#the other option would be a doctorate of medicine but that seems like more work bc I'd have to start at the beginning

[itstimeforstarwars]

I think it would be really funny to get a doctorate for fic writing purposes.

[sagan-starstuff]

XF Meta: Scully's Medical Training Timeline

At the request of @randomfoggytiger, I wanted to do my damnedest to make Scully's education and training timeline make even a little sense. I'm a physician (specifically a specialist in adult infectious diseases), and it's fairly clear to me that CC and Co probably didn't actually talk to any doctors about how medical training works. Love my girl - I'm a Scully Effect kid, I don't think I'd be a doctor at all if it weren't for the inspiration of Dana Scully. But her timeline is...iffy at best.

Disclaimer: My medical school and post-med school training occurred from 2009-2018, Scully's occurred in the 1980's-90's. From what I can tell, the durations of many residencies and fellowships don't seem to have changed much, but I can't say that for certainty for all programs at all institutions. I am also from the US, so I cannot speak to medical training in other countries.

Our girl was born in 1964, and so unless she skipped a grade (which some schools would do if students were classified as "gifted" or otherwise exceptional, she would have graduated from high school at age 18 in 1982 and went straight to college. Let's assume she didn't skip a grade, for the sake of argument.

You have to have a Bachelor's degree to apply to medical school. These degrees typically take 4 years, though if someone arrives at college with credits from dual-enrollment high school classes or AP exam credits OR if they take summer classes some people can complete them in 3 years. I don't know what the availability of dual enrollment or AP classes was like in the early 80's (and like CC, I'm too lazy to do the research to find out), so we can assume that Scully graduated from college in 1986.

Medical school is 4 years long - no shortening this at that point in time, and even now in almost all cases. So that puts medical school graduation in 1990 IF she's following a traditional timeline and went straight from college to medical school.

Now, if someone is going to go into practice they have to do a residency in at least one of a variety of specialties (Internal Medicine, Pediatrics, Surgery, etc.) in order to be board certified and practice independently. There are very, very few job options in clinical medicine if you DON'T do a residency, so if you want to practice, you have to do it. Residencies can be anywhere from 3-5 years, depending on the specialty. You can also further subspecialize after a residency by doing one or more fellowships (typically 1-3 years depending on the fellowship) before sitting for your board certification exams and starting independent practice. For example - after medical school I did a 3-year residency in adult internal medicine, then a 2 year fellowship in adult infectious diseases to be eligible to sit for the boards and enter my specialty, so 5 years further training after medical school before I could get a job, get board certified, and practice.

Scully is a forensic pathologist. She would have had to do a 3 or 4 year pathology residency (both were options at the time) followed by a 1 year forensic pathology fellowship. You CANNOT perform autopsies right out of medical school, if you are going to be a forensic pathologist you HAVE to do this training. So, following a traditional timeline this puts her as having completed forensic pathology training in 1994 or 1995. Pilot starts March 7th, 1992, so this is loooooong after she's canonically already an FBI agent and teaching at the academy.

But our girl's a smart cookie, so let's take a little leeway with her timeline. Let's say she skipped a grade some time in K-12. This puts high school graduation in 1981. Let's say she ALSO graduates with a bunch of AP credit and does summer semesters and finishes her undergraduate degree in Physics in 3 years. This puts her as starting medical school in 1984, with graduation in 1988. She'd still need to do that pathology residency and forensic pathology fellowship - let's assume a 3 year residency, then 1 year fellowship, so she'd finish training in 1992.

Still doesn't fit.

Let's go totally off the rails here - we know Scully was recruited out of medical school to the FBI, so she didn't do a traditional residency at all - UNLESS the FBI has an internal forensic pathology residency. It would HAVE to be accelerated in some way - some programs combine residency and fellowship by giving less elective time and more focus to the fellowship content. It's not common but they exist. Let's say in theory the FBI has an accelerated forensic pathology residency that takes 3 years, in addition to the 20 weeks of the FBI academy training. This has her finishing residency AND FBI academy training some time in 1991.

This is the ONLY way she could have finished forensic pathology training AND the FBI academy with enough time to be a fully certified forensic pathologist and FBI agent with some time left to teach at the FBI academy before being assigned to the X-Files on March 7th, 1992.

I can suspend my disbelief enough to be on board with this. You'd have to be pretty damned special, which we know she is, to get recruited out of medical school by the FBI. Maybe they even developed the accelerated combined residency/fellowship just for her! She's Dana Katherine Motherf***ing Scully, people!

Now, IWTB is where things get REALLY unbelievable. (Disclaimer: I have not watched IWTB since seeing it in theaters in 2008. I'll get around to rewatching it someday soon. Probably with a bottle of wine. Not a glass. A bottle.)

Mulder and Scully go on the run in 2002. We don't know how long they were in the wind, but by 2008, she's been allowed to resume a career and is practicing at Our Lady of Sorrows. Clearly in pediatrics - but general pediatricians sure as hell don't do stem cell transplants, so she'd almost certainly have to be a pediatric oncologist. We aren't told what her specialty is specifically, but that's what she'd have to be to do a stem cell transplant.

(That scene in the OR isn't even what stem cell transplants LOOK LIKE but that's a rant for another day, back to my point.)

MEDICAL BOARDS DON'T JUST LET YOU CHANGE YOUR SPECIALTY FOR FUNSIES.

(Deep breaths. Serenity now. Ok, let's do this.)

Scully would have had to do an ENTIRELY NEW residency AND fellowship in order to practice as a pediatric oncologist. Pediatrics residency is 3 years long. Pediatric Hematology/Oncology fellowship is 3 years long. In order for this to be even remotely possible, she would have had to START residency in 2002 to finish fellowship by 2008 and start her job at Our Lady of Sorrows.

And she's a former FBI agent harboring a known felon, on the run from government officials and alien hybrids who want her and Mulder dead.

There is absolutely no way even the smallest, most hard-up pediatric residency program is going to accept her with that hanging over her head. I'm not going to get into all the details of how rigorous and stressful the post-medical school residency application and match process is, but even if she didn't apply until she KNEW it was safe to come out from underground, she'd still have to explain a multi-year gap in her resume/CV to the program directors. Multi-year gaps in career and training without a reasonable explanation like a medical issue, time off to care for an ailing family member, time off for research, time away in a different, legitimate career are NOT looked on kindly when applying for residency positions. She would have a HELL of a time getting into a totally different residency.

It could happen - if anyone could do it, she could. But there's absolutely no way there's enough time for her to complete that training by 2008.

"But sagan-starstuff, it's CC, it's X-Files, we know there was no show bible and no one but the fans gave a shit about continuity or things making sense, there's no logic just vibes"

I KNOW, OK. I KNOW. And I love this insane, beautiful masterpiece anyway. I love exploring the possibilities of how and when it all could have happened with my fellow insane Philes who work so hard to glean meaning and order from this perfect mess of a show.

But couldn't CC have talked to one (1) doctor about what medical training is like at some point between 1993 and 2018? Just one?

Anyway. Yeah. That's my meta. Scully's training timeline makes no goddamned sense. Compels me, though.

@randomfoggytiger, this is for you. Honorable mention to @precedex-files who I ranted about this with in messages a while back.

[ideas-4-stories]

One piece story idea where Buggy has had medical issues since he was a baby, but most of them went unknown, undiagnosed, or not caught early enough to "make a difference".

Buggy with an autoimmune disorder of some kind (leaning to fibromayalgia bc I love projecting on my baby blue blorbo, but also the overactive nerves would tie in nicely with his devil fruit)

Buggy with hypermobility at the very least, possible Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, but it's damn near impossible to properly diagnose due to his DF and the tech available by and large.

On the Oro Jackson, few genuinely believed when Buggy would say something hurt or felt wrong or when he was more foggy headed than usual. Shanks could always read him like an open book. Roger could hear the changes in his youngest's Voice. Crocus did the best he could, but his options were limited and his attention was split. It was Roger, Rayleigh and Shanks who were Buggy's main support system.

Roger absolutely cried the first time Buggy got injured in a big fight and casually relocated a joint with just a soft hiss. That alone had been jarring, but Buggy's response to Shanks' worried question of "are you okay, does it hurt-," left the captain biting back tears. How else is a father supposed to feel when his little boy simply rolls hod eyes and says "not much more than normal"

When Roger disbanded the crew, the plan was to leave the boys on Drum. It had good doctors, Buggy would get more support, and it was rarely an island under siege due to the medical renown it had. They of course did not tell the boys as such, and it was only through a series of wacky events that lead Kureha to meeting them and taking a liking to their sparks. Shanks wasn't the most interested in medicine but he learned some things, specifically first aid and some things to help Buggy. He actually found psychology pretty interesting when he had the patience and attention span to spare. Buggy on the other hand took to it all like a fish to water.

They were there for almost two years when the newspaper was delivered and both boys lost their SHIT when the headline announced the execution of their captain, their father. Kureha sent them off, arguably with more supplies than they needed, and gave them her Denden number to reach her if they needed anything at all. She couldn't go with them, but she refused to send them truly alone.

They have their fight in the plaza, but it doesn't end with a monumental break up. They meet back up the next day, and they bite the bullet together and talk.

They take some time to come to a decision moving forward.

They ultimately decide to go with the co-captain avenue but with careful misdirection and smoke and mirrors. To the world at large, they will seem completely independent and unrelated. In truth, they will be leveraging their independent skills to further themselves and each other. The brains and brawn, as it were.

It works out in their favor for a good deal of time until the cluster fuck that is marineford. Secrets are out, identities revealed, and Buggy is having 6395716 panic attacks stacked up like Legos.

He and Shanks roll with it as best they can, trying to salvage what they feasibly could.

Two years later, Cross Guild is formed and begins rolling. Buggy's crew knows of his illnesses/disabilities, but he has a strict set up to address them. It's on a need to know basis.

Crocodile and Mihawk just so happened to swirl in like a hurricane and never got the memo until there was an attack on the island.

Somehow, someway, Buggy got absolutely soaked in sea water, but he's still fighting, knives in hand, bobbing and weaving with a trail of blood in his wake. It's as he pivots to lunge that Mihawk catches sight of him suddenly paling, a minute flinch, but beyond that, Buggy doesn't react, instead throwing the knife, reaching down and making a strange move at his knee before he cringed, took a sharp inhale, and dove back into the fray.

Upon asking why, hours later in the meeting tent, the swordsman and mafioso present blink when Buggy shrugs and says "oh, my knee cap tried to dislocate. Couldn't disconnect with the sea water so I had to push it back by hand."

"Pardon?"

"Hm?" Buggy glances up from where he's brushing some dried remnants of the battle from his locks, one eye shut against the debris. "What?"

"What caused the injury? I did not see any attacks to your legs in the chaos."

"Oh, it just happens sometimes," Buggy says casually, as if this were knowledge the other two ought to know. "I'm used to it."

They are not sure what to do, nor how to respond. They let it rest for the time being but they do keep a closer eye on their chairman following this.

They learn Buggy is rather adept at working with and around his unusual burdens, either disconnecting a joint or alleviating pressure on it until it can be addressed, even chop-chopping the offending area back to the proper place. They catch sight, now that they know to look, of hints of braces, wraps, the way Buggy occasionally presses his iced drink to a knee, a wrist, on an ankle in movements familiar but exceedingly casual, never belying their true purpose.

It is then that the two dark haired men realize there is much more to their clown than they first assumed.

I agree that overactive nerves would tie nicely with his Devil Fruit. Buggy having medical issues that went unknown, undiagnosed, or wasn’t caught early enough would make sense after all if the HC that Buggy was with the Roger Pirates as a baby or even if he wasn’t with them during his infant stage. These are pirates, how are they supposed to know that they need to look for things that could be wrong with the two babies they now have?

I’m sure some of them have things that have went unknown and undiagnosed. Anyway, back to Buggy, I had to look up Ehlers Danlos Syndrome because I didn't know what it was. I agree that it would be nearly impossible to diagnose properly because of no good tech around, as well as the fact he is on a pirate crew, I assume for the most pirate crews they don't stick around island for very long. I HC that Buggy swallowed the Bara Bara Fruit when he was nine.

Poor Buggy, I want to think that more people on the crew understood that Buggy has problems but didn’t how they could help him. Because acting like Buggy was fragile would make Buggy become angry because kid doesn’t want to be treated like that.

Poor Roger, having to watch that without saying anything, with all the other times it happened. Then after he disbanded the crew. Leaving them on Drum Island is a good choice and it makes sense that they didn’t tell the boys (I feel like they don’t tell the boys many things that should of been talked about, but this might be a good thing they didn’t say anything about. But who knows)

I wonder what the series of wacky events were to the meeting between them and Kureha? To me, they seemed like it there in this AU.

I think anyone would lose their shit if they see someone, they really love is getting murdered in front of so many people. I feel that Kureha only let them go because she knew they would go anyway, and this way let’s her give Buggy and Shanks the supplies they need.

I believe that with all the stress and pain of losing someone they hold dear in their hearts. I think Buggy wasn’t in the right mind set nor was Shanks in a way. Anyway, Love that they came back around to talk about it. I think the smoke & mirrors co-captain route they have… or is it more like Buggy and Shanks are allies? They have their own crews, but they still have each.

Then Marineford happened, poor Buggy and Shanks. I hope in this AU that Ace lives, but it was never stated so I don't know.

The idea that Buggy's crew knows about his illnesses/disabilities makes me feel that his followers would say he so strong to overcome them or we just talking about Buggy's crew from East Blue. Then yeah, those folks definitely know about his illnesses/disabilities.

Mihawk and Crocodile coming in without any knowledge and it took a battle to find out. I can see Buggy is nonchalantly about it as Mihawk did a doubletake when he said ‘Pardon?’ Crocodile did a doubletake too, because with those two didn’t know.

Once Crocodile and Mihawk know about what’s going on with Buggy, they see that the signs were always there. It’s just they didn’t paid attention to those signs, but they are.

[simpxxstan]

the night shift

pairing: idol!jeonghan x caregiver!f.reader

genre: fluff, strangers to lovers, a little bit of angst

summary: it’s such a surprise what just three months of your life can do to you. it can actually change your life.

word count: 10.3k

rating: 13+ 

warning: mention of death (not major character). a few swear words here and there. a lot of time skips, i hope it doesn't impede the reading flow!

a/n: i have officially been sucked into the world of svt and there’s no getting out of here! i honestly just got into soft jeonghan feels and wrote this. i’m writing after a very long time, and so much has happened since my last update on tumblr. i’m sorry if i have kept any of you waiting 😭. i will try to update regularly now! 

i hope you enjoy reading it!

“Hello. I’m L/N Y/N.” You bowed deeply to the young man sitting in front of you in a wheelchair, a bored expression feeting in his eyes, his blonde hair falling raggedly over his face. A face you were not unfamiliar with. 

The man twisted his lip in annoyance and looked at the other man in the room. “Why is she here?”

“Hyung, you had said you’d keep a nurse.”

“I don’t remember, Hoshi. Perhaps, I was under the effect of heavy medication. Because of these fucking meds-” he seemed mildly irritated as he swatted his hand about in the air. “None of these meds are heavy in any way. Don’t pretend you’ve forgotten!” The younger boy whined, and continued, “Jeonghan hyung, the company, the doctor, the members, your family. Everyone has said that this is the best for you. You don’t have a say in this,” Hoshi had stood up to hold Jeonghan’s hands down. “Hyung, please.”

The man in the wheelchair had no option but to become limp in Hoshi’s hold. Flecks of irritation still on his face, he kept glaring at you with the world’s most disinterested look. “One month.” 

“Hoshi-ssi told me three months…?”

“No. One month. You work for me, I decide the rules.”

He swiftly turned his wheelchair around and went back into his bedroom.

“He’s moody these days, his mind is really fragile. I hope you understand.” Hoshi spoke to you gently. “Yes, I do. I’ve dealt with more stubborn patients, don’t worry.”

“I’ll leave you to settle down, then! Annyeong!” And the cheery young man left, after bowing his goodbyes. 

You had a sense of foreboding creeping into your heart. There was perfect silence in the apartment almost as if you were alone in the entire space. But you knew you were not. How was it possible that Yoon Jeonghan could exist so soundlessly? What if he was actually not- oh god, what if he had passed out or something? You quickly go to his bedroom and knock on the door frantically. “Please, Jeonghan-ssi!” Slowly you heard one breath being released. The door slowly creaked open. The apartment became full of life again as you felt Yoon Jeonghan’s beautiful face eyeing you curiously, like his new found toy.

_

The first week was a chaotic one, but by the time the fortnight had passed, you knew Yoon Jeonghan was now in your grip. Idle, he had all the time in the world to prank you and tease you, even while being in his wheelchair. Sometimes he would feign memory loss and forget who you were, other times he would ask you to change his shirt after he had dropped some soup on it. If your days at the hospital, where you were interning, were tiring, your nights were even more challenging. He would fall asleep without taking the prescribed medicines, shuffle out of his wheelchair without calling for your help as he should have, and behave just like any naughty kid would. And you had no option but to scold him each time. But you could never be too angry at the man. He would smile the most angelic smile at you, making your veins burst and melt at the same time, your anger dissipating into annoyance into laughter. Eventually you would smile to yourself every time he was successful in his teasing, each feat giving him immense happiness. One successful prank, and Yoon Jeonghan was a happy man. 

There were other ways to coax him into submission too. Making him his favourite ramyeon to warm his body whenever he could not sleep in the winter nights. Watching Jun’s new drama with him, and giggling over the kissing scenes, as Jeonghan would give you live commentary on how Jun would probably be behind the scenes. Combing his hair, which was growing longer by the day, into neat braids. 

You had, eventually, and unthinkably, fallen into a routine. 

-

“What is it exactly that you do in the daytime?” He had asked you once, while you were preparing breakfast for him before leaving for college. “I go to med school. Then I intern at the local hospital.” 

“I know. But that can’t be it. Surely school and internships can’t leave someone as dog-tired as you come home, Nurse L/N.” He looked at you with suspicious eyes, a mischievous spark in his doe eyes. You knew he was going to tease you now. 

You had, honestly, gotten used to this, and started recognizing the signs. Before you would cry out in anguish every time his teasing got the better of you. ‘Jeonghan-ssi. I forbid you from speaking ill about my favourite pen. It’s my lucky pen. I always do well in exams I write with this.’ ‘Oh, save heavens I make fun of your dearest pen.’ And he had laughed, all while knowing he had hidden the pen below his pillow. He would give it to you the next morning, a wave of relief flashing over your tense features, extremely nervous over the exam that day. ‘Don’t worry. You’ve studied so much. You’ll do well, irrespective of the pen.’ And then he had the audacity to wink. Fucking wink. After all the superstitious stress he had put you through the entire night. 

“Have you ever met any person from the medicine industry?”

“Nope. No people. Some annoying aliens though, prescribing bullshit medicines to me which I don’t even need. And of course, I’ve met you.”

“You don’t even know how stressful med school is. And then, at the internship, they’ll ask us interns to do everything. Right from sanitising the scalpels, to cleaning the floor if someone spills coffee, and the very next moment, they’ll ask me to perform a minor treatment, as if I wasn’t busy polishing the floor right now.” You huffed and puffed as you served Jeonghan the sunny-side-up. He had already put butter on his bread and began eating it. 

“Okay, I’ll be leaving now. Your coffee is in this pot. I’ve baked some cookies last night, while you were on that live call with fans-”

“Ooh that’s why the entire house was smelling like dogshit.”

“SHUT UP! They taste very good.”

“Dogshit? You’ve tried? A true connoisseur-”

“Yoon Jeonghan. I’ll put you in timeout.”

“No!” He instantly put on his angelic smile, pouting, his features full of aegyo, and your momentary anger melts. Oh you don’t know what to do with this one. 

_

20 days later, you could feel the wall between you two breaking down slowly. He had become more accepting to having you bossing around the house, keeping it clean and keeping him safe. Although you worked with him only for the night shift, the two of you would often have conversations, aside from the bickering, the nonsense he kept spewing and the teasing, that would actually be meaningful. 

“You’re wearing your shirt the other way round, Nurse L/N,” he said as soon as you unlocked the door and stepped into the house after finishing your job. 

“Oh!” You dropped your bags immediately and made your way to the washroom attached to your bedroom to change. “That’s why everyone on the subway kept staring at me.” When you returned to the hall, Yoon Jeonghan was sitting in the same way, flicking through his phone. 

“You didn’t wear the shirt wrong in the morning?” He cocks an eyebrow, and you blush all over. He had caught you. Clearing your throat, “Umm, well…” He tilts his head, letting the evening sun fall on his hair and making it shimmer. “I had a date today.” 

Immediately your veins start burning as he makes his way towards you, a small smile on his lips. “Nurse L/N! How did it go?” he asks you, then doesn’t wait for an answer. “Ahh well. That’s a wrong question. If you’re wearing your shirt the other way round, it must’ve gone well.” Peeking at you, to see your blush spreading all the way to your neck now. “Who is the unlucky person then?” 

Argh. Not even 10 minutes into the house and he had started teasing you. 

“He’s my friend from med school. We intern at the same hospital.”

“Show me a photograph.”

“Why?”

“I want to see!”

“Why? This is personal space.” You fold your arms, going along with his teasing. 

“I want to see if he’s more handsome than me.” Jeonghan declares solemnly, as if that’s the most reasonable response. And when you burst out laughing, he laughs with you too, but continues whining to see the photo. And you have no option but to yield. 

_

When Hoshi-ssi had approached you through his manager to take care of Jeonghan for the next three months till he recovered from the accident that had broken his left leg, you had been reluctant before saying yes. Firstly, you hadn’t believed that such a famous celebrity would be requesting for you, when they had all kinds of services at their disposal anyway. Then you learnt that you had taken care of Hoshi’s aunt when she was very ill and bed-ridden, and the good feedback had flown in from his family. Hoshi’s aunt had been your second patient, your first being your own mother, who had suffered from schizophrenia, before you had lost her two years ago. Although your eyes were still wet from those memories, you had decided to take nursing up as a side profession, to pay for the bills of med school, and put your nursing skills to use as well. Seven clients later, you had landed this job- taking care of the superstar idol, Yoon Jeonghan. 

“It’s a night shift. So you’ll have to interact very little with the patient. Through the day, he can take care of himself. We just expect you to keep him company as his… mental state… is really weak right now, perhaps more than his physical state,” the manager had said.

You weren’t a Carat. You didn’t even follow idol groups. You didn’t want to seem like a golddigger, and you knew well that these celebrities could throw tantrums, or even worse, ill-treat you. 

But when Hoshi-ssi personally called you, you simply could not refuse. There was something so soft in his voice, laced with worry whenever he spoke about his hyung, you simply knew you had to help this man out. 

And you had taken up the job.

The apartment was big enough for you to stay comfortably. Jeonghan was non-interfering in your personal matters, mostly. From time to time, he would comment on your hairstyle, worry about the dark circles under your eyes, suggest a new skincare product, and enquire about your family in all politeness. You had thought the initial courtesy he showed would die down, and then he would minimise his interactions with you. 

However, to your great (mis?)fortune, he stayed up every day, even after 25 days had passed, waiting for you to come back home. He would sit at the dinner table, as you made dinner in the kitchen. He would text you, while you were at work, sometimes meaningful questions, other times random thoughts, and even more rarely (thankfully), some photographs. Of his pet rock, of a new parcel delivered home, of takeout he had ordered for lunch instead of eating what you had cooked for him that morning, of himself. 

Oh, of himself. 

Those selcas were the rarest, and yet you kept wishing for him to send you one whenever your phone lit up with a notification. While you would sit in the break room, eating lunch between classes, you’d wait for it. When hanging out with friends after the internship, you’d wait for it. When your date from two weeks ago, Minho, took you out to coffee, you found yourself waiting for it again. 

And when it did, you’d save it instantly. Take a screenshot if it was a one-time view. Stare at it endlessly, sometimes laughing at the filters he would set up, sometimes smiling wistfully into his beautiful brown irises, looking at the camera with odd affection. You knew he generally sent those photos to you to get a reaction before posting them on Weverse for his fans. But somewhere in your heart, you had begun to wish, he would click those photos for you. Not for his fans, not out of boredom, not just to check if his face was still handsome. Just for you.

But that was the least of your problems. 

_

Your job had turned a month old, and you paced about in your bedroom, having packed your bags already, ready to be kicked out. Although Yoon Jeonghan had been fairly tolerable these last few days, one could never understand what went about in his mind. 

You were mentally listing off all the things you’d have to worry about now. You’d have to go back to your shitty paid guest room, and pay rent. You’d have to go without the extra cash from this job, barely making enough to eat four meals a day. Only somewhere in the corner of your mind, another little thought came up- you’d have to live without the living breathing caramel sunshine that was Yoon Jeonghan. You had truly gotten used to living with him- as a roommate, of course. Even with his irks and mischief, his moments of vulnerability and his fake aegyo. You had learnt to not dislike him, and now he was getting too close to your heart. 

A sharp knock on your bedroom door broke you out of your thoughts. “Nurse L/N? You didn’t come to wake me up?” He says it so normally, as if you’re not combusting with nerves right now. “It’s not 8 am yet, you don’t like it if I wake you up before that.”

He yawns. Lazy, warm, still in his night sleepsuit. His hair messy, his skin looking soft and his lips looking- 

“What’s all these bags for?”

“Huh?”

“You’re leaving me?” He starts to pout, making your insides like molten lava. 

“I- uh- one month-” you manage to stutter out, wondering if he had truly forgotten or if this was one of his pranks. “One month’s done? Yay! I am two months away from freedom. Nurse L/N, can you please order waffles for me today, I’ve been craving something sweet!” He whirls around his wheelchair after flashing his brightest, cutest smile at you. Left with your mouth open, you already start thinking whether all the ingredients for waffles could be found at home or not. 

_

While you would be away during the day, his members or family would come visit him, to help him dress or bathe. Every other day, you’d see him sitting with a member of his group, hearing their laughter even before seeing them when you entered the house. Sometimes more than one would turn up, and it would be a party. 

They always treated you with great respect. Joshua would profusely thank you, the polite charismatic gentleman he was, for taking care of Jeonghan. Seungcheol would ask you regularly whether you were well, whether his friend was irritating you, and whether the terms of work were suitable for you. The days when his members would arrive, usually Jeonghan would switch on live, for his fans. Mostly the lives would get over as soon as you would arrive, sometimes they would continue after you arrived as well, and you’d try your best to soundlessly work through the house so as to not disturb anyone. Contractually bound to secrecy and personally wishing for no involvement with his fans, this was an arrangement suiting you perfectly. 

Except one day, when he was doing the live all on his own. You dropped a small glass, and hurt your finger in the broken glass. Almost on instinct, Jeonghan had shouted out, “Nurse L/N, are you okay? Did you break something?” Hearing voice full of concern, real genuine concern, you couldn't help but reply back. “Yeah I’m okay! Don’t worry, it’s just a glass.” “Hmm, okay.”

Cleaning up your wound, you had tiptoed towards Jeonghan’s room, where he was arranging legos while streaming live. Your heart was pounding in your chest, waiting for the call from his company, asking you to resign. Knocking softly on the door, you entered, trying to signal him to not mention you aloud and asking him if the company had reached out to him to announce your dreadful fate. 

“Ou?” 

Facepalming yourself as Jeonghan asked you in the loudest whisper possible, you gave up. Even if your earlier reply was probably not audible due to the distance, it was so clear now when Jeonghan visibly looked up at you, and asked you, in the most innocent way. “Ou? What are you saying?” You were about to leave the room, when suddenly he introduced you, out LOUD, in front of his fans. “Caratdeul! This is Nurse L/N, she’s taking good care of me! Don’t worry for me. Nurse L/N, please say hello!” By now, you were palpitating. Your phone would ring any moment. Any- “Hello, I am Nurse L/N. I’ll take your leave now, Jeonghan-ssi,” you said, without showing your face on the camera. 

But Yoon Jeonghan had no intention to let you escape. “Nurse L/N,” he cried out, with a pout on his face, his eyes shining behind his glasses, “how does my lego model look?” It was a model of some sports car. “Hmm, looks good!” “Everyone!” A smug look appeared on Jeonghan’s face, “This is the first time Nurse L/N has said my work looks good! This is all thanks to our Carats.” Taking his self-absorbed, smiling-widely-till-his-eyes-disappeared moment as an excuse, you left the room. Because another minute, and you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from crossing a line. 

_

You were well into the second month, when the panic attacks started. 

They were most likely triggered by the doctor’s report that morning. Jeonghan-ssi, I’m afraid you’ll need more time to recover. Although your femur’s not broken, it’s extremely weak, and your legs cannot support your weight now. Even after recovery, I would advise you to not dance heavily for at least another month. 

You had been awoken by a sharp scream in the middle of the night, no scratch that, early in the morning, as you could see the first rays of dawn streaming in through the window. Immediately you rushed to Jeonghan’s room, who slept with his door unlocked for such emergency situations. “Are you okay?”

And instead of the calm fairy you expected, you were met by a ghost. 

Yoon Jeonghan was sitting upright in his bed, sweat pouring down from his forehead and arms, his long blonde hair dishevelled, and his chest heaving for air. The worst was over, you reckoned, as you gently stepped closer to him. 

For the first time in two months, you saw fear in Yoon Jeonghan’s eyes. As soon as you came near the bed, he reached out to grip your hands. You whispered to him, endlessly rubbing his arms and his back, it’ll be alright, you’re okay, don’t worry, i’m here, you’ll be okay, you’re safe with me, until you could feel his heart rate slow down to a normal pace. 

He then looked at you, in such an inexplicably fond way, like-

Like you were his light. 

Like you were the stars in his dark night.

Like you were his world. 

And you succumbed to the urge of hugging him. You pressed him gently to your body, trying to relay your warmth to his colder body, initially hesitant as to how he would receive your action. 

To your surprise, he pulled you in closer. You realised it was his anxiety speaking, his fingers still trembling from the shock. And not his need to be close to you, as your dumb brain hoped somehow. 

But then, he kept the hope alive. 

“Stay with me tonight, Y/N.”

_

The entire day, you were extremely distracted, both in school and at work. Fumbling with things, clumsily dropping things, and forgetting important tasks. Yoon Jeonghan had called you by your first name for the first time. This single thought kept spiralling in your head, finding root in some delusion or the other. The entire night, you had spent with him. Hugging him first, then he had laid down and put his head on your lap. And you had stroked his hair, until he was asleep. You had sent a text to Seungcheol, asking him to come and stay with Jeonghan, as you didn’t want to leave him alone like this but you couldn’t miss classes today. He had immediately agreed, and turned up sharp at 7 am. Instead of waking up Jeonghan, you had left your blanket next to him to fool him of your presence, and left the house, leaving the man in his best friend’s care. 

Last night had been a monstrous event for the tiny feeling you felt in your heart every time you thought of Jeonghan, which was actually nearly every second. Long forgotten was Minho and his stupid face and stupid voice and stupid pick-up lines. The only voice which sent warm electric shocks through your entire body was the one that belonged to Yoon Jeonghan. You kept texting Seungcheol, asking him for updates, whether Jeonghan had eaten, whether he had bathed, whether he had taken his afternoon nap, whether he was talking normally, whether his blood pressure was normal, so on and on. Even when his replies satisfied you, you were always nervous about what was happening back home. 

Home. 

Was the house you spent your nights in now home? Was the subway station you had now gotten used to getting off at home? Was the bedroom you slept in now home?

Or was he home?

When you did return to your home, you found the man who had occupied all your thoughts through the day sitting next to Seungcheol, giggling about something on his phone. “Oh you’re here!” Seungcheol says, popping up when he spots you enter. “Hi. I came home early.”

Jeonghan’s smile disappears, and you tense up already. You have no idea what’s coming. 

“I’ll be leaving then. He’s been asking for you all day anyway,” Seungcheol smirks against Jeonghan’s little rebellious whines, and your stomach churns in worry. He bows to you, and leaves. Leaving you with the blonde little elephant in the room. 

“So. How are you feeling, Jeonghan-ssi?” You ask after a while, breaking the ice finally. He shifts towards one side of the sofa, and you instinctively step forward, wondering if he wanted to get up into his wheelchair now, but he only pats the seat next to him, asking you to sit down. 

“I’m sorry for last night, Nurse L/N.” There, back to just a fucking nurse. It was a slip of tongue. “You don’t have to be. This is what I’m here for. This is what you’re paying me for,” you chuckle, but he doesn’t even smile. “But I invaded your personal space-” you lean forward, hold his hand, and say, “Hey. Don’t worry. I hugged you out of my own accord.” “Because you wanted to?” he whispers, and you whisper back, your heart beating in your throat, your voice hoarse with emotion, “Yes, because I wanted to.”

“Can you do it again then?”

Quirking your eyebrows, you realised he’s being dead serious. There’s no way he could lie and tease you with such vulnerability in his eyes. And so you hug him. It’s not as close as last night, but the embrace still makes your spine tingle with happiness. You hope against hope he cannot hear your heartbeat. 

When you try to pull away, he lets you, but keeps holding on to your hand. 

“I’m- umm, what they call, clingy. I appreciate physical comfort. I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable. You can move away when you like.”

“No. I don’t feel uncomfortable at all. If you like, we could hug more often. Or you could hold my hand. Or put your head on my shoulder or…” you didn’t want to think of his head on your lap again. You would not be able to control the urge to kiss his forehead and eyes and tiny button nose and of course, the pretty lips. 

“But you have a boyfriend…” 

“Huh?” You’re taken aback now. What was this? “I have a boyfriend I don’t even know about?”

“That boy, Minho? You went out on dates with him?” He looks confused. You bite your lip, “Oh. No, I lost interest. We didn’t date, at least seriously.”

“Oh," you saw the clouds in his face clearing.

So he was worried about your boyfriend being uncomfortable with a grown man hugging you for emotional support? Jeez. What did he think your taste in men was?

"Can I make another request?" God, what's this tone? You had never heard it before but you could sure get used to it. Pouty-faced, soft voiced Jeonghan was definitely your favourite. As if you could ever say no to him. 

"Hmm, go on?"

"Can you sleep in my room today?"

You wish you could say no to him.

“In your bed?”

“No, I think your bed can be shifted to my room? It’ll fit also. It’s a single, thin bed.”

You know it will fit. You also know your room is big enough to fit another queen-sized bed. But when you’re that close, how will you be able to tolerate the distance?

“Hmm. I think it could fit. But I think it’s too heavy for me to carry today… maybe I can ask some help from neighbours or friends tomorrow and set it up in your room? Meanwhile today… I could bring a mattress and sleep on the floor.”

“No!” He cried out. “I mean- you can always sleep next to me.” He smiles, a little angelic, a lot devilish. You know he’s teasing now. 

You take away your hand from his, and you can see him begin to whine at the loss of warmth. “On the floor then.”

But yet again, as dawn breaks, he screams awake again, and you notice tears rolling down his cheeks also. He hides his face from you when you sit next to him to calm him down, embarrassed of his tears. You wipe them away with your hands (and not with kisses). 

And that’s how he falls asleep again. He lies down fairly far away from you, at least an arm’s distance. But your hand is still in his, and you can’t sleep, overly conscious about drifting towards him in your sleep. You’re content just taking in his beautiful face through the sunrise, drinking up his features like you’re parched, wishing you could put your fingers at each spot on his face, feeling the bone and the muscle and the skin, feeling his breath.

_

“If you don’t mind me asking… what triggered your nightmare?” You ask him the next morning. Good heavens, it’s a free Sunday after ages, and you had been looking forward to this for weeks now. You had so many plans- ordering food for brunch, catching up on your favourite k-drama, buying a new pair of shoes. But you realised- all of these plans involved Jeonghan. You couldn’t imagine doing any of this without him.

You’re sitting with Jeonghan in the small balcony of his apartment, which overlooks the city almost entirely. It’s a serene view, the sunshine not too harsh, and Yoon Jeonghan hasn’t let go of your hand ever since last night. You hadn’t pushed him too far for answers yesterday, thinking it was a one-time thing. But today, you were getting more curious and worried. 

“Ummm… I’m not too sure myself? I just have a lot of thoughts these days.” You stroke the thumb of his hand which lies in your palm now. “What thoughts? Do you miss your members? Your fans?” “Yeah, I do. But it’s not like that just…” You know he’s hesitating, but he’s seconds away from crying. “Jeonghan-ssi. Go on. I’m here.” 

After a VERY long pause, he says softly. 

“You know how the doctor said I’ll need at least another month, even after this hiatus of three months, before I can go back to my normal self, being an idol.” You hum in between his pauses. “I’m scared, Nurse L/N. I’m scared… they’ll forget me. And even if they don’t, I’ll be disappointing them. I won’t be able to meet my fans’ expectations anymore. They won’t get what they deserve from me.”

“No one deserves anything from you. You don’t owe them anything.”

“You don’t understand,” you can sense his voice getting hoarse and louder. “Fans aren’t easy to explain to- and to be honest, which fan wouldn’t be upset seeing their favourite idol isn’t going to dance well any more? Hell, I’m probably no one’s favourite idol anymore.” He looks away from you, his hand already retracted from yours. 

“Jeonghan-ssi. Firstly, if you really care about your fans so much, they most likely care about you a lot too. Of course, they’ll understand. And secondly, have you checked twitter? Or instagram? They keep talking about your health, and look forward to your live videos-”

He smiles, “Yeah, they’re asking about you too.” You ignore the statement and continue, “I understand where your vulnerability is coming from- but you can only improve your mindset by not thinking of the worst case possible.”

He doesn’t say anything. His face is still sullen, dark clouds storming in his eyes. 

“Jeonghan-ssi, you’re not that easy to forget, and less easier to replace. I don’t think your fans will forget you so soon.” 

He looks at you, his lips pursed in a hopeful trance. You know he’s still extremely scared of the future, but then, who wasn’t? It was only natural to be afraid of uncertainty. You gently pat his head, and ask, “Is one of your band members going to come today? For bathing and dressing you…?”

Frankly, you didn’t understand why they couldn’t keep a full-time caregiver who would be professionally trained to do all the work required. But you had seen Jeonghan’s attitude the first time you suggested this. No. I’m not an object for pity, and caregivers will pity me. Plus I don’t trust them. I trust you, I trust my members. I’m only safe in your hands. You had wanted to ask why he trusted you- was it because he knew you really needed the money and a good place to stay? But you had simply nodded and left the issue. 

“No. I didn’t ask any of them to come today. They have a shooting schedule today.” His voice sounded even more feeble. He probably missed being on set with them, laughing as a whole, playing games, singing and enjoying themselves. From the videos of their show, Going Seventeen, which Jeonghan had himself shown to you, you had noticed how solid their bond was, and how comfortable they were around each other, easier than friends, stronger than family members. 

“Oh.” This meant you would have to bathe him. Shit. 

_

“I’m throwing my shirt!” “Yeah.” You waited outside the door of the washroom as Jeonghan stripped inside, and threw his shirt through the slightly open door. You had become extremely flustered at the thought of dressing and undressing him, but he had provided a simple solution. 

Although you doubted how simple it was, when you could hear him struggling to get his pants off. “Nurse L/N. I think I’ll just bathe with my pants on!” “No! Don’t be a dirty boy. Do you want me to help?” You asked, breathless. “No,” you could hear his sigh, “I’m fine. I’ve got it off. Here, catch!” 

Then there was the sound of the shower opening, the slight squeak of a tap, and a tune being emitted by the man showering there. You left quietly.

_

It was around 3 in the afternoon when you both had finished bathing, lunch, folding up laundry (you) and singing random songs (him), watching one episode of a k-drama (him) and wondering why hearts ached without any attack (you). “I’m going to take you out. Enough of staying indoors. It’s eating into your brain.” You announce. 

He almost jumps with you, but then winces. “But where? I don’t want to make a public appearance to collect sympathy and pity.” “You’ll see. You said you trust me, right?” He smiles, “Ayy. Human trust doesn’t go that far.” But you can see the excitement build in his eyes. “It’s a surprise.” “Surprises are not nice.” You tie up his eyes with a blindfold, leaving him no option but to huff and puff and whine and sulk.

But this surprise is nice. Jeonghan’s face lights up like a million watt bulb when you take off his blindfold and reveal him sitting in his dance practice room, all his members standing around him. He squeals in joy, and they all start talking instantly, making it too loud a chaos for you to decipher. Hell, you haven’t even been able to tell their voices apart yet. 

The man you know as Channie, comes to you and bows. “I’m so thankful to you for bringing Hyung here. Thank you for taking care of him!” Another man, Seokmin, joins him, and they both smile at you widely. You blush, suddenly caught off guard by the attention, and excuse yourself from the room, leaving the boys to their antics. You text Jeonghan that you’re going to meet up with your childhood best friend, and you’ll be back to pick him up whenever he calls. 

But he never calls you back. The members carry him around- they go to some restaurant, eat barbecue and drink a hell lot of beer, and then they drop him home. You had returned a couple of hours back, and when you see three strong able-handed men entering the house with Jeonghan, you take the chance. 

“Jeonghan-ssi. Do you still want me to bring my bed to your room?” Although the other three men stare at Jeonghan quizzically, he solemnly nods. Seungkwan asks you, “Are you sure that’s okay with you? I t’s a really weird request!” Mingyu adds, “Yeah, Hyung, if you need her anytime, you can just call out for her, she’s anyway in the same house.” But Jeonghan won’t have it. “Yah, please. Nurse L/N, please.” You sigh and say, “He’s not feeling strong enough to sleep alone. It’s okay, I’ve done this before. I understand the need for physical comfort.” “Are you sure?” Seungcheol asks you, and you nod your consent. Then he says, “We’ll help you bring the bed then!” 

That night, Jeonghan slept on his own bed, and you on your own, but he said he felt more relief knowing you were around him. I’m worried for you too, you know. Worried? What on earth for? Nothing, just. I’m feeling over-protective for everyone who matters to me right now. It was safe to say you slept in a constant dream-like state. Jeonghan did not wake up that night, and even if he did, it didn’t wake you up. You woke up only to your alarm next morning, breaking your haze of dusty, autumn dreams of blonde ponytails, flowers in a garden, and a pretty face belonging to the man lying next to you. 

_

Third month in, and you were feeling a little under the weather. Perhaps it was the flu passing around in your college for a while now, but you had been strictly banned from going to the hospital (an order you had cried and begged your supervisor to take back, fearing this was the premature end to your internship, but he had calmly asked you to come back when you were well). Jeonghan, meanwhile, was now out of his wheelchair, and simply walking about using a pair of crutches. He was in a better mental state now, as the nightmares became fewer and less intense, and his general moodiness also dissipated. 

But of late, he was being too affectionate towards you. Perhaps it was the reason behind you falling in. His sickly sweet smile whenever you complimented him for walking well, his blush of shy satisfaction when he completed any small task you gave him. One day you stepped into the house and almost screamed before the man sitting on the sofa turned around and showed you that it was none but Jeonghan, with his hair dyed black now. 

And dear heavens. That black mop of hair would kill you. 

For, if blonde Jeonghan was an angel, an embodiment of sunshine, a picture of innocence, black-haired Jeonghan was all of that but a slight rough edge to him, making his features even sharper and his eyes even deeper. It was all you needed to stab a dagger in your heart every day. Now that you’re stuck at home on a leave for 10 days, you have nothing to do except look at this man, laugh at his antics and calm down the growing anxiety in your heart as to what you’d do after these three months got over and your contract would expire. And even though you never voiced your worries out loud, Jeonghan somehow caught them. 

“How many months are left till you graduate?” “About five months?” “Hmm. You can actually stay in my apartment throughout and not go back to the shitty place you showed me pictures of.” You gawk, “You’re crazy, how could I ever do that!” “No I’m serious, Nurse L/N.” You stick your tongue out, not interested in his pity offers. “You know what your problem is, Nurse L/N?” Your face is still turned away from him. “You’re just so stuffed with pride. That’s why you’re not taking the medicines I’m giving you at correct times.” 

Oh, how the tables have turned. 

“I’m fine.” You stress on every syllable, but Yoon Jeonghan can’t seem to take the hint and buzz off. 

And that’s your biggest issue. He doesn’t even tease you as much as he is genuinely caring for you now. As if you’re really his friend. You wonder what has brought about this kind of absurd change in him. It’s not like anything had changed in how he saw you. Nurse L/N.

_

You were wrong about his teasing nature mellowing down. The next morning, when your supervisor had called, you had been in the washroom, and instead of just letting the call go until you returned, he had picked up the call and introduced himself as your Oppa. 

Indigestion just had to hit you that very day.

You had no option but to let your blood boil in embarrassment as you overheard the entire conversation, helpless and frustrated. 

“Yes, umm… she’s really stupid. She keeps forgetting stuff, you must know hahaha. No wonder she’s totally forgotten about mentioning me. I’m her local guardian haha.”

You hoped he would clarify something about the Oppa tag. Mention that he wasn’t your boyfriend. Mention that he was your brother or something. Or even an older friend, but in vain. Jeonghan was hell-bent on spreading rumours in the hospital about your love life, one would think.

“Yes! I know. She’s recovering now, I’ve been taking good care of her.”

“Oh no, she doesn’t have any family per se. She just has me.”

“Aaah no no, it’s no like that…” you could hear his voice ambiguously trail off, leaving several loose ends. This must’ve been a question about that-

“Oh sure! Thank you. I’ll let her know asap. Yes, yes tomorrow. Thank you.” 

After three minutes when you emerged from the washroom, pissed and stressed, Yoon Jeonghan was smiling to himself while watching a video on Youtube. 

“What was that call for?”

“Which call?”

You stare. He budges. “Oh, your supervisor had called. He was asking if you can join back tomorrow. I said yes.”

“Why did you pick up?”

“Why not! Would you rather lose the one chance your supervisor gave you to come back?” He smirks, knowing he had hit your weak spot. “But even then. You’re not my Oppa.” “Huh? I’m four years older than you!” 

“Jeonghan-ssi. Just because you’re older than me doesn’t mean you can introduce yourself as my Oppa. Are you dumb or do you not understand the connotations of such an introduction?” 

There was a pause. 

“What would you suggest I’d introduce myself as? I didn’t want to say my name-”

“Her friend would just do. Or her neighbour. Or her classmate from college.”

“Those wouldn’t have had similar connotations? Any boy answering any girl’s call would have similar connotations, Y/N-aah.”

Another pause. Maybe he hadn’t realised he had called you by your first name. 

“Then you should have just introduced yourself as the patient I’m taking care of in the night shift. Everyone knows about that, Jeonghan-ssi. Honestly, anything but Oppa. You’re not my Oppa.”

Before he could reply, you take your phone from the table and lock yourself into your room for the rest of the morning, too overwhelmed to say anything else or even look into the eyes of that dangerous man. 

_

There had been very little conversation between the two of you through that day and the next, before you left for work again. He had tried a lot to initiate conversation with you, weird questions interrupting the silence now and then. But you were honestly too stressed to take any of his excuses and forgive him. 

How dare he call himself your Oppa, when in three weeks he was going to simply forget you totally? How dare he even call you by your first name and break the professional formalities that were standard? You had thought the first time, that night, had been a slip of tongue in feverish delusion. This was no delusion. In bright daylight, he had crossed the line and called you by your name. 

Although it shouldn’t matter much, you rationaled. Oppa could mean a dozen different things. No one would assume it meant boyfriend. 

But oh, you were so so wrong. You knew it as soon as you stepped into the hospital after an extremely tiring day at university, and saw people staring at you. You reached your supervisor’s cabin to mark your attendance, and he too gave you the weirdest looks. The peak of the entire farce was when Hyerin, your closest friend at the internship, whispered to you after hugging you warmly to welcome you back, “YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND?!” Aargh. 

“He’s not a boyfriend. He’s just the patient I’m taking care of. He randomly messed with me and introduced himself as my Oppa.”

“BUT I HAD NO IDEA HE’S LIKE A YOUNG GUY? I thought he’s a sixty-something fellow, no offence to old men who call themselves Oppa-”

“Yeah he’s a young guy. I told you he had broken his leg?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah. Breaking legs doesn't require the person to be old. It was an accident while he was crossing the street.”

 “Still! This changes thing, hmmmm” she smirks, and you know where it’s headed. “Being in close quarters with a man only slightly older than you… are you sure he’s not dashingly sexy? Not a sugar daddy type? I could come and help you in your nursing job then.”

“No, and no. He is pretty good-looking, but I don’t care. Now move and let me start my work before boss comes and sends me on a leave again.” Hyerin wasn’t that close to you to know about the deepest secret of your heart. No one except your one childhood bestie knew about it. And you both had sworn on your childhood rings to never divulge secrets. 

_

To make matters worse, you played a voice note sent by Jeonghan loudly, as soon as you got out of the operation theatre. Right in the corridor. 

In your defence, he had sent three messages just before and after that, definitely impatient that you hadn’t heard his voice note, saying URGENT!, and you had fallen for the bait. Instantly playing it, without realising your volume was full, you cringed and almost threw your phone away instantly. 

Napipopeta piripu pipiretta. Napi-

“You’re watching Instagram reels at work?!” Somehow your supervisor had also come out into the corridor and had heard the voice note. “You know social media is banned when you’re on duty!” 

“Sir, I was just listening-” 

“No arguments! So irresponsible. You’ll be staying back till 10 pm today, Y/N!”

_

“Okay Nurse L/N. Enough of the silent treatment. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be something I’m not… I just didn’t think of the consequences as much. Sorry, please?” He gave you the softest puppy eyes ever given by humankind, as you ate the ramen you had made for dinner.

You hadn’t uttered a single word since returning, just too upset and tired. But now you had to say it. “Was that voice note a joke?”

His eyes widened, “I- I just sent it… thinking your mood would become better hearing it… my fans really like that song…”

You bite your lower lip.

“My boss heard me playing it. That’s why I came home late.”

He stays silent for a minute. “I’m sorry if it got you into trouble. I just thought…”

And out of spite, just out of spite, and pent-up emotions spilling over, you say the worst thing ever. 

“Your voice can never make my mood better, Jeonghan-ssi.”

_

Something had snapped between the two of you since that day. 

You had tried to build up a wall between you two, trying to keep distance that you felt was necessary to get your heart used to what was just coming within two weeks. He tried to break that wall, going out of the way to be with you, even helping you study for an exam coming up. He was needing lesser and lesser care by the day, as he regained strength in his legs, and was quite determined to live by his old habits. He would leave the house without waiting for your support, he would cook sometimes, he would also do the laundry. 

He did everything to make you feel lesser and lesser wanted in the house.

And you really took the cue. You started minimising your interactions. Even sleeping in the same room became too difficult for you, and you spent many hours on the couch before going to your bed, waiting for him to fall asleep. You would limit conversation to the necessities, taking all possible steps to reduce his dependency on you. 

“Why are you doing this?” He asks you, one night, after you both had lied down in your beds but it was obvious that sleep eluded you. 

“What?” You whisper back, hesitant. “This. Becoming far away from me.”

There are massive pauses between your replies, and you can hear him holding in his breath through the entire pause.

“You anyway don’t need me much. It’s only best if I move away from you.”

“Physically perhaps- but I thought we could be…”

“Hmm?”

“Friends. Are we not friends?”

Friends. You had stopped wanting to be friends for a very long time now.

“It’s not possible. You and I belong to different worlds, as cliche as it sounds. We can’t be friends.”

“Why not?”

“Have you seen how your fans have taken to stalking me on my social media? I’ve had to delete my accounts everywhere. If they find out who I am, they’re not just going to kill me, but the contract and all the payment I got from this job will be forfeited.”

“Kill you? Isn’t that too extreme?” You can hear him shuffle closer to your end in his bed, his voice closer to you now. 

“They’re going to brand me as a golddigger. And even if they don’t kill me, I’ll definitely kill myself then.” 

“There, again you and your pride.”

“You’re laughing at my self-respect?”

“No, I respect it. Not many can be so stoic.”

“Goodnight, Yoon Jeonghan.”

“Nurse L/N.”

You don’t want to reply. You pretend you’re asleep.

“Y/N-aah.”

You know he’s heard the change in your breath and he continues. “There are really just six days left?”

“We can reduce it if you like.”

“Can you not be so snappy? It’s really not funny anymore.” He sounds agitated, his voice on the verge of breaking. 

“Are you really saying this to me? Why do I have the responsibility to make it seem funny? You have a problem with me having real emotions too?”

“I never said I have a problem with anything. But this attitude of yours is, frankly, uncalled for, in my opinion. Or you’re not telling me something I should know. And this is bothering me.”

Another pause before you reply. 

“I’m going to leave in six days, Yoon Jeonghan. You better stop being bothered by me.”

_

You don’t know what’s come over you. Suddenly you can’t breathe in the house anymore. You don’t even want to call it home these days. 

Ever since that conversation, Jeonghan had stopped putting in as much effort. You had far overstayed your welcome, and he really needed you to be gone now. Maybe get a girlfriend to visit him. Must’ve been sad without sex for three months for him. Your heart ached every morning when you saw him as soon as your eyes fluttered open- an angelic face, his mouth slightly parted open as he slept in his dream world. You wanted to kiss him (honestly every minute nowadays you did, even if you burnt yourself up, that desire did not disappear.)

It was a crush, you convinced yourself. Finals were coming up, you’d get busy, you’d forget about him. Easy peasy. And yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to delete the little gallery of pictures you had formed in your phone- including photos he had sent you, photos of him that you had taken, and the three photos of you two together.

The first had been clicked on the night when he had let go of his wheelchair and first taken up the crutch. Many of his bandmates were there, and they had all cheered loudly. Because you had been standing right next to him, holding his arm to stabilise him, Wonwoo had clicked a photo of you too right at the moment when he was looking into your eyes with the joy of letting go of the wheelchair, and you were looking right back at him. It was a coincidental photo, and a photo meant to be only of Jeonghan, but you kept smiling when you looked at it. It almost gave the illusion that it was … for lack of better words, a photograph of affection. 

The second was a selca. Correction, it was Jeonghan’s selca, which he had clicked without you even knowing, so you were obliviously watching the drama on the television, eating ice cream. He had even posted it on Weverse, blurring you out obviously. But his fans had caught the second hand in the photograph, zoomed into it, and somehow figured out it was a female hand, and then conducted several polls amongst themselves whether it was his girlfriend, his sister, his mother, his friend or his nurse (how would they ever know though?). The results of the poll had been varied, and some had even claimed: guys we don’t know if the nurse and the girlfriend are different people hehehe you know what i mean!! Ugh, these conspiracy theories. 

The third one had been the most recent one. You were on a video call with your childhood friend, and he had just entered the room without knocking. He had said hi to your friend, who had smirked and giggled and tried to make suggestive comments until you winked at her to shut the fuck up. Finally he had left after asking you some really redundant questions, making you wonder why he had even entered your room. Your best friend had taken a screenshot of the two of you talking, and she had practically squealed over call god, he’s so handsome!!!! And he’s so in love with you!!! Did you see how he was doting on your face with every word you uttered?! AWWWW! Y/N, I’d say wife him up immediately!

You had laughed then, and you laughed at it now. Every time you scrolled through this secret gallery, you had nothing but a fond smile tugging at your lips, no matter how distant you wanted to make yourself from the man, who had slowly, but surely, taken up all of your heart, and was showing absolutely no intention to leave. 

_

You packed your bags and stood in front of the door, waiting for Jeonghan to bring whatever he was looking for in his bedroom. He had vehemently protested against you helping him, and as a result, a search that could’ve been completed in seconds, was now taking minutes. 

Eventually, he appeared. He had a bag for you in his outstretched hand, and you silently took it from him. Peeping in, you saw everything was wrapped with paper. “What’s this for?” “Thank you, Nurse L/N for taking care of me.” He smiled, continuing, “I don’t know why you’re angry at me. But I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you in any way. Please accept my gift.” Your heart was melting with each step he took towards you, eventually so close that you could see your reflection in his eyes. It was too close for you to breathe, but you realised you wanted to get used to this proximity.

“Thank you, then. Jeonghan-ssi, you’ve been an excellent employer these past three months. Thank you for taking good care for me, as well” and you lightly bow. 

“How do I see you again?” You’re stunned. Why does he want to see you? “Do I have to break my leg again?” his whispers grow ragged.

You try to crack a joke, “Or you could break an arm,” but he doesn’t smile. He seems impatient for an actual answer. “Or you could call me. We can hang out once every couple of months, if you’re free. Or you could just… you know, call and talk.”

He wants to say something, but your phone begins to ring. Your best friend must have arrived downstairs to give you a ride to her house. You had decided to stay with her for the remainder of the university term.

“Goodbye, Yoon Jeonghan-ssi.”

“Goodbye, Y/N. I’ll miss having you around.” 

You don’t believe him. You think he’s just being nice. But oh, somewhere deep down, you hope it’ll be true. You smile at him, tight-lipped, but genuine. He doesn’t smile back.

And just like that, you’re gone. 

_

The next month, you don’t hear from him at all. Your internship has also ended, and you’ve started studying hard, applying to various specialisation courses, and basically trying to forget him. It works, frankly, because with your closest friend around, you have your mind on other things. Such as her extremely toxic situationship, which she doesn’t even realise is harming her, but you keep warning her to step off. Such as her mother baking cookies for you as winter sets in. Such as visiting your own mother’s grave once every week, to give her flowers, a new ritual you’ve set up. 

It’s on one of these bus rides to the park which has her grave that you cross the hospital where you had your internship. And you spot, your eyes instantly going wide, a certain familiar someone standing at the bus stop right outside the hospital.

You’d have recognised him from miles away. Even if it’s really late in the evening, the twilight setting in, you can recognise him. 

You want to look away and continue the ride to the original destination. You want to ignore him. You want to push away the thought of him waiting (for who?) in front of the hospital where you worked at while staying with him.

But you can’t. You immediately step out of the bus, paying your fare, and walk up a little bit to reach the spot he’s standing. He’s looking the other way so he doesn’t really notice when you come and stand behind him. Until you cough a bit.

And you’ve never seen Yoon Jeonghan smile this brightly before. Never. Not while you were in his house, not even in the videos of him that miraculously come up on your Youtube algorithm now. 

“What are you doing here?” you don’t know why, but your voice cannot go beyond a whisper. In the empty streets after dark, he can hear you clearly though.

“You came.” he whispers back.

“You were waiting for me?”

“Who else would I wait for in front of the hospital you worked at?”

“I don’t work there anymore. My internship is over.”

“So I heard. But I had no idea where you live now, and apparently it’s not safe to go to your university if I have to keep you a secret.”

“But waiting in front of a hospital in the dark is safe?”

“It’s a hospital. No one is looking at me here. I’m not the important person here, for anyone.”

You can’t help but say, “You are, for me.”

_

The stars are out, the cars are flashing by, and you’re walking alongside Yoon Jeonghan on a silent road. Sometimes your arms brush, sometimes he smiles too much for your heart to take, sometimes you look at him for so long that he breaks eye contact. For once in your life, you don’t want to overthink this. Even if tomorrow you wake up and realise this was a dream, you want to live the best dream of your life till the end. 

“Hey,” he whispers when you zone out. You’re standing under a streetlamp now, the smell of flowers from the trees around you filling the air. You’re 100 metres away from a tteokbokki stall, and you want to ask him if he wants to eat some, but he holds your hand at that moment. 

“Y/N.”

“No more Nurse L/N?”

“You’ve stopped being Nurse L/N for me for a long time now.”

Your heart stops. He grazes his thumb over your pulse point. You think you’ll combust.

“Your palm is sweaty, Y/N. Are you nervous?”

How can you not be when he’s right there, in front of you, so close… but still so far? You don’t know how you landed up like this, after an entire month of avoidance, but knowing that he came every evening to look for you in front of your hospital, waiting till the shift was scheduled to get over, has melted your heart beyond control. 

“You’ve cut your hair again.” You finally say.

“Is it looking nice?”

“Hmm… makes you look sharper.”

“Huh?” His eyes are becoming wide now.

You take your other hand out of your pocket and touch his hair with a featherlike touch. “But it’s still so pretty. You won’t cut me, will you?”

He smiles, and leans in, and you can sense him breathing you in. You must be smelling like sweat and grime by now but he doesn’t seem to care. Eventually he places his chin on your head and time has stopped. You can’t help but snuggle into the warm cavity of his body, gently placing yourself against his strong chest, as you can feel now. And somehow, his hands leave yours, and wrap themselves around your back. 

It’s a hug.

And then it’s a kiss on your forehead. A kiss on your scalp. And a kiss in your hair. And you snuggle deeper and deeper into him. 

He pats your hair gently, and you mumble into his chest. “What took you so long, Hannie? Why didn’t you come to me sooner?” it’s half feverish you know, you don’t even expect him to reply. And yet he does. 

“Oh, but Y/N-ah, I’ve been coming to you forever, why did you keep pushing me away, baby?” And you spread your hands around him too, pulling him deeper, until you’re both too squished, and have to move apart for air. 

But only a little bit, just enough so that you can see his face, and he holds your face in his big palms. 

“Y/N-ah. Do you want to come home with me? I want to watch a new episode of the k-drama with you. I’ve really fallen behind it without having you to watch with.”

You smile, his eyes glitter up with the reflection.

“Of course. But only if you promise to hug me more.”

“No. No more hugs. Can I kiss you?”

You suck in a deep breath, lips parting already, at the wonderful tingle going through your body. You could cry right now, with the time he takes to move in and place his lips on yours gently. 

And you do cry. One stray tear escapes your closed eyes, and he kisses that away too.

“Hannie…”

“I’m yours, Y/N-ah. If you’ll have me, forever yours.”

“Of course I’ll have you.”

“Sorry if I kept you waiting for long.”

“It’s okay. You’re worth the wait, anyway.” You smile as you press a kiss on his nose, his little button nose you’ve always found cute. You stand up on your toes and kiss his eyes and his eyebrows and his forehead, but then he stops you. “Baby, let’s go home and then you can kiss me?”

How can you ever say no to Yoon Jeonghan? How could he even think that you’d say no?

“Of course, Hannie. I love you.”

“And I love you, baby.” Another kiss on your lips, and you know you’ve seen heaven. Because if Yoon Jeonghan isn’t the equivalent of heaven, you don’t want to know what is.

[halogenwarrior]

I have seen a lot of human AU Jayfeathers where he is a doctor to match with him being a medicine cat, but I really think this isn't the best human translation of his situation. In the Warriors world there are only two jobs bar leaders and stay at home parents, and one of them is the doctor equivalent, with the tension being that cats want to pressure him into the medicine cat job for both believing a blind cat can't be a warrior and because of his powers. Neither of which make sense in a modern human AU - while people certainly might think a blind person would fail at a physical fighting-related job (and be more justified than in the actual series due to cat vs. human senses), there aren't just two jobs in existence so no one is pressuring blind people into specifically being a doctor because that's the "only other option" if they can't be a soldier. And if it's a "realistic" human AU I'm assuming the powers aren't a thing either.

Ok, but what if you don't want to take a "forced to have a job" angle and just want to focus on being a medicine cat as something Jayfeather wants and has gotten comfortable with? Which seems to be halfway what canon is going for, the author's essay "Why is Jaypaw blind" makes it clear the intention was that he actually both likes and is talented at being a medicine cat but feels like it would be proving a stereotype right and rewarding others' low expectations of him, so he avoids what he actually wants (but the message got horribly muddled by not having him come to this realization on his own and instead be forced into it because of Destiny). Ok, but a medicine cat isn't the same as a modern human doctor, because it also has a spiritual role, and the part of being a medicine cat that Jayfeather actually likes isn't the doctor part, it's the "delving deep into the spiritual mysteries of his world, feeling powerful and knowledgable and commanding the stars themselves" part of it.

So I propose... a human Jayfeather who's (in training to be a) physicist! I feel like he would be attracted to a career that allows him to analyze the mysteries of how the world functions on its deepest level, to know what others don't about realms that defy the natural way of thinking of things but underpin everything, and you could still have the equivalent of his career choice difficulties in this AU. One thing I've heard from actual physicists is that people who are poor at coordinating themselves, getting into accidents, etc. in experimental labs get directed to theoretical physics instead, and this could absolutely work with his story; he works in experimental labs but everyone is very skeptical he can do it because he is blind, which just leads to him digging in further - if he gets shafted into being a "stereotypical" theoretical physicist, he would feel he has proven everyone right about being seen as useless, so he fights against it. But the truth is that what he likes most about physics is the theoretical and intellectual, far more than just the work of experiments, and he slowly comes to realize that it would be better suited for him for reasons that have nothing to do with his disability.

[potatowoogan]

My Options On a WH Hospital AU?

Soo I just wanted to make this AU rant. I've seen a couple hospital/doctor AUs of WH and as someone who has been in and out of a hospital I better understand a lot of the roles Doctors, Nurses, CNA’s (according to google CNA stands for Certified Nursing Assistant) Ect.

I just wanna note for anyone who doesn’t know, that I didn’t come up with the original idea of making a hospital AU. Until I find out who made the first one to make the Hospital AU I will leave the credits to the original AU maker unknown as I truly don’t know who did do it but if ya know please let me know.

Some context

So a little context to better understand this version of this AU not everyone is a hospital staff member like in the other hospital AUs. You and or your ocs or the WH characters can literally just be existent in the AU as serving no serious purpose to the story (if you’d like to place yourself or an Oc into the AU you can comment what you/oc would play a role in I’d like to see what ya come up with).

Wally:

I have seen Wally be out as more so a director/doctor Also known as the Chief of medicine in the hospitals I have gone to (or can be known as the Medical Director depending on what ya call it at your hospital ya go to).

personality I just don’t see Wally as being a doctor, but if ya really wanted him on the team as one of the main medical staff then I’d see him more as a CNA. Anyways only because if we were to go off the cannon way that he understands stuff, he could help in assistance with nursing stuff. And not have it be souly on him to figure out all of the solutions to the problems, and instead he’d have a lot of guidance while being there to help. Also because is more less demanding role I’d say he would fit better in a hospital story as a CNA. That’s what I have him as in my personal hospital AU aka personal as in its in my head not on paper (the one I am kinda sharing a little of rn I guess, though I won’t share a lot as it’s more so one that I’ll keep to myself for now). Cause if we were to go based off of the cannon attributes that he displays it would match him because they don’t do as much as a full time nurse but still can help people (and or puppets in this case).

So Yeah I think that would fit him, especially in the children's ward or the general inpatient stay floor, definitely NOT the ICU where I go when I need to go to the hospital. Form what I know that’s one of the busiest floors

CNA Explained (For those who needs it)

According to Google’s description of a CNA with a little bit of my input. it’s an Entry-level role the providers for patients and nurses and can help in transfer of a patient (for those who don’t know what I am referring to when I say transfer, that’s when a patient arrives form an ambulance and can’t move themselves from the stretcher to the hospital bed), bathing help usually done with a nurse as well (or do form my experience that’s my understanding), feeding the patients. And also restocking the medical storage closet rooms and logging down patients information and history)

Julie & Barnaby (what I see them as)

As I mentioned I have spent a lot of time in a hospital. A good member/role of the staff that have seemed to help me get through stuff are Child Life/Volunteers. They help kids greatly with distractions like playing games that the child/children choses (lol ya kinda see where this is heading but for real that’s what the Child Life’s job entails)

Julie was portrayed as a nurse in a lot of the AUs and as for Barnaby I don’t know because I haven’t gotten that far into knowing the hospital AUd too much (as info on a lot of them is limited but, I would like to know so if ya have known about a hospital Au post or make one of your own ya can link it or send me the post) anyways I’d see those two working as a Child Life specialist because they are into games and support kids ect. Also I’d see Barnaby as the Head of the Child Life team as he can keep a conversation more straight than Julie but either way I’d see them as being on that team more that the main medical staff also Wally could go there too but yea either works for your mind and opinion.

Howdy, Eddie, Poppy, & Sally:

Personally again, I don’t see em as being on a medical staff team whatsoever. so they’d just merely exist and serve no purpose like explained above. And also I don't know what role would be good for them if ya did put em in (what roles would ya have em in and why?).

Frank:

Yes the Grumpy Man’s himself lol. If ya were to have him as any doctor in a hospital AU and or your Hospital AU then I’d see him as being an anesthesiologist (in a children's Ward mainly though can see some adults if that’s what ya wish to have in mind) and here’s why. The patients would be put to sleep anyways so he wouldn’t need to chat with people too much. Ya can through his grumpiness and sternness and he’s still kind hearted on the inside (a tough but caring for patients surgeon vibes though I absolutely don’t see him as a surgeon but what do ya think? Would you have him as a surgeon in your AU? And or see him as being one in a hospital AU?). I feel like for kid patients he’d be more explanatory towards them if they need to. Also with the professionalism he has the potential to have (at almost any career in almost any AU) he would probably stick up for what’s right for the kiddos/patients.

I might draw a little sketch of Frank in bug scrubs soon so Yee I’ll post that whenever I’m ready.

Ya can reblog or whatever. If ya do take inspiration off of this AU I don’t care about credits as idk how to explain it but I don’t necessarily feel the most comfortable being an AU creator I just wanted to put my thoughts out there.

Also I will probably add in the other characters at some point (Seeya and Latter as they were in this AU dream of mind but I don’t really feel ready to share)

(As y’all know) WH is owned by Clown :)

[lastsubstance]

How the TS gang feels about Kuras

(The Alchemist.) When everyone disperses and you have to choose who to follow.

Asking about Kuras.

You follow Ais.

MC: I didn’t know that you and Kuras were friends.

Ais: In a way. I help him in the clinic sometimes. Doctor doesn’t let most people closer than arm’s length.

MC: And you do?

Ais: Heart’s on my sleeve.

               Get the sense Kuras was like that in the past. Must’ve been burned.

He trails off after the last few words. Then shrugs.

Ais: He opens up in his own ways, if he’s relaxed enough.

MC: I don’t know how to even imagine that.

Ais: You’d be surprised. Even the doctor has an endearing side.

I can’t decide what’s more intriguing: the fact that Kuras has an “endearing side,” or the idea that Ais has managed to coax it out of him.

Ais: Tell me if you uncover any of his other secrets. I’d kill to know more.

You follow Leander.

MC: Do you and Kuras work together?

Leander: Occasionally. Did the mysterious, competent doctor catch your eye?

—OPTION SELECT—(Select "He seems like a good person")—

MC: He seems like a good person, though it’s hard to believe anyone’s a good person these days.

Leander: That’s Kuras. He works hard to serve the people of Lowtown.

               He’s a miracle worker, even if his beside manner could use some work.

MC: Do you think he might be able to cure my curse?

Leander starts to speak, but pauses to consider me for a moment first.

Leander: …Kuras is good, but he’s only a doctor.

               Besides, unless you’re actively dying he’ll make you wait in line all day like everyone else.

—OPTION SELECT—(Select “He came across as cold”)—

MC: I get the impression he’s a bit cold.

Leander: A doctor with his level of expertise and perfect service? Impossible.

               He never warns you if something’s gonna sting, and he’s stingy with the pain medicine too.

               But at least he treats everyone the same. That’s something I suppose.

You follow Mhin.

MC: You and Kuras seem to get along, though.

The tense lines of Mhin’s features soften.

Mhin: He’s an exception. Few people are willing to help others; fewer when there’s any risk involved. And of them, Kuras is unique.

I have a feeling that Mhin doesn’t smile often. But the curve of their lips, however slight, is unmistakable.

They catch themselves, their expression closing off with a near-audible snap.

Mhin: He’s not the worst. A decent doctor, even if he asks too many questions.

               But nothing is really free here.

MC: Unique is one way to describe his work.

Unconsciously, I grip my stitched arm, where the Soulless severed it. Mhin glances at me almost knowingly.

Mhin: The only one of its kind; not replicable by anyone else. It’s a fitting word.

I wonder what injuries Kuras has healed for Mhin, and whether they know how he does it.

But if they did, I doubt they’d tell me.

You follow Vere.

MC: I wanted to ask you about K—

I regret speaking as soon as I start. Vere’s mentioned Kuras before, though not by name.

His reaction last time was nasty, but I can’t back down now. Not with Vere eyeing me suspiciously.

Vere: About…?

MC: The doctor, Kuras.

I tense, ready for a blowback, but Vere only flicks his hand dismissively.

Vere: Bit of a bore if you ask me, but he’s popular enough.

               You know, on account on his massive…heart.

He winks, as though the stress he placed on “heart” wasn’t already suggestive.

Vere: There’s always a line wrapped around the block for his services. People can’t seem to get enough of his special medicine,

MC: Probably because he doesn’t charge anything.

Vere’s tail gives an impatient twitch.

Vere: Or they’re eager for a little mouth-to-mouth with their pelvic examination, if you get what I mean.

When I grimace, Vere gains wolfishly at me. There’s clearly no point in asking him anything else about Kuras.

[ask-roqia-elahi]

only us three... or not? | Roqia's Backstory + facts

Gore + Blood + Death warning :D

Roqia Elahi, the only child of a baker and a tailor from Iran. Their family had a peaceful life, with the father, Abbas, running the local bakery, and the mother, Zeynab, helping her husband in paying rent and buying the necessities with tailoring clothes for various family and friends.

Everything was fine, until when Roqia was 4, her mother was diagnosed with a severe case of ITP— a blood disorder characterized by a decrease in the number of platelets— and she was unable to help Abbas as much and, more importantly, was forbidden to give birth to any other child since it could cause grave consequences. Roqia felt forever lonely and the family would probably cease to exist.

Turned out that a few doctors in Japan are investigating on a cure for ITP; therefore, Roqia's father sold his house, and the mother's jewelry, to travel there in order to cure mother. Roqia was 6 here.

Yet, after a few months, a demon attacked father's workplace and killed everyone. They had little savings, and soon, there would be no money left to afford the expensive and experimental medicine for mother— who also died of heart failure caused by the shock and depression she received. The last bits of money was spent to ship the two corpses back to Iran, but Roqia couldn't go back.

Now she was all alone, in a foreign country, without no one to go back to.

She spent two years begging in the streets, against her wishes, since no one accepted an Iranian, young girl to work for them. She knew tailoring and had big talent in art, but seemed like no one liked a tailor or an artist with a hijab.

She could go to the red light district and work as a maid, but again her hijab and religion forbid both her and the owners from taking her in a house. So she kept on begging, as her only option left to live with.

Until one night, another demon attacked the village she lived in. As she was sleeping outside, she was its first target. Roqia woke up and, seeing the demon, screamed for help, and luckily, a demon slayer quickly arrived, beheading the demon and saving Roqia.

The demon slayer seemed to not care about her religion. When He realized she was homeless, he took her in where he lived and treated her with kindness. Roqia describes him and the other people who helped her back on her feet as "saviors sent from god".

Said demon slayer was in fact, the tsuguko and son of the Ethereal hashira, Amaya Mizuki, who was soon to retire. A year afterwards and after her retiring, Amaya asked Roqia if she wants to become a demon slayer and learn ethereal breathing from her as her second apprentice. The nine-year-old Roqia gladly accepted.

She trained for two years under Amaya's guidance, and did her final selection at eleven years old.

Amaya's son, Ichiro, was killed by lower moon one (Enmu) while being on a mission in the mugen train. Roqia's now trying her best in quickly becoming the ethereal hashira to replace Amaya as soon as possible.

at first, Roqia kept thinking of going back to Iran, but becoming a demon slayer made her realize she had to continue living in Japan to take revenge for her parents and save people who might experience the same death as her father.

Despite living in Japan, Roqia never abandoned Islam and fasts each Ramadan.

^ this doesn't bother her on missions though, as demons only appear after sunset and when she's opened her fast!

The lil bag she has with her in the lowest panel on the mini comic is the last things she picked from her parents' belongings before leaving the house behind.

^ they'd rented the house and she was thrown out the house after her mother's death.

^ inside the bag is a Qur'an, a small prayer book, her dad's blue prayer beads (not like Gyomei's– small ones that you can hold in your hand and count your prayers with, called Tasbih), food, a family drawing from her childhood, a sketchbook, and some bandage.

She enjoys drawing nature and people in her sketchbook.

She loves reading (that's why she has two books in her bag lol)

Her Hijab is actually for her mother and her ring is one that her father would wear when he was young.

She's thinking of making herself a haori, but pitch black like a chador. This way she won't be seen easily in the night either.

Tagging the amaizngs @larz-barz @love-stvrs @iincogneeto

[lady-severus-snape]

Random headcannon #987

Severus is a feminist and a champion to one he decides to love.

In the U.S. alone close to an estimated 6 million women suffer from PCOS (myself included) , this does not include those that have not been diagnosed.

****************************

Severus would absolutely be appalled and down right foaming at the mouth when he finds his woman curled up on the bathroom floor crying from pain.

Severus (Concerned, bends down to help you): Darling, what is the matter? Are you hurt? Talk to me?

Y/N (whimpering and writhing in pain): yea, I'm OK. A cyst probably burst. I already took the maximum dose of acetaminophen for today. So hopefully it will take the edge off.

Severus (worried about you): what? What do you mean a cyst has ruptured?! Where?! Max dosage? Woman, that's about 2000mg!

Y/N (grunts and pants through the wave of pain): An ovarian cyst probably burst, and/or I'm having severe menstrual cramps. Yea, short of prescription pain killers, that's what I have on hand. Don't worry I made sure to eat so it doesn't fuck me up more.

Severus could only listen in horror. His woman looked and sounded like she was dying, and all she explained was that a cyst, an ovarian cyst at that exploded internally, and she said was it's was ok?!

Severus: Lovey, we need to get you to the hospital. (Helps Y/N into the room)

Y/N: no, that's OK. They won't do anything. The most they will do is maybe a scan, blood work, and maybe ibuprofen before sending me home with instructions to rest, use a heating pad, and more Tylenol. It's not worth the cost of the visit. I'll fine Sev, honest. Not the first time it's happened and won't be the last.

Severus (mouth dropped open, aghast): what?! What. Do. You. Mean. They. Won't. Do. Anything. You're literally agonizing in pain. They have to do something, they just can't dismiss your problems. It's happened before? When? Why? How?

Y/N (Climbs into bed and curls up): Severus, baby, I hate to break it to you, the medical community don't give a shit about us women. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. There is no cure and only like 4-5 medicinal options to manage the symptoms. It took me nearly 20 years to recieve a diagnosis. Dr's called me crazy, depressed, hallucinating, that everything was normal.

Severus felt white hot anger course through his veins. His Y/N was in clear pain, distress, and who knows what else. The muggle doctors failed to help his love.

Severus asked y/n many questions in regards to it until he saw she was nodding off to sleep, the pain finally retracting enough. His mind was already running with possible potion ideas. He needed more information. He walked over to the small library y/n had built over time and pulled every book she had on PCOS. By the 3rd book it was obvious to him, that the information was repeating/recycling itself:

-hormonal problem -uncontrollable weight gain -excess body and facial hair(all the depilatory supplies made more sense) -female patterned hair loss(it explained why she always wore her hair up and always with a hat or scarf) -depression -super heavy and painful menstrual cycles or lack of one -cysts developing not just internally but also outwardly -infertility -high insulin levels

Treatments: hormone contraceptives, metformin or other type 2 diabetic medications, spironolactone or other hair growth inhibiting medications, losing weight, and excersize.

Severus peaked into the bedroom when he heard y/n whimper in her sleep. Another cramp of pain was hitting. His grip on the book tightened until it started to smoke and smolder from his magic, acting to his emotions. Taking a deep breath to calm himself, he weighed his options. He would have to delve into extensive research. What good was his potions mastery if he didn't utilize it. The rest of the weekend was spent with him taking care of y/n through what seemed to him a very hard and agonizing menstrual cycle.

^food in bed ^long soaks in the bathtub with his own personal muscle relaxant ^snacks and chocolate galore ^pampering of every kind you could think of

Once y/n was right as rain, Severus consumed research like a man possessed. Muggle medical reports, studies, and pharmaceuticals. Hell, he even researched for it in the magical world. Boy, was he sorely disappointed. If he thought muggle medicine was lack luster in regards to PCOS, then the magical community was left in the dust! Nothing, zip, zero, nada was found in correlation to PCOS. There is nothing to even address the barest of symptoms! Severus had never been so....so......so......horrified! Armed with rage, spitefulness, and indignation on behalf of y/n, Severus plunges into the world of the unknown for PCOS. Experimental potions safe for muggle use, others for the witches. Thankfully, he has some basis from when he modified the wolfsbane potion. As his research progressed, he discovered that the magical birth rates were low due to not only the inbreeding for blood purity, but in actuality, PCOS was also common amongst the magical woman folk. This led him down another rabbit hole that played on genetics.

After many failed results, Severus managed to find the right combination for y/n. It wasn't a cure by any means of the imagination, but it was far cry from the plebian options offered. His elixir, taken consistently, would lower the excess androgen levels and keep the cortisol level low. It worked better than the aforementioned muggle drugs. He still had problems finding a solution to the whole ovulating problem without causing severe side effects worse than the muggle drugs, but by the gods, he was working on it. Y/N's hair was already growing back fuller, thicker, healthier. Even the beard and mustache she let herself grow out for the sake of research (and laziness. Why should she worry about her beard if it didn't bother Severus. If anything, he was slightly jelly at how glorious hers was; it wasn't fair) had begun to thin out, practically patchy in some spots. But most importantly, to Severus, seeing the how y/n flourished, the femininity of her unrestrained from the dismorphia caused by PCOS. Free from the debilitating pain and suffering. It was breath taking, it made everything he had done worth it to see his love and hopefully the rest of the women population heard and seen.

[alotofpockets]

Seeking help | Kate Bishop

Paring: Kate Bishop x Reader

Warnings: Reader deals with mental health issues, mentioned anxiety and depression. Angst.

Summary: Reader seeks help for their mental health at a institution that offers a 6 month program. Will Kate wait for y/n, despite y/n saying she can move on?

A/N: I apologize for any inaccuracies, please remember that this is fiction and I don't have all experiences myself.

Masterlist | Marvel masterlist | Words: 1.3k

You’ve been struggling with mental health issues for a long time now, but lately your anxiety and depression have been getting worse again. Taking your medicine doesn’t seem to have any effect and it’s making you very easily agitated. You’re noticing yourself sinking away, and messing up in your relationship more and more. While struggling to take care of yourself, it feels impossible to also be there for Kate. It’s not like you don’t want to, you’re just unable to. 

It had never been this bad and you knew that you needed help, you had done some research and found a program a couple of cities over. It was a mental health institution that focussed on long term mental issues, they offered psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors to help with medication, among many other things that you felt like you might need on your journey on getting better. 

Now came the part where you had to tell Kate. You were not looking forward to the conversation but you know you had to do it sooner or later. Kate sat down with you at the kitchen table while you explained the struggles you’ve been facing. “I need help Kate, I can’t keep going like this.” You could see that Kate was trying to stay strong, she had noticed things weren’t going well of course, and she had tried to support you to the best of her abilities. She didn’t know it had gotten this bad though. The two of you had a big conversation on your options. But you had your heart set on being alone and getting professional help. 

"I don't want to lose you, but if I keep going like this, I know I will. I need to get this help, it's a six month program. One of the program's rules is no outside contact.” Next came the part of the conversion that you were dreading. “ I love you, Kate, but I don't want you to wait around for me, that wouldn't be fair. I want you to live your life Kate, and if that means you're moving on from me, that's okay." It hurt you to say that but like you said, you hadn't been good for her and who knows if the program would even help you get better. You couldn't ask her to wait for you, to see if you'd get back to the loving girlfriend you had been before. Kate knew better than to argue with you when you had your mind set on something. With tears streaming down her face she let you know that she understood. "When are you leaving?" You didn't want to hurt her more, which is why you signed yourself up right away. “I’m leaving tonight. There's a bus that leaves at 9pm." Kate was quiet for a moment. "Please let me drive you?" You nod in agreement, "Okay." 

You say your goodbyes as she hands you your bags. Kate is about to turn back around to her car when you take her hand and pull her into a hug. “I’m sorry.” You say barely above a whisper. As you’re walking towards the entrance Kate calls after you, “Take care of yourself please.” You freeze in place, that’s the point you can no longer hold back your tears. “You too.” You say without turning back around. You open the door and walk to the reception desk to officially sign in. 

** SIX MONTHS LATER **

After six months of therapy, hard work and lots of group sessions, you finally felt like you were starting to be yourself again. You were happy, for the most part at least. You were scared to go back to your old life without having Kate by your side, but you would have to get used to that. You packed up all your stuff, including all of the journals and workbooks you had used during your stay, and headed out the door. 

You looked around wondering in which direction the bus stop was, since you didn’t end up taking it on the way there, when your eyes landed on a familiar car. You couldn't believe what you saw when you moved your eyes over a bit more and saw Kate sitting on a nearby bench. You rushed to her, hoping that maybe she hadn't given up on you after all, though she could also be here as a friend of course, so you rushed with caution. 

Kate stood up when she saw you heading her way. The smile on her face and love in her eyes was enough for you to know that your hope wasn't misplaced. You drop your bags and run the last few feet. You ran right into her arms, a place you missed so dearly. Her smell surrounded you and immediately made you feel like you were home. You held each other in silence for a long time. "I missed you so much." Kate whispered, breaking the silence. You felt your eyes welling up with tears, “I missed you too.” 

After a long time you break the hug. “Can I take you home?” Kate asks nervously. You smile at her, “Yes please.” The drive home is quiet, both just enjoying being in each other's presence again. Back home you sit down on the couch, Kate sits down with you. “I guess we’ve got some things that we need to talk about, right?” You nod and grab one of your notebooks. 

“Well, first off, I guess I should ask where we stand. You know, since I told you moving on would be okay.” Kate takes no time to respond to your question, “I am with you through the bad and the good, moving on was never an option. I think we might need to work on some things, but in my eyes it’s still you and me.” You're relieved to hear her say that. “To me too. And yeah, on the topic of working on things. I will continue to have weekly therapy sessions, and if you’re up for it I would like you to join me for a few.” Kate nods, “Of course.” You continue, “I need to pick up my new meds tomorrow and start on them right away, as well as log my thoughts and stuff like that. But that is for me personally, I know you were talking more about us related things. That’s where the notebook comes in. I have gotten lots of tips and exercises we could do to improve our communication on these harder topics, and the improvement from my side of course. Besides that I am open to whatever you want and need. I want to ensure that I won’t hurt you like I did again.” 

Together you read through the provided exercises, before sharing stuff from your time spent apart. When you’re all caught up Kate turns to you again. “There’s one thing I’ve been wanting to ask you ever since I saw you walk up to me.” - “What’s up? You can ask me anything.” 

“Can I kiss you?” Your lips curl up into a smile. Instead of answering her question with words you place your hand on her cheek and lean forward. Your lips meet hers, and the familiar feeling of her soft lips engulfs your senses. It was a soft kiss filled with longing. Once you parted from the kiss you stayed close to her, “I love you, Kate. Thank you for everything, it means the world to me.” Kate starts playing with your hair, an action that always soothes you, “I love you too.” “Can we order some pizzas?” Kate smiles “Oh, yes, for sure!”

[rileythelonelyalien]

Dottore x GN! reader: Medical ordeals

A/N: Hello! it's been a hot minute since my last post apologies for that, I've been quite held up with all my courses but I have some time off now so hopefully I'll be writing up all the idea I have saved up but for now I do hope you enjoy this fan fiction . This one is in fact based around an experience I've actually been through .

cw: description of a bad medical experience , mentions of blood.

You and Dottore had only become an item a short while ago , although feelings had blossomed much further back it had only become an official thing as of late. 

Dottore being a man of science and arguably medicine (albeit the medicine and ‘cures’ he provides are not orthodox to what a morally sound doctor would prescribe) over the time that he has known you he has done his best to collect medical records of yours so that he was aware what either ails you or what you would be prone too. However, try as he might he could never manage to find or secure your dental records and so he had to turn to his last option, asking you himself. Of course, he had asked you to bring anything concerning the matter to him under the premises that he needed more data for a statistic table that he was drawing up , although this was not the case.

You enter his lab the lights just as blindingly bright as always as you walk further into the sterile environment making sure to not touch anything as you wouldn't want to compromise your boyfriends work because of something so trivial. Tightly clutching you proceeded further into the laboratory. As you make your way to the back which is where your lover is most likely is, you notice a few of his clones working some of them were already acquainted with you and in your presence sent you a small wave before continuing their assigned tasks. However, some of the others who were still in the process of warming up to you snarled at you some even hissing , quote the amusing sight yet still very threatening. Doing your best to pay this unusual behaviour no mind , you quicken your pace once his desk come into view with his back facing you. Cautious to not startle the man you walk around the desk so that he is able to see your figure and alert him that you have arrived. Gently setting down the papers you give him a gentle smile. He brings his head up from the paper filled with many equations and diagrams scrawled on with seeming quick haste , he brings his face to look at yours. Somehow he claims he can see perfectly even with his mask on that looks like it covers his eyes , you struggle to comprehend just how he has managed to do this but knowing his genius this was entirely probable. Beneath his mask you watch his features soften and a sharp toothed smile take over the previous frown that was etched onto his face. Yet before you could point anything out or begin to say anything he quickly picks up the papers you had brought him flicking though them reading them at an incredible pace , although this may have been an adaptation in order for him to reduce time wasted on reading so that he can progress even faster with his projects none the less it was still immensely impressive. 

You decide to sit down on one of the few chairs by his desk and wait patiently until he finishes. A loud slamming of papers sounds thought the lab , Dottore has quickly set down the papers you had brought to him , the abruptness of the sudden sound making you jump slightly. You tilt your head slightly as you gently ask your lover ‘ Is everything okay ?’ you watch his features change from annoyance to a much softer expression at the mere sound of your voice. After a few moments of silence, he offers you a reply ‘ There seems to be some missing parts to your documents , do you happen to know what happened ?’ at the mention of this your expression changes ,your mouth in resemblances of an ‘o’ as you realise what he was talking about ‘Ah, that….’ you hesitate. Dottore leans in closer so that his face is closer to your own and places his hand on top of yours as if to provide some comfort and as a way of reassurance that what ever you say to him will be safe. With this gesture from him you feel much more comfortable in explaining everything to him. 

You take a small breath before conveying what happened in that one undocumented appointment:

You were young and were taken to the dentists in order to get a check up however this ended up with the need of tooth extraction… Unfortunately for you this was not going to be a straight forward as they promised it would be. You were sat in that chair a clear liquid being put onto your gums they were meant to stop any pain form affecting you , yet it wasn't taking effect. Despite knowing this they did not look to find a solution to this and proceeded with the extraction. Metal tools clamping down on your tooth steadying themselves in order to rip it out. Within moments the tooth is pulled out with immense force you could hear your own screams echo through the halls as your mouth began to pool with blood. The throbbing pain echoed thought your mouth and face with tears spilling over and running down your cheeks. This was a moment in your youth you would never forget. The emotionless faces that inflicted such pain on you the lights shining into your face and eyes , the throbbing pain. Everything was etched into your mind. Yet despite this entire ordeal the clinic that you had went to wanted to keep their pristine record of always satisfied patients and so they wiped this appointment and the results clean from any records that would exist. Of course, they are not able to erase someone's memory.

As you finish relating this story to him you noticed how his hand now gripped yours , tight but not tight enough to cause you any harm his face now contorted into a scowl. This was not what he was expecting to hear not in the slightest , although he has witnessed much worse when he conducts his experiments but when it came to you it was … different. You were worthy of being treated like the most precious jewels , so gracefully without bringing you any harm and yet some had the audacity to do such a sloppy job and dare to cover their tracks? Not on his watch. ‘Dottore? I hope this hasn't upset you dear’ You try to bring Dottore back from his thoughts yet as soon as you utter out those few words Dottore quickly proceeds to grab both of your hands with his own. ‘What a bunch of preposterous fools , treating you so poorly have no shame to act in such a way in the name of medicine?!?’ The hypocrisy from him was intense yet you were oblivious to his medical ‘ordeals’ and such his statement seemed comforting. He brings a gloved hand up to touch your cheek staring into your eyes through his mask ‘ My love in my hands you will only be treated with the upmost of care I can assure you with that!’ he vows to you. Being so infatuated with him all you can do it lean into his touch and hum in approval ‘I know my doctor will take good care of me’ you state before kissing his palm. 

[doodlehorseafternoon]

Might seem like a weird question but do you think it's wrong for a vet to specialize in a single species? I told a friend I wanted to specialize in cats and they called me rude for "not thinking about all the other small animals" :/

Not at all! This is a hot topic for me, so prepare for a long reply ;)

For context: A veterinarian can work on multiple species (everything, mixed small & exotics, mixed small & large, mixed equine & livestock, etc.), single species (equine only, dairy cow only, feline only etc.), industry (FDA, research, agriculture, department of health, etc.), a single specialty (neurology, soft tissue surgery, emergency medicine, cardiology, internal medicine, radiology, etc.), or they can do some blend over their life time. There's a million ways to work with a DVM. Some people specialize in one species or field and some don't.

The reason people specialize is because they are more comfortable or confident in one species versus another, or they have a strong interest in that species or field. That makes them better at the job they want to do in our field. They have decided to fill a particular need and be the best they can in that aspect of veterinary medicine.

I wouldn't see a small animal GP for my horses and vice versa. In the same way, cats are complicated. If you can become an excellent doctor working on cats and really developing your knowledge in that area? You are an asset to cat owners everywhere.

Along those lines: What about doctors who go on to specialize in neurology or surgery? What about the doctor who decides to specialize in large animal medicine instead of totally mixed practice?

Personally, I'm planning on working almost exclusively on horses with some small ruminant. I like cats, but dogs scare me. What good does it do for me to work on a species that declines my health to be with everyday? I have the potential to be an excellent equine doctor, but if someone told me I was required to work on dogs because I had to think of all of the species? I wouldn't enjoy my work and I wouldn't be as effective as a doctor. I'm better at equine medicine than I am at canine medicine. I know this, so I'm planning to work where I excel and can do best by people and their animals.

We learn a lot about diversifying our interests and keeping our options open in school, and I would recommend doing that. You never know if your mind will change, and having the basics to go off of for the major species is good to have. It will especially help for taking the NAVLE in fourth year. A broad basis will make you a better doctor in the long run outside of school just because it gives you more knowledge to work with.

But that being said, play to your strengths. If you love cats and want to work on them? Do that. If I love horses and want to be an equine practioner? Then that's what I should do. This profession is full of options and directions and niches. You will serve animals just as well in one place as another so long as you do work that fulfills you. There's a need for veterinarians everywhere, there's aspects of every species that are hard, and there's nothing wrong with picking one and getting really good at it.

Only you can decide what it is about veterinary medicine that fulfills your calling. We're all made different for a reason. Pigeon holing ourselves into someone else's idea of what it means to be a veterinarian will only ever make us upset and uncomfortable in our own lives. I'd rather be in this profession for 40 years than burn-out after 4, you know?

If you want to be a feline only vet and strive for excellence in that area? Go for it! You will not be any less of a doctor, I promise.

[aki-bara]

Sorry for my absence. I sort of let myself fall into a bit of a depression. Also. I'm pretty sure the sickness I caught was covid as I'm still not all the way better and my sense of smell and it taste is gone and as you can imagine that didn't super help with the depression thing. I really need to find a therapist lol. And go to the doctor because my medicine is clearly not working as well as I'd like.

Why is it so hard to do stuff when you're depressed? I realize I'm talking into the void here, but it still helps to write even if no one sees it.

I hate that my ability to feel good is just the result of a bunch of chemical triggers and not result of my own will or desires. I know I need help, but not how to get it or what to even ask for. Just telling people I need help doesn't seem to do anything. I know that's not anyone's fault, but it's not like knowing that does anything either.

CW: Suicidal Ideation

I really think it's funny how I could avoid all this if I employed an "exit strategy." Like. Wouldn't that just be so much easier? But I don't actually want to? Which feels weird to say. I've wanted to in the past at various points. Or at least fantasized about it. Never actually made any serious attempts. But right now it just feels like... If I give up now what was the point in making it this far? Like, I could have avoided a ton of hardship if I died at 11 or 13 or 16 or maybe even 21. But I've past all those points. Been through a lot, so what would be the point of giving up now?

I want make that stuff "worth it."

I know that's a known fallacy humans fall for. Like. Thinking the more money you put in the slot machine the more likely it is to pay out. I know that's not true, but if the other option is just to stop playing maybe it's okay to believe it'll pay out soon? I don't know. Probably none of this is "healthy thinking," but it's the best I can manage right now so I guess I'll take it.

Anyway, I hope all y'all are having a good day. Even if I disagree with your fandom takes lol. I'll be around again, was the point of this message, so... Yup. Have a good one.

[sizebrained]

Cob's First Pool Trip, A Bird, and Meeting Sam Part 6

Hazel offers Sam her help with Ben. Content warning: Adult themes and language, near death, and first meetings.

***

Hazel looked at Ben's closed bedroom door.

She heard loud shouting but couldn't make out the words, despite how loud it was. Sam returned to the pair after a few more minutes of shouting.

She was carrying a fluffy hand towel for Cob.

Sam set the towel down next the bowl. Cob didn't look like they were getting out anytime soon. They looked perfectly content in the makeshift hot tub.

Cob was staring up at Sam, dreamily. Sam was staring at the closed door in silence.

Hazel grimaced at her sibling, noticing the look of puppy love. Then she looked up at Sam. She noticed the concerned look on the far larger woman's face.

The massive girl turned, opened the fridge, and got herself a couple of unopened beer cans.

She opened one and angrily chugged it in a few large gulps. Cob's jaw fell open at the sight.

It was easily twice Cob’s height and far thicker. Sam made it look like nothing. Cob noticed Sam's bottom lip push out against the rim of the can, the movement of her throat as it emptied the can, and her strong hand gripping it. She was so huge...and hot.

They felt jealous of the can. Cob's body was responding in a way they didn't recognize.

Sam opened another beer and sighed.

She set the can down on the countertop, spinning it in a tight circle by twisting its top. She wasn't looking at either Hazel or Cob.

Both of them had to look nearly straight up to see her from where they were.

"We really cannot thank you enough for saving Cob from that terrible raven," Hazel finally offered getting Sam's attention.

Sam looked down and had to step back to see them better.

Sam's face crunched up again befor replying.

"Oh no problem. I thought it was a crow?" wondering how Hazel could tell the difference.

"I actually was impressed I hit the damn thing. It's been a while since I've played softball." She added opening the beer she was toying with and took a sip.

"Well you must have been very good at it." Hazel added but Sam just shrugged.

She seemed sullen now. Before she went to get the hand towel, she was airy and joyful.

"Is everything alright?" Hazel asked wondering if her sudden mood shift had anything to do with the shouting just now.

Sam exhaled making her lips flap as she blew out.

She slid her huge body down towards them like it was an avalanche but she had only moved inches. Her elbows were flat on the counter, resting on either side of Hazel and Cob in the bowl.

Sam's hands were in tight half-fists holding either side of her cheeks, pushing them up unnaturally. "Not really, I am just not looking forward to this argument," Sam revealed. Her voice was a little warped by what she was doing to her face.

"Argument? With Ben?" Hazel asked confused. She had a hard time believing Ben would argue about anything.

Sam lifted her head again and then rested it on its side against a single palm, her elbow stayed put. Her other hand held the beer. Sam took sips from it while she spoke.

"After his accident...I talked through the options with his doctors. I suggested...well more like threatened Ben's doctors to choose a very experimental set of procedures with him. The old school way would have had his leg end up with pins and plates. That's no fun, especially if he wanted to play basketball again." She explained seeing Hazel's face showing intense interest at the mention of surgery. "If it works...then it'll be like he just had a single break instead of..." She paused remembering her brother right after the accident.

She went on, “But he has to stay in a cast a lot longer than he typically would and has to go in for repeat procedures."

Hazel blinked and nodded in understanding. She really was out of the loop with medicine today. "But Ding Dong refuses to get in the fucking car again. It's too far to walk on crutches and I can't carry him. Maybe there's a wheelbarrow somewhere...or a small dumpster, hopefully full of old trash I can toss him into and push his stubborn ass there."

Sam said finishing her beer then lifting her palm up and slamming it down flattening the can. Hazel jumped a little and Cob made a confused sound between aroused and scared.

Hazel glared at them. Sam looked sheepish, and realized she shouldn’t have done that so close to the tiny tailed figures. "Uh sorry...he just pisses me off sometimes." Sam said turning to get another beer. Hazel tried to keep her talking to hopefully calm her down, she didn't think that Sam would hurt them on purpose.

But the can display just now scared even her. She wasn't sure what it was doing to Cob from the look on their face. "I have heard you call him Ding Dong several times. He told me his nickname was Ben?" Hazel asked. "Oh yeah it is, big little Benedito. Most people call him Ben, but more people call him Big Ben. An announcer called him that during his first college game and then a fan yelled Ding Dong after he scored to win the game.” Sam explained.

“You know like the big tower in London? It stuck." Sam said shrugging and drinking yet again.

Hazel noticed it was only 3 in the afternoon. She disapproved. "Big Ben is the bell not the tower..." Hazel said.

Sam looked surprised, but her accent made her British accent seemed like it made her a better authority. "Cool. Didn't know that." Sam said.

"Listen…let me help convince Ben to go to the doctor’s or at least figure out somehow to get him tended to..." Hazel said coming up to Sam and putting her hand against the side of Sam's resting forearm.

It was far too high for Hazel to reach the top. Sam froze at the touch.

God they're tiny...she thought.

"That'd be great actually..." Sam said then stood upright and rolled her neck on her shoulders causing a few cracks that made Hazel wince.

Cob made the confused sound again. The sound of the shower had stopped. *** End Part 6

[absolutebl]

Thoughts on Why Safe & Consensual Sex Is So Rare In BL

This comes out of an ask who wanted to remain anonymous. 

Specifically we were discussing Rain & Payu in Love in the Air whom we admit are hot and seem to honestly enjoy each other, and did feature (briefly) a condom (although not enough time to put it on) but no verbal consent, safe words, or lube. 

I would likely it to be so perfectly and sublimely clear to all reading that lube is a matter of safety with a-play. Okay? It’s not optional. 

Leaving aside the issues with kink (but not really) non-con and dub-con in BL, because I’ve chatted about that before i wanted to noodle on just safe sex as repped in romance dramas in general (or not, as the case may be). 

Honestly, I think this is a problem not just in BL but in all romance, much of Hollywood and also the literary side of the equation. 

The fact that they struggle just to showcase verbal consent as sexy (which it is) and safe sex as sexy (which it is) shows a profound lack of imagination and is backwards (to say the least) and probubly quite damaging. 

Some romance novelists are taking strides to correct for this but it is... rare in % of product produced no matter what media or genre you are in. In matters of cultural honestly TV always lags behind literature by 5-10 years, and international industries are going to be even slower for reasons of culture conflict. 

Lack of depictions of SSC (safe, sane, consensual) sex is primarily an issue that comes with misogyny (in BL the seme/uke being code for male/female) and the male "taking what he wants because he’d just so overwhelmed by desire" being conflated with "sexy." The more patriarchal the dominant society the less we see consent and safe sex represented in pop culture (if at all). 

There’s a narrative flaw with preparation as well (condoms, lube, other forms of protection) because it indicates premeditation (characterization). The narrative wants the seme to be spontaneous and swept away by his desires, the presence of a condom under such circumstances indicates he either thought about it before and thought the uke would be easy, or was prepared to do it with someone else (gasp). So the narrative can color preparation as a character flaw. (There are ways around this by having the crass/spunky bestie tuck a condom into his trusty tote see Pond in LBC, or have him leave in the middle of hot & heavy to go running arounds drugstores - rare but more common in het dramas.) 

There will be additional cultural components in play. Cultures with dominant religious and nationalistic agendas that are pro childbirth, for example, will rarely show condom use. Those where a man having to glove up is associated with “limiting manliness” or somehow “impinging upon control of identity,” the same again. In parts of the world where condoms are associated with gayness and disease control it can have a detrimental effect on use in general, since to use a condom is to be tied to gayness and uncleanliness. (A marketing and messaging problem. Look into some of the research on convincing doctors to wash their hands, for example. Sigh. Podcast No Stupid Questions Ep 116: Do People Pay Attention to Signs? is tangential to this.) This also will have to do with the presence or absence of socialized medicine. 

A zeitgeist change needs to happen, much as we saw happen with smoking (in some parts of the world in the late 90s - early 2000s). When neglecting to positively showcase safety in pop culture is actually seen as disgusting or unhygienic (or better: low status, inferior, weak, taboo) the more likely safe sex is to happen. (There’s not enough psyche work done in intentionally instilling disgust, if you ask me. Probably because it infringes on religion’s territory.) 

It’s best to attempt to instill a visceral gag factor response if at all possible. 

That said, Japanese cinema still loves to show a hot man smoking - clearly thinking it subversive and sexy. 

As Oscar Wilde once put it:

“As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always be regarded with fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar it will cease to be popular.” 

This essay could have been better said if I cribbed from him, 

“As long as risky sex is  regarded as wicked, it will always be regarded with fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar it will cease to be popular.” 

Also, ya know what, I’m gonna call fanfic on their shit too. It’s on you as well, you slackers. Get your sex right, especially if it’s why people are reading you. Take this as a challenge. What, you think it’s too hard to write safe sex as hot? Are you lily-livered or just incompetent? Do better. 

And you know why you should? Because your shit is free and you are doing it for fun. There’s no barrier to entry, therefore most anyone globally can read it, and therefore you owe MORE to your readers, and the next generation of fic authors and sex havers out there, not less.

“Barrier to entry.”

Heh heh. 

So clearly as far as I am concerned, the battle, it persists. 

Older post here with some earlier BL that depicts safe sex. 

This post dated Fall 2022, I’m hoping things change, but I am not responsible to update or keep track of stuff after this date. 

(source) 

[bakedspoonie]

house is a strange show to watch as a disabled person, they don’t seem to understand the cascade effects diseases cause. So yeah it’s very possible for their to be two or more diseases in fact the presence of one can often increase the chances of another. That’s why so many of us joke about “collecting all the diagnoses”. The patient families piss me off cause they act like watching someone die is worse than dying (it’s not been on both sides of that situation one’s definitely worse) and they think medicine is a magic wand. It’s unfortunately all trial and error and often trying the wrong thing makes you worse but it had to be ruled out and that’s the best way to do it. It sucks so bad but having a doctor willing to do it at all is rare nowadays. Most doctors won’t even touch me because of my illness, and these fuckers are tearing up carpet to find the source. I would love it if someone would sample tho mold growing here to see if that’s the issue!

also the other characters are super ableist about his pain and need for medication, pain is just as dangerous if not more so than medication risks. In fact those risks are supposed to be weighed against benefits for the patient based on that patients goals. House’s goal is to be able to work without his pain distracting him too much, his meds help him achieve that! leave him alone chronic pain is so so bad just let him have his meds and stop acting like him needing pain relief is a character flaw. As someone with chronic pain I’ll defend anyone’s need for pain medication as long as the side effects aren’t negatively impacting their life more than the pain and they are happy with their regimen. If they want to look for other pain management options they should be able to but if not that’s fine and no one should be nagging them over it.