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polaroidcats · 8 months

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Ugly crying & the marauders generation - a pseudo-scientific approach (my marauders crying PhD abstract)

Abstract

In recent days, there have been a variety of claims as to who the prettiest and ugliest crier in the marauders generation could be. This paper aims to address the recent surge in opinions on the matter, and categorize different approaches as well as add a new approach to the scientific examination of ugliness/prettiness when it comes to crying. I hope to provide readers with an overview of the current state of research and encourage all marauders scholars to add their own and I intend to make a contribution to the discourse by committing to the bit and writing a pseudo-academic paper about it instead of actually working on my thesis.

Introduction

In the following paper, the discourse about 5 marauders era characters will be examined in regards to their various levels of perceived ugliness whilst crying. Scholars who may ask why Peter [Pettigrew] is not included in this analysis are advised to refer to acclaimed marauders ugly crying scholar @lynxindisguise's (2023) original poll on the popular blogging website "tumblr.com" which did not include Peter, but rather two non-marauders characters named Lily and Regulus. This paper will follow that approach, since Peter is the nastiest skank bitch I have ever met, I do not trust him and he is a fugly slut. The characters included in this approach are as follows: James Potter, Lily Evans, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Regulus Black.

Following the scientific criteria for ugly crying, as stated by lynxindisguise et. al (2023), the question of the ugliest crier can be answered by observing the crying person and assessing their ugly-levels on the following parameters: (1) unbecoming facial expressions, (2) facial swelling/blotching, (3) unsettling noises, (4) snot factor, (5) tear volume, (6) general loss of dignity, (7) glistening eyes/lashes, (8) Victorian heroine factor, (9) elegant tear-wiping, (10) post-cry glow (ibid).

Criteria (1)-(6) can be categorized as the ugly crying parameters whereas (7)-(10) are pretty crying parameters, creating a false binary between ugly and pretty crying, which may be problematised and addressed in another the paper. In contrast to lynxindisguise’s original 10 criteria to measure the aesthetics of crying, this paper proposes to add (11) explosiveness of cry as another ugly crying parameter, in order to get a more clear assessment of where on the ugly-pretty crying scale a character falls.

The ugly crying parameters

(1) Unbecoming facial expressions

James Potter is mentioned in this category by several marauders scholars: @jaylienpotter talks about his red face and ugly sobbing, @artbyace mentions his “scrunched up cry face” and @sectoren claimes “james (…) is that one handsome guy that when the waterworks get going becomes like. Cartoonishly ugly”, raising the question of upkeeping toxic masculinity in order to avoid having to witness more of James Potter’s crying “mug”.

Though James Potter features heavily in this category, another character who is also mentioned just as often is Remus Lupin: @kaaaaaaarf, @appreciatedmoron and @http-starboy all emphasise that Remus Lupin is the one with a red and blotchy face.

(2) facial swelling/blotching

While there is a definitive overlap between the categories of facial swelling/blotching, unbecoming facial expressions and snot factor, Sirius’ and Regulus’ victorian heroine complexions, which give them an advantage in the homonymous category, may be to their disadvantage in the “blotching” category. This will require further research by other scholars.

(3) unsettling noises

James Potter is mentioned in this category by Jaylienpotter (2023), claiming he not only hiccups when crying but also that “his cries are one of the most heartbreaking things you’ll ever hear” and similarly, artbyace states that “James loves and feels so loudly”, whereas “Sirius is silent”, both sentiments are reminiscent of znelda’s (2023) statements that James “was allowed to feel his emotions freely in a loving household” and “Sirius (…) [is] used to hide [his] feelings and [has] become stoic”.

With several other scholars, among them also @jamesunderwater (2023) raising the point that James may be the ugliest crier due to him being “the only one well adjusted enough to have access to his feelings” this raises the question of possibly introducing another category, maybe of emotional awareness/stability to be able to measure this parameter more efficiently, though emotional vulnerability may also just be a part of the unsettling noises parameter, suggesting that there is a correlation between noisiness and the existing environment being welcoming to and accepting of various expressions of emotions.

(4) snot factor

The most popular winner in the snot factor category seems to be Remus Lupin, with several scholars agreeing that his sobs are the dampest and snottiest out of all the candidates. kaaaaaaarf (2023) writes “he turnes all red and blochty and snot drips out of his nose (…) he cant (sic) not cry with his mouth open as well so there is a lot of spit”, and appreciatedmoron (2023) agrees with kaaaaaaarf on this.

It only seems right to me to include spit in the snot category as well, seeing as they’re both crying-related bodily fluids that add to the ugly-cry factor. http-starboy (2023) also mentions snot in regards to Remus Lupin, which compared to both their comments in (1) opens up the question of how unbecoming facial expressions, more particularly redness of the face and snot factor may be related, as several authors seem to write about both specifically in relation to each other. Whether this is just pure coincidence or not would need further research, for which we currently do not have enough funding. This is only one of the many research gaps in the relatively new field of marauder’s ugly crying studies, which cannot fully be addressed in this paper.

James Potter is also mentioned in the snot category, namely by the marauders scholar artbyace (2023).

(5) tear volume

Artbyace (2023) claims James Potter is “full on bawling” which can only be assumed to refer to tear volume, but the most convincing argument for tear volume comes from the acclaimed marauders scholar @fruityindividual (2023), stating that “tsunami warning tones go off in sirius’ brain anytime remus is close 2 (sic) tears” which already indicates high levels of tear volumes. The author then goes on to specify the volume by claiming that “indeed the ocean wishes rj lupin would jump in and help contribute 2 (sic) rising sea levels”, further emphasizing the volume of Remus's tears.

(6) general loss of dignity

@pastaplatypus (2023) writes about James Potter not being able to do a Melodramatic Bollywood Cry, which is perceived as inherently racist by the crier.

I would like to argue that Sirius Black also deserves to be mentioned in this category. While as of today, with less than 1 hour left to vote, 15.5% of voters agree that Sirius is the ugliest crier, the more outspoken voices all argue for different ugly criers. Due to their upbringing, I am tempted to name both Black brothers in the “loss of dignity” category and look forward to reading future contributions to this discussion.

The pretty crying parameters

(7) glistening eyes/lashes

Undoubtedly Sirius Black deserves to be mentioned in this category. I believe his dark lashes and glimmering eyes are part of what makes him the prettiest crier. Whereas Remus’s eyes also sometimes glisten or appear red, and it is usually attributed to be caused by drug consumption, which more often than not is a wrong assumption, but he happily goes along with the pretense of being a weed-smoking bad boy in order to hide his ugly crying damp tendencies.

(8) Victorian heroine factor

It almost seems superfluous to even mention Sirius (and, to a lesser degree, Regulus) Black in this category. This category was made for Sirius, as is apparent when reading lynxindisguises (2023) description of the victorian heroine factor, in response to a question by the scholar @plecotusauritus:

“the Victorian Heroine Factor is a deeply scientific assessment of the Vibes. Is this person giving tragically beautiful, windswept Victorian Heroine, sobbing gently into their hands while sprawled across a boulder or a well or a fountain of some sort? When they look up at you, do their tear-plumped lips part elegantly as a single tear slides down their cheek?”

(9) elegant tear-wiping

There hasn't been a lot of research in this area, but I would like to propose handkerchiefs with embroidered initials and family crests as another potential factor in favor of the Black brothers scoring high marks in this category as well as the Victorian heroine factor.

(10) post-cry glow

Artbyace (2023) claims “lily is always beautiful (…) even when crying”, which is echoed by znelda’s (2023) earlier claim that “Lily (…) [is] a woman and no woman is ugly when crying.”

Sirius is the other popular choice by marauders scholars for this category, with @in-flvx (2023) stating that he “handsomely handsomes while dying after 12 years of torture hell and another year in shackles”, which would mean that “a few tears would[n’t] stop him from being the hottest person in the room at all times” (ibid).

Additional parameters

I am suggesting to introduce an additional metric in order to further specify and better assess the ugly-crying levels:

(11) explosiveness of cry

@felixantares (2023) introduces the idea that Remus “is the type that very few people have been seen cry because he ignores every difficult emotion hes (sic) ever had (…) and it all explodes at once and its horrible to watch when he breaks down”, a sentiment shared by several of the other authors mentioned above in various other categories.

Further opinions & conclusions

The most popular consensus seems to be that Sirius cannot be the ugliest crier, sometimes also in direct comparison to his brother: @spindrifters (2023) answers the question of the ugliest crier with “obviously it’s regulus”, elaborating that “at least [it’s] definitely not sirius bc (sic) reg is canonically less handsome in all ways” which brings up the question if regular beauty plays into ugly crying. This is contrasted by lynxindisguises argument, that Sirius may be an ugly crier because he’s so gorgeous, and his ugly crying subverts the expectations of beauty:

“the most beautiful man alive looks hideous while crying, and his deeply awkward and perpetually damp bf (sic) is literally in his element while crying – dampness becomes him, you might say.”

This statement raises yet another question – does regular crying make the crier more or less ugly? Can an ugly crier become a pretty crier by practice or are we all born either ugly or pretty criers, condemned to this fate for life?

While this paper has given an overview of the current state of research to ugly crying/pretty crying, it has also raised many more questions. Other topics which may be addressed in future papers also include the philosophical question whether ugly crying is in the eye of the beholder and if it is possible to ugly cry without being perceived, and if it is possible to ugly cry if the person perceiving you doesn’t find it ugly. Since the research field of ugly crying is a relatively new one, we can only hope to read many more opinions on these and other topics in the future, and I look forward to reading different scholar’s approaches to these highly relevant topics.

#marauders #the science of ugly crying #cat's highly profesh fandom science #idek what to tag this as lol #i don't write fic i only write pseudo scientific papers on fandom analysis (apparently) lol i had so much fun writing this #even if just 1 person reads it i'll be happy i know it's ridiculous #scientific analysis of ugly crying #akso i tried to tag everyone i mentioned to make it feel more like i'm actually quoting them (which i am) but if anyone doesn't want to be #tagged in this lmk and i'll remove it haha #anyways okay i'll post it now #this is what happens when i go on tumblr during work hours and then keep thinking about how much more fun editing papers would be if they #were about the marauders instead of the things i have to read/edit at work #hp #remus lupin #sirius black #james potter #lily evans #regulus black #(this thing has almost 2k words and i wrote it in 2-3hours)#idek what that says about me #that this is how i chose to spend my tuesday evening #but i love it

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unclewaynemunson · 11 months

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Belated happy birthday to @steviesbicrisis! Your bday post made me think about a steddie pride and prejudice au with a twist so this one's for you :D

(obviously this takes place in a world where gay marriage has always been completely normal. Fuck historic accuracy)

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Steve feels his face light up when an all-too-familiar knock sounds through the house; there's only one person in his life who tirelessly drums out the most elaborately ridiculous rhythms on the wood of the door.

Unsurprisingly, Eddie stumbles inside a moment later. Something is different, though, Steve notices that much right away. His friend doesn't barge into the room to drape himself over the couch like he usually does. Instead, he closes the door behind him and keeps standing still right in front of it.

'I have some news for you,' he says, in a strangely solemn voice.

'Is something wrong?' Steve asks, immediately worried.

'No.' Eddie shakes his head. He smiles, but it's only a weak version of his usual bright grin and it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. 'No, it's um... It's good news.' He nods, almost as if he's saying that to convince himself, and Steve feels a frown creep onto his own face.

'I'm engaged. To Keith.'

For a few seconds, Steve can do nothing but stare at him.

'Engaged?' he then stupidly repeats.

'Yes.' Eddie nods again.

'To be married?!' Steve asks urgently.

Now, Eddie rolls his eyes. 'Yes of course, Steve, what other kind of engaged is there?'

Steve feels his jaw drop. 'How– Why–'

'Oh for heavens sake, Steve,' Eddie impatiently interrupts his stuttered, unfinished questions. 'There's no earthly reason why I shouldn't accept his hand.'

'But he's – ridiculous!' Steve finally manages to spit out.

And something shifts in Eddie's posture. 'Well, not all of us can afford to be romantic,' he says with a chilly edge to his voice. ‘He's rich, he can give me a comfortable home and a reasonable position in society – I wouldn't dare ask for more.'

'Eddie,' Steve says. He doesn't even know where to start. He wants to tell Eddie exactly how much more he deserves than some gross creep, how he's betraying everything he stands for by marrying Keith, how he's signing for a life devoid of any happiness – but before he can even begin to properly phrase any of those thoughts, Eddie already narrows his eyes at him. He looks at him like a cornered animal, and Steve understands that Eddie interprets his silence not as caring, but as judging, or maybe even pity.

'I am twenty-seven years old,' Eddie says, his voice colored with a kind of forced calmness. 'I have no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my uncle. And I'm frightened. So don't judge me, Steve, don't you dare judge me.' Then, he resolutely turns around and opens the door.

'Eddie, wait,' Steve quickly says.

For a second, it looks like he won't listen, like he will walk away without looking back – but then, he turns his head around, and Steve sees tears glistening in his eyes.

'I – I'm not judging you. I'll respect your choice, even if I don't understand it. Don't cry, please.' He knows it's a useless thing to do, telling people not to cry, but he hates seeing this look on Eddie's face. It makes his hands itch with the desire to hold him.

'I’m just... You caught me off-guard. I didn't know you were interested in marriage all of a sudden.'

'Why does it matter?' Eddie asks with an arched eyebrow. 'Were you planning on asking me if I was?'

And that question, phrased in such a sarcastic way, paired with the defensive look in Eddie's eyes... The insinuation of how truly preposterous that would be feels exactly how Steve would imagine getting stabbed in the heart would feel like.

It makes him realize that he has nothing left to lose. Eddie will walk out of that door – maybe they'll make up, maybe they won't, but their friendship will never be the same as before Eddie got engaged to Keith.

'What would you say if I was?'

Eddie stares at him. He opens his mouth, then closes it again.

Steve just stands there, waiting, until the surprise on Eddie's face makes place for something more unreadable.

'Don't be ridiculous now, Steve.'

'Is it truly that much more ridiculous than you marrying Keith?'

'Are you seriously asking me to marry you only to keep me away from Keith?'

'No, I –' Steve pauses; he wishes he would have had time to think about what to say. It feels like his words won't ever be able to do his feelings justice.

'I have loved you for years, Eddie,' he finally admits. 'And if you truly want to marry Keith, I won't try to change your mind. But I can't let you go without telling you the truth.'

Eddie's eyes widen as he lets the words sink in with a shocked look on his face.

'You love me?' he repeats in a slightly raspy voice.

Steve nods, only to be met with more silence, as the clock on the wall ticks away the seconds.

'You don't have to say anything. I just needed you to know.'

'Steve... Is this a goddamn proposal or not?'

'I don't know.'

'You don't know?!'

'I mean, it isn't – I don't think it is.’ Steve stumbles through the words. ‘I don't want you to choose me because I'm richer, or – or better-looking than Keith... I only want to marry for love, and I'm not as arrogant to expect you to feel the same way about me.'

'Oh, Steve...' The shock on Eddie's face melts away, softening his features and making the look in his eyes gentler.

'You don't need to pity me.’

'No, no way, I'm not pitying you,' Eddie answers. He takes two big steps towards Steve, wraps his hands around Steve's. They're warm and familiar and making him miss what he can't have even stronger.

'If I had known... Stevie, I would've never said yes to Keith, it's not even close to a competition. If I had known I could have you, all this time... I never even thought I'd stand a chance. You're probably the most perfect person I know, and I'm, well, just Eddie.'

'Oh, we need to work on your self-esteem, baby.' The pet name slips out of Steve's mouth before he can help it, and it brings that beaming bright smile to Eddie's face; the smile that Steve loves so much.

He feels Eddie’s hands slide around his waist and they rest their foreheads together, both breathing shakily, trying desperately not to let their emotions overpower them.

'Does this mean that we're engaged now?' Steve finally manages to ask; his voice is shaking but he needs to hear it. He needs to be sure that he indeed gets to hold the man in front of him for the rest of their lives.

Eddie utters a tearful chuckle. 'I suppose I have another wedding to cancel first.'

#don't mind me rambling about stranger things #in which steve is lizzy and eddie is charlotte AND THEY'RE GAY FOR EACH OTHER OKAY #who's darcy i don't know him #okay listen i know this is kind of ridiculous but i had a lot of fun writing it #eddie munson #steve harrington #steddie #stranger things #fruity ficlet

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