#thats a bigger issue than adhd too

[the-maggot-muncher]

rant time: disability and ableism

(don't worry there's a hopeful happy part at the end)

being disabled is a weird experience, just like in general. I have a disability that's more hidden than others, but it's still very real. i also have a mental disorder lol.

I hear ableist things all the time, even said directly to me. It's mostly from my grandma because we work together, yet it's still so awkward. Shes very judgmental and misinformed, and she's said harsh things to me about my own disability. Our boss is hiring two(2) new people for building, and they are both autistic, she thinks they shouldn't be allowed around power tools. if they had self/movement control issues then they likely wouldn't be going out of their way to do the job they're being hired for. It strange how utterly misinformed that she, and one of my coworkers who agreed, is. Her words are hurtful, and while she lived in another time, she still can't accept the change. And she has so much internalized ableism because she's growing older and medically disabled. It's so bad that she ends up hurting and pushing herself to prove that she's "stronger" or something, everyone knows she's strong, but she sees disability as so bad that she dreads it and hurts herself.

My own mother told me I wasn't disabled. She corrected herself and fully supports my disabilities, but for my own mother to doubt my issues just because I didn't fit a stereotype hurt.

There's also my aunt, a proud cancer survivor, who shamed me once for complaining about my disability. She told me I was being dramatic and that she wasn't bothered as a 50yr old woman who fought cancer, the activity we were doing was causing strain to my hips (i have hip dysplasia) and it was causing no strain on her whatsoever.

her partner is even worse, she grew up with tough love, so she gave me tough love. I have issues with social interaction and cues, shes made me cry a lot and refuses to change her language and style around me, knowing it hurts me. Our aunts take us on vcation every year, so we were having a conversation, somehow on the toipic of adhd. My aunts partner said something incredibly abelist(and also supporting child abuse) and i corrected her and told her that adhd is not something that can be BEAT out of children, it something in their brain. She decided to be the "bigger person" and say, infront of everyone, that I was a "bitch", im way too judgmental ad corrective, and that "thats the reason no one likes you". Safe to say i did shed a few tears. Yes, i correct people who are being abelist. However i also misinterpret social cues and "moods" and thought it was an actual conversation, i though as someone who was apart of the conversation was alowed to voice an opinion, didnt know that being anti-ableism and anti-abuse is bitchy. and i hav eproblems making friends because of my disability, and i also genuinely believe everyone hates me sometimes, because of my disability. the worst thing is that no one stood up for me, they just let her say terrible things to me. Thats how its always been, even when people see an injustice or something rude they just ignored it. It was a froup of 7, including my brother. And no one said anything reasssuring to me, she never apologized.

Also, my friend who knows exactly what my disability is, who is a complete asshole to me. when she gets mad or just bored shell completely shut down and ghost me irl. so much so to the point I've started crying multiple times and begged her to stop, she knows being ignored triggers my anxiety. she also likes to take things I care about (ie; my ceramics project for SCHOOL and my entire phone) and pretends to throw/drop them just to freak me out. She constantly tells me she hates me and gets pissed at me when she finds out that I was genuinely convinced she did. she speaks in very vague ways and refuses to elaborate, despite me not understanding social cues and asking for her to elaborate.

hatred is everywhere in this world, however, there are some safe places I've found.

I have a sole confidant, the one person who completely understands me, and listens. He respects me and assures me that he cares. He is also neurodivergent, so he somewhat understands, and even when he doesn't, he still treats we with respect.

When I started treatment for my anxiety I started talking more, my family was so proud of me, they praised me for opening up at family gatherings and they included me more. It was like I finally felt their love.

there are some good people in the world, people who care and love unconditionally.

[wickymicky]

is it bad or wrong to think that yoohyeon might have adhd? like idk it’s probably not great to headcanon things like that about a real person, idk... but... i kinda think she might and that just makes me happy and makes me feel good about myself so idk. im not actually gonna like ask her or believe that it’s true, i’m just gonna notice little things she does that i also do, and smile about those things. 

[falcqns]

here's my ultimate confession:

i like being neurodivergent. i like having adhd, spd and being autistic. i like having hyperfixations and special interests. i like preferring certain noise levels, lights and textures. i like how my brain works and how my personality is, and i refuse to apologize for any of it.

i also love being taken care of. i'm a little, so that need is already there, but its made bigger due to my adhd and asd.

i'm not ashamed of needing extra help too. i'm not ashamed that i have accommodations in school and work, that i take medication and it causes side effects.

don't get me wrong, there are aspects of having these things that i don't like, such as the sensory issues and overstimulation but why should i be ashamed to be neurodivergent? theres nothing wrong with me other than the fact that my brain is wired differently. thats nothing to be ashamed of.

idk, i feel like my life would be super dull if i was neurotypical lmao

[songofsaraneth]

an incomplete list of the Bullshit ive gone through this year (2021 only), for personal edification:

I am in grad school trying to do research as well as TA a lab class during a global pandemic

My car is broken into in late February outside of my apartment. $1700+ of my backpacking/camping gear and personal items were stolen from it. Ironically they did not find the $20 cash I had. 

Car battery begins mysterious dying if left overnight and have to call for rescue from AAA 4 separate times over the course of March. I suspect it is related to being broken into but can’t prove it without a mechanic’s diagnostics.

First mechanic I bring my car to does nothing for the entire MONTH they have it, except break my air conditioning of all things. I live in a desert. It is now 90º every day. At one point they call me to say they can’t get the back doors to open. I walk 2 miles back to them from campus and demonstrate how the automatic doors work on a 2005 minivan. I begin to have regrets about my mechanic choice but the sunk fallacy cost keeps me there for several weeks.

Mid march I also wake up one day to severe jaw pain/a weird “loose” feeling, like my mouth is slanting sideways. It is midterms and I do not have time for this, so I take a lot of ibuprofen and eat soup for a week. After 3 days I shove pillows and blankets around my face one night to keep my jaw aligned and when I wake up the next morning it is severely tight instead of loose, and I have to carefully stretch it open whenever I leave my mouth closed for more than an hour. I guess I just have TMJ now.

At this point I am walking everywhere until bike supplies arrive to fix my flat tire since the bike store is too far away to walk to; including walking back and forth to campus since I can only bring 2-4 out of 8 students into the lab spaces at a time and so effectively have to run each weekly lab 2-4 times per week; as well as going back and forth for greenhouse experiment monitoring/helping undergrads on our NASA contest project

Early April I go to the dentist for a crown on one of my back molars, which I must pay for out of pocket because my new dental insurance purchased when I moved last September has a 1-year waiting period and so will not cover it ($1200). Stretching my jaw open so far for the procedure reignites my new TMJ back to high pain levels.

While still waiting on car in mid-April I have a severe averse reaction to the second dose of the Covid19 vaccine, resulting in painful ulceration of all the soft tissues in my body (mouth, stomach, genitals). It is a very bad time for 3 days and I book an urgent care appointment for the first time ever.

Urgent Care nurse-practitioner does not believe me when I describe what’s happening, and misdiagnoses me with herpes.

I am still biking everywhere but now I’m extra mad and in pain about it so take car back from mechanic so I can get groceries etc. I make an appointment with the dealership but it will be a week until they can take it. In the meanwhile I have to drive it every 8 hours so it won’t die which means getting up at 2am to drive it for 20 minutes in the middle of the night so it will still turn on in the morning. 

I have a terrible reaction to the numbing cream given to me for the painful open sores over my body, because of a lifelong mint sensitivity, resulting in an even greater amount of pain

The dealership can fix my car over the following week but its $1800 and now insurance isn’t sure they want to cover it after all

Herpes test comes back negative and nurse apologizes profusely and recommends a non-mint OTC numbing cream alternative that works (yay) and a numbing spray that does not work because it turned out to use an alcohol based propellant which should not be combined with open wounds esp on the genitals (ouch ouch ouch). I try to tell the nurse why I was right about my diagnosis and she was wrong but she still believes it was a latent virus of some other variety and and not an immune response alone, despite the published case studies I have brought to back me up. I decide I have bigger hills I need to die on right now and stop arguing. Sores persist into May but eventually do go down and numbing cream keeps me moderately functioning.

Car is fixed and I can drive again but it takes 2 hours of crying on the phone to my insurance company for them to agree to cover the cost of repair

I make a primary care appointment for the first time in years so I can have a doctor in this state if something like this happens to me again, in June I do intake/bloodwork/set up appointments to check out some other issues ive been having

Grad school finals happen which i wont get into but Yeah. Finals stress triggers another outbreak of canker sores, but mostly clustered in my mouth and only 2 on my vulva rather than 8-12. I eat only soup for another week. 

I get a referral to the local mental health clinic and call about setting up an appointment for an ADHD evaluation. They tell me to download and send in some paperwork and they will call when they have available appointments

I am supposed to be doing all my labwork over the summer but the committee member I need escapes my clutches and we don’t manage to set up a meeting to plan it out/for him to explain the protocols until late June

Bloodwork shows I am critically low in vitamin b12 and low in D, which may explain some of why I am so tired all the time

Ultrasound shows a 1.8cm mass in the adnexa near my left ovary. There are several options for what it can be (folicular cyst, other kind of cyst, tumor, ectopic pregnancy i nearly laugh at my Dr and reassure her the last one is not possible if nothing else). It may go away on its own or it may not. Follow up scan in 2 months

I remember I was supposed to email forms to the mental health clinic and finally send those in mid July. It seems cruel to make me be the one to remember this considering I am calling about a formal ADHD diagnosis.

I also finally pin everyone relating to my labwork down and have a follow up meeting + make a list of what we need to order, but the staff who place orders are on vacation and when they get back several reagents are backordered

I have my follow-up ultrasound. The tech takes lots of photos which indicates the mass is still present, but I won’t know any details until my next PCP appointment when they send over the analysis to her in mid-August

Beginning of August the reagents I need for the first steps of the process arrive exactly 1 day before I leave town for a wedding and the lab manager is about to leave town for the entire next week

After the wedding, severe thunderstorms and tornados trap me in Chicago for 4 extra days. I spend a lot of time at the airport or on my way between the airport and my parents house. A facebook friend gets video of the funnel clouds which at least gives me something to sadly email my advisor and committee members when I have to join our planning meeting from my gate at O’Hare

I lose my drivers license at the security checkpoint on my last trip through the airport and don’t realize until I am boarding the plane because of course that is happening to me now

On the shuttle from El Paso back to Las Cruces after this ordeal the driver stops and picks up a box labeled HUMAN BLOOD and puts it in the trunk and i am too tired to care anymore

I stay up all night making the world’s most pitiful r graphs for my meeting the next morning and everyone takes pity on me and does not call out how useless they are

I spend the weekend trying to motivate myself to actually go into the lab and start my procedures, and fail to leave my apartment. This reminds me it has now been a month (Aug 15th) since I sent in my paperwork and the mental health clinic has still not called me back about up an appointment

I get overwhelmed with Everything and make this list

So that’s where I’m at at the moment. And this doesn’t even include anything from 2020 thats just been continuous like, y’know, a global pandemic and having a bad breakup of a 4 year relationship and moving to a new city where I know no one for grad school etc. I feel like I’m falling apart/unable to do all the shit I need to right now but you know what? Actually its been a really bad time and maybe falling apart a little is justified ;_; 

[luque-moreau]

y'know i think its about time ive refurbished my psychonauts headcanons/theories

what??? me??? rewriting my psychonauts headcanons in a more comprehensible and informed way???

ye

alright, i think everyone knows what im talking about, by headcanons i mean headcanon as in singular, and as singular, i mean my "raz is somewhere on the spectrum of adhd".

so lets just get into it:

what is adhd actually?

adhd by definition stands for attention deficit hyperactive/hyperfocus disorder (yes, let me get into the details in just a sec). it is a nerodevelopmental disorder that is almost completely reliant on genetic factors, however conditions during pregnancy can sometimes contribute to certain aspects of how adhd manifests itself.

long story short, people with adhd have a smaller frontal lobe, and therefore less dopamine in general (even though yes, it is more complicated than that).

theres also a little bit of "chicken or the egg first" goin on here, certain behaviors or personality tendencies can also affect how adhd is presented in one individual to the next, however its still not clear if that is because it is an accommodating for a certain thought process or if someones experiences and personality shape their symptoms of adhd entirely. its a very blurry line, and the answer is different for everybody.

hyperactive type

hyperactive type is probably the closest to most stereotypical depictions of adhd, think the 5 year old whos parents brush off their child’s hyperactivity as something that will “go with age”. however, this isn’t only present in children, adults with adhd have to deal with a constant need for stimuli to make up for the lack of dopamine their current activity is providing them. this results in someone fidgeting frequently in repetitive or predictable motions, unable to hold attention to a specific task for long periods of time, or many other of the symptoms associated with adhd.(i sadly cannot provide more information in this area, i am not knowledgeable enough to...)

hyperfocus type

hyperfocus type is a tricky one, it can look like the complete opposite of adhd in theory. hyperfocus can look similar to special interests or hyperfixation, a great deal of time and knowledge dedicated to a very particular thing (although it is important to note that even though hyperfixations and special interests are incredibly similar, special interests is a term more typically used within autistic-circles, and isnt really the best word to use if you happen to be neurotypical). Think of maybe that kid who knows all the cool animal facts and won’t shut up about them. Its because certain trains of thought or activities might release more dopamine then others, so to get more of that dopamine, someone of hyperfocus type will be mentally unable to stop thinking or doing a very specific task or topic. this results in someone seemingly always spacing out, unable to change subjects or changing subjects too fast or with little to no correlation, or being completely unable to have enough motivation to do simple things.

personally i tend to fall under the category of hyperfocus myself rather than hyperactive, however the two are not mutually exclusive, its more common to find people with both types rather than just one. even myself, i might exhibit more tendencies to place me under the label of hyperfocus, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have any symptoms of the hyperactive type. its my personality that affects my mannerisms, which then makes certain aspects of my symptoms more or less apparent. Thats because im an INTP-T, i just tend to be more to myself and constantly in a state of thinking abstractly. I have trouble communicating and even sometimes recognizing my needs, and get to a point where im unable to do the simplest of things without feeling emotionally drained. Thats just my experience though, everybodys different. 

so what the fuck does this have to do with raz then?

well lets think about it, rather than have it just be me projecting myself onto a comfort character:

raz finds issue with connecting to kids his age

lets be honest. none of the campers really like raz that much. or at least some do the bare minimum to be try and be polite. it doesn’t seem like any of the other campers besides dogen, whos also socially outcasted, are really fond of raz. lili might like him, but that can definitely be interpreted as curiosity in someone new and different from the norm. It might not be that the kids despise him, but nobodys opinionated enough to care whether he is around or not.

social isolation is one of the most damning things i had to experience from an early age and still feel even today. there is a sense of feeling that you are different among your peers, whether that is a good thing or bad thing. it feels difficult to interact with other people you are not familiar with, and can really stunt you emotionally and socially. from a really early age, theres somethin in you that knows something is very different between the experiences of your peers compared to your own, and it can feel incredibly isolating.

raz and his borderline stupidity

time to get real again. raz is a fucking idiot. at least in the sense that sometimes his decisions seem incredibly spontaneous and not really thought through. he runs from home to attend a summer camp, not really thinking about the logistics of how he will get there, how the staff will react, how long its gonna take for his parent to find him, and so on. it doesn’t seem like he over or underestimates his abilities, he just goes for it without considering. that doesnt seem like the smartest thing to do, even though we know hes incredibly intelligent when it comes to larger, abstract situations. its the little details that he misses, small minuet things that seem unimportant that he overlooks, which can sometimes make things harder for him in the end.

i think its obvious that impulsivity is one symptom of adhd. however i cannot stress how difficult it is to think at supersonic speed and still feel incredibly stupid. i mean, thinking faster doesn’t inherently mean you will have better ideas, you can always be stupider faster, but being able to realize stupid mistakes or inconsistencies in your own thought process is annoying as hell. it feels like every time you try to recognize the issue, fix it, and move forward, you only end up not paying attention to another issue that gets bigger and more annoying than the first. Its always two steps forward, one step back, constantly making the same mistakes even though you try everything in your power to avoid them or grow as a person. The simplest of facts, ideas, or just things to remember end up being forgotten, and once youre reminded of them you remember them and feel like an idiot. however, arbitrary things and complex issues are much easier to digest and remember for me, things like history and the whole blame game charade of it all, biology and how every minuet thing has a greater impact on others and intertwines with every single factor of its environment, philosophy and theorizing why we think the way we do and what can be changed. but oh shit, im a dumbass i forgot to do my laundry. shit. god fuckin dammit.

empathy over sympathy

one of the basic themes of psychonauts is empathy. simple as that. raz goes around into other peoples brains, and tries to help them as much as he can, even if his efforts are not always successful in the way he intended. he never demonizes anyone to the point of unredeemability, and can empathize and understand other peoples perspectives. hes open to new ideas and

although some studies out there theorize that empathy is impaired due to adhd, from my perspective i feel like that is simply not true. if anything, i would say the sensitivity that comes with adhd (hypersensitivity) only enhances that empathy. i could definitely see social disconnection being one of the reasons it might appear that someone with adhd is less empathetic, however i would doubt that adhd would impair a persons empathy. adhd tends to also entail heightened emotions, this doesn’t necessarily mean a more outwardly emotional person, however it definitely shifts a persons perspective of their own emotions as well as others. the concept of hypersensitivity also completely contradicts the idea of people with adhd be less empathetic.

miscommunication and disconnect

sigh, the dad thing. yup. raz has that very iffy relationship with his dad at the beginning of the game which is eventually resolved. very abruptly, might i add. but thats not what this is about, thats a topic for another day. miscommunication seemed to be the root of the issue, however we only get razs side of the story. not to mention the severity of his claims and willingness to seemingly drop everything afterwards. kinda sus, ngl.

alright this ones a doosey. this, i feel, cements my theory pretty well. like i mentioned before, social disconnect and hypersensitivity are side effects of the symptoms of adhd.  this means people with adhd are highly more likely to either misinterpret someones words or actions if those in question are not completely transparent, its because they tend to overthink and interpenetrate responses with too much thinkin n such. the social disconnect makes a whole lot of it worse, it can just pile on top of already established feelings of inadequacy and isolation. and oversharing as a poor coping mechanism isnt an exclusively adhd related thing, it tends to be shared within similar neruodevelopmental disorders such as autism or even ptsd. i find it incredibly easy to disconnect myself from my own emotions at times and think critically at what i feel and how it affects me. which is a bad thing. if i dont acknowledge my emotions like they are my own for too long, everything falls apart. its not fun. but, that disconnect can make talking about certain more traumatic experiences or instances that had deep personal effects on my life and development as a person much easier to just share. and not always in an appropriate manner, comedic opportunity can be   v  e  r  y   enticing. this also explains why raz might have been able to drop everything about his dad after he apologized. he didn’t really, he probably still suffers just as much afterwards as he did before. but he probably wont realize that for awhile, since logically, the issue has been resolved. long story short, he has not had the time to cope, and to put that off he detaches himself from those feelings. w a c k

of course i have other reasons why i feel like raz could potentially have adhd, or at least be accurately represented in headcanon with adhd, some minor mentions being:

he uses his camp map as a journal to track his in-game progress, list of goals, and notes/snip-its of information. writing down information on some form of notepad or book is a common tool used by kids and even adults with adhd to help them keep track of minuet, individual tasks. its just using a planner, but with a bit more information. 

just from my personal perspective, the lengths raz goes to pursue his dream of being a psychonaut feel more like a special interest/hyper fixation sort of thing. he can jump between having genuine conversations with his fellow campers and just exploring the campground, to investing himself entirely in obtaining his goal, even when it seems almost impossible. thats some serious dedication to one very specific thing, y’know?

this one isnt as solid as the other but: m̶̖̰̯̫̍͝o̵̦͖̟͈̹̤̥̝͐̿̄̀̀̎̓ņ̶̛̭̠̐̊̆̍͝ķ̸̝͈̺̙̰̊e̶͉͚̼̅̔͗̂͐̍̕͝͝y̶̦̖̼͖̪͎̝̖̠̐̑͋̾̔̑́͐͘ ̵̢̲̘͎͉̔̀͒̄͌͊̀͌̀m̴̲̫̮̪̖̍̐͆̕͜͝ͅả̶͙͚͗n̶̗̳̩̙̘̼̦̦͇͝ ̷̡̨̡͔̗͕̘͍̥̑͒̎̐̃g̴͔̔̈̅̐̏́̌̔̈́́o̶̥̱̽̆̂͌̀͗ ̶̝̩͙͕͛́s̴̛͓̥̲̜͓͚̣̠̆̓̌͌p̶̜̹̯̦̫̯̣̎͐̽̉̾ḙ̴͇̬͑̈́̐̈́͘͠ͅȅ̶̡̗̞̩͔̫̪͈͑̓͗d̵̠͇͎̜͔͇͒̈́́̀̅̈́̒͘y̸̡̦̠̻̖̥̿ͅ. yeah, its the most generalizing reason but look, hes moving nonstop the entire game, climbing and running around the entire goddamn place wrecking havoc. a bit of imp can be found in most people with adhd if you look hard enough.

so thanks for reading this far i guess? im oversharing even right now with this, like an i d i o t but yknow what i dont want to read the great gatsby rn, so ive got nothin better to do. who knows, maybe the second game will give us more info to either support/discredit this theory? gotta wait for pn2 i guess

:^)

[artisticallymusical]

Consequences

They smile wide,

Their teeth are white like snow.

Their lips are red. The way they flow.

Their eyes are gorgeous. Oh how they glow.

They smile wide.

They do not hide,

Their bellies show beneath their tops.

Their shorts, they show a hell of a lot.

Their heels, their shoes, they put them on top.

They do not hide.

And yet they lie.

They suck in every inch of air.

“They’re mean comments, How come you don’t care?”

“Ew. Not enough makeup!” “Go get some better hair!”

And yet they lie.

It’s two in the morning and they can’t get to bed.

They hear the screaming of the wind and those comments in their head,

And they know it’s wrong and it won’t fix a thing, but it’s better then going to bed and dreaming those nightmares again.

So it's one or maybe two. We’ll stop at ten or twenty-two.

But the reality is, words have consequences.

They got quieter, but thats okay. Maybe their laughter just walked away, but it’ll be back another day. So what?! They’re a little quieter.

Their nights got longer, but that’s okay. They’re tennagers just texting away. But what if they’re not? Well they look just fine. They’re nights just get a little bit longer.

They got a bit bigger. That’s not okay. We can’t be seen with them, just walk away. Don’t say anything, look away. They got a bit bigger.

Their sleeves got longer but that’s okay. It’s the middle of winter and what can they say? The shorts are too short on their big fat legs. Their sleeves got a bit longer.

They’re gone for a month, or two, or three, but nobody notices that they’re gone lately.

The text's mean nothing in a time of hurt or rage, but it still meant something. It hurt there hearts, they felt the pain.

Why does it matter that it’s not face to face? Were the words digitized? Is there no definition connected to what they say?

They wanted help but got drama. Wanted friends but got foe. Why hurt instead of heal? Why do they shove them? Do they not feel?

And slowly they disappear.

But the reality is, words have no consequences.

So they grapple with hope and they grapple with faith.

They gets skinner. That means pretty so now their friends stay. Now they’re the yellers, the rumor spreader, burying the self hate that stays.

Because today's reality is, words don’t really have any consequences.

The scars on their wrists? Cat scratches.

The bones at the hips? A new trend.

The botox and implants? Mere enhancements.

Because 20, 30 years ago, those words, those people, never got any consequences.

They smiled wider,

Their teeth were once white like snow.

Their lips were red. The way they used to flow.

Their eyes were once gorgeous. Oh how they once glowed.

“Are you okay?” “Oh yes! I’m very happy!”

Because nobody cares or wants to talk about what “isn’t” there or what can’t be seen, and in the end, there are no consequences. Right?

This is a poem I made for English class a few months ago. I wrote this poem fairly quickly and, if I’m 100% honest, I wrote this poem during lunch on Tuesday in only 10-15 minutes. This is because, and a lot of people know this because it is basically all I talk about, but I’ve been through a few things in life I would have rathered I didn’t. I have major ADHD issues which started when I was diagnosed with at 8. I have BPD, OCD, a Generalized severe anxiety disorder, major impulse control issues, anger issues, abandonment issues, the list goes on. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy. Although this isn’t true for all the 7.53 billion people on earth, the reality is, not many people care. Or they’re to busy to care, you've heard the excuses. Many people don't truly care, not until it’s them. I live in a first world country, in a safe home with a loving, accepting family, and go to school with amazing friends and teachers. I do not have to worry about stepping on a landmine or getting shot or being kidnapped or assaulted on my way to school and home. I do have to worry about my mental health, my school work, relationships, eating habits, weight, looks, daily habits, social position, etc. My belief is this. When you take away war, destruction, political disaster, sever 3rd world country type poverty, and you just leave society; In a first world country, you are left with mental health, bullying problems, racism, political debates, fake news, drama about stuff that does not matter, at all, despite how it affects people. The biggest problem in Canada is that we don’t want to deal with any of it. “Your kid has mental health issues and wants to die? Doesn’t know how to socialize? Can’t read or write? Your kid is not my kid, sorry. Do your grandparents have dementia? Schizophrenia? Alzheimer's? Sorry, not my problem. You're broke? Poor? Have a family? Dog? Used to fight for our country? Well, you should’ve fixed yourself when you got back. It’s not my fault your poor.” This is a common occurrence. Nowadays no one will say you have to be perfect but you still do. Nowadays we have pink shirt day but the rule “snitches get stitches” runs the large majority of school systems because GOD forbid you stand up for what’s right if it deems you ‘uncool’. This is despite the fact that it is proven that over time the bullying, stress to be perfect, keeping up with family issues and bills mentally affects the person, and yet, nobody cares until it’s them. We just say we do because nobody wants the label of being uncaring or selfish or just outright mean sometimes, because GOD forbid you’re not perfect or loved by all or have 1000+ followers on Instagram; the basis of which is to literally judge people by their photos, and then decide whether or not you like them enough to follow them. There are so many rules in first world society, so many guidelines and social laws, but nobody wants to talk about them. “Consequences” is about just that. It mentions an eating disorder, insomnia, self-harm, bullying, social media, avoidance, faith struggles etc. Then it ends with the fact that we talk about how horrible it is to call someone fat or ugly or to tell someone to kill themselves, but more often than not, nothing happens or nobody does anything. My question to society is: when did we get so judgmentally that we do things to judge whole groups.? Example: we as a society have turned the word “Emo” into a negative thing, or an insult. Emo means emotional or overly emotional. We as a society now judge people for being or having too many emotions. Why? That is not the only example, but I hope “Consequences” challenges that thinking. Repost this so that those who need support can access it. Or maybe send it to someone directly to show your support. I want everyone of the 7.53 billion people out there that either have serious, mild or little to no mental health issues, as well as those just going through a rough patch or bad day, to know that even if 7.53 billion people don’t care, I do.

[themagiciansreccenter]

Author Spotlight @echomoon

Every week we are going to be interviewing a writer from The Magicians fandom. If you would like to be interviewed or you want to nominate a writer, get in touch via our ask box.

First things first, tell us a little about yourself.

what up im jared, im 19 and i never learned how to fuckign read. JK my name is Theo and I super know how to read. Most of the time. Also I’m 22. Anyway I’m one of the more OG members of the Magicians fandom, having been here since back in the early days of early s1. Uhhh I’m nonbinary and hella queer. Metafic is my most favorite thing in the world other than puppies. I cry at least once a day. I have adhd and depression and chronic pain and hella other issues. I’m an anthropology major, in my third year. I’m a slytherin, an illusions discipline, and a pisces.

How long have you been writing for?

Since I learned how, basically, but I only really started posting things online because of the Magicians and also because of Twilight?

What inspired you to start writing for The Magicians?

It’s the BEST and I find it very easy to write from Quentin’s pov which means I actually finish things sometimes lol.

Who is/are your favourite character(s) to write? What it is about them that makes them your favourite?

Quentin, because he is essentially me if I was born as a cisdude except more repressed in terms of sexuality and also more wealthy, which makes him super easy to write and super easy to get ideas about. I also like Penny, because for some reason people think I’m good at writing him?

Do you have a preference for a particular season/point in time to write about?

I write a lot set in the Brakebills years because I like the whole magic school thing and the exploration of magic and interpersonal relationships without having to deal with the Beast or other threats trying to destroy everything they know and love? Like I like that slow burn, spread out, things are happening but they’re happening slowly and also heres some meta about magic kind of exploration that that time gives me the opportunity to do. I think this is partially influenced by that the first book has them in that setting so much longer, and partially because I’m still doing the whole college thing myself and find that easiest to relate to (because no one really wants to read ‘Quentin working two part time jobs and struggling to survive and nothing else happens’ unless it’s just a tiny segment of the fic lmao).

Are you working on anything right now? Care to give us an idea about it?

Well, in regards to Magicians fic, I’m still trudging along on chapter two of Magician’s Path - I’m trying to introduce more of Julia’s side of the story as well as working on how to warp the two canons into each other while also making the storyline unique - and also on the next part of crazy/classic/life, my paradise kiss and magicians crossover au. I’m also trying to find the time to record more podfic of my fics, because I think its important to have audiofic available. But nothing new, just continuations.

As for other fandoms, I’m working on a HELLA long reworking of the Descendants universe (hi i love disney channel movies dont judge), and that’s my primary focus right now in terms of fic.

How long is your “to do list”?

Very

What is your favourite fic that you’ve written for The Magicians? Why?

Oh heck, um… probably either all tied up or The Magician’s Path. all tied up was my first time writing PiV smut and also writing shadeless!Julia and I’m just really proud of it? And TMP is like, my baby, my huge multichapter canon reworking that I’m putting so much planning into and I’m always so excited to talk about it. I know it doesn’t seem like much yet but y’all I have so many plans for it and I hope you end up loving it as much as I do.

Many writers have a fic that they are passionate about that doesn’t get the reception from the fandom that they hoped for. Do you have a fic you would like more people to read and appreciate?

TMP for sure - I hope that when I’m done more people give it a try.

What is your writing process like? Do you have any traditions or superstitions that you like to stick to when you’re writing?

Ha my writing process is either ‘has no ideas for months straight and then suddenly idea when I’m supposed to be doing something else but I gotta write this down!!!’ or ‘one sentence every month at most’. Now that the FTB server has gotten bigger, I’ve found some people who will proofread for me, so there’s that editing process afterwards (thanks @oneeyeddestroyer for being the best beta).

I guess my only superstition is that if I’m doing a multichapter or big work I try not to give too much detail out when I talk about it because I get worried that saying about the plot too much will make me lose interest in it.

Do you write while the seasons are airing or do you prefer to wait for hiatus? How does the ongoing development of the canon influence and inspire your writing process?

I do tend to write more when the show is airing, because more people are engaged and it’s something to fill the void between episodes - during hiatus I tend to drift away a bit and focus on other fandoms. This is the first show thats been so all consuming for me, I don’t usually watch things while they air because I tend to forget about remembering to watch them after a week or so? But Magicians keeps pulling me back and keeping me in.

As for ongoing canon developments, it really depends on the thing. If it fits into my plot of it’s a detail I want to put in, I might, but otherwise I’m comfortable lifting what I want from canon and throwing the rest out for a fic - we follow a show with canon multiverses, we can do what we want lmao.

What has been the most challenging fic for you to write?

Honestly, most of my fics? Because I try to improve every time I write and like, explore new things. So whatever I’m working on at the time is the most challenging.

Are there any themes or tropes that you particularly like to explore in your writing?

EVERYONE BEING HAPPY AND NOTHING BAD HAPPENING EVER cough cough I mean, um. I like meta, I like worldbuilding and exploring meta and seeing what I can change. I keep accidentally writing soulmate fics? So that’s a trend I guess.

Are there any writers that inspire your work? Fanfiction or otherwise?

Oh heck, so many dude, I don’t even know, I’m gonna just link you to my bookmarks because that’s the fic I love and probably unconsciously imitate on the often

As for nonfic, like I def want to write like Marisha Pessl or Tamora Pierce or Donna Tartt or Lev Grossman or Mark Z Danielewski but more in his house of leaves phase than his current stuff tbh or Neil Gaiman and also like. Everything that you read or watch or experience makes up how you see the world and how you create what you create and I consume so much stuff I can’t even begin to guess my influences beyond the little tidbits that I keep in my bookmarks or on my shelves.

What are you currently reading? Fanfiction or otherwise?

Currently I’m reading a lot of harry potter fic - the mood is the department of mysteries or other exploration of magic, so things related to that. HP fic is my go to when I’m not revving for any fandom in particular. Nonfic, I’m working my way through Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, which is hella fucking good, as well as a bajillion textbooks.

What is the most valuable piece of writing advice you’ve ever been given?

Fuck canon do what you want

Cringe time:

Are there any words or phrases you worry about over using in your work?

Yes but now that you ask can I remember any? Nope.

What was the first fanfic that you wrote? Do you still have access to it?

Oh shit dude I don’t even know. The earliest one I can remember was this like, post twilight self insert fic where the cullens came to my middle school for some reason? I barely finished the intro of it iirc but it might still be in my stack of papers in my old room somewhere.

Rapid Fire Round:

Self-edit or Beta? Beta (always get a beta kids! They’re worth their weight in gold)

Comments or Kudos/Reblogs or Likes? Comments!! (please, leave me comments, i live for them)

Smut, Fluff or Angst? fluff

Quick & Dirty or Slow Burn? Slow burn

Favourite season? All?????? Dont make me choose

Favourite episode? Im stuck between life in a day or all that josh

Favourite book(The Magicians books)? Probably book 2, i love seeing julia’s side of things and exploring hedge magic

Three favourite words? BUTTS, lore, hearth

Want to be interviewed for our author spotlight? Get in touch here.

[pikadotnet]

Passion Is The Power

At First When You Don't Succeed...

17年09月02日 - 5:19 PM EST | So...when we last left off there was a promise of trying to be more "timely" and "proactive" on posting and round-about just getting stuffs done.  Well...*hides under a rock*...in my um...*looks around shyly*...ummm, in my defense...(if I even have one?)...I have been proactive but just in ways that you all can't actually see.  ﾟ. :｡(*´ｪ`*)ﾟ. :｡  So, let me explain a bit if I may?  Shortly after we left off last, I had a TERRIBLE ear ache that knocked me down and out.  Being down and out stinks for anyone, but it really, REALLY offset my whole balance.  So...I started to think really hard about HOW exactly I would accomplish the tasks I set out to accomplish; like making sure I was able to post on a more consistent basis, right...remember that?  Wellllll...that's when I started making a list at work of things that were keeping me from being able to accomplish this task.  Here's what I came up with:

Catching up and completing assignments at work

Finding time (while still awake) to sit down at my computer

Focusing on the task of writing a post

My wonderful furry and spiky family members (2 Dogs / 1 Cat / 1 Hedgehog)

Finding media to complement my post ideas

Realization that Instagram / Facebook / Twitter would all suffer if I spent my time just writing

Spending time and catching up with loved ones like friends and family

Monthly bills and stretching money to last (currently achieving PRO level BOOYAH!!! lol) 

Desire to just be a little lazy-log-loaf

A little game called Pokémon GO

So, of course I realized that some of these things just can't be helped.  Things like work, taking care of my furry and spiky family members, friends, family, and stretching money to pay bills and do life-stuff (something I like to commonly refer to as adulting) just cannot be ignored.  Can I just say...and for the record...ADULTING TOTALLY SUCKS!!!  (๐•̆ ·̭ •̆๐)

But out of all this list making and chronic complaining (sometimes I whine ok...sometimes I can be a TOTAL PAIN LOL just ask any of my friends) something really, REALLY good came out of it!  ✧◝( ◠‿◠ )◜✧˖°  I found that I was living in total chaos while mundane tasks in life were truly dragging me down and wearing on me in ways I hadn't really fully comprehended or maybe didn't want to accept?  Well...that all ended as soon as my ear ache cleared up!  By the way, THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH for all your wishes to feel better soon!  That really made me smile and helped me to feel better, so...THANK YOU!!! *GIANT HUGS WHILE SQUEEZING TIGHTLY*  Sooooooo, after getting all better and catching up somewhat at work I decided that I could either give up, or fight!  I gave my mommy-chu a call (something I commonly do because my mommy and I are super close *waves happily* I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!) and she told me, "Pika...I've known you a long time sweetie...and I know that not only do you have this...you'll find a way to fight and achieve even MORE than you originally hoped."  I asked her, "You really think so?"  Even though she lives thousands of miles away, I could feel that smile and it warmed my heart.  NOTHING is better than when you FEEL the love from your family, and my mother means THE WORLD to me!  Then, my brother, who means more to me than he'll prolly ever know (YES YOU!!! *sticks tongue out and makes a face*) commented that, "if you just find a balance, I know you'll be fine.  Don't worry so much!  Your problem Pika is that you overthink everything and make it more complicated than it needs to be."  I thought about that and realized, as much as I didn't want to, he was right.  Can I stop for a second and just say how much it BOTHERS me that he is like, ALWAYS right!!!  -_-#  UGH!!  I love him to pieces and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him, but it wears on me when I hear him say something, and as much as I may deny it...he's...always...(annoyingly) right...  Well...I decided something needed to be done.  I didn't want to walk away from everything I had started, and push away everything that I fought so hard for.  I want so desperately to find a balance between life / work / social / blog / and storefront (soon to be revisited and opened).  My brother was right, somehow I just needed to heed the infamous Nike slogan and "Just Do It" but in a way that wouldn't topple me over and make those things I want so badly feel like a chore instead of a pleasure.  Why am I sharing all this with you, you ask?  Well, I do care about you internet-readers out there that actually take the time and read my posts.  I LOVE YOU ALL MORE THAN YOU KNOW!!!!  I figured that if anyone out there ever has struggled or may currently be struggling with the same things I am right now that possibly sharing my approach with you all could help someone out there?  Well, after reflecting on what my mother and brother told me, thats when I think I found a solution (maybe?) !

Passion Drives Everything

The heading says it all doesn't it?  LOL  My secret weapon?  Passion.  Some may say structure is key, others have told me scheduling, or planning.  All of those things are nice, but without a drive, a reason, a cause, or simply put...passion...they're kinda...worthless?  ^_^;;  So, my best advice to anyone in this situation is to evaluate, or re-evaluate in my case, your passion.  Sometimes your original goal changes and morphs into something else!  Sometimes its bigger!  Sometimes, sadly passion just fades, and thats okay too, ya know?  Well...in my particular case, my passion hasn't faded but its kinda taken a backseat to life at the moment.  The "backseat-ing" of my passion has become kinda apparent sadly, but I think this was the best thing to happen to me.  The stopgap of time has allowed me to reflect a lot and truly realize how important this endeavor of love (this website and social media outlets) is to me and how starved it has become by letting it sit like it has for far too long.

One of the analogies I like to draw upon when considering whether or not I am giving enough attention to a passion of mine is this:  Is my passion my acquaintance, my friend or my child?  If my passion is my  "acquaintance" than I suppose like an actual acquaintance I would give my time briefly and be polite, but the truth really is that an acquaintance doesn't get terribly too much attention, right?  (・'v`・)？？  What about a friend?  Some might argue that people give more attention to friends than their own children but in this case, lets say that that's NOT the case, ok?  XD  In the same fashion as a comparable to an acquaintance, a friend would get more attention and dedication, and one might even say some tender love and care.  Children are different though.  Children would require nurturing and compassion, and when those very rare moments occur (or at least we aim for rare) when children fail or are lost without direction, they turn to their parents, right?  So, in this analogy, if you were the parent of your passion; the one...true...dedicated...controller of this little one's fate...don't you owe it to your passion to plant seeds towards its success?  Maybe thats the answer then?  If you truly own your passion and make it yours, can anything really stop you?  Would anything stop you as a parent if something were to happen to your child?  In this new light, it gave great perspective to my situation.  A perspective I can honestly say allowed me to see the flaws of my "parenting" and a call to ensure my "child" receives the attention it truly deserves.  I can start by committing real definable goals to my "child" and seeing where that takes me.  In order to do this, I'm gonna have to consider how to fit everything in and find ways to make things easier while still keeping my promises to my "child". 

A Solution At Long Last (Maybe?)

So the challenge seems SO much clearer now:  How do I commit to my passion while making it feel less like a chore but still giving it the dedication it deserves and needs?  The answer is less clear but at least now with the challenge defined it allows what others have suggested to start falling into place.  Once you make the choice and can commit fully to your passion, the rest seems to be semantics and details.  To try and aide me on this journey I decided to take a leap of faith and gave in and bought a shiny new iPad Pro(hibitor) to hopefully help make the issue of pulling out my computer a tad easier?  The thought was that if I could write posts with the Apple iOS device, maybe it would help at least provide a way for posts to get written at a faster and more steady rate than relying on when I pull out my computer.  Honestly, I think the only reason that pulling out my computer currently causes "Lazy-Loaf Syndrome" (LOL) is because my work, personal email and website data is also stored across this system?  Also, I think that having an interface where I don't have to work with media and can just write might actually be a HUGE benefit and help with one of those other issues...focus.  UGH!  Me and my ADHD can get pretty bad, but as the first post written entirely on the iPad Pro (before being edited on my Apple MacBook Pro) I have to say that the only thing I personally feel that I have to work on now is my ability to write quicker!  LOL  XD  Honestly though, I think this might actually be a big part of the solution that I needed.  LETS HOPE SO!!!  *Fingers crossed*

Signed with love, compassion, and sincere desire for change,

ピカさん

[spookys-ventblog]

alright you know im gonna be honest, today fucking sucked. it sucked so badly that I’ve blacked out for the most part and have been slammed on autopilot since shit went down. I haven’t really wanted to talk about it or hear those involved or there talk about it. I don’t want to see statuses, vague posts or side conversations about it. it is personal. but, I have to talk about it and even though I don’t feel 100% safe sharing feelings on this blog, I’m just gonna let myself go and rant.

So, today started when me waking up at 5 in the morning. I felt great. I could not believe it. I was refreshed, I showers and I was in a good mood. I mean, I was majorly anxious because I had to see my therapist, but I get anxious going anywhere so that was normal. Nonetheless, I was feeling OK. 

I go to see my therapist, actually bring up some big issues and badda bing badda boom I find out I have ADHD. I had been told many times in the past to get checked for it or whatever, but even if I tended to agree with what people said, I never believed anyone. I never even believed myself when I did research on the subject even though every list or thing I read about it was 1000000% me and had been since before I can remember. With him telling me this, I now believe it for sure and in the moment it was relief. I finally knew why I couldn’t pay attention, why I got angry when people pushed me out of focus(aka tapping, poking, slapping me trying to get my attention when I am doing something becos i am FINALLY focusing on something and now youve gone and pulled me away from it), why i get so angry in general, my mood swings, my memory problems and tons of other stuff. 

I felt better. I felt like I finally knew what was wrong with me. My therapist said many times that I should not feel bad or weird for having ADHD(he has it as well) and walking out I was confident and happy. I was excited to share that HEY I KNOW WHAT MY DEAL IS!! I KNOW!!! LOOK AT THIS!!! I HAVE ADHD!!! LOOK AT ME!!! I FINALLY KNOW!!! 

to cut things short i let the news out at home and BAM at first it was okay. at first i was like oh, cool, everyone has noticed. guess ive had this from a young age, no matter everything has always been so hard for me. School is a big one, like damn I could not do shit in school. Taking notes was out, paying attention to lessons was out, reading things was out, writing things was out, everything was out. If only I had known sooner maybe school life would have been easier, but back to everything.

Apparently I was a mean little child, which is apparently how people in the house knew I had ADHD and have known for like forever. Now, I knew this. I knew I was a mean, demon of a child, but I had always been told funny stories about me being a misbehaving toddler who liked to hit people. But this, hah well 

No one follows this blog and if anyone lurks on it, Im sure you know that I love calling myself a terrible person. I love to sit here and remember every terrible thing ive done. people ive been mean to, people ive bullied, people ive left heart broken and people ive broken in general. ive done so many things i regret, so many things that eat away at me becos i just want to be cool and not a target(all of this made me a target anyways). This fucked me up even more.

The fact is that she would not stop about it. She would not stop about how terrible i was. How badly i picked on the other kids. How evil I was. Now, I came home to share the news of relief and knowledge and when I was told that you knew, I expected you to have noticed that I couldn’t pay attention or my memory or how I fidget or zone out. No, you held onto this thing. You held so tightly onto it.

Like, I was warned I guess beforehand, but I trust you. Trusted you. And, i do that often. I do that all the time. Maybe i trust too much. Thats just who I am. Thats why I get hurt. Thats how I got abandonment issues. Thats why i need constant validation and affection. trust has fucked me over so many times that ive had to pretend NOT to be paranoid. Ive had to pretend not to be afraid to go to bed at night becos maybe in the morning everyone is gonna be gone with all their belongings and just leaving me here by myself. I have nightmares. day dreams. anxiety attacks. Every little angry or annoyed or frustrated voice whether it is aimed at me or not makes my go into a full blown panic becos ON NO IVE DONE IT ITS GONE EVERYONE IS GONNA LEAVE

i have lost my trust in every single thing and person. every single one and im sorry about that. im really sorry i trust no one but its funny becos i do trust you. i trusted you with this information, but you took it as a chance to bring up my childhood, a thing I CANT EVEN REMEMBER as well as a big ol “glad you werent born a boy” which is just lovely. just beautiful.

after a day where you called me by the name i like

after you said you were happy having a boy or a girl

that you were lucky becos you had both

im not angry with you. youre important to me and i dont want anyone talking badly about you. it frustrates me to no end. i dont know why. maybe i want you to seem better than you are or maybe im trying to force myself to forget every little thing. becos thats what ive done my entire life. thats how ive dealt with everything.

but i want my business to be my business. it is mine. i dont want it to be talked about, i dont want to see, hear or talk about it. i want to forget today. i want to forget my therapy appointment. i want to go back to the time where i DIDNT know what was wrong with me and ya know thats shitty, but thats how i work. it was better when i just knew about the anxiety, paranoia and depression. it was so much better becos at least them i was suddenly being talked about as some evil demon who was terrible to people and got into tons of trouble

like i know, okay? sure, i dont remember my childhood hardly, but i know im bad. I know. Ive always knowns and Im constantly reminded. 

and ya know its hurts. it hurts becos im stubborn. it huirts becos i want to be comforted but i dont want it to seem like things get to me. i want people to tell me its okay and that im not terrible and fucking shit. i dont want to seek attention and validation so badly that it LITERALLY hurts. ..i dont want help even tho i know i need it. i want to be stronger and bigger. i want to be tougher and ya know? thats why i was so shitty in school. besides over sexualizing myself to keep people around, i was mean to people becos idk maybe if i was meaner no one would fuck with me. obviously that didnt work and it still doesnt work

but sometimes, especially today, i feel like everyone wants to make me out as some sort of monster. and i am getting very close to just saying; fine, you want a monster? ill give you one

but i wont do that. becos i want to get better and i want to be a good person, even tho i believe it will never ever happen

just.....why did you have to demonize me when i was obviously so happy to know what was wrong with me? i was excited to tell you that i have this thing that explains my quirks...

this is honestly why i never tell anyone anything. interests, feelings, the things im still hiding from everyone...every time a open my mouth about myself it feels like no one cares, no one hears, no ones interested and if they are its usually to tear me down. its always to tear me down