#this is all negative sounding bc I’m scared first but I’m also hopeful second

[short666bread]

[krispiecake]

hiii tell me about your show pls!!!

1) i love you. we should kiss

2) before i get into this because im #scared ppl will make fun of me, I’m aware that my show is a teen drama and deserves criticism in some areas, i am actually very interested in having long conversations about this criticism bc i think that its genuinely interesting and i have a lot of thoughts about how some themes such as (and especially) class could/should be handled going forward in the final season. However, i also think that it is a very well made show and also very well written (99% of the time lol) and explores very interesting lgbt+ themes and is the first show in a while that ive seen that portrays first/new/young lgbt relationships really well. That is my disclaimer.

3) so. its called young royals on netflix. and its my favourite thing in the entire world. Its a swedish show centred around the prince of Sweden, Wilhelm (diagnosed autistic by me. bc i said so.) Key facts about him are: anxiety disorder, lame, sometimes I wish i could smack him upside the head but with love. Wilhelm is sent to a private boarding school after getting into a very public fight in order to punish/straighten him out (pun intended). At this boarding school we are introduced to Simon (my fave character), who is a non boarder/scholarship student along with his sister. When we meet Simon for the first time its when he is singing a solo in the choir for the prince’s welcome ceremony/celebration thing. During this, Wilhelm basically um. falls in love. Well maybe not love but the boy is down BAD and it’s embarrassing for him. Key facts about Simon: i love him, has never done anything wrong ever, I love him. While Simon’s main ‘role’ as it were is love interest, I believe that the show does a fairly good job and creating depth for him as a character, providing a lot of context and information about him as an individual and as part of a relationship. He has his own plot lines and scenes completely separate to Wilhelm. HOWEVER I would also like this to be explored further in the 3rd season, and I hope we see a more emotional side to him too, because while we do see him express both positive and negative emotions, I still feel like he holds the especially negative ones back and away from other characters like Wilhelm - which is in character, however I personally would like to. see him cry or something idk because he deserves a breakdown. like a proper one with shouting and throwing things.

ANYWAY. We get to see their relationship grow over the episodes and honestly there is a little bit of flip flopping from Wilhelm, bc while Simon is confident in his sexuality, its implied that this is the first time Wilhelm has ever really acknowledged his attraction to the same gender, meaning we watch him learn how to (sort of) accept himself and be comfortable in liking Simon. PERSONALLY I think the way this is portrayed is quite authentic and at least somewhat similar to my own experience in coming to terms with being a lesbian specifically (although i never rlly got to kiss any girls about it so. that sucks). I think a really good example of this is their first kiss scene at the end of s1 ep 2, where we see Wilhelm making the first move when he initiates handholding (im aware of how juvenile the sentence sounds i just couldnt think of another way to put it lol) as they are watching a movie (its movie night so the two main dorms are all present, Forest Ridge (boys) and Manor House (girls). They have a cute little handholding moment until Wilhelm becomes flustered/anxious over people noticing and runs out of the room. Simon follows after a moment and this is when we get the first kiss. Simon is the one to initiate it the first two times and Wilhelm just kind of 🧍. He’s not good at this yet okay. After the second kiss, shocked back to reality by a noise from the movie down the hall, Wilhelm starts with ‘I’m sorry I’m not-‘ and Simon starts to leave, obviously sensing rejection. However, rejection does not come because Wilhelm grabs his arm and pulls him back. He’s clearly very anxious about the whole situation and running through his head is what I assume to be a million different thoughts of ‘am i allowed to want this? is this okay? do i want this? what will my mother say? this would be national news. What would my brother say? am i allowed? i dont think this is allowed.’ Simon does not say anything, allowing Wilhelm to take the time he needs to organise a coherent thought. And despite his anxiety, despite every thought in his head, he pulls Simon closer by his shirt and this time, Wilhelm is the one that kisses him.

I like this scene bc 1) its cute, like rlly cute 2) as I said i think this is a good example of the whole ‘coming to terms with it’ aspect because I remember that anxiety, I remember those ‘what would my mother think?’ thoughts and most importantly, I remember my lesbianism (or in Wilhelm’s case, his queerness and attraction to Simon) winning. I remember the way that once it popped into my head that ‘hey, you might be a lesbian’ it literally never left until i sat up one day and confronted it. And I think that this is a really sweet and probably true to life for some people way of showing this on screen.

Now. I actually have so much more to say about this show Like i could talk/type for HOURS. about it but I won’t. Know that there are so many details about this show and the casting choices and the writing and directing and acting choices that i am OBSESSED with throughout BOTH seasons. All that i typed literally only got us through 2 episodes and i didnt even talk about the other important bits. I really cannot over emphasise enough how much there is to this show. Anyway, I’m gonna leave it there though, but feel free to ask questions/for my opinion on any aspect of it. I will say if you havent watched it and somehow this has convinced you to do so, there are a few triggering subjects such as drug + alcohol addiction/misuse, death and grief, and MASSIVELY child exploitation material from season 1 ep 4 onwards - this is because a, if not THE, major plot point/conflict in the show is that a ‘sex tape’ (as it’s referred to sometimes) is filmed of Wilhelm and Simon (both 16yrs old in the show) without their knowledge or consent, and is then leaked to the public. I have some personal grievances about how this is handled in the show, however, I also dont think its handled ‘badly’, as the way the characters handle it is part of the plot and is ultimately part of what the show is criticising. If you want me to explain this further I can do as well, as i know this subject can obviously be very triggering and its best to know what youre getting into to decide if this show is right for you.

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

big brother to the rescue.

BEN MILLER

TRIPLE FRONTIER. ┃ USEFUL LINKS.

❝ request by @meteora-fc: hello hello! hope you're doing well :) i was thinking about a ben miller fic where when they're in the bar towards the beginning the reader is there with her friends and the boys push benny to talk to her bc he's getting distracted from conversation by her across the place. thanks a ton 💖

❝ words: about 1.6k.

❝ a / n: if you'd like to read a second part, lemme know! don’t forget to comment and reblog if you liked it, i’d really appreciate it!

“C’mon, little brother. She’s been looking at you the whole night”. Will says palming his back, after catching him distracted for the third time.

“Go, before I do”. Frankie challenges him with a petty smile, knowing it’s going to be enough to force the boxer to take the step.

Taking a deep, deep breath, finding in that gesture the encouragement he needs, Benny goes straight to you, waiting for the bartender to serve you another beer.

At first, you don’t notice his presence, until the unknown guy stops by your side leaning too over the bar. You two cross your gazes, sharing a soft smile that makes your knees tremble. The blonde looks really good, but for some reason, you have the feeling that he could be an idiot, so when he throws at you one of those horrible pickup lines, you can’t help but roll your eyes.

“I’m gonna give you advice. Don’t hit a girl like that”. You just reply with a chuckle, referring to his words.

“I’m more into hitting men”.

For a second, where you were about to leave with your drink, you squint at him having a sip and trying to understand the meaning of his affirmation.

“I box, professionally”.

“Oh…” You nod your chin, puckering your lips, showing him that this fact doesn’t impress him at all. “Congrats. Good luck in your next fight”.

Not giving him the chance to continue the talk, you come back to your table under the attentive looks of your friends, who are laughing at the poor guy and the gesture on his face. His brothers, on the other hand, have slapped their faces whilst shaking their heads disappointed. As soon as Benny joins him, Santi slaps the back of his neck, causing him to choke in his beer.

“There must be something wrong with my eyes, ’cause I can’t take them off you? Really, Benny? Really?”

The guys are laughing when Pope repeats his sentence, as Will puts an arm over his shoulders. “You’re lucky to have me… Big brother to the rescue”.

Anna nudges you, making you turn on your stool to watch a second guy walking towards you, very secure of himself. The only thing you wanted tonight was to have fun with your friends and seems it’s not going to be an option. Crossing a leg over the other and nailing an elbow on the table, resting your chin on your palm, you force a smirk when he offers you a kind smile.

“Good nights, ladies, sorry to interrupt. William, a pleasure”.

The man holds your free hand without asking for it to stretch it. Firmly. Like only a soldier would do —as your father does. He turns for a second to his friends, laying his oceanic and hypnotic eyes on you with a charming and funny grimace on his face.

“Sorry ‘bout my brother, you know... too many punches”. He has captivated your friends, who are gasping for him and the honeyed tone he’s using, covered by a raspy voice. “He has watched you looking at him and he was nervous, but he’s not a bad guy. Just a little asshole. But he’s worth it, believe me”.

“Okay”. You reply slowly, raising an eyebrow earning your attention little by little.

“He has begged me to not come, but I think you’re too smart to not have a date with him”.

“Your brother was right, you didn’t have to come. And you’re wrong, more or less. I’m very smart, but having a date with him doesn’t seem a very intelligent idea”.

“Got it. But he’ll be waiting for you at seven in Kaleo’s, tomorrow night”. A negative it’s not an option to the soldier, showing you his perfect white teeth in a huge smile clapping his hands before leaving. “Good night, ladies. Have a good time”.

Since last night, you've been debating with your friends if you should go to the date just to prove both men were wrong. Lucy would call you crying if you text her in case the guy is another idiot.

The first test is to see if he'd wait for you, arriving thirty minutes later than the hour William told you. Your heart can't help but race a little when you find the blonde boxer sitting on the hood of a black Mustang, in front of the restaurant. Wearing a white t-shirt and black jeans, he has both legs crossed and his hands laced over his lap. Head bowed down and a sigh escaping his lips as he checks the clock on his wrist. Poor guy, he's thinking you are not going to come.

You send a picture of him to the chat group where your friends are asking you if he's still there and, in less than a second, you receive a bunch of heart emojis from all of them. Keeping your phone in a pocket, as you tuck in your hands too, you begin to walk towards him. Step by step. Taking your time with a soft smirk curving your lips as you come closer and closer. Watching him texting someone too, you roll your eyes, imagining it's to some random chick to hang out with, due you have stood him up. Until you're almost leaning above his shoulder and you see he's texting his brother —who is very interested in knowing if you're there or not. You melt as he replies: “amma wait another thirty minutes, maybe there's traffic”.

“You can say to your brother I'm here”. You whisper into his ear, taking him by surprise and causing the boxer to jump off from the hood.

“Oh, fuck. You scared the shit outta m— Where you readin' my phone?”

“Nah, I've some witch in me”. You lie terrible, feeling goosebumps on your arms when his gesture changes suddenly.

A grin like a Cheshire cat decorates his face, offering you his phone as he pressed the small microphone in the bottom right corner.

“Hey, big brother, I came. I hope you weren't wrong”.

“I'm Ben, by the way”. He introduces himself as keeping his phone in a pocket, to offer you his right hand.

“(Y/N)”. You stretch it then, feeling a little nervous at his touch.

“So, this is the plan. We have a beer, and if you think I'm a freak, you can run away before dinner. No questions, no explanations. You just… leave”.

God, that's really sweet. He's nervous too and you can see in his blue eyes how scared he is if you really decide to disappear.

“Deal”. You accept, tilting your head to the restaurant.

A couple of minutes later Ben is sitting in front of you and the first thing that captivates your attention is the fact that he doesn't put his phone on the table. Living in the technology era, everybody keeps an eye on their devices. Constantly. But he's not like everybody. He wants to talk. Know about you. What you do in your free time, what you do for a living, what unveils you at night… And you talk for hours.

Ben tells you what pushed him to be in the army, why he decided to dedicate his life to boxing and he also jokes about how you could fix him up after his fighting. Something like a plan of the future. Together. As friends —as he points out to not make you feel uncomfortable, thinking that he is forcing you to have a relationship. You also discover that your taste in music and movies are very similar, just like your hobbies. And that makes you think about the fact that William will tell you “I wasn't wrong”.

The boxer gladly takes you home, not stopping your chat even when one of the two of you doesn't know what to say, Benny has shown you in some way he enjoys too much the sound of your voice though —how it goes a little higher when you're excited about something, how your throat vibrates when you laugh. And he's falling in love with the disgusted tic that wrinkles your nose when you don't like something, in a funny gesture.

You would die for staying together a little more, but you have obligations to attend tomorrow and your friends haven't ceased sending your texts asking you how it's going. As Ben stops his car next to your house, you sigh not knowing what to do —if just say bye, thank you, ask for his number, kiss him? Yes, you'd like to kiss him right now, but what does it say about you? Should you wait until the second date?

“Got a fight tomorrow night if you're free”. His proposition pushes you back to reality, turning at him on your seat while resting a shoulder against it. “You can invite your friends, mine will be there”.

“Your brother too?” You ask giggling, noticing the change on his grimace to somewhat underwhelmed because of your interest.

“Yeah, he will come”. Ben mumbles pressing his lips after nodding briefly.

“Ugh… Is he the kind of person who has fun saying I told you?”

Ben's gesture suddenly changes again. The shine in his blue deep eyes reappears and you provoke him a strong laugh when you furrow your nose like he literally adores.

“You've had a good night then?”

“Yes”. You don't hesitate to respond, leaning towards him to press your lips on his cheek with a loud kiss.

“See? He told you”. Ben can't help but make fun of you, earning a soft punch to his shoulder that makes him laugh one more time. “It's in the Holou gym, at seven”.

“Okay, I'll not forget it”. You reply, taking your phone and setting an alarm an hour before starting to have time to get ready. “Good night, Ben”.

“Good night, (Y/N)”.

GENERAL TAG LIST: @mayans-sauce @peoniarose @destynelseclipsa @band-psycho @myakai13 @petlaufeyson @-im-fantastic- @horsesandwolvesaremyanimals @rocketqueen @rosieposie0624 @ellyseveronica @jessprins13 @diaryofkali @ravenmoore14 @starrynite7114 @kenbechillin @miahelen @monkeyluver4546 @sheeshgivemeabreak @jadesamhart @rawrlittlepanda-95 @megapeacelovemusic-blog @katsav17 @skits90s @wildsould1221

TRIPLE FRONTIER: @phoenixhalliwell @goldielocks2004 @pedritomando @spideysimpossiblegirl @im-an-adult-ish @chibsytelford

[skullshoal]

talking about jobs and stuff again under cut bc its all i talk about and if it’s draining you dont have to read. Not wholesale negative but talking about what i wanna do and my mental state.

So after today’s interview fiasco maybe i will try instead to try and see if i can possibly make patreon a viable supplementary income. I am sick of shitty retail jobs draining all my energy away and killing me. Plus as unhappy as i am at my work i would be a lot less desperate to leave if i just had more fucking money. Especially if i could cut down on my hours there to divert energy to something that doesn’t suck the soul out of my corpse.

I have been wary to try for a long time because i have had so much trouble producing art at the same time as working. I think if I could set up a schedule for myself that people were paying to see my work for I would be much more motivated to make it happen. the want-to versus have-to do something thing. I’m also wary of making art my job since. I just like doing it. I know making something your job changes it. But also if the only other choice is retail then well I am willing to take that risk. I wanted art to be my job anyway this is just a lot more direct. I don’t expect big bucks or anything especially not for a while but my out look on jobs is so so bleak right now. I keep applying to places that actually sound worth while and then i get an interview and its either totally bad or they don’t want me. I’m so fucking frustrated and drained and bleeding out and dying and it’s for minimum wage. I like the store i work at and i think if i try to set up the environment to better suit me then i would be less miserable. if i can ask for a certain amount of days off or that i don’t work cashier anymore that would be better. Right now i feel powerless because i need every second of pay i can get but if i have a different source of income even if smaller maybe i will feel more empowered to ask for things to make my life better.

I haven’t fully given up on leaving. I am just greatly discouraged with my failure to find a decent job rn :( I am mentally ill in a major way and the constant feeling of failure is um. Taking a toll! I am going to a psychiatrist next week and i’m hoping maybe getting on antidepressants will help me even though i’m also worried about how antidepressants can make you feel worse at first. Everything feels hopeless like i am supposed to work forever and never make enough money to enjoy anything in life and it sucks so bad. Hopefully the psychiatrist will open the pathway up to other things like therapy and stuff. It’s so hard to be trying to fix my life and also living in a pandemic and in my mid twenties and transitioning and the country is on fire and like every major event in the last decade. My current job is the longest i’ve stayed at a job. and it’s only 7 months. I’m scared i’ll always have a ticking timer on my head for how long i can stand to do something and it will never be long enough to make anything of it. I’m scared i’ll work shitty retail jobs the rest of my life and never get vacations and retirement and my passions. I’m scared I’ll get more depressed than i am now or than i have ever even been. I’m scared the pandemic will never end and that the government will turn the country to the sea and that all the kind people are gone. I feel powerless to change even the smallest aspects of my life right now and its paralyzing and horrifying and exhausting. I just want to take back some control of my future and my present. I want to enjoy my days off and see my friend’s sometimes. I want to go to the ocean.

Thanks for reading this far. I hope we’ll be ok.

[baraqi]

honestly they probably wont say anything which means that unfortunately, we're stuck with these feelings. i wish they would have thought before making those particular jokes on camera. it definitely gives off the wrong vibes. i have no idea what to do tbh. like i cant even really look at them without feeling hurt. obviously they dont know us and wouldnt be able to see us among thousands of others at a concert or something but i honestly would feel nothing but embarrassment by being in the same building at them. like ive always had those feelings with any group and honestly txt has been making me feel better about myself but enha kinda just... undid all that progress for me.

i hope they at least see the after effect of all of their jokes, and take it upon themselves to do some self reflection even if belift doesnt say anything. it really is a bit disappointing to feel negatively towards a group i really enjoyed.

right like they’re very comforting for me and have been for a year or so. i had skz before that but everybody hates the shit outta anybody who even says they tolerate skz😭 and just being surrounded with nothing but hate towards them threw me off and i felt ashamed that i liked them but couldn’t let them go but eventually i found enha and they took that spot n i think i had gotten more attached to them than i did with skz which makes it hurt even more. and i hate to sound like a solo stan fr but i feel like the only one of them that i find that comfort in now is sunoo :/ like i said this before but jay HURTTT bc he’s my second bias right behind sunoo. an unfortunate ass bias line fr🚶🏻‍♀️

and it ig has been confirmed that they’re having a tour around september or smth and frankly,,, i’m scared bc i wanna go so bad since they’re my ults n i’ve not been able to see any of my other faves but also my anxiety’s gonna be thru the fucking roof i don’t want them to look at me. sunoo’s chillin but everybody else look away😭 the thought of even the possibility of them judging me in their head is enough to make me tense up. i prolly sound so fucking dramatic but this is the mechanics of my head fr🧎🏻‍♀️but yeah i still do hope somehow they see the effect their words have had and learn from it even tho they should’ve known that in the first place

[minjeongthinker]

Jump Then Fall

(inspired by Jump The Fall by Taylor Swift obviously 😭)

warnings : none afaik >__<

genre : fluff !

word count : 2.4k

pairing : han jisung / oc (f)

ps . very messy bc i just wrote my thoughts ahead without sincerely thinking ++ hello Tumblr!

"Hey y/n!" you gasped in shock while docking over the countertop to prepare for your morning shift at the coffee shop you're currently working on when Jisung, the shop's owner's son, called your name in a deafening way while it's just almost 6 in the morning.

"Oh hey Ji what are you up to?" You tried so hard to hide the bubbly voice petrified that he'll notice that you're happy and jumping inside because he's actually here, in front of you.

Yup, you have unattended feelings for this man hiding inside your very heart although you don't bother talking it to him because you can't afford to lose the friendship you and him had built through the years. At least you're aware that he's not interested in you so you're convinced that this is better, that you're satisfied with him being your superman despite you two just being "besties".

"can't sleep... i think I'll just work with you on your shift then maybe we can sleep at my pad?" he played with his lips in a very cute way while he's clasping his fingers with each other signing that he's nervously not sure if you'll go with him 🤠 as if you two don't treat each other's apartment as their own too...

"oh poor baby, let's go then! my shift ends at 8:30 if that'll be okay with you?" he scooped your shoulder, wrapping both of his hands around your neck while he sniffes your hair as he happily jumps upon your approval.

"of course bub,, i got nervous at the thought that you're already tired of seeing my face.. let's go to work maybe?"

"alriiiight!!! ^____^" this time, you didn't hide the bubbly tune and smiled sweetly at him with his small gestures. He also smiled back at you, giggling and his gummies were showing so you hugged him absentmindedly while saying he's so cute to be him..

That was just a normal day between you two. Most of the time, you even thought the things you two are doing are lovers-like but you just shrug 'em thoughts off because you like it too so who are you to ask for more T^T

"Hey bubbles! Can I take the usual?" you looked up at the customer to know who just stated their order only to find Minho smirking and steadying his hands above the counter to see your face clearly. Minho is your blockmate and also your best friend, but you know the love you have for him will not exceed above platonic, very different when it comes to Jisung. Speaking of him, you both decided that he'll work on the coffees while you take the counter.

"Oh Minmin good day! Sure you can! what brings you here though? as far as i am concerned, you don't wanna walk through cafes just to have your coffee?" You talked to him while not looking back and punching whatever that needs to be punched on the counter.

"I just wanna look at you pretty, is it too much to ask?" You giggled, knowing how un- serious he was because you do know he's not the type to date and step things up with people he considered as family.

"Sure it's not Min, take a look all you want!" You moved your head from side to side while posing different angles to add light to the situation. You both laughed off until you hear a mini smash on the kitchen which makes you hush and run there aggressively, leaving Minho concerned in front of the counter.

"Jisung what the fuck was that?" You saw the kitchen perfectly fine, Jisung being sloppy with his movements, and a pan which looked like it was intentionally banged just to create a huge noise.

"Oh.. nothing, nothing.. sorry to disturb your flirting sesh y/n, you can now go back, it's perfectly fine here..." he didn't even bother to look at you, continued the coffee he was making, though his movements were still sloppy as it was when you entered the room. You got scared because he might be mad about you chitchatting while at work and even misunderstanding what you did with Minho earlier. "Uh.. first of all, i am not flirting,, and uhm second, i hope it's really fine here, yeah? I.. i'm so sorry.." you hated your voice for shaking at the last phrase so it made him look at you, now with worried eyes.

"It really is y/n, sorry..... uhm.. for the noise." Though the coldness, he still smiled at you reassuring you that it's really true this time. You can still see a glimpse of worry when he did a second look after getting his eyes off for the first time.

Him on the other hand felt extremely guilty when he saw your eyebrows meeting each other in a scared way, and your voice shaking made his heart break, as he never really saw and heard you like that while talking to him. He can't believe his jealousy made him do something petty that he knows he'll also regret later on.

You went back to the counter pouting and Minho was still there, distracting the customers behind him while waiting for you to arrive. He let out a deep breath when he saw you.

"Bub, i think your man is fucking jealous. Believe me this time, wanna bet?" he whisphered while you take other orders.

"Confess already y/n, he might— will act cold after this, talkin from experience.. and i too would leave a "so called bestie" that i like if she had found someone to love already.." he added.

"... including me?" you teased, though what he said had affected your senses because you know there isn't someone other than Jisung inside your heart.

"Shut up ma'am, i met you when you're already head over heels over jisung, and p.s, I don't want you, ew?" he teased as he feels the uneasiness after you going out from the kitchen.

"I think.. he's just plainly angry though, i'll talk to him later.. and.... try to confess.. you better be ready because i might crash to your apartment when things just get worse."

"Gotchu y/n! i better download movies so i can fix thy heart by then, just text me okai?"

Jisung overheard Minho's last sentence so he himself brought the coffee to him while glaring at him. "Thank you, Please go now!" He told Minho, almost pushing him outside.

Minho then grinned and winked at you before closing the cafe's door. Jisung didn't even look at you as he straight up returned to the kitchen.

It's 8:30 am and the workers for the next shift have arrived already, so you and Jisung are now on the locker room, folding both of your aprons as well as your caps. At this point, you aren't really sure if your sleepover would still push through considering his attitude towards you earlier.

You were suprised when he hang his hand on the air, waiting for yours to interwine when you had finished cleaning already, you didn't even notice him waiting for you as you are clouded with negative thoughts.

You grabbed his hand and you both walked to his car while nobody is still speaking.

"Ji.. uhm i need to... tell you something later." You finally broke the silent conversation you have been going through while you were arranging your seatbelt.

His eyes dropped and did a blink that shows his regret and a bit of weariness, he thinks he already know what you need to tell him. He then reached to your side as he memorized that you still don't know how to buckle your seatbelt when you're on the front seat.

"Sure thing y/n, be 100% comfy telling me things because i will always root for whatever that'll... make you happy." He smiled at you, wearily, and patted your head; you wondered why he's suddenly being nice and sad at the same time after the commotion earlier. Weird.

You both arrived at his apartment without talking to each other. Immediately going to his large couch, you had the sight of the blankets and pillows that were already there, as if he already planned it all beforehand. You just shrugged it off, thinking he just tried to sleep here earlier, no biggie.

Rain started to pour, the living room lights and the tv were turned off, making the windows beside you the only source of light that brightens the room. It made the place serene with the sound of the thunderstorms acting like the music from the vinyls playing at bright daylight.

You curled your body in a comfy way on the large couch, not bothering to wait for Jisung which is still not in the living room. Maybe you're just gonna talk to him later when you both woke up. You're gonna be rejected anyway.

Senseless thoughts had clouded your mind again, thinking what would you even do in this world if you don't have him anymore. Maybe you'll just drink everyday. Maybe you're gonna find someone in school, on a dating app, on Twitter. Maybe you're just gonna enter the convent. These thoughts made you dizzy and sleepy.

You're half asleep already when you felt his body spooning you from behind, cuddling you while sniffing your hair. Jisung wrapped his hands below your chest, gripping and hugging them tight as if it is the last time he's gonna hold you.

"you still awake?" he asked huskily, you hesitated to answer because he might let go if you did, so you stayed silent.

"you know, i kinda know this moment would come.." he started off, his breathes are getting slower as you feel them on you shoulder.

"i clearly know you'd fall for someone who you'd want to be with the rest of your life.."

"im... honestly not prepared for it.." your heart dropped. You weren't sure if he means something about this or he's just plainly concerned as your best friend.

"i cried in my room if you didn't notice why i was away suddenly... I can't let go of you, pumpkin.."

You seriously don't know what was he talking about but when you felt your shoulders wet, you knew he was serious about it. You and Minho really do give different ideas to people..

"i hope that Minho boy would take care of pumpkin..." pumpkin.... something that helps people see better.. you make him see better ??

"she deserves so much care..."

"and affection.."

"and love..."

"and hugs..."

"and.. kisses.."

He's still sniffing while hugging you, this time tighter than he was doing earlier. The sound of his low sobs have mixed up with the rain drops as they hit the houses' roofs.

"i love you my pumpkin.."

"im sorry i blew up the chance to be the one to take care of you for the rest of your life.."

Tears started to run through your cheeks slowly, he had never addressed you pumpkin before, thinking about how he thinks of you as "his pumpkin" melted your whole existence apart and it just made you wanna cling and cry on his chest all day. You told yourself you're gna let go if he tells you he likes you right at that moment which you knew was never gna happen— that he's just saying this out of care and concern because afterall, you're his best friend.

"my pumpkin.."

"i like you so much if you still don't get it.. i wanna take you with old ji.. i wanna explore the world with you... everytime you shine, I'll shine for you.."

"i wish im just.. dreaming and th.. at when i wake up, my pumpkin would... say she wanna be with me too..." he sleepily says, his grip on your stomach is now loosening, making you able to move.

You moved while whining as if you're misunderstood. Tears started to flow like waterfall, they just don't stop. You faced his chest and tugged your leg on his waist as if he's the plushie you hug to sleep.

"ji.. what the fuck are you saying?" you cried on his chest like a kid begging her mother to take them with her wherever they were going.

Jisung didn't flinch at all, he just hugged you again, this time caressing your hair and rubbing your back as you let go of your tears on his chest... he has stopped sobbing, but you still feel him getting weak and sad through his breathes.. He thought about this as your good bye hug. That this'll be the last time he's gonna be within your embrace.

"baby,, you can tell me whatever that you wanted to tell me earlier now.." the huskiness didn't leave his voice, you're still sobbing and crying on his chest like you don't wanna stop at all.

"i can't... at this state i just.. wanna.. cry all day.. while hugging you.. " you struggled to say 'em words while crying so hard.

"shhhh, hush baby, you'll just hurt me more if you don't stop.. please stop... crying... i might act carelessly and steal you from whoever has got my.. pumpkin's heart..." he said, almost a whisper.

"baby" you started..

"i wanted to confess.."

"i like you jiji.. for a very long time already.."

"i don't intend to hurt you at all by my tears, i just wanna cry it all out.."

"you have called me pumpkin for so many times and you expect me to be fine as i am??" you're still crying btw..

jisung flinched a little this time, thinking if he had heard those words right from you

"bunny, what did you say? i feel like im hearing things right now because of this desperation im feeling, fuck.. i wish i was hearing you right" he said, now hugging you tighter.

You really love how your body melts completely whenever he tightens the hug like he really don't want to let go of you, even for a single split of sec.

"pumpkin loves you too jiji.."

"im trying to confess and... i thought you'll just reject me so i didn't bother waiting for you earlier.."

"pumpkin didn't want anyone else babe,,"

"she just wanted your care.. your affection... your hugs.. your kisses.."

"pumpkin just wanted you.." you had stopped crying but you're now having hiccups while cooing onto jisung's chest.

"you don't have to sleep to hear them baby.."

"i wanna be with you too. everytime you smile, i'll smile too.. you can jump then fall here baby.."

"pumpkin will catch you wholeheartedly.." you finally looked up to jisung, whose eyes are watery again.

"i love you jisung", you whisphered and gave him a peck on the lips.

He was caught off guard, but he immediately got himself together.

When you let go and were on your way to return to his chest, he pulled your head again into a kiss—this time a deeper and longer one.

You both let go, running out of breath. He kissed the top of your head while you have returned to his chest, feeling and hearing each and every beat of his heart. You stayed together that way, you didn't hear anything from Jisung but you feel him so much and you know he's never gonna leave you anymore.

You didn't even notice you have slept for hours already while hugging him. You woke up and you're still at that exact position when you were a crying mess. It was nearly 5 pm and you still don't have the energy to let go from his embrace. You really meant it when you said you wanted to cling onto his chest all day.

You moved upwards a little bit to level your face to Jisung's while he's still sleeping. You caressed his temples down to his chin, admiring his cheeks that you have been wanting to bite since then, and you kissed each and every mole, which you loved the most. They were stars to you, making your eyes gleam in awe every single time you try to look at them. You have hoped you were his lover from your past lives— that you were the one who kissed him the most on those particular parts of his pretty face.

"You're so pretty to be pumpkin's man, jiji" you said and giggled, as if he was gna hear you.

You were caught off guard when he pulled you carefully to his chest, rubbing your back again.

"She loves to be called pumpkin huh?" he cheekily said, despite his voice being still husky.. you didn't know he was awake already. Was he just waiting for you to wake up then?

You tied onto his body for the nth time.

"s-she does.. i guess.. ?? and she.. wants to hug you longer.."

You heard him chuckle and wiggled both of your bodies together as if a kid who's happily playing with his teddy bear.

Your breathes steadied, Jisung had finally processed every word that came out from your mouth, finally jumping to fall into you.

"The moon will be pretty tonight, y/n." he cooed. You find it amusing how he don't flinch at all despite you clinging onto him for almost 9 hours now.

"I love you too, Jisung.."

[koushisatori]

Anniversary

First of all: If you happen to stumble across this, please cut me some slack and be gentle with me. English is not my mother tongue, and on top of that, I got rusty by procrastinating everything (literally) for the last half-year (*μ_��) I am apologizing in advance if something is weirdly written.

This is also my first ever piece of fanfiction, so I have to get used to that to :(( So if you got ideas or anything, I’ll gladly try to fulfill your wishes to simultaneously improve my writing.

Hmm, is there anything else? I hope not, and if there is, I’ll add it !! 

tendou x f!reader

genre: small bit of angst, fluff

warnings: none

word count: 2.7k

note: /

__________________________________________________________

usually, your relationship with Tendou is smooth sailing, both of you decided to take the step of moving in together relatively early, exceeding the common couples limit by not only doing this barely a year into your relationship but doing so in a different country far from your family and friends

(both of you learning french together to survive a new life in an absolutely foreign country...however, the first months of grocery shopping were disastrous ) 

you both became a couple in your last year at Shiratorizawa, surprising absolutely....well,...no one, honestly

every person just seeing a moment of your interactions with each other would have guessed that you already were dating

Tendou and you were the embodiment of being disgustingly in love - like people see you and feel  s i n g l e wanting to have what you two obviously found with the other

(SemiSemi, to this day, shudders violently thinking about how he caught you two making out in the storage room a week after Tendou finally confessed to you <3) 

anyway

while Tendou followed his dream of becoming a chocolatier, you began to study - enter: stress

after finishing his required training he got a job at a high-class factory (everything his handmade and super expensive?? You’re just so lucky to be his better half and get to taste his creations for free)

they value his skills and invest in him to become better, but that also means that his time for you shrank even more

you understood that, of course, and it's not like you didn’t spend a lot of your times crouching over books either with being close to receiving your first degree

in general, your fights are stressed-induced, and as quickly forgotten as they came up bc...let’s not beat around the bush, both of you are shit at staying mad at the other, especially if it means cutting short the already sparse time you currently have <3

they’re usually about petty stuff, too

recently though it happens more regularly and they ever so slowly started to border on painful

he stays at work for longer to perfect his already otherworldly skills; and your patience is running thin with all the deadlines and exams putting immense pressure on you

both of you are just so unsatisfied and stressed and...so fucking tired

it’s always forgivable though

you don’t mind planned dinner dates turning into movie nights with him falling asleep on you after what feels like seconds

because he’s there, pressing his face into your side or stomach hard enough for you to wonder if he’s trying to suffocate himself, while his long arms are around your waist holding onto you as if his life depends on it

he doesn’t mind being splayed across your lap watching the latest episodes of his series while you type away on your laptop, even though you were supposed to enjoy a nice weekend lazying in front of the tv with him 

a forgotten date hasn’t killed you yet as well, but the amount of times it was currently happening allowed insecurities to have their way with you

both of you always make up for it one way or another (leaving an apology breakfast or even taking it to bed, buying flowers, sharing the sweet kisses you were supposed to enjoy the night before,...) 

but this time, he didn’t just forget to be on time for any date.

he completely missed your anniversary

you spend the whole afternoon cooking his favorite dish for dinner, making yourself all pretty for him, wearing the jewelry he got you for your birthday, it was some kind of tradition by now

just to be stood up, dinner turning cold and your mood sour

no message, no callback

around 11pm he - finally ! - gets in touch with you 

‘‘(Y/N)!! Bunny, did something happen? Did you miss me so much?’’

you could hear the dopey grin he was wearing while teasing you, one you usually loved, one that was contagious

but it didn’t help the pain and disappointment nesting in your heart, right now

he really didn’t remember

was the date so insignificant to him? were you no longer a priority?

you swallow around the lump in your throat, desperately begging your brain to not amplify your insecurities even more

‘’No...it’s...it’s alright, I just wanted to know when you’re home...’’ your attempt to keep the doubts and pain you experienced that second hidden was pointless, because even on the phone, your boyfriend was able to look right through you

‘‘Bunny what’s wrong?’’ he asks worriedly

normally you’d say that it was alright, that you’d speak later or directly say what was bugging you so terribly

this time...you didn’t feel like talking or maybe even fighting, scared that he might confirm your thoughts and leave you

‘’It’s nothing, Tendou,...’’ you hear him wince, you can’t remember the last time you called him that ’’don’t bother with me if it’s not as important to you.’’ 

‘‘Not as...’’ a moment of silence follows, in which he checked the date and, lastly, Tendou understood ‘’Oh. Oh shit, (Y/N),...Bunny, please, wait for me, please, let me explain...’‘

It’s not the answer you wanted (on the other hand, what answer would that be?)

‘‘I waited...and I’m tired,’‘ you add without thinking, hanging up before he even got the chance to answer

while you don’t want things to end...you can’t help but think ‘what if?’ - that thought alone though is enough for the dams to burst

With a soft groan, you blink your burning eyes open, noticing your spine protesting and pop from the uncomfortable position you fell asleep in. A glance at the alarm clock elicited another tired groan, the 4 on display mocking you. 

The burning and overall sluggish feeling controlling your body immediately reminded you of the things that had taken place. That his scent surrounding you arose solely due to his pillow in which you had pressed your face.

While you obviously weren’t on the best of terms right now, a small part of you was still hopeful and reached out across the bed in search for the warmth your red-haired better half usually provided. Unsurprisingly, your hand met a cold bed half.

An annoyed sigh later, you sat up and rubbed over your eyes angrily. You were hurt, which should be understandable, but remembering his overly happy tone even with evident tiredness underlaying it, you guessed that he didn’t stay behind on purpose and that, maybe, something good had happened. So to say, you as well behaved like an idiot.

Suddenly, you remember the last sentence you said. Realizing what it implied, you felt like banging your head against the wall. You wanted to be understood by him. What you didn’t want was to give Satori the time to allow his anxious tendencies to fester while he was alone, foregoing untrue, negative ideas. The fact that he still wasn’t in bed with you, was proof enough which lead to you cursing out loud.

While your last words towards him told something differently, you surely didn’t want to leave him or him to leave you. Both of you could work things out, you always did, and…well, you always hoped that it would stay that way until you had lived a fulfilling life as a couple, with grey hair and wrinkles taking your last breath together wherever life would lead the two of you.

The simple solution was to communicate like the grown adults you are. 

Determined to talk through it the way you should have done earlier and maybe...just maybe get some cuddles afterward, you swung your legs out from under the blankets. After you quickly put on some warm, worn-out socks, you quietly leave the bedroom and tip-toe through the hallway.

You expected the apartment to be silent, to be dark. What you didn’t expect is the soft light coming from your shared kitchen. Or the clinking noises of bowls and pots colliding lightly, lowly muttered, sleepy curses, and even quieter sniffles interrupting the barrage of words from time to time.

Upon hearing those little sounds - no doubt coming from your anxious boyfriend - your heart clenched painfully in your chest. This is your injudicious doing. Straightening your back, you stepped into the kitchen, slightly squinting against the much harsher ceiling lights assaulting your eyes.

The original plan was to offer a heartfelt apology, and follow it up by an honest declaration of love and the proposal to talk about everything. There were a lot of things that needed to be cleared up between you and Tendou. But after entering the kitchen, you came to an abrupt halt.

Your eyes wandered, lingering on cuts, burns, and blisters that blemished your boyfriends' pretty fingers. Slowly, your gaze continued to move up his arms and shoulders, tensed and screaming out his fear of losing you. For a moment, you hesitated, but you eventually lifted your gaze to meet his wide eyes, as red-rimmed and puffy as yours. He looked like a deer caught in headlights. Normally, you would find it adorable and stretch your hands out to cup his cheeks (not to pull him down, definitely not) and press a kiss to his lips...but right now? You really just felt like crying, seeing your Satori so heartbroken over something you said carelessly in the heat of the moment.

Suddenly wincing, Tendou quickly pulls back his hand to his chest away from the hot stove. Yet, he did not dare to break eye contact with you. Seemingly afraid that what he currently saw is nothing but a sleep-deprivation induced hallucination. That you would just vanish if he so much dared to even think of blinking.

The stupor rooting you to the spot though vanished in favor of closing the gap between the two of you to help him.

‘‘Tori...’‘ you croaked worriedly, eyes flickering down to his hands and back up to his watery, sad eyes. ‘‘I’m so sorry,’’ you whispered. Any louder and your voice might break. ’’...let me take care of you.’‘ 

You turned off the stove before you gently tugged Tendou behind you to the bathroom. Making him sit on the edge of the small tub, you gathered everything you needed to patch him up with rehearsed movements.

For a while, both of you were silent. 

You carefully worked on disinfecting cuts and putting special creams on the different wounds and burns, while not hurting him any further. Concentrating on ignoring the thick tension of untold apologies, and fear. Doubt weighing heavy on the two of you. 

Meanwhile, Tendou couldn't help but admire your features. Your soft hair - faintly smelling like peaches and anis - falling into your face, hiding away your pretty (Y/E/C) eyes. He loved to get lost in them. Or how your tongue poked out between your lips in concentration and the little scrunch of your nose when you thought that you could have done better. 

Even in this hazy state of mind, he knew for certain that he would try to hold onto you for as long as possible. That he would do anything to make you forgive him.

After you finished gently wrapping band-aids (silly ones with colorful patterns just the way you both love) around his fingers, on his palm, and back of his hand, he quickly moved them to hold onto yours.

‘‘Don’t leave me.’‘ Tendou's voice is just above a whisper, and if you wouldn't have been that close to him as you were, you would have missed it. But you could hear him, and your eyes immediately met his, filling with tears all over again.

‘‘Satori, I’m-’‘

‘‘(Y/N), please...please, don’t leave me. I’m so sorry. Of course, I care. Our relationship, you...nothing’s as important to me as you are. It was the only thing keeping me sane that last week. I don't know why I forgot about it. I truly feel horrible.'' he started. ''Please, believe me. I love you so, so much. I...I can’t imagine a life without you. I don’t want to.’’ Even with his voice quivering, it was crystal clear just how serious his words were to him. 

He needed to get it out in the open. There was no way in hell that he would allow any doubts about your relationship to fester in your mind.

‘’I was held back to talk about the upcoming Christmas preparations that I’m supposed to be leading this year, and then I was called into the boss’ office and I couldn’t check my phone,’‘ the desperation to explain still evident, Tendou resorted to rambling about the happenings of the day.

‘‘I’m sorry for hurting you, but Bunny, I beg you...I know that we haven't had enough time those last weeks, that we didn't have any if we’re honest. I understand that you must feel neglected. I will change that, give me a chance to make you forgive me, please.’‘ 

It wasn’t like you wanted to cry again, but the tears rolling down your cheeks seemed to have a mind on their own. ‘’ ‘Tori...’’ you sniffled, your voice breaking away at the last syllable. ‘’Can I hug you?’’  

The relief on his face spoke volumes, and before you even got the chance to make good on your words, he already stands tall in front of you, enveloping you tightly.

Securely wrapped up in Satoris’ arms, you feel like coming home after months away. Or like taking in the first gasp of fresh air after holding your breath underwater for too long. With Tendou holding onto you like this, you found the strength to answer.

''I'm sorry, too...I love you so much, and...I know you always have a reason, and it was childish to hang up on you and leave you worrying alone instead of talking to you. And...if you neglected me those last weeks, then I did the same. We both were too busy for each other...'' 

After a short pause, you ask: ''B-but we can work it out, right?’’ Slowly, you looked up to him. ‘’I want to spend my life with you, Satori. Don’t listen to dumb me 5 hours earlier. 5-hours-ago-me was so stupid, and petty, and does not reflect my true wishes,’’ you added. ’’No one of our old friends wanted to put up with me the last week because I’m so head over heels in love with you and all I do is tell them ‘’You should have seen what Tori did for me’’ and what I plan to do for you...I can feel them roll their eyes from the other side of the world!’’

Suddenly aware of your very honest words, you pushed your face against his chest to hide your burning cheeks. Embarrassment painting them in a pretty hue of pink. 

Tendou hadn't realized that he had actually held his breath listening to your words until he chuckled a bit breathlessly. The remaining tension possessing both of your bodies faded away after that, allowing you to relish in the feeling of having the other in your arms again.

After a while, you bravely gazed up at him again, even with your cheeks still set ablaze. ''Come to bed?'' And with a sweet smile, one that reached his eyes and made your heart stutter, he nodded. 

Things between the two of you weren't ideal quite yet, Tendou kknew that much. But they would be. Tomorrow would be a new day. You would hopefully agree to celebrate your anniversary a day later. He hoped, that you would agree to spend it with him from the first second you woke up to the very last before you fell asleep. You will hopefully enjoy the news that his promotion was topped with holidays that allowed you to spend Christmas and New Year's Eve with your families in Japan.

He also hoped for you to say yes when, surrounded by your friends, he would ask you to marry him under the Cherry Blossoms in spring.

Things weren't quite ideal, but watching your peaceful expression while sleeping on his chest, he knew, all the up and downs were worth powering through. He would embrace every hardship if that meant keeping you by his side forever.

[uncloseted]

How Can I Care Less About My Image Like Effy? Less About Impressing Others And More About Just Doing What I Like Without Letting Them Influence Me?

Anonymous said:

So I have some problems with my confidence. I can be confident at times but it lasts for a very short time and I begin analysing every part of myself and find new insecurities. Sometimes it makes me feel really disgusting so any advice?? Thank you for this blog btw

Anonymous said:

Even though there are people who like me I feel like I'm not a likeable person because I'm insecure and this gets in the way of me socialising, having fun and having good relationships with people. How do I stop feeling this way?

Anonymous said:

last night i had the worst breakdown i’ve had in foreve about how ugly i was, every single detail about myself was so prominent and i’ve fallen so deep down this hole where i couldn’t hate myself more. i’m so unattractive andthat’s the only thing that people give a fuck about , relatives, friends, family, employers, it’s consumed my life. sometimes i’ll look in the mirror and like what i see &for that fleeting moment i’m so fucking happy you can’t imagine but then i go back to seeing the truth

Anonymous said:

I hate myself. How do I mask my insecurities and make people think I'm confident and make it look like don't care about what they think?

Anonymous said:

how can i appear more confident?

Anonymous said:

how do i deal with fear of being judged? I'm always so scared that people I've known for a long time will remember embarrassing things I've done and still laugh at me for it

Anonymous said:

I'm so insecure because I care so much what people think, its so bad that I don't even want to leave my house. When I go out with all my friends, almost all of them get complimented somehow and I never do, it might sound selfish or something but it really brings down my self esteem, I start feeling like I'm invisible or that people only hang out with me because they feel bad for me, and it makes me want to stop being social/getting out of the house, etc.

Anonymous said:

I sometimes hate my face so much and I feel so insecure and it's the worst feeling :( I hope I like the way I look one day but it seems so hard.

Anonymous said:

I can’t be confident with myself, I’m a huge ppl pleaser bc it feels like is the only way to keep them around, and I guess that’s ok but what frustrastes me the most is the fact that ppl don’t see me or my personality, it’s like I’m just there to help them out, to be their side kick... whenever I try to be confident I cringe at myself... How can I feel more secure with myself?

More than any other question, the thing I get asked most is how to build self-confidence, overcome insecurities, and deal with the fear of being judged.  In this post, I’m going to put every tip and trick I know about becoming confident, no matter who you are and the situation you’re in.

The first thing to remember about confidence is that people aren’t drawn to people because they’re beautiful, or smart, or kind, or fun, or interesting.  People are drawn to people who are confident.  If you’re confident and weird, you’re not weird, you’re a visionary.  If you’re confident and ugly, you’re not ugly, you’re “unconventionally beautiful” or a trendsetter.  If you’re confident and overly serious, you’re not boring, you’re a leader.  A lot of people think it’s the other way around- that only beautiful, smart, charming people who are well-liked can be confident- but it’s not true.  To use a Skins example, Tony’s not a good person.  He’s manipulative and cruel.  But people like him (at least in the beginning) and go along with what he says because he’s confident.  The same goes for Katie.  You can argue about whether she’s objectively the most attractive girl in the group, but she acts confident in herself and in her appearance, and it works. Lots of guys are attracted to her.  So that’s the first thing- don’t focus on changing yourself (physically or emotionally) in the hopes that you’ll be more confident.  Instead, focus on changing your mindset to that of a confident person.  It will make a huge difference. 

Of course, that’s all easier said than done, and the process of building self confidence can take a while.  In the meantime, while you’re on the journey of actually becoming confident, one thing that can help is “faking it until you make it”.  When you’re going about your day, ask yourself, “how would a confident person who’s never experienced insecurity or anxiety handle this situation”?  Then do what a confident person would do.  If you have a really confident friend, it can help to imagine what they would do in a given situation and then do that.  Pretend everyone you meet already loves you and thinks you’re great.  Pretend like you think you’re great.  It will feel uncomfortable at first, but you’ll start getting used to it and the “confident” responses to things will start feeling normal.  One thing that can make this a little bit easier is to talk to yourself in the second person.  By saying things like “you’ve got this”, your brain will (sort of) feel like you’re receiving advice from somebody else, which is more motivating than getting advice from ourselves.

There are also some exercises you can use to build your self confidence on your own. Some of you have heard this one before, so bare with me, but the first thing I suggest is:  every morning, look at yourself in the mirror and say some things you like about yourself.  I know you probably feel like you can’t find any, but try.  Focus on those things that you like and try to only focus on those things.  Write them down, either physically (on a sticky note on your mirror, maybe) or in your phone.  Each day, try to add a new thing to the list.  When you’re out and about, remember those things that you like about yourself, focus on them, and try to draw attention to them.  When other people compliment you, add those to your list as well.  I think eventually by recognizing all of the things that you like about yourself, you’ll be able to feel like there are things about you that you can be confident in, and you won’t focus so much on the things that you feel are negative.  These don’t have to just be things that are physical.  You should include things you like about your personality as well.

I mentioned this trick the other day, but I want to put it here as well.  A lot of people who are insecure use deprecating humor to cope and as a bid to get other people to like them.  But I think that can be really emotionally damaging.  Like Hannah Gadsby said in Nanette, “I have built a career out of self-deprecating humor, and I don’t want to do that anymore..do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? It’s not humility. It’s humiliation. I put myself down in order to speak, in order to seek permission to speak, and I simply will not do that anymore, not to myself or anybody who identifies with me.”  Self-deprecation impacts our self-esteem, and it impacts the way people around us view us.  The more times we say something, even as a joke, the more we start to believe it, and the more the people around us start to believe it.  So instead, make fun of yourself by pretending you’re really, really cocky.  If you trip and fall, instead of saying, “I’m such a disaster”, replace it with “I’m the epitome of grace and beauty”.  If you make a piece of art and you think it sucks, say, “Obviously I’m the next Di Vinci/Michelangelo/whatever.”  If you say something dumb, instead of saying, “I’m so stupid,” say, “I’m clearly the next Einstein.”  You still get to make a joke and diffuse any awkwardness the situation has, but you also get practice saying nice things about yourself.  And eventually, you’ll get so used to saying nice things about yourself as a joke that it won’t feel so weird to say those things about yourself in a serious way, too.

For those people who feel insecure about things they did in their past, try and think of something embarrassing one of your friends has done.  Can you think of anything?  The vast majority of people remember their own embarrassing moments really vividly, but don’t remember things other people have done at all.  Reminding yourself that you’re probably the only one who remembers or cares about the mistake you made can help you let go.  The mistakes you’ve made in the past are learning experiences that you’ve grown from and changed from, and the fact that you’re embarrassed by them is a good thing.  It means that you’re not that person anymore- that you’ve become someone better.  I think that’s something to celebrate instead of something to cringe at.  It can also help to talk to yourself as if you were a friend who’s remembering an embarrassing moment. Would you tell them how embarrassing that moment was and how much they suck?  Probably not.  You’d be nice to them and tell them things will be okay.  Talk to yourself like you would a friend.

The fact that people aren’t paying attention to what you’re doing doesn’t just apply to cringey things you did in your past.  People are unlikely to remember that one time you tried a new hairstyle or wore an unusual piece of clothing.  They’re unlikely to remember that one time you asked someone out and they rejected you.  So many of the social pressures we feel can be remedied by remembering that most people are way too worried about what they’re doing and how they appear to the world to care about what you’re doing. 

One more piece of advice- stop comparing yourself to other people.  The old adage, “comparison is the thief of joy” is totally, scientifically proven to be true.  Comparing ourselves to other people (or to TV shows, movies, characters in books, etc) makes us much less happy because we’re comparing everything we know about ourselves, good and bad, with a curated version of this person.  We don’t see them when they wake up in the morning with crusty eyes and frizzy hair, or when they have the flu, or when they’re overwhelmed and anxious and lashing out at the people around them.  But the truth is that everyone, even the people you think have perfect lives that you see on social media, are just people.  They have bad habits and negative traits and days where they’re not at their best, just like the rest of us.  If you really want to start being confident, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to mute or unfollow the people who make you feel insecure online, and replace them with people who inspire you- artists or activists or cute videos of animals, whatever works.  You’ll never be able to feel good about yourself if you’re constantly tracking all the ways in which you feel you don’t measure up.  But you will if you’re constantly seeing all the ways in which you do.

Last thing. Basic life care stuff, like good posture, exercising, eating well, sleeping well, meditating, and just generally practicing self-care and taking care of yourself can improve your confidence as well.  If you’re not starting on a strong foundation, it’s hard to build anything that will last.  But if your foundation is solid, all of the things you do to build your self-confidence on top of that will be, too.

[toneelspeelster]

portraying trauma, a skam and remakes comparison

disclaimer: i’ll start this by saying this meta will be critical of the way wtfock portrayed their version of a traumatic experience (the gay bashing). if you do not want to engage with criticism on this, i’d advise you not to read. this will also discuss only a few versions (skam, druck, skam nl and wtfock) in particular because i didn’t want to make it too long and because i feel these versions deal with trauma in an interesting way. 

common reactions

in any case, i’d like to start with common reactions after experiencing a traumatic event, be it a sexual assault, emotional assault, physical assault etc.

1. anxiety and fear 2. re-experiencing of the trauma. 3. increased vigilance 4. avoidance 5. anger 6. guilt/shame 7. grief/depression 8. self image and view of the world is negative, trust is difficult. 9. difficulty with sexual relationships 10. substance abuse (i’d include negative coping mechanisms here too).  source

now, i mention this not because i think every remake hits these but rather because i want people to see what commonly happens after traumatic events to people and how wtfock in one instance (robbe/sander) misses the mark completely while in another (zoe) it actually sort of works. and how other remakes have dealt with the subject matter. 

first off: skam

to start with even’s traumatic experience and his response. i’m starting with even mostly because it’s the original series, not necessarily bc i think it’s the most elegant portrayal (bc it’s definitely not). but in essence, what it does show is the effect of a traumatic event in the long run. even’s experience at bakka, where he kissed one of his friends he had a crush on; who rejected him; even being in a manic episode; resulting in a suicide attempt and his self inforced isolation from his best friends by going to another school and ignoring their messages - it’s touched upon in his initial season but expanded in season 4. and still at least one year later, still even freezes up in fear immediately after seeing his friends. even is incredibly anxious; it’s clear he’s recalling past memories he’s been trying to avoid for forever; he feels immensely guilty (he wants to see elias, he really does, he just doesn’t know how) and even though i think even’s self image is not necessarily the result of this experience, it does have an even more negative effect on his self-image. even has difficulties liking himself, seeing worth in himself, even in season 4. after reconciling w him (however that even went we don’t know) he appears in one of their vlogs and still you can see how uncomfortable it makes him to talk about it. but, this is what it ends on: you see the strength of even reaching out to those he loves and for them being able to reach out to him too. in the end, it’s healing. it is discussed throughout the season.

 then, numbers two: druck and skam nl

i’m combining these two in one entry bc i feel like these two portrayals deal with the repercussions of traumatic experiences to the life of these two very well. 

first off, we have david, who came out as transgender at a previous school and was met with intense transphobic reactions; deadnaming, invasive personal questions and just generally awful treatment by people - it resulted in david feeling very unsafe, difficulties sleeping and hiding and running away in the hopes of avoiding these situations. it affects his world view of the world as unkind, and him forcing himself to be okay with being alone bc the only one he trusts is himself. he doesn’t let people too close (wanting to stay anonymous) and when matteo breaks up with sarah he runs bc matteo is getting too close. and then, it happens again. he’s outed on social media in his new school, having difficulties even doing his exams bc his teacher is being a transphobic dick and he’s scared of both him and the kids at school. he then, after staying with his godmother, hides himself away at an unsafe, abandoned pool and even staying there for a night. 

then, we have liv. earlier in her life, she’s implied to have had an eating disorder - a traumatic experience in itself. and although she seems very aware of her needing to be careful not to fall into those patterns again, it unfortunately does come to the front again when faced with the fact that she’s been sexually assaulted in her sleep and it’s been filmed without consent. as an eating disorder survivor, i’d say her body is already something she might have difficulties with. to combine that with sexual assault.. it results in liv isolating herself at home, resorting to doing her white(!) laundry multiple times in one week and her stress baking cookies only for her to give them to her roommates. her mum even asks her if she’s eating well - for a mother who seems emotionally and physically distant otherwise, liv must’ve not sounded well. even when she seems a little bit better, engel still comes over to check up on liv and cook for her. engel has similar ed experiences so she knows it’s not something that’s just gone one second to the next. 

these portrayals work well bc it is clear that their experiences have become a detriment to their view of the world and result in them resorting to very unhealthy coping mechanisms. they both clearly feel the loss of control, the triggering of (past) experiences; the avoidance and the isolation. liv feels immense shame, david feels immense anger and fear - they both have difficulties trusting people, even the ones they care about the most. 

but, in the end? 

david does let matteo subtly know where he is, bc he knows matteo will see him and find him. matteo calls him even out on it: you are not a damned vampire who needs to hide away, he says - something that david didn’t even see about himself until matteo told him. he finds support in matteo and all of his friends and his sister. he doesn’t need to be alone anymore. 

and liv? she tells her friends about her troubles eventually, and they support her wholeheartedly, telling her it’s not her fault and flashing boobs while doing so. liv finds the strength to confront her attacker and blackmailing him, and eventually her boyfriend tells her she needs to go to the police to report his brother. 

these are both david’s season-long storyline and liv’s multiple episode storyline (all her clips for the first week after her experience focus solely on this). it’s healing to see this happen to survivors of these experiences. 

as a ender: wtfock

i think it’s important to establish first that this is first and foremost about robbe/sander’s gay bashing. robbe and sander have been dating approximately three days when they are violently and verbally assaulted and seemingly left for dead in antwerp’s streets. the next episode makes a point of robbe and sander being hurt badly with bruises and cuts and black eyes, robbe doesn’t sleep much and is irritated quickly and sander has a very weird reaction to violence in general and doesn’t want to go to the police. later, robbe is scared that sander was put off by the idea of going to the police, that he felt forced. within that same first episode, robbe tells milan the true story and zoe a little off story and they react sympathetically, zoe even offering her doctor. robbe’s mum’s psych also refers him to a therapist and he calls her. 

but then the storyline, after episode 6? it ends? milan seems to weirdly reference it sometimes but it doesn’t come to any conclusion in the end. after reconciling sander and robbe have no trouble kissing in front of everyone. there’s no sense of robbe or sander having internalised a different world view after this experience. they even never discuss it ever again after that first week. robbe going to a therapist is not even shown or referenced at all, even with the opportunity being there with social media updates. there’s no real repercussions, except for loss of sleep and sander maybe sort of seeing it as a way of destroying something time and again but that’s more his world view bc of his mental illness i’d say. it’s a storyline for one episode, that’s it. and with how irresponsibly they portrayed it by not immediately showing them being alright or together or taken care off but waiting hours for an update, it triggered a hella lot of audience members instead. as a bisexual woman myself, i felt scared watching that. 

zoe’s storyline of having to testify even got more of an appropriate portrayal as she’s scared to testify and also feels pushed by the people who love her the most (milan and senne). her breaking up w senne feels more an actual genuine decision bc of messed up feelings about the whole situation (senne being quite... aggressive with how he approaches her about it sometimes.. it felt like he wanted it for himself mostly, not for her). her not being able to sleep and feeling exhausted, months after the actual traumatic experience happened. it has an effect on her and how she responds and how she makes decisions.

conclusion

experiences like these have repercussions. but apparently in belgium only sexual assault results in trauma. gay bashing doesn’t. it had no true purpose except to educate straight people about the plight of lgbt people being attacked violently. but, as people far more eloquent than i have said, why? homophobes will not watch this series and suddenly turn around. and the world is damned if people just don’t realise that beating up people is bad and shouldn’t happen. 

the true purpose of skam is to teach people of all kinds, and to show people of a certain minority, community or with same/different life experiences that there is hope, and a lot more to them than just what they have experienced. now even the good portrayals could have all benefitted from telling the audience that it’s good and okay to go to therapy about this... but at least they didn’t shy away from a storyline that shows how deep this runs for people. they devoted time to it.

and that’s all wtfock really needed to do if wanting to make a point by including this. they didn’t. it’s sensational fodder at best. and i think that the characters as well as the audience?

they deserved better than that. 

[a-very-fond-farewell]

The forbidden crack! Untamed prompts: 18/?

University AU: “Negative Space”

[ok so, self projection is a bitch, but I am petty to myself on a regular basis so it’s ok]

[title is from the Japanese concept “ma”, which Wikipedia describes as:

“a Japanese word which can be roughly translated as ‘gap’, ‘space’, ‘pause’ or ‘the space between two structural parts.’ In traditional Japanese arts and culture, ma is more carefully defined as the suggestion of an interval. It is best described as a consciousness of a sense of place, with the ‘intervals’ suggested often being more than simple gaps, instead focusing on the intention of a negative space in an art piece.

Ma is not necessarily an art concept created by compositional elements, such as the literal existence of a negative space. Instead, the intention is often to create the perception of an interval in the viewer experiencing the elements forming an art piece, making maless reliant on the existence of a gap, and more closely related to the perceived experience of a gap.

Ma has also been described as ‘an emptiness full of possibilities, like a promise yet to be fulfilled’, and as ‘the silence between the notes which make the music’.”

Fun fact: “ma” also means “but” in Italian, which is what usually follows whatever intrusive thought may plague my mind. Eg: “I may be useless now, BUT just you wait until I get some dopamine to get me through this shitty times.”]

*

Wei Ying never asked for much in his life. He’s content with cleaning classrooms and toilets and nobody can beat him at wiping the marble floors if he works hard enough. Granny Wen, his supervisor, is slightly impressed with his ability to make the wood shine for ages to come. His nephew Jin Ling sometimes comes to check on him when he’s done with senior classes or cram school in the evening, and together they sit down and listen to whatever his older friends in music production came up with during the day. Jiang Cheng occasionally would ask him to keep him company while he grades papers and they bitch about ZiXuan and his inability to dote on their sister. The cafeteria ladies are always nice to him and they give him extra congee because they worry for his questionable consumption of spice products.

He’s fine, really.

So why can’t he stop wandering over to the science building these days? Looking for a clean board to use, for an equation to finally solve? Even if in the end he just takes the chalk in hand and simply stares down at the inky surface in front of him, unable to write. His mind working on a software too advanced for the hardware that constitutes his brain.

Thirteen years. It has been already thirteen years and yet it feels like yesterday, or like it never happened at all. Like it has yet to be. Time blindness is a bitch to deal with, yet dyscalculia and ADHD makes a joke out of you when you love math on a visceral level... but you burned too bright too fast and now you function on no data and with an even shittier signal. Having a burnout at 23 should have taught him humility instead of pride, but Wei Ying has always worked out of spite and certain habits are difficult to forget.

Couldn’t put the number in the right order, switching digits left and right since he was young? Fine. Numbers were concepts anyway, entire civilizations working their magic without even knowing what “zero” stood for. A brain steaming with a million ideas per second? Good. New connections brimming with ideas he could use to better the world.

It worked fine until he let himself down. Until he became a useless empty lighter, a wet match tossed out, carbon monoxide in the air.

Dropped out before finishing his very ambitious, highly dangerous for his psyche, thesis project. Aunt Yu never forgave him for that, not after paying for his advanced classes, not after trusting Uncle Jiang and supporting him despite his many flaws. What good is being first of your class every year, poster child of a teaching system done right, graduating bachelor at 21, if you can’t finish your master at 23 and get your PhD at 25 and start teaching by 27 and drive yourself insane in the process?

Wei Ying dropped out and didn’t finish his master, didn’t enroll in the teaching program, and let everyone down. His Uncle and Aunt looking down on him, whether out of pity or shame. Jiang Cheng may have been the one leaving him behind, but he used to be the one saying “you should have tried harder”. YanLi worrying over him when she should have focused on her career first. Jin Ling growing up with stories of his uncle “not being worth the money put into his education”, taught to not disappoint and make his family proud. The Jin side, that is.

And now the kid comes crawling in defeat to him instead of Jiang Cheng after bombing a test in high school. And they chat of what he would like to do and how much he likes sports and how much he despises the idea of getting a scholarship for that and being called stupid or something by his classmates. And he cries when he thinks Wei Ying cannot see him as he leaves the campus late at night.

Wei Ying didn’t even want to solve that impossible theorem he fixated on in his early twenties. His thesis project was inconsequential in the great scheme of things and his professor only wanted him to be his one trick pony in the end. No. Wei Ying wanted to teach math in elementary school, hell... even in kindergarten. He wanted to change the approach to the subject. Because numbers cannot be taught like language is and there are many ways to teach how to sum up digits and divide quantities and there are no rules on how to make sense of space either.

But how can he teach when even time eludes his senses?

Something that nobody can define, but certainly most perceive as linear... but not him. Not since his brain fried up in his attempt to function like a normal human being.

After thirteen years nothing has changed.

Until one day he hears something else aside from his usual intrusive thoughts and burdensome memories. A melody so quiet he almost mistakes it for the wind, coming from the music building.

He walks slowly, night surrounding him like the embrace of a friend as he makes his way to the traditional musical instruments room. The one where Jin Ling’s friends meet sometimes as they wait for the younger boy to join them. Wei Ying holds his breath as he spies through the gap of the door left ajar, neon light slicing his face like moonbeams as he peeks in and recognizes Jin Ling’s friends and another figure sitting on the ground, guqin on their knees.

But before he can lean in and breathe in the vibrant sounds all around, the door opens and music theory Professor Lan finds Wei Ying clutching his mop for dear life.

They said the man could see colors within the notes, that he despises language outside of his class or office and that only his brother, the history of art TA, could convince him to talk every now and then.

If numbers were created to measure space, Wei Ying firmly believed music had been invented to make sense of time and count its seconds in rhythm and notes, pauses and beats. Yet, time seems to stretch to a stop as the janitor focuses all of his attention on professor Lan’s stern face and his heart quickens its pace.

Wei Ying takes a rushed breath and dives right in with a weird sense of hope pumping in his veins. A small, timid voice whispering that life is not made to be atoned, but to move on and grow.

One step at a time.

“I’m Wei Ying, Professor Lan. May I listen while you play?”

Yes, maybe it will be enough just to let time flow at its pace.

Whatever rhythm that may be.

*

[some hcs down below]

WWX does not magically solve the math theorem. he may or may not help kids figure out how to use numbers on the long run tho. no, he will still work as a janitor and there’s nothing wrong with that.

yes, LWJ is autistic and stimms and finds WWX’s honesty soothing. yes, you can add your hcs on the matter. he has synesthesia, but more on the grapheme-color side of the deal than anything else and he sees certain letters/numbers/notes in different colors. people think he can see colors in music, but they misunderstood and thought he could recognize different hues while listening to music instead of reading it.

JC has grown since his uni years and doesn’t resent WWX anymore. he teaches astrophysics as a TA and doesn’t pressure his brother to pick his studies up anymore. WWX has mixed feelings about this: he feels he’s a lost cause, to the point not even his brother spurs him to best himself anymore, but he is grateful for the patience anyway.

LXC is the official LWJ translator of the campus along with their cousins SiZhui and JinGyi. he bonds with WWX and JC over how tired they are, seldom staring at flies roaming above them in the cafeteria bc none of them can even move. he lives on caffeine and regrets, but he’s getting better as he develops a love for his plant babies and tries to not let them die on a daily basis.

Wen Ning and Wen Qing are little overachievers and adrenaline junkies, hence their competitive streak on their way to their third master degree just for funsies. they scare people with how driven they are, but the juniors love them.

NMJ is the one to go to if you need to get away with murder, but JGY will actually be the one helping you dispose of the body. the fact that they both work in criminal law is somewhat both reassuring and disquieting. they hate each other and yet cannot stop hang out, they are close to 40 and need the rivalry to keep going anyway. nothing beats a good nemesis. not even sex. maybe.

NHS has failed his entrance exam to become a nurse too many times to count, but he is determined to see the end of it. even if he could potentially work in the family business, but he doesn’t know anything about managing an empire of bricks and he doesn’t care. if NMJ could run away, well, so can he.

MianMian is Wei Ying’s bestie and has the biggest crush on JGY’s sister A-Su the kindergarten teacher, but since they are childhood besties she doesn’t know how to approach her. she is Jin Ling’s idol and a certified boxer and refers to herself as a useless bisexual. Wei Ying boxes with her sometimes, she always win.

YanLi is an equestrian mum, but in the best way possible: she coaches children for shows and teaches them horses should be loved and feared equally and that if you want to shoot arrows from a running horse you should always, ALWAYS let go of the stirrups the moment the beast gets too unhinged to ride. JC fears her, WWX is only glad she didn’t train police dogs for a living.

ZiXuan actually loves his wife, but WWX and JC question his career choices and the fact that he’s a retired lawyer spending his family fortune while he’s a stay-at-home dad and does all the housework. WWX and JC believe he should give their sister a better life and work his ass off to deserve her, but he does make amazing rice cakes and keeps up with Jin Ling’s studies and is very supportive of his dreams.

A-Qing and Song Lan are siblings and sometimes bring JC food from the campus cafeteria where they both work at, while Xiao XingChen and his carer Xue Yang work with LXC for a project on accessibility for visually impaired visitors of the local museum. JC and LXC work to make Song Lan and Xiao XingChen fall for each other, but the youngsters are too protective to let them play matchmaker so easily.

[this is all for now. please, if you want, add your own headcanons!]

[mymanskabu]

Kabu One-Shot:

A Kiss in Ten Seconds

Anonie requested: ❝Idk if I can req anything for the holidays or if it's too late but, just in case. Can you do something for Kabu finding out his champion!s/o will be too busy on New Years Eve and New Years Day bc of all the events that are going on? Then how would he react, when people are literally doing the 10 second count down right before midnight and he sees his s/o burst into the room/wherever he is, panting, out of breath, looking for him just so they could be there to kiss him when the countdown's over?❞

× IM UPLOADING THIS AT 11:59PM Or at least that's the time it is for me as I post this! I know its 2020 already for many of you! I wish you guys a good New Years!

× sorry some of y'alls requests will have taken a year to get done. Please don't unfollow, I am a hard-working person with one brain cell.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

No one told you just how tedious and time consuming being a Champion would be. No wonder the former one appears much less stressed, the poor guy barely had time for his family on this schedule. You were constantly on the move and everyone wanted to talk to you. Leon came around to check on you after you had sent him a text saying, "Help, why are they coming for my life, I have a shit to do."

"Your schedule is very full," He said, looking at you apologetically. "There should be a warning before people try to become Champion, this is a workload that would surely scare off a lot of trainers."

"I don't even have time for my hobbies!" You flip the page to your schedule and half of next month was already full. "I'm lucky enough to manage a call to my mom and one of the only times I see Kabu is when I am going home in the middle of the night." You were surprised the man hasn't decided to leave you. You would completely understand if he couldn't handle being with someone so busy.

"I was undefeated for a very long time," Leon starts explaining. "Your schedule is much fuller than mine was because you beat someone that no one else could for many years. Even those older than me and with perhaps more experience couldn't defeat me."

"You're telling me your schedule wasn't this hectic?" You stared down at the calendar, realizing that talking to Leon was going to get cut short anytime soon.

"It was hectic definitely. Not like this." Leon gave you a comforting pat on your shoulder. "The workload will lessen later on, not sure by how much but you can only repeat a story for so long before people get bored. Then you have to worry about people trying to force a story to happen. At least you have off time when the Gym Challenge is not at large."

"I'm going to lose to the next challenger on purpose," You said. It got a chuckle out of Leon who raised a brow at you, questioning the honesty of your statement. "Or not." You sighed. "Too many benefits outweighing the negatives right now. Well, I'm happy you're able to have more time for other projects Leon!"

"Thank you... Champion."

You were getting many challengers nowadays. People who couldn't defeat Leon come back thinking they can defeat you, plenty of Challengers coming for your title, and new ones in the making. You had a lot of paperwork as well, surprisingly enough. A lot of interviews, so many damn interviews, and your privacy? Almost completely gone. You were grateful for having been with Kabu since before you even challenged the Gyms to attempt being Champion.

Unfortunately your relationship with him was outed rather quickly because of that though. Even if it was a secret, the ring on a specific finger would have also given you away. That was quite recent, it was his surprise for when you became Champion so now wedding planning is somewhere quite far in the schedule. Your management didn't consider it as important as you did, it's something you had to force into your schedule. They only care about managing your public image, personal problems don't rank high on their list of priorities when they're organizing your calendar.

Champions also have to be very involved with Galar and it's people. You had to understand the public opinion, the government opinion, and manage almost any incoming threat. That was terrifying, they sent you to anything just because you happen to be strongest around right now. You had to suck it up and protect the people, show them that their Champion can do probably anything.

You read over your schedule with Leon for a bit longer until you saw something in it that was irritating. "Leon. Why in the world do I have interviews for both New Years Eve and New Years. They can't take those days! I wanted to... I need to be..." You were fuming. You told them not to fill the holidays and they didn't for the past ones, but for some reason they filled those two dates.

"There isn't much you can do about that," He says. "You can try but I remember trying and they... if its urgent, its unlikely." Leon continued with saying that they probably gave you the prior holidays so that you didn't have room to completely complain about your management.

Your phone started ringing. You hesitated to pick up the phone knowing that it'll be someone to take you away for another interview, photoshoot, or fan meet. You didn't hate the people that wanted to meet you, your anger was mostly directed towards the people that were stuffing so much into your schedule. Leon was right though, they can't keep this up forever and hopefully later on it will get more tolerable.

"Are you alright?" His familiar voice caused your shoulders to ease up. You were crossing your arms on the table with your head laid on them. You had came home tired of socializing and still having to do some paperwork having to do with former Chairman Rose.

"Yes, I'm fine. I'm tired though, mentally tired to tell you the truth." You stretched your arms upwards then felt two arms wrap around your shoulders when you put them down. "Kabu, I can't be with you during New Years Eve or New Years. It says its urgent but I very much doubt these Talk Shows need me that badly."

You didn't hear anything from behind you for a long moment. He was most likely thinking, you were too, and depending on what he says, you might just consider the idea of letting him go. It hurt you to ponder upon such a thing, but there's other people out there that could give Kabu much more of their time.

"I understand," He finally said, "I'll open up the Stadium for those that need a warm place to be on those days and I will be thinking of you when the countdown starts."

"You don't have to be like that, you know? You don't have to understand, you can be mad at me, you can be frustrated at me, I won't... I won't blame you!" You got up from where you were sitting to face him. He held your hands and promptly shook his head in response.

"I'm not sure you knew this, love but you do not plan your schedule." He kisses your knuckles to comfort you. "If I am to be frustrated at anyone it will be whoever made you busy on those two days. Was there anything you could do about it?"

"I tried, but they just repeatedly tell me that it's an urgent thing I need to be at," You reply, a frustrated sigh escaping past your lips.

"You do what you have to, and think of me as I will think of you during the countdown." With a hand gently on the back of your neck he guides your mouth to his in a much needed relaxing kiss that made your body melt.

"Of course, you're right... you're right," You mumbled. Your eyes remained closed for a bit after the kiss before you were able to open them without feeling like they held sadness in them. "I love you, you know that?"

"I love you too."

Your stylist dressed you up nicely for the interviews, these events to celebrate a new Champion and a New Year. This is wrong, why does it feel like you were just rubbing it in everyone's face that you were now Champion? You were backstage waiting to be introduced, slouching in a nearby couch with your elbow on your thigh and your hand holding your chin. Finally you heard your name, you could see the crowd cheering on the screen, all anticipating your presence through the hall that all guests walk through.

Kabu opened the Stadium as he said he would, a lot more people came than he thought would. He had announced that it would be open to celebrate the New Year and there would be food and drinks. It wasn't going to be like that at first but you offered the funds and he couldn't say no. It was open for people and Pokemon alike and that brought his heart a pleasant feeling.

He missed you a lot though. He understood that you had things to do but he didn't realize just how attached he had grown to you for your lacking presence to impact him so much. His Stadium was playing the interview for everyone to see and the people that came; majority of them knew Kabu was engaged to the new Champion of Galar. He wondered if you were going to complete your end of the promise and think of him.

"Here's our new magnificent Champion, (Name)!" The cheers were loud, the "I love you's" came from all directions, and so did flowers. Roses, vibrant red roses that reminded you of Kabu. You sat down, a big smile on your face that only managed to be genuine knowing Kabu would see it. "How are you on this beautiful night, Champ?" The interviewer asked.

"I'm doing great, thank you! I actually have somethin' to say real quick, is that alright?" The interviewer furrowed his brows and pointed towards the camera you should speak to.

"Let's hear what (Name) needs to say folks! I wonder what it is! Sounds mysterious!"

"Perhaps it would be mysterious if paparazzi didn't exist," You responded. "I want to say I'm thinking about you, I'll see you soon!"

"Would my guess be wrong if I say that message was for your to-be husband and Fire Type Gym Leader Kabu!?" The interviewer raises your hand, the one that had the ring. "How is the wedding planning going anyway? Any progress?"

"Its somewhere in my schedule, we have ideas we hope to bring to life." The answer was simple and clearly not to the interviewers' taste. They had to remain unaffected though and continued smiling.

"We have a few fan questions we would like you to answer! First one being, would you date a fan?!"

"Absolutely not. I'm engaged, are you people not getting the memo?" You said this sarcastically, but with a tone of seriousness. It got you a laugh from the audience and you laughed along with them as truthfully as you could. "Not to be inappropriate or anything but I think— no. I know I'll be with Kabu for the rest of my life."

Kabu was almost as red as Gym outfit shirt, hearing the "Aww" from both the crowd in the Stadium and the ones where you were. In all honesty though, he would have said the exact same thing about you.

"A curious fan has asked: Do you sing in the shower?" You didn't think for long and answered it with a brief nod.

"I do sing in the shower, Kabu says it sounds good but I think he may just be losing hearing." Once again, the crowd laughed. "Who knows though, only he has ever heard me sing and no, I'm not singing!"

"You and Kabu live together as you've implied multiple times, has there been any mishaps in the kitchen by one of you?" You pondered on this question for a few seconds.

"Not yet, Kabu is a pretty good cook and surprisingly good baker!" You tried to think of an incident once again but nothing came to mind as of now.

"Have you used the 'Is your Dad a baker' pick up line on him yet?" You chuckled at the question and so did the crowd. You covered half your face as you nodded, confirming that you have used a pick up line on him. "I didn't expect that! How'd that go?"

"He still has no idea what I meant by the line and I suppose now is a good time to get it out in the open." It took you a moment or two to compose yourself. "When I said you had a nice set of buns, I was talking about your butt, Kabu!"

He was sitting in the middle of his Stadium, on the ground and when you said that, he fell back laughing much more than he usually would allow himself to in front of a crowd. He should have known that's what you meant then, all he wished to say in response was that he felt the same way. He knows you would have playfully hit him on the arm or something and thank him for the compliment.

A few more questions passed until it was getting close to the countdown. There was an ad break a few minutes before it started. You didn't want to be here, your heart was telling you to leave, take a flying taxi, find Kabu, find home, and be where you know you want to be. You slowly got up from the waiting area, ignoring the calling security, interviewer, and anyone else you just left.

Ten.

You ran, forgetting you had a flying taxi even though you thought about it moments ago. You only had one thing on your mind and that was reaching Kabu before the countdown was over. You ran, your legs wanting to stop but you wouldn't allow it, your lungs trying to take in all the cold air, and the fancy shoes on your feet making it even more difficult. You stopped and took them off, hastily picking them up then running again. No rock on the ground was stopping you from being where you wanted to be tonight.

Nine.

When the show came back on, you weren't there and he was confused. Apparently you had left abruptly, this caused him to worry and tried getting a hold of you through a text then called you.

Eight.

Kabu didn't know you ran off, leaving your items behind with only one goal in mind. His destination was within your line of sight and it made you push forward much faster, pushing your legs harder to make it before the time ran out.

Seven.

He wanted to be able to at least to see you through the screen as the countdown started. Where did you go? Why did you leave? Were you even okay? Now all he could think about was your well-being.

Six.

You were jogging past the hair salon, the many small stores on the sides, some which had people. People watching the Champion run to the elevator that would take you to Motostoke Stadium.

Five.

No one asked questions as you walked in, your legs almost wanting to give in. You continued, waving off others that wanted to help you walk towards the doors to the Stadium itself.

Four.

You stood in the tunnel for a couple of seconds, your eyes searching for Kabu. He who was watching the screen, hoping for your appearance or any news on your location.

Three.

The crowd spotted you first, the loud cheers startling Kabu as his eyes met yours when he turned his head in your direction. He never felt more relieved to see you there, why you had disappeared made much more sense to a lot people now that you were here.

Two.

With all the strength you could muster in your legs, you practically limped forward. Absolutely tired by the run and feeling like a whole idiot for not using a taxi when you could have at any point on your way here. He saw you panting, no shoes on your feet, you looked like quite the beautiful mess.

One.

No words are exchanged as you throw your arms around his neck, holding him in a tight embrace before your lips passionately meet his. He was slightly taken aback by the roughness of the kiss, you had his body right against yours, and a hand clutching the hair on the back his head. How long had it been since he has had something like this? He had forgotten how amazing this physical contact could feel and experiencing this made him feel as if it was a first kiss. Then the clock strikes twelve, your hold on him loosens, and its just you and him.

Your forehead was on his, you two were sharing breaths because of how long and sudden it was. Embarrassment hit you randomly when you realized there was a crowd, you left an interview, and Kabu was probably staring at you while you didn't dare open your eyes. Not until you could look at him and say something that didn't sound like you didn't know how to form sentences.

You could hear the crowd now, the whistling, the clapping, the stomping of their feet, any form of cheering the could make they did it.

"Another year of you and me," He said. "I am looking forward to another one." He gave you one chaste kiss for his own pleasure and you smiled.

"I look forward to another one too."

[the-potter-analyst]

Chapter 13 - The Very Secret Diary

Harry Potter and the Sacred Text word of the day: Cowardice

What’s with these themes having so many complicated connotations to them lol. At face value cowardice is just lacking courage to do something, but as I found while reading this chapter, it can be a tricky thing to label sometimes. Like do you count Ron’s hesitancy to pick up the diary in the bathroom cowardice? Or is he only being cautious because of stories he’s heard about bewitched books? Should Harry be counted as a coward when he’s confronted by the Valentine’s dwarf? Or is he simply acting like an adolescent boy who has no idea how to handle romance? Is Tom Riddle a coward for putting blame on Hagrid or is it simply a means to an end? Honestly I think it’s both sides. Like some of the previous themes in this book, acting cowardly isn’t necessarily a harmful or bad thing.

So to summarize: yes I think all these situations are cowardly by definition. Ron doesn’t want to take the diary because he’s afraid something bad might happen to either him or Harry by doing so. Thus Ron lacked the courage to face this possible danger, but it wasn’t an illogical fear. In fact, it’s quite logical, because they had no idea what the book was or why someone tried to flush it down the toilet. And Ron wasn’t wrong either, the diary is very dangerous. Also I want to take a moment to say that whole scene in the bathroom was peak humor and I would love to see it in comic form. It’s just, Ron: *freaking out about all the things a book can do* and Harry: dude. it’s a book 😂 A missed opportunity in the movies if they weren’t so focused on making Ron look like a doofus. 

Ron is also weirdly perceptive sometimes, often when he’s not trying to be. Like in B4, he writes random stuff about Harry for Divinations that end up happening. He was right about the diary being dangerous, just not in the way he expected. And he was right about Tom Riddle murdering Myrtle. And it was just a flippant comment. Speaking of that, I want to reproach Ron for saying killing Myrtle would’ve done “everyone a favor” because wishing death on someone is never ok. He probably didn’t understand the meaning behind his words, but I hear people say stuff like that so often that I wish they thought about how such negative words affects others and themselves, whether it’s about someone else or themselves.

We’ve been officially introduced to our first Horcrux! It’s interesting reading about Harry’s behavior around the diary knowing that 1) the diary is a Horcrux and 2) Harry is also a Horcrux. He notes how it seems he can’t throw the diary away and how it feels like Tom Riddle is some long lost friend, which can only be explained by those two things respectively. 

I also want to get into Tom Riddle himself and the memory he showed Harry. Tom Riddle/Voldemort is very much a coward at his core, he’d rather go the easy route and connect with others by fear than having any meaningful connections with others. He values himself above anything else to the point of a complex and that to me sounds like someone who’s trying to overcompensate for something. Tom grew up at a muggle orphanage, and besides having magical powers he could control really well, he was completely powerless about his situation. Which is probably why Tom antagonized the people at the orphanage, to feel like he had power. And that extends to his life at Hogwarts, including opening the Chamber of Secrets. The only reason he closes the Chamber up is because it jeopardized Hogwarts as an institution, a place he considered as his home. I wonder how he found the Chamber entrance though 🤔 It’s interesting that both Harry and Dippet assume Tom to be muggle-born, so I wonder if he constantly had to explain that he’s actually half-blood. And I’m sure that would’ve irked him a lot. Tom must have so much self hate for having muggle blood in him.

As much as Harry and Tom had similar beginnings, they have such opposite personalities. They were both orphaned as infants and taken into hostile homes, were isolated and alone for much of their lives, and for Tom, he became resentful, pessimistic, and formed a superiority complex. Yet Harry remained hopeful, caring, and formed a high sense of morality. One internalizes blood purity while the other befriends muggle-borns. One is incapable of love (and rejects it) while the other has so much love in him.

I feel so bad for Hagrid, an innocent bystander, who unknowingly took the fall for Tom Riddle. I also can’t believe Harry truly thought for a bit that Hagrid opened the Chamber. And I wonder why Dumbledore didn’t intervene when he saw all these disturbing signs around Tom that he may fall into the dark arts. He couldn’t have accused Tom of opening the Chamber bc there would’ve been no proof, but Dumbledore was the one to visit Tom at the orphanage when he was eleven and watched him grow up. Dumbledore was “friends” with Grindlewald, so he must’ve recognized those signs in Tom, but he chose to do nothing until it was too late. Was Dumbledore in denial and overlooking those details in hopes they weren’t true? Did he just not know what to do? I guess those are things for me to look for as I get into the later books.

Backing up a bit, Harry Brave In Face Of Danger Potter, is freaked out at the prospect of receiving a Valentine lol. I mean, he’s like a typical middle school kid but he also has Zero experience with this type of stuff. And he also values his privacy as someone who’s famous. So Harry’s first reaction is getting out of the uncomfortable situation since he has no idea what to do, and the second when he can’t do that is asking to receive the Valentine somewhere private. And also poor Ginny, who can’t properly talk to Harry without tripping over her own feet, resorts to sending him an anonymous Valentine only for it to go completely wrong.

I also want to talk about Ginny. I think in previous posts I’ve been treating Ginny like she’s always been completely aware of her actions, but it’s probably more like weird and hazy dreams she has that end up aligning with the attacks on students. Which idk which is worse, being aware and not having control over your body in those moments, or waking up and later realizing the things you’ve done. And 3 months (and 3 attacks) later, Ginny finally pieces together that all of it happened bc of the diary and tried to throw it away. Which is also an act of cowardice, because instead of going to Dumbledore or McGonagall about it, she attempted to rid herself of the blame and the problem. I’m not trying to fault her since she just a confused and scared child and for all Ginny knows, she’ll be expelled if she reveals that she opened the Chamber. I mean, she was so scared at the prospect of Harry figuring this out that she stole the diary back. But also thank god Ginny chose Myrtle’s toilet and the diary was washed up, or else the diary would be at the bottom of the lake and impossible to find again when Harry’s on his Horcrux mission.

Small things:

Bless Madam Promfrey (again) for saving Hermione from the embarrassment of being seen looking like a furry

Also bless Harry and Ron for visiting Hermione in the hospital wing every day

I can’t believe Harry’s first use of Expelliarmus is to get back the diary. And he used it successfully on the first try, with only seeing it used once owo

I feel like “lucky I recorded my memories in some more lasting way than ink” is an understatement

Previous: Chapter 12 - The Polyjuice Potion

Next: Chapter 14 - Cornelius Fudge

[happytreasure]

Can you do a hc where Eddie drops and Richie is there to take care of him?

Sure! actually a lot of people have been interested in this so i’ll give some in depth hcs!! i also might include it in a future installment. 

hng also sorry it took so long! although it lowkey turned into an essay lmao

eddie fully drops for the first time after the second heat he tries to get pregnant and fails 

he feels like a horrible omega and partner

esp bc he’s the reason they can’t get pregnant bc being on suppressants fucked him up

after his heat finishes he just kind of instinctively knows he’s not pregnant

like before he always knew bc he was on birth control

but something tells him he’s failed

and when a the test confirms it he just kinda breaks down

it fully hits him one day when he sees richie playing with bev and ben’s kid

bc richie is just so good w kids

and eddie knows he really wants to be a dad

and eddie does too, so it really upsets him that he can’t get pregnant

and he starts thinking like really negatively

“i’m an omega all we’re fucking good for is being bred but i can’t even do that right”

“why would he want to stay with someone who’s broken”

“i wonder if he regrets mating me my first heat when he thought i could have pups”

and like one day he fucking snaps after watching richie carry bevs pup on his shoulders, doing one of his voices as the kid screams with laughte

 he says he doesn’t feel good and goes to bed early

and he just sits in the corner of the room and his mind/instincts just start eating away at him

he starts getting so deep in his thoughts he doesn’t even know he’s dropping

it’s just on loop “you’re a horrible omega”

“your alpha is disappointed in you”

“he’s gonna leave you”

and he just kinda drifts into this lightheaded state

meanwhile richie has brought the kid to the store pick up some ice cream

(richie is easily manipulated by kids)

and his mate mark stars to hurt

and like he rushes home and hands the kid of to stan and demands to know where eddie is

and mike’s just like “he said he was tired and went to bed”

richie sprints to the bedroom

and eddie’s just sitting in the corner tears streaming down his face, knees pulled to his chest

and the minute richie smells how distressed he is his heart breaks

and eddie is just consumed by the drop so he starts sobbing when he realizes riches near him

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m a horrible omega, i’m sorry”

and richie just wants to fucking hug him and and tell him he’s amazing but eddie keeps flinching when he approaches him

“I’m sorry, alpha, im sorry i’m not good, i’m sorry i can’t get pregnant,”

immediately richie’s trying to stop this nonsense “i don’t care about that”

“you want kids, but i can’t even give you that, what kind of omega can’t be bred?”

and richie is so upset hearing his mate talk like this, and at this point talking him down is doing nothing

“i’m useless alpha, you should find another mate because im damaged”

and richie actually growls at that

which he regrets bc eddie whimpers

and richie’s immediately apologizing and promising he’s not mad but eddie’s just staring straight ahead and crying

and richie’s freaking out bc eddie’s fully dropped by this point and it’s extremely dangerous for an omega to be in drop

and he’s fucking panicking bc he doesn’t want to agitate eddie more but he also can’t leave him like this

eddie’s starting to hyperventilate and richie’s like “fuck fuck fuck”

 suddenly he hears stan’s voice behind him

“richie use your alpha voice, he’s not gonna listen otherwise”

and it’s only then richie realizes the entire pack is standing in the doorway looking on in worry

and richie’s like “no! that’s a horrible thing to do!”

but all the pack is agreeing

richie doesn’t want to come to terms w the fact that eddie’s dropped so far he won’t respond to anything unless richie makes do so biologically

and richie finally gives in and says “omega”

and he’s never used his alpha voice before so it’s a bit shaky

it doesn’t sound different form his regular voice but it holds so much more power

and richie hates it, he firmly believes its some archaic biological left over like the appendix

eddie immediately responds to the voice and richie feels like throwing up bc his movements are so robotic and forced

and just says “yes alpha?” and he’s so expressionless

and richie’s voice is so watery but he’s trying to sound strong

“i need you to calm down right down, i need you to take a deep breath”

and eddie instantly takes a deep breath but it’s rushed

and richie starts making him copy his breathing until he stops hyperventilating

but eddie still staring straight ahead

and richie’s like “i’m not made at you eddie”

and there’s a flicker of pain on eddie’s face “i’m a bad omega, i’m a bad omega and my alpha should leave me”

and richie is trying so hard to stay calm

“your alphas not gonna leave you”

“you’re a good omega”

“and i’m not mad at you”

and eddie’s just sitting there digging his fingernails into his forearm bc his alpha is telling him one thing but his instincts disagree

“you’re scaring me, eds”

“i’m sorry!”

“hey hey it’s okay, can i touch you?”

and eddie furrows his brows bc richie asked for permission in his alpha voice and his instincts don’t know how to make sense of that

“you’re my alpha, you can do whatever you want”

and richie’s breath hitches bc the response seems so forced

he immediately talks to him normally,

“eddie can i touch you?”

and there’s a small nod

and richie slowly crawls up next to him and rests his back against the wall

but eddie makes no move to get closer

he tenses when he’s dragged into richie’s lap but let’s it happen

he immediately buries his face in richie’s neck and richie tries desperately to make sure he smells calming and not distressed

eddie’s just sitting in his lap, tense with his arms resting on richie’s chest, fingers clenching and unclenching like  he wants to hold on

and richie’s just like “you can touch me, baby”

and eddie melts into him

and richie just holds him close and pets his hair

“you’re amazing, eddie, i couldn’t ask for a better mate”

“you mean the world to me”

“i wouldn’t dream of leaving you”

“i’ll still love you even if we can’t have kids”

“i love you so much, baby”

and eddie just stays silent, coming down from his drop

and eventually he just whispers “chee?”

and richie starts tearing up

“fuck eddie i was so fucking scared, baby, please, please don’t ever do that again”

and eddie’s like “i’m so sorry, i’m sorry”

“no you’ve done enough apologizing today”

“please just tell me the next time you feel upset or anything, i’m sorry i didn’t notice you were hurting and using my alpha voice”

and eddie promises to communicate better

and although it’s a traumatic experience they learn and grow from it

hope that’s what you wanted!!

[artificialqueens]

Crazy, stupid, sudden (Craquaria) Part 2 - Catrina

A/N: This was gonna be only a one shot bc I didn’t know if you would like it, but you asked, and I delivered. I had so much fun writing this, I hope you like it as much as I did. Some things: 1. Thanks @likeuranus for giving me ideas and opinions, ily! 2. I used Miz as Cracker’s name in the first part bc I was confused about it (for the anon who said it was like calling Miss Fame ‘Miss’) 3. I didn’t expect you would like it so much! PLEASE REMEMBER TO send some feedback if you liked this part and make me know if you want a third part? 4. Would you be insterested if I do a kind of “side chapter” where I explain Sharon and Alaska’s story better? Make me know at @the-glitter-skeleton and feel free to talk to me lmao I need friends <3 That’s it, enjoy.

Miz is going crazy. She just can’t understand —even when Monet tells her there’s nothing to understand— and her stubborn mind isn’t helping at all.

“So, in summary, you have a crush” her friend says, turning to her locker.

“I do” Miz sighs tiredly, leaning her back on the locker next to Monet’s. “And I don’t know how to get close to her”

“You drool over her since last year, didn’t you have enough time to plan shit like that?” she mocks, changing books into her bag.

Miz opens her mouth indignantly, ready to argue. “I don't—”

Monet closes the door of her locker suddenly, looking at her friend with a raised brow. “Christmas party, five months ago; you, Blair and I were outside the theater when certain girl with aquatic name walked by. ’She’s the prettiest thing I’ve seen around here’ quote by you”

Miz knows she’s defeated when her cheeks burn with embarrassment. “Smart bitch” she whispers as she rolls her eyes. “Are you helping me or what?”

“Brianna, I wasted my time investigating the bus route on Monday for you. After that anything is easy” Monet giggles when they start walking to their first class. “At least you took the chance when you saw her in the bus; she knows you now. And driving her to school was a good start, you got to see her everyday. That’s something”

“But out of my car we don’t talk at all! The longest conversation we had was about weather. Every time we get here she just thanks the ride and goes away” Miz pouts. “And don’t call me Brianna, only my mom calls me that”

“Whatever, Miz” she remarks ironically. “What I’m going to is that you can go closer easily now”

“But how?”

Monet stays silent until they sit at the back of the classroom. The teacher doesn’t arrive yet, and everyone is too busy chatting to care about it. She looks at Miz with a concerned look that makes her friend know she’s focused. She smiles when an idea comes to her mind, tapping on Miz’s arm to get her attention.

“You have to ask her out!”

-

Fridays are boring. But when Aquaria thinks of it, she realizes everyday is boring. The only interesting part of her days seems to be the way to school and home, when the sees Miz.

But then, everything goes down.

She doesn’t know what’s happening. It’s out of control her every time she combs her hair a little better hoping Miz notices it, or every time she sneaks to Sharon’s room to steal her perfume because it smells better than hers.

It becomes stronger when she looks at her and she can’t help but smiling like a maniac. She knows the feeling, she isn’t dumb; she knows perfectly it’s something she can’t bury. The word love burns into her brain like acid.

Aquaria doesn’t like that word. It’s tough and merciless. She saw the perfect prove with her own moms; destroyed after giving everything they had. Even when Sharon mentions how happy she is now and Alaska assures she’s better alone, she knows Sharon still conserves pictures of her wedding in a box under her bed and Alaska prefers going on business trips so she doesn’t have to be in her huge house that used to be filled with Sharon’s voice.

She doesn’t want that. Miz is nice, funny, special. She’s everything Aquaria has ever wanted and she’s too scared to go for.

It’s useless. She closes her eyes and tries to throw every single idea that has been around her mind this morning away. Her eyes are on the table, quietly chewing on the bread with dry cheese and too much ham of her daily sandwich when a noise makes her lift her head suddenly. It just takes Miz a second to sit by her, looking directly at her soul with those gorgeous big eyes of hers.

“Hey” she smiles. “Mind if I stay here?”

Aquaria almost chokes on the bread as she swallows as fast as she can to answer. “It’s fine” she manages to say, receiving a smile from Miz.

For a moment, they don’t do anything more than eat silently.

“What are you doing tonight?” Miz asks suddenly, her eyes on her food over her plate as she carelessly stings it with a fork.

The question surprises Aquaria. She thinks for a second; she hasn’t anything planned, maybe watching a movie and make dinner for Sharon when she arrives from work, but nothing else. What could she do, anyways? With no friends at all, her nights are just as boring as mornings, but she doesn’t wanna Miz to know that.

“I don’t know” she replies, keeping herself from asking why. “No plans yet, I guess”

“Wanna go out with me?” she asks simply. So fucking simply Aquaria can’t understand why it makes her heartbeats increase.

She can’t think of an answer. She knows she should say no, but Miz is looking at her and the idea seems so irresistible she just can curl the corners of her lips into a little smile and nod. “Yeah”

It’s just going out, she comforts herself, ignoring the huge warning signal in her mind. That isn’t gonna hurt anybody.

“We have a date then!” Miz’s eyes shine.

-

Aquaria is finally at home, nervously walking in a circle on the living room. After taking her home, Miz said she would pick her up at seven before she started the car again and drove until it disappeared of Aquaria’s sight.

She takes her phone and goes to do the first thing she knows she should have done before, dialing the number of Sharon’s office as she throws herself to the couch.

“Good afternoon, you’re calling to the office of doctor Sharon Needles. What can I do for you?” a voice sounds at the other line of the phone.

“Hey Max” she replies with a smile. Her mom’s secretary is nice and always sends Aquaria cookies in Christmas, which of course was an easy way to gain her boss’ daughter’s heart. “Is my mom there?”

“Aqua! It’s good to hear you” Aquaria can swear she’s smiling even when she can’t see her. “And sorry darling, your mom is going to a meeting right now. Something you want me to tell her?”

“Yeah. Just tell her I’m going out with… a friend at seven. I’ll be back early and I’m taking my phone if she wants to call me”

There’s a puse before Max talks again. “Alright sweetheart. As soon as I see her I’ll tell her”

“Okay, thanks Max” Aquaria giggles before hanging up.

-

Hours after, Aquaria is still on the couch, watching a boring cooking show she found changing channels with no order. It’s the best way she has to entretain herself a little, even when the meat the old lady is cooking looks gross. It’s way too much salt, Aquaria thinks as she sighs.

Suddenly, the main door opens, revealing Sharon’s figure in the frame. Aquaria jumps in her spot, looking at her in surprise.

“Mom? Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” she asks, sitting sitraght.

“I am, but when Max told me you called I had to run here. My baby has a date!” Sharon snaps cheerfully, closing the door and dropping her purse in the other couch to sit next to her daughter. Her smile is the brightest Aquaria has seen in years, and she can’t help but smiling too.

“You left work… for me?” is all she can ask, incredulous.

“Honey, I’d leave that hellhole for you anytime” Sharon assures.

Aquaria knows it’s true when she remembers Sharon dropping the chance to head a stomach surgery in the middle of the morning because she went to Aquaria’s ballet festival to see her perform. Work is her worst addiction, but her love for Aquaria is way stronger.

“Now, are you gonna tell me who is this nice person who asked you out?” the woman talks again, kicking her heels out so she can fold her legs under her on the couch.

Pathetically or gracefully —depends of Aquaria’s mood— Sharon is her best friend. The few hours she gets to see her are to talk about anything, from homework to annoying coworkers, but she didn’t tell her about Miz because the fear was bigger than the confusion and Aquaria couldn’t organize her mind.

But curling her body against Sharon’s, she sighs and decides to shut her mind down for a second. Just for a second.

“Her name is Miz Cracker, I met her days ago. She’s super nice and gentle—”

“Miz is such a weird name” Sharon comments.

“I know, her real name is Brianna, but she doesn’t like it”

“Oh, that’s cool. And you like her?”

The direct question is like a thrown arrow, going right to Aquaria’s chest. Closing her eyes, she purses her lips, looking for an answer. Love, being a group of negative things in her life, is also an untouched topic with Sharon. That makes it even worse.

“I’m scared, mom” she confesses in a small voice.

“Why, darling?”

“What if it doesn’t work?”

“C'mon, you can’t know that if you don’t try. And you’re too young to worry about that. If it doesn’t work, you can try it with someone else! Maybe someone without the name of a cookie as last name” she jokes, petting her hair. “Let those stupid fears outside your head and just enjoy what you can enjoy”

Her words seem to make something in Aquaria’s chest to grow; sudden courage. She doesn’t wanna lose Miz, but if she starts something knowing it can end, at least she’s gonna make it worthwhile. Nodding, she hugs Sharon as tight as she can. “You’re right, so fucking right”

“Nothing new, your mom is really smart” Sharon brags with a smirk, looking down at her watch for a second. “It’s six o'clock, let’s do what I came to! What are you gonna wear?”

Aquaria laughs, being dragged by Sharon upstairs to her room. For some minutes, she sees her mom searching into her closet from her bed, until Sharon turns around with a black dress she hasn’t seen in a while. Her mom looks at it with nostalgia, and Aquaria remembers; is the dress Alaska gave her for her birthday the year before.

Once she puts it on, Sharon takes manage of her hair. She combs it until it’s done and then proceeds with the make up that Aquaria finds unnecessary, but she lets her mom take her as a doll to dress and paint. When she finishes, she can’t stop praising her, petting her head with shining eyes and the biggest smile.

Miz’s car stops outside the house just ten minutes later. Sharon is nervous, maybe more than her own daughter when she hugs her and watches her from the door frame. Miz’s head pocks out of the window, yelling hello and waving at Sharon, who can only do the same.

-

“You look really pretty” Miz praises when Aquaria pulls into the car. She’s all dressed up, wearing a shiny light purple dress that makes her look adorable with her wavy blonde hair perfectly done.

“Thanks” she replies, a smile hiding behind her lips once the door is closed and the car starts. “You look pretty too”

Miz drives through the now dark streets, until they reach a little restaurant Aquaria has seen before. It’s warm and comfortable, and Aquaria feels even better when Miz reaches her side as soon as they’re walking to the door.

When they sit, dangerously close with their knees touching, it feels good. The thrill of disappointment and fear isn’t as big as Aquaria imagined it before, and when Miz smiles at her and asks what are you gonna have? in the sweetest voice, it seems to disappear.

She’s glad Miz can fill the holes in the conversation every time Aquaria just stays silent because the words don’t come out. She talks about her life, her childhood, stupid things that catch her attention —how could Aquaria know Miz actually loved to cook?— and more important, she gets her to do the same. She opens up; grabbing some vegetables with her fork as she tells Miz things she didn’t even remember before.

“I like your voice. It’s good to hear it more than just saying yes, no and I don’t know” Miz mocks, gaining a death gaze from her. “I’m serious, though. It’s really pretty. I could listen to it forever”

“I already listen to your voice always, so I can’t say the same” a high pitched gasp comes out of Miz mouth as Aquaria chuckles, looking down at her plate.

“And she can joke! You’re full of surprises. What else could you be keeping from me?”

“Well, you still don’t know I’m actually a secret agent from the FBI” Aquaria grimaces. “Now that I told you, I have to kill you”

“Okay, you joke about the FBI, that makes you even more perfect now” Miz states in a serious tone that makes Aquaria laugh. “Let’s just marry already”

“I wouldn’t mind that” Aquaria replies, not very attentive of her words. When she realizes what she has said, she bits her lip as her cheeks blush. “I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay, I was thinking the same” Miz puts her elbow over the table, resting her chin on her hand as she watches the girl in front of her. “You’re beautiful when you blush”

“Only when I blush?” Aquaria teases with a raised brow, the tension tangled in her nerves thankfully decreasing.

“Oh, well—” blinking, Miz seems taken aback. “You’re always beautiful, but, you know, when—”

She stops when Aquaria smiles, letting her know she was joking.

This feels just right.

-

When they head back to Aquaria’s home, the smiles are still there, and the comfortable heat that seems to go between them too. The car stops just where it did hours before, full of a very deserving silence after everything they spoke. Aquaria looks at Miz one more time before she open the door and for her surprise, Miz is already looking at her.

“This was a good night” the blonde comments. Her eyes shine under the street light, making Aquaria to fall in a small trance as she can only stare at them.

“It was” with her voice becoming little, she answers.

And again the silence. Aquaria turns a bit to open the door and Miz knows she should say something else before she goes. She can almost feel Monet’s gaze over her when she touches her arm, asking silently for attention.

“Aqua, I want to tell you something” in her head it sounded better, definitely. Aquaria is looking at her attentively and she just sighs, the nerves running through all her body. “I— wait, no. I just wanna say— I… like you, Aquaria. More than friends”

The words come out, floating in the air for a second before Aquaria can process them. And the silence hits the car once again, but this time it doesn’t feel right. And at the lack of response Miz sighs again, but this time embracing a mix of disappointment and dispair.

“I’m sorry. Please, let’s just be friends. Forget that. It was stupid— you know what? I’m drunk! Yes, so fucking drunk, I don’t know what I’m doing! I shouldn’t be driving”

With no words at all, Aquaria’s hand reaches Miz’s.

“No, Aquaria, don’t do that” with her head shaking negatively, she pulls her hand away as she looks down. “Don’t try to comfort me, I should’ve known”

“What should have you known? That I like you back?”

Miz can’t belive it. It doesn’t even sound true when Aquaria smiles warmly.

“You do?” lifting her head she asks, her insecurity becoming adorable for Aquaria, who can only nod to confirm her answer.

“I definitely do”

A smile grows on Miz’s lips. Is the only reponse her body produces, everything else is completely blank. Even when she tried to be positive about the topic, thinking Aquaria would have a mutual feeling, hearing it is completely different.

Her eyes can’t help but stare directly at her lips, those that look soft and sweet, those she wanted to kiss since a long time ago. She doesn’t even realize when Aquaria’s eyes are back on her, and her body moves closer, against hers, not having to deal with the seat belt. Her hand goes to Aquaria’s, holding it tight. Miz feels her chin being lift by her free hand.

When she looks up, Aquaria’s face is just inches away from hers. She can feel Miz’s heavy breathing coming out of her lightly open mouth.

It's sudden when their lips smash into each other, both of them closing their eyes with excitement running through their veins.

It's crazy when their heartbeats increase to a point they seem to be breathless, looking for air in the other’s mouth.

It's stupid when they break the kiss and their lips feel unsatisfaced, wanting —no, needing— more contact.

All they can do is look at each other, too shaken to talk. Their hands are still holding each other, Aquaria’s hand is still on Miz’s chin and the blonde’s hand has somehow found its way to her waist. Everything feels right. No, not right, it feels even better. It feels crazy, stupid, sudden; just like everything between them. And that’s absolutely perfect.

“Would be dumb if I say this is the best first kiss I ever had even when I never had one before?” Miz asks, eyes full of daydream. “I sounded so ridiculous and cheesy but it’s true. This is even better than I thought”

Talking in the calmest tone Miz has ever listened in Aquaria, she looks down with a little smile. “It was my first one too”

“Was it?” Miz’s brows raise with surprise when she nods. Pride grows in her chest; she was her crush’s first kiss. That’s more than something, Monet would say. “May I be your second one too?”

“You can be as much of them as you want” Aquaria eagerly replies, pulling her on a messy kiss as the car fills of heavy breathes and wonderful heat.

It feels perfect.

[croissantbae]

March 28, 2021

I’m too tired to write in here these days. But since I’m up right now anyway I will jot down a few quick notes.

1. I got my first vaccine shot! My arm hurt sooooo much the next day. People said it’ll feel sore but this was surprisingly painful. Like I couldn’t lift things up and it was so hard feeding Dani and carrying her with that arm. People said you can feel sick from the second shot and before I was flippant about it but after seeing how painful the arm thing was now I’m a little scared.

I got surprisingly a little emotional while getting my shot. It really felt kind of momentous. We’ve all been waiting dor this moment for so long - to be able to feel safe again, to be free to go out again, to move on from this horrible chapter. While sleeping I wondered if anyone would try to commit bioterrorism after seeing how effective covid was at dismantling economies and countries but I’m going to assume that only China has the scientific capabilities to do that and that they won’t pull that move because it could negatively hit them too.

2. Baby sounds are everything. The cooing. The crying/determined sound they make when searching for the nipple.

3. Dani has had a few ails and I feels so bad dor her. She has acne allllll over her fade. Some days it seems like it’s going away but it’s generally just taken over her face. I really hope it goes away soon. I know it’s not painful dor her but it just makes her look like a mess. The corner of her left eye is also red. It kind of looks like a vein popped. At first I thought it might be pink eye from a clogged duct but I’m not so sure anymore. I wondered if she popped a vein from crying so hard. Then that made me feel really bad. I mean she really hasn’t cried that much but sometimes at night I’m too tired to get up until she’s crying so I wait until she really signals she needs me lol. This girl is not getting the royal naya treatment where we fretted over her every move. Dani also seems to have sinus issues. I think bc of how dry it is. We bought a humidifier. Tonight is the first night we use it. Hopefully this helps.

4. These nights w a newborn are so crazy. When you throw in a non-sleep trained toddler who occasionally won’t go to sleep w dad but only w mom, it’s torture method crazy. I’m too tired to go into the details of how our nights go but it’s bad. And for a large part of it there’s just nothing we can do about it. This is simply the season we must go through now to pass on to better times. We bought naya a new bed. Should be coming in a month or two. Will try to get her to sleep in there. Once she does well being the crib into our room. And start sleep training Dani most likely (around 4/5 months). Then I hope we will finally have some semblance of control over the nights back in our lives.

5. We went over to Ji’s huge new house today ans jake was kind of sharing his rags to riches story and it really makes you root for them. Jake is such a good guy. Like you can just feel it. I’m so happy for them and the kids that they can enjoy living in a huge new house in a great neighborhood.

[sicklylittlesnowflake]

Can you do a fix where Lance gets captured by the galra and they give him a prosthetic leg? (Side note maybe it makes him more sad than before because one of his favorite memories was playing soccer with his siblings and he'll never get to do that again?) p.s. I adore your blog!

(Hey guys, so this is a pretty heavy topic here, and if anything to do with prosthetic body parts and the shock of losing a limb and the negative thoughts that come with it and being held hostage is hard for you to read, this fic is not for you. Please take care of yourselves first, okay? And also, I’m an able bodied person writing this, and I’ve researched as much as I possibly could, and I’m hoping this is okay, but if it’s not, I’m open to educating myself and I’m willing to acknowledge any mistakes! Please do feel free to educate me should there be something wrong with what I’ve written! Also WW reference bc I’m trash)

Keith screams his heart out, his whole body seeming to participate in the actions his entire soul on fire as he screams. His throat burning at the excruciating pain. He grits his teeth tightly and grasps at the controls of his Lion as he tries and holds himself steady, because if he lets go he fears he will be lost forever.

Keith is so sure in his heart he is not going to give in, he must stay strong, this is the only way. He can not let anyone down, and he is most certainly not going to let Zarkon win. The whole weight of the universe is laying on their shoulders, and every innocent life is hanging in the balance and Keith is in the middle of it, trying to hold the entire universe steady and if he lets go, everything will fall apart. And it will not be pieced back together. He is determined, he will not let go.

But the power beam that is being struck at him feels stronger than he’s ever felt, coming at him with the power of a thousand armies and Keith doesn’t think he can do it. He is holding on with the best of his ability, all of his strength, pushing himself beyond he’s ever thought he’d be capable of. Because this is much bigger than anything he could ever possibly fathom. But he’s not Atlas. He is one boy, with two hands and one heart, he cannot do this alone.

And he doesn’t have to.

Because Lance is charging at him and he’s taking the hit. He can faintly hear his screaming as he’s hit, the faint cracklings of anguish in his voice and Keith’s heart is racing and his blood runs cold and he’s so frozen. He doesn’t know what’s happening.

“Go, Keith! There is no other way! Go! Go!” Lance hisses through his gritted teeth.

“No, Lance! I’m not going anywhere!” Keith yells, his voice wavering as tears cloud his vision.

“Keith! You need to go, there is no point in both of us getting hurt. Go, Keith! I’ll be okay, but you have to get out of here, now! Before it’s too late!” Lance insists. He sounds so brave, so sure, so unafraid.

“Lance, I can’t leave you!” Keith cries. It’s like his heart is on fire and burning every particle of his body to this fine crisp. It hurts so so much.

Lance’s face pops up on his screen, and he still looks so hopeful and alive. The sun in his eyes still shine bright, but it’s more of a setting sun, still so beautiful, but a little more melancholy, a little more calm. He’s smiling at him with a look of absolute adoration and love, his eyes are twinkling. It’s too bittersweet.

“Keith, I can save today, but you can save the universe. I..I love you,” Lance says, and it’s like the cosmos within Keith have exploded and the planets have aligned.

But their moment is cut short as Lance struggles against the Galra, and pulls Keith away from the danger.

“No!” Keith yells as his Lion is thrust away from the battle, and he tries to lunge forward but Red will not let him. She’s adamant and refuses, and she forces him away from Lance. So far away.

Keith yells and screams and kicks and cries but it’s no use, all he can see through his vision clouded by his tears is a ship opening and capturing Lance. He’s disappeared from him, and Keith realises the ringing in his ears is the earth shattering scream that rips out of his throat, out of his heart.

He doesn’t know what’s happening until Shiro is running into his lion and wrapping his arms around his sobbing body as he cries and cries, screaming in hysterics.

“Keith, buddy,” Shiro tries, but he can’t help the tears that pour from his eyes.

“We have to get him back! We need to find him! We’re not leaving him, we have to get him back, Shiro, we need to..Please,” Keith sobs, his voice cracking and sounding so small. He sobs hard, crying and spluttering. It hurts so much. Keith couldn’t even tell Lance he loved him too, and the realisation rips through him and worlds split.

“I know, I know,” Shiro whispers softly, “I promise you, we will.”

Lance doesn’t really know what’s happened next, but he’s fading in and out of his reality and he’s not quite sure what’s real and what’s not.

He can hear a language he doesn’t quite understand, and it takes him back to years ago when he didn’t know English. So lost and confused.

He tries to feels around his surroundings and he tries to stand up only to find he’s been strapped down. He can’t move, and he should be panicking, but he can’t feel anything. He looks around wildly, beginning to feel the emotions in his body return horribly and the panicking begins to settle in , and he can’t breathe. Lance doesn’t know what to do, and all he wants is this tortuous limbo to end.

He struggles against the bed, and freezes when one of the Galra look over at him and glares. Suddenly he’s stomping towards him a syringe in hand. Lance tries to scream, but the needle is being inserted into his skin and the world slows down drastically.

Lance begins to see double, and the world is fading in and out of focus and Lance isn’t quite sure what’s real and what’s not. He’s not even sure if anything right now is real. He loses control of his senses, as the world starts to fade in and out again and suddenly everything fades into an eerie black.

Lance doesn’t really know how much time has passed since he’s last been awake. It feels awfully long ago, but it could be a matter of seconds, it could’ve been hours, maybe months. He doesn’t know, he’s completely lost control. He struggles to comprehend his reality, and when he drowsily looks around he is faced with the question of wether any of this is real.

Was this some trippy limbo he must endeavour through for the foreseeable future, or was this some crazy afterlife that they had completely gotten wrong? Or was this real, his haunting reality of pairs upon pairs of glowing yellow eyes staring daggers into him.

They stare right into him and this icy cold feeling of fear spreads across his body and freezes every inch of him so he’s frozen, turned to ice. Then slowly one of them is stalking towards him, with that sinister blank stare and every step they take seems to be the clashing of tectonic plates.

Just as Lance tenses up and every inch of his body is now frozen in place, balling his fists and teeth clenched in extreme fear, a light shines and melts him from his frozen state. The world seems a little warmer, and it’s like he can feel the ice melting off his fingertips and he feels safe again.

Keith bursts through the door and everything goes slow, he can see every detail of his face. He watches as his hair blows in the wind and how his body arched and moved as he leaps, how perfectly in place his sword is. Keith lunges, and he screams with a roar so passionate. He’s come to get him.

Everything’s okay and he is seeing the world with rose tinted glasses.

Keith swings with so much grace and strength it is almost a masterpiece of a sight. Lance can see the passion pouring off of his heart as he lunges and dodges, fighting like everything hung on a balance. The moment Keith appears to start struggling against the group of Galra, Hunk is suddenly bursting through the door and he leaps, and pounces onto the group and attacks. Hunk is the strongest he’s ever seen him before, and all for Lance. All for him.

Lance can feel his heart start to swell and everything feels okay. His friends are here. They’ve come back for him. Perhaps the universe needs him too.

Suddenly Shiro is running through the door and detaching Lance’s limbs from the harnesses forcefully keep him trapped there. He struggles against the metal braces, he is calm at first, as he usually is, but as he continues to struggle his emotions take over him and he hisses, yanking off the them with brute strength, overcome with passion.

When the ties come loose and Lance is free, he feels the most euphoric wave of freedom, of relief. His eyes well up with tears and he feels amazing. It’s a feeling he cannot begin to describe, to feel the sun on your face again when you have been shoved away in the darkness for so long.

“You’re okay, you’re okay Lance, we’re here now,” Shiro whispers gently, lightly stroking through the damp locks plastered onto Lance’s forehead. He picks him up from the bed and holds him close, so steady, so firm, and Lance feels so earthed into this reality and he knows this is most definitely real. He’s not going to slip away. Lance is safe.

Once Hunk and Keith finish off the herd of Galra, Shiro begins to jog towards the exit, and suddenly when his hand brushes against something he freezes does dead in his tracks. There is something haunting that hangs in the air and Lance’s stomach drops and he’s so scared.

Shiro shakes slightly, and it’s one of the strangest oddities Lance has ever experienced. To feel someone so firm and rooted shake to the core. It makes Lance feel so uneasy and unsettled.

Suddenly the entire atmosphere of the room changes and Keith looks horrified. He gasps and he begins to shake too, murmuring little incoherent noises, repetitive “no’s” that begin to sound like some cult mantra. Keith is shaking his head, blinking back tears as his breath comes out as a wheeze.

Hunk seems to be experiencing the same thing, but internally. He is completely frozen, but somehow he comes back to reality and he’s somehow the calm one. Lance is proud of him, having started as so scared, so nervous, and now in the midst of whatever is happening, he remains strong.

“We have to go, Pidge has retrieved Blue,” Hunk says almost robotically, but Lance can’t miss the way his lip trembles as he speaks.

As happy and relieved as he feels to be surrounded by familiar, loving faces once again, something feels so horribly off and the feeling can’t quite shake off. He feels so wrong. He cannot even begin to describe the feeling of wrong and uneasiness he feels. It’s like something doesn’t belong, and it almost feels icky. He tries to ignore it, but it’s hard to ignore the horrible dread growing in his chest that makes him feel so uneasy and unsettled that it gnaws at his heart.

His only option is try to drown out the screaming voice in his head by drifting back into an uneasy sleep.

When Lance wakes up again the light is horribly bright and it is blinding, but when his eyes adjust and refocus he is greeted by the faces of the people he dearly loves.

And those who also love him.

He can feel their love as they all throw themselves on top of him. He can feel their love as they all fall into this mass hysteria. He can feel their love in their warm embraces, firm and right and determined to not let him go this time. Lance wonders what it would be like if they hadn’t found him when they did.

He can feel their love with their incoherent, emotional sobs. He can feel their love in their warm tears that spill everywhere. It’s magical, in a very odd way. Keith has managed to crawl against his left side, nuzzling his nose into his cheek and clinging into his waist. Hunk is on the other side, curled up and face buried in Lance’s hair. Shiro is basically on top of him, sobbing. Pidge is crying at his feet, curled up like some kitten. Allura is sitting on her knees by Pidge, crying and seeming afraid to touch him just in case he fades away, and this is some cruel dream. Coran is still standing, but tears streaming down his face as he holds his hand firmly, tracing the markings on Lance’s hand, trying to confirm this for himself.

He is filled with so much love.

“You scared me, Lance! I thought I lost you! I thought you were gone!” Keith sobs, his voice cracking and he’s nearly inaudible. This is too much for him. Keith is lost. But Lance is found.

“I can’t even begin to describe how it felt when you started to fade away from my sight. As you kept getting further and further away from me. I felt so small, so hopeless, it was like every light in me had died,” Keith continued to sob, his grip tightening on Lance’s arm.

“Don’t do that to me again,” Keith hisses, as salty tears continue to pour off his eyes and sting at his skin.

Lance opens his mouth to speak, and sits up to reach down and ruffle Pidge’s hair in comfort, but suddenly his heart stops.

Alarms go off in his head and his blood runs cold, his hands freezing and turning to ice and Lance’s body is shook with complete shock. He shakes tremendously as his hand shoots up to his mouth and his breath starts to hitch as his body reverts into a panic mode.

That isn’t his leg.

“No, no, this isn’t happening,” Lance whimpers.

“Lance,” Hunk tries desperately.

“This isn’t real, this isn’t real,” Lance sobs as tears pour from his eyes as his breath quickens to a rapid pace and he feels faint.

Everyone tries, but there is no way to console him.

Lance doesn’t even know if he’s screaming but he knows his heart is. Because his heart is aching and exploding and mountains collapse and the earth quakes and tsunamis collide with the land and tectonic plates crash and subduct and pull apart all at once and the worlds not quite the same anymore.

It’s like the sun has lost its light and all Lance can feel is the cold.

Lance doesn’t really sleep for the next week.

All day he tries to train, only to get frustrated when he slips or stumbles. All night he walks around the castle, and only succeeds in falling and having to crawl back. Everyone tells him to be patient, that everything will be okay, it takes time, but Lance cannot wait.

The universe does not wait.

Lance has to get back to who he used to be. He feels so wrong in his own skin and he doesn’t feel a part of his own body. It’s like his hovering above it trying to get back in. He hates not feeling like he belongs, he feels so lost and unsettled and Lance just wants to rest. He wants to feel okay again.

And he will work to no end to make sure he can feel okay again.

It is this horrible descent into madness and his friends cannot watch him go through it. It hurts too much. The light in his eyes is gone, and even his half Galra jokes are flat and empty. The team would do anything to get the light back in his eyes.

They try to help, they really do, but it hurts them too.

Lance limps out of his bedroom, an arm slung around Hunk firmly, holding on to him in hopes this time, this time he can walk.

“Easy now, you’re doing well,” Hunk reassures as he takes slow steady walks out of the room. Lance follows him, trying to lift his new Galra leg to the best of his ability.

They try for a few minutes, and time seems to slow at an agonising pace and Lance is getting frustrated. They’ve walked barely 3 feet in the past few minutes, and this is too slow for Lance. He’s so tired, so tired of waiting.

Lance thinks of being fast.

He thinks of running in the soccer field, feeling free and alive. He thinks of laughing with his siblings and running with the wind. He can feel the breeze in his hair and the sun shining on his face. So warm. He can feel the energy of being with the people he loved, his family. He can see their bright smiles. He can feel the dewy grass beneath his feet. It feels so right.

And when Lance looks down at his new leg the beautiful picture in his head is savagely torn apart and a hideous black is splattered all over it.

Then tears spring into his eyes and his lip wobbles, feeling so angry, so upset, so annoyed that this isn’t happening.

“You know what?! Fuck this, honestly, fuck it all! I’m done!” Lance hisses.

Hunk is taken aback, “W-wh..? Lance, hey, calm down buddy, you’re doing really well–”

Lance scoffs, “Doing well, Hunk?! Do I fucking look like I’m doing well? Do you need glasses, Hunk?! Cause if you think I’m doing well you’re going to need to go back to kindergarten and get yourself some observational skills, okay?!”

Lance pulls at his hair in frustration, “I am never going to get better, Hunk! This is all I’m ever going to be! This is what’s left of me, this pathetic, stupid piece of worthless shit! I’m never going to be more than this!”

“I’m never going to be the same again, Hunk. This is so fucking unfair and if you think I’m doing well then just fuck off, okay?!”

Hunk is frozen in place, beyond stunned. He shakes very slightly.

Suddenly Lance realises what he’s done and tears prick at his eyes. He shakes too.

“I-I’m sorry, Hunk. I-I didn’t mean..I shouldn’t have blew up on you..I..you’ve b-been so g-great to me and I treat you..”

Tears stream down his face, as he aggressively tries to wipe them away.

“I’m sorry, I-I’ll just..I’m sorry, I-it’s just too hard,” Lance whimpers as he limps and hops back into his room, and when the door shuts he doesn’t come out for the rest of the day.

“Coran, please, there’s got to be some planet out there that can help me. Please, you’re the smartest guy I know and I need to get better, please,” Lance begs.

“Lance, my boy..if I could help you you know I would do it in a heart beat. I would do anything to make you smile again..” Coran says softly.

“..But..there is no immediate way I can help you. I firmly believe you will feel at home with yourself again, with time, and patience..” Coran tries.

“I’ve waited long enough! I can’t do this anymore Coran!” Lance hisses, tears clouding his vision.

Coran looks sad, and many years older.

“..I-I’m..I’m so sorry, my lad,” Coran says sadly.

Lance sniffs and wipes at his eyes, offering him a shaky smile and a little nod and he’s limping off.

Coran can only feel like he’s let him down and he’s felt like he’s failed.

Lance doesn’t leave his room for days.

He cannot find the energy to get out of bed. He feels so empty, and he can’t find a reason to get out of bed. He feels so stupid, so pathetic, and he loses himself into this spiraling vortex of depression and self hatred. He feels so empty, so useless, so worthless. It’s like he’s lost his purpose, and the lights have gone out.

He’s either asleep or crying, and he doesn’t eat. He doesn’t have the energy. No willpower. He feels so lost and aimless, and he has no where to go. Lance doesn’t know how to start again. He just wants to feel okay again.

But he feels so wrong all the time, and he just wants to feel something that wasn’t empty. Lance wonders how he’s ever going to feel whole again when he wasn’t really sure what that was in the first place.

One day Keith is knocking at his door with a plate of food goo, and he’s wearing the softest smile Lance knows had he been his normal self would’ve melted him into a puddle and caused the birds to sing. But now Lance couldn’t even feel anything.

“Hey,” Keith says softly.

“Hi,” Lance says from beneath his covers.

Keith sits down at a chair next to Lance’s bed and lets out a deep sigh as he sets the tray on the bedside table.

“How are you..doing?” Keith tries awkwardly.

Lance doesn’t respond.

“Okay, that was a really dumb question, I admit. But..” Keith trails off, looking for something to say, but he finds something.

“..You need to stop shutting yourself out. You need to open up, because we’re all here for you. Talk to us, Lance, please. It’s the only way you can get better. Because you know what, Lance? We don’t understand. We really don’t. And we all wish we could, but we don’t. And we want to.”

Keith takes Lance’s hands in his own, “So please, talk to us. Tell us. Tell us everything we can do, everything you want to say. We want to be here for you, Lance. It doesn’t even have to be me, and not even now, but you need to talk to us, Lance. We hate seeing you like this.”

Something ignites in Keith’s eyes and a sunny smile creeps onto his face, a little lighthearted chuckle escaping him, “..Lance, I love you.”

Keith chuckles at that, he’s giddy, ecstatic to finally be saying it, he shines like the sun, “I love you, Lance. I love you.”

Keith looks him in the eyes with so much hope, “Lets save the universe. Together.”

Lance doesn’t want to break his heart, but there’s no other way.

“I..I can’t, I’m sorry,” Lance whispers softly.

Keith’s face falls and he swallows, blinking back tears as he nods shakily, letting out a trembling breath.

“O-okay..t-that’s..that’s..fine, uh..I hope..uh..” Keith chokes, backing away, shaking, until he has left the room.

Lance pretends like he can’t hear Keith’s sobs when he leaves the door.

Shiro knocks at his door a few hours later on the same day.

“Lance?”

Lance can only make a disgruntled noise.

Shiro lets himself in, shuffling around until he makes it to the chair Keith sat in earlier. Lance manages to sit up groggily. He lets out a deep sigh and offers him a kind smile, with the kindest eyes Lance had ever seen.

“Hey there, kiddo,” Shiro says softly.

“Hi,” Lance croaks.

“We’re all worried, Lance. I’m sure you know that. And you’re sick of hearing it. But we love you very much, and we’re not going to stop. Ever,” Shiro says firmly.

Lance doesn’t really know what to say.

“You know..I was so scared when I first got my Galra arm. It was..so traumatising, I didn’t even know what was real and what wasn’t for the first few months..” Shiro says lowly.

“..sometimes I still get nightmares..and flashbacks. And honestly? I don’t think they will ever  go away..but you know what? They get better. They come less often. It hurts less. It’ll stop ringing in your head painfully. Because it won’t all be in your head. Because you talk to someone,” Shiro says firmly.

“I know it’s tough, Lance, I understand. I really do. You feel so wrong in your own body, and you don’t feel like it belongs to you. But I think the key is realising you are more than your body, and learning to love yourself so you can learn to love something new. It’s not easy, takes patience, takes time. But it can happen. And I know it can happen for you, and one day it’ll all make sense again. It won’t feel wrong anymore. I promise,” Shiro says kindly, looking into his eyes with a compassion and tender care.

“The universe needs you, Lance. And I mean you. And you isn’t defined by your vessel. It needs you,” Shiro says softly, but somehow his voice sounds so strong and firm, and Lance can’t quite get the words out of his head. They echo repeatedly, and they’re all he can hear.

One day Lance will play soccer again. He’ll feel the breeze in his hair as the sun shines on his face and feel the dewy grass beneath his feet. Maybe it’s not quite the same, but it’s as close as he can get and that is okay with him.

It takes time, but Lance can finally say I love you to Keith back. This time he can say it and he can feel like he’s living in a technicolour dream but yet feeling so awake. This time he can say it and the birds sing and the stars shine too.

It takes a while, but eventually the light returns to Lance’s eyes.

It’s going to take time for Lance to learn to feel comfortable in his own skin again. Of course it’s  harder because it was hard for him even back then. It’s going to be a journey to love himself when he doesn’t ever really remember a time when he did. But Lance has his friends. He has his friends who will be there for him along the way. His friends who have always loved him, and will continue to. It’s a beautiful sense of familiarity that Lance can cling onto and call home. He can learn. He’s going to be okay. Body parts don’t define who he is. He has the same mind, the same heart, the same talents. He’s still a boy from Cuba, who had a wild dream, and is living among the stars. He’s still Lance.

And that’s enough.