#the problem is you keep assuming abuse is the same thing as hating or hitting

[parkwatcher]

"there are no bad dogs, just bad owners uwu" so youre just admitting youre a bad owner then...........

[ilikepjo24]

On The Ashes of the Academy...

This will be a full review/analysis of the newest atla comic, now that I finally got my hands on it. I'll duel on some things more than others but overall, I'll share my unfiltered thoughts and feelings about it.

SpoliersSpoilersSpoilersSpoilersSpoilers!

First things first, this is such a hit-and-miss.

We're all glad Ursa is looking after Kiyi and we're all glad she sees that there was somthing wrong with Azula's upbringing, but ma'am, the school is not the problem. Sure, a bad learning environment doesn't benefit children in any way, but Azula's main problem was what was happening in her home, not in her school. Maybe, since you're finally considering taking a look in your daughter's childhood, you should also start looking inside and taking note of where you failed her. This just seems like an attempt at making Ursa look blameless by saying "Oh, look, Azula isn't inherently evil, it's her school that messed her up. Certainly, Zuko's perfect mom didn't contribute to it at all!"

I mean, if you want my opinion, you lost her when you subconsciously decided to give her less attention than Zuko, which, tragically, could have been before she was even born. But this series of panels, once again, does the same thing I mentioned above; passing the responsibility around. Ursa didn't lose Azula to someone or something. She let her go. And that's assuming that she even had Azula is the first place, at any point, which could be just wishful thinking. While Ozai, and the FN as a whole played a part, Ursa can't keep viewing them as the only parties responsible instead of holding herself accountable.

Zuko pisses me off her as well because he's doing the exactly same thing, but in a different way. He removes responsibility from Ursa, but instead of placing it on the school or his father, he seems to place it on Azula's very own nature, implying that her problem was just that she was Azula, and other kids under similar circumstances would have done better, simply because they are not Azula, which is simply not true. Azula's problem isn't that she's Azula, it's that she is a product of systematic propaganda and domestic abuse and neglect.

It must take lots of nerve to hire a person that's a product of Ozai's rule, that actively and publicly supports Ozai's way of doing things, and then being bothered and flabbergasted that this person wants to do things Ozai's way. Zuko, my man, hire a new headmistress. I've seen this lady once and I know better than to trust her. Are all that survival instincts Zuko ever had sliding right off his smooth, shiny brain? Either he is actively trying to sabotage himself, or he's just that stupid.

DOGSHIT. Arguably the most annoying thing about this comic, methinks. Such a lazy way of trying to redeem Mai. I understand that she's meant to be Zuko's love intrest, so she needs to be good and support his deals, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, this must be the worst way to do it. This is just anti-Azula propaganda by this point.

If you want to redeem a character, hot take, actually redeem them. Instead of actually moving forward with Mai's character, they're backpetaling. Instead of adding redeeming qualities, they are removing the bad ones in an underhanded way. Very lazy, very bad writing. Both Mai and Azula deserve better than this.

I have way too many thoughts about these bit specifically, but this is an overall review of the comic, so I don't want to duel on one thing apecifically. I' ll talk more about everything that I hate about this "twist" in regards to Mai's character and her relationship with Azula in a different post on a different day.

Can't wait to show this to the "Azula is abusive for thowing fire at an apple that was on top of Mai's head" people. Behold! Mai started throwing dangerous shit at Azula first. This is them becoming friends. If Azula is abusive for continuing the tradition, what does tha make Mai, the one who started it?

This is more amusing to me than frustrating, if I'm being honest. They are trying so hard to make Azula out to be this inherently evil hell creature, that they don't even realize how terribly they're failing. The only thing making this interaction intimidating is framing. Azula is genuinly just being a normal kid here. Seriously, I dare you to antagonize a kid and count the minutes until they pull the parent card. I've had kids tell me that their parent works in the environment of political figures and can get me fired unless I let them run wild. Children are terribly aware of their powerlessness even if they don't show it. Borrowing mommy and daddy's "power" to wield as a threat is very typical behavior, especially in new environments. Azula isn't any more evil than any other first grader is. Which, to be fair, is reletavily evil, dependend on who you ask XD.

"Being friends with her sucked. Yeah, she was the only person I had growing up that made me feel like I mattered, since my dad used me and my mom wanted me to be an unemotional porcelain doll, but she was evil."

Two faced. Too fake. Do better. I am officially a certified Mai hater.

At this point, Mai confuses me. On one hand, she acts as if Azula is the antichrist and being mean just for the hell of it. Then, when Kiyi asks, she seems to display some actual understanding towards Azula's situation. Seems to acknowledge that who Azula is right now is the handywork of a third party, the intentions of which Azula herself doesn't fully understand, but blindly follows anyway because what else can she really do? The third party includes the only parent that pays attention to her after all.

Listen closely, because I will say this once. I better not see any of you haters blame Azula for this. "Oh, Azula is still trying to take the throne-" Shut your bitch ass up. Azula is not talking to those guys. She's working with her Fire Warriors and has no interactions with those dudes. Their actions do not reflect on her in any way, shape, or form. Them waiting for her doesn't mean she's working with them or that she has promised them anything at all. They're popping off in the assumption that she's coming back and the assumption that she'll reward them when she does. Key word beinh assumption.

And that will be all for now folks. All in all, this comic sucked. It attempts to redeem Mai and to demonize Azula and, franky, it fails at both those tasks as far as I'm conserned.

I do have that the empathy Mai showcased towards Azula is the begining of something. That her new role as a teacher and her mission of helping clean up the rooten system that raised Azula will develop into a teaching moment for the cast and the fandom. That it'll show them that Azula isn't inherently evil and therefore not beyond redemption. I genuinely hope that, eventually, we'll get the redemption Hicks teased in The Spirit Temple and that she's just playing the long game.

But for that to happen, some things have to change. The sytematic abuse needs to be showcased even more. We need to see the neglect Azula endured at home. Ursa needs to be held accountable for her failures. Azula should be given the chance to be a kid, not a weapon. I want to see a comic taking place before she displayed her firebending abilities for the first time.

Do better, Hicks.

[velvetvexations]

I unfollowed PT after she pulled the "you can't be afab and a transfem" thing a while ago, which was already really hurtful, and I kinda assumed the current backlash was just her saying some radfem talking points off the cuff, I figured it was an escalation but nothing too bad, but I found the posts and wow, this is like actually vile. Like I don't even have words for it vile. I really enjoyed her music and her posts helped me deal with a lot of my own issues for the short time I followed her, seeing her go so far down the transradfem pipeline that she's essentially saying (paraphrased) "transmascs have so few problems that it's our right as transfems to silence them whenever they try to speak, they do not even deserve to have a voice and pretending they do is in of itself transmisogynistic" is just. I don't know, it's just sad? I really did look up to her, seeing her hit that low of a point due to what I can only assume is years of harassment(which I mean, TERFs/radfems exploit past abuse to recruit so not surprised the suffering transfems have faced can be used the same way) hurts in a way I can't even describe.

I know we need to keep fighting to make it out of this, to actually move us towards trans unity and liberation(honestly seeing the ammount of random people jumping on the "let's harass a transfem for fun" train with PT makes the angry butch in me want to crack skulls in her defense even if she says disgusting things about people like me), but right now I hate this fucking discourse about as much as I hated ace/aro discourse even though the fight there was also worth it in the end. And I know shit's always been rough in queer spaces and the work will never truly be done, but seeing the trans community falling apart so badly that people straight up don't think some trans people deserve a voice at all is killing me.

We all deserve so much better than this. We really do.

We do, anon. I love you and I'm here for you. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[mdhwrites]

Recently, I've been poring over the 'TOH critical' tags and, as someone who wanted to properly watch the show, seeing just how many flaws the writing and characters have kinda turned me off from even starting for a bit. Before I found these tags, I would have assumed Owl House was some kind of flawless untouchable masterpiece. Now, I can see that it is immensely flawed. Not bad, but flawed. It has great ideas that it just spaffs up the walls. In some cases that I've seen, it goes against its own message, which brings me to the point of this.

The show seems to have a message of 'be a weirdo! Be who you want to be and don't let anyone tell you to be something you're not'. This 'be yourself' message is fine in a vacuum, but then there's a character who's treatment in the show goes against this. Hooty! From the moment he's introduced, Hooty is presented as a weird creature. Even other people in the Demon Realm find him unnatural. He's kinda in his own world, and he says and does things that are weird. This would work well for the message, but the problem arises from other characters' treatment of him.

Everyone fucking HATES Hooty! They loathe him! They call him names, they hit him, they put him down constantly, the works! Everyone holds him in open contempt! I wouldn't really have an issue with this at first, but Luz also takes part in some of these actions. It would be one thing for negative/antagonistic characters to be doing this, but the self-proclaimed 'weirdo' main characters? She seems annoyed by Hooty's very existence. Don't get me wrong, he IS annoying, but he's also just being himself. He's a proud weirdo and doesn't let anyone stop him from being who he wants.

Why doesn't Luz love him?

He is exactly the type of person(?) who she should feel connected with. And the fact she joins in on some of the bullying is real shitty. Keep in mind Luz was ridiculed and ostracised for being weird, so her then turning around and being all dismissive and annoyed by someone who is, for all intents and purposes, just like her is shitty.

Personally, I would have had it that Luz really likes Hooty. She admires how he's so unapologetic in his weirdness. You could even still have Eda hitting him and calling him names, which Luz calls out. She knows what it's like to be put down for just being yourself, and she's not gonna stand to see someone else get the same treatment.

Or, another idea, Luz starts out sharing Eda's view on Hooty and being annoyed by him. One time, he does something or shows Luz something he's proud of. She calls him or it or both stupid, and Hooty just....cries. I don't mean overblown waterfalls-out-the-eyes crying, I mean he turns his head down and looks visibly upset.

Luz sees that her words have genuinely hurt Hooty. This could be her realising that Hooty isn't just some weird talking punching bag to hurl abuse at. For his weird actions and appearance, he's a person too. Her being mean to him just for being himself, she realises, makes her no better than her bullies.

Then, to make this even more shitty, the characters DO start being nicer to him later on, but only after he's proven himself useful. So that's a good message, isn't it? 'Love is conditional!' It really makes the 'found family' aspect of the Owl House residents feel all the more forced.

Tl;Dr It's okay to be a weirdo, unless you're Hooty!

(But that's just me! I hope all of this made sense and you can decipher what I'm trying to say😊)

So the short answer to this is that Hooty is essentially character/thematic assassination on... Everyone? Because the show wants to say "Be who you are! Have freedom! Express yourself!" Hooty however is constantly mocked, belittled and literally hurt by others with at best an apology. People treat his portable form as gross despite that letting him experience more of life and the one time people begrudgingly acknowledge he is truly good, they then force him to promise to not repeat the helpful behavior. He is not allowed freedom, expression or to be himself without ridicule, EVEN BY LUZ.

This... However has a bigger problem. Hooty is a bit character after all. If you want to claim he doesn't matter because he's just a joke... There's okay precedent for it. The problem is that then you have to ask what he's mocking. After all, gag characters are all about mocking a certain archtype or the like. King's whole point is to mock children who think themselves as self important and point out how deluded and funny that is, or how funny a deluded sense of self grandeur in general is, at least in the first season. As such... What is Hooty?

Hooty is Sheldon. Not literally but spiritually and this is gonna get kind of rough but here me out. For those who don't get the reference, Sheldon is the main autistic representation in The Big Bang Theory. He is also the most antagonistic force within the friend group. Not because he's evil or anything but because he his own certain ways of doing things and ways he looks at things and as such actually has a lot of episodes about expanding his perception of the world and of others learning to understand who he is and why he is the way he is. The show is actually shockingly respectful in this way, at least most of what I have seen of it, and I can portray this with the best joke I can recall from the series. It also will help me later in why The Big Bang Theory is better than TOH at one certain element people REALLY want to say TOH is great about.

The setup is that the other three main dudes are at a white board, discussing plans to go so see a movie. Every plan they devise runs into a road block because of allergies, time, etc. like that, not even only just because of Sheldon's quirks. However, then the lead, the Ross of the group, stops and goes, "I see it." The others squint and look closer before he adds, "It's the only way." The other two agree... And then they all just leave without Sheldon coming with. Sheldon pauses, looks at the board and goes, "They're correct. It was the only way."

I LOVE this joke... Because it's not mean AT ALL. One might think if they're overly sensitive that it is. I mean, how could they leave their friend behind!? But Sheldon is very honest and up front about his quirks and habits. These guys know him well enough that they know better than to force him out of his comfort zone. That he doesn't function that way. Sheldon KNOWS THIS TOO. As such, when presented with the options of telling Sheldon they can't go because they can't go without him or still having a good night and not making their friend feel bad for being why they couldn't go out, they choose to go out and Sheldon agrees that it was the correct option. They respected him while still living their lives.

And this is because The Big Bang Theory's pitch is not to be offensive to nerds like many online people like to make it out to be (I fucking hate people who call it 'Nerd Black Face') but to just make fun of us like any sitcom would. Sitcoms are parodies of real life. They always exaggerated characters we know are somewhat true. We know a Kramer, we know a Ross, we know a Barney, we know a Lorraine. Are they exactly like this? No, it's cranked up so that it's a comedy, that's the fucking point. But this comedic framing also allows it to be honest about ALL sides of nerd dom.

Sheldon is BY FAR made out to be the most successful, intelligent and wealthiest of ALL the guys. Also, all the guys are doing well in their fields and monetarily. Do they have widespread fame and acclaim? Not really but they're not discredited or anything, they just have interdepartmental bickering. That's accurate from literally every scientist I have seen talk about the subject. It's genuine about the good and the bad of the nerd experience while being entertaining.

So what the fuck does any of this have to do with The Owl House? And especially Hooty? It's actually quite simple. While TOH champions having a nerd protagonist, it presents the 'gentrified nerd'. The convenient nerd. They know about fanfiction but won't force you to actually hear about it. They have interests but not hyperfixations. They don't ever get lost down a rabbit hole because they're passionate about something or just want to tell you a neat fact.

Do you know who does though? Hooty. Hooty just wants someone who is willing to listen about his day. He has some weird quirks to how he behaves and he likes some strange things like bugs. He will talk to you for hours on a subject, randomly and just because he can and might forget that you might have other things to do. To me, those are very, VERY accurate parts of nerd life... And we're supposed to fucking HATE Hooty for these things. Remember the only person, in the ENTIRE SERIES to actually befriend Hooty instead of treating him at best as a convenience is Liltih... At the start of her becoming a joke. The only person who shows him real, genuine compassion... Also becomes 'The Cool Aunt' who hyper fixates on niche architecture and has her trauma of working the EC mocked as just being really bad at her job.

It is, genuinely, kind of gross to me. I've actually talked about this before that the show is so hyperfocused on a very specific, very small set of people for who it approves of, which is essentially whoever fits into Luz correctly, that anyone who felt excluded by the show is extremely valid. And yes, Luz has a montage at the start of silly, over the top and extreme behavior... That doesn't continue. At all. The one time she subjects someone to an Azura rant is to torture Eda enough to go to the Convention and that's only because they were already on the subject because King was interested. She quotes Azura but quickly and doesn't lose the thread. She might say a cute word like 'Snorses' but not even enough to make a break in the conversation.

She is convenient. Gus is only interested in human stuff when it's convenient. Willow will put aside her interest in plants when it's inconvenient. Amity just stops giving a shit about being an intellectual AT ALL post her getting a crush. Hunter wears a wolf t-shirt and gets into Cosmic Frontier enough to cosplay it for Halloween... But only Halloween. These are people who are extremely socially acceptable in every way.

Which... explains why nerds love them actually. See, I think Big Bang Theory does deserve criticism, it is by no means perfect and I would be VERY interested in hearing what the Jewish community thinks of Howard who is easily the most problematic character in the show but not all of the criticism is genuine. I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that we're used to a side, gag character representing the kind worst parts of us... But we're not used to being the focus. We can laugh at all the broke bitches who show up in Sitcoms or the jock failures who are meatheads, etc. like that... But laugh at ourselves? Why would we do that? Why would we allow that? We're better than what this show depicts, even if we're not.

It is inconvenient to the narrative we wish to tell ourselves that we are still the outcasts. That are we not part of the dominant culture and so it is unfair to mock our interests and lifestyle. But like... Marvel movies have been the biggest blockbusters for well over a decade and no one bats a fucking at that. D&D is quickly becoming a household name due to its ever expanding influence. We are not the outcasts anymore. Being into a weird cartoon is not some shocking thing like it was 12 years ago when Bronies first made people aware that this subculture of nerds existed. Times are changing but we still wish to see ourselves as only the victims, even as more and more our spaces show that they are just as evil, corrupt, manipulative and cruel as any athletic superstar or pretty boy actor's club.

A lot of these nerds want to believe they are Luz. Never wrong, never giving anyone a reason to dislike them, and always just passionate about the things they like, never annoying. And you know who those people would mock? Who those people HAVE mocked?

Hooty. Because he's more real. He's the demon they wish they didn't have to face in the mirror. See you next tale.

======+++++======

I really do want to re-emphasize this: FUCK HOWARD. Big Bang is NOT good for the jewish community and I don't think if I watched it nowadays I would be able to tolerate his depiction AT ALL. Also, Raj is also probably all sorts of rough too. I'm ONLY defending the nerd portrayal part of Big Bang.

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[theeeveetamer]

On Loving Thy Neighbor: A long term fan’s perspective

Recent discussion in the tags has gotten me thinking about love, life, and the dynamic of human interaction. And it all brings me back to the same conclusion: fandom, like all things in life, requires a deft touch and an appreciation of nuance.

While it would be easy, even wonderful, if we could all just be kind to each other and have that kindness returned, anyone who has been part of fandom—a part of life in general—knows that it is often not that simple.

Bringing kindness to someone who seeks only to inflict pain on you is not only ineffective, it’s completely masochistic. We understand this when it applies to other areas of life. The solution to queerphobia isn’t “be nicer to the queerphobes” and the solution to sexism isn’t “be nicer to the sexists”. The solution is to tell them to get bent, because they aren’t welcome in the vibrant, beautiful, kind communities we hope to build if they are going to meet us with vitriol and hate. Attempting to placate a queerphobe while building a queer-positive society is like arguing that it’s fine if you just leave just one house in the neighborhood constantly on fire.

Fire does not care about your boundaries. It will spread to the other houses eventually whether you like it or not—whether you intend to let it or not—because that is the nature of fire.

Why, then, do we protect toxic actors in fandom? Why do we wave off a handful of death threats as the same thing as a handful of character or ship opinions? Why do we continue allowing people to wave that kind of behavior off? Why do we think it’s okay to keep the fire?

Simply put, it’s because it takes much less effort to assume "everyone was bad". Figuring out the nuance of a situation is hard; telling everyone to be nicer is easy.

And there the problem lies. There are many situations in which being a little kinder to each other could help. I'm not discounting that. There are also situations where doing so is masochistic and enabling toxicity. Enabled toxicity will never disappear, or quiet. It will only grow. Like fire, there is nothing you can offer it that will stop it from spreading. Pleading with it and offering it sticks to placate it won't stop it from gobbling up your house eventually.

Knowing the difference is where the solution lies. But some people don’t want to do the work to pick apart the nuance of a situation, so they tell you (no matter the context), to just shut up and be nicer. Got death threats against you? Well you said something negative about their favorite character, and you pointing out that they sent you death threats makes them feel bad. See, you both feel bad! So clearly you both must have done something wrong! So maybe you should have just been nicer.

It doesn't matter if your opinions were properly tagged, or if you censored the character's name, or if it was on a blog hidden from searches, or if it was something you sent in a DM one time that got spread around without your knowledge, or if the person who sent you the threats is someone you blocked months ago who shouldn't have been able to see it anyway. You should have anticipated that someone, somewhere in the world, might see it and get mad enough to send you death threats. Take responsibility. Be nicer next time.

If the fire spreads to your house? Well, you shouldn’t have built it so close. You knew the fire was there. It’s your problem. You deal with it.

It rings hollow. “If you were just nicer to your abuser, maybe they wouldn’t have to keep hitting you. Maybe we would all be getting along if you would just shut up about it already.”

No one ever stops to question why the fire is there in the first place, or why people are so desperate to cling to it, or what purpose it could possibly serve when all it ever does is burn down houses.

A harasser, like a fire, is not satisfied with bullying one person, or burning down one house. They will consume everything until nothing is left or they have been put out (sanctioned and excommunicated).

When you claim to take no sides in a situation like this, or you claim both sides are equally bad, you are siding with the toxic actor. You are feeding your fellow fans to the fire in the hopes that you won't be next. You will always be next.

And if there's only a handful of people in your community willing to pick up a bucket and try to fight the fire, while everyone else shrugs and says "just don't build your house too close"? The firefighters will leave, because they know they can't fight it alone, and they know it won't stop, and who wants to live in a house constantly at risk of going up like a tinderbox?

And then, one day, everyone who shrugged and stayed will turn around and wonder why their town is nothing but ashes and cinders. And they will have no one to blame but themselves.

The world only works off of "be kinder" logic if you assume everyone's goal is to get along. The sad truth is, there are always some fires, and their definition of "getting along" includes destruction and pain incompatible with kindness.

I think the only people who truly believe the core of the problem is that everyone "isn't kind enough" are so used to sitting in a burning house that they can no longer smell the smoke.

[beginningobserver]

Something that keeps coming back and forth in my mind is that, since the Advverse has this concept of the digimon representing their human partner's heart (or being their "other-self")... And this can also be applied to Rui and Ukkomon, in my honest opinion.

Especially when it comes to how the human psyche also affect the evolution of a digimon, which is why you get Taichi being reckless and (according to the novel) a prideful idiot resulting in SkullGreymon back in Adventure'99 (and also why Daisuke lacking any strong negative emotion during 02 never forced him to dark-evolve V-mon)

I'm not very good at meta-ing things like these, so please feel free to correct me if I'm missing something out!

To start this meta-post, i'd like to remember a few details from Rui's backstory:

His dad was extremely sick and on a deathbed status;

His mother was basically doing everything to keep everything in control, to keep his dad alive and to raise Rui at the same time, so she was constantly under stress;

Despite her being under stress all the time, she seemed to not understand Rui at all. She would just snap at a 4 year old (!!) when he didn't do things the way she expected him to do. She never had patience to explain stuff, and just wanted Rui to act like a grown up already;

In a very not-so-subtle scene, we see that Rui has a ton of bruises potentially implying she hit him countless times for not "obeying" her orders;

She also claimed that Rui "never kept his promises" and assumed things like "I made burger steaks, your favorite!" without even asking if Rui really liked those.

There's also a few hints that she never heard him at all, which escalated into Rui never being able to voice his own needs, the things he liked and hated, and to just accept anything offered to him without hesitation in order to not get hit by disagreeing;

Also, thanks to that he just seemed to be very obedient and did not even argued with the 02 group when Daisuke dragged him back and told "we're already involved here!" and then had to politely cooperate with them. The only good outcome from this was that he simply learned his own part of the problem and managed to solve it... even if later that year he was being quite paranoid about what happened and got dragged into the Dark Ocean.

You see, Rui had a very... troublesome backstory which contributed to a doomed relationship with Ukkomon and then assuming that everyone with a digimon is his fault and that now everyone was fated to an awful life of their digimon fighting til the death to protect them.

Ukkomon also reflects all of Rui's problems too, he has enough parallels with both Rui and Rui's mom (the latter at least in a scene), and Rui's whole narrative could've been affected by Rui's psyche and making him mix his grief and anger by reaching this part of his backstory again.

The thing is... Rui was basically continuing the abusive parenting he had been suffering before Ukkomon appeared. His whole version of the story tries to frame Ukkomon as the bad guy, someone who stepped in and deceived him this whole time. It's not different from Rui's mom accusing Rui to never keep his promises, and then hitting him for not doing what she asked in the exact way she expected him to do. (ma'am HE'S JUST FOUR YEARS OLD can you chill please!!?)

The 02 kids siding with Ukkomon does not mean they were invalidating Rui's feelings -- something that i saw people be quite uncomfortable with it previously, especially about Hikari's line re: Ukkomon -- none of them put the blame on him or did the same awful things his mom did, they all pointed out the flaws in his judgement and in a respectful way.

But back to Ukkomon... In the movie and Drama CD we realize a few traits he shared with Rui:

He also lacks social skills and talking with others, I suspect he never had contact with other digimon if he's directly linked to a "big entity" as he told Rui (and at the end of the movie this sole information is confirmed because whoever is linked to Ukkomon realized that the digivices were not needed anymore because humans and digimon can form strong bonds without those devices);

He has the tendency to take the blame and run away (Rui had been running away from his own problems as well);

Ukkomon being quite insensitive and lacking awareness of what's morally accepted in the human world is what led Rui to finally show a trait he had in common with his mom: He can be quite violent when triggered.

Yes, I used the right word: Rui gets really triggered when Ukkomon misinterpreted his desire of having friends and "people like me" and then says he wished for all of those. Rui is right there sitting watching a news report of the events from the movie "Revenge of Diablomon", which takes place in March 25-26, 2003 in the timeline.

By saying "It's what you wished for", Ukkomon immediately hit a very awful sore point in Rui, and resulted in their pettiest ugly spat. Note that in this scene, Rui definitely attacks Ukkomon at first, just like his mom would do every time he disobeyed her. But then, he stops and starts trying to break the digivice instead, since he either had no courage to kill Ukkomon, or he was still believing Ukkomon was some sort of "god-tier" like digimon.What i mean is that Rui really had the same destructive and violent behavior his mom had.

And this is also present in Ukkomon's final form.

His final form, BigUkkomon, connects to Rui's anger and sorrowful state (because, BigUkkomon's main attack is swinging its countless, supermassive tentacles, crushing and gouging targets over a vast range -- according to the Bandai/null lore profile.)

Another thing about Ukkomon himself is that the scene of him giving his eye to Rui in order to "fix" a mistake can be read as Ukkomon simply destroying himself (literally!) in order to keep Rui smiling and happy, which there's a few suspicion that Rui being all bubbly and smiling in the very first scene he, Ken and Daisuke witness by themselves in-movie meant that he wasn't exactly happy and just repressing a ton of frustration and sorrowful in order to not make his mom angry, and him never voicing his own needs was his own "self-destructive" manner to trying to keep her "happy" and perhaps not "worried".

But that's my own interpretation ok.

[bloody-wonder]

assuming you've read tsc, what are ur thoughts?

mixed feelings, anon!

on the one hand, tsc is just another confirmation that nora is a talented writer - i think the dialogue especially is where she really excels. the reading experience was overall very fun, i did enjoy seeing my faves again. neil is an icon, obviously. the culture clash between jean and the trojans was Comedy Gold. and it was interesting to see an exploration of a different trauma response than we've seen in aftg in jean.

on the other hand, i feel like jean's story in tsc mirrors neil's story in aftg - a troubled youth joins an exy team where he will make new friends and get better mentally - but is like. a simplified and less compelling version of that. it's good that jean is his own character, i don't need him to be a copy of neil, but i gotta say - neil's cameo appearances totally stole the show and made me wonder why i wasn't reading a book about him instead. however, it's all the other characters who were the real problem - it felt like i'm reading a version of aftg where a less fun iteration of neil joins an exy team consisting just of the upperclassmen and nicky hemmick which uhhh,, if you've read some of my old posts you know how i feel about him so there was no chance in hell i'd like cat alvarez and her whole shtick. the foxes felt good for the soul bc there was a balance between the upperclassmen's and the monsters' type of care for neil - and crucially neil chose the latter group to be his close circle, among other things, bc he felt they could understand him better. by constrast, jean is alone with the trojans who don't give any credibility to his claims that they just can't understand what he went through, don't respect his right to keep his trauma private and just keep trying to force his "recovery". aftg felt like a bunch of freaks with various but equally fascinating issues put in close quarters and you watch them sometimes butt heads, sometimes uplift each other in the most unexpected ways. tsc however felt like a bunch of normies bullying a traumatized kid - so basically one of those obnoxious fics where the upperclassmen are all in neil and andrew's business.

jean's bisexuality was a double-edged sword too: on the one hand, i felt very smug reading about how his attraction works bc 1) it's so obviously different from neil and 2) wow turns out years of psychological, physical and sexual abuse do not in fact take away your sexuality! le gasp! surprised fucking pikachu!! crazy how through all of this jean is still bi. the human spirit is unbreakable. (unless your mom hits you for kissing a girl, then it's breakable). so i did feel vindicated but at the same time this was not relatable to the point that i can't see myself getting invested in jean and jeremy's developing relationship. nothing is more of a turn off for me in fictional romances than when both of them are immediately attracted to each other and let the reader know in no uncertain terms. where are the mind games? where are the intricate rituals? it feels like a lazy shortcut. but good for them, i guess?

sooo idk. i didn't hate tsc by any means but i'm sad i didn't enjoy it as much as my mutuals😭

[blacktoothcomics]

white intellectuals despise being corrected on their isms, but especially their classism and racism. my country is full of comfortably monied wipipo who are CONVINCED that their college education was their lifelong subscription to Good Person quarterly, meanwhile lacking any and all familiarity with any member of a minority group existing outside their comfortable economic bubble.

domestic abuse and parental abuse of children are worse in poverty. hate crimes are worse in poverty. rape culture is worse in poverty. cult indoctrination is worse in poverty. medical neglect and institutionalized abuse are also... oh man u guessed it they're worse in poverty.

i put my arguments down at the feet of people i think could benefit from picking those arguments up and examining them, and this has worked VERY WELL in weeding out the performative dramatics of voluntary sufferers -- those who would see all that information bundled there on the ground and kick it for attacking them.

it's not a finite resource, my argument. my time and attention are limited to my physical existence, sure, but anything i have to lay at the feet of people who are bawling for inclusion and allyship can be found basically anywhere, from any other underserved and traumatized native of poverty.

it's just other impoverished persons are not usually as eloquent as someone who was raised in brutality to the specific goal of marrying up, AND they don't really have the time or energy or access to the infrastructure needed to do circus tricks online in exchange for visible personhood. it's not usual to hold a land bridge between the tax brackets, but those are bridges i have been crossing my entire life, and i tend to assume my experiences could be valuable to both sides to learn from...

and sofar, without fail, it's the comfortably monied who kick my bundled information the furthest into the sea. but it's the impoverished who kick it the quickest, without even reading a single goddamn thing.

what's the masculine version of cassandra complex? aspergers?

whatevs, my slightly more educated rich white family are the absolute pros of neglect and creepsterism, then blaming me for their own ignorance over why they are abusive creeps, when it's like... bruh i am not going to unwrap the info and read it out loud to you, you actually need to use your eyeballs and earballs and grow a set of courageballs before punting away the experiences of the violently defended personhoods about whom you claim to give a shit.

anyway i absolutely used to hit my mom back and i highly recommend any kid or teen learn to do the same no matter their proximity to ASD. teachers, too, i yoosta stab any and all authority figures if they got handsy and the worst attack against workingclass kids safety came in the form of weapon screenings post-columbine.

nobody brought a gun to a knife fight and kids didn't even bring knifes to fistfights, those blades were for spicing up the afterschool church basements with carved testimonials over which youth pastor would try to get you drunk at his house, carved so it couldn't be painted over, usually under a table or in a corner that only a kid in hiding would know where to look.

all this to say i am so glad for the internet, but we do need to keep in mind that ppl online are a privileged minority.

if you're disabled and actually have access to the internet, but not to meatspace people with actual problems? man, just sit down from the social justice shit, you CANNOT verify if anyone online is being genuine -- AND your social justice efforts would go way further if you could just focus on helping one other actual person face to face every day instead of broiling your brains in the "rejection sensitivity arena" that is the internet.

and? sit down from the social justice shit online because it's not good for you. i was raised by and with actual monsters, i saw them making the same self-harm decisions to be and stay forever victims, then to co-opt the victimhoods of others so they could keep that adrenaline punch fresh, riding the endorphin high of the persecution complex at every turn.

nobody likes that ally.

stop it.

[paragonrobits]

There's a mentally tormented man who physically transforms into a personification of a desire to save his mother from the violent death inflcited by his abusive father that he still blames himself for, there are also like three other explainations for why he does this and all of them are mutually exclusive. Sometimes he has a friendship with the nepo baby, and sometimes he bitterly hates the nepo baby for being a success while he had to struggle and scrape his whole life for a third of that success without any of the recognition while the nepo baby assumes they're friends.

Hulk and metatextual jokes aside, I think you put your finger on WHY Spider-Man (or the Fantastic Four) fit so well as characters to use as an initial viewpoint into the Marvel universe? Despite their power, they're otherwise fairly normal people whose abiltiies and personal dramas play well into being resonant while also being sufficiently weird to not hit TOO close to home. Generally its like Spider-Man is for harsher stuff (he's poor, his need to save people costs him job opportunities that keeps him in a perpetual cycle of poverty and guilt) while the Fantastic Four are a more fun kind of gonzo science adventures without ever losing their core issues.

Mister Fantastic blames himself for all of it; the Human Torch is often heavily characterized as having some self-destructive vibes, Invisible Woman is trying to hold it all together with grit and keeping her own problems hidden, and the Thing is... oh my god, the THING. This man, this monster, this self-loathing bundle of anger and grief that tries to help everyone and still hates himself for what he's become, he is a post unto himself. But in the same way, while they are fantastical in nature, most of their problems are pretty easy to translate.

It's not like the X-Men, whose nature as resonant oppression metaphors require some grounding in WHAT mutants are and why they are so irrationally hated, or the Avengers, who are fundamentally a cast of independant heroes hanging out for whatever reason. Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four have much less baggage in their fundamental concept so its easy to start with them and use them as a lead-in to the rest of the Marvel universe.

As an example, Spectacular Spider-Man and Fantastic Four: World's Greatest Heroes (which is a genuinely great show, I actually recommend it a lot) were both headed in this direction. The latter moreso than the former, as it was introducing different heroes throughout its run and supposedly was leading up to the Avengers forming.

Have you heard of Iron Man Armoured Adventures? It has a young Tony Stark in basically the same position as Spider-man in the MCU and features what you'd expect from a high school setting. It has all the regular Iron-man characters but also Dr Doom, an X-men episode and a few others that slip my mind. Plus the opening's fully sick.

I don't think it holds up as well as Earth's mightiest heros but it seemed interesting at the time.

RDJ did the world a disservice by being so damn good at playing Iron Man that it tricked people into thinking the character was interesting enough to be the center of the marvel universe

[olderthannetfic]

Two of the recent asks on your blog just made me realise how fucking EXHAUSTED I am of of all the "boy who cried wolf" and "boy who vaguely heard about a stray dog looking for food in their area and decided it was obviously an invasion of rabid wolves" situations on this website, and in fandom in general.

I hate that my first thought when someone on anon talks about being groomed as a minor by an older person who "let" them interact with their nsfw fanworks, is "let me guess, is this gonna turn into a spiel about how because minors often ignore warnings and can't be trusted not to lie about their age to strangers online, everyone who posts nsfw anywhere but on places you need to be given a password or to pay actual money to access is a pedophile?" Because I've already seen every possible version of "checking out the rating, warnings, and tags and clicking "proceed" when the "this work could contain adult content" thing shows up isn't the same as consenting to see adult content" and I'm fully prepared for the day when we all get hit with "if you're an adult and don't have Minors DNI in all your social media profiles and your fandom accounts you're clearly a predator.""

And I hate that my first thought when someone on anon talks about being uncomfortable with some literature classic and getting told they're just too sensitive or equated with pro-censorship people is, "yeah, well, assuming it really went like that, people ARE gonna be on the lookout for the next big clout-chasing "Mark Twain was a horrible racist bastard for not foreseeing how the English language would evolve and not using words appropriate for a modern audience so having students read Tom Sawyer in school is basically a hate crime" or "there is sexist content in 1984 which means George Orwell was a pretentious hack with nothing of value to say about society or politics" thing, or the next person saying "Emily Bronte was just some idiotic romance-addicted white woman trying to pass a toxic abusive relationship as Twu Wuv" and proclaiming themselves the one lonely enlightened feminist in the land, or the next fic writer "Dante was just some racist homophobic creep who wrote some weird Bible fic so his blatant Self Insert could keep on harassing the girl he was obsessed with even after her death" to prove they're so forward-thinking and original and deserve to be regarded as a BNF defending fandom as a whole against the hordes of evil literature professors supposedly out to destroy it... I mean, this is the website that came up with "don't use a quote about Orestes and Pylades for your OTP because that's an incest" and "gay men shouldn't call themselves Achillean because Achilles and Patroclus might have had a pederastic relationship" yet worship Sappho as this relatable quirky wlw icon without giving a single fuck about the fact that she might be the one surviving example we have of institutionalized female pederasty, and I'd trust it to fall for a whole new MedievalPOC scam before I'd trust it to give a nuanced take on any kind of literary work, ESPECIALLY any literary work older than the early 2000s."

Sometimes I just feel the wolf could be right there howling at my door and I'd probably just say "ugh, great, those stupid kids got into my brain enough that now I can't even go about my day without imagining that there's a fucking wolf howling for no reason" and not even check out of the window. Or I'd check and still assume the wolf is just a big dog even then.

--

It's a genuine problem. Because there are still predators out there.

[marvel-sluts]

please don't go.

request: Can I request prompts 3. Please don't go & 16. Enemies to lovers with Tom Holland? 😊 - @palna (sorry it won't let me tag you)

prompt list

pairing: Tom Holland x reader

warnings: swearing, emotional abuse, angst, fluff

summary: you worked with Tom on set and ever since the first day he hated you. one day he overhears a phone call between you and your Dad, making him feel horrible for how he treated you.

a/n: im planning on making a masterlist soon so look out for it! anyway, enjoy lovlies!

***********

you opened the door to your apartment after a hard day at work. flopping onto the sofa and turning on the TV, not really paying attention to the six o'clock news.

that bloody Holland kid thinks he has the right to make your life a living hell. from the moment you met him he hated you.

you walk into the room flashing a smile to the people in there. you had been chosen to play a part in the new spider man movie. having quite a few successful movies under your belt you were well known.

you went round shaking hands with people, each one of them greeting you with a small smile and a hello. that was until you reached a certain individual.

"hi, I'm y/n" you say holding out you hand.

he looked you up and down with a grimace and looked at your outstretched hand, taking it in his and shaking it roughly.

"Holland, Tom Holland."

the buzz of you phone wakes you from your trance and you looked down to see your best friends name flash on the screen.

you quickly answer the phone and her voice can be heard throughout the room.

"sorry to bother you like this y/n but can we go out tonight? I had a shit day at work and need someone to take my mind off of it." she said.

"you read my mind, where do you want to go?" you ask, relieved to have an excuse to leave the house.

"how about the bar down the road from your house?" she said.

"sure, let me get changed out of my clothes first."

"okay I will be at your house in half an hour." she said hanging up the phone.

you run up the stairs and put on a black skirt and a pink shirt, touching up your makeup from filming and pulling on a pair of boots.

a few minutes later b/f/n (best friends name) rings the doorbell of your apartment and you go to greet her.

you reached the bar and grabbed one of the only remaining tables.

"so, what made your day so shitty?" you asked taking a sip of your gin.

"just my dickhead of a manager. he has given me about 5 projects and is expecting them all done by next week." she sighs rolling her eyes at you.

you snort into your drink "like your gonna get all of that done in such a short amount of time." you say.

"I know right. anyway whats going on with you?" she asked, knowing something was up. "is it that Holland guy again? I swear to god I will punch his nose in if he's done anything to you." she said, knowing how much he bothers you.

"there is nothing that you can do. he just gets on my nerves. I don't know what his deal is with me." you say.

"what does he do?"

"glares at me alot, won't speak to me unless its to criticise what I'm doing and just overall makes my life miserable." you say with a sigh.

"and you dad...?" b/f/n asked.

"same as usual, he still hates me and continues to tell me how much of a failure I am." you say rolling your eyes. your dad was a dick, you and him had never gotten on.

"I know, you just have to ignore him. he just doesn't see how amazing you are." she said smiling at you.

"I guess..."

after a few hours of talking and forgetting your problems. b/f/n drove you home.

after getting undressed you collapsed on your bed, exhausted. falling asleep within seconds.

******

you woke up with a start and checked your phone. shit. you had slept through your alarm and you were going to be late for filming.

quickly pulling on clothes and fixing your hair and makeup you ran to your car and got to set only 15 minutes late.

"oh here she is, finally decided to show up did you?" came a chastising voice.

you sighed, knowing immediately who it was, choosing to ignore the comment you walked to your trailer.

the hair and makeup team quickly got to work on you, making you look amazing within minutes.

after throwing a quick thanks over your shoulder, you rushed to set and got told what scene they were filming and where to stand.

half an hour later you heard a "and cut, great job guys. go and get read for the next scene."

you quickly checked your script and realised that you were needed for the next scene, opting to go to your trailer and wait to be called.

suddenly your phone rang, making you jump. you picked it up before checking who it was, assuming it was b/f/n.

"oh you've finally decided to stop ignoring my calls have you?"

shit, it was your Dad. "hey dad, and for the record I wasn't ignoring them. I was working."

"yeah, what job again? that acting thing of yours? how many times y/n, thats not a job."

"okay" you whispered quietly, just wanting this to be over.

"your such a worthless bitch you know that? even your Mum thought that before she died. it was probably you who killed her. admit it y/n. you killed her." he said, trying to press your buttons.

"how many times Dad, the doctors said that she died of a heart attack. it wasn't me." you say.

"pfft, your just covering for yourself. how about you buy me a new house to make up for it?"

"Dad, I just bought you a new house, and a new car. surely you can't need anything bigger." you say, knowing he is just using you but feeling guilty for saying no nevertheless.

"well I want new house, maybe somewhere by the sea. or some big mansion." he said.

"but Dad i was planning on giving some of that money to charity and the rest was going to s/n (siblings name) school fund. so that they can go to a good school."

"fuck s/n, I want a new house. and if you don't then you really would be as fucking annoying as your mother. your no good for anything." he said, hanging up the phone.

a tear trickled down your face. you should have known all he wanted was a new house, new car. why not get a new fucking kid while he's at it. you bought him a new car last month and a new house the month before that, surely he doesn't need another one.

a knock was heard on the door of the trailer that you had accidentally left open. you spun around to see Tom, worry etched across his face. he walked into your trailer.

"hey y/n, are you okay?" he asked, putting a hand on your arm.

"get off of me" you say, shrugging him off. "why would you care anyway, you've had this grudge against me ever since I started here."

Tom's face fell. "I'm sorry y/n I didnt mean to treat you like that."

"then what did you mean to treat me like because it was pretty damn obvious that you hated me. everyone saw it." you said.

"it wasn't you." he said looking down shamefully.

"look if this is about what you overheard with my Dad, don't worry about it. don't tell anyone and continue treating me like shit." you say, turning away from him again.

"no y/n what I overheard made me feel really guilty for treating you how I did. what I did was wrong and it wasn't your fault for how I treated you." he said, grabbing you and forcing you to look at him.

"then why did you do that to me?" you asked, confused.

"just before we started filming me and my girlfriend had broken up, she was toxic and would hit me and scream at me." he said, tears clouding his vision. "the day we started filming was the day I ended it with her, so I wasn't in the best mood. but when you walked in I could of sworn it was her. your hair and eyes are similar but your face is completely different."

"so from a distance I looked like her?" you asked, beginning to put the peices together in your head.

"yes. you had such a kind personality, always caring about others and everyone else loved you. but I couldn't get it out of my head. I guess that's why I treated you so badly, because you looked so much like her."

"Tom you could have just said something, I would have understood." you say, looking at him.

"I know I'm sorry." he said. "how are you, what happened with your Dad?" he asked.

"he keeps asking for new stuff, I just bought him a new house but he wants another one, and he wants a new car when he has the newest model. but at the same time he's always telling me how worthless and stupid I am, and how this acting thing isn't a proper job." you say, "maybe I'm just being selfish."

"no y/n, your not being selfish. I heard what you wanted to put that money towards instead of buying him stuff that he doesn't need. a selfish person wouldn't give to charity and help with paying for s/n schooling."

"are you sure?" you asked, doubt seeping in.

"very sure." he said, "is there anything you need, I could say that you are ill or something, give you some time to think over what happened with your Dad?"

"no I'm okay." you say.

"how about you come round to mine after work, we could talk everything out."

"yeah okay, I'd like that."

******

after filming was over, you drove over to Tom's apartment. he answered the door quickly and let you in.

you sat down on his sofa and admired the little things he had "borrowed" from the sets of different movies.

"do you want a drink?" he called from the kitchen.

"can I have a f/d (favourite drink) please?" you call back.

"sure."

he came back in with your drink and a coke for him.

"look about what happened today with my Dad, I never meant for you to overhear that and I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone." you say, looking down at your drink.

"your secrets safe with me, and if you don't mind me saying. your Dad is a bit of a dick." he said, smiling kindly at you.

"tell me about it." you laughed. "he's been like that ever since I can remember, he's always favoured my siblings over me." you say bitterly.

"well don't tell them but I prefer you." Tom said, trying to cheer you up a bit. "and I'm glad I overheard that conversation, because it made me think about I had treated you. and I'm starting to think that there was maybe another reason I didn't like you." he said sheepishly.

"and whats that?" you ask.

"I kind of liked you. I still do. after what happened with my last relationship I was scared I guess but I don't want to fuck anything up. I really like you y/n, I never meant to treat you like I did but I was pushing you away so that I didn't fall further than I already have." he said, blushing furiously.

"well Tom, maybe I like you too. thats why it hurt so much when you were horrible to me." you say. "do you just like me because I look like her?"

"no no no, that's not it at all. I like you because you have this sort of aura around you, people love you and your so nice to people." he said. "I like you because of your personality, the fact that you look slightly like a toxic ex has nothing to do with it." he added as an afterthought.

"aura?" you asked, furrowing your eyebrows in confusion.

"yeah, people sort of want to protect the innocence you radiate. your aura makes everyone love you and it's how your smile brightens up a room and how you look when the sunlight hits your features." he said, gently placing his hand on your cheek, forcing you to look up at him.

"I'm sorry for how I treated you, and it's my fault, but maybe we can start again?" he asked.

"okay." you say smiling up at him. before pulling away from his hand and sticking out your own. "y/n y/l/n, nice to meet you." you say.

"Tom Holland, pleasure." he said shaking your hand.

you turned around as the shrill sound of your phone broke the brief silence, checking the called ID this time you saw Dad appear on the screen. you look over at Tom in fear, showing him the screen.

"answer him y/n, maybe he wants to apologise. and I'll be right here with you" Tom said, flashing you a reassuring smile.

"okay" you said picking up the phone and putting it on speaker so that Tom could hear better. motioning to him to be quiet, him nodding in response.

"hi Dad." the fear in your voice evident.

"how's the new house you were going to buy me coming along? don't forget I want a big one." he said.

"actually Dad, I've thought about it and I just bought you a new car and house. the money is going towards s/n schooling and charity. I don’t think that you need anything else." you say, smiling weakly at Tom who gave you a thumbs up. egging you on.

"I don't care what you think, I'm your parent and you should listen to me. you are such a selfish bitch I don't even know why I bothered with you." he spat down the phone. "you are just a waste of space and I don't know how you made all of this money, who would ever want to employ you?"

"Dad you're not guilt tripping me into buying anything for you like you did last time. I'm not doing it." you say, tears beginning to cloud your vision. Tom noticed this and put his hand on your leg gently. in order to calm you down.

"you're such a fucking bitch. I never want to see or hear you again." he spat, hanging up.

as soon as he had hung up the phone, tears started falling down your face. Tom reached up and wiped away some of your tears before pulling you into his chest.

"hey hey hey, it's okay calm down." he said kissing your forehead and pulling you back into his arms.

"he hates me and its all my fault." you choke out before collapsing into tears again.

"its not your fault, your Dad is just being selfish and is only using you for your money. don't listen to him." he said, stroking your hair to comfort you.

"do you want me to go and get you something? ice cream maybe?" Tom asked.

"no, please don't go. I need you." you say.

"okay, I'm right here love. don't worry I'm not going anywhere." he said.

eventually you fell asleep, with his arms around you and your head on his chest. before Tom drifted off he kissed your temple and whispered "I'm so sorry y/n, I love you."

[twstheadcanons]

This is a lore question and a slightly specific one. Cater as a character and otherwise is super interesting to me but at the same time insanely confusing. While at first I thought he would end up having maybe slightly abusive family there's a possibility that's not the case. His sister's seem to enjoy dolling him up and his mother seems to go along with it and his father's a bit more absent. I think I would mainly like to know what his true self is truly reflecting and also if Trey seems to know about this 'true version'. Don't feel pressured to anwser this if you can't btw ❣️

Cater fans come get yall’s food.

S, iideally I’d go through events Cater’s prominent in (Beans Day, Halloween), but that would just make this whole post longer.  So I’ll be using Cater’s card stories for now.  What we know about Cater, on the surface level, is that he comes across as happy-go-lucky, energetic, social, trendy, superficial, flaky, and insensitive at times.  But that’s Cater on a surface level.

So for Cater, his major issues from his background are:

his family frequently moving to accommodate his father’s occupation as a banker

his sisters dragging him into their own interests that he was expected to accommodate as well

Cater repeatedly states he disliked getting dragged around by his sisters and having cutesy stuff he wasn’t genuinely interested in shoved into his face.  This would even happen on his birthday, where his sisters got him things they’re more likely to enjoy, which made Cater feel frustrated since he was supposed to be the focus on his own birthday.  But despite that annoyance, Cater understands his sisters didn’t really mean any harm.  From the sounds of it, they liked hanging out with Cater, and assumed that Cater enjoyed how they spent time together as well since Cater preferred to go with the flow, rather than rock the boat.  

In his Bday SSR, Cater mentions that his sisters became more considerate of his own interests and asked him what he wanted.  All three coming from a family where they move and lose close friends a lot, the sisters are probably close and want to stay close to their brother as well, since they’re the only consistent company in a similar age range.  His sisters are each other’s best friends, Cater didn’t have that growing up.  He also mentions his sisters and mother’s sweets-making kick, and how he eventually got over having sweets every day.  But when he protested, it’d disappoint and sadden them/they’d have dejected looks on their faces, which Cater didn’t know how to handle, so he made himself go along with their whims to keep them happy.  

This pours into his social media life, where he’s a peppy, cheery guy that posts upbeat content and responds with light, casual, carefree messages to people.  His Lab SR literally has him state that he ‘should always be happy and excited, after all’.  So, clearly, whatever dynamic the Diamond family has, while not what I’d call something as heavy as abuse, isn’t considerate of Cater’s feelings and views Cater’s ‘go with the flow’ ways as approval.  If he ‘breaks character’ of the devil-may-care person he is on the surface, it raises questions, and Cater would rather just avoid all that and enjoy himself instead of getting involved in anything heavy.

Again, Cater doesn’t like to rock the boat.  He also mentions in his Lab SR that this obsession with cutesy stuff became rather invasive, and he’d even be criticised or second-guessed if he didn’t go along with the idea.  Cater ends up accommodating that interest to prevent any debate, even if he didn’t actually care for them.  That said, with such an emphasis on aesthetics being the way he grew up, Cater has a good understanding and practical knowledge of decour and eye-catching designs, which makes him helpful and invaluable when the time calls for decour.  This is something Cater knows he’s good at, and enjoys showing off since the focus is on himself and he’s acknowledged for his skills.

With their family moving all the time, Caters gained and lost friends a lot.  Cater has an outgoing personality, at this point, it’s safe to assume he’s an extrovert, so making friends comes naturally to him.  But when you’re moving a lot, maybe sometimes in the middle of a school term, .  Cater needs engagement and social interaction, but at this point in his life, he’s tired of trying to keep up with old and new friends on deep levels, hence his interest and obsession with social media.

One thing to note about Cater: he likes cutting corners.  a lot.

In his R card “Portrait of Rosalia”, it’s understood that Cater being nice to Rosalia by throwing her a party with some lively students around is a way for him to get on her good side, because Rosalia overhears the teachers’ discussions of tests and future lessons so that he wouldn’t have to study for an upcoming history test: while Cater’s idea of a party to lift Rosalia’s spirits is in good nature, he wants something out of it that benefits him.  But while disappointed the plan didn’t work, he’s quick to brush it off, and Rosalia’s anger, by mentioning that she’s cuter when uptight anyway.

In his PE card “This betrayer!” Cater only have five laps left to do in PE.  But he hates how sweaty he is and how tedious the overall task is.  So he uses his UM to try and avoid doing all five laps himself.  Riddle catches him red-handed, and Cater tries - albeit I’m sure he knows it’s a lost cause - to flatter Riddle at the last minute.  Trey’s also involved, and despite leaving Cater in the dust, Trey also returns with Riddle, because Trey knows that Cater’s the type that tries to cut corners whenever possible, something against the rules in Heartslabyul.  Honestly, as far as Trey goes, Trey’s someone used to the way Riddle holds himself back.  Cater’s exterior personality wouldn’t be hard for Trey to recognise as Cater pushing himself or exaggerating points of his personality just to keep up an image. especially after being in the same dorm for three years.

In short, while he isn’t malicious about majority of the time, Cater will use others to get out situations and tasks he wants no part of.  This is a huge thing reflected in his UM, as it allows Cater to be in more than one place, so that he personally doesn’t have to be involved.  Growing up with two pushy older sisters, it makes he develops a UM that complements a need for escape when pure wit won’t work.  And despite being someone with a superficial interest in trends, that experience accumulates in him understanding the basics about social media and how it affects others, himself included, since it became the only way he could stay in contact with acquaintances and ‘friends’ from previous years. 

 Cater has a good understanding of how people, in general, work, especially those in his agegroup, which makes him rather crafty when he wants to string others along and get out of a situation.  This doesn’t make Cater a mean or conniving person, and in fact, he’s generally amicable and social.  Cater lives by a pretty ‘live in the moment’ credo.  He enjoys having fun and not getting overly serious about issues when he can help it.  There are instances where he doesn’t care about the situation he’s in, or thinks it’s lame/boring, but he tries to make the most of it as something to post about on MagiCam later to engage in low-effort social interaction for a mental break. 

Cater pretty much states this in his Halloween SSR:

“If I left there, they remained there. That’s why I’d rather have a casual and happy time with everyone instead of going steady. It’s like a circus troupe, you know, having fun hanging with people all over the world and then leaving. And that’s why MagiCam is the best. I suddenly got messages from acquaintances from the school I went to 3 years ago. Aren’t my casual and light relationships multiplying? It’s lovely! “

Social media helps him keep in contact with people on a low-effort level, so the risk of moving doesn’t damage his relationships online like it would physical friendships.  As for family, Cater’s feelings towards his family are difficult, tricky ones he has problems with.  He certainly doesn’t hate them, but their lifestyle, the moving and pushy personalities, don’t mesh well with Cater’s personality overall.  When Lilia tries to relate to Cater’s experiences of fleeting relationships, Cater can’t help but dismiss Lilia’s empathy as surface-level, since, to CATER’S knowledge (it’s not like he knows Lilia’s old as shit), Lilia’s always lived in the VoT with his own family and friends, which hits a sore spot with Cater:

““Cater: ….Family…huh.

Flashback Lilia: I feel like I understand you. But it is just as Cater says, it might be the truth that you should not attach yourself too much to one person in particular.

Flashback ends Cater: (That was full of lies. For a guy who grew up in the same place and never had to deal with rebuilding relations over and over… He wouldn’t understand my worthless and meaningless feelings.)

/Notification

Cater: Hello, Trey. What’s up? Huh? Are we doing our rehearsal for our night show at the stamp rally now? And is Deuce from my committee lacking in hands, so Ace is helping him out? Darn, Ace is definitely going to use this to ask me for a favor later!

Cater: Argh! And is Riddle on the verge of a rampage? I’ll be back soon, Trey, please calm him! It was such a pain getting involved in the biggest crisis of this Halloween week! No, for real! I’m not lying. That’s why you don’t have to say such cold things to me, kay? URGH, TREY, YOU’RE SO CRUEL!!

Cater: Now that Diasomnia’s turmoil has settled, it’s time to change the mood. No matter how you slice it, we’ll still separate if we become 4th years… It would be different if I repeated a year though. Anyway, I should just enjoy the memories I’m making “now”! I’ll surprise everyone with this charming skeleton costume! I’ll show them my serious side!”

Cater calls his own feelings ‘worthless and meaningless’, which likely ties into how he got dragged into his mother and sisters’ own interests over his own, and sometimes even criticised if he didn’t go with their flow.  He also expects the friendships he’s made in NRC (as we see with him talking to Trey about the rest of the Heartslabyul cast), to inevitably disappear after he and Trey are fourth years with their own internships and lives to live.  Because to Cater, the future of his life and relationships appear disruptive and inconsistent, so instead of fretting about them, he wants to live in the moment and enjoy what he’s doing at all times, hence why he cuts corners to make things easier on himself.  This is why he can come across as superficial and easy to get along with, because he doesn’t want to fret over the details.

unrelated but we’re team ‘former dorm leader cater’ here because him doing it because it sounds cool and fun fits perfectly with his personality

[wroteclassicaly]

12 & 43 from the angst prompts with mr. andy pandy 😈🥳

Thank ya, thank ya, my lovely! ^_^ ❤️ I’m combining these two, so I hope you like it? Hehe!

Andy is a MAJOR asshole in this one! Idk, but that gets me going like nothing else, lol!

~*~

12. “You really were the worst thing to ever happen to me. I mean that.”

43. “You’re not someone I’ve ever understood, but I never thought I’d hate you as much as I do at this moment.”

You’d be a fucking liar with the most humerous poker face if you tried to play coy in knowing what led to your current predicament. It’s clear now that you are grasped in his sharp hooks, never to be freed to the world again. Andy Dolan fucks up his own life, so what does he do? He messes your chances up too.

“Misery loves company, baby, so I think you should get used to this.” He’d smirked, rough thumb pad stroking your wet cheek.

That was a mere seventy-two hours ago. He broke you down and convinced you that the only future you need is with him, that he won’t make it easy for you to have anything else. You’d called him a textbook definition abuser and he’d snorted, before literally snorting a fucking line.

“Nah, my lover. I’m a user. Learn the damn difference or get out. Not that you have many opportunities left.” He was hazily staring at you, getting off on his own drug induced joke.

When you’d agreed to have your potential employers come and have a meeting in Andy’s living room to look over your scripts, Andy promised he was going to be on his best behavior. And you believed him, using that newfound trust. But about halfway through your meeting hearing your boyfriend scream at his staff in the kitchen, you knew that things were going to be obliterated. Seconds later, all hell had broke loose. That and the dishes in the kitchen sink.

You’re sat here now, in the very same spot that you were earlier when Andy stumbled into the living room and began scattering your papers with a delighted sneer.

“S’ all bullshit, you know? Writers are pretentious little cunts. And this one here?” He tossed an arm around your shoulder, whisky smeared breath pouring over your flushed and humiliated face. “She is a ripe cunt if I’ve ever seen one...”

The hot tears couldn’t be stopped. Even the memory is horrifying to think back on.

“She’s okay to be right here with me. Where she belongs. I earn enough to keep her comfortable. And by the way, I am the man who pays for this house, so...” He had broken off his own dizzy sentence, Cheshire grinning himself into a stupor at your lost colleagues.

Despite your many pleas and apologies, they’d left minutes later. You remember that nasty, weighted feeling, like wet clothes clinging to your skin. You shift in discomfort, Andy’s voice still clear as day.

“You really were the worst thing to ever happen to me. I mean that.”

His pupils were dilated, that blue color abandoned at the stormy seas inside of him. He giggled, outright fucking giggled, leaving the room without an elaboration.

It’s quiet this morning, a light rain pattering the windows everytime the wind picks up. You stare a hole through your scattered works, heart having been torn out and stomped on. Andy openly mocked your vulnerabilities, your passion. And the fact that he’s probably going to assume things are okay, you’re more unsettled than you can stomach.

“Fuck me, what time is it, babe?” You hear his sleep-kissed voice coming from the kitchen as he enters into the living room.

He’s wearing a periwinkle blue robe that’s open, hair going in all different directions, his boxers tight against his freckled flesh. He rubs a hand across his face, then combs over his stubble. You don’t let him get near you, holding a palm up.

“Come near me and I will break every fucking thing in this place. Do you understand me, Andy?”

He looks momentarily confused, then spots your zoned vision. He gives a halfway grin, plopping down on the sofa beside you and picking up your shared pack of discarded smokes. He lights one and stares at you with an enriching inspection.

“I was fucked, baby. What can I say?” He crosses one leg over the other, muscles visible. He grips the outline of his thick cock to adjust.

“That you broke a promise? That you made an ass of yourself and ruined any chance that I had with my writing?” You snap back, standing to move in front of him, demanding to be heard.

Andy sighs, running a hand through his messy hair before raising to meet you, towering. He grips your waist and pulls you close, warm and messy. He lets his other arm rest out, cigarette filter pinched between his fingers. He’s nonchalant in the depth of his scorching whisper. “Maybe I can make it up to you?”

You feel as if you’ve been slapped. Stabbed even. Your gut is twisting so painfully that you can’t feel anything but the depressed anger.

“You’re a piece of shit, Andy Dolan! I can see why everyone leaves you...” You whisper the last part, woven tears coating your lips.

You shouldn’t have said it, despite his cruelty, but you do. Andy grips your forearm and spins you around, his own orbs wide and pained. It takes seconds before he reverts to his carnal state of being vile and mean. His mouth is hovering over yours, panting and strengthening. “The only future you’ll have is being stuffed by my cock. I told you that you can leave if you think you belong anywhere else. See how far you fucking get!”

He gives one last lingering pointed stare to your scripts and hits his cigarette a last time, putting the cherry out and scrubbing the butt down the finely printed paper. You’re not hiding your choking sobs or your heaving breaths, or your next choice of words.

“You’re not someone I’ve ever understood, but I never thought I’d hate you as much as I do at this moment.”

Andy tries to remain unbothered, but you know better. You continue on, wanting to hurt him the way that he’s hurting you. And you know that the only way you can do that is by leaving him alone.

“The problem is, I know the difference. And you know what, Andy? I’m out.” You don’t clarify yourself any further for him.

He tries to move towards you, cursing you and your name, his throat getting more strained and wet. You know he’s crying, which is why you force yourself to keep going, leaving him to figure out his own uncertain future. You’re not sure what yours will hold...

Angst Prompts

Andy babes tag list : @dark-mei-rose @sojournmichael @lovelylangdonx @fckinsupreme @littledemondani @9layerdevilfoodcake @plymptxn-reborn @jimmason @instinctsxbaby @ferndolan @infernwetrust @xavier-plymptons @xavierplympton @ritualmichael @codyfernuk @icylangdon @bloodcoatedeclipse @celestialrequiem @langdxn

[binxyu]

When people spoke of love, you grimaced inside. You had never felt truly loved before and the only person you had ever wanted couldn’t have you. Love? It can be deadly. It can be staggering. It can be the end.

>>Pairing: Hwang Hyunjin x reader | best friend!hyunjin x heartbroken!reader

>>Word Count: 2.8k

>>Genre: Oneshot / Requested / Angst

>>Warnings: Mentions of murder, s*icide, mental illness, self harm, mental and physical abuse, and death

Hyunjin had always been suspicious of your boyfriend. It was natural for him to be protective but something had always been off about him. Maybe it was the way your boyfriend always had his arm around you when he was around or that bruises showed up on your skin when you spent time with him.

Whatever the reason was, Hyunjin didn’t trust him and he couldn’t help but worry about your safety and happiness. When you two were alone, you always seemed so happy and excited to see him. But, whenever you met up with him or your other friends when your boyfriend was with you, you seemed tired and depressed.

Of course, Hyunjin could’ve been overthinking, but he had known you for so long that he knew when you seemed off. You were the only reason Hyunjin was even still alive and you lit up his world. Seeing you constantly depressed, unmotivated, and in pain was so different. Hyunjin hated that different.

“Y/n, you feeling okay?”, Hyunjin asked now that you and him were finally alone. He had noticed as soon as he saw you that your cheek was bright red and there were small bruises spread across your wrist and arm. You had tried to hide them with your long sleeve, but Hyunjin still noticed.

“Oh, yeah I’m fine!”, you smiled softly, a smile that would usually make Hyunjin smile too but he knew this one was fake. It was forced and that was obvious. He knew because he also used that fake smile a lot. The only time he didn’t was when he was with you.

“Okay... let’s go get you those new clothes then”, Hyunjin smiled back, deciding not to continue talking about it. He wanted you to at least be happy with him for a little bit, so he held your hand and walked with you towards the nearest clothing store.

“Hyunjin! What about these?”, you held up a pair of shorts and the man smiled at you, thinking you’d look cute in them. He said you should try them on and he’ll get them for you, but you remembered the dark bruises and scars all over your thighs and realized you could never wear shorts again. You held back your tears and shook your head.

“It’s getting cold out! I better get jeans instead”, you smiled at him and Hyunjin’s eyebrows furrowed. It was warm outside recently and spring was coming soon, but he didn’t comment on it. If there was a problem then he assumed you would tell him like you always did.

Help me. Please

That’s what you wish you could tell him, but you knew your life would be in more danger than it already was. Hyunjin’s life would be too. He didn’t know enough about your abusive boyfriend to keep himself safe.

He didn’t know that your boyfriend hit you, slapped you, and tried to kill you. He didn’t know that he was a criminal and would kill you if you tried to leave him or tell anyone. The less Hyunjin knew, the safer he was. You knew that.

“Okay, let’s get jeans instead”, Hyunjin nodded and you were thankful he didn’t ask questions. You went through more stores and Hyunjin spoiled you, trying to make you feel safe and happy for a few hours. He also had noticed that your clothes recently had been ripped and dirty, so he wanted to get you new ones.

“Thank you”, you actually let out a genuine smile as you watched Hyunjin carry all the bags of clothes he bought you. You tried to tell him to stop and let you buy them even though you knew you couldn’t afford them. Hyunjin still bought them anyways and you were beyond thankful.

“Your welcome”, he put his arm around your shoulder and kissed your head like he always did. You felt your heart beat a little faster and you mentally scolded yourself.

Calm down. If you love him then he will be gone.

That thought always appeared in your head whenever you were with Hyunjin. You loved him more than anything, but you couldn’t accept that. You couldn’t act on that. He would be dead if you did.

Or I will be.

You knew that about Hyunjin’s scars and depression. You were the only reason he lived and you knew that. You saved him and without you there would be no Hyunjin.

If I die then so does he.

That is why you put up with your boyfriend and faked a smile. Your love for Hyunjin kept you alive. It kept you fighting.

Fighting for another day. Fighting against your thoughts that told you to end your pain and leave. Fighting against everything against you.

Just to see the man beside you smile. Smile just another day.

“Let me at least buy you some hot chocolate”, you begged and Hyunjin pouted, but he eventually agreed and you let out a sigh of relief as you two walked to a café together.

“You know me too well”, he chuckled and you rested your head on his shoulder happily.

The worst thing of it all, Hwang Hyunjin, is I still want you.

I want to love you, kiss you, and protect you, but I can’t.

“Here you go!”, you handed Hyunjin his hot chocolate and he sipped on it, letting out a hum from the sweet taste. You loved his reaction to sweets. It was always so cute and that’s why you just needed to get him hot chocolate. You always wanted to see that reaction each time you met just in case you never saw it again.

“You really are my best friend. Thank you”, Hyunjin patted your head and watched as you drank some of your hot chocolate. He laughed when there was a little whipped cream left on your upper lip.

“You have got to be doing this on purpose. It happens each time”, the truth was you definitely did it on purpose. Every touch from Hyunjin was precious now. It was the only touch you didn’t flinch from. The feeling of just his thumb rubbing the whipped cream off your lips was precious now.

“Maybe~”, you joked and giggled, holding Hyunjin’s hand again as you two walked out of the café. You two happily sipped on your hot chocolates as you walked. You knew your boyfriend was coming to pick you up soon and you should probably let go of Hyunjin’s hand, but you just couldn’t. You couldn’t bring yourself to let go of your light because if you did then he might just flicker out.

“I knew it”, Hyunjin said after a little bit of walking in comfortable silence. You raised an eyebrow at him and turned your head to look at him.

“Knew what?”, you asked and Hyunjin looked into your eyes, noticing how they had tear stains around them. You looked down and saw that he had lifted your sleeve up all the way. You didn’t even notice since you were so deep in thought.

“He’s hurting you, isn’t he?”, Hyunjin took a deep breath as he looked at the deep cuts on your arms and bruises. You shook your head immediately.

“No no! I just got them when I fell the other day”, you lied straight through your teeth. Well, for the most part. You did get them from falling, but that fall was not an accident. Not by far.

“Y/n... the truth”, you still refused to tell him the truth even though you could tell he knew. He knew everything. He had.

“I promise it’s the truth”, you lied again and Hyunjin sighed. He rubbed his finger over one of the cuts and then lifted your arm to kiss it.

“Just... never hurt yourself by staying with someone like that. Never”, his heart hurt as he felt your pulse on your wrist speed up. You hadn’t been loved in so long and he knew it. You were hurting and he had no idea why you wouldn’t just tell him the truth.

“Goodbye Hyunjin...”, you whispered and sighed before you took his arm out of his grip and shoved your hands into your pockets as you walked towards where your boyfriend was parked. He had seen it all. You knew he did.

“You’re an idiot, you know?”, your boyfriend chuckled and shook his head in disbelief once you were inside the car.

“I told him I fell. Don’t worry about it”, you sighed and realized you made a mistake when your boyfriend gripped your jaw harshly and turned your head towards him.

“Did you just tell me to do something?”, you whimpered when he slapped you across the same cheek he had this morning. You knew it was definitely more than red now and likely bruised.

“I-I’m sorry. It won’t happen again”, you felt a tear go down your cheek and your boyfriend wiped it away with his thumb.

“Then stop crying like a pathetic bitch. Damn... I should’ve killed you when I said I was going to”, he shook his head and started the car, pulling out of the parking spot and starting to drive towards his apartment.

You just held your bruised cheek and covered your mouth with your free hand, tears going down your cheeks as you tried to see Hyunjin. He was looking away from the car on his phone and you looked down to see your phone had a notification.

Tell me. Tell me you need help.

You read the message and kept quiet, wiping your tears away and trying to think of what to say. You just messaged him that you were fine and put your phone up. Eventually, you hoped, he would drop it and accept your lies as truth.

“Clean up the house and then I’ll give you your phone for an hour”, your boyfriend instructed once you got back to his apartment and you nodded, quickly getting to work on cleaning. Your boyfriend went through your phone as you did and you were thankful you had deleted Hyunjin’s message before he took it.

“You do realize he likes you, right?”, your boyfriend asked as you folded his laundry. You looked at him briefly before you continued working.

“Who?”, you asked back, not even caring in the slightest since you would never be able to love anyone else again.

“Hyunjin. It is quite obvious”, he answered back and you stopped what you were doing, accidentally dropping one of the shirts in the wrong basket and you quickly picked it up and fixed it.

“How?”, you looked at him and he chuckled, walking over to you and gripping your jaw.

“I was kidding. No one could love you. You are obviously too desperate”, you should’ve seen that coming, but, somehow, his words made you think about it.

Does Hyunjin love me? Like I love him?

You pushed the thoughts out of your head once your boyfriend let go of your jaw and went back to lay on the bed. You let out a quiet sigh and continued cleaning.

Once you were done, you finally got your phone back and a moment alone. You did what you always did and facetimed Hyunjin. Just the sight of his face was enough to make the soreness in your body worth it.

“Y/n!”, he exclaimed, obviously excited to see you for some reason. You giggled and waved your hand at him as you laid on your bed.

“Hey Hyunjin, what are you so excited about?”, you asked curiously and he brought a big stuffie into the camera. You looked at the bear in awe.

“This! I won you it!”, he smiled and, somehow, you fell in love with him even more than you thought was possible.

It’s going to be the death of me, but I can’t live on like this. Surrounded by lies.

I love you Hwang Hyunjin.

“I love you Hwang Hyunjin”, you didn’t expect the words to come out as clear as they did. You knew your boyfriend heard those words. He heard everything, but you finally felt free. You spoke the truth for the first time in months.

“Y/n... I love you too. More than anything”, Hyunjin smiled softly on the screen and hearing him say those words somehow broke your heart more than heal it. Tears started to stream down your cheeks as your boyfriend slammed the door open and walked over to grab you.

Goodbye.  

You put your thumb on your palm and closed your fingers around it, hoping Hyunjin knew the symbol. It was the symbol for abuse.

You kicked and screamed as your boyfriend grabbed you and turned the call off. He threw your phone at the wall in anger and shoved you onto the ground, kicking your stomach over and over. You could feel the bruises forming and the pain spreading through your body, but, at the same time, all you could think about was Hyunjin’s words.

Y/n... I love you too. More than anything.

You smiled. Through the pain, you smiled.

“What are you fucking smiling about?!”, your boyfriend yelled and you finally had enough. You were free. Even if it would only be for your final moments of life.

“I’m loved! Unlike you! You will never be loved”, you retorted and the man looked shocked before he grabbed you by the hair.

I love you more Hyunjin.  

“What did you just say?”, the man looked down at you in anger and there was no way you were backing down now.

“You will never be loved. I never loved you. Fuck you”, you spit in his face and he wiped it away before picking you up and walking to the roof as you kicked at him and screamed. The building was always empty at this time and he knew that.

“I hope it was worth it dumb bitch”, he sighed once he got to the roof and put you on the ledge of the building. Only one tear went down your face. That tear was for Hyunjin. Only him.

He held you there tightly and, for a moment, you actually felt at peace. The wind blew into your hair and the sight of the city was beautiful with all its lights. The stars were only barely visible, but they were there. They were waiting to greet you once you left.

Maybe I’ll become a star. Maybe I can still look out for my love.

Hyunjin. I will miss you. I’m so sorry.

“Y/n!”, you thought the voice was just in your mind until your boyfriend briefly let you go to turn around. You tried to run away from him, but he grabbed you again. You looked at Hyunjin, his hair in a mess as he looked at you from the door. He looked back at you.

“Let her go”, he tried to rationalize with the man holding you and you shook your head at him.

“Leave Hyunjin. Live your life”, you smiled softly at him, reassuring him you were going to be okay.

“No. I can’t live without you”, your boyfriend scoffed at this and moved towards the ledge again.

“We will meet again. Just not in this life. Just be strong in this one without me”, you sniffled, holding back your tears as you were placed on the ledge again.

“I-I can’t. Please fight”, he moved slowly closer and you shook your head.

“I can’t Hyunjin. I don’t have any fight left”, you eventually let your boyfriend push you off. You weren’t really scared surprisingly as you started to fall. The wind felt nice against your back and you were free. Free of pain.

Well, you were at peace until you felt a pair of arms wrap around you. You opened your eyes to see Hyunjin’s face right in front of your’s and the building you were pushed off of in the background.

“No. No! Hyunjin no!”, you desperately cried out and he shushed you, kissing you passionately. You kissed him back as you could feel your bodies nearing the ground.

“I love you. Let’s be together through everything. Go together. You know I couldn’t live without you”, you did know that and you wrapped your arms around him too. Both of you were holding onto each other tightly and Hyunjin turned with his back facing the ground, hoping somehow he could save you. You knew it was hopeless though.

You were going to die in each other’s arms.

“Goodbye Hyunjin. I love you too. I’m so sorry”, you shoved your face in his chest and he stroked your hair.

“Shhh, it’s not goodbye”, he cooed before everything went black.

For this life, it is.

[cathrrrine]

RUN | Pietro x Reader

Originally from my Wattpad

CHAPTER 13 - MASK

major tw! // panic attack scene, cursing, mild verbal abuse

----

Natasha's grip on me was firm and her gaze on the back of my head was unwavering. My feet moved before me, heading towards whatever direction she shoved me to. She put me in handcuffs the moment she laid her hands on me, but frankly, I don't blame her.

"You punch a bag full of iron everyday or something?" I quipped, taking yet another turn with her less than gentle push.

"What?"

"Your grip. It's not exactly a wonderful experience."

"Huh." I could basically hear the eye-roll in her voice, "No, just a bag of linoleum. It's lighter."

Thrown aback by her quick retort, I snickered delightfully. Who knew Natasha Romanoff could make me laugh a little?

"Well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

"Look at you, quoting Nietzsche." Her grip on me grew tighter. "Then maybe you won't mind if I do this, right? Doubt it'll kill you."

I winced, barely, but it was there and I had a feeling she noticed it. "I wish it would."

We stopped before a dark blue door, and she punched in a code at the keypad attached to the wall beside it before pressing a big red button. I heard a click sound and Natasha pushed the door ajar.

I stared at the room before me. It looked like...well, a room.

"What? No cell for me?"

She raised an eyebrow interrogatively and sighed, "Your cell is unfortunately under repair. Sorry, but you'll have to make yourself at home here now, Your Majesty."

I smirked, "Eh, I guess I'll make do. It's not too shabby."

She led me inside and locked the door behind us. I looked around almost automatically, scanning the area. The room was a little small, but it wasn't claustrophobic. There was a single bed attached to the floor by the corner with white sheets and a white pillow over it, a chair also attached to the floor and another door that left me no clue of what it would open to...a closet maybe?

No windows. No vents.

"You're not going to find it." Natasha's voice cut through the silence, slicing through it heavily like a blunt knife. "Your escape."

I looked over my shoulder to see her standing with her arms crossed, "I wasn't looking for an escape."

"Thought you were done with lying?" I sensed the beguilement in her tone.

I shook my head slightly, "I was just wondering why you brought me to this...room."

"This isn't a room. It's a cell."

A cell? This comfortable? "Ha-ha. You're hilarious."

"Yeah, I am. But I wasn't making a joke, this is a cell."

Holy shit, S.H.I.E.L.D must be flowing with money and extreme stupidity for them to keep their prisoners this comfortable. "Where I come from, we don't give the bad guys cells that look like these."

I saw her shrug out of the corner of my eye. "It depends on who's the bad guy we're talking about. Plus, we rarely have to put anyone in these cells." She didn't have to say it for me to know what she meant. They don't bring back prisoners.

"Well, yippee, it's my lucky day." I deadpanned.

Natasha had been staring at me the whole time. I turned to face her fully, daring her to make eye-contact. But the redhead continued to stare, unaffected.

"Hydra left quite the dent. Turned half of this building inside out."

"Sounds like em'."

"Your cell took a big hit. They blew a hole right through it, through the walls."

I froze. Did they know I was supposed to be there? Did he...come here to kill me?

On sight?

"They were looking for you, I assume."

My gaze dropped from her eyes to the floor, staring at my blood-covered shoes. Why is it that every time I think about him I cower in fear like a fool? I'm far from a coward. I hate the fact that even just the thought of that...monster, puts me in distress. I feel like a child again, and not the woman I am now.

Natasha was observing me, prompting me to answer with the intensity of her gaze. But I didn't have any answers to give.

"Sit down."

I looked up at her, only to find her pointing at the metal chair in the corner.

"Sit." She repeated, and I followed without question. I had no upper-hand here, and I didn't really want to have it. As soon as I landed my ass on the chair, she gripped my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. What is it with this woman and eye-contact?

"If you try anything at all, I won't hesitate to kill you. You know that." She emphasised the last part. "You said you wanna stay alive? Then don't do anything stupid."

I nodded once, lips pursed. She proceeded to walk behind me to free me from my handcuffs.

Time seemed to slow down as I thought of a hundred different ways to knock her out right now. Maybe it wouldn't be easy, but it wasn't impossible. I could jump up and kick her in the face, or maybe toss myself backwards and grab her gun from her holster, shoot her from behind. I could kick her legs from below her and smother her with the pillow, or use my handcuffs to choke her to death. Or I could just throw a really, really good punch.

But she was right. I wanted to stay alive.

So, I sat still.

She uncuffed me and as soon as she did, she grabbed me by the elbow and ushered me to the mysterious door. She entered in a code at a keypad beside it, much like before, and pushed the door open to reveal a small bathroom.

"Go. Take a shower. There's a change of clothes ready for you on the counter."

I stared, dumbfounded. "I've only just agreed to work with you guys just a few minutes ago and you're already trusting me to take a shower without trying anything?"

She shrugged, "There's nothing useful in there. No sharp objects, no vents large enough anyone to fit through and the mirror isn't breakable glass. You try to escape, alarms will blare out and the oxygen in there will be cut-off immediately. So, either you die in there by suffocating, or you die when I come in and shoot you in the head. I don't trust you, but I do trust our system."

Figures. Stark Tech.

"FRIDAY's monitoring you too, thermal sensors. Now, go. Before I make you."

She didn't have to tell me a third time.

As expected, she locked the door behind me as soon as I went in. I stepped out of my bloody shoes and I stripped down my bloody clothes. It's funny how spent my whole life on this job, surrounded with nothing but murder and gore and yet I still get tired of seeing blood on myself every time. As if I could avoid it.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror–true to Natasha's word, it was far from fragile–and I ran my fingers across my face and through my hair. I had blood, bruises and dust all over me, like I've always had all my life. But I didn't recognise the woman in the mirror. She wasn't me.

But who was I really?

I've kept on this appearance for too long. It was a disguise that was growing old. It felt like a mask that was slowly melting onto my face, and it was asphyxiating me, burning the skin underneath it.

I've never worn a disguise for this long. This wasn't me. This was Lisa. Or was it Yvonne? Katya, Mila, Eve? I felt an odd sensation taking me under, almost like I was drowning. I felt myself tearing up, but I couldn't feel anything but...panic. Rising in my chest, expanding like a balloon. This was a familiar feeling, a problem I've had for far too long, but I never really knew how to solve it.

And then it all started to sink in, and it was like my body decided to finally register the pain that had built up over the last few days. But my mind wasn't along for the ride. I was hurt all over but mentally, I was numb. Or was it too much for me to handle?

The same question kept burning at the back of my head and it was all I could do not to scream and pull my hair out.

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

I wanted to sink to the ground and pull my knees to my chest until my brain stopped screaming at me, but I couldn't afford to have a mental breakdown in a S.H.I.E.L.D bathroom made for prisoners. It wasn't exactly like I had all the time in the world.

I ran the back of my hand over my cheeks, wiping the tears that I hadn't even cared to realise were falling. God, I looked like a helpless, pathetic thing. Felt like one too.

I stepped into the shower, turning the knob to the coldest setting and let it flow over me, desperately hoping it would wash everything including the pain away.

Am I not as strong as I was before? I've gone through so much to keep myself alive and away from them. From him. Had it all been for nothing? I've thrown myself at the hands of a secondary enemy. It was a desperate decision, but a necessary one.

But was it really? Was it worth it?

I shook my head, splashing more cold water to my face. I couldn't lose my mind right now. Not when I've already put my guard down. Why do I feel so helpless? Why do I feel like I'm making the wrong decision? Why do I feel like I'm slowly falling apart, piece-by-piece, and I don't even realise it's happening to me? Why do I feel like...a failure?

Please, God, please...don't let me lose my mind.

———

"Have you lost your mind?"

A click of a gun. The stomping of his boots.

"I was only trying to do what you told me to do."

A pair of furious eyes, always the same blue ones. They're always either angry, stoic or blank.

"You are not supposed to fail. I did not tell you to fail."

The mission wasn't supposed to go the way it did. The plan went askew but I completed the job, I checked off my requirements. What did I do wrong?

"I didn't fail."

He slammed his fist onto the table next to us, growling. I shouldn't have said that.

"You shot one of them in the shoulder. Did you miss your aim, agent?"

Fuck. "No, I did not sir."

"So, you did it on purpose?"

I messed up. I messed up. "I...I was-"

"You were careless." He sneered, eyes boring into me as I quickly averted my gaze to the floor. "You were negligent. You left someone alive."

I didn't dare move a muscle. He turned around, his back facing me.

"The order was 'to leave no trace'. You did exactly the opposite. Hydra does not stand for failure."

"I understand, sir. But please-"

He whipped his head around to stare at me. His movements were always so robotic, just like his voice. It was always unnerving. The look in his eyes sent a chill down my spine, and it took everything in me not to scream and make a dash for the door.

"Why."

I gulped. "Why?"

"Why did you not shoot him in the head?"

I shut my eyes, blinking furiously at the memory. It was a reckless decision, one that was idiotic and inadequate. He begged me for his life. 'Wife and 2 kids' he said. I don't know why I did it. I don't understand why I let myself do it. I acted like a spineless fool.

"He wanted mercy." I whispered, knowing that it was going to cost me.

"Mercy?" He uttered the words like they were foreign, the two syllables coming out of his mouth with complete and utter disgust. "Mer-cy?"

I nodded once. "I understand I made the wrong decision."

He seemed to process it in his head for a while. Then after only a second or two, he straightened his back and broadened his shoulders. There it was again, the robotic movements.

I watched in horror as he turned around and announced to the room, walking away with his boots stomping under him, a noise I've always dreaded ever since I met him.

"It seems you are not fit yet for missions, agent. Take her to her cell. I will report this immediately."

The cell? No, no, no...not the cell. Please. "Sir. I apologise for my misbehaviour, sir. I'll do better on my next mission, just, please don't put me back in my cell."

He didn't turn around. I never expected him to, every time this happened. But my voice had a mind of it's own and it always seemed to escape me. How could I expect for him to show me mercy if he condemned me for it?

I wanted to scream and kick and cry. I didn't want to go back to my cell. I couldn't. I fought against the arms that bound themselves around me, dragging me to hell. "Please! I promise. I won't fail next time. It was a mistake-"

"You should shut up." The agent man-handling me muttered under his breath.

The agent was right. The soldier didn't appreciate begging. I should shut up, but I couldn't stand the thought of being back in there. I let out a guttural scream. "Sir. Sir, please!"

He didn't look back, never did. I watched helplessly as he shut the door behind him. The glint of his metal arm was the last thing that blinded me before the darkness did.

[phalene33]

I wanted to do something nice for myself so I'm going to write a Choptop X my oc Kat short story. If people enjoy it I'll make a Part 2.

After a long battle with dealing with my abusive father, and taking care of my younger sister, I finally saved enough money to move away. I wanted to stay far away from my home state Kansas, and have settled on moving to a small town called Newt in Texas. I don't know much about Texas, or even the town itself, but from the few times I've been there it reminded me of my home town. So Newt was probably the best choice I had.

Checking how much gas I had left in my tank I drive over to a nearby gas station. It looked very run down. I assumed that the place was abandoned, so I was sorta surprised that a man came over to greet me. "Hello there ma'am, never seen you around these parts. You aren't around here are you?" "No sir, I used to live in Kansas but I just moved in. My name is Kat Valentine." "I'm Drayton Sawyer, I hope your move wasn't too difficult." "I had some problems arrive along the way but nothing I couldn't deal with. Do you have any gas?" "No ma'am, but show up tomorrow and we'll have some ready for ya." I nod and drive off to my new home hoping that by tomorrow I could fill up my car.

The next day I drove back to the gas station and to my luck they had some gas for me. After the man called Drayton filled up my car I gave him $20 and a tip. Driving off I set off to the nearest big city, wanting to get some things for myself. After driving for a few miles I finally entered one of the big cities. I drove around looking at all the businesses noticing a music store. I pulled into the parking lot and went inside. There was tons of albums from different artists of all genres. I immediately started looking for Plastic Beach a Gorrilaz album. Looking all over I noticed a odd looking man holding it. The man seemed to be a hippy, and he had pale skin, along with a birth mark going across his face. He also had the prettiest blue eye's I've ever seen which wasn't surprising considering most of the people in my hometown had brown eyes.

Despite hating public social interaction I decided to ask him where he found that album. Approaching him, I try to look slightly above his eyes so I didn't have to make eye contact. "Hello sir, I was looking for that same album you had in your hand. Could you tell me where you found it." I struggle to put on a natural looking smile, and mentally cussed myself out for sounding so strange. "Ah th-this one?" The man waves it in front of my face almost as if to brag about having it. "I-It's the last one h-honey, you'll have t-to come back n-next time!" He gives me a smile mocking me. Not wanting to deal with this I grab it out of his hand and starts running. "I'll let you have it back if you can catch me!"

The guy got down on his hands and knees and crawled after me like some kind of animal. But that was his first mistake. All I did was simply sit on him and raised the album high above me. He tried grabbing it, not realizing I weighed 115 pounds, and he could have simply just wrestled me for it and win. "G-Give it to me! I f-found it fair and s-square!" "Don't care, could have just gave it to me, but now you get to look like an idiot infront of everybody." The man gave me a look then pushed me off of him. I look up at him with the album close to my chest. "What? You didn't like me riding you or something? Wanted to be on top huh?" I hoped my flirting tactics would fluster him, so I could make my escape, but he just slightly blushed and looked down at me and laughed. "A-Arent you such a t-tease!" He grabbed the album from me with force. "Give it back fucker!"

He looked at me with excitement. "O-Or what?" I just stared at him not sure of what to say. "What's your name fucker?" Is all I could think to say. If I knew a little bit about this man I could possibly come up with a good threat. "B-Bobby Sawyer but everyone c-calls me Choptop!" He takes out a clothing hanger and scratched his head with it. "Wh-what yours?" "Kat Valentines..." I thought for a minute and remembered the name of the man who worked at the gas station. " I'm going to tell Drayton that you stole from me!" Yes I technically stole from him, but I wanted this album and I was willing to lie for it. He looked at me nervous for a second before speaking. "H-How do you know m-my brother?" "I met him yesterday, I was going to get gas for my car and we had a nice conversation." He stands up. "W-Well if you tell him anything, y-you'll regret it!" He then runs out of the store with the album.

All that work for nothing. I thought to myself before leaving to go back home. On my way home I decide to stop at the gas station again to talk to "Choptops" brother. That's right, I'm not giving up that easily. I want that damn album. I walked into the gas station and over to Drayton.

"Hello Miss Valentine, good seeing you again." He was holding a broom but didn't seem to be using it to sweep. "Hello Mr. Sawyer." I replied to him. "Haha please Mr. Sawyer was my grandfather." I give him a warm smile. "And Miss Valentine was my mother." We both chuckle lightly. "Just call me Kat." "Alright Kat, did you want to talk to me for a reason?" Thinking back at the album I nod to myself. "In fact I do, your brother has stolen something of mine." He gave me a frown and looked troubled. "I-I see." he thinks for a moment. "How about you come over for dinner tomorrow, and I'll have him return it to you then." I think about what's being said for a second. "For dinner? Oh you don't have to, I would just like him to return it." "Nonsense, you are new here, it would only be polite to to have you over for dinner." He kept insisting I stay for dinner so eventually I gave in and agreed.

The next day I didn't feel like getting out of bed, but in my search for that album I got up anyways and drove around town. Looking for the man who had what I so desperately desired, and after searching every small business I finally found who I was looking for..... On the side of the road waving at me to try and get my attention. I parked my car and got out walking over to him. "Got sum trouble with your truck here?" "D-Damn thing broke d-down on m-me." He started cussing in frustration. "Okay okay calm down, let me look at it." "You can't fix it, just drive me home!" I look at him annoyed. "Don't tell me what to do or I'll leave you here album stealer!" He replied with a tired sigh. I look at the engine to quickly learn that it over heated. "Good luck getting that fixed buddy." I set my arm on his shoulder. "Pl-please just take me home." He whined. "Give me that album and I will gladly do that." "Never!" "Okay..." I walk over to my car and get in. Choptop got into the passenger seat next to me. "I'm not taking you home until you give me that album." I stick out my tongue teasingly, only to be met with him pushing his lips against mine, and his tongue aggressively pushing against my own. Shocked I just sat there frozen until the kiss was over with. "L-Looks like I'll get to spend the d-day with you then." I keep quiet and drive off.

Though the drive was long it wasn't in silence. Choptop almost immediately turned on the radio and started talking to me. Telling me about his family and his interests. I would be lying if I told you I didn't find it cute whenever he talked about something he liked. His eyes would get big, and so would his smile. He would do hand gestures only stopping to scratch himself with the clothing hanger.

"K-Kat do you l-love music as m-much as I-I do?" I turn to look at him. "Mhm, my mother was a music prodigy before she died, so I grew up with different kinds of music." Mentioning that made him way more excited then before. He was practically vibrating like a woman's sex toy. "R-Really? D-Did she teach y-you how to p-play any i-instruments?!" I nodded and proceeded to name off a few that I knew how to play. He quickly cut me off tho. "Y-You should be the lead f-female singer in my b-band Cornbugs!" I was about to agree to it before realizing something.

"Hey you dirty thief, you need to give me back that damn album!" I hit him lightly in the arm. "I-I will, just agree t-to be the l-lead female singer i-in my band!" I sigh and give him a look. "Fine..." Choptop screams in excitement and gave me a kiss on my lips before pulling me into a hug.