#triggering content in BL

[absolutebl]

When it comes to problematic content in QL, everyone has different tolerance levels, and different definitions for it. For you personally, how much is too much? And given that some of your faves/constant rewatches may not have aged well, do you adjust your tolerance as you go, do you just ignore it/tune it out, or do you watch, cringe, and carry on? Does problematic content make you lose love for something with time?

Hum, complex question.

I guess it's usually context and origin for me. Like I forgive Japan stuff I won't take from Thailand because it's... Japan, kinky and boundary pushing is what they do. I don't always like it, but I will usually watch it. I understand their POV and style. And more importantly, so do they.

Certainly that has to do with how well established Japan is both in BL and as a film industry. But there's something more going on. They usually have something to say when they trigger, something thoughtful and provoking about culture, or queerness, or the BL genre.

Where as Thailand doing something similar will come off as clumsy and puerile, like they are teens who don't know any better and are just poking at their audience to see what kind of reaction they get. Or worse, don't even realize when they make a misstep - they just needed it for plot or are executing a tired trope.

I want finesse with my abuse!

I don't mind being manipulated, but I can't catch it in the act. I need to notice it after, and then I make tiny clapping noises.

For me too much is often when it's too predictable in the wrong way, or when it's poorly executed. Like rape just for a plot point. Or lack of consent when it makes no sense for either character or story arc.

I don't like it when poor writing hits me up side the head. Like (and I will harp on this forever) did he have to steal that key and break into his hotel room? Did we all have to overlook it and think, for some reason, that was okay? It wasn't necessary for the plot. It was lazy writing.

I hate lazy writing.

I'd rather bad writing.

How do I put this?

If Japan had done that, it would have been some weird creepy edgy stalker aspect to the seme's character and it would have been purposeful. The dirtiness of it would have been part of characterization. Undies would have been stolen. The lens would have told us to find it off-putting. It would have been done with intent.

Thailand's lens often makes bad/stalker/creep behavior seem normal or acceptable.

If Japan reads your private journal we, the audience, will all know how gross that feels. The grossness will be part of the creepy kinky plot. If Thailand does it... it's just passed over as fine. Or worse, romantic.

Japan does its violations with intent. Because they like the edge. They want to make us a little bit uncomfortable... at all times.

Thailand does it with a blunt butter knife and expects us to overlook a character flaw.

Back to your question...

So given it's a BL producing country that I know is clumsy about this (like Thailand) sometimes I notice and get annoyed, and sometimes I sigh and it doesn't bother me. Often that has to do with my mood. Sometimes it's the chaos of the show. Like with say Pit Babe, or The Sign, eventually I'm just overwhelmed by the absurd crazy of it all. Probably because they clearly aren't taking themselves seriously, the whole darn show: cast, crew, production, everybody.

Sometimes the violation in question is simply not a trigger for me so I don't mind.

Sometimes it reads as a kink and then I kinda like it (Taiwan will do this a lot).

Sometimes I don't even notice.

Yes, certainly I have dropped show or moved on from rewatching older stuff because now it bothered me, where once it did not (cough cough TharnType).

But others I still understand (if not love) because they say something about the time they were made and what the genre was then, like Takumi-kun.

Some stuff I loved so much when it first aired and still love with such nostalgia that I don't really see its flaws. UWMA is likely one of those. It's always great to me, even on rewatch, even after 810 other shows.

But I think UWMA might not be great to someone who started watching BL in 2022 or comes to the genre out of Korean BL, for example.

Does problematic content make you lose love for something with time?

Sometimes but not always.

It's all in the nuance, I guess. Mine, what I bring to the show, my willingness to understand its origin and forgive it its sins, but also the show's nuance and its execution of story.

(source)

[stuff-diary]

The Paradise of Thorns

Movies watched in 2025

The Paradise of Thorns (2024, Thailand)

Director: Boss Kuno

Writers: Boss Kuno, Naron Cherdsoongnern & Karakade Norasethaporn

Mini-review:

I hadn't even heard of this movie before today, but damn, that was one crazy ride. The story throws a heartbreaking twist at you almost right away, and then descends into this messy, soapy chaos that's supremely enjoyable. (Things get pretty dark, especially during the final act, so better check out some content warnings). Tbh, I wonder if the movie would work as well without the fantastic cast that breathes life into these characters; Jeff Satur, Engfa Waraha and Srida Puapimol turn in truly unforgettable performances. The cinematography is beautiful too, and the main set is perfectly designed, giving off a lived-in vibe. I feel like The Paradise of Thorns might be too much for some people, but I can say it was right up my alley.

[pedgito]

𝐂𝐑𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 | Logan Howlett x reader

↝ masterlist | requests? | ao3 | update blog | fic rec | ko-fi

summary | with no threshold for pain, logan finds that losing control with you is easier, triggering a thirst that is insatiable.

author's note | um.......yeah idk. i have no excuse and while i still write predominately for pedge boys i had to. i couldn't help it. am i sorry? no. is this insane? a little. special thanks to @ovaryacted, @pr0ximamidnight & @wannab-urs for being the best and reading this over

content warning | 18+ smut, written with x-men (2000)!logan in mind, mutant!reader, established relationship, hand kink (and sensitivity), pain kink, blood kink, unprotected p in v, oral (f receiving), exchange of bodily fluids (yes its bl*od), mentions of exhibitionism, also kinda body worship, this turned out way kinkier than it was supposed to be

word count —2.2k

Logan was never soft, but he’s learned to smooth out his sharp edges for you.

And while he was never shy, he wasn’t always open about his claws slipping out near climax when things got a little too out of control or his mind would slip, bordering into that animalistic ferocity he sometimes drifted into when he was more desperate.

Just a touch, a lick, a press of his skin against yours and he’d haul you onto whatever surface was close by and rail you into a near amnesic state of consciousness. It made you feel like you were floating, allowing his superhuman strength to lift you up and off to bed, spending most of those nights in his room rather than your own.

You weren’t a thing, it had never been established. But, Logan has grown comfortable, familiar, and he was appreciative of it, even if he didn’t show it. It came with the kisses when you slipped into his room after heavy training evenings or a night where he just needed some entertainment, something to keep him occupied. 

He liked your company even if it was never spoken aloud. 

The signs came when you would scoot away on the couch to give him space when you both would drift into meaningless conversation that would in turn mold into you, in his lap after a soft tug and a complacent smirk on his face.

You’ve grown fond of him, his wittiness and unrestrained personality that was often subdued under a dark, brooding facade, his body too—strong, chiseled arms and a well-defined chest. He was big, everywhere. All-consuming and just bordering on the edge of too much. But, it was his hands that really pulled you in.

Thumbs pressing beyond swollen lips as you run the surface of your tongue against his skin, an aid to muffle the whimpers that slip beyond your lips when you’re trying to be quiet—when Logan needs you quiet, teetering on a dangerous line of exhibitionism if you keep it up.

Or the length of his hands squeezing against your hips, pulling you back to meet his thighs as his cock spears you open, his palm often finding on your lower back as he presses you further into the mattress, ass angled up as best you could manage when he was rutting himself into you like he was in heat—gruff, wet pants of a gradually building high against your skin that drove you wild. 

His claws have slipped out a few times—your headboard remained the proof as he’d rid himself of his own long ago, deep but thick holes in the wood that you’re almost positive continued into the drywall. He’s ruined a pillow or two, but there was a surge of excitement that came along with it. 

The sound of them as they slip beyond his skin, not even the slightest grimace on his face as it happens, ultimately taken by his pleasure in overdrive, the action always registers half a second too late.

 Thankfully, you’ve come to sense it well.

You always know just where to touch—what drives him wild and extracts the feral nature in him and what softens his steely regard. Touches along his jaw pull him in, lips pressing against the spot on you mirroring your fingers on him. 

Sometimes it’s nails digging into his indestructible skin, irritated and swollen marks that would fade as quickly as they appeared, no use in drawing blood as it never spilled.

But, the soft and intriguing sounds that slip as you run your fingers along his forearm are something you take note of over time—occasionally just a tickle that he shrugs away with a soft chuckle, slipping his hand between your bodies to play with your clit, leaving him just out of reach as he circles that sensitive bundle of nerves, urging your eyes to stay on him, with him.

He’s always good at talking you through, gentle words of encouragement married with tight, guttural groans as his cock sinks into you, a hand at your thigh to keep you spread open, his gaze always wandering down to marvel at the sight of you and him and you take him so well—he’s told you a million times over by now.

Occasionally his hands will make a slow crawl to your shoulders or your neck, curling around the muscle and cradling you, like an anchor for himself. Your own fingers spread over his grip, right along the ridge of his knuckles. 

At first he tensed, his hands slipping away in a hurry to grip another part of your body, lower, deeper—disconnecting helped and even if he had learned to control the urge to a degree, there was always a chance.

Logan wasn’t oblivious to your own regenerative healing—not entirely indestructible, although the lack of pain receptors made you a viable asset for a plethora of things but being on the other end of a spar with him was still nothing to take lightly, a man of challenge himself, you weren’t leaving that fight without a couple knicks and cuts even though as soon as they appeared, they were then non-existent.

Physically, you were a challenge, nothing for people to underestimate. The perfect torture device, the ideal punching bag. You've learned to subdue the emotion and the mental toll it took, but with Logan, there was an openness to be vulnerable, knowing that you needed the pain just as much as it often displeased you.

Where Logan fears worry and shame, you find the care and curiosity in soothing the spots where his claws tear through, a gentle squeeze of your fingers in the spaces between his knuckles, a kiss to each one and down his wrist, a show of affection while your eyes never leave his own.

Sometimes you did it absently, on the couch while you both drifted to sleep after a long day or during a movie that you’ve thrown on to distract Logan from his own mind—some days he just needed you around in whatever form you had to offer.

There wasn’t a single part of him you didn’t admire and one night, like tonight, things reach culmination and Logan slips.

—

His mouth waters at the sight of you on your back, pussy on full display and your thighs spread wide under his grip as his cock sinks deep and pulls out, right to the tip before he’s drilling himself back inside of you, fingers twisting into the sheets so hard they often rip, eyes drifting close as your head keens back in overwhelming pleasure.

“Bub, eyes on me,” Logan coaxes, his fingers curling around the top of your thighs as they squeeze, keeping you apart and open, pliant under his touch, “keep ‘em on me.”

He hips still, waiting, watching—you peek your eyes open with a shy smile that is met with a smirk, his eyes brimming with warmth, nodding as you listen.

 “Right there, that’s good.”

You roll your eyes fondly, a flutter of your lashes as he pushes inside of you unexpectedly, a sharp and wild snap of his hips that pulls a surprised gasp from your chest, squeezing instinctively around him in response—again and again as your thighs press further and further in until he’s nearly at your chest, his knuckles grazing the underside of your breasts and you beg, tongue wetting your bottom lip as you speak.

“Don’t—please don’t hold back,” you plead—to some degree, he always did, shared mutant powers aside there was always a deep need in Logan’s psyche to protect and inadvertently to shield, “all of it—want all of you.”

As to seal the words with truth, your fingers slide over his hands gripped tightly at your thighs, keeping them still as your feet curl around the back of his thighs and pull him in. Deeper, tighter. Logan chuckles at the motion, almost taunting. There was a sensitivity to the spot where his claws pushed through, a warning of what was to come and like all the other softer, more receptive parts of him, the touch surges a sense of hot, angry need through his entire body.

Easy, his eyes read.

“I like it,” you admit with a gentle swirl of your hips to bring him back, followed by the slow angle and snap in response, “—lose control a little, Logan. Let it out.”

“That part of me—“ Logan begs, but there’s a quiet noise of disapproval from you, your eyes softer as you admire him.

“Is part of you,” you remind him, “and I—“ like an absolute menace, he penetrates hard, rubbing the sensitive swell of muscle inside of you that makes you dizzy, “fuck—I don’t need you to hide yourself.”

Logan goes quiet, contemplating but observant as his hands squeeze against the sound of surprise you make as he grazes your g-spot, a fist pressing against his groin that flattens out into your palm, feeling the flex of his muscles as he works himself inside of you.

“I wanna feel it, I need it to hurt,” You beg, his brows drawing in—pensive for a half-second before you can see the flip of a switch in his head, “you can lose control with me, Logan.”

He practically vibrates as the growl emits from his chest, watching his hands squeeze impossibly tighter before his claws are our, unsheathed before you and you can’t help but smile, a millimeter from splicing through skin that could never keep the memory of it and you run your finger along the base, the slight flicker of discomfort in his face that fades as you began to move against him again.

There was something about pain, that stinging feeling of a wound as the adamantium sliced through you, along the swell of your ribs and breasts, a trickle of blood falling from the cut before it disappeared—and instinctively, Logan’s hand settle away as he leans in and swipes the blood away with his tongue, eyes locked on your own and you quiver, mouth opening in a silent gasp.

He moans at the taste, your teeth sinking into your bottom lip at the action and to make matters worse, he speaks, blood on his tongue and teeth, “M’pretty sure she tastes even sweeter.”

His eyes flick toward your cunt, a whimper in protest at the loss of his cock as he slips out of you and sinks to his stomach in one fluid motion, his slick covered cock ruining your sheets as he drives his tongue inside of you, nose pressed against your clit as he satisfies the loss of him with more, claws dragging dangerously close to your hips, the tips of his claws pressing into the skin.

His tongue drags up to you clit, lapping up the mix of sweet slick and his own, your hands pressing over top of his to force the sharp edge deeper, slicing through your skin until you feel yourself on the verge of passing out, a small pool of blood gathering at your pelvis.

Your own fingers drag through the thick crimson, spreading it over his waiting mouth as he grins, a perfect picture of greed and pleasure as he dives back into your cunt, a hurried and overwhelming pace against your clit driving you over the edge within seconds, your orgasm crashing toward you far faster than you’re expecting as you cry out, hips lifting from the bed but not without a fight, Logan’s grip pressing you down into mattress to clean you up.

All of you.

He rises with a grin, brutish but charming as he kisses you, tasting yourself on him as your own blood smears your lips, giggling softly into his mouth.

“Inside,” Logan already knows, fist curling around his cock as he slips back inside of you, “—oh fuck, Lo—“

“Greedy girl,” He admonishes amorously and returns his hurried pace, claws sinking into your pillows and mattress, a sorry that would come later for the action but you needed him now, “gonna let me fill you full, huh?”

You nod jerkily, forehead pressed tight against his own as he huffs into your open mouth, a mingling of sacred noises between each other as his hips falter, a broken gasp falling from his lips as he snaps his hips once before he’s buried to the hilt, coming deep inside you cunt.

His claws retract synonymous with his climax as he settles against his now bare fists before he’s falling onto his back with a huff, looking like a fucked-out mess with his hair even more askew than it always it, blood drying at the corner of his mouth as you roll onto your stomach and grab for his hand, pressing a kiss to each knuckle with a soft smile, figuring you must be quiet the sight yourself.

“You have to stop worrying, Logan,” you remind him gently, dropping his hand to move closer, his arm extending and pressing against your back as you curl into him, your fingers tracing along his jaw as you speak to him, “that you’re going to scare me away.”

“You still have time to run,” He jokes lightly, but there’s a tinge of sadness to his tone and you shake your head with a quickly developing smirk.

“Only if you’re chasing after me,” You challenge, leaning forward to nip at his jaw, surprised when he returns the action as he buries his pith against your throat, rolling you onto your back with a laugh that bursts from your chest.

“That can be arranged, bub,” He promises, nosing himself into the sensitive spot behind your ear, “I’d sniff you out in seconds, anyways.”

-

divider creds: @saradika-graphics

[pawberri]

do you have any bl recs? i kind of denied myself any of that stuff early into my transition as a trans man (in the tumblr "all bl is fetishization" dark ages AND the ocd pits.) i was so scared of accidentally "fetishizing" my own sexuality i didn't read ANY stuff that was remotely gay. now i kind of want to know what's out there as far as bl + catch up on what i missed a little, so to speak.

So many boys have missed out on the most transmasc art form due to this... so sad... go and be free

Good starter stuff maybe (check TWs for DMMD)

My favorite stuff

But these ones have more trigger warnings and more caveats in terms of content

[pinkkop]

This week's recap is brought to you by tumblr's "Potentially Mature" content label which seems to have no concept of what might actually be mature because apparently Prod gushing to Hem about his confession fits within that category🙄

QL Recap for Week 18

The 28th of April to the 4th of May

🇹🇭 Pit babe 2

Episode 1 of 13 || Watching on: iQiYi, Friday

We are so back!! And we certainly started off with a bang (literally) and I'm so ready for this season. It's good to know that Babe still absolute loves getting railed and Charlie is up for the challenge. Surprisingly I'm most excited for Sonic and North. The awkwardness in their first interaction was immaculate and was just the perfect setup for their story. Lets make a prayer circle for someone to get pregnant at some point during this season 🕯️🕯️🕯️

🇹🇭 My Stubborn

Episode 3 of 12 || Watching on: iQiYi, Sunday

Seems like Sorn has been down bad for a long while! The plot thickens!! They're absolute idiots and this is going to become such a mess but I am absolutely loving this. Loved the conversation about top vs bottom, even though we still need a little bit more nuance, we've come a long way with this topic. Also the NC scenes are still absolute fire as I was hoping they would be.

🇹🇭 Lost in the Woods

Episode 7 of 7 || Watching on: Gagaoolala, Wednesday

Oh this show was special! I loved the slow burn and the characters. It just left me feeling fulfilled and like I'd witnessed something special. It felt fresh and gentle and warm and kind and I'll carry this show with me for a long time. It's definitely on the 180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us spectrum of BL so if your idea of what a BL is is very narrow you might not like this show. Definitely going to try and make a final post about this show but I'm going to have to let it simmer a bit in my mind before I can find all the right words to articulate why I liked this so much.

🇹🇭 The Next Prince

Episode 1 of 14 || Watching on: iQiYi, Saturday

This was a promising start. I loved the soundtrack and Nunew and Zee are talented as always. I am finding it a little hard not to judge the show a little bit because we know how expensive it was to make, which is also obvious from the sets, clothing etc. This does, however, mean that when a scene is meant to be set at a uni party in London and all the actors have questionable accents and English abilities I don't feel as forgiving as I might normally. I just wish they'd spent a little more time and money on that. I know we're probably not going to see any of those characters again but still. I'm hoping I'll be able to kinda forget the production cost as we go along and get completely immersed in the show but I'm not there yet.

🇹🇭 The Bangkok Boy

Episode 2 of 12 || Watching on: Gagaoolala, Saturday

It's crazy that our leads haven't even really met yet and it's ep 2. It makes me intrigued for how this show is going to unfold because it's so atypical for BLs. Really like the acting of the show and the concept, though it definitely is a show that so far has needed a trigger warning for both episodes. It seems like the mafia plot is going to take the front seat so I might have to go back and watch some of the scenes again so I can get all the expositions.

🇹🇭 Boys in Love

Episode 3 of 12 || Watching on: Youtube, Sunday

They're really cute and I do like all the student characters and interactions and how the relationships are evolving but this show feels kinda like we're bumbling along with no real road map which is a pity. I also don't think the kids taking the camera felt like just teasing. Papang's character was very distraught and the kids saw that so it feels more like bullying to me.

🇹🇭 My Golden Blood

Episode 8 of 12 || Watching on: Youtube, Wednesday

Spent most of my time during this episode not being able to take the show seriously and making jokes about possible connections to Twilight, which I think describes my experience watching this show well. There are just so many other better shows airing right now and this show just doesn't have me hooked.

🇹🇭 I'm Your Moon

Episode 8 of 8 || Watching on: iQiYi, Sunday

I guess that's one way of getting out your arranged marriage: getting shipwrecked and then stranded in France where you stay until your fiance moves on to a different arranged marriage. This show was very much a pulp but I find that easier to deal with because it leaned in the lakorn direction with a lot of drama. It's not necessarily a good show but it's also not a bad show but I think the fact that I watched it until end does speak volumes.

🇹🇼 Fight for You

Episode 7 of 12 || Watching on: Gagaoolala, Friday

This show is certainly happening. Like it's not really good but also not really bad. If this suddenly doesn't show up in future weekly recaps I hope you won't miss it. Honestly, seeing that we're only on ep 7 of 12 makes me tired.

That's it for this week!!

For links and airing schedule check out World of BL (Only for BLs)

[locksnrocks]

Secret Relationships Show vs. Manhwa - how the main four differ

Spoilers for both!

I made a grave error and decided to start the manhwa last night. binged it all straight to 4 am aaaaaaa

Daon: Show Daon- reserved, soft spoken but not a doormat. Obviously carrying internal trauma brought on by an irresponsible family (but sympathetic, at least Da-Suel was in the show) + his two obsessive "suitors" manipulating everything in his life. We see the breakdown and his "I don't deserve to love or be loved" mindset - but holy shirtballz is Manhwa Daon in his own league. That boy is deeply, deeply unwell (I say 80% Jaemin's fault 20% his family- his family is straight up pathetic in the source material. Like, that's their role, even his sister- just pathetic people and I really did not empathize with them). M!Daon just makes seemingly bad decisions one right after the other- and you catch yourself saying 'girl just run' multiple times, and 'didn't your mother ever teach you- oh that's right, your parents didn't teach you crap because your entire family is pathetic- the parents especially'. This dude just did not have a chance. That's a source of reader frustration from what I saw in other comments ('oh he just sleeps around, what an idiot, he causes all this himself, etc.' - which, alright, but guess who hates Daon the most? Daon. He straight up states these criticisms of himself plainly - he warned Seong exactly what was going down), but like, of course he is like that- do you not see what he has been dealing with because!!!! hot damn, Jaemin what the hell

Jaemin: Show Jaemin - great acting, unhinged, wow what an escalation, he's the real danger, what a manipulative person. BUT MANWHA JAEMIN???? Every single thing/action that happens to/about Daon can have the tagline "and then Jaemin ruined it." The Creep factor is up'd to 200% - like heavy breathing 'he's in your walls' levels. There's something so utterly... pathetic + legitimately dangerous about M!Jaemin. If Daon stayed at that vacation house with him any longer, we may have gotten the show's wedding themed murder/suicide and not a single soul who read the webcomic would be surprised. I kept waiting for it because Jaemin pulling that seemed like such a natural next step for him to take.

The line "I can't wait for you to grow up and be an adult" <- some variation of it, can't remember the exact quote - Jaemin to/about Daon during a flashback with exactly the negative connotation you can associate with this particular sentiment is used. Hggn. There's more to say about him but I can't organize it all

Soohyun: Show Soohyun - hair trigger temper (great acting), the frustration is boiling over, impulsive, uses fear to get his way (and if there's remorse later, the lack of emotional regulation ensures that it is forgotten), does have a form of redemption in the end, a genuinely incompetent Director. Manhwa Soohyun - the temper is there, but the character is waaaaay more calm with interactions, snarky rather than mean, calculating, no involvement with Daon's workplace, clocked what Jaemin was doing almost immediately, he and Daon I think hook up the most consistently (and yes, it happens when Soohyun and Jaemin are fake dating but good grief I just can't be a "wow Daon is trash see he knowingly slept with Soohyun while Soo is dating Jaemin" because girl, wut - they have a stage during college (?) where they are pretty much dating without ever verbalizing it (and then Jaemin ruined it) because no one verbalizes anything when it comes to honest to goodness feelings beyond a trembling confession that you know is going to be pummeled into the ground - which I recognize is a plot point since communication would cause every drama ever to go from multi episodes to about 5 min of content.

Honestly, since my moral compass is not built on the morality/ethics of bl series, I can comfortably say that I was rooting for both Soohyun and/or Seong simultaneously. Either of them over Jaemin. At least exactly why Soohyun agreed to the contrived 'fake date' plan is marginally better explored in the manhwa. He also legit strikes Daon (past) + chokes him (present)- again, his temper is a very real factor, it's just not as outwardly explosive as in the show. Daon has genuine fear of Soohyun hurting Seong/himself in present time. Both versions of Soohyun are royally screwed over by Jaemin's manipulations, but M!Soohyun had the attitude of "I'm going abroad now, so Jaemin better shoot his shot while I'm gone because once I'm back, I will go all in." By the end, his 'redemption arc' is legit "I have no regrets. You better erase me from your mind entirely." and he goes back abroad to be with his family (his mother's religious but his family is not 'point a gun at him' terrible from what I could tell - he actually wanted to introduce Daon to them at one point). That 'erase me' bit just convinced me that if Soohyun had not removed himself, he (and Daon) knew full well that they would slide right on back to each other eventually. Heck, Seong probably knew it, too.

Speaking of Seong and the many, many 'poly is the answer' lines the show spawned - the real throuple that could have been??? Soohyun x Daon x Seong. Right at the end of the manhwa - legit if Soohyun didn't back down, with how Seong was written and how Daon was written, if Soohyun pushed and Daon caved, I could see Seong eventually settling at 'if this is what it takes to have (a chance with) you, then I will accept this' to be with Daon. Because he already had nearly the exact same sentiment earlier.

Seonghyeon: Show Seong - so gosh darn earnest and charming, clingy in an endearing (but a bit boundary stomping) way, a flawed real human with flawed reactions but I can't hold it against him because this situation is not normal, not a lunatic but has a bit of emotional manipulation going on, but again, he's human. Manhwa Seong - yes to all that, but I propose that while Jaemin and Soohyun where displaying black/red flags consistently, Seong had his own brand of obsession going on. He's not clued in immediately, but he does get a picture of what is going down, especially once he meets Jaemin. And armed with this information + a Daon who is pretty transparent ("You say you like me and I like you. But I also like Jaemin, who I confessed to and he rejected me. But those feelings are still here. Also, Soohyun is here now and we are hooking up and probably will continue to do so as I don't have much agency in that matter. I am a terrible person. It would be better for you to not pursue me." - wildly paraphrased and condensed, but you get the gist). And Seong, armed with all this information, ultimately takes the approach of Patience. Like, he is going to outwait the other two lunatics - he will wait for Daon to sort through the absolute crapshoot that is his life, work through whatever that is with Jaemin, sprinkle in a tiny bit of cold-shouldering here and there, a drunken kiss or two. And even once Daon makes the definitive choice and goes to Seong over Jaemin, that whole "Don't turn around" scene!! If it was Jaemin in the background making whatever expression that Seong acknowledge would cause Daon to waver, Seong still may have come out on top. But if it was Soohyun? Seong might not. Again, the throuple that could have been...!

Reading the manhwa in it's entirety till 4 am really made me appreciate the show. They hit a lot of the narrative beats and did it with style. I can see why tweaks to the characters were made, particularly Soohyun, as having his temper so prominent rather than the 'hidden under the surface' approach of M!Soohyun would make it harder to move things along, especially since Jaemin already checks off the subtle background manipulation thing.

poly could have saved Show dudes and/or made the whole thing messier but we all would have enjoyed the ride lol

no amount of poly would have saved M!Jaemin, do you know why?? because he ruins things.

[bengiyo]

Knock Knock Boys Ep 4 Stray Thoughts

Last week, the boys all went to the onsen to try to bond with Jumper, to mixed results. Almond also remains perhaps more focused on Latte than Jumper because he’s so nervous, and is determined to figure out if Latte has a birthmark on his dick. Thanwa and Peak have been vibing pretty hard, and I’m into it. Thanwa has asked Peak to help him with his job applications, and Peak wants to learn how to better enjoy food. Almond also followed Latte and Lukpeach to the sex toy store and completely misunderstood what was going on. I’m currently suspicious about Thanwa’s financial situation.

As a note, @babyangelsky warned us about extreme toilet humor between 41:30 and 42:33.

I am really enjoying these cold opens to the potential end of the episode. It’s compelling every time.

I feel like we have been in this BL house before. The porch looks familiar.

Latte remains a tease and I love it.

Wouldn’t be a proper foodie if there wasn’t a special story attached to his favorite dish.

Now why did he feed that man like that?

I went to a school with corporal punishment. I’m always surprised when I see it in Thai colleges.

I really don’t want to be disappointed in Jumper lately. I am having fun with the way it feels like he’s flirting with Peak.

Fellas, is it gay to stare into each other’s eyes and search each other’s souls while holding a computer mouse together?

Thanwa’s friend looks like a Pokémon trainer.

Oh, I don’t like this guy promising compensation as he leaves a bill to Thanwa.

I’ve not vibed with a lot of BL choices this year, but I’m glad we’re getting more sexual health PSAs in the shows lately.

I think it’s very good to give Almond condoms. I get the sense he’d be nervous about getting his own.

Almond, why are you so pressed about Lukpeach if you ain’t tryina smash.

Did Seng teach Nokia how to smile like a dork?

Yes, bring Lukpeach to the party. She needs to know that this is not just two college boys on a romance track. There’s a whole house of boys.

Small things that this show earns is Thanwa being the primary cook of the household. He doesn’t come off as bossy when he’s asking Almond to go get stuff from the kitchen while he works on other food prep. It feels natural.

Oh ho! We’ve reached the cold open around the middle.

Now, Latte, don’t get jealous of a moment you helped create.

How old are we? 7 minutes in heaven?? At least they played that well right out the gate.

A game about going into closets together to see what might happen. These jokes write themselves.

Oh no. I am close to the trigger warning. This is about to be the worst scatological humor I’ve been subjected to by Thai BL. I can feel it.

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! THIS IS SO GROSS!!!!

Girls….I am disgusted… Trust the warning. Props to Pak, Nokia, and Jaonine for playing that all the way through, but I don’t need to see that ever again.

What the hell is going on in that closet though??

I just know it’s hot as hell in this closet.

I appreciate this show giving me some kisses after that vomit scene. It’s what I deserve.

Okay, I really like this apology and reestablishment of consensual boundaries. Excellent kiss the homies content.

Welcome back, Jane. I hope you give us some answers next week.

This show is really assured, and I’m having a great time with it. I really love when a show has two couples and has them on similarly-paced advancement tracks. It offers up a lot of fun comparison. It’s clear at this point that Almond and Latte like being around each other, and Latte is becoming jealous of Almond’s interest in Jumper. It also works that Thanwa was the one to have kissed Peak already and has been waiting for him to sort it out. That was a really excellent episode. Having Jumper be such a sloppy mess on top of Almond like that is a good way to kill much of the enthusiasm he might have there, opening a lane for Latte. Good shit, Knock Knock Boys.

[ninjakk]

Hi..

As much as I wanted to love the novel (original version), that r*pe jokes author threw in that extra chapter really put me off. She's so good creating the plots in her stories, but why did she has to put that jokes in? She was so insensitive about that issue.

I want to know your thoughts about this :)

Hi anon,

I'm sorry to hear you've been put off the novel, but each to their own.

So, you see the thing is it's not a joke to WWX and LWJ, they are just roleplaying to their kink. There are hints throughout the novel that WWX is not opposed to this forceful behaviour and he even makes a 'joke' about such things back when they are trapped in the Xuanwu's cave.

I think one thing that a lot of people forget is that this was a web novel on a site with author's notes and tags. So if the noncon, or in this case CNC (consensual nonconsensual), was an issue for readers, they might have been able to see this and not read on. It is also something often found in BL and she was targeting a specific audience who would mostly be aware of such things possibly appearing in her chapters anyway. Because of this, I don't think MXTX was being insensitive about such topics.

In fact, I think due to noncon and dubcon being a common trope in the BL genre, MXTX has (as she so often does) turned this trope on its head and actually made it something I would consider healthy. LWJ holds himself back from doing anything without WWX's consent (bar his momentary laps with the kiss, which he feels terrible about afterwards) and consent is actually a running theme throughout the novel. LWJ refuses to do anything WWX doesn't want - to the point he does not take him back to the Cloud Recesses in his first life. It only becomes CNC because WWX wants and encourages it at the end of the novel. Even the apparent dubcon bath scene where WWX thinks he's taken advantage of LWJ, was actually consensual because LWJ had sobered up before this point and it's subtly shown as such by LWJ's speech pattern changing from childish to a more forceful tone. Obviously LWJ's dream is technically noncon and was quite a shock to some, but this was a dream and you can't control dreams. I won't go into the dream scene because there is already a lot of meta on this and I'd just be repeating!

Overall, CNC is a part of WXs shared kinks and I actually found it refreshing to see it handled quite respectfully, in the sense of it being a kink that can have a bit of a bad rep. MXTX showed her readers how a loving couple can have such a kink, yet be so tender and sweet as well.

Naturally I understand why this might make some readers uncomfortable, especially if they are unaware such things are in a novel and it may be triggering. There is an argument here for some sort of warning being included for such content that may pose as a possible trigger and something indicating as such somewhere on the novel cover - as it does not have any on the official volumes I have. Especially considering some readers may have come from the CQL or donghua and aren't aware of such things being present.

As such, I would say that if anyone handled such things insensitively, it would be the publishing companies, not MXTX - as she is just an author catering towards a certain audience and genre. It is the publishing company's responsibility and choice to safeguard the general public from reading something that may be triggering, but most publishing companies do not do this because they fear it may impair sales. There is also a huge argument about adding warnings being a form of censorship and trigger warnings actually doing more harm than good, so it seems to be a very difficult line to tread.

[absolutebl]

Okay, FINE, the shows you should watch for BL's QUEER AF roots

You ready to go hunting?

Many of these are difficult to find. Also many of the images of them and their posters have been block/banned by tumblr, so, no screen grabs for you! (Good times.)

I don't necessarily *like* any of these, but if you are queer and in this fandom and need to dialogue around BL's queerness - these are going to provide a foundation for you. They are important for various industry, reputation, directorial, and cultural reasons. As seeds often are.

Trigger warnings throughout.

The true beginnings:

Boys Love, Japan's 2006 movie is a REALLY rough start featuring a journalist + hot model = murder gay, mild necrophilia, cheating, abuse, rape, and suicide for love. Start as you mean to go on, why don't you, Japan? Is it queer... maybe? Is it BL... honey, I am very sorry to inform you, this started BL.

Note: Yoshikazu Kotani is famous in og BL circles since he acted in 3 early BLs, both Boys Loves and then Same Difference. Also he v tall and hawt.

Eternal Summer, Taiwan 2006 - unlike Japan, Taiwan did NOT start how it would, eventually, go on. But what a messy way to start. A high school story of 3 besties in a love triangle, self discovery, and sexual awakening that fucks it all up.

No Regret, Korea 2006, is a very unhinged queer catastrophe piece about a lost gay man who ends up a host and then almost a murderer because of both his job and his identity.

Note: This is the directorial feature film debut of Lee-Song Hee-il Korea's (so far as I know) first openly gay director who specialized (to this day) in queer content.

The Love of Siam, Thailand 2007, this was Thailand's queer awakening, sure they would backpedal for YEARS after, but in 2022 they began to remember what this movie was (and did) and overtly referenced this quiet little masterpiece. This movie is sad but stunning in that way that the best queer works from Thailand can be (like Present Perfect or ITSAY.) It has Thailand's quintessential softness around theme and character, which you'll understand perfectly when highlighted against the backdrop of the early 2000s works from Japan, Korea, and Taiwan. Thailand will never lose this soft style and it's one of the most attractive qualities of Thai BL: it's never very harsh with us or its characters. This movie very easily COULD have been quite harsh indeed.

I thought long and hard about including Rice Rhapsody AKA Hainan Chicken Rice (Hainan ji fan) on this list and finally decided it doesn't really qualify. Still let me mention Hong Kong's 2005 movie. It is amazing, fascinating, and very rough going for an ostensible comedy. It wasn't the actual beginning because few saw it and Hong Kong never really picked up or ran with BL let alone QL, but it was hella queer. It's also hella homophobic.

Just Friends? (2009 Korea) - this is Korea's first (kinda) upbeat version of a BL featuring already established boyfriends, one of whom is on military leave, trying to decide on coming out, family life, and the future. All of these are themes Korea will pretty much never tackle again, retreating as they would to their bubble. But what a fun little offering this little show was and is to this day. You should watch it.

Like Love 1 AKA I Love You As A Man: Part 1 - China's 2014 offering is actually pretty classic early form live action yaoi with things like whipping boy, a university setting, rich/poor jock/nerd pairing, hard grumpy/sunshine and a very odd title. It's pre-censorship with an HEA, also explicit, yeah China once did that. This is a lot less queer that it is classic BL and classic Chinese romance, neither of which have any kind of connection to reality. But hey, that's what I'm here for. But it's important to note the drifting away from queerness beginning to occur.

Love Sick - Thailand's 2014 "boys in blues shorts" high school set soapy (in all ways) offering is widely considered the true beginning of Thai BL and by default, eventually, BL as we know it today. (As the biggest producer they somewhat dictate taste and trends in the genre.) This is one of those BLs that owes almost nothing to yaoi, although it started a number of tropes that are now endemic to Thai BL. What it is, instead, is a well scripted story of bisexual self-discovery and the inherent chaos of loving someone of the same gender for the first time, all wrapped up in hormones, existing relationships, and communication issues. It is high school queer angst at its messiest. Nothing is going to be easy for these boys because queer isn’t easy but also because life isn’t easy… welcome to adulthood sweethearts. Is is overtly queer? For 2014 Thailand? Sure is.

Love Next Door 2 a movie from 2014 and one of Thailand’s early very high heat pieces, it’s odd, but sexy I guess? Some unexpectedly decent queer rep including femme characters getting screen time + HEAs. (Part one from 2013 has the same high heat content and features the same lead character (and actor) discovering he is gay with the sex worker next door, but isn't as good nor is it relevant to this installment.)

A few other unknowns, for the queer babies

Wait For Me at Udagawachou AKA Udagawachou de Matteteyo - from Japan in 2015, this is a story about two boys in high school one of whom is a repressed outsider and the other who has a terrible secret (body dysmorphia & cross dressing). When the first boy discovers what's up with the second one, his reaction is very much fetishization. "Oh Japan must you?" kinda started for me with this show. But in this case, Japan, weirdly MUST. This is the ONLY show laboring under (and testing) a pointedly straight lens (or is it?) and identity examination (yes but which boys' identity? that's the question) that I've EVER seen even edge into the BL genre. It is crazy queer, even as it mostly focuses on the fetishization of identity from an outsider's perspective. I WISH more people in fandom would watch it so I could at least talk to someone about it.

The Lover (BL Cut) Korea's 2015 series had multiple couples in an apartment complex, one pair of whom is a BL romance between a Korean man and a visiting Japanese tourist (played by a Kpop idol). It's comedic, slapstick sexy only (no kissing), but basically starts up Korea's bubble and use of idols in BL. It's kinda fascinating to watch them dodge around and still represent gayness in what (is sadly destined to become) a very Chinese way, but which Korea in pursuit of Hallyu and market share would morph into the bubble.

Mr. X and I from China in 2015 is a compilation piece and, I think, the first of this kind of multiple narrative shorter grab bags AKA "Sampler Pack BL." Two of the stories are very queerly sad, but the third is CLASSIC BL of the kind that would become China's best (and last) true BL, Addicted.

Sweet Boy, (Thai 2016) Chimon's first gay role and it is quite sad, oddly sexy, and similar to Dew the movie or My Bromance (just so you know what you are in for) but the acting is on point. When Thailand goes dark, this is how they do it, but this is rough going for baby queers because that's the darkness it is exploring. Our old thematic friends: the pain of self discovery and coming out into a homophobic environment and unfriendly reality, and the cost of being the one able (and willing) to stay in the closet.

Method (Korea 2017) this movie is a May/December actor/idol pairing, that should have been everything I wanted in life but is more about the older character cheating on his wife and their weird “artsy” relationship and frankly, I hated it. And I don’t say that lightly. Is it queer? Who tf knows, but is sure has some interesting things to say about the nature of PERFORMATIVE queerness.

Red Balloon is Taiwan's 2017 precursor BL to their biggest and most famous prestige piece Your Name Engraved Herein. If you're making a choice, choose that instead, but this series certainly paved the way for it to come into existence. Both shows tackle the pressures of culture and social structures on self acceptance and identity and the loneliness inevitably caused by conflict between the two.

(As indeed does Life Love On The Line, Present Perfect, Grey Rainbow, Tropical Night, My Sky, and many other queer meets early BL pieces that revolved around coming out and family acceptance.)

China's 3 2017 "they tried to censor the gay... and it went HORRIBLY wrong":

Beloved Enemy,

The Fairy Fox,

Mr. CEO is Falling in Love with Him.

Honestly these 3 are basically the uncanny valley of BLs.

The Novelist AKA The Pornographer series (2018-2020). Messy psychological machinations, gaslighting, fetishization, sexual corruption, and more good times from "well, what did you expect?" Japan, but also no holds barred queer, just well and truly fucked in the head (and arse) about it.

The Cornered Mouse Dreams of Cheese AKA Kyuso wa Chizu no Yume wo Miru (Japan 2020) - Drama llama queers so queer and so dramatic it's like Japan is trying to PROVE something: obsession, cheating, break-up, reunion, then break up again, all of it explicit. This show is just SO JAPANESE. I can't even, but you should watch it and you'll know exactly what I mean. Something like My Personal Weatherman owes it's lineage to this kind of BL. If you like Japan naked, boney, emo, and smoking (hot & ciggy) you will love this, and should watch it. It's objectively amazing, I can't stand it, but I NEED people to talk about it more.

More Queer Stuff about BL from moi

BL Linguistics & Queer Identity - I Am Gay versus I Like Men 

Will BL Get More Honestly Queer? 

Actually gay, not BL gay - the idea of “by queers, for queers, about queers,” the BL bubble, sanitized gay, and a queer lens

Queer lens (from the director) and chemistry (from the actors) in BL (A Tale of Thousand Stars)

Touch & Daisy in Secret Crush On You - Queer Coded Language and 3rd Gender Identity

BL in Taiwan & Gay Marriage

Debating Queerbaiting in BL ( + Devil Judge… is it queerbaiting?) 

BL Actors and the Assumption of Queerness - outing actors, coming out, being out, more:  Is that BL actor actually queer?

So is it really fetishization? straight women loving bl 

Some BL fans are sasaengs, and it’s a problem in this fandom 

BLs That Highlight How Society Treats Queers

10 BLs That Are Honest to a Queer Experience 

If you like these kinds of shows try the "Moody Arthouse Smackdoodle" section of this post too.

Happy watching!

(source)

[stuff-diary]

Love For Love's Sake

TV Shows/Dramas watched in 2024

Love For Love's Sake (2024, South Korea)

Director: Kim Kyun Ah

Writer: Kwon Cho Rong (based on the webnovel by Hwacha)

Mini-review:

Full disclosure: I'm not a huge fan of BL dramas. They rarely work for me tbh, for a wide variety of reasons that I won't go into right now. From time to time I fall for people's raves about one of these shows, only to end up disappointed. And, while this one is better than average, it didn't impress me that much anyway. There's clearly a strong emotional core at the center of the story, but the episodes are too short and everything feels rushed. The thing that saves it is Lee Tae Vin's performance and his fantastic chemistry with Cha Joo Wan; it's thanks to them that the last two episodes hit a lot better than what comes before. But yeah, it's clear that BLs in general just aren't my thing.

[caffeinatedowlbear]

On Handsome AIs and identities

This was going to be a comment in the discussion under this post, but I cannot be stopped.

After clearing up semantics, OP and I are in agreement that AI Jack was created by means of a ‘brain download’, however BL’s near-magical technology would handle that.

What comes next is determining to which degree AI Jack is or isn’t the same person as Jack 1.0. I’m afraid you’ve triggered an unskippable cutscene.

To clear this up, I propose we answer the following questions:

1. Is AI Jack a SEPARATE being from Jack 1.0?

2. Is AI Jack a DIFFERENT being than Jack 1.0?

Is he separate?

As far as I’m concerned, yes, because:

He is a new being: AI Jack is a digital entity that had not existed before being created by Nakayama: and we know that Nakayama did make the initial primitive AI we meet in TPS; we can imagine the AI Jack in Tales being a much, much, much upgraded version of that.

He is operatIONAL, even if not operatING: based on how easily AI Jack is activated in Tales, we can assume that the 'brain download' wasn’t being passively dumped into a static database, but incorporated into a digital, self-aware system capable of autonomous thought and action, once activated.

“But he wasn’t activated until—”

Irrelevant! As far as I'm concerned, a being in stasis is still a being. It exists, and it’s alive, just not presently active. If I wouldn’t be okay with destroying an active self-aware AI, I also wouldn’t be okay with destroying a fully functional AI that hasn't been activated yet. Killing the latter would NOT feel more okay than the former.

Is he different?

OP has pointed out that from the point where Jack 1.0’s and AI Jack’s experiences start to differ, they become separate beings. Based on my points above, I argue that AI Jack is a separate being from jump. But paraphrasing OP, I would say that 1.0 and AI become different beings the moment their experiences diverge.

And that moment is the very next second after 1.0’s brain download begins. Because the brain being downloaded is a snapshot in time, so as soon as 1.0 makes a new memory, including the memory of uploading said snapshot… continuity has been broken. 1.0 now has a memory that AI doesn’t.

Which kind of means that the only time Jack 1.0 and AI Jack are the same person is the split second between 1.0 starting the brain download and the download commencing?

(As an aside: if we imagine that New-U's are canon, they are meant to instantaneously back up the user's brain at the time of death, and digistruct a new body into which the brain contents are uploaded. Similar for Fast Travel or any other teleportation: you're scanned, destroyed, then recreated at the destination. As long as only one copy of you exists at a time, your continuity is preserved. If a spare copy is left behind, we have a problem.)

(As an extra aside: the show Living With Yourself features a darkly funny, but pretty solid exploration of what happens when a spare copy of you gets left behind.)

Revisiting our questions now…

1. Is AI Jack a SEPARATE being from Jack 1.0? - yes, because AI Jack has existed at the same time as Jack 1.0 

2. Is AI Jack a DIFFERENT being than Jack 1.0? - yes, because AI Jack’s memories are never exactly the same as Jack 1.0’s, due to the snapshot nature of the hypothetical brain download

Now, for the trillion-dollar question… Does being a separate and different ENTITY from Jack 1.0 make AI Jack a different PERSON?

This one, I’m afraid, has too many layers, because wouldn’t you know it, being a person is complicated. XD

For the purposes of this discussion, let’s take the Felicity example. If the memory of what Jack 1.0 did to Felicity are part of AI Jack’s memories, does this mean that AI Jack also inherits the blame for those actions?

I don’t know. For real. 

It’s easy to say ‘of course he does, because he’s a direct continuation of Jack 1.0’ - except that he’s not, as I’ve described above.

‘But even AI Jack himself, in Tales, views himself as a direct continuation of 1.0’ - but just because he thinks that doesn’t make it true.

I think the only way that makes sense to me is to ask: if Jack 1.0 were still around, whom would you hold responsible for the damage done to Felicity? For the death of Bloodwing? For the destruction of New Haven?

If you had to put someone on trial for that, would you go after the man who actually did it? Or after the man who was made to believe that he had? 

So if we wouldn’t have held AI Jack responsible for Jack 1.0’s actions if the latter was still around, I don’t think that 1.0’s death should change things.

AI Jack is a Separate and Different being than Jack 1.0, and should not be held responsible for any of 1.0’s actions.

The defense rests--

Wait, actually…

There is one exception to my closing statement.

AI Jack is a Separate and Different being than Jack 1.0, and should not be held responsible for any of 1.0’s actions UNLESS he chooses to accept that responsibility for whatever reason.

Now, in what situation would AI Jack WANT to be held responsible for Jack 1.0’s actions? When accepting responsibility is inextricably tied with some experience of being Jack 1.0. When he would rather think of himself as Jack 1.0, with everything that entails, rather than be completely separate from him.

When there’s something in his-not-his memories that he wants to think of as his own, even if it means accepting the pain and grief and other baggage that comes with it.

Consider the following segment from my fic, in which AI Jack, by now pretty invested in the idea that he is NOT Jack 1.0, believes he has a fleeting chance to speak to the ghost of Angel (emphasis added).

“Angel.” Just saying her name again makes Jack want to drop to his knees, but he’s not gunning for pity here. “I am… so sorry. I’m— I’m told you understand that I’m not… him, but really, I’m not not him, either, ‘cause I— I remember it all. Better than he ever did, ever could, ‘cause he never could go back and look, really look at it all, and I can. I… have. I’ve seen everything he’s done, I’ve learned what you did, and I got it, I finally got it, too fucking late, of course, but for what it’s worth— Yeah, no, I know it ain’t worth much. Just like your dad, always a day late and a dollar short when it comes to the stuff that matters. Gahd, you really have been dealt a shitty hand as far as parents go, eh, baby girl? Far as too many things go, really. You didn’t deserve what happened to you, what he— what I— Fuck.” He forces a chuckle. “Yeah, yeah, I know. Language.” Seriously, this identity crap is starting to really get in the way. Story of his digital life, huh. Guess he’d better pick a pronoun and stick with it. Is he saying sorry for what the other Jack did, or taking on the man’s actions as his own? Is he offering an apology, or just condolences? Is he a bystander, an accomplice, or the perpetrator? Well, he can’t be either of the last two, ‘cause he, this Jack, never did anything to her! He never even met her! He wasn’t even around at the time, he wasn’t alive, for his given value of living! He’s more than within his rights to absolve himself of the guilt. But if he does that, if he’s a bystander offering condolences, that means he’s talking to a stranger right now. If he absolves himself of the guilt, if he stands aside from the horrors Jack 1.0 is responsible for… then he’s got no claim to any of the good memories, either. He never lost a daughter ‘cause he never had one. He was never married, he never ran Hyperion, he had nothing, he was nothing till he got sparked into consciousness when Rhys jammed a data drive into his cybernetics. He’s not Handsome Jack. He’s not any Jack. He’s just a confused collection of ones and zeroes, a digital ghost mixed up in old memories he doesn’t know what to do with. She’s a stranger to him, and he’s no-one and nothing to her, and he’s got no business talking to her, and none of this has any meaning. Well. Fuck that. “Angel. I’m sorry for what I did to you. I’m so sorry, baby. You deserved so much better than that. So much better than me. So much better than this bullshit apology. I mean, it’s not all bullshit, ‘cause I mean every word, but it’s still bullshit ‘cause it can’t fix a thing. There’s nothing to be fixed. You’re— you’re gone, and it’s my fault. All of it. You did nothing wrong. It was all me. I never saw. I never understood. I left you with no choice. I’m sorry.”

So, in summary… in my many, many thousands of words of writing about AI Jack, I ask the question ‘but IS he Jack?’ many times, but I never answer it. It’s always up to AI Jack himself to decide. His feelings about it change a lot as time goes on, but ultimately, he accepts that his identity is a liminal space between ‘Handsome Jack’ and ‘Not Handsome Jack’. 

Is AI Jack the same person as Handsome Jack 1.0, or is he someone different?

Yes. 

[lemonandpie]

@b0nes-mcgee asked me for an angsty yaoi reclist, and oh boy am I willing to oblige. A lot of these I read a long time ago, so I don't rememvber all of the content warnings, but when reading yaoi it's a good idea to just assume sexual assault will turn up. I also can't swear by the quality for all of them, but they are all very angsty.

(And yes, I am using yaoi as a catchall term here, even though not all of them are sexual or even canonically gay, just very heavily implied. Also yaoi is a Japanese term and some of the works are Korean).

The Classics

Viewfinder (CW for all kinds of sexual assault between love interests and others; typical mafia stuff). Photographer gets some snaps of the mafia, and mob boss decides to get him to stay quiet via. Well. See content warnings. Last time I looked, it was still unfinished, sadly.

Maiden Rose (CW for sexual assault between love interests. And I'm sure other things that I don't remember considering it's set in an AU WW2). Imperial Prince who is Not Allowed To Be Touched Ever and his bodyguard who decides to ignore that. Basically sent my purity kink into overdrive, RIP baby Lemon. Also potentially unfinished.

Mada Koi Towa Shirazu ni (CW sexual assault, suicidal ideation). Young samurai in training is assaulted by his jealous peers, so he seeks out an older samurai who can teach him how to commit Seppuku. They end up falling in love instead. Most erotic discussions of suicide I have ever seen and yes that is as insane as it sounds.

Ai no Kusabi (CW for sexual slavery). Highly recommend if you enjoy a brattier sub.

Black Butler (CW for... everything?) Not technically a BL, but definitely has the angst. If you cannot deal with any form of underage stay very clear (I'd struggle if I hadn't started it younger than Ciel and prior to developing that particular squick. Nothing is explicit, but Ciel ends up in a lot of sexual situations). I personally gave up on it because the manga has developed gone-on-too-long-itis, where the author has just thrown in any soap opera plot twist they can think of. Others may be fine with that, but if not then I'd say watch season 1 of the anime and then the OVAs.

Newer Works

Ten Count (CW sexual assault between love interests, graphic depiction of OCD, and an incestuous sexual situation involving a child). Office worker with severe contamination OCD ends up in a bet with a psychology student that the student can 'cure' his OCD. With dubcon sex! Messy, but I adore the MC and his backstory fully triggered me.

Obey Me (CW sexual assault, kidnapping, stalking, child abuse, bullying, suicide, homophobia, transphobia... it's a lot). Isolated loner gets kidnapped and held captive by his stalker, and slowly learns the truth of his amnesia. This is super fucked up, and it hit the level of dark where I wasn't sure how good it is but god did it scratch the angst spot in my brain.

Dangerous Drug of Sex (CW sexual assault between love interests, suicide). Suicidal man is kidnapped mid-suicide attempt by a doctor whose partner died by suicide, so now he's determined to keep this guy alive by any means necessary. Noncon BDSM as therapy, my favorite. I've only seen the film so far, which was really good but part of that is in the way it leaned into the horror elements as well as the romantic ones. A sex scene with horror chords and loud screams was too much for a lot of people, so if that sounds like you, maybe read the manga.

Eclipse of the Celestial Heart (CW sexual assault and so much murder omg). Just minutes after their first kiss, main guy sees his new boyfriend be brutally murdered and then just... get up like it's nothing. Then it happens over, and over, and over. A pretty good thriller that gets increasingly horrifying, with lots of betrayal and pain.

Kiraide Isasete (CW sexual assault). This is definitely the sweetest work on this list. MC is an omega who was raped and impregnated by his alpha classmates. It focuses on his healing from that trauma and learning to open himself up to alphas after being hurt so poorly by them. Still ongoing I think.

General Mangaka Recs

Kaori Yuki is made for Anne Rice fans. Gothic horror, romance with debatable morals, and incest coming out the wazoo. If there was ever a manga version of TVA, she'd be perfect. Boy's Next Door might be the only one that is officially yaoi, but they're all good.

CLAMP's older stuff is very heavy on bother angst and queerness, but while it gets very sexy there's no sex.

Harada is the current superstar of kinky angsty manga. All of the trigger warnings, all of the kinks, and so much angst.

I haven't read, but heard good things

Killing Stalking. Sounds kind of like the homoerotic version of You, and I think Obey Me took a lot if inspo from it. Very dark, very angsty. There's a lot of debate whether it counts as a BL because the romance is in one direction, but that's the same logic as people who claim Marimand never had sex because there's no penetration.

Painter in the Night. I don't know a lot about this one, except that it's steamy and angsty and historical.

Ennead. I know, I disgust myself. Inspired by Egyptian mythology, with all of the incest, sexual assault, and general messiness that comes with it.

Kaze to Ki no Uta. Again, I disgust myself. This is considered the original shounen-ai, and basically all of the standard tropes of the genre come from this series. Which means it's angsty af and deals with sexual assault.

[dawsonskyelar]

Hello! I'm Skyelar Dawson and I'm an author! Please don't hesitate to hit me up, ask me questions, anything!

My first novel, The Spaces Between Us, is finally out in web ebook and physical formats! I recommend the web for the best experience, but would be very happy if you decided to get it from Amazon or your favourite retailer! I'll be publishing the first nine chapters on Tumblr, and you can read the rest on my blog!

My novel is inspired by the characters Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke from the manga Naruto. @fangirlandiknowit101 gave me the idea for the alternate dimensions storyline. Thank you so so much, I couldn't have written this without you!

Special thanks go to my artist Liu Liu. Their art is so so beautiful and they're so accommodating of my nagging! Please commission them and tell them I say hi!

I also want to thank @sketchy-and-unformed for somehow sticking by me all these years. I'm with you until the end of the line.

Summary:

Depressed Sebastian Powell and outgoing Nick Hayes are flatmates and best friends. Sebastian is also in love with Nick, but he can’t admit it because Nick’s amazing and Sebastian’s a nobody. He thinks it’s going to be this way forever, but one day he and Nick are transported to another dimension.

And not just any other dimension. Seb and Nichole, their alternate selves, are married and seemingly have everything Sebastian wants. It’s overwhelming enough to learn that other dimensions exist, but seeing his other self living his best life is enough to make Sebastian think he has it the worst. In addition, his and Nick’s ugly pasts have reared their heads.

Sebastian and Nick must learn to navigate this strange new world. But can they do that without losing their identities? And can Sebastian make the choice between Nick’s affection and the destruction of all the dimensions before it’s too late?

(Warning: This is not a story for sensitive readers. It portrays multiple dark issues and has sexual content. Specific trigger warnings are located under the Read More to prevent readers from being spoiled.)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Trigger warnings (MAJOR SPOILERS):

Depression

Suicide/ideation of suicide

PTSD

Alcoholism

Minor character deaths

Physical violence

Gore (mild)

Familial/spousal abuse

Sexual content (mild)

Biphobia (mild)

NEW: https://discord.com/invite/QVfcvVAnsM Please join my BL writing server I'm so lonely

[chiralheart]

half assed intro post yay !!!

heyyy! this is @whimsysys ‘s sideblog dedicated to yaoi and other gay ass happenings. this blog will mostly focus on DMMD, slow damage, and any BL’s we might read or watch in the future … we might also reblog some other insane shit /silly /sx

we’ve only played the demo for DMMD unfortunately, we are broke as FUCK !!! but we love koujaku x aoba very very much as well as noiz x aoba. as for slow damage i know almost nothing about it but i’ve seen CGs and i like the idea of it and towa is hot as fuck so we ball !!! other interests that will likely be posted here are alien stage and otome games, epecially blooming panic... my other fav otome games are delicious date, killer chat!, and that's pretty much it!! I NEED MORE RECCOMMENDATIONS !!! :D

i’ll add tag information as needed, but for now there’s no special tagging system for this blog!

dni criteria !!!!!!!!!

main blog’s criteria

this blog is strictly 16+ only

fujoshis are on thin ice for comfort reasons, same with himedanshis. if you aren’t overly fetishy about it, im fine with it. i’ve just had very weird experiences with fujos as a gay man /lh

believe being a fudanshi or himejoshi is problematic?? (surely people dont believe this.. right!)

if you dont want to see suggestive content, please feel free to block us. we don’t tag anything explicit unless its very extreme, since that’s the general nature of this blog

if you are against selfcest (further referred to as mirrorshipping) or if it makes you uncomfortable. nothing personal, that's completely valid! but this blog will probably include that sometimes & i enjoy it

basic criteria

NOTE: due to the nature of DMMD and slow damage, this blog will sometimes reblog art that contains blood/gore. this will usually be tagged but we have memory problems and it might slip our mind sometimes. if that would be triggering for you, it might be best to stay away from this page! /lh click images for cred!

[ineffable-opinions]

BL: Romancing in a Bubble?

As always, please let me know if you have suggestions, critiques, comments or corrections.

I will only be discussing BL broadly (here I use BL as an umbrella term) and not just live action. I don’t want to club together BL and GL since in spite of their shared roots they are very different in their genre conventions, target demographics, and history. Also, I am not very familiar with it.

I consider BL a genre in itself – practically well as the way Masala is a cinema genre.

Please check the content/trigger warnings before diving into the works I have mentioned below. Feel free to message or ask.

BL / romance

I don’t think BL is romance or even a sub-genre of romance. A lot of BL is romance. Many more of them have at least a romantic side to them. There is enough overlap between those genres to give the impression that BL is romance. (I remember the discussion Killing Stalking had prompted.)

But there are plenty of BL devoid of romance. Like One Room Angel, Social Reform Season, and The Orc Bride. Similarly, BL is not exactly a porn sub-genre even though there are plenty of ero-BL.

Also, there are plenty of BL where romance takes backseat such as The Night Beyond the Tricornered Window, Blue Morning, Brother, Lawless Gangster and Thousand Autumns.

BL / queer

Queer – Can I call it a genre the way I call BL a genre? Even if one were to ignore queer as method in academia, it is still so complex.

Let me quote Taiwanese tongzhi (queer) author Chiang-Sheng Kuo:

[W]hat exactly is queer literature? Is it queer literature if queer people like to read it, or is it only queer literature if there are queer characters in the books? Or is it an appendage of the queer movement? If a queer author writes a book without queer characters, does that represent a certain aspect of queer culture?

(You can find the whole interview here.)

I think the problem persist even when I think of queer as a label.

Then there is the issue with conception of “queerness” itself. Like, in a way it is a limiting term. Is it fair to call normative or customary male-male erotic practices such as masti and Launda Naach, “queer” just because that’s how it is perceived elsewhere now?

To quote what Kaustav Bakshi wrote in Writing the LGBTIHQ+ movement in Bangla:

In the last decade, the question of decolonizing queer epistemologies was being raised periodically, whereby queer politics, despite having a shared agenda of toppling heteronormativity, and queer culture, albeit having a shared aesthetics, became more and more regionalist – not in a negative sense – but, with implications of difference, which can be interpreted and understood only when one subjectively experiences the ‘region’ with respect to gender, class, caste, ethnicity, physical and intellectual ability, access to education, metropolitan cultures, and most importantly, the internet.

[T]he attraction towards the launda is not understood as ‘queer’ – non-normative or out of the ordinary – but, as an integral part of sexual life, which is not always compulsively alert to the heterosexual-homosexual binary.

Imo, decolonizing queer epistemologies comes in handy when discussing BL since there are plenty of BL dealing with:

Historical BL set in eras and locations that had customary male-male sexualities and practices.

BL with special settings, like omegaverse, with different (if any) idea of queerness.

BL / other queer content

Just as Japan has gei-comi, and other manga like Shoujo Manga Artist Minamoto-San Comes Out, and Kieta Hatsukoi (shoujo), What Did You Eat Yesterday and My Brother's Husband (seinen) beside BL manga, different countries offer diversity in queer content with noticeable overlap. But clubbing them together would not be easy. Moreover, this diversity is as much cross-sectional as it is temporal (tanbi, JUNE, shonen ai, yaoi, BL in Japan).

BL the main difference between BL and other queer genres is BL’s focus on moe (affect). Anyway, BL predates LGBTQ+ acronym. It predates de-pathologization of homosexuality in many BL creating regions. Fu-people (BL fans) were creating BL before mainstream media started representing queer people in media. Fu-people battled state and its censors everywhere along with queer people. Live action BL is commercialized and we get mostly feel-good content. But that is capitalism (and the State) reaping the dividends of decades of fu-people’s labor of love.

I wonder if it is apt to consider BL the way western queer shows (such Verbotene Liebe, Queer as Folks, Os Nossos Dias and SKAM) as benchmark when discussing BL? Won’t it be better to evaluate consider BL in relation to local non-BL queer content in BL producing countries? But then, there are BL inspired by western queer culture such as Partners by Tamaki Yura.

Here are three gei-comi that I recommend for BL audience, through which they can get an insight into non-BL queer manga from Japan (created with androphilic men as target audience) :

Fire Code by Ichikawa Kazuhide

Fisherman's Lodge by Gengoroh Tagame

Coming Home by Go Fujimoto

Here is my BL versus gei-comi list which I think highlights their differences and similarities (I have included only Gengoroh Tagame’s works since they are probably the easiest to access/buy/borrow):

Do You Remember South Island P.O.W. Camp? by Gengoroh Tagame || Hitori de Yoru wa Koerarenai by Matsumoto Yoh

Arena by Gengoroh Tagame || Jinx by Mingwa

Cretian Cow by Gengoroh Tagame || The Orc Bride by Madobuchiya (Nishin)

Uo to Mizu by Gengoroh Tagame || Terpenoid by Okadaya Tetuzoh

My Brother's Husband by Gengoroh Tagame || The Story of My Brother by Ike Reibun

There is lot of overlap between BL and gei-comi. Gengoroh Tagame first published in JUNE (a magazine that contributed to BL we know now). There are magazines and anthologies (Nikutaiha BL) that offer crossover between different streams of queer content.

Similarly, there are danmei (Chinese BL) novel written by queer men such as the autobiographical works: Six Records of a Floating Life and Waiting Until 35 Years Old by NanKang BaiQi and Bei Cheng Tian Jie (北城天街) by FeiTian YeXiang.

BL / Queerness - exploration and conflict

Here are some live action BL (I’m not including some of the more famous ones like TharnType and Wedding Plan) where plot is rooted in character’s queerness and its exploration or implications:

Lan Yu – first danmei to get live action adaptation. The central conflict is rooted in the queerness of its characters, particularly Chen HanDong.

A Round Trip to Love and Irresistible Love – based on danmei by Lan Lin. These are part of a shared universe. The former has both ‘coming out’ (Cheng Yichen) and ‘leaving home’ (Lu Feng). In the latter, all the conflict is rooted in compulsory heterosexuality and we get the perspective of not only an amphiphilic (bisexual) man (Xie Yan) but also an amphiphilic woman (Xia Jun) of the same social class.

Boys Love: The Movie

No Touching At All (2014)

Udagawachou de Matteteyo (2015)

The Cornered Mouse Dreams of Cheese

Sing in Love (2022) – Queerness is part of the main conflict.

Mood Indigo

Life: Senjou no Bokura

Light on Me

I don’t keep track of these things usually, so this is based off memory.

In Japan, most BL has dealt with the struggles of being queer in a largely heterosexist society since the days of tanbi and shonen-ai (such as Zankoku Na Kami Ga Shihai Suru by Hagio Moto). JUNE gained notoriety for focusing on it and yaoi boom was movement away from that. Then yaoi gained notoriety for existing in a bubble. When BL started to treat heterosexism in society as a part of the narrative, it garnered praise for being ‘transformative’.

BL has managed to carry within it different modes of identity and queerness.

Take Okane ga Nai (No Money) by Hitoyo Shinozaki and Toru Kousaka for example.

It is often held up as the epitome of all that is wrong with BL (or yaoi as anglophone fandom calls it). What’s less talked about is the main character, Ayase Yukiya’s queer angst and his exploration of identity that spans several volumes of the manga series. Kano on the other hand doesn’t struggle with his identity at all since his attraction to Ayase is driven by a very strong, initially unreciprocated emotional connection dependency (formed when his father died and he was at his lowest). For him, sexuality is merely a form of expression of his attraction for Ayase. Therefore, it does not inform his identity in anyway.

Within cannon, Someya and Honda’s pairing offer contrast to Ayase and Kano’s pairing. In a way, Kano and Someya have post-queer and pre-queer identities, respectively. Someya is a self-actualized person who mentors other queer characters (club staff, Ayase, Honda, Kano). There is a lot of give and take that happens between Ayase and all the queer people he meets at Someya’s club. Ayase's and Honda’s struggles with identity and sexuality are juxtaposed with Kano's and Someya's self-assured disposition.

That is also why I don’t think I Told Sunset About You stands out much. It can easily fit into the BL fold because there are plenty of BL that approached the same theme as I Told Sunset About You in a similar fashion (including these live action BL: His - Koisuru Tsumori Nante Nakatta, Life: Senjou no Bokura and The Cornered Mouse Dreams of Cheese).  

I recommend the danmei novel Sissy by Shui QianCheng, the author of the works Beloved Enemy, My Stand-In and Meet You at the Blossom are based on, for a more detailed exploration of heterosexism, including femmephobia and homophobia.

Sissy, Beloved Enemy and Professional Body Double (the novel My Stand-in is based on) are all part of 188 group (a shared universe of novels).

There are plenty of other BL from other region that are focus on themes such as heterosexism and compulsory heterosexuality. Here is such a one-shot: Romantic by Motoni Modoru (part of the anthology Tanbishugi).

BL / terms

I like BL and associated terms like danmei because of the culture and the history associated with those terms. Tanbi and danmei are different readings of same characters 耽美 but they represent very different things. Shonen-ai literally translate to boy(s) love but that term (or BRM (boys’ romantic manga) as Emiko Nozawa puts it) carries within it so much history and specific artistic styles and sensibilities. Waai is derived from yaoi/yuri but there are fu-cultural processes, very different from that of yaoi creation, behind the production of Y-novels. I learned a lot from exploring these words alone.

[inkameswetrust]

The Window Sill (Pt. 6)

Pairing: James Diamond x Kendall Knight

Characters: Kendall Knight, James Diamond, Katie Knight, (The Mention Of) Brooke Diamond

Content Warnings: Fluff, BL, SFW, Slight Angst(?)

Word Count: 2,551

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Kendall shook off the petrification Brooke had relentlessly instilled in him, the twinge of pain in his chest stopped him from entering the building. He was afraid to enter, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, and upsetting Brooke even further. Kendall knew James and his friends were expecting him. Still, suddenly his feet surrendered to the pavement as if he'd sunk underwater with an anchor tied to his ankle. It seemed impossible to reach the entrance door if Kendall was no longer treading water.

His fingers curled inward, not enough to clench his fists but enough to give off the impression of being unsettled. There was a faint wincing sound rumbling in the back of his throat that, too, was afraid of moving any further. It was as if Kendall's whole body had retreated to the safety of its shell like a tortoise in harm's way. After raising one hand to wrap his weary fingers around the strap of his backpack, Kendall hit the ground running and fled the parking lot.

He swiped his phone from his left back pocket and flipped it open to text James. Kendall attempted to type a message saying that he wasn't feeling well and had taken the bus home, but his phone chimed with an unsavory beep when he hit send. A notification popped up on his screen saying he had insufficient text credit. Kendall swore under his breath with a hearty groan to accompany it as he crammed the bottom half of his phone into his fist and shoved it back into his pocket.

A passing public bus made its way beside a nearby bench mounted to the sidewalk. It creaked and huffed as it came to a drawn-out halt and opened the door. Kendall sprinted inside, pulling out a handful of loose quarters from the side of his backpack and sliding them into the coin slot. He avoided eye contact with the bus driver and hurried to the first available window seat. His arms wrapped around his backpack as he sat it atop his lap and let his head tilt against the window.

Kendall's phone buzzed in the confines of his jeans. He sat still at first, knowing James was most certainly texting him about his whereabouts. The temptation to open his phone and read James' text was too great. But what was the point? Kendall had no way to respond.

His phone buzzed again, its vibrating sensation becoming strikingly alarming the second time. Kendall sat with his open palm against the side of his face, almost as if to shield himself from the impulse to respond. As he fought back the urge, a third and final buzz triggered his brows to furrow. Kendall whined into his palm but stood his ground and kept perfectly still until the bus came to an uneasy halt at his stop. He scampered away through the exit doors down the middle of the vehicle and tightly clung to his backpack as he shuffled the rest of the way home in a daze. His scuffed-up Converse Chucks scratched against the asphalt as he barely lifted his feet with each weary step.

Kendall stomped onto the porch with his head heavy in his hands like a boulder. He stared at the front door as second thoughts began to consume him familiarly. Did Kendall make the wrong decision by leaving so abruptly? Could he have at least called? Part of Kendall wanted to come hurdling back to Brooke Diamond Cosmetics Headquarters despite his complete journey home.

Before Kendall could get his foot in the door, Katie stood before him, wearing a look that connoted neutrality and indifference. Her eyelids hung low in contrast to the cock of her brow, accompanied by her lips stretching out in a straight line.

"I was gonna open that, y'know," Kendall sighed, gesturing to the house keys he crammed in his fist.

"Didn't need to," Katie replied, almost as though she were mocking him, "I could hear you moping from a mile away."

"Whatever," Kendall groaned as he brushed past Katie and stormed off to his bedroom.

Bewildered and none the wiser, Katie watched Kendall disappear behind his bedroom door. The only sound accompanying it closing shut was the sound of Kendall flopping backward onto his bed. He ran his palm across his face and his fingers through his hair as he pinched his eyes shut. If only the world could smite him where he lay and erase the turmoil brewing in the depths of his soul. Life could never be that merciful, though. Kendall was doomed to sit and stew in his own emotional filth.

He rolled onto his side and fetched his cell phone from his pocket. Kendall grimaced as he flipped it open and punished himself by continuously reading James' text messages. The blonde wondered if it was too late or cowardly to call now. He clenched his fist around his cell phone and grunted out of frustration. Why wasn't there an easier way out? Why wasn't there a silver lining in all this? His fit of brooding was cut short by a knock at his bedroom door.

"Are you okay?" Katie murmured.

"Go away..."

Despite Kendall's protest, Katie twisted the doorknob and tip-toed to his bedside. She nervously twiddled her fingers at the sides of her jeans as her gaze fell upon any direction but her brother's.

"Did something happen?" Katie continued.

Kendall curled up in defense and hugged himself in deafening silence. His blanket rustled beneath him as it bunched and folded to match his movements. Katie shuffled closer and sat at the foot of Kendall's bed with her hands awkwardly folded atop her lap.

"Is it James?"

"I just thought this would be easier," Kendall sighed, turning his head back and meeting Katie with half a glance.

"Wait, what? You still haven't talked to him?"

"No, I've obviously talked to him already. That problem's been solved," Kendall retorted as he sat up on his bed, "We're actually... dating now."

"Then what's the problem? That's what you wanted!"

"I know that!" Kendall barked as he raised his hand to chest level and offered the sight of his open palm as a means of defense. He immediately regretted raising his voice at Katie. It wasn't like him to shout. Not at family, at least. Katie leaned back and temporarily distanced herself from Kendall. She was annoyed to be caught in Kendall's emotional crossfire. She made that known with the curving, souring, contorting expression of contempt painting her face.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell," Kendall confessed after a long overdue deep breath, "It's just that... I don't know. This is just a lot harder than I thought it'd be."

"Did something happen?"

Kendall's eyes flickered at Katie with discomfort. He unclenched his fist and left his cell phone at his side while recalling how Brooke Diamond threatened him and his relationship with James. It still gave him chills to recall the words she spoke to him.

"I think James' mom may have seen me kissing him," Kendall admitted uneasily, "She told me she could have me replaced in the blink of an eye and that she only lets me around James because I can keep him happy without interfering with the plans she has for him."

Katie sat beside Kendall in disbelief. She had no words with which she could respond to her brother's tale. It was common knowledge that Brooke Diamond was a force to be reckoned with, but this seemed excessive even for her.

"I got so scared that I left without saying anything. I ran away and took the first bus home I could catch," Kendall continued, "I was going to text James I left, but I ran out of credit."

"And you didn't call?"

"Well, I was going to when I got home, but..." Kendall trailed off.

"But what?"

Kendall shrunk his posture and averted his gaze from Katie. He cowered at the realization that he'd be reprimanded for yet another exhibition of poor communication or the lack thereof. He sat there silent and still as he braced himself for impact.

"You really have nothing to say?" Katie sneered, "Go call him right now, you idiot! He's probably worried sick about you!"

"No, he's not!"

"Kendall, you make everyone worry about you." Katie countered, "All you do is make reckless decisions. Then you run and hide when things get difficult."

"Oh, what do you know? You're just a kid!"

"Yeah, a kid who knows better than to avoid her problems!" Katie snapped back with her hands on her hips in a similar fashion to that of her mother.

Kendall flashed a displeased look in retaliation to Katie's comment. She had him cornered, but he'd never admit to that. His stubbornness was one of his strongest shortcomings in circumstances such as this. Katie narrowed her eyes in defense and stood her ground with a glare that shot daggers at Kendall.

"Just call him already."

"Fine!" Kendall grumbled as he swiped his cell phone from his pillow and dialed James' number. He raised it to his left ear and listened to the monotone chime of its ring. The ring sounded louder than usual. Almost as if it could be heard from a distance. Confused and mildly intrigued, Kendall darts his head in every direction to locate the additional sound. He looks behind him, and to his surprise, James is waving through the window with his cell phone in his vacant hand.

"James!" Kendall cries as he rushes to his window and pulls it open, granting James entry.

"Hey," James chimed as he climbed through and lowered his feet to the hardwood floor.

The two boys, while relieved to see one another, were awkwardly silent. There were numerous things to be said, many glances to offer, and quite a few gestures to share, but none of the courage to exchange anything. Sensing the rising tension in the air and the desperate need for a private conversation, Katie shuffled back to the door with an awkward grin.

"I'll just leave you two alone," Katie uttered as she closed the door and tip-toed into the hallway. She left an additional moment of awkward silence in her wake. Kendall plunged his fists into his pockets and nervously tucked his lips inward. James took note of Kendall's slightly averted gaze and parted his lips to speak, albeit quietly.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Kendall replied with a weak smile.

"Are you sure?" James questioned, his brows furrowing with disbelief. "Because you left without saying anything. I texted you."

"I know. I'm sorry," Kendall began, pacing around the room and speaking with open palms, "I wanted to text you back, but I ran out of credit."

James watched as Kendall nervously marched across the floor. Those frantic footsteps and frenzied hand movements always worried him. The brunette was confused, and his question had yet to be answered, but he was concerned, above all else.

"I was gonna call you earlier, but then I wondered if it was too late and maybe I was making a mistake. I'd already gotten home, so I figured there was no point," Kendall continued, trudging from corner to corner. "But then I realized the real mistake was leaving, and believe me, I wanted to go straight back as soon as I got home."

James curled his fingers in anticipation. He itched to reach out to Kendall and strip him of his unease and stress. Though, he sensed Kendall was far from finished. His words came spilling out like water splashing through the cracks in a dam.

"I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't shown up," Kendall sighed, with his head in his hands. "Maybe I'm in over my head. I'm terrible at this! I have no idea what I'm doi—"

James ground Kendall's spiral to a halt by pulling him in by the arms and, with a gentle yet unwavering grip, joined their lips in an abrupt kiss. Kendall's eyes snapped open, and his body stiffened under James' touch. He was stunned into silence yet again. It wasn't until the crescendo of James' kiss that Kendall felt calm enough to loosen up and surrender to his senses. James pulled away, his hands swimming down Kendall's forearms until they reached his fingers.

"What was that for?" Kendall mumbled with a nonplussed look.

"I don't know, I was worried about you," James sighed with a heavy gaze.

Kendall brought his palms to his face and groaned as he hunched over, saying, "Ugh, am I terrible at this?"

"No," James refuted without a second thought. "Do you think you're terrible at this?"

"No... maybe... I don't know! This is just harder than I thought." Kendall panicked, "I just can't stop worrying about who's looking when we're together. I don't want anything bad to happen."

"Is that why you left? Because you were scared that someone saw us?"

Kendall's heart stopped at the sound of that question. He wanted to be honest with James, but there was no use in confessing to being threatened by his mother. James was incapable of confronting or standing up to Brooke. He couldn't possibly jeopardize his position as her darling boy. Cornered and afraid, Kendall had to concoct a lie that was believable enough to be true but not enough to make a fuss. He felt their relationship depended on his response and that he'd have to choose it wisely.

"Y...Yes," Kendall mumbled, hoping to not come off as uncertain. "I think someone saw us holding hands at school, and I didn't wanna slip up in front of your mom, so I ran off!"

"Oh, I had no idea anyone had seen us," James sighed. "I mean, you're always trying really hard to be discreet. I thought there was no way."

"Yep... someone saw us. A couple people, actually." Kendall replied, wearing a poker face as he mentally reprimanded himself for expanding on his blatant lie.

"No wonder you're so stressed out," James chuckled. "Imagine if my mom saw us, too. She'd lose it!"

"Haha, yeah! We wouldn't want that..." Kendall replied as he forced an ingenuine grin for James' benefit. He was sure this decision would come back to haunt him. Kendall couldn't deny he'd already jeopardized their relationship with the secret he began to keep.

"Well, I'm glad you told me," James breathed, "I was starting to think you were pulling away from me."

"From you? Never." Kendall replied, the strain in his face easing away and melting into a more natural look.

"Good," James purred, pulling Kendall in for an additional kiss with the cupping of his cheeks.

Kendall's face soured at first, his gaze hardening and his eyes still fluttering open. It felt wrong or even dishonest to kiss James under these circumstances. There was a potent taste of distrust and guilt lingering on his breath that Kendall couldn't seem to shake. He furrowed his brows, shut his eyes, and crept his hands up James' chest until he was distracted enough by the kiss to put his thoughts to rest. After all, this problem would go away by itself, right? Kendall could only hope life would spare him the consequences of his actions just this once.