#this post was brought to you by alex and billy

[iambic-stan]

Concertina

Writing this story was very therapeutic for me. I hope someone else, cardiophile or otherwise, can get some comfort and reassurance out of it, too.

"I'm not policing what you think and dream," was the lyric I fixated on, though it was only the first verse of the song.  Every explanation of the song "Concertina" I'd read contradicted my own interpretation.  Wasn't it mostly a song about feeling bold enough to be strange, even if it was frightening?  There was applause in the bar when I finished, and made me feel like the risk of a new track selection had paid off.  Tori clapped with the most vigor, as she usually does.

"Girl, who sang that one?" she asked, noting that it was different from my usual selections like Stevie Nicks and Pat Benetar.  I stared at her drink, something with pineapple and gin if I recalled, with this hypnotic red-orange-yellow ombre effect.  Without taking my eyes off of it, I said, "It was a Tori Amos song.  Not a big hit or anything though.  You share a name," I said, lightly touching her shoulder, "You should sing something of hers one night."

"Not if the DJ has anything Taylor," she laughed.  It was fair.  Tori loved to sing Taylor Swift at karaoke, just like how she loved to talk about Gaylor theories, analyze her lyrics, speculate about what her various IG and Tumblr posts might foretell, and scour Stubhub and every other possible site for the least-bankrupting concert tickets.  I was just along for the ride, though I had a couple of her albums at home myself.

"Ok, do something from Lover," I suggested.  

"I don't know.  What if all they have is "YNTCD?" she whined, abbreviating Taylor's divisive LGBTQ anthem from 2019, one that I happened to enjoy despite any criticism.  

"I know you like it, and maybe I'm being a terrible Swiftie, but isn't she just trying to hijack our trauma and claim it as hers?  *Unless* she is gay but didn't want to say so explicitly in the song.  It's great that she gave so many queer people screen time.  I didn't even know who Billy Porter was until I saw the video.  But then again, why did she make it about resolving her beef with Katy Perry?  That was so random.  Anyway, I'll see what I can do...for you, Elena."  She ran her hand down my arm and then squeezed my hand for a second.  She's drunk, I thought, but I appreciated the affection.  Her hand was soft and it felt right--sensual without the suggestion of something more.  I wouldn't want anything more.  

Well, that wasn't entirely true.  I had come to feel at home with Tori over the past year--my first close friend since college who also happened to be queer.  I had lingered longer when hugging her, and since she knew I was asexual, I didn't think she ever took anything the "wrong" way.  At home I had a bright magenta stethoscope that sat on my nightstand, waiting.  But since I'd never told Tori that 1) I loved heart sounds, 2) loved using stethoscopes, and 3) wanted to use one with her, my stethoscope could have been waiting for Godot.  I had strongly considered putting her (the stethoscope--named Alex for my love of Wizards of Waverly Place) in the living room so that Tori could just happen to notice her while we were watching a movie.  But I played the conversation out in my head and felt mortified with every possible script I wrote.  Still, whenever I pictured her wearing the binaurals and listening to my heart, I felt like skipping through a field of daisies.  It just seemed like I was struggling with level one of a video game while ravenously reading walkthroughs of the battle with the final boss I might never meet.  Not that it was a game to me--my love of heart sounds was and always had been one of the most important things in my life.  It kept me sane and grounded, and most of all, it was how I felt close to someone I cared about.

I felt a bit of envy as I watched her throw her arm around the DJ, whose adorable curly head of hair and petite stature brought to mind Jorgeous from one of my favorite shows--Rupaul's Drag Race.  But I wasn't jealous that Not-Jorgeous was enjoying Tori's affection; I wished I could have that sort of magnetism that drew everyone to me and put them immediately at ease.  Trauma had prevented me from being so gregarious.  I watched as four more karaoke singers ran up to Tori, happy to see a familiar face (she was there every week) and get their expected hug.  No, I didn't necessarily want that much attention, I realized--I only wanted the confidence and grace to be completely open with her.

When I heard the first few sharp, synth-laden notes, I knew exactly what song it was.  Tori was deadly serious in her delivery and everyone in the bar turned to gaze at this tall, striking woman who would almost look imposing if her face weren't so soft and kind.  "Combat, I'm ready for combat," she sang, and I was shocked that the DJ would have this track from Taylor's Lover album that we could agree on.  In a moment of accountability that Taylor-haters never acknowledge, the singer tells us she's been "the archer" and "the prey," and feared her propensity for causing hurt as well as her own crippling wounds might make her difficult to live with.  As Tori deftly crescendoed her way into the bridge (I had been given numerous lectures on her distinctive bridges), I felt like my heart beat louder as well.  Suddenly embarrassed, I turned away and stepped onto the bar's patio, my long wrap skirt catching a doorknob in my haste.  I pulled it out and turned to look at the wisteria still bright near sundown and the brick water feature with the goldfish.  There was a couple in the corner deep in conversation, voices so hushed I couldn't make out a single word. That was my last drink, I thought, staring at the crescent moon and the smattering of stars I could see in spite of light pollution.  I felt too much; why didn't alcohol make me numb like it did everyone else?

"Hey, did you like it?" I heard her say behind me.  I turned and saw the sheepish grin on her face.

"Oh, it was beautiful!" I exclaimed.  "I was just out here getting some air is all."  

"I was thinking about what you said last week."  She came closer and put her arms around me as she said it.  My head landed near her chest, and I could almost hear something if it weren't for her thick jacket.  I let myself fall into her embrace.  "I think it would be exciting, actually.  I want to do it.  I've never done that with anyone before," she continued.

I racked my brain and tried to remember what she could be talking about, slowly recalling that I'd had 3 cocktails and 2 shots last week.  There were a few portions of my last karaoke night that I didn't recall at all.  "Wait, what are you talking about?"

She looked at me, her eyes crinkled a little.  Gently, she pushed my hair out of my face.  "You're such a silly drunk and you don't remember any of it," she said, shaking her head.  "You surprised the hell out of me by talking about having a stethoscope and wanting to listen to my heartbeat.  And that you wanted me to listen to your heartbeat.  And I was speechless because that seemed like such a weird, random thing to say.  But then I thought about it and I'm really curious now.  None of my girlfriends ever wanted to do something like that.  Not that you're my girlfriend, but a friend who happens to be a girl, anyway.  I'm down."

I breathed in sharply.  How could I have said all of that without realizing what I was divulging?  My heart was really pounding then, and as if she read my mind, she placed her hand on my chest.  "Oh!" she squeaked, surprised.  "Am I embarrassing you?  Please don't feel that way!  I guess I should've thought you might've forgotten, like that time you went on for like 10 minutes about whether Drag Race All Stars is rigged like you were the only person in the room and had zero recollection of it the next day."  Without really thinking, I quickly placed my hand over hers, holding it fast to my chest.  Her hand so near my heart felt just right somehow.  I closed my eyes and only opened them when she pulled away to check her phone.

"Our Uber is on its way.  I told them to go to your apartment.  Is that ok?  Mine is a mess and Savannah has her boyfriend over, anyway.  He always brings that cheap, stinky weed.  Plus, we could watch more Babylon 5.  I want to see if the praying mantis thing is a 'legitimate businessman' ha."

The N'Grath reference made me smile.  "That sounds great," I almost slur, grinning like an idiot.

Mollie, my dachshund, is almost wider than she is long, so it's a struggle for her to make it up to the couch to properly greet Tori when she comes over.  This night was no different.  "She doesn't even eat that much," I said for probably the twentieth time.  "It's like she just has the worst possible metabolism, poor babe."  I stroked under her chin.

The DVD was loaded, and with the confidence that only alcohol could summon in me, I'd stealthily transferred Alex from my bedroom to the coffee table in the living room while Tori was in the bathroom.  When she emerged, she smiled all big and plopped back down on the couch.  My voice boomed in my head when I picked up the stethoscope and said, "This is Alex.  She was named for Alex Russo, you know, when I was younger.  Well, not that much younger.  But still.  Yes, I know it was a kids' show," I say shyly, wondering why I can't shut up.

Tori laughed and picked her up, turning the chestpiece around over and over again to switch from diaphragm to bell, hearing that satisfying click each time.  "She doubles as a fidget toy, I see," she said.  "Oh what's that?" I had to follow her gaze because I was staring at her chest (not her breasts--give me some credit) rising and falling and could barely think of anything else.  She picked up a pill bottle from the coffee table, one that I usually put away when someone is over out of an overabundance of caution. But I hadn't realized we were both coming back here tonight.  "Spiro?" she asked.  "I used to take that, like in my 20s when my acne was a lot worse.  What do you take it for?" she asked innocently.

I looked up at her, struck dumb and wordless.  We both stared in silence for a few seconds too long, and that was when it dawned on me.  Elena, she doesn't know, you moron.  You're about to ask her to do something intimate and she doesn't know.  Does it matter?  Maybe, maybe not.  I sighed.  This was not the way I wanted her to find out.  What if she changed her mind, decided I'm not one of her girl friends after all?  What if she declared this some kind of "trick"?  What if she got mad, felt betrayed, and blabbed all over social media?  What if it got out at work?  This wasn't something to play with, I realized, and it made me feel like I was suffocating suddenly, imagining all the worst case scenarios. They flicked through my brain rapidly, like someone pressing the lever on one of those retro viewfinders at lightning speed, taking in all of the little thumbnails in a blur.  I gasped and then deliberately began to breathe in and out very slowly and evenly.  I grabbed the arm of the couch as if I was falling.

"Oh my god, I am so sorry.  You don't have to answer that.  It's none of my business," she insisted apologetically.  I could tell she was uncomfortable.  I had made her uncomfortable.  But it didn't feel like there was any escaping it now.  The mood had changed dramatically, all thanks to my reaction to her question, and as much as I yearned for her to listen to my heart and had pictured it many times in the last few months, it was pounding because I was terrified.  She put Alex down on the couch, where Mollie reached over to lick her eartips, and took my hand.  "What's wrong?" she whispered.

I looked up at her and it felt like someone else's voice when I choked out, "I'm trans."  Her brow furrowed.  When she didn't respond right away, I added, in a whispered rush, "I grew up a boy.  I mean I'm not one.  I never was.  I thought you knew.  That's what the prescription is for."  I exhaled loudly, then realized I'd been staring at the floor and not facing Tori.  She let my hand go, almost in slow-motion, and she looked at my body as though she was seeing it for the first time.  Oh god, I winced.  Please don't look for masculine things.  

"I'm such an idiot," she finally said, almost inaudibly.  I stared in horror as she said,  "Why didn't I know?!?"  

I felt my mouth go dry.  My voice was hoarse.  "It's not like I wanted everyone to know," I said.  "It's not like I want to lose my job."

"Oh, Elena!" she exclaimed.  "You weren't thinking it would make a difference, were you?"  When I didn't respond, she wrapped her arms tightly around me, and tears flooded my vision.  "You're one of my best friends.  You're my only friend who will go with me to karaoke, for one," she laughed.  "You're the only person besides my mom who listened to me carry on about my undying devotion to Amari, even after the third time she fucking cheated.  Not my finest moment, but that woman had a hold on me."  I inadvertently let out a snort, remembering her beautiful but treacherous ex. 

She kept one arm around me and reached again for Alex.  "She's probably got Mollie slobber on her now," I pointed out.

"Ha, I'm not worried about it," Tori said.  I watched her insert the ear tips, thinking she had a 50/50 chance of putting them in correctly, and she managed it.  There was something transformative about her wearing the binaurals, and it dried my tears to see it.  She was only about ten years my senior, but in that moment I felt like the child I was always meant to be--one who was free to play how I wanted, with whatever toys I wanted, and just be who I was without being called names I didn't even understand.  She was the older, wiser one who could really see me.  I was safe.  She unfastened just the top button of my shirt and I looked at her face as I could feel the coolness of the metal circle on my skin.

A minute passed, then another, and they were brief but filled with knowing that she could hear me so well.  "That's so cool," she said softly.  "It was fast at first and now it's slow and steady.  I kind of feel like...I know you in a new way," she smiled and looked at my face before looking back down at the instrument.  I felt so happy I thought I could cry again.  She moved the chestpiece around--left and right and center, then between my breasts.  "It sounds different in different areas," she observed.  "Like, the first sound is louder in some places and the second is louder in others."

"You're listening near a different valve each time," I whispered, thrilled that she heard those nuances that most ordinary people don't seem attuned to.  She nodded, the look on her face one of wonder.  I breathed along with her for another few minutes while she listened, and it felt like the sort of connection I only dreamed of feeling, knowing that most people don't "get" this.  I felt almost reborn, and completely satiated. 

When it was my turn to listen, I tried to push past my reservations and self-doubt.  "Is it ok if I put this under your shirt?" I asked tentatively, pointing while holding the chestpiece.  

"Girl, yes!" she practically sputtered.  "After all the poking around I just did?  It's only fair," she laughed.

Mollie jumped up to grab and lick my hand as I moved to place the stethoscope on Tori's chest, and we both had to stop what we were doing to laugh.  When I slipped it underneath her blouse, the sound was clear and strong.  She watched my eyes as I breathed in several systoles and diastoles and it made her smile.  First, I listened for the semilunar valves--aortic and pulmonic, then, gaining confidence in what could have been an uncomfortable endeavor, moved downward to listen properly at the atrioventricular valves--tricuspid and mitral.  Tori leaned forward so I could easily access these different auscultation points.  I stayed at each one for awhile, trying to commit this sound to memory in case we never did this again.  When I was finished, she said, "Wow, that was kind of a vulnerable feeling but not in a bad way."

"You sounded so, so beautiful," I told her softly, and was pleased when that display of raw emotions didn't elicit a raised eyebrow.  This wasn't a night I'd forget anytime soon.

Thanks so much for reading! If you're able and would like to, click here to donate to the Trans Lifeline, a hotline that provides life-saving assistance to trans people, staffed by trans people.

[sparklepocalypse]

Happy Wednesday, and thank you thank you to @eusuntgratie, @orchidscript, @duchessdepolignaca03, @thesleepyskipper, and @onthewaytosomewhere for the tags today!

Today I have for you another snippet from chapter 1 of my @aroyallybigbangrwrb fic, Meet Me on the Other Side, in which bounty hunter Alex pursues runaway Prince Henry through 19th century South Texas.

Snippet and a few tags behind the jump! Open tag for the rest of you because it's pretty late and I never know who's actually participated in these things. (Content warning: mention of period and Alex's profession-typical knife violence.)

Madam Holleran is a petite woman about his age with a head of thick, curly hair and a shrewd glint in her eye. She takes better care of her whores than any brothel owner in a hundred miles, and they take care of her and one another. It’s a peculiar little family, and on a superficial level, it might seem like the only thing they all have in common is their ability to please a man, but Alex knows better. There’s love here; everyone here looks after what and who is theirs. “Take a load off,” she offers, gesturing at a chair opposite hers. “Thank you, ma’am,” Alex replies, setting his hat on a table nearby. “You know that makes me feel like a little old granny,” she chides, shaking her head. “You agreed you’d call me Nora in closed quarters.” Alex tilts his head in acknowledgment. “Never know who might be listening in with a glass to the door,” he says a little louder than strictly necessary. Right on cue, he hears a soft snicker and a scuffle of footsteps quickly retreating down the hall. “Now that Billie’s headed off, thank you, Nora.” He grins and fiddles with the end of his gun belt, running his thumb over the edge of the embossed leather. Nora takes a sip of something that might be tea or whiskey, but regardless, she’s poured it into a delicate-looking bone china cup. “How’d you know?” she asks, looking tickled. “Caught her last time,” Alex admits. “Told her I’d let it go once, but if she did it again, I’d make sure you cottoned on.” ”Well, consider me cottoned,” she chuckles. She gives him an assessing once-over and puts her hand on a sheet of paper that’s face-down on the table. “You all healed up from that last score? I won’t have you gallivanting off with a knife wound in your side.” “Not even a scab,” he confirms. He’d taken a hunting knife to the ribs from a fugitive he’d brought in to the federal marshals, but the stubborn cuss’d had bad aim, and the blade had glanced off bone instead of puncturing a lung. “Neat scar, though. Couple of your folks think it makes me look rugged.”   “You pay them to say that,” she says flatly. ”Who’s to say they asked for money?” Alex counters, waggling a brow.

And now for a random assortment of tags because again, it's late and I don't want to impose on people who are, y'know... sleeping. So @priincebutt, @cha-melodius, @kiwiana-writes, @whimsymanaged, @anincompletelist, @firenati0n, @ninzied, @anchoredarchangel, @nocoastposts, @inexplicablymine, and anyone else who sees this post, show me whatchoo got! You know, if you want.

[frost-queen]

Black rose in a sea of red (Reader x Jerry Baynard)

Requested by: @alicethewriterandfangirl , Forever tag:@missmelodramatic, @merlin-dahlia, @alex--awesome--22, @elllie-does-the-posts, @floatlosers, @merlieve, @queen-of-books, @glimmering-darling-dolly@denkisclown, @wildieflower, @meyocoko, @bubblybrianna, @justanothercoco@subjecta13-thefangirl, @m-rae23, @harleyquinnswifeyfrfr, @swampthing07, @melsunshine, @panhoeofmanyfandoms, @venomsvl, @the-uncoordinated-house-cat, @rosecentury,  @imagines-by-her,  @evilcr0ne, @vviolynn

Summary: TW! Selfharm! You are upset of how your friends have such amazing lives while yours is terrible. Coming from a bad home, your coping behavior is self harm. Struggling with the idea of wanting to end it all, is Jerry there to save you from doing so.

The chattering died away when Miss Stacy settled everyone down. Specifically Anne who was proclaiming her opinion as loud as she could. Almost standing on the table to declare her words. Diana was tugging at her dress to pull her to sit. – “Miss Cuthbert if you please.” – Miss Stacy said giving her a stern glare. Anne chuckled settling down. Ruby was still whispering to Tillie. With one look of Miss Stacy pressed Ruby her lips together with force. Billy snorting across the classroom at how silly she looked.

Miss Stacy cleared her throat letting his chuckle die. When finally the peace had settled clasped Miss Stacy her hands together. – “I hope you all brought your assignments that I handed out last week.” – she started. Anne who was always eager already set her basket on the table, ready to show it to Miss Stacy. Miss Stacy smiled politely ushering her to wait. – “You may all set it on the table if you please.” – she continued giving the signal.

Everyone ducked down to reach in their baskets to set their work of art on the table. You felt uneasy taking out your artwork. Glancing to the side you saw Charlie’s piece of art. Billy and Paul laughing loud. – “Is that an aardvark?” – Billy joked laughing his ass off. Charlie groaned. – “No! It’s a dog.” – he mumbled setting his hand under his chin, pushing his artwork closer to his chest. Gilbert turned around in his seat looking at Billy’s work.

“Is that a self-portrait?” – he said snarky. Billy mimicked a childish laugh, annoyed by his words. – “Well yeah yours…” – Billy got a bit up to look at Gilbert’s work. Gilbert moved aside on purpose for him to see. – “Well yours… yours…” – Billy said trying to find an insult. Gilbert was smiling beyond himself when Billy couldn’t find something bad to say about it. – “I thought so.” – he said turning back around silencing Billy.

Paul laughed loud at how Gilbert had left Billy speechless. Across back by the girls was Anne proudly showing her masterpiece to everyone. – “Did you do this stitching?” – Diana asked pointing at it. Anne shook her head. – “No, Marilla helped me.” – she then pointed at some paint work. – “This is Matthew’s work, and this weird thing was added by Jerry.” – she finished pointing at a wobbly thing at the top. Diana held her art up. – “My mother helped as well. She painted the flowers.” – she commented.

Ruby got up waving her hand in between them for attention. – “My mother helped too! She did this, this, and this.” – she said pointing at several things in different angles. – “What did you do?” – Tillie replied as it appeared Ruby’s mother did everything herself. – “I did this.” – Ruby answered annoyed pointing at her name written in the corner. Diana rolled her eyes at how silly she was.

Seeing their work you rather wanted to crush it or throw it out of the window. Compared to their, yours seemed like it was made by a child. Also hearing them speak so lovingly about how their parents helped out felt like a punch in your gut. It was something you could only dream off, having a loving mother. Your mother didn’t help in your project. You dared ask her one time. That didn’t end well.

You got yelled at for ruining her moment and annoying her with silliness. Looking at your art again of paper mâché you noticed the dent of where your father had stepped on it. On purpose or accident. It didn’t really much as it had ruined it much. Seeing your friends talk so godly about their parents made you want to cry, pull your hair out and scream your lungs out. Ruby and Tillie turned around to you.

“Let me see yours Y/n.” – Ruby spoke as Diana and Anne looked over them. You pulled it closer to your chest, shaking your head. – “It’s…it’s terrible.” – insisting on it. – “Come show us Y/n.” – Tillie said pulling at your hand. You really didn’t want to show her, finding it unworthy. Ruby helped her to pull your hand away. Tillie then snatched it from you. – “Hey!” – you called out catching the attention of some boys across and Miss Stacy who waited to see where this was going.

Tillie held it up before her looking at it with a questioning brow. – “Did your mother help out?” – Ruby asked probably not meaning anything with it. She was always this innocent and naïve, yet it struck a nerve with you. – “No!” – you called out snatching the art from Tillie back. You then it on the ground setting your foot hard on it. Everyone gasped loud at your little act. – “Y/n!” – Miss Stacy called out concerned. You let your fingers brush automatically over your inner arm, knowing of the scars lingering there.

“Brute.” – one of Billy’s friends called out. Miss Stacy shushing him immediately. Miss Stacy approached you, kneeling gently down to pick up your crushed work of art. – “We can still mend this.” – she said with a warm smile. You shook your head. – “It is broken!” – you answered. Just like yourself. Turning your face away from her, you felt ashamed.

Ashamed and unworthy. Truly wondering what the exact point of you was. Not one of them here knowing a darn thing about your family. They had no idea with their wonderous lives, living like princesses. While you crawled through the gutter with no way out. Consistently surrounded by darkness. The only way out of the sinking was the carving. The marks on your inner arms that helped you coped with it.

Miss Stacy reached up to take your hand. The second she had your hand, you pulled it away. Needing to escape you took a run for it. – “Y/n.” – Miss Stacy called out as some jumped up. Gilbert being one of them. He wanted to run after you as Miss Stacy held him back by his shoulder. – “Let us give her a moment in solitude.” – Miss Stacy said sensing you didn’t want any company at this moment. – “But…” – Gilbert started seeing Miss Stacy shake her head.

He sighed deep, slouching his shoulders. He returned to his seat. Miss Stacy set your artwork on her desk, seeing how sloppy it was once your foot had tackled it. You ran frantically into the woods away from the school. Unable to cope with it. The sugary of your friends biting like sour in your flesh. Their life was something you could never achieve. Not with the home situation you have now.

A mother and father who barely looked at you. A brother who tackled you whenever he pleased. All the workload put on you. Treated like dirt by your own family. Never once said an ‘I love you’ or ‘thank you.’ Maybe this was just how things were meant to be. Unloved. Panting loud you kept running coming into different parts of the woods.

Jerry was whistling loud, carrying a sack over his shoulder. He had come back from the market, making his way back to Green Gables. Something caught his sudden attention as he noticed it was you. – “Y/n!” – Jerry shouted happily waving your way. He frowned when you didn’t seem to see him. Simply running past. Jerry lowered his sack questionable. Why weren’t you at school? Why were you running away? Was everything alright?

Feeling a bit worried he picked up his sack again, going after you. Near a shack crashed you down; out of breath. Leaning against the wood you let your head fall back. Still panting till your breathing steadied. Then the thoughts came. Those dark thoughts that always pushed you to the edge. You already know what to do. Reaching in your pocket, you pulled out a sharp object. Then slowly pulling your sleeves up. Scars of old on your flesh.

Those dark thoughts became louder as it made you bring the tip of the sharpness to your wrist. Tears rolled down your cheek as your hand trembled. It would take one impulsive thought for you to bleed. Bleed till your life would slip away. Why shouldn’t you do it? What good was there in this life? There was no one to pull you out so it was easier to just accept it and be rid of this hell.

Gently setting the tip deeper onto your skin, your sight got blurrier from your tears. – “No!” – you suddenly heard startling you so hard, the tip had pressed deeper into your skin. A single drop of blood forming. Jerry rushed over to you, grabbing the sharp thing from your grip, and throwing it as far away from him. – “Don’t you dare!” – he breathed out.

“Don’t you even think about it!” – he said a bit firmer kneeling down in front of you. Grabbing your shoulders, he pulled you close to his chest for a hug. – “Find hope in the hopeless.” – he told you. – “I don’t know what made you do it, but please don’t. I don’t want to lose you… I don’t.” – he embraced you tighter fighting the urge to cry himself. – “Please Y/n…” – he whispered out as you started crying louder.

In the brink of almost doing it was Jerry there to pull you out. – “We’ll figure it out together. I am fighting for you, and I don’t want you to give up.” – wrapping your arms around him, you hugged back. – “Jerry…” – you cried out. Jerry simply held you, no needing an explanation. Just holding you. In that moment where he knew you needed to be seen, heard and loved.

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Read more of my fics on my Masterlists!  

[just-sarah--things]

Its my first time posting for WIP Wednesday! Thanks to @priincebutt for the tag! This is from the newest thing floating in my head. Hoping to post by next week! Let me know what you think! Thanks for stopping by!

Everything had finally been moved into the brownstone, and all that was left was to start unpacking boxes. Ellen had even brought over some boxes he had left when he had moved out of the White House. It was late that night but neither boy could sleep too excited to be in a space of their own, no interruptions just them. Alex could currently be found laying on the floor with David while Henry paced around the room strategically placing Knick knacks around the room. Before Alex knew it Henry had pulled out a box labeled “Alex White House” and started fingering through it. ”what’s that Alex asks.” With curiosity  “it was one of the boxes Ellen brought over.” ”we don’t need to go through this. It’s been in that box for years it can just stay in the box.” Alex states but Henry doesn’t stop. ”What’s this.” Henry asks pulling out a letter addressed to him. “Ummm a letter I wrote you when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you but when everything was so uncertain. I need to write some of my feelings down, I was in one of my funks and listening to older music. Probably Billy Joel or something.” In all reality Alex remembers that day like it was 30 seconds ago.

I will leave tags open for anyone who still wants to post! Thanks all!

[yr-obedt-cicero]

did the hamkiddys have any nicknames?

I could have sworn I answered a question like this once before, but I can't seem to find it anymore so oh well.

In many letters, Hamilton and Elizabeth fondly refer to their children by many nicknames. Like “lambs”, “little ones”, and a few like “my darling boy/son” or “my sweet/dear daughter”. But as for individual ones and some outside the family;

Philip - the first - was more commonly referred to by his full name, but he had the nickname “Phil”;

“My Best Respects wait on Mrs. Hamilton. I kiss Phil, and the Young lady. Adieu Your affectionate friend Lafayette”

(source — Marquis de Lafayette to Alexander Hamilton, [April 13, 1785])

“On a Bed without curtains lay poor Phil, pale and languid, his rolling, distorted eye balls darting forth the flashes of delirium—on one side of him on the same bed lay his agonized father—on the other his distracted mother.”

(source — Thomas Rathbone to sister from New York [November 21, 1801])

Alexander Jr had the nickname “Alex”, he is sometimes referred to by it in letters between his family; @hamiltonschuylercollection. And also;

“I send you my much esteemed and respected friend a letter where my Servant has I wish brought from Alex.”

(source — Bushrod Washington to Elizabeth Hamilton, [July 29, 1818])

Additionally, his signature was sometimes only spelt as “Alex”;

Letter signed by both Gouverneur Morris Jr. and Alexander Hamilton Jr, March 28, 1864.

John Church had the nickname “Johnny”

William Stephen later went by Billy, according to close friends and the Wisconsin historical society.

Eliza Hamilton Holly was sometimes affectionately called “little Betsey” or “little Eliza” by her father;

“I was quite disappointed and pained, My Dear Eliza, when I found, that the Post of Saturday had brought me no letter from you; especially as I was very anxious to hear of the health of my little Betsey.”

(source — Alexander Hamilton to Elizabeth Hamilton, [January 26, 1800])

“Give Ten Kisses to my sweet little Eliza for me. Accept a thousand sweet embraces for yourself.”

(source — Alexander Hamilton to Elizabeth Hamilton, [February 10, 1800])

And lastly, Philip II was affectionately called “Little Phil” by his family according to Allan McLane.

[purplepanda-marvel-leaks]

PRE-SUPERBOWL Q&A

Q: are you happy?

A: Today is a happy day 😇💖. Thank you for asking💖

Q: Anything about born again having 9 episodes or more?

A: RPK has said DD:BA Season 1 will be 9 episodes and I've heard the same thing. No joke, it was going to be one of my posts but RPK beat me to it Imfao 🤷🏽‍♀️

Q: Alex recently said we have already met Hulkling in the MCU. Do you know who he is?

A: AFAIK Hulking WILL be Teddy Altman, and we haven't met him yet. Maybe a random skrull will be retconned as Teddy? It's no one we met by name.

Q: Is wanda in agathas series

A: She's not in the series, no. I have no information on post credits scenes though.

Q: What Fox movies should I see to understand Deadpool 3 ?

A: X2, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, The Wolverine, Deadpool, Deadpool 2

Q: Any update on Tommy Maximoff? Is he getting ignored? 😭

A: Billy is looking for Tommy.

Q: will wolverine be featured in the trailer at all in any capacity?

A: 1-2 shots.

Q: will both white tigers be in DD BA 👀

A: 👀 👀 👀

Q: It's Deadpool interacting with another hero besides Wolverine on the trailer?

A: He interacts with heroes from Deadpool 1 & 2 Not much interaction with Wolverine

Q: Will Daredevil wear +1 suit in Born Again?

A: Yes he will. (see my latest posts)

Q: Do you believe that 4 movies after DP3 (F4, Cap 4, Blade and Thunderbolts) be good?

A: In order: Yes, Yes, i hope so, YES.

Q: Are we getting a red band trailer of Deadpool 3 today?

A: Yes.

Q: How long exactly is the DP3 teaser?

A: Around 2:30. @Cryptic4KQual on Twitter is accurate asf

Q: Can we expect any MCU/ Fox cameos other than Wolverine in this trailer??

A: 👀

Because you read this far here are some leaks:

DEADPOOL 3:

A sneak peek at BABY POOL! His pacifier has the same logo as Deadpool's belt 🥺 👶🏻

Q: Is the titans movie rumor true?

A: I NEED IT TO BE

Q: will Agatha play a role in the witches road special?

A: Yes.

Q: How is Feige feeling about DP3

A: He has absolute faith in those three

Q: are you able to share anymore details regarding agatha ?

A: Yes, LOTS of Agatha goodies coming your way this year

Q: Do I need to finish Loki S2 to understand DP3

A: You better! PS: The famous elevator will make a cameo in the trailer!

Q: Multiple suits for Murdock in DDBA? Or just the one we saw in set leaks?

A: 👀 👀

Q: Where can we expect to see Oscar Isaac as Moon Knight next in the MCU?

A: We will see Moon Knight multiple times before the next Avengers film. We shall see if it will be Oscar Isaac or not 👀

Q: Word on when Xmen 97 is airing?

A: I was told May/June to line up with Deadpool 3. But CosmicCircus heard March. They're pretty reliable and I honestly hope they're right🤞🏻

Q: do you know anything about how billy and agatha meet?

A: He seeks out Agatha.

Q: What's your song?

My Body is a cage - Boundaries. I've been obsessed with this band for the last few weeks 🤟🏻

Q: What can we expect in trailer of deadpool 3?

A: TVA & a lot of action.

Q: What time will the Deadpool 3 trailer come out??

A: RPK is more than likely to be right

Q: Which upcoming projects are you most looking forward to?

A: Deadpool 3, Eyes Of Wakanda, What If...?, Thunderbolts Friendly Neighborhood: Spider-Man. Oh yeah and Agatha: All Along.

Q: will our version of moon knight be returning from the show?

A: Yes, Oscar Isaac's Moon Knight WILL return. 🌙 🌙

Q: What about tobey in Madame web?

A: No, Tobey will not appear in Madame Web 😭 🕷 🕸

Q: Will the Netflix events be referenced a lot in DDBA?

A: They literally brought back Wilson Bethel's Bullseye 😭 🎯

Q: Best and Worst movie you've ever seen

A: My answers change weekly but current best: EEOAO, Current worst: Death On The Nile

Q: Does kamala have any projects we should be excited for?

A: Marvel Zombies

Q: Why did you skip over my questions? 🫠

A: Sorry? There's a lot of questions here 😭

Q: is there any talk about a scarlet witch solo project?

A: Yes, but JUST talks. Don't forget that Marvel and Feige has been going through a lot of quality control behind-the-scenes.

Q:Will Yelena dress up as the white widow in thunderbolts?

A: Yelena will get a new suit, but it won't be white. It'll be similar to this one.

BREAKING NEWS:

DEADPOOL 3 has been renamed!! 👀 🙌🏼

Q: Wolverine Variants???

A: Many

Q: Is Logan in DP3 the same guy from the Fox films?

A: Yes. They wouldn't have brought back Hugh otherwise.

BREAKING NEWS:

First look at Matthew Macfadyen

in 'DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE'

Q: are you able to share the before and after 90s filter for X-Men 97? What does the filter actually do?

A: It mimics the style of the 90's cartoon on the CG models.

Pre-Filter (left) vs. Post-Filter (right)

Q: Are you the GOAT? 🐐

A: WE are GOATs 🤝 🐐

Q: How would you best describe the animation style for Eyes of Wakanda?

A: I'd say it's more reminiscent of classic Disney Animation in terms of art style! It's quite different from WHAT IF..?

Alright, AMA is finished! My brain is fried Hope you all had a great Super Bowl with WOLVERINE & ASSHOLE

[cornedbread]

What art app you used? And what art style you used?

I use these four programs. Flipaclip for animating; Capcut for editing; Autodesk Sketchbook for illustrating; Pixel Studio for pixel art.

As for why my art looks the way it does, the philosophy for it is, “Modern cartoon design theory + Cartoon logic + Shoujou-Shonen anime aesthetics.”

If you were reffering to who or what influenced me to draw like this, I honestly have no idea ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ This also isn’t the only way I draw, but it’s definitely my most common method. In fact, it’s the only method you see me draw in. The times when I do draw with a different method aren’t made public because they aren’t BBAU related — unless, you’re interested…? Then I could post some of my favourites.

Here’s some character concept sheets for a little more insight into my thinking process. The left side was made in 2021, the right side was made in 2023. As I said, I like utilising modern cartoon design theory. So I make sure each character has at least one recogniseable shape, that way all the designs are very distinct. And then I build on that cartoony exageraated model with some anime aesthetics. Simplified body parts contrasted by detailed clothes, face and hair. (Each of the sheets are made for one character, despite there being two models) You can see this philosophy be brought onto my BBAU drawings aswell. Billy with his short height and blocky hair; Alex with his tall stature, long limbs and bowl cut; Olivia with her giant braids/wolfcut and spiky shirt.

As for backgrounds, I don’t know what my art style phlosophy for it is. Also I don’t have any concept art since I just wing-it and remember all the details from memory. I don’t like neglecting backgrounds, since I see them as an extension of the character or a character themself. Though I will admit, I have cheated by covering the background with a bunch of characters or foreground to hide my lack of effort in designing.

[josiebelladonna]

iron & wine | part two

pairings: james hetfield x original female character | chuck billy x alex skolnick | eric peterson x louie clemente | chuck billy/alex skolnick/james hetfield | eric peterson x original female character | james hetfield x louie clemente

warnings: graphic depictions of violence, non-con

tags: au - royalty, modern royalty, weddings, las vegas , bets & wagers, femme fatale, blood and injury, leather, stripping, body paint, humiliation, revenge, size kink, threesome - m/m/f, power plays, bisexuality, polyamory, references to fear and loathing in las vegas, dead dove: do not eat, inspired by the scarlet letter - nathaniel hawthorne

summary: While at James’ wedding in Vegas, his fiancée shows her true colors to him as well as the royals. When a bet goes horribly wrong, a game ensues (set in the like blood from a stone universe)

word count: 6,546 (for a cumulative total of 11,546)

ao3 link

no idea why i didn’t post this on here yesterday, but hello! and yes, mind the tags, please. i don’t want to hear it.

I stood there in the hallway with the chocolate in hand and my other hand tucked into my trouser pocket, and I glanced about for Ashley and the look on her face. There were so many questions that flowed through my mind at the moment, and one of which consisted of what she had done to my prince back there in the reception hall. I popped the chocolate into my mouth and then I turned my head to the right.

No one was there. She couldn’t have gotten that far, as it wasn’t that big of a chapel, either, and the whole occasion took place within a block or so from the very heart of the Strip. I could see her from clear across the room as well.

I walked on down to the far end of the hallway there: another glimpse about and nothing came into fruition there before me.

I took another bite of chocolate and, as it graced my lips, a pair of hands crossed over my eyes. I held still with my mouth full of chocolate and I had no clue as to how to react right then. The fingers caressed over the bridge of my nose as well as my eyebrows.

I held my breath.

The body pressed up against my back and I could feel a pair of soft breasts against my shoulder blades.

The hands moved off my face and rested upon my shoulders. Ashley peeked around me with a devious smile on her face.

“Boo,” she caught me, and I swallowed down the chocolate and I looked at her with my eyebrows raised up a bit.

“May I ask what you’re doing back here?” I started with a clearing of my throat. She stepped around me all the way, so I had a full view of her body right there before me.

“Oh, just hanging out,” she replied in a singsong voice. “Hanging out like you and your ‘husband’—” She flexed her index and middle fingers at me.

“He really is my husband,” I insisted with a roll of my eyes.

“Oh, please,” she scoffed. “I saw you looking at my legs back there.”

“I was just looking at your shoes,” I cracked to her, complete with a sly little chuckle, but then again, I wondered as to what she was talking about. I only had eyes for Chuck as well as Chuck from Florida and Joey. Three guys. No coochies to be found anywhere. I swallowed at the sheer sight of her: she squinted her eyes at me as she rested her hands upon my shoulders, as if she was about to give me a massage. But then she leaned in closer to my face.

I turned away from her all to head on back to the reception hall and the safety and comfort of Chuck, and I had reached the bottom when she tackled me from behind. I fell face first onto the floor and the cup went flying out towards the door. She clasped her hands onto my shoulders: her perfume caressed over my nose, and she brought her lips close to the side of my face. I wanted to tell her that I was uncomfortable lying on my stomach with her squashed upon my back.

“Don’t make me fuck you,” she whispered into my ear.

“I do want you to fuck me,” I said with a straight face. “I’ve been a bad boy and I want to be fucked so silly.” As the words left my lips, I realized that she was taking my jokes without a pinch of salt to be found.

Ashley rolled me over onto my back and she stripped off her dress.

She loomed over me with her blonde hair streaked down towards my forehead and shoulders. Her lips parted and her tongue slithered out from the inside of her lips like the tongue of a king cobra. I had no idea as to how to speak to her: everything felt dry with me, but I could tell that she was moist as a lake.

“Dominate me...” she begged me. “Mmm, yeah—so good. So dominant and big and strong—”

I pinched my eyes shut as she ground down on me. I was flaccid but warm at the same time. Completely baffled and beside me.

When I opened my eyes, she was still there, complete with a big euphoric look on her face. Her lips parted to where they resembled the very lips in between her legs and her eyebrows raised up all to accentuate the softness of her face.

I could tell that I was getting her off.

In fact, she held onto my bare shaft, and she took a little condom out from in between her breasts, and she slipped it on for me. She tapped the latex-clad head of my dick up against her clit like the needle of a record player.

I slid right in like a big icicle. She ground down on me as if she was churning butter.

I was getting her off and I was doing the bare minimum of the work done.

But then again, there was nothing pleasurable about it for me.

She had got off on my body and yet I barely came for her. Even though Chuck and I had been arranged into a union despite our own soul bonds to other boys, I still came for him. I still gave him a little pearl of precum out of the end of my dick: but I barely shed any tears for her, however.

Ashley flashed me a big, wide grin in the vein of the cover of Duran Duran’s Rio and then she giggled at the sight of my dick right down beneath her. It was the first time I had had sex with protection on, and it was the first time I had had sex with a woman, too.

She then laughed at me.

“You little scoundrel,” she taunted me. “I barely came just now!”

“What?” I demanded.

“Yeah. Look at me—” She leaned back and showed me her pussy. Indeed, she was bright pink, but she had barely moistened up at the feel of me against her clit or even inside of those crinkled little lips. Barely aroused. She went down on me, and yet she faked her way through the whole thing.

I looked down at my body and I sighed through my nose. If I couldn’t get a girl off, what made me think that I could do that for another boy if I met him somewhere down the line.

“For a tough little boy, you sure aren’t that big enough for me,” she taunted me as she peeled the condom off my skin. “You have to be big to get me off.”

“I’m big!” I declared as I took a glance down at my own dick: flaccid and barely aroused as it was, I would say that I was of good size. Yeah, I didn’t have a big fat throbbing cucumber of a manhood, but I still had something there for myself. My skin was smooth and delicate there, and too often, I would wear snug jeans to make myself look bigger than in reality: it helped when I wore snug black jeans, too. They made me look bigger than I did, plus they accentuated my hips and my thighs to top it all off. I made the effort to look and feel good, even if I had never felt it either way before.

“You’re not that big,” she scoffed at me with a little wag of her finger into my face. “You’re too smooth, too, like one of those silicone dildos that come out of the clearance section of the sex store. I want some veins. I want realness.”

She climbed off me and laughed with utmost hysteria. I felt so ugly and so undesirable, but then again... was I in the right way to feel that way? She came onto me.

“Tiny little Jew boy,” she persisted with that sneer over her face. “I can’t believe you can’t let me have it...” She shook her head and backed away from me.

I laid my head back on the floor.

I could not even remember what she had done after that: my memory faded out from view, and I blacked out after the encounter. I couldn’t stop seeing her on the backs of my eyelids. That devilish look plastered across her face. The feel of her body against my own when I didn’t ask for it. The feeling of her body against my own when I never actually told her that I wanted it.

The fact that my jokes came back to bite me right in the ass... then again, was it really my fault? I was joking around with her, and she took them seriously.

“Alex?”

His voice echoed through my mind as if my mind had become a tunnel of sorts.

I rolled my head over the carpet as I struggled to gather myself within my confused body.

“Alex?”

I cracked my eyes open, and through my blurred vision, I recognized those streams of inky black hair as they sprawled down over my face. I could hardly breathe: my hips and my dick all ached from the feeling. I could hardly brush the memory of her flesh from my own.

I blinked a few times before Eric’s whole head and shoulders entered my view all the way.

“Alex? Are you okay? You don’t look so good.”

“I don’t feel good at all,” I confessed to him, and I cleared my throat. He rested his hands on my chest and I shuddered at the feeling.

“Here, let me help you—” He put his hands underneath my shoulders, and he raised me up off the floor. My head spun in circles, and my body ached from the feeling.

“What happened?” he asked me in a kind tone of voice. I looked at him right in the face as he asked me that. My bottom lip trembled. My body shook.

“Hold me,” I pleaded to him. Eric put his arms around me, and I leaned my head into his chest.

“What happened?” he asked me again, that time in a near whisper.

“She threw herself onto me,” I told him in a low voice.

“Who?” he asked me, and he peered straight into my face right then.

“Ashley,” I answered. “James’ bride.”

He gaped at me.

“You’re serious,” he muttered to her.

“Dead serious,” I said. “You know me, Eric—I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“What the fuck, James,” Eric grumbled.

“I don’t want to blame him, though,” I confessed. “It wasn’t his fault, but hers...” I shuddered from the awful feeling. I couldn’t stop thinking about her body against my own. I couldn’t stop the feeling of her skin against my own. Eric put his arms around me even tighter.

I didn’t want to think about it, and yet I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

“Come with me,” he gently coaxed me. He helped me up to my feet, and he never let me go for one second. He guided me back to the reception hall, where Chuck and Louie awaited us.

James and Ashley were nowhere to be found, and I had no desire to face them straight on right then, either. I looked down at my body, at how ugly it was and how it didn’t belong to me at all. It felt so weird to think about, all because it was her who came onto me.

When I took my seat at the table, Chuck rested a hand on my shoulder, and I shuddered at the feeling of his skin on me. The feeling of his skin on me.

There was a part of me that wanted to have revenge on Ashley for doing this to me, but I wanted nothing to do with her anymore after that. But nothing could stop the desire for revenge over her, to reclaim myself, to feel myself once again.

I leaned forward and I cupped my hands up to my face. I pinched my eyes shut.

It almost felt as though I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe at all.

This body was not mine. This body did not belong to me, and it was so ugly to boot. Completely unlovable and unsalvageable.

Chuck lingered right next to me: I could feel his arm around my upper back and his hand pressed onto my shoulder. I almost didn’t want to be touched, but at the same time I wanted nothing but touches. So confusing. So utterly baffling.

I couldn’t fight my body, though. The same was too much to bear that the last thing I could do was fight it any further than that.

I breathed harder as if I had just run a mile.

I lifted my head and I turned for a glimpse over at Chuck right there right next to me with his lips parted ever so slight at me. Those luminous eyes, that long mane of dark, espresso-colored waves down past his shoulders, that sun-kissed skin. Though we had been arranged into our union, I still had my feelings for him, nevertheless. This man was my prince, and I was going to take him to the end of the earth with me.

“Is there anything I can do for you, Alex?” he kindly offered me.

“Get me a new body?” I suggested to him, and he frowned at that.

“Something that can soothe you and keep you intact and at peace with yourself,” he clarified. “Want to take a walk? We are close to the Strip, after all.”

I sighed through my nose. “Yeah, sure, why not.”

I kept my arms folded across my chest as I stood to my feet; I followed Chuck out of the chapel and into the warm, brightly lit early evening. I glanced up at the buildings before us, at the crowns of the casinos and the hotels that resided at the very rim of the Las Vegas Strip itself. One thing that caught my eye was the bright light of the Luxor, bright despite the persistent light of the day around us.

I fixed my shirt collar, and I caressed the skin on my collar bones all the while.

I wanted a shower. I wanted to clean myself off after all of that, especially since she had left me there on the floor and without anything to nourish my body. And yet, when I touched my skin, I could feel the softness inside of there. Maybe it was my body, after all.

“Come on, Alex—” Chuck goaded me across the street, particularly towards the sex shop. The last place I wanted to be was in a place filled with dildos, especially some that resembled to my dick in terms of size and texture, as well as things meant to get your freak on, but Chuck led me away from there instead.

I glanced up to the skyline before us: the point of the Luxor remained within our view every step of the way up the street to the corner.

“Frank Sinatra Drive, Alex,” he declared with a gesture up over our heads.

“This goes into Frank Sinatra Drive,” I told him with a point off to our right. “Right down this way, if I recall correctly.”

“That’s good,” he told me with another gentle pat of my shoulder. “That tells me your memory is doing alright.”

“It could be way better,” I said with a shrug.

The two of us hung that right and we made our way down the street there, towards the overpass and the golf courses there. It would be quite the walk, and it proved to be the noisy one to boot, too. I was happy that that ungodly heat remained off in the distance for all of us there in Las Vegas Valley: it would be another month or so before something as pleasant as this proved to be a chore of sorts. Another month or not, I was happy that we lived in a place like the Bay Area.

As Chuck and I walked along the sidewalk, I paid close attention to the sensations in my feet and my knees, and it moved me in ways that I had never felt before in my life. Never had I been so acutely aware of myself as I did something so innocuous like take a walk and I swear to all that’s holy, I started to see through time. I started to see through time, and I transcended my own body for a moment. But then I returned to earth once again, especially when I accidentally tripped on an upraised part of the sidewalk.

Slightly uprooted, but it was enough for me to catch myself before I completely lost my balance.

Chuck caught me by the arm before I went any further down the sidewalk, and he tugged me back into an upright position.

I ran my fingers through my hair and I gazed on at him.

“Care for a drink?” he offered me.

“After that? No, thanks. Besides, I’m still only eighteen, Chuck.”

“No, I mean, like a glass of root beer or something,” he clarified, and he gestured up the block. There was a little café beyond the overpass, rested there on the side of the street then known as Frank Sinatra Drive, and even from a distance, I made out the sight of the sign in the front window which read something about five-dollar root beer floats and milkshakes.

I did love me a good root beer float and also a milkshake.

A temporary fix to a harsh and immense pain within me, but I yearned for that something sweet, especially there so close to the extravagance that was the Las Vegas Strip.

I took my seat in the booth underneath the bay window on the far side of the room, the window with the view of that edge of the Strip: I spotted the luminous crown of the Luxor between the other few buildings there on the block behind us.

Chuck took his spot right there before me with a glass of water in hand and a smile on his face.

I leaned back a bit, all so I could put my arm up on the ledge behind me.

“Cannot believe she did that to you,” he confessed with a shake of his head. “What was she thinking?”

I shrugged.

“I wish I knew the answer to that,” I told him in a soft voice: I kept one hand extended out before me, complete with my fingers fanned out from my hand.

“How are you holding up?”

I shrugged again. “Slightly better, but that’s not really saying much, though.”

He frowned, and one that I wasn’t used to, either.

“What’s the matter?”

“Where’s your ring?”

I took a second glimpse down at my left ring finger: indeed, my wedding band had gone missing. I had no recollection of ever taking it off before, either.

“I—I don’t know,” I stammered out. I gaped at him, and his mouth dropped open.

“She didn’t,” he quipped.

“She couldn’t have!”

We both gaped at my hand.

“She did!” he said.

“She did! She did! That bitch!” I clenched my fist and the guy at the counter called out Chuck’s name. He ducked over to the counter for our floats: a part of me wished he had gotten us something to eat because there was no way I could stomach the food at the reception. The wave would have to rise again at some point, and I could feel the storm brewing within me at the mere thought of it.

I stirred the spoon inside of the glass: the ice cream was creamy, and the root beer tasted fresh and utterly delicious, and the froth on top had this almost caramel-like glaze to it. It was in fact so good that for a moment, I forgot what had happened prior to then. I gave it a little stir with my spoon, and I cracked a little smile: I glanced up at Chuck across the table from me, who showed me a smile as well.

“These are good,” he remarked.

“They really are,” I said, and I sipped on the straw once again. Chuck peered over the wall behind me all to behold the sight of something there. I glimpsed over the wall myself.

“Here they come,” he told me in a soft, soothing voice.

Indeed, Eric and Louie hurried their way back to us from up the street, as if they were looking for us and they passed the café: the two of them with their collars undone and their pants undone as if they had just returned from a party of some sort.

Chuck stood to his feet, complete with the glass inside of his hand. I turned all the way in the chair for a glance over the top of the wall. The two of them looked so flustered, as if they had been running for quite a while before then. Naturally, I had questions for them.

Once they were right across from the café, Eric glanced about the street first and then he led Louie all the way: it took me a moment to notice that they were holding hands with one another, and my mind immediately flashed on that remark Ashley threw at me about the union between me and Chuck. They reached the side of the café and then they rounded towards the front door.

Louie held a little white piece of paper in one hand, and he handed it over to Chuck in particular. Eric let out a low whistle as he ran his fingers through his smooth inky black hair. They had in fact been running for a long time, after all.

“She lost a bet,” Louie informed us, shocked and slightly mortified.

“What do you mean, she lost a bet?” Chuck demanded as he took the paper from him.

“Ashley lost a bet with her fiancé,” he repeated. “She lost a bet that she had made with him—apparently, they had made a bet to see if she could resist getting down with one of us.”

The two of them glanced over at me, horrified. I rested my hands on my knees and I parted my lips a bit for a bit of a sigh. Nothing could deny the feeling of revenge within me right then.

The desire to dominate her as well as James, all for doing this to me. The desire to reclaim myself, the desire for agency for myself. This body was mine and no girl and her fiancé were going to take it away from me.

“Let’s get him,” Chuck declared to us.

“Him?” Eric asked him. “Why him?”

Chuck glanced over at the counter on the other side of the room, and then he looked back over at me.

“I’ll explain it later,” he clarified. “In private.”

Once our bellies were loaded up with smooth ice cream and root beer, Chuck and I followed Eric and Louie over to the main artery that was Las Vegas Boulevard and that welcome sign right smack in the middle of it. At that point, the night had already begun to blanket itself over the Strip and the lights themselves shone bright, all manner of crown jewels and golden coins there for us, as proper royal crown princes.

“Is there a reason why we’re over here?” I asked Eric and Louie both.

“To give you a little absorption of sorts,” the former told me over the roar of the traffic before us. “Lou and I both think that everyone who turns eighteen must make a pilgrimage to the Las Vegas Strip. It's like a Quinceanera of sorts, but with all the glitz and glamour and freedom. To ride the highest wave known.”

The highest wave. His words rang throughout me as we made our way past the sign and towards the very heart and soul of the strip.

Though night had fallen over us, a part of me wanted to put on my sunglasses and fix my shirt. I was in Vegas, baby: I was the ultimate Vegas boy even if I had no money on my person to spend out on a roulette wheel. Then again, I had my own roulette wheel at the helm, and it came about in the form of Chuck and Eric’s plan.

If we liked to gamble and bring it all to life, then we would be willing to take the gamble, nevertheless.

A little sneak attack on the two of them on their precious day, and one that came in the form of the glittering lights and the pungency of the traffic off to the side. To hand in our poker chips and let the ball roll along the rim of the wheel. To stare at the dealer dead square in the face and beg to him, “hit me” while we have a trio of cards that add up to sixteen.

We walked along a fine line, a fine line that separated sin from impurity. The sight of an empty hell manifested before me, right before my very eyes, and yet I relished every part of it, with every step of the way.

A little game of blackjack as the four of us made our way along the boulevard, the four of us with our hair down around our shoulders and the upper part of our backs. All our bets had been set on black. Souls of black.

It was going to be absolutely worth the gamble the more that we walked, and we reached the rim of the Luxor. We made our way all the way down to the fountains outside of the Bellagio and we figured it would have been best to return to the chapel and ultimately, our hotel rooms.

The four of us had to look our best as we returned to the comfort of our rooms: the last thing I did prior to turning in for the night was take a shower just to remove that dirt from my skin. The dirt of the traffic on the street and the dirt of Ashley having gone down on me without my properly telling her.

This was how dirty boys got clean, and this was how those dirty boys avenged themselves against inane bets on roulette wheels left unspoken.

The morning of the wedding, I awoke to the bright sunlight as it filtered through the filmy curtains onto my bare skin.

I was amazed that I had slept all the way through the night, after what had happened to me. But I awoke that morning with the sunlight crossed over my bare chest and my stomach, and I knew that showtime was upon us following a round of continental breakfast downstairs.

A brush through my inky black hair, especially after the gray sliver at the crown of my head, as if it was my crown jewel. The crown prince, and the prince who dove head-first into the realm of sin. To seek revenge and play the game that had been laid out for me.

The black silk button-up shirt over my body: I had no idea if it was the combination of my own soup with the water there in Vegas, but my skin felt extra soft, especially when I ran my hand down my stomach and onto my waist. Extra soft, and I knew that it had to do with the incident in the hallway.   The black silk hugged the shape of my body as if I was comprised of decadence itself: the richness of red wine, the tempestuous flavor of sin. I had become the darkness out of the desert oasis myself, complete with a sashay of my hips and a sip of the proverbial dirty martini. A dirty dog and a filthy rat, and I was about to bite my way through the wire.

Chuck put on a little black jacket as well as big black leather cowboy boots, which brought a little snicker out of me.

“What?” he asked me as he brushed his hair.

“Nothing,” I said. “It’s just kinda funny how you’re wearing cowboy boots to this whole thing.”

“Why, ‘cause I’m half-Pomo Indian?” he teased me.

“No, no—to be honest, I completely missed that until you pointed that out to me. No, it just seems rather hilarious to me. Chuck is going to be cowboy for a day.”

“We dance at sundown, my prince,” he told me as he adjusted the lapels of his jacket. Without another word, we headed out of the room and made our way downstairs to fetch Eric and Louie.

To go with the cowboy boots, the former had put on a little black Stetson hat and the latter with his little black leather gloves. We not only were going to gamble our way through the whole thing, but we were apparently going to take it all as a stand-off of sorts.

As long as I had my helping of the delicious, sweetest pie known, then I was okay with the whole shtick.

The four of us made our way over to the chapel, where the occasion was already gathering before our very eyes. In fact, there were so many people there that Chuck had difficulty in finding a spot for us right away.

I had more attention focused on finding the back door to the chapel, which I knew would lead me to the hallway to Ashley’s dressing room, followed by James’ little hideaway.

The couple of traditional fucks they were, I knew that they prepared in separate rooms.

We found a spot for ourselves right outside of the parking lot of the chapel, and within range of the sex shop across the street no less. When I ran my fingers through my hair, I knew that I was about to embody everything that that little shop encapsulated, complete with a little drop of poisoned wine to boot.

The four of us strode along the street together, four bandits, four horsemen. I kept my sunglasses on all the way until we reached the front door and signed our names on the guest list. It would be about a couple of hours or so before the nuptials took place: all things were about to fall right into place for us. The four of us gathered at the far end of the front corridor, right outside of the reception room and, as far as I knew, out of earshot of the newlyweds to be, both of whom were nestled up in their dressing rooms.

“I’ll take care of Ashley,” Eric vowed to us in a low voice and with an adjustment of the cowboy hat upon his head. “As far as we know, she cannot resist any kind of temptation of any kind such as this.”

“Yeah, especially if she and her fiancé seem so keen on befouling my prince,” Chuck grumbled as he put his arm around me.

All the while, there was a part of me, deep inside of me, that begged us to show some mercy. Mercy in the form of the demand, “what the hell are we doing?”

But as far as I knew, no one else had seen it happen, and Eric and Lou had found out about the bet and wrote it down. It was the only thing that we had to do, too, or else James and Ashley would have gotten away with it all. Gotten away with going after me, and the reason remained well beyond my own comprehension.

Chuck and I exchanged hugs with Eric before he ducked back towards Ashley’s dressing room down the hall. Louie then turned to us with that stern, stoic expression plastered across his face.

“I’ve got him, don’t worry,” Louie promised to me: he extended a gloved hand to me, and I clasped onto him in return. The smoothest leather, and something that I knew that James wouldn’t be able to overcome for himself.

“I’ll give you the signal once things are ready,” he vowed to us with a wink and an adjustment of his gloves.

Once the two of them had ducked back into those rooms, I turned to Chuck, who adjusted the lapels of his jacket once again.

“Shall we?”

“We shall,” I replied as I lifted my right elbow to him as if to link arms with him.

Indeed, it was a lovely ceremony before the wedding, one filled with delicious, decadent food and a punch bowl: as far as Chuck and I both knew, there was no booze to be found. Strange to me, since Metallica seemed so keen on drinking all the time.

I had finished my first full plate of food when James came running out of the back hallway, complete with sweat beaded across his brow as if he had run a whole mile just then. His face twisted in utter rage, he pointed to me.

“YOU!” he shouted, which in turn made all hundred people in that room stop right in their tracks. “YOU!”

“Me?” I demanded, dumbfounded; and I wondered what had happened back there with Louie. I drank the rest of my root beer before I stood up on my feet. I raised my hands as if about to catch him in his tracks, but he lunged past me to Chuck instead. He sucker-punched him, hard, right between the eyes.

Chuck fell ass over teakettle onto the floor behind us: his legs nearly toppled the table over before me. I lunged for James, and I yanked him right off my prince. Arranged marriage or not, the man was still my prince, and he was my husband: I had to be the good husband and stand up for him.

Furious, James turned to me and grabbed me by the collar. He yanked me into the hallway, all so we were out of sight and out of collective mind.

He tried to throw me against the wall right outside the door, but I kneed him right in the crotch. He let out a wounded yelp but before I could run away, he yanked me back. I was barely shorter than him, but it felt as though he towered over me.

“I’m gonna fuck you so hard,” he growled at me.

“Yeah, sure you will—” I taunted him, and I opened the buttons on my shirt just so he would let go of me. But he never did, even with my shirt open: instead, since he stooped over and held onto his crotch with his other hand, I leapt on top of his back. It was right then I wished that I gained an extra thirty pounds to further subdue him, but I had to make do with what I had in my little body. I pushed him down to the floor.

He wanted to fuck me but now the tables were turned, and I was about to gain revenge.

No one was around and so I peeled off my pants and I slid his trousers down his hips. He rolled over underneath me. But I was on top.

I could look at him dead in the face, the man who had made a bet to see who could treat me like a piece of meat better than the other, as I got down on him from the top. But he laughed at me.

The bastard laughed at me, and I looked down to see my erection out before me.

“I’m huge compared to you,” he sneered at me: the snarl of a lion.

“You may be huge but at least I'll admit it, you bastard,” I retorted back to him.

“Oh, yeah, like you can get me off like Ash can,” he teased me. “Please. At least with her, I can put the cream on her cake the right way. With you, I'd have to put the icing on the cake sideways.” He laughed at that, but I wasn’t close to being done with him, however.

I couldn’t help it: I lunged for him, and I pushed him down onto the hard carpet. At least the carpet was clean.

“Here, Alex, let me help you—”

I glanced up and there was Chuck, with a bump on his forehead but as furious as me.

Both our dicks into James’ mouth. Mine in his mouth followed by Chuck’s hands around his to round out the threesome.

Apparently, Louie had returned to the other dressing room to help Eric with Ashley—apparently, she had this thing where, though he kept the cowboy hat on, it made sense to have a pair of leather gloves in there as well. From what I could recollect, it was Eric’s suggestion to have Lou in there with him, albeit right before she clambered after him from behind.

But it didn’t matter to me at that point, not with my reclaiming myself on the man who did this to me, even with the ache in my back and my knees as well. Chuck was the iron, and I was the wine.   We were gaining revenge, redemption, justice. A tit for tat in the most scrumptious way possible.

“Hey, Alex, you want to take a picture, so we remember this glorious occasion?” Chuck suggested to me as he flicked some of James’ cum off his fingers.

“Let’s,” I said with pride.

I had to scrounge around for a Polaroid camera there in the hallway, but I found it at the far end. I also found a little bottle of what appeared to be some of that washable fabric paint right behind it.

Perfection.

James, delirious and covered in our juices as a means of punishment, was about to have a little more than he had warranted before then with the completion of this paint.

I had thought about painting the demon skull from the cover of The Legacy, and the same skull of which all five of us had tattooed on our arms, but I went with a big letter “A” on his chest instead. That big letter painted in blood red paint, which in turn made me think of the most luscious red wine from the heart of Vegas.

“Hey, Alex, give us some of that,” Louie called out to me from behind. I handed the bottle over to Chuck and he tossed it underhand over to him.

I took two photographs with that camera, one of James and one of Ashley, all for a manner of humiliation. I hoped that they both got off on that because it would be there forever.

I guess, all I could say in response to the whole entire thing was what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. James could deny it all that he wanted, but if this entry is to prove something, it’s that he took a gamble with that woman and then with me, and he’ll have to pay the bank back at some point.

We all have to trade in our poker chips at some point or another, especially when someone like me is involved.

[practically-an-x-man]

Random character asks. Give me one canon and one oc

2, 17, 18, 31

thank you so much bestie!!!

answers under the cut as usual. I ended up kinda bouncing around characters because that was easier.

Random Character Asks

2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on

Okay, I know you said one canon and one OC, but I'm feeling opinionated today and I don't really know how to answer this was an OC anyway.

Alex Summers is not dumb. Lack of education does not mean dumb. A criminal record does not mean dumb. He's quick-witted and can react quickly in a fight - not to mention, in the comics he's actually very intelligent and studies geophysical sciences. I'm tired of people turning him into a stereotypical "bad boy" and completely erasing those other sides of his character.

Billy from 6 Underground is not dumb. ADHD does not mean dumb. He talks fast and bounces from topic to topic, goes off on random side tangents, but he's not stupid. Parkour as a whole requires a lot of snap judgements, and intrinsic knowledge of physics and kinesthetics. Then add that to the fact that he was a thief and had to plan how to steal his target items (and not just himself, a whole crew of people), and there's actually a lot of intellect that goes into his character.

Just in general, I feel like intelligence gets missed when the character isn't "book smart" or formally educated. Just because a character doesn't spout facts and calculations doesn't mean they're dumb. There are so many other characters I could talk about here because it happens a LOT, but that's a separate post.

17. Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them

Obviously I work a lot of music into my fics, but I think Prometheus is the only one where I've made a truly defined playlist (and I don't really collect quotes or read a lot of poems). The song I most associate with them is The Calling by The Amazing Devil, for so many reasons. Here, look at the lyrics:

Back then, I was dauntless And dawn could never know And my weakness made me weep less Than I would ever show you I'd burn so bright it blinded Now I know that light guided me here I walked into the river To wring those embers from my broken heart and broken liver You'll never get your dinner if you don't learn how to get along And a fox somewhere is hiding That light I thought was blinding brought me here I look into the waters and see a face I don't understand We're both unwanted daughters But there's more than water in these autumn hands I look into the waters and see a face I don't recognize Who's this? (Who are you?) "What changed?" I ask "So strange, " she replies Shoulder the sky (I can't wait to show you how much) Open those eyes (I know you can be, just let the rain come) There's a kind (let the rain come down, darling) (Can't you hear it howling?) Of calling, calling

Look at it! The "burning" and "embers", all the fire symbolism! And then followed by a reference to the mythological Prometheus, with the "broken liver" bit! And the "looking into the waters" to me represented Prometheus partway through their transformation into a dream, when they look at themself and no longer see Nyx, but don't quite know what they've become yet. It fits them just so perfectly.

And I really like Wolf by First Aid Kit for the Corinthian too (thanks for sharing the song with me bestie, it's become one of my favorites).

18. What they’d go to see a therapist about

Bestie everyone needs so much therapy I don't even know who to talk about here.

Indie definitely needs to work through some PTSD. Even before the war, I think she struggles with it just from her experiences on Corellia, but it definitely gets worse after the final battle and everything that happened there.

I also feel like she and Hux might seek out couple's therapy at some point - not because anything's wrong, but just because they're both used to being alone and might need help learning to adjust to being able to rely on someone else.

31. If they had a tumblr what would it look like?

Out of my OCs, Jasper's the most likely to have a tumblr account. They probably made an account when they were 14-15 and spent way too long designing their blog, but hasn't changed it since then because they got too busy with college and didn't have the time. I don't think they'd have any blog theme, they'd just kinda reblog whatever they felt like.

For canon characters, this is a bit of a shitpost but I think it would be really funny if the Corinthian had a tumblr that was just him posting really vague rants about his boss, where they're juuust enough bizarre detail that you can't tell if it's a real rant or a tumblr-ism. Sort of like the @dreamofthemaidenless blog, I think

[manforsale]

Pov you’re witnessing the consequences of doing 20 projects at once

[daisysliv]

no time to die | superquake

words: 1743

pairing: daisy johnson x kara danvers

summary: in which daisy johnson has to say goodbye to another person she loves

warnings: angst and character death

notes: loosely based on billie eilish's song no time to die. it's not as great as l would prefer but it is one of my favorite fics that I've written so far. it’s not edited so I apologize if there are any mistakes. this was requested by @theparagonofhope1701! I hope you like it </3

library

aos bookshelf

      Rushing down the halls of the DEO, Daisy hurried to find Alex. Tears leaked from her eyes, falling down her cheeks rapidly as she hunted for the woman. She pushed past agents, ignoring their grunts of pain when they hit the wall and their looks of pity.

She didn't have the time to care about that. She needed to get to Kara. She needed to hold her hand.

Entering the hospital wing of the base, she came to a stop at the sight of Alex Danvers crying over her unconscious sister's body as she lay still in a bed, still wearing her super suit. Next to her was an older man she knew to be J’onn, his cheeks were wet with tears. At the foot of the bed stood a smaller man, his colorful shirt tucked into his pants and a tablet held close to his chest; Winn.

The three of them surrounded the blonde Kryptonian, none of them noticing the presence of the inhuman from another universe. Daisy glanced at the woman in the bed, her body trembling.

“Alex?” She whimpered, her voice strained. The agent looked up, her eyes becoming wide at the sight of the inhuman. Daisy brought a hand up to wipe at her face but it was no use, the tears wouldn't stop.

She watched Alex squeeze her sister's hand before moving towards Daisy, immediately wrapping her in a tight hug. “Daisy, I didn't think you'd make it in time.”

“I… I left immediately after Coulson called me.” Her arms wrapped tightly around the DEO agent.

Daisy Johnson had been in the middle of a mission on her earth with her team at Shield when she had received a call from a worried Coulson telling her that something happened to Kara and she could drop the mission to go to her. It was a no-brainer to abandon her post and travel through the multiverse to get to her girlfriend.

Nothing else mattered but Kara.

“Come on,” Alex backs up, taking hold of Daisy’s hand and bringing her to the superhero's bedside.

“What… uh what happened?”

“She had gone ahead of us during a mission to stop Lex and we didn't… we did-didn’t know he had kryptonite charged weapons that were set to go off when she arrived,” Winn answered. “She got hit with every one of them at once. Her screams…”

Daisy nearly collapsed.

“No amount of yellow sun can... can heal her. It was too much.” J’onn’s voice cracked. The emotional display he made caught her off guard, she had never seen him like this before. “We thought... We wanted you here... to say your last goodbyes," He said. 

“Goodbyes? Are you telling me... that... she won't live?” Her heart shattered into pieces, the pieces falling to her stomach. 

“I'm sorry,” J’onn hung his head and exited the med bay. Winn walked up to the inhuman, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder before he took his leave. Daisy looked over at the agent, whose eyes were rimmed red and puffy. Shaking her head, Daisy gripped the hand of her girlfriend, fresh tears brimming in her eyes.

She couldn't die. She just couldn't. 

Daisy was so lost when they met and Kara helped her get through it. She was her best friend, her rock, her everything. 

“Alex, there has to be something we can do.” 

“We tried everything we could, Dais. Believe me, I want nothing more than to save her—she's my sister but we can't. It's no use.” 

“What about Argo? Can't we take her there?” 

The agent shook her head. 

“It won't… Winn contacted her mom and it won't save her. It’ll just speed up the process.” Alex looked at her sister, her eyes watching her chest barely move. “Speaking of her mom, she's on her way and will be here in a few hours.” 

“Clark?” 

“Him too. Called everybody after we reached Coulson.” 

The inhuman nodded and turned her attention back to Kara. Her hold on her girlfriend’s hand tightened. 

“We have to do something.” 

“We can’t. Trust me, I wish there was but we can’t. All we can do is say our goodbyes for right now.” Alex sniffled. 

No, no, no. Daisy shook her head rapidly. She was Kara Danvers—Supergirl, there was no way that she was dying. It wasn’t possible. 

“I’ve lost too many people… I don’t know what I’d do if I added her to the list. Alex, I can’t lose her. It’s not time.” 

“I know, I know. But we tried every possible angle… We don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to lose her any more than you do. She’s my sister, my best friend, and losing her would be like losing half of me. I’m sure you feel that way too but you need… You have to trust that I have thought of and tried everything I could.” Alex wiped at her eyes, her voice breaking the more she spoke. “You should say your goodbyes before everyone else gets here. There’s only so much… so much time left.” 

“Alex, please. There has to be something.” Daisy begs once more. 

“There is nothing! If there was, do you think I’d be standing here telling you there is nothing to be done to save my baby sister?! Daisy, I love her as much as you but I can’t… We can’t save her so just stop, please.” 

The inhuman stares at the DEO agent, her tears finally coming to a stop as she thinks of her next words. 

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to-”

“I know. I’ll come back when everyone else arrives, alright?” 

Daisy nods and takes a seat in the chair on the side of Kara’s bed. She waits a few moments for the older Danvers sister to leave before a sob forced its way out from the back of her throat. She wipes under her nose, getting rid of the snot that leaked from her nose.

Stay the hell away from that girl… wherever she goes, death follows. Those words have been playing on repeat since the moment she arrived in National City. Lumley and the Kree were proven right yet again. Everyone she gets close to and starts to love dies on her. She was cursed. 

She’s been cursed since the moment she was born. 

Daisy sniffed and picked up Kara’s hand, holding it close to her lips, and placed her fingers on her pulse. It was faint but it was there. 

“Hey, love. Been a while since I’ve seen you and I’m sorry for that. Coulson had me on so many back-to-back missions and it looks like you’ve been pretty busy here too. God, I should’ve made more time for you. I’m so sorry, Kara. I was planning to come to surprise you in a couple of days but I guess you beat me to it.” She laughed through another sob. “This isn’t how I imagined seeing you again after three months. I imagined surprising you at your loft when you came home from work, doesn’t matter which job. I imagined greeting you with a kiss and pot-stickers and pizza.” 

Daisy lifted her eyes to Kara’s face, taking in all her features. “I can’t lose you so please… please come back. I need you to come back but if you don’t… I won’t be mad at you, love. I’ll learn to live without you but that doesn’t mean I want to. I don’t want our last memory together to be of me leaving after that fight. I want our last memory to be a happy one and… this isn’t it. You mean so much to me and the idea of losing you is killing me so come back. ” A knock on the door drew Daisy’s attention away from her girlfriend. 

Alex stood there with Eliza, Clark, and Kara’s mother, Alura, behind her. It was time for them to say their goodbyes. 

“I love you with everything I am and I’ll love you forever. I’m not sure of a lot of things but that is one thing I am sure of. I’d do anything for five more minutes,” Standing up, Daisy leaned down and pressed her lips to Kara’s forehead.  “I gotta go now. Everyone else is waiting to say goodbye,”

Daisy stared at their hands, committing her touch to memory before she let go and never felt it again. Her fingers were still on her pulse and she could feel it slowly coming to a stop.

Upon realizing she could never hear Kara's voice again or feel her warmth, Daisy's heart sank in sadness. The adorable crease between her brows that she gets when she's stressed or the way the sun reflects off her eyes, making them shine a brighter shade of blue, would be hidden from her forever. Or how her eyes appear like comets when she is sad because of the tears she hasn't shed. After today, Daisy would never see the scrunch of her nose when she laughs again. 

She will never be able to see Kara's face again once her heart stops. Not being able to make new memories with the woman she loved would break her. 

Although she would recover, it would take a lifetime. "I love you, Kara." Daisy looks at her girlfriend one last time as she exits the med bay, letting Clark and Alura enter, rushing to  Kara’s side.

The second Daisy felt the warm air of the command center, her legs gave out and she sank to the floor. Alex and Eliza were quick to drop to the floor beside her, engulfing her in a tight hug. She felt Eliza place a kiss on the top of her head causing her another sob to tear from her throat. 

She doesn’t know how long they sat there like that before the only sound that could be heard in her ears was the flatline tone of the heart monitor. 

She was gone. Kara was actually gone. 

“N-no! Kara, please!” Alura shouted through her sobs. Pushing herself out of the Danvers women’s hold, she rushed into the room, stopping a couple of feet from the bed. Alura looked up and her gaze softened. “Oh, honey. Come here,” 

She ran into her arms, and they both cried until their throats hurt. Clark’s tears silently rolled down his cheeks as he stood behind them.

Soon, everyone surrounded Kara's lifeless body and wished they had more time.

notes: if you would like to request something from the prompt list, you can find it here, just be sure to add the numbers and if its angst or fluff! if you want to request something that is not on the list, go right ahead and send in the ask!

add yourself to my taglist!

PERMANENT TAGLIST ( if its crossed out that means i couldn't tag you )

@prettylittlemoonlight @drayshadow

MCU TAGLIST ( includes Agents of Shield )

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DAISY JOHNSON TAGLIST

@lelefirmino @imapotatao @captainquakc @fitzsimmons-4-life

[frost-queen]

Game over // part 6 (Sister!Reader x Billy Hargrove)

Requested part by: @glxwingrxse Forever tag: @missmelodramatic, @theletterhart, @alex--awesome--22, @elllie-does-the-posts, @floatlosers, @merlieve, @queen-of-books, @glimmering-darling-dolly, @denkisclown, @wildieflower, @meyocoko, @bubblybrianna, @justanothercoco, @idkwhatmyusernam,  @subjecta13-thefangirl  Tag post: @rosemarycupcake42, @batty-bets (can’t find your tag), @tamayakii, @eddiemunson17, @minaxcarter (can’t find your tag), @enchantedinfinity, @roxanne-ragnvindr, @hornedcat2768, @simp4natasha (can’t find your tag), @squishypachi  @seajae, @kiriki45 (can’t find your tag), @gengen64, @chloe-skywalker, @randomstory56, @mrs-hargrove, @lookatmyproblems​

Summary: On the road it might be a good time to bond as brother and sister. Certainly now your dad is nowhere to be around <for now ;)>

Read part 1 & part 2 & part 3 & part 4 & part 5

You sat on the hood of the car. The sun warming up your face as you leaned back. Around you, you heard little kids laugh and shout loudly, running around. The loud honking of a car made you sit up straight. An uneasy feeling crept up as you dared to slowly turn your head to the sound. Whispering please don’t be him. Please don’t be him. With one eye closed you exposed yourself to the car behind you. A deep sigh of relieve left your mouth as your muscles untensed. It was not his car. He wasn’t here. He hadn’t found you. 

A little kid ran up to the car waving goodbye to his friends. He got in the car as a moment later they drove off. You shook your hands wanting the stress to leave your body. You focused your attention back to the front, seeing your brother stand in line to the ice cream truck. He had his arms crossed tapping his foot impatiently. You could tell from a distance that he was agitated by the little kids in front of him who could not choose. Funny how Billy managed to keep his cool. Perhaps he had changed fully. The old Billy would’ve given them a piece of his mind. Probably ending up slapping their ice out of their hands.

Finally it was his turn as he exhaled long. Billy ordered four ice creams. You furrowed your brows when he came back to the car. – “That hungry?” – you asked with a soft laugh. Billy turned his head ashamed away. – “I…I realized I didn’t know your favorite flavor, so I ordered one of each.” – he confessed clearly bothered with himself. You accepted two cones with a smile. – “I actually don’t know which is my favorite so…” – you said seeing his face brighten up. He actually didn’t mess it up. You licked at one ice cream letting the sweet flavor stick on your tongue. 

Billy came sitting on the hood with you, biting in his ice cream. It made you raise your eyebrow at how quickly he ate his ice cream by biting. He picked up that something about his actions kept your attention. – “What?” – he asked with a mouth full of vanilla ice. You laughed loud. Billy gritted his teeth as he felt his grip tighten around the cone. – “You are so funny.” – you responded making him widen his eyes a bit. He swallowed nervously, looking down. No one ever found him funny. They always feared him or ran away. No one told him he was funny. It was kind of nice. He untensed his grip on the cone before it would break, chuckling. You were licking on two ice creams one at a time. Mixing flavors in your mouth.

Billy stared dumbfound at you when you stuck your tongue out to him. Stripes of pink and brown mixed together. It took him a moment to understand what you wanted. He sighed moving his left hand over the other. You brought your mouth closer to his ice, taking a bite from it. Billy stared down at his ice cream, seeing your teeth marks in it. You laughed loud, ice almost dripping down your throat. Billy loosened up, chuckling as he saw bite marks on his other ice as well. You had copied his way of eating ice cream just to be funny. 

You continued to lick both your cones as Billy had bitten all the way down to the cone. He didn’t start on the cone as that was the dullest part of ice cream. When your ice creams were done offered, he you the remaining ice cream. With your hands full, bit you down it. – “Y/n!” – Billy called out. – “Use your Goddamn hands!” – he added shoving the cone closer to you. You presented him with the cones in your hands, swallowing the ice. He sighed taking the cones from you so that you could take his. Billy hopped off the hood, heading over to a bin. By the bin, took he a keen eye on the parking lot. He let his eyes go over every parked car, looking for that one car. It wasn’t among them to his relief. If your dad would find you here, it would sure be hell.

He'd drag you by your ears back and hit Billy so hard he’d end up hospitalized or dead. Running away from home was easy but staying out of the clear was another challenge. Someone could alert him and send him racing over. Billy returned to the car as you were eating the cone. – “Get in!” – he ordered, nudging your knee. You hopped off the hood, opening the door. You got in the car with your brother. He drove off leaving the parking lot for what it was. Back on the road drove he without any clear destination in mind. 

Just riding around Hawkins to stay out of your dad’s hands. You lowered the window, needing some fresh air. Sitting in the car surely stirred up your stomach. Specially after eating three ice creams. You moved your hands over your stomach feeling it ache. Billy took a turn as your body leaned against the middle, feeling your stomach tumble. – “Billy…” – you said concerned, holding your stomach tighter. Billy adverted his gaze from the road to you. His eyes widened at the sudden color drained from your face. – “What’s up with you?” – he asked loudly, switching between the road and you. 

You groaned in pain, feeling dizzy. – “My stomach hurts…” – you whined out as your face flinched at the pain. – “Are you kidding me?” – he answered rudely. He shook his head with a scoff, rubbing his thumb against his lip. – “You just had to eat the third one, didn’t you?” – he called out, passing around a slow car. He swung the car back in lane as your stomach twisted and turned. You felt awful as if any minute you could throw up. – “You are the one that bought four ice creams!” – you screamed back wanting him to stop being such a dick. Billy’s nostrils widened as he inhaled sharply.

You sunk back in your seat, letting your head lean against the frame. He glared rudely at you as suddenly his gaze softened. He touched your forehead feeling that you had warmed up a bit. He exhaled long using the blinkers to go left. – “I’ll stop by the pharmacy.” – he said slowing down his speed. You nodded trying your very best to keep everything inside. He drove on the parking, parking close to the building. He got out of the car as you followed with much effort. Feeling absolutely miserable dragged you behind him. The doors swished open as Billy walked in. 

He went straight to the counter pushing a lady aside who was about to approach it. – “I need medicine!” – Billy ordered, laying his hand on the counter. You shuffled closer to him, your hand resting on your stomach. The clerk behind the counter gaped at him. – “You’ll have to be more specific than that.” – he answered as it made Billy clench his hand into a fist on the counter. – “Something for her stomach!” – he said pointing at you. The clerk looked over the counter to you. – “Do you need something for diarrhea, indigestion, motion sickness or a painkiller?” – he listed as Billy was visibly confused. – “I don’t know! You are the expert!” – he shouted ready to grab the clerk by his shirt. – “I ate too much ice cream…” – you said with weak knees. The clerk lifted his finger up, turning around. You shuffled closer to Billy moving your hand in his.

“Billy.” – you cried when he flinched at your hand in his. Out of instinct wanted he to pull it away, but after a second thought tightened, he his grip around your hand. – “Hurry up!” – Billy called out, thinking he was taking his time. The clerk returned with a medicine. – “This should do it.” – he said as Billy took the medicine from him. He threw some money on the counter, heading back outside with you. He stormed back to the car, opening the door. He insisted you sat down as he checked the medicine box. – “Billy.” – you begged, holding your hand out. – “Just a second Y/n.” – he answered wanting to be sure it was right for you. 

He knelt down, giving you the box. You took out a pill, taking it. Now you just had to wait for it to work. You exhaled relieved, leaning back in the seat. Billy felt your temperature with his bare hand. He waited till you were a bit out of the clear. He drove back slowly not wanting to stir your stomach too much. You had bundled up against the door, your eyes closed. Driving out of the busy town noticed he that you had fallen asleep. Billy looked over his shoulder to the backseat. Moving his hand back, he tried to reach for his jeans jacket. He got it after a few attempts, moving it to the front. He laid his jacket over you, pulling at every edge till it had you covered well enough. He lowered the volume of the radio wanting to give you a peaceful sleep.

You awoke hours later slowly getting up. The sun had started to set. Billy’s jacket slid off you when you rose. You looked around confused as the car was empty. You smiled relieved when you saw Billy smoke not far from the car. He sat down at a picnic bench in the middle of nowhere. You opened the car door, already feeling better. You walked over to your brother coming to sit beside him. Billy threw his cigarette on the ground, twisting it under his shoe. – “How are you feeling?” – he asked folding his hands together. 

“Better.” – you answered leaning up to his shoulder. Billy straightened his back, sliding his arm around you. – “Good…” – he mumbled. – “Are we going to spend the night here?” – you questioned. Billy sighed deep. – “I don’t know…maybe…” – he replied, letting his fingers brush through your hair. You took a piece of his shirt between your fingers, feeling the fabric. – “Do you think he’s searching for us?” – Billy knew immediately who you meant. – “You don’t have to worry about him anymore Y/n. I’ll make sure he’ll never finds you.” – he said with a soft exhale. 

You moved your arms around him, hugging him from the side. – “I love you, Billy.” – you confessed. It has been a long time since you’ve said it. You used to say it frequently when you were younger, and your mom was still around. You stopped saying it as it didn’t seem to have any meaning. Certainly not towards your brother as he hadn’t been showing you any love then.

Billy took a deep breath as you felt his chest rise. He blinked rapidly feeling tears form. It felt liberating hearing those words. Almost like the chains around his heart had been broken. Billy moved his arms around you, pulling you closer to him. He leaned down, kissing the top of your head. Letting his lips rest there for a moment to allow himself affection. 

Finally he understood what was worth fighting for. You, his little sister. Billy drove the car to a drive-in since you had a little hunger. He ordered you a burger and fries with your favorite soda. You happily ate, not caring if you lived like this. Billy drove to an unknown place where he was certain no one would come looking. You had moved to the backseat, laying down to sleep. Billy had his arms crossed, looking at the darkened sky. 

Looking over his shoulder, smiled he faintly at the sight of you. – “I promise you Y/n.” – he said low not wanting to wake you. – “I promise I’ll take care of you. I won’t stop until we have a place of our own where you’ll never, ever have to feel scared again.” – he watched you sleep peacefully. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. When he opened his eyes, felt he the need to speak. I love you Y/n.

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Read more of my fics on my Masterlists!

[evak-fic-rec-turtleanon]

SKAM Reactions

I found new reactors to season 3 and watching it brought back all the excitement I felt watching Skam. Decided to make a list 🤷🏽‍♀️ These are the ones I’ve watched (that I can remember). 

Videos may have been deleted due to copyright so you might not find all the episodes on their channel. 

The first reactor I watched. The one that started it all for me:

Billy Maier - SKAM Playlist 

More under the cut: 

Corey Schultz - s3 ep1 

*Could not find newcomplex videos. I loved her reactions 😞

JayPerView - SKAM Playlist  His alternate channel where he reuploaded videos. : Alex Chris - SKAM Playlist

ky nicole - SKAM Playlist 

Maria Rodriguez - SKAM Playlist 

failwhale34 - SKAM Playlist 

The Normies - SKAM Playlist 

AniCrunch - SKAM Playlist 

TheTrophyMuncher - SKAM Playlist - There was some scandal relating to this dude fyi 

t a l a l - SKAM Playlist 

eve react - SKAM Playlist 

Just Arvin - SKAM Playlist 

demomorg - SKAM Playlist - I think a bunch of his videos are not updated on the playlist so you gotta look through his channel or search for em. 

Felicia zoe - She doesn’t have reactions for individual episodes. It’s all combined. She’s Malaysian! Video 1, Video 2, Video 3 

Joakim Kleven - His reaction with Ulrikke Falch! 

Watch What Happens Next - s1 ep1 

Bonus tumblr post: 

Eva/Isak ship 

[aion-rsa]

A Clockwork Orange at 50: Malcolm McDowell Revisits Kubrick’s Film

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“I think I’ve always been my own kind of person, and you know sometimes to my detriment,” says Malcolm McDowell, chatting to Den of Geek via Zoom, 50 years after the release of A Clockwork Orange.

“I’ve never really played the Hollywood card, I’m not really an insider, that’s just not my thing. And I like to be able to say no. And that’s it.That’s not probably a politically correct thing to do. However, too bad. I’m still here 50 years later.”

McDowell is talking to us from LA, his accent a soft mix of Yorkshire, where he grew up, and California where he has resided for much of his professional life. He is funny and charismatic, with a hint of the mischievous, he says people still find him “a little intimidating” – traits which he brought out in spades for his breakout roles, first as rebellious school boy Mick Travis in Lindsay Anderson’s If… and then as violent delinquent Alex Delarge in Stanley Kubrick’s bold, blistering and controversial satire A Clockwork Orange.

Watching it today it seems hard to believe the movie is 50 years old – it’s lost none of its power. Set in a futuristic dystopian Britain, McDowell plays gang leader Alex, who with his band of ‘droogs’, gets high on ‘milk plus’ and commits a horrible home invasion and rape, and later a murder. Apprehended by the police, Alex agrees to participate in a new kind of aversion therapy which makes him physically unable to commit crimes, causing pain and nausea at the very thought, in exchange for a reduced sentence.

Alex is robbed of freewill, becoming the Clockwork Orange – an organic thing with a machine inside – of the title. It’s a movie of big themes, of totalitarian governments controlling citizens and left wing dissidents exploiting individuals, it’s a discussion of goodness and evil, of youth and authority, which is visually striking and often shockingly so. And to many it’s a masterpiece.

Kubrick’s film is an adaptation of the novel by Anthony Burgess, which like the movie uses a language Burgess called Nadsat (from the Russian suffix meaning ‘teen’) – a mix of Russian, English and Cockney rhyming slang. 

McDowell recalls his first meeting with Kubrick which took place at Kubrick’s house in Boreham Wood, during McDowell’s lunch hour filming Bryan Forbes’ Long Ago, Tomorrow. Kubrick said he’d seen If.. four or five times and it had made a big impression on him.

“We had a very nice chat but he didn’t mention anything and at the end I said ‘Well, I’ve got to get back to work. Was there anything you wanted to talk to me about in particular?’ And I could see his discomfort, at having to actually tell me that, yeah, he was thinking of making this book into a movie. And anyway, he begrudgingly gave me the title, gave me a copy of the book and told me to read it and call him,” McDowell smiles.

He describes the book as “a damn difficult read on the first go” but by the third go he was convinced. “I read it and I went, Holy crap, what a part! Oh geez!”

No kidding. Alex is front and centre of the entire film, he’s the narrator and charged with delivering difficult lines about ‘ultraviolence’, ‘weepy young devotchkas’ and how the treatment is affecting his ‘gulliver’.

Burgess was a linguist and his decision to make a new hybrid youth slang was a practical one. He wanted the youths in this world to feel ‘other’ and separate from the grown ups but felt if he’d chosen to use contemporary slang that the book would date quickly. It was a shrewd move that Kubrick stuck to, helping the film have a sense of timelessness.

Then there were the iconic costumes worn by Alex and his droogs – removed from any particular era of fashion they were simple but immediately intimidating. The look came about via a moment of serendipity between McDowell and Kubrick when Kubrick asked his star what he had in mind for the costume himself. 

“I said ‘Futuristic, I don’t know!’” McDowell laughs. “He goes, ‘What have you got?’  I went ‘What have I got? I mean I’ve got jeans and a T-shirt and I’ve got my cricket gear in the car’. He goes, ‘We’ll put it on. And then ‘What’s this?’ I went, ‘Well, that’s the protector’. He said ‘Wear it on the outside’. And that’s the iconic costume, right there, boom.”

McDowell says he had around six months of prep time where he got to know Kubrick really well, where Kubrick grew to trust him which he describes as being really fun. That trust between the two was important – McDowell had heavy lifting to do physically, including the indelible scenes of the ‘Ludovico technique’ which saw his eyelids pinned back (he scratched a cornea) and the humiliation scene, after his conversion, (he cracked several ribs). McDowell plays this down, “Most of the time it was fun to do. I had a couple of injuries but they weren’t life threatening. They were fairly painful, but it was really a small price to pay.”

On a rewatch these moments still standout, though there are others too – an extended sequence where Alex is being drowned in a trough by his former friends knocks the breath out of you. 

“To be honest with you, it’s a complete cheat,” says McDowell of the scene. “There’s one cut right at the beginning. That water was cold and they coloured it with Bovril. I mean can you imagine beef extract? It stank to high heaven, it was absolutely like shit! And it was cold because we shot it I think in November. So they couldn’t heat the water because it steamed. I could only literally last three to five seconds before I had to come up for air. And so he put a tank of oxygen in there with a mouthpiece, and I spent my time trying to find the mouthpiece, which was bobbing around. It was harrowing.”

Not to mention he was being beaten with a billy club at the same time. 

“Admittedly, it’s rubber, but it still hurts,” McDowell recalls. “You can still feel it, and you feel like you’re in a nether world, you’re underwater, you’re sort of like drowning, but not quite. It’s a pretty good shot though.”

As well as the language, the soundtrack, the costumes and McDowell’s performance, the movie is also remembered for the controversy surrounding it. Allegations of copycat crimes as well as death threats sent to the director prompted Kubrick to pull the film from UK distribution in 1973, making it difficult to see in Britain until after Kubrick’s death in 1999. McDowell says the withdrawal didn’t especially affect him at the time, since he was in another country filming, and the movie had already been shown for a year. “It wasn’t like he pulled it at the height of its success so people couldn’t see it.”

Though it remains tough to watch in part, McDowell says younger audiences seem more comfortable with the comedy and satire elements of the film, a strand that was always intended.

“It is a black comedy and that’s how it was made. And I would have to say that that element of it has caught up, and kids when they see the movie now just roar with laughter and that makes my heart sing because that’s what I thought when I made it,” he says. “When it first came out, my god! It was total silence in the cinema, nobody moved out of their seats.”

When we ask McDowell what he hopes new viewers coming to the film today might take from it he’s typically candid: “I really have nothing to say about that. You know they can take whatever they want.” Though he says he thinks it’s amazing that the film is still relevant which he attributes to Burgess’s book even more than Kubrick’s adaptation.

Then after a beat he follows up with an anecdote.

“Well, actually I did go to a screening for the 40th anniversary at the Egyptian, I also gave a bit of a talk. At the end I was walking towards the bathroom and a young kid passed me, and goes ‘Oh my god! Clockwork right?’ I went, ‘Yeah!’ he goes, ‘Which part?’ I went, ‘The old guy’. He goes, ‘The old guy! Oh!’ I went, ‘No! the young guy! It’s 40 years old!’ he went, ‘Oh!’ he didn’t even connect,” McDowell chuckles. “I don’t know what he was smoking.”

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To mark its 50th anniversary, A Clockwork Orange Ultimate Collector’s Edition is now available to own here and includes the feature film on a Ultra HD Blu-ray™ disc in 4K with HDR and a Blu-ray™ disc with the feature film and special features. Fans can also own A Clockwork Orange in 4K Ultra HD via purchase from select digital retailers.

The post A Clockwork Orange at 50: Malcolm McDowell Revisits Kubrick’s Film appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3B9M0du

[thephantomofthe-internet]

My Best Friend’s Wedding

Billy Hargrove x Reader, Steve Harrington x Reader (One Sided), Robin Buckley x OC

Word Count: 7,363

Warnings: Crying, heartbreak, true love!!!!!

Author’s Note: Um...hi. So, I’m back. It’s been awhile. How are you? I’m okay, little nervous to post since my last story flopped really badly, but again I’m confident in this one and that you’ll like this story. I sure do! As always, leave some comments if you like it and criticism if you don’t I like both! I love hearing what you think!

Tag List: @hotstuffhargrove @moonstruckbucky @thechickvic @alex--awesome--22 @lilmissperfectlyimperfect @so-not-hotmess @hawkeyeharrington @sunflowercandie @kaliforniacoastalteens @songforhema @spidey-pal @mickmoon @buckybarneshairpullingkink @baebee35 @myrealloveissleep @allfandomxreader

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Steve Harrington was getting married. What a douchebag thing to do. Marrying the first girl to say that she loved him. You’d been doing that for twenty-one years. And he decided to marry a girl that he hadn’t even introduced to you yet. You’d been his best friend since birth. You couldn’t believe it.

He told you on your winter break. Both of you had only been home for a few days. Steve had gone to Gary to train at their police academy and you’d gone to Indianapolis for college. You both returned home for winter break. You were hoping to enjoy a couple weeks back with your best friend. You’d planned your whole break around it. But you couldn’t even get him to leave the house for ten minutes the first week home. You hadn’t met her yet, but you’d heard her voice when you called. Steve said her name was Cathy. She sounded like she was fifteen. She literally answered the phone by saying ‘yellow?’ like a damn character in Valley Girl. What a fucking joke.

To say you were jealous was an understatement. Steve was your guy. Your best friend. Your one true love. He didn’t know that part yet, but it was obvious. You had the chemistry, you had the mutual attraction, and you had the spark, that bit of electricity Steve had been in search of since you were thirteen. You were it. But there Steve was with Cathy. He brought her to dinner. She was a freshman at Ivy Tech. She was studying nursing. She had mousy brown hair and high cheekbones. She looked like Nancy Wheeler, but with a sweeter, easier going personality. She didn’t know that Steve pissed his pants after seeing Poltergeist. She was everything Steve thought he wanted. He’d be bored of her in five years.

You pouted through that dinner and the rest of the break. Steve barely paid you any mind, he was too busy flashing his hot new soon to be trophy wife around. Her round cut diamond ring on its ugly notched yellow gold band flashing in the sunlight on her pale, milky skin making your blood boil. You just knew he bought her a new ring, his grandmother’s engagement ring was much smaller and classier than what she had on. She made him buy her a new ring. God, what a fucking bitch.

You went back to Indianapolis enraged. You flew through the small towns in your crappy car to get back home. Your roommate, Robin, made it back to your tiny apartment before you did, which meant that Billy Hargrove had his feet up on your coffee table. You let out a beleaguered sigh when you saw the soles of his dirty white tube socks waving to you from atop your psychology textbooks.

“Hargrove, feet off the books. They cost more than you do.” You groaned, dropping your army style duffle bag by your door. Billy chuckled, doing as you asked. You felt his eyes run over you, which you didn’t entirely get the point of. You looked the same, although slightly greasier from your long drive home.

“You don’t know my rates, kid.” He replied, wiggling his eyebrows at you. You rolled your eyes, waving a polite hello to Robin, who was watching the scene with a bemused look from the kitchen. You headed to your bedroom without another word, hoping for solace in the solitude of your private space. You felt like dying the second your knees hit the mattress. He was leaving you.  He was leaving you for a boring brunette named Cathy. He was leaving you for someone who didn’t even laugh at his jokes. The love of your life was marrying someone else. It hit you like running full force into a brick wall. Your brain felt like it was shaking in your skull, your nose crushed into your face as tears began to carve burning streams down your face and your nose turned red and stuffy. You were very aware of the fact that people were in your apartment, that if Robin was home then she’d call Beth and the three of them would probably spark up and would coming knocking on your door soon. But in that moment, you needed to cry. You needed to let go of every ill feeling that had been clogging your chest since Steve had told you of his plan.

You didn’t know how long you’d been in there for, your only sense of time being the markers of when the stereo turned on and off. When you heard a knock on your door, you didn’t move. Whoever was on the other side would just invite themselves in anyway.

“Hey, we’re going to get some food, you coming or-” Billy’s sentence came to an abrupt end when you lifted your face from the pillow, mascara streaking your cheeks. “Oh shit.” He shut the door fast. You both heard Robin yelling from behind the door for him to hurry up, but neither of you moved. Billy didn’t seem quite sure of himself, as if he didn’t know what to do now that he’d closed the door.

“I’m good, go on Hargrove.” You sighed, wiping hard at your damp and warm skin.

Billy didn’t move. “Are you gonna be okay?” he asked quietly.

“Does it look like I’m okay?” you bit back bitterly. You wished he would leave you be. Billy was the last person you wanted to see you cry, much less to be there to comfort you. He wasn’t your damn friend, you hardly knew him. He was just the guy who hung out in your living room and ate your food. He was Robin’s friend, not yours.

“What happened?” he asked, venturing closer to you.

You let out a sigh. Well, at least he wouldn’t tell Steve about this. “Harrington’s getting married.” You replied, your voice cracking. You needed a drink of water or something, crying had truly drained you.

“Isn’t he your age? You can barely drink.” He scoffed. It was almost refreshing. He seemed to not believe it as much as you did.

“Yeah, he is and he’s marrying a near stranger. They’ve only been together like eight months.” Your mouth turned up in a nauseated scowl. Billy watched your lips as they curled up in disgust. He smirked, trying to hold back a bubble of laughter. You looked so genuinely turned off by the thought, it was funny.

“So he’s an idiot. Why cry over him?” Billy asked, sitting down carefully on your bed. You pulled your legs up to your knees, wrapping your arms around them, tucking your chin behind them.

“Because he’s my idiot…” you muttered softly. Billy raised an eyebrow, egging you on. “I love him. I’ve loved him since I was ten years old…”

“Damn…” Billy breathed out.

“I know…” you replied, wiping your eyes on your long grey sleeves.

“You have awful taste.” He said. You gasped, throwing a pillow at his head. It hit with a smack, sending him falling back a bit, his big callused hands sliding back to support himself. You burst out laughing as it hit, you usually had pretty bad aim so you were shocked when it hit. You clasped a hand over your mouth, your eyes crinkling as you tried to hide your glee. Billy rolled his eyes, but his infamous smirk pulled at his lips.

“You don’t know Steve like I do!” you giggled, dodging the pillow as it came back at your head.

“And you don’t know him like I do.” Billy replied. He didn’t actually aim the pillow near your head, he knew he’d hit you square in the head and he didn’t want to hurt you. Your bedroom door flew open and Robin stood in the doorway, adjusting her leather jacket around her shoulders, the hood of her bright red hoodie poking out of the back and over the collar.

“Nerds are you coming with or are you having a sleepover? Beth and I are starving.” She asked, crossing her arms over her chest with a stern expression.   You could see Beth pulling up her long brown hair behind Robin, her emerald green fitted coat buttoned up as high as it would go and her burgundy scarf tucked into it. The weather must have turned on them, the temperature dropping again.

“Geez, yeah gimme a second.” You grabbed your lavender coloured cardigan from its place on the bed next to you and pulling it around yourself as you climbed out of bed. Billy followed behind you, shrugging as Robin raised an eyebrow at him.

From that point on, Billy became your wedding confidant. As the date was set and began to loom closer and closer, he stood by you, listening to you rant about Cathy and Steve and their fucking bliss. You were going to be a bridesmaid, Cathy asked you since Steve’s mother wouldn’t let him make you a groomsman. They were having a June wedding. It was going to happen in Carmel, in the same hall his parents had gotten married in. Steve’s parents were paying for everything, including your awful magenta taffeta nightmare. Billy listened to everything you could come up with, every awful insult you’ve come up with for Cathy. He watched you laugh, you cry, you scream at the sky. For the first time in knowing you, he genuinely felt for you.

In March, you got your invitation to the wedding, along with a note from Cathy. Apparently, all her other bridesmaids had dates and that you should bring a date too, so you wouldn’t be awkward. You wanted to strangle the girl. Billy was sitting on your couch when you walked into your apartment, dropping your heavy book bag on the floor, invitation still held in hand and mouth agape.

“Hey, what’s up?” Billy asked, flicking his gaze away from the magazine in his hands.

You looked up briefly “Shouldn’t you be in class?” Billy was in trade school. He was supposed to be learning to be an electrician. Instead, he had his dirty feet on your coffee table.

“I don’t feel ready yet. What’s that?” he pointed to the eggshell coloured expensive paper in your hands.

“Oh, just my invitation to the Harrington-Bray wedding and a lovely note from the bride herself.” You smirked, kicking off your tennis shoes before joining Billy on the couch. He immediately wrapped an arm around your shoulders and you leaned into him, resting your head on his shoulder.

“What’s she bugging you about now?” he asked, unable to hide the small, satisfied grin that pulled at his lips as you snuggled into him. He was glad that your attention was still on the invitation.

Yeah, he was utterly fucked over you. He wasn’t ashamed to admit it to himself. He would never admit it to anyone else, but he wasn’t going to pretend that he didn’t have feelings for you. He did. Sometime between finding you crying in your bedroom and now, he’d fallen head over feet into a pit of mushy gushy feelings that he hadn’t had to tackle before and he couldn’t escape. Before you, women fell into about three categories: old ladies in charge, women he could fuck, and women he wouldn’t fuck. But you didn’t fit into any category. Well, I mean you fit very neatly into the women he’d fuck category, but you were more than that. He wanted to make you happy, to help you when you’re upset and to harm anyone who hurt you, and to protect you from harm’s way. You felt precious and special to him, something he didn’t quite know how to tackle. So, he ignored it. He hoped you couldn’t feel the way his heart pounded in his chest as he looked over the invitation you held loosely in your right hand.

“Well, Cathy has informed me that all her other bridesmaids have dates and that, to not stand out, I should bring one too. Because wouldn’t it be fucking loopy if I didn’t have a damn date.” You huffed out a breath, crossing your arms over your chest.

Billy paused for a moment. Then, squeezing his eyes shut, he took a risk, his first in months. “I’ll go with you if you need a date.” He said.

You furrowed your brow “Why would you want to go? You hate Steve.” You asked.

“Well, for one thing watching Harrington make the biggest mistake of his life in a monkey suit will be pretty funny.” He said, earning a smack in the chest from you. “And for another, I want to help you out. You need a date, I’m there.”

You picked up your invitation, looking it over sceptically. “Are you sure? I mean it’s in the beginning of June, I don’t want to drag you away from your finals or anything, I don’t know when you’re done school for the year…”

“Yeah, it’s not a big deal, my exams are in a couple weeks anyway.” Billy replied with a shrug. Even if his finals were during that week, he would’ve skipped them to go with you. He wanted, no he needed to be there with you. He didn’t give two shits about Harrington, he could make mistakes whenever, but he had to be there to hold your hand when you needed him to.

“You’re gonna have to wear a monkey suit too you know.” You said with a small smirk.

“Its fine, I think mine still fits from my dad’s funeral.” He replied. You sat up, pulling a pen from the spirals of one of your forgotten notebooks and checked off the ‘plus one’ option on your invitation.

“Chicken or Steak?” you asked, checking off the chicken option for yourself. “Oh and also? You can’t laugh at me in my dumb dress. I got sent pictures of it and it’s bad. It’s really bad.”

“Steak and I won’t. I’ll be too busy laughing at everything else.” He chuckled, earning another smack in the chest from you before you checked off the plus one card Cathy’s expensive invitations had provided.

For the next two months, you did everything you could to ignore Cathy’s calls. She invited you to the bridal shower and the bachelorette party, both of which you refused with the same excuse. Steve called you twice to bitch you out. The third time he called to complain, you actually fought back.

“Y/N, can you please try with Cathy? She’s trying to be nice.” Steve groaned. You were sat on the couch, having forced Robin to turn down the radio so you could actually hear Steve on the other end. She and Beth were just making out anyway; they didn’t need to have it up so loud anyway. Hearing Debbie Gibson on top volume didn’t make anything more romantic.

“I am trying; I’m in her bridal party aren’t I? I’m coming up three days before the wedding to help her get ready. Isn’t that enough?” you tried, twirling the phone cord around your fingers.

“She was really upset that you didn’t come up for her bridal shower or her Bachelorette party.” Steve replied.

“I had exams during her bridal shower and I couldn’t afford to take the time off work for the party. I’m not rich like your families are Steve. I have rent to pay and classes to pass. If I fail, I don’t have a soft place to land like you do Steve.” That wasn’t exactly the kindest thing to say in the moment, but you were tired of this conversation. You felt like you��d been having it for weeks.

“That’s not fair, Y/N, you know that’s not how my life is.” Steve said.

“Oh really? Then why are your parents paying for your whole wedding? Why is your dad holding a job for you at his company? Why is Cathy already invited to the country club with full membership? Why does she spend her breaks at her family’s ski lodge in Aspen? Steve, you’re not as put upon as you like to act. I’m doing everything in my power to be there for you and Cathy, but my life and experiences are different than yours.”

Steve hung up without a reply, effectively ending the conversation there. You hung up the phone with a slam, crossing your arms over your chest. What a fucking jerk! He didn’t have the right to treat you like shit, especially over damn Cathy. You’d been his best friend for over a decade and you’d been trumped by a little skinny Minnie with no tits. A rich bitch with a collection of tennis skirts and preppy pastel blazers to rival Princess Diana herself. She wasn’t supposed to be his best friend, his choice for the rest of his life. That was supposed to be your job. You were supposed to be the person who made him happy, not some country clubber. And yet your place was glowing in the horizon. Behind the holy Cathy, your spotlight dimmed and left behind to wail your song alone under the ghost light. Except your song was bursting from your broken heart.

You wouldn’t stand for being left behind for some bitch named Cathy.

There was only thing to do. It was something you were avoiding doing since you were twelve years old.

Billy came to pick you up for the long journey to Carmel even though he didn’t have to be there until the sixth. You both refused to stay in Hawkins, too many bad memories there. He was staying in the same hotel as you. You were going a couple days early for your dress fitting and to tote Cathy around. But that wasn’t the reason you were nervous sitting in Billy’s leather seats. You had to find Steve once you got there.

Of course, Billy was nervous too. This trip was going to end in heartbreak. You were going to watch the love of your life marry someone else. And Billy was going to watch you cry knowing that he would never hurt you like this. He would sit there and try to not let it show how much it hurt to watch you be in pain. The ride to Hawkins was tense and silent, safe for Billy’s static filled radio switching between talk radio and the hits of the day, depending on what frequency it picked up. Neither of you try to fix it. You both were too anxious to bother.

When you arrived in Carmel, Mrs. Harrington and sweet little Cathy were at your hotel. You were whisked off to your fitting and then lunch in Carmel. You left Billy in the dust that day, forced to grapple with the town that tried to kill him twice and almost succeeded. He spent the day in his hotel room and you spent your day trying to get to Steve.

Day two was a free day, safe for the rehearsal dinner that night, beginning at the church. You were told implicitly to bring your date to the dinner, as Cathy had laid out a spot for you both at the wedding table. There you met her three other bridesmaids, her sister Jessica, her cousin Ellen, and her best friend Kelly. All three of them looked nearly identical, with matching shoulder length hair cuts and pristine white pleated tennis skirts. All their boyfriends looked the same too, with their pastel polos and white padded blazers. They all shook Billy’s hand as if it was dirty. The girls looked at the pair of you like you were white trash.

You didn’t find Steve first, Billy did. The meeting didn’t exactly go well. You’d gone to the bathroom and when you returned Billy and Steve were staring each other down with the same intensity that they did in high school. You parted them quickly, smiling at Steve sympathetically.

“What is he doing here, Y/N?” Steve asked through gritted teeth.

“He’s my date, Steve, he’s a friend of mine.” You replied simply, pushing Billy away as he tried to come back into the situation. Steve scoffed loudly, but turned away without another word. You turned to Billy quickly. “What the hell was that, dude?”

“I just came over to say hello and he got in my face!” Billy cried, pointing at his back as Steve stalked away.

“Can you just keep your chill for a day? Please? For me?” you whispered, squeezing his hand gently.

Billy’s expression softened instantly and he nodded, swallowing hard. “I’ll try.” He said.

“Thank you,” you said “I’m going to try to talk to Steve, hang tight okay?”

Billy nodded and you headed towards where you saw Steve go. He had headed out the main entrance, to where Cathy would be sent when they were ready to begin the rehearsal. You wiped your sweating palms on your royal blue skirt. You took in a deep breath through your nose and pushed open the heavy wooden doors, to find Steve Harrington practically ripping out his hair.

“Steve?” you asked quietly. He turned to look at you, his expression not changing when he saw you.

“You couldn’t have brought anyone else, could you?” he bit out, pulling his hands through his hair one more time before crossing his arms over his chest.

“He asked, I agreed. He’s not the same guy he was here.” You replied, adjusting your purse strap.

“Bullshit,” he chuckled coldly “He’s still the same douche he was a couple years ago. Nobody changes that much.”

“You did.”  Steve went to retort you, but closed his mouth without speaking a word. You pressed on “Robin trusts him, they’re pretty much best friends, and I trust him. He’s been really good to me these past few months. Been my friend while my best friend was missing in action.”

Steve was silent for a moment. “I’ve been busy, Y/N, I had to help plan a wedding.” He muttered.

“And I’m supposed to be my best friend. That doesn’t change when you get a girlfriend. You promised me that, remember? After Wheeler that was our deal. And you broke that with her.” You replied.

“Don’t call Cathy ‘her’. She’s not just some girl.” Steve snapped.

“Why didn’t you introduce me before you got engaged? You had the time, it wasn’t like you just met her. I didn’t even know that you were even seeing anyone seriously.” You replied, matching his tone.

“Because, sometimes a man likes to have his secrets! What, Hargrove over there not keeping anything from you?” Steve cried. The large church doors opened again and revealed Cathy, shuffling in her Mary-Jane’s with a shy expression.

“Honey?” she asked, drawing Steve’s attention and softening his expression instantly “We’re ready to start if you are.”

“Just, give me one second, okay sweetie?” he said, his tone softer and kinder with her. He turned to you with a less than kind expression, nodding for you to head to your group. When you didn’t move, he spoke “You should go with Cathy, go learn your job.”

You left without a word. The rest of the rehearsal went by in a blur. You were put second in line to enter the church, supposedly and were given the role of train fixer before Cathy walked into the church. You were given specific instructions on how to hold your bouquet of yellow roses and baby’s breath in front of you. You went through the walk in and then listened to the pair go over the ceremony with the pastor in charge of marrying them. Supposedly they’d written their own vows. You looked to Billy, who looked utterly bored with the other boyfriends. When the rehearsal ended, you were all told to join the Harrington’s at their home for dinner.

Steve grabbed your arm as you were leaving the church. You hung back without a word as he told Cathy to go on without him. “Look,” he began once his fiancé had passed “I’m sorry I got mad at you. I was out of line. I was just surprised when I saw you and Hargrove together. It weirded me out. But I’m okay now.”

“Look, it’s whatever, you don’t like him and that’s fine. I’m a bit tired, will you apologize to your mom to me? I’m gonna bail on the dinner.” You replied with a small shrug, wrapping your arms around yourself. It was seventy-five degrees outside but you were freezing.

“Are you sure? I don’t think it will be a big deal…” Steve said, his warm hands coming to your bare shoulder, warming your skin and melting your heart.

“Nah,” you chuckled “Besides, you don’t really want Hargrove in your house anyway, right? Just tell your mom we went home.”

Steve laughed “That’s fair,” he released your arm “I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“Duh, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” You elbowed him in the arm before heading off. Billy was watching from the sidewalk, hands shoved in his pockets, eyes trained on the ground. You ran up and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“Let’s blow this pop stand.” You said with a cheeky grin.

“Where’re we going, princess?” he smirked, wrapping an arm around your waist. He usually wouldn’t do that, but then again you didn’t usually wrap yourself around him in public. He took the chance on you pulling away for a moment to hold you.

“Benny’s? If it’s still open, I guess.” You replied. The idea of Benny’s not being open anymore hit you like a truck. How much had Hawkins changed since you left?

Evidently, not that much. The Harrington’s still lived on Pine Street and Benny’s was still open, its owner having been dead for almost seven years. You found yourself in its yellowed dining room, eating greasy burgers and fries while discussing the old days here. You weren’t friends with Billy in high school and you hardly paid him much mind, so all his stories were fresh to you. He told you all about his whoring days and his wild child moments. How he broke into the library to screw around with Diana Krass and denied breaking a window when the police came around. He was the reason the library got security cameras. You nearly died when he told you about catching Melissa Rankers and Caroline Spears writing out someone’s phone number in the boy’s locker room. A ‘For a good time call’ situation. You made him laugh his ass of when you told him it was yours and all the crazy calls you got that year from desperate boys looking for phone sex. He couldn’t top your story about how Tommy Hanson called you after his breakup with Carol and would not believe that you weren’t a phone sex operator. The fact that you knew what his sex noises were disturbed you both. You spent your evening laughing and joking with Billy.

It felt like you were hanging out with Steve. But different. You closed down Benny’s and drove around till almost five in the morning. You barely made it to bed.

You were woken up at ten by your hotel room phone ringing off the hook. Mrs. Harrington, Cathy, Ellen, Jessica, and Kelly were all here in room two thirteen. You had to join them to start getting ready. Apparently, there were mimosas. The call made you feel more exhausted than you felt when you woke up. But you went, grabbing your makeup and the robe the hotel provided, padding over to their room.

The group was rowdy. You were introduced to Cathy’s mother, who hugged you like she meant it. She seemed to have already indulged in a few mimosas before you’d even arrived. You spent your morning mostly drinking and waiting around. They only had one makeup artist and one hair stylist who were styling everyone and no one had decided on how you should look. You ended up looking like a clown, your hair too big and blown out for your face and your makeup hair too bright. And your dress was worse in person. You’d tried it on in the shop, but in natural lighting you got the full picture. Horrid satin and taffeta all the same shade of sickly magenta, with a tulle filled a-line skirt and scratchy puff sleeves and a square neckline. This dress did nothing for your chest and hips, not that your hair and makeup was helping. You pulled a bit of baby’s breath out of your bouquet and tucked it into your up-do. Apparently, you were supposed to bring your own jewellery and hair accessories, so the bit of greenery would have to suffice. You tucked your feet into the matching heels and smoothed your skirt, looking over the other bridesmaids. Jessica looked alright in the dress, but overall all four of you looked a bit like clowns.

And then, Cathy appeared. And she looked just as bad! She seemed thoroughly disappointed, but trying to hide it with a tight lipped smile. Her dress seemed to be modeled on Princess Diana’s, with its off the shoulder cream puff sleeves and sweetheart neckline, but where on Princess Diana it looked royal on Cathy it looked cheap. Her skirt seemed a bit too big to move in and the big bow on the small of her back seemed silly. She didn’t look happy with her dress, but she simply adjusted her veil and fixed her cherry red lipstick, nodding at her reflection. Her mother appeared behind her in a bright purple sparkly number with a matching jacket, complete with shoulder pads. Her eyes were misty. Clearly, this was the most beautiful sight in the world.

Your little group headed downstairs to your town cars and you headed to the church. You hoped Billy had made it to the church on time. You hoped Robin and Beth had made it into town and that no one had stopped them or shunned them for being gay. Most of all, you hoped you could hold it together through this thing.

The ceremony took a long time to start. You contemplated going to find Steve. To tell him how you feel, to convince him to run away. But something kept you right where you stood in the church’s entrance way. You couldn’t do it. You couldn’t ruin his happy day. Steve loved Cathy today. Maybe he wouldn’t tomorrow, in six months, in a year or twenty-but today he loved her. And you wanted him to be happy. So you’d shut your mouth and let him have this. But as the ceremony started and you began your walk up to him at the altar, your heart shattered. In another life, that would be you he was waiting for. But it was Cathy. You couldn’t watch them during the ceremony. You kept your eyes on Billy, who was only watching you. His steely blue eyes on yours kept you calm as tears bubbled in your eyes and emotion clogged your throat.

When it all ended, you rushed to get out of the church. Billy’s arm came around you the second he found you. He let you cry into his white dress shirt and ruin it with your makeup filled tears. He held you till your breathing evened out, then he wiped your cheeks and led you to his car.

“Did Robin make it okay?” you asked, your voice hoarse as you adjusted your skirts. Billy stood holding your door, waiting to shut you into the car. He narrowed his eyes, looking you over the same way he did when he first found you crying over Steve all those months ago.

“Is that really what you’re worried about right now?” he asked.

You smiled, your expression still watery. “No, but it’s what I’d rather think about.” You said. Billy frowned, shutting the door and walking to his own, popping it open and climbing in.

“Yeah, they made it in fine. They sat in the back and, according to Beth, they spent the whole time making fun of Cathy’s butt bow. And your dress.” He explained, turning on the engine.

“I look awful, don’t I?” you asked. You weren’t sure whether to laugh or cry, your mind was all over the place.

“No!” Billy corrected, looking into the rear view as he backed out of his spot before turning out of the parking lot. “You look like a beautiful Kool-Aid man.” You smacked him hard in the shoulder, gasping loudly. Billy laughed at this, looking you over. You really did look beautiful, despite the awful dress. Nothing could muffle your beauty.

“Your makeup…um…it ran a little bit. There are some tissues in the glove compartment…” he added, looking away. You flipped down the mirror to look yourself over. Your tears had carved black stripes down your cheeks, washing away your foundation and destroying your blush and eyeliner. You sighed, popping open the glove compartment and pulled out a handful of tissues, wetting them with your own spit and wiping away the makeup as best you could.

“Oh god, I look awful. I can’t believe I walked around like this.” You groaned, rubbing at the garish pink blush painted like rosacea on your cheeks. That makeup artist had something against you.

“You look fine, don’t worry about it. Cathy looked worse than you, her hair looked like it hurt.” Billy replied as you wiped away the bubblegum pink lipstick from your lips. Billy tried not to watch you and your puffy lips, focusing hard on the road ahead.

“I look better, now that I’m getting this shit off my face.” You replied, focusing on getting the shit brown eye shadow off your lids. Once you toned it down, you felt a bit better. They’d already taken all the pictures they needed outside the church, you didn’t need to keep up appearances now.

Billy pulled into the parking lot of the reception hall and let you out quickly. He offered you his hand before you walked in and you didn’t let it go until dinner was served. Throughout the couples making the rounds to the tables during cocktail hour and the speeches before the meal was served, you squeezed his hand whenever you felt yourself getting emotional, grounding yourself to him and to something safe. You made your rounds to Robin and Beth, who looked much better than you. They laughed at your little ensemble and made you do a full spin to really show off the skirt. They laughed far too hard at you, but Billy didn’t even chuckle. As soon as you were done, his arm came right back around you. Robin and Beth exchanged a look that you couldn’t quite interpret. You returned to your seat when dinner was served and sat through a nauseating round of the newlywed game while they served dessert. Billy made sure to distract you when the questions got too lovey-dovey, cracking jokes in your ear and, when in doubt, covering your ears.

But he couldn’t protect you from the first dance. As it turns out, Jessica fancied herself a singer and was tasked with performing the couple’s song. Steve and Cathy went to the dance floor as the slow piano intro to Elvis Presley’s I Can’t Help Falling in Love with You began to flow through the room. Jessica’s nasal voice took the lead vocals, crooning out the opening lines “Wise men say, only fools rush in. But I can’t help falling in love  with you…” the song was so cliché for the wedding. You tried to mock it to keep away the emotion, but it was all too much. The tears began to fall as Cathy’s head came to Steve’s shoulder.

“Like a river flows, surely to the sea, darling so it goes; something’s were meant to be…”

Billy’s hand squeezed yours. His heart was breaking, watching you try to hold back tears as Steve and Cathy danced in their own blissful bubble. As the chorus came around again, you broke away, rushing to the nearest exit. You both knew that you couldn’t take anymore. Billy followed behind you without a second’s hesitation.

He found you in the lobby, hands crushed to your face. He wrapped his arms around your neck, pulling your back to him. “Oh, please, leave me alone Bill. I need to be alone…” you sobbed.

“I won’t leave out here to cry alone, Y/N, you’re not alone.” He replied, holding you tighter.

“I love him, Billy…” you cried, turning in his arms to press your face into his chest “Why doesn’t he love me?”

“Because…because he’s an idiot, Y/N, any man would be lucky to have you love him.” He replied, petting your hair softly. It felt stiff from hairspray, but he didn’t care. As selfish as it was, this was the best part of his day. Having you hold him like you loved him.

“What does she have that I don’t have? I’ve been there for him his whole life. And suddenly this girl is his whole world. I’ve spent so long trying to maintain a place in his life and this girl can just show up and get a spot without question.” You muttered. That felt selfish to say, but you felt as though you earned a bit of selfish thinking.

“Because Steve lives in his own world. And we just orbit it. But you? You deserve to be someone’s whole world. You deserve to be the first person someone thinks of in the morning and the last thing they think of at night. You deserve all that cheesy shit because you’re worth it.” He said quickly, pulling you away from his chest to look you in the eye. You looked so small and vulnerable in his arms.

“Why am I always trying to love someone who doesn’t give a damn about me?” you chuckled sadly, running your hands up and down the smooth material of Billy’s suit jacket.

In this moment, Billy had a choice. He could go the easy way or the hard way. Billy chose the easy way most of the time, he coasted through life without trying very often for anything. If it didn’t come easy, then he wasn’t going to work to have it. But today, for the first time since he came back the second time, he chose the hard choice.

“Y/N, watching you moon over Harrington is the single hardest thing I have done in my life, that man is an idiot,” Billy said firmly, squeezing your waist slightly to ground himself to the moment.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to burden you with all of this, I-”

“He’s an idiot for not loving you.” Billy cut you off, silencing you with a look. He looked anxious. You’d never seen him anxious before.

“He’s an idiot because you’re so easy to love. I fell in love with you two weeks after I found out about Harrington and I don’t love girls. I don’t. I didn’t think it was in my damn DNA but here you are, with your pretty eyes and your jokes and your smile and I fell for you so fast. And watching you chase after Harrington, cry over Harrington, rant and rave about that damn asshole killed me! Because he’s not worth it! Look, I don’t care if you don’t love me back, you probably don’t, but please move on from him. You deserve the world, not a stupid spot in someone else’s.”

Billy was out of breath when he finished his little speech, staring into your eyes as your tears dried and your mouth fell open.

“Your…you’re in love with me?” you asked slowly. Your mouth felt dry and arid, your heart was pounding loudly in your ears.

“Yeah, shocking I know.” Billy chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. He tried to pull away from you, but you refused to let go. Your hands came up to his cheek, stroking the skin there briefly before placing a feather light kiss on his lips, tentative and slow. You were unsure of yourself, unsure if you were even in the right mind to make this kind of choice, but all your worries melted away when your lips touched. It wasn’t the fireworks Steve had been describing for your entire adolescence, it was safe and comforting. Your heart filled with joy, you worries fell away. Suddenly, without warning, you were home. You were home in his arms and you were home on his lips. You hadn’t felt at home since Steve hugged you goodbye when you made the trek to college. But home wasn’t with Steve anymore, he had his own home with Cathy now. But home could be with Billy.

He pulled away first, pushing you back by your shoulders. “You don’t have to do this, Y/N, it’s okay I understand-”

“Billy,” you silenced him instantly “I don’t kiss anyone unless I want to. I wanted to kiss you. I want to kiss you. Look,” you sighed, scuffing the toe of your ugly wedding shoes  on the linoleum, looking up at him through your lashes. “I don’t know how I feel about anything right now, I’m not certain, but I feel safe with you. I like you. Platonically and romantically.  And all I want is to feel safe with someone. So, can we try?”

Billy looked your face over, his big callused hand coming to your cheek, wiping a stray teardrop from your lower lashes. You nuzzled into the warmth of his palm. He moved his hand to under your chin, pulling your lips to his, kissing you harder and deeper than before, wrapping his free arm around your waist, pulling you flush with him.

This was all he wanted. The moment he dreamed of. Thinking about you made him feel weak, like a pathetic child. But having you in his arms, it made him feel like it was okay to be weak. That he didn’t have to be strong all the time. You made him feel strong, even when he was acting weak and vulnerable. He felt secure with you. That wasn’t a luxury he took for granted.

The kiss awoke the last bit of feeling you were missing with him. Billy was golden haloed, bright like the sun and shining. He was solid and present, a lighthouse in a storm. He was your rock. You hadn’t realized that you’d been clinging to him until he almost disappeared. He didn’t know you like Steve, but that wasn’t a bad thing.

When Billy let you go, the smile that spread across your face was impossible to hide. Billy’s expression matched yours, a genuine smile from a guy who rarely did more than smirk. The look melted your heart even more, turning goo into pure liquid.

“Are you sure?” he asked softly.

“Are you sure? You don’t exactly do this every day.” You countered, smacking him in the chest lightly.

Billy rolled his eyes “Oh shut up, I’m trying here.” You smiled, pressing a chaste kiss to his cheek.

“Come on, let’s go back in before people start asking questions. I don’t want Cathy in my business, she’s so nosey.” You grabbed his hand, squeezing it in yours.

“Oh, total Carol? I heard her and Tommy talking shit in the back about your dress. Want me to beat him up?” Billy replied, following you back into the hall.

You gasped “No!” Billy laughed loudly, shaking his head. The band had started up again and the leader asked for all the lovers in the room to join the bride and groom on the floor. “I just want to dance, alright?” Billy nodded and let you lead him onto the floor. You wrapped yourself in his arms again, placing your head on his chest and listened to his heart beat.

The day wasn’t perfect, and it certainly didn’t end the way you expected it to, but in Billy’s arms, you felt okay with how it went. You weren’t with Steve Harrington, but that wasn’t something to cry over anymore. Billy Hargrove was here to make you feel invincible again.

[noxrose]

How I’d cast the The Lost Boys CW show

I’m going to list my first choice and then other possible good choices for each role. I’ll give a reason for why I picked each one. I did some updates to my original post ;) 

David 

Originally portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland.

My first choice would be  Tommy Martinez. 

He is gorgeous and alluring, but still maintains quite an edge in his roles. He managed to really stand out as a wild and dangerous gang leader on Riverdale. He is currently doing a stellar job playing a super sexy sensitive bisexual artist on Good Trouble. I think he do a great job playing David leading the Lost Boys through all their antics. 

Other options:

Nathaniel Buzolic

He played the extremely smart cunning trickster, Kol on the Vampire Diaries and The Originals. He can also do comedy like he did on the sitcom Significant Mother. He can play charismatic psychopath just looking for fun quite well. That seems like a good fit with David. 

Douglas Booth

He is an actor with range. He’s played Nikki Sixx in The Dirt to Romeo in Romeo and Juliet. He has been in films like Jupiter Ascending and Pride and Prejudiced and Zombies. He’s played lots of characters. I could see him playing David. 

Avan Jogia

He could totally channel David’s intensity and charm like it was nothing! He’s played all kinds of characters in so many things! My favorite was Danny Desai in Twisted. 

Star

Originally portrayed by Jami Gertz. 

My first choice would be Emeraude Toubia.

Star needs to be stunning enough to have caught both David and Michael’s attention and  Emeraude Toubia is one of the most stunning women you’ll ever see! She also displayed some amazing acting skills on the show Shadowhunters as Isabelle Lightwood. Her and Jamie Gertz also have a similar look which is a plus. 

Other options:

Danielle Campbell

She did an amazing job playing a young woman discovering just how powerful she could be on the CW’s The Originals. She could go from scared and vulnerable to a fierce force to be recon with. I think that could work for Star.

Ivana Baquero

She did an splendid job playing Eretria on the Shannara Chronicles. She portrayed her character’s wit, cunning and heart quite well. It seems like a good fit for Star.

Vanessa Morgan

She is an extremely talented actress who has played compelling characters on Finding Carter, The Shannara Chronicles and Riverdale. Each character has been very different from the one to another, but all are done well. A thing all of them have in common is a certain edge and compassion to them. Compassion with a bit of edge is quite like Star. 

Michael Emerson 

Originally portrayed by Jason Patric.

My first pick would be  Alberto Rosende. 

Michael needs to come off sweet, but still capable of being a badass.  Alberto Rosende was able to do that on Shadowhunters with his character, Simon Lewis. Alberto just feels like a great fit with the character of Michael Emerson. 

Other options:

Landon Liboiron

He did a brilliant job playing Peter on Hemlock Grove. Landon knows how to acting out a character’s inner struggles quite effectively. We all know Michael Emerson has a lot of issues with inner struggles. Landon is also good at portraying physical struggles as well. Michael seems to get into a few of those too. He gets bonus points for looking a bit like Jason Patric. 

Jordan Rodrigues

He played the really good and charming character, Matt Tan on The Fosters. He is also a professional dancer. I could see him being a good Michael Emerson.  

Alex Saxon

He has a habit of playing charming good guys with a heart of gold that end up in crazy situations on shows like Finding Carter, The Fosters and Nancy Drew. He also has piercing blue eyes like Michael did in the Lost Boys. 

Dwayne 

Originally portrayed by Billy Wirth. 

My first choice is Booboo Stewart 

He is a brilliant actor and part Native American like Billy Wirth is. Booboo has done a great job playing badass characters like Warpath from X-Men Days Future Past and in American Satan, but has also done very dramatic and dynamic roles like he did in White Frog and The Last Survivors. He was able to show off his dancing skills in Disney’s Descendants movies playing Jay. He just feels like such a perfect fit for the role of Dwayne! 

Other options:

Zach Villa

His character in American Horror Story 1984 gave off such major Dwayne vibes the entire season! He was so good in AHS 1984! His look often reminds me of Billy Wirth, so he gets bonus points for that. 

Martin Sensmeier

He is another Native American actor that I could see playing Dwayne. He did awesome job playing Red Harvest in the Magnificent Seven. He didn’t have ton of lines and often had rely on acting with just his face and body langue. He pulled it off. Dwayne wasn’t a very talkative guy in the Lost Boys. It’d be good if his actor was good at face acting. 

Jade Hassouné

I saw him on Shadowhunters playing Meliorn. He often stole the scenes he was in with just his sheer presence. He didn’t get a ton of lines, but he did some great face acting and he made the most of the few lines he got. I could see him pulling Dwayne off well. 

 Paul

Originally portrayed by Brooke McCrater (RIP).

My first choice is  Machine Gun Kelly for Paul.

If you have seen him in Netflix’s The Dirt playing Tommy Lee, you know why he is PERFECT to play Paul. He completely captured Paul’s wild manic positive and yet some how still chill energy. I could really see him pulling off Paul’s look as well!  He is just perfect for the role! 

Other options:

Thomas Doherty

He was a ton of fun to watch with the manic energy he brought to the role of Harry Hook in Disney’s Descendants series. He could be a fun Paul to watch. 

Marko

Originally played by Alex Winter. 

My first pick for Marko is  Jordan Connor.

He do a good job playing the hot head Sweet Pea on Riverdale. I could see him do a good job channeling Marko’s impish energy! Also, the idea of Marko’s character being the tallest cast member makes me giggle. 

Other options: 

Austin Butler

I could see him having a ball playing the tricky Marko. I’ve seen him play various characters in Arrow, the Shannara Chronicles and the Carrie Diaries. Bonus points form the blonde hair and blue eyes like Marko.