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weirdkpopgirl · 11 months

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Stronger Together | Haechan Fic #2

Title: Stronger Together

Genre: College AU, exes to lovers (sort of)

Warnings: mentions of mental health issues like anxiety and self-harm, bullying. the story gets very emotional

Word Count: 14k

Author's Note: Omg I've been working on this story for way too long. This has been on the backburner of my drive for months. And somebody sent a request, asking me to write something with Haechan where the reader has a hard time being vulnerable with him. So I thought I might as well finish this story since it fits that request? I apologize for how long and cliché it is. I was also heavily influenced by the k-dramas that take place in universities lol. Thank you guys for reading and I really hope you like it ^^

─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─

~ prologue ~

Everything felt like some tragic scene from a romance movie gone wrong. One that left the audience holding their breaths, afraid of what the character’s next move would be. Meeting at a café, the one close to your university. The aroma of fresh coffee filled the air. The dimmed ambiance, as it was no longer daytime. Soft music playing in the background. Then there was you two in the corner of the room. The warm drinks set atop the wooden table remained untouched. The carefree smiles faded gradually.

At last, the silence was broken. When you met his eyes, all the courage you mustered up dispersed. Then the words you never thought you’d hear yourself say fell from your lips.

“Let’s break up.”

The sun receded behind the somber, gray clouds as the storm took hold, leaving behind the absence of the once cherished feelings of warmth and radiance.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter one ~

“Yeonsung University’s Hae-Dal Couple Seen Sharing a Cute Moment Before Class,” Jaemin read aloud to the group.

You held back a grimace when you scrolled through the snapshots, most likely taken behind the school bushes. One of Donghyuck gently removing an eyelash off your cheek. One of you smiling fondly at him. One of him giving you an innocent kiss on the forehead. What began as a quiet exchange with your boyfriend had turned into morning gossip eagerly devoured by the students of Yeonsung.

“We look cute don’t we?” Donghyuck proudly swung an arm around your shoulders. Unlike you, he wasn’t bothered by the post at all.

You shrugged in response. “I guess.”

Maybe you were just being sensitive. At the start of university, you had a lot of goals. Study hard, get good grades, and find a nice internship. Love and leisure? Those were not on the list. Yet somehow Lee Donghyuck, one of the most popular freshmen, just had to pursue you out of all the other girls who fawned over him.

A little over half a year has passed since you agreed to be his girlfriend—after numerous rejections, and you still haven’t adapted to your elevated social status. The way everyone stopped to look in awe at the two of you when walking by. How there always seemed to be someone with a phone to capture a single moment of your day and post it to the UniYeon, your college’s community site. The endless stream of comments praising you both as the epitome of couple goals and being jealous over your relationship with the one and only Lee Donghyuck was unrelenting.

Maybe you were crazy for disliking the attention, even though it wasn’t necessarily bad. Being a campus couple—with Lee Donghyuck much less, meant taking all the pressure that came with it. Your boyfriend seemed to have no problem ignoring what everyone else thought. So why was it so hard for you?

“Hey, guys!” Your best friend, Ahryun, snapped you out of your thoughts. “There’s this new fried chicken place that opened nearby. We should check it out. I heard there’s a special discount for university students there.”

Your lips parted, hesitant to respond, as a sense of wariness washed over you. Fortunately, Donghyuck spoke up, saving you both from the need to answer.

“Can’t. (Y/n) and I have a date for our 200-day anniversary,” He said proudly. You couldn’t help but smile when he turned to you with such loving eyes.

Although it felt like the whole university was watching your relationship like it was a reality show, you could handle the inconvenience. The love you had for Donghyuck allowed any wary thoughts to temporarily shift to the back of your mind.

You never pictured yourself dating someone like him, honestly. To say the least, you and he were quite the opposite of each other. He was a social butterfly, who made everyone around him laugh. You were the more reserved type, sticking with small groups of friends, and hiding your face behind the thin rose-gold glasses you always wore. Donghyuck often left you wondering what made him like you in the first place.

The anticipation in Ahryun’s eyes dissolved into disappointment. “Ah, I see. What about you, Jaemin?”

“Sorry, I can’t either. It’s my turn to cook for Jeno and me,” Jaemin replied, rolling his eyes at the mention of his best friend. He peered up from his phone and shifted his attention to the group. “Also, it’s been 200 days already? Time flies.”

You and Donghyuck nodded in agreement. The dark-haired boy leaned back in his seat with a nostalgic look. “Ah, it felt like yesterday when Donghyuck followed (Y/n) around like some lost puppy.”

Ahryun set her chin on the palm of her hand. “How did you handle him, (Y/n)-ah?”

“He just grew on me, I guess,” You shrugged, turning to look at the boy who gave unamused looks to the two people sitting across from you.

You reached your hand out to gently pet his head. “And it turned out he was very sweet and cute.”

Cliché words like this were rare from you. But seeing the pleased smile on Donghyuck’s face was sort of worth the minor embarrassment.

“See? (Y/n) loves me, thank you very much.” He childishly stuck his tongue out at your friends, earning a head shake from them. He stood up and offered his hand so you could walk out together.

“Now if you excuse us, we have a reservation to prepare for.”

▃▃▃

Despite being seated not long ago, the fluttery feeling in your stomach had yet to leave you. Since you had planned your 100-Day anniversary date, Donghyuck took responsibility for this one. That’s how you find yourself at a classy Italian restaurant. When looking at the other tables, you felt underdressed in your powder blue dress that was quite plain.

“How did you find this place?” You asked conscientiously.

A part of you wanted to ask if you guys could afford this place, considering you were broke college students. But you didn’t want to cause any tension when his effort into planning this special day was clear.

He casually glanced up from the menu in his hands. For a moment you forgot you were also holding one. “I just came across it, when I was searching for restaurants we should try someday. This one has the rose pasta you like.”

“Oh, really?”

Finally, your eyes dropped down to your own menu. The slight nervousness you had began to fade as a small smile stretched across your lips.

You loved witnessing the rare moments where your boyfriend’s subtle consideration peeked through. He often pretended not to pay attention when you talked about a food you liked or an activity you’ve always wanted to try. But in reality, he secretly saved those small details in his pocket for future surprises. Honestly, you were lucky to be one of the few people to see this side of Donghyuck.

Once you adjusted to the new setting, dinner with Donghyuck was quite delightful. Dates with him often started with feelings of nervousness and hesitation. But Donghyuck’s humor and charm always managed to melt away your anxiety. It was in those times when you allowed yourself to relax and enjoy the present moment.

During the date, the topic of conversation mainly revolved around school. Since his major was music production and yours was creative writing, your schedules didn’t align. Some may hate the distance throughout the day, but you and Donghyuck truly didn’t mind.

Though the boy occasionally complained about how he missed you, having something to talk about when you were together was nice. You loved listening to him share his experiences, and learn about the classes he was taking. Donghyuck always had the most amusing stories about something that happened to him or one of his friends.

The bright blue sky disappeared as the evening settled in, just as your dinner came to a close. You may or may not have reprimanded Donghyuck when he went to the “bathroom,” but instead paid for the meal at the counter.

“We could’ve split the check.” You crossed your arms in disapproval.

Knowing how stubborn your boyfriend could be, chastising him was futile. Yet you still did it. Which caused you to insist, “At least let me pay for drinks later.”

“Deal,” The boy agreed. “But before we go, I have a little something for you.”

Unsure of what to expect, you eyed him curiously as he reached into his jacket pocket. He brought out a cream-colored box and pushed the small item toward you.

“Open it.”

Hesitantly, you took the box in with one hand and opened it with the other. The slightly smug smile on his face changed to one of satisfaction when you gasped.

Inside the box revealed a necklace and not just any necklace—one with a sterling silver chain, and a crescent moon pendant made of white gold. Instantly, you recognized the gift as a reference to your couple name, Hae-Dal. That was what your fellow peers started calling the two of you at the beginning of your relationship. This given title was probably the only thing you honestly didn’t hate about being a campus couple.

Hae was a word for sun, and dal meant moon. Donghyuck was the sun because of his bright and extroverted nature. On the other hand, the moon represented your cold and pessimistic demeanor. Despite your contrasting personalities, the balance between you two was nothing short of marvelous.

“Hyuck, you shouldn’t have…”

Leaning back in his seat, the grin on his face didn’t leave. “I know. I’m amazing aren’t I?”

His teasing response was out of instinct. However, it was also his way of covering up the warm sensation that filled his heart when you called him by his nickname. You were the only person who did.

“It’s perfect. Thank you, really,” You breathed, allowing yourself to smile at him.

Before you guys parted ways for the night, Donghyuck didn’t let you leave without helping you put on the necklace. You couldn’t control the blush on your cheeks when his fingers grazed your neck as he connected the clasp. Especially when he used his other hand to cup the side of your face to bring you closer to him. His lips connected to yours in one of the most tender kisses he’s ever given. The exchange left you feeling as though time had stopped and nothing else in the world mattered.

“I love you, (Y/n). Let’s stay together forever.” His tone was lighthearted. However, the intensity of his gaze and the unmistakable spark in his eyes revealed just how deeply committed he was.

Agreeing wholeheartedly, you gently pressed your forehead against his and whispered. “Yes, let’s do that.”

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter two ~

For once, all of the negative thoughts in your mind quieted down. Despite having to wake up early for class, you felt more cheerful than usual. Even Ahryun noticed you had more energy today. The two of you met up in the library to do some homework.

“Okay, you’ve been acting like some lovestruck teenager all morning.” She gave you a weird look. “All because of Lee Donghyuck?”

You glanced up from the notes you were taking and smiled sheepishly. “Is it that obvious?”

Ahryun nodded and gestured to your neck. “Very. Did he give you that necklace?”

Almost instinctively, your hand reached to hold the pendant. You hadn’t taken it off since last night. Which was outstanding, considering you rarely wore jewelry.

“Wah, Donghyuck must really like you,” Ahryun smiled. “I wish I had a boyfriend to buy me expensive gifts.”

You shook your head. “That’s not why I like him though. The more I get to know Donghyuck, the more I see what a thoughtful person he is.”

Ahryun’s eyes widened with interest. “Tell me more about him.”

Out of habit, you folded your arms self-consciously when she leaned forward on the table. Maybe your lack of experience in relationships was the reason it felt so weird to talk about, now that you were actually in one. Back in high school, Ahryun was the one who’d be going on and on about her past boyfriends. You were pretty sure all the boys in your grade crushed on her at least once.

A part of you used to envy her. Ahryun had the type of beauty that didn’t require much effort. She always had the best features, the best fashion sense, and the best social skills. Once you started university, you thought Ahryun would end up being one of those campus couples. So even now, you were still surprised how things were the other way around.

“We’ve been dating for almost seven months now. But it feels like he and I have known each other forever,” You spoke honestly, twirling a pencil in your left hand. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, but I’m ready to open up to Donghyuck about…you know.”

The intrigued expression on Ahryun’s face disappeared. “Oh (Y/n), are you still…?”

A part of you wanted to hide under the table when her eyes darted to your right arm. Despite it being fully concealed by your white sweater, you instinctively pulled the sleeve down further out of paranoia. Almost no one knew about the dark secret that hid beneath the fabric.

Ahryun was the only person at the university who knew about your history of mental illness. Due to the toxic environment, you grew up in, you’ve always been an anxious child. As you matured, you constantly doubted yourself, convinced that you were merely fabricating everything within your own mind. It wasn’t until high school that those insecurities sought to completely destroy you.

The present you still hated yourself. But back then, the self-hatred stored inside of you was immense. Eventually, a box cutter came into your possession. Tenth grade was the beginning of your long, messy history with self-harm. Things got so bad in the last year of high school that you recklessly ran into a busy street. You could still hear the sound of the car horns blaring.

Unfortunately, your attempt to end your life failed. Your actions led to an unwelcome reputation that spread like wildfire through the entire school. You became labeled as the "crazy suicide girl," attracting gawking students in the hallways and the judgmental gazes of teachers. Amidst this turmoil, Ahryun remained steadfast as your true friend, standing unwaveringly by your side, providing much-needed support throughout it all.

After going through that trauma, you knew that anxiety would be a lifelong battle for you. But since starting university, you were in a far better place than you were at seventeen years old.

“I haven’t done it since I met Donghyuck,” You answered honestly. “But I still think he deserves to know, don’t you think?”

Ahryun leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms, pondering on how to respond.

“To be honest, I don’t think telling him is a good idea.”

Confusion crossed your eyes. “Why?”

“Most guys leave their girlfriends right away when they find out they’re…mentally ill,” Ahryun slowly explained. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Donghyuck walked out on you right after you told him.”

The small bubble of optimism in you burst. You have heard stories in relation to what Ahryun was talking about.

“But not all men are like that, right? Donghyuck isn’t the type to--”

Ahryun cut you off quickly and exhaled in frustration. “Seven months might seem long because this is your first relationship, (Y/n). Donghyuck might not get angry now if you tell him about your anxiety. But he’ll eventually get tired of helping you, and leave. Do you want that?”

No, that was the last thing you wanted. Ahryun was right. Your relationship with Donghyuck was the longest you’ve experienced, but it was also the only one. Though you knew him well now, there was no way of knowing what he might be like in the coming years.

“Besides, Donghyuck is a busy person,” Ahryun continued. “He has to balance his studies with all the clubs he��s in, and his internship. Telling him his girlfriend has anxiety would just add more stress to his life.”

Your friend’s words left a sting in your heart. But you found yourself agreeing with her. You knew—possibly better than anyone, how much he had on his plate lately. On top of all that, he managed to make time for you too. Maybe you were being too selfish.

“Yeah…I don’t know what I was thinking.” You brushed the conversation off. “Just forget I said anything.”

When you defeatedly went back to taking notes, you missed the satisfied smirk on your best friend’s face.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter three ~

Even though a few days had passed, that conversation with Ahryun kept replaying in your head. You felt like an ongoing battle was being fought internally. Your heart wanted to open up to Donghyuck. But your brain kept reminding you of Ahryun’s warnings. You hated yourself for overthinking things like this.

Your distraction left you a little dazed, and you found yourself zoning out throughout the day. In chemistry class, you made a conscious effort to push those bothersome thoughts aside. You listened attentively when the senior TA, Jaehyun explained today's lab procedures at the start of class.

Fortunately, you had Huang Renjun as your lab partner. He appeared to know what he was doing, a lot better than you did. At the beginning of the semester, the two of you were both a little shy and kept to yourselves. It wasn’t until you met him outside of class that you became more acquainted with the male. Coincidentally, Renjun turned out to be your boyfriend’s roommate and good friend. So the two of you naturally became closer after discovering this mutual connection.

“I think we’re almost finished.” Renjun’s gentle voice stole your attention away from the data table in front of you.

You tried to hold your pen steadily, watching him carefully mix the measured solutions into one beaker. Once he did, you quickly wrote down your observations in a lab journal. Thanks to Renjun, your experiment for the day ran pretty smoothly.

It wasn’t until after completing the lab that something went wrong. While Renjun was washing his hands, you took it upon yourself to return the supplies you guys used. The class was bustling around, cleaning up their stations. You gripped the slightly heavy tray in your hands tightly, trying to not let the crowded environment overwhelm you.

Jaehyun, looking to offer some assistance, came up from behind you. “Do you need help (Y/n)—”

You jumped at the sudden sound of the TA’s deep voice, and the tray in your hands dropped onto the floor with a clang, shattering a beaker in the process. A not-so-nice word immediately shot into your mind thereafter. You could already feel the stares of other students and tried to ignore them.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you!” Jaehyun quickly apologized, seeming just as alarmed as you were.

You shook your head with a faint smile, and instinctively bent down to clean up the broken pieces of glass. “N-no it’s my fault, Sunbae. I should’ve been more careful.”

Jaehyun took a step back when Renjun rushed to your side with an apprehensive expression.

“Wait (Y/n), don’t use your bare hands to clean that. You’re going to hurt yourself,” Renjun said, reaching his hand out to stop you.

It was only after you registered his warning that you caught sight of crimson spots on your lab coat. You glanced down to see the palm of her hand bleeding profusely from a small cut. The previous shard of the glass must’ve been sharper than you anticipated.

Renjun cursed when he saw. “Oh no, that looks bad.”

Your brain went into panic mode when he took your hand to examine it. In doing so, your sleeve was accidentally pushed up, revealing several faded pink lines just below your wrist. Immediately, you tried to pull your arm away. But the look of dismay in Renjun’s eyes told you it was too late.

Before you could say anything, Renjun’s hand delicately enclosed around your wrist so that no one else would see what he saw. He cleared his throat and turned to Jaehyun.

“Sunbae, is it okay if I take (Y/n) to the nurse’s office?”

Jaehyun’s eyes flickered between you and Renjun, then gave a brisk nod. “Yes, take her. Make sure (Y/n)’s hand is properly cleaned and bandaged.”

“Don’t worry Sunbae, I’ll take care of her.” Renjun bobbed his head. “Let’s go, (Y/n).”

As Renjun escorted you out of the room, your front teeth anxiously sank into your lower lip. Neither of you said anything on the walk to the nurse’s office. Renjun politely asked the nurse for a first-aid kit. After obtaining it, he brought you to a secluded area to tend to your cut.

The silence between you continued, as he meticulously wiped the blood from your palm with a damp cloth. You had to use a great amount of willpower to prevent yourself from flinching as he applied ointment to the cut and then proceeded to bandage it.

Your breathing quickened when you felt his hand come in contact with your wrist. It was evident that he wanted to investigate further into what he saw earlier.

“Renjun, please.” You put your hand over his. “You don’t want to see them.”

Renjun’s eyes brimmed with melancholy. He’s never heard your voice sound so…fragile. Actually, he wasn’t certain if anyone had seen this side of you.

“You can trust me, (Y/n). I just want to make sure you’re okay,” he spoke with reassurance.

You withdrew for a moment, debating whether or not to let him see. After taking a deep breath, you slowly rolled up your sleeve, revealing the marks which varied in different shades of pink and white.

The composed expression on Renjun’s face contorted into one of shock, an expected reaction that failed to quell the fear coursing through your veins. His fingers brushed over the scars, as he inspected them with a non-judgemental gaze.

But his words were still laced with worry. “(Y/n) these are…”

“Please don’t tell Donghyuck,” You cut him off with a whisper.

Renjun’s brows knit together. “He doesn’t know about this?”

“He can’t.” Your head shook hastily. “If he finds out, he’ll see the truth and realize how crazy I am. He’ll leave me.”

The look in Renjun’s eyes softened as he placed a comforting hand on your shoulder.

“Listen to me, (Y/n). I don’t know what you’re struggling with. But I know that Donghyuck would never leave you for something like this. He’ll want to help and support you.”

You let Renjun's encouragement sink into your head. Could it be true that Donghyuck wouldn’t judge if he found out this dark secret of yours? Or would it be wiser to pay attention to Ahryun’s advice, and keep it to yourself like you were used to?

“I…I just don’t know.” Your voice faltered.

Renjun gave you an understanding smile. “You should tell him when you’re ready.”

You let out a shaky breath, allowing the weight of the conversation to settle on your chest. A part of you wanted to believe Renjun was right about all of this. After a moment of silence, you glanced up and gestured to your wrapped-up hand.

“Thank you. I’m sorry you had to see all this,” you said, feeling a twinge of guilt.

Before you could add anything, Renjun embraced you in a warm hug, catching you off guard. His actions came as a surprise, given that he was typically the least physically affectionate person in your friend group.

“Don’t apologize. You’re my friend too, Kang (Y/n), and I’m here for you.”

You had to force yourself to look up at the bland ceiling to keep the tears at bay. But just as they began to prick the corner of your eyes, the sound of sneakers creaking against the floor stole your attention. Both of your heads turned to see a light-haired boy dashing down the hallway.

“Yah, Kang (Y/n)!”

You sprang away from Renjun’s arms and checked to make sure your scars were concealed before standing up. Donghyuck’s sprint came to a stop and his eyes widened with panic as he saw your bandaged hand.

“I was so worried when Jaehyun Hyung told me what happened. Are you okay?” He moved towards you, immediately pulling you into his embrace.

You released a small breath, surrendering to the comfort of Donghyuck's embrace. Even though you would never confess it, his hugs were always a source of warmth and tenderness that could soothe any pain. It was in moments like these when you cherished his comfort. Even if he didn’t know what was going on.

“It’s just a scratch, Hyuck. I’m sorry for worrying you,” You insisted, glancing at Renjun with a pleading look.

Renjun understood you were silently asking him not to say anything. Honestly, his care for your mental state made him not want to listen to you. But at the same time, he knew he had to respect your decisions.

After a few moments, Donghyuck pulled away to gently place his hand over the left side of your face. His eyes searched yours momentarily, before dropping down to your right hand.

You held it up for him to see. “Renjun helped wrap it up for me. So I’ll be fine.”

The tension in Donghyuck’s shoulders lessened a bit. He gave his friend an appreciative smile. “Thanks for looking after her, Renjun-ah.”

“Anytime,” Renjun hummed. He grabbed his bag and closed the first aid kit. “I have to go return this. See you guys later, take care (Y/n).”

Once Renjun left, Donghyuck focused his attention back on you. He used the soft padding of his thumb to gently caress your cheek.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” He asked with a slight pout.

You nodded and squeezed his hand reassuringly. It was endearing to see how worried Donghyuck was for you, and almost sickeningly sweet. You weren’t even that injured, but he still ran out of class. His actions only made you feel more loved.

However, Renjun's words from earlier lingered in your mind, and you realized that Donghyuck was your safe haven in moments like these. Although Ahryun's words still weighed heavily on you, you knew you couldn't keep your secret from Donghyuck any longer. He cared for you deeply, and as your significant other, he deserved to know.

▃▃▃

Later that day, Donghyuck and you decided to head back to your apartment. After an hour of studying, he suggested getting some takeout and continuing the drama series you’ve both been hooked on. The two of you sat at the far end of the sofa, snuggling underneath a fluffy white blanket.

As you rested your head against your boyfriend’s chest, you had to admit that being in his arms felt especially comforting that night. With the events of the day still weighing on you, the steady rhythm of Donghyuck’s heartbeat provided a soothing backdrop and eased the tension in your body.

Toward the second half of the episode, the female lead got into a heated argument with her boyfriend. The tension had risen after she reluctantly revealed her ex had been engaging in abrasive behavior in a poor attempt to win her back.

��How long has this been going on for?” The man looked at her with a betrayed expression.

The woman crossed her arms insecurely and replied hesitantly. “The past two months.”

“Why did you wait so long to say something?” He demanded, slamming his wine glass on the table.

“Because I knew you’d react like this!” She retorted, frustration flashing in her eyes.

The man scoffed in disbelief, running his fingers through his hair. “That’s not good enough! You shouldn’t have kept this from me.”

A feeling of unease filled you, as you witnessed the man stand up and storm out of the restaurant. You subtly glanced up at Donghyuck, wondering what he thought about the scene.

“Do you think he was overreacting?” You asked softly.

Donghyuck tilted his head slightly, “Yeah, a little. But I understand why he’s upset at her for hiding something like that.”

“Well, I think she just didn’t want to worry him.” Your voice trailed off.

“I get that,” He said. “But he’s her partner, and keeping secrets from one another will only hurt their relationship.

“What would you do if I was keeping a secret?” You questioned hypothetically. “Like if I didn’t say anything because I thought it might hurt you?”

Donghyuck paused for a moment before answering honestly. “I would be more hurt if you didn’t trust me enough to be truthful. It’s important that we share things, even if it may be hard to hear at times.”

Listening to your boyfriend’s thoughts only caused a small knot of apprehension to form in your stomach.

“You wouldn’t judge me or abandon me if I confided in you then?” You hoped he couldn’t hear the timidity in your voice.

He brushed a loose strand of hair behind your ear. The touch he left sent a tingling sensation down your spine. “Never. Whatever you’d be going through, I’d be by your side.”

You felt something catch in your throat as his sweet words sank in. When you first met, Donghyuck’s humorous behavior made you think he never took anything seriously. But talking to him now, you didn’t think you’d encountered a person who was more genuine than he was.

Taking his response as a confirmation to trust him, a rare feeling of determination consumed you. Reluctantly, you removed yourself from the comfort of Donghyuck’s arms and turn to face him.

“Actually Donghyuck, can I tell you something?”

A gentle concern filled the sun-kissed boy’s eyes as he sat up with you. His hand already reached out to grab your bandaged one, quelling the nerves that had quickly built up inside of you.

“Of course, Jagiya,” He responded patiently. “Whatever it is, I’m here to listen.”

You couldn’t think of a better moment to let Lee Donghyuck fully into your heart. The fear of what might or might not happen was not going to hold you back this time. He waited patiently, as you mentally pieced together what you were about to say. Your heart felt like it was about to jump out of your chest, but you tried to shake off the feeling. You haven’t been this nervous since the first time Donghyuck confessed to you.

After releasing a single deep breath, your lips parted to speak. “Hyuck there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you—”

However, your sentence was cut off by the sound of the front door being unlocked. Bursting through the door came your roommate, Yuna, her eyes wide with panic. Her ragged breathing made it evident she had rushed over here.

“Eonni, have you seen the latest post on UniYeon?”

The mention of Yeonsung’s community site left you puzzled, your brows furrowing in bewilderment. You and your boyfriend exchanged looks of confusion.

“What are you talking about?” You tried to appear composed and unbothered by the disruption. When in reality, you were just trying to conceal the growing unease within you.

Yuna kicked off her sneakers before walking across the room. She pulled out her phone to show what she was referring to.

“I was studying in the library with my friends and some guys were talking about an article posted about you…”

Donghyuck leaned in beside you to catch a glimpse. His actions prompted you to narrow your eyes in an attempt to decipher the tiny black Korean characters at the top of the screen. The headline read, Kang (Y/n) Spotted Holding Hands with Huang Renjun!

You blinked a few times, wondering if you were hallucinating for a second. But the accusing words didn’t disappear. You tried to search for the name of the student who wrote this. But the post was anonymous.

“What the hell?” Donghyuck hastily grabbed the phone.

He scrolled down, revealing photos of you and Renjun in the hall earlier that day. The hall was usually empty, which made the situation look suspicious. The angles at which the photos were taken created an illusion that you were holding the boy’s hand as he knelt in front of you. When in reality, Renjun was only tending to the cut on your palm.

“This is ridiculous. How can anyone believe this crap?” He scoffed.

“Are you okay Eonni?” Your roommate’s voice was barely audible to you. An overwhelming feeling of dread was already beginning to consume you.

But you managed to plaster on a light-hearted smile. “It’s fine, Yuna. Thanks for letting me know.”

Yuna gave you an apologetic look as she accepted her phone back before excusing herself from the room. After she left, you reached for your laptop to pull up the article and stopped at the comment section.

What an ungrateful b*tch! How dare she cheat on Lee Donghyuck?!

Omo, who does she think she is, going after her boyfriend’s close friend?

Aish, it’s always the sneaky quiet ones that are the devils in disguise.

Donghyuck put his hand over yours before you could scroll any further. Despite the anger simmering about the situation, he recognized the difficult position you were put in.

“Don’t listen to the garbage spewing out of their mouths.” He said firmly, closing the laptop. “We both know the truth, and that’s all that matters.”

“But still…I should’ve been more careful,” You muttered warily, running your fingers through your hair.

He quickly reached to take your hand in his. “Hey, none of this is your fault, (Y/n)-ah. Don’t waste your energy on people who have nothing better to do than spread rumors.”

Your shoulders sank, taking in his words. His response was so natural and confident, leaving you in awe by how he didn’t place any blame on you.

“Yeah, you’re right.” You return to your previous cuddling position and rest your head on his chest.

You felt the boy smile as his arms encircled your waist. “Oh, right. Weren’t you going to tell me something?”

Your mind raced back to what the two of you were talking about earlier. Hesitation filled you, and that small bout of courage you had was gone.

“Oh—um, it can wait,” You brushed him off.

Donghyuck noticed your gaze shift downward, and he was about to encourage you to just tell him whatever it was right then. But then you snuggled closer to him, gently squeezing his waist.

“I just want to stay like this for a little longer,” You murmured into his t-shirt, trying to push away all the bad thoughts.

His heart quickened, and he couldn’t stop the stupid grin that formed. He wondered how someone could possibly be this adorable. While a part of him was still curious about what you were saying earlier, he was content with having you in his arms for now.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter four ~

Ahryun glanced at her reflection on her phone screen anticipatingly, as she stood under the camellia tree at the heart of the campus. Earlier this morning, Donghyuck asked if they could meet up. Receiving a text from the popular male was enough to make her heart skip a beat. Her mind instantly overflowed with all the possible reasons why he asked to meet her. Fortunately, she didn’t have to wait long, as he showed up in his favorite blue drawstring hoodie and a pair of black ripped jeans.

“Hey, thanks for responding so fast.” He quickly greeted her.

“Of course. What did you want to talk to me about?” She asked sweetly.

Donghyuck was too distracted to notice the dreamy smile that graced Ahryun’s lips. He wasted no time in getting to the point. “It’s just…(Y/n). You saw the post yesterday, right?”

“I did,” Ahryun slowly answered. Her smile faded as a tinge of disappointment quickly clouded her previously optimistic disposition.

“People have been making a lot of stupid comments,” he male shook his head. “And even though she might pretend to be okay, I know this is affecting her. So I wanted to ask if you could keep her occupied?”

“Keep her occupied?”

Donghyuck’s eyes fell to the ground, before nodding. “I wish I could be with her, but my internship is today. And I thought since you’re her best friend, you could try to distract her from looking at her phone too much?”

Ahryun inhaled, trying to suppress her outrage. She should’ve known he would bring up her. What was so great about you that made Donghyuck feel like he needed to protect you from the real world?

Holding back the urge to scoff, Ahryun masked her emotions behind a forced smile.

“Silly, I was already planning to take her out today,” She said. “But I would’ve done so even if you didn’t ask me to.”

The boy in front of her visibly relaxed, a look of relief washing over his face. “Yeokshi, Min Ahryun. I knew I could count on you.”

Her heart fluttered when he gave her an appreciative smile. He certainly wasn’t one of Yeonsung’s prince charmings for no reason.

Donghyuck checked his watch and let out a soft curse under his breath. “I gotta go. My class starts in 11 minutes.”

Ahryun nodded understandingly before holding her hand out to stop him from leaving.

“Honestly, I’ve been worried about (Y/n) too, and not just because of the community post,” She admitted.

He turned to her with a confused look and waited for her to continue. She hesitated briefly before speaking up.

“She got diagnosed with anxiety last year. But I’m sure you already knew, right?”

His heart instantly sank to his stomach upon this revelation. A part of him wanted to believe Ahryun was joking. But you had been acting strange yesterday. Was this what you were trying to tell him about?

Ahryun fought back a sly grin, finding it hard to contain her amusement at his dismay. She pretended to be shocked with a feigned gasp. “Oh my, she probably didn’t want you to find out. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Anxiety? She didn’t…she never said…”

Your friend grabbed his wrist in panic. "Please, Donghyuck-ah, you can't let her know that I told you. It's a sensitive topic for her, and she must have hidden it from you for a reason."

Based on the dumbfounded expression on his face, it was evident that the boy was rendered speechless. Ahryun had achieved the exact reaction she wanted. Donghyuck would never see you as that sweet and shy girl anymore. You resembled a fragile Jenga tower, seemingly growing taller. But it would only take a single block for you to collapse.

▃▃▃

You had thought about skipping class today. However, the rational part of your brain that wouldn’t allow anything to disrupt your academic focus, screamed a resounding “no” to you. Donghyuck offered to walk you to class, not wanting you to go alone. But you kindly declined, knowing his class was on the opposite side of campus. You weren’t going to trouble him with the extra distance.

However, the regret of that decision slowly crept up on you as soon as you set foot on campus. You didn't know what part of you believed you could handle the relentless gazes and barely restrained whispers all by yourself. Each passing minute in class felt like an eternity, with lingering glances directed your way. You felt as though you were under a microscope, a new specimen being scrutinized.

You released a quiet sigh, redirecting your focus to the professor's lecture. Aware that this was your last class for the day, you reminded yourself that enduring it for a mere fifty minutes was manageable.

However, by the time the lecture was over, you had barely taken five steps when the buzzing of your phone disrupted your escape plan. Letting out a small sigh, you reached into your bag to take out the cellular device. The notification turned out to be a text from Ahryun four minutes ago. She had sent a message asking if you were out of class and wanted to meet up after.

On any other occasion, you would have readily agreed. But in that particular moment, all you wanted to do was retreat to the comfort of your apartment. You began to type a polite decline to her, as you made your way out of class. Coincidentally, the male you were currently caught up in a scandal with, approached you.

“Hey, can we talk for a second?” He spoke in a hushed tone.

You mentally groaned at the icy reception students gave when they saw the two of you in the same place. Although you were pretty sure you were the one they were rolling their eyes at. Renjun shot a condescending glare at anyone who looked for too long.

After moving outside, Renjun let out a heavy sigh. “I’m really sorry about this, (Y/n). It’s unbelievable that someone would take photos of us like that.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” You replied with a faint smile. “Remember the threats I received when Donghyuck and I first started dating? I should be used to this by now.”

Your boyfriend’s roommate glanced at you with a mixture of concern and frustration in his eyes. “But that doesn’t make it right. Especially when it comes to invading your privacy and spreading rumors,” He deadpanned.

You didn't anticipate Renjun being just as furious as Donghyuck about the situation. It warmed your heart to know that you had people in your life who cared deeply for you and were ready to stand up for you. It made you wish you could be as strong-minded as them.

Just as you were about to respond, your conversation was abruptly cut short.

"There you are, Kang (Y/n). I've been looking for you!" You turned towards Ahryun, who was swiftly making her way down the hallway towards you and Renjun.

“Oh sorry. I was just about to answer your text,” You said sheepishly, rubbing the back of your neck.

A look of understanding flashed in her eyes before she noticed Renjun standing beside you. She warily gestured between the two of you with her finger. “Won’t it be suspicious if people see you together right now? Unless you guys are actually…”

“No, it’s not like that,” You stopped her from finishing her sentence, your brows furrowing in puzzlement. Did she seriously believe that you and Renjun would go behind Donghyuck’s back like that?

Renjun promptly came to your defense. “Yeah, I was just checking if (Y/n) was alright.”

The slightest trace of irritation could be heard in his voice as if he felt no need to provide Ahryun with an explanation when nothing was going on.

In response, Ahryun chuckled and playfully tapped you on the arm. "Wow, you two got so serious all of a sudden. I was just teasing," she said with a lighthearted tone.

You breathed a small sigh of relief, silently reprimanding yourself for entertaining the thought that your closest friend would think so low of you.

“I was thinking we should go see a movie today,” She said, linking her arm through yours.

To which you responded with a hesitant expression, contemplating the idea. “I don’t know…I kind of just want to go home.”

“Oh come on, going out on a day like this will help take your mind off things,” Ahryun persisted. “You can join us if you’d like Renjun-ssi.”

Renjun declined with a polite smile, “Thanks, but I’m supposed to meet up with my group for a project this evening. You guys have fun though.”

You nodded understandingly, giving a friendly wave to Renjun before Ahryun took the lead, guiding you away.

▃▃▃

You zoned out during the movie, barely noticing when it reached its conclusion. Your mind seemed elsewhere, and you were only vaguely aware of the film coming to an end. Ahryun went to get a refill on her drink, while you waited for her near the entrance doors.

“(Y/n)?” A voice called out, capturing your attention. As you turned, your gaze fell upon a boy wearing a black hoodie adorned with a charming cat design. He was holding a half eaten bucket of popcorn.

“Oh hi, Jeno. What are you doing here?”

Jeno approached you with a friendly smile in return. “Jaemin dragged me here to watch this action movie with him. How about you?”

“I came here with Ahryun,” You replied. Jeno nodded in acknowledgment.

“How are you and Donghyuck?” He asked. “I heard you two recently celebrated your 200-day anniversary.”

You couldn't help but blush at the mention of such a seemingly trivial milestone. “It’s not that big of a deal,” You said, lowering your gaze.

“Well, I’d say reaching day 200 with Lee Donghyuck is quite an achievement. His relationships in high school barely made it past 20 days,” Jeno teasingly remarked, earning a laugh from you.

Jeno laughed along with you before adding, “But seriously, Donghyuck is lucky to have you. You guys have something special.”

His words carried a genuine warmth, which you appreciated. It surprised you every time when one of Donghyuck’s friends showed genuine acceptance toward you. They had been so quick to welcome you into their friend group when you two first started dating.

“Thanks, Jeno,” you said, hoping he could feel the sincerity in your words.

Why should you care about the opinions of others when you had all the encouragement you needed? The unwavering support from Donghyuck's friends and the strength of your bond with him made any external judgments or remarks seem insignificant.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter five ~

"Okay, you have got to be kidding me," you groaned in frustration as you glanced at your phone.

The sight that greeted you was a series of pictures of you and Jeno from the other day, and now the online community site was blowing up with speculation. The comments were even worse than the last time. Before you could go down a rabbit hole of scrolling, Donghyuck swiftly snatched your phone out of your grasp.

“Hyuck,” you softly protested, extending your hand to retrieve your phone back. But he pulled his arm back, keeping the device out of reach.

“Nope.” He shook his head. “I’m confiscating this for today.”

“But–”

Donghyuck placed a quick peck on your lips before you could finish that sentence. “You shouldn’t care about what they think, babe.”

He glanced back at the article with an annoyed sigh. He didn’t understand why people were going after you. Couldn’t they just leave your relationship alone?

“Are you alright, though?” He asked, placing a hand over yours.

You nodded, “Of course I am.”

Of course, you were lying. The recent posts and the increased gossip bothered you more than they should. A part of you blamed yourself for all this happening. But you couldn’t tell Donghyuck that. Worrying him wasn’t going to make things better.

“Well if you are struggling, you can tell me okay?” He gave your hand a gentle squeeze.

For some reason, you sensed a subtle undercurrent of concern in his words. But you brushed it off as your tendency to overthink things, convincing yourself it was nothing.

Later that day, you were hanging out at Ahryun’s apartment. You lay flat on the floor in her bedroom, staring up at the ceiling while countless thoughts swam in your head.

“I just don’t understand why this keeps happening,” you sighed, venting your frustrations. “It’s like no matter where I go, someone is watching.”

Ahryun cast a glance back at you through her vanity mirror. "Someone must really not want you two together.”

“You think?” You frowned.

A lot of people didn’t like you being with Donghyuck. But whoever kept posting photos of you on the community site was clearly targeting you, leaving you apprehensive about the situation.

“Well I’m sure there are plenty of girls who find it difficult to accept you and Donghyuck being together,” Ahryun spoke nonchalantly, as she picked out a pink lip tint to wear. “They just can’t stand the fact that the popular and charming Lee Donghyuck is with someone so different.”

You pondered whether you truly were that different as Ahryun said. Sure, you might not come from a privileged background or possess the most striking physical appearance. You were ordinary, just like everyone else. What was so wrong about that?

“But seriously, you shouldn’t let it bother you (Y/n). There will always be people who will hate on you,” Ahryun said.

“Yeah you’re right…”

She did have a valid point. As long as you remained a college student navigating a judgmental society, criticism would inevitably be a part of your experience. Dwelling on it wasn’t going to get you anywhere.

Letting out a sigh, you sat up and directed your gaze towards the clock on Ahryun's nightstand, realizing the time.

"Hey, can I borrow your phone for a moment?" you asked, breaking the silence. "I should message Donghyuck to let him know I'm here."

"Of course," Ahryun smiled warmly, extending her hand to pass you the device.

Mouthing a quick thank-you, you received Ahryun's phone and swiftly began searching for your boyfriend's contact information. Just as you located his number, a notification popped up, drawing your attention. Your curiosity piqued, you briefly glanced at the preview, which read: "Someone commented on your post, 'Kang (Y/n) Seen Out with Lee Jeno at the Movies'." Having a weird feeling, you clicked on the notification, leading you to the UniYeon app. Scrolling up, your disbelief grew as you discovered that Ahryun…was the owner of the post

Overwhelmed, you decided to investigate further and opened her photo gallery. To your astonishment, you discovered numerous pictures of you and Renjun, followed by images of you and Jeno.

No, you couldn’t fathom this. Ahryun was your closest friend. She was someone you trusted wholeheartedly. She would never…

"Ahryun... what is all this?" you asked, confusion evident in your voice. A part of you desperately hoped that none of this could be true.

Ahryun spun around in her chair and met the look of betrayal in your eyes. She cursed when she saw you had the post open on her phone.

"(Y/n), I can explain—," she began.

You stepped back, unable to fully comprehend the situation. "Wait, so it was you all along? Why…"

Ahryun turned away, averting her gaze for a moment. Amid the tense silence, you caught the faint sound of a laugh slipping out from her lips.

“You know, you’re really pathetic Kang (Y/n),” She sneered, her words cutting through the air with a sharp edge. “Yes, it was me.”

You were startled by the sudden change in your best friend’s demeanor. “Why would you do that? The whole school is talking crap about me because of those posts.”

Ahryun fixed her gaze upon you, her expression lacked any remorse. There was an unsettling absence of any regret in her eyes, almost as if she were relieved to be exposed in this way. It was as if she had been waiting for the moment to discard the pretense of caring about you.

“Because I’ve liked Donghyuck long before you did,” she confessed. “I got tired of seeing you with him.”

Her resentful words revealed the depth of her hidden emotions. Your heart sank further, as you processed things. The revelation hit you like a tidal wave, making sense of Ahryun’s actions.

“So you wanted to sabotage me?” You shook your head in disbelief. “Why…we’ve been friends for so long.”

A smirk tugged at the corners of Ahryun's lips, her eyes gleaming with a hint of cruel satisfaction as she observed the wavering in your voice. Witnessing you in such a vulnerable state, after so long, seemed to gratify her.

“No matter how many times I thought about it, I just don’t get why he had to be with you, of all girls,” she said bitterly.

You took a deep breath, trying to process the magnitude of Ahryun’s actions. Seeing this new side of her left you questioning the authenticity of your friendship. Doubt crept in, as you considered the possibility that she had been pretending to be your friend this whole time.

“So you thought going behind my back and spreading false information about me would make us break up?”

"We both know how fragile you can be," Ahryun said slowly, her words carrying a calculated edge. "Like you were in high school."

The implication of her statement cut deep, resurrecting memories of past vulnerabilities. It felt as if she was exploiting your past struggles to justify her actions, further fueling the hurt and confusion that consumed you.

Before you could counter her words, Ahryun forcefully took hold of your arm. You gasped when she yanked your sleeves up, exposing the scars that held too many painful memories.

“Just remember that if he sees these hideous scars,” She threatened. “And when he does, he’ll see how broken you are. Nobody wants someone who is mentally unstable.”

Tears welled up in your eyes, as you’ve never felt more defenseless. She was using your past struggles as a weapon to tear you apart. Then to further sting to her words, she placed her hand on your shoulder as a twisted display of false comfort.

“If you can’t handle the facts, maybe you guys shouldn’t be together,” She said.

You stood up, gripping your bag tightly, and met her icy glare.

“Donghyuck isn't who you think he is,” you managed to say, your voice quivering. “He loves me, and nothing you say or do will ever change that.”

With a heavy heart, you turned away, a rush of long-forgotten emotions flooding through you. You didn’t bother to stop the tears from falling as you walked away. As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you could already sense yourself slipping back into the depths of a dark place you hadn't visited since your teenage years.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter six ~

A week had passed since your fallout with Ahryun, and you were doing your best to not let things get to you. But it was hard not to. You spent sleepless nights thinking about how things went wrong, and the subtle indications you failed to notice. Like her evident intrigue whenever you spoke about him, or the way her eyes lit up whenever his name was mentioned.

Nevertheless, you buried yourself in your schoolwork in hopes to tune out everything that was happening. Donghyuck noticed you seemed more withdrawn lately. You could see the concern in him growing, but you insisted that everything was fine.

One day you were on your way to meet Donghyuck after his class and stopped in the cafeteria to buy drinks for the both of you. You were inserting a dollar bill into the vending machine when a group of girls approached you unexpectedly. Their focused glares at you were filled with disdain and judgment.

“Look at that, it’s Kang (Y/n) the cheater.” one of the girls said, her voice dripping with hostility. “First it was Huang Renjun, and then Lee Jeno. Who’s next, Na Jaemin?”

You shrank back slightly, clenching your fists as you fought to maintain your composure. Despite them being three harmless girls, any sort of conflict easily intimidated you. Your heart raced, and a surge of anxiety threatened to overwhelm you, but you were determined to stand your ground.

“Please, you don’t know anything,” you said, your voice firm and steady. “So stay out of it.”

“You see, no one believes that quiet nice girl facade you try to uphold,” the girl beside the first one, scowled. “If you’re smart, you’d break up with him. I’m sure you’re aware that you don’t deserve him.”

You tried to not show them how their words pierced through you like a needle. The hate comments were bad enough. But being confronted in person made the situation ten times scarier.

Determined to not succumb to their empty threats, you grabbed the beverages from the vending machine and made the move to leave. But before you could escape their presence, the third girl twisted the cap off her soda bottle and spilled it on you. In mere seconds your clothes were drenched in the sticky liquid.

“Oops, my bad,” she laughed mockingly.

A wave of humiliation crashed over you, as you felt the weight of the stares and the whispers echoing through the cafeteria. Out of the corner of your eye, you spotted Ahryun standing from a distance, watching in amusement. Was this all some twisted joke to her?

Back in high school, she was the only one who defended you. Now knowing her support and loyalty had been fake, made the sight of her standing idly by more painful.

Just as you were ready to break down, a voice yelled from behind you.

“Yah, what the hell do you think you’re doing to her?”

Turning your gaze, you saw Donghyuck storming into the cafeteria. His eyes were blazing with anger.

“Hyuck—” You tried to stop him before he could make the situation worse. But he was too angry to listen.

“You think it’s acceptable to gang up on someone based on false information?” His eyes glowered intensely. “You have no right to harass her or make judgments without knowing the whole truth.”

The cafeteria fell into an uneasy silence, the whispers fading into the background as his words reverberated through the space. The girls who had targeted you were momentarily taken aback by Donghyuck's unyielding defense, their expressions shifting from arrogance to uncertainty.

Deciding he had enough of this, Donghyuck firmly grasped your hand and guided you away from the prying eyes and tense atmosphere. He let out a sigh of concern as his gaze fell upon the stained fabric of your shirt, prompting him to remove his hoodie and put it on you.

“I’m so sorry (Y/n),” he mumbled, even though he wasn’t the one who should be apologizing. “Are you okay?”

You shook your head. “I’m fine, Hyuck. Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure though?” he asked, extending his hand towards you.

But you took a step back, feeling frustrated. “Yes, I already told you. I’m fine.”

“(Y/n)—”

“I just… I just want to be alone right now, okay?” You placed the drink you bought in his hands and walked past him.

Later that night, you found yourself once again unable to fall asleep. It felt like the troublesome thoughts in your head were slowly killing you, weighing heavily on your conscience. The weight of self-blame consumed you, as you couldn't help but think that all of this was your fault. It’s been so long since you felt this way, completely worthless. You didn’t deserve to have someone as sweet as Donghyuck in your life.

Without thinking much, you sluggishly sat down in your desk chair and absentmindedly opened the drawer. Inside lay an old friend you hadn't laid eyes on in ages. Ignoring the creeping sense of dread, you lifted the gleaming box cutter from the drawer.

Holding your breath, you tightly gripped the handle and pulled up your sleeve. You barely felt it when the cold blade punctured your flesh, tracing a diagonal line across your pale skin. Tears streamed down your cheek as you repeated the same incisions, mirroring the first one. The sensation of hot blood seeping out became palpable with each new cut.

You honestly didn't know how you would react if Donghyuck were to witness you in this state. The fear of him discovering the depth of your brokenness was more terrifying than the fresh scars that adorned your skin. Perhaps Ahryun was right, maybe you couldn’t handle this.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter seven ~

You kept your gaze locked on the steaming cup of hot chocolate, anxiously waiting for the arrival of your boyfriend. He rushed into the café with an apologetic smile, as he sat down in the empty chair across from you.

“Sorry, I’m late. Renjun needed my help with something,” he said.

In response, you slid the other drink in his direction with an understanding smile. “I got your usual.”

"You are the best," he praised, lifting the cup of coffee to his lips for a sip.

You listened quietly as he shared about how busy he’s been lately with school and his internship. However, the gnawing sensation in your stomach kept you from fully focusing on the conversation.

“Oh, right!” Donghyuck’s eyes lit up as if a light bulb suddenly went off in his brain. “Your birthday is coming up, babe. What do you want to do?”

It was at that moment, you recognized the pressing need to speak up before your courage slipped away.

“Donghyuck…there’s something I have to say,” you spoke cautiously.

The confusion in his eyes, when you used his full name, was almost unbearable for you to see. But he waited expectantly to hear whatever you were about to say. The fact that he was oblivious to the reason you asked him to meet you here made you feel nauseated. You were aware that you couldn't continue to tiptoe around the issue for much longer.

Taking a deep breath, you locked eyes with him once more. Without allowing any room for hesitation, you uttered the next three words with unwavering determination.

"Let’s break up.”

You witnessed his face falter, a stunned look settling in as he struggled to comprehend the gravity of the situation.

“(Y/n)...what are you saying?” he chuckled half-heartedly. “You’re not being serious, right?”

Biting down on your lip, you used the explanation you had carefully prepared. “I realized that I can’t do this whole campus couple thing anymore. It feels suffocating, like every moment we spend together, people are watching and waiting to criticize me for something."

“I…I had no idea you felt that way,” Donghyuck swallowed, his voice tinged with surprise at your confession. “But (Y/n), we can work through this. I promise—”

“No, we can’t,” you deadpanned. “You should find someone better than me.”

You’ve never despised yourself more than you did in this moment. The hurt in his eyes reflected your own, a stark reminder that you were the source of his new pain.

In dismay, Donghyuck reached for your hand in desperation. “(Y/n) please, don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve already made up my mind,” your voice trembled with a mix of despondence and resignation.

Slowly you reached behind your neck and unclasped the necklace he gave you a while ago. Holding back tears, you delicately placed the shimmering moon pendant in his hand. Returning this symbol of your connection was far more heart-wrenching than you had anticipated.

The weight of the decision pressing on your shoulders, you gathered your belongings and rose from your seat, your determination masking the cracks in your resolve. The distant echoes of his anguished voice calling after you tugged at your heart, but you ignored them. With quickened steps, you hastened out of the café, your eyes fixed on the path ahead, knowing that if you allowed yourself even a moment of hesitation, you’d give into your selfish emotions.

You never cried so hard in your life as you did that evening when you returned to your apartment. You had just pushed away the one person who had brought so much joy into your once gloomy life. But as long as your mind continued to waver, you understood the importance of keeping everyone at a distance was safer.

Even though it meant bringing an end to a love that was incredibly precious to you, deep down, you told yourself that things were better this way.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter eight ~

The next month following your breakup, felt like a self-imposed prison sentence. As the days blurred together, you had become a shadow of your former self. With the absence of your best friend and boyfriend, you found solace in isolation, confining yourself to the four walls of your apartment. It felt as if you were bound to your living space, only leaving to attend classes or go to your part-time job at the library.

The mere thought of encountering Donghyuck outside filled you with an overwhelming sense of unease, making it unbearable to step foot beyond the safety of your apartment. The idea of facing him, of seeing the pain reflected in his eyes or the awkwardness that would surely follow, was something you couldn't bring yourself to confront.

With your mental state continuing to deteriorate, you found yourself falling back into old habits. The blade in your drawer became the sinister companion you turned to when the emotional pain became too much. At some point, you stopped feeling anything as you wiped the crimson trails that traced down your arm.

Despite the tireless efforts of several friends, their attempts to reach out to you were met with distant silence and evasive responses. Renjun had repeatedly urged you to call him if you wanted to talk, while Jeno and Jaemin tried their best to cheer you up. However, their kind gestures only served to make your heartache worse. You knew that they were deeply concerned for both you and Donghyuck.

Secretly, you harbored the hope that the breakup wasn’t affecting Donghyuck just as deeply as it was for you. In a bittersweet twist, now that he was no longer tied to you, all you wanted was for him to move on swiftly and find happiness without you.

On a Friday night, Jaemin had made his way to your apartment. He sat with you on the couch, saddened by your withdrawn state. The toll of your emotional turmoil was evident in your appearance.

You had forsaken the delicate hues of your wardrobe, the creamy whites and light blues that once adorned your form, for a monochrome palette of darkness. Your complexion had lost its natural radiance, leaving your skin pale and lacking its usual vitality. Dark circles had etched their mark under your weary eyes, evidence of the sleepless nights and internal struggles you had endured.

“Come with me to the spring festival,” Jaemin suggested. “It’s your favorite event of the school year.”

You looked up at him with a weak smile, your eyes reflecting a mix of gratitude and despair. Subconsciously, you tugged down on the ends of your sleeves, afraid your scars might show.

“I’m sorry Jaemin. But I really can’t...right now,” you mumbled. “It wouldn’t be right for me to go out and have fun.”

Jaemin’s expression filled with genuine concern, as he reached to put his hand on your shoulder. “Don’t say that (Y/n),” he said softly, his voice laced with empathy. “I understand that you’re having just as much of a hard time as Donghyuck is right now. But shutting yourself out from the rest of the world isn’t healthy. You know he wouldn’t want to see you like this.”

The mention of his name was enough to cause your lip to quiver. You raised a trembling hand to press against your watery eyes.

Shaking your head, you lamented, “No, I don’t deserve your kindness or anyone else’s. I’m a terrible person. You don’t even know, Jaemin.”

It hurt Jaemin to see his friend so distraught. While he had a faint understanding of your tendency to self-criticize, he didn’t think you’d be this harsh on yourself. He had a hunch that you didn't truly desire to end things with Donghyuck.

You cried into Jaemin’s shoulder a bit, feeling oddly better after letting out some of your emotions. Once you calmed down, Jaemin tried to convince you again about the spring festival.

“Come on, it’ll be good for you to step outside for a bit,” He insisted. “You don’t even have to stay that long. If you’re not feeling it, I’ll bring you back here.”

Just the thought of stepping into a crowd after the recent events sent a shiver down your spine. But Jaemin’s unwavering support and effort to help you reclaim some sort of normalcy, made you feel guilty. Deep down, you knew you couldn’t keep hiding forever. Maybe, just maybe, you could go out this once for a little distraction.

With a hesitant nod, you gathered the strength to pull yourself off the couch. “Okay, Jaemin. I’ll try, but no promises.”

Jaemin jumped up with excitement, his face lighting up as he urged you to the door. Once you arrived at the festival, you were greeted by the enchanting glow of the hung-up lanterns and spring-themed music playing in the background. The sight of cherry blossom petals dancing in the air reminded you of why you liked the festival so much in the first place.

“Kang (Y/n), you made it!” Renjun waved to you from one of the booths. Jeno stood beside him and gave you a kind smile.

Seeing familiar faces reignited a small flicker of joy you haven’t experienced in a while. Gradually, you allowed yourself to be swept away by the night. You let the guys guide you through the vibrant booths, adorned by colorful decorations. The air was filled with the aroma of sizzling fishcakes and the subtle fragrance of peach-flavored soju. You made a conscious effort to ignore the icy stares that people directed toward you.

Amidst the bustle of the festivities, your eyes caught a glimpse of a certain two people seated on one of the benches. Donghyuck appeared to be slightly drunk, and Ahryun was sitting right beside him. Ignoring any feelings of unease, you discreetly walked closer to where they were.

“I miss her so much. Nothing feels the same anymore without her,” Donghyuck blubbered. “I should’ve been there for her more and realized she was hurting.”

Ahryun reached out to tenderly hold his hand. “It’s not your fault, Donghyuck. (Y/n) made her own choices, and you shouldn’t be miserable because of her.”

She paused before gathering the courage to continue. “You know, I’ve liked you for some time now Donghyuck-ah.”

The boy’s expression shifted, caught off guard by Ahryun’s abrupt confession. He might be a little intoxicated, but his senses were still intact.

“I know how it sounds. But I liked you long before (Y/n) did,” Ahryun persisted. “And since you guys broke up I thought…”

“So what, you thought you could step in and replace (Y/n)? Is that it?” He started to question her intentions.

Ahryun’s eyes cried out with desperation. “I…I could be better for you than she was, Donghyuck. (Y/n) was just weak, unable to handle the challenges of being in a relationship.”

Donghyuck's eyes hardened, his protective instincts kicking in. "Aren't you her friend?" he asked. "Why are you talking about her like that?"

Ahryun's desperation heightened as she felt her chance slipping away. Ignoring his question, she leaned in closer, her voice now a seductive whisper. With a determined grip on his jacket collar, she tried to pull him closer to her.

"Donghyuck, if you just let me," Ahryun murmured, her voice filled with an unsettling mixture of desire and urgency.

That was when you reached your breaking point. The sight of Donghyuck and Ahryun, coupled with the flood of conflicting emotions inside you, became too overwhelming to bear. Slowly, you began to backtrack, stepping away from the scene that brought you so much pain. Each step felt heavier than the last as if the weight of your emotions was pulling you down. You turned in the opposite direction, determined to leave it all behind.

Just as you left the scene, Ahryun leaned closer to kiss Donghyuck. You missed seeing him push her away in outrage. He quickly stood up from the bench, his face contorted with anger and disappointment.

"Are you kidding me right now?" he exclaimed, his voice filled with disbelief. He locked his gaze with Ahryun, his eyes burning with a mix of frustration and disgust.

"Kang (Y/n) is the person for me," he declared firmly. "Not you or anyone else."

He left Ahryun feeling torn, with not even the slightest bit of sympathy. However, his path was interrupted when he spotted Jaemin standing nearby, his face filled with panic.

"Hold on, Hyuck," Jaemin spoke urgently, his voice quivering. "You need to know that (Y/n) saw Ahryun try to kiss you. She... she didn't look too good.”

Donghyuck took a step back, his heart sinking, and let out a frustrated curse. As if his night couldn't get any worse. "Where did she go?" he asked Jaemin, his voice tinged with worry.

As soon as Jaemin pointed him in the right direction, Donghyuck swiftly turned and hurried in the path you had taken. His heart raced as he desperately tried to catch up to you.

"(Y/n), wait!" he called after you.

Your body tensed at the sound of his voice and you froze in your tracks. The last thing you wanted was to see him right now. But Donghyuck wasn’t going to let you slip away so easily.

He approached you, his breath coming out in labored gasps. “Please, can we just talk?”

The pleading tone in his voice was what caused you to give in. Cautiously, you turned around to face him.

“What is it?” You were almost afraid to ask.

“Did you…did you know that Ahryun liked me?” He asked in disbelief. “Is that why you broke up with me?”

You looked at him, feeling lost and unsure of how to respond. Donghyuck sighed, closing the distance between you, his eyes filled with sincerity.

"(Y/n), I would have never gone to her. I never had any intentions of moving on or being with anyone else," he said earnestly. “You know that, right?”

There was a part of you that felt a glimmer of gratitude, knowing that Donghyuck still held feelings for you. It puzzled you how he could be so sweet, especially when you were the one who hurt him.

Feeling overwhelmed by your own guilt, you took a step back, distancing yourself from Donghyuck. Your voice trembled with a mixture of emotions as you spoke.

"Why are you being so kind to me? You should hate me.”

His eyes glistened with tears. “I could never hate you, Kang (Y/n). Please don’t think you’re unworthy of kindness or love.”

You felt a surge of frustration welling up inside you, pushing back against his words.

“No, I’m not,” You snapped.

Whatever had transpired between him and Ahryun didn’t matter. Despite Donghyuck’s reassurances, you still clung to the belief that you were damaged and broken. If he knew about your past, if he saw the scars beneath your sweater, he would never be able to love you.

Mumbling a quiet apology, you pushed past him, your mind clouded with self-doubt and regret. The weight of the evening bore down on your shoulders, and you couldn't help but blame yourself for stepping out into the world once again. Going to the festival now felt like a mistake, amplifying your insecurities and highlighting your perceived inadequacies.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter nine ~

Ahryun seethed with anger and resentment as she refused to accept Donghyuck's rejection. In her mind, she saw you as the sole obstacle standing between her and the possibility of being with him. The rejection fueled her bitterness and the desire for revenge brewed within her. All she yearned for was to witness you suffer once more, to see you hurt as deeply as she believed she had been hurt. It was time for people to see you for who you truly were.

The morning sunlight painted a gentle glow across the campus as you arrived for your poetry class the day after the festival. However, as you walked by, you noticed a peculiar shift in the way people looked at you as they passed by. Whispers filled the air, and bewildered gazes followed your every step. You wondered if Ahryun posted another rumor about you again. Had she secretly captured photos of you and Jaemin this time?

Feeling paranoid, you paused to take out your phone and quickly navigated the UniYeon site. As the page loaded, the color drained from your face when you were greeted by the headline post.

“‘Kang (Y/n)’s Horrific Past Exposed,’” someone read aloud as they scrolled through the article on her phone. The person walking with them peered over the person’s shoulder to get a better look.

“Wah, did she actually try to kill herself?”

No, no, no, this couldn't be happening. With trembling fingers, you clicked on the post, your heart pounding. As you scanned the text, it mercilessly revealed all the painful details about your past suicide attempt in high school. The weight of each word intensified your feelings of shame and vulnerability. And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there it was—the video capturing the haunting moment you ran into traffic, displayed at the bottom of the article.

You felt like you were reliving your trauma in high school, all over again. The piercing stares from those around you felt like a repeat performance, a mix of pity and judgment intertwined. There was only one other person in this university who knew about this incident. Min Ahryun.

Now the whole university was aware of what kind of person you were. Which meant that he knew too. Suddenly, the thought of attending your poetry class faded into the background. Overwhelmed with panic, your feet instinctively moved in reverse, and urged you to retreat.

▃▃▃

The second Donghyuck saw the UniYeon post, he abandoned everything else and set out to look for you. He sprinted to the location of your class, only to discover that you weren’t there. Panic consumed him as he realized that you must have left the campus.

Reading the post was emotionally excruciating for him. He couldn't fathom the depths of your anxiety and the overwhelming pain you must have experienced during that dark period. This had to be what you were trying to tell him that one night after you had cut your hand. He was angry with himself, thinking about how you have been suffering alone in silence this whole time.

“(Y/n)!” He pressed the doorbell, once he got to your apartment unit. When you didn’t come to the door, Donghyuck punched in the passcode to your door and let himself in.

You weren’t in the living room or the kitchen. So he darted over to your bedroom and was met with a closed door. He banged on it anxiously, calling out your name.

“Please, (Y/n),” He pleaded desperately. “Let me in.”

The sound of his voice barely registered, as you tried to collect yourself. It felt like all your fears were coming true. You just wanted all of it to go away.

Somehow, Donghyuck managed to break open the lock on your door forcefully and rushed into the room. The sight of you slumped on the floor, tears staining your cheeks, shattered him inside.

Donghyuck approached you carefully, kneeling before you. “(Y/n)...”

“You saw it, didn’t you?”

He nodded silently in response and tried to take your hand. But when you flinched in response to his touch, a look of suspicion crossed his face. His eyes searched yours, trying to understand the reason behind your reaction.

That’s when he glanced down and noticed the splotch of blood on your hand. His worry deepened, as he started to wonder about the desperate measures you had taken to deal with your pain.

Without saying anything, he reached again for your arm. You didn’t say anything this time and looked away when you felt your sleeve being rolled up. A deep sense of shame crawled up your throat as more tears blurred your vision.

Donghyuck couldn’t control the tears that cascaded down his cheeks when he saw your arm covered in angry red marks.

“(Y/n), why…?”

“I’m sorry,” you wept brokenly, “I didn’t want you to see me like this.”

In the next moments, Donghyuck pulled you into his lap, engulfing you in a tight embrace. Your fingers instinctively gripped onto his shirt as sobs escaped your lips. He never felt so powerless, hearing your heart-breaking cries and feeling your body tremble against his. Tears streamed endlessly as he held you close, silently sharing your anguish. All he could do was cry with you.

“I’m so sorry,” the boy fretted. “I didn’t know you were in this much pain. I wish I had known, (Y/n). I wish I could have been there for you when you needed someone the most.”

“There were so many times I wanted to open up to you,” you managed to utter through your messy tears. “But I was so afraid of losing you, Hyuck. I didn’t want to be a burden to you.”

Donghyuck, in response, leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to your temple. He stroked your hair softly.

"Oh (Y/n), you could never be a burden to me," he murmured, his voice filled with tenderness. His eyes glistened with tears as he looked at you, his heart breaking for the pain you had endured alone. "How could you ever think that? You mean the world to me.”

You wrapped your arms around him tightly. Your voice was muffled as you spoke into his hoodie. “I’m sorry, Donghyuck. I’m sorry for pushing you away and not letting you in.”

"It's okay," he cooed soothingly, his voice filled with compassion. He continued to rub gentle circles across your back, offering comfort and reassurance. "It's okay, babe. I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere.”

Once the both of you calmed down a bit, Donghyuck retrieved some medical supplies from your bathroom. You were surprised to learn how skilled he was at cleaning and bandaging wounds.

After he finished up, the two of you found solace in each other’s arms, spending the rest of the day in bed. Donghyuck listened attentively as you finally confessed everything that had been weighing on your heart. You didn’t detect even the slightest hint of repulsion from him. Witnessing how empathetic he was with you, allowed you to see that Donghyuck’s feelings for you were sincere.

The stormy gray clouds of despair gradually disperse, allowing rays of warmth and hope to seep into your heart. Your former friend had tried to tear you apart again. Everyone at the university knew your secret. Mentally, you were weaker than ever. But with Donghyuck by your side, you felt like everything was going to be okay.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ epilogue ~

In the coming days, Donghyuck and you walked hand in hand across campus. You chose to ignore the curious looks and hushed voices of speculations. The strength of your bond radiated in your intertwined fingers, symbolizing a resilient unity that could not be shaken by mere judgment.

“I just thought you should know,” Donghyuck said, glancing over at you fondly. “You look beautiful today.”

His flirtations still made you blush profusely, your cheeks tinged with a rosy hue as you subconsciously reached to hold the delicate crescent moon pendant around your neck. The necklace served as a reminder of the love and tenderness you found in each other’s presence.

Deciding you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of making you flustered, you playfully stopped walking and pulled the boy closer, surprising him with a swift yet passionate kiss. His lips met yours eagerly, his handing finding its place on your waist as the intimacy of the moment deepened. In that fleeting embrace, the world around you seemed to fade away, leaving only the warmth of your connection and the electric chemistry that sparked between you.

"I love you, Lee Donghyuck," you said confidently, your eyes filled with sincerity and affection, after pulling away from the kiss. Hearing you say those words first was rare, and it took him by surprise.

His gaze softened as he pressed his forehead against yours. "I love you too, (Y/n). More than you'll ever know."

The two of you might have faced some challenging obstacles. And you knew that life would continue to present its share of difficulties. However, you were certain now that the bond you had with Donghyuck was very much real and unbreakable. Knowing you were stronger together, you believed you could overcome anything.

─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─

#nct dream #nct 127 #nct dream fics #nct dream x reader #haechan x reader #lee haechan #lee donghyuck #haechan fic #kpop #nct dream angst #college au #nctzen #czennie #haechan scenarios

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frecklystars · 3 months

Note

Ok real life has been completely kicking my butt lately so I haven’t been able to respond to your answer to that ask I sent about the relationships between all the Ryan Gosling characters, but I really appreciate all the detail you went into and it was so fun to read! I’m sorry I have no energy to properly answer your reply questions (yet. I hope I do soon). Also I’m really happy for you for your earlier post where you said you feel like you’re making progress 🎉🐢

Hi there, sweetness!!!!! 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

I appreciate YOU even asking me such fun questions in the first place :D I always get such a big smile on my face when I see you in my inbox regardless of what the message is. You could literally just send one sentence like "I ate ice cream today 🐢" and I'd still be just as excited, I'd be like "OH HECK YEAH I HOPE IT TASTED DELICIOUS BRO WHAT KIND WAS IT???"

And!!! You are the sweetest!!! You never have to feel obligated to say anything back, I am just happy to hear from you. there's no obligation on your part to do anything that you don't have the energy for. I completely get it. If you want to answer my questions later when you're feeling better, that's great!! And if you don't get around to it, that's okay too!! I am just happy you're here 🥰🥰

I think it's really nice of you to send me questions at all! it was a helpful distraction for me to be able to sit and answer Ryan-related questions; I was having a difficult time that night but nice messages always help me feel better 😊 And it's even nicer of you to not only take the time to send me asks, but you even READ the responses?? slfdsdlhfdlksf I *RAMBLE* sooo much, especially when I get so excited, so!!! LOTS of respect to you for actually reading my novel-length responses hahaha!! Anyway thank you for taking the time to extend your kindness towards me, I feel very lucky that I have gotten to experience it, and thank you for saying such a nice comment about my post too omg that means a lot to me 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

Turtle anon, you are such a joy on this Hell Webbed Site™ and I hope you feel better soon. I am sending you lots of love and hugs and little colorful pastel stickers with glitter on them 🌈✨

Here, I made you a doodle of Ken giving you (or the turtle sobriquet version of you I have in my head) a hug because he wants you to feel better too!!!!! I hope that's okay with you :D

#anonymous #asks #🐢 anon #lil doodles

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koqabear · 4 months

Note

Hello, I am here to excitedly rave about Only You Darling and shower you in well-deserved compliments. Anybody else reading this, stop if you haven't read Only You Darling as there will be SPOILERS.

First of all, your writing is brilliant, I wish I could come up with plots like you do. I have so many fics that I start writing and then I don't know how to get from A to B or what should happen next and just give up.

I have read Only You Darling (and also What The Body Wants, the whole concept of that fic >>>) twice now, and I'm sure I'll read it again in the future. My first read was a wild ride, I was so invested, I thought what if it's Yeonjun and Beomgyu but nah, then I when Soobin came into the picture I was sure it was Soobin and then it was Beomjun! Every time I thought i had it figured out, you had me doubting myself. I loved all the twists and turns and the way I was so stressed after everything went down and the reader was living in that house, the imagery that you created was amazing. I have to say that it's the best fic I've read on this site. Hands down. I don't think I've read such a well planned and fleshed out fic in maybe a decade (not to show my age haha), after I was done reading I felt as if I'd just watched a movie. I don't even get through thriller novels, I always get bored with the pacing or the writing, but you had me in the palm of your hand.

I'm sure I have more thoughts, but right now they're just a blurred mess of excitement and awe. Thank you for sharing your work and making me excited about reading fics again. I am slowly making my way through the rest of your stuff, I'm sure I will be back to word-vomit on you about other stories in the future!

HAIIIIII HIHIHI OMG IM SOOOO SORRY I TOOK LITERAL MONTHS TO ANSWER THIS 😭😭😭🙁 i saw it and wanted to make sure that i had time to answer all your points but then i KEPT FORGETTING ABOUT IT 😭😭 but please know that i really appreciate feedback like 🫶🫶🫶 getting a review on oyd always makes me so happy and you really delivered with this

full response under the cut :]

AHHHHSJDBSKDB BUT THANK U OMG 💔💔 when i first started writing on here i’d neverrrr thought i’d be writing long fics so consistently… even 10k was a huge rare accomplishment to me akzbwkdjs,,, it takes time to really figure out what works and what doesn’t with writing methods but… i wish you the best of luck with all your wips and i’m sure you’ll be able to have a breakthrough someday with any you might be struggling on !!! i believe in you !!!

YOU’VE READ OYD TWICE. Oh… my heart T_T idk but like,, i’ve never really been able to grasp the concept that people actually.. reread my stories. That’s genuinely one of the most flattering things to hear in my opinion bc 😭😭 to hear that i’ve managed to write a fic that’s worth being read again is mind blowing to me algskldgh (also thank you !!! WTBW is forever near and dear to my heart <3)

It’s always so satisfying to hear that my attempts on tricking the readers were successful hehe :3 it was one of the major things i was worried about tbh,,, it took a lot of thinking on how i would introduce soobin’s character and how he would be involved, so im happy to hear that my work paid off ! and imagery was something that i learned was very important while writing oyd; it really makes or breaks a scene, imo. Especially in those final cabin scenes,,, AGH idk im so giddy to have it pointed out tho bc i do put a little extra love and effort into my imagery :3

AWWWWSLDKGHH UGH YOU’RE JUST. im gonna sob. The best fic.. dont say that to me im crazy 😭😭 but aggggh it makes me feel so appreciated and seen to read that you think it’s well planned like :(( i remember how much effort i put into that fic omg… that story is my baby im afraid

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to write such a sweet review, and im sorry i couldn’t respond to it sooner 😭 comments like these are sooo motivating and validating, i seriously can’t explain how happy it makes me <333

#this is the slowest ask responder i know #they get down #they dont play #fic: only you darling #rambles #koqabear asks

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voidaus · 3 years

Text

Final Goodbyes

Summary: Your a Youtuber and in a stream you see this pen-pal app and download it, creating an account. This all happened months ago. The guy you met on there was amazing, and you talked for months until he just... stopped.

Genre: Angst?

warnings: swearing, fighting

Requested? No

Word count: 1402

I believe everyone deserves a second chance. No matter how difficult things are. No matter how ugly things got. But maybe sometimes, the problem is that I believe too much. Seeing good in every person, while of course, some people are just... not good.

But that's not how this story goes. No, he is good. I am a hundred percent sure of that. The question is, 'is he willing to change and show that side of him?'. I guess we won't find out if I don't reach out to him huh?

The grey laptop is on my couch, still warm from the last time I used it just an hour ago. Grabbing myself some hot chocolate I lay down on the soft pillows and pull my blanket up to my chest. Whilst finally deciding I'm comfortable in this position I grab the laptop again and open it, typing in my password. The device starts up, letting me in.

"miaow" a soft purring comes from the ground. My cat, Athena, jumps on the couch as soon as I pat it. "Hey there gorgeous" I greet her. The laptop dings, making it clear that it's ready to be used. I give it my full attention again. Should I really open Zaira?

Zaira is an online penpal app where you can anonymously make friends. I signed up about 2 years ago and never really managed to find someone I really hit it off with. You know, I just couldn't find the words to talk to any of the people who messaged me. My anxiety not really helping with making friends, of course, I thought meeting them online would be easier. I was wrong.

No one understood me, which isn't really surprising. I'm a bookworm, but also a gamer. I have lots of hobbies but not quite the energy to pursue them. The only thing that still has me uploading videos and streaming is the money and my supporters. My supporters standing first on the list, of course. I upload mostly gaming videos under the name Void. I go faceless. I never really liked my appearance for that matter.

I hesitate but still open it. The familiar logo greets me and only a moment after that my only friend on the site shows up, bringing back memories.

Zaira? What's this? "An online penpal app where you can add strangers and make friends. Now free in the AppStore!" I read the description out loud for my viewers. "Should I download it guys?" I ask the live chat, hoping they would say yes. Soon enough I get the confirmation from them and I click the button, hoping it won't take too long to download. I create a profile typing in my bio: 'Bookworm, Gamer, Weeb :)' The chat confirms that that pretty much describes me making me laugh. "Perhaps we can actually meet some cool people on here guys! Who knows?""Alright." I scroll through the site, reading people's bios until one of them spots the fans' eyes. The comments are going crazy fast right now. "click them!""omg Void, you have to message Sasori!" and more comments like that. I click on the profile, reading it's bio. Their given name is Sasori Matsudo. I laugh, explaining to some of the viewers that don't watch anime that these are names from Naruto and Death Note. "I suggest you watch them. those are some good animes!".

I smile at the memories and click on his profile. "Sasori Matsudo" the name rolls off my tongue. I chuckle "not a weeb huh?" Slowly looking through the messages, the familiar empty feeling enters my body again. To be honest, it never left. Ever since the fight, it was always there, following my every step. I close my eyes, letting the painful memories flood in again.

"I just don't understand why you can't talk about it with me!" your voice is slightly raised as you hold the phone in your shaking hand. "Because I just can't, okay! I can't keep throwing all of my shit onto you. you know I could never do that!" The man you know as Corpse yells back. You're both stressed out and upset, and this is the worst fight you ever had. You had decided to message 'Sasori Matsudo' on Zaira, and you two grew close very quickly. After 4 months of chatting on the site, he gave you his number. Not long after, he told you That he's the famous Youtuber known as Corpse Husband. You began to watch his videos and enjoyed them a lot, telling him so. In the fifth month of you two knowing each other, You started to call each other once in a while. That turned into calling every day, and soon you were calling more than 4 hours a day.

Your voice softens at his upset tone, realizing you're not the only one hurt here. You give a deep sigh before talking into your phone again. "I'm always here for you Corpse. I don't care how many times you call me, even if it's in the middle of the night. You make me feel better, you make me happy, and I want to be there for you. Please don't shut me out like this." you're practically begging at this point. He can't shut you out! Not like this.

"Void... You know I love you. Please, keep doing what you're doing, keep making videos and baking, and all the little things I love about you. But I just can't continue doing this to you. I'm sorry." He speaks up. The low voice you adore so much is soft and trembling. He sounds like he could break down crying any time now. "No, please, Corpse! Please don't leav-"

your phone lets out a long beep cutting you off. Breaking down crying, you hurl your hand against your mouth, attempting to silence your sobs. On the other side of the line, the man with the curly black mop on his head is doing the same. Tears flow down both of your eyes as void fills your hearts.

It hurts, but he knows he had to do this. He was always troubling you with his feelings, and he couldn't even show you his face! What kind of friend is that? Loud sobs take over his apartment, as his heart hurts, knowing he can't talk to you again.

And he didn't.

You lay on the couch, clenching your blanket awfully hard. You don't notice the tears streaming down your face till Athena climbs onto your lap and licks them off. You cuddle her in an attempt to comfort yourself, as the dark feeling in your chest grows stronger.

You open a new tab and type in his number. All the old messages show up. He probably blocked you, but you have to try. He wanted you to be happy, but then why did he leave you?!

After that night, he never messaged you again. Did he really not want to talk to you anymore? You ask yourself.

But all Corpse has been doing is lay in bed and upload videos once in a while. His followers noticed something is off, and so has his friends. He's acting off whenever he streams and rarely jokes around anymore.

You text him a simple 'how are you' and close your laptop after. The next day you check if he's replied. Nothing. You keep checking for two weeks, but nothing comes in. It's over. He's not coming back. You begin sobbing and lift yourself from the couch, scaring a sleeping Athena. You jog to the kitchen and shove everything off the counter, breaking some cups and plates in the process. Sliding down against the sink, you put your face in your hands, letting out an ear-piercing scream. The weight of the world is crashing down on you, and all you can do is cry and scream. The daydream is finally over.

Corpse saw your message. He's tried messaging you so many times, but each time he holds himself back. All he wants is to talk to you, but he knows he shouldn't. Well, that's what he believes is best. Every day he thinks about you, thinking that you have already forgotten him, though it's the opposite. You think about him every day, remembering all of the memories.

All the laughs and all the cries. All the comforts, to final goodbyes.

Hey Guys! I hope you're okay after this lil angsty piece of crap lmao. I tried my best. Anyways, if you have any comments or feedback, I always appreciate it! Oh, and 200 notes on 'Grocery Shopping'?!!??? Y'all are crazy, thank you so much!

If you liked this, my taglist is always open and so are my requests!

@persephone-sideblog @reinyrei @cherry-piee @alienvarmint @divine-artemis @milanienne

#corpse husband #corpse x reader #corpse x y/n #corpse fic #corpse imagines #corpse #x reader #Y/N #imagine #corpse husband imagine #angst #corpse angst #softboiicorpse

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hoe-doroki · 3 years

Note

What’s ur favorite writing advice of all?

Ooh, such, such a good question, nonnie! And so impossible to narrow down to just one thing. But I’ll try to keep this brief.

This article has been helping me the most for the past year or so. It introduces some hard and fast rules about ‘show don’t tell’--which can be a benefit for practicing--but even just thinking about the ideas in less black and white terms helps me a lot. It gives actionable ways to fold these abstract concepts into your writing.

Another piece is from a creative writing class I took from college. It’s: ‘why today?’ Why are the events that are happening in your story happening right now? If you can’t answer that, then you might not have a strong enough motivation. In fanfiction, I also do like to consider ‘why this fandom?’ and ‘why this character?’. I don’t wanna throw just any character into a situation because they’re my fave. I want it to make sense for them and be an informed choice. I don’t want to ever write a fic where I could replace all the ‘Shoutos’ with ‘Izukus’ and have it make as much sense, you know? I want that specificity present.

This is a little more for longfics than short oneshots, but if things are unfolding too quickly/easily in your story, introduce a problem. Sometimes you need to look at a character, ask what the worst thing that could happen to them is, and make that happen. This solves half of pacing problems.

And the last thing I just want to say specifically regarding the writing community on this site is: don’t be afraid of self-indulgence. It’s not shameful. Self-indulgence leads to specificity and you’d be surprised who connects with you. My last sfw piece was so narrowly about me, but I still got multiple comments saying “omg, it’s like you’re in my head.” Don’t shy away--follow your impulses. Yeah, there’s a certain kind of fic that performs the best on tumblr, but to heck with that. That isn’t what brings me joy and I’m not going to put the majority of my time into writing that stuff, even if they get the most notes.

But, for the most part, I think the best advice usually has to come from something related to your writing. Random, broad stuff like this won’t always resonate as much as feedback that’s particular to your own work. So find a beta!

#I DIDN'T KEEP IT BRIEF #i mean really i did #i could have said so much more #i LOVE talking about process #thanks so much for asking me nonnie!!#please ask any and all questions like this!!#ask ana #writing #writing advice

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meetmeatthecoda · 3 years

Note

⭐ for Elysium 🏛️🏺

Ahhh, my dear Robot!! 🤖😍 Thank you so much for this, I'm so honored you want to know more about any fic of mine, let alone my fave Elysium!! 🏛️🏺(Love those emojis btw!! 😍) I shall make a bullet point list under the cut for your convenience 💙🤍

I remember I focused a lot on the beginning section, setting the scene with lots of description when it came to Liz's dress & the room itself. Even though the fic was set in a scene from an actual ep (7.09) so we all knew what the room looked like, I just really wanted to establish the feel of the space, that was super important to the tone of the fic I was imagining - brown & warm & indulgent.

Omg, flirtatious Red is at an 11 in this lmfao I liked the detail of him watching Liz swallow her drink just cause lol plus his completely nonchalant attitude when it comes to the actual objective of the undercover op & the fact that he's just 100% dedicated to being on a date with Lizzie.

Omg, the dance was so. much. fun. to. write 😏😏😏 I very much had the whole Liz-thinking-Red-is-leaning-in-to-kiss-her-but-he-moves-in-to-smell-her-and-brush-his-nose-along-her-neck-instead moment in mind prior to writing, that was a veryyyyy specific image I had for this fic & I lovedddd including it LOL

Liz's dress inspired the Grecian theme of this fic, which was only meant to be a dance for @theythinkimabitch, but once I thought of a Greek theme, I realized it was perfect since we both love Greek mythology, so I gave Red the pleasure of starting the analogy by commenting on Liz's dress cause, you know... he would & then Liz picks up the parallels from there & 🎶 I went overboard 🎶

I loved the idea of Liz saying it was hard to breathe up on that pedestal where Red has a habit of putting her, both bc it was a good reminder for him that she's human - not a goddess - but also bc I thought it was very "Red" of him to panic & think she was actually having trouble breathing LOL

And Red has to twirl her in their dance & of course he absolutely has to hold her there & give her a once-over at the same time, I mean come on

Liz is Persephone ofc.

I have many books on Greek gods & goddesses & I referred to them to make sure I was getting all the mythology right, just to be sure LOL

I loved the parenthetical that Liz wasn't "abducted from a field of wildflowers, so much as escorted to a black site in a helicopter." I thought that was cool.

And the fact that she doesn't want Red putting her on a pedestal, but also doesn't want to be the weak maiden in need of saving seemed very "Liz" & of course Red would never dream of it, bc he knows just how capable & bad-ass (canon) she is & he loves her for it 👌

When I was originally planning out the mythology for this, I obviously went with Red as Hades - Persephone's husband, perf - but then I had the thought of him also being Cerberus... but only for Liz. I think I was in the shower (I do spend time out of the shower btw, I promise, I just get good fics ideas in there lmfao) & just went HEYOOOOOOOOOO cause I loved that so much 😂

I'm very much in love with the idea of Red & Liz communicating non-verbally in undercover situations, so the idea of the lights going out as they did in the actual ep was SUPER INTRIGUING & of course I had to add a little thigh grabbing, I mean come on 😏

I also adored the parenthetical of Liz realizing she's the only one that can calm or sway Red - as Persephone does Hades - BUT it's not the control she relishes (*cough* like canon!Liz might *cough*) & she instead considers it a privilege. The distinction was important to me.

Red throwing his signature hissy fit - as he did in the ep, but this time x10 - over the safety of the owl bc honestly, he's not a monster while Liz sits there all heart eyes mf was something I desperately wanted to include cause... couple goals, honestly.

Also, the owl itself was a happy coincidence, as something that was already in the ep, bc I realized I could easily tie it into the Greek theme since owls are the sacred animal of Athena & Red clearly has the mind of a strategist, & when I figured out how to work that in I just went yessssssssssss

The fact that Liz knows to get up when Red turns the lights back off & finds his hand in the dark made my shipper heart happyyyyyyy

I wanted to give Liz a little extra shout-out as a capable agent - cause she is, especially after Red stole the spotlight with his whole owl tirade - so I was happy to include that she studied the blueprints of the building & knew where they were when Red didn't & of course Red was all 😍😍😍

And Red being weirded out by the owl was in the end of the actual ep as well, long after they escaped their undercover op, but it was such a cute little moment (James was so fucking cute about it omg I can't even & Megan/Liz had her heart eyes going again & Dembe was sketching the owl, like??? amazing) anyway, it was so cute in the ep that I knew I wanted that to be the thing that made Liz throw herself in Red's arms & finally make out with him lololol

And I threw in the Aphrodite reference cause it fit & at that point, it was just like... "ok, how many gods & goddesses can I actually fit in this fic??? 🤷🤷🤷 Let's see!!" 🥳😂

Also Red reminding Liz of Cerberus with his lil whine as she's kissing him made me tingly & warm so I had to include it 😏

And thennnnnn Liz pulling Red out of the labryinth (Ariadne & Theseus in the maze anyone???) was beautifully symbolic to me.

And lastly, the ending lines: "They’re no Greek tragedy. They’re going to be a legend." came as a surprise but I loved it. I vacillated between "triumph" & "legend" for the last word. I almost went with "triumph" just for the alliteration, but eventually stayed with "legend" cause it went better with the Greek theme.

Anddddd that's it!! 😁 Thank you so much for asking about my fave fic, Robot, I really hope you enjoyed this little BTS look!! 🥰 Much love to you always, my dear friend!! ❤️

Fanfic Writers: Director's Cut

#The Blacklist #Lizzington #fanfic #Elysium #ask games #fanfic writers: director's cut #mine #ask #my-robot-heart #hope you liked this my friend!!#:D #thank you so much!!#:)#much love to you!!#<3

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zmediaoutlet · 4 years

Text

in support of wildfire relief, @jesusonthetortillas donated $10, and requested pre-series pining!Sam, with diary discovery. Thank you for donating!

to get your own personalized fic, please see this post. (no longer taking prompts)

After his little lesson from Sabrina, the hot librarian's assistant, it's not hard at all for Dean to find what he's looking for. He drops Sam off at the library the way he usually does, and flirts with Sabrina on his way out like he usually does, but instead of going to his shift at the construction site like Sam thinks he's going to, he circles back around, through the library stacks on the main floor, and waits like a dingus by YOUNG ADULT – ADVENTURE, watching the back of Sam's nerdy, nerdy head where he's hunched at the computer banks, getting up to no kind of good.

It wouldn't have come to this, Dean thinks, if Sam weren't so—he doesn't even know how to think about it. He doesn't know when to pin it down. They were doing okay. Sam ran away, a few years back, but since then he's—well, he's always bitching at Dad and bitching at Dean half the time too, but he's done good in school, he's done his part with the hunting. It was sometime at that last school. September in Maryland. Dad was gone a lot of the time, because Dad always was, and Dean went with him on about half the hunts but Sam got to stay behind, got to just call in research tips and last-minute lore checks, and Dean thought he was pretty happy, as much as Sam ever seemed happy. Chill, just doing his homework at the rickety desk, not complaining any more than usual about Dean's usual dinners of fast food or Kraft or Top Ramen. Seventeen and getting tall and mellowing out, and finally hanging out with his little brother was just fine. Dean thought.

That was two towns ago, three months ago. Dean picks his nails with his pocket knife, leaning on one elbow by the Hardy Boys. Sam's still working away on the computer. Anymore he always is. After school he's always angling for Dean to bring him to the library and if Dean won't drive him then Sam walks, even when it's raining, like it is half the time in frickin Washington, anyway. Always finding a free computer and settling in and disappearing onto the internet. Not coming home until the library closes, and moody if Dean's there when he walks in, and Dean just—he thought they were past all this crap. He thought that maybe Sam had—settled. Figured out how things were, how things had to be.

Well. Either way. Sabrina, with the glasses and the sexy dreads and the legs that very much went all the way to the floor under those wide-legged pants she was always wearing—she gave Dean a computer lesson, free of charge, and he's got a way in, now. Sam won't talk to him, won't hardly look at him. Dean chews the inside of his cheek, watching Sam type on the battered public machine. Sam's not the only one who knows how to research a case, in this family. Dean's going to figure this out. He's gonna fix it.

A bell rings, at five o'clock, like the end of a school day. Sam jerks like he's been shocked and looks up at the ceiling, clearly annoyed. He's been engrossed for two hours, typing away, reading. Real frickin' boring, on Dean's end, but he stayed put. Like staking out a house for a job—nothing to do but wait. He takes a few steps backwards, makes sure the shelves hide his face, and there's a general rustling as people leave—a mom and her kid, and tears because the kid's favorite book wasn't here—and when Dean looks again the computer banks are empty, and Sabrina's checking out the last few patrons, and Sam's—gone. Walking home in the rain, little goth that he is. Fine with Dean, if it gives him a few minutes.

When he settles into the chair Sam was in it's still warm. He opens up Netscape Navigator, the library's homepage welcoming him in a friendly kinda way—big yellow smiley face, that's fun. He goes to where Sabrina taught him, in the menu at the top: view, and then History, where it turns out the computer saves all the webpages you went to just in case you need to find them again, and there—oh, jackpot. Gotcha, Sam.

All kinds of crap. A weather website, a bunch of Ask Jeeves searches, something called DiffEQandU. Some mythology stuff, too, and Dean goes to one that turns out to be a history of kitsune. That's something, at least—Sam doing his important homework, in there with whatever other crap he's been working on.

The last bunch of results are all pages from some website called Livejournal, which Dean's never heard of. He clicks one at random and is brought to—huh. A splashy red page, with a big picture on top of kids graduating from high school in those dorky blue robes. He scrolls down, skimming, looking for the important details among the mess, but it's hard to tell what it is. A forum, it looks like. Kind of like the ones Dean's been on where people trade car parts, or swap ghost stories. A square box, dated yesterday, that says WHEN IS HARVARD'S APP REVIEW???, and a panicky paragraph where some chick might die if she doesn't get in. Another, the day before, with questions about the SAT, and a link that says 43 comments that, when Dean clicks it, brings him to a bunch of apparently teenagers all giving each other tips from some test they're worried about taking.

College. Dean's stomach curls into a knot. It's all—college stuff, applications and tests and deadlines. The usernames are all weird shit: tmntpizzadelivery, quistis4ever, willyshakes. Dean can't tell—is one of these kids Sam?

Sabrina's nearly done with her line of book nerds. Dean rubs a hand over his mouth and clicks away, tries another of the Livejournal results in the history. Another forum, this one apparently about—soccer? Jesus, Sam. Another forum, this one about Conan the Barbarian, and that one's at least easy to snort at, with people's shitty drawings of Red Sonja and excitement about a possible remake. There are personal pages, though, too—one titled Delaware Sucks, in which some girl complains about her life—one titled trent reznor rules my soul, featuring a goth kid who won't shut up about Nine Inch Nails and his bitch of a mother. Another, with a plain blue-and-grey color scheme, with the title on the road, and a new post from today—from an hour ago—with the text just reading, I don't know what to do anymore, and six comments underneath, waiting.

"Hey—ready to go?" Sabrina says.

Dean jerks in his seat. Sabrina's raising her eyebrows at him, behind her glasses, a little smile curving her mouth that promises something a little better than book dust and computer lessons. "I'm always ready," Dean says, grinning, and gets her to roll her eyes—yeah, he's in there—but his eyes drag back to the webpage, the posts. He scrolls down, quick—post after post, waiting to be read. "Real quick—borrow a pen?"

She has one—she's a sexy librarian, of course she has one—and he uncrumples a receipt from his jacket pocket and writes down the URL, careful to get it right. rearviewmirror.livejournal.com. He wants to click on the comments, but.

"Come on, the movie's starting soon," Sabrina says, and Dean closes Netscape, folds the receipt very carefully into his pocket, stands up. He's got a date to make out with a hot chick in the back of a movie theater, and maybe a little more, and Sam's whole Eeyore routine has to take a number. Dean will figure it out. He's got an easy way to run a stakeout, now.

December 4

Still can't decide. Anyone else going through this?

current mood: agonized current music: motorhead (AGAIN)

Comments:

teenagehamburger: Yes!! I still don't know where I want to go. Mom wants me to stay close to home, but Delaware sucksssss. Where are you looking?

�� rearviewmirror: Anywhere. TBH I'm still not even sure I should apply.

teenagehamburger: WTF?? Of course you should!! College is the big escape, remember?

December 1

He's driving me INSANE

current mood: annoyed current music: motorhead (again)

Comments:

bloodofreptile: lol you got it bad

rearviewmirror: right now I just want to hit him with a brick, actually

teenagehamburger: LOL!! Sorry :( :(

rearviewmirror: Sigh. I guess it could be worse, right?

teenagehamburger: Definitely!! He could be the cute cheerleader from 4th period who doesn't know I exist….

coppertonebuttgirl: oh, sorry hammie, that sucks <3

November 29

The thing is, I don't even want anything crazy? I just want to be—me. Just me, without anyone breathing down my neck. Trig teacher says I could get in to one of the top ten, but I just want to go *anywhere that's not here*

current mood: restless current music: Pearl Jam (home alone!)

Comments:

bloodofreptile: i hear you lol. why don't they get that the rules and hovering and all that shit just makes us want to run faster?

rearviewmirror: Exactly! My teacher keeps talking about college like it's a place to expand your mind and stuff, and that's fine, but lately I just want to expand my horizons. Kind of ironic?

bloodofreptile: yeah lol haven't you lived like everywhere?

rearviewmirror: Feels like it.

teenagehamburger: Is You Know Who going to college too?

November 18

I feel like it shouldn't be this hard. Normal people have it easy.

current mood: indescribable current music: silence

Comments:

coppertonebuttgirl: feel free to talk to me anytime <3

November 3

Dad's gone again. Didn't say goodbye. We went to the movies and he gave me a beer, and we watched the stars for an hour in the parking lot even though it was freaking freezing. Happier than I've been in a while. Don’t want it to change but it has to change.

current mood: current music:

Comments:

teenagehamburger: OMG, that sounds so romantic?? I can't believe you were drinking!! Aren't you underage?

bloodofreptile: lol relax it's not a big deal

teenagehamburger: I'm just saying!!

coppertonebuttgirl: wish it wasn't hard for you <3

bloodofreptile: dude you've got to say something

rearviewmirror: I literally can't.

bloodofreptile: ok but it's gonna drive you crazy. do you even know if he's gay? start with that maybe

The posts go on, and on. Reading backwards through time, it's a strange piecing-together. rearviewmirror is active in about ten communities and Dean reads through all of them, that week, bringing an illicit cup of coffee in to the library when he doesn't have a construction shift. He reads with his hand over his mouth and by the time he has to get off the computer he's got a headache, every time, his throat dry and aching.

The journal's been active for six months. Dean clicks through the pages to the very start and reads it in the right order, his heart pounding oddly in his ears. I don't know what this place is. A journal, I guess, considering the name. I just need somewhere to talk where no one will listen.

It's not a pouring-out, like some teenage girl doodling hearts around her crush's initials. He holds back. Never says exactly where they're living, never mentions names. To figure out who it was, you'd have to be one of two other people, and Dean knows that Dad can barely turn on a computer, much less go onto the internet and pore over some teenage angst-fest. Dean spends half his time wishing he were the same. Maybe if he hadn't asked Sabrina for help.

At home, Sam's the same as he always is. Comes home after his own stint at the library, eats the dinner Dean gives him. He reads, most of the time. Does his schoolwork. Dean says, careful one night, "Hey, True Lies is on. Wanna watch?" but Sam only gives him a strange, uncertain look and says, "No, I have a paper due," and he shuts himself into their bedroom with the door very firmly closed, and Dean sits there on the couch alone with a beer and Jamie Lee Curtis being sexy as hell on the fuzzy TV, and he—he doesn't know what to do.

He remembers that day, the looking at the stars day. It was November 2. A nasty anniversary, in their family, and yeah, Dad left. Dean got it. He'd thought Sam did, too, by now. It was better to have Dad gone, on a hunt, than trying to drink himself to death at home in the apartment. At least he was working, that way, and not hurting himself. To distract both of them, Dean picked Sam up from the library and they went straight to the movie theater—the Blair Witch sequel, with Dean providing running commentary about how dumb they were about dealing with ghosts, which at least made Sam grin and elbow him to shut up, even if he was laughing too, the liar—and, yeah, afterward they'd picked up Taco Bell, and then after that Dean swung through the liquor store drive-thru and they parked out, and he let Sam have a beer, and they both sat on the trunk and leaned back against the cold glass or the rear window and didn't really talk, much. The stars, big above them. The night, quiet. Sam was pressed against his side, chilled out and not bitching about anything, and Dean tucked his hand behind his head and he was pretty content with the world, right then. His brother, here, and a six-pack waiting, and nothing happening right then that'd hurt them. Sam smiled at him, that night, before he went to bed. It was sweet—like he used to be, when he was little—and Dean had ended up falling asleep on the couch, watching the public access, but his dreams that night were—good, like they never were on the night of November 2, and it had felt… okay.

do you even know if he's gay?

The college prep—that wasn't a surprise. It hurt but it didn't shock. All his worrying, all his whining, wanting to be 'free'—whatever free meant—it was all part and parcel of the last decade. Dean should've known better. Sam wasn't mellowing out. Sam was a stubborn little shit and he'd always wanted to have a life that wasn't—this.

The gay thing. That hit different. One of the communities Sam followed was for lesbian and gay youth, talking about their coming out experiences. Sam didn't post there much but he commented, asked questions. How do you know? What does it feel like? The hamburger girl was from there, a lesbian chick trapped in some Delaware high school. Encouraging, commiserating. They talked about how college would be their big escape, their chance to go to a big city and find their way. Meet people. Only apparently hamburger girl was crushing on the cheerleader from fourth period, and Sam—

Dean makes an excuse the next day. Saturday: no work for Dean, no school for Sam. Alone in the apartment together, all day, after Dean's week of reading—he can't face it. "Where are you going?" Sam asks, eight a.m. with his hair fucked up and coffee clenched between his hands, and Dean looks at him in his pajama pants and his ratty hand-me-down shirt, skinny and tall and hiding things Dean can't handle, and he says, snappish in a way he doesn't mean to be—"Out, Sam, for christ's sake—" and sees Sam's expression shutter before the apartment door slams behind him.

He goes for a drive, out of town. Cold, threatening rain like it always is, but it won't snow. Out—past the airport, past the suburbs, out to Black Lake. They killed the nymph that was drowning people out here, him and Dad, when they first arrived. Sam stayed home. Sullen on the other end of the line when Dean called to say they'd finished the job, and they were getting burgers for dinner, and did Sam want one. Whatever, Sam had said, like even answering was an imposition. That was November, too.

He sits on the hood, heels braced on the bumper, arms locked around his knees. The lake looks cold. He wants to sink into it, wants to feel that freezing shock, like the polar bear dive he did on a dare back in Illinois. The way the brain just goes blank, tv-static filling up everything and washing all the shit away. All the weird crap you don't want to think about, frozen, and the only thing to focus on just—getting out.

He's not going to dive into the lake. It's nine in the morning and he's wearing his only pair of boots. He hasn't gone out with Sabrina all week. He's been piss-poor at the construction site and McMillan nearly brained him with a hammer yesterday, because Dean wasn't paying attention, and the foreman screamed at him in front of the whole crew. None of that feels close, right now. He breathes the wet-clogged air, cold and mossy, turning his ring restlessly on his finger.

Back at that high school they went to in Raton, Mrs. Encinas in 6th period English told Dean he'd be smart, if he didn't just give up all the time. All he needed to do was take the time to read between the lines, to actually interpret what he was reading and not take things on face value. He made some joke. He doesn't remember what it was, now. Like he didn't know what the fuckin Great Gatsby was saying, when he hoped and hoped and never got what he wanted. When happiness always felt like it was about a thousand miles away, on the other side of a lake he couldn't cross, and hope went out like a snuffed light. Dean can read what's not there. He's done it his whole life.

The problem: Sam's little online journal went back six months. They've lived in four towns, in that time. He never uses names, never puts up anything that'd really identify him. They were in Maryland, August-September-first of October, and it was a comment right at the end of August, on the community for gay kids, talking to the hamburger girl: I like someone, too. He doesn't know. He. The same he that carried forward, through all his journal entries, from Maryland to Washington across whole breadth of the country. He likes classic rock. He drives me nuts. He gave me a beer, and I wanted—

Dean curls forward over his knees, sliding his hands into his hair, breathing hard between his knees. He can read between the lines and he wishes that he couldn't. He wishes—god. What? That Sam would just meet a nice girl and fuck her and get it out of his system? Except how he was writing, it wasn't like it was new. It was something he'd been thinking about. When did you know? had read one of the forum posts, and in the responses, among all the dumb teenage crap about formal dances and jerking off to the wrong person in the music video, there was a comment by username rearviewmirror that said, I broke my leg and he carried me to the car and I wanted to kiss him.

Sam broke his leg in July, the summer he turned fifteen. He'd been trying to stay quiet but he'd had this trapped whimper in his throat that he couldn't stop, and Dad had stayed behind to cover their backs and it had been left to Dean, to scoop Sam up, his whole body quivering with the shock—to hug him close between the trees, humid Georgia night making every place their skin touched slick with sweat—to let Sam cling to his neck, shuddering, and to put a hand on his back and whisper, hey, Sammy, it's not even that bad, huh? no bone sticking out, you did good. we're gonna get you a cast and I'm gonna draw you a great picture, okay, Cindy Crawford with her tits out, right there on your shin and Sam had been so shaky that his laugh sounded like he was crying, but he'd nodded against Dean's neck and chattered out sounds cool, Dean, and when Dean got him to the car Sam hadn't wanted to let him go—so they crawled into the backseat together, Sam still half in his lap and with his arms still tight around Dean's neck. Dad got into the front and frowned at Dean in the rearview, and Dean nodded, and when the car leapt forward Sam gasped and gripped at Dean's shirt when his leg got jostled, and Dean put his hand in Sam's hair and said, it's okay, you're okay, and Sam—wanted to kiss him.

He can't square it. It's like there's some twinned version of his brother, in this place Dean never knew existed. All these secrets he's been hoarding, this other person he's been. These wants that make him a stranger.

He goes back home with stuff for lunch around noon. Sam's reading, in the bedroom. "Got pb&j or grilled cheese," Dean calls, down the shotgun kitchen through the thin-carpeted hall, and Sam calls back, "I'm not hungry," which is a goddamn shit of a lie. He grows like an inch a day, he's never not hungry. Dean braces his hands on the counter and counts to five, in his head. He puts the bread away, and puts the cheese in the fridge. He goes into the living room and turns on the TV and it's college football, which is boring as hell, but it fills the apartment with noise. He wishes Dad were home. He wishes he were hunting.

The Huskies lose. Sam hasn't come out of the room, as far as Dean can tell. He's had—four beers? He looks at the table. Five. It's getting toward dark and it's raining, a-fucking-gain, and Dean's still wearing his jacket and his boots and his ears are cold, because the heater in here sucks, and he's shredded the label of the beer everywhere, everywhere. He brushes it off his knees and that just means it's gonna get ground into the shit-brown carpet, but—who cares. He's got other things on his mind.

He gets the last beer out of the fridge. Should've bought more. "Got some spare cash," he says, to the dark hall. There's a halo of light around the half-closed bedroom door. "Thinking pizza for dinner."

Silence.

Dean pushes the beer bottle against his forehead. "C'mon, Sam. It's not going to kill you to prefer pepperoni or sausage. Just say something."

"Doesn't matter," is the response.

Dean squeezes his eyes closed, slams the bottle down to the counter. It's four steps to the bedroom and the door flies open under his palm. "Just fucking say," Dean says, and Sam's looking at him with big eyes, curled up on the twin bed with his back up against the wall, books spread open all around him. Homework, of course. "Just say it, okay? What do you want?"

Sam stares at him. "I don't care! Get—whatever, pepperoni. Jeez, what's up with you?"

"Sure you don't want sausage?" Dean says, kind of nasty, and Sam frowns, shakes his head. Goddamn it. Dean drags a hand over his face, sags against the door frame. He's—a little dizzy. Oh—okay, so maybe he should've eaten, sometime since this morning. "Damn it, Sam," he says, his stomach twinging.

"What?" Give him this—maybe he's sneaking around, maybe he's lying about half his life, but Sam doesn't shrink back from an argument. He's still in his pajamas. He shoves his notebook away, lifts his chin. "What?"

"Been doing some reading," Dean says, and watches Sam's face scrunch disbelievingly. "Rearviewmirror? You don't even like cars."

It's weirdly satisfying to watch Sam blanch. He's been so unaffected the last little while it's almost a relief to get a real reaction. His mouth parts, his eyes go big. He stares at Dean in total silence except the rain drumming on the roof, and then he says, "That's—private."

"Not that private," Dean says. "You're putting shit on the internet for any asshole to read, Sam. It's not a pretty princess diary with a sparkly lock."

Sam's face is white. He licks his lips, his back rigid against the wall. "How did you—you never—"

"I know how to use a friggin computer," Dean says, and watches Sam close his eyes. "So? Got a lot to say to a bunch of strangers. Might as well say it to me. I mean, I'm your brother, right? Family."

It comes out hard but his voice cracks, on the last word. He swallows and some of the anger dissipates. Sam's jaw flexes and he tucks his hands behind his neck and his knees drag in, like defense. Like he needs defense. Against Dean. Like it's Dean who's wrecking things.

Dean's legs go out from under him. He sits down. Right there, in the doorway to the bedroom, the frame hard against his spine. The rain's loud and he doesn't—what is there to say? "You should've told me."

That's really it. Sam looks at him. Disbelief. "How?" he says, and Dean tips his head back against the wall, looks at the popcorn ceiling, says, "I don't know, it's not my damn secret. But you should've."

"Yeah, that would've gone great," Sam says, sarcastic.

Silence. The rain. Dean drags his hand over his face again, clears his throat. "So. You're—queer." For some reason it seems like the simplest thing to start with.

Sam snorts. "I'm not, like, jerking off to JC Chasez," he says, bitter.

"Who?" Dean says, but shakes his head. "God, whatever. Jesus, Sam, I can't—don't talk about you jerking off. You're not—you don't date chicks, either. Ever. So you're—"

"I don't know," Sam says. Kind of firm. Dean closes his eyes to not look at him. "I don't know, okay? But that's not what—" Pause, while he drags in a breath that's audible across the room. Dean curls over, his forehead between his knees. It's too big to hear. Sam blows out air. "You read the whole thing?"

Frail. Cobweb soft, like if Dean breathed too hard it'd break. Dean folds his hands over his head. "I read the whole thing," he says.

"Don't—" Sam says, quick, and cuts himself off. Dean can't stand it—he looks, peeking up, and Sam's made himself small, there at the head of the bed. His mouth is small, his lips between his teeth—his eyes, big and scared. "Dean. I wouldn't—I swear. I wouldn't—"

"Kiss me?" Sam flinches like from a raised fist, when Dean's all the way over here. Dean licks his lips, dropping his hands so they dangle useless between his knees. "Or, what. Leave? Either way it's pretty fucked up, for me, Sam."

"Oh my god," Sam says, very quietly, and—christ. Looks like he's gonna cry.

"Sam," Dean says, and no matter how pissed he is, that's not—Sam fights back. Sam always fights back, he's frickin' annoying that way. He's not supposed to crack like this. Dean rolls up to his knees and Sam's looking away, neck craned unnaturally so that his face is pointed at the broken-blind-covered window so that Dean can't see, but Dean can—Dean can see his teeth so hard in his lip that the skin there's white, and his chest shaky, and his fist clenched in the thin fabric of his pajama bottoms, and, and—"Sammy," Dean says, again, and Sam's eyes close and there is—shit, shit, a tear, running fast out of the corner of his eye, streaking down his cheek so quick that if Dean could blink he might've missed it.

Dean's gut hurts, like he took a punch from a werewolf and he's gonna be bruised for the next three weeks. He doesn't have anything to say to make it better, not when it's this screwed up. This isn't Sam bitching about Dad or whining about crossbow practice or pouting about a move. Sam's been thinking about this for two years and he's managed to talk about it with people, online at least. Dean's coming at it with a week's slow raw realization and he doesn't know how to make it—not how it is.

He gets over to the bed, on his knees. Sam won't look at him, like the view of nothing through the blinds is the most fascinating thing in the world. There's a wet shining trail, down his cheek to his jaw. A damp circle on his t-shirt. Dean says, because he can't think of what else to say, "You really—you want—" and even then, can't articulate it. A kiss. Sex. A kind of close they've never been. He says, slower, "Is that why you want to go?"

Sam drags in air. Sounds like it hurts.

Dean drags his teeth over his lip. There are books all over the bed. He pushes them away, and Sam's notebook. He pushes up—knee on the mattress, and sinking down to his hip, and Sam's close enough to touch, now, and he jerks and looks at Dean like he's an alien. A ghost. Something that can't be real, only they both know that it is. Dean touches Sam's hand, fisted there in his pants, and Sam jerks again, his stiff shoulders back against the wall, and he shoves Dean's hand but no matter the crazy growth spurt Sam's been having Dean's still stronger, still has the reach—he grips Sam's wrist and yanks, gets him off balance, and then he's right inside Sam's grapple and has his hand flat on Sam's chest, pressing him harder against the paint, and Sam stares at him wild-eyed with his breath both fast and deep and Dean leans forward and presses their mouths together. It's a bad kiss—he barely hits on center, and Sam freezes—but there's the touch of warmth, Sam's lips—soft—and the shocked air hitting Dean's face—and Dean drags in breath through his nose and resettles, fits his mouth to Sam's soft open lower lip and makes it better, his head tipping, easy pressure there, just the faintest amount of suction so that when he pulls back a millimeter there's a little smooch sound, and that makes it—real.

He kissed his little brother. No getting around that. No pretending. His nose brushes Sam's cheek and Sam's not really breathing, and Dean—fuck, Dean does it again, pressing in and letting Sam's wrist go so that he can get a hand on Sam's jaw, tipping him so it's good. Sam makes a tiny noise and breathes out hard against his mouth, and when Dean kisses him for a third time Sam meets it, his lips moving finally out of that still shock, his fingertips brushing Dean's arm all careful, his heart pounding under Dean's hand.

Dean pulls back. An inch between them—not enough but all Dean can seem to manage. He swallows. His lips are tingling, and his eyes are closed and he doesn't want to open them, and his fingers—jesus, he's got them tangled in Sam's hair like Sam's some easy hot chick he's picked up at a dive bar, pressing her up against the wall in the bathroom hallway, knowing how the night's going to end.

"We can't," Sam says. Sam. His voice, steady and familiar. "We—Dean. This isn't—"

"No," Dean says, god knows why. He pulls back, though—pulls his hand out of Sam's hair, stands up. His legs wobble for a second. He has to open his eyes and so he drags in a breath and does, and Sam's sitting there with his shoulders high and tight and his hands fisted on his knees and his hair a little fluffed on one side, a little screwy. His mouth parted and his eyes—fixed on Dean's face, looking all over it. Like he's memorizing a trail map, for an unknown stretch of land.

"I'm drunk," Dean says. It's not true. Five beers—he's buzzed but he knows what he's doing. Sam doesn't contradict the lie. "Acting nuts. Sorry, Sam. I—"

"I want pepperoni," Sam says. His face isn't white anymore. He's flushed, dark pink in the hollows of his cheeks. His eyes are dark, wide and fixed on Dean, and there's still that shining trail on his cheek but it's drying. "Order from that place on Melrose. Garlic knots, too."

Dean backs up a step, pins on a smile. "What, you think I'm dumb? Like I wouldn't get knots," he says, and Sam doesn't smile but he nods, brief and fast like Dean's picking up a play in some con they're running, and Dean snaps a finger-gun at Sam—fuck, what is he doing—and turns out of the room, says—"Okay, dinner in thirty minutes or less or your money back!" and walks through the kitchen and out into the living room and out the front door, and closes it behind himself, and leans against it and stares blindly out into the rain, the setting sun still sparking some tiny golden bit of light out to the west, past the horizon.

He licks his lips and tastes salt, not his own. Sam's hand, on his arm—skimming, brushing light through the thickness of his jacket. Like he wasn't sure he'd be allowed to really touch. He drags in the rain-soaked air. He'll drive, to get the pizza. He'll drive, and he'll give Sam time. When he gets back he'll offer Sam half the pie and a beer, and there'll be some movie on TV that Sam probably won't want to watch, but maybe he will. They'll be—brothers. Dean knows how to do that. It feels like it's all he's got left.

It's—not easy but it's not all that hard, either. There's a brutal week where Dean's torn between walking on eggshells and wanting to wrestle Sam to the ground, and Sam goes perfectly silent—not pouty withdrawal or furious silent-treatment, but as still and quiet as though he's not even there. Dean can't bear it. It takes Dad coming home to break it—Dad, and christ, when he calls to say he's coming back Dean completely freezes and his mind fills up with—with—but then Sam looks at him and takes the phone out of his hand and says, his mouth's full—what's up? and after that it's like things… settle. It's not okay but it's livable.

rearviewmirror.livejournal.com goes quiet. Dean checks, occasionally, over the months that pass. When he's looking up some random piece of lore for Dad, when they're hunting alone and Sam's stuck back at whatever shitty hotel they stored him at, and Dean's on research duty because Sam's in high school and can't answer his phone. Dean types in the address and checks, and it's still that last post. Anyone else going through this? He hopes, sincerely, not. It's too fucked up for anyone else to bear. At least the Winchesters have practice.

They run PT. Sam does his homework. Dean watches TV. Hunting focuses things. There's stuff to kill and people to save and things aren't falling apart any more than they ever are, so—Dean deals.

Sam leaves.

It's January. Dean's in a library, alone. Dad's working a job north of Boise and he sent Dean down to Wendover to take care of a haunting, and Dean's done and Dad called and said two more days and there's this raw wounded spot where Dean should be able to turn, to look over his left shoulder and say—but it's empty there, and so he's in a library.

Sam started posting again, when he got to school. Small stuff. That he was sorry for the long break. That he'd ended up at a university after all. The hamburger girl doesn't respond anymore but the Nine Inch Nails boy does: thought you were dead, he says, no-caps like he's so goddamn cool, and Sam says, Just working some stuff out.

Sam likes his professors. He plays pick-up soccer with some of the guys from his dorm. His roommate snores. He doesn't listen to music at all. There's nothing—real. There's none of the sadboy shit, nothing about what he's feeling, no pondering of what it all means. He picks up a few different Livejournal friends, clearly people from his classes, who crack jokes about Ancient Civ and Linear Algebra. He joins a community focused around civil rights litigation. He might as well not be there.

Dean reads it all. If Sam's not calling then Dean's gonna check in whatever way he can. When Sam left Dean made sure he had at least one good knife in his bag and he said don't forget the salt when Sam hiked his backpack onto his shoulder, and Sam snorted and looked at him like a gunshot but he nodded, and Sam's not dumb, he knows how to take care of himself, but. Dean's the big brother, here. He's within his rights, to check and make sure baby bro's not being a dumbass.

January and it's fuckin cold, in Wendover, but the library's too warm. Dean keeps his coat on anyway, scrolling through the comms. He's kinda turning into an expert, navigating the pages, recognizing the shorthand. He hasn't made an account. Doesn't know why he would. He finishes his scan of the comms Sam's part of and doesn't really see any relevant posts, and no comments from rearviewmirror that he can find. He chews his cheek and goes back to the main page, thinking—okay, he can get out of here. Beer and dinner, and finding a motel that doesn't look toxic, and waiting for Dad to call. Not the worst night he could have. He refreshes, one last time, just in case, and there's a new post. He reads:

January 23

Done with class for the week. Feeling restless.

current mood: current music:

Comments:

lawblog69: we should go out!!

bloodofreptile: go get laid

Dean snorts. At least the NIN kid is consistent. He refreshes again and there's a new comment.

bloodofreptile: go get laid

rearviewmirror: Not really in the cards.

He takes a breath, sitting there at the computer bank. It's quiet in here—the good people of Wendover aren't much for the library, apparently—but he feels like someone's right there. Like he could reach out and touch, when it's just words on a glowing screen. Still—the speed of the comment—Sam's… sitting there. Right now, on a computer in Palo Alto, looking at the same thing Dean is.

He refreshes.

bloodofreptile: go get laid

rearviewmirror: Not really in the cards.

bloodofreptile: still holding onto that? very hufflepuff. how long has it been?

rearviewmirror: my whole life

Dean presses his knuckles to his lips, hard enough that he can feel his teeth pressing back. Jesus, Sam. He refreshes—another comment, from coppertonebuttgirl, agreeing about the restlessness but apparently she's off to a date with her boyfriend, and Sam responds and says sounds nice :), and jesus, Sam, Dean thinks. Off to have the big college experience like he wanted so bad, off to have that new shiny life, and after five months away he's still all sadsack, still not actually living.

He clicks the comment box. He types, unaccountably mad. He hits submit, and gets a warning that it'll show as anonymous. He waits, and refreshes, and reads:

Anonymous: Just go hit a bar. Live a little. Thought you were supposed to be smart, college boy.

rearviewmirror: Since when does smart have anything to do with it?

Dean rolls his eyes. He can hear Sam's voice saying it, nettled and trying to sound like he isn't.

Anonymous: You're on here mooning after Cindy Crawford when Claudia Schiffer and Tyra Banks are out there in the real world. Have a beer, get over it.

A pause. Dean has to refresh twice. The librarian walks by with her cart of books and gives him a distracted smile, and Dean's so addled he doesn't actually process and then return it until she's already gone.

rearviewmirror: I don't think it's something you get over. It mattered. It still does, to me.

Dean chews his thumbnail. Sam's face, turned unnaturally, looking out that window at the rain. The wet track, on his cheek.

Anonymous: Matters enough that you're never going to move on?

rearviewmirror: I didn't think you could move on from family. Maybe I was wrong.

The air goes out of Dean's chest. He turns away from the computer, entirely, swiveling the chair so he's looking out at the lonely bookshelves. He flexes his jaw and swivels back around. Hits refresh.

The thread of comments is gone. He blinks, confused. He doesn't think he was hallucinating—been a while, since he was that tired and drunk. But—oh—in its place, a single comment, under the brief conversation with the NIN kid:

rearviewmirror: Tell me if it's you.

Dean licks his lips. He closes out of the browser, picks up his notepad and keys. On the steps outside it's cold, cold, fucking cold, and this town is bleak. He walks down to the Impala, waiting there in the iced-over grey snow, and braces his hands on the hood, and blows out a long purling winter-dragon breath, and then fishes his phone out of his pocket. Another new phone, but he's got Sam's number memorized, and he almost calls before he chickens out. If it's not actually wanted—he imagines that conversation and he's just not constitutionally capable, right now, of facing how goddamn awkward it'd be.

He texts: It's me.

The response, after seconds: Where are you?

The shitty part of Utah. That's saying something. Easier, like this. Like it's not him kicking down a doorway right into Sam's head.

I don't have class tomorrow.

Could be random, if he didn't know who he was talking to. Dean leans his elbows on the hood of the car, looking at the little box of black-and-white text. He chews his lips and thinks. Before he can respond, another message:

I don't want to move on.

Dean tips his head enough that he's pressing the edge of the phone into his forehead. His fingers are cold. He sniffs, his nose dripping in the icy weather, and types, careful to make sure he gets it right: I'm nine hours away.

Less, if he goes over 100 in the boring parts of Nevada, and if he doesn't stop at all for a catnap.

Stop in Reno for a nap. You get weird when you drive all night. Text me when you're close.

Dean works his jaw, standing there in the cold. He's got nothing to do, for two days. He's got most of a tank of gas. He's got—nothing. Nothing. He gets in the car, and he drives.

It's only 9:30 when he gets to Reno. There were parts of Nevada where he drove very, very fast. He pulls into a truck stop, gets more gas and parks out near where the semis are lined up, the drivers early-birding the night away. Still cold here but less so. He twists around so his back's to the passenger door and looks out the driver window at the neon signs of the truck stop, the cars going in and out of the gas islands. He ate a little but his stomach was all twisted up and he couldn't get much down. A beer would go easier but he doesn't want to be drunk. Well. He does. This is insane. This is—completely stupid.

He pulls out his phone, looks at it. Dials and holds it to his ear, and it rings three times—long enough for him to change his mind four times—before there's an answer, and Sam's voice says, "Dean?"

His voice. Dean closes his eyes, tips his head back against the cold glass of the window. "Long time, no speak," Dean says. It feels rusty.

Sam's quiet for a second, on the other end. "Not really, though. Right?"

"I guess so. It's not the same." Dean listens to the little acknowledging sound Sam makes. There's silence again, for seconds that he counts—one and then two and then three. He listens to the cooling tick of the engine, through it, and then says, before he loses his nerve, "I shouldn't come. Right? This is nuts."

There's some noise, staticky. Like something passed over the mic on Sam's phone. After a beat, Sam says, "You should do what you want to do."

"Oh, should I," Dean says, and it comes out sarcastic, but he doesn't really mean it to be mean. Sam doesn't take the bait, staying quiet on the other end, and Dean opens his eyes again, watching a huge truck muscle past the gas island, watching the normal world go by. He rubs his eye. "I've been—it's been weird, Sam."

Understatement, but he doesn't know why he says it. That kind of stuff isn't for Sam to worry about.

"Go to sleep," Sam says, instead of responding. "An hour or something, just enough so you won't drive off the road. Text me when you're close."

Same thing he said before. "It'll be like three in the morning when I'm close," Dean says, and Sam says, "I'll be awake," and then the line disconnects, and Dean's left there alone again on the bench seat, but it—feels different.

He sort of sleeps, sort of doesn't. He's got a talent for going to bed wherever and whenever he has to—on spare tires and on forest floors and in a closet, once, with a propane tank as his pillow—but his brain won't shut up. He drifts in and out, for the hour Sam asked him for, and then he gets out of the car and goes into the 24-hour c-store and buys a big cup of coffee and a Hershey bar, and points the hood west, and follows the yellow dashed line home.

He texts from a gas station outside Sacramento. Sam texts back in less than a minute with an address. Dean glances at his map of California and responds: 45 minutes, and it's more like thirty when he pulls up to the—yeah, the motel, and he makes a sound that's sort of like a laugh except it doesn't feel like one. He turns into the parking lot and the headlights flash the building, and there, sitting on the sidewalk with his back to a pillar.

Dean parks. Sam has his arms folded over his knees, but he unfurls, stands. Dean gets out of the car and Sam's—jesus, ten feet away, his face totally visible under the streetlight. His hair's a little longer. "Did you get taller?" Dean says, and Sam huffs, his head ducking, and—fuck everything else, it's Dean's little brother, and he drags Sam into a hug, folding his arms over Sam's shoulders even if he has to lift on his toes a little to do it. Sam goes stiff for half a second, but he hugs back, and Dean turns his face in, Sam's hair in his nose like it always is, and feels him—warm, and safe. All Dean ever wanted for him, pretty much.

"You have to get the room," Sam says, when they pull apart. At Dean's eyebrows he shrugs, the corner of his mouth curled. "What? My scholarship doesn't include seedy rent by the hour stuff."

"Oversight much?" Dean says, but he goes in, and he gets a room. Two queens, because that's what the tired miserable little desk clerk says they have available. Means Dean doesn't have to think about other possibilities, and it means that when he dangles the keys off his finger and Sam half-smiles at him, when they've walked down the cold sidewalk side by side, when Dean opens the door and finds the different motel room, same as the first—Sam sits on one bed, and Dean sits on the other, and they look at each other, and it's like it's two years ago and they're just two kids, waiting for Dad to come home.

Sam is taller. Taller than Dean, now. His hair long enough to fall in his eyes, which it does constantly. Newish sneakers, and old jeans, and a hooded sweatshirt, and a denim jacket over the top of that. Not warm enough for the Bay in winter, but Dean bites his tongue before he says anything about it.

"How are your classes?" he says, instead.

Sam's cheek sucks in, like he's chewing it. After a second he says, "You don't want to talk about my classes, man." His head tips. "Anyway. You read about it, right."

It was a mistake not to stop for beer. Dean needs something to do with his hands. "Your algebra professor sounds like an asshole," he says.

Makes Sam smile before he ducks his head, looking down at his lap. "I thought—" He swallows, audibly. He shakes his head, his hair falling down and hiding his face. "Only reason I started posting again was that I wondered if you might still—if you'd check."

It's quiet, honest. Dean hasn't talked to Sam in person for half a year and he's off-balance. Expecting Sam to snark, to be dismissive, to roll his eyes. Small hours of the morning, maybe he's too tired not to be honest. Maybe he's growing up. Dean's not prepared for that.

Sam looks up at him when Dean's silent for too long. His teeth dig into the corner of his mouth and he drags his hand through his hair, gets it off his forehead. "I said I didn't want to move on. You know what I meant, right?"

Dean huffs. "Yeah, I'm not an idiot, Sam," he says, and Sam's eyes tighten. Dean leans back on his hands, tips his head back on his shoulders to look at the ceiling. "Thought this was the whole point of getting out. Getting away, making a whole new life. Being someone else."

"I'm still me," Sam says, unseen. "And it wasn't the whole point. I want a life. That part—whatever, that doesn't matter right now. But I never thought the other thing was going to go away."

He stands up, so Dean can see him. Dean looks at him down his nose, and Sam's—god. Tall. That keeps being his first thought. Tall, and maybe not a stranger, even if he's real damn strange. Sam steps closer, in the little space between the two beds, chewing his lip again. He's gonna make a sore there. "Dean," he says, and Dean raises his eyebrows in response. "You came."

"Yeah," Dean says, rueful. "Well. I'm Cindy Crawford."

Sam's face ripples—a frown, surprise—and then a huffed little laugh—and then he steps between Dean's knees and touches his chest, his jaw. Leans down, slow, telegraphing like they're practicing a fight, and Dean stays exactly where he is, leaned back on his hands, and Sam's mouth touches his—softly. Not hesitant. Dean lets his eyes close and feels it. Puff of air against his face as Sam lets out a tense breath and then another kiss, the damp inside Sam's lip catching against Dean's, and Dean kisses back then, reaching up and getting Sam's jaw, his jacket, fisting the denim and pulling Sam closer. There's a stagger—Sam's knee landing on the bed by Dean's hip, and Dean gets an arm around his lower back and kisses him again, tasting him. Salt, and when Dean kisses him again and presses his mouth open, licks inside, there's coffee-taste, Sam's tongue—slick, tentative—he stayed up, to wait for Dean—his kiss clumsier now, like he doesn't have much practice.

Dean pulls back a few inches. Sam's half-draped on him, his weight nearly in Dean's lap. His eyes are dark but big with surprise, like he didn't expect Dean to go with it. "Sammy," Dean says, and Sam—shudders, his hands closing hard around Dean's shoulders. Okay, Dean thinks, filing that away. He drags a thumb over Sam's jaw, where he's got a barely-there prickle of stubble. "What are we doing?"

Sam shakes his head, licks his lips. "This," he says, holding the side of Dean's neck. "This."

They peel Sam's jacket off, and then Dean's. Sam's still in that hoodie, soft black, and Dean gets his fingers just under the hem of it, barely grazing Sam's stomach, kissing him again—tangled up close on the edge of the bed, Sam's thigh slung over his. Sam keeps touching his face, his chest. His amulet, swinging forward between them when he urges Sam down to his back on the mattress, a knee between Sam's and his hand still there on Sam's belly. Sam grips the amulet and breathes out hot against Dean's face and lifts up for another kiss, which Dean gives him easy, and it's—god, it's good. The lights on, the room warm, Sam wanting underneath his hand. His mouth, slick and open, learning how to press back, how to give as good as he's getting. Dean kisses his cheekbone, his jaw, settles his hand flat on Sam's stomach to ground him, says, "Sammy, you've done this before, right?" Sam hitches breath, nods. Dean sorta laughs, lifts up so he can actually see Sam's expression. "More than once?"

"Twice," Sam says, and when Dean raises his eyebrows he frowns, vaguely indignant. "Jenny Morrison, just before graduation." He licks his lips. "And—a guy. After student orientation, here."

"Playing the field, huh?" Dean says. There's no reason it should make his stomach go molten hot. He rubs Sam's stomach, feels the rise of his breath. "You like it?" Sam nods, again. "What'd you do?"

Sam's cheeks are dark, brick-red. He licks his lips again and Dean ducks back in to kiss him, knocking his mouth open, tasting inside. Earns himself a small deep noise and Sam's hand sliding through his hair where it's too short to grab. He nudges Sam's nose and sits up, peeling off his overshirt. "C'mon. What'd you do? Didn't put that up on your journal, how am I supposed to know?"

"It was a rush party," Sam says, looking at him. He pulls his t-shirt off over his head, making sure his amulet stays put, and Sam blinks heavily, his lips parted. Jeez—it's weird. Hot. Sam wants him, Dean thinks, and it sends a rush of blood south. "He's—uh. Pre-med, smart."

"Not looking for his biography, Sammy," Dean says, and spreads his hands on Sam's hips, pushing up. The hoodie moves, the t-shirt underneath rucks up—Sam's pale here but still that faint all-over tan, darker than Dean's skin. He licks his lips. "What'd you do? Jerk each other off?"

Sam nods, again, his mouth open. God, Dean can imagine it. On some dorm-room bed, their heads leaned together, Sam's mouth open just like this—panting, his hand fumbling down—fuck, fuck it's hot, Sam nervous and into it and trying, making sure. "You liked it, huh?" Dean says, stroking his thumbs over Sam's bare belly.

"Yeah," Sam says, thin on not enough air, his knee drawing up. "But I—I thought about—when you kissed me—" and Dean kisses him again, groaning. Jesus, Sam's gonna kill him. Thinking about some shitty nervous freaked-out kiss when another guy's got his tongue in Sam's mouth. Sam grabs his shoulders, sits up, and Dean accommodates him easy, letting Sam touch him back—Sam's hands sliding down his chest, around to his ribs, grasping. "Dean," he says, panting.

"Let's get this off, huh?" Dean says, pulling, and Sam yanks the hoodie off in a second flat, his hair all ruffling up behind it. The shirt comes with it and there's just Sammy's bare smooth skin, that same pale tan all over. Small brownish nipples, slim muscles. His body. Dean dips and kisses his bare shoulder, licking there, biting, and Sam's nails dig into his ribs so he does it again, swinging a leg over so he's straddling Sam's lap, taking his time. He scrapes his teeth over the swell where Sam's collarbone dips into the arch of his trap, and Sam grips his neck, his back arching. He's hard. Shit, he's nineteen, he has to be hard. Dean slides his fingers down Sam's belly to his belt, tucking under the waist of his jeans, but Sam grips his wrist, then, groaning, saying—"Wait—wait—"

Dean drops his head to Sam's shoulder, groaning back. "We waited," he says, but Sam's hand is on his shoulder, pushing him back, making him look. "What?"

Sam's pink. "Have you—with a guy?" Dean rocks back but Sam's holding him close, looking all over his face. "Dean. Have you—"

"Yeah," Dean says, and watches Sam's ears go red. Sam doesn't need to know when, but it was all in the last year. Three dudes, hookups that were way too easy. They were good—turns out that Dean just likes sex, any way someone will give it to him—and he learned what it felt like to have a dick not his own in his hand, how it felt to slip a cock into his mouth and make a man groan. He hadn't thought about Sam while he was doing it, not really, but he's thinking about it now, and Sam's eyes have dropped, his lips between his teeth. Jealous? Dean smiles while Sam can't see and breaks Sam's hold on his wrist, and slides his hand down, and cups the crotch of Sam's jeans where he's swelling them out. Sam jerks, eyes flying open. "Means I know what I'm doing. Yeah?"

"Yeah," Sam breathes, and then it's—undoing his belt, and unzipping, and then—god, he's still got his sneakers on. Dean backs off and kicks off his boots, deliberately, and Sam blinks at him hot-eyed with his chest heaving and his jeans half-open looking like a friggin porno, but then he gets with the program, and the shoes thud to the shitty carpet and then they're practically racing, undressing, and when Dean kicks his boxers off to the side Sam's—naked, half on the bed, staring at him. Dean stares back, circling a hand around Sam's ankle. God, to look at him, in the lamplight. Long legs, hairier on the shins and lightly furred on the thighs, and a decent dark bush around a dick that's—jesus, that dick. Big, bigger than Dean's, bigger than—Dean licks his lips and looks up with an effort and Sam's staring right back at him, focused between his legs, his mouth parted. "Like what you see?" Dean says, and Sam doesn't answer, just reaches for him, and Dean crawls up the bed and settles on his elbow above Sam with their legs brushing bare, Sam's dick hot against his hip, and Sam kisses him with both hands on his face, his thigh dragging up against Dean's, his lips almost trembly.

Dean soothes a hand down Sam's ribs but Sam's—fuck. Shaking. They haven't even done anything. "Sammy," Dean whispers, between Sam's needing brief kisses, and Sam shakes his head and kisses him again and then ducks his head down, his nose brushing under Dean's jaw. Dean pulls Sam closer—tips, so they're on their sides—and pulls Sam's leg over his hip, pushes in, and—ah, shit, shit that feels good, Sam's big dick brushing in against his, dragging heavy and hot. "Oh," says Sam, small, and Dean slips his hand further and grips Sam's ass, the muscle tight and small—pulls in, and pulls again, encouraging, and Sam grips Dean's shoulder underhand tight enough to hurt but follows, pushing in with the rhythm Dean's urging. He's breathing fast, hot against Dean's throat, but he's got it—humping in, meeting Dean, making their dicks slide, his cockhead smearing wet against Dean's belly. Dean hums, kissing Sam's temple where he can just reach it, just enjoying the—insane way it feels. He lets Sam's ass go and Sam keeps going—good, good—and he licks his fingers sloppy, and reaches down between them, and for the first time he gets a grip on Sam's dick, feels the heft of it. Sam makes a sound like he's been shot and Dean says shh, easy, slicking his hand down to the base, squeezing hard as he pulls back up, and Sam makes another gulping strange sound, his thigh clutching hard around Dean's hip, his hand crushing Dean's lower back in closer. "That feel good?" Dean says, and Sam—comes. Fast, humping in, spurting up Dean's belly and his own, the slick getting all over Dean's dick, hot and wet, the sensation enormous. Dean squeezes him through it, knowing, and Sam humps in again and grabs his ass, nails digging in. Dean tips his head back, feeling it. God, it's good. Sam. His brother.

He swallows. His dick's throbbing, wanting more, feeling left behind. Sammy shudders and Dean licks his lips, pushes Sam back so his shoulders hit the bed. He flops—boneless, shocked—and Dean drags his hands over Sam's ribs, frames his hips. His dick is still big, flushed and wet, his balls clutched up high, and Dean licks his lips and says, "Okay," to no one, and leans down, and gets Sam's dick in his mouth.

A shock, Sam's body practically lifting off the bed. "What," he says, somewhere Dean can't see him—"What are you, oh—" and Dean thinks, oh, what if no one has done this? What if Jenny just opened her legs and she and Sam humped awkward and teenage in some backseat—what if pre-med only wiped his handful of Sam's jizz on the mattress and passed out—what if Dean's the first one, here, opening his jaw wide, careful of his teeth, slicking down, getting the whole fat length of it in his mouth. Only—he can't, fuck, Sam's too big. He fists the base, pulls off, spits and slicks the wet down. When he glances up Sam's up on his elbows, staring, and Dean grins at him, jerks it again, swallows. He can taste Sam's jizz, leftover from coming before. "Hang on," Dean says, and goes back down, letting the head bust his lips open, slicking tight down to his fist, dragging his tongue hard against the underside, suckling easy. Sam takes his statement as an order and grips his head, his shoulder, his hips cringing up into Dean's mouth, and Dean heaves in air, feels Sam firming up again, thick and needing and good.

He's only done this a few times but he—shit, he liked it. Likes it better the other way around, of course, but like this—his dick pressing into the bed, throbbing—Sam splitting open his mouth—yeah, it doesn't exactly suck. He bobs up and down, making sure to pay special attention to the soft ridge at the head, and Sam's making insane noises, now, up above him, petting his head and his shoulders and gripping, trying to shove up. Dean leans into his hip so he can't, fists his dick, pulls off gasping and licking his lips. Sam's still staring, down the length of his torso, and Dean jerks him through the goopy mess they're making—his spit, Sam's precome, what Sam's already come. "You like it?" Dean says, and Sam—rolls his eyes, the little shit.

"You're smug," Sam says, and Dean raises his eyebrows and says, "You're damn right I am," and lets Sam's dick go and goes down, down, no fist in the way until Sam's dick hits the back of his throat and he gags—breathes through it—slurps up with tight lips and then goes right back down, getting his throat used to it, learning the feel of this massive, awesome dick. Sam moans, pushes his hips up, and Dean lets him, rides it—lets Sam fuck up, lets him get a rhythm, like fucking—Sam, fucking his face—and Dean reaches down between his own legs and fists his own dick, finally, groaning in relief and making Sam shudder as the vibration rumbles through Dean's open throat. Sam grips his head with both hands, holding him down, and Dean drags in air through his nose and holds there, filled up with Sam and choking, spit flooding out of his open mouth—the world dark and just Sam's taste, his smell—and Sam makes a little sound—and Dean grunts and lifts off, breaks Sam's hold and crawls up his body, straddling his hips and dragging his dick against where Sam's is all sloppy-hot, dripping wet. Sam gasps up at him and grabs his hips, his ass, fucking up into him, and Dean grips both their dicks in two hands, fucking into the tight wet channel he's making for them both, and Sam pulls at his ass, spreading it, rocking his hips to help, moaning and looking helpless up into Dean's face, and Dean leans down and breathes against him and Sam still comes first, creaming them both, his dick flexing and twitching in Dean's grip, and Dean braces one slick hand on the bed and fists himself seriously, jerking fast, and Sam moans and kisses his jaw and pulls at his ass with those big hands, his fingers slipping low, dipping—and Dean jerks and spills, his belly seizing, his thighs clamping around Sam's hips, Sam's lips open and dragging wet against his throat, his fist gripping the bedspread so hard that his fingers cramp.

Sam's stroking his hips, repetitive and soft, when he's done panting. Dean swallows, shifts his weight. He's slumped on top of Sam, his face buried in Sam's shoulder. Wet between them, sliding, and he releases his dick and slips his sticky hand out, bracing on the bed enough to get some air between them. When he lifts up Sam's eyes are half-closed, but he focuses on Dean's face right away, and his hands stop their stroking and just squeeze, warm and tight. "You okay?" Sam says.

"My line," Dean says, and Sam rolls his eyes again, squeezes again. Dean sits up more but Sam doesn't let go. "C'mon, we should clean up."

Sam's eyes tighten, just barely. He sits up, keeping his grip on Dean, and Dean rocks back but doesn't tip over. He gets a hand on Sam's shoulder to keep his balance and Sam says, steady, "Don't freak. Okay?"

"Who's freaking?" Their dicks are still pressed wetly together, though Dean's basically soft, now. Sam's still plump, thick. He swallows. "C'mon, we're gonna get cemented together," he says, and Sam's mouth purses but his grip goes light, and it gives enough room that Dean can lift off, get his feet under him. Jesus, there's enough jizz on him that it's rolling down his belly—he claps a hand to it before it can drop, smearing it over his abs. "You come like a geyser, dude," he says, not really complaining, but Sam's cheeks are red when he looks back up, and he feels—shit. He doesn't know.

He goes to the bathroom. Fluorescent light, pink-painted sink. He wets one of the five-cent washrags and wipes himself up, and he's not turned on anymore so his thought is mainly that it's just gross, and that bed's going to be wrecked, and also, what is he doing. What is he doing.

Sam's hand appears, reaching around him. He jumps. In the mirror behind him, Sam's tall, looking over his shoulder. Looking at Dean, even as he wets the other rag, cleans himself up. Dean chews the inside of his lip and can't really turn away. Sam's got red marks on his shoulder, where Dean was biting him.

"Stay," Sam says. He tosses his wet rag back into the sink and settles his hands on Dean's biceps, squeezing. When he steps forward his dick presses into the small of Dean's back and his chest is warm, damp. "Tomorrow at least. We've got the room. Stay."

"You want your dick sucked again?" Dean says, and that time it is mean and he did kind of mean it to be, and Sam's eyelids dip and his jaw clenches, but he only slips his hands away from Dean's arms to his ribs, holding him. It feels… Dean shakes his head. "Sam," he says, but there's not really anything that can go after it.

A big hand slides up and over, flattening on his breastbone. "It's not just this," Sam says, meeting Dean's eyes in the mirror, and it makes Dean's cheeks go hot.

He covers Sam's hand with his. He shivers, for some reason. He says, "I should take a shower, I've been in the car all day," and Sam says, "Okay," and Dean takes a shower and Sam sits on the closed toilet, watches him through the clear curtain. Gives him a towel when he comes out. Takes his hips, when he's dry, and presses him to the tiled wall, and tips his head up, and kisses him clean.

Five in the morning, or later. There's a clean bed and Dean hasn't slept in a day. He lays down and Sam lays down with him, a few inches away until Dean relents and turns over, and Sam curls up behind him, holding on, his mouth against Dean's shoulder. There's going to be a call from Dad, at some point. Dean's going to have to meet him somewhere, because there's going to be something bad that needs killing. He can't stay. He's wired and tired, all at once.

"Sleep," Sam says, and Dean turns his head against the pillow, knows he will.

"Hey," he says, and Sam makes a quiet noise. "If you put this on your journal, maybe bloodofreptile will finally shut up about you getting laid all the time."

"His name is Dennis," Sam says, and Dean laughs, weirdly glad. Dennis. Yeah, that fits. "And this isn't going on the internet."

"Probably a good idea," Dean says, and Sam says, again, "Dude, go to sleep," and Dean tips back into Sam's warmth, and does, and it's the best sleep he's gotten in a year.

#fffr #wincest #weecest #first time #long fic #my writing #--seriously this one also went too long #but idk it felt right this way

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imagining-in-the-margins · 3 years

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TB&TB Anon Answers! 🐇 [NSFW]

1. Ah, I absolutely adore when people quote me back @ me 😭 It's so sweet and it makes my day every time (especially when I forgot what I even wrote, like right now).

Also, who ever said omg and wowow aren't real words? They are my preferred form of communication 😌

2. You flatter me! Love definitely exists, and I can't wait for you to find it. I'm so excited to show you all more of Penelope! She is not over yet!

Which reminds me, do you y'all have any strong feelings about wanting to see her interact with the team more (like karaoke)? I don't really have any planned, and I'm not sure it would actually be productive for the plot. I might write a little spin off fic for it one day, though. As always, you can let me know here.

3. Never worry about not reading it right at release! I love when people message me a long time after, it just reminds me that people are still stumbling upon my mess and enjoying themselves.

I'm so glad to hear you enjoyed Part 18! I knew it would be a hard one for a lot of people. It was so cathartic to write, and I was shocked by how nice everyone was about it.

For those who missed it, I actually finished Part 21, I just realized today that I never went and updated Part 20 to add a link. You can read Part 21 here! Thanks for sticking around, and I hope you enjoy H2M.

Also... you're fantastic!

4-6. You are so sweet for doing this for me. I really appreciate you, and I hope you know that. It really makes my day every time.

Penelope is one of the most difficult characters to write for me! I honestly think she is one of the most creative characters, and I often find myself unable to string something unique enough together to sound realistic to me. So, I'm very glad you all think it works!

Garvez was stolen from us, and I refuse to accept it. They are in love. Let them be in love, CBS 😭 (or at LEAST give us Ralvez).

He's such an asshole sometimes, lmao. I have an interaction later between Penelope and Spencer that I think encapsulates their relationship well. I wish CBS had gone more into their friendship, because I think it's one of the most valuable ones on the show. (I mean, come on... "If Reid dies, I quit"? Gold.)

I'm always torn between whether Spencer would definitely want to fuck in a library, or NEVER fuck in a library (what if the books get damaged?!).

I'm so glad you caught the petals/feathers part! I didn't get a lot of comments on that section on the other platforms and I felt so clever when I wrote it 😅

Man, the Russian bits in this were just straight translations ripped from a site of "romantic sayings in Russian." If anyone can speak Russian, hmu, lmao. I would much rather have someone to run it by if I can!

Ah, yes... I mentioned it before, but I think it's important for close Readers to realize how dependent the two are on physicality to express themselves. Spencer should probably work on that, huh... ? Wonder why he's doing that...

I fear I have nothing to say to this line beyond 🌝...

I'm glad to hear it didn't drag on. It certainly felt like forever writing it 😂 I've been very exhausted lately by work + social life, but I am thrilled to be back to writing this weekend.

Thank you again, friend. I look forward to hearing from you again, and I hope that you continue to enjoy yourself both in and out of my blog. You are amazing and deserve the world!

7. Awwwe, that's so kind of you to say. I'm glad to hear everyone enjoyed my version of Penelope, I'm always worried that people will disagree with my characterizations. Penelope will be back in a big way later, and I absolutely cannot wait to show you.

I think this is probably the story I reread the most. Partially because I need to remember for a scene I'm writing, and also because I'm always surprised by my own writing, lol! I never remember what I wrote!

8. Ah, you know what, I didn't have any other scenes like that planned! But now that you've pointed it out, I will add one 🤗 It suits that part of the narrative well.

#adultsonlyplease #tb&tb #answer #answered

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hannah-deactivated20220725 · 3 years

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2020 End of Year Friendship Post

Alright, you guys know that I love to make gushing posts about people I’ve grown fond of.

Well, I’ve decided to make a big one for the end of the year. Celebrate the friendships I’ve created and/or maintained in the last year. This is obviously not EVERYBODY as I have shit memory and some of my friends have left the site (T_T) but this list will be a bit long, so I’m gonna post everything under a cut so that it doesn’t bother people having to scroll past it. (: to the people not mentioned in this but that follow me: thank you so much for supporting me & my writing adventure. I know that my blog has been through ups and downs, has changed immensely in the course of the past year, but I hope that you guys still enjoy and do not regret following it.

If you do, feel free to unfollow. I understand that some of you probably followed me for my games or events, which I no longer post here. If you do follow for my games, don’t forget I have a blog centered around writer games now!! You can find it at mywritinggames. You don’t have to follow this blog if you just followed for games. You can follow that blog. I won’t be offended. <3

Alright, enough of that. Let’s get into some lovey-dovey mushy-gushy words of adoration for all a lot of my friends!

PS here’s a list of everyone I tagged on here with comments and the paragraph number in case you want to skip straight to your mush comments:

1. Toby 2. Franka 3. Szandra 4. Raev 5. Jade 6. Lynxxie 7. Ravage 8. Andy 9. Pax 10. Keena 11. Ariadne 12. Ellie 13. Katie 14. Etta 15. Jake 16. Aurelien 17. LJ 18. Fatal 19. Avery 20. Amanda 21. Ari 22. Galaxy 23. Elizabeth 24. Dawny 25. Cat 26. Kry 27. Eris 28. Vermont 29. Erin 30. Piya

The final paragraph is a general comment to everyone, so please make sure to read the final paragraph as well! Thank you all for existing, for staying alive through a rough year, for being here for me and for being my friends. You are all amazing and deserve everything, all the energy love and positivity you put into the world. <3 I love you guys!

1. @lordkingsmith - I’ve already beaten this dead horse, but you are SO INCREDIBLE and I have no idea what my entire mentality would be if not for you. You’ve saved me from giving up on my dreams multiple times by your positivity and always knowing how to help me!! Any time something happens, you’re right there with a solution and it’s mind boggling. You’re literally the only person that can be like “here, help yourself this way” and I won’t get upset about it because I trust you in a way I trust SO few people. You are my little brother and I am so, so happy Jason Zephyr and a stupid tomato guessing game brought us together ;)

2. @franky-ts - girl... you’ll always be my twinny. Always, always. I can’t imagine life without you in it. Even through me deleting my blogs what, 3-4 times now since we met? I always come back to you. You are always the top 2-3 people I search for when I come back because you are my twinny and if I don’t get to have a tumblr experience without you, I don’t want it! <3 I love everything about you and I’m so glad to know you. I’m so grateful to have friends like you that always reach out to me and try to cheer me up when I’m feeling down. I always want to share my ups and downs with you. If not for the damned timezone difference, I probably would. Love you, sis.

3. @catharticallysarcastic - probably my favorite person I rarely speak to ;) A friendship started with writer games and the beauty of her name (Szandra for those that don’t know)... you are a remarkable and beautiful person and you deserve the world and all of your dreams with it. I wish this world was perfect so you could live in a perfect world because you, my friend, are great. And sweet. And amazing! Thank you for being a good friend to me.

4. @raevenlywrites - I know we don’t talk much anymore. I don’t really bombard you with asks like I used to, but I do still cherish you, not only as a writer, but as a person. You have a beautiful heart and are such a caring individual. You will go out of your way for other people and this world needs MORE PEOPLE like that! You are incredible and I hope you reach the absolute apex of what you think life should be. That is my 2020 wish for you. <3

5. @jade-island-lives - Jade.... Jade, Jade. Another great friend that’s been here through my ups and downs of a couple of different blogs I’ve ended up remaking. Jeez, it’s been so long I can’t even remember how we met. But I’m so, so glad we did. You are beautiful. You are so caring and kind. Your writing is amazing and your characters are just... *chef kiss* But this isn’t about your writing, as amazing as it is. This is about you. This is about how amazing YOU, as a person, are. This is about how much I love and appreciate you as a person. This is about how much I am grateful to have friends like you in my life. This about how you’ve been here for me through so much and how I can’t imagine if I’d never met you. Even though we rarely talk like we used to, I still cherish you like we talk every freaking day. Life gets busy, especially as adults. Shit happens, life gets hard. But through everything, just know I love you and am always, no matter what, here for you. <3

6. @wyldlynxx - Lynxxieeee ~ my little Nane fangirl xDDDD you are amazing. You don’t give yourself near enough credit for how awesome you are. You make me laugh and so happy to be alive. We don’t chat like we used to, which... to be fair there are very few that I do still talk to regularly. But I still love you and our friendship. I wouldn’t trade it - for you - for anything. (: I hope one day we can catch up again and start chatting more again because our chats always, always put a smile on my face.

7. @mrs-raven-writes - Ravage! My savage little Ravage!! My buddy! Hey! Hi! You are awesome. Our conversations are so unique every time. We don’t just have the typical ‘hi how are you’ talks. I mean yes, sometimes we do if it’s been a while since we chatted, but for the most part, we’ve had all different kinds of talks. My favorite is when you randomly approached me saying you almost threw down with someone because of a game. xD And finding out that even through your absence you still keep track of me? T_T I was so flattered and still am. You are amazing and you also do not give yourself near enough credit for how amazing you are. I am so glad to know you and I hope that 2021 treats you better than 2020 did because I’d love more than anything for you to message me telling me how incredible you feel and how much life has improved. I freaking love you, girl, and I want nothing but happiness and love for you. (:

8. @violetcancerian - Andyyyyyyyy~ hi!!! omg what to say... I’m not even sure how to say what I want to say. xD A friendship forged by mutual love of King Arthur fiction... turned into what it is now. Even though we rarely ever talk anymore, I still feel so close to you... and I hope that you know that you’re still a very special friend to me. ^_^ you are so sweet and so ENTHUSIASTIC! You spread so much love to others and it just makes me smile! It makes me so happy to see you on my dash, not just for the fics, but for YOU. You, as a person, are worth so much, and I hope you get everything you ever wanted because I want nothing but the best for you, my friend! Happy new year and thank you so much for being my friend. <3

9. @magic-is-something-we-create - Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaxy!! One of my most enthusiastic friends! I always know that I can just chat your ear off about the things that have me excited because you just get so excited with me! You’re like my “pump me up” buddy because your excitement then causes me to get more excited! Instead of mocking my hyperfixations, you get enthralled with me, and I LOVE that!!! You are so encouraging and so increidbly sweet and thoughtful. You always put a smile on my face and even when it’s been weeks since we’ve chatted, our conversations are never stale. I always know if I message you, we’re about to have a fun, exciting conversation. I never get bored of our chats or of you because you’re just so FUN and put such a big smile on my face!!! I love the friendship we’ve built and I really, honestly hope it never ends because you’re amazing. <3

10. @keen2meecha - hey, buddy! We haven’t really chatted in a while but I wanted to include you because we used to chat a lot more. And it was so fun getting to know you and sharing my passions with you. I really hope that we get into touch more in 2021 because I never want to lose that bond we shared back when we chatted more! I enjoy so much talking with you and getting to know your works and sharing mine with you! I hope you have an phenomenal 2021, my friend.

11. @confundere - another buddy that I always look for when I restart my blog (which has happened an embarrassing amount of times). Ariadne is a passionate person with so much to offer this world and I cannot imagine ever restarting my blogs without contacting her. You are someone I think of frequently, even if we don’t chat as much as we used to, and I’m so glad to have met you. (: thank you for being such a great friend to me, and for being so supportive of me. I hope you have a terrific 2021. Happy new year, friend!

12. @howdy-writes - Ellieeee~ we have had many fun chats via our posts and I have massively enjoyed going from “oh what a cute blog” to “wow this girl is amazing!” I have enjoyed from going “aw how cute, she likes lesbian cowgirls” to “this girl IS a lesbian cowgirl!” You have so many incredible layers that are so fun to figure out and you are such a joy to get to know! I’m so glad I got the courage to reach out to you and talk to you because you are one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met on this site. You always have nothing but sweet things to say and I just.... I look up to you so much. Your kindness, your positivity, your love. You, all-in-all, are a role model I wish I’d grown up watching. I hope that all the youngesters following you realize that you are someone to look up to. ^_^

13. @abalonetea - you... oh, Katie, you. It still makes me laugh how long it took me to stop calling you Emily in my head xDDD you’re incredibly talented. But beyond that, you’re a great friend. Always supporting others. Always willing to be there for others. You’re a great person and deserve as much love and support, if not more, as you give. You are so kindhearted and just all around, the best kind of friend to have. Thank you for being one of mine. <3

14. @ettawritesnstudies - one of my newer friends from this year! It was so fun collabing on a positivity event with you! My hope is we can do something like that again because you were a joy to work with. ^_^ you are so kind though. So kind and so thoughtful and supportive. You are exactly the kind of friend I want in my real life. You are the kind of person I could see myself really opening up to and texting every day if I knew you irl. People like you are what make this world worth living in and people like you are what make the world a nicer, better place. I’m so grateful to know you and that you decided to join tumblr. Thank you for everything this year and I look forward to another year of friendship!

15. @homesteadchronicles - Jaaake!! Omg we don’t chat like we did when I was first recommended your blog, but I still cherish every conversation. I cherish every hi and am always sad when we have to part ways. I think about you frequently, even if we don’t always talk. I’m always wondering how you are, how your writing’s going, how your year’s going. You have been a joy to get to know and I really hope one day we can start chatting more again because our conversations always leave me with a smile on my face by the end, and I simply cannot say that about just anybody. Happy new year, friend, and I hope you have a terrific 2021.

16. @copperplatescript - Aurelien!!! I’ve probably said it before but I LOVE your name. It’s so unique compared to names I’ve heard in the past. But beyond that, there’s an amazing person attached to the name!! I love sharing things with you because interesting conversation always follows. You are so fun to chat with and you have so much interesting stuff to share! Your fascinations are so fascinating and it’s so much fun watching the progression of your projects!! I miss our chats but I know 2020 has been a hectic year for most. I just hope 2021 brings more fun and fascinating conversation and brings us closer as friends ^_^ thank you for several months of a wonderful friendship. (:

17. @ljscrawls - sheesh, I can’t believe it took me this long to get to LJ!!!! My buddy ol’ pal. Talented, sweet, fun, funny!!! Pretty much all the best traits in one amazing person. You always bring a smile to my face and leave me feeling so freaking special. There are very few that can make me laugh, cry, flattered and just so happy in one single conversation. You bring so much joy and love in my life and I just can’t imagine ever losing your friendship. And I hope I never have to because I don’t want to be without you in my life. ^_^ thank you for being such a great friend. I love ya!!

18. @fatal-blow - I know we’re not like SUPER close or anything. But I wanted to let you know that you are amazing. Not just because your talent is beyond anything I have the words to voice but... you are such a fun, passionate person to speak with and it’s fun watching you talk about things you love, especially your characters. The way that you make your characters feel so familiar when you talk about them, like you’re talking about an old friend. It’s simply inspiring. I’m so glad I found your blog and started commenting on your posts because the conversations that have ensued due to it have been so memorable. I’ll never forget you, even long after I stop being on tumblr, whenever that happens. Thank you for everything.

19. @just-a-little-bit-of-sugar - girrrrl. You’re someone that I really miss. You are so sweet, just like your name implies, and such an uplifting person to talk about. You’re so positive, and you know. I do really cherish that about you but that isn’t what makes you so special to me. Everyone has down days and I don’t ever want to make you feel like I’ll appreciate you any less for having them, like your positivity is the only thing that makes you worth friendship. Good or bad days, you are a great friend and I want to be here to celebrate the good and help you through the bad! You’ve been a great friend to me over the last year and I only hope you can say the same to me. <3 hope you’re doing well.

20. @amandahoyle - god, our friendship started with a mutual love of DARK writing. Started with my writing of Death Has a Face and other dark stories centered around death and your series I’m reading with DEFINITE darkness in it.... but it evolved into this beautiful thing it is now, that I wouldn’t trade for the world. You are a remarkable friend, always having nothing but nice words for me and I so appreciate how you lift me up during hard times. You’re always here for me and willing to help bring me out of my own personal darkness. And I love and appreciate that so much about you. You are a phenomenal friend and I just don’t want to imagine ever losing your friendship. Thank you for being so kind and so patient with me over the last several months. I’m so grateful to have you in my life, even if just virtually.

21. @leafgreen6 - Ariiiii!!!!!!! One of my earlier friends! I met you through Galaxy and our friendship kind of blossomed. The three of us together create quite a dynamic trio even if we don’t chat together like we used to. You are amazing. I hope you realize how incredible you are. You’re so beautiful, inside and out, and you are so caring toward your friends. You love and support those around you and have such a beautiful heart. You are talented af and a total badass. <3 I wouldn’t change a single thing about you. Thank you. Thank you.

22. @books-of-lunacy - Jesus! Girl, we literally never talk anymore! I hope you’re well. I miss you. We forged a great friendship that I will never, ever forget, even if it fades away. Because you’ve been amazing over the months and I’m so glad to have met you virtually. I used to imagine if we met in person many times xD and I think you’d be a fun person to like go on adventures with at midnight, when the world around us is asleep. (: I’m glad to know you and I hope that 2021 brings you joys that 2020 tried to take away. Miss you and again, I hope you’re well. Thank you for being a friend.

23. @incandescent-creativity - we used to chat sooo much when I discovered your blog, when I originally created this blog! You were one of the first people I sought out when I recreated it because you inspire me SO MUCH. Your passion for your writing and characters... your kindness when answering questions... your silliness and just overall personality and attitude, it all inspires me. Every. Damn. Day. I know I haven’t done my “ask spree” stuff I used to do frequently, which got you accustomed to my url (and was also the reason you apparently actually noticed my disappearance when I deleted my original blog) but just know that I think about you frequently. Not just as a writer and creator, but as a person. As an amazing, inspiring person that I strive to be more and more like. You are incredible. Thank you for showing the world who you are.

24. @dawnsplaceyt - I know you’ve been busy lately and life has gotten hectic but I just wanted to let you know I still think of you frequently and am grateful for the friendship we’ve built over the last year. You are such a warm person with so much passion and love and I’m so glad to have been one of the people that got to witness that. I am so thrilled that your relationship took the next step and I can’t wait to see you start the next chapter of your life. <3 I hope you’re doing well and that the end of 2020 and all of 2021 treat you well. Love ya girl.

25. @missionkitty - Jesus. I can’t believe you’re all the way down at 25. But either way, here we are. One of my favorite people that I met through the odds of an otome game we share a passion for. Your art is breathtaking. I love your style and you as a person are just as breathtaking. You are so free and passionate!! You have so much love for the things you care about and that is so admirable. I look up to you so much, especially as an artist! I strive to be more like you one day. <3 thank you for being so amazing! I look forward to another year of friendship.

26. @kryskakikomi - okay, we know each other more through games and events than we do through actual chats, but I’ve always WANTED to talk to you... and build a friendship? One of my goals for 2021 is to do more outreach toward people I have wanted to talk to but never quite got the nerve to reach out to and you’re one of the top on the list!! I’m thrilled we’ve had interactions at all but I’d be so happy if we could have more in the coming year! Hope your year goes well. (:

27. @leave-her-a-tome - uh, you’re awesome. Enough said, next! No, just kidding. xD but I wasn’t kidding when I said you’re awesome. Even just seeing you on my dash gives me a thrill. You have so much talent, yet are so humble about it and are so happy to support others. It’s quite inspiring to see someone that is so incredible be so down to earth and not full of themself. You are so fun to chat with too! Our chats are usually short but they still bring me such joy. To know that someone as amazing as you LIKES to chat with me? Humbling. And thrilling at the same time! I will never, ever forget you or the time we’ve spent talking and working together!! Thank you for everything and for the support and I hope you have a great 2021!

28. @vermontwrites - okay, I know we haven’t spoken much since the Prompt Pals days but I really enjoy your presence - both on my dash and my DMs. You have been through so much yet hold strong. Yes, I know some days are really hard for you but your strength and resilience are inspirational. I hope you know you’re not alone and that I’m here if you need someone to lean on, if you need someone to vent to. You aren’t alone. You don’t have to push through everything alone. You have friends that care and that want to be here for you. You are incredible and deserve love and friendship. I hope you recognize that. Thank you for sticking around and for being you. I hope 2021 goes better for you, my friend.

29. @rhikasa - okay. I know, we mostly communicate via games, but you have been such a positive force on my dash and notes in the last year. I know we don’t chat much but I do still appreciate you and want you to know that. I don’t know like if you think about me beyond the games, but I certainly do think about you and am always hoping you’re having a great day/night. You’re awesome and creative and kindhearted and I’m so appreciative to have you as a mutual. <3

30. @piyawrites - Piya!!! We haven’t really communicated in a long time but I still cherish the times we did chat. We have had so many good conversations with giggles and enthusiasm and support and I love your energy! You’re such a positive force and such a great person to know and chat with and I’m so so grateful for that. You’re wonderful and I hope you recognize the light that you shine on others lives because you do. And you deserve that same level of loving energy that you bring to others. Thank you for being a part of my online world.

Thank you everyone that is listed on this. You are are all so freaking wonderful and each and every one of you hs made a difference in my life. You all have played a big part in why I have stayed on this site and I cherish each and every one of you for all kinds of reasons. I hope you all know how loved and appreciated you are and I wish you all a very happy New Year. May 2021 show many improvements upon the last year <3

#mushy post #love #love for my friends #end of year appreciation post #my friends #lovey dovey post #30 tags of love #friendos #friendo love

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putschki1969 · 3 years

Photo

Wakana Anime Classic 2020 Live Report

■ Online Live Stream Date & Time：2020/12//22 (page opens at 18:00 / live starts at 18:30～) Ticket fee:￥2,500 Tweet

The live is scheduled to start in about 30 minutes. Do not forget to tune in. Better go to the page early in case there is too much traffic. This is a fairly new streaming site and Wakana’s concert will be their very first big live stream so I am preparing myself to be met with some initial difficulties. Of course I hope there won’t be any but one never knows. As always I will do some live commenting so please look forward to that.

Wakana looks like a queen wearing a gorgeous white gown. Beautiful flower arrangements all over the stage and fancy 3D/AR art. Streaming quality sucks tho T_T I knew this would happen. Space Craft really managed to pick the worst site for this *sighs* Live2U’s servers were already struggling when people registered but apparently they didn’t feel it was necessary to do anything about it. Thank God we are getting this archived. They better provide a flawless video for the archived version. I feel really bad because they obviously put a lot of money into the production but when the streaming site sucks, it sucks. Btw, lowering your quality provides a fair bit of stability.

1. Toki ni wa Mukashi no Hanashi wo: A bit shaky initially but after the first few lines her vocals sounded solid. 2. Yasashisa ni Tsutsumareta Nara: Honestly better than the studio version. MC: 3. Kaze no Tani no Nausicaa: No thoughts yet but it was definitely nice. 4. Rain: Wakana’s live performance actually made me like this song 5. When She Loved Me: I don’t know it but WOW! I cried! So beautiful 6. Mononoke Hime: YESSSSSSSSS! THANK YOU LORD FOR BLESSING ME WITH THIS! MC: 7. Kimi wo Nosete: Ahhhhh! So good!! Can I use the opportunity to say that I really love 1966 QUARTET. Their playing is so good. They SLAY! 20 Minute Intermission (to air the hall) She is back wearing the same dress she wore for her session with Satoshi Takebe 8. Kizuato: I KNEW she would be singing Kalafina but why Kizuato XD Not among my favourite Kala-songs tbh. I was secretly hoping for “Kimi ga Hikari ni Kaete Iku” but Kizuato is probably a better fit for 1966 QUARTET’s accompaniment. Anyways, I am not mad. She sounded good. 9. Mirai: I certainly did NOT expect this :P Quite shaky at parts but some of those high notes sounded absolutely beautiful. Overall not my favourite Kala-self-cover. I think she should stick to slow ballads. 1966 QUARTET are once again showing their talent!! MC: 10: Utautai No Ballad : I thought I didn’t like this song but Wakana changed my mind 11: Get Wild: I cannot express how much I love this song. Wakana’s performance and the arrangement! PERFECTION! MC: 12: Ai ni Dekiru Koto wa Mada Aru Kai: Wakana’s version of this is so good! I don’t particularly like the original version but Wakana gives me chills the way she sings it. MC: Already the last song is coming up. 13. Yume no Yukue: One of my faves from the CD and the live version is even better! Encore: I am not sure the live stream will include the encore. According to the description, we won’t get to watch it T_T As expected, no encore in the stream. I wonder what she is gonna sing for the encore. Apparently she wore a yellow dress. Maybe the one from the photobook? It WAS the one from the pamphlet!!! I see some tweets mentioning “Country Road” from Whisper of the Heart... And she sang “magic moment”! 1966 QUARTET also played a little encore, “Radio GAGA”.

Overall thoughts: Shitty stream notwithstanding, this live was REALLY good and definitely worth my money (although it was tad shorter than I expected). I don’t want to complain too much because it is already a privilege to get to watch those lives. Hearing Wakana perform all these songs was a revelation. For the most part she sounded AMAZING and she sang some of my favourite songs from the album. And OMG, Mononoke Hime.

PS: Seems like the archived video is also lagging due to too much traffic. Will have to watch it once everyone in Japan is asleep. The video quality is definitely better in the archived version but it seems that certain sections were completely cut due to the site’s awful service during the actual live T_T. How can a streaming site like that claim to offer good service when they suck so much?? That’s pretty much fraud. I am sure they must have noticed the complaints from everyone so hopefully they will do something to improve their service. They have finally acknowledged the horrible quality of the archived video and are claiming to work on it. This is why the video is currently not available. They better fix this ASAP.

#kalafina #wakana #report #Wakana Anime Classic 2020 #using my work laptop and a super fast data plan but still the stream sucks

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douxbebearchives · 3 years

Text

Meet the Author: Jayismz

Hi, J / Jayismz!

Stories can be found here.

Twitter.

Wattpad.

__________

When did you start writing Olitz? I started writing Olitz a year ago around December 2019.

Tell us about yourself! What do you want readers to know about you? I want the readers to know that I’m a pretty humble, easy going guy who loves writing & wants to one day make a career out of it. It’s become a passion of mine. I dislike unnecessary drama & disrespect, & I’m obsessed with fruit snacks. I’m also very easy to talk to, so don’t hesitate to reach out.

What drew you to Olivia and Fitz? It wasn’t the immediate connection for me. It was the drama between them that pushed & pulled them apart. To see them triumph over all the darkness to show each other a love they never experienced was beautiful.

What made you want to write about them? Honestly? I didn’t plan on writing them but my girl Muses pushed me to do so and I don’t regret it. I love being able to bend and shape them how I please. In ways that the show didn’t.

How would you describe your writing? Drama, Romance, Action, Adventure. Angst as well, depending on the storyline. It’s easy to follow, too. Some points are a bit more subtle but if you read for the sake of the story & not just for olitz smut/fluff then you’ll get the fully painted picture.

What inspires you to write / create? Honestly? That’s a difficult question. Sometimes watching certain episodes of the show will give me an idea/inspire me. Other times, it’ll be late night inspiration, when I’m supposed to be asleep or life in general. My mind never stops creating, but every idea that I have doesn’t make the site. Also music. That’s heavy inspiration, too.

Favorite movies, shows, music?

Favorite movies? 1. Dawn of the Dead. 2. The Halloween film series minus one. 3. Jennifer’s Body. 4. The Incredibles film series. 5. The Friday the 13th film series. 6. Insidious 1-2. 7. The Avengers / X-men film series. Even the bad X-men films give me something. 8. Call Me By Your Name. 9. 4th Man Out. 10. Mulligans.

Favorite shows? 1. The 100. 2. The Witcher. 3. American Dad. 4. Scandal. 5. Kingdom.

Music? Alternative, pop, electronic, hip hop and r&b, soundtrack, dance, rap, light rock. A little bit of everything.

How long does it take you to write a chapter? I used to be on a once a week schedule but that doesn’t give people time to miss a story and digest the current chapter(s). So, now I wait until I’m ready. Sometimes it takes a week to write, other times it’ll take longer. Depending on how tired, busy and inspired I am. Time limits stress me out.

Did the show’s themes and plots encourage you or discourage you from writing? The themes I looked for always inspired me.

Writing AU or Canon? AU.

Reading AU or Canon: some canon is really good, but mostly AU.

________

A favorite line, scene, or paragraph you’ve written.

Though there are many moments I love from all of my stories. The speech Ryan gave to Olivia in Herstory is one of my favorites.

Ryan: "Option three, we let them bicker and whine and panic because it's you who calls the shots. You are the leader of the free world. You make the tough decisions that mold and shape the world. You break down the barriers of what it means to be president." He slowly strides around the office.

"You're not like the countless men who came into this office and paraded their power as if they were some Gods here to bless us with great fortune and progress only to leave us with broken promises and lies. No, you are Olivia fucking Pope. You are light and you... have more guts than any man I know." Words unwavering, filled with fire.

"Babying everyone with an opinion is not how I see you running this White House. Your White House. So, what's it going to be?"

Reason being is because he sees her for the woman she is here. There’s no underestimation or denial of her skills. Just pure, unadulterated passion and the will to stand by her side knowing that she’s going to make history.

________

Fave Olitz moments? The season 7 conversation when he asked her if he crossed the line. The trail, of course. The lawn kiss in season 6. And also the deleted scene from season 6 where she was leaving the residence and they talked about him having two weeks. OH! And the dug the phone out of the trash moment.

Fave Olitz fanfic moments? I read too much to remember all of them, omg. Don’t hate me y’all 😭. But everyone I follow in the site gives me some of the best moments and they inspire me to write in all honesty.

________

Do you like it when readers engage with you via comments / social media? Of course! It helps.

Story Reviews: Love them, hate them? I’m indifferent about them. Sometimes they’re so negative but other times, they’re good— constructive even. I read them once every so often before expressing how grateful I am to have people still enjoying my works. Negative ones get deleted without a thought.

What advice would you give to a new Olitz writer? Just write! Perfection should only matter to you and you only. If it’s perfect to you then I’d say you’ve done a good job. Also, write the story that you want to tell. People tend to scream that something’s not good if the idea they had in their mind doesn’t happen. Stay true to yourself and never let anything dictate the words you write.

Outside of your fics, do you have any fave Olitz stories or authors? Anything by Musesoftheminds, labellebeaucoup, sweetness04fj, anonolitz, glamour02, loveoverpride, annnnd Keke thegoddess.

Do you talk to other Olitz authors? If so, do you like the camaraderie? I talk to a good 4 of them. Muses I talk to almost everyday off Twitter, of course, but the other three I’ll reach out and check in or they will. I do like it— the camaraderie. It makes me feel wanted here which means a lot.

Have you made friends (people you talk to outside of fanfic) because of Olitz / Scandal fanfic? I have, yes.

Before you go, anything else you’d like to share?

Yes. To those that read my stories and newcomers. I’m glad you enjoy my work and I’m happy to continue writing for you all. I know it was a big change with me adding new characters and turning the tides a bit but the reception to them has been so heartwarming.

I’m happy Ryan has been received well in the fics. He’s an extension of me if I were to put myself in those settings. I used to be so afraid to admit that but it’s nothing to be ashamed about. Adding myself or a fraction of myself in some way pushed me to continue with writing these stories. It’s like I become one with the character thing. Plus, it makes for good dynamics.

As far as other characters, I tend to use people I know as blueprints as well as other celebrities. For example, Rose / Viper is based on my girl Musesoftheminds if she were in those settings. In When It All Falls & its sequel, Danny is portrayed by actor Marcus Rosner. In Hunted, Walker is portrayed by Charles Melton & Mike is portrayed by Trevante Rhodes. In Herstory, August is portrayed by Henry Cavill and Rose’s husband is portrayed by Jason Mamoa. She picked him herself, LOL.

And if anyone wants to be in a story of mine, let me know! If it works with the story, we can make it happen now that you know my process.

Lastly, I want to thank the community for being so open and accepting of me and my ideas. I was afraid that me being an openly gay man and incorporating every facet of that from presentation to relationships to sex would’ve pushed people away, but you’re still here and it means the world to me. And to the writers I speak to personally, thank you for always having my back and for encouraging me to continue. You’ve been nothing but kind & I love you.

Thank you to DouxBebeArchive for this writer’s spotlight, for always being kind enough to share my works and for being a kind soul.

xoxo, J

________

Thank you, J, for allowing us to feature you!

#Olitz fanfic authors #Jayismz #Olitz fanfiction #Olitz fanfic writers

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softguks · 4 years

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author + fic recs

below are a list of writers and my my fav fics of theirs, pls give them some love!! don’t forget to REBLOG, SEND A MESSAGE, OR LEAVE FEEDBACK. sometimes leaving a like isn’t quite enough, so leave a small comment telling them how much you loved it! it really makes their day.

@sketchguk TERESA, uGH my lovie, my world, my moon, my stars, the cause of my euphoria, my queen, the angel from the heavens. she is an incredible writer, and i’ve read all of her works probably thirty million times. they’re sweet, amazing, and definite must-reads! READ HER ENTIRE MASTERLIST, it’s worth it i promise 🥺

-> kiss the girl; worth the wait; lover to lean on; 10 muses

@sleepyjhs violet??? omg, her reactions, drabbles, and writings are so soft and lovely!! pls give her a read, send her some love, reblog her amazing works, and leave come comments! she’s such a sweet angel, and her blog is beautiful (so aesthetically pleasing)

@gukyi GUYI!! guys, this is a no-brainer. i’m sure you’ve read her fics, if not, go give her a read. her fics are absolutely amazing, incredible, and every positive word in the world. the amount of talent she pours into each piece of writing is incredible and phenomenal, she is literally one of the most talented writers on here. go send her some love if you haven’t already!

-> the millionaire & his lover; raspberry truffles; the courtship chronicles; if i told you; the underwear thief; the coffee shop contract

@jamaisjoons hi i love solaris, she owns my heart. anyways, she is a pretty-well known blog in my opinion, and totally deserves it! her writings are amazing, incredible, and i love them so much. her banners are super cute like her too 🥺 she’s the sweetest person, her fics are some of my go-to rereads and my all-time favorites. pls go flood her inbox with love, she’s an incredible angel.

-> faded love; the sea & the storm; love alive

@honeymoonjin guys sora is the most beautiful soul on here 🥺 i love her fics so much, they bring out the ugly tears, the soft feelings, the uwu hours, and emotions i didn’t know i had. i’ve read her entire masterlist probably a billion times because of how talented she is, like skskksksksk?? i don’t understand. go bombard her with love, adoration, and feedback for her lovely fics. she writes them so well, and they’re also hilarious to read!!

-> florezco; anpanman

@jungshookz CEE!! omg i love all of her fics. each and every single one of them is absolutely incredible. i love the style of her writing, i love the hilarious interactions, the tropes, and everything about her fics. she is one of my all-time favorite blogs that i’ve come across, please send her lots of love if you haven’t already!! she is so so talented and incredible, make sure to check out her drabbles and tags!! it’s always hilarious and so much fun to read her fics -- i cackle like a witCH--

-> cowabunga baby; caramel macchiato; gymrat jungkook; beneath the water; suit & tie; soccer coach jungkook; yoga instructor jungkook; ta! jimin; ballet teacher jimin (OMG MY FAV)

@junqkook hi yara is bomb guys. yara’s fics are oh-so-incredible and she’s one of the first blogs i came across in this fandom!! there’s something about the way she writes, the way her words seem to flow together so perfectly that’s incredible. really and truly, she is one of the sweetest people on here and is very very very talented. go give her some love. btw her banners for her fics and her navigation is super cute uwu.

-> rottenfolk; the young wolf; into the woods (series); la douleur exquise

@httpjeon DAISYYY, she’s amazing and i love her. anyways, daisy is the QUEEN of cute banners and headers. she’s so talented and everything on her masterlist is a masterpiece. the way she writes is so beautiful and her stories are amazing!! the detail, the *cough* smut *cough*, the descriptive scenes, and the characters are incredible! gold! amazing! wonderful! i’ve run out of words to describe how lovely they are, but please give her some (re)reads and reblogs!

-> bunny blues (series); lovebug; sehebon; club ardor (series)

@kinktae rosyyyyy is one of the sweetest people on here and im totally here for her friendship with daisy + nora + yara uw. they’re best friend goals. anyways, her fics are like watching movies. they are so detailed and well-written that it plays in your head. you can imagine each scene playing out as you read and they’re really amazing. pls go check them out and give them some love!

-> soliloquy; camellia (two-shot); bitchin’ (series); flesh & blood (series)

@taesthetes uwu, cat’s works are some of the most amazing ones i’ve ever read. they never fail to amaze me and are always guaranteed to bring out emotions. thy’re truly beautiful works of art, and are some definite must-reads! her blog is so lovely and pretty too!

-> let’s unfall in love; amour; hiraeth; her masterlist (just read everything guys it’s incredible)

@ughkive mo! mO! MO! mo is my lovie and an angel. she’s such a beautiful soul and has the heart of an angel. her writings are amazing and some you should definitely check out! the way she writes is beautiful and i love her style of writing, please go flood her mailbox with love and support! much love to you, bb!

-> broken cathedrals; heart strings; bucket list; habits

@gukgalore hi rayan is my intelligent, gorgeous, radiant, and stunning queen. she is the absolute sweetest and must be flooded with love and hugs. go check out the queen, i love her, the aesthetic & layout of her blog, and her writings very very much!! they are very amazing and worth the read! many of them make me emotional and i dont know how she’s so taleneted. pls give her love.

-> young; jungkook breaks your trust (drabble); jungkook lies (drabble); something new

@guksheart she is one of my fav blogs everrr. i truly adore all of her fics and have reread them millions of times. they’re absolutely incredible, and always leave me in awe or speechless because of the talent that’s poured into each writing. each fic is a work of art, a masterpiece, and a treasure. pls go check her out, give her some compliments on her pretty blog, her cute banners, and her amazing self! lots of must-reads all waiting on her masterlist. also,,, on a side note lol her titles are so cute and i love them with all of my heart!! uwu

-> close the distance; in twenty years time; cover me in blue; plans for wedding bands; sugar coated; victor’s game (series m.list)

@gukills POPPY! or tati, i love her so very much with all of my heart and my entire being. she’s gorgeous, radiant, bright, and an angel blessed to us from the heavens!! not only is she the sweetest, she’s so talented in both writing and art! her writings are amazing and something you should definitely check out! uwu her navigation is so cute as well, go give her some love.

-> every moment is valuable; broken glass; just out the window (two-shot)

@cupofteaguk omg omg hiiiii. LOL im sorry but traci’s blog is one of my favs!! she’s one of the first blogs i came across when first joining this fandom and is so incredibly talented. i’ve reread all of her fics millions of times and i love them so so much. they’re so cute, sweet, and hilarious. the way she writes is incredible and i love the tropes and cliche plots that she twists or tweaks to turn into masterpieces. each fic she’s written is gold and i’m always excited to see her pop up on my dash. her banners are all so adorable just like her blog. go give her some love!!

-> like flowers we bloom; the endless winter; breath of spring; hopeless hearts; take my hand (i love this one v much!)

@onherwings hi jo, i adore you with all of my heart and being. jo is such a sweet and talented soul that i’m incredibly lucky and forever grateful to be friends with!! all of her fics are amazing and totally worth the read. her writing style, the descriptive scenes, the plots, the cute banners, the funny interactions, and the way she constructs the relationships as they blossom is beautiful. it feels like a breath of fresh air, walking through a meadow of clouds and stars, and the fuzzy, warm feeling you get from being with people you love. her fics are beautiful and so fun to read. flood her mailbox with love, asks, and support!!

-> mask; the better one; reasons to say i love you

@angelguk she’s one of my favorite blogs ever (mwah!) her writings, her blog, her aesthetic, and her layout are absolutely gorgeous!! uwu they make me soft just looking at the pretty colors, matching themes, and accents. her writings are from another planet, omg, there aren’t enough words and emotions in the world to describe how utterly incredible they are. her writing style is just phenomenal and i love the way her words weave together like strands of silk into works of art. literally, hands down, one of the best writers i’ve come across on this site. i love everything about her blog and i’m sure she’s an even more amazing and beautiful person.

-> breakfast in bed; heartfelt; i wish i missed my ex; amour; phases

@cutaepatootie hi sara seems like such a lovely and sweet person so pls give her some love. ask about her day, tell her a joke, make her laugh, make her smile today. :D her writings are incredible. “A Fallen Bookmark on a Thursday Afternoon” hit so hard. i was tearing up, nearly balling my eyes out because of how realistic and genuine her fics feel. it sounds silly, but they feel like their own little worlds, waiting for you to get lost in. they bring out so many feelings and thoughts that i didn’t know i had, or haven’t really thought about. i think about it so often, and she’s one of the first blogs i came across. pls check out her fics and give her some reblogs!

a fallen bookmark on a thursday afternoon; the blue princess and her red rose; animal (series); a brief story of time; touched by a fallen star

@minflix elle is so very lovely and sweet. she reminds me of flowers because of how sweet and beautiful she is, i hope she continues to blossom. she reminds me of the ocean because of how strong, majestic, and powerful her energy and soul are. her url is so clever, we stan an intellectual in this household!! her banners are amazing??? like??? what??? when i saw them i gasped and proceeded to stare at them in wonder. her fics are even better guys!! what a surprise, pls go read them. they’re masterpieces and i’ve reread them too many times to admit. but in all seriousness, she’s absolutely wonderful and i’m super lucky to know her. go give her some love, lots of love to the sweetest bean!!

break the ice; much better; spellbound; a lack of color; the city comes alive

@yourdelights dee! deE! dEE! DEE! dee is such a talented and sweet soul. like??? she’s so sweet? you could get diabetes just from talking to her. nO seriously, she’s one of the friendliest, kindest, and nicest people on here. her fics are adorable and very funny as well as entertaining. her banners, her theme, and her navigation are so cute and stunning just like she is. go give her some love, send her some asks, start a conversation, make her smile, and be her friend!!

-> the best part of me is you; i’m sorry (drabble)

@diortae hi guys, isabel is amazing, stunning, radiant, and a literal ball of sunshine. go send her some love, reblog her fics, and make her smile!! uwu she’s such a sweet person with an even sweeter personality. her fics are so cute, funny, and fascinating. pls pls pls, check out her most recent fic if you haven’t already “An Abundance of Mondays”. each fic is its own world and tale, with its own special traits and unique twists. i love her banners and her writing style very very much. i would give her flowers if i could.

-> an abundance of mondays; the spaces between; until the spring comes again

#fic recs #blog recs #bts writing #bts scenario #bts reaction #bts fluff #bts masterlist #bts angst #bts smut

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cheolbooluvr · 3 years

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maybe there's just smth in the air! or maybe because its leo season, haha. i hope you're able to find some rest in between all the busyness, at least! (ooh, when do u start classes? im from the southern hemisphere so admittedly school years where summer break is mid year have baffled me a little... but i guess it'll be the same vice versa as well haha)

tell me about it... like maybe make asks the same on desktop and mobile, and while you're at it, have some kind of way of knowing if your message has sent properly like an outbox or something? maybe do that before u try to monetise your site like its patreon or kofi?

HAHAHA HIGH FIVE... it does except as a horror trope like... do the clothes get possessed? is it like a turnip head howls moving castle kind of situation? many questions to be answered. (look i like horror in theory and have always thought that I would be unstoppable if I wasn't such a big scaredy cat....) and yes it really is haha especially when it gets super cold and if you're like me u never use the heater because I mean I feel bad for how it'll impact the electricity bills and whatnot... out of curiosity tho how cold does it get where you are? do you see snow at all? omg? i mean I hope if its possible that it'll get fixed soon? it does remind me though back at my old place my ceiling was so tall and when the light died out I didn't know what to do because even on a ladder I was too short to change the light bulb... so I just... had no bedroom light for six months before my tall friend actually was like LET ME CHANGE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!

its not pressure at all! 💖 more like i want to catch up to speed so i can give more feedback when i can hehe. oh yeah absolutely, and like the thing about those nerves is that getting comments and interactions can really help! although imposter syndrome is like. one of those things where I'm like will u ever go away or is it just a constant thing forever, like it comes n goes in waves. still, I will say it makes me happy to hear that and see that you where you are today!!!!! like its so cool that even with your nerves you pushed through it and now you're at three hundred!!!!!!!! and honestly pretty much haha. and i don't want to ever stop growing as a person if that makes sense, like we'll always be going through new experiences since its impossible to experience every single thing life has to offer... so the thought of remaining unchanging after all that is... a little sad! yeah right? I think at those times I just need someone to smack my hand away from the edit button to just post haha. although it has been a while since I have posted, since i seem incapable of writing short things anymore, and all my wips are... too damn long...

omg yes i cannot remember the last time I saw a flattering flash picture it really washes everything out 😭 OHHHHHHH?????? THESE ARE SO NICE?????? I love how you framed the shots!!!!!! And idk what the technical term is but like the way the objects/subjects are laid out in each photo has been done with such a great eye? these are so satisfying to look at!!!!! especially if they're not usually the stuff you photograph! thank you so much for showing me!!!!

GOD i custom built mine but there was so many nerves involved. I did build two of mine, one like a year ago but like... when I did, it was a whole ass ordeal and ngl, i have no idea how 16 year old me managed to build her computer like I was just so scared of breaking anything djdjkddjdj but thank u for the reassurance! its genuinely a huge relief to hear that!

ah, do u mind if I ask what kind of fanart in particular? animations though!!!! doodly (why does my phone correct it to Doodlakine dhjdksjdjdskd) animations sounds so cute hehe. do you post them anywhere or is it just a personal endeavour? ahhh uke covers of svt songs sounds so lovely hehe. like the uke really makes any song additionally charming because its such a peppy sounding instrument. have u uploaded covers anywhere? it really shows how much u love art and again, I'm seriously in awe of how many areas you have practice in! also keke we have nearly the same Myers briggs type, only im an infp :') i have another leo friend that's an enfp, actually. go figure hahaha. gosh tho hard-core relate to never finishing things like that's a skill I never learnt how to master

honestly same haha. like I feel like with original work I get so caught up in like... how long it'll take for me to create characters? like even thinking about coming up with names... I am so bad at being decisive with them... at least with fanfic you can take an already existing person/character and sorta use them like a base and see how the au you put them changes them as a person, if that makes sense? it's just so much faster than me having to painstakingly go through the character making process... although if I am serious about turning my current fanfic into something I want to publish... I am going to have to change all the seventeen members I used to other names HAHA im not sure if I can get away with publishing a book and then wow what are the members of seventeen doing here????? (hehe I'm curious did your friend also write imagines back or?) ah it means so so so much to me that you'd be interested in reading my work ;_; like even the thought alone!!! hehe thank u though, I do appreciate that! its just... very interesting to me how often I've set things up so that when I have gaps I have to fill i surprisingly find out that somethings already been established to fit in that gap... or ill have questions that i can immediately answer through the lore and I dunno!!!! This story just feels different to all my past ones. I'm sending over writing motivation and inspiration and energy Right The Heck Now I hope you can feel it!!! and honestly even 1k a day is impressive haha, I do still have days that I can barely write 100, I just have to make them up another day...

ooh, and you enjoying your major? I did an elective in international studies and it was a lot of fun, and I really liked the teacher in it actually! do you major in anything else or is it just the one? and ah yes that does make sense haha. I'm glad you had fun though!

before I respond to this subject djjsjdjf when you were like 'idk if I mentioned this' but that's me when responding to messages ours included like I know if I haven't already I will repeat myself at some point because I never have a good grasp on what I have and haven't said to someone already. and that's genuinely so interesting! did tumblr also help with the anti-fanfic side of things? like for me I was exposed to reader insert at a pretty young age so that's been pretty much all of my fanfic from then on barring exceptions from like friend's work or their recommendations. I completely understand haha, a lot of my original stuff is in a similar state, and if I have written anything, it's like a short story that's of a side character or something!

yeah of course! authors in general and especially on tumblr should stick together i think!!!! because on some level we all know the pains of posting writing haha. (omg dhdjdhdhd i mean if you have an idea i am not surprised because I constantly worry about forgetting anon when I send messages to u 😭 although did anything in particular give you any hints?) but ahhhhh that's very kind of you! you're not obligated to at all hehe but I do appreciate the thought a lot! its funny too because while I have posted quite a few things... most of them have been posted in 2018 or earlier so they're all pretty old! I did post some things recently but it's not nearly the same amount as back then haha. either way! thank u for even wanting to read my work!

pain is just.... like it is pain but I always find it cathartic, you know? ooh though I can't say I've ever written anything that's made me cry!!! The most is that i have sat down recently and had a crisis over how in the fanfic I brought up, I made an original character and I'm not sure how, but I genuinely have x did nothing wrong syndrome for my own damn character, which has never happened before LMAO... BUT IM SO EXCITED FOR JUNFIC... I am tuned the heck in for u to post it whenever its done! I AM READY AND WAITING

HAHA gosh big same. although I will say you have the cool part down!!!!! I haven't seen it but I have heard of monster house.... IS Joshua in it???? lmfao I joke but that would be hilarious. I don't know how he got the weirdest murder but there it is. it was a little alarming but my body is usually weirdly good at like. waking me up if it feels like a scene is about to become a nightmare so thankfully I usually avoid the worst of it! although every few months or so I do get this super vivid nightmare... which i suppose is the trade off???? but thank u I was genuinely so annoyed at him HAHAHA before it faded away because I was like well, I can't really do anything with my annoyance for dream wonwoo... supposedly writing a dream journal helps with remembering dreams although it is funny rereading them after the fact and seeing how little sense I make when I just woke up. omg slow mo running when you're being chased is the WORST though, like how are u meant to escape with speed like that... and thank u for the validation HAHA like I dunno why svt keep trying to kill me in my dreams

ooh, that's so cool though? are they a theatre actor or a film/tv actor or? neither can I, but what I've heard about Joshua is that he was pretty much your average guy in high school... and from my friend who knows someone that back up danced for seventeen, they're are just as polite and friendly as everyone says, which is nice to hear!

it is sad! A little like drifting away from a friend, but I do completely understand. obviously I'm all for musical development but if u lose interest u lose interest you know!

that makes sense! I wish you luck for whenever that happens hehe, all my friends have been moving out recently!! have you picked out any names for your future pug yet? also same my mom hates pets as well haha but I could technically get one now... I just want to be in a better financial situation first!!!

hahaha omg that would be a lot of fun though, like watching two leos try to out compete each other! I would pay to watch tbh... oooh that's a lot of fire in your chart! very nice! but it is fun how it links up to your big three like that! i love those kinda coincidences, although since no one in svt is a pisces sun I sadly do not share the same experience 😔 I am with u on that though! I just think its fun the way personality quizzes are, you know? HAHA omg... i understand completely like i say this in the most loving way but jeonghan.. is such a scheming schemer sometimes

they're a lot of fun! although I've watched so many that sometimes they can repeat stuff haha. like so many of em have that time hao went through the haunted building on his own and dunked on all the guys there... or wonwoos [deep voice] tasty... eggzackle is so cute dhdjdkjdjdkd especially because i love eggs in all forms... fried, boiled, mixed into batter... LACK TOES AND TALLER AUNT... DHDJDKDHD.... tbh I think it should be spelt like this for real from now on and u can quote me on that

I DONT KNOW BUT IT WIGS ME OUT A LITTLE SOMETIMES ... like people walking around talking about how its a dream... like straight up i dream about my best friend from high school and we're catching up in the dream and I'll be like you know I'm really glad we're hanging out I've been getting dreams about hanging out with u BUT ITS ALL A DREAM LIKE HOW DO I PROCESS THAT... and thank u there will be snacks and drinks provided! you'll have a front row seat reserved! god anyone in general tbh like that special video made me lose my mind a little bit... I must away...

yeah hehe! I wrote quite a lot before chickening out at the climax of the story but even so I still love boom boom for the inspiration it gave me! and once again 😭 you're too kind! I'll definitely feel comfortable sharing but like no pressure or anything! although I checked how long ago I posted it and JDJDKSJSJS i uploaded it in 2017...... FOUR YEARS AGO................. my writing has changed a lot since then HAHA but I was... thinking of rewriting this boom boom fic to reflect my newer writing style!!!! swimming fool is peak summer fun haha, even the choreo is a lot of fun to watch! also question i must ask... which unit is your favourite?

junhaos my i should be immortalised in sculpture and placed in a museum and that's just the truth!!!!! I said what I said!!!! and id say I agree with u, but with so many perf unit faves id probably come off as biased haha. and yes I do know I think??? I believe it was your name?????

- 😺 carat anon

ugh idk what it is but i need time to slow down a bit D: i start classes in 2 weeks on the 23rd! i checked my schedule bc i totes forgot what class i was taking, but i'm taking a marketing class which might be fun?? idk who knows honestly i wanna drop out but whatever. OH! southern hemi!! honestly? american education system lowkey doesn't make sense in general so i don't blame you there.

yeah tumblr plz get your $#!t together first smh. omg wait yeah that's a great idea bc the amount of times i wasn't sure i sent my assigned blog an ask akfjadlfj UGH whatever, i don't think anyone on here actually supports plus posts so i'll just let it die like it's supposed to. YA HEAR THAT TUMBLR???? STAY IN YO LANE.

OMG TURNIP HEAD <333 plz i am the biggest scaredy cat and am the first to go in a horror situation? i'm the one who tries to talk everyone out of doing whatever stupid thing they want to do, and then somehow i still get dragged into it and STILL die first. bye.

but YEAH OMG it's like a DIY weighted blanket!! why use a heater when you can sleep under a huge pile of clothes :D oh it actually gets pretty cold where i am! i technically live in a desert, but what ppl don't realize is that deserts get cold, too. it's very dry here, so it gets to -9 degrees C??? idk how to do the degree thing, but i figure since you're not in america, F probably isn't a good gauge. but yeah, it gets cold and we do get snow!!! it snowed so much earlier this year, oh i loved it so much. i wrote a wonwoo drabble(?) based on it, and ugh. snow is so romantic to me :') it's just so pretty, and the crunching under your feet when you walk...ugh. love it. love it it so freaking much!

omg yeah so obvi, again i have been slacking w my asks so this is v late, but i got the light fixed! my neighbor fixed it for me thank the lord. THANK GOD FOR TALL FRIENDS!!!!! GLAD THEY WERE THERE TO HELP bc omg i would just be so dramatic abt it. i'd be like, 'oh no i'm dying, i can't seeeeeee~~!!!' anyways.

EEP THANK YOU <333 i am giving you virtual hugs and love bc it rly does mean a lot to me :( yeah plz, imposter syndrome GO AWAY!!! it totally does come and go in waves, i felt that hard. nothing, and i mean nothing, irks me more than ppl who refuse to change and grow. it's truly one of my biggest pet peeves. UGH DON'T GET ME STARTED CUZ I'LL GO OFF FOREVER >:[ it is sad tho, like hello, you could be changing for the better, but you just choose to stay the same ol stale boring person??? okay, fine whatever your loss -_-

nothing wrong w long wips!! i am seeing the joy of writing long fics now (thank u jun) but damn my brain was all over the place! esp bc i don't write in chronological order. but plz if you ever feel like sharing, my dms are open always and i rly would love to read your work <33

AHHHH THANK YOU!!! the technical term would be composition :D you're so sweet omg :((( i rly just love capturing candid moments the most, seeing ppl be happy...i rly do have so much love for photography and the way it has shifted the way i see things. it was my pleasure!! i might have to revamp my photography sideblog and post those there LOL (so actually, this is my return to tumblr since like...2012 and i had a photography sideblog and that just never took off, but hmm....thinking......)

OMG YEAH WOW GO YOU FOR BUILDING YOUR OWN PC THAT'S SO IMPRESSIVE. plz i had to text my friend and have him walk me thru what cables i'm supposed to buy bc aha LOL i bought an extra hard drive and no extra cables for the motherboard :D but he's giving me some extra, so we're good there!!

oh for sure! also svt fanart LOL i've really jumped into the deep end w them afkladjffkds. but yeah it's fun!! i've posted a lot of stuff on my stan twt LOL so they are on the internet! i'd be happy to share them once we do the big reveal or smth :D yessss i love the uke, and actually i used to play the violin, and i'd love fidgeting w it and plucking it like it was a guitar, and i tried to play guitar but my fingers are not flexible enough, so uke it was! and it's so easy to learn. oh! my covers are also on twt but honestly, they're not that good lol. i'm not rly a singer, tho i'm not tone deaf at least (i hope). but i'm trying my hardest to learn bc i love singing T^T

OMG ANOTHER INFP i swear everyone i know is an infp??? my sister jokes abt how she collects enfps, so maybe i collect infps??? it only makes sense hehe BUT YEAH WHAT IS IT W US XNFPS NEVER FINISHING STUFF AFKJADKLJADL my brain is always just like hey wait what if you do this, and i'm like oooh interesting, and in the middle of that, my brain is like OOH WHAT ABT THIS and i'm like okay but can i finish??? and my brain goes, but WHAT IF and then i'm forced to think abt it until i forget abt my current idea

OH MAN ORIGINAL CHARACTERS ARE SO HARD. i talked abt this a lot w one of my friends, but i like fanfic bc i can just base characters off real ppl and it's so much easier but, ask me to do world building on my own??? phew that'll take YEARS. but yeah omg i think changing the names should be easy right?? just find and replace them LOL i rly hope you get to publish! i was talking to some folks today abt if their dream was ever to be an author, and it was interesting, some said yes, some said no. but for me, i would love to see my name on book shelves :'] idk i think it would be rly fun!!

my friend kinda would, but it was mostly me! and that was all fine by me, i rly didn't mind. but yes!! if you're comfy sharing, plz i would love to read :))) i need to read more, honestly. just in general. i don't do it enough LOL (how tf am i supposed to be a published author if i don't read other ppl's works akljdalkds). but thank you!!! and sending all that energy back to you as well!!! <33

my major was fun!! it was nice bc we basically got to pick our courses to our own interests, so it was great having that freedom in my undergrad studies. that was my major, i also minored in mandarin chinese!! language :] and now i'm getting a masters of business administration so i can make money T^T

no yeah i completely agree lol i'm like...this feels familiar...turns out i mentioned it already LMFAO HELP. but yeah i think tumblr did help!! i was suuuuper reluctant at first like, ugh, reader inserts can't be good -_- BUT THEY CAN BE AND THEY ARE!!!!!!!! oooh that's awesome that you've been reading reader insert since you were young!! kinda wish i did too, tbh. i wonder if that would have jumpstarted my writing career at all. oh well.

oh!! maybe i should try writing side stories for my characters just to establish their back story :o that's such a good idea omg thank you for that!

OMG YES I AGREE. man, i rly had no idea what authors go thru, but now...now i'm feeling it. the post writing pain is so true. or even pain during writing like writer's block UGH.

okay so i had an idea, but now i'm not sure anymore given your timezone LOL. so it's back to the drawing board :{ but also i like surprises so i'm not gonna spoil this for myself hehe

but yes omg i can't wait to find out who you are so i can read them!! even if it's old, it would be so awesome to see how your writing style has changed! and ofc it's a pleasure! but only share if you feel comfy, otherwise i won't bug you too much abt it :)

we love pain in this house!! i rly do love things that make me cry and hurt LOL so 100% agree w you on the catharsis it brings. i told someone i cry to relieve stress and they were like....r u ok.... and i was like yeah, that's eggzacklee why i'm good yo. i let out my emotions like that smh. omg noooo that sounds stressful but i love when you write smth and you make yourself feel things hahahaha like damn wow that has to be one of the most fun things abt writing imo. i mean, they say write the stories you want to read, right?

BUT AH I'M ANSWERING THIS BY THE TIME JUN FIC IS OUT SO I'M SORRY AGAIN THAT I'M LATE BUT I HOPE YOU LIKE IT!!! it's definitely painful, and so far the general consensus is that it has made ppl cry.... so.....uh...take that as a warning haha :]

joshua is the house yes. so it makes perfect sense why you had that dream. LOL JK but that is so strange but also hilarious like WHY IS HE A HOUSE HELP but also. i can't talk bc my brain does weird things at night too. omg is it a recurring nightmare??? that's terrifying. also, on the subject of sleep/dreams, have you ever been in sleep paralysis? and can you lucid dream at all?

yeah i used to record my dreams, but lately i haven't and i miss vivid dreaming so much :( i love re-reading my dreams bc then i remember them exactly and sometimes i have these rly lovely dreams and it's my short escape from reality lol. but yeah omg, idk why, i always escape bc luckily i am semi-conscious in my dreams and i'm like oh they'll never catch me. and they don't so, smth is working! yeah i'll fight svt w you, like how dare you fight my friend!!!! SMH.

my friend is a film/tv actor! pretty cool stuff, he was actually in an oscar winning movie so that's cool!! but aww that's cute :[ i like the idea of average joshua, that makes me rly happy for some reason hahaha. but that's great omg i'm glad. they rly do seem just like genuinely kind ppl. you know how sometimes you look at idols, and you just kinda get the vibes that they're...bratty or the vibe is off? like if you met them irl, it wouldn't be pleasant? i def don't get that w svt.

oh yeah, i always joke that they're my ex-bfs lol. it rly feels that way, and i wish i didn't feel this way, but you're right. and life goes on (by bts LOL).

no names yet, i think i need to see my pupper first before i give them a name! it'll probably come to me then :) but maybe smth epic would be cool, or maybe greek myth names cuz i am a sucker for mythology!! also random, but i was answering this ask on my desktop and i hit the word limit!!! jkdhaskfjas stupid t*mblr. but yeah, totally agree w that. i want to be more financially stable than i am rn. i rly rly want a big doggy tho :(((( but that’s expensive T^T

it’s interesting how ppl perceive me to be very put together and organized, but i’m so…chaotic a lot of the time. I LOVE PERSONALITY QUIZZES OMG they are fun. we had to do some at my work and i was SUPER EXCITED bc i was like omg this is my shit. and it lines up so well w who i am and helping me further understand the person i could be.

oh jeonghan is my enemy >:[ (affectionate). i will fight him knowing i would lose, but i’d do it anyway. OMG MINGHAO IN THE TAG IS SO CUTE PLZ I LOVE HIM SM. and tasty is so iconic but also i can’t help but just lose my shit anytime i hear him say it lmfao

OMG SO META THAT’S TRULY AMAZING I LOVE YOUR BRAIN. like i mentioned a little earlier, i am semi-aware i’m dreaming but never enough to be like, yeah, this is a dream and we’re in a dream and i’m dreaming of you, so that’s rly freaking cool.

YAY SNACKS AND DRINKS I CAN’T WAIT!!!! omg anyone. special. video. BYE. race car driver!svt is so UGH. I’M UPSET T^T they rly did not have to look that good. like at all. unwarranted. out of pocket. hate them for it.

wahhhh i hope you get to revisit it soon!! plz i want to read it, i’m super curious what kind of story boom boom could have sparked! :D but yeah, if you wanna rewrite it before sharing or smth, that’s totes good w me, whatever you’d like!! 4 years is a long time, and honestly i’m sure i’ll want to rewrite a lot of my fics in 4 years LOL

which unit T^T this is honestly so hard bc like i love all of them??? but……..i think i love performance unit’s songs the most?? 247, lilili yabbay, my i (junhao but close enough), swimming fool, shhh, wave. and their performances too??? SO GOOD PLZ. but i have so much love for vocal and hip hop unit bc obvi…cheol…and boo…….luvr…..aha…that’s me……what abt you?? (i’m guessing also perf unit LOL) wait did i ever ask you who your biases were??? are they…junhao mayhaps?

BUT SPEAKING OF JUNHAO—OMG JUNHAO MY I AS A SCULPTURE?! PLZ I WANT THAT!!!! for a second i was like…what about my name…..but then i realized you meant YOUR NAME the anime and oh my god that’s my sister’s fave movie. she LOVES that movie. i do too. it’s so good and so beautiful and the story line. ugh. that’s like a happy pain, ya know??? so good T^T

#cheolbooluvr asks #😺 carat anon #carat anon event 💎

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