#this is what i mean by get worse. i mean trigger a manic episode | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lol-jackles · 2 years

Note

Can we get your review of Walker 3x03 please ? What did you think of the way they portrayed PTSD in the writing and the actors acting?

It is testimony to how good a show is when I didn’t notice there was no case this week. Cordell bahavior upon his return is polar opposite to the pilot episode; he didn’t avoid the homecoming dinner and instead dives right into it with manic energy and gives a graduation speech to Stella, signaling that he wants to erase the past 48 hours and pick up from before he was kidnapped on Stella’s graduation day. The speech is going well until his hand starts bleeding from under a bandana. Putting a band aide over a wound doesn’t heal the wound nor stop the trauma and it metaphorically bleeds out to the rest of the family and his colleagues: Liam is so desperate to talk to Cordell about their shared trauma that he invites himself to Cordell’s roadtrip plan with his children, Cassie belatedly realizes how dangerous her job is and doesn’t feel safe when Cordell is easily distracted at unpredictable times by triggers, Stella and August doesn’t come clean about the Mustang because they’re afraid it will break the dam and send Cordell spiraling. Teenager's worlds are small and they feel their actions have dire consequences.

Stella to Cordell: “After you were taken, college seems so small.”

Stella and August’s preoccupation with not stressing out their father led them to extreme behavior.

Colton to Stella & August: “I'm amazed the lengths you two have gone. We're talking about grand theft auto. Like, what won't you guys do for your dad.”

August: Well, you haven't seen him this summer.

Cordell finds out his children’s shenanigans and while very angry with them, it doesn’t break the dam as they fear it would and it gives them enough confidence to have a heart-to-heart talk and Cordell realizes how he handled his trauma wasn’t wholly effective because everybody took his lead by not talking and in the process, shut down their feelings and put aside their issues for the sake of “the equilibrium”, as Abaline said. He promised Stella that he will figure this out, the same promise he gives to Cassie when she drops by with cake.

Like the Walker family, Cassie also held back from having a real conversation with Cordell because she thought it would be “selfish” on her part to make torture that Cordell endured to be about her, meaning her concern for her own safety. She also is likely feeling guilt because it was her case that brought the kidnapper’s attention to Cordell. So Cassie put aside her own feelings for months until she couldn’t anymore and communicated her concern to Cordell.

People don’t always handle things the “right” way. Cordell has rarely handled his PTSD the “right way”, starting when he self-exiled at the start of season 1 which progressed to avoidant attachment, inconsistent caregiving; in season 2 it was difficulties sleeping, flashbacks, mistrust of others, and yelling at August, and now avoidance in season 3. The show does a pretty good job showing that Cordell isn’t always aware that some of his actions are result of his trauma. Cordell seems to live in constant fear that everyone knows what happened to him and now thanks to Julia’s article, they have a very good idea. He then does what many do: he pushes down his feelings and hides them from others in an attempt to look well-adjusted and emotionally stable. It’s a coping mechanism that worked well for him in the cage, so he sees no issue with applying it to life.

Avoidance is a common symptom of PTSD. They avoid situations and reminders of their trauma in order avoid triggers. Unfortunately for Liam, he’s a walking talking trigger for Cordell and why he avoids talking to Liam. Worse, Cordell is the only person that Liam wants to talk to, and it sends Cordell into more avoidance spiral. Now Liam feels that he is emotionally cut off from not only Cordell, but the rest of the family until finally Bonham (after being prodded by Abby) steps in.

Same trauma can look different in different people. Every person with PTSD is different. What’s one person’s issue and causes are not someone else’s. Just like people do not all grieve all at once equivalently, even if they all suffer the same loss. What triggers one is not the problem for someone else even if they were in the same situation. Suddenly the Walker family found themselves with 2 men with PTSD but very different triggers and opposing needs. They decide to Cordell’s lead, perhaps out of guilt for their mishandling back in season 1. The family adopts the same avoidance technique as Cordell because at least they know his trigger. I don’t know what’s Liam’s trigger and it seems neither he nor the family knows either? Maybe that’s the main reason why they’re following Cordell’s lead.

Even though Cordell is in therapy, and I assume Liam is too, neither character is asking for help and that only compounds their symptoms. Avoiding trauma-related thoughts or feelings, including each other, is a very realistic behavior of survivors. They might see this as protective, as Cordell does, but it is actually a symptom that needs to be further explored. Realistically, too, part of why Cordell does not talk to Liam is that he also blames himself. Liam was taken because Cordell refused to break under his captors.

I expect this PTSD arc to last several episodes, but Cordell isn’t and won’t be defined by his PTSD because he doesn’t owe much to his illness beyond its symptoms. His overall personality was defined before the trauma(s) that disabled him. The healing process is not a linear, step-by-step checklist and I suspect that Cordell doesn’t just have PTSD, he also has complex PTSD because it started in his childhood when he was framed for murder at age 14. It may explain why he was a “hellraiser in high school”. Cordell was able to excel in the marines and then the rangers because he already developed skills to deal with the unknown, in other words, the past trauma serves as a skill set of its own. It’s like how some people at the start of the pandemic didn’t struggle with worsening anxiety or depression like a lot of people because the former was already functioning with a baseline of stress that was completely throwing others. Mental illness doesn’t make define people. Beyond the physical and mental symptoms, most people are the same people they were before the trauma.

My score: 9 out of 10.

#Walker #ptsd #jared padalecki

81 notes · View notes

frostythefrostedfox · 2 years

Photo

Kane & Lynch, does that name ring a bell? No? Good! That means you’re still a good person.

Kane & Lynch is a series of games, Kane & Lynch: Dead Men and Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days, that never saw much success and was destined to obscurity, and honestly that is the best part about it, why? Because if it was a popular franchise, I would be worried for everyone’s mental stability, or lack of, in this case.

There are many reasons why these games never did particularly well despite having graphics that can still hold up to this day, an amazing atmosphere, a good enough sountrack, gameplay that never got too stale albeit a little too simplistic and generic, but the main reason was because this game had no audience, this game was made for nobody, you will not relate to this game, you will not enjoy this story, and you totally wont want to hear what it has to say about you, why? Because this is a game about horrible people that does horrible things while being aware of it the entire time.

Kane and Lynch: Dead Men doesn’t puts you in the shoes of a wronged cop trying to set the world straight, it doesn’t makes you the hero that has to defy all the odds, and it totally doesn’t makes you a redeemable antihero like Travis or Shadow, no, you don’t get any of this here, what you get (and also the opening cinematic for the game) is a guy named Kane that has been sentenced to death penalty, what for? Your guess is as good as mine, but you can bet anything that he deserves it.

The game begins with Kane writing a letter for his daughter, a daughter he never knew or saw other than in pictures, in said letter he is not apologizing or trying to justify his actions, instead what he writes is “The only feeling I have left is regret, regret that I never get to see you, to know you”, and that is the only moment of “feelings” you will ever get on this game, after that, the reality, Kane’s reality, sets in real fast, with no previous warning or even him wanting to, he is bailed out of prison on his way to his execution and forced to cooperate with his, in lack of a better term, new captors; these captors are soon revealed to be The Seven, and they have been hunting Kane ever since he betrayed them during a past job, running away with all the money and leaving them for dead, warning him that he has 3 weeks to recover what he stole from them or they’ll kill both his ex-wife and daughter.

If that sounds like a lot is because it is, this game never stops to explain anything, the story is told only by bits and pieces of dialogue that you’ll hopefully catch a glympse of, just like it would be IRL, nobody is gonna stop and give a 10 minute monologue over why they are there, specially if the characters already know each other; this lack of clarification and proper guidelines set the tone pretty quickly as well, everything feels like it is barely hold together, nothing makes quite sense and you wish you could ask a few more questions but since there are 50 enemies surrounding you at all times, the few lines that you got will have to do, it creates a feeling of rushness and improvisation that, for the most part, is how the game should feel, as Kane himself doesn’t even has a plan, he just got an objective to meet and no pointers or any idea on how to make it happen; and to make matters worse, he has a personal watchdog, Lynch, a pretty interesting guy as he is one of the few characters that manages the feat of being a worse person than Kane himself, and not because he wants to, he just has bad luck, suffering from hallucinations and severe manic episodes that make him lose consciousness and black out into a blind rage against everything and everyone that surrounds him, he never knows what’ll trigger it next or when it’ll happen, it will just happen and he’ll be left alone to pick up the pieces.

The gameplay is integrated in a, more or less, seamless way with its narrative aspects, you don’t have an ammo counter for the guns, you only get a total ammo and you yourself are responsible to count your bullets, just like it would be IRL; stand idle for long enough or press E and you will reload your gun.

This game is one of those that incorporates a “downed” stage before dying so you have the chance of getting back on your feet and keep fighting instead of having to replay a whole stage, but not everything is roses and dandelions, you are revived with srynges of Adrenalin, which, for those that do not know, is the thing that makes your heart beat faster and get all excited and full of energy, medically this is also used as a way to kickstart a fading pulse, as it forces the heart into a rush and can save a person, in fact, it saves you in the game, but this is not just a fun gimmick, because just like real life, use too much of it and you’ll flatline yourself by, basically, making your heart explode, this mechanic is not defined by a limited set of times or anything similar, instead your difficulty setting changes how long do you need to wait to use it again safely, and each usage of it, instead of outright killing you or sending you into a gameover, just works on a luck based gamble, the more you use it, the bigger the probability of you having a heart attack, but you can also get lucky and be revived 3 times in a row like it was nothing, or be very unlucky and not survive your first revival.

Speaking of downed and semi-conscious states. Each time you get downed the screen will flash white and then it will start slowly losing its colours until it becomes black and white, when that happens, you have bled out, namely, you lost; but getting downed is not just a fancy addition, as each time you do, you’ll hear your own thoughts and consciousness fading, as the audio gets distorted around you, and you start to hear Kane’s (or Lynch’s, if you’re playing co-op) last dying thoughts, in case of Kane, they are usually bits related to his past and his remorse over not meeting his daughter; this game really doesn’t wants you to forget that, for people like you, not even death is enough of a punishment.

Something that I consider unique about this game is its “crew” system, you can order the members of your crew to do things like defend a position, follow you or attack an enemy, pretty basic features, except that each one of them, even Lynch, has their own personalities and degree of cooperation, so at random they can refuse to obey your commands, or instead do something entirely different, and that is not limited to their movement because, what happens when you run out of ammo? If your teammates have the same type of ammo you need, your character will yell asking for more, and those that can replenish your ammo, will reply back, but that is also completely optional, as giving you ammo also takes ammo from them, so is entirely up to them to share, or not; and if you noticed how I said “character” instead of a name? That’s because that is exactly how the multiplayer works, a weird coop-pvp mixmatch that managed to destroy the entire internet.

Wait what? This game destroyed the internet and nobody knows of its existence? Well yes! Thanks to the introduction of achievements on PS3 and Xbox 360, there was an achievement called True Elite, awarded to the number 1 player worldwide and allowing you to play as Kane, and Celebrity, awarded to the number 2 and allowing you to play as Lynch, meaning that rising up those ranks was a proof of status, the higher you were, the more people wanted to play with you, but that’s the nice side of things, the ugly and bad side? Well, like I mentioned before, this game has a mix between coop and pvp in a way that it is both at the same time, each match will begin with a group of heisters trying to rob a place or get an objective, but there was no limitations whatsoever, there was nothing keeping you from killing the rest of your teammates to collect their share and keep all for yourself, and for those that were unlucky to be betrayed, they could have their second chance, spawning back into the game as cops, killing a heister meaning leaving them out of the match while at the same time respawning as a heister and stealing their accumulated money; now, again, how did this broke the internet? By being exactly what it tried to be, how? Well, the multiplayer mode, called Fragile Alliance is exactly, a fragile alliance between unknown criminals, each one is there for their own gain, and how did that translated to the real world? Well, several threads on TrueAchievements, an old website dedicated to achievement hunting prove testimony to an underworld that was created inside the game for the sake of two achievements, meaningless titles outside the game, clans would go at war with each other for entire weeks or months, boost alt accounts to hog the top spots, block the leaderboard by playing only against themselves and demanding REAL MONEY in form of Xbox live cards or xbox gold for a chance to be allowed to participate in these matches or even be allowed anywhere near, most of these setups ended up being scams where unsuspecting players would get killed endlessly until their rank would decrease even further or engage in Antiboosting, which was a practice of using poorly ranked accounts to make your match not gain you any positions in the leaderboard due to you playing against opponents that were too underlevelled for you, this led to the reset of the leaderboards between 3 to 5 times, and a monthly reset system was put in place after last time; I guess that it does prove the point the game was trying to make about “Thieves’ honor”

So far I’ve only talked about aspects relating to the gameplay and the atmosphere surrounding the game, and that’s it for now, but I’ll keep making walls of text about both the story, the soundtrack and the details that stood up to me the most, and obviously, fangirling about its sequel, Dog Days, which is another one of my favourite games.

#kane and lynch #wall of text #rant #whydoiobsessovergamesthatnobodyplayed?

3 notes · View notes

chasing-rabbits · 9 months

Text

Everything around me is broken, so so broken. I am so broken, there’s so much wrong with me and I’m trying so hard to fix it but every time one thing improves another gets worse or its something new.

This year I got diagnosed with 2 new mental illnesses, I found out I actually have type 1 Bipolar & that my medication wasn’t actually working the way I thought it had. I ended up having milder manic episodes earlier this year & that the time I thought it was working could just be my ‘natural cycle’. I found out I really genuinely have been through every single drug available to me except for lithium & 1 other drug they can try to add alongside my current medication but that’s it. So I’m on drugs that aren’t 100% working & I have little to no options left available if my full blown mania returns. My Bipolar depression returned after the mania & I’d forgotten just how bad the Bipolar depression can be. My BPD is what it is, triggered by things in my life, stress, & there’s been plenty of that. I’m in therapy to treat the Complex PTSD I was diagnosed w/ earlier this year & that’s been tough because up until family therapy over COVID I’d buried a lot of it & now I’ve opened Pandora’s box so I’m worse than I was before starting therapy but working towards changing that. I was also dx’d w/ panic disorder that they can’t treat w/ the drugs they’d usually use because as my psych said to me ‘giving someone w/ bipolar anti depressants is like giving a diabetic candy’. Unfortunately my anxiety has gotten worse since COVID. And every time I think I am making progress towards something better I just get knocked down. It’s never ending & I havent even started on my declining physical health but this posts long enough. I’ve just had a lot of shit dealt my way & sometimes it feels like I’m not going to make it out to the other side that everyone is so confident exists for me.

Sometimes it helps to vent all this out I guess just all the things that are giving me anxiety & stress, everything thats happened this year that’s weighing on me it just feels too much. I mean I am just one person how am I meant to deal with all of this. How am I meant to maintain this faith that things will get better? I turn 30 In January, how much longer will I have to go through all of this to get to a point where things just aren’t so hard, I’m not even going to say happier just more bearable, liveable I just want the bare minimum & that just seems too much to ask for right now.

#erin talks #erin rambles #prsnl #long post #mentally ill #bipolar #bpd #cptsd #depression

1 note · View note

poguesarerogues · 2 years

Note

We lnow that rafe is a pyscho and i love the way you write him like he is. In your chase series he has a gun and points it at the girl running away from him. But what if the girl was his girlfriend and it was consensual. Do you think that rafe would enjoy pointing the gun at someone like for example his girlfriend? Do you think he'd point a gun at them even if he isn't angry or trying to catch them or scare them? What if his girlfriend like guns like she has a gun kink?

🔞Warnings: (nsfw) mentions of Smut🔞Please don’t read if you are a minor

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pointing a gun at someone isn’t something that is anything new to Rafe, but he certainly never imagined that the person he’d be aiming at would enjoy having it pointed at them. What kind of sick fuck gets off on having a loaded weapon pointed at them while they’re being fucked? What’s even crazier is that you had asked him to stick the barrel of the gun in your mouth and watch as you suck on it like it was his own cock in your mouth rather than a metal object that could blow your brains out. How did he end up with someone who he would consider even worse off than him mentally? Sure, you haven’t murdered anyone like he has but surely having a gun kink would put you up there in the top ranks on anyone’s ‘looney toon’ list.

Choking, bondage, degradation, wax, whips, overstimulation, spanking, spitting, pissing… Rafe doesn’t mind those kinks but a fucking gun kink? Hell, he’d be up for having a threesome or even a god damn gang bang more than this, and if there’s anything that anyone knows about Rafe Cameron it’s that he HATES sharing what’s his.

Now, of course Rafe has obliged your requests to fulfill your sexual fantasies, at least up to this point he has, but he knows damn well that he’ll draw the line at shoving the gun inside you if you ask. No matter how much you may end up begging him, Rafe WILL NOT fuck you with his gun. Only his cock is allowed to be in you like that. He could just imagine the worst-case scenario becoming reality and he’d have no idea, nor no desire to be cleaning up your blasted open remains if his gun where to go off inside you.

How is his dick still hard when he’s thinking of these things while he continues to drag the weapon across your body while he thrusts into you at a controlled pace so that he doesn’t lose his focus? Surely, it’s got to be the fact that he’s the one fucking you and not his gun because he certainly isn’t enjoying the role that his inanimate companion is playing in making you feel like you’re on cloud nine.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, anyway, I give a lot of kudos to authors that can write Rafe as anything BUT a pyschotic maniac. That's TRUE talent! but thanks :)

Considering that Rafe has shown signs that he doesn't want to be the way that he is, that he has claimed that he becomes that way to make his father proud of him or to help his father, etc. Think back to the episode where they all think that Ward is dead and he apologizes to Sarah for what he did and telling her that he'll work on getting better. I don't necessarily think that he'd enjoy being around someone who'd want to be involved in kinks that could possibly trigger his manic murderer side of him since he knows just how easy it is from him to lose control of his sanity. I mean, think about the episode where he's trying to tell Ward that he isn't ok and he begins to panic before Ward tells him to 'man up' :( Poor boy! Do you think that he'd enjoy doing things to someone that he may have feelings for that would make him think that no one cares about his mental health because it triggers him so much?

I, personally, don't think he would.

NOW, if he went full on bastard mode and was already in the dark mindset than that is an entirely different situation. Insane Rafe doesn't think or do things the same way that sane Rafe does.

#ghost replies #asks #rafe smut #rafe obx #rafe cameron #rafe #rafe x you #rafe x reader #outer banks smut #rafe imagine #rafe cameron smut #rafe outer banks #outer banks fanfiction #obx smut #rafe fanfiction

97 notes · View notes

helbramstrauma · 3 years

Text

This is the result of a 2am manic episode. Enjoy <3

Nightmares

Feitan x GN!Reader

Quick note

You can consider this a parallel writing to DREAM, which was posted recently. You do not have to read it to understand this, but If you like this you can check it out.

Trigger warning

Angst, hurt-comfort, nightmares, vague description of an injury, second-person POV.

___________________________________________________________

The night wind howls through the open window causing a chill to come into the makeshift bedroom, although that is not what wakes you. The constant shift of and squeaking on the other side of the bed is what did. Feitan is tossing and turning next to you, you are not meant to wake up people when they have nightmares, it's dangerous. The most you should do is observe. Pressing your back against the wall to sit up you watch, his face contorts in the worst of ways, raw emotions he would usually hide are on full display. Despite the cool temperature of the room, Feitan is sweating profusely and his jaw is clenched. Feitan looks like he is in pain, the tenseness of his face is hard to watch, and his body begins to shake. How are you meant to just sit and wait for him to wake up?

You are no fool, Feitan could kill you if you woke him up right now without him even knowing. The familiar taste of iron enters your mouth as you realize you have been biting your lip. If he's asleep he won't be able to fight as well, right? You hope so at least. When you gently rub an area where an artery passes through it is the calmest way to wake someone. Taking one final deep breath before you begin to press your hand lightly to the jugular vein.

Snap

Sharp pain is felt in your wrist while the rest of your body is forced forward onto his chest. Your hurt wrist is under you, as the weight of your own body adds to the pain. The grip on your wrist falters swiftly after, however, your eyes are already watering by the time you hear your voice.

"y/n?" you hear in a hushed whisper, quickly followed by in a louder but more shaky voice. Using your other hand to push yourself up, you can see his face, his eyes are wide in the horror of what he has done. "it's my fault I should not have tried to wake you" a tear manages your way down your cheek before you wipe it.

"Let me see" Feitan carefully grabs your wrist and begins to examine it. "Broke" is said in a defeated tone. "I broke," his own guilt only adds to your heavy heart. You only wanted him to be taken away from his nightmares, not to be brought into the reality he is now facing. "I hurt... no" his sentences are choppy and after a while, you begin to hear his voice waver eventually to a whisper you can't make out. With your uninjured hand you bring his face up to yours, "I should not have woken you. I just didn't want to see you hurting from your dream. But now I just made it worse" His head shakes your hand away, "You didn't know what you were doing".

"But you wanted to help me, and I hurt you" He begins to leave the bed but you grab his hand.

"Please stay, don't blame yourself," you say but he keeps moving to break the grasp, "it's cold without you, come back" your second attempt makes him stop moving. "No one is at fault, I'll just take some painkillers and compress it tonight." Feitan turns are around to face you again, his watery eyes catch the dim light provided by the moon, as your heart breaks with the sight. "But I hurt you"

Desperately you reach out to him, "What was your nightmare about?" you ask hoping to get his mind off the reality, as you go into the supply bag to make a makeshift brace. The bed sinks down as he returns to bed, "Dark, it was cold. I was in a house, photos of us were on the wall. But there was no you." he lets out a sigh, "I could not find you and then I hurt you" you realized he was no longer talking about his dream at that point. Feitan's arms wrap around your waist pulling you into the familiar warm embrace, which you instinctively reciprocate.

"In your dream, that means we have a future together," you observe desperate to lighten the mood, "we had a house. We no longer had to move around from abandon building abandoned building". Feitan pulls away letting his hands rest on either side of your hips, "but you were gone"

"But I'm here now," you begin showing a shadow of a smile, "I'm not leaving you"

"I hurt you" he repeats for what feels like the hundredth time. "I love, but I hurt".

Your eyes light up slightly, before seeing his somber expression, he said the L-word. "I still love you, it was an accident with no malicious intent."

You feel his hands climb up to up your cheeks before pulling you into his own. The familiar sensation of his lips on your's somehow eases the pain in your wrist, even if it is just in your head. He then lays down with you still on top of him before turning you over to your side so your head was in your chest.

"Let us go back to sleep, and you better not let go of me"

"I will not, as long as you let me hold you". Feitan's grip tightens bringing you closer to his chest allowing your legs to tangle together. This is rare for him to initiate contact but you certainly cannot complain. With your face nuzzled close to his chest, you whisper softly, "sweet dreams".

#hunter x hunter #hxh #feitan porter #feitan #feitan x reader #feitan hxh #hunter x 2011 #fanfiction #Helbramstrauma #This was a manic episode

106 notes · View notes

everything-laito · 4 years

Text

if I don’t have tendinitis by the end of writing this series, I am officially immortal. anyways here’s the long awaited Laito and Cordelia analysis: Part I

Hi, Corn here! Holy shit I’ve been wanting to write this for forever now; idk how long this series will be but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I’m gonna wing it.

Lemme get something REAL clear before I begin. Because for some fucking reason I still see people trying to say that Cordelia did not molest/rape/etc Laito. Cuz she did. It’s called grooming and manipulation, sweetie. And I’ll explain that too.

Also, I’m not defending or justifying Cordelia’s actions (there’s a difference between explaining why something happens and defending it. For example, we know racism is harmful and awful, but explaining what it is and why it happens isn’t defending it). I also don’t defend Laito’s nonconsensual or abusive actions either on here, I also wanna clarify that. I just merely explain his theorized rationale and psyche.

God I don’t even know where to start, or where this is exactly going to end, but my god, time to pop off. I’m going to divide this into sections as well.

Also I think this is usually a given with all the Laito stuff I put on here, but, spoilers ahead! And trigger warnings galore! Pedophilia/rape/abuse/grooming/depression/anxiety are the ones I can think of now, but all of those are really a given on this blog. Just wanna emphasize it because I’m gonna go deep into em.

As always,,,,, rant under the cut~!

Section 1: Before the Storm (insert Life is Strange joke here)

There’s quite a bit of back and forth about where Cordelia started doing this. I just finished Dark Fate and the conversation between the triplets caught my eye. Laito mentions in his Dark Fate Ecstacy Epilogue that implies Cordelia wasn’t abusive at first. It’s revealed how Karlheinz used Cordelia just for his Adam and Eve experiment to create a new human race, which is why he blatantly ignores her after courting her and making her have kids that she didn’t even wanna have. Which is. Yikes. I’d say that’s a form of coercive pregnancy abuse.

The conversation turns to Laito who then says that Cordelia lost her mind due to of sexual frustration and then hurt the triplets. Sexual frustration is a real and common thing, but I’m gonna explain the potential logistics of this being turned into abuse.

Sexual frustration in general can be described as a sense of “dissatisfaction stemming from a discrepancy between a person’s desired and achieved sexual activity” (source). I know it’s from Wikipedia but the phrasing of that definition is just too perfect. (also Wikipedia’s good just to get the basics from ;) ) Sexual frustration can happen from physical, mental, emotional, social, religious, or spiritual barriers. Everyone has some kind of ideal sexual activity, whether it be innate and or learned (like getting used to sexual acts over time, whether that be from a traumatic or consensual experience). However, I can safely say that Cordelia has high libido, regardless of the reason.

Oxytocin, my absolute favorite hormone to talk about, is huge in this case. Touch starvation (what I’d say most of us are going through now because of quarantine) also depends on oxytocin level. We’re social creatures, and we need touch in some way. Having sexual needs is also not a thing to be shameful of (if you do have them), since that is also very human and very biological. Oxytocin is needed for so many things! From social bonding, sexual bonding, reproduction in general, and general emotional wellbeing. Everyone has different levels of oxytocin needs. With a lack of oxytocin, whether it causes sexual frustration or touch starvation (or both), it can create fear, anxiety, and or depression. This has to do with my favorite part of the brain, the amygdala. It’s this lil almond shaped part (hence, amygdala, which is Latin for “almond”) is responsible for empathy, your fight and flight response, as well as SO many other things. I’ll talk more about the amygdala later, because I’m getting off track.

Back to the logistics of oxytocin deficiency and abuse. Basically, I didn’t initially think that touch starvation or sexual frustration could get so bad that someone would resort to abuse. Haven’t found anything that supports that either. However, since it is linked to depression and stress, I do believe Cordelia would have other underlying psychological issues that made her response to depression and stress just so much worse. It’s kind of obvious that Karlheinz absurd her, and when someone goes through a traumatic episode, there’s different coping mechanisms or different emotions are triggered. Maybe even before Karlheinz she had issues, but we will never know. I just know that Cordelia seems susceptible to some kind of manic episodes, such as mood swings and intense behaviors.

Dark Fate confirms that Karlheinz most likely used this, and used Cordelia due to her Founder blood and that her psyche was “optimal” to eventually have the triplets kill her. Karl can see the future and past etc, I believe that was confirmed in Lost Eden too. Anyways, all of this paves the way to what Cordelia did to the triplets.

Section 2: The Beginning

There’s been quite a bit of back and forth between when did Cordelia start sexually abusing Laito? We know that Kanato and Ayato were abused when they were young, but there’s no flashbacks in Laito’s routes that depicts him being a child (to my knowledge). Not saying Laito wasn’t abused when he was a child, but I can assure you that the first time Cordelia had explicit sex with Laito was when he was older.

Special thanks to @vampiretsuki and @amiecris for helping me think this through on Zara’s server!

There hasn’t been any flashbacks that specifically show us the first time that happened. However, I believe that there was a flashback in HDB that shows one of the first times. Here’s a scene from Laito’s Dark Epilogue:

Cordelia: ー Laito…Laito… Laito: …Hm? Is something the matter? Cordelia: I have a favor to ask. It just isn’t enough. You can do it, right Laito? Laito: You really are something…So that’s why you came to me again? Cordelia: Fufufu…That’s right, Laito. Come on, quickly… Laito: …Guess it can’t be helped. I’ll love you plenty. Cordelia: Aah…My cute Laito~ I love you. I really do. Laito: I can do it…right? Cordelia: Of course, Laito. Now, quickly…

First of all, ew. Second of all, Laito’s diction implies that this was maybe the second or third time this occurred. He asks a question, and ends it with “again.” We know by this that it is not the first time, but the question also means that Laito might not have expected to occur again. His tone also implies some surprise to it, at least in my ears. His other question, “I can do it, right?” screams hesitance to me. If this scene took place down the line, or after many times he did this with Cordelia, I don’t believe he’d be some level of surprised or hesitance.

Now, you may be thinking, “Oh! What about Ayato and Laito’s Versus II CD?! Didn’t it mention that Laito wasn’t in the triplet’s shared bed 9/10 times?!” And yeah, if you remembered that, kudos to you! Yes, you’re totally right. I thought this was some inconsistent writing, but I don’t believe so. I believe Cordelia was grooming Laito as a kid. For some reason, grooming never came to my mind, it was Tsuki who mentioned grooming, and Cris also backed that notion up. It’s not confirmed if Cordelia planned to do this to Laito in the beginning (which I doubt, I think she sexually exploited him on a whim due to sexual frustration and because Karl wouldn’t; and the suitors she had wasn’t “enough” for her) but I think it’s implied that it happened (from the earlier excerpt). As for grooming, here’s an excerpt from the VS II CD:

Ayato: You weren’t even there 9 out of the 10 times. Laito: So you knew, Ayato-kun. Ayato: … Laito: You know, I have been thinking how I came to be the person I am today. I am still wondering why wasn’t it Ayato-kun or Kanato-kun.

God that’s so SAAAD! This is why Laito being groomed from a young age would make sense. It would also make sense as to why he was so dismissive and hesitant to help Ayato out. In Ayato’s flashbacks, Laito is there, but doesn’t interfere when Cordelia gets into the picture. Laito tends to run away from his problems, and this manifests even when he’s a kid. To further the support of the claim, it’s definitely not farfetched that Cordelia would do something to a child, especially her own child. She used Kanato for his singing voice when she was having sex..... yikes. That’s another form of sexual exploitation. So uh, let’s dive right into see what grooming does,,,,, *opens another private window* Here’s the source I’ll be using too.

Grooming is a process that is typically used to sexually exploit children. Ewewewewewewew. It can be a quick or gradual process. It’s basically harnessing the trust in children utilizing constant contact. There’s not much explicit evidence describing this with Cordelia, but if Laito wasn’t sexually exploited when he was younger in the fashion he was “used” to when he got older, again I do think he was groomed. It would make sense as to why he either avoided conflict with Cordelia as a child. Either that was his own disposition (which to a degree I think it is), or maybe he was confused about Cordelia’s actions towards his other brothers, since he “loved” Cordelia. Young Laito typically fell silent when Cordelia entered the room, which again could be because of his disposition, fear, or he knows not to say much in front of her.

During the grooming process, a child can result in not being able to see coercion and deception. In general, kids 7 years old and under biologically are not able to differentiate persuasion from their own decisions, which results in the laws surrounding advertisements catering to children. Fun fact. I know we’re dealing with vampires and so their brains might not work like that, but from what I’ve seen, they’re pretty human. Also, we’re still not sure about their ages or how vampire biological ages work, but bear with me on this.

Another stage of grooming involves cutting off the child’s support system, whether it be family, friends, etc. I made a comment in an analysis that Laito doesn’t have a support system, and at the very least, his brothers. But even that is pretty weak. You know how it’s mentioned how Laito wasn’t even in bed with Ayato and Kanato most of the time? That’s probably due to Cordelia weakening Laito’s bonds with them. Furthermore, on the website I’m using to get information from, it says this:

Control and alienation is exercised in the following ways:

[more bullet points here]

- creating conflicting feelings of love and hate, protection and exploitation, guilt and innocence, entitlements and duties.

OOOOOHHHHHH BBBBBOOOOOYYYYYY!!!!! Ayato and Kanato say that they fucking hate Cordelia. But... Laito’s the only one that says he “loves” her. He also says that he hates her. So, from this, I think it might be safe to say that Cordelia groomed Laito as a child, and continued to use those tactics when he was older.

Well, I’m gonna end it here for part one. That was quite the ride, but I hope you enjoyed nonetheless! Next part, we’ll be getting into Laito when he’s older and the effects it had on him, along with some other crazy dark sides of psychology. I still won’t be answering many of my inbox questions until this huge analysis is finished, sorry! I kinda wanna focus on this first. But feel free to hit me up with any questions! I’ll still get to them :)

Any Cordelia/Laito questions will most likely be answered in this series, just a heads up. But if you have any questions pertaining to Cordelia/Laito right now or after the series, feel free to hit me up still! Any clarifying questions for this post or anything in general are always encouraged as well if you’re confused or want me to elaborate on something :)

Part two is planned to be up next week! See ya then ;) -Corn

#analysis #Laito sakamaki #sakamaki laito #raito sakamaki #sakamaki raito #Cordelia sakamaki #sakamaki cordelia #diabolik lovers #dialover #dialovers #dl #corn pops off again

189 notes · View notes

like-rain-or-confetti · 3 years

Note

ITS AN ASK!!!!

Okey,what would kebi and Amun do to their third mate going through a manic episode due to bipolarity?

Thanks!

WARNING: I don't have bipolar disorder. Therefore I can only go by some interpretations of bipolar and manic episodes. I only know of mania that either puts a persons emotions either really high or really low. Therefore this is what I'll be putting in my writing. I am not a professional and do not know the ins and outs so please be wary that there may be misinterpretations, mistakes or oversights. This is not intended to trigger or hurt any feelings. Read at your own risk.

Neither knew what it was at first. It was a learning process for the whole coven. However, they knew one thing for sure. These high and low moods, they weren’t you. The person who took over wasn’t you.

Lows:

You can't get out of bed.

You can't talk.

You can't even meet their gaze half of the time and it tears into them.

You're so different when you're like this.

Inconsolable even.

Exhausted.

Depressed.

Amun is terrified and avoids you because he's so scared that anything he'll say will make it worse.

Kebi's instinct is to reach out to you and try to help. However she doesn't know what to do to help.

This often leads to Kebi panicking to Amun, there was an order to things and she was the caregiver, she was the nurturer. That was her job and now she can't help you because she simply doesn't know how.

Kebi's softer and gentle, coaxing you to eat.

She spends the nights so overcome with emotion that she feels she could cry at any given moment. She understands that you're hurting but that empty look in your eyes could kill her in a second.

When you want affection, she gladly gives it and if the situation is dire, even Amun will give affection.

They don't expect you to explain in these moments.

You reaching out is all they could ever ask for and encourage it every minute.

Kebi will constantly remind you that you're loved.

In the meantime, Amun is the one who's protects you from any possible stressors in day to day life.

Highs:

You'd think given their response to the low manic episodes that they'd love the highs. No. No they don't.

Once again, a stranger is in control.

This person is thinking at a million miles per hour and they're interpretation is twisted from reality.

They noticed how happy you were. Nothing wrong with that. They were even happy to see you so happy.

Until they realised that you were too happy.

They could brush that off.

What they couldn't brush off was your impulsiveness. You suddenly wanted to spend an immense amount of money in a short time.

You were emotionally attached to small things like clothing, seemingly holding every little thing on a pedestal.

Although the final straw that they knew something was wrong, was hearing your interpretation.

"listen, I own the sphinx. It was designed for me. Famous celebrities show this huge interest in these temples and no one knows that they were designed for me. I want to make another one, you know. I could even make it residential. Ive been thinking about utilizing the space around the sphinx."

It got worse when you had somehow convinced yourself that Amun was wanting to restore his image as a god and chose you as his first disciple.

Every thought you could ever have was amplified into nonsensical madness in their eyes.

After all, they had no experience with the condition.

When you come back down, these thoughts seem like a distant dream. You almost didn't believe them.

It took the four members of the coven to really bring home the things you had said and done previously.

To their surprise, you took it well. When they pressed you on it, you explained that this had happened before.

They've learned to try not to amplify your behaviour any further. This means not losing tempers or anything like that. Patience until the episode passes, no matter how long it takes.

7 notes · View notes

suometar · 3 years

Text

youtube

Power song of the day: Wake up by Smash into Pieces

You can not resist, like a moth to a flame -- You know it will burn, but sometimes you enjoy the pain

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus) Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- From a life in fantasy -- Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- And realize it's not meant to be -- You stumble in the dark cause you close your eyes -- Guided by the sweet talk lullaby -- But someday you will wake up -- You will wake up From a life in fantasy -- Wake up!

You try to cut everyone out of your life -- So no one can question how you can believe the lies

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus)

You're in the fire, what do you do? -- You wake up -- The final round is waiting for you

(Chorus)

Why? Well...

I'm coming down from mania.

Which sucks. And here's a glimpse into my 30 or so years experience of this nonsense.

But before I say more I want to say to everyone who I have been venting during the last month or so:

Please don't think that you have contributed in making my situation worse. You haven't. The fuel for all of it comes from within myself. I am nothing but crateful that I have had a chance to vent to someone because otherwise it all would've just clumped inside me and that would've made the situation worse.

And besides, not all venting has been caused just by mania. When I'm manic it doesn't remove the normal thoughts and feelings I have.

When you're stuck in a tar pit created by a certain person for who knows how many years in a row it's obvious it's not just the mania. I think you guys know what that's like :D

Coming down is like a really really really REALLY bad hangover

Except that you can remember every single thing you've done, the things you've felt, the things you've planned, what you thought of. EVERYTHING.

And you KNOW they're all just a result of the chemical imbalance of your own brain.

Coming down doesn't mean necessarily that I'm now depressed. It's just getting back to your normal state from mania.

But the bad hangover is real. If you've experienced that you know what it's like. Regrets after regrets.

What's mania like

That ecstacy of mania is an immense rush you don't really know unless you've experienced it yourself.

It's difficult to describe, but I think falling in love really hard and fast is the closest that describes it best. You have butterflies in your stomach all the time, you're hyperfixating on that one person and you feel invincible, like everything in your life is finally perfect and you're in control like never before.

Or even better: It's like being on speed, except without the drugs. Overstimulated 24-7-365.

Hyperfixation is typical for mania

In my case the hyperfixation can be basically anything from men (real or fictional, doesn't really matter lol) to any action, hobby or even work, totally depends on the situation.

What I do is I dedicate all my time to that one thing and one thing only even though I know it's not healthy.

Thank god I've learned to control it so that it won't take ALL of my time anymore, but it still is there. And I need to cater it to some extent or I won't be able to do anything.

It's like having a parasite you can't get rid of but you can make it behave if you give it some attention from time to time.

What's real and what's not? That is the question

When you're having mania it's sometimes super hard to differentiate what's a real thought and what is based on the illusion created by your own mind. And even though I am nowadays capable to tell the difference of my real thoughts/feelings and the ones fueled by mania the later ones do have an effect on me even though I try not to react to them.

The tricky thing is that your body can't tell the difference of a so called real/normal thought/feeling and one created inside my head fueled by mania.

A manic person wants nothing more than get more of the dopamine that fuels the ecstacy. Which easily can lead to a psychotic episode/period.

The saddest part is that manic person usually looks and behaves exactly like any normal person. You can't tell from outside if someone is having mania unless they choose to show it. Psychotic then usually is clearly psychotic and erratic and behaves totally out of character.

Triggers for mania

Anything can basically be a trigger for mania and they vary from person to person. For me it's usually one of the following:

an extreme negative change in life (such as death, divorce or other big things like that),

finding a new crush,

intensive concentration on some activity,

social media, or

as surprising as it might be: music. Especially any with a faster tempo.

Usually though I have already been somewhat hypomanic before the real mania hits. Hypomania though is very hard to notice because I'm somewhat easily excited and impulsive already by nature.

But I've lived with this so long that I know when it's going overboard. My manic mind just usually chooses to say it's nothing and I believe it like a fool - because it feels so good.

This time the trigger for me was intensive concentrating on writing. While the writing was crucial in easing my general anxiety this time it had this unfortunate side effect.

Nonetheless, I'm not quitting writing. Because the anxiety has eased significantly from when I started. I probably need to change the subject for a while and not to write daily or limit it just for 30 mins a day.

How a new crush can happen when you're married, you ask?

Oh, easily. See, with a manic mind a marriage is nothing but an obstacle. Nothing is but an obstacle that is designed to limit you. Because you're omnipotent. And obstacles - well, they're made to be conquered or plowed through.

In my case I've chosen to keep my crushes online and physically as far away from me as possible. I've made a mistake of crushing into someone irl and that was UGLY for all parties involved.

Thirsting over someone from afar online while remaining happily married is by far a better option.

How to control mania or turn it off

Yes, you can turn it off. The problem with that is that usually manic person doesn't

feel like something is wrong, and

doesn't want to get down from the high.

But there are things you can do to get it end sooner.

Log off from all social media. Seriously. Don't just turn notifications off - LOG OFF.

If that's not enough, remove all the social media apps from your phone. You can always install them again.

Turn off your phone if it's possible.

Don't use computer unless it is absolutely necessary - like for paying bills. You don't need to find out what age Barbara Streissand is at 2:30am - or, well, ever.

Social media is by far the biggest contributor for mania. The apps are designed to give us a dopamine rush each time we scroll down any feed and see a new post. That's how they keep us stuck on them.

When you already have an issue with the dopamine rush using social media just makes it worse.

You won't miss anything if you log off for two days or a week. SERIOUSLY. But it will improve your well-being tremendously.

The absolutely best thing you can do is to create as dull environment to yourself as possible. That there's nothing artificial you can drown yourself into. Best place to be in mania is in the middle of the woods without any mobile signal - trust me.

Take up an activity where you do something with your hands. Hands-on approach is crucial.

Doing things with your hands will root you into the real world.

It doesn't matter what it is: cooking, cleaning, handcrafts, drawing or painting (NOT on a computer or ipad but with real pencils/crayons/paints/brushes/etc).

Remember not to do just that though. Go out (without your phone). Enjoy the nature. Listen to the sounds of the outside world. Don't close your senses with headphones. Read. Watch out of the window. Stare at the wall. Watch the paint dry.

LET YOURSELF GET BORED.

Just stay away from any electronic devices.

The hangover is horrible but it'll pass. And you will feel better afterwards when you're functional again.

------

It's not easy. None of us chose to live with bipolar. It's always inherited. But there are ways to work through it.

I hope this helps at least someone.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

#bipolar disorder #bipolar #bipolar mania #coping skills #mental health tips #thoughts from the crypt #long post

14 notes · View notes

draganasimpsforjeff · 3 years

Text

If anyone is curious

So I figured there should be a time on when I should share my mental illnesses, even though it's none of anyone business, I still want to be open about it especially those with questions.

I will say though don't take what I say about MY conditions to mean the same for others who have it/ they because everyone deals with it different and has different experiences.

This is a bit of a list and I have gotten people in the past who said they don't believe someone can have this many mental conditions, but hey buddy, FUCK YOU.

Anyways,

here's the list:

ADHD( first diagnosed at 7 and then got it double checked at 16

BPD- Borderline Personality Disorder

Bipolar Disorder

ASPD- Antisocial Personality Disorder

GAD- Generalized Anxiety Disorder

My biggest ones that make everyday harder for me is my BPD, Bipolar, and ADHD.

This is information found online explaining each of the disorders, but I will say I hate how a lot of people especially those in psychology rather not deal with someone that has bi polar and borderline personality disorder because it's harder to deal with and each trigger, cycle and all that is difficult to identify or handle. And a lot of people depict us as "awful people"

when it was people like that that made us develop these disorders. Anyways, here's what "professionals" explain each as:

1. ADHD-

A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness.

ADHD often begins in childhood and can persist into adulthood. It may contribute to low self-esteem, troubled relationships, and difficulty at school or work. Symptoms include limited attention and hyperactivity

SYMPTOMS:

Behavioral: aggression, excitability, fidgeting, hyperactivity, impulsivity, irritability, lack of restraint, or persistent repetition of words or actions

Cognitive: absent-mindedness, difficulty focusing, forgetfulness, problem paying attention, or short attention span

Mood: anger, anxiety, boredom, excitement, or mood swings

2. Borderline Personality Disorder (wasn't diagnosed with it until 16)

A mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.

The cause of borderline personality disorder isn't well understood. Diagnosis is made based on symptoms. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

SYMPTOMS:

Behavioral: antisocial behavior, compulsive behavior, hostility, impulsivity, irritability, risk taking behaviors, self-destructive behavior, self-harm, social isolation, or lack of restraint

Mood: anger, anxiety, general discontent, guilt, loneliness, mood swings, or sadness

Psychological: depression, distorted self-image, grandiosity, or narcissism

3. Bipolar Disorder

A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs.

The exact cause of bipolar disorder isn’t known, but a combination of genetics, environment, and altered brain structure and chemistry may play a role. Manic episodes may include symptoms such as high energy, reduced need for sleep, and loss of touch with reality. Depressive episodes may include symptoms such as low energy, low motivation, and loss of interest in daily activities. Mood episodes last days to months at a time and may also be associated with suicidal thoughts. Treatment is usually lifelong and often involves a combination of medications and psychotherapy.

Mood: mood swings, sadness, elevated mood, anger, anxiety, apathy, apprehension, euphoria, general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest, or loss of interest or pleasure in activities

Behavioral: irritability, risk taking behaviors, disorganized behavior, aggression, agitation, crying, excess desire for sex, hyperactivity, impulsivity, restlessness, or self-harm

Cognitive: unwanted thoughts, delusion, lack of concentration, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, or false belief of superiority

Psychologically: depression, manic episode, agitated depression, or paranoia

4. Antisocial Personality Disorder:

A mental health disorder characterized by disregard for other people.

Those with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) may begin to show symptoms in childhood, but the condition can't be diagnosed until adolescence or adulthood. Those with antisocial personality disorder tend to lie, break laws, act impulsively, and lack regard for their own safety or the safety of others. Symptoms may lessen with age.

SYMPTOMS:

Behavioral: antisocial behavior, deceitfulness, hostility, irresponsibility, manipulativeness, risk taking behaviors, aggression, impulsivity, irritability, or lack of restraint

Mood: anger, boredom, or general discontent

and finally, 5. Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Severe, ongoing anxiety that interferes with daily activities.

Generalized anxiety disorder can occur at any age. The condition has symptoms similar to panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and other types of anxiety.

SYMPTOMS:

Behavioral: hypervigilance, irritability, or restlessness

Cognitive: lack of concentration or unwanted thought

Psychological: severe anxiety or fear

In summary, don't also self diagnose yourself. I will say I blamed myself for everything until I did get diagnosed and then it all clicked. Unfortunately, I am not treated for anything above which makes it worse but feel free to ask questions if you're curious.

I'd love to talk about how it interferes or makes me feel,.etc.

10 notes · View notes

imustgo-on-icantgo-on-illgo-on · 3 years

Text

"Captain America", and The Falcon and The Winter Soldier

The fight over the shield is so beautifully done, because everything that happens physically also happens metaphysically, and it gives every punch thematic weight. All of the characters are fighting for different reasons, and it translates into how the fight transpires.

Walker fights the hardest. He feels he has to desperately cling to the shield, and subsequently his identity as Captain America, in order to protect himself from his decision to kill someone so publicly and brutally. In his shell shocked and almost manic state, he can't rationalize what he's done as right, and he's terrified of not being a hero because his best friend, his superiors, his wife, and the public all expect him to be. Heck, they already see him as one (although they should see him as a PTSD ridden veteran who needs therapy, support, and NOT to be in the field). So he uses the rationale that if its a decision made by Captain America, how can it be wrong? He desperately fights for that shield because it is, to him, the only thing keeping him from being the bad guy. Thats why he fights to kill, and why he holds onto the shield until his arm breaks. In that moment of hysteria he would do anything for the shield, even take a life, because to him the shield justifies it. In a reversal of Sam's sentiment from episode one, Walker believes that he is nothing without that symbol giving him meaning.

Bucky is even more straightforward. He's fighting for Steve, and subsequently his own sense of identity and self worth. He sees Walker as having tainted the shield, and Steve's legacy. We can see from the get go that he's looking to take that shield by force, definitely before Sam is. That shield is, as he later explains, all he has left of Steve. His family. However, in respect to that legacy, he doesn't fight to kill. The difference between the Winter Soldier and Bucky fighting is so striking, because Bucky is so much, in a way, gentler. He is trying to get the shield more than anything, and its only once he realizes how desperate Walker is to keep it that he stops "pulling his punches" so to speak, and does some real damage. Once he takes it, he even stands with the shield a moment, but because he fought specifically for Steve's legacy, he knows he can't keep it. He tosses it down next to Sam, still clearly bitter about him having given it up, but still putting the decision of what to do with the shield in his hands.

Sam has the most complicated position, and subsequently is the person who fights the least for the shield. He hasn't been privy to any of the signs of Walker's PTSD before now, but now that he has he approaches him different. He wants to talk him down and get him help, just like he wanted with Karli. However, it quickly becomes clear that Walker is (like medically) irrational and is convinced they aren't helping him, they're just trying to steal the Captain America title. And Sam sees that. And Sam still doesn't know if that's what he does want, so he fights to disarm, and subdue. But Walker wanted it more.

Without Bucky there, Walker would have killed Sam, or Sam would've had to fly out of there.

Not because Sam isn't capable, its not a super soldier thing, as I'm pretty sure he's going to 1v1 Walker next week to symbolically claim the mantle of Cap, but because in that moment he was still conflicted. He doesn't hate Walker for having the shield, and he understands the weight of its importance. He also knows that America won't welcome a black Captain America the way they did Walker, but Just like the shield isn't the governments property, neither is the Captain America title. He's not meant to pick up the mantle so he can be welcomed. It doesn’t matter what the government wants its, Steve was always rebelling against his own agencies and stuff anyway. He needs to be Captain America so he can give everyone hope that there are still good people in this world. A changing world, that he can play a hand in guiding into the future.

Bonus for those who read to here: Shout out to all my fellow abuse victims who got triggered hearing Walker yell "WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME DO THIS" I like analyzing and empathizing with characters, I want him to get help, and it's heartbreaking that he's just gonna keep getting used by higher ups to fight and scar up his brain even worse.....But hearing that transference of blame was capital R for Rough

#Captain America #the falcon #the winter soldier #marvel #mcu #tfatws #sam wilson #bucky barnes #john walker

20 notes · View notes

jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 4 years

Text

Head Case (S2, E6)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:03 - This clip of Malcolm in the car is from the pilot episode. I was so betrayed by this clip. Full disclosure - I’ve always had a thing for Malcolm’s jacket from the pilot episode. I just love it and I think Tom Payne looks cute in it. BUT - I was betrayed because Malcolm isn’t wearing my favourite jacket in the next scene (I was disappointed but not surprised). Rant about wardrobe over.

0:20 - This is weird to me. In the clip right before this, when Malcolm was coming to Claremont (wearing the awesome jacket) - Malcolm is clearly in emotional distress. He’s not in a good mood. BUT right here, when Malcolm is chatting with Mr. David he seems like he’s in a good mood. Not one of his manic good moods - just a regular good one.

0:32 - Anyone else notice how visibly uncomfortable Jessica AND Malcolm are? This whole Ainsley situation is literally going to destroy them both. :(

0:34 - sooooo Mr. David knows by now right? He has to? ALSO when the European FBI guy shows up in a few episodes this is going to be bad for Malcolm and Jessica right? The FBI guy will probs talk to Mr. David who will be like - oh yeah, they’ve had more ‘family meetings’ in the past 6 months than in the past 20 years.

1:22 - Sooooo this whole family honestly thinks Ainsley’s going to become a serial killer. From the tidbits of her childhood that we’ve seen, the way she treated Malcolm in Q&A, and generally how she acts when she wants to get a story - I’m not surprised. Read my thoughts on older episodes (1x7, 1x20, 2x5), I’ve always thought Ainsley was a sociopath or psychopath. The girl doesn’t show a lot of moral backbone or sympathy for anyone.

1:33 - Wait. Does this montage of Malcolm’s erratic behaviour mean that Malcolm killed someone as a kid? And doesn’t know it? Or is this just a reference to the whole ‘girl in the box’ trauma arc from last season?

1:44 - “I wish I didn’t know that you were a killer.” Anyone else get major flashbacks to the movie Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause? “I wish I had never become Santa at all” then we get an AU for 40 mins? Just me? Cool - excuse my bad taste in Christmas movies.

1:50 - hahaha Martin is so bitter.

2:25 - You know, as much as I love to hate Martin - he has a point. Malcolm loved his Dad (still does whether he wants to admit it or not) in 98′ - why is Malcolm chill with Ainsley killing but not Martin? Is it because with Martin, he found a poor girl tortured in a box but with Ainsley he saw her kill a man that was threatening their family? Or was it because Martin tried to kill Malcolm but Ainsley hasn’t (yet?) **honestly - that would be such an interesting episode - if Ainsley tries to kill Malcolm**

2:33 - THANK YOU. Someone finally thanks Malcolm for trying to protect Ainsley (and in extension Jessica) from the emotional trauma he’s been dealing with since the age of 10. EVEN THOUGH PROTECTING THEM IS MAKING HIS MENTAL STATE WORSE. Seriously - Malcolm is going to snap soon I honestly won’t be surprised if we get some suicidal ideation from him this season (especially if things don’t improve). Look at those big sad puppy dog eyes when Jess thanks him.

2:38 - hahahaha that side-eyed glare directed at Martin.

2:53 - I know Jessica had good intentions here - she’s trying to protect both of her children but honestly, this whole interaction was probably super upsetting for Malcolm. Think about it - BOTH of his parents haven’t tried to have a serious discussion with him at the same time since he was at 10 years old or younger. This interaction is probably bringing up some memories for Malcolm and making him grieve for the childhood he lost all over again.

3:06 - “You’re gross.” followed by a very regal wave at Mr. David. YES. Queen Jessica. <3

3:25 - Malcolm startling JT is pretty freaking cute. Look at how JT’s expression immediately changes from startled to concerned. I don’t blame him. Malcolm gives off major manic energy in this scene. The visit with the parents did not leave him in a good place. Also - Malcolm straight up admitted that he’s had a ‘rough morning’ this boy almost never tells the truth when he’s struggling. He’s fine. He’s always fine.

3:30 - “Rough month.” IS THIS IT? IS THIS ALL I’M GOING TO GET? JT had a baby THREE EPISODES AGO. ‘rough month’ is a reference to the fact that he’s a new dad and he’s struggling with lack of sleep, leaving Tally alone with the baby while he’s a work, being a good husband, adjusting to dad life, ect. RIGHT?!? We’ve literally had no mention of the baby since 2x3 and I’m losing my mind. I just want someone to say, “Hey JT, how’s the baby?” that’s it. I want 5 seconds of dialogue. Just an acknowledgment that the child exists.

3:54 - “Sooo bring me up to speed.” OMG. That smile is both extremely manic and completely adorable. Seriously - why is no one on the team more concerned about Malcolm during this episode? AND WHERE THE EFF IS EDRISA IN THIS SCENE?!? We’ve been robbed.

4:21 - “What? I liked math class.” OMG. JT is a closet math nerd. You can’t take this headcanon away from me.

4:24 - hahahaha look at Malcolm absorbing the new information about JT. He’s like.....yes. I will keep that information for later. Very good. Will pry further.

5:04 - I love Dani. She’s perfect. She can see that Malcolm just checked out into his own horror of a memory. So she gently teases him to bring him back to reality. <3 This is true friendship. <3

6:00 - Was I the only one who thought it was weird that Gil asked Malcolm to help with the canvasing? Like - doesn’t Malcolm always help? Isn’t that part of what he does to build his profile?

6:12 - “KGB agent” Yes. Malcolm is still annoyed that Ainsley was so competitive about a literal murder last episode. I promise you. Ainsley’s probably still annoyed too.

6:26 - This is why Malcolm is considering telling Ainsley the truth. He’s already losing her. May as well rip off the band-aid. She might not react as badly finding out from him as she would finding out by herself.

6:51 - “That is my vagina.” hahahahaha OMG. As a woman I must say: HOW?!?! As someone who adores JT: hahahahahahahaha OMG.

7:23 - “You’re getting a lot of mileage out of that tidbit”. lol. JT gently teasing Malcolm is one of my favourite things. Hands down. Especially since they’ve reached a point in their friendship where Malcolm doesn’t seem scared or offended when JT makes fun of him. They’re acting like brothers and I LOVE IT. <3

7:25 - “That’s the tip of the iceberg my man.” I have no idea why I am so amused by someone calling Malcolm “my man” but I am.

7:36 - “The Bowery Ripper” hahaha the look that JT and Dani exchange when Malcolm starts nerding out.

8:00 - Wendell is kind of creepy. But like a weird, non-threatening creepy?

8:22 - OMG. JT let the vagina sculpture go. hahaha Look at how grossed out Dani is hahahaha she’s like, “Ugh. Men are gross.”

8:30 - This is why I love JT. He knows that that elevator is sketchy as hell. Plus it’s some (less than subtle) foreshadowing for what’s to come in this episode.

8:41 - How did Dani find out he was at Claremont?! Does Mr. David call Gil every time Malcolm visits?!? ......this is my new headcanon. You will have to pry it from my cold dead hands.

9:00 - This is a really cute moment between Dani and Malcolm. Regardless of whether or not you ship Brightwell - it’s really sweet to see Malcolm interacting so honestly with someone. He’s telling Dani the truth about something and she’s not making him feel bad about how messed up his family is or how weird his situation is. She just listens and teases him to make him smile. That is a good friend. IDC how you feel about Brightwell - right now - this is a GOOD FRIEND moment and Malcolm deserves more of them.

9:10 - Annnnnnndddd this is why Brightwell shouldn’t happen (right now). Dani is still hurt that Malcolm doesn’t trust her enough to tell her everything. She still doesn’t completely trust him after what happened last season. A romantic relationship without 100% trust will fail. End of story. They’re great friends but right now they can’t be in a romantic relationship. It’ll end poorly. (Damn, I hope Brightwell is endgame though).

9:38 - hahaha Greta Swan is a perfect comedic relief for the Dani/Malcolm tension we just witnessed. This girl is a little nuts and a lot funny.

10:00 - “Dad’s lived here his whole life” - wow. The writers really left us some big bread crumbs. We go from the scene where someone mentions a serial killer who killed someone (who was abducted from this hotel) in 1963. THEN we find a strange, gossipy woman and her grumpy father who has lived there his whole life. Coincidence? Nah.

10:17 - SERIOUSLY?!? The Whitly home is ENORMOUS. WHY IS JESSICA LETTING AINSLEY WORK IN THE MURDER BASEMENT?!?!?! We literally just found out that Jessica has a SOLARIUM somewhere in this house.

10:40 - “The guy definitely seems like he kills people.” Oh the irony here.

10:55 - “Are you upset with me?” This is soft and I love it. Malcolm is being vulnerable with his little sister and it warms my heart.

11:07 - “Insomnia sucks.” “Who knew?” Again. Irony.

11:18 - “Anything you want to talk about?” This is precious. Malcolm loves Ainsley SO FREAKING MUCH. He has major Dad/Big brother/concerned school counsellor energy here and I’m here for it.

11:38 - Malcolm’s soooo going to replay this conversation in his head about a million times. He’s going to blame himself for Ainsley’s murder victim of this episode. He’s going to play the “what-if” game. What if - he told her the truth here? Would she still have killed someone tonight?

11:52 - Look at Ainsley’s face here. She seems sort of confused and comforted? Like maybe the fractions of memories that she’s admitting to having are making her believe that she killed Endicott and it scares her. Malcolm telling her otherwise is probably comforting on some level. It’s helping her convince herself that she’s done nothing wrong.

12:25 - According to IMDB - this isn’t the episode LDP directed SO WHY IS THERE SO LITTLE GIL CONTENT IN THIS EPISODE?!?!?!

12:27 - What the hell is the puddle on the floor btw? Is it paint? Tar? Blood? I thought construction hadn’t started on the hotel yet?

14:14 - Malcolm. You. Are. A. Moron. Why go towards the creepy elevator that opened by itself? Why did you think that was a good idea?

14:29 - The Bowery Ripper is pretty strong for an old guy. I mean, Malcolm isn’t that big and he was caught off guard but still.

14:38 - I wanted this scene to be reality SO SO BADLY. I don’t even care about the Brightwell interaction in this scene. Malcolm is on a hospital bed. With an ice pack. I could’ve watched 45 minutes of “Malcolm in the hospital” content. The fact that this boy didn’t spend longer than a 30 second scene in the hospital is a CRIME. Why does Fedak hate giving us the whump aftercare?!? WHY?!?! Doesn’t he know like half the fandom LIVES FOR IT?!?

14:40 - You know how I knew this was the start of Malcolm’s AU dream? 2 reasons: 1) Dani has her hand on the ice pack on Malcolm’s head, even though he totally doesn’t need her help to hold the ice pack to his head. 2) GIL ISN”T HERE. .....although this episode did us dirty with the lack of Gil content (I miss Papa!Gil so much)

14:46 - There’s something about dream JT. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Real and dream JT are almost identical. But dream JT seems to be more open with Malcolm? IDK - he’s more relaxed around Malcolm? I can’t quite describe it. Did anyone else notice that there was just something a little bit different about dream JT? Not even in a bad way. Just different.

15:15 - “Noooo she said it could’ve been worse. Not the same.” hahaha YES DANI. Good looking out. Call out this boy for neglecting his health.

15:24 - This whole scene where Dani and Malcolm do a joint interrogation was awesome. They were talking pretty fast which I found a little distracting but JT said it best, “They were on FIRE”. One thing I REALLY liked about the scene was the dynamic between Dani and Malcolm. Neither one of them was really taking a lead in the interrogation. They were equal partners and I think that says a lot about Malcolm’s romantic desires. He doesn’t want to dominate anyone. He doesn’t want to be taken advantage of. He just wants someone he can trust and respect. Someone who will trust and respect him. He wants a partner. An equal partner. I think that’s a really healthy desire for anyone in search of a relationship.

16:12 - an affair? Did we know that Lyle and/or Katrina were married?!? If they weren’t married it would just be a relationship. Not an affair.

17:01 - Is this honestly the first time Dani has called Malcolm by his first name? In 26 episodes? It must be right? Because I swear I was so shocked my heart skipped a beat (also my Brightwell heart melted but that’s a whole different thing).

17:06 - .....so in Malcolm’s dream does he still work for Major Crimes? Is JT running the department? I need some more details here.

17:12 - Soft!JT <3 <3 <3 How cute is it that in Malcolm’s AU dream, JT (and Dani) don’t actually change (in terms of personality). Their roles in his life just intensify. Dani becomes his significant other and JT becomes a much closer friend/brother. It’s precious. <3 <3 <3

17:52 - Something about the fact that Jessica isn’t drinking liquor in the AU is hilarious and depressing to me. It’s funny because, well, it just tickles me. It’s depressing because Malcolm understands that Jessica drinks to dull the pain. In this AU, she isn’t in pain. She’s happy. Therefore, she doesn’t need alcohol. I don’t know about you but the fact that Malcolm’s subconscious wanted his mom to be happy so badly that she became (more or less) sober - is heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time.

18:11 - “No one in this family is scared of a little blood right?” The irony here is THICK.

19:23 - The fact that Ainsley is a doctor just like Martin in Malcolm’s AU is terrifying and hilarious. This whole “I watched Ainsley kill a man” thing is really destabilizing Malcolm’s questionable mental health.

19:27 - “Please Ainsley is the talented one. I’m a distance second.” ....does this mean that Endicott isn’t the first person Ainsley has killed? Does this mean subconsciously Malcolm somehow thinks that Ainsley is a better serial killer than Martin?

19:56 - “No phones at dinner okay?” Something about the way Martin is looking at Malcolm at this moment and Martin’s tone of voice made me think - “Shit. Martin’s still a serial killer in Malcolm’s AU.” Especially since they Ainsley literally just announced to the room that he’s getting a from Claremont.

20:06 - Yep. That’s a nightmare. From the back, Claremont!Gil probably looked like Martin circa mid-2010s for Malcolm.

20:09 - Look idc who you ship on this show. But I will fight you if you don’t think that Malcolm being comforted after a nightmare by someone he loves is the sweetest thing ever. Look at how Dani gently rubs his arm and back. Ugh. This is the kind of safety Malcolm DESERVES.

20:43 - Dani lying on Malcolm’s chest. <3 It just makes me so happy. Not even necessarily because it’s Dani (although I do ship Brightwell as end game) but because Malcolm’s subconscious is showing us his ideal relationship and we don’t see anything wild or questionable - we just see G-rated cuddling. And damn if that doesn’t say a lot about how much Malcolm just wants to be loved.

20:53 - .......Can we have a full episode’s worth of footage where Malcolm is unconscious on the floor? I know I’m a basket case but it would make my whump heart so happy.....even happier if that footage was immediately followed by 40 mins of hospital care/comfort footage.

20:59 - I know that time has sort of slowed down for the purpose of plot in this episode but ngl - every time we saw the elevator approaching passed out Malcolm all I could think was “this is the slowest elevator in the world.”

21:26 - Malcolm is so so relaxed and comfortable in this scene. I want him to be this happy forever.

22:07 - “You deserve all of it.” Malcolm subconsciously just wants permission to be happy. He doesn’t think he deserves to be happy (especially after Endicott). That little revelation broke my heart. Also the Brightwell kiss was adorable. Dani takes control because, Malcolm wants to feel wanted and this is how his subconscious is manifesting that desire. I will argue that Malcolm doesn’t necessarily want a relationship where his partner takes charge or dominates him. He made coffee of both of them. They’re living in his apartment. They’re having calm, mature, adult conversations. They are both equal partners in his dream relationship.

22:45 - Dani isn’t scared of Malcolm when his hand starts shaking. She isn’t judging him. She’s just concerned. <3

22:47 - “Existential ennui”? Soooo much french in this episode. Damn. “Jamais vu”, “Quelle suprise”. Now “ennui”.

23:35 - “I don’t fit your profile.” ....am I expected to believe that Malcolm didn’t realize this was a dream until this moment? Dani calling him “Malcolm Whitly” in the last scene wasn’t a red flag? Or the fact that Ainsley is a doctor. Or that Martin isn’t in Claremont? Or that Jessica isn’t drinking booze by the bucket? I mean, I know he has a head injury but these are big red flags.

24:15 - Sooooo is Wendell dead irl? Because this is technically a dream.

25:02 - “I thought we were looking for an inexperienced psychopath. A first time killer.”......this is him projecting about Ainsley right? Am I overthinking this? And now he says, “I was wrong”. Is that supposed to suggest that Malcolm thinks Ainsley has killed someone before Endicott?

25:07 - “The blows are confident. They were having fun.”.....couldn’t the same be said about how Ainsley stabbed Endicott? They were definitely confident stabs (plus a confident throat slitting).

25:14 - “We’re looking for a serial killer.” Istg the writers are hinting that Ainsley is a serial killer (or will become one soon).

25:27 - Mr. David appears in the AU but Edrisa doesn’t. We were ROBBED.

26:07 - I’m not the only one who thinks that beard makes Gil look like a werewolf right?

26:33 - Claremont!Gil is creepy. LDP’s performance here is really really good. Also - I hate it. Because serial killer Gil is just not my Gil and it upsets me to see Gil chained to a wall.

26:56 - Sooooo in the AU “The Surgeon” is still at large right? ....you’d think Malcolm would be trying to solve that case with Dani and JT. You know, an active prolific serial killer in New York?

27:34 - The way that Martin, Gil, and Malcolm interact in this scene is really interesting to me. In a lot of ways, this isn’t an AU. Think about it.

In the dream: Gil is frantically trying to convince Malcolm that Martin is a serial killer. In a way, Gil is trying to protect Malcolm from Martin.

In reality: Gil just shoots Malcolm disapproving looks when he mentions seeing Martin. Gil desperately tries to protect Malcolm from Martin.

In the dream: Martin is trying to convince Malcolm that Gil is a monster. He’s trying to convince Malcolm that he’s a Good father. That he would never hurt Malcolm. That he loves Malcolm.

In reality - Martin is the same.

The only main difference between AU!Martin, AU!Gil, and their real counterparts is their temperaments. AU!Martin has Gil’s calm, comforting, and rational temperament while AU!Gil has Martin’s angry, manic, and controlling temperament.

What is the same between the AU characters and their real counterparts?

Martin is still a manipulative killer.

Gil still shoots Malcolm looks of concern (27:45).

Gil and Martin still hate each other.

28:30 - Even dream Martin tries to gaslight Malcolm.

28:56 - “You can always count on Dad.” ....is this how Malcolm really feels about Martin subconsciously? It kind of makes sense? Who did Malcolm turn to when Ainsley did the unthinkable? Not Gil or Jessica. Malcolm said it in 1x12 - (I’m paraphrasing) “The child in me thought he cared. Loved me even.” I think there’s still a part of Malcolm that believes that. Or at least a part of Malcolm that desperately wants to believe that.

29:17 - “I’ve never been to a crime scene before.” That’s because you create the crime scene, Martin. In all versions of reality.

29:20 - annnnnnd AU Martin shares regular Martin’s weird fascination with Dani.

31:00 - JT being buddy-buddy with Martin is hands down the most horrifying part of the AU.

31:10 - “I think he’s having a psychotic break.” ......I want this to be foreshadowing so so so badly. I think it would be so interesting to see how the team, Jessica, Ainsley, and even Martin deal with Malcolm just having a total breakdown. Maybe not a full psychotic break. Maybe a nervous breakdown? Or he succumbs to his suicidal ideation? Probably a little too dark for network TV though.

31:34 - “I’m very protective of her and her boots.” Does Malcolm see himself as the Bowery Ripper, trying to protect Ainsley as opposed to his daughter? Or is the Bowery Ripper supposed to be a metaphor for Martin protecting Ainsley? Is Malcolm going to take the fall for Ainsley and all her murders?!?

32:45 - “Why did you kill again? After all these years.” istg this is hinting that Ainsley killed someone as a kid and Martin knows about it.

33:00 - “I can’t let my daughter know what I was.” .....is the Bowery Ripper supposed to be Ainsley? Is Ainsley killing people to try and protect Malcolm? Ugh. I’m totally overthinking this.

33:02 - Even in his dream, Malcolm can’t bring himself to kill his father. Wether that is by cutting off contact with Martin irl or letting the Bowery Ripper kill him in the AU.

33:07 - Actually though - why doesn’t Malcolm carry a gun IRL? We know he’s trained to use one. We saw him use one in the pilot on a case for the FBI. Is there some sort of NYPD rule about consultants carrying weapons? Is it a rule that Gil has imposed on Malcolm? Is it a rule that Malcolm has imposed on himself? A mixture? I want to know.

33:38 - OMG. Is Malcolm going to try and kill Ainsley?!?! What a twist that would be. AU Malcolm just killed a killer. He doesn’t seem to feel bad about it and he agrees with Martin that “everything is okay now”.

33:55 - This hug deeply moved me. Malcolm is fully aware that this hug isn’t real but he looks so content to be hugged by his father. Malcolm is finally getting a proper hug. <3 It honestly makes me wonder what Malcolm would do IRL for his father’s approval though. He’s clearly sooo desperate for Martin to love him. Who knows what Martin will be able to convince Malcolm to do in this season? Malcolm’s not all that mentally stable right now and he’s really vulnerable emotionally. I’m worried.

34:26 - “Not that it’s a competition.” ....yep. Ainsley wants to be better than Malcolm even in Malcolm’s own subconscious.

35:00 - Heart. Breaking. Watching Ainsley, Martin, and Jessica tell Malcolm how good they think Dani is for him breaks my heart. Look at how happy Malcolm looks. Look at how desperately Malcolm wants this to be real. Ugh. My heart is shattered.

35:20 - “You’re the best, big brother.” Even Malcolm’s subconsious knows that he’s an excellent big brother. Seriously, I love my younger brother but I don’t think I could ever cover up a murder for him. Never mind dispose of the body. Maybe I would? IDK the situation has never come up (thankfully).

35:25 - .....aaannnnnndd we’re back to the Girl in the Box.

35:58 - “Why would you ever want to leave?” “Because it’s all a lie.” Isn’t Malcolm living a lie IRL too? He’s pretending that Ainsley is a law-abiding citizen. He’s pretending that he isn’t an accomplice in a murder. He’s living in constant fear because of his secrets. They’re going to destroy him. This is why I think a suicide attempt is a possibility for this season. This trauma is a lot bigger (in some ways) than last season’s. Plus - Malcolm has a lot of pre-existing trauma. This could be the metaphoric straw that breaks the camel’s back.

36:45 - “Even in my wildest dream. I’m still a detective. I need to seek the truth. No matter how painful.” That’s it. That’s Malcolm’s character in a nutshell. “Traumatized boy who intentionally puts himself through more trauma for the sake of seeking the truth.”

37:01 - “You’re right. I need to work on that.”.......if Malcolm tells Gil and/or the team about Ainsley next episode I will lose my mind.

37:15 - TOM PAYNE. YOU ABSOLUTE TREASURE. THIS IS SUCH A GREAT PERFORMANCE. THOSE UNSHED TEARS. THAT DESPERATE ANGER. THAT HOPELESSNESS AND DESPAIR. <3 <3 <3 <3

38:21 - Look, I’m a mechanical engineering student (not an expert) but if that was a wooden stick like I think it is - that would’ve NEVER stopped an elevator (at least, not long enough for Malcolm to escape). But I’ll overlook it for whump. Because Malcolm has a head wound and I’m loving it.

38:33 - I’ve rewatched this clip of Malcolm with a bloody face meeting JT and Dani about 50 times (wish I was exaggerating that number). There is something so gorgeous about this scene. I mean - the fact that Malcolm is clearly in physical and emotional pain is enough to make my whump heart sing but it’s more than that. Listen to the genuine concern in JT’s voice when he says, “You okay?”. Look at Dani’s concerned face. Listen to how soft and desperate Malcolm’s voice is when he says, “When was the last time I talked to you?” Look at how concerned and confused JT and Dani are when Malcolm says, “I know who the killer is.” They’re not scared of Malcolm. They’re scared for Malcolm. Malcolm just showed up covered in blood, he can’t walk straight, he’s clearly confused, and now he’s claiming that he’s solved the case. They’re worried about him and they have every right to be. Listen to how broken Malcolm sounds when he says, “Long story.” <3 <3 <3 I’m in love with this scene.

39:19 - “Are you sure about this?” “I have no idea.” This. Is. Important. JT and Dani have every reason to believe that this old man isn’t a killer but Malcolm’s head injury is making him confused. BUT they choose to trust Malcolm (or at the very least, humour him). They trust him enough to take a risk on him and I think that’s beautiful. I think that’s exactly what Malcolm needed after his nightmare of an AU dream. He needed to know that they care about him IRL. I hope he notices their behaviour despite the head injury.

39:35 - Malcolm puts the skull down with his ungloved hand. I’m blaming the head injury.

39:55 - Look this was a really moving scene. The parallel of Malcolm arresting a serial killer in front of the serial killer’s child and Martin being arrested in front of Malcolm is haunting. HOWEVER, when that old man stood up from the wheelchair my stupid brain went “THAT ASSHOLE NEVER EVEN NEEDED THE WHEELCHAIR?!?”.....even though he literally wasn’t in a wheelchair in Malcolm’s dream.

40:40 - WE WERE ROBBED. I want to see the scene where Malcolm explains his dream to the team. I want to see GIL. WHERE THE EFF IS GIL IN THIS EPISODE?!?! FURTHERMORE - I WANT THE IRL VERSION OF “MALCOLM GOES TO THE HOSPITAL FOR A HEAD INJURY” SCENE. WTF FEDAK. GIVE ME THE AFTERCARE.

40:47 - “That man will be buried in a turtleneck.” hahahahahaha OMG. Iconic.

41:27 - “Goodnight Malcolm.” <3 <3 <3 She called him Malcolm IRL. Excuse me while I go and stoke my slow burn Brightwell fire.

41:36 - “Goodnight.” This is the face of a man who just accepted the fact that he will never be happy. Malcolm honestly doesn’t think he deserves to be in a relationship. Especially with someone as beautiful, kind, and talented as Dani.

41:40 - THAT HAT. Was this really in Season 1?!?! I don’t remember it? But holy hell - I want to see Malcolm wear it. Like now. It’s going to make me laugh. I can feel it.

41:53 - Immediately you can hear that something is wrong in Ainsley’s voice. She sounds distracted, dissociated, and scared.

42:14 - Give. Tom. Payne. An. Emmy. Listen to his voice breaking here. He’s so close to tears and it’s genuinely beautiful. Such an astounding performance.

42:51 - I honestly think Ainsley is shaking her head because she realizes that she made a mistake. She came to Malcolm because she thought he killed Endicott. She thought that he’d be able to understand. That he’d be able to help her because he had committed the same crime she just committed. She was wrong. He can help her - but legally, he really shouldn’t.

43:08 - Look. A new scene for Malcolm’s night terrors.

43:15 - Yep. This is going to drive Malcolm into a mental breakdown. This is bad.

43:20 - There’s a part of me that wants Malcolm to tattle on Ainsley. Just so he doesn’t have to keep the secret any longer. The secret is killing him. Telling won’t make the situation any better though. Gil and the team will react horribly and it’ll make Malcolm feel like garbage. Plus I can only imagine how the press would scrutinize the Whitly’s again. It won’t be good any way you slice it.

I have a love/hate relationship with this episode. On one hand - it’s the cannon AU episode that every fanfiction lover dreams of. It’s also a really compelling episode complete with some excellent acting and great insight into Malcolm’s psyche. HOWEVER: 1) not enough Gil, 2) WHERE IS MY WHUMP AFTERCARE?, and 3) I wanted to see Malcolm at the base of that elevator for longer. The whump wasn’t prolonged enough for my sick soul.

31 notes · View notes

hidiingplace · 3 years

Text

TODD REBANE + RECKLESSNESS.

general. okay so BIG BIG BIG disclaimer and I want to make this extremely clear; this headcanon will involve discussion around s*lf-h*rm (SH) and s*icidal ideation (SI). PLEASE do not read if there are triggering topics for you or if they make you uncomfortable. While Todd’s methods and ideation for the afore mentioned topics are not extremely obvious depictions of SH or SI, I will be discussing them in depth. Please tread with caution.

recklessness. Todd is a very reckless person with a general lack of self-preservation. Much of this stems from his mental illness which I’ve covered partially in this HC here. However, Todd’s Bipolar I disorder comes with its fair share of challenges beyond that of just the rising of mania and the falling of depression. Todd’s recklessness is a means to an end –– a coping mechanism of the unhealthy sort that he has struggled with since the age of 9. Let’s dissect this a bit.

becoming the fox. Todd did not originally become the Fox to be a hero, a vigilante, or even a villain. The Fox was a method for him to SH and potentially follow through with his SI. Todd knew that if he was jumping around the streets, flinging himself off buildings, fucking with criminals, fucking with cops, that somehow, someday, he might end up killed. This was his original driving force behind becoming the Fox. He had pent up rage and trauma and sadness inside him with nowhere to put it. So he put it into something physical in which he had an excuse to throw his body around and put himself in dangerous, compromising positions in which he could be murdered or seriously injured. This dark, tragic, and sad origin of The Fox is not something he talks about, and he struggles with explaining to people WHY he wanted to become the Fox in the first place when he is someone who prides himself on not only not being a hero, but also on not being a villain.

skateboarding, fighting, free running. these are all methods of SH for Todd. Todd is what his friends call ‘the crash dummy’, meaning that Todd’s humorous way of throwing himself into dangerous tricks, precarious situations, and other reckless activities KNOWING he will come out injured is something most of his friends assume is done for attention. However, Todd’s hobbies all include an element of danger, coupled with his lack of self-preservation and willingness to do idiotic shit, Todd actually seeks out injury in many, many ways. Todd will not treat injuries for the sake of continuing the cycle of SH, as well. Todd has been known to fall off buildings, crash into walls, break bones, sprain ankles, get deep and painful cuts and bruises, and get up and keep going. While Todd often frames these activities as a fun way to ‘blow off steam’, there are many times when Todd’s need to get out and enjoy his hobbies if fuelled by an intense urge to SH. This isn’t to say that every time he picks up his skateboard, goes dirt biking, or free-running that he is looking to SH, but they are vehicles through which he can SH when the urges occur and no one will bat an eye because the SH is masked by his passion and talent. This injury-seeking gets worse while he is manic, which we will talk about in the next section.

bipolar i & it’s influence. When manic, Todd experiences a ‘euphoric’ high and rush of energy that makes everything he experiences more intense. His anger is more intense, his joy is more intense, his sadness is more intense, and unfortunately, this breeds in him a delusion of grandeur that he is unable to be harmed, or that it takes a lot more to harm him. This intense feelings are NOT a pleasant experience for Todd. Many people who experience Mania say that it is like living in a hell. He looses his sense of control, he becomes more irritable, more ‘unhinged’, and also experiences delusions about himself and others he cannot rein in through logic. While many people might assume that it makes him dangerous to be around, in this state he is actually far more of a danger to himself than to others. During fits of Mania he has jumped off buildings without his suit or any way to catch himself. He has been hit by cars, he has egged on cops to shoot him, he has punched walls, destroyed property, and other various reckless activities that put him in REAL danger of being hurt really badly or even killed. This is fuelled by those intense feelings and the urge to act on this energy that he has no where to put. It makes him a danger to himself, and this is apparent as soon as the crash of depression hits after the mania episode ends. During the crash, his SI swings and smacks against him like a ton of bricks that it hard to shake from his head, and he is more likely to act on it at this time. It is very common for Todd to come back from a Manic episode with a serious injury. There are many times that the only reason he is not dead is because Zipp puts the Fox suit on Todd without his consent in order to protect him and save his life. He has woken up from mania episodes in hospital in terrible condition before. His medication helps him regulate his manic episodes and level out his depression, which takes away the SH urges and SI very well if he is consistent with his medication. Unfortunately he is not always consistent with his medication.

addiction. It should be noted as well, that Todd’s connection with addition through his father and bio-mother have a huge part to play in Todd’s recklessness and thrill seeking. Todd may not see the connection, but his father (Joey) does. Because of Todd’s trauma and depressive side of his Bipolar I, Todd chases the high that comes with the adrenaline rush of danger. He’s addicted to it in his own way. He feels that he can level himself out a little bit better when he is able to do something dangerous –– effectively pushing the depression away for a moment and allowing himself to feel even and ‘normal’. So even when the SH and SI is suppressed, he really enjoys these things because they provide him a rush of positive feelings that feel akin to the levelling out his medication provides him, without the feeling of numbness that sometimes comes with his medication.

summary. Todd struggles daily with the urge to SH and with the persistent SI that lives in his illness. The question of which came first (Todd’s SH and SI or his reckless nature) is a chicken and egg situation. It’s hard to separate the two as Todd has been struggling with Bipolar I disorder since he was 9 years old (undiagnosed until 19), and as such, has had SH urges and SI since about that age as well. Todd is only vaguely aware that what he is doing could be considered SH. He’s aware of his SI but rarely talks about it, and the SH behaviour he does not really recognize because he was not educated on it during his very short time in therapy.

note to RP partners. if your muse is a friend/partner of Todd’s, it will take them a VERY long time to figure out that Todd has SH urges and SI. He is very good at masking this with his attitude, tucking his SH into misadventures with his hobbies, and never opening up about his SI. Given the lifestyle Todd leads, him being injured is a common thing and would be a common thing even without his SH or SI. This is something to keep in mind. Your muse would need to either be a psychologist/psychologically educated/trained, have someone they know who experiences Bipolar I with SH and SI, have themselves be Bipolar I, have spent A LOT of time with Todd and seen him go through MULTIPLE Manic episodes and Depressive crashes, or be a mind-reader. This isn’t to say your muse can’t notice Todd’s recklessness is a little too much or that they cannot voice concerns about his self-endangerment, but confronting him about SH or SI would be a very strange thing to do if they’re not in his life for a very extended period of time, or have education on the subject.

#( this is a big one #SORRY )#todd rebane ( general ).#todd rebane ( headcanon ).#selfharm mention tw #suicide mention tw #suicidal ideation mention tw #mental illness mention tw

2 notes · View notes

particularemu · 5 years

Text

Insanity | A Hwang Hyunjin Series | Part 1

Part: [Prologue] [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9] [Part 10] [Part 11] [Part 12] [Part 13] [Part 14] [Part 15] [Epilogue]

Word Count: 5046

Type: Angst

Warnings: violence, drugs, descriptions of anxiety, panic disorders, fucked up hospitals, a sassy Jinnie boi, and corruption.

Author’s Note: Without further ado, I present part 1 of Insanity. Please understand that I’m no doctor, and I have 0 medical knowledge, so if I make a mistake, shoot me a message and school me so I can fix it :3

Hyunjin’s eyes widened as he stepped off the bus, hand tugging his suitcase behind him. There it was — Rosewood Psychiatric Institution — the medical facility he was going to stay and work in for the next couple of years. Hyunjin would stay longer, but he had strict plans to start his own institution after getting some work experience. Judging by the beautiful landscape — it looked like he picked the right place.

The land rolled smoothly under the thick, luscious grass, the picture-perfect landscape looking as if it was sculpted by the gods. There were several colorful plants and shrubs along the cobblestone path, leading Hyunjin directly to the gates. After being waved through by a couple of nice-looking guards, Hyunjin made his way over to the living quarters for the staff. Thank goodness the way was pointed by various golden signs, otherwise, he’d surely get lost in the big institution made up of several buildings.

Hyunjin’s lips parted in surprise as several sprinklers turned on, watering the beautiful lawn for the first time that morning. Wow… they obviously had a passionate landscaper who thrives on taking care of all these plants. It must take the man (or woman) all day to water the plants, cut the grass, and pull each and every weed out of the landscape.

The institution was incredible. Most mental health facilities he visited during his university years weren’t this large — or as aesthetically pleasing. The boy couldn’t help but gawk at the beautiful architecture.

Hyunjin cursed as his watch beeped, signaling the start of his shift in the next hour. He opened the door to the living quarters, gasping at the luxurious decor coating the walls. This doctor must make loads of money off this place to be able to afford decor this nice. It was nice to know that Dr. Douglas took care of the staff. Hyunjin quickly made his way over to room 108, grateful that he wouldn’t have to drag his suitcase up 3 flights of stairs. Hyunjin tucked his suitcase under the bed, brows creasing when he saw the pure white uniform laying across his bed.

Fuck, he hated white. Of course, he expected he’d have to wear the typical white coat, but usually, he was allowed to wear blue scrubs. Why the hell were they forcing the staff to wear some 1950s style uniform? Oh well. Hyunjin changed into the uniform.

Dr. Douglas must be obsessed with the look of white — Hyunjin assumed because all the rooms were coated with white paint, decorated with white knick-knacks, and beds were made with white sheets and comforters. Hyunjin would have to find a poster or something to go on the wall, or he might have to check himself into the institution.

Hyunjin rushed out the door, checking to make sure it locked before heading over to the main building. From what he could tell on his map, he would be working in the largest building. Hyunjin headed inside, eyes scanning the room for some sign of where he should go.

“Hello, how can I help you, sir?” A kind woman dressed in some 1950s looking nurse uniform caught Hyunjin’s attention.

What is with these old-fashioned uniforms? Maybe they were trying to keep things timeless for those who’ve been in the institution a while? Or perhaps Dr. Douglass just enjoyed vintage things. Either way, Hyunjin thought the uniform choice was odd. Throw some dirt, grime, and blood on them and the uniforms would look like they’re straight from a horror movie.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Hyunjin. It’s my first day. I’m supposed to start today.” Hyunjin couldn’t help but gawk at how clean everything looked. All hospitals should be clean but this — this institution looked as though it was scrubbed top to bottom with bleach. There was no scuff mark, footprint, or speck of dust in sight.

“Ah, Dr. Hyunjin welcome.” A kind-looking man on the other side stepped out. “Come on over.”

Hyunjin squeezed through the door and shook the man’s hand. “Nice to met you Dr?”

“Dr. Henry.” The man smiled at Hyunjin. “We’ve been understaffed for so long. I’m happy they finally have someone to take over the day shift for Miss ______.” Dr. Henry handed Hyunjin a medical chart packed full of your medical history.

Hyunjin’s eyes widened as he scanned the papers. Twenty-five sedations? In just over two months? “Umm, excuse me for asking, but why has she been sedated 25 times in the past couple of months?”

“She is a feisty young thing. If she doesn’t get her way she starts hitting and screaming.” Dr. Henry laughed. “So we typically have to sedate her before she hurts one of the doctors or herself.”

Hmm… That still doesn’t sound right. Hyunjin brushed it off until he spotted an obvious problem in your chart. “Hey, why is she getting a stimulant?” Hyunjin frowned.

“What do you mean?” Dr. Henry leaned over Hyunjin’s shoulder to look at your chart.

Hyunjin pointed to a spot. “It says right here that she’s dealing with intense anxiety, panic attacks, manic, nightmares, and I’m not sure why it says etcetera there, we should be listing all her symptoms.” Hyunjin paused and pointed to another section on her chart. “Then over here, it says she’s taking Adderall — a stimulant.”

“The doctor prescribed it for her ADHD.” Dr. Henry smiled.

Hyunjin pursed his lips. The chart claimed that she had no memory of her life before the institution — and there were no notes stating she was diagnosed with ADHD. “We might want to consider taking her off of it. Stimulants can increase panic episodes. If she’s still having intense panic attacks, why are we still giving her Adderall?” Hyunjin pulled a pen out of his breast pocket. “We should remove that from her list.”

“Don’t do anything yet.” Dr. Henry pat Hyunjin’s shoulder. “The doctor has to approve any prescription changes.”

Hyunjin cocked his head in confusion. They were all doctors… Why did they need to have medication changes approved? All doctors had the ability to prescribe and change prescriptions. Whatever… Maybe it’s just a safety precaution?

“You guys have her on a steroid too.” Hyunjin pointed at your list of medications once more “Betamethasone? What’s she taking that for?”

“You know what? I’m not sure. You’ll have to ask the doctor about that.” Dr. Henry smiled. “I only started working with her recently, so I’m not aware of her entire medical history.”

Okay, is this guy really a doctor? Hyunjin sighed in frustration as he scanned your chart. How could this man be taking care of you, and not even care about your previous medical history? Hyunjin couldn’t help but feel grateful that he was taking over your care. Maybe he could give you a fighting chance.

“Ergotamine? Does she get migraines?”

“I don’t know.” Dr. Henry sighed, crossing his arms in annoyance.

“The reason I’m asking is Ergotamine contains caffeine. Adding prescriptions full of steroids, stimulants, and caffeine is only going to make her anxiety worse. No wonder she’s having such a hard time.” Hyunjin couldn’t help but glare at the man.

“Like I said. Take it up with the doctor.” Dr. Henry snapped. “Why isn’t she getting a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor?” Hyunjin was baffled. SSRIs are typically given to patients who suffer from panic attacks. The medication prevents serotonin from being absorbed by the nerve cells in the brain. Stabilizing those serotonin levels reduces anxiety and panic. “She should be taking Prozac or Lexapro,” Hyunjin mumbled as he flipped through your chart.

Dr. Henry scoffed. “She doesn’t need an SSRI. The doctor doesn’t like prescribing those unless the patient has gone through a successful therapy session.”

What the fuck equals a successful therapy session?

Hyunjin flipped through your chart, spotting the therapist’s notes over the past few sessions. Sure enough, panic attacks, anxiety episodes, refusal to cooperate, violence — you had it all. Hyunjin decided that he should sit through one of your therapy sessions to see what might be triggering your panic episodes.

“Okay, then give her a serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor?” Hyunijn sighed in frustration. “Those prevent the absorption of serotonin and norepinephrine. It’ll calm her down in stressful situations.”

“I know what they do.” Dr. Henry slammed his hand on the counter.

“Okay, then why aren’t you giving her any?” Hyunjin raised his voice as well.

“There aren’t any that are approved by the drug administration jackass.” He scoffed.

“Yes, there is dumbass.” Hyunjin sighed and slipped your medical chart in his bag. “Venlafaxine. If you don’t have any in this hospital you need to get some.”

“We have it, but it’s an SSRI.”

“No, it’s not.” Hyunjin raised his voice and pointed to one of the computers. “It’s an SNRI. Look it up.” He frowned, “Besides, there are so many other options out there for her. You could give her tricyclic antidepressants, monoamine oxidase inhibitors, or beta-blockers instead of letting her suffer.” Hyunjin spat.

“Take it up with the doctor.” The man yelled back in Hyunjin’s face.

Hyunjin leaned forward, piercing eyes glaring at the other man as he crossed his arms. “Fine, I will.”

“First, come meet your patient, then you could see if she’s worth the trouble.” Dr. Henry turned and walked down the hall.

“What?” Hyunjin asked as he followed the man. Everyone is worth the trouble. Even if you were a psycho looking to attack everyone in that hospital, you were a human being. Besides, Hyunjin could imagine you weren’t being treated the best under Dr. Henry’s care — based on the way the asshole was treating him.

“Here she is pretty boy.” Dr. Henry gestured in the room.

Hyunjin’s heart broke at the sight. You were huddled in the corner, arms wrapped around yourself as if it was the only comfort you had in this mental institution. Your room was empty, save for a bed and a thin blanket that probably provided little to no warmth. Your arms were filled with scratches, from what he assumed to be your nails — but in this hospital, there was no telling.

Hyunjin slowly stepped into the room, smiling at you as your big glassy eyes met his. “Hello there,” Hyunjin spoke in a low even voice, hoping to prevent scaring you further. “I’m Dr. Hyunjin, your new caretaker. I’m looking forward to helping you the best I can.”

You quickly got up and stumbled towards the man, tears running down your cheeks as you frantically clawed at his chest. Hyunjin gasped and wrapped his arms around your waist to steady you, heart-shattering when you wrapped your arms around his neck and cried, “Please you have to help me. You have to get me out of here, please.”

Dr. Henry grabbed your arm and practically threw you across the room. “No touching the doctors. Do you want another session in the lightning room?”

You grabbed the bedpost, body shaking as you cried, “No I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”

“Hey!” Hyunjin yelled, pushing at Dr. Henry’s shoulders. “That wasn’t necessary, she’s just scared.” He darted to your side, resting his hand on your arm to try and soothe you. You flinched away from his touch, mumbling apologies here and there. “Shh, you did nothing wrong,” Hyunjin whispered.

“What is the lightning room? Is that electroconvulsive therapy? Do you have the right permits to do that?” To say Hyunjin was concerned was an understatement.

“Of course.” Dr. Henry scoffed.

“Why are you using it as a punishment?” Hyunjin raised his brow. “Electroconvulsive therapy is quite beneficial if done right. Do you guys put the patients under with anesthesia?”

Dr. Henry crossed his arms over his chest, eyes filled with pure hatred as he looked at Hyunjin. “No, we mainly use it to get their act straight.”

“So you’re inducing seizures on your patients to get them to stop rebelling?” Hyunjin scoffed. “Smart.”

“Look smartass, I’m just doing my job. If you have a problem with it, take it up with the doctor.” Dr. Henry stormed off, leaving Hyunjin alone with you.

Thank God he’s finally gone.

“Hey, I’m not going to hurt you.” Hyunjin reached his hand out to you, pausing a safe distance away so he wouldn’t frighten you. “When you feel comfortable, I’m right here.” He held his hand out to you, palm facing up, giving you full control over the situation.

You turned to look at the beautiful man, noticing the way his eyes lit up when you made eye contact. He sure was gorgeous. Most caretakers wouldn’t have stayed this long, but Hyunjin stayed in front of you, hand out for you to touch when you were ready. You slowly lifted your shaky hand and gently pressed your fingers into his palm, making Hyunjin smile brightly.

“That’s it.” His voice sounded like heaven to your ears. You felt safe in his presence, even more so when he slowly closed his fingers around yours. God, it’s been months since you’ve felt such a comforting touch. “Will you let me check your vitals?”

You cocked your head to the side, confusion evident in your features as Hyunjin chuckled nervously. “Oh sorry, you might not remember. I’m going to check your pulse, your temperature, your respiration rate, and your blood pressure just to make sure everything’s okay. After all, you did get thrown to the ground and since we don’t know what triggers your panic episodes I want to make sure you aren’t experiencing any symptoms of anxiety or panic which could be increased heart rate, temperature and —” Hyunjin paused a second. “Sorry, I’m rambling. I do that a lot. I’ll just check your temperature.” Hyunjin pulled a thermometer out of his bag and placed it in your mouth, hand resting on your forehead for a second to make sure you didn’t feel abnormally warm.

You found the gentle touch comforting as his hand shifted to rest on the pulse point on your throat. His beautiful lips moved as he counted, eyes fixed on his watch. You couldn’t help but notice the beauty mark underneath his eye. That’s not something you see every day — especially in here. It felt like everyone looked the same — well… from the few people, you’ve seen during your various attempts to escape this godforsaken place. You flinched when Hyunjin pulled out his stethoscope, which didn’t go unnoticed by the ebony-haired beauty.

“You look like you’re breathing fine.” Hyunjin smiled softly as he shoved the stethoscope back into his bag. “Why don’t we skip that for now.” Hyunjin pulled the thermometer out of your mouth and smiled at the results. “Good. It’s normal.”

You sighed in relief and pulled your sore body up off the floor, plopping on the bed so you could rest. Hyunjin stood up and scanned your knees, noticing the bruises already starting to form. He couldn’t just sit there and let these damn people hurt you like this. “I have a couple of things I need to talk to your doctor about. Will you be okay here?” Hyunjin smiled when you nodded. “Awesome. I won’t be long.”

Hyunjin slowly closed the door behind him before rushing down the hallway to Doctor Douglas’s office. He was only here an hour and he feels like he’s starting all sorts of trouble. The hospital was filled with incompetent doctors — or so he assumed judging by the information in your chart. And then there was Dr. Henry…

Hyunjin nearly opened the door to the doctor’s office when a woman stepped in front of him. “Doctor Douglas is busy now sir. Please come back later.”

Of fucking course. “I’m so sorry miss.” Hyunjin smiled. “He called me down here, so I thought I’d come right away. It sounded urgent.”

“Oh, I must be mistaken. Go right ahead.” The woman moved out of the way and sat back down at her desk, obnoxiously typing a response to an email.

Wait, that actually worked?

Hyunjin quickly slipped into the office before she could see the victorious grin on his face. He frowned when he turned around, spotting Dr. Douglas sitting in his chair, playing a random game on his phone. Yeah, okay he was real busy.

“Welcome Hyunjin!” Dr. Douglas beamed. “I was hoping you’d make it here okay. I trust the drive up wasn’t too bad?”

“Thank you, sir. The drive was fine.” Hyunjin shook Dr. Douglas’s hand. “Pardon me for intruding, but I have a few questions about my patient.”

“I expected a few.” Dr. Douglas laughed. “Why don’t you introduce yourself first?”

Hyunjin ignored Dr. Douglas’s request and pulled out your chart. “After. This is urgent. You have my patient on Adderall, Betamethasone, and Ergotamine, all three are known to have anxiety and panic episodes as a side effect.” Hyunjin paused, wracking his brain for information. “There was this case study a few years ago —”

“Hyunjin please.” The doctor gestured for him to stop. “Why don’t we get to know each other first?” He chuckled. “I’m Dr. Douglas. I’m sure you know that I run this hospital, considering I was the one who hired you.”

“Yes,” Hyunjin shook his hand. “But sir, we —”

“Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin sighed dramatically, feeling like a two-year-old ready to throw a tantrum. He felt like his childish nature was justified, considering no one in this damn hospital seemed to care about your condition.

“I’m Dr. Hwang Hyunjin. I was top of my class at Southfield University and I dedicate my time helping my patients.” Hyunjin’s brows creased as he shoved your chart forward. “The one I have now needs help and I need you to approve some things so I can help her.” Hyunjin’s eyes hardened as the Doctor laughed, acting as if none of this was a problem.

“Prestigious school Mr. Hwang.” Dr. Douglass sighed and looked at your chart. “What do you need approved?”

“I want to take her off all the excess medication and put her on Prozac. I believe the mixture of Adderall, Betamethasone, and Ergotamine is making things worse for her. She’s already dealing with so much in an unfamiliar place — so let’s put her on Prozac and see if it helps.”

“And what will Prozac do that Venlafaxine won’t?” Dr. Douglas’s eyes bore into Hyunjin’s, making the boy nervous.

“E-excuse me?” Hyunjin stuttered.

“She’s taking Venlafaxine.”

“Umm, no she isn’t.” Hyunjin panned through her chart and pointed to your list of medications. “She’s getting these six medications, which is way too much for someone without existing health problems.”

“She’s in a mental facility.” Dr. Douglas chuckled. “They are all to help her.”

“Yeah? What does this one do?” Hyunjin pointed to a drug on the list. “Peroproxine?” Hyunjin frowned. “I’ve heard of Proproxen, but that’s an anti-inflammatory drug.”

“Peroproxine is an anti-anxiety medication.” Dr. Douglas stated as if it was common knowledge.

Okay, what? Hyunjin couldn’t stop the obvious annoyance taking over his features. He spends a LOT of his free time researching new and existing medications out there. If there was a drug by the name of Peroproxine, he probably would have known about it. “Why haven’t I heard of it?”

Dr. Douglas laughed. “You’re new in the business son.” Hearing the word ‘son’ come out of that man’s mouth pissed Hyunjin off. “I’m not your son. Please just approve this so I can help her.”

“I can’t do that.” Dr. Douglas sighed. “She’s improved drastically since she started taking those medications. I won’t set her back again. It’s just not humane.” He chuckled.

“Sir, she’s been here six months, and it appears her mental stability has gotten worse. And, Dr. Henry is being violent with her. He threw her to the ground —”

“Hyunjin enough!” The doctor slammed his hand on the desk, startling the boy. “Give her the medications on her list, or you’re fired.”

Hyunjin paled — it was clear he crossed a line.

“I will not have you slandering one of the most trustworthy doctors in this institution. Get back to work.” Dr. Douglas turned in his chair, cutting off the conversation. Hyunjin’s heart dropped as he left the office.

Sure, he could always quit and work somewhere else that wasn’t fucked up, but he couldn’t leave you. Something told him that you shouldn’t be there — that something else was the problem. He sulked down the hallways until he felt someone grab his arm and pull him into one of the Janitor’s closets.

The beautiful man flipped the light switch, allowing the dingy old light swinging above their heads to flicker on. So there was a dirty room in the institution.

Hyunjin scanned the man in front of him, noticing the name tag on his chest that read ‘Minho.’ He could tell Minho worked at the hospital — unless he was a crazy patient who murdered his caretaker and stole the uniform.

“Look, you’re a very beautiful man, but I have to get back to work,” Hyunjin muttered and tried to push past Minho.

“What? No, you dumbass.” Minho paused a moment and smirked, wiggling his eyebrows before saying, “But thank you.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes and tried to push past Minho once more, only to be shoved back against the brooms and mops hung on the wall. Minho blocked the door with his arm. “I’m trying to help you keep your job because someone is looking to get fired.”

Hyunjin sighed. “I don’t want to get fired, I just want to help my patient.”

“I know.” Minho’s mood shifted — a melancholy look replacing his once emotionless expression. “Just listen for a second.”

Hyunjin nodded and leaned back against the wall. “Ok fine, you have five minutes.”

“First of all, I’m older than you so you can fuck off with that attitude.” Minho snapped. “Second of all, you need to stop asking questions.” Minho paused, trying to figure out how to word his next sentence. “Just keep your head down and do your job.”

“How do you know I’m not older?” Hyunjin snickered.

“Dude really?” Minho sighed. “You look fifteen. Out of all that I said, that’s what you decided to comment on?”

Hyunjin couldn’t help but chuckle at the older boy’s expression. “Look, I’d be happy to keep my head down if my patient wasn’t suffering.”

“I know.” Minho paused. “But this hospital isn’t like the others. You have to keep your head down or you’ll be admitted.”

“What?” Admitted to the hospital? That doesn’t make any sense…

A loud scream echoed through the hallway, frightening the two boys. “Fuck… That sounds like it’s coming from my patient’s room. Here take this, it’s her medication. Please tell her to take it.” Minho opened the door and rushed down the hall.

Hyunjin stepped out of the closet and stared at the little plastic cup in his hands. From what he could tell, he had two options. One, he could give you the medicine, keep his job, and allow your mental health to deteriorate until you were clinically insane. Or two, he could simply dispose of the medication and see if you improve. His feet took him to your room, figuring it’d be best to give you the medicine for now and speak to Minho later. Perhaps the older boy could give him more information about you.

From what everyone has told him, you were a pain in the ass to deal with. Hyunjin just saw a girl who was confused and scared. He couldn’t imagine you being violent and deliberately trying to hurt someone.

Hyunjin opened the door, smiling sadly when he saw you curled up underneath the thin blanket. “Hey, it’s time for your medicine.”

“Don’t want it.” You mumbled into the blankets, turning your back to Hyunjin.

“I don’t blame you...” Hyunjin trailed off.

You turned to look at him, eyes wide with surprise. Usually, the caretakers would hold you down and force the pills down your throat. They didn’t have any mercy at this hospital — they’d do whatever it takes to get you to take your pills.

Hyunjin chuckled at your surprise and slid the pills into his bag. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.”

There was something about that smile of his that made you feel like you could trust him. Hyunjin wasn’t forcing you to take anything, he seemed genuinely concerned for your mental health, and he was treating you like a real human being.

“Can I sit next to you?” His soft voice shook you out of your thoughts.

“Yeah.” You sat up in bed, giving him space to sit beside you.

Hyunjin stayed silent, trying to think of questions he could ask you. He needed to know more about your medication and how you feel after taking them, but he didn’t want to trigger any painful memories. “Do you feel anxious after you take the medication?”

You thought about it for a minute before nodding. “It comes out of nowhere. I’m usually fine until I have to take my medicine during the day.”

Okay, so the medication is definitely giving you anxiety. Was it the mixture of Adderall, Betamethasone, and Ergotamine, or was it that new drug… Peroproxine?

“Are you feeling anxious right now?” Hyunjin asked in a low voice.

You nodded before mumbling. “A little bit. I don’t know you very well.”

“I’m so sorry, I completely forgot to introduce myself.” Hyunjin chuckled. “Would you like me to tell you a bit about myself?”

You nod, noticing the way Hyunjin smiled at your answer.

“Well, I’m Dr. Hwang Hyunjin. I graduated at the top of my class from Southfield University.” He paused. “My father committed suicide when I was young, so I decided that I was going to study psychology so I could help people struggling with depression. Then I discovered that the medical side of psych would give me the ability to prescribe and help those at a medical level.” Hyunjin chuckled nervously. “You probably don’t want to know about all that though.”

“No, I don’t mind.” You smiled. “I hear about how crazy I am day-in and day-out, so it’s refreshing to hear about someone else.”

Hyunjin frowned. “Do they not give you time to socialize?”

You tucked your hands underneath your thighs, “Well, I get to talk to my therapist. The caretakers don’t like us to socialize with other patients. They said that we could get crazy ideas or something.” You frowned. “I don’t really remember.”

“That’s not normally how things work.” Hyunjin pursed his lips.

“Yeah?” You cocked your head to the side. “How do they normally work?”

“Typically you live in a room with a roommate — someone with a similar mental illness...” Hyunjin trailed off. “But you’d also have meals with the other patients and usually there’s a rec room where you guys can play games and chat.”

You bounced on the bed, eyes filling with excitement as you grabbed Hyunjin’s arm. “We have the gardens!”

Hyunjin couldn’t help but smile at your excitement. “The gardens?”

“The doctor likes pretty things, so he has a big garden in the back of the asylum filled with all sorts of flowers. He has some exotic ones in there that smell really good.” You smiled brightly. “I like to go see the pretty flowers, but we aren’t allowed without our caretakers. Dr. Henry would never go with me.”

So Dr. Henry was your old caretaker... Why did that asshole lie about not knowing your information? He’ll have to look into that later.

“I’ll take you to the gardens as often as you want. I love to look at flowers.” Hyunjin smiled. “Actually do you want to go now?”

You smiled sadly and shook your head. “I’m feeling tired. I want to sleep.”

“That’s fair. You’ve had a big day so far.” Hyunjin smiled. “Can you answer one more question for me?”

You nodded, a smile tugging at your lips when you saw Hyunjin’s boyish grin.

“Thank you. You’re such a big help.” Hyunjin rested his hand on yours. “Do you remember how you got here?”

You closed your eyes, thinking about it for a moment. This was the question you’ve been asked every single day over the past six months. You never had an answer. Your brain only showed you flashes of a van and your cries for help, but the whole memory was foggy and unclear.

Hyunjin paled when he felt your hand shake underneath his. “Hey, hey it’s okay.” He rubbed soothing circles on your back, smiling when you opened your eyes.

“I’m so sorry I don’t remember.” You panicked, tears running down your face. “Please don’t tell them I’m not cooperating. I’m trying my hardest.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Hyunjin’s eyes widened when you crawled into his lap, head resting on his chest as you sobbed. His heart completely shattered with every tear that ran down your face.

He couldn’t imagine being in your position. Everyone at the hospital sucks, you weren’t allowed to talk to anyone, you were being given horrible medication, and to top it off, you had no one you could trust. Hyunjin felt honored that you trusted him enough to be this close to him on the first day.

“Your missing memories aren’t your fault.” Hyunjin ran his fingers through your hair, noticing the way you melted into his touch. “Some stressful experiences are so traumatic, the memories hide in the back of your brain like a shadow. So they can’t be consciously accessed. There are exercises and treatments we could do to retrieve those memories, but for now, I think it’s best that we get to know each other a bit more.”

“I don’t feel safe here.” You sniffled and nuzzled into his chest.

“You shouldn’t.” Hyunjin rubbed your arm, brows creasing as he tried to figure out his next move.

The door slammed open— the loud noise startling the two of you as Minho ran into the room.

“Hyunjin! There’s an emergency. I need your help.”

#hwang hyunjin imagines #hwang hyunjin #hwang hyunjin scenarios #hwang hyunjin angst #hwang hyunjin x reader #hwang hyunjin x you #stray kids x reader #stray kids x you #stray kids scenarios #stray kids #skz #hwang hyunjin fanfictions #stray kids hwang hyunjin #stray kids hyunjin #stray kids angst #skz angst #kpop angst #angst #my writing

223 notes · View notes

uwuowotf2waslife · 4 years

Note

Do you have one with crippling depression yet? Like they stop eating, stop moving, always nearing tears but bottles them up, becomes emotionally numb, not really finding the joy in life in anyway? There’s nothing physical that caused it, it’s just isolation, loneliness, or guilty memories catching up with you. I’m uh, not doing so good right now and your writing is a really good pick-me-up. Can you write it? Please? It’s fine if it’s too triggering, I can understand. Have a good day, or night.

My inbox is always open my dude, and im more than thankfull for your words

(this will be about a merc and a S/O, hmu if you meant about team dynamics)

You are poetry,

stay safe & hydratated

tw: depression

Scout: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ not the most emotional mature of the mercs; even himself admits that he is pretty immature even for his age (early 20s), but this doesn’t means he doesn’t have empathy or that he doesn’t care about his S/O. He sees you suffering and he is big time worried. He tries to motivate you, drag you out of your bed and do something fun or at least go and buy some food. He will get annoying but he can’t just sit there and watch you rot. He is a hands-on guy, he might not understand why you are acting up like this, but at the same time he doesnt know how he can approach you. He will try to hug you tighter and bring you food and water, his shoulders can be a pillow for you to cry all day and night long and his hands are there to wipe off the tears from your face. He hates seeing his bby sad and would give half his Tom Jones memorabilia for you to wake up one day and be your old, happier self ♥

Soldier: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ although his social skills are in scarcity, he isnt a traitor. He sees his S/O down ( mentally) and it pains him to an unimaginable extent to see you so unmotivated . He doesn't understand why are you sad, what has happened? Did that crazy Kraut touched you? who he needs to snap the neck? He hates seeing you like this. Will be stubborn, just because he doesnt understand something it doesnt mean he can't find a way around. In the end, he will push you enough to actually break down and explain everything that has happened. For the first time in years hes just silent, he broke the dam and he is beyond ashamed of making you break down like this. He doesn't what to do so for now he will hold you as tight as he can and promise in America and whatever is holy and pure in him that he will help you untill you are again okay. ♥

Pyro: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ they know that you are sadder than before and they can see you points of view. They themselves know that life sometimes just sucks and that its okay not to want to eat or leave your bed. But they are also afraid that whatever is plaguing you it will become worse and worse and they really don’t want to see you hurting yourself like they once did. They try helping you do simple things, drink a glass of water, play a bit with their stuffed animals, theyll help you brush your hair or wash your face. They know they baby you, but they think you need a bit more of some more smootches or cuddles. If they see you worsening or being even less active they will drag you their pillowfort and just try to keep you as close them while chanting sweet nothings and sad mumbles, please don’t loose yourself like they did. ♥

Engie: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ he might be a cruel, cold man when hes on the field, but in reallity he is the cinnamon roll meme( he is a cinnamon roll and he might kill you tho but he is mostly a cinammon roll). He knows also that work and his projects take a really big amount of his time so he already feels very guilty. I doubt he has any humanitarian doctorates, but he has an above average understanding of human psychology; whats the point of trying to emulate life when you cant understand it?He knows he can't address it straightforward, but he needs to get you over this slump before you do something really stupid. Que him cleaning up his workshop and carrying you there bridal style. He has a small nest of pillows and blankets and right next to it his trusted guitar.You have the whole night and the day after to spend it together and get in the bottom of the barrel. Itll be hectic but he is a very patient man and loves ya to bits ♥

Demo: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ lowkey one of the mercs with the most expierence with depression/ depressive episodes. For once in his life he doesnt drink and tries to find the rute of the problem, if there is of course or its just pent up anger and frustation with things that have happened in your life now or in the present. In simple, you will talk. For hours if needed. He wont drink a sip becausehe doesnt want to forget even the stupidest detail from your venting. In the end, he will offer you to drink but he will drag you out of the base/ house and make you sit in the front porch/ garden while he has set up some “ festive” fireworks ( just some small ones that erupt and turn into hearts) . He isnt the ideal psychological perfection, but if you chosed the scottish cyclops for your mate, then he shall go to the man and back just to see you smile one more time. ♥

Heavy: ˜”*°•.˜”*°• he has seen depression and has experienced it himself. It was way too traumatic for a young man to have to support a family without a father figure around. I highly headcanon him to have deppresion hence the sandwich, hes bingining while staying in the battlefield. He doesnt care about the language barrier, in order for the both of you to be as close as you are know, it means you understand eachother to a satysfying extent. He will cook you a very hearty meal and bring it to your bed with a tray and sweet tea. You can eat in silence with him simply staying by your side and rub your back, words can’t potray how he feels right now. Once you finished hell put the dishes outside and simply cuddle you ( being the least cuddly of the mercs, it means a lot). You can nap, cry, trace patterns on his sculp anything really. All his life the main cause of depression was the anarchy surrounding his life, he needs you to feel protected. He doesn’tcare how much time it will take, but he will rip the mountains apart to seeyou smile out of genuine happiness, might even cry if he is the cause. •°*”˜.•°*”˜

Medic: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ the most medically, again qualified from the group. so he has at least that covered. He isn’t stupid, you show clear signs of cronic clinical depression ( also known as manic depression) and although it has been a long while before finding a patient to lobotomize, hed be damned if he ever butchered you up like that. He is a healer, even if enjoys his enemies to hurt a little more than they should, and a healer is here to help both the body and the mind. Will persuade you into getting under medication, even if he knows theyll have little to no effecthe just hopes the placebo effect will motivate you. He tries to mix your routine with his, ex. he wakes up really early when you finnaly after hours of insomnia fell asleep, hell tuck you in and kiss your forehead. Throughout the day hell send Scout or Heavy to bring you food or water or your medications. Pyro will be by your doorstep or you side, to keep you company during the day. At night he will carry you to the medbay and do all the talking for you if you dont feel like talking, he will listen to all of your venting. Lowkey will sit you on his lap so he can rub your back and let you cry/ just sit there, to feel his heardbeat on your face and relax. ♥

Sniper: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘯, 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘥𝘰𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘵. 𝘉𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘴 𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺 𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘈𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘶𝘯𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬 𝘶𝘱 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘪𝘮, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵 , 𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥, 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 , 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥. 𝘏𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘧𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘥, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴𝘯𝘵 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱 𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦. 𝘖𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘈𝘥𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘳, 𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘣𝘺𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘤 ( 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘬𝘪𝘥𝘴), 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘤𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘚/𝘖 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦. 𝘏𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵( 𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘱𝘪𝘴𝘴 , 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 0/10 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘥) 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘶𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘬. 𝘏𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘶𝘱 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘢 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘳, 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘶𝘨 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘬𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘬𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦. 𝘏𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘭𝘧 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦, 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘯𝘰𝘸. ♥

Spy: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ actually he isn’t that mentally mature as much as he strives to be. He has very unhealthy copying mechanisms, he fucks and smokes his torments away, but he also knows different people have different copying mechanism and he cant judge how people seek comfort. He doesnt know how to help yo, he really does but he doesnt know. He is nervous but he will probably suggest you two take a vacation away, together. He has planned it all fancy and nice, and pretty much has scanned the whole place/ area/resort you are staying and having “ friends” around. He doesnt care if you just stay all day in the resorts pool and just chill around drinking pina coladas. In the middle of your vacations, he will take you to a more secluded area and will open up about his issues , not about your relationship but about him as a person. He has many issues and he is a very difficult person to be around, so you haveto know he will never judge you. But he also doesnt know how to help you. This will make you hug him and you two can finnaly have a good, well-earned cry. Kiss him on the nose or on his head and tell him how much all this means to you and he will cry you a river and hold you till the dayhe dies, how can someone so late in his life means so, just so damn much? ♥

#tf2 #tf2 x reader #tf2 imagines #mental health #comfort #tf2 headcanons

39 notes · View notes