heart palpitations from one of our suppliers calling me
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see the thing about Astarion to me is I don't actually think he has a clue who he actually is beneath all of the everything he's got going on. he's got impulses, he's got drive, a will to live, he's got desires and amusements and cravings, but an actual selfhood?? no. there's a blue error screen where the person of him should be, the person -- whoever that was, I'm personally of the mind he likely wasn't good then either, but we'll see where the story takes us -- before Cazador. the man in front of us today is this mishmash of interior delight at freedom and sunlight but also capable of true unapologetic cruelty and willingness to be ugly in a multitude of ways. so he follows the impulse. he follows what intrigues and amuses, and nothing will take that freedom from him again. and he reflects back onto others the violence that was done unto him. a lack of power kept him down? now he wants to accumulate power, so it can never be turned on him again. but he also misses the sun while he's underground. he's mean and desperate and ruthless and it's interesting because he's unapologetic about it, he's unflinching about it. he's vindictive and mean and desperately floundering around throwing stuff at a wall to see what sticks in terms of personhood because who is he now. 200 years of horrific servitude and now he's just out and about and he's in the mud.
and he can be horrible. and yet when you take the routes of prying open the faaairly shallow veneer he has of smug and snark and snappiness, he'll give you pieces of the raw and the desperate -- "I want to know what the world sees when it looks at me. what you see." is a line you only get if you're earnest with him. any other path in the dialogue will have him continue the shallow persona you've come to know. and in all of that I think nothing is "this is real, this is an act," set in stone because I just don't think he even knows, I don't think he has a CLUE what's his and what's the protective measures and what's the real delight and what's the cruel mockery of his surroundings and what he's willing to give vs what he needs to hide vs what he lets slip out on accident. the inconsistencies in his own ideas and what he says and what he does. I think most everything about him is in a weird place of deeply uncertain. is it a lie? is it a glimmer of truth? for me, I like to interpret him in this weird menagerie of half-truths and shallow lies and omissions, because we've only known him a short while and maybe also he doesn't even know the answer yet. who is he? fuck if HE knows. anyways. smash.
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Under the cut are mostly self-insert doodles of decreasing quality. Again, not much directly tied to Team Fortress 2. Might as well toss these out while I have no access to my puter. Much yapping under the cut and in the tags incoming.
Another self-insert, this time less of a "here's me as a tenth class" and more of a "here's my game experiences translated into the class I would take the place of". The Cleaner. Although I guess they could still be wearing either suit. It doesn't matter that much.
That one Convict's Case taunt with Backup would be extremely funny, because the man would be on the verge of a breakdown (he does not want to go to jail so bad you have no idea). The second image- I owe no explanation. You know what I am. You see the pattern with my favourites.
The duality of the man. Resting face versus "just heard you express interest in religion/Russian folklore" face. He's not that hard to make friends with, when you pull him away from all the explosions.
Some doodles of trying to figure his face out. Unfortunately, the more I stare at him, the more I worry that he looks like A Certain Guy With The Last Name "Kazarin", and the fear of never being original in my life caught up to me.
Don't look at me, don't perceive me, I refuse to explain any of my actions to you.
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Personal headcanon: Only Dick’s siblings & very closest friends can make jokes about his name without it bothering him. Oh, he’ll smile, he’ll laugh, he’ll take it in stride, but it does bother him. The difference is those people he’s okay with have all laid someone out flat with a single punch & zero hesitation for doing the same.
Their teasing is loving. They’ve all called eachother much worse affectionately, and he knows they associate his name more with exasperating affection than actual insults. Nobody else gets to say that.
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cant stop thinking abt that reply to bram's post abt the abusive cluster b parents so just know if u were abused like that, first of all, samesies and it gave me cluster b pds as a result, second of all, i promise no one whos calling for understanding of cluster b ppl is invalidating ur experiences. if u feel like they ARE, i sincerely hope u realise u dont have to have a medical explanation for why others suck. if ur parents sucked, u can just say that, and its freeing, and focusing on behavioural patterns instead of diagnoses (which u most likely dont have access to when it comes to strangers) will allow u to weed out actual bad ppl and keep urself safe(er)
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omg! gay people
have a heishin sketch, also heijis eyes are green to me forever they're not open here but I felt I needed to clarify. Aoyama cannot be trusted with eye colors I have to do them myself
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I had a dream with a pretty neat (yet messy cuz dreams are like that) story that featured yuri in the scale of "this girl is so in love with her boss but hides it in fear of her boss rejecting her so she's just content to be of service to her" and "the boss not knowing what to do with her own feelings towards the girl and also fearing of being rejected by her just kept calling her as "the best friend I've ever had" instead of being outright with it."
Somehow I ended up as an accidental wingman by disguising myself as the girl and when found out I was like: "Oh yeah and... if you're going to confess, can you actually like-- drop the "friend" thing? You're gonna end up in a deep misunderstanding cuz of that." Cuz during the time I was disguised as that girl, the boss was saying some INSANELY sweet things only to end it with "that's why I love you, as a Friend!"
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What is Your OC’s Duality?
I was tagged by @fourlittleseedlings, @direwombat, @corvosattano and @adelaidedrubman to this uquiz, thank you for the tags!
Not tagging anyone because it’s been a while, but this is a cool uquiz and if anyone wants to do it, as ever, consider this an open tag and feel free to @ me with your results!
Deputy Morgan Malone (FC5)
sun and moon
for some you shine just right, and for others you are too much or too little. people either hate seeing you rise over the horizon or pray and send blessing to you like a favorite god. you are timeless and there are not many like you, you who can embody both a burning star and a cratered rock. what i'm trying to say is that your duality compliments itself very well, but not everyone will understand why they can't get what they want from you. it doesn't matter. burn strong when you feel the need, and be gentle in the nights it's called for.
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