#the times i dont are when i stop reading partway through

[thepixelelf]

EVERY comment means something to creatives; it doesn't matter if the post has 10 notes or 1000

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 1/23/2024

listen i got my last job through one of youse on here so weirder things have happened: i got fired bc the nonprofit wasn’t doing so hot. let me know if you have a weird data/database or market/tech research job. i promise my worksona is so so so nice and pleasant to work with. remote only, looking more in the $75k range but can be a bit flexible if it’s a cool enough job, i am in the central time zone of the USA and will not need sponsorship anywhere but DO need the cadillac of healthcare and dental plans. portfolio, publication list, and linkedin with my government name available on request!

listening

both of these are from my sister! this is another FULL ALBUM rec (good lord). The Offline’s album La couleur de la mer is a soundtrack to a movie that doesn’t exist, inspired by his long walks in the fog on the French Atlantic coast. a little spacey, a little soul, very sixties/seventies neonoir. i am quite fond of the very first track, Thème de la couleur de la mer.

she’s also sent me a bunch of tiktoks with Perfect (Exceeder) by Mason and Princess Superstar. hell of a goddamn music video for this thing. mid-aughts clubbing music at its finest. stopped me from dissolving into a puddle of emotions on the way to and from the vet today bc it’s too goddamn bouncy to be sad around

reading

im reading a trilogy i want to discuss as a whole whenever the third one comes through as a library hold, and a book by a friend. i do not typically talk about books or fics by friends here bc none of them have ever asked for critique, and i dont want to play favorites or inadvertently miss someone’s work. so here’s a story about porn on Wikimedia, which is the kind of database drama and technical arguments that fascinate me.

given the number of articles from 404 Media i shout about here and elsewhere i really should sign up for their $5/mo subscription tier when i have a steady income again

watching

somehow missed Star Wars Visions 2, their second anthology of weird little shorts. i was not super impressed by the overall storytelling this time around, but it was fun to see them reach out to more global studios and see a wider range of styles. there’s some goddamn incredible stop motion in here.

i particularly enjoyed Journey to the Dark Head, which not only has some interesting fringe Force believers and beliefs but has one of the sickest anime bullshit lightsaber fights in this season. this one is by Studio Mir, most known for the Legend of Korra.

also really liked The Spy Dancer by Studio La Cachette, partly bc it’s incredibly beautiful and i like when Star Wars leans into art nouveau, and partly bc it felt the most like a complete short story. emotional arc and everything! strong beginning middle and end! this IS a really low bar, but a lot of the shorts this season did not have a coherent little story to tell or a strong emotional arc, or fumbled their arc partway through, and were just kind of vibes and animation showcases? nothing necessarily wrong with that, also how i felt about most of the last collection. my expectations are underground for any Star Wars media.

playing

as is tradition i dithered about this section the most. this is more of a What’s Next? planning ramble.

the laptop gets shipped back to my old job today so i will no longer have a working modern computer. i have to dig the switch out and see what’s up. maybe start a whole new run in breath of the wild or whatever the last pokemon game was. i think i also have the sword boyfriend game everyone was up in arms about two years ago? and i think i am somehow part of a switch family plan that lets me have some older games?

this section may look very different in the next ??? amount of time until i get a company laptop again. or finally replace the motherboard on my personal desktop but that sat in my car for several weeks during the heat wave this summer while i did not have an apartment and i am really REALLY afraid to open that box.

oh the free epic game this week is a platformer, a genre i have historically not cared about. godspeed to those of you who do

making

soup bc aldi had alphabet pasta and that jolted me out of myself for long enough i was briefly convinced making alphabet pasta soup would fix me. so i found this recipe while in aldi. despite this not being a very good soup or a very good recipe, i feel a little triumphant bc i now know enough to brown the tomato paste before putting it in the soup. unfortunately i overcooked the pasta. there’s kind of a lot of texture happening here, and i wish i had chopped things finer, but i will probably steal my best friend’s blender tomorrow and blitz some of it down.

it’s edible. im going to eat it all. it will not be going in the rotation

[spiegelgestalt]

The great Binghe-Yandere

Tierlist

for Re:zero- Characters 2.0

So a few weeks ago when I started to get back into Re:zero i joked that Re:zero and scum villain self saving System are quite similar in that they have characters who would do absolutley batshit things for love. And then i made a tierlist but it was a bad one because i only half remembered the characters. And i promised myself that i would make another one, once i rewatched the anime. Soooo i rewatched the anime, and read some of the LN and listened to parts of Arc 5 and read the Theresia/Wilhelm side stories and I present to you now the new and improved Binghe-Yandere Tierlist:

Rules and reasonings under the cut. Beware this is gonna be very long and self indulgent

So first for the rules:

all the tiers have to be something that some version of Luo Binghe did during the novel AND every character could only be placed once (or Roswaal would just be in all of the tiers -SN: Scum villain-fans Roswaal/Echidna is kind of a lot like Shen Yuan/Luo Binghe - discuss!!)

The only exception is the bonus tier because i find it funny

2. This measures the amount of obsession so/ can bring into a relationship. that does not mean the relationships need to be sexual/romantic (the onyl exception is of course the bonus tier)

And now for my reasoning:

Worlddestroyers

Roswaal - is of course the purest version of luo binghe. He would fuck his teacher, his only reason for existing is reviving his teacher, he also would kidnap his teacher if he had to. He would if pushed destroy the world if he can't have his teacher. He's very emotionally stable and doesn't believe in love (huge loser)

Sirius- I'm only partway into Arc 5 (i'm currently after the marketplace fight, capella just appeared but i dont know enough about her yet, to put her into here) but my impression is this: she is going against her entire cult teaching of loving/wanting to revive Satella becaus Satella. IS. STEALING.HER . MAN!!!! and every witchcult member doesn't mind destroying the world.

Petelgeuse in his Slothform of course would do this. He ever diligently wants to revive Satella, even if that would mean that Satella would destroy the world. AND he wants to force Satella to love him. If he could he would kidnap her and force her to be with him. And he would fuck Satella if he could. Yes it is weird knowing what she looks like, but he would. Sorry. At least he doesn't remember that Emilia is his daughter (at least i hope so)

I'd argue that Presloth Petelgeuse would also fit into this category. He uses the witchfactor fully knowing that it would probably turn him into a monster after all

Puck - look do i even need to say anything. Puck would definitly destroy the world for Emilia. It's in his contract and he doesn't give a fuck

Satella - arguably is constantly destroying the world. It depends if parallel universe are created or if the universe is destroyed and recreated every single time she saves Subaru

Otto: i heard through the tumblr grape vine that he wanted to destroy an entire country for Subaru... that tracks. I find him incredibly suspicious

Wilhelm: Look i love Wilhelm. But no one can tell me that he wouldn't destroy the entire world in an instant if that meant getting Theresia back (the only thing that would stop him is that it would make her sad)

Emilia: This might be a controversial one. And i agree: currently Emilia is not in a world ending mood but the instinct is there. All it needs is a little push. BUT I have to admit that her reason for not ending the world isn't a loved one per se but her genuine kindness and respect for life. i can imagine that she would destroy the world in a fit of rage and regret it afterwards.

Kidnappers

Reinhard: he did it to Felt and he's not even sorry. He would do it again if needed and I'm not even sure he would understand why it was wrong.

Rem: Look, we know she would do it if she thought Ram or Subaru needed it. It would be a last resort. Before that she would of course stalk them/insert herself in every aspect of their life. But if faced with a possibilty of losing them forever she would act immediatly

Garfiel is a difficult case. I'd argue Arc 5 Garfiel wouldn't kidnap anymore but Arc 4 would because of his abondenment issues. He stopped the trial from being completed because he didn't want anyone of his loved ones to leave (technically imprisonment but the point stands)

Corpseholders

before i get to my reasoning i just wanted to explain this one: after shen yuan dies, luo binghe takes his corpse with him. He keeps it alive for 5 years. He fights of anyone who wants to claim him (to bury him) and he talks to shen yuan while slowly losing his sanity. As far as we know there is thankfully no fucking involved. I just wanted to explain this to show that this is the level of obsession we are dealing with. I'd also like to add that a lot of the people in the higher tiers, would definitly do this to

Ram: I really struggled if Ram would be a kidnapper or a corpseholde but at last i decided for this category. She wouldn't kidnap Roswaal. But if she had to she would try to revive him. Her love/obsession runs deep.

Ferris: Look, Ferris is a healer and they are really obessed with Crusch. They would not let her die. They would do anything to revive her. Mark my words

Subaru: We know he would because he does it (and not even for his main waifu...).

Beatrice: Beatrice is a special case because it would depend on what Echidna would order her to do. If Echidna told her to revive her/take care of her body Beatrice would do so. She stayed for 400 years in a library to honor her mothers orders.

The Harempeople

Explanation: in an alternate universe Luo Binghe never meets Shen Yuan and tries to compensate by becoming the rule of everything and getting a harem of 600+ wives. He is extremly miserable.

Regulus: I don't have to say anything about him I guess. He's the Harem Guy

Echidna: I think Echidnas greed is not harem oriented but she is interested in people and their stories - and if she had to create a harem to get that she would do it

Priscilla just strikes me as a Harem girl. The world is there for her pleasure and so she can take everything she wants. including 600 wives

Anastasia: Anastasia tells us in her king- speech that she wants a country because she still doesn't have enough even though she got a lot. She takes and she takes and she takes but it doesn't fill the emptyness inside her. Maybe she would create a harem after she won the selection.

So thats that. That's my tier list. the people i haven't included sadly don't fit in any of the categories(for example Julius my beloved is just to well adjusted to be a yandere ~sad~) or i just forgot them. that is a possibility

if you made it this far, thanks for reading. I hope you had as much fun reading it as i had creating this post

[aemiron-main]

season 5 episode concept. get ready for pain.

and when there’s a letter addressed to will with ‘love, mike’ at the end and will finds it/reads it and it almost reads like a suicide note not in a ‘god i want to kill myself’ way but in more of a “i keep hurting the people i love and i dont know how to stop doing it and it feels like my existence is inherently harmful to the people i care about even when im trying to help them and i cant see a way to stop hurting them except for not existing and if i can’t save people from myself how can i save them from other things and i’ve failed to protect them so many times” way? and when will finds the letter in one episode, near the middle-end of the ep, and then the next ep is titled ‘love, mike’?  and then when in the next ep shit hits the fan before will can ask mike about it? hits the fan so badly that it ends up with will holding mike in his arms after mike sacrificed himself and all will can think about is the ‘love, mike’ at the end of the letter? when the ‘love, mike’ ep is the ep where mike dies in will’s arms to the tune of ‘when it’s cold i’d like to die’? the ep where will has his ‘don’t go where i can’t follow’ moment as he clutches at mike and begs him not to leave him?  and the ep where mike doesn’t get revived until the next ep because the ‘love, mike’ ep shows us the image of will, bloody and exhausted and devasted, sobbing and still begging mike to come back, as it cuts between images of will holding a definitely-dead, cool-toned mike versus will’s memories of mike bathed in golden light as the sound of mike’s letter being read in mike’s own voice plays over top of ‘when it’s cold i’d like to die,’ staring partway through the song, and then cuts to black just like how everything went to black for mike? like it starts out with the song playing as Will begs Mike not to leave but then that shifts into the mike Voiceover with the memories? and how there’s NO credits music this time, just pure fucking silence as ‘when it’s cold i’d like to die’ and mike’s letter fades out of earshot? and the last thing we hear is ‘love, mike’ in mike’s voice as mike’s voice fades away just like how it faded away for will, right as the screen fades to black? 

and how it being ‘cold’ ties to loneliness and trauma and how mike wants to die when its cold/ hes alone because he bases his own value on his usefulness to other people and how he’s been handling all of his own trauma alone? and how hes not alone/not cold because will is his light/warmth and will revives him? and how the next ep is when will revives mike and we get a swingset memory callback? 

[fictionfixations]

twst spoilers (im looking through this through the lens of twisted wonderland)

I have a bunch of movie DVDs so I’m watching them.

watched part of the little mermaid (i ended up stopping cause the rest of the audio after the deal was just gone and there were more and more frame freezes and cuts)

and then aladdin

Anyway since I’m on a twisted wonderland fixation I wanted to watch the movies I had. So I’m going through little mermaid. I don’t think I have the second

..there’s one at 80 mins. It says disc 1. The other is titled ‘Ariel’s beginning’ idk the difference??? apparently ariel's beginning is the third movie, and a prequel. i didnt get around to watching it cause at this point im tired)

Guppy is an insult (i swear ive heard floyd call someone a guppy but im not sure where)

THE TWEELS EYESSS (and the white glowed yellow???? Or is that an artistic choice??? i have no idea what they did because i couldnt hear them and i didnt figure out how to turn on subtitles or rewind )

I love the yellow fish so much (hes just explaining it while lacking so many details you cant really follow)

Triton a shit father???? No I hate the crab (hes. kind of a bad influence.)

Ariel can. Be out of water with her tail? And speak? And

breathe???????? huh!?

SHES ON SAND AND ISNT DRYING OUT??? (so her only problem with it is that shes not human. and thinks he'll only get with her if she's human. it feels kind of dumb but i guess it kind of isnt if they have this huge thing against merpeople but they dont even know they exist? although there could be negative consequences ofc if they did find out but i really dont think ariel's aware of that. or if she is, then whyd she go so close if she knows they could be a danger??? ???

..i mean. its better than signing away your best magic for TEST answers. and then working for the lounge for the rest of your years at school??? with probably no pay. like. seriously?? people just accept things?? i mean i know nrc wouldnt accept kindness. but. ..apparently accept azuls deals without reading...)

'Beautiful girl singing.' (or it was beautiful singing voice) (What if she was a siren???? like cmonn) I couldn’t hear what happened to Ursula that left her away from the others ngl

...Tritons really the kind of dad to destroy Ariel’s stuff when she reveals she’s in love with a human. Okay yeah I don’t take back my thought of him being a bad dad

Well it’s human stuff but srsly???

THE FAN TURNED ON (curse non-soundproof walls) DURING MEETING URSULA ('poor unfortunate soulsss') IM CRYING NOOOOO (i didnt know how to turn on subtitles. i only figured it partway around watching aladdin :( )

I can’t hear the deal :(

Weird that Ariel still got married (and had like the foundation thing that helps merpeople get used to land??? i forgot what it was but it was because a princess in like the sunshine lands blah blah blah) Meanwhile Ursula is just. Admired fo being so kind. Do they not know??? then again they do admire jafar while he also still lost. ..i mean the stories twisted ig so we cant really know what happened. if it followed the movie or if something else happened. In twst* Sound disappeared. I think it’s the movie dvd cause there are weird cuts

im. gonna end it there because otherwise im not gonna understand a thing

aladdin go brr

The frame froze on jafar closing the parrots mouth 😭

I FOUND WHERE THE SUBTITLES ARE oh my god were the crackers a reference (in the game kalim kept shoving crackers in grims mouth and i was just so confused???) I just wanna give the tiger a hug (i dont remember what gender but so so cute when turned into smol bby)

I can’t really blame animal sidekicks that cause an issue in stuff (and kind of annoying) since I got attached to grim and I hated him for the longest time lol (anyway abu ended up helping out by stealing the lamp anyway when before there liekly wouldnt have been a chance. so. good on him)

Jafar just keeps calling him Abooboo throughout the movie. …i cant take it seriously its the funniest thing ever

Why is jasmine surprised (or at least look surprised) she could’ve just assumed jafar was mistaken since Aladdin said he went in disguise and stuff to hide why he was there????

Who the hell would believe jafar’s word? The sultan. But jasmine hates jafar!

Jafar only wanted to be with jasmine to get power??? So why does he want her now? I refuse to believe he’s in love ew

EWWWW THEY KISSED (well she did it to distract him while aladdin was making his way on the plan to stop jafar. but EWW it didnt even work because he saw aladdin's reflection in the crown!)

So gross HOW OLD IS HE!?

So glad jamil wasn’t like that but also it’s not a romance game thank fuck

'Still just second best’ OUCH thats rough hearing that insult

and its deserved. but also knowing jamils backstory makes it ow, although jamil never really. went as far. ....like. nobody actually dies. theres no attempt at killing someone excluding overblot actions and actions pre-blot BECAUSE its on the way about to overblot that what you normally wouldn't do you kind of do, and i really doubt you can be blamed for that when it kind of just. removes your morals, sort of? lowers your inhibitions. but like. makes what caused it so much more intense so then you break and boom overblot

something like that.

[ghost-in-the-stalls]

Had a real weird dream last night lemme tell you. Putting it under a read more because it's long as hell.

I dream a lot about malls

Some of the dreams are about other things where I just happen to end up in a mall. And often those are usually the same mall. And usually only one spot of it- the emptier area outside the movie theater.

But there's a consistent theme across these dreams of the feeling of being lost. Or at least being in a rush to get somewhere when I dont know exactly HOW to get there, or being in need of a vehicle or something to get to my destination.

Usually, though, the mall isn't the focus of the dream. Navigating through it is crucial to whatever im trying to accomplish, but the only dream I had where the mall itself was the focus was honestly a really weird one. I dont remember much about it.

But I just woke up from a dream where mall were kind of the focus but also part of the problem.

It started off with myself, one of my sisters, my mother, and my maternal grandparents all on a train together. I was way younger than I am now, but somehow still old enough that people weren't as concerned about what i did. We were going from our hometown in New York to Montreal- but for some reason my brain threw geography out the window. Because this trip also included traveling through Russia and Japan.

Anyway, partway through the trip some stuff of mine somehow fell out the window?? And because the train was going slow at the moment, I thought we were stopping. So I hopped out to get my stuff, only for the train to then speed ahead without me. The area was still full of people, though, like it was a bustling park on a nice day and not a section of busy train tracks. A worker came over and told me to follow a certain girl to walk me along the line to get to my destination.

So I started following her along with some others. We walked in a line, but then she started walking faster. There were a group of 3 who were following us and trying to get to us. They were clearly bad but I think it was because they had mistaken us for someone else. The main problem was that if they caught us, it would take time to convince them we weren't who they thought we were (if we COULD even convince them) and that would put us too far behind trying to catch up with the train.

So the girl started running, and the line behind her could keep up with her just fine. I was at the end of the line and for some reason was the only one who couldn't keep up.

This is where the malls came in. For some reason we stopped traveling along train tracks and started traveling through malls. Each mall led to the next if you got through it in the right way. And I could see the progress. Signs were in French, then the Cyrillic alphabet, then seemed to be Japanese.

The malls were all crowded and because I'd lost the group (and was also occasionally being tailed by this group of 3) I was in a major rush and was desperate to get through and catch up to my family.

So the dream then became about me frantically traveling through these malls, making turns on instinct and desperately searching for any sign of where I had to go next. Along the way I saw lots of graffiti in small hidden areas in the mall. These areas werent really hidden or closed off, but were ignored by all the other people. The only ones who inhabited it were people who had chosen to stay there. They didn't have anywhere else to go and had decided this was their home now. I kept going through the malls, frantic, trying not to dwell anywhere.

Occasionally the group of 3 would almost spot me again and I'd have to outrun them. But even when they weren't around, I was trying to move as quickly as possible to get back to my family. I had left most of my stuff on the train, so I didn't have anything with me that could help. No phone or money or anything.

The other thing is that I wasn't sure how much time was passing. I knew it was passing, but I never seemed to see the night. The malls were always bright and packed regardless. I found myself never having to stop for food or sleep or even a break. But I knew time was passing and it scared me that it didn't seem to be effecting me or these malls.

Eventually, though I don't completely remember how, I caught up to my family. They were all happy to see me safe and had been very worried. They cried a bit and I did too, but I just kept crying. I couldn't stop. We were on the train again, now and we had couches with pillows and blankets instead of normal seats. They'd left space for me to curl up between them and I remember finally feeling safe again but so tired. And I couldn't stop crying. Because I was finally safe but I almost wasn't. I'd almost lost everything.

Then my mother and grandparents started talking about some address. And I realized I had seen the address in the graffiti in one of the malls. I realized there was something weird going on with the graffiti from the malls, and for some reason it compelled me to go back through. In my mind, as long as I made the same turns I did the first time, I'd be okay and end up safe again.

The problem was that I was acting purely on memory of knowing in the moment what turn to take. For a while it worked okay. I could tell again that time wasn't passing as it should be, and I was scared and lost again. But for some reason it was worth it to find and notate that graffiti I'd seen. So I could put the pieces together and figure out what it all meant.

But this time around I got truly lost in the malls. The intuition wasn't there like it was the first time so I was acting only on memory. And eventually my memory failed me. I started going in circles in one of the malls. When I'd finally got to the end of the mall, a met a group of kids who were familiar with it. They were from the area. And the parking garage I had to go through to continue had the gimmick of being an actual maze.

And unlike before it was now nighttime. The parking garage wasn't lit up and you couldn't see anything. Anyone who wanted to travel through it had to use their own light of some kind. This group of kids led me through though and we were talking as we went. They lived in the area and confirmed for me that I'd made it to New York state. Everyone had a weird accent, so I asked if we were in NYC. They said no. When I asked where we were, they said they didn't know actually.

I know the state well enough that I was ready to ask a bunch of questions to see if I could figure out where in the state we were. But then things got scary.

We ended up climbing through an old playground to move forward. (This is a theme across a lot of my dreams too, including the mall ones. Everything in the world becomes a maze. A puzzle to move through. An obstacle.) The plastic playground tunnels were kind of falling apart and there were some we had to nudge in place properly so we could continue. Then something really scary happened.

The plastic was bent enough that the little doorway we had to go through to continue got blocked when you didn't hold it up as you went. Most of the group went through ahead and then the door collapsed again before myself (once again at the back) and a guy could move through. It took us a moment to figure out how to nudge the plastic back in place properly so we could move through.

When we finally got it, we saw the others on the other side. Only they seemed to be dead. They were all sickly green-pale. They had maggots all over them and their skin was stretched thin in certain spots in a way it really shouldn't be. I screamed, and they all sat up like I'd just woken them up from a nap. They were confused about why we'd taken so long- it had been days for them- and they didn't seem to understand that they genuinely looked dead.

The dream started hopping around more from that point on. But I returned to running lost through the malls and trying to get home. If I happen to see graffiti on my way, I took notes of it. At least so I could feel like I hadnt gotten lost again for nothing.

Eventually I happened across my mother completely at random. We were thrilled to see each other and we both cried. She said it had been weeks since I'd gone missing again. We didn't leave the mall right away and I just remember wishing we would sooner. I was so scared of getting lost again- like the malls would pull me back in if I didn't get some distance from them. Soon after, I woke up.

I've only been awake a little while now but I'm still really unnerved by the dream. I remember how sad and lost and scared I felt. How I couldn't stop crying when I was finally safe, because I was still so traumatized from being lost in the malls. I remember the feeling of being in seas of people but feeling so lonely. So many people gave me smiles as I passed and were polite and pleasant to me. But I felt so scared and threatened nonetheless. And when I was finally safe, the feeling that it would stick with me anyway. That I'd remember that fear for a long time to come. Thats what made me cry so much.

Anyway fucked up shit right?

[marveloussupernerd]

OKAY. The only reason I’m sending this into you is because you seem to also be a fan of Taylor’s music. I hope you don’t mind! :)

This isn’t really a request, more like 2 random HCs I had while listening to Evermore. I’m not asking you to writing anything if you don’t want to. I just thought they were interesting!

Senario 1: what if in the RFA-universe MC was their version of Taylor Swift.

(Meaning her music was known world-wide, she had a massive fan base, she was known for writing stories about her personal life experiences and any album she released would go #1 immediately). Imagine one day she is sitting at the piano writing a song about a young women who turned down her engagement to the love of her life because she was suffering with mental issues (Champagne Problems). IMAGINE how sad the RFA+V+Searan would be when they think she is writing this from personal experience.THEY WOULD BE SO SAD. LMAO.

Senario 2: this one is a little more angsty

Imagine Saeyoung has been working on a task Jumin gave him for the past month. Imagine MC writing Tolerate It while sitting alone on the roof or in their shared bedroom. Imagine her telling herself that it’s all in her head but her insecurities get the better of her. Imagine Searan not knowing how to help but trying his best. Now I’m just sad..... T-T

bOnuS: imagine their reaction to No Body, No Crime. They would be like: “Mc? Did you kill someone?????” Lmao.

Wow genius stuff right here ! Also YES I love Taylor Swift... I have since fearless but honestly I’ve only listened to the entirety of her newest 3 albums oops

This will be multiple parts, also headcannon style? Imma play around w that tell me if you hate it tho

I showed this to my sister (who hasn’t listened to Taylor since 1989) and she goes you NEED to write this

MC is the in-universe Taylor Swift

Part 1: Sad Lyrics

A lot of these are them thinking the songs are about them

Zen (Champagne Problems):

He tries not to bother you while you’re writing

If you’ll let him sing with you to work on songs you’re planning on collaborating w guys on (think exile) he’s so there for you

He loves singing and has always loved your songs

But, as an actor himself, he respects the process and the alone time you need when you’re working on something new !

However

When he hears you singing Champagne Problems

Turning down a proposal because you just weren’t there mentally

Why is he... crying all of a sudden

I’ll tell you why bc if you don’t cry listening to the bridge of Champagne Problems you’re stronger than me

Waits until the piano stops

Then comes in

He has tears literally running down his face

“Zen! Are you okay?”

He plops down onto the bench next to you, pulling you into the biggest hug, which you, of course return

“We don’t have to get married. I’ll never pressure you like that. Are you okay? Do you need to talk about it?” He’s rambling

“It’s just a song Zen”

You have to rub his back to help him feel good enough to get through a sentence without crying

“I thought... I thought that really happened to you.”

Oh Zen, they’re not all based on your personal experiences

“It was so good though! It’s going to have everyone crying. Please tell me it’s on your next album.”

You have tears bc he’s so sweet !!

of course it’s on the next album

Yoosung (Coney Island):

Is dead silent when you’re writing

You literally don’t even notice he’s there

He gets jealous when you FaceTime other artists to work on a collaboration

They are literally so much better than him

And you’ve dated all these famous people

WHY are you with him !?

ANYWAYS

when he hears you playing Coney Island

He’s SOBBING

“Did I do something wrong!?”

“What? No? Of course not Yoosung”

Then why were you singing that

Not everything you write is what you’re experiencing right now

You had to explain to him that that song... you wrote it visualizing the pain you would feel if you lost him

Oh.

For real ??

And then he spirals into telling you how you’d be better off with one of your co-writers or whatever

But... you didn’t write the song thinking about your team

You wrote it thinking about him

It’s hard for him to understand

But when the album comes out... he listens to that song a lot

And still sobs like a baby every time

Jaehee (Exile):

Loves and respects your work

Not all your songs are her sort of thing

You make your newest albums a little more chill so she’ll enjoy them

You’d never tell her that though

You’re literally in a call with the guy you’re collaborating with working on exile

Singing about a failed relationship... for the second time

And experiences with bad relationships in general

It makes her worry that she messed up

Is this about the fight you two had a few months ago!? Did she make the same mistake? Are you thinking of leaving her

Waits until the call is over

“The song sounds beautiful.” Is all she can say

But you know her

“It’s not about you Jaehee”

“I love you like crazy the song isn’t about you”

Needs lots of affirmation bc that SCARED Her

The song is so good but she can’t listen to it more than like once or twice

She’s embarrassed that she thought it was about her

Little does she know you did write some songs about her... but only the happy ones

Jumin (Tolerate It):

He’s been busy with work

Buys a radio station that only plays your music though so he can listen to you all the time

Falls asleep to your singing voice bc it’s so comforting

You’re the media’s favorite couple

They’ve been speculating the two of you have been dating for a few albums now

Paper rings kinda gave it away huh

You thought he was working

Worked through writing a song about love that isn’t well-reciprocated

Honestly... you’re crying while writing it

It’s about an ex !! But also some lines make you miss getting to spend time with Jumin

He just stands there in the doorway

He doesn’t interrupt. Waits until your done

Heart breaks to see you crying

He’s shed a tear or two

Kneels down next to the bench

“I’m so sorry” is all he can say

“No!” Another tear down your face. “It’s not about you!”

He’s gently wiping away your tears

“I haven’t been here enough for you.”

“I’m okay. It’s okay. It’s not about you.”

“But it’s a wake up call. I’m building a home office so I can spend more time with you.”

Not a bad idea.

707 (Marjorie):

IF YOU DONT CRY EVERY TIME YOU HEAR THIS SONG

Again you are braver than me

Anyways Saeyoung can’t get it through his head WHY you like him / started dating him

Your relationship is completely off the radar thanks to him

Which means you DON’T write songs about him much because you don’t want speculation

You wrote this one after you read a sad fan fiction

Sobbing

I literally can’t sing during the bridge of this song I CRY

He listens to you. As you sob through the song. About how the person’s beloved died but they can still hear her and feel her in themselves

He sniffles

Interrupts you partway through

“Baby? Are you okay?”

You sniff and nod

“Is your mom okay? Your aunt? Your friend? Did someone die? Are you alright?”

“Yeah I’m alright.”

But... you’re crying so much how are you okay

“I’m going to need to work on singing this without being emotional” you joke, wiping your tears

“Wait... it’s not my fault right? I didn’t die or anything.”

“Huh!? No. This is about a fanfic”

He laughs, pushes you lightly

“YOU HAD ME WORRIED!”

V (Illicit Affairs):

He sits with you during your songwriting process

Sometimes will even suggest lyrics to you if he’s feeling bold

He’s shocked with how quickly Illicit Affairs comes to you

Singing about breaking off an affair that has torn you apart and feels one-sided and

Uh... are you okay? You never mentioned something like this before

“My Love,” he stops you, “did this happen to you? Did somebody do this to you?”

“Oh. No I’m okay.”

You’re smiling

He was so worried

“And this isn’t about us right?”

Of course not. Everyone knows the two of you are together

“Of course not.”

He smiled. “I was worried about you.”

You giggle, kissing his cheek

“You showed me colors I can’t see with anyone else,” he recommends. “Or something like it.”

“V? Are you okay?” How the tables have turned.

“That’s how I feel about you. All love though. No angst.”

Saeran (This Is Me Trying):

This one is actually about him

You try to only work on your songs when he’s working or when he’s out

You try to spend as much time with him as possible to help with his coping process of everything that’s happened to him

But it’s easy to feel overwhelmed.

He wakes up in the middle of the night with a nightmare

Hears you singing in the other room. He knew you did this at night, it’s okay with him but... he really could use your help right now

Pads over to the door, standing outside until he can gather the courage to interrupt you

He feels pitiful

And then he hears you singing about how you’re struggling with your relationship and everything going on but you’re trying your best

He just sits outside the door. He can’t confront you right now. You’re feeling this way because of him. Maybe he deserves the nightmares

Luckily you’re planning on going to bed and see him when you try to leave the room, curled up on the floor.

“Did you have a bad dream?” You ask, joining him on the floor, pulling him close to you

All he can do is timidly nod

“Come in next time. Nothing is more important than you. I promise you that.”

He shakes his head. “I’m making things hard on you. With your job and your mental health and you trying to help someone so broken...”

His voice cracks. He wants to cry

“Saeran...”

There’s so much you could say.

This song is too sad

Later you’ll add a line about wanting him. Wanting to be with him despite all the trouble

But for now... you’ll be with him

Holding him.

Taking him to bed

Hugging him

Staying awake a little longer just in case he gets another bad dream

You were trying your best. The best thing you could do was be there by his side

He slept a little lighter. It was comforting to know that even though it was hard for the both of you, you were doing it, and you loved him

[rai-knightshade]

For the MacGyver ask game, The Risising and Screwdriver?

The Rising: how did you get into the fandom?

So @dont-stop-believin-in-klaine is to blame here 😂😂 I had initially watched Macgyver when it came out because my whole family watched it from the beginning (Dad's been a Macgyver fan for years, he's taken the idea of Improvising anything and everything to heart). I got through most of season 1 (I think I'd only missed a couple of episodes), and partway through season 2 before I moved out of my parents' house and lost interest (not being there every week plus a minor breakdown will do that). I wasn't in the fandom then tho, I actually had no idea a fandom even existed! Anyways I didn't watch for a while, followed the other fandoms I was into, etc etc. That's where Kaja comes in: I've been following her since my time as a Glee/klaine fan, and followed her into the Shadowhunters/Malec fandom cause I saw the Malec posts she reblogged and got hooked. Then Shadowhunters ended in early 2019, and I was drifting away from a fandom that was slowing down, slowly losing the hyperfixation. Then I saw Kaja was writing/reblogging for another fandom: Macgyver! I was surprised there was a fandom for this little reboot, but I was curious, started rewatching season 1 and reading the fics.... And yeah I think I spent most of a night hyperfixating hard on Macgyver and, more specifically, Macdalton (I always seem to fixate on the ships, dunno why). Aaanndddd here we are now, about a year later, and it looks like this is gonna be my hyperfixation for a good while at least!

Screwdriver: what headcanon/thing would you like most to see become canon?

Well first of all, MACDALTON. and second of all, MACDALTON/BI!MAC. And third, NO SERIOUSLY THE BLONDE IS BI AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT CBS, WE'VE CLAIMED HIM FOR THE GAYS. Also obligatory neurodivergent!Mac should also be canon, but you answered that yourself and I don't wanna steal your answer ^^;

[callboxkat]

(Un)Broken - part 3

Author’s note: I’m back! It’ll be at least a week before you guys get another part, but have this one for now. :)

Warnings: self deprecation, headache mention, doctor mention, injury mention, food mention

Word count: 1579

Masterpost in the notes!

...

Patton walked into his apartment and quietly shut the door behind him. He slid the lock into place, then leaned back against the door with a soft sigh. He didn’t know why he was upset. He should be happy, shouldn’t he? He’d spent the evening bowling with his friends, after all.

He just kept remembering that moment, when he’d cheered about Logan knocking down those two pins—because Logan had been having a really hard time, and it was the first time they’d hung out together having fun like they had before his injury, and Patton had just been so excited to see him finally hit some pins! Logan, though, had clearly not been nearly as excited. Patton had seen how he rolled his eyes. Probably thinking that Patton was making fun of him. But Patton would never do that—Logan was one of his favorite people in the world!

Patton traipsed over to his sofa and threw himself onto it heavily, facedown on the cushions.

He knew that it was dumb. It was just one little thing, one little eye roll. It just hurt him to think that Logan might have thought poorly of him, even for a second.

He was distracted from his wallowing when his phone chimed its text tone at him. Patton reluctantly rolled partway over, just enough to grab his phone from his pocket and bring it up to his face.

Oh! It was Logan! Patton quickly swiped to open the message. It was a group text, sent out to all of them.

Logan: I greatly enjoyed our excursion to the bowling alley this afternoon. I hope that everyone else had as pleasant of a time as I did.

A second message popped up a minute later.

Logan: My apologies if I somehow lessened anyone’s enjoyment of the evening. I understand that especially while I am still in recovery, I am not the most ‘fun’ person to be around. Thank you for inviting me along.

Patton started furiously typing, but a series of other messages were already flooding in from Joan, Virgil, and Roman, all telling Logan that they’d had fun too, and yelling at him for implying that he’d somehow made the evening any less fun. Patton sent off his own message anyway, and as soon as he did, the notification that Talyn was typing their own response came up. Good. Logan didn’t get to talk bad about himself! Not on their watch!

Several long minutes went by, and then Logan responded.

Logan: Perhaps I misread the situation. Thank you for your assurances. It will not be necessary to ‘march over to my house’, ‘physically fite’ me, or hug me so tight that you ‘wring out the nerdiness’

Logan: Additionally, Virgil, I feel the need to remind you that Patton may decide to physically fight you if you continue to insist that gloominess is your area of expertise.

Patton paused, then scrolled up. He must have missed that message in the barrage of notifications. He found it—Virgil didn’t get to be self-deprecating either!—then scrolled back down to reply.

Patton: I will! I’ll fite both of you if I have to!!!

Virgil: Ok Pat chill, no fighting necessary

Patton: Good!

Roman: We should go bowling again. You all only got a glimpse of my skills.

Roman: (Virgils dont interact)

Virgil’s and Logan’s replies came through simultaneously.

Logan: I do think I would enjoy another such outing.

Virgil: You can’t stop me

The chat devolved into banter after that, mostly between Virgil and Roman. Patton just read the messages as they came through, not replying, until the others had to leave.

…

Monday rolled around all too quickly for Patton’s taste. He didn’t particularly want to get up early today, to go to class—one of them was math, after all—but he supposed there were bright sides. He did also have an art class today, and he would get to see his friends at lunch! He just preferred Tuesdays and Thursdays to the other three days of the school week because he had his actual classes with his friends.

Patton struggled through his morning class, which felt like it was moving at a glacial pace. He felt like he’d been there for so long. But finally, the bell rang; and with immense relief, he traipsed down to the cafeteria to meet his friends.

“I don’t blame you,” Roman said when Patton had finished sharing today’s math class woes. They and Virgil were sitting together, eating lunch in the cafeteria. “When are you ever going to need to know how to calculate a third derivative?”

“Exactly,” Patton sighed, putting his head down on the cafeteria table. “But it’s required, for my major….”

“You—you could always ask Logan for help,” Virgil suggested after a moment. “He’s pretty good at math.”

“Uh, yeah, I sure hope he is,” Roman said, his tone of voice mimicking that of a certain well-known six-second-video. “He’s a math major.”

Patton shook his head, but he did so without lifting it off the table, so it was more like he just rolled it morosely from side to side. “I don’t wanna bother him. He’s still got his concussion thingy to deal with.”

“C’mon, Pat, it couldn’t hurt to ask,” Roman said. “Besides, he could do derivatives in his sleep. Concussion or not.”

Patton just let out a soft, extended whine. If he hadn’t still had his head down on the wooden table, he would have seen Virgil and Roman glance at each other.

He felt a gentle poke on the top of his head. “What’s up?” Virgil asked.

“He’s gonna think I’m dumb,” Patton mumbled.

“Why would he think that?” Roman sounded genuinely confused. Patton could hear Virgil’s chair creaking as he shifted.

“Because he already does,” he heard himself whine. He knew he should just stop talking, but… whoops.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Virgil argued.

At the same time, Roman said, “That’s preposterous!” He normally had a habit of pronouncing it like ‘perpostrous’, which annoyed Logan to no end. He was pretty sure Roman did it on purpose at this point, evidenced by the fact that he said it correctly this time, when Logan wasn’t there.

“Logan knows you’re not dumb,” Virgil continued. “And it’s not like he hasn’t helped you before. What’s up?”

Patton sighed, gathered his willpower, and lifted his head from the table, sitting up. “I… I guess you’re right,” he sighed. He forced his features into a meek smile. “Sorry, kiddos. I’m just tired.”

“That’s okay.” Roman said.

“I mean… I get it,” Virgil said quietly. “Logan’s got stuff to worry about already. But he’s getting better, isn’t he? He’s allowed to drive and use phones and everything again. And it’s—it’s like Ro said, the stuff you’re working on is easy for him. I’m not—I’m not saying it is easy,” he amended quickly, even though Patton hadn’t been offended. “Logan’s just….”

“A huge nerd?” Roman suggested.

“A huge nerd. In a good way. Not being like him doesn’t make someone dumb. And you—” he fixed Patton with such an intense stare that the sophomore actually shrank backwards a bit. “You. Are. Not. Dumb. Nobody thinks you are. Not me, not Roman, not Talyn or Joan… and Logan sure as heck doesn’t think you’re dumb either.”

“But….”

Virgil was clearly running out of steam (that still happened sometimes when he talked a lot, though he was getting better) so Roman jumped in.

“If we’re not allowed to talk bad about ourselves, neither are you.”

Patton looked at them both for a second. Virgil was chewing the corner of his bottom lip and Roman had half a piece of Crofter’s-covered toast forgotten in one hand, but both were looking at him intently.

“O-o-okay. You’re right. I just got a bit silly, I suppose. I don’t like not understanding things.”

“We know,” Roman said. “You could always get someone else to tutor you, but I’m sure Logan’ll help if you ask…. Where is he, anyway?” He frowned slightly, leaning away from the table to look around.

Patton searched the room for a moment too, then glanced at the Mickey Mouse watch on his wrist. Logan should definitely have been here by now, if he were coming.

Virgil briefly chewed his lip a bit more intensely than before, then stopped and opened his mouth. “He—could he be sick?”

Roman sighed. “Probably… I hope he’s okay. Logan never misses class.”

That was true. The first time any of them remembered Logan missing class had been when he’d gone to the hospital after his accident. Logan valued class attendance too highly, and he was religious about hygiene, so he rarely so much as caught a mild cold. Recently, though, things were different.

“Could be another doctor’s appointment,” Patton mused noncommittally.

“I thought he had one on Friday, though,” Virgil pointed out with a frown.

Roman shrugged. “He’s probably fine.” He set down the toast that he seemed to finally remember was in his hand. “I for one am just glad he’s taking care of himself.”

Virgil nodded in agreement. Patton took a sip from his drink and didn’t respond.

“Hey…uh, you’ve got an art class today, right?” Virgil asked, changing the subject.

Patton nodded, brightening. “I sure do!”

“What are you working on?”

Patton turned to grab a little sketchbook from his backpack and opened it up, showing Virgil a few sketches as he talked about his current project. He knew Virgil was trying to distract him. He let him do it.

...

Tag list: @patton-loves-coloring @starryfirefliesbloggo @purplesoul-at-hogwarts  @gaylotusthatexists @quoth-the-sparrow @awesomelissawho @amuthefunperson @faithfreedom @heck-im-lost @gayfandomsaremything @bunny222 @syndianites @astraastro @momolinia @captainswan618 @hamilin-manuel-miranda @goldenkiddos @afilhadehades-blog @virgeofselfdestruction @theresneverenoughfandoms @iris-sanders-athena @super-magical-wizard @rainbow-sides @thefallendog @fanficptsd @zodiac-awesome @lookitsthatquietgirl @nerd-in-space @pearls-of-patton @ab-artist @angered-turtle @im-so-infinitesimal @raygelkitty @dr-gloom @whats-going-on-kiddos @the-dumbster @oh-star-how-the-mighty-fall @fillyourteacup @kittiebrick @youtuberswithalex

[rhodesmystery]

um. smutfic. i joked about 3hrs but then got embarrassed about posting until i bought my vow hoodie from bungie and got such a rush and now here we are lmfao 

2.5k words of pwp. god bless. charlie x mc

Charlie finds her standing by the window. Not so unusual, all things considered. One of the first places he always thought to look, whenever they happened to be together. Something about staring out, letting her thoughts get away, eased her. He knew that much. 

However, Charlie had mostly found her clothed in the other times. Or as close to it. A shirt of his that was barely hiding anything wasn’t passable, and it wasn’t the first time he was thankful they had enchanted his windows to be one-way only. He didn’t want to think what would be said about some poor soul walking past and seeing Natasha the way she was. 

With a yawn, loud enough to alert her, and a roll of his shoulders, Charlie steps completely into the room. Mismatched, with parts kitchen, living and dining, all in one. Not that he minded, as it was his. Much like her, as he happily thought, when Natasha turned. Never a hint of sleepiness in her, with bright eyes and lips half turned up into a smile. Yeah, he knew she already knew that he was awake, but it was the entrance that mattered. Especially when he scratches his chest, stomach, only to rest his hand idly on his thigh.

“Morning.” Once, Natasha told him that she loved his voice in the morning. Didn’t tell him what exactly it was she loved, but he had made a note since then to take full advantage of it.

Natasha is surprisingly quiet with her response. A tumble of ‘morning’, that’s soft and private. Charlie might’ve thought something was wrong, if her eyes weren’t pointedly south. That gets a smile out of him.

“Thought you’d still be in bed.” Idle conversation, to fill the gap between him and her. Until he took those seven exact steps to stand before her. “Missed you.”

“Did you now?” Natasha is facing him now, and he can see his shirt was open, not even buttoned in some vague attempt for decency. Like this was some grand scheme of hers (and he was playing right into her hand). “I’m sorry.” Her lack of sincerity was hilarious, and his laughter was infectious, as she giggles to herself. Enough to distract him again. 

Charlie always liked her tits. Or, maybe he should call them breasts outright, to add some politeness to the conversation. But Natasha clasps her hands behind her back, purposely jutting them out at him, that he can see the swell of each, and how the shirt was barely holding on to cover her nipples. He was definitely going to commit this to memory.

“You should be.” Still trying to keep his tone vague. Not focus on how he could almost follow an arrow that pointed down, between her breasts, over her stomach. Like everything was shouting look at me, and he ate it up. Taking a lot for him not to just sink to his knees and eat her until she screamed his name. Forecast was telling him that was his immediate future.

With a fleeting look back at Natasha’s face, to gauge where she was at, Charlie gets a rather satisfied smile. Yeah, yeah, she read his thoughts, thought herself to be so smart about it too. Not like he wasn’t being obvious about it, cock at half mast already just thinking about her. Natasha, in his shirt, unbuttoned and open, and legs spread just enough, leaning against the window, a hand idly running down her front. Like he hadn’t already had that image in his mind since he’d walked out the bedroom.

“What ever can I do to make it up to you?” And the lines were corny, something out of the really bad movies she was fond of mimicking, except with the way she punctuates her words, making it different. Implications abound.

Charlie moves in a bit closer, a half step forward. Until there’s not else in his vision except her, her lips, her eyes, the spattering of freckles over her nose and the mismatched scars along her jaw. Practically swims in the green, noticing they were darker than any other day. And he loved why he knew that happened. Natasha kisses him, and it’s slow, deep, the only touch. Just the tilt of their heads, the slide of their tongues, and each other. Nothing more, nothing less.

Eventually, it’s his turn to make the move. And not to romanticise their positions, knight takes queen, pushing her against the window, pressing against her entirely. Never breaking the kiss, just hands trying to pull the shirt off, to find skin, only to end up with it tangled around her elbows. To trace along the curve of her spine as she arches into him. Natasha moans against his mouth, her nails burning into his shoulders, Charlie please. Please, the real magic word. Held a lot of weight, when applied properly. Like how it sits pleasantly on his head, as he begins a trail down.

Soft kisses, trying to catch every inch he could. Charlie could never tire of this, even if he knew how embarrassed she got. How she insisted on reciprocating. Not that he minded that outcome, of course, but there was something to be said for how Natasha’s face would look, when he looked up at her. Always partway there to covering her mouth, eyes heavy and hair a mess. Chest heaving, and a flush that coloured her pink. He didn’t know how many times he was up to, with calling her beautiful, but he was bound to crack a thousand eventually, surely. 

Natasha just snorts, trying to play off her embarrassment. Hand on his head, edging him down further. Charlie can only grin, kneeling as comfortably as he could, hands on her thighs. Encourages her wider for him, further still. Fingers tease her nipples, and Charlie can only savour the first strong lick in response. 

Something almost like a hiccup escapes her, and Natasha visibly shudders. With two fingers, Charlie parts her lips, and finds exactly what he wants. What he knew would have her all but shake on him. Charlie sucks, nips, laves her clit with attention, trying desperately to keep his eyes closed, but unable to stop from looking up. He loves when she looks like that, flustered and letting control go. 

Fingers that had spread her move to touch, to feel. Dragging across her seam, barely pressing against her. Charlie has to stop from smiling, when he feels the telltale buck as with one finger, he drives in a little further, but never quite enough. So soon? he thinks, but doesn’t complain. Not like he wasn’t in the same boat. At that thought, Charlie runs a hand over himself, pulling away from her clit only to look down, notice he was leaking. 

Not that he wanted to hurry, but with another twist of his wrist against his cock, he turns back. Ah well, he could make it up to her later. 

Tongue pressing against her, Charlie edges in. The slick sounds, normally off-putting in any other circumstance, always made Natasha a little weaker in the knees. Or it might’ve just been his good work, as she’s saying his name, muffled only by the sleeve of the shirt. Fingers circle her clit, and his free hand pulls at her cheek, massaging, spreading. A barely there teasing touch, against her ass, until he leans back again. 

Switching hands, replacing tongue with fingers, Charlie turns to watching her carefully. How her face may contort into something other than pleasure, when he presses one finger in. Slow, turning, brushing along her inner walls. Last night she’d mentioned that she was sore, a little more than usual. Perhaps Natasha knew what he was looking for, in how she meets his eye entirely, whispering his name as a second finger joins the first. No outward signs of discomfort, especially not when her fingers twist in his hair, tugging strands with a certain amount of force.

“Feels good?” Charlie has to ask, anyway. Can’t help himself. 

Natasha huffs, sending hair flying up. “Yes, Charlie, Merlin’s beard, if you don’t make me come, I swear—”

Even though he’s laughing, he cuts her off. One somewhat satisfied customer then. Curls his fingers, thumb pressing against her clit, and laves attention on what skin he could find with his tongue. Scissors his fingers, free hand perhaps the only thing holding her upright as she all but presses her weight down on his shoulders. From how she bent over him, Charlie could hear her whispers clearer, her pleads. 

Nope, not letting go until she’d come, good and hard. She's shuddering, Charlie yes please right there god yes. Charlie knew about the muggle god that her father’s family worshipped. It was oddly satisfying to hear that name mix in with his, to the point where he didn’t know who was who, as he pumped his fingers in and out of her. 

Natasha comes with a low, long moan. Not her first orgasm, no sir, but definitely one that has her lock up and quiver all at once. Charlie rides her through it, slow circles drawn out, just how she liked. Knew exactly where to touch, where to hold, as she comes down. Time isn’t a concept, as Natasha struggles to push herself back up, eventually leans against the window for support.

And then she says: “You’ve gotten better at that.” As if she’s not heaving in air, sensitivity overloading with how Charlie can’t seem to run a hand up her legs without her nearly giving out.

“I’ve had practice,” is what he says instead. If only because he’s getting a kick out of how he splays his fingers over her stomach, and she has to close her eyes. Bite her lip. 

Puffs of air that resemble try to resemble a laugh leaver her. “Oh, really? What’s her name?” Natasha tries to keep the conversation light and teasing, but Charlie knew. Probably a light draft would have her tumble over once again, if aimed right.

“Natasha. You probably don’t know her. Great gal. Fantastic tits.”

When she laughs, it’s the best sound Charlie had heard in months. Head thrown back, genuine kind of laugh, that ignores the situation and encompasses it all at once. Natasha grins, slack and easy, running a finger over his lips. Charlie chases it, nibbling on the tip, which earns him a pointed look. One he was quite happy to keep around. 

Leaning in, Natasha kisses him. Hot and wet, far too much tongue, and he knows that she can taste herself. The knot in his stomach tightens, acutely aware of how he was running warmer than usual. Along her lower back, Charlie drags his nails, finds her hips. Palms her into turning around, breaking the kiss despite her noise of disapproval. And he might’ve told her that if she just asked him to come on command, he would’ve then and there, except Charlie manages to get her with her back to him, hands firmly planted on the window. 

As Charlie rights himself, one hand firmly stroking his cock as he lines himself up, does he notice how Natasha turns to look over her shoulder. As if regaining some bravado in that moment, she smirks, wiggles her hips. 

“This is new for you.” 

With a snort, Charlie can only settle for giving her ass a light slap. “Shut up.” Perhaps he was a little mollified. Not to say that he was the most adventurous, as he knew he wasn’t and more often than not blushed his way into Natasha all but dominating. Definitely not his fault that he was far more favourable of the lower end of the scale. 

Fine, fine. If she was going to be all smarmy about him branching out, then he'd show her! As long as he could figure out how to stop his ears from burning as he eased his way in. Charlie moans, as she's twitchy and wet around his cock, not helping how Natasha pushes up onto her toes, fingers pressed against the glass. With a few blinks, Charlie is able to see just how the glass steamed in front of her, with every breath she took.

“I’m gonna move.”

“Thank god.”

Chuckles dissolve into pitches in breathing. Like there was just not enough oxygen in the room, and Charlie was definitely a little dizzy, enamoured, whatever, when he grips her hips and pulls her back to meet his thrust. Pushes a hand up, moving the damned shirt up with it, following the arch of her back. Until he lets it fall back again, settling for her shoulder to hold instead. 

Natasha isn’t quiet. Not by a long shot. Settled for thanking her later that she’d been the one to soundproof the house on her arrival. Faster harder Charlie pleasepleaseplease. And he tries to keep up what she’s saying, how he lets go of her hip to palm his way to her front. Find her clit and rub at it furiously, which does nothing except have her cover a moan with her arm. Even as she twitches, tries to pull away, tries to keep meeting him thrust for thrust, Charlie keeps at it. Nothing if not consistent. One of her hands joins his, Natasha’s fingers slipping along his, brushing what was exposed of his cock as he continued to move inside her. 

It's when he presses his forehead between her shoulder blades, does Charlie struggle. Hand slipping from her shoulder, he finds her hand against the window, threading fingers and gripping until his knuckles turn white. Embarrassingly so, holding her firmly against him as he comes. Moans against her skin, something that was definitely her name if a little garbled, until she follows only seconds later. 

Charlie doesn’t know how to move. Limbs felt heavy and light all at once, as if he moved even one foot, he’ll just fall flat on his face, either way. Blinking, the world doesn't stop spinning. Not yet, but he gingerly slides himself out. Regrettably, and “sorry,” when he spies the telltale spill begin to trail down her thighs. Too bad he was tired, or it might’ve been able to roll him into action, strangely so (except, he was acutely aware that his lower half was almost numb, brain fuzzy, eyes only trying to find her face).

As she turns, Natasha faces him with heavily lidded eyes, and a very pleased smile. “It’s fine.” But she’s leaning against the window, as if she didn’t trust her own legs too. With a blush that spread to the tops of her breasts, hair mussed and eyes dark, Charlie knew she was beautiful. And told her just that.

Eventually, she slides down, landing on the ground with a grunt. Charlie follows suit, wobbly and flushed, bumping shoulders when he’s beside her. Natasha kicks a leg over his, idly playing with what he could now consider her shirt, until she pulls it up and holds it at her front. Tilting his head back, Charlie closes his eyes, finds her hand, and squeezes it fiercely. 

For several minutes they sit just so. Until, with a sigh, Natasha rolls her head towards him. “Want breakfast?”

Charlie grins, one that slowly builds, that doesn’t even try to hide what he was going to say next. Opening one eye, he looks at her. “I already ate.”

[zenosanalytic]

HSE 4/20/19 6

Alright; had a busy day yesterday but I’m back at it for a bit, at least:

MEAT 11

I wonder if John having trouble yelling in this place means it’s separated him from “Breath” in some way. I don’t think it does since there’s obvsl light and space in this location, but neither Rose nor Jade seem to be able to use their abilities, either(and, ofc, no one is suffocating). It could be that being “inside”(?) the JuJu suppresses abilities(since John COULD use his from the White Space, so this space has different properties). Within it they’re outside of canon, but their powers work just fine on EarthC, so that can’t be it. Myb it separates them from the metaphysical(which would be why no time exists there since it’s by nature a metaphysical abstraction or derivative), while still possessing physical qualities(like atmosphere, space, form, light, etc). Or it could just be power-suppression.

Also: we’re all in agreement they’re arranged in the four sections of the logo, like oh so many fanarts of the past, right?

Did John really hang around with Terezi enough to feel this deeply about her, or have such a well-formed opinion? I suppose how one feels about another isn’t so much a question of time as impact though. she DID

Badgerflirt him to death in another timeline

lead him partway through an Epic Quest which gave him a Cool Rocketpack in his personal timeline

give him an Epic Quest to Hateflirt with her throughout her life, then die dramatically before him, all as part of a plan to get him to save his and her shared friend’s life by punching her in her stupid face.

and John is 1)pretty perceptive and 2)prone to strong immediate judgements, so I suppose it fits.

Also This:

is just a Gr8 description of Terezi and I Love It uwu

Though at the same time: imagining that some friend is totally awesome and lacking in flaws and difficulties of their own, which would allow them to fix YOUR problems easily if they’d been around, is not terribly healthy, and also a subtle way to beat yourself up (:( (:(

MEAT 12

Ok, so this is the infamous Jade Quote section.

I actually don’t mind it. In context, I think it’s fine and totally works; yes, it’s way too forward and groanworthy, but it’s meant to be as the whole purpose/arc of this section is Jade trying to goad Dave and Karkat into facing emotions&desires which they’re repressing&avoiding for reasons of anxiety&(understandable)fears of vulnerability/loss/hurt. And also Jade’s generally been pretty straight-forward and blunt(while still repressing and hiding alot herself) since her dreamself’s death(which is it’s own thing. Like: Yes, I do think this section is also meant to show some of Jade’s issues, even if it’s presenting Jade as being more aware, active, and dynamic than Dave and Karkat here).

Like: Dave and Karkat are deeply important to one another, they bring a lot of happiness into each others lives, and they also carry around alot of trauma specifically related to intimacy and cohabitation and emotional honesty which obvsl causes them lots of anxiety and makes opening up to other people, ESPECIALLY physically, really fucking scary. And, both of them being super-avoidant and prone to passive support in certain respects(by which I mean: they avoid talking about uncomfortable stuff, and support others by trying to be available and distracting rather than facing the problem, then brushing off their support as “the natural thing” or actually not support), means that, absent outside meddling, they’ll both basically just swirl around each other comfortably flirting forever, never taking a chance on pursuing anything more they might want. Which isn’t to say nonsexual relationships are bad or anything, they’re not, and neither is it “bad” that they’ve kept their rom til now nonsexual, or even, necessarily, that they’ve allowed it to exist without labeling it “love” or “romance”; those choices are the choices that were comfortable and safe and non-stressful for them, they had every right to make them, and that they live together without stress or conflict is proof that they were “good” ones. But at the same time: there’s a big distance between a healthy, long term, asexual relationship, and one where the participants desire one another, but their anxieties and hangups prevent sexual exploration, let alone (and more importantly)deeper emotional honesty and intimacy. Particularly when that goes to the point of actively excluding one member because of their unwillingness to pretend those, difficult to face and process, feelings aren’t there.

And yes, Jade’s def going about this a bit too head-on and too bluntly, this really is a subject that ought to be worked through sensitively and slowly, but

I sense from the writing that this is meant to be taken as just the lastest(and perhaps exasperated?) step in a long, long process of her trying to engage them on how she feels for them and how she (correctly, I think)thinks they feel for her

Jade’s own issues predispose her towards such approaches

Jade doesn’t like dealing honestly with introspection and the more “down” emotions any more than John does, but the way she handles them is not through denial and feigned ignorance, but rather Suppression and trying to bury them with Happiness and Enthusiasm. This is part of why Jade, despite her intelligence and power, usually tries to solve problems by barrelling through them, getting between them, or overpowering them(much like she tries to Math and Logic her way through this particular conversation; steamrolling Dave with her Rightness and Verve rather than the sort of [painful and exhausting]genuine emotional engagement that could actually generate a constructive response[see: his talk with Dirk in the Endgame]), rather than working/thinking around/through them. She’s not the type to walk a maze; she’s the type to smash it’s walls down. And that’s what she’s trying to do here. She’s tried, for a decade, to talk through these issues with them, or perhaps instigate an Encounter(though she’s always been a bit messy, so I dont read her bras being all over the couch as being attempted seduction as Dave does here[if I’m reading the narration right]. Possibly territory marking, though, which could be described as adjacent?).

HAVING SAID ALL THAT:

I totally get the frustration and anger at the first we see of Jade being about sex, romance, and other people. Jade’s been given a super raw deal by HS canon; her WHOLE STORYLINE since Cascade has been entirely about other people, and specifically her responding to/dealing with/interpreting for other people re: her romantic relationships&feelings; and to see her agency, yet again, getting expressed entirely through romance, to see her again for the first time in a context that presents her as exclusively or primarily concerned with relationships and sex, is pretty galling. One could certainly offer psychological explanations rooted in isolation for all this but the fact was This Was a Narrative Choice. It was a narrative choice to leave her in canon at a unsolicited kiss, and a narrative choice to reintroduce her in the Epilogues through an attempt to talk Dave and Karkat into dating her; literally presenting her sexuality as preeminent within her characterization in the work. There’s a hell of a lot more to her than that; she was never really presented as especially interested in physical intimacy in canon despite the prominence relationship and attraction was given in her arc; and I can totally understand ppl reading it as yet another example of Jade’s story being about dudes rather than her.

ok, think I’m going to stop there today.

[swampgallows]

therapy today went okay but i feel like i talked too much lmfao. i passed out around like 10pm and now im awake again and uhh hmmm ngngngghghhhmhm

also she asked me like “find out what you wanna get out of therapy and then we can set some goals” lmao i wanna GET FIXED 

i dunno if i am actually mentally ill or if it’s just my mom/environment or if i’m neurodivergent somehow or if i need medication or whatever the fuck it is, i just know that it’s not normal to feel okay one day and then have some minor thing happen that catapults me into feeling suicidal. im doing better lately but that’s why i signed up for therapy NOW because i know when im feeling good i get this delusion of like “haha see i never needed it at all :)” and then some little fucking thing happens (or nothing happens) and suddenly i cant get out of bed for three days. i told her that i think it’s more than my environment because even when i was busy at work and even when i was busy and away from home in college i had extremely persistent and severe depression, got into several different overlapping abusive relationships, nearly failed my classes one semester, and then i got hit by a car, was in a wheelchair for 6 months, then had our car hit by a semi immediately afterward. it’s time for new glasses btw lmao as i am still wearing the same pair that got scratched to shit and annihilated in the accident. lmfao The Accident™

this is a pic of them from the night of the accident and the scratches have only gotten worse. id take a new pic but im in bed in the dark and whatever

the therapist seemed impressed with my psychology knowledge which was kind of discomforting, in a way. i guess im just so used to my own situation and people utilizing the internet to learn about their own head cases that i dont consider it novel to have actually done research. also because with my other experiences i felt like doctors would be dismissive of me as if i was trying to one-up them or something, like “well -I- have the degree and YOU dont” like, well yeah, im not sitting here trying to correct you but i am gonna use the terminology im familiar with even if theyre super special SAT words or w/e (like i’m gonna say shit like “comorbid” and “hypnagogic” because that’s the terminology i use all the time to describe these situations... i throw out “5 dollar words” all the time :\) but i think maybe by also having a video/verbal conversation w me that she knows i’m not sitting there meticulously typing up the most fancy schmancy shit i can find, flippin through a thesaurus like a blood elf nobleman vampire’s purple prose or somethin.

i guess what i wanna get out of therapy is uh

1. i dont want to be suicidal, which means 2. i have to build confidence, which means 3. i have to become self-reliant, or more self-reliant than i am.

she suggested, on the grounds of my mom giving me interrogation any time i try to go out on my own (hence me only feeling comfortable to go out when i fucking sneak out of the house or on the VERY rare occasions that she isn’t home) that i have a written list that i either give to her personally or write out and leave for her to read at her leisure of all the answers to her questions: where ive gone, when i’ll be back, what i’m doing, etc. the problem is coming home, though, because then she reads me the riot act of guilt on anything i did. if i go out and get food, it becomes about her. if i go out and do an errand, it becomes about her. everything i do somehow falls back on her. 

i explained to the therapist that even when i was still working—a perfect chance to learn to drive and drive regularly—i took the bus the entire time. but i’d have to be driven TO the bus stop and then take the bus to work, which meant my mom drove me to the bus every day. and my dad would talk about how good it was for MY MOM to have a reason to get up in the morning, and that it’s good for her because it gives her a kind of schedule or obligation to follow. so then like... my schedule now becomes HER schedule. and i martyr my potential independence of driving to work on my own in order to give my mom a sense of purpose. 

so...every day, mom picked me up from the bus stop, just like she had been for all the years i was in school. of course i never went out and did anything after (or before!) work; i never had the freedom. sure i could tell my mom partway through the day if i was staying late or going somewhere else, but my work was also in the middle of a canyon, five miles of nothing in either direction. if i missed the bus home, i wouldnt have another chance to go home for another hour. so having buses come only once an hour and then also having my mom waiting for me at the stop... it was just too much trouble to say like “hm i think i’ll go grab a smoothie before work” or “maybe i’ll hang with my coworkers a bit and go grab dinner with them” or “maybe i’ll start going to the gym after work”. i couldnt make any executive decisions about my own life. i think that restriction of freedom happens for lower income people too, since youre relying on a (notoriously shitty) bus service to get anywhere and you also cant just throw money around that often. i had a little slush fund to treat myself every so often but i didnt have the access to it. 

EVERY day that i was 20 minutes away from the stop i would have to text my mom the name of the stop (imagine, if it were “maple street” or something, my entire text message history with my mom just being “maple” “k” “maple” “k” back and forth for months) in case she had fallen asleep or was doing something, as the bus would sometimes be late or early or whatever. and sometimes i would delay that text on purpose to have the extra time to buy something from one of the fast food places located at my bus stop, then hide it in the bottom of my bag and hope it wasn’t too aromatic that my mom would notice and ask me about it. 

BECAUSE if i bought food on a day she made dinner, she would flagellate herself about it, and if i bought food on a day that she DIDNT make dinner she would flagellate herself about it. it’s HER FAULT because she doesn’t make food enough that i have to go buy my own :((((, so the one time she does cook i’m already getting food because she’s unreliable :((((, and shit like that, instead of like, just because there IS food doesn’t...mean anything!!!!! maybe i just wanted a certain kind of food that day!! But it becomes about her!!!! everything i do hurts her. everything i do. so i just got adjusted to just... not eating, or eating the same things over and over. eventually, when i was still working, i would eat nothing but a muffin until i came home. and if there was food, i would eat it, and if there wasn’t, then i wouldn’t eat. many nights i went to bed without eating even if there WAS food because i was just so fucking tired.

i dunno i kinda lost my train of thought but basically it’s hard to assert myself because i’m not confident because a lot of the time i dont know if im doing something right. it reminds me a lot of the scene in tangled where rapunzel fucks up and something bad happens to her and her mom catches her in the act, and she uses that to reinforce rapunzel’s dependence on her. like obviously my mom isn’t abusive like that but it makes me afraid to fail and even MORE afraid to even try, because i know that if i DO fail--whatever it is--it will just be more evidence for why i should have just asked her or had her do it. and more evidence, to me, of why im worthless and shitty and incapable of doing anything.

like the other day my mom wanted me to follow her in a separate car to a car place to drop off the car she was driving, and then we’d go home together in one car. but she wanted me to do it at 9 in the fucking morning and let me know two days beforehand. i had been going to BED at like 7am at the time so i was already like ‘man this is gonna suck’. but i was still up in the morning and was getting ready to take a shower, iw as on time, but my mom said “i can tell how tired you are and how nervous you are about doing this so you know what dont worry about it. go back to bed.” and it was really shitty for me because YEAH i was super tired and YEAH i didnt feel like i was capable of driving by myself at that moment, like i probably COULD HAVE if it were an emergency, but my mom talked about doing all this shit afterward like going on a shopping trip and stuff and BASICALLY it’s less that i was afraid of the driving but more that i knew the errand wouldn’t end there. and i had gotten zero sleep and just didnt wanna fucking do it, i didnt wanna have a “girl time :)” outing with my mom, and i knew i’d basically get trapped into hanging out with my mom if i went. so i stayed home. but then that’s also a blow to me because stupid fucking worthless idiot that i am cant even drive ten miles in a fucking car, or whatever, useless leech living with my parents contributing nothing, unemployed for a year, blah blah blah. stupid fucking neet should have never been born etc etc etc

she took an uber home and had glowing reviews about the experience and that’s great for her but the guilt made me throw up because i couldnt even do this minuscule thing. so like, if i DO hand her a note and say “here’s all the shit im going to do, BUH BYE” and some shit happens, or i dont get what i need done, or i dont have a fully developed plan of what i’m doing, then it’s gonna be more ammunition toward what a useless piece of shit i am. like, i dont have good food to eat at the house, but i also have NO APPETITE so nothing sounds good, so i cant even think of what foods i would get if i could. it’s such a jarring opportunity that i would just like...not get anything at all and go home. even when i -did- have the opportunity i just went “Uhh umm uhhh fuck uhhh milk” and got that (AND THEN MY MOM CAME HOME W 2 GALLONS OF MILK FROM COSTCO, SO OF COURSE I -DID SOMETHING WRONG-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I JUST LEFT IT UP TO HER INSTEAD OF DARING TO DO SOMETHING MYSELF I WOULDNT HAVE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND ENDED UP WITH 3 GALLONS OF MILK AT THE HOUSE) of course i drank the milk i bought, it’s not like it went to waste, but i was CAUGHT because there were now THREE instead of the one gallon covertly getting replaced. instead of me doing something helpful i did something that became an inconvenience.

it’s just little shit but it all adds up. it’s been all of these little fucking things forever and ever and ever, just like my mom’s hoarded garbage. “i bought just a couple of things”, innumerable times throughout the duration of my entire life, forever and ever, “just a few small things” over and over until it’s suffocating.  it’s just all this little shit all the fucking time and it’s suffocating.

naturally, the therapist sent me an article on “daughters of narcissistic mothers”. this will be a delight to read, i’m sure.

[mollydollyjournals]

What to do. Executive dysfunction is strong. I'm starting therapy next Friday not tomorrow, which is annoying because getting to tomorrow is difficult enough let alone next week. Also I have some social stuff happening next weekend so in terms of stuff to break up the time and keep me going, I really could have done with something this week and I wont need anything else next week. But that's life I guess. Just like buses.

Today though. Now. I still don't know. My giant old man cat is asleep next to me. I want to get him out of the room so I can smoke but I dont want to disturb him. And my cats are about all the physical contact I get these days. Sometimes when I kick him out he brings a toy mouse to my bedroom door then sits there meowing until I let him back in. He already has abandonment issues from a previous owner. We really are alike.

I started watching Crash Course on youtube again and I'm partway through the psychology playlist. Unsurprisingly I skipped ahead after a point so I could go straight to mental disorders. I could keep going through that but I guess it depends on whether I want to think about all that stuff in abstract. I could watch the AI series. Learn about AI somewhere else. Or cybernetics. Look into studying it for real, but that feels pointless knowing I cant actually commit to a study program right now. Finish the K drama I'm watching. Start another one. Rewatch Avatar, again. Rewatch Berserk, again. Practise drawing. Paint something, probably digitally since I cba to deal with cleaning up real paints. Watch any of the movies that have been on my watch list forever since I dont remember the last time I watched a movie. Evangelion 3+1, The Fall, the last season of Vikings since I havent watched that. Try to find something to read that'll hold my interest. More memoirs? I wish Nagata Kabi had more stuff out. Write my own? Pointless if it's not to be published and read. Might as well vent my bits and pieces here and in my sketchpads like usual.

I need to do multiple things at once as well. Draw and watch, something like that. Draw and play music? Is that enough to stop me thinking? Fuck knows. I hate my brain.

[wendyimmiller]

More native musings

Fossil records show ginkgo was once found on the land mass now called North America. Does that make it native?

I’m encouraged by Tony Avent’s recent piece on the native plant debate to address a couple of points, actually open-ended questions, that may inspire more thought on this volatile issue. My hope is that it leads to more collaboration on creating more wildlife habitat, surely a mutual goal with broad support.

Plant lush layers of mannerly plants that provide good habitat, native or not.

Let me attempt to fend off the usual character assassinations that are often the result of any appeal to reconsider the idea that only native plants are “good”. I love wild things, wild areas, and embrace the Gaia principle. Nothing in the world suits me as well as taking a long ramble through the wild areas near my home. I’ve done it since I was a little tomboy, when my mother’s only rule was that I had to be home by the time the automatic security light near the barn came on at dusk. It was also my mother’s guidance that taught me to look. She was an artist when she wasn’t running our farm and she taught me to appreciate the many shades of green, the play of light and shadow, and the patterns to be seen in bark, branches and the wings of birds and dragonflies.

Chinese abelia: a long-blooming, fragrant, low maintenance shrub that provides abundant nectar for our pollinators.

When I bought my 100 acres of rough, recently timbered (and thus cheap) land, someone asked me what I intended “to do” with such a large wild property. “Look at it while it grows,” was my answer…and so it continues, though these days my knees ache, my hip twinges, and I may have to stop and catch my breath partway up a steep slope. I will roam it as long as my legs will carry me.

In all weather but hard driving rain, I look at plants, birds, reptiles, amphibians, soil, sky, insects, mushrooms, spider webs, and changes in light. I wonder, and ponder, form questions, and make connections and have revelations. I read, and research and gain from others’ knowledge and thoughts. Slowly, happily, I learn.

So when I began to hear about Doug Tallamy’s assertions that insects had to have native plants to eat, or our birds would die and so on up the food chain, I was puzzled. I saw many insects eating the foliage of non-native plants – in the wild, on the neighboring farms, in my yard, and on the plants in our display gardens at work. Many of the questions I had fielded as a horticulturist dealt with recommendations on how to deal with insects eating people’s plants, most of them, especially in the edible realm, non-native. It seemed to me that numerous denizens of the natural world had made very good use of many introduced plants.

This monarch feeds readily on the lush balloon plant, a member of the milkweed family that happens to hail from Africa.

I also saw many natives that were untouched by insects. Anisetree comes to mind as I have often commented, that the attractive smell of the foliage must not translate to flavor because I have never seen any insect damage on the leaves. Does that make this native plant a “bad” landscape plant, though it provides cover, and anchors soil, as many plants do. Must every plant have foliage that offers insect sustenance? In the wild, that does not seem to be the case.

And, many nativists will make some allowance for those non-native plants that do produce foliage eaten by insects.  Oh yes, they agreed, there are “generalist” insects that will chow down on some non-native plant foliage, but the “specialist” insects will not.

A prime example of a specialist insect is the monarch butterfly, a lovely poster child. Monarch caterpillars will feed only on plants in the milkweed family. This statement is 100% true. It does not, however, disclose that there are many members of the milkweed family, Asclepiadaceae, that are found on other continents and that serve beautifully as monarch caterpillar forage.

  Fennel, not native, makes a fantastic food source for black swallowtail butterflies.

Each spring, we grow balloon plant Gomphocarpus physocarpus (from southern Africa) from seed for just that purpose. A perennial plant in Zone 8, we treat it as an easily grown annual, and sell it in our plant sales in inexpensive six-packs. Our shoppers have learned to value the tall fast-growing plant that provides enough generous willowy foliage to support numerous monarch caterpillars. We plant them in our display gardens here on the research center along with native milkweeds, several species close by, but these smaller perennial plants are susceptible to crippling infestations of aphids and the leaves are often insufficient to support more than a handful of the little munchers. Often I have carried the demonstrably hungry caterpillars in my hand to the billowing masses of balloon plant where they can continue their caterpillar phase with plenty to eat. If it were not for this “introduced exotic” we would not be nearly as successful at providing for the monarchs.

Another “crop” of monarchs raised on non-native plants as evidenced by this chrysalis ready to burst forth with winged glory.

  It is of course, quite understandable that they make use of this plant. Anyone of reason understands that the continents we know now were not always distinct separated bodies of land; that many populations of plants, once divided by ocean’s rise, evolved to be only somewhat different. The human (somewhat admirable) need to establish some since of order and understanding created and imposed classifications of these plant families, enough sometimes to be classified as different genera or species, but essentially, at a molecular level, they are still the same plant once in the belly of the insect that could care less that it was not found on this continent…

      Aristolochia fimbriata is a pipevine species native to south America, but these pipevine caterpillars don’t discriminate against those south of the border (like some do!)

…or was it, at one time? When I bring up the concept of native to my woody plant classes, I like to pose this question. We know from fossil record that dawn redwood Metasequoia glyptostroboides and ginkgo Ginkgo biloba were once found on the land mass we now call North America, but were wiped out by ice ages. Now that we can purchase these plants in nurseries and plant them successfully in our landscapes, are we bringing back a native, or are we introducing an exotic?

When you plant a dawn redwood, are you restoring a lost native?

If one were to say it is an exotic because it wasn’t on this continent when “we arrived”, I can only raise my eyebrows at the arrogance. Who are we to choose that tiny speck of time, legitimized only because it happened to be the plant palette that was here when the first European set boot on the continent? That move introduced the most invasive species ever, the European settler. Who among us will volunteer to clear out, along with kith and kin and return this land to the “natives” (the human species, who by the way, crossed over on Berengia, the Siberian “land bridge” from Asia).

Native is a moving target. Look at what might happen if we pass laws that dictate that we plant only natives and that mandate removal of all non-natives. Where do we draw the line? Is my grandmother’s gardenia contraband? The daffodil bulbs from my other grandmother? Will I be required to rip out my small orchard of apples, pears and figs? Are edibles exempt? What about the crabapples that serve as great pollinators for my apples?

I say we’d do better to bond over using plants that create good habitat, minimize pesticide use, and conserve water and soil. I’m on the Tony team.

Of course, plant some, many, a lot of great natives as well, like this Henry Eilers rudbeckia.

More native musings originally appeared on GardenRant on February 28, 2019.

from Gardening https://www.gardenrant.com/2019/02/more-native-musings.html via http://www.rssmix.com/

[apostleshop]

Don't Forget to Say Thank You Book Club: Chapters 1 - 5

Great News has been shared on https://apostleshop.com/dont-forget-to-say-thank-you-book-club-chapters-1-5/

Don't Forget to Say Thank You Book Club: Chapters 1 - 5

Welcome to the CatholicMom.com Book Club! We’re reading Don’t Forget to Say Thank You by Lindsay Schlegel.

The subtitle of this book drew me in right away: “And Other Parenting Lessons that Brought Me Closer to God.” I am a parent, and it is a humbling, humbling experience, let me tell you. Well, you may know that already based on your own journey! We’re all in this together, yes?

Even if you are not a parent, you are likely reading this book because you would like to draw closer to God. We’re all in that together, too. And Lindsay Schlegal does a beautiful job of sharing wisdom with us both on growing in our faith and on growing as a parent. For each chapter, she provides us with a lesson she has learned from her own parenting experiences, her personal thoughts and anecdotes, reflection questions, a prayer, and a friend in the communion of saints that we can call on for this particular lesson.

We begin with a lesson on paying attention, which in parenting-speak goes something like: “How Many Times Have I Told You This?” I relate to this particular parenting frustration quite a bit, as it seems to me that, especially with my twelve-year-old, I can repeat something multiple times and yet he will still claim to have no earthly idea what I asked of him, yet he will somehow manage to overhear a whispered conversation between my husband and I while we are driving on the highway with the radio playing loudly. Selective hearing is a powerful thing, it seems.

Lindsay relates this lesson on paying attention to allowing our minds to wander at Mass. Uh oh, did you get a pit in your stomach when you read that part the way that I did? Apparently, it is no different for adults than it is for children!

“I hear that I should not worry about what I will eat or wear — simply look at how the birds or the lilies are cared for — but I make a mental grocery list anyway … I hear that I just love my enemies and forgive more times than I can count, but instead I rehash that conversation that upset me and imagine what I should have said.” (pp. 2-3)

Remember what I said about humility at the start of this post? Check! I become frustrated with my son for not listening, yet I do the exact same thing to my Father. Lindsay also points out that even if we manage to put our mental grocery list aside for the duration of the homily, we need to do more than simply *hear* the message at Mass. We need to *listen*, and listening is an active exercise that requires a response. To manage this successfully, our hearts need to be ready to embrace the message.

If we attend Mass with a decided lack of enthusiasm, and sit distractedly during the liturgy, making no effort to steal meaningful moments of focus between minding our children, it is no wonder that we leave Mass just as emotionally drained as when we went in.

“If this is all I’m putting into Mass, it shouldn’t be too surprising that I’m not getting much out of it.” (p. 4).

Our Father wants and deserves our attention, so that He can guide and correct us. St. Joseph, pray for us in this endeavor!

In chapter 2, we move on to a lesson in obedience, and our parental shout-out is: “Stop Whining.” Oh boy. This is going to be another humble moment, isn’t it?

Indeed it is, my friends! Lindsay relates a story about her sons in which they committed to karate classes, but then lost the motivation to continue attending partway through the year. She encouraged them to persevere, because it is important to finish out our commitments, but also because the classes and discipline enforced therein were beneficial for their physical health and moral character. They may not realize this as they sit sulkily in the car on the way to class, but it is the case nonetheless.

“Just like my children, I fail to see the bigger picture. I’d rather stew in my frustrations than extend forgiveness when I’m hurt … the little things in my life can seem as if they don’t have a place in the larger story of salvation. I imagine that to me they are infuriating, but that Jesus doesn’t care about them. He’s got bigger fish to fry, and my details are insignificant, unimportant. The Cross is one thing; my life is another.” (p. 13)

Lindsay makes the excellent point that God uses *everything* for good, even the minor challenges and annoyances in our lives! We too do not need to sulk about our frustration with the fact that certain things in our lives are not turning out the way that we planned.

“When through his grace I choose to be obedient to his call, the discipline I undertake prepares me for further challenges.” (p. 13)

I absolutely love this conclusion! When things outside of our control swoop in to dash our plans to smithereens, we can either wallow in our own bad temper, or we can choose to trust in God’s plan for our lives, and discipline ourselves to take the correct and logical course of action, as directed by the moral compass of our faith. We need to do this on a daily basis, but on a larger scale, Lindsay points out that Advent and Lent are excellent opportunities to grow in discipline and obedience. Our Blessed Mother can be our guide during these times as we try to grow in character and holiness!

In chapters 3 and 4, containing lessons on “On Accepting Our Crosses” and “On the Power of Prayer,” Lindsay shares her own personal and painful experience with pregnancy loss. She and her husband lost their unborn child to miscarriage, and the emotional toll on both of them was understandably significant. As our parenting cue for chapter 3 instructs, “No One Said it Would be Fair.” Indeed, life is not always fair, and at times, it can be difficult to bear. When something tragic happens to ourselves or someone we love, it is easy to let hurt and anger reign in our hearts.

“Holiness is determined not by which cards you’re dealt, but by how you choose to play your hand.” (p. 26)

Instead of dwelling in our own devastation, we can choose to move forward in love. This is never going to be easy, nor is it something we’re likely to succeed at with 100% accuracy, but it is what will ultimately bring us peace and healing.

“… fairness isn’t what we need. Love is what we need. Often that means taking action, making things happen, and serving others.” (p. 28)

Prayer should be our constant companion during times of great turmoil, and Lindsay recommends St. Anthony as our intercessor in the communion of saints when we find this task difficult. As the patron of lost things, he can help us to find again our hope and faith in the Lord. This is brilliant; I love St. Anthony in this variation on his role!

Finally, Lindsay leads us through a lesson on caring for our bodies. It is important to “Eat Your Dinner”! As parents, we tend to neglect our own needs when we are caring for others. We should not lose sight, however, of the fact that caring for our own nourishment and physical wellness is not mere vanity. It is a way to strengthen ourselves and allow our bodies to do what they were meant to do.

“When I changed what I was putting in, I changed what I was giving out. I was more patient with the kids and happier in my own skin.” (p. 42)

Serving others is another way of drawing closer to God. In order to serve most effectively, we need to take care of ourselves. St. John Paul II can be our guide in this, as he wrote extensively on the Theology of the Body. He is the perfect intercessor for our own need for physical wellness!

Instead of dwelling in our own devastation, we can choose to move forward in love. -@TifWalsh Click To Tweet

To Ponder, Reflect, and Discuss:

What are some ways that we can be proactive in preventing our own mental distractions at Mass, and thus more clearly listen for God’s voice?

Have you had an instance of redemptive suffering in your life in which you grew spiritually following a tragedy? How does this instance compare with a situation in which you were unable to accept a cross in your life?

In what ways can physical nourishment be an active prayer of thanksgiving for our physical form?

Next week, we’ll cover Chapters 6 through 10. For the complete reading schedule and information about our Book Club, visit the Book Club page.

Copyright 2018 Tiffany Walsh

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