#that's not their fault but it is also incredibly annoying in the moment bc it is causing me to continue spiraling

[daffythefox]

those small jokes and jabs some people will make at you when you’re friends with them like. they just wear me down so much. like I could have a face up for multiple hours and be relatively fine and then they could start doing that (like. I mess up slightly and they make a joke at my expense, or someone points out something I’m sensitive about for a joke, or someone makes a joke where the punchline is “hey you seem like you’re barely holding in your emotions) all of a sudden it’s nine times the work to be out and social without acting like a total dick (shooting back with something that plays on their insecurities as well so they sill stop pressing me) or having to leave because I’m about to break down, which is incredibly embarrassing and makes me feel like I’m just making a show so other people will feel guilty (not that I’m worried they will feel guilty, I’m worried they will think I will want them to feel guilty and that they will see me as lesser for that instead). “get something you’re fine with people joking about so they will make jokes about that and it won’t hit you as hard” why are you entitled to being able to make jokes at my expense? maybe I don’t want you to make fun of me at all!

[golbrocklovely]

privacy please // colby brock

A/N: me, posting more than once a month??? INCREDIBLE. i was midway thru writing "let's fall in love for tonight" when this idea popped into my head and i just had to write it down. part of this is inspired by a tiktok i saw of a girl talking about a time she was hooking up with a guy. i wish i could find the tiktok and share it with you all bc the moment she said what she said.... i just knew i had to include it in a fic at some point lol so shoutout to that girl. this is a short fic/blurb bc i have some other fics lined up that are gonna be full blown smut so i don't want to tucker myself out writing smut only. and if you see me using what happens in this fic in other fics.... say nothing sksks lmk what you think and i'll see you guys next time <3

prompt: you and colby just want some privacy, but the only place you can get it is in his car. || fem!reader x colby brock

trigger warning: light smut (no actual sex), cursing, making out in a car, fluff, already established relationship

word count: 1363

~~~~~~~~

"This is so ridiculous." Colby groaned, pulling away from our kiss.

I giggled, staring up at his annoyed face. "No it's not, it's kinda fun."

"How is this fun? I feel like I'm gonna pull a hamstring." He scoffed.

I sassed him, rolling my eyes. "Well, it's your fault you don't have a car big enough for your five foot eleven ass."

"I don't think I was meant to lay out horizontally in my car." He replied back, just as snarky.

"Well, blame Toyota," I sat up on my elbows, huffing. Does he think I'm comfortable in this cramped back seat? "Or better yet, Sam and Kat for wanting to have their friends over when all we want to do is fuck."

"Maybe if you weren't so loud, we could have sex in my room without everyone knowing." Colby raised an eyebrow at me daringly. I could see his bottom lip quiver as he tried to hold back a laugh.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You never seemed to have a problem with my screaming before. I'll gladly remember next time you're begging me to say your name to be quiet."

He gasped, legitimately upset. "Begging?! I don't beg."

"'C'mon baby, say my name.'" I mocked in a deep voice. "What's that sound like to you?"

"Commanding!" He barked.

"Not when you're breathy it ain't!" I jeered sarcastically.

Colby sat up quickly, pouting jokingly. He kept my legs on his lap, his hands cupping my ankles. I sighed deeply, smiling up at the ceiling of the car. "Are you really not enjoying this?"

He chuckled, the 'tension' in the car defusing. "I enjoy any time I get to be alone with you."

I hummed, "Good to know. I think this is kinda exciting. It feels like I'm a teenager again, sneaking around with a boyfriend my mom doesn't know about."

"Am I, like, your edgy boyfriend?" He questioned, side eyeing me.

"Oh yeah. You have tattoos, wear all black, curse, drink..." I gasped, "Oh my God, you're, like, so cool."

Colby bit his lip, staring at me intensely. "Get over here."

He grabbed my wrists lightly, pulling me up. I straddled him, a soft grunt falling from his lips as a I settled onto his lap. "Much better." He murmured.

I studied his face for a moment, taking in all the little details I could. The way his hair fell, covering his forehead. The lovely shape of his eyebrows, manicured without him trying - which was honestly the most annoying thing about him. He also had surprisingly long eyelashes for a man, something I was jealous about as well. His eyes - which of course were to die for. So blue and deep. I had stared into them so many times I had lost count. I never saw the end of them, never studied them long enough to know every intricate detail about them. I don't think there would ever be enough time to do that.

"Hi." Colby whispered, softly smiling.

A light blush came to my cheeks, "Hi."

My hands cupped his face sweetly, his eyes closing at the feeling. I gazed at his cheeks; how adorable they were. I would try my best to remind him that even though he didn't like them himself, I enjoyed his "chubby" cheeks. His dimples. Oh my GOD, his dimples. If I could, I would take a picture of every time I was able to make his dimples appear. I would fill a whole photo album of just his face smiling. And I can't forget his nose. His nose was so... masculine, in an interesting way. It fit his face perfectly. Angular with a slight point.

And then of course his lips. I've had dreams of just kissing him. Of just staring at his mouth. Sometimes it's hard to pay attention to him when he talks because all I can think about is his lips and what they've done to me, and what they plan to do.

He laced his fingers through mine, finally breaking the silence in the car. "What's going on in that head of yours? You look so lost in thought."

"I'm just... looking at you." I confessed.

"You like what you see?" He mumbled.

"Love." I emphasized.

He nodded his head, his eyes filled with adoration. He rested his forehead against mine, our lips brushing. His hand slid out of mine, meeting his other on the small of my back. "You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me."

"The feeling is completely mutual." I agreed.

"Good to know...." He leaned in and pecked my lips gently, almost taking my breath away. He pushed my body into his, pressing me as closely as he could. I deepened the kiss, my fingers tugging on his hair. His tongue slid into my mouth, a moan leaving my lips. My hips naturally grinded down onto him, his hands gripping my waist a little harder from the friction.

He moved his mouth from mine, kissing down my neck and finding the perfect spot in seconds. I lulled my head back, allowing him to attack my neck with his lips and tongue and teeth. I whimpered, my hips bucking against his. He pushed his up, grinding just against the right spot to make my breath hitch. I could feel him getting harder under me, pressing against me in the most sinful way. His hands drifted to my thighs, rubbing up and down them.

"You know..." Colby chimed in, breathlessly. "I really love these fishnets."

I uttered, in a daze. "Wha-?"

He continued his motions, causing goosebumps to form on my skin, "I really like that you wear fishnets. They look so sexy on you."

I cleared my throat, finally able to think again. "Um, thank you."

"It's too bad they just take forever to get off." He somewhat grumbled, dropping his head.

I shrugged halfheartedly. "Yeah, I guess."

"How many pairs do you have?" He asked, looking back up at me.

"Of fishnets? Like five or so." I guessed.

Colby nodded. "And how much was this pair?

"What?" I squinted at him, confused. He blinked, wanting me to continue. "Uh, they were like $25."

"Okay...." He paused, his hands resting on top of my thighs. "Remind me to pay you back."

Before I could say anything, Colby's grip tightened on the fishnets. His fingers laced through the holes in the material. He pulled his arms back, ripping the fishnets with ease. I shuttered at his action, gasping in awe, anger, and lust at seeing him tear them without any problems. Feeling them rip from my body, my skin now exposed, caused heat to rush to my sex. My underwear grew even more wet as my eyes met his dark ones.

"Colby! What the fuck?!" I yelled.

"Don't tell me you didn't like that." He grew close to my face, his voice lowering, "Don't lie to me, baby."

I stammered, trying to form words under his lustful gaze. "T-That's not the point. What are you, an animal?"

"Only with you, darling." He whispered harshly.

My breath raced as I glared into Colby's eye. He had such a devilish look to him, and while I was pissed he would rip my favorite tights, it was also extremely hot.

"Fuck, I hate you." I yanked his face forward, forcing his lips onto mine deeply. He smirked against the kiss, humming a response playfully. I snaked my tongue into his mouth, needing to taste him.

He pulled away, catching his breath at my expense. "Are you sure you want to do this? I can't exactly get on top of you."

"If you have to fuck me in the trunk, then so be it. I just need you to do it now." I gripped his shirt, wanting it off his body.

He laughed darkly. "I don't know... you're demanding a lot for someone that's very breathy."

"Colby, don't fucking tease me." I grabbed his hand, sliding it into my underwear and putting his fingers against my heat. I breathed, "I'm so wet for you."

He swallowed hard, his pupils dilating. "Okay... I think we can manage something."

[evil-ontheinside]

I have the feeling that Mike would lose all respect for Eddie if he sees him together with Steve. He sees Eddie pathetically flirting with an oblivious Steve and pulls a face, then goes to complain to Will about why Eddie has to have a crush on Steve. Will gets nervous bc fuck Mike is homophobic? but Mike just tells him about That Night (the one before 'human anatomy?') and that Eddie can't be cool anymore when he likes Steve who lost any chances of being genuinely respected by Mike. And now that Eddie has a crush/is dating Steve, all illusions of Eddie's charm are lost forever (this might also lead to Will coming out to Mike when he realizes that he wouldn't hate him and perhaps Mike coming out and love confessions and-)

So, whenever Steddie do something in front of the Party Mike has his look of irritation on his face and Eddie thinks he misjudged Mike when he notices bc Mike might be a little homophobic? Which doesn't fit into the whole dynamic he has going with Will but who knows. So Eddie asks him (in front of everyone bc he's not above outing a homophobe to their very accepting friend group) and Mike pulls that face again and just seconds before he opens his mouth Eddie recognizes it as regret and realizes Mike Wheeler is a little piece of shit. "I just can't believe I thought you were cool once" and Will (who now that he heard the story would give a lot to have seen that firsthand) starts to laugh while Eddie fully realizes that he lost any cool points he ever had with Mike

In the beginning, Eddie is so confused bc this child used to admire him, listen to everything he had to say, worship the ground he walks on and now he's dragging him every chance he gets. When Eddie asks why Mike suddenly lost all interest in him Will whispers 'it's the Harrington effect', Mike just nods and that's the only answer he gets

Mike becomes just as snarky and annoying with Eddie as he is with everyone else. And every time Mike gives him that look that says 'you're as dumb as a rock Eddie how do you not know this' Eddie is incredibly close to strangling him but also kind of happy that Mike finally is himself around him and not the blind puppy he was before

Eddie is also reluctantly impressed (reluctant bc now he can't give Mike the satisfaction of being impressed, not when he's such a brat) with Mike's problem-solving bc we know it's Mike who usually figures everything out. At least now he knows why Mike was such a good strategist during their campaign

Steve gives him a pat on the back in a moment of despair and says that it's probably his fault. Hopper chimes in that Mike is allergic to any kind of father/authority figure and that, now that he has parent status in the Party, it's just a natural development. Eddie has a whole new crisis that he's now some kind of father figure to the kids

[theboookwitch]

Love Next Door spoilers below (and ranting that is not friendly to Seunghyo's character so if you don't want to partake, scrolling is free)!

It's actually so annoying how there are so many dramas that people love and adore that I just can't be obsessed with due to being a 34 year old with a fully formed frontal lobe and at least a decade of being treated terribly by men lol

Like I wanted to be obsessed with Love Next Door. I genuinely enjoyed the first like 4 episodes. I need to start out by saying the acting is incredible and I would die for Mo-eum and the reporter and his daughter. I deeply related to Seokryu as a burnt out older daughter with a difficult relationship with her mom and all of her family's expectations. I loved that in the first 4 episodes you could see that yes, while they did bicker, the genuine friendship and care was still there. And I typically love a "he fell first" moment. BUT...here is where my issues come into play.

I cannot fucking stand when it's a friends to lovers story and the man falls first and then goes on to treat the FL like actual dogshit bc she's not living up to the expectations in his head. Like Seokryu does not know that Seunghyo likes her. She continues to treat him like he's her lifelong friend that she deeply cares about. And at every single turn, he is acting like a petulant child. You can say "ohhh but he does all this stuff for her when she's not looking! it's so cuteeeee." I don't care. To her face, he keeps telling her things like that she needs to grow up and leave the past behind. When she brings him the food she makes on the first day of class and he turns it down in such a mean way and then gets all pissed off and jealous when her ex eats her food? I was so annoyed. He had ten fucking years to tell her he liked her and yes...timing was off and things were fucked, but that doesn't mean you can treat someone like that who has no idea why you're behaving like that. She looks so hurt and confused. And he gets mad at her for everything and instead of being an adult and communicating or just idk having the thought of like "oh my crush is my fault I can't take it out on her" he continues to be a dick. Telling her she needs to move on and they can't be close or whatever like he wasn't the one who remodeled her room and moved back to his parents as soon as she came back to Korea. Like he wasn't the one who told her the time capsule letter was a joke.

Idk maybe bc I've had close guy friends before who like ended up treating me like shit bc I allegedly friend zoned them when I genuinely thought we were friends but they got it into their heads that I owed them sex bc we were friends...but I can't handle that shit. If you cannot get your shit together and confess or if you cannot get over your feelings and treat a woman with the same respect you'd treat any friend, then it's hard for me to root for you. Also like...y'all ever notice that when women have unrequited feelings, we don't tend to be assholes to the person we have the feelings for? Bc we don't automatically assume we deserve their love and attention?

Also, even before he finds out about her diagnosis, he knows that she's at least going through a massive break up, work burnout and quitting a job and also moving back home - like if he's allegedly her best friend...why does he treat her like that when she's going through it? If he loves her so much, how is he making this like super rough time in her life completely about him? I get it - he also has trauma and was raised with parents who do not talk and that I'm sure has informed his life. I understand. Truly. BUT!!! While trauma can be a reason for your actions, it is not an excuse to then go ahead and be a dick to people around you.

Also...his reaction to her diagnosis...once again making it about himself and his hurt? That is not the move. I don't care if he is scared and angry and hurt. I don't give a fuck about his feelings. SHE HAD CANCER!!!!!!! AND HER ALLEGED BEST FRIEND WHO LOVES HER CALLED HER PATHETIC!!!!!!! HELLO?????

If that happened to a friend of mine, I would hunt that man down and beat him to a pulp.

Once again, I will say that the acting is amazing. I love Jung Haein and Jung Somin. BUT when thinking of this stuff in reality, I just was getting so mad every episode. There are so many ways to get around or get over feelings without being an absolute asswipe.

Sorry I needed to rant bc I haven't seen one post of anyone thinking anything is wrong with his behavior. Just tons of posts talking about his feelings...weirdly enough, I've seen people call Seokryu selfish. Love how that happens.

Anyways, I'm gonna wait for the fanfic where Seokryu ends up with his ex and they live a beautiful lesbian life making beautiful pottery and beautiful food and beautiful love.

[kajiimotojiiro]

Who are your favorite and least favorite FKMT characters?

Oh man. Okay. The thing is I love like all of the characters so far (with one major exception) so this is going to be long and probably annoying BUT I have nothing better to do than ramble so.

FIRST OF ALL. Kazuya.... my boy.... I just think he's so fucking intriguing. If he wasn't a gambler I'm sure he'd be that freak cave diving and skydiving and riding a motorcycle 200 mph in the dark with no helmet on just to try and feel something besides immense boredom. He was doomed from the moment he was born. While some authors are literally typing "this is research for writing I promise" in google so they don't get flagged as someone dangerous he's straight up just torturing people for reference. I love the way he speaks. I think he's incredibly endearing despite. Gestures. His everything. I'm actually at a standstill in reading the manga bc I keep just rereading his first chapter he appears in and grinning like an idiot. Anyway. I'm very normal about his crazy ass.

Of course I also adore Kaiji. Who doesn't??? Like. See hims face. He's so cute. He's so hopeless. Living embodiment of the dumbest fucking choices possible. Anxiety gijinka. Sweats more than the entire cast of top gun. The only thing that beats out his obsession to gamble endlessly is his obsession with helping EVERYONE ALL THE TIME TO HIS OWN DETRIMENT. Despite everything he can't help but be kind and determined and I just. Man. Adrenaline junkie who is addicted to his own panic attacks. I love him so much. I cry if I think about him too much.

ENDOU. MAN. I need him to go batshit feral in a Teiai meeting like full nothings gonna stop me now paul Kaye style. He deserves it. As a treat. The entire series is basically his fault so the fact that he keeps ending up in trouble throughout it makes me laugh like bro. Every single time you get involved with Kaiji everything goes to hell for you WHEN WILL YOU LEARN. But also don't ever learn bc I will be sad if he disappears from the manga. Where is his spinoff fkmt. Where is it. And can it just be him in his downtime reviewing restaurants.

Tonegawa!!!! I miss him. Biggest style glow up in the manga tbh. Sure yeah he is an ass and doesn't really see any of the gamblers as people but. I love him anyway. He did NOT deserve what he got. It wasn't even his fault his opponent was batshit insane. I need him back. Please please please please please.

Okay this is already forever long let's have honorable mentions. Ishida - He's so cute and I feel so bad and I cheered when Kaiji punched his idiot son for bitching about him. I hope he was unconscious before he hit the ground. Sahara - Possibly actually the most insane guy in the series. Bro WHY did you wanna be in a death game so badly. Definitely had the young guy mindset of invincibility. "You smell different" Sir WHAT are you fucking TALKING about. He on x games motherfucker. Uhhhh. No okay I'm cutting myself off bc like. I have a lot of feelings.

I lied one more - Mikoko. She deserves sooooo much better than Kaiji I'm sorry yeah everyone loves him but he's kinda just a dweeb. I hope we see more of her actually.

As for least favourites.... Sakazaki is like. He's okay. He's kinda pathetic as all hell but he pulled through in the bog arc. But whenever he starts talking about Mikoko it kinda skeeves me out. I don't think he's doing anything weird or wrong or whatever I'm just like sir why are you imagining your daughter pregnant. That's uncomfortable I don't like it. Otherwise he's okay. He's just kinda there.

OTHERWISE THERES ONLY ONE RAT BASTARD IN THE ENTIRE SERIES I HATE (sorry this ended up being only about Kaiji - you see, it's the only fkmt work I've really interacted with. Otherwise I'm p sure Washizu would have been up there in my faves.) But. Like. Kazutaka just fucking sucks. And believe me, I've loved some shit tier villains before, but he's just. He's not even fun to hate, he's just _there_. "I want more money" OK then like. Get into counterfeiting or SOMETHING that's more interesting than just slobbering all over the screen when you show up. I just can't think of a single enjoyable character trait. Tantrum throwing piss baby who just likes being cruel to be cruel. And again, like, it can totally be done well! He's just fucking 1 note and boring. To me he adds nothing. He's a placeholder when more interesting opponents aren't around. Keel over already shithead.

[lovemyromance]

I have a little rant lol.

In general, the entire acotar fandom is immature and toxic (I honestly think its gotten so bad since nesta's book came out). Most of these people are grown women and men arguing back and forth about characters and ships. It's bad enough that its been going on for years that its sad. "I'll laugh at the elriels or gwnyriels or the eluciens if their ship isnt endgame" Do the people who say that realize how embarrassing they are? Many people are going to have good and terrible theories but bashing people and harassing people over fictional characters is just immature. I also hate when they say "its that [insert ship] the one who is being the most toxic and weird" NO. its all of you. None of us know who is going to be endgame no matter the theories you have or anything. YOU DONT KNOW. So, please, can we stop this already? its getting annoying and weird. This fandom has made it incredibly difficult to know who the next book is going to be about when its right in front of their eyes. Sarah has not made it impossible to know who the next will be about and I think thats why shes been so quiet about because everyone is being so aggressive about this ship war. I just know the moment she announces the couple, she'll get a ton of hate when its not even her fault because people love to twist her words on paper and thinks she's probably doing that but it could mean a whole other thing. Yall have let theories get to your head and twisted words so much that I think it's incredibly unhealthy for all of you to be acting this way. Stick with who you ship or love and of course, you can have beautiful theories, but toxicity is not necessary. No need to go back and forth about who is the real "endgame".

I mean yeah this fandom is insane. Sometimes as I'm aggressively typing out a reply to an anon who calls me a delusional psychotic bitch bc I made an Elriel post they didn't like, I genuinely just blink and think what the fuck am I doing?

It's partly why I didn't want get involved. At all.

I still try to keep to myself. Only even entertain the antis if they come to my posts. I stick to my own tags.

But there are people - and you're right they are from both sides, as I have also said multiple times on my blog -that go out of their way to start a fight on posts they know aren't meant for them.

These are the people that are making this fandom so toxic. Like I understand, no one person can be responsible for a fandom's collective behavior, but you can be responsible for yourself at the very least.

I have always made it clear what i believe acceptable behavior for discourse in this fandom is and isn't. It's not something I can personally enforce for others, but I can follow myself.

It really is crazy how out of hand this fandom has gotten because other people can't control themselves. If I see an anti Elriel post I don't like (and I don't follow any tags, actually, so I see ALL the ships posting), I have the self control to ignore it and keep scrolling.

This fandom has been overrun by childish adults, intent on being louder than the rest. It's crazy how many disgusting things have been said over just fictional characters, it makes me wonder what these people are like in real life.

At the end of the day - there's going to be a book and one side is going to be proven right. It's not worth all these vitriol that's been spewed across all sides just to "be right". I at least, would be perfectly fine to read an Elucien book. If Elriel does happen, I'm certainly not going to lord it over anyone's head and laugh.

Not worth my time. Not worth my energy.

[punkisntdeadandneitherami]

Thought i'd share my experience with suicidal thoughts and self harm so here it goes. A lot of triggers probably so you may wanna step out.

When i was 10 years old, i was really stuck on school stuff. like, they put a lot of pressure on us, and i'm a real procrastinator. i waited till the last moment to do all that stuff, and honestly it's my fault. the thing is, i had to stay up till kinda late, wich i used to NEVER do. plus, on the next day we had to present that stuff to our parents, plus dance for everyone else's parents too, and play a song, and i have social anxiety. This got me so stressed for the longest time, bc it was like a huge thing and it was worth a lot of my grades. to top it all off, that annoying ex friend who kept pressuring us didnt even show up.

The next year, i started hating school for it. It felt useless, and i felt no motivation. The worst part was: that year, i made two friends, but they ended up pretty fake, one in specific. she thouht she was better than me, and made sure i knew it. She made fun of using medicine, was pretty ableist and was a complete narcissist. During that time, i started thinking i was autistic. i related way too much with stuff i read about it, but when i told her i thought that she went "haha aren't we all" and just kept on with her life. She didnt try to underestand me, and i think i felt a need to be validated by her. I started feeling the pressure of school, the dependence i felt towards my friends and my self hate, always being fed by both media i came across and my toxic relationship with my own feelings.

Soon, i started feeling extremely depressed, trying to figure out if i truly was autistic or if there was something wrong with me. To complement all that, i started finding out about my queerness, which was important, but it actually only made me feel more stressed.

I had to go with my parents on their business trip on October, and it felt great to escape for a while. The problem was that, by the time, i already felt incredibly depressed. I wasnt exited about anything, had no motivation, and to be honest the only thing that kept me from killing myself was the thought of how my friends would feel, specially one of my best friends, who nowadays i am proud to call my brother, was also suffering with his own mental health.

On that trip, i had many valuable conversations with my friends, them helping me go through this even with the distance, even if every time i saw a window i begged myself to jump. They helped me figure out my sexuality, which also gave me courage to both come out to my mom and come clean about my depressing thoughts.

After i came back home, i started having to wear an orthopedic vest or whatever, idk how to say that in english. Of course that didnt help much my situation, but at least i started going to therapy. I went back into school and saw my friends, including that one girl i mentioned earlier.

While that happened, i had some serious anger issues. I was pretty rude to her, while she was ableist to me. After I told her and my other friends I'm a lesbian, they all were supportive of me, except for her. It kept on for the whole year, until i finally changed schools together with a friend of mine.

I could see other friends on my new school, but the change was weird. The new school was farther from my house so i had to wake up earlier, but at least i got rid of seeing that girl. The thing is, i kept lying to my therapist, and felt like i couldnt tell anyone my thoughts and feelings. I started having kinda murderous thoughts about me killing my homophobic classmates and then myself. I continued procrastinating my arts project, and i thought i'd get a failing grade. Not long after, i started cutting myself. I liked the pain. Its like I had always felt. By the time, i found out a way of fooling the medicine, kind of stopping it from working. I thought I deserved to feel like this. I started planning on killing myself.

I had the perfect plan of every step i'd take. I'd take a cup of coffee on the middle of the night, wearing my favourite PJ's, steal a bunch of ginger biscuits from the kitchen and go to the little empty house on our yard. I'd grab a knife with me. I was going to send my goodbyes via whatsapp, eat all the biscuits and cut my palm with the knife, to use the blood to write on the walls. After that, i'd slit my throat. But i didnt do any of these. Because of my ex brother-in-law.

I started planning my goodbyes, sending myself the texts i'd send them that night, just so i could copy and paste. Then, i'd send their friends texts for them to comfort my friends. On that, i sent my ex brother-in-law a message asking him to comfort my brother the next day. I thought he wouldnt see it immediatly, but he did. He asked why, and i answered i was going to kill myself. He started lecturing me, and i admit that his speech wasnt what kept me alive, but the fact it lasted 10 minutes and made me forget to drink the coffee to keep me up.

I slept tightly that night, the night i had been planning to be my last.

After that hell of a night, i started using my medicine correctly, which helped a lot on my recovery. Today, a fuck ton of time later, I'm telling you about it, because a few days ago i cut myself again. I dont want anyone to go through that, to think their feelings arent valid because there are people who suffer more, who think life is nothing but the limited time of working of the brain and the heart.

Life means, you get to change. Life means, you get to thrive. Life literally means whatever the fuck you want it to mean. So live. It's your only chance.

[onehundredandeleventropicalfish]

(MAJOR COMIC SPOILERS ON THIS ONE)

i just. i love brief lives for a lot of reasons, it’s so beautifully written, and it’s funny and has good character moments

and it also has a fuck ton of really interesting parallels

and right now i’m thinking about “never had the sense to come in out of the rain”

like i’ve written a lot about desire and dream’s complicated relationship and i’m sure i will continue to, here and here for existing metas

but this is really what gets right down to it - desire is very aware of dream’s incredible ability to fuck himself over with very little provocation, and when it doesn’t matter, when there’s no real consequences, they love pushing him around just to see how far he’ll fall, because he’s annoying and it’s funny and maybe now he’ll take them seriously

but desire knows when to stop. and that’s what this entire volume is, it’s dream falling into every trap desire’s ever laid for him, except this time, none of them were desire’s fault

so like, this volume starts with what is, at that point, pretty much a purely humorous scene - dream standing barefoot outside in the rain for three weeks because his latest girlfriend left.

and, while merv is generally a bit overcritical of dream, and this is mostly complaining about the rain, merv catches it right then and there - dream’s problem is he doesn’t know how to let things go

and it’s that that drives this plot - dream accepts delirium’s offer to travel, not because he wants to find destruction, but because he’s hoping to meet with thessaly again

but he meets with desire before he does - and he asks desire, was this your fault? desire’s certainly messed with his love life in the past, this is one of their signature moves, but this time they’re not playing. they know delirium’s on a dangerous path and they tell delirium to stop and dream to stay out of it

which doesn’t work. and dream not being able to let his relationship go means he stumbles into an actual problem, which he can’t let go, which means he has to go to destruction to solve it, which means he has to talk to orpheus, who he can’t betray, which means he breaks the most important rule - endless can’t kill family.

and desire knew it was coming. knew something bad would happen if he kept down this road, it’s why they warned him away (and this isn't the only time desire's tried to keep dream off a dangerous path - they fixed everything in overture in secret, without ever asking for credit, bc they knew if they revealed themselves dream would immediately stop listening and go do something stupid, and if they didn't help dream at all he'd die and eventually so would everyone else)

(that plan worked. the second time, they don't have as much advance warning to come up with something clever, and their word alone has never been enough for dream)

but dream never did come in out of the rain, he just brought the rain with him, chasing that feeling as it snowballed.

and spilling family blood, that’s the other old trap of desire’s. they’ve tried to get him to break it before, but again, that was a game. those were times when they didn’t really think dream would lose. but it’s always been real to dream, so he doesn’t recognise the warning for what it is, and it means there’s nothing desire can do but watch their plan that they never wanted to succeed win. and that terrifies them

and the snowball keeps going. orpheus’ murder calls down the kindly ones on his head, who he tries to wait out, but he can’t let go of his promise to nuala, which means they get access to the dreaming

and he can’t let the dreaming go. was never the person who could leave, no matter how much he wanted to, couldn’t abandon his responsibilities. he had a hundred opportunities to stop, to back out, to say this wasn’t his problem and to save himself. but for all his siblings tried (and all of them tried, every single one of them has their moment where they try to get through to dream about escaping the trap he’s built for himself), dream doesn’t know how to let things go

and keeping that much weight tied around you, billions of years of it, compounding constantly without being able to stop or move on - that’ll drown anyone eventually

and their address at his funeral is so simple. but because of that one repeating line, it says so much

[antiloreolympus]

5 Anti LO Asks

(Note: All of these asks are before episode 206 (Season 2 finale) so some may be dated.) 1. fastpass spoilers everyone who says persephone is just y/n at this point is right. she's an unsympathetic asshole (chasing a dude in a relationship and trying to dodge punishment), every man wants her, nothing is really her fault (introducing eris was so fucking cheap), and after zeus told her about his trauma she was incredibly callous about it. the worst part is how RS claims she isn't a mary sue and how the readers want persephone coddled. i honestly believe some fans see themselves as persephone, so they take any of her L's as a personal attack. god.anyways zeus best character

2. LBR, she will NOT make Aphrodite/Hephaestus endgame, so what's left exactly? Aphrodite uses a disabled man to "get back" at Ares? Hephaestus is tricked into a loveless marriage so Aphrodite to get back at Ares? Maybe they can follow the mythology (bc RS won't follow any of it unless its to make a disabled man miserable and demonize a woman who isn't Persephone) and have Aphrodite cheating on him and then blame HIM for not being hot like Ares. This whole thing is so bad no matter how you cut it.

3. I think Persephone being labeled as Queen of The Underworld is just.. way too soon in the comic. Like, how we were used to seeing her, she didn't really have any life of her own. She had the role of Demeter's child, someone who studies and is in constant care, but that was dropped the moment she met Hades. ...and that's about it. Persephone going to the overworld would have been a great experience for the readers to see her own grown leadership. How she's not being hidden away by her mother or by Hades for her crimes, how she deals with them head first, how she compared to Demeter in terms of being a leader. Maybe she's more modern, or more creative, maybe she created new flowers based on the underworld or Olympus (since we haven't seen her grow anything else but pedals). Maybe during her depression, her failed duties are what casted winter onto mortals. But no, instead of seeing her development, seeing what she knows vs what she's learned along the way, the timeskip just added a bandaid and said that she's as flawless as ever. It's such a grab bag of a timeskip, we don't get to see that development or see Persephones struggles, we just have to trust that it's there, and it did in fact happen. The story could also pull a Thanos in the future, remember the whole 'child labor' excuse they randomly pulled to make him look like a hypocrite? No doubt in my mind that things will be made up for Persephone as she goes. One flaw will be countered by a memory we were never exposed to, making an endless utility belt. It's annoying, the one thing people read any H and P story for is to see Persephone develop into her own character. She's just so hollow that it's unreal

4. I mean, it’s not just the fact LO defenders have bad excuses. It’s just the fact any hand-wringing defense of it can easily be beaten with more than two seconds of thought. It doesn’t matter how many excuses you try, it’s still a poorly written, declined art comic full of poor pacing, silly fan service and retcons, and a treasure trove of misogynistic, racist, queerphobic, antisemitic, ableist, and classist tropes, and much more. The reason defense of it often fails is bc it’s just not that good

5. Tbh the fact you can take her name off of the comic and still think a man made it is a BAD thing. I know there are some people who try and defend it with some loopy logic of her “reclaiming” the misogynistic way women are depicted by men or w/e but that’s?? Not true?? The whole thing screams MALE power fantasy? If anything that’s worse, Rachel is a woman who is undoubtedly has dealt with misogyny yet is like “ok but it’s good when when a guy I like does it” which like no?? That’s still bad??

[troglobite]

re: abandoning idea that you're special

currently trying to deal w this bc it was all so mundane.

but the way i've been treated…like it hurts MORE if i accept that the reason ppl treated me that way is just bc they're boring and mean, and i was a convenient target.

it hurts MORE if there's nothing for me to change abt myself and try and learn that way. it hurts MORE if my pain therefore doesn't matter to anyone.

like my therapist keeps saying this shit is PROTECTIVE, it's not just punishing myself, it's protecting myself from a reality that hurts worse and makes me mean less.

it doesn't HAVE to, but it's not easy or simple and it doesn't make me feel better, and given everything else going on i'm sort of just too tired rn to fully come to grips w this.

i don't think i'm special in a positive or negative way, just unique in a stupid way.

it's also really hard to accept if i have never met a single person w the same experience as me that makes me feel the most pathetic.

like not identical but there are a few things where i'm like, okay even ppl who say they relate still had xyz and i didn't. not trying to nitpick or be special, but it makes me feel worse when someone in THEORY is like I Get It! and then they v much don't in a way that makes me look more pathetic

here i'll be specific:

d/von pr/ce also just posted abt this

there was a lesbian who msged them and said early 20s, haven't ever been kissed, on a date, no one has expressed interest, what should they do? what's going on? is it just bc they've missed the flirting bc they're autistic?

and the response was stop being self-obsessed and pay attn to other ppl then pursue ppl and ask for what you want, don't be passive in your own experience of attraction, etc.

and i can't speak for that person, but

why would i ever do that when i have spent my entire life being ridiculed for existing and other ppl have thought it was a JOKE when i found someone attractive

like

idk abt that person, but for me it is very much not me being a PASSIVE PERSON or NOT PAYING ATTENTION to what i like or find interesting abt others

i am not self-obsessed (in the Make People Like Me way) to the point that i don't pay attention at all

piloting in conversations AT ALL is VERY DIFFICULT, and that INCLUDES just trying to learn abt someone

i'm just tired and angry. nothing i do has a good outcome. with people.

and it's not--my passivity or obsession w Being Likable (which arguably i have deliberately failed at multiple times in my life) that made me lonely or confused.

it was the hatred and bigotry of other people

and these two forces are always at war in my head

"stop telling me everything wrong w me and my life is my fault. it's not. stop acting like me taking a ~simple~ action will fix it, it won't. i'm trying my best and right now i'm so tired i'm just conserving energy and trying to even mentally and emotionally think abt and process everything that i haven't bothered REALLY thinking abt before."

and then also

"there must be something fucking wrong w me for so many ppl to so casually and mundanely HATE me. i must be bad at conversations. at people. i must be annoying. i must be doing something wrong. if i could just figure out what."

and then the advice is always

unmask!

stop worrying abt that!

take an active interest in people!

as if being unmasked and trying to be interested in people hasn't been LITERALLY THE INCITING INCIDENT FOR SO MUCH OF MY, again, very boring and mundane abuse.

so no, reaching out and taking an interest in people and asking for what i want isn't going to go well. it's also a pandemic and I CANNOT LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE so my options are LIMITED.

and no, unmasking is incredibly painful with very limited benefits.

i am a very precarious point in my life, and i can't imagine being MORE VISIBLY DISABLED is going to help me AT ALL.

and no, abandoning this idea that i'm "special" is not helpful and not possible at this moment.

that lesbian that reached out to DP is younger than me, and that is still the closest i've ever come to someone ACTUALLY relating to me on that front.

i have never been on a date. i am almost 29 years old. people consider that a RED FLAG abt me.

everything i listen to has ppl expressing surprised or amusement if someone hasn't had sex by a certain age, or kissed by a certain age.

or ppl saying "it's fine if you're a late bloomer lesbian, in my experience most of us don't care if it's you're first time with a woman"

how about first time, PERIOD? how about first relationship, PERIOD?

it's just this whole part of life that i've never been a part of and i WANT.

i was interested in boys in school. i DID pursue them. in the classically awkward but not overly creepy (as far as i can remember) way of young preteens and teens.

and it was never received well. it never went well.

i'm just tired.

i don't want platitudes "oh life will be better if you do xyz" or "tons of ppl share that experience, it isn't unique"

i want an actual person w the same experience to look me in the eye and say "yeah that happened to me, too. it was awful."

i pay so much attention to other people that i have fun fancy little categories for them all in my head. not in a mean or limiting way, but where i get to see them grouped w other ppl and i can see Patterns in humanity--what i've seen of humanity.

i think abt my friends & other ppl & their lives and appearances and experiences and what i like abt them or just thinking abt them and taking them in.

yes i pay attn to making myself as inoffensive as possible--but based on what i know abt those ppl. i couldn't do what i do if i wasn't paying attention to other ppl in a very close and important way. all i do is think abt and anticipate how others might feel. i try to be considerate. i try to frame my language in a way that's helpful or clear to them. i don't want to hurt them or show that i misunderstood them if i did--i want to make sure i understand them as much as i can.

conflict is a part of life, and in theory it's fine--the problem is that even productive conflict rarely ever goes well for me. even if i want to address it. even if i try and handle it REALLY well.

i'm just tired of responses that flatten out the REASONS why things go poorly, the REASONS these are the protective strategies and masking i've had to learn.

my "problem" is that i don't care if it hurts me. and that no one cares abt my hurt.

but i've had to pay close attention to others my whole life. i've had to do things to make life survivable. and i don't even have it that bad.

i'm in this stupid grey area where it's not that bad so i should just get over it.

then i get yelled at for comparing myself to others, when it's all i've been taught to do.

everything i do is wrong and my fault and i'm tired.

[borreloadsavagedragon]

11, 16, and 20

oh god, I’ll do my best!!!

11. number of fandom-related words you've filtered

3! And they are all names for the same one ship bc this community loves to make new names out of nowhere for everything omg

I’ve mentioned this one in particular before vaguely in character ask games but I don’t wanna always bring it up, the tag and filtering system does all it has to for me and ygo is one of the few communities that actually does tag accordingly usually, Twitter is the raging exception but Twitter rewards witty captions versus tags and I love obstacle courses 

I’ve gotten vagued about and subtweeted enough for sharing the ships I do like, I’d hate to be someone who bashes something of value to someone else and make them feel insecure about their favorite things by subtweeting them because I do know many who do love the pair 

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

I had to think on this one bc the only things I could honest to god think of were a handful of ships and I really don’t wanna go that route dbshhsjs

I will literally read anything that isn’t like… too much into dead dove territory 

BUT

Some Fanon inside jokes can be annoying once they’re super overdone, ygo jokes I come across aren’t too bad outside of the TCG (ygo players reading jokes and draw good card memes are so bad, stop making them 733627472738 times) but like… even in our small franchise corner, some of them are overplayed

Like Yusei drank milk once and now his figure has to have a glass of milk, we did that

NSFW for literally ten seconds but

(also stop making the stereotypical rival characters into domineering or nasty tops, it’s weird)

20. part of canon you found tedious or boring

oh my god ok, here it is, the one question I can go full hater on

Ok so I LOVE protags usually, I'm rarely a protag hater, but I hate when shows go out of their way to make protags solve EVERYTHING even when it’s really not appropriately theirs, like shows that need to find reasons to keep protagonists in the episode or in the frame, or to remind us that it’s the protag’s world and the cast is just all living in it

Like it’s definitely my fault being so involved with Shonen shows that I don’t get to see the latter happen a lot since Shonen is like the BIGGEST offender of this trope but I still wanna complain!!!!!!

God I lowkey wanna talk abt Arc V for this but we’re just gonna… *brushes show off of desk into a lock drawer* 

That’s a can I cannot open

So let's talk Zexal II, aka the part where I get to talk about the worst duel in the entire franchise because I can’t even rewatch these episodes for my analysis without wanting to slap my computer shut, it makes me that angry 

Uh

Some Spoilers since I know you're still watching

😭😭😭

Like this comes from a place of someone who fights off Yuma hate in the TCG community regularly

But in my whole ass I feel like Heartland and Kaito’s duel is an actual disaster

It's also honestly a little bit of character assassination as a treat for no reason but we'll touch that in detail in the paper

And letting Yuma and Astral take this duel over is just an egregious slap in the face lmfao

Especially how the show chooses to handle Kaito passing out and everything following when he finally returns to consciousness that just makes him essentially a step up from background character

Yet people deadass have the nerve to say Kaito has the most favoritism, bitch where lol

Extremely unsatisfying to watch someone who's been an established threat for the ENTIRE show not be able to dismantle the last standing figure in their life who’s been a source of great pain to them and someone who has never dueled up until this point at that! And not only does he NOT get to take the dub, it's literally his second last duel in the entire show and while the last duel is INCREDIBLE, making this a moment of glory for the protags is weird!

Idk, I stand firmly that this part is unwatchable, just a very badly done way to backseat Kaito to shift the focus onto the original duo, and that in theory is cool, but there are so many better ways to do it

But shonen isn't shonen without some dramatic hero comeback

Shonen is such a love/hate relationship

[kishimotomasashi]

Madara for the compilation hc game!!

headcanon compilation ask

Thank you for enabling me. This is under a cut because it's just a long enough for it to be annoying to scroll past on the dashboard.

• a lesson they learned in their childhood:

This isn't exactly a good lesson, but he learned very early on that most responsibility should rest on him, and that his own judgement takes precedence over all else. This is because:

- his incredible talent as a child often put him on the frontlines of important missions: he's got "I'm the best -> I'm going to be the best" drilled in his head already, and so, the natural result of that is that he should always succeed, that he's got the power to ensure nothing bad happens to his fellow clan members and, more importantly, his direct family. Right?

- wrong. And the failure feels deeply, deeply personal to him. Because he's supposed to be The One capable of preventing this, he's supposed to be The Reliable person, and when he isn't he's stuck in a guilt spiral

- And like, along with with that, he still does have a superiority complex (which is kind of hard to challenge when you've been killing grown-ups twice your size at age 12 and your only living rival is the second-coming of ninja God) so the conclusion most normal people would have when everything falls apart because they only two hands and can't be everywhere at once— which is that they need help, and to rely on others— never exactly comes to him! Instead he's compensating by growing stronger (bc strength and power are reliable) and becoming "more observant" (according to him... though he's actually just becoming more cautious and closed off, lol).

- It's not that he never listens to advice ever or doesn't have people doing the planning for him, it's just that whenever Madara has a gut feeling... well, everyone should do best to follow Madara's gut feeling, since he's definitely right about this, and if he is right about it and nobody does it it's still his fault if everything goes wrong (bc he should've pushed harder for it) but also if he's wrong and everyone fucks up it's... his fault if it goes wrong (bc he should've been able to prevent it)*

- This is the mentality that will have you living out the rest of your days in a cave, basically.

• a reason they have for getting out of bed each morning:

Pre-meeting Hashirama:

- Hanging out/training with his siblings! Succeeding at a mission and getting satisfaction from it. Hanging around the falconers and their birds.

After he met Hashirama:

- Take a wild guess

Post first breakup:

- Knowing he has to lead his clan to victory no matter what

- Knowing he has to keep Izuna safe and alive no matter what

Post Uchiha-Senju alliance and Konoha being formed:

- Hanging out with Hashirama every now and then

- Going to the aviary every now and then

• a fear:

Being powerless. It'd be stripping something he feels largely defines him, and allows him to shield others. He's lost a lot of people through perceived powerlessness after all.

• a strength:

Love. Those fleeting moments where he genuinely acts like a kind person.

• how they think others perceive them:

It's not exactly a secret to him that he's not very well-liked; he knows his clan thinks he's incompetent, untrustworthy, too much of a warmonger, bound to lead them to their destruction, etc. They don't exactly hide it from him.

As for the specific and personal, he's got the general sense that Izuna looks up to him, trusts him, but also gets frustrated with him. He knows Tobirama does not like him and he doesn't care bc he hates his guts, lol. He...wants Hashirama to have a special attention given to him, and he actually does have it if you asked Hashirama himself, but Madara has doubts given that Hashirama does have Other Shit To Do (building the village and all) and also there was a period before Madara's proper defection in which they weren't talking to each other properly which heightened that impression.

• how they perceive themselves:

Again, Madara thinks he is The One Who Has To Do Everything, or at the very least the only one who can do anything properly. Do I think he has a little bit of self-awareness on it? Yes. Is he gonna do anything about it? No, bc he has control issues and trying to loosen up is a terrifying concept, and THAT is something he will NEVER admit.

• whether or not they consider themselves a ‘decent’ person:

Lol, no. He's not that far up his own ass. He thinks what he's doing will eventually lead to good, not that he himself morally upstanding, you get me?

• a temptation / proclivity they have:

Drama. He is DRAMATIC, he is a PERFORMANCE ARTIST, he will personnally mow down your entire army and make sure it looks sufficiently cool and intimidating while he's doing it. Which is because he likes flexing his muscles, but the result always ends up pretty showy.

• an alternate career to what they have in canon (if applicable):

I think he would be happier if he spent the rest of his life raising birds and put the scythe and the gunbai down.

Also this is just for my benefit personnally, but he could also be a model for gloves bc it's MY Tumblr and it's my god-given right to sexualize that old man.

• how they waste time:

Either stewing in his own thoughts and souring his own mood as a result of it, or setting things on fire.

*: this doesn't mean he never blames anyone else for anything, though. Like yes there's the "I could have prevented it" part but he is still gonna blame the person who stabbed his brother for being the one to actually stab his brother for example, lol. He both gets mad at people making decisions AND at himself bc he could've had a hand in preventing the consequences of them.

[s0lverr]

I love them sm also first post <3

Not the best bc it’s like past midnight

…

Tango sighed as he,once again,failed to perfect his redstone machine for gobland king that had hired him a few weeks prior when himself and the rest of the hermits had first ended up in his world known as Empires SMP however it really wasn’t their fault,or it was mainly Grian’s fault as he was the one that made the majority of the Hermitcraft members go through the large portal in his base or otherwise called the rift which was a very a ominous name but they didn’t comment on it

The nether blaze was very deep in his thoughts so he didn’t hear the door behind him open which caused a a small creak as it scrapped against the floor,the wide open door revealed the sheriff of Tumble Town,he was also known as Jimmy and was the taller ones soulmate back in double life but unfortunately they were the first duo to die meaning they were the ones to lose but that didn’t matter,they only cared that they had lost each other but now they had each other once again

Jimmy watched the blue blaze pace back and forth causing a small sigh to escape his lips as he walked forward,the large yellow wings on his back were tucked neatly behind his back,sometimes slightly hitting the large sheriff hat that laid ontop the messy blonde hair “Tango?” He quietly spoke,not wanting the other to lash out like he had done previously to some others when his redstone wasn’t going right,that caused the other to turn around quickly and his expression to soften as he saw the canary

“Jimmy,hi” he muttered,speeding over and wrapping his toned and muscular arms around the slightly shorters waist who in response quietly chuckled before running his king fingers through the redstoners hair,causing his hands to become incredibly hot very fast however he was used to it,after all the used to be together every second of the day so he would’ve had to get used to the heat always emanating from his partner

It was quiet for another minute or two before the blonde spoke up once again “What’s up,rancher?” Of course the answer was obvious however he wanted Tango to tell him,as the other looked down at him a soft smile replaced the small frown on his face before he nuzzled his head into the shorters neck “Redstone.” Tango simply explained before his hold tighter causing a small gasp to escape the others throat,wings slightly opening before speaking once again “Okay,let’s go home shall we? I’m sure Fwhip will understand” the sherrif tried his best to keep the clear distaste in his tone hidden but it was merely impossible,he at the moment wasn’t the biggest fan of his soulmates ‘boss’

A small nod could be felt causing him too smile before slowly separating himself from the other,grabbing his gloved hand before turning around and almost speeding out the gobland as he personally didn’t want to spend another second in the underground empire with the potential thought of that they could run into the ex-deputy who teased and annoyed the sheriff any second he could which is one of the reasons he was fired.Eventually the two made it to the nether portal and out safely,now back in the home of the blonde canary

The two of them flew down the large cliff before ending up at the new and improved ranch made specifically for the blaze after saying he would stay in Tumble Town which caused only pure happiness through both bodies,the only thing missing from it was all the animals but that was nearly as important as each other,both quickly climbing up the ladder to the small bedroom with quite a large bed with red covers as it was still Tangos favourite colour.Both ranchers laid on the bed,cussing close to each wither with Tango at the back,face buried in the others neck while playing with Jimmys wings with one hand with Jimmy played with the slightly redstone dust covered hands as they had a thin layer of red

They coughed happier but they always enjoyed these moments with pure silence and just the two of them alone in the safety and comfort of their ranch made them forget about the rest of the world until someone came knocking at the door which was usually Scar or Fwhip but they would worry about that later in the morning,for now the sound of the other breathing and a very quiet heartbeat made them happy.

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

back on here entirely so i can scream into a void where i feel like nobody can hear bc nobody looks at these that i know personally

i rlly think. that its like ... absolute bullshit that like. i feel like every single person i have ever dated (bar exactly one) has come at me with bad faith assumptions

like. im SO aware that this breakup was nobody's fault and also both of our faults, but it's just. SO insanely frustrating to be seen as the bad person 24/7. like, yes, i did things wrong in this relationship. but i was NOT the only person who made mistakes and it's just like.... somewhat infuriating to not feel heard out

like ... i'm not going to say anything here that could link back identity-wise to who i dated, because the person doesn't deserve that and i sincerely hope the best for said person moving forward.

HOWEVER. venting time! bc i have zero friends i can vent to in private so my nonexistent followers on tumblr get to hear abt it

i think the biggest reason the breakup exactly happened is just straight up miscommunication and mental health conflicts. like ... our first argument was because there was a communication conflict, where i was blind-sided by them bringing up directly that they had an issue with how i was behaving, and due to how my apology was worded, they reacted in bad faith. we both ended up apologizing, and agreed that i needed to be more forthcoming with inviting him to do things with me, and he had to communicate clearer.

i did my best to uphold my part of the agreement we made after our talk, and when i tried three different times to spend actual quality time with him, very directly asking if he still wanted to do it and doing my best to be understanding when he kept brushing me off, even though i was incredibly upset about it. he promised me that he'd do it with me, and then never brought it up again, not even to apologize for not being able to follow through. which made me get a bit resentful, probably also due to my own ptsd making me particularly sensitive about the entire thing. so i decided to drop it until he brought it up first, which i'm fully aware is petty and i should've just SAID something, but tbh i just. that singular moment kinda broke my trust in him to a point. the most frustrating thing to me is that it is not his fault in any way, he'd been going through a HELL of a difficult time, which made me feel like my own issues severely paled in comparison and made me want to just ... wait out my own emotions until i felt better.

in combination with his in-built way of communicating not being one i understand whatsoever, as he is very subtle and passive in communication - which i don't pick up, as i mentioned during the initial argument we had, as i need DIRECT comments instead of like... testing the waters type talking. it's why i don't understand flirting whatsoever in a majority of cases, it's WAY too subtle for me to understand. which again, isn't his fault, but he literally said that he'd try to communicate clearer after the argument. and then didn't. which is again, another thing where i'm like. i understand, it can be really difficult when you aren't used to doing it, but it's just ... frustrating. and i feel like i sound really defensive because like. i am also VERY used to people just straight up manipulating me or talking circles around me in that annoying as hell subtle passive way and then claiming i'm the one in the wrong when everything would be solved if they just. actually told me directly that they need something from me. instead of constantly HINTING at wanting or hoping they get something.

so as a result, he ends up feeling like he's communicating and not getting any response from me, and i end up feeling like he isn't communicating whatsoever and get blind-sided when he gets upset enough to be blunt.

tbh i'm also still like ... ???????????? about how the entire break-up happened, because it's like ... ????

i posted on the current social media that i am active on that i was having a psychotic episode (which i may or may not still be having, who knows. it sure does do a fantastic job of ruining my relationships everytime i have one) and was like. generally using a light-hearted "haha wow this sucks lol can't wait for business as usual to happen once i feel better"

and then slept all day bc my hives got dramatically worse as of recently (probably due to stress + the like) bc my hives being super bad (which. yaaaaaaaaaaaay more prednisone to fix me .... and a change in antihistamines) so i just . get sleepy. because that's what happens when i'm sick. i sleep

and apparently he jumped to conclusions??? and got worried that i was dead because i hadn't been online after making a post about having a psychotic episode???????? which i'm like. fair, considering his issues, but also *where on earth did that assumption come from?*

like.... a) my psychosis isn't the violent type, and i'm very careful to keep myself away from sharp objects if i get even the INKLING of self-harm thoughts, and have never self-harmed or harmed anyone else or anything more severe EVER in the first place

and b) ??????????????????? why are you immediately assuming that my psychosis is the violent kind????????????? like ... ??????

like yes, i know he's like. dealing with his own issues in his personal life and mental health but also . //////?????????...........?????????????????????????????? where on earth did that come from .....

tbh i'm also think i'm just like. upset about how combative he was for the breakup also :) like literally saying that "even my *therapist* said we should break up" as if my own therapist literally didn't allude to the exact same thing ... though ig he's never gonna know about that considering yknow. blocking me directly after breaking up with me (which yknow what. fair. i've done the same thing. still annoying tho)

and to a point during all of this i'm like ............ i am VERY aware that i should be feeling like. worse for him during all of this. but like my empathy is so low rn that i just. physically cannot. i was already doing my best with like . not getting upset at him in the first place bc i didn't want to add to the stress he was going through. and isolating myself so that i didn't snap at anyone bc i'm still being INCREDIBLY irritable (if you cant tell lol)

idk i guess i'm just like. neither of us were in the right in this relationship, and perhaps i am simply having ptsd in the sense of "why the fuck am i being villainized when i wasn't the only one in the wrong here". or perhaps i'm simply insane and trying to make myself excuses like how he claimed me explaining myself during the argument was an excuse. who knows

[likeshipsonthesea]

mianmian gets to the lan sect lectures, discovers very quickly that every one of her peers has decided to use this time to figure out how quickly they can get into bed with someone of the opposite sex, and decides almost immediately that she has to pick a suitably unattainable guy to have a crush on.

the thing is, mianmian is lanling jin’s head disciple. she is capable, intelligent, and very very gay. the last of these things she isn’t exactly keen on telling people yet for a variety of reasons up to and including jin zixuan will be so awkward and stubbornly supportive about it and she doesn’t know how to deal with that yet

so when her friends giggle over the other young masters and finally turn to mianmian-- who’s trying to memorize at least some of the fifty-thousand rules before their quiz tomorrow--and they ask her, “who do you like, mianmian?” she says the name that she carefully picked out of a handful of options.

“lan-er-gongzi,” she says, without looking up from her textbook, and she assumes that will be the end of it. 

lan wangji is both incredibly attractive and unrelentingly resistant to all attempts to flirt with him. she, like half the other female cultivators, can moon over him (or pretend to moon over him) all they want and nothing will come of it. it’s perfect. she’s a genius. the worst she’ll have to do now is pretend to be infatuated with him when her friends start gossiping. it’s fool proof.

spoiler: it’s not

it’s not, no, because her friends are horrible and immediately start gossiping about it to everyone, and usually mianmian wouldn’t care but then jin zixuan finds out. jin zixuan, whose marriage complex is being brought to center stage with the forced proximity to his bride-to-be. jin zixuan, who for some reason decided he has to live his stolen crush-addled youth vicariously through his only real friend that isn’t related to him. jin zixuan, who for some godforsaken reason takes it upon himself to contrive situations for mianmian and lan wangji to be alone together incessantly.

it unfortunately takes mianmian longer than she would like to figure out what’s happening. she’d give herself a break for it-- she was being responsible and studying, thank you very much-- but she doesn’t have much sympathy for her own stupidity seeing as she’s currently locked in a section of the lan library with the second jade of lan

and suddenly, suddenly she’s just so fucking tired. of studying, yeah, the tests here are brutal and there’s no one to bribe to make sure she doesn’t lose points on stupid things, but also tired of lying to the people she loves and tired of training this hard and being an amazing cultivator only for people to care more about her eventual marriage-- to a man of all things!-- and also, let’s be real here, she’s been in lectures with beautiful capable intelligent women for like months and she’s losing her gay ass mind

and so maybe, possibly, as she’s locked in a library with a clearly confused and annoyed second jade of lan she kind of, momentarily, loses it and rants all of this at his steadily widening eyes

at the end of it, she realizes with no small amount of panic that she’s just confessed not only her attraction to women but the fact that she’s been letting wen qing’s ears of all things distract her from her studies. if anything, she’s sure lan wangji will fault her for inattention

but the second jade of lan, after a drawn-out moment filled only with mianmian’s labored breathing and rising panic, simply says, “i understand.”

mianmian stops. she squints. she tilts her head. she squints some more. lan wangji’s ears go pink and just like that she realizes -- “you’re a cut-sleeve.”

lan wangji’s ears go even pinker. he doesn’t nod, or agree, or outwardly react in any way, but mianmian is a capable, intelligent cultivator, and she’s sure of it.

mianmian sighs with a relief she didn’t know she could feel. “thank the gods.”

lan wangji doesn’t seem to know what to make of this response, or mianmian’s increasingly frequent trips to the library following their conversation, or mianmian’s staunch determination to befriend the guy, but that’s alright. mianmian is old hat at befriending awkward sect heirs by this point.

it’s not like lan wangji expressed any desire for her friendship, but the prospect of not being the only one with absolutely no interest in the straight shenanigans happening at gusu lan summer camp is enough to let mianmian ignore his obvious confusion. lan wangji is a great listener and only sometimes blushes when mianmian waxes poetic about the beautiful women she’s forced to surround herself with every day

“no but you don’t understand,” mianmian insists, alone in the library with lan wangji, “jiang-guniang asked me to help her with a sword form. i put my hands on her waist. i said something idiotic bc she was so pretty and right there and then she laughed. lan wangji. i’m in love.”

“yesterday you were in love with wen-guniang,” lan wangji says as he impassively turns a page in his book. “has this changed?”

“no, i’m in love with both of them. all of them. lan wangji. they’re all so pretty all the time. it’s horrible.”

lan wangji presses his lips into a firmer line, which mianmian’s come to understand means he’s repressing a smile. “i’m sorry to hear it brings luo-guniang such trouble.”

mianmian groans, fairly undignified, but that’s a lost cause with lan wangji at this point anyway. “i swear, if jin zixuan says one more bad thing about her i’m going to punch him and marry her myself.”

lan wangji says, “mn,” which mianmian takes to mean that he supports her in this line of thinking, which she finds both quite sweet and ridiculously funny.

grinning, she teases, “lan-er-gongzi, if i do end up marrying jiang-guniang, will you bear witness to our elopement?”

lan wangji’s lips press again, this time in the way that means he’s repressing a frown. “jiang-guniang’s brothers wouldn’t allow for an elopement,” he says.

mianmian huffs. “as if yunmeng or lanling will deign to host our wedding.”

lan wangji appears to ponder this for a moment before he says, “gusu will host it,” and it’s at that moment that mianmian realizes she’s actually gone and fucking befriended the second jade of lan.

what is her life.

of course, it’s not long after that that she goes to find jin zixuan and explain that she can’t make their weekly sparring match today because she has plans with lan wangji (jiang yanli tenderly brushed some of mianmian’s hair away from her forehead while they were working on sword forms and if mianmian doesn’t tell someone about it she’s literally going to explode) and she’s trying to be as polite as possible only for jin zixuan to scoff and pout (”i don’t pout”) and say, “i never took you for one of those women who throw themselves so wantonly at a man”

it’s only for having been friends with this absolutely horrible communicator for most of her life that she doesn’t immediately punch him in the face. “what did you just say to me,” she demands, but jin zixuan just sets his jaw and looks away, flushing down his neck in the way his mother describes as unbecoming and--

and mianmian suddenly realizes that her ridiculous best friend is jealous of lan wangji. 

(in a friend way, of course, he’s like her brother, the one time his mother implied that he ought not get too close to women in case it jeopardizes his betrothal to jiang yanli, he insisted he didn’t have any female friends repeatedly as his mother delicately danced around outright saying mianmian’s name until finally she broke and jin zixuan was basically like huh?? mianmian doesn’t count?? she made me eat dirt like six times when we were kids)

the sheer ridiculousness of jin zixuan, to set her up with a guy and then get jealous when she spends all her time with him

and fuck her, but she loves her stupid awkward ridiculous sect heir best friend and she doesn’t want him to think she’s gone and left him for someone else (gods know jin zixuan’s loyalty complex rivals his marriage one (on second thought the two might be connected)) and so, after making a few quick decisions, mianmian grabs her stupid best friend by the wrist and pulls him to the library

he protests all the way there, but he’s been letting her drag him wherever she wants since they were five and it isn’t as if he’s going to break the pattern now. she drags him to the library and sits him down across a startled lan wangji and then finally breaks and gushes about jiang-guniang’s fingertips brushing her forehead and doesn’t look at jin zixuan once the whole time

lan wangji, on the other hand, sends jin zixuan frequent glances, as if worried on mianmian’s behalf, which is super sweet and also how the fuck did mianmian get two awkward sect heirs to care about her platonically wtf. she spares a thought for her poor auntie, who would’ve loved to have a sect heir care about her niece in much less platonic ways.

at the end of mianmian’s rant, jin zixuan is blinking quite a lot. “you like women?” he asks. he’s always been a bit slow on the uptake. mianmian nods. “you like jiang-guniang?”

mianmian shrugs. “more or less. she’s just really pretty and i’m dying about it. it’s fine.”

lan wangji says, “mn,” sympathetically and jin zixuan continues to gape.

mianmian winces. “you’re not going to be weird about this, are you?”

jin zixuan shakes his head quickly. “no, no-- of course not, i--you know that i--you’re my best friend, i don’t care--what does it matter to me, who you want to--to touch your hair.”

it’s probably the most awkward sentence he’s said to her in years, but possibly more articulate than she’d been expecting. it makes her tear up regardless and she punches him in the shoulder to hide it, and that’s basically how the three of them start hanging out in the library nearly every day after lecture.

sometimes they go to the sparring ground, bc who’s better sparring practice than the second jade of lan? and sometimes (once or twice) mianmian manages to convince lan wangji to join her and jin zixuan for lunch in caiyi town when they don’t have lecture, but mostly they meet in a secluded part of the library where mianmian can rant about how pretty all the women at lectures are, jin zixuan can turn pink whenever she mentions jiang-guniang, and lan wangji can “mn” and nod sympathetically at all the right parts

and mianmian thinks that’s going to be the end of it, they’re just going to be friends now and everything else will move on as usual, bc by some ridiculous trick of fate lan wangji and jin zixuan seem to like each other. which makes sense in hindsight bc they’re both awkward sect heirs who care about cultivation and people a lot even if they’re not great at showing it 

(and he’d never say it but mianmian thinks jin zixuan’s easy acceptance of her liking women is probably the first time lan wangji’s ever seen someone accept that kind of thing before (maybe, possibly, other than his brother, lan xichen seems really cool, even if he does smile kind of intensely at mianmian whenever he happens upon her hanging out with his little brother.))

so they’re friends, they’re unexpected friends, and sometimes lan wangji even makes jokes in that dry deadpan way of his and sometimes jin zixuan doesn’t completely trip over his own words and manages to act like a normal human being and mianmian gets two idiots to care about and a perfect place to vent her womanly frustrations, and she thinks that’s the end of it and then wei wuxian accosts her after lectures one day

“do you like lan zhan?” he asks accusingly, eyes narrowed to slits. “what am i even asking, of course you like lan zhan, but do you like-like him?”

mianmian thinks sadly to herself that she’s much too into women to be dealing with all these men’s emotional problems. “lan wangji is my friend,” she says, carefully sidestepping wei wuxian, who continues to squint at her suspiciously. really, he’d been amusing when he flirted with her, but this? this is just ridiculous.

“does he know that?” wei wuxian asks. “because if he doesn’t, that’s just leading him on, and it’s really not nice to--”

“lan wangji knows we’re friends,” she says, trying to enunciate to get her point across clearly. “you can ask him, if you don’t believe me.”

wei wuxian squints a moment longer before he turns and flounces off. mianmian thinks this is the end of it until she’s accosted again after dinner with, “he said you were friends!”

for some reason, wei wuxian seems even more troubled by this than earlier. mianmian tries to suppress her eyeroll. “i told you he would?”

“but how,” wei wuxian says, suddenly whining. “i’ve been trying to be his friend for months and he refuses to acknowledge me.”

oh, mianmian realizes with a quickly dawning horror. she and lan wangji are not the only cut-sleeves at cloud recesses this summer. (she has suspicions, of course, but no confirmations on any of the others, but this. wow.)

she also realizes, decides really, that she has enough repressed sect heirs in her life and she cannot deal with wei wuxian’s cut-sleeve crisis or his evidently large attachment to lan wangji right now. she turns decisively and walks the fuck away. not her problem.

the lectures end eventually, of course, and mianmian and jin zixuan return to lanling with a horde of golden robed disciples, freshly deflowered and not all together more learned. it’s what, she thinks grimly, their sect leader would want.

the first few weeks go by and she realizes that she’s missed unloading about her frequent and fast falling-in-loves. jin zixuan just doesn’t sympathize right, bless him, and so mianmian takes to writing letters. she sends two without receiving a reply and just starts to write the third when a letter with the gusu symbol is delivered to her room.

she’s almost expecting to find a single mn written on the page-- she would’ve been delighted with just that, actually, the sheer hilarity of such a thing-- but instead she finds several pages filled with lan wangji’s perfect calligraphy.

it’s more than he’s ever spoken out loud, but it seems that propriety dictated that he return mianmian’s extensive letter with one of his own and he’s done so admirably. he responds to the events mianmian detailed in her letters-- most succinctly summarized as, woman are gorgeous and i’m dying-- and then writes about his own life in cloud recesses. apparently, he went on a little night hunt with wei wuxian and also nie huaisang and jiang cheng were involved? seriously, mianmian misses out on all the fun.

he’s also apparently taken in some rabbits, which mianmian immediately decides she needs to see. lan wangji, sitting prim and proper, with a bunch of rabbits in his lap? amazing. wei wuxian would die on sight, she’s sure of it.

he also ends his letter with a warning about qishan wen that has mianmian frowning. she takes it to jin zixuan who reads the paragraph and frowns. “i’ll talk to my father about it,” he says, which she can tell by his hunched shoulders he doesn’t expect to do much.

“talk to your father’s general too,” she suggests, because that man at least thinks with his head and not his dick.

jin zixuan nods but doesn’t hand back the letter. he skims it instead with a barely concealed surprise at lan wangji’s previously hidden expansive vocabulary. mianmian snorts and grabs the letter back. “you can write to him yourself, you know.”

jin zixuan flushes down his neck. “i know!” he insists and then turns and runs away because he’s a coward. mianmian shakes her head, smiling. what an idiot.

still, another week goes by and a letter arrives from gusu and, when mianmian takes it, assuming it’s for her, she finds it addressed to jin zixuan in lan wangji’s impeccable calligraphy and she grins to herself like an idiot. look at jin zixuan, making friends

(she suddenly understands why lan xichen gave her all those intense smiles during the lan lectures)

they go on in this way, writing letters to lan wangji from lanling. sometimes mianmian steals jin zixuan’s letters before he sends them so she can squeeze in some ranting in the post script without wasting a whole second thing of paper, and lan wangji replies dutifully, more verbose than he ever was in person, and it’s nice okay, like. she and jin zixuan have been best friends since they were kids but neither of them has ever been any good at listening and lan wangji is just so honest and earnest in everything, like they didn’t realize that people outside of lanling were actually not always plotting your downfall??? who woulda thunk

and then of course the wens go and ruin everything. they go to the wen lectures bc jin guangshan doesn’t want to “anger our trading partner” like the guy isn’t obviously going to burn carp tower to the ground the first chance he gets, and mostly mianmian and jin zixuan are just vaguely annoyed and put out about it

then lan wangji shows up with a broken leg and a burned sect and they are ready to murder some dudes

after years of breaking in and out of carp tower she and jin zixuan are old hats at this breaking and entering stuff and they manage to sneak into lan wangji’s guest quarters and tend to his wounds, ignoring all his silent glares and ranting furiously about how they’re going to murder wen chao by making him choke on his own dick (mianmian) and how they’re going to war with the wen sect even if he has to threaten his father with acknowledging all of his bastards as proper siblings in public to do it (jin zixuan)

lan wangji just says “mn” and makes various muted, distressed expressions, but mianmian thinks he’s touched.

“are your brother and uncle alright?” she asks, when she’s set his broken leg and forced pain medication down his throat.

“brother escaped with our sacred texts,” lan wangji says. “uncle is... unwell.”

mianmian knows lan wangji hates touch but the way he says it, with this horrible little frown, emoting more than she’s ever seen him, his barely suppressed anger and grief literally making his hands shake into fists, mianmian can’t help it, she hugs him. “we’ll make them pay,” she swears into his shoulder, ruining the lines of his robes with how she clutches at them. “i promise you.”

jin zixuan awkwardly pats lan wangji’s shoulder, which is a lot for him and mianmian spares a moment to be proud of his growth.

unfortunately, wen chao seems to delight in torturing lan wangji on his injured leg and lan wangji refuses to show weakness, which both impresses mianmian and pisses her the fuck off. she approaches wen qing (and her still gorgeous ears, sigh) and asks her to tend to lan wangji, since she’s like actually a doctor. wen qing does bc she’s beautiful, intelligent, and kind and mianmian spends most of that night sighing deeply as she relates this to a significantly drugged lan wangji

the cave of the xuanwu goes about the same as you’d expect. wei wuxian saving her from getting her face branded off is pretty rad of him, though he could’ve just like knocked the brand away instead of throwing himself in front of it but whatever, you do you boo. when lan wangji gets left behind the two of them don’t even have to wait for jiang cheng to grumble and ask for their help, they’re already on their way to carp tower for an army, thank you very much

when they rescue wei wuxian and lan wangji and lan wangji immediately turns to walk back to cloud recesses on a broken leg mianmian says, “fuck no, that’s not happening, you’re getting medical attention and then someone will fly you back home, okay, wtf wangji, sit down.”

and lan wangji is a stubborn bitch so obvs he’s like no but he’s also severely starved, dehydrated, and injured, so it’s not like he can just shake off mianmian holding him down and this goes on long enough for wei wuxian to wake up and see mianmian touching lan wangji, and something in his poor little brain just like breaks and he demands says, “lan zhan, come back to lotus pier with us.”

his argument, as he explains it, is that lotus pier is closer (it’s not; they’re just as close to carp tower as lotus pier) and that it’s closer to gusu for when lan wangji has to return home (it’s not; same deal) but then jiang cheng starts yelling, possibly in support possibly not mianmian’s not sure, and jin zixuan starts getting awkward, probably about the whole golden army behind him bc he’s a nerd and hates being overdressed at functions (this is basically the same thing), and mianmian looks at lan wangji and she sees--

something. she isn’t sure what exactly, but lan wangji looks at wei wuxian as he argues with his brother and he presses his lips into a thin line in the way that means he wants to smile and mianmian thinks, oh. maybe wei wuxian isn’t completely unrequited in his lan wangji obsession.

growing up in lanling, she knows how to use information to her advantage, so she immediately says, “young masters wei and jiang, what a great idea. lanling’s disciples would be pleased to accompany you and second young master lan to lotus pier to ensure everyone’s safe arrival.”

everyone splutters, indignant, confused, awkward (jiang cheng, wei wuxian, and jin zixuan, respectively) but lan wangji narrows his eyes at mianmian and doesn’t try to convince her to let him walk to gusu again, so she counts it as a win.

sect leader jiang and his wife seem surprised and annoyed, respectively, to be taking in so many guests, but sect leader jiang merely smiles pleasantly and directs them to some guest quarters and mianmian and wei wuxian ask, simultaneously, for doctors to tend to lan wangji and wei wuxian makes a face at her and mianmian sighs to herself that she really is too gay to be in the middle of his thing with lan wangji.

turns out, walking a lot and fighting a cannibalistic turtle on a broken leg doesn’t do wonders for healing. lan wangji is also the worst patient ever, he keeps trying to sneak out and get up even though word came from his brother that he’s safe and alright and that cloud recesses is starting to rebuild after qinghe nie and lanling jin came to its aid and pushed out the wen

but with the combined efforts of mianmian, jin zixuan, and wei wuxian (and even jiang yanli at one point, bc who could say no to her soup??) they manage to get lan wangji to just rest for a fucking second, really which results in the jin disciples and lan wangji staying in lotus pier for longer than anyone could’ve expected

mianmian spends most of her time (when she isn’t forcing lan wangji to just fucking stay in bed) working with the jiang disciples, practicing archery, sword forms, and mooning after all the beautiful women here.

(”lan wangji, i know she’s scary, but have you seen madam yu? she could whip me with zidian and i’d thank her” “luo-guniang, please don’t ask madam yu to whip you” OR “lan wangji, i’m almost positive madam yu’s maids are a thing, do you think they’d let me join them just like once” “luo-guniang, could you please pass me my sword?” “why” “i’d like to put myself out of this misery” OR “she made me soup. lan wangji. lan wangji, i know you’re not sleeping, wake up, you have to listen to me, this soup”)

they end up staying so long that when wang lingjiao shows up threatening a child about a kite while sect leader jiang is away, she has a lot more to deal with than madam yu. since none of this had been a “sanctioned visit” no one actually knew that there was nearly an entire troop of jin disciples staying at lotus pier, so when the wens attack they are sorely unprepared for what they’re going to face.

(and ofc lan wangji breaks out of bed heroically and keeps madam yu from whipping wei wuxian, which means they aren’t down one of their most powerful fighters and mianmian has to suffer through the moon eyes they’re making at one another in the middle of a battle no less, she knew wei wuxian had no shame but she’d been hoping lan wangji would have some)

after the wen attack (and defeat) on lotus pier and the jin’s inarguable part in it, the war starts in earnest. lan wangji, after his long rest, heals fine and goes back to gusu to help rebuild his sect and plan for war, and mianmian and jin zixuan return to carp tower to plan as well, ignoring jin guangshan and focusing instead on his general to ensure lanling supplies necessary aid in the war effort

and war is always shitty, of course, and mianmian hates watching her sect family die on the battlefield, hates waiting for updates after every battle to see who’s still alive, hates the politics and jin guangshan trying to wheedle his way out of fighting when there’s fucking lives on the line

(and she could never know, how much easier it is, with yunmeng jiang at its full strength, with one of the brightest minds of their generation there to plot and help, with two of the best fighters not out searching for someone and instead focused on the front)

they reach nightless city after months of fighting and mianmian is ready to just fucking stab wen ruohan herself when they’re suddenly trapped. blocked in on all sides by puppets, their fallen soldiers rising again to turn on them, and it--it looks like they’re gonna die.

“this sucks,” she says to lan wangji, stifling her fear and choking it down. “i never even got to kiss a girl.”

lan wangji just says “mn.”

jin zixuan, beside them, says, “i was an idiot about jiang-guniang.”

lan wangji just says, “mn.”

then wei wuxian pulls out a fucking flute and a-- floating piece of metal?  the army of puppets and corpses stops advancing, held in place by-- music, apparently? and wen ruohan emerges from his lair, black energy falling off him in waves, wei wuxian the idiot flies forward to meet him, gets wen ruohan’s hand around his throat for his trouble.

lan wangji yells, “wei ying!” and mianmian thinks, really not fair that lan wangji is gonna get a boyfriend before i get a girlfriend

and then wen ruohan gets stabbed by jin zixuan’s half brother of all people. wen ruohan, along with his puppets and wei wuxian, fall to the ground. lan wangji rushes forward to catch wei wuxian, mianmian runs after him, finds herself in company with jin zixuan and jiang cheng. when they get there, wei wuxian is barely conscious but he’s-- he’s fucking grinning up at lan wangji from the cradle of lan wangji’s arms

“lan zhan,” he says, “you caught me.”

lan wangji nods, says, “mn,” which is basically his equivalent of i’ll always catch you, wei ying.

“really,” mianmian says aloud, “it’s so unfair.”

the aftermath of the war is more annoying than the war itself, what with all the politics and in-fighting and jin guangshan trying to be the biggest dick there ever was. jin guangshan tries to name himself chief cultivator in wen ruohan’s stead but nie mingjue suggests jiang fengmian instead and the lan sect backs him. jin guangshan tries to demonize the wens but at wei wuxian’s loud rebuttal and sect leader jiang’s backing (which is then backed by both gusu lan and qinghe nie) he’s once again shouted down. and then jin guangshan tries to propose to jiang-guniang for his son and the poor woman just seems so awkward and her father doesn’t seem to know what to say and--

mianmian elbows jin zixuan whose eyes widen ridiculously but, after another, harder hit, he suddenly stands. all eyes go to him, which mianmian knows he hates, but he bows to his father, then jiang yanli, and says, “jiang-guniang, forgive my father’s impertinence. this is not the time or place to be making such an offer, but he--” jin zixuan winces visibly. “--he knows of my feelings and wishes to make his foolish son happy. please, do not feel the need to respond.”

then he promptly sits down, flushing down to his neck, and mianmian shares a disbelieving glance with lan wangji from across the horrible nightless city palace room.

she’d really only meant for him to suggest jiang yanli answer privately, at a later time, but wow, jin zixuan really went for it. also no way jin guangshan knows his son has fallen in love with jiang yanli, so nice save face there. maybe he has been paying attention in all of their etiquette and political espionage classes.

jiang yanli flushes way prettier than jin zixuan and nods politely, stands and bows and thanks the jin clan for being considerate in this time of turmoil, perhaps they can discuss this matter at a later date (jin zixuan looks like he nearly faints at this, and mianmian feels vindicated in all her forlorn ranting. overreacting her ass)

when everything has been settled, wen qing has been appointed the new sect leader of qishan wen with promises to return land to those who lost it and pay reparations to the hurt civilians, as well as have the yin iron destroyed for good. during the final ceremony where all the sects have tea and pledge to be loyal to one another (until the next great war, of course) mianmian leans close to lan wangji and sighs, “her ears look even lovelier with her hair tied back by her new sect leader hairpiece.”

lan wangji says “mn” because he’s a cut sleeve in love with wei wuxian and has nothing even closely resembling taste.

mianmian, on her own, decides to make them both happy. before the jin clan departs from nightless city, she goes up to wei wuxian and asks for a moment of his time. wei wuxian seems confused but follows and, once they’re alone, he says, “mianmian, are you about to get me into bed, because i must tell you that i am a respectable young cultivator and you’ll need to marry me before--”

mianmian gives him her best unimpressed look (she’s had much practice with it, thank you jin zixuan) and cuts him off with, “i like women.” 

wei wuxian’s eyes go wide. “but you and lan zhan--”

she cuts him off again before he can say something so stupid she has to stop talking to him to refrain from breaking all laws of propriety. “look,” she says, “you’re friends with wen qing. now that she’s sect leader, your brother can’t go after her. i, on the other hand, very much can. if you promise to figure out a way for me and her to get close, i’ll tell you a secret you’ll like very much.”

wei wuxian seems hesitant for all of half a second before he breaks. “tell me.”

“do you promise?”

wei wuxian raises three fingers. “promise.”

“on your sister’s life?”

begrudgingly, wei wuxian nods.

“on her soup?”

“just get on with it!”

mianmian smirks, pushes onto her tiptoes, and whispers the secret into wei wuxian’s ear. with that, she returns to the pavilion where all the sects mingle as they wait to depart, wei wuxian trailing behind her in a daze, his mouth hanging open.

lan wangji, who had been watching since mianmian asked wei wuxian for a moment to talk, frowns nearly imperceptibly. mianmian grins at him and his frown grows.

ah, whatever. she walks over to him, unbothered by the quickly growing alarm in his eyes. once next to him, she turns around to see wei wuxian staring unabashedly. her smile only widens.

“you’re going to thank me for this,” she says.

wei wuxian shakes himself, his eyes focusing, and immediately starts walking towards them.

lan wangji, voice flat but wavering, asks, “luo-guniang, what did you do?”

mianmian laughs, says, “i get to give a speech at your wedding,” and walks away just as wei wuxian reaches them.

(she does, actually, give a speech at their wedding. she may or may not be drunk during it, jin zixuan gets embarrassed for her, and she starts tearing up and has to hide it in the shoulder of her wife’s lovely well-tailored robes. it’s alright, though, wen qing doesn’t mind)

EDIT: now on AO3 with a real fic version from lwj’s pov!

[catxsnow]

OBVIOUSLY UNOBVIOUS T.D.

Request: I have a request ! It's kinda angsty but what if tim and y/n work together(maybe your like second in comment at WE), and y/n knows his secret, y/n is also very strong(powers or not up to you ) and Tim manages to convince her to join the Titans.y/n likes him , and she can't help but be jealous of him and Cassandra's friendship.y/n tries not to like cass but fails Bc she's just that good of a friend 

Sorry it's a Tim request! Where Tim and y/n are unaware of their feelings for each other. So Tim asks cass to be touchy, more friendly, and y/n is unaffected but on the inside she's boiling , so she asks Bart to be extra flirty, and it's just one big hot mess. 

Request for Tim falling for the new member of the Titans , y/n the protege of green arrow/black canary , Tim bring mad protective/jealous every time Bart flirts with her, yn being oblivious as hell

Warning: fluff, mentions of blood, 

A/N: I combined three requests because they were all kinda simliar in the bart/cassie making reader jealous so I hope you don’t mind. 

Word Count: 4k

Joining the Teen Titans had not been your idea. At all.

Tim pestered you for months to join his silly little band of sidekicks. You met him not long after he 'saved' you from a night of patrol gone wrong. New to Gotham and not quite understanding just how much of a hell hole it was. Avoiding Batman was easier than you thought - but Robin? Not so much.

Robin was kind to you, unlike his mentor. He always had a boyish smile for you, some explanation of the new tech he got excited over, and he never questioned who you really were. You knew that he knew your entire identity, how could the great Batman let his sidekick cohort with an unnamed masked vigilante?

You found yourself seeking his company more than seeking criminals at night. It wasn't just having someone watch your back, it was even if you didn't know who was hiding under the mask you felt like you could trust him. Robin quickly became the one person you could constantly rely on.

Robin was somehow always there when you got yourself into a tight situation. Cornered by goons that outnumbered you by a landslide, an unexpected amount of hired guns at a drug bust, even when you stumbled upon higher up criminals did he managed to be there just in the nick of time.

The reliance became almost unhealthy. Any time you were stuck in a rut you told yourself he would be there, he would always be there. And then he wasn't. In the moments that you needed him most, he wouldn't show up at all. Bloody and bruised, you'd barely make it out alive because you believed that he would show up.

It was your own fault for putting faith in someone you didn't even know the name of. Batman and Robin had their own issues, their own battles to fight - they didn't always have the time for yours.

A freezing Saturday night Batman had found you barely breathing in a dark alley. Ganged up out of the blood, trauma to the head that left you dazed and barely able to fight. It was a small gang that you thought you had taken down months ago - turns out they were just hiding in the shadows and waiting to attack.

They left you half-dead in the alley, hoping that you would have learned your lesson to not mess with them again. Instead, it made you angry - furious at them, at yourself for messing up like this. Revenge was the only thing on your mind while you tried to push yourself up to move again.

Truth was, if it wasn't for Batman showing up, you weren't sure if you would have ever made it back home alive. He took you to the infamous batcave, tended to your wounds like his own sidekick. He was silent, just as he always was whenever he saw you and Robin together. The quiet made it painfully obvious that Robin wasn't there that night.

You woke up in the early hours of the morning, still in the cave and with an unfamiliar face at your side. Dark tufts of black hair that stuck up in every direction, sharp cheekbones that could barely be seen from the hand resting on his face. He wore shorts, despite the cold that lingered in the air.

Your eyes flickered to the Robin costume that was displayed in a glass stand. Bright reds and greens that always stood out in the night and made it oh-so-easy to spot. A mask that covered only the eyes and the sculpted cheeks bones of the boy hiding beneath. It was Robin that was sleeping in the chair beside your bed, maskless and vulnerable to someone he didn't even know.

"You're awake," he spoke without opening his eyes. Sleep was heavy in his voice. The usual pep that he had was replaced with a hoarseness that had you taken aback for a split moment. Bright blue eyes met yours. You always wondered what color they'd be, but you never expected them to be so vibrant - so full of life.

"How could you have possibly woken up from that, I haven't even moved," You tried to joke. A pain rippled through your whole body. Bruises dark in color splattered against you and a tight wrap was around your ribs where surely half of them were broken or cracked. You could feel the swell in your lips, the metallic taste of blood that lingered in your mouth even hours after you were defeated. Without needing to see yourself, you knew that you were looking rough.

"You were making noises in your sleep, they stopped when you woke up," Robin informed you. Whimpers and whines from the pain that ached throughout you echoed through the cave for hours. He knew of getting his ass handed to him, and he knew just how you felt that moment. "How are you feeling?"

Tim felt guilty. He tried his best to watch over you in the ferocious Gotham life, but sometimes he hadn't made it in time. You were lucky to be alive, and if that wasn't the case he wouldn't be able to live with himself, not when he was on some stupid team-building exercise in San Francisco.

There were tons of descriptions that you could have used to describe how you were feeling. Enraged. Embarrassed. Vengeful. "Sore," you settled with. Tim nodded, by the hesitance you had he wasn't sure if that was going to be your final answer. You rubbed a hand down your face, mixed feelings running through more than ever.

The familiar feeling of bare skin met your path. No mask, no covering your identity. No surprise that Batman did so. You paused a moment before sticking that same hand out for Robin to shake. "I presume you already knew long ago, but (Y/N) (L/N)."

Tim accepted your hand, surprised at the sudden grip that you had on him in your weakened state. "Tim Drake, I assume you already put together that I'm Robin," he mocked your words. "It's nice to officially meet you, (Y/N)."

Months of trying to convince you that joining the Teen Titans was the best thing that could happen to you. Not only would you get the additional training you needed, but you would have the resources and a team. You'd get friends - and most importantly you'd get to be near Tim more often.

As annoying as his pestering was to get you to join him, it was far more adorable. He'd get this little pout on his face, bottom lip sticking out that made you just want to kiss him. You knew the reason - or thought you knew - why he wanted you to join. He was scared for you. That night in the alley when he wasn't even home terrified him.

He was going to make sure that it never happened again. Tim would be there to protect you, and if he couldn't then his friends sure as hell would. Months of bribing, swaying, hangouts, and patrol, Tim finally convinced you to join him. The time you spent together had brought you closer together as friends.

It also brought unwanted feelings that kept you up at night. The little amount of sleep that you usually got dwindled as your thoughts and dreams became consumed by Tim Drake. He was more than a friend, a partner, a teammate - he was someone that you could love for the rest of your life. Yet, he had no idea.

Joining his little band of heroes didn't help either. You spent far more time with him. Training, missions, just hanging out in the lounge of the infamous Titans Tower. He became your every living moment - along with his friends. They weren't all easy to get along with. Beast Boy, Starfire, Cyborg, they all acted like they controlled your each and every move.

Conner Kent, Superboy, as nice as he was whenever he spent time with Tim you couldn't help but feel a little jealous. Bart took a while to get used to - just as Tim had told you it would. He was nice to you, but his literal sense of being all over the place drove you nuts. Cassie? Well, she was the one that got on your nerves the most.

Whenever Cassie and Tim were in the same room together, she hung off him like a leech. No matter what was going on she was right at his side. She made it impossible to hang out with him and you had no idea why she was so possessive of him. It seemed impossible to enjoy her presence. 

It was also impossible to hate her too. Whenever the two of you worked alone, she was always so incredibly kind to you. She would help you when you messed up or offered words of advice from her own mistakes. Cassie wasn't afraid to admit to you that she's messed up far more than you had. It was confusing why she changed so much around Tim.

It was annoying to see his stupid little smiles every time you were visibly frustrated with them together. It was even worse when their hugs lasted a little longer than they needed to be. Your jealousy of Cassie was getting out of hand, and that would only mean that bad decisions would be made.

><

You stood with your fist raised, ready to knock on the door in front of you. Maybe this choice was petty, maybe you were more scared to admit your own feelings than you were fighting monsters. Truth was, you just wanted to see Tim react the same way that you did when he was around Cassie. What better way than to use one of his own friends to do it?

Kon was too loyal to Tim to keep a secret. Victor and Gar wouldn't agree to it in the slightest - them being the 'responsible leaders' that they were. That left Bart Allen. Speedster. Kid Flash. As kind as he was, you didn't know him well enough to know if he would even agree to this ridiculous plan of yours.

The more you thought about it, the more ridiculous it even was. Why waste time trying to make Tim jealous when he probably didn't even think about how Cassie acted around him? Why not just tell him outright that after over a year of working together, you had caught major feelings for him?

Before you could change your mind about this whole thing, Bart's door opened. He looked ready to run out to do god knows what but stopped, confused, when he saw you standing there. "(Y/N), hey, uh," Bart scratched the back of his head. You never stopped by to see him. "What are you doing here?"

"Can I talk to you?" Your gaze turned to the end of the hall when hearing footsteps. Black and yellow cape, green shirt, of course, Tim remained in uniform even in his downtime. He met your eyes for a moment, a smile making it's way to his face before realizing that you were talking to Bart. His gaze turned to a glare when seeing how little of a space was between you and Bart.

Seeing his small change in facial expression had just confirmed that you liked seeing him jealous - if that's even what his emotion was. You smiled his way before grabbing Bart's hand and leading him back into his room. The door slammed shut before Tim could even reach it.

"What-" Bart tried to ask.

"I need you to do me a favour," Bart's room was a mess. Clothes were strewn all over the floor, unmade bed, food wrappers, and pizza boxes covering every inch of furniture. The difference between him and Tim was astounding just by looking at their living spaces. "I need you to help me make Tim jealous."

><

Surprisingly, Bart was quick to agree with your little plan. He too noticed that since your arrival to the tower, Tim and Cassie were closer than ever. If he was to notice, then surely there had to be something going on, right? Either way, it just fueled your desire to make him jealous even more.

They were small actions at first. You'd make sure that Bart would enter your room just as Tim was walking by, only to leave again moments later when he was gone. Always being quick to pair up with you for everything, only for Tim to argue that his pairing with you made more sense. Lingering hugs, watching movies together, sharing food.

Tim was quickly annoyed with Bart's presence whenever you were with him. However, he didn't bring it up. His glares, huffs of annoyance, and cold behaviour were all obvious though he never asked about your sudden interest in his best friend.

Kon, the only one that wasn't involved, but invested, quickly picked up on what happened. Tim got Cassie to be touchy the first day that you arrived. You asked Bart to do just the same. It was obvious what was going on to everyone besides you and Tim.

As funny as it was to watch, he was also getting annoyed at the lack of communication between you. According to Tim, you and him were best friends before you decided to join the team. Now, it seemed that you had never been farther apart because of your ruses.

"You and Bart got close since you've arrived," Tim was leaning against the door of your room. It had been days since the two of you had talked alone and you missed him. Keeping this fake-touchy relationship with Bart was exhausting. It didn't even seem to be worth it - until this moment.

"Yeah, he's a good guy," You peaked above the book you held in your hand. Tim invited himself into your room and sprawled across the bottom of your bed. He didn't want to hear about your relationship with Bart, but the words slipped his mouth before he could think of anything else. It drove him nuts seeing the two of you together. "Made this place feel like a home."

He didn't, at all. Truth was, you wished that you were back in Gotham, back where you didn't know you had to share Tim with anyone besides Batman. Now, with all his friends, you felt like you never got to see him at all. As much as you learned, and as thankful as you were for everything that you learned, you missed what your friendship used to be with Tim.

"You never told me you and Cassie were so close," You hesitantly spoke as a silence washed over you. Tim remainder stotic. He and Cassie were great friends, but they were never as physically close as they were now. She had been reluctant to agree to his pleas of acting closer than they really were to make you jealous. His efforts seemed all for null with your new fondness of the speedster.

If Tim were Bruce, he'd probably be able to pick up on the jealousy in your voice. Right now, he was too caught up in your own thinking about the hours that Bart spent in your room, laughing so loud that he could hear it from his room. He loathed the idea of you and Bart together.

"Yeah." Yeah. That's all he had to say? All their time together, nothing more than a single word to talk about the woman he clearly cared deeply about.

Another silence. A painful, heart aching silence that never used to happen before you joined this stupid team. It seemed that arriving had pushed you and Robin farther apart than ever before. You hated these moments, hated it felt like you knew nothing about one another, like you hadn't nearly died together half a dozen times.

It seemed that your silence in the middle of a mission was louder than these moments.

"Tim?" You asked. He was staring up at your ceiling and you couldn't help but wonder what the hell was going on in his head. No matter how close you were, or thought you were, he would always remain a mystery.

"Yeah," he repeated.

What if I moved back to Gotham? What if I asked you to stay there with me? What if I told you everything with Bart was a lie? What if I told you my feelings for you were undeniable? What if the reason I want to hate Cassie is because of you? What if...

"Nevermind." There was no point in dwelling in what if's.

><

Kori always promoted training with teammates. It was a great way to hone in on your skills, and develop a further relationship among your team. Kon was back in Smallville, Beast Boy and Cyborg were off working for their previous leader Nightwing. That left just the four of you - two of which you could barely look at.

You were infuriated with Tim. The entire week he had been brushing you off, ignoring your messages, it was like he was avoiding you completely. To make matters worse, Cassie had been glued to his side the entire time. They didn't part ways for anything it seemed.

Now, you and Bart were fighting against Tim and Cassie. Though the speedster and Amazonian had no issues with each other, it was clear that they knew to stay out of yours and Tim's way during the spar. It seemed that just as you were frustrated with Tim, he was with you.

The clashing of staffs was almost as loud as Bart's cackling as he ran around the training room. Tim didn't hold back, not at all. He wasn't surprised to see you do the same, however, he was shocked to see how much you had improved since your time in Gotham. As good as you were, you could rarely hold your own against him.

You didn't need to see beneath his mask to know that he was angry. It was only a matter of who it was directed at. Bruce, maybe. Dick. Kon. You could only dream that it was Cassie but you knew damn better than that. Likely, you were the one to have done something wrong - which was probably why he was ignoring you.

"If you've got something to say, Robin, you should say it," You gritted out as you narrowly missed the staff swinging your way. It was beyond frustrating fighting with him. Tim was impossible to get a hit laid on him, and he was constantly on the defensive with you - as if he didn't want to hit you or something similar.

"Do you really think now is the best time for conversation?" Tim flipped to miss your swing. As he landed, he knocked your weapon away in a single move, leaving you defenseless against him. The fight, as if it wasn't already, became completely unfair in his advantage. Conversation was the only thing that was going to get your the upper hand.

"Well you refuse to talk to me any other time."

His strikes became harder, faster. You needed to get his staff away from just as he did to you before he landed a hit. Tim cried out as your heel slammed against his hand. The force of it knocked the staff out of his hand and it rolled away in the opposite direction of your own.

Tim nursed his throbbing hand for a moment before raising his fists. "Didn't think you'd notice with how much time you're spending with Bart." He jabbed at you, hitting your forearm instead of his intended target of your face. You could see the two other heroes fighting from the corner of your eye - both of them getting just as frustrated but for completely different reasons.

"You're the one that invited me to this team, Drake," your foot jutted towards his chest. It barely impacted him - even though he was quick, he wasn't quick enough. "It's like the moment we left Gotham you were ready to drop me."

"Is that seriously what you think?" Tim was barely able to dodge your oncoming throws. Punch after punch you had still missed them all. He managed to grab your fist. "You obviously don't realize-"

"You wouldn't know obvious if it punched you in the face!" You exclaimed as you wound your free arm back. Tim was so taken aback that he didn't have time to prepare for the hit. Your knuckles collided with his cheekbone and the force of it had knocked him flat on his ass. A loud thud echoed through the room - enough for Cassie and Bart to stop in their tracks.

Tim's cheek was red from where you had hit him.  He didn't look angry with you - it was a spar after all. He looked disappointed, more at himself than you. Was there more to this whole situation than he had originally thought there to be.

Robin, world's second greatest detective - he should have been able to see right through everything. Just as he had asked Cassie to be affectionate when you were around - maybe you just done exactly the same thing with Bart. What kind of mess had he gotten himself into?

You stood above him, hands still in fists. In that moment you made up your mind. Staying in this damn tower was draining you and you couldn’t take it any longer. 

"I'm going back to Gotham."

><

"You were right."

Tim caught you packing your bags for your return back to Gotham. To no surprise, he managed to sneak in without you even knowing. You were frozen, hand in your bag after shoving in a handful of clothing at the sound of his voice.

"I don't hear you say that very often," you snarked. He leaned on the edge of your desk, arms crossed over his chest and mask peeled off. He never wore it anymore when the two of you were alone. He trusted you too much not to. Then again, maybe you were just the only one that knew the real him under that mask.

"That's because you rarely are," he chuckled. Now wasn’t the time for his joke. "I'm sorry, for everything. Apparently, I wasn't able to see the truth until it hit me in the face - literally. Bart told me what happened, what you asked him to do. I... I-"

"Asked Cassie to do the same," you cut him off. Tim's mouth parted with shock. How could you have figured it out? Defeated, you sat on the edge of your bed. You felt like a fool for going through with such an elaborate plot to gain his affections. "She just left my room. Don't know whether I'm surprised or disappointed in both of us.

"Great minds think alike, huh?" Tim shook his head. Only a fool would have gone through such a process - and a fool he was. "What were we thinking? You're my best friend (Y/N), I know I can trust you with everything, and yet- and yet I was scared of what you would say."

"We really played ourselves, huh?" You chuckled. Tim pushed himself off your desk to take the seat next to you. He grabbed your hand, pulling it into his own lap and intertwining your fingers. His warmth crawled up your arm and spread across your entire body. 

What were you thinking with this stupid plan? More importantly, how did neither of you figure out the truth sooner? Tim felt just as much of an idiot as you did. 

He smiled at the sight of your hand in his. He was so caught up in trying to get silly reactions out of you that he forgot the reasoning behind it all. Tim adored you, he wanted you to be his and he should have just told you outright instead of being the scared little boy he once was. 

"Come back to Gotham with me? Please?" You asked suddenly. The two of you needed a break away from the team, you needed time to figure out what these past few months were really for. Mostly, you wanted Tim all to yourself, even for just a little while. 

"There's a great burger place that I found with Dick one night on Patrol. Ate so many that I could barely move the rest of the night," Tim smiled at the memory. "Go with me? On a date?"

Tim's eyes shone with hope for your answer. After going through this entire mess, he only assumed you would be willing to go on a date with him. You leaned towards him, lips barely brushing against his but aching with anticipation for more. He pressed himself into you, lips molding to yours like he was made for you.

"If it wasn't obvious, I'd love to."

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