#that one time I tried adhd meds it fixed it but then I. was like no I am going to be scared and not continue taking it <3

[bookwyrminspiration]

god I would be UNSTOPPABLE if I was capable of consistently initiating tasks. just you wait. you'll be waiting a while but just you wait

[galacticspaceguy]

Post Cars 3 human!lightning headcanons:

(Also leans into a bit of AU territory but the AU starts after cars 3 so it’s ok)

-mid 30s

-doesn’t race with the rookies officially anymore. He holds dirt track races for him and all the older racers. People are allowed to come and watch. These races get real popular, but they quieted down after a while.

-he didn’t get a new car cause he’s to attached to his old one, and he refuses to alter it either.

-uses Docs old car a lot. He fixed it up because being a mechanic became a new hobby of his

-had a couple a scars due to the assassination attempt and the crash. he also takes a bunch of meds cause the crash messed him up real bad. A lot of people consider Lightnings crash one of the worst.

-has ADHD. It was really bad when he was younger (cars 1) but it’s calmed down now

-people talk about Cruz getting in a potential car crash due to it being almost a curse. Doc, Strip, McQueen, so people think Cruz is next. It doesn’t help that this is one of McQueens biggest fears.

-races Cruz as a part of her training

-hates it when people call him old. Everyone calls him old.

-usually wears sweatpants, a white shirt, a jacket that’s both his old logo and Dinoco themed, and his own merch (a hat and lightning glasses) as a crew chief uniform

-he let Cruz use his old racing suit (he also let her alter it a bit by adding some of her signature yellow to his red)

-lost a bit of his professionalism but not a bit of his charm

-gets a lot of appreciation from the rookies on the track (cause he’s practically a dad to everyone on the track now)

-Lightning is to Cruz like Doc is to Lightning but way more chaotic

-part time teacher at Rusteze racing center. It was a horrible idea to hire him, but the rookies love him

-Harv made him keep his hair cut short and clean, but now he lets it grow out.

-He also has a heavier accent now due to all the time he spends in radiator springs.

-Married Sally. Fans started calling her Mrs. McKing. Though there’s already a Mrs. The King. They are best friends and have their own fan base.

-Always carries a cup with him to all of Cruz’s races. None knows what’s in it, and when anyone asks, he always gives a very vague answer, so none knows. It’s become very popular online for people to guess what Cruz Ramirez’s crew chief is drinking.

-convinced all his old racing friends to help out in the pits or become crew chiefs of their own rookies

-doesn’t usually let Cruz race internationally. He knows it’s unfair, but he’s still a little wary after the whole assassination attempt. A few of the racers from the world grand pix actually reached out to him to tell him he should be less paranoid in the nicest way possible- but then again, people strapped a bomb to his best friend in a attempt to murder him

-tried to teach Sally to race. He always lets her win even if he knows he can beat her easily.

-either really rough with Cruz or really soft with her; but over all incredibly over protective of her

-casually mentions/references things that happened in movie 1/2 and the majority of the time, no one but the Radiator Spring residents what he’s talking about

-hasn’t let Cruz get an proper agent yet. He knows he should, but he and Dinoco are enough right now.

-can throw Cal over his shoulders and drag him around (no matter how much Cal screams at him to put him down)

-broke off his contract with Harv and put Harv on a no contact list. I don’t personally think Harv was physically or extremely abusive- I thinks he’s more exploit-y and mostly cares about fame and money. He was really distant with McQueen but he did have a good hold over the kid, I mean we all know how excited Lightning gets when he gets to talk to or even see Harv. The entire court case was about Harv taking more of Lightnings winnings than what’s legally allowed, and it really changed Harvs attitude towards Lighting, which led to a restraining order and a no contact order.

-I have another headcanon that Harv became Jackson Storms agent, which led to a whole other court case

-Sally was the lawyer for both those cases

[thenerdnextdoorxo]

sorry for another rewuest but would u please do avengers! cast x teen reader who has adhd and has trouble staying on task while filming and the directors being mad or something please❤️

No need to apologize &lt;3

"Y/N, not again," Said one of the directors while sighing. "Sorry," you said, already feeling the embarrassment creeping from the back of your neck. "It's the last time I promised," The scene you were filming was taking too long to film and you lost your attention to the scene twenty minutes ago. It wasn't the first time you zoned out and its starting to annoy the staff.

"Y/N please don't mess this one up," You nodded and fixed your shirt awkwardly and looked at Scarlett and she gave you a small smile to comfort you. All you had to do is listen to Scarlett and wait until your line starts. Before the scene even started you zoned out, and when you do, you can't get back from that state. When Scarlett started and her lines and she reached a point where you were supposed to start your lines, but when she looked at you you were clearly zoned out and she flinched, already knowing what is going to happen.

"Y/N, seriously?! I can't deal with you anymore!!" You flinched, you never heard that director scream ever, and that made you get scared. "We keep telling you to focus but you don't listen!!" He screamed. "Hey! it's a kid your yelling to, keep it together!" rdj exclaimed back. "And it's not like it's her issue anyways! we know you have not been paying her enough!" Scarlett screamed.

The directors didn't pay you all your money because apparently you weren't doing enough for their standards. Your adhd meds are expensive and you can't pay for it because you don't receive that much. You told Scarlett that a few weeks back when she found you crying in one of the empty rooms.

"If you started paying her what she deserve then there might be a chance that she wouldn't struggle as much!!" rdj said. By that point you were already crying and couldn't stand there even a little bit longer so you ran towards the bathroom to one of the stalls and hid there. After a few minutes you heard a knock. "Y/N, it's Lizzie and Scarlet, come out we need to talk to you," Lizzie said. You didn't respond, you felt so humiliated from what the director said and didn't feel like coming out.

"It's okay Y/N, we just need to talk to you," Scarlett said. You sighed. You knew that they wouldn't give up at all and would probably wait for you until you came out so you decided to go out anyways. When you walked out you couldn't bring yourself to look at them, you were so embarrassed. "Y/N, we convinced the director to pay you more, he wouldn't cut your pay anymore," Lizzie said. You looked up at them surprised, whenever you tried to convince him to give you your full payment he just refused, so they must have gaslighted him.

"Now if he ever decided to cut your payment you tell us, okay?" Scarlett said. "Okay," You nodded and they smiled softly at you. Ever since that day, that director was not mean to you, not even once, and you have Scarlet and Lizzie to thank for that.

================================================

I feel like this one is kind of bad but idk

My requests are open

edit: omg I miss spelled scarlett's name lmaoo

<3333

[princessaurorasdiary]

Diary 2/26: life update cause it's been 6 months at least

Hi 👋🏼, It's been a long time, about 6 months about. I'm 23 now

I have a lot of up and downs and haven't felt like writing, and my main creative outlet has been TikTok because to be honest, I feel less alone when I can see that people saw my video, and maybe ever gave it a like or comment

I guess I'll talk a bit about the last 6 months, I work at a craft store now, quit my old horrible job that mistreated me constantly, got COVID soon after quitting the old job, went and saw a medium sized artist I like in concert, second ever concert, her name is Tessa Violet, dragged my bff with me cause we planned it for her to come down and visit me during Spring Break.

I also confessed to my crush, they said they like me too and have just as long as I have but she thought me flirting was pitty compliments cause ADHD runs through both of us lol, it's been moving really slowly cause things keep happening to her, the universe is just slapping her weekly bro.

I don't hate my job at the craft store, but I miss doing a version of my chosen career as a baker/cake decorator, really wish that place wasn't so toxic and that I had a car already.

I'm still trying to get a car, it took me 3 months to get a new job after quitting my old one, the COVID thing was a month of that but also just this job market sucks, origami current job was seasonal, but I have really good numbers on the register and I'm good at the other parts like stalking and sorting and fixing things on the shelfs so I got kept on. I make sure not to give a ADHD 100% anymore, it killed me at my old job and whenever I only had a normal person's 100% they acted like I was failing when I was just doing a normal amount instead of a crazy amount, so I learned not to grind myself to the bone.

I can't remember if I've mentioned this, probably not tho, I go to a weekly crochet club for months now, it's all older ladies and me but it's better than nothing with how I don't really have friends other than my best friend. They care about me and I care about them and it's nice to talk to others once a week.

I kinda ran outta steam for finding friends the last 2 months, I was trying and trying and I'm just tired after months and months or trying 🤷

I think about making a post all the time, but also feel like I'm writing into the void, which has been terrifying me lately, the void that is, long story short, I was stressed AF and couldn't sleep for days the day before Halloween and tried to smoke to fall asleep, but before I'd just taken a hit or two of my brothers sleep type vape, but actually smoked it that night for the first time and instead tripped horribly and it's still affecting me mentally, the memory of the horror that was that night.

Editing a note: I was basically trying to test for a bit if a sleep strain of weed would help with my at the time rampid insomnia since sleep meds either don't work on me or give me bad side effects, but after that night I'm probably never touching it again so ✌🏼

I also am just not feeling great medically, I just got my broken tooth pulled through and did my wisdoms at the same time and already feel better even with the jaw pain, so hopefully some of the not feeling well was because of my teeth, I've been working on trying to finally fix my teeth as well and I think it might actually happen now

Anyways, it's after 3:20am so I'm gonna go lay down even if I don't sleep till 4 cause laying down is better than nothing

[starrypawz]

So uh personal update, on Gender (TM) as I don't think I've talked about this that much but like decisions are being made and this is like... a journey

So basically in 2018 I refereed myself to a NHS GIC as it was like 'Oh boy I am getting the genders and maybe enough of a case I should consider like... doing something' and at the time I had like some vague 'I might be transmasc' feelings and it was like 'I might want top surgery' so like I did that

And then time passes and I sort of forgot about it and then as people know the GIC system is super backed up anyway so like help.

And it was like four years later (2022) I had a message like 'Oh hey your first appointment is coming up now' and I had like... a debate about what I should do like if I even needed to go and was advised like 'at least attend your first appointment' and then during that one it was like 'Oh we can put you forward for some gender based talking therapy at least' and that seemed like a good idea

And then yeah during this time (2018-2022) I've like tried things, like I've had a binder, I went through that 'trying to dress more masc' phase, got a trans masc haircut (tm), covid happened and I came out the other side a goth weirdo, I find I'm actually more happy being a weirdo goth who sometimes wears skirts and dresses and I think I'm agender actually.

(Also like oh boy I'm not really living in circumstances where like doing that like typical 'get on hrt and transition' thing is going to work but I did havew to check in with myself to make sure that my decisions to not medically do anything wasn't just me wussing out but it's not it's just not quite the right step)

(And then during this time it's like 'lol my gender basically is like a bag of potatoes your forgot in the back of the cupboard i don't even know what it is right now)

And then more time passes and then like earlier this year it's like 'Oh hey you can start that now' and I have a therapy intake appointment and THEN it's like the clinician I'm seeing is like 'Oh I'm leaving the service actually but I'll do your initial intake and hand that over'

THEN

And now I can't remember how things went but it's like either I had my first appointment with the clinician, started adhd meds and then we had to have an appointment a month later or i started meds, had the appointment then a month break either way there was a delay to starting the therapy that during that time I started my ADHD medication and just as you know it basically fixed my brain somewhat and I can like... actually think and shit

But yeah basically turns out I actually didn't need to talk about my gender as much as I thought, It also turned out that a lot of the like weird disassociated feelings I've had going on are like 'that's the unmedicated adhd talking' (Not all of it but yeah a lot of it was like 'neurodivergent brain struggling to cope) and yeah I've like come to the conclusion that at least at this point I don't really feel that I actually need the 'medical' interventions (like hrt and or top surgery) like I've basically worked out where I am and that yeah actually I'm good thanks (Like tbh I've never had like very intense dysphoria so like dysphoria was not a useful metric for working out my gender, it's never really been physical features of mine causing distress it's more the social/metal side of things)

And yeah then a few weeks back it was like 'Oh here's your second appointment at the end of December' and it's like 'what the heck do I do now? I'm not planning to medically transition'

And yeah I had a therapy session today and basically my current plan is

I will attend my second assessment, it's apparently a good idea to do that as it means I have another chance to talk things over with someone, also it turns out you can be discharged from the GIC and then come back which is probably a good thing to have in my pocket should like circumstances change again like have a paper trail and like just have an official closure rather than just me leaving and potentially having to like start from square one again.

Also I'm meant to have two more therapy sessions in January so like it's probably a good idea to attend at least one of those so yet again it's like can close some stuff out.

So like I'm shuffling myself out but doing so in the like sensible official way. And yeah it has been a whole thing grappling with like if I'm wasting time/space since I know so many other people are behind me waiting to get in and uh... there's probably quite a few people ahead of me who didn't make it so like I am trying to exit the service as quickly as I can it's just... I'm going at the speed of red tape here.

[cocklessboy]

Finding the right meds or combination of ADHD meds can be one hell of a journey.

First my psychiatrist had me try Atomoxetine (an SNRI) but I had psychotic side effects so we had to ditch that.

Then we tried Ritalin. It helped, but I got loads of side effects. It made my heart race, made me dizzy and jittery, made my sensory issues worse, gave me acid reflux, and even increased my sex drive to problematic levels (which is not a normal side effect and may have been a strange interaction with my HRT).

Those are basically the only ADHD meds available in this country (no, we don't have Adderall or any of those other ones here), with one caveat: the active ingredient in Ritalin (Methylphenidate) is available in a slow-release form called Concerta. Instead of taking it twice a day and it being out of your system in 4-6 hours, you take it once in the morning and it lasts up to 12 hours, gradually releasing the drug into your system.

Even though it's the same chemical, the slow-release version worked like a dream. Basically no side effects aside from increased acid reflux (which I already take medication for), and it's pretty effective. Basically life-changing! The problem? It wears off around 8 pm.

I don't go to bed until like 1:30.

So for 5+ hours each night I'd be unmedicated and miserable. Unable to work, unable to do anything really, and also unable to keep track of time or switch tasks, so I never managed to get to bed at a reasonable hour.

I described this to my psychiatrist and he suggested that around 8, when the Concerta is wearing off, I can take half a tablet (just 5 mg) of Ritalin. It's not enough to cause side effects, but combined with whatever remains in my system of the Concerta, it should be enough to keep me functional until bed time - and make it easier to turn off the computer and go to bed.

I've been doing this for several days and... it's working. No major side effects, and I get a bonus 4-5 hours of actual real life functional time in my day, plus I'm able to watch the clock and shut down the computer and head to bed at the right time, which is helping me fix my sleep schedule overall (which had been a real nightmare for ages).

Finding the right meds or combination of meds for ADHD or for any other health problem (physical, neurological, or psychological) can take a lot of time and trial and error. But it is worth it. If you find yourself feeling frustrated because everything you try isn't working, don't give up. While it is true that some problems just don't have a solution, it is worth keeping at it for as long as you can.

I feel like this whole process has been a great lesson in not giving in to despair when things don't work out right away. I still have a lot of other health issues that don't have solutions yet, and it's easy to feel hopeless, but there are still more options to try. And maybe the next one will finally do the trick.

And if there's anyone out there trying to push you away from medication that helps you, because they think of medication as inherently bad, or because they think the side effects can't be worth it, ignore them. They are wrong. Finding the right medication for a chronic health problem or disability can change your entire life. Do not ever let anyone shame you out of being as happy and healthy as you can possibly be.

[razrrgames]

tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of when i first released after the bell.

a lot has happened in the past 7 years.

i have/had an entire update planned, i wanted to rebuild the game from the ground up, especially since porting it to the steam version of 2003 fucked up the fade transitions.

but i never did.

i’ve tried starting many times, and failed every time.

i don’t think i’ve talked about it here, but im very open about this: i have ADHD and autism. the ADHD is what applies the most here.

the ADHD prevents me from doing what i want, and the RSD makes me overcomplicate things.

back when i made ATB, i was in a hyper focus state on RPGMaker. i had four ongoing projects at once: after i finished the first version of ATB, i was drafting the update, file:blue was added during a horror game jam, riitami, and one other project i literally cannot even remember the name of off the top of my head. i focused hard on these projects, mainly riitami, and then the novelty wore off. this is one of the worst parts of my ADHD. i get really into doing something for a short burst and then i get bored and can’t force myself to do it anymore.

i felt horrible for so long. why can’t i just DO things like everyone else? i need to remake ATB, i need to fix it, i need to take out the stair scene because it was in poor taste, i need to expand on the lore so i stop seeing people asking why ghosts can’t just go through the wall, i need to expand on these characters, etc etc etc. and i just couldn’t do it. i forced myself to come up with a logistical reason for not passing through walls, i rewrote and scrapped and rewrote and scrapped over and over again.

don’t get me wrong. i still do want to update after the bell. i want to remake it. i want to make it better. better maps, better art, better jokes, better characters, etc. but i can’t give you an estimate on when that will happen.

as for the lore of the game,,, i don’t want to put any more thought into it.

i didn’t go into that project with a real plot or world in mind. i just drew a little ghost girl and decided i wanted to make a game about her. then i made her a girlfriend and some classmates. i thought of a very simple fetch quest: getting her name. that’s all it was. nothing more, nothing less.

that said, i have new answers to things.

why can’t she go through walls?

who cares? i’m not gonna make transition events on every wall tile just to satisfy some people who can’t put their suspension of disbelief on hold for a silly ten minute game.

why are all these girls dead?

i don’t know. i just thought one character would be too lonely, so i added some more. i thought more ghosts would be better than filling the space with living characters and then dealing with whatever allows them to communicate.

and there was one person that once said in a comment that it was weird that protag’s parents had the same last name. that has always been a strange thought to me. they’re married? one took the other’s last name?

i don’t really know what i’m rambling about at this point.

in the past seven years (in no particular order), i have moved out, got my drivers license, lost my job, got another job, was ghosted out of that job, gotten a new job that destroyed my soul, fell into a deep depression at the start of the lockdown, went back to the soul crushing job once it resumed, fell out with my roommate, moved back in with my parents, quit my old job and got another job that i now love, adopted a hamster, had her until she passed away earlier this year from health complications, made friends, lost friends, started and ended therapy, got a psychiatrist, got on anxiety medication, started (trying) ADHD meds, started dating my girlfriend, saw her in person twice, was briefly hospitalized to get my first surgery (gall bladder removal), had ANOTHER surgery (septoplasty + removing polyps), went to new york to meet old friends twice, went thru multiple medications trying to find something to help me sleep at night, came out to my mother as a lesbian (she still does not know my gender identity), met some of the people who would become some of the most important people in my life, cried over dnd (positive), started writing stories again, tabled at a lot of conventions…

it’s been a long and wild road. and in those seven years, i have thought about the ATB cast. i know the game got a little traction when it was first released, and i’m a little shocked that it seems to get a lot more attention in spanish speaking communities! that’s a lil crazy to me! not in a bad way of course. i think that’s really cool. sharing our creations and experiences across different language communities is one of the coolest things in the world.

i’ve seen praise and criticism that have helped me think about my work as an artist, and some that have hindered me a bit. nevertheless, i’ve grown a lot since then. at least i hope so.

im rambling about a lot of things. sorry. my train of thought is more like a spaghetti junction, lol

at the end of the day, these silly little ghost girls were my first real journey into RPGmaker. i’d loved playing games for a long time and had made one shoddy little thing before, but ATB was my first real release. i’ve thought about these girls a lot. i don’t think too hard about their world, the lore doesn’t really matter to me; it was just a silly little game i made with no real forethought.

one day i will deliver that remake to you. i don’t know when. i love these characters, simple as they are, and i want to do right by them. im even thinking of asking for help, as i clearly have a lot of trouble moving forward; help with setting up maps and transitions is the most important thing, as i’m not very good at layouts or mapping, but i can handle all the artwork and writing dialogue myself. i also want to commission someone for custom music, as the original music used in the game was generated via online programs because i am also, shockingly (/sarcasm), terrible at music composition. or more like i have no experience with it. i’m tone deaf as all hell.

that is not financially viable for me right now, unfortunately (i owe my parents like $800 for insurance + some assistance from when bebbie passed away) and i do not want to just. not pay people for their work. as an artist i understand the value of the work that goes into these things, and i’m not about to run around asking for free help with a silly little ghost game. i want to be able to pay my help appropriately for their time and effort. that said, if you’d be interested in helping out when that time comes (paid of course, i can’t tell you when that’ll be bc as much as i love my job i don’t make a lot of money) please let me know.

i should bring this rambling to a close.

thank you for seven years of silly ghost girls. it’s been a long time, but i hope that these girls pop into your thoughts from time to time to say hello, as they do for me. i want to do them better, even if they are just a couple of silly middle school lesbian ghosts.

thank you for your patience and support. i’m sorry i haven’t lived up to be the person or developer that i wanted to be. i’m sorry i failed to bring you something to play so many times and for so long. i hope you can forgive me.

thank you, thank you, thank you.

[blue-kyber]

Things are very, very grim for me right now.

I'm hanging by a thread tied to a long-distance hope of finding a lawyer willing to take my case, and that I'll get hired at the place I interviewed at yesterday.

It's grim, because I've slipped so far behind in everything, all I can afford now is ramen. I eat free food from the restaurant (my job that I'm trying to leave due to them screwing me over so hard I'm IN this situation.)

Things in jeopardy/things I can no longer pay for:

Rent

Car insurance.

2 credit cards.

Traffic ticket that I'm fighting, because the reason is disgustingly stupid - everyone in Los Angeles does what I got pulled over for on the daily. Multiple times. They enter the left hand turn lane before the turn lane starts. I was off my medication at the time (again, problem getting it). This is what the "ADHD Tax" means, and why life with ADHD is more expensive.

Health insurance - which means no more mental health care. Which means no more prescriptions for ADHD medication and antidepressants.

ADHD meds. I've been off of them since the start of August. I either can't afford them, or they're not in stock. Even the generic version of Adderall is out.

Dental Insurance.

Spotify. I have to listen to ads now. An acceptable loss, however annoying.

Disney+ (to be honest, I dropped them before this due to them raising their prices.)

Filling my car's gas tank to Full. It costs me around $88. It lives perpetually on 1 - 2 gallons, so I'm having to keep putting in $10 every other day.

There goes getting a new mattress. I'll keep dealing with lower back pain and restless nights.

Paying the mechanic back for fixing my POS 20 year old car in June.

Paying my friend back $600, and my parents back $900 to help me cover rent in July.

My paychecks and what small tips I make anymore go directly toward the money pit that is rent that I can't afford anymore, food for myself and my cat, and gas for the car.

My biggest fears right now are not making my $1250 rent by Sept. 15th, not being able to pay that ticket (which you have to pay for and hope the court refunds it back after looking at the dispute paperwork), and not getting my ADHD meds. Without them, I've been making more mistakes, and being my old scattered self without any ability to focus on more than 1 thing, and not get important things done that need to be done.

TO SAVE MYSELF...

I am looking for other work.

I took a job every Saturday at my old work (which I didn't want to return to, but I'm desperate. There are REASONS why I left).

Selling my things on Ebay - which isn't going so well. I only sold 2 small things, made $40, but I only got $15 of it. The rest went to Ebay fees and shipping.

Entering writing contests with cash prizes. I haven't won anything.

Getting the odd lottery ticket praying to God for help. Haven't won anything. Not even my $2 back.

I sold my PS2 and some games for $50 and that $50 went to gas and food.

I got a Macy's card so I could get nice work pants for job interviews, and rebuild my credit back into the 700's. It's been driven down to 695, and I am not happy about that. I worked for years to get it back up out of the 400s. Now I owe Macy's $43 by the end of the month.

Now I'm considering donating plasma even if the last time I tried years ago...let's just say it didn't go well. I panicked, I almost blacked out, and I threw up. 3 nurses were around me.

Considering donating blood if they'll pay me for it.

Auditioning for audiobook narration jobs. Haven't landed any new gigs yet, and the one I'm working on is royalty share. Which = experience. No $$$.

I need $1250 by the 15th, and I don't know what else I can do to get it. Aside from starting an Only Fans for guys who like ugly women, cakes, or feet. I am seriously considering posting pictures of my ass and feet for money.

I'm a roller skater. I know I have nice legs and nice bakery. I just really, really, really don't want to have to sink that low. I already have horrible self esteem, body issues, and mental health issues.

I am physically alone through all of this. No partner, no significant other, no family nearby. It's just me having to fight through all of this to keep going alone.

AND ALL OF THIS.... Because my work retaliated against me in June, and continue to do so.

No one wants my voice. - a literal lifetime of training. No one wants my writing - same. Decades of training. Years devoted to a work that holds my soul ("Out There: The 1K"). My patreon failed horribly. No one wants my stuff. - Yes, it's all crap, because I can't afford expensive stuff. No one wants to hire me. - I haven't figured this one out yet. No law firm wants to help me. No one wants...

Me.

BUT I AM STILL TRYING.

I bought a bunch of potatoes today, and some spaghetti. My food for a while will be baked spuds and noodles. I'll get my protein through meat dishes at work.

My cat is amazing. :) She'll always have enough food and love. She's my emotional support companion. She's even registered. And she's saving me right now. All I need to do is look at her, and I can believe for a moment that things will be ok.

I'll get through this and keep a roof over our heads because of her. Because I love her. Because I'm terrified of living on the streets. Of being dropped like I never mattered despite how hard I work to be the best at my job, and a good person.

I know it'll be ok. I just have to follow the advice my MC was given:

"You're meant for something greater out there. Not down here with us in the dirt. But you have to look up. Keep your eyes on the horizon. Keep moving. Don't look back, and don't look down. You do that, and you'll find your way out. And when you do, I hope I'm there to see you break orbit."

That's Gregor's advice to a young Yune Darrak in my novel. Gregor was his first father figure. Yune holds that speech as part of what gets him through impossible times. He named his ship the Horizon after this speech, and in honor of Gregor, of how much he saved his life just by loving him.

I need to follow my own? advice.

I've been strong for months. But now, I really want to go sit in the shower and cry. Be right back.

[mistyfoxxy]

please someone give me a distraction. I can’t focus. I drew a little earlier, I read some fanfics, did/tried to do school work. I just feel so bleak. So empty right now. I want him home. I want this to be over already. But I know it’s going to be a terribly long journey for him. My anxiety can’t handle this. I’m so glad he’s ok, I’m gonna tough it out for him. My best friend, my brother. This is a bit traumatic so if you don’t want to read pass on please 😅 but here’s what happened. It’s very uhm. Mature? Not like rated X but ykwim.

My brother was in his way to work yesterday morning around seven o’clock. His seat belt locked up, (he’s adhd so his meds hadn’t quite kicked in) so he took it off to readjust. And got distracted. He went off the road by accident, and out of reflex jerked the car back into the road. His car then went airborne, and flipped several times. He was partially ejected, hanging out the passenger window- while it was flipping. Everyone is saying it’s a miracle he’s alive, which my goodness it most definitely is. He told me, he wanted to sit on that car. He didn’t feel like getting up, but he thought of me. You see, we’re both adopted, we have the same biological mother, different fathers and were adopted by the same people. We talked the other day, I guess you could say we’ve both been suicidal. We made a promise to eachother, if one can’t die, the other can’t die. He told me, while he was sitting in that car, he knew he couldn’t leave me. So he tried his best to crawl out. He did well except the fact that the car had also landed on him. A family who wasn’t to far behind him in traffic came and helped him. The man had the same first name as my brother coincidentally. He lifted the off him and my layed my brother on socks ( as my brother had informed me lol)

He had to be life flighted. And underwent a four hour surgery on his face, since it had been banged up a lot. They did an amazing job. His eye had to be seen shut for now, but once he starts to heal a bit, they’ll work on fixing him up. He’s conscious and able to talk and move around. He should be able to come home tonight. My mom is a nurse so she should be able to take care of him. We watch anime together. We worked together. Laughed at the same things. We aren’t twins. Had different dads. But he is my best friend. He’s always felt like he had to take care of me, which is ironic, because I’m a year older. It’s my turn now tho, as soon as he comes home. This is my promise to him. I’ll always have his back no matter what.

[a-smile-dat-spreads-like-buttah]

Aforementioned Mental Health Post

Hey, guys. Sorry. I have been struggling alot lately and haven't known what to do or where to go, I guess. My anxiety has been getting steadily worse, and in December my psychiatrist changed my adhd meds because she (very reasonably, really) thought the meds might be the cause, but it's been about a month now, and things are still getting worse. And on top of that, there has been so much shit happening that I can't keep up with the general anxiety, let alone all the other stuff.

Just to kinda explain the complexity, I guess, here's a little list: (under the read more; tw for family stress, mention of death, gun violence, domestic abuse, suicide, murder, alcoholism... please read cautiously and at your own risk)

-massive ongoing conflict at home leading up to Christmas. I had basically no time off and if I didn't do the Christmas decorating, nobody was going to. I was drowning, but I wasn't doing enough. I will say, tidiness is hard when I'm on a good adhd med, so it had gone berserk, but it was worse because I was drowning and I had no time off. Christmas is one of my actual favorite holidays, and I got tired of it and wanted it over with.

-My sister found out a best friend of hers died while we were hanging out one day. I was at a loss because it's my family job to fix things and she was so heartbroken, obviously, and I couldn't help or do anything. Then she found out that this friend was shot, and either was murdered by her abusive fiancee or comitted suicide.

-The above then caused my mom to relive the trauma of losing HER best friend in a car wreck before we were born. She drinks alot already, but started drinking more, and tries to help by talking about her experiences, which makes things feel like a suffering contest, but my sister is already drowning in her own feelings, so I've been trying to support my sister, but also my mom so she'll stop making things harder for my sister.

-My boss wasn't posting schedules like he's supposed to, and then we find out that WHOOPS BOSS HAS BEEN FORCIBLY EJECTED FROM THE STORE so we now have the fourth new boss that we've had in the one year seven months that I've been here. And old boss' last day was a couple days before New Year's, so it was INSANE.

-I've been struggling with gender, still, and trying to figure things out, especially as I look into going into theatre, where I'm still not sure I have a chance.

-I'm misgendered constantly at work, and if I'm at work, I'm already panicky and overwhelmed but I can't talk to anybody about it. And when I do, they say "oh you only have x amount of time left, then it will be over", but it's never over. It doesn't stop unless I'm asleep.

-At least three of my favorite coworkers (and very good friends) have said that they are considering leaving, ajd one of them, bless her, mentioned dropping evrrything and moving across the country. (I know she has to do what she has to do and all I want is for her to be safe and happy, but I'm so tired of losing friends.)

-And I'm sure there's more, but my break is over. I don't know who to talk to. I DO have a wonderful therapist and a psychiatrist, with whom I have an appointment Monday. I don't feel comfortable (or safe) talking with my parents about things. My sister is drowning in her own problems 45 minutes away and I'm worried as hell about her. And I just feel like I'm bothering everyone.

But I promise I'm trying. And I will keep trying. I'm not going anywhere or anything. But that's what's been going on. Sorry for the length of the post.

[kart0]

meds update plus rant: day 20

almost 3 weeks guys ! I'm doing it !! I need to schedule an appointment cuz I only have 10 pills left oof

hmm...folks, not gonna lie... these few days have been tough.. I started becoming more and more frustrated cuz I felt like they weren't working ( days 16-18 ) and my mom also asked me a few days ago "so... Dani... have you been feeling better ?" in which I replied "nope" and she asked "do you feel any different at all ?" and also again "nope"

btw it's not PMS lmao I swear

and then I got even more upset that, maybe I might just be undiagnosed with adhd ? cuz I'm still struggling with doing tasks, procrastinating, forgetting stuff, getting overwhelmed easily, getting angry easily. I had to change my bed sheets and I really started crying. I am so tired.. and it's hard to change the sheets cuz of my mattress and the shape of my bed and also I have to fold and put the comforter a certain way and its not exactly a simple and fast task and it can mess up the sheets and make everything look and feel wonky and... like fr I am not exaggerating... and then also I just. started going on a spiral yet again :(

I feel so insecure and I just wanna cry all the time. because I'm so tired. I keep forgetting or procrastinating to fix my sleep schedule. it's 2am rn...

I feel horrible with my appearance, I hate my face and my body, I hate everything about how I look. and I feel very ugly all the time, I'm too self conscious and too self aware of my surroundings and I can't never relax... don't slouch, don't show your teeth when speaking or smiling, don't move your head too much, don't touch your hair, don't stand this way it makes you look weird. I'm exhausted, why can't I just accept how I look...

I feel dumb, and untalented. I feel lazy, and stupid, because I keep seeing people around me succeed and I can never do that. yes I am fucking envious of people. no I do not wish them bad things but all I can think about is.. that could've been me if I had tried harder. if I had tried enough. if I forced myself to do it.

and it's taking such a toll on me rn I feel stupid and dumb and lime a failure.

I'm frustrated cuz I can't improve my artstyle either, nor my poses or composition. my art is so repetitive and unoriginal, and uncreative. predictable. forgettable.

boring.

n also, no one fucking interacts with me on twitter and I don't blame them cuz I never post art, not interact with them, and all I ever do is cry and vent like a fucking loser. who wants to read this shit anyways. but what makes it worse is that I'm currently at my peak, I have never had this much followers ever. and I know it doesn't mean worth but I can't seem to change this mindset

which makes me feel like such an imposter... how can I have this many followers when I don't post shit. when my art is shit. when I am a shit person. why are they following me, I don't deserve anything. and now it's even more pressure I want them to be happy I want them to not see how much of a loser I really am.

and I just. I don't know. I could do such great things. I know I have the talent. I know I am smart. but why can't I just be better, use my time more wisely, and improve myself. I am such a waste. that's how I feel most of the time, I'm wasting myself, wasting my time, my parents money. I'm so tired of being stupid and not doing what I have to do just cuz I don't want to do it.

it's a bad bad bad day and week. I guess this is the confirmation that the meds aren't working, or haven't started working yet. I just want to die

[magmagpie]

College George! 19 years old

wears a button up instead of the polo thing he wears as a child

i draw his fade shave thing harsher bc he's older

became lowkey obsessed with fun ties and has a blast choosing which one in his vast collection he wants to wear each day

still the type to go bouncing off the walls in excitement

studying Creative Writing

recently started dating Lisa

College Harold! 20 years old

paints his nails

pierced ears, owns the funkiest earrings

still hates confrontation and is considered shy and timid, but has noticeably opened up since childhood

has evolved from striped t-shirts to quirky, smartassy, witty, stupid t-shirts

studying Fine Arts

sometimes has to wear wrist braces bc of how he dealt with carpal tunnel in high school(i would've drawn it but y'know)

currently crushing on Billy

Both!

they share a dorm and have a bunk bed

they got one of those BFF heart necklaces, George put his on a bracelet bc it was uncomfortable to wear with a tie

they made matching bracelets with each other's favorite color scheme and wear them on the hand each of them use to write/draw their comics(i headcannon Harold as ambidextrous)

please ignore that neither of them are wearing shoes, they don't go well with my style and I'm bad at drawing them anyway. i think George would wear convers, and Harold would wear either checkered vans or boots

they both make sure to keep multiple fidget toys on them at all times

after a few years of experimenting, they came to the conclusion that ADHD meds weren't for them and they refuse to take any ever

finally caught a break with teachers and have professors that let them work together on a lot of their assignments and actually enjoy having them in their classes bc of their creativity and spirit

//SH WARNING UNDER CUT//

when they were in high school, Harold really started having a rough time. he was separated from George for most of his classes, he was being picked on again, his mom was becoming more strict, the teachers just seemed to hate him and always told him to be better even when it was clear he was trying his best on his own and still failing. he hid it for as long as he could, but each day just weighed heavier and heavier on his back, and he couldn't bring himself to ask for help. not even when his report cards came back with nothing but red marks and his mother stopped letting him go to the treehouse after school. George could feel him slowly pushing him away every time he tried to get him to tell him what was up, but he didn't know what to do. on top of it all, Harold started realizing why he didn't think of girls the same way the other guys did, and he didn't know it was okay to prefer oogling at the cute boy in his science class than the hot girl in gym. after months of trying to repress it and lying to himself about who he liked, and battling his own mind in many other ways, he went and got baptized as a desperate attempt to 'fix' himself. when it didn't work and he only felt himself sinking even more, he made the attempt to take his own life. George found him on the floor of his bathroom one weekend, and managed to call the ambulance to get him to hospital just in time. Harold finally got the help he needed, accepted it, and was off the anti-depressants by the time they went into college. the scars from his attempt are still very much there, and it overwhelms him some days to see them, but they fade and are gone completely by the time the events of the last books have happened. he has a semicolon tattoo on both of his wrists, i just didn't think about it before i finished the drawing.

[sloppy-disc]

Seeing others get a successful ADHD diagnosis makes me so happy but hurt at the same time.

All through school the school staff told my dad that I passed screenings for ADHD.

He didn't do anything other than have me in programs (special ed for math because I also have dyscalculia, and a room I could go to with others that also had a hard time in school, like a study hall but not) and told me to demand "extra time on tests and projects" as if my disability was a weapon I could just whip out and use, it felt wrong in that way, eventually making me believe it was an excuse/crutch.

----------------------------------------------------------

At home he acted as if it never existed, as if it was just for school, and even then he would yell and belittle me for the grades I was getting.

He would yell at me for everything I did wrong in his eyes. Later in life when I was 15, his wife (then gf) came into the picture, he either never told her because he decided it wasn't a thing entirely or she wanted to insert her authority as soon as possible and questioned my dad into thinking "yeah, why isn't my child doing more in school??" (*knock knock* get the door, it's ADHD!)

That led her to treat me like he was, sometimes worse.

He also never wanted to help me get my ADHD regulated either, due to his own personal reasons (that he told me about later in life I'd like to not say publicly) he didn't see medication as the best option for me. (Sometimes it isn't! Different things work for different people but personally I literally had no other outlets to help me at the time)

----------------------------------------------------------

Later down the line when it finally came to light my brother also had ADHD (I've suspected all along and tried to avocate to have him tested but it would get shot down by dad and his wife) they did take the medication route with him, but due to my dad's personal reasons he hated it even happening.

My brother got put through the same thing as me (getting yelled at about grades, being belittled for household chores, "'I don't know' isn't an answer!", etc.)

At the time I felt powerless, because I had no means to help in ways I wanted to. It's one of my biggest regrets, but he seems to be doing better now.

(He just smokes weed and doesn't take any medication because he says weed helps him out easier, the meds he did have were hurting him but my dad and his wife refused to switch him due to saying it would just cost more.)

----------------------------------------------------------

(P.S. medications pertaining to things such as ADHD can only go so far, they are not magic pills that automatically fix everything like they wanted to believe. Some can even have bad side effects so they may not be right for the user entirely.)

----------------------------------------------------------

Coupled with my depression over the years, I felt lost in it all.

None of the adults in my life at the time really helped me, I felt like I was failing them (when really it was the other way around) and I pushed myself past the limit to prove my worth.

One thing I wish parents/guardians never told their children is that they're a liar, that they're faking something, or that nobody would/should believe them for their mental disabilities.

----------------------------------------------------------

It can be debilitating to them later in life to seek support in ways that could have worked/helped early on.

It feels harder to do so when they hear those echoing voices coming back to the surface and knocking them down all over again. (<- spoken from personal experience only)

Help. Your. Children.

[auroras-void]

Hmnn if you ever feel bad about not sleeping well, and you've really tried hard but nothing sticks. My personal story is I've had terrible insomnia starting in like middle school at least all the way until I was 19. I had internalized so much about how it was my own fault. I knew I was guilty of "revenge insomnia" and several other bullshit reasons. And I was told all the standard interventions and I tried them again and again, and I could tell it wasn't making much difference, but I also had and still do have horrendous executive dysfunction. So it felt inconclusive because I could never stick to it for more than like a week. And so I blamed myself for it, I told myself I was a failure.

Then one year I had a stretch of time where I had no responsibilities to anyone or anything, I was kinda miserable about it, and it wasn't helping anything. But I just stopped giving a shit about day and night. And I found that after a while it always seemed to stabilize at around 4 or 5 am when I would always feel sleepy. So I just went to bed at 5 am. And I suddenly felt more well rested than ever before. My sleep felt consistent. I didn't have the grogginess, honestly if I had tried to force myself to conform to the standard 9-5 schedule then it would have destroyed me. The only thing wrong was that, I was a little, out of sync with the rest of the world. Or, to me really, the world was out of sync with me. And I was mad about it, because I knew I couldn't fix it.

Then I got some medication, almost begrudgingly prescribed to me from my psychiatrist. Primarily for the anxiety but it had the side effect of causing drowsiness. First one was hydroxyzine and it helped a lot I could actually get myself to sleep when I wanted to. It hurt the quality of my sleep by a lot if I actually took a dose strong enough to be effective, and I could power through it if I didn't. Second one though, 2.5 mg mirtazipine, actually still the same dose I take right now, that one took, and it was pretty gradual, it took a while for my body to adjust to it properly. But today, I notice, taking that on time is the only reliable method to actually get to bed on time. I still stay up late sometimes, but it's always because I got distracted from taking my meds, not from going to bed. If I take my meds, the latest I go to sleep is 1 hour immediately after that. If I'm really determined, I can still keep myself awake, but my brain starts to slow down, it actually makes me feel like it's 5 am.

And suddenly I understand why normal people tell me I'm doing it wrong. If this is what it's like for them then yeah, it seems crazy and disruptive to do insomnia.

But it's not for me. I'm just being punished for having a different brain.

And now I've just kinda, naturally fallen into a mostly healthy sleep schedule without really trying too hard or thinking about it, and, life moves on.

Cause the other thing is this has only fixed exactly 1 (one) of my problems.

I do not feel better. I do not feel happier. I do not have more motivation. I do not have more focus. My ADHD my depression my anxiety, they're all still wreaking havoc on my life, completely independently of this.

I just feel slightly less tired.

That's it.

It does make fighting the rest a little easier I *guess*. But I'm not cured. I'm not suddenly normal. I don't just need another 3 hour lecture about shit I already know. I know how to take care of myself. I just *can't*. I'm just, out of sync with the world. And I lack the autonomy and power to bring it to me. So I need a hammer to strike myself with to bend into shape. How I don't know. No one wants to give me a hammer without lots of back and forth energy I simply don't have. So I just wait. In Limbo, a little longer. Waiting for the next appointment. Praying my memory of it doesn't get corrupted by the constant shower of cosmic rays bouncing around inside my head.

It's been two decades, and my life still hasn't felt like it's begun.

[embrace-life1973]

If you have heard of anything like this, know what it's called, have experienced anything like this, or know of any solutions, please reply.

I don't even care if you have solutions, just knowing that I am not the only one who deals with this would be amazing.

I have very severe adhd, narcolepsy, and complex trauma. I know all 3 of these things work together to worsen each other. I am very medicated for the adhd and narcolepsy (same type of meds for both, I'm on the maximum available dose of 2 seperate stimulants and they only work until around 4pm if I'm lucky for the adhd, and 11am for the narcolepsy). I have achieved very significant burnout, and really only learned that willpower for the most part doesn't fix adhd symptoms after I already ran out of all of it. I can't take more medications, and it's not really safe for me to be on as much as I am and it's affecting my heart and my doctors are trying to figure out how to lower doses without causing other problems (During the day, my resting heart rate is usually between 100 and 120 bpm, some days with resting heart rate as high as 140 bpm, plus I have pre-POTS syndrome that is being encouraged by the high dose of meds to begin developing into full POTS).

For the most part, things I enjoy doing I can fairly easily get done and focus on without any issues, which is common for adhd.

I am a college student, and I am really struggling to get my brain to do assignments as what I've been told is a combo of adhd and narcolepsy symptoms will cause me to get completely stuck in distractions for several hours (I will recognize that I am distracted, but I can't seem to make my body and brain quit, with any attempts leading to full body muscle locking up). If I'm not stuck in a distraction I will get stuck trying to get my brain to do schoolwork, or really any productive thing, and my brain and body just won't and I will end up in a stare off between me and the work I'm trying to do, unable to move or switch to trying to do anything else because the second I try all my muscles will lock up and I physically won't be able to move. The record length for that has been 6 hours straight.

There is nothing I want to do more than to be able to get what I need to do done. I've researched everything I can and asked my doctors what to do, and I haven't found many answers that I haven't already tried to no avail before.

I get incredibly stressed out by the fact I can't move to get work done, which makes the problem worse and increases the locking-up. I am on anxiety meds to try and help to no avail, they just help with anxiety during all the other times of day. It's also very hard to explain to other people and get them to believe me, especially when it comes to most doctors and therapists and school admin and professors. This is made worse by the fact that I am academically extremely intelligent and usually can complete assignments in the few hours my brain is willing to work and have a 4.0 GPA.

My family and friends have tried to help as much as possible and have been as understanding as they can be given none of us have ever heard of something like this. When possible they will try to be in the room with me when I try to do work as that seems to help some, and I've tried to go to public places like coffee shops to help myself, but even that is slowly starting to not work anymore. Many things I've tried work for a short time, and then the effects wear off.

My room is in a state of disarray (I live with my parents and commute to college) in spite of my best efforts to keep it clean because I can't bring myself to clean most of the time. It's also hard for me to shower regularly because it is a sensory struggle for my brain, making it all the harder to get it to let me do. (I do have moderate to severe chronic pain, which also plays into some of this, although a lot is inability to bring myself to do things).

I also struggle to remember to consistently take medications outside of my adhd and narcolepsy meds, as I don't have any instant results if I don't take them (or even any result for a few days of forgetting), with the exception for my adhd and narcolepsy meds. I have tried alarms, reminders, notes, tying it to other habits, putting them where you would think I couldn't miss them, and even have had other people message me to try and help me remember.

I don't have depression, I've been tested many times and none of the times have come back saying I do, and even if I did, I can't go on SSRI medications as when I was on a very low dose of them for anxiety for a short time, I actually temporarily became depressed and anxiety actually increased, and later I found out that somehow I ended up with a genetic mutation that neither of my parents have that causes me to not respond well to those medications.

I have tried alarms, reminders, timers, trying to trick my brain into liking what I need to do, rewarding myself for doing what I need to (although I struggle with impulsivity and stopping myself from rewarding myself before I get the reward because that requires willpower), utilizing other people when possible, trying to just do it, and lists. Exercise is one of those things that is very difficult for me given the chronic pain and that my brain won't do that either. I've also tried to do everything I could find on the internet on recovering from burnout with adhd, and even without adhd, but I have run into problems in that those solutions seem to require at least a little bit of willpower, of which I already had completely ran out of before I knew that I was burnt out.

Also, eliminating distractions doesn't work since I can still get stuck in the stare off with my work, and I will quite literally get distracted by a speck on the wall (I have been distracted by that very thing more times than I can count).

The worst part about it is, it often feels like I'm not trying hard enough and I could just will myself to do work, yet when I try, I can't. This is not even taking into consideration how many people (including most doctors and therapists i've tried) have told me things like "Just do it", "you aren't trying hard enough", and "why can't you just get it done so its over with?". There is nothing I want more than to do what I need to get done, and I have spent countless nights crying over that very thing.

If you have heard of anything like this, know what it's called, have experienced anything like this, or know of any solutions, please reply. I don't even care if you have solutions, just knowing that I am not the only one who deals with this would be amazing. I quite literally have no where else to turn to except for a few social media sites in the hopes that someone here knows what I'm dealing with or at least can confirm I'm not alone in this. Doctors and therapists have failed me over and over and over again, no one else knows what I'm talking about, and I've researched everything I know to research.

[themidnightcleric]

TW death, transphobia, blatant suicidality, ableism, terrible thoughts u should not indulge

vent post

.

.

.

.

.

..I actually don't think no one loves me. I just fundamentally believe they're wrong and will inevitably be disappointed when they discover I am a husk person not a real human being and that's my fate and believe or not most of this is related to ADHD bc I can't fix it or stick with anything and all the meds make me sick so I feel doomed to do fuck all until I rot and die. Every time I get hopeful my body betrays me. Fucking MCAS.

Icannot emphasize enough that I will take myself out of at least run off into the woods to try and live like an animal, if something does not change in the next 2 years to make it possible for me to exist in society. Like getting disability j guess would help. I am a dog. Not a person. I cannot give anymore.

it is not worth living this way. Every day is an endless punishment for all the things I cannot do and at this point the pit is so deep i will not get out.

And so like posting in this way and alienating myself are a way of pushing everyone out but simultaneously hoping somehow the cry for help will reach someone who can genuinely help me. I know this isn't me, this isn't the bigger spirit that animates me speaking this is the thing that wants to kill me, but can't even show itself to the people who say they love me. We have seen too much and the desire to destroy something significant is getting stronger. I guess this is an admission I understand su*cide bombers and crave going out burning a bank or a church or a detention center. simultaneously a desperate plea for someone to show me some kind of other way that isn't this plodding, hesitating half life. Two of my friends before I left my home state told me I should have been dead by now. I know what they meant and it's great I am alive but I don't see a future other than death. It's so close, so intimate. I go to sleep with death every night waiting for her. The funny thing is not many people I know closely have died. If they had it actually might be easier like I could live for them. But instead it feels like I'm the one who is supposed to die. I live with that every day and I know I'm not the only one but with everything that's happening I no longer can believe things will get better. I'm just trying to do as much good as I can before it comes for me. I don't see anyone who really needs me here. Or wants me bad enough to merit staying. Like it's all pipe dreams, could have beens, obligations. Fake. In the clouds.

I haven't been real since I was a kid.

I'm sorry y'all. I'm really sorry. I don't know if it will even matter when it happens. Like a candle burning out. Who is gonna notice beyond another little wave of sad posts. Currently I'll probably be buried by my family as a woman. They'll say it was inevitable. I was always so mentally unwell. Kill me and blame me for it.

I have so many ideas and so much passion but no discipline for it and frankly I feel like a piece of paper god put a sketch on and crumpled up and threw away. Like that episode of Gravity Falls where Dipper clones himself and there's a Glitch Dipper who everyone sort of feels bad for until he dies. Two headed calf. All I have ever tried to be is kind while people saw more in me than I could give or sustain. At least I got to see the stars.

My soul is good but it can't live here on this plane right now. It doesn't want to. All the people I love are fighters who metabolize everything into medicine and power for the future or at least stick around hedonistically. I am not built like that. I find no pleasure in pleasure. I am weak and too fragile to exist by myself and at every turn am reminded of this. I try to play it off as kink or funny but really, I don't think anyone can survive the level of self erasure that my system has developed.

My friend keeps telling me to play Disco Elysium but it's 40 dollars and I have to save all my $ for gas and credit card payment. To be responsible. Why do I even fucking care. I'm scared if I stop caring anymore I will just let go and become fully catatonic.

Hopefully this is rock bottom and somehow I will bounce up into a new perspective tomorrow. I pushed myself into burnout because all this messaging online about Palestine and genocide is like you aren't doing enough and that really really works against my ability to do anything like the PDA I cannot help and have been fighting my whole life to just like, brush my teeth. I can't watch these people beg for help and so many turn away in hatred and then not even make phone calls. I am trying to look for the helpers but I think the fascists want to kill all of us.

It's gonna take a miracle to get through this winter. I wish I could show somebody how desperate I feel. The pills are right there. I never get rid of them. I could do it tonight. But I won't.

I don't know how long you have to scream for help. I don't think it helps anyone. People fall down the spiral. Maybe there is something to live for for others but for me, it's all conjecture. I have full responsibility to bring about everything that I could live for. If I give up, it doesn't happen. If I give up, the good things in this world go on without me. No one ever knew me really. I feel so fundamentally separated & invisible.

I'm mad I feel this way and am wasting my life talent and time. I am tired of being depressed and low key a shitty friend. I am ready for God to take me and use me for some new form of life that has a fighting chance to be something.

If only that weren't just a delusion. I wanted my life to mean something and leave a mark but at the end of the day this voice tells me it's not even worth that, that no one will remember me.

Pathetic. Jesus. How do you fight this.

I'm tired.

I'll keep fighting another day at a time. But there's no way to be okay right now. I have to live with this person the world has made me into and let go of who we could have been with more love.