#this time In not AS high since it’s been like 6 hrs since my last pill snack lol

[wuppydog]

hello new followers who are, amazingly, actual human beings! it is very nice to not have to report & block every single account that follows me 🥹🐶🙏💜✨

[octuscle]

I went to my high school reunion and was reminded of how so many of these guys were the big cocky jocks. I wish I could go back and be a huge cocky teenage jock like they were.

It's 11:00 a.m. and the principle of your former high school is giving an incredibly boring speech on the occasion of the farewell ceremony for the current graduating class. And to the alumni who are celebrating the tenth anniversary of their graduation this year. So here's to you and your former classmates.

You let your gaze wander through the auditorium. Some of your classmates are still as hot as they were ten years ago. Others have let themselves go a little. Unfortunately, you are one of them. Yes, your expensive suit hides a lot. But you can't deny that you are even fatter and untrained than you were ten years ago.

Fuck, now this year's seniors are coming on stage to collect their diplomas. Did they spend all of high school in the gym. Your cock produces precum in greater quantity as you watch the studs pass by on stage. What would you give to get your diploma again.

After an hour, the ceremony is over. There is a reception for the graduates and the jubilarians. Actually, you shouldn't be here. It's only been nine years since you graduated. But there must have been a mistake with the invitations. And hey, some of the guys who had left high school a year before you were really hot, with some of them you had a flirt or a one night stand or two. Fortunately, no one asks you why you are here today. Basically, every alumni is allowed to come to the ceremony. And at least you receive a few compliments. Hehehe, the last year at the gym seems to be paying off. But it's about time, you weren't exactly sporty for long enough.

After an hour it starts to get boring. You haven't been to your hometown for ages. You drive to the mall and stroll through the shops. You were actually unsure whether you should go to the prom tonight. But somehow you would like to. Finally an occasion to buy a dinner jacket. Most of the shops look too expensive for you. Or nothing fits you. But it's 4 p.m. when you stand in front of the mirror of a plus-size men's clothing store. You've been lifting iron for five years. Every free minute. And it shows. And that makes buying suits really difficult. But you look fantastic in that dinner jacket. And luckily it's reasonably cheap. You're just out of college, so your money's not that loose yet. But now just one more coffee and then back home. You promised your parents to have dinner with them before you go to the ball.

Your parents are happy when you ring the doorbell at 6 pm. After the summer, you start your senior year at college. Your mother is already complaining that she won't see you again. And why you still don't have a boyfriend. And whether you would like to adopt children. After all, they want to have grandchildren. You smile and praise her cooking.

Around 20:00, dinner is over. Your father retires to the television with a cigar. Your mother tidies up the kitchen. And you go into the garage to the gym of your father and yourself. Before you go out today, you want to pump up your muscles. Some of your mates want to go to your high school prom later. You are glad that you finally closed this chapter a year ago. For the right training effect, you give yourself another shot. Since you started using anabolic steroids. you've become a beast.

22:00 hrs. Good workout. The guys will pick you up in half an hour. You could take a quick shower. But what for? First of all, you love the smell of fresh sweat after training. And secondly, you'll just be hanging out in the car park in front of the gym anyway, maybe blowing each other. And every once in a while, one of the high school seniors will surely come from the prom, smoke a cigarette with you, and maybe get a blowjob. Or give you a blowjob. Your cock is legendary with the juniors. You're really going to miss some of the seniors next year. But then you'll be a senior in high school and it'll be the year of your life.

[ador3him]

hello! can you do “i’d never turn down a kiss from you.” with dream??

pairing: Dream x gn!reader

warnings: alcohol usage/abuse (not that noticeable but can be interpreted that way) swearing

requested? yes by anon

word count: 630

a/n: WOOOO NO.4 OUT OF 10 its offical guys I am only doing 10 of these quick writes for the event. SO, REQUEST QUICK!!!!! (many bc i j found out i am moving this weekend so i dont exactly have time to be writing a billion) any request that are out of the 10 i will still do! just not is the 24hr time period (it will still be a part of the 150 event though!) I got this request at 6:31am AEST (16 hrs agoish)

Dreams’ eyes widen at the sight before him. A messy, drunken y/n. Their hair knotty- almost matted, their eyes droopy and their smile lopsided. The straps of their top falling down without notice as their arms wrap around Dreams’ neck bringing his for a hug, y/n basically hanging from his neck from the height difference.

“Hello D-Dream,” y/n slurs stumbling into the foyer of his house, they felt tiny inside the high roofed mansion he lived in. Dream looks stunned, y/n barely if ever drinks this much. Sure, they drink every week, but not so much that they are rocking up at their best friends’ house stumbling and slurring words. “y/n, why are you drunk and at my house,” he pinches the bridge of his nose sighing at the scene: y/n on the couch trying yanking off a pair of shoes failing miserably. y/n just shrugs unsure of why they are actually here. Dream had just gotten home after being at LA for TwitchCon for a good week and a half. After TwitchCon Dream and George went to a café with Addison Rae, the stunning Addison Rae, jealously immediately boiled within y/n and they haven’t stopped drinking in the 2 days since the photo has been posted.

“C’mere give me your foot,” Dream motions for y/ns’ foot. “Why of course my royal slave, get me out of my shackles,” y/n retorts in a fake as ever British accent which was utterly horrible but he just chuckles. He gently unties their shoelaces and shimmies the shoe off of each foot being careful and slow not wanting to yank their foot like they were to themselves before.

“Look you are drunk and incoherent, lets get you to bed and we can talk about this tomorrow. Hm?” Dream offers a hand and pulls up y/n, they latch onto his arm and trudge slowly to his room- well toward his room. They were extremely slow so Dream lifts y/n up and carries them to his bed effortlessly. He lays them down and hands them a pair of his sweatpants and his hoodie, walking out the room. “Where are you going?” y/n soft voice startles him, not expecting them to be so soft-spoken after before. “I am going to sleep on the couch,” he answers as if it’s the most obvious thing ever. “Nuh-uh,” they walk over to the door- tripping a bit- and pull on his arm. He follows them to the bed thinking he would sneak out when they fall asleep.

“Can I kiss you Dreamy?” y/n breaks the silence that fell between them for 2 minutes. A couple more seconds and Dream would’ve assumed that they were asleep. “I’d never turn down a kiss from you, y/n but you’re drunk, and I am not taking advantage of you like that, have a good sleep,” Dream moves out from under them and kisses their forehead goodnight.

He sleeps on the couch that night- well more like lays there until the sun is fully up a couple hours later as y/n came to his house pretty early in the morning. He walks to y/n his room with water and some Panadol, planning on placing it on the bed side table and leave but y/n is wide awake groaning softly. “Rough night?” Dream jokes handing them the hangover supplies. “Fuck up,” they mumble taking the water and Panadol. He lifts his arms in surrender and goes to leave the room- maybe to make breakfast for them both and his 2 other roommates. “I remember what I asked you last night, I am sorry,” y/n blurts out. “I stand by what I said I’d never turn down a kiss from you.” He says and walks out of his room.

Just fucking walks away leaving y/n stunned.

[oldfangirl81]

I hate that once you have med trauma everything adds to it. Dentist issues today.

Today's emergency dentist appointment just reinforced why I avoided them. Didn't listen. Didn't give a single fuck about the pain beyond "well if it gets bad you can take 1 Advil every 6 hrs". I'm taking two every 4hrs last night to get a few hours of sleep. I'm using heat, ice and orajel. I am using a ridiculously high amount of THC and CBD and I'm still crying in pain.

After I said three different times no I wasn't on antibiotics he finally realized that no I wasn't on antibiotics. So supposedly he is calling in amoxicillin.

Then he referred me to one who will either do a root canal or extraction. They can't get me in until Friday...my birthday. That is also not treatment but consult only visit too.

So I've cancelled my birthday/latkes party again. Last year was cancelled because of me catching COVID. This year I doubt I won't be hurting and not able to enjoy myself.

Mom and I are fighting because she's trying to tell me what to do. And I'm in too much pain to think rationally right now. And she can't respect me when I ask for space on a subject too often. Dad is trying to play mediator yet again.

Mom would like me to try their dentist to see if they can get all the treatment started before Friday. But that would be paying out of pocket, since we have different insurance. And I hate the idea of having my parents pay $10,000 on my fucked up teeth.

My teeth are the one physical sign of depression I hate. In part because my mom always stressed how my maternal grandmother last words were about taking care of teeth and not getting dentures. Which is funny considering she died at 60 from ignoring colon cancer signs.

But for years my teeth have been a mess. Well combo of genetics, depression and meds that affected my teeth as a kid. I just want the current pain to stop.

[ambiguousintentions]

4.9.2024 Reflection

Damn. It's been more than a year since I left education and half a year since I ditched my last set of friends (had to; they hurt me bad, and their texts were beginning to trigger anxiety attacks).

Sober for about 3 weeks now for an electrician apprenticeship I applied for. Couldn't do corporate- fuckers wanted to only give me a $1.50/hr raise after I reworked their entire operations system and developed SOPs for them. Making silly YouTube videos in the meanwhile, which is honestly so fun. If only it could be more lucrative though- then I'd truly be living.

Ever since I ditched my friends, I just keep trying to reflect on all the ways I'm shitty. Am I just too sensitive? Was I actually not a good friend? Was I not educated enough? Was I too offensive? Too snobbish? Not proactive enough? What could I have done to make them care about me more?

All of those are probably true to some degree, but it's hard to tell what degree. It's easy to feel like everything's your fault. My fault for getting too upset too easily, for not letting social issues go, for not knowing when to just chill. To be honest, I've kind of stopped trying to make friends. I just feel like I'm wasting everyone's time. Why bother when I know that I'm just 4th choice? I know you're barely enjoying this conversation; I'll release you from it. Sorry.

But today one of my students found the Gen Alpha rant video I made about 3-4 months ago, where I detailed about problems I saw in the education system. When I left education, I left my last high school once fall semester was over; admin had about a month to find a replacement for me, which I thought was reasonable enough time. The student who commented on my video yelled at me for leaving them and asked why I couldn't just suck it up, because they had an apathetic sub for the rest of the year. They said that I shouldn't blame my colleagues (cause I blamed them for playing movies all the time and literally letting the kids literally re-enact squid games instead of actually learning and doing work, which lead to a lot of shitty attitudes and behavior (and of course there were other criticisms but they agreed with those)) since they were probably experiencing the same stress I was experiencing. But they also said that my class was the only class they felt like they learned from.

I feel like crying. I feel strangely validated. Thanks; I didn't know you were actually learning from my class. I'm so happy to hear you learned. You're right though- I am weak. Sorry. I don't know how to fix that. I'm working on it, but I don't know how to do that faster. I don't know what I could possibly do now to fix my mistake of leaving. Am I your deadbeat dad???

I do that often I think. Sometimes people want to get to know me, but I've already decided we've got nothing in common. I don't want to bore them, and I wouldn't want them to bore me. So I give up before I give it an honest effort.

But it just has me thinking... how many times has this probably happened? I leave because I'm failing when in reality I'm not??? I leave because I feel myself getting increasingly bitter and frustrated and know that if I stay in that same place for too long, I'm going to blow up and do or say something I'll regret. It's just... it takes me so long to reflect on things. To figure out how I feel. I mean, fuck, I'm finally at a place where I feel like I COULD potentially have a conversation with one of my old friends without having an anxiety attack, but it's been 6 fucking months.

I feel like a mess. I've been repeatedly transforming myself for the last decade. I looked back on my posts from years ago, and I can't help but feel like I still harbor the same underlying issues. I feel like the wisdom I've gained over the years has helped me control the damage a bit better yet at the same time the collective damage is breaking me. I wonder when I'll be done transforming and finally settle into the form I've made for myself.

And yet. At the same time... when I look back at those posts... and see how upset I was ten years ago- similar to how upset I was in the past year-

I can't help but laugh and smile at the journey I've been on. Such a winding and long journey only to end up in the same psychological spot but in a different physical setting. Did I truly go anywhere? Is the whole point to do another cycle just so you can laugh all over again about the convoluted way you took just to arrive back in your haunted home of a body?

[findingmypeace]

I know I haven't written an indepth update for a while. I just wrote this in an email to my outpatient therapist and dietitian. We've exchanged emails every so often just to keep them in the loop.

I'm going to put my latest response under a cut because I feel like it's way too much of a 'debbie downer' kind of post.

As an update, things are quite bad... I've never felt so much self-hatred, and this depressed, hopeless, and alone. Insurance has approved iop through 12/31/2023 but that is to be expected because that is the last day of my coverage with (current insurance plan) and (new insurance plan). However, I'm pretty sure this will be my last week of iop because there's not much more they can do for me. I'm really, really scared of what will happen if I don't have that little bit of extra support.

I talked to my parents... My brother's wedding was Nov. 18th. I'm not quite sure where things are at. My Mom texted and then called me on Thanksgiving and we had a 2-3 minute conversation.

(RY) and I have drifted apart quite a bit. That hurts so much. I feel almost entirely alone.

Sleep was crazy for a while. First night eating. That stopped but then I started waking myself from kicking while saying how much I hate myself and to "Make it stop." It's calmed down a lot since a huge increase in my night meds and since I've gotten new bedding.

I do not at all recognize my body. I saw my weight a month ago and at that time I was (X). I can't imagine where it's at now. Every time I see my reflection anywhere, the disgust is sky high. I despise my body which in turn increases my self-hatred so much.

I love (program director at php/iop). I feel like she's the only one that will tell it to me straight and I trust her so much. Last week she met with me and we discussed that I've been in a relapse for a while. I'd have to say I agree with her...  ED behaviors are weird, in fact I'd say it's tortuous. It's a mixture of b/ping, restricting, and grazing. My meal plan has pretty much flown out the window. Of course this has only increased my self-hatred. And I'm scared. I CAN NOT stay at this weight but what will happen in full relapse? I don't know if my body can withstand that and I don't want all of this treatment for nothing.

Dissociation has been happening frequently and it's intense and scary. Essentially I'll get online, go down the rabbit hole, and then it's 6-7hrs later and I look around and realize what's happened and have to reorient myself back to existing in the real world. I tried so many things to prevent it but at this time I've kind of given up. It usually happens on the weekend when I have the day free. At this point, I think I need to not be in my apartment at all, even on my days off.

Work is great but stressful because of constant deadlines. It's kind of hard to maintain deadlines when I'm spending 5hrs/day (2 of those hrs are for commuting) dedicated to treatment. Add in the dissociation and I'm almost always getting 4-5hrs of sleep a night because I'm either staying up super late or getting up super early to get things done on time.

That said, I have gotten a lot out of treatment this time. It's all in my head. I have such a hard time putting everything I've learned into action. It's all there but the depression, hopelessness, and self-hatred are so intense that doing anything takes a HUGE amount of energy.

So not the greatest update. I'm sorry if this is super depressing or pessimistic. I'm just really not in a good place.

[viktoriakomova]

And for the record, Riley's parents (mom, mostly, it sounds like) absolutely share responsibility. I acknowledge that the whole dynamic between parents of elite athletes and coaches is nuanced and complicated, especially by the fact that you're triangulating with the wants and needs of what are typically very ambitious and talented children, but this goes beyond the average elite gymnast mom stuff.

What we're hearing about Riley's case specifically goes way beyond the [already kind of distorted and fucked up priorities, imho] "pull my kid out of middle school so they can train for 30+ hrs a week and drive them to a gym at 6am 5x a week and pay huge sums of money for the privilege" shit. Even beyond turning a blind eye to regular injuries and writing it off as something that just comes with the territory of elite gymnastics.

Laurie was already gone from MG elite by the end of 2016, and it wasn't a secret that she left on bad terms with Maggie. Nor were any of the stories we've heard about Maggie's behavior during training. (Riley's mother was reportedly in regular attendance at the gym during training hours and she would have known about these things, if not seeing them herself then definitely hearing about it later that day.) Jazzy got the fuck out of there as fast as she could after her 2016 elite season was over. She literally speed-ran the rest of her bullshit online high school to go to Florida an entire year early, without even telling Maggie that was her plan lol. Maggie was the last to know. I wonder why...

And most chillingly of all, Emily Liszewski's injury (the one who hit her head on concrete after balking on a skill on bars that Maggie and Victoria Levine refused to spot her on and had a seizure while they laughed and mocked her) happened very early in Riley's tenure at MG Elite. that was in early 2016. It had been less than a year since she started there. And the cherry on top is that before the McCuskers relocated to New Jersey, Riley boarded with Emily's family. Their own kid lived with this girl and her family. They weren't strangers.

RILEY WAS STILL A JUNIOR ELITE FOR ALL OF THE ABOVE. NONE OF THIS WAS NEW INFORMATION FOR HER PARENTS.

Not just that, they watched as their own kid developed an eating disorder and osteopenia, fractured several bones (including her fucking PELVIS which is not easy to break) and had a few severe muscle and joint injuries too. that was even before the "rhabdo." And riley stayed at that gym for 6 more months after THAT.

AND THE INCIDENT AT THE WORLD CUP HAPPENED A FULL 18 MONTHS PRIOR TO LEAVING. (maybe closer to 2 years actually)

everyone in this goddamn shitshow is an asshole except for the teenage girl in the middle of all of it. was fucking NOBODY in this child's life looking out for her wellbeing as a person and not her gymnastics career?

and re: my point in my last post about trust and honesty, I would be 0% shocked if we were to find out that the calorie counts/food logs are in fact much lower than Riley (and by extension, her mother, based on things I've heard) reported to doctors/PTs/Maggie etc. Especially if you take macronutrient restriction and the timing of meals/food consumption into account and dont JUST look at the caloric intake.

[theadventuresofsteven]

lmao im leaving so im not alone

I guess this is like one of those “oh no i went for a walk through the past and now im feeling nostalgic” moments (insert ‘bruh’ sound effect). It’s not healthy for me to keep coming back to this website that reminded me of everything that I was when I was young. Maybe the memories that I missed with people that were significant in my life (cough cough @dreamcowboy) were the main factors that I would remanence about the past. But the reason why I missed the past so much was because now that I’m an architect in Hawaii and being a full ass adult is terrifying, this concept makes me feel like Atlas carrying the burdens of the world. Except the “world” in this metaphor is alcoholism and chronic masturbation. It got to the point where I would run to past experiences since, although not all of those memories were great, they were at least comforting and familiar.

 Replaying moments in my head made me at least feel like I wasn’t alone and that maybe I wasn’t turning into a miserable 50 year old white man that day drinks because their wife has an opioid problem and that Frank from HR didn’t just tank his entire retirement pension. The past was always a place in which I could come back to if the world was too harsh to handle. But the more I went back to the past the more I realized this weird contradicting feeling that would creep over me. The feeling that even though I was running to a time when I felt not alone, it only made me feel even more alone. Well, bud, that’s cause I could always return to a place that no one inhabits anymore. You know how in Mario 64 you can jump into those lil paintings and the mario guy goes “yahoo its mario time”? Thats what it felt like. But when I would come back I was still just mario and those adventures were just memories. 

(Bro that fucking mario analogy gave me a fucking aneurism i think my irresponsible bad habits have fully killed my brain cells)

So i’ve decided to stop running to the past and move forward where everyone else is. Maybe that way I won’t feel this constant impending dread. 

:^)

So why even write this whole thing? Who do I have to prove this shit to? Well honestly it’s like one of the last places where I can still see what Dri (if you still go by that) is up to. So this is the part where I kinda directly just address you (hehe sorry bud but it has been like 5 years). 

I know I fucked up a lot in high school and I know I was a terrible partner to you and put you through some of the most heinous shit. I definitely shouldn’t have dropped off those things at your door but honestly since seeing that post you made about how much I fucked up your life I thought that one last throw of “hey im sorry man i hope we can be square” was a good idea lol. 

I know you definitely don’t want to ever hear from me every again cause I was terrible to you, but to me it’s not that simple. You were legit a huge part of my life and you were actually the first human being that I could look in the eyes and say without a shadow of a doubt that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I know I didn’t show it but also I was a hormonal teenager. Looking back at every other person I’ve ever been with they really were just extensions of the personality of you that I always loved. 

But i know I’m pushin this shit too far or whatever. I really wished that we could’ve kept in touch but i know that doing so wouldn’t have helped either of us so I guess after 5 (6?) years i’m gonna try and stop going back and reliving moments that we shared. (sappy i know but hey my understanding of love is litterally based off of Television and Movies so don’t blame me, blame the Adam Smith and his invisible hand).

I really wish the best for you and your family (hope your dog is doin well :^) ) and I’m truly sorry for ruining things between us. I’m gonna stalk your page more to read those poems you wrote about me one last time before I finally log off this cesspool of a website lol. 

Take care, Dri. 

Yours Truly,

Changqi

[crones-trash]

I'm bone-tired but I gonna try to be coherent. Leaving Evanston WY this morning, I passed an altitude sign that read 6980 feet, which was weird. That was the exact altitude where I crossed the Continental Divide. Not saying there aren't places around the world w/ the same height. Just a meaningful coincidence that I slept at that level & woke up feeling actually fine. I started the day at pain level 3. My usual normal state is 5 then can get worse as the day goes forward. I didn't get a 2-point advantage because I'm currently suffering at level 8. This is the point where I chose to take half of an oxycodone tablet instead making a pointless trip to an ER. But that would be the end of my day & I still want to write.

Fairly quickly I-80 descended into Utah via a series of steep inclines w/ crazy curves around the shoulders of mountains at the bottom. The Speed Limit had been 80 but warning signs made everyone ride their brakes all the way down to make those scary curves.

I got a slight headache & my upper lip started to tingle like I was hyperventilating. I wasn't panting but I used the same treatment--inhaling thru my nose to a count of 4 then blowing out thru my mouth to 6. Repeating this led to yawning, which popped my ears & made my headache go away. It would seem there's a reverse version of altitude sickness when you descend 2000 feet in less than an hour.

When the mountains parted, instead of seeing Salt Lake City laid out like a perfect toy town, the rising sun made a layer of haze brilliant white & hid everything including the Oquirch Mountain Range on the other side of the broad valley basin.

I lived in SLC 30 years ago & know being surrounded by high mountains occasionally caused smog inversions that would last a week at the most. But this haze was different, white instead of brownish. Also it wasn't locked inside the rim of the basin. The wind blew it steadily northward. It got thicker as I passed the upper edge of the Great Salt Lake. I could barely see the Wasatch Range looming nearby on my right. Egad.

The article keeps using the word "could" about something that clearly IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!

This white dust storm pursed me into Idaho, obscuring the mountain views ahead & on both sides. After going past Pocatello, it thinned. But even here in Idaho Falls, there's a white haze on the horizon w/ a clear blue sky above it. I'm too old to care how much arsenic I may have inhaled today. A small dose is used to treat psoriasis & might be beneficial for me. Who knows? All I know is I had a fairly easy day & feel terrible.

BREAKING NEWS: Siri tried to send me on another side trip by telling me to exit I-15 to get on Hwy 26. We were 32 miles from Idaho Falls & 26 wasn't on my list of Google Map-approved routes. I took the exit while she instructed me to turn left when I knew Idaho Falls would be on the right. I had a moment at a red light at the bottom of the ramp to see a sign that clearly pointed to I-15 as the route to my destination. When the light turned green, I drove straight back on ramp to I-15.

Siri had nothing more to say about it, which was even weirder. I have taken wrong turns in the past & she immediately devised a route to put me back on course. But, not this time. I should research if this is happening to other people. Has this massive computer network become a rogue AI?

When I got back online, the first thing I did was see where she would have sent me. This side trip would have lasted 1.5 hrs because when 26 intersected 20, I would have turned right & eastward across I-15 straight into downtown Idaho Falls. I wonder what I missed seeing...

[jhtechgeek2011]

Still struggling

Since my last post, my life has changed but it isn't easier. I stopped working all those 6 and 7-day stretches of 2nd shifts and for a while worked 3rd shift 5 days a week until I caught Covid-19 and my job didn't give me my shift back. I then started working all 3 shifts every week until I finally got fed up and got a note from my therapist stating for treatment to work that I needed to work a consistent shift meaning, not all 3 in the same week and not where I have to sleep at different times as when I would work 1st and 3rd shift.

My shifts were a bit better by this point, consisting of one 1st shift and three 2nd shifts, but when my manager got my letter she assumed consistent meant only 2nd shift for some reason. I explained to her that I just meant not working all over the place to the point I couldn't sleep and eat on a consistent schedule and that the 1 first 3 2nd shifts schedule was ok. My manager told me the general manager sent it to HR and we had to wait and see what they said while continuing to give me only 3 days a week.

I am a full-time employee it is NOT legal to give me part-time hours, and 24 hours a week is part-time hours. The GM also tried to justify it by saying that they can give me 24 hours a week if it's not a certain amount of time in a 3-month period which is CRAP! It is not legal to give someone full-time less than 30 or 32 hours a week at ALL. I applied for unemployment and am considering reporting them to the labor board.

I just got paid today and my check was SAD! If I had to pay my whole rent without my boyfriend paying half I would be screwed! I wouldn't have enough for anything else besides the rent. I already can barely afford the bills I pay when it's not time for the rent check like it is this time. I am so upset and worried! I need to find another job and some other ways of making money because I do NOT have enough at all.

My other issue today was those obnoxious guys at the car wash behind my house were being particularly ridiculous. One guy was doing this high-pitched annoying whistle all day no matter if I would get mad and yell for him to cut it out. The other guy was yelling and doing his horrible loud half-yell laugh thing he has. I was getting so angry and frustrated. I just yelled it all out until those guys finally shut up. I wish I could put my AC unit back in the window and drown them out with it but it's not warm enough out yet.

On another note, my boyfriend has been in and out of the house since he got home from work and it's worrying me. He went downstairs to the bar we live above to watch basketball but he has a problem when he goes in there he is tempted by the slot machines to gamble and he really shouldn't gamble because he has a bit of an issue with that and has done some dumb things when he has gotten on those slot machines down there. I just want him to stay home and out of that place. But he's working on it though. He came right home tonight after the basketball went off. I am glad he did.

On a final note, I have returned to school to obtain my degree in Psychology. Right now I am in the Bachelor's program and then I plan to complete the Master's program in Psychology with an emphasis in Life Coaching, so I can reach my ultimate goal of becoming a therapist and life coach. I was doing great in my first class, a university introduction course called University Success, designed to help students get familiar with the school and how the courses work. But now that I am in English Composition 1, I started to struggle.

There are so many papers in the class and it's a more immersive and intensive English course than I had in my previous schools. I believe that is because the course is only 7 weeks long so it is more accelerated than I was used to. Work also does not help the situation as it gets in the way, with my schedule being so stupid and with how much it stresses me out. I am getting tutoring and accommodations soon so that should help. It has been hard to focus and sometimes it is also very hard to get started on assignments.

I hate having ADHD and dyscalculia they make things harder than they should be. I didn't realize how much the dyscalculia causes me issues spatially, like clicking the wrong file when submitting homework, or even going to the wrong assignment submission link to submit an assignment because visually they line up where they can easily be confused one for the other. I turned in a paper and paper review wrong because I thought I was clicking the paper and clicked the review since the lines looked like the paper was on top and the review was at the bottom but it was reversed.

ADHD and other issues are making my life quite a lot harder than it needs to be in a lot of areas of my life lately. I am trying to get help but it is far more difficult to get help than it has to be. I am sick of struggling and really need life to get better soon. I don't know how much more I can take. I really hope I can come back with better posts in the future and that my life gets better so I have more to say than how much I am struggling and how much help I need and how much I hate struggling. Tune in next time to see what's new with Just Me.

[capriciouscaprine]

happy new month to everyone!!!

I have SO MUCH to do for my coursework, but I wanted to take the time to write a post about what I'm up to currently, what this month holds for me, and what my goals are for the future as we all head towards summer

currently, I just hit a goal # this morning, although it didn't feel all that impactful, and I'm pretty sure that's bc I both didn't get enough sleep last night and bc I don't have any rewards set up for myself besides the emotional reward of hitting that goal; obviously, I need to be consistent about getting enough sleep and have rewards ready for myself, but both of these are uniquely tricky right now bc I have an absurd sleep schedule (6 pm-2 am), no time, and even less money

I'm coming out of a six week full time unpaid internship, so my hours were drastically cut at my actual job; instead of five days, I was down to just two, and they were the two days the least amount of work and thus fewest available hours to get paid; I got a boost from cat sitting for my neighbor, whose cat needs careful monitoring and specific medicine on a pretty strict schedule, but this pay cut was on top of paying tuition for the semester, so I currently have negative money aka am carrying a balance on my credit card, to the tune of $3.5k (oof)

the good news is that with spring pollen comes increased hours, as my job is on a farm with both plants and animals; we've got seedlings to water and plant, babies to feed, and field trips to prep for and manage, so I've jumped from 3-4 hour days to 5-6 hour days, five days a week; I get paid pretty okay ($16/hr after taxes), but I still typically get less than 30 hours a week, so my monthly pay is only around $1.5k (rounding down for safety, especially since this a very recent jump)

looking forward to things happening this month, I have my final paper for my most important class of my entire masters degree, due WITH a presentation and handout on April 10th, and then two weeks later (less than or exactly 14 days, iirc) I must give a comprehensive presentation (and possibly turn in some other stuff??) about myself, my internship, my previously mentioned final paper, and a problem from our final exam, which will determine if I get my degree or not

oh, and I need to plan and record another internship observation, which I had been under the impression that I wouldn't need to do, which is due by the 15th, right in between all of these other things being due

I am under immense pressure right now, and it's definitely having a negative impact on my mental health; I'm managing not to burst into tears constantly or run away to the woods (a very short distance for me, so particularly tempting) thanks to both succeeding at other goals and knowing that their are specific dates for all of this to be over by; all I have to do is turn everything in on time (even if it sucks), and I'll be done with this degree by the end of this month and officially graduate in early May (ugh, need to order and pay for my cap and gown this week (~$200))

heading into next month, after everything is turned in (seems impossible to imagine, tbh, which is why I'm writing this post), I'll be free to PLAN and SET GOALS

(I'm so excited!!!)

like I said before, my pay isn't high and I've got debt I need to address on top of more bills coming in the future (six months of car insurance D: ), but I have to believe that I can get everything paid for and still have enough money to have a tiny bit of fun, too; I need to still down and draw up a budget, ESPECIALLY for food since I'm going to finally have time to make more things for myself!!! which will absolutely be cheaper than all the pre-made and pre-portioned meals and snacks I've been buying

the last time I had a big goal, I had a bar and a line graph to track my savings (my house down payment! ty 2018 mini recession, you made home ownership possible); now it'll be the double whammy of 'saving' for bills and paying down the old debt, plus I'm genuinely at the point of needing a new phone WITH a case, and all the actually functional phones with enough storage space, etc run just under $350, so with accessories that could be $500 aka NOT an impulse purchase!

otherwise, my big goal is to clean up my house: it has been TRASHED by consecutive roommates, but particularly by the most recent one; I have bits of stuff taking up space from everyone who's moved in and then out again over the past 5+ years, but the last one (who I made a whole rant post about) was so filthy when it came to using the kitchen that they left me an infestation of MULTIPLE types of insects, some of which I've never even seen before!!!

here in the southern US, we already deal with some insect trouble bc it doesn't get cold enough to fully kill them off, plus they can always be brought into a clean house from our great outdoors, which we have lots of; it isn't unusual for even the shiniest of mansions to get a roach sneaking into a bathroom or a line of ants running into the kitchen

in comparison, my house is genuinely disgusting, and I haven't been able to DO anything about it since classes and thus deadlines started back in August; the good news is this project won't take, relatively, that much money, and I even have a pretty good idea of what all I need to do to almost completely fix this! the only real problem is that it'll take a fair bit of physical labor and thus energy, which I don't always have a lot of, so I'll need to be strategic and get things done in phases and also not give up!

there are a lot of expensive things that have gone wrong and need fixing around the house, and there are even more expensive changes I want to make; I need to remind myself that all of these will happen in time, and I need to not obsess over them or let them demotivate me as I'm working towards addressing the issues that I can

in the far-flung future (it feels like), getting my degree means I am qualified for teaching jobs!!! math and teachers in general are in pretty high demand in my area (where aren't they right now?), and the pay is relatively high, as in double the highest I've ever made before in my entire life; once I've got my degree, I can dedicate myself to getting one of those jobs at a nearby school, and at that point, once I start getting those paychecks (fingers crossed), a whole new world will open up for me!!!

[shop-korea]

WEDNESDAY - YESTERDAY -

AFTER - 5P - INSIDE MY YES -

TENT - PRAYED - OUTLOUD -

DAY B 4 - WEATHER MIAMI -

WARNING - HEAT - STROKE -

1 DAY - LATE - MY - OPINION -

SOLUTION - HOPE - 2 - GET -

2 - NEW - ROSS - BLUE YES -

LITTLE - STRIPE - TARP AS -

$3.99 - 6 FT X 8 FT - ROSS -

DRESS - 4 - LESS - NEW IS -

STRONGER - 2 DAYS - AGO -

SAT - ON - DONATED TWIN -

BED - 2 FIGURE - HOW - TO -

SET - TENT - L SIDE - TARP -

PROTECTING - FR - SUN FL -

BUT - NEXT - 2 - IT - HARD -

SUN - SINCE - I'VE - BEEN -

DOING - INTERMITTENT -

FASTING - SIDE SUN ON -

ME - EXPERIENCED - 1ST -

TIME - DABGEROUS HEAT -

STROKE - MY BREATHING -

STOPPED - MY - HEART -

HURT - DRANK - WATER -

AT - ONCE - BINDED YES -

SATAN IN - JESUS' - NAME -

STROKE - STOPPED WHEN -

NO - 2 TARPS - NEXT - 2 EA -

OTHER - HEATS - UV - 50% -

SUN - PROTECTION - L YES -

SIDE IF - I'M - INSIDE - TWO -

DOOR DOLLS - SITTING ON -

TWIN - THERAPEUTIC - YES -

WHITE - ABOVE - 73 IN - FL -

LENGHT - 5 IN - THICK - IS -

ABOVE LIKE - BED PILLOW -

OLD - BED - ALONE - TRUE -

WILL DESTROY - MY BACK -

STABBED - TWICE LARGE -

KITCHEN - KNIFE - ABOVE -

WAIST - AGE 7 - SHOT - 2 X -

AGE 8 - PARTLY - QUADRA -

PLEGIC - HOLE FOREHEAD -

AGE 6 - I USE - SLEEP - NO -

NUMBER HEARTBEATS US -

GIVEN - PER - MIN - WHEN -

RESTFUL - OR PEACEFUL -

$2, 999 - $7, 999 - $9, 999 -

MIAMI - SLEEP - NUMBER -

CONT ... - 98 DEGREES FL -

IMSIDE - 2 TARPS SIDE BY -

SIDE - DECREASES - HEAT -

YESTERDAY - 5:30P - FACE -

SWEATING - FACE OUTSIDE -

MAJOR SWEAT - FLY WENT -

INSIDE - SCREEN - BLOCKS -

BUT - ALSO -BLOCKS WIND -

PRAYED - BEST - FOODS SO -

BLK - BIG - VEHICLE - KNOW -

ALUMINUN - FOIL - WARNING -

HAS - LEAD - POISONS - OUR -

BODIES - SOLVED - BY USING -

SILICONE - PRODUCTS - YES -

GIVERS - 2 HOMELESS TRUE -

EXPIRED - FOODS - COOKS -

DONATED - EXPIRED FOOD -

ALUMINUM - WARM SMALL -

HOTDOG - NO - CATSUP USA -

NON - ORGANIC - HAD HIGH -

FRUCTOSE - CORN - SYRUP -

ARTIFICIAL - SWEETENER -

HOTDOG - HAD - LEAD SO -

POOPED - THIS - AM - FRM -

LAST - WEEK - FORGOT - 2 -

WEDNESDAYS - 2 - LARGE -

PICK UPS - 7:30P - BOILING -

WATER - CHICKEN CUP OF -

NOODLES - 2 BAGS - YES -

BOLOGNA - SANDWICHES -

COOKIES - FAV - DORITOS -

2 WATERS - 2 WOMEN YES -

GAVE - WARM - MATER AT -

7:20P - 10 MIN - B 4 - BUT - I -

PRAYED - BEST - FOOD AND -

DRINK - SUPERNATURAL -

INCREASE INTERVENTION -

9:40P - YESTERDAY - HOT -

KOREAN - MR KIM - GAVE -

GOT - ADULT - NEW TENT -

FR - CATHOLIC - PRIEST & -

WOMEN - TUE - 11P - THUS -

KOREAN - TOPLESS - YES -

MR KIM - NEW JERSEY HE -

GAVE - TENT - PERSON XO -

FOOD - BUT - HE - HORDER -

OLD - FOOD - WHITE - YES -

STYROFOAM - LEFT - FOR -

BLK - MALE - BETWEEN ME -

WHERE - I BROOMED - HIS -

BLK - MALE - FRIEND - YES -

SLEEPS - FRONTAL - OWNS -

ROAD - 24 HRS - BIKES AND -

SKATEBOARD - HISPANIC 2 -

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS -

SLEEPS - BLANKET STREET -

DEADLY - HURRICANE - YES -

SEASON - LAST - NIGHT ME -

90 DEGREES - MY NET WAS -

OPEN - NEAR TARP - ONLY -

WAY - 2 - GET - WIND - BUT -

MR KIM - THIS - AM - LEFT -

OLD - FOOD - FRONT TENT -

WHITE - MALE - HAITI - BLK -

GREGORY - NEXT 2 HIM BUT -

2 AREAS - NEAR - R - EMPTY -

BLKS - LIKE - PROSTITUTION -

THEIR - BODIES - TOUCHED -

THIS - 4:20A - BLK - MALES -

ROAMING - 2 HOMELESS - 2 -

MY - RUNNING - TIME - THUS -

MY - PRAYER - 9:40P - CAME -

WHITE - DELIVERY - TRUCK -

LESS - PEOPLE - ON STREET -

WORKS BETTER - SO MALES -

GAVE - US - HUGE - CHICKEN -

ROTISSERIE - WARM - YES - 4 -

WATERS - HUGE - WHT BREAD -

2 STOPS - MOST - FREE WATER -

MR KIM - POOP - TIME - BLACK -

HAITI - MALE - NOT - THERE SO -

THIS - AM - GAVE - MR KIM THE -

WHITE - BREAD - LORD - JESUS

[unionize-aromantically]

I am in less pain now. However I still feel like bad, and am clearly still limited.

Most notably I'm still very dissociated. maybe even more than when I was at like around a 6 on the pain scale for like a week or something.

[break: I ended up kinda rambling + having several tracks (if that makes sense), so I'm adding a readmore. there's no real point of this post, it's kinda just me thinking and venting]

I can't quite place where I am on the pain scale, maybe a 4?

But I am.. I feel not good. And the only thing I "want" or "need" is painkillers? (and I'm at like a 4?? I don't always take painkillers at like.. idk higher, it's become the norm, painless is unrealistic anyway)

And my speech and thinking is limited*, something that doesn't happen very often to me. we're talking like 3-5 times total the entirety of last year.

(I've seen this type of dissociation called "Dissociative disturbances of movement and sensation". I think it may also be called "sensorimotor dissociation", and may be more associated with FND/conversion disorder**. also called "loss of function" I think)

**sidenote here that I don't formally speaking have any diagnosis related to dissociation specifically right now. But my therapist keeps giving me questionnaires and questions about dissociation. And I do noticably struggle a lot with it.

*oh and by limited - you notice how my writing here is like fine right? I can easily enough do like what I call "analysis" or "meta-thinking", but my brain has no or less random thoughts (e.g. "I want to make a conlang with numbered pronouns, like, "xe-1 talked to xe-2 and xe-1 said..", I wonder if that's a thing anywhere/in any conlang") and few/no "wishes" (e.g. hunger, wanting to play Minecraft. basically need-fulfillment suggestions)

* continuing on that (*) I want to say that this idk phenomenon/symptom I'm talking about could be connected to more depressive features than dissociation what with the lack of interest. or rather maybe it's two symptoms coexisting/in a trench coat/unrelated.

it usually doesn't last long, but now it's like, the second time this week (I think, I am horrible at remembering). And I'm basically a bit worried & annoyed, bothered & bored.

I guess it's probably not great that It's been like,, 5 weeks since last therapy session (oh fuck, this is a repeat of fuckings november no).

And since then I've had like 1 serious flashback thing (I think? my pulse was high asf (sitting still) and I was reminded of something from The Bad Times™️). and it may or may not have lasted like 3 hrs because of reasons.

And maybe like nightmares, but maybe more accurately being faced with the trauma of way too high pain levels without the absorption dissociation AKA distraction.

ugh what makes it all worse is that I might've done some auditory dissociation again (like this past summer) and that horrifies me because it used to be a major problem and it is triggering (less senses/things to hold onto, more difficult to ground).

ok I'll end it here. but btw if you relate or have any like words I may want to use to describe (any of) this you're welcome to comment that.

[findingmypeace]

I don’t know how to start this. I feel like all I ever do on here is complain. I’m sure no one wants to hear that. I’m sure everyone is just sick of me…

But I am going to share something because I don’t know where else to talk about it. This will probably be long. I start my job on Monday. The plan was for me to start iop to maintain some level of support during this transition. As if I’m not already dealing with enough my treatment therapist met with me today. She said the treatment team met and talked about me stepping down to iop. They all agreed I’m not ready and need to stay in PHP but they understand I have to work to pay my bills and therefore can’t continue with PHP. However, my therapist told me that everyone agreed it would be unethical to step me down to iop when I’m not ready and since I can’t continue with PHP I have no choice but to discharge. My last day of treatment will be Saturday.

There is so much emotion wrapped up in leaving treatment. This is part of why I didn’t want to readmit. I didn’t want the pain and separation of discharge just like last time. I’m going to attempt to explain it like I did in group earlier today. The outpatient part of the treatment center I’m at (iop and PHP are together) has become a “safe” place for me. It’s a place where I feel like I can express my true thoughts, where whenever I need it I can get support from staff, where I don’t feel judged, and where I’ve made connections with others that I haven’t been able to make in my real life. I know that part of why I relapsed last time was because with graduation/discharge I suddenly lost a huge part of my support system. And that time I was discharging from iop. I was attending iop 4 hrs a day, 3 days a week. At the present moment I’m discharging from PHP that I am attending 8 hrs a day, 6 days a week. And of course, this time I got very attached to the staff yet again, in particular the nurse. The idea that I will never see any of them again is devastating.

On top of this I no longer have my outpatient therapist. I can’t afford outpatient dietitian sessions (not covered by insurance so I’m paying out of pocket) for at least a couple more months. Also, my psychiatrist is out of town this week and next week. The requirement for treatment is that you see your psychiatrist once a week. I saw the other facility psychiatrist today but if I had stayed in treatment I would have also seen her next week as well. Now I’m not seeing anyone. This means I will not have a therapist, dietitian, or psychiatrist, or the support of treatment next week. The week I transition into a new job. The first time I’ve worked full-time and in person since 2019. I will basically be almost completely alone because I no longer have my parents or my two friends from high school. I do have a few friends who are supportive (3) but I don’t want to overwhelm them.

To be honest, I’m scared. How is this going to work? To go from PHP to almost nothing. I know I have to maintain some level of stability so I’m doing everything in my power to keep it together. I want this job to go well so I know I need to do my best to stay healthy. My dietitian today talked to me about the importance of nutrition on the ability to focus and think. I am going to do my best. I’m just worried about outside of work. There are three virtual support groups the treatment center runs for alumni. I will attend those but I know that’s not enough. I will continue with ECT, which I have tomorrow, but that means I won’t have it again for another two weeks. Next week is empty with no therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist, treatment, or ECT.

Also, I did text my outpatient therapist and tell her I’m discharging due to my new job but I didn’t share any other aspect of what’s going on. If she’s not going to be my therapist anymore I don’t want to bother her but I will need her help to find a new therapist.

I am so emotionally exhausted. What the hell is going on?! My life has pretty much fallen apart and it doesn’t seem like there is going to be much relief any time soon. It feels like there is no end in sight. The only bright spot is starting my new job but that’s pretty anxiety provoking as well. I am not looking forward to Saturday, driving home from PHP for the last time.

[brainsoupy]

i feel honestly the most anxious i have in a long time. like nausiatingly, can't eat, can't sleep anxiety. its been about 6 months since i had it this bad and its just unbearable. i didnt eat dinner and then choked down one slice of toast this morning. slept an hour or two at a time, wide awake by 4am. i thought itd be over by now but it feels so difficult to shake...

the last time i was like this was after i interviewed for a job i really wanted and it took 2 weeks for them to get back to me, i was a borderline insommniac by the end like washing up at 3am and shit bc i was fed up of staring at the ceiling. when they told me i got it the first thing i did was sleep for 12 hrs of smthn...

ik my mum gets like this as well (especially with the sleep) ... my day to day anxiety is low level/ quite easily tolerable but these infrequent high spikes are so intense its just the worst feeling. gross. i should probably go to the doctor.

[knotmagickstudios]

ADHD/Autism diagnosis as an adult, part 3

Part 2 can be found here. Part 1 is here.

Just a brief update today, since my appointment this time was only 30 minutes (the first one was 2 hrs, I think. At least an hour and a half).

For this appointment, we went through the autism screening questions. We didn't even make it halfway down the list before we ran out of time, but Dr. B was just like "Yup, sounds like you have autism." As someone who has been self diagnosed but also had autism imposter syndrome for the last 5 years, this was gratifying to hear.

There aren't a ton of medications that help with autism symptoms; they mostly help patients deal with the emotional responses, mood swings, and the like that are the result of living in a world not built for them and with little understanding; medication makes it easier for neurotypicals to deal with us, not the other way around. In my case, this is fine--I know I am on the higher functioning/lower support end of the spectrum, and for the most part I've developed really good coping mechanisms. I am in talk therapy for several issues, one of them being autism, so that is the main "treatment." Mostly, I was seeking the diagnosis for validation and so that when I'm working, either at one of my temp jobs or when I find a permanent job, I can say things like "This office situation is extremely overwhelming for me and makes it hard to focus. Is it possible for me to have a quieter space to work in, or the option to work from home?" and have a doctor's note to back it up. I feel like this would have been a handy thing to have in middle/high school when I was struggling the most, and to help me prepare for college, but I also know that in a lot of ways it would have made things worse because of *where* I went to school, and the attitudes about disability, autism, ADHD, and similar issues that are so prevalent there. I feel like it would have put a target on my back, and I know for a fact that if I'd asked for any kind of accommodation, I would have just been shuffled off to special ed to rot.

But anyway, I am still looking at Wellbutrin to help with my fatigue, which has been so, SO bad for the past 6 weeks. This is recommended to help not just with my mild ADHD, but also with my general fatigue, brain fog, short term memory problems, etc. We still don't know what is physically causing this, but if upping my dopamine levels helps, then I am all for it. Further med discussion will happen next week, and then we'll continue the rest of the autism assessment.

I do have appointments lined up for a neurologist and a rheumatologist to try to figure out what the physical problem is and what the hell is going on with my sleep cycle, but that's kind of unrelated (kind of).

If you want more info on that, just let me know and as always I am happy to answer questions about the diagnostic process.