#the adhd and depression are getting to me

[damagedcoda6669]

how did youknow youbhad bpd? what were the main "symptoms" ?? soryif it comes off as personal or uncomfy you dont hsveto answer

(im rlly rlly rlly autistic abt bpd PREPARE 4 AN ENTIRE BIBLE ABT HOW I DISCOVERED I HAD IT)

ive exhibited symptoms of bpd my entire life (it usually starts 2 present in childhood or early adulthood, it comes from childhood abuse/neglect) i only started 2 notice something was wrong in my tweens/early teens, when malachi became my favorite person and every1 was calling me mentally ill and weird and obsessive. ive known my entire life i was neurodivergent (first started therapy at 6 or 7, diagnosed with bipolar + autism + adhd + depression + anxiety RLLY early on) but there was something else that felt wrong 2 me. at that age i didnt rlly know what 2 search 4 or who 2 talk 2, so i just went on google and searched "love disorders" and obsessive love disorder came up (which isnt even in the DSM iirc) and i posted on google plus saying i likely had that and was shot down IMMEDIATELY 4 "self diagnosing" so i didnt revisit it again until a few years later.

after my breakup in 2021 i felt like it hurt WAY MORE than was normal. i stumbled across a video abt bpd during that time period and it resonated with me way 2 much. im impulsive, i have angry outbursts, im constantly suicidal, i self harm, i have extreme mood swings, i dont know who i am and ive always just mirrored other ppl, i dissociate, i have black and white thinking, i view ppl as all good or all bad and i split, i have consistently unstable relationships, i get attached 2 ppl more than i should be, and i have a paralyzing, nauseating fear of abandonment. i have every symptom in the diagnostic criteria.

i brought up the possibility of me having bpd with my mom i think (i had no one else 2 go 2 becuz all of my friends abandoned me and my parents took away my internet access) and i was shot down again, with my mom saying the CLASSIC "(insert family member) has bpd and shes crazy. ur normal. stop pretending theres something wrong with u. if u had bpd u'd be vindictive and petty and evil. do u think ur those things?"

once i figured out how 2 get my internet access back, maryland dude forced the bpd label on2 me becuz he wanted 2 explain my "abusive" behaviors (he was abusing me but tried 2 gaslight me in2 thinking i had a victim complex and that it was the other way around) and i became uncomfortable with the label becuz he made it seem like if i had bpd then i was a bad person. i continued researching the disorder becuz it still resonated with me even though i was now insecure abt it.

i became comfortable with the label again after he abandoned me, and i brought it up with my therapist. my therapist would HEAVILY DENY that i had bpd, telling me that "if u had bpd u would be attempting suicide 4 attention" "u fit the diagnostic criteria but ur autistic so all of ur symptoms can just be attributed 2 autism srry" "ive had clients with bpd and if u were like them u wouldve had an outburst in my office and be yelling at me by now" and she would even smile at me whenever i brought up my bpd becuz she thought it was funny that i thought i had it, i think. the first time i brought it up with her she told me "its rlly irresponsible 2 self diagnose after reading liek two articles online abt some extreme disorder becuz u think ur broken. ur not broken. dont self diagnose with bpd" and i had to EXPLAIN 2 HER that i wasnt self diagnosing and that id researched it in depth 4 years actually and that she was making assumptions. horribly ableist towards ppl with cluster b disorders, this is a MASSIVE RED FLAG but i didnt switch therapists becuz i was still living with my parents at this point and i felt out of control in every aspect of my life 4 this reason, i didnt even see switching therapists as an option.

then in 2023, while i was homeless, i got evaulated by a psychiatrist. i discussed my bpd with him and finally got diagnosed. i told my therapist i was diagnosed with bpd and she said something like "well im not always gonna be able 2 catch everything" BUT I WAS TELLING U ABT MY BPD 4 MONTHS!!!!! so glad i dont have that therapist anymore but now i dont have one at all, so liek.. hrmmm >:c

im gonna end this by saying.. self diagnosis is valid!!! its so hard 2 get a bpd diagnosis becuz its so demonized and stigmatized, that even those in the mental health system r ableist towards the disorder and those who have it. diagnosis is not always an option with disorders like bpd, and thats so frustrating. its so hard 2 find help becuz every1 thinks ur crazy. but ur not crazy!!! i love all my fellow bpders, i know how agonizing and it is 2 live this tormented life. if u suspect u have bpd, the bpd community welcomes u and supports u!!! and i do 2 :3

[bitchesgetriches]

hi bitches. i'm a 21 year old chronically ill girlfailure who doesn't have a driver's license and is almost completely reliant on my parents. i've been burnt out from school after a bout of severe depression which worsened my adhd symptoms as well as my dysautonomia

my dad got me a personal finance book for christmas once and i lost it. i'm admittedly a bit skeptical of personal finance spheres because so many of the people in there are usually geared toward cishet grindset attitude grifter type men.

anyway, my question is, how do i start building up a foundation for personal finance? how do i get a job as someone with a disability (and apparently a personality that bosses hate)?

This is SO weirdly coincidental, but... my dad once got me a personal finance book too (it was Dave Ramsey and it deserved to be stabbed and burned) and "cishet grindset attitude grifter type men" is literally the opposite of our target demographic!

Anyway, I feel you baby. While we don't have all the answers, we're slowly working our way there. Which is why we have a lot of advice for you over on our main site, broken down by topic. But I think you should probably start here:

The Financial Order of Operations: 10 Great Money Choices for Every Stage of Life 

How To Start at Rock Bottom: Welfare Programs and the Social Safety Net 

Good luck, honey. We're rooting for you.

Did we just help you out? Join our Patreon!

[mayhem-moth]

Adhd is still not a very accepted disorder guys. Neither is autism or anxiety or depression. The key thing is that society accepts you when you don't appear nuerodivergent or can pass it off just enough to appear "quirky". Or when its watered down a into consumable content for tiktok and media. I started doing well only when I could mask enough. Thats the truth. And masking is tiring. I feel very removed from myself sometimes.

Have enough panic attacks due to anxiety and people do not want to be around you and you are seen as a problem child. Adhd makes school harder? Oh you just don't care. Having to mask your emotions because people don't actually accept you when your difficult enough. It is so fucking tiring. And people look down on you too. And thats the worst. And its even worse with the stereotyping. Adhd is hard and it does affect. I need people to stop trying to tell me that I just need to try harder okay? I KNOW. IM TIRED OF FINDING CONTENT FOR ADHD THAT ACTUALLY AFFIRMS ME AND MAKES ME FEEL LIKE LESS OF A FAILURE ONLY TO HAVE ONE OF THE FIRST COMMENTS BE SHIT LIKE " OH EVERYONE FEELS LIKE THAT YOUR JUST LAZY". I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE THIS WAY. I HAVE SO MUCH I WANT TO DO AND I KNOW IM LETTING PEOPLE DOWN OKAY? Im tired of walking around and having shame build up throughout the day because of every little thing I couldn't bring myself to do or just forgot. And i need people to know that it is still a struggle and that people won't accept these things when it actually affects you or others. The fact is that every single one of us is treated bad in different infinitely complicated ways and nobody needs to bring down the struggles with these disorders to get theirs taken seriously. Cause none of any of this is okay and we should all be working together.

Btw I do not have autism and cannot speak for autistic experiences

[depression-napping]

As someone with a chronic condition, I find Vincent to be especially relatable and honestly such a relief as a character.

I’m curious how many other Vincent fans also feel this way. If you feel comfortable, you can vote in the poll.

Edit: Chronic depression/anxiety/ADHD count as a chronic condition. It can be mental or emotional, not just physical pain.

My personal feelings under the cut.

When I first fell in love with him, I didn’t have a chronic condition yet, but his entry into my life rather coincided with the onset of it and shaped how I felt about it.

For many years, I blamed myself for my condition (which I later learned is genetic, incurable, and worsens with age), wondering what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t just get over it. I felt that I had missed so many opportunities, failed to accomplish countless goals, because I had to spend so much time isolated in a dark, quiet room to avoid making my migraines worse, recovering from the pain and side effects of the medication. Unable to do anything but wait for it to be over. (Edit: Depression/anxiety/mood swings are also part of my condition, it’s not just physical pain!)

So many protagonists are exhausting tropes of “never give up!!!!” and ridiculous heroism.

But there is often the depressing reality of the situation where difficult things happen and they can’t be changed, no matter what you do. You just have to deal with it. Or sometimes the pain is so great, you can’t deal with it. Sometimes your only realistic option is to take a 30 year depression nap.

I feel like he would understand constant pain and exhaustion because it’s his reality, too. He wouldn’t be like, just get over it, it’s all in your head. Even though my pain is nothing compared to what he has been through, I feel like he would just understand.

He is honestly my reminder that this is/was not a waste of time. Resting is a necessary part of healing and staying in balance, especially when your body sometimes feels like your enemy. And I should not have to apologize for it.

[jakey-beefed-it]

So ages ago I was diagnosed as "type 2" bipolar, which presents as "major depression for long periods of time" and "shorter, less intense mania" literally called "hypomania." Which, okay, I guess that described me in my 20s when my life was falling apart, right? But not perfectly, and brains change as you get older, so who knows.

And so, it's been so long since I had a manic phase that I legit was starting to think "Nah, I'm just a regular depressive who sometimes gets ADHD hyperfocus and knocks out a bunch of creative projects" but uhhh here we are again. Mood's a bit wobbly but energy level is high. Higher than I'd like. Uncomfortably high.

You know, manic.

[daftdrac]

I just did. A school project we were given TWO MONTHS to do. In one night. It took seven hours and I currently have to wake up in two hours to go to school and turn in said assignment...but legit I didn't think I was gonna be able to pull that off. I hate myself for procrastinating that long. I even had an hour long mental breakdown in the middle of working on it and just got back up and started working again. Bad part: it's a presentation and last time I spoke in front of the class I started crying halfway through and almost couldn't finish because my voice was too quiver-y lmao so UH. WISH ME LUCK. I'm gonna go to bed cause it's literally like 5 a.m. rn I'm so tired everything hurts,,, ,

[t4t4t]

Idk new post bc the last lost traction, no donations in a week. We need 450 for the rest of February, 450 for a deposit, and 950 for March, 50 for the rest of the utilities. We were homeless since Aug 2020 excepting 4 different months whose places fell through for various reasons, have to get rid of the van we were living in because it's falling apart, Collie got FFS December 28th, she's recovering well and maybe could do something with a car if we had a better car, given her ability to drive. I still haven't found much work but I'm still looking. Anything helps.

paypal.me/NoraEstherRose

venmo: nora-esther-rose

venmo: Leah-Esther-Rose

[willows-woes]

disabled mfs when their disability disables them: 🤯🤯🤯

[scificrows]

i like to make fun of murderbot for being all "i hate everyone, i don't care about anything or anyone, fuck off" while simultaneously caring very much about the people around it and the situations it finds itself in. i love how it "accidentally" ends up caring quite a lot about the friends it makes along the way. but i think something that i tend to forget is that murderbot actively decides to care - at least at some point in its story.

idk, as a person that struggles with depression, this paragraph from artificial condition really resonates with me. prior to all systems red, murderbot had contracts. it had routine and it had protocols. it knew what it had to do to just get by, how to perform so no one would notice it had disabled its governor module. it was deeply depressed, yes, but it was functioning (for lack of a better word). in artificial condition, murderbot's routine is gone. it cannot go on in that state of numbly going-from-contract-to-contract, putting in as little effort as possible, consuming media to cope. that option is gone because it escaped (and note that escaping the company was not an active choice, it kinda happened to it). murderbot has two options now: it can either gather all its energy; actively do something new and difficult and distressing; change something in its life and try. or it can let the numbness and the emptiness take over and stop trying. if murderbot wants to survive as a rogue secunit, it has to try. no matter how difficult that is. the wording in that paragraph really hits home for me. the way the non-caring sees an opportunity to slip in and to take over. does murderbot even care? does anything really matter? is anything really worth the hassle? wouldn't it be so much easier to just let your mind slip away a little, to go numb, to be passive, to watch media and wait for things to happen to you? wouldn't it be nice to stop thinking and struggling and feeling complicated things? to stop making an effort? you've been dealing with a lot lately and maybe it's time to just shut down. maybe you'll just take a little break. just slip deeper into this chair and start the show. time flies when you're not paying attention. trying is exhausting. who cares if you don't do the things you wanted to do, you were supposed to do. it'll be fine. let's just ignore those things for now. just let the non-caring take over. just stop thinking. you can deal with the aftermath later. just watch your shows. who cares. but murderbot cares. it decides to care. it decides to fight with all it has and i think that is so brave. and i think in the later books caring is less of an active decision for murderbot. once you start caring, it's easier to keep going than to stop; and murderbot, for all its "i'm a grumpy rogue secunit, leave me alone" behavior, knows just how important caring is. so it's not that it doesn't know what's happening; rather, it lets itself care. tl;dr: caring is not the default for murderbot, it's just the more difficult of two options. and it decides not to take the soft option. it decides to struggle. it decides to care. and so it does.

[learnyouabiology]

Fun Fact: Oilbirds are Basically BatBirds!

I want to talk about these amazing birds:

I love them. I mean, look at their big, shiny eyes! NO ONE can say that they aren’t cute as hell!

The other reason I love these animals is because they’re basically what happens when evolution tries to make a bat out of a bird.

These little guys are known as oilbirds (Steatornis caripensis), and are also called guácharo (and also several other things, because they are found in South America, plus Trinidad & Tobago, which all have INCREDIBLE language diversity). 

Oilbirds are nocturnal, flying around the forests of South America at night looking for fruit to eat. They also live colonially in caves, which they navigate using echolocation.

So, to review:

(I’m making my Generic Bats a very generic fruit bat, for the record).

Oilbirds are the only birds with this combination of traits, which I think is pretty cool of them! Why are they so much like bats? Basically, when different types of animals evolve under similar selective pressures, they often evolve the same features! This is called convergent evolution, and wow I talk about it a lot on this blog! It turns out that nocturnal animals that live in caves and eat fruit can sometimes benefit from traits like these!

(they’re, like... spooky-cute. Cute-spooky? Either way, I like them a lot)

So, if these birds are flying around at night, how do they stop themselves from flying into things while searching for that tasty, tasty fruit?

Well, in the forest, they mostly rely on their AMAZING night vision (which is another trait they share with bats, fyi). That is why they have such big, adorable eyes, which has a lot of light-sensing cells called rods. They actually hold a record for the density of the rods in their eyes: one million per square millimetre. That is the highest density of any known vertebrate. It’s about 6x denser than the rods found in human eyes! 

...still cute

Their amazing vision allows them to see very well in low light, which is how they navigate the South American jungles at night, searching for food under the moon and stars. That said, their vision just doesn’t cut it when it comes to flying in the caves they call home. Why? Well, caves are dark as hell, and even the best night-vision can’t do anything for you when there’s no light at all. Plus, flying into cave walls/ cliff faces hurts, so it’s good to be extra sure you’re not flying into solid rock!

So how do they find their way around these dark caves? Well, they use something very unusual for birds: echolocation!

Oilbirds are one of only a few species of birds that are known to use echolocation (the others are a few species of  the closely-related swiflets (Collocaliini), but I HAVE DECIDED TODAY IS FOR THE OILBIRDS im sorry, swiflets, ilu2).

Look at them, not flying into rocks! I’m so proud (˃̣̣̥ ◡ ˂̣̣̥)

Also, a bonus fact, because idk where to fit this but I MUST mention it:

They have little whiskers around their beaks (which are technically called “rictal bristles”, but I’m going to call them “whiskers” because I like that word better). These whiskers are basically used to feel things that they have in and around their mouth, helping them find, manipulate, and eat their tasty fruit!

...moustache...

This has been Fun Fact Friday!

[windandwater]

Ed + being a whole adhd mood, part 2 (part 1)

note: first, this isn't a diagnosis, only a very familiar pattern. also I know that we have contextual clues to hint that breaking the record was about more than boredom, but. that is such an adhd line.

[taboo-delusion]

So, I just discovered something interesting.

This is a bit of a long one, so bear with me. It's important. Seriously.

I just woke up a few hours ago. My meds are starting to kick in. I was having a very serious and genuine, deep conversation (in-head) and it was... beautiful. It wasn't happy, but it was beautiful. Not the point.

Point is:

I had not had a single fucking intrusive thought today until someone made a noise in the other room.

I am so fucking PISSED OFF

Why my brain refuses to realize that intrusive thoughts CAUSED the good feeling to go away, I have no fucking idea. I've known that for almost a year now, yet my stupid fucking subconscious refuses to change anything it's doing

Before I snap my fucking android phone in half and yeet somebody's face into neptune, I thought I'd share the discovery!!!!

Basically:

MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS DID NOT START UNTIL SOMETHING STARTLED ME OUT OF FOCUS

AS I TYPE THIS, I REALIZE THAT INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS -AT LEAST FOR ADHDERS- ARE A SURVIVAL TACTIC.

Elaborating:

When you fall asleep and your heart slows too much, your body does the falling thing to make sure you're still alive.

It's not that intrusive thoughts are *Just* because your brain gets too quiet, It's because your life has never been completely quite before, or -like me- the few times it is quiet, something interrupts. And even if it doesn't piss you off, even if you don't jump like I do, your brain still registers it as not safe.

--

Falling asleep, heart slows a lot-

Body: *Sends adrenaline just to make sure it still actually works.*

Drowning, even mostly unconscious-

Body and brain: *Hold onto that last half-breath even if it feels like you're head is going to explode.*

Going grocery shopping or talking to someone you think is cool-

Brain: *Remembers what it felt like the first time your guardian was indifferent or mean about something that made you happy or calm.*

Things around you actually get quiet-

Brain *Sends a thought you hate just to make sure you're prepared for a sudden problem.*

TDLR 1: Your brain isn't mean on purpose, It's just paranoid and still has a will to live.

Listen. I know I'm just some random dude from a weird blog. But I'm trying to translate, to assist. Maybe somebody else needs this realization as much as I do. I apologize for the yelling earlier. I'm still just as upset, but only at my dumbass subconscious. Now some time has passed, and I have regained self-control.

(I also apologize for the above paragraph, my brain nags for me to do this, but I can't remember why. So:)

I am no psychologist. Here are my qualifications (why you should listen to me):

As my friends call it- "Disturbingly self-aware at all times."

Paranoid Schizophrenic with actual (unrelated) OCD, with years of experience dealing with it- more healthily in recent years.

Philosophy and deep thinking is simply my default. I use metaphors, but everything in this post is entirely literal, ...except the angry threat. (*begrudgingly accepts disappointment*)

I am a fiction writer. I don't know about healing people/first aid, but I know a LOT about how anatomy works, with many deep-dives on the psychology/evolution side.

People irl generally consider me a genius? Idk how to gauge that, IQ tests are irrelevant with this type of... smart?. I've been compared to both Da Vinci and Einstein. So, ...actually that's pretty fuckin' cool- (I AM NOT TRYING TO BRAG! I APOLOGIZE IF IT COMES OFF THAT WAY! I've never put it all down like this, and I'm just surprised and questioning my reputation.)

(Also, I love playing detective, so naturally I call myself Batman XD.)

Autistic; I experience the world, and every situation, from a view without any context.

ADHD: My brain automatically -As a guardian I hate describes- "Can watch three different movies at the same time, all in fast forward, and can keep up with all of them." ... Well, yes, but technically no. Idk if other ADHD people do this, but my brain "connects the dots" so quickly, I end up laughing at jokes I've never heard before the 'punchline', because I've already figured out what you're going to say next.

Now combine all that. I am kicking depression's ass and now I want to help you do the same.

I have only mentioned the relevant things. Please keep in mind that ALL of these have both advantages and disasters. Thank you for your patience and understanding. I am running on four hours of sleep. For the love of whatever, I hope this actually helps someone other than me.

Qualifications are noted because: This is all stuff (and stuff like this) that I am just always casually aware of.

TLDR2: Even if I wasn't trying to help people feel better, Apparently I was born with a nat 20 perception/insight check, so please don't argue that I truly understand what I'm talking about here.

[danandfuckingjonlmao]

klaus hargreeves hearing three (3) symptoms of a disorder from a child that he just met and coming to the conclusion that he definitely has it is a mentally ill mood

[setsunaanddiana]

Keeping Up with the Creatures (a reality show in someone’s brain)

IDK for once just feels annoyed that they’re here (draw your squad)

(creatures by acmeiku, @waffle-bog + real.megamind, bog.boyy, @pnkrathian, @luidilovins, @feather-box-moth [left dyslexia], and @sunshine-1722 [right dyslexia])

[zebratimw]

[bitchfitch]

joy of joys that definitely isn't going to be detrimental to my health and ability to function over the next few days: the post office lost the box containing the next months supply of my meds. and the pharmacy I get my pills from won't be open again till Monday. and getting them delivered will probably be another three or four days after that. Boy howdy is this going to be a fun and relaxing week.