#the pandemic didn’t help with making and maintaining friends

[cmtcahrule]

No Words. Part 2.

For those who can't or won't watch.

26. After our wedding I had purchased all of these lanterns. I had this storage unit of all of these lanterns because they really went with the vibe. I had him and his friends drive them in a U-Haul to Texas which was really helpful until they got stopped at the border with weed and went to jail. So they helped when they could.

27. So when things really blew up for him, which I knew took some years, and you were in the spotlight at red carpets, and you were at big movie premiers, and more eyes were on you, how did that feel? Like you had the taste of fame from the hosting, but did you like being in that spotlight of Hollywood? It felt really weird. Like I should be asking questions. I felt like I still wanted to be the person asking questions. There’s always a fine line. You want to be a supportive wife. But you don’t want to lose your identity. Your husband’s career is going one direction but I have always found it tricky to be a supportive wife and maintain everything else that I want. How can I maintain my young, bitch self and be who I am?

28. I wondered how you felt when he was doing really well and you had to come along for the ride? Everything goes back to relationships. We were best friends. We went everywhere together. We didn’t have kids for 5 years. We were together on every set and every experience. I have so many of my friends from his movie sets like Social Network.

29. Where were you when your marriage was ending? Were you ready? I don’t think anyone is ready. I am such a family person. My family is everything. I would literally do anything to take any pain away from my kid. There is literally nothing I would not do.

30. I am a very Christmas card, basic bitch girl who believes family is more important than life or work. I would honestly do anything to keep my family together.

31. During COVID ahead of the divorce announcement: He was having struggles with his dad. He said mentally I am not OK. Like for me, if anyone said I am not OK, you don’t argue with that.

32. Long story short, he left. I saw some text messages that were not supposed to be sent to me.

33. You know what, we have worked so hard and come so far, you just don’t leave your family during a global pandemic. Especially with everything that we have been through.

34.Yes, family is important, but some people are OK with infidelity, but some people can move on, some people can turn a blind eye, but I fucking deserve the world and I am not the girl.

35. I think people make mistakes but I was never going to stay in a relationship where I was disrespected.

36. I remember screaming and crying and not understanding how and why that this could even be happening after we had so many plans. We wanted more kids. We wanted to be in this neighborhood.

37. It was the most horrible time of my life. I am strong. Yes, you are strong as fuck. From the sidelines, watching you…the way you handled it should be written about.

38. Did he try to fight for the marriage when you wanted to end it? He was not in a great place at the time. I won’t speak on his behalf in terms of treatment but all I wanted for him was for him to get help.

39. I drove him to the airport.

40. A good place to heal is where there is no paparazzi or tabloids. I honestly think that one more year might be our “safe zone” here. It is not like we are hiding but I just want to protect them until they can understand that we are both in really healthy places now.

41. I told my daughter I will buy half of your car if you wait until you are 16 to have a phone.

42. I don’t want to overstep but this came out in the media that Armie is paying $1,500 per month in child support and for some reason that became public. I have built a really successful company and I have 3 shows right now in production. I am so grateful for the success of my company and my team. I can sit here and literally spend however many dollars on another year of arguing back and forth with him about how much money and it is such a waste. I will provide for our kids. They are with me all the time.

43. We were in LA and we were staying at my friend’s house and together putting the kids to sleep and reading a book together. That is what kids want and that is what makes them happy. If that is the one thing I can give them I will. There is nothing I won’t do for them. They didn’t ask for any of this.

44. Are you still dating your hot boyfriend? Yes. He is amazing. He is from Lithuania. Born and raised in a small village. He is a physical therapist. I am in love and I love him.

45. So if you move to LA is he going to come? I don’t know. Everyone says the city will ruin him. He is very traditional. He is only 26.

46. The kids love him so much. He is so present and great with them. He is never on his phone.

47. Our family of four, including Armie, is really important to them. That is their identity now.

48. Regarding work: I am excited for the one on Discovery. It is basically a Dateline but with modern terms. Toxic relationships. I am manifesting 300 seasons of it.

49. We have also done a show on Hulu about opening the location here in Cayman which I am hosting and producing. A couple of other ones that just sold.

50. In the end, everything comes down to trauma. Maybe you are filling a void you did not have when you were younger. We are all products of our upbringing. And that really manifests itself in romantic relationships.

[covid-safer-hotties]

Paris 2024 Was Supposed to Be ‘Normal’—But You Can’t Compete With COVID - Published Aug 2, 2024

Some athletes are taking their own precautions, but the responsibility shouldn’t be solely on them

In the lead-up to the Paris Games, we couldn’t escape how “normal” it was all supposed to be: Media outlets touted the return of cheering spectators in place of empty stadiums, a hyped opening ceremony packed with hundreds of thousands of fans, arrivals of friends and families to help athletes celebrate huge wins (and process tough losses)—and no masks in sight.

All in all, as the Associated Press wrote at the beginning of July, the Paris Games would mark the return to “post-pandemic” “normal,” following “a stretch when host cities turned into closed-off shells of themselves, depriving those who had earned their way inside the so-called Olympic ‘bubble’ of a true Olympic experience.”

But as we’re learning as the 2024 Summer Games go on, popping that bubble might have been more than a little premature—and the athletes could be the ones paying the price.

To be clear, the lack of spectators, family support, and ability to connect with others wasn’t easy for the athletes. As fencer Kat Holmes told SELF, the atmosphere was “very restrictive.” “In Rio, it was like, ‘We’re here together, we’re gonna get to know each other,’” she said. “In Tokyo, it was like, ‘Oh my God, don’t breathe on me.’” So we totally get the desire to avoid that—it’s just that, unfortunately, COVID hasn’t gotten the memo.

The strict rules of Tokyo and Beijing didn’t exactly make it to Paris. In Tokyo, the rules for the athletes were strict, so much so that the term “intimacy ban” kept getting thrown around. The reason for the “safety first” policies, according to a 70-page playbook released one month before the 2020 Games (which actually happened in 2021), was to protect all athletes, participants, and the people of Japan from the spread of COVID-19. As such, it detailed policies including mask wearing “at all times” (except for sleeping, eating or drinking, training, or competing); avoiding the “3 C’s” (spaces that are confined, crowded, or involve close contact); testing regularly for COVID-19, whether you were symptomatic or not; and isolating yourself if you do test positive, among others.

Strict, yes, but also effective. According to the annual report released by the IOC in 2021, there were only 33 cases of COVID-19 out of 11,300 athletes—and no confirmed spread of the virus between Games participants and the local population. As a result, those learnings went on to influence the policies for the Winter Games in Beijing in 2022, which maintained many of those strict rules too.

Fast forward two years later. We’re now several variants away from the virus that was circulating during the Tokyo and Beijing Games, and while fewer people are dying from the current strain, it’s definitely not “just a cold.” It’s still dangerous, linked to heart problems and lung damage, and the threat of long COVID is real too. Folks with underlying conditions are particularly at risk, and while you may not realize it, that includes a lot of athletes—yep, even those at the top of their game. According to a 2023 review in the Scandinavian Journal of Medicine & Science in Sports, about 15 to 30% of Olympians have asthma, and, recently, athletes like Suni Lee and Katie Ledecky have shared their own experiences living with chronic illnesses. And anyone, even seemingly healthy adults, can get seriously ill from it, whether that’s from the infection itself or the long COVID that can come after it.

Problem is, pandemic fatigue is real, and folks are understandably ready to get back to that elusive “normal.” But you can’t just wish away COVID—something other sporting events have been forced to acknowledge. In July, the Tour de France got rocked by COVID, with several top cyclists getting sick and withdrawing from competition. The Tour even reinstated mask mandates, requiring race organizers, media, and guests to wear them around contact with riders and team staff, Bicycling reported.

While the Games started just a couple weeks later (and in the same country!), the guidelines didn’t follow suit: According to Reuters, there’s no strict policy for COVID-19 at the Paris Games. “We have a protocol (that) any athlete that has tested positive has to wear a mask and we remind everyone to follow best practices, but in terms of monitoring COVID, cases are quite low in France,” Anne Descamps, Paris 2024 chief communications director, told Reuters.

When SELF asked Paris Games organizers on July 15 whether the Tour’s reinstatement of COVID prevention measures and mask mandates would influence theirs, a spokesperson simply said: “Paris 2024 is following the evolution of public health issues closely, together with the French Ministry of Health and Santé Publique France (Public Health France).” On July 19, Julie Dussliere, chief of Paralympics for the US Olympic and Paralympic Committee (USOPC) told SELF that while Team USA was encouraging a lot of “proactive behaviors for people to stay healthy,” like wearing masks on the plane “if they’re comfortable doing so” and “consistently using hand sanitizer,” there are “no specific COVID protocols in place from Paris 2024 for either the Olympics or the Paralympics.”

“Our team USA campaign for the games actually is called Don’t Let A Cold Keep You from the Gold,” Dussliere said. “And so we’ve provided a little travel packet to all members of our delegation athletes and coaches with things like hand sanitizer and masks, eye masks, earplugs for sleeping on the plane, things of that nature, to help with their travel and to try to keep them healthy while they’re traveling.”

So unlike the Tokyo Games, where visual reminders of COVID-19 were everywhere—from the empty stands to the masks athletes wore on podiums—Paris kicked off looking a lot more like a pre-2020 Games. Dig a little deeper, though, and it’s a different story.

To read the rest of the article, follow either link!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for wanting to maintain a relationship with my step-grandfather? (tw for mentions of child abuse and death)

so my (under 18, nb) step-grandpa (84) has been feeling lonely recently. his son passed away this february, and his best friend isn’t doing well healthwise and probably won’t make it to the end of the year. my grandma (74) has been communicating with me and my mom (47) about step-grandpa’s loneliness. i offered to help them adopt a cat (he said he didn’t want to have another pet die, though he is in his eighties, so…) and surprised him with a card for father’s day.

here’s where things get tricky. my actual grandfather died a few months before his daughter (my mom) was born, so my step-grandpa is the only father figure he’s ever known. he was pretty abusive when she was younger, to the point of kicking her out when she was 12, which caused her to get kicked out of middle school because the us public school system doesn’t care about at-risk teens and children. my mom also has some triggers because of this abuse, namely slamming doors. she was also abused by one of her stepbrothers, the one that died last february. the other stepbrother is a wonderful guy who’s gotten a lot of therapy and has cut off contact with his dad and brother, but still occasionally talks to my mom.

however, my step-grandpa has, according to my grandma, turned over a new leaf. he’s taking medication for mood swings and goes to therapy. apparently it saved their marriage, so good for them! despite this, my father (47) believes my step-grandpa is a “textbook psychopath” and has also stated numerous times that he doesn’t want me around my step-grandpa. my dad did not grow up around my step-grandpa. he did not know my step-grandpa until my mom introduced them when both my parents were well into their twenties (or possibly in their early thirties). my dad has never experienced my step-grandpa’s abuse. my dad hasn’t had a whole conversation with my step-grandpa since maybe before the pandemic.

i’m not asking to live full-time with my step-grandpa. i just want to take him to a pet shelter or somewhere where he can hang out with cats without necessarily having to adopt them. my mom is fine with this. my mom has actually been encouraging me to hang out with my step-grandpa more, because like i said, he’s lonely. i respect that my dad doesn’t want to talk to my step-grandpa, but i do. i’ve told him this, and he keeps insisting that i “keep my distance” and “be careful”. he is literally the only person who is saying this. even my mom gets along with my step-grandpa now that he’s gone to therapy. it might be a religion thing, as my dad is lutheran and my step-grandpa is a recovering jehovah’s witness (which did influence how he raised my mom) but last i heard, he is fully an atheist now and has apologized to my mom for being a shitty dad. i don’t understand why my dad is so wary of him. i just don’t want him to feel alone.

so, aita?

What are these acronyms?

[dustedmagazine]

Listed: Verity Den

Verity Den plays a soft-focus, trance-state shoegaze with glimmers of Zelienople, Bark Psychosis and Movietone. The band, out of North Carolina, is comprised of Casey Proctor, Trevor Reece and Mike Wallace, all three of the DIY veterans who formed the band in early 2023. Reviewing their 2024 self-title debut, Jennifer Kelly wrote, “Though their album is enjoyable as rock, it is very clearly not just that; it pools and looms and gently probes improvisatory effected guitar zones that sit pretty far from conventional song structures.”

Casey Proctor “Chant Arabe” (Anonymous) from Suzuki — Piano School: Volume 1

I started taking Suzuki Method piano lessons when I was five years old, and “Chant Arabe” was one of the pieces in Volume 1. During my first recital, my teacher exclaimed how I connected with that piece more than the others, saying that some people can emote ominous (minor-key) music more effectively. It was an early realization that I might be one of those people, and I still enjoy listening to and writing with those tonalities.

Mahavishnu Orchestra — “Meeting of the Spirits”

Every Sunday morning for a solid five-year period when I was a kid (like 7-11), my dad would blast “Meeting of the Spirits” while making breakfast. Undoubtedly, I was influenced by all the music he listened to, but that song in particular is probably the reason I went on to listen to other prog bands from the 1970s and later bands like Meshuggah and Animals as Leaders. We weren’t a religious family but during that era we were attendants at the church of prog rock.

Young Marble Giants — Colossal Youth

The first time I heard a Young Marble Giants song it was Hole covering “Credit in the Straight World.” I didn’t “discover” that it was a YMG song until later and then finally listened to the entirety of Colossal Youth. Front to back it’s a perfect album. It has minimal instrumentation, but it’s completely engaged and never boring. Alison Statton’s lyrics are nuanced and poetic but very punk. I don’t know how to make music that sounds like that, and I haven’t heard anyone else do it.

Mikhail Kalatozov — Letter Never Sent (1959)

Letter Never Sent is my favorite film. Beyond it being one of the most beautifully shot films I’ve ever seen (Sergey Urusevsky is the cinematographer and it’s in black and white), the subject matter feels like it’s personally tailored to me in a few ways. It’s about a group of government-funded geologists who are sent to Siberia to find diamonds. Their expedition is interrupted by a forest fire that cuts off communication with rescue crews and disorients them into a survival situation. Much less dramatically… I worked for the US Forest Service for 12 years, building and maintaining trails in the front and back country, almost majored in Geology and was a certified wildland firefighter for a few years. Also, honorable mention, from the same director… Salt for Svanetia (1930) is fantastic cinema and one of the earliest ethnographic films ever made.

Trevor Reece Roedelius — Wenn Der Südwind Weht

Right before the pandemic, I wasn't playing much “rock” guitar or listening to most of my long-time go-to-records. Leaning more towards experimental, drone and synth-based music. A friend put this Roedelius record on my radar around that time and it inspired me to record some questionable but exciting stuff at home. A classic record and always there to help.

Alex Chilton — Like Flies On Sherbert

Alex Chilton & his weird friends making a mess in the studio.

Bill Daniel — Who Is Bozo Texino? (2005)

I first saw this film during a screening tour through the south around 2006. I was somewhat new to town, wandering around and only cared about making art. Highlighting old outsiders making their mark and telling stories through a grainy film collage felt new but familiar. The ethos of this film is one that I still relate to today.

Mike Wallace Allen Toussaint — “Southern Nights”

A totally transporting song, Toussaint showers you in layers of piano and keys, the percussion chirps along like crickets at night and that perfect, unhurried hook. It really captures a certain kind of feeling, that particular humidity, the sun going down over the field. It's strange though because I didn’t hear this song until I was probably 25 or something, so I didn't have a memory of listening to it as a kid or something, but like a lot of songs, it became like a lens to look back on that, maybe memories I wish were there in some way. I guess it taps this strange kind of nostalgia whose origin is hard to locate and also comes with its own load of complications. That’s a part of the Southern experience, too, in a way that's unique to this part of the country. Memory and history are omnipresent, written and rewritten. I don't even hate the Glen Campbell version of this song. That’s its own type of “Southern Night.” Sometimes it's like that. I didn’t always embrace being from the South, but nowadays I’m into it and I know that when I’m living somewhere else someday, I will finally get to have that feeling of honestly missing a place and wishing I was back home for just a night.

Grouper — “Alien Observer”

This is the first Grouper song I heard and I remember feeling just stunned by it. It has this depth of interiority and a meditative cycle that’s like breathing. I think this song really struck me because I encountered Liz Harris/Grouper at a transitional period. After the end of a long relationship, I was living for a little bit with several people in a house in Greensboro, NC called Hellraiser Haus, named because some scenes from Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth were supposedly filmed at the church across the street. It was a show house and the people I lived with were great, but I was kind of struggling with what was next and who I was in the wake of everything kind of disintegrating. There was something so bleak and comforting in this song, I really did kind of feel like an alien, observing myself, kind of detached. A few years later I saw her play kind of a large theater in Raleigh for this festival Hopscotch, and waking up several minutes after she had finished, kind of disoriented and crunched up in the seat and thinking I just saw one of the best shows of my life.

Wong Kar-wai — In the Mood For Love (2000)

What more can be said about this movie that hasn't already? Wong Kar-wai is a master, and a really singular stylist. I never tire of watching this one, but I rarely put it on, it's just really worth savoring. It's also one where one’s feelings may change over time in relation to the basic plot points. Maybe you recognize yourself at different points or scenes than you did before, or see a new detail in a gesture or glance, like every moment’s a prism and would mean something different if it was just slightly turned. Being in a state of longing can really feel awful, but there can also be a kind of solace in there. Even once it's over, you can return to it sometimes, to remember. I mean just see it; this isn’t making any sense anymore!

[ukrfeminism]

Women and children were among the worst affected by the Covid pandemic and many youngsters saw their childhood “blighted”, an inquiry has heard.

On day two of the Scottish Covid Inquiry on Wednesday, organisations including Long Covid Kids Scotland and Scottish Women’s Rights Organisations – an umbrella term for a number of bodies – gave opening statements to chairman Lord Brailsford.

Andrew Webster KC, representing Long Covid Kids Scotland, told the panel of the hardships faced by children with long Covid.

He said: “The children of Scotland should be able to thrive and look forward to a positive future.

“Long Covid the long-term illness caused by Covid-19 has blighted that prospect for too many.

“For too many, long Covid presents a seemingly insurmountable obstacle to an engaged, fulfilling and productive life.

“The inquiry is embarked upon its listening project, let’s be heard.

“In an adult world, the voice of children is too often ignored, disregarded or belittled.

“I ask all of us in this room here today to pause and think back – did we hear the voice of children in the decision making on masking, school mitigation, examinations or immunisation?

“Or is our recollection that children were simply told how it was going to be?

“For reasons I find unfathomable, we have been precluded by the inquiry from allowing the voice of a child to be heard in these opening statements.”

Mr Webster then read a statement from an anonymous child suffering from long Covid symptoms.

Quoting the child, he said: “Many months ago, we all became ill with coronavirus, and very soon we became very ill, some of us became seriously ill and had to stay in hospital.

“Our symptoms looked a bit different to the ones that grown-ups seemed to get and our parents didn’t always know what was wrong with us straight away.

“Coronavirus doesn’t only affect children like you, many of our parents got it too, so we had to stay at home and try to look after each other, but many of us got worse and needed extra help from doctors.

“Our parents were often scared. It seems like a long time ago that we felt well, and could do some of the fun things we like to do.

“We’re still at home and we’re still unwell. Many of us are still in bed a lot of the time. It can be boring, annoying, frustrating and tiring and we miss our friends. We miss feeling well.

“Our parents are working together to get us some help and that’s why we’re telling you our story.

“We want to feel better again, and when we asked when we will feel better, nobody can tell us when that might be. It’s making us sad.”

He concluded by asking if the long-term effects of long Covid in children are considered by the Scottish Government.

Deirdre Domingo, of Scottish Women’s Rights Organisations, told the inquiry that the idea that the pandemic affected everyone equally should be “firmly dispelled”.

She said women, particularly from black and minority ethnicities, were far more affected when compared to the wider population.

Ms Domingo said a key area of concern was the rise in domestic violence, sexual abuse and rape.

She said stay at home measures “overlooked that for many people, home was not the safest place to be”.

She added: “One of the consequences of the imposition of lockdown and isolation rules was a rise in domestic abuse and violence.

“As explained by Scottish Women’s Aid in their written submissions to the Equalities and Human Rights Committee of Scottish Parliament, anxiety about coronavirus, frustrations related to quarantine, economic uncertainty due to a loss of jobs, harmful consumption of alcohol or other stresses, do not cause domestic abuse.

“Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour that instils fear and is used by abusers to maintain control.

“Measures taken to address the pandemic including lockdowns, early release of prisoners, closure of schools, working from home, reduction in the work of courts, and closure of some services and transition of others to remote provision provide additional tools for abusers to exercise that control and they remove the opportunities for women to seek help.”

She added that women have been “hit the hardest” and said there has been a “recognised rollback on women’s equality and rights” since the pandemic.

Claire Mitchell KC, representing Scottish Covid Bereaved, told the inquiry that the hearing presents an opportunity for “real change and accountability”.

The inquiry continues.

[sillybillycanadian]

TW: depression, sui ideation, the big sad, etc etc

I hate schoolwork. It’s petty, it’s silly, it’s beneath me, but I am so fed up with it. I am 20 years old and I haven’t graduated high school. There are so many good messages on here about not needing to meet any artificial timetable. That we can do things in our own time. But holy crap guys I’ve been stagnating for so long. I’ve been fighting an uphill battle with this part of high school for three years now.

I started homeschooling halfway through Grade 10. I have self-guided courses that I can do on my own time which still earn me credits to go towards my high school diploma. When I started, I was working at a pace that (if maintained) would have let me graduate a year early. I was masking ADHD, anxiety, and depression so all of that slowly leaked out. I was procrastinating, oversleeping some days then under-sleeping others. I developed an unhealthy habit of eating when I felt bored and like I needed a distraction. Some life things happened like my mom getting cancer (she’s alive and well, but her neutral state of “healthy” will never be the same) and my dad kicking out the three of us (mom, brother, and me) for a while because my dad and brother had a fight.

Those nights were the closest I got to killing myself. We had nothing but the clothes on our backs and some cash we were able to use for a hotel. He did this to his immunocompromised wife during the height of the pandemic. He didn’t care. Even when we were let back in the house (because we threatened to involve the police) he didn’t speak to us for days. I was hardly eating. A family friend talked to all of us over Zoom and referred to my dad’s doings as a “hiccup”. I want to be a forgiving person. I like to think that everyone deserves a second chance. But I can’t say honestly that I’ve forgiven my father. I don’t think I’ve even forgiven the family friend for calling it a “hiccup”. He probably didn’t even know the whole situation, but it stung so bad. And I hugged my father that day. As if it was fine. As if he doesn’t still scare me and I lose the air in my lungs when he stands behind me.

Ever since then my life has been derailed. In the summer of 2020 I started treatment for depression and anxiety. The summer I should have graduated. Some time in 2021 I was diagnosed with ADHD twice because the first person to do it never kept proper records and then left the hospital she was working at. So it was as if my diagnosis never happened. So 6 months after the first time, the second diagnosis finally happened. I’m on medication for it now. I thought it was helping, but I’ve been so useless again for months now and with no changes in meds to explain it. I also might have undiagnosed autism, which really stings because I was neglected when I was younger and the excuse was that my brother needed the attention since he’s autistic. Anyway. I don’t have the energy to shower regularly. I hate needing to make food for myself. I literally have two courses left then I’m done high school for good. 5 basic-ass assignments then it’s over. But instead I watch YouTube and try to make stupid music on my laptop to get a tiny hit of dopamine. I search “help” and sort by latest on Tumblr to see if there is anyone I can comfort or cheer up. Is it actually altruism? Or am I just so starved for attention and validation and companionship that I try to please anyone I can? Do I try to help others because I may as well since I’m the only person I can’t come through for?

With all of this, I have friends who are pressuring me to move out very very quickly. They know how much living at home is making me hurt and ache so I know they’re coming from a good place. But I can hardly take care of my own health and hygiene, how they hell do they expect I can take care of a home and hold a job?

That’s why I don’t just hate schoolwork. I definitely do, but that’s not all of it. I hate schoolwork because it’s a testament to just how stuck I am in life. In this one place. Writing a few sentences to an essay each day if I’m lucky. I hate it. I just hate it so much.

One of those friends. We like each other. So so much. We want a future together. Her and I. But she is one of the ones trying to rush me. I know we both want me to be in a good place before starting a relationship. But she also doesn’t want to be in limbo forever while I work out my issues. So it’s like an ultimatum. At this rate I need to move out in the next month or two or I’m gonna lose her for good, it seems. That’s as far as one of our mutual friends of the group knows. So now I have another point of pressure to get my act together before things crash and burn even more. But it had the opposite effect because I feel lost and stuck and like I can’t do anything.

This is just to vent. Cause idk what else to do than rant and maybe just maybe I’ll stop being a piece of trash. God. I hate myself so much rn. I’m such a stupid worthless prick. Dammit.

[niealle]

Connecting with people and not taking things personally can be hard at times. I used to be able to detach myself easily from things that are unhealthy for me, but I’ve been having a hard time doing so lately. It’s probably because I allowed myself to be vulnerable without any boundaries. Hence, I realized how important it is to have boundaries, particularly regarding things that matter to you.

I’ve realized that I struggle to adopt the “let them be” approach in my life. Allowing people to treat me based on how they want to doesn’t sound healthy especially when they are being shitty. I can’t let people treat me as a back burner. I can’t let people treat me as a convenient friend. I can’t let people treat me as someone who is just squeezed into their schedule instead of making time for me. I prioritize myself above anyone else and I would never allow myself to be trampled on by other people.

I used to be hard on myself when I reacted in a certain way to things not going my way, but I learned to accept the fact that that’s just how I am. I hold grudges. I hate it when I’m being taken advantage of. I dislike liars. I cut off people easily. I would never allow a person who hurt me to leave freely without facing consequences. If people start treating me badly, I’ll detach myself from them until my patience runs out and that’s when I’ll cut them off. I get mad when something toxic is happening in my life. All of these are valid ways for me to show self-respect.

Not taking things personally is one of the best approaches that I’ve learned. It allows me to step back and detach myself easily from people or situations that might affect me negatively. An example is when my friend canceled our hangout on the same day. I can get mad at them for canceling, but would it be helpful for me to get mad? No. Then I’ll just think that them canceling has nothing to do with me but more about them. They canceled because they’re feeling down. They canceled because they got lazy. Or perhaps it really has something to do with me HAHAHAHAHAHA—okay, I get it. I might get a little upset about that, but I won’t dwell on the feeling because it doesn’t serve any purpose.

A victim of bullying and a people pleaser in the past learned not to take things personally????? I find it fascinating how much I’ve grown during the past few years, especially during the pandemic. I used to think that I was already satisfied with how I was in the past, but then I realized that the only thing that is constant in life is change and it made me feel at ease because what do you mean I can still become a better person than I am right now????? Pursuing self-development has been one hell of a ride because one moment I’m doing so much better and the next, I’ve reverted back to my old habits. Being self-aware has been one of the best feelings in the world, but maintaining self-awareness was a bit of a challenge for me, especially as a female who gets her period monthly (iykyk). It is the best feeling in the world because you finally know who you are. You might not have things figured out, but it’s still okay because you’re still growing. The world didn’t end when I was 16, 19, and last year.

[redflagbreakfast]

Entry 7: Rich Dad 4903

Trigger warning: mentions of child protection services and custody issues

In the past 8 months, a lot has happened. Despite my reservations, I asked the magistrate to give Kalvin another chance. During the court hearing, the CPS worker suggested that he should only have supervised visitation with Jack. This made me worried about the implications it would have on Jack’s martial arts, as his dad is his coach. I also worried about his relationships with his brother, dog, and friends from the dojo. I felt guilty and made excuses for Kalvin’s behavior, but the thought of doing everything alone again along with everything else on my plate was terrifying.

There has to be a way to support a relationship between them, with at least giving me some time for my own sanity.

“I would like to propose a new plan, your honor.” I say. The CPS workers eyes widen as she looks at me with confusion.

Desperate for a solution, I proposed a new plan to the judge that would support a safe environment for Jack while reducing Kalvin’s stress levels. I wanted to maintain Jack’s relationship with his little brother and not affect his karate training. After some discussion, our new plan was put in place. I would have Jack 80% of the time and take him to school every day, as well as drive him to karate on my days. His brother would also be present during their time together. Kalvin enrolled in anger management again and signed a stipulation agreement to no corporal punishment…Not that Kalvin ever followed the rules.

By the end of the hearing, I felt more confident that I could support him while taking care of myself, as long as he wasn’t cutting weight for a fight, everything should be fine..Right? The only one the plan was more difficult for was me.

After two years of splitting parenting duties 50/50, my life suddenly became much more complicated. To make things even more challenging, the new parenting plan was put into effect the same month that I had launched my fourth company. Although the newest company was taking off, I found myself constantly distracted by other issues. I was dealing with the consequences of fraud against my wellness company, banking problems associated with being associated with the cannabis industry and a costly mistake in trying to bring on a new sleazy partner right before the pandemic.

And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I was hit with a crushing abandoned purchase order that cost me a staggering $90,000. I was scrambling to make payments to my debtors that funded the international order by a man who had evaporated into thin air. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty hopeless about my ability to recover from all of this. Despite my distrust for pretty much all men, and most people in general, I knew I needed to let go of control and ask for help. I needed a team, I needed investment.

Four days away from an investor summit in Miami, I received an exciting invitation. Alexandra from the Charleston group told me that my cannabis brand was amazing and that it would be a breath of fresh air to pitch something so unique in front of nearly 100 vetted investors. My products sat at the intersection of two rapidly growing markets, sexual wellness and cannabis. If my pitch didn’t turn heads in a room full of dusty, middle aged, wealthy, male investors, certainly nothing would.

She even offered to let me pitch for free if I brought swag bags with samples for 120 people. Ecstatic about this opportunity, I scraped together my money and bought a ticket to Florida, even though it was the second trip I would need to take that weekend. California and Florida in the same day. The thought made my head spin. As challenging as these endeavors were, I was determined not to miss out on this opportunity.

Jack was competing towards his first official world title, and I was competing to win the attention of millionaires and billionaires. As important as this opportunity was, there is no way I could cancel my trip to prepare, I had to watch Jack shine and support him. I had to make both happen.

Especially with the wedge Kalvin had begun to drive between Jack and I. “He doesn’t need therapy!” Kalvin would insist, “He needs a mom who cares about him and doesn’t party!” His words made me boil with anger. Other than my brief 3 day Playa trip, I practically hadn’t even been out since May. I had given up every single self-serving thing in my life for Jack and for my companies over the last several months. I hadn’t even gotten my nails done since August. I gave up everything to make Jack feel loved, but now Kalvin had convinced him otherwise.

My baby boy, the one I would do anything for, was convinced that I was trying to ruin his life by “taking his dad away” from him, when in reality, I was responsible for convincing the court to keep him in it at all.

I worked feverishly building out the most intricate and beautiful pitch deck ever seen. Every page meticulously designed with expert attention to detail: pinks, blues and cream colors, complete with custom infographics that matched our brand kit. It was clean, it was sexy.

My newly strategized plan for the company started to excite me. I had new found confidence that I could explode my growth, if I just had the right support…and well…money. I excitedly send the deck over to Alexandra and the phone call I received, crushed my spirits yet again.

“Kate, I had no idea your company was so small! It looks like a multi-million dollar brand” she states emphatically. “Take it as a compliment.” Compliments don’t pay the bills… I think to myself. This comment was like hearing, “I am sorry, you are just over qualified! We will keep your resume on file.” When you so desperately needed the job.

“The people going in front of these investors need to be raising a minimum of 1-2 Million dollars, not the mere $60k you are looking for, I am sorry! But, the good news is, you will get to brush shoulders with multiple investors that just might be looking!”

I’ll take a million dollars. I thought to myself, I just needed to prove that what I had created was worth it.

I worked around the clock to craft the most beautiful cloth bags you had ever seen, complete with vivid, ironed on logos representing my three most recent brands that I would be representing at the summit.

Let’s see, 3 minutes of heat and firm pressure per bag + 2 minute cry sesh + unexpected trips to the store for more ink + nozzle head printer errors x 120 bags = no sleep for Kate yet again. I swear…my fucking printer will someday be the straw that breaks my back.

The all in cost for the bags and samples alone? Over $2000. My desire for perfection in branding had both its benefits and drawbacks. In this case, it became a curse. Despite this, donating the bags was a huge money-saver compared to the steep $10,000 fee required for everyone else to attend.…or at least Alexandra had tried to convince me of this after I discovered this expensive and wildly inconvenient trip was merely to “brush shoulders” and give away free shit.

Nonetheless, after a few sleepless nights, a meltdown in front of innocent onlookers at Office depot, and several cursing sessions at my printer, I was ready.

I begrudgingly decided to still go to Miami, for less than 25 hours. I would literally be flying from coast to coast in one day. 3 red eye flights for someone with a flying phobia and currently on a paupers budget is definitely not ideal.

The bags were finally complete and just had to be stuffed, with samples and literature. I picked up the Friday night shame-fest special: A giant Dr. Pepper and a 2600 calorie meal from Smash burger, after all, I’d earned it. I headed home to pull yet another all nighter. As I set up my assembly line of swag stuffing, I noticed a notification pop up on my screen, it was Dr. Sal. “Kate, can we please chat, I just want to see those eyes again.”

Having not talked since I left Mexico last week, I was taken aback when he requested a video call. But, I was feeling a bit lonely and bored, and with my night merely consisting of stuffing bags, and my face-with truffle fries- ahead of me, I figured some entertainment from the friendly Canadian narcissist wouldn’t hurt. “What harm could it possibly do?” I asked myself. Plus, I was on to his ego-stroking ways.

As I nestled into my snug leather couch, I carefully propped up my phone on the coffee table, prepared for the moment when he would call. And when he did, I had to do a double take, for he was much more handsome than I remembered! Despite being in the midst of a blizzard, he was radiantly beaming, bundled up in a dashing black pea coat that complemented his rugged charm perfectly.

I couldn’t help but notice the exquisite details that I had overlooked before. His broad, sturdy shoulders exuded strength and stability, while his black beard with salt and pepper streaks lent him an air of distinguished maturity. His hair was luxuriously thick and his dark eyes sparkled with a both mystery and new warmth and kindness that I hadn’t seen before.

At Illios, the Greek restaurant in Playa, I was on high alert and my guard was up, but now, as I saw him on the screen, my defenses melted away. We spoke for hours and I shared with him the struggles I had been facing, and he encouraged me, sharing his own story of being a Phoenix that had risen from the ashes. I quickly had to remind myself of all of the red flags I had already seen!

The way he looked at me, the way he spoke, would make the unsuspecting girl melt, but me? I knew better. He doted on me and told me how amazing it is to watch a hustler in action. “Your drive is so sexy.” Sal says, as he sensually bites the corner of his lip, then grins sheepishly. “You know, it is rare to find someone who has it all, the looks, the determination—-the dance moves.” He winks at me, with a that sparkle in his dark eyes and I feel a tiny jolt of excitement. He really was cute.

“Kate, there is something about you, so fresh, so new, so captivating. I just want to have the chance to get to know you, if you just give me the opportunity.” he says. “You have been working so hard, and I recognize that. I have an idea. I want you to come to Alberta, just for a weekend. I want to spoil you: Massages, nice dinners, some shopping and botox. It will be my treat, you just need to give me your time, and you will be wildly rewarded.” Wildly rewarded? I wonder to myself, what does he mean by that? “There is something about you that has a hold on me, and I just can’t get you out of my head. You have been on my mind since the very moment I laid eyes on you that first night at Bandido’s. I saw that guy all over you and it actually made me jealous.”

Geez…I think to myself…jealous of someone he just met when he was the one on a date! Red Flag!

He is future painting again, trips, shopping, BOTOX? Gosh, I miss my botox, I think to myself as I look at my image on the video screen. I really do need it, I’m looking rundown, tired and kind of sad, he must have noticed too. My self care budget had been the first to go as I struggled regain control of my business. I had been paying the price for someone else’s sins again, it just felt that life was never quite fair.

“Where is the summit?” Dr. Sal asks.

My mind was loosening up to the possibility of continuing to entertain this guy, and my bored, lonely self. It’ll just be a social experiment, I tell myself. I’m strong enough. I know all the signs and have been able to leave easily at the first sign of danger… I’ll even keep a journal of all the things he does along the way. A journal I can look back on when I start to question my own feelings and sanity. If I am careful, I can date this guy for fun and attention and come out even stronger on the other side. What could possibly go wrong? I eat reg flags for breakfast.

“The Biltmore Hotel” I reply.

“Is that where you are staying?” he asks. The question makes me a little uncomfortable. I am not sure I should tell him where I am staying, as he basically has stalked me across two continents by now.

“To be honest, I don’t know yet. It depends on how many sales I have between now and Monday, the Biltmore is like $600 a night, so no matter what, there is no way I am staying there!” I exclaim.

“Kate, you have never had a someone truly support you, have you?” He asks me, pity in his eyes.

“No, not really.” I reply softly.

“I want to get to know you and support you and your dreams. I have never felt this strong for someone so quickly.” Internally my stomach knots, instant red flag. Kalvin said all the exact same things to me in the beginning. Narcissists will try to make you feel like you are special, unique and valued to get you to put down your guard. They put you on a pedestal just to knock you right back down again when you are least suspecting.

“Check your messages!” he says with a sly, mischievous grin. “I have a little surprise for you.”

I open my messages and there is a screenshot of a receipt under my name for a king room at the Biltmore. Total: $594.81 PAID IN FULL

Wow…this guy really is something…

“Kate, I am on your team. I want to be your support system, the one you can count on.” he sweetly says. Despite the blazing red flags, my guard starts to slowly lower. “Thank you so much Sal, you don’t have any idea how much this means to me.” I say softly, genuinely grateful for this gesture, despite whatever his motive may be.

I start floating in the clouds and just as I begin to think maybe I was wrong about him, I notice the email address on the very bottom.

Purchaser’s email: richdad******@****.com

YEP and there it is! I tell myself, as I fall right back down on my ass to reality, This guy does this shit all the time! GROSS. However, the idea of a sugar daddy that is only a few years older than me who is actually moderately attractive, is not that repulsive of an idea after all. I dated Phil for 4 years before realizing he had a profile up scouring the internet for young and desperate, naive girls with a taste for Prada.

I went to great lengths to show my love and affection towards Phil – from elaborate birthday breakfasts in bed to an expensive trip to a beautiful treehouse in the woods that cost me a third of my income for the month. I also made sure to give thoughtful gifts and cards for each and every holiday. Despite my efforts, he never seemed to reciprocate in the same way. It took over three years for him to even get me a birthday present. While I appreciated the trips we went on together, it seemed like he only gave back if he knew there was something in it for him – like a weekend of great sex.

And now Dr. Sal had gifted me this room, with nothing in it for him at all…or was there?

I deserve to be spoiled. Is that what his goal is? I ask myself. There’s only one way to find out. There is no shame in my game now.

The tournament in California just the day before, had greeted me with a freak LA blizzard warning and freezing cold rain. To top it off I got to spend my weekend around Kalvin. I had modified the no contact order a few years back so I could be as involved as possible with Jack’s sports and still be safe. This would mean from time to time I had to be face to face with Kalvin, and this was one of those times.

I never knew how things would go. He used every tournament as an opportunity to get in my head, or make me feel bad for him. Earlier this year he told me and the staff at the dojo that his girlfriend, that we had never met, died of cancer. He posted a photo of them on his Instagram highlights during October for cancer awareness.

To honor her memory, he embroidered her name on his uniform belt and raised funds for the American cancer society. However, what he didn’t know was five months after her death, she had reached out to me from beyond the grave. She wasn’t dead at all! She revealed that he had become obsessively infatuated with her after just one date. He had shown up at her church uninvited, and didn’t even announce himself, yet texted her to tell her how she had looked good that day. He even attempted to send wine to her new boyfriend’s vacation home. As a final attempt to win her over, he sent her the picture of her name embroidered on his belt, “So I can keep you in my thoughts and prayers”, he had told her. This was the last straw.

She had to block him and was so disturbed by his red flags she felt she had to get deeper intel on how dangerous he really was. So she “ghosted him” and messaged me a few months later to ask if I thought he had moved on. Although she was alive, she was dead to him. It was not the first time that Kalvin had become fixated on someone after just one date. The lengths that this narcissist would go to to push his agenda, was truly psychotic. I shudder at the fact that my son has him as a role model for anything other than karate.

“That’s how he was with me, I totally get it, I’m so glad you saw the red flags and listened to your gut”, I reassured her, “he has certainly moved on by now.”

Or had he?

He mentioned, even recently, how devastated he was by her death, and their whirlwind 6 month relationship as he points to his embroidered belt with her name draped in the locker room in her memory.

I would certainly fake my own death to get away from him I could…I ponder how I can pull this off…as I chuckle to myself yet wince at just how crazy my son’s own father is.

The very first time I went to his house, about two weeks after we started dating, he excitedly showed me what he had done to the place. He had recently moved in and was an incredibly skilled artist and interior decorator, but one particular finishing touch he added would have any level headed woman run for their damn lives, but not me!

I was deeply infatuated with him just a few short weeks behind his pace. It turns out six pack abs, and a recent divorce, makes you a perfectly candidate for love bombing. I was putty in his manipulative hands. I take a moment and thank Jesus Christ himself that I had bailed on the matching tattoo appointment that he had scheduled for our 30 day anniversary.

In his immaculately clean bedroom, was a large king bed that was neatly made, a pristine white chiffon canopy adorning all four corners. But, that’s not what got my attention. On the night stand next to the bed was a dark, wooden frame, accompanied on either side with a vase of fresh flowers and deliciously scented vanilla candles. Inside the frame, a photo of me. Initially my eyes widened in confusion,“Where did you get that picture?” I asked with surprise. “I found them on your Facebook and just snagged them.” My gut starts to tighten as we weren’t even connected on social media yet, or so I thought.

He can sense my trepidation. “You are so gorgeous Kate, and I want everyone to know that you’re my girlfriend, that’s all!” Ok…I think to myself, it’s actually kind of sweet when you look at it like that. I reassure myself that it’s not a glaring red flag of what-in-the-actual-fuckery.

In 2 other locations in his house he also had candles and small framed portraits of ME, that he had printed, all within 2 weeks of dating. He showed me his meticulously organized and color coordinated closet. He beams with pride as he reveals a huge poster sized image of one of my previous fitness photo shoots. “How unbelievably sweet!” I gushed, to not let him sense my reservations.

I cringe at the thought that I was so unbelievably oblivious to the most blatant red flags in the history of the universe. Now, I get leery if a guy adds me on social media too soon now. But this, takes the award for the brightest red flag I’d seen up until this point in my inexperienced dating life. This flag held the award for the creepiest red flag until the tattoo of my face 2 years later.

7 years later and he still couldn’t let go of me. Any chance he got, he would try to win me back over by telling me in front of Jack how our love deserves another chance. Jack just couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t give his number one hero a chance. Kalvin would strip his clothes off in my line of sight at these tournaments to “remind me what I was missing.” GAG I wasn’t missing any of it. In fact, guys with abs like that now make me uneasy. Abs are definitely overrated, and for the dick? A big dick doesn’t mean anything if it’s attached to a bigger dick.

But this time when he stripped his shirt off to prepare for his next kickboxing match, I actually did see something that excited me. The tattoo! I glance at his chest and examine it. It was faded heavily. I excitedly screech “Oh thank God! You are finally getting it removed?!!” “Yes, and this one too” he points to his most recent ex wife’s name he tattooed next to my face. “I’ve already had 4 excruciating sessions so far, and spent over $2000 and they still aren’t gone!” He grimaced. “Well, maybe you’ll finally learn your lesson this time.” I shrug. It gave me so much satisfaction to watch him pay this small this small price for at least some of his indiscretions.

As I arrive at the Biltmore, I gaze upon it’s gorgeous architecture and breathe in the warm, humid air, a very welcomed feeling after a cold wet weekend with my ex. Right in that very moment, as if he just knew, I get a message from Dr. Sal. “I hope you enjoy your stay. Take a selfie of the princess for me?”

“Thank you, Dr. Sal!” I utter to myself, and snap a photo to oblige his request. I can’t help but feel some similarities between Kalvin and Dr. Sal. Only time will tell, but this time I’m not starting from scratch, I’m starting from experience. I was ready and prepared for any grandiose gestures Sal might send my way. He’s in another country, I’m safe right?

It’s was his game after all, I am just going to play along. Now, the game’s outcome will be in my hands, he just doesn’t know it.

The conference goes as expected. I hang my head in exhaustion and notice several of my beautiful rush-ordered brochures littered around on conference room floor and began to add up the cost of the precious, wrinkled and soiled loot that I had paid to expedite in my head. Awesome….

The conference is full of hot shot men and a few money hungry wives. I was drained of all energy after countless hours of preparation for this potentially life changing “shoulder brushing” and now sick after clearly annihilating my immune system from days of travel, no sleep and a liquid diet of Dr. Pepper. I was burnt out. My normal chipper self was hiding somewhere within the shell of an exhausted, defeated woman, who was dangerously close to calling it all quits and simply getting a job at Costco.

My burnout, disappointment and quite possibly my third round of Covid was getting to me. This is one of my last chances to get out of this hole and save my company, but I feel like I have one foot in the grave. WAKE UP KATE!!! You can’t give up yet! I urge myself.

I go down to the gift shop for some DayQuil and a Red Bull to try to pull myself together. $28.42 Damn, I just want to go home! I think to myself as I reluctantly hand over my debit card.

I watched the other 5 people who were in my coveted spot of pitching their concepts. All of them had burned through millions of dollars and were raising millions more and were basically all pre-revenue.

My brand had substance, sales and a mission, but I had to sit back and watch them pat their own backs for simply a dream and a yearly burn rate bigger than my lifetime of earnings. I was nothing like these guys. I had built up my brand with integrity and resourcefulness, but somehow my brand was not taken seriously when it came to trying to get loans, funding or a fair valuation. My sales were over six figures and I was running it myself. If I could just get support, I would be bigger than all of these smooth talking big spenders.

The thought of brushing shoulders with some of these guys made me queasy, nevertheless, I tried. I guess it’s a little early to say if nothing will come from it other than some experience, it’s only been two weeks..but I feel like I need to accept that investment in the Biltmore weekend good as gone.

[jollyenthusiastpenguin]

How To Earn Money In Free Time 

While many still discourage from running after money, the recent time market and the pandemic taught us that saving money is not a luxury but a necessity. Of course, one should not forget to enjoy their life by just chasing money and a work-life balance is of utmost importance. Before we understand the “hows”, it’s important to understand the “whys”. So let’s dive deep into why earning money in free time is such an advantage!

Why earning money is important?

1) Gives freedom

How many of you felt restricted when you didn't have money of your own and had to convince a friend or family to buy? More often than not, you had to compromise depending on their willingness to spend.  

2) Gives the power to pursue dreams

While it's our determination and patience that design our future, money also plays a big catalyst. Many students or professionals have compromised their careers and future because of a lack of money.

3) Gives Security

Money has a big role to play during uncertainties, whether you agree or not. It can be health, education or other things, having money gives us a sense of comfort and security and not feeling helpless.

4) Reduces financial stress

Given the rise in price in every sector, the importance of money has increased. This limitation can affect psychologically resulting in stress.

After the why portion, now let's dive into the big question - How to earn money?

In this era, one doesn’t have to look further and everything can be done in one download! While there are many such apps in the market, Taskmo App has always stood out in the crowd.

What makes the Taskmo App better than any of its competitors?

1) Instant Payout

2) Exposure to Top Brands

3) Get Digitally Trained

4) Work Time Flexibility

5) No Application Fees

6) No Resume Required

7) No Age Limitations

8) Industry Relevant Jobs

9) No Gender Barriers

10) Easy & Hassle-Free

What are the roles you can apply to?

a) Merchant / Partner Onboarding

b) Tele Support

c) Stock Audits

d) Product Sampling

e) Content Moderation

Hardly any other app in the market can provide so much. Even the Taskmo App has a user-friendly interface so that it's easy for everyone to use.

If you wish to be our Tasker then you need to register yourself. In order to prevent any trouble post your download, let us give you a detailed breakup of what to expect from it. The steps are:

1) Login

Simple login with basic details is all it takes for our Taskers to begin their journey.

2) Set up your profile

It takes only a minute to set up a profile which requires Aadhaar Card, PAN card and other required credentials.

3) Task selection

Based on the preference of time and location, you can select a task from a wide range of variety.

4) Digital Training & Assessment

Upon the task selection, digital training is available to help you understand the process of the job. Assessments are mandatory as it helps you to analyse your own understanding of the task.

5) Add Leads

You can now begin the tasks after they start adding leads. More leads you add, the more tasks you can perform!

6) AI-Driven QC Engine

This helps in curating tasks with an accuracy of 90-95%.

7) Payment

Post the approved task, you get instant payouts credited to your Taskmo account, where 100% transparency is maintained.

Taskmo App has helped in uplifting the lives of many Taskers and they continue to avail of our services.

[defnotacoolguy]

Can I just make a list of shitty things cause I feel like it

My dad is an abuser, he abused my mom multiple times, he used to get drunk and hit her, he made her feel like she couldn’t do anything by herself so he was the one giving her everything to make her feel powerless

Mom couldn’t be with me for most of my childhood because of the divorce, my dad never gave us any money to help so she had to work all day and I had to learn to be by myself and do everything by myself ever since I was like 8

I was a grieving kid because I felt like I had no parents and I was terrified of being alone, so I was called a crybaby and a problem kid because of that

But the moment I shut down and stopped showing my feelings to most of my family and started being quiet around them, only focused on drawing, I got asked a thousand times why I couldn’t be normal

It is a running joke in my family the times that I was hit as an infant

I was always referred to as the rude, unkind, weird sibling, so the most important people in my family for me always preferred my sibling over me

I struggled with self harm constantly since I was 11 until I turned 18, even falling back to it a couple of times since then, only to be called a cry baby and attention seeker because of it

Oh boy and don’t let me get started on me being trans and pan

My mom only dated abusive people during my childhood so i have 1) attachment issues, 2) fear of relationships and commitment and 3) the habit of letting things get so bad in my relationships until a breaking point because I’m scared of speaking my mind before they get to that point

My mom dated for, at least, seven years one of the worst people I’ve ever met, who abused her, cheated on her multiple times, felt entitled for anything he wanted and I was told I was exaggerating for wanting him away from my life

I was so scared of maintaining a friendship after a breakup because I saw my mom go back to these men so many times and how worse things got, so I always managed to sabotage my own relationships in fear of it

My sibling, the person who I thought I could trust the most in my life, was always putting my achievements down and finding reasons to tell everyone how they were better than me

I wasn’t able to start college in time because my mom had been unemployed for more than a year, and of course my sibling didn’t care and still spent money without thinking, including failing subjects because, in their words, they thought the teachers would pass them despite their assignments

I would’ve gotten into a public university, but the career I wanted couldn’t be found in most places or the dates for the exams had already passed the moment I was told I wouldn’t be able to use the scholarship that I had gotten at my dream college even when it was of 50%

I had to start killing my ass looking for a job at 18 MID PANDEMIC because not only we barely had any money to support ourselves, but my house’s debt finally reached a breaking point so we had to leave and my dad literally laughed at our face because of it

I got a job as a teacher, I’m proud of myself and happy about it and then my sibling starts telling me that I don’t deserve that job and that I only got it because I got help but I don’t deserve it, just because they hadn’t been able to get a job by that point

When they finally got a job, first they would say all the good things it had in comparison to mine and how it was so great and amazing to a week later changing it to going back to how much harder than me they have it, and how they were fighting so hard and I was served everything in a golden plate

Oh, did I mention that they lost all their friends so I added them to my friend group cause, at the time, they were one of the people I loved and cared about the most, but then my friends started pushing them away cause it turns out they started talking shit about me to my friends or directly making them uncomfortable and asking them to fuck or kiss even when most of them were still underage and my sibling was 20 :)

Oh and when mom finally got a job, we could finally afford somewhere else to live, even if it’s far as fuck from what we were used to, life becomes living hell as every single thing I did was me being an attention seeker, an asshole, a crybaby or directly being abusive according to my sibling

Turns out, my mom really needs a surgery so we are planning to sell our car, our only way of moving across the city, to be able to afford it oh but guess what

My sibling, who had been acting unhinged for the last year or so, kept blaming my mom and I for their “shitty lifestyle” so they went to like 7 therapists, didn’t stay with any of them because “nobody told them what they wanted to hear” and then they found a psychiatrist who gave them antidepressants but they went on and off the treatment because you aren’t supposed to drink alcohol during it so they stopped taking them every time they wanted to drink which was like every week to then continue to blame us on their poor mental health

They came back to me over and over again asking for advice and I was so scared to give it because every single time they would react badly and scream at me

They would trap me in the car to scream at me so I’m terrified of cars and driving now lmao

Anyways, turns out they decide to go drink, even after taking their medicine that same fucking morning and oh guess what, they crash the car that we were going to sell to pay for the surgery

And they say they weren’t drunk and didn’t drink but they smell so much like alcohol haha! Isn’t that hilarious!

And everyone that sees the accident tells them that it’s a miracle that they didn’t die, and it’s their second chance in life and they literally couldn’t care less

And i just can’t stop thinking about how every single day i traveled with them in that car, sitting in the exact same seat that was stabbed with a retaining bar

If there would’ve been anybody in that car aside from my sibling, they wouldn’t had a chance of surviving

Oh and guess what, they were still mad at me because I told them to wash the dishes before accident, so they wouldn’t talk to me lmao

And who the fuck knows where their driving license is! And they won’t tell us so we literally had no money and the assurance wasn’t going to help with the situation, hooray!

And when we finally work something out the next days they act so entitled to everything, and says how we must do everything for them even though they are perfectly fine and are using only a collar for precaution oh but then they go out with a friend the next day, when they told us they couldn’t even drink water by themselves

And then I cry all day everyday because I don’t know what’s going to happen with my mom or my job! Yay!!! And my grandma and aunt, who I thought supported and loved me start telling me how everything, from my siblings breakdown and the crash, to my moms situation is my fault 💕 and I just make everything worse 💕

Then my sibling left the city because they didn’t want to help pay even a penny for what they did :)

But fortunately my mom is able to get surgery because her new boyfriend of like three months, who is more my dad than my biological dad, helps us pay for it and guess who comes back to see my mom after two months 😍 my sibling yay!!!

They spend all day with mom just telling her about how good their life is now and how happy they are now and making my mom feel like a shitty ass person when I know she’s not and she shouldn’t even be in that situation in the first place after having gotten surgery so recently

Oh and then my sibling tries to take everything from our house that night :) and I had to be alone with my boyfriend there to stop them because I literally had nobody else to be there :)))

And then I have to call mom to tell her what’s going on because it’s HER FUCKING HOUSE and my sibling tells me I’m a snitch and an asshole and that it’s their problem not mine so I should stay away ✨

You’ll never guess what happened the next day

After spending the night crying and shouting cause I can’t handle it 😍 and I don’t want to sleep at my house anymore because I’m terrified 😍 I get to the hospital the next day and my mom is okay, everything is okay until my sibling arrives and suddenly mom starts feeling bad because of stress 💕

And I have to ask grandma to make my sibling leave the hospital because mom is only getting worse because of the stress that she is feeling since they are here but then grandma starts telling me that it’s my fault for telling her, and how I should have kept my mouth shut 💕 and every single bad thing that has happened is my fault

And then I go back to the room cause I can’t take it anymore, I don’t even feel alive at this point and I just want to smoke an entire box of cigarettes when they finally leave not without telling me shitty things that I can’t even remember because of the crisis mode I was in 🥰

And it’s been around seven-eight months since the accident and my family is broken and now my sibling sends me messages justifying their actions with being in an all time low without even apologizing for a single thing they’ve done to either of us

And I’m still here, I don’t know if I’m a good person or not, I just know that I seem to fuck everything up in my life, and I’m scared that it’s actually my fault and not the people who surround me, even if my therapist tells me over and over again that that’s not the case

[swearphil]

.

[nothorses]

Interview With An Ex-Radfem

exradfem is an anonymous Tumblr user who identifies as transmasculine, and previously spent time in radical feminist communities. They have offered their insight into those communities using their own experiences and memories as a firsthand resource.

Background

I was raised in an incredibly fundamentalist religion, and so was predisposed to falling for cult rhetoric. Naturally, I was kicked out for being a lesbian. I was taken in by the queer community, particularly the trans community, and I got back on my feet- somehow. I had a large group of queer friends, and loved it. I fully went in on being the Best Trans Ally Possible, and constantly tried to be a part of activism and discourse.

Unfortunately, I was undersocialized, undereducated, and overenthusiastic. I didn't fully understand queer or gender theory. In my world, when my parents told me my sexuality was a choice and I wasn't born that way, they were absolutely being homophobic. I understood that no one should care if it's a choice or not, but it was still incredibly, vitally important to me that I was born that way.

On top of that, I already had an intense distrust of men bred by a lot of trauma. That distrust bred a lot of gender essentialism that I couldn't pull out of the gender binary. I felt like it was fundamentally true that men were the problem, and that women were inherently more trustworthy. And I really didn't know where nonbinary people fit in.

Then I got sucked down the ace exclusionist pipeline; the way the arguments were framed made sense to my really surface-level, liberal view of politics. This had me primed to exclude people –– to feel like only those that had been oppressed exactly like me were my community.

Then I realized I was attracted to my nonbinary friend. I immediately felt super guilty that I was seeing them as a woman. I started doing some googling (helped along by ace exclusionists on Tumblr) and found the lesfem community, which is basically radfem “lite”: lesbians who are "only same sex attracted". This made sense to me, and it made me feel so much less guilty for being attracted to my friend; it was packaged as "this is just our inherent, biological desire that is completely uncontrollable". It didn't challenge my status quo, it made me feel less guilty about being a lesbian, and it allowed me to have a "biological" reason for rejecting men.

I don't know how much dysphoria was playing into this, and it's something I will probably never know; all of this is just piecing together jumbled memories and trying to connect dots. I know at the time I couldn't connect to this trans narrative of "feeling like a woman". I couldn't understand what trans women were feeling. This briefly made me question whether I was nonbinary, but radfem ideas had already started seeping into my head and I'm sure I was using them to repress that dysphoria. That's all I can remember.

The lesfem community seeded gender critical ideas and larger radfem princples, including gender socialization, gender as completely meaningless, oppression as based on sex, and lesbian separatism. It made so much innate sense to me, and I didn't realize that was because I was conditioned by the far right from the moment of my birth. Of course women were just a biological class obligated to raise children: that is how I always saw myself, and I always wanted to escape it.

I tried to stay in the realms of TIRF (Trans-Inclusive Radical Feminist) and "gender critical" spaces, because I couldn't take the vitriol on so many TERF blogs. It took so long for me to get to the point where I began seeing open and unveiled transphobia, and I had already read so much and bought into so much of it that I thought that I could just ignore those parts.

In that sense, it was absolutely a pipeline for me. I thought I could find a "middle ground", where I could "center women" without being transphobic.

Slowly, I realized that the transphobia was just more and more disgustingly pervasive. Some of the trans men and butch women I looked up to left the groups, and it was mostly just a bunch of nasty people left. So I left.

After two years offline, I started to recognize I was never going to be a healthy person without dealing with my dysphoria, and I made my way back onto Tumblr over the pandemic. I have realized I'm trans, and so much of this makes so much more sense now. I now see how I was basically using gender essentialism to repress my identity and keep myself in the closet, how it was genuinely weaponized by TERFs to keep me there, and how the ace exclusionist movement primed me into accepting lesbian separatism- and, finally, radical feminism.

The Interview

You mentioned the lesfem community, gender criticals, and TIRFs, which I haven't heard about before- would you mind elaborating on what those are, and what kinds of beliefs they hold?

I think the lesfem community is recruitment for lesbians into the TERF community. Everything is very sanitized and "reasonable", and there's an effort not to say anything bad about trans women. The main focus was that lesbian = homosexual female, and you can't be attracted to gender, because you can't know someone's gender before knowing them; only their sex.

It seemed logical at the time, thinking about sex as something impermeable and gender as internal identity. The most talk about trans women I saw initially was just in reference to the cotton ceiling, how sexual orientation is a permanent and unchangeable reality. Otherwise, the focus was homophobia. This appealed to me, as I was really clinging to the "born this way" narrative.

This ended up being a gateway to two split camps - TIRFs and gender crits.

I definitely liked to read TIRF stuff, mostly because I didn't like the idea of radical feminism having to be transphobic. But TIRFs think that misogyny is all down to hatred of femininity, and they use that as a basis to be able to say trans women are "just as" oppressed.

Gender criticals really fought out against this, and pushed the idea that gender is fake, and misogyny is just sex-based oppression based on reproductive issues. They believe that the source of misogyny is the "male need to control the source of reproduction"- which is what finally made me think I had found the "source" of my confusion. That's why I ended up in gender critical circles instead of TIRF circles.

I'm glad, honestly, because the mask-off transphobia is what made me finally see the light. I wouldn't have seen that in TIRF communities.

I believed this in-between idea, that misogyny was "sex-based oppression" and that transphobia was also real and horrible, but only based on transition, and therefore a completely different thing. I felt that this was the "nuanced" position to take.

The lesfem community also used the fact that a lot of lesbians have partners who transition, still stay with their lesbian partners, and see themselves as lesbian- and that a lot of trans men still see themselves as lesbians. That idea is very taboo and talked down in liberal queer spaces, and I had some vague feelings about it that made me angry, too. I really appreciated the frank talk of what I felt were my own taboo experiences.

I think gender critical ideology also really exploited my own dysphoria. There was a lot of talk about how "almost all butches have dysphoria and just don't talk about it", and that made me feel so much less alone and was, genuinely, a big relief to me that I "didn't have to be trans".

Lesfeminism is essentially lesbian separatism dressed up as sex education. Lesfems believe that genitals exist in two separate categories, and that not being attracted to penises is what defines lesbians. This is used to tell cis lesbians, "dont feel bad as a lesbian if you're attracted to trans men", and that they shouldn’t feel "guilty" for not being attracted to trans women. They believe that lesbianism is not defined as being attracted to women, it is defined as not being attracted to men; which is a root idea in lesbian separatism as well.

Lesfems also believe that attraction to anything other than explicit genitals is a fetish: if you're attracted to flat chests, facial hair, low voices, etc., but don't care if that person has a penis or not, you're bisexual with a fetish for masculine attributes. Essentially, they believe the “-sexual” suffix refers to the “sex” that you are assigned at birth, rather than your attraction: “homosexual” refers to two people of the same sex, etc. This was part of their pushback to the ace community, too.

I think they exploited the issues of trans men and actively ignored trans women intentionally, as a way of avoiding the “TERF” label. Pronouns were respected, and they espoused a constant stream of "trans women are women, trans men are men (but biology still exists and dictates sexual orientation)" to maintain face.

They would only be openly transmisogynistic in more private, radfem-only spaces.

For a while, I didn’t think that TERFs were real. I had read and agreed with the ideology of these "reasonable" people who others labeled as TERFs, so I felt like maybe it really was a strawman that didn't exist. I think that really helped suck me in.

It sounds from what you said like radical feminism works as a kind of funnel system, with "lesfem" being one gateway leading in, and "TIRF" and "gender crit" being branches that lesfem specifically funnels into- with TERFs at the end of the funnel. Does that sound accurate?

I think that's a great description actually!

When I was growing up, I had to go to meetings to learn how to "best spread the word of god". It was brainwashing 101: start off by building a relationship, find a common ground. Do not tell them what you really believe. Use confusing language and cute innuendos to "draw them in". Prey on their emotions by having long exhausting sermons, using music and peer pressure to manipulate them into making a commitment to the church, then BAM- hit them with the weird shit.

Obviously I am paraphrasing, but this was framed as a necessary evil to not "freak out" the outsiders.

I started to see that same talk in gender critical circles: I remember seeing something to the effect of, "lesfem and gender crit spaces exist to cleanse you of the gender ideology so you can later understand the 'real' danger of it", which really freaked me out; I realized I was in a cult again.

I definitely think it's intentional. I think they got these ideas from evangelical Christianity, and they actively use it to spread it online and target young lesbians and transmascs. And I think gender critical butch spaces are there to draw in young transmascs who hate everything about femininity and womanhood, and lesfem spaces are there to spread the idea that trans women exist as a threat to lesbianism.

Do you know if they view TIRFs a similar way- as essentially prepping people for TERF indoctrination?

Yes and no.

I've seen lots of in-fighting about TIRFs; most TERFs see them as a detriment, worse than the "TRAs" themselves. I've also definitely seen it posed as "baby's first radfeminism". A lot of TIRFs are trans women, at least from what I've seen on Tumblr, and therefore are not accepted or liked by radfems. To be completely honest, I don't think they're liked by anyone. They just hate men.

TIRFs are almost another breed altogether; I don't know if they have ties to lesfems at all, but I do think they might've spearheaded the online ace exclusionist discourse. I think a lot of them also swallowed radfem ideology without knowing what it was, and parrot it without thinking too hard about how it contradicts with other ideas they have.

The difference is TIRFs exist. They're real people with a bizarre, contradictory ideology. The lesfem community, on the other hand, is a completely manufactured "community" of crypto-terfs designed specifically to indoctrinate people into TERF ideology.

Part of my interest in TIRFs here is that they seem to have a heavy hand in the way transmascs are treated by the trans community, and if you're right that they were a big part of ace exclusionism too they've had a huge impact on queer discourse as a whole for some time. It seems likely that Baeddels came out of that movement too.

Yes, there’s a lot of overlap. The more digging I did, the more I found that it's a smaller circle running the show than it seems. TIRFs really do a lot of legwork in peddling the ideology to outer queer community, who tend to see it as generic feminism.

TERFs joke a lot about how non-radfems will repost or reblog from TERFs, adding "op is a TERF”. They're very gleeful when people accept their ideology with the mask on. They think it means these people are close to fully learning the "truth", and they see it as further evidence they have the truth the world is hiding. I think it's important to speak out against radical feminism in general, because they’re right; their ideology does seep out into the queer community.

Do you think there's any "good" radical feminism?

No. It sees women as the ultimate victim, rather than seeing gender as a tool to oppress different people differently. Radical feminism will always see men as the problem, and it is always going to do harm to men of color, gay men, trans men, disabled men, etc.

Women aren't a coherent class, and radfems are very panicked about that fact; they think it's going to be the end of us all. But what's wrong with that? That's like freaking out that white isn't a coherent group. It reveals more about you.

It's kind of the root of all exclusionism, the more I think about it, isn't it? Just freaking out that some group isn't going to be exclusive anymore.

Radical feminists believe that women are inherently better than men.

For TIRFs, it's gender essentialism. For TERFs, its bio essentialism. Both systems are fundamentally broken, and will always hurt the groups most at risk. Centering women and misogyny above all else erases the root causes of bigotry and oppression, and it erases the intersections of race and class. The idea that women are always fundamentally less threatening is very white and privileged.

It also ignores how cis women benefit from gender norms just as cis men do, and how cis men suffer from gender roles as well. It’s a system of control where gender non-conformity is a punishable offense.

[safespacespence]

i owe you

[summary] this random, curly-haired guy is having trouble asking a girl out. and you have this odd urge to help him out. by pretending you dated. and he didn’t call you back. you have no clue why you’re helping him out. [pairing] spencer reid + gn!reader [warnings] none [category] fluff! romcom like fluff [word count] 1.4k [a/n] based on legally blonde, when elle helps her friend out as he’s trying to ask a girl out. i imagine early seasons spencer, because babie! also i loved writing this coffee shop atmosphere, i havent been in so long because im broke and the pandemic but i miss the peace of it all. also, i just really wanted to write this idea out, and i’m still deciding if i like it or not, but felt like releasing it anyways because im impulsive like that :> hope you enjoy!

your senses were flooded with the morning rush of your favorite coffee shop. the coffee beans grinding and the steam of the coffee machine was mixed with the chatter of the baristas calling out customers’ names. you were welcomed by the smell of the freshly baked croissants of the seven-thirty am scheduled production. the smell of fresh croissants and coffee was like the hug you had every morning before work.

you knew what you wanted to order, of course. so as you stepped to stay in line, you let your eyes wander around the small room.

you found a few of the morning regulars scattered around, reading their newspaper, peering out the window, and sipping their coffee peacefully. there was a girl who looked like a university student, probably catching up on her readings. there was a couple lost in each others eyes as they talked and held hands, likely catching up before leaving for work. a single dad you saw another time, with his daughter who definitely was older now. and of course, the old man in the corner who was always there, sipping a large cup of black coffee.

as your eyes scanned the room, you had to double take as you saw a curly haired brunette by the newspaper stand. you probably saw him before, too, but he always rushed out of the coffee shop too quickly before you could look at his features. his back was turned towards you, and he was in conversation with a pretty girl. you could see his hand fiddling with the coffee cup in his hands, as he tried to maintain eye contact with her. she was blonde, and her outfit accentuated her figure well. if he was trying to flirt, you could see what he saw in her. but her behavior wasn’t mirroring his, if anything, she was quite the opposite. her face was morphed into a defensive, disgusted face. maybe she was uncomfortable? you stepped out of the line, and approached the two of them slowly. your assumptions were refuted when you heard her exclaim, “god, what makes you think i’d go out with you?!”

you were taken aback.

“i-i don’t know, i just thought i would ask—” you could hear the anxiety in his voice.

you’ve been in that situation before. and you don’t know what got into you. but you felt the need to help this guy out.

you could read the name on his coffee cup. spencer.

your personality quickly changed and you went up to the two with a knot in your chest.

“excuse me, but spencer, how dare you come here?! to my regular coffee place and what, to ask another girl out???” you finally saw his face. he wore glasses, with wide eyes behind the lens with an anxious look.

shock spread across him and the girl looked at you in confusion and surprise.

“i’m sorry, what?” he stammered, managing to get those few words out. the girl’s face was still frozen trying to process what was going on.

“you give me the best night of my life and then never call me back or text me? how dare you, spencer?”

his brows knitted in confusion before he managed to catch on to what you were doing.

“aren’t you sorry?” your eyes notioned to play along.

you could see him bite the inside of his cheek. he looked at the girl then at you, before saying, “i’m sorry—?”

“you should be. god, spencer, you really should be sorry.” you paused and looked at him before looking at the girl again, who was now smirking at spencer.

you walked away from the two of them and stepped back into line, and as you looked back, you could’ve sworn you heard the girl ask him when he was free for that date.

you chuckled to yourself before your thoughts went silent, wondering where that side of you even came from. and this poor guy, he was so nervous and vulnerable. it even seemed like it was his first time asking someone out.

you shook off the thoughts. you did what you did, it was over with, and you probably helped him get that date. you pulled out your paperback and read while in line until you came up to the counter.

“hi, a medium cold brew and a medium iced chocolate, but could you pour it into a large cup?” you beamed at the barista. you paid and moved aside, reading while waiting for your drink.

“excuse me, hi, sorry.” you felt a hand on your shoulder.

you turned to find your eyes meeting spencer’s. him again.

“hi, is everything okay?” you tiptoed to see if the girl was still there. “she left.” he was looking at his fidgeting hands. “oh, i’m so sorry.” you looked at him pitifully. “no, no it’s okay! she did end up wanting to go on a date with me, but i declined.”

your face made it obvious you were stifling a laugh. “so my amazing performance, and for what!”

he let out a chortle and loosened up a bit. “i’m sorry it took me a while to catch on to what was happening.” “oh, gosh, don’t worry about it! i honestly don’t know why i even did that—” “no it definitely helped!” he was fidgeting with his cup. “i wanted to say thank you. my friend, uh, derek, dared me to ask a girl out. he’s been giving me advice lately. but i guess some things only work when you look like him.” he joked, running his hand through his hair like a nervous spasm.

you smiled as he rambled.

“listen, uh, oh shoot, i never got your name!” he jumped a little.

he was so cute.

and right on time, the barista called your name out. you smiled at him as you grabbed your cup. “well, now you know.” you smirked.

“that was really nice of you, saving me back there.”

“oh, no, come on. just some friendly decency.” you smiled at him.

he bit his lip nervously, before a spark crossed his eyes. he looked at the barista, and asked, “sorry, could i borrow your marker?”

you looked at him quizzically as his face was lit, waiting for the barista to return with a marker.

as he retrieved the marker from the barista, he looked back at you. your head tilted in confusion. “may i?” he asked, hand open in front of your hand holding your coffee.

“oh!” you gave him your cup, and he held it up in front of him.

he wrote something on your cup that you couldn’t quite make out.

he grinned as he returned the coffee cup into your hands.

“your next coffee is on me.” he clutched his satchel, and his smile didn’t waver one bit.

“thanks, spencer.”

“and when we get that coffee, i’ll tell you what i think about your book.”

“oh, you’ve read this?” you lifted your book up.

“just three times, it’s pretty good.”

you scoffed, looking down at your paperback. it was one of the longest books you owned. you’ve been reading it for a month now, and you were barely halfway.

“three times, huh?”

you looked back up at the brunette. you couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic, or if he was trying to impress you.

he nodded enthusiastically.

oh, he was serious. and cute. and reads books. you felt your stomach twist a little. oh my god, butterflies? this was new.

your thoughts were interrupted with the sound of a phone ringing.

spencer scrambled to grab his phone from his pocket. “hi. yes. okay, i’m coming.”

he sounded rushed.

“i’m so sorry, but it was so nice to meet you.” he was hastily putting his phone back in his pocket and was backing up towards the door. “text me, and i promise not to spoil the end of the book.”

you felt the corners of your mouth perk up. “okay, i will text you.”

he paused and smiled at you before stepping out the door. one last look.

you felt your heart skip a little as you kept your eyes on each other until he was completely out the door and out of sight.

as you remembered the coffee cup in your hands, you looked down to see what he wrote.

there, in unique, scratchy handwriting, was his name, and his phone number, along with a very little message.

‘i owe you :)’

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[tomorrowxtogether]

Three hours and 40 minutes made up for two years without TOMORROW X TOGETHER

The group gives a look behind the scenes of MOA X TOGETHER

2022.04.11

They came out like walking pairs of legs. Their torsos were just there for show. 8FEETTALL X TOGETHER. In-your-face facial features. Fresh, thrilling countenance. These are some of the first-hand reviews left by fans, for fans after TOMORROW X TOGETHER’s in-person “fanlive” event, MOA X TOGETHER, which was held on March 5 and 6. Prior to the pandemic, this kind of review was commonplace after every in-person event. But once the pandemic hit, it became impossible for fans to see their favorite artists perform in person. Groups like TOMORROW X TOGETHER, who only debuted around a year before COVID-19, had just a small window in which to see their fans and were left wondering when their next reunion might be. The wait was nearly two years long, but TOMORROW X TOGETHER and their fandom, MOA, were finally able to meet in real life again at the fanlive event.

SOOBIN had been excited but also worried about performing for his fans in person. “Other than the one promotional tour we did in the US, this was basically the first time we got to see so many MOA in one place,” he said. “I was excited for it, but I was also worried that I might feel awkward and shy because I haven’t seen the fans in so long.” For groups like TOMORROW X TOGETHER, the pandemic has been a time of waiting and sometimes uncertainty. Because they could not see their fans in person, “We did performances without MOA so many times,” HUENINGKAI said. “So sometimes I even doubted whether I could really call myself a singer. I could still sense them continuously supporting us from afar, but I still felt sad since it’s better to see that/them in person, but we couldn’t.” And it is not just a psychological issue: With the pandemic still not completely over, all the organizers faced their own unique challenges while preparing for the event. There were many variables to consider, such as the sudden suspension of vaccine passes while the event was still being organized. Eum Hye Jeong, a lead professional with the HYBE 360 Concert Production Studio, directed the concert held at the event, saying it “was the first time in about two and a half years seeing a concert full of people like that for me, too,” adding, “I was so happy when we could fill all the seats thanks to changes to the social distancing rules.” HYBE 360 overseas business manager Kim Mi Ri said the artists appeared to have felt shy at the previous event. “With TOMORROW X TOGETHER getting their start at the same time COVID-19 did, they didn’t have much chance to do in-person concerts, and when they did SHINE X TOGETHER, last year’s fanlive event, they looked a little shy when they saw their fans,” she said. “I hoped the most recent in-person concert would help them get over that.”

“The fanlive was when artists and fans were finally going to meet,” Kim said, “so the production team and the planning team both kept saying we should be focusing on them meeting together.” The idea behind last year’s fanlive event was a boy leaving to seek out the stars, but the latest event brought the group down to earth and highlighted them as friends of MOA. The set list, too, reflected the meet-and-connect direction the performance took on. “Concerts are usually focused around an approach that emphasizes the performer’s artistic side on stage,” Eum said. “While concerts are about showing your focus on the performance and dedication to your craft, the most important part of the fanlives is maintaining a connection with the fans. Even when we make the set list, we consider the fandom’s preferences to choose the songs they like the most and ones we think they will like.” And, of course, the members themselves have a big say in the make-up of the set list.

“We usually put on a performance to go along with a particular album, so for the fanlive I thought it would be nice to do all the performances our fans would like,” YEONJUN said, explaining how the set list was decided. TAEHYUN, meanwhile, said the members “all talked to each other about putting on performances the fans haven’t seen as much of, so we decided to perform songs we had only done on stage once, like ‘20cm,’ and even those songs we never performed for fans in person even once. It was fun because it felt like the fanlive had this whole story of its own, different from our concert.” The members’ ideas led to the latest set list including songs like “20cm” and “Dear Sputnik” that would be performed offline for the first time. TAEHYUN said he “actually really wanted to give MOA a performance” of “Dear Sputnik” “because I think there’s so much that can’t be properly conveyed through a performance online. What you hear in real life versus over the air is completely different, too. For example, it feels like the sensitivity of the texture is missing when you experience it online compared to everything you can hear and see in real life. In some ways it covers up any problems, but at the same time it hides what makes it good. I look at that as a loss for TOMORROW X TOGETHER,” he said, adding, “I went for something that would be easier to pick up on in terms of sound and visuals. I worked really hard on that since it was something I could finally do this time.”

The set list was mostly made up of songs the fans wanted to see in person, such as TOMORROW X TOGETHER’s cover of “Sriracha,” which was the song the group had proven themselves with in order to debut. “The one I worked hardest on was ‘Sriracha,’” BEOMGYU said. “That was the first time we ever did it in full [for MOA], so I worked really hard on it. ‘Sriracha’ actually has a whole different meaning for us. We had such a hard time when we were getting ready for this song as trainees. Performing the song again after our debut and doing it for MOA makes me feel a lot less pressured about it. We made it through our debut, and now we’re singing this song again in front of MOA! It felt a lot different for us.” Kim also explained how they “tried to include different highlights for fans for each day by differentiating the two days’ set lists,” creating a separate list for each day and making the second day a global version of the first so that international fans could enjoy the fun just like the Korean fans. Consequently, they were able to put on performances like “Everlasting Shine” and “Ito,” neither of which had ever been performed offline since their releases in 2020.

A prime example was the performance of “Cat & Dog,” considered by fans to be, in their words, a legendary performance. It was designed to break away from the framework of the existing performance by including a cat owner role (the so-called butler) and various props. Each member wore something representative of their role, like a butler’s glasses, cat ears or dog ears. “We can’t wear cat ears, dog ears and butler costumes like that somewhere like a music show on TV,” SOOBIN said. “We figured MOA would love it if we did something at the fanlive that they like but that we couldn’t do anywhere else.” Eum said there was some backstory to how the butler role was cast. “When I pictured the visuals, I was certain YEONJUN could pull off a charismatic butler character,” she said. “I pictured HUENINGKAI as a polite butler who becomes flustered by how cute the cats and dogs are and doesn’t know what to do.”

Getting everything prepared was an involved process that reflected the state of mind of the fans who would meet the group in person. Because each had not seen the other for so long, the crew had individual cameras focused on each of the members so the fans wouldn’t miss a single move. They experimented with capturing the feeling of watching an online multi-view broadcast by using an LED screen divided into five views right in the venue itself. The thrust stage was designed in the shape of TOMORROW X TOGETHER Official Light Stick and purposely set at a low height, while the turntable (revolving stage) allowed fans to see the group from every angle. “It was fun to interact with MOA from the thrust stage,” HUENINGKAI said. “I was absolutely touched. I felt all choked up.” Fans who saw the members up close and personal wrote first-hand reviews of each member that once again made the rounds on social media in compiled form. There were also fans who made playlists that recreated the set list from the fanlive event. TOMORROW X TOGETHER seemed to have even taken away more from the event than MOA. “I think a part of me will linger on the stage even now that it’s over,” YEONJUN said. “The nostalgia is real,” TAEHYUN said in a Weverse comment. SOOBIN had more to say on what the fanlive event meant to him. “They say that the longer you’re physically apart, the further your hearts grow apart, too,” he said. “We’ve been apart from MOA for a long time. We had our own things to deal with, but MOA must have had a really hard time, and I think the fanlive was a good chance for us to catch up with each other.”  Q: What is MOA to TOMORROW X TOGETHER?

Even back when TOMORROW X TOGETHER existed as nothing more than text (.txt) on TXTuniverse, a community for fans before Weverse opened, in the days before TOMORROW X TOGETHER revealed themselves to the world, the group used to openly share how they felt about their then upcoming debut and the occasional fear and pressure they felt in their debut diary, as though speaking with friends. Likewise, the members spoke sincerely at the in-person fanlive event. “I had been looking at empty seats with no MOA while performing all that time that I almost actually lost interest in performing a little,” YEONJUN said from the stage, looking back at the difficulty he has faced during the pandemic as an artist. TAEHYUN, too, expressed how “it’s hard to express how grateful I am—for coming all the way here today, for watching us online, for holding your own special events for us. I’m experiencing emotions I never felt before in my life.” HUENINGKAI talked about how “we’re all spending this hard time together, and I just wanted to say thank you for getting through it all so well the way you have been,” and BEOMGYU reflected on what the event meant to him, saying, “To be honest, once COVID-19 started, I felt like I didn’t even know what we were performing for, but over the two days of this fanlive, I think I found out why I became a singer and wanted to perform this much.” SOOBIN asked MOA to “wait just a little longer, because we’ll have more opportunities to see you in more and bigger places,” and BEOMGYU, too, made a promise for the future: “There’s more days ahead for us to spend together, so let’s all put our sadness aside and go forward together into a brighter tomorrow.”

[astranva]

Basic Fucking T-Shirt

Word Count: 1.3k

Category: Fluff

Warning: Just some language, not much. not proofread.

Summary: Y/N learned how to sew, and Harry is getting spoiled by it.

..

While quarantine had been melancholic and tiresome, between the stress and pressure of staying sanitised to worrying over family and friends, to checking up on people who were stuck in a country that wasn’t theirs, most people took to trying new home activities to maintain sanity in the chaos that was very much like Gotham City’s.

You remember how worrying it was to be without Harry when they declared the virus as pandemic, having had been separated by Harry’s job in another country.

You remember crying together on the phone, promises of staying safe until you reunite being spoken among the heavy sighs and clenched hearts.

But then Harry came, and he was so close yet so far, after he had self-isolated in your home; staying in the guest room, getting food in a tray in front of the door, not moving out of the room without a mask and gloves, for 14 days, only to make sure you were safe.

It wasn’t until the both of you embraced that the both of you, as cliché as it might sound, could actually breathe.

You started joining Harry for morning walks in your masks outside, both of you trying to make the best out of the situation – even if that “best” was just going outside for very limited time.

Among quarantining together and trying out new recipes, ordering and sanitising board games to play, connecting on another level, you had decided to try one new thing.

Sewing.

Harry had become used to seeing you in the office room, sewing machine on the desk, you in your eyeglasses and concentrated face on.

It was as domestic as domestic could get.

“H! H, look!” You had practically zoomed to where he was, replying to emails in the living room.

He had known that you were working on something upstairs with your machine, having had heard the sound of it and knowing by then that you only disappeared when you were sewing.

And seeing you standing in front of him, wide grin on your face, hair a little dishevelled, a new tote bag that had “HS” embroidered it, he couldn’t help but fall in love all over again.

“I made you a tote bag!”

And God, he teared up right there and then.

It only made sense that he began to wear no bag, no purse, nothing else, but the tote bag you made him.

“Yeah, my girlfriend made this,” he’d say whether somebody asked or not, “First thing she sewed. Can you see these pink and blue threa- yeah, that’s for Fine Line. Bloody talented, isn’t she?”

But then another tote bag was sewed, and then a headband to keep his hair back when he trained, and then a sunglasses case, and then two pillowcases for the both of you.

You had taken 4 days away from your sewing machine after that, but it wasn’t until one night that you went back to it.

Waking up in the middle of the night after suddenly feeling the absence of your body beside him, Harry had reached out to feel you, only to receive a confirmation that you weren’t in bed.

His eyebrows were close together in a frown, lips slightly swollen and head a tad dizzy from standing too quickly.

“Love?” He called gently, just making sure that you weren’t in the ensuite, despite the lights not being on, but don’t judge him — he was sleepy.

Stuffing his feet inside his fuzzy slippers, Harry let out a sigh as he walked outside the room, one hand reaching to brush back his hair before rubbing his face.

And then he heard it.

The sound of your sewing machine coming from the office room.

Knocking gently, Harry didn’t wait before he opened the door, “Baby?”

You were in your own world, focused to no end on the fabric and your hands as you worked on your newest work, unaware of the tall, sleepy man leaning on the doorframe.

Noticing that you were too focused, Harry pushed himself off of the doorframe before moving to you, “Baby,” he called again, this time, your head snapping to look at him, “Hey.”

“Did I wake you? Was it too loud?” You instantly asked gently, face softening as you looked up at him, your hands reaching to hold on to his after he placed his rings-bare hands on your shoulders.

He shook his head, “Not the sound. Just noticed you were gone,” he answered, “It’s late, love.”

“I know, I just couldn’t sleep without working on this, really,” you chuckled, almost laughing at how impatient you were, “I’ll be in bed soon.”

“What are you working on?” Harry smiled, amusement seeming to make his eyes twinkle as he absorbed you sitting there.

“It’s a surprise.” You smiled up at him, “Let me just finish this up and I’ll be there, yeah?”

He nodded, leaning down to press a kiss to your forehead, “Don’t be gone for too long.”

“I won’t.”

And you stayed true to your words because 5 minutes later, you were back in bed, in his arms, sleepily mumbling an “I love you” back.

It took you two more days of locking yourself in the office room before Harry came back from the studio one night to a messily wrapped gift on the table.

“Babe, I’m home!” He announced, leaving his keys on the table before looking at the present, finding a little note attached to it;

To Harry, From Y/N x

“You’re home!” He looked up once he heard you, seeing you rush to where he was with the widest smile on your face.

Greeting you with a kiss, Harry had a loving smirk on his face, glancing down at the present before looking back at you, “What’s that?”

“Newest work.” You dusted off his shoulders, looking at him with excitement.

“You’re showering me, love.”

You gave him a shrug, “I like it.”

“Thank you.” He said genuinely, leaning to peck your lips one more time.

“Go on, open it.” You moved back, hands going to your hips as you impatiently waited.

Holding it in his hands, he took notice of how light it was and he instantly guessed that it was probably apparel.

Being careful as to not tear the wrapping paper, Harry’s stomach erupted in butterflies as he took out the white t-shirt.

A t-shirt, made from scratch, was what you made him, but right there in the middle, a small sized text of embroidery was placed;

‘my girlfriend made me this t-shirt to remind me that i don’t have to spend thousands on a basic fucking white t-shirt.’

Harry’s laugh filled the house, eyebrows going up in surprise and his face, quite literally though not so scientifically, lit up.

Not realising yet knowing how much of an effect Harry had on you, and you on him, your face lit up with an excited smile, shyly clasping your hands together under your chin, “You like it?”

His laughter died down into chuckles, shaking his head in disbelief before approaching you in a couple of steps, his hands reaching to cup your cheeks, “You’re incredible, you know that?”

You giggled – a sound that made it to the top of Harry’s “favourite sounds” list.

“I love it,” he said before pressing his lips against yours, “So much,” another kiss, “Thank you for making it,” and another, “I love you.” And yet, another kiss was gently placed on your lips.

To nobody’s surprise, Harry wore the t-shirt at every moment he could; online interview? Restocking food necessities from the grocery’s? Writing sesh with Tom and Mitch? Walks?

It was also no surprise when fans started making their own version of the t-shirt, adopting a name for it that had you all surprised and giggly, taking to Twitter to directly fangirl with them:

Basic Fucking T-Shirt.

[memryse]

i wanna expand on my tags a little actually <3 loveposting for the mcyt fandom at the end but under a cut bc this is pretty heavy Backstory (tw for suicidal ideation) and i’ve never spoken about it publicly before but i think i would like to get it off my chest after all this time. bc i never really opened up about it and i don’t think i could say it directly to anyone

ok so. pandemic bad. we all get that right

i handled the first part of the pandemic p well. it was summer, as an introvert (and, as i have recently realised, an undiagnosed autistic who was REALLY struggling in sixth form) i enjoyed the freedom from other people. i ended a shit relationship (don’t edate, kids), got super into twisted wonderland, made some lovely friends in my twst server who i still adore to this day. i thought the pandemic would be great for me!

but as it turns out, i actually do need a little bit of contact with people my own age in order to not go insane. and to put my social situation into perspective, i had a friend group at sixth form who i never talked to outside of school and intended to drop the minute i had an excuse to do so because they were transphobic, and two friends from pre-sixth form who went elsewhere for sixth form who i Also barely talked to anymore because. again. undiagnosed autistic. reaching out to people just to say “hi” and make small talk is not my thing no matter how well i know a person.

so september rolls around, we start university. i my friends move to their unis, i move to mine for a bit, make friends with one of my flatmates, but then we go back into lockdown at halloween and both of us go home. again, i struggle to keep contact with her, and i’ve made no real friends in my online classes either - i talk in the group chats a lot, met my classmates once while i was still at uni, but don’t click with anyone. and it’s also november. so all of these things considered, the seasonal depression hits really hard.

i realise i wasted my entire time in school being a terminally online kid who can’t maintain friendships with people in real life (narrator voice: this is, again, because of the undiagnosed autism and wanting to share your obscure hyperfixations but nobody irl caring). and i also realise how little i ever have private conversations with people even online, that barely anyone ever even bothers reaching out to me personally despite me having several close online friend groups. and i just… get it into my head that i’m fundamentally unlikeable and broken as a person, that i’m not worth getting to know outside of a group setting. i start noticing everything about other people’s friendships to the point that i either have to remove myself from conversations where my twst friends would mention other people or i would just outright take out my misery on them because i had no other outlet other than this twst server that i ran. by the end of december, i was idly contemplating suicide pretty much every day. it’s without a doubt the most mentally unhealthy i’ve ever been - i’m normally very self aware/analytical of myself but i was so absorbed in how utterly miserable i was that i couldn’t see how much of a dick i was actually being. the worst part is that my friends did reach out, but at the time it didn’t help, because it just made it feel like people only cared because i was acting so obviously concerning.

i think around mid january i realised it was not healthy for me to be around those people, but even then i hadn’t realised i was treating them like shit, it was very much from a self absorbed place of “i will feel worse if i keep hanging out in this server”. so i just… cut myself off from people. deactivate my twitter. try to stop talking in the server as much as possible. focus on uni work. still utterly alone in real life - my two school friends would message me every once in a while, but i never know how to properly respond, which continues the cycle of me feeling isolated and broken. yknow what’s funny is that in hindsight we had a minecraft server with the three of us in december and my brain erased all connection between “your friends want to play minecraft with you” and “your friends like you and want to hang out with you”. and i knew they were talking and hanging out with each other too and that they knew each other’s personal lives, but i was comparatively out of the loop. what i’m trying to say here is that i used to not think jealousy was a genuine thing until i became the human embodiment of it

except for one thing. one of those friends is a wilbur/dsmp fan. and they keep messaging me dsmp references, which i absolutely do not get, but am sort of aware of the existence of the dream smp. i watch a couple of the videos they send me, but generally understand none of it. all i know from twitter is “dream is bad”

it gets to the end of february/beginning of march, and i say fuck it. i start watching wilbur’s dsmp videos, and then tommy’s. by the time i get to the exile vods, it’s become such a hyperfixation that i physically can’t concentrate in class anymore because all i can think about is watching the next vod. which, yknow, not great for my academics especially when i’m already struggling because of the Mental Illness. but what it does give me is an excuse to talk to my friend! and our other friend sees me getting into it and decides to check it out too (hi mint if you’re reading this. i’d put a heart but it feels a bit awkward after the paragraphs about suicidal depression) in total it takes me like. two or three weeks to catch up with the general gist of lore, with my first live streams being the prison streams. for related reasons i don’t remember most of that period. it was a BLUR

i reactivate my twitter because i’m unable to keep myself from gushing about the hypfx. at first i only use a 0 follower side acc because i think everyone will hate me for liking mcyt. then i decide to post it on main, predictably lose followers so i do end up making a diff account. BUT hog hunt comes out, which convinces sin, my twitter mutual since 2017 or 2018 to go from “will maybe watch dsmp one day” to “has to find out about this thing immediately”. we’d been mutuals for so long and are basically the same person but had never properly become close bc we were always into different things

and well. all of that somehow ends up in me getting into 3l and hermitcraft despite having awful associations with hc because of the shitty relationship from the start of the post. me, irl friend mint, sin and some other New friends manage to all become a friend group because of a minecraft server. long story short in april i travelled to london to meet up with them because they’re my dearest friends and i have photos of us on my wall all together wearing minecraft youtuber merch.

i talk to both of those irl friends nearly every day now. which all started with mcyt yes but we’re just overall so much closer now, we all live in different places but make efforts to hang out a lot - often for mcc <3

starting in december i allowed myself to properly start talking in that twst server again. for most of 2021 i’d been too hyperfixated on mcyt to even really want to, but i was also so disgusted by how badly i’d treated them that i figured they were better off without me. but… they welcomed me back with open arms, i’ve never felt an ounce of anger from them even though they definitely deserve to be mad at me for all of that. i talk to them most days even if it’s just to check in or share an outfit. they’re like my family and i love them so dearly

and finally! i moved back to uni in march and worked up the courage to join a society - i became such fast friends with them, we hang out so much and i met multiple hc fans in the society! one of them is coming over to watch double life with me tomorrow <3 i thought i was incapable of making new friends but i’ve clicked so well with all of them. the mcyt thing is just one part of that, but well. domino effect. if all of the above hadn’t happened i would have been too depressed to consider even trying making new friends. and i’m so glad i did.

i’ve made so many cool friends from tumblr too, and never in my life did i see myself returning to tumblr until i found out that there were more inniters on tumblr <3 in general my life has just done a complete 180 from early 2021 and i truly owe all of it to the video of crimeboys trying to gaslight phil into thinking he doesn’t have a wife, and the video of tubbo trying to pronounce “diamantspitzhacke”. this fandom is hell sometimes but it’s definitely the reason i’m alive today, so that’s generally a good thing i think

yeah this got. really long but okay. the one part of my life that i have still not improved is that i have no clue how to open up to people, i don’t really do direct emotional closeness. nor would i necessarily want to dump all of this directly on anyone, because it’d almost feel like i’m blaming them for that dark point in my life, like i’m saying “you should have been there for me”. but i’m done being angry about it, i could have done more to reach out for help. so writing this out and sending it off to the void of tumblr is cathartic enough for me, and whoever happens to read it, i don’t really care. i’m just happy now. amazing what minecraft youtubers and a community of gay minecraft youtuber fans can do for a person