#though she does somewhat enjoy watching them both suffer despite how annoying they are

[egglygreg]

Ahleri will be mortified when she wakes up

[oliviayamaoka]

The Distraction Continuation (Ghostface / Jed Olsen / Danny Johnson x Reader)

As requested, this is a continuation of the Distraction fic I made. Check out the first fic if you haven’t already. Enjoy! :)

You sighed deeply as you crossed your arms, shutting your eyes in slight annoyance at what was to come. Another trial. You hadn’t been in one for a while but your break was rather short-lived. There were three others that stood by your side. Ace Visconti, David King, and Yui Kimura. You respected them and actually enjoyed their company. Ace was funny, David taught you a couple of things, and Yui was always nice to you, encouraging you.

“Where do you think we’ll go this time?” Yui asked you, nudging your elbow with her own. You instantly lit up. Human interaction was comforting.

“Haven’t been to Hawkins or Glenvale in a bit.” Y/N replied with a slight shrug.

“My bet is the asylum.” Ace interrupted, pointing finger guns with that stupid smirk of his. Yui rolled her eyes, she didn’t seem to like Ace very much. Not since he flirted with her one time, even if it was jokingly.

“We might actually be there if Ace himself says so.” David said as the familiar gust of air surrounded the four of you.

You shut your eyes tightly, getting chills from the cold fog and air. The smell of fire and spring overcame you. Y/N opened their eyes, realizing that Ace’s bet was right. As always. A small laugh escaped your lips, a feeling of enjoyment before all hell could break loose again. 

Your gaze averted to the familiar structure of the Crotus Prenn Asylum. A sound played in your head, the screech of the Nurse. You were always curious about her but never got the chance to even talk to her unlike... no, it was one time. You weren’t gonna go around and try talk to killers like you did with him.

You put your palm to your forehead, cringing at the memory. Not in a bad way but maybe you could’ve done something differently. No, not really. Jed was a psychopath, a murderer. He was charming in a fucked up sort of way. You sighed as you walked towards a generator behind the grey brick walls.

There wasn’t any indication that it was the Pig or Freddy, thankfully. You began to work on the generator. Your thoughts turned to the fear of being hooked, stabbed, and hurt. You shuddered at the thought of it, the feeling of the hook would probably never leave you. Death was forever here, unfortunately. Elodie and Felix’s conversation had given you hope, maybe there was a way out of here.

“Shit.” You mumble as you shielded your eyes from the small explosion. 

Y/N huffed. You felt slightly disappointed in yourself and began again. Your head perked up as you heard stomping. It wasn’t loud enough to be the Oni or Trapper.

You kept a head on the generator as you noticed a dark figure stomping towards you. You needed a moment to process the situation. It was Ghostface? Oh shit, it was him, you thought. Flashbacks of your last encounter played in your head, he was definitely pissed off and you couldn’t blame it at this point.

“Don’t fucking try it.” He muttered in reference to you breaking into a sprint.

You felt panic wash over you as you quickly observed your surroundings. There weren’t any nearby pallets or vaults, it was a random open area near a hill with a chest and hook. Perfect, just perfect. Ghostface was quicker than usual, he grabbed you by the waist aggressively to tackle you down.

Ghostface held a knife to the back of your head once you hit the ground. You grunted as he put down all his weight onto you and assured that you wouldn’t be able to escape. The ground felt so uncomfortable, especially against your face. There was a few moments of you struggling beneath him to escape but it became no use. You stopped struggling after he pressed the blade against your skin.

“Didn’t bring a toolbox this time, Y/N?” He asked mockingly, pressing his gloved finger over the small slit. You winced at the stinging sensation but it was nothing you couldn’t handle.

“You know how to hold a grudge, Jed.” You replied. You were utterly terrified yet you always felt the need to reply to his stupid remarks.

“Indeed I do.” He replied, grabbing you and making you stand up. He held the knife to your back and pressed it slightly.

Ghostface was actually angry. He didn’t seem to mind actually hurting you or pressing the knife into your skin. You gasped at the painful sensation as he looked around, he saw the killer shack. He held a tight grip on your shoulder as he forced you to walk that way.

You instantly knew where he wanted to go. You just hoped the basement wasn’t there. Of course, you had known that this day would eventually come. But, why now? It was such awful timing, especially with the blue mood you had. Once the two of you reached the shack, he shoved you onto the ground aggressively.

“You’re pathetic... talking and talking last time we met. Now, you’re just a shitty excuse for a survivor.” He said to you. You scoffed.

“If it helps, Jed, I’m sorry.” Y/N replied. Your hand reached to the back of your neck where he had cut you. There wasn’t much blood but it still hurt. You stared at your bloodied fingertips as the man got more infuriated.

“You don’t get to call me that. And why the fuck are you apologizing?” He questioned you. His tone was venomous, this terrified you but him killing you was inevitable and well... you wanted to see him, anyways.

“If you didn’t care, you’d have hooked me now. I must’ve really hurt your feelings, huh?” You said, half-jokingly but you were also genuine.

“I don’t care.” He replied to you almost instantly. You knew that was a lie.

“Then why won’t you hook me? You could’ve slashed my back open but instead you pinned me to the ground... weirdo.” You mumbled.

He fell silent for a second. Ghostface was a bit baffled by you. Why weren’t you begging for your life? The version he remembered of you was different, or maybe he killed too many survivors that would beg. Not only that but he planned this out thoroughly. He was practically counting on you to scream and beg for your life. Ghostface had even made an offering for this realm because he researched it extensively, as he did with most of his previous murders.

Despite what he may have thought, Y/N was absolutely terrified. However, there was a strange feeling of attraction to him. Not necessarily a crush just yet but there was also a rivalry in which you felt comfortable talking to him. He felt like a real person. Well, of course he was a real person but you had no trouble making shitty remarks to him.

“I want this to last because you were being a little bitch last time. I’ve been dying to slice you open and make you regret that stupid little stunt you pulled.” He said to you.

You sat up, bringing one knee to your chest casually. There was a feeling of bravery that washed over you like last time. Y/N sighed deeply and looked around the shack. It was a basic shake. No totem, no gen.

“Yeah, sure... then do it.” You said to him.

“You’re not making this any easier.” He replied, more annoyed with you.

“Nothing you do is gonna make me regret what I did. Even if you do kill me and make me suffer, I’m still gonna come back alive. I’ve been puked on, trapped, and even had some weird ass trap put onto my head.” You said, standing up and pointing your finger to his chest.

“But you, Danny, only have a knife. I know the Legion or whatever their names are can use that better than you. You’re just a weirdo with a mask.” Y/N finished.

Ghostface seemed rather stunned, yet offended. Mainly because he couldn’t doubt anything you said. It became known that the Legion studied the human anatomy extensively, more than Danny ever cared to do. His area of expertise was stalking and memorizing a person’s schedule. But still. his ego was always bigger than any logic. The cloaked man grabbed your wrist. He oddly didn’t grab it too tight, he lifted your arm over your head.

“And what does that make you? I’m still better than you to some degree. You’re trapped here because the Entity thinks you deserve it and I get to kill anybody I desire.” He said, the tip of his blade poking your stomach.

“I guess we’re both shitty people.” You shrugged as his grip somewhat loosened. He sighed deeply before throwing you towards the generator.

“I had hoped killing you would be satisfying.” He muttered, bitter that your reaction wasn’t what he imagined. You fixed your shirt slightly and leaned against the generator. A part of slowly began to accept the growing crush you developed on the strange murderer, you didn’t care at this point since you were damned to an eternity of trials. 

“It probably would’ve been if you weren’t so easy to talk to.” You said to him as he snapped his head towards you, confused for a moment. Easy to talk to? He scoffed in response.

“Easy? You’re the fucking weirdo here.” He said, with a bit of a defeated tone.

“You’re no ladykiller, Danny, but... I’m charmed. I guess it’s something killers like you do though.” You said to him.

“I don’t charm or seduce people. I watch them.” He corrected you.

“Explains a lot.” You said, looking at your nails. Ghostface was quick to give into his ego and crossed his arms in a very stubborn manner.

“Actually, I did. As Jed Olsen, anyways. People were so trusting of him and neglected to suspect the new guy in town. It made it easy to watch people and I had a lot of excuses to spend hours doing so.” He said to you.

“Jed sounds nice.” Y/N shrugged.

“Well, Jed isn’t real, babe. He’s a shitty facade of what people like in a person. Made it so much easier for myself.” Ghostface said.

“Okay then,.. what did you do? As a career?” You asked him.

“I was a journalist and wrote for the Roseville Gazette. They made me cover my own killings and I did a good job doing so. Nobody could really understand my work though, no matter how much I tried to when I was Jed.” He said, a proud tone in his voice as he spoke. You were weirded out and cautious but you wanted to try and understand him.

“So, is that why you do it? For art?” You asked him as his head perked.

“That’s exactly why! There’s something very beautiful about the redness unique to somebody pouring out of them, even mixing with others. Not only that but just toying around and seeing how loud one can scream. Each scream is so unique and different. And just like art, you can fix your mistakes if it isn’t done right.” He explained, he seemed more relaxed. 

“Fix? But wouldn’t they be dead?” You asked him, genuinely confused. 

“You have to be an expert craftsman to fix it. A scream is a delicacy, something I choose not to indulge myself in often. Y’know, don’t want anybody hearing what goes on. When I do want to hear the screaming, it’s usually when my target has piqued my interest or mildly annoyed me. It feels rewarding after going through all the effort to memorize their lifestyle.” He said.

“A weird but cool way of looking at it, I suppose.” Y/N said. 

You didn’t really care about morality at this point. Such things as the Entity exist, anyways, You weren’t sure what you did to deserve being stranded here. Even if you did have a weird romantic interest in him, so what? Why would the Entity care? Why would any Gods care? And even then, you seemed to have an interest in his hobby. Blood and killing didn’t faze you anymore.

“You think so?” He asked you. 

“Depends on the person, I guess. I’d only do it to bad people.” You said.

“But, you’d do what I do?” He asked you.

“Yeah...?” You responded. Danny seemed a bit giddy.

“How would you do it?” Ghostface asked, he seemed way too excited to hear about your non-existent methods of killing.

“I don’t know...” Y/N replied, feeling somewhat flustered by how close he was to you. It was a different type of feeling when he wasn’t trying to stab you. 

“If you want, I could show you some pictures and give you tips.” He said.

“And kill who? We’re stuck in this hellhole.” You reminded him.

“What about the other survivors? They can’t all be innocent.” Ghostface said to you. He had some appreciation for you since you listened. It was crazy how much this strange man can switch up.

“No, never. I’m not that crazy.” You said as the loud horn of the exit gates blared. You looked around, really surprised. He seemed just as surprised.

“That long?” He questioned. 

“Guess I’m just that good of a distraction.” You said to him as he silently sighed in frustration but didn’t seem to care. A part of him enjoyed your talk.

“Guess you’re gonna be my one kill.” He said, shifting towards you and pushing you against the wall. You were taken aback by his swift movement.

You squirmed against his body, somewhat sliding downwards so kicking was pretty much useless unless you wanted to completely fall. The two of you grunted quietly as he turned you around, shoving your face against the hard wall. It was uncomfortable but he wasn’t being as rough as he usually was. At this point, you were scared of his knife so you tried pulling his hands away from you in the awkward position. Ghostface tightly pinned one of your arms on your back, you winced as he tugged on your hair.

He leaned inwards, poking his head towards your neck and hair. Ghostface took a moment to memorize your scent and what your hair texture might have felt like. For some strange reason, he seemed to want to learn everything about you. It might have been a bad idea for you to have opened him up about his art.

“Get off of me.” You demanded in a stern voice.

“You’re scaring me, Y/N.” He replied sarcastically. 

You froze up when he slid his hand under your shirt, his fingertips trailing on your back. It wasn’t the motion itself but rather the feeling of his ungloved hand. You felt yourself go into a rather catatonic state, not in fear but you were quick to wonder why he would take his glove off. A thousand thoughts and scenarios played in your mind. His touch was soft but still managed to leave you with chills. 

Ghostface, on the other hand, seemed to be enjoying himself. He made notes of how soft your skin felt, his hand curiously wandered upwards. It wasn’t long before his hand wandered to your more sensitive areas. A gasp escaped your mouth as kept you pinned with his knees, his hands groping you a bit more roughly. Your face heated up when he squeezed you, you didn’t seem to struggle either. 

“Fuck...” You whispered.

“If only we had the time.” He mumbled, sticking three of his gloved fingers into your mouth. Your eyes rested as you stared upwards, allowing him to continue touching you. 

“I bet you’re getting all excited over this... if only I could capture the look on your face right now. How does it feel? Having somebody like me have their way?” He asked you. You felt aroused yet ashamed to oblige him.

“It feels good...” You managed to say, his fingers still in your mouth.

You felt the bulge in his crotch grow hard but this wasn’t the time or place. As much as he wanted to fuck you then and there, he needed to have some control over himself. He pulled his hands away and slid his glove back on. You let out a sigh of relief but also a whine. You knew just as much as he did that it just wasn’t the right time. You wiped the saliva from your lips and slowly stood up.

He pulled you backwards by your waist. You felt him rub his knife near your crotch, gliding it teasingly. His other hand wrapped around your neck. You heard him chuckle rather darkly. At this point, you seemed more hot and bothered than he was. Ghostface squeezed your neck a little harder, wanting to get one last sound of of you before he let you go. He didn’t care whether or not the Entity would be displeased or not.

“Guess you’ll have to be a whore some other time.” He said, cutting you on the arm slightly. You pulled your arm away quickly.

“Whatever.” You replied, flustered by his comment. Did that just happen?

“Better go before the Entity kills you itself.” He said to you.

“Right, right... see you around, Danny.” You said before quickly walking away and then running towards the exit gates. 

His head tilted curiously. Ghostface wasn’t sure if he had feelings or not. He admired you for listening to him and asking some questions though. But, now that he knew you’d do things with him willingly, he had some ideas. A wide smile grew behind his mask as he began to fantasize about the photos he would eventually take. 

You would probably come to regret your actions, seeing as his obsession with you would grow. Danny needed to know everything about you and even felt a bit possessive now. It didn’t matter, there was many possibilities within the Fog. Pray that you’ll be ready for your next meeting.

NOTE: Currently writing a full fledged Danny fic with a different plot but have the sequel to the Distraction. Ty for reading!

[iiinejghafa]

Thoughts on secret forest s2! this is quite long lol fair warning

Overall, I enjoyed this season and don’t come away disappointed by it at all because it’s clear it serves as a “part one”/lead-in to season 3 in many ways. I think it suffered from being pulled in too many directions with respect to both plot and the chronology of the show; it felt like the writer was trying to balance keeping season 1 events relevant, setting up for season 3 (which at this point is undoubtedly about Hanjo and/or the resolution of investigative rights), and creating a self-contained story, whereas season 1, while admittedly not saddled with the burden of a prior story/season or certainty of a follow-up, was conclusive and wrapped up all the major ends. I think if more of the Hanjo stuff had been saved for season 3, or their role in the Woo-Choi case was wrapped up conclusively, it would have led to a tighter, more satisfying season along with more time for character development.

THE GOOD

I LOVED Si-mok this season. It was clear how much he grew from season 1 and he continued to grow into his emotions (acknowledging Eun-soo and Chang-jun, his stress over Dong-jae’s disappearance, how he erupted at Hu-jeong, his choice to seek out Choi to save Yeo-jin, etc.) and while he didn’t undergo as much development and changes this season, his capacity to emote and care about other people as well as his unwavering aim for justice and truth was reaffirmed. His relationship with Yeo-jin was also really well done; he’s never sad or angry with her for being cold towards him, but instead understands that she’s unhappy and frustrated with her job and gives her space to navigate that while expressing that he’s noticed and cares about her. Confronting Choi the way he did and the dinner scene (which I could go on about for days) really highlighted that he consciously knows how much Yeo-jin means to him, how well he understands her, and that he’s not going to let their relationship waver. He doesn’t believe for a second that Yeo-jin is okay, and I think going into season 3 in addition to their continued friendship he’s going to make an effort to keep an eye on her and support her.

While I was frustrated at times with Yeo-jin’s development, I’m happy with how it concluded. Like Si-mok, she unwaveringly follows her morals and ethics, but this season was the first time she felt pressured to bend on the rules due to politics and connections (ex. the assemblyman’s son) and everything that happened with Choi only confirmed that she can’t - and won’t - drift on things like this again. She also takes the high road in dealing with her career; even though she’s miserable working with colleagues who hate and distrust her, and as much as she misses her old team, she knows that staying in the Intelligence Branch is the only place she can make positive changes. It was crushing to see how unhappy she was, but given that her happiness/career conflicts were a theme this season (and was noted often by Si-mok) and somewhat unresolved, I’m sure we’ll see it carry through to season 3.

Despite their development not being as consistent and satisfying as season 1, I really loved how close Si-mok and Yeo-jin were this season. As frustrating as their relationship was during episodes 4-10(ish?), barely speaking and Yeo-jin being somewhat cold towards him, I understand why it had to happen. It reinforced Yeo-jin’s inner struggle and made her choice to forgo appearances with him later on all the more meaningful, and highlighted that at the end of the day, she will always trust him and considers him her closest friend.

I appreciated that Yeo-jin having feelings for Si-mok - a recurring but subtle theme in season 1 - wasn’t dropped. It wasn’t a core element of this season, but in my opinion, the fact that it was readdressed multiple times suggests that this is something that will continue to be developed in future seasons. Choi calls her out on it twice - and Yeo-jin never denies it, just deflects - and even Woo and Kim are suspicious that something is going on. While Si-mok doesn’t have/is unaware of any feelings towards Yeo-jin - or that other people think something is up with them - I think this season showed he knows she is incredibly important to him. Not just through his scene with Choi, which came about out of certainty that Woo would ruin Yeo-jin’s life and trusting Yeo-jin’s judgment that she and Choi had a bond, but through the way he observed her and the comments he made. “You don’t draw these days?” “Didn’t you want to work in police administration?” “You weren’t the kind of person to postpone things” “Is there a chance you won’t be okay?”; all this demonstrates he is well aware that she is unhappy and struggling, and this was his way of communicating his concern to her which is something he wouldn’t have been able to do in season 1. Another reason I’m excited for season 3 is because the natural progression from this is that he learns how to actively support and comfort her (e.g., he looks distressed and as if he wants to comfort Yeo-jin when they learn about Choi Bit but doesn’t know how).

In season 1, he notices when she’s upset or negatively impacted by something but doesn’t know how to address it and in season 2, he doesn’t know how to truly comfort or speak to her about her unhappiness but is able to convey, through his comments and remarks to her, that he sees her and understands that she’s struggling.

I’m really glad Kang didn’t succumb to Hanjo’s bullshit and resigned and even went to Yeon-jae to ask that she leave Si-mok and Dong-jae alone. I’ve seen other people theorize that Kim will step in as his new mentor, which would be cool to see, but I hope he returns in some capacity.

I loved that Choi wasn’t corrupt after all, just blindsided and dragged into bullshit, and her character served as a reminder to Yeo-jin to not compromise her values even when she’s in a rough spot or under pressure. I was suspicious of her and while I guessed right that she orchestrated the cover-up, not Woo, I genuinely thought she had more malicious intent and far-spanning connections that she would use to save herself. It was really touching that she gave Woo and herself up to save Yeo-jin, all because Si-mok approached her as someone else who cares about Yeo-jin and trusted her judgment. I don’t think Choi is a “good person” necessarily, just morally gray as many of this show’s characters are, but I did have more sympathy than I expected in the end.

Dong-jae’s disappearance and case were some of the most interesting parts of the season, and I liked how the show managed to turn a character I - at best - found occasionally amusing into someone I felt a hint of pity and empathy for. I’m sure he’s still the same weasel even after nearly escaping death - I have no doubt that he covered for Yeon-jae - but I’m curious as to how his relationship with his wife and family changes after this season. I know he’s popular but I genuinely don’t find him to be a good person at all, especially for nearly killing Eun-soo in season 1, but I’d like to believe he makes genuine changes going forward even under the guise of working for Hanjo (which seems inevitable as Yeon-jae will want to keep him in check and it will allow him to stay securely in one place, allowing him to both be near and protect his family).

I’m glad the Yongsan crew returned this season and played a part throughout. I was suspicious of Jang for a while and I’m glad he had nothing to do with any of the cases (though I’m confused as hell by that random gash and his behavior in episode 14) and his friendship with Yeo-jin was really sweet to see again this season.

THE BAD

Yeo-jin’s development was frustrating to watch at times, especially her coldness towards Si-mok and how her sunny bright personality was tamped down this season, even though I understand why. With her haircut in episode 16 (as noted by Si-mok, just like when they first met in season 1) I’m guessing that she will return more to her s1-self in the next season, now that she’s more self-assured and clear on how to proceed in her career. I think the theme of her becoming more and more close-off and shouldering her burdens silently will continue, in contrast to Si-mok becoming more warm and open, but hopefully this will get worked through in the next season.

Now that we know Yeon-jae’s subplot was basically season 3 fodder, I’m frustrated by how big of a part Hanjo group played in the story without any real definitive conclusions. There are too many loose ends - what exactly does she have to do with the meeting at the vacation house? Why does she have a relationship with Woo? What is up with Mr. Park? What relationship did she have with Park Gwang-su that led to her selecting him for the Hanjo work? What is going to happen with Hanjo Group and her relationship with her father and brother? Will she act against Dong-jae if he crosses her, or Si-mok, whom she mostly neglected and ignored this season?

I really, really disliked that the council meetings ended up being pointless. I understand that this was intentional - it forced conflict between Si-mok and Yeo-jin that would have had to happen at some point, brought Choi and Woo together, and showed that there’s no clear answer to the question of investigation rights - but it was built up to be this big thing and we only got two meetings over the span of 10 episodes.

I’m glad that the Segok case was passed on to Dong-jae’s junior, but I’m also a bit annoyed by the lack of conclusion to this case. My take was that Si-mok was thanking her for her insight and trusting that she would be able to take care of it, so I doubt we’ll hear more about it.

Si-mok’s loneliness and isolation felt like a bigger theme in the earlier episodes (lying about staying in a hotel because he can’t go to his mother’s, staying in a hotel and then the dorms, etc.) but wasn’t resolved before he was reassigned. We got those messages from his mother later in the season, but it was something that was never followed through with and didn’t ultimately contribute to anything aside from perhaps emphasizing Si-mok’s dislike for uncomfortable/unnecessary social interactions. Given the way season 2 ended with him and Yeo-jin parting ways again, and his inevitable season 3 return, I’d like to believe this will get more attention in the future. 

OTHER OBSERVATIONS

I saw it pointed out somewhere that Si-mok and Yeo-jin are going in opposite directions in their personal arcs; Si-mok is becoming more open and emotional, whereas Yeo-jin is starting to hide her emotions and silently shoulder burdens. This is a point I’m really excited to see explored in season 3 and what it means for their relationship. Does Si-mok, always evolving and becoming more emotionally mature, directly confront Yeo-jin at any point and express his observations and concern for her? Does he ever tell her that he spoke to Choi, or does Yeo-jin find out through her and how does she react? Does Si-mok’s elevated emotional intelligence come with the eventual realization that he may have feelings for her, in contrast to Yeo-jin hiding and deflecting her feelings for Si-mok this season perhaps out of resignation that he won’t ever feel that way about her? What conclusions do they draw from continuing to find each other again through the years, and how does that play into what they want for their own futures?

Yeo-jin comments that she and Si-mok are “always doing this”; working together, getting separated, and inadvertently coming back to each other again. Season 3 means that they will have to cross paths again in Seoul (I wonder what brings Si-mok back if not Hanjo?) and it’ll be interesting to see what they make of this pattern and if they ever consider what they want for their lives and future. We don’t know what Si-mok wants - if anything he’s perfectly content with remaining a prosecutor and being shuffled around to different assignments - but I can almost guarantee that he will start to feel pulled to stay in Seoul because of Yeo-jin. As for Yeo-jin, we know she misses her old team and being a detective - she wants to work with a team and do field work - but she’s also torn by her relationship with Si-mok and her desire to make structural changes from within even at the cost of her own happiness. Does this change at all with Si-mok’s eventual return and whatever developments occur in her career?

This is more general, but given how much was left unresolved and unaddressed I really feel like the writer knew she was getting at least season three. That and Netflix’s involvement (who generally move quickly production-wise) lead me to hope that we will get season three as early as fall 2021 or early 2022 barring any scheduling conflicts with the leads. I highly doubt Netflix will allow the production to stall another three years after the big numbers they pulled with TVN and undoubtedly on their own service as well.

UNADDRESSED THREADS:

Dong-jae, specifically how he handles Hanjo and what he chooses to do moving forward in his career and family

Hanjo’s full involvement with Park Gwang-su. Why was Woo brought along in the first place? What was the meeting about at the vacation house? What is so nefarious about Hanjo’s involvement, other than it was to discuss the lawsuits (I think)?

Yeon-jae’s battle with her father and brother

Yeo-jin’s backstory. We still know almost nothing about her life prior to this series other than the existence of a grandmother and her comment back in season 1 at the high school (watching the happy teen girls at the high school and saying “You should have been like that, too”). I would like to believe season 3 will finally deliver this lol but who knows

Si-mok’s messages with his mother.

How the investigative rights will be handled

This isn’t quite as open-ended, but Yeo-jin and her career. She got promoted but is universally disliked by her colleagues - though accepted by her new boss via her connection with Choi - and she’s at a desk job again after being shown repeatedly, since the first episode, that she misses her old job and coworkers and wants to go back into fieldwork/being a detective. Si-mok and the Yongsan crew are also attuned to her unhappiness and desire for her old life back, but again this wasn’t given a specific conclusion.

Yeo-jin’s feelings for Si-mok. This was addressed quite a few times this season without a resolution - season 3 fodder/carry over from season 1? - other than reaffirming the deep trust they have in each other and that she is a weak point for Si-mok (which Woo tries to exploit; given his connection to Yeon-jae, perhaps this will come back again).

Mr. Yoon’s appearances. This felt like the most obvious set-up in hindsight; there was no real plot or character-motivated reason for Yeo-jin to see or talk with him, but I’m not sure I understand the sudden sympathy towards his character or what this means for the future unless it somehow ties to Hanjo.

Si-mok’s headaches. He had two intense ones over the course of Dong-jae’s disappearance, but unlike season 1, there wasn’t an overarching conclusion or character development associated with that other than that he’s dealing with them better. This makes me feel that it will be addressed again in season 3, along with:

The theme of Si-mok being worried/stressed. This is brought up a lot in this season, and Si-mok repeatedly denies that he’s stressed about the Dong-jae case only to have two headaches over it. He clearly doesn’t understand what being worried/stressed means to him, and I think the only real resolution we got for this was that he was worried enough about Yeo-jin’s life being destroyed by Woo to confront Choi.

Woo is going to be indicted for what happened at the vacation house along with Choi, but one of the last things we hear from him is “This isn’t over. Not while I’m alive.” If he plays a role in season 3, I’m curious if he uses his connection to Yeon-jae to get out of things, or if Choi’s active role in covering up his death will spare him. Will he and Yeon-jae take revenge on Dong-jae and/or Si-mok & Yeo-jin?

I am VERY upset that there were no Yeo-jin drawings to Si-mok this season!!! Even after it was addressed back in episode 6!!! Season 3 better deliver!!!!

ANYWAY apologies for this word vomit and I’m sure some of my opinions will change over time but for now season 3 2021/2022???

[nineteenninety-six]

Arguments of Concern - Part Three

The love I got on ‘escapism’ was so great, thank you so much <3

I also don’t remember much of the beach scene so ignore inaccuracies pls lol

WORD COUNT: 2105

[PART ONE] [PART TWO]

Adam was fast asleep on (Y/N)’s lap as Tommy drove them towards Margate. He was excited when he was told that he was going on a trip to the beach and spent the first couple of hours excitedly chatting and asking his parents a hundred questions before he became bored and tired, allowing his parents to spend the remaining hour of the journey to talk without the chance of having little ears overhearing anything that was said.

Whilst their relationship had slightly improved compared to before, (Y/N) was still bitter at Tommy for getting involved with Mosley and subsequently dragging them into the mess too. Adam was her number one priority and despite how much she hated the idea of it, she would take him and leave Tommy if she needed to. Tommy was the love of her life and has provided her with everything she could ever need but slowly the bad was overtaking the good and she didn’t think she could just watch from the sidelines anymore.

Tommy’s hand on her thigh brought her out of her thoughts,

“You okay?”

“Hmm, just thinking about this mysterious friend of yours” (Y/N) teased, pulling his hand off her thigh before lacing their fingers together.

Tommy brought their conjoined hands up and pressed a kiss on the back of her hand, “Don’t want to ruin the surprise.”

“The surprise...” (Y/N) scoffed, “Don’t tell me it’s one of your old flings or girlfriends?”

Tommy snorted a laugh, “If I did that, I wouldn’t have to worry about Mosley killing me since I know you’d kill me before he’d even get a chance.”

(Y/N) made a vague noise of distress before she pulled her hand free of his and whacked him on the arm,

“Don’t joke about dying” She scolded him.

“ ‘m sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

“No, I’m not.” Tommy threw her a smirk and wink causing her to giggle.

If (Y/N) tried her hardest briefly forget about the actual reason why they were going to Margate, she could pretend that they were just taking a small holiday as a family.

“When all this is over, we’ll go away somewhere. You, me and Adam. Just the three of us eh?” Tommy spoke up after a few moments, glancing at her.

“Hmm, we can go to Wales or Ireland.”

Tommy smiled at her, “We could stay in a caravan. Adam would enjoy it.”

(Y/N) bit her lip before she spoke again, slightly hesitating, “When this is done...you’ll take a step back right? From the more dangerous stuff?”

Tommy sighed “(Y/N)...”

(Y/N) also sighed, “I’m not being unreasonable Tommy, I’m not telling to completely stop with the illegal side of the business. All I’m asking is to not get involved in dangerous situations with dangerous people like you have nothing to lose, because you do Tommy. You have us.”

“We’ll talk more about it when everything is over.”

(Y/N) simply nodded, not wanting to fight and wake Adam.

They had arrived at Margate now, driving right by the coast, no doubt close to their final destination.

“It’s gorgeous.” (Y/N) gasped as she peered out of the window, gazing at the beach and at the people making the most of the end of the summer heat before autumn fully settled in. The scent of the salty air and the sound of the seagulls made (Y/N) smile, she found the place somewhat calming.

Five minutes later and they were pulling into the drive of a mansion and even though the hedges were preventing her view, (Y/N) knew they were still close to the seafront as she could still hear the crashing of the waves and the faint sound of people.

Tommy got out of the car first and made his way over to her side of the car and opened the door for her. (Y/N) missed the figure step out of the mansion and make his way down the stairs that were in front of the mansion as she tried to step out of the car with Adam in her arms.

“Here lemme take him.” Tommy took Adam in his arms, the young boy still fast asleep. As grew older, he also grew heavier meaning that (Y/N) couldn’t hold him for long periods of time, making her miss the days where he was tiny and never wanted to leave her arms.

“Mrs Shelby! It’s wonda-ful to see ya lovely face again, shame you brought ya husband along with you though.”

(Y/N) whipped around to where the voice came from, instantly recognising it. She couldn’t believe her eyes and when she looked back at Tommy to make sure that she wasn’t hallucinating, she received a nod that told her that he was real.

“Alfie? Jesus Christ…” (Y/N) murmured as she made her way over to him.

Her eyes caught on the large scar on his face, “What happened to you? Tommy only told me you had died.”

“Oh, this thing ‘ere?” Alfie pointed at his scar, “Yea well, you can blame your husband for tha’”

“You asked me to kill you, Alfie.” Tommy sounded like he’d had this conversation many times before.

“You what?!”

“In my defence luv, I did think I was going to die anyway.”

“I...uh..” (Y/N) was speechless.

“I’ll explain  when we get inside.” Tommy told her as he moved to stand next to her.

Alfie’s eyes catch on Adam who was clinging on to his father in his sleep, “If it isn’t little Tommy Jr, he’s grown a lot hasn’t he?”

Alfie had only met Adam once when he had visited Tommy at the house, (Y/N) had just come home from a walk with a then two-year old Adam when Adam had run into Tommy office to say hello to his father. Alfie had immediately taken note of how similar the father and son looked and the started to call Adam, ‘Tommy Jr’. (Y/N) was pretty sure that he had only done it to annoy Tommy, which it did- not that Alfie would ever find out.

“I think we need to talk, don’t we? Let’s head inside yeah” Alfie led them into their house and sent his maid off the make them some tea.

Tommy placed Adam on the couch so that he was laying down before taking a seat next to him and (Y/N) sat on Tommy’s other side so that he was in the middle.

“Right, so what happened?” (Y/N) asked as she shrugged off her coat.

Alfie a slightly guilty expression on his face but Tommy began talking before she could question him.

“Remember the boxing match a few years ago?” Tommy asked his wife

(Y/N) sat up slightly, “When you were dealing with the Italians? Yeah, why?”

“Alfie had betrayed us-- me and sent Changretta’s men undercover as his to kill me, except they attacked Arthur instead.”

(Y/N) stared at Alfie, gobsmacked, “I..why would you do that? Actually, why am I surprised, you’ve betrayed us before!”

Alfie just winced and kept silent.

“And so when I went to confront him, he tells me that he’s suffering from skin cancer but he wanted to go out his own way--”

“He wanted you to kill him?” (Y/N) caught on.

“I didn’t wan’ to die because of fuckin’ cancer. The doctor said that I most likely got it from the trenches in the war and that’s not how I wanted to die. He also said that it would be painful and long an’ that’s no way for a gangster to go out is it?” There was both pain and anger in Alfie’s voice.

“So you betrayed Tommy because you knew that he would kill you?”

Alfie nodded, “(Y/N)...I wanted it to be quick and painless. I didn’t want to die from cancer.”

“Oh, Alfie.” (Y/N)’s heart hurt for him.

“I didn’t want to shoot him at first but then he shot at me so I shot at him back.”

“You got shot?! You told me you were dealing with Arthur after he had one of his episodes.”

“If I told you I got shot, you would have killed me.” Tommy smiled at his wife.

“You’re absolutely right.”

Whines and grunts came from Adam as he slowly woke up, his body shuffling against Alfie’s couch. (Y/N) couldn’t help but laugh as he sat up, his face was puffy and his hair was a mess, there was also a frown marring his face, clearly not appreciating the fact that he had been woken up.

“Mama?” He croaked as he crawled over Tommy and into her arms.

“Hello poppet, did you have a nice nap?” (Y/N) ran her fingers through his hair, trying to tame it.

“Uh-huh, I had a dream that there was a big lion but dada saved us before it could eat us!”

“Dada saved us? How lucky are we huh” (Y/N) pressed a kiss to his forehead

“Here, drink this Adam” Tommy passed Adam a glass of water that he easily gulped down.

Feeling refreshed and no longer tired, Adam twisted on (Y/N)’s lap but froze at the sight of Alfie sat opposite them.

“Hello there, I’m Alfie Solomons.” Alfie lent forward and held his hand out.

Adam silently stared before leaning forward and shaking his hand “I’m Adam Shelby.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr Shelby.”

Adam paused before he spoke again, “What happened to your face?”

“Adam!” (Y/N) hissed but she didn’t know why she was surprised, he was a kid and kids were curious.

“Nahh it’s orright, he’s fine. I had an accident and hurt myself”

“Did it hurt?”

“For a bit, yeah, but I’m fine now”

“Okay!” That seemed to satisfy Adam who no longer seemed interested anymore.

Tommy shifted as he pulled his watch out of his pocket and sighed when he checked the time, “I have to go.”

“We’ve just got here.” (Y/N) whispered, upset.

“Do you like ships Adam?” (Y/N) smiled at Alfie, knowing that his plan was to distract Adam so that she could talk to Tommy.

“I don’t think he’s ever seen one.” (Y/N) laughed.

“If we’re lucky we can see one from the balcony, wanna see if can see any?”

Adam looked up to his parents for permission, excited at the prospect at seeing ships. (Y/N) and Tommy nodded and he eagerly jumped up off of (Y/N)’s lap and allowed Alfie to take him to the balcony.

“Can you not stay any longer?” (Y/N) asked her husband.

“I wish I could. You have no idea how much I want to stay with you and Adam and hide from everything back home.” Tommy pressed his head against hers and wiped away the tears that slowly began to fall down her cheeks.

“You must come back to me. You must come back to us because I don’t know how I survive if you’re dead.” (Y/N) sobbed.

“I will come back to you but if something does happen then you must promise to do what we planned yeah? You take Adam and you go.”

“Thomas!”

“Promise me (Y/N)” Tommy made sure she was looking at him in the eye as he made her promise.

“I promise. I promise you, Tommy. If something happens, I’ll take Adam and go.”

“Good.” Tommy pressed a kiss to (Y/N)’s lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too. I love you so much, Tommy.” (Y/N) kissed him back and they continued kissing before Tommy pulled away and stepped back.

“Adam, come say bye to dada!” (Y/N) called out so that Adam could hear her from the balcony.

“Bye? Why?” Adam wondered in with Alfie’s binoculars in his hands.

Tommy knelt down in front of him, “Dada has to go back home for a bit but I’ll be back soon, okay?”

Adam frowned but nevertheless nodded, “Can we see the ships together when you come back?”

“Of course. We’ll go to the beach as well okay?”

Adam grinned excitedly and hugged Tommy, “Okay. See you soon! Love you!”

Tommy tightly wrapped his arms around Adam and kissed the side of his head. “Love you too”

Alfie took Adam back outside while (Y/N) followed Tommy to the car to say one more goodbye.

“Come back to me okay?”

“I will. I love you.” Tommy gave her one last kiss before getting into the car.

“I love you too.” (Y/N) said before Tommy drove away.

[monotonous-minutia]

The cast of Le nozze di Figaro: Reality Check

as per a request from @notyouraveragejulie, another collection of random musings on an operatic cast.

Figaro, baritone

Former barber, now works exclusively for the Count after helping him win the hand of Rosina. Engaged to Susanna, a fact upon which much of the plot of this piece hinges, although if we’re honest most of the conflict and action belongs to Susanna and the Countess. Figaro’s cleverness helps him get the better of almost everyone and occasionally himself. Ironically he tends to jump to conclusions when it’s his own life he’s working on rather than someone else’s. Genuinely wants to help Susanna and Rosina, and is rightfully miffed at the Count for trying to seduce his fiancée. It’s not as clear how he feels about Cherubino which is a fact unfortunately exploited by directors to various degrees. Almost always steps ahead of everyone, but when he isn’t, he has Susanna to help him out. It’s clear they are a great match for each other, though it doesn’t take much for either of them to fly into a jealous rage at the mere hint that the other is cheating. At least he’s not a tenor.

Susanna, soprano

A maid in the Almaviva household, Figaro’s bride-to-be, very close friends with the Countess. Ingenuity is on the same level as Figaro’s which is probably why they got married. Is occasionally a step ahead of him and always five steps ahead of the Count. She is very much grossed out by the Count’s advances because he is a creep and also her best friend’s husband. Is often the go-between for various parties and it’s miraculous she can keep all these differing plots straight in her head. Basically runs the household.

Countess Rosina Almaviva, soprano

Has every trait of your typical Tragic Soprano but because this is opera buffa she doesn’t die. Rightfully upset that her husband has forgotten her but is also clearly in love with Susanna, yet once again we do not see this fulfilled. Though she spends a significant amount of the opera sighing over her misfortunes, she’s retained much of her quick-wittedness from her previous adventures and contributes a lot to the action. Her anxiety occasionally prevents her from jumping into things feet-first like Susanna and Figaro. Altogether too forgiving of her dickwad husband.

Cherubino, mezzo

As has been eloquently stated elsewhere, Cherubino is a page in the Almaviva household who is in love with everyone. The personification of energetic confusion. Takes every opportunity to flirt and that gets him into a lot of trouble, which can be anything from hiding under tables to jumping out windows. There’s only two speeds with this kid: trouble and a lot of trouble. Annoys the ever-loving hell out of the Count for crushing on the wife he apparently doesn’t love anymore. Gets involved in the obligatory meta dressing-up-as-a-girl moment which confuses everyone even more on a variety of levels. Gets unofficially engaged to Barbarina, but it’s unclear if he’s going to stick with that. Has some of the best music in the opera.

Count Almaviva, baritone

Total dickwad trash husband. Was a somewhat decent person when he was a tenor a few years back, but is now a jealous, possessive, horny, hypocritical asshole. Married Rosina after the very convoluted events of Barbiere. Long story short he fought very hard to get her in his life and now that they’re married he has other ladies on his mind. Not clear exactly how much has passed since that fateful wedding day. Spends half the opera pursuing Susanna and the other half trying to thwart Figaro and the other half trying to get rid of Cherubino. Puts Clueless Tenors to shame with his constant misunderstanding of people’s intentions and current events. Does not deserve the forgiveness he receives.

Bartolo, bass

A doctor who used to be in love with Rosina despite being almost old enough to be her father. Coincidentally, he is also unknowingly the father of the very man he spends the first half of this opera trying to thwart: Figaro. (A lot of people spend time trying to thwart Figaro in this piece.) As if that weren’t ironic enough, he wants to get back at Figaro by marrying him off to someone who happens to be Figaro’s mother. Does a total 180 when he finds out he’s Figaro’s dad and becomes a decent person. It’s unclear if he’s actually still in love with Marcellina, though they do get married. Though if we’ve learned anything over the course of this opera, it’s that marriage doesn’t really count for much.

Marcellina, mezzo or alto

Bartolo’s old maid in both senses of the term. Weirdly in love with Figaro, even though she’s old enough to be his mom, which, coincidentally, she is. Before this is discovered she has a sassy rivalry with Susanna and they exchange insults thinly disguised as pleasantries. Awhile ago she loaned Figaro some money on the condition that if he didn’t pay her back, he would marry her. Apparently he didn’t take this seriously. Demands he pay up or marry her on the day he’s supposed to marry Susanna, which is inconvenient for everyone except the Count, who tries to use this to get back at Figaro. But it leads to the familial revelation, so we can’t be too mad. Also pulls a 180 when the family ties are revealed. Tries to be a good mother but doesn’t have enough practice to deal with Figaro. Seriously, though, could anyone deal with Figaro? Props to whoever did raise him.

Basilio, tenor

Used to be Rosina’s music teacher. Is now Susanna’s music teacher. It seems apparent he is better at gossip than music, though given Susanna and Rosina have some of the best music in the opera, that point could be debated. Ironically, he doesn’t get much of his own music. Fulfills the role of the Opera Buffa Tenor by being exactly where you don’t want him right when you don’t want him. Enjoys watching other people suffer. Interestingly, that never comes back to bite him. Unless you count his aria always being cut. Could be karma.

Antonio, baritone

The gardener, also Susanna’s uncle, but most importantly always drunk. Pretty much only here as a plot device and resource for the Count to try and catch Cherubino. He is sober just long enough to appreciate how clever Barbarina is, though he does erroneously credit himself for this.

Barbarina, soprano

Antonio’s daughter, Susanna’s cousin, one of Cherubino’s numerous crushes, and the only one who returns his affections. Mostly she is here to be adorable. The Count is probably taking advantage of her, and she is either too sweet and naïve to understand, or wily enough to let him so she can get back at him later (which she does). Pulls an almost Susanna-level blackmail stunt. We can imagine her growing up to be as clever and resourceful as Susanna someday. Something she will definitely need to be if she and Cherubino do in fact get married.

Don Curzio, tenor

The judge called on to settle the legal matter between Figaro and Marcellina. Canonically has a stutter that everyone makes fun of, which is really unfortunate. Interestingly it seems to go away during choruses.

[floatingpetals]

Call Of The Mountains || Ch. 3

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader x Bucky Barnes (Werewolf AU!)

Warnings: Nothin, a little bit of protective Bucky if you squint

Word Count: 2600+

Summary:  (Werewolf-AU!Stucky x f!reader) Life had begun to overwhelm her. Work was insane and her life was a mess. There was a tug in her soul that called her to take this trip, deep into the forest away, where there was the peace and stillness of nature. She didn’t know why, but she knew she needed to listen. It was meant to be a relaxing trip, but one misstep on some moss sent her tumbling into the rapids of the flooded river. She thought she was gone and the earth decided it was time to reclaim her. She didn’t expect was to be pulled from the river nor the creature that saved her. Her entire world is turned upside down and all it took was an accidental step to the left. (18+ Only Story)

A/N: Man, I don’t think I’ve ever spit this much writing out before. Like, I’m surprised and pleased with myself?? I hope you all enjoy this next part! Let me know what you think! 

The gifs are not mine, credit to the owner.

Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Series Masterlist

“You think this is a good idea?”

This was the first question that came out of her mouth when he walked into the clearing with the woman in his arm. She gripped the entire time he walked to the medical cabin and then the entire time he set the woman down on a cot. There was an answering sigh, weary and somewhat annoyed.

“No, but I don’t think there’s anything else I can do.” The dark-haired man answered in a rough baritone.

“You could just take her back to her campsite and leave her there.”

“With the giant gash on her forehead and the fractured wrist? No, that would be cruel. She’s alone out here and might need help. It’s the least I can do.”

There was silence in the room before the other voice, a woman, let out a sigh.

“Alright. Well, I just hope you know what you're doing. You’re putting a lot of lives on the line having her here.”

“I don’t need you to scold me, Natasha.” The man snapped, a growl growing in his chest. “Now go find Bruce so we can get her wrist and forehead patched up. The longer you stand here and glare at me, the worse it’ll get for her.”

“Alright, alright,” Natasha grumbled, throwing her hands up in the air. “No need to go all Alpha on me. I’ll go find Bruce. But you have to tell Steve you have a human here. I might be your beta, but I’m not your messenger.”

“I thought that’s all you did since you keep running your mouth.”

“Ha. Ha. You’re hilarious Barnes.”

“Still talking.” Barnes snapped, though his tone was less frustrated than before. He knew Natasha was just teasing him, seeing as she was already headed towards the door. Natasha scoffed and rolled her eyes.

“I’m going! Ass.”

A door opened and Natasha left, leaving the man alone in the room with the injured and unconscious woman on the bed. He let out a sigh and walked over to the counter to grab the gauze and alcohol swabs from one of the drawers. Her wound on the back of her head was still bleeding, not a good sign. Bruce would need to patch it up, along with putting her quickly turning purple wrist into a splint.

Poor girl, he thought while turning her head to the side. He heard her scream; he had only made it a few feet into the forest from where he left her and ran back just in time to see her being dragged under the water. He knew that if he didn’t get her out of the water soon, she would drown. The waters were unforgiving right now, and the number of sharp rocks that littered the water could do just as much damage.

His heart was in his throat as he ran down the riverside, constantly keeping his eye on her. He needed to get in the water to drag her out but he couldn’t until there was a spot where the rapids wouldn’t drag him in with. She had gone under for too long at one point, but then her head shot out and she struggled to gasp for air. It kicked him into high gear, running towards the turn that opened just enough to allow a lull in the rapids. But he knew when she didn’t return to the surface, something was terribly wrong. Throwing all caution to the wind, he leaped in after her.

That’s what lead him here, with the injured and helpless woman laying on the medical cot. She was alive but had yet to wake after coming to on the side of the riverbank. He frowned when he dabbed the alcohol to her wound and she didn’t even flinch at the burn. It was upsetting to see her in such a state compared to what he saw earlier that day.

He had no idea what drew him to her, but while he was roaming the territory the night before, he caught wind of her scent. Sweet and soothing, a smell he had to investigate. He came across her standing alone at the forest, staring in awe at the waterfall. He couldn’t help himself, feeling a pull that dared him to get a closer look. He assumed she would remain oblivious of him watching her, he was in the shadows and the sound of the waterfall muffled his footsteps.

However, as if she heard the twig snap under his feet, her attention turned to where he stood and she began searching for him in the darkness. His breath caught in his throat when she locked eyes with him. He felt something wash over him. An instinctual tug he had never felt before. He wanted to cross the distance, felt a burning desire to wrap her up in his arms. He couldn’t. She wasn’t one of them. It was wrong on every level and yet as the breeze brought him her delicious smell, the need grew. His body trembled and for once in his life, he was scared.

While he battled his own demons, she was staring straight at him, confused. She didn’t know what she was looking at. His own darkness blended in with the shadows leaving her unaware of the beast that stood before her. Good. The less she knew the better. A bird behind her let out a startling call, pulling her attention away long enough to let him slip back into the shadows.

He shouldn’t have gone back the next day. He knew it would have been stupid. Especially in the daylight. It was risky enough running around during the day, but it was supposed to be the offseason for hiking. The rain kept many away, but the clear weather for a few days tempted the few. Perhaps if he had ignored that tug, maybe buried his nose in the dirt when he caught in inviting smell in the wind today, she wouldn’t have gotten hurt. Maybe it would have happened despite him and she would have drowned in the icy water. Either way, what was done was done. He couldn’t take back his decisions now.

The sound of people arguing from behind the door cause him to stand, scowling at the raised voices. He went to open the door, but it swung open right before he could reach it. Two men and Natasha filtered in the room. The first, a thickly bearded blonde that compared to him in stature glared at the brunette before his eyes landed on the woman on the bed. Something softened in his gaze at her state, but it was gone when he rounded on the brunette.

“What the fuck were you thinking Bucky?” The blonde snarled. Bucky rolled his eyes, completely unfazed.

“I was thinking someone was in danger and hurt. I wasn’t going to let her drown.” Bucky countered.

Natasha quickly closed the door to the room, spotting a few nosey members sticking their heads out of their own rooms to the sound of raised voices. The other man, Bruce, ignored the two bickerings in the middle of the room and kicked into action. First stop the bleeding, the worry about everything else.

“Nat. Come help me with this.” He asked over their growls as he washed his hands in the sink. Natasha shouldered the blonde out of the way, who snarled but stepped aside for the bossy beta. Bucky remained root in spot, using his body to shield the woman on the bed. Steve wasn’t oblivious, he caught the way Bucky was protecting her.

“You should have taken her to the ranger station.” He narrowed his gaze. It caused Bucky to snort.

“That’s almost six miles from where she was. She had a gash on her forehead that wouldn’t stop bleeding and I’m pretty sure a fractured wrist. They don’t have the medical facilities there to take care of her, and the closet town is almost twenty miles away.” Bucky waved off his concern. “Not to mention the amount of water she swallowed when she nearly drowned. This was the closest and best place I could think of.”

The blonde kept his eye narrowed, his lips pulled into a thin line. Bucky had a point. While he struggled to find an argument, Bucky went on.

“Besides, she’s alone and I don’t think anyone’s looking for her right now. Even if her head wound wasn’t as bad as it was, she still hurt her wrist and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone to take care of herself.” Bucky explained. “Would you feel right about leaving her there alone, Steve?”

Bruce and Natasha both paused to look up at Steve, waiting with bated breath for his answer. Steve looked torn. Everything was telling him that Bucky was right, but that little stubborn streak inside of him was telling him to keep the argument going. It had nothing to do with the fact that Bucky went over his head and made a decision without him. At least, that’s what the little voice was using as an argument. But one quick look over Bucky’s shoulder to the fragile woman being stitched up broke his resolves. He let out a loud, irritated exhale and threw his hands up.

“Alright. Fine. But don’t come running to me to fix this when it all goes to shit.” He groused. Bucky chuckled and shook his head. He somehow knew deep inside himself that this woman wasn’t going to be a problem. He hadn’t the faintest idea how he knew. He just did.

“And if it does, that’ll be on me.” He replied easily. Steve merely rolled his eyes.

“Don’t mean to interrupt.” Bruce began. The two men turned to Bruce who was wiping his hands on a rag. “Her gash was pretty deep, so I had to stitch it shut. We need to get her into the x-ray room to get her wrist checked out, but I’m worried she might have suffered a severe head injury as well. She didn’t even react when I injected her with the numbing shot.”

“Let’s get her wrist taken care of first, then we can worry about if we need to take her into town for a CAT scan,” Natasha said as she tossed the used supplies away. “Barnes, why don’t you pick her up and follow Bruce to the x-ray room.”

Bucky raised a brow at her. “Oh, so you’re making the orders now?”

“I do when you do something dumb and have managed to down the other Alpha in charge.” She replied smoothly. Bucky would have come back with something smart on any other given day, however, Natasha was right about one thing. They needed to see what was wrong with her wrist. Muttering under his breath about insubordination, Bucky scooped up the unconscious woman.

Bruce had to bite his tongue to tamper down his laughter. There was only one other person in the group that could get away with that kind of backtalk, but Natasha always knew when to pick her battles. Right now, it was clear that she was the winner. Natasha 1 Alphas 0.

He led Bucky down the hall to the x-ray room, a room that was only recently added and not needed often. It was mainly used on the animals they might have come across that had an injury of some sort. Their kind didn’t really need them. They healed within the day depending on the injury.

Bucky laid her on the table and stepped aside to let Bruce situate her arm and wrist to how he needed it. When it was time to take the x-rays, Bucky found it hard to rip himself from her side. Bruce had to drag him behind the protected wall, ignoring the stifle growl that came from Bucky’s lips. If he thought it an odd reaction, Bruce didn’t show it. 

Once the two minutes it took to get the pictures done were up, Bucky was back by her side and scooping her up in his arms once again. He couldn’t help but marvel at how small she looked compared to him. He was always big, that was a given with his genetic makeup. However, something about her being hurt and in his arms made her seem even smaller than she was. She had no idea what was going on, didn’t even know whose hands she was in.

“Why don’t you go ahead and put her back on the bed,” Bruce called from the computer where he was processing the photos. “I’ll be in in a minute after I check these out.”

Nodding, Bucky walked slowly back to the room. He took the time to look over her appearance, from the details on her face to the number of eyelashes she had. That pull was back. Only instead it wanted him to hold tight and never let go. For a split second, Bucky was willing to do that.

“Hey, what did Bruce say?”

Natasha’s question snapped him from the trance, startling him almost. He blinked at Natasha before he shook himself and reluctantly deposited the woman on the bed. Steve was leaning against the wall, watching Bucky’s strange behavior as he tucked a stray hair behind her ear.

“Dunno. He said he be in after he looked them over.”

“Ah,” Natasha sighed. “That can’t be good.”

Bucky hummed and stood, willing himself to pull away. He couldn’t get attached. Not with her.

“Welp.” Bruce sighed as he walked in with a manila folder. He opened it and began sticking the x-rays on the view box on the wall. The three crowded around Bruce to look, and all three winced. “It’s not a break, but a pretty clean fracture. I’m hoping if we put it in a splint it’ll keep her from needing to go in and put rods to straighten it out. But if she overworks herself, it’s could turn into a clean break and lead to just that.”

“Well, that’s not what you want.” Natasha mussed.

“Nope,” Bruce said over his shoulder. He went to one of the cabinets and pulled out a new split, still in the package. Once again, they really didn’t need these often, but it never hurt to keep the medical facility stocked with things like this. Quick and as painless as possible, Bruce wrapped her injured wrist in the splint. “I’m going to put her on the IV drip since she lost so much blood. It might help bring her round. I say we wait another hour and if she doesn’t wake well take her into town to their hospital. She might very well be unconscious from the shock and all.”

He went about the room and grabbed an iv stand. Natasha didn’t need to be told twice and went to where they stored their IV bags. Bucky nodded, but couldn’t help but still feel concerned. He could only hope the crack against the rocks did less damage than it appeared.

“Well, if you have things taken care of here,” Steve started. “Bucky, I need to speak with you outside.”

Bucky scowled and shot Steve a glare. No way was he leaving her to wake up alone. But he could tell from the way Steve was glaring right back this might not be up for discussion.

“Now Bucky.”

Bucky growled at Steve’s tone. Despite it having the opposite intended effect, Bucky knew there was time and place for this. And in the room where the injured and weak woman who might wake up suddenly was not the place for it.

“Fine.” He snarled. Squaring his shoulders, he stomped over to the door. He nearly ran over Natasha in his exit, seeming less than concerned about that. “Let me know when she wakes up.”

Bruce nodded and watched with mild fascination as the two men exited, both looking ready to rip the other to shreds. He and Natasha shared an amused expression. Things were about to get interesting in their little group. And they were ready for the front row seat they were both going to get.

NSFW Tag: (Open- MUST BE 18+, NO EXCEPTIONS)

@cherrynat  / @221bshrlocked / @theapologies / @lusts-of-the-flesh / @rowencarter3 / @littlehellflame / @buckyb4rnacle / @diinofayce / @sincerelymlg / @punkrockhippiefromthefourties / @slytherinlifeislove / @moderapoppins / @nirinael-the-rising-demon / @girlwhoisfearless / @whatisanniedoin / @xxashy999xx / @cinema212 / @sergeantjbuckybarnes / @lokigodofsasss / @myforeveryoungblog /  @serpentbaby / @palaiasaurus64 / @electra-hxart / @libbymouse / @disaster-rose /

Call Of The Mountains Taglist: (CLOSED!!!)

@sophiabulbu69 / @honeyloverogers / @jessieray98 / @wtfisthiswebsite / @storyteller-le /  @itty-bitty-dancer /  @steebrogurz / @chook007 / @peculiarlittleprince / @hae-bee / @bunniotomia / @itsevalace / @tanelle83 / @sunmoonandbucky / @elizabeth-marie-moon / @ragnarsdrapa / @lazinessisalliknow / @rippedpiece / @lanabgil / @sister-of-stars / @grimmlytimelord / @opaque-daydream / @vitamingrant / @marvellover1819 / @cobalt-gear /  @e1e4n0r5 / @andy-blur / @aactuaaltraash / @kyrah-williams / @flowerchild1216 / @go-river-flows / @yimi-papril / @lanabgil /  @samiiicg / @juliae03 / @fantua / @hungoverhellhound /@lille-kattunge / @lbuck121 / @the-olive-alexis-stuff / @caramelunicorns /  @toc1985 / @imamom-makingadifference / @smileyishere92 / @nickie-amore /

[altik-0]

Personal Revelation

I've spent the last two weeks trying to figure out how to write this post, but my mind has felt like it's tumbling around a washing machine and trying to figure out how to straighten my thoughts into a coherent message has felt impossible. But I'm driving myself crazy continuing to hold off on saying something, so I'm going to just rip off the bandage now, and we can talk in more depth after the cut.

Hi! 👋 I'm Asexual and Aromantic! Let's talk about it.

Where to even start

This month has been a fucking trip.

On the one hand, this has been the fourth month of nearly continuous quarantine for the COVID-19 pandemic. On the other, the end of May was the spark that began a wildfire of protests against police brutality that have swept across the country, including the seemingly milquetoast land of Salt Lake City. I found myself simultaneously figuring out the umpteenth way to keep myself entertained while being in home nearly uninterrupted for over 90 days, while also desperately searching for the courage to exit my home and join the marches against injustice.

And in the background of all of this, it was Pride Month.

On the 12th, a Youtube creator I follow released a video about their experience discovering themselves as non-binary. You should watch it, but what is important for the sake of this post is that the bulk of the video is an asynchronous telling of various moments throughout their life that, in reflection, show them that "[they] were who [they] are now, back then". These moments form a tapestry that tell a story of self discovery, and the result is incredibly powerful.

They released a rough cut about a week earlier for Patreon supporters, and I was immediately transfixed. I watched it three times in a row on the first day it was uploaded. I watched it twice more after the release. Hell, when I pulled this video up now to get the share link I couldn't help but sit and watch through it all over again.

At first I didn't really know why I felt so attached to this piece in particular. Yet still, I spent multiple nights laying awake for hours in what felt like a dreamlike haze at the time. It took three nights like this for me to realize I had spent all this time reflecting on my own past moments, and revisiting them through the lens this video had shared with me.

How I got here

It is September 2005. I am currently at a school dance. I know I am supposed to be finding someone to dance with and enjoy that for some reason, but all I want to do is go home. I might consider mustering up some courage and just asking someone, anyone, to dance, if it weren't for the fact that I still didn't have any friends. Instead, I feel trapped, wandering up and down the side wall, waiting for it to be over so I can finally leave. I stumble across a small group also sitting on the sides; a girl reading manga, and another playing Yu-Gi-Oh! with a boy across from her. I approach: "I didn't realize anyone still played this" They invite me to join, and soon I find myself with genuine friends at school for the first time in years. I never think about asking someone to dance again.

It is the summer of 2017. I am at a bar with some coworkers at the end of the week. I don't drink, but I've opened myself up to joining people for happy hour because it feels like a good way to socialize, and I've genuinely enjoyed getting to know folks. My team lead makes a comment that he feels it's impossible for a man and a woman to ever have a friendly relationship without having some element of sexual tension between them. I rebuff this comment -- initially I feel a sense of feminist frustration at the concept, as if it is implicitly saying that men and women should not work together. As the conversation continues, I realize the real reason I feel so sure this is wrong is because I have never felt this way toward anyone I've worked with.

It is the summer of 2008. I am in church, listening to the new instructor for my Sunday school class shift the discussion towards politics. Since he began, every lesson without fail will eventually derail into right-wing screeds. For him, any issue that is even vaguely left-leaning is a potential avenue for Satan to take hold of you: feminism, activism, even environmentalism. But lately he has had a particular fixation on the topic of gay marriage, and it is beginning to take a toll on my mental health. Being in these classes, hearing a man in a position of authority repeatedly say "it is not that we shouldn't love these people, but we need to still understand that they are committing a sin" has become physically painful to listen to. Of course, I am not queer, just an ally -- I can only imagine how painful this must be for those who are directly affected. I will nearly pass out from exhaustion and anxiety during sacrament meeting a few hours later.

It is February 2020. I am out to lunch with a friend and coworker. I have just recently changed jobs after less than a year, because I was hopelessly miserable at my last one. It should have been a dream job, marrying two of my closest passions, but instead I felt suffocated by being in a world where everyone seemed indifferent towards me at best, or actively hated me at worst. My friend invited me to join this job, and although it is a miserable job, I find solace in being able to go to lunch and have genuine conversations with someone I get along with. He mentions his wife is pregnant, and the stress of tending for his current child while she is resting. I acknowledge the frustration, though somewhat awkwardly since I am still single. "Oh, yeah, I sometimes forget you aren't married yet, haha. Well, don't worry, you'll get to join in on the fun soon enough!" I want to say "I very much doubt that"; instead I say "Well, I guess we'll see." The conversation does not feel so genuine anymore.

It is January 2009. I am watching House M.D. with my dad. We bond a lot while watching tv. We're both avid fans of MST3K, and we are invariably the obnoxious people in a movie theater a few rows down cracking jokes throughout the film. It feels fun and rebellious, even if we're doing it at home where nobody will be annoyed. This episode starts with Foreman and Thirteen waking up together in bed after clearly spending the night together. My dad cracks a joke about how "they're going to get in trouble, since they aren't married!" I quip back "nah, it's not a big deal, they just slept together, haha." My dad pauses the show and turns to me, deadly serious: "Who told you that was okay?!" I am a deer in headlights. I suddenly realize that I meant "slept together" literally, but nobody else uses it that way. I don't understand how I missed that.

It is October 2010. I am at home, speaking with my mother after coming home from school. She has always been a political firebrand, and especially after I left the church and started college the two of us have connected on this a lot. She has just read an article that mentioned the expanded acronym "LGBTQIA", and says she doesn’t know what all the "I" and "A" refer to. I don't yet know what the "I" refers to, but I suggest the "A" is probably for "asexual". She says she hadn't heard of asexuality, though that does make sense. I realize I don't recall hearing about asexuality before either. I don't actually know if anyone identifies like that. It just somehow feels like something that must exist.

It is the spring of 2007. I am at a local game store playing at a Friday Night Magic event for the first time. I suffer from very extreme social anxiety, and I spent the entire week a ball of nervous energy. Despite myself, I have managed to drive myself to the event and register. I have promised myself dozens of times over that I already knew Magic players were people similar to me, so there was no reason to worry. My first match is against someone wearing a frilly dress, cat ears, and tail. She mews at me several times while playing. On the surface I have frozen and only robotically go through motions of playing the game because my anxiety has boiled over to the point that I cannot quite function properly. Inside, I am filled with pure delight at realizing that someone could feel comfortable expressing themselves that openly in a space like this. I eventually become friends with this person who I will later learn is trans -- I had never met a trans person before. I will become close friends with three more trans people, at least two enbies, and countless other queer people over the next decade of playing this wonderful game.

It is November 2019. I am at work, sitting at my desk, feeling completely numb despite starting the day energetic to the point of mania. I've just had an argument with a close friend -- perhaps the closest friend I've ever had -- and it ended... poorly, to put it mildly. So poorly, in fact, that it is safe to say we are just not friends anymore. The reality was that there were always problems between us, and this was a culmination of conflict that never really got effectively resolved. It might not have even been possible to resolve. In the moment, though, I cannot escape the suffocating feeling that I am a failure as a human being; someone who simply does not know how to maintain a relationship. My mind goes through loops of how I could have said something differently to have it end better. The emotional pain will not fully make sense to me until several months later, when I realize this was the closest thing to a break-up that I've ever experienced.

It is January 2012. I am watching House M.D. with my dad again. Since leaving the church, watching shows like this has been a desperate lifeline for our relationship. We don't joke as much anymore. This episode features a side plot with an asexual couple, who House determines is simply impossible, and uses his power of supreme logic to prove the asexuality wasn't real all along. I have heard of asexuality, though I don't know where or when, so I am angry at this. Of course, as an ally. I want to joke with my dad to release some frustration, but he is still in the church, and I don’t think he will empathize. I stay silent, and do not enjoy this episode.

It is December 2019. I am scrolling through a Discord channel I was invited to from one of the leftist creators I follow. This community has been a breath of fresh air in many ways, and one I found surprisingly helpful was an NSFW adult content chat channel where people are open about sex, fetishes, and more. I've considered myself fairly open-minded and sex-positive, but I'm still a virgin at 28 so I've found there is a lot I just don't know about. Today, someone has started a conversation about what qualifies as "taboo" and relating it to kink-shaming. Another member replies, mentioning they are asexual and find the whole notion of taboos being kind of bizarre. My mind reels at seeing someone who identifies as asexual in this chat. Over time I find out there are several other people who identify at least gray-ace in this chat, some who even draw risque artwork for commission. I realize how little I actually understood about what asexuality really was, and begin scouring the internet for articles and wikis on asexuality.

It is April 2010. I am at an Apollo Burger across the street from the local game store where I am playing in a Magic prerelease. My friends I followed over are talking about weekend plans, and one of them makes a joke about doing some chores to butter up his partner to have sex. The joke does not go over my head -- I am straight, and understand sex, even if I am still a virgin -- but I still can't help but think out loud: "You know, I just don't get why people make such a big deal out of sex." The awkwardness and confused looks are suffocating. I drop the topic immediately.

It is June 2020. I have just watched a video from an enby Youtube creator about their experience discovering their own gender identity. Over the next three days I will see every one of these past experiences, along with hundreds of others, flash before my eyes in rapid succession, over and over, until I begin to realize that I haven't allowed myself to truly identify how I do. Every time I asked "am I asexual?" in the past, I would dismiss it because I understood sex and have a sex drive. Once I actually researched asexuality, though, I almost immediately found stories of people who identify as ace and still experience a sex drive. I also discover a lot of stories from aromantic people that sound painfully similar to feelings I hadn't even realized were not the norm. For the first time I begin to realize I may not just be an ally.

So what does this mean

I came to a sense of satisfaction with living alone and single a long time ago. At first this came with a certain level of shame, because I felt like it was only because I was too cowardly to enter the dating scene and try to find a relationship for myself. Over time the impact of the shame diminished, but it never went away; it just became a quiet background noise that I got accustomed to pushing back.

But now that I feel comfortable calling myself "Aromantic", I don't feel any shame. A romantic relationship is simply something I don't need. Instead, I can focus on fostering the kinds of deep relationships that do feed my soul. That will likely be a difficult thing to do -- awkwardly traversing intimacy was something most people worked through as a teenager or young adult, and I'm nearly 30, haha. But it at least feels possible now.

But really the biggest change for me is that I feel like I can be honest and public about who I am in a way I never was before. Simply being open about this piece of my identity somehow feels important if for no other reason than to let other people who felt like I did growing up that they aren't alone.

So... yeah. I'm aroace. And I always have been.

[clouds-of-wings]

I wrote this like 3 weeks ago and actually got over it since but @tardigradedeathposture wanted to read it, so here’s the lightly edited rant.

---

I was going to not write about how crap I thought the Witcher TV show was but it keeps bugging me and whatever here’s my rant.

So as my followers might know, I played the games (yes even the first) and mostly liked them, especially the second, which I think is a great game and actually better than the third, which I still enjoyed. The first, well, had its moments. I’ve read the first book about 5 years ago after playing the second game for the second time but couldn’t really get into it, I watched the old Polish TV adaptation and found it sort of quaint but nothing special. So of course I was skeptical of the prospect of a TV show but also sort of interested.

Well good things first. I thought Henry Cavill played Geralt pretty well actually. People hated him when he was first introduced but I think most were won over by his performance. He isn’t quite like the Geralt I know, but that might be due to the script. Second good thing, Jaskier isn’t quite as incredibly annoying as he is in the games, though still annoying. But at least he isn’t a pimp here. Third good thing, Chireadan, because Elves <3

But apart from these aspects, I think I haven’t watched such a stupid show since Once upon a time (which was so terrible that it caused my gallbladder to ache non-stop, so I had to stop after the first half of season 1. Witcher didn’t do that, so I guess it wasn’t quite as bad as OUAT). I know the series follows the story laid out in the books, and actually my problem isn’t even what happens, but how it’s presented, in that story and characterization manage to be tepid and tropey and also illogical and self-contradictory.

Take Yennefer for example, because her character annoyed me the most.

Now I’m not a fan of her in the third game either but at least she has a consistent (terrible) personality and a will of her own there. I read that she’s a better character in the books, so okay. Maybe they butchered her on the show. I honestly don’t remember the book I read very well anymore, as I said, I couldn’t get into it.

She is explicitly said and shown to do very badly during her mage training and to be bad at court politics, she’s barely even shown doing magic before the last episode, but she gets to “ascend”, whatever that means, while the other (far more deserving?) students get turned into eels. Later her teacher says she was the best student she’d ever had (?? when? where?) and gives her trust and responsibility for zero reason and Yennefer goes on to save the day, sort of.

She gets, in one of the most unrealistic scenes on the show, cosmetic surgery that involves an extensive spinal operation and the removal of her uterus WITHOUT NARCOTICS and half an hour later she wows everyone at the prom ball. IIRC, in the books and the games the sorceresses and sorcerers alter their appearance using, uh, magic instead of having some guy rip out their spine. And the sorceresses explicitly make themselves beautiful because “that’s what their clients expect”, just like the sorcerers make themselves appear as “venerable” old men - because it’s the pre-conception their clients have. It’s subversive, John-Karen, because the mages somewhat cynically show themselves to be genre-savvy by exploiting the... why am I explaining this. It’s obvious to everyone except the idiots who wrote the show. The point is, it’s not about their personal empowerment, but they could have done something with Yennefer’s “ugly to beautiful” transformation and they didn’t, so that sucks too.

From the whole way she’s presented, it becomes clear that she would be a terrible mother (”happy childhoods make for boring conversation”), yet we’re supposed to feel sympathy for her quest for fertility. And she’s constantly bitter about her lack of it - when the surgeon told her very clearly that she’d be losing her fertility as a side-effect of the operation and she explicitly agreed to it. This wasn’t something that was forced upon her yet she acts like it was.

Just like in the game, she has zero concern for other people’s wishes or boundaries. I mean she cast magic upon a bunch of people and made them sexually assault each other, and the show just frames it as “sexy lady hosts an orgy”. Then she accuses Geralt of not paying attention to other people’s boundaries because he made a wish she doesn’t even know the specifics of (lol).

Yennefer is a pretty terrible person, which would be fine in terms of character, if she were actually presented as terrible. Yennefer actually has pretty exactly the personality of Cersei Lannister, but Cersei was intentionally portrayed as vicious, power-hungry, dishonest and irrational. We weren’t supposed to see her as a good person and that made her a great character. Watching Cersei was fun and interesting. Watching Yennefer is grating because in any sane universe, a woman like that would not be the hero. That’s also why I think it’s absolutely false to call TW “the new GoT”. TW is worse than even late seasons GoT.

However, the show loves her so much that it randomly gives her super-powers whenever it suits. In the fight in front of the dragon cave, she’s as good with a sword as Geralt, even though she has no training and no muscles and he’s literally been mutated to become a better fighter. In the last episode, she easily deters the attack by Nilfgaard and then destroys their camp (??) with magic when up until then she was only ever shown to be very bad at magic. (Unleash *~the chaos inside you~* god who wrote that script?)

But in the end, almost her whole story is determined by the effect she has on men. Despite all her qualities that we’re supposed to blindly believe she has, it’s her looks and the fact that some men like her constant pointless insults that determines what happens to her. The archeologist guy in the beginning is the only one who stops her from totally failing at mage training. The king she wows with her good looks and her early 21st century dress becomes her employer. Geralt and the Elf guy falling for her. The knight guy she manipulates into going to dragon mountain with her. Her only skill that she is somewhat consistently proven to actually possess is the ability to charm and seduce men with her beauty and her sparkling personality.

Unfortunately, this characterization is somewhat common among “strong female characters”. All the important female characters on American Gods are that way as well. Wonder Woman is (in the film, I haven’t read the comics) close to it as well. Random pointless superpowers, but her story is actually determines by everyone being head over heels for her because she’s pretty. I don’t really know why this counts as “feminist”, but for the media industry apparently it does. I think it’s rather the opposite.

But, god, Yennefer wasn’t the only terrible character. I also hated the way they portrayed what were apparently supposed to be Scoia’tael adjacent Elves in the first episode. Can you imagine Iorveth or Yaevinn make common cause with those planless caricatures? I absolutely love the clearheadedness and ruthlessness of the Scoia’tael in the games. They rebel against human oppression with the decisiveness of people with nothing left to lose. The Elves are portrayed as a mentally somewhat superior race who see themselves as the rightful owners of the land and are absolutely furious at humans using brute force to disinherit them. I love the absolute lack of moral high ground and of “virtuous victimhood”. I love the elitism turned to bitterness. I love the way they frame things like telling Elvish legends as acts of resistance (which is something that has plenty of real-life parallels). I love (since it’s fictional and all) the vicious treatment of human civilians, since, you know, from the Elves’ perspectives there are no civilians among the humans. In the games, you’re clearly made to understand that both the Scoia’tael and their opponents have committed terrible acts, and then, because this is war, you’re expected to pick a side anyway. Which was both easy and fun for me as a huge Elf stan in general, but I love that it’s not supposed to be an easy choice.

So I’m just talking about a short scene in the first or second episode, because that was the only time we see Elves who have Elf-specific problems, but I just hated that scene, because it steps into exactly the tropes that the games avoided. They complain, act irrationally and are portrayed as helpless, morally pure victims who won’t actually do anything that will do more than just slightly inconvenience humans. Toothless! Exactly as Hollywood would like oppressed peoples to be, righteous in their suffering, maybe stealing some bread but that’s all they will do.

Another thing that really bothered me was how unpolished it was. Hahaha! Terrible pun alert. They took everything Polish out of the story, see what I did there? I would have loved to see those houses with the flowers painted on them for example that are based on a real Polish village. What we got was just a bland Medieval(TM) world that could be anywhere and had no discernible features. It also obliterated the charm of the costume design. I found myself longing even for King Henselt’s unbelievably stupid belt because at least it had some character. And the weird and awesome creature design as well. None of it was on the show. Can you imagine that in a million years creatures like the three Crones from TW3 would show up on the show? Of course not, because a female character who won’t give the viewer a boner is obviously not worth showing.

And I don’t even understand how they managed to include Geralt being aware of his outsider status and thinking about it and to somehow make it boring anyway. But I’m really tired of writing and thinking about this now, so this is the end of my rant about like... half the things that annoyed me about the show.

[houseofglass]

When Jensen released the video announcing the conclusion of the series, I had a very weird feeling. I respect their decision but I think it was more Jensen idea than Jared and this annoys me a lot, but it seems that if you say something like that you are not a real fan. What do you think about it? You have no idea of ​​the insults I took because I dared to say that Jared and Jensen think differently...

I agree with you Nonny. I think it was Jensen’s idea too.

Bottom line: Jensen wants to move on, therefore, the show must end.

Longer version:

Jared has wanted to leave the show for a long time. Or, maybe not leave, but definitely not be in front of a camera for a while. He’s said that he’d like some time off after spn ends, but any actor that takes time off rarely gets back in the spotlight. But he wouldn’t leave as long as Jensen wanted to keep doing the show. Jared didn’t want to put the crew out of work (Oprah had similar concerns with her show, and I think she gave two or three years notice before ending), but he was also burning out. The show gracefully allowed more characters to reappear, which gave Jared a lighter workload. This worked for years.

Jensen wants to stay in the industry, but that means they can’t just end spn, they have to plan it out to the last day. In that planning is prep work for Jensen to show the industry who he is, what he’s capable of, and that he’s on the market again. That involves PR work to help guide public perceptions. This can be seen by Jensen’s public image lately: Architectural Digest shoot, King Bacchus, FBBC heavily promoted, and the texting ad, just to name the ones off the top of my head. This is radically different from Jared’s public persona: meeting fans, partying, drinking, and marathon running.

The video showed me that Jensen is ready for the next step, but Jared needs more time to mourn. But houseofglass, you said Jared wanted to leave! Yes, but he holds his emotions much closer to the surface than Jensen does. I think Jared, even though he’s tired, would have kept going on with the show just to keep his lifestyle afloat. I also think that even though they planned this out, seriously planned it, that it wasn’t real for Jared until they told the crew. As long as the workplace was in the dark, Jared could keep his fantasy of leaving alive. But once it became reality, several things probably fell into place for him.

What are those things? This depends on your perceptions Nonny. I don’t know if you’re a tinhat, a shipper, or a casual fan, so I’ll give a couple of explanations.

Casual Fan:Both have said they’ll keep going until the writing doesn’t work. Well, objectively, that would’ve been a few seasons ago. I mean, God’s sister? Crowley had a mother? WTF? The writers have been adding extra characters, presumably to give J2 time off, but the show has suffered as a result. Anyway. Let’s move on.

Jared’s adult life has been consumed by this show. He was 22 when he filmed the pilot, and is now 37. He has no idea of what adult life is without the show. Everything hinges on it. Travel, family time, filming, vacations, work related PR, conventions, meeting fans, all of it. Sure, he acted before the show and had a life before it as well. But his formative adult years were spent at one job. Imagine being married during the same age range for the same duration. Ending that marriage, whether toxic or not, is difficult.

Without the show, Jared has to figure out who he is and what he wants to do to fill his days. That’s really scary for someone who has mental illness or spends a lot of time inside their own head. As soon as the crew was notified, Jared had to face up to the fact that he agreed to this, that his life will now change, that his cornerstone is going to be gone, that it’s now REAL. So while he might have been ready to move on intellectually, he wasn’t quite ready to deal with the reality of it.

Jensen wants to keep working and try new things. Supernatural is holding him back. Don’t @ me, it is holding him back. He’s typecast. Pigeonholed. He’s Dean Winchester; tough guy with a soft heart. Trying to get another role will be difficult. If he stays in the industry and works behind the scenes he has a better chance, but first he needs to put spn behind him.

He knows Jared wants a break. He knows the crew will be unemployed. He knows spn contributes a lot to Vancouver/BC’s economy. He also knows he has to do difficult things to get what he wants. He has to end the show, and do it gracefully. I have no doubt he’s shaken up by his decision, but is comfortable with it.

Jared, however, seemed less comfortable with it even though he’s made it clear he wants a break. Wanting something and getting it are two different emotional states.

Shipper:Shipping isn’t a problem for J2. Kim Manners used to show them the Wincest fics and even print them out and post them on a bulletin board. J2 found it funny and a good release of creative energy. Neither appeared to have any issue with shipping.

Until they did.

Jensen could brush off all Destiel shipping questions pretty easily at first. It was an expression of creativity and his attitude was ‘to each their own’. But some Destiel shippers became militant and started asking invasive questions at cons. They also started hounding him on SM about Destiel. He’s handled it very well over the years, despite the hatred he received in return. But when he said, “Destiel doesn’t exist” at a con, I think that was the turning point for him.

Dean Winchester was a character Jensen really liked. Kinda tough, liked cars, masculine, good-natured, free lifestyle, that kind of thing. But somehow Dean got boiled down to half of Destiel. And I don’t mean with just the fans. I have eyes, I’ve seen the show, they queerbaited Cas and Dean when Cas was new. Although I think a lot of that queerbaiting was in the editing room. They could slow film down or change the colour saturation if they chose to, and this could change the audience’s perceptions of what’s going on.

Sidebar: I watched a show named unREAL which was about the producers of a show like The Bachelor, and in unREAL they demonstrated how to make two people look like they had chemistry. I had to pause the show, rewind, and watch again. I didn’t know that slowing film down could make glances seem significant. I know now.

So, here’s Jensen, playing a character he likes, only to have it 'twisted’ into something he doesn’t believe it is. For a while this was fine. Let the fans think what they want, it brings in ratings, it doesn’t change how he acted. Then it wasn’t fine, he got more and more irritated with the whole thing. If he kept going on with the show, he might have had to play a character in a way that was more like pandering and less like being authentic to the character.

On that note, Jensen has been distancing himself from Misha over the years. Why? Because Misha fuels Destiel whenever possible. Well, not lately. He’s switched to Sastiel. Anyway, despite being able to draw a crowd at a con with a Destiel panel, Jensen only does one a year: Jus In Bello. Please gently correct me if I’m wrong here, but I’m sure there’s only one Destiel panel and it’s in Rome. Jensen participated in the charity campaign with Misha, but not much since then. I suspect he did it because TPTB insisted he do something, and he agreed to the YANA campaign. Remember, celebrities are beholden to PR.

So now Jensen is doing a show with a person that isn’t respecting a boundary (stop pushing Destiel), and the perceptions of his character have changed in a way he doesn’t like. Time to end the show. Being a true professional, he ensured the fans and crew had enough notice to adjust to the idea.

Jared didn’t seem bothered by any shipping at all. If this is the primary reason for the show’s end, it was Jensen’s idea more than Jared’s IMO.

Tinhat:I believe Jared wanted to end the show after PR tried to separate him and Jensen by insisting they get married to women. Jared’s first breakdown was right about that time, and I always wondered if it was because he was living in a happy bubble with his lover and his show, and now he had to pander to the (perceived) hetero audience. Leading men just could not be gay back in the day. There’s more outed gay actors now, but fifteen years ago things were different. He held on, did as he was told, and his world continued.

Jared’s marriage seems to be falling apart, and I, personally, suspect it’s already over and done. Papers signed, custody arrangements made, properties split. If the show was still going on, he’d have to field questions about his divorce. But, if the show is announced it’s ending and then he announces his divorce, the divorce will take a back seat to the show’s finale. Timing is everything.

Jensen has seemed happy as a pig in shit for the entire run of the show. Sure, he’s had bad days, but mostly he’s enjoyed his time on spn and the lifestyle it’s awarded him. He didn’t seem as upset about getting married as Jared did (seriously, go find the pics of Jared’s wedding. He looked like he was kissing something repugnant), but Jensen had a different upbringing that conditioned him for a celebrity lifestyle. He probably knew beards were mandatory and it was just a matter of when, not if.

In order for them to still spend a ridiculous amount of time together, they had to keep the show going. It wasn’t a problem, the network was fine with it. But the pressure was hard for Jared and has been for a long time. If not for Jensen, Jared would have left years ago.

But then they announced the show was ending and their reactions were a bit off. Jensen appeared somewhat together, a bit excited, a bit sad, but ready. Jared looked like he’d been crying for hours and still had days worth of tears to shed.

The tinhat in me says this is because their entire world is about to change, and it may not be for the better. Nobody can predict the future. How much of J2’s success as a couple is reliant on them being together for most of the time? How will they navigate their relationship if only one is working? Will they come out? Probably not, if Jensen wants to stay in the industry. Jared won’t have his lover acting with him, he won’t have his lover for most of the hours in a day/week/month/year. He’s going to be alone, and that’s scary.

For the tinats: I’m not saying their relationship won’t survive. I don’t have a crystal ball. But it might be rocky at first while they figure out their new dynamics.

TL;DR: yes, Jensen seemed happier than Jared in the video. Jared seemed much more upset, and even tried to look at Jensen, who looked toward Misha instead of meeting his eyes.

Oh, and I didn’t really address Misha in this because it’s always been said that as long as J2 want the show to continue, it will. Him being in the video is more of a PR thing to me: Misha also needs to build his portfolio and I suspect his agent has negotiated more uh, 'lead exposure’? for him. I don’t know what the correct phrasing is, but he’s been lumped with J2 more and more lately.

Oh, and if you read this far, thanks for letting me babble :)

[managician]

ARC V Anniversary Day 4

Discussion prompt:  Who’s your favorite character(s)?

Hoo boy, I ended up making a top 10 because there’s so many lovable characters in this cast and I want to talk about them all... Warning for incredibly long descriptions as the top goes on (I’m sorry for mobile users)

10. Reira Akaba

Look at this precious bab. Right off the bat I knew I would like them — I have a kind of weakness for child characters (Rua is one of my faves from 5DS too for a reason), but I never actually expected to love them as much as I do right now. Seeing this little afraid kid with no sense of self grow into a person of their own and playing a literal key role in the resolution of the final conflict was so satisfying. 

09. Ray Akaba

Aand naturally, with me loving Reira it probably comes off as no surprise that I love Ray too. Even with the extremely limited screentime, she shot through the roof as one of my favorites. She was no goddess or super powerful entity that had the equal means to fight Zarc, but she did so anyway. And she won. She’s the porter of an incredibly inspiring message and pretty much symbolizes the core of ARC V’s narrative; she saw trouble and she knew cowering in fear would solve nothing, so she took a step forward with courage and believed in her own worth. POINT IS, Ray is awesome.

08. Rin 

Ahh, Rin... It’s one of the few cases where it’s hard for me to articulate what I like about her the most. I actually wasn’t super invested in her when I first finished watching the show, but one of my friends really likes Yugo and Rin and that got me to think more about her beyond her lack of screentime, and I found myself suddenly appreciating her a lot. She has all her pragmatic yet caring personality and goals scattered throughout the show if you pay attention to her interactions with Yugo, and you can actually get a extremely solid grasp on the kind of the person she is — even her deck plays into it (a logical and ruthless Burn Damage deck, which showcases she’s not here for anyone’s bullshit). 

07. Shun Kurosaki

Shun is a fairly biased case for me, I’ll totally admit. I didn’t actually like him that much during my watch of the show though, and it wasn’t until the XYZ/Fusion Arc that I looked at the events of ARC V in retrospective and realised how much Shun had been involved in. I’m a sucker for stoic and ruthless characters learning to trust people again, and Shun fit into the mold perfectly. And he definitely did strike me as cool from the first go, with Rise Falcon’s insane OTK against the LDS Trio back in Standard, so even if I wasn’t actively rooting for his character I wanted to see what direction he’d take. Seeing him grow and finally make peace with the Yuto/Ruri situation at the end of the show made me incredibly happy; I think that he could finally start leaving all the bitterness and pain behind and begin a new journey of hope with his comrades. 

06. Serena

Another case of me being somewhat (okay, really) gay and biased for girls. I loved Serena right from the first go; her pushy and pretty aggressive personality caught my interest, and we got a glimpse of her backstory with Reiji pretty soon after her introduction, which made me feel connected with her very easily. Yet another misguided Academia student — though her arc is completely different compared to say, Sora’s or Dennis’s. She had even less information about the outside world than the rest of the Fusion gang did, and so of course the key for her was learning the truth. Thanks to Yuzu and Shun she was able to check by herself how horrorific her Academia comrades’s actions had been, and she immediately decides to fight against the injustice. There’s something admirable about her relentless courage and will to do what’s right, and she never stops being herself and fighting like she wants to the very bitter end. Pretty inspiring for me, honestly.

05. Reiji Akaba

And we enter Top 5, starting off with Reiji, who is frankly the trickiest character for me on this list. Unlike many people I know I didn’t ever think of him as an evil or dettached rival, because of... His scarf. Yes, his stupid gravity defying-scarf. Red symbolizes heroism in many Japanese shows, so I had the hunch that Reiji would end up acting nicer than he did at the beginning of show. And boy, did he. He’s an incredibly compelling and well-rounded character who is a clear contrast to Yuya’s bright entertainment, and he expresses his emotions in a very subtle way. He’s an unexpected rival who subverts tropes left and right, just like the protagonist; and while it’s clearly a case of the “I Had To Grow Up Too Early” trope, it’s executed so brilliantly well that you can’t help feel sorry for him, even if you don’t particularly like him. ...Which was actually what happened to me, I barely cared for him in my first watch of the show... And then I loved him and suddenly he was in my top favorites. He’s so great.

04. Sawatari Shingo

I’ll say it right from the go, I didn’t ever think a character of Shingo’s type could get me so interested. From the beginning of the show I saw him as Yuya’s ‘rival’ in a purer sense of the word than Reiji; they’re both Entertainment Duelists and have a more direct confrontation in the championship’s Action Duel. But that’s all he really was to me, another showcasing of Entertainment and a fun character to see when he was on screen, nothing else. And yet I found myself taking a deep liking to him when he finally tried to steer his own path; despite being a loud, kind-of comedy relief character if the situation requires for it (somewhat akin to Jounouchi in DM, perhaps), at the same time he’s a quite talented Duelist who enjoys pulling a crowd’s attention towards him. He wants to impress people and that’s something I could relate to in a very intimate way, as much as I preferred Yuya’s ideology. And he grew so much during the BB Arc with Crow too, it was so cute.

Tied for 3rd spot - Yuto and Yuzu Hiragi

Aka... I tried really, really hard to pick one... But I had to give up. Sometimes I say Yuto’s 3rd and Yuzu 2nd and some other days it’s the other way around, and then sometimes I straight up can’t decide. Like today. 

I wasn’t big on Yuto at first at all. He did intrigue me, especially because thanks to him we were introduced to the same-face plot that set off the whole Standard arc in the first place, though that was it. I thought he was cool, a character you can appreciate if he comes up with screen, but don’t actively think of outside of that. Broodingly dark characters tend to piss me off unless they quickly grow on me, which probably added to me not feeling very interested in either him or Shun at the beginning of the show; even with that, I appreciated his rather calm and pacifist nature in comparison to his partner... 

And then Episode 37 happened and I was completely thrown off the charts. His desire to bring smiles to people and to not hurt anyone anymore to the point of refusing to attack Yugo pulled at my heartstrings, and I’m a complete sucker for self-sacrificing characters, so when he protected Yuya at the expense of his own soul and entrusted that desire onto him... I was sold. His influence is rather subtle but shows passionately many times, and I found myself falling in love with his character despite the lack of screentime and dubious characterisation that every XYZ character suffers from; I think he’s the best one out of the trio in that matter, though. And his interactions with Yuzu, Ruri and Yuya are so sweet; overall he’s just a character I can find myself easily toying with and I love his role in the show.

What can I say about Yuzu? She’s my favorite female lead from all YGO series. I found her rather annoying but cute during the first... Ten or so episodes. And then I fell in love with her because holy damn, she’s such an amazing character. She actually Duels, has a beautiful and kickass deck and is deeply involved in the plot from start to end (which is already more than can be said for the other shows), not to mention she’s such an inspiring role model. Yuzu always actively worked to improve herself and it’s refreshing to see her be so open with her feelings and caring for people. She’s so strong and I really enjoyed all the bonds she had with the rest of the cast — when you had half of them going through hell and back to help her, it felt legitimately heartwarming and believable, because she always does her best to forge a connection with people and isn’t afraid to say what she thinks.

She felt like one of the most human characters in the show for me, as her best strength was the power of encouraging and inspiring other people (Yuya, Serena, Yugo just to name a few) rather than being unbeatable or not being allowed to fail. She’s everything and more I could hope from a female lead and she inspires me everyday.

01. Yuya Sakaki

*falls to the ground and sobs*

I can’t even begin to describe how much I love this precious ball of sunshine. Anime protagonists are always without fail a 50/50 chance for me, I either love them with all my soul or I hate them and I’m 200% more invested in other characters. Yuya (un)surprisingly fell into the first category from the very first episode, he’s so adorable and seeing him go on a journey to leave behind his years of bullying and depression and turn into someone he can be proud of is hands down the most inspiring thing in this series. 

He genuinely makes me so happy and his character development is the very thing that made me invested in ARC V in the first place, I will never get enough of what an amazing and compelling protagonist he is. His attitude of trying to stay happy and make the people around him happy as well, but ultimately falling victim to his own emotions and crashing hard against reality is so brutally and openly real that my heart aches just from thinking of it. I’ve learned with him as I watched the show; as an audience we experienced the same happiness, sadness and pain that he went through, and I’m so proud of him for getting so far and never giving up despite all the odds always being against him.

He’ll always hold a special place in my heart, he’s so important to me and I’m just really glad he exists! 

[joyofcrime-elinorhigh]

Watamote Review: (Oh, The Cringe)

"Beware that, when fighting cringe, you yourself do not become a cringe lord yourself.. for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche: 1886 -(Probably) -(Don't Google it)

 Hello there, everybody. My name is JoyofCrimeArt, and the word "cringe" is definitely thrown around a lot these days, to the point where some say that the word is starting to lose all meaning. "Oh, you like some band or movie that I don't like? That's so cringe, lol." No, Damn it! I'm sick of all of it! I'm looking for true, unadulterated cringe, in it's purest form! The type of cringe that makes you unsure if you should laugh or cry. The type of cringe that makes you question if our species evolutionary process is going backwards or forwards. That is why I am on a quest to find this cringe, for the good of science! So today in my journey to find the most cringe thing ever created (other than myself, obviously) we will be diving head first into the deep end of the cringe pool, as we head to Japan once again to talk about the 2013 anime series Watamote. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWOTQRduHeA

(Yes, I'm using the ending credit song here. I know people love the shows opening, and while I think that the song on it's own isn't that bad and the visuals are really nice, the heavy metal doesn't really match the show in my opinion. Couple with the clever lyrics here, I find this song a better representation of the show, and much catchier.)   Watamote (Aka: No Matter How I Look at It, It’s You Guys' Fault I’m Not Popular! Aka: No Matter How I Look at It, This Series Really Needs a Shorter Title.) is a twelve episode anime series based off of the manga by the same name written by two writers who both go by the pen name Nico Tanigawa. The series follows the misadventures of main protagonist Tomoko Kuroki, a very socially backwards teenage girl who's about to enter her first year of high school. Being unpopular in middle school, Tomoko decides that high school is going to be a fresh start for her, as she decides that she will not only become the most popular girl in school, but will also get a boyfriend as well. Things do not turn out that way and hijinks ensue. Seems like a fairly standard, if not somewhat bland premise, right? Well you might assume that at first, but what if I were to tell you that this show handles the subject in such a unique and creative way, that it was actually able to became one of my personal favorite animated series of the decade so far? Why is that, you ask? Well, let's dive in and find out.  Let's start by talking about our main character, Tomoko Kuroki. Tomoko is a first year high school student who dreams of becoming popular and getting a boyfriend. However, there are two big things that makes this hard for her. The first thing is that she is not a very friendly person. She's bitter, cynical, and even a bit demented at points. She has her soft moments, but in general she tends to assume the worst in almost anybody, and holds a lot of resentment for people who are more socially skilled than she is. The second thing is that Tomoko is HEAVILY implied to suffers from a surprisingly fairly realistic depiction of social anxiety disorder. At the start of the series Tomoko is completely unable to talk to anybody outside of her own family. These two facts, particularly the latter, are what makes Tomoko's goal of becoming the most popular girl in school such an enormous challenge, and Tomoko trying to break out of her shell serves as the main arc of the series. Social anxiety disorder is not a topic that I've seen covered very much in other forms of media, and I can't think of any other series that covers it in the way Watamote does. But I'll get to that a bit later.  There are some other side characters, but honestly there aren't that many. There's Tomoko's younger and stoic brother Tomoki, who has to put up with Tomoko's annoying antics. There's also Yu, Tomoko's only friend from middle school who now goes to a separate high school. While she too was unpopular in middle school, unlike Tomoko she actually was able to reinvent herself when she entered high school by dying her hair blond and hiding her love of anime. She acts as a good contrast to Tomoko as a reflection of what Tomoko wants to be. There's also one other character who comes in near the end of the series, but I can't really talk about her to much without getting into mild spoiler territory. All of these characters are good in there own right, but other then them the show is mostly about Tomoko. This is clever as by keeping the cast of side characters small, it helps drive the point home about how lonely she really is due to her social anxiety. Resulting in about eighty five to ninety percent of the shows "dialogue" to actually be Tomoko's internal dialogue, as she talks to herself about whatever situation she is in. I've never seen a show do something like this before and it's really an interesting thing to do. It ties the audience much more into Tomoko's struggle by truly making the series her story, and her's alone. However, this means that the entire series does rely on you liking Tomoko as a character. If you don't than there isn't much else to latch on to.    Episodes of the show are pretty formulaic. They almost always center around either Tomoko coming up with some kind of hare brain scheme to get more popular or involve her being forced to act in some kind of social situation. Often times the plots do not act as much of a "linear plot" as much as a series of short vignettes that center around a theme. Like episodes four, where the plot is that "it's raining" and we get several different segments of Tomoko doing stuff while it's raining. Or episode seven, where the whole plot is just Tomoko doing several things during her summer break. It's a pretty unique format that I haven't seen many other times before and makes the episodes feel less like a coherent stories and more like just moments of Tomoko's life. I really enjoy this way of storytelling, as it makes the stories seem a lot smaller. That might sound like a bad thing, but I think it helps ground the world and the characters, and makes it feel more relatable. It makes the stories feel like something that could actually happen in real life.  Now despite how depressing this show might sound from my description of it, it is still a comedy. It's just that it's a very dark comedy. Most of the jokes in the series coming from Tomoko's failure to understand the way that people are suppose to act socially, or the leaps in logic she makes when it comes to her schemes to become more popular. This often results in what is known as "cringe comedy" or as what I like to call it "Oh God, please stop." comedy. This is a style of humor that this show has perfected to a t. Every situation that Tomoko finds herself in is uncomfortable to watch, in the best of way. It's actually a great show to watch if you are socially awkward, cause then you can say, "Well hey, at least I'm not THAT bad." Unless of course you are that bad, in which case you really need to question your life decisions.

THIS IS THE STUFF WE'RE DEALING WITH, PEOPLE!  Tomoko's plans are always doomed from the start, to the point where failure is an inevitability. This actually provides an interesting viewing experience in a strange kind of way. Most of the time in good stories a character will think of a plan that is just crazy enough to work. You as the viewer will be unsure of whether or not the characters plan will work or not and that's how the series builds suspense. But Watamote's plot structure doesn't work like that. The plots of Watamote function less like conventional stories and more like a car driving into a brick wall. What I mean by this is that whenever Tomoko comes up with any kind of plan to become popular you know form the very beginning that it's going to fail. The schemes are so disconnected from any kind of reality that it's obvious to anyone who isn't Tomoko that the plan won't work. An example of this in the episode six where she tries to become more attractive by playing dating sims game, due to the fact that she believed that by being aroused by these games, her body would create more feminine hormones, and those hormones would make her more attractive. And that's not even her dumbest plan she has in this series! You know from the start that this plan makes absolutely no Goddamn sense, but then you have to sit there for the next six to ten minutes and watch it fail. You have to watch the metaphorical car crash unfold. The show definitely has a niche style of humor that won't be for everyone, but I personally can't get enough of it.  Now, while the show has gotten mixed to positive reviews from fans and critics, those who do dislike the show site a major problem with the series being how it deals with the topic of social anxiety. Many say that the show does not tackle the topic with much tack or grace, as the series is basically about laughing at how miserable Tomoko is because of her illness. Not to mention the fact that pretty much no adult in the series tries in anyway to actually help Tomoko through her problem. Not even her parents. Many argue that this show is taking the subject to lightly. Honestly though, I disagree with this analysis, and honestly I have no idea where they would get this idea from.

Oh, Tomoko! You're so CRAY CRAY! Ha Ha! You see, it's funny because social anxiety is hilarious!  Okay, in all seriousness, I can get that complaint. Heck, now that I think about it, I honestly don't think this story would have been able to air if it came out in America due to the way it handles the issue. So the question becomes "is this show offensive to people with social anxiety disorder"? Well, I don't think so. The show does play a lot of the social anxiety stuff for laughs, but it is also played for drama as well. Tomoko's whole character arc is about her learning to cope with her condition while also trying to conquer it. And while I don't have social anxiety disorder (Though I am EXTREMELY introverted, so take of that what you will.) I think that the story would be very inspiring for someone who does have it. Watamote is a lot like an TV-MA rated version of the comic strip Peanuts, (hear me out, here!) Like Charlie Brown Tomoko is a character that the world is just out to get. She tries her hardest, but from the very beginning we know that failure is inevitable. But Tomoko never stops trying. And when she does have even the smallest of victories it feels all the more satisfying. Because Tomoko does change over the course of the twelve episodes. The change is very gradual, but as the series goes on she does become more and more confident speaking around other people, and it feels like a real accomplishments, even though it's clear at the end of the series that she still has quite a way to go. Even her motivations change over the course of the series, going from "Wanting to be the most popular girl in school and having a boyfriend" to "Just wanting a boyfriend" to "Just wanting to have a friend." It shows the struggles that comes with anxiety, but it also shows that with hard work you can rise above it, even if it's only one step at a time. For a comedy driven show it actually has a lot of heart behind it. And it's this heart that I think keeps the show from being just a show that uses social anxiety as a punchline, into a series that really treats the issue with the respect it should be treated with, albeit in a comedic way.

 The show treads a careful line into dipping into "torture porn" territory (Which, for anyone who is not aware, is a term often used to describe a show that features one character suffering over and over again for no good reason. BTDubz, we also learn is one of Tomoko's kinks.) What I mean is that as an audience member you want to watch the main character succeed in there endeavors. However, Tomoko fails ninety nine percent of the time. The series could easily dip to far and end up becoming too depressing and mean spirited. But luckily there able to carefully avoid this my making almost of Tomoko's suffering is caused by internal forces, not external. No one actually bullies Tomoko for her condition, or anything. it just that most people don't know she exists. If Tomoko could actually just talk to someone instead of overthinking things she wouldn't have a problem making friends at all. This stops the series from coming across as overly mean spirited. Because it is Tomoko, or more specifically her condition, that makes her life hard. Not anyone or anything else. Tomoko life is separated from all of her peers, and the show cleverly illustrates this by having a lot of the background characters being drawn without faces. Because, to Tomoko, there just a faceless mob. That and it probably helps cut cost on the character design budget-

 Also, the fact that Tomoko is such a jerky character also helps the series feel less like a torture porn. Cause while obviously you don't want Tomoko to suffer, it is a lot easier to watch a lovable jerk suffer compared to someone who did nothing wrong. I mean seriously, look at the way Tomoko talks about her only friend Yuu in her internal monologue!

She's such a jerk!  But because we know what she goes through it stops her from becoming to unlikeable...For the most part.  That leads me into some of the flaws with the show. While I do really love this show a lot, I believe that everything has pros and cons to it, and it deserves to be talked about. Just keep in mind though that many of these flaws are kinda nitpicks, that don't distract too much from the series as a whole.  Sometimes Tomoko can come across as to mean spirited and unlikeable. The bit before the train scene in episode four is probably the worst of it, though there at least she does learn that she was wrong. The show also has a tendency to reuse music from previous episodes, which while not that bad does get fairly noticeable as the series goes on. The series also has a lot of references to both Japanese pop cultural references and references and Japaness culture in general. For some reason a lot of the Japanese brand names or anime series that are names dropped in the series are censored out in the sub? It's weird because there not removed like they are in the dub, but they'll have one or two letters blocked out. I don't get the point. But yeah, a lot of those jokes went over my head, and would probably work better if I knew more about day to day life of a Japanese youth.  Also the ending of the series is kinda lackluster. I'm not going to go into spoilers, but Watamote is based off of a manga. A manga that is still running today, so they didn't really have an ending they could adapt. And it's kinda clear from the feeling of the finale that the people behind the anime didn't really know what to do when they got to the end of there twelve episode run. The finale isn't really that bad to be completely honest, but it does feel like a very abrupt end written by people who where just kinda guessing what the ending of the manga might end up being like.  Also, while I don't see this as a flaw, this show will not be everybody. This show will make you feel uncomfortable. A lot of scenes are really hard to watch, just due to how intentionally awkward they are. I kept out A LOT of the really cringy moments from the show out of the review as not to spoil them, but trust me. It gets truly hard to watch at some points. This is Butch Hartman's YouTube channel levels of cringe! (Okay, that's a lie, nothing is that cringe. Sorry Watamote.) It's both the shows greatest strength and greatest weakness. The humor is both very unique but also very niche, which is why while this show was fairly successful when it came out, I would find very few people other than myself who would call it one of there favorite anime series.  Now, it's time to talk about the age old debate. How should you watch the series, Dubbed or Subbed? Well, honestly, I don't really care. It's your life man, As long as you're not hurting anybody what do I care? But if you wanted my opinion, I'd be happy to share it with you! Since most of the lines come from Tomoko she'll be the big deciding factor. For the sub we have the performance of Izumi Kitta. Ms. Kitta nails the role of Tomoko in my personal opinion. She has such a meek and high pitched voice that it really sells the emotional scenes in the series. When Tomoko is forced to talk to someone in the sub her voice is at a near inaudible whisper, which really does help give you the sense that Tomoko is truly unable to communicate with most people. In the dub Tomoko is played by voice acting legend Monica Rial. Her take on Tomoko's voice is less cutesy and is a lot more nasally, which does work as an interpretation. She captures the comedy moments really well too. However, I feel like she isn't as good at capturing the moments of anxiety as well as Kitta, and due to Kitta managing to pull of the comedic and the touching side I think her take is the better version.  No offence to Monica Rial though. I do love the fact that her version of Tomoko sounds like a cross between Renge from Ouran High School Host Club  (Who she also voices in the dub) and Peridot from Steven Universe. THAT'S A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN I TELLS' YA!

 So in the end, should you watch Watamote? Well, I think it depends on who you are. The series won't be for everyone. It's brand of humor is very unique, and will likely turn a lot of people off. But I think if you're the type of person who likes weird, uncomfortable humor they'll be something for you here. ESPECIALLY if you're shy or introverted. There will definitely be a part of you who will be able to relate to the show, even if you're not exactly proud that you related to it. The series is also only twelve episodes, so it isn't that much of a commitment. It's really a shame that it's only twelve episodes though, as they only ended up adapting about three and a half volumes out of the still ongoing ten volume run. They could of done more if they wanted too. But then again, leave them wanting more as they say. (That way you can force them to buy your manga set...) The series can be found subbed on Crunchyroll for free, or on Hulu if you already have an account. Unfortunately the only way to find the series dubbed legally is on DVD or blu-ray sets, and those are about thirty bucks on Amazon here in the US. However, depending on your financial situation it may just be worth it...(But God knows I don't have that kind of money!) If this review got you at all interested consider checking the series out.  So that's my review of the anime series Watamote. What do you think of the series? Which moment was the hardest to watch for you? Tell me all that in the comments down bellow. I'd love to start a conversation, even if you don't necessarily agree with all of the points I've made. Please fav, follow, and comment if you liked this review, or if you have any suggestions for any other reviews in the future. Have a great day. (Interesting fact. Whenever I'm at work during my lunch break at work I will either go to the bookstore that's right by my work establishment or I'll just sit in the break room reading my volumes of  Watamote mangas by myself while trying to make it so my co-workers can't see what I am reading. THIS SHOW IS SO ME AND THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING-) (I do not own any of the images or videos in this review all credit goes to there original owners.)

https://www.deviantart.com/joyofcrimeart/journal/Watamote-REVIEW-Oh-the-Cringe-698766244 DA Link

[ran-satori]

Stranger Things Season 2 Did Not Disappoint (a.k.a. 10 Things I Really Liked About It)

While most fan predictions, theories and even wishes were mostly on the mark, nothing could prepare us from how they unfolded over 9 episodes.

Spoilers abound. You have been warned. The list is a work in progress and will be continually updated as I rewatch the 2nd season for the entire week. I will also be coming up with a list of 10 things that I didn’t like about the season.

So here’s 10 things I loved about this season:

I liked how Hopper tried his best to be a dad to El in the first 3 episodes. It was kind of cute at how he seemed to bribe her with privileges (well, Eggos mostly) in order to keep her in the cabin for almost a year. Well, 353 days did reach its breaking point after all and he simply learned that he had to let El truly live. That scene where he receives El’s forged birth certificate and giving him his family name was as touching as also letting her take the few steps of living a normal life at the Snow Ball Dance. 

Bob was kind of annoying at first but he quickly grew to be a dark horse and beloved character that you’d root for in surviving the season. But alas, it was simply not meant to be. In the least, the other kids (besides Noah and Jonathan) felt a sense of admiration for the guy as he was said to be the original founder of the middle school AV club and he even rubbed off on their own science teacher Mr. Clarke.

I like the way how the younger kids still did all the “solving” (via D&D analogies) and even became more daring and proactive in the last 2 episodes. Steve was in his element despite taking a beating (again). Honestly, the guy really has to graduate from being a punching bag next season. Or is this the Duffers’ way of having a character being a running gag?

The Byers’ house… I cannot even begin to describe how that house got so messed up again. The house still got beaten up pretty badly this season. I liked how it retained a “personality” of its own (and how the place could use a darn renovation). I just hope it doesn’t get burned down next season because while that may be a way to for the Byers’ to start fresh and get rid of some bad juju, the house was always the nexus for everything.

While the relationship between Max and El was somewhat off to a rocky start on their first meeting, I still liked how Max quickly acclimatized herself to the party throughout the episodes and that she has found some semblance of a home with them despite how they’re a bunch of nerds. I really admired her patience in handling both Mike and Dustin.

Jancy was bound to happen. Even though Steve quickly found himself in the friendzone once again, he marvelously stepped up to being the boys’ big brother-role model, more specifically Dustin’s. He was like the Aragorn that the Fellowship of 4 Hobbits were looking for all along. I hope he finds a special someone to anchor him more to Hawkins next season.

Billy deserves a redemption arc next season. He was really misunderstood for the most part and it didn’t help that his own dad seemed to be the source of all the pain and anger that he projected onto everyone especially onto Max. I really thought he’d be like Steve by the end of the season. Plus, it didn’t help that I cringed at the thought of him hooking up with Mrs. Wheeler. God forbid that from ever happening. I will be more scarred than Mike and Nancy will ever be. But I still hope to see his character more next season - be it further into villainy or redeemed (but still a bad ass).

The presence of more “Numbered” children was a long time coming but the season only gave us one gifted individual: “008” or “Kali” as she was called by her posse. Amazingly, El still has even greater potential than what she has demonstrated so far from the first season. And that a Kenobi-like Kali was there to not only give her purpose but help train her in the use of her abilities. I hope we see more of the other experimented children in the next season. It even got me thinking that Will could already be considered one by affinity.

Joyce and Nancy are still badasses! Jonathan softened somewhat despite having gone through a lot last season. It was Nancy who volunteered to use the rifle and not Jonathan who hesitated (ironic that it was Jonathan who taught Nancy to shoot a gun last season). And even much later, it was Jonathan who had the urge to hug Nancy and look away from his suffering brother. Nancy looked on throughout the ordeal and served as the emotional calm and anchor for the Byers throughout the last 2 episodes.

The #JusticeForBarb arc came through in a way that I really didn’t really expect. And through it all we got to see not only Barb’s parents but also the boys’ other families. But it was a fitting closure for both Barb’s parents and the entire town who had to live through an entire year in ignorance of the true nature of the Hawkins Lab… although in alternative facts.

Halfway through watching the season, I felt part of the hype of Season 2 ebb away for some reason. The direction of the plot became fairly predictable with each episode. And it didn’t help that some of the theories and predictions were heavily espoused for over a year through various blogs and fanfics.

So I recommend that you just enjoy all the acting and drama. I, for one, wanted more scenes of Mike and El catching up with each other but the final episode does fill in a nice chapter onto their budding romance. The fangirl in me cannot wait for Season 3 to show how El is doing as a Hawkin’s MS/HS student, Hopper’s daughter, and Mike’s girlfriend - all not necessarily in that order.

[shenmeizhuang-blog]

10 + 11 questions tag

Great thanks and acknowledgments to @letsflytoasiarenata and @belladonna2017 for sending me questions! So, here goes: 

A. Always post the rules. Answer the questions then write (10 or 11?) new ones.

B. Tag 11 people and link them to the post. Tell the person who tagged you that you’ve answered their questions.

My questions: 

Favorite villain or antagonist.

Favorite character trope/archetype.

Least favorite character trope/archetype.

Least favorite drama trope.

Name a character that you initially disliked but came to love.

Favorite multi-season drama?

Favorite example of trope dissection/dispellation. 

Favorite time travel drama.

Choose a period drama, sageuk, or wuxia that you would like to time travel to.

Historical event/time period/historical figure(s) that you want to see a show explore.

Name a show with the best (most intensive yet reasonable/plausible) plot twists. 

Favourite historical period in sageuks/wuxia?

This question made me ponder for a bit, since because the center stage of most wuxias is jianghu, or the pugilistic world, largely defined as “a sub-society isolated from mainstream or governmental law”, henceforth most wuxias largely feel timeless, with no specific historical dynasty or time period adhered to the story. Granted, there are some fusions centered around court politics that acknowledge the pugilistic world and combine certain wuxia elements – Nirvana in Fire (fictionalized Northern and Southern Dynasties) rather heavily features wuxia elements, and The Glory of Tang Dynasty (Tang Dynasty) more minimally, but also somewhat. 

I suppose it’s a moot point, since upcoming xianxia wuxia Martial Universe is set in the “culturally vibrant Spring & Autumn Era”, but essentially – generally I actually don’t care about what time period a wuxia is set in. 

Now, if we’re talking about a historical period in general, I’ve noticed that dramas I’ve enjoyed have tended to take place in the Qing Dynasty (not to mention Manchurian blood runs throughout my veins) – it feels like an appropriate mix of various different ethnic influences, from Mongolian and Manchurian to Han to even some Western influence. (In theory, I would imagine myself enjoying non-spy Republican dramas, but I actually have not.)

As for sageuks, I have only seen one thus far – set in Goryeo. I didn’t enjoy that drama, but the costuming was pretty. 

Which story/book/show you would like to see adapted in South Korea/China/Japan?

I tend to stray away from remakes, and I tend to not read source novels until after a drama release, largely to avoid disappointment and comparisons (e.g., even reading The Rankings of Lang Ya Hall in preparation for Nirvana in Fire made the latter slightly disappointing). 

But personally, I want a faithful adaptation The Concubine’s Daughter is Poisonous, featuring full-on leg-decapitation, time travel/reincarnation, and bloody revenge. (So, no, The Princess Weiyoung did not do.)

Drama that you watched for your fave and he/she owes you after what you’ve endured for her/him? :D

Swordsman, the Yumama-fication of Jin Young’s The Smiling, Proud Wanderer. But even with Wallace Huo and Joe Chen’s sizzling chemistry, I simply was unable to complete the show. 

More strictly, I somehow completed (or, more like FF-ed in frustration) The Imperial Doctress and The Journey of Flower despite the character-butchering, torture, and sheer WTF-ery of said shows. Thanks, Wallace Huo. :D

I would also complain about Love Me If You Dare, since I think I hung on more for its popularity more than anything, and IMO it sort of went haywire, but it wasn’t *as bad* for me as the ones mentioned above. I have similar sentiments about Perfect Couple. 

Drama that still haunts you?

Do you not see me still suffering from Glory of Tang Dynasty withdrawal? (To be fair, ~ 2 weeks isn’t particularly long, so who knows?)

The Journey of Flower left a rather brutal impression. The Legend of Zhen Huan, Nirvana in Fire, and Bu Bu Jing Xin are definitely shows that will stick with me for a very long time. 

Most stylish drama character in your opinion?

(I have a tendency to think of dramas that I’m currently perusing or obsessing over, so a lot of my answers will definitely feel very GOTD-centric. Just a warning.)

It turns out a lot of my files got cleared out these days, including a bunch of precious caps. But here’s a very nice video on Bilibili featuring Li Chu’s (42, apparently) outfits. 

Drama that you didn’t expect you will enjoy?

Medical Examiner Dr. Qin, since I rarely ever watch crime procedurals, but I honestly adore the show so much. 

Boss And Me, since it seemed to be your typical chaebol-ordinary girl set-up (and it is, but the way they explore and develop ShanTeng feels very heart-warming and much more realistic than expected. <3)

Favourite drama OST’s lyrics?

I’m a fickle, undecisive person, so I actually don’t know which drama OST is my favorite. Here are the lyrics for: Three Inches of Heaven (Bu Bu Jing Xin) and White-Haired Lament (Sound of the Desert). Recently, though, I’ve been drowning myself in 霍尊’s 素颜 (The Glory of Tang Dynasty). Here are my awkwardly translated lyrics: 

你是春的使节 让残雪融解

You are the ambassador of spring, thawing the last residues of snow 

染成青黛的天 等着细雨停歇

Bleeding into the indigo skies, waiting for the drizzle to cease

你素颜  裹着云烟

You, bare-faced, swath the misty clounds

诗意了远方 湿润了心间

[Made] afar poetic; softened the heart

闭上眼 姹紫嫣红都不觉甜

Closed eyes; even the most spectacular colors lack indulgence

只为你的容颜

Only for your appearance

豁然间 春光如恋

At sudden enlightenment, the spring scenery exudes amour

渲染了 你的出现

Romanticizing your emergence

最留恋 不是云巅

The [things] most reluctant to part are not the clouds atop the summit

是千万里朝颜和暮雪

But the flowers and twilight snow thousands of miles apart

梦回间 春光流泻

Revisiting in dreams, the spring scenery spills out 

归去在 落花时节

Returning to the season of falling petals

待离别 青空绵绵

Until parting; the clarity remains unbroken

你会成山水间那一点 如烟

You will become that point between the water and the mountains; as mist

The most memorable quote from a drama?

为何你还要贬我来抬他？

Why would you still belittle me to elevate him?

[One of the many things I love, love about The Glory of Tang Dynasty is the occasional bits of meta they incorporate into the show, sometimes even to dispel certain tropes – especially when comparing characters, most commonly male leads who always seem to be presented as foils of each other, this is always something to keep in mind.]

One thing that you appreciate the most in dramas?

Events occurring at totally coincidentally (un)-perfect timing. 

Slow burn or love at first sight OTP dynamic?

It actually depends. Both are acceptable if executed properly. The childhood trope disguised as “love at first sight” tends to annoy me. 

Favourite remake/adaptation?

Lotus Lantern (2005), adapted from traditional Chinese folklore. 

If you could change one thing about one drama, what would it be?

I just … somehow, fix Jingyao’s arc in Glory of Tang Dynasty. (I don’t know exactly how – since they actually did explore some interesting things and consequences with her character rarely ever shown in period C-dramas ever, I slightly feel inclined to forgive the show for … *coughs*. But for starters, she should really learn to say no to drugging people.)

Who is a popular actor that you can’t seem to get into?

Li Yifeng. (Not that I’ve ever made an active effort to like him or anything – Chusen simply did not particularly work for me.)

What’s a popular drama that you didn’t like/dropped?

Prince of Lan Ling, The Princess Weiyoung, General And I, Ice Fantasy, The Imperial Doctress, The Journey of Flower, Legend of MiYue, The Legend of Chusen, Empress of China, The Four

Underrated favourite drama?

The Glory Of Tang Dynasty! ‘Tis the sad life when no English subs exist. 

An actor/actress you wish would do dramas more often?

Zhou Xun and Chen Kun! 

A guilty pleasure drama?

Love O2O. Cute fluffiness + pretty people + strong OTP + RPG = very enjoyable escapism. 

What drama would you say has the best ending?

Nirvana in Fire. 

Wu Xin: The Monster Killer – a lot of people were unsatisfied with its melancholy conclusion (re: there’s a Season 2, guys!), but personally it actually worked for me, appropriately concluding the entirety as if it were simply a 20-episode show. Since Season 2 does take place in a rather different setting, with, Wu Xin aside, a different set of characters, I thought it nicely ended the Season 1 arc. 

If you could crossover two (or more) dramas, what would they be?

This! This is actually a very creative question – kudos to whoever came up with this. Earlier @yansanniang and I were discussing a GOTD x Legend of Zhen Huan cross-over – sort of, where An Qingxu, his medicinal abilities, and his emotional instability decided to go shake things up at Yongzheng’s court. The other day I was thinking about how things might go down if Empress Zhang decided to invite a certain 麒麟才子 with a penchant for ruining birthday parties to her own birthday party, hoping to gain his help to aid her with her own ambitions… 

Who is a female character that the fandom hated, but you loved?

Hua Qian Gu. I agree, there were times where she felt overly childish and overbearing (I believe it was equal parts frustration and even hatred at her AND BZH), and I find it difficult to watch someone who literally refused to change, but ultimately she still won me over. 

What’s your favourite fictional found family?

Dr. Qin Medical Examiner’s Qin Ming, Da Bao, and Lin Tao. In my mind they’re a family. :))

Tagging: @swordsandparasols @yansanniang @itsjustveryludicrous @alakoba @renewedmotionforjudgment @loquatly @cdramaddict @whimsyfulwanderings @seventh-fantasy @dangermousie @thedazzlingdarkness

[idealisticrealism]

Blindspot 2x10 recap

(Aka the one where Patterson suffers more than she ever deserves to, and the team begrudgingly adopts Roman)

So, here I am, back by... well, vague demand... to provide you guys with another overly long and rambly recap. It seems that, regardless of what this show does, I will inevitably have a lot of thoughts and opinions about it-- and surprisingly there's some of you who are actually willing to suffer through reading them haha.

So I hope everyone had a nice hiatus/holiday period, and here goes. 

Okay. Shit. I have to say that this show totally got me here with the whole Borden vs Patterson pistol duel. I was convinced that Borden would be the one who was shot, because who the hell would dare harm our precious Patterson?? The writers, apparently. (Sadists, the lot of them). Also to Borden's credit, he does sound genuinely horrified when he realises he’s shot her, and I do really still believe that he truly cared about her. But sigh, way to sink my ship, show. And then ugh my lil baby slumping against the wall and being all “don’t touch me!” and ugh this is the worsstttt

Ok where did Jane spring this fancy-ass car from? Isn't the usual method to go for something old and nondescript that can be hot-wired, rather than something that probably has like inbuilt GPS or something? But ugh anyway poor Roman looks like a freaking mess. But come on, Jane, bringing him in on your own is a terrible idea. The moment he wakes he'll be like a frightened and cornered animal and just lash out. Aaaaand yep, there he goes, with the head-smashing and the almost-shooting. And then he literally goes, tossing himself out of the car. That was kinda cool, tbh. But sigh, Jane honey, mistrust is practically a part of his DNA, of course he's gonna flip out rn. I feel so sad for her though, she's literally always just trying to help and yet only ends up getting beaten and battered because of it (either physically or emotionally) and then abandoned. Ughhhhhh. 

Naw Readey baby. I'm so glad you're okay. And apparently enjoying the morphine buzz lol. And aww Zapata has been there watching over him and ugh this friendship is everything

Interesting that when Nas recaps the mission and the explosion to Weller, she doesn't mention that Reade suggested aborting when they lost a cell signal and she was the one decided to press on. Honestly rn I can't tell if her guilt over the dead agents is genuine or she's more upset that Shepherd both outsmarted her and got away. But of course Weller reassures her, because he supports his team no matter what. I just wish he hadn't placed his loyalty in her. Also I know Archie is a fantastic actress but I literally cannot stand the slow, pausing, breathy way she makes Nas speak. It just sounds so stilted and makes it difficult to actually focus on the scene. But I'm sure gonna try and focus because Weller has finally pulled his head out of his butt and is actually making protecting Jane a priority. (Hallelujah). Then he tells Nas they need to find her and she's all "I'm not hopeful"-- and yeah, I bet you're not, lady. You're probably hoping Jane DID die, so there's no one around to stop you manipulating Weller. But ugh the tears in Weller's voice... finally, boy, you're realising just how much you cannot lose Jane. And just bc I’m feeling magnanimous, here's a hint for that thick skull-- it's because you LOVE her, you idiot. Gawd. Anyway, Zapata is once again being cast in to the role of Team Anti-Jane, which is kinda freaking repetitive and annoying, but hey, the writers need to put other characters in opposition to Jane just to make Weller's support of her stand out all the stronger, making us ~love how he fights for her~ so we forget all the times this season he was a complete ass towards her. Like don't get me wrong, I love Jeller, and I actually also look forward to the moment that Zapata and Jane come through this with an even stronger friendship, because that's undoubtedly (or at least hopefully) what this is eventually leading to. But sigh, even though I can somewhat justify Zapata's behaviour as a result of her fear and trauma over the explosion and Reade's injury, I just wish her attitude towards Jane could be a little more nuanced and complex than the current GRRRR JANE'S THE VILLAIN HERE GRRRRR. And Nas doesn't bloody help by planting the suggestion that if Jane returns, it could just be to continue spying on them. Thanks, devil-lady. Next time I'll ask if I want your input. But aaaaaaaanyway, I'm gonna move on from that and instead cry a lil bit over "Jane was-- Jane is loyal." Oh, son. Took you long enough, you giant idiot. She just had to almost die for you to get there. And then ugh next thing we know Jane's being dragged into the bullpen and ughhhhhh "Please I just need to see if they're okay" aND UGH SHE LOVES THIS TEAM SO MUCH IT HURTS ME, she loves them even despite how poorly they've treated her lately (yes, they had ~some~ reasons, but seriously). And then ughhhhh Weller is charging over there like an enraged bull and I love that for a moment Jane doesn't know if he's angry at the guards or her but then he demands the cuffs to be taken off her and ughhhh she has a second of relief before she's apologizing over and over and desperately telling him that she didn't know-- bc lbr, from her past experience she would totally expect to be blamed for this, and she's not wrong (lookin' at you, Zapata and Nas). And then Weller PULLS HER IN FOR A HUG and she's all ??????? because whaaaat? Affection and reassurance?? What are these strange things?? But ugh the way her eyes close and she sinks into him for a second ughhhh I JUST WANT JANE TO FEEL SAFE AND LOVED AT ALL TIMES PLEASE. THIS IS ALL I WANT. But lol he tells her that they understand and there's a little camera cut to both Nas and Zapata who are very dubious as to whether they do understand and sigh I can practically read the rest of the season's theme in just this few seconds of footage. But anyway then ugh there’s Jane's distress when she sees that not all the team is there-- the terror that they might have been hurt and just ughhhhhhhhhh. Also thanks for that totally wooden-sounding line about Reade's surgery, Zapata. I’ve decided I'm going to  interpret the stiltedness of Audrey's normally flawless delivery as her not approving of her own character's attitude lol. But anyway Jane drops the Borden bombshell (naww, she says "he doesn't work for us", because she's on their side and always has been and ughhhhh) but anyway everyone has a collective "oh shit" moment as they realise Patterson and Borden are both AWOL. And then Jane brings up Roman and then has to explain what happened to her (that's right, guys, Shepherd planned to make her watch you die because she knew that YOU ARE ALL* (*minus Nas) JANE'S FAMILY AND LOSING YOU WOULD DESTROY HER. CAPICHE???  Ugh. But ugh Jane tells them everything Roman saving her and then about zipping him etc. And sighhh Zapata's got her angry pants and Jane-glare on yet again, but again I'm going to put it down to fear for her friend's life because that's the only way I can justify it without getting annoyed by it lol

Aaaaaahhhhh my baby Patterson. Waking up with your wound apparently fixed by the very man who shot you. Interesting that it seems (from the DWB thing) that he was officially trained in general practice/family medicine, and yet can also apparently do the job of a psychiatrist, AND perform surgery. Amazing. Such skills. Also okay I have to say some things bc I have such an issue with this bullet wound. Like people always seem to get shot in the abdomen in movies and shows (even like Jane did at the start of the season), and it's always all "oh it's okay, the bullet missed vital organs" but like uhhhmmm you know what fills up like the entire abdomen?? Bowel. You know what has a ton of blood supply that bleeds like mad, and also contains bacteria that can easily kill you if it gets into your bloodstream? Bowel. Ugh. And don't even get me started on how unsterile this whole environment is. But aaaanyway, it's tv and therefore she's totally fine and dandy rn, even magically managing to pull the IV from her arm with zero bleeding and disconnect the other end from the bag without it immediately gushing all over the floor. Maaaagic. Still, the fact that she's planning on strangling Borden with an IV line is pretty badass haha. Tbh the tubing would probably snap, but whatever. And then aaaaaaahhhh Shepherd is there and Borden tries to bargain for Patterson's life, even though all it achieves is torture rather than death. Welll.... you tried?

Meanwhile the team's still searching for Roman, and Weller comes into the lab where Zapata and Jane are already running a search, standing on opposite sides of the table. Mmm, symbolic. I wonder if they spoke at all?? Did Jane try yet again to explain herself, to beg forgiveness even though her crimes are long since paid for and now she has nothing at all she needs to be forgiven for? Sigh. But anyway, Zapata used her hacky skills to use Patterson's system to track Roman's phone. And finally he answers and is all ??!!!?????!, which is fair, and ugh my little crazy puppy is more like a little lost puppy at the moment. I kinda wish Jane had told him his name was Ian rather than Roman, tbh. But ah well. Then Roman gives very vague directions for where he is (seriously, man, you could be a lot more specific) and ugh he's just such a mess rn. He's actually literally like a puppy, and can’t concentrate on anything but the most basic of needs and sensations. Naw my baby

Ughhhh poor baby Patterson, suffering though both physical pain and emotional heartbreak. I had such high hopes for you two. And then ugh "everything I did was for my late wife" and lol Patterson and I have the exact same reaction: "just what every girl wants to hear" lol. Ugh, my poor baby. Borden truly seems a little unhinged rn, which is so sad. I miss my beautiful sweet cinammon roll of a man. I miss the Borden from our fics, the sweetheart who is as loyal to the team as any of them, who uses his training to help them and his empathy to support them. That Borden is long gone, now. But omg Patterson "Oh I'm sorry. Your side sounds really cool, so you should just go ahead and untie me, because I'm converted" lolll.  That’s my lil sassmaster. And then in the other room Shepherd’s finding out that Roman's been zipped and wow this show is really enjoying these dramatic sharp-closeup camera shots rn lol

Ugh Roman's exchange with the little girl. Slightly disturbing with the whole fork thing (though lbr I'm not a huge fan of kids messing with my stuff either lol) but kind of sweet in a sad way when he asks if he knows her. He's searching for any connection and is so saaaaad. And then all the 'hunters' (haha, get it? Coz they’re hunting him?) come in and wow that's a lot of practically identical looking dudes haha. It's like a camo print and baseball cap convention in here. And he gets the lady and the kid out but there are other customers in this place, what about them? You can see them in the background briefly but there’s never any screaming from terrified bystanders when the shooting starts lol. But ah well, mere details. Thankfully Jeller arrive in time to be part of the shootout, which ends when Roman stabs the guy who's shooting at them in the neck. Which is a lil vicious, maybe, but let's not forget Jane nearly choked a guy to death on her first day out of the bag. These two seriously have both survival instincts and protective instincts up the wazoo. Granted, him more on the former and her more on the latter, but still. 

Ugh and now Roman's cuffed in the interrogation room and Jane is upset about it and Zapata's like "Reade's injured bc of him" which is not entirely unreasonable since Roman WAS the one that got all the explosives and helped set up the trap, so....  but then Nas, in her usual manipulative way, supports Jane-- bc while she agrees Roman is ‘the enemy’, she still wants to use him and she knows a gentle approach is the best way to do that. Wow, snake-lady, Weller sure picked a winner for his rebound. Well done, my idiot son, I’m surprised she hasn’t bitten your head off during sex yet. But anyway speaking of idiots, now they're all telling Jane she has to lie to Roman about zipping him, because even though they vilified her for lying to them (when she did it to try to PROTECT them), they're suddenly fine and dandy with lying when it serves their own purpose. And yes, I can understand their perspective-- Roman might be their only way to save Patterson. But Jane lying to him now is eventually going to destroy anything she builds with him in the future. And my, my, doesn't this all sound familiar?? Then she goes in there and ugh my poor lil puppy is still so lost. And she promises that the team can help him like they helped her and tbh part of me is kinda dubious about that, especially the whole "they helped make me feel full again", given how they've treated her this season...  but at the same time it is also kinda true bc in S1 they gave her a purpose and a 'family', and at least in S2 so far she has still had the purpose part. Plus, she says 'helped', indicating that they weren't solely responsible for making her feel full again. I think a lot of that she did herself, just with assistance from Weller and the team and a little from Oscar and Roman and Oliver and basically anyone that she connected with even briefly. But still, the fact that she lies to someone she loves because the team made her is upsetting to me...

Speaking of upsetting, Shepherd's getting her torture on. Although honestly, as far as torture goes, this is pretty weak. All talk and no action, really. Like yes, a perforated eardrum hurts. But like Shepherd herself says, it does heal. Which was obviously what the writers were aiming for, because it's Patterson, and you can't permanently injure her or disfigure her since she's a series regular. But dude this torture is actually kind of embarrassing. People can perforate their eardrums just from cleaning their ears. Such a minor injury is hardly effective torture. And reinserting the needle in the same ear, trying to get her to suddenly break and talk? Completely pointless. If she was serious about torturing Patterson, she'd take an eye. Or smash her fingers, like she vaguely threatens to do but doesn’t ever get close to doing. Or if she wanted to keep her hands intact (ie, she wanted to use Patterson for her skills later) she could rip off fingernails or toenails. Cut off toes. Slice a bunch of cuts into her body. Break her legs. Poke her in her wound. There are literally so many ways to inflict pain on someone, and the fact that Shepherd supposedly chose this one only is just too ludicrous for me to believe. I mean c’mon, writers. As much as I would have hated seeing Patterson hurt, YOU chose to put her in that position, so you at least do it right...

Awwwww Roman's in the magic lie detector machine and he looks so sad and worried and Jane's there watching over him and ughhhh he just wants to help her and have her approval and ughhh my puppyyyy. Then Nas just ups and leaves partway through and Jane chases after her but Nas just shuts her down, then basically outright says that it's Jane's fault that they can't find Patterson. At least Weller hears that and very obviously dismisses Nas before reassuring Jane, clearly seeing how much she blames herself. And okay it's out of frame but from the way his body moves he definitely seems to put his hand on her upper arm and ugh FINALLY, BOY. FINALLY SUPPORTING HER IN THE WAY SHE DESERVES. And then as he walks off, Jane's left there all overwhelmed bc of guilt/worry over Patterson, the anger from the others, Kurt suddenly being on her side again (she's forgotten what that felt like, I bet), and also the fact that she now lied to Roman for no reason, since he wasn't able to help them find Patterson anyway. Sigh. I wish she had just gone back to the room and told him the truth right then, explained as best she could and apologised. Maybe it would have worked. 

Interesting that Weller sent Nas off like a good minute before he headed to the lab, but they both walked in at the same time. Did they have a conversation outside? Did she linger around the corner and listen in on  what he said to Jane? Or idk whatever lol, it’s tv. And so now we find out that Sandstorm has communicated in some kind of code that they need to crack, and one second Nas is all "oh shucks this is very complicated it might take weeks" and then the next she's suddenly like "wait look at that random book in this miraculously appearing photo, that could be the key to a book cypher!" Like wow, writers. You really didn't put much work into that one, did you? Like I understand there are time constraints involved with an episode but seriously that was just embarrassingly convenient. And then the ridiculous way Nas was all "okay so if we convert this and do that, it just might-- oh it worked!" Oh geez. C’mon. Give us a little credit here. On a brighter note, props to the other Laura (gypsyscarfwoman) who I believe noticed the book a few eps ago and commented on its possible significance given that it's the history of Rome and there's been strong Roman themes (hehe) in this season.      

Oh look who it is, Mr Director Man, my initial fave choice for the mole. Still disappointed about that, though lbr he's still being shady enough that he could still be up to something. Also wow is it midlife crisis time or something bc his haircut looks like that of a teenage boy who’s trying to get in with the 'in crowd' lol. But then he basically tells Nas to piss off and I instantly take back anything bad I ever said about him. Forgive me, Pelly. Your hair looks great and your suit is the most dapper of all. You are the bestest and I thank you for freeing me of Nas She-Demon Kamal and also for rightly ascribing (at least partial) blame to her for the deaths of those agents in the explosion. Now, if only Weller would shut up and stop trying to get her to stay, that would be great. Gotta say, it's really not fun to see him trying to protect her, bc it kinda lessens all the times he did the same for Jane. But whatevvvs, I'm terrific at only seeing what I want to see, so consider the Weller parts of this scene zipped from my memory lol

Great, we're back at the useless torture, and clearly Patterson is as impatient with it as I am lol. And daaaamn she's dropping some truth bombs about the lack of loyalty amongst Shepherd’s followers haha. But seriously if Shepherd lets THAT get to her, she's not the terrifying warlord she was made out to be lol

So they've cracked the code, brought in the chick that owns the garage at the listed location, and now they're making a whole lot of impossible threats (Gitmo? Really Tasha?) before she admits she provided a getaway car to Borden. A car that was fortunately VERY distinctive and able to be picked up on traffic cams. So handy.

Lol Shepherd is still in the midst of a tantrum and decides that Patterson has to die. Well, that was several hours wasted for nothing then haha. Borden convinces her to let him kill her, and I'm stunned to see that he's actually about to go ahead with it. Also shaking my head at the fact that the tourniquet is improperly positioned and not tight enough (though it appears to be wrapped around a fake bit of arm so whatever), and the fact that he inserts the wrong type of needle that shouldn't already be attached to a tube, plus he does it without palpating the vein, and seems to think he needs a whole bag of saline to prove that the vein is patent rather than just a quick 5ml flush. Sigh. But anyhow while he’s farting around, Patterson is doing such a good job of talking him out of it, and he admits that part of him loves her (*wails*). And then when he hears the team’s car he holds her hand for a sec and tells her goodbye and ugh dammit you two. We could have had it aaaaaaalllllll 

And so the cavalry has arrived but run into a bit of a bit of a dilemma of their own, the car flipping when they hit a damn landmine. The most shocking bit of the whole thing, though, is that Zapata jumps straight out from the back and runs to Jane's door, frantically asking if she's okay before calling Weller over to help free her. Is this a weirdly written backflip of her attitude or is this her real regard for Jane breaking through the anger that had been masking it? Personally I hope it's the latter, bc I've always liked to think that Zapata does care about Jane, and needs her, because right now she needs an outlet for all her negative emotions and (unhealthy as it is) she knows Jane will bear it, will be that proverbial punching bag for her because JANE knows she needs it (and knows that it isn't actually about her specifically at all). Hopefully it's a situation that doesn't last much longer as Zapata eventually finds better outlets (and apolgises her ass off to Jane). I just really need Zapata and Jane to be buds again. Sigh. But anyway ugh Weller pulls her out and they're clinging to each other for a sec until she sees Borden bolting for the trees and Weller takes off in pursuit. Really, son? It's like a bear trying to run down a cheetah. But sure, knock yourself out. Meanwhile I'm more excited to see the ladies save their other lady friend and ugh my precious babies. Even if Zapata and Jane are at odds rn, they can agree they both love Patterson and would do anything for her. #TeamBlindspotLadies

So somehow Weller caught up to Borden (I suppose it’s true cheetahs aren't great over long distances) and now they're getting into a punch-up, and while I can believe Borden probably got some martial arts training after joining Sandstorm-- possibly from Remi herself-- I still struggle to believe that he would ever win this fight. I did pause it at a hilarious spot just now though where there's just an upside down foot about to smack into Weller's face haha. And then Borden manages to cuff Weller's hand to his ankle, which is amusing but I definitely call bullshit, because anyone that’s been anywhere near handcuffs would know they would definitely not fit around a grown man's leg, especially not over his trousers. Not a chance. But whatever haha. And then ugh he says that Borden can't shoot him and he's all "not yet" and ugh remember when these two were buds?? Guys that would talk about sports during Weller's sessions but then Borden also always listened when he needed to talk about his dad or Taylor or whatever? I am so sad we lost that. Goddammit writers why couldn't you have just listened to me and made Pellington the mole. I guess I have to be thankful that at least it wasn’t Tasha... 

Noooo Pellington stay away from Roman!!! Stop hurting my baby pupppyyyyyy. Ugh and now there's the tears and the yelling and damn I am impressed with Luke Mitchell rn. He's absolutely killing it this ep. And then aaaaahhhhhh Pellington is gonna send him to the CIA to be tortured just like Jane and okay I take back all the nice things I said about you earlier, getting rid of Nas doesn;t make up for hurting my puppy. But ughhh Weller and Jane stand together against him, and then Weller threatens to quit if Roman is taken away (ugh the way Jane looks at him when he says that, just let me die right now). But I wonder if Weller’s threat is just because he knows Pellington doesn't want to have to find a replacement, or if he's starting to suspect that Pellington might have other reasons-- possibly Sandstormy reasons-- for wanting to keep him in that role??? And then ugh he argues to keep Nas, and while that initially bugged me earlier (I'm sure it's rather clear by now that I'm less than a fan of her, and especially of her thing with Weller), his language actually makes it clear that he wants her back because her needs her knowledge of Sandstorm, and doesn't think he can figure them out and catch them without her. And with that lightbulb moment, I'm back to being just a little less displeased with Weller. Not overly happy with how he's suggesting to use Jane and Roman's connection to get info, but then Pellington is pretty ruthless in his methods so Weller probably has to pretend to be that way too, even if he's planning on doing things differently. But dude, he is so setting himself up to be screwed over, and when that inevitably happens (*cough* when Nas betrays the team *cough*) Jane is the one that's gonna be there, picking his ass up off the ground. Because she loves him, and helping others is just what she does. Also ugh Jane with her hand on Roman's shoulder while he looks down at her... I can't even deal with these two.They are my babies and i love them

Firstly, I love Reade's apartment and I want it. Secondly, hmmm, a patient who had major vascular surgery going home the same day as he had his operation? Yeah, nope. Not ever. But again, tv land, so.... *shrugs*. The teasing Reade and sarcastically caring Zapata is so great until bam! the world's most unwanted kiss bursts awkwardly into the scene. Oh Gero. Gero, Gero, Gero. WHATREUDOIN. I seriously hope that this kiss-- and her reaction to it-- was just a way to get the "will they get together?" question completely out of the way by giving it a resounding no. Although lbr I don't trust the writers not to create a scene later where Zapata comes to Reade and is all "I was too scared to admit it to myself but I know now I'm desperately in love with you, let's ride off into the sunset together". Which would be THE WORST. Honestly like 99% of the time I am like YESSSS GIVE ME ALL THE ROMANCE but this has just never been a romantic ship to me. This has always been two people who love each other because they are BEST FRIENDS, regardless of the fact that they have different sets of genitals. And it's not just bc I want Reade and Sarah to find each other again, or to see Zapata fall for the 'forgetful terrorist' that she currently dislikes so much. It's because Zapata and Reade's friendship has always been one of the most beautiful and powerful parts of the show, and to imply that that kind of connection can only be had if you're also getting naked together... well that just pisses me off, because it cheapens the whole thing. So quit it, Gero. This is a ship that should never sail, okay???  Let's hope Zapata sticks to her guns and Reade realises that they never would have worked and they both just agree to forget it ever happened

Ughhhhh Jane bringing Roman food and reassuring him that it's all only temporary and then giving him the coooooin and ugh their haaaaaands and the "we'll figure it out together" and aaahhhhhhhh save meeeeeee

And then ughhh here's my next favourite brother-sister relationship, with Weller bringing sunflowers to Patterson who is talking adorably loudly and ugh he gets choked up as he gives them to her and he tries to encourage her to rest but lets her show him what she found anyway bc he knows she needs it and so she shows him the article about Borden's death-- or rather, Nigel's death (lol Nigel Thornton just makes me think of Nigel Thornberry. Smashing.) But ooooh that was clever by the writers--- this ep is titled "Nor I, Nigel, AKA leg in iron". Which could be interpreted as Nigel having his leg in irons, aka being trapped. Shackled. Like they're implying Borden was kind of 'chained' to Sandstorm, with no chance for freedom. Also she insults Borden's medical school which upon googling doesn't appear to be a real one, so that makes me wonder if Hardyshire is a name or a brand that one of the writers doesn't like or something haha, and it's their own little in-joke lol. Then she talks about the book code and he asks how she knows and she says “come on, I read the notes" which I do not understand? Which notes? And then Weller FINALLY gives her the phone belonging to the Sandstorm contact (still betting it was Remi) and lol after Patterson splutters about having "all of the questions" they easily decrypt it with the book key. And so they immediately find a video file (is there more on the phone or just that one file?? Will we see more next week?? It occurs to me now that I haven’t watched the promo yet lol). But yeah what is this leopard thing???? I always thought her neck seemed strangely uneven by just having the bird on one side. So I assume they scrapped the leopard tatt, right? Like didn't do it at all rather than it being in invisible ink or something. Which means that maybe Sandstorm thought it was somehow too revealing, like it could tie back to them somehow? Or maybe whatever the tatt was about is no longer an issue? Or something???? (also did you notice how well behaved I was just now and didn't make a single comment on Jane's great butt haha) 

So sandstorm is altering Phase 2 but Weller's role in it is still important. BUT WHAT IS ITTTTTT GERO JUST TELL US

Awwww nooo my baby Roman is having his first mempory, but it's an awful one (statistically, I guess that makes sense, given so much of his life has been awful). But ughhhhh idc if he was a terrorist before I just wanna give him a huggggggg

[wildflower8281]

#Lovethyself: An Exploration of Self-Love

In addition to being a guru on ‘saying no,’ I like to think I’m pretty well versed in self-love (they’re intricately linked anyway) and I intend to share here how I arrived to that and what that looks and feels like. I know “self-love” is a slightly annoying, trendy topic these days, but overall I think that’s probably a good start. I also don’t really like the corny sound of “self-love” but I have no cooler term, so go ahead and get over any initial distaste for the phrase and read this for the feel of it, which is what we’re going for here 😊 #lovethyself

Growing Up #Loved

Our little, malleable nervous systems, spirits and bodies learn love first from those people who cared for us during our first years of life, from birth to age 5. What it looks and feels like is basically imprinted in us from that time frame and it becomes the set point we return to, when we think about ourselves, and ultimately seek to love others. We learn & imprint so much about love and relationship in general from those first 5 years! (Nothing that cannot be overridden or unlearned if it wasn’t fantastic….it’s just good data, right?! #knowthyself) If you felt warm, heard, cuddled, nourished, held….you’ve got a pretty sweet and right on imprint. If you felt cold, scared, angry, hurt: I cannot & will not pretend to say that I understand, but I do know the human spirit is dynamic enough to create a new love story for your heart. This I know and fiercely believe.

I most definitely started out on 3rd base of the self-love department. Both my mom and dad were very present, loving parents. 

My mom is an abundantly affectionate, solicitous woman for whom being Mother is truly one of her most sacred callings. My dad was a faithful provider, who enjoyed playing with us, teaching us and making us laugh as we grew up. I remember both being around, I remember feeling utterly taken care of by them both, always feeling safe and feeling like they both just loved being with me. (This probably contributes to my “the world revolves around me” syndrome, but that’s another story!) I remember sweetness & laughter, but also boundaries that kept us safe. There have been numerous occasions in my life when I realized that I was somewhat resilient in a situation, and most of the time I look back and credit the unconditional love I was shown (and still am) by Mom and Dad – it gives one the feeling of always having safe ground to land on, always knowing you are safe and loved. While my parents later separated and divorced (when I was in college,) most of my young life was very happy, safe and peaceful – a blueprint for what I understood love to look, feel and sound like for me and as I learned to express it to others.

The Flip Side

So, if a person did not grow up in a loving environment, then their nervous systems, spirits, bodies and hearts have a different blueprint for what love feels, looks and sounds like. It may feel dark, empty, dramatic, angry, desperate, scared, heavy. It may sound negative, mean or simply silent. Bodies may feel tense, have pain, headaches or allergies – as the body holds onto feelings in unique ways in each person. There are as many blueprints for love as there are people. Even siblings have different blueprints because they have different temperaments and grow up at varying times in family life. I know that what is normal for some people is truly quite the opposite from what I personally lived. I also know that none of the things just mentioned above are what real, unconditional love looks, feels or sounds like. However, since it may be all someone knows, it’s what they think love looks, feels and sounds like. Also, none of this is to say that some parents/guardians were not doing the best they could with what they had. Some probably were, some probably weren’t. It’s also not to say that our stories, wherever they fall on the spectrum, are not to be honored. 

I am well aware that my experience is rare, unique and some might say very lucky. That’s why I feel my ultimate purpose in life is to love rightly & generously the people in my life. Receiving love, seeing it being given, feeling it is what I know from my life experience. I know what being unconditionally loved feels like. I know what being cared for feels like. I know what feeling safe feels like. And I want everyone to know what all of that feels, looks and sounds like. I believe that if you have that foundation (either from yourself or another,) you really can bring your best, most radiant badass self out into the world, doling out your gifts, conquering your fears, crafting your art, whatever you want! That kind of love shatters all the walls and slays the fears and allows one to move forward in the direction of their dreams.

#NunLife and #BodyImage

While I may have started out on 3rd base, that’s not to say that I was a master of self-love right away or even knew about it. In fact, entering the convent after college was probably the most opposite direction of self-love I could have gone – it’s kind of based on selfless service (insert crying/laughing emoji here!) And, as usual, despite my sarcasm and eye rolls about much of it, I truly am grateful for the extreme lifestyle experience the convent was because I know that without such an insane case of the opposite, I would not be such a staunch advocate and practioner of self-love and saying no now. 

(Funny nun pics are like party favors. This is real life. Roadtripping across the country in a caravan of nun-vans. Camping in Arches Park, Utah. It wasn’t all bad. Insane? Most. Bad? Nah.)

As nuns (and in orthodox catholic thought,) it’s heroic and virtuous to imitate

 Jesus and so, put yourself last, sacrifice what you want, think lowly of yourself and frequently recall that you are a sinner. So, whatever surges up naturally in your body, mind or heart is to be ignored and mistrusted. I am not exaggerating here. We literally were taught a concept called agere contra, which means in Latin, “to go against.” We were taught to apply this to all desires of the heart, mind and body….Right. Take a moment…. If we wanted a hot beverage, it would be virtuous to go get a cold glass of water or simply go without. If we wanted to sleep with an extra blanket, it would be virtuous not to and suffer the cold like Christ and the poor. If we wanted to ask for a break because we had a headache, it would be virtuous to carry the cross and keep working. Self-talk and behavior was always in the form of denial and recalling our status as sinners in need of penance or at least trying to be in solidarity with the poor Christ. We fasted regularly, regularly got insufficient sleep, some of us slept on boards of wood, took cold showers, always sat in the most uncomfortable place, never took the flavor we really wanted, etc. Yes, some crazy shit. So, 8 years of that was fun. Is it no wonder that now I’m basically the wild-child poster-child of doing whatever I want & treating myself and trying to get everyone I know to do the same?! We turned that shit right the fuck around real quick!!!!!! (It actually wasn’t real quick…there was some serious brainwashing that took and still takes a loooooooong time to override….those grooves were formed real deep in my brain and thought processes. Ask any of us who left and they will all agree how hard the mental game is post-convent…learning to “give yourself permission” to listen to yourself, what you want and need. Woa. Serious shit for another post.)

(Above: Girls group in East Harlem, 2009. Friday nites making pizza and playing games. Good times!)

So the convent would be considered my abnormal experience of not practicing self-love. However, I do have a more normal experience: as most girls, I went through phases with body image that weren’t healthy – mentally and physically. Most of those years were post-convent. What healed me of that was yoga and therapy. Yoga helped me to be gentle with my body, listen to her and feel all the things she was feeling. It taught me how to be with myself & accept myself, even when I felt different each day.  Therapy helped me change how I thought and re-introduced into my mind that it was ok to give myself what I needed or wanted. Since I had such a strong foundation already (early childhood love laid on thick and strong,) it only took a short time for both to work their magic and I was able to shake loose the demons of negative body talk and restrictive ideas and habits around food. Never to be seen again! Now I eat all the tortillas I want, gluten, sugar, all of it! 😊

Touch, Sound, Sight

Not that I know all the ways that self-love can feel, sound and look like. I don’t and never will, but I think I know enough to provide some examples.

What does self-love FEEL like? Gentle, soft, warm, safe, held, nourished, free, freedom. How you feel in a warm, cozy bed on a cold morning, in front of a bonfire on a cold nite, sinking into a hot bath, how you feel when you are doing your favorite thing, how you feel when your dog jumps all over you because he is so stoked that you’re home, how you feel when you cuddle with said dog on the couch or watch him run happily around the park or after a ball…All possible examples of what this type of love feels like.

What does self-love SOUND like? I am ok, I am safe, I am whole. I am loved. I did the best I could. It’s ok to not feel ok. It’s ok that I feel sad or upset. I’m ok even if I feel less than right now. Feelings are not me, they pass through me. I love my body, even though it’s not perfect – it allows me to think, create, walk, breathe, eat, etc. It’s ok when I don’t love my body. I accept how I feel right now and embrace me just how I am. Even if I don’t feel great about me right now, that’s ok too.

It also sounds like this: No, I don’t want to do that. No, I don’t want to take on that responsibility. No, that job does not light up my spirit. No, I don’t want to go out tonite and that’s ok. No, I don’t want to go to grad school. No, that person drains me.

Most of the time self-love sounds like your own inner voice and that is really the only voice that you need to tune into. Sometimes, though, it does come in the voice of another. So, if it feels like the Universe just pinged you through someone else’s words, listen to that because She did. 😊

For me, self-love sounds like: I am safe. I am whole. I am utterly loved by many people. Yes, I’m gonna buy that piece of art for my house because it lights me up!  I am healthy. I have an open heart. I am loving. I love my body and all that she does for me. I am a beautiful woman, I am an intuitive woman. That doesn’t feel right, so no. I’m not comfortable with that place, person, situation, so no. I do the best I can with the time I have. I am grateful for my body, mind and spirit. Yes, I want that cookie! Yes, I’m taking that trip! The Universe upholds me always and always ordains things for my highest good.

What does self-love LOOK like? This varies a lot because we each take comfort in different ways and enjoy different things. Whatever makes you feel good in ways that are uplifting to your body, mind & spirit is what self-love looks like for you. What brings you comfort almost immediately? What do you do in your free time? Do you love a certain park or café? Do you love cooking a particular meal or baking? Riding your bike, being near the ocean, sitting with some tea, painting, going for a long walk? Taking a day off?!

For me, self-love often looks like this: coffee & a book snuggled on my couch, sleeping in late, being in nature, movement of some kind, carving out time to write & journal, committing to an art class, making dates with my favorite people, cooking nourishing foods, taking a trip to Target, going to a café, buying ice cream, pan dulce & coffee, cookies & coffee, sharing my heart with my family and close friends.

(Pic from an amazing road trip to Montreal with my amazing sister, 2015. Can’t beat morning coffee time with sister!)

Does self-love only have to take place when I’m going through a hard time? No, and it shouldn’t! That’s like saying I should only eat healthy when I’m sick. Self-love is a lifestyle thang, friendies. Self-love is a daily thing. Self-love is how we talk to ourselves daily, how we craft our time daily and how we craft our lives to feel like, daily. Everything I listed above as what self-love looks and sounds like is actually what my life each day & week is mostly filled with. (Anyone who I work with knows that I eat chocolate cookies with my coffee on a daily basis! I also prioritize sweating my ass off for almost an hour every morning, so yea.) It doesn’t only look that way when I go through a tough time. Self-love habits build the foundation for when you are in a tough time, so you don’t fall so hard and you know exactly how to care for yourself, to bring you back to your self-love set point.

Can I love others well if I don’t love myself? I don’t really think so.

People who do not love themselves may do ok in the loving others department from the outside, but usually it’s way off balance. It’s in the form of self-sacrifice, being a doormat, people pleasing, giving without boundaries. It’s an unbalanced love that ultimately will run dry & at the end of the day, they do not feel loved or fulfilled by it. That’s a part of why I left the convent. It���s why religious life is a faulty system. One cannot give selflessly forever. They will die, in heart first, and ultimately in body. I’m lucky I got out alive 😉

Can I receive love well if I don’t love myself? I don’t really think so.

I’ve witnessed it a gazillion times. People who do not love themselves find receiving love an uncomfortable space to be in. It’s awkward, strange, unfamiliar territory for them and they don’t know how to respond and sometimes do not react well. It’s like speaking Russian to someone. It’s an unknown language. They don’t have the vocabulary to receive or respond – both of which I truly believe are learned by seeing it in action, so it’s no one’s fault if they’ve never been surrounded by that. Believe me, I am a lover and I’ve loved many a human on all the levels, and I find it fascinating how people respond or react to being loved. It speaks volumes of their early life. It doesn’t make me love less, it just gives me good, helpful data. I observe, read and take it as a gift to learn that person more. #psychnerd4life

Fin

So then, why self-love?

1.)   Because you deserve it. If that doesn’t feel right, then just start there.

2.)   Because it feels great!

3.)   Because the thoughts and energy we put out into the world are what we attract. If we think we are beautiful and loveable and amazing, we will attract those vibes even more to us.

4.)   And, well, because we simply cannot give what we don’t have, yo! #Lovethyself so that you’ll be able to bring your most radiant, rad self into the world!

So, ultimately, I wrote this to put out into the interwebs some tangible examples of what self-love looks, sounds and feels like because, as someone who has live surrounded by love most of my life, I feel some kind of responsibility to spread that and share that. I try to live that out, but today I felt led to write about it. My heart hurts for friends and humans who have not felt real love for most or even some of their lives, and especially from their parents or first caregivers, and if my love or my words in any way can ease that, heal something, or shed light, then that is a part of why I write. If not, then at least I listened to my inner voice and did what I wanted to do today, which was to write! 😊 It felt good to write, to share and reflect. Just for me. And that’s enough and that’s ok.

As always, thank you for reading <3!