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itzgruvia · 4 months

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Gruvia fanfiction: hurt/comfort, sad and a little bit of fluff by the end.

Warning: mention of self-harm, depression, anxiety, bullying, and blood.

Original posted in AO3

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Juvia was never one to indulge herself into someone's personal business, unless she was asked for.

She was private herself, and she never wanted to ask for help or advice concerning her anxiety disorder, even if she deeply wanted to seek their comfort, but this isn't about Juvia.

it was about her only lover, her sweet man, and compassionate boyfriend.

Through out their intimacy and romantic relationship-which was still developing- they always tried to share their problems, their insecurities, it has been difficult for both, especially for a person like Gray, always wearing a ghost-like shield to separate his friends from his life.

Juvia could say the same thing about herself, mostly because she doesn't want to bother people.

But they went through this, they discussed about it and how they'll try to lean on each other when it gets too hard, and so far they have been showing a little bit of vulnerability.

At least that's what Juvia thought.

It was a late afternoon, Juvia was finally done with her classes and ready to join her friends in the FT salon room, and end the evening with a nap, she can feel a headache coming to upturn her night.

She wanted to take the stairs rather than the elevator, to get her legs pumping after sitting in the hard wooden chairs in her class, it makes her legs numb and uncomfortable, And once she was about to take the next stairs, she heard murmuring, two people were conversing in hushed tones. it didn't take her too long to realize who thery were.

Gray and Erza, of course no one can miss her orotund voice.

Juvia knows they were having a private conversation, something she shouldn't be listening to, but she couldn't budge from her crouching position ( how did she get to crouch in the first place?).

She wasn't jealous, she is very much confident about that, because she knows better than be jealous of Erza, and despite her overriding imagination and her traumatic past that deprived her from having any trust towards her new friends, she believed that Erza is better than a cheating friend. moreover, she wouldn't do this to Jellal, or Gray or to her.

But Juvia had a feeling that this might be something she had to hear, even if she'll feel guilty after it.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Erza asked, rarely does Juvia get to hear worry laced in her voice.

"Yeah" Gray replied, although it took him a brief moment to do so. Matter of fact, she noticed how tired he got in the last few days, but she didn't worry too much about it, she assumed it might be university loads of assignments.

"You know you can talk to me about anything" she assured the boy, a weird sense of worrisome began to crawl over Juvia; why is she pushing him to speak up? must there be some history that Gray didn't bother to mention to her?

"I am alright Erza... trust me" he responded.

there was quietness for a moment, Juvia urged to take a little peak from where she is hiding but she doesn't want to risk being founded, it will cause problems and Gray might even be disgusted and break up with her and all her friends will find her weird and leave her alone like before-

her exaggerated overthinking stopped abruptly when she heard the rustling of fabrics.

she carefully leaned to see that Erza was rubbing his arm in comfort. It was all peculiar to her.... well maybe not new but unusual, especially to Gray, she isn't that affectionate compared to Natsu and Lucy.

Well, if Juvia were to be general, the Red haired woman was never this gentle with anyone but she has her motherly moments.

so this was very surprising for Juvia, and it made the worrying pit in her stomach stronger.

"If ... you have the idea of doin-"

" I am not going to do it" he retorted, in a rather sharp manner, he sighed after a moment.

"I swear it's nothing like that... I'm just tired" he added, less bothered than before.

"Alright... let me know when you need me, okay?" gripping his shoulder gently, Juvia could see the nod of her boyfriend; he agreed.

once they started to move, Juvia panicked for a second, if they do find her here she'll throw a bunch of stuttering words thus making her look like an idiot and ending her perfect romance.

but instead, they both agreed to take the elevator down to the common room ( which made her remember to go there as soon as she undress from her outfit), fortunately for her, she doesn't have to stand in an awkward anxiety inducing situation.

Once she heard their voices disappearing and the sound of the elevator, she slowly left her hiding place and ran upstairs to her dorm floor, all while her brain is racking through what she had heard.

Gray is hiding something from her and he doesn't want to tell her. That's one thing she is confident about.

But what she doesn't know is the content, what he is going through, is it bigger problem than she can imagine? She has never seen Erza that worried and particulary towards Gray.

it says a lot.

the loud chattering of her friends didn't distract her from her circling thoughts about Gray, he was sitting next her, their knees touching while arguing with Lucy about whatever topic that Juvia didn't bother to listen to.

She doesn't know if she should ask him about it, she feels like she might be pushing him into a corner and making him pour out his stress out and that's not something Gray is found of, she knew that by experience and she doesn't want to make the same mistake.

However, she is scared, what if ... it's a huge thing that concerns his life? She knows that Gray tasted that empty sense of life once when he was young, he told her that and Juvia cried by the end which made Gray nervous.

And what if Gray isn't happy? what if he doesn't want to ... go on anymore? she can't always trust his pretty smile, she can't be reassured by that even if she knows him by the back of her hand.

"Juvia?" her beloved's sexy! voice called out to her, while nudging her knee with his slightly. She snapped out of her haze, and looked at him.

he didn't look all worried but the usual frown on his face slightly changed, something that meant that he was observing her silent demeanor.

once she immediately set her eyes on his beautiful handsome face, she fought against the overthinking of hers. Gray would do that no more, not after what he told her; the fact that she was here with him and breathing with him was enough for him to continue living (his words not hers).

so maybe Juvia is overthinking it.

"what are you thinking about?" , he asked.

she blinked, feeling nervous after she got caught dazing in front of her friends, although she couldn't see Lucy in her spot anymore.

"it's nothing, just some assignments to do" she chuckled to hide the nervousness from her voice, but she knows that she failed just by forcing that small laugh from her lips.

Gray kept looking at her, an invitation to vent about whatever is eating her up, but Juvia doesn't know how she can bring forth a subject that concerns him, plus how can she tell him that she was eavesdropping into a private conversation?

.... it's not like she followed them, it was a coincidence.

However, if she stores this worry to herself, it will haunt her tonight, and she has an assignment test tomorrow, she can't afford to go without sleep in her system (not like she never done that before).

Maybe stating it at first won't make it a problem.

"well... I heard something today" she began, fiddling with her fingers in her lap.

Gray leaned on his arms, his elbows on top of his knees, she felt a little bit comfortable talking with the fond gaze that he is wearing in his face.

"I accidentally heard you and Erza talk about something today, in the staircase.." she told him, not daring to look at his eyes.

"Juvia didn't mean to first of all, but based on the conversation, Juvia is feeling a little bit worried about you..."

she finally glanced at him and she felt the anxiety pile up in her stomach.

Gray's face was... conflicting, like he was scared but he is masking it with anger.

" you were eavesdropping? what the hell Juvia-"

"Juvia wasn't! I was taking the stairs!"

"you never take the stairs!"

"i do when I want to walk!" Juvia never wanted to raise her voice at her beloved, but the way he is taking the conversation was ... nerving, as if he is accusing her of discovering a secret door that holds his deepest scars.

he got up from the coach, ready to leave the conversation, running away from it.

"My love, Juvia was just asking!" Juvia tried to follow after him.

"don't ask questions I won't answer Juvia!" he looked back, harsh expression covering the fear in his eyes.

Juvia gathered a moment to breath in, she doesn't want her anger to control her emotion, but it made her feel so unfair, it was so unfair that she got to share her deepest scars, her trauma, her fear, her joy, her sadness.

and he offered her everything, so why is he pushing her away?

" what is it that you are hiding from me?" she asked quietly.

" I don't need to tell you"

"that's so unfair!" she yelled, her fists clenched from her sides, and she finally blurted it out, in she failed on keep her emotions controlled.

she can see her friends coming through the entrance door, concerned over the raised voices. It is actually way more concerning when it's the rarest couples who fight.

Gray looked taken back by Juvia's tone. She rarely does that to anyone, but if she did it towards him, it indicates that there's something bigger.

"i always reach out to you, even when I am afraid" she continued, she felt her face heat up like a furnace.

" so what are you afraid of?"

the question triggered something in Gray. She can see his usual frown vanish from his face, and for a moment she saw him scared, as if she caught a glimpse over his past self.

but Gray clenched his jaw and turned around to leave, Cana and Lucy didn't try to reach out to him, they just let him leave with their mouth agape from what they've witnessed.

Juvia felt the frustration hitting her at once, clenching her hair tightly, she can sense the painful clutch.

she fell back into the couch, huffing in disappointment.

It turns out asking him was a problem.

Gray is hating himself, no matter how much he blasts the music into his ears, it couldn't block the loud noises in his head.

he admits that this was the worst fight he ever had with Juvia, everything was sudden to him, like a slap to his face, Juvia never yelled at him with anger, actually, she never yelled at anyone before.

but it's his fault anyways, he was defensive because he was a coward, who didn't want to show his scars to her. how could he? Juvia was a gentle soul although she always tries to deny it with her past "Shameful acts" of whatever, but everyone has their own piece of tainted wrongdoings.

Gray doesn't care if she killed someone before, she is still that blinding sunlight that engulfs his cold chest with warmth.

and he is afraid that if he pulls up his sweater and shows what he did to his wrists will make her see him in a different way, whether with disgust, fear, or pity.

he had seen those people before. he met them, and he was friends with them before they stripped him from his secret self-harming and pulled down their masks to reveal their true colors.

pity, disgust, fear...

if only Erza hadn't stopped him in the staircase, if only she wasn't so frightened-

Gray sighed, he pulled his headphones away from his ears.

no he thought, here's no one else to blame but me.

come to think of it, Erza had the right to ask him about his wellbeing, he kind of found it hard to keep on the same damned routine of university, and on top of that the unnecessary load of assignments he has to do, it makes him anxious just the thought of them.

but it doesn't matter now, he had another problem to fix...

Gray was never a fan of communication, and after today? he can sure label himself as the worst at communication, he shouldn't have yelled at her, he shouldn't have looked at her that way, she deserves better.

maybe if he could just end it.

"when you face a problem with someone you love, you harvest your self-hater and think that people deserve much better than you do, and then you end everything."

she heard him coming closer to her place, where she is swinging her legs from the rooftop. She would have been terrified if there wasn't another rooftop built right under it, so the fear of breaking a leg or two from a fall is impossible to happen.

she felt a heavy weight over her body, warmth embraced her as she slowly tugged the coat with her fingers, although she wasn't feeling the cold.

she saw from the corner of her eye,Gray shifting his position over the railing of the roof, leaving his legs dangling similarly as hers. she didn't have the courage to look at his face again, which made her frustrated to death, because the silence hanging between them was driving her mad.

should she say something? should she start by apologizing? she could if the heavy lump didn't pressure her from forming words.

"I'm sorry", she heard him say, oh so softly that made her heart hammer with speed.

why should he apologize when she started this whole mess? she opened her lips to argue against who's fault it was, but he beat her into it, " I didn't mean to yell at you"

Juvia finally turned her head to look at him, he was avoiding her eyes and instead looking blowing them, his black messy hair was moved by the wind of the season, and it made him look so ethereal.

she shook her head instead and looked below them as well. She noticed a small creature-probably a squirell- settling himself in one of the tree branches, enjoying his treat.

"Juvia is the one who is sorry, I shouldn't have listened to your conversation.."

" I could have just explained what you heard instead", this time their eyes locked at each other, she feels the heavy awkward air began to shift away alongside the wind.

she would be lying if she said that she wasn't curious about their conversation because she knows that if they don't discuss it right now she will be left with a sleepless night, yet she doesn't want to push him into pouring down his scars if he doesn't want to.

"Juvia doesn't want to pressure you-"

"I want to."

he interrupted her, and Juvia doesn't have a choice but to listen and give in into her curiosity impulse.

Gray took a breath, and Juvia felt the nervousness seeping from him, so she hesitantly offered her hand towards him, she doesn't know if he is comfortable about it or not, so an offering is better than a bold move, like she usually does.

He looked surprisingly at her hand and smiled slightly, grabbing her hand while interlocking their fingers together, "you usually just hold it, why are you being polite?" he said, pointing out the fact that she is impolite when it comes to showing her affection towards him.

Juvia snort:" for now I'll be polite "

she grasped his hand for reassurance, and smiled at him.

"well.." he began, "since you know that I didn't enjoy my life in Korea, and that I had to work a lot and study everyday like some slave, and why my mental health was dropping all the way down" , he stopped for a moment, breathing in through his nose, and exhaling; and Juvia waited patiently, she could even wait for ages she won't mind.

"I used something so I won't try and kill myself"

Juvia's worrying pit started expanding, making her whole body tense with the thoughts running over her head about her beloved hurting himself.

" I used to self-harm."

the blue-haired girl remembers the feeling of being absorbed by fear, how her whole body freezes whenever she encounters a crowd, how the fright will make her shiver non-stop and her mind draws blank. She is familiar with this.

but she never felt fear choking her being like right now.

self-harm.

just the thought of seeing her lover sinking those sharp razors to his wrist so he wouldn't try suicide as an option, she felt like crying.

Gray broke the eye contact between each other, realizing how much of a shock that might have been to her, she can sense how tightly he is holding her hand right now, as if she would run away from him any moment.

"i am sorry" he apologized, he looked dejected, and Juvia could maybe see a glimpse of his old self.

but why is he apologizing? does he think that she'll run away out of disgust from what he suffered? does he think that Juvia would leave him because he had other means to keep himself from dying?

"Do you think that Juvia will leave you?" Gray didn't glance at her, so she grabbed his chin with her hand, turning his head to look at his grey eyes, they were red, ready to brim with tears. "This isn't your fault, and ju via wouldn't even think of leaving your side after opening up to me."

she can feel the tone of her voice quiver, but she held it because her sweet lover man is the one who has the right to tear about it, not her, no matter how much she wants to.

"you are very brave my love." she said softly, cradling his cheek, which were cold under her hand. she knows that he won't believe it, not now at least, it might need time for him to realize how courageous and strong he is, she is aware that he went through this all alone.

"i am not going to leave you alone, Juvia promises on her life."

the lid broke and everything in it scattered out.

Gray cried silently, and Juvia brought his head into her chest, to cradle him from all the pain and the danger of the world, she can sense her own tears ready to fall like a rain shower.

they held each other tightly under the glimmer of the stars and the dark sky, while the whistles of the wind gave them a bittersweet shiver, but all they could feel was each other's warmth.

Gray wants to not give in into his self-blame tendency, and while it's hard, opening up to Juvia made him feel that something clicked, like a puzzle joining to fill a whole picture.

Juvia completes him.

and so they cried, their fingers still locked together and the time passed not knowing for how long they were in each other's embrace. and nobody broke their heartfelt moment.

#gruvia #gray fullbuster #juvia lockser #gray x juvia #fanfiction #attempt of writing #fairy tail #this fanfic lowkey has a universe i made by myself #wink wink

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