#this can't possibly be a normal level of pain from just standing still for a few minutes

[deramin2]

Charts For Assessing Pain And Fatigue

As a person with chronic pain and chronic fatigue, I often find it helpful to use scales to communicate how I'm doing, both for myself to contextualize it and so others have an idea how I'm doing. It's especially helpful for doctors who take you more seriously when you have data.

But I'm really bad at just assessing it in my head, especially consistently. Internalized ableism means I always feel like I'm just being a wimp and I really minimize my pain. So assessment scales that make me look at my behaviors really help break me out of that and be more honest. They also keep me more consistent so the days is more useable.

Both scales in a spreadsheet

Pain Scale

This scale was given to me in a hospital with no indication of where it came from in a really basic badly formatted table. This is my cleaned up version formatted to be saved on a phone or printed.

0 - No Pain - Pain free

2 - Minimal - Pain is barely noticeable; tightness

3 - Mild - Feel a low level of pain entering awareness only when my attention is devoted to it

4 - Uncomfortable - Pain is troubling but can be ignored most of the time; am able to continue activities

5 - Moderate - Moderate pain but no break in activity or concentration; guarded movement patterns

6 - Distracting - Pain is troubling and breaks through concentration but is tolerable; activity level changes.

7 - Distressing - Pain is intense and preoccupies my thinking; can complete tasks but it is difficult and must cease some demanding activities; considering pain medication or other pain reducing agent.

8 - Intense - Severe pain that makes concentration difficult; can do only non-demanding activities; taking pain medication, etc. Can't carry on a conversation well, pacing , etc.

9 - Severe - Cannot concentrate on anything else; sweating, unsteady breathing, can do almost nothing. Can barely talk.

10 - Immobilizing - Excruciating pain, constant; unable to move.

Fatigue Scale

This was floating around Tumblr in the colorful version. I can't print it, I can't read it with the colors when I'm tired, and I wanted the scales to normalized going the same direction so here's my formatting version:

0 - Not tired at all.

1 - Slightly tired, but still able to carry on as normal with little to no difficulty.

2 - Finding everything more effort than usual, but still able to carry on.

3 - Tiredness makes it hard to enjoy activities that are usually fun, but still able to work or study (with some difficulty).

4 - Possibly able to do some work or studying, depending on how much effort it takes. May choose to work or study from home. Avoiding activities that take a lot of energy.

5 - Mostly unable to work or study (except low effort tasks that can be done from home) can go out (for example to buy food) but only if essential.

6 - Too tired to go out, but still able to move around the house and do activities that require little energy and focus. Preparing a meal is difficult. Can't work or study.

7 - Doesn't need to lie down and can walk around the house, but can't stand for more than a few minutes without resting. Finding it hard to eat some foods. Can't focus on anything easily.

8 - Able to sit up for a while and walk around the house if absolutely necessary. Unable to eat most food. Holding a conversation is difficult.

9 - Able to sit up for a short time and can walk short distances (with difficulty), e.g. to get a drink or go to the toilet. Can't eat.

10 - Can barely sit up. Needs assistance getting out of bed.

Sources

I don't know where either of these came from originally or who to credit, but I'd like to. (Normally I wouldn't repost people's work but the public benefit here outweighs those concerns for me.) Please reblog if you do and I'll edit it in. I just want them available to more disabled people.

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook: Unsettled 🔞

In which Jungkook just can't go on like this.

Tags/Warnings: still angsty af wtf, idol!Jungkook, flashback, smut with feelings, why do I torture myself with this, sensual smut oop, mentioned size difference, it's not smut-focused though

!This belongs to 'Restless' but can be read on his own. Some things might not make sense though lol.

Length: Idk man, mid?

A/N: I like suffering.

-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶--⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-

He knows it's wrong.

He knows that even if you tell him it won't, it will definitely change something between you both. If not for you, then definitely for him. Because the way you touch him makes him delusional, makes him think that this might be some romantic movie where at the end of all this, you'll confess your love and live happily ever after.

But that's not what's going to happen.

And he's painfully aware of this.

You're friends, and that alone could already cause chaos if found out by the public. You? A random person he'd met years ago, who's neither a celebrity nor involved in the scene at all? You're no fit for him, from a professional standpoint. Nothing visually outstanding, no groundbreaking achievements in life, just a normal person.

No fit for him. He knows this.

And yet he's given in, and there's no backing out now. His hands are already underneath your shirt, exploring your warm skin he hopefully soon will get to see as well. It's like he's taking the first hit of a drug he knows he's already doomed to instantly become addicted to.

He can't stop.

Not when every time he let's himself go with you, he feels as if he's thrown into a different dimension, like a lucid dream where time doesn't matter, and feelings swallow him whole. You're the cause of his heartache, and yet he chooses you over anything else that would hurt less.

"I can't-" it's something he says often, especially to you. You're sure there's thoughts jn his head that he's not comfortable enough to share with you, and it enables your delusions of him possibly devoting himself to you like someone buying an addict their drugs. It's wrong, on every level, but understandable, because no one likes tk watch pain unfold like that.

He's slow this time, seems to drag it out. You're both naked, very much so, but he's more focused on you than anything else it seems. His inked hand between your legs cramps up after a while, so he instead falls onto his stomach before dragging you closer by your thighs. You laugh for a second at the anger on his face as he has to push the sheets away from your entrance.

He's loosing this, whatever it is. Himself, you, everything- he's loosing control over this entire situation.

The company doesn't know how involved he is with you. If they did, he'd surely get more than just a scolding, he knows the consequences from the things that had happened to other members in the past. Namjoon's girlfriend being slapped with an NDA and consequential breakup resulting from it, Jin's constant fights because he never breaks and never backs down. He protects, he's bold, he's chosen to fight for his partner as much as he has to.

But Jungkook isn't Jin. He's scared, of the consequences, of what would happen to you. Or maybe it's simply possessiveness? Selfishness? Maybe he just can't stand the thought of you being with someone else.

Your first wave of pleasure hits you surprisingly softly, making him part from you before he wipes his mouth with his inked arm. There's a tiny artwork in between all of them. Small, random, even to you- but that's because he will probably never confess that it's for you.

When he had it done he'd laughed to himself, because it had hurt. Badly so. But it could never compare to what he feels with every kiss you grant him. What he feels whenever he wonders when you'll find someone better.

He sucks and bites his marks into your skin angrily at that, desperate as his mind unravels scenario after scenario of you squirming like this for another man, another woman. It doesn't matter to him.

He wants you. And he wants you to want him too.

Your hands run over his arms like he's made of glass, and he doesn't know why that makes him feel funny. You always treat him so delicately even though he's anything but. He's a man, muscles toned, body towering over you, and yet you're always so gentle.

When you help him tie his hair to get it out his face, you never pull the hairtie too close to his scalp, because you now it gives him a headache. You don't use perfume but a softer scent that smells like flowers and vanilla because it makes him nauseous if something smells too strong. You know him, so so well, and it hurts, because he knows if you were his, he'd get to feel these things all the time.

The moment he pushes himself inside you, he knows he won't last long this time. Not because of the agonizingly long foreplay, or the whimpers of pleasure falling from your lips, but because he simply can't go on like this.

He's made his choice. And tonight, he will be selfish one last time.

For real.

He's slow, sensual, tastes your skin to imprint it into his mind. He'd taken a picture of you with his dog last time, sneakily so, because you don't like having images taken. His phone could be hacked any second of the day, exposing him and you in the process.

You're not worried for yourself. But for him.

At a certain point, you hold onto him a little tighter than usual, and your warm arms barely reaching over his back break him like a rotten tree.

"I love you."

It's muffled into your skin, barely distinguishable from the creaking of the bed and his kisses close to your ear, but you hear it, and it freezes your blood. "Jungk-"

"I can't do this." he breaks, keeping his momentum, desperate as his angry tears dampen your shoulder. "I don't want this anymore.!" he presses out in frustration.

He says all of this, and yet he still continues.

It's like how he won't wash his clothes until you've hugged a different shirt of his so he can keep a trace of you whenever you're gone. Or how he rather hugs his blankets after you've slept over just to at least pretend for a second that you're there.

His orgasm is bittersweet. Unsatisfying because of himself punishing his own body. He's not allowing himself to enjoy any of it.

You leave after catching your breath, light of his bathroom bleeding into the bedroom, showing the mess that's on his sheets, equal to what's going on inside of him. He can hear you get ready again, washing yourself before you walk out-

Still naked?

"Come on, you'll catch a cold like that." you quietly say, pulling at his hand to drag him into the bathroom as well. He's like a child, stubborn, doesn't want it to end yet. He doesn't care if his thoughts are disgusting, but he doesn't want to wash anything off. He wants to stay like this, with you, forever. Have you ever held his hand before? He can't remember.

Why are you holding it now when he want to let you go?

While he's busy showering in shame, you pull the sheets off and search in his closet for new ones. It's a little odd for you to do this, but it feels right at the same time. You don't like seeing him hurt like this. Maybe tonight is just a bad night for him.

You've always been like that. Expecting the worst, hoping for the bad. That way, you rarely ever get disappointed in the outcome.

When he's back out you're at least wearing panties, back turned towards him as you zip the blanket covers shut. "I'm sorry." he apologizes quietly, watching you simply hum at that.

You're not sure what he's sorry for. Meeting you? Letting you in? Befriending you? Fucking you? Or maybe just breaking your heart?

It doesn't matter, because he himself doesn't know it either.

"I'm sorry too." you say suddenly, and he watches your bare back move around as you put the sheets in the hamper close by. "I shouldn't have agreed in the first place." you mumble, and he sighs, picking up his discarded shirt before he pulls it over your head.

"you'll catch a cold like this." he copies your words, and you push your lips together in a straight line while he helps your arms through the designated holes of the shirt.

"Do you regret it?" you wonder, looking down from his apartment window.

"no." he answers far too quickly. "I just feel... Guilty. Every time." he confesses.

"how so?" you wonder. This is oddly the most you've talked in weeks. Months even.

"I feel like I'm wasting your time." Jungkook somberly explains. "Time you could spend meeting someone who's going to be good to you. Treat you well." he offers.

"Honestly, you're right. It was wasted time." you nod. "But I was happy, you know? At least for a moment."

His eyes sting again. He doesn't want this.

"I'm glad." he simply says, unable to get anything else out as his throat closes.

"I heard it, by the way." you tell him. "your 'I love you'." you say. He sighs.

"I didn't mean to.." he shapely admits. "but I couldn't hold it in. I.. Wanted to say it at least once to you."

"hmm." you hum. "I love you too." you tilt your head to the side, hugging yourself while he stands next to you with a bit of distance. "felt nice saying that. You know, at least once."

He nods. It's true- at least you've said it once. And he feels a bit lighter knowing that he shares the pain, as harsh as it sounds.

"imagine what would happen if the people down there knew what we'd been up to this past year." you chuckle, watching the people small like ants down on the ground. "I wonder this every time I leave, you know? Whenever I walk past someone. What would they do if they knew?" you softly say, and suddenly, his tears dry before they can fall.

They don't know.

They don't know.

"But they don't know." he says out loud.

"they don't." you repeat.

Slowly, with the company of his dog's tapping feet in the living room somewhere and the cars down beneath your feet, he walks behind you, pulls you into his front, his arms around you.

"you'll get hurt, Jungkook." you remind him.

"nothing can hurt me more than not having you." he simply says, resting his forehead in the crook of your neck.

"is that your post-nut-clarity speaking?" you joke, and he pinches your sides at that, earning a laugh from you as you squirm in his arms, his dog eagerly barking at the excitement suddenly bubbling.

"no, that's ny poor heart scolding you!" he responds, turning you around in his embrace, still not letting you go.

"oh no. Is there anything I can do to fix it?" you wonder.

"stay the night?" he asks with hopeful eyes.

"just tonight? Easy." you nod.

"no, forever." he adds, gaze a bit mor serious. "for as long as we can."

You know you can't say yes. You know there is no forever for you.

And yet you lean in, kiss his lips.

"okay."

-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶--⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-⊶-

[alexandraisyes]

A small ramble about Eclipse's therapy

Okay, so this is all copy-pasted from Discord where I was going through it minute by agonizing minute and just rambling my little heart out

This episode. Specifically this one. Ramble under cut.

Reminders before I talk about this! Eclipse is confirmed to have ASPD in canon. I also have ASPD. I do know things on that topic because of this unfortunate fact. For some in-depth things on Eclipse's sociopathy, I suggest popping over to these two analyses! Eclipse Is a Sociopath - Traits of ASPD

Eclipse obviously doesn't even want to be here, we know this from the very start when Moon is literally shoving him to get him into the room

Eclipse attempts (and fails) to intimidate both Moon and Solar. First with the comment about Lunar, which was meant to get under Moon's skin but when he didn't get a reaction he brushed it off with a 'whatever'. Next with the stand-off with Solar "Name is Solar" Technically correct, as we know from earlier episodes that his name is "Solar Eclipse" and Lunar is "Lunar Eclipse" The 'eclipse brothers' (Which is only further supported by the fact that a blood moon is a type of eclipse) Of course, we all know this was not the answer Solar was wanting. (Solar gets his own petty revenge by dragging the process out. Moon also gets petty revenge by mocking Eclipse. This is honestly a good reminder that they all came from the same base personality.)

Eclipse was flabbergasted. Absolutely gobsmacked. Shook When Moon told him upfront that he does need therapy. I think this stems partly from the fact that this is Moon and Moon has never tried to do something that would benefit Eclipse And then just being told what he already knows by someone else probably caught him off guard. He doesn't want to go to therapy because he thinks that therapy means he is weak. We already know how Eclipse feels about being weak and needing to rely on others for literally anything. We see this on a lesser extent with Solar who doesn't ask for anything because he doesn't want to be seen as a burden.

I do think it's important that he calls Solar the 'inferior version' right after calling him the 'better version' of himself. He called Solar better than him and then immediately change his words. Possibly because he can't stand the fact that Solar actually is better than him. Not necessarily in what one thinks of when we do comparisons like that, but more of Solar's more stable than Eclipse. He has a family to lean back on. . . unlike Eclipse. The one person that Eclipse cared about (at one point but now claims to hate) now hates Eclipse but loves Solar, which is just. . . another version of Eclipse. And that knowledge has to be painful, even for Eclipse.

It's also possible that Eclipse actually does think that Solar is inferior due to the common mindset that socio/psychopaths tend to have about 'normal people' around them. We pity people on a superficial level for being held back by fickle things like emotions and guilt, while also blatantly ignoring our own issues that make our own lives 582390458234098x harder due to the packaged deal that is ASPD

(To briefly summarize the "package deal" - along with socio/psychopathy toss in Anxiety Disorders, Paranoia, Dissociation/Derealization Issues, PTSD, ADHD/ADHD-symptoms, and Depression)

Back to the analysis

Eclipse immediately starts to mock Earth's office. He tends to mock Earth a lot in the past, because she's a very reactive character. It also used to be a lot easier to make her insecure. Someone who is insecure isn't going to press a hostile party for conversation/information.

Earth, like the girl-boss she is, calls him out. Kudos to Earth

Okay let's step back from Eclipse a second because MOON This is probably the worst possible timing for him to bring Eclipse in for a therapy appointment and he knows it and even though Earth says it's fine he's still apologizing and genuinely sorry and I think that's a huge step from how he was falling apart a little bit ago and slipping back into what Old Moon was Moon's also always had a soft spot for Earth (Big brother syndrome except Moon is technically the youngest sibling)

Okay back to Eclipse. After a failed attempt to get under Earth's skin he goes for Moon again. The man really do be flabbergasted that the two most reactive people he knows aren't giving him the reaction he wants.

And then back to Earth. He honestly spends the first bit just trying to get a reaction out of everyone because that's what he's good at. He's exasperated when Earth starts asking him questions, and gives her his normal sarcastic a-hole response. He's purposefully unnerving and trying to make both Earth and Moon uncomfortable because he doesn't want to be there.

He skirts around the abandonment question, which just lets everyone in the room know that he does indeed feel abandoned. He deflects the question honestly horribly in my opinion. "Abandoned, why would I feel abandoned?" Proceeds to list off reasons that he would feel abandoned but phrases them as questions. Sir? Try harder.

Moon plays a common tactic when dealing with unwilling peoples. "The sooner you play along the sooner you can leave." Common courtroom/interrogation tactic. Gives a goal to work toward while also implying that they're willing to stick around for as long as the person in the room is willing to bullcrap them. This may be a familiar tactic to the audience because parents love using this when teens are lying to them. So do teachers. "Just tell us what we want to hear and then we can be done. But if you sit here in silence then I'll sit here in silence with you."

Reminds me of parole. A lot of people who've gotten in trouble with the powers that be are required to participate in active therapy if they want to get out of a heavier charge. It's a common requirement of plea deals

Watch me ramble Back on track

Plsplspls and then Eclipse says the same thing I FORGOT HE SAID IT CUT ME SOME SLACK IM TYPING AS I WATCH THIS FOR THE SECOND TIME ITS BEEN A WHOLE DAY I've got the adhd my memory is not that good sir

I'm only 6 minutes in are you bored yet

Earth does irritate him by making assumptions about him that are wrong. It's a small blow to the pride. He's not acting like he doesn't care, he just doesn't care. And then he just starts bullcrapping so I'm gonna call him out on his bullcrap

He didn't just care about the star

Someone who doesn't care isn't going to be hurt by rejection so lets go over the list

Getting back to Moon. Remerging their code which is where he felt like he was supposed to be. Moon shoved him away, rejected him, and that made him upset

Lunar. Lunar wasn't just a means to an end because Lunar had just the right traits, the right level of whatever to make Eclipse care about him. Think of it like this. Eclipse was barely offended by Bloodmoon attacking him and ditching him. But he went out of his way to blow Lunar up because Lunar, in his eyes, betrayed him

The star to an extent. He cared less about the star itself and more about being able to make a world perfect for him and those around him. He was a Lawful Evil type back then (Dances in DnD language)

Eh that's honestly all I can think of off the top of my head. I'd argue he also cared about Sun to an extent because he used to be Moon, but probably not as much these days lol But yeah CUT THE CRAP ECLIPSE GRRR WHOO LOW SELF ESTEEM "You'd all just immediately try to find a way to kill me" He really do think that everyone would just go out of their way to kill him even if he was existing peacefully. He's half right

Sun didn't really want anything to do with it. Solar was just going along with it because Moon's his best friend (and Solar himself is insecure whoo). Earth isn't confrontational. Ruin (who probably brought eclipse back, btw where did he disappear to we haven't seen that cockroach for a while) didn't hop on the kill Eclipse train until after he was 'kidnapped', and we all know how sus that was. Lunar, yeah, but that's Lunar. Moon also was immediately like "omg kill this guy" but also, that's just Moon. Like I have talked about how self-centered those two are before, haven't I? Monty also wanted to kill Eclipse on sight but he's literally worse than Moon so he don't really count. Monty is literally an awful person who is only semi-decent because of Earth

Eclipse describes his death to Earth as if she wasn't literally there. Again. Reactions. As well as the weird complinsult which she has no idea how to process. Is it an insult? Is it a compliment? It's both honey. It's both. Take it or leave it. Once again frustration and insecurity at the lack of control Eclipse has ove everything. From being monitored, to being brought back, to literally being in a brand new body that he had no say in. The physical lack of control bleeds into the mentality that he has no control over anything, including his own thoughts and emotions. And what's sad is it's kind of true. . . he can't even control his own actions some of the time because of the directives. That just makes him feel paranoid and hopeless, and while he doesn't say it explicitly, it shows. He doesn't think he can change in his mentality because he can't change anything else around him either. That's part of why he thinks therapy is pointless.

10:30 This is where I argue he takes off his metaphorical mask. Not because he trusts Earth, but he's trying to see where her breaking point is. She's been patient and kind and making an attempt to be understanding and it's curious because no one has ever just sat there and asked him questions and let him ramble. He's trying to make her uncomfortable still, but he's also curious. This is a button that has never been presented to him before, how many times can he press it before it's taken away from him. At first he's thinking about his answers, calculating his responses, but it feels honest.

12:20 And then he realized that he was getting ahead of himself and that he was just rambling because he's never had someone to talk to and he stops. Whether it's because it's something he doesn't want her to know, or Moon to know, or it's just something he isn't ready to say out loud yet, he changes topics.

And then he's back to deflecting and getting the focus off of him and poking at Earth again

(Side note: Earth calls him an idiot in a roundabout way and it made me giggle both times watching it)

"You would take more pride in-" Pauses video Gestures frantically PRIDE UGH THE FALLING POINT OF A SOCIOPATH IS OUR PRIDE Yes he would take more pride in it being about information gathering. He'd probably be more complicit if it were for that purpose instead of 'inner healing' because going to therapy is a BLOW TO HIS PRIDE IM Ignore me as I go insane Presses play

Eclipse breaking the fourth wall like-

He's very cynical about the idea of trust and it's because the few times he put his trust in someone/thing it's failed him. AND THEN MORE DEFLECTION ECLIPSE PLEASE- Just stay on topic I'm begging you I know it's hard but LET ME HARVEST YOUR BRAIN MAN STOP DEFLECTING

He's so gobsmacked when Earth claims that we aren't defined by who makes us. Which must be hard to hear for Eclipse because for a while there his entire identity was defined by the fact that he was made by Moon and left behind.

He presses Earth for further detail about this and it makes me wonder if this was the first time he's ever heard or conceptualized this

It's fun to hear Eclipse (I think for the first time) finally verbally disown Sun and Moon. "I don't care to make it right anymore. They've cast their stone and now I'm stuck in my own ship." AKA They had their chance to give him a chance time and time again and each time they shunned him. Why would you go back to someone who has only caused you pain? Eclipse is in a similar situation with Sun/Moon that Lunar is in with him. Part of him wants to be back with them because he was made from them, they will always be part of him just how Eclipse will always be part of Lunar. Violence begets more violence.

I do think it's interesting how Eclipse doesn't acknowledge that he blew up Lunar and it's probably because he didn't blow up Lunar. The Eclipse before him did. Just like how Moon didn't reject him, the Moon before did. (I'll come back to that later)

Earth has to point out that Lunar got ka-boomed and then Eclipse laughs "Oh yes, I did, right." Because, again, he didn't. The Eclipse before him did. It feels like he's trying to avoid taking accountability for that (and good on him because he's technically innocent it's not his fault he has the corrupted memories of a dead man)

HOWEVER ON THAT NOTE

It does feel like with every day that passes by those memories become more of who he is now, and he's slowly accepting them as part of his own identity because he's kind of stuck with them. If you woke up in a random place and someone handed you a broom and said 'you're bob the janitor' and that's all you knew you'd probably believe it (/ref)

(If someone gets that reference I will love you forever)

"Do you really. . . not care about him?" - Earth Eclipse: Doesn't answer the question, answers a question with a question which is DEFLECTING

Sir? You do too still care don't you?

"It's kind of hard to empathize with you" - Earth Me: Runs up chat to grab something

"a normal person cannot relate to a sociopath because our life experiences are so vastly different. You (general you) will never be able to understand what it’s like to be physically unable to care about someone to the point that it hurts because you want to care. And a socio/psychopath will never be able to understand on a visceral level what it’s like to be able to connect with another person or be able to feel things all the time or to do the right thing simply because something compels you to and not because you had to ask yourself “is this morally good or bad behavior” because you just know" - Me four days ago

Do find it interesting how Eclipse has no comment when Earth says he doesn't like her He probably likes her just fine, if I'm being honest. Probably likes her more than most other characters. He's just kinda a jerk and likes to press her buttons because it's funny

When she does manage to hit something right on the nail "It must be scary, right?" And "You just never have a sense of control" He makes a kinda-joke "Are we just going to keep talking about how sad we are" to change the topic AND SHE LAUGHED SHE LAUGHED AT HIS JOKE 👑 Ma'am you dropped this

I do personally Eclipse's sense of humor because it's pretty on point with my own, but I also really enjoy people being uncomfortable with it as well because that's half the fun. So I'm getting a small amount of dark enjoyment of Earth being uncomfortable at the boom joke

((Earth did awesome considering the circumstances. I can respect the fact that she is communicating her own emotional and mental needs even while dealing with someone who's not exactly pleasant for the general populace. She's gotten a lot better at setting boundaries))

Eclipse walks out because he's irritated with Moon. It's a power play. "I may have been forced to be here, but you can't make me sit and listen to you." He honestly had no idea what Moon would have said at the moment, and I also don't think that it would have been the best timing for Moon to drop that on him. They need a calm environment where neither of them is worked up to start touching that topic. Also MOON He's apologizing for something that isn't even his fault and while I can respect that, I almost wish he wasn't taking the blame for something a past self did. Just like how Eclipse is trying not to take accountability for what dead-man Eclipse did. They're two people who have been hurt by the actions of their predecessors and are playing out a game that was set into motion long long before their time. Now the only question that remains is who is Romeo and who is Juliet

Anyway that was the episode

Am taking inquiries and demands as well as bounties for my head

[fallenwhumpee]

“You don’t want to do that.”

June 1: Collapse | Locked Door | Fear • Masterlist •

Warnings: Captivity, Superpower whump, Creepy whumper, syringe, referenced torture.

Leader jerked awake, still feeling the last hit at their neck. Normally, they would not do that. They knew better than doing anything in the enemy territory before picking up their surroundings, but they were feeling too tired to resist their body.

They waited until the pain faded to a tolerable degree. They were in a cell, with only a door and basic bathroom present. The door was like a metal block rather than bars.

They were probably at one of the detonation cells at the lower levels of the abandoned jail, specifically designed for people with superpowers.

They sighed, cursing the location choice, and stood up.

They collapsed back to the cot, dizziness washing over them.

They struggled to keep themselves upright even while sitting. Their head was spinning, and dark spots were dancing around their vision. They took deep breaths, or at least tried, but the air filling their lungs was never enough, and their chest was too heavy.

They stood up again, trying to push through with their willpower just like they always did when everything else failed.

"You don't want to do that." Whumper's voice filled the speakers.

They ignored Whumper and limped towards the door. Testing it with their heavy limbs, they threw themselves at the door once. It should've broken under their strength. The cell shouldn't have affected them because, unlike the other superhumans, their power was coming from sheer potential and hard work to fill their potential. But they felt so weak. The door was locked and harder than they could handle, just perfect. They tumbled with the impact, hitting their back to the floor.

They rose back to their feet, limbs trembling as they tried to stay on foot.

"Wha- what h-have you done t-to me?" They stuttered as they couldnt breathe, their body too heavy to carry.

"Always stubborn. I told you that you didn't want to do that," Whumper sounded like they were enjoying this. "I just modified the cell. Instead of preventing you from using your powers, the cell will drain them." Whumper explained, delight clear in their voice.

"But you're looking well, and I can't have you bumping yourself into the door every time. I need to find a way to increase the power." They stopped, and Leader gritted their teeth. "I didn't need that before. You never fail to amaze me, my dear Leader."

Leader trembled. Whumper never failed to creep them out. They held themselves together for some more, but something began to howl. It was probably a generator.

Leader, as if that was possible, felt worse than before. They gasped and clutched the side of the cot as they felt their knees buckle beneath them. They tried to stay awake, but thinking was too hard, keeping their eyes open too tiring. They leaned their head to the cold edges of the cot, hoping to get enough strength to straighten themselves.

They fell to the ground completely, not aware of the time or anything happenings around them.

They certainly didn't remember climbing back to the cot. They groaned, their whole body was achy and sore. They felt too heavy, their limbs not cooperating as they tried to move.

"One hour. You held longer than the others."

They flinched. Whumper was standing right beside them, holding their right wrist with one hand and a syringe with the other.

"You woke up quite later than the most, though, but you're still better if we consider you nearly got your whole life essence drained, not just weakened."

They struggled against Whumper's hold, but Whumper just kept pressuring their wrist, and they screamed with a loud crack. They trashed, pain calming down momentarily when Whumper let go of their hand and held their palm over Leader’s wrist.

Then, it burned. Leader could feel their bones melt back into one.

But before they could let out the painful cry bubbling under their skin, Whumper hit their chest, a yelp escaping with the pressure.

"Save your lovely screams for your team now, I wouldn't enjoy it if you kept defying me like the last time."

"Looking from the good side, I will get to practice my healing powers and on a perfect subject, no less!" Whumper's voice hitched with joy towards the end.

"In your dreams." Leader spat, less sure than they wanted to sound, but not felt.

Leader's breaths faltered.

"You're excited too. That's good. But I want to be a bit more... experimental this time."

Fear burned their veins before the unknown liquid in the syringe.

[greenlightbulbonawire]

Misfits (yeah like the Arcane song)

VIII.

___________________________________________________

Author's note: I'm posting this in class, after almost failing two exams and instead of preparing for another one, so everyone say thank you Lightbulb :] xoxo

Seventh chapter

Masterlist

___________________________________________________

You awoke, blinded by what you presumed to be a bag over your head and your arms were restricted by chains. Your body ached as you recalled the events of yesterday, although you weren't sure if today was tomorrow actually. You struggled against the chains a little, but to no avail. You tried to stand up, but your position made that impossible, so you just gave up and spread your legs.

A sudden gust of wind notified you that someone opened the door, but you already knew that, thanks to the creaking that came first. You turned your blinded face towards the noise. Footsteps suggested that the someone was approaching you, yet they stopped few paces in front of you. Then the door flew shut with a loud bang.

The bag that blinded you was torn off your head and chucked to a side.

"Let's have a chat."

The same distorted voice, that was the last thing you heard before blacking out, commanded you. It intimidated you, but you couldn't afford to let them know that. You furrowed your brows and painted your face with a hard expression.

"About what?"

You said, a hint of resentment in your tone. The masked figure turned their 'face' towards you, eyeing your soul, even through the mask.

"Watch the tone."

The person snapped at you, and crouched down to your level. Their gloved hand took your chin and turned your face from side to side. Normally, you'd retort back if someone did something like that to you, but something told you that that wouldn't be the smartest choice, considering that you still were chained.

"What were you doing on that ship?"

The owl mask asked you and let your chin go, you just stared at them with a pissed off face. When you didn't reply, the person sighed and shook their head.

"Don't make this harder that it has to be."

They warned you, possibly trying to scare you, and it worked, but again, you didn't let it show. A scoff escaped your lips.

"Why should I tell my personal information to someone who's scared to show their fucking face? What, are you ugly or somethin'?"

You layed into them, and raised one eyebrow.

Hissing noise filled the quiet room as you waited for an answer, the figure lowered their hand from the back of their neck and used their other one to take the mask off, and put it down, before standing up and looking down on you. The figure, no, correction, a man, no, another correction, a boy with dark skin and white hour glass painting on his nose, accompanied by white dreads loomed over you, returning the same pissed off face.

"Why were you on that ship?"

He repeated. Well, there wasn't much you could pick at now.

"Kinda a long story actually."

You simply shrugged, not brothering to explain further yet.

The boy started to circle you, you didn't bother to turn your head to keep your eyes on him.

"Make it short then."

"Why should I?"

"Maybe, 'cause if you don't, I'll beat the shit outta you?"

"Please, as if. You're like a dog. You bark but don't bi-"

Your sentence was cut off by a kick to the face. It took a second for the pain to set in, but it was nothing you haven't felt before, Vi's training was actually paying off. You spat blood out of your mouth.

"Okay. You proved me wrong. Congrats, now I feel even less inclined to 'have a chat with you'."

You narrated your thoughts.

"Start talking."

You scoffed and shook your head. Maybe it was for the best to cooperate.

"Fine."

You growled at him, scrunching your face as the word left your mouth.

"For the last time, what were you doing on that ship?"

"If you need to know so desperately,"

You really had to stop being such a smartass.

"I was there to get a hold of certain group of people. Although I can't begin to imagine that you'd know about them"

"Who? Silco's men?"

"Silc- no! They're called Firelights, and for your inform.... What? Why are you laughing at me??"

"You do realise you're talking to the leader of them right?"

[stevebabey]

You don't have to answer this I'm just gonna bitch in your inbox about the x reader post you made because I felt this in my bones.

Like you really can't go in the tag for quality stuff lately. Everything is about sex. I'm not a prude. I read occasionally stuff, but omg, not everything has to be like this. Sometimes stories begin hopeful, but they end the same way. I'm just sick of it because it's all there is. And because it's so oversaturated, "normal" fics don't stand a chance because people don't click on that anymore. So yeah, as a creator, if I wanna get attention for my work, of course, I will produce stuff that people will read.

Also what you said about minors, how are they supposed to interact with fics if everything is porn.

In general, people are sooo fixated on "spicy" content. On tiktok, all people read is smut, or they can't handle other stuff. Literally, smut destroyed their brains. How is it any different than guys having a porn addiction?

Also, the tumblr tagging and searching functions are shit. I wanna find new fics from like 2020 or 2021 (before s4 bc I miss those vibes). When you go to the popular tag thing, the earliest you get is 2022. Like tumblr needs to fix that, so content from years ago can still be found. People also need to start tagging accordingly. It's such a pain.

Again sorry for the rant.

HOHOHOHOHO NO APOLOGIES NEEDED NONNIE i love having a bitch and being on my hater shit and i think more people than you might think agree with all of this + its a whole buncha opinions under the cut u have been warned

to some degree to decrease in quality fics will be due to the lull between seasons which always happens- some of the fantastic writers move onto other obsessions for the mean time and truly, i can't fault them for that.

but yet somehow i know it's more than just that - a smut piece will get more attention and notes regardless of the quality of the fic. it's so tough to complain about cos like sigh its all free writing produced by someone so to moan and bitch about stuff getting more attention than others is like. not very nice and being hypercritical but also

not everyone wants to read smut!! and its fuckin everywhere!! wouldn't it be darling if there could simply be a tag that was smut free but noooooo every post gets tagged with as many fuckin things as possible for 'reach' which is the stupidest fucking thing i've ever heard before

and ur absolutely right, because of it fics with no smut get drowned before they get a chance to get noticed. and sorry to say it, but its very rarely that i've read a fluff piece and been like ah, that seemed like it was just thrown together like no its always crafted to some degree- but i cannot say the same for smut in the least. again, often u can mentally sub in different characters and the fic still works which to me = bad writing (if its a steve fic i shouldn't be able to slot in eddie and have it work? ok cos then its not a STEVE fic its just a porn fantasy which is like fine but GOD this is a whole nother can of worms but if u just write smut and then cycle thru joe keery characters its like half a step from writing rpf cos its obvious u just think he's a hot guy and not so much into his characters 😭 maybe im being autistic levels of protective over my lil guy but i also think im right lmao)

and ough trying to write for an audience is so hard, its a vicious cycle of: wants to produce content ppl will read and interact with -> doesn't enjoy writing it as much -> writing isn't as good as u know it could be -> if it flops for whatever reason u feel like asshole. anon babey please dear god write the ideas you want to <3 i can promise you they will be 100x better than trying to cater to an invisible audience ! ppl follow you for your writing !!! and feel free to tag me!!!! i always want to read good steve x reader fics!!! (i just can't be assed hunting them down half the time)

the minors thing is just. god its - i remember hearing the phrase 'virgins write the best smut' and it was when i was 14 and now im like god don't say that they write like porn cos they have fuck all idea what they're talking about. i read so much fanfic when i was 12 years old and what u said is so true, it just used to sneak up in stories and ruin things. its the internet tho so its impossible to truly moderate

omg ur tiktok comment so fucking true babe. when smut is prioritized over plot, u can tell and so many of the booktok rec's they have are just that. there are ways to write smut and have it still be a story. there's also ways to write pwp and still craft it and yet, u dont see that often. also what happened to being excited when two bitches hold HANDS??? AND KISS FOR THE FIRST TIME?? it's appalling the way they thirst for that content but write their captions like "and they have s3x!!! and f@&k in the bathroom hehehe" like what. its such sanitized and shit content honestly

god ur so right i hadn't even thought about hunting down old fics - and it would make such a difference if you could do that because otherwise SO much weighs on when u post it and if it shows in tags and yada yada

this is so much omg u don't have to read all that but genuinely the reason i started writing more steddie and less x reader is the difference in reception and general support. i dont feel like i'm competing against my mutuals, but more like we're here to just hoot and hollar at each other and unless u have a tight knit group of friends on here, u don't get that on x reader fics ://

[aphantasicheadspace]

do you have advice for making an innerworld when absolutely zero visualisation is possible?

i can't use any senses because the best i can do is weird pseudo-proprioception? y'know that trait some animals like dogs or insects have where movement is easier to see than still objects, yeah like that but i don't actually see anything

even then i can only imagine one thing moving at a time, imagining taking a single step would mean constantly flicking between my thighs, lower legs and feet as if watching an unfinished animation where some frames are missing limbs, which is a headache and a half and would mean having more than one system member present is either impossible or too difficult for me to want to bother

Hi!

So it's seems like you've explored a lot of other senses and found the imaginative side of those lacking as well. That you have some level of proprioception is something you might build on. Normally we would suggest trying to build on that, but if they're causing headaches, well then that's not great and it might not be worth exploring.

However, you may try to explore it without movement. We teleoprt a lot around headspace. Instead of imagining what every limb feels like as we walk around, we jump to imagining what our body feels like in different sitting, lying, or standing positions. And we don't try to focus on all parts at the same time. Usually spending more time focusing on our head/faces or torsos.

But again, that might be something that causes more pain and doesn't work for you.

So instead, you might try bootstrapping!

First, a note about aphantasia to keep in mind. There's a difference between visualizing and knowing. A person can know what something would look like if it were in front of them. If I ask you to describe an apple, you could probably list off facts about what apples look like, even though you're not visualizing one. This comes from your real world experience of having encountered apples throughout your life, and recalling the knowledge gained in those experiences. We're going to lean heavily on this knowing to replace visualizing.

Think about your home (or somewhere else familiar). Remember where things are in relation to other things? Remember how if you were looking for the TV remote what places you'd try to search? When you brush your teeth remember where your toothbrush is relative to the sink? (These of course might not be universal, so do try to add your own personal routine experiences here).

If you're having trouble with that, try to take note of these things in your daily life. I think it's called being mindful, but tbh mindfulness is a concept that boggles our minds.

Once you've got that, when you can hold a spacial memory like that in your focus, try to take note of how that feels.

If you're remembering the specific times you've done those routines or been in those places: Try to mash them together to find commonalities. When you are in your memory of your bedroom, try to recall this memory from different times you were there (and especially from different angles).

The goal is to get to a point where you can remember these places as purely spacial. Not any specific memory of a time you were in a place, but rather the place itself.

This might sound like trying to visualize, but it's not that. It might be if you're like us, but there's a non sensory component to just knowing where some things are in relation to other things, and that's what we're trying to focus on. (Again, the visualizing vs knowing concept)

So, you have those memories? Now pick a room you like the best, that you feel strongest with. If you were in that room right now, where would you be? Or rather, where would you want to be? Just for the moment. Let's say you picked a bedroom. Would you be sitting on the bed? Lying down? Maybe standing in the doorway? Perhaps you have a chair and a desk that you could sit at?

Now, where would some other things be in relation to where you would put yourself? Think about those other places in this room. If you're on your bed, where would the doorway be in relation to you? If you're lying on the floor, where would the desk be?

Once you've gotten comfortable with that, ask your headmates where they would like to be in this recalled room. They might pick the same spot, and that's okay. If they pick different spots, share with each other the spots you picked. Tell your headmate where they are in relation to you, where you are in relation to them, and ask them to do the same.

Then practice doing this. Get a really strong idea of where these things are. As you get more comfortable ask yourselves about what kind of things you might be able to feel from these places. Think through what you might be able to see if you were sitting in the chair vs in the bed. This won't be imaginative as much as it will be deductive. If you don't know the answer, try to go to that place physically and observe what it is you can see/hear/feel from there. As you practice these questions will likely get easier for both you and your headmates.

Now to get a bit more predictive. If you and your headmates have pictures of yourselves, ask each other and think about what it would look like for you all to be in those places. Again, this won't be imaginative. You won't be conjuring an image of all of this in your head. Instead try to think of and answer questions about what would be true if you all were there. Let's say Headmate A is at the desk and Headmate B is on the bed. Could they see each other from there? How much of the bed does B take up? What part of A's body is parallel to the top of the desk? Are either within reach of the other?

This step might be full of stumbling blocks. Just remember, it's okay to get it wrong. You're trying to make deductions and guesses about things that aren't readily available to test. There will be times when you didn't take into account someone's height, or their wing size, or how far apart the walls are, or any other myriad of information that you're just pulling from faulty, limited memory (as we all are). Taking notes or drawing might help.

The other major stumbling block is to get too caught up in the idea that this is imagination or that you should be getting some sort of visual output. You likely won't. We can manage to pull visual information from memories, but as soon as we try to edit them they fall apart and turn into black void. But what this technique is trying to do is just work past that void. These are simply theoretical facts about the spacial relationships of things, headmates included. They're "what ifs".

Keep practicing. The more you repeat these facts, think through these questions, and recall these spaces, the less thought you will need to pull them up.

To make this a part of your inner world, well, if you've gotten this far you more or less already have. When you want to "go" to your inner world, focus on that place. Ask your headmates to be there. Ask about those details. Think about what it would be like to be in that room with them. Directing more of your attention there and less on the world around you will catalogue your memories as being there rather than wherever it is your physical body actually is.

But, say you don't want this room, and instead want a place you've built yourself with a fully customized shape and feel. Look for creative games. Stuff like minecraft or the Sims. Turn on creative mode. Build a house there. Explore it a lot. Get very familiar with it. Then try these exercises with that location. Whatever creation suite you choose will have its tradeoffs, so pick whatever feels most comfy (hell I'm sure that CAD software would work for someone somewhere).

When you wish, you can add to these places. Repeat this process with another place. You can "get back and forth" with a sort of teleporting. Which is just doing this deductive work between headmates in relation to a different room. Instead of asking about what it would be like to both be in the bedroom, ask what it would be like to both be in the kitchen.

Or you can attach these places with further questions. Add a door to each room that connects them? Well how does that work? Which way does the door swing? How close to the ceiling would it go? What color would it be painted? (These questions are yours to answer, i.e. make up)

Or instead you can redirect doors and windows. When one headmate is in one room and another is in the other room, what would the sounds be like? How much do the walls muffle the sounds? Which walls are shared? Do they intersect with each other in non Euclidean ways? (Again, you can just make up answers)

The extra step to these last two additions will require some degree of reinforcement. You will need to repeat the answers to those questions. These new rules and made up interactions will only have your collective memory to verify or answer. (Although writing these things down or plotting them out in a creative game will help).

Getting into headspace, or creative with it is very difficult when there's nothing there to see. I hope this helps!

[randomingoftherandomness]

that gifset you reblogged... shangjue is gripping on the last crumbs of his sanity, trying to suppress carnal desire so hard. that's indeed normal gege-didi pastime.

LITERALLY. ((but also can we just. sit here and appreciate the gift that is @valarinde because fam ❤️))

My thought process went a little like this:-

Shangjue catches on to the little furrow between Yuanzhi's brows that comes and goes like a flash; one moment there like a visible marker of how much the medication must sting going on his skin, the next only a careful hint of discomfort.

Quite possibly the only sign of how much all this must be affecting his Didi.

His fingers itch to touch.

To prod and map every edge and puckered skin of the wound that mars Yuanzhi's pale, otherwise unblemished skin. On some level, Shangjue feels a burn of anger in the pit of his stomach that someone would dare touch someone who is his, and yet...

Yet, on a louder, different part of his mind that he cannot silence, Shangjue can't help but wonder how his Didi will look when consenting to be hurt.

Perhaps his wrists would chafe under the silk ropes he keeps in the lacquered chest for the eventual day they both feel safe enough to explore this as they've talked about. Or if Shangjue is really, very lucky, he'd be able to know just how hot his skin would run after a count of swats by Shangjue's hand.

Maybe Yuanzhi might even like it when Shangjue shows him how to use the collection of jade eggs he'd once received from a minister in the Imperial Court. The man had smiled and told him that his pretty wife would find much use with this for their games in the boudoir.

Shangjue hadn't had a plan for a pretty little wife. He doesn't have one still.

Not when he had a beautiful didi who was most certainly poisonous to the touch of anyone else but him.

He tenderly lifts the collar of Yuanzhi's robe, not leaving any space between them other than what was necessary for Yuanzhi to slowly right his clothes. In a different life, Shangjue would have possibly pushed him onto his back, taken his pleasure and wrung exquisite delight out of his didi in the same turn.

Shangjue would have been Yuanzhi's hero. Kissed away the pain, took away his breath and allowed him to forget everything but the taste of Shangjue's name on his lips.

But all he can do now is stand by him while they lick their wounds and regain their energy to fight back. So, that's what he will do.

[dralegirl]

Well I finished up Umbrella Academy Spoilers ahead of course.

Guys, I just need to get this off my chest cus the moment I heard that take it has been Grinding my gears so loudly I just have words. So first things first, I'm approaching this from a take I saw in a youtube video that really shook me up. Narrative ambiguity is meant to frustrate the reader and make them engage with the metaphorical. Now here at the academy we do somewhat engage with metaphor Reginald is a stand in for abusers or abusive parents, Cool. So this take i'm mad at: "The way to deal with abuse is just, fucking die lol." I can't even like process how weird a notion that is. To think these people wasted 10+ years of their time making this show which lovingly depicts these disfuctional people who we are so desperately encouraged to root for, that the answer is like Suicide, i don't even have the words this is like how dare you say we should Piss on the Poor levels of refusal to engage with the material. Anyway metaphors, a family with an abuser and all that jazz. So my reading isn't *Right* I'd just really encourage people to find their own readings that are like Good for Them instead of getting frustrated and going, "how dare they..." you know. In my opinion as I finished the show and sorta got quite upset and frustrated and generally unnerved I wondered Okay so what is this.. all about, what was this all for. Now the first instinct is to force the Literal, to get muddled into time travel shenanigans and explain how my precious bois are still fine, but then thinking about it a little further I thought Okay so why this whole absorption thing. So Reginald is an abusive parent who we more or less overtly are told has children who he doesn't care about, because he just cares about his dead wife. On the metaphorical side, he's pushing a certain environment on them with the end goal of *reviving his wife*. Now to do that he gives them marigold and powers. Now Powers or the *ability to bring back his wife* are like the only thing the children have as value. My opinion is that marigold represents Coping mechanisms gained from abusive environments, i've personally gone through some shit and while my coping mechanisms more often than not make me miserable, they do at times, feel like powers. Like the ways I cope with my biggest weaknesses are like these special abilities that others don't have. In my therapy times I've noticed there's things i gained from my abusers that when tempered are really useful and there's a really complicated relationship to be had with this concept. So in the show it's their powers that always brings about the end of the world. The final solution is to let go of their powers for real, for ever. Now to engage with the literal for just a second i sort of expect that they just got born, by their normal mothers. The point is that the timeline is reverted Before marigold so like, why would they die. It's... THESE VERSIONS OF THEM THAT DIE. And like it really really do be like that, anecdotally i've heard that one of the scary things about therapy is that feeling that when we get *cured* we wont be ourselves, we wont like our hobbies, the people around us, our life, it will all change. There is frankly a feeling that if we attend our abuse and our coping mechanisms a version of us will die. With everything happening in the show, it is them desperately trying to preserve the world that they live in with their coping mechanisms. It is only when someone gives them a way out, shows them that you can Let go of that shit that escape becomes possible, and it is in fact incredibly hard to see that often we are in large part keeping an echo of our abuser in us. Note that most of the abuse of Reginald happened, in the past. His actual abusive presence in the show is like Really minor and sparse compared to the implied abuse of their past. Most of the pain the group goes through is done to each other. They perpetuate the cycle of abuse and harm one another cus it's really hard to let go of our coping mechanisms since they're the way we survived the worst parts of our lives.

The ending to me personally is them finally having reached the point where they can accept, it's time to let go of our abusive coping mechanisms that we've inhereted from our abusers, even tho we don't know how scary it will be on the other end and if we'll be able to survive without our powers.

Anyway I could elaborate lot more on all these points to make them more convincing, but at some point a thought has to be finished for someone to bother reading it. Also again I'm not right, but like the take that the answer is suicide is just what is that, do you Really believe that? Or are you mad that the Narrator didn't say "and they lived happily ever after" (again the point is we don't know if their lives will be better without their coping mechanisms, but the point is ITS WORTH IT EVEN IF WE DONT KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION CUS ABUSE COPING MECHANISMS MAKE LIVES MISERABLE)

[thebananwithaplan]

.......Hmm. The battle was won, but at what cost? Normally, this would be the part where he'd make a quip about things just taking time to get back to normal.

...But, you know. Not the time. Not because he actually read the room, but because the 'room' around them was deforming at an alarming rate. Still standing on the now-deteriorating railing, DB stumbled to get ahold of the bars.

The room was only getting smaller, smaller, and smaller, until...

BOOM.

Whatever was the last of the Foise's toon magic sent him flying down one of the NTV hallways. The Banana had little tome to brace himself as he bounced off the floor a couple times before slowly skidding to a stop.

Normally, these unexpected bouts of force and toon damage would have left him with a few bruises and stinging of pain...

...But if he gained any, it already healed up by the time he realized what happened. Maybe too well...

"....Why am I not bruised, pain, and limping on one leg, here?"

😇 "Oh! We... I think we still have a lot of that pure healing energy left. 😈 probably held on to a LOT of it like a sponge." 😈 "...snork mimimi...."

"...Right. Guess it was a lot more than we ever expected to receive at once."

😇 "Well, we never gained that much in a large amount, and much less of that level of purity."

"....I thought I saw Death having a strange new form. He's healed me a few times before with a similar energy, but..." It was a normal amount, and not enough to completely pacify his bad-leaning self. And also not when the reaper's hair was as red as burning flames. Who knew reapers had their own 'super' form?...

😇 "...Maybe we could make this last as long as we want."

A moment of quiet.

😇 "Just.. think about this. This is, like, the healing factors of all healing factors! We don't have to worry about bruises! Or people trying to hurt us! Or humiliation or pain from anything! We can finally just... smile. And laugh. And dance without the fear of death threats! It would be like our beginning days!"

Another moment.

...It all sounded promising. But there was no denying the hesitation of something that was too good to be true. Maybe it was true. But maybe...

"...You and I both know that would be selfish thinking." Having seen and heard most of the last important bit, he knew that there were others who did not have this luck of being healed properly. Perhaps it was cheating that he had the powers required for soul-related 'purposes', but he stood firm that he never asked for them in the first place. He didn't ask for making 😈 a part of his life either, but on the other hand... He's the reason why he's learning from pain and suffering. To learn how to grow a backbone. To realize that the world isn't always fair and that one can't always expect for things to get easier by themselves. Of course, he also comes with the negatives - snarky behavior, occasional rudeness, short temper, stubbornness, and whatnot.

But 😇 also balances out the more negative traits with positivity. And empathy to those whom he can relate to. And occasional kindness regardless of the other's existence. And love and compassion... It's just that they dislike confrontation and only wishes for the 'easy' way possible.

"...As the saying goes - no pain, no gain. If it wasn't for all the pain that we went through for the last couple of years, we wouldn't have learned anything at all. Besides, if I'm gonna step up as a better toon at one point, then death threats would be the last of our concerns." After all, 'real' toons can't die. And pain is only temporary, anyways.

😇 ".....I suppose we're right. I know there's many others who could use it a lot more than we do right now."

...He wondered if he can return enough of it back somehow. Maybe to whoever remained at NTV, at least...

[and-stir-the-stars]

(sorry this is a dark one) How would Saffron Evan have reacted had Michael's suicide attempt been successful?

post under the tag bc. a lot of suicide mentions.

I mean, Evan IS pretty desensitized to death by this point. But he isn't necessarily desensitized to the death of people that he knows.

Evan has prooooobably killed Suzie by this point? In my timeline, he kills Suzie shortly after Mike runs away. So in a version of the timeline where Mike took Ev with him only to get caught, either Suzie doesn't die at all or William has Ev kill Suzie when he gets Ev back. And Evan killing Suzie is not only the first time Ev kills someone, but the first time that someone Evan knows dies since Liz.

Mike might have even comforted Evan after he killed Suzie in this au. There isn't really much reason for William to keep what he's been doing a secret anymore, so he might be treating Ev and Mike equally in terms of manipulating them into being killers. If Mike wasn't there when it happened, then he probably knows about Ev killing Suzie and tries to comfort him, as much as it is possible to comfort someone as they scream and kick and bite and hurt you through their terror and pain and anger.

Evan still hates Mike. This time when Mike comforted stands out as a single moment when Mike acted strangely and didn't hurt him, but there are a lot of little moments when Ev thinks Mike should have hurt him but Mike didn't. Ev just refuses to let these little moments build into the idea that "maybe Mike changed after he almost killed me, and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore." There has been a lot of moments where Mike lashed out at Ev because of how controlling Will has been, and for Evan's part in constantly tattling about everything Mike does.

But losing Mike is also losing a sense of stability, in a way. Mike has always been there. It's weird to be without him.

And it's weird to be without his punching bag. Being able to show himself that the monster that hurt him for so long wasn't invincible but could in fact be hurt (by Evan of all people) was a source of comfort. Now that source of comfort is gone.

Evan might lean even further into the murders to make up for it.... and he might be frightened to find himself thinking of all the broken families left in his and William's wake. But maybe he doesn't let himself think about it too much.

Evan's emotional reaction to Mike's suicide would, ofc, be complicated.

It bothered Evan that William tried letting Michael in on the murder stuff; that was supposed to be HIS and William's thing, something that Will had specifically chosen to share with EVAN and not with MIke because EVAN was stronger and more worthy of William's love. William suddenly letting Mike into that would feel like a betrayal. It'd make Ev angry and Mike and more desperate for William's approval.

On a surface level, it's a relief that Mike is dead, because Evan no longer has to compete. Clearly, Evan IS the stronger one, the one worthy of his father's love.

But now, Evan can't hurt Mike anymore. He loses that outlet for his emotions and that reminder that, yes, the invincible monster that hurt you CAN be hurt back, it can be stopped.

It'd be traumatic for Evan to find the body of a person he actually knows dead and covered in blood on the ground, rather than some nameless faceless person, even if it happens after Suzie. But I kinda get the sense that it wouldn't stop Evan from being manipulated by William into continuing being, well, the Saffron Pawn.

Even in the normal au, Evan stays under William's control until 1) he realizes William was just using him, and 2) he realizes that maybe Mike (and therefore others) can care about him after all.

William's abuse driving Mike to suicide could potentially make Ev have the first realization if Ev doesn't write it off as Mike just being weak, but Mike's suicide wouldn't fulfil the second one. So Ev probably still stays on the same path.

[cripple-culture-is]

i have a genuine question.

i'm very sure i'm physically disabled on some sort of level(?), and doing research, i have seen other disabled folk say that my experiences are valid. i have seen people say that unnamed/unknown/undiagnosed disabilities are still such, and should be included in the discussion. i know how limited i am in terms of all the things i can't really do, such as stay outside or even stand for very long, and i often get many headaches just for doing minor things like that. i'm also prone to chronic pain/illness, albeit quite mild, but i feel like any of it's not enough to earn me a voice. there's some sort of guilt i have when i want to claim a community label or discuss my experiences, as i wonder if i'm speaking over people who have it worse than me and definitely do know everything about themselves with the confidence to justify their place.

do you think someone like me belongs in disabled safe spaces? would i get harassed and booed out for using my privilege to fake and deceive my way in? am i not really disabled and/or should i seek a much lighter, open to questioning, unprioritized, etc. version of the wider community so that i can get what i need without intruding on those who need it more? i'm just afraid of offending people who are actually, clearly disabled. i assume it's possible for someone's life to be physically difficult to navigate due to complications without necessarily being classified as disabled. y'know?

Thank you so much for the question! I am very happy to answer it 😁

I'm going to preface this by saying there is no such thing as being "not disabled enough". There are disabled people with higher and lower support needs (I have low support needs, my wheelchair using relative has high support needs), but no one is inherently "not disabled enough".

People tend to think of disability as being linear. They see the disability spectrum as ranging from being "less disabled" to "more disabled". That's not true. Not everyone with the same condition will manifest the same way.

Not everyone with my medical condition is disabled. While I seem "less disabled" than my relative, I am still equally disabled under U.S. law.

There are always people who will have something worse than you. But the more you think about them, the more you begin to ignore your own struggles. It can fall into the realm of "toxic positivity". By thinking "Oh, I don't have it that bad, someone else has it worse", you kind of gaslight yourself into thinking you're completely fine when you're not.

I read actually a lot of internalized ableism in your comment. Happens to all of us. It honestly makes me cringe, but it's definitely not your fault.

From my own experiences, you belong here. People think that only visible disabilities are VALID disability. Those with "actual clear" disabilities. But most disabled people actually have invisible disabilities.

I am NOT visibly disabled. I don't use a wheelchair, cane, or any other type of mobility aid. I have an autoimmune disease that causes chronic pain, inflammation, and joint damage. I have been physically disabled my entire life.

Trust me when I say that you not being visibly physically disabled DOESN'T MEAN you aren't physically disabled.

July is Disability Pride Month, yes, it's the 31st, so the last day of July. But the point still stands. There's a banner on the Disability Pride Month pride flag for people like us. The white banner stands for invisible and undiagnosed disabilities. There is definitely a space here for you.

You aren't "faking" or "deceiving" your way into the disabled community. Will you be harassed? Maybe. There is some ableism within even the disability community. I've been harassed in real life for using things I have a legal right to, merely because I'm not "clearly disabled".

I can guarantee that if you saw me, you would just see a "standard", "normal", non-disabled 20 year old girl. 100%. I know because that's how most people see me. But I'm physically disabled under American law.

There is space for you here. You are welcome here. And I do not tolerate ableism of any kind on this blog, therefore, you're safe here, and your experiences are just as valid as any of the other physically disabled people here ❤️

Most non-disabled people don't run into barriers in society when it comes to what they can do physically. Chronic pain is ALWAYS considered a disability under U.S. law, and if (and hopefully when) you get a chronic illness/chronic pain diagnosis, you are automatically protected under the ADA. If you run into issues standing for long periods of time, you are likely disabled. I struggle with the same exact thing.

And I know most people DON'T struggle with that. Earlier this year, I saw 20+ people stand up for the entirety of a junior hockey game, including intermissions, and that was about 1 and a half to 2 hours long. I can only stand in one spot for about 2-5 minutes without my knees and feet hurting, to the point where I will always shift my weight from foot to foot when standing.

And I'm also going to be 100% honest with you. People will say "those who need it more". There actually AREN'T many accommodations for disabled people, and there's actually no shortage of accommodations for disabled people. They are just HIGHLY HIGHLY gatekept by the non-disabled government and withheld, sometimes even from those who need it.

You belong in this community, and you are welcome here ☺️

[vizthedatum]

Understanding that I'm AuDHD (autistic+ADHD) has made my life more tolerable, even if it's not where I want it to be yet.

Today I cooked two grilled chicken sandwiches, and they're awesome. I pan-fried the chicken myself, I cut up the veggies, I knew how to proportion things, etc.

I ground up whole coffee beans and made a whole pot of coffee (with saffron added in, because my friend had alerted me to to a study about how saffron is a natural stimulant).

I'm cooking and making things myself more and more. I've been so embarrassed over most of my PhD training years that I haven't cooked more - I was doing it pretty solidly the first two years of my PhD training, but I went into varied levels of functional disability when I lived with my ex-spouse.

I still did things, of course. It became harder and harder the more I self-abandoned and the more I was emotionally controlled.

This past year, I've been doing so many more things. It's been hard, though. I wish I could go faster with my healing.

I wish I could cook all the time (I want to, and I am trying to take it slow), I wish I could do all my hobbies, I wish, I wish, I wish.

But today, I felt proud that I've gotten this far. AND IT IS SO MUCH PROGRESS. I'm trying to tell my past self, "See, we got here!! So what if it took you so long to get started? Didn't it feel great to not do it under mountains of pressure?"

--

I have a lot of trauma from childhood and early adulthood about people criticizing the way I do things, the way I don't do things, and how I am.

Everything up to my stims, my facial expressions, my eye contact, the way my hands shake, and so on and so on. I got yelled for all of it.

I got yelled at, beaten, and punished for the intrinsic way of how I am.

And when the trauma sits in, it gets even worse. I have an endless stream of self-defeating thoughts: you're stupid, you can't do this, you can't possibly know how to do this, people hate you, people just put up with you, stop fidgeting, you're too still now, etc. etc.

--

When I meltdown or shutdown, I go through massive skill regression. People usually lose trust in me after that. Sometimes it only takes one or two episodes of seeing me not being able to (or flat-out refusing to) do something

That or when I have a pain- or fatigue-flare and I have to cancel plans very suddenly.

Or when I'm deeply emotionally uncomfortable, and I can't stand to be in my body, and I cancel plans.

When I regain my skills, I am fighting so much self-doubt and doubt from other people... the heartbreaking part is when you've lost trust in yourself.

It makes it so hard to do things that you know you can do.

--

Regulating my nervous system is one of my FIRST AND PRIORITIZED goals for this life... I don't want to continuously go through cycles of panic attacks, meltdowns, shutdowns, and bouts of skill regression or executive dysfunction.

Plus when I'm stressed, I almost always flare.

I'm still figuring out how to lead a balanced life FOR ME. When I'm feeling well, I push myself too hard and then I get off balance again.

"Trying my best" means that I have to try less sometimes.

--

I've been realizing that I have been self-soothing and self-assuring myself a lot this past year, living by myself.

I'm becoming best friends and partners with myself... maybe for the first time.

I CAN DO THINGS. Of course, I can. I can do a lot of things, and even now that I'm academically/professionally qualified, I think I surprise people by doing things. Which is weird to me.

I also need a lot of compassion and understanding. There are many things that I have to do a certain way. There are things I need help with that other people may not need help with.

And that's normal. This is all NORMAL for me.

I accept myself.

[thorne1435]

You're all disgusting pedos and you should stay away from kids. Normal people would have a problem with men, dressed in frocks and lipstick and go to the female bathroom. You literally have no reason to complain when half the society is lifting you up unfortunately for your bullshit by giving you opportunities which you Don't deserve in women sports. Just because you're a weak man afraid to stand up for yourself and are insecure of who you are, you bitch about your life and expects special treatment? The ban on your freakish trans rights was something good and effective after all, Kentucky did something good. When straight people even SAY something regarding the trans community, you get all defensive and bitch about it till no end and you have the audacity to even go as far as attacking us in mobs! Don't even get me started on those disgusting drag queens, they're fucking pedos and exposing such vile parts of their body needs to be categorized as child abuse. HOW are you okay with a grown adult flashing their privates at your children? That's legit disgusting and creepy and messed up. Fucking kill yourself disgusting groomer, you'll be doing everyone a favor 🙄 maybe then people won't get tired of your incessant whining and bitching

Hey dude, chill. Like, I can see what you're trying to do, but you're doing too much, so none of it's working.

You're trying to get me emotional so that when you tell me to kill myself at the end, I'll be caught up in the negativity and I'll go for it impulsively. But that's not gonna work if you can't at least write a coherent sentence. I need really solid logic to start doom-spiraling, or at least solid logic from my perspective. And uh, from the look of it, I don't think you can pull it off, yourself.

Like, okay, did you ever stop to think about why or how a transgender woman would be offended by you saying she was a "weak man"? Like, I'm not even a man, I don't care if I'm "weak" by masculine standards. You're full of shit either way though because I don't know what you could possibly mean by "afraid to stand up for yourself." I'm doing something that gets me hate like this and I've pretty consistently clapped back, even when it wasn't that funny. I'm doing it right now! Is this not standing up for myself? And I still accept Anon Asks, because you guys have yet to damage my self-esteem.

Anyway, I've never taken part in or encouraged the brigading of any TERF or transphobe ever. And I never would! That's not how my brain works. I feel sorry for you all, I talked about that pretty recently, because I understand that your mindset comes from a place of pain that I was in myself for years. And unlike you, when I see people who are doing something gross I think how miserable they must be and how I can help fix that problem. Even when I know I can't! So, yeah, even a cursory glance at my blog would've done you some good here.

I've never gotten special treatment in my life, or at least not for being trans. I live in rural Kentucky, and I feel like I've said that more than once, so...y'know, again, you could've figured that one out pretty easily. But anyway, it just means I'm scared in public. Do you think the MAGA-hats and Yee-Yees out here drop rose petals at my feet when they clock me and tell me how brave and noble I am for wanting tits? If I said anything too fag-y to the wrong one, they'd just pull out their conceal carry and fucking kill me. That's not even basic knowledge of me, that's just basic knowledge of the political climate.

Also, I don't care about sports. I never have and I never will, I don't think they should be played on a professional level at all, so even if we are ruining women's sports (which nobody watches), I...don't give a shit. I feel like I've said this more than once, so I really am just appalled.

Also, I don't care about drag, I never have and I never will. Though, I must give you some credit here, I haven't talked about that one before, because I'm not, like, militantly apathetic, I'm just apathetic.

I don't think it should be banned but also I'm never going to go to a drag show ever. To me, banning it is kind of like banning the opera, if that makes sense. Like, not everyone likes it, some people find it or the people who enjoy it irritating, but usually it's just not for those people. It would be kind of self-absorbed to label it "immoral" though.

I guess I shouldn't be too offended, but I'm only really offended in the first place that you didn't bother to get to know your mark. Am I somehow worth harassing yet not worth the effort of doing it right? Come on, man. Give me a little respect here. If not for me, then for the love of the craft.

You're never going to pierce my cynicism without cyberstalking me and saying something brutal and devastating based on the oversharing I've done. Give that a shot next time, I know you can do it. It'll be rough, you'll have to think really hard, but I believe in you, and I can't wait to see what you come up with Angry-Drunk Anon

[weabooweedwitch]

to that prior anon: what makes something a disability is how it impacts the life of the person who has it. for example, you use arthritis as an example of smth being "just a medical condition" but without medication that would cost more than $12k/month if I didn't have insurance, I am in constant pain and literally cannot walk or use my hands. my arthritis is disabling, while for others it's just constant low level pain and they may not consider it a disability.

please remember it's up to the person with the medical condition to determine if it disables them, and it varies person to person even with the same condition.

In their defense i think they were just asking a question because it is definitely like, a weird gray area? It honestly brings up a good discussion about, when do you you start calling something a disability, and how, I think, the broken health care system really, uh, falsely categorizes a lot of people based on what insurance is up to. Also different countries apparently have different guidelines, like for example my Canadian friend gets disability benefits literally just for being autistic despite being very "high functioning", putting that in quotes just because I know that can be kind of a controversial term.

But also, I'm so sorry you deal with that, I dont quite have arthritis but I can totally empathize wirh chronic physical pain 🥺 its actually horrifying reading the prices of some of these treatments sometimes and im really glad you have your medicine taken csre of. I often think about what would've happened to me if I hadn't been on state insurance when I was diagnosed with my equinus, I think it was literally like at least 5k per leg (i actually barely remember tbh, it couldve been higher or lower), which, I guess ultimately isn't a lot, but on my income and my moms income would have been so significant I would've felt actual guilt seeking treatment. Like, there was a legitimate possibility that the mere price could have kept me from... walking normally? And like my mom is 58 and she's been told she qualifies for knee replacements but she's literally scared of even getting them because of how long the recovery period can be and the financial loss and also just the price? So my mom could end up in legitimately worse health, although I guess that also has to do with like, America not having good workers rights where she could've taken off laid leave for surgery or something

It's that whole expression about "disability is defined by the environment" or something like that. Sort of like that whole controversy with Mr Beast where he paid for a bunch of people to get their sight or hearing back. Those people had treatable conditions and were stuck living in a way that negatively impacted their lives simply because they couldn't afford it? Like I can't even imagine not being able to use one of my five senses just because I couldn't afford it, but I know that's um already a reality for like, people who can't afford hearing aids and stuff like that

I think I'm starting to ramble here but like, I wish people had more sympathy for the disabled (and im talking about like society, not the last ask just to be clear, I feel like they were legitimately just curious). Like sometimes when you see people like violently hating the homeless, sometimes those people are literally people who got into horrible accidents or had some sort of injury and they wound up addicted to painkillers and had to turn to drugs when they can't afford prescription pain meds or those prescriptions get them addicted. I had a manager who was in a car accident and the painkillers made her eventually switch to straight up heroin. Even our disabled vets don't get good healthcare half the time

But yeah, as for me, I guess consider myself kind of straddling the line between disabled and able bodied, leaning more towards able bodied, but I can still have issues, like my knees are still kinda jacked up and even though i can stand and walk great now, stairs can be really tough sometimes, especially when I'm coming home from work and my body aches. and I still get pains in my back sometimes when I'm bending and leaning to the point I use a menthol roll-on gel for pain relief. Part of me kind of likes that I, I dunno, overcame the challenge and all that, but like, I think I would've preferred a body that didn't hurt lol 😅

[inovation2inspire]

People ssay they have foot or feet problems an itch, dermatitis or deep vain trombises or they smell like there on top grade in France.

I have a relatively clean soul, but I have bad feet people say walk a mile In my shoes.

Any person of any good moral fibre and standing will have bad feet having served and dredge through the fields of farmland and the passing of war or that of the man that walked the cobbles to get water from the well of hope and life.

Me my feet are indebted to a world that doesn't exist anymore. I've stood anchored frozen in motion as the souls of incenet beings were ripped torn and slammed Ive Stood in the path of the ferocity of a man made mistake are pressure to make the world into a mirror for the obnoxious and loud the self ritrus and the fake, the money hauders and the time stealers. I'm riddled with grasps and screams of innocent grabbing on to there lives I stood in a dead picturesque place serounded by the aftermath of mother nature water is dangerous but the blackness in which the BBC nature's finest habitats and the organic world, I've had it run over my feet with oppitim and oblivion of hell thrown in the mix I feel the claws of the needy still trying to grasp for life the kind of moment where nails on wood from a werewold in a vampire Dracula, having face death is not anything of greatsignificance yeah it heart racing breath taking and a feeling that can only be lived in the presence of proceedings, but the hard part is after, when life doesn't resume and yesterday has no relivence to tomorrow 2 worlds collide in one breath its a bad timing and In time you will be at home or back to normal but in truth your never not really home from where you freze where your heart jumps your brain trip's and life choke holds you I know where I got a free pass to a it kinda never happened life but with that comes guilt I mean emotional scars go everywhere but what wen you come from scratch the clean up the deviation the sespit is your new beginning, there's questions and answers that are void cause you do what you do for best we're primal, we fend, we eat, we design to adapt we in a robotic age and an easy life but where are we if the clock stop and life fades what's are ranking, I sometimes with I lived the other way , built myself a fellowship and become an integral part rather then feel expandable I feel like I earn the scars but not the privilege to honor that moment because I had the views I felt the fear I heard and seen the pain, but in one breath I was an actor in a movie on set my dress rehearsal could send me back to never happen land but reality still resides I've seen humans at there whitts and the capability in willingness and I sit around and watch and see a conveyer belt of life where people are to unworthy or un smart or just not educated to level to disclosure cause it hard to speak but people aren't like shares you can't have a percentage more then they have and torn nature of I may do bad to give you the good, we come from a time where tribal warriors respect and form a colony of living but do you know what founders work for or what they did the power of primal order what belongs to who and where for how long, benifical or anchor a liability or possibility, walking in shoes and foot steps aren't easy nore should be done, but can you take a graphic reinstatement and tell me the same or look forward or act in the way you did, can you be honest with yourself enough not to lie, what's the value of a worth it doesn't matter the size the volume or the audience if the subject or cast is worth the while or has value for its time elapsed