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princessmisery666 · 1 year

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Please don't leave. Jensen Ackles and reader

Please Don't Leave

Summary: Friends to lovers to friends, that can work, right?

Warnings/Genres/Troupes: angst, fluff, Jensen in his thicc Soldier Boy era (that’s a warning in itself!)

W/C: 4.3k

Characters: Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki. Small Parts/Mentioned: Karl Urban, Jack Quaid, Gen Padalecki.

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x reader (you - no descriptions of body type or ethnicity).

Notes: For the purpose of this fic, Jensen is not and never has been married.

A/N: This drabble got way out of hand.

Betas: @deanwinchesterswitch // any mistakes belong to me.

Graphics: Title card Jensen photo credit - https://twitter.com/_AlanaKing_ Soldier Boy image from Variety. Fly video belongs to me.

Master Lists: Dean Winchester // Main // Made Up Fic Titles

“Help me understand,” you implore.

The first domino to set off the chain reaction was in the form of a famous and beautiful actress, Mae Nova, sliding into Jensen’s DM’s—a very detailed offer with an accompanying photo that you saw by no fault of your own. How is irrelevant. Why is the issue. Why didn’t he delete it or immediately set her straight?

“You’re the one that wanted this, Jay,” you say when he remains silent. “You're the one who pursued me, convinced me we should try and turn the ten years of friendship into something more.”

“I know.” He sighs, pushing a hand through his longer hair. “And I don’t regret a second of the last six months we’ve been together…” he doesn’t say it; however, the ‘but’ demands attention like a flickering light.

“But you're having second thoughts?”

“No!” he denies vehemently, finally looking you in the eye. “Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“Well, one of us has to!”

He shakes his head, exhaling loudly. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, sounding like a broken record. His heart rate is running high, and his chest heaves with every breath, but his vocabulary appears to be running low.

You tsk, fighting back a scathing comment about needing a script writer to make him talk. But it wouldn’t be fair. He’s not a man who runs from his emotions. He’s just trying to make sense of it all like you are. You have to remind yourself he’s not Dean Winchester. He doesn’t look much like him anymore either; longer hair, beard growing almost wildly, no plaid in sight in the Soldier Boy wardrobe at the back of the fancy trailer.

Is that where the lines blurred? Working together for so long on Supernatural, have you both confused the other for your characters and their feelings toward the other?

“You can stop saying your sorry. I forgive you,” you say, and he turns a watery gaze your way. It almost breaks your resolve, but you realize it’s down to you to be the strong one. “I just need to understand why? Why didn’t you reply and tell her you're in a relationship? You’ve done it a hundred times before.”

“I don’t know.”

To make matters worse, Mae had landed a role on The Boys and would be working alongside Jensen.

“Jensen, you spent fifteen years of your life devoted to Supernatural, ten of those with me around. I think you were scared of the end, afraid of losing such a big part of yourself.”

“I was,” he agrees, in a whisper as if you speaking the words is the reason for his realization of it being the truth.

“Maybe us being together was a knee-jerk reaction?” you suggest, “a way to cling onto the past.” You take a deep breath, and your chest tightens as if begging yourself not to say the next part. “Maybe you need a clean break, see what the world looks like without Supernatural… without me.”

“What? No.” He looks offended but can’t hold eye contact and doesn’t offer anything further.

You can’t keep going around in circles, so you make a decision, sitting down at the small table and firing up your laptop.

“What’re you doing?” he asks, rushing to look over your shoulder, perhaps worried you’ll take it upon yourself to reply to the woman. “Searching for flights back home?” Jensen says, panic clear in his tone. Harshly he slams the laptop shut, and you look up at him. “You can’t leave.”

“Give me a reason to stay.”

“Me, us!” he yells, “we can work this out.”

You stand up and gently press your lips to his. Jensen’s hand automatically goes to the small of your back, guiding you around the chair to better press himself against you.

The kiss is natural and unhurried, but there’s too much tension in his body, and you know it’s because he feels it, too. This is your last kiss.

A little breathless, you pull back. “I don’t wanna fight, Jensen.”

“Me neither.”

“So let me be the bad guy,” you say, heart aching but trying to hold it together. “Let me walk away before the wound is too big to save our friendship.”

He grimaces as if tasting something bitter but nods once, “I’m sorry.”

It’s been a long day. All Jensen wanted to do was take a shower and crash, but Karl convinced him to go for dinner with the cast and crew.

The conversation is light, everyone enjoying their food and making small talk. It’s nice enough, but it’s incomplete because you're not there.��

He wishes it was you beside him instead of Mae. The seating arrangements have no rhyme or reason. It just happened that way. But still, he almost resents that she’s the one next to him. So much has happened in the weeks since he last saw you. He wants to share it all with you, and wants to know how you are - if you’re struggling with his absence as much as he is with yours.

“Okay there, Ackles?” Jack asks, “You're a world away.”

“Yeah,” he lies, sitting up straighter and smiling. “Just thinking…”

Karl must know the look of a man missing his significant other because he asks, “About your girl?”

“Yeah,” Jensen admits, sighing heavily. He hasn't told anyone you broke up, and there’s been no speculation in the tabloids.

“Tell us about her. You never did tell us about your first date,” Jack says, “we all know you met on Supernatural, but not the story of your first date.”

Jack’s an awesome guy, sweet and kind, he doesn’t know the reminder is like a kick in the teeth, but Jensen obliges.

Jensen hurried across the lot, a coffee in each hand, the brown paper bag containing two cinnamon rolls dangling from his mouth. He was late, and Jared would give him shit for it, but it would be worth whatever Jared threw at him if it improved your morning.

Your latest Instagram post was a photo of a fly swimming in your coffee with the caption: “It was my last coffee pod. This just topped off a crappy weekend😭. #HappyMonday”. You were one hundred percent a coffee snob. You made it in a particular way using a fancy - and stupidly expensive - machine. You wouldn’t settle for the coffee on set. You’d rather go without. However, Jensen knew when you didn’t get her morning beverage, you’d be grumpy all day, and he hated to see you without a smile.

He headed for the makeup trailer, knowing that’s where you’d be. He kicked the bottom of the door gently as a way of knocking, then waited.

He didn’t expect Jared to be the one to open it. He wasn’t due in makeup for another half-hour, but his lanky frame filled the space of the open door. “Look who decided to show up,” Jared jeered playfully.

“Shut up,” Jensen mumbled around the bag, walking past him.

You were already there, looking through clothes on the rack, but stopped to smile at him. “Morning, Jay.”

“Here,” he said, handing over the coffee that was for you. “Hi, hey, morning.”

Confusion wrinkled your brow, but you took it. “Um, thanks.”

“I saw your Instagram, and I know how cranky you get without your coffee, and you said you had a shit weekend, so I wanted to try and make it better,” Jensen vomited words without thinking. “I don’t like seeing you upset, and you’ve been down a lot lately, and I just thought maybe this would help, some, a little, maybe.” Breathlessly he shrugged and prayed the floor would open up and swallow him.

Your smile beamed, and you lifted the cup to your nose, inhaling the aroma, and hummed contentedly, “Mmm. You even got my order right,” you said and stepped closer to him to place a kiss on his cheek.

“That’s cause you're always posting about it on social media,” quipped Jared.

You tutted, rolling your eyes at your co-star but kept your eyes locked on Jensen. Dropping back down from your tiptoes, you said, “Thank you for this. It means a lot that you thought of me.”

“It’s nothing,” he lied. It was everything, and as your kiss dried on his cheek, it reminded him of your evening plans. “I know you’ve got a long day ahead, especially with your date later.”

As part of a charity event, you had agreed that they auction off a date with you. The auction had been silent, so you had no idea who had hired you for the night. Though the studio had assured you they had vetted the winner, you’d asked that he and Jared be in the bar next door in case of emergency.

“Oh god,” you groaned, “don’t remind me. I wish I never agreed to that stupid silent auction.”

“Ah, don’t be such a downer,” Jared said, winking. “You never know. He might be the man of your dreams.”

Oh god, I hope not. Jensen thought. He’d already had to watch you be in a relationship with Chad, a man who neither deserved you nor treated you well. He couldn’t bear to watch you be with someone else again. He wanted to be next in line, and he would treat you as you should be, like a Queen. He just needed to work up the courage to tell you.

“I doubt it,” you sighed, and Jensen swore your eyes flicked to him and away again. “Besides, who said it’s a man who hired me?”

“C’mon, you two,” Zara, the makeup artist, said, waving them toward the door, “out! I’ve got to get this one ready.”

Amongst a chorus of goodbyes, Jared and Jensen left. “What is it with you when you’re around her?” Jared asked as soon as the trailer door was closed. “You’re a bumbling idiot, and she’s starting to notice.”

“What?”

“Yeah, she asked me what’s wrong with you. Thinks she’s done something wrong ‘cause you either avoid her or barely speak to her.”

“I know, man,” Jensen groaned, scrubbing a hand down his face. “Ever since you put it out there that we could be more than friends, I can't stop thinking about it. I don’t want to blurt it out at the wrong time, so I try to be careful about what I say, but I just end up tripping over myself.”

Jared clapped him on the back, “You just need to fake some of that Dean Winchester confidence.”

“Maybe.”

“You better find a way to be around her ‘cause you’ve got a date with her tonight.”

“What?”

“The silent auction,” Jared explained, “I paid for the date with her for you.”

“Jared, what? No!”

“I think Gen will have an issue if I show up for a date with her, and are you really going to leave her sitting on her own?”

“No, but Jared, I can’t,” Jensen panicked, “I’m going to make a fool of myself.”

“You’re an actor. Just act normal.” Jared suggested before walking off.

Seeing you through the restaurant window, Jensen wanted to hug Jared so tight to thank him he’d crack a rib. But he also wanted to punch him so damn hard in the arm it’d be limp for a week. Why had he agreed to this? Okay, he hadn’t agreed. He’d totally freaked out, drank two beers, took three shots of whiskey, and then forced himself into the waiting car.

He was going to mess this up. He knew it. He was a fumbling, mumbling idiot around you, and dread settled firmly in his gut as he watched you scanning the menu. He regretted the whiskey and allowing Jared to talk him into this.

He swore he was having an out-of-body experience as his feet took him closer to you. You glanced up when he got to the side of the table, and your face glowed with a smile. “Come to check in on me?” you asked, rising and pulling him into a hug.

He held you a little tighter than he usually would, savoring the moment before releasing you and taking a seat. “Not exactly checking up on you,” he said, “this wasn’t my idea, but Jared brought you for me.”

“What?”

“The silent auction, Jared was the highest bidder.”

Confusion took over your features. “Why would he do that? I mean not that I’m not grateful, I’d much rather be here with you, but I don’t understand.”

He realized it was now or never. “‘Cause he knows how I feel about you,” he admits, holding his breath for a reaction.

“Care to elaborate?” you ask after a long silence.

“The truth is, I like you... a lot.”

“I like you too.”

“No,” he shook his head, “you don’t get it. I cherish our friendship and don’t want to lose it, but it's more than that. My feelings for you go beyond friendship, and I want to see if we could be more.”

“I was so nervous,” Jensen chuckles. “I felt like I was auditioning for the rest of my life.” he contemplates it for a moment, “maybe I was.”

“Well then, it’s good she reciprocated,” Karl laughs.

“It took her a minute,” Jensen remembers, “but yeah, she came around.”

Your phone rings as you slot the key into your door’s lock. You’re juggling coffee, a pile of scripts to read, dry cleaning, and a bag of groceries. You have no hope of answering without dropping everything, so leave it to ring. You assume it’s Jared checking in on you after seeing the photos on TMZ. Jensen and Mae were pictured at a restaurant in Ontario.

The phone stops as you enter the kitchen and set everything down on the countertop.

Gen had already checked in to make sure you were okay, and you’d been anticipating a call from Jared to yet again invite you out to the set of Walker to meet one of the crew he was insistent you’d “hit it off with.” You’d politely declined, having already been on a date that had been pleasant and ended with a goodnight kiss, but you’d told the Padalecki’s it had left you feeling guilty as if you were cheating on Jensen. You needed time to let that feeling pass and allow the wound to heal completely.

You set about emptying the bags of groceries, and your phone rings again. You shuffle the contents of your bag, looking for the device, sure that it will cut off to voicemail before you find it.

“Hello,” you answer, pressing it to your ear.

“Hey.”

Jensen’s voice freezes you to the floor, and you hold your breath. It’s been more than a month since you left him in his trailer, and you’ve only exchanged a few text messages. Why is he calling now? Does he want to be the one to confirm that he and Mae are together?

He says your name when your silence stretches.

“Um, yeah. Hey, hi,” you say, clearing your throat to rid yourself of the shock.

“You sound out of breath,” he notes, “is this a bad time?”

“No, no, I just wasn’t expecting it to be you,” you explain, “caught me off guard.”

“Who were you expecting?” he asks, sounding accusatory.

“Jared,” you sneer, unable to stop the ire you feel.

“Sorry,” he says, and the apology tightens your jaw with the frustration it evokes. “I should have called sooner.”

“I haven’t called you either.”

No one is to blame for the lack of communication. You both needed some space, so you were both right not to call.

Neither of you speaks for a moment, and you debate whether to tell him you're busy so you can end the call and be done with the awkwardness. But he obviously put his awkwardness aside to call, so you might as well rip the stitches out and reopen the wound if that's what this is about.

“Why are you calling now?”

“I need you to know that me and Mae aren’t together,” he says, firm and direct.

You try to interrupt, “Jensen, it’s fine.” but he determinedly continues.

“The picture they posted was cropped,” he explains. “The whole cast and some of the crew were there. The photo made it look like it was just the two of us, and that’s not the truth.”

“Even if it was, it’s okay.” It’s not okay, and from the moment you saw it, you’ve felt nauseous. Still, you assure him, “You’re free to do what you want. You don’t owe me an explanation.”

He sighs, and you can hear the scowl in his tone, “It’s important to me that you know.”

You think it’s sweet that he’s taking the time to explain himself, even if it’s not what you expected. But Mae was never the problem. The situation she presented only shone a light into the crack that you had both been ignoring. Yet the information that Jensen has shared is a welcomed relief in the wake of the storm, but it’s just the eye. More questions are coming, questions that will likely only cause more hurt and confusion.

“Why?” you ask, “why do you want me to know?”

“Because I wanted it to be you next to me…” he pauses.

You're not sure if he wants you to say something or read between the lines, but you can’t let yourself trust the spark of hope that jabs your heart like a pinprick.

“Even if we’re just friends,” he adds.

That pinprick pierces the thin shell you’d managed to build, and it feels like a thousand jagged pieces of glass lacerate your heart, and you chew your top lip to stop the emotion from escaping in a sob.

There’s a loud bang on his end of the line, and someone calls out, “We’re ready on set, Mr. Ackles.”

“I gotta go,” he says.

“Okay,” you say, and immaturely add, “Bye, buddy,” before hanging up.

The party has been a monumental success. You helped Gen, along with a professional party planner, to pull it off.

“So you really had no idea?” You ask Jared once everyone seems to have greeted him and wished him a very happy fortieth birthday. Technically it's not his birthday for another four hours, but the surprise party had needed that early element to make sure it went off without a hitch.

“None,” Jared says, smiling. “I was fully prepared to fly home tomorrow to spend my birthday with Gen and the kids. I was looking forward to it, actually. I didn’t want a big fuss,” he chuckles, looking around the room, “but I’m glad you helped Gen make a fuss. It’s nice to see all the old faces.”

“Not all of them,” you note sourly, commenting on Jensen’s absence. “He wanted to be here, but you know how tight filming schedules can be.”

“I know,” he nods with a tight, sad smile. “It would have been good to see him. For me, at least.”

“Don’t.”

“It’s my birthday. I’m allowed,” he teases.

“It would have been nice to see him,” you agree before Jared can start in on the lecture. “I think. I don’t know. It’s weird and painful, and maybe I'm better off not seeing him until it’s not weird and painful.”

He laughs, pulling you into a hug. “Sounds like you have it all under control.”

“Absolutely.”

You mingle with old friends from Supernatural and new friends from the Walker set. The crew member, a camera operator named Vince, is as cute as Jared promised him to be, and you find yourself tucked in a corner talking with him as the night continues.

You hear the cheerful reunion before you see it. People applaud and shout greetings as Jensen crosses the room and embraces Jared in a tight hug. They hug for a long time, whispered words exchanged between brothers, and you see Jared’s eyes tear up. His night is complete now that Jensen is here.

A few people greet Jensen with hugs and shakes of his hand, but his eyes never seem to focus on them. He distractedly looks around them and seems disappointed when he sees the next person waiting to greet him.

You mostly manage to keep your focus on Vince, but you can see Jensen in your peripheral. You don’t react, but you notice when he finds you. He stares for a long moment, maybe hoping you’ll feel his eyes on you and look at him, but you don’t, and he doesn’t approach.

You're doing nothing wrong, but an uneasiness sneaks up on you. It’s not that you feel like you're somehow betraying Jensen. It’s that you're betraying yourself by denying how you feel. It wouldn’t be fair to start anything with anyone new right now. They’d be a rebound.

Vince seems to notice your focus has shifted and politely parts ways with you.

You spy Jensen across the room, catching up with Brianna, and head for the bar, needing something more potent than wine to make it through the rest of the night.

If possible, Jensen seems to have grown broader, arm muscles bulky beneath the material of his shirt, and you're definitely a fan of the Soldier Boy look. He looks good with a now-trimmed beard and long hair. The sight sends an ache of loneliness through your chest, remembering how it felt to be wrapped in those arms.

A shot turns into two, and when the bartender steps away to refill your wine glass, you feel the air next to you shift. You don’t have to turn to see who it is, the cologne gives him away, and as it arrests your senses, he nudges his shoulder into yours. The familiar heat of his body makes your chest tighten. You so desperately want to turn and embrace him, but you know your fragile emotions would crumble under the weight.

“Whiskey, neat,” he tells the bartender, his voice deep and gruff. He turns his body towards you, one arm resting on the bar, and you sip your drink, silently wishing it was hard liquor again instead of wine.

“Hey,” he says when you don’t look at him.

“Hi,” you respond blandly.

“How are you? You look good.”

“So do you. Really. You look incredible,” you say, without actually looking him in the eyes.

“I hate having to do the diet and exercise thing, though,” he chuckles, “it was so much easier when all I had to do was wear flannel.”

You laugh, but it's bittersweet because everything was easier when he was wearing flannel. “How’s it all going? Stepping into the shoes of a new character?”

“Daunting, but fun.” Jensen talks, and you do all you can to listen and engage but can’t bring yourself to fully meet his eyes.

He says your name so delicately it feels like a caress that sends a shiver through you. You close your eyes and know what he’s asking before he pleads, “Please look at me.”

His eyes have always been mesmerizing, and you know if you gaze into them, the spell will be cast, and there will be no escaping him, even when he’s miles away again. He waits for a beat, but your eyes remain firmly shut, and he closes the space between you, demanding attention.

His exhale wafts through your hair. It’s too close because it's not close enough, and you feel the heartache rising in your chest.

“It was good to see you, Jensen,” you flash a smile in his general direction, picking up your glass.

“Wait,” he says, grabbing your wrist as you turn your back to him. “Don’t leave.”

You freeze in place and turn to look at his hand cuffing your wrist. Slowly you raise your gaze from his hold to his face, preparing yourself for the enchantment of his eyes, but his sad expression is downcast. His chest heaves with a deep breath before he finally looks at you, despondence turning to tentative hope.

“I know I should have said it back then, but I’m saying it now.” His voice is nearly a whisper beneath the muted conversation and ambient music, but it’s clear as a bell to your ears. “Please, don’t leave.”

You turn back to face him, and he takes two deep breaths before he finds the words.

“The last couple of months, I’ve been miserable without you.” He admits, “I’ve had to fight myself to eat, to work out, to do anything that didn’t involve staying in my trailer with a bottle of whiskey. I know that things are weird, but I realized my hesitance had nothing to do with the ending of Supernatural. Yes, I was scared. But I was scared of how easy it was with you, how much I cared for you, how quickly I realized that I am head over heels in love with you.”

You choke out his name as tears well in your eyes, and he steps forward to swipe the first droplet from your cheek.

“I was ready to tell you I’m in love with you, and you were booking flights home,” the heartache of the reminder dims the light behind his eyes, and he drops his gaze to battle whatever emotion he’s feeling. “That scared me more than anything. I didn’t want to say it in the heat of the moment or on the phone, and I was terrified you didn’t feel the same. It doesn’t matter if you don’t. I need you to know that I love you.”

You don’t have words, unexpectedly wishing you had a script so you don’t say something stupid. Then, just as surprisingly, you realize you don’t need words. You take a half step forward and kiss him. Jensen responds immediately, a hand caressing your cheek and drawing you closer as the other slips around your waist to tug you flush against him.

You tangle your fingers in his hair, and he groans into your mouth. His kiss gets you drunker than any alcohol ever could, and after a moment that could have been a minute or an hour, you feel lightheaded.

Jensen chases you as you pull back, placing swift kisses on your lips and pressing his head against yours.

“Damn, I’ve missed you,” you sigh.

“Well, don’t get used to it,” he says, “I’m never letting you leave me again.”

Tag List Info

Tagging Dean Winchester and Supernatural List. Sorry if you don't like RPF.

@alexxavicry / @b3autyfuldisast3r-blog / @deandreamernp / @deanwinchesterswitch / @fandom-princess-forevermore / @foxyjwls007 / @jc-winchester / @justagirlinafandomworld / @katbratsupernaturalwhore / @leigh70 / @letsbys-library / @lyarr24 / @mrswhozeewhatsis / @nancymcl / @shanimallina87 / @stoneyggirl2 / @waywardbaby / @wildbornsiren / @writercole / @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior / @deans-spinster-witchs-favorites

Master Lists: Dean Winchester // Main

#Jensen Ackles #Solider Boy #RPF #RPF FanFic #RPF fanfiction #Jensen Ackles fic #Jensen Ackles RPF fanfic #fluff #angst #dean winchester #spn #supernatural #Jensen Ackles x Reader #Jensen Ackles x You

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kaiowut99 · 8 months

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A Special Announcement~ | Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V Tag Force Special Re-Translation Project!

I've been itching to get around to posting about this for a few months now, but wanted to wait until I'd worked on enough for it, but also had the idea to create an announcement trailer to go with it for added good measure--after recording and editing clips for a couple weeks and leveling the audio last night, heremst we are! (For some clips, I forgot to turn off the PPSSPP emulator's DevMenu option so that shows up in the top-left, buuut I didn't feel like re-recording those, lmao.)

Details worth reading below the cut here, but tl;dr work has been in progress for over a year in between things, work will continue to be in progress for a while, and the release will happen when everything's ready, but stay tuned, fun's getting started etc etc~

So, I'm sure most of us are familiar with the as-yet-unlocalized-by-Konami TFSP, the seventh and last entry in the Tag Force series on the PSP that came out early in ARC-V's run (featuring the first five series which was a cool first), as well as the current translations out there originally worked on by the guys at XenoTranslations (omarrrio and ScrewTheRules/ClickClaxer01 at GBATemp handling the card and story/etc translations, respectively) and how there are... some issues with what's out there. Everything from the DM story mode being loaded with YGOTAS references (no shade to YGOTAS and much respect to LK/Martin for his ongoing work on it still making me laugh sometimes, ofc) to the off-the-cuff edginess of 2014-2015-era internet culture and the problematic (in some cases, derogatory) language that permeated it--though to its credit, some parts do have some level of translation attempted, but taken as a whole, it can definitely turn people off from giving the game a try and seeing what it brings to the table (which is still a good amount despite the corners Konami cut here/there compared to prior TF games).

I actually did attempt a translation of my own back in 2015 (if you've been following me for a long time, you might remember it lol), tackling the GX story text starting with Judai's heart events, but eventually put it on the backburner as I focused more on my GX subbing work and beginning to finalize everything (which I'm still doing). Sometime in 2022, a friend over on NeoArkCradle (the "anonymous YGO fan" in the opening screen) was poring over the story text and patching it up the best he could to remove the references and inaccuracies with more coherent work, and after a while of seeing what he was working with in the Discord, I was a bit blown away by just how inaccurate much of it was--so alongside him, and using the better tools available since then (including some really awesome work from both nzxth2 [who did a proper re-translation of 5D's TF6 not too long ago and was kind enough to release his tools for it] and our coding helper Xan1242 who we eventually reached out to for some help), I decided to *cracks knuckles* get involved and help give everything a more accurate and professional translation, much like I do with my GX subs, working directly off the Japanese text and files. I've been taking cracks at everything in between the GX episodes I've been finalizing going back to at least last January (and I'd used my little hiatus after finalizing GX Season 2's subs to really get at some other stuff throughout the game), starting with re-translating DM's story text but also properly translating other aspects of the game, from the character names (using the original Japanese names, including those of the TF-exclusive characters, partly since Konami made a whole mess of them in English TF1-5), in-duel dialogue, pack descriptions, and more to images with Japanese text (such as localizing the in-duel cut-in onomatopoeia as you see in the video above, or other little images throughout) using some Photoshop skills I've picked up. And it's been a joint effort, as said NAC friend and I have been bouncing off how we'd like to see this go between us to stay on the same page and all, while also checking with other translators there for second/third opinions as needed.

Our plan is to release two versions of a translation--one which uses the OCG [translated] card names in Story Mode, in-duel, and other text but not in the game's card system (mainly to deal with story-relevant notes like Osiris vs Slifer with the Gods or things like not-Utopia Hope being symbolic between Yuma and Astral, akin to how I do my GX subs), and one which uses the TCG card names in everything (like how the official subs go about it). While we're mostly working with the Japanese game files due to how the Xeno team went about decoding everything, we'll be using the card-system-related files from the fixed ISO provided by FLSGaming which fixed some issues that had been present there. And Xan has helped us with a plugin that will be used to apply our translations to the system files that were hard to edit otherwise (things like the character and recipe names, as well as the pack names pulled from for the Card Description screen), but more on how that'll work once this is ready for release, lol. At some point, I'd like to also look at HDifying textures and things, but that's definitely a bonus-level thing for after the main work here is done.

SO.

Currently, Story-Mode-wise, I've gone through everything up to Yusei's events--so Dark Yugi/Kaiba/Jounouchi/Ishizu/Mai in DM, Judai/Manjoume/Asuka/Misawa/Ryou in GX, and Yusei in 5D's have been fully retranslated, though I took initial cracks at Yuma and Yuya's events to get content for this video lol (I've also been intentionally holding off on as much ZEXAL as I can until I've properly watched the whole show so I have context). I haven't tackled overworld text yet, though (like pre-duel or the tournament-related text, which is all in the same file as all the story text). I've also been handling the in-duel dialogue as I go through the character stories, so also just up to Yusei, though I did take initial cracks at Aki's, Yuma and Shark's, and Yuya and Yuzu's for the video.

Other things tackled that were sprinkled into the video, along with some other notes:

Pack names and descriptions have been retranslated, though the descriptions may see minor edits closer to release for a little variety between worlds given the different characters at the shop. Character recipe names were also retranslated, with Yugipedia's translations for them used as an occasional second opinion, though ones based on pack names had to be abbreviated in spots.

Menu text, from the Options to Help screens and stuff in between, has been retranslated, as have in-duel text strings (so, you'll see a full "Activate Effect" instead of "Activate" or "Switch to Attack/Defense Position" instead of "Switch to ATK/DEF Position", etc--also fixed the "BATTELE PHASE" graphic typo, and NAC friend created a new translation for the "Turn Change" graphic for accuracy since ENG TF1-5 made that into "Next Player's Turn").

Database stuff, such as the Sound Test, Tutorials, Duel Missions, etc., have been retranslated closer to the Japanese text; originally I retranslated the Tutorial text via hex editor, with compromises done on quite a bit of it due to the space limits, but as Xan recently updated a text extractor tool of theirs to more cleanly pull out and reinsert that text, I've been going through and fleshing out those translations more (on my commutes to/from work mostly, to be productive lol).

As mentioned, I've been localizing/translating Japanese-text images throughout the game as I come across them, like with the in-duel onomatopoeia that come up during cut-ins or images in the shop/duel/etc screens using Japanese text, to make sure the game is fully translated.

The series logos, used during the title sequence and in the Series Select screens, were updated with translated fan edits shared on Deviantart (which we'll credit in the final release) for DM and GX, while the 5D's-ARC-V logos were edited to enlarge the "Yu-Gi-Oh!" text on them that was pretty hard to see originally.

The game's original opening sequence starts on an anti-piracy message before going into the Konami logo and then a "From Yu-Gi-Oh!..." screen before the opening animation for each series logo--the original team decided to use the first image to vent their frustration at Konami for not localizing this game, and while that's valid (to some extent), we thought we'd use the opportunity to dedicate this project to Kazuki Takahashi for inspiring our love for YGO and the place it's had in our hearts for all these years.

We'll be updating the names of cards that had TCG releases after the original patch was worked on/updated by FLSG to those corresponding names.

Xan has been working on many UI fixes for us to apply with this, among them 3-line dialogue box text as is used in the ENG TF1-5 games--once implemented for TFSP, I'll be going over everything to make full use of that extra space where needed, so things might not look as they do in the video by then.

Character bios will be worked on after I've done the story stuff, though I've taken initial cracks at it for Yuma and Yuya's bios for the video, along with translating the location/affiliation names ("Domino High School," "Satellite," etc).

Currently no release date is planned, as I'm working on this between my GX-finalizing work and actual IRL work, though we'll see how later this year looks as more work gets done--but as noted in the video, all things being equal, it will be released when everything is ready. I'll try to post regular updates or rambles now that this announcement's been made, lol, but do try not to constantly check in on a release date. 🙏🏽

All that said, I think that covers just about everything I wanted to put out there with this, lol. It's been fun to work on this so far and getting to see what I've re-translated in-game is definitely neat; looking forward to us being able to release everything when ready.

Stay tuned for more; the fun's just getting started!

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atiyasnake · 17 days

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Fantasy High: Sophomore year

Alright, I I know I'm def late to the game but last night I just finished the last episode of Sophmore year and oh my fucking God.

Saint Kristen Fuckin Applebees, Brennan's reaction to when they rolled a fucking Nat 20 and just basically being like, yeah let me reshape this new powerful divinity and call them Cassandra (I really love the name and description of this divinity omg). Like dude, it was fucking iconic

Riz is so fucking cool AFTER FUCKING DYING, I was freaking out this last episode. There were so many times when the whole party could have gotten killed. I was so worried that we would lose one of the npcs that I have come to really love.

Like Figs Dad, Ragh. Ayda, Tracker, the Hangman, the Hangvan etc, I've gotten attached to them. They are all such distinctive characters that I really want them to survive.

Gorgug, you truly are one of the greatest wizards. Like I know his character has low intelligence but he brought so many pieces together. He reminded the party of such important details that would have gone unnoticed by him. And he DOES IT SO WELL. I think he might be my favorite character. He cares so much about his friends and tries so hard in his own way and I think it's beautiful.

Fabian with the sheet. I really love how his character has went from punching Gorgug in the face to 'let me reach out with all that I can to catch my friend, The Ball and swandle him like a dam baby with my fire elemental elven sheet'. Like that's beautiful

Adaine joining the club of killing your Dad, iconic. HER AND JAWBONE BEING A FATHER DAUGHTER DUO, IM CRYING. I'm so happy that she gets the support. That she has made a new friend in Adya and they are so supportive for each other. Like she's still an anxious person but she's honest and so supportive if her friends so intelligent and BADASS, love she got Adaine's Furious Fists.

Fig, saved her fucking dad with her new Girlfriend!!! fucking revived Riz with a sickass baseline. Her use of illusions in this Nightmare King Forest was so freaking creative and I loved seeing everyone else's reactions to it.

Brennan, dude, was so cool at describing the setting and actions of the characters and bringing them to life. I'm a reader at heart, but I had no issue with listening to any of the players and DM and actually being able to see the story play out in my mind like when I read. It was so fun to hear their voices, seeing their facial reactions. REAL TEARS WERE BROUGHT TO MY EYES. I CACKLED AT the turn of visceral fear to 'shit in my mouth' of Chugledown Bim.

I just really enjoyed it, I'm so happy to have been able to watch it all and I'm excited about seeing how Junior year went too.

#fantasy high #dnd20 #The Bad Kids #Fantasy High:Sophmore year #Spring Break! I believe in you!#fig faeth #ayda aguefort #riz gukgak #gorgug thistlespring #gilear #fabian seacaster #kristen applebees #adaine abernant

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blindedguilt · 5 months

Note

Omg there's gonna be a Leonard visual novel? Ahhh please link this id love to support it!

Also you have an alt account with Leonard art 👀👀👀👀

//No idea if that bit at the end is a solid "i know what you are" or a "this you?" bit but just in case, i do!! i will refrain from posting it here (For privacy, though when you find it you should be able to clock it like "THIS IS THE BITCH" immediately anyways lol) if you would like it i can give it to you through DMs (unfortunately tumblr doesnt allow private answering to anon asks :( if i could i would...) but please dont feel pressured at all to come out!!! i enjoy chatting with you, anon *pats*

//But to answer your question, yes!! Technically it's already out though its currently only available in Japanese. I will say I have spoken with the writer though, and I'm very happy to say they've expressed interest in helping me make an English patch :3<! Once I'm done with playing the game for myself (I'm about halfway at the moment, I think? ;0) I'll hopefully start work. I've been playing with a friend and already have a few scenes (roughly, more or less) translated.

//Anyways, I'll put the links to both the trial and full version at the end of the post so they're easier to find vs. just sandwiching between my rambles about the VN!! because BOY is it good, this was made for leonard fans BY leonard fans and its SHOWS AAAAAAAAAA

//More under the cut~ (I'll be rambling about this for a w h i l e)

So the game is called Onaplus, and lemme just post my TL of its official Booth description for you before i try summing it up myself:

Play Time: About 5 hours Routes: 2 Endings: 4~5 Stills: None This is a visual novel game where you can - or can not - enjoy a "Psuedo-Romance" with various versions of Leonard from before he formed his pact, DOD1, DOD2, and LoV. The game is mostly linear; only a few choices on your path outside of the 4~5 different endings. You are the protagonist, a woman who travels through four different "Times" with Seere at your side. You can enjoy the story as it's nature changes between two vastly different routes; choose to spend a sweet and heartfelt time with Leonard, or take part in a good measure of slapstick comedy instead. Includes a number headcanoned details, otakuisms, and out-of-character gags. A game for those who believe no man is beyond forgiveness...

That's pretty much it!! I dunno how much I'll spoil by saying it, but it was NOT KIDDING when it said the main two routes (The more serious N-Route, standing for "Not Shotacon Route" and the gag S-Route, standing for "Shotacon Jerking Off in the Backwoods Route") were different.

I'll keep what I know limited, but I've completely finished the S-Route (much to my dismay, IT WAS SO GOOODDDD I DIDNT WANT IT TO END) and have JUST started the N-Route, so I'm looking forward to what's in store!! I dunno what the "5" stands for though in five endings, unless the N-Route has one I'm unaware of... 👀 but a quick breakdown

Where the N-Route is a very genuine, heartfelt ""Love letter"" to Leonard from his fans being like "We care about you!!! youre such a lovable guy!!!! please take care of yourself!!!!" and essentially plays as an "I can fix him" game, the gag "S-Route" ramps Leonard's "Shotaconness" up to an ABSURD degree to the point one or two scenes were complete "had me completely red in the face, unable to look at the screen"-level wreckage. one scene in particular around the DOD2 mark also made my heart DROP but im not saying what happened or what it is :)))) S-Route Ending A was also extremely difficult to TL because i had to search a few things up and do........ research............ to find suitable english-audience alternatives. it had me GAGGED ngl, but i would never do it again........... i'm turning red just thinking about it now dsjfhkshvwkslahsdfhj (the endings are so good though, and there was ANOTHER thing in Ending A that had me "!!!!!!! yippee!!!!!!" but that's another story.)

I've only finished the endings of the S-Route right now, but some of them were surprisingly (And welcomingly so!) heartfelt for what was 96% a gag route :0!

AND THEN THE PROTAGONISTSSSSSS okay so i was NOT expecting a little "heehee, we made leonard psuedo-dating sim" VN TO HAVE PROTAGONISTS THAT ARE LITERALLY LIKE A HYPERFIXATION FOR ME RIGHT NOW????? trust me when i say these are NOT typical "blank-slate-self-insert" protags their characterisation is so strong and entertaining i was HEARTBROKEN finishing the s-route because it meant saying goodbye to its protagonist more than anything, i literally have made ship fanart of them together i ADORE them so much and i need them in my life...... lately ive thinking about hdcing names for them i love them....

N-MC is so SWEEEEEEEETTT she's a lot more "Expectable" for a "Romantic" visual novel (At least for now... who knows, she might be hiding a dark secret of some kind though im like... more than half sure she's innocent? RIGHT????) and is just a little sweetheart whose dedicated her life to helping others as her parents always wished!!!! she has a ✨tragic anime backstory✨ and for leonard fans is THE embodiment of looking at this sad sack of shit and being like "Oh my god, he's so miserable, i just want him to be happy :((( i can fix him......." her relationship with seere is so SWEETTTT too it makes me melt, she's the one he NEEDS and im just aakshskhsdkvhsdkfh...... though honestly even if its 9/10 unintentional listening to the way she talks about seere sometimes has me like "hmmMMMMMM..... perhaps youre more of a shotacon than s-mc........" ("ara ara, seere-kun~" has become my new tagline for her, i admit..... you seem a bit too taken with him buddy...)

BUT THEN S-MC, I ADORE HERRRRRRRR me and a bud have been playing it together and their design for her has become like the unofficial one i literally use/WILL use no other for my own doodles and that is a FACT. how do i explain her... the game calls her "Caim-like", basically, but that's not enough. you see, S-MC is an over-exploited, sleep-deprived, brash, violent, porn-addicted shotacon (+possible femcel) otaku who's main goal in life is to find a decent person to get married to and whose only reason for living is to keep indulging in her PG (and not PG) fiction. she's more than eager to beat the shit out of anyone at the first opportunity (which she does) and wax poetic about her favourite games (which she does) and UNLIKE """N-MC oneesan""" and their (Unintentional) far-too-friendly comments towards seere S-MC spends makes it her GOAL to ensure nothing happens to the kid despite her annoyance with him, who is far too innocent for his own good dsfkvjhsfdkhvsdfj

The VN is written by the very talented Pixiv fanfic writer Kyon, whose works I would VERY much recommend checking out if you can read Japanese and are a fan of Leonard (They are my GO-TO for Leonard content, just talking with them was such an honour i was like "uUUWAUAaaaAUUGHhhHHhgaaghgH" they do his characterisation so good and they understand the tragedy and facets of what makes him compelling so well and im just UGHHHHHHH THEYRE SO GOOD ANON YOU ARE IN GOOD HANDS WITH THEM WRITING THIS, CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!!!!)

Interestingly enough, they did write a whole fucking novel on Leonard's past and life leading up Ending D and do reference part of that in this VN!! Albeit not heavily, though reading the preview on Pixiv I saw it was like "AYYYYYE" so I would recommend it if you can read it ;0 i hope to buy the full thing soon....

Also, I was actually skeptical of this going into it but Kyon is SO good with their writing they did write a Faerie x Leonard Modern AU smut fic I'm now also hoping to get the full version of well... do you know how good something has to be for me not ONLY to spend money on it, but to go from SKEPTICAL "this isn't my thing and i dunno why i'm even reading it" to "I need to read the rest of this NOW GET HIS ASS" i truly marvel at their talent and im so happy at the chance to work with them im.............

The illustrations were done by the also VERY popular Suiden, who you might recognise if you spend any time on Leonard's Pixiv tag in general!!! I admit, I kind of expected more as far as the quality of their contributions to the VN were concerned, but honestly, the character sprites are so charming in their own little VN way (Leonard's DOD2 sprite i ADORE) and i was so excited to see both recognisable artists i adore in there, I don't really have any major complaints so far outside the fact i sincerely wish there was a 1.3 leonard....... ONAPLUS 2 LETS MAKE IT HAPPEN‼️💥👏👏

Oh, and I also learned a LOT about LoV and its system through this game (and how much injustice they did leonard in the sequel, jesus fuck...) which was apparently all thanks to Haruoka's help advising everyone on the LoV bits (Though whether that stands for just gameplay or actual lore, i have no idea.... yet)!! You may also recognise some of the nice Leonard art they have on their Pixiv if you've dug through the tag as deep as I have lmao

it could happen

... Anyways, that SHOULD be enough rambling from me!! If you have anymore questions, do lemme know because this VN is my LIFE right now all I can ever think about is playing it and I'm literally going to be so sad when it's time to put it up......

If you think you'd like to check it out for yourself, please do check out the trial version!! You can get it free on Kyon's Booth and I think you SHOULD be able to just G-Translate your way through the N-Route with minimal confusion just based off of how clear I remember it, and the S-Route should be roughly understandable as well but uses a LOT more slang and "catechisms" with its spelling than N-Route, so you might have a couple more difficulties translating it if you use a machine.

The full version is a psychical disc copy that sells for 500 JPY (3.24 USD/3.05 EUR, i believe) and you CAN buy it through a proxy site like Buyee like I did!! Ofc that will include packing and shipping costs, so you might actually expect it to come up to around 20 USD as it did for me :,) perhaps the real pain though comes in how long you have to wait for it to actually arrive (just under a month for me)

But if you're a Leonard fan? Speaking as the self-proclaimed head of the church of ona, it is so worth it. ive never been so utterly enamoured and in love with a game, its kinda starting to concern me...

Either way!! It will still be a while till an English patch comes out since I've been very busy with work and unable to play it :(

I recommend you try it for yourself!!!

And please do refrain from posting screenshots of the game if you decide to play it (at request of the creators), you can quote it but if it's on a public platform like Tumblr or Twitter or anywhere outside of DMs, please no screenshots!!

Here's a link to the trial version (Free)

And if you like that enough...

Here's the full version!! (500 JPY)

...If you can, please give this your full support!! I very much don't think you'll be disappointed, especially as a Leonard fan~

As far as the English patch goes, I dunno how much I should share out of respect for the creators at the time other than

i plan to start working on it

But I am DETERMINED to finish this translation, i dunno how it might even be spread (Whether it will just stay a small-scale thing spread through the wings of tumblr dms or also posted on the authors booth) but either way!!!

This will be my first time working on a videogame, and if I'm allowed to say this in confidence, I'm 100% certain this will be my best translation yet. :3 perhaps better than even magnitude negative, im REALLY liking the way this is looking right now, even by the rough drafts.... i really only give my all for leonard i've realised, but that's not an issue for me <3

Anyways, anon, if you ever play it please do send some thoughts about it if you're willing (To either blog~)!!! and any questions, please ask!!! i'm so excited to see more people talking about this, thank you anon!!!!

#||reply||:anonymous #{/its so late.... i would ramble more in the tags but im too tired...}#{/onaplus is the most worthwhile purchase ive made in recent memory though; s-mc was right... this is why i stay living.....}#{/i also ate fried shrimp today}

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munchkin1156 · 1 year

Note

Any G/T OCs?

Thank you anon, for this chance to finally infodump about my g/t ocs! Just a fair warning, this miiight get long, we’ll see! (I have a lot of em.. So the short answer to your question, yes I do. The long ones under the cut…)

First off, we have my sona, Munchkin :D

(It’s a rather messy sketch, sorry about that)

Munchkin’s a sizeshifting borrower from the sacred realm, destined to try hard and fail.

She’s gotten backstabbed and killed too many times to count, the only thing keeping her alive is Amble, Red, and the group of friends she made as a person wearing a sparkly box from the silent realm.

✨anon✨’s design is interesting, because she’s still mostly herself, with her tail and personality, whereas most people would get consumed, considering it’s a pretty strong mask… huh, strange.

(Just to be clear, I’m not covering all my oc’s, just a few of them, because I’d rather not have over ten thousand words on this post accidentally)

We have Charlie and Adre, from UCD, links to chapter one and two here and here (it’s earlier on in my writing phase, so I’m warning you they aren’t very good, also it’s mainly been Charlie, with only a slight mention of Adre but oh well-)

Let’s have a spoiler for chapter three, shall we?

(A big thank you to my sister @huggablecat for editing this, she’s not a bot I swear- I’m horrible at digital art so thanks to her for taking the sketch and doing something amazing with it… she’s not ever going to see this but oh well-)

Charlie is a Dreamer, which is a small avian race that hates humans for burning the Astrodaryn forest and attempting to destroy all magic, forcing them to flee to the sky. The seeds they have hanging around their neck are from the forest, it’s where their magic comes from.

The goal is to get rid of the humans, and replant the forest. Read the first two chapters for more information.

Meanwhile…

Adre is a human that is called cursed due to his eyes. His pitch black eyes with white pupils, so therefore a lot of people assume he’s magic/dangerous and he gets outcasted.

I don’t want to say too much about him, I want to keep him a surprise for the most part, but let’s just say he finds a small bird person and the authorities aren’t very happy about that…

I have more ocs for this story, but they have not appeared yet/I haven’t made drawings of them/I don’t feel like looking for drawings rn :D

MOVING ON-

Vampire person? For a fake fic title that’s so old Becky probably forgot they gave it to me? Don’t mind if I do~

This is Jamie. They’re sick of being a vampire, sick of living forever, sick of having no one to care about. Aaaaand then they meet a group of friends that will change that forever.

It’s like, small vampire appears on YouTube, group of friends find them there, make videos together, while hiding the fact that they are small + a vampire, and as they grow more and more attached, the fear only grows…

Now, I’m getting tired and I have homework to do (WHYYYYYYYY) and things to memorise for tomorrows test, which is absolutely amazing, but it means I can’t make more detailed descriptions, so I’m just gonna dump a bunch of art, please ask questions about them if you want!

Anyways, let’s get started….

(That one’s not an oc, it’s for the dystopian au but I figured I might as well put it here)

Aaaand that’s all I can find! (For now)

Hope you like these anon, and uh… for the people that I’ve made digital art for/going to make digital art for, if it seems significantly worse, it’s cause I suck at digital art.

I’m really really bad at it. Sorry.

Kindest regards, Munchkin.

(OH SHIT WAIT THE TAGLIST-)

@i-am-beckyu, @da3dm, @brick-a-doodle-do, @faeiyn-cant-write yooooo check this outtt

Oh wow the taglist is getting longer-

If you want to be tagged, just dm, comment, or ask me!

Gooooooodbye!

(that’s supposed to sound like how grian says it, okay? OKAY?)

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tommstic · 1 year

Text

Being trans in the south

Hey all! I’ve finally accepted myself, and I think that now is a perfect time to share my story. This post will contain transphobic language, descriptions of dysphoria, and other possibly triggering things. I think it’s important to read just to get a look into the life of a trans kid in the south, but if it makes you uncomfortable, please skip if you need!

I live in the southern area of the USA. It’s not really a secret, I talk about my state and the whether pretty often so it’s not like I’m trying to hide who I am. Because of that, I feel comfortable sharing this story with some more personal details.

I live in South Carolina. The state is no stranger to anti-lgbtq+ corruption in the local government and in the citizens. SC is one of the states which has currently banned LGBTQ+ topics to be taught under the umbrella of sex ed. With this info, you can probably infer what life as an lgbtq+ teen is like in the dead centre of a red state.

I realised I was trans during late 2019 - early 2020 (my memory is fuzzy due to unrelated matters, so sorry if the timeline feels fuzzy sometimes). I decided to identify as bigender at the time. I only came out to my close friends, and that was after months of being scared they wouldn’t accept me. Of course, they accepted me, being lgbtq+ themselves.

Later on, somehow, word began to spread that I was trans and people at school began to ask me questions about it. It was scary. I remember being so anxious every time someone would come up and talk to me during that time because I was afraid they would harass, hurt, or judge me because of my identity. And naturally, whenever someone would ask, I would tell them I wasn’t trans and they’d heard wrong. It felt weird to act like I was “the victim of gossip” when in reality it was true. I was trans, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it.

Time passes, blah blah, unimportant nonsense. Nothing really significant to my identity happens, I still identified as bigender. I was trying to accept myself more by being more public with my identity. I wanted to believe that the south wasn’t as hateful as the media portrayed it, so I was public about my identity online and would tell people I was trans if they asked. My first instance of experiencing genuine transphobia was when I was banned from my friend’s house by their dad due to me being trans.

I felt so sick that night and I cried so so much- I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that my identity had gotten me banned from seeing them again. I felt like I was the problem.

Then I entered my freshman year. I started wearing pins on my ID because I wanted to try again. Plus, I assumed that if I was in a public space I’d be safe. I wasn’t entirely wrong, but in some instances it didn’t exactly work out.

There were certain classes where I took off my trans pin from my ID. Mostly classes overrun by country kids and openly trans/homophobic people. I would put the pin in a small pocket in my bag and wear my ID as normal.

One day I did the same as usual, putting my pin away, and I noticed this kid looking at me weird. We leave the classroom and when we come back to pack up I check my bag and the zipper is opened and the pin is gone. Now I’m not completely sure it was him, but someone stole my pin and I know it wasn’t out of jealousy. There was a sticky note with a shitty cross drawn onto it. Losing the pin sucked, especially considering the motive, but it was the least of my problems.

People from my school would occasionally send me DMs via Instagram telling me I need God and how I’m disgusting. I was even threatened a few times, which was sadly no surprise. I’ve always prided myself on not taking cyber bullying seriously when it’s aimed towards me. I don’t typically let it affect me. But when you’re already surrounded by an environment that seems to absolutely hate you, having your online spaces being invaded the same way hurts like hell.

During the same class I mentioned earlier, I was called slurs both to my face and behind my back. Two kids were talking saying that “the class had been ruined by the tr*nnies,” while nodding in my direction. Another kid had asked me straight up if I was a tr*nnie.

It was around this time that I felt like giving up on my identity. I still felt sick looking in the mirror and looking at my body. I still hated everything remotely feminine about myself. I still hated being a girl but I decided that it was just easier to suppress my identity and go back to being “normal.”

In other words, being told that Id never be a real man was the straw that broke the camels back.

I still mentioned being trans in passing when I was talking with my friends, but generally I kept it a secret. During this time, I began to feel even worse about myself. I considered suicide because I felt like I would never be a real man. I felt like I wouldn’t ever be able to free myself from this prison that I had built for myself by rejecting my identity. It was shitty and it felt awful. I kept holding on to any piece of femininity I could find in myself because of how much I started to hate the idea of being trans. I hated it so much I just wanted to stay “normal.”

I relapsed. The only other trans friend I had at the time was a fucking enabler who I should have cut off forever ago, so it just got worse. I started doing stupid shit that I can’t even say on here for my own safety. It was bad, it put me in danger, and it was disgusting.

I began to calm myself down after a few months of not thinking about it and I decided to wade back into the waters of my trans identity by identifying as genderless. I just thought “hey, if I don’t have a gender, then there’s no reason to feel dysphoria right? I’m just me.”

Yea well no surprises here, it didn’t work. Another year of suppressing my real identity and I still hadn’t learned anything. I suppressed my identity for 3, almost 4, years because I was so scared of who I really was. I suffered from so much internalised transphobia for the past years due to the environment I grew up in. It changed how I perceived myself for the worst, and in the end, it didn’t stop me from being trans.

I have VERY recently come to accept my identity. I’m a boy. I’m FtM and that’s okay!! I wanted so bad to be able to hang on to my cisgender identity that it made me feel miserable for years. Finally I can really say that I’m trans and proud. I feel like I actually fit my identity and I no longer feel like I’m faking anything. It feels so freeing-

However, now that I’ve finally let go of my internal transphobia, I still have to face that of the world around me. I’m anxious to be public about my identity, I’m anxious to even come out to my parents (AGAIN.) because of what they might think.

I know there’s people out there who’ve had it worse than me, and that scares me the most. To imagine that there’s people struggling with the same issues as I am but with genuine violence in their lives, it’s worrying. As a country and as a society we have to understand that our views on young lgbtq+ members is crucial to how they view themselves. We’re just kids, we shouldn’t have to “toughen up” because we’re being told to shoot ourselves. We shouldn’t be getting told all these terrible things in the first place.

It’s fucking awful and I don’t think people have a real understanding of how passive transphobia affects people in the real world. There are dead trans kids because of this. There are dead queer kids because of this. It’s not easy to be surrounded by hate no matter where you look. I was lucky enough to have my friends as a support but not every kid has that. We gotta fucking fix this, it’s hurting innocent kids who just want to figure themselves out.

This was longer than I expected,, I tried to keep everything very linear. This isn’t a sob story or whatever, I just want to raise awareness for kids in the south because what I experienced was honestly so mild compared to what some other people I know have gone through. If you made it to the end, that’s awesome because I would’ve gotten tired by now Hah- thank you so much for reading-

if you’re of legal age to vote PLEASE do research on who you’re voting for because our leaders, local or National, determine the future of this country.

#tommstic #transmasc #transgender #trans man #trans issues #trans inclusion #transisbeautiful #transphobes #pls spread awareness and share ur own stories if you’re also a trans southerner!!#lgbtqia #lgbtq #lgbtq rights #lgbtq community #gender dysphoria #tw dysphoria #tw sucidal ideation #tw selfhate #internalized queerphobia #trans

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zeynatura · 1 year

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My DND character missenterpreted by my friends

an essay by Zey

I'll start by giving a small sumary of my character.

His name is Helel ben Sahar, he's an eladrin elf, 120-150 years old, he/they, masc nonbinary, pansexual, tall, androgynous, long hair, long nails, loves to dress feminine and be fabulous.

He's a storm sorcerer, youngest prince of a Kingdom in the Feywild, his hair colour changes based on the season he's attuned in (this is one of my fav characteristics of all time), he's chaotic evil and the second dnd character i ever made, also the first one to have a detailed backstory and even family npcs with their own description.

(I love this family so much askfhbafin)

He's a very spoiled prince, very flirty and charismatic ofc the complete opposite of my party ie my friend's characters.

Under all that he's a lonely sheltered child who just wants to find his own place in life, you know, because he's the youngest (big sis and big bro) he aint gonna be the next heir and his parents just let him do his own thing, that's why he leaves in search of adventure.

Now to the missinterpretation by my friends.

They think of my sorcerer as a whore, even more so than how he actually is like... i don't mind you thinking that but at least get your facts straight (heh)

So across our campaign there were 3 npcs that caught the attention of Sahar, 2 of them were actually married to each other, it was a couple of two husbands one of them asked our party to save the other and that's how we met.

Ofc one of the first things i ask when meeting an npc is "are they cute tho?" and my DM friend loved answering that ok, so when we meet the first husband my sorcerer was like "for someone as cute as you i'll be willing to do it" but in the middle of the quest, my character was dying of exhaustion so he was like "the 2nd husband better be hot to be worth all this"... turns out he was, so ... i flirted here and there with both of the npcs and even offered them a night of passion, but they weren't into polyamory so i left it at that.

"I'm not a monster Jake", Sahar respects people's sexual and romantic boundaries, in anything else he doesn't care.

For some reason my friends didn't get that... they tought i wanted to break them apart and kept joking about it, and i was "eh whatever" till i realized they actually meant it which made me so confused cause if i wanted to i would, that's the whole personality of my Sorcerer, he gets what he wants if not heads roll.

And that's how he was in any other aspect of the campaign just no on the romance part, our DM makes us write and sign a consent sheet of the content we are comfortable and not in having presented in the campaign, and all of us wrote off any kind of sexual violence cause nah, we don't want that...

So tell me, why did 3 of my 5 friends thought Sahar wanted to force himself into the npcs marital relationship!? Cause I have no idea

The 3rd npc was a pirate captain lady and actually one of my friend's character and my own did have some fun with her, all consensual, and she got pregnant o: so there was 50/50 chance the kid was mine, cause ofc she had to be a freaking dragon in disguise (dragons are literally free for all when it comes to interspecies reproduction lol)

After some dice were rolled turned out it was mine, and cause she aint a girl that wanted to settled down, she free she a pirate, and Sahar didn't want to live their life on a ship they decided she would keep the child, he would pay child support and visit here and there, and she was happy with that arrangment.

And once again my friends were like: you are an absent father, you just mess around and leave cause you don't wanna settle down, "eres como todo papá de latinoamérica"... bruh

Literally family is the most important thing for Sahar, he loves his family, what are you talking about!?

Also my Sorcerer ended up marrying a Fey lord, to save one of their friend's ass cause by that point in the story he felt endearment towards the party they weren't strangers anymore so he was willing to take one for the team, and so he did.

They formed a fey contract, Sahar was to marry him and he would give us the weapon we needed to progress the story.

So they married even after my friends did everything to crash and stop the wedding Shrek style, what they didn't know was what Sahar planned on doing right after the wedding...

Let's be honest if the Fey lord asked my Sorcerer's hand in marriage in any other fashion, maybe just maybe he would have said yes, cause he was a cute floral wolf but because he did it with a fey contract Sahar felt used... and he didn't like that, he's the one that uses other people, never the one to be used so ofc he killed his husband.

My Sorcerer went from single, to married, to widowed all in the same day asjhffgkjsgjns it was great.

Oh and he also had a collection of dildos he found throughout the story pfft i'm not kidding, in my inventory there were so many dildos, of different shapes, sizes, based on different species.... i even rolled a NAT 20 and found the rarest of them all or so my DM said... a Basilisk dildo xD

By the end of the campain Sahar went back to his family, to the Feywild, having matured and with a lot of stories to tell, he literally killed a God so he's ready to boast about it and receive all the praise they deserve.

#i'm really bad with names #most of my ocs are nameless #so i named him based on a granblue fantasy character #i also based the appearance of his family based on gbf chars #but only that #their personalities are different #i'm proud of that #dnd #dnd oc #zeynatura

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willsnerdcorner · 9 months

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So, I’ve been playing D&D since 2014ish(?), and as one could guess I have created a lot of characters since then. I also love getting art of them (something I didn’t start doing until 2018/2019) as well as notable NPCs and villains. So, I’m going to post the art and talk about the characters because why not? Let’s talk about my gunslinger Kate, not my favorite but still second as well as my longest running character (3.5-4 years I believe?).

Anyway, this lovely piece drawn by my friend Veronica (ArtStation in the link) is of my high elf gunslinger Kate. Quick description of the character since this is more of a discussion of the thought process of the character:

Katelyn Evelyn Sulyvahn Van Doren was born to the Van Dorens, a noble house run by a fair family and mostly beloved by their people. When she was 60, her family were overthrown by rebels and killed off mostly. The only survivors of this massacre were her, and unknown to Kate her older sister. The people who overthrew her family enacted an old punishment so cruel most people thought it was an urban myth (more to come on that since I want to make sure I TW that section). Eventually she was freed by a man named Oberon who took her under his wing as a bounty hunter as he showed her new weapons he had stolen/replicated, guns.

She suffered through intense PTSD and it was only through Oberon she was able to go from unfunctional to functioning somewhat. A ten year process that would have felt like a flash of time for someone who would be as long lived as Kate. She wanted to kill her tormentors, but not out of a sense of vengeance. She wanted to be able to sleep at night without worry they would bring her back to these people. Eventually, Kate would meet up with the party and travel with them after a scuffle landed Oberon in hot water so they had to travel separately. Thus began her adventure…

From this point onwards I will discuss the making of her character as well as potentially upsetting things. For those in need: trigger warnings of torture, body image issues, and mental illness. You have been warned.

When I designed Kate I knew that there would be some comparison to a much more famous gunslinger, Percy from Critical Role. I’d be lying if some of his story beats didn’t form the base of this character. It’s only natural, but the key was to have the same beats differently. Percy is a character driven by vengeance that threatens to consume him. Kate I wanted to make a character that needed to kill some of these people to be left alone. Kate never really wanted vengeance but these people who tormented her were extremely present and powerful in the setting. With the main one she interacted with being one of the major antagonists of the last arc. She could not just let them be, they would always come to find her unless she could prove that was a bad idea or just remove the ones who would hunt her most of all.

This is a character colored by her traumatic past, and while I did try to include things in that made her a character versus a pizza cutter (jury is out if I did that or not) it informed a lot of her attributes so that she was only her traumatic past. When creating this character, I included a lot of little details that tried to show a softer side to this character that might not be readily apparent. A love of oranges, a desire to still be able wear dresses, finding an owl familiar she named Jareth, and eventually taking up guitar. She couldn’t be all trauma or else that would just make for a poor character.

We do need to talk about the source of her trauma if we want to discuss the character overall. During the 30 years her captors kept her imprisoned they were merciless in how they tormented her. I do not want to go into details, since outside of the DM as well as one player, I didn’t not super disclose those details to the party since I didn’t think it was needed because it was always way scarier to have them guess and also I did not think she was a character who would want it brought up. All the party knew was she was covered from her neck down in scars and magical chain tattoos that no one until one Yuan-Ti shaman later could remove as well as she been tortured by these people. The chains were the most concerning and distressing to her as they were a constant reminder of the fact that she never would be truly free of them. In the same way, I often had her in pain for long treks or needing to lean on things to rest when she had to exert herself often. The weather playing havoc when the pressure dropped and her body was in constant pain as a result.

The body scarring and tattoos did come from a slightly personal place, body image. I have a lot of them, and this sort of informed the character. Both Kate and I wear a lot of clothes to hide our skin so people can’t see it. Albeit for different reasons (her’s are the result of intensive torment), a part of her journey was slowly becoming more at peace with what she was dealing with as she looked for a way to fix the damage done to her. To at least not be freaked out whenever her clothes ripped or anyone saw her old wounds. This played a part of a person who was sort of hampered by pain that eventually managed to overcome it by the end. Overall, how she handled it was inspired by how I have hidden my own insecurities. So I don’t want to say this is a great allegory for handling body image issues overall, but the how was at least personally inspired on what I’ve had go through my head.

Kate was also special since she was the first queer PC I had ever made. It took me a long time to accept my bisexuality, and I only came out to my family in the last year or so. So, I tested the waters by making my characters LGBTQ to sort of prepare for that. Kate is a lesbian, and her story ultimately ends with her raising her niece on a nice plot of land with Oberon, a gnome named Crawshack, and her girlfriend later wife Inari (who didn’t take Kate’s last name since they would have run out of room on the marriage certificate). She gets her happy ending, with a loving souse and a family on a farm somewhere where she can live undisturbed.

A lot of folks have also asked me why a gunslinger? I was playing a lot of Red Dead 2. That’s literally it. Some things don’t have a deep reason.

Probably should stop here, but if folks like this I might write up more of my characters later. Let me know!

#dnd #dnd art #dnd character #gunslinger #high elf #dungeons and dragons #dungeons and dragons art #dungeons and drawings #dung #character write up

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popi-the-fatui · 3 years

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CHILDE BF HCs

(that no one asked for but here they are anyways)

A/N: this man needs some luv. Long post, there is a whole iceberg under the “read more”. Also, I tried to keep a Gender Neutral reader so pls DM me if there are any mistakes!!

TW: DESCRIPTION OF AN ANXIETY ATTACK, SPOILERS FOR THE REX LAPIS QUEST AND CHILDE’S PAST, a little bit of angst

🐋 Let’s bust some myths first: contrary to popular belief, Childe has no experience at relationships or intimacy at all. Non. Cero. The Venn diagram of romantic/intimate stuff and things Childe has done is a void. But it’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s just that he hasn’t had the time to experience any of these things because he is a busy man: between fighting, training and being a Harbinger, there is not a minute left for him to indulge in other things.

🐋 The problem with this is that Tartaglia is a people’s person. He WANTS to be able to have someone that he can do these things with. At the end of the day, when he comes home tired after a mission, all he wants is someone to be waiting for him with cuddles, hugs, kisses, reassurance, caresses, or just a simple “how did your day go?” Because of this, he has a lot of pent-up love that he has not been able to give.

🐋 In that note, he is also incredibly touch-starved: not only does he want someone to give that love to, but Childe also craves to receive it. When was the last time he was touched by someone in a context that was not a fight? He loves fighting, obviously: he has trained for a big part of his life to be able to defeat everything and everyone. But he is also just a human, and there are limits to how long a person can go without a loving touch.

🐋 So when he finally falls victim to the first signs of infatuation, this poor whale man will have an internal battle: do I reach for them? Would they be better off if they never meet me? Will they accept me? Has my reputation already ruined this for me before it even began? How do I approach them? Do I look presentable? Am I going to scare them away? Childe will be torn between wanting to protect you from himself (as the Fatui business is not an easy pill to swallow for everyone) and protect himself from you (his heart would not handle rejection/disgust very well), and wanting to KISS YOU AND HUG YOU AND KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU BECAUSE ARGH WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO ADORABLE.

🐋 So he finally decides to compromise between these two stances, and let YOU decide whether you want him as a friend, a lover or a stranger. He starts greeting you whenever he sees you in the streets, subtly asking if you would like him to join you in your commissions, inviting you for lunch/dinner after a mission so you can recharge your energy, asking if you want to go and share drinks with him and Zhongli. You know, friendly stuff friends do. And he doesn’t even try to hide the happy smile that escapes him whenever you say yes to him: when it comes to you, there is nothing he needs to hide. Well, except for that one thing.

🐋 He knows that you know he is somehow associated with the Fatui, if his constant trips to the Northland Bank aren’t enough to tell. Usually, Childe dislikes going around things as he much rather hit straight to the point (being the point a fight, a deal or just a simple conversation). But he has grown so addicted to the sensations you make him feel that he can’t help but to try to postpone that tiny little detail about himself for later. He has never had anyone who genuinely wants to spend time with him and that can keep up with him. Childe knows he can be quite intense and that rumors about him aren’t really rumors but WARNINGS, and to finally have someone, even if you’re just friends, that is actively trying to get to know the real him means so much, and he doesn’t want to let that go as selfish as he knows it is because there’s a chance you could get hurt (emotionally and physically).

🐋 Unfortunately for him, everything that goes up must go down, and that fateful day comes when his plans to take Rex Lapis’ Gnosis blows back to him. After that brief, tense conversation with La Signora and Zhongli, Childe’s ego can’t be any lower: it’s not often that he loses, and much less often that he loses while feeling like a fool. He wants to scream, fight, punch, kick. Anything to take out the impotence and anger he is feeling right now.

🐋 You found him in this state while you were looking for him to see if he was alright because a WHOLE ASS PALACE JUST FELL FROM THE SKY and you’re very concerned for him as you haven’t had any news directly from him and all you know is that apparently Childe was the cause of it?

🐋 As soon as he sees you, his blood-lust disappears and he no longer wants to fight something: he wants to cry from shame. Shame at being found in this state. Shame at failing. Shame at what you would think of him now that the cat’s out of the bag because from the look in your face is EVIDENT that now you know how far his relationship with the Fatui goes.

🐋 He falls to the ground, tears finally coming out and he is crying ugly sobs while hiccuping nonsense about how he is a weak, pathetic, disgusting failure and it’s not fair it’s not FAIR IT’S NOT FAIR IT’S NOT-

🐋 “Look at me” you softly call to him, but he is panicking and hyperventilating and not responding to anything that’s outside of his head, so you decide to sit on your knees in front of him, gently cupping his face with your hands, caressing his tears away with your thumbs.

🐋 “Childe, look at me. Please?” You try again, carefulness in your tone as to not startle him. And when he finally reacts and looks up, you don’t see Tartaglia the 11th Harbinger, nor Childe the fatui flirt. All you see is a broken man that carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, exhausted from constantly fighting against everything the world has thrown at him, and your heart aches for him and wonders how long this man has suffered alone, how long has he suffered in silence.

🐋 “It’s okay, Childe. You’re okay. Can you breathe for me?” You position yourself behind him and put your hands on his shoulders, rubbing circles with your fingers to further calm him. “Breath with me, yeah just like that. Now hold it for a bit and then release it. Keep going, I’ll do it with you. I’m here”

🐋 Childe finds himself finding it easier to breathe with each inhale and exhale, and when he is finally going down from his high, catharsis hits him HARD. Is this what he has been missing all of his life? Is releasing all that pent-up frustration supposed to feel this good? And he feels a little selfish, because he knows he doesn’t deserve your comfort after the stunt he pulled, but Childe can’t help but become putty under your tender touches and your soft words, and he wishes for a different context, for a different past in which he never fell into the abyss, never joined the Fatui, never felt that the only way to survive was to fight. Instead, he wishes for a past in which he is traveling because he wants to, and he meets you, and he courts you and makes your cheeks heat up at something he said. And you are not touching him because he had a panic crisis that he himself caused. No, he imagines the both of you after a dinner date in Liyue. The sky is dark and the stars are shining but the streets are still full of people laughing and talking and the light from the lamps are reflecting beautifully in your hair. You are walking near the harbor, and you are holding his hand and he is giving you a kiss on your forehead because he can’t help himself. In another life, he would have found you and loved you the way you deserve and the way he needs.

🐋 But he knows that now is too late, and all he has left is a mind full of regret because he did, in fact, hurt you. How could you trust him after this? How could you WANT him after this? So imagine his surprise when the first thing that comes out of your mouth is a soft “Are you ok now, Childe?”

🐋 “I- how- what?” He mutters in disbelief. Why are YOU asking HIM that? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

🐋 “You had me very worried back there. I thought you would stop breathing at any moment. You are not hurt, are you?”

🐋 And he laughs. A high-pitched, almost maniac laugh. “You know I was the cause of all of…” he says, moving his arms to signal, well, everywhere “...this, right? I believe you now must know what my real business in Liyue was, and that I’m not just some random Fatui officer”

🐋 “Well… I kind of suspected it? How many ‘random Fatui officers’ are carrying a Vision, huge amounts of Mora and have so many ‘meetings’ at the Northland Bank with the Qixing themselves? I mean, I didn’t know you were a Harbinger, but I did know that you were a higher up in the organization. I’m not dumb, you know?” you answer light-heartedly.

🐋 “Then why would you keep hanging out with me? If you knew all of that, then you for sure must have known that people tend to keep me in a ‘do not trust’ list. People are wary around me, and they should! If you knew of the things I’ve seen, the things I’ve DONE. The reputation surrounding the Fatui, especially the Harbingers, wasn’t built on nothing, you know?”

🐋 “Don’t get me wrong. I do have somewhat of an idea of the things you do for a living. And let me be clear: I certainly do not condone it. And to be honest, I know that things between us would be easier if you weren’t a Fatui and I actually wish you weren’t one” you can feel how his whole body deflated at that, and even if you are sitting behind him, you just know he has a pout on his face, so you resolve for hugging him from behind and rest the side of your face between his shoulder blades, and continue.

🐋 “But in the past weeks, I also had the opportunity to get to know you. Not Fatui you. But human you. I know that you have a family that you love very much and you do everything in your power to protect them. I know that you haven’t had it easy, and that some scars you have still hurt. I know that you absolutely can’t eat with chopsticks, but your pride refuses to give up and you try anyway. I know that you’re a passionate man that holds his dearest people close to his heart. I know that you hate when I’m sad so you’re willing to make a fool of yourself if that means I’ll end up laughing. I know how you wait outside of my building until my window lights up after you get me home so you are sure nothing happened to me. I know by the way you sometimes disassociate from the world around you that you are thinking of home and returning to your family” as you speak, you feel something wet falling on your upper arms, and realize that Childe is silently crying. You have half a mind to stop, but you also know that he needs to hear this, so you tighten your hug a little in reassurance.

🐋 “I also know that whenever I see you with a new wound, I can’t help but worry for you and my first instinct is to check if you are okay. I’m now familiar with the way my heart skips a beat whenever I get to see one of your genuine smiles, especially when the reason behind them is that you get to spend some time with me. I know my eyes soften when I see you talking about something you’re passionate about. The truth is, I care for you, Childe. I really do, Fatui or not. Harbinger or not. And yes, while I would rather you not be one, I still can’t help but long for your company because you make me happy. Because I love you. So don’t underestimate me. I’m strong and so are my feelings. You being a Fatui is not gonna change that”. After this, you two sit in silence for a few minutes, but it’s not an awkward one despite your confession. You know he is gathering his thoughts so you move one of your arms that is wrapped around Childe’s torso to card your fingers through his hair, mindful of the knots that had appeared after the battle. If he doesn’t believe your words, then you sure hope he trusts your actions.

🐋 Childe is the one who breaks the silence when he asks “How could you possibly love someone like me?”. If you weren’t sitting that close to him, you wouldn’t have heard it. He says this so softly, so gently, almost as if he was trying to convince himself and not you.

🐋 “Silly boy” you laugh warmly. “Did you hear anything I just said?” You ruffle his hair, and finally, FINALLY, you can hear him giggle a little. “You don’t get to decide who I love. That’s my choice, and I choose to love you”

🐋 No kisses were shared that day. No grand, magnificent romantic gestures were made. Only the silent promise of two young lovers to love and cherish each other as they were. And maybe, just maybe, you could work things out, together, to build yourselves a brighter future.

🐋 So after all has been said and done: congrats! You are now the proud s/o of Teyvat’s biggest simp.

🐋 Childe is your number one fan. Everything you do is carefully recorded in his mind for later use. He has to go on a mission away from you? Be prepared to be pampered and being taken on several dates the previous week so this clingy man has something to hold on to.

🐋 Also: he is shameless. He will not be afraid of making out with you in plain daylight on a busy street. But fear not! If you happen to not be a fan of PDA, he will try to be low-profile. You are, afterall, a person he treasures and can’t live without, so your comfort comes before his needs. Now, I say “try” because he will still demand to hold your hand and give you the random kiss on your cheek.

🐋 HUGS. FROM. BEHIND. Watch him giving you hugs like Oprah. You are buying something? Cooking? Chilling? Expect to feel a pair of long limbs wrapping from behind you in a tight hug like a koala. It’s his hourly vibe check.

🐋 Very jealous and protective of you. He is very afraid that one day you’ll realize there are plenty of people better than him and you’ll leave him, so please remind this simp that he is more than enough for you.

🐋 He also has nightmares from the time he spent in the abyss and will take sometime for him to realize that he is no longer there, so give him a few minutes for him to come to his senses and then please for the love of the Tsaritsa cuddle the life out of him. Also on this note, I have the headcanon that he prefers being the little spoon. That, or facing each other and he rests his face in the crook of your neck while leaving little pecks there.

🐋 Also you discover, to your surprise and as stated at the beginning , that this man has absolutely no idea how to do relationships. To compensate for this and to give you only the best of the best (as you deserve), he spends time in his travels to read romantic novels to have an idea of what to do, so don’t be surprised if he says or does something corny or cringey.

🐋 The most chaotic “meet the family” you’ll ever have. As soon as he takes you to Snezhnaya, you will have all of his siblings running and tackling you into a bear hug (he sends A LOT of letters to his family about you and if you read them you would not be sure if he is talking about you or a deity).

🐋 He also tries to keep you out of anything regarding the Fatui. It’s a relief that you finally know about how deep his person runs in the organization, but he also wants to spare you from the details of what he does unless something is really bothering him.

🐋 All in all, this golden retriever is your biggest hype man and the most loyal boyfriend. You will never get bored with Childe, as everyday is an adventure with him and he will make sure you to make you as happy and loved as you make him feel.

#childe #childe x reader #tartaglia #tartaglia x reader #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin #genshin impact #mine #tw axiety #tw anxiety attack #genshin spoilers #genshin impact spoilers

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theprettiestlamb · 2 years

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Welcome Home, Soldier [Part 1]

Pairing: 40s!Bucky Barnes x Plus Size SE Asian F!OC

Word Count: 1768

Description: Everyone knows that charming sergeant from Brooklyn could have any woman on his arm, yet he chose the nurse who was a black sheep in every way. Will one mission end their unlikely romance?

Author’s Note: It's finally here! Pretty sure this is the longest fic I've ever written to date. Currently, the first two parts are done. I think I'll post the second and third together once it's completely finished.

***Update (2/4/22): I've been noticing that the beginning keeps getting cut off and a line keeps repeating even though I've fixed it once before. I've edited it again, but if it still happens, give me a heads up and I'll figure something out.

Warnings: angst, fluff, implied racially motivated attack, insecurity, self-hate, cursing, eventual smut

Tags: @mysoftboybensolo, @maria-chwan, @lokiskitten, @caffeinated-fan

*** If anyone wants to be tagged, just leave a comment or dm me!

I do not consent to my work being copied, translated or reposted on another website.

Amelie waited with the crowd at New York Harbor. Sunlight reflected off the compact mirrors held by sweethearts doing last-minute makeup checks. Children bounced gleefully on their feet, asking their parents when the ship was coming.

“Soon, Johnny,” she overheard a mother tell her little boy.

“Look! Right on the horizon!” a man from another family pointed out a speck in the distance.

Amelie’s eyes followed everyone else’s, her heart thumped, threatening to punch a hole right through her chest.

She basked in the onlookers’ anticipation… but she shouldn’t.

This is ridiculous, Amelie told herself. There’s no way he’s on that vessel.

Not after what happened in Austria.

Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes was initially presumed dead after he had fallen into a ravine from a train during a mission with the Howling Commandos.

She was surrounded by the wounded and the dead alike. The bleakness of war never let up when men—who were in perfect health and determined to fight to the end—returned from behind enemy lines with lost limbs, major blood loss and battle fatigue.

But this was her Bucky.

She couldn’t recall much about the day she found out. One thing she did know was the weight of the news dropped onto her worn form as she entered her sleeping quarters.

He was gone. He was really gone.

She sat on the floor, taking with her the bundle of letters he had written her over the course of their training at Camp McCoy.

Amelie hugged the envelopes to her heart, her anguish finally washed over her like a tsunami as she wept.

She did this for two or three nights until Captain Rogers paid her a visit.

“He survived,” Steve simply said.

Amelie’s brows furrowed, lips parted, then came together slightly. But the words weren’t coming together.

The Captain nodded, giving a smile that was barely there. “I know. I was shocked, too.”

“H-How?” she asked.

It was impossible. She had to be dreaming.

He couldn’t divulge much; just that Bucky surpassed the amount of time doctors expected him to live.

One hundred and fifty foot drop. Survived.

For the remainder of the war, she held onto his words. She had to.

Not only because she held out hope, but because Steve was his brother-in-arms, his best friend even before the war. He was there when it happened.

That was 8 months ago.

Her heart wanted to believe she would get to see the man she loved again. That she could hear his honey-dripped Brooklyn drawl and lose herself in those pale blue eyes.

Her mind knew it was wishful thinking. He may have lived, but not for long. No one would from a fall that high.

Steve’s lack of updates didn’t help either. Amelie suspected he found himself in hot water for revealing details of the mission to someone not cleared by the SSR. Or he was just busy with whatever else they had him do.

Now, as the ship neared the dock, all faith she had was being chipped away like a sculptor’s medium under a chisel and hammer.

There’s no way, there’s no way.

Amelie sat on one of the newly-cleared benches by the railings. She was the only one there now, a cruel foretelling of her solo trip to a seedy New York motel.

She pulled the flap of her WAC-issued purse up and dug through her stuff until she felt the stack of envelopes tied together at the bottom.

Twiddling the twine between her thumb and index finger, she meditated on their relationship.

Bucky was the only man who saw her as a person. Hell, he was the only man who saw her, period.

The fool she was, Amelie quickly fell for his charm. She was an ugly duckling in a sea of swans. But he was always kind to her, even when other people were around.

This intrigued her.

They met on a cool, December night in England when they were alone.

“Are you okay, ma’am?” Bucky’s brows knit under the visor of his cap.

Amelie nodded, but her body said otherwise.

She took in some air and slowly released it through her nose.

How would she be able to help the men if it took this much effort to come down from anxiety-inducing interactions?

Despite his presence acting as a safety net he so generously spread out for her, she thought it wise to not take the plunge.

“I’m not even Japanese…” Amelie mumbled to herself, repeating what she’d told the drunkard harassing her.

“Hey…” Bucky took her hand and helped her back on her feet. “Don’t listen to him.”

When they stood face-to-face, he continued, “Japanese or not, you don’t deserve to be treated like that.”

God, how she wanted to unload her woes to this man. How much she hated sticking out in the worst ways possible. The mounting pressures of having to prove herself that she was as capable as the white nurses. The feelings of being small, despite having a larger body.

But as she was so used to doing, she bit her tongue. No need to scare away the only man who has shown her the least bit of decency.

“Let me walk you back,” Bucky said, referring to the nurses’ compound.

She took him up on the offer.

He got her there with no further run-ins. She thanked him, bade him a good night and headed for her bunk.

“If you ever run into trouble, come find me, okay?” he looked after her with hopeful eyes.

He could have easily disregarded her the following day. He could’ve been drunk himself, because who the hell would care about her wellbeing?

“Shit, I’m so sorry,” Amelie said to the person she almost bumped her tray into.

Normally, she made brief eye contact and diverted her gaze in a matter of seconds, but she gawked when she was met with a pair of steel blue eyes.

“Whoa, no need to rush. The eggs aren’t gonna jump off your plate,” Bucky teased, bringing a bashful grin to her face.

“No, I suppose they won’t,” she laughed a little.

He licked his lips and his playful demeanor was swapped with one of a softer nature.

“You feel any better this morning?” he wondered, lowering his own tray to his stomach.

Her jaw dropped. “Uh… I am, yeah.”

She probably looked like a lost child. She definitely felt like one.

“Good. I’m glad,” Bucky was the one pausing now, his stare remaining on the short woman in front of him.

He snapped out of it, rubbing the back of his neck slightly as if to diffuse an itch.

“I’ll see you around, then,” he gave her a small smile and followed the rest of the men who were ridding themselves of their dirty dishes before exiting the mess hall.

Amelie felt the butterflies in her stomach left in his wake, immobilizing her.

He treated every woman the same, but he wasn’t flirty with her.

Amelie took this as a reminder of her reality: good enough to be friends with, not enough to be loved.

Not attractive enough, not fun, not interesting. Certainly not someone who hung the moon.

Then he asked her out on a date. She knew this could only mean one thing: a joke. Either he would humiliate her himself or he’d let some of the men from his regiment in on the fun. That was, if he showed at all.

With this in mind, Amelie stayed vigilant. Much to her burdened relief, he did end up meeting with her at the time they agreed upon.

All around her were men in shades of green, khaki, black and blue.

Locals were few and far between.

Now the chances of catching his friends off-guard were slim.

It was probably why he picked this restaurant in the first place, she thought while rubbing her knuckles. Bucky Barnes had the looks and the brains.

“Amelie?”

Though not sharp in tone, his voice was like a needle, bursting the metaphorical balloon filling rapidly with her paranoid thinking.

“Hm?” Amelie turned her attention back to her date and stopped moving her hand, crossing it over the other laid out on the table.

“You… expecting someone?” Bucky’s brow quirked, a smirk playing on his lips.

God, those lips.

“N-No, of course not,” she shifted in her spot on the booth. “Why, are you?”

Stupid, stupid, stupid, she chided herself mentally.

Now that smirk was a full-blown smile. The corners of his eyes crinkled and, between two rows of perfect white teeth a laugh emerged.

“‘Course not. Just you and I tonight,” Bucky said.

Amelie blushed.

He had the cutest laugh. Not only that, but she caused it. Her.

“It’s… my first date,” she admitted.

Technically, it was true. It was certainly better than ‘I’m looking to stop your friends from pouring water on my head or whatever you have planned to make sure I never go on a date ever again.’

“I know,” she hastily added. “I’m 25 and never went on a date. Lame, right?”

To take the edge off her confession, she forced a tight-lipped smile and dropped her eyes on the reflection of the overhead light on the table.

“Nothing wrong with that,” he reassured. “Just the boys who couldn’t see what a pretty dame you are.”

“Bucky—“

The server approached their table and set down a small portion of bread with some oleo on the side.

Bucky gave a quick, but polite thank-you before turning back to a blushing Amelie.

No man has ever thought such things about her. No man who was courteous, anyway, nor genuine.

“You’re not just saying that, are you?” she shook her head and opted to take a sip of water, not wanting to be the first to eat.

She eyed his beer bottle. It was almost finished.

“Who do I look like, right now, Hedy Lemarr?” Amelie half-joked and drank again.

Catching on to her self-inflicted insult, his smile faltered. His hands had broken a piece of bread in two.

“I see Amelie Mendez. So beautiful, but also the sweetest and best Army nurse I’ve ever met.”

She pulled her glass away and coughed on her balled-up fist. “Bucky, that’s—“

He looked at her expectantly but not in a way that was demanding a response immediately.

“That’s… really nice of you,” she blinked.

Was she really about to cry on her first date?

He picked up his knife and spread the butter substitute on one of the slices.

“I’m not just saying that, either. I really mean it, doll.”

#Marvel #James Buchanan Barnes #Bucky Barnes #Sergeant Barnes #Sebastian Stan #Bucky Barnes x plus size!OC #Bucky Barnes x woc!OC #Bucky Barnes x SE Asian!OC #Bucky Barnes x plus size reader #felt good putting that disclaimer #like I'm part of the cool kids lol #also I was about to make a whole other moodboard up top #but finding any WWII stuff involving plus size women or woc is a CHORE #why did I have to love 40s!Bucky so much ugh #my writing #my fic #mine

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thedeadhandofseldon · 3 years

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The Anti-Mercer Effect

On the Accessibility of D&D, Why Unprepared Casters is so Fun, and Why Haley Whipjack is possibly the greatest DM of our generation.

(Apologies to my mutuals who aren’t in this fandom for the length of this, but as you all know I have never in my life shut up about anything so… we’ll call it even for the number of posts about Destiel I see every day.

To fellow UC fans - I haven’t listened to arc 4 yet, I started drafting this in early August, and I promise I will write a nice post about how great Gus the Bard is once I get the chance to listen to more of his DMing).

Structure - Or, “This is not the finale, there will be more podding cast”

So, first of all, let’s just talk about how Unprepared Casters works. Because it’s kind of unusual! Most of the other big-name D&D podcasts favor this long, grand arcs; UC has about 10 hours of podcast per each arc. And that’s a major strength in a lot of ways: it makes it really accessible to new listeners, because you can just start with the current arc and understand what’s going on!

And by starting new arcs every six or seven episodes, they can explore lots of ways to play D&D! Classic dungeon delve arc! Heist arc! Epic heroes save the world arc! Sportsball arc! They can touch on all sorts of things!

And while I’m talking about that: Dragons in Dungeons, the first arc, makes it incredibly accessible as a show - because it lets the unfamiliar listener get a sense of what D&D actually is. (It’s about telling stories and making your friends feel heroic and laugh and cry, for the record). If I had to pick a way to introduce someone to the game without actually playing it with them, that arc would definitely be it.

And I’d be remise not to note one very important thing: Haley Whipjack and Gus the Bard are just very funny, very charismatic people. Look. Episode 0s tend to be about 50%(?) those two just talking to each other about their own podcast. It shouldn’t work. And yet it DOES, its one of my favorite parts, because Haley and Gus are just cool.

And a side note that doesn’t fit anywhere else: I throw my soul at him! I throw a scone at him - that’s it, that’s the vibe. The whole podcast alternates between laughing with your friends and brooding alone in a dark tavern corner - but the laughs never forced and the dark corner is never too dark for too long.

Whipjack the Great - Or, the DM is Also a Player!

I think Haley Whipjack is one of the greatest Dungeon Masters alive. The plots and characters! The mechanical shenanigans! The descriptions!

Actually, let’s start there: with the descriptions. (Both Haley and Gus do this really fucking well). As we know, Episode 0 of each arc sees the DM reading a description - of a small town, or the Up North, or the recent history of a great party. And Haley always strikes this tricky balance - one I think a lot of us who DM struggle with - between giving too much description and worldbuilding, and not telling us anything at all. She describes people and events in just enough detail to imagine them, but never so much they seem static and unreal - just clear enough to envision, but with enough vagueness left to let your imagination begin to run wild.

While I’m thinking about arc 3’s party, let’s talk about a really bold move she made in that arc: letting the players have ongoing control of their history. Loser Lars! She didn’t try to spell out every detail of this high-level party’s history, or restrict their past to only what she decided to allow - she gave them the broad outlines, and let them embellish it. And that made for a much more alive story than any attempt to create it by herself would have - but I think it takes a lot of courage to let your players have that agency. Most Dungeon Masters (myself included) tend to struggle with being control freaks.

And the plots! Yeah, arc one is built of classic tropes - but she actually uses them, she doesn’t get caught up in subverting everything or laughing at the cliches. And it’s fun! In arc 3, there really isn’t a straight line for the players to follow, either - which makes the game much more interesting and much trickier to run. And her NPCs are fantastic and I will talk about them in the next section.

Above all, though, I think what is really impressive is how Haley balances mechanics, and rules as written, with the narrative and rule of cool - and puts both rules and story in the service of playing a fun game. And the secret to that? She’s the DM, but the DM is a player, and the DM is clearly having fun. Hope Lovejoy mechanically shouldn’t get that spellslot back, but she does, and it’s fun. The changeling merchant in Thymore doesn’t really make some Grand Artistic Narrative better, but wow is it fun. And she never tries to force it one way or the other - the story might be more dramatic if Annie didn’t manage to banish the demon from the vault, but it’s a lot cooler and a lot more fun for the players if Annie gets to be a badass instead - and the rules and the dice say that Annie managed it.

Settings feel like places, NPCs feel like people, and the narrative plot feels like a real villainous plot.

Anyway. I could go on about the various ways in which Whipjack is awesome for quite a while - she’s right, first place in D&D is when your friends laugh and super first place is when they cry - but I’m going to stop here and just. Make another post about it some other time. For now, for the record I hold her opinions about the game in higher esteem than I do several official sourcebooks; that is all.

Characters - Or, Bombyx Mori Is Not an Asshole, And That Matters

Okay, I said I would talk about characters! And I will!

Just a general place to start: the party! All of the first three parties are interesting to me, because they all care about each other. Not even necessarily in a Found Family Trope sort of way, though often that too. But they generally aren’t assholes to each other. The players create characters that actually work together, that are interesting; even when there’s internal divisions like SK-73 v. Sir Mr. Person, they aren’t just unpleasant and antagonistic all the time. Listening to the podcast, we’re “with” these people for a couple hours - and it isn’t unpleasant. That matters a lot. (To take a counter-example: I love Critical Role, but the episode when Vox Machina pranked Scanlan after he died and was resurrected wasn’t fun to listen to, it was just uncomfortable and angering and vaguely cruel).

All of the PCs are amazing, and the players in each arc did a great job. If you disagree with me about that, well, you have the right to be incorrect and I am sorry for your loss. Annie Wintersummer, for one example: tragic and sad and I want to give her a hug, but also Fuck Yeah Wintersummer, and also her familiar Charles the Owl is the cutest and funniest and I love him. And we understand what’s going on with Annie, she isn’t some infinite pool of hidden depths because this arc is 7 episodes and we don’t have time for that, but she also has enough complexity to be interesting. Same with Fey Moss: yeah, a lot of her is a silly pun about fame that carries into how she behaves, but a lot of how she behaves is also down to some good classic half-elven angst about parenthood and wanting to be known and seen and important. (Side note: if your half-elf character doesn’t have angst, well, that’s impressive and also I don’t think I believe you).

There are multiple lesbian cat-people in a 4-person party and they both have requited romantic interests who aren’t each other. This is the future liberals want and I am glad for it.

Sir Mister Person, the human fighter! Thavius, the edge lord! Even when a character is “simple,” they’re interesting, because of how they’re played as people and not action-figures. And that matters a lot.

In the same way: the NPCs. There really aren’t a lot of them! And some of them come from Patreon submissions, so uh good work gang, you’re part of the awesomeness and I’m proud of you! The point being, the NPCs work because enough of them are interesting to matter. It’s not just a servant who opens Count Michael’s door, it’s a character with a name (Oleandra!) and a personality and history. They’re interesting. Penny Lovejoy didn’t need to be interesting, the merchant outside the Laughing Mausoleum didn’t need to be interesting, but they ARE! And Haley and Gus EXCEL at making the NPCs matter, not just to the story but to us as viewers. I agree with Sir Mister Person, actually, I would die for the princesses of the kingdom. I actually care about Gem Lovejoy of all people - that wouldn’t happen in an ordinary campaign! That’s the thing that makes Unprepared Casters spectacular - and, frankly, it’s especially impressive because D&D does not tend to be good at making a lot of interesting compared to a lot of other sorts of stories.

And, just as an exemplar of all this: Bombyx Mori. Immortal, reincarnating(?), and described as the incarnation of the player’s ADHD. I expected to hate Bombyx, because as the mom friend both in and out of my friend-group’s campaigns, the chaos-causer is always exhausting to me. And yeah, Bombyx causes problems on purpose! But! She is not an asshole.

And that’s important. Bombyx goes and sits with the queen and comforts her. Bombyx gives Annie emotional support. Bombyx isn’t just a vehicle to jerk around the DM and other players; Bombyx really is a character we can care about. To compare with another case - in the first couple episodes of The Adventure Zone, the PCs are just dicks. Funny, but dicks. Bombyx holds out an arm “covered in larva” to shake with a count, and robs him of magical items, but she also cares about her friends and other people! She uses a powerful magical gem to save her fertilizer guy from death! Yeah, Bombyx is ridiculous, but she’s not just an asshole the party has to keep around for plot reasons; you can see why her party would keep her around. And one layer of meta up, she’s the perfect example of how to make a chaotic character like that while still being fun for everyone you’re playing with, which is often not the case. And I love her.

The Anti-Mercer Effect - Or, “I think we proved it can be fun, you can have a good time with your friends. And it doesn’t have to be scary, you can just work with what you know”

The Mercer Effect basically constitutes this: Matthew Mercer, Dungeon Master of Critical Role, is incredible (as are all of his players). They’re all professional story-tellers in a way, remember, and so Critical Role treats D&D like a narrative art-form, and it’s inspiring. Seeing that on Critical Role sets impossible standards - and people go into their own home games imagining that their campaigns will be like Critical Role, and the burden of that expectation tends to fall disproportionately on the DM. And the end result, I think, of the Mercer Effect is that we get discouraged or intimidated, because our game isn’t “as good as” theirs. (And I should note - Matt certainly doesn’t want that to be our reaction).

So the Anti-Mercer Effect is two things: it’s D&D treated like a game, and it’s inspiring but not intimidating. And Unprepared Casters manages both of those really freaking well. Because they play it like a game! A UC arc looks just like a good campaign in anyone’s home game. They have the vibes of 20-somethings and college students playing D&D for fun because that’s who they are (as a 20-something college student who plays a lot of D&D, watching it felt like watching my friends play an especially good campaign). They’re trying to tell a good story, sure, and they always do. But first and foremost, they’re trying to have fun, and it shows, and I love the UC cast for it.

And that’s the other half of it: it’s inspiring! It’s approachable; you can see that Haley and Gus put plenty of work into preparing the game but it also doesn’t make you feel like you need hundreds of pages of worldbuilding to run a game. Sometimes a cleric makes Haley cry and she gives them back a spell-slot from their deity! That’s fantastic! It’s just inspiring - listening to this over the summer, when my last campaign had fallen apart under the strain of graduation, is why I decided to plan and run my new one!

That quote from Haley Whipjack that I used as the title for this section? That’s the whole core of this idea, and really, I think, the core of the podcast.

The Mercer Effect is when you go “that’s really cool, I could never do that.” But Unprepared Casters makes you look at D&D and go “wow, that looks really fun. I bet I can do that!” And I love the show for it.

And I bet a lot of you do too.

#unprepared casters #bombyx mori #haley whipjack #long post #this is really rough but I don't have time to keep working on it and it's already a month later than intended

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utilitycaster · 3 years

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EXU finale thoughts

I think basically everything I said last week stands; loved the characters, loved the world and the descriptions, for the most part a huge fan of Aabria’s DM calls re rules/mechanics (granting boons, allowing for a lot of flexibility but also making the characters justify and roll for it), but the plot/pacing really fell flat for me,

I want to stave off the “not all things need to be answered” criticism here; I’m not asking for that. I am however asking for enough details to get me emotionally invested in the final fight, and I didn’t feel like I had that. Myr’atta’s attack felt no different than the party running into a corrupted treant in the jungle - I was far more interested in the weird cube last week. I still don’t know why she felt it necessary to have Ted for herself. I can accept not knowing how Ted became a patron, but the idea that she could be lost to Opal lacked any weight because it wasn’t present as a threat until it was already happening.

I don’t mind the stingers - in fact I think the one with Poska at the end, had this been a story that felt contained but also included hooks for future EXU seasons, would have been fantastic! But if the buildup to the final battle is almost entirely stingers meant for the audience, the main characters feel disengaged from what's supposed to be the main plot. It felt like a surprise to them, which means there was no tension buildup and that it was hard to care.

I think the same story structure, honestly, could have existed - the biggest flaw was that the party never really knew what was going on so they were just reacting rather than planning. I honestly think a single reveal that Myr’atta was after them and behind the attacks near Gilmore’s store, and a second reveal that she was trying to control Ted, would have changed my opinion entirely. If the party left Emon not just because of Poska and the need to investigate the rune, but because Myr’atta was chasing them, and if they kept moving south because of this; then even though there would still be all these different threads and the events would have played out similarly, Myr’atta would actually feel like the main villain and the other elements would have added additional pressure and time restraints. As is, Myr’atta felt like an annoying distraction from far more intriguing elements.

To compare to campaign 2: I thought Lucien had the most rancid vibes that have ever existed - like, truly, zero positive traits - and wanted him dead - but I knew why he was doing what he was doing and that made me deeply invested in the story. Here, it felt like the party was being pursued by a bear and Myr’atta was a mosquito that was bothering them. It felt like Poska’s crew or servants of Lolth or some threat from the plane of fire or even the Iron Authority with an imprisoned Umeji could have shown up as the BBEG, and I’d have felt it was equally plausible and in several of those cases, more narratively fitting and emotionally engaging.

In short: there were several different plotlines, which is fine and even good, but the one the final battle and emotional beats hinged on was the one I cared about the least. Even the inclusion of the circlet and hints that Myr’atta was perhaps responsible for the earthquake near Emon didn’t fully land; Opal was (other than Orym) the party member least tied to the circlet, with no prior interactions with Lolth specifically because she’d spent those dream sequences with Ted.

The hook for existing fans regarding Thordak’s Crater also failed to pay off and I need to stress that “but Matt probably gave that as a starting point” is not a good explanation; either work within the restrictions, or don’t, but a vague inclusion with no payoff in a limited run series really cannot be spun into anything good. I actually think including past lore is good, but because there was no payoff, both new potential viewers and existing fans didn’t get anything out of this. Let’s be real: this is a fandom where people got loudly emotional on social media at the mere idea of Vax showing up in a non-canon one-shot where he would almost certainly be murdered in like three rounds. You don’t really need to sell this to existing fans beyond saying "Emon."

This isn’t to say I didn’t enjoy myself, because for the most part I did (although the finale for me, because of the reasons I stated, was by far the weakest episode). I also completely acknowledge this is their first attempt at this shorter format, which is much less forgiving of digressions and tangents, and there probably were a lot of competing expectations. In the end, the main problem was, as I’ve said before, a lot of enthusiasm for the world and trying to be all things to all people. I can’t fault anyone for that; neither can I deny it led to a somewhat rocky and disappointing result.

I’d watch a new season. I’d even be excited for a more tightly plotted follow-up to this one. But also I’ve been a fan of the show for 3+ years and have seen Aabria in several other shows so there’s a lot of built-up goodwill. If I had a friend who was interested in checking out CR but intimidated by the amount of material, or a friend who had taken a break after campaign 2, I would probably recommend they just wait for C3 or hold off to see if EXU season 2 is more tightly plotted.

#critical role spoilers #exandria unlimited #critical role

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zevlors-tail · 4 years

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S/O Has A Self Harm Relapse - Deku

Original ask here.

A/N: Sorry this took so long! My dms are always open, and I’m always here to talk to if anyone needs it! I also hope this is relatable, because I know SH can be very personal and everyone has their own reasons. Remember that your progress is valid even when slip ups happen, and that you are loved, always, no matter what.

TW: Self harm relapse, general negative thoughts and emotions, implied cutting, I didn’t go into detail but it’s still descriptive so PLEASE MIND THE WARNINGS.

Izuku Midoriya/Deku:

“I just don’t know what to do, you know? Things are really tough right now, and I feel like you’re the only one taking the time to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t know who else to turn to...” The hurt in your friend’s voice was evident, causing your eyes to crinkle in worry as you gave them a small concerned smile.

“Everything’s going to be okay. I know it doesn’t feel like that right now, but it will be eventually. You just have to trust me.” Your voice held such a confident tone to it, a promise of better times to come in the near future. You sounded like you were sure of it, as if you knew without a shadow of a doubt that things would be okay- and maybe you did. You truly believed it, genuinely felt that your friend would be okay and that things would work out after all.

“You really think so?”

“I know so,” you responded with conviction.

Just this morning, one of your best friends had texted to ask if you could meet up with them later on in the day to talk about something important. Of course, you being the helpful and loyal friend you were, you immediately agreed and set up a time to see them. It had turned out that they were going through some sort of crisis, something that on the surface didn’t seem to be troubling them, but as they went on about their issue, you saw the way it weighed on their shoulders, saw the way it made them doubt themselves.

You knew how it felt to feel like the world was caving in, like there was no hope left for you. Maybe that was the reason you were always so quick to help others; you couldn’t stand the thought of the people you cared for feeling the same way. No matter what they needed and no matter when they needed it, you were there. One of your friends got into a fight with their parents? You were there. One of them was having troubles with their partner? You were there. If someone else just needed to vent about their shitty day, you were there; you always were. You could never turn them away even if you felt overwhelmed at your own expense. And it was frustrating, too, because no matter how many times you came to their rescue, no one seemed to want to be there for you. Well...almost no one.

There was one person, the light of your life, Izuku Midoriya. He checked in with you often, would remind you to take breaks for yourself (even if you often ignored his requests to do so, much to his dismay), and kept you going when you felt you couldn’t go on any longer. And you were going through so much; between school, work, and home life, you felt completely overwhelmed. Lately, it seemed like your grip on things just seemed to be...slipping. It was getting harder to focus between the sheer amount of anxiety you felt over everything, harder to breathe easy and relax. You supposed it didn’t help that Izuku had been away for a few days for some intense type of training, either.

Maybe that was the cherry on top, or maybe it was just inevitable, but somehow you found yourself feeling lower than dirt as you sent your friend off with a tight hug, their form fading in the distance as you watched them leave with a deep frown. You understood they had things going on, and of course you didn’t expect them to notice you felt a little off, but you wished that maybe they had just asked if you were alright, too. Even a passing, “I hope you’re doing okay,” would have been nice; something, at least, to let you know the feelings were reciprocated on their end as well. Something to let you know they cared. But they weren’t, and they didn’t, and you sighed heavily as you let your facade shatter around you.

You felt selfish for wishing your friend would care when they were clearly preoccupied with other things. But in the same sense, you couldn’t remember the last time someone asked if you were okay. Things were getting bad again, all of your friends and family needed you and were demanding your attention constantly, and now your boyfriend was away for a few days as well. Between the stacking missed calls and texts you needed to respond to and the sheer amount other’s problems added to yours, it felt like too much. Even the noise of the car radio on the drive home was irritating and overwhelming, and no matter what station you picked, the music and occasional static noise bothered you until you finally had to turn it off completely. But driving in silence proved to be a problem as well, and now you were stuck with the intrusive thoughts in your mind and your heartbeat rushing in your ears.

The silence of your empty home was deafening. Izuku, who would usually be lounging on the couch with his favorite All Might blanket watching a movie by now if he was home, was nowhere to be found. The lights on the dishwasher blinked at you from the darkness of the kitchen signaling an empty rack. There were no dishes to clean, no clothes to wash or dry, and the TV screen remained darkened and still; there was nothing to distract your mind from the chaos inside of it. And although you were surrounded by quiet, it was by no means peaceful. You felt on edge, overwhelmed, and alone. It was all too much too fast, and you knew of only one solution to quiet the thoughts in your head, even if it was only a temporary fix.

Right now, in this moment, you just needed everything to stop. You needed a distraction, a different source of pain to redirect your focus. Still, you hated yourself with every step you took until you came to stand in front of the bathroom sink, the familiar cabinet doors leering at you more maliciously than usual.

You knew what lied behind those doors in the far left corner on the bottom shelf.

***

It was two more days before Izuku returned home, the telltale sign of jingling keys ringing through the air as he opened the front door and slipped inside. He tossed his keys to the table and kicked off his shoes. You heard him lock the door behind himself, footsteps heavy on the carpeted floor as he dropped his bags in the living room and took a moment to relax and settle in. In a way, you were grateful he didn't immediately come to see you; you were curled up in bed, anxious and ashamed about what you had been doing while he was gone. He wouldn’t look at you the same way again after this, you were sure of it.

You listened as Izuku trekked to the bathroom across the hall, and if you payed enough attention with your half lidded eyes, you could make out his darkened blurry form passing by the open bedroom door. He shut the bathroom door behind him before he turned on the lights (he was always courteous of you and your need to sleep in the dark), his electric toothbrush vibrating to life. You stayed put in bed and listened to the sound of it while pretending to be asleep. But as soon as it hard started it was just as abruptly stopping, and for reasons you couldn’t place, anxiety bubbled up in your chest as you listened to Izuku go eerily silent for at least a good minute. The light from under the bathroom door shifted as he finally moved, his clothing creating a soft rustling noise while he put his toothbrush back on the counter with a quiet clack.

Sensing that the bathroom door was about to open once more, you turned away from the entryway and faced the wall. You didn’t want him to know you were awake; all you wanted was for him to crawl into bed with you and wrap his arms around you like nothing at all had ever happened, like it was any other normal evening. But as luck would have it, that wasn’t what happened.

Izuku switched the lights off and exited the bathroom, making the short trip to the bed with ease before he stood still at the foot of it for a moment. There was a soft whisper of something, your name maybe? You were too nervous to tell.

“Y/N...?”

Something in his tone caused your heart to race with worry. He was testing you, seeing if you were awake...but for what? He usually knew better than to wake you when he came home any time past midnight, even if it was after a few days of intensive training. If he was trying to get your attention now, then it must be something important. Still, you remained “asleep”, a sinking feeling in your gut and a terrifying thought at the back of your brain. There was no way he knew...right?

When you gave no indication that you heard him, he carefully crawled onto the bed and lie down behind you, arms encasing you protectively and lovingly while he buried his nose into your neck. “Y/N,” he said again, his voice raising a bit. You involuntarily tensed at the sound, and you shriveled in horror as Izuku propped himself up on one elbow behind you while he used his other arm to shake you gently. There was no way you were getting out of this now; he knew you were awake by your movements. if you weren’t apprehensive before, then you surely were now.

“Izu?” you murmured in your best sleepy voice you could muster.

“Hi, love.” There was something in his normally heartwarming smile, something more complicated than usual behind the forest green of his irises as he looked you over. “I’m home.” The crack in his voice took you by surprise, and you saw tears beginning to form on his long lashes.

“Izu, what’s wrong?” You immediately reached out to him, your insecurities and worries all but forgotten about in the moment. “Did something happen while you were away?”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that...”

He welcomed your touch, grasping your smaller hand in one of his much larger ones as you cupped his cheek. He gave you a small smile before leaning into your hand, and no other words were spoken as the two of you sat together in silence for a moment, Izuku trying to calm his ragged breathing while you stared up at him in concern. Finally, he seemed to find his resolve as he sighed heavily and sniffed, eyes fluttering open just to focus solely on you. Izuku shifted so that he was lying back down, one arm draped over your side as you faced him, both of your bodies comfortably resting against one another while you held his gaze.

“Hey, babe?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer as honestly as you can, okay?”

Immediately your heart thundered to life in your chest. You tried to reassure yourself that you were just overthinking things, that there was no logical way he could know about what you’d done while he was away. Was there...?

“Okay.” You hoped your voice didn’t seem as shaky as you felt.

“Are you bottling things up again?” He was so gentle. The tone in which he asked you had been soft, his eyes glossy, his touch tender as he ran a careful hand over your shoulder and down your back to rub small circles against it.

“What do you mean?”

Maybe if you acted ignorant, he wouldn’t try to press you any further. But then, this was Izuku, wasn’t it? Who we’re you trying to kid?

“You didn’t seem like yourself when I called you last night. And your friend said you seemed a little off the other day during your visit. I’m just worried about you. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

Sure, there were lots of things you wanted to say, but you didn’t have the courage to say any of them out loud. So instead of confiding in Izuku, you chose to pull away emotionally. Luckily for you, however, this did not manage to go unnoticed by your boyfriend.

“No...I’m fine. Promise.”

“Oh, honey...” The amount of care and concern he held for you in his words made you feel vulnerable. Izuku pulled you into the tightest hug you’d ever felt in your life, his strong arms wrapping around you in a comforting way while he continued. “You don’t have to pretend that everything is okay. I know it’s not.”

Shameful tears dripped sorely from your cheeks as his words started to sink in. After so long of keeping all your feelings to yourself, they finally spilled over and flowed out of you in the form of teardrops that soaked the pillow underneath you. Your walls crumbled and caved, and you clung to Izuku for dear life as you let everything out in the safety of his hold.

“I’m sorry!” you whispered harshly against his chest. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry-!” For what, you weren’t sure- you just felt the need to apologize. Maybe for relapsing, maybe for crying- or maybe for both.

Izuku hushed you and let you soak his dirtied shirt for as long as you needed. When your sniffles had become less frequent and your hiccups much quieter, he brought his hands to your face, cupping it gently and looking you in the eyes. “Y/N. I love you, and nothing you do or say could change that. Alright?” You nodded in understanding. “I know you’re not okay. I don’t think you realized, but when I went into the bathroom, you...” He struggled to finish his sentence, tears welling up in his eyes again. “You left it out.”

Shit.

Fuzzy memories from earlier played back in your mind as you realized you’d forgotten to put something away that Izuku wasn’t supposed to see. You’d been too busy cleaning the bathroom to remember that you left it sitting on the ledge of the medicine cabinet, right next to the bandages and antiseptic. No wonder he’d stopped brushing his teeth so fast; he must have seen it and put two and two together fairly quickly after that. So then...he knew after all.

“I’m sorry!”

You wanted to say so much more than that. You wanted to tell him you were afraid- afraid that he would leave you, that he would hate you, that he would judge you even though you knew he was the most loving and caring person you could ever ask for. You wanted to tell him you regretted it, that you hated yourself for it, that you wished you could take it back. Of all the things to leave your mouth, those words seemed stuck on repeat. But luckily for you, Izuku always seemed to know how to read you and your words.

Izuku let go of your face before wrapping you in his arms once more, your head tucked under his chin. “Love, it’s okay. Everything’s alright. I’m not angry, though I am upset that you’re hurting.”

“It was stupid, and I’m sorry, and I wish I never-”

Izuku cut you off. “Oh, Y/N, no. It’s not stupid. You’re in pain, it’s your way of trying to cope. It’s not healthy, and it’s not good, but it’s how you’re trying to survive. And that’s not stupid, Y/N, it’s human. And to be human is to make mistakes.” He gave you a moment to process before carrying on. “Slip ups happen. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or that your progress is all gone, or even that you’re weak. It’s a normal thing. Recovery isn’t linear.”

“What does that mean?” you asked between sobs.

“It means it’s not a straight line, baby. You can’t just quit something cold turkey like that and expect things to go so smooth. It’s great if it does, but...the reality of it is that everyone is different, and while you’ve made a lot of progress already, there will always be ups and downs. And just because you had a relapse doesn’t mean that everything you’ve done before this doesn’t matter anymore. It just means things aren’t so good right now. But we can make them better, together. Okay?”

“Okay...” you mumbled.

“I love you. I’m proud of you for getting this far. We can make it through this, and I’ll be here every step of the way. I’ll do my part and start checking in with you more often, okay?”

You pressed your face into the dry spot of his shirt and clutched at it with both hands. Izuku was your rock, and he wasn’t going anywhere. He was willing to go through this with you and help support you, and that meant the world to you in a place where you felt alone and not worth the time of day.

“I-Izuku?” you hiccuped.

“I’m here,” came his calm reply.

“Don’t leave me, please...”

“Oh, Y/N, I would never. I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I’m here.”

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