#this blog has been a fantastic creative outlet for me

[gobs-o-dice]

If I may wax nostalgic for a moment:

So, yeah, this account got deleted by hackers, which sucks, but I can always rebuild it, bit by bit.

This is way more of a huge personal essay than I'd normally do, especially on this sideblog, but it's about this blog specifically, so I think it's really only appropriate that it goes here.

(Rambling got long-ish, so putting in a cut to keep your dashboards clear of clutter - Because it turns out I have some feelings about this blog)

(TL;DR: Thank you all for your kind words and support over the years. This blog meant something to me, it still means something to me, and I'm going to keep working at it - Rebuilding it one piece at a time. I look forward to continue engaging and re-engaging with you all again as I do so)

I had my main tumblr account for something like 5 years by the time I started this sideblog. And I never really had any sort of focus on my main, I was just your general nerdy blogger.

But at some point - 2016-2017, judging by my photos timeline, I started getting really into collecting sets of dice. In as much as I was accumulating them at a much, much faster rate than I'd ever done so before.

My first set was bought when I was still in high school, probably no later than 2003-2004. I know I had at least 5 total sets by the time I finished my first undergrad degree in 2009 and moved across the country for a job. I'm pretty sure I got the 6th set on a trip back home to visit friends during that year I was working. The 7th, I honestly can't remember. Maybe 2011 at a con? That seems like something I'd do.

My 8th set was definitely purchased in the lead-up to my sister's wedding in 2014 - I specifically bought it to match their purple and blue colour scheme because we used the d20 to stop people from clinking glasses to get them to kiss (if people wanted to get them to kiss, they'd have to roll 10+, otherwise, they'd have to find someone to kiss, themselves).

I wasn't taking photos of sets as I got them yet, so this has been a bit of guesswork and memory.

I can confirm that by the end of 2016, I had bought my 15th and 16th sets. I started showing off my shinies, probably here and on twitter. I think even some basic photos made it to facebook/instagram before I realized not many friends and family cared too much about them over there.

2017, I can see set #23 appears in a photo, among others previously.

By September 2018, Sets #44, #45, and #46 were bought at a convention - These are the three sets you can see in the mouth of the yarncraft mimic in my profile picture (also bought at that convention). So, yeah, definitely a steep acceleration in my dice-buying (this was about the time I started buying dice online rather than just in physical stores, I do believe). Overall, a huge shift in my approach and drive towards collecting dice around this point.

It's around here I really start taking photos of my dice, playing around with my flashlights and such for different lighting effects - Basically the first forms of the kind of photos that would become my "brand", such as it is. I think it's here too that I started aspiring to make a character to pair to each individual set (While I do have many, many characters, I can tell you that some of these first sets still don't have characters for them yet. So, y'know, I'm nothing if not consistent in my inability to focus).

The first bunch of these sort of photos were posted to my main, but eventually I decided to start doing the dice posting on a sideblog, so as not to completely flood my main with not only my dice, but all the dice I was reblogging, as through my posts, I had found that there was indeed a community here of dice fans - Often posting their own creative photos.

Now, I've never been exactly quiet about what was going on in my life at that time - The summer of 2018, I had to take a medical leave of absence from my PhD program in university, because my migraines had been worsening from episodic to chronic over the past year or so. I had thought that maybe it was burnout, and I'm sure that's not an insignificant part of it, along with the then-undiagnosed adhd, I was just unable to function in general.

So, I took that summer off, then was genuinely feeling better and came back and tried to pick up again - But as the stress of getting back into things picked up again, it was clear that I was not in fact better. And the meds I was on at the time put me in a near-permanent brain fog, so I just was not able to function on an intellectual level like I had been. I could muddle my way through reading ecology papers that presented broad, easily-followed narratives, but highly technical microbiology and genetics papers, which were a slog at the best of times, became literally impossible to meaningfully read and acquire the sort of information I needed from them.

So, January 2019, I made the painful decision to withdraw from my PhD program. And I was utterly crushed by this point - Y'know, with whatever energy I had left to feel emotions. There is nothing quite so gutting as believing you're better and can handle things, and then finding out that you absolutely cannot, and feeling like you're letting everyone down because you can't keep up with even the bare minimum of responsibilities. I truly do not want this sort of thing to happen again, hence why I really do want to get my migraines under control before I consider going back to school or work - And it's been basically 5 years now. My education and experience have absolutely atrophied, possibly to the point that I'd essentially be starting pretty fresh and need to be brought back up to speed on so much that I'm not sure its something I want to ever tackle.

Anyway, that was where I was when I decided to make this sideblog. It was always, first and foremost, a place where I could post my nerdy photos, ramble about my characters, and just generally go whole-hog in on my nerdy TTRPG-related hobbies. And if other people found what I was posting enjoyable, well, it was all the better.

February 2019, before I moved back home, is the first folder that I can distinctly say I did a series of hoard photos. I wasn't using the term hoardscape yet. And they weren't styled exactly like that, but the genesis of the idea is there - I'm calling these pre-hoardscapes as I do my daily image re-upload. May 2019 was the first time I consciously set out to take photos of the hoard all mixed together. There's some weirdness as I included minis and other nerdy things in this first batch, but the overall style was now something I was fully enjoying - Photoing the dice from angles that made them look like rolling hills or other styles of heaps/piles emerging from one main pile - ie: Trying to make it look like I was taking a photo of a landscape made of my entire dice hoard. I have these labelled as "Hoard Shots" in this folder, but my numbering of them starts there. The next batch, June 2019 was where I started labelling them with the term "Hoardscape". I'm glad that people liked this term and it got used beyond just myself.

In total, I took over 1200 hoardscape photos between 2019 and 2021, not including the photo sessions where I did specific arrangements of specific die-types, since I had to sort them all before putting them away again anyway. So over three years of material for daily content, in addition to the shots I did of individual sets and other flights of fancy I'd have.

It'd be hyperbolic to claim that these "saved my life" or some other cliche like that. But they probably saved my sanity at least a little bit. They've given me something to do that was novel and creative. Something engaging, something to aspire to do, something to look forward to that wasn't the same "wake-up, watch tv, surf the net, play video games" routine I found myself otherwise in. Something to have some tangible ambition towards, however ultimately frivolous it is. Something with a schedule and structure that I felt compelled to adhere to.

This sort of stuff was great for me too, in that I could work on creative projects according to my own, quite nocturnal, inconsistent schedule (You'll notice that pretty much all of my photos of individual sets are also done at night, which was eventually also partially so that the lighting could be consistent). I could work for a few hours at a time, according to however much energy/focus I had. And if I had a bad day, I wasn't obligated to do any specific amount of work at it each day or anything. It was work, in the sense of something productive to do. And honestly, I thoroughly believe you need something that at least feels productive to work at (at your own pace), so that you don't go completely batty with boredom. And that the photos resonated with people out there was absolutely fantastic too. I was honestly a little surprised and always utterly delighted when people would mention my style of dice photos as inspirations for their own creative works - Their own photos or otherwise.

Heck, at one point I had great ambitions to maybe start turning hoardscape-type shots into jigsaw puzzles. Well, that kind of fizzled - We did do one small session using my brother's actual, serious camera instead of my camera phone, and got a jigsaw puzzle made from that high-res shot, but in terms of actually making puzzles from my photos consistently? Well, not so much. Unless, like, some company picked up and licensed my/our photos or something for printing themselves, there was no way we could feasibly afford getting enough made up to sell at any sort of reasonable price. And as fun as it was, to make this, puzzles, I really didn't think it'd be practical to order 1000 of any single design, let alone more than one design to have some variety, and then try to find some market to sell them in.

But hey, this is a fun little treasure of my own to have, even if it was, like $60

Admittedly, as much as I loved doing these shots, there were things that made them increasingly difficult to keep doing new ones of - The way it took over the family room area with my hoard meant that I really only wanted to do them when the rest of my family was gone for long stretches of time - Over a week or so, to give me enough time to get a decent amount of new material and then go through the process of re-sorting and repacking my dice after getting those photos, but also getting any sort of bonus shots - Like once I got the actual stage, taking photos with it, instead of just on the mug warmer (The mug warmer was a decent stage for someone operating with no real budget and still focused on getting more dice, okay? :P). But then the hoard continued to grow and swell (because I'm a sucker for buying more and more dice, after all), which meant that the cleanup process took longer and longer. I mean, it eventually got to the point that the table I used as an auxiliary for sorting was too small for everything to be on there period, let alone with any real clarity to which set was which. And it was more and more painful - Sitting there hunched over, searching and sorting for hours to get everything back to its proper home in my storage bins left my back, neck, and shoulders utterly stiff and sore for days afterwards, which isn't exactly fun. The final big one is that in 2021, for my mom's birthday, my family got a new kitten for the first time in years. As much as I loved Ollie , I knew he absolutely could not be trusted with a big pile of dice just left out in the open. And after his tragic passing [RIP poor Little Bud. Sometimes biology just plain sucks, and it sucks that you apparently got dealt a bad hand], we eventually got Lilah, who much the same, is a cat. And leaving small, shiny things they can bat around out in the open is just a bad idea if you don't want to lose those things.

That's not to say that I've closed the door completely on doing more hoardscapes ever again. It's just that I'll definitely have to think about my approach carefully. One thing with my family having moved into the home that was my grandma's farm, is that I have a much bigger room now I could theoretically set up a table or something in here and keep it closed off, mostly solving the cat and "taking over a communal space" problem.

But, I guess for now, I think I have a pretty large amount of back-content to get back through - I'd even been reposting my old hoardscapes for quite a while now, and I guess I'm starting from the very beginning. So, new hoardscapes are not necessarily going to be something I rush to do. But it's not a hard-"absolutely never again" situation, either.

Anyway, I'm doing much better overall now (better meds/treatment/management, other diagnoses, living at home where I don't have to worry about day-to-day stuff falling by the wayside, etc.) , but still haven't returned to school or work because the migraines still are such that they're really not conducive to participating in capitalism - Most places are unhappy if you take more than the equivalent of 1 day per month off. I have constant low/mid-level headaches, with spikes into the upper end of the scale as the weather shifts. I can't recall a month that I haven't had at least three of those "absolutely not"-level days since all this started. In addition to them not being a consistent, predictable schedule. It just doesn't really provide a good work schedule. And the lingering fatigue is often more generally-limiting than the headaches themselves - Especially when combined with the adhd, so efforts towards self-employment/productivity of any sort are similarly sabotaged - As you no doubt might have surmised from my wildly inconsistent surges of creative output. So basically, for now, I'm still not really going to be working in a traditional sense. At most, I might pick up some of those online gig-type-things at some point, but that'll depend heavily on how that interacts with the government support payments I receive.

If nothing else, there's a good chance I'll get little projects from my family - I already transcribed my grandma's old cookbook to send around to my family, and am just waiting on my mom to help do some final edits for the text stuff. If I get really ambitious, I might try making as many of the dishes (mainly the baked goodies, lol) in there as I can to add photos into it for extra style points (and yeah, if I set out to cook everything in there, it will absolutely be a thing I make another sideblog about, and probably something I even upload content to instagram or youtube about - But that's all probably a long ways off from now). There's other stuff of my grandma's that I'll probably work on transcribing and organizing - Her "red book", as we call it, all the family history and such - Essentially a wiki before wikis were a thing (Note to future self: Is there a wiki-type thing you could use for this? It might be a more intuitive way to link entries).

Nevertheless, now that my hyperfixation seems to have swung back this way, towards creating D&D-related stuff, I'm going to keep at it. I've decided to spin off my character/lore posting to a new side-sideblog (@gobs-o-cs), and since I don't think I'll be reviewing each set of dice as I upload them again, I'll try to keep the individual set posts to a more *aesthetic*-look.

Honestly, the individual set uploads are the most I've lost with these blog resets. those comments (along with those on dicemails and such) are lost, because I generally just wrote them here and didn't think too much about backing them up anywhere.

All of the lore stuff I generally have saved in various other spots. The biggest loss on that front was all the work I'd put into organizing sub-pages on my blog for a character list and pages for individual characters. I'll definitely have to look into less-fiddly ways of keeping things sorted (Honestly, if I get really ambitious, I might have to look into those wiki-style things for writers/creators).

Okay, this was a lot longer (and maybe only a bit rambly-er) than I was planning for it to be.

(Although, when you do stream-of-consciousness-type essays rather than setting out with with any sort of specific plan, that's what'll happen. Hopefully I haven't left too many orphaned paragraphs as I've jumped around to different thoughts, lol).

The long and short of it is that this blog was exactly the sort of project I needed to give myself at a time when I was pretty much bottomed out in life. This was never a huge internet presence or anything, but I know there were quite a few people following towards the end of things. I certainly would be intimidated if I were standing up in a room and giving a presentation to well over 1000 people, not to mention other people who would reblog or like things even if they weren't specifically followers. But it was never about having a huge audience or anything like that. It's something I enjoyed, and will continue to enjoy and keep at for now. And if it re-finds its audience and continues to find an audience, well then, that's all the better.

Once again, thank you all very much for popping in here. Thank you to all of those who have liked and reblogged the silly dice photos I post, the stories I tell, and the random thoughts I follow to whatever conclusion they end up at. Especially thank you to everyone who's ever left a kind word on any of my posts - In the comments, in the tags, wherever.

I'm so glad you've all enjoyed my strange little hobby so far, and I hope you'll continue enjoying it as I work to put it all back up here, piece by piece.

[theredmaynefiles]

My Story: A Journey of Loss & Depression

Let me start by saying this isn't a blog about Eddie. I'm not sure why I'm even posting this here, except that for the longest time, I've needed some sort of outlet for some of the things I'm struggling with... and as this is my only blog, I guess this is it. Maybe someone out there will read this & be able to relate. Maybe it will help explain why my blog on Eddie has gone largely silent. Or maybe no one will even notice. Whatever. I need to get this out.

So first of all, hey there, I'm Marci. You know me as an Eddie Redmayne blogger, but I'm also a mom to a son who has ASD & a person who has dealt with what seems - to me, at least - to have been a lot of crap to cope with over the past 8 years. And I've reached a point where coping is more like just existing but more on that in a bit. Maybe.

My dad was always the strongest person I've ever known. He wasn't perfect, but he was one of those dads that could fix anything & always knew the answers to anything you want to know. In October 2013, my dad was diagnosed with cancer - specifically non-Hodgkins lymphoma. My family wasn't new to this particular diagnosis, as my brother, Jeff, was diagnosed with the same cancer in 1999. At this point, Jeff was considered in remission after successfully completing chemo & radiation treatment. So we thought we knew what to expect. Thing is, dad's cancer was in his stomach (my brother's started in his neck) & it was extremely aggressive. I became my father's caregiver. Besides cancer, he was diabetic & dealing with kidney failure. We saw doctors 3-5 times a week for the next year+. My dad went through 3 different types of chemo, including one clinical trial. None of it made any difference, and the cancer continued to spread. In January 2015, he was put on hospice, & in May 2015, my dad died. I wasn't entirely unprepared for this - I mean he was on hospice, & I've worked at a hospital & nursing home, & seen how this sort of things goes many times, but seeing it happen to your own dad - & someone who was so freaking strong - was really rough. It was a horrible experience.

After dad passed, a lot of things changed. Jake & I moved into a house my dad had left us, leaving my mom (with whom I'd always had a very complicated relationship, to say the least) on her own. In late 2016, while watching 'Fantastic Beasts', Jake suddenly exclaimed, "Mom, Newt is autistic like me!" It caught my interest, & my blog was born of it. For the next year & a half or so, it was an amazing creative outlet for me. Eddie is an incredibly talented actor & a truly kind-hearted human being, who actually makes it a point to connect with his fans. I've spoken to him a few times during the fan interviews, & he even wrote me a letter during the pandemic, which was both shocking & awesome. To be honest, though, the best thing about my blog was meeting Charlotte, AKA @bespokeredmayne, who has become one of my dearest friends, & is an amazing person in her own right. (total shout out there!)

My mom didn't cope well with my dad’s passing, & in March 2018, she had a stroke. She died less than a month later. I've already said we had a complicated relationship - without going into that much more, my mom was a narcissist who enjoyed hurting people. My feelings about her are still not great, even after she's been gone for over 5 years. I have a lot of guilt about that, but it is what it is. What I don't understand is why, after she died, my creativity died, too. I couldn't blog anymore. Mind you, at this same time, I was dealing with some health issues - I'd been having mobility issues, which I started seeing a doctor for in early 2018, but mom's sudden passing kind of shunted all of that to the side. Still, I can't even begin to explain the way things changed for me, much less to understand why I was so affected.

The next year was okay, we went to England, which was a lifelong dream, & things seemed like they were mostly going well enough, despite my increasing mobility issues as well as memory issues. While sorting through all our parents' stuff to get their house ready to sell, my brother, Jeff, and I became closer - we'd always been reasonably close, I guess. We got along well as siblings, despite an age gap of just over 10 years (he was older). He'd looked out for me when I was  little & we were friends as adults, which is more than either of us could say about our other sibling, who has been estranged from us both since the 90s. So, yeah... we were pretty close.

So I mentioned about mobility issues, memory issues, etc. I had thought that at least part of this was some kind of ongoing complications from a car wreck I was in back in '95. Turns out, it wasn't - I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis 3 years ago. In the time since then, with the pandemic in full swing for much of the time, I became homebound. Besides the MS, I have asthma, & also a vaccine allergy. Between that & the autoimmune disease, I cannot be vaccinated, & I am at high rick for severe covid because of my health. Ironic, no? Add that to my increasing mobility issues & my life became more & more isolated.

The summer of 2021, my brother, in his 50s at the time, was diagnosed with heart failure. The cardiologist he was referred to said this was likely a complication of the chemo he'd had years earlier. In December 2021, just a few days before my birthday, he texted me that he was going to the e/r - this was around 2 in the morning. He texted me one more time after that, & then... nothing. I kept trying to get ahold of him, or the hospital, to find out what was going on, but no one answered until about 4 hours later, when I finally got someone at the e/r. To my absolute shock, she told me my brother was dead. He died less than an hour after his last text to me, of a sudden cardiac arrest. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. To this day, I cannot really cope with it. I don't know why it's hit me so hard - I see people who cope with loss & move on, & I did that with my parents, but this one, I couldn't. It was like it was too much, losing both parents & then my brother. It has destroyed me in some way. I'm not the person I was before. So much loss, & then everything else....

One the day my brother died, I went to the hospital to say goodbye to him. I didn't leave my house again until about 4 weeks ago when our cat needed the emergency vet. For a year & a half, I stayed home. (& I haven’t gone out again since bringing our cat home) I work from home as a data analyst. I pay my bills online, & have my groceries, etc, delivered. The only person I see is Jake. My world is so isolated & so depressing. I'm very limited in what I can physically do & that adds massively to the depression. Plus, & this will probably sound selfish, but it's true nonetheless, ever since my brother died, I've felt this sense of impending doom & hopelessness. Like I'm next & it's only a matter of time. I don't know what to do about any of it. I sit here, in my messy house (I hate mess, but I can't physically do most of the cleaning, & Jake doesn't really do cleaning, despite being a huge help to me in other ways) & I exist. Nothing much changes from one day to the next. I feel not only so depressed, but such a horrible anxiety about my life, & about what will happen to Jake if something happens to me. And yet I feel totally helpless to do anything to change any of it. I just feel so emotionally exhausted all the time, like I can't cope with anything at all.

So, yeah... that's me. If you've made it this far, you're probably either bored to tears or disgusted with my moaning. Still, if you've read this, thanks. If anyone reads it, at least I'm not keeping it all to myself anymore. Maybe offloading all of this here will somehow make it easier for me to cope with it. Either way, it's out!

[chrislaplante]

Hello! Chris is fantastically written! You are An Icon!

alright, anon. you didn't ask for this but you're gonna get it anyway. it seems i'm in a mood, so to speak, & imma take this opportunity to let it rip. so here we go: this means a lot. believe it or not. it's easy to throw compliments at random ppl on here, "yell" into someone's inbox & say a billion things that are simply on surface level. tho true, to some extent, we know sometimes things are said to be generally kind. but, whether this was heartfelt or not, i'm taking it as such. it means a lot bc i sometimes have a lot of shit going on in my regular outside-of-the-internet life. like when i first started writing chris, back on his original blog (@inhericurse), i had been dealing with some serious shit & simply needed an escape. i did miss writing, of course. wholeheartedly. but i was honestly looking for a way to tap out now & then. chris had been in the works, in my head, for a while by then & so i took the chance when the perfect fc for him showed up (ty simpkins, in the fifth insidious film, the red door). it was all a coincidence, one which i did not let slip... i must admit, it didn't really start off as much of an outlet as i am now aware it has been. chris has. emotionally, psychologically, all of it. some, old skeletons in my closet. some, newfound messes. all of it, subconsciously working itself out via writing. i thank satan (kidding) every day for it. for the few who have had the patience & have allowed me to express & develop chris into what he's become now for me. both therapy & a way to keep in touch with myself & my creativity. for someone like me, this is immensely important if not vital. anyways. i appreciate this, anon. this & my writing partners. thank you.

[kuleana--does-anyone-care]

capstone update #1

TO REITERATE: I'm planning to produce a 30-min documentary film.

Hello, I'm finally here to update my blog! I meant to do this last week, but didn't... I was struggling to wrap my head around this project and what I'll be doing this semester.

I think I'm a little crazy for taking this on. Sometimes it feels like too much, but I certainly won't be quitting.

My first reality check was trying to populate the workback plan. It was a necessary step, but so difficult. I had to come back to it a few times to get it sorted out. I always feel like I'm overlooking something when I'm planning out a project, and I've never tried to produce something of this magnitude before. But I sat down with my workback plan again tonight and finally have it in good shape. Coming back to it has helped me process what I'll need to do, and I feel pretty certain now that I'm not forgetting anything. I also recreated my workback plan in Notion, because I don't think I'll be able to stay on track if I only look at it on Google Sheets. (The formatting... the lack of color-coding and other viewing modes... Nah, homie, I can't. TwT) I also gave myself dates to complete things by. I know I can work to a deadline, and now I have a ton of them. Isn't that fantastic!

Anyway, I'm really happy with my organization on this project now that I have all my tasks thought out, written down, and with dates. The tricky part now will be keeping the Google Sheet updated according to the Notion.

Right now I have a bunch of tasks marked as "in progress." There's so much I need to do in the next two weeks, mostly making lists of people and Instagram accounts to reach out to. I already follow a lot of accounts but I have not created a master list for myself to keep track of them all. Once I have my list, I can start drafting up messages to send to them, asking if they might want to participate in my doc, or could put me in connection with people who would. I'm kind of worried that I don't have much to show for myself, a presence, or a reason why they should trust me, that kind of thing. But I'll try it anyway.

I also need to draft emails/ send texts/ make phone calls to people I know, who said in one way or another that they might be able to lend a voice to my project. Cast out a bunch of lines and see if I get any bites. 🎣

Another thing is, I want to find videos on YouTube and Vimeo of the ʻOnipaʻa Peace March that happened a couple weeks ago. I wasn't able to go myself, but I'd really like to incorporate footage of it into my film. Maybe someone would be willing to let me use a few of their shots. If not a person, maybe one of the local news outlets. I also need to do some research. I have a playlist of some news clips about the Red Hill water crisis from when I made my 5-minute piece about it in Fall '22. But there have been updates since then, and I need to collect even more. I'm not 100% sure what or how much I'll do with it yet. But my creative process is 'collect all the stuff, look at and absorb it all, ???, get vision, create the vision'... so step one is gathering more things. :)

Also want to find more PDFs. Last semester, I found some studies and national news articles about Red Hill, pollution by the Navy/ issues similar to what's happening here, but my research topic was persuasion, so I spent the vast majority of my time on that. There's definitely more out there, and I want to find it because I'm thinking of using scans/ screenshots in my film.

Oh, and I'm planning to request titles from ʻUluʻulu by 2.16. Gonna try my absolute best to stay on top of the deadlines I've set for myself. LONG POST: FINITO!!!

[blue-slxt]

Hi can I ask 68, 74 and 77 from the ask game?

Thanks for the questions!

68. Are there any fics that influenced you to write the way you do?

Basically everything from @tiredmamaissy

Her page was like the first Avatar fanfic page I found when I got into it and I immediately fell in love. I think her work is so fantastic and I would kill to write as well as her.

74. Do you have a fic you wish got a bit more love?

That's tough because I'm super grateful for any and all attention that any of my work gets. I guess if I had to choose one though, it would probably be my Two Can Play series. It did really well on my old blog when I first posted it and once I moved all my content to this page, it didn't get as much hype. Again, I'm grateful for all the love it has gotten, but I do wish it got a little more love since I worked so hard on it and it was my first Lo'ak fic.

77. Why do you enjoy writing fanfiction?

I enjoy the escapism. Real life has been whooping my ass lately so escaping into the fantasy of it all is like a weight off my shoulders. And it helps me discover a lot about myself and give me a good creative outlet. It's just all so fun too.

[og-inchworm]

So since making this blog months ago and not posting a single thing I’ve gotten sober from a drinking habit that’s sent me to the hospital multiple times, started living my queer life I’ve always wanted, deleted most of my social media, lost 30 pounds, developed a healthy journaling habit (150 pages in that time), and begun spiritual work for the first time in years. I feel like I’m doing better mentally than I have in a very long time, but because of that I’ve had to look at parts of my life that I’ve successfully ignored for years in regards to how I interact with the world. So better mentally but more stressed from addressing my problems. Mental paradox.

The journaling has been really freeing and a fantastic creative outlet, but I want to really engage with a community of writers for the first time in my life and Tumblr seems like the right place to explore that as far as the internet goes. But god damn is it overwhelming. Not even sure how to get this post any visibility out there. Not sure if this will be a journal, art blog, second secret identity, or forgotten. But hi, I’m here. Give me Tumblr tips so I don’t get disillusioned plz.

[kitschykarcass]

Greetings

Welcome to my first blog! I am a recent college graduate trying to figure out who I am and I what I want to do with my life. I have job that pays the bills, a cute apartment with a fantastic roommate and friend, and a kitten named Petey. Those are what I chose to share when people causally ask how I am doing.

Those close to me know that there is a lot more than that happening. I have a laundry list of physical and mental health issues that make day to day life difficult. Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and OCD are the two main conditions I deal with. They are also the root cause of most of my other issues. For as long as I can remember, I have been dealing with the unpleasant symptoms of both. It wasn't until very recently that I was able to get diagnosed and start treatment.

While it has been wonderful finally getting the help I need, I've been really struggling with my identity. My idea of who I am changed very suddenly. Not just who I am now, but also who I was in the past and who I'll be in the future. That is the reason I started this blog. This is an exercise in vulnerability and self discovery.

The title of this blog comes from a paper by philosopher Thomas Nagel titled "The Absurd". I am planning to make a post down the line just unpacking that paper and the impact it has had on me. For now, I'll keep it brief by saying Nagel has helped me learn to be okay with the uncertainty of life. He uses the imagery of chains throughout his piece to convey this point.

I am not sure what this blog will look like. What I post and how often is unclear. I don't want this to become another thing to cross of my to-do list. I want this to a creative outlet and hobby that brings me joy. I hope you will join me in the uncertainty of this journey!

Talk to you soon!

-Karl

[jizzlords]

Hel! our resident Ozzie enthusiast & pre-canon enjoyer. It has been such a joy speaking to you and creating our little threads and world building for these two. You bring Ozzie to life and whenever I see your threads on the dash know I'm devouring them. I look forward to our future talks about this duo from their disaster years to the canon where they're all but a married couple. Also I should bully you into writing Angel, I want to see ur Angel S O bad on the dash 👀

!!? aw? the honor is all mine?? it's thanks to you, too. you've been a fantastic inspiration and motivation. you helped me feel more comfortable with ozzie, whether you know it or not (I don't tell many in the first place hdbsjd)

everyone here had a hand at making me feel more inspired and comfortable to embrace his portrayal. you, especially! with questions that push creative boundaries. I adored these two fucks when ozzie's blog came into existence but — fuck, you helped ("helped" fjsbdj) intensify that.

AS FOR ANGEL... u won't. id like to see u try (especially since ozzie snatched me up from him oop) but regardless ,, you've been a spectacular partner. and friend. and creative outlet. seriously, putting fizz under a whole new spotlight for us. thank you 🥺

[endormiscat]

Let’s please not lose focus on what truly makes AI art to be bad

The problem with AI art is not that it’s generative. It’s also not that it’s poor quality either. It’s “just” immoral.

First, let’s establish that generative art has been a thing for a while now, way before the introduction of these large AI models, and it’s one of my favorite branches of art. I consider myself a somewhat creative person, I just didn’t have the motivation to practice the skills required to draw or write. It wasn’t until much later, that I discovered worldbuilding and conlanging, where I found my hole, my creative outlet. As a software engineer, I also love procedural systems, when it’s not a buzzword to try to sell a game’s replayability. I think Dwarf Fortress is peak generative art.

Y’all remember Cheap Bots Done Quick, right? Maybe not by that name, but if you’ve ever followed any of those automated accounts on Twitter (before Elon Musk decided to sacrifice them to try to appease the Spambot gods, in vain) that made procedurally generated emoji landscapes: those were generative art too!

That’s not the only kind of Cheap Bots that were on Twitter; there was this bot that roleplayed as a lonely car AI in a barren world that I loved. Another one that roleplayed as a ragtag of survivors making by in a flooded post-apocalypes semi-fantastical world, describing day to day mundane events. The CBDQ platform uses Tracery, a library that let’s you procedurally generate strings of text very easily by providing some rules, created by Dr. Kate Compton. She has made a lot of other cool generative art experiments that you can see if you dig around her website or Twitter. Here’s one of the first generative art accounts I came across on Twitter, made by her! Another example (that is not CBDQ) is this cute DnD character generator. Look what other cool things people do for the Procedural Jam! Janelle Shane’s work (1, 2), immortalized in her book “You Look Like a Thing and I Love You“! (She has a blog here on tumblr as well)

I think there is a beauty in making unpredictable tools and experimenting with them together, seeing chance align to produce uniquely poetic results sometimes (other times it falls flat or fails spectacularly, but that’s generative systems baby). I think that’s art and nobody can take that experience from me. And this is just all the current digital-only generative art! There are expos too and stuff. Haven’t looked much into that but I know it exists.

So saying “AI art is bad because it’s generative” totally discredits this whole wing of art. So be careful when branding “writing a prompt is not art” around as an argument. Don’t let the fact that saying this only gets you horny weirdos pushing back on it distract you from the fact that it’s a shaky argument.

Saying “AI art is bad because it’s poor quality” is also a slippery slope. This is where the whole “look at the fingers!” bit goes. Yes, this is a very flagrant limitation of the technology. But technology limits only stay around for so long, we should all already know that. Just GPT-4′s arrival is already heralding image generation with good looking hands. And you’re also discrediting all the poor artists who don’t know how to draw hands either.

No, what makes AI truly bad is the whole immorality in the act of using it. It sources it’s training without no filter on what could be legitimately used and what’s being stolen, and then offering a product built on that stolen material with the original creator not just not seeing any compensation for their work, but being completely removed from the equation. THAT’s what people should be focusing on. No “but also it looks funny” because then the people who should care to make a change will think the moment it stops looking funny it will suddenly be ok. It will not. And on the other hand we also don’t want a whole style of art to be outlawed just to get rid of immoral AI art. It’s a very complex matter around technology and we still got lawmakers who don’t know what emojis are.

PS: Personally, I think that the training datasets should be publicly published (as in, a log of all the metadata used; you don’t need to attach every picture or text, but at least an index with the name, the author and the source used for each piece of material). This allows anyone to look for their stuff and see if it was misused. If you’re a company and don’t feel confident in doing even that, you should perish. Alongside that, I think a new license should be created specifically to sell to companies looking to use your material as a training data. And the proof of owning said license should be publicly published alongside the dataset metadata, so every piece for which the company doesn’t have a license for and isn’t in the public domain should be marked as illicit.

[influencermagazineuk]

An Interview on the “Living My Best Life Tour” with Humanitarian and Business Woman, Calynn M. Lawrence

Calynn M. Lawrence Calynn M. Lawrence is a 27-year-old media personality, humanitarian and businesswoman from Chicago, IL. She’s been acknowledged in the press as “a one girl revolution,” “the Queen Midas of creative community service,” and a “Supergirl of small business PR.” You may have seen her on the front pages of The Los Angeles Tribune (2021 and 2023), The Washington Mail (2021, 2022, and 2023), New York Today (2022 and 2023), The Billionaire's Diary (2017 and 2018), Cosmo Press (2023), Yahoo! Finance India (2020) or the tens of other media outlets that she has been featured in. She is the Founder and CEO of the Calynn Communications & Creative corporation. They own the nonprofit initiative The Fresh Faces Project (est. 2014) that has helped over 800 budding starlets, the Chicago Talent TV (est. 2018) web series that has amassed hundreds of thousands of views, and the online publications The World Times, What’s Good Weekly, Millionaire’s in the Making and Icons in the Now. She’s been critically acclaimed for her influential and impactful work in marketing, media and PR with a resume over a decade long filled with community service, a plethora of successful campaigns with industry giants and countless red carpet photo ops. Some of her accolades include holding four RCCI Academy Awards, Woman of the Year, the National Humanitarian Award, and more, as well as being the former Miss World America Nation 2020 and Miss United States Universe Tourism 2021. Today, we had the chance to sit down with Calynn and discuss the latest updates on her “Living My Best Life Tour” and get some intel on her personal and professional life as an inspiring entrepreneur. Calynn M. Lawrence Overall, how is the “Living My Best Life Tour” going for you? What have you been up to? Life is going pretty good for me! I’ve been doing awesome secularly between all of my entrepreneurial ventures and my day job that I’m enjoying. I’ve been doing well academically as I’m about to graduate with a Social Science degree with honors, before finally starting grad school in a couple of months to get my Masters and doctorate. I’ve been doing well mentally and spiritually through my journey of healing and peace that combines therapy, coaching and a conscious self care routine. And, I’ve been doing well in my personal relationships with my loved ones, family and friends. I’m definitely blessed and I praise God for that, as well as my support system that makes all of these accomplishments possible. If 20 year old me could see me right now, she’d vehemently weep tears of joy. What are some highlights of exciting things that you’ve done this past year? I have so many amazing things to be grateful for that’ve happened within the past year that it’s hard to choose between trips, concerts and events! But, if I had to narrow it down to a couple of them, I’d say that attending private premiere screenings for both “Wakanda Forever (2022)” and “Plane (2023)” alongside two of my besties was great. Also, getting the chance to travel to such fun-filled destinations like New Orleans and Las Vegas for the first time in 2022 and enjoy those experiences with loved ones was fantastic. And, lastly I’d say that hosting the annual Fresh Faces Project Awards ceremony and honoring all of our nominees and royal ambassadors free of charge with no sponsorships, ticket sales or entry fees for the 4th year in a row was super fulfilling. You mentioned that you’ve been sharing in all of these special moments with your “loved ones.” Would that include a significant other? Having been so open in the press, on your blog and social media about searching for your life partner, do you have anyone in your life who could possibly be that? I am not currently in a relationship with anyone, while I am openly getting to know people as I meet them online and in person. Since I am looking for a man to settle down with and hopefully be my last relationship, I’m not willing to commit to someone who isn’t on the same page as me about the important things. As you may have seen when I did my case study for my blog, “2 Years on Every Dating App Taught Me This,” I’ve strategically cast my net very far with an almost brazen honesty for what I seek in a husband. And, while I don’t feel my asks are a lot, I think that guy is worth waiting for if that’s what it takes to have my next love be my forever love. Calynn M. Lawrence You certainly have quite a bit to bring to the table in a relationship. A thriving career, a supportive following, a philanthropic persona and a quite literally nationally awarded congeniality. What would you say is the main thing holding you back from finding your “forever love?” Thank you! I think that one thing that counts against me is my very limited time and energy. Because I’m already stretched pretty thin between my more than full time career and full time school, I don’t have the bandwidth to dedicate hours a day to swiping and reaching out on the apps. So, I rely kind of heavily on people coming to me. Since dating apps are a numbers game and the algorithms reward activity, this makes my chances of having my profile seen by new guys much lower than someone who was actively on the apps daily. Granted, I still get quite the traffic to my profiles. At one point, I had over 10,000 people in my Tinder que and over a few thousand in my ques on various others. But, the reality is that none of that matters unless the man has what I’m looking for and I mutually fit what he’s seeking. I’m not a perfect ten, paper thin, Hollywood illusion and never aspire to be, but I know I’m a good woman who’s real, passionate and loyal. The right man will see that one day.  I’d rather just be single and wait for that right guy than to mindlessly “date, hump and dump” any cute guy who pops up in my feed. I’m searching for my future husband to start or expand a family. I’m not entertaining anything or anyone else, and that’s a promise I made to myself that I’ll never break. That’s great to hear. Keep up the great work being an exemplar that smart, pretty, successful women can be single intentionally and not need the validation of a relationship to feel accomplished or complete. When you do find Mr. Right, we'll be ready to share yours and the lucky fellow’s story with our audience! What are some things you have coming up that you’d like to promote to our readers? Thank you so much! That means a lot to me to be recognized as such, and I’ll certainly be shouting it from the rooftops once this left hand has a ring on it by the right man. As far as upcoming projects, you guys can stay tuned to my social media for updates on a few things I’ll be doing this year. A couple of examples would be the scholarship giveaway that The Fresh Faces Project will be doing soon in honor of my graduation, nominations will be opening in a few months for the next Fresh Faces Project Awards ceremony, my firm (Calynn Communications & Creative) will be offering a KILLER sale of press and media coverage this summer and I’ll be blogging some really interesting content this year that I think a lot of people would love including various international events and my POSSIBLE return to television screens near you. Just search “Calynn M. Lawrence” on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, and Google and you’ll find me. It’s been a true pleasure. To keep up with the adventures of this rising Marketing/PR rockstar, follow her blog www.fashionthunderclap.com Read the full article

[haleyreadsalot]

entry #1

i will start with i'm not much of a writer, you won't find that my sentences are grammatically correct or anything like that. maybe you won't even bother reading anything that i write, and honestly...i don't really care.

i created this blog with the intentions of using it as a creative outlet, a place to spill my thoughts and feelings and excitement and all that comes with the ins and outs of life. of course i enjoy participating in lots of bookish activities like journaling my thoughts and reviews on books, keeping up with monthly tbrs (which i have been crushing lately, as you will soon see!) watching lots of book hauls, reading vlogs, and book shopping vlogs on youtube (maybe too many...but no booktok, i will say i still have not fallen victim to those trends).

the only thing i have found is that i lack a place to be able to actually discuss my love for literature. sure i have many friends that enjoy reading, but no one who really has the same love for it as i do. i could spend entire days curled up in a chair at the library or sitting in my room reading. books are the thing that i use to escape the world around me, a way to throw myself into someone elses life and leave the anxieties of my own behind for a while. i could talk for hours about the characters i have come to love throughout all of the fantastic stories i have read, about all the lessons i have come to learn...

so this is my place. i look forward to sharing my journaling spreads, reviews, current reads, favorites and so so much more!

please feel free to jump in on any discussions, i really would love to use this blog to connect with other readers who love to read as much as i do! (keep in mind that this is no place for hate. any and all opinions should be respected and all discussions should come from a kind place. this is a place of love and light and anyone who cannot maintain that will be blocked.)

just a small introduction, my name is haley! i live in massachusetts and i work as a preschool teacher, i absolutely adore my job. i have a cat named moo and a dog named maggie! some of my other hobbies include hiking, hanging out with my friends (my friends are the best ones you'll ever find), hanging out with the best boyfriend in the whole wide world (his name is danny :) ), getting matcha, spending time with my family, and of course watching That 70's Show. some of my favorite authors are cassaundra clare, holly black, taylor jenkins reid, sarah j maas, jess kidd, and v.e schwab (just to name a few!) and some of my favorite books are Things in Jars, The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, Ready Player One, The Great Gatsby, and The PoetX! (also...just to name a few!!)

lets talk! what's your favorite book and who's your favorite author? :)

[kittyspace]

Wed. 9/28

Trying to keep up with myself today. I’m medicated currently and hoping it lasts through the afternoon.

My partner has their personal therapy appointments on Wednesdays. Usually I’ll just sit in the car happily stoned while messing around on my phone. It’s a change of scenery and I’m truly

Alone.

It’s calming because it’s just me; the white noise of the ac blowing and the idle vibrations of the car. I’m in my most creative headspace.

After their appointment is done we are heading to my doctor’s office to pick up yesterdays paperwork. I don’t know what the next step in the process is, but I’m already exhausted by this effort. I’m not going to shove it away, but I do have a whole month plus to get this sent off.

I can take my time.

I’m unsure of starting a self insert side blog. I grew up basically in the self insert genera. It helped me get through a lot of hard times. But the recoil that a lot of people casted out was ridiculously harsh. I don’t know if I have the urge to even be expressive about who I f/o with. Plus showing them off makes me just…feel a way. Almost like I’m highly insecure and I don’t want my f/os to see????

‘Lol please don’t perceive me, oh god they notice me’

But at the same time the idea of having an outlet like that sounds fantastic. Making cute tags for myself and doing aesthetics for them.

And my partner is versed in waifu/husbandos so it’s not a foreign concept to them. I’m just reaaaaaallly insecure about it. Considering what my brain has decided to latch onto now…

I cannot keep acting blazë about it to myself. I use this to cope. It’s my number one way to disassociate. I’ve been doing it since I was a kid. I’m still doing it as an adult. For fucks sake I’m 32. This isn’t going anywhere. I don’t want it to go anywhere. I love each and every one of them with my heart. And I just want them to know how much I care and wish to comfort/be comforted by them. It’s fun and it feels good to do.

Half my times up already. It feels good being absorbed into something else. Feels nice to feel. That’s not meant to sound as bizarre as it does.

I feel like I really failed at life. Realizing I spent my twenties running myself into the ground for nero typical reasons. Flying on my own handmade wings, higher and higher trying to reach the expectation of myself.

I was going to be healthy. I was going to be an attentive wife. I was going to be the best pet parent on the planet. I would get over my “silly” fear of the outside and people. I would get stronger. I wouldn’t back down.

And down, down I went. My own wings gone. Not from burning or coming apart at the seams. But rejection from my own flesh. And down I continue. Thinking of only why it failed.. I thought I had done everything right.

Then I’m suddenly 30. And the whole dumb mental image that comes with it. I have doctors taking those “silly” fears and handing me back diagnosis. There is a odd breath of relief. Then I’m suddenly thrown into this whole new sense of self.

I’m rambling.

My time is over here shortly.

Maybe I’ll try to do something similar to this every time I come to these appointments. Just ..blah it all out.

[powerovernothing]

Hello to all of my wonderful friends and fantastic readers! This may be a little different from all I have recently uploaded onto my blog, but I am coming to you guys with a little bit of an interest post in regards to something exciting that has been on my mind for quite some time now. It should come to no surprise that the massive storyline involving my Oblivion character Korbin Redd and his relationship with his adoptive siblings has been steadily growing in depth and detail over the years I have been working on it. However, what may be more of a surprise is the fact it has grown so much where I have over seventy stories that I wish to complete in this journey and then ultimately place into an official compilation entitled “Shadow and Flame” rather than “The Knight, The Emperor, And The Assassin” which you might be more familiar with. With every new development, every new story, and even every new small meme or joke post I have created over this long road has brought new readers, new interest, and support that means so much that I surely could never possibly repay. To know there are those out there that actually enjoy my writing and the things I create is something I could have only ever dreamed of having. Perhaps it is because of this very same interest and support that has led me to consider a new type of creative outlet. And thus, today I offer you all a question I would truly enjoy hearing your responses and reactions to! That question being:

“Would you join a personalized server that would be half dedicated to Korbin and his brother’s story and half dedicated to Elder Scrolls related fan content?”

Of course, I am certain most of this is very overwhelming and quite strange, but not to worry! A lot has been in development for a considerable amount of time, and if you wish to see what sort of ideas and events will be apart of this server in a much more coherent list, please feel free to look below:

=A very welcoming and casual space for LGBTQ+ Elder Scrolls fans and content creators to share their creations, original characters, worlds, and more with those who create the same~ =The Elder Scrolls related news and updates from actual games such as ESO but also from popular Mods such as Beyond Skyrim and Skyblivion =Fun events such as Screenshot and Writing Competitions, Question of the Day, Game and Movie Nights, Art and Writing Trades, and Secret Santas~ =TKTEATA related events such as Q&A, FAQ, and Suggestion sessions in both written and Voice Chat form, Writing Games, and Create a Character nights~! =Never before seen works in progress and lengthy writing scenarios based around Korbin and his brothers, early access to content before it gets posted on Tumblr such as full stories, Incorrect Quotes, edited screenshots, cover art, as well as timely updates on all things coming soon, and content based of things that have not been seen outside of Discord such as stories and edits involving my ESO Verse, Modern Verse, The Search for the Razor, The Gardener and The Mad Man, and so, so much more~!

That’s quite a lot of nice looking stuff, wouldn’t you say? There’s a lot more in the works such as fun bots, roles, and an experienced modding team to keep things friendly and enjoyable for everyone, of course, but I think for now this will suffice in the hopes of gaining interest from those who are familiar with my work, my company, or just those who are looking for a nice place to relax when they need it! Also as a side note, while my activity regarding my Tumblr has been extremely lackluster for some time, I am actually more active on Discord than ever. I rarely go a day without interacting in some fashion, and most of my work gets posted there first, as well as times where it actually gets created from chats and suggestions! So, if you ever wanted to witness my creative progress, or just wanted to have a way to interact with me one on one about anything and everything involving my TES work, or just in general, then know that this would be a very good way to do so!

In any case, please feel free to look this post over, let me know what you think by either reblogging or leaving a like, and if there are any questions, suggestions, or those falling  in between, please feel free to message me either here on my Discord -- PowerOverNothing#3480 -- and I will do my very best to answer whatever I possibly can! Thanks so much for reading! And until the next post comes~! ♥

[ruki--mukami]

Just wanted to say that I love you writing style. Not only how you depict Ruki and how you build interactions around him but literally the writing style: the choice of words, the flow of text, how you play with words...

I wish I could create something similar...

🧩 Awwww, Anon, that is so sweet of you. Thank you so much for the kind words from the bottom of my heart. It's messages like these that really help my motivation.

WARNING ⚠ LONG RAMBLINGS AHEAD:

Honestly, I just write Ruki from how I imagine him to be in my head. It's very fun to write for him because he's one of the more "proper" DL boys, not only in his mannerisms but also his way of speech from time to time. He has his moments where he is formal, but then he also has his moments where he loses his temper and drops the proper speech, which I find very fascinating. Interacting with so many intricate OC's who arguably have more development than Ruki himself has also stretched my way of thinking quite a bit. It's thanks to them that I have to imagine him in scenarios I never would've dreamed of, but being the Ruki fanatic that I am, I absolutely love love love seeing him thrown in new situations.

Might I add, it also helps that I'm a native English speaker and I've pretty much been exposed to all kinds of writing styles from birth, so there's that too. I only feel the need to add this since I notice much of the DL community is from all over the world, and most people who do happen to write phenomenal English, despite it not being their mother tongue, have to go out of their way to interact with English material most of the time. Not trying to use this as a bragging point or anything, but I thought it'd be good to disclose that I know the language like the back of my own hand at this point, so it definitely takes me less effort to apply what I learn since it's the only language I know fluently. I also really like to show certain idioms, large vocabulary words, and figures of speech through Ruki as well. He's a smart man, so he's the perfect character for me to practice new words I learn which I am very thankful for.

Another element I find interesting about roleplaying as Ruki is that it allows me much room for artistic liberties with his character. The only content we have for his "English" speech would be translations from the original Japanese script. Other than this, the only official English localization I can think of for DL would be the English dub of the anime, but we don't talk about that fiasco on this blog. In the anime Ruki has a very cold, yet proper demeanor (e.g., "There will be consequences," or "I am mystified by you"—they're kind of "big" ways of talking, if that makes sense?) but here I try to take it a step further.

Aside from DL itself, if I'm being transparent there are also a handful of other characters from other franchises who I take lots of inspiration from when writing for Ruki. Some notable ones who really inspire me are Goro Akechi from Persona 5, and many Fire Emblem characters such as Leo, Berkut, and Hubert. Even King Arthur from Merlin (BBC) has inspired me with his way of speech, haha. As you can see, Ruki really acts like royalty sometimes...

Okay, sorry for the long rambling. I want to wrap this response up by saying: Of course you can create something similar, Anon! Writing is not only something we are forced to learn in school to interact with the real world, but also a creative outlet and hobby for us to express ourselves. Whether it's with Ruki, DL, or even another franchise, I'm sure you can improve your own writing style and create something fantastic. Practice, practice, practice. Don’t forget to take breaks from writing and read a lot too. That's a secondary reason why I run this blog. To practice my own writing and stay in touch with articulating my own thoughts creatively. Since I'm not in school anymore, the only other writing I do outside of this blog is my work emails and direct messages with friends. That's it. Not much room for creativity and thinking outside the box because with those, I am forced to write either professionally or casually. However, thanks to Ruki, I can write things I would never say in real life, hahaha. 🧩

[siriusblacktothefuture]

Alright, I've had a couple of interactions on this blog in the past few weeks that have pushed me to writing this out, so here is my long ass post.

I don't have to justify my very complicated relationship with the Harry Potter franchise to anyone.

Now I'm going to explain my opinion a little because I think maybe it might shed some light on the subject, but I dont have to respond to anything I dont want to. This is just my opinion, my experience, and my personal take. You don't have to agree with me. I dont have to agree with you. I also dont have to debate anything because... no one is entitled to my time or energy. But if a terf tries to step in I will not fucking hesitate to block and report you, so keep that in mind.

So heres the thing; as much as everyone wants this to be a black and white issue, for some of us it's not. If it is for you, that's fantastic! I'm genuinely glad you can pick a side in the arguement and feel comfortable with your opinion. 10/10 for doing your own funky thing, ya know?

And I understand why it can be a black and white issue. Harry Potter is unquestionably a racist, anti-semitic, classist, transphobic, and misogynistic work of literature. It was written by a bigoted person, and her personal beliefs undeniably ripple into the story. I in no way condone those ideologies, and I haven't even financially supported her franchises or works since The Crimes of Grindlewald, because for me, I drew the line at a Korean woman being kept as a pet. JK Rowling has been terrible to so many minority groups, I will never be giving her any form of support again. And if that's the reason you full stop draw the line at Harry Potter content, I don't blame you. Genuinely, I understand and wish you nothing but support, because that's a legitimate argument, okay?

"But how can you say that when you still have a Harry Potter blog"

Because my attachment to the wizarding world helped me work through a lot of personal trauma, lead me to finding a safe queer friendly place to interact, gave me the majority of my friends, and lead me to having a creative outlet for the first time in years. I could go into details, but I wont to keep this consise, so that's the summary. That's my personal reason for starting and continuing to have this blog.

That doesn't excuse the offensive rhetoric in the series by any means. In fact, the majority of my interactions over the past few years have been discussions on why Harry Potter is offensive and how to write proper effective representation into stories. That doesn't change that me and my friends still give attention to the series, even if it leads to no ones financial gain (aside from small fan artists). That doesn't mean that in the past I didn't unflinchingly adore and support JK Rowling and her books, because I did, because I was young and didn't know better.

But heres the thing; I'm a person. I fuck up (quite often). I have to sit and think about what is the most moral choice I could make VERY OFTEN and sometimes I choose wrong. Sometimes what I deem as moral doesnt fit into someone else's definition. Sometimes I have a warped perspective or a flat out bias for certain topics. Things I thought were good and wholesome 5 years ago can turn out to be terrible upon further inspection. Hell, maybe even this post will be something I mess up with. But that's for me to learn from. And getting yelled at by some nameless, faceless person online is not going to help me learn anything. In fact, I'm admittedly a spiteful petty man, so that will probably just lead to me digging my heels in harder.

I have kept this blog because I want the initial community of people to be able to reach out to me if need be and to remember the good times I did have in the past. I am fully aware of the problematic nature of the books. I am fully aware that JK Rowling has directly caused hateful laws to be passed against the community I'm a part of. I know. And I know I'm not the most morally sound person for still interacting with Harry Potter content in 2021. Maybe one day I'll have a change of heart, look back and be disappointed I didnt see things the way people wanted me to see them in this moment. But that's for me to decide.

This is my blog. This is my corner of the internet that I carved out years ago to have fun while not hating myself for being trans, and it was the one place I had I felt comfortable and supported by a group of people. So I'm keeping my blog for that community.

And if that's a problem for you, unfollow and block me; that's okay! Unfollowing or blocking has literally no effect on me or my life, and you deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your own corner of the internet, too

So that's it, thank you for reading any of this

[alexsfictionaddiction]

Review: This Is My Truth by Yasmin Rahman

I’ve heard wonderful things about Yasmin Rahman and I was delighted to be accepted for her latest release on NetGalley. I knew that I’d be in for a difficult, emotional ride but I had no idea how much it would affect me!

On the face of things, Amani’s family seems perfect. Her father is a successful vet with his own TV show, her mother is a gentle, loving woman and her little brother Ismail is the light of Amani’s life. But there is a dark secret that rears its head behind closed doors. Amani’s best friend Huda has been brought up in the care system but she has been in the care of the wonderful Nafisah and Ali for the last four years. But with her foster parents now expecting a baby of their own, Huda is worried about what her future in the changing family will look like. As their GCSEs loom, Huda witnesses Amani’s truth and she promises not to tell anyone as long as Amani helps her learn to be the Perfect Daughter. But then a gossip blog pops up at school. A blog that is gradually revealing the secrets of Year 11 students at Blithe Academy. Who will be next?

Amani spends most of her life trying to escape the horrors of her home. Both school and Huda’s house are places where she knows what to expect and nothing can go majorly wrong. However, she is still worried about her Ammi and Ismail when she’s away from home, so the trauma of her Abbu’s actions never really leaves her mind.

Amani’s relationship with Ismail is really lovely to watch. She knows how to comfort her brother when violence is being rained down on their Ammi and it’s heartwarming that its own creative outlet that makes him happy. There were times during my reading of this book when I was worried that Amani and Ismail wouldn’t be able to stay together and I was willing everything in the universe for things to work out well for them both.

The book also provides an insight into the toxic side of Bengali culture. This explains so much of why Ammi has stayed in her marriage for so long. I think the contrast between Huda’s family and Amani’s shows that this isn’t the case for all Bengalis and that bad people and dangerous ideas exist regardless of faith or community. 

The exploration of misogyny extends into Blithe Academy too. When the Burn Blog revealed that Ezra Fitzgerald has been dating two girls at once, the girls start hating each other and take the flack for the secret being let out. It doesn’t seem to have affected Ezra at all, as he continues to laugh with his friends and retain his popularity status. This is a very real phenomenon that so many women experience on a daily basis, especially when it comes to sex or relationship matters. Girls will and always have been the ones in the wrong and this is a theme that resonates throughout the book across both Amani’s school and home lives.

Amani and Huda’s friendship is exactly the kind of connection that every teenage girl needs. They both recognise each other’s talents, beauty and fantastic true selves and they really need each other to see those things in themselves. They fall out and both say things that they regret. They’re both messy and flawed but I never had any doubts that their friendship could survive their arguments. 

When Mr Voake, Amani’s Media Studies’ teacher, tells her that she has great potential to become a film-maker, she is suddenly filled with a determination to follow her dream. At this point, she still has the heavy shadow of her father’s disapproval hanging over her but I knew that she had the strength and ambition to do what she really wanted to do. I was willing her to see it through and blast through the barriers that had previously been put in her way.

This Is My Truth is a wonderful story of friendship, family and overcoming something as frightening and overwhelming as domestic violence and coercive control. It deals with some very dark, real-world topics while celebrating the wonders of female friendship, sibling relationships and going after your true passions. My heart broke several times and I don’t remember the last time I was this desperate for things to work out well for a set of characters. It’s a highly emotional but important read for anyone who loves honest YA fiction.