#this is where Phil wrote Changes btw

[imgonnasayitnow]

Phil Ochs sweatin’ at The New Gate of Cleve in Toronto, 1965

photos courtesy of Valerie Moore McCormack

(the woman pictured is Dotty, Valerie’s then roommate)

[isa-ghost]

Btw I am affectionately squeezing everyone who's given me Pomme, Missa, Pac, and other characterization tips for AMFMN to death for their help. I hope they know they've contributed to making the fic the best it can be and if Tumblr doesn't fuck me over, I'll definitely at some point in the future find the URLs on the posts I made and make a sappy af post thanking everyone who helped me do research to write things accurately.

I'm determined to make sure every single character that appears in the fic is done right no matter how brief their appearance is, even if it's not a flawless reflection. I'm very confident in Most of my characterizations so far (I've been told I've got Phil and Fit's mannerisms down PERFECTLY and that means SO MUCH to me ;-;), but I've been super conscious abt doing everyone justice throughout the entire planning & writing process. I'm determined for there not to be a single He Would Not Fucking Say That moment in the fic about ANYONE.

And despite being a little antsy about the characters I'm writing who I haven't seen tons of in streams, I'm having so much fun turning the compensation I'm doing to make up for lacking the knowledge into a group effort. To me THAT is peak QSMP.

The fact that I've had community members talk to me in Spanish abt characters, then consulting a completely different person to translate those things for me, then passing on those translations to other people who need a good reference for characterization. Getting to let people infodump about their faves in general but esp in their language. Asking someone to work with me throughout the process of writing the fic to translate the Spanish correctly rather than lazily relying on shitty translations from Google. Hell, my translator for Spanish dialogue taught me a Spanish culture thing and I deadass changed a conversation in Chapter 3 to include it!! The fic, a FANMADE THING, is LITERALLY doing what Actual QSMP's entire goal is: bringing groups together and sharing bits of their cultures!! That's fucking awesome!!

AMFMN has been a community effort FROM THE BEGINNING, honestly. Someone asked me for certain qPhil headcanons, then those sparked me to make other qPhil headcanons, then someone else asked me to elaborate on one I made, then I saw an entire group of people voicing a desire for more Phil-centric fics, then THAT all spiraled from there.

I never was like "Hm. Me want write Phil fic." I got inspired from the fandom and the people I interacted with. I'M NOT A FIC WRITER. I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN A FANFIC BEFORE NOW. I only ever wrote short OC things. And here I am writing a 20 FUCKING CHAPTER longfic for a fandom!! And I'm consulting people for Spanish translations for Missa, and I 100% intend on consulting a native French speaker I know and a native Portuguese speaker I know if Etoiles or Bagi have dialogue in their languages too (I plan to fit it in where I can, I've been focused more on Missa speaking Spanish bc he/Phil use the translations more together while Etoiles & Bagi tend to just speak English if they're not on their own or with other FR/PT speakers so I haven't been as focused on them lmao)!! And I'm so fucking hyped that I get to make that happen because of something I created, the same way Quackity gets to watch collaboration and sharing through something he's created.

TLDR I fucking love this community and I'm so thankful for the people who have been involved no matter how briefly.

[corhore]

That master post of She-Hulk recommendations. When you have the time could you make one like that for Wonder Woman? I'd like to start exploring her books but don't know where to start. I'd be grateful for the help.

GLADLY

This is gonna be long I'm sorry.

Wonder Woman by Geroge Perez.

Arguably the best WW run. Rebooted the character and re-established her for the "modern" age. Hands down my personal fav comic of her and Perez's (RIP King) gets the character and his art is *chefs kiss*.

Wonder Woman by William Messner-Loebs

Admittedly not as good as it came after Perez, but its a fun and decent run on Wondy. She goes to space, works in fast food and lost the title of Wonder Woman and introduced Artimes. Tis gud.

Wonder Woman by John Byrne

This is one of the weakest runs on WW. Byrne's take on Wondy isn't great nor is it terrible. Tho his art is great and he introduces Cassie Sandmark and Hippolyta taking up the WW mantle for a bit so its worth the read if your a Wondy fan.

Wonder Woman by Phil Jimenez

In my opinion one of the most underrated runs. Jimenez really has a good voice for Wondy and of course his art is fantastic.

Wonder Woman by Greg Rucka

Often regarded as the best modern run of Wonder Woman. I tend to dis-agree because the run gets de-railed by Infinite Crisis and its also the run that had Wondy snap Max Well's neck which was handled really well in the comic, but it ruined online discussion and perception of WW for years to come. Regardless it is really good.

Wonder Woman by Gail Simone

Pretty good stuff by the hit and miss Simone. One of the better books she wrote. Simone once again really gets the character resulting in a great WW run.

Wonder Woman by Brian Azzarello

Now we gettin into the iffy stuff. Wonder Woman was not treated well in the New52 often written horribly out of character. Now you'd think that would carry over to her solo, but surprisingly it doesn't. Even though this book make a ton of major changes to Wondy like origin, making her the God of War (which I hate btw) and being the first book to really solidify giving WW a sword Brian Azzarello writes Wondy on point.

The book is a very different take on Wondy, but Wondy herself stays true to the core of her character for the most part. Coupled with great art and legitimately great stories ingrained in greek mythology I can indeed recommend it.

And since 2016 the book has been completely retconned so you can read this as an unintentional elseworlds story.

Wonder Woman by Meredith Finch

NO

Unless you want to see the Amazons be rapists who kill infants.

Wonder Woman Rebirth (AKA the return of Rucka)

DC Rebirth oh how wasted you were.

Anyway Greg Rucka came back to Wondy essentially to clean house after the New52. He wrote the first 4 volumes and there the only ones worth reading really. You get some top tier art and a decent re-telling of Wondy's origin.

Wonder Woman by G.Willow Wilson and Mariko Tamaki

Read these if you want to be put to sleep.

Okay there not that boring, but there pretty average if not below average. If you want to read Wondy comics tread water then read these.

Wonder Woman by Becky Cloonan and Michael W. Conrad

The current run on wondy as of right now. Aaaaaand its pretty good. After Wondy's death in Death Metal (don't worry about that she's fine) she in the afterlife in Valhalla? Interdimensional shenanigans ensue. It takes a bit to get going and the writing for Wondy is off a bit, but the art and premise is solid. It also had Wonder Woman's first even in decades called Trial of the Amazons which was also decent.

Wonder Woman Earth One

HOO BOY this ones a doozy. WW Earth One is a controversial book to say the least. Its a complete re-telling of Wondy like we've never seen before. It uses themes from Wondy's roots like bondage and the battle of the sexes and love. This book is not for everyone. Your either gonna love it (like me) or absolutely hate it. Its a book that one can very easily miss the point of.

Grant Morrison has a very distinct and passionate take on the character and like many of his books are thought provoking and interesting. I mean the book ends with a literal war with the sexes.

I do think the book is worth reading if your a Wondy fan. It might not be your cup of tea, but at the very least it should be a interesting read on a very unique take on Wondy. Also the art by Yanick Paquette is hands down some of the best art for Wondy ever. He's become my favorite artist for her. He draws her beautiful, strong and sexy.

The Brave and the Bold: Batman and Wonder Woman

A team up with Wondy and Brucey. With some cool mythological shit and some dope ass art by Liam Sharp this is an easy recommend.

Wonder Woman/Conan

A fun crossover between the barbarian and the Amazon. This was a few years before Conan went back to Marvel so technically this is an unofficial DC/Marvel crossover.

Sensational Comics Wonder Woman

This is gonna be a hard pass. Sensational comics should've been a companion book like Action and Detective, but instead DC made it into a anthology book with many different creative teams. It was also digital only. (yeah DC doesn't give Wondy any respect)

Because of this the stories range from good to absolute trash with some of the shittiest art you've ever seen published by the big two. Save the headache and don't bother.

Future State Immortal Wonder Woman

Future State was meh, but we got a decent Wondy book out of it. Jen Bartel's art make sit worth it.

That's about it. There's a few other books I haven't read yet like Wonder Woman Evolution and her silver and golden age stories. But these should get you going.

Happy readings.

[calehenituseappreciation]

Ive seen a lot of Dream (and usually Techno and Phil too) as gods au (i have one too dw) but all of you are sleeping on the funniest option.

Tommy is the god.

Tommy.

hes the only one in that galaxy (other than drista ofc)

Just imagine how fucking funny it is like 

it would be so fucking hilarious

and tommy just doesnt tell them

so techno is just there making all these blood god jokes and jokingly telling tommy to serve him and tommys just laughing

imagine a god in the form of a chaotic 16 year old racoon gremlin just walts into your land commits arson and gets banned, only to come back with another person who he helps start a nation for drugs?

imagine how fucking funny it is

just

imagine tubbo banning a literal god from his lands and he just doesnt come back? he just plays by the rules? then goes and like sits in the corner all sad because some humans/dreamons told him to leave

ranboo, just joining the server: hi-  a chaotic gremlin god: wanna commit arson with me?  ranboo, just trying to vibe and maybe not disturb this god: sure 

Phil and Ranboo recongnize Tommy as a god on sight.

Everyone else just refuses to believe it. hes Tommy. Tommyinnit. hes just weird lol

And Drista being a fucking chaotic blood god? 

drista is open about her godhood and does not hesitate to spawn blocks

Drista finds Dream and decides she likes this small human, and dream just has to deal with it lmao.

drista and tommy are both born at the same time.

Tommy is a god of music, chaos, war and theivery (the last one bc he is a BITCH)

Drista is the blood god, chaos, deception, and theatre

okay but imagine the sbi interactions... like ig in this au tommy joins at like 12/13 years of age (in their minds) so he doesnt really grow much 

and like tommy, a literal god, just claiming phil as his father???

phil, in his house making eggs, assuming one of his sons woke up and came to the kitchen, not looking: hey son  tommy, from their couch, already deciding hes phils son now: whats up dad? phil: looks up at tommy who are you tommy: idk dad, who am i  phil: *stares at tommy for a second* eh i made extra eggs you can stay 

ASJIDGASUIOG IMAGINE TOMMY TELLING THEM HES A GOD BUT THEY THINK HES JOKING AND IGNORE HIM

everyone on the server: tommy is the youngest! tommy, as old as the universe: no im not!!!! im not a child!!!! he doesnt pout because pouting is for children and hes not a child but hes pouting tubbo: lol im older than you by a month tommy dont try to hide it tommy: im not a child!!!! techno: laughs

tommy doesn't try to hide that hes a god just its tommy

thats all the evedince anyone needs to think tommy isnt a god or powerful its like mcc hes good but only when he doesnt throw for content

quackity: sees drista written in bedrock lmao drista visited? tommy: yeah! i wrote that for her!  quackity: snorts yeahhhh sureee tommy

imagine like how fucking funny it is jsut like 

a fucking chaotic god breaks into your house androbs you makes a room under your house and decides to live in your floorboards

imagine dream like trying to manipulate tommy, and tommy a fucking anchient diety immeditly recongnizes what hes doing

but decides to play along for the angst and giggles and then actually gets mad when no one fucking cares for his theatrics

tommy, storming off to technos base to rob and build under: >:///// cant believe none of them acknoledged my  deppression 

i love that tommy stills robs everyone, he doesnt need to he can spawn in anything he wants

he just does it for the sport of robbery

JAKOGFSDOH

THE HOLY LAND

dream: im god actually tommy: thats so fucking funny lets make a cult about that :)  dream: see! look! im god! and jesus!  tommy: wheezing

imagine tommy getting stressed and letting go of his mortal form

Tommy, his human form peeling away, showing his actual form a bit: WH̸͘A͠T̷ ̶̢T͞H͢E ̡͘F̴̵͘Ù̧C͜K҉ ̶T͘͜͞E͟CHǸ͏Ǫ  Techno: HAH?

tommy just saw tubbo and got emotionally attached

Tommy, a literal god: hello Tubbo: oh hi do you like my pet bee? Tommy: you’re mine now Tubbo: im okay with this

tommy, a bored god: gives techno shapeshifting powers  techno, not even caring: changes into more human to pig-ishg forms as he wishes this is my life now ig 

phil lets tommy do fuck all in exile bc he knows hes a god hes fine

phil: IDC IF YOURE A GOD! YOU WILL DO THE DISHES NOW YOUNG MAN! tommy: grumbles but does them

phil is the only one who can control tommy

god... tommy... with star freckles... on his human form... (as well as his god one)

tommy: f̷͛͠a̵̋t̵̒̑h̸̚e̶̓͝r̸͊ ̸̐̒i̴ ̸̅̿d̷̉͆o̵͂͋ ̵̛̆ñ̸̾ő̶́t̸̎́ w̶͆͘i̴͠s̵̓̈́h̸͗́ ̵̯͗f̶͋́ő̴͑r̷̐̌ ̶͝é̵̽g̸͊͂g̵̒s̷͂̃  phil: idc, eat your goddamn eggs tommy: pouts

tommy, despite being able to get supplies himself by fucking spawning them in: hey tubbo? we need supplies 

In this au ig like if a god claims you you get a mark on your skin showing that. Drista’s would be like a green crown, Tommys would be a red and white disk (white as the outer ring and red as the center) (its different enough that if you don’t realise tommy is a god you wouldnt realise whos it is) (schlatt is the only one who never had one which shoulda been a sign dude :/)

Dream has two from the beginning, everyone else has only one, well until they meet drista. (sbi have had one since they met tommy, though they dont remember the first time they met tommy)

wait what if tommy like found them all as children one by one and later kinda pulled some strings to get them all in one kingdom. (he still joined sbi through forcing phil to adopt him) 

OKAY BUT IMAGINE IF TOMMY MET TECHNO WHEN TECHNO WAS YOUNG ENOUGH TO NOT REMEMBER

tommy would hang out with baby techno and tell him stories

once he told him the story of a man named thesus

another time he told him the story of a blood god

like for example tommys first time meeting techno would be like

(for context techno lived in a shitty village and was an orphan and it was kinda a dog eat dog place, he learned how to be strong because of it)(he was young enough that he doesn’t remember this well, just like learning about the blood god and someone giving him gold)

baby techno: sighs tommy, appearing out of nowhere: oh heyyy whyre you sad? techno: jumps turning around with a knife up ready for a fight who are you tommy: im tommy! :) techno: what do you want from me! you dont scare me! tommy: whats your name! techno: i have a knife! i'll use it! tommy: of course, thats a given, but its rude not to tell people your name techno, confused: t-technoblade? tommy: smiles thats a nice name techno: so. tommy: hm? techno: why're you here tommy: i don't have a reason. im just a traveller! techno: then why hole to this terrible village! theres nothing nice here! everyone is terrible and so are you! tommy: hmmmm i dont agree techno: what are you? a child? i thought adults were supposed to know that everyone is mean tommy: mmhmm looks at the bruise on technos face where'd you get that? techno: fight. i won. i'll win against you too! so don't try anything. tommy: of course. i would never win in a fight against a blood god techno, putting down his knife a bit, stars in his eyes: blood god? tommy: grins blood. god. i think she'd like you. techno, muttering: maybe i can give the blood god some of your blood tommy: laughs yeah, she'd defenitly find you intresting tommy: here tosses techno a golden crown at techno, he spawned it in in the moment techno: whats this? tommy: a crown, thought it suit you screams in the distance tommy: huh. i need to go. have fun lil piglin. ruffles technos hair before running off towards the screaming unbeknownst to the pig the blood god was actually the one waiting for the god he met. techno: stares at the crown 

Techno found a pouch of gold in his ‘house’ later that day. he didnt know who left it but it helped him get food for that night. (he kept the crown)

okay but imagine tommy not taking the war seriously at all, and only seeing it as a squabble between mortals, Like toddlers fighting

dream: SURENDER BY TOMMOROW OR WE'LL DECLARE WAR! wilbur: FUCK YOU WE'LL NEVER SURENDER AND JOIN YOUR SMP! Tommy: how cute

tommy doesnt realise that theyre serious until wilbur dies

tommy would usually go apeshit against anyone who dares messes with his humans, but what is he supposed to do when his humans are fighting Eachother?

wilbur: fucking goes insane and dies  tommy: hey- hey can you guys let me talk to wil for a sec? everyone else leaves tommy, unsually somber: sorry i didnt help you i forgot how easily breakable mortals are tommy: this time you wont die, and i'll make it so that you dont break again, okay? tommy: brings wilburs soul out of its body and enters his mindscape ghostbur: wakes up what- where am i? tommy: hi there ghostbur: who are you tommy: i go by a lot of names all, one, you, the world, the universe, god, but you can just call me tommy ghostbur: oh okay. who am i? tommy: you're name was wilbur soot. you were the son of philza minecraft and brother to Technoblade, Tubbo and myself. ghostbur: was? tommy: well you see, you died. ghostbur: oh... well what am i then? tommy: a ghost! well actually its your choice. would you like to continue your existance or fade away with your body? ghostbur: i dont want to fade away! tommy: smiles thats what i thought you'd say stretches his hand to wilbur ghostbur: grabs tommy hand tommy: lets go home

ghostbur doesnt remember that though

he only remembers the good

tommy wont let him remember the bad, what if he breaks again? mortals are so fragile

phil realises what tommy did as soon as he sees ghostbur 

drista, painting tommys nails (there both in god form btw) (after wilburs death btw): tommy shouldn't you of all gods realise how fragile they are?  tommy: i know just... forgot  drista: sighs and nods i get what you mean, especially with the ones we found... they act a lot like gods sometimes i forgot they arent  tommy: ikr? wait- drista here gets drista's hair out of her face you were gonna get it on my nails, anyways, don't judge me. we all know if dream died you would turn him into a ghost too drista: smirks not if you do it first, we all know you would tommy: you say that as if you wouldn't fight me to do it first  drista: .... tommy: ... drista: both of us when he dies? tommy: nods tommy: anyways my turn to do your nails 

or like tommy with ghostbur like

ghostbur: i don't like this :( tommy, a worried brother and god: whats wrong? ghostbur: everyone is mad at me and i d-dont know why- why are they mad at me tommy: theyre mad at something alivebur did ghostbur: b-but im not alivebur sniffs it hurts. i dont like it. tommy: spawns in some blue here ghostbur: whats that? tommy: its some blue! it'll help you not hurt anymore! ghostbur: how does it work? tommy: see how its blue? ghostbur: nods tommy: well its blue because it sucks up all the bad feelings! it'll help ghostbur: !!!!! ghostbur: presses the blue into his chest ghostbur: !!!!its working!!!! :D tommy: smiles good

wilbur fucking died and tommy went from annoying little brother to caring older brother

tommy just wants to help his brother :) though he doesnt realise that not letting ghostbur remember bad memories isnt good

*at logsted shire btw* ghostbur: who are you? tommy, chuckling: did you forget me already ghostbur? ghostbur: i didnt forget you! i think! you're tommy! i just... you're different tommy, looks over at ghostbur: different how? ghostbur: you're not normal are you? tommy: grins whaaaaat? you think im weirdddd? how heartbreaking... my own brother thinks im weird, this is terrible ghostbur: giggles tommy: but really, don't worry about it bur. ghostbur: you sure? tommy: yeah, dont worry about me ghostbur: smiles okay! do you want some blue anyways? tommy: giggles sure! ghostbur: grins

ghostbur isnt worried about tommy

he knows hes strong

phil having to tell tommy that he cant just not let wilbur remember the bad memories

and tommys like "what if he breaks again!" and phil hugs him and tells him to at least ask ghostbur if he wants to remember and tommys like ‘fine’

tommy: hey bur? ghostbur: yeah? tommy: do you like you're memories? ghostbur: i mean, yeah its hard not to when you only remember the good tommy, quietly: would you want to remember the bad? ghostbur: w-what brought this question on tommy: answer the question ghostbur: no- alivebur was badi shouldn't want to- tommy: but what do you want bur? wilbur, silent for a moment: yeah- yeah i do. not that i like the bad memories! they hurt... but i wish i could remember tommy: ... ghostbur: hey tommy? tommy: yeah? ghostbur, with tears in his eyes: do you think they'd be less mad at me if i could remember, maybe then i could repair my relationships, what the hell am i supposed to do when i dont even remember hurting them? tommy: what if they dont? what if you break again? ghostbur, saltily: we'll maybe i'll be able at least be able to say i know why everyone hates me tommy: i know how to get all of your memories back ghostbur, looks towards tommy in shock: you do??? tommy: nods ghostbur, voice wavering: for how long tommy: since the beginning ghostbur: and you didnt tell me tommy: i did what i thought was best. i just didnt want you to hurt anymore. ghostbur, angrily: WELL THAT CLEARLY WORKED DIDNT IT? tommy: sorry wilbur, sometimes i forget how to handle humans ghostbur: what- tommy: sighs and taps ghostbur on the forehead and ghostbur does the ghost equivilent of passing out tommy: wont hide any memories this time

ghostbur doesnt wake up, instead wilbur wakes up weither thats good or bad we'll see

wilbur, waking up with all his memories: HOLY SHIT TOMMY WASN'T KIDDING phil, who was reading beside the bed tommy placed wilbur into, which was in technos house. yes he broke into technos house with a passed out wilbur. move on.: hm? wilbur: holy shit phil: huh? yeah. wilbur: wait you knew? phil: yeah i recongnized him as soon as i saw him about 5 years ago now? wilbur: excuse me while i freak out because my little brother is an actual god

it really hits wilbur that tommy is a god later

wilbur: hey tommy? tommy: yeah? wilbur: how fucking old are you? tommy: snorts of course thats the first thing you ask wilbur: well? tommy: i dont really know the exact years since years are kind of a human thing that were invented recently wilbur: they were invented thousands of years ago- tommy: but it was around the beginning of this galaxy wilbur, softly: what the fuck

tommy telling wilbur stories about different heros and villains and different humans he met during his life.

Adsjbffsg what if Tommy made himself blonde and blue eyed and white bc thats hyow the first human he met looked like asjfhsd

and just didnt change that, despite meeting new humans, its just his defult settings.

he would totally do this tho im crying.

drista just based her human form off dream because she is his sister now. he must deal with this. trying disowning me when i look like you BITCH.

thats my take anyways later might continue this

[jestbee]

Jestbee Fics: In Stats

If you’ve been here for any length of time you know I love a spreadsheet, and graphs, and all thing sweet, sweet data. Ao3 doesn’t allow me to export stats about my fics which is really annoying, but I’ve been tracking fics I wrote over the past 5 years (and 1 fic this year) by the following: 

- Year posted - Pairing - Rating - Relationship Status - Canon compliancy - POV

And I’d like to share some insights with you. Mostly about Phan but there are some stats about other pairings in the first bit under the cut. 

Here’s the number of fics I posted per year since 2017. There are some posted as early as 2014 on my ao3 account but I chose to omit them as they were fairly inconsistent. I have been declining in my output but I think that makes sense given irl factors. 

I’m putting the rest of that juicy juicy data under a cut so as not to bother non-data loving folks. 

Pairing

Pairing written by year as a percentage of everything posted. I had a few solid years of only writing Phan or associated pairings (same fandom tag in a03 actually, just separated out for the purposes of this data). It’s only the past couple of years I dabbled in other stuff. I’m not defining these ship names btw, if you’re curious look it up. (but I’ll concede for dwhite - it’s Dye/White from Monochrome which is a phan fic I wrote fic of. v complicated but v fun)

Obviously the majority of my fics are Phan, and so in all following sections I will just show stats for that pairing as all others are negligible at this point. However, I think it will be fun to revisit this the same time next year to see how it has changed. 

Rating

for Phan only, ratings as a percentage of total fics posted per year. What I find interesting is that the number of E fics I write stays basically the same even as the overall number I post drops, which means as a percentage E rated fics are now higher. I also had a pesky habit of not rating fics until about 2019, glad to see I no longer do that. (Also 2019, no G fics, I really don’t know why)

For all Phan fics, here is the distribution of ratings. Kind of an even split even though I think people would probably guess that I write more E/M rated than anything else. But I think the amount I wrote in earlier years and the way the number of E fics I write has remained consistent it why that’s the case. 

Relationship Status

I actually think these numbers make the most sense when looked at in conjunction with Canon Compliancy since when I first get into a fandom I tend toward canon compliant and then later AU, which in the case of Phan means established relationship early on and Getting Together AUs later on. I prefer strangers to lovers to friends to lovers, even though my all time favourite trope is Friends with Benefits to lovers. You’ll see I wrote one early on and then restrained myself in 2019 (seriously, was was 2019?) until finally giving in. If I really let myself go those percentages might be much higher but I guess we’ll never know. 

Quick look at the overall. Unsurprisingly Established Relationship is highest given that my output of fics was higher during the time that was my preference. 

Canon Compliancy

Firstly I need to do a little definining of terms since this data was subjective and so the terminology I use might be different to how you would define things. So, for the sake of this data I have used terms thus: 

Canon Compliant - They have been together since 2009, events happen just as they have done up to the point of the fic being written (with the exception of 1 where I actually predicted the future so yay me)

Canon Adjacent - Mostly canon compliant, all events happened up to the point of the fic being written except usually for them being together. (I drew the line at calling these solidly AU because I wanted a way to be more nuanced)

Canon divergence - All events are compliant up to a point in time where something went differently. (eg, they break up, lose touch, Phil takes the internship etc)

AU  - What is canon? Who is she? Dan and Phil have totally different jobs, probably aren’t together, might not even know each other at first, and I can’t wait to find out how they fall in love

So like I said before, I prefer canon compliancy when I first join but soon discard canon and run with my imagination. Honestly AU is where I feel more comfortable, especially in Phan where the canon is basically a fic all of its own and there are only say many ways you can write the same scenario over and over. 

obligatory look at distribution across all Phan fics. 

POV

We’re only look at Phan fics here, but Other applies to outside POV. I did a couple early on but have since given up the practise. I like them, but I don’t gravitate toward them without a challenge or a specific prompt. 

I think these were the most surprising to be honest. I didn’t realise I favoured Dan POV as much as I do but that makes sense. I’m a Phillie, and Dan is the ultimate Phillie so I vibe with his point of view. lmao

Anyway that’s it for my little graphs, if you read this far without being bored out of your mind then let me know if anything surprised you, or if there’s any other data you’d like to see. I didn’t do anything about word count in here becuase I have my other tracker but maybe seeing wordcount by relationship etc might be fun. I also toyed with kudos/comments data but ultimately decided against it (mainly because these values change often - PLEASE ao3 let me export this data on a monthly basis and track it I beg) 

I also didn’t do anything about tropes or other tags because I thought that would be too subjective but I could look at it if people are interested. (Heck, I’m interested and could definitely see myself doing it one day)

Right. I’m going now. Come validate this post so I’m not just a crazy woman with a spreadsheet and too much time. Thanks <3

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

TGIF buddies, so for legal reasons this is a joke but-

Dabb I am coming for you in a very specific way for how you wrote Dean in 14x20: Moriah.  What the fuck that is just bad writing; even Jensen can’t do shit with this entirely un-nuanced script of Dean’s feelings about Jack.  F u.

(this is just a scene from the episode it is not intended to imply anything in any way.  again.  for legal reasons.)

HOWEVER THE REAL REASON for this post now that I’ve gotten your attention is that ->

I am mainly going feral in this rewatch dumpster over the opening of this episode.  THIS IS THE FUCKING DIVORCE ARC.  I know we call it that but this is specifically and very pointedly established in the opening of this episode.  I am certain someone has done this already, and better than me but you know what I am gonna do it for yall badly because no one asked me to.

(This got long, so come scream with me after the cut!)

First, Dean and Cas are fighting like quarreling parents.

Poor Sam look at his face. 

[Honestly the best acting jarpad has ever done is Sam’s super hell my brother is at it again with his love interest/boyfriend/husband face.  I would like to submit that and only that to the Academy (or whatever it is the Emmys are; again I know nothing ab this and you should take all of my opinions w zero respect and all the grains of salt in your house).]

Cas leaves LITERALLY like a scorned spouse 

[source]

Sam and Dean talk about Jack. Dean says they have to “do the ugly thing” (you know the hard thing instead of the heart thing), then -

DEAN: Ain't like it's the first time, though, right?

***As he turns back to the spot where Cas was standing with this look on his face.

Yes we know honey, Cas left you again.  You can never have love.  You are poison.  Shame/blame/guilt cycle commence. (hugging you tightly despite your terribly written dialogue in this scene).

- and -

THEN the next scene is Jack walking through the streets hearing snippets of conversations, mostly garbled but they made sure that some were loud and clear, specifically this following fucking dialogue -

MAN #3: (sitting at a café table with another man)

Baby, it's not you. It's me.

***just establishing a little breakup here.  no big deal. could be coincidental!  subtext shmubtext.

but then we get hit with this.

WOMAN #3: [sitting with boy and husband on a bench]

Just because Mommy and Daddy aren't gonna be together, we still love you.

DAD WITH WIFE AND BOY: Nothing's gonna change.

***this is literally the stereotypical TV the parents are getting a divorce language.  AND LOOK CLOSER!!!!!

LOOK HOW THEY DRESSED THE KID ->

HELLO?  he is wearing a khaki trenchcoat over a plaid flannel button down.  HELLO??

They cut to Jack’s face immediately after this snippet.

Is that not a kid devastated because he just found out his fucking parents are getting divorced?  Y’all really wanted us to believe Dean and Cas weren’t fucking married since Tombstone (thank you Jensen my beloved for memorializing that in your album cover btw I love you king).

INCHERESTING.

UPDATE: 

Just checked the production team for this episode, and Producer Steve Yockey and Executive Producer Meredith Glynn I am kissing you on the mouth.  SPN Wardrobe department you can come too.

***this was also not directed by Robert Singer.  What do we know about Phil Sigricca, who also directed Wayward Sisters and is currently directing on The Boys. Who is he I am now fully intending to stalk his twitter.  SOMEONE COME GET ME, this is not normal adult behavior.

LISTEN FAM IF NO ONE IS GOING TO DO THE SPN WRITERS ROOM EXPOSE I WILL HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF WHO IS COMING WITH ME WHO IS CALLING TMZ 

[yumgrapejuice]

ALRIGHT bitches it’s speculation time because my head is Buzzing with Thoughts

(long post incoming; all of this is /rp btw lol)

Okay so first I wanna establish what we know so far about Ender Ranboo (or, at least, what I remember lmao)

(I think it’s safe to assume when the voice talks about things that Ranboo does and doesn’t remember, he’s implying ERanboo is the one that does it. Not getting into the voice right now, but I’m gonna take whatever it has said as at least partial truth to what ERanboo has been doing.)

Ranboo isn’t conscious of ERanboo and only knows he exists because of the blackouts and because ERanboo leaves evidence of his existence

He’s most likely been helping out Dream at the very least from middle of December (Dream was aware of the butcher army that had been kept only between the cabinet members, so it’d make sense if ERanboo was the one that told him about it)

Dream had given him one of the discs, saying he trusts this state of Ranboo

He most likely gave Dream Ranboo’s memory book for some reason, which can mean multiple things, but I’m gonna assume here it could have been a sort of show of trust from his side too (which would mean there’s some sort of mutual trust between Dream and ERanboo)

ERanboo only writes in ender language, but, evident from what Sam said, can speak in English just fine (I don’t think it’s clear whether he can or cannot write in English as well)

He tends to roam around without interacting with anyone, not paying them any mind when they try to talk with him (based off of at least Fundy and Puffy’s attempt)

However, when he is interacting (based off of Sam and his chatting that one time with Phil, was it? Don’t recall exactly now), he acts just like Ranboo

Ranboo has woken up in places he didn’t remember falling asleep at, but never somewhere incriminating, which is either very lucky for ERanboo or it’s intentional

ERanboo is working on some sort of project and is cautious about not letting Ranboo find or figure out anything (hiding away the chest with the disc, disposing of the maps, hiding away his memory book, etc)

He’s visited the prison multiple times, the last time being between Bad’s and Ranboo’s attempted visit

He messed with the waivers, deleting everything and writing in ender

:) has an effect on him

Okay, so we have very little concrete information about ERanboo, but that’s not gonna stop me from trying to psychoanalyze him lmao. First things first, I think we can safely assume it is Ranboo, just a different state. When he does interact with others, he acts just like you’d expect Ranboo to act (biggest evidence being from the way Sam talked about him, never suspecting something to be off), and whlie you could argue he’s just pretending, I think it’s more likely he’s not, and I’ll tell you in a moment why. 

What sets him apart from Ranboo the most is his odd behavior, as mentioned in the bullet point. ERanboo doesn’t act like a human, which is very interesting, because Ranboo isn’t human either, but he’s mostly fine! To me it’s almost as if ERanboo has no concept of social norms or doesn’t care for them. Again, I think the former is more likely. ERanboo is intelligent, there’s no question about it, but he barely does anything to not come off as suspicious. If he’s working with Dream, that should be a priority to him, right? But he messed with the prison waivers, effectively locking himself out the moment Sam found out about it, which would just be dumb if he’d done it intentionally! Maybe he wanted to keep Ranboo out of the prison and this was his way of doing it, but it seems a bit too convoluted to me. Based off of his behavior with other people, I think his understanding of norms and proper communication and behavior is simply different. So yeah, he acts way less human than Ranboo, but is still Ranboo, because it’d make no sense if he pretended to be Ranboo but then continued acting suspicious in all other areas. 

The idea that ERanboo is a less human version of Ranboo gives ground for quite a bit of interesting speculation. I wanna talk about manipulation for a moment here. The fandom seems to have taken the term and just run with it lol. By definition, manipulation is skillful handling or something or someone, usually with the intention of acquiring something. Change variable A to get a desirable variable B. In essence, it’s not a bad or evil thing, it’s merely a tool that can be used for bad things. We engage in various forms of simple manipulation daily with no nefarious intentions! But generally, yes, it’s regarded as a bad thing because it’s mostly used for that, but those forms of manipulation are more intricate than the simple ones, such as gaslighting or emotional manipulation or the such. It goes from just trying to get your friend to let you copy their homework to convincing someone you’re the only one that cares. Something here is needed for manipulation to work; the victim needs to be susceptible enough.

If we took the clearest example from the dsmp, it’d be the whole Tommy thing during exile. The psychological manipulation Dream performed on Tommy was, speaking from an academic pov lol, very skillful. He hit Tommy where he knew it’d hurt, he was aware what Tommy valued and what he needed and how he thought, and used that against him for his own needs. Tommy, with how human he was, was the perfect victim (which sounds really really terrible and i am still not over that whole thing je sus chr ist). So, what I’m trying to get to here, can ERanboo... even be manipulated? At least, in the same sense or a similar way? Again, there are many types of manipulation, and just throwing the word around isn’t saying anything, but it just makes me think. How susceptible ERanboo actually is? He acts so unlike humans, at least from what we’ve seen so far, that imagining him being manipulated in the traditional sense feels a bit out of place (for me personally!!!). By no means am I saying I don’t believe that’s what’s going on, Dream can very well be manipulating ERanboo, but I also like to consider the alternatives, that, to me personally, seem more interesting :))

There are so many different ways we can speculate about Dream and ERanboo’s relationship, so I’m gonna give my own two cents lol. I’m gonna go off on the assumption that ERanboo’s isn’t being manipulated into helping Dream. Not only because I’m questioning whether he can even be manipulated, but also the nature of their relationship just seems... very personal? If it makes sense?

No one else is aware of it (Sam and I guess Sapnap now probably suspect something, though), and they’ve both been trying to keep it that way, even now when Dream’s locked up. If ERanboo was in any danger from Dream or was acting against his will, this could be the opportunity for him to get away, which he hasn’t been doing. That can be for multiple reasons, such as not realizing he’s being manipulated or being co-dependent or the such, but it can also very well be because he isn’t acting against his own will, and their relationship is based more on trust than deceit, for whatever reason. It’s really all about whether you’d like to think ERanboo is a puppet or if he has his free will and acts on his own accord, and I personally find the latter more fascinating:D  

Now, I really wanna talk about the whole :) thing, because FUCK is it so interesting. Up until now, I thought it was some sort of symbolic thing, but apparently not, and that opens up SO MUCH. Okay, first thing we gotta establish—not all :) are equal. 

Ranboo has had the smile in his memory book for a long while and has seen it multiple times without much of an effect (he does go quiet or more serious for a moment but that’s about it, at least lately). In the beginning, though, it had a much stronger effect, but less in regards to ERanboo and more about Ranboo’s own stability. It’d be great if we could separate which effects are intentional and which are just Ranboo freaking out lol. At the start, in regards to the smile in the book at least, I think it was more the latter. However, at one point he did say that looking at the smile is what causes the voice to appear, but lately it hasn’t been having any sort of effect. I have two guesses about it—either what impact it did have was caused by Ranboo’s instability, or the effect wore off over time. Issue with this is that we don’t know who exactly wrote the smile in the book. It could have been Dream, but it also could have been ERanboo for whatever reason. Because I don’t know, I’m not going to speculate about this particular smile any further. If it was written by Dream, intentions could also play a role here, but again, it’s pure guesswork.

What I am going to speculate is the other smiles, namely on the “thanks :)” note and Sapnap’s message. Both of these were definitely written by Dream, and I think both of these were intended for ERanboo, not Ranboo. On one of Ranboo’s latest stream’s, he started in his ender state, I think we can all agree on that. He went back to his house and found the thanks note, looked at it for a moment, and boom, Ranboo was back. Now, Sapnap said Dream had a message for him, sent him a smile, and boom, ERanboo time. So :) that is directly written by Dream must be some sort of trigger for their switch, but I think ERanboo is fully aware of it, and is, in fact, taking advantage of it. Ranboo never woke up in any suspicious place that put ERanboo’s plans in jeopardy, and has, actually, been waking up in his house lately! Surely, that’d make him less suspicious about what ERanboo is doing, right? ERanboo may not care much for how others perceived him, but I think he’s definitely taking a lot of precaution to keep Ranboo out of his business. 

No idea how :) came to be, but I think it’s a relatively new thing. The first time we’ve seen it in Ranboo’s vicinity was during the failed festival with the whole memory book and traitor thing. That didn’t immediately cause a switch, which leads me to believe either Dream didn’t write it, it wasn’t perceived as an indication to switch by ERanboo, or it wasn’t yet a trigger. Whatever the reason, we’ve only seen the smile be utilized for switching only a couple of times, both of which were very recent, so we can’t really assume it’s an old thing. It could have been developed as a sort of measure for ERanboo and Dream to have more control over switching, which would make sense if ERanboo is working on some sort of big project.

TL;DR: ERanboo is very confusing and very interesting and this mf is not even trying to be human, what’s his and dream’s deal, who knows, not me, very excited to see what the hell is happening

It’s very difficult to speculate about this since we’ve had so little info, but yeah! That’s what I’ve got right now lol. One single stream can throw all of my speculations out the window, which I’m more than happy to see happen if we get more insight on what’s actually happening:D 

i just think they’re rlly cool okay,,,,

(i’d also actually really like to hear what y’all think is going on, it’s so fun to speculate:>>)

[kae-karo]

fic writer interview!

i saw @prince-liest do this and thus i will take ur 'tagging anyone who wants to do this' seriously lmaoooo (also hi btw hope ur well!!! 💜💜)

How many works do you have on AO3?

ahaha,,,,,159 lmao

What's your total AO3 word count?

fdsjkkjlsfdklj as of today, 2,089,769

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

only three fsdjkldslfkj the phandom (dan&phil), bnha, and genshin!

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

chosen (x) - zhongchi (genshin)

to love (and be loved in return) (x) - kaeluc (genshin)

little bird (x) - dabihawks (bnha)

feet don't touch the ground (x) - xiaoven (genshin)

i knew you were fire (x) - dabihawks (bnha)

honestly none of that surprises me except that little bird is still up there, although i think i owe that to sif (@the-final-sif) for sharing it around the time it got posted since it was partly inspired by her raptor stress grip post!!

the rest are all chaptered fics, which is mostly what i expected to be in the top 5 lmao

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

yes!!! always!!!! no matter what u comment, i will respond!!! and if i don't, it's probably cause ao3 didn't notify me properly or i didn't see it in my inbox or something

as for why, it's mostly to do with like...i know how hard it can be for some people to comment, even just a bunch of heart emojis or a 'i loved this!' or something short and simple? and it means a lot to me that ppl are going out of their way to say something nice, no matter how small, and it's really really important to me to acknowledge that

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

hmm,,,,,this is a hard one, cause for a very long time, my policy was that my fic would always have a happy ending? and for a long time, that was true!! but the dabihawks interaction (during the raid) broke me, and from an emotional standpoint, i think freeing icarus (x) is probably the one that has the angstiest ending of the two or so that i wrote in that time?

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

u know i really haven't written any crossovers? it's normally not my thing cause my brain typically focuses on a single thing and doesn't really have the capacity to think about more than that, so i end up writing just au-style or fusion-style (shoutout to that one bnha but it was scooby doo fic i wrote - x)

i don't think i'd be opposed to writing a crossover but i'd have to be SUPER inspired by the idea and both fandoms lmao

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

aha yes, i have. the only straight up hate i've received was on a kaeluc fic (surprisingly not because it was kaeluc, but bc i was 'mistreating' kaeya in the fic) - to be entirely fair, the commenter pointed out something that i hadn't realized myself, and it led to a second piece of the story that helped me tie up some loose ends, but...let's just say they weren't very kind about their feelings lmao

other than that, i had someone very upset because i didn't tag which character was bottoming in a fic (valid if that bugs u!) and they read through most of it before getting to the smut (and said that they enjoyed everything up to that point) then said they were 'disgusted' by it. i have opinions on that and a few other comments they made, but i will keep them to myself lmao

and beyond that, just a few ppl on my xiaoven fic saying that they were unhappy about the background kaeluc (which is tagged lmao) - really no hate whatsoever til genshin, honestly, which is...very hmmmm :) lmao

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

yep!!! mostly vanilla or vanilla-adjacent lmao i'm not super into heavy kink, although i know if epi reads this she's gonna call me out for being a monsterfucker bc of my dragon!zhongli smut :) lmaoooo but really i tend to write pretty vanilla smut! i also prefer to avoid any noncon/dubcon or hate sex or anything particularly angsty, just not my jam to write!

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

hmm i don't think so? although i don't heavily monitor ao3 (or wattpad/ffn), so i can't really say that for sure lmao

Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes!!! i've had a few fics translated to russian (little bird is one of them!) which is very sweet and i hope that anyone who prefers to read in russian has been enjoying those fics!!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

alksdfjklsdf only once, and it's deadass how me and rose got together. we decided to co-write a podcast au fic for the phandom (x) and ended up flirting via google docs asldkfjkldsfj

What’s your all time favourite ship?

what a horrible question, making me choose between my children like this!!!! sdlfkjdskf tbh i'm not sure i have a real answer bc it changes as i go? and 'favorite' is so vague,,,,,favorite to read? to write about? to think about? asdklfjkjsdfk i really don't know if i have an answer, but i'll maybe say kaeluc for now lmao

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

well first and foremost, with only 2 exceptions, i never post a fic unless it's done. i tend to follow wherever my passion leads my brain, so i'm notorious for jumping around between stories and taking breaks from long fic and returning later on to finish them, and i know that i would not do well under the pressure of posting something unfinished and trying to finish it in a timely manner

that said, many wips sit in my google doc folder, but one is Well Known as the one that has followed me through both the phandom and bnha (rose keeps asking who i'm gonna switch the chars to in genshin, but i think it suits bakudeku too well to do that) - only the lonely survive. it sits at like 36k in my wip folder, and i adore the story dearly and i want very much to finish it, but it never makes it quite to the forefront of my motivation, and so it rarely if ever gets worked on...i hate the idea of 'never' finishing it, but it's unfortunately quite likely that i won't 😭😭😭

What are your writing strengths?

emotion!!! and immersion!!! it's my goal in a fic to make it as immersive as possible and saturated with emotion to help convey that feeling of being in the place of the pov character, and i think i do it pretty well. also just bc i feel a little obligated to say it - another strength is actually sitting down and putting words down. i know that's a struggle for a lot of writers and i often get,,,,lovingly bullied? i guess? lmao for being able to bash out a few k in a day most days

What are your writing weaknesses?

this isn't so much a weakness i guess but i am basically incapable of treating crack fic as crack. if i have a cracky idea, it will, without a doubt, end up turning into a Perfectly Serious fic somehow (notable 'crack treated so seriously that it's no longer crack' fics include: todoroki doing the freeze-the-ocean thing from frozen 2, 'shmigaraki', todo and denki get together bc of vine references, the league sells feet pics, shiggy and natsu own a nightclub/bakery, scooby doo but make it bnha, and dabi getting his ears pierced at claire's)

but in all seriousness, i think my main weakness is that i often get comfortable? and i'm not one to typically push myself forcefully out of my comfort zone when it comes to stories that i come up with on my own, which often means that ideas inspired by discussions with others are what prompt me to branch out and try new things?

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i think, like anything, it has its place? there are certainly stories where it makes sense to do that and even adds depth to a story, although i personally am not exceptionally comfortable enough with other languages (except maybe asl) to do that in fic myself without the assistance of someone very comfortable with that language lmao

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

the phandom! not really my jam to write rpf anymore but it definitely got me started and i'm really grateful for my time writing there, as everyone was super supportive and kind, and it was really a perfect place for a beginner to get comfortable and practice

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

again, forcing me to choose between my children...i really don't know that i can pick one fic bc they all exist in such wildly different spaces? i poured my worldbuilding soul into the king of disaster series (mainly dabihawks - x), exile (dan and phil - x) was my first massively long fic, our hearts are heavy burdens we shouldn't have to bear alone (chayea - x) is probably my favorite character/character dynamic study, i'm exceptionally proud of the smut in chosen (zhongchi - x), the list goes on and on and on lmao like. i could probably list half my fics as favorites in some regard dsflkjdfsjkl

anyway, tyty bellamy for putting this on my dash so i could do it as well!!

tagging: literally anyone who wants to do this, i have so many writer friends slkdjfjklsdf but please please tag me if u do it so i can read urs!!! 💜💜💜

[wanon]

Hiiiii!!! So I showed one of my friends your Whiteza Maiden AU and well.. They ended up with alot of question I dont know how to respond to. May I have the answers for them? 1) Why is White doing this. What are his goals?

2) Did Phil sign his own slave warrant? Will he ever return back with Techno?

3) Is White like Bill Cypher?

4) How did White come into being?

5) How did White even reach Phil?

6) Why does White have claws?

7) Philza's wings were ripped out of his body and apparently replaced with new ones. Are those permanent? Does that mean he is (or at least his wings) are now immortal?

8) Is this kinda like Greek Myths?

9) Is Void/Blackza ever going to be in the storyline?

10) Is this some kinda story where the "good" characters are bad and the "bad" characters are good? I've read Tommyinnit's Clinic for Supervillains, I know how these go.

11) I know Phil is usually associated with crows. Is White associated with something like Eagles?

12) How much time passes in Techno's world than in White's Realm?

13) What is Phil's job? Like- why does he kill people in his dream sequence? 14) Is White a substitute for Dream's manipulation? To be compelety honest I am most curious about the 9. question! I hope you see this cause they can sometimes be quite impatient

But Me and alot of my friends love this AU! Keep it up :D

Hi anon!! I'm so happy you and your friends like the story :] I'll try to answer as many of these as well as I can but some of them I obviously can't due to plot reasons lol, the answers are under the read more <3

1) He wants a weapon to control. A weapon to kill other gods and other creatures of Void to grow in power

2) He did, the reason for the deal can be seen in the first comics! Here's the link for it! And the second I can't answer yet :]

3) I thought about it after reading the question and.. No? I loved Bill as a villain but I think White is more manipulative, using emotions rather than purely frightening others.

4) Gods are shaped by the Void, born from dying stars! A future comic will go further into detail of how White was especially born and how he became what he is now.

5) He heard whispers of a so called 'Angel of Death' and honestly, if you're a god, wouldn't that interest you?

6) Purely design choice, I like how they look LMAO

7) The wings are permanent yes! And Phil was an immortal already, same goes for Techno :] However White giving Phil new wings does mean that they're bound by blood now, more than before ;]

8) I don't think so? If there's similarities then that's cool!

9) Yes!! They're called Grey in the comic/story however :D You can find some concept art, normal art AND a short comedy comic with him already! Honestly can't wait to draw more of them, they're definitely my fave in the story <3

10) I haven't read that and no. White is a bad character, he's the villain of the story. There are... Grey characters however (get it?)

11) Honestly I associated him with a swan or a white peacock! You can associate him with any bird you like tho lol

12) The time changes unknowingly, it's hard to keep track of it when there's no night in White's realm, only day. I will say though, Phil believes he has only been with White for no more than a month ;]

13) In dream sequence? This threw me off a bit honestly, if you mean why he kills for White, then that was answered in first one. If you mean in the latest post, then he was scared. He thought the people were going to hurt him like White did. (btw I wrote an alternative ending to that for funsies and he actually made it out with their help :] )

14) No. Honestly at this point White Maiden is it's own story, y'know? There won't be any characters from d/smp.

I hope these answered some questions! Feel free to ask for more stuff :]

[foryouthegays]

techno liveblog w timestamps lets go for ‘a new home (dream SMP)’ stream

good laugh times: 00:13:50, 00:14:55, 1:38:45, ik it doesnt look like a lot but like u should watch the stream anyway bc philzas there and his laugh is amazing and they just go so well together

times techno calls phil his friend: 00:6:00 00:37:00, 00:45:17, 0:1:09:30, 01:11:15, 01:26:35, 01:50:05, 2:35:00

FSDJKFAF;LS HE KEPT THE MUTED INTRO IN JHKADFLS (ends at 00:1:25)

i like how, when faced with Leaving Youtube, techno would choose to be an author. i want a book by techno. reblog this if u want a book by techno (with an audiobook by him as well) /hj. 00:1:33

i love how he says ehhhhhh so much lskjhdfas (abt 2 mins in) 

who the FUCK just remembers that the word fortuitous exists wtf 00:5:17

00:7:45 PHILZA TIME PHILZA TIME LETS GO

00:8:55 tommy time :/

0:14:10 rANBOO JUST WALKS IN, LOOKS AROUN ,AND LEA VE SIM CRYING 

i love how much philza laughs at technos jokes bc pretty much everything he says IS a joke he just says it in such a serious voice that p much everyone else is like,,,yeah,,,,yup,,,,and phil just knows when hes joking and his laugh is so good with technos voice. sbi? whos that? i only know philza and technoblade

00:19:30 ghostbur joins! this is my first time hearin ghostbur btw

00:19:40 haha string axe technos so bad at crafting what a fool /j

00:21:07 ghostbur: “Even I remember how to make a fishing rod!” ghostbur u just MURDERED technoblade oh my god im gonna scream hgjdfksla i love ghostbur so much

00:23:55: GHOSTBUR NO!! DON’T DIE YOU’LL BECOME A DOUBLE GHOST!!!! -technoblade 2020

00:24:55 technoblade neva lies -guys he almost did the technoblade neva dies ahh!!!!!

i havent heard anyone talk about this but techno has a dedicated roleplay voice. like listen to him talk to tommy at 00:25:08. his voice gets more even, he uses names a lot more often (seriously, listen to his theseus speech. he says tommy so often, its incredible.), and his voice gets,,,,deeper? not deeper but smoother, in a way, and he repeats what he says for emphasis instead of humor. and his voice is louder, and he seems more assertive. 

00:27:30 philza: where we goin, by the way? techno: to our- to my new home. 

techno cmon let phil live w u wed get so much more content cmonn

00:28:50 the fact that he calls the manhunt theme “dream music” makes me laugh so hard. and then his version of it,,,,,m love he (also he sings it here and at  01:14:20)

00:35:10 why is ranboo so cryptic im-

why does he just casually know the word sentry wh at i hate him 00:39:45

this is the worst sentence (structurally) ive ever heard techno say im gonna cry 00:49:33 ‘im too busy thinkin of new ideas to sleep so i could actually execute them’ and tubbos *oh?* after is just hdsfgkjlka

LKSJDHFJK 00:51:49

00:54:30

techno: thats one of dreams powers, he can just stop the rain

tubbo, quietly: like jesus!

i love them sm dsfhkjla they kept going but i jus gdfhjksa jesus has op

techno @ being the second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans: haha funnie!!

techno @ having fun w religious stuff: i wILL BE CANCELLED NO-

00:58:10 “hey if ur [ghostbur]  a ghost, do instant damage potions heal you now?” “...no,, they hurt me still :(” DSIULZKJHFSLKFJH 

01:04:00 his brother named the cow bob im- aww 

also he has a fanart wall again!!!

01:09:30 “phil, you’re the only friend i have left in this world.” aWWWWW HE GAVE HIM THE COMPASS 

“dont smoke, it’s a joke” -technoblade 01:14:15

ROLEPLAY SPEECH VOICE IS BACK AT 1:16:10 “they pillage my base for everything i’m worth, they use me for the revolution, but oooOOOoo i took a pickaxe with his consent? oOOOooOo i’m a thief!”

holy shit 01:17:15 “you know what, phil? for you, the world, alright? it’s fine.” oH MY GOD HHHHGHG (context, right before they were arguing bc phil took some blocks from his base and techno thought that when he said phil could take anything he meant from the chests)

the COMIDY of that villager coming in and sleeping while techno was readin donos at 01:22:05 RIGHT AFTER phil freaked out abt inturruptin his dono readin im SFDHKJLA:

techno talkin bout the winstreak and how he wont be able to live up to that sort of playin at 01:22:30ish is super important and ill transcribe it tomorrow, but if u can id highly rec watchin it. 

01:24:20 “[readin dono] what’s your favorite movie? uh, the princess bride is pretty good” techno ily that movie rocks also he said it so fast like hes ashamed of it noo

techno says no to canon ranboo son btw! 01:25:30

01:25:55 “i wasnt in that story, therefore it doesnt matter” all of technoblr be like 

01:37:49 is great lemmie transcribe

“how have you still not gotten a second monitor?? holy shit.”

“let me tell you something. and im only telling you this because i know that so many people in the chat are gonna be furious. so i recently realized- i think the second monitor can just be any ol’ monitor, right? you literally just plug it in, and its set up? well i mean you have to turn on some settings, but like, thats it, or something?”

“yeah,,,,, uh techno you fuckin destroyed my chat, by the way, oh my god, [earlier techno told his viewers to twitch prime philza] there has been like 40 primes just flying through”

“yeahhh twitch prime!!! twitch prime philza yeahh!!! so anyways the other day, i like, i looked to my left, and realized that my old monitor has been like, five feet away from where i sit and stream for the last three years?”

“oh my god...”

“so i- i literally do not have to leave my room to set up a second monitor and i havent. and i’m still usin my laptop for this stream.

“is this gonna be one of those situations where you like, you have a thing, you just refuse to do the thing?”

“listen, my desk is-

“yOU STILL HAVENT OPENED UP THE HYPIXEL PACKAGE!!!”

“AHHHH I HAVENT OPENED UP THE HYPIXEL PACKAGE! I HAVENT EVEN OPENED UP MY MCC COIN! DUDE I HAVENT EVEN OPENED UP MY ONE MILLION SUBSCRIBER PLAQUE! ITS STILL THERE RIGHT BEHIND ME! ITs sTILL IN THE BOX! i never made a video on it....”

“bruhhhhh [philza laughs] thats FREE VIEWS what are you doing??”

“ill open it at 8 mil :/.”

“you could LITERALLY make a video of you just like, throwing it off a wall, and then thumbing up, like doing a thumbs up, and then that would be it. 10 seconds. ten seconds. thumb and elbow in shot. [laughs]”

techno is such a disaster i love him

01:34:18 the way techno says “tommy, that statement has NEVER been true” i dont like sayin i simp for block men but GOD sometimes his voice is nicer than usual hhhgn

“man i sure wish tommyinnit was in this stream” -nobody ever (just after previous timestamp)

01:40:15 is fuckin hilarious and im actually crying oh my god techno just says things and says them well with a completely straight face how does he do it

i cannot WAIT until theres a president w the last/first name andy so we can say president andy and think abt technoblade

IM CRIASDNGUSFHD 01:44:38 PHILZA LOOK OUT LOOK OUT PHILZA  LSKJDAFJASD;LKF

i love when techno talks abt his vids. like u can tell he puts a lot of thought into the vids (esp these ones) and like at 01:47:00 he talks abt the “I DIDNT PUT DEAPTH STRIDER ON THOSE BOOTS, FUNDY!” and how its just that creepin realization that you were doomed from the start and how he made the armor, he isnt intimidated by the netherite bc he didnt enchant it all the way and only he knows that,,, and i just,,,hgg he

he reveals that hes writin the next arc at 01:48:00: “oh, speakin of arcs, chat, i’m writing the next arc. so, you know. hope nothin bad happens in two weeks, chat!” IM SO EXCITED like he clearly has his character fleshed out and is SO good at writing and retellin history im so so excited to see where he takes it AHHHH and also taht means he might stream more bc he might make his character more important (keep in mind this is the guy who wrote self insert hypixel fanfics. he has no shame in puttin himself first and i respect him so much for it) 

01:51:20 “they’re tryin to get a second customer but they’re riskin their first” is lowkey a good line

has anyone else noticed that techno says wise a lot? like at 01:55:10 he literally says “wise dragon armor” as a joke but like i think he says wise so much BECAUSE of skyblock like hjkfdsla

01:57:30 techno plea se eat 

ok 1:58:45 is hilarious and all but at the end of his ramble he says “come back, i miss you” and lowkey im crying 

techno needs to stop knowing his audience more than we know ourselves im hsfkjda 02:05:25 “the chat’s spammin ‘eat technoblade, eat!’ like they’re not gonna start, like, theyre not gonna get super sad if i ended the stream right now, like theyre not gonna all cry ‘i miss technoblade *sniffs* why- whyd he leave to eat food, why did he listen to our advice noooo’”

02:14:50 NEW VIDEO POGGGG CARL THE HORSE POGGGGGG  NOT A STREAM HIGHLIGHT POGGGGG

02:17:40 “i could start a potato farm out here to show how much ive changed” techno last time u made a potato farm u started an entire war that lasted a year that does NOT say calm and retired to me lskgdfjagsldj

02:23:00 why does techno just reference greek mythology so much. makin me scared for his arc. 

also he talks abt smp earth a lot in this stream i love it so much

i also just. love?? how much sbi respect tommy like they bully him but when talkin bout him they just have so much respect for how much work he puts into youtube and i just,,,,hgnn they r friends 

02:33:13 sbi streamer house lets go cmon

02:34:15 “i think if i streamed every day i could keep up” on one hand YE S  but on the ohter oh god techno no we have to keep up tho

hearing techno say “violence isnt the answer” is so scary  02:35:40

02:37:30 technosneeze 

hiS BROTHER SENT HIM 46 DISCORD MESSAGES SFKDJLFLKASF 2:49:25 i love his end screen so much hes just sadness,,,,retirement,,,t,echnoblade,,,the government is going to fall on its own due to lack of organization and ideals,,,,,,subscribe,,,,,sadness,,,,,also 2:50:45 is making me laugh so hard its just sad music and technos like??? whys phil in my house drinking milk????? 

overall, fantastic stream, if ya want some chill techno philza content i highly recommend. 

[jack-enbyfold]

I’m not writing a fic but I’ve got dialogue damn it.

After the final Trial. Ranboo played a rigged game for Wilbur’s death but his execution.

[He was thrown in a very deep pit themed like an old time print shop. He was forced to write down everything he remembered about the killing game in front of a timer labeled “deadline”. Every word he typed was 1 link added on to a giant chain out of his hole, attached to a journal-shaped weight at the top. He actually finishing and was climbing out when it hit 0. However, the timer changed to say “FIRED” and everything began burning. The chain he was climbing wrapped around him, pulling/tying him up as the ditch was flooded to “put out the fire.”]

What was SUPPOSED to happen was that all the top chain would shatter, implying his writing/memory was too weak, and he would be sent down to drown. (It’s called Weak-Link btw)

What happened instead was the players remaining, with information/tools Wilbur had given them before he forced Phil to kill him, had managed to stop it. Fundy gets a cool moment where they’re looking at the machine and everyone’s like “alright ultimate coder, can you stop this?” And Fundy goes “yeah” and starts smashing.

Ranboo ends up tossed to the ground next to the pit of water. Tubbo runs in to try and save him but is met by Technoblade and oops I wrote stuff.

——

“I thought you wanted despair!”

“I do- I- I did…”

“LAIR!” Technoblade lunged at Tubbo but stopped, letting him fall back as he tried to jerk away. He fell on his back with a pathetic thud.

“I’m NOT! I loved despair, I lived through it… but now I’ve tried something different.” Tubbo drew a shaky breath, forcing himself to meet the pig-masked gaze. “Something I’ve always had. I’ve always wanted! With Tommy I almost had it… I could have had it… but you took that. I hate you for it. Technoblade, Philza, even Wilbur. I hate you.”

Ranboo winced at Tubbo’s growing dark tone. He didn’t like it, he didn’t want whatever was going to happen to Tubbo for it to happen. He expected a laugh or a scoff, or worse, a slice or thunk or scream, but none of those came. Something sparked inside him. Something familiar, something good. The slightest sliver of hope dug it’s way into his chest, shot by the blessed silence. He  craned his neck, twisting in the heavy chains so he could look up at the masked man. There he was surprised yet again. There was no gnarled smile or vicious glare on Technoblade’s face, there was not cold empty apathy either, just a small humble frown. Ranboo squinted. Was the pressure of the weights getting to his head or was Technoblade… shaking?

“You…” he raped, not even flinching as both sets of eyes locked into him. “You… reg… regret it…” he gasped again, “d… don’t… you?”

A quizzical, piercing, glare was his only answer. It served more as a warning than a question but Ranboo answered anyway, even as just breathing was beginning to cause him pain.

“T… Tommy… you… regret… k…killing… hi-“

“SHUT UP!” The shaking in his hands became clear even to Ranboo at this point. The trident he was holding seemed to bend under how tight he gripped it, his eyes grew the wildest Ranboo had ever seen them even with all the bloodlust of this cursed game. He raised it up high and Ranboo wondered if it was more cowardly to squeeze his eyes shut or let them widen— And then Technoblade relaxed. His shoulders fell and the trident slipped from his fingers. It hit the ground with a boisterous clang, as if it too were confused by the shift in energy.

Techno stood there for a moment, looking down at the thing. His hands trembled furiously, he lifted them up to look at them, then he brought them over his face. “He… hehe…” he laughed. It wasn’t evil or wild or sarcastic- but it wasn’t humorous at all either. “Heheheh… hahaha… ahahahah… AHAHAHAHAH!”

Technoblades hands flew down; Ranboo could hear Tubbo’s gasp alongside his own as the hog mask came off with them. It was dropped to the ground with an unceremonious clatter mostly drowned out the the deranged laughter. It was off. Ranboo couldn’t breathe. That might be attributed to the weights and chains pinning him to the floor but he couldn’t help but attach it to the fact he could see Technoblade’s face. The mask that had haunted and tourmented them laid discarded a few feet away. Ranboo, almost wistfully, recalled a time they thought seeing behind the mask would solve their problems. What a stupid goal that had been. Technoblade’s skin was absolutely soaked with tears that still streamed down like lakes of acid, his eyes were bloodshot with pain and misery but his smile stretched ecstatic from ear to ear.

“Why are you smiling?” Tubbo demanded, audibly distressed by this turn of events. “Why do you try to hard to be miserable? You aren’t happy! I know you’re not!”

“Because,” Technoblade laughed. “You’re hurting me! I’m- it’s- DESPAIR!” Some awful mix of cackling and sobbing escaping his throat as he doubled over, holding his sides.

“You’re not happy.”

“Oh, Tubbo, I am! How can I not be? I’m miserable! I’ve never been so-“

“There’s another way, Technoblade.” Tubbo walked into Ranboo’s field of vision, leaning down next to the monster and placing his hand on his shoulder.

It was so easy to forget but Tubbo— him and Tommy— they’d been family to Wilbur and Techno. An awful, distorted, mockery of a family but a family done the less. Wilbur had certainly cared about Tommy and Tommy seemed to really love Tubbo. Ranboo wished he’d gotten to know him better.

“I will never, ever, forgive you.” Another round of hysterics spilled out of Technoblade. “But this isn’t right for anyone. There’s more, better, ways to find joy. Real joy. Honestly, despair is fucking overrated.” Despite the pain Ranboo found it in himself to laugh. He was too caught up in Tubbo’s speech to notice the figure looming behind him. “Please, Teachnoblade, have hope. Believe that there’s something better because there is. I’ve been in despair all my life, it’s all I’ve known, but—“

“Oh, Tubbo…” a pitying tone interrupted the moment.

Ice shot through Ranboo’s skeleton as the voice sliced from behind him. He tried to squirm himself around to face it but only hurt himself, he tried not to whimper as his shoulder and spine began to throb. He knew who the voice belonged to. He’d barely seen him but there was no way he could ever forget… Philza. “PLE-“ he gasped and sputtered. He didn’t have it in him to scream.

“If despair is all you know…” a cold hand gripped the chains around Ranboo’s back and yanked him sharply to his knees.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. What was that? No. Was that his heartbeat or his thoughts? No please no. So fast. He couldn’t breathe. So heavy… he ached. The tank was still next to them. He’d lost the trial.

“Then you’ve never really known despair!” The delight in the voice was sickening. Ranboo hated it would be the last thing he ever heard.

He hit the water to quick and sunk even quicker. It froze and burned and stung, he barely had time to register the pain of being thrown before he was falling. He was falling right? There’s no way he was sinking he was moving much too fast. And he was cold. He was so cold. If he was drowning wouldn’t he need to breathe? He didn’t feel like he was suffocating… he didn’t feel…

He hoped Tubbo would keep his promise.

Yooooo, holy shit. That execution was a great concept honestly. And I forgot how fucking weird Despair folks could be honestly. Your writing is so good! Poor Tubbo!

[tempo-takoyaki]

I wanna ask!! 1) Of all the fics you’ve written, which one your favorite and why? 7) Who was your favorite character to write in your fav fic, Love List, & Can You Hear the Sea? 8) Which usually came first, the title or the fic? 10) What are some facts readers may not know about your fav fic, Love List, & Can You Hear the Sea? 11) This isn't in the question list, but if you don't mind, who's your fav in your monster AU??

Wow that will be long ! Okay here I go !

1) Of all the fics you’ve written, which is your favorite and why?

Tricky question. Currently my fav one is actually one I still haven’t finished. So I’m going to choose the closest to it in the ones I posted which is “Sing me a song about a happy Goodbye”. It had been a while since I wanted to write Something similar to “Can You Hear The Sea?” and “1cm per month” and Something about Isabella and Ray’s relationship that had this kind of… “It seems alright but it’s not” feeling. Btw I actually wrote the whole fic listening to celtic music!

I do love each of my fics very much since I only post those I really like (I have a bunch of unused drafts in my phone and computer) so it is a though choice… Also I need to choose something other than “Love List” which is the most self-indulgent fic for me. I really have a lot of fun writing it. 

7) Who was your favorite character to write in “Sing me a song about a happy Goodbye”, “Love List” and “Can You Hear The Sea?” ?

I loved writing Isabella as in Sing Me a Song about a Happy Goodbye. (Which is nice since she is the focus)

In Love List, Barbara is SUPER FUN to write. She has to have this kind of seductive but absolute dumbass energy while being super horny at the same time it is hilarious. (Good thing again she is the protagonist) 

For Can You Hear The Sea? I would say Carol. It’s kind of biased since I had to imagine her whole personality since she currently is a toddler so of course I made her act how I wanted and not how the character would be. But I still really like the little story I made for her and her teenage crush on Ray. (In all the other stories I want to make her appear in she still is very close to him)

8) Which usually came first, the title or the fic?

It’s very specific for each one so I’ll make a small summary.

Can You Hear The Sea? : The title came first (though I still had some part of the plot in mind) and actually comes from two things ! The first one is a movie (and novel) called Umi Ga Kikoeru (Ocean waves) that I had watched with my father before writing it and it stucked in my mind (though the scenario has absolutely NOTHING to do with what happens in Can You Hear The Sea?) and the second one is L’Etranger (The Outsider) by Albert Camus, I studied the book in class before writing the fic and it was my main inspiration for it. There’s a recurrent theme in the book which is the sea and how it reminds of good things. the writing style is what inspired me for the way I write in Can You Hear the Sea?.

1cm per month : The title first definitely ! (since the title directed every part of the fic) Like Can You Hear The Sea? The title comes from another japanese movie called 5cm per seconds (which is the time a cherry blossom’s petal takes to fall on the ground). Again I just thought it sounded cool.

Magia and Another Heaven : The songs inspired me the titles. So the titles came first.

Caster’s Master, Let’s Play Werewolves! and Sing Me a Song about a Happy Goodbye : I needed a title. The fic came first (for most of them I had a completely different title written in my drafts, I even changed the last one a hundred times)

Yellow Tulip : I wanted flower language. I needed to find which flower. Boom. Title. But the plot came first. So fic first surprisingly.

Love List : This fic is pure self-indulgent and I wanted a title that sounded cool. And Love List came immediatly into my mind… But fic first anyway. (I actually wrote it in a draft on my phone where the input title was the serie’s one because Love List was intended to be a one-shot… oops)

Pretty? No, Cute. : Fic first surprisingly. The fic was originally called Princess, but then the last dialogue came out. And I was like… Nah.

At which point did you though it was a good idea? : Fic first. The title is me talking to myself. (But I have no regrets)

10) What are some facts readers may not know about Sing Me a Song About a Happy Goodbye, Love List, & Can You Hear the Sea?

Here I go ! (It’s long)

Sing me a song about a happy Goodbye

It was supposed to be a multi-chapter fic that was an alternate universe to Can You Hear The Sea? Where Ray and Norman stayed with Emma.

The story is set in Europe ! I didn’t specify the country but for me it was in England. 

Ray was supposed to get a girlfriend who came from Glory Bell. She was a few years older than him and was about to accept to become a Mama when she was sent to the human world with the others. She is not particularly pretty but very cute.

It’s not because Isabella was a “number” that she couldn’t get a job, but because she was a “mama”. 

All other facts are kept for the sequel with Norman POV. ;)

Love List 

I... uh… was just horny… but not too much… huh… I needed girls and sexual tension okay?! I was in a phase when I really wanted a girlfriend so I decided that I should help myself by writing this fic. Now this phase is kind of gone (lie, I still want a girlfriend but there’s school), hence why I haven’t wrote much.

Norman was supposed to be a COMPLETE ASS in this fic at first (I even wrote some of those parts). He was manipulative, possessive and jelaous as hell. Then I thought : “Norman is a gentleman. Norman wouldn’t do that.” And I re-wrote him so that he is the nice and helpeful dude he is now.

I never, and won’t, I think, published a whole dialogue between Norman and Barbara when he is forced (because of her puppy eyes) to explain to her how two girls have sex. (one of the reasons why I changed his characterization, that scene was too funny for him to be an ass)

I literally drew EVERY scene before writing them! I have sketches for all of them!

Can You Hear The Sea?

I drew most of the scenes before writing them.

“Actually, I think I would have preferred you two being dead.” is the first real replica I had thought about in the whole fic. It’s in my very first drafts. Though back then it was written as a simple “I hate you two”, followed by a “I know” from Ray.

I knew the end since writing chapter 1, but I didn’t know what would exactly be in the middle (I just thought : I want to write that, and that, and that... And we will see how it goes)

One of the cut scenes is Emma cutting her hair in front if Phil at the beach before telling him that she won’t leave him alone anymore.

A whole part of the plot that was cut was Emma’s alcoholism as well as her having her first time (understand here : sex) with her best friend at the time who was a delinquant boy, and the only person who would dare approach her. There was no feeling, and it actually was pretty lame, like a first time. 

SHELLY IS A FREAKING GYARU

Except Phil, most of the GF kids who have the legal age to work works in the family restaurant where Emma herself used to work before her illness forced her to quit. The manager loves them.

Carol’s past is light compared to the other GF kids… But it still used to be hard enough for her that she attempted suicide a year before Ray and Norman came back (yes, 12, like Ray). When she meets Ray, she is actually coming out of a heavy depression that lasted during most of her childhood.

To answer an unanswered question “Why 8 years?” Fufufu... I needed Phil to be 16. That’s it. That’s the reason. 

There was supposed to be an epilogue, and then I thought that an open end was cool.

11) This isn't in the question list, but if you don't mind, who's your fav in your monster AU??

I’m going to guess that you are talking about their monster’s type and how well I thought it would fit them. There’s two, Nat, who is a Tengu (because of their long noses) and Barbara who is a Wendigo (her design is a mess but God I’m proud of that one).

As for who in terms of how they act with their monster nature… Yuugo. Because… huh… Look up “Tanuki” in google. You will understand. *snorts like a dumb teenager* You will understand.

Thank you for all the question ! (^^)/

[ripplestitchskein]

Was explaining to Boyfriend that The Chase was my favorite movie as a wee 4th grade Steffie because I had a huge crush on both Charlie Sheen and Kristy Swanson and it’s basically just a movie about a kinda sleazy dude who is still a decent person and a jaded woman who takes no shit going on an adventure in a car and falling in love and he was like “It’s like they wrote it for you specifically.”

Which made me think about the other stuff I was into as a kid and it’s kind of fascinating. Everything I loved as a child has a specific relationship attached to it (almost always romantic in nature) and that’s what I remember enjoying the most and usually why I liked something. Little Steffie reading Judith Mcnaught and Lynn Kurland and Jude Deveraux along with my Animorphs and Dinotopia books. Trying to make sure no one saw the flowers on the cover because they would KNOW.

Little Steffie dying inside waiting for Gambit and Rogue on the X-Men animated series TO JUST HAVE ONE SCENE TOGETHER GAWD.

Watching French Kiss a million times because honestly, is there a more perfect romantic comedy?

Little Steffie getting pissed at the My Girl sequel because HOW DARE YOU STAND WHERE HE STOOD.

Toonami was great because Serena and Darien (Usagi/Mamoru) and Bob and Dot and Bulma and Vegeta. I gave zero fucks about the plot of these shows I just wanted to see what happened with my romances.

Making up stories in my head about a girl getting lost on a hiking trip and falling in love with Sam Gribley from My Side of the Mountain.

My brother and sister asking me to tell them a story about the Rugrats and me making up what was basically an oral fanfic about grownup babies and how Tommy and Lil and Chucky and Phil were totally a thing.

Like, I still, to this day feel that weird woman shame about loving ships and fic and reading romance novels. If someone asks what I’m reading I usually say “a historical novel” or something else non descript. I’ve only recently started admitting to “regular folk” that I read and write fanfiction (which is incredibly freeing btw, you should try it if you do). I only gush about romance novels on here. I don’t recommend them to my IRL friends or family and when they recommend books to me it’s usually nothing I’m interested in because they have no idea that I have like 1000 romance novels in my Kindle library.

I just still feel that stigma, that weird societal assumption that loving romantic relationships means that you’re lonely or desperate or self inserting. And i know now that can’t be true because 4th grade Steffie was none of those things. She was just a kid. She didn’t even really want a boyfriend/girlfriend, she just liked watching and reading about people falling in love.

I find myself thinking about it a lot lately, that stigma, because the books I am writing are becoming less something I just daydream about and think about constantly and more a reality. Words are going on the page, characters I love are coming to life, but in the back of my head I still feel that shame.

“Maybe I shouldn’t tell anyone I wrote this. It’s a romance novel, they’ll think it’s stupid or corny or desperate or sad or me just trying to make money off poorly written ebooks. I won’t even share it on Facebook or tell my family, no one will know.”

Even my boyfriend didn’t really know until I told him. When he asked what I was writing I initially laughed it off and said “a cheesy romance novel, I’m not even gonna put my name on it. It’s just to put something out there and actually finish something” and that was a LIE because I spend most of my day thinking about these characters, about this world and I LOVE it and somehow I’ve been conditioned to hide that, even from my own family.

I’m just trying to appreciate that my entire life I’ve been in love with romance and that there is no shame in wanting to write it. And it’s all I’ve been able to think about since last night. If this was a movie or a show, I think the flashbacks would reveal how silly it is for me to fight it or try to change it. If little Steffie was going to write anything it was always going to be this.

[lololollywrites]

thoughts about being 29 on the internet that i just had in the shower...

...and had to write down. they were all basically just about how f**king - NEW. and surreal. the internet, its capabilities, and its fandoms can still be to me sometimes. i feel like i forget this a lot. but when i think about it, i can easily recall my wonder at discovering that it all existed in waves of smaller finds. and because i know there are others like me, i thought i’d share some of my own experiences. because honestly, i’ve had fewer years on tumblr and sites like it than some people much younger than me. i’m catching up and enjoying it.

firstly, i know i’m old to some of you, but i’m not really old. not really. i’m still a millennial, screwed over by student loans and old white men and viewed as part of the technological generation. i’m a phd student, and because i’m always on a college campus, i’ve been mistaken as a freshman. a few times. but it’s been fascinating to witness actual freshman and other college students and consider just how different things are for them and honestly? i’m sort of jealous. 

because...

i can remember when i first discovered that fanfiction existed. i was in third period tech skills as a junior in high school - 16 years old - and got a little off-topic and searched for spoilers for a new supernatural episode. this was in 2005 and the show had just come out (yes i still watch, i can’t escape).

and what did i find? somehow? fanfiction.net. i was, no exaggeration, shocked. i sat and read a full-length chaptered fic in episodic format. my mouth was hanging open. i saw thousands more fics in hundreds of fandoms and suddenly felt less strange for envisioning full-scale episode re-imaginings in my head as i laid in bed, dissatisfied with what i had just watched. (btw, i watched new supernatural episodes the sunday after they used to originally air on the wb on thursdays, at my mom’s house where i had my own room and own tiny tv, because no one at my dad’s house wanted to watch and streaming episodes wasn’t something i could even imagine. plus i didn’t have internet at my dad’s house. i know.)

not only that, but i was impressed as hell. here was me, not even aware that you could somehow upload your own text to the internet, and people were not simply writing polished stories in private but posting them somewhere that allowed for chapters. that allowed for people all over the world to read their words. that categorized everything into a huge virtual library. and, most incredibly to me, that allowed for reviews from people around the world.

i couldn’t believe that this new world was open to me. that people would be so generous as to offer amazing stories to me to read FOR FREE. that i had a limitless supply of content to read and review. i barely had functioning internet at home, so i had been sheltered. i told the people sitting next to me in class about it and encouraged them to check it out, mostly to blank stares. i may have even told the teacher, but no one cared. i didn’t understand. who wouldn’t be interested? i told my dad and my sister about it when i got home from school. i was mind-blown.

months in and many reads and written reviews later, i wrote my first fic. it was for smallville. 6 chapters, with updates every few days, that received 14 reviews in total. i read them all multiple times. i showed my sister. i checked the story stats every half hour. i cried. i wrote on the family computer secretly in the evening when most of my family had gone upstairs, because i was about half a year away from owning my first laptop. i wrote more stories sporadically for about 6 years, gradually getting better, but also gradually becoming more stressed and aware of negativity, online arguments, and the embarrassment and shame i suddenly felt about having an online presence. i found a supernatural forum at tv.com (the forums sadly no longer exist), learned about fandom, and immersed myself in posting and being part of a community that i thought understood me more than my friends. like a secret life.

during my first year of college, in 2007, i was in a friend’s dorm when he asked everyone if we wanted to watch an episode of scrubs. i laughed. surely he was joking. “how can we just watch an episode? it’s not on now and you don’t have the dvds.” i literally didn’t consider that there may have been a way. he excitedly told us that he had found some website that had episodes just... pre-uploaded. and that you could just click. i didn’t believe him. the stress of having to be at the tv at a certain time each week for fear of missing an episode entirely and forever was just part of being a fan, right? buying the tv guide and checking listings was necessary. but he found the episode. and clicked. it only took a few full minutes to load and there it was. again, i was astounded. this memory is so shockingly clear to me. it changed how i spent much of my free time, for one. just that moment.

sometime during this first year of college, i was home for break and came across a video on youtube, this new website i had started to use. it reminded me of ebaum’s world, which my friend would show me at her house sometimes because her computer was faster than mine. it was called “cat soup”, and by two guys that called themselves smosh. it had more views than i could comprehend - probably not much more than 5 digits, but still. they were just two kids i could have gone to school with who could create a funny video and get famous. again, i was shocked. mind-blown.

i showed my sister, my mom, and all my friends. they appreciated it a bit more than the fanfiction, but no one seemed to grasp how incredible and revolutionary it was. they all liked “shoes”, with the kelly persona by liam kyle sullivan (we still quote it today), probably because its budget and effects made it a bit more familiarly professional and it appeared less homemade (though it definitely was). but i couldn’t forget smosh. i was so impressed by them. i watched more videos and eventually found communitychannel and jenna marbles and eviliguana and shane dawson. i even found fan edits for my faves, buffy (maybe i saw one of phil’s, lol) and supernatural and smallville, and tried making my own. i freaked in 2009 or so when fred reached a million subscribers. a million. i couldn’t wrap my head around that. again, i told my sister and friends, expecting them to see the enormity of something so crazy happening, and they just... didn’t.

back in 2008, after watching “stick it” again, i recalled the name of a gymnast my cousin used to always talk about when we were kids - from the 1996 olympics - and looked her up on youtube. i realized that all gymnastics competitions imaginable had been uploaded. again - not to be repetitive - but i was shocked. there’s no better word. i gave myself a thorough education on the sport, traveling through time. i am still so grateful that i was able to do that.

sometime in 2009, my friends started pestering me to create a facebook account. i was a junior in college. 20 years old already. it sounded weird - pictures of me online? why? but i gave into pressure and made one. my mom had never allowed us to make a myspace; we were a bit young, and she hated the idea (now, she’s on facebook more than i am). around the same time i got my fanciest phone yet - an LG Env3. i figured out that it could access the internet and that i could use songs to create ringtones. again, sufficiently mind-blown. considering my first cell phone had been a flip phone with no camera that i shared with my sister during emergencies when i was 13, i felt that technology was coming along fast. 

smart phones were foreign to me for a long long time, until recently actually. i thought they were unnecessary for quite a while. i don’t even remember what phones i had at the end of college and through grad school, but i’m pretty sure they consisted of a series of cheap pay-as-you-go phones from walmart. in 2013, i went to china for a year to teach. i got a cheap phone there and used it for about 7 months. one day, a friend of mine gave me his old htc smartphone because he was getting a new one. i didn’t know how to use it, but i played one app on repeat before class and snapped some low-quality photos. after that, i almost immediately went to indonesia for another 9 months to teach high school (2014-2015). the htc phone died very quickly, so i used the nokia brick phone given to me by the organization. it was fine. i had never even used my old smartphone to access the internet, aside from wechat, thanks to china’s internet blocks. it wasn’t until i got home, in the summer of 2015, that i finally got an iphone. it was a huge deal and a big learning curve. it was also around this time that i found dan and phil and tumblr. i only got my macbook two years ago and finally think i have some things figured out.

so i may be old in some ways and remember floppy disks and the card catalog and using encyclopedias to write my middle school papers and huge computers with black screens and green text that displayed math problems in elementary school. i may be able to remember the sound of ancient, huge printers that used reams of paper with perforated, tearable strips down each side. i may remember aol red, dial-up, and not being able to connect if someone was on the phone. but i can also remember watching technology evolve in front of me, discovering fandom and the huge world of content and friendship that lay ahead. and when people try to say i’m too old to like dan and phil, i remind them that dan and phil can also remember. we’re the same age. i relate to them and their stories. to phil’s buffy obsession. to dan’s love of smosh. i’ve only had about 10 fully-cognizant years here on the internet, and only a couple in the world of tumblr and iphones and mobile apps. i’m young in those ways. and i look young enough that strangers sometimes think i’m a teenager. 

that’s laughable to me in some ways, because i’ve lived so much since my teen years. so much has happened. but in others, i don’t feel much different. there’s no age where you just feel grown up. that your interests vanish. that things suddenly seem childish and dumb. yes, i cringe about some things i wrote or did back then and i think i’ve matured, but my interests are all still relatively similar and i can finally explore them in ways that i just couldn’t before.

i hope that this has made sense. and i hope that some can relate.

[fiction-phan]

Ghostly

Summary: Dan Howell has been able to see ghosts his whole life. Things have gone from bad to worse now that his mother remarried and he finds himself sharing his new room with Phil, avery good looking guy. A guy, who happens to be dead. 

Words: 22.7k

Rating: Mature

Read it on AO3

A/N: I’m not even sure what I’m going to say. I wrote the first few paragraphs of this story back in December 2016. I was going to post it for one of the days of the 25 days of christmas but I started getting so many ideas that I knew it would be too long for that. It took me months to get it completely done. I stressed, I panicked and I cried because I wasn’t sure I was going to finish it in time. Somehow, I did it. This story is like my little baby and I’m so, so proud of it. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. 

(Btw, don’t let the title get to you. I promise the story is much better than the title I came up with in five minutes)

Big thank you goes to @findmeinthekingdm. She was the best beta I could have asked for. From rewording sentences that made no sense to pitching me new ideas, she was essential for this story to be posted today. Thank you for dealing with my procrastination. 

Thank you also to @gay-lizard-dads for the amazing art. You’ll get to see it soon, I promise. 

Warnings: Mentions of death. There is a short mention of homophobia in the beginning of the story. It’s nothing too bad but you should be aware it’s there. 

Dan was ruined. His mother obviously hated him, his father wanted absolutely nothing to do with him, and his friends had lost interest in him the second he said he was moving to a different school. It’s not as if it was something he chose himself. He couldn’t be blamed for his mother choosing to remarry someone who lived two hours away from his school.

If you asked him, the obvious choice would have been to drop this guy and find someone more accessible who wouldn’t ask for them to pack up their whole lives and move two hours away from their home. His mum clearly disagreed, judging by the dark stare she gave him when he dared to share his opinion.

Confronting his mum had resulted in an hour long rant from his mother about the beauty of falling in love, which only made Dan roll his eyes. “Falling in love is a beautiful experience that makes you do the craziest thing, the most thrilling things, no matter how stupid it may seem,” she said.

“Even if it means packing up everything and going to a place you’ve never been to?” Dan replied in the most monotonous way he could manage. Dan bit his tongue in order for him not to blurt out a sassier reply. All that coming from a woman who divorced twice, with one marriage that didn’t last a year. Hilarious.

“It’s well and good for you, mum, but I’m not the one who fell in love, so why the hell am I the one who’s stuck packing my whole life away?” He muttered angrily under his breath just as he taped up the last box with his belongings. He couldn’t get over how stupid the idea of them moving. Not only was he going to have to change schools in order to go to one closer to his mum’s future husband, but he was also expected to move into his house with them.

At first, Dan didn’t think it sounded too bad. Apparently Clive owned a larger than average house which would be an improvement over their minuscule apartment. He should have known that Clive owned a big house for a reason.

Imagine Dan’s shock when he found out that Clive had three sons. Three sons. He was going to have to share a bathroom with three tiny devils running around his feet and expected to take it with a smile. Not to mention that he couldn’t risk uttering a single complaint lest causing the end of his mother’s third marriage before it even happened.

Dan protested, of course he did. Not once, not twice, but countless of times. His mother found a way to shut him up, threatening him to leave him with his father if he didn’t stop complaining. And Dan did shut up. As much as he wasn’t happy about having to move away from where he had lived all his life, he would gladly take that option over having to live with his homophobic father who had quite a few choice words to share with him when Dan finally had the guts to come out to him. Needless to say, it didn’t go so well and they barely ever spoke anymore. Dan imagined that living with him would be like hell on earth.

His mum seemed to think that changing school meant Dan would no longer surround himself with criminals. If only she knew that Dan chose to have friends like that because it meant he didn’t have to let anyone get too close to him. Having people close to him meant forming relationships and feelings, both things Dan couldn’t allow himself to have.

It’s a never-ending cycle, and Dan seemed to be the only one who constantly has to face this. Dan had “friends” telling him they’d be there for him through thick and thin, but the second he does something that seems weird to society, they drop him like a hot potato and pretend they never even knew him. Dan learned it the hard way. How could eight-year-old Dan possibly have known that it wasn’t normal for kids to suddenly start seeing dead people and attempting to talk to them?

The first person he told was his mum who freaked out and started looking for psychiatrists she could send him to because, in her words, ‘he clearly was taking her divorce from his father really hard and that made him see things that weren't really there’. Her words, not his.

All the visits to specialists and psychiatrists did absolutely nothing. He kept seeing dead people and they still kept trying to communicate with him. No matter how many times he said that he didn’t have any idea who they were, they kept asking him for help in getting them out of the limbo they found themselves in.

It took him a while, but he finally figured out that the trick in getting his mother to stop sending him to specialists was to lie his way out of it. It hurt having to tell his mum that he was fine now, that he wasn’t seeing dead people anymore, but he kept seeing more and more of these people.

When lying to his mum, Dan lied to himself too. Every moment convincing his mum that it probably was a figment of a child's imagination that got a little carried away, he told himself the same exact thing. It's just my imagination. There's a little voice at the back of his mind chanting "You didn’t see anything. Your mind is just playing tricks on you,” but all he could see was a dead lady standing by his door frame. He felt her stare on him, and he felt violated, but he didn't dare to look or to speak up. The fear of seeing her sent shivers down his spine. She didn't look particularly ghostly, but there's just something about knowing she doesn't belong in his room.

He just ignored it. Ignorance really is bliss sometimes.

Dan should have known. After his mother’s reaction, his ‘gift’ was a secret he needed to keep to himself. It clearly wasn’t something normal and everyone would treat him differently like he was a freak. Dan’s not a freak, and he hated every moment spent having to see ghosts, and at the same time, living, breathing humans treating him as if he belonged in a mental institution if he hinted at the fact that he could see dead people.

Dan persevered. They don’t see it but he does. He decided to act as if everything about him was as normal as his peers but, as his mother said, love makes you do the craziest of things.

When Dan was thirteen, he was absolutely sure he was head over heels in love with his best friend. Thinking back on it now, it makes Dan cringe. His so-called feelings of love were enough for Dan to come clean to his best friend.

Dan had told his friend that he could see dead people. He helped them fix or get over the bad things they had done in life so they could leave the limbo they found themselves in and move on to the afterlife. Add that to the fact that he was gay, and Dan should not have been so surprised over the reaction he got.

Ollie had looked absolutely disgusted and called him names that was hard for Dan to forget to this day. He should have known that Ollie wouldn’t keep his mouth shut and Dan quickly became the school’s laughing stock; the faggot who can see dead people and talk to them.

He’ll never forget the months of bullying he endured just because he trusted someone with his deepest secret. That’s when he learned that people can’t be trusted, and someone like him couldn’t have any kind of relationship with anyone. He wasn’t ‘normal’ -- whatever normal meant -- and it was about time he accepted it.

Luckily enough, his mother remarried for the second time a few months after the incident and he changed schools. He attended a school where no one knew who he was or what he could do. He would never be normal as long as he kept seeing dead people, but as long as they don’t know about his condition, they wouldn’t consider him a freak. Dan got the fresh start he wanted.

That didn’t mean he wanted to be alone. He quickly learned how to fit in with the outcasts of his new school. He tried to ignore their bad habits and sometimes straight out offensive behaviour so he could have people to hang around with at school. No harm done. His mother clearly disagreed, though. She thought his “friends” were the reason why he never brought anyone home for her to meet and why he was so against the idea of moving home. Again.

Knowing that arguing was futile and not wanting to risk his mum going through with the threat of sending him to live with his dad, left Dan with very little he could do. He was just going to pack his stuff in boxes for the second time and hope there would not be a third time.

In the end, packing was better than thinking about the upcoming wedding.

*

The wedding was anything but extravagant. Dan never considered himself liking weddings and his mother’s was no different. However, he admitted that his mother actually looked really happy. Maybe moving would not be so bad if it meant his mum’s happiness didn’t just vanish after the wedding.

Luckily for Dan, there were no ghosts hanging around at the wedding, hence enjoyed a drink or two without anyone interrupting him and without having to disappear from his own mother’s wedding. His step-brothers did try to initiate awkward conversation with him but he was quick to start avoiding them after that.

Even though he was going to have to start living with them in the same house, Dan didn’t have any interest in involving to playing the part of a loving family. He agreed, albeit reluctantly, to move into a house with his mother’s new husband and that’s as much as he was willing to compromise.

Dan and his mum spent the previous week packing everything up into labelled boxes in preparation for their move since his mum was adamant that they spend the first night after the wedding in the new house. All of their belongings were taken to their new house by the removal guys, and now all that was left to do was for Dan to actually go to the house and start unpacking his stuff.

Not that he was in any rush to do that. As long as his room has a bed he can readily  sleep on, and all his toiletries are out of the box, there was no need for him to rush the unpacking process. He only hoped that this was going to be the last time he would have to pack his whole life away only to have to unpack it again somewhere new.

It was more work than it was worth.

A few hours into the wedding, Dan started getting restless. It was nice to see his mum in a pleasant mood, but he was very much looking forward to leaving the party and get into bed for a good night’s sleep. Parties were never really his thing and it only got worse when he swore to keep socialising with other people to a bare minimum.

He could only drink so much before his mother started directing worried frowns on his way, and so he soon found himself leaning against the wall in a corner and hoping his mum and her new husband didn’t take too long to cut the cake.

It seemed his wishes were finally answered since the photographer hired by his mum was soon pulling him to the very front so that he could take a photo of the whole ‘family’ together as his mum and her husband cut the cake together.

Dan tried his best to smile in a way that was considered realistic. He glanced at his mum and they shared a look. While his mum’s smile was warm and content, he prayed that his smile mirrored hers, and was not one of boredom. Thinking about getting to go to his new home after eating a piece of cake made it a bit easier.

After the cake has been cut and distributed among the guests, many people started saying their goodbye. Dan tried not to look overly happy when his mum let him know that they were going to leave soon so he could go home first.

He was aware that ideally he would have told his mum that he was fine with waiting so that they could all leave together as one new happy family, but he just couldn’t bring himself to actually tell her that. He just wanted to go home, get changed out of the uncomfortable suit he was forced to wear and get into bed.

So with a quick goodbye to his mother and an awkward handshake with Clive, he was off.

Now that Dan was on his way to what could be considered as his new home, he couldn’t help feeling a little uncomfortable. The only time he was taken to visit their new home by his mum was a few days before the wedding, when they had taken a few boxes that could fit in the car. His mum insisted on showing him his new room, maybe as an attempt to get him feeling excited over their upcoming move.

Dan didn’t hate the room his mum chose for him. It was spacious and there was a large window that allowed for a lot of light to shine inside. It was a nice upgrade that almost made their move worth it. Almost.

Now he found himself having to go to this new house by himself and Dan couldn’t help but feel like he was intruding somewhere he did not belong. He was almost inclined to turn back and return to the party in order to wait for his mother so they could go to the house together for the first time.

The thought of having to return to and force himself to engage in conversations with people he has never even seen before in his life quickly changed Dan’s mind. Clive’s house was going to be his new home now and so Dan needed to get used to going in and out on his own. Sure, he would have felt more comfortable going in with his mum for the first time but he had no intention of ruining the last few minutes of her wedding day.

He got out his new set of keys as soon as his home was visible down the road. He didn’t waste much time looking at it from the outside. Dan was looking forward too much to finally getting some well needed rest. It had been a very tiring week but Dan could finally put it all behind him.  Dan unlocked the door and quickly made his way inside, planning on preparing a nice hot bath to relax before going to bed.

Imagine his shock when, on walking into his new room, he realised that the room was inhabited by someone else. Someone who was not exactly alive.

*

“What the hell?”

This could not be happening to him. Of all the problems Dan had thought of regarding moving to a new home, he had never considered having a ghost in his room to be one of them. The ghost looked equally surprised as him, but that didn’t make Dan feel much better.

“I didn’t expect to see anyone coming in this early,” this man - this ghost - said nervously. He glanced at the clock that was already on Dan’s bedside table. Midnight. “Well, that’s not too early either,” the ghost admitted.“ It’s been awhile since anyone has come to stay in my room. My name is Phil,” the ghost said, smiling at him brightly. Dan wasn’t buying it.

Dan’s brain went through the two things things he wanted to do when he arrived home: take a relaxing bath and then sleep the night away. Instead, what he got was a ghost in his room who, unlike most ghosts Dan had met before, seemed to have no intention of starting a fight. That could mean two things: either Phil was still not aware that he was dead or he’s a harmless ghost.

Judging by what he said, Dan guessed it was the latter. That made things a little bit easier for him as it meant he didn’t have to break the news that Phil was dead and no longer exactly human. Few were the ghosts who took that piece of information well and Dan winced when he remembered back on all the times he ended up with bruises on his body because of that.

That didn’t mean Dan was at all happy with the current situation he found himself in. It was quite late in the evening and his week was tiring, to say the least. He didn’t have the time to try and get Phil to move on to the afterlife. Phil the Ghost would just have to wait.

“I think you mean my room. In case you haven’t noticed, you’re dead, so that means the room is not yours anymore. If you could kindly leave so I can get some sleep, it would be very much appreciated”, Dan said, already moving around the room to get the things he would need for his bath.

Phil’s smile was quickly wiped off of his face at Dan’s attitude. “Excuse me? I might be dead but this is still my house and you are still in my room. I’ve been staying here for years so, if anyone should leave, it should be you.”

Dan groaned and fought the urge to hit his head against the wall a few times. Of course he was stuck in the bedroom inhabited by a ghost. A ghost who did not seem the least bit inclined to get out and leave Dan alone.

“Look”, Dan started, trying to take on a different tactic. “I know you’re probably excited over finally meeting someone who can see you even though you’re a ghost. You probably can’t wait for me to start helping you fix whatever it is you need to fix so you can move on to the afterlife. I promise I’ll start helping you tomorrow, but for now I just need some rest. It’s been a hellish day, so I’ll repeat myself: get out.”

Phil looked confused and offended. “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. I have no intention of going to the ‘afterlife’, as you called it, and I was perfectly happy here until you barged in, demanding that I leave.”

Dan was quickly coming to his wit’s end. He realised that he could stay in the middle of the room arguing until he turned blue in the face, and Phil would still be adamant on not leaving. Dan considered his best option: to ignore Phil and carry on with his plans regardless of the ghost currently sitting on his new bed.

He grabbed a towel and changed out of clothes, then walked to his ensuite bathroom, ignoring the pair of eyes following his every move. Dan slammed the bathroom door shut, hoping to get across to Phil just how pissed off he was feeling.

There wasn’t much he could do about the ghost situation at the moment. The following day, he would politely ask his mum’s husband for a new room and hopefully this whole mess would be put behind him.

*

“Absolutely not,” his mum said, crushing all his hopes and dreams of getting a bedroom that was not inhabited by a ghost.

Dan’s night with the ghost was not as horrible as he initially thought it would be. Phil barely talked to him at all and was gone most of the time. That didn’t mean Dan was going to stick around.

His bedroom had always been the one place he could go to that felt safe and private. He could do whatever he wants to do in it and no one would be the wiser. Dan lost count of how many times he slept naked at night when he got too hot or walked around naked when he forgot to take a towel to the bathroom. There was no way he could do that knowing there was the chance a ghost could have just appear out of thin air and see him in that vulnerable state.

He needed a new room. Surely, in a house as big as this, it would have some spare room he could use instead of the one that he was given.

Apparently not.

His mum refused to ask Clive for a new room. “I don’t see why you would want a new room. You have the biggest bedroom in the house because Clive wanted to get on your good side, and you’re the only one who doesn’t have to share anything. What’s not to like?”

It’s not as if Dan could tell her all about finding a ghost waiting for him in his new room when he got back from the wedding, so instead he tried to come up with a half-assed excuse that wasn’t convincing.

“I’m used to noisy rooms and this one is so quiet. I couldn’t sleep properly last night so I thought maybe I could get a bedroom that was facing the main road instead?” Dan wanted to hit himself the second he opened his mouth. What sort of excuse was that? His mum was not going to believe him and she isn’t the one to be blamed.

HIs mum raised her eyebrows at him, clearly have caught him lying, but she didn’t call him out on it. Instead, she suggested something that made Dan’s skin crawl. “I’m sure James would love to make some room for you so you can share with him. His bedroom is facing the main road so it’s just what you’re looking for and you can get to know each other better. You would have to share a bathroom but I’m sure you won’t mind”.

Dan’s plan had backfired completely and he wasn’t sure how he was going to get out of it. Even the idea of the ghost in his room catching him sleeping completely naked was more appealing than the thought of sharing a room with one of his new step brothers. Not just any step brother, but James. He was one of the most disgusting persons Dan had ever met and sharing a room with him is equivalent to Dan voluntarily entering his own personal hell. That was not something what he wanted now.

“You know what, I think I’ll just stick with the room I have now but thanks for the offer. I think the quiet will do me some good once I get used to it. Help me think better and… stuff,” Dan rambled, slowly backing out of the room, making a hasty retreat. He didn’t fail to notice the amused look on his mother’s face and, with a sigh, admitted that she played him really well.

Dan was left with only one choice. He was going to have to learn to share a bedroom with a ghost, at least until he could figure out the reason why Phil couldn’t get to the afterlife, and then try to help him out. He tried not to think about the fact that Phil didn’t seem inclined on leaving the world of the living and move on to the afterlife.

He walked into his room and somehow managed to keep himself from jumping a foot in the air when he caught sight of Phil sitting on his bed as if he was the king of the bed. Dan refused to admit that this probably was an everyday occurrence for Phil. Whether it was or not, Dan planned on putting a stop to it.

He fake coughed in order to get Phil’s attention and then went straight on to business. “My plan to switch rooms failed so I’m stuck here, at least for the time being. I understand that, technically, this is your room as much as it is mine, but we’re going to have to establish some ground rules.”

Phil grunted, and didn’t look particularly happy about it, but Dan couldn’t care. His goal is to win himself some privacy from this ghost. Dan’s the one alive and breathing. This is his room anyway.

“First of all, no random appearances in the bathroom. I don’t want to feel paranoid while taking a shower because I’m scared you’ll just pop up out of nowhere and see me naked. Also, you’re capable of knocking. Please do so before coming into the room so I can at least expect your appearance.” Dan didn’t think he was being too unreasonable with his requests. It’s what everyone with a roommate would expect in order to live peacefully.

Phil was not of the same opinion. “You think I’m going to be knocking to come into my own room? If anyone here should be knocking, it’s you! How dare you just show up here and expect me to live like a guest in my own home? Who do you think you are?”

Dan probably looked like a fish out of water. From the second he laid eyes on him, Phil seemed like the kind of guy that was very difficult to anger. Dan was surprised that he managed to do so after just two encounters. He was not about to back down, though. This room might have been Phil’s at some point but he was dead now and Dan was the rightful owner.

Phil just had to deal with it.

“I don’t know if you’ve realised this but you’re dead,” Dan said, starting to lose his patience. “The one thing you should really be doing is trying to figure out a way to move on so you can leave me alone and I can finally get some privacy in this stupid house.”

That seemed to be the worst thing to say. Phil started turning red (or as red as you can turn when you’re a ghost) and then simply disappeared with a pop.

Maybe Dan had finally gotten through to him.

*

He didn’t.

The following night, Dan was woken up in the middle of the night to the sound of banging coming from his bathroom.

“What the hell?” he muttered, quickly getting out of bed to check what all the commotion was about. He could only stare in bewilderment at the sight of Phil throwing bottles of shampoo and body wash onto the floor.

“What in the world are you doing?!” Dan shouted, and then bit his tongue, realising that it is the middle of the night and he doesn’t want to wake anyone up.

Phil looked at him in what appeared to be satisfaction, and then threw one last bottle to the floor just to spite Dan before disappearing as if he was never there in the first place.

Dan really wanted to think that this was all a big misunderstanding. Maybe Phil needed to use the shower, and he accidentally dropped the bottles he wanted to use. Even with his brain feeling muddled with weariness, Dan could tell that was probably not the case. Why would a ghost need to take a shower?

The truth was that Dan knew perfectly well what Phil was doing, he just couldn’t believe it. The ghost was trying to get back at him for trying to put up some boundaries. “I can’t believe this is the thanks I get for not exorcising him and instead trying to make things go smoothly.”

He went back to bed, hoping that this would be the last time before his patience wear off.

*

That wasn’t the last time.

In the next few days, Phil continued to try his very best to make Dan’s life difficult. It started off with a mild disturbance; an instance that was similar to how Phil woke Dan up by throwing bottles in the bathroom. But now, it was going downhill.

Dan still turned bright red whenever he remembered catching Phil peaking from behind his bedroom door as he was changing into his pyjamas for the night. The only reason he didn’t start yelling on the top of his lungs, screaming to lecture Phil the Ghost about privacy, and reminding the ghost the importance knocking was because he didn’t want to wake up the rest of the people in the house. If he was caught, how would he explain to his mum the reason why he was yelling at the wall about privacy?

He hadn’t gotten off before they moved out, and Dan was feeling particularly lustful. He hadn’t gotten off since before they moved out and now Dan was feeling the effects of it. He was never the kind of guy to go too long without having a little bit of fun, even if by himself. With everything that had been going on since he moved, Dan just never found the time.

Phil’s presence, or the fact that he can poof into thin air without a warning, had been the constant reason why any of Dan’s plans to enjoy himself were ruined. He didn’t consider himself to be very shy but certain things were meant for his eyes only. However, the ghost had cheekily seen him changing into his clothes more often than he should. There was no way Dan was letting the ghost see him in the midst of pleasure.

Strangely enough, it had been a few days since he saw Phil. Even though a part of him knew that it was probably a ploy so as to get to him when he least suspected, a more hopeful part wanted to believe Phil had finally given up and was leaving him alone for a few days.

Whatever the reason, Dan was not about to waste an opportunity like this. He hurriedly grabbed an extra towel, and walked into the bathroom, feeling excited. Dan made sure to look his doors, in case any living person in this house decided to barge into his room. Even though Phil could easily appear wherever he wanted to, at least he was secured from one thing, and that allowed him to be a little less paranoid than he already was.

Dan stood under the shower and waited for the warmth to kick in. He tried not to think about how he preferred his bed than being in the shower. He didn’t let his mind go there. Phil’s a creep and Dan really wanted to avoid feeling embarrassed. This was his chance, and Dan was not going to waste it.

All thoughts of Phil were gone from his head as he slowly started moving his hand up and down, letting out small huffs and moans with each drag of his hand. One thing was for sure, Dan was never going to go so long without getting himself off again.

He spent the next few minutes in the same way, moving his hand up and down and making sure to change his rhythm every once in awhile in order to keep himself on his toes.  Dan could feel himself getting close, but he still made sure to keep his noises under control. The last thing he needed was for his mum to hear him or even worse, his new “family”.

Dan used one hand to hold on to the wall and kept pleasuring himself with the other, making sure to increase his speed just as he felt himself getting closer and closer to the edge. He was so close, just a little longer and he would get there--

“Oh my God.”

Dan quickly whirled around when he heard a voice behind him and almost caused him to slip in the shower. He could feel himself turning bright red the second he realised it was Phil staring at him with his mouth wide open and looking him up and down; flustered.

Dan quickly tried to cover himself as much as he could with his hands and then threw the bottle of bath wash he was using at Phil’s head. He missed.

“Get the hell out of here!” Dan hissed, wanting to get out of the shower and push Phil out himself but not wanting to risk exposing himself more than he already had. Thankfully, that made Phil snap out of the daze he seemed to have found himself in and quickly walked out of the bathroom by walking through the wall; probably the same way he had let himself in, but not before getting one last look at Dan which made the latter turn rosier out of embarrassment.

With the knowledge that Phil was safely out of the bathroom, Dan turned around once again and made a quick work of rinsing himself off. The lustful mood he was in before had completely disappeared just like his hard on, and now all he wanted to do was to get out of the shower, get dressed and then find a corner to hide in for the rest of the month.

Just the thought of facing Phil after what had just occured made him wish the ground would just swallow him up so that he never had to look at the ghost again.

Dan quickly dried himself up and got dressed then walked out of the bathroom. It was time to give the ghost a piece of his mind. He was putting up with way too much and Phil was clearly taking advantage of it. Walking in on Dan during such private moment was the last straw.

His anger ebbed out when he noticed Phil sitting on Dan’s bed, looking petrified. “I didn’t mean to walk in on you like that!” Phil defended himself as soon as he caught the sight of Dan. “I thought I’d mess with you because I haven’t done that in a while so I decided to scare you while you were showering. I didn’t know you would be doing… other things.”

Dan could feel himself turn red in embarrassment again at having the ghost remind him of what the latter saw. Even though he wanted to be angry at Phil for barging into the bathroom on him during something that should have been private, he couldn’t find it in himself to yell at him.

It was clear by the look on Phil’s face that, even though he wanted to be mischievous and get on Dan’s nerves, it was never his intention to sneak a peek at Dan while he was busy pleasuring himself. It was also clear to Dan that Phil was not going anywhere and they needed to figure out a few ground rules if they were to cohabit without a problem. Dan hadn’t seen this situation coming when he tried to make a truce with Phil in the beginning, but with the ghost finally seeing the point, it might be a good time for Dan to try to establish a protocol.

Dan sighed and sat down next to Phil on the bed. “What happened today cannot -- under any circumstances -- happen again,” he started, and was glad to notice that Phil was nodding vigorously from the corner of his eyes. At least they were finally on the same page.

Despite wanting to solve the matter, Dan’s mind muddled with trying to come up with a solution to their dilemma, and he couldn’t think of something that would allow him to have the privacy he wanted.

It was then that Dan recalled the time at his old school -- the time when he heard a couple of students talk about what students in university do to get some private time when they are in shared dormitories. Dan figured that that could actually work for him and Phil without being too awkward.

“I could use a sock”, he said, and but pressed his lip to keep himself from laughing when he saw the baffled look that Phil was giving him. “Students at college tend to wrap a sock around the door handle when they don’t want their roommates to barge in on them. Maybe we could adopt that system ourselves so no more awkward encounters like today happen again?”

Phil seemed to be a little confuse,  and it reminded Dan of the fact that he knew next to nothing about the ghost who was inhabiting his room with him. Phil could have died years before Dan was even born and he wouldn’t know because he had never bothered to ask.

“How old are you exactly?” he asked, a little hesitant to know the truth. “I mean your real age, not how old you were when you died.”

Phil seemed to be in thought for a few seconds before he answered. “I think I might be thirty years old this year. I can’t be sure, though. It’s hard to keep a proper track of time when you’re dead. All I’m sure of is that I was twenty-two when I died.”

Dan couldn’t help but feel relieved. If he had to be stuck with a ghost sharing his bedroom, at least said ghost wasn’t much older than him. The situation they found themselves in would have been a lot creepier if the ghost Dan was stuck with was double his age.

“You’re old enough to know about the sock method then, right? I put a sock on the doorknob, and you’ll know that I need some alone time, and you’re not to interrupt me. Do you think you can do that?”

Dan half-expected the ghost to argue and say that this was his house, not Dan’s, and he wasn’t going to be stopped by some stupid sock on a doorknob. But Dan was pleasantly surprised when all Phil did was nod in acceptance of Dan’s idea.

“That sounds good to me. I wanted to apologise again. It’s true that I had no idea what you were actually doing in the shower,” he started, being kind enough to ignore the way Dan’s face turned cherry red at being reminded of the incident earlier. “It was wrong of me to just barge in like that, no matter what you were doing.”

Dan was not expecting an actual apology from the ghost, who just a few days earlier, was yelling at him for being an intruder. This left Dan off guard, and he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to reply. In the end, he just settled for a thin smile and a nod.

His plan was to leave it at that, but then Dan remembered that he was not the kindest to the ghost when they first met and, in retrospect, had said things that he shouldn’t have said. Phil was not the only one who needed to apologise.

“I’m sorry too,” Dan finally said, figuring that he needed to get their misunderstandings out of the way. “I wasn’t the nicest to you when I got here, and I could have been a little more understanding of the fact that a stranger was walking into your home; trying to order you around.”

Dan almost made a joke over the fact that he didn’t really need to apologise for walking into his room in the first place but changed his mind at the last second. Something told him Phil would not appreciate the joke, especially after he had finally apologised.

With all the apologies out of the way, Dan decided this was the right time to bring up something that had been making him curious ever since he found Phil in his room. “You never did tell me why you didn’t move on to the afterlife.”

He realised it might not have been his greatest idea when he saw the way Phil’s face closed off when he brought it up. They were finally making progress and acting friendlier towards each other, but it seemed as if Dan somehow managed to ruin it with just one sentence.

“I don’t really want to talk about it, and I don’t think it’s any of your business anyway.”

Dan wanted to accept that as his answer and move on, he really did, but curiosity always got the best of him. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I can help you if you want. I’ve helped many ghosts who were stuck here get to the afterlife.”

Phil scoffed at that and shook his head. “My apology did absolutely nothing. You’re still trying to get rid of me.”

Dan could understand why the ghost would get that impression, but it really wasn’t the case. Now that they got a few things out of the way, he was no longer in any rush to get rid of him. He was genuinely just trying to help, but it seemed like his good intentions were not getting through to Phil.

“I can understand why you would get that impression, but I swear this isn’t me trying to get rid of you,” Dan explained, trying to get through to Phil. “I genuinely just want to help. It can’t be easy hanging around on your own with no one to keep you company.”

He managed not to upset Phil even more with his answer and even got a small smile in return. “I appreciate you wanting to help me, but I’m fine. You get used to it after a while and besides, I’m not completely alone anymore. I’ve got you to keep me company.”

Dan tried not the let his words affect him but ultimately failed when he couldn’t stop himself from smiling. How they had gone from arguing and fighting to enjoying each other’s company was beyond him, but Dan couldn’t find it in himself to care.

*

Their relationship improved after the conversation. Phil was always careful to knock before walking into his room, and Dan soon found himself comfortable enough with the ghost to open up like he never had before, not even with Ollie.

“I’ve been able to see dead people since I was very young,” he said, as he was lying in bed with Phil lying down next to him. “At first I didn’t realise they were dead. I would see someone staring at me, and I would point them out to my mum, only to be told that there was no one there. It took me a while to figure out not everyone could see what I was seeing.”

Dan let out a humourless laugh; thinking back on what he went through from such a young age. “At first my mum just thought it was harmless imagination. She thought I was pointing out my imaginary friends to her. She freaked when she realised I had been serious all along. That’s when the visit to the therapists started.”

He felt a hand settle on top of his and he squeezed in return to show Phil he appreciated his comfort. Dan learned from their budding friendship that Phil was a really good listener. He always let Dan finish what he had to say before making any comments and knew just how to comfort him silently.

“They all had something different to say. Some said I was delusional, others thought I was experiencing hallucinations. Most of them thought it was just my way of showing how upset I was over my parents getting a divorce. It didn’t matter that I kept telling them I was glad for their divorce because it meant I didn’t have to hear any more fighting.”

A part of him still couldn’t believe that he was speaking about this out loud to someone for the first time in his life, and he wasn’t getting judged. He wasn’t sure what was making him trust Phil so much.

Maybe it was the fact that the ghost already knew he could see dead people, so he knew he wouldn’t be judged over it. Whatever it was, Dan was grateful for it. It felt really good to finally be able to open up about a part of himself which he had always kept hidden.

“When the therapists started talking about giving me medication, I panicked. I knew what I was seeing was real. There really were dead people trying to talk to me, and they weren’t just a fragment of my imagination. In the end, I figured out that the only way to get everyone off my back was to lie and tell them that I stopped seeing dead people. It worked like a charm.”

Dan still felt bitter when he remembered how accomplished everyone looked when he lied. As if their useless treatment and telling him over and over again that what he was seeing was not real, was finally working. As heartbreaking as it was as a child, Dan couldn’t help but to think back on that moment with a degree of happiness.

Lying to everyone got him out of a situation he hated being in. There were no more therapists behaving as if they knew better than him, and his mother stopped looking at him with eyes and words brimmed with worry and fear. He could finally live a normal life with his friends, even if that didn’t last very long.

He had already told Phil he was gay, and recalling the ghost’s reaction after telling him just what Ollie did, never failed to put a smile on his face. Phil had demanded Dan to tell him just where Ollie lived so he could give him a little visit for revenge. Dan couldn’t bring himself to remind Phil that he could not really do much to Ollie considering he was a ghost and no one could see him. It was the thought that counts, anyway.

Once he was sure he was finished with his story, Phil turned to look at him, and Dan was shocked to see him looking so sad. It was true that what he told Phil was not a happy story, but it still amazed him to see someone else looking so upset on his behalf. It was a new feeling and Dan found himself feeling fonder of Phil.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that. It can’t be easy, but I can’t say that it’s an unfortunate ability to possess. If you weren’t able to see dead people, we never would have met, and I would have kept on walking aimlessly in this life with no one to communicate with.”

Even with the pain and suffering Dan went through because of his ability to see the dead, he still couldn’t disagree with Phil. It’s true that they didn’t get along at first, but now Dan couldn’t even imagine himself coming back home from school without finding Phil ready to greet him in his room.

Even Dan’s mum was starting to notice a difference, and even commented on the fact that Dan seemed happier these days. She thought it was because of his new school and the new house, but to Dan, his happiness comes from coming home to see Phil. He finally had someone to listen and talk to after so many years. Dan could finally say he was content.

Of course that wouldn’t last forever.

“You’ve been so honest with me”, Phil suddenly said, shaking Dan out of his thoughts. “You’ve told me about being gay, about Ollie, and now you’ve even told me about what you went through when you were younger. I haven’t even told you why I never moved on to the afterlife.”

Dan found himself suddenly sitting up straight after hearing that. It was true that Phil never brought up the topic again after Dan offered his help. Dan was still curious about it,  but never brought it up himself because he wanted to respect the ghost’s wishes. He wanted to wait until Phil was ready.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Talking about personal things that still hurt us… It’s hard. I don’t want you to tell me just because you feel like you owe me. You don’t. I told you all of that because I trust you. I want you to do the same. Tell me only when you’re ready.”

Phil was quick to reply. “I know I don’t have to tell you, but I want to, because I trust you.”

Knowing that Phil trusted him enough to talk to Dan about something grievous warmed his heart. It was a good feeling, but he shouldn’t fail Phil’s trust in him.

Phil took a deep breath, preparing himself for what he was about to say. “Ten years ago, I was sleeping in this very room. I woke up in the middle of the night because I could hear screams and shouts coming from outside. At first, I thought it was some drunks having a fight or something but, when I looked out of my window, I realised they were all looking at my house in horror. The whole thing was on fire.”

Dan could only look at Phil in shock. Clive had never mentioned anything about the house being burnt down when Dan and his mum moved in. Granted, Dan never really asked him anything about the house, but it was still a shock to hear.

“I quickly ran to the door to get out even though I was already thinking it was going to be hopeless. You know this room is at the very top of the house. The chances of me getting out of my room and downstairs safely were slim, but I didn’t want to just give up. Turns out, it didn’t matter. My bedroom door was locked from the outside, and there was no way for me to get out.”

Even though Phil didn’t say it, Dan could still assume what he meant. He was killed. Someone must have locked the door from the outside, then set fire to the house with the intention of Phil being trapped inside with no way of getting out. “It was murder.”

Phil nodded with a bitter smile. “Yeah. That’s not why I can’t move on to the afterlife though. I.. .never found out who murdered me. From what I figured, the police carried out an investigation but, by the time they put off the fire, the whole house was in ruins, and they could barely even identify my body. There was no evidence -- everything was destroyed by the fire. The case was filed as unsolved.”

Dan wasn’t sure what he could say. He desperately wanted to help Phil to find peace after years of uncertainty, by moving on to the afterlife. Dan didn’t even know where to begin. If the police were unable to find anything after investigations, Dan doubted he was going to have any luck in finding Phil’s murderer.

“I’m going to do everything I can to help to uncover the truth, Phil,” he promised.

Phil smiled at him, but Dan could tell that the ghost was convinced that there was nothing Dan could do, and he wasn’t exactly wrong. But Dan was determined not to give up.

You deserve to know who killed you. I know it might seem impossible right now, but so does seeing the dead and… Here I am,” Dan said, gesturing to himself, making Phil laugh.

“Thank you,” Phil said with a smile. That only made Dan more resolute to find out the truth.

*

“Dan, you’ve been on your laptop for days and haven’t gotten any closer to figuring it out. If I had known you would act like this I would have never told you what happened. You haven’t done your homework in three days!”

Dan could only roll his eyes at Phil. “Please. If I wasn’t looking things up, I still wouldn’t do my homework until my teachers threatened to expel me so I’m really not doing anything different.”

Phil looked like he wanted to argue but it wasn’t as if Dan was lying. He was never the kind of person to finish his homework early and always tried to find whatever excuse possible to simply not do it at all.

“Fine, don’t do your homework but at least stop wasting your time searching for things you won’t find. Whatever it is you’re looking for, you won’t find it on the Internet. It happened ten years ago, Dan.”

Dan was on a streak; looking through the internet in the hopes of stumbling on something that could help him in his search for Phil’s murderer, but Phil was right. The chances of finding anything remotely useful about a case that happened ten years was almost impossible.

He stopped typing and scrolling long enough to give Phil a dirty look. “It’s like you don’t even want me to find out who murdered you. I know that the internet is most probably not going to give me what I’m looking for, but I can’t just do nothing. I’ve already looked through every newspaper in the library with no results.”

“It’s not that I don’t want you to find out the truth. I just don’t want to see you waste your time on something that happened ten years ago.”

Phil just didn’t get it. Dan needed to find out the truth. He wanted to help out Phil more than he ever wanted to help any ghosts he has encountered before. It just so happened that Phil’s case was the hardest one he had ever tried to solve.

Usually the dead people who ask Dan for help just want him to deliver a message to loved ones or want to know how their families were doing. Once, there was even an old lady who wanted him to find a new home for her dog. Never before did he have to play detective and attempt to solve a murder.

It suddenly hit Dan. “I think I’m searching for the wrong things. You said the police gave up because there were no evidence, and yes, it’s unlikely I’d find any if they can’t even find anything. But maybe I can look something up about my… power,” he said.

Dan thought his idea would be received well by Phil, and the ghost would finally offer to help him out rather than leaving him to look things up on his own, but all Dan got was a sigh. “What are you going to look up, Dan? ‘I see dead people in the streets and need to know how to help them cross to the other side’. I’m sure that is going to give you a lot of trustworthy results and not swindlers, taking money from people who are grieving.”

That was not the attitude Dan was looking for. “You know what, I’m not doing this for fun. You’ve been stuck in this limbo for ten years and I’m doing my best to try and help you out. I would appreciate a little help rather than you trying to demotivate me,” he snapped.

Dan was more than aware that he was fighting a losing battle. He was not going to find any evidence about who killed Phil and the chances of finding anything remotely helpful about his power on Google was slim.

He knew all that, but Dan still didn’t want to give up. Phil was turning into the one person who meant the most to Dan and it killed him to see Phil stuck in a limbo with no way out. He just wanted to help, so having Phil constantly telling him to give up was getting on his nerves.

Phil didn’t seem to have any intention of backing down. “Did you ever think that maybe I don’t want your help? I’ve been here on my own for ten years and suddenly you show up, trying to change everything. Maybe I don’t want to go to the afterlife. Maybe I just want to stay here and talk to you and have actual conversations with actual people after years of only having myself for company.”

Dan tried to ignore the guilt feeling that was starting to creep up. It never occurred to him that Phil might not want to move on to the afterlife. He just figured that since Phil opened up about the reason why he was still here, it meant he was finally ready to accept Dan’s help and that he was ready to move on. He also tried not to think that Phil moving on to the afterlife would mean never seeing him again. The thought hurt Dan.

“You can’t possibly want to stick around here, Phil,” he said, trying to reason with him. “I enjoy your company as well but I’m the only person you can talk to. No one else can see you. And I’m going to get old, Phil. I’m going to get old while you stay exactly as you are because you’re dead. Is that really the life you want for yourself?”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Phil snapped; he looked hurt. “Don’t you think I spend every moment thinking about having to watch you grow older, while I stay looking exactly the same? I think about it all the time, but it doesn’t make me want to leave. I appreciate you wanting to help Dan - I really do - but I should be the one to decide what I want to do.”

Dan wasn’t sure what he was supposed to reply. On one hand, Phil’s words warmed his heart. Phil enjoyed spending time with him as much as he did. He didn’t want to leave him. On the other hand, Dan didn't want to be the one keeping Phil from finally moving on to the afterlife to  live a better life.

“You’re right, I can’t tell you what to do. I can’t force you to help me find out the truth, and I’ll accept your wish not to move on to the afterlife if that’s what you want. But you can’t stop me from looking. I will keep on looking for ways in which I can help you so that, if you change your mind, I’ll know what to do.”

Phil seemed disappointed and it was clear he disagreed with Dan, but at least he didn’t argue. Dan was going to count that as his victory. He was going to respect Phil’s wishes and secretly celebrate the fact that he was going to have Phil all for himself, at least for the time being.

But no one was going to stop him from looking for answers.

*

Dan spent weeks searching for answers and he wasn’t any closer to finding out anything than he was at the start.

Looking through Google gave him nothing but disappointment and frustration as he could only find websites of people claiming they could talk to dead loved ones for a price. Dan didn’t doubt for a second that these people were all frauds and not like him.

At least they were all frauds, until he stumbled upon a particular website which did not seem as shady as the others had. At first he was uncertain, as it was a website dedicated to the supernatural and Dan never considered himself as anything. At the most, he could say that he considered himself to be a medium.

Or he didn’t, until he stumbled upon a particular post written by a guy who appeared his age. What caught Dan’s eye was the fact that this guy described everything Dan went through from when he was young; when he started seeing dead people.

His logic was telling him that this was all coincidence and this guy was just joking around or lying. There was no way there were other people like Dan out there, who knew what it was like to be like him.

Even knowing that the chances of this being fake were high, he couldn’t help but try to get in contact with the person who wrote the post: Maurice.

Dan quickly typed out a message and sent it to him. He made sure not to say anything about his own abilities, instead he kept the message general. He just wanted to learn more about Maurice; not expose himself.

Maurice was quick to reply. He told him all about seeing his first dead person when he was six years old and telling everyone at school about his ability. Much like Dan, it resulted in him getting shunned by all his classmates.

Dan tried not to fall for anything, but he couldn’t help it. Maurice’s story almost matched his experiences - and they were convincing. He couldn’t help but to consider that there could be some truth to it.

Dan then messaged Maurice back, asking him to meet up before Dan changed his mind. If there was any chance of other people out there having the same ability as him, he wasn’t going to waste it. He might never get another chance to learn about himself.

It didn’t take long for Maurice to reply and agree to meet up. They quickly settled for a place and time and agreed to talk more face-to-face.

After setting up their appointment, Dan began to regret his rash decision. He thought of what Phil would say if he were ever to find out Dan agreed to meet a total stranger to discuss about his power. There was no doubt in Dan’s mind that Phil would be completely against it.

That was mostly why, in the end, Dan decided not to tell him anything about it. Dan was going to come up with some excuse of why he was going out, then meet up with Maurice. If things went well, he would tell Phil about it, and if it didn’t go to plan, Phil wouldn’t know anything in the first place. It was a fool-proof plan.

Now all Dan needed to do was to meet up with Maurice and hope that he was not making a big mistake.

*

Dan was relieved to find out that Maurice really was telling the truth about seeing dead people, and he was only a few years older than him. One of the biggest fears Dan had about this meeting was not having known anything about Maurice, not even his age. At least now he could confirm that he was not old enough that Maurice could pass as his dad.

“Do you know anything else about people like us… apart from being able to see dead people”, Dan asked curiously.

Now that he knew someone who was in the same boat as him, Dan was desperate to find more about who they were and what they could do. Dan found it hard to believe that all he could do was see dead people. There have to be other things he could do, maybe even something he could do to help out Phil.

Maurice did not disappoint. “Did you seriously think that all you could do was see dead people? After all these years, you’ve never figured anything else out?”

Dan could feel himself turning red. How was he supposed to learn anything else about his power when, until a few days ago, he was certain that he was the only person in the whole world that could do this? Not to mention that half of the time he was too busy trying to hide his abilities from everyone else.

“Are you actually going to tell me what else we can do, or do I have to guess?” Dan asked sarcastically. So far, he was not impressed by Maurice’s attitude towards him.

“It’s not as simple as a lecture. There are things which I can’t describe but I can definitely show you. If you’re interested, that is.”

Of course Dan was interested. He would not be here if he didn’t want to learn more about his ability. He would be back home and hanging out with Phil.

“What else can people like you and me do then?”

The last thing he was expecting was for Maurice to smirk and shake his head. “I’ll show you everything you want to know and teach you. However, we can’t possibly do everything today and it’s getting late. How about we meet up another time?”

Dan was starting to get the impression that Maurice didn’t have much interest in talking to him about their abilities, and was much more interested in getting into his pants instead. The hungry look he was giving him only confirmed his suspicions.

He was so close to saying no and going back home, but then he thought of just who was waiting for him back at home. Phil. He needed to do this if he was going to have any luck in finding out a way to help out Phil get to the afterlife if he ever changed his mind.

“Fine, we’ll do it your way. I’ll meet you next week at the same coffee shop, and you can show me everything I need to know. Happy?”

Maurice wasn’t done trying to get what he wanted. “One meeting is not enough to get through everything. There’s a lot for me to teach you. I’ll make you a deal. We’ll meet at my place every Tuesday at five and I’ll teach you everything you want to know.”

Dan had no doubts over what Maurice was doing now. He didn’t have any actual interest in teaching him, and at this point, Maurice was just taking advantage of the situation. He must have realised that Dan was desperate for more information and decided to gain something from it.

At first thought, Dan didn’t have any intention in saying yes. Maurice didn’t interest him in the same way, and it was clear that they both wanted very different things from each other. Thinking about Phil again quickly changed Dan’s mind.

He needed Maurice, whether Dan liked it or not. Without him he was not going to learn anything new about his abilities and he would not be of any help. He wasn’t happy about having to spent so much time with Maurice, but it was clear that there weren’t many choices for him to choose from. Maurice got nothing out of helping him out and so he was not going to settle for anything else than what he was offering.

“Fine, it’s a deal. But I’m only meeting you for an hour every week. No more and no less.”

Phil wasn’t going to be happy about this.

*

“You did what?!” Phil yelled, looking at Dan as if he completely lost his mind. Dan couldn’t blame him, but there was no need for yelling.

“I know it sounds bad, but there’s a reason why I agreed in the first place. He’s going to teach me more about my ability, about what else I can do other than seeing dead people,” he rushed to explain.

Phil didn’t seem to be unfazed. “You agreed to meet a complete stranger without telling anyone about it, and now you’re telling me that you’ve agreed to go to his place once a week. Dan, I shouldn’t be telling you what a stupid idea this is,” he said, sounding exasperated.

“You know nothing about this guy. For all we know, he could be lying about seeing dead people and just using it as an excuse to take advantage of you. You can’t just show up to his place like that.”

Dan knew that what Phil was saying was true, but he also knew that he didn’t have any other choice. “What he told me fits perfectly with what I have experienced ever since I started seeing dead people. I don’t think he’s lying, Phil, and if there’s any chance for me to learn more about what I can do, I have to risk it. It’s the only way I can help you.”

That was clearly the wrong thing to say judging by the way Phil clenched his fists and looked away from him. “I’ve already told you that I don’t need your help! We agreed that you will give me the choice and going around to strangers’ homes for ‘lessons’ is not giving me a choice.”

Dan was getting tired of his attempts at helping being thrown back in his face by Phil over and over again. “I said I’m going to give you the choice and I have no intention of going back on my promise. But I want to have it all figured out in case you change your mind. Besides, did you ever think that maybe I’m not just doing this for you? That maybe after years of thinking I’m the only one who can see dead people, I’ve finally found someone who is like me? Who can understand me?”

Dan made sure not to mention anything about how Maurice did not particularly impress him with his attitude. Phil already seemed to be on edge, he didn’t want to end up making it worse. Let Phil think that he was happy to hang out with Maurice.

Phil let out a resigned sigh, then shook his head. “I don’t know why you even bothered telling me. It’s pretty clear to me that you never had any intention of listening to what I have to say. Go, hang out with Maurice. See if I care.” With that Phil disappeared and Dan was left alone in his bedroom, staring at thin air.

This had gone even worse than Dan was expecting.

*

Phil didn’t really talk to him for the next couple of days. He was adamant on telling Dan just how bad of an idea hanging out with Maurice was.

“Are you sure you want to do this, Dan? Because we’re talking about spending an hour every week with a complete asshole who only wants to get in your pants. It’s dangerous.”

Dan had enough of this. “I’m going to his place to learn more about my abilities. How is that dangerous? Besides, I’m more than capable of taking care of myself. Can’t you just trust me?”

Phil didn’t bring it up again after that but it was clear that he was not happy about the situation but Dan didn’t care. Phil would eventually get over it, and he would have more knowledge about what he could do.

The first session with Maurice wasn’t bad. He still tried flirting with Dan, but it never went further than that, and he did keep his end of the bargain by explaining to Dan more about their abilities and what they could do.

He even introduced Maurice to Phil and, even though the ghost was determined on hating him, at least now he could no longer give Dan grief over meeting with a stranger.

The problems only started later on, when it seemed as if Maurice was starting to get more confident in his advances on Dan.

“Not everyone can do what I do,” Maurice said. “I’ve met people whose powers are not strong enough; they can just hear dead people. Others can see them. People who are more powerful tend to have more capabilities. I have a good feeling about you.”

Dan ignored the smirk Maurice was directing his way. Instead, Dan only focused on the new information he was given. He could certainly do more than just hear dead people; Phil was proof. Not to mention that Dan could also touch them. Maybe Maurice wasn’t exactly wrong. “What can you do?”

Dan regretted asking Maurice the question as soon as he saw the shade of cockiness on the latter’s face.

“I’m glad you asked. I can do more than just talking to the dead. I have the ability to remove someone’s soul from their body and replace it with someone else’s. That’s pretty cool, but I think my favourite ability is being able to travel back in time. I’ve always wanted to be a time traveller.”

Dan wasn’t sure whether Maurice was just taking the piss or was being serious. Both abilities sounded far-fetched and he couldn’t help but think that Maurice just made them up to mess with him. Then again, even speaking to dead people sounded far-fetched to someone who couldn’t do it.

“Wouldn’t removing someone’s soul from their body kill them?” Dan asked, saying the first thing that came into his head.

Maurice shrugged. “Essentially, yes.”

Dan would have taken a step back from Maurice if he could.  Maybe Phil was onto something when he said Maurice could be dangerous. Someone who went around ripping people’s souls from their bodies didn’t  seem like the sort of person Dan wanted to be associated with.

Maurice must have noticed the effect of his words on Dan because he quickly backtracked. “I only did it once and I didn’t know what I was doing. I was still new to this whole thing and it just happened. I don’t make a habit out of ripping souls out of people.”

Something about the way he said it didn’t convince Dan. He was so invested in this new tidbit of information he got from Maurice that he barely thought about the fact that apparently Maurice could travel back in time.

“I think we should call it a day, I’m not feeling very well,” Dan said. He needed to get away from Maurice to try to process what he had been told.

“You’re leaving already? It hasn’t been an hour and our deal was that we meet up for an hour once a week.”

Dan knew he was right. Their deal was an hour every week, but he couldn’t force himself to stick through their meeting; not when his mind was filled with thoughts of people painfully having their souls ripped out of their bodies, leaving them in a comatose state. Dan’s thought was going to be the death of him.

“I know, but I’m really not feeling well today. We’ll continue next time.”

Maurice didn’t seem to be buying it, but at least it didn’t seem like he was going to argue. “Fine, we’ll continue this next week then. I’ll just give you something so that you don’t miss me until I see you again next week…”

Before Dan could get a chance to react, Maurice had already leaned in to kiss him. Dan quickly pushed him away in order to put more space between them. “What the Hell do you think you’re doing?!” Dan hissed.

Maurice didn’t even look remotely guilty. He was still smirking at Dan as if he hadn’t just kissed him out of the blue, given that he must have sensed that Dan wasn’t interested in him.

“Oh, come on, Dan. You must have realised that I like you.”

Unbelievable. Dan could not believe that Maurice was acting as if nothing was wrong. “And you must have realised that I have zero interest in you whatsoever, and yet you still kissed me. I think these meetings were a mistake. Don’t expect to see me next week,” he said, making a move to grab his bag. He was stopped by Maurice.

“I don’t think you want to do that, Dan,” said Maurice in a provocative voice that creeped out the wits of Dan. “At least not if you want to keep on seeing your precious Phil.”

That stopped Dan right in his tracks, turning cold. “What did you just say?”

“Let’s just say that I did a bit of research after you introduced us and I know where he is buried. I could very easily exorcise him if I wanted to. Do you really want that to happen to poor Phil?”

Dan wanted to punch the smirk off of Maurice’s face. He did not want to keep attending these ‘lessons’ with Maurice, not after what happened. Maurice made his intentions clear. Dan could see that he didn’t have any real interest on helping him learn more about his abilities.

As much as he wanted to tell Maurice to get lost and never see him again, he knew he couldn't do that. Dan wasn’t sure if Maurice was serious about exorcising Phil. He didn’t have any way of knowing if Maurice could really exorcise Phil to the afterlife, but he knew that he couldn’t risk it. Phil meant too much to him.

Maurice knew that, which is why he was looking so smug, like the cat that got the cream. “So, I’ll see you next week?”

Dan left without another word, but they both knew that he would be back.

*

Dan didn’t mention anything about what happened with Maurice to Phil. The ghost already hated him, and Dan didn’t want to give him more reasons to do so. Phil would probably insist Dan to stop seeing Maurice, even if it meant Maurice might carry out his threat of exorcising him. Dan couldn’t let that happen.

He also refrained from telling Phil about his newfound abilities. Maybe it was because he wasn’t sure about it himself, or maybe it was because he wanted to forget everything that happened from the second he met Maurice.

It was his fault he was in this situation in the first place. Phil warned him it was dangerous to meet up with a stranger and to take ‘lessons’ from him, but Dan didn’t listen. He was so excited at the idea of finally meeting someone like him and knowing more about his abilities that common sense went out of the window.

Now Phil was in danger and it was all because of him. The thought of Phil getting exorcised… Phil who was a great listener, who trusted him enough to tell him how he died, who spent hours watching movies with him.

Dan admitted - at least to himself - that what he felt  towards the ghost was more than the merely caring for a friend. However, it was completely ridiculous, and Dan knew that the chances of something more happening between them were slim. Phil was dead while Dan was very much alive.

But Dan would never let anything bad happen to Phil, even if it meant he had to keep seeing Maurice once every week.

“What’s up with you?” Phil asked, shaking him out of his thoughts. “You’ve been acting weird ever since you came back from meeting that guy. Did he do anything to you? Because if he did I swear I will-”

Dan cut him off before Phil could go on a rant on just what he would have done to Maurice if given the chance. “It’s fine, nothing happened. I’m just tired, that’s all.”

Phil didn’t seem to believe him, but quickly gave up and changed the subject. “Do you want to watch a movie tonight? We haven’t done that in a week.”

Dan wanted so badly to say yes and be able to spend some quality time with Phil to forget everything about Maurice. Unfortunately, he couldn’t.

“I can’t. One of my stupid stepbrothers is throwing a party in the garden today, and my mum wants me to supervise while she and Clive are gone. Something about making sure things don’t get too wild,” he said, rolling his eyes.

Phil looked disappointed, but he nodded. “That’s fine, I understand. If your brother is involved in the planning of the party, then things are bound to get pretty crazy. I’ll leave you to it and wait for you here.”

Dan was hoping Phil would offer to keep him company during the party. No one he knew was going to be there except for his stepbrothers, and watching on while a bunch of teenagers were dancing horribly, drinking bottles after bottles of alcohol wasn’t exactly his idea of fun.

However, he understood why Phil wouldn’t really want to hang around. It didn’t really seem like it would be his kind of scene either. Not to mention the fact that Dan would be the only one capable of seeing him so he would be his only form of entertainment.

“I’ll try to sneak up here at some point, if things don’t get too crazy.”

Dan was positive he wouldn’t have any problems doing so. After all, what was the worst that could happen?

*

Things ended up going very badly.

It started like any other party did. People arrived and, after mingling, most of the guests moved on to the drinks table.

The music was a little too loud for Dan, but nothing worried him more than the party annoying neighbours and the impending noise complaints. Overall, it seemed like it was a fun night, and Dan was positive that if no one was being disruptive, he would able to sneak up to his room to hang out with Phil sooner than he thought.

Of course, that was when things started going wrong.

Dan was just about to head up to his room when he heard shouting coming from behind him. Since his mum made it pretty clear that he was responsible during the party, it was up to him to figure out what was going on and put a stop to it.

Dan groaned when he realised that the shouting was coming from two guys who seemed ready to attack each other. Dan deduced that they were both drunk and probably didn’t know what they were doing.

Dan asked people around him quickly, asking why the two drunk guys were almost throwing punches at each other. He was told that the two guys were fighting about a girl, and that only made Dan want to groan louder. Why couldn’t they just resolve their situation in a friendly way instead of ruining his plans to hang out with Phil?

He considered letting the two guys ‘discuss’ it between them, but knew he would have to interfere when one of them threw the first punch. His mum would kill him if she found out he let a fight break out in their garden.

Dan wasn’t a fighter and always preferred to hide in the shadows, especially when it meant avoiding fights, but today was not his lucky day.

“Guys, stop this. Someone is going to get hurt.”

They both seemed very uninterested in what Dan was saying, and so he found himself with no other choice than getting in between them in the hopes that he could speak some sense to them. He should have known it wasn’t a brilliant idea to do so.

His reflex hadn’t kicked in when a punch landed between his cheek and the bridge of his nose. Dan fell onto the ground, wincing from the impact of the punch.

Dan could feel blood oozing from his nose, and he was almost sure it was broken. The two guys who were fighting in the first place where nowhere to be seen and the rest of the guests were quick to leave when they found Dan on the ground, hurt. No one offered to help, but Dan could hear murmurs around him. He was on his own.

He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this embarrassed. So much for trying to end a dispute. Dan quickly pulled himself up before more guests could see him, and ran to his bedroom only to come face to face with Phil.

Shit. He forgot that Phil was waiting for him in his room to watch a movie in case he managed to sneak away from the party.

Phil looked shocked. He wasn’t expecting for Dan to be done with the party so soon, and definitely not with blood gushing out of his nose.

“What happened?” He asked, quickly snapping out of his stupor, reaching for a wet towel from the bathroom. Phil pulled Dan to sit, and held his head up then pressed the wet towel to his nose as gently as possible. “Do you think it’s broken?”

Dan really didn’t want to recount the story of how he tried stopping a fist fight between two guys, then ended up being the one getting punched, so he tried keeping it as vague as possible. He wanted some of his dignity to remain intact.

“There was a bit of a fight but nothing big. I don’t think it’s broken, but I’m no doctor.”

Phil realised Dan was feeling embarrassed about it, so he didn’t push him further for explanations. He just held the towel to Dan’s nose in silence until the bleeding subsided, then popped away for a minute to get Dan a bag of frozen peas. “I don’t know if these will be much help, but I’ve seen they do it in movies, so I thought you could give it a try.”

Dan couldn’t help but to smile at what Phil said, but winced painfully since smiling apparently didn’t help his aching, probably broken, nose. Dan took the bag of frozen peas and held it up to his nose. The coolness of the bag helped slightly in numbing the pain. Dan nodded at the ghost gratefully.  “Thanks, this helps a lot.”

Phil selected the movie they would be watching that night, so that Dan wouldn’t feel uncomfortable with Phil worrying over Dan’s condition. They spent the next two hours enjoying the movie and each other’s company.

By the time the movie was over, Dan was half asleep and his head was resting on Phil’s shoulder. If he wasn’t so tired, he would think about moving away, giving the ghost his space since they were practically cuddling, but he didn’t. Instead, Dan just edged closer with the excuse of feeling cold.

“Thanks for taking care of me.

Phil just shrugged it off with a smile. “Don’t worry about it. It actually wasn’t so bad. I’m just glad your nose wasn’t broken, although it’s probably going to bruise for the next couple of days or weeks.”

Dan wasn’t too upset about it. This was much better than having to go to A&E for a broken nose, then having to explain to his mum how he broke it when he was supposed to be the one in charge while she was gone. It was better for everyone this way.

“Still,” he said, lifting his head slightly to look at Phil. “I appreciate it, so thank you.”

Dan didn’t know who leaned in first. It could have been him, but it could also be Phil. All he knew was that they were kissing, and Dan was enjoying it. He was enjoying it a lot.

Or at least he was before he felt Phil pushing him away, and he found himself sprawled on his back on the bed, almost falling off, looking at Phil in confusion. “What’s wrong?”

Phil was looking more panicked by the second. “I shouldn’t have done that, I’m so sorry.”

That only left Dan more confused. What was Phil sorry about? Wasn’t it obvious that Dan wanted that to happen, and was willing to kiss Phil back? “There’s no need to apologise. I wanted that.”

Unfortunately, his confession did nothing to calm the ghost down. “Don’t you get it?” Phil finally snapped, looking at Dan as if he was the one freaking out. “I’m dead and you’re very much alive. Nothing can come out of this! I’ll end up ruining your life.”

Phil made a compelling argument. It wasn’t exactly something Dan would argue against, considering he was often thinking the same thing whenever he thought of the ghost. But having Phil saying it out loud somehow made it worse. Dan didn’t want to think that their relationship was a mistake.

“But in what way could you ruin my life? I know you’re dead, and I’m one of the few people who can see you, but we can figure something out. Don’t you want to at least give it a try?”

For a second Phil looked tempted, and Dan was sure that he managed to somehow convinced Phil, but it didn’t last long.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that to you.”

Phil was gone within the blink of an eye, leaving Dan to stare at the empty space Phil had left behind.

*

Dan didn’t have a clue of where Phil was, but he definitely wasn’t in his room. He didn’t catch a single glimpse of him since they shared their kiss which meant the ghost was hiding from him.

It’s not that Dan was expecting anything, considering the ghost was completely freaking out the last time he saw Dan, but it still hurt. Dan thought they had finally gotten somewhere when they kissed. Instead, it went downhill.

One step forward, two steps back.

Things would have been easier if Dan had any idea where Phil was hiding. He could corner him and convince him to talk before the ghost could disappear once again.

Unfortunately, Phil managed to keep his distance from Dan. Phil didn’t even seem to care what was happening between them, and Dan could feel himself going crazy. Dan just wanted to talk. Was it too much to ask?

This kept going for a while until Dan decided that it was time for some drastic measures.

He got up one morning and left for school as usual. He attended the first two lessons and then, when he was absolutely sure both his mother and Clive would have left the house, he made his way back home. Dan thought it would be the perfect way to corner Phil since the ghost would not be expecting him back home so soon.

His plan ended up failing since he couldn’t find Phil anywhere in the house. Dan could have just given up. Phil couldn’t hide from him forever, and eventually, they would get the chance to talk. But Dan didn’t want to wait. It was something they needed to talk about.

I did say that drastic times call for drastic measures, he thought.

“I’m sick and tired of this Phil,” Dan yelled, trying not to feel foolish over shouting into the wind. He impatiently waited for a reply. No reply from Phil.

Dan knew that the ghost was listening to his every word. He just needed to figure out what would make Phil snap and come out from hiding.

“I’m serious, Phil! You know… you’re not the only one who kissed me lately,” Dan said challengingly, though a part of him regretted it for taking it too far.

“Maurice gave it a try last week. I stopped him, told him I wasn’t interested. I might just go back right now; finish whatever we left off. Not that you would care, right, considering that you’re still ignoring me.”

Dan smirked when he heard a dull thud that came from behind, but quickly recovered. “Interesting that the thought of me making out with Maurice made you change your mind.”

“He kissed you?” Phil asked, bewildered, completely disregarding what Dan had said.

Dan needed to be really careful about what he had to say next. Phil didn’t need to know about what Maurice told him about Dan’s other abilities, and definitely not the fact that Maurice had threatened Dan.

“He did, when we met last week. I didn’t let him kiss me. I did what you did: I pushed him away,” he said. Dan knew he was being petty, but he couldn’t help it. He, too, kissed Phil, and was pushed away.

Phil looked distraught, but he quickly turned away to leave Dan once again.

Dan quickly grabbed a hold of Phil’s arm before he could disappear again. “Stop that! You’re behaving like a child. I’m not going to jump you and force you to kiss me. I just want to talk.”

“I like you Dan, I really do. But if you want something more out of our relationship, that’s too much to ask; it’ll never work. I’m dead and you’re alive. I can’t take you out on dates, I can’t meet your parents. You’re the only one who can see me. A relationship where we would be happy and alive would make no sense!”

Dan knew that already, but he didn’t care. He liked Phil more than he had ever liked anyone before. Dan realised that he was acting selfish, but all he wanted was a chance to be with the one he loved.

“I know our situation isn’t normal. Hell, it’s so unusual that it’s laughable; madness. But do you really not want to give us a chance?”

For a moment, Dan was certain that Phil was actually thinking about it. Dan wanted to give him more of a reason to say yes. “If you’re so worried about not being able to take me out on dates, I have just the solution. I know a place, it’s near the lake. It’s well-hidden; no one knows about it. We can go there as often as you like. Maybe for a picnic and… other things.”

Dan’s words seemed to be the push Phil needed to finally take the leap. He inched closer, and pulled Dan in for a kiss he had been dreaming about ever since their first kiss. Dan broke the kiss, but positioned his forehead against Phil’s. “Took you long enough,” he mumbled.

Phil rolled his eyes, and kissed Dan again.

“So, that lake you mentioned,” Phil said, as he pulled away from the kiss, “want to go there some time?”

*

As much as Dan hated Maurice, he wanted information. But their meeting was over promptly, and Maurice didn’t give him any information. Dan lost count of how many times he avoided the the stranger’s advances.

Maurice couldn’t care less even after Dan told him he was seeing someone. Dan observed Maurice and deduced that the guy seemed like the kind of person who wasn’t used to being told no, and so he behaved as if he was oblivious to the fact that Dan wasn’t interested in him. If it wasn’t for Phil, he would have left Maurice ages ago.

He jumped when he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket, but quickly smiled when he realised what it meant. Their meeting was coming to an end, and he could finally leave and go on a date Phil promised him in the morning.

Dan got up to leave, but was blocked at the door by a smirking Maurice. “Are you sure I can’t interest you in staying for a little longer? I’ve got a bottle of wine that we can share.”

Dan refrained himself from rolling his eyes. Instead, he politely shook his head. “Thanks, but I actually have a date that I need to get to. Maybe next time,” he said, even though in his head he was already thinking of how he was going to avoid another proposition from Maurice for the following next week.

Maurice was obviously not happy about it, but at least he let Dan leave without anymore complications.

Dan quickly made his way to the lake, and was glad to find Phil waiting for him at the entrance of the park. “I spent an hour with Maurice. I had to ward off his advancements, so I hope you brought food. I’m starving.”

Dan knew that mentioning Maurice’s name never failed to make Phil jealous, even though the ghost was aware that Dan was not interested in the guy. A little jealousy never hurt anyone, and that’s why Dan liked to bring him up occasionally.

Phil pulled him in for an intense kiss, and Dan smirked. Bingo.

Since Dan was the one who knew where the hidden area was, he was in charge of leading the way.

The view did not disappoint Phil. The area wasn’t spacious, so they didn’t have much space to move around, but they had a perfect view of the lake, shining under the sunlight.

Phil took care of spreading out an old blanket for them to sit on, then took out various foods from his bag. “You better appreciate the effort I went through to get all of this prepared without anyone catching me. Explaining to your mum or step-father why sandwiches were floating in the air in the kitchen wouldn’t be fun.”

Dan couldn’t help but burst out laughing at the thought of that. Sometimes, it was easy to forget that as he was the only one who could see Phil. What Dan deemed as normal would freak other people out as they can’t see ghosts, like his mum once did.

Dan took a bite of the sandwich and smiled. “Well, you’ll be happy to know that your efforts were very much appreciated. This tastes great; just what I needed after a long day.”

Phil tried to look as if he didn’t really care whether Dan liked the sandwiches or not, but Dan could tell from the blush on Phil's face, that he appreciated the compliment.

Spending time together like this made them forgot that that they were not like the usual couples. Like this, enjoying each other’s company, and soaking up the sun, it was easy to forget that outside of their little world, things were not as straightforward.

Dan sometimes couldn’t help but think of what his mum would say if she were to meet Phil. She would probably say that Phil was a good influence on him and she would probably be happy that Dan had finally found someone he loved and cared about, after the mess that was Ollie.

He always tried to quickly shake himself out of such thoughts. Thinking about things that could never happen would lead them to nowhere. He wanted to enjoy the times he got to hang out with Phil like this with no interruption.

Dan saw Phil sneakily move his hand in order to take the last sandwich, and quickly snatched it from under his nose, laughing at the affronted look the ghost aimed at him. “Better luck next time,” he said, taking a bite of the sandwich.

He should have known that Phil would not let him get away with it, and that was how they spent the rest of the day chasing each other around the little clearing and kissing softly on the blanket whenever they got tired of running.

*

Things were going great for Dan for the first time of his life, but he couldn’t help but to make the mistake of thinking it was going to remain that way.

Maurice quickly ruined his good mood and optimism during their next meeting.

“You know,” Maurice began as soon as Dan walked in, not even offering his guest a simple ‘Hello’. “When you told me you couldn’t go out with me because you were seeing someone, it never even crossed my mind that you would lower your standards so that you could date a ghost.”

Dan felt his blood run cold. Maurice was never supposed to know that he was dating Phil. That was supposed to be their own little secret. Even though Phil never failed to let him know just how much he didn’t like Maurice, Dan knew the ghost wouldn’t be stupid enough to go and confront Maurice without telling Dan.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, acting as undoubtedly clueless as he could. For all he knew, Maurice was just guessing, and it just so happened to be right. Dan needed to be careful not to validate Maurice’s assumptions, and Dan’s secret with Phil would be fine. At least that was what he thought at first.

“I couldn’t help but feel curious when you told me you were actually dating someone. I wanted to know who this person was, but I knew you would never tell me, so I followed you,” he admitted, a smirk stuck firmly on his face.

“Imagine my shock when I saw you kissing that ghost you’re always so adamant on protecting. Everything makes a lot more sense now.”

Dan was at a complete loss of what to do. Maurice had seen them, and that made it difficult for him to somehow lie his way out of it. He remembered Maurice’s threatening words that convinced Dan to agree to weekly meetings with Maurice in order to protect Phil.

That was before Maurice was aware of Dan’s relationship with the ghost. Dan got the feeling that things were about the get a lot worse.

“I don’t think I’ve ever pursued anyone who has told me no before, and you’ve done it over and over again. You rejected me so that you could be with a ghost who’s been dead for years?” Maurice hissed, smirk dropping off to be replaced with a grimace. “He can’t give you what you want, but I can. Think about it, Dan. Are you going to spend the rest of your life with someone only you can see?”

Dan was terrified. This was the exact situation he wanted to avoid, and he didn’t know to what length Maurice would go to. That didn’t mean he was going to let anyone talk about Phil like that.

“Phil might be a ghost, but he’s ten times the man you are,” he snapped.

That was the wrong thing to say.

“You’re going to regret saying that. Have you forgotten that I can do things you haven’t learned yet? I can go back to the past and stop Phil from getting himself killed in that fire. There won’t be any ghost for you to kiss, then. Or there will be, but he’ll have no idea who you are.”

Phil was right, Dan admitted. He shouldn’t have ignored the risks and he shouldn’t have agreed to the weekly ‘lessons’ in the first place, knowing that Maurice was interested in other things. What was he supposed to do now?

Maurice wasn’t lying about what he would do. Their ‘lessons’ consisted more of Dan ignoring Maurice’s flirts than learning anything, but it goes without saying that Maurice was still more knowledgeable than Dan was.

If Maurice really could go to the past and keep Phil from getting murdered, then Dan had no way of stopping him. Dan didn’t have a clue on how people like them could go to the past. And even if he did, what was he supposed to do? Tie Maurice up until he gave up and taking them back to present time?

Dan didn’t have much time to think things through. He could see Maurice’s skin losing colour, almost as if he was turning into a ghost himself, and it was then it dawned on him that he didn’t know anything.

“It wasn’t hard to figure out when and how your little boyfriend died. I’ll admit that I haven’t got a clue of who killed him, but that’s not going to matter when I get to be the one saving him from death. You should be thanking me, because I’m about to give him a second chance at living. If you really liked him, you would be helping me, not stopping me.”

That made Dan pause. As much as he hated Maurice, he couldn’t deny that he had a point. Wasn’t he the one who was desperate to learn about who killed Phil in order to help him get to the afterlife? He should be all for the idea of giving Phil another chance. No one deserved it more than him.

But Dan wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Judging by the fact that Maurice looked so transparent that Dan could barely even see him anymore, whatever Maurice was doing was working. Dan wasn’t even going to get a chance to see Phil for the last time.

He couldn’t let that happen. Before he think about it too much, he jumped forward and grabbed onto Maurice’s hand.

Everything turned into a blur.

*

When Dan regained consciousness, he was greeted by the sight of Maurice glaring at him. “What the Hell is wrong with you? I could have killed you!”

Dan tried not to think too much about what could have happened to him if things went awry, instead, focused on the situation he found himself in.

It seemed Dan had somehow traveled to the past with Maurice when he grabbed onto him. It meant that he still had a chance of saving Phil. All he needed to do was keep Maurice from stopping Phil’s murderer.

But it made Dan pause. He could stop the murderer and save Phil. It meant Phil wouldn’t have to spend years stuck in a limbo. It meant he wouldn’t have go through the pain of being burnt alive.

The only downside to this was the fact that Dan would never see Phil again. He would lose the only relationship he ever had in his life. The only true friend. But was that more important than Phil getting to live his life?

Dan was being selfish, he knew that. Maurice was about to give Phil something which Dan hadn’t been able to give himself, and instead of being happy for him and trying to help out in every way he could, he was planning on putting a stop to it.

If Dan really loved Phil like he thought he did, then he knew what he had to do - he needed to do everything he could to keep Phil alive. Phil would get another chance at life and, hopefully, when he did eventually die, he would not be stuck in a limbo, unable to move on to the afterlife. It was the least he could do for someone who had made such an impact on his life.

Maurice seemed on edge. He probably thought that Dan was still intending on trying to stop him. Little did he know that Dan had decided on doing the very opposite of that, even though it was killing him on the inside.

“No need to keep staring at me like that. I’m not going to stop you. I’m going to help you.”

The bewildered look on Maurice’s face helped making Dan feel a little better. At least until Maurice managed to shake off his shock and gave him his signature smirk - the smirk that never failed to make Dan’s skin crawl.

“I knew you would get it eventually. Honestly, it took a little longer than I had hoped for, but at least you get it now. Don’t see this as me trying to ruin your life. Think of it as me helping your little ghost friend out.”

Dan took a deep breath. He needed to stay on Maurice's good side for all the help he can get. Punching him in the face like he desperately wanted to do would probably be counterproductive. It was hard not to try and wipe that stupid smirk off of his face, though.

“Don’t get cocky. I’m going to help you because I love Phil, and he deserves a second chance. I still can’t stand you and, once we get back, you can forget about our weekly sessions.”

Maurice ignored him and started walking towards a house that shared some similarities with the one Dan currently lived in. Whoever rebuilt the house after the fire decided to keep some of its original characteristics. But somehow, it reminded him of his room, where Phil would be waiting for him. Dan’s heart ached.

Dan quickly followed Maurice and grabbed his arm to stop him. “What exactly is the plan? We can’t just break into the house and drag Phil out. Not to mention that we still have no idea who murdered him in the first place.”

Maurice didn’t seem worried at all. In fact, Dan would actually dare say that Maurice knew more about Phil’s murderer than he was letting on.

“Did you think I was going to travel all the way to the past without having a clear idea of what I was working with and what would need to be done?” Maurice snapped, then rolled his eyes. “Have faith in me, Dan. I happen to know that your little friend’s parents had the tendency to leave the backdoor unlocked in the afternoon, because Phil was always around. We just need to get in and find Phil.”

Dan could only stare at him. “How the Hell do you know all that? Phil couldn’t have been the one to tell you, he would have told me first. Not to mention he happens to hate your guts.”

“I didn’t need your ghost’s help to figure everything out,” Maurice said, exasperated. “You shouldn’t forget that you’re not the only one who can see dead people, Dan. I can see them too, and I’m more experienced than you. I saw the ghost of Phil’s father lurking near your house. Did you know your boyfriend had a really turbulent relationship with his dad? Or should I say stepdad?”

Dan could feel a ball of dread dropping in his stomach when he heard of Phil’s father because he got the feeling that he knew where this was going. “What does his dad have to do with anything?”

“Do you even need to ask me that, Dan?” Maurice asked, beamused. “Phil’s stepdad was the one who murdered him. They never got on well, and Paul felt like Phil was always trying his best to turn his mother against him. One day, they got into an argument, and Paul had enough. He waited until Phil was sleeping then set the whole house on fire. I found it quite ironic how he did everything out of fear of losing his wife but risked her life as well in order to get rid of Phil.”

Dan was left speechless. He had no doubts that even if he had spent months looking for information about what happened on the night Phil was murdered, he would have never figured out the truth. He would have never realised that the person behind the whole thing was Phil’s own stepdad. It certainly didn’t help that Phil had never confided in him regarding his relationship with his family members.

Phil lost his life because a person he considered family hated him enough to murder him. He was left to burn alive in his own bedroom because his stepdad considered him to be a danger to his relationship with his wife.

“So how exactly are you planning on saving him?” Dan managed to mumble once he got his emotions under control.

“Simple. You get Phil out of his room and out of the house. I’ll stop his stepdad from burning the whole house to the ground.”

“You do realise that there is nothing remotely simple about your plan right?” Dan said, if he should be taking Maurice seriously. “How do you expect me to convince Phil to listen to what I say and get out of the house? In case you’ve forgotten, ‘alive Phil’ doesn’t know me. I think the chances of him trusting an intruder are very slim.”

All Maurice did was roll his eyes. “Introduce yourself! Do whatever you did to get the ghost interested in you and use it on this Phil. Charm him. Flirt a little.”

Dan could already tell that this whole mission was going to end up disastrously. If Phil’s chances of not dying that night rested on him having to trust a complete stranger who intruded his home, and flirting him, then Phil was as good as dead.

However, Dan was aware that they didn’t have much time. It wouldn’t be long now until Phil’s dad sneaked out, and they needed to get to work before it was too late.

“Just to be clear, I still think your plan is shit, but there’s not enough time to come up with something else. I’ll try my best to get Phil out of the house, but it’s going to be hard, so you need to keep his dad from setting fire to the house,” he said, already making his way around the house in order to get to the back door.

Just as Maurice said, the back door was unlocked, and Dan didn’t have any trouble making his way inside. His mind flooded with Phil’s recount of the night he died, and he quickly figured where Phil’s room was located, and didn’t waste anymore time.

Dan tried to move as quietly and quickly as possible. He couldn’t afford someone hearing or seeing him. It would raise a lot of questions that he would not be able to answer, not to mention ruin their whole plan.

He couldn’t help but hesitate once he finally got to Phil’s room - the same room he had been sleeping in for the past few months. The same room where he met Phil for the first time, and where they eventually started getting to know each other. The room where Dan fell in love with Phil.

Dan was determined to save Phil, and it would be as if everything they had shared together, never actually happened. Dan was terrified that the second he saw Phil - his Phil - alive and well, he wouldn’t be able to go through the ordeal. He wouldn’t be able to stop his murder from happening, not knowing that, in doing so, he would never be able to see him again.

Taking a deep breath, Dan reached his hand out and opened the door. It revealed a dark room, and Dan saw a figure - Phil - on the bed, sleeping soundly. How was he going to get Phil out of his room to somewhere safer?

Knowing that there was no time for him to waste, Dan shuffled closer to the bed, then hesitantly tapped Phil on the back in an attempt to wake him up. When that didn’t work, he tapped the latter’s shoulder with vigour. Phil tousled in his bed. Dan was pleased to see Phil slowly waking up.

At least, until Phil bolted up when he saw an unfamiliar figure looming over his bed, startled, and before Phil had the chance to scream, Dan quickly covered the latter’s mouth preventing Phil from waking up his mother and stepfather.

“Please don’t shout! I’m not going to hurt you,” Dan said hastily. He hushed Phil who was retaliating under his grip, and Dan listened attentively for footfalls. His first mission was cleared. Now, time to convince Phil to trust him. “Look, I know you have no idea who I am, but I’m here to help you. I’ll remove my hands if you promise not to scream. I just want to explain myself. Do you promise?”

Phil frantically nodded.

Dan hesitantly removed his hands from Phil’s mouth. He was relieved when Phil kept his word. “I know this sounds insane, but I’m here to… I’m here to save your life. Hear me out! Someone is going to murder you in a few minutes and you don’t deserve that. That’s why you need to listen to me, and you need to get out of the house right now, for your own safety,” Dan said quickly. He was under immense pressure, and their time was running out, and Phil’s refusal to cooperate is something he didn’t want to deal with at the moment.

But to Dan’s surprise, Phil simply jumped out of his bed and did what Dan said, no questions asked. But this Phil wasn’t Dan’s Phil even though, deep down, he knows that his Phil was in this Phil.

The air was unusually still, and Dan was nervous. He saw Phil’s face; scowling. Dan didn’t expect for Phil to burst out laughing after Dan intruded his house, his room, and his sleep.

Once he calmed down, Phil turned to face Dan, looking angry, nonetheless. “Look,” Phil began to speak for the first time. “I have no idea who you are, or what you drank before you barged in here but clearly, you’re a bit out of it. I’m not as cruel as other people who live in this house, so if you walk out right now, I won’t call the police.”

Dan had known that Maurice’s plan was stupid and it had no chance of working, but he was still a little disappointed. A part of him had been hopeful that maybe this Phil he was facing would feel whatever connection they shared back in the future, but it was clear now this was just Dan’s wishful thinking.

“I’m so sorry,” Dan said, leaving Phil looking confused. “I know you don’t believe me right now, but I’m doing this for your own safety. If you don’t get out of the house, you’ll die.”

Dan grabbed Phil’s wrist. Phil was still disoriented, and Dan started dragging him out of the room, but Phil was not making it easy. He quickly fought back. He knew they were not going to make it outside if they continued like this.

“Please just listen to me, we have to go outside…”

“Let go of me! You’re out of your mind for breaking into my house, expecting me to believe some crazy story about someone trying to kill me,” Phil said, pulling his wrist and kicking his feet to try and break Dan’s hold on him.

“It’s not just anyone, it’s your stepdad. You had an argument today, didn’t you? He’s still pissed at you and thinks you’re trying to break him and your mum up and he’s going to get rid of you!” Dan hissed desperately.

It didn’t matter what he said. Phil was not interested in listening to anything Dan had to say, and Dan couldn’t blame him. If their roles had been reversed, Dan surely wouldn’t believe a stranger that broke into his home and started spouting out crazy stories about a crazy stepdad wanting  to kill him too. Who was he kidding? Dan definitely wouldn’t believe it.

He was just about to let Phil go and start thinking of an alternative plan when he heard it. There were voices coming from outside. “No, no, no, it’s too early…” Dan muttered to himself, quickly getting up and moving to the window. The sight of fire was unmistakable.

“Dan!”

He whirled around at the sound of his name, to be greeted with the sight of a panicked looking Maurice running into Phil’s room.

“What the Hell is going on here?” Phil snapped, looking between them like the apocalypse was coming. “Look, I don’t know what the Hell you two think you’re doing but it’s not funny and you need to get the Hell out right now before I call to the police.”

Maurice ignored Phil. “We need to get out of here right now. I couldn’t stop his stepdad. I tried to reason with him, and then used force when he wouldn’t listen to me, but he hit me. Let’s go,” he said, taking a hold of Dan’s hand and starting to pull him out.

Dan shook Maurice’s grip off him and moved back. He quickly walked over to Phil, who at this point was starting to realise that what Dan had been telling him might not have been so crazy.

“Listen, I know this is all probably really overwhelming but we need to leave or we’re going to end up burning alive.”

“I-I can’t..”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Maurice snarled before pulling on Dan’s hand again. “His stepdad surrounded the whole house with fuel. This place is going to burn down before you know it. Let’s get the Hell out of here.”

But Dan couldn’t leave. He couldn’t leave Phil to die, not after he travelled so far into the past to stop everything from happening. Maurice was right, if they left now the ghost version of Phil - his Phil - would still be there to welcome him home, but it wasn’t worth it.

The Phil welcoming him back in his time would just be a shell of the man he was seeing in front of him right now. He was a version who could be seen only by Dan and others who shared his gift. The man he had slowly fallen in love with deserved so much more than that.

But Dan wouldn’t be able to live knowing that he saved his own ass and left Phil… the real Phil… to burn alive.

“I can’t… Maurice, we can’t just leave after all of this. He’s going to die in here. I love him, I can’t leave.”

Maurice looked at him like Dan had lost his mind.

“What difference will it make? Instead of him just dying, you’ll be dying with him. Is that what you want? Sacrificing your life so you can die together like Romeo and Juliet?” Maurice sneered in a mocking tone. “Suit yourself, but I’m not hanging around to watch it. I’m out of here.”

Dan could see Maurice start to fade out, and all he could do was stare at him with wide eyes. He never liked Maurice, but he had never thought that he would abandon him like that.

“What the Hell is wrong with you people?”

Turning around, Dan saw Phil staring at Maurice with complete bewilderment. “I have no idea what the Hell you’re talking about… both of you, but I’m not stupid. I understand if you don’t want to save me because you don’t know me, but you obviously know each other. You can’t just leave him here,” he said, pointing at Dan.

Dan heard a creaking noise coming from underneath them. They didn’t have a lot of time. A look at Phil let him know that the other was aware of it too.

“If he wants to risk his life to stick with you, then he’s more than welcome to do that.”

Another creak, another warning that they were surviving on borrowed time. The floor was not going to hold them up forever. The house was burning down and it wouldn’t be long until it gave out underneath them.

Maurice was almost gone at this point, and Dan felt helpless. Dan and Phil were doomed.

Everything was a blur to Dan after that. He saw Phil running towards him and covering his body with his own. Phil pushed him towards Maurice and all he could do was grab on to the vanishing boy. The floor underneath them gave way straight after, but before his mind started working, Dan’s body spinned and saw Phil’s face looking sad and horrified at the same time, and then all Dan saw was complete darkness.

*

The first thing he saw when he came into consciousness was white. Looking around he realised that he was staring at the white walls of the hospital. “W-What am I doing here?” Dan thought to himself.

A hand squeezing his own brought his attention away from the hospital walls to the figure sitting beside his bed. What he saw made Dan’s breath caught in his throat.

Phil. His Phil. Not the one in the past who had no idea who Dan was. This was the ghost, but Dan couldn’t help but to think that he preferred him like this or maybe he was just biased because the ghost was looking at him with adoration.

“What happened?” Dan croaked, at which point he allowed Phil to help him sit up and drink half a glass of water.

“You were stupid, that’s what happened,” Phil said, but his harsh words were softened by the fond tone he uttered them in. “Next time, when you decide to travel back in time to save someone’s life, how about you let me know so that I’d at least know what to expect?”

Dan couldn’t quite understand how Phil knew about what had happened. Had Maurice woken up before him and admitted to everything?

Phil must have caught the confused look on Dan’s face because he sighed. “I know your sessions with Maurice usually last an hour, so when you didn’t come back home after two hours, I started getting worried. I dropped by at Maurice’s and found both of you passed out on the floor. But I saw another body there with yours.”

Dan froze. There was no way they could have brought past Phil here with them when they travelled back to their present time. But who else would the third body belong to if not past Phil? A nod from Phil confirmed his suspicions.

“Is… is he okay?” He asked, unsure of what he was supposed to say in a situation like this.

Phil sighed and shrugged. “I’m not sure. I’m in a coma. Well… not exactly me. My past self. No one knows for sure what’s wrong with me, but I think I have an idea. My past self can’t live in this time; not when I’m inhabiting this time as a ghost. You know what I mean?”

This was all so strange and so new that Dan wasn’t sure what was real and what wasn’t anymore. He still understood what Phil was trying to tell him, regardless of his circumstances. Phil from the past couldn’t live in this time with ghost Phil still around. He was dying.

Dan should have never messed with time.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

Phil gave him a weak smile and squeezed his hand again. It seemed as if they were both left without words after what happened.

“What’s going to happen to you?”

Phil sighed and that’s when Dan knew that it wasn’t going to be good news. “I can’t be sure but I don’t think I have much time left here. My body is slowly dying, and you helped me figure out who murdered me all those years ago, so it won’t be long now until I get to go to the afterlife.”

Now more than ever, Dan wished he had somehow stopped Maurice from going back in time. He knew it now: messing with time caused consequences, and those consequences hurt more than one could imagine.

He tried to save Phil from the fire because he knew he deserved another chance, but when they didn’t manage to do it, he really thought he would be able to go back to his Phil and enjoy their time together. He failed to realise that finally knowing who murdered him would mean Phil would finally be able to move on to the afterlife without anything holding him back.

Phil must have realised how devastated Dan felt. Phil felt responsible to change the subject. “Can you walk?” When Dan slowly nodded, Phil continued, “Come on, I want to get a look at myself again. It’s so strange seeing myself alive again, even if in a coma. I’d gotten used to looking pale and no one being able to see me.”

Dan let out a watery laugh and allowed Phil to lead him to the Intensive Care Unit.

His breath caught in his throat when he saw Phil’s body lying on the bed. It was surreal seeing Phil’s his chest moving up and down slowly with every breath he took, despite having to have a ventilator to help him breathe. Even unconscious, he looked breathtakingly beautiful and it pained Dan to know he was dying. He didn’t even get the chance to hug him and feel his warmth rather than the chill he always felt when hugging Phil’s spirit. The sound of the ECG machine beeping loudly but steadily made Dan’s heart clench. At least Phil was still alive.

Dan was about to say that Phil looked beautiful when he noticed Phil slowly fading away, almost like Maurice did when he travelled back in time.

Phil let out a shaky breath then gave Dan a sad smile. “I guess it’s time for me to go,” he whispered, voice cracking with emotion.

Dan desperately wanted to be strong because he knew that, at the end of the day, this was something good, even if it hurt him. Phil had waited years aimlessly for the chance to move on to the afterlife; he deserved to finally get the chance to move on.

It still didn’t stop Dan from tearing up. “I’m going to miss you,” he said in a shaky voice, trying to get his emotions under control.

“Me too,” Phil said, taking a hold of his hand and squeezing it. “Thank you… thank you for trusting me, for being my friend, for doing your best to help me out.”

Phil leaned in to kiss Dan for one last time and, in doing so, his hand brushed the leg of his unconscious body. They stopped, and the next thing Dan realised, he saw Phil’s body covered in white light and Phil was gone in a blink. Dan was finally alone in the ward with nothing but Phil’s lifeless body on the bed.

He dropped into a chair and rested his head against the bed sheets. With Phil gone, there was no need for him to be strong anymore, and soon found himself crying. “I love you,” he mumbled, taking Phil’s cold hand into his. The sound of the ECG machine made Dan become aware of Phil’s current state. He wasn’t dead.

That was when Dan felt his hand being gripped tightly, and his head snapped to look up. Phil’s arm moved. Dan saw Phil’s pale knuckle gripping Dan’s  own. Dan stood, alarmed. He saw Phil frown, but slowly trying to open his eyes, trying his best to adjust to the harsh white light in the room.

“Phil?” he asked, alarmed.

“W-where am I?” Phil’s raspy voice said inaudibly, but Dan gets closer to him to hear Phil repeat his question once again. “Where am I?”

“In the hospital. I-I’m gonna get the nurse. W-wait, I’ll be back in a second,” Dan panicked, rushing out to find a nurse.

*

“Dan!” His mum called from downstairs. This was the third time she was calling him but there was still no sign of Dan coming down the stairs. Dan was taking his time. Going to the Winter Dance with his boyfriend will only happen once in a lifetime, and Dan wanted to look as perfect as possible. He wanted to live the moment and… maybe he wanted to make a big entrance too.

Dan reached for his phone to check for messages, but realised that he had made everyone waited for him for five minutes. Standing in front of the mirror, he was satisfied with how smart he looked. He smiled at his reflection in the mirror, and promised himself a great time at the dance. Quickly, he grabbed his phone and keys then started to make his way downstairs.

As he was making his way down, he caught sight of his oldest stepbrother hurriedly making his way upstairs with an armful of books. “Am I about to start seeing pigs flying? Because if you are actually studying, then anything can happen.”

All he got in return was a glare, but his stepbrother did stop before entering his room. “Hey, Dan,” he called out. “You look good.” Before Dan could say thank you, he had already closed his door behind him.

That was the only positive interaction they had so far.  

Dan looked down onto his feet to watch where he was stepping before he rolled down the stairs, but when he looked up, he smiled at the sight that greeted him.

Clive was asking everyone who happened to be in his way to taste some new dish he was preparing for dinner. His mum was playing around with the camera in her hands, trying to figure out how it worked.

And then there was Phil. Dan couldn’t get over how Phil looked absolutely breathtaking in his black tux and bowtie. He couldn’t wait for the Winter Dance to end so he could have fun taking off Phil’s tux when they were spending the night at his boyfriend’s new apartment.

Dan stopped short at the sight of Phil, and he had to bite his lip to keep himself from showing everyone just how much it was affecting him.

It was a pretty typical family scene of the parents making a big deal out of their child’s first school dance and their date picking them up, but to Dan, it meant something more. Because his family could actually see his date.

He was dating someone real and not a ghost that only he could see. He was going to attend the school dance with his very real boyfriend, and he got to show him off to all his schoolmates, instead of going alone like he planned all those months ago.

Dan’s mum was the first one who saw Dan walking down the stairs. She gave him a big smile and gestured for him to come closer so she could fix his bowtie. “You look stunning, sweetheart,” she said and, to his horror, he felt himself blushing at the compliment.

He gazed at Phil who was still talking to Clive, and their eyes met. Dan caught Phil’s grin, and the next second, Phil’s attention was on Clive. Dan guessed Phil had to present himself as likable to Dan’s parents.

“So, I see you’ve met Phil,” Dan said as his mother fixed how bowtie.

Dan’s mum smiled tenderly. He missed his mum’s motherly smile. Dan had no doubts that after years of worrying over her son not having any friends, she was over the moon when Dan revealed he had a boyfriend, even though he was a few years older than him.

“I have,” his mum said. “It’s lovely to meet you, Phil,” she said, smiling at Phil. “Come over here Phil so I can take a photo of you two together.”

Dan groaned but moved closer, moving his arm around Phil’s back.

“I won’t hear any complaints from you, young man,” she said sternly, but smiled to indicate that she wasn’t serious. “I deserve to take many photos of you two after you hid the fact that you have a boyfriend.”

Dan’s mum took enough photos of them to fill up a whole album before she finally allowed them to leave and start heading for the dance. He waved goodbye, promising his mum to be back home safely after the dance, even though the both knew he probably wouldn’t be back before lunchtime the next day, and then made their way to Phil’s car.  

Well… more like Maurice’s car. Maurice had felt guilty for almost leaving Dan to burn alive with Phil and he offered to lend Phil the car for the occasion when he came over to apologise to Dan.

A part of Dan wanted to say that lending his car was a small price to pay for almost leaving him to die, but then he remembered what Maurice had told him before he left. “You two are meant to be together. Phil protected you even when he had no idea who you were. I could have never done that. He really loves you.”

Dan thought maybe they could make peace.

Dan just hoped they weren’t stopped by the police on the way to the dance considering Phil had no licence, or birth certificate, or school reports so he could start attending college… nothing really. They were still working on it.

They were lucky that Maurice had once again helped out by getting Phil a job. At least Phil now could afford his own apartment.

Once they arrived at the school, Dan found himself having troubles controlling his giddy smile when he walked down the hall with Phil, holding hands. He could finally show off his dashing boyfriend.

Just as they were passing in front of the back doors, Dan caught sight of a man walking around aimlessly. The greyish tinge to his skin proved he was a ghost. He knew that the responsible thing to do was to help him, but tonight, Dan just wanted to be with Phil at the dance. He swore to himself that he would look for the man to talk the next day.

“Want to dance?” he asked Phil, before leading him to the dance floor.

“We should talk to that man tomorrow, see if we can do anything to help,” Phil said, slowly swaying to the beat.

Dan nodded in agreement before he realised what his boyfriend had just said. “Wait… you can see him? The man walking around near the back door?”

Phil nodded with a chuckle. “I can definitely see him. Why, is that a problem?”

Dan shook his head, dumbfounded. “No, but… that means you can see dead people too.”

“Apparently so.” Phil paused. “That means we can go on supernatural adventures together, helping them cross over to the afterlife. Maybe we can start a business or something,” he joked.

Dan rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but smile. Phil… his Phil, was no longer a ghost. Instead he was just like him. “I hate you.”

“I love you too.”

*

A/N: So there you have it! My fic for the Phandom Big Bang 2017. Like I’ve already said, I’ve been working on this for almost a year and it’s surreal to finally have it posted for everyone to read. With almost 23,000 words, it’s also the longest oneshot I’ve ever written. I hope you enjoyed it and, if you did, make sure to let me know! Like, reblog, send me asks! I reply and appreciate everything. 

Now look forward to the 25 Days of Christmas 2017, starting on December 1st!

[kneebleed]

Prometo; track 4

Summary: Le diste paso, le diste cuerda al corazón, y sin embargo no lograste reparar tanto fracaso.

AO3

Masterpost

Note: this is kind of a soulmate au??? idk, there are mentions of it; take it as you want. (commisions are still open btw)

Dan never wanted this, but it was kind of his fault, he knows that. He was the one that stayed silence, letting his lack of words speak over his real feelings. He let himself sink in into something that Dan knew that he couldn't have from the start, not in the universe on which he was living; but having that felt right.

The feeling should pass away, like the storms that take everything in their path to let the calm reign once they go, but the memory of Phil was still there, buried into stone in Dan's mind, acting as if he was the king of Dan's palaces. Phil always comes back, somehow; it was like the universe tied them after all, challenging itself by doing so.

Dan still keeps Phil's number on his phone, not finding a reason to do otherwise yet. Dan feels like Phil knows that, expecting that, at some point, he's going to go back to that secure place that they found once. And Dan feels like he's going to do it when he can't find a way to silence all that noise that they always made when they were together; surprisingly, he still can do it somehow, a part of him doesn't want to repeat stories.

When he was with Phil, Dan let his heart run free, but at some point, he couldn't ignore the reality that was in front of him anymore, so he distanced himself of all those things even if it scared him to do so; it felt necessary at that time.

Suddenly, Dan remembered that letter that Phil sent him once, a few weeks after Dan broke up with him. Dan never opened the envelope; he just let the letter rest in a box that he hasn't opened since two months ago, and maybe now was the time to find the courage to do it, so he did.

Dan:

I know that it's going to take you a while to read this, and maybe when you do, you will realise that pretending that us didn't happen is something useless; you were the one that kept talking about that need to live your truth, after all.

We were something that maybe it was against everything that someone tried to establish once, but who says that we can't keep going? The law? The Universe? I remember a conversation that we once had, and you said that you were against all of that, what changed?

What can I say? That you lost a friend and all those plans that I imagined us having? I would be lying if I ever said that because I know that if you ever dared to call, I will make new plans and find new places where we can be ourselves without worrying of anybody else.

I don't know how long it has been since I wrote this when you're reading this, but please call me anyways if you want to. There are things that I want to talk, like the fact that I don't care if we're soulmates or not; besides, you always say that you don't have a soul.

-Phil.

Dan grabbed his phone, marking that number that he was avoiding for months.

"Hi, it's me."