#the whole means so much to me but especially this 1st book

[creative-hanyou-girl]

My PJO Story: 10+ Years in the Making

It's so crazy to think that we are less than 2 days away from the Percy Jackson premiere. I've been waiting for this series for 2 years from the second I heard about it. If I'm being honest, it was only some months ago that I actually finished the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series for the 1st time before moving on to HOO. Yet, even before then, I've been reading The Lightning Thief book over and over again since I was 11 or 12.

When I was younger, it was the movies (ugh, I know) that convinced me to read the Percy Jackson books. I had already seen them around school in the library and around my peers, but I personally felt no urge to pick the books up myself. I was DEEP in my Warrior Cats obsession at that point and believed no other book series could top it for me. But then we watched the Peter Johnson movies in class, and I'll be honest, I ended up really liking them. I know, I know. They are awful adaptations and still not the greatest stand-alone movies either, but I enjoyed them at that age since I hadn't read the books and knew Jack-shit about real Greek mythology at the time. And even now, while I'm no longer blind to how bad those movies are, there are still a few visuals from the 1st movie that still stand out in my mind to this day, like Percy's water trident.

But the greatest thing the movies did for me, and the reason I have to give them the obligatory 1 ⭐star, is that they finally convinced me to pick up The Lightning Thief and give this series, that was all the rage amongst my friends and peers, a chance. My mom got me the entire boxset for Christmas that year, and I got to reading. And I fell in love! I was blown away by the humor and fun I had reading The Lightning Thief. And it felt amazing to see a main character have a disability and use it as their superpower. I don't have ADHD or dyslexia, but I did have a stroke as a baby which affected me physically AND mentally, so in some ways, I could still relate to what Percy and other characters in the book were going through, at least a little bit.

Once I finished TLT, I was eager to start on The Sea of Monsters, and I even started reading into that book, too. But in a bizarre twist, the 2nd book disappeared one day from my nightstand. I looked EVERYWHERE for it, but I never found my copy of the 2nd book. I was so upset and embarrassed that I lost it, and I was worried to tell my parents for fear they'd think I was irresponsible for losing a book, so I just....didn't. And because I was convinced that I could still find my personal copy of the Sea of Monsters, I refused to check out a copy from my school library. And so because of my embarrassment and stubbornness, I would not continue the rest of the PJO series for years to come.

But that didn't stop me from rereading The Lighting Thief periodically throughout my teenage years going into adulthood. I read it for enjoyment, to refresh myself on the story and what happens in it, and especially when we'd go on vacation to the beach since, you know, it's the perfect summer beach read. This is just my opinion, but while TLT did set up groundwork for SOM, it could also be read as a stand-alone book, too. And for years, that's how I treated The Lighting Thief. I always planned on buying a new copy of The Sea of Monsters as well, but stuff would happen and I just wouldn't get it for one reason or another. And to be honest, I think part of it was a sentimentality thing with me. I was so sentimental about The Lightning Thief since it was the only book from PJO that I read fully, that part of me was worried about the other books overshadowing it.

So for years, that's how it went. Until, in late 2021, I found out that Percy Jackson was being made into a TV show. And my mind was blown; I DID NOT expect a book series that was close to 15 years old and after 2 failed movies to get a TV show made after it. In fact, I thought it was a joke at first or that there were people trolling the series on the internet. But then when I looked more into it, and especially when I saw that the author, Rick Riordan himself, was heavily involved in the project, the reality of this news finally started to sink in.

And I was ecstatic!

But it also gave me the reminder that I had yet to read the rest of the series past The Lightning Thief, and I wanted to go into the TV show having read the books beforehand. And so, after literal years of not telling them, and because it was right around Christmas and my mom was practically begging me to tell her what I wanted that year (I usually don't want much for Christmas), I told her I wanted Percy Jackson: The Sea of Monsters for Christmas that year.

And I finally got it.

But because life happens, I wasn't able to actually start my planned binge reading of the Percy Jackson series until this past spring going into summer of this year, 2023. But once I had a free couple days to spare, I finally sat down and read the entire Percy Jackson and the Olympians series for the 1st time, starting with exactly the same old copy of The Lightning Thief I've had and loved since the age of 11 or 12.

And it was AMAZING!

This series truly is something else, and it's no wonder its maintained its popularity throughout the years. Its funny, sweet, action-packed, crazy, and just all around fun to read with lovable characters. It's one of my absolute favorite book series of all time and I'm so excited about the show dropping in less than 2 days now.

But it's the fact that we will be seeing the 1st book specifically, The Lighting Thief, come to life lovingly and faithfully first, that has me the most excited. For so long, this was the 1 book in the series that I read. It was the 1 book in the series that always stayed with me when I couldn't continue reading past it. It was the book that introduced me, and many others, to all these amazing characters and the world of Gods and Goddesses.

So while it is true that the later books in PJO are objectively better, it will always be The Lighting Thief specifically that will always have a special place in my heart. And I am thrilled that this first book of Percy Jackson (and hopefully the later books) is FINALLY getting the adaptation it deserves, and that I'll get to revisit the 1 book that has been with me since childhood in a new light!

Long Live Percy Jackson!

(Also yes, I made that bookmark)

[keystonepublishing]

The Saga of Hermitcraft on r/Place (1 April 2022 - 4 April 2022)

On the 1st of April 2022, Reddit unveiled a white blank canvas where every user had the ability to place one colored pixel in every 5 minutes. At its height, about 4 million people participated in one of the biggest internet collaborations ever made. The ripple effects reverberated into news reports as far away as Turkey, and the final canvas represents a snapshot of the multiple communities, events, memes, and what was popular around the world at that time.

This is a documentation of the Hermitcraft mural on r/place 2022.

aka.

Remember what I said about my latest ficbind being a distraction? This is what I wanted to be distracted from.

After Reddit's API fiasco of this year and the subsequent controversial event that was r/place 2023, I decided to save as much documentation about the 2022 event as I could. Luckily, I remember how there are already a series of posts by @riacte who documented the progress of the Hermitcraft mural throughout the whole event, from beginning to end. Her blogposts form the bulk of this book (like, 95%!) and I cannot thank her enough for preserving the happenings of the block men mural.

With that said, I quickly realized that someone who's not a Hermitcraft fan - or me if I'm older - might not get the gist of who's who on the mural. The solution? Make several pages dedicated to just listing who's who on the murals! Because of the sheer number of heads, the mural was divided into several pieces for easier labeling. As a bonus, I also threw in another mural nearby which was connected enough to the Hermitcraft community.

For consistency's sake and preserving focus, I decided to not label the peeps from Dream SMP or the MCC secondary mural. Wrangling Microsoft Word to create an infographic was hard enough, let alone 3! If I inadvertently left out a few bits of extra context from this decision, mea culpa.

When it came to typesetting the entire text block, I decided to make some consistent rules. Titles denoting each day or stage of the mural are on their own pages. New sections are titled using the Bahnschrift font and colored blue, while the first paragraph has their beginning lines look Minecraft-coded and topped with a drop cap (aka. those super-large alphabets).

The names of Hermitcraft and Minecraft players in general are bolded when they first appear in the text. Afterwards, they are bolded if they are contextually important to what's being said.

Extra context would be placed in the footnotes section at the bottom of the page. This is also where I dump some background information that would be invaluable for any readers who aren't Minecraft fans, which is why the SpaceX page looked like... uh, that.

My image policy is to go with the flow; I used as many images from riacte's posts as possible, but I also added-in some of my own if more context is needed. Placing them to look smooth with the text was harder - some are small enough to not cause any problems, others are large enough to fill entire pages without any problems, but a few like the Dream SMP mural (hey there! I managed to put you in!) are too wonky to fit perfectly without leaving no empty spaces.

So in that mural's case, I placed them to the side and let the contextual text flow around it. This principle was also used for the Dota2 / Love Live images and in a few other places throughout the book. The biggest case of this are the few images that are just too wide.

Like this one.

Making double-page spreads is not the easiest thing to do in Microsoft Word, and there are a few r/place images that are too wide to fit perfectly in a single page. Confining them to one page would also mean losing all their details, so making them a double-page spread was necessary.

Didn't make it easy though, especially when there are paragraphs of text and other images that needed to be shuffled around. Mess up the double-page images, and they won't meet in the middle. Mess up the text and other pics? There goes the layout and overall flow!

In the end, making this book took a lot longer than I expected, but I am still grateful to have made this as I have now read through many posts from Tumblr, Reddit, and even Youtube - people expressing joy that they have collectively made something together. I can only hope I have made some justice to them by compiling their work and (even if a small sliver) preserving their testaments.

May this r/place be remembered.

[worrywrite]

I finished reading Harrow the Ninth. And I'm a little shell shocked. But I do have things to say.

I don't think people really get it. That or I got it all wrong. But I don't think people that bag on these books know what's really wrong with them (and there are things wrong with them, they have weaknesses).

To be clear. I read them happily. As happily as you can read them at least. I like them. They're good books. Their strengths and power do outweigh their flaws. I think I might have even loved them a little.

But I don't think people get what's going on when they read them and don't like them. They're latching on to flaws that they don't understand and can't articulate. They miss the finesse hidden beneath the layer of memes, gore, and trope. And when I say finesse, I mean it.

I'm not huge on 2nd person narrative, it catches in the brain a little and doesn't go down smooth like 1st or 3rd. But it is done so well in Harrow.

And there's more but I'm putting it in spoilers.

Okay, actual spoilers:

I don't think that I could call the narration in HtN 2nd person. I think that's a misleading way to represent the way the book unfolds. If you read the whole book and then tell someone it's in 2nd person present tense, you're wrong. It's 1st person past tense. The difference is that the supposed 2nd person narrator is actually part of the unfolding events and they're literally telling the story as it happened from their perspective, but their perspective is that is a person trapped in the passenger seat for most of it.

And I think it's a disservice to describe it as 2nd person and hard to read because that misses the point entirely and sets an expectation that just isn't true.

Okay, so what are the actual flaws of the books.

Well, first, focal point agency. The main characters, the protagonists, don't do much in the way of guiding the narrative. It is very much a story that happens to them. They are outmatched and outgunned the entire way down and only make it through on technicality or pity. It kind of sucks the wind out of the sails of "we do bones, motherfucker" when "doing bones" does nothing and the only solution to that problem is to follow through on someone else's plans and make the sacrifices that someone far more powerful than you wants you to. Characters generally thrive in positions of narrative agency, even when they make a plan and it sucks they've still done what they were trying to do and their character has led the way for things to follow. It lends to a much stronger story when the main character (from a non-metanarrative standpoint) acts like one.

Secondly, the shear cerebral drudge of the language. You can get a headache from this prose if you don't slow down to a snails pace. I often found myself, especially in HtN, stopping to digest a phrase or passage and look up words to double check if my context was correct--and in the meantime my eyes were moving ahead while my mind slogged behind. The prose is accurate but still convoluted to a degree many people probably don't have the patience for anymore. This may be more of a problem with people than with the book, but it doesn't quite matter unless the book gets read.

But just... The delight I felt reading "You never could have guessed that he had seen me." I was giddy. I kid you not. Seeing that flip of narrative context caused some radical joy. Even if some things had been spoiled for me, seeing it play out was a treat. This is the finesse. You can see that Muir had a plan for (I would even call it a twist...) a unique story idea and they carried that plan out with a dedication that must have been very tiring. Because it is very carefully laid out and teased and foreshadowed and then revealed. And then it's revealed again. And again.

I texted a friend that I felt like I was falling down a staircase in slow motion.

[shelbgrey]

You belong with me(George Weasley) Part 1

Paring: George Weasley X Longbottom!Reader X Cedric Diggory.

Summary: your best friend George knows you deserve better. He wants to be that 'better' but to scared to say but after a burnt hand truth may come out. (A.U where Cedric doesn't die)

Prompts: 1.0) “I mean, it's nice they found each other Sometimes you fall for someone you'd never expect, but that doesn't make it wrong. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?”

1.6) “I need to know if it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.” - “in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are”

This is for my buddy Ashlee, who hates Cedric with every fiber of her soul for no reason. There's no much Cedric bashing but he's not perfect in this story.

Potter MasterList

--------(Potions Class, Snape)--------

I silently sat in my seat waiting for Professor Snape to start the lesson. He was running unusually late so that ment the class was mixed up and being social. Come to think of it this is the most talkative the class has ever been.

Except me, my boyfriend Cedric did most of the talking but ever since the tournament I've only been there to benfet him. It's technically not his fault really but what hurt was he wasn't around anymore. He would show a bright smile and laugh whole heartedly to anyone who would listen but then be too tired for anything else.

His laughter continued as he had his back to me taking to Harry and a couple of Hufflepuffs. Not complaining I silently read my book. It was a Muggle book professor Lupin gave me called The Outsiders. I was nose deep when something snapped against the hard-back cover.

I peaked from behind the book and saw a rubber band. I smiled already knowing it was my best friend George Weasley. I rolled my eyes as George leaned twords me from the desk that was acrossed from mine.

“hiya, George” I nodded my head twords Fred as I moved over to their table. Cedric didn't even realize my absence. “hay freddie”

As few minutes went on the twins explained their new product ideas and different renovation ideas for the shop they're gonna open when they're done with school. I nodded happy holding on to every word. Honestly I could listen to them talk all day, especially George. The three of us had been best friends since our 1st year and they never failed at making me laugh or made me feel out of place.

“in your seats everyone” Snape said as he stormed in the the room making everyone quite.

“the man sure knows how to make a whole room speechless” Fred mumbled. I snorted trying not to laugh out loud.

Snape whipped around book in hand. “turn to page 934”

Everyone did and 934-935 was covered with pictures and scribls of writing of a potions. A shape shifting potion to be exact. I raised an eye brow as me and Cedric read off the ingredients and the uses for the potion.

“this is unusual” Cedric mumbled. I just shrugged at the first words he's said to me all morning.

"as you can tell it's a little bit more complicated than your silly little minds can handle” Snape insulted. No one batted an eye as it was usual for him to treat this class in such manner. And yes, this class was mostly Hufflepuffs and had only a few Gryffindors.

“so you'll be working in groups” a couple of people nodded with no emotion and the others sighed in realife.

“this is an easy A” Cedric whispered. I nodded with nothing else to say. I was relieved that he wanted to pair up, it gave us extra time together but part of me knew I'd end up doing half of it while Cedric socialized. Even if he intentionally did it or not.

Our happy faces dropped slightly as Snape continued. “I'll be asing partners. Take a seat next to them when I can your names” a few brave people groaned and others just rolled their eyes.

“Diggory your with Chan” I felt my stomach turn as I heard the paring. I knew Cedric would never betray me like that but I see how Cho Chan looks at him. She gave him the same look Cedric gave me long ago.

Cedric patted my hand and left to set next to her. I gulped as Snape read off the names.

“Potter and Jorden”

“Brown and Johnson”

Snape then looked up and eyed the twins. They looked unfased and continued the stare down. “if you two think I trust you to be partners in this particular Potion you got another thing coming... Weasley and Longbottom” he said refusing to me.

Fred raised his hand in a smart-ass sort of way. “excuse me sir but... Which one”

Snape sighed and pointed to George. “which ever one you are work with Y/n Longbottom, the other one can go with Finnigan”

George happy sat next to me. I set up from my slouched potion and handed him a quill with as he flipped through his book.

“get started” Snape said bluntly.

As I was reading the steps I feel something soft touch my cheek. I batted away and continued reading. It came back again and this time it tickled more. I giggled and pushed the quill out of George's hand.

He laughed as he successfully got my attention. “which cauldron do you want to use?”

“we can use yours a guess” George nodded and got up to get his from his previous spot. As he did Cedric stared daggers into the ginger.

---☆☆☆☆☆☆☆---

The cauldron boiled a Creamy white liquid as I grinded and cut up the different ingredients for the spell. On my right was George stirring the pot and reading the book.

“what do they mean shread something pure?” Cedric said getting a little too stressed over the potion. This class had never been his strong suit, which is why it would have been an 'easy A' if we were partners.

“your supposed to shread the dandelion” I said walking next door to his table. Right when I went over to help Cedric and the cauldron explode and the hot liquid splashed on my hand. I hiss and jerked beck into George's chest.

I held my hand as the cauldron dumped all over the floor. George quickly pulled me back from the steaming puddle. Cho and I coughed from the steam as Cedric stood there dumbfounded.

“Weasley take miss. Longbottom to Madam Pomfrey, and for the love of Godric clean your mess Diggory”

“y/n im sorr-” he started but George pulled me along towards the door.

“watch what your doing next time, Champion” I hear Fred say as we leave for the Infirmary.

Dispite the burning I felt on my hand I felt security as George walked next to me with his arm around me. I felt my heart sweal as he wrapped my hand in his red handkerchief and continued to ask me if I was alright.

“seriously, I'm fine Georgie” I chuckled as he opened the door to hospital wing. He smiled brightly as he held the door for me.

“madam Pomfrey, we got a Burned hand” George called out. The older woman sighed from the back and the sound of her foot steps followed. “What did you boys do now?”

She looked surprised as she saw me clenching my hand as stood next to George. “my dear what happened?”

“Diggory Knocked a hot potion onto her hand” George said looking visibly upset. Madam Pomfrey led me to one of the beds and George followed without hesitation.

George helped me on the bed as Pomfrey brought a stool to set in front of me. “let me see, Dear” she said softly. I hissed as the fabric left my red hand. You couldn't miss Pomfrey's expression as she examined my hand. I looked down for the first time and my eyes bugged out.

On my first two fingers had a thing strip of red coiled all the way up from my nails from my knuckles and the whole top of my and and thumb was covered in a deep red with white blisters.

She sighed sympathetically as she carefully studied my hand. “What potions were you using Dear?”

“it was supposed to be a shape shifting potion” I sighed. “Diggory's didn't go as planned, Godric knows what was put in that heaping pile of crap” George said butting in. The more the thought of it, the angry he got and thst didn't go unnoticed.

“did you breath anything in?”

I nodded thinking back when Cho and I were coughing and hacking from the steam from the potion.

“well, I can use a spell to transfer the heat out of your skin, then we'll put an ointment on it, but since we're not quite sure what was in the cauldron you'll have to say the night or just intill the potion leaves your system” Pomfrey explained.

Next she pulled out her wand and gently touched it to the tip of my finger. She gently pulled back before anything happened. “this usually hurts so brace yourself”

The tip of her wand touch my finger again and this time I grabbed George's hand with my good one. The pain wasn't as bad as imagined, but It felt like someone was pulling hot needles out of my hand.

After a few seconds she was done but there was still white and red puss like things that clinged to my hand. I looked at it in disgust as Madam Pomfrey gently coated my hand on ointment the rapped bandges over it.

“after dinner I want you to come back and then we'll decide if you have to stay over night” Pomfrey said. Me and George both nodded as he helped me off the bed.

“keep an eye on that poor girl, George” Madam Pomfrey yelled as we left. My cheeks dusted red as George closed the door behind us. He look equally red but tried really hard to hide it.

It wasn't awkward or anything, we were close friends and the whole school basically knew we were best friends. But knowing that George went out of his way to take me to the hospital wign and even stayed when he didn't need to made the butterflies in my stomach go crazy.

“so, your on first name bases with Madam Pomfrey know?” I asked playfully bumping his shoulder with mine. All the professors and staff usually referred to as with our last names so I was genuinely curious.

George chuckled and looked down. “yeah, when your Pyro maniacs like my brother and I you end up in the hospital wign for miner injuries.”

I nodded remembering all the times him and Fred would disappear after a practical joke gonne wrong or when one of their fireworks backfired.

George laughed and wrapped his arm around me. “let's get some dinner, I'm starving”

“same, let's go”

As we walked into the great hall it was already fairly packed. I looked over at the Hufflepuff table and spotted Cedric getting tugged around by his 'fans' as they flashed around their 'Potter stinks' pins around.

My smile fell as he was once again busy. It was a big room, I knew that much so there was no reason to get upset with him. George shook his head at him and pulled me to the Gryffindor table Where our brothers, Hermione and Harry were.

“heard about the hand, you okay Sis?” Neville asked as I sat down across from him. I gave my little brother a reassuring look and nodded. “I'm fine Nev”

“that's not what Pomfrey said...” George mumbled. I nudgged him as Fred who was setting on the other side of me gave me a concerned look. I elbowed him then looked at my friends worried faces.

“I'm seriously fine, she just said I might have to stay the night because we didn't quit know what was in Cedric's Cauldron.”

Hermione eyes widened with consern. “Cedric did that?”

“really?” Neville asked surprised but also had a hint of anger to his voice.

“it was an accident!” I sighed.

“well that accident might keep you in the hospital wign tonight” George said taking a bite of his chicken.

As dinner was coming to an End my stomach started to turn and my chest felt like it was tighting around my heart the harder it pounded.

I gulped and set my fork down as the voices around me started to sound muffled then none existent.

“y/n!”

---☆☆☆☆☆☆☆---

“come on love” George's voice said faintly.

I winced as pounding progressed in my head. My eyes fluttered open as I adjusted to the sunlight that shined through the many windows.

I turned to my left and saw George's bright smile. Behind him was Neville, who was passed out in the bed next to mine.

“Hey, Darling how are you feeling?” I slightly smiled at the ginger I called my best friend.

“Why didn't anyone tell me?!” Cedric said suddenly making me jump by the sudden noise. Cedric then ran to my bed worried. George set back in his chair extending the space between us.

Cedric ran to my bed side and took my hand. His eyes full of concern and his expression was frazzled. He sat down next to me as George stared him down.

“he didn't seem to concerned yesterday, she's here because of him”

“thanks for staying with her Mate” Cedric said bringing George back to reality. George forced a smile at him but he couldn't hold back the sarcasm.

Before George could say anything Harry and Ron both peaked their heads in the room. “George, Neville Professor McGonagall is looking for you guys”

Neville set up from the bed beside mine and gave me a hug goodbye. “oh, how you feeling?” Ron asked. I smiled and held my thumb up.

“I'm good here, I'll catch her later” George responded. Cedric raised en eye browe. His face held a hint of jealousy as George stood his ground.

“it's fine go, I'll be here with her” Cedric said like he was trying to mark his territory. He stared down George and such a way I've never seen Cedric do.

“oh that makes me feel so much better” George mumbled under his breath. Cedric gave him a questioning look. “sorry, didn't catch that”

“nothing, I'll come by later N/n” George huffed as he lefted with his younger brother.

---☆☆☆☆☆☆☆---

“ced, let's go!”

“yeah, mate let's go”

Cedric's Friends continued to call him as he sat at my bedside. He looked over his shoulder and chuckled as his Hufflepuff friends flagged him down. He then looked at me with a questioning look. Not wanting to fight and feeling slightly hurt that he'd leave so quickly I just forced a smile.

“go ahead, I'll be here” he smiled big and kissed my lips passionately. “thank you love”

I stared at burned hand with a sorrowful. As soon as I heard the door latch I let the tears fall. Everything seemed to be hitting me and sitting here made me think. I felt hurt on how easy Cedric left, like I was second priority. But with George he never wanted to leave.

I couldn't shake the thought of how easy It is to be around George Weasley... How safe it is. He always knew how to make me smile or laugh no matter what I was feeling thst day. I loved how his brown eye held so much love and humor. His eyes could be so lively and loving and barely show any fire or hate.

“what's wrong my dear?” Madam Pomfrey voice said suddenly said. I turned my head towards her and the words started falling uncontrollably.

“I kissed him, but I wanted it to be someone else... Dose that make me a bad person?” I mumbled. Madam Pomfrey gave me a soft expression.

“no, I doesn't” she said softly. She smiled turned around. She turned back when I spoke again. I couldn't shake the feeling romance was pointless. Are boyfriends and girlfriends just supposed to be on the side lines till their partner wants them? Is there such thing as love? I think love is what I feel when I'm around George.

“I need to know if it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.”

Madam Pomfrey turned around with a small smile “in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are”

“your still young dear, you'll find that someone” I nodded as she left.

Her words running through my brain over and over again.

[hermeticimp]

Full Moon in Pisces (8.30.23) - Savior Complex

So, the Full Moon is in Pisces right now and my favorite artist's birthday was yesterday, so I'm dealing with a lot of feelings. I was encouraged to share them by @adapembroke and we've been trying to get me to post more, so here's hoping this is the full start of that. I won't get into my adoration for Michael here. That is something I will do in future posts because I have plenty I plan to write on him. This is about the raw emotions and realization that hit me in the last 24 hours. Just know that love goes deep and is unshakeable. Continues under the cut

I have feelings - especially since Michael's birthday was literally yesterday and he has a Pisces Rising (like me) conjunct his Pisces Moon. I spent Monday and Tuesday listening to him - the first day my brother was cooking for school, so we spent the day downstairs listening to his albums and going back and forth on what we appreciated about them. I find his album Dangerous from '92 is a surprise favorite since it's very 90s but even 30 years later still speaks on things we deal with now.

Then yesterday, I watched one of his live tour performances. I was having fun for awhile, but then it hit me just how much I miss and love him and why I fear shining too much as a sensitive person - because I watched one of my idols be destroyed by the world he was in. A person I share all my critical angles with, a person who also has Leo and Virgo placements and a Libra NN, his being conjunct my natal Chiron. He was a star who loved and shared his heart and he was crucified for what he said. That terrifies me. Michael's music was one of a handful of artists' that got me through the hardest times and his death was a changing point in my life. I love him much more than I would ever want to admit - even to myself, which makes that fear all the more real. I don't want to go out like he did. I don't wanna be destroyed for daring to be a voice against the crowd. It feels like all kinds of past life wounds and fears have been dredged up with this moon transiting my 12th and 1st houses.

So that was a lot. I've been really reflective. At the same time as this fear, I found a podcast last night about learning to embrace your voice and I've spent part of today reading the book "My Friend Fear". I even managed writing the characters I've been meaning to write for months this past week. So I don't want to let fear stop me, regardless of how valid. I just need to figure out balancing my fear and my need to use my voice. I think Michael being so relevant right now is meant to help with that.

Another theme that's been prevalent in the last few weeks, but feels pretty poignant on top of what I said is the concept of being someone's "savior". That theme has come up a lot. There's even a song ("Savior") by someone I look up to - Kendrick Lamar - where he talked about how he couldn't be anyone's savior even though people wanted him to be. On another song on the same album ("Mirror"), he apologizes for choosing to save himself and his family and not being that savior - which irked me when it came out (last year) because I never felt he needed to be sorry for that. You can't save everyone. You shouldn't be sorry for choosing yourself, especially when you've already given so much.

And yet, that's what Pisces does. It gives and gives and gives until it has nothing for itself. And it fails to have compassion for itself. It's inconjunct Leo, who healthily does take care of itself. They both have to learn the balance between healthily self-focus and giving compassionately and genuinely. And I've been struggling with that. Michael struggled with it and in the end, the Pisces shadow is how he left the world. I don't want that. If these Leo transits have taught me anything, it's that I don't want that. Sure, being vulnerable is scary, but I've spent my whole life being self-sacrificial and not valuing myself. It didn't get me anywhere good - not in the long-term. So why not embrace myself and who I really am? Why not embrace self-compassion and love while still giving people room to be themselves? I won't allow myself to stay transfixed by my pain. I will continue to dive deep and transmute it into light while exploring my depths and the depths of the world around me - to go underneath the underneath.

I will be me, even in this world that says that's wrong. I don't have a choice. Even if that means confronting what scares me most. I have to live for me.

I'm not anyone's savior but my own. You can't be anyone's savior but your own. The best you can do is lead by example - to be an inspiration, a Muse - the last of which is hilariously on the nose for me since I played a Greek mythology video game called Stray Gods: A Roleplaying Musical this past week where you play as a Muse who helps solve people's issues by getting them to sing what's in their heart. She can't force them to lie or go against their true nature, but she can elicit and inspire them to express themselves truthfully (to an extent). Even funnier is that the character's name - Grace - is one of the meanings for my nickname irl - Anna.

Michael's asteroid - like Hermes - lies in my 11H in Cap. He's an inspiration, a guiding light, a Muse… but he isn't my savior. He shouldn't have been anyone's but his own. And I won't try to be anyone else's either. Not if I want to make it out of this life the way I want to. I can't fall into the Neptunian illusion or Jupiterian delusion of grandeur. I have a voice and I will share it. If people resonate, they do and that's great. If they don't, that's fine too. It's not my job to save everyone - only to be share what I feel needs to be said and expressed for us to start healing as a whole. To share what I need to to express myself and be of service by doing so. I don't want to lose my faith and magic in this world, my sense of wonder. Michael is one of those that reminds me of that - for good and bad. I will honor myself first and foremost. I won't drown in this ocean inside me.

[krisistrying]

I need to ramble about A Plague Tale: Requiem

Man i have so many thoughts over a plague tale: requiem and i need to share them or write them down somewhere or I think i will aHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

the game is so good dude, like, holy shit. i loved innocence, i really did, but there were some aspects that were okay. ya know? like, sometimes i think there was this whole, "illusion of choice" thing present. like more than one way to get pass enemies but in truth there wasn't really.

but requiem? holy shit dude, requiem really dID give you a choice. I noticed it the MOMENT Lucas pointed out how Amicia (the player, technically) handled the situation, and the game showed 3 different like, skills that will develop depending on how you get by enemies. One for stealth, one for aggressiveness/fighting, and another that I don't really understand but I think it had to do with alchemy. And oh BOY WERE THERE CHOICES IN THIS GAME.

There's like, all kinds of different ways to get by enemies, 17 different PATHS, DUDE IT'S SO GOOD. HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK

the story, oH MY GOD, THE STORY WAS SO GOOD AND TRAGIC. I LOVED the new characters. I absolutely adored Sophia, though I wish they gave Arnaud a bit more screentime. With him we just snuck around and walked around town. With Sophia we like, spent a whole fucking day with her. The game did such a good job at establishing her character. Showing her traits and her thoughts and loyalty. My favorite being after she finds out about the rats, after she finds out about the curse, after she learns EVERYTHING, she STILL choses the kids. She still picks them. Still helps them. She stays by their side until the end and even more so then. GOD, it was so good, and I loved her character. And I'm sO HAPPY SHE DIDN'T DIE.

We didn't see much of Beatrice but one scene with her keeps replaying in my head. When the rats are taking over the town, and Amicia reaches Beatrice and Hugo. Beatrice watches the rats, believing, yet also hoping Amicia's words will reach Hugo in time. And there's a moment, where, she accepts the worst. Accepts the fate of herself and her children. And rather than panicking, rather than scolding Amicia, or telling her to hurry, she hugs them. She hugs her children. She wraps her arms around them and holds them close. Because if this is truly the end, she wants to be with her children.

Beatrice, in all her being and faults, is not a perfect mother. And to me, she didn't have enough screen time to me to truly make an opinion of the type of mother she is. Yet, I think about that scene a lot. Because to me, it shows that she loved Amicia and Hugo dearly. She closed her eyes, held her children, and accepted her fate.

I loved Lucas in this game, you can truly tell that he's a bit more mature. That's he's grown from the previous game, and even the stuff that happened in between the two games (because apparently there's books that go over events between the two games and the moment they get translated I am going to buy the sHIT OUT OF THEM).

I love how he was the balance in this game. He kept Amicia and Hugo, especially Amicia grounded. He calmed them down, comforted them, supported them, held them, he was their strength when they had nothing left.

If the world was being consumed by a hurricane, Lucas was the eye of the storm.

You could tell how much he loved Amicia and Hugo, how much they meant to him. In Innocence it was obvious that he cared for them after a while. But Requiem showed that he began to love them. That they mean everything to him. Maybe it's because Lucas is my favorite character, but it was so obvious that he thought of them as family. Or at least as something as strong as family. They meant everything to him, he loved them both so much. The De Rune were his world, and it hurts to think that he almost lost it, and in some cases, practically did lose it.

Amicia, holy shit Amicia, it's so obvious the effect the 1st game had on her, the consequences, the toll. Amicia is ready for everything to go wrong, but she still holds on to hope that maybe, just maybe it won't. She acts less like a young girl trying to survive and weighing her decisions, and more like an adult who is ready to do what is necessary even if she doesn't want to. And it hurts. It hurts to see what she has become, and to see how the 1st game has changed her. It hurts to see her deal with trauma at a time where stuff like that wasn't really discovered??? At least I don't think it was all that known.

And Hugo? God, Hugo. My poor boy. You can tell how much he wants to be like other kids, how much he wants friends, and peace. How tired he is, he's 5 years old and he's already tired. He hadn't even lived yet, the choice to live was stolen from him by selfish assholes. And it hurts to see how afraid he is of dying in the beginning only to reach the end and... It's just so.. Obvious that he knows what has to be done. That he knows he's going to die. And he's okay with it. Hugo has come to terms with it and it hurts. He's 5. FIVE. FIVE YEARS OLD. When I played Innocence for the first time, all I could think about was, "Hugo has never been outside, this is his 1st time outside. This is his first impression of the outside world. A beautiful yet cruel place" And that thought is still so strong in Requiem. And it hurts.

This game hurts, and it knows it hurts. It's a beautiful yet cruel game. And I love it.

I can't stop thinking about it. It's all I can think about. God, I fucking love this game.

When people would ask me, "What's your favorite game?" I never had an actual answer. I could answer my favorite video game franchise, but I've never had a favorite game before.

Now, though? Requiem changes that.

I adore this game. Replaying it now hurts, but something is missing now. And I know what it is.

I want to experience the game for the first time again. In all it's beauty and pain.

I've never felt that way about a game before. And I love it.

I love Requiem. In all it's being.

To think none of this would have happened if I hadn't stumbled upon a random video showing Innocence's gameplay.

I wouldn't change a thing though.

[smol-grey-tea]

Hi! Sorry if this is a bit weird but I recently finished Nameless and have been trying to find more content of it because I love it so much, and came across your Tumblr. I've been reading your posts on the game and I especially like your one post talking about Yuri because you put into words what I couldn't. Thank you! I also really love that you're transcribing Nameless into a book! I was wondering if you want some help with that because I cannot get over this game and am planning to go through it all over again

Hi (●’◡’●)ﾉ!!!! This isn't weird at all, it is very very appreciated!!! 😁😁😁😁 I'm always glad to see anyone who loves Nameless, new or old :3 if you want more content of it, I do recommend the dlcs!! ^^ I'm very glad you love my own Nameless content!!! 😊😊 it means a lot to me :)

Yes, Yuri is such a fascinating character!! I have more to write about him and others, there really should be more Nameless essay content imo!! I am doing the Lord's work here!! 😂

Transcribing it has been such a passion for me recently, I like that it gives me a sense of purpose, so I'm very glad people like the idea of it!!! But some of it is difficult yes, and I would appreciate some help 🤔ᴴᴹ

I've already completed Eri, Lance and Yeonho's books, but before I can do anything else with them, they'll all need to be proofread. I've attempted to proofread Eri's before but rereading shit that I've already written, especially for the purpose of looking for mistakes, is actually so. Fucking. Boring. My mom's tried to but she never has the time either, so she can't..

I'm rly not sure how to get someone to proofread it but I think it'd cost a lot of money?? 😦😬 ouch.. So if there's any way you could help with that, that'd be very much appreciated!

After they're proofread ik I want them to have pretty covers :) my dad told me to make the covers myself but, (￣ヘ￣）ᵁᴹᴹ no 😂😂 I think I want them properly done, but preferably by someone who's already a fan of Nameless. I have a couple different people in mind for commissioning the covers but if you'd like to make them, please don't be shy!! We can definitely talk more in depth about stuff in dms if you'd like!! :) ^^

After they've all been proofread and such, I can I think get them self published on Amazon? It should be for sale both digital and physical but I would highly prefer for people to buy it physically since that's the whole point I'm making it

The more time passes, the more anti-digital I am.. It's about media preservation. Streaming services can pull your favourite shows or movies at the drop of a hat, just because they don't bring in enough profit, not to mention the strikes lately. If buying isn't really owning, then piracy isn't stealing. I'm growing to appreciate physical media so so so much more.

I love Nameless so so much, it is my biggest passion in life, that's no exaggeration. It's highly unlikely, but if it was ever unavailable to play, for whatever reason, I don't know what I would do.. I don't care if Cheritz throws copyright issues my way, I am determined to commit this game to a physical copy. To actually touch the pages and display them in my room and keep them forever.

So that's why I'm doing it. I do still of course plan on releasing it digitally, and will always keep the 1st chapters of each book public, but releasing it as physical copies is the reason why I'm doing it in the first place, so I'd really love if people would enjoy them physically :)

In the meantime! On the subject of Nameless merch, I do recommend (￣ヘ￣）ᵁᴹᴹ @/nocturnal-lullabies because they've made their own Nameless merch before as well! I'm not sure if their old stuff is still available but they've said recently that they wanna start doin merch again, so keep an eye out for any new posts of theirs! :)

[khaleesiofalicante]

Okay I think I want to stop reading so much angst I cried but again I want to read it why Dani why. Why are you doing this to us haha just joking.

1st I literally cried when David told he loves Alec I will give anything to read about the reaction Alec gave when he read that part.

Did David blame max for the things happened or it just that book gave the idea that max is to be blamed? It reminded me magnus depression in TLND but not having your partner to care not able to spend time with kids god it made worse what did max and David ever do to you dani why are you torching them.

Iam glad David has Jackson he need his own person. I wanted to know what are Jackson thoughts is he angry at max?

I expected whole different reaction from max but this reaction is accurate I mean he doesn’t want to lose people. He lost so much already.

Did Alec really punch Albert? If so can I have a snippet please. I want read Alec pov I want to know how he feel about David then and now. How is magnus going to react to his secret?

Did lance read the book? Is he more like max or David? I wanted to know many things but I know you will mention those in upcoming chapters.

please write some romantic shit and fluff about mavid after this you know I still read BMLIY every time I think they can’t get back together. It’s so sad not really a fan of angst but love reading your fics.

I really hope you reach your writing goal you are very talented. Have a nice day dani💛💛

You need to make up your mind, babygirl.

David never blamed Max for what happened. In fact, we repeatedly tell him "it wasn't your fault" again and again. But i think Max had internalized the idea and he is still struggling with it, especially because of the divorce and losing David.

We'll get to Jackson's thoughts soon enough!

Alec did not punch Albert. He has in fact never met Albert either. Lance has not read the book - or watched the show. I think he's more like David. But everything David keeps to himself, including his anger, Lance lets out.

And yes, you will definitely have the answers to all of these soon!

AND YES WE WILL GET SOME WELL-DESERVED FLUFF AFTER THIS SHIT. I PROMISE.

Have a great day, bebe 💛

[danmoorhouse]

Betrayal in the Wars of the Roses, Volume 1

By Dan Moorhouse

Reviewed July 21, 2023 by Kathy.

Disclaimer! I read many of the chapters in this book while it was still a work in progress.

Betrayal, especially in the history books, is often portrayed in basic terms of black or white, good or bad, right or wrong. Those who betray during times of civil strife, such as the Wars of the Roses, often suffer from this kind of two-dimensional thinking. However, the reality is much more complex and nuanced.

Betrayal in the Wars of the Roses, the first volume of a planned three part series, takes a deeper look at some of the better known betrayals in the Wars of the Roses, examining kinship, patronage, and loyalty, helping to put things into context and showing that good lordship was a two way street, with each side having obligations to the other, and if those obligations were not properly filled…well, then, that’s when things could get sticky.

After an introduction that sets the table, we are provided with chapters on the following “betrayers” – George, Duke of Clarence; Richard Neville, 16th Earl of Warwick; Henry Beaufort, 3rd Duke of Somerset; Henry Percy, 4th Earl of Northumberland; Richard Woodville, 1st Earl Rivers; Thomas Stanley, 1st Earl of Derby; and Sir Anthony Trollope. Not only are people looked at in this book of betrayals, the role of towns is also studied with a chapter dedicated each to Calais and York.

While a case can be made for each of the above men being guilty of betrayal, in just about every instance there were mitigating circumstances. And in several cases, it was the king (usually Edward IV) who handled situations in what seemed to me a clumsy manner, leaving me thinking, “It’s no wonder he rebelled!” I won’t go into detailing the information presented for each of the men above, but as an example will present the case of George of Clarence. And no, I’m not going to touch the case of umpteen times great-grandfather Thomas Stanley with the proverbial 10 foot pole.

Now George is often described as a petulant, ungrateful younger brother, never satisfied with what he had and always wanting more. Now, maybe that is true, at least in part, but it’s not the whole story. As a young man, George had seen his sister Margaret make a high-status marriage, while his own wishes for an equally prominent marriage were nixed by, who else, his brother the king. He was granted significant wealth but his proposed expenses that included lavish improvements to Tutbury Castle outreached his income. I think today we’d say that George liked living beyond his means. He was appointed Lieutenant of Ireland, an office his father once held, but later had his right to govern as his father had curtailed. There were other issues, but these will do for this example and will show that while some of George’s problems were of his own making, not all of them were, and if these matters had been handled differently by Edward, it is possible that some of the tragedies in George’s life might have been avoided.

In the end, the question of betrayal has to be looked at through the lens of family relationships, which were extremely important in medieval England, who one owed the most loyalty to (kin or king?), and whether the principles of good lordship were observed by all parties. And when it came to loyalty to the Crown, what exactly are we referring to – the institution of kingship, or the individual sitting on the throne?

This book is filled with enough details and quotes from original documents to satisfy the geekiest of history geeks, yet remains readable and entertaining, and it even got me to question some previously held beliefs. So while I may never completely forgive my great-great (etc) grandfather for betraying Richard III, I at least have a better understanding of why he made the choices he did.

https://mybook.to/Betrayal-paperback

https://mybook.to/Betrayal-paperback

[vriendenboekjes]

speaking of the dutch language. super interesting this one time my friend's aunt asked me if i often spoke english because she found my intonation/rhythm a little weird. She was right!!! and i kind of wonder if it was because she was from the north of the country and both my parents are from the south and if that has to do with ideas of how the language sounds to foreign ears, as stated in the article, "harsh, guttural, staccato". but i think the beauty comes from the rhythm of it.

also i loooved the following part. it's so descriptive.

"Dutch was historically like that; the culturally unknown was given its own descriptive, compound Germanic term [...]

submarine: under-sea-er hospital: sick-house hospitality: guest-freedom thyroid: shield-gland dictionary: words-book ruminant: re-chewer nitrogen: suffocating-substance oxygen: sour-substance concussion: brain-shaking binoculars: far-lookers constellation: star-image anemia: blood-poverty peninsula: almost-[archaic form] island protein: egg-white marsupial: pouch-animal liquid: flowing-substance"

i've lamented before that i can't do purple prose but literally when in my life would i learn meandering when the language itself is already this direct. Especially verbs aren't exempt from this. (to have been) beaten down -> teneergeslagen. and i think there is beauty in there too, you just have to make it work for you.

one of my favourite poems ever is called "dit is de stem van mijn worgengel" this is the voice of my angel of death. (? something like that at least) Which i will link HERE. worgengel from worgen/wurgen -> to strangle + engel -> angel. and it's such a purely acoustic poem... i think there is a beautiful rhythm to it, while at the same time there is very little coherency to be found in relation to meaning. maybe a few phrases or sentences make sense, but as a whole it's hard to follow, it's not one narrative. even when reading it in your head you are forced into a rhythm, which the staccato characteristics actually help with.

and there's no point to this post than just being a rumination on the lovely text i reblogged earlier. But honestly a lot of dutch folks these days are taking over the idea that dutch is like an inherently ugly language so they'd much rather speak/read/write in english. which is objectively insane. girl that's your mother tongue. and so i do think it would be healthy to cultivate maybe a different appreciation for it. At least for like native speakers/people whose only 1st language is dutch

[crookes-library]

Tag Game: fandom edition

Thanks for the tag @ulfrsmal 💙💙

your name: for tumblr...crookes

your first fandom(s): Naruto I think was the first one I really sought out on the internet because no-one at school read it

your current fandom(s): I'm not totally active or contributing in a lot lately because my energy is being sucked up by sucky stuff! but I like to think I'm still in the last kingdom fandom and I always love the untamed and beyond evil and I'm a lil newbie to the locked tomb fandom I guess

how did you first get into fandom: I dunno really, I was the weird kid at school and spent my time on the family computer trying to find people into the same stuff as me? lol, a lot of forums initially, especially when I started reading manga

how long have you been engaging with fandom space?: 17-18yrs maybe?

how often do you read fanfics?: honestly like not for a good while, like over a year cause stuff but I read a couple griddlehark fics recently that I loved! And I'm always a champion of fanfic in general

top 3 characters from your current fandom(s): from the ones I named uhtred, wei wuxian and gideon nav are forever faves

have you ever written a fic for fandom? if so, shout it out!: for sure, started on ff.net when I was a teenager lol, you can find me as crookes on ao3 now

have you ever drawn fanart for a fandom?: y'know for someone who took AS level art and had an ongoing feud with the art teacher cause she was super like my mum (and the math teacher who liked me told me the art teacher bitched about me in the staff room for being stubborn) I cannot draw for my fucking life so no

share a personal headcanon that you feel very strongly about: honestly like high-fiving you ulfrsmal about trans headcanons because like my biggest like close to my heart headcanon about tlk is that Aethelflaed was genderqueer, there's a small line in one of the books and I can't even remember which now, that says she kept the binder of the Saint that inspired her geese flag as a religious relic and the story does v much set up Aethelflaed as like the more ideal heir of Alfred as the stronger, better strategist and its all v mcr you should've raised a babygirl I should have been a better son pressure to be more like a male heir who could inherit the crown and general gender confusion, I could literally write a whole tumblr essay on it but!

you're trying to convince a friend to get into your current fandom(s) with you. what episode, clip, or scene are you showing them?: oof for my most recent fandom the classic pool scene for griddlehark in the 1st book 'I've lived my whole wretched life at your mercy, yours alone, and god knows I deserve to die at your hand. You are my only friend. I am undone without you.' ... like what can I say, I'm a sucker for complicated devotion

and finally, what does fandom mean to you?: friendship, kinship, a place to belong, sure there's some people who are fuckin awful or exhausting but you get to choose who makes up your fandom experience so chat to who you vibe with and block who deals you psychic damage , its a big old soup, swim for the tasty bits ✌️

[the-primordials]

Will we be able to create our own race along the way and do we have our very own pocket dimension?....i apologize if I'm overwhelming you but I'm just really hyped by this story.😆

Heyo @chfrost08 ✌️🤣🥰

I don't mind the asks they are very much welcome so don't fear overwhelming me, I'll just be slow at answering them is all😉.

Spoiler

Under the cut;

Okays to answer your 1st question;

The MC ready has a race that they made unintentionally well actually was more like Christos's fault. Due to circumstances as well as a certain location that the MC was Entombed, their energy did not weaken, but it kind of was like radiation. The energy stayed where it was but radiation leakage sort of in this case it was primordial energy leaked and from that energy especially the MC's unique energy. It created a Nexus between the MC's energy and Eden's core. And from that vortexes were spawned sort of like portals/absorption orbs and from these Vortexes spawned Monsters. So yeah... and these aren't your typical fantasy Monsters. Like I mean they are going to be some really weird scary monsters that are more like abominations like eldritch horrors mini sized essentially. So Yay MC!?... The MC's imprisonment unintentionally created Monsters that pop up everywhere around the world and cause havoc now in the world well they actually started doing that since the second era of Eden.

What a Vortex looks like....(Sorry my art skills suck😣)

Vortex:

Vortexes are a supernatural phenomenon that occurs all around Eden. It is type of "natural phenomenon" that has been occurring since the second era of Eden or so it is recorded through the history books. Scientists, Mages, Sorcerers, Historians anyone in the field of research and knowledge have all tried to understand and study the Vortex. But to no avail, none have ever come to a conclusion or proper answer. Only that it is a type of black hole/primordial raw Prime energy and it seems to spawn indiscriminately. When a vortex spawns it is nothing more than the size of a marble so they are extremely hard to detect and find. They are usually only found once it started to absorb/devour a sufficient amount of mana from the surrounding area. Once it has absorbed enough mana it will begin to release a type of magical yet very toxic miasma that is extremely harmful to those without a certain amount of magic aptitude. After 1 hour of releasing this toxic vapour the Vortex turns the sufficient energy into monsters. It seem to be the only means of killing the said monsters is with magical means only. Further research is still required.

As for your second question; The MC doesn't have their own pocket Dimension....

They have a whole separate dimension to themselves known as "The Empty" a dimension of nothingness and silence. Here the MC has absolute power and infinite influence 🙌.

[that-bookworm-guy]

The Anxiety Book for Trans People - Freiya Benson

‘As a trans person, my anxiety has some extra facets to it that are a direct consequence of me being trans. A lot of this has its roots in anxiety that other people experience; it’s just that being trans often adds another layer to it, rather like a really weird cake that you would never want to eat.’

The WHO removed this mental health category for trans people in 2019, but back in 2014 when little queer me came out at 18, I had to go through hoops to get referred to the Gender Identity Clinic.

I was referred to the mental health team.

My mum was asked about my upbringing, how I developed, and how I was born; they asked so many questions that I zoned out. They also asked me when I 1st felt that ‘something was wrong’ leading me to tell my life story.

In my 1st session, I was diagnosed with severe depression, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety, panic disorder, & gender dysphoria. I had the diagnosis I needed. I was also put on meds. I got discharged from the MH team because I was too severe, they also didn’t know what to do with dysphoria.

I was referred to the worst place I’ve ever been. They pulled my (cis) boyfriend at the time, into a session where they spent the whole time trying to ‘show’ me how being trans was a burden to our relationship because he had a crush on me when I was my ‘true self’ AKA female. They also told me I was a burden to my family. As well as some other stuff, I'm not going to talk about because honestly I don't want to. This therapy wasn’t to help me manage my gender dysphoria, it was to ‘cure’ it.

As soon as I was on the waiting list for the GID, I got what I needed, & for my MH sake, I quit & never went back.

My anxiety has been up & down, but some of it settled when I came out, but being trans came with a whole load of more anxiety. There are things I do to manage it though, I have so many fidget toys on me at all times, including the black ring above. I have been on hormones for nearly 5 years, so I’m at a place where I can live stealth, this means no one knows that I’m trans. This comes with its own anxiety, but for me, it feels so much safer, especially in my area. Which eases some of the anxiety. I've outed at a previous work place and although my boss handled it well, it couldn't undo the damage that was done. I was getting yelled at, constantly misgendered and getting transphobic slurs and hate said to my face when I was trying to do my job. I was assaulted outside of work. All of this just added to my anxiety and I would much rather live with the anxiety of trying to be stealth than go through that again.

This year for me is about healing, and that includes working on my anxiety in every form that it takes.

[xiexiecaptain]

Shadow & Bone rewatch live-commenting that was started on twitter and is being moved/continued here!

This is the post for EP 02: We Are All Someone’s Monster

[Episode 01 post] [Rewatch Commentary Links Masterpost]

((There WILL be spoilers mentioned for the books in the Grishaverse including the Crows duology & King of Scars duology! This is basically from the perspective of watching the show as someone who knows the books well.))

This visual interpretation of the way each of the 1st trilogy books are opened and closed with "the boy and the girl" narration is such a great visual motif

--

I love the bleached white streaky effect on the deck from the burst of light

Listen, I'm a writer more than a visual artist, so when people do great clever/interesting visual ways of communicating or interpreting things I'm so in awe

--

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW COOL KAZ'S WATCH IS??

These are the sort of tiny worldbuilding details that I just want to rub all over my face

--

This is a really interesting adaption change--that Kaz couldn't buy her indenture all at once like in the books. But since it seems like they cut Per Haskell, Kaz doesn't have that money to use for buy her contract and such

The amount of trauma Inej must be dealing with on a regular basis, having to go back there is just unimaginable

Like it's one thing to be kept there by Heleen before Kaz bought her indenture. But to be able to leave and be out working for Kaz, but have to go BACK

Oof Inej is the strongest person in the whole series I s2g

--

Of course you can't fool the Wraith. 

She's got your number, Dirtyhands~

--

you can just IMMEDIATELY see he regrets it 

His first instinct is to always make people feel expendable and keep them at arms length 

["He's not the only irreplaceable member of this crew, Kaz. You need me."

"I need your skills, Inej. That's not the same thing."]

--

Ok the fact that he goes after her-!

I mean, think about how much it means that KAZ BREKKER takes the time/effort and concedes the emotional investment in her to grab his cane and walk after her?!?!

[I'd settle for an apology, she decided. Even if Kaz isn't sorry, he can pretend. He at least owes me his best imitation of a human being.]

Listen I've been Kanej trash for almost 5 solid years now, y'all. The fact that I'm getting new material through this series is feeding me spiritually

--

Kirigan: Closer 

Alina: *teeny tiniest of steps* 

aLINA STARKOV-!

--

Again, I really like the adaption changes they made--this time with the visual/physical externalization of the Grisha testing

In books, because of interiority and description, it works perfectly for it to be described as touching an arm and then that feeling of rushing to meet the touch. But for a visual medium, having to be something more physical and something easier to convey visually was a smart choice.

But also to have the testing be as a response to sudden pain, like triggering a survival instinct, has lots of interesting things to say about the nature of Grisha power

--

Man as much as I despise the Darkling, he's a very compelling and well-done antagonist and character.

Because you disagree with HOW he goes abt it, but you can understand WHY he does it. To me personally, that’s the kind of antagonist I really find fascinating--one you can sympathize with, who genuinely believes they’re making the hard choices to do good things but are misguided, misinformed, accidentally harmful, and causing harm that they justify. (Although there’s a lot to discuss about antagonists like that where then the overall narrative moralizes middle-road non-action in the face of oppression over revolutionary action ie Killmonger, but I digress).

But Ben Barns really kills it as the Darkling. Just pitch perfect, I mean this is 1000% the face of a man who has just found the final tool to start the work he's been planning for centuries.

But I ESPECIALLY love when there are no clear cut black and white, no choices made that are easily entirely definable “right” or wrong” for the antagonist (nor the protagonist for that matter.) Make all the choices grey and make everything have collateral damage  (You can start to see why SoC is my personal favorite in the Grishaverse, huh?)

But the Darkling is a very good antagonist. Doesn’t tick all my personal boxes but he’s very well crafted. (Eerily over-charismatic antagonists are really enthralling to me especially because they mirror real-life “villains” in that many people who are easily charming can also be very manipulative.)

--

THE LOOK ON KAZ'S FACE WHEN PEKKA WALKS IN IM- 

[Kaz heard a roaring in his ears. As always, he experienced a strange kind of doubling when he looked at Rollins...]

--

[The look that passed over the boy's face then had taken Rollins aback. It was hatred--pure, black, long simmering.]

--

I literally hissed out loud when he took Kaz's cane how fucKING DARE YOU

--

Good fucking luck, Rollins. Didn't turn out so well last time Ketterdam tried that

[One glance at Kaz Brekker told him this was a creature who had spent too long in the dark--he'd brought something back with him when he'd crawled into the light.]

--

(( P.S. Yes I have the SoC books with me bc 

1. I'm the biggest nerd on the planet but 

2. It's really amazing to see how well they translated the character dynamics and emotions 

3. The books are some of the most quotable in the universe 

4. I don't own paper copies of the other ones))

--

[Kaz waited for acknowledgement--a smirk, a sneer, some spark of recognition. But Rollins' eyes passed right over him.]

ITS JUST SO GOOD?!?!

I mean we’re seeing the Crows/Ketterdam folks in an entirely new plot, but the book quotes still fit flawlessly because the core of the characters and their dynamics have been translated to this adaption with such care and love for the source material!!!

--

I mean, he's not entirely wrong

[The child he'd been had died. The fever had burned away every gentle thing inside him. Survival wasn't nearly as hard as he'd thought once he left decency behind.]

--

She knows him so fucking well!

["Don't think I haven't noticed the way you go after him, Kaz."

"He's just another boss, one more Barrel thug."

"No, he isn't. When you go after other gangs, it's business. But with Pekka Rollins, it's personal."]

--

It is in this moment I am heavily reminded that you can easily interpret the books as supporting that Jesper has feelings/the hots for Kaz at the beginnings of the books

--

JUST BURY ME IN TINY CULTURAL WORLDBUILDING DETAILS LIKE THIS

--

The Conductor is another addition I freaking adore 

Of course some enterprising individual figured out their own way through the Fold and used it to make money (I mean also helping Grisha flee Ravka, but still, he's charging them so)

--

MY HEART 

I bet they feel like they just got each other back too, after thinking they were gonna be separated by the supply run through the fold 

OH MY BABIES

--

fUCKING HELEEN VANHOUDEN THE EVIL BITCH 

On a weird side note, her voice has the exact same awful sickly sweet drawl as in the audiobooks and its just perfect for the exact type of abusive she is

--

KazBrekker.exe has stopped working 

 (Also me. We live an Inej Ghafa appreciation life here in this household)

--

Look at Inej's face. She thinks Heleen's sending her to a client 

I can't bear this 

She looks like she's trying so so hard to keep herself together

--

The Komedie Brute costume revelers!! 

(at least I'm pretty sure that's what they're supposed to be)

--

JESPER LLEWELLAN FAHEY (scolding, adoring)

--

[He'd heard other members of the gang say she moved like a cat, but he suspected cats would sit attentively at her feet to learn her methods.]

--

“OF COURSE, LOVE” I’M-

He’s so IMMEDIATELY ready to help her with whatever. OF COURSE, he says.

Bury me in their friendship

I also really adore we get to see Inej struggling with not wanting to kill people. Cus in the book only vaguely mentioned about her having cried the night she killed someone for the first time and Kaz overheard her.

--

The unexpected gays have arrived!!

--

The position of Grisha in Ravka is so interesting!

Because a lot of otkazat'sya see them as stuck up, thinking they're better than and getting preferential treatment.

But that’s only because the Darkling made it that way in response to Grisha literally being burned at the stake elsewhere

In the books, so many of the Little Palace Grisha that Alina trains with have the outlook of "well, we have powers, we were scouted to be trained here because we're special, so obviously we're better than otkazat'sya."

But here, I think its important that they show that at least some of the Grisha realize that this tiny bubble of safety (via fear, rather than acceptance) because of the Ravkan government (the Darkling’s work) is the exception. And many of the 2nd Army Grisha aren't from Ravka originally, they fled their homelands for fear of being killed, experimented on, sold into servitude, etc.

And while the Darkling has made it safer for Grisha who are recruited into the 2nd Army, the legacy of the Fold has also increased prejudice against Grisha among otkazat'sya and abroad..

I just really like this scene because of how it highlights the Grisha's very complex position

--

The fact that they developed Fjerdan to the point where they have characters speaking it is just *chef kiss*

(once again, idk how people who watch things without subtitles don't miss 80% of content even when its not literally translating dialogue for you, but that might just be my ADHD ass talking)

--

I’m not even a little bit sorry

--

ok but the horror on Jessie Mei Li's face is absolutely stunning

--

WINKS SO HARD I STRAIN A MUSCLE 

Somewhere on the Geldstraat, Wylan Van Eck is sneezing

--

The little thing of Kaz tensing up when Jesper grabs his coat and then staring at it pointedly

Oh man oh man oh man

--

HHHHHH KAZ’S FACE

 ["Would you? Trust someone with that knowledge, with a secret that could destroy you?" 

Yes, thought Kaz without any hesitation. There's one person I would trust. One person I know would never use my weaknesses against me.]

--

The most realistic of portrayal of horse riding in a fantasy show

--

already lying through his gd teeth 

gIRL DUMP HIM

--

"Oh, so what's the Darkling's, like, story arc?"

--

I MEAN SHE'S NOT WRONG THO?

(A side note, how interesting would it be if Alina actually wasn't the first sun summoner?)

--

Well, well, look who it is: Malyen "Tunnel Vision" Oretsev 

(I’m kidding, I really like show!Mal)

--

WE LEAD A JESPER 👏 FAHEY 👏  APPRECIATION 👏 LIFE 👏

--

So I literally wrote a [post back in the day] about how I thought since queer, trans, and gnc folks have historically been pushed to the margins of society and work/live in poor areas and have a high rate of sex work, you can bet your ass the Barrel has its fair share of trans/gnc residents

And its so cool to see this gestured to with Poppy?? 

I’m also glad they're miffed at Kaz for a financial deal rather than anything gender/sexuality related. Like the writers didn't stereotype Poppy's life

Let's just get more of Poppy tbh? What's their story!?! I wanna see more of them and see them performing on stage and see them do some cool badass stuff???

Just more Poppy in season 2 please? 

We also need more people who call Kaz out on being a little scheming rat tbh

--

I AM SO FUCKING INTERESTED ABOUT THIS?? 

They gave Inej a brother!!! Who was also stolen by slavers!! Which is a fascinating plot twist and I'm very excited to see how it adds to the story!!!

--

I CANT BREATHE HER FACE- 

INEJ-!!!! 

[She had to believe her Saints saw and understood the things she did to survive.]

Amita Suman is the one and only Inej Ghafa and we are so lucky to have herrrr

--

She's absolutely ready to believe he would choose profit over her never having to step foot in the Menagerie again 

It's heartbreaking but also like, yeah, Kaz, you built your reputation specifically so people would believe you capable of anything??

--

The only people we have seen him let stand this close beside him so far in the show are Jesper and Inej and I have a Feelings about it 

He gets in people's faces for intimidation reasons, but the only one he’s gotten this close next to are them????

--

THATS NOT AN ANSWER YOU MANIPULATIVE PIECE OF GARBAGE

--

Change dot org petition to Give Alina Starkov a Fucking Hug

--

🎵Doo-do-do-do-do 🎵 Definitely not about to desert the army to run off after my childhood friend 🎵  doo-do-do

--

I fucking love these three's friendship so much. I’m so glad it had space in the show to get fleshed out and feel more real

--

im fucking scREAMING

[His mind had concocted a hundred schemes to bind her to him, to keep her in this city. But she'd spent enough of her life caged by debts and obligations.]

--

And that’s the end of Ep 02! Hot damn hot damn!

--

Additional thoughts: 

Both visually and character-wise, this show is so gd diverse and it's just a pleasure 

And its diverse because the WORLD is diverse, not just for misguided ~diversity~ reasons

There are so many races and ethnicities, gender expressions, sexualities, body types, classes, dis/abilities on screen for the simple reason that all those people exist in the world, take part in major world events and in the stories of people's lives 

It's a fucking joy.

One of the things that endeared me to the SOC books right away (which I read first) was that in the first chapter where we meet our main characters, we already have two characters of color and a disabled character within this absolutely enthralling scene of the parlay with the Black Tips where those traits are not ignored but nor are they centered unnecessarily. They are integral to the characters and how they operate in the world, but they are never reduced to them. Everyone is complicated and textured and flawed and I just really fucking love Leigh's characters ok?

It's so wonderful we have a mixed-race main character (played by a mixed-race actress) 

 We have four mixed-race characters in the main/supporting cast: Alina, Mal, Jesper, & Zoya (though Jesper & Zoya’s backgrounds aren’t mentioned/explored in season 1)

We have a young man with a physical disability in the main cast who is portrayed to be one of the scariest people in his city 

We have five indisputably queer characters on screen in season 1: Jesper, Ivan, Fyedor, Nadia, Dima

We have heavy folks in main roles--Nina & Arken--portrayed as desirable and ingenious, both hero and turncoat

We have so many POCs it's useless to point them all out individually, which is a gift 

It all just feels like such a gift

-

[Episode 01 post] [Rewatch Commentary Links Masterpost]

[itsjaywalkers]

hello laurie!! <3 insane commute nonnie here (again) omg i read oby yesterday omw to class (ended up staying at my friend's again bc his roommate was still out. sadly he's back) and i should not have done that bc OMG?? BABE I WAS LITERALLY THINKING ABT THEM THE WHOLE TIME UT GOT SO BAD I SAW MY PROFESSOR (he doesn't even look like james. he's just fit in a 'Hear me out guys...' way)N BLUSHED I WAS ACTUALLY GIGGLING AT RANDOM TIMES THINKING ABT THEM also like. sirius n regulus in this😭😭 regulus cursing sirius out for being a good brother is so real to me as someone with 12 year older brother bc he spent my entire childhood terrorizing me n now he's the sweetest person Ever. not even in an evil way he's just genuinely nice to me so if i ever complain abt him everyone goes ??? YOUR brother??? its so annoying (i love him). just reg veing grumpy<3 he's my fav little purse man and ok oh god never thought i'd say this. i have NEVER gotten the whole daddy thing but now im just🧍‍♂️bc i need to call james potter daddy while he fucks me what who said that also like. extreme apologies for how extremely inappropriate this might've gotten i was up all night studying for a quiz we have today (cannot catch a break w these ppl istg) n i swear my brain refuses to function and i have no idea!!! (please pray for me) also i hope you're doing great<3 sadly i do know work and adult things but im glad to know that nothing bad's going on!! you deserve the best<33 also i Absolutely get being funnier in your mother tongue sometimes i have these sudden thoughts n they're soo funny but i have to translate them which is like. okay but the vibes change istg!! i usually end texting my siblings abt it bc someone deserves to know how absolutely funny i am!! (all i do is make dad jokes) and (im actually so sorry bc ik you prob dont mind the book-long asks but its still!! so embarrassing!! like girl why are you yapping sm!!) i haven't read the 2nd part yet (i read the first part n just stared ahead blankly for like an hour after i read the 1st part. it did things to me) but im gonna read it after my quiz as a little treat<3 thank you for writing them sm!!!<3

HI BABE <333 sorry it took me so long to get back to u, life has been soooo hectic istg

AND OMG IM STILL SO SHY ABOUT U READING OBY but i'm so glad u enjoyed it and that it had the desired effect, it's definitely not the type of story u should read in class or just like . in front of ppl . i don't blame u for getting all flustered around ur professor even if he doesn't look anything like james. it's just the vibe yk??? you're literally so real for that

sirius and reg in oby are !! so important to me !! i feel like they have the best relationship in all of my fics, bc they're on good terms on nothing happens too but they argue . a lot . and they're gonna have some issues down the line. and they're also very close in the boxer au but there's still gonna be a lot of angst regarding their relationship. in oby, tho, they're just brothers <3 they love each other so much <3 and i'm so glad i'm portraying their dynamic accurately bc a lot of their convos are based on stuff me and my sisters have talked/fought about lmao

LISTENNNN I ALSO WASN'T INTO THE WHOLE DADDY THING like i didn't mind it and i read it occassionally but i didn't seek it out. but now that i'm actively writing it . well . i guess i kinda get the appeal (girl who doesn't even have a daddy kink) SO I GET U I REALLY DO

u don't have to apologiseeee i'm always happy to open horny hours especially if it's for james potter <3 and also i know it's been a few days but i hope the quiz went well and that u never do that again bc u need to rest!! i mean it!!

i'm doing quite well actually!! work's been a nightmare but apart from that i'm great!! i recently moved into a new flat with two friends and the place is soooo nice i'm in love with it i can't believe it's ours <333 AND SAMEEEE i always complain about it to my sisters or my spanish friends bc it annoys me to no end like . i'm literally soooo funny and it pains me that you'll never realise bc it's only when i speak in my first language ugh

I REALLY DON'T MIND THEM BABE IN FACT I LOVE THEM NEVER STOP and don't apologise again i'll kick ur ass!!! and god you're so very sweet to me, i hope u enjoyed/enjoy it and i'm sending u the biggest hug + forehead kissie in the world MWAH <3

[princeofgod-2021]

LIGHT OF LIFE 287

John 1:4

HONOURING THE ALTAR 6: IMPORTANCE OF THE ALTAR 1

Mat 23:18-21 You also TEACH that IT DOESN'T MATTER IF A PERSON SWEARS BY THE ALTAR. But you say that it does matter if someone swears by the gift on the altar. Are you blind? WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT, THE GIFT OR THE ALTAR THAT MAKES THE GIFT SACRED? ANYONE WHO SWEARS BY THE ALTAR ALSO SWEARS BY EVERYTHING ON IT. And anyone who swears by the temple also swears by God, who lives there. CEV

I had closed this subtopic, but God wants me to go back to it and elaborate on ALTARS because there are questions many could ask about how it seems to be more important than a man’s life.

You could ask: what do you mean about honouring an Altar – an inanimate structure for burning stuff?

So, let’s somehow define the ALTAR first, shall we?

Gen 8:20 And Noah builded AN ALTAR unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the ALTAR. KJV

That was the first biblical mention of the word: Altar. Noah built one after God brought the Ark safely to rest.

However, there might have been an earlier reference to an Altar, though it may not have been standard then, or it was much less than what you might want to call an Altar.

Read this…

Gen 4:3-4 At the designated time Cain brought some of the fruit of the ground for AN OFFERING TO THE LORD. But Abel brought some of the firstborn of his flock – even the fattest of them. And the LORD was pleased with Abel and his offering, NET

When Cain and Abel made offerings to God, it was not specified how, nor on which platform they made offerings, especially because it’s funny to imagine how you offer Fruits on a fiery Altar, right?

Anyhow, it must have been an Altar nonetheless and God either accepted or rejected what was offered on it.

Gen 12:7 The LORD appeared to Abram and said, "I will give this land to your descendants." ABRAM BUILT AN ALTAR TO HONOR THE LORD WHO APPEARED TO HIM THERE. ERV

The 1st definition of ALTAR is a Place where we make offerings unto God.

Technically, it is for sacrifices, which implies something that must cost you dearly.

Hence, we see the kind that Abel offered to God.

Gen 4:3-4 One day, Cain gave part of his harvest to the LORD, and Abel also gave an offering to the LORD. HE KILLED THE FIRST-BORN LAMB FROM ONE OF HIS SHEEP AND GAVE THE LORD THE BEST PARTS OF IT. The LORD was PLEASED WITH ABEL and his OFFERING, CEV

He gave the First-Born and Best part of it. that signifies ACCEPTABLE offerings on God’s Altar.

But you see, if we stopped there, then many will [erroneously] conclude that God was excitedly concerned about fat offerings of oxen, goats, sheep and Lambs.

No!

We must [only] perceive the “spiritual angle” of things.

Firstly, we all know that God does not [need to] eat animals or flesh, right?

Psa 50:9-12 I WILL TAKE NO BULL OUT OF YOUR HOUSE, NOR HE-GOATS OUT OF YOUR FOLDS. For every beast of the forest is Mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills. I know all the birds of the mountains; and the wild beasts of the field are Mine. IF I WERE HUNGRY, I WOULD NOT TELL YOU, for the world is Mine, and the fullness of it. MKJV

Beloved, this is the 1st point about the importance of the Altar: the spiritual Altar set between God and Man, is not for Goats and Rams, but for Men’s lives; it is your whole Life on God’s Altar, Period!

This is why the Bible placed the “order” in Gen 4:4: God first accepted Abel (the sacrifice), then his offering.

Only a man who is “given” wholly to God will always think of giving the best to God. Do you agree?

Heb 10:5-7,9 So that when he comes into the world, he says, YOU HAD NO DESIRE FOR OFFERINGS, BUT YOU MADE A BODY READY FOR ME; You had no joy in burned offerings or in offerings for sin. Then I said, See, I have come to do your pleasure, O God as it is said of me in the roll of the book… Then he said, See, I have come to do your pleasure. HE TOOK AWAY THE OLD ORDER, SO THAT HE MIGHT PUT THE NEW ORDER IN ITS PLACE. BBE

So, God has no pleasure in burnt offering but rather gave Jesus a BODY, why?

To bring it and lay it on the Altar instead.

Do you think it is any different requirement for us too?

No way!

Rom 12:1 Beloved friends, what should be our proper response to God’s marvelous mercies? I ENCOURAGE YOU TO SURRENDER YOURSELVES TO GOD TO BE HIS SACRED, LIVING SACRIFICES. And live in holiness, experiencing all that delights his heart. For this becomes your genuine expression of worship. TPT

Oh yes, we are fortunate that God’s demand on our lives as Sacrifice is not as profound as on Jesus’.

Jesus [really] died to free us from the repercussions of Sins but we are to be Living Sacrifices to carry out God’s mission here on earth.

That’s why God didn’t really take Abraham’s son, Isaac.

Gen 22:12-13 "DON'T HURT THE BOY OR DO ANYTHING TO HIM," he said. "Now I know that you honor and obey God, because you have not kept back your only son from him." ABRAHAM LOOKED AROUND AND SAW A RAM CAUGHT IN A BUSH BY ITS HORNS. HE WENT AND GOT IT AND OFFERED IT AS A BURNT OFFERING INSTEAD OF HIS SON. GNB

God does not need us dead but LIVING, and only as SACRIFICE. Meaning that you relinquish your whole life to Him in service and have no more say as to what you do or where you go.

Did you get that?

1Co 6:19-20 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, AND YOU ARE NOT YOUR OWN? FOR YOU WERE BOUGHT AT A PRICE. Therefore glorify God with your body.NET

In a figure of speech, the Altar receive your [relinquished] life for God, roasts you till you die totally and become a carcass, and you are now just a mere hollow vessel to be filled and used by the Spirit.

Got it?

Gal 2:20 “MY OLD IDENTITY has been co-crucified with Messiah and NO LONGER LIVES; for the nails of his cross crucified me with him. AND NOW THE ESSENCE OF THIS NEW LIFE IS NO LONGER MINE, for THE ANOINTED ONE LIVES HIS LIFE THROUGH ME—we live in union as one! My new life is empowered by the faith of the Son of God who loves me so much that he gave himself for me, AND DISPENSES HIS LIFE INTO MINE! TPT

Beloved, I said not [categorically] that the Altar is more important that our lives, no!

I am not making comparison here, but how IMPORTANT is a Fiery place of God that – in God’s preference – accepts the sacrifice of our lives above that of mere animals?

Selah!

May God find our lives worthy of His service and friendship, in Jesus name.

Join us on Wednesday for more digging in as we prod further into this enlightening subtopic.

Keep Shinning!

Brother Prince

Monday, December 12, 2022

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