#this is more about cas and what he chose to do

[what-do-1000-swords-look-like]

So I was thinking about this scene:

I've always talked about it from Dean's perspective (and sometimes from the Destiel perspective) but never from Cas'. I think the GA (and antis who claim this is a fanservice scene and nothing more) underestimate just how powerful this scene was for Cas' own story. The ILY aside, I think it's important to note just how full circle the angel's storyline came and how impactful that decision to include the bloody handprint really was.

When Cas first enters the story of SPN that we see (physically I mean), this scene happens:

Cas: "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."

Dean: "And why would an angel rescue me from Hell?"

Cas: "Good things do happen, Dean."

Dean: "Not in my experience."

Cas: "What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be saved."

Dean: "Why'd you do it?"

Cas: "Because God commanded it."

When Cas first rescues Dean from Hell, he has been commanded to do it. He's following orders. They have "work" for Dean to do aka an ulterior motive. And as we see here, Dean as always, believes he doesn't deserve to be saved (which we find out why in this particular instance later) and that good things don't just happen which momentarily confuses Castiel.

Dean: "Is it true? Did I break the first seal? Did I start all this?"

Cas: "Yes. When we discovered Lilith's plan for you, we laid siege to Hell. And we fought our way to get to you. Before you--"

Dean: "Jump started the apocalypse."

Cas: "We were too late."

Dean: "Why didn't you just leave me there then?"

Cas: "It's not blame that falls on you, Dean. It's fate. The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it. You have to stop it."

Dean: "Lucifer, the apocalypse, what does that mean? Hey! Don't you go disappearing on me, you son of a bitch. What does that mean?"

Cas: "I don't know."

Dean: "Bull!"

Cas: "I don't. Dean, they don't tell me much. I know our fate rests with you."

Dean: "Then you guys are screwed. I can't do it, Cas. It's too big. Alistair was right. I'm not all here. I'm not--I'm not strong enough. I guess I'm not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Find someone else. It's not me."

In this scene, it's after Alistair got out of the Devil's trap and attacked Dean, after telling Dean that he started the apocalypse by breaking the first seal. Cas reveals that the reason they went into Hell to rescue him was to prevent the first seal from being broken which would knock over apocalyptic dominoes. But they were too late. And Dean makes a good point: why didn't they just leave him there then? Considering what we know about how angels sometimes operate in this story, it would make sense if they chose to do something like that but Cas rescues Dean anyway. Which we know Cas was the one not only because he says it but also because when Dean is resurrected, we see this:

Which is further verified by what happens to Pamela when she touches it. She's able to communicate with Castiel directly (a la Amara with Casifer being able to connect to Dean but I won't digress) and we know her eyes burn when she attempts to spy on his true visage.

Now if we go back to the 15x18 scene above, we get:

Dean, Sam, Cas, and Jack are currently locked in a battle with Chuck and reclaiming their free will after they discover he's been the bad guy all along -> "Lucifer, the apocalypse" from 4x16

Dean and Cas are currently being chased down by Billie aka Death who is intent on killing Dean once and for all so he can go back to where she believes he belongs (and she had a plan in place to take care of Chuck and how Dean would play a part in it besides Jack and Sam) -> aka "Lilith's plan" & Alistair and Co getting Dean to break the first seal from 4x16

Cas is helping Dean to get away, rescuing him from what would have been a gruesome death -> Cas rescues Dean from Hell from 4x01 & 4x16

Dean feeling defeated when he and Cas are locked in the room (that has a Devil's trap in it btw) that Billie is trying to get into -> Dean telling Cas that they shouldn't rely on him to stop the Apocalypse & it's too big for him because he is suffering from guilt and self-doubt from 4x16

Dean: "Everybody's gonna die, Cas. Everybody. I can't stop it. She's gonna get through that door."

Cas: "I know."

Dean: "And she's gonna kill you. And then she's gonna kill me. I'm sorry."

If you take this dialogue and these two performances in this moment and compare it to the 4x16 hospital scene, you have a very similar event or theme happening here. The only differences are Cas' reaction (we see he is more greatly affected this time around which is due to their familiarity with one another and the development of their characters and relationship as well as the show evolving, season 4 was still considered to be the "horror show"), Dean while still hopeless is accepting of the inevitable & is not shutting Cas out. Instead he moves closer rather than looks away like he does in 4x16, letting out the one tear. Not that he wasn't vulnerable with Cas in 4x16, but the whole performance from Jensen while being different in its own ways is also quite similar to that scene.

While Cas saved Dean from Billie in the moment & warded the door to keep them alive that much longer (with his own blood but more on that in a moment), he comes up with a plan to stop Billie entirely that will save Dean but also cause his own death. Thus, he is going to rescue Dean while laying down his own life.

Cas: "When Jack was dying, I made a deal to save him."

Dean: "You what?"

Cas: "The price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, The Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever."

Dean: "Why are you telling me this now?"

Cas: "I always wondered when I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer because the one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have. But I think I know...I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having, it's in just being. It's in just saying it."

Dean: "What are you talking about, man?"

Cas: "I know...I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken, your'e Daddy's blunt instrument. And you think that hate and anger, that's...that's what drives you, that's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, but I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean."

Dean: "Why does this sound like a goodbye?"

Cas: "Because it is. I love you."

Dean: "Don't do this, Cas. Cas..."

Cas: "Goodbye, Dean."

Dean: "What?"

So not only does Cas address Dean's anger which has been a series-long issue that really was brought to the forefront the most it's ever been in season 15 (meaning the anger is fueling Dean's desperation which is now part of the main theme of the season), but he also saves him from his own personal Hell. While also setting Dean up to do what he does in the next episode when it comes to facing down Chuck and the decision he makes (along with Sam) not to kill him and give him what he wanted. What Alistair, Lilith, and Hell always thought he was. What their enemies (like Chuck) always thought about Dean. What he himself thought.

And the bloody handprint happens in the moment The Empty enters the room on one side and Billie breaks through the door on the other side (when the wards Cas put up in his own blood to protect Dean from Billie don't hold up anymore; yes, Cas used his own blood to protect Dean, the significance of that is just so...I don't even know how to put it into words):

Cas throws him against the wall, out of the way, so he can be physically safe from both supernatural forces. So he not only saves his soul so to speak, he also saves his life.

And what's important about this scene and the way it went down/was written is that while yes, it parallels how Cas rescued Dean from Hell, it also brings his story full circle in a very beautiful way (not just his relationship or profound bond with Dean). Cas chose to do this. He chose to speak those three little words to summon The Empty, ensuring his own death, but also confessing to Dean how he really feels with no expectations. All to save Dean.

So he did what he had entered the story to do in the beginning, but this time, Cas exercised his own free will to save the man he loved while also setting up said man to not only defeat Chuck but also to save the world. Something that Dean himself chooses to do while exercising his own free will (which is another reason why 15x20 makes no sense).

So that bloody handprint, whoever came up with it on the day or if it was in the script (I can't remember which), that was a moment of pure genius because physically it helps pull this whole scene and Cas' story together even more. Cas is commanded to save Dean from Hell, leaves a burned-in handprint on his shoulder. Cas chooses to save Dean from Death (and himself), leaves his own bloody handprint on his shoulder.

As much as I hated Cas dying for the longest time and I didn't understand why Misha was so happy with that ending for his character (despite the parallels), I now get it. Cas' story had come full circle. He exercised the free will that he had not only earned but was given when he changed thanks to knowing Dean, way before Jack entered the picture. That's development, folks. And it was exemplified in the most beautiful way possible. He got to choose when to summon The Empty and why. He got to choose to save Dean one more time but this time of his own volition (though I would argue he may have chosen to save Dean's soul pre-4x01 despite the latter having started the apocalypse). But this scene from beginning to end is HIS choice. The circumstances and time pressure may be present but he could have tried to find another way to get them out of there or he could have lived (because I don't see how Billie could have killed him, he's an angel and The Empty purposely wanted him to be happy and then collect him so even if Billie got all stabby stabby, The Empty would have probably sent him back because it wouldn't be satisfied), but no. He made the choice to utilize this deal that Dean knew nothing about in order to save Dean once again.

And sure enough, in 15x19 we see:

Chuck is defeated. Dean had his free will all along (as did Sam). Jack is now the new God, which also brings another portion of Cas' story full circle and he helped to bring about. While Dean obviously misses Cas, he is able to stand on his own and make this decision himself without Heaven or Hell whispering into his ear or trying to affect the outcome. This is Dean Winchester exercising his free will (that he never really lost like he feared which is also important for the whole John/Chuck convo that we'll save for another time).

So for those who say Castiel wasn't an important character in the series or in relation to Dean (or Sam or Jack) or that the 15x18 scene was fanservice or pandering, you are incredibly wrong. Castiel proved to be instrumental in not only Dean's story line (as well as the other two) but also to the ending of the mythology altogether as well as the end of the series. The end of 15x19 looks like the exact way it's supposed to (minus them planning to break Cas out of The Empty & calling up Eileen & Jack still hanging with his fam = Winchesters 2.0 getting a better and more sensical ending that they had earned, especially in relation to Winchesters 1.0). The way Cas exited the story mirrored the way he entered, with a few slight differences. And like I said above, that's called development and it was illustrated in the most beautiful way possible while also giving one of the original members of Team Free Will the earned right to exercise theirs.

[via-l0ve]

i saw ur spn works n i looooveeee them :3 if u dont mind.. could u write ab dean, sam, n cas with a reader whos touch averse but also touch starved? very very uncomfortable with touch from other people (to the point of feeling sick or a breakdown) but when it comes to them, reader loves their touch (has a hard time initiating it though) reader will only ever tolerate their touch, it makes them feel so comfortable <3

Touchy (SPN Pref!) 🩷

a/n: i’m back babies :3 hope you enjoy :)

warnings: nothing! very slight angst because of crying and struggle to explain feelings.

Dean:

it takes dean a minute to realize how special he is to you

over the years, he had seen you flinch and squirm away from others touches

he’d been there to comfort you after a particularly hard time, consoling you when you break down from the overwhelming touches of other people

so when you guys started dating, naturally he was cautious around you

he loves you more than anything, but his worst fear was upsetting you

at first, he almost never touched you

until one day when you stood next to him, he saw you reaching your hand near his and pulling away, practically shaking

he acts on impulse, taking your hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze

after that, he was the only one who was allowed to touch you

and if ANYONE ever stepped beyond your boundaries

dean would bury his fist in their face before their fingers could graze you

—

Sam:

Sam always tried to understand why you hated the touch of people but yet yearned for it

He always intimidated people if they touched you, threatening them if they chose to not listen to your social cues

He was always there for you

24/7/365 whenever you felt uncomfortable, he wanted you to tell him

which is why, he suspects, when you started going out, he touched you rarely

he’d graze your hand with his or rub food or makeup off of your face

but when you told him through tears how much you loved his touch, he realized

you needed it. you just didn’t know how to say it.

so since then same always has contact with you when he is near you

whether it be an arm around your shoulders, his hand on your thigh, fingers interlocked, anything

he’d never let go

—

Castiel:

my baby :(

he always was so concerned about your feelings

he never wants anything to upset you

he especially never wanted to upset you

he always asks about your boundaries, why you don’t like people touching you, what he could do to help, etc

the one time that he witnessed you break down, he was the most concerned he had ever been.

heaven couldn’t prepare him for the love he felt for you

When a nasty hunt happened, castiel was scared seeing the blood seep from your clothes

you stumble to the bed, shaking and crying from the pain in your abdomen

cas rests his hands on your stomach, whispering some consoling words and “i’m sorry”’s for touching you

but he was surprised when you didn’t say anything, just grabbing his hand after he had healed you

“are you alright?” he asks, but then realizes

you just want his touch

only his

and Castiel smiles the biggest you’d ever seen and keeps a gentle hand on your stomach.

[insanesonofabitch]

I’m a firm believer of the idea that the writers had to get Cas and Dean to stay away from each other as much as possible in season 9, especially after everything that happened before, during, and after their time in Purgatory—like Goodbye Stranger, for example—because if they stayed together, destiel would’ve already been canon.

So just imagine if Gadreel wasn’t a dick who was being used to keep them apart, and they let Cas stay inside the bunker. Cas is human, complete with fresh, new, and intensified human desires. Who’s also canonically in love with Dean, by the way. As for Dean, that motherfucker literally almost confessed in season 8. They wrote an entire subplot about Cas being brainwashed with the intention of breaking him out of it by having Dean confess his feelings towards him. By telling him he loves him.

Do you fucking see where this is headed towards?? THE natural progression of these events??? That the writers had set up and trapped themselves in?????

Human Cas safely staying in the bunker with Dean would’ve been such a perfect environment for more intimate moments between them. And they couldn’t risk that. Dean having to guide Cas through mundane, day-to-day human things he never had to deal with before literally sounds like the plot of a cheesy romantic series I’ve seen. Which makes me wonder about what the hell took place between the night Dean stayed with and took care of Cas after their fight against Ephraim, and the morning when he drove Cas back to work. That was one of the few moments in that season where they could be alone together. And also something that they chose to skip over.

[linkspooky]

SUKUNA, YOU ARE ME

Now that we're in the last few chapters of Jujutsu Kaisen it's time to do a deep dive into Yuji and Sukuna's relationship. Is what Yuji showing Sukuna here truly empathy? Does Sukuna's death and Yuji's attempt to reach out mean Sukuna was human all along? We'll discuss that, the parallels between this and Mahito, and what Sukuna's exit means for both himself and Yuji as characters underneath the cut.

I AM YOU

While this post is about the connection between Yuji and Sukuna, I'm going to say the majority of this post will be about Yuji. I stated this in a previous post, I don't believe Yuji's showing Sukuna empathy here. While his offer to let Sukuna live inside of him may be genuine, it doesn't come from a place of genuine understanding. Sukuna himself isn't written as a character to be understood or empathized with.

Look at the words Yuji said. "You are me." He's not saying he's like Sukuna, he's saying Sukuna is like him. He is projecting himself onto Sukuna. Everyone in the story does, even Kashimo and Gojo who both considers themselves the strongest of their time and who naturally should have been able to understand the isolation of being someone as incomprehensibly strong as Sukuna were just projecting their own personal experiences on them in the end.

Of course we could dig a little deeper on the topic.

How much can one person truly understand another? It doesn't have to be a curser, or a borderline incomprehensible deity like Sukuna. How much do you understand your own best friend?

Gojo mentions that he felt loved by everyone, but also that he was so beyond their understanding that they may as well have been plants in comparison to him.

Of course, Shoko herself says that Shoko was always right there next to Gojo trying to offer him support and Gojo just chose to keep her at an arm's length. Gojo also believed that only someone as equally as powerful as him like Sukuna could understand him. Only to find that Sukuna didn't care about Gojo's feelings of isolation at all, nor was he troubled by love in the least.

Gojo makes himself out to be someone so superior to other human beings that he's beyond their comprehension, but that's Sukuna. Gojo did feel understood once, by Geto in his youth. The thing was that Gojo assumed that Geto could understand him because they were both euqal in power level. However, years after the fact when Gojo has long surpassed Geto, their friendship remains exactly the same.

The one that Gojo pictures patting him on the back is adult Geto, not teenage Geto. The one who Gojo truly would have been satisfied by in the end was Geto, not Sukuna.

So maybe what makes Sukuna so impossible to understand by others is that same reason why Shoko can't be close to Geto. Sukuna can't be understood by others because he doesn't care to be understood by them.

Perhaps, understanding isn't the end all be all of human connection. Gojo accepted Geto, and he didn't accept Shoko. Maybe Shoko would have been able to understand Gojo if Gojo ever tried to be emotionally open with her the ever way he was with Geto then he might have felt understood.

Then there's Ryomen Sukuna who rejects love and every notion of humanity along with it.

Therefore empathy means nothing to Sukuna. Yuji's empathy in particular. No, Yuji's attempt to save Sukuna is more about himself than Sukuna. It's a reflection of a change of Yuji's state of mind that he's willing to accept living with a curse like Sukuna. That he'd even try to understand Sukuna. Curses that Yuji previously dismissed as not even being worth understanding.

The first time Yuji said these words was when Yuji tried to make an offer to Sukuna to let him take control of his body in order to heal Junpei, in order to be laughed at by Sukuna. It was the last time Yuji ever asked anything of Sukuna.

Remember, in the very beginning of the manga Sukuna seemed like a standard inner demon character like the nine tails, or hollow ichigo. Yuji even thinks he can use Sukuna to switch out to help fight for him like against the special grade cursed spirit. However, we and the audience quickly learns that not only is Sukuna not just some evil half of Yuji, or a convenient power up, he's an actively malevolent entity with a will that will do anything to escape.

When Yuji realizes that Mahito and Sukuna are both curses, he starts to see Sukuna as an enemy trapped within him. Something he's reminded of again and again, especially after the Shibuya Massacre. From that moment Sukuna and Mahito become like villainous foils to Yuji, the dark to his light, the enemy for him to kill.

Yuji defines Mahito and Sukuna as his opposites and his enemies By killing them, he also gives himself a role. It's Sukuna and Mahito's actions in taunting is the first time Yuji uses the language "kill" when dealing with curses.

Mahito compared himself to Yuji and by saying as a curse he mindlessly kills humans. The same way that Yuji as a sorcerer, mindlessly kills curses. They are on the opposite side of the same cycle with no end in sight.

Yuji decides to embrace this violent cycle because it at least gives him a role to play. If curses are the shadow of humanity, if they're a reflection of humanity then what exactly is you saying here?

Yuji says he is Mahito, and then immediately that he's going to kill Mahito. It's not a statement of self acceptance, or accepting your shadow, but rather a statement of self destruction. Even though Mahito is a chaotic evil curse who enjoys killing humans, Yuji's decision to throw away his humanity just for the sake of killing him isn't a healthy way.

When Mahito said "You are me" he was attempting to drag Yuji down to his level. Yuji then willfully descends to Mahito's level as long as it gives him the strength to kill Mahito. It's character regression on his part. Yuji once said he didn't want to kill because then the value of life might become vague to him.

In a way it did, because Yuji began to devalue his own life. Yuji wasn't able to see any meaning in his life besides a "role' that someone else assigned him. Not only was he willing to throw it away at the drop of a hat, but he also didn't feel like he had permission to live.

Unlike Yuta who actively sought affirmation from others, Yuji rejected that affirmation and tried to push everyone including people like Megumi and Choso away. They were right next to him, but Yuji became unable to accept their love and support.

Yuji is a strange paradox because he presents himself as an all-loving hero who just wants to save as many people as possible, but then you read his dialogue and he's like "I'm just a cog in the machine, I will continue to kill curses until one day I die. Then I'll just be replaced by another cog. There's no meaning at all to this sequence. Life is an endless nightmare."

I'm exaggerating, but underneath Yuji's sweet nature and goofing around, there's this very bleak attitude that his life means nothing except for the labor that he produces, and one day he'll be tossed aside and that's fine because it's what he deserves.

If Yuta seeks self-affirmation, then Yuji is seeking self-destruction. His self-loathing leads him to practically lay his head down on the chopping block and offer his neck up for execution by Higuruma's domain during the fight with Higuruma, even when Higuruma himself points out that Yuji isn't the one at fault because he wans't in control of his own body. Yuji will still take the blame, anything to punish himself further.

So, the words Yuji uses in his triumph against Mahito also signify the destruction of his own ego. That is what Yuji does when he adapts his cog mentality, he denies his own sense of self.

What Yuji experiences is basically a prolonged ego-death.

Ego death is a "complete loss of subjective self-identity".[1] The term is used in various intertwined contexts, with related meanings. The 19th-century philosopher and psychologist William James uses the synonymous term "self-surrender" and Jungian psychology uses the synonymous term psychic death, referring to a fundamental transformation of the psyche.

I brung up Ego-Death in the Jungian context, but in Yuji's case, resigning himself to being a cog is also an act of self-surrender. Yuji basically moves away from all of his previous ideals. He only sees himself as a tool to kill curses. Saving others, or helping guide others to a natural death, those things get put on the back burner as a tool doesn't need ideals.

He's abandoned all kinds of idealism and higher reasoning. In fact that is what Mahito wanted him to do, to abandon the higher reasoning that belongs to human beings and act on instinct like a curse. Mahito successfully pushed Yuji to abandon human reason and become an unthinking cog.

Jung defines the Ego-Death as the stripping away of everything else to revert to your natural self. According to Ventegodt and Merrick, the Jungian term "psychic death" is a synonym for "ego death":

In order to radically improve global quality of life, it seems necessary to have a fundamental transformation of the psyche. Such a shift in personality has been labeled an "ego death" in Buddhism or a psychic death by Jung, because it implies a shift back to the existential position of the natural self, i.e., living the true purpose of life. 

Megumi also experiences an ego-death over the course of the manga that mirrors Yuji's own when Sukuna takes over his body, soaks his soul to bring Megumi near evil, and then kills Tsumiki. At this point both Yuji and Megumi both lose what were their reasons for fighting. The so-called "dignity obtained by human reason" is lost. After having those reasons stripped away from them and experiencing their ego-deaths both of them surrender control. Megumi becomes helpless and stops trying to fight Sukuna. While Yuji may not seem like he's given up on anything since he keeps trucking along, he too has given up on thinking for himself. Yuji has essentially given up as much as Megumi has, there's just less plot consequences for it.

Either way they are both brought to their lowest point by ego-death, in order to bring them to their lowest point, and make them experience a rebirth of sorts.

The persona in Jung is the face you show the outside world. it's one part of personality, with the other being the shadow. The shadow is the repressed part of peresonality. Just like curses are made up of repressed human emotions that leak out from our collective subconscious. Curses serve as the shadow of humanity collectively, especially Mahito who is made up of everything humans hate and fear about other humans. The physical embodiment of human cruelty.

However, a person can't live without their shadow. There's no such thing as a human without flaws after all, and you don't become a better person just by ignoring your own flaws. The kinds of people who are unaware of their own flaws tend to unconsciously repeat the same mistakes again and again and again.

Yuji despises curses as inhuman monsters that he can slaughter like they're enemies in a video game, but they're like... made of human vices. They are the product of humanity's emotions. Yuji's habit of only looking at the good makes him unaware of both his own shadow, his own shortcomings, and also the darker shades of grey in the world around him.

Megumi and Yuji both are characters who, need to be dragged down to the darkest point of the shadow and forced to confront their own flaws in order to learn about themselves. It's not a coincidence thaT Yuji who puts humanity on such a pedestal is a human and curse hybrid. That his older brother who's shown to be a source of overflowing unconditional love is also a human / curse hybrid, and who Yuji nearly killed because he blindly, obediently decided to kill curses. That Yuji killed two of his other curse / human hybrid brothers in spite of noticing they were different from other curses and had a family bond with each other.

It's not a coincidence that Yuji who puts humanity on such a pedestal devoured the corpses of all of his other brothers the same way that Sukuna ate his own twin in the womb to gain the power to defeat Sukuna.

Yuiji lacks a lot of self-awareness. That's why I've always said he doesn't quite live up to the "all-loving hero" he sees himself as. Savior is just a role that Yuji has adopted in order to give himself a purpose in life, but he falls short of that. The reason that he falls short is ironically that Yuji tries so hard to be superhuman, that he can't forgive himself for having basic human flaws.

It's why "Being a child is not a sin" is such a meaningful line coming from Nanami. In Yuji's eyes being a child is a sin. He constantly blames himself for not being able to hold the weight of the world on his shoulders, for not being able to save everyone by himself even though he's only been a jujutsu sorcerer for a few months.

It's why Yuji gets excited for a moment when Kusakabe mentions that Yuji is developing very fast by sorcerer standards, because he wants to be someone monstrously talented like Higuruma or Gojo - and why he immediately looks so disappointed when Kusakabe says it's not because Yuji is talented it's just because of Sukuna.

Yuji feels an overwhelming amount of responsibility and wants to be a special person who is strong enough to actually carry all that responsibility on his shoulders. That's why I say Yuji isn't a true all-loving hero, because it's more about Yuji's own feelings than the act of saving others. His guilt complex over Sukuna.

His desires to be someone special and meaningful. Yuji wants to be a good person who saves others because it gives YUJI and purpose and it gives YUJI a sense of fulfillment. If you've read Tokyo Ghoul it's like Kaneki's reason for participating in the Anteiku Raid. Not because he genuinely wanted to save others, but because he "was tired of not being able to do a thing."

(I'm keeping the meme panel because it's funny)-

Yuji wants to be strong and wants to be a savior because Yuji feels insecure in himself and loathes himself for his own weakness. However, this pushes Yuji farther away from his goal of saving others and making connections with other people so he can die surrounded by people BECAUSE people empathize with each other over their weaknesses.

Yuji wants to become someone strong and unbreakable who will never falter, never feel pain, and most of all never lose. He basically wants to become Satoru Gojo, but if Yuji were to ever rise to Gojo's level like that just by getting rid of all of his weaknesses he'd fundamentally lose his ability to connect with people the way Gojo and Sukuna have.

Yuji defines himself in strength, and suffering, and always overcoming, but then what is his heart for? He strives to become someone stronger than Gojo or Sukuna to protect his friends, but if he loses his heart that loves and cherishes those friends in the process then what even is the point?

Yuji walks a dangerous road from the culling games up until the Shinjuku incident, into nearly becoming like Mahito or Sukuna in his attempts to be stronger than them. I don't think he was ever in danger of going on a murder spree, but I do think he was risking becoming someone like Gojo.

Gojo made himself a tool for Jujutsu Society for the greater good and look what happened to him in the end. Not only did he die in the line of duty, his corpse was turned into a puppet to use as a weapon against the enemy. He made himself into a monster even when people like Yuta were begging Gojo not to. Yuji was on a similiar path of cutting off all the people who loved him and just becoming a person exploited in both life and death for the greater good.

So what stopped him?

Megumi.

YOU ARE ME.

A few people said that Yuji's abandoning the cog mentality suddenly happened too fast, or felt unearned but I think if you look at the culling games arc from higiruma's fight onwards as a whole it's actually a natural progression.

It all starts with Higuruma and Yuji's conversation:

Higuruma: "You're innocent. You didn't commit that crime." Yuji: "Even so, it's my fault." Higuruma: "Why?" Yuji: "...I see. Itaodri, there still may be a lot of people who are weak like you."

Yuji is someone who loevs humans, but puts humanity as a whole on a pedestal. He loves humanity but hates human weakness, especially his own weakness. Ironic because Higuruma is also someone who became jaded by having to work in the corrupt justice system and was forced to look at human ugliness day after day after day even though he wanted to be someone who valued people for their weaknesses.

Yuji doesn't learn to empathize with human weakness until Megumi's weaknesses are the one he's forced to confront. He doesn't abandon his notion of roles until he's robbed of his roles by Sukuna when Megumi becomes the possessed one instead of him.

Yuji is fine with being a sacrifice for the greater good, but he is not fine with sacrificing Megumi. By knowing exactly what Megumi is going through and wanting to save Megumi from Sukuna's possession, Yuji is in an odd way forced to empathize with himself. Like, it's a double standard on his part that's being challenged. Yuji blames himself for all the people he hurt as Sukuna, but he'd never blame Megumi for letting Sukuna kill tsumuki while possessing his body.

In his refusal to sacrifice Megumi for the greater good, even when Megumi is begging him to do so he rejects the common Ethos that sorcerer's are expendable cogs who are expected to sacrifice themselves and their comrades in the eternal fight against curses for the sake of public safety.

Yuji carries with him this grandiose notion of saving as many people as possible. However, when the option comes to make a sacrifice that would save hundreds of thousands of people from the merger by fighting to kill Megumi instead of save him from Sukuna's clutches Yuji can't do it. Even though Megumi at that point would be a completely willing sacrifice.

Yuji has to abandon his cog mentality to save Megumi, because an unthinking cog wouldn't put Megumi's life over the lives of everyone in Shibuya. A cog, especially a sorcerer would kill that one kid in order to save thousands of lives. Heck, Kusakabe more conservative sorcerer even brings up that argument that everything would have been avoided if Yuji was executed to begin with.

In order to save Megumi, Yuji must also reclaim his own humanity. There's a reason that Nanami, and Nobara, die right before Yuji adopts his cog mentality. Nanami, the most ethical of the first grade sorcerers who tried to teach Yuji to value his own life because he was a child, and Nobara the only kid in the main trio who was a normal person are both representatives of Yuji's humanity.

After losing both Yuji becomes reckless, he stops valuing his own life. As I said far, far bove, Yuji never listened to the advice Nanami gave him that it wasn't a sin to be a child. Yuji has this entire time thought it was a sin just to be weak, just to need the help of other people, just to not be able to accomplish everything on his own.

After Yuji starts reconciling with his own humanity though, he regains his connections to both Nanami and Nobara. Nanami comes back symbolically in the form of Higuruma, someone Yuji tries to encourage to live instead of taking the same suicidal path that Yuji was bent on. Whereas, Nobara herself actually comes back from the dead in time to land the final blow, the same way she reminded Yuji of her presence and that she wasn't alone in the Mahito fight.

Yuji also regains these connections when he's processed the grief for both people. He remembers Nanami and what Nanami left him in a more positive light. In my interpretation the line "I am a sorcerer" refers to Yuji developing a more healthy version of being a sorcerer. That instead of Yuji seeing sorcerers as slaves who have to sacrifice themselves for the greater good like Geto did, Yuji can see the camraderie between sorcerers who fight and put their lives on the line together.

Either way, I think the moment Yuji truly reconciled with the grief of death is sadly enough with Choso's death. If you want proof that Yuji's revelation wasn't rushed, that he didn't skip from point a to point b, then it's right here.

Choso apologizes to Yuji for leaving him ahead of time, and Yuji tells him not to, because Choso was always by his side when he was at his lowest point and that brief time they had together was enough for him.

Yuji's relationships so far have been defined by his fear of losing people. He wants to have a natural death, he wants the other people around him to have good deaths, he doesn't want people to die too early. By focusing on the fear of losing people, he hasn't yet been able to enjoy the time that they were around. However, in this moment he realizes how much Choso meant to him, even if their relationship was brief, and even if it came to an end. Yuji learned you can still love someone even if you inevitably lose them.

This is when Yuji finally accepts mortality and fragility as a part of life.

This is also what Sukuna can't accept. That life is fragile. That life is weak. That life comes to an end. Sukuna's entire goal is to maximize pleasure and live as long as possible, and therefore he's rejected all of the unpleasant parts of reality. Sukuna doesn't want to live in the real world like a human being, he wants to exist only in the world of Jujutsu where he's a god.

This is what Yuji represents to Sukuna, The human vulnerability, and mundanity that he threw away, by literally cannabilizing his own twin and throwing away part of his soul. The part of his soul that Sukuna threw away was taken by Kenjaku, and used as a science experiment to create Yuji. Technically, Sukuna is Yuji's uncle but symbolically Yuji is the twin that Sukuna cast aside. Especially since in this world cursed energy treats identical twins like they are the same person.

Yuji for the longest time tried to do what Sukuna did. Tried to throw his own humanity away so he could be as strong as Sukuna. He literally even ate the corpses of his own brothers.

Yuji and Sukuna are symbolically twins, but Yuji learns to embrace the things that Sukuna threw away. Sukuna threw away his own soul's twin in order to grow strong. He became all powerful in the jujutsu world because he ate his twin and gained an extra pair of arms and a mouth. He's like if Maki chose to kill Mai instead of Mai sacrificing herself for Maki's sake.

Yuji chose companionship with others over power. Sukuna doesn't need others people to satisfy him, and Yuji begs Megumi to come back from the dead because his life would be lonely without him. Yuji doesn't have some noble reason for going this far for Megumi's sake. He's not saving Megumi for the greater good, but because his connection to Megumi is important to him. Because he doesn't want to go through life without Megumi.

Yuji loathes weakness like Sukuna. Yuji desires to be someone special like Sukuna. Yuji has a grandiose sense of self importance like Sukuna. Yuji desires power like Sukuna. Yuji looks down on weak people like Sukuna does, he just condescendingly wants to save them instead of Sukuna who just wants to stomp on them like ants.

Yuji is also literally Sukuna. He was created by an offshoot of his soul. The same way that Sukuna was born with a body perfect for Jujutsu, Yuji was born stronger than anyone his age, and develops at an extreme rate as a sorcerer BECAUSE he was Kenjaku's science project to make the perfect vessel for Sukuna.

They are totally twinsies in so many ways, the only difference in the end is that Yuji learns to value human connection. In Sukuna's book there is no meaning to life, except for the pleasures he pursues as an individual. Therefore Sukuna is the only real person that matters or even exists. The narrator says as much he alone is the honored one, all that exists is his pleasures and displeasures.

In Buberian terms Sukuna only experiences existence and I and It relationships.

Buber's main proposition is that we may address existence in two ways:

The attitude of the "I" towards an "It", towards an object that is separate in itself, which we either use or experience.

The attitude of the "I" towards "Thou", in a relationship in which the other is not separated by discrete bounds.

Sukuna is the "i" and everyone else is an "it." Sukuna is the only real person who exists, and everyone else is just an object for their amusement.

Whereas, Yuji experiences "I" and "Thou" relationships. Yuji learns to see other people as different from himself. Yuji appreciates people as separate entities. While Sukuna gets amusement from his life by treating other people like toys, for Yuji the value in his life comes from the people who have entered into his life in some form. He appreciates the relationships he's formed with people and the memories they've left behind, no matter how brief the time they spent together was.

This is why Yuji's words reach Megumi, because he respects that Megumi feels differently than he does. He doesn't tell Megumi to just suck it up and keep fighting because that's what Yuji would do. He understands that he's a different person than Megumi, and he can't say he understands the grief and pain Megumi is going through right now.

That's Yuji's big revelation, in just a few short months as a sorcerer he's met so many people who left an impact on him. Some of those relationships came to an end early, but that painful ending doesn't negate what they meant to him.

The few months he spent with Choso have value even if it's not the same as the one hudnred and fifty years Choso spent with the rest of his brothers, because Choso supported Yuji when he was at his lowest point. Yuji finally sees that what gave his life meaning was the memories he made with other people while they were alive together. Not the way that they died.

So Yuji is finally willing to let himself exist outside of a role.

That's what he's offering to Sukuna as well. Maybe not empathy or understanding, because if Yuji had truly learned empathy maybe Sukuna might have accepted his offer. No, Yuji is simply willing to offer Sukuna the chance to live alongside him.

Sukuna rejects bonds of all kinds and Yuji is now embracing them. Yuji no longer seeks to annihilate curses because they're a fundamental part of life. Yuji wants to live on with his curses and burdens. He's also willing to give Sukuna a chance to keep living too.

Even Yuji points out that both of them are totally twinsies. Sukuna was born as a curse because he devoured his twin brother in the womb. Yuji was born as a curse because he was created to be Sukuna's vessel. The only way that Yuji is the way that he is is because he was raised as a normal child by his grandfather. If Yuji hadn't then he would have turned out entirely different. It's the same way that Choso became human because of his love for his brothers, even though he was born as a curse human hybrid and tossed aside by Kenjaku as a failed experience.

Yuji acknowledges both his capacity to have turned out like Sukuna if not for his grandfather's sake. This time when he says You are me, he's not saying it to threaten and destroy the person he sees as his shadow. This time Yuji is trying to reconcile with his shadow. He's looking at the person who represents the absolute worst of humanity, and the things he hates about himself and is still willing to give them the chance to keep on living together with him.

When Yuji says "I am you, so I'll kill you" to Mahito, that signals his first step on the road to self destruction.

When Yuji says, "I am you, so I'll save you" to Sukuna, that signals his first step on the road to self-acceptance.

It's Yuji allowing himself for the first time to just exist as a normal person not as the hero of some epic story. He even gave Sukuna that chance too, to just continue living alongisde him, but sukuna rejected it to keep on living as a curse until the end.

So, while Yuji saying "You are me" to Sukuna isn't true empathy, it is Yuji learning to accept himself and his flaws. . Because if Yuji is willing to forgive someone like Sukuna, then perhaps he might just learn to forgive himself.

[eroselless]

ESTABA LOCA POR PROBARTE

Summary=>Request: Could you maybe write a smut one shot about Carlos? Maybe smth along the lines of his girlfriend getting her nipples pierced and he can’t get enough of them? Thank yaaaa [1.3k]

[carlos sainz x reader ]

MASTERLIST

Warnings: 18+ for explicit language and smut, titty suckin, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it), daddy kink?, we're also ignoring the physics of sand and how it gets everywhere.

 If there's any I missed let me know!

Note: It’s a little shorter than I hoped but I like it nonetheless. I changed it a little to the reader having the piercings beforehand just cuz I know how long it takes for those mfs to heal lol, hope that’s ok! Also, would guys be interested in doing more Spanish dialogue (with the translations, obvi) or should I use more English dialogue?

here's the playlist i listened to while writing :)

You could see him from where you were wading in the water. He’s leaning back on his lounge chair, hands up, holding onto the pages of some book he picked at the hotel store. The waves had calmed down and only pushed you around a little bit. The waves lapped gently against the powdery shore, the cool water soothing your slightly burned skin. The beach was fairly empty, the sun almost below the horizon behind you. It was surrounded by looming palm trees, secluded from the public and prying eyes. You waded out of the water, approaching Carlos as he watched you get closer. You looked like a goddess, water cascading around your shoulders in waves, water dripping from your body. Carlos was almost jealous of the water and how it clung to your skin. 

“Nadaste rico?” did you have a good swim? He asks, eyes unabashedly trailing over your figure. You let out a hum, wiping your face with a towel. You shake your hair out, sending drops of water towards him. He lets out a squeal, leaning away from you.

You let out a laugh, a smirk appearing on your face. 

“Te ves muy calientito, amor.” you look very warm, love. You state. You cock an eyebrow, placing your hands on your hips. He looks up at you, big brown eyes open wide. 

He has enough time to put his book down on the sand before you pounce. You jump into his arms, hair going everywhere. Your fingers poke at his sides, pulling a loud laugh out of him. His hands are holding firmly onto your waist, trying to avoid touching your sopping-wet bathing suit. You both eventually run out of breath and he relents, letting your chest press against his. 

You lay there for a second, cheek against his warm skin. He trails his hands down your back, stopping right above the elastic waistband of your bikini bottoms. His fingers fiddle with the strings, careful not to accidentally pull the knots out. You look up at him, chin propped up on your hand. 

You sit up in his lap, the sudden cold making you shiver. There’s a new look in his eyes as he stays still. They’re dark as he once again takes in your appearance. Your chest heaves a bit and your hair is messy, still dripping with water. His fingers remain in the same spot too but now he’s tempted to pull at the knot that holds them in place. 

“¿Qué?” what? You ask. 

In one swift move, he sits up, taking your face in his hands. His thick lips envelop yours, tongue easily sliding into your mouth. He tastes a little salty from the ocean breeze. Your hands wrap gently around his neck, fingers pulling at the hair that’s at the base of his neck. His hands move back to your hips, rocking them against his. He feels terribly hard underneath you and you feel yourself grow wet. 

“Espera, y si alguien nos ve?” wait, what if someone sees us? You ask. He simply shakes his head. 

“¿Porque piensas que escogí este lugar?” why do you think i chose this spot? He retorts. His eyes full of anticipation.  A shaky smirk appears on your face as his lips begin to trail over the skin that joins your neck and shoulder. His hands sweep over your shoulder, fingers gently pulling the triangles that covered your tits. 

“¿Puedo?” can I?  You nod, you know what he’s referring to. He’d been waiting patiently for your nipple piercings to heal, always asking when he’d be able to finally play with them. 

You hiss slightly as he peels the fabric of your swimsuit away. The metal bar shines in the sun. you hear him mutter out a soft coño as he finally presses his fingers to your pebbled nipples. He pinches them slightly, careful not to tug too hard. Your mind is buzzing at the touch, after going almost a year without having anyone else but yourself touching them. It sent signals down to your cunt, spurring you on even more. 

“No creo que jamas superere estas cositas.” I don't think I’ll ever get over these. He whispers in your ear, nose dragging over your cheek.  He leans down, capturing one of your sensitive pearls between his lips. They drag over your skin. He savours the taste of your skin, pushing his nose further into the plush skin of your breast. 

You let out a gasp, back arching and snapping into position. He switches nipples, gently sinking his teeth into your smooth skin. You huff, the heat between your legs beginning to become unbearable.

“Te n-necesito,” I n-need you. You say breathlessly. Carlos simply hums.

“Pero si estoy just aquí, ¿que más necesitas?” But if I'm right here, what else do you need? He wanted you to tell him. To beg for his cock.

“Necesito tu polla,” I need your cock. You begin, pressing your hips down to the tent in his swim shorts. “Por favor, papi.” please, daddy.

He quickly undoes his shorts, pumping his cock as you pulled the knots free on your bikini bottoms. You guide yourself over him, sinking down. The stretch is devilishly delicious as you rock against him. He grabs your hair in a makeshift ponytail, pulling it back. With your neck and chest revealed, his teeth nip at the now exposed skin. You falter a bit, a deep moaning falling from your lips. You swear you start to see starts, eyes rolling to the back of your head. 

“Te vez tan bella asi, toda jodida.” you look so good like this, all fucked out He says. He grips your hips, pressing his heels into the lounge chair underneath you. Pushing up, he snaps his hips into yours. The force is so great you feel yourself fall forward, hands pressing into the cushion of the chair around Carlos’s head. 

He ruts into you faster, fingers squeezing bruising tight. You can feel a coil begin to form in your stomach. He hesitates, slowing down slightly to press his fingers into your clit. He looks divine laying beneath you, sweat beading on his forehead, lips parted and panting. His eyes are draped in shadows and droopy. Oh, he’s close. You think. He knows you mostly likely won't be discovered by anyone but shit, it excites him further.

He’s a whimpering mess when you tells you: ya estoy por venir, i’m gonna come. 

He pulls you down, pressing your lips together as you both grow closer to your end. You press your fingers to your clip, stimulating it as you feel yourself start to clench around Carlos. He snaps his hips up one final time and spills himself into you. You cry out as you feel him gush into you, sending you off the edge. 

He watches your tits bounce faintly as you try to regain the air knocked out of you. He pulls you flush to his chest. Mirroring the events from earlier, you lay on his chest, both of you struggling for air. He presses his lips to your head as you come down from your highs. He relishes in how the soft sting of cool metal of your piercings press against his chest and he can’t wait to have his mouth on them again.

a/n: hey guysss thanks for making it this far. I hope y'all liked it! I very much am missing summer right now and thought it would pair nicely with the request. I apologize it took a little bit to get it out. I'd love for more requests! I've been on a Carlos, Lando and Charles high right now so feel free to send in any ideas you have :) and once again, feedback and reblogs are always appreciated <3

[yok00k]

telepatía

pairing: idol!jk x model!oc

genre: fluff!

“a kilómetros estamos conectando”

—synopsis: when you’re getting ready for a party and jungkook, who’s thousands kilometers away from you, wants to video call.

word count: 1,082

warning: ldr, they’re disguisingly so cute, the word “baby” was said for about 1 million times it’s sickening, different timezones, oc dress in front of jk, mention of insomnia, anxiety, stress, mention of an uncomfy situation of oc where other men were being men, protective jk (this jk is not a manipulator, trust), 1st person pov(im so sorry)

author’s note: my second drabble/fluff!!! this was shorter than I wanted it to be but there will be few (idk how many, it depends to the future me) series of idol!jk x model!oc. <the meaning of ‘mahal ko’ means ‘my love’ in filipino>

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

Taking a cold shower after having an intense leg day plus cardio at the gym hits so different. I feel like a brand new person after getting out of my bathroom. I then settle down in front of my vanity table and begin doing my skin care + makeup. As I finished a smooth base of foundation, my phone vibrated.

2 messages received from

mahal ko🐰🤍

|| hey baby

|| can we facetime plz? wanna see u

[10:33 pm]

his text was unanticipated at this hour since it’s 5 am in Korea.

me

|| sure bb

[10:34 pm]

mahal ko wants to facetime

drop everything i have with my hands, i swiftly hit the green button, eagerly to see and hear his voice. we’re mostly texting these days because of having different time zones and working schedules to follow. Oftentimes when he’s free and wants to facetime me, I would be either at work or sleeping and vice versa.

“hi pretty!!” he cheerfully greeted me as my phone screen revealed his cute sleepy face. As usual, he’s wearing one of the eight Supreme beanies i got for him when I was in Tokyo. [side story: i was just strolling in the streets of Harajuku when i found this one clothing store that has a lot of stuffs i know jungkook would like and that’s when i bought those comfy beanies along with other nice things]^_^

“helloo, my ggukie can't sleep?” i asked while finding something i can lean my phone on so that i can continue doing my makeup

“응.. i'm trying to sleep but can’t.“ he simply explained as he placed his phone on the side of his bed, moving his naked body to a more comfortable lying position. His arm filled with cool, artistic tattoos is out and on sight, while his other arm were covered with the thick white comforter, so as his entire body.

“What's been going on in your mind?” I know that something is bothering him at times like this. i get that having the job and lifestyle he has, isn’t merely easy. the pressure, the media, the fans, everything. But although he deals with all these things, I never once heard him complain about them because he knows that that’s what he signed up for the day he chose to pursue being an idol.

“Just been stressed lately with rehearsals and I'm still jet lagged, maybe I have insomnia? ‘m not sure but it’s driving me crazy. now i get what u mean when u say ur body is tired and ready to sleep but ur mind isn’t.” he further describes how he feels. The worry and anxiety is written in his facial expression.

“my poor kookie you could’ve call me earlier and i would help you to fall asleep”

“but you were at the gym. i know you like blasting reggaeton music while working out.” he pouty responds. well, in his defense he’s right. I love that he remembers small details about me but nothing can top my love for him.

“i do that but I prefer listening to my boyfriend’s angelic voice while working out so that i’ll have motivation to do more reps.” replied to him right off the bat. realistically i meant what i said. I usually don’t like talking to people when doing workouts but he is an exception.

I received no words but a soft laugh. He must have thought I was kidding. I took a glance at him before I put lipgloss on[his favorite shade].

i can see him covering the blush he has all over his face. i'm very glad to see him having relief.

‘’Where is my pretty girl up to? hmm?” he curiously asks as i put highlights as my last step to finish up the look

“just going to the club for Sakura’s birthday party, i'm running out of social energy almost every day because of work and parties but I can't miss this event” I explained as I headed over to my walk-in closet.

“hmm ‘kay tell her i said happy birthday. what are you gonna wear?”

“well i'm debating on wearing a black leather mini skirt with this asymmetrical black top and for shoes i have this black knee high boots or i just go with this simple black mini backless dress with these red bottoms high heels” i say as i show him all the clothes. he and I almost have the same taste in fashion. if we were to combine all of our clothes, they are pretty much all black. whenever it’s shoes, jackets, tops, pants, etc. this is why buying clothes for one another isn’t difficult for us.

“What did I tell you about mini skirts bb?” oh. i forgot that he allows me to wear mini skirts unless i’m with him since an incident happened when i was in the club and random guys were making me so uncomfortable by giving disguising lust looks and nastily commenting on my skirts. Although he and I know that no matter what a girl wears, guys in the clubs will act like animals regardless. He told me to not wear it because he’s controlling me but rather because he won’t be there to protect me if something happens.

“ok then the second choice it is” i confirmed, putting the first outfit choice back to where they belong.

“how about you wear that mini skirt when we go on a date? how’s that sound?” he suggests.

“ok then ggukie”

“dress in front of me?” he boyishly asks, using his deep alluring voice. He definitely knows what he’s doing. How can I say no to him?

After dressing, I proceeded to put on the Cartier necklace with his initials in it that he gifted to me when he first came to visit my penthouse in Chicago.

“still have my oversized leather jacket with you?” he inquire before he yawned

“yupp, why?” I curiously asked

“bring it with you please. i don’t want you getting cold in there” he softly requested. him and his simple gestures make me fall in love with him deeper.

“i will baby thank you”

“i love you ___, don’t look at other men” jk murmur jokingly. Well, I hope he said that in a humorous way for the reason that I assure him with my sincere words almost every hour.

“ I love you more gguk i’ll update you ok?” he just hums, waving his hands leisurely to say goodbye.

[lucrativesoul]

Welcome Home

summary: you finally graduated college and are home free for the summer, planning to spend as much time as possible with your best friend. what you weren't planning for, however, was the incredible sight of her older brother, Leon, who had drastically changed after all those years. you had never thought you would fall for your best friend's brother.

pairing: leon kennedy (re2) x fem! reader

word count: 9.3k

warnings: smut, bathroom sex, public sex, fingering, dom(ish) leon

a/n: guys, thank you endlessly for 300+ followers, 250+ reblogs and all those likes! i'd like you all to take a moment to read this, apologies... i absolutely love writing. I've been writing for ten years! crazy. i do it for fun, and because i want to put out the content that i want to consume and i want to be that outlet for people who don't write but want to consume, that is just as fair! a while ago, while writing this, my laptop gave me a scare. i'm realizing now that its a 5 year old macbook, which, in apple timeline, means it might be on the way out at the blink of an eye. if you are feeling generous at all, i have created a ko-fi. it is absolutely not necessary, because i'm not doing this blog for money, but if you really love my work and want other ways to support me, it's there. i will never be upset at no donations, but i made it in hopes that i'm on this blog for a long time. so sorry for the rambling, i really hope you guys enjoy this one, and i will be back soon for a fifth fic. love u!

No matter how many young adult fiction books you read, how many love story tropes you think you have seen, there was just one that seemed so unreasonable, it was almost laughable. Because, after all, you spent way too much time with this person to ever even see him as attractive, it had never even crossed your mind. Come on, your best friend’s brother? The boy who was so ungracious, messy, impolite, and had a crude, childish sense of humor? It was just unrealistic.

Until… It was realistic.

For all your life, you looked at Leon Kennedy as the young, bumbling boy who tripped over his own two feet at any given opportunity, ready to make jokes at inappropriate times and constantly worked overtime to barge in when you and your best friend were hanging out. He was only two years older than you, but his personality read the same age, if not, younger. Boys will be boys…

You always knew that college would change a person, and you can’t deny that about yourself, but it was so hard to look at the people you were closest to and imagine that they, too, changed with college. Your best friend was still the same person you knew since middle school, and all those years that you knew Leon, he had never changed, until he left for college himself. You were confident in knowing that when he came back, he would be the same exact person, just… older.

You could not have been more wrong.

“These days could not go by any faster.” Your best friend whined to you over the phone, a daily routine between the two of you. “I need you home ASAP, Leon is driving me crazy. He’s being so loud.”

Yep, that sounded pretty in character for him. “I know, just five more days, and I’m home free, forever. I wish commencement wasn’t even happening at this rate, I’m wasting away here.”

You were finishing up your last days as a college senior at a school that was a thousand miles away from home. The scholarship opportunity was incredible, and you could not say no to this offer. Your best friend chose to stay local, which you inwardly criticized, but would never say to her. You knew her parents could have afforded to send her here, who needs that big of a house for a family of four anyway?!

Commencement was set to happen on Thursday, and it was currently Sunday. Your own parents had flown in to watch you walk the stage, and while you knew your best friend would have dropped everything to come as well, her school chose to hold theirs on the same exact day. Figures.

“I miss you guys. The summers I came home just weren't enough. I have to say, I’m so glad this internship bullshit is over. It feels like I haven’t ever even lived with you.”

You heard her groan on the other line. “I know! It’s so stupid. Why would a program even make it so you could only intern in the summer? Don't they know you are only in your twenties once?!”

You laughed at her remark, gazing off as you continued the conversation. Classes were over and exams were concluded, at least you had a healthy pile of books to go through to pass the time. You decided to worry about the logistics of taking them home at a later date.

There’s something so innocent about getting lost in the world of young adult romance. Some would say it makes their own lives dreary, coming to the conclusion that they could never live out these fantasies in the real world, but to you, it felt real anyways. It only made you happier. It puts some optimism in your life.

The comfy plane read you chose was about a high school girl, absolutely smitten over the five-years-older brother of her best friend. This type of thing, you thought, just seemed too… fairytale, to be real. In no world where you knew someone as a child could you grow up and think they were an object of fantasy. You tried picturing you and Leon in this situation. Never!

Admittedly, you haven’t seen Leon in like 4 years. The last time you saw him, it was right before you left for college, and your major requires summer internships which leave a very small window for home visits. You never crossed paths during those times. From what your friend tells you, he’s rarely home now, he must have migrated to a new group of friends in college and found other passions. Good for him, you thought, you wish you could say the same, but you needed the income from whatever job you landed from your internship.

He was never really a tiny boy in high school, he was of a pretty average build and rivaled some of the football players, but he was not an athletic kid. You can’t imagine him changing that much more, your best friend never talked about him like that, obviously, so, you only had to imagine after the last time you saw him.

From your own personal standpoint, it was just impossible to believe in this best friend’s brother trope. You shut the book and closed your eyes, willing the plane to start moving faster.

As soon as your plane touched down, you whipped your phone out to send a text: As soon as all this shit is put away, I’m coming straight over.

Predictably, less than three minutes later: YES!! All nighter, we’re 14 again. I have drinks in the fridge.

Willing yourself through all the pleasantries of coming home, promising other relatives you would be by in a few days when you are settled, you merely threw your suitcase down into your room before dashing out to your car, knowing the route to your best friend’s house even with your eyes closed. 

A tight, running start hug was the intro you both needed as a fresh start to the summer.

“Please tell me you are home for good now, they aren't making you do any more summer internships?”

You laughed as you followed her into the house. It felt like it’s been forever since you’ve been in this large house’s lived-in walls. “No, thank god. I’m officially done. Except for job hunting, but I’m putting that off for as long as I can get away with it.”

“Agreed.”

As you followed her up the steps to her room, snacks and drinks spilling over your arms, a loud cacophony rang out through the house, coming from the garage. “What the hell is that?” You stopped short, listening to it through the closed door.

“Wow, that’s how I really know it’s been forever since you’ve been here. I’m so used to it now. It’s a band that Leon is a part of. The ‘rents loaned out a car space in the garage.”

Wow, you thought, multiple things to dissect here. One: this has been going on for some time now, and you never knew. You didn’t blame your friend for not bringing it up, it wasn’t weird to not mention a new hobby of her brother’s. Two: Leon apparently knew how to play an instrument. You couldn’t recall anytime seeing him play anything, and he had never expressed an interest in singing, so that was difficult to digest. Three: their parents would give up a car space just for them to do this. They still had two car spaces left in there.

“God, it’s really been that long, huh? I’ll have to get him to spill all about this whenever he comes out.”

You heard a groan from in front of you on the stairs, and you hopped up to be beside her, headed to her bedroom. “If you can even catch him. He’s like a slippery snake. Plus, he’s so private, I don't know what happened to him. Anyway, you should come over tomorrow night and pregame with me and the girls, cause…” 

She droned on, and while you still had half of your brain paying attention to her, you couldn’t help but think about that sentence she just said. Leon’s different now? The slippery snake part didn’t make many waves, you weren’t surprised that a man in his mid twenties didn’t want to be bothered, but you didn’t expect a whole new personality to come out of him. What happened while he was gone? Or, what kind of epiphany did he have?

“Oh, my god, look at this, too. I totally forgot to send you this. I’m so mad you missed it!”

Your best friend shoved a phone in your face, and you took it, grateful for the mental topic switch. It was a group of four girls and five boys, your old friends, standing along a cliffside in bathing suits. You assumed this was the cliff jumping extravaganza you heard about over the phone a couple weeks ago. And, yes, you were also mad you missed it.

“This looked like so much fun, I haven't seen all of them in forever. Maybe we can convince everyone to do it again soon.” You looked up and smiled as your friend laughed. You looked back down to the photo. “Who is this?”

She leaned over you as you zoomed in on a man in the top right, his lower half covered by a girl bending forward for a photo, but you could tell he was incredibly toned. His hair was pushed back with water from the lake below, and a broad smile graced his features. You sensed familiarity, but you had never met this person before.

Your friend scoffs. “Girl, what? That’s Leon.”

“What?!” Has it really been that long since you’ve seen Leon in person? Now that you look at it again, yep, that’s definitely him, but why does he look so different? Thinking back, it wasn’t often you spent time with him around after he graduated high school and went to college. You saw him probably even less than you visited home during your college career, and honestly, it has probably been years since you’ve seen him at all. “He looks so… different.”

“Like I said, I don’t know what happened. Maybe he won’t recognize you either.” You handed her phone back to her. Maybe, you wondered, but you doubted it. Nothing about you changed at all. You woke up every day waiting for a magical overnight nose job and five month glute progress from the gym that you didn’t go to, but it never happened. 

The night carried on, the strange questions about Leon’s college whereabouts pushed to the back of your mind. It felt so good to be back home. The summer was only just getting started, and with the buzz running through your system, you couldn't feel anything except excitement.

“I’m out of water, fuckkk,” You moaned. Your friend giggled at you. 

“Go get some. And don’t fall.” If you were any more sober you would have glared at her for this, reminding you of the time you drunkenly took a tumble down her stairs, but right now, it was only a funny memory as you totally didn’t have an iron grip on the railing as you walked down.

The rest of the house was dark and quiet now. You remembered her saying her parents were somewhere else, so you hadn’t seen them at all tonight, and there was no longer heavy music coming from the garage. You instinctively turned your head that way, like it would magically start up again.

You stumbled over to the refrigerator, yanking it open and hearing all the bottles clink around on the door. It took you a second to collect your bearings, but after a few more seconds, water was located, and you let your eyes readjust to the darkness as you shut the door. A figure in the darkness made you yelp.

“Goddamnit, you scared me!” You placed a hand over your beating heart.

A deep laugh floated through the air at this, but you were still partially blinded. “Hey, you. I’m sorry, I thought you were my sister.”

Leon. 

You blinked hard a few times, willing the night vision to return, and a little bit of your drunkenness away. You took a hard look at the man in front of you, as good of a look as you could. You only saw a silhouette, a dark shirt, hair over his forehead, and he was taller than you, wider, stronger. This was not the Leon you remember from high school.

“Leon. It’s so nice to see you.” You tried your hardest to sound normal, but surely he already knew what the two of you were up to.

“Yeah, it’s been a while.” Slowly, your vision was returning, and his facial features were becoming prominent. Eyes. Mouth. Smile. “Congratulations on graduating, back home for good now?” 

“Yeah, yes. Thank god. Thank you.” You could now tell you were fumbling over your words, and suddenly wanting nothing more than to go back upstairs. “I’ll be here a lot more often now, so get used to me.” You walked around him back to the stairs, listening to that low chuckle that you got out of him. God, you really needed another drink.

The night and next day bore on with nothing too important left to remember about it, as long as you were in the confort of your home town again getting fucked up with nowhere to be, it was a great time as far as you were concerned. 

Though, despite continuing to drink that night and waking up a little unsteady the next morning, you couldn’t shake that brief encounter you had with Leon. You could barely see him in the dark, but you could already tell he looked different. His build was wider than the last time you saw it, he even looked a little taller. He had only ever been maybe an inch above you, but since he disappeared to college, it looked like he went up at least five. Or maybe you were shrinking. 

You were mad it was so dark and you were on the edge of tipsy and drunk to be able to clearly see him. You saw him in the photo of the outing at the cliffside, but you really didn't want to believe that was him. He was almost… sexy.

Which was crazy. You had never thought of Leon like that. Yes, there was some sort of novelty to having a crush on the only consistent older man in your life whom you weren’t related to, but whenever you came face to face with him, it was just normal. You felt nothing, he was just there. 

But this… this could change everything. Was he actually attractive now? God knows you weren’t the best at being normal around people who you thought were attractive, and that could make things infinitely awkward with being around your best friend so often. And your best friend, what would she even think? You can’t confide in her to tell her you might think her older brother is hot. This was all messed up. This is not how you wanted summer to start.

–

A few days had passed with no rift, and your momentary crisis left with no memory. You discovered, though, as much as you couldn’t wait for summer to roll around so you could be free of your duties, your days were much more boring than you had anticipated. With your past summer internships, you were always busy, and had one or two days a week to rest at most. But now, with the summer sun high in the sky and no requirements of you anymore, you were at a loss of anything to do other than sit by your best friend’s pool, baking in the heat.

“They’re having some start-of-summer party going on in one of the campus houses tonight, are we down?”

You didn’t move your head nor open your eyes as your friend spoke to you. “Yeah, sure. It will be more of a time than drinking with just us.”

She sighed. “You can say that again.”

You pushed yourself up off the chair. “I’ll be back, don’t drown.”

You listened to her sarcastic response as you went inside the house, needing a moment to cool down, and to refill your drink. As you slid the glass door shut, you were greeted with the sound of loud instruments, reminding you of the first night you came here once returning from school. Leon must have had his bandmates come over some time while the both of you were outside, as you don’t remember hearing this, or seeing anyone else. You ignored it, and stalked past the door, headed upstairs to the kitchen.

The music stopped, a door opened, and chatter became clearer without the barrier. You didn’t know who else Leon could have here, you didn’t know his friends, and you were suddenly too aware of the bikini you had on. Whatever, you soothed your anxiety, I look good.

“Oh, hey.” You turned around at the strange voice, not recognizing the person standing at the stairway, headed towards the kitchen. “Now it’s a party.”

“Dude, gross.” A more familiar voice followed quickly behind the quip, and Leon’s head became visible as he climbed the stairs. “Sorry.” He spoke now to you, visibly doing his best to keep eye contact with you. Now you could really feel your half-nakedness. 

“Doesn’t sound like you guys are making much progress out there.” You joked, turning your head back to where you were filling your water bottle. You heard Leon’s friend laugh, making a remark along the lines of blaming other people in the band, but you unintentionally tuned him out.

“We’re trying.” Leon was closer to you now, and when you turned, his friend had disappeared, probably into the bathroom. Leon was grabbing drinks from the fridge, and the two of you were separated by the kitchen island, sunlight illuminating both of you.

His hair was a shade darker than you remembered it being, still blonde, but almost brown. It came down to touch his ears, and the pieces of bangs on his forehead were clumped together with sweat. He had on a gray tank, the ones with the arm holes that go down to your ribcage. His arms, god, those arms–

“Doing anything fun out there?” He walked around the island, even closer to you now, getting cups from the cabinets. 

You shook your head. “Just trying to become a leather couch while I’m still young.” You fixed the top of your water bottle back on, but didn’t move from your spot, taking the chance to talk to Leon.

“That’s the spirit.” He placed the cups down on the counter and leaned on it, clearly standing around to talk to you, too. You noticed a bandage wrapped around his right hand as he crossed his arms.

“What happened there? Start scrapping with the wrong people?” 

He lifted it and looked at it, like he just realized it was there. He laughed softly. “This might sound gross, but it's just a callus that burst open the other day. Right when I was used to holding drumsticks all the time.”

You sighed a gentle laugh. “Doesn’t that hurt, still using it?”

He shook his head. “Nah, I just didn’t want to start touching shit and get it all gross again.” He set his hand back down. You took the silence to ask another question. 

“When did the drums start? That was never a thing as far as I can remember.” He looked down, slowly nodding his head, as if trying to piece together memories of what his life was like the last time he saw you.

He sighed. “I kind of picked it up during college. I thought it was a lot of fun. I knew a lot of guys at the time who were in a bunch of different bands, so they had access to all these instruments, and I tried a bunch, but the only one that stuck was drums. I guess it’s easy and I like it only because I still can’t read sheet music for the life of me.”

You smiled softly at his explanation. Looking at him in the daylight, now, you can see the old him in his features. He grew into his face, his cheekbones slightly more pronounced, and his dimpled chin fitting perfectly into his jawline. His eyes were soft, yet tired. Still the bright blue you remember them being.

“Are you any good?”

He smiled fully at this, looking back up to you. “Of course. I know it sounds like ass right now, but we’re trying out some new stuff. But, and maybe I’m just biased, I think we have some really solid potential.”

You shrugged, a grin still present on your face. “I’ll have to see it to believe it.”

Leon stood up now, grabbing the cups and the still tied together 6-pack. “I agree. We’re doing a local show next Wednesday night. I’m always inviting my sister, but she doesn’t like going alone, and the rest of your friends don’t like that bar.” You smiled at this. Sounds typical of your friends. “Maybe she will come if you will. And, uh, if you’re still with that guy, he can come, too.”

Your brow furrowed at this. “Guy?”

Leon shrugged. “Oh, well, she told me in passing that you were with some guy last summer. From around here.”

You paused to think about this, nearly forgetting your whole past trying to rake your brain for a memory. It then hit you. “Oh, shit, yeah, that was definitely just a summer thing. He was…” A douche, conceited, horrible at sex. “Not the best. I’m not seeing anybody. And definitely not while school was in. I was way too busy for that.” 

He nodded, standing up a little straighter. “Well, that’s good. And fuck that guy.” You giggled at his support. “I think you should come. I’d be happy to see you there.”

And, oddly, for the first time ever speaking with Leon, your stomach did a flip that only ever happened when you were talking to someone whom you liked. It caught you off guard, and your words caught on your throat.

You nodded quickly, using the opportunity to take a deep breath in. “Yeah, I’ll be there. I’ve got the time to, now.”

“Cool. I won’t disappoint, I promise.” With that, Leon bounded back across the room and down the stairs, opening and shutting the door to the garage. You sighed deeply. You didn’t like the feeling that was creeping up inside of you.

Putting your newfound conundrum aside for the night, you resolved to let loose and get back to enjoying the summer the way you had intended to. You were almost tempted to stick around and listen once his band got started with the music again as you were on your way outside, but decided against it, as your friend would surely be asking what took so long. 

Part of you wished Leon had gone to this little party tonight, considering he knew all of your mutual friends, but he was never the party type before this, and it seemed that college did not change that much either. It would make sense if he had a gig coming up, they must be preparing, but you didn’t picture him to be much of a perfectionist. Maybe that changed as well.

–

“Why are we going to this again?” Your friend asked as she followed you out of her house, locking the door behind her. She seemed awfully quick to keep up with you for complaining about doing something she doesn't want to.

“I don’t know, it gives us something to do. Leon asked me to come. Now you’re coming with me.”

“What? Why did Leon ask you to come? He doesn't ask me.” The two of you slid into her sleek black coupe. 

You shrugged as you fastened the belt. “I saw him the other day when I was here, I came in while we were out by the pool. We were just talking. And he said he does invite you, by the way, but you never go.”

She was the one to shrug this time. “Maybe he does. You think there will be hot men here?”

“We’re both hoping.” You half-assed the response, but you already knew the answer was yes. You could never tell her you think Leon is attractive now. You had been mulling it over the past few days, ever since you spoke to him, and you had no choice but to confirm it. He really, really grew into his body. You could even push the curiosity aside to wonder what it was about college that changed him like that, you were just thankful it happened.

Your local bar looked just as you remembered, dark and looming from the outside, people filing in and out simultaneously. It was much busier than you had ever seen it, but the show was most likely the reason for the sudden influx in customers.

The crowd was a thick mass, and you had trouble even spotting the stage when you walked in, but once you and your friend had found a nice little corner, vacant of bodies, and conveniently found a third mutual friend to stand by, the room seemed a little less stuffy.

You absentmindedly scanned the crowd, people hoarding in front of the stage, waiting to be the first to break open the mosh pit, presumably, people in the back drinking idly and chatting, almost like they don't even know a show is happening this night. You found yourself looking for Leon. He was in the building somewhere. You wished you could have told him you were there, but what good would that have done? He wouldn’t have come out to say hello, there were preparations to be had back there.

God, shut up already, you willed at yourself, annoyed at the mere fact that you couldn’t stop thinking of Leon.

Admittedly, you thought of that first scene more often than not recently. The muscle shirt, ribcage exposed, thick arms, sweet smile and bouncy cheeks with a strong jawline, the vision came to you during the day, at breakfast, while you were scrolling your phone, late at night, when the moon was your only company. 

You wondered what he would look like tonight. You were so anxious for him to step out on stage. Would he see you?

Your friend stumbled sideways into you, knocking you out of your monetary stupor. People were now starting to crowd in, hence the bump, and you were assuming the start of the set was about to happen.

On cue, the lights went darker, the roar of the crowd exploded, and people rushed on stage and took their places. Your eyes were instantly drawn to Leon, who, from what you could only see from the backlight so far, had on another muscle shirt. It made your legs feel like jelly.

The lights went on, and after a brief introduction from the front man who was holding a guitar, they started. Leon was right, they were pretty good when they weren’t rehearsing new material. You knew this wasn’t the type of music your best friend was into, but to your surprise, she was bopping away with your other mutual friend, both of them holding drinks. That’s probably why.

Turning back, you could see Leon clearly under the lights now, which were strobing in and out, flashing different colors and patterns. His hair was pushed back this time, exposing his forehead, and looking brand new. You liked the way it looked on him, it made him almost look older. Everytime a strong beam of light would shine down on him, you could see the glistening sweat on his skin, his face. He was so focused on hitting the beats, and succeeded everytime, and you were so enticed by it.

This was a side of Leon you never thought you would see. It was so clear, standing in the crowd watching, how much he belonged up there. He looked so confident, every move was made with ease, no hesitation, and you could feel yourself melting.

It was like a headrush, you didn’t think you would enjoy it this much, but clearly, every moment took your breath away. Yes, you were looking at Leon the whole time, but who could really tell?

Soon enough, the show ended, and the crowd was applauding for what felt like ten minutes as the individual members left the stage, thanked everyone, hopped down to talk to others. You were interrupted with your people-watching when your friend grabbed you by the elbow to let you know she was headed back to the bar for more drinks, and you absentmindedly nodded while you turned back.

You caught the back of Leon, dipping behind the stage into the back of the bar. The tips of your fingers tingled with… something, some emotion you couldn’t read… and you let your body take over as you weaved through the crowd, headed to the back.

People bumped you and yelled in your ears as you squeezed in between them, paying them no mind, on a mission of your own.

After a few seconds, you reached a hallway, a few people lingering by the bathrooms, and you spotted someone, you recognized him as the frontman, dipping behind another doorway, chattering loudly to people behind the wall. Times like this, you wished you had decided to down some liquid courage.

You stalked slowly over to the doorway, seeing flashes of shadow as people walked by, unsure if you should hang out or go in. Most likely, you weren’t welcome, it was probably for performers only, but you couldn’t help it, you continued inching closer, drawn in by an unseen force.

As you took another step inward, a figure rushed out and crashed right into you. 

“Oh shit, I’m sorry, bathrooms are that way if you’re looking for them, this is restricted access.” You looked up at the man you walked into, you didn’t know who it was. 

“Oh, um…” You backed up a step, and though he was making moves to walk around you, he was waiting for a response. “I was actually waiting for Leon… the drummer.” You added in the title, just in case this was a man who worked at the bar with no affiliation to the band. But, to your relief, he nodded.

“I’ll get him, just chill over there, ‘kay?”

You dumbly nodded and backed up again. The hallway was lit with fluorescents, the bright white kind, but it was still dark, with the walls and floors looking slick with condensation. You opted not to lean up against them.

“Hey, you’re still here?” A voice snapped your head back over to your left, and you saw Leon walking towards you. “You didn’t leave with the rest of them?” He must have seen your other friend there as well.

You shook your head. “They’re still here, I think. Just getting drinks.” He nodded. “I told you I would come.” You held your arms out in a here I am gesture. He laughed.

“I’m so glad. I didn’t see you while I was up there, but… I do tend to just tune everything else out when I play.”

“You did great. You were really good.” You spoke, almost breathless for no apparent reason. 

He smiled softly, his eyes holding contact with yours. “Thank you.” His hair was now starting to fall back into place on his forehead, his face was still red with exerted energy. Your eyes wandered, without your permission, his arms were shining under the hallway lights, still sweaty. You looked away, but he saw. “You look great tonight.” His voice was low, and a twist went straight down your abdomen.

You smiled back. You briefly looked down at your outfit, simply a short skirt and loose band tee. “Thank you. It’s nothing.” 

“I like it.” He looked back into your eyes, and you found yourself lost for words. He broke eye contact for a second, turned around and looked into the back room where, presumably, the rest of his bandmates were. He turned back to you. “You know,” He looked down, and took a step forward towards you, slowly, as if to test the waters. You stayed put. “It’s been so long since I saw you last. I almost didn’t recognize you the first night you were at the house.” You grinned at the memory. You were also equally stunned to not know Leon had changed so much. “Not that you weren’t before but… You’re beautiful, now.” 

Your stomach sank at his words, and with his new proximity to you, it caused you to have to look up at him. You felt a strong shiver course up your body.

“I really… I didn’t recognize you. You look so different, too.” You whispered, knowing he was close enough to hear you. “I didn’t even think it was you at first.”

He simply stared at you for a few more moments, taking in your words, and the way you looked in front of him right now. You were suddenly self conscious, but his gaze seemed to tell you that he liked whatever he saw.

“I… don’t want to back you into any corners here…” He looked down, still not meeting your eyes. “But you’re giving me a… vibe. And I’d rather fuck around and find out than never know if I don’t try.”

You stood up straighter, coming closer to meet his face, his eyes finally touching back onto yours. “What kind of vibe?” You had to say something, anything, because you could barely comprehend this situation right now. Leon was catching a vibe from you? Could he tell that you were looking at his body? Could he tell that you thought he became very sexy?

He tilted his head a little further, and his brow bone cast a shadow over his eyes, darkening them. Another shiver down your body. He shrugged. “I think I just… think you are incredibly attractive, now.” His eyes darted down your body for a quick second before resuming their previous place. “And I want to know if you want to just try it out. Just once.”

You took a quick, silent breath in. He must have been picking up your messages, even though you said nothing and only spoke to him once. Was that one conversation that powerful? Was it the hint you dropped about not being with that guy anymore? Was this something he just knew he was going to attempt as soon as he saw you? You didn’t know, and you really didn’t have the time to think it over.

You reached up and placed a hand on his chest, slowly taking the shirt on his body in your hands, pulling him closer, but with no force. His eyes darted up behind you, and he turned his head quickly one more time. He saved you the trouble, and dipped his head down and kissed you hard.

You sighed instantly, fully gripping his shirt and dragging him in closer to you, pushing your body against his as you could feel him move towards you at the same time. You were exploding, you didn’t know what to do with the rest of your body, and could only bring your other hand up to his bicep, where he then palmed your waist. He pulled back after a few seconds.

“Follow me,” His face was flushed, and when he turned around, you were very quick to follow. He maneuvered the two of you through the back room, where people still were congregating, but none of them paid much attention to the two of you. You passed by his other bandmates, and when he turned the corner, he pushed open a door, and ushered you inside. It was a bathroom. “This is the best I can do right now.”

Instead of replying, you simply grabbed his face in both hands and pulled him in. The room was dark, you could tell from under your eyelids as you felt the heat of his face on yours again, and you were at least happy for that, you weren’t too sure you wanted to see the state of the bar’s bathroom at this moment.

His hands found solace again on your waist, thumbs rubbing circles, and fingers teasing along the waistband of your skirt. Leon pressed himself further into you, sandwiching you in between him and the wall, and the stark difference in temperature between the two caused another series of shivers to run up your body.

Leon’s mouth left your lips, now wet and slick with his saliva and yours, and traced them down the length of your jaw, along your neck, nipping at the tender skin, making you sigh and arch your back, increasing the contact of your bodies. Your hands dragged along his sturdy shoulders, reaching around and locking your arms behind his neck, holding him in as he worked your neck, and as his hands started to move. You kept breathily gasping as he bit underneath your jawline, fingertips caressing your jutting hip bone, dipping lower, causing ripples to erupt in your core.

He had positioned his hands now to take purchase on the hem of your skirt, full intentions of pulling it up, when he released his lips from your neck and his face was back in front of yours. 

“Sorry that this is all we have.” His voice was low, and you almost didn't hear it over the static of the bar music softly coming in through the speakers. “We can wait if you want.”

His hand was still positioned on your clothing, and you didn’t let go of him even a little bit. You could only look up, your head already touching the wall behind you. “Where’s the thrill in that?”

Under his shadow, you saw his lips quirk up slightly, he breathed a laugh, and dove back in to kiss you. You threaded your fingers through his hair, slightly tugging, hearing him groan at the sensation. The hand that was ready to hike your skirt up did just that, and his other was gripping your thigh, lifting it higher so he could slide himself right in between. 

He made himself comfortable pressed against you, and you could feel his erection growing through his jeans, giving himself some sort of friction, and you pushed back, earning another groan through your still connected lips. You dropped one of your hands from his hair and traced down his bicep, and into the large hole of his shirt, relishing in every ridge that his ribcage and abdomen had to offer. His skin was so smooth, you knew you would never be able to get enough.

He backed away from the kiss briefly for another moment. “If I never saw you that day you came inside, half naked… in my house looking like that…” He continued to grind himself into you as he spoke, earning noises from the both of you. “Who knows how long I would have to wait?” The hand on your thigh crept upward, leaving a wake of shivers in its path. His palm was flush to your bare skin, reaching the joint of your thigh and hip, and he squeezed the flesh of your hip, digging his thumb into the sweet spot, making you squirm. You clawed at his back, you didn’t even care if it hurt him. You were sure it didn’t.

Leon hovered his mouth over yours, not connecting, but enticing you, and you could only look up at him through a foggy gaze. His hair had now fallen back over his forehead, streaked with sweat, but you hardly minded the way it was touching yours, you wanted him closer. It was impossible how, through the shadow he cast from the light behind him, you could see his blue eyes so clearly, pupils blown, the way he was looking at you made you want to drop dead.

You couldn’t wait any longer, you didn’t even have words to say back to him, you just needed to show him what you thought, how you felt, you just needed him. Your hands came around the front of his body again, not losing contact the entire way, and grasped desperately at his belt, needing to pull out his girth, needing to have his cock in your hands, mouth, in you.

You gasped, trying to form words, but his presence was so dominating, you almost couldn’t. “Leon…” You breathed, and your fingers couldn’t work the clasp fast enough. “Let me…” Finally, it slid open, you pulled the two ends of the belt apart, and made quick work to free his dick from its constraints. Your knees buckled, and you started sliding down the wall.

As you were about to hit the ground, his hands hoisted you back up from under your arms, and you could have whined, the frustration growing, the time only growing in between you getting to have him in your mouth.

“No, I’m sorry,” He grunted as he pulled you up. He put both hands under your thighs, and you gasped as he suddenly picked you up, you wrapped your arms around his neck for balance. “You’re not getting on this floor for me, we’ll save that for another time.”

Another time. Fuck, just those words alone had you melting in his grasp, his strong hands and arms holding you up, walking you around the corner of the bathroom and shutting the two of you in a stall.

“But, you already started this for me, so,” He had you pressed in between himself and the wall once again, one of his arms was still holding you up in the air, legs wrapped around his torso. He tried to separate himself as much as he could to pull his cock out, you reached down in between the two of you to help him, pulling the waistband forward so he could pull them down.

Your breath caught as he pulled it out, a solid, thick length, rock hard, and you were suddenly so mad he wouldn’t let you suck it, because, fuck you would have sucked the life out of him at just the sight of his dick. 

Once he was free, he stroked himself a couple of times, causing himself to moan, and shit, you almost did, too, and he went back to the hem of your skirt, pushing it up over your hips, exposing your small underwear. He eyed them for a moment, humming in acceptance, before sliding them sideways and exposing your aching pussy to the cool air. You, in contrast, were overheating in this bathroom, but now that you were free, it felt so nice, and it felt even better when he ran his fingers along the length, in between your folds, pressing into your clit to watch you squirm again under him.

You sighed loudly, moans slipping out with your breathing as his contact with your heat felt like heaven, your head leaned back and hit the wall, but you didn’t care, you couldn’t feel it, you felt nothing but Leon’s fingers right now.

“Fuck, you’re so wet already,” He was breathing heavily, and you choked out a whimper when he slid one of his fingers in, and it wasn’t stopped with any friction. You also couldn’t believe how wet you were, but then again, you would jump hurdles to be able to suck his dick right here and now, so it must have gotten you worked up. “You feel so good around me.” He mumbled, practically groaned out, sliding in a second finger with ease, the slick sounds becoming louder as he worked you open, and while it felt so good, you just needed him to fuck you already.

“Leon…” You kept whining, unable to say anything else, mind fading, only wrapped around the feeling of him pleasuring you, fingering you, loosening you up for him. “Please, Leon…” You moved your hips, trying to signal to him to pull his fingers out, but he resisted, his hand following the movements of your hips, only going deeper, causing you to squeal when he went as far in as he could.

“Stay still, take it…” Now he pushed himself back against you, finding your lips again and kissing passionately, trapping his fingers inside you, and when you felt them move inside of you, you couldn’t help but squirm against him. His tongue caressed your lips, the inside of your mouth, and your tongue as he was so entwined in kissing you and in fingering you to the edge, his other hand gripping relentlessly at your ass.

After what felt like forever, he backed away, strings of saliva connecting your mouths, his eyes darker than ever, and you, breathing heavily, working to regain composure. He slid his fingers out, a small hiss escaping your lips with the emptiness.

“Fuck,” He sighed, and he looked back down in between you two. He adjusted his grip on your thigh and ass as he used his now free hand to line the tip of his cock up with your entrance, you felt a throb hit the core of your pussy at the mere sight, and you instinctively tightened when he teasingly dragged the tip along your lips, not giving you what he knew you wanted.

You sighed frustratingly, and couldn’t help it but to reach down and wrap your own hand around his dick. The sudden contact made him gasp, but he caught your hand and prevented you from piloting the moment.

“Just relax…” You didn’t need to look up to hear the smile painting his face, and as much as you wanted to protest, you knew he had the upper hand. This time. “You’ll get it, just be patient.” He drew a couple more lines into you, with your hand still trapped under his on his cock, which you could feel it throb every few seconds, and he finally pushed the tip into you.

You whimpered, whole body going slack, and you drew your hand back from his dick to find closure on his shoulder, steadying yourself as he slowly pushed himself all the way in. He had to stop every other second to collect himself as well, jaw tightened, hands gripping bruises into your hips and legs, a long, deep sigh once he was bottomed out.

He brought himself closer to you, relishing in the feeling of you being wrapped around him, unmoving, and he had his face in the crook of your neck, as if to ground himself from the feeling. Your body was shaking slightly, and you could barely breathe with his weight on top of you, but it all felt so good. His skin was slick, sweat coating anywhere that wasn’t exposed to the air, and your hands drawing deep scratches into his shoulder blades.

“Fuck, fuck…” You felt Leon’s lips moving against your throat, and his breath was hot, you could tell he was desperate to move inside of you, but he was still. “You’re so tight, god…” His lips moved up to place gentle kisses along your jawline, and your head rolled to the side to give him more access. He stayed there for a second, teeth grazing your skin, and after a while you were ready for him to start moving.

You picked your head up and turned sideways, forcing him to look directly at you, wasting no time in reconnecting your lips, and, while continuing to kiss you, he slowly slid out, and pushed himself back in.

The both of you were glued to each other as he continued to thrust in and out, your hands gripping impossibly hard on his shoulders, thighs shaking, breaths choppy. His eyes never left your face, he was watching your expressions so closely, you had no control over whatever was happening to you, you could barely breathe, you were so focused on the feeling that Leon was delivering, you simply ceased to acknowledge the setting you both were in.

“God, Leon…” You choked out in between gasps, head hitting the wall over and over, trying to helplessly grind your hips into his when he thrust up, but you had no energy to move against him. He took the initiative, and every time he would plunge into you, he would stay there for a beat longer, and make sure your previously ignored clit was getting the friction it needed, which made you whine even louder.

His breaths were so heavy, spitting out ‘Fuck’, and ‘Oh, shit’, and ‘So good’ every few seconds, letting his train of thought loose as he let himself go, and lost control of the pace.

One of his hands let go of your thigh, and it landed along your chin, forcing your head down to look into his eyes. “How does that feel, hm? So hard to move in you, so tight.” His voice was a broken mess, just breaths, essentially, but it was all you needed to spur you on. 

You simply nodded, knowing the words were nowhere close to coming out right now. Even if you tried, it would be a mess of moans and gasps. You could feel him so deep inside of you, hitting that point to split you open, your pussy was endlessly wet, enough to fuel a whole round or two, and he let you know.

On another thrust, he pushed himself in and sat there for a moment, your moans spilling out without reserve, you both tensed as the unmistakable sound of the creaking door was heard.

Leon took his right hand, free from holding you up, and laced it over your mouth, silencing any sounds of pleasure that you had left in you. 

You were both stiff, eyes wide, and he had his head swung in the direction of the noise. The footsteps approached the counter and turned the sink on. If they were to walk around the corner, they would see Leon’s legs under the door, and could have easily walked in, considering he didn’t shut it all the way, it was just stopped by his body behind it.

He slowly turned his head back to face you, you couldn’t move due to the weight of his hand, and you wanted to writhe under him so bad, feeling his cock throb still deep inside of you while you both were still. Tears were practically forming in your eyes.

He locked eyes with you, and without a sound, mouthed the words Be quiet.

He kept his hand clamped over your mouth, but he slowly adjusted your position so he could slide out of you at a snail’s pace. Your eyes widened in surprise, not expecting him to move, and you used all of your remaining energy to hold yourself together, being overcome by the pleasure while also staying conscious of the person who was still at the bathroom sink. You were glad there was still music playing outside in the bar, and the sink was still running, because if it were dead silent, they definitely would have been able to hear the wet sound of Leon pulling out, and fucking back in. 

He held eye contact with you while he continued to do this, holding you so tightly to make sure nothing made any noise,and a devilish grin broke out onto his face. He was enjoying every second of this. 

He was basically getting off on the idea of pushing you to your limit, forcing you to obey what he asked you to, even if it would benefit the both of you rather than just one. If Leon were shameless enough, he could have told them to fuck off, but instead, he held you here, silenced you, yet drove you to the fucking brink just to watch you fall apart. It made you want to cum right then and there.

After what felt like ten, twenty, thirty minutes (fifteen seconds), the sink shut off, a moment of silence, and the door creaked open again. Leon took his hand off your mouth and you both sighed deeply. While holding you still, Leon leaned back to look through the door to confirm you were alone once again.

“You were barely holding it together, I thought we were going to get caught.” He said on another thrust into you, bringing your faces closer once again. You swallowed hard, instinctively choking back moans now.

“Y-you… you were making it hard…” Gasps, again, as Leon was determined to make everything he asked of you difficult.

He brought himself closer into you, and spoke lowly. “Good,” With swift moves, his free hand was around your throat, holding your head back, and he was relentlessly bouncing you up and down on his cock.

The pressure around your throat and the pressure building in your core at his movements was all overwhelming, your hands were cutting crescents into his bicep from your nails, but he hardly took notice, he was so busy moving the both of you as well as keeping an eye on your face to watch how you were responding to his movements, he was too preoccupied.

The slick sounds coming from your pussy were evidence that the situation was much more of a stimulant than you ever expected, and the sound alone brought you so close to the edge.

“I bet you loved almost getting caught.” He groaned out, his movements stuttering, and you knew he must be close as well. “I bet it was driving you crazy, having to shut up while I gave it to you. You took it so well.” Your eyes nearly rolled to the back of your head, mouth open, you wouldn’t even be surprised if you were drooling at this point, Leon had all the power now.

“Leon,” You whispered, no energy for your full voice anymore. He understood.

“Take it, baby.” He thrust harder and harder, pressing you flat against the wall, the tip of his cock hitting all the deepest points. “I’m almost there, you feel so good.”

“Fuck, Leon,” If you could grasp any harder against his arms, you just did. “Fuck, I’m so close.”

“You got it, come on, cum for me.” He pressed his forehead into yours, grinding into you on the inward thrusts, making you fall apart in his arms. A few more thrusts, grinding a few more times, and a squeeze to your throat had you gasping in a silent scream around him, panting wildly letting your orgasm loose. 

He fucked you all the way through it. “Shit, that felt so good, fuck, I’m gonna cum,” You watched him as he chased his own, sweat beads dripping down his face, his hair coated in it. His hips stuttered one more time, and as he released his seed into you, he buried his face into your neck, whimpering and biting again. 

He pulled out of you, and it wasn’t missed by either of you the way his cum dripped out of you and onto the floor. You cracked a small smile when you heard him breathe a laugh.

“I’m sure that’s not the first time this bathroom has seen that.” He looked back up at you, breathing heavily, arms shaking from holding you up. You tapped his arms, hoping your legs were strong enough to stand on your own. He lowered you slowly, making sure you were stable before letting you go.

“I hope that’s what you wanted. I might have gotten ahead of myself.” He was still standing in front of you, neither of you made moves to leave the stall. You leaned against the wall for support.

“I would have stopped you a long time ago if it wasn’t, Leon.” He smiled down at you, breaths steadying out. He nodded his head.

“Coming to the house any time soon?”

You laughed out loud this time. “I’m sleeping over this weekend.” 

He smiled wider at the sound of your laugh. He leaned in and kissed you again. “Can’t wait.”

[pedrilcvr]

Pedri where he loves his girlfriends hands in his hair no matter what!?!?!

Sweet — Pedri Gonzalez.

Pairing: Pedri Gonzalez x Fem!Reader

Summary: Pedri, who loves it when you play with his hair, finding it easiest to relax when you do.

Disclaimer/s: none, just fluff!

A/N: i need this man like no other ughhhh. i had to do this in 2 small parts because hello, what happens when he buzzed his head. Alsoooo i was listening to “sweet” by cas and had inspo to write this..

With short hair:

Pedri only regretted his buzz for one reason. He missed your fingers running through his hair, he missed falling asleep to that feeling and that alone.

Now, you’d just complain about how prickly it is. Not that you hated the cut, you honestly really liked it, but you just couldn’t play with it the way you used to.

“It feels like running my hand over toothpicks.” You’d grumble, earning a look of disbelief from your boyfriend.

“Toothpicks? Seriously?” He’d groan, lips pulling into a pout. “It cannot possibly be that bad.”

You’d shrug, crossing your arms, “hey, you chose to cut it. Not me!”

So now, a few months since the initial cut, you realized it’d grown out a bit more. Therefore, it was easier to run your fingers through.

Pedri loved to come home from practice or after an away game, to lay his head on your chest and you watched your favorite show, your hands mindlessly running through his hair.

Even when you were just passing by, he loved the way you always touched his head, whether it was a small pat or a quick run through, his lips always pulled into a small smile. He’d then pull you back, placing a soft kiss on your lips.

With longer hair:

“Pedro.” You groan, using his full name this time. He’d been moving constantly since he’d laid his head in your lap.

Pedri shifts again, moving his head to look up at you, “what?” He pouts, making a small smile grow on your lips.

“You’re moving a lot.” You point out, glancing at Nilo, who’d grown so quickly, you forget he was only a little puppy a 6 months ago. “Tell your dad to stop moving.”

Nilo lets out a bark, making the both of you chuckle. “Sorry!” Pedri puts his hands up in defense.

Moving your hand from the black lab’s soft fur, you place it in pedri’s, running your hand through his soft black locks. Instantly, you notice your boyfriend’s whole body relax. A smirk grows on your face as you pull your hand away curiously.

It only takes a few moments for Pedri to grow restless again, so you repeat the actions a few more times, watching his face scrunch in annoyance over and over.

“Cariño.” Pedri whines, looking up at you with a less than scary glare. One that amuses you greatly.

“Yes, my love?” You hum, fingers stroking his cheek softly.

“Please don’t stop.” He grumbles, shifting to get comfortable before taking your hand back to his hair.

You giggle then, leaning down to place a short kiss to his forehead, “okay, you big baby.”

(DTS) @halfwayhearted ^_^

[thenameisgul]

I have some thoughts about this one particular moment

I have never, NEVER seen so much emotion and depth just poured into one little sentence.

What makes it so devastating is when you realize this is a child, who was born into a world so dangerous, he had to grow up too fast (literally) and he’s meeting the man he chose to be his father for THE FIRST TIME.

How do you miss someone you’ve never met before?

Simple, when all you’ve experienced since the moment of your birth, is hostility, contempt and suspicion. All jack has at this point is two men, one wants to kill him. The other wants to use him (albeit a bit more kindly than the first). He doesn’t know what he wants in the world but he knows what he doesn’t want and it’s everything he’s getting from the Winchesters. So he misses the only two people in the world who ever loved him. He can’t have his mom, so he misses Castiel because he misses being ‘SAFE’. And safe is what Cas made him feel before he was even born.

I will never get over how soft and utterly relieved but at the same time TIRED Jack sounds in this moment. To finally have someone in his corner. To watch his back. So he doesn’t have to always be on guard anymore. And I can relate with that. I do relate with that. And that’s why this moment always makes me cry. Cas and Jack deserved to go some place far away and should’ve got to live in a lakeside cabin in southern France and been a family.

[perseruna]

heyyyy do you have any details/sources for the ca*ill being a jackass thing? ngl i watch twn for yen and jaskier so i was already planning on continuing to season 4 but i'd love some reasons to be actively excited for the actor switch. but i haven't kept up on the behind-the-scenes stuff so i'm kinda lost on that front if you're up for sharing any of what you know!

okay guys buckle up this is THE anti henry cavill megathread xoxo

First of all him dating a teenager as a 33 year old fully grown man literally gross and disgusting.

Also as this quote implies they started dating a year prior and only went public when she was 19 so they supposedly started dating when she was 18.

His entire dating history is a MESS. Sure the women he dated are not him, but he chose to date them, I wouldn't even associate myself with people like these let alone be in a relationship with them. He dated the infamous transphobic TERF Gina Carano, albeit before her loud controversy, but I doubt her harmful views were any different back then. His current gf has a history of doing black face.

His "Me Too" comments.

His comments on the Me Too movement are literally so vile. If you don’t want to be called a rapist, just don’t rape women, it’s literally as simple as that. They’re even more foul because they’re promoting the idea that women lie about their abusive for fame, promoting that harmful rhetoric especially in our times is incredibly dangerous.

Now onto his on set behavior.

We can't talk about his set behavior without mentioning the deuxmoi set leak. Here's the transcript of it:

[Transcript:

There’s something I really really wanted to read to you guys--it has to do with why Henry Cavill left The Witcher. I know that was something that you guys were super interested in when it happened, and I just recently got this message. Somebody was like “Hey, do you want to know what really went down?” And I was like “Sure!” So let me just read it. It says:

“At the beginning of the show, Henry was good to work with. A lot of difficult demands that made people feel like he wasn’t a team player, but that’s not unusual for a really big star. Though in TV it truly usually doesn’t happen until the second season. But in season two and three something shifted and he became really impossible for women to work with, which is always a big problem, but even worse here because the showrunner is a woman. He would try to overrule her and try to get changes made last minute across the board without her knowledge, which, if you know anything about showrunning, is completely fucked. The showrunner has to sign off on every miniscule detail down to the buttons on a costume. Female writers and directors were suddenly being completely ignored on set, unable to do their jobs. Every department head was complaining. He started making comments—it wasn’t a sexual thing, he wasn’t grabbing anyone or being lewd, but it was disrespectful and toxic all the same.

“He is deeply addicted to video games, to the point where it was like working with any other addict. He was distracted, he was late, he was obsessive, and a lot of people think the misogyny came from gamer world. Video game bro language is not how you talk to coworkers, and he wouldn’t stop. Someone on the show compared it to watching someone get brainwashed by QAnon, like his whole personality shifted. Eventually his disrespect escalated. He would rewrite scenes without even alerting the other actors in the scenes until it was time to shoot. He decided that he didn’t want any romantic scenes at all—no kissing scenes, no shirtless scenes, et cetera. He wanted complete control of storylines but really had no idea of the limitations of TV, structure, budget, et cetera. He formed a weird alliance with one writer who was also a gamer, who eventually got fired after multiple HR complaints were made and after that writer left, Henry did anything he could to hold up production and cause problems.

“Eventually top brass at Netflix was tired of him costing them money with delays and HR investigations and the showrunner was asked to construct a potential exit for him. Netflix reached out to him personally and he was given one final warning, and violated that warning with an email he sent to the entire writing staff right after that meeting. That was it. It’s very disappointing.”

End transcript.]

Now believe me or not, but I know from a really good source that the leak was indeed real.

There's a lot of patterned behavior that tracks with what we know of him and his past controversies.

After that leak came out, there was a lot of people from different places coming to comment that ‘yes’ they’ve heard a very similar story adding a little bit more details of their own.

this quickly deleted tweet from one of the writers/producers:

there were rumors about him being an asshole to Anya specifically.

He went on record that he doesn't "understand" sex scenes. Which I know the sex discourse is rampant nowadays and each to their own, but he specifically signed up for a role that requires those scenes and then refused to do them and was allegedly nasty to Anya about it and with the way he talks about women...

Also it’s important to touch upon the “writer he had a weird alliance with” that man in question is Beau DeMayo of the recent fame of getting fired by Marvel from X-Men ‘97. He was previously allegedly fired from The Witcher for being emotionally and physically abusive. And he allegedly got fired from X-Men for being abusive as well. One of The Witcher writers tweeted this after Beau smeared them for “disliking the books” Beau was literally the first person to start that narrative.

The fact that it was HIS idea not to say lines of his dialogue in S1 and instead grunt. To the point that Joey had to take Henry’s lines and make it his own, so the plot would make sense, he talks about it in this interview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=Oyh0t117t0U&, and then once S2 press arrived Henry was talking about how he was trying to fight the big bad writers to give him more lines. Ridiculous.

Everyone is already pointing out that the cast looks so much happier without him, and it’s very true. Henry was never present on close to any BTS pics from filming the previous seasons, or on any cast dinners or birthdays. He wouldn't even do any shared interviews with the other three mains but only had solo interviews which to me was giving disrespectful like you're an ensemble you’re not the only lead here. It felt like he was above them to sit down and answer questions with them. When they were doing press junkets in Brazil and Poland Anya, Joey and Freya would always arrive together and leave together with that man leaving all the events early and by himself. And like people who post quotes from the cast about him being perfect from press junkets as “proof” are insane to me like Obviously they’re going to say nice things about him, not only they're newcomers, and he's an established industry name, but they’re doing PRESS for a show that he’s a STAR of (well, was lmao)

The fact that he never defended Anya from the racist trolls, even though most of them were HIS fans. Like she had to go through so much and that man couldn’t make a single comment about it as a leading man BUT he could make a whole IG post because people were being mean to his gf and calling her out for doing blackface.

And sure people might say that a lot of these are unverified sources, and I’d get it if it was a singular case, but there are a ton of these accounts that all match each other. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

[kittenlittle24]

Fortnight part 2

As usual GIFs aren’t not mine, comments, likes and reblogs are appreciated

Part 1

Masterlist

The sound of the front door opening and closing echoed softly through the walls to where he sat on your side of the bed before he heard the footsteps reaching the bedroom.

He looked up to see Wilson in the doorway with a brand-new bottle of bourbon. He sighed and looked up at the ceiling, “No lecture on how I screwed up?”

Placing the bottle on House’s bedside table and sitting against the bed frame and crossing his legs on the bed.

“Figured you know that by now. Did she say why she left?”

House picked up the letter and handed it to him silently instead of answering and in response, Wilson picked up the bottle and gave it to House.

Unscrewing the lid he tipped it in a cheers gesture before raising it to his lips and taking a long sip.

After reading the paper Wilson reached for the bottle himself before handing both back.

“What are you going to do?”

Reading it again himself before folding the letter and placing it in his pocket.

He shook the bottle in Wilson’s face and proceeded to drink.

Wilson sighed softly, even though he could admit that the situation was a mess. He knew that his friend never fully recovered from his relationship with the lawyer. He also knew that he did truly love you.

House was a troubled person who wouldn’t allow himself to feel happiness yet he did let his guard down when it came to you.

You were everything that he could wish for, you understood that he was in pain and that made him a harder person and you didn’t expect him to change, you never commented on the Vicodin, instead tried to help as much as possible with rubs, baths, heated water bottles and anything else that you could think of. You loved him, more than that, you accepted him.

Leaving Gregory House was the most difficult and painful decision you ever made. You knew about the history he shared with Stacy, you knew that underneath the anger and betrayal that he felt when she chose to get him that surgery and then left him later on he still loved her and wanted her.

He told you that Cuddy asked him before hiring her and he agreed because he was with you and she was married. You wished he wouldn’t have agreed, so much heartache would’ve been spared.

Since you left and House figured there was nothing he could do considering he had no idea where you left to, as well as has too much pride to try and call you to apologize, he figured he should make the most out of the situation and have fun.

Which of course meant screw with Mark, Stacy’s husband.

It took him some time to exhaust her, but he succeeded, she kissed him when they were stuck in Baltimore together and slept together when they came back.

However, one thing he didn’t account for. That getting back together with Stacy wouldn’t change a single thing. He didn’t feel any better after sleeping with her; in fact, might have made him feel even worse.

He stopped on the way to the hospital to buy himself a cup of coffee. He had just paid and was waiting for his name to be called when he saw your back. He rushed after you as fast as he could, his heart rate rose the closer he got. He grasped your bicep and had to swallow hard when the woman who turned wasn’t you.

“Thought you were someone else.” He stammered quietly in apology.

The woman shrugged and smiled, “I have one of those faces.” She replied before she walked away and left him staring after her.

He entered Stacy’s office, closing the door behind him. She told him she was going to tell Mark and divorce him. He stopped her and asked her not to leave her husband for him. He explained how they’ll be happy at first but it won’t last, that people don’t change, and he hasn’t changed. Turning he left and headed straight to Wilson’s office.

He, per usual, barged open, not caring if his friend was busy or not.

“I need your help getting y/n back.”

Wilson grabbed his coat and stood up with a grin, “Finally.”

Wilson brought the car around the hospital entrance to pick House up, “Any idea where she might be?”

“Unless she moved in order to cut all ties, she’s probably in her apartment.”

Nodding, he pressed the gas and headed to the address his friend gave.

Putting the car in park, they both quietly stared at the building’s entrance.

Taking a deep breath, House grabbed his cane before leaving the vehicle. He walked up the cement steps to the building’s door, his hand levitating over the intercom, not certain if to ring or not.

The choice was made for him when a person came out of the building and held the door open for him. He nodded a thanks before making his way inside.

He raised his hand to knock on the apartment door. A man, your brother he recognized from pictures, greeted him.

Looking very uncomfortable and moving his spot House introduced himself.

He saw you come behind your brother to see who’s at the door but instead of replying and before House had a chance to understand what’s happening, a fist connected with his nose and House staggered backward and fell straight on his ass.

Rushing forward you pushed your brother back and kneeled next to your ex-boyfriend. You cupped his cheeks and turned his face to assess the damage.

“It’s fine,” he whispered and avoided making eye contact as he got up.

You picked up his cane and handed it to him, “Do you want to come in?”

He scratched his stubble before rubbing his neck, “Wilson is waiting for me.”

Cocking her head, “Come inside and ice that.” You told him, leaving no room for argument.

Hesitantly he crossed the doorway behind you. You asked your brother to leave you guys alone which he grudgingly did.

Leading him to the kitchen, he sat down and waited silently while you gathered some ice and wrapped a towel around it. Grabbing a chair and pulling it to sit in front of him, gently you placed the cool cloth against the forming bruise. A muscle twitched in his jaw at the contact with the cold material.

“I’m sorry he did that. There’s no justification.”

Looking anywhere but at you, he took the towel from your hand, “It’s fine.”

Sighing, you sat back in the chair and stared at him.

“I was an idiot.”

Your brows drew together, you crossed your legs and placed your hands on top of your knee, “You didn’t do anything.”

Slamming the drenched by now fabric from the melted ice on the table, “That’s the point. I didn’t stop you from leaving.”

You drew your bottom lip between your teeth, nibbling on it.

“I hated seeing Stacy happy with Mark, but I don’t love her.”

Shaking your head, “Everybody lies, Greg, right?”

Rubbing his hand down his face and nodded once, “The truth is, yes I kissed her. And yes, I slept with her.”

“Why are you telling me this?” You asked quietly, fiddling with a bracelet that he once gave you.

“Because I need you to understand that I don’t want her, I want you, I love you!”

Wrapping your arms around yourself, “That’s not enough, Greg.” You whispered sadly.

Blowing an exasperated breath he stood up and rubbed his forehead.

You stared at your shoes and silence fell in the room.

“Move in.” He muttered as he turned sharply to look at you.

His words made your gaze shoot up to meet his.

“You can’t do this.” He almost begged.

Uncrossing your legs and turning to face him completely, your eyebrows scrunched together, “Can’t do what?”

“You can’t call us quits. I choose us. You. I choose you.”

Rising from your seat, you stepped up to him and adjusted the lapels of his jacket, a small smile played on her lips.

His eyes danced across her face, he slowly reached to tucked a lock of hair behind your ear.

“Gregory House, you are such a pain in my ass.”

Letting out a smile back, he cupped your cheeks and pulled you into a deep kiss.

Pulling back, you giggled, “Isn’t Wilson still waiting for you outside?”

Licking his lips, eyes still closed, he hummed, “He doesn’t matter right now.” He answered before kissing you again.

[mothhball]

II – VIRIDIS

viridis – marked by youthful vigor

JONATHAN CRANE X FEM!READER

summary Drinking your woes away was a temporary solution, and it ends up in tears. But even in the darkest night, there's the chance of a silver lining. Just be sure you're well-informed about your shiny spark of hope.

warnings NEEDLES, BLOOD SAMPLE, very mild medfet (a whisper for now), alcohol, reader gets drunk, some mildly foul language, unhappy relationship,

notes oooo longer chapter! and things are MOVING

! MINORS DNI !

story masterlist • main masterlist • taglist • kofi word count: 5.2k

The news themselves were already bad, but even worse was the pity from everyone you told about the rejection. Behind every sympathetic smile and half-hug was a hidden “I told you so” that no one said out loud, but was obvious enough.

Despite what people told you, apparently no one had believed that you could make it in the first place, and that realization caused a rage to burn and fester within your guts. A rage which found no outlet since that wretched Thursday that you since then blacked out with a fat sharpie from your calendar. Reading that letter felt like repeatedly getting hit over the head with a steel pipe, beating you into a pathetic, bloody pulp right where you were standing in your kitchen. Your boyfriend tried to rub your back, but you bristled and immediately turned away from him, scowling like it was him specifically who sent the rejection. His little pout disgusted you. But what made you actually nauseous was the relief in his eyes. Never once, in 3 years of this relationship, did you resent him like you did on that Thursday afternoon. Bitter, seething resentment which almost caused you to lash out at him like a riled-up dog.

But instead, you chose to take the high road. Or rather you fled, left the apartment and drove over to your best friend Mina’s to cry and shout into one of her lovely couch pillows. The smart, admirable choice would’ve been to write an email to Potomac. To timidly ask Dr. Rabin to turn a blind eye and allow you to send in a late application. But every time your fingers hovered over the keys of your old, ratty laptop, the embarrassment was too much, and you slammed it shut once more, leaving the unfinished request behind. But your boyfriend Tristan, in his seemingly endless quest of half-heartedly trying to manage your future, urged you to send the email. So, you did. At least that’s what you told him. A little white lie to let him keep his peace of mind. 

Your mood only got worse towards the weekend, prompting a few of your friends and your boyfriend to drag you off to do the responsible thing. Get drunk and shake off the tension during a night out. And now here you are, downing shots on a Saturday night in an attempt to forget your woes at least for a little while.

The club is packed and stuffy, and the lights flicker over a mass of people that seems to have grown into one hive mind of an entity, allowing you to feel swallowed and anonymous for just a few blissful hours. Every mouthful of alcohol that you swallow works in your favor to numb the anxiety gnawing at your bones while the bass gently licks at your feverish skin, causing your heart to vibrate in your ribcage. It’s easy to lose yourself in sips of colorful shots and cocktails. At least until a firm hand on your shoulder prevents you from placing another order. Turning your head, you’re met by Tristan’s disgruntled eyes, and before you can shake off his grip, he’s already pulling you away from the bar to a relatively quiet spot in another hallway of the club. Still, he has to raise his voice when he speaks to you, already laying the foundation for a screaming match.

“What are you doing??” he asks, giving you a once over that only serves to further sour his mood.

“What do you mean? I’m just having a couple of drinks,” you slur back at him, returning that nasty look he’s sending you. Tristan scoffs, shaking his head like you’re a lost cause, even though he’s not exactly sober either.

“You’re getting wasted. Are you still sulking over that rejection? Jesus…”

That actually makes your jaw drop, and you’re speechless for a few seconds, which your boyfriend takes as his cue to continue.

“Just let it go. Some things aren’t meant to be. It’s better this way”

“What the hell do you mean by that?” you hiss back at him, curling your fingers tightly into the fabric of the little dress you’re wearing.

“I… Listen, we both know Arkham isn’t… your style. You… you’re not that kind of person –“ Tristan sighs, somehow trying to make his statement seem less insulting and vague by waving his hands around in your face.

“The kind of person to what??”

“The kind of person who’d make it there! You would’ve quit after two weeks! Let’s be real for once. And then you’d have to start over again and you would have to wait yet another semester to graduate!” Every word that leaves his mouth pisses you off even more, and a truly ugly emotion rears its head within you. Things are escalating. You still have half a mind to realize it. You should call it a night, go home and talk things out in the morning. But this is the first time that Tristan is being brutally honest about your career choices.

“Oh, I didn’t know it was a race, Tristan! How silly of me! I’ll make sure to plan every future decision around your life schedule from now on!” You get in his face, venom dripping off of every shouted syllable that slips from your tongue a little too easily.

“You’re putting words in my mouth! I never said I wanted you to plan your life around me! I’m just worried! All of my friend’s girlfriends –“

“So that’s what this is about? The girlfriends of your little business school friend group?? Am I part of some weird dick measuring contest?” You continue before he gets a word in, asking a question that’s been burning in your throat for a few months now.

“Are you ashamed of me??”

You’re met with silence. Silence that’s so obviously an answer in itself that it causes your heart to slip out of your chest and shatter on the sticky floor below. Tristan notices the devastated expression on your face, but his drunken audacity eggs him on to double down. 

“I wouldn’t have to be if you just acted like an adult! You can’t always get what you want! For fuck’s sake, just be happy with what you have for once!” You wish you had a drink you could throw in his face. But your hands are empty, shaking with anger and disappointment. You can’t look at him anymore.

“Screw you, Tristan.” And with that, you turn, leaving him standing there while you rush to find an exit as tears well up in your eyes. He doesn’t make a move to follow you, and it simultaneously calms and saddens you even more. 

Navigating the club is even more complicated with your blurred vision, and you bump into a few people, no doubt spilling a few overpriced drinks in the process. But you’re either too fast or they’re too drunk to really do anything about it.

Finally, finally, you make it outside, choking out a strangled noise that’s a pathetic mix between a sob and a whine, and you quickly duck into a nearby alley to give way to the tears. You’re drunk and overly emotional, you try to rationalize with yourself, but it doesn’t lessen the ache in any way. So, pressing a palm over your mouth, you reluctantly allow yourself to cry. The night air is icy, but fresh enough to comfort you and slowly clear up the lump in your throat, and after some cathartic five minutes, you start to calm down again. Your tears run black at this point, dragging your favorite mascara down your cheeks, and you sniffle as you into your purse to grab a compact mirror and assess the damage. 

It's in that moment when your phone display lights up, alerting you to an incoming call. Your stomach twists into knots as you fish the phone out of your purse. A call from Tristan might make things worse, and you’re not really in the mood to talk to him right now, so – 

But the call isn’t coming from your boyfriend. Your eyes widen before they narrow into slits, and annoyance bubbles up within your chest. There on the phone display, proudly displayed as the caller ID is Dr. Jonathan Crane’s name. Your thumb hovers over the glass before you decide to pick up the call. As soon as you hear his voice, annoyance gives way to a little spark of hope. It also serves to sober you up a little. You barely have time to rasp out a “Hello?” before he speaks, sounding almost relieved that you picked up.

“I know that calling at such a late hour is quite unusual, but I’m glad I could get ahold of you before it was too late. Believe me, I was just as surprised as you most likely were. To be frank, I was so certain that you'd be joining us that I didn't even check the list to confirm it.” Papers rustle on his end of the line. He must still be in his office.

“Yeah, I… I was optimistic as well. Maybe… Maybe a little too much,” you admit softly, trying to concentrate on your words to avoid slurring. Crane hums, and you can’t tell if it’s in understanding or amusement. Reading him in person was already hard enough, but it’s nigh impossible over the phone.

“Tell you what, I believe you dodged a bullet. I clarified with the other staff members what the responsibilities of those interns will be, and that wouldn’t be right for you. Sorting files and sitting in on group therapy sessions at the Low Security Wing? No, that would be a waste of your time. You’re not that kind of person. Which is why I’m offering you something else.”

You lick your dry lips, still tasting the salt of your tears and some last traces of your lipstick. For a second, you’re unsure if you heard him correctly. “Something else?”

Crane glosses over your question, and in your mind you understand. This might be sensitive information. Drunk-You feels a little like a spy, keeping a secret from Tristan who would surely be mad that you’re even talking to the director of Arkham Asylum right now.

“Are you free to come in tomorrow? I know it’s quite late already –“

“Yes. Yes, I am,” you interrupt, feeling brave. 

“Good. Then let’s meet in my office at… let’s say… 10 am? Is that alright?”

“I… uh, absolutely.” You quickly rummage through your purse, using a lip liner and an old receipt to haphazardly write down the appointment. “I’ll be there.”

“Perfect. Enjoy the rest of your night,” he says before he hangs up right after. You have no chance to say goodbye properly as the line clicks. Maybe it’s for the best. Knowing yourself, you would’ve wished him a great night as well with the addition of a plea to “get home safe”, which would’ve been a little much.

When you head back inside, you’re spotted by your worried friends and an indifferent Tristan, and dear GOD, the urge to boast and gloat has never been this strong before in your life. But you stay quiet as you put on a smile, avoiding to look at your boyfriend. You stay quiet as your group gets into a taxi, and stay quiet as you get back home and head straight for your bed. “You’re not that kind of person” was something you heard twice in one night. And only once did it feel right.

The pounding ache in your skull serves as your alarm clock the next day, tearing you out of a restless sleep only 10 minutes before you were supposed to get up anyway. A frown finds its way onto your features as you tiptoe out of the bedroom, catching a glimpse of the still sleeping Tristan on the couch in the living room. Neither of you have said a word to each other since the fight, and you'll be damned if you start the conversation about something he messed up in the first place.

You walk past him, feeling the cold surface of the floorboards beneath your feet as you head into the bathroom to try to make yourself look (and smell) presentable. The stench of alcohol leaves your tongue after brushing and rinsing with mouthwash thrice, and an overindulgence of body wash in the shower solves everything else. The final touch is a generous amount of concealer under your eyes, and you're surprised that you actually pass off as someone who doesn't have an awful hangover right now.

Getting dressed is another challenge, though. You can't exactly say that Drunk-You had the gift of foresight to pick a suitable outfit for your second meeting with Dr. Crane, so you dig through your closet to make yourself look presentable. Your fingers wander over the different fabrics, tracing cotton and polyester, wool and tweed as you grumble to yourself. Christ, this shouldn’t feel like rocket science.

This dreadful indecisiveness eats up a sizeable chunk of your time, and as you button up your blouse, you realize how late it suddenly is.

Breakfast consists of an aspirin and a large black coffee, and you make sure to let the coffee machine shriek as loudly as it wants just to spite Tristan a little more before you rush out of the apartment. 

This time around, the drive to Arkham Asylum feels a little more familiar. You still depend heavily on your GPS, but you remember some of the turns and streets, and you don’t feel as tiny and insignificant as you did a week ago. You’re here with an explicit purpose now. Crane knows who you are and asked you to come back nevertheless.

Upon entering the still intimidating building, you stop by the reception again, spotting a familiar face. The receptionist seems just as surprised to see you, sharp eyes flicking down to a visitor's list that seems to confirm the validity of your return before she points a manicured nail towards the security check. You raise your hand to wave at her as you pass. She doesn't wave back. Oh well, you can't get them all.

The maze of a third-floor feels straightforward as well today, made possible by the ever-present red lines guiding you to your destination. This time, you're able to meet Crane in his office, and his request to enter can be heard through the door after the first knock.

Everything still looks the same as you enter, save for his now orderly desk. The chaos of files from back then is now a neat stack that the doctor rests his folded hands atop. You open your mouth to greet him, but Crane speaks first, completely catching you off-guard.

"The bunny is back. I'm glad to see it."

"Excuse me?" You blink at him before you look down at yourself. No, no bunny-themed clothes or accessories anywhere that might have given him the idea to call you that. You’re drawing a blank. Unsure whether this is part of a hazing process or an inside joke you must’ve missed, you lift your gaze back up to him. There’s a fleeting look of sardonic amusement on his face before he reels himself back in to elaborate.

“That's what you reminded me of the first time you came here. Glancing around, all skittish and frightened in the hallway…” he explains, already turning his head away from you to reach into one of his desk drawers and retrieve a folder. Your folder. “Please, close the door and take a seat. We’re already running low on time.”

After following his instructions, you find yourself sitting in the same chair from a week ago, foregoing the act of presenting yourself as a confident person. It’s no use, anyway. Crane already knows you’re desperate. It’s seeping out of your every pore, giving your worries a rich and sweet taste that the director of Arkham seems to indulge in for a moment. At least, that’s what you assume based on the expression in his cold eyes. You’re no fool. It’s basically a guarantee that his offer will bite you in the ass in some way or another. 

“You must be a little put-off by this meeting. It’s not exactly orthodox to ask you to come in on a Sunday, but I read the list of this year’s interns just minutes before I called you last night. And that was purely by chance. Like I said, I was positive you’d be one of them.” Crane opens your folder, but his eyes stay on your face. “I have no idea what goes on in the heads of my staff sometimes, and now I’m fairly certain it can’t be much. But I don’t intend to waste a person like you.”

You shift in your seat, listening intently to every word that leaves his lips. It’s your lifeline. And he knows it.

“So, I am making you an offer. Just promise to listen first,” he says, and one of his eyebrows twitches upwards at the intensity in your gaze. “The position I’m offering you would be exclusive. It won’t be approved by anyone else but me and it technically didn’t exist before I made up my mind about it. I am offering you the position of intern assistant.”

Your eyes widen. Even in his darkroom of an office, it feels like the air just became lighter and the colors brighter. Crane lifts a finger, continuing his offer.

“No surface scratching – You’d be my shadow. Which means more work and responsibilities, but also more privileges, more insight, more knowledge. I’ll teach you what you need to know to get ahead in this field, and by the end of it, your fellow students will eat your dust. Your professors as well, if I’m being honest.”

Before you can even respond, he’s already reaching back into his desk, pulling out a massive stack of paperwork. And then the rushing begins. Crane checks his watch, clicking his tongue before he pushes the documents over to you, along with a fountain pen.

“How long would it take you to read this? I have to hand this in within the next 50 minutes to make sure you’re cleared in time. If you even accept my offer, that is. It’s a terrible time crunch, I know, but I’d really like to have you as a member of staff in one week.”

Tentatively, you reach out for the fountain pen, twirling it around in your fingers for a moment as you think about his offer. This hesitancy only causes him to lean forward and flip through the first pages, pointing out a handful of sections for only a few seconds each before he moves on.

“It’s the regular stuff, I guess. Everything I just told you in cumbersome wording. I really wish I could take my time and go through each page with you, but the circumstances just won’t allow it. If you have any questions, I’ll gladly answer all of them once you’ve signed.”

It’s shady as hell. A red flag that’s so glaringly obvious that it makes you wonder how Crane can keep a straight expression. But this is your one chance of getting a look behind the scenes. Your one chance of proving them wrong. Professor Campbell, Tristan, everyone who doubted you could do it. This could go horribly wrong. But it could also be your ticket into the big leagues. Shadowing the asylum’s director would be a privilege that no one else gets. A chance to make connections and grow. Not to mention that your résumé would look incredible with Crane’s recommendation attached to it.

Hell, he may be exploiting you, but who says you can’t exploit him right back? It’s your good right to milk this opportunity as much as you can.

Meanwhile, the psychiatrist continues to ramble on, rattling off half-apologies and made-up reasons why you have to sign as quickly as possible once he reaches the last page of the contract. The page where you have to place your signature on the intended line. Both of you are surprised by how quickly you sign it. 

As you place the cap back onto the fountain pen, it feels like the air has been sucked out of the room, creating a vacuum in which both of you seem to grapple with the reality that you’d be stuck to Dr. Crane’s side for a few months, following every step and instruction of his. You manage to break the silence first.

“There. I have questions now.”

“Of course. I already expected as much,” Crane says as he pulls the freshly signed contract back to his side of the desk, staring down at your signature as if he’s half expecting it to jump off the paper. But then he places the thick document back into the drawer it came from, letting out a quiet breath. You notice that he seems significantly more at ease now, movements once again patient and effortlessly measured, and your brows furrow a little as you speak.

“What’s my hourly rate?”

“There’s nothing of the sort, I’m afraid.” Your blood runs cold at his nonchalance, and your lips part to protest when he cuts you off. “You will be working the same hours as me. And since my overtime and schedule is a little unpredictable at times, we will just have to see. You will be paid at the end of the month, however. The amount will depend on how much we actually did.”

“I… alright.” You bite your tongue, even though your displeasure is obvious. Nevertheless, you proceed with your second question. “You mentioned more responsibilities. I guess there’s a catch, then? Or a few?”

Crane chuckles, getting up from his chair to walk over to a cabinet in search of something specific. He speaks to you from over his shoulder.

“Right to the point. Wonderful. But yes, there are a few peculiarities that come with the position. Starting with – You’re not afraid of needles, are you?”

He closes the cabinet, returning to the desk with a little tray containing various items.

“We’ll start with a mandatory blood sample. I hope this isn’t a problem. I just need to know that my assistant is in peak condition. And didn’t smoke anything on the way here.”

You want to scoff, but swallow the sound at the last second. The fact that you took offense to his unspoken accusation is written across your face, and Crane doesn’t comment any further on it as he sets the tray down on the desk and pulls his chair closer to yours.

“I’m fine with needles,” you murmur, already pulling up your sleeve.

“No trypanophobia? A shame,” Crane chuckles, sitting down again before he reaches out for your arm. Your doubts whether he’s even qualified to do this as a psychiatrist vanish the moment his hands come in contact with your skin. He’s cold. Almost uncomfortably cold as his fingers brush over the bend of your elbow in search of a suitable vein. Once he’s successful, he picks a tourniquet from the tray of equipment and fastens it around your upper arm. His movements seem too perfect to be experienced. As if he’s a green med student working with the textbook perched on his lap. As if he’d burst into flame if he did something wrong.

“So, about the catch,” he continues, grabbing a bottle of disinfectant and spraying it over the spot he picked on your arm. Surprisingly, the liquid isn’t much colder than his touch. “Since you’ll be my shadow, you’re also required to accompany me to appointments outside of Arkham. Conferences, meetings… so on and so forth. I also have some upcoming court dates within the next few months. Obviously, I’m not the defendant. I’m just an advisor.”

You nod along to his words, eyes following his hands as he rubs disinfectant into his own skin before he pulls on a pair of blue nitrile gloves. Crane stretches the material over his hands until it’s taut, making it squeak before he shifts closer until his knees touch yours. At this proximity, you can smell his cologne, and the combination throws you off a little. It’s mainly sandalwood and bergamot, but there’s a hint of something else you can’t quite grasp. Something chemical, almost acidic. The psychiatrist continues to speak, pulling you out of your thoughts.

“Another catch is that there’s a required dress code for you. As my assistant, you need to always look presentable. You can’t be running around looking like a hobo since your actions and appearance will reflect on me as well. And I’d rather not be associated with… any of those cheap trends that seem to be popular with the bottom of the barrel nowadays. You’ll have to give me your clothing size so I can prepare a new wardrobe for you. It’ll just save us time in the long run.”

Your brows furrow, but his request seems reasonable. “Alright. I suppose that’s fair,” you say, watching closely as he runs his thumb over the bend of your elbow. Then, he presses down to anchor the vein. It’s right in this moment when he decides to drop another bombshell.

“Which brings me to probably the biggest drawback in all of this.”

Your eyes flicker up to meet his. He’s already looking at your face, watching for the slightest twitch in your expression.

“You’ll have to stay at my place for the duration of your internship.”

What follows is a solid minute of deafening silence. Your pulse races, thumping softly against the pad of Crane’s thumb. He can tell you’re displeased, and he frowns a little, surprisingly empathetic.

“What?” you manage to croak out, swallowing dryly.

“Believe me, I spent all night trying to come up with a better solution. Sometimes, I get emergency calls in the middle of the night and it’s vital that you’re there with me. Those cases are the real deal. They’re raw and unfiltered, often much more than incidents that happen during the day. And as you told me during your interview, you live quite far away from here.”

You nod stiffly, gaze dropping to where he’s still pressing his thumb down on your arm. Crane can see and feel how uneasy this condition makes you, and he tries to lessen the blow.

“You’ll have your own bathroom and bedroom, of course. We will only share the kitchen and living room. And the laundry room, but I suppose that is the least of your worries. I won’t bother you.”

When he sees that you’re still not too happy, he quickly adds, “You can also tell me to be quiet whenever I mention work after hours.”

This at least gets a reaction from you. You force yourself to crack a smile, meeting his eyes once more.

“Okay. I’ll hold you to it.”

“Perfect.” The psychiatrist nods, wasting no time uncapping a butterfly needle and puncturing your skin with it. The sudden sting almost makes you flinch, but his grip suddenly is so tight that you don’t get any wiggle room. You watch as your blood travels down through the attached tube, filling up a small sample bottle and shortly after, a second one.

“You’re pretty brave for a bunny,” he jokes, setting your blood samples down on the tray before he releases the tourniquet and reaches for some gauze. His eyes stay on yours the entire time as he pulls out the needle and presses the gauze against your arm, soaking up your discomfort in a way that only fascinated scientists are capable of. 

“Press down.”

You mutter a “sure” as you obey his instruction, relieved when he finally turns away from you to discard the needle and his gloves. The final touch is a little band-aid over the tiny puncture wound, and you keep your hand over it as Crane pushes his chair back into its rightful place and takes a seat once more. He studies one of the full sample tubes as he speaks up again.

“You must be a little overwhelmed right now. Which is understandable, don’t get me wrong. But I’d like for you to go home and start packing your most important belongings. I’ll text you my address and will take care of the rest. You just need to show up next Sunday and get started on Monday.”

“Do I need to bring anything in specific? Like… a notebook or something?”

“No,” he shakes his head. “You’ll get your stationery and other supplies here. I’ll make sure to try to organize you a separate desk. Maybe even one of the more comfortable office chairs. But I can’t really promise any luxuries.”

“I know this establishment oftentimes seems like a revolving door when it comes to staff applying and quitting. But I don't want that with you.” Crane tears his eyes away from your blood sample, giving you his undivided attention again. “There won't be an easy way out, however. Either you prove yourself and do your job until the end of your internship, or else there will be no certificate and you'll have to try your luck elsewhere. And I hate to worry you, but getting a job without one of my letters of recommendation might be a little tricky. But I assure you, that's the absolute worst-case scenario."

You let out a little breath and nod, straightening in your chair. Your mind is already racing, spinning around in a colorful variety that ranges from dread to genuine excitement. The biggest problem, however, is that you will have to break the news to your boyfriend. The thought makes you a little nauseous, but if Crane notices it, he’s generous enough not to mention it. 

Your goodbyes are brief, and you’re still holding your hand over the band aid as you leave the building and reach your car. Dark clouds are brewing overhead, announcing one of Gotham’s common rainy afternoons, and it already smells earthy with a hint of wet concrete.

The drive home doesn’t take as much time as you would’ve liked, even though you’re stopped plenty of times by red lights or passing cop cars with their sirens turned on. No, you reach the apartment much too soon, climbing the stairs with a heavy heart and sweaty palms. The band aid feels like it’s burning a hole into your flesh, hidden away underneath your sleeve. A secret hint of the meeting with Crane. Your key hovers in front of the lock on your front door as you freeze. Telling Tristan about the internship would mean telling him about your impending new living arrangements. Yes, you’d get the satisfaction of proving him wrong about your capabilities, but he’d blow up about everything else. Even worse, what if he reports the conditions of your internship? What if he ruins everything before it has even begun? 

Another big fight doesn’t fit into your schedule either. Neither does a breakup. Taking a breath, you unlock the door and step into the apartment, almost immediately meeting Tristan in the hallway. Time freezes for a moment, and then you say the first thing that comes to mind.

“I need to pack. They want me back at Potomac.”

It’s okay, right? It’s no big deal. After all, it’s just another little white lie to let him keep his peace of mind.

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[autisticandroids]

outsider pov

time is fake. these are some outsider pov fics for @spnficrecfest. there's a lot of conceptual overlap here with my casefic reclist, since i'm such an enthusiast for law enforcement chasing the boys. any crossovers do NOT require familiarity with the crossed over material. all of these are gen.

in order of wordcount:

identity theft solutions by ivyfic, 1k

a guy gets a letter in the mail from a bank he doesn't have an account with about a credit card he's never used.

the glomourous life of john dillinger by dwarfankylosaur, 1k

henriksen and his partner have a bet. extraordinarily charming.

not long enough by gayeld, 1k

salmondean tell victor about the supernatural. in particular, meg.

the outsider by denihil, 1k

henriksen has some sympathy for sam.

breathe on, sister (they pass me by remix), 1k

henriksen puzzles over sam and dean saving people from a fire. i would read the fic it's a remix of as well, if i were you.

days without feathers by pyrebi, 1k

jess's mom sees sam on tv.

the mysterious cold oak murders by anonymous, 2k

buzzfeed unsolved does an episode on the events of all hell breaks loose part 1.

perseverance by grumkinsnark, 2k

henriksen interviews a series of season one characters in search of the winchesters.

paper weight by vaznetti, 3k

kathleen hudak, from the benders, pokes into the winchester case at henriksen's behest.

the death defying mystery of the brothers winchester by dyed_red, 5k

buzzfeed unsolved again, this time on our boys.

the angel killer by vikki, 5k

cas is caught by the cops, circa season five.

the henricksen files by ante down, 9k

technically abandoned, but it's more a series of codas and character studies than a story, so it being abandoned doesn't really matter. so old it was written before henriksen's name spelling was canonized. this fic is a series of henriksen-centric codas, following him as he follows the winchesters over the course of season two. it has some of my favorite henriksen characterization, actually.

no way out iii by kelincihutan, 21k, violence warning

criminal minds crossover. real feds meet fake feds, and problems ensue.

minimal loss (what a joke) by eden22, 26k

criminal minds crossover. the feds go into a hunter compound. they meet some hunter children, including ten year old sam and fourteen year old dean. they try not to cause another waco.

this fic is one of the ones that i revisit when i want to be reminded that fanfiction can be good. it's THAT good.

the right to remain silent by boundlight, 27k, chose not to warn

svu crossover. tfw are caught by the cops in new york. i lied, this one is destiel.

nothing to see here by innie, 30k

a canon divergence starting from in my time of dying. kathleen hudak chases the winchesters. a number of other things also happen. john makes a different deal.

[rewatching-sam-and-dean]

Jensen re Dean/Castiel “Resolution”

(X)

So, this is the transcript of Jensen’s answer to the question about the need for “resolution” regarding Dean and Castiel. The person who wrote it based it off of an audio recording, and people who I know and trust (who were at PurCon) corroborated that it is accurate.

Things that stand out to me from reading this:

1) Jensen is chosing his words carefully, and is probably stressed about answering this question (given all the stammers and stopes and starts in what he’s saying).

2) His general stance on this scenes (and the Dean-Cass relationship) hasn’t changed. For him (and he’s the one who matters most here), Dean cares about Castiel, sees him as a brother in arms, a friend and an ally, and one of the people he’s closest to (we know Sam is the closest).

3) Jensen doesn’t actually say Castiel is “in love” with Dean, which makes me think of what he mentioned in … Denver (?) at the first con back since the show ended. Jensen expressed that he wasn’t sure angels love in the same way people do, so he didn’t think it had to be interpreted as romantic. Which I agree with, BTW. Even if his stance on angels not having the same type of love as people chsges, it still rings the most true for me.

4) When Jensen mentions “subtext” in the transcript, it’s because someone in the audience shouted it out (as hellers always do). When he says it’s text, not subtext, I think he means that there isn’t more going on in the scene than what we see (not that a romantic relationship is text as some hellers are trying to interpret it). Castiel states his love and gratitude, Dean absorbs that. Dean is sad that his friend, who loved him a lot, died (being sucked into the empty by black goo). That’s it.

5) If there is a revival, and if we see Dean and Castiel together again, there will be nothing to address. Dean accepts what Castiel told him. Dean is not in love with Catiel, so their relationship will not change. Thus, there is nothing to address. Nothing changes.

I don’t know how many times Jensen can say the same thing before hellers get it through their thick skulls: Dean cared dearly about Castiel because they are friends, family, allies, brothers in arms. But his is NOT in love with him. It’s really not that hard of a concept to grasp.

Honestly, IMHO, you have to not want to understand what Jensen is saying here to think he’s in any way hinting at some Dean/Cas relationship in a potential revival (or whatever). The fact that he says there is “not anything to resolve” honestly says it all. Also, I think he’s being more generous about that “confession” scene than it deserves, but that’s beside the point.

(X)

[am3ricanpsycho420]

castiel/fem!reader

18+

summary: You had been avoiding Castiel due to your feelings for him. Until you got sick of hiding.

warnings: fluff, smut, not proof read!

You’d been hunting with Sam and Dean for awhile. You enjoyed having them around. It was way better than the solo hunting you had been doing for the past couple of years.

Through your time with the two brothers you’d met many characters. Many bright,colorful, and frankly weird people/monsters. You didn’t mind, but majority of these people ended up being against you and in the business of hurting you.

One of the exceptions to that was Castiel. An Angel of the Lord. You were stunned, it was quite hard to wrap your head around the fact that angels are real. Even with everything you saw on the daily it was weird.

Although, there had been some bumps through you guys friendship with Castiel, he remained someone who stayed in your good grace. He was just so sweet to you, you could never stay mad at him.

You always tried to keep yourself out of relationships. With being a hunter it was not easy to maintain them. Almost all of your relationships had failed up to this point, so you gave up. Although, when you met Castiel it was hard to not blush and laugh at everything he said. You were never like this with anyone, even Dean and his continual platonic flirting.

The boys knew something was up when you left every time Castiel was around. You didn’t wanna make him uncomfortable and make things awkward, so you chose to avoid him. But you were getting pretty tired of hiding your feelings.

Once Sam and Dean realized your true feelings they started to tease you. Making little jokes and saying things to Castiel that he didn’t understand just to rile you up. It was driving you crazy, so you decided no more evading him and you were going to tell him how you felt.

While sitting in the library of the bunker you heard the all too familiar swoosh of Castiel wings. “Hello Castiel” you said to him happily

“Hi Y/N, where are Sam and Dean?” he said in his monotone voice

“wow don’t act so happy to see me” you said while rolling your eyes knowing he probably wouldn’t get the joke.

“well of course I am always happy to see you Y/N but I have some things I need to discuss with them” he said nervously while avoiding eye contact with you.

“you do know that I am also a hunter and involved with all the affairs around here, if you have a question you can just ask me” his statement struck you as weird because you were up to date on all the information on your guys latest hunt.

“Yes I am aware, it’s just something more personal, about the human experience, although I’ve been coming down here for a long time I’m still quite confused when it comes to love and relationships” he said to you confessing.

“Well Cas I understand if you want to talk to them, but I’m also pretty well versed in what it’s like to be a human so let me know if I can help, if not they should be in their rooms” you said, and before you could even blink he was gone.

You were hoping he’d ask you the question and it would give you the opportunity to actually talk to him and interact but clearly that was not in the cards for today.

——————-

Castiels swift exit led him to deans room

“jesus Cas, I told you dont come up on me like that” Dean said rolling his eyes while already annoyed at this interaction.

“Sorry, I just have some questions pertaining to the human ways of love and relationships” Castiel admitted.

“uh yeah, to be honest I am not the best to ask with being a hunter it’s hard to remain in one but go ahead and ask” Dean said while motioning for him to go on.

“If you had romantic feelings for someone, but they are always avoiding you what would you do?” Castiel let out on one quick breath feeling relieved he finally got the question off his chest.

“Ohhh this is about Y/N, look just tell her how you feel, don’t tell her that i’m telling you this but she likes you and just doesn’t wanna say anything” Dean said but immediately after Cas had already disappeared.

“You’re welcome Castiel” Dean said angrily while looking up at the roof.

—————

You continued to research in the library, taking the occasional breaks to check your phone and stretch. At the end of the day you rewarded yourself with a nice cold drink.

As you grabbed your glass and went to turn around you came abruptly to a halt due to Castiel being in your way.

“Hi Cas”

“Hi Y/N” he replied

you stared at him wondering if he would continue on his own. Assessing that he wouldn’t you asked, “So did the boys answer your love questions?”

“Yes, Dean said I should just tell someone how I am feeling”

“That’s good, you should always do that, you know Castiel I am always here if you need anything, I’m sorry I haven’t been around you a lot” you admitted to him.

“That is okay although I will admit it does make me sad. I have recently discovered that I have romantic feelings for you. I know I don’t know much about relationships I will hope you would give me a chance” he said with a slight smile

“Really?” you asked

“Of course, I have for a long time I just did not know what was going on”

“Well I would love to go on a date with you Castiel”

———

This was my first long fic, pls let me know what you guys think and if you want a smut part 2!!!

[klausysworld]

Yandere!Reader with Sub Klaus

Vulnerable for the taking

Klaus was known to be ruthless and terrifying. He was someone who always got what he wanted and would do whatever necessary to have it.

The small issue was: so am i.

So when i met him, and i saw just how broken he was inside, i knew that i wanted to keep him. His eyes were so sad as he wondered the streets of Mystic Falls, poor thing was just nearly killed by his step-father, betrayed by his sister and told nobody would ever love him. How that pathetic excuse of a father was wrong.

He took a seat on the local park bench. His face fell to his hands and his body began to shake with his sobs.

I silently sat beside him, my hands moved to lightly rub his back making his head shoot up, he looked at me with confused and teary eyes.

“What did they do to you?” I muttered seeing his blood stained shirt.

“Who are you?” He questioned quietly

“Someone who wants to help” i whispered and he frowned

“I don’t need help” he murmured though his face nuzzled my hands subconsciously as i held him. My thumbs brushed over his stubble making his eyes droop, he was surely exhausted after fighting for his life.

“No? Bet you’re tired though, where are you staying? Let me take you home” i whispered. Now of course i knew where he was staying, he was in a hotel just outside of town while his mansion was being built by the hybrids he had gathered the past couple weeks. I already had a copy of the key to his room and the receptionist was lovely but he was a paranoid man and I couldn’t frighten him off now could i?

“Come on Niklaus” i encouraged as he looked to me cautiously

“How do you know my name?” He questioned i smiled at him

“I met your sister, Rebekah, she asked me to check you made it out alive incase the others did something to her, which I believe it’s safe to assume that they have.” I explained and he sighed in what i presume to be relief.

It’s true, i became fast friends with Rebekah after offering her somewhere to sit for lunch, she was easy to get open up, she spilled everything about her family in the span of ten minutes. I liked her, she was very bouncy and joyful and then when she mentioned her brother who had murdered there mother and feared her father would murder him in an act of revenge, well it was a great opportunity to meet him and have him see me as someone good.

I may or may not have found out some information on him since his first mentioning in town. See Caroline, Bonnie and Elena weren’t exactly quiet with their talking about the supernatural, i found out like a lot.

So i ended up having a thing for him. It’s fine plus he’s a fun person to try and capture. I thought he’d be a little more angsty but thankfully i got him at a vulnerable time, he was quiet and exposed.

“You can come to my house if you don’t want to go back to wherever you’re staying?” I offered and his head nodded slightly

“Rebekah sent you?” He confirmed

“Bekah sent me, said that they were planning something with…Mikael?” I told him and that was enough evidence for him as he nodded and stood up letting me bring him to my home.

He stayed silent the entire time as i brought him to my room and gave him some clothes to change into and a towel for his shower. He thanked me quietly before disappearing into the bathroom. When he reemerged he was little keener to talk.

“How did you meet my sister?” He asked as i combed through his hair, i had convinced him i could help nourish his curls.

“School, she makes a big impression” I muttered gently getting out the little knots that had formed

“You must too if she chose to be friends with you” he hummed looking to me through the mirror infront of us

“I think she just needed someone to he kind to her” i said with a smile as his lips upturned back at me.

I added the mousse to his hair and gently brought my fingers through it to apply it evenly. I watched as his eyes fell shut and his lips parted as i massaged his scalp. I tugged lightly at a lock of his hair causing a moan to slip from his mouth, his eyes opening as his cheeks went bright pink and a smirked at him through the mirror

“Just let your hair dry naturally and ur should come out nice and curly” i told him while spraying his hair over and taking a step back. His eyes were already shades lighter than when i found him earlier as he smiled

“Can we sleep now? I’m exhausted” he muttered and i nodded

“Of course you can stay in my bed, I’ll be just downstairs” i told him gently stroking his face with the back of my fingers

“Nonsense you should stay in the bed with me. I won’t bite, promise” he said while beckoning me over to the bed and pulling me down with him.

“I don’t know…I’m told biting is your specialty” i hummed and he grinned showing me his sharp, deadly teeth making me roll my eyes and lay down beside him

“I have no reason to bite you” he mumbled as he shuffled closer to me.

He fell asleep with his head on my chest, mumbling to me about something I couldn’t quite make out while i wrapped my arms around him. He was such easy prey for someone who was known to be a predator.

———————————————————————

Since that day my home had become a safe haven of sorts for him. He was always sat waiting for me when i got home, eyes lighting up when i walked through the door.

It got to the point where he could only sleep if he were in my arms

“You keep the nightmares away” he murmured once as he nuzzled my neck and i hummed “Then I’ll just have to keep you here with me” and he didn’t seem too bothered by it, rather happy i would say as he nodded and kissed my neck tenderly.

He became more attached by the second and i loved it. He never put up a fight when i asked for him to stay, when i wouldn’t let him leave my hold and keep him in my bed all day.

I found that he was uncharacteristically well behaved and kind. He always had me do his hair and tend to his wounds. He would sit patiently and allow me to do whatever i like, he had grown to completely and utterly trust me.

It were as though he were a puppy and i were his master. He was obedient and learnt to follow me wherever i went.

His siblings didn’t mind me taking him, i kept him with me always. Got him to move in and everything. Sometimes his family would come visit

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so…comfortable” Elijah told me as he watched Niklaus cook our dinner

“Uhuh sure, i mean i knew he was a dog but this is stepping it up” Kol muttered making me glare and Rebekah smack the side of his head

“I think it’s sweet, he’s happy” she murmured with a small smile as she flicked her eyes between us.

Klaus was even more happy knowing his family liked me, all the more eager to stay with me.

It wasn’t long until i had him entirely.

How he thrived when he was beneath me was addicting, having him squirming and whining while he his hands stayed tied above him head “Please, please let me” he would whimper as he neared his high, eyes screwed shut as he hung onto the edge tightly “not yet, you gotta be good, just another minute” but he could never wait the whole moment.

I had him wrapped around my finger in every way,practically and sometimes literally on a leash. He came to me whenever he needed or wanted for something and i did whatever i could to get it for him. Whether it was stealing Elenas blood or punishing a certain Lockwood for a betrayal.

“I’ll keep you safe” i would assure him as he would smile back at me

“I know you will” he murmured

“Yeah?” I whispered kissing his cheek and he nodded as i climbed on top of him

“I know because i love you” he uttered and i felt my heart grow

“I love you too, i always will”