#then when you inevitably start getting called out for your weird ass behavior start joking about school shootings like okay...

[thottybrucewayne]

I hate when we talkin shit about America and here come a white European trying to get they crack in like...I KNOW DAMN WELL YOU NOT TALKIN?????????

[thestarrynightslover]

How to Say I Love You

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Word count: 2,582

Warnings: Smut implied.

Summary:  One day, Jay takes it upon himself to be an extra-cute boyfriend. The reason? It takes (y/n) a while to find out.

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the One Chicago shows, or its characters, also not associated with it in any way or know anyone involved with it.

A/N: Posting super late because the day was hard. So, just some more Jay fluff to brighten our days. Hope you like it!

(y/n) = (your name) (y/l/n) = (your last name) (y/n/n) = (your nickname)

| masterlist |

As soon as you woke up, you felt light kisses being pressed to all of your very exposed skin, and an inevitable smile came to your lips.

“Good morning, princess.” Jay whispered in your ear with a husky voice.

“Good morning for you too, baby.” You answered him while bringing his face closer to yours. On that movement, before you could kiss him, you caught a glance of your bedside clock. “Oh my God, Jay! Look at the time! I thought we’d agreed to get as much sleep as we could after last night!” You quickly reprehended him. “Or have you forgotten that both of us still have to go to work today?” You asked, trying to sound annoyed at him when the most you managed to do was breathe out was a moan, as he nibbed your earlobe.

“Oh, I know how much you like sleeping, babygirl. But I know that there are a few things you’d give up your sleep for.” He stated in a very sexy tone.

“And what exactly makes you think that you’re one of those things?” You teased your boyfriend, hoping he’d respond to it like you thought he would.

“Ah, just a little something,” he teased back while slowly putting his hand between your legs, not even bothering to lift the hem of the shirt you were wearing, “like this.”

“Oh, Jay…” And, just like that, you were completely fine with waking up early.

                                                          ---

Throughout the day, you just couldn’t keep the smile off your face, as your boyfriend took it upon himself to be the cutest person in the world. Why? You had no idea. All you knew was that he'd gotten the day off but, since you couldn't the same, he'd decided to go to work nonetheless.

His romantics for no apparent reason started with a bouquet of your favorite flowers and a note that read:

“Will you be my lunch date today? *blinking face*

P.S.: 12:00 - 13:00 is all I have. Sorry, doll :(

Meet me at our spot?

⎼ Your bae.”

He used bae. If he wasn’t so cute, and if you didn’t love him so much, you would have cringed at the choice, and he knew it. Ah, that man...

A few hours after that, you went to meet Jay for lunch at your spot ⎼ which was one of the benches along the Riverwalk, where you’d first met ⎼, absolutely decided on calling him out for being so mushy. But, as you walked closer towards him, you could see that your boyfriend was holding a picnic basket in one hand, and a bottle of champagne in the other, and, as corny as that was, you couldn’t help but grin. 

“Drinking on duty now, detective?” You asked, raising your eyebrow at him.

“Nope. This one’s without alcohol. And, trust me, you’ll like it.” He told you, a sweet smile on his lips.

“Hum, maybe... But I wouldn’t really mind if it was bad either.” You half-whispered at Jay.

“Oh no?” He asked you with a smirk this time.

“No. The company makes up for anything else.” You said while moving to kiss him.

“Geez, babe, you're such a dork!" He said, making fun of you after the kiss was over.

"Really? That's what you're going with?" You, the dork? Big joke.

"What else can I say if it's the truth?" Jay asked you through his lashes, an innocent expression in-face.

"Look who's talking!" You said while rolling your eyes.

Not long after that, he put an end to your little banter. Saying that he didn't wanna spend another second of the few moments the two of you had until the evening arguing was an understatement. You agreed, even though you knew that both of you secretly enjoyed the bickerings as well as you did everything else.

Later, on that same day, when you were about to leave work, you decided to call your boyfriend.

"Hey, babe." He answered, on the fourth ring, voice letting on some tiredness.

"Hey there, handsome! I'm already leaving work, think I’mma go swim a little. Unless… There's a chance you're getting off a little earlier yourself?" You tried your luck, thinking about making him relax a little before you two left for dinner.

"Uh… Sorry, babe, I don't think I'll be able to." A deep sigh. Something was wrong.

"Jay. Is everything okay?" Another sigh. Shit.

"It's nothing for you to worry about, baby. Just a pain-in-the-ass case we can't seem to solve. When all I wanted to do was be home with you." He confessed.

"Huh. Now, tell me, who's the dork?" You heard his muffled laugh over the phone.

"I am. You know it. I know it. Everyone who knows us knows it." At that, you were the one who giggled. "And, believe me, I bear the title with pride." More laughing, from both of you this time.

"Okay, then… So, um, is there anything I can do? Maybe we cancel that dinner reservation?"

"No! No, not at all! You just… Go do your swimming and don't worry about me, okay?" Jay sounded a bit weird this time, but you brushed it off, thinking that it was just the stress of the day.

"Okay…" You replied, still unconvinced. 

"Alright, I gotta go now. Love you."

"Okay, bye. Love you too. Be safe!"

"Always, baby." With that, he hung up quickly, which he never did ⎼ always dragging the conversations for as long as he could. But, once again, you decided to do what your boyfriend told you to and not worry about it.

It was already a bit into the evening and you were stretching your body to leave the swimming pool, when you saw him. Jay. So you got out and walked over to him.

"Fancy meeting you here, miss (y/l/n)." He greeted innocently.

"Well, this is a surprise. Yet another one. On the same day." You said, just to let him know that his weird behaviors weren't going by unnoticed.

"Ah, you know what they say… Gotta keep the relationship interesting!" Ha, ha. He was up to something. So you just gave him a suspicious look. To which he answered with a huge smile, saying: "What?"

"Nothing. Nothing besides the fact that you're up to something. What is it?"

"Oh. My. God." Jay said emphatically, faking offense. "I'm offended. You think that poorly of me?"

"What do you mean?" You asked him, a bit confused this time.

"You really think that I can't just try and brighten my princess's day?" He said, walking closer to you this time.

"Well, I guess that I wouldn't object to that, but what I'm saying is tha-" Before you could finish your sentence, he was pulling you towards him, pressing your bodies on a tight embrace and kissing you passionately. 

"Oh no, Jay, you should let me go! I'm all wet!" You squeal out as Jay keeps holding you up in the air against his firm abdomen.

"I don't mind." He told you with a shrug of shoulders. "I'm used to having you like this." He, then, whispers in your ear and you can feel his smirk, as he kisses your neck.

"Jay!" You hissed in fake disapproval. "We're in public! You can't be saying these things to me in public!"

"Sorry, baby. But you know that I just can't help myself around you." He tells you, deliberately taking his time. At that, you just throw back your head in laughter. "Besides, it doesn't seem to me like you're feeling all that bothered with my actions…"

"But I am!" You said assertively. But then you remembered your conversation from earlier and asked him, in a softer tone: "Hey, um, how did the case go? Are you still feeling up for the dinner thing?" As soon as the words left your mouth, you watched Jay shift his entire demeanor.

"Yeah! We're definitely still going! And, as I told you before, the case was just a pain in the ass, nothing more." He sounded nervous. Weird. Like he was hiding something.

"Jay…"

"Let's just go, okay? Cause we still need to get ready for dinner. I already put your stuff in the duffel bag. My car's right outside." Jay told you quickly, like he didn't wanna give you time to make any conclusions.

"Okay, then…"

                                                           ---

“C’mon, (y/n/n)! We’re running late!” You heard your boyfriend shouting for you to come out of your shared bedroom.

“Hey! Don’t you dare to rush me! Not when you’re the reason I’m running late in the first place!” You sharply answered, stepping out into the living room whilst putting your earring on. “Besides, that place we’re going is just too fancy. I need to look perfect.” You added more calmly, only now realizing how Jay was staring at you. “What? Is something wrong?”

“Wha- wrong? No! No!” He quickly assured you and closed the distance between the two of you. “You already look perfect. Every single day.”

“What? Jay, I’m serious!” You pouted, giving him an annoyed glare.

“I am too! You look gorgeous, baby.” He told you with that glorious smile of his. “And, really, there’s just no place on the planet that could make you look any less gorgeous.”

“Okay, now you’re just trying to get me to hurry up!” You accused, hitting him with considerable strength in the chest.

“Ouch! That hurt! And, yes, I am trying to hurry you up! Because we have a reservation!” He yelled at you in response. If it was any other time, you would’ve argued with him, of course. But even you had to admit he was right, you were on the clock.

“Okay, okay! I’m just gonna grab my purse and we’ll go!” You shouted back, already from the bedroom.

After that, the two of you managed to leave your apartment and get to the restaurant on time, due to Jay promising the cab driver a doubled pay if he went faster.

As soon as you arrived, though, you saw it was worth it. You still had no clue of what got in your boyfriend’s head to take you out on this kind of date for no apparent reason like that, especially after everything else he’d already done, but you obviously weren’t about to complain either.

 The maître walked both of you two to a table on the upper floor of the establishment, it had an amazing view of the city and it was a pretty reserved space. So, right after you'd placed your orders and been left alone, you half-squealed at Jay:

"Oh. My. God." Your smile was wide and your eyes were shining. "This place is incredible, babe!" He looked at you with devotion, clearly amused by your reaction.

"I know right? I'm really glad we got to come here." He stated, his whole behavior letting you know that he was just as impressed.

And, like that, the evening flew by and you caught yourself stifling yawn after yawn.

"Baby, you’re not too desperate to go home, are you? Because there's still one thing I wanna show you." Your boyfriend said, pulling you by your hand to get up. Then, he guided you to that part where you'd been able to view most Chicago, earlier in the night.

"Wow," you said, leaning against the balcony to see the details, "this really is great, babe." When you’d walked past this part you wondered about why they hadn't put any tables there, only a small couch, but now you knew. They didn't want to make that space ⎼ that landscape ⎼ prisoner of one couple, or one family, that would most likely stay there the entire night.

"It is." He agreed with you.

"You know, I hadn't brought it up yet, because I thought that you'd eventually tell me on your own, but you've been acting a little weird the whole day. This morning in bed, the flowers, then the picnic lunch, picking me up at swimming, and now this… You didn't sound too good on that call either, and I gotta admit that when you said we were going out for a fancy dinner, I didn't think it'd be here, where it's practically impossible to get a reservation. So, just… Talk to me, Jay."

"(y/n/n)... Would you even believe me if I told you that that's what I've been preparing to do the whole day?" He asked you with a shy smile.

"Will you be mad at me if I say no?" You asked, a bit apprehensively. He just laughed.

"Nah, not really." He told you jokingly. "But I have." He said, more serious this time. “Baby, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” He started telling you.

“Jay-” You whispered nervously, sort of anticipating what was about to happen.

“No, just- just please let me finish. I need you to understand how important you are to me, princess. Hell, I know that words aren’t really my strongest suit, but you deserve to know that you’re my light, my lifeline, my happiness… You’re my everything, (y/n/n). My entire world. And, because of you, now I think that it is actually okay to dream, to hope for a better future, for a future. That’s why I wanna ask you, tonight, to be my future, just like you already are my present.” At that moment you couldn’t keep the tears off of your face anymore, and you would’ve jumped him right then if he hadn’t gotten down on one knee. “Will you marry me, (y/n) (y/l/n)?” He asked you with a timid smile and teary eyes of his own. As you took in the man you loved, kneeled before you, holding an open box with the diamond ring you’d recognized as being his mother’s, you just stood there crying, not managing to say anything. “B- baby? Please say something.” Jay spoke again, letting out a nervous choked laugh. So you forced yourself to answer him.

“Oh m- my God, yes!!” You squealed out.

“Yes?!?” He repeated what you said, still on the ground.

“Of course, yes!!!” You confirmed, pulling him up to kiss you. While at it, your boyfriend, now fiancé, almost dropped the small velvet box he was holding.

“Okay,” he started, chuckling, after the two of you parted a little, “let me put this thing on your finger before you back down!”

“Ha, ha. As if I was going to! You’re only in a hurry because you’re scared you’ll drop your mom’s ring.” You bickered a little, letting him know that you recognized the jewelry, to which he responded with a bright smile, saying:

“It’s your ring now, princess. And, trust me, she’d love you almost as much as I do if she were still here.” He told you, shining eyes meeting yours, as he slipped the stunning piece in your finger.

“Jay.” You breathed out as the tears resurfaced in your eyes. “It is so beautiful…” You told him looking down at the ring you had in-hand. “And… You really mean that?”

“100%, princess. If I’m being honest, there are a lot of times when you actually remind me of her…” He said, tearing up a little.

“Awww, babe...” You said throwing your arms around him again.

And that’s how you two stayed. Just holding each other, under a very starry night in Chicago. More than ready to start walking down that new road together.

[bffsoobin]

Apartment 370

↳everything about your apartment was perfect. Aside from your neighbor. Choi Soobin has become the bane of your existence. You can’t go a single day without looking over your shoulder for your misleadingly handsome neighbor. Just how many petty pranks does he think he can get away with?

➤ enemies to lovers!au, neighbors!au, arguments, petty behavior, swearing, fluff

Word Count: 3,062

Requested?: yes

Warnings: none really other than swearing and Soobin kind of being an ass. I also didn’t proof read or edit this, as per usual.

A/N: To be honest I’m feeling a little unsure about this? I loved the concept and I’m very glad that a lovely follower requested it but I feel like lately all of my writing has started out really well and then just got progressively worse? Like all of the endings I write are just kind of lame? Just a weird insecurity I’ve been encountering lately. So please leave me some feedback on what you think about this!

•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:••:•.•

You loved your apartment. It was small, but just right for you to live in. The shower had hot water, your bedroom had a beautiful window for your plants to sit on and the wifi connection was always working well. You even only had to travel up two flights of stairs if your elevator stopped working. There were a lot of pros to living at your complex. But there was one, massive, glaring and obnoxiously loud con. Choi Soobin. When he had moved in next to you, you tried to be nice. You knocked on his door and introduced yourself; making some kind of lame joke about borrowing sugar. 

He didn’t laugh. He just introduced himself back and apologized for not having any sugar. Apologized? Had he really missed the joke that bad? Your delivery had been impeccable. Despite his charming face and annoyingly adorable style, you decided there was no way you could be friends with someone who didn’t understand a classic joke. 

Soobin must have decided there was a reason he didn’t like you either, because just about a week into being neighbors he began to wreak havoc. He played music as loud as it possibly could be at the weirdest times of the day and yelled at his television way too much no matter what he was watching. It seemed like every day you had to storm over and knock on his door to complain. This went on for weeks until he finally agreed to stop when you threatened to involve your burly landlord in the matter. 

For a few days, you enjoyed peace and quiet. You came and went from work without seeing him, took naps in silence and remembered how it felt to cook in your own kitchen without the sound of a twenty something year old man screaming at reruns of Survivor as background music. 

As they say, ignorance is bliss, because little did you know Soobin’s silence was about to erupt into a new, massive volcano of stupidity. One night you woke up around 4 am to the sound of scratching coming from the wall that connected your and Soobin’s bedrooms. You were already annoyed at the fact that you had to be up at 7am to pick up an early shift for your slacking coworker, so you didn’t have it in you to just roll over and go back to bed. You couldn’t have if you wanted to anyway because the scratching noises were only getting more and more persistent. You flung yourself out of bed with a groan. Pets were allowed here, and it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that Soobin had gotten a cat who decided to be a little extra scratchy. 

You poured yourself a glass of water in the kitchen, hoping to clear your mind and sort your thoughts. In the silence of the night, you could hear Soobin’s panicked voice through the thin walls. It sounded like he was on the phone with someone, as you could hear pauses as if he were listening to someone else. What a weird fucking dude, you thought. With eyes still drooping you walked back to your bedroom. The cat would have to be done scratching at the wall by now, right?

Wrong. The same consistent noise that would surely haunt your dreams still persisted. Knowing Soobin was awake gave you enough grounds to throw on a sweatshirt over your sleep clothes and go knock on his door. 

When it swung open, you could see just how distraught he was. His usually fluffy hair was flat and knotted and his eyes were sporting huge dark circles that only made the panic in them amplified. Wait, panic?  

“Y/N, I’m really sorry but you need to leave,” he had the door open just far enough to stick his head and shoulders out, as if he were trying to hide something. 

“No, Soobin. I heard your cat scratching at the wall and it’s annoying the hell out of me. I can’t sleep. Can’t you lock it in the bathroom or something?” His face scrunched in confusion. 

“A cat? I don’t have a cat.” Your insides boiled with hatred at the idea of him trying to lie his way out of this. 

“Listen up Choi. Unless you have a dragon in your bedroom scratching the shit out of the walls, I don’t want to deal with your lies. Just take care of it! I need my beauty sleep and you and your noisy cat aren’t helping at all.” Soobin’s face paled and for a second you thought that you had finally won. And then Soobin said:

“It’s not a cat. It’s a racoon.” 

You almost fell onto your ass right in the hallway. Soobin’s eyes sparked with a type of mirth you never thought such an admittedly gorgeous face could possess. 

“I’m calling the landlord.” You snapped the door shut in his face and turned away.

That had apparently been the final straw for Soobin. The next day when you got back from work, you found a handwritten “RACOON HATER” sign taped to your door. What you found inside was somehow even more unsettling. Your whole living room and kitchen had been essentially trashed. Throw pillows and blankets were thrown haphazardly on the floor, many of your photos and art you had on the walls were switched around or taken down altogether. And the worst of it all; everything was covered in a fine dust of glitter. It was a struggle to find a single surface that wasn’t covered in glitter, really. 

A new type of dislike for Choi Soobin brewed in your stomach. Hatred. Your kitchen counter- also covered in a dust of chunky silver glitter- became the victim of your frustrations as you slammed your hands down. It would cost you so much time and money to get all the glitter out of your living spaces, let alone the fact that you'd inevitably be leaving some behind for the next poor soul to rent this apartment. Gritting your teeth, you went to work with your poor little vacuum. 

You had only managed to clean your coffee table and half of your couch before you heard a series of loud knocks on your door. You grumbled at the idea of having to take a pause in your work but you trudged over to the door anyway. 

To be honest, you had no idea who you were expecting to see behind your apartment door-which you belatedly realized was still decorated with Soobin’s handmade sign- but you didn’t think it would be the man himself. 

Soobin stood in the hallway, picture perfect as always. His face was tan and smooth and free from any possible blemishes. Had he plucked his eyebrows? They were groomed to neat perfection. His tall frame was dwarfed by a fuzzy blue sweatshirt that was easily a size too big. If you had met him by chance on the street, you would have fallen in love in an instant. But you knew better. You knew he was the one who reduced your once lovely apartment into the mess it was now.

“Oh, sorry,” he feigned innocence, “are you busy?” He didn’t even try to hide the smirk that blossomed on his face. A grumble of a curse fell from your lips before you responded. 

“Yeah. Some asshole decided to break into my apartment and spread glitter on everything. So yes, I’m sort of busy,” you laced your voice with enough venom to kill a horse, and it seemed as if Soobin had gotten the message as he shrunk back into the hallway a bit. His mouth opened and shut in rapid succession as he struggled to find the perfect retort. 

“I-” he cut himself off as his soft eyes became hyper focused on a spot on your face. Suddenly you were a new combination of concerned and offended. His hand hesitantly rose toward your face before the softness of his fingertips made contact with your cheek and brushed something away. You held your breath the entire time, unsure if you should be upset or worried or utterly lost in the way his skin felt against yours. The contact was brief but still made your skin burn bright red. When his hand left your cheek, you saw that he had brushed away a piece of glitter that was now resting delicately on his fingertip. 

“Sorry,” he hurried out, “I just wanted to get the glitter off of your face.” His whole demeanor had changed, and you were sure that whatever plan he had in mind when he knocked on your door had vanished. 

“Okay, weirdo,” you tried to ignore the way you were yearning to feel his touch again, “I’m still busy so can you like, go away?” Upon hearing your words he turned away to head for his apartment door with ears as red as you’d ever seen them. 

Although the glitter incident was now months behind you, you still often found pieces in random spots around your home. And Soobin was still a pain in your ass. He had been quiet for close to two weeks after your odd encounter and you were almost convinced that he had changed his ways. You were quickly proven wrong when he conned the man who works the front desk into hiding your mail for a week straight; making you subsequently late to paying some of your bills. 

More recently, a new person had moved into the apartment across the way. The first day you met him, you were busying yourself with taping up Soobin’s door with bright pink duct tape from the outside. Your new neighbor-who you learned to be named Yeonjun- had squatted down right next to you and offered to help tear pieces of the tape. 

You and Yeonjun had become fast friends. He was incredibly charming and willing to lend an ear every time you needed to complain about Soobin. For a while, you were almost able to forget the fact that the devil incarnate lived next door to you. While your work schedules tended to be a little crazy, the two of you managed to talk for at least a few minutes every day. He helped you gain some sanity back within your apartment hallway. 

Despite also being friends with Soobin, Yeonjun never took sides in your little feud; but you were always secretly worried that somehow Soobin would put a bug in his ear. One day, about two months after Yeonjun had moved in, he knocked on your door while you were in the middle of making dinner. You invited him in but he hesitated. 

“I just came to talk to you,” he bit into his bottom lip, “I really like you. But I don’t see us ever being more than friends. I hope you understand.” You scrunched your eyebrows. Where was this coming from? 

“Uh okay? I know that. I don’t like you...like that, Yeonjun. Did you hit your head or something?” You were seriously confused. Yeonjun’s eyes widened comically. 

“Well Soobin said that-“ as soon as the words fell out of his mouth Yeonjun put together the invisible puzzle pieces. His face morphed into extreme regret.  “I’m so sorry. I should have known it was part of your weird prank war. You should have seen how convincing his acting is though, he really had me thinking you had a crush on me.” You scoffed at the idea of Soobin beginning to spread rumors to one of your closest friends just for the hell of it. If Yeonjun hadn’t been mature enough to address it right away, you could have gone through weeks of confusion about why he was avoiding you.

You looked back at your kitchen, catching sight of the steaming bowl of ramen you’d just finished making. Sighing, you shut your door behind you to stand in the hall with Yeonjun. He looked sheepish in your presence as you laid a hand on his shoulder. 

“I’m not mad at you, Yeonjun. I’m going to talk to the bane of my existence,” you gestured toward the door with the shiny ‘370’ plaque. “Just don’t bother calling the landlord if you hear yelling.” As soon as you heard the sound of Yeonjun’s door snapping shut, you laid into Soobin’s door with a heavy knock. As soon as it was opened far enough, you wedged your body inside and subsequently sent Soobin stumbling backwards. 

“How dare you?” You roared, throwing your hands in the air dramatically. “I’m fine with your petty pranks and all the other stupid shit you pull against me because that’s all between the two of us. At least it’s funny and gives me something to think about in my free time. But when you start to involve my friends? That’s way too far. There was no reason to rope Yeonjun into this. He’s your friend too, Choi.” Soobin seemed surprised that you had come in with so much to say right off the bat.

“Y/N it’s really not that big of a deal. I just wanted to see if you actually had the capacity to have a crush on someone. And you’ve been spending so much time with Yeonjun I figured he’d be the perfect person to test my theory with, plus the humiliation factor of him not liking you back would have kept me entertained for days” he sat down on his couch casually, “I guess he had to break it to you that you aren’t as flirty and irresistible as you think you are, huh?” The air crackled with tension as you gawked down at his sprawled form.

“What are you even saying? Yeonjun and I are just friends. And why does it matter to you if I have the capacity for a crush or not? You hate me. If you’re just waiting until I get a boyfriend so that you can come in and ruin it all with your shitty vendetta then you’re much worse of a person than I ever pegged you for!” Tears welled in your eyes but you wiped at them angrily. Out of all the fights and disagreements you’d ever had with Soobin, this was the first one that stirred an odd emotion in the pit of your stomach. You were tired of the back and forth. Soobin seemed oddly alarmed at the formation of your tears as he got up from the comfort of his couch and approached you like a wounded dog. 

“Trust me, I have no grand plan to ruin your life at every turn even though that’s what you think. You spend so much time with Yeonjun, I thought maybe you liked him. I knew he didn’t like you because when I told him that I-” Soobin actually clapped his own giant hand over his mouth as the words hung in the air between you. Anger shot through your mind at the idea that he didn’t even have the guts to relay the entire story. 

“You what? You’re so wrapped up in your own little world but you can’t even finish telling me what you said to someone else? I can’t believe you, honestly,” you turned and made your way toward his door, wanting nothing more than to go home and take a hot shower. Soobin’s hand clasped around your wrist as he gently yanked you away from the exit. His strong grip kept you standing right in front of him and although you struggled against him, there was no use. 

“I told him that I like you.” For a second, you thought that you had misheard him, but he continued. “I told Yeonjun that I like you. And he told me that I should go for it, because he doesn’t see you as more than a friend. But I freaked out so I told him that you liked him. I knew you probably actually didn’t.” 

Your brain was short circuiting at the confession. Choi Soobin, who had complicated your life beyond belief since the day he moved in months ago liked you? 

“But,” your eyebrows drew together as you tried to comprehend it all, “you hate me, Soobin. We have a whole...rivalry! There’s no way you actually have feelings for me. I swear if this is just another prank I’ll shove my hand so far down your throat-“ Soobin threw his hands up in front of his body in a form of defense. 

“No! I don’t hate you, Y/N. I’ve liked you since the day we met. I just thought the pranks and petty stuff was like...our way of hanging out? That’s why I kept doing them. I thought you were having fun with me.” It was ridiculous how much he sounded like a little boy explaining his side of the story to a teacher. It was even more ridiculous that the corner of your brain where you’d stuffed all your feelings for Soobin began to overflow. 

“Haven’t you ever heard that there’s much better ways to tell someone you like them? We could have spent the last 11 months not at each other’s throats if you would have just manned up and found out I like you too.” You saw the exact moment that the words finally processed and his entire face lit up with the recognition. 

A familiar, deeply dimpled smile grew across his face as his skin reddened. He clasped his hands in front of him and swayed back and forth on his feet. Before you could think to stop him, he leaned in close enough that you worried he could hear your heart thumping against your ribs. 

“You like me too?” 

“Yes, Soobin. I like you too. And I would like you even more if you stopped your stupid pranks,” you tapped his nose with your pointer finger twice. He nodded eagerly with his tongue sticking out from between his teeth slightly.

“Deal,” he stuck his hand out to you and you raised an eyebrow to silently ask if he was serious. His hand didn’t waver, so you grasped it firmly and pulled him toward your body until you could wrap him into a tight hug. It was an odd feeling, soaking in Soobin’s scent as he gently rocked the two of you back and forth in his apartment. Odd, but good. Perfect.

[twink-frank]

hi i’ve noticed the pencey prep gay conversation going on over on @awsugar and i have spent lots of time dissecting pencey prep lyrics and subjecting nathan @faggot-frank to my deranged ramblings so Here is my pencey prep super ultra mega gay lyrical analysis masterpost. it’s very long so its all under the cut but i will include a TL;DR for those who dont wanna read paragraphs of my deranged ramblings: Pencey prep uses lots of themes of: heartbreak, forbidden love, keeping love a secret, and toxic relationships. which none of that is gay on its own but combined with them almost never using gender indicators in their songs and the “nail in the coffin song” of 8th grade it ends up being a very Fruity Album.

I will be going through heart break in stereo in order and pointing out which lyrics and elements of certain songs jump out to me as Super Mega Gay and then summarizing my conclusions at the end <3

1 ) PS Don't Write

PS don't write is about leaving a toxic relationship, it has notes of moving on and leaving someone behind. "packed up all my shit / stole back all my tapes / left your spare key under the mat / this is not a joke / you'd better learn to take a hint / 'cause i'm not coming back / maybe you'll understand / when you're waking up alone / in a cold and empty bed." it has no gender indicators or pronouns which is the case in a lot of pencey prep songs, and something i'll bring up quite a bit. it also has general "coming of age" themes, something common in lots of pencey prep songs. which Yeah apply to straight people to but read in this context combined with future evidence can be pretty Fuckin Gay. "somewhere along the line / i found a hidden strength / i didn't know i had / standing on my own / cutting all the strings / that you used to control / surprise surprise / i am long gone / if you thought you could hold me down / by holding me up / you were wrong / you don't call the shots anymore." not to say only gay people can find inner strength and the room to love themselves but combined with other context it is a really poignant message about accepting yourself for who you are.

2) Yesterday

Yesterday is very repetitive and has a lot less to analyze, but the constant themes of wanting to "run away" strike me as very Fruity. once again, not saying gay people are the only people who can want to run away or escape from something But Combined With Other Context. and once again a song with no gender indicators, doesnt specify who the speaker is running away with or what they are running away from. just that they want to Leave. "i wanna run with you / i don't care what we do / gotta get out of this place / because it feels like yesterday." also saying "it feels like yesterday" could mean that the town feels backwards or old timey in its beliefs, implying homophobia. how the speaker wants to run away from an old fashioned town.

3) Don Quixote

i'm going to bring up the cultural significance of this title and literary reference first. Don Quixote is a classical novel by Cervantes which is about a crazy dude who thinks he's a knight, and goes on weird adventures with his best friend. It's typically used as a symbol of following your dreams and breaking free from what people expect of you. In the context of the song its used as a symbol of following your dreams with Someone. once again this someone is given no gender indicators. "you say it's not worth it / been burned too many times / if your spine's receding / you can borrow some of mine / don't go and quit right now / cause i'd follow you through hell." "you say so many things / and not a word of it was true / if you're still in that state of mind / i'd still vacation inside of you / cause i think you're worth every minute / and every dime that i spend / i'd spend all my time fighting dragons / just to keep you alive and talking." it's about wanting to spend time with someone, wanting to be with them no matter what. and its also about how this person feels unreachable, like being with them would be a fairytail but the speaker Still Reaches for it. "your imaginations running wild / round your deceptive heart / this is my crusade / and you're the unreachable star / but i'm reaching." talking about this person being unreachable and unattainble. which isnt gay By Itself  but again combined with the other context. FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

4) 10 Rings

another breakup song once again with no gender indicators, are you guys sensing a theme here? anyways this song is about someone cutting you off and then coming back suddenly wanting to talk again after breaking your heart. it has a sense of forbidden love, like this person Told the speaker they cant be together for Whatever Reason ;] and is now trying to come back and repair their mistake when the speaker is already hurt and reeling. "learn to live with decisions you make / i learned things from the break i can't forget / catch you doing drive-bys at 1 AM / it must kill you to know we can't be friends." "end of the summer you cut me off / i cut you out all the pictures i have." which this Isnt Gay By Itself. but bringing that phrase back with other context this is such a uniquely gay experience. being in love with someone and they cut you off Because theyre weirded out by that and then they try to come back, convince you it meant nothing.

5) The Secret Goldfish

my FAVORITE pencey song. this one has a lot. it's another breakup song about heartbreak and loss and im not even gonna dwell on the no gender indicators because yall see the theme now. it has themes of heartbreak and losing someone who is very close to you and having to let go of them and having to accept that this person cant be yours and you cant be with them. "land of the lost / i found myself in nothing / this time, promises broken find me / clutching to you for something / something that you're not / believing in what you say / it makes me lie awake at night / the truth, the truth is not what scares me / it's why you have to lie / all the time." here we see these themes of having to let someone go because they just Aren't The Same as you. "clutching to you for something / something that you're not." maybe like chasing after a straight boy and getting rejected? also the repetition of "heartbreak is forever" when you're young and gay losing that first person you felt some kind of love and attraction to can feel like the end of the world and can be a huge deal because of the lack of representation and guidance young gays get. and the themes of nothing lasting forever, the fact that gay people never get promised eternal love the same way straight people do.

6) 8th Grade

this song is the nail in penceys fucking coffin honestly. the rest of these songs have a lot of plausible deniability, just vague enough to maybe Not Be Gay. but framed in the context of 8th grade they all start to get a lil fruity. Im just gonna go through lyric by lyric for this one. "caught staring again / like a deer in the headlights / when you can't move fast enough / i take a hit for the team / pretty girl is blushing / i can't tell if she's disgusted / laughter starts to swell / someone gets the joke." this kid was staring at some cute boy ass and got caught and everyone is laughing at him for being gay. the "pretty girl" here is what most people think he's staring at but with the rest of the song it's obvious she's not the one he's looking at. "bells ring, i make my escape / helps a little, but doesn't save / beat downs a common thing / with us every day / maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools / so maybe i like the abuse / or maybe i just like you." literally This is the nail in penceys fucking coffin. "maybe i like the abuse or maybe i just like you." this kid purposefully takes beatings from his bully who is Obviously male if you take into context the next verse. because he Likes Him. "maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools" literally willingly taking beatings from his bully bc he has a crush. "another confrontation / you've got something to prove / your girl can't tell how tough you are / when you beat me up in the boys room." this just confirms that the subject of the song is a boy, and a tough macho boy with something to prove. maybe also hiding his own internalized homophobia through bullying? "well i made a big mistake / but i can't help who i like / this may not cost my life / but i am branded forever lame." LITERALLY ITS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. "can't help who i like" "branded forever lame" do i even need to fucking explain this oh my god. he got outed as gay, he Can't Help Who He Likes and is now branded forever as "the gay kid." the rest of the song is general "im gonna get back at my bully" stuff but literally THIS. THIS is the song that brands all penceys other very vague songs as 100% verified super mega ultra gay.

7) 19

this song has a lot less, and is more about internal struggle than anything. but it is the only song with a "she" pronoun in it. but there is one thing i wanna mention. "I scream out loud / but no one hears a sound / i take my life with lack of sleep / i believe the things i feel / the things i see are fooling only me." this song is about not believing what the world shows you, believing what you think is true in your heart and what You feel. not what anyone else tells you. which is a gay experience. believing in yourself and your heart and your feelings, believing theyre right and theyre true and valid. Also this song has a significance in coming right after 8th grade on the album, going from being 13 to 19, from being unsure in your feelings and angry about the people who dont like you to lost and hopeless but somewhat grounded in yourself.

8) Trying To Escape The Inevitable

this song is about an abusive and toxic relationship, knowing you Need to escape it but being so infatuated with the person you literally cant. “i have this reoccurring dream / you make it hard for me to breathe / i gave you everything i could / i gave up everything i owned / and when you smile it’s not for me / you offer little sympathy / your grasp so far exceeds your reach / i wake up, this is not a dream.” “i have this reoccuring dream / where you admit that you’re not happy / i know that you will never leave / you’re here just to torment me.” which like again this isnt an exclusively gay experience but it is very interesting when framed that way. in that gay people are way more likely to throw themselves into abusive and toxic relationships because they dont feel like they can get anybody else. the repetition of “i know i should run” makes it seem like the speaker Knows he should get out but he just Cant because what if he never finds love again? and the little reprise in the middle “i have a new dream / and everything is perfect / the sky is pink, yellow, green, blue, and orange / and all the past has been forgotten / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and i fell into your trap.” implying that even if he escapes, even in his dreams he still falls for this person because he feels like he cant have anything else.

9) Lloyd Dobbler

another love song about wanting to have someone but not being able to because of Unspecified Forbidden Reasons. “why are you so far away / even when you’re standing next to me? / your eyes give you away / telling secrets your mouht don’t feel like talking.” falling in love with someone, maybe sensing that they like you too. that they Are Like You and that they have a Secret they dont want to vocalize. do i even need to explain it at this point? and in the chorus “That I’ll be your lloyd dobbler / with a boom box out in the street / and i’ll be there if you need someone / even if he isn’t me.” saying you’ll be there for someone even if that person isn’t you, also the use of Pronouns which is big for pencey prep. which yes the use of “even if he isnt me” could imply a straight girl ooorrr....Fruit Behavior. also this line “There’s a norman rockewll painting / of two kids sitting on a bench / it reminds me of all the stupid things / i’d like for us to share, but i dont care.” normal rockwell is a painter that paints traditionally “american” scenes. like the american ideal, that maybe he wants with this person. but he knows he cant have, but its stupid and domestic and he wants it but he Cant Have It because of FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

10) Florida Plates

another of my favorite pencey songs, and this one brings back those tragic “love but we cant have it” themes, except with a more somber tone. instead of being angry or resentful or spiteful in the face of adversity. its an Acceptance, of what they had and how good it was and how it just Cant Last. “kiss a mouth to open eyes / stall one last moment before goodbye / drive in different cars in different directions / never write all the letters full of good words, better intentions / it’s for the best although we don’t know it / paper words will cheapen the moments we shared / it’s better if i say nothing at all.” it’s about knowing you have to leave someone, even if having them in the moment is great they Can’t Stay and you can’t even talk or write about the moments you had. which do i even need to explain it at this point? forbidden love, not being able to have each other, not even being able to Talk about it. its a secret, and painful one but its beautiful while you have it. Conclusion alright!!! thank you so so much if you read all the way through that i Know it was long i Know it was a lot of repetition but i wanted to make my point. pencey prep has very big gay themes in their music. with forbidden love, letting go, heartbreak, keeping secrets, toxic realtionships. which none of it is gay on its own but in the context of: almost none of the songs having clear gender indicators and always speaking really vaguely about the subject and Eight Grade the “nail in the coffin song” you can see my point thank you and goodnight.

[boneswriteswords]

The Lost Bottoms: Paul

Listen.

I’m not sorry. Not for this or the ones I’m writing for the other boys. 

NSFW warning. Soft Sub/dom shit. Pegging. 

Not my best work BY A LONG SHOT but whatever. Its content. 

~~~~~~

You and Paul rarely ever fought. Despite his seemingly endless energy, he was easy. Laidback. Chill. He rarely ever raised his voice in anger and he gave up on disagreements before they could go too far. The closest you had ever seen him to being snippy was when he was hungry and even then, it was never more than a snide comment. 

In the first month of hanging out with him, you quickly ascertained that he didn’t like direct conflict. He had no issues with fighting on the boardwalk when Marko or David inevitably started something with a security guard or the surf nazis. He’d be the first to jump into a dogpile to fight alongside his brothers. He was one of the first, if not the first, one to descend upon unsuspecting victims when hunting. He had no problems inserting himself into situations that were not directly related or influenced by him.  

But when it came to arguing with you or his brothers, he backs down. He does not like to feed and acknowledge discontent, preferring to ignore the problem until it sorts itself out. If one of his brothers raises their voice, he quiets his own. He will soothe and placate as best as he can. If all else fails, he will remove himself from the situation entirely, hauling himself bodily out of the immediate area. 

As months went by and the closer you got to Paul and his brothers, you started noticing that he would look at you when tensions were high. When his brothers were yelling at him or yelling at each other, he’d shift closer to you. If he was uncertain, he’d wait for you to respond or delegate. He put your opinion and direction over his own. He’d bend ass over tits if you had a bad day.

Underneath it all, you could see something was stewing inside of him. You never commented on this behavior or the weird look he would get on his face when he thought no one was looking. His brothers didn’t either but they understood him better than you did. Vampire connection and all that. 

But you should have said something. 

Because every couple fights. Every couple disagrees. It’s a given. Sure some fight less than others but there will always be disagreements and arguments. You cannot spend your life with someone without clashing a couple of times.

And clash you did. Paul, for the first time since you met him, got angry, bubbled over and scalding. In turn, you got angry. Together, you collided. You didn’t let him run when he started getting quiet, trying to diffuse the situation and he didn’t let you divert the topic at hand when it made you uncomfortable. Words pin wheeled back and forth. It was a messy and unexpected and neither of you were prepared for the emotional blow by blow.

However, because of Paul’s peacemaking and relaxed nature and your inability to stay mad at him for any period of time, the argument fizzled out and open communication was had. The matter was resolved and you learned something very interesting.

Because, as it turns out, Paul is capable of creating perfectly valid arguments with a buttplug in his ass.

“No offense,” you said, tone as conversational as you could make it with this new knowledge, “but why are you like this?”

Paul grins, stretching across the bed like a lazy cat as he tosses his fishnet shirt and leather pants to the floor, the hedonist that he is. “Babeeee, don’t you wanna see my shiny new toy?”

You grimace, “Please don’t call it that.”

Paul’s grin widens as he whispers “Its an assifier. A pacifier for my ass.”

You close your eyes, brows scrunched as he cackles at his own joke.

After a solid five minutes of cackling, he calms, staring up at you with manic glee. He must see something in the line of your shoulders because he sobers up, baby blues gazing at you.

“Hey Paul?”

“Yes babe?”

“Show me what you did to yourself.”

He whimpers out a curse, already falling into his desired headspace, and rolls over on his hands and knees. He arches his back and you can see the dark base of the plug between his cheeks. You let out a shaky breath, the sight enough to send waves of heat to your core.

“Baby boy,” you coo, kneeling on the bed on one knee, hand reaching out to stroke his back. He trembles under your touch. “Baby boy, I need you to tell me what you want tonight. You gave me such a pretty gift.”

“I want the pink one.”

You cock your head, a smile twitching the edges of your mouth. The pink dildo was the biggest one in your set.

“Feeling empty?”

Paul mewls, stretching his legs out farther and pushing his ass out, “Wanna be full of you.”

You knew that the residual effects of your very first argument as a couple was heavy on him. The tenseness in his shoulders told you how much he needed you to reaffirm that you loved him. He craved your body on his, covering his own.

Paul wanted to be vulnerable and on display for you. 

You loved him.

“Okay honeybabe. Okay,” you murmur, shifting to grab the necessary items from your trunk of playtime fun toys. You set them next to his head, letting him see your strap and his requested pink dildo. His eyes traveled from them to you as you stripped out of your clothes, hands reaching for him every few moments so he could feel your closeness. 

The strap slides on and you click the dildo in place. The bed dips as you slide behind Paul, hands reaching out to stroke along his back as he pants. You reach over and untie the red cloth from the headboard, sticking it in Paul’s left hand, grabbing the lube he keeps under the pillow afterward. Normal Paul was loud. Subspace Paul wasn’t. The red cloth alleviated the pressure from the lack of communication. 

“Check in,” you murmur, leaning over him to look him in the eyes. He was slipping fast, if the relaxed and open-mouthed expression were any indication. His eyes were cloudy, far away, and you knew he was floating. “Baby, you have to check in.”

“Yes, please, baby,” he replies dreamily, his body undulating like a snake. “Please, I wanna be good.”

“Okay honey,” you murmur, pressing kisses to the side of his face. You move his legs further apart, stroking up and down the backs of his thighs lightly as you adjust him. Snapping open the cap to the lube, you rubbed a good amount onto your fingers.

Paul shivered, little ‘ah-ah-ahs’ escaping his open mouth, and your core throbbed.

“Poor baby,” you coo, dipping your lube-wet fingers down Paul’s crack to trace the slick, stretched rim where the plug disappears, “you couldn’t wait to get something inside of you.”

Paul groans, rolling his body to shove his ass closer to your hands for more friction, “Mhmm...was empty. Missed you. Always miss you in the day. Needed to feel you.” HIs voice was a whisper, like he was sharing a secret. You rub against the skin a little harder and his body shudders.

He is beautiful, you couldn’t help but think, breath hitching as he pants into his pillow. So responsive with the slightest of touches and all for you. You lean over him, pressing little kisses along his back as you nudge at the toy, gripping the edge of it between two wet fingers. 

The hand not holding onto the cloth reaches out and grips onto your free, dry hand. You watch with bated breath as Paul brings your hand up to his mouth and catches your fingers between his lips, gentle and wet. His face twists in discomfort as you ease the plug out of him, his tongue darting between your fingers like silk. 

A twist of heat corkscrews up your spine at the way his hole clenches around nothing, overwhelming in its intensity. Your fingers fall from his mouth as you place the plug onto the bed and slip two of your lube-slicked fingers inside of him. You kiss against his lower back again, slipping a third finger in for the extra stretch. 

Paul seems to be content letting you ease him open, coddling his body with soft touches and kisses and words as he melts under you. You thrust your fingers lightly, barely removing them from the tight heat of his body and more little ‘ah-ah-ahs’ fall out of him. You rub against his prostate every third thrust just to hear him whine. Your thighs are damp with your own slick.

“Baby, baby, baby please,” Paul whispers after several minutes, “Put it in me. I want it. Want you to fuck me.” 

You waste no more time. You remove your fingers from his hole and shift up onto your knees behind him. Paul adjusts, opening his legs wide, arching his back just-so. Grabbing the lube, you slather a layer onto the pink dildo before tossing onto the bed somewhere. You rub the tip against his shiny hole before pushing in with devastating slowness.

Paul’s mouth drops open in a silent moan, head thrown back as he takes you in. His hips start rocking instantly, trying to fuck himself on your cock but you still his hips so he can’t sink all the way down. The dildo he chose was always hard to adjust to and you were not about to let him hurt himself.

“Fuck...fuck...” he whimpers, “Fucking....big, damnit. God dammnit. So big. Fuck me. Fuck me baby. I need it all.” 

And you do, guiding the rest of the cock into him until you bottom out. You start off slow, easing his body open with small thrusts before adjusting to fuck him harder. His mouth hangs open, breathing heavily in between whimpers and whines as you abuse his prostate. At some point, he lifts his head back up to look at you over his shoulder - something you know to mean that he needs to shift.

Paul gets lost in subspace sometimes and he needs to be reassured that its you with him and all of it is real. 

You lean over on the next thrust, your hand reaching out around his throat and guiding him up until he is sitting on your cock with his back against your chest.  His weight settles onto your lap, his thighs bracketing yours and the end of the dildo that wasn’t inside Paul was pressed up against your clit in the most delicious of ways. 

“Take it honey,” you grunt as one of your hands reaches up to grab his hair and yank his head back. “Fuck yourself on my cock. God, you feel so good. So fucking good.”

Paul clenches around the dildo, moving his body up and down while you meet him thrust for thrust. Your hand, the one not in his hair, trails down his chest, drawing little reverent patterns and flicking his nipples just how he likes. 

His cock is twitching valiantly against his belly as you fuck him and the choked noise he makes as you grip him sends a shudder through you. His thighs are taut as he lifts himself up and down and he throws his head back, throat bared for you to kiss along when he hits his own prostate. You see a flicker of fang before his head turns to capture your mouth with his.

You allow him to lick into your mouth, swallowing his whining whispered pleas for more, for harder. You murmur what a good boy he is against his lips. How much you love him. How much you want to see him cum all over himself.

It isn’t long before you both shatter. You pull away from his mouth to whine into the skin of his neck as you soak your thighs, hand tightening in his hair as he shoots into your hand and on his stomach. His body is a flex of muscle and fire as you fuck each other through the aftershocks, both of you breaking into millions of pieces and reforming. You are positive he can feel the swell of your heartbeat with each ragged breath you let out. 

You pulled out slowly, trembling. Paul whimpers as you separate from him and urge him up and off of you. You reach over to his hand and let out a sigh of relief to feel the cloth still in his hand. 

Paul lays on his back, his face tilted upward, peering at you through half-lidded eyes as he comes down. You leave the bed and detach the straps from your body, tossing the contraption away before rejoining Paul on the bed, enveloping him in your arms and kissing his face as your eyes swim with haziness.

“You did so well for me,” you coo as you stroke his sweaty hair away from his face, “but you always do, don’t you? My best boy. So good for me. I’m so proud.”

Paul preened under the praise, lifting himself up just enough to flop alongside you and tuck his face in your neck. His tongue darted out to lick a bead of sweat and he sighed.

“I-i know we apologized already but I...I just didn’t want to lose you,” he whimpers, clutching you tighter, “I didn’t want you to walk away and decided that I wasn’t worth it anymore. I-I...if it were possible, I’d go out into the sunshine and meet all your family. I’d give you a house and kids and a dog if you wanted. I’d get a job and give you everything. I’m so far gone on you. I’d do whatever you said I could as long as you wanted me and I could. ”

Your heart hurts at his admission. Jagged emotions jumble together, pushing outside of their edges and fighting for dominance inside your skin from all angles. 

“That - that would never happen honeybabe. I picked you. You picked me. You can tell me anything Paul,” you murmur into his hair as he nuzzles your throat, “Just don’t say it so quietly that I can’t hear. I know it wasn’t easy but I always want to hear you. This wasn’t easy. But....but this means that this hurdle is over. We are stronger now. We understand each other a little more. And when the next fight happens-” Paul whimpers at the idea - “we know how to handle it. We will get through it. I believe in us. I have so much more to say to you. Nothing is going to change that. ”

There is silence.

Paul shifts, pulling his head from its place in your neck to look you in the eyes.

“I have so much more to say to you too.”

~~~~

[artsybanchou]

I’m a big fan of 80s/90s anime and Ranma 1/2 played a big role in my childhood. The premise has sooooo much food for thought when it comes to looking at gender and specifically the performance of gender. I’m about to get INTO it, so, here’s your warning-- read more is a ramble. (LONG ramble)

Oh ho ho ho! WELCOME TO MY HELL!

Aight, so let me set the stage for you-->

Two people, who should not be parents, have a kid. The father, Genma, a fairly successful martial artist, takes their just-born son on a training journey without consulting the mother. By training journey, I mean that they travel all over the world with little to no money, either stealing from or scamming people in order to make sure they can eat, under the guise of training the son, Ranma, to become the greatest martial artist of the “Anything Goes” school of martial arts. One of the most frequent scams the father pulls is promising his son’s hand in marriage to various families in exchange for a dowry before running off with both his son and the dowry, never to be seen again. This-- inevitably-- comes back to bite them in the ass. But more on that later.

We don’t get to see a lot of Ranma’s childhood on the training journey, just the occasional incredibly horrific flashback to something that would become a national incident were it to happen in the real world. For example, at one point in time, his father finds a Chinese pamphlet of an ~ancient lost Chinese art~ that is INCREDIBLY POWERFUL!!!!! wow! It’s called Neko-ken. So he decides to teach his six-year-old this technique, although he can’t actually read Chinese so he does it based off the diagrams-- which detail a process of collecting a good number of cats, starving them for a few days straight, and then tossing his son, covered in fish sausages (possibly tied up, can’t remember), into the pit to fend for himself (and not be eaten alive) for hours on end. Surprise, surprise, Ranma comes out incredibly traumatized and with an intense fear of cats (something his father would’ve seen coming if he was able to read Chinese as the pamphlet says that someone would have to be crazy to try to teach someone this technique and that it causes severe psychological damage-- also could’ve been avoided if his father had any common sense or fatherly instincts, but hey that’s just asking too much of Genma). This is not the result his father wanted, so he tries to “fix” it by doing the exact same thing multiple times, just with different cat foods wrapped around his son because... I genuinely don’t know what his thought process was but yeah. So that’s just a tiny snapshot of what his childhood was like as well as how much of a massive idiot his father was. And since Ranma never interacted with his mother, guess who had the greatest influence in his development (yay........). (save him) (also this is based off my memory from watching the anime YEARS ago, so some small details might be wrong but the big, overarching “his dad is a terrible person” thing is still very much true even if some of these smaller details aren’t)

When Ranma is a teenager, his father brings him to a Chinese training ground full of cursed springs. The tour guide repeatedly tries to explain what exactly this place they’re visiting is, but the father and son pair are two hard-headed idiots and get right to sparring. Ranma knocks his father into a spring pretty quick only to be caught off guard when his father reemerges from said spring as a panda and grand slams our protagonist into another one of the cursed springs. Our manly man martial artist protagonist emerges from this spring as a dainty, busty teenage girl. /The horror./ The panic from both Ranma and his father’s deeply shaken fragile masculinities gives the tour guide enough time to reveal that they had fallen into the cursed springs of the drowned panda and the drowned girl (one guess who fell into which one) and that anyone who falls into a cursed spring will take on the form of the life form that drowned in it. They can return to their original bodies by being splashed with hot water but, from now on, every time they’re hit with cold (or even apparently lukewarm) water, they’ll change into these new cursed forms.

Now, I’m sure you all saw this coming from the type of man that Ranma’s father is based on everything I’ve said so far, but Genma is the worst(TM). So Genma is all, “no SON of MINE can be a GIRL! >:((((((” and Ranma, who has been raised for his entire conscious life by this man, and only this man, is also very much not Okay(TM) with this because he’s a man, a manly fighting man who was raised to be the manliest of fighting men who fight. He can’t be a GIRL. 

Except he totally can. Because these two start taking advantage of Ranma’s feminine body pretty much immediately in order to continue running scams so that they can eat and whatnot while traveling. Of course, Genma constantly shames Ranma by saying things like, “I can’t believe my son is such a failure of a martial artist, being a girl! I’m so ashamed!” and whatnot at every opportunity but especially when they are in an argument and Ranma is winning or if he needs Ranma to do something for him. He frequently manipulates his son by using this kind of guilt-tripping language as though it’s Ranma’s fault that his body is like this. Nevermind that they both frequently profit off of Ranma’s female body for scams, Genma still puts Ranma down for having it and Ranma internalizes that because he’s 15 and his father is the only person he’s ever known.

And I’m sure we all hate Genma now, as we should, because fuck Genma. What kind of woman would ever marry Genma? (And we assume a woman is married to Genma because how could a man this bigoted do anything other than marry a woman all traditional and whatnot). If only Ranma wasn’t taken from his mother so young. Maybe he would’ve turned out a better person~ Well, uh, bad news, lads :/  So, by the time we meet Ranma’s mom in the series, we’ve known most of these characters for a chunk of time. It’s already quite well established how terrible of a human being Genma is. Ranma may or may not have started the episode out admitting he doesn’t know much about his mom after being asked about her. A standard set-up. I don’t quite remember all the details of the episode, only the important things-- here’s the important thing: Genma’s wife, Nodoka, made Genma swear something to her before he took their toddler on a training journey all around the world. He had to raise Ranma to become “a Man among Men” (and we’ll talk about how she defines manliness) and, if he failed, then both he and Ranma must commit seppuku. 

Yeah, that's right. 

If her son isn’t enough of a man by her standards then he has to commit ritual suicide.

Her son who now transforms into a girl every time he is touched with at least a ladle’s worth water that isn’t steaming.

(hey have i mentioned save Ranma yet? save him seriously)

Her definition of manliness? All the shit the misandrists of tumblr swear is the inherent evils to all men. She thinks her son needs to be unapologetically forceful in /all/ he does. Especially in his romantic forays :///// (yeah this is going where you think it is)

When she does decide he isn’t manly enough (because Ranma was being sexually harassed by an old man who forcibly put him in a sailor outfit, no im not kidding, happosai, said old man, is a whole other element of the show that like holy shit) and tries to get him to commit seppuku, the solution the cast comes up with is to have Ranma “peek” at (his friend? girlfriend? fiance? frenemy? roommate? it’s weird-- technically they’re the two romantic leads but their chemistry is like -5 because she constantly physically hits him for things that really aren’t his fault and just ://) Akane while she is bathing and that will prove his manliness to his mother so that he doesn’t have to literally die. Will having Ranma be a fucking voyeur prove his manliness to his mother, you ask? Yep. This is Manly(TM) and so Ranma gets to live another day. Yay. Once again, molestation saves the day. (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) All of this is played off as a joke, for the record. No character is really acknowledged as being “a bad person” for any of this behavior-- not molester Happosai, not trying-to-kill-her-own-child Nodoka, etc. 

So these are the people who made Ranma. Who shaped this kid with the ability to spontaneously switch between male and female bodies (presuming he has water on hand). Also, obviously, Genma had more influence seeing as Ranma never saw his mother between the ages of two and (I think) 16(?), but. regardless, these are the people who shaped his understanding of gender. For all intents and purposes, our lad should be such a pressure cooker of toxic and fragile masculinity that he just about commits seppuku himself every time he ends up in his female body. 

But he doesn’t. In fact, Ranma is largely comfortable in his female body as long as his father isn’t trying to hold said body against him (wait did that come out wrong?). Ranma has no hesitations taking on his female form for something as little as a discount on ice cream. He makes the statement, “when it comes to eating out, being a girl is the only way to go”-- because he’s able to get an extra scoop for being “cute”

There’s a scene very early on in the series about exactly that which has always stuck with me. It opens with Ranma in his female body at a cafe with Akane and they both order fancy ice cream parfaits. Ranma is extremely excited and exclaims, “I’ve always wanted to try one of these!” 

Akane replies with, “don’t tell me you’ve never had ice cream before.”

And Ranma proceeds to explain that he’s never had ice cream like /this/ because it would be too embarrassing for a guy. When Akane asks if he isn’t embarrassed now, happily shoving huge spoonfuls of ice cream into his mouth, he responds with, “hey, I’m a girl now. It don’t count.” Akanes shoots back with a “REAL girls don’t eat like that” (because our lad is eating with such gusto-- he’s living, he’s thriving, he is demolishing that parfait and there is ice cream all over his face) 

He goes, “I’ll eat it however I want.” And then finishes the whole thing off and proclaims that he wants to order the chocolate one next.

Moments like that were the ones where I loved the show the most. We can see Ranma’s insecurities about his masculinity (thank you /soo/ much for that genma) in that he isn’t willing to perform an ‘unmanly’ action in public in his male body. He can’t be *seen* eating girly ice cream. But when he is admonished for not living up to feminine standards in his female body (eat more daintily), he just goes, ‘i’ll do what i want’. Young me really resonated with that, being born with a female assigned at birth body and growing up in Texas. 

It feels like there’s a trans narrative buried in the steaming hot mess that is this work by Takahashi Rumiko-- and it is abundantly clear that was never her intention so I wouldn’t exactly recommend trying to give her an award or anything. She said that she wanted to write a work with a male main character but was so worried about how many male readers she had, she made the decision to make (as she described) a half-male half-female main character (essentially so she could have her cake and eat it too if you will-- all the self aggrandizing fantasies of a male protagonist her male readers could imagine themselves as along with a copious amount of fan service-- the great majority of which was at Ranma’s unwilling expense in his female body which like ://////// (remember that old man I mentioned before??)--  with the female protagonist body). And, like, I’m not saying Takahashi Rumiko is a terrible person or anything-- I don’t know what her beliefs are, I only know her works which are quite old at this point. Takahashi Rumiko is a big deal in the mangaka world because she was one of the first big shonen mangakas who was openly a woman. Normally, men wrote shounen (which literally translates to boys) manga and women wrote shoujo (which literally translates to girls) manga-- the genres were literally divided along gender lines in terms of their intended audiences but also, to a certain extent, their creators. If a woman wanted to write/draw shounen, usually she had to use a pen name that sounded fairly masculine in order to not impact the perception of her work. Takahashi Rumiko was working in that environment so I would understand why she’d want to be careful but, at the same time, I still kind of hate a lot of the things that she normalizes in her works. Especially assault. Both physical and sexual assault she constantly used as a punchline. Not as much anymore. Her most recent work I’ve read was Rinne and the punchline with that one was that the male lead is super poor, literally penniless, and is constantly starving so hahahahha humor amirite? Pain being funny seems to be her through line now that assault is off the table. At least he isn’t constantly getting whole ass tables thrown at him by his love interest as though that’s supposed to be a cute relationship dynamic (Akaneeeeeeeee). I digress. Takahashi Rumiko’s works played a big fucking role in my childhood from Ranma to Inuyasha to Lum (which I encountered well into my teens and therefore didn’t jive with at all because I’d finally learned sexual assault =/= funny and this was one of her more dated works) and so on and just--  I don’t know if I can watch her older stuff the same way I used to. I’m scared to try, honestly. Because some of the ideas behind her works are so interesting-- like Ranma 1/2-- but then you have to sit through episode after episode of a teenage boy in a girl’s body being sexually assaulted by a remorseless old man only to try to fight back at which point he is physically assaulted but also he still has to grovel to and respect said old man because he’s his father’s master and therefore he has to learn martial arts from him but the old man is constantly wagering Ranma having to pose for him in incredibly skimpy outfits if Ranma wants to learn literally anything and alsso RANMA IS FUCKING FIFTEEN/SIXTEEN JESUS CHRIST IS THERE NO FUNCTIONING ADULT ANYWHERE IN THE VVICINITY SAVE HIM!

I NEED TO DIGRESS

It feels like there’s an unintentional trans narrative buried in this anime. It’s not a fun one (but most trans narratives aren’t either so). This is a boy who knows he’s a boy-- even when his body disagrees. He frequently asserts that “he’s a boy” even when in his female body because he is. He’s a boy. He’ll reference being a girl “in appearance” like with the ice cream parfait scene earlier, but when it comes to identity statements, he’s always a boy. This narrative is about him navigating gender presentation and societal assumptions in order to live however he wants. He’s constantly contending with his own forms of gender dysphoria, whether that be his own gripes about doing anything unmanly (eating ice cream) or the very real threat of his mother fucking killing him if he does anything unmanly (aaaaaaaaaaaa), and he navigates tons of threats by choosing how he presents himself.

There are characters that are in love with the male “version” of Ranma and want to kill the female “version” of Ranma (who, for the record, goes by the name Ranko) and vice versa. The Kuno siblings are a great example. Kodachi is in love with Ranma (and is not above literally fucking using date rape drugs on him to get to him) and wants to fucking kill Ranko whereas Tatewaki Kuno, her brother, is in love with Ranko (the lovely pigtailed girl, he calls her) and has literally sent assassins after Ranma. Ranma essentially has to choose between being sexually assaulted or physically assaulted every time he runs into either of them in terms of what body he is presenting. 

I feel like I should let you know, ye who have actually read this far, that Ranma is able to protect himself pretty well from the assault. Like, our boy ain’t dead. Later on he literally fucking kills a god because he’s really passionate about martial arts so he puts all of himself into it and god damnit does his effort show but, honestly, his ability to protect himself shouldn’t mean that it is okay to assault him. Assault is assault. And just because he can fight back doesn’t mean he always does. Akane, his main love interest, regularly sends him through roofs and across town with the force of her Up + B (aka magically appearing hammer), usually for things that aren’t his fault in any way. Akane actually came to the conclusion that Ranma was a pervert when she (fully dressed) walked in on him (naked because he was in the bath) even though the bathroom was obviously occupied. She constantly gets mad at him for things that are beyond his control and then takes her frustrations out on him by literally beating him up and he never fights back-- which is admirable of him but also made me never want to root for their relationship because that isn’t a red flag, my dude, that’s a red planet. the whole of mars is out here trying to warn everyone that this relationship is the most toxic thing since RoundUp.) 

Usually, when watching a show, you get really invested in the character’s aspirations. You want them to ‘get the girl’, ‘get the promotion’, ‘become the pokemon master’ and whatnot. All I ever wanted for Ranma was for him to fake his own death and run far, far away from everyone who ever knew him as “Ranma”. He’d have to fake his own death, obviously, because otherwise his father and Happosai would track him down because, for his father, Ranma is a walking meal ticket and, for Happosai, Ranma is a teenage girl he can sexually assault at any time. Those two would chase Ranma to the ends of the earth if they thought he was trying to get away from them so--

Ranma. Help him.

There’s so much more to dissect with this show. It’s kind of accidentally a great way to look at gender presentation, especially all the terrible negatives that come with constrained gender roles. I use He/Him pronouns when talking about Ranma because it is abundantly clear that he sees himself as a man and I respect that. Sometimes nonbinary-me is like, but think what a gender-fluid icon our boy would be-- literally switching perceived genders via fluids-- and I think that version of Ranma would be a lot happier than the canon one but, I think the canon Ranma is an important reflection of what a lot of people go through, cisgender, transgender, and beyond, when trying to parse what it means to present a gender and the roles you’re supposed to play. 

Maybe Ranma can go on a journey of self-discovery with his own gender after faking his death and escaping Nermina. 

I was all over the place writing this but this isn’t an essay and I’m not being graded so ha fuck you (excpet no not really fuck you because you either a) read this whole thing or b)scrolled down to the bottom to see if i’d get to the fucking point already-- which for the record, I don’t really-- and either way it means you were a little curious what I had to say so thanks I guess). None of this is exceptionally well-thought-out. I wouldn’t exactly stamp this with any kind of official gender discourse seal. It’s all just food for thought. 

[pixeldreqms]

september 2018 

there's an estimated forty days left of filming and already, ian's dreading the end. he's been trying harder to enjoy the little moments, and not just be miserable because he knows they won't last forever. it's hard, but he's trying. he's almost never as happy as he is when he's with these people, his fellow losers, and he doesn't want to waste the time he has left with them.

forty days.

probably closer to thirty nine now since it's past midnight. one more day down. but that's something he's not letting himself linger on. instead, his eyes settle on kennedy who is getting his ass kicked in a video game but is still laughing so loud that the sound is filling the entire basement of the rented house. he focuses on that sound and can't help but smile. he focuses on it and he swears every sad thought in his head floats away, just like that.

he accepted earlier in the summer that his feelings for kenny weren't as platonic as he had originally thought. but in his defense, he was only twelve when they first met. he had a lot of figuring out to do.

he's figured it out now.

he loves all his friends, strongly and deeply, and he's a little co-dependent with more than a couple of them. if he goes a day without talking to evan, he genuinely misses him. he goes out of his way to visit the burgess' at every given chance. each member of the cast has expressed annoyance with the way he spams the group chat while they're all asleep. he's entirely convinced he needs june to survive. and he feels all that with kenny, too, so it took him some time to realize just how much more he felt. and how he felt things for him that went well beyond the things he felt for everyone else he loved.

he doesn't get an overwhelming urge to lean in and kiss any of his other friends when they get too close, for starters. that was a big tip off for ian.

kenny jokingly winked at him once and he felt like someone had lit him on fire.

he constantly found himself shoving others aside just to stand by him in group photos or to sit by him on a couch during a movie.

his own behavior should have been a giveaway right away, but he's not exactly very experienced in that area. not in just dating, but even with liking people. he's only really had one real crush before, and he'd been twelve. and he'd never liked one of his guy friends before either - but he'd accepted that fact easily. given how many male tv characters he'd been infatuated with over the years, and his long-standing secret harry styles obsession that started back when he was ten years old, he'd always suspected he wasn't totally straight. he still hasn't slapped a label on himself yet, but he doesn't think he needs to know for sure what he is to know that he definitely has feelings for kenny.

feelings that are so intense that sometimes he can't even think about anything else. feelings that are so all-consuming that all he wants to talk about 24/7 is kenny and he has to force himself, multiple times a day, to shut up about him or else he'll give himself away or let too much slip. and he knows better than to say anything, to kenny, or to anyone.

but god he wants to.

he's kept this feeling bottled up for months now, though it feels like so much longer, and sometimes he feel like he's gonna burst from how bad he wants to talk about it. his journal only has so many pages he can wax poetic about kenny onto, and he's sure even the inanimate object is sick of hearing about his crush. he needs a pair of real ears. and maybe someone to tell him he's not stupid or crazy for falling for his best friend. because boy oh boy does he feel like he is sometimes.

evan's loud hooping and hollering covers up the sound of kenny's laughter, and ian rolls his eyes but can't help but grin in amusement. his victory had been predicted since mid-game, but evan was still celebrating like he'd done something impressive.

in an attempt to show kenny support, ian raises his arm and gives evan and his win a thumbs down. "booooooo."

he gets two middle fingers raised at him for his efforts. he thinks that's all he's getting in return for voicing his disapproval, until evan drops the controller and comes flying past the gaming area, past the couch, and leaping onto ian where he's sprawled across a huge bean bag chair.

"hey, i wanted to play the winner!" jeremy shouts from the couch in front of the tv, where the other four teenagers had been sat, partially watching the game, partially on their phones, mostly having their own conversations.

ian easily could have squeezed in with them, but he couldn't resist a good bean bag. plus, he was closer to the little mini bar area that this place had. the bar itself wasn't stocked with alcohol, not that ian cares or jeremy's mom would have let them drink anyway, but she kept the shelves and mini fridge stocked. ian likes being close to the snacks.

"well i'm over here now!" evan yells back. the loud volume right in ian's ear makes him wince. "play the loser. kenny, that's you. you're the loser."

ian shoves evan off of him and onto the floor. "dick."

"no," evan says, rejecting his removal from the chair. "move your ass."

"no." but he does it anyway. he can't move much or else he'd be on the floor, because yes it's a big seat, but they're both months away from being sixteen and are not the same small twelve year olds they'd been when they first met. they've hit massive growth spurts since then. sharing small spaces isn't as easy as it once was, but it doesn't stop them from trying. evan ends up with one of his legs completely over ian's and their shoulders pressed together. ian lets it happen, but he's still mildly annoyed about it. "wow, this is so comfortable. i'm so glad you came all the way over here to dig your elbow into my stomach. feels great."

"are you saying you don't want to sit with me, you a**hole?" evan asks.

evan's elbow digs deeper into his side and ian's pretty sure it's on purpose. he grimaces and shifts as much as he can but still doesn't move out of the seat.

"that's literally exactly what i'm saying, yeah. you stink."

the bickering continues, because it never really ends with them. there's an almost constant flow of jokes and jabs between them. but for as much as they give each other sh*t, him and evan have definitely had their fair share of genuine moments between them. anytime ian has an anxiety attack in a group setting, evan's one of a few who knows how to calm him. ian's called him crying about his family or about wanting to go home more than once. there was also the time on set during their first movie together where after an intense, emotional scene, they'd both cried and hugged each other until they got it out of their system. sometimes his relationship with evan reminds him of his relationship with his sister, and the way they can pick and pick at each other, but at the end of the day, they'd die for one another.

it's just really fun to insult each other, so they do it often.

eventually, after evan shouts at ian to eat an ass, they're informed they're being too loud.

anna, the only girl in a group of boys, shushes them with so much aggression that it terrifies ian a little. she puts up with so much nonsense every time she hangs out with them, he's just waiting for the day she finally snaps. he knows he doesn't want it to be his fault, so he does as he's told and shushes.

"they're all haters," evan mutters.

ian nods. "they wanna be us so bad."

and just like that, they're on the same team again.

ian feels a vibration against his leg and realizes his phone's fallen under his thigh. as he digs it out, he sees evan's own attention has momentarily returned to the game on the tv just as the loading screen transitions back into gameplay, so he feels less bad about checking it. reading kenny's name on his screen, he visibly lights up, grinning at the text.

'if he's being a dick, come escape and play me next,' kenny has written.

ian quickly types back. 'he's not, but i might anyway. wanna be next to kick your ass.'

he glances across the room, but he can't see kenny at all where he's sitting on the floor in front of the couch, so he has no idea if he's grinning as big as ian is just from seeing a new text from him. he can't imagine he is, but it's still a nice thought. as soon as the round on the tv ends and the loading screen is back up, kenny starts typing.

'I THINK I'M WINNING THIS TIME.'

ian's smile widens, his cheeks sore from it, but he doesn't get a chance to start replying before -

"is it a meme?" evan asks, neck craning to look. ian clicks back to his homescreen quickly.

"is what a meme?"

evan slumps back a little once ian drops his phone to his lap. "whatever you were staring at like that."

"no, or - yeah." he answers, then changes his answer when he realizes he can't tell him what he was actually grinning at.

he wasn't as subtle as he had hoped.

"you lookin' at something nasty?" evan asks. "you fvcking freak?"

ian blinks, then deadpans, "yes. i'm looking at something nasty while surrounded by my friends. with you practically in my lap. you caught me."

"thought so. looking like a blushing school girl over here." that one's a little too close to home considering he feels like a smitten school girl every time he sees or talks to kenny, so ian shoves evan for it. he almost rolls over the edge of the seat but gets a palm on the ground to steady himself. "come on. seriously. what was it? what's so secret?"

"fvck, you're nosy."

"invested in your life," evan corrects him.

"nosy," ian insists.

evan gives him a look, a raised brow and a silent dude, come on, tell me, and ian takes a breath.

he reminds himself there's a reason he's kept this secret so under wraps. as much as he wants to scream from the rooftop how much he likes kenny, the risk of him finding out isn't worth it. he'd ruin not only their friendship, but probably the entire group. they'd never be able to all be together. not with kenny inevitably being weirded out by ian's crush, and ian being too mortified to be around him anymore. the rest of filming would be a nightmare. getting through press and the promotion would be torture. he'd lose his favorite person.

nothing good could possibly come from people knowing.  

then, he reminds himself this is evan. they may thrive off of giving each other sh*t, but he can trust him. he's never let him down before. not when it mattered. if there's anyone he can tell and trust they won't screw him over by letting it slip, he feels like it's evan.

if for no other reason than he'd suffer, too. not just because ian would never forgive him, but he'd hate it if the group dynamic was thrown out of wack, too.

evan feels like a safe place to finally be honest.

so he exhales, and speaks.

"it was a - i was looking at something from - it's a someone."

a bit of a rocky start, but he got where he was trying to go after a few attempts.

"you have a someone?" evan asks, seeming mildly offended that this isn't information he was already privy to. "someone i don't know about?"

"i don't really have someone," ian tells him. "i just... want to. i want to be with them."

"who is she?"

"it's..." ian's voice is barely a whisper at this point. "it's not a girl..."

the silence that follows is the longest, most anxiety inducing silence ian has ever experienced. it can't be more than twenty seconds, probably not even that long, before evan speaks again but it feels like a lifetime. he doesn't know why he's so nervous about the reaction to this. he knows evan well enough to know he won't care, but people can be surprising in the worst ways sometimes. and he's never done this before. he's pretty sure his sister has an inkling, but he's never come out and admitted it to her. this is the first time he's having the actual conversation and god it's fvcking terrifying. he kind of wants to cry suddenly but he's really holding himself together.

even while fearing and preparing himself for the worst, he mostly expects evan to react with some generic but kind sentiment. a that's okay with me, dude or an i love and accept you, pal.

that's not what he gets.

after a moment, evan's brow furrows, his head tilts just slightly, and he asks, as sincere as can be, "man, is it me?"

it's just what ian needs to hear to ease his tension. he throws his head back and lets out a cackle. the ache in his stomach is no longer due to nerves, but from how hard he's laughing. "absolutely fvcking -" he has to stop, pausing as he got through another fit of laughter. "oh, absolutely fvcking not."

a tear rolls down his cheek and he flicks it away as he finally starts to calm down. then he gets a good look at how unamused evan looks and it sets him off again.

"okay, it's not me, i got it!" evan says in a hushed whisper, just loud enough to be heard over the sound of ian's own laughter. "who is it then?"

the nerves are back, suddenly. and again, he doesn't even know why. he wants this. he wants to be able to talk to someone about his feelings. he wants evan to know. but his palms are still sweating.

"you can't tell him," ian says softly. "i'll literally strangle you. you have to swear."

"i swear," he assures him. "so it's someone i know?"

he's pretty sure evan knows everyone ian knows. even his few remaining guy friends from back home, evan's met. but he doesn't remind him of that now, just nods and confirms. "yeah. it's someone you know."

"who? i'm not gonna tell, ian."

nervously, he glances towards the couch, just to make sure the game was still being played and their entire group of friends hadn't turned around to stare and listen to his confession. all he sees are the backs of heads, and he can hear everyone's laughter mixed with anna's muffled trash talk as she has a go at the game. no one's paying attention to him except for evan.

for some reason, he's having a hard time looking at him. the hardest part is already over, he tells himself, just spit his name out. but he's also telling himself that it's not too late and he can keep this secret to himself. evan would be annoyed about the cliffhanger, but ian could deal with that easier than he could deal with other possible outcomes of telling him.

no. he's doing this.

suck it the fvck up.

with his eyes on the back of the couch, in the smallest voice possible, he admits, "kenny."

he doesn't know what evan's initial reaction is, because it takes a few seconds for him to finally meet his eyes again, but when he does look at him again, his face isn't easy to read. he doesn't look shocked, exactly - and really, given that ian is arguably closest to kenny and evan out of everyone, it probably wasn't the most surprising name he could have said. if anything, he looks... confused?

"you're not gonna tell him, are you?" ian asks, misreading the look as inner turmoil about not wanting to keep a secret from their other best friend.

that's not at all what it is.

"no, i said i'm not," evan huffs. "but, why the fvck is it not me?"

"i'm - i'm sorry?" ian says, because what else does he say to that? "are you offended that i don't have a crush on you?"

"am i not cute?"

"evan, this isn't how people are supposed to react to sh*t like this -"

"i just can't believe out of everyone - kenny." he whispers it, at least. "and not me? really?"

"i'd love it if you weren't so fvcking weird about this."

"i'm not being weird! it being me just would have made sense, is all i'm saying."

ian squints. "and it being kenny doesn't make sense?"

evan sighs, falling back into the chair a little. "yeah, i guess it does. it does."

"just to make sure - " ian says, putting a hand up. "you don't - i mean, you're not upset because you like - "

"ew, don't even say it. i don't like you."

it's ian's turn to sigh and lean back into the seat. "okay, cool. you're just... fvcking weird. that's good to know."

there's a moment of silence and ian just breathes. he did it. he did it and nothing's changed, nothing world shattering happened. he feels like a weight's been lifted, just by telling one person. it feels really good. even if it didn't go how he'd have imagined it to. still good.

"knew it couldn't have been a meme you were looking at," evan says a minute later. "the memes you send are never that funny."

ian scoffs. "fvck you. i send the funniest memes."

"willow sends the funniest memes."

"you're gonna go to hell for saying sh*t like that. lying is a fcking sin."

"is it?"

ian pauses.

"... i'm not sure. i think so. did neither of us go to church growing up? that kind of explains a lot."

there's an angry cry from the front of the room that draws their attention. anna curses, followed by kenny laughing. once again, ian smiles at the sound.

the laughter, not the cursing.

"did kenny actually win?!" evan shouts over to the rest of the group.

kenny and anna stand up as the other three perk up on the couch to look over at the two in the bean bag.

"i've been winning!" kenny calls back.

jeremy chimes in. "he's on a winning streak!"

"more like a cheating streak," anna mumbles.

"he's beaten everyone except evan," jeremy says.

"ahem!" evan waves a hand, gesturing to ian. "not everyone except evan. let ian at him."

ian tries to suppress his grin. he'd been so worried about the bad outcomes of telling evan, but he hadn't considered all the good reasons. like evan helping him get closer to kenny. even just in little ways, like playing video games. maybe this was a better idea than he thought.

he meets kenny's eyes and when kenny smiles at him, he can't hide his own anymore.

"ian?" kenny asks. "you want the winner?"

evan nudges ian in the side, winking at him as they make eye contact and calling out to kenny, "yeah, he does."

on second thought, he might end up regretting it.

[dolansmith]

Thoughts on the “Trisha Drama”

I’m going to preface this with my previous thoughts of both sides. I didn’t know who Trisha was until after I found out about the vlog squad about a year ago. I didn’t mind her, i thought she brought out an interesting perspective to the group. Then I thought she was literally off her rocker. 

I loved the vlog squad bc I found them in a really difficult time in my life and they kept me from getting too deep into a depression. While I saw some of their mistakes, I saw the best in them all and hoped for change or at least some kind of accountability. 

This is gonna be really long and idk if anyone is even gonna read this/care lol but Im just so frustrated with a lot of the people that are into the vs. Like after really looking into everything that happened, I felt kind of ashamed to be backing the vs bc they’re doing some fucked up stuff tbh. 

So lets do a basic rundown of mistakes made. 

Mistakes in their public relationship:    -Trisha: made sexual jokes about jason’s friends, started arguments about her insecurities instead of starting a conversation.     -Jason: made sexual jokes about girl’s a decade younger than trisha (and 2 and a half decades younger than him), would complain about having to go do things trisha liked doing and would pout the whole time  (i.e. disneyland and a couple of the hamilton viewings), would egg on trishas insecurities, literally dumped her on a daily basis and call her crazy when she voiced said insecurities and then would basically get back together within an hour and practically give everyone whiplash, also talked about her weight and eating habits CONSTANTLY (fucking dick)    -David: inputted himself in their relationship, recorded their fights and encouraged their toxic behavior to both his friends and his audience

Mistakes in the “official” breakup:    -Trisha: talking about jason’s ex and kids, comparing david to ted bundy (a lil wild but tbh not that big of a deal bc no one actually believed thats what she meant but anyway), the brandon thing (we’ll come back to this)    -Jason: continuing to make jokes about fucking a 19/20 year old despite his gf saying she didn’t like it, not putting an end to David “pressuring him” to making said jokes, the brandon thing    -David: ignoring his “friend” when she said not to put something in his vlog, putting his image and career first

Mistakes after:    -Trisha: constantly going on rants about david and Jason.    -Jason: staying in contact with trisha secretly. (ill get back to this too)    -David: putting his image above all else. 

Now we’re going to get into some uncomfortable hot takes. I’m gonna get a whole lotta hate from stans but tbh idc anymore

The Brandon Thing (I’ve done some digging since her video exploding at Jeff): 

   -Brandon began a relationship with a high schooler. She was underage the first time they had sex. There’s receipts and timelines set up. I’d recommend Petty Paige’s Youtube video on it for specifics.     -Lot’s of vs fans say she only brought it up when her and Jason ended so that meant she didn’t really care, but I’d like to point out that she has stated (on more than one occasion) that she voiced her thoughts on this multiple times to the group in Private and no one cared. Y’all are always going on about how she should say whatever she has to say in private but when she does and is ignored, what then? Just a thought.     -Let’s also bring the rest of the vs up in this. How come none of them ever said anything? They’re the ones still out here tolerating him. Pretty hypocritical. I’m not gonna aim anything at the girls bc none of them have Brandon in their videos but the guys? Jeff, Jason, David, Todd and I think Scott too, have all had Brandon in at least one video. They’re out here talking shit about Trisha amongst each other but are friends with a predator? Lmao Okay, cool. 

Jason Keeping in Contact for months: 

   -This was dumb.     -As someone who has suffered from mental health issues and has been in a mental hospital and suffered from attachment AND abandonment issues, Trisha would’ve been better off had Jason ended things and kept them that way. Instead, he ended their public relationship and friendship. He kept her a secret from even his “friends” and then dragged on their “friendship” for months. For what? He should’ve just given her her things and closure and kept it pushing.     -On that, why did he keep her belongings for so long and refuse to give it back until she said something public about it? He ignored her calls and texts about her very expensive things for weeks. Then she made a video calling him out on it, and she got her stuff back.    -I’m seeing a pattern here, aren’t you?

The Jeff Thing (did some digging on him too...by digging i mean google):

   -This one makes my blood boil for several reasons. ESPECIALLY AFTER TODAYS VIDEO. It rlly put everything into perspective omg.     -The starbucks story that Trisha told was the same everywhere: ‘I saw Jeff at Starbucks and said hey. He ignored me and was such a pussy he left his order at the counter after having paid.’ His masculinity is SO FRAGILE that he twisted it into ‘I’m not gonna be fake with someone who fucked over my friend. Can’t fuck them up either tho lol’ and ‘i’m not gonna make shit easy on you, i’m gonna make them feel weird’. What a baby lmfao    -His assault joke rubbed me the wrong way. I know Jeff’s schtick is the whole “I was in jail for a few months and I was a drug dealer I’m big and scary” blah blah blah. Listen, I’ve met men that have been in jail longer (he was in for only 4 months he once said I think) and had worse upbringings than he did and HAD to do some of the shit Jeff was doing (which lemme remind yall, was on his own accord). The men that I know that have lived similar and worse lifestyles than Jeff, would never and I REPEAT NEVER, make a joke about assaulting a Woman over “fucking my friend over”, when the situation was what it was. Which was: an exposé, basically. That’s some petty shit, it’s for the birds. (Also, Todd and Jay’s jokes about the assault joke? Ain’t it. They were just as bad as Jeff’s original joke.)    -Do y’all know what Jeff’s been to jail for? He tried to assault someone that worked at a 7-Eleven after he and his dumbass friends were fucking around in the store and got yelled at and ended up assaulting a woman walking by.     -He also talked about her mental health issues. Maybe he wasn’t talking about her specifically, but it was REAL specific. He said that it was crazy that a “psychopath” that’s been in a mental hospital still had a platform on youtube. That they shouldn’t have one. Trisha made a really good point of, “some could say the same about your time in jail.” Because they could. And mental health can be managed. So can your outrageous anger issues, Jeff. This was really ignorant on his part.     -I also want to remind everyone about the time he said he didn’t understand how men could be sexually harassed. That all you had to do was say no.    -He says he likes to “make things awkward” and make everything a joke when really he’s just being ignorant and doesn’t want to get real hate when he gets inevitably called out

Trisha’s “Dirt”:

   -Trisha doesn’t know anything that the rest of us don’t. We’re just all IGNORING it. Why? Bc David’s charming and Todd and Jeff are pretty? Ridiculous. This is the last vlog squad post i’m going to make because I’m done. So the following is going to be a rundown on the “dirt” on them that made me come to the decision that I wouldn’t be supporting them anymore. I’ll also put my own thoughts and comments underneath in case y’all are curious. Staying silent about these situations is the same as complacency.     -Brandon Calvillo: Covered this but to reiterate, he dated a high schooler and slept with her/dated her knowing her age. He then lied about it in a video to cover his tracks.           *I am well aware that she was months from being 18. This doesn’t make it okay. What does a 26 year old have in common with a 17 year old? And just because this is the first girl we know about, doesn’t mean she’s the first at all or even the last.     -Durte Dom: He was accused of assault at vidcon.            *This hasn’t been confirmed. But it also hasn’t even been discussed. This girl is getting hate from vs stans and the vs have stayed silent. I can understand not wanting to show attention to people who make accusations for clout, but assault is serious and should at the Very Least be acknowledged privately or legally bc it could be considered slander. Don’t let your fans (or your friend’s fans) do your dirty work.      -Jeff Wittek: He has major anger issues. Makes jokes about assaulting women after actually having assaulted one in the past (accidentally but doesnt take away from what he did) and has made jokes about sexual harassment against men not being viable             *tbh he has a “pretty white boy complex”. Meaning he knows that he can say and do what he wants and most people will let it slide bc he’s a pretty white boy. No education needed.     -Jason Nash: Is friend’s with a predator, is quite possibly setting an awful example to his kids, namely his daughter.          *Listen. I’m a feminist, a woman should be able to decide what to do with her body after she turns 18. But being groomed and hit on by grown ass men when you’re barely legal, ain’t it. If you want to and feel ready, there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it BUT 9.9 times out of 10, that fucks a woman up in the future. One day, she is going to see her dad hitting on a 19/20 year old Tana and see that her dad’s  26 year old best friend dated a 17/18 year old and lied about specifics and might think that’s normal and how men should treat her. I won’t support that shit.

And as for all the other member’s of the vs, they either don’t care enough about what their friends or friends’ friends are doing, or they’re not bothering to even consider it’s happening and that isn’t cool either. 

Be better. 

As for Trisha, she’s had her own faults and fuckups, no doubt about it. I’m not a big fan of her content but i FELT for her. Her name has been dragged through the mud because of this more than anything else and it doesn’t sit right with me when her only real fuckup in THIS situation was bringing the ex and kids into it the way she did. Everything else either could have been avoided or she had a right to say to the public since they put everything about the relationship out in the open as much as she did. If Jason and David had reached out and admitted their own mistakes and asked her to stop talking about them online the way she was, she probably would’ve chilled out. What happened, what they and their fans (us) have done has been nothing short of traumatizing, no doubt. The way these 30 year old boys (Jeff, Todd, Scott and Jay) are reacting to her? They’re the real joke if we’re being honest.

Note: I’d also like to say that if you do still support them and have differing views than I do, I’ll respect you and your views no matter what. Everyones entitled to their opinion and thoughts. These are just mine. 

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

May I ask why you're so against rachel bilson? It's just that I know absolutely nothing about her and from and outsider persepctive she seems like a regularly nice person

Hi, yes! I apologize in advance, this is super long I’m afraid!

So first of all, I want to make it VERY clear that I don’t endorse sending hate to people, even if you despise them, and I am not intending to spam any social media she may have with hate because that’s simply inexcusable.

So here’s the thing: the whole thing just personally leaves a bad taste in my mouth because they had a sex scene years ago in a film that was directed by Bill’s ex-wife, Maggie Carey. It just really weirds me out because that was several years ago, and obviously I don’t know Maggie beyond the fact she’s a director and was married to Bill, but if I were her I’d be more than a little pissed off because I’d be wondering if my husband had been seeing this woman the entire time. I don’t think Bill is the type but I frankly don’t know him personally and who knows? It just seems a little tasteless in a way, but hey whatever.

Firstly, in literally every photo I’ve seen of them together - grocery shopping, golden globes etc, - they both look like they’d rather be anywhere else. Especially tonight, you can see in videos when they turn away from the cameras, their smiles vanish and they look (for lack of a better description) kind of constipated. I know Bill has bad anxiety so that could be part of the reason, I don’t know. But it looks like they’re not even trying - he smiled much more genuinely when with his ex. You can tell when someone is half assing their smile and when it’s genuine, especially in their eyes or the way they’re smiling.

I’ve been having a twitter conversation with someone, they messaged me wanting to talk about the whole thing, and I’ve been discussing it with them for a few days now. Disclaimer here that I already knew this person because I spoke to them about a month or so ago because their friend met PJ at a comic con and she (the twitter girl) was talking about it, so we already knew of each other before this whole ordeal. Recently, however, they’ve been telling me stuff and showing me tweets/photos/stuff about R*chel and, hey, maybe I’m only seeing what they want me to see? Who knows? I’m not saying my impression that I have of her is the correct one, just my own personal impression thus far.

The first thing we noticed was the sheer amount of paparazzi photos and news stories. I have never seen someone be photographed so damn often while out shopping - so far in the last week alone, RB has been papped near enough every day. No one gets papped that often by accident. The person I spoke with on twitter informed me that it’s always the same people (backgrid) and that she’s probably calling them herself. Not even the kids from Stranger Things/Harry Potter get photographed this much, and they are WAY more famous and in demand than her*. This week alone it’s been grocery shopping (w/ Bill), then going out to lunch with her friends, then shopping for furnishings, and THEN lunch with her mother. All in the same week. This isn’t just a her thing, it’s in general, but no one cares if actors are shopping for shit or going out to lunch with their mothers, it’s really not exciting or interesting. So yeah, there seems to be some question as to whether or not she’s phoning the paparazzi herself.

*I had literally never heard of her before being a fan of Bill so... 🤷🏼‍♀️ She’s definitely not as famous as the ST kids are right now

Also, it’s interesting that in the eleven years he was married to Maggie, and in even the last few years where he’s really started to pick up career wise, he has hardly been photographed by paparazzi in public. The only time I can think of is when he was filming IT Chapter 2 and that was because it’s a major film and they were shooting outside in costume. There could be more but I doubt there’s loads going around. So yeah, I find it kinda questionable that only now is he getting papped this regularly.

Not only do I think calling the paparazzi on yourself is vain and straight up thirsty for attention, but if that IS the case (and I’m not saying it is), it’s incredibly disgusting to do that whilst out with someone who has REALLY bad panic attacks and social anxiety. You can see it in his face that he’s pissed off and annoyed about it.

This person I spoke with also made some remarks regarding both of their kids with other people. Apparently the only time RB ever goes out with her kid is to get them photographed with her or something, and that she’s literally never with her daughter. This could be bullshit for all I know. I haven’t really researched her daughter because, frankly, that would be creepy and I also don’t really care about her enough to give a shit.

We know that Bill has 3 daughters, and it just strikes me as odd that he made a big fuss about how he only saw them 5 days in summer of 2018 (due to Barry and IT filming) and how he was crying over it, and “I’m going to spend more time with my kids 😭” but then...you get a girlfriend instead? And you spend time with them instead? And even when I first read the interview where he said about missing his kids, like...dude, come on. That’s your own fault, no one is making you stay away from the kids, you and your wife have joint custody. In comparison also to RB, who’s kid is seemingly papped quite a bit with her, I’ve literally seen maybe two or three occasions where one of Bill’s kids have been papped, like that’s it. And that’s how it should be frankly.

Back to the person I spoke with, they have a friend in Tulsa who was there around the time the two were spotted at Starbucks together, and here’s apparently the tea: Bill apparently got coffee alone quite a few times, she arrived in Tulsa, they got coffee, and then she left Tulsa after like a day. This person’s friend said that they weren’t holding hands, and they barely even looked at each other the whole time. This is a kind of “her friend’s brother’s wife’s cousin” thing and could be false, however. And I honestly think that if you’ve got 3 kids and you make a HUGE fuss over not getting to see them because of YOUR work schedule, then you should be spending Christmas with them and NOT with your new side chick. The same goes for RB - if she was in Tulsa over Christmas, why was she not with her own kid?

There’s a whole kettle of accusations that could or could not be true about both of them frankly; she’s using him to restart her career, he’s insecure and he’s being taken advantage of, she’ll probably get his kids papped, blah blah blah. This honestly could be total bullshit so who the fuck knows at this point. The whole getting together before awards season as well is so obvious, like so many couples do that for good publicity during this time of year and it’s frankly laughable. It’s the same kind of situation as the Alison Sudol/David Harbour situation two years ago - they stepped out together at the Golden Globes etc. And look how that turned out!

And, to be honest, I get feelings about people. You know how sometimes you just get a feeling about someone and you try to push it aside but it gnaws at you? Yeah. It’s not concrete evidence but I’ll be honest, 97% of the time I’ve found that if I have a feeling about a person, I’m at least somewhat right. I had a gut feeling when the whole nonsense about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard started, and even when I was abused and harassed over it, I knew my gut was telling me that it was BS because it just didn’t feel right. And it turns out I was right in that case because it’s now come out that Heard was abusing him and that she’s almost certainly been lying the entire time about being abused. But I digress, I’m not here to talk about that. I don’t know why but I get a bad feeling/vibe about RB and, hey, I could be totally wrong, nothing is ever 100%! But right now that’s the vibe I get and i tend to go with what that gut feeling is telling me.

And before the accusations of “you’re just a bitter jealous fan” come flooding in (as they inevitably will), I can promise you that is not the case. I make jokes about being thirsty and shit, but that’s all they are - jokes. Come on, I’m 22 next week, do you really think I want to hook up with a 41 year old with 3 kids?? 😂 And besides that, there have been MANY actors I either crush on or admire who are either in relationships or married, and because I’m an adult I can respect that. Hell, most of the time, I start stanning their partner too! There’s literally only ever been one occasion where I had a crush on an actor and didn’t like the person they’re (now) married to, and that’s because I didn’t like her as a person. I can respect that they’re married and I wish them all the luck, but given that it’s been nearly 9 years now and I still don’t particularly like her (and I don’t crush on said actor now), it’s definitely not a “fangirl crush” thing. It’s just that sometimes you don’t like certain people - maybe you disagree with their views, their behavior, or maybe you just don’t like the vibe they give off. You can’t like everyone, and you can’t be liked by everyone, that’s just how it is.

So, to conclude, I want to just make it clear that while I’m not a fan, honestly all the power to them, like Bill is a grown ass man, he can do whatever he wants with his life for all I care, he doesn’t need fangirls online rushing to defend him or baby him. As Mrs Brown from Mrs Brown’s Boys said... “it’s your life, love, you’re entitled to fuck it up however you please”. (I’m not saying he IS fucking up his life, on the contrary he’s doing very well for himself, it’s just a saying)

[raendown]

@madatobiweek Day 5 Prompt: modern with magic au//soulmate au

Pairing: MadaraTobirama Word count: 4613 Rated: G Summary:  "What greater gift than the love of a cat" - Charles Dickens

Follow the link or read it under the cut!

KO-FI and commission info in the header!

What Greater Gift

Hashirama’s smile of greeting instantly melted away in to a pout when Madara gave him no more than a perfunctory wave as he passed by his friend, venturing further in to the house without a word.

“Madara! Where are you going?”

“Where’s your cat?” Madara called back, knowing another pair of ears would hear him as well. Just as he’d thought, a protesting snarl came from down the hall. He was smiling when he turned in to the immaculately clean room he usually found his other friend in.

Tobirama’s massive furred body was stretched out across the perfectly made bed he seemed to prefer for his naps. Madara had no idea if he had simply taken an interest in the guest room and claimed it as his own or if Hashirama had deliberately set up the guest bedroom as a haven for his feline pet when they had no one else to fill it but either way this was where Tobirama could be found most often, shamelessly coating the bedding with his fur.

Madara was smirking as he strolled in, dropping himself on the end of the bed and stroking a hand across the back of his friend’s neck. Tobirama purred even as his red eyes blinked open to glare at Madara.

“Who do you think you’re calling a cat?” the snow leopard asked him. Madara shrugged unrepentantly.

“You are one of the ‘great cats’ species, are you not? If you keep growling at me I won’t give you the present that I know you can smell.”

He waited for Tobirama to huff and look away, deliberately not rebutting that his species was not actually one of the great cats, before reaching in to his pocket and retrieving the packet of meat he had brought with him today. Years of bringing similar treats had inured him to the feeling of picking out a piece of raw pheasant and holding it out with a flat palm. Tobirama’s purring rumbled louder as he snatched it up delicately with his razor sharp teeth, giving thanks by being extra careful not to bite anything he wasn’t supposed to. Madara fed him all three pieces by hand and then resumed petting while Tobirama licked his jaws.

“An acceptable offering,” the animal allowed. Madara took his turn to huff.

“Hah! Acceptable my ass, you love pheasant.” He scratched briefly behind the animal’s ear before getting up. “Coming?”

Tobirama stood and stretched before leaping gracefully from the bed to lead both of them back down the hall where Hashirama was still pouting about being passed over. Madara felt no guilt. He was as much friends with Hashirama’s unique pet as he was with the man himself.

He’d been awed at first when he met Tobirama. Hashirama wasn’t even a witch, it was incredible that he had managed to acquire a familiar. Yet as time went on he came more and more often to the conclusion that Tobirama must have been the one to choose his master rather than the other way around. He was a proud animal and Madara had never seen proof of any partnership between them other than a friendship similar to the one Madara had been blessed with. He couldn’t imagine what had drawn two such opposite beings together but it was hardly his place to question it; bonds like the one between familiar and master were sacred and very personal, certainly not to be asked about as one casually asks what’s for dinner.

“Tobiiii!” Hashirama whined. Tobirama wound between his legs and wrapped his tail around the man’s waist like an approximation of a hug.

“Don’t call me Tobi,” was all he said.

Madara snickered as he washed his hands and when he was done began rooting through his friend’s cupboards for a pre-dinner snack. Mito wasn’t home to reprimand him about ruining his appetite before they ate so he could afford to break a household rule or two – as long as she didn’t find out. Mito was a witch and a powerful one at that. She was fully capable of hitting him with some very uncomfortable curses if she discovered he’d been eating only an hour before dinner. Or she could just banish him back to his own cold and empty home for a week, that was always punishment enough to remind him how to behave.

With a handful of crackers in hand Madara retreated to the living room where he sat down on the floor with his back to the couch. Tobirama paced a few circles around the coffee table before curling himself down on the carpet and dropping his great head in to Madara’s lap, purring when the petting resumed immediately. Hashirama followed after them but tucked himself in to the other end of the couch instead, snickering in their direction.

“Feeling affectionate today, Tobirama?” the man asked in a teasing voice. Tobirama gave a short snarl but didn’t bother to move and went back to purring almost seamlessly.

They passed the rest of the hour until Mito returned by watching some stupid popular television drama. When his friend’s wife arrived she brought dinner with her, one large paper bag of take out for the three adults, already knowing she would come home to find Madara there as well, and one medium sized package from the butcher for Tobirama. All of them moved back to the kitchen the moment she stepped in the door, following the smell of whatever deliciousness she’d brought for them today.

Madara had also thought at one point that Tobirama might be Mito’s familiar. She wasn’t as obvious about her skills as most prominent witches tended to be but someone as powerful as her should have endless trails of unbonded creatures begging to be her familiar; that she didn’t had made him thoughtful when he first started spending time with them all. He’d never been boorish enough to ask but in the end he hadn’t needed to as their behavior had made it obvious many times over since then that Tobirama did not stay here for Mito’s sake. Certainly they got along but they could barely be said to be any sort of friends. Their relationship began and ended at mutual respect. If anything, he would have said they acted like distant relatives.

He simply couldn’t see Mito getting away with the sort of things Hashirama did. Things like sitting on the floor to groom Tobirama’s nails or pulling him in to tight, cuddling hugs with no warning or fear of mutilation. Each time something like that happened Tobirama would huff and snarl and wriggle in protest, yet his escape attempts never seemed to have much heart in them and he was always very careful not to injure Hashirama in the struggle. Most telling was the way he inevitably gave in to these random affections after making it clear that he objected in some manner.

“Oh, Madara!” he was pulled from his musings by Hashirama’s teasing tone. “I ran in to my cousin the other day. Tetsuo? He asked about you.”

Madara groaned at the same time Tobirama let out a quiet growl of displeasure.

“Tetsuo? You mean that idiot who kept fawning all over me at your Christmas party? Spare me.” He shook his head, stopping when he noticed the glint is his friend’s eye and the evil smile hovering around Mito’s lips.

“Does that mean you wouldn’t be excited to go on a date with him this Friday?” Hashirama tried to look innocent and Madara didn’t believe him for one second.

“Excited? Of course I wouldn’t be excited!” He leaned forward and narrowed his eyes. “What have you done, bark-for-brains?”

“I didn’t do anything! Except maybe tell him that of course you would be willing to meet him at the restaurant near his work.” The stupid fool began to cackle over his own joke as horror quickly filled Madara’s face, dread settling in his stomach. Tetsuo was an absolute idiot and Hashirama was very aware of his disgust for the man. Unfortunately his friend had been in the mood for pulling all sorts of terrible pranks lately. He always had thought he was funnier than he actually was.

A hefty swat expressed his feelings on the matter rather succinctly. He was extra satisfied to see Hashirama nearly face-plant in to his plate of dinner. Sitting next to him on the bench that had been pushed up to the table specifically for their shared use, Tobirama made the distinct coughing hissing sound that denoted his feline laughter. While many might have found it odd to see a giant cat sitting up at the table with the rest of them, it had been so long that at this point Madara just accepted it as normal. This family was weird. If it bothered him he would have stopped visiting so many times a week.

“You owe me big time,” he growled at his friend. Then he turned to Tobirama and screeched, “It’s not funny!”

“Of course it is. You having to spend an entire evening listening to that idiot’s drivel? We should take bets now on how long you last before throwing your drink in his face.” His fangs glinted in the light of the tame spirit Mito kept in place of candles. She always said it gave dinner a more intimate mood but Madara just felt like he was being watched while he ate.

Everyone else at the table ignored him when he crossed his arms and fell back in to a sulk. Throwing his drink in Senju Tetsuo’s face sounded grand but they all knew he wouldn’t do it. An idiot the man might be but he was also a powerful witch, odd considering Madara had never met any other true blooded Senju with so much as a drop of magic in them.

Actually that wasn’t true, according to Hashirama they all had magic in their blood. It was just that in most cases it refused to manifest in to any sort of ability. Their bloodline was considered excellent for breeding but it was always a gamble whether the child would take after their Senju ancestors or their other parent, stronger than the previous generation or completely powerless. Mito herself had delivered the news only a week before that she was with child and with that announcement she had also firmly declared that her child would receive the same love no matter which of their families it took after.

Madara let his eyes roam over the pair of them and wondered for the hundredth time if Mito was hiding the ability to read his thoughts, watching as she lifted one hand to caress the belly that had not yet begun to grow. The urge to fall back in to sulking returned when Hashirama reached over to entwine his fingers with hers. Seeing the backs of their hands next to each other with the identical marks they had both been gifted with at birth only soured his stomach with a disgusting kind of longing sadness that he tried his hardest to push away. He knew very well that there was little point in letting their happiness affect his own but it was hard sometimes.

Finding one’s soulmate was something everyone yearned for despite knowing how rare the phenomenon was. If there was one thing he envied the Senju clan for it was their odd knack for finding the ones fate had chosen for them. Hashirama and Mito had been disgustingly in love since the day he met them and that hadn’t changed in the years since. If anything they might have actually gotten worse, holding their heads close together as they talked about the future, debating potential baby names without regard for how little other people within earshot cared. Madara liked to think that he would have that strong of a bond with his own partner but to find out he would need to meet them and to do that he probably needed to put himself out there a little more. Which meant accepting dates with perfect strangers and getting to know them well enough to share marks.

The very thought was abhorrent. Sharing his mark with someone it wasn’t meant for? It felt akin to baring his very soul for an unworthy person to judge.

“I think I’ve lost my appetite,” he murmured, recognizing that he wouldn’t be able to stop the landslide of thoughts trying to drag him down. Better that he removed himself before he could bring down everyone else’s mood as well. Hashirama called after him in confusion but Madara waved him off. “Nothing, I’m fine, I just…got a little stuck in my head. Leave me alone until I get back out.”

Without further explanation he disappeared down the hallway and headed for the back door. He never heard the footsteps padding after him but he did hear the startled yowl when he let the door go and it closed on Tobirama’s shoulder. The cat huffed and butted him in retaliation until he sighed and reached down to ruffle fluffy ears.

“Thought I said leave me alone.”

“I don’t count,” Tobirama announced loftily. “You were talking to him.”

“Mn. True.” He had to admit that it was. Hashirama’s particular brand of cheering up had never been his favorite and with how suddenly the mood had hit him it probably wouldn’t be a great idea to let himself be smothered under the perpetual cheer of such a bright person. Sometimes he just needed to let himself be grumpy.

Tobirama, at least, understood that. Neither of them said anything as the leopard padded ahead of him and slipped in to the natural spring just passed the edge of the porch. For a cat he sure did seem to enjoy the water, so much so that Madara had once tried to look in to whether snow leopards were in any way distant relatives to tigers. He wasn’t generally a studious man, though, so he’d give up before reaching any sort of conclusion one way or the other.

Settling himself cross-legged at the edge of the porch, Madara was grateful for the companionable silence that fell between them, using the time with his thoughts to sort through them and compartmentalize while he watched his furry friend do laps around the spring. Watching Tobirama swim was just the sort of amusement he needed at the moment. His movements were a combination of his usual grace and the innate ridiculousness of a cat in water, paws clawing at the water to propel himself forward and head tilted back to keep his nose above the lapping waves, willing to dunk every part of himself but his nose. It was surprisingly easy for Madara to let go of other worries in favor of smiling at the picture he made.

After several minutes it occurred to himself that he would probably relax even more if he went for a quick dip himself. Mito’s charms buried all around the pool kept the water at a pleasant temperature akin to a lukewarm bath and lounging in the quiet waves created by Tobirama’s paddling sounded particularly lovely at the moment.

His friend paused and stood on a submerged rock to keep his balance when he noticed Madara pulling at his sweater.

“What are you doing?”

“Joining you for a swim, what’s it look like?” The wide collar betrayed him by catching in his hair anyway but he managed to struggle out of it eventually and reached for the hem of his t-shirt.

“Isn’t your soul mark on your chest? You’ve always been so careful not to show it off to anyone.” Tobirama shifted and nearly lost his footing on the rock he was using for a perch. Madara snickered at his clumsy scramble to right himself before his whiskers could be soaked.

“Actually it’s on my abdomen,” he corrected. “But you’re a cat. Don’t care if you see it.”

He tugged his t-shirt off and shoved his pants down while Tobirama was still struggling to find better footing, setting his clothing aside and checking to make sure he hadn’t chosen white boxers that morning. Nothing would be more embarrassing than having to walk by Hashirama and Mito with his bits on full display when he went in to find a towel. Once he confirmed that today’s choice had been a pair of solid dark blue he felt safe to dip his toes in to the water and wade out passed the edge.

Then he stopped when Tobirama turned to look at him and yowled in surprise, sending himself toppling headlong in to the deepest part of the pond. Madara was bent double with laughter when the poor leopard surfaced.  So distracting was his laughter he didn’t even have the self-preservation to run when Tobirama headed straight for him despite knowing intimately how deep those claws could gouge when truly angered. It wasn’t until his friend reared up on his hind legs that Madara stopped and braced himself, surprised when he got two paws on his shoulders instead of claws in his gut.

Even more surprising was Tobirama’s fascination with his soul mark, utterly motionless as he bent his head to stare at where it rested an inch or so below his bottom rib.

“I’m not just a cat, I thought you knew that.” Tobirama sounded oddly breathless in a way Madara had never known felines were capable of. The confused question he was opening his mouth to ask died on his lips when he heard, “Apparently I am also your soulmate.”

“You what!?”

Tobirama blinked at him once and then Madara’s jaw almost unhinged itself when the shape of his face began to warp, less and less feline by the second. Whiskers receded, ears folded and melted away, fur retracted, and when it was all over he was staring at a very human man with snow white skin and hair like an untouched winter, eyes the same red as they had always been with three lines tattooed on his face to match. In a word, he was devastating. He was also so unexpected that Madara found himself reeling backwards from the shock and crying out when he put one of his feet down only to find nothing there to step on.

Water exploded around him as he crashed down in to the deeper parts of the pool. The last thing he saw was a pair of wide red eyes and then the world was nothing but darkness and wet. It took a moment of fighting through his instinctual panic to figure out which way was up and when he broke the surface he had to reach blindly for the shallow rocks so he could catch his balance to stop and claw the hair away from his face. Tobirama was where he had been before, still staring in awe.

“You’re a fucking person!?” he screeched, still trying to process.

“I thought you knew that! Did you really think I was just a leopard that happened to hang around the house?” Even having never seen this face before Madara could tell that eyebrow was being lifted with heavy judgment.

“Of course I did! You’ve never been anything else! What the hell!?”

“Ah, I suppose that is true. I prefer my other form over this one. It’s much more comfortable and it excuses many behaviors – like naps. Everyone expects a cat to nap.” He seemed to be taking this revelation much more calmly than Madara.

Though that may have been because this wasn’t actually a revelation to him. What was keeping his attention the most was the mark now dripping wet where it sat just below Madara’s ribs. Through the haze of his own shock it occurred to Madara that the last person to see his mark was Izuna several years before when it was just the two of them enjoying an empty beach on a rainy day. So protective was he of the mark that was meant only for his soulmate that Madara hadn’t even removed his shirt for his last two boyfriends, short relationships both and probably for that very reason.

Still gaping, he watching as if in slow motion as this man – this very human man, he still wasn’t over that bit – lifted a hand to trace the mark below his own ribs that, incredibly enough, was indeed a match for Madara’s own. His entire brain felt as though it were screeching to a halt when he finally saw what was had apparently been right there under his nose for years. This was his soulmate. Standing before him was the match he had been quietly waiting his entire life to find, would have waited the rest of his life to find, the one his soul was fated to bond with the most strongly. Here was the one that rumor said was supposed to make his soul feel like he had finally found home.

Oddly enough, he did. Being with Tobirama had always felt like coming home, although he’d never quite thought of it like that before. Even as an oversized feline Tobirama had been something more than a friend that he’d never bothered to define because until now it hadn’t mattered. Now he finally understood. What he had felt was potential, the connection between them forming whether they knew it or not, though it was impossible for him to have felt any sort of romantic yearning when he’d thought Tobirama was nothing more than an intelligent beast.

Madara’s cheek twitched.

“You fucking bastard,” he ground out. “I knew you looked familiar – you’re in all the photographs in Hashirama’s living room!”

“Ah, those. He always insists I return to this form for family photos.” Tobirama’s expression scrunched up with distaste and Madara twitched again, incensed but unable to pinpoint why.

“Just how much time do you spend as a damn cat?” he demanded.

Tobirama’s eyes dropped to stare at Madara’s mark again, his voice distant and distracted with other thoughts when he answered. “Most of it. Actually Mito has been trying to convince me to take this form long enough to find employment but it’s hard for her to talk when I have the ability to just fall asleep as soon as I hear her coming.” He shrugged one shoulder, fingers twitching, reaching halfway across the space between them and then snatching his hand back just before making contact. Madara stared at him.

“You’re a bum.”

“Well that’s rude.”

“An unemployed freeloader napping in your brother’s spare bedroom because you can’t be bothered to get a damn job! Oh for spirit’s sake! What have I gotten myself in to?”

“I’m not a bum…”

“Yes you are!” Madara blinked and the tirade he’d been about to unleash was abruptly cut short when Tobirama finally worked up the courage to reach out and brush his abdomen with hesitant fingers. His thoughts scattered and redirected back to the other issue at hand, leaving him off-balance yet again.

For a few moments neither of them said a word. They were standing quite close to each other still, enough so that Madara was able to watch the slightest changes in the other man’s expression as he traced warm skin, admiring the shapes and the colors that no tattoo could ever replicate. It took a while but after a few minutes of watching so intensely he slowly began to see it, that spark of familiarity, all the expressions he was used to seeing on the face of a leopard translated in to human form. Not that he had in any way doubted that this was his friend. Having just watched the transformation happen right in front of his eyes disapproved that theory before it could even form as an option. But it was enough of a connection that the face before him now seemed less of a stranger, less of the right person in the wrong skin.

It was enough to make him press a lightly shaking hand over the one exploring his skin, shocking Tobirama in to realizing just what he was doing though he didn’t let him pull away, and lift his other hand to explore the match to his own mark where it was framed in pale white skin.

“At least,” he murmured, “we get to skip over the whole awkward ‘getting to know you’ phase. Though I have to admit it’ll take some getting use to, seeing you like this. And I better be seeing you like this!” Tobirama gave vent to a very put upon sigh but the corners of his lips were twitching with the shadow of a smile when he answered.

“Yes, yes, fine. I promise to take this form more often if it will make you more comfortable to know that I am indeed human. Now, would you like to head back inside or have you calmed down enough yet?”

Madara turned to eye the pond. He’d been looking forward to a proper soak but discovering his soulmate had indeed calmed the sadness in him that he originally came out here to combat. A flash of triumphant amusement rose briefly when he realized that he now had the perfect excuse to reject that idiotic Tetsuo and avoid sitting through a few hours of misery trying not to offend such a powerful witch. Anything that kept him out of Tetsuo’s clutches was cause for celebration.

Finding his soulmate felt like a massive weight had been lifted from his chest; knowing that it was someone he already got along with was an extra bonus he could not have anticipated and he was doubly grateful that he got to skip over the awkward phase of dancing around each other, worried over whether or not they might be put off by his volatile temperament or some other bad habit. If anything Tobirama seemed to enjoy his crankiness. Whenever he was upset and needed someone to vent to without unnecessary advice being offered Tobirama was the first one he always turned to. And after he had wound himself down he was usually rewarded with a massive furry head in his lap purring loudly and demanding pets because Tobirama knew damn well how calming Madara found it to comb his fingers through all that soft fur.

His thoughts were definitely getting off track. Shaking his head to bring himself back to reality, he turned back to Tobirama with a smile as gentle as his naturally grumpy face was able to accommodate.  

“No, I’m fine now,” he said. “Let’s go back inside.”

Without thinking he held out one hand – and seemingly also without thinking Tobirama took it. They headed back towards the house with their fingers entwined in a loose grip, already striking up an easy conversation about something interesting Tobirama had seen on one of the television channels he insisted Hashirama put on for him. Upon stepping inside they turned down the hallway towards Tobirama’s room rather than head back to the kitchen.

They made it almost an entire hour before Hashirama was brought hurrying in to the room at the scream of “WAIT, BROTHERS!?” that echoed all throughout the house. It was a peaceful hour, at least, filled with open offers and possibilities that Madara would be more than happy to look in to as soon as he got his head wrapped around the fact that he was apparently soul matched to Hashirama younger brother rather than just a bum that lived in the house. He was going to be part of that idiot’s family in some way or another for the rest of his life.

Madara wondered, not for the first time, why fate had to be so cruel.

[rai-knightshade-art]

Macdalton Fic Prompt

Just a Fix it fic idea I had; Or, what CBS SHOULD do with the golden opportunity they have on their hands here by blatantly building up Desi as the love interest. Essentially an au of the season 3 finale/season 4 premiere (since no way is this how the premiere is gonna go are you kidding??)

So, season finale. Everyone's gathered minus Jack, they just pulled off an op by the skin of their teeth (as usual) and they're all winding down. Convo gets started when suddenly someone (Bozer or Riley maybe) blatantly asks if Mac and Desi are dating (presumably some pseudo-flirting went on during the op to push this idea). However, instead of the expected either confirmation or "wow we didn't even think about that but we're seeing this in a new light and liking it" routes, the two outright deny it and look at the rest of the crew strangely as if it should be obvious that they're not dating. Explanations on assumptions are made, there's a laugh, and then finally the bomb drops: someone else asks why Mac isn't into Desi ("she seems like the perfect gal for you Mac! Smart, badass, in the same line of work... What's not to like?"), To which Mac nonchalantly replies "oh yeah, Desi's great, but I'm just not interested. Besides, I have a boyfriend anyways." Chaos at THAT little tid bit ensues ("man why didn't you tell me you'd found somebody new?!?! I woulda backed off immediately!" "How is that the issue you have when apparently MAC'S BEEN INTO DUDES THIS WHOLE TIME?!?!" "Nah Riley I been knew Mac's bi since our early teens, dude had a HUGE crush on Leonardo DiCaprio--" "bOZER YOU SAID YOUD NEVER MENTION THAT AGAIN!" "That was before you hid being in a relationship from me man, I'm allowed to embarrass you now." Etc etc) end episode (or maybe bigger cliffhanger cut scene since not knowing Mac's bf isn't necessarily huge)

First episode of season 4, they're gathered together again, this time in the war room, presumably a few weeks after the previous episode. Everything seems normal, though there is some pointed ribbing at Mac; seems he still hasn't revealed who his secret bf is ("we're long distance, that's all I'm gonna say ok?"). Maybe there's a flashback to Mac in a phoenix corridor smiling happily while talking on the phone, presumably to the bf. I love yous are exchanged before hanging up. The voice on the other end can't be heard. At any rate, flashback concluded, Matty walks in with an uncharacteristic smile on her face. She reveals that today's mission will be including a special addition to the team. Camera is conspicuously away from the door and the windows are completely tinted as someone approaches. Matty describes their new operative when he decides to give a witty oneliner about being back at the door. Everyone jumps (except Matty and, curiously, Mac) and turns toward the door with a cry of "Jack!!!!" (Because of course it's fucking Jack what kinda girl do you take me for here?) Everyone immediately jumps up to greet him (except, again curiously, Mac, who sits with a growing but soft smile on his face; he's yet to even look at Jack). First is Riley, who barrels into him with a slightly emotional bear hug and a slug to the arm for not calling. Next is Desi, some light banter about idiot geniuses ensues, Jack hears about the volcano bit ("I've only been gone for a couple weeks y'all what the hell?!"). Bozer gets a fist bump and some best bro talk, Leanna and Matty get personal comments, and then... There's Mac. Mac has finally stood up at this point, partially hidden from view, and now stares at Jack with affection in his eyes. Jack stares right back. They exchange names softly as they slowly walk towards each other, as if pulled by one of Mac's electromagnets. ("Jack." "Mac. *Angus.*" "Wait, Angus?! Since when does Jack call him Angus?" *Cue first of several flashbacks to come, a short run down of times Jack has called Mac Angus, usually as a joke or out of frustration/seriousness. Culminates in a black screen and a very breathy cry of "Angus!" Or alternately ends with the afterglow cuddling and Mac saying "you can call me Angus... If you'd like"*) They embrace in a very close hug, the kind they didn't often do before Jack left. Riley in particular looks at them strangely, gears in her head turning, as Mac buries his face in Jack's neck. It's still just on the other side of plausibly platonic though since it's been months since they've seen each other. Slowly they part, and Jack slings an arm around Mac's shoulder and brings him in close. Everyone else looks at them weird, not used to this ultra touchy-feely behavior from the pair.

Thus we segue into part two, in which Mac and Jack ward off various questions about their closeness with answers that are technically correct and seem platonic, but are undercut with scenes from the day before Jack left, in which they fought, confessed to loving each other, kissed, and.... Well. Breathy words and moans abound. But also soft laughter and grins and also emotions and sadness and ignoring the inevitable for just one night. (Example: "Guys, clearly something fishy is going on here. (Riley)" "Yeah.... Jack knows who Mac's boyfriend is! (Bozer)" *Riley facepalms* *Jack looks offended* "Mac! Why didn't you tell me you had a boyfriend?? The nerve!" "I'm sorry, we were kinda busy before you left if you didn't notice!" (Supposedly meaning the mission) *Flashback to Mac being pushed against a wall in his apartment, being kissed within an inch of his life as he's lifted against the wall, and playing with Jack's shirt*)

This finally culminates in someone just exclaiming "No, guys, *Jack IS the boyfriend!*", Either Riley or possibly a returned Nikki who picked up on it immediately because she knows what Mac looks like when he's dating a team member and he's putting out all the same signs (though no one else is left from the og team who would know said signs except, obviously, Jack). If it's not Riley then Riley yells "I KNEW IT!!"

Anyways more chaos and discussion ensues cause half the crew can't wrap their head around this and the other half is like "how did you guys not pick up on the mutual pining I mean really", with at least one convo like this ensuing: "Wait, have you guys been dating this whole time?!?!?" "No! We had girlfriends, remember??" "Yeah man I ain't no cheat." "So, wait... When DID you guys get together?" *Sheepish shared look* "Well uh..." "Kinda.. sorta... The day before I shipped out?" "Wait, it took THAT LONG for you guys to get your heads out of your asses?!?!" "Well I'm sorry Mac here is a little slow on the uptake--" "Me?! Says the guy who's apparently been in love with me since the goddamn Sandbox!" "Hey man you weren't much better, falling in love when I followed you to LA." "So... You're both idiots." *Another shared look* *both* "Yes."

Should also mention those flashbacks went backwards, from Macdalton cuddling in the afterglow, to in-bed banter (with possible call backs to previous banter), to heavy making out in the hallway, and finally, to the fight that started it all ("Why do you care so much man?! I'll be back before you know it!" "Because I LOVE you Jack! I think I always have! And when you leave me behind it hurts cause I can't protect you the way you've protected me! And it hurts even more cause you don't feel the same!!" *Shocked silence* "What... Could possibly make you think I don't feel the same way?")

Ends with "So... Have you told James yet?" *Twin looks of terror*

[crzygirls]

exo (ot9) reaction: another idol flirts with their s/o

Hi sweetie! Can I get an Exo reaction where some other idol starts flirting with their s/o?? Love you!!💕💕

minseok ✦

minseok doesn’t strike me as an overly jealous person, so watching another idol flirt with his significant other wouldn’t push too many buttons. this is because he trusts you so wholeheartedly, he knows that you wouldn’t intentionally reciprocate flirtatious behavior with someone that isn’t him. even if you do happen to laugh a little too loudly at this person’s jokes or accidentally graze their arm while grabbing your drink, he seems to have a really high level of eq, so he would be really good about keeping calm and reassuring himself that your relationship is too secure for you to cheat on him. i feel as though his level of frustration—because he wouldn’t really get angry—would vary based upon the situation. this idol would have to be doing the absolute most to truly piss him off, but even then he would do his best to respond in a mature fashion.

(ex. “sorry if this comes off as rude, but do you mind?” / “they already have plans then, actually.”)

junmyeon ✧

a well trained leader, junmyeon would know how to conduct himself in these situations based on past experiences, but that doesn’t mean he’s always perfect about acknowledging these experiences and applying them to current situations. he would try his hardest to be mature, though the only way he knows how to successfully do this while also avoiding awkward conversation is to keep his mouth closed entirely. due to this, it’s inevitable that there is going to be some tension between him and this idol. it’s that gross, thick sort of tension that you can just see when you look at the way the interact (or intentionally avoid doing so). eventually, it’ll get to the point where he’s grown tired of smiling through his distress and nudging your side, so he’ll reluctantly choose to speak up. he would be very good at masking his insecurity-driven anger with a level tone, which can be accredited to many years leading painfully unpleasant interviews.

(ex. “haha, (y/n), do you think we can talk outside? it’s kind of... important.” / “do you mind if we step out? my bandmate is having an emercency and i’m kind of their ride home...”)

yixing ✦

i really do hate the clueless yixing trope, but i honestly don’t think he would notice much if another idol was flirting with you. based on his interactions with interviewers and exo members alike, it’s likely that he would simply interpret this as common behavior between two friends. however, let’s say that he does take notice of the forced flirting this person is throwing at you—it’s just that obvious. he wouldn’t really mind unless you do. this may seem a little contradictory to my first statement, but yixing strikes me as someone who would be very perceptive when it comes to negative feelings. he may not know why immediately, but he would definitely be able to tell when you’re feeling uncomfortable in a certain situation. it’s something that will take a minute or two to click in his head, but he would politely put it to bed as soon as it does. he wouldn’t really care if you’re alright with such conversation, though he’s always ready to go to bat for you. when i say “go to bat,” i mean super bluntly and politely tell this person what’s up, you know?

(ex. “oh my, you guys are so cute!” / “i don’t think they’re comfortable being hit on when their boyfriend is right here...”)

baekhyun ✧

baekhyun can be super outgoing in everyday social situations, so i think you’d be able to see the contrast between his typical behavior and his behavior when he’s jealous. normally, he would be injecting himself into the conversation any chance he gets, talking about relevant topics and things relating back to them. however, when he notices that this idol is flirting with his significant other, his demeanor will change to that of a competitive child. he would narrow his eyes at this person for a moment before taking on a more clingy persona. with two arms secured around your waist, he’ll have you wrapped in a comfortable backhug. his head resting on your shoulder, he would shoot a devious smile toward them. instead of being completely active in the conversation taking place, he would merely respond after you’ve said something or something was said about you. he would go out of his way to show this person how close the two of you are, no matter how petty he comes across as.

(ex. “their eyes are pretty, aren’t they? i tell them that every night.” / “trust me, they’ll be very busy every night this week.”)

jongdae ✦

jongdae would be very similar to baekhyun in his response to jealousy. contrasting to the older member though, i feel that he would try his best to get you away from the idol in question, in addition to becoming incredibly clingy and boastful of your relationship. he seems like the type of person who would be protective, enough to want you away from this person entirely. he would be racking his brain in an attempt to find any good excuse to get you away from them and with friends he trusts a lot more. if he’s unsuccessful, he’ll be very similar to his hyung in that he would go out of his way to mention your partnership as often as possible, yet he’ll do do in the most faux-friendly way possible. his hand won’t be resting on your waist, but rather your ass. not only this, but the second you’re not paying attention, he’ll be giving them the nastiest glare you can imagine. he wouldn’t care about how annoying he’s being; he wants them to get the point and stop hitting on you.

(ex. “new york? that’s so cool! i took them there for our first anniversary and they fell in love.” / “ooh they can’t that day, sorry. i’m taking them out to dinner, but maybe another time, kid!”)

chanyeol ✧

people love to portray chanyeol as this hothead in their aus and such, which i agree with to some degree, but i honestly think that he wouldn’t really know how to react to something that evokes a feeling of jealousy. he wouldn’t be sure how to express his frustration without accidentally taking it out on you, which he wouldn’t risk doing for anything. he wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable as a result of him being weird about it, so he would try his hardest not to let you see that he’s feeling uncomfortable himself. he sees that you’re not reciprocating this inappropriate behavior, therefore he would focus on controlling himself instead. as opposed to blowing up at this idol, he would keep a level head and contribute to the positive atmosphere as much as he can. it wouldn’t be until much later that he allows himself to show his annoyance, as well as confide in you. he would let his forehead smack the steering wheel of his car and do the deepest sigh before unloading everything—starting from how weird that person was and ending with his great efforts not to make you a spectacle.

(ex. “like, the way they were looking at you was so diabolical, i almost lost it for a second there.” / “i was ready to body someone, but i really tried to stay friendly for your sake.”)

kyungsoo ✦

on top of kyungsoo’s resting bitch face, he tends to come off as pretty aloof in a lot of social settings, so it may be a bit difficult to tel whether or not he’s jealous. his feelings would be more easily noticeable if this is an idol he’s close with, as you’ll be able to take note of the fact that his contributions to the conversation are becoming more seldom. he’s a very mature person and he’s definitely not the type to cause a scene over his own jealousy; instead, he’ll fall into a mute state. his hand in yours would become more tense listening to this person call you beautiful and watching them place their hand on your shoulder, which would be a dead giveaway. this would be different from the usual quiet behavior we see sometimes during vlives and such, as there’s more of an intensity to it. it’s really hard to put into words, but if you know kyungsoo well, you’ll know when he’s feeling jealous. you won’t be able to see it on his face or in his responses, but if you’re able to read his body language, you’ll know.

(ex. “yeah, that’s cool i guess.” / “mhm, yeah.”)

jongin ✧

maybe my opinion on jongin + jealousy is a little biased because he’s such a teddy bear, but i feel like he wouldn’t really get angry in response to jealousy. instead, i can really see him being hurt when other people—not just idols—flirt with you. he knows you wouldn’t leave him for anyone else, but watching you obliviously laugh with them would cause this hurt feeling in his chest. seeing you so happy around someone who clearly has something more intimate than friendship in mind will make him worry that he isn’t good enough. he would become silent in the moment, and even for the following days to come. his insecurities would temporarily drive a wedge between the both of you until he’s ready to talk it out. the worst part is that you know he isn’t mad about it; you know there’s a deeper reason as to why he got so bent out of shape. no matter how many times you apologize, it still hurts to see someone who’s usually so happy look like the personification of the sun setting on a stormy evening.

(ex. “it’s whatever. it doesn’t really matter anymore, anyway.” / “i don’t know, i just—watching you with them hurt me so fucking much. it reminded me of you and i.”)

sehun ✦

sehun definitely doesn’t do well with jealousy, if you ask me. being the youngest member of the group, he’s so used to getting a lot of attention from his hyung’s. having said that, i feel as though he’s probably grown accustomed to the same sort of treatment in your relationship as well; he’s a bit of a spoiled brat and we all love him for it. part of this is due to his unfamiliarity with expressing his emotions in a healthy way. i feel like eq would be something he has to work on, as he would snap very easily at the sight of another idol hitting on you. anger is typical for most people in a situation like this, but he would do an especially poor job of holding his tongue and keeping his composure. he wouldn’t really be upset at you either, though it may come off that way at first. he would be snarky toward you on the way home because he doesn’t know how to express his feelings without being completely vulnerable, which can be so scary sometimes. as soon as he realizes how he sounds, he’ll be so quick to sigh and sincerely apologize, as well as explain that the other person had annoyed him, not you.

(ex. “not sure where you’ve been for the last two years now, but they’re not on the market.” / “you can take one look at them and tell that they don’t like the way you’re talking to them, so why don’t you go somewhere before it becomes a problem?”)

[unproduciblesmackdown]

so being abused the entire first 2 decades of your life: what’s up with that? Night Posts Edition

- classic when finding some “uh oh relatable!” content abt various Disorderres and there’s some thing like “many symptoms overlap with ptsd” and it’s like ooh which one is applying to me?? i mean spoilers the idea that The Grouping Of Non Nt Traits And Experiences Into Distinct Classifications is not actually...an exact science and for all intents and purposes it makes no difference if i am going “oh god #me” at an informative post about adhd if actually its ptsd acting exactly the same anyways so. but yknow it’s wild n zany being like “am i overstepping my bounds b/c this was caused by coping with trauma possibly? what audacity” and etc when it really....that doesnt matter....

- also ugh @ retaining things that downplay abusers’ responsibility for their actions (in specific things you’re personally dealing with, not like, as a general stance) and shift blame onto yourself like........you have to get so used to treating someone’s Abusive Behavior as something inevitable that you can’t ever expect them to stop doing, and thus pretty much considering someone abusive like a force of nature because they’re just gonna do what they’re gonna do whenever they next get Set Off rather than like.......a person who is responsible for their own behavior and in control of their own choices and like. especially zany when you’re a kid and they’re your parent so there’s the Power Imbalance of them being an adult and the other power imbalance of them being in control of your whole existence. but so like even just the other year i was taking the blame for calmly speaking back to a grownass man close to thrice my age raging at me and saying like, not verbatim but the idea of like “ugh i know it was partly my fault for even saying anything back to him because i knew he’d just continue to yell but unfortunately i just refuse to weather that kind of behavior without standing up for myself at all anymore” but like no!!!! that’s shifting all the responsibility for this other person’s behavior onto myself, like i Made him choose to shout at me at like 4am because he sucks and has some kind of superiority power trip issues. cuz i am well within rights to respond to anyone addressing me and it’s Not my fault at all that he chooses to react the way he reacts. 

- also that i was ready to excuse my being blamed for this by others because they were closer to that person than they were to me and i was gonna be like “okay i Get wanting to defend someone who’s closer to you” but no!!!! actually!!!! i may get it but i don’t condone excusing anyone’s horrible behavior in the least just cuz you know them or they’re friends or family or something. in fact that’s terrible. i’m just primed to be Used To It because of the weird situation of parental abuse where there’s other people also trapped in this location and daily life with an abuser and if someone “causes” the abuser to start being shitty then they’ll get blamed / resented for that. me and my siblings seem more like friendly acquaintances b/c we had to be pitted against each other in these kinds of ways for eons until we were all in our teens and got some more Space and kind of realized that we weren’t each others enemies and got closer and my dumb little brother was old enough to stop being a whiny binch and Owed me for helping him with math hw over the phone from 2 hrs drive away lol.....jk, sort of.....we did get along great eventually but then i left thanks to said abuse and us talking via twitter isn’t at all the same as us being able to talk in person :/

- also one thing that sometimes Strikes me is that when i’m like blandly recalling incidents of abuse like “oh yeah, that time” it bothers me less to think about stuff that happened to me specifically than to think about times it was Other people who were being treated that way. the latter was always equally or probably more upsetting and it always felt just as bad in the moment anyways, there was no major distinction in the Abuse In Progress experience if it was directed mostly on you than on other people

- all my life i’ve also been super stubborn which never helped and even Abuse MaGee would have to try to get creative with Disciplinary Systems and there was this golden “punishment” which was eat dinner in your room by yourself and i was like oh my god can i really. the horror of Family Dinner was like, this dark comedic farce playing out in that house for all our lives. christ. speaking of being stubborn this one time my sister cut my toe with a knife (half accidentally) because i refused to stop swinging my legs despite her holding the knife under the table lol and i also refused to tell on her b/c we were All In This Together (that is, Us vs The Abuser, which always took precedence over any internal conflict in our faction lol)

- always remembering how my “’”””””””defining”””””””””” trait was always getting good grades except the only reason i ever felt this pressure was the time my sister caught shit for getting a C, and i wasn’t even getting A - F letter grades yet and was already like jfc guess i can’t like....get a single C ever.....the joke is i’ve always been a godawful student who hates school, i just also managed to get great grades fairly easily, b/c of the devil probably. i’m sorry

- love to wonder what interests i might have been able to explore if i didn’t want to hide anything i was genuinely interested in and other True Thoughts And Feelings from my ‘rents. who knows!!! even now i’m not sure what i like and my vague ideas about it are all mostly In Theory and i don’t have any hopes and dreams b/c of never being able to really consider my own interests and desires and also because when every day of your life is basically spent in survival mode about everything else, that’s not really conducive to having dreams and ambitions. see also: like, being really poor

- The Weird Experience when only one of your parents is abusive and the other parent is also experiencing spousal abuse and so like, even though they’re your parent, you know that they don’t really have equal power as the abusive one because they too are being abused? it’s a complicated thing b/c that’s how every individual experience with abuse is (complicated). and so you’ve got this bizarre situation where maybe someone cares about you but they can’t really protect you from this other person. and like, my dad is crap and in some areas even a crappier person than my abusive mom and also i hate him, but i only hate him for certain things lmao not for being abused or some ways he tried to deal with it. i know what’s trash and what’s not

- the zany experience of No One Will Help You Ever.....lucky for me i eventually figured out on my own that what i’d been living with all the time had actually been abuse for real all along! and yet still i knew that like, there wasn’t much i could immediately do with that information because..........yknow, what do you actually do. i was basically already 18, so. and even if i hadnt been. there’s nothing to do for it!! just sucks to be you, basically. but an exception is that when one day i texted my friend to ask if i might be able to leave my house overnight and crash at their family’s place for a little bit, their parents immediately were like Yes Of Course and they let me stay there for a week and were very nice about all of it. between them and the nice trans lady who gave me some more Housing Assistance by letting me stay in her spare room for like, most of december.....my Allies. plus someone who talked to me via online once i bailed on my ‘rents! if they read this they know who they are and they have continued to be so kind and generous ugh love and appreciate you

- god just individual occasions of “THIS bullshit that i went through this one time” of especially ridiculous incidents.....i could go on for eons

- sort of tangentially related and related to the first point but ugh specific memories of Moments In Which It Continued To Be Revealed To Me That I, Individually, Was Prone To Being Kind Of Socially Ostracized.....like my ass started noticing that shit as soon as i was around other kids aka preschool aka 4 yrs old.......like i’m usually somewhat withdrawn and cautious and quiet in social situations especially what with the association that “misbehaving” = trauma exposure so, yknow, that might be a way that you’re pressured into just keeping to yourself and keeping your head down. but talk about “i don’t really relate to other people my age” lmao like i always preferred interacting with adults really while by and large dealing with the other kids felt like a challenge that i was never gonna actually come out on top of and i still remember individual Efforts i’d make to ~fit in~ and Participate that just fell flat or got me actively excluded....Ugh City........and it’s like, i could make a list of Social Traits i think i have that help make it difficult for people to be interested in interacting with me, or “contribute” to those joyous occasions when you get to sit back and take in the thinly veiled contempt directed at you by various shitheads, but like, even that’s not really the right way to explain it. its kind of more a Greater Than The Sum Of Its Weird Parts sorta combined experience where i guess i just have this kind of Negative Je Ne Sais Quoi that gets ya the social brushoff / rejection. c’est ce que c’est. the joke is i actually like people and socializing In Theory, i just usually don’t get to do it. shoutout to the advanced relatability of alana calling everyone Acquaintances b/c i literally did/do that lmao......like are we friends if we don’t talk all that often? it’s part on me cuz i’m crap at being the person to initiate conversation cuz too often i assume i’d be an annoyance and also b/c conversation with me is like, not great lmao but still......ce’st l’a v’ie

anyways (clip from that fuckin song where it’s like WHO CAN RELATE lmao.mp3)

[jiangsspace]

3 TAEHYUNGS x best friend ver.

Having a hot rapper as a best friend had its perks. Firstly, he would always invite you to the best after-parties and introduce you to his famous rapper friends. Secondly, he was the perfect fake boyfriend at bars. Slightly too aggressive when you were approached by guys who wanted to offer you a drink.

“That guy was super slimy!” Taehyung exclaimed as he dropped the possessive boyfriend act and retracted his dominant hand from your waist.

“But that’s just because you think no guy is good for me—” you sighed as you turned around in the bar stool to go and order another ---.

“Well, yeah you could say that. But did you see that guy’s eyes? Roaming all over your body! Disgusting!” He spat the last words like they were bitter.

Taehyung was your best friend because he got you perfectly. All those lazy nights where you just talked and laughed your asses off were golden. He loved the same movies as you, listened to the same music as you and laughed at the same jokes as you.

Even that one night when Taehyung called you up at 2AM knowing you were still up.

“Lipi-ya!” He screamed into the phone so loud you thought you were going to lose hearing.

“What the fuck!” you cursed failing to contain your laughter. He always started his conversation with a scream.

“I have a present for you,” he whispered. “I’m downstairs, let me in.” Click. Never before had he hung up on you like that but you decided not to make him wait since it was so late. Besides, it was winter and you knew he wasn’t wearing warm clothes— he never did.

“Fuck, it’s cold!” he shivered, dragging his words out. He shrugged the leather jacket off his shoulders and let it fall to the floor with a thump.

“You are aware of the fact that you might catch a cold if you keep roaming the streets in nothing but a leather jacket, right?” you scolded him with your hands on your hips.

“I can’t take you seriously when you’re wearing such adorable sandals,” he pointed at your bunny slippers.

“They’re slippers, dummy—” you glared at him raising your hand as if to give him a slap on the arm.

“Anyway, I got you a gift.” He pushed past you into the kitchen and rummaged your fridge for a minute searching for his favorite energy drink. Why on earth did you support his sick habit?

“What for?” you wondered, sitting down on the worn out couch. Taehyung smile at you wickedly and took out a small box out of the kangaroo pocket of his oversized Thrasher hoodie — which, for the record, you got for him as a birthday gift.

“I just released some new music  — a true fan would know, by the way,” he sighed dramatically.

“Why did you buy me a gift?” You were still so confused. “I mean, why are you rewarding me for releasing new stuff?”

“‘Cause you always support me and let me whine and complain to you,” Taehyung smiled. You motioned for him to sit down next to you, which he did. 

Opening the box you saw a beautiful emerald bracelet with a golden clasp. Taehyung grabbed the jewel delicately into his long fingers and made a move to tie it around your wrist.

“It’s custom-made by the way,” he pointed out concentrated on the clasp.

“You. Are a dummy!” you exclaimed while trying not to sniff and cry.

“You’re the most fashionable out of all my friends—” you twirled in front of Taehyung to show off the new outfit you had gathered together with your minimal student budget.

“I’m your only friend,” Taehyung cut you off with a deadly smirk, rendering you to stop dead in your tracks.

“Mean much?” You pout at his sudden witty remark.

You met Taehyung in high school where he was the aspiring drama kid and passionate singer whereas you were the piano prodigy assigned to play at every school performance. When your music teacher paired the tall and friendly kid with the cute piano player, a friendship was inevitable.

“I’m third grade student Kim Taehyung.” He extended a lanky arm with long fingers at you. Hesitantly, you took it.

“Third grade student Y/N.” You blurted out.

Over time you two became closer and you spent nearly every waking hour together. By the time high school was over you had both enrolled into the same university — by accident.

Taehyung had converted from the tall yet skinny boy into a man with muscles.

“Oh shut up! I could easily lift you over my head!” Taehyung towered over you.

“That’s just because you’re taller!” You laughed at his face, taunting him.

Taehyung let out an exaggerated scoff shaking his head in that adorable way when he was inconvenienced or annoyed.

“Don’t make me lift you over my head,” he smiled, taunting you.

“Are you threatening me? Me?” you laughed, but your snickering was cut by Taehyung’s quick hands that took a firm hold of your waist and lifted you up on his broad shoulders. Gasping out loud you kicked your foot as a reflex, but Taehyung had an iron strong grip on your middle.

“Take your words back!” He playfully growled into your ear.

“Never!”

“Why do you always skate so close to me?” you let out an exasperated sigh to which Taehyung just shrugs his shoulders.

“It’s because I like you so much!” he smiles his boxy smile and sends you one of his annoyingly adorable V-signs.

Lately Taehyung was acting different and you couldn’t quite wrap your head around his behavior. He was kind to you on other days as well, but lately he had been so much more thoughtful and caring. He was acting so differently, it almost scared you. It definitely took you off guard when he would show up to your daily hangout spot with your favorite drinks and snacks.

“Here, I brought you the banana kicks you like so much,” he blurted out throwing the bag of heaven into your lap.

“You do know I could’ve just bought these on my own, right?” you lifted your head up to meet his stern gaze as he rolled up with his skateboard.

“Yeah, I know.” He scrunched his nose in protest. “But it’s more practical I buy them for you on my way here, right?”

You threw your head back to let it rest on the tree trunk you had been leaning on while waiting for him. He seemed uncomfortable as he rubbed the back of his neck and stared at his sneakers like they were the most interesting artwork there ever was.

“Tae,” you drew his attention to you. “Talk to me.”

He scrunched his face in shame, the defined eyebrows quivering ever so slightly. But he complied and sat down next to you. Taehyung had a confession to make — which he didn’t really want to admit. At least not to you.

“You know there are no topics you can’t discuss with me.” You pressed your head on his shoulder as a way of solidarity.

“I’ve— There’s this girl I really like. She’s the reason I wake up in the mornings.” Finally getting the courage to speak those words aloud lifted a massive weight off of Taehyung’s shoulders and he felt instantly more relaxed. But the fact you were leaning onto him now, made blush creep up his cheeks. Since he was, in fact, talking about you. His best friend.

@astraeus thank you for bearing with all my super weird questions. i had so much fun writing this and i hope you enjoyed it as much as i did.

[ctrl-shift-esc]

The Bitch Face ; my accidental Bodyguard...

Unusual Blogpost title, I know. 

Well...Hello, 

It’s Tuesday night, and I’m writing to you for the very first time from my dining room table. Next to my newly purchased scented candle, drinking hot chocolate topped with marshmallows. In other words; it’s Tuesday night & I can’t complain. 

I’ve spent the past couple days pretty much bed ridden. I started working full time on the set of Riverdale as Betty’s stand-in. Calm your horses! It’s nothing special... For those of you who don’t know what a stand-in is; it’s the person who fills in for the actors while the camera and lighting guys set up the shots. We’re exactly what our title states. WE JUST STAND THERE - we stand-in. Behind the scenes. Okay okay, yes, it’s still pretty cool for a day job, I must say. I really do enjoy witnessing movie magic for a living. Although, days on set are more often than not, very long days. Little sleep, long hours, and cold weather is a party invitation for viruses. So a party they had... I was knocked out by a massive cold. My body hurt, my face hurt, my head... Needless to say, the past few days, I had no choice but to just sit there, on my bed. Inevitably spending hours on end, thinking. Thinking about everything and anything. From color patterns, to reminding myself to pick up moisturized Kleenex’s, to my behavior patterns... and that got me thinking some more. 

Have you ever noticed your patterns? What pisses you off? What hurts you? What makes you laugh? What makes you sad but you react with an attitude instead cuz that’s easier to do than to show how you’re really feeling?

Well whether you’ve ever noticed or not, we all have patterns. I have multiple patterns. Plural amounts of patterns. For one, I find hats and puns hilarious. Dad jokes; get me every time. I will always cry at sad movies. I will always cry if I see someone else cry. I hardly believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 min. So always make that 25. That’s just to name a few. However, I will be writing about one specific pattern. One that I’m not so proud of...

How do I say this...

I have a pattern of acting like a B. I. T. C. H. when my feelings are hurt, when I’m disappointed, when I’m mad, when I’m afraid... There! I said it. 

Cuz don’t get me wrong, this is not a quality I enjoy. I don’t turn green out of pleasure... Which is what made me ask myself; well, if this is something I don’t like about myself then why would I do it? Why would I react that way? Well... I’ve somehow hired the “Bitch Face” as my bodyguard.  

Why did I choose to write about this? Because I’m a firm believer in calling yourself out. Putting all your bullshit on the table. Own up, at least if you’re being a little shit, you’re genuine about it. 

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had “friends” call me names, “you’re weird”, “bug eyes”, “you’re annoying”. I’ve had teachers, managers, bosses, act like raging lunatics, yelling, just because they could. Because I wouldn’t say anything. I’ve had boyfriends lie to my face about sleeping around, because I wouldn’t be confident enough to breakaway. I’ve spent countless highschool lunches hiding away in the washrooms because I couldn’t sit at the “cool” table... Every table - was a cool table... I went from one circle of friends to the next trying to find my crowd. I never really found my one bunch of people. I flocked around and had friends in different groups. Some I don’t talk to anymore and some I’ll keep forever. I remember playing “Comeback games” in middle school, where you had a face to face battle saying smart-ass comebacks. Mine were always weak. Kids are so savage. I blatantly remember being outcasted by my friends whenever we had a disagreement. These outcast phases could last for weeks. The outcast nominees alternated from week to week. 

Having to move often as a kid, and always having to reinvent myself, reinvent my place in society. Sick of constantly being taken for granted, being made fun of, not fitting in, became one of my pet-peeves. Somewhere along the way, I promised myself I wouldn’t take anyone's shit anymore. No more mrs. Nice Girl. 

That was the biggest mistake I could’ve done. To re-invent myself as this Bad-Ass who is tough as a nail. Because that’s so far from the truth.

In Fact (I have the utmost love for myself when I say this) , I am simply a small, fragile, very emotional, empathetic girl on the inside. I’m a creative soul, with a never ending love bucket. I’d like to add that I own a very colorful imagination. I love all that is cheesy, romantic, fairy-tale like. I still sleep with a teddy bear for cryin’ out loud! 

Over the years, I somehow led myself to believe that this girl, was too weak to stand-up for herself without being a B. I. T. C. H. 

But is that the case? Was I really never going to be taken seriously if I hadn’t become such a hard-ass? If I didn’t develop such icy capabilities? ppfff.. No.. I really don’t think so. Now, question is... How do I Undo this?

How do I fire this “Bitch Face”? 

I believe there’s a way to stand in your truth and get your message across without having to put up a front. Vulnerability at its finest. 

I believe, I built expectations based on how I thought I wanted those around me to act towards me... though, what if I changed my perception? What if I removed all expectations? (we all know expectations are no bueno, blah blah, I already knew that) but I mean, what if I stopped expecting to be so important to others? (bare with me for a second)...That what ever others do around me, has in fact, nothing to do with me. What if I let go of this Idea of right and wrong. Then maybe I wouldn’t have anything to react to... 

Deep shit. huh? Interesting nonetheless...

All I know, is that, using my Resting Bitch Face as something to hide behind, has never felt good. Pushing those away who (I’ve decided) had hurt me, was actually the complete opposite of what I ultimately wanted, which was to get closer. Anger has been my accidental bodyguard for long enough now, and I want it to quit. 

How ‘bout I promise myself to let go of the walls I’ve built. 

Tell myself that vulnerability is sexy. That kindness is pretty, that standing in your truth is powerful. Tell myself that my quirkiness, is my beautiful. And that none of the above is weak. 

How ‘bout dat.

On that note

Ctrl+Shift+ Kindness is the new Bad-Ass, sprinkle that shit everywhere. 

[sorrymomandcat]

Wed. November 6 2019

12:21AM I need a new lighters 

8:09AM 

I woke up with that feeling. 

Surprisingly not tired. 

I might be after I cry. 

Goodbye past.

4:33PM I'm starting this in my car on my anxious pressured 'break' at the ever busy Budapest. I'm gonna not. Brb.

4:55PM Okkkk, I’m going to be real with you.

I had a lot of clever ways to open this conversation but I have forgotten them since sitting in my Ferrari having not 1, but 2 smokes. You ever feel like you’re chewing on your own teeth? No? Good, that means you haven’t smoked meth for the past 255 days. To be clear- Cobain, Lampwick & The Joke are all synonyms for a former co-worker. Although the same person, they’re sort of not #mentalhealthawareness. TLDR; the more evolved part of me really hopes this guy is just a mean, jaded fucking asshole because the alternative is that they’re deeply psychotic and likely the permanent kind. Both leave little hope for improvement but the former at least KNOWS that. KNOWS I know. I could do a whole bullet-point slideshow fucking presentation on the red flags I had been seductively blindfolded to through exploitation of deepest nature and a stubborn unwillingness to accept pain and anger & I just might. I might. I might need to! I processed most of it as it was happening, denial was a bitch though. If you come from a place of; neglect, abuse and chaos but decided to assess your damages rather than project them on to innocent and typically pretty wonderful people.. then you need to equip yourself. Even if you took the more outward approach, leaving everyone in your path as empty useless collateral damage.. you could benefit as well. Tell yourself 'I’m only self-improving to gain further access and a tighter hold of my victims’ It doesn’t matter. Educate yourself on the impact of trauma/abuse/upbringing. See what happens to you. @ me. 

5:53PM There’s a lot of Construction Boyz here tonight. They hit on me and I’m all like ‘omg I smoke crystal meth and I’m in an over-sized hoodie at work with obviously contrasting roots growing in.. you have no idea how much I needed this’ hahah. Still, it’s nothing quite like the validation I get from making humble jokes to myself in my neurotic head! Where was I? Oh yeah. The Joke; Lampdick. This motherfucker fucking pulls out a REAL LIFE meth pipe, Chief Leaf right there. Of course CL is through-n-through up to date and real time a best friend without judgement, so it doesn’t reflect on me, but I’ve been fighting tooth (lol) and nail against obvious (but not blatant) disapproval toward this endeavor with Joke.. (of course gaslit with remarks like ‘fuck the haters’ ‘you’re really going to care what they say’ ‘it isn’t their relationship’ .. you’re the hater.. they treat me with consistent respect so duh.. you���re absolutely fucking right-it’s ours-and it fucking sucks because you’re an abusive psychopath.. shove that isolation groundwork technique up your) ? No respect. To pull out a fucking meth pipe after:

Day 1 appreciating we had a different DOC (drug of choice) and agreeing that use needs to be controlled in the best harm reduction sense possible & I firmly disclosed that I am 100% in no fucking way ever going to be okay with anyone-ever smoking meth near/with me. I still barely forgive the fuckers that ever let me do it - and I know full God damn well it was my choice/fault/willing action. I barely forgave myself! For letting them let me! Or that I even let me let them do it! So. No. It was immediately made clear. Day 1.  

Throughout this treachery The Joke made here-and-there comments about like “pass it this way” and “why don’t you save me any” and other repulsively ignorant and juvenile comments and my stance toward the matter remained firm. Which he always met with “yeah I know! I’m obviously joking! I agree! I would never do that to you” Like I was crazy for hardening my responses. Fucker, fucking fucker.

Seeing/hearing what I have vulnerably shared and experienced since the first day I made this choice (and I know not everyone who has/will make that choice is going to have MY experience. I’m not claiming that. I’m claiming ‘I don’t give a fuck what another person’s experience may be - I am not fucking here for it’ - ‘it’s a no from me dawg’ 

Knowing how desperately I am trying AND want AND try to want (some days it really do be like that) to stop smoking crystal. To end-all repair the damage it has done to myself, my relationships and my life. To prevent the inevitable damage that waits if I don’t. 

Not to mention all the attempts at ‘crazy making’ by exploiting my guilt and fear of potential harm: caused by crystal meth. ie; “you’re definitely sleep-stealing my keys and/or moving things because YOU’RE smoking crystal meth, and that shit is BAD bad + your traumatic childhood,’ (that he doesn’t give a fuck about unless using it against me in similar scenarios) ‘so come on. You can’t deny engaging in these behaviors, that I refuse tell you about. You meth-trauma black events out.. you’re not conscious of it because of YOUR big bad drug.” (which it is and I don’t intend to downplay it)

Seriously. These are real events & that’s just scratching the fucking surface. Note: this blog intentionally has NO followers and is ran anonymously. My intention is only to self-vindicate the man made madness I've enabled. Yet STILL it manages to drag into a month and a half of my God damn precious and OBVIOUSLY seriously fucking sensitive time. I feel NO shame for that; for struggling right now. For falling the fuck on my ass/face/faceassfuckhands onto a SERIOUSLY cemented floor! that manages to also be falling upwards into my fucking face! So instead of ceasing upon impact; continuously bashing my fucking FACE in. It fucking happens man. I fucking know that and I fucking own it as shamelessly as is safe to. Not as a way to justify where I am right now - but to foster a belief that I am worth the insidiously meticulous effort that's required to be better. In a better position to improve the quality of how I serve myself and thus actually beginning to serve those around me. Jesus shit what a Joke. I can’t believe I let myself: be treated this way, be ignorant to it, be willing to entertain the idea that maybe it was OK (even warranted).. but between you and me: I find it even harder to believe that another human being - one who has clearly been deeply wounded as well - can see the genuine sincerity of another human being’s soul and heart.. compulsively bleeding from a profundity raw enough to captivate a nihilist.. and humbly exposes it.. with nothing but purity in the regard of inherit human good.. and could intentionally stick their dirty fucking arms vigorously inside and tear at the exposed gauge made faithfully available. I’m not innocent here. But there’s no blood on my hands. I won’t point my fingers but my eyes are staring right at you. I know what you did to me. I did not agree to it. I agreed to taking the risk. Do you know what you did to me? Educate yourself. Wash your fucking hands. 

I didn’t bring any crystal to Budapest today. I didn’t know I was going to begin opening this, or I would have.

= I’ve got to go for a smokes. 

That’s enough for now. 

7:55PM I don’t know wtf but Doug offered me to get stoned and so I did outside but the guys who needed to switch rooms came back and then outside too because they insisted on my break.. Golf was looking for tape and offered me a Tim Horton’s, I said hot chocolate. Then Striped Vest guy also forever chatted and offered me a Tim Horton’s; I said hot chocolate. Still no tape and I tell him about Striped Vest and hot chocolate. He says ok. Meanwhile, Doug and his friend Chevy Lover are shooting the shit too and Doug asked for my number. Well first he asked if I was single. He asked if I was dating anybody LOL first of all I’m stoned and second of all the literal words out of my mouth were ‘everybody’ sincerely believing it as a reflection of my innocent love for life and immediately realizing that was a stupid answer so on reflex I said “no, myself. ha ha no. nobody. nope. that’s a. this guy who was my boyfriend died once. like a long time ago. no. weird. yeah it was wicked. wait what? why? but no. I don’t. not.” and I’ll never forget that or this hot chocolate. 

8:03PM Golf asked me to put his poppy on (dude you’re 51, you’ve definitely done this more than me and I HATE war) so I asked him like, when the war was and what it was called - “Oh no, I don’t know a lot about history” meanwhile a second ago he was like “I guess I should put one on because my Grandpa fought in the war” no that was you. anyways so I’m learning about WW1. You say you remember so much, name 5 of our veterans? #therealneverforget 

Disclaimer: I still haven’t read anything about it, I’m sorry to all relatives of dead soldiers I deeply condolence and RIP. No disrespect. We out here.

8:07PM Damn I really wish I had another hot chocolate.

8:39PM How is it not midnight?