#thats where my mind is at lately

[dulcesiabits]

sorry for being attached to violence as a form of love AND love as the ultimate form of violence guys it will happen again....sometimes love is the worst thing you can do to someone... sometimes a bite is a kiss....

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

this is how it feels to chew 5 gum being a barnaby/howdy enjoyer. im Unwell

[puppyeared]

Jitterbug

[liquidstar]

a friend who'd wait :)

[redysetdare]

Everytime people find out I'm aroace they ask "do you not love your family!?" And Ive always answered "yes ofc I do" but now I'm not to sure.

Love is a difficult word and feeling for me. It's always been something forced upon me by people who werent very loving or caring. It was expected of me to love.

I don't know if I do love. It's something I'm worried of saying definitely because I worry I'm wrong but...

No I don't think I love my family. They didn't act in a way that showed love to me. I was told how they hurt me was love. If that is love then I do not want it.

I don't know if I can ever say "I love you" to people. It seems wrong. What if it's not love. No, I just care for them. I don't think love has anything to do with it.

The only thing I think I've ever said I've loved that was genuine was my cat. She meant the world to me. I miss her.

I don't think I experience love like other people. My emotions are difficult and confusing. Putting words to them even more so. But even if I don't feel love I think it's ok. I'm finding happiness without it.

[greenlaut]

today i discover that i can draw the interior of a hospital room and details of IV drips almost fully from memory with astonishing accuracy

[creativebrainrot]

Open Journal Entry

Little note that I talk about my worst self-worth, I think is an apt name, issues in depth so please don't read if you can't stomach that at this time. Take care of yourself.

I recently identified with more precise words why the holiday season affects me like it does. Most of the things I've had to or wanted to unlearn, I've had a decent idea of where to start. My social anxieties were easy because growing up, before the pain of my situation really took hold in my mind I was already really sociable. So, Do It Scared worked, more than well enough. I've been able to slowly learn how to walk myself through and out of my own trauma responses, I think they are? and my bad headspaces. I've been able to reason myself out of the worst of my headspaces better and better lately. But there's one pain, one trauma, that I haven't a single idea where to start with unlearning on my own. Have you ever had something you "knew" down to your very core, that was so painful it felt like somewhere along the line someone had ripped a part of your very soul out? "I am not worthy." "I am not wanted." "I will be abandoned and left behind eventually, that is a promise. That is the inevitable." "I cannot be loved, not truly." These are laws, set-in-stone truths, so deep-set within the fabric of Myself, that I would believe it if I was told I couldn't unlearn these things. You, reading this, might think that I'm exaggerating. I am not. These are truths of the world to me; Even the most good-hearted kind and forgiving soul in the world would eventually become bored of me. I would eventually be worthy of abandoning. Now I know none of this is, objectively, true. For me however it is an inevitable unchangeable truth, and I am deserving of every bit of maltreatment I named. I haven't the slightest idea where to start, on my own, with any of this. The holiday season makes these issues so much louder. During the holidays I feel like a stray left out in the cold on a snowy street, passing by all the warm lit houses filled with family, and love. Community. I am on the outside, abandoned and unwanted. It's hard to deal with and I prefer to ignore christmas & december because of it. I prefer to be alone. Self-soothing. and then in the minor annoyance category, there's so many "BUY! BUY! BUY!" advertisements and general "People Are Happy Right Now! Tis The Season!" attitude that just, irritates me deeply. It's not the worst of it but it doesn't exactly help regardless. I have dealt with all of these feelings as far back as I can remember. Even when I didn't have words for it, even when I understood it less I still felt it. It's nice that I DO have friends and community now, this is the first year of that, actually. This time of year though my headspace becomes, unkind anyway. I wish I could logic and reason out of it but I can't. The holidays just hurt. Thanksgiving is atleast nothing to me- it doesn't hurt, it doesn't really feel at all. November is just an autumn month to me. I wish december could feel the same; my dad's birthday is on the ninth. I knew my holiday depression this year would be worse than ever before- and I have been able to distract myself from some of it with our moving house, but it still hurts, a lot.

There's a void I cannot fill inside my soul. Where I should be able to believe that I, matter? Am worthy? Could ever be wanted, by anyone. A place where I should believe I could be someone's favorite person. But instead, that place is a void. I wish it were an empty void atleast, but no. This void is filled with the sorrowful, accepting, understanding tears of an unloved child that forgives for the still-bleeding wounds she never should've had to bear. Pained acceptance of any abandonment, for it was always to happen, it's not your fault, it's mine. I am unlovable afterall, you shouldn't have wasted your time on me, I never deserved it. You were always meant to give up on me, I forgive you, it's just how the cycle always ends, you're not to blame, for I was always unworthy. There is a void in my soul, I'm not sure I can sew it back up. How do you get back what you surely never even had? At least I can be there for myself, I can tend to the void and love it, I am the only one that will never leave me, afterall. ^ that's what it's like. I have to speak poetically, it's the only thing that explains it properly. Nothing else is accurate. If you read all that thanks for listening to me ramble, I guess lmao. I don't want you worrying about me too much. I've lived like this for over two decades, and may live the rest of my life with my little void. I don't mind if that's the case. I've learnt to manage my feelings & headspaces better recently. All I really want is for the holidays to be nothing but another month. The month of my dad's birthday & winter. Nothing more. It's nothing new, which isn't a comforting thought- but at the very least, it's familiar. Bittersweet, the familiarity of abuse's aftermath. But familiar is still both "safe" and manageable. Again, if you read all of that 1. Sorry, I don't like the thought of upsetting others, or others worrying about me. 2. Thanks. It's nice to have somewhere to get my thoughts out. I had to hide all of myself for ages. I don't have to do that anymore unless I want to. It's nice.

[margle]

you would think that the fake kiss on stage would make me think of deetress possibilities but no. it was too playful and happy. that was not a deetress kiss. deetress would either kiss with the harrowed desperation of milfs or with a kind of fragile mediocrity.

[i-mode]

last rb related i keep thinking about how like a dream come true couldve singlehandedly made me a persona fan at age 8 if i managed to find out its name earlier

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

EEPY

[queenburd]

been quietly thinking a lot about how I'm getting into my later 20s, but I never really feel like I became an adult? or maybe that's not an accurate statement, because I have adult responsibilities and I deal with a lot of complexities in the world and I can take on hard issues with more maturity than I could at 19, but.

I never really feel like I'm acting like a "proper adult". like there's a respect level I give to the adults around me that I don't expect to be given to me.

maybe some of that is trauma, because I STILL joke about leaning towards fictional parental figures to take care of me, because I need that emotional comfort. another thing I've been grappling with is this weird desperate urge to have someone who I Feel Is A Proper Adult tell me that they are proud of me. That I, a kid, am doing a good job. And I don't get that, because a) that's not a thing people really actually do, it's actually weirdly rare for people to say "I'm Proud Of You" (hey uh is this just me and a result of my trauma) and b) I am not actually a kid!! "Adultier Adults" aren't really a thing?

So why do I still feel like I never achieved the milestone of "Adult"?

Yeah, yeah, we can joke about imposter syndrome all we like, but I genuinely feel like I missed something. Like I'm not worthy of the respect of the adults around me, who somehow, in my head, are "older" and "real adults", who have authority and responsibility and power.

man. this doesn't make sense, does it?

what do I know, anyway. I'm only 27. I still feel like a kid.

[possiblytracker]

damn. i really thought i already had the "youre probably never going to see any of your uni friends again after you move out this really and truly is the end of the most vibrant and healthy irl social life youve ever had. and likely will ever have again" breakdown done and shelved but i spent today hanging out with a few friends from my course who are leaving this week to say goodbye and i dont. know how to process it completely. im trying to make the most of everything while im still here but every interaction feels so bittersweet it's genuinely gnawing at me

[skeletalheartattack]

More kazooieposting because why not. What's your favourite stage theme?

let's see... with kazooie, it's probably clankers cavern because i just really like clanker. he's so cool and i like hanging out with him.

with tooie, while i feel like it's everyones favourite, it's gotta be witchy world. it's just such a fun world overall that it's hard to pick anything else.

[silverislander]

prof said congrats for writing up a proposal so early i am going to get a good grade in. well this is literally going to be graded. but yk the meme

[spaghettiandart]

Hello! I’m a recent follower, and I really love your Old Man Phil AU. I was wondering, does Phil ever realize that he was a racist, genocidal zealot who was going to be responsible for a *lot* of deaths on the Day of Unity? If so, how does he feel when he remembers? You don’t have to answer this if your ask box is super full, or if you just don’t want to.

Hey! Sorry for taking a while to get back to this post, it's been a while since I've watched TOH and my interest in the au has died down. But I have thought about how a possible reveal like this would go, though since the au was mostly for laughs (and so I could relentlessly bully Belos) I didn't put much in depth thought into it.

I do love to ramble, though, so let me ramble a bit about how I'd like to portray "the reveal" in the au

Since this is a early season 1 au, a LOT of things are obviously diverging from canon, too many to really write down right now. Thered be different events entirely from canon, things that occurred as a catalyst of either Belos's actions or the actions or people associated with him would either not occur at all or occur differently, so the timeline is definitely going to look a lot different.

That said, I think having Phil realize/remember who he was/is should happen around... maybe mid-to-late season 2? I mean like. I don't know how exactly itd go. Maybe he falls down another set of stairs, wakes up, and goes "HOLY SHIT" like right after

I feel like itd be a huge tonal whiplash. Also itd be like... okay, so memories do shape a person, and the new memories "Phil" forms shapes him. So I imagine if/when the old memories comes back, there's a definite conflict of priorities/moral values going on there. I mean I imagine inherently Belos/Philip is an incredibly selfish person with a list of crimes several miles long, BUT he also believes that everything he's doing is the right thing (for whom, whether it be himself or humanity or whatever season 3 revealed, is up in the air) even when he takes enjoyment from the suffering of others during the process (literally just count any of the times hes hurt someone else in the show) like hes so full of himself it physically hurts, so obviously he'd probably try to rationalize everything to himself. Because I imagine having the willpower to keep on doing shit like that for CENTURIES takes a BUNCH of rationalization and leaps of logic, especially since hes a zealot who grew up within heavily religious and I imagine almost cultish surroundings.

I imagine denial. HEAVY denial. Imagine one day you're just some old dude with a mildly shitty attitude and then the next day you wake up and remember your entire past life where you were a racist, genocidal, puritanical tyrant that had extended his own life by unnatural means and also killed his own brother and did WHAT with his body and also is planning to Literally Murder Everyone. What do you even do in that situation?

I dont think hed be able to look anyone in the eye at all after learning that. A) because these are people past-him wanted to MURDER, and B) because a very decent part of him, after having regained those memories, still feels the ingrained hate and vitriol it once had towards witches.

Its strange to think of where hed go from that point, because you'd have to take into account both his older personality and his newer personality and the morals, memories, relationships, etc both past him and current him had, since they'd all affect what hed do.

But basically: a whole mix of emotions including guilt (at the whole murder and being a terrible human being thing like seriously awful), rage (at losing his memories in the first place), even more rage (at having "played house" with witches and demons), denial, denial, and more denial.

[freakystrashdump]

Also as I am writing the new TOB chapter, I had to flesh out some stuff since Odalia and Alador make an apearance, and my headcanon I wrote down is almot completely correct.

Seeing my boys in the finale, I love that my headcanon for what happened between Alador and Darius is probably right, aka the thing that happened was Odalia.