#this is my worst relapse in like 4 years

[ferventdainty]

i’ve been in the online pro ana community for about half of my life at this point and it’s sad how desensitised i am to thinspo. i can see the thinnest person known to man in a picture on tumblr and it does absolutely nothing to me. it doesn’t motivate me anymore.

but when i see a thin person irl... yesterday i saw a girl whose legs were literal twigs and i can’t stop thinking about her. that one girl has motivated me so much it’s insane. i managed my first 36h fast since i was like 16 because of this girl. and i’m 20 now and my body is so weak that i start shaking before 20h, but i managed 36h because i saw one extremely thin girl in person. this is why i think thin people on the internet (eugenia cooney) shouldn’t be deplatformed for being thin. you can’t control seeing something like that when you’re walking to your university

[suncaptor]

yeah this cannot go on i need to take something like my chest is exploding i can't calm down it's 7am i feel insane insane insaneeeee

[mainfaggot]

tw eating disorder talk in the tags btw. just me being open for the first time in a long time but no numbers or specifics that could be triggering do nawt worry

[morn1e]

thank u 4 the 1like on that post. here r my dude headcanons that r mainly set 4 my au bcuz i am feeling nice&ok 2 share. do know that this is just how i personally interpret him. u can see him however u want, i am just but a random guy on the internet&he is a fictional guy made out of pixels.

- prepare 4 the real name of the century bcuz this is fucking stupid ermm what the sigma. ok so his real name is tanner parkley dude jr. .yeah his surname is genuinely dude. nickname “the postaI dude” derives from highschool where he worked as a postal worker during the summers(&was mocked 4)&since nobody liked him they gave him the name. was mainly called TP or dude by few that were friends bcuz he really hated the names tanner or parkley.

- born on feb 29th bcuz he does not deserve 2 have a bday every year🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

- not schizophrenic but is mentally unstable 2 some degree bcuz he does deal w very violent&intrusive thoughts on which he acts out on sometimes&has anger issues

- physically wise has struggled w chronic migraine since a young teen. his 20s were his worst years bcuz the migraines were @ their worst/most frequent+the fact he was a drug addict&did not properly take care of himself as he should+the ex wife nagging constantly did not help whatsoever. now that he is nearly 40+medicated they have greatly decreased but attacks still occur bcuz he still does not look after himself enough as he should

- was born in florida but the family moved around a lot(bcuz they could not b bothered 2 pay rent). eventually settled down in utah but moved 2 arizona 2 live in paradise

- am set on thinking he was a middle child. 3 sons in the family. is not in contact w any1 bcuz despises them all bcuz they were a nightmare growing up. 2 brothers sort of turned out like dude(substance abusers&broke). mom is still around but he does not dare talk 2 her bcuz she always was over religious&turned a blind eye 2 dads abuse

- only family he is in contact w is uncle dave! only guy who was genuinely there 4 dude growing up. dudes father really despised him hanging out w dave bcuz he was sorta known as a scummy scammer. dude as a teen helped out dave w his various schemes&whatever so much so 2 the point it costed a permanent offense on his record where it hindered dude from barely being able 2 finish high school+absolutely NO hope of getting into college bcuz nobody wanted him there. i think this is also a factor why he has a hard time holding a job(main factor is that he is just. a piece of low value shit)

- met the bitch through her sister bcuz he was dating her sister 1st. thought bitch was hotter than her sister so chose her. got married in las vegas in 1 of those cheesy stupid wedding chapels

- dude genuinely did love the bitch @ 1 point but in the end they were incompatible&they were both pieces of shit 2 each other. w age they just drifted away completely where they just Could Not stand each other. i believe sole reason they stayed 2gether was bcuz of tax benefit&could not afford a divorce or smth

- champ came into his life randomly 1 day while he was still in utah&champ as a stray came up 2 his trailer randomly. he got fed&bcame dudes companion from then <:)

- in my au dude is mainly clean off of crack bcuz when he moved into paradise got so pissed @ the crack dealer prices that out of sheer petty&principle said 2 himself he would Not smoke that shit b4 butchering most of the dealers. still has relapses but mostly manages. has turned 2 weed mostly

- has cried 2 nickelback @ least 3 times

- thinks too much pepper is genuinely considered spicy bcuz he is so white guy&cannot handle spice whatsoever

- fav desserts r smth like bread w butter&sugar or graham crackers w milk bcuz he grew up dirt poor&these were the only desserts they could afford

- does not rly have a fav alcoholic drink bcuz will drink abt anything just so it gets him fucked up as fast as possible. but if dude had 2 choose would like whiskey+coke or vodka+tonic cocktails. does not like red wine bcuz of how it tastes+it triggers a migraine

- knows how 2 cook meats like briskets&ribs&steaks&shit where they turn out rather really nice <:)knows how 2 cook overall but gets take out most of the time bcuz cannot b bothered 2 cook as the process is tedious as shit

- genuinely knows how 2 program&just has quite a lot of computer knowledge in general<:) if he was not dead set on not listening 2 any1&cared enough 2 b like every1 else in society dude could make a fine living off of developing websites 4 ppl on the web

- oh em gee now abt marnie❤️ the way they met is that he socked her in the face @ a concert in some crappy bar in paradise&after seeing how unbothered she seemed from the blow instantly knew she was different❤️yay❤️

- b4 him&marnie were official marnie was his mistress bcuz by the time they grew closer dude was still married. still cheating but by that time his&bitch’s marriage was in literal shambles that they just did not care abt the other having lovers

- got 2gether w marnie bcuz the sex was awesome&she makes 200k yearly from being a general surgeon, stayed bcuz she was his person all along.♡

[gloomysoup]

when the world stops turning (my heart stops beating) - pt. 3

happy holidays to all who celebrate! as it stands, i'm posting this on christmas eve after a full evening with my dad's mom and his siblings and all my cousins, before i go to bed to deal with even more family all day tomorrow (we have my mom's side in the morning for brunch and then my dad's dad's house in the late afternoon/evening) BUT i did FINALLY get this part figured out and i couldn't wait to share it! i would apologize, but we all know i'm not actually sorry... oops

anyway i hope you all enjoy it!

ao3 pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4

cw: mentions and discussions of drug use, addiction, sobriety, relapse, referenced overdose, etc. y'know, the usual

The first time Steve ever got high, he was fourteen. Tommy had scored some weed off one of the older basketball guys, Steve’s parents were gone for a weekend. It was perfect. Steve, Tommy, and Carol laid back on the roof of Steve’s childhood home, overlooking the blue glow of the pool and the line of trees beyond the yard, passing a joint back and forth. It was a warm buzz, making his head go all fuzzy. It was nice. Until it wasn't, at least. He liked the feeling of being high. What he didn't like was what came after.

The comedown from that first high was rough, to say the least. Carol was fine; Steve didn't know why it didn't affect her as badly. Steve and Tommy, however, were not so lucky.

It was a while before he ever smoked weed again. He never did anything more than that, though there were plenty of opportunities. And he never smoked alone. It was always parties, or hang outs with Tommy and Carol. It slowed down when he met Nancy. She wasn't a fan of drugs, and always asked him to stop. He never could, but he definitely cut back. Then Nancy shattered his heart, so he picked it back up again. Started smoking on his own. Anything to chase the free feeling of the high. He spent so many nights trying to escape his nightmares and heavy thoughts. He smoked until his head was floating in the clouds. He kept the high until he ultimately passed out, hard, into a fairly dreamless sleep.

And then Starcourt happened.

That was a different high. Slower. It was loose lips, but firm thought. Tethered, but not quite there. It took longer to hit the peak, to really float. When he finally hit it, it was the best he'd felt in a long time. And then he came crashing down. It was the worst he'd felt in his life, aside from the time Billy bashed his head in with a plate. It sucked. It ruined weed for him, if he was honest. Every time he tried after that, his body panicked. His brain would get fuzzy, he'd start to float, and then he'd seize up. His brain would shock him back into reality. He vowed, with the help of Robin, to never get high again. He would finally quit. It wasn't worth the panic attacks and anxiety and trauma response that came with it anymore. He was successful for a while, at least. He'd been sober for almost a year.

That didn't last long after the final battle with Vecna. He and Eddie were friends. They were starting to grow into a little more than that. Steve’s nightmares were awful again. His body was sore and his scars stretched uncomfortably every time he moved. It was Eddie who initially suggested weed, even though he had stopped smoking himself.

“It's actually a pretty good method for pain management,” he said with a shrug. “You just gotta be careful about it. Stick to the natural stuff.”

Eddie didn't know that Steve was sober. Steve never told him. He'd been itching for a good high again anyway; something to clear his head, take some of the pain away, get a good night’s sleep for once. Eddie had handed him an extra joint, leftover from his own stash that he hadn't touched in weeks. Steve went home that night and lit a joint for the first time in almost a year. His sobriety went down the drain, just like that. The worst part? He didn’t even regret it. Not one bit.

He didn't tell Robin. He couldn't. He knew she'd be disappointed in him. She would go back to watching him like a hawk, following him around, and never leaving him alone long enough to even think about getting high. She'd spend every night with him, just like she did those first few months before. He couldn't let her do that to herself again. Not when she was doing so well with Vickie. He wasn't going to ruin her good thing with his own problems. So Robin never knew he relapsed. And Eddie never knew that he was supposed to be sober. He never told a soul.

Steve carried it with him for years. Every time he lit a joint instead of a cigarette, he thought about Robin. Two puffs in, he wasn’t thinking about her anymore, just how nice it felt. He smoked until his head was empty and floating, and then he smoked some more. He smoked by himself a lot. Then the band got recognized, and they were all smoking again too. Steve would smoke with them any chance he got. He never told anyone the secrets he was hiding. He never told anyone the weed wasn’t quite enough anymore. He was perfectly content with what he had, sure, but some deep part of him itched for more. He got cross-faded more times than he could count, just to feel something more.

His first experience with harder drugs was at a party with the band. Their manager had gotten them an invite for promotional purposes. There were supposed to be some high-end producers and such they wanted to network with, and Steve always went with them to these sorts of things. It was innocent, at first. Steve stepped out on the back deck of whatever big shot artist’s house they were at to light a cigarette while Eddie talked music with some people in the living room.

He took a deep inhale, feeling the nicotine saturate his lungs before he blew out the smoke. What he really wanted was some weed, but Eddie had it all on him and Steve didn't want to bother them. This was good for the band. They needed this. Still, a cigarette couldn't only do so much for the itch under Steve’s skin. He had a beer on the railing in front of him, but that's not what he needed. He took another inhale, holding it, hoping it would keep him satisfied until Eddie brought him a joint. It wasn't really working, but Steve was trying to convince himself otherwise.

“Mind if I join you?”

Steve turned to see a slightly older man standing in the doorway. He vaguely recognized him as another musician, but couldn't place his name. “No, not at all. Honestly, I could probably use the company.”

The man nodded and stepped onto the deck, closing the sliding glass door behind him. He took up a place beside Steve, holding out his hand. “Billy.”

Steve laughed at the irony and took his hand. “Of course you are. I'm Steve.”

Billy gave him a curious look. “Something wrong with my name, Steve?”

He shook his head. “No, not at all. It's just a little funny, I guess. I knew a guy named Billy once. Broke a plate over my head, gave me a nasty concussion, and then he died a few months later in a fire at the mall I used to work at. The universe likes to have a good laugh, apparently.”

“Ah, yeah, I'd probably feel the same way then.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a joint, gesturing toward Steve. “Mind if I light?”

“Only if you share,” Steve replied with a laugh before taking another drag of his cigarette.

“Of course, man.” Steve watched Billy pull a lighter from his pocket and light the joint, taking a puff before holding it out toward Steve.

Steve stubbed out his cigarette on the wood railing before taking the joint between his fingers. He took a deep drag, holding it for one, two, three seconds, and then breathing it out slowly. He looked up at the stars as he passed it back. “God, that's exactly what I needed.”

“Tough day?”

Steve shrugged. “More like a tough life. I'd usually be smoking by now anyway, but my, uh, friend has all the weed on him. He's busy talkin’ shop with some other music guys in there, and I didn't wanna bother them. It's important to him.”

“Not your scene then, I take it?”

Steve huffed, taking the joint back between his fingers. “I'm more… emotional support for his band, I guess. Though, I'm not sure they ever needed it. They do just fine on their own.”

“I'm sure they appreciate it anyway.” Billy glanced back at the house as he took the last drag before putting it out. “What do you say we go back in, Steve? I know a guy upstairs with something a little better than weed, if you're interested.”

“Hell, at this point, I might try just about anything. I don't do needles, though. Bad experiences and all.”

Billy laughed and motioned with his head. “Promise, no needles unless you ask.”

“Lead the way, then.”

Steve was floating on the best high of his life. He didn't know how much time had passed, but he didn't really care. He hung out upstairs with Billy and some other industry people for God only knows how long, smoking and laughing and snorting lines of cocaine. Eventually, Steve stumbled his way back downstairs with Billy, laughing the whole way. He bumped into Eddie, physically running into his back where he was scanning the house.

Eddie turned and wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist, holding him up. “There you are. I was wondering where you went.”

“Eddie!” Steve exclaimed, grinning brightly. He turned to Billy, who had his arm around Steve’s shoulders. “Billy, Billy, this is him. This is Eddie.”

“Oh, yeah! So you're Eddie! You've- you've got a good one, man. Steve's such a riot.”

Eddie seemed taken aback at first, looking between the two of them. His eyebrows furrowed as he took in Steve’s slightly disheveled appearance and wide eyes. “Steve, are you high right now?”

Steve giggled, leaning his face into Eddie’s neck. “Soooo high, baby. I feel great.”

“Alright, I think it's time we go home,” Eddie declared. “Come on, let's go find the guys.”

“But I don't wanna leave,” Steve whined with a pout. “I wanna dance, Eddie. Can't we dance? Please?”

“We can dance at home, Steve. Come on. It's time to go.”

“No fun,” he huffed.

“Steve, look, here, I’ll give you my number,” Billy said, still leaning heavily against him. “You call me. We’ll hang out again sometime, yeah?”

“Definitely. Definitely do that.”

It took Eddie fifteen minutes to drag Steve through the house and track down the rest of his friends. When they found the rest of them, Jeff frowned at Steve.

“What's up with him? Is he okay?”

“Apparently the whole time we were talking to that producer, my boyfriend was getting high off his ass with Billy Corgan. I'm sure he’ll be fine once he sleeps it off.”

“Wait, Billy Corgan?” Gareth asked, eyes wide. “Like the Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins?”

“Apparently they're best friends now.”

“Oh, yeah, Billy’s great,” Steve said through another bout of giggles, leaning all his body weight on Eddie. He cupped his hand around his mouth to whisper, but it wasn't really a whisper. “He knows who has all the good shit, guys.”

“Okay, he is really high,” Grant said. “Guess that's our cue to leave?”

“I don't care if you guys want to stay, but I'm taking Steve home. Just didn't wanna leave without letting you know.”

When Steve and Eddie finally got back to the apartment, Steve sloppily kissed Eddie in the entryway. His hand slipped under Eddie’s shirt, but Eddie pulled him back.

“Baby, no, not tonight,” he murmured. He pushed a lock of hair from Steve’s face. “You're too high for that right now. You need sleep.”

“Want you, though,” Steve whispered, ducking down to suck at his jaw and throat.

“Steve, no. I'm serious. You need to sleep this off.”

Steve huffed, a pout on his full lips. Eddie kissed him softly before wrapping his arm around his waist and leading him to the bedroom. Steve slumped back against the bed immediately upon impact. Eddie carefully and gently undressed him before tucking him into bed. He brought a water bottle and some meds for the morning, placed them on the bedside table, and then changed his own clothes. Steve was out like a light, snoring softly. Eddie held him all night, unable to sleep. He'd never seen Steve get that high before. Part of him worried it was more than weed, but he trusted Steve. He'd ask him in the morning, but he wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. He didn't think Steve would do more than that. He didn't think he had to worry.

The next morning, Eddie made sure Steve was safe and okay before bringing it up.

“So, last night,” he said over breakfast, poking around at the scrambled eggs he'd whipped up for them.

“Oh, right! How'd it go with that, what was he, a producer?”

“It was fine, but that's not what I'm talking about, Steve.”

Steve frowned. “What is it then?”

Eddie swallowed, not looking at Steve. “You were really high when I finally found you after you wandered off. I need you to be honest, Steve. What did you take?”

“It was weed, Ed. Strong weed, but just weed.”

“You promise?” He looked up, meeting Steve’s eyes. “You promise it's just weed, Steve? I can’t- You have to understand how dangerous that other shit is. I can't lose you to it.”

Steve smiled so easily, like he wasn't lying right to Eddie’s face. Like he didn't have a baggie of coke in the pocket of his jeans, which were laying on the bedroom floor. “I promise that's all it is.”

And Eddie believed him, like an idiot. He trusted him, because it was so easy to fall for those eyes and that smile. He didn't think Steve would ever do anything like that. He had no reason to believe otherwise. He didn't know that Steve had been sober for almost a year before that spring break from Hell.

Steve lied for years, to everyone. He was good at it. It was easy. He didn't even think twice before the lies tumbled past his lips. The problem was how simple it was to score. How easy. He never had to turn far. He was listed as a personal assistant to the band. He was handing drugs to pass on to them all the time, but Corroded Coffin didn't do any of that stuff. They always turned it down. They knew what it did to people, especially in the industry. It was a dangerous thing. Every time the members ignored the drugs being passed to them, Steve slipped them in his pocket instead. No one ever noticed. The more fame and recognition the band got, the easier it became for Steve to score whatever he wanted. Pills, tabs, cocaine, heroin, the works. He never strayed far from coke and pills, still wary of needles from the Russians, but it was a high he couldn't get with weed alone. It was addicting. He wouldn't have been able to stop on his own even if he wanted to.

He snuck off to do a line or two every chance he got. If the band’s backs were turned for even a few seconds, he was popping a couple of colorful pills. He smoked weed every other night, whenever Eddie wanted to smoke. He smoked on his own occasionally, slowing down his body through the rush of a good high. It was nothing like he’d ever experienced before, and he couldn't get enough of it.

Then he was at the biggest show of Eddie’s career. Sold out at Madison Square Garden. Roaring crowds, electricity flowing through Steve’s veins. He was only going to do a quick line. He just wanted to keep the energy, soothe the itch. One line turned to two, then three, then some pills. Then everything went dark.

The first thought to cross his mind as his vision tunneled and his body began to shut down was that he should have told them the truth. He never should have lied to Eddie, or Robin. He never should have taken that joint from Eddie all those years ago. He should still be sober. But he wasn't, and now he was going to die, and it's his own fault. He fell to his vices. He didn't talk to Robin, like he always promised he would do if the urges came back. Instead, he got into the harder stuff, and now it was going to kill him. The clock had finally run out. The Reaper was knocking on his door.

That would be the end of Steve Harrington.

-----

tag list: @mugloversonly @djohawke @acowardinmordor @hallucinatedjosten @geekyfifi @slowandsteddie @estrellami-1 @cinnamon-mushroomabomination @canmargesimpson

(if you saw this upload twice no you didn't. i definitely didn't forget the tag list)

[tears-grow-gardens]

TW- ed rant

This is my first ever tumblr post. Normally I'm just a wall flower, sitting quietly in the tumblr corner reading other peoples posts and thoughts hoping to feel less alone in my own mind. I'm not even sure what I want to say but for the past 4 years I have struggled with my eating, some days are really bad and other days it's just like an itch, like I know all the rules, fear and guilt that has stained me but I feel stronger not to let it win. 2-3 years ago I was at my worst, I was in my 3rd year of University, I had lost all hope and drive in my life and I let everything crumble through my fingers, I was failing classes, isolating from everyone, loosing sight of my dreams and what mattered to me. I don't know who was holding the wheel to my life but I felt I had lost control with all of it. I didn't know how to change or help myself, I was so tired of always feeling like a failure to myself and everyone around me. I had been dealing with depression and anxiety for so long and serious case of undiagnosed ADHD and all these feeling felt so permanent, like they would never go away, so I turned to something I felt I could control, which was food. There was nothing I hated more in the world than myself, my body, my face, the way that I believed people saw me. I hated every inch of who I was. I thought that if i could control what went in i would get the results I've always wanted and maybe even get to like the way I look. And the results came, it felt so good to be able to get something right, like for the first time in my life I didn't feel like a complete failure. The feeling of hunger gave me power, how I didn't have to say words to people that I was hurting inside because they could see it from the outside. Wake up, look in the mirror, walk, workout, coffee, walk, coffee, porridge, starve, walk, mirror, bed. This was my life but fortunately or unfortunately I was sniffed out like a rat from one of my house mates who confronted me, it felt like I was standing there naked and exposed with all my secrets written on my skin. After that I felt I had to change, I felt watched and analysed with every move I made. My weight goals put into a box, I tried to make amends with my body and mind but from the years to follow the voices never left my head. Sometimes the voices are merely a whisper and other days the voices are so loud it feels like everyone else can hear them too. Now here I am on tumblr 4 years later writing to say I have relapsed, not that I think I ever recovered but more I was idle with temptation to destroy myself and now I'm back, born again to hack my body to pieces. Ive found myself almost everyday purging in the bathroom, even if its been a normal, healthy meal. I just want to crawl out of my skin and shrink into nothing. I don't want to die and I don't want to live like this but i feel years of rage within me of unnoticed pain that I want to scream to the world and let them know. I have dreams and I want them to exist one day as true but I don't know how I'll ever rid myself of these dark paralysing thoughts. I'm so tired of feeling unloved and lonely, in my 22 years of life I have never known what it is or what it feels like when someone choses to love you. Im so convinced by my own hatred for myself that I believe everyone else sees me the way I do. The toxic thing is, is that I want this for myself, I want the hunger in sanctuary of starving, I want to feel small and fragile and i want people to worry, i want them to say "she's lost weight", while they ponder on how hurt I must be to have lost myself this far.

Anyway enough for one day. idk if anyone reads these long word vomit tumblr posts but thank you if you've read this far and welcome to my fkd up mind.

[scream4ash]

tw 4 addiction, talks of self harm, talks of disordered eating, mental illness, self destructive tendencies, just overall me being a piece of shit.

hey, guys. ash here. i guess i wanna apologize for just dissapearing. when i had originally started posting, and decided i was going to be a writer i was sober, n in a better headspace. since then i have relapsed, n fallen into the cycle of addiction n destruction n just overall have not been in a good place.

i have struggled with substance abuse since i was around 13, mainly being alcohol or weed due to easy access. more recently in january of this year i had started abusing antihistamines. that way, i could tell myself it was just medicine, there was no harm in what i was doing. for those of you who don’t know, antihistamines are anti-allergy meds.

on march 17, i had overdosed. my girlfriend had found me on my bedroom floor seizing out. i was brought to the hospital via ambulance, n released the same day. i would love to say i stopped, n i realized the way im going would kill me, but i didnt. i had overdosed again 8 days later. this time when i was brought in to the er i was put on suicide watch. then i wouldve denied any attempts at harming myself, but deep down i didnt care the outcome. though im just now realizing i never really cared about what’d happen to me, but i think part of me always knew. i knew the consequences, i decided that god shall decide my fate.

i was then transferred from the er to a psychiatric unit where i was treated for depression n bipolar disorder.

when i was released a week later i decided it would be a new chapter. i had gotten a job, i was sober, n most importantly people saw me.

that lasted for around two months. the euphoria i felt had all come crashing down. i had slowly rejoined the forgotten, my own friends forgetting about me. i had fell back into isolation n self-hatred. i was fading out again, n no one noticed. no one noticed when i had started skipping meals, or the way my body physically could not allow itself to keep a single bite of food down, or the lack of sleep, even the empty look in my eyes. i have yet again fallen into the hand of addiction, seeking comfort from what i know is no longer there, what may have never been there in the first place. i have barely left my house, only going outside to walk my dog. i can no longer recognize who i see in the mirror. more recently i havent even been able to get out of bed to go to work.

i feel the need to clarify that i am 19 years old, the life i am living is not the life to live. i am actually all alone in the world. guys, if u, or a friend, or a parent, or a loved one, hell even ur worst enemy. if anyone u know, or may know of is struggling with addiction, let them know you are there. let them know that you havent gave up, youre still fighting for them. if ur thinking about trying drugs, or alcohol, hell even weed. don’t. take it from me. dont.

i havent been very active on here, n i am sorry. i am going to reopen my requests and start posting short works/blurbs. i will also get to the requests in my inbox, n those will be filled as blurbs. again, i’m sorry 4 bailing on you guys.

also so super sorry for the sob story, idk. kinda feels good to get this shit of my chest. idk, makes me feel like u guys know me kinda.

@calumikey @ashen-char @f4ngtooth @theactualqueenelizabeth @brittanysnowsgf @iheartambss @phorsphyn @spiderb00 @allsovls @jennaortegaswifey @liaisbaeee @xxxninjaxxx23 @chaejiberry @nohumanityhope @blakeroni @mm-myluv @amberfreemanmygirlfriend @lilahaga @mikeymisser @carolcunha7 @not-alesha @burninghotlava @shaunashipmanism @chaoticghosthoagiegoop @paigesbabymama @spidersareskrunkly @ghostampire @cursedashes @yveslish

tried to tag all of my followers, or as many that it’d tag. idk, i really want this to be seen.

[growsagain]

Important Health Update - Please Read 🩵

Hi everyone,

I hate making posts like this, I know this isn’t a fun post, it’s not what you’re here for (it’s not what I’m here for either!) But behind every content creator is a real person with a real life, real health issues and real problems, and sometimes we need to keep you in the loop, both so you know why things have changed and because we need support now and then, whether we want to admit it or not 🩵

I’ve been basically walking around with full-blown meningitis for the last 4 months. It’s been impossible to take time off and I’ve been working 12 hour days much of the time. I’ve been doing all I can aside from resting to try to recover but every time I felt like I was making progress I relapsed again, especially every time I filmed content after which I crashed hard. I’ve been in chronic pain for 30 years but since March I’ve been in the worst, constant pain of my life.

My medical issues are interconnected and complex. The crohns stuff improves when I’m able to eat well but the nausea from the meningitis and pain has made eating harder and harder over the last few months. When your work revolves around you eating lots and getting fat that’s definitely not ideal but just feeling all the healing and progress I made at the start of the year reverse to the point where I’m spending hours and hours again in agony on the bathroom, getting weaker and weaker, crawling back through the caravan because I’m too exhausted to stand - it’s been heartbreaking. I thought I was finally getting somewhere. 

When I’m in pain I can’t eat, when I don’t eat the crohns gets worse, when the crohns gets worse I can’t process my food or meds properly and then my health gets worse - it’s a vicious cycle and there’s only one thing that has proven to stop that, which is a high dose of steroids. While I was initially prescribed them for crohns they have proven to control several of my other conditions, and they suppress the meningitis. 

I’ve been suffering bouts of recurrent meningitis since late 2015. My diagnosis has now been revised to chronic meningitis. Reluctantly I’ve agreed to an extended high dose of steroids, without intending to taper them this time. This is a last ditch attempt to avoid a lengthy hospital stay. I HATE hospitals, I’ve had some really bad experiences and I’ll do anything to avoid them. I always end up in a worse state than when I went in. 

There are side effects to the steroids; some good and some bad. The worst one is the swelling around my face and neck. I understand some of you like that and see it as just weight gain, but at the risk of sounding weak and vulnerable I ask you to please not bring it up, even if you intend it as a compliment. That’s not what my face looks like through weight gain alone, it can be very painful and tender, I feel ugly and hate showing my face on camera when it’s like that. There’s also nasty effects on my skin and hair and bad insomnia, plus all kinds of other stuff that’s less troublesome but I’d rather not have to deal with again and there are also risks with being on steroids long term but each time I’ve tapered down or off I become seriously ill so at this point it’s worth the trade off. 

There are positive side effects too. Some of which hopefully you will enjoy as much as I will. Aside from generally getting better they DO suppress a bunch of other conditions so I generally have a lot more energy and strength and can generally do more and work more. But the biggest thing is the appetite boost, especially as my body heals. Usually after being on the high dose for about 2 weeks I get a massive spike in hunger and each time that’s happened I’ve ended up making HUGE gains! And when I’m eating so much more I’m able to make a bunch of extra content. After literally having to force myself to eat for the last few months I can’t wait to actually ENJOY FOOD AGAIN 🤗🤗🤗

I try to stay upbeat and bright in my posts as much as I can but it’s been hard to keep doing that lately. I couldn’t be more humbled by how kind and supportive you’ve been over not just the last few months but the 11 years I’ve been making belly content. Thank you for being amazing, and I’ll always try hard to make the best videos I can in return. This community means SO much to me 💙 

[snowandsage]

⚠️⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: ED, body image, depression, mental illness ⚠️⚠️

I would never in a million years post something like this to any of my other social media accounts but I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come and want to make a post. It’s likely that this will be taken down for the “inappropriate photos” and I sincerely doubt that many will take the time to read this, but oh well. I’m writing this for me.

The purpose of this post is to share my story and spread awareness as well as positivity.

My body image is something that I have struggled with for a very long time now. Since middle school, I was overly aware of how my body looked and I developed severe body dysmorphia. I refused to wear bathing suits, I cried in the dressing room whenever I went clothes shopping, and I constantly compared myself to those around me. I hated my body and the way that I looked. This obsession with my appearance and my weight continued to progress throughout high school and even college. I began working out frequently, I logged my weight and everything that I ate for years, I counted calories, I would use a tape measure to measure my waste. At 15 years old, I would sob quietly to myself while looking at my body in the mirror. I would force myself to throw up after meals or when I felt like I overindulged. I wholeheartedly hated myself.

It wasn’t until my adult years that things started to get really bad. From 2021 to late 2022, I was at my absolute worst. I was in a bad place mentally and I was feeling out of control. As unhealthy as it sounds, my eating disorder was one of the few things that helped me feel in control of my life. I began weighing myself 4-5 times every day, my hair started falling out in large clumps, I began passing out almost on a daily basis (at home, at work, in the shower, in public), I was freezing cold all the time, i was chronically fatigued, and my body hurt and ached at all times. I was refusing to eat more than one full meal a day, and that meal typically consisted of a bagel with butter. I would look up the calories in ibuprofen before taking it, I started drinking my coffee black to avoid the calories from cream, I was constantly lying to my friends and family about my eating, I wouldn’t even let myself drink carbonated water because it made me feel bloated. I was so so so sick. Within one year, I had lost a total of 50 pounds, gone down 2 bra sizes, and had no longer fit in any of my clothing. I am a 6’3” woman and was weighing in at 124lbs when I decided that I needed to make a change if I wanted to live.

In November of 2022, I decided to actively work on getting better. I threw away my scale and called my doctor to get a referral to an ED program. I was advised to go completely inpatient considering the severity of my problem.

It’s hard. Every single day of this healing process has been hard for me. I have not once weighed myself since November and have been eating normal meals again. I refuse to let myself see the calories of the things that I eat and I’m pushing myself to break all of the unhealthy “rules” that I had previously made for myself. It’s obvious that I have gained quite a bit of weight since starting this journey, and although I still struggle with that and frequently have negative thoughts… I’m recovering and I’m trying. And that is all the matters.

I’ve slowly been learning to love myself with this new and improved body and I’m proud of myself for making it this far. I promise myself that I will continue to grow and heal even on days where I want to relapse or when I feel worthless or uncomfortable in my own skin.

I just recently learned some information that caused me to really, truly think about this terrible illness and how deeply and negatively it has, and always will, affect my life. About 3 weeks ago I wound up in the emergency department with severe heart palpitations, tachycardia, and vertigo. After doing an EKG and further testing, I was diagnosed with a rare heart condition in which can cause sudden fainting, seizures, or even sudden death. Unfortunately, one of the few things that can cause this, are eating disorders, more specifically anorexia nervosa. I wanted to throw up when I heard this. I didn’t realize how badly my ED could have been affecting my health. All that ever ran through my head was that I wanted to be skinny. I wanted to be thin because I didn’t feel worthy if I wasn’t. Surely, nobody would love me or want to see me naked if I wasn’t thin. What absolutely bullshit that is. I’m heartbroken for myself and I am so sad that I ever let myself get that bad. It devastates me to think about how many other people (men, women, young, old, etc.) struggle with eating disorders every waking minute of their lives. It isn’t worth it.

Please, please, please reach out to somebody if you are struggling with an eating disorder. You are so worth it and you deserve a chance at a happy and healthy life. You are SO much more than a number on a scale.

The first 5 photos are pictures that I took when I was at my unhealthiest and the remaining pictures are recent.

[karmic-vibes]

Hawkins Memorial to Rescue Personnel

part 3 to the nurse steve au!

cw: mentions of suicidal ideation, mentions of drug use, drug relapse, failed unalive attempt, mentions of AIDS

wc: 2.1k

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5

———————————————————————

“I don’t wanna be here,” Eddie mumbled.  “I don’t care,” Steve murmured. “If you want any chance of living past a few years, you need to give up some bad habits.”

“What’s so bad about letting the drugs kill me first?” Eddie rolled his eyes, crossed his arms, and sat back in his seat. 

“Ed, stop… that’s not funny…”

“Sorry,” he sighed. 

“Edward?” 

“Right here!” 

He hauled himself out of the seat and reached back for Steve’s hand, encouraging him to follow. The pair walked into the therapy office and took a seat on the couch. Eddie shuffled his way closer to Steve, trying to snuggly sit next to him. Steve gently placed a hand on Eddie’s thigh, rubbing his thumb up and down. 

“How’s everyone doing today?” The therapist asked. 

“I’m here so, kinda shitty.”

“Watch the attitude,” Steve warned. “Sorry, he’s upset.”

“I would be too if I was getting sober. It’s not really a pleasant experience for anyone,” she chuckled dryly. “So, I’m Dr. Axen, but you can call me Melissa, if you’d prefer. I’ve been an addiction specialist for thirteen years, and I’ve been told I’m good at what I do, so hopefully we can help you out here, darling. Tell me a little bit about yourself.”

“Well, I’m Eddie and I’ve been using since I was fifteen or so—started drinking a bit younger. Everything really got out of hand when I made it big in music and started touring and all that fun stuff.”

“And what made you finally come in today?” Melissa asked. 

“This one,” gesturing to Steve, “insisted.”

“You’ve OD’d twice under my care, Ed. I-I can’t physically watch you go through it again.”

“Yeah, fine, whatever, let’s just do this so he shuts up.”

“Eddie,” Melissa started, “sobriety is a big step that you have to want to make. It can’t be for anyone else. It needs to be for you.”

He sat and pondered for a bit, the tip of his tongue peeking through his mouth as he anxiously tapped his foot a mile a minute. He glanced at Steve, then back at Melissa—he couldn’t believe what he was about to admit. 

“It is for me,” he said. “I may not want to be sober—hell, who does? But I want to be with Steve. I want to be able to…” He chewed at his bottom lip and scoffed. Fuck it. “I wanna be around long enough to marry him. Have gorgeous children with him. Go to stupid PTA meetings and watch him argue about the nutrition content in school lunches. I want us to own a home together. I want us to have a life. And… fuck,” he chuckled. “I can’t do any of that if I’m still actively using. So… yeah… I’m ready, doc.”

Eddie couldn’t look at Steve. He knew he’d be staring at him with teary eyes and his stupid well-maintained glossy lips. Eddie knew that, while they had only been dating a few weeks (and they hadn’t even put an official title on it) he wanted Steve to be his, forever. He wanted someone he knew could handle him at his worst—so for him… Steve was it. 

“Eddie…” Steve finally whispered. 

“Well, it’s true…” he shrugged. 

“We don’t– we’re not–”

“No, I know, but… I like you, Steve. I’ve done a lot things, dated– well, slept, with a lot of people. I’ve never found them attractive in the same way I find you. I never wanted to be confined to the restraints of marriage, but with you, I never want to do so much as look at another guy. I’ve had my handful of pregnancy scares with chicks I used to hookup with. Never, not once, have I ever wanted children, but with you? God, I want a million of them. I wanna do all the mundane, stupid things with you, and only you.”

“So how many kids are we talkin’?” Steve chuckled out a sob. 

“However many you want, pretty boy,” Eddie beamed. 

“So you’re ready to give it up? Give it all up?”

“Yeah… I am…”

Throughout the rest of the session, Melissa set up a care plan and a realistic timeline for him to get clean (without rehab). Since Steve worked in healthcare, she was hoping he’d be there to help Eddie stick to his plan. 

Even though Melissa said not to undergo too much change at once, Eddie insisted Steve moved into his McMansion. The two had been living under the same roof for nearly five months and Steve couldn’t have been happier. The change was initially difficult for Eddie, but with Steve’s help, he was able to adapt. 

“Okay, I’m heading into work,” Steve said, collecting his belongings before heading out for his biweekly double shift. “You need anything before I go?”

“A kiss?” Eddie pouted. 

“Okay, besides that?” Steve smirked. 

“Nothing, I think I’m alright.”

“Well then…” Steve leaned down and pulled Eddie in for a kiss. “I love you. Don’t do anything stupid while I’m at work. I’ll rip you a new one if I find you in my ER,” he teased. 

“I won’t.” He rolled his eyes. “I love you too, pretty boy.”

Steve headed into his shift and it was more or less the same—drunkards and traumas. During the second half of the shift, he set up shop at intake and listened to the EMS radio. He worked his way through his reports, making polite conversation with the staff that passed by him. Suddenly, his ears perked up when he heard another waste-oid being brought in over the radio. 

“Rescue 5 to Hawkins Memorial.”

“Go ‘head, Rescue 5.”

“We’re ten minutes out with a possible overdose. Patient is approximately a twenty-five year-old male—response to physical stim only, but borderline completely unresponsive. Not oriented to person, place, time, or event. Twenty of narcan was pushed—patient is still in respiratory failure. Two lines running wide open with ringers. We’ll update you with any new information.”

“Thank you, Rescue 5. Trauma room six is open—bring patient in upon arrival. I’m paging the doctor now.”

“Received, thank you.”

“Christ,” Steve scoffed. “Wheeler, incoming to six!” 

“Shit,” she seethed. “Drunk?”

“Overdose.”

“Shocker.” She took a sip of her water and paged a handful of staff to help. “How’s your night going?” she asked. 

“It’s fine. Same old Sunday. You know how it goes.”

“Unfortunately I do. How’s the hubby?”

“Wonderful,” he beamed. 

“Yeah?” She raised a brow. “Sobriety’s treating him well?”

“Surprisingly, yes.”

“What’s he like sober?”

“More or less the same,” he chuckled. “He’s a total dweeb, but super sweet. I can’t describe it, but he’s literally my other half—everything I’m not.”

“I’m glad to hear you’re happy and things a–”

“Rescue 5 to Hawkins Memorial.”

“Go ahead, Rescue 5.”

“We’re five minutes out.”

“Received.”

“God, I’m not looking forward to this. Overdoses are always my least fucking favorite. They’re just so heartbreaking. Watching addiction win like that, you know?” Dr. Wheeler sighed. 

“Yeah, I know.”

“What would you do if Eddie–”

“Don’t… please, don’t…”

“Right, sorry. Finish up whatever you were doing and join us in six, alright?”

“Will do, doc.”

Steve jotted down the last of his narrative as the EMS crew burst through the doors with the patient. Steve shook his head in disbelief as he collected his paperwork, already anticipating being stuck with babysitting duty. When he slid the door open, Nancy whipped her head around and tried pushing him out of the room. 

“What are you doing? You told me to help out.”

“You can’t be here,” she panicked.

“Um… doc, last time I checked this is my job.”

“Steve, take my word for it. Get out.”

“Dr. Wheeler, with all due…”

Then Steve saw him. 

He was pale. Lifeless. Saliva was pooled around the corners of his mouth as vomit stained his shirt and matted his hair. There was an intubation tube shoved down his throat as two of the EMTs took turns ventilating him and suctioning out the tube. 

To the untrained eye, one might’ve thought he was a corpse. Dead. Past the point of no return. 

Steve had seen him overdosed before, but never to this degree. He never thought he’d have to see his love like this. But alas, there they were. 

His pile of paperwork fell to the floor as Steve tried running to the bed, but was quickly held back by security. Steve screamed in agony as his body went limp, tears spilling down his face. 

“No!” he cried. “Eddie, no, please!” 

Anguish plagued his body as he wept for his partner. He hiccuped out a sob as security carried him out to the staff break room. They sat him up in a chair and set down a box of tissues before heading out. 

Steve had no words. He was doing so well—what’s happened? He said he was ready to give it all up, but there they were… back at square one. 

When Eddie was stable enough to be moved to a normal room (which took a few hours), Dr. Wheeler retrieved Steve to join his partner. Before heading in, the two stood outside the room—he needed to know what happened before facing him. 

“How bad is it?” Steve sniffed.

“Well… his left lung collapsed…” Tears pooled in Steve’s eyes as he cupped his mouth in his hands. “There was a lot of built up scar tissue. Has he been coughing a lot at home? Showing any signs of pneumonia or anything?”

“Not that I’ve noticed,” Steve choked out, voice breaking. 

“Then he must’ve been hiding it really well. How’s his condition being handled?”

“He’s on a lot of meds, but he always told me he was fine.”

“I’ll try and get his reports from the archives, alright?” Steve nodded. “He has a non-rebreather on right now, so just be mindful of that.” He nodded again. 

“Better than an intubation tube, I guess,” he sniffed.

“He’ll be okay, Steve… I promise.”

“You can’t promise anything,” he spat. “God, why would he fucking do this. He was doing so well.”

“I don’t know, sweetie… you’ll just have to ask him when he wakes up.”

She pat his shoulder before excusing herself back to the main ER floor. Steve reluctantly went into the room and took a seat next to Eddie’s bed. He laid back in the chair and waited for him to wake up. 

At nearly eight in the morning, Eddie stirred awake, trying to make sense of where he was. He blinked aimlessly a few times before noticing Steve. His heart sank as he glared up at the ceiling. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“Why’d you do it, Ed?” Steve wasted no time. 

“I coughed up blood… I panicked, Stevie… I’m so, so sorry.”

“The doctor said you have scar tissue built up… why didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling well? You’re not in this alone, Eddie. We could’ve done something.”

“There’s nothing we can do, Steve!” Eddie yelled, shortly leading to a coughing fit and gasping for air. 

“Breathe…” Steve sighed, checking his oxygen’s flow rate. “Ed, you need to come to terms with death. I’m not saying from AIDS, I’m saying in general. Yes, one day, you’re going to die. I’m going to die. Everyone dies. Yeah, it sucks, but it happens. Alright?” Eddie pouted, still trying to catch his breath. “You need to tell me when you’re not feeling well so we can do preventative treatment, not reactive like this, okay? And so you don’t freak out and relapse,” Steve teared up. “I can’t lose you… not like this, Eddie.”

“But Steve,” he wheezed, “if I’m going to die, I wanna do it on my own terms…”

“This isn’t the way, Eds… think about me… please. Watching you slowly try to repeatedly kill yourself is so hard for me to...” he trailed off. “You suffer, I suffer—it fucking sucks, Eddie. Dear lord, it’s more painful to watch you do this to yourself than it would be to watch a disease take you. At least, with the disease, you can’t help it—you just have to let it happen and fight like hell to stay. But this? Eddie this isn’t you… you can’t be known for going out like this.”

“But why, Steve?” he choked out. “I run… that’s what I do… I’m no fighter.”

“Knock that off,” he cried. “Please, for me, go fo rehab… get clean… I can’t stand watching you do this to yourself. I think it’s killing me faster than it’s killing you.”

“I’m sorry, Stevie, I… I can’t–”

“Hey, hey, hey…” Steve whispered as he cupped Eddie’s cheeks, wiping away his stray tears. “Yes, you can. You can and you will. For me… please, Eds… I can’t lose you…”

“But, Stevie…” he choked out, “I don’t wanna be here anymore…”

———————————————————————

taglist: @steviesbicrisis @adaed5 @harringtonshairychest @manda-panda-monium

a/n: i know it’s sad right now!!! but please stick around for the next part, it will get better! im not a total monster, i swear.

ANYWAYS, it’s not stated directly, but this is taking place in ‘91/‘92, so eddie would be 25. i also like to think it took steve 5 years to finish undergrad bc he acknowledged he needed more time and that’s okay—normalize adding more time onto your education to suit your own academic needs!!!!

as always, please lmk if tumblr glitched and some things are repeated/deleted (indicated by weird jumps that don’t make sense)—ill fix any errors asap.

i hope everyone enjoyed. please lmk if you wanna be added/removed from the taglist for the next part 🫶🏻

[frogmanfae]

Newsies as shit that happened at band camp part 4 (its a hefty one today y'all)

Crutchie: *shows Finch a video*

Finch: I don't get it..?

Crutchie: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T GET IT??? It's a weiner dog doing a flip!!

Albert: Did you just spit on me?

Race: No my nail broke and I accidentally threw it at you (/srs)

Davey: I painted my nails and watched Euphoria

Race: Of course you did

Davey: I got through the entirety of season 1

Race: You should be ashamed of yourself

Davey: Why?? It's about lesbians!

Race: exactly! I don't like gay people

Buttons: Preach!! Kill the gays!

Finch: How long have you been straight?

Albert, who had his heart broken by a guy three months ago and has been saying it turned him straight but he keeps "relapsing" into queerness every time he sees a pretty boy: ...Two minutes

Crutchie: Come on heterosexual you can do it

Katherine: *sobbing/laughing* I can't do it!! This is a man's job!! (/j)

Finch: What are you doing?

Race: He's pumpin

Albert: I bought this water balloon pump for $10 and it's already halfway empty because I just keep pumping them with air until they explode

Davey: Fabio (Les, who previously had hair longer than Sarah's) cut his hair

Jack: WHAT??? NOOO!!!

Romeo: Jamaica they're trapped down in

Romeo: Jamaica they can't even

Romeo: Japarty

Elmer: What are you doing??

Romeo: That's my favorite episode of Total Drama

Spot: He looks like Topher

Race: He looks like Geoff

Romeo: I know he's a registered felon crazy man but I'd still smash

Jack: *randomly* happy happy birthday from Applebee's to you we wish it was our birthday so we could party too, hey-

Race: Trumpets are just anorexic bugles

Albert: Literally what??

Jack: The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania

Davey: My mom told me she wants me to have kids with you

Katherine: SHE SAID WHAT

Davey: yeah so she knows I'm gay but she still wants me to have biological children and she said you would be a, quote, "perfect choice"

Katherine: why?? Should I be flattered??

Davey: no idea, she just kinda said it

Spot: Ahhh I already have drum shit on me and it's only 8:30

Spot: My hips are so fuckin bruised

Davey: Does your harness need adjusted? It shouldn't be sitting on your hips-

Spot: My body is structured different than yours, genius

Race: It's not a four year difference it's a three year difference

Albert: Oh wow so much better

Sarah: One time I took it and it said I was a child of Apollo and the other two times I was a Hunter of Artemis. So basically the Percy Jackson official godly parent quiz called me an official faggot like four times

Spot: I don't know his real name but I call him critter because he's annoying as fuck

Jack: Clap! If you care!

The band: *silence*

Denton: If you're losing your trombone it's not here

Albert: *sobbing* I'm losing MY MIND!!!

Jack: I have backne and I can feel the sweat dripping down

Crutchie: That is incredibly too much detail for me

Denton: If you're going to make a mistake, make the 76 Trombone mistake

Medda: Don't breathe! DON'T BREATHE!!!

Elmer: You can't go naked!!

Albert: It's fine I have a wife beater-

Race: You have a WHAT

Albert: Have you not been up at the field this week? Your shoes are still white

Finch: These ones are new

Albert: Oh so you're a cheater

Finch: You gotta even out the redness

Race: My gluteus maximus is wet!!!

Specs: I lost sense of smell in my right eye

Denton: Woah Betty...!

Crutchie: I get to leave early to go to therapy

Finch: Which kind?

Crutchie: Physical. The worst kind.

Davey, Jack, Finch, and Spot: *an entire conversation made up entirety of various incorrect pronunciations of Duquesne (doo-kane)*

Albert: *google searching where gay marriage is legal* GRAND THEFT AUTO THE BALLAD OF GAY TONY???

Race: Oh my god Davey's mom! *joking lustfully*

Denton: Who is that? Jack?

Jack: Me!

Denton: Okay do you have some screws loose or...?

Medda: On his instrument or like in general?

Denton: We have one shared pencil in this band where is it??

Blink: I'm that guy

Tommy Boy: Hey guess what

Blink: Yeah?

Tommy Boy: Shut the fuck up.

Denton: Out in trumpet land- or I guess brass land

Romeo: Nuh uh we know who your favorite is now. There's no saving yourself.

Denton: Okay so it's Tuesday-

Albert and Race: IT'S CHEWSDAY

Jack: CHEWSDAY

Crutchie: *snorts* is it really chewsday?

Sarah: It's chewsday innit?

Denton: ... I don't get it is this something I should know or-?

Jack: No we're just making fun of British people

Denton: Oh! Okay that's... Fine, I guess? Anyway-

Medda: Okay I wanna hear everyone who plays at 17 so that's... Bari sax, trumpet trombone and tuba

Specs: Wait but we play at 17

Medda: Yes flutes play but I don't want to hear you

Albert: *flipping his drum stick* One *flip* two *flip* three *flip* four! *flip* five!! *flip*

Spot: *hits the stick away*

Denton: You start to sound like a saggy diaper. Nobody wants to be the saggy diaper of the band

Jack: Oh my god does that say Scope??

Crutchie: Scope???

Buttons: ... Who's Scope?

Jack: They graduated last year

Davey: Gone, but not forgotten

Davey, about Jojo: That kid wears a propeller hat in my brain

Denton: Okay lets go marching cadence

Davey: ugh...

Denton: Old fashioned roll off

Davey: Ugh...

Denton: Into the fight song

Davey: UGHH

Davey: *sitting on top of the drum cabinet*

Jack: Wha- how- why??

Davey: Do you see any other seats?

Jack: *gestures to a ledge on the floor*

Davey: No

Jack: *points at a chair 2 feet away*

Davey: Dude, I'm gay

Jack: Just because you're day doesn't mean your not-

Davey: Day? I'm day?

Jack: Wow I can't believe you would make fun of my speech impediment, I thought you were gay. Turns out you're not even slay.

Race: I did better this time! We got together around the same time as my last relationship, end of February and I didn't do anything until June- July! I should get a medal!

Buttons: *randomly approaches Elmer* do you want some week old Cheetos?

Elmer: no- actually I have to think about that... No...

Spot: *squeaking his drum harness* me and your mom last ni-

Jack: I need him to come back and just squirt directly into my mouth

Davey: *blinks aggressively*

Elmer: What did he say?

Davey: What?

Elmer: You just got like transported into another dimension

Davey: Oh my contacts shifted out of place

Elmer: Oh and you saw the future?

Davey: my legs hurt. We don't move for this one do you think I can lay down and play?

Denton: okay musicians just relax for this run, you can sit and play while the fronts figure things out

Davey: ooh I'm gonna lay down and play!

Spot: you're an idiot

Davey: shut up help me lay down!

Spot: *helps Davey lay down with his drums on looking at him like he's stupid the whole time*

Davey: oh yeah. This is it.

[maya-matlin]

Out of the degrassi movies (don’t look back, Hollywood, Manhattan) which one do you think is the most ridiculous and why? And how would you rank the plots in each movie?

(I did not include Schools Out cause while a lot of things that happened in the movie pissed me off it was nowhere near as ridiculous or far fetched as the others)

Oh god. This will be fun, because the story lines during those movies were all over the place. It was very clear the writers weren't aiming to do anything remotely realistic and just wanted to have fun.

I'm inclined to say that Don't Look Back, even though it's widely despised, is probably less ridiculous than the other two movies. At least they stayed in Canada? Tristan was trying to run a successful YouTube channel, but I don't think it worked out. For some reason, I can't remember the details of the kidnapping story line, but it's not totally unbelievable that a girl would do something drastic like fake her own kidnapping because her older, abusive boyfriend was manipulating her into thinking it's the only way they could be together. We already know Maya to be someone overly concerned with keeping people safe and that she can't stop herself from getting involved. So that's not totally off to me.

Degrassi Goes Hollywood and Degrassi Takes Manhattan speak for themselves. Multiple characters ran off to either LA or New York and managed to find fame in a short period of time. In defense of Manny and Paige being cast in Jason Mewes' movie, there was at least a previous connection because both worked on the set of the season 4 movie. In Manhattan, Jane just randomly met a guy in a band that was about to take off and ends up performing with them on live TV. Since we're led to believe Holly J got the internship on her own merits rather than Declan pulling the strings, that's kind of hard to believe. Meanwhile, Spinner and Emma drunkenly elope and decide to remain married, declaring themselves in love after less than a week. Ellie's plot was somewhat more grounded. The Crellie stuff was ridiculous, but Ellie was intentionally running from the reality of her father's condition. Not only that, but Craig and Ellie had both been ruined for years by this point. So sadly, it wasn't too shocking to see Craig's cheating ways mixed with Ellie's desperation and codependency come into play once again.

I guess this means my answer is Degrassi Takes Manhattan? Honestly, they're all ridiculous. None of them hold up compared to the regular episodes, but oh well.

Degrassi Goes Hollywood:

1.) Manny (If not for Craig's involvement in Ellie's story line and the heavy emphasis on their non-romance, that one would rank first. I'm not afraid to say that this one places first because Manny is my favorite and I like seeing her dreams come true. Also, Janny got back together. Cassie Steele's voice was at least good enough to justify Manny landing that role even if Manny hadn't been established as a good singer prior to this. I just wish Peter and his stupid fucking band didn't have to be involved. The writers never let her be free of that man)

2.) Ellie (As I said before, this one had a solid basis. After Ellie's family problems were placed on the backburner for four seasons, finally we were given an update. We'd already known Ellie to self harm. Season 7 hinted at Ellie eventually developing a drinking problem. The elements were there for Ellie to have a really compelling story with her spiraling and relapsing to cope with her dad's condition. Unfortunately, the crux of this story line involved Ellie reconnecting with Craig, and I can only overlook that so much)

3.) Paige (This is easily the worst part of the movie. It was hard to understand why Paige was suddenly after fame or why she was even living in LA in the first place. The Paige of seasons 5-7 had different goals in mind. It felt like they wanted to resume the Paige vs Manny feud, only not even that got much screen time. For some reason, the writers really wanted to punish Paige and imply that she and Marco would never be friends again. Also, Perez Hilton showed up during all of this. We need to give the writers so much shit for that. They legitimately gave that creep a paycheck. Unforgivable)

Degrassi Takes Manhattan:

1.) Holly J vs Fiona (Arguably, this was the best plot in any of the movies. It was literally just Fiona and Holly J feuding while attempting to stake a claim on Declan. Holly J got most of the focus, but Fiona's character and the hints of her alcoholism and mental health problems were the most interesting aspect of it. I mean, Declan wasn't worth all that for numerous reasons, but he and Fiona had an extremely codependent sibling relationship. Declan wasn't beyond redemption at this point, so even his role was somewhat sympathetic with his loyalty being divided between his girlfriend and his twin sister)

2.) Spinner/Emma (Like I said before, the fact we were supposed to think their impulsive marriage was a sufficient happy ending with so little build up was unbelievable. But at the same time, the actors gave it their all and made it almost charming if you didn't think too much about it. Spinner and Emma together isn't the problem. It's the way it was done and the fact it was blatantly a rebound for Spinner and Emma being so desperate to figure out her future that she jumped right into a marriage with someone she was barely friends with. Had more time been devoted to their relationship set up or even if they'd simply become a couple, the fact they were endgame wouldn't feel so random and forced)

3.) Jane (Jane's five seconds of fame was ridiculous. I can't even talk about it because there's literally nothing to say. She randomly met a guy who was played by someone more than twice Jane's age (37), and suddenly she's in the band and ready to blow off college to be famous even though Jane was never into anything like that. Then, she finds out Spinner's getting married and stops just short of talking him out of it. Somehow, we're supposed to feel good about her ending. It felt like a series of totally random, bizarre events that have no basis in any sort of logic)

Don't Look Back:

1.) Zoe/Grace (I'm not going to pretend as if I'm not biased. Their story line was literally a lesbian romcom. I loved everything about it. I don't give a fuck that Zoe had three different love interests in one season or that the writers could never keep straight how academically smart she was. All that mattered is that she ended the season with Grace and finally met her match. We saw Grace more vulnerable with Zoe than we had with anyone else up to that point. Zoe finally realized what sort of love she wanted to experience and the kind of partner she needed. Had the writers just fucking let it happen and not been all, "Well, actually, it's problematic to assume that just because you dress vaguely alternative, color your hair, and have piercings, you must be gay. We're just going to ignore the times we implied Grace was into girls because the girl crushing on her BFF's boyfriend trope has never been done before and we need it for our tone deaf plot twist," everything would have been great. I even thought Miles's role in the story line was pretty fun)

2.) Maya/Zig (This isn't Maya's best story line and pales in comparison to all of her other season 14 plots, but it's like Gracevas's story line to me. I got to watch Zig and Maya be adorable together, kissing in every other scene and taking care of kids together after waiting for them to be canon for years. So I took what I could get and just had fun with it. Other than that, Maya's continued anxiety and need to involve herself so that she's never "responsible" for someone else's misery tracks for me. I thought Maya and Gloria coming together towards the end was interesting. And obviously, Zaya's first technical endgame since TNG could have been the end of the show)

3.) Frankie (To be honest, I just didn't care about this story line. Frankie's relationship with Gloria's abusive boyfriend wasn't well developed or given enough depth for me to believe Frankie seriously fell for him that quickly and easily. I know Winston was boring and had literally just kissed one of her best friends, but mostly I blame it on the fact that Frankie has the worst taste in men. I know the writers wanted to get everyone involved in Gloria's disappearance, but I wish anyone else had gotten the spotlight)

4.) Tristan (I don't know if this counts as a plot, but Tristan's constant interruptions take me out of the movie. I know it's supposed to be intentionally overdramatic, but this wasn't the best use of the character. Sometimes I wonder if the writers were trying to make everyone hate him)

[system-of-a-feather]

Dear Problematic Siblings; An Open Letter to Older Siblings Survivors from a Youngest Sibling Survivor

(TW: Some levels of emotional abuse, neglect and psychological abuse mentioned. Not sure what level of detail to warn since its that whole Trauma Thing where you don't know what is and isn't 'that bad' so just be careful if any of those are particularly touchy topics)

Don't think too formal of this writing despite the formal sounding title, this is a bit of an open free form letter I wanted to put out to those who have siblings you aren't in contact with or don't have a relationship with following an abusive childhood environment may that be due to having to cut contact for safety or bad blood from how you hurt each other growing up.

I am / We are the youngest of two sisters - one older by 6~ years, the other older by 4~ years and our household was unsafe since before I was born. In theory, my oldest sister might have seen the abuse arise, maybe my middle sister had a bit of time before plunged into hell, but I was born condemned. First and foremost, its important to acknowledge how even these few years have likely developed how we perceive our lives and our situation greatly; far more than either of us can probably have the conscious awareness of as - regardless of how old we were when we first faced it, we were still learning and forgetting a lot of things that would innately frame the way we see the others and the world.

To the sister that made my life miserable, to the one that actively attacks and bullied me, actively tried to silence me and turn my parents against me, actively made the already bad neglect worse and actively took away all of the very few to no resources I had; to the sister that told me I couldn't complain because I was "too young" to remember the worst of the trauma; to the sister that I threw out of my life for four years and refused to so much as be in the same room as or see for two years, to the sister I gave up on after she disappointed me by repeating the same harmful behaviors over and over again over the six to eight years I had made an attempt to come to an understanding and make things work with; to the sister who - after time apart and given independent healing - came to the realization that our lives and childhood sucked, that we both were put through, that over time realized that the there was a lot more to life than the petty stressors we had built a habit of fighting over; to the sister that still from time to time, when prompted with specific triggers, will still revert back to those survival mechanisms and begin behaving in ways that are similar to how she did when we were younger; to that sister, I understand and I forgive you.

It took a while to get around here - a lot of work of healing and a lot of time apart to work through, process, recover and grow from the damage I had sustained in childhood both at your hands and not, but I understand. We were both children and we were both trying to survive. Children being forced to survive like we did will almost always look ugly, will almost always make a mess, and thats not your fault nor mine. Neither of us should have been put into that situation, and I understand why we were that way before, I forgive you and I hope you forgive me for whatever slights I likely did while trying to survive myself. I also understand that just acknowledging and being aware of this doesn't stop the trauma and immediately cure the pain and wounds that were inflicted upon us, and while we might relapse into old dynamics, I understand and forgive you already so as long as you do the same back. Healing isn't easy and more than anything, the thing that I value and cherish most is that we both have reflected on our pasts and how they affect our present and have made active genuine effort to handle it. The past is in the past, and the future is what we make of it. I'll be patient with you if you are patient with me.

To my oldest sister; to the sister that saw my pain when I was seven and came to help me; to the sister that took responsibility for making my life good and making sure I succeed; to the sister that saw the danger I was in and became dedicated, obsessed even, with making sure I did better than she did; to the sister that sat me down when I was not even in middle school to plan out all my classes up until graduate school and planned to help me enroll in the military at age 14 to pay for my tuition; to the sister that wanted to see me happy all the time to the point of recognizing a complex dissociative disorder and intentionally triggering one part out regularly to make herself feel better; to the sister that trained me in the brutal world of capitalism and taught me how to live on nothing because she knew, for a certain, that no one would be there for me and made sure I knew that I was entirely on my own; to the sister that gave me freedom and protection from my parents in exchanged for the knowledge that no one would help me should I fail; to the sister that got me a bird when she knew she was going to leave me alone and unprotected; to the sister that taught me to dominate everyone and everything to maintain peace, safety, and control; to the sister who was extensively traumatized and scared who used me as a subject to project her anxieties upon with good yet selfish and inconsiderate intent; to the sister who both saved me from my parents, but also made the effects of the 10x times worse and more dramatic; to the sister who I defended for 21 years of my life and kept from being disowned 6 times when no one else in the family would stand up for her; to the sister who - upon the slightest push back and watered down critique to acknowledge the damage done - threw me to the side as a party not trying in the relationship; to the sister who doubles down and refuses to reflect and grow, I appreciate what you have done for me and understand, but I do not forgive you - nor do I see myself forgiving you in the near future.

The most I can hope for is that you, much like my other sister, when given time apart, will come to realize the damage that you have done. That you will come to realize the true shittiness of our lives and understand that by constantly running, by constantly living in the ways that we originally learned to cope with our lives, by perpetuating the trauma that we were born and raised in, by never looking back to move forward, we will never truly escape and live the life that we deserve but were denied. As much as I wish I could sit here with you and help you through this process, that would cost me my own ability to heal, to move forward, to grow. I understand that you were doing the best for yourself, and I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt that you did what you thought was best for me - growing up how we did was hard and you more than any of us three had to deal with a lot of it on your own and without warning. You were of an older generation - mental health information was not as accessible and far more stigmatized - people were more conservative and less progressive. I completely understand how and why it is that your pain had been redirected onto me; however, I can't see that you see that. You seem unable to see your own fault and folly along with the consequences I was forced to bare. I can not forgive you, if you can not acknowledge your part in this show.

To that sister, all I can say is I hope you heal. I hope you get better and I hope you see that life doesn't have to be a constant game of run away from the past and trauma. I hope that one day you will realize why it is that conflicts follow and case you around. I hope that one day you reflect on the past and realize how your pain had caused others pain and I hope you can still love and accept yourself anyways. I hope then that we can talk again and start anew, but until then, I can not forgive you.

To both my older sisters, I don't know what our childhood was like for you - I lived it, I watched it, I saw it, but I could never truly fullly understand or begin to fathom what it was like on your side of the table, so I won't act like I do any more than I need to understand that I don't need to hate you for the rest of my life. Our childhood was hard, harder than any of us can properly remember by the sheer nature of it. I don't wish to hold bad blood over things happened in the past that will only get further and further in the past until they disappear to irrelevancy. I don't wish any ill upon either of you (excluding the acute moments when you really piss me off and/or we trigger one another****). I truthfully hope we all can heal, move on, and live our lifes regardless of how bad our first two or so decades of our individual lives have been. We are all survivors and thats something to be respected of.

Sincerely,

The Youngest Sibling

[ramblingdisaster73]

I loved your latest fic! I love that you had Nancy express basically the conclusions you came to about this all messy situation, and that you had her be such a great helpful friend like she'd been to Carlos last season when Tarlos were broken up.

I said in the tags that probably they wouldn't have them talk next episode since there's already a lot that needs to happen, and I stand by it, but it would be nice if they showed even a little bit of something like it in the scene where TK talks to everyone worried about Carlos (that's assuming that's what the scene is about of course).

As I said anyway, that conversation between tk and Nancy is now canon for me

That scene of Nancy, Mateo, Paul, and Marjan sitting in the loft, waiting with TK for Carlos to get home, seeing how sad TK was just spoke to me. I love the way that both Nancy and Carlos are able to speak to TK in a way where he has to look at things from a different perspective.

Just like in 2x07 (which honestly feels like a million years ago now) when Carlos talked TK off the ledge of thinking that Nancy hated him, Nancy was doing something similar in 4x02 when TK was talking to her about the Iris situation.

I have loved the TK/Nancy dynamic since 2x07 – I like the way they tease and bicker like siblings, but are also supportive of each other. Nancy in 3x08, being so concerned about TK, the potential of him relapsing because of his mom, her going to Tommy out of concern, but feeling so guilty about it, was just something that I have irl experience with, so having her be the one that stays, the one to get through to TK, stop his spiral seemed like a natural conclusion for me.

Writing has always been my outlet – and holy hell has this whole storyline/arc given me so much to write about.

Now, while I don’t think we are going to get much of a resolution to the arc scene, I think we may get something else. We just might have to watch the whole season to see it clearly.

*Season 3 started out with them broken up & let’s be honest, season 3 was more about TK’s pov.

*Season 4 is starting out with them together but with obstacles to their happily ever after & will be more from Carlos’ pov.

While I think that we will get plenty of TK this season, I think (and the articles/interviews kind of suggest as well) that this is Carlos’ season – the time when we see things more from his pov, while not completely losing sight of TK’s. We will get glimpses into TK’s head (the actors have vastly different contracts – so I think Ronen is contracted for all eps, while Rafa isn’t.)

We have been watching mostly from TK’s pov, we saw him realize his mistake with the break up, we saw him go through some shit, we also saw him figure out how to open up about his addiction and the issues it causes for him to Carlos, we saw him put his fears to the side for love.

Now, I think we are going to see a similar thing, only from Carlos’ pov. We are going to see him acknowledge the things that are holding him back from the life he wants/needs. We are going to see him at his worst (to him at least – a Carlos with no control would be him at his worst.). Then we get to see how he comes back from it. We will see if he starts opening up more about his past, his choices. We are getting the pieces slowly, just like we did with TK last year – we were left bread crumbs throughout the season, culminating in the beautiful proposal scene. I think there is a good chance this season ends with a beautiful wedding scene, but with Carlos finally being 100% himself, flaws and all.

I do think we will see Carlos say something on screen – whether it is in a fever dream, therapy session (OG does them, why not LS – besides I would think that the job would require therapy before being able to return to work anyway), or a talk to the wall – that man needs to verbally acknowledge what holds him back & down.

I really love this show – I am also loving how much it is making me think & the inspiration for a ton for fics!

I really enjoyed writing this one – it literally just flowed out – it feels real to me, so thank you!

[isdalinarhot]

Any more sadeas headcannons?

oh you sly dog. you waited. you waited until i relapsed and got stupid drunk so i would be willing to give out the goods. the good good juicy headcanons. the headcanons i dont usually share because they could be misconsgtrured as "woobifying sadeas" well sorry these are headcanons i have about the terrible serial killer racist piece of shit that has done every crime if you think any of this means im not aware that war crimes are bad or whatever thats on you

ONE. first love ever was a boy who was too old for him. when he was a young teen. probably like 18 or 19 to his 14. old enough that the older guy was being a creep to be honest. but i dont think sadeas ever recognized that. anyway sadeas's first bf was some fuck who instilled some uh. very unhealthy ideals about sex and sexuality into sadeas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like really bad ones!!!!! and because i am charitable i like to think that he unlearned some of the worst ones by the time he hit 30 like i like to think his ob 3 actions do not reflect him at the time of dying i like to think hes capable of the tiniest modicum of growth. but yeah being in that ancient greece ass relationship instilled ingto sadeas the core belief that bottoming and/or submitting is synonymous with weakness and THAT is the reason i headcanon sadeas as a dom top. because he doesn't want to be weak. although im sure by year 20 of sadeas and dalinar topping dalinar got to dom and or top because guess what when you fuck the same person for 20 years you need some spice some variety and sadeas is willing to give up some of his deeply held opinions about self worth and sex for the sake of some fucking novelty. anyway when the dude got a wife sadeas arranged for him to be assassinated. because that would be a lifelong theme for him. also sadeas's dad when he found out sadeas was getting fucked by a dude was pissed as hell. which brings me to

TWO. sadeas had a physically abusive father and a neglectful mother and honestly had to raise himself. it really was every man for himself/every woman for herself in the sadeas household growing up and sadeas was for sure not above ratting out his siblings or framing them so they recieved his fathers ire instead of him. despite this he and his older younger sister (he had 3 siblings: one younger sister who was like 3 or 4 years younger than him, one younger sister who was like 9 or 10 years younger than him, and one baby brother who was born just before his dad died when he was 15) stayed pretty close and she scribed for him before he met ialai. sadeas eventually sent out a letter dictated by his sister to gavilar and dalinar when he heard that gavilar and dalinar were looking to unify alethkar that was like i am sympathetic to your cause but my father the highprince is not. please dispose of him and i will be your greatest ally. and dalinar did murder him gruesomely and i think that is a large part of why sadeas was down bad for dalinar at first. because he managed to get rid of the biggest stressor in his life that he had been dealing with hiswohle life. also i think sadeas is like the third or fourth torol and its because his dad also primarily went by torol that he likes to be called sadeas. keeps a distance from the piece of shit bastard yknow?

THREE he met ialai because she was a friend of his younger sister's, he was immediately smitten by how frankly she talked about killing people and getting rid of them. sadeas likes a bloodthirsty bitch. and it was like. really weird for him yknow? because he had never felt this way about a woman before. before this literally everyone he ever got horny about was a man. all his crushes were on men all his lustful jackoff sessions were about men literally his whole sexuality was men. except now theres ialai. and theres two ways you could look at it and im fond of both. one. ialai was comphet. you just know sadeas didnt have many female friends etc that he wasnt related to. hes not exactly womanrespecter9000 ill tell you that much. and so sadeas meets a woman who he actually gets close to and goes This Must Be Love and treats it as such and marries her even though he later realizes he is not attracted to her and this marriage is simply politically convenient. the secontd option is that he really truly is bisexual and he is really truly into ialai however his flavor of bisexualityis susch that he is like99% attracted to men 1% attracted to women and that woman is ialai. homoflexible if you will. although all this being said i do not think that even keeping in mind that roshar doesnt really have those labels sadeas even if handed modern day framework for all that stuff would still choose not to label himself. because one the hassle of deciding am i really into women or is ialai just bangin (question i ask myself on the reg) is just not high on his priority list of issues to solve two i dont think he would align himself with any queer community. he just fucks dudes he doesnt want to be involved with any pride in fucking dudes. yknow? thats my hot take. is sadeas gay or bi? its none of our fucking business and im not even sure if he knows.

thats all of them i can think of im sorry if this post is extremely foul also sorry for infodumpng i am just passionate on this subject

[chocoenvy]

heyo, it’s me pretty anon. (i like it better than bully anon too :))

i think i fucked up

so, i’ll keep this simple since i need to go to bed cause it’s like 4:30am and i get up at 8 lmao.

since the cruise my dad and step-mom decided to physically split as well. my dad is signing for a divorced in the next couple of days. my step-mom is in a completely different state rn with her youngest daughter and mother. my mom mom doesn’t know about the divorced and honestly i think no one’s told her since we don’t wanna hear it.

so um, i haven’t really gotten a chance to talk to anyone about this stuff since i live in a small town and everyone knows everyone yknow? so firstly, thank you for letting me vent. it’s nice to talk to someone the same age anonymously. you give good advice.

anyway, all of this has kinda been building up on me, which is super weird cause i thought i wouldn’t care. i’m a senior in high school rn so it’s not like i can’t go visit her once i graduate. and my dad and step mom are both encouraging me to keep up a relationship with her. she wasn’t really around much and when she was it was only ever good one on one since with my dad it would be borderline abusive. (or maybe actually abusive, i’m not really sure i know how to identify it. it just seems normal to me)

my dad also asked me if i had contacted my step mom like a couple days after she left. i’d been wanting to but i had no idea what to say to her. so i didn’t. he said to me, and i don’t think i’ll ever forget this, “oh. i thought you loved her.” in the most casual tone. my heart is broken. i got really upset with him and he literally could not comprehend why. i’m starting to second guess myself if i loved her or not. i know for a fact that i did, but does she know it?

so yknow the new ios 16 update? weird change of pace i know but i swear it’s important. well i just decided like an hour ago to get it and i fucking hate it. fun fact, if you have spotify on and your phone turns off then they change YOUR LOCKSCREEN to match the spotify song. wtf. well i started off hating it cause i had to scroll through over 2,000 photos just to find the exact same ones i was currently using (it’s venti and xiao btw) and i started hyperventilating.

well i was doing my daydreams when i realized the spotify thing. and i completely stopped. i had a full blown panic attack for at least 45 minutes. i was hyperventilating so hard i honestly thought i was going to passed out. i later down so i at least wouldn’t fall and everything.

i think i panicked because of all the penh up emotions that i have going on rn.

after i finally calmed down, i went over to plug in my chrome book for school. and then i remembered i had an eyebrow razor in my backpack…

i think you know what i meant when i said i fucked up.

it was only four cuts. not deep enough to draw blood except for one, all tiny on my thigh where no one can see them. i can’t believe i did it though. and the worst part, the absolute worst part is, the relief i felt? it’s like i actually have control.

i know you said the ice cube method. i’ve actually told other freinds going through a hard time about it too. but at the moment, i just wasn’t thinking straight.

im scared im gonna do it again. any ideas on what i should do? lol

with love, pretty anon

HELLO PRETTY <33 I'm so sososososo sorry for answering this so late but!

tw: self harm, relapses, sensitive topics

It's completely valid and I cannot fault you for relapsing it is a very normal part of healing. So long as you get back up, everything will be okay I promise.

But! I remembered an app that I had come across some years ago. I forgot the name and when I tried to look it up i found calm harm.

The app I thought of describes self harm as a wave. The want to harm yourself flows in and then out. It comes and goes. The trick is to distract yourself before the feeling takes over your actions. Calm Harm definitely helps with it from what I've seen. I've never tried these apps though. There are also counters that count how long you've gone without cutting if that kind of thing helps.

Would definitely recommend! As well as watching videos or creating a playlist full of videos/songs that make you happy! Find something that makes you happy and hold onto it for when you need it! I can completely understand not being in the right state of mind and forgetting it which is why you should have it on your phone so you can access it before you can access something else. It also helps if you're ever in public - or even in private - and need to calm down.

Gather resources to prepare for these down times. It'll help!

I understand that self harm can feel good, god trust me I know, but it's not worth it. There are other things that can make you feel better than self harm can. And I can't speak for you but after I self harm I just feel so much shame?? And fear?? Mostly because I don't want someone to find them but I just feel ashamed.

I can't explain it and I really don't have much room to talk because I'm still stuck in self harm. But if it means anything, I would be very proud to see you heal from this <3

I'm glad you can talk about this anonymously but if you ever need to talk to me one on one my dms are always open <3

Take care! And I'm sorry for answering so late, I hope you're okay <33