#this is basically an entry in my Writing Journal because i'm talking myself through this lol

[keyboardandquill]

I keep getting writer's block in every. single. scene.

so, a while back I wrote a post about writing badly on purpose as a motivation for myself and others to push through when we feel our writing isn't good enough.

while I still stand by what I wrote in that post, I've still been struggling with achieving and keeping forward momentum. I keep getting bored with what I'm writing, and this happens on every single scene.

eventually I figure out where the block is, fix it, and move on. but it inevitably happens again.

recently, I read a post I read about undercutting tension by @septembercfawkes.

in the post, September talks about writing tension threads through to their conclusion while balancing additional threads of tension in the background so the scene doesn't take a nose dive once that conclusion is reached.

I realized, hey! that's what's been happening to me!

so...... how do I overcome that? it's not as easy as simply Doing. I have to figure out why I keep copping out on my tension.

For me, I think it's a combination of things.

first, I have ADHD and find it difficult to finish stuff (including scenes!) because I'm already thinking of the next scene or project.

second, I'm a pantser (for the most part), so I don't often know how a scene is going to end. that often translates to summarizing what happens next in only a paragraph or two so I can get on to the next scene.

third, and I think this is the big one: I get tunnel vision. In my focus on getting from point A to point B, I simply forget about every other thread of tension I have going.

there isn't much I can do about the ADHD, but the pantsing + tunnel vision combo? I can work with that.

I don't "Plot" in general because, in telling the whole story like that, my brain says I'm done and tries to move on to another project. However, I think I'll personally benefit from some limited planning. Micro-plotting the scene I'm about to write, and ONLY that scene.

the funny thing is, I've known for a while that I find it helpful to note what needs to happen in the current scene. I think I still struggled despite that because I wasn't consciously aware of the need to pay attention to my tension. (pay at...tension? eh? eh? anyone?)

anyway, I think I'll come up with a list of generic questions to ask myself before I move on to the next scene or chapter to help keep myself focused on the big picture.

(this is a reminder to myself not to consider these questions set in stone, and not to worry too much about answering them if I'm in a flow state with my writing during a given session. this is also a reminder to you as a writer, if you're still reading after that atrocious pun I made two paragraphs back. <3)

the questions will include:

do the characters need to react to something major that happened last scene?

did the characters learn something they have to follow up on/debate about?

what threads of tension were resolved last scene?

what threads of tension are still on-going as of the end of the last scene?

what new threads of tension might start in this upcoming scene?

I might make the questions their own post, now that I think about it. I'm also going to write them on a sticky note and put them above my monitor so they're close at hand. otherwise they're out of sight, out of mind. (which is another problem I have related to the tunnel vision. because I'm so focused on the Point of what I'm writing in a given moment, I'll forget to look at scene structure, which is an important part of Not Getting Writer's Block. so it goes.)

anyway, thanks for following along with my rambling, and I hope I said something that helps you in your own process! happy writing! <3

[autumnalwalker]

Writeblr Intro v3

Updating the pinned intro now that it's been a year and my (now previously) main WIP is complete as it's going to be.

Me:

I write as a hobby. It's something I do for fun and first and foremost for myself. But if other people happen to actually like what I write, that's pretty cool too.

I try to keep this main blog primarily writing-focused. I've set up the side-blog @traversedmiscellany for reblogging/posting any other random stuff that happens to catch my interest.

I tend to prefer to keep my online and offline lives separate so I rarely say much about personal details aside from what inevitably winds up leaking into talking about my writing.

I am open to tag games and ask games. Or just general writing-related asks.

If anyone would like to be added to a tag list (whether for WIP updates or tag games), please feel free to send me a message or reply to this post, specifying what you want to be on the tag list for.

My WIPs:

Completed (Is it still a "WIP" at this point? Either way, it's fully online and available to read for free.):

The Archivist's Journal:

A slice-of-life story about waking up on a fantasy tropical island told over the course of a year in the form of daily journal updates. Mostly fairly chill, just living life one day at a time, but with some occasional angst, social anxiety, and supernatural spookiness.

The whole story (just over 330,000 words) is posted on my side blog @thearchivistsjournal. Or if you want to read from the beginning, here's the chronological posting. Or if you prefer to read in a format other than Tumblr posts, it's mirrored over on my ScribbleHub.

Also, here's the post I made when the project was completed for some more meta background on it and what I mean when I call it "complete."

I may eventually make additional scattered journal entries as a sort of periodic epilogue, but Day 380 should be considered the end of the "main story," so to speak.

Ongoing:

Empty Names:

My current main project. Also freely available to read in full as chapters go up.

A bit of an episodic urban fantasy moster-of-the-week sort of deal that's mostly an excuse to have a cast of OCs that I like interact with eachother. The basic premise is a world-hopping adventurer attempts to set up a sword-and-sorcery style adventurer's guild in a modern world where "adventurer" isn't considered a legitimate profession. Has what I suppose one might call "genre-typical violence" with fighting monsters and such, and individual chapters are tagged with more specific content warnings where necessary.

Here's the masterpost for it with links to chapters and to several standalone side stories set in the same world/setting.

I'm much more casual with my update schedule on this project, but it seems to be coming out to posting weekly chapter updates for a month or two at a time and then taking a month or two off from posting while I rebuild my buffer queue for the next batch of chapters.

Also, while it's not exactly a focus, the five characters of the core cast are all some flavor or another of LGBTA+, if that's a selling point for you.

The Witches' Testaments:

A prequel to the currently-hiatused "Solarpunk Witch Story" below that I wrote the loose framework and beginnings of in a sudden fit of inspiration that I may return to sporadically.

The idea was to focus a bit more on the "punk" side of Solarpunk and paint a picture of the effort and rebellion that went into how that world transitioned from Cyberpunk dystopia to Solarpunk... well, not utopia exactly, but something better than it was and striving toward that dream.

And because that sort of thing is bigger than any one person and I had multiple worldbuilding concepts I wanted to touch on, I landed on the idea of writing it in the form of a series of interviews with various characters who lived through that period of change.

Here's the masterpost for it.

Indefinite Hiatus:

Untitled Solarpunk Witch Story:

A project that I absolutely intend to return to one day once Empty Names is finished, but that's going to be a good long while yet.

The story of a freshly-minted "witch" and her AI familiar traveling from town to town in an ecologically-recovering post-capitalism future, providing highly-specialized tech support and environmental consulting wrapped up in enough mysticism and aesthetics to blur the line between what's purely technology and what might possibly be some kind of magic. I only ever wrote a prologue and five chapters worth of an initial arc/town/problem to solve, but I liked what I wrote well enough to share all that online. Ultimately this project going on hold was a matter of it being one project too many for me to handle simultaneously on the time combined with a desire to get more experience at traditional prose writing (as opposed to the epistolary format of The Archivist's Journal) so that I could better do the concept justice when I do one day revisit it.

In the meantime, those initial rough chapter drafts are all up online here: Solarpunk Witch Masterpost

Miscellaneous other writing:

On most Thursdays I'll post small (couple hundred words at most) pieces based on various interesting dreams that I've had. Being based on dreams, the content is a mixed bag. Those are tagged under #my dreams. These now have a compilation Masterpost that I'll do my best to keep updated.

Alternatively, if you just want to browse semi-random excerpts and snippets from the above works, I post a lot of that under #tag game.

Some Standalone Short Stories:

(Stories that were either written to be standalone pieces, or appear within something else but worked well enough by themselves that I gave them their own separate posts.)

The Tale of the Merchant and the Blacksmith's Daughter: A sapphic fairy tale (and, in retrospect after writing, possible trans allegory).

The Melts: An attempt to shift what would normally be body horror into the genre of slice-of-life. "What if your body slowly melting over the course of the day were treated as no more serious than the common cold and you still had to go to work?"

Kindly Basilisk: A human mech pilot who wants to be a machine, an AI who wants to be human, and the relationship they form.

[feanorcurufinwe]

alterhuman journal - #1 - "common" theriotypes

I've decided I'm gonna start typing out my thoughts when it comes to being alterhuman because I still feel like there are a lot of things I still haven't figured out yet. :'D this is just the most convenient and quickest way I get to jot down thoughts and feelings. Feel free to read, no pressure to interact but a like is appreciated!

A huge problem I have with the therian community in recent times is the emphasis on "common" and "uncommon" theriotypes, like being a wolf/cat/dog vs any other animal. It really upsets me because I'm sure it makes a lot of people insecure about their theriotypes, including myself. :(

As of lately I've been feeling a drift between myself and my maned wolf theriotype. I get a feeling that it doesn't fit anymore, or that it never fit in the first place and I just didn't want to be "like everyone else". I knew I had a canine theriotype, but of course I didn't want to go to the gray wolf immediately because "everyone is a wolf", right?

It also got me thinking about how my theriotypes are even a thing. Like, how did I end up this way? I've been reflecting on it a lot recently and I think I'm starting to create a better picture of why I am the way that I am.

I think I experience therianthropy in the spiritual AND psychological way for different species. I believe my deer theriotype to be spiritual, 100%. I was a deer in one of my past lives; to me, that's what makes it make sense. But I believe my canine theriotype is different, I think it may be psychological?

I believe it stems from when I was young, with unrestricted access to the internet, lol. I didn't have many friends as a kid and spent most of my summers alone, at home. I took comfort in YouTube, watching artists animate their OCs and write stories of wolves and cats and dogs. I would draw my own on MS Paint with a mouse. It's all I really had, since I didn't have much in the way of toys either. The toys I did have were of course also animals.

Basically, I think I kinda imprinted on animals? I rarely was interested in media that had human characters as a kid. I only cared about humanoid characters if they were anthros, or an elf or something. Perhaps it stems from how other humans treated me as a child? I'm not sure. But I know from a very young age that I just couldn't relate to humans the way I would with animals in media. A lot of talk on why wolf/canine theriotypes are so common comes down to the media, and I do agree. Canines have been a close human companion for a long time, and I believe humans and canines share more similarities than people realize.

I don't really know where else to go with this entry, but that's what's been going through my head lately in regards to therianthropy. I'm still trying to find my canine theriotype, but for now I usually tell people "wolf", even if it isn't entirely accurate (yet). Don't be afraid to let your identity flow and ebb, otherwise you're just chaining yourself to the past.

[chen-chen-chen-again-chen]

Six Sentence Sunday & Countdown to EGF (Week 1!)

Hello hi hola!! Thank you for the early morning tags, @thewholelemon and @artsyunderstudy! I have six-ish sentences from Chapter 3 of my EGF fic, which I shared with my lovely EGF collaborator @shemakesmeforget (thank you for making me feel good about my writing 😆😆😆):

When Baz comes out into the kitchen, Simon Snow is still trotting around mostly naked except for Baz’s boxer briefs. He has freckles and moles everywhere, and the collar around his neck and the steaming mug of tea in his hands make him look oddly domestic; Baz is sure he’s seen a porn that started this way. 

“Here,” Simon says, thrusting the mug at Baz. “Wasn’t sure if you took milk or sugar.” 

“Usually milk,” Baz says, opening the fridge, “but - ah, yes, I’m out. I was going to do the weekly shop, but then kidnapping, imprisonment, et cetera.”

“Extremely et cetera,” Simon says solemnly. 

Writing blather, a bonus pic, and tags behind the cut! 

Here’s a brief description of my writing process thus far: 

Write 22 000 words in basically a fever dream / fugue state (around the same time that I wrote “A cake with your name on it”)  

Let it sit, because I knew it needed massive edits 

Sign up for EGF in early Jan with all the arrogance and naivete of youth, because “hey! I already have a draft!” 

Reread the draft in mid-Jan and feel like throwing up (Jan. 15 journal entry: “I just re-read my EGF fic and it seems like such a fucking disaster. What the actual hell”) 

Attempt ambitious rewrites. Fail. Lose momentum. Journal about it a lot. Draw a bunch of mind maps. Get lost in the black hole of Tumblr. Cry in the car. Eat kettle chips and binge-watch the K-drama Doctors  

Reread/re-watch some classic things that I should keep in a box/bookmarks folder called Break Glass in Case of Artistic Emergency (The Artist’s Way; Liz Gilbert’s TED talk on daemons; Kiki’s Delivery Service) 

Do some useful loosening up exercises (rewriting and responding to the Basic Principles in The Artist’s Way; writing a paean to the Muses; making a checklist of how to create a good writing context for myself)

Re-read the draft. Think, “Huh, it’s actually not as bad as I thought. Rewriting isn’t working, so I think I just have to work with what I have.” Realise that the draft hasn't changed in quality, just my mindset.

Think fondly of my old mentor McKenna (playwright, poet, Irish madman), who would always say, “These things that you think I'm teaching you? You know them already. I’m just reminding you, is all.”  

I share this not just because I crave validation (I mean, I’m an artist and a human, of course I crave validation) but because I think everyone who reads this probably resonates with at least one part of it. 

And it’s useful for me to have this as a record to come back to say, “Oh yeah, this happened to me before, this will probably happen again, here is evidence that I climbed out of this well before, and here are some really concrete things that I did to climb out of the well. This is all part of the process, even the stretches that suck and feel like you’re off-roading in the dark.” 

If you made it through this exercise in navel-gazing, please enjoy this picture, because I have apparently branched out from making fake t-shirts and entered the realm of making fake mugs for my fic, as part of my Creative Process: 

I have to run off soon (to pick up fresh cinnamon buns) so I am just going to do a bunch of hello tags off the top of my head in a completely random fashion: @erotic-grope-fest, @captain-aralias, @fatalfangirl, @cutestkilla, @technetiumai, @tectonicduck, @aroace-genderfluid-sheep, @raenestee, @dohrnaira, @larkral (look, I came out to play!!!), @facewithoutheart, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @whogaveyoupermission, @martsonmars, @aristocratic-otter. Happy Sunday to you all!

[knickynoo]

hi, i love your posts a lot and hope you're doing well!

you may have covered it before, but do you have any headcanons about the early years of doc and marty's friendship? i always find myself wondering how they went from a awkward employer and employee relationship, to the close bond we see them share in the films. i would love to know your thoughts!

Hello! Thank you; I hope you're also doing well :)

This kind of connects to an ask I had gotten a while ago about how long I thought it took Marty to fully trust Doc. My answer was: immediately, lol.

Basically, I don't think there was much (if any!) of an awkward period between them. In my head, it essentially went like this:

Doc *upon finding 14-year-old Marty had broken into his garage*: "Um. Hello, there. My name is Doctor Emmett Brown."

Marty: "Hey, I'm Marty."

Doc and Marty: *exchanging friendship bracelets*

I mean, in the comic book depiction of their initial meeting, Marty doesn't even care about discussing the pay Doc offers him. He says, "I'll be happy just to be the guy who knows Doctor Emmett L. Brown!" And. And! Doc's journals in the DeLorean Time Machine manual contain an entry written the day he meets Marty, where he writes, "I have a good feeling about the lad, and feel confident I can trust him." They are literally only hours post-meeting, and Doc has already put his full trust into this kid who snuck in through his window earlier that afternoon. Love it. Now for headcanons.

Obviously, Marty likes Doc from the get-go simply because he thinks he's really interesting and cool and smart, but I think--for Twin Pines Marty, at least--a lot of that initial connection comes from him being sort of starved for attention from a caring, adult figure. Every grown-up around Marty is dysfunctional. His father is oblivious and discouraging, his mother is a sad alcoholic, Biff is an abusive bully, and Strickland thinks Marty is a punk kid destined for a life of failure.

^^ I feel like this meme is fitting

Anyway, Marty then suddenly has this adult in his life who...likes him? Thinks he's smart and has potential? Doesn't talk to him like he's an idiot? I absolutely think that Marty was instantly like, "I am going to spend every possible waking moment here." Doc goes ahead and slaps the Flex Tape right over Marty's damaged self-esteem.

Those early first few months are filled with Doc slipping mini science lessons into all the time they spend together. Marty goes into the whole assistant gig with very limited knowledge, but he's eager to learn. Doc quickly figures out the best way Marty learns and absorbs information, and he gives him a lot of the basic facts and skills that he needs to be able to help around the lab.

I think it actually takes a while for Marty to open up about his family life. Doc has an inkling that home isn't such a great place, but he has no clue how to approach the subject and wonders if it's even appropriate to do so. They both dance around the topic for a long while until it all comes tumbling out of Marty one evening. Doc, having had his own unhappy relationship with his father, empathizes with his new friend, though I don't see Doc as being quick to share any stories of his own. He mostly avoids the subject when Marty tries to ask about his childhood (maybe just sharing stories of his mother). He does eventually talk about his father, but it's a tough thing to do.

Related to the above, I think Marty's little cot was an addition to the lab in those early few months of friendship. There were nights they were either working late, or Marty just didn't seem to want to go home, and Doc didn't want him having to sleep slouched in a chair or on top of a table. Marty walked into the garage one day, and there was suddenly a bed for him.

Contrary to the comics, I DO NOT headcanon that Doc gave that nickname to himself. Marty did, and it probably happened on day one or two of them knowing each other. He just went, "Yo, Doc," and Doc momentarily paused in brief confusion before going, "Huh, guess that's my name now." But Doc loves it because it's the first kind nickname he's ever been given.

From the moment Doc finds out Marty's a musician, he tells Marty he'd like to hear him play. Marty wants to be able to share his music with his new friend, but he's also really nervous. What if Doc thinks he stinks? Eventually, he builds up the courage and brings his guitar to the garage one night. He has Doc (and Einie's) full attention, and they both love his music. Doc is quite impressed with Marty's talent and encourages him to continue to build those skills and share his songs. Sometimes, Doc requests a certain song, and Marty does his best to learn to play it.

That's all I can think of at the moment! Thanks for the ask!

[casketscratch]

I am trying to write it all out and just purge what happened, or line up the pieces I know.

I can only ever do this when I use the pronoun "you," like--

Your parents get divorced. You still see your Dad every weekend. He takes you to see your grandfather every Sunday so your mom can focus on her coursework.

It's never "me," it's never even a specific alter name, it's just this "referring to myself in second person because it offers a certain distance." But I've always done this, journals going back as far as I can find are just 'you' all the way down, and sometimes in a really meta, self-aware way? There's an entry on the dreamwidth somewhere where it's like a narrator self-reflexively checking himself about how there's no real "you" there and he doesn't know who he's talking to.

Which, on the one hand, no wonder I gravitated toward being an English major, lol.

On the other hand... I doubt this is just me because "does anyone else do x" questions inevitably end in "yes!" from someone, right?

Totally cutting this because I am getting super navel gazy and English majory about my own writing at the same time.

I'm really interested in how much dissociative distance this enables while still being "intimate" in an omniscient narrator sense? Like "I" can still write about it by treating it like a second hand story or something. It's also definitely a sort of Watcher/Narrator part whose role it seems to be, he calls himself the Chronicler, so there's a lot of "an alter talking about another alter who he doesn't feel is part of his person" and whatever. But before I knew about any of that, this is just. How I'd journal without thinking much about it.

(I am also kind of high and working through this like a bad first draft here now, sorry, lol)

We never really experienced 3rd person POV dissociation like a lot of the literature talks about either and I kind of wonder if that made writing in third person feel more alien than second. Or something. (Or it's bits and pieces of all of this and a lot of factors at play, which, yeah.)

Bonus points: I hated psychoanalyzing literature in university because I'd have to start thinking about this stuff, but that period was also when the "you" logs really started. It was Chron and Stephan and Crue, or Chron reflecting back Stephan and Crue to themselves as "you," or whatever. Lot of "you" entries that read like short stories, like Chron was... watching our life like a TV show, but instead it was writing it like a book, I suppose?

And lest we forget, all of those entries from that period were "coded." We recovered our memories last year by realizing that if we followed the trail of references and allusions to our own, other journals over the years, we could trace a path to Crue in the inner world (or whatever, I guess more like discover our own system's architecture and find communication lines). That's how we reconnected with him.

He joked once that he introjected House of Leaves, because the logs/journals/thing really is this massive sprawling hypertext of memory and forgotten blogs and logins and passwords, Borges labyrinth kind of thing, and we've still only worked through about half of it. It was enough to break through our host's denial, anyway.

Maybe this urge to rewrite everything with what we know now is connected to that too. Like it's updating what's basically our own system's domesday book and fleshing out what Chron's learned since? Just. All in second person, all the time.

(The House of Leaves thing is like 50% a joke and 50% not, because I am also getting pinged with memories of studying it in a postmodern fic course when Crue was doing the academic work and maybe he's really not kidding, maybe our brain really did go "oh that'll be USEFUL" and here we are.)

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 04012024

Dear Diary,

I'm starting to feel like I'm abandoning myself, but I promise that is going to change. I think I said in my last post that I would write once a week because clearly writing once a day is genuinely too much of an obligation, but I still want to find a way to express my feelings. SO here I go:

To begin, I have completed my first week of work at my first big girl, corporate job. It is starting to pick up and I am really excited about it. Honestly, it sucks that there are a lot of exterior things to my work that are kind of numbing or getting in the way of my excitement, but I can acknowledge the positive feeling nonetheless. I only commute three days a week, and it going to take some time to get used to. It's exhausting as of right now, but am proud of myself for making the effort, getting up everyday, figuring my route out and getting on with it and I'm excited to see what this week will challenge me with. (Which I feel like one will be the weather because it's supposed to rain all three of my commute days RIP)

I have been having some incredibly tough to face feelings about the people around me, my family, my friends, my relationship. It honestly has felt very isolating, but it is something I will start trying to work through this week but I want to dive into some of those things.

The first, my friend. To be honest, I feel like distancing myself from her. I do not like how she speaks to me, and sometimes I feel like I try to ignore my feelings for the sake of keeping the peace, but what happens when I know longer feel the peace I keep trying to uphold? I feel like, our friendship truly only continues to perceiver is because I am the friend that wants to do the things she wants to do, but I truly do not think I am the one she really wants there. Could I be reaching? Maybe? Is it a possibility? I still think so. I have had these feelings harboring inside me for quite sometime, and I feel the need to really make sure my feelings are what they are before I try to talk to her about.

Next up we have my family. Fuck. I once said something about like "why is family so complicated?" and now I almost understand. I have a small family, and I have been around people who have these huge families, and stay connected with them. And then I think about my family dynamic. It's just my mom + dad, brother + grandma and I. And it's really hard to fucking deal with? Because on one end, I feel like they are all difficult to deal with in their own way. But then I just figured out they're all i fucking have. They are all I have. And I need to give my relationships with them a real try. [TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL CONTENT] I don't know if I ever journaled about one of my family members m*lesting me and my parents basically blaming me for it. I don't know if I ever truly forgave them or if I just let it go because I live under their roof. I don't know what that kind of forgiveness looks like, and I don't even know where it begins. [Triggering Content Ends] Which also brings up my weird feelings for my dad. I feel like ever since I've joined the "real world" he sees me. He wants to talk to me more, he is more invested in "what I am up to" its weird. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Did you not see me before? Did anything I did prior to having a job matter? Is me having a job the only way you feel like you can relate to me? I have questions, many, but I don't know if I can really stomach the answers. And my mother, I feel myself losing respect for her everyday, which is so weird because I have worked so hard to be able to call her my best friend and bestow that title onto her. But.. he continuing her affair even though my father is aware of it makes me sick. It makes me wonder how he feels, but who am I to go up to my dad and say "How does mom's affair make you feel?" I think ultimately it's none of my business, but also she involves me and I know way more than I should so...

Lastly, my relationship. *sigh* I do not know where to begin. I have also been harboring emotions about this too, which sucks because on paper its going really well. To begin, we hit the two month mark tomorrow, which he has acknowledged. But also, I think he has too much on his plate, and I'm really the last thing that should be on it. Maybe that sound crazy, but also.. I think he jumped into things with me too quickly. He got out of his last relationship in July and we made things official in February, I don't know how much growth a person needs outside of a relationship to really start working on themselves, but I do know that I feel neglected in our relationship. One of the things we used to talk about as friends was healing and growing closer to ourselves, which I truly spent all of last year doing. Did I mess with a boy here and there, yes, but I also didn't let it completely consumer me (well...) and I knew that I was ready to be un anything serious. Now almost two years of being single, I told myself I would not deny myself the opportunity to be truly and genuinely loved. I wanted to be heard, I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be respected, and he does all of those things. BUT, I feel as though I have truly been put on the back burner. I think that I definitely was someone he wanted to build with and grow with, but I think he got to me so that no one else got to me. And now that he has me, he is doing everything he can do now NOW to better himself, and I hate that for me. I try to be patient and understand. I try to be helpful and compassionate, but I have needs too and they're not being met. I want to spend physical time with my person, but all my person keeps thinking about is getting money (typical Capricorn). I want to find a good way to bring this up without attacking him, because he is already going through so much emotionally already. But I want a relationship, a partner, I do not want a pen pal. I did not sign up for that.

So we will see where we go from there. I think this week is going to be really emotional. Mercury in retrograde, we're in Aries which is the astrological new beginning. A lot of things are shifting all at one and everyone is really feeling it. I am deeply feeling it, and my period is coming. So.. good luck to me this mercury retrograde and eclipse season. It's about to get real intense.

No SOTD, sorry :(

[bellafragolina]

Rate my professor

I have nothing to say. Laventon is my fav from Legends Arceus and I will not be explaining myself well maybe if you ask

🍓🍓🍓

Laventon is a mess when he has a romantic interest in someone. He's not used to these feelings, being so dedicated to his research and the Pokédex. It takes him a while to realize that his admiration of you spans past just admiration. Akari and Rei can be thanked for showing him the real meaning behind his feelings. Please thank them. They are tired.

He's a rambler, about most anything that interests him. You make him excited, so he wants to share his interests with you in the hopes of making you smile. He'll drown you in Pokémon facts if you let him, and he'll specifically study up on your favorites to have a reason to talk to you. It's very sweet, and also fun to watch him grow more and more flustered as you attentively listen to his endless lectures.

He often invites you to have dinner with him, Rei, and Akari. The kids beg you to come along too, because when you're there, Laventon is not inclined to ramble about you to them. Sure, they think it's sweet that he has feelings for you, and sure they think you two would be a good match, but there's only so many times they can hear about how beautiful your eyes and smile are, how kind and smart you are, before they break

So, expect two meddling matchmakers to be on your tail. They want to know if you feel the same, so they can steer Laventon's romantic energies towards a more receptive subject. He puts the hopeless in hopeless romantic to them, so they're determined to help.

Laventon writes about you in his private journal. He likes to recount events from his day, and once you enter his life, many of the pages are filled with you. He treats you like a Pokémon entry in the dex, sketching your likeness, listing your favorite treats, and your favored locations to be in. The only difference is that your 'entry' doesn't seem to have an end. He learns new things about you every day, so he adds to his notes every day. It's getting out of hand.

Once he works up the nerve, Laventon will have one of his three darling Pokémon deliver you a love letter confessing his growing feelings, his admiration of you, ending with a request to let him court you. You can reply in a similar manner, through a letter, and he'll cherish it like it's divine. However, if you tell him you return his feelings in person, you'll get to see his lovely blush matched with his beaming grin and a few squeaky "splendiferous" and "jolly, jolly good"s. It's very cute.

Courting you is basically just taking you on walks around the village, spending quality time together alone, to get to know one another. He's been raised a proper Galarian gentleman, so he'll ask to hold your hand as you walk, to escort you back home, and (if you're lucky) you'll get a kiss on the back of your hand when you part ways.

🍓🍓🍓

I'm a sucker for sweet, smart nerds. I feel like I have a type that's starting to show. Anyway, I love him <3

~Renee

[discoveringsandra]

Journal entry #42

Hello! It's been a long time since I last wrote here. Almost a year. In this time I've gone to therapy, gained the will to keep looking for a stable job and, most importantly, I told my parents I am non-binary. I'm proud of this, it was hard, but their reaction was mostly positive, even if they didn't fully understand.

However, I'm still afraid of presenting femme when they are around or when going out. I'm also afraid of contacting the service that provides trans health care in my region. My therapist said I have a tendency to avoid stressful situations.

I've gone back to using Faceapp filters and similar apps. I know now this is a coping mechanism for me and that it can't and won't end my dysphoria. It just sucks having this strong desire for change and, at the same time, an irrational fear of change. That's why I have to cope.

The worst part is that the part of my mind that's irrationally afraid is looking for every excuse I can find not to be brave. I find myself overanalysing the behaviour of the people I'm out to, seeing malice where there's just confusions over feelings I don't dare to express. I don't want to be this resentful to the people I love.

But this isn't just a rant about how bad things are for me or how bad I'm feeling about my current situation. I'm writing this to convince myself of doing the things I need to do so I don't end up bitter, self-loathing and self-pitying, and basically depressed.

There's two things I need to do right now, with no specific order:

Contact the trans health care service. I can start with an email and see what info I can get and how I can proceed next.

Talk more clearly about the gender expression I want with my family. This can be a whole conversation or just me walking in a skirt and being like "I wear this now"; sometimes and image is indeed worth a thousand words. They'll probably need a lesson on grammatical gender, though.

One thing I need to remind myself is that, although I can't explain everything I'm going through from a rational level (and, technically, inside the cultural framework of a patriarchal society) I need to do this. This should work both for me and for everyone who comes up with doubts. The tricky thing about explaining it to others will be being assertive without sounding aggressive. My familly isn't so politicised that I can suspect their doubts come from transphobic "legitimate concerns" arguments, but I'm also afraid that, if I express myself with some insecurity (as it can happen when opening up about feelings you've kept hidden) they may think that I'm unsure about what I need, instead of being unsure of how to tell them. I mean, I kind of am unsure of what I need, but that's because I'm not allowing myself to discover it.

Okay, I need to add a third thing that I need to do right now:

3. Stop worrying about how people might feel over me being myself, even my loved ones. I need to stop thinking that I can't do this or that because of presumed bad reactions.

Like coming out, there's things that will never not be shocking for some people, and I need to accept that; or even embrace it. Otherwise, I'll keep just living afraid.

[lenasai]

fic asks!! 23, 25, 39, 49, 50 (all/any)

oooooo thank you!!

23. What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to?

stories told through letters, journal entries, etc. are pretty cool! i think at one point i had an idea about niq nyong'o keeping a journal during season 24 (it's in my list of "things i want to write about")

25. What other websites or resources do you use most often when you write?

i don't think i have ever passed the "write a blaseball fic without using reblase/before" test (so basically i have you to thank for making sure i don't completely fuck up things that happened on the site. thank you o7)

oh also the blaseball wiki

i just write blaseball fic so yeah

39. Is any aspect of your writing process inspired by other writers or people? If so, who?

i can't think of anyone in particular, but i often find myself reading other people's stuff and going "wow i wish i could write stuff like that." it's too many people to list individually. all i'll say is...wow. blaseball fic writers are Good

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

oh fuck shit i'm still like 5000 words into putting the blorbos in the angst blender (which i put on hold because i got into a bunch of other creative projects recently and will probably not work on for a bit longer so i can work on [REDACTED] for the lift exchange)

yeah i can share a few lines. have some sibling dialogue

In Tokyo, the Sunbeams batter falls to its knees in the outfield, digging its fingers into the grass and watching its tears leave beads on the blades.

Out of the corner of its eye, it sees the Lift batter making a run for second, and without another thought, it takes off in a sprint.

The Lift batter doesn’t have much time to react before her sibling knocks her to the ground in a full-speed tackle.

“Out!” an umpire yells.

“Ow…” the Lift batter grumbles, rubbing the side of her head as she sits up. “What the hell was—“

“I thought you were going to die!” the Sunbeams batter wails. “You were up there forever! I was scared!”

“I…I was scared, too. I tried. I really did.”

“W-well, you should have tried harder!”

and then they hug :)

50. Answer any question of your choice, or talk about anything you want to talk about!

ooooooooo free choice! i'm gonna take question 3 because...yeah.

(3. What are some tropes or details that you think are very characteristic of your fics?)

i sure do like to write about characters that are either very afraid of the future or very ashamed of their past. they all get hugs in the end because i think they deserve to be happy. i like to throw characters in the angst blender, but i write stories where it's clear people care about them and want them to be happy, too. even if it's more of a bittersweet ending, i try to give everyone at least some closure (for example, i specifically wrote the vault so parker and chorby couldn't interact with each other after the semi-centennial, but chorby does get to at least know parker's okay at the end of it all oops i just spoiled the ending lol)

basically i point at the blorbos and go "i want you to suffer but also you can have a hug"

[mai-melancholia]

First Entry!

Hi, my name is Mai, or Mel. I made this tumblr account because it seems to take less spoons to journal my feelings and because no one knows who I am (and as far as I can tell, only one person knows tumblr). This will serve as a personal blog for my healing journey.

Although I can write anything I want, I don't want to trigger anyone on accident if they up on my feed. I'll try to pretty up my tumblr as I go! And I will of course put trigger warnings if needed, but even then, I'll try to be mindful. I have been told that I have a very colorful language so I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I love writing out my journey.

With that being said,

I am going to talk about how I am. So, I find typing this stuff out to be relieving. I am practicing how to talk IRL, but right now, whenever I do open my mouth, it's a diarrhea mouth (disgusting I know) : everything just pours out with no filter.

So, for the majority of my life (like 1/3rd of my life), I have been in a relationship; I have never been single healthily. We're talking when I was 16 when I started dating. That is a big portion of my life.

::TMI INCOMING::

CW: I think I'm oversharing basically so it's going to be a lot of spoons to read this part.

So, as a result, I've been extremely codependent on not just my partner but the people I associate with myself with. My life mentor, Storm, puts it better of how bad it is:

TL;DR: I depend on the people I associate myself with to determine my value and it's because of that, I'm going to dissociate a lot because I lost those people.

::TMI END:: But yeah, I'll be journaling how I'm doing and jot down some thoughts.

My main goal of journaling is to put my story out there for those who may be struggling with something similar. This is the first week of blocking. It's hard. I uh... I actually went through a lot of relationships and two of them stand out the most. I'll give them letters. My relationship with the first relationship is C and my most recent one is J.

C and I are friends right now, but we are sorta strain'd. We did the whole no contact thing, and we reconvened in each other's lives 6 months later after we broke up. I got a lot to say about them, but I ain't gonna speculate unless I am for sure certain. For the most part, I'm going to be objective if I ever bring them up.

J and I.... Let's say that it's dicey. It's not complicated but it's just a lot. For now, I just want to move past them because they show no signs of wanting to reconvene. Wound still fresh, nothing is certain, but I right now just want to focus on myself.

So join me in this journey.

Be well.

-M

[life-with-geo]

January 8th

Hi, I’m back (almost started with hi guys, then remembered I have no followers lmao). It's been a week since I posted last, and I think I'm going to start posting every Sunday at 9:30 PM, essentially right before I go to bed. To be honest I don't know how long I’m going to be able to keep that schedule up, I might be taking on too much, but hey, we shall see, things change all the time. 

In the week thats passed, not too much has happened. School started back up on the second, unfortunately, and I’m already drained. Ever since my visit to the hospital, everything is so much more draining than before. I hope eventually I’m able to pick myself back up from this burnout, but apparently, the time it takes to recover from burnout is about 3-5 years. I don't have 3-5 years to heal from all this lol. 

We had a project due the day after we came back to my AP Lit class, our personal portfolio. I had a lot of fun writing it over the semester, but I also hated it. It took me through a lot of emotions and lore related to my past. I talked about my mom, my most recent failed relationship, and my failed friendships, all of which made me sad. I also talked about my grandma though, and my wonderful stepmom, so I think overall it kinda works out in a way. I think the worst part was putting the pictures into the binder. Pictures of my biological mom (you'll hear about her eventually) as well as pictures of my grandma. I may have been a little petty and attacked my ex in the portfolio, which is funny considering hes in that class and everyone can read them. I wonder if he will approach me about it, I doubt it, he's kind of a coward. 

On a much more positive note, things have become slightly more serious with this guy I’m talking to. Some might say it is FAR too soon to be talking to another guy fresh out of a relationship, but it’s been over a month now since the last one, and I’m too much of an all-or-nothing person to be hurt by one guy for too long. Or girl. I just struggle with attachment stuff. ANYWAYS. He’s way different than any guy I've ever talked to, and tbh, its refreshing. He's kind and gentle, but also ambitious and driven. It's something I've always wanted in a partner. I really hope it goes somewhere because he is genuinely so amazing lol. 

This week in the mental health section we have…journaling. Now I know a lot of people just say journal to get your feelings out there but people don't actually talk about the psychology behind journaling, the benefits of it, and WHY it helps. I know this is a pretty basic thing to talk about but its my first post with this little section added so bear with me, it's fine. 

There are a lot of different ways to journal and different kinds of journaling, and it really doesn't matter which one you do, it varies on your needs and what you’re trying to prioritize. I personally bullet journal and have another separate journal for my thoughts and feelings. So a lot of people wonder how journaling can actually be beneficial and I did a lil bit of research and fouuuuund… depending on the kind of journaling you do, it can be either just a release of emotions, it can help track symptoms of mental illness (or physical illness if you suffer from medical conditions, you can track if it’s getting worse or not, especially helpful in cases of people with chronic illness, but again, it varies person to person). Journaling can even help to identify negative self-talk that you may do unknowingly, and you can put in the work to change those negative thoughts into something positive. (All of this information is from a study posted by the University of Rochester Medical Center).

So to focus on the benefits of regular (“regular”) journaling, I’m mostly just going to talk about how it can be done and what to recognize in your journal entries (ITS ALWAYS HELPFUL TO GO BACK AND REREAD THEM EVEN IF IT HURTS, you can see how far you've come, and see what’s changed and whats benefited you throughout your writing journey). Journaling can be instrumental in the progression towards certain goals, as it is an internal reflection, slightly different from a diary, which can be defined as writing about the events of a day, and is mostly a daily thing. Journaling doesn't have to be a daily thing, it can be something you do more often when you’re having a rough time, with long entries full of crossed-out words and scribbles, versus the times you’re doing okay and when the entries are shorter and the words are neater. Either way, journaling is very good for self-reflection, helping you identify triggers and other things that may cause you any amount of emotional stress.

I think my favorite kind of journaling is bullet journaling, which I’ve only been doing for a short while but it’s very different from my thoughts and feelings journal. My bullet journal is something I use to keep track of assignments and also my habits, my reading, and things I've watched, I might start using it to track screen time. I also use it to track the story I’ve begun and this blog as well. It’s becoming very helpful when it comes to the planning of my future and the progression of my goals. I personally never found my thoughts and feelings journal to be very helpful when it came to goal progression, but it’s different for everyone.

One of the best parts of a bullet journal is the creative freedom that comes with it, of course, that’s not for everyone, and some people may simply choose a more minimalistic setup, or they may just not bullet journal at all, but that’s seriously one of the most therapeutic parts. Its a very chill process, I personally stole my setup from a YouTuber who I like, so it’s not my own creativity, but thats something Id like to do someday. 

Anyway, that wraps up this week's post, we shall see how this does, I might mess around with the length of posts, as this one got pretty long. See you next Sunday :)

[cherokeegal1975]

Dragoness and Mare Video Game Idea

I know I already posted this, but I thought it would be fun to give a more detailed explanation of my idea. I don't have any hopes of anyone actually taking interest in it as far as actually creating it, but I'd welcome your thoughts on it instead. As for myself, I have a strong interest in video games, but I don't have the knowledge or resources to create one myself. Don't have the money to buy them either. I learn about them from watching play throughs on YouTube. I'm also well aware that game developers do not like outside ideas. It was a fun thing to do at the time. Anyway, here's my concept and the little article I wrote about it on DeviantART below:

   I created a fake game play screen shot.  I can take credit for the horse and the dragon, both the full characters and the heads, but nothing else.  The rest I found online and made use of them like stickers.  I did add the text though.  Call me lazy if you will, but I just wanted to focus on drawing my characters and sharing my concept.  The game itself will never be made, I don't even know how to do such a thing, much less have the funds to buy the programs to make them.   The closest I can come is do a kind of writing game where I say "This thing is happening, if you choose to go left, click the #1 link, if you choose to go right choose the #2 link and keep reading."  I don't see myself doing that anytime soon...if at all.  It's an idea though.     Both the horse and the dragon are based on small plastic toys that I had as a child.  The drawings look a lot better than the original toys I lost so long ago.  Anyway, the basic game idea is that it's a story based, open world, lots of side quests, puzzles, useful collectibles, possibly a bit of a sandbox thing going on in it, with more than one possible ending.  Both animals can talk, both have abilities that compliment the other.  The main focus will be on content and though it doesn't have to be G-rated, it should not be focused mainly on violence or sexual themes.     So what do you think?  I know this isn't the most action packed scene in a game I've ever seen, but use your imagination, this is only one set in a huge world map.  I haven't thought too much on the story plot or anything, only the basic concepts of what I've learned from watching game playthroughs on YouTube.  I gradually learned what kinds of games I like and this one has everything I find fun and appealing in a video game...or so I imagine.     So, tell me what you think of my idea.  I really want to know.

    Update:   (This a journal entry from a few weeks ago, I've already figured out their names and I only added this on to help fill in some detail just in case someone actually wants to take my idea seriously...which I still know is about zero.) I know why a game developer wouldn't want to take my ideas and collaborate with me, they got too many of their own already and want nothing to do with outside help.  It's a shame too, I've got some good ones and just occurred to me that my pink dragon (I can't figure out a name and Rosie won't do because I've got a cat named Rosie here and I don't like to have more than one animal named the same thing even though my dragon isn't real.  Anyone have any suggestions?  Her name was Pink-yellow-blue, but that's the stupid name my child self came up with and I've long since outgrown it.) might make a great avatar for a roll playing game in an open world kind of game.   Her abilities are human speech and intelligence, omnivorous, fire breathing, excellent senses of sight, smell and hearing. Very good at digging, powerful jumps, her tail is as prehensile as a monkey's so she can carry objects with it or help her to hang on to things like tree branches.  Her scales make her tough and fire resistant, excellent climbing capabilities, a really good swimmer and her fore feet work like hands.  She can also stand up and walk for short distances on her hind legs so she can use those hands.  She's the size of a large dog, so that means she can go into smaller places the bigger species of dragons can't.  Her only disadvantage is her lack of wings since her kind never had them in the first place.  Also, males have two small horns on their noses and her kind comes in all colors and patterns, so if they show up in the game, no two would look alike.  Her best friend is a black horse with four white socks, a white mark that starts on her forehead and runs all the way down her nose, a white mane and a white tail and silver eyes, who is just a sweet an intelligent horse in spite of her unusual coloring.  (Haven't drawn the horse yet, but I will.  I had almost forgotten that horse.  It's gone too, lost it long before I lost the dragon).  My character's home environment is an enchanted forest full of giant sentient trees that can change themselves to make hollows in their bases the dragons can use as homes.  The trees can also create mischief for the unwary traveler who disrespects them by shifting positions in such a way that the movement is never seen.  This movement can create false paths and get people hopelessly lost if they aren't careful.  This tendency can also aid my character in finding places if she asks them nicely to help her and most likely they will because their relationship with the tree dragons is a friendly one.   Maybe one of the game goals is to have my dragon go on an adventure to rescue her horse friend?  The game could have puzzles included as well as helpful companions that could come along as the game progresses.  I would like the game to have the best graphics.  I did downplay the details on my dragon a bit because I wanted to hurry up and finish her.  I've been doing a lot of dragons lately and I've gotten tired of drawing more scales than I can count.  So, I just did contours instead and only suggested that she's a scaled dragon.  She's got little lizard like scales except for the ones on her underside and I would love it if that would show up in the game whenever the camera got close enough to see them.   Well, anyway, I am aware that my chances of collaborating a gamer are slim to none, I'm still willing to try to put the suggestion out there just in case someone would take me up on my idea.  This dragon would do great as an avatar.  Not sure of the full plot, but those details could be worked out later by the developer. Also, I think the game controls should have the option to be made to work with a mouse so people on a tight budget don't have to buy a game controller so they can play the game on a laptop.

[sasha276]

10/14/2023

My first journal entry on the Tumbler, since August 2022, over a year ago. I have written a bit in a different Tumblr account, because I couldn't remember how to access this one. I may connect that one to this one somehow, at some point.

I will introduce myself, since it's been a loooong while!

My name is Sasha. I'm 43 year old, but I feel a LOT younger. lol Like, a lot. I am married to a great guy, his name is Mark. He's loving, affectionate, supportive - what more could I ask for? I have a 16 year old stepdaughter, Sierra. We have shared legal custody between her Dad, me and her biological Mother. Another important member of the family is Nathan. He IS family to us. I'll talk more about my family situation another time.

Anyway, we bought this single level, ranch style home January 21st 2021. It's a cozy little home. I want to make some more updates to it. I'm sure i'll post more on that, later, as well.

I work full time as a Fraud Claims Evaluator, for Bank of America. I work for BOA, but through a 2nd party company. I've been working here since January 16, 2023. I work from my home office. I love my job!

I am also a full time college student, at Post University, online. I am majoring in psychology. I just got back into college, loving it do far! Next week is the last unit, and then i'll be starting my next unit. This unit I took Digital Skills for College and Career and College Success Seminar. I have a 100% in my Digital Skills class, and 98.24 in my College Success class. I hope I can keep up my grdes/GPA. My next classes are Fundamental of Psychology and College Writing. Looking forward to both!

I had been a homemaker most of my life, but most of the time, i'll admit - not a really good one. I am working on that. I am writing a daily task schedule for myself. I want to get in control of this house and my daily tasks!

Ideal with some health issues, both physical and mental. I'll go more into detail about that another time, too. Saving this blog entry for just the basics! =)

I am using this Tumblr as my personal blog/journal. You don't have to feel obligated to read it. I'm doing this for me. But, I welcome you to read through, if you are interested.

About me..

I'm 5'4" and 269.4 pounds, as of today. I had lost weight and was down to 250's, but then I have regained. I'm a size 2X right now. Clothes are a bit snugger than they were at 255, though. That is yet another topic that I will ramble on about another time. lol Anyway, to finish my description... I have blue eyes, though I sometimes wish they were honey/golden brown. Don't get me wrong, I love my eyes. But I really love gold/honey eyes. I am a redhead. From a bottle. lol My natural color was considered a dark reddish blonde. Although, I always considered it a light reddish brown. I have redhead complection, complete with freckles. lol Small up top, big booty. How's that from an honest and open description. lol

Some of my interests and hobbies include... Swimming, camping, short hikes, drinking beer around the fire pit, going out for drinks or sushi, gardening, poetry, cooking, decorating, shopping and thrift shopping, photography, writing, learning new things, seeing new places, long drives/road trips, the beach, palm trees, the mountains, waterfalls, psychology, forensics, true crime shows and documentaries, roses - especially those that I grow in my garden, old cemeteries, inspirational and motivational quotes.

I was reading through some of my older posts. It's interesting to see how much everything has changed. And, I realized how many typos I had in my posts! If there are typos in this one, i'm sorry ahead of time. lol I don't feel like going back over this post at the moment.

......More Later!

[returntosaturn271995]

Wednesday, September 6th: High on the beach

Got too stoned again.

I see this as a "re-framing" challenge. Basically, an intrusive high thought attempts to freak out my brain, and then I immediately negotiate the fear back from the edge with logic and compassion.

I realized when I was doing the dishes that I'm someone who cleans daily. Fresh new bedding, empty sink. Also, I run daily: I ran 27 minutes (including warm-up) of intervals today. There was no walking or break but jogging in between intervals. It was hard and I felt nauseated so I had to stop three separate times to catch my breath at the end. But I did run 17:56 minutes straight at one point, I went for a total of 2.54 miles, and I kept restarting until I had reached the very end. I saw it through, which is so much more motivating than giving up on the run because having paused means I "failed" or "can't" or that "if I finish it, it wouldn't count".

Count to who? Who am I doing this for? Oh yeah, ME. Fuck the charity money, I'm doing a 5K for ME. The kids still get their money, obviously a good thing, but if it were a free 5K I probably wouldn't have voluntarily donated. Because this isn't about the kids.

It's...about me. And that's okay because this is MY fucking journal and if it's ever okay to just talk about yourself non-stop if it's in your own journal. Not to get all meta: But I keep trying to be interesting in these entries when what I really want to do is brag. But hey, better to brag in something that no one will ever read as a healthy outlet to build self-esteem than at a party to some friends or hinge match.

But I get to brag. Journaling is my keystone. When I committed to consistently and (for the most part) accurately documenting my life, I started consistently doing my other improvements. By writing these entries, sometimes just lists of the little things I was doing to stay consistent, I was acknowledging myself and making me look forward to writing another good report the next day.

It made me think about why I was resisting some work. In therapy today, I realized I need to break down and ease into tasks and that the idea of "grinding" is what truly freaks me out. I was always told I was too sensitive, and that the world would be too hard for me, and to work hard meant to push past sensitivity. I was told that my frustration and fear weren't normal instead of radically normal.

So do the stops count on a run that was meant to be non-stop? Yep. They do to me. It's still the longest run I've gone on. The trick to running is to stay relaxed even while putting in effort. If you can't relax, stop until you can. That's true for fucking everything.

I didn't make myself push through nausea because feeling sick on a run isn't something to ignore, but to listen to. Rest days are important in running and so are rest breaks in the actual run if needed. I still pushed myself, but I wasn't grinding. I encouraged myself and I finished the run I had started even if I had to make modifications. I am a runner. A real one. Because I go often, not fast. I go consistently, not far.

And I'm getting better. I'm getting better all the fucking time. I have surprised myself with the things I have done. I used to only be able to run 7 minutes before getting tired. I have run almost an hour and a half this week and it's only Wednesday.

That's a big deal. If I can't feel that, ( even though the improvement still doesn't feel big or real enough) then I'm screwed. Trying and succeeding is the best fucking feeling in the world.

Remember trying? Remember how it works every time, all the time, always? THAT YOU ACTUALLY LIKE TO TRY?

Goddamnit. I used to think hope and self-esteem were just things you had or didn't have. I thought "hardworking" and "optimistic" were just things you were or were not.

But actually, they are things you practice.

Every day. You can wake up hopeless and self-inspire until you're back in fighting shape. You can wake up hating yourself, before reciting to yourself that you really are worthy inherently. That you have to have your own back to want good things for yourself. You can feel lazy and then practice leaning into the first couple of steps anyway. You can feel really fucking scared and unsure, but practice being logical and focusing on what's within your ability to improve.

Cheers to practice. To teamwork. Instead of feeling like life is in some final game.

I really do have time. I think I've never had more time in my life.

[stormwinddeliveries]

Day Two 5/14

Journal Entry: *Noodles hand writing is immaculate. Near calligraphy.*

Today, sucked. Not only was I moody, and achy, and sick, and likely out too much, but I...well no that was all basically it. I felt like shit and everything seemed to be going to shit. A general negative mind space that wasn't corrected by going out and doing anything. Or being around people, even people I love. I got moody and honestly kind of mean with Jasper. I snapped at some fellow who I don't really know all that well because he was annoying me. Told him to shut the fuck up and that I didn't like him, right to his face! Today feels like a day that I would have drank if I was drinking to lighten the feeling of all these emotions. Mostly the bad ones that are making me feel heavy, more achy, slow...Like rocks are tied to my wrists and they're pulling my entire soul down towards the floor. 

I didn't, though. Drink. Likely because I didn't allow myself to be alone. Even if my company was kind of shit and I mostly just fretted about upsetting Red, my friends put up with me. Olive really came in clutch about the entire thing. She was the one who picked out and paid for Jaspers flowers that he seemed to like quite a bit. Then she tried to encourage me on how to talk to him about all of this. Though none of them really have stable...Relationships. Or relationships to begin with. 

After all the friend hanging out, and flower getting, and gift talking about? Jasper finally pulled up from the thinking or working he was doing at the time. Which is where things got worse before they got better. When we went inside we were both really mopey. Likely because we've both been rather sick and drained. He's just carrying it all better than I am. Or hiding his symptoms from me so I won't worry.

When we got in the house I kind of got overly frustrated, cried and raised my voice, paced. I could tell it was bothering him that he didn't know a solution to my problems. Nor that he knew how to help me right then. But, it wasn't his fault. All the stuff I had been bottling up for the last few days kind of exploded without an alcohol buffer there. We talked, finally, about all how I had been feeling. About how I missed him, how all my emotions were so intense, how I didn't know what to do. I didn't speak about sober doubts that I can recall now. 

All that matters is that after I got it all out? I really did feel better. So much better, in fact, we chatted afterwards. About a few random bips and bobs, before I asked him if he'd teach me how to crochet! 

And, damn. That mans amazing. How he's able to take just yarn and weave it into shapes. Or things! With nothing more than his fingers and a little hook is...is...a magic in of itself. I told him to his face and I'm writing it here that I'm rather certain he's a witch of sorts! I don't know how long I had been actually practicing myself before we got distracted, but he made it all look so easy! Maybe one day I'll pick it up again and see if I can't, oh, I don't know...make an actual square or something! Like he did! Granted he whipped one out in like a minute, maybe. But he has been doing this quite a bit longer than I have.

Then the funniest thing happened. We started kissing, as adults do, along with almost another...progression in our consenting adult intimacy. When MORRIGAN woke up! We don't think she saw anything or even registered what was going on, but. You should have seen the look on HIS FACE. The sudden terrified awkwardness that flourished over his features. By the Light I was absolutely positive I'd cease through laughter right then and there. 

The poor thing had a stomach ache, but. It was an oddly...Funny and wholesome way to end the evening. Even if she had seen the two of us kissing, along with Jaspers hand...somewhere. I wouldn't change the interaction or the ending to tonight for the world.

At least through all the chaos happening, I didn't even register it was mothers day. Blessings come in painful packages sometimes, I guess. 

Lynn