#tw discussion of trauma and physical violence

[ultramarine-spirit]

I was reading the novel and this time something caught my attention that I don't know why I had overlooked it before, and that is how Athy talks about her life in the orphanage. Athy says that the children in the orphanage knew things that the children should not know, that she had to fight for what she wanted and that when she left that place she felt a kind of freedom.

To me, that screams abuse.

It bothers me that the fandom so overlooked the fact that Athy was abused not only in her first life (neglect) but also in her second life and I'm sure it must have been hell. I wish the manhwa had put more emphasis on this because many fans overlook Athy's trauma when she is literally the character who suffered the most.

Yes, to me it's canon that Athy was heavily abused in her second life. Adding to what you said, I remember her mentioning having to literally fight for food (a bowl of rice), or how they got a single sad birthday celebration per month. That's also where her initial fixiations with candy, money and her genuine love for studying come from, as Athy herself admits, she never had those kinds of luxuries (she mentions having to eat expired food in a "haha funny" way, but if you think about it for two seconds, it's just tragic. Like, she died from overdosing on sleeping pills to deal with the cold). I know a thing or two about how orphanages operate from my field of work and acquaintances, and kids in those institutions suffer from abuse in all sorts of ways while being completely ignored by society. I'm not from Korea, but going by what Plutus wrote and reading about the subject, the situation seems to be similar or even worse.

If I want to get overanalytical, part of her depression while living alone could be a consequence of the treatment she received at the orphanage. It's super common for kids in those situations to end up with depression, PTSD, having issues forming emotional connections, facing prejudice, etc. It's also canon that she was verbally and physically abused at her workplace. Athy treats her death as an accident, but in my opinion it's implied that it was a suicide, perhaps not in an "active way", but her behavior was edging the line. Which is again, common for people with that background. I think this plot point is interesting, as to my knowledge suicide is a taboo subject in East Asia. Most manhwas don't have their FL reincarnate after that.

I get what you mean, that part of Athy's trauma is often overlooked, but it probably has to do with most people not reading the novel and with Athy herself not really acknowledging it. She mentions her life as Lee Jihye at the beginning of the story, and then very rarely brings it up. But if anything, that's pretty consistent with how Athy deals with her trauma and negative emotions, refusing to acknowledge they exist until their weight is too heavy for her to endure. I like this piece of characterization a lot, but it leaves us with many questions that are hard to answer when Athy herself doesn't remember or actively tries to forget the trauma from her past lives. You could draw some parallels with Lucas and Claude's respective ways of dealing with trauma, loss and trying to forget (but Athy's mindset is more healthy and not so self-destructive lol).

Also yes, to me Athy is the character that has suffered the most by far. Not like this is a competition, but *gestures at LP* and the fact that she was a working class woman in Korea while the other characters (sans Lucas and Diana, I guess) are and always have been rich aristocrats in pseudo-France says enough /hj.

[fangsandfracturedhearts]

Fangs and Fractured Hearts

Chapter 13: The Fallacy of Power

Summary: After embracing eternity as a vampire spawn under Astarion's wing, the Crimson Palace becomes a haunting symbol of the man he once was. As his personality unravels into a dark abyss, you flee. A year of hardship unveils the harsh reality of existence as a vampire spawn.

Just as all hope seems lost, a twist of fate reunites you with Astarion, revealing a glimmer of hope amidst the shadows. As you navigate the complexities of your relationship, you must confront the unsettling truth behind the Rite of Profane Ascension and the devilish secrets it holds.

In a race against time, you embark on a daring quest to save Astarion from his descent into darkness. With each choice you make, the stakes grow higher, testing the limits of your courage and determination.

Will Astarion find redemption, or is he destined to succumb to his own inner turmoil?

Word Count: 6.5k

Pairing: Ascended Astarion x female!Tav Spawn

Warnings: [Will try to continue to add more, but in general expect explicit content for mature audiences]

Possible spoilers. Eventual Explicit Content. Slow Burn. Thoughts of Suicide. Violence. Blood. Injury. Mature Content. Self-Harm. Mentions of in-game content. Completely fabricated camp events. Mentions of Astarion's Trauma.

If you notice a very critical tag missing, please don't hesitate to let me know

Rating: Explicit 18+ - [Meant For Mature Audience]

TW: Astarion's past abuse under Cazador is mentioned/visited in this chapter.

She has been cold and withdrawn since their discussion when he refused to say what she wanted to hear. She avoids him if possible and ignores him unless he directly speaks to her. When she walks around the manor, she is like a phantom gliding, lifeless and vacant, the ghost of a ship long ago wrecked at sea that still wanders the waters wayward with no purpose. So far, he’s left her alone in her misery. Should he be trying to cheer her up? His heart tells him he should, but his head tells him it’s unbecoming of the Vampire Ascendant to postulate himself in such a way. He should not have to seek her attention. She should give it to him willingly. If she wishes to wallow in her desolation, so be it.

He’s missed her in their bed, against his skin, and on his lips. Her silence is as deep as demise and simultaneously deafening. He misses her laughter, happy giggles, and his name on her tongue in her sweet, musical voice. Hells, he would even take a scolding from her right now as long as she’s speaking and more expressive than this wall of dysphoria. He will take anything but this pale apparition of surrender and hopelessness. He’s tried to goad her into arguments if only to get a rise from her, but she does as he requests without question, challenge, or emotion.

She wants a real relationship, but what does that mean to him? What kind of relationship is he capable of giving her? That presence in his head bids him to control, claim, and make her belong to him with or without her consent. It encourages him to give the command to make it so. The Vampire Ascendant does not request love - he simply fucking takes it because he is entitled to it. He is entitled to have anything and everything he wants, including her.

No.

There his thoughts go again, getting away from him, towing him down like quicksand. He must be careful not to let himself be cast down that ungodly rabbit hole. He may not get the chance to surface. Astarion’s hands rack over his face and through his hair. He needs the physical sensation that often interrupts the slow descent into madness.

Astarion. He reminds himself. I am Astarion.

She does not acknowledge his presence when he enters the library. Her sullen eyes are moored to the book lying in her lap, and she flips the pages idly. She did not even bother to light any of the candles, scones or oil lamps. She sits in the shadows like a lone lily, white and fair, against a pond reflecting dusk.

He clears his throat to get her attention, “I need you to attend my business meeting with me today. It may put you in a position where you are… uncomfortable, but I will be there to protect and stop you if needed.”

She closes the book, staring straight vacantly, not bothering to look at him. Her voice is as whisper quiet as a catatonic echo, “You’re taking me to a business meeting?”

“Yes,” he replies softly, making his voice as warm as a summer day as if he could warm her with it. “I need my consort by my side.”

“I am not your consort, Astarion,” she shakes her head with a despondent expression. She is so cold it makes him shiver. He’s used to flames veritably leaping off her tongue when she speaks. This... He has never witnessed this in her, but he recognizes it. This is how he was when he all but gave up after a few lashings, “I will go with you if you need me, but I am not your consort.”

Please, don’t give up on me... just yet.

“If you do not like the word consort, that is fine,” he crouches and takes her hand. It remains limp, and she still does not look at him. Astarion gently cradles her cheek and walks her eyes to him. They seem to look through him instead of at him, and his heart seizes in his chest. “Tell me what you would prefer. Partner? Girlfriend? Soulmate? Bride? Hells, wife? Just tell me what you want me to say. Please.”

The words scour his tongue like steel wool. Can his spawn truly be his partner, girlfriend or… Good Gods, he said wife, didn’t he? Where in the Hells did that come from, and why does the notion fill him with genuine joy? Will he be able to see her as an equal? He is the Vampire Ascendant… No one is his equal, and no one could ever be. But he is also Astarion. Which him does he want to be? Does he even have a choice?

He stares at her, trying to discern how he views her. When he looks at her, does he see an equal? Or does he see his spawn, his puppet, his favourite little toy to play with? He views both versions in parallel spaces of his mind. He cannot ascertain which one is him and which is the Vampire Ascendant.

“Consort. Partner. Girlfriend. Soulmate. Bride. Wife,” she repeats hollowly as if she’s saying the words without thinking about them, just a recording being played back, “None of them because we are none of those.”

“Perhaps not yet,” he retorts with a plea clinging to his voice. “You said you want something real, and I agreed to try and give you just that. Let me try.”

“Are you capable of love,” she whispers, eyes drifting down to the floor.

“I… don’t know,” he admits, rubbing the back of his neck. “You’re view of what love is may differ from mine, but perhaps we can meet in the middle?”

“When do we leave?” She asks dryly and slips her hand out of his, “And what do I wear?”

“I had something made for you,” he smirks. “It’s in your room. Wear it or don’t. The choice is yours.”

“You’re giving me a choice?”

"Darling," he drawls in an unemotional infection, “I admittedly do not know much about relationships, but I don’t think forcing you to wear something would be very… nice. You are free to dress yourself in whatever you wish.”

“What if I decide I wish to wear a burlap sack?”

“Well…” he cringes. Gods. He would not put it past her doing just that to prove a point. Would he let her do that? Could he? His skin crawls just thinking about it. “You would look very foolish, but if anyone can pull it off, it’s you.”

Hells below, he hopes she does not wear a sack.

Truthfully, he does want to control what she wears, where she goes, and even how she does her hair and makeup, but he does not understand why he is so drawn to it. He does not recall feeling the need to be so controlling when he was a spawn. He must quell those desires and untoward thoughts if he has any hope of showing her that he can be what she wants and needs.

Because he needs her…

He’s almost afraid to look when she walks down the hall, scared she’s going to see if he truly means what he said, but he’s elated to see she decided to wear the ensemble he had fashioned. An extravagant, high-necked navy-blue robe with delicate golden lace sleeves and a bodice embellished with dragon wings with gleaming rose-gold scales to match hers.

His coat is very close, except it is raven black, inlaid with deep purple and golden embroidered dragons revolving around his arms. His chest is embellished with dragon wings expanding across the breast.

“Dragons?” Her hand glides down the breast of his coat, “I thought you were fonder of bats.”

“It seems I have become rather smitten with dragons as of late,” he winks. He feigns puzzlement, bringing his finger to his lips, “I wonder why.”

She gives him some semblance of a smile. It’s the first time he’s seen any emotion in days. It fades quickly, and her face is once again a smooth plane of vacancy.

“What do you mean I will be uncomfortable?” She mutters, eyes fixed straight ahead as if looking at him pains her like staring directly at the sun. “You promised you would not put me in a situation I cannot handle.”

“And I won’t. You have my word.” He bows slightly, “There will be people around. If you need to leave, you say the word, and we will go. You know I could compel you not to feel that hunger…”

She scowls at him and hisses, “Do it, and I will walk out that door. I will not return.”

Well, even anger is better than emptiness.

“It is just an offer,” he nods curtly with his hands up. “I would not do it without your expressed permission. Shall we go?”

You follow Astarion, twisting down alleys and paths in the Lower City. You refuse to hold his hand and are attempting to use pure willpower to ignore all the tasty citizens scurrying about. They smell good, and it’s making your mouth water. No matter how much you eat, bloodlust is insatiable, unquenchable and never fully slumbers. There’s always this stitch in your side and a dryness to your throat that will not ebb. When you smell blood, you are immediately starved, and your stomach pinches in your belly. It could easily send you into hysterics. Astarion always keeps a close eye, sticking by your side and matching your pace instead of his usual elongated strides.

You recognize the alley with the guards and the secret door, “The guild?”

“The very one,” he nods with a cunning smirk.

“Lord Ancunin,” the guard bows low and stiff. “I see you have brought a guest.”

“Lady Ancunin,” Astarion drawls, confident and poised. If your heart was beating, it would surely have skipped beats and possibly stopped. “She is to be treated with the same respect as I. You are to follow her orders as you would follow mine. Is that clear?”

“So you command, so shall it be,” the guard bows low before you. “Lady Ancunin.”

You stare detached past the guard, barely noticing the reverent display before you. A welcome numbness has incorporated itself into your psyche. You felt so much, and now you feel nothing. You’re not sure which is worse.

“Come,” Astarion gestures to the stairs.

The Guildhall has been rebuilt with more extravagance. The walkways are now properly constructed and far less shabby looking with richly coloured wood. It is organized, not the haphazard mess you remember. There are so many hearts beating the chant of life. Their blood smells like Elysian fields teeming with ichor blossoms. Pressing your eyes shut, you try to tune out the thump, thump, thump assaulting your ears. You clutch Astarion’s hand and squeeze as hard as you can.

Yes, this will be a challenge.

Astarion senses your apprehension and squeezes your hand reassuringly, “We can leave whenever you want. I do not have to be here long.”

“You operate the Guild now?”

“Yes and no,” he grins, devilish and handsome enough to make you melt despite your discomfort. “Nine Fingers still handles the mundane day-to-day. You know I have never been a details person.”

“How did this come about?”

“Simple,” he smiles wolfish and sly. His eyes glint mischievously. “If you know the right people to coerce, anything can be taken. Grease a few palms here, blackmail some merchants there. You know how it is.”

“Coerce or kill?”

“Well, negotiations don’t always go as planned,” he chuckles with a cavalier shrug. “But I do not go around killing everyone, just those who need killing anyway. Gods. What do you think of me? I’ve been manipulating people for 200 years. This was hardly a challenge.”

“Ah, Lord Ancunin,” Nine Fingers strides up with a tight look as if she’s working hard not to frown. “How nice of you to bless us with your presence. I do not believe we have a meeting scheduled for today.”

“I’m here to make sure you’re running my,” Astarion accentuates the word with a low, threatening growl, “Guild befittingly. I received reports of your idiot pickpockets getting caught by the authorities and inconsistent yields. Do I need to appoint someone more suitable for such a role?”

“Lord Ancunin,” Nine Fingers snickers, and you wonder how he hasn’t killed this one yet. She was always snarky. “The pickpockets have been dealt with. They did not even make it to prison. As for the yields, I’m looking into it. You will not find anyone more proficient at running your guild than I.”

Astarion and Nine Fingers continue to talk business. Boring. You walk away, down the stairs and watch the people flitting about, ledgers in hand, counting shipments of what looks like silk from Cormyr and imported liquor. Others with clearly stolen pieces of art and other antiquities. The bottom of that cesspool pit has been cleaned up, and it appears new tunnels have been put in place, with more still being constructed.

You catch bits and pieces of a conversation between a short, rotund man in a burgundy coat speaking about a shipment being lost or damaged. Leaning on a railing, you watch the conversation play out with a shrewd eye for a while before you make your way over there. The closer you get to people, the harder it is to control yourself, but you’re getting better.

You sit close to the conversation so you can listen and watch. Nine Fingers sits beside you, “I remember you. Jaheria’s friend, right?” she gives you a scrutinizing once over and then her eyes finally settle on yours. “I remember you being much more… alive the last time you were here. The lords doing, I presume.”

“I wanted it,” you growl through your clenched jaw. “There is nothing further to discuss on it.”

“I’ve seen his little compulsion trick,” she says sourly. “It’s not a stretch to believe-“

You cut her off by grabbing her by the neck and pushing her up against a support beam. The rhythmical pulsing of her vein is felt on the pads of your fingers. Good Gods, you are tempted to take a nibble. Just a little sip...

No. You throw her away from you before you lose your precarious control.

“Watch your tongue,” you snarl, baring your teeth. “I am just as deadly as the lord.”

“Deadlier even.” Astarion chuckles, leaning close to your ear, “Are you okay?”

“I’m managing…” you whisper. Raising your voice, you point to the man, “Who is that?”

“A local merchant. He caters to the aristocracy.” Astarion arches a brow, “Why?”

“You were talking about inconsistent yields,” you watch the man circumspective, who now stares at you wide-eyed. “I think you will find he is the reason for some or all of your inconsistencies.” You sneer at the little fleshy liar, “Won’t we?"

“No,” Nine Fingers interjects. “That can’t be. He’s been working with the Guild for many years and is well-known and respected by the patriars. He’s an invaluable asset.”

“Silence!” Astarion orders brusquely, making her flinch. “Your superiors are having a discussion.” Astarion’s fingers come to his chin. “Go on, darling. How do you know?”

“His speech pattern is all over the place. He does not make direct eye contact. He’s fidgeting nervously. I can hear his heartbeat kick up from here every time he has to alter his story, and he’s sweating like a pig,” you smirk. You are good at this, and it feels natural. You give the man a grin as you virtually hear his heart sink, “You are a terrible liar. I think you’ve picked the wrong business.”

“Well,” Astarion cocks his head while watching the man as sweat rains down his face, “Let’s find out, shall we?” He points at the rotund traitor, “You. Come here.”

“Y-yes, Lord Ancunin.”

Astarion hauls the man into the air by his coat with an eerily cordial smile, “You’ve been stealing from me. Come clean now, and I will consider allowing you to keep your pathetic life.”

You expected to hear the anger in Astarion’s voice, but it’s matter-of-fact and impassive.

“My lord,” the man’s eyes widen, and his feet kick uselessly in the air. “I would never dream of it. Honest!”

Astarion’s eyes glow that wicked crimson of compulsion, and he brings the man close to his face, “You will tell me the truth. How long have you been stealing?”

The man’s eyes become glossy as the red tendrils of compulsion twist around him and into his mind. His body becomes limp. “I will tell the truth.” He repeats hollowly. “I have been skimming off the top for years. I misconstrue reported earnings and inventory, record shipments as lost or damaged and keep them for myself.”

The man continues spewing his transgressions, and you can see the rage start building in Astarion.

“That wasn’t so hard. Was it?” Astarion smiles manically. His eyes start to flash as he draws his dagger.

You put your hand on his shoulder, “Astarion…” You soothe and request the connection with his mind. You do not want to undermine him, but you need him to stay in control. He opens it, and you wince at the pain that splits through your head. It feels as if your skull has been cracked open. You push through it and roll your thoughts over the bridge, “His death will not gain you anything, Astarion. Hold onto yourself.”

His muscles strain under your fingers, and sweat starts to sheen his skin, but he answers in your thoughts, “His death would serve as a reminder to these insolent fucks that no one betrays the Vampire Ascendant and lives.”

“Astarion, please.”

“I am the Vampire Ascendant!” He bellows in your head so hard you wonder if your ears are bleeding, leaking your brain matter.

“Is that all you are? Is that your entire identity?”

He growls viciously aloud, snarling and turning his head to look at you with violence humming in his flickering eyes. With a pained grunt, Astarion throws the man on the ground and hisses, “Leave. If I ever see you in my city again, I will kill you and your family.”

Astarion whirls, taking your chin roughly in his fingers, bringing his mouth to yours, savage and hungry, with enough force to split and bruise your lips. You can hear that tittering in his head, straining against his control, trying to claim him. It bites like a serrated blade at your mind, and Astarion tries to close the connection to save you from that pain, but you rue against it.

“Don’t,” you think. “I can be your light. I can help you, but you have to let me.”

His fingers curl into your hair, and his tongue laps at the blood smeared across your lips, sucking on the cut gently. Your fingers caress the back of his neck. You’re not exactly sure how you do it, but as if on instinct, you flood Astarion with every iota of your love, light and fire into his psyche, upending the darkness and silencing his demons.

His body relaxes. His fingers no longer grip aggressively but embrace, and he breaks the kiss, resting his forehead on yours as he pants. As your senses return to you, so does the angelic chorus of beating hearts and the enticing smell of blood, and you clench your jaw as your stomach does cartwheels in your abdomen. Your fingernails incise your palm.

“I’ve got you, my treasure.” Astarion interlocks his fingers with yours to stop you. “Hold onto me.”

Astarion turns to Nine Fingers. She’s staring at you with a speculatively arched brow, “We will be taking our leave now. I expect to see improved totals on your subsequent report, or we will have a very unpleasant discussion, and if any more pickpockets get caught, you will not be calling yourself Nine Fingers any longer. Is that clear?”

“Yes, Lord Ancunin,” she nods curtly with a twisted mouth and narrowed eyes. “Do bring your spawn along more often. She is incredibly useful, it seems.”

Astarion roars, slamming Nine Fingers against a wooden column, splitting it. He bellows when he speaks, making sure everyone can hear him, “No one is to call her “spawn.” If I hear anyone utter that word in reference to her, I will hang them from the rafters by their intestines while they still draw breath.” Astarion looks around with a frightening scowl, verifying everyone is paying attention, “She is my right hand, and you will treat her with due respect. Any orders from her should be treated as if they are coming from me directly.”

“Astarion,” you whimper, scratching lacerations into the top of your hand to keep yourself grounded. “I need to go.”

He releases Nine Fingers, spins and grabs your hand. He keeps a tight hold on you until you’re back in the alley. He orders the guards to stand further away. You sprint to the dead end and grip a fence as hard as you can, taking in large gasps of air to try and quiet the bloodlust ravaging your mind, bullying you into mania. Astarion’s hands come to the rail on either side of you, caging you in with his chest pressed against your back.

“You did well in there,” he purrs. “Controlling the bloodlust.”

“You could have warned me that I would want to eat everyone with a beating heart,” you groan, leaning into him.

“I suppose I could have been a tad more forthcoming,” he chuckles, kissing the top of your head. “To be fair, I was a young spawn centuries ago. It’s not exactly fresh in my mind.”

“How did you learn to control it?” you sigh. You’re falling into him again, slipping into that blissful completeness that melts that icy numbness keeping you sane.

There’s a quiver of torment that dithers across the harmony. “Cazador…” he starts, spoken with a desolate undertone. He folds his arms around you, holding you close, and he trembles, “Cazador would starve me and then have people stand in the kennels while I was chained or caged. He would cut them, small at first, but gradually worse. They would get progressively closer. If I made a move or lost control in any way, I would be punished. Severely.” He pauses with a sigh, and his brows turn down at the sides. “I lost control a lot.”

By the Gods. You would not have been able to understand how torturous that would be without being a vampire yourself. Bloodlust hurts, a physical pain that progressively gets steadily worse until you are nothing but a writhing, rabid animal with no semblance of sentience.

“Astarion…” you turn to him, wrapping your arms around him. “That’s… Gods, there are no words. I’m so sorry.”

“Come,” he clears his throat, uncomfortable with the emotion as if he does not believe he deserves your empathy. “Let’s go home.”

“Thank you for telling me.” You murmur, hoping you’re not overstepping, “About… him. I know you don’t like to talk about it.”

“Partners talk about this type of stuff openly, yes?”

“I…” you balk at the question. It seems so out of character for him. You expected him to ignore you or scold you for bringing it up further. “I suppose they do, but-“

“Yes,” he cuts you off. “I know what we aren’t. You keep reminding me every chance you get. You requested real and real you shall have. I never wanted you to see that side of me.” Astarion sighs and looks at the setting sun reverently, his face softening, a glimpse of his former self, “Cazador is no longer an off-limits topic for you.”

What?

Can you trust him not to fly into a blind rage when you speak of his former self, the pathetic spawn he is so genuinely disgusted with? Perhaps this is not the time to test the limits of this newfound freedom.

“Lady Ancunin?” You quirk a brow at him. “That’s not my name.”

“Not as of yet, it’s not,” his arm wraps around your waist, and a smile flashes over his face like wintry sunshine. He whispers, “You bear my name beautifully, my love.”

Your eyelashes flutter open, and you’re shocked to be in the familiar halls of the Crimson Palace, but it does not appear as you remember it. Everything is washed in a drab sepia tone, and you blink, trying to clear your vision. The walls and floors appear to wave as if they are an illusion. Servants blink in and out of existence as they flit around. You try to walk in the way of them, waving your arms to get their attention, but they pay you no heed, blinking out and reappearing behind you.

A scream you would recognize anywhere reverberates through the ghostly halls, shrill and bone-chilling.

Astarion…

You sprint toward the sound, descending the dark staircase two or three steps at a time that appears to end in a black well of nothingness. You’re trying to grip the weave and call on your magic, but when you reach for it, you find nothing but a yawning void where it should be. Staring at your palm, you shake it, confused, as you burst into the hall leading to the spawn quarters. Another cry echoes. You forget about your lack of magic as horror grips your heart, and you sprint around the corner and halt dead in your tracks.

Astarion stands in the hallway. He’s hunched over with hands pressed against the doorframe as he stares distantly into the room before him - the kennels. He is the only thing in undulled, vivid colour. It’s a stark contrast to the atmosphere of mousy undertones.

“Astarion?”

He jolts, whirling and staring at you with a disoriented tangle of sorrow and perplexity. His jaw tightens, and his eyes shift quickly from side to side, “No,” he mutters, shaking his head, “No, this isn’t right. You would not have been here.”

“What’s going on?” You sputter, voice breaking. “I don’t understand.”

Another strident shriek. You are stirred into action, dashing down the hall at full speed. Astarion’s eyes widen as he gauges your target, and he takes long steps to cut you off. His arm wraps around your waist, hauling you backward from the open doorway.

“No, darling,” he coos, trying to swath his voice in velvet. “You don’t want to go in there. Please, trust me on this.”

“What?” You’re panicked, clawing at him, trying to push his arms away. “I can’t just stand here! Let me go!”

“You can’t help him… Me. You can’t help me.” Astarion rasps. His eyes are sad, but he tries to smile. “This is long over and done. It’s a memory - my memory.”

Anguished wailing reverberates, making the walls appear to shudder. You can’t take it, you can’t fucking take it, and you push out of Astarion’s arms and charge into the kennels.

The scene that greets you makes tears instantly flow down your cheeks, and you can’t help but dry heave as your stomach shoots into your throat.

“That’s right, my boy.” Cazador snickers, compulsion glowing in his eyes, tendrils stirring the air. “Sing those sweet, sweet cries for me.”

You try to grab Cazador, screaming in anguish, but your hand swishes straight through the apparition. Arms come around your waist, hauling you up and out of the room while you reach and clamber, trying to do something. Anything.

Astarion sets you down, folding his arms around you, “Shhh, little love,” he purrs. “It will be alright.”

“Astarion,” you sob, knees quaking. Astarion braces you against himself, “What in the Hells is happening?”

“I’m not entirely sure. We are tranced, in the manor, I think. This... it already happened long ago. So long, I cannot even recall the colours anymore.”

His thumb clears the rivulets of tears storming down your cheeks so sweetly, like the whisper of a fairy dream. His eyes, so intensely crimson, are doting, inviting you to get lost in them.

Another soul-crushing outcry discharges from the room, and you can’t help but scream with him. Astarion firmly but gently places his hands over your ears, trying to provide you amnesty from the howling cries.

You lean into him and beg, tugging on his clothes, “Make it stop, Astarion. Good Gods. Make it stop. Please. I can’t… I can’t… Wake us up.”

“I’m trying,” he breathes faintly, pressing harder on your ears as another jarring yowl rolls over you, and you start slipping to the floor in a puddle of sorrow.

Everything dissolves around you, turning black and silent, and you’re pitched into a bottomless void that makes your stomach lurch.

You thrash in your bed, convulsing so violently that you throw yourself to your hands and knees on the floor with a discordant shriek. Your bedsheets and clothes are soddened with sweat, the delicate fabric clinging to your body, and you tremble so turbulently that you can barely push yourself to your feet.

You blink rapidly, trying to see through the distortion caused by unshed tears. Your chest heaves in quick, rapid breaths as you sprint into the hallway. Astarion is already running toward you, and you slam into his arms as your legs give way.

“It’s okay,” he comforts you with a soft, deep baritone, a salve to your pain. “Everything is alright.”

Your mind sees that gruesome vision, a ghostly layer veiling the man before you. Your stomach twists and knots. Saliva floods your mouth. Pushing out of his hold, you scramble away as far as you can, and your liquid dinner is a sanguine spill spreading across the floor. Astarion holds your hair back and rubs your back as you continue to dry heave between your rapid breaths.

“I’m sorry,” you choke out between sobs.

“It is I who should be sorry,” he sits on the chaise, beckoning you into his arms. You curl up in his lap once the wave of nausea eases, desperate to be close to him. Astarion strokes your arm, “I left the connection open. I did not know you could get transported into my dreams. I will not make that mistake again.”

You look up, cupping his cheek in your palm and searching his eyes. That beautiful face is calm and carpeted with earnest affection but otherwise unfazed while he sweeps strands of your hair behind your ear, “Are you okay?”

“My sweet, sweet girl,” he kisses your palm. “I have relived many of my memories hundreds of times over. There are only a few that truly disturb me anymore. Thank you for asking, but I am fine.”

“Okay...” you breathe deeply, unsure if your mind can accept how undaunted he is. The last remnants of your weeping shudder through your body, “I’ll clean that up.”

Pushing yourself away from him is a monumental task. He is warm like sunshine and comforting like darkness. You hate him a little for being so… him.

“Will you come to bed?” Astarion looks at you longingly. “ Our bed, I mean.”

“No.”

“When are you going to stop punishing me?” He laments, following you while you grab a rag and bucket of soapy water from the rarely used kitchen.

“I’m not punishing you for anything, Astarion.”

“Bullshit.” He exclaims sourly. “Do not think me blind. You’ve been ignoring and avoiding me purposefully. I- I miss you.” Astarion’s arms fall limp at this side, “Tell me how to make it right.”

You hand Astarion a cup, “Break this.”

His brows pinch as he turns the cup over and over. He looks at you, confused, but throws it to the floor, shattering it. “What was the point of that?”

“Now, fix it.”

“I have many mind-blowing abilities,” he stares at the shattered pieces strewn across the floor, brows pinched. “Fixing broken goblets is not one of them.”

“Because not everything can be fixed."

You start wiping up your sick in the tense muteness between you and Astarion. He sits on the chaise, just watching with a grief-stricken expression that makes you want to weep.

“I can run up walls, walk upside down on ceilings, turn into a bat and mist, among other things. All this power…” A low laugh rumbles in his chest, crestfallen and mournful. “All this fucking power,” he clenches his fists, craning his head to look up at the ceiling, “and I still cannot have the one thing in the world I want most.” He sighs, shaking his head. Astarion cocks his head to look at you and smiles bleakly, “Sleep tight, my love.”

Astarion disappears into his room, and you bite your tongue to stifle your crying. After you’ve finished cleaning up and are back in your bed, you toss restlessly. How long will this harrowing purgatory go on? You take deep breaths, but it does not even begin to fill the void in your chest. You are fragmented without him in your head or against your skin. As if you’re soul has deformed, warped and splintered into a mangled husk.

This is why you’ve been avoiding Astarion. His words tear your heart open, dissect it, and then you must stitch yourself up anew. How many times can your chest be torn open and your heart ripped to pieces before the scarps are too small to glue back together?

I don’t care.

I don’t care.

I don’t care.

Who the fuck am I kidding?

In the hall, you jump at the sight of Astarion halfway up the long corridor. He halts, and you stare at each other in reticence. His hair is a disarrayed jumble of soft silver curls. The moonlight streaming in from the windows brilliantly sets the ivory skin of his bared chest aglow. His shoulders are slumped in a disconsolate stature you’re not used to seeing on him. The iron countenance and steely confidence he oozes are absent.

“Love,” he whispers wearily. “Lay with me tonight.” Astarion gestures toward himself, splaying his hand on his bare chest. Desperation clings to his voice, “Be with me. We can workshop the details as we go.”

“Tell me you love me,” you say, moon-eyed, lips quivering.

“I-I,” he pauses. Anticipation clenches your heart in your chest. Please, you think, please just fucking say it so we can stop playing this game. You think he just might until he grimaces. “I can’t.”

“No. Of course, you can’t,” you mewl. You wrap yourself in your comfortable cloak of numbness to preserve your sanity, “Because how could you love a lowly spawn like my good self?”

He does not answer, and that is answer enough.

You’re crouched low in a dark alley, skulking around in the shadows in the Lower City. Astarion went out to deal with some business you were not invited to, so you’ve taken the chance to survey the tavern you last saw that purple-haired bitch at - Elowyn. Your intuition tells you she has something to do with the Gur attacks, regardless of Astarion’s assurances that she’s harmless. The earth-shatteringly handsome man can be blinded by his overconfidence at times.

You’re not sure what Astarion will do if he gets home and you’re nowhere to be found, but you left him a note saying you went for a walk. He probably won’t tear the city apart looking for you. You’re not a caged bird. You can come and go as you please.

... Right?

You’re about to give up for the night when you see her. She glances out the tavern doors, askant, surveying her surroundings before pulling up her hood and slinking down the street. Elowyn takes an oddly winding route, up and down dark alleys and paths, often doubling back. She strolls confidently but takes acute notice of her surroundings. She is practiced and methodical in the way she observes. You should have eaten her when she cornered you with her singsong voice and dainty little face, spewing filth and lies. Maybe you should eat her now…

No, no. You can eat her after you figure out what she’s up to. You smile sadistically at the promise to yourself, licking your lips. You will eat her when you’ve ascertained how she means to harm your master.

Gods. Where did that thought come from?

Elowyn turns abruptly down a side street. Casting Misty Step, you appear on a roof, crouch at the edge and watch her intently. She walks up and down the pathway, looking in all directions except up, much to your delight.

Hardly anyone looks up.

She leans down and opens the entrance to the sewers, climbing down and replacing the cover. The sewers… You fucking hate the sewers. It’s the last place you want to follow her, but nothing can deter you.

This place is a maze of tunnels and run-offs. It’s an arduous task to track her with any degree of certainty. The rayless, glum passageways look similar, but you glimpse her here and there. Her course is consistent with the streets above as she makes arbitrary turns left and right, retracing her steps before continuing. It makes you question if she spotted you and is just taking you on a wild goose chase for shits and giggles, but it’s doubtful. There is purpose in Elowyn’s steps, even if you’re not quite able to understand it yet.

Elowyn steps onto the wooden platform, pulls the lever, and floats up the nauseating river of excrement and contamination. You recognize the area she is going to by smell alone. She’s heading into the lowest floors of the ruined temple under the Crimson Palace. You frown. You’ve been all through those lower, ravaged corridors.

You used to try and hide from Astarion down there, but he always found you. You shudder at the memories of playing some sick, twisted version of hide and seek, where the consequences were more dire than being tagged “it.”

What could be down there that’s of any interest to her? Does Astarion know? Is that where he set the Drow up to do her assessments? Unlikely. He would not want Araj that close to home.

There’s a barely perceptible shift in the atmosphere. The chilled air starts to warm unnaturally, embers floating around. Your skin prickles as the hair on the back of your neck and arms rises. You smell the smoky stench and pollution of sulphur crawling through the air. It stings your nostrils, twisting in the back of your nose and down your throat, choking you. A liquid black maw opens in the stone before your feet, and the inky, viscid silhouette emerges from the gaping orifice, taking shape and wings stretching with a boastful flare.

You jump backward, filling yourself with the Weave, heating your palms and skin with spells dancing on your fingertips and primed on your tongue.

“Darling,” a toothy grin greets you. “Now, now, Sorceress. Put those spells of yours to rest. Is that any way to greet an old friend?”

“Mizora.”  

Big thank you for everyone who takes the time to read/reblog/comment, and all the other magnificent things. As always, I hope you enjoy this, darlings!

AO3 [Crossposted]

Master List of Chapters: Fangs and Fractured Hearts

If you're interested I write another fic with Spawn Astarion x Tav called - Shadows of the Past

Small Notes:

It's never a good sign when Mizora shows up. We are getting into the thick of it now :)

[aria-ashryver]

SAAM2024 - SA Awareness Month

TW: SA, discussions around rape and sexual violence

Listen, I’m going to talk about something it isn’t easy or fun to talk about. I’m going to try and get a point across, and hopefully have it amount to something legible, because I am already feeling my body physically reacting with symptoms of stress.

I want to talk about sexual assault.

Did you know that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month? And has been, for the last 23 years? Because I sure didn’t! Which is wild, considering I am a survivor of six separate incidents of sexual assault, two of which were penetrative rape.

I looked up the SAAM2024 hashtag and found crickets. Because who the hell wants to talk about sexual violence and rape on a random Thursday, right?

The thing is, we need to be having these conversations.

Of course, the onus isn’t on survivors to start the conversation — who would ask someone who is horrifically traumatised to open those scars again and talk about their trauma? I couldn’t even say the word “rape” for years.

[note: I have chosen not to censor the word rape here as a part of my own recovery process. Its just a word. I refuse to let it incite terror. Its just a word. ]

So who, then? If we could all talk about sex and sexual assault —if these were topics of conversation that weren’t so taboo to discuss— we could begin to take steps to make things safer for ourselves and for others.

So here I am, talking.

I feel it is important to destigmatise sex as this hush hush topic; it’s important to be able to discuss safe sex, consent, to differentiate what is just “bad sex” from what is assault. People are often quick to brush off encounters that give them the ick as just “bad sex”.

I was no different.

At sixteen, I didn’t have the terminology to describe what happened to me as rape. In a culture that glamorises illicit affairs and drunken hook-ups at parties, I didn’t have the comprehension to realise that what happened to me was not some sexy, drunken, desirable thing.

[trigger warning for more context around the first of my rapes]

I had been at a party, celebrating the wrap of my high school’s theatre production. I had been drinking underage and was extremely drunk*.

(*which in no way excuses what happened to me — it is important to take steps to dismantle rape culture and victim-blaming.)

There was a classmate I had been on a few dates with, and though we had been handsy during makeout sessions a few times, we had never discussed having sex. He offered to pick me up from the party, to give me a place to stay for the night. He had not been in attendance at the party, and was completely sober. By the time he drove us both home, I was already intermittently blacking out.

I have only a few memories of that night. One, crystal clear even to this day — a concerned classmate, grabbing my arm as I was heading out of the venue. The look of alarm on his face as he asked if I had a safe means of transport home. I lied to him. I have no idea why. I told him my mother was waiting in the vehicle that had just pulled up, and he let me go.

The next memory that I have is of his bedroom ceiling. A vague, blurred outline of his unclothed body over mine, as he was raping me.

Yes, we had been at that tentative, early stage of a potential relationship. Yes, I had taken him up on the offer to go to sleep at his house.

But, in the state I was in, there is no possible way I could have consented to sex.

I knew something was wrong, afterwards. I knew I spent the next night curled in a ball, sobbing in the shower for a reason. I knew there was a reason I froze up when a friend side-eyed me at school the following Monday, and said “you had sex with him, didn’t you?”. What I didn’t understand was that the reason was because I had been raped.

Because I didn’t have the vocabulary to describe my experience as such.

Because people don’t like to talk about sexual assault.

But we need to talk about sexual assault.

Conversations about sex can and should be removed from the concept of arousal. You can and should talk about sex without it being labelled as horny, or flirty, or suggestive — because it is just another topic to learn about.

Sex is an intricately nuanced thing that can mean so many different things to so many different people. There are elements of shame and embarrassment around sexual encounters sometimes; young and naive as I was, I was ready to take my crawling feelings of shame, self-blame, disgust, and put them down to “it was just bad sex”.

It wasn’t until long after the horror of my second, more violent rape, that I was able to pinpoint some of the trauma responses as being the same as that first time. There were patterns there, feelings that, had I been in a position of knowing more about safe sex and consent, I would have recognised sooner for what they were.

Its all well and good to go “hey! Don’t rape people!” and pat yourself on the back for your activism.

But the thing is, that kind of does sweet fuck all to actually help people who are at risk of experiencing sexual violence. What we really need is to take actionable steps toward improving people’s sexual safety and practises around consent and safe sex.

So what does that look like?

We talk about sex and consent without stigma.

We believe survivors and do not victim-blame

We practice respecting other people’s bodily autonomy in everyday scenarios, before it ever reaches a sexual context — if someone doesn’t want to hug you, respect their autonomy! If someone tells you to stop tickling them, even though they are laughing, hey, guess what? Respect their autonomy!

We remember what consent looks like, and take steps to inform others — consent is always clear, continuous, coercion-free, and conscious.

We make it second nature to take basic steps toward safety — never leave a drink unattended at a party! Stick to a buddy system to ensure people get home safe! Not because you suspect something will happen, it's just a default behaviour!

Be that classmate that tries to stop a drunk person walking out into the night alone.

The more we do these kinds of things, the less mystical and nebulous this whole “safe sex and healthy consent” thing becomes, and the safer we all are for it.

I’m gonna cut myself off here for my own wellbeing, as this has been extremely taxing, but let me provide a few links that I think are relevant. I hope this might be in some way helpful, and encourages others to continue the conversation offline. (or online, even -- reblogs are totally fine, and please feel free to add other stories or links if you have resources to share)

Be safe, and to any SA survivors who happen to be reading this, please know that you will always be yours, and what happened to you was not your fault. 💖

What is Consent (VeryWellMind)

History of Sexual Assault Awareness Month (NSVRC)

Sexual Violence Prevention: Beginning the Dialogue (NSVRC)

How to Support a Survivor (CRCC)

Finding Help If You’ve Been Sexually Abused (Crisis Text Line)

[iamdefinitelyreal]

Hello! I'm an ace-spectrum person, and I'm pretty new to fandoms and I struggled finding SFW/Sex-averse friendly fics, so I thought I would give a few recommendations for those interested!

Lemme know if there's any interest in a Sherlock one or a Harry Potter one!

Fics

Demonology and the Tri-Phasic Model of Trauma: An Integrative Approach

By Nnm on AO3 (@mouseonamoose)

Rating: T

Chapters: 16/16

From the perspective of an OC, Post S1

TW: Mention of abuse, slightly graphic violence

Notes: Completely changed my brain chemistry. 100/10 everyone should read this.

Angel-Centered Therapy Through A Multicultural Lens: An Integrative Approach By Nnm on AO3 (@mouseonamoose)

Rating: G

Chapters: 16/18

From the perspective of an OC

TW: Mentions of abuse, mentions of miscarriage

Notes: Aziraphale's therapy sessions, a follow up from Demonology, and ohmygosh, so fucking good. So good!

Trivia Night: A Love Story

By MissUnderstoodLyrics on AO3 (@southernfriedamy)

Rating: E (all smut scenes are easily skippable if needed and not very long)

Chapters: 11/11

From the perspective of Crowley, Human AU

TW: Smut

Notes: One of the first fics I read! So adorable, I need a basil plant named Cat now.

Postcards From Paris

By ghostrat on AO3 (@mrghostrat)

Rating: G

Chapters: 3/3

From the perspective of Crowley, Human AU

TW: None (all fluff)

Notes: ohmylord so so so sweet!

how do we turn on the light? 

By @moonyinpisces AO3

Rating: M (All smut is non-graphic and skippable/skimable)

Chapters: 15/22

From the perspective of Aziraphale, Post S2

TW: Discussion of death, dystopian world, violence, physcological abuse, SH, s**c*d*l thoughts/idealations, smut

Notes: Insanely well written/thought out. I love every single piece of character development and plot developement in this, and the whole fic is just a #badassaziraphaletake

Love in the Time of Bugs

By ProdigalPragmatist on AO3 (@theprodigalpragmatist)

Rating: T

Chapters: 6/6

From the perspective of Crowley, Human AU

TW: Mention of abuse, chronic pain, implied smut

Notes: Very adorable. Strangers to lovers stories are my weakness, but this one is so sweet but still believable.

Comics

Fallen by @smudgeandfrank

On Tumblr

Unfinished, 18 parts and counting

Post Season 2, Angst

Oopsie Omens by @asleepyy

On Tumblr

Unfinished, 23 parts and counting

Reverse AU/Retelling

Alexandria 48 BC by @smudgeandfrank

On Tumblr/Wattpad

Finished

Angst

Pre-Season 1

The Omens of Egypt by @whiteleyfoster

On Tumblr/physical copy/AO3

Finished

Angst

NSFW or SFW version

Pre-Season 1

On Night in Bangor by @anotherwellkeptsecret

On Tumblr

On Pt. 84

NSFW or SFW version

Pre-Season 1

[eri-pl]

How are orcs made?

(...also, a bit about Maeglin) Elaborate HC, long post.

TW: discusses breeding of orcs (no descriptive language etc, but implied sexual violence. Also, mentions / implications of torture, child abuse, and domestic violence. Probably something I forgot... generally: it's about orcs. Canon-Typical Level Of Disturbing

I was watching more lectures about Tolkien's later writings, and another discussion of orcs got me thinking: what if it's not one answer, but many? This would solve some problems, paradoxically.

So, I propose

1st gen orcs are indeed corrupted elves (or also men, both can work). The physical corruption (including the hroa being not fit for the fea, which in mundane terms, includes many neurological imbalances leading to mental issues) is partially hereditary.

It is there but it weakened with each generation.

They do have souls, of course, and their kids (orc+orc kids, orc+ elf kids, orc+human kids) have souls, because that's how having kids works. Souls aren't initially corrupted, because Melkor can't make it so, but the physical problems + traumatic upbringing (violence both from family and by a Dark Lord) make it hard for those souls to be good.

This makes them insubordinate and rebelious, but smart. (here we can have rebellious orcs)

However, if such kids are not "worked on" (ie additionally corrupted in the same way as orc-making process, they just need less amount of it), with a few generations they revert basically to Elves, physically and behaviorally. I'm sure it had happened many times in history, whenever the forces of evil lost control over some area and orc tribes were left unsupervised.

However, working on may be (and likely was) imposed on their culture, so that even without external supervision they would keep orkish for more generations than they would without it. Unless something disrupts the mechanism.

What life spans do they have? OK, that's a hard question. I would say that there is a threshold of corruption, and more corrupted elf-orcs have long but finite lives

What's with their souls? Mandos, some are locked indefinitely due to Namo not being able to fix them, as per Tolkien's notes. Some get better.

Also, as with normal elves, any human ancestry => the base type is human.

Maeglin (and also Eol). We know Eol was Thingol's family. I propose: one of his parents was someone close to Thingol, the other was a descentent of orcs, but at this point elvish enough for them to legit fall in love (yes, let's make it not-that-traumatic). still, there was probably violence in the family, and Eol had some genetic traits that made it harder for him to make good life choices. (Also, generational trauma of hiding from being recaptured => his isolationist tendencies)

But why do I focus on Maeglin?

Maeglin gets captured. He isn't tortured. He is simply informed what he is. What his ancestors were. What he can again become.

He is given a choice: share the location of Gondolin willingly, and get some instruction on how to better side and soothen your physiological issues, then go home. Or not share it and become as your ancestors were. And then you will share it anyway.

Still I don't consider him a good guy but in this scenario he's less guilty of all his BS (and so is Eol) and the location-of-Gondolin business is outright understandable (lack of estel, sure, but who doesn't lack it? even the Valar have issues here.). Also, after the betrayal he had a lot of time and he could and should at least run away from the city leaving a letter about what he did. They would evacuate.

Anyway back to orcs.

Another type of further-generation orcs: the soulless. I'm not sure whether some kind of magical cloning, or something more nasty, but the result is beast-like orcs. No soul, no free will. Stupid. Ape-like but there are some fixes to this:

Necromancy. When you have a functional, but soulless body, some unhoused spirits may want to make a deal with you. They work for you, they get to experience having a body again.

And some spirits are to weak to protest.

Still may be rebelious, but smart and probably more powerful. Possibly cannot reproduce?

Magic AI So when Tolkien wrote the Silm, an idea of "automaton" was something primitive and not talking, so he at times had a problem with "orcs are constructs but can talk". But. Today we know how much talking can be done without a soul.

So basically, there's a magic AI imbed in each orc, probably all from one template (or a couple templates), because dark lords aren't very creative.

Still not very smart orcs, also probably need more power expenditure to create than other types. May breed among themselves (and with souled creatures) resulting in more of them, but each young still needs the AI put in. Maybe the AI-inserting process can be automated with an artifact (loaded with an amount of power to last for some time) and the orcs may be taught to deal with their newborns themselves.

To sum up: This HC allows us to have all of

orcs have free will and can rebel

some orcs don't

being an orc is hereditary (mostly) and even without a Dark Lord, orkish tribes would remain active (for some time, but we can make it enough time for the plot to work, probably, it takes generations especially if they are taught to deal with their newborns to maintain their orkishness)

We keep to the idea that Melkor cannot make anyone hereditarily evil (Tolkien thought it important)

angsty part-orc Maeglin

evil, scary ghosts of FA elves put in orc bodies (not everyone would gogently into Mandos) (Maedhros. I mean mostly Maedhros) (but also Eol would be so ironic)

some orcs are more powerful than they look and are scary

enough of orcs seem mindless so that the good guys may (tragically) assume that they all are and are free to kill. (I need a fic in which they learn)

it is natural that after Sauron's defeat orcs would disappear, but slowly, not in one generation

It doesn't allow us to make the "killing orcs for sport" non-evil, but it allows us to make it a "they didn't know and had reasons to assume" kind of evil, ie doesn't make the protagonists of LotR evil. (just tragic but I can live with it)

[insoukokuhell-434]

Chuuya Takes Care of Dazai Fics

Includes:

Emotional Hurt/Comfort (long term & immediate)

Physical Hurt/Comfort

The format I’m using is:

Title - writer (ao3 link) Fic length Time period (teen/mafia skk, 22! Skk, all ages) Additional tags (Tags in bold added by me for extra info) TW

Some fics have parts of the summary/ comments added for additional info

Emotional Hurt/Comfort

Long Term (multiple instances)

hey look, the sky's falling apart - saffroncassis    

24.8k TEEN SKK (16/17) AU - Canon Divergence Protective Nakahara Chuuya, Angst, Fluff, Humor, Developing Relationship Found Family (the Akutagawa siblings, Oda's kids, Kyouka, Oda, Ango) TW- Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse and discussions of both these, also cw food for the whole fic

Summary - "At age 16, Chuuya defects from the Port Mafia and drags his partner with him not so much kicking and screaming as silently begrudging, and the rest follow suit in time."

Mostly Chuuya helping Dazai, but Dazai supports him too <33

[Really realistic depiction of the relationship between a depressed person and their supportive partner!]

For the Record - zombiemarker

19.1k TEEN SKK  AU- Spies & Secret Agents + Physical Hurt/Comfort Nightmares, Childhood Trauma, they get all dressed up and go to a gala, Implied Sexual Content, Fluff & Angst, Literal sleeping together, Getting together, First kiss, Developing Relationship TW - Blood and Violence, Childhood Trauma

From tags: "Chuuya's a government experiment, Dazai's been with Mori for years, they've both got trauma now"

Mostly Chuuya helping Dazai, but Dazai supports him too <33

A mouth to empty into - series by osamuchuu

Not listing all 4 fics cause this post is already so long, but they’re all amazing pls go read them!

The series depicts depression + CSA trauma so well!

This is my favourite -

Love is not a victory march - osamuchuu

8.7k 22 SKK Soukoku taking care of each other, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Mental Illness, Depression, Drug Addiction, Blood and Injury, Healing, Recovery, Soukoku Tenderness, Light Angst TW -  Dazai-Typical Suicide References and Attempts, Addiction, Drug Use

believe me darling, the stars were made for falling -communist_sasuke

14.6k ALL AGES Worried Chuuya, Love Confessions, Dazai is a Mess, Angst, Self-Harm , Fluff & Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon timeline, First Kiss, TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide Mentions , Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt

Trust Fall - insi 

3.5k ALL AGES (Dark Era, Post-Dark Era, 22 SKK) Emotional Constipation, Mental Health Issues, Dazai has issues TW - Implied/Referenced Suicide & Self-Harm, Suicidal ideation

From tags: Chuuya has met Dazai on the rooftop many times throughout knowing each other.

Immediate

Emotional H/C

Even the Darkness We're Watching Is So Beautiful - NastyaEx

4k 22 SKK (post-109) bsd 109, Fluff, Dazai Needs a Hug, Dazai is a Mess, exhausted dazai, dazai cries but only a little bit, Cuddling & Snuggling, Sharing a Bed, Soft skk, Dazai centered, yosano is a bit here and she's great

I'll Make A Home In Your Gut Because its Somewhere Warm to Sleep - arahabakii

8.9k 22 SKK Fluff, Angst, Mutual Pining, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Making Out, Getting Together, Domestic Fluff, Touch-Starved Dazai, Dazai needs a hug, Chuuya needs a hug TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide References

stay- neon_toad

4.6k 22 SKK (pm!skk flashbacks) Suffering Dazai, Dazai Needs a Hug , Dazai is Bad at Feelings, Oblivious Dazai Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hugs, birthday, Birthday Presents, soft skk TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide References

where are you? - doeinstinct

2.8k 22 SKK Depression, Disordered Eating, physical symptoms of depression, Mentions of past self harm, m because they shower together, canon adjacent, meal replacements, Love Confessions, They're In Love Your Honor

Run Away With Me - Anonymous

5.3k Dark Era Grief/Mourning, Dissociation, Suicidal Thoughts, Soft Soukoku, Dazai Needs a Hug , Dazai Has Feelings, Pining, Cuddling & Snuggling, Sharing a Bed, Chuuya Needs a Hug, Kissing, Dazai asks Chuuya to run away with him

stay the night - Shinkirou

3.6k 22 SKK Gen or Pre-Slash, Developing Relationship, Character Study, Sharing a Bed, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Dazai's depression

Physical Hurt/Comfort

Fool for loyalty, or some other word - osamuchuu

1.7k Dark Era Aftermath of Torture, Blood and Injury Light Angst, chuuya deals with so much tbh, what a champ, Fluff and Angst, Pre-Relationship, Established Relationship, chuuya being Dazai's nurse because he absolutely was Dazai's angry nurse

under wraps - Coffeebiscuits

5k Post-Dark era + Emotional hurt comfort Love confessions, deep talks, Light angst, Fluff and angst, kissing, crushes, sharing a bed, Suicide, Self-Harm, Tending to Wounds TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide Mentions, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm 

From tags: “basically chuuya has to patch dazai upand they talk about some things they need to discuss”

Chuuya also gets some emotional comfort

EXHAUSTION

So if you go too far I'll be there - Kimisu

2.5k 22 SKK - Pre-Fyodor | Cannibalism Arc  No Plot/Plotless, Literal Sleeping Together, Some Fluff, Canon Timeline

From Summary: Based on a HC that Dazai spends days before every major arc planning and arranging the pieces in order for everything to 'work'. He also pushes his body limits a bit too far when doing that sometimes.

SICK FIC

Nothing More Important Than You - StormDew2

3k MAFIA SKK (15) Sickfic, Soft soukoku, Vulnerability

Please like/reblog if this helped u find a fic, I'd be delighted to know asjsj <3

“Dazai takes care of Chuuya” recs here

Fic rec masterlist here

[archivalofsins]

The Re-traumatization of Amane Momose

Today, I'll be discussing Amane Momose's case with @apatchworkstar. (Hi, it's Star! I hope you enjoy this post; or at the very least, find it informative!)

Specifically we'll be discussing the ties it has to trauma and retraumatization. This is a two-part post that covers the entirety of Amane's case. Part two will be added when it is completed.

Over the course of these posts, I set out to prove that Amane Momose’s previous verdict has caused long-term mental distress, anguish, and mixed with the actions of other prisoners has served to retraumatize her. Then highlight how due to these upsetting events and environmental triggers Amane Momose has fallen back on the teachings of her mother for a sense of security, safety, and allusion of control.

Leading to the tangible regression we see throughout Purge March. Along the way we'll be highlighting how the audience's previous choices were responsible for eliciting this trauma response and the danger each prisoner within Milgram poses to others there including Amane Momose herself.

1. Re-traumatization

Firstly, let’s talk about retraumatization,

What is it?

“Retraumatization is reliving stress reactions experienced as a result of a traumatic event when faced with a new, similar incident. However, as the result of the passing of time many people do not realize the stress they are experiencing is related to an earlier trauma in their lives. A current experience is subconsciously associated with the original trauma, reawakening memories and reactions, which can be distressing. This type of reaction is common and survivors should realize there are steps that can be taken to manage or relieve symptoms.”

“Survivors typically cope with retraumatization by employing avoidant coping strategies originally developed during childhood to cope with the original abuse. The experience of retraumatization appears to lower survivors’ threshold for future retraumatization by confirming survivors’ view of healthcare as a threatening experience. Without intervention, retraumatization can result in unhealthy outcomes due to the negative effects of stress on survivors’ mental and physical health along with interruptions in healthcare caused by avoidant coping.” - “A number of reports suggest that mental health patients may experience exacerbation of post-traumatic symptoms due to encounters in the mental health system, such as violence by other clients or forcible restraint by male attendants (Center for Mental Health Services & Human Resource Association of the Northeast, 1995; Geanellos, 2003; Jennings & Ralph, 1997; Smith, 1995). A Massachusetts task force investigating the effect of restraints on abused populations reported that research indicates at least half of all women treated in psychiatric settings have a history of physical or sexual abuse. The task force found that the use of restraints on people who have been previously abused often results in the reactivation of trauma symptoms and can cause setbacks in treatment (Carmen et al., 1996). The task force developed a specific set of guidelines for assessing clients’ trauma history and recommended altering restraint and seclusion policies to reduce risk of retraumatization.”

X- (TW: For mentions of childhood SA. Because it's a study on the retraumatization process in survivors of that.)

(Star, here! A clear example of Amane employing one such avoidant coping mechanism is shown through this image.

The umbrella is represented as both her shield and her weapon. A perfect visualization of how Amane views her faith. Not only as a shield from persecutions or a justification of her behaviors as we see in her first voice drama,

"The standards that judge my sins are somewhere else – in my heart, my blood, my entire body, they are firmly rooted in all those places!" And within those standards, your murder was not a sin? "Exactly!" "I see." "Ah, I am looking forward to it! Seeing whether your judgement will align with that of these higher standards! If that is the case, maybe Milgram would be the right world for us to live in, rather than the outside world! Milgram relies on your judgement, isn’t that right? In that case, you could become the mediator for a far more righteous world!!" And if my judgement is not in your favor, what will you do? "I will refuse your judgement."

This shows that Amane falls back on the teachings of her cult to regain a sense of autonomy during stressful or traumatic situations. Possibly a coping mechanism she developed during her time under her family's care. It was a mentality that likely shielded her from some of the rougher emotional impact that kind of abuse can have on someone simultaneously giving her a sense of control and possibly hope that things may improve. It did not remain just a shield though.

Over time, this became an offensive weapon to fight back against injustice or the incorrectness in the world that was befalling her. Something displayed by the umbrella being represented as a scepter within her mental space.

All of this comes together to display how Amane uses her religious teachings as a coping mechanism to hold onto some form of autonomy and as something to use to fight against perceived threats.

This is not only displayed through these visuals but these lines from her song as well,

Magic

``Even I can say "I'm sorry". Even I have hope. I swear! I'm going to be a good girl now! That's it!" - "Not meaning to brag, but I’m pretty happy; I’ve made up my mind so they don’t make that face at me again. But it’s not scary at all, because it’s love! I can really think it’s great. See, isn’t it a great thing?"- "I won’t say “I’ve had enough”; Will you laugh with me and forgive me?"

Purge March

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen! It’s the beginning of a most wonderful day! However, there are blasphemers and silent bystanders, who would have it otherwise. We must not give into them; they are the ones that should be judged! With pure, unsullied body and soul, let us preach all that is true and right." - "I disavow you, eyes corrupted must be crushed."

Amane uses her faith how one actively chooses to use an umbrella as a shield against rain. Relying on it to help see her way through bad weather. Using it as support during difficult or distressing times.

Rain is something that can be thought of by some as "good" in small doses, but eventually you need to get out something to stop yourself from getting drenched and falling ill.

In Purge March, rain is heavily associated with the abuse that Amane faced growing up in her household. It is also consistently present within her mindscape; specifically, as confetti when she isn't being directly punished. This shows that Amane is aware of her abuse's omnipresence and is hypervigilant to what may trigger a flare up in punishment.

The fact that it is usually confetti alludes to her softening what it is until it gets so bad, she can't ignore it anymore. Something that we briefly see her attempt to do before the confetti turns colorful and her eyes change,

Before breaking into colorful confetti, we see Amane look up to the sky through her umbrella as it begins to rain. As though searching for a reason, a silver lining or any justification of what has just occurred. A way that she can think of this as a great thing before realizing she can't. Not just because it simply isn't a great thing, but because someone (more than likely her mother) has broken a promise to her somehow (more than likely by killing the cat because it's very common for abusive parents to go of if you just do one thing or take this punishment nothing else will happen I'll never bring it up again actually just to not do that.). Something illustrated through these lyrics in Purge March,

"I don’t need it any more, if you’re going to break your vow."

The color in the confetti illustrates the change from being the punished to the punisher. As they march forward from beneath that endless white.)

Things that may cause retraumatization and the signs of it.

Negative thoughts. Feeling on edge very anxious tense or easily startled. Intense feelings of guilt, anger, fear, anxiety, horror, sadness, shame, or despair.

22/04/19 (Futa’s Birthday)

Futa: Ahh...... I'm not wrong...... I wasn't doing anything wrong...... Shut up, why are you going on and on about something so minor...... It has nothing to do with you...... Aaahhh......

Amane: Oh, were you talking to yourself, Futa-san? Or maybe there’s something there you’re able to see?

Futa: ……! O-oh, it’s just you. It’s nothing. ……but well, on that note. Hey- Don’t you have anything  happening too? Since being in here, just suddenly getting anxious. Feeling as though loads of people are all there condemning you, telling you- You were wrong.

Amane: ……I’m fine. I don’t know what you’ve done or what it is you’re worried about- But I think if there’s something you believe in, you should stay true to it. It’s not something that should waver just because other people said something. I personally don’t plan on changing my own beliefs even if I’m told I’m wrong either…… …today is your birthday, correct? I’ll pray for God to keep you under his care.

"It’s so hot, so hard to breath, there’s no solace for my heart."

"Or maybe there's something there you're able to see?"

Backdraft

"Don’t get cocky, you in that cypher." - "The fight’s up here! Come up to the ring and face me!"- "You and you, throwing around rules for fun, hoisting up morality and feeling good. Should I succumb, make your wish come true? Full of yourselves, are you?"

Dissociation. Experiencing strong reactions to triggers. Social withdrawal and isolation. Avoidance of people, places, or situations related to the traumatic event.

22/10/24 (Shidou’s Birthday)

Amane: ……Kirisaki Shidou. How long do you plan on continuing this foolish behaviour?

Shidou: I wonder what you might be referring to there. I’m just doing what I need to do. If anything, I’d be happy if you would lend me a hand.

Amane: I warned you. I can no longer turn a blind eye to this wickedness taking place right in front of us. You’re bringing ruin unto yourself. Do you understand?

Shidou: No, I don’t understand. It’s my job as an adult to teach you that throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to make everything go your way. If it’s a test of endurance you want, I’m happy to oblige, Amane.

"No, I don't understand."- "And furthermore- This may be outside of profession, but her mental health is deteriorating as well."

It is outside of his profession and that is perfectly illustrated by the fact that he only highlights Mahiru's deteriorating mental health and says nothing about the others.

23/01/17 (Mahiru’s Birthday)

Amane: Happy birthday. Mahiru-san. How is your body feeling?

Mahiru: ……ah, Amane-chan. Thank you. Yeah, I’m fine. Now I can move around if I use a wheelchair…… It’s all thanks to Shidou-san looking after me……

Amane: I’ll give you one warning. The two of you are dabbling in something tabooed. If you continue to go against the way of nature like this, you’ll just bring an early death upon yourself. Think hard about this.

Mahiru: Amane-chan……? Are you really Amane-chan……?

"You’ll just bring an early death upon yourself."

Q.10 Which of the other prisoners do you get along with?

Kazui: Shidou-kun, Mikoto and me all smoke together, so I think we get along well.

Amane: If I had to pick someone, then Yuno-san and Mahiru-san.

Amane's Second Voice Drama

Amane. Don’t think you’ll be able to lead the conversation with that total change in attitude. Is it the result of the judgment that you’ve ended up like this?

"“Like this”?"

The dazed look in your eyes. The atmosphere around you. The way you speak. In comparison to the first trial, it’s like you’re a different person.

"Hm."

Everyone who was unforgiven told me they heard voices judging their sins. They’re experiencing a lot of emotional stress as a result. Were your changes influenced by that as well?

"Hah? Those stupid voices, huh? Yeah. I have heard them as well. However, such things do not pose a major problem."

What?

"We have firm teachings. We have a clear and noble faith. No matter what kinds of things other people might say, these things cannot be shaken."

21/10/06 (Mikoto’s Birthday)

Mikoto: ……ah, Futa? What’s up? Did you come to celebrate my birthday?

Futa: Hah!? Like I care about your birthday. ……what’s up with you, though, you’re usually a lot more excited. I thought you were the sort of idiot who’d make a big deal over your birthday.

Mikoto: Yeah, usually that’d be the case. ……I think I must be getting tired. It’s like I’m anxious over something but I can’t really explain what it is…… Like, the feeling that I’ve been totally wrong about something. Haha, but it’s not like talking to you about it is gonna do anything.

Futa: Yeah, yeah, just like you say. Talking to me about it isn’t gonna help. ……but, it’s not like I don’t get what you’re saying. Or rather, I understand exactly what you mean. And if it’s the same thing as I’ve been feeling, then it will just get stronger as time goes on…..probably.

22/10/06 (Mikoto’s Birthday)

Haruka: Mikoto-san. Um, are you ok……?

Mikoto: Ah, Haru-kun. It’s been a while since we last talked, huh. Yeah, I’m fine. Are you doing ok……?

Haruka: Ah, I’m fine. I’ve been enjoying myself, a lot. Um, I’m sorry, for avoiding you. I was a bit scared. Of you, honestly……

Mikoto: Ahhh, yeah. I’ve been lashing out whenever I go to sleep, right? ……it’s fine. Even I think you’re right to be scared. You know, I kinda just hate that I don’t even know what’s going on myself…… haha. Ah, but despite all that you still came and talked to me because it’s my birthday, right? Thank you, you’ve grown into a good man.

Q.07 Are there any prisoners you get along with?

Shidou: Kayano-kun has become like that, and I can’t spend my time smoking at the moment, so the smoking trio has disbanded, which is a bit lonely.

Mahiru: I talk to Shidou-san a lot now, since he’s looking at my injuries. Also, Yuno-chan.

"I should have saved you, but why are you crying? Rely on me, praise with your song, I am your savior."

Practice your spiritual beliefs or reach out to a Faith Leader for support,

"Hm. Is that so? Are the prisoners who weren’t forgiven feeling lost right now? Maybe they need our faith as well."

23/04/19 (Futa’s Birthday)

Futa: ……! Oi, is it just you. Don’t scare me like that. You shouldn’t just stand there saying nothing. Hah, what? Did you just come to laugh at me for being weak? Dumb brat.

Amane: No. I just came to observe. To see what people are thinking. To see who is being corrupted. What about you, Kajiyama Futa?

Futa: I understand even less of what you're saying than I did before. Brat, you're on the side who weren't forgiven too, right? ......So, why can you still stand? Don't- you can hear it too? The voices blaming us. ......I don't have the energy to do anything like this.

Amane: It goes without saying. Because there’s something far more important than the voices of people we can’t even see. People are able to get back up again. As long as there’s something to guide them. Kajiyama Futa, by coincidence today happens to be your birthday, correct? Don’t you think it’s a good opportunity to be reborn? If, right now, you could shake off those around you trying to drag you down to depravity, and could change––

23/06/27 (Amane’s Birthday)

Amane: What is it…… Kashiki Yuno. Don’t sit so close to me. Go away.

Yuno: Sorry for barging in when you’re getting into your worldview thing. But Mahiru-san’s finally managed to get to sleep. Humour me with some small talk while I take a break. By the way, Amane. Have you ever wished you were never born? I’ve thankfully lived a pretty fun life so far, so haven’t really. But you seem to be struggling with something. So I kinda wondered if you thought like that.

Amane: ……I don’t think that. Being born into this world is the first miracle any person experiences and is something to celebrate. Even if after birth I was put through trial after trial, the value of that will never disappear.

Yuno: Hmm. Ok. ……happy birthday, then. It’s good that you were brought into the world, I guess.

23/07/05 (Mu’s Birthday)

Futa: Oi, you. Is he ok? He’s not even left his room lately.

Mu: You mean Haruka-kun? Hmm. Yeah, probably. I’ve been bringing all his meals to him so he should be fine. Isn’t that great of me?

Futa: Hah? Who the hell says that sort of thing about themself. ……ah, no, well, right now I understand a bit. When you’re feeling down, it’s nice to have someone who relies on you and accepts you. The rest of us can’t really understand you from where we’re standing. But well, if you’re Haruka’s “salvation” then I guess it really is great.

Mu: Salvation……? I don’t know what you mean. Futa-kun, you don’t sound like yourself. Did you hit your head or something? Oh, wait, you actually did, didn’t you. Ahaha. Ah, putting that aside though, did you know it’s my birthday today?

"Then I guess it really is great."

Magic

"I can actually think of it as a good thing, see isn’t it a great thing?"- "I can really think it’s great. See isn’t it a great thing?"

Backdraft

"Is it all ok if I offer penance? No helping it, out of the question."

"Pressure, pressure! Falling head down- Pressure, pressure! Whatever you do, you’re still last in line- Pressure, pressure! Applause receding far away- Me, the result of blame-shifting, no, can’t find that funny- With just one mistake and I’m out of chances Bless me, please, with one more chance- It’s not even my fault, not even slightly."

"Pick up your mouth-piece Grind your teeth and strike a pose Just like O2, burn yourselves into oblivion."

"Oblivion and the River Lethe Oblivion asks forgetfulness of us in both its meaning and etymology. The word’s Latin source, oblīvīscī, means “to forget; to put out of mind,” and since its 14th century adoption into English, oblivion has hewed close to meanings having to do with forgetting. The word has also long had an association with the River Lethe, which according to Greek myth flowed through the Underworld and caused anyone who drank its water to forget their past; 17th century poet John Milton wrote about “Lethe the River of Oblivion” in Paradise Lost. The adjective oblivious (“lacking remembrance, memory, or mindful attention”) followed oblivion a century later, but not into oblivion—both words have proved obdurate against the erosive currents of time."

Synonyms: Forgetfulness, Nirvana, Obliviousness.

"Burn yourselves into oblivion- Burn, burn! Open this door and check if you want to I’ll deign to hear your last words if you want, a vanishing FIRE."

Eternal Oblivion- A philosophical, scientific, religious concept stating that's one consciousness ceases forever upon death. This concept is commonly tied to religious skepticism, secular humanism, nihilism, and atheism.

"'Tis ordained, thou shall follow thine destiny. 'Tis ordained, thou shall discard vulgarity. 'Tis ordained, thou shall deliver unto those thou believest in. 'Tis ordained, thou shall stay thine course, then perish."

Q.12 What is the meaning of life?

Kazui: Who knows. If you ever find out, let me know.

Amane: I think it’s something you first understand when you reach the end of your life and look back on it. I’m doing my best to live in a way that I won’t regret when that time comes.

"Being born into this world is the first miracle any person experiences and is something to celebrate. Even if after birth I was put through trial after trial, the value of that will never disappear."

@doctorbunny Also reminded me that Futa's second voice drama is literally called, "Baptism by Fire" as well. Yeah, trial two is shaping up to be the cult-gram prelude whether Amane is Innocent or not. So, have fun with that everybody. Oh, and it'd be super nice if people stop deluding themselves into believing the outcome of this trial is going to stop something that has already occurred/has been occurring thanks.

Now back to the topic at hand-

All of these are signs of retraumatization not just in Amane but two other prisoners as well. Yet, if that's not enough- What else shows us that Amane has been retraumatized?

Well, Purge March visualizes perfectly that these circumstances have retraumatized Amane. Especially if one were to take the visuals from Magic and her most recent mv and compare them. Something many people outside of myself have done.

People have pointed out that in Magic we see Amane riding on top of a cloud. However, the entire set that Amane is standing on is a Heaven on Earth of sorts where she takes center stage.

The white cloud-like structures around the rainbow stepped pedestal with the old symbol of the cult firmly behind it as Amane turns away from it at the start of the song.

Before the clouds cover up her face and fade us into this,

Amane bursting up from beneath the cloud, appearing to sit on top of it in confusion and shock. She holds this confused and shocked expression until all the others float around and then she's by herself again at which point she smiles.

It's only when they are shown not to visibly be around (it's implied they're still around just not directly near her) does she smile- After this the mascots circle beside her again. In a familiar way at this point- Well in a way I feel should be familiar considering how much Purga March has been viewed over the past few days-

The cloud displaying the title of Amane's first song resembling the symbol on the flag that we see in Purge March. The mascots circling the symbol with Amane around her song's title. A song and title that like with the other prisoners is something uniquely hers. So, I find it curious that instead of using the symbol associated with the cult the double clouds- Something again she displays prominently at the beginning she instead puts her song title on a singular cloud and has these mascots circling it.

Creating a vague visual illustration of the symbol on the flag they carry at the end. Something unique to them that she created all on her own.

The cycle of punishment displayed throughout the song also only begins after Amane and the mascots have fallen from on top of the clouds as well. Going under them. Purge March follows up on this by visually illustrating again that punishment is represented not only by being submerged in water but overshadowed or smothered by any sort of force. Be it the clouds or her mother's shadow or hand.

Something is always above Amane when she is getting punished.

"After you cry, repent, and kneel, it’s now your turn to say that hopeless “I’m sorry”." - "I'm sorry! Sorry! I'm sorry for breaking the rules..."

"Remember MY cries, MY repents, MY words of “I’m sorry” that I said to you?"

This is something that is further displayed through the imagery used to end off Purge March and the way it mirrors how Magic ends,

No longer is Amane beneath these clouds but in front of them once again as Magic started. Amane is now able to act on her own beliefs at her own discretion. It's even more telling that she goes from standing with Yuri and Riyone to by herself and pointing her wand at someone.

What we can tell from the use of clouds, and shadows over the course of Magic and Purge March- Is that when Amane is beneath them it is a sign of her not having control of the situation and being subject to the whims or beliefs of others. This is why we believe the fact that Amane remains beneath clouds throughout most of Purge March is indicative of her declining mental health and a sign that this experience has retraumatized her.

2. Reactive Abuse

Star here. I would also like to touch upon the concept of "reactive abuse" and how it may play a factor in both the prisoners and Milgram as a whole.

Reactive Abuse, is a term used to describe when a victim reacts in a volatile manner (that could be perceived as abusive to those uninvolved or uninformed about the situation) in response to their abuse. This term is not meant to be used in a way to blame the victim or shift any of the responsibility for the abuse onto them but describe in further depth the multitude of responses individuals can have while undergoing abuse.

How a victim responds to their abuse/abuser does not immediately turn them into an abuser themselves. The lack of knowledge around this phenomenon and the various ways people can respond to abuse has created a situation where the victim's response to the abuse can be viewed as abusive. Especially when the way the victim responds is viewed as socially unacceptable or abusive itself.

This makes it appear as though the actions of a victim trying to defend themselves are on the same level as an abuser harming their victim. Sometimes causing it to appear that there are two abusers in the relationship when there is only one. This is made even worse by the fact that sometimes abusive individuals count on their victim responding in this way or goad them into responding in that way to make themselves appear better or their behavior seem more justified in the eyes of outsiders.

A prime example of this would be intentionally acting in a way that the abusive party knows will elicit this sort of response from the victim- So the abuser can record the victim’s behaviour and claim that how the victim behaved was worse.

A side note, but it's a fair possibility that this happened to Mikoto, hence his hypervigilance regarding being filmed without knowledge.

20/05/25

Mikoto: ……I’ve really got caught up in some trouble, huh. What even is this place? It’s probably a TV reality show or something. ……but to think someone in this day and age would try to do a project that could land them in so much trouble. Uh…… Mahiru: Ah…… I’m Shina Mahiru! You can just call me Mahiru. And you are……? Mikoto: Kayano Mikoto. I’m fine with just Mikoto too. Ahh, I’m glad there’s someone here who’s easy to talk to…… It’s nice to meet you, Mappy. Mahiru: ………………Mappy???

20/05/31

Mu: Hey, Mikoto-kun, aren’t you scared of this place……? You can’t think of any reason you ended up here, right……? Mikoto: Ahh, yeah. Of course, it’s not like I’m not scared at all. But just between you and me…… I still haven’t dropped the thought that this could all just be a TV show. I mean, I really haven’t ever murdered anyone.……and if that is the case, we’re definitely being monitored. For like a prank setup or something. Wouldn’t it be super uncool and embarrassing to get angry or lash out and have it shown on prime time? Mu: Is that what you think……? A prank, huh…… I hope that’s all it is…… Mikoto: Ah! If that is the case, then you’ll probably be super popular since you’re so cute, Mucchan! There’s a lot of girls out there who make their big break coming off reality shows like that!

20/06/15

Mikoto: Hey, it’s kinda a bother having you be so angry and tense all the time. You should stop trying to get everyone to pay attention to you. You’re a uni student, right? You can’t act like that once you start working properly. Futa: Huh!? Shut up. Not like I care what you say. Even though we’re in this shitty situation, you’re just chatting away, it’s stupid. Aren’t you the one who’s acting out of place here?……also the fact you give everyone nicknames is just gross. Mikoto: *sigh* It’s more stupid to be taking this all so seriously. I mean, it’s definitely just a reality TV program. There’s no way a real prison exists that’s this lax. Also, I don’t give nicknames to everyone. I don’t give them to young kids like Amane, or to the hard-to-approach types like Shidou-san. I mean, I’m not giving you one, right? Futa: ……oi, which group are you trying to say I am?

First trial website voice line

“Ah, I got it! This must be some sort of reality show. There’s no way it’s broadcasted, so maybe an online program?”

John Doe

Your name and age? "Uh… Mikoto Kayano, 23. Wait, no! I've been wanting to talk to you this whole time, guard-kun!" What is it? Make it short. "Alright… when is this whole thing going to end?" Huh? "No, it's obvious, isn't it?! Suddenly being dragged to a place like this, being told all this weird stuff about killers and all that– is this some kind of comedy? A reality TV show? One of those monitoring things? I've been holding on to that thought this whole time, and that was also the reason I tried to get along with the others! Y'know – because that'll look better on a TV show, right?! But look, this is stretching out for way too long…! What's up with this?" ......You really still believe that? That MILGRAM is some kind of joke? "I do! Of course I do! I mean… I really don't remember. Even if you talk about sins or murderers– I don't know about any of that! I'm just a normal worker at a company…"

This is a concept shown very well in Purge March. The way Purge March ends is with Amane proclaiming that she’ll punish her abuser in the same way they abused her.

“Here and now, it’s my turn to tear you apart. So there is no second time, I’ll give back the judgment that you gave to me.”

You will see that is exactly what she did. She waterboards her abuser, likely tases them and then beats them- to death in this case. Though given the size of the bruise on Amane, it seems as though she just gave as good as she got.

One could argue that this is happening within Milgram too. Es intentionally pushes Amane, Fuuta and Mikoto to their mental limit within Milgram, provoking a (rightfully upset) reaction.

For Amane, in both Apostle and Death and Of Blessedness and Punishment, Es goads her into reacting in a volatile manner by repeatedly throwing her wish to not be treated like a child in her face, dismissive of her ideals and belief system at best, though mocking would be a better descriptor. When she does reach her limit and react, they make fun of her. The only exception to this is in Of Blessedness and Punishment, where Amane pushes Es’ sore spot. That being a fragmented identity. She then proceeds to mock them right back, asking them if they are alright before saying to get better by themselves as this is a trial from god.

With Fuuta, Es takes overt advantage of how quickly Fuuta is to react to others’ input and how he takes people at face value. This happens in both trials in different ways. In Braze You, it was Es making the active decision to tease Fuuta since he acted the most stereotypical to being put in this situation. In Baptism of Fire, they give Fuuta a small glimpse of hope about being voted innocent before turning around and saying that they’ll judge no matter how much their “comrades” cry. When Fuuta lashes out at this, saying that he'll kill Es if they don’t vote him innocent, they dismiss him. They state that if they truly are the same, then they’ll get whats coming to them at some point anyways.

As for Mikoto, in John Doe, Es repeatedly pushes on the idea that Mikoto killed someone but forgot. This is despite the fact that Mikoto is in clear distress about the concept. They also mimic how he speaks when doing so, using speech mannerisms such as “it’s only natural to think that, right?” and “That’s the only logical conclusion”. This pushes Mikoto to switch, his other personality doing his best to shut Es up and prevent more mental harm. This is the only reaction to throw Es off, but even then, they continue to egg on the other personality. This results in the other personality laying into Es harder until Kotoko intervenes.

Es also attempts this with Haruka, though to varying degrees of success. In The Writhing of the Weak, Es attempts to get a volatile reaction from Haruka, by acting as a stereotypical “bad cop”. They are instead blindsided by how subservient he comes across, and how easily he accepts any form of attention. It doesn’t matter if it’s framed in a negative or positive light, Haruka’s just happy to have someone look at him. In Metamorphosis of the Weak, however, Es manages to draw out a response by stating the fact that Haruka isn’t out of the woods yet. Haruka reacts in three different ways here.

One, stating that Es is weird and mean for taking back their acceptance after voting him innocent (likely due to Muu’s influence, as that’s a complaint that she’d have).

Two, stating that he can kill anything smaller than him (presumably a train of logic that lead to his murder).

Three, saying that Es wasn’t his mother and only Muu was, before threatening violence against Es if Muu wasn’t voted innocent. When they remind him that the prisoners can’t attack the guard, he switches tacks and says he’ll die if she isn’t voted innocent, before bragging that he can learn. When Es calls him a dumb ass for this, he replies that he was born one.

Es is also aided by the fact that they are within a position of power compared to the prisoners with their status as “warden”. It doesn’t seem to occur to Es that this nebulous position could be ripped away from them at any time by Jackalope.

Es is put in a position where the audience would want to sympathize with them, due to factors such as age, lack of memories and being pushed into a position of heavy judgements without prior preparation. There’s also the fact that they are a stand in for us. This means the audience are more likely to excuse or defend their behaviour. Adding all this together, if the prisoner reacts in a way that’s considered “unsuitable” the audience is predisposed to be on Es’ side. Saying things such as “the prisoners are being unreasonable” and that “if they were truly sorry, they wouldn’t be reacting like that”.

3. Why was Amane retraumatized by her verdict and Milgram?

So, with all that out of the way... We've explained a few things.

Firstly we've explained what retraumatization is and how it may be impacting multiple prisoners. Secondly, we explained the reasoning behind our belief that Amane has been retraumatized by her previous verdict. Then thirdly we explained reactive abuse and how that may play a factor in some of the prisoners' mannerisms.

However, we haven't touched on why exactly Amane was retraumatized by her verdict. She states that she doesn't really mind the voices because something like that can't shake her beliefs.

Plus, she even takes it a step further stating she's already been told these sorts of things before,

Amane Second Voice Drama

"Aren’t we the same? Me and Warden-san. You know, I’m aware that I’m out of the ordinary. That my environment was peculiar, and that everyone [else] is normal."

Amane…

"In fact, there have been people who said that to me. I’ve been told things like, “You’re being deceived.” “You can still make it right now.” “You’re crazy.”."

…

"You are treating me as a child after all. Because I’m a child, you believe that I must have been brainwashed. It’s not like that. I, too— children, too, understand everything! Please don’t just decide that people must be unhappy."

…

"I’m happy that I was born to my parents! It was a bit difficult, and it could feel restrictive sometimes, but I’m really happy that I could grow up on such beautiful teachings! I want to live this way!"

However, she states this in terms of her religious beliefs. Something she's only fallen back on after her retraumatization. The core request within Magic was never please say my cult is good but Amane asking if it was alright for her to act in her own self-interest,

"Dear wise one, Am I worthy? Is it ok to spoil myself?" - "Is it ok to be weak sometimes?"

So, what was denied by the audience was Amane's right to make decisions for herself, not the cult's doctrines. Making it no surprise in retrospect that she would fall back on these teachings to reinforce her worldview. Add onto that the punishment Milgram gave is literally one of the forms of abuse she underwent constantly hearing voices berating you-

Amane Trial 1 Voice Drama

I've kept you waiting, Amane.

"Yes, you did. You're late."

Alright, let us start the interrogation.

"I don't want to."

Hah?

"I won't acknowledge it."

What do you mean?

"It is your duty to apologize to me first."

Uh-huh...

"Nh...Do you understand?!"

...?

"It is vital to always be on time for things. When you do something wrong, you need to apologize. These are both my personal rules and the rules of society."

Are you done? I would like to start the interrogation.

"No, I am not done talking. I need to make sure you are aware of your mistake."

Sigh...

"Why are you making a face like that? Is there something you want to say?"

I'm not in the mood to play around with you... Listen, Amane.

"What is it?"

Don't get the wrong idea. You are an inmate, and I am the warden. That's our dynamic. I have no intention of letting you order me around.

"Hm... But if you're the warden, as you say you are- Shouldn't you take the prisoners' opinions into consideration?"

Don't make me laugh. I'm not your teacher at school; it isn't my goal to teach you things or guide you on the right path. Milgram's goal isn't to turn you back into decent human beings and get you back into normal society. What's needed here are firm honest judgements and decisions.

"Judgements and decisions..."

All that is needed is a decision on whether your crimes are forgivable or not. I don't have any responsibility beyond that. And I have no intention of letting myself be fooled by the impression you are just a little kid.

"I see. Is that so..."

It is. Now let's get to the interroga-

"Then, please apologize to me not as the warden but as yourself."

...As myself?

"Yes. It is only natural for a person to apologize to another for breaking a promise."

...

"Why are you looking so doubtful? Are you not human?"

No, I'm sure you're right. ... I apologize.

"Okay! I'm kind, so I shall forgive you. That's nice, isn't it? If my parents were in my place you would have been lectured for another hour."

I'm glad I wasn't born into your family.

"...Is that so? Alright, we're running late. So, let's start the interrogation!"

(I think it's important to note that Amane has parents here meaning both of them would have lectured here for another hour. Not just her mom.)

And what is hearing these voices but constant lecturing and berating with no end? Not even the freedom of thought she used to have in order to cope with these things. It's a new sort of sound torture where someone isn't even safe in their own mind.

Also, I thought it'd be fun to point out this other similarity in thinking between Futa and Amane,

Q.01 What do friends mean to you?

Futa: People who get excited about the same things as you.

Bring It On

"You apologize if you do something wrong, you learn that even before words, don’t you?" - "When you do something wrong, you need to apologize. These are both my personal rules and the rules of society."/ "Yes. It is only natural for a person to apologize to another for breaking a promise."

This part of her first interrogation may also be why they say this in their second,

"But we are generous. For now, let us make some time for a conversation with you. After all, our history is one that is built on dialogue."

Next time in part two- (Also known as next time on my declining mental health and Star's increasing sleep deprivation!)

[pretty-weird-ideas]

Trauma Porn vs Representing Black Struggle in IWTV

TW: Domestic Violence (Focus) Rape (mentioned 1x)

Spoilers for the IWTV AMC Series

I think a lot of the distraught or incredibly positive reactions to Episode 5 of IWTV’s ending from black fans is because of the noticeable lack of genuine representation of black IPV let alone black queer people facing IPV at all. So not only was the scene without a trigger warning and absolutely out of nowhere (with of course the obvious foreshadowing and Lestat’s abusive behavior setting it up) but it was something that has barely been done for mainstream genre TV.

So as a black fan, seeing violence towards black people (trauma porn) is certainly not new to me... but seeing black queer people’s stories focus on IPV is something that I haven’t seen. It leaves me incredibly conflicted in ways that cannot be transcribed.

Genre TV, media in general, and even reality has an obsession with whitewashing (pun unintended) IPV towards black people unless it’s specifically meant to degrade us and utilize racist stereotypes. Rarely ever does IPV towards queer black people get spoken about in real life, let alone in fiction. So for a story to just be for real for a hot minute about that topic is both disturbing and jaw dropping.

I oscillate between “I can’t believe they would ever put this on TV” and “I’m so glad that they made this a plotline because nobody talks about this,”. IPV perpetrated by white people towards their black partners especially from a historical context is not talked about. And it certainly is not the focus of period pieces or literature as often as it should be.

This is even being taken away from us TODAY in history books; centuries of rape and domestic violence from the slave trade to Jim Crow is being censored RIGHT NOW. This is not isolated behavior.

And to see white IWTV fans sidestep this entirely back during the final stretch of season one to complain that having Lestat (who canonically abused Louis in other ways) assault Louis somehow ruined LESTAT’S character and THEIR SHIP. While completely sidestepping what themes they were intending and got across (you know like genuine media literacy) and the onscreen brutalization that happened without warning is disgusting.

Being able to cherry pick quotes and argue about whether or not slapping is “DV” is not only gross but it’s just not media literacy. That’s literacy... like good job bestie you can read! But it’s certainly doesn’t mean you have the range or comprehension to understand the intended themes of Episode 5 at all. And until white people begin to understand the nuances of being a black person being abused by a white person who holds power over you, it’s going to continue being out of reach.

It’s one thing to dislike it’s inclusion, because I also agree. But I’ve noticed that The Great Lestat Discourse TM has become the discussion rather than the perspective of how white supremacy aided in perpetuating domestic violence and the choice to show gory and unflinching physical abuse without a trigger warning.

White fans being disingenuous and asking Louis to fade into the background until Lestat (the white character) becomes the focus for TVL. While constantly mocking and ignoring the concept of IPV towards black people makes the point for me as to why this was an interesting and purposeful direction to head in. IPV is so ignored that when IWTV includes it, fans went out of their way to argue whether or not their favorite white boy would DARE TO DO THIS, and not why the writers did this and what they were attempting to say. IPV and queer victims of abuse are so ignored that after this happened people started making posts talking about APOLOGIZING TO A FICTIONAL LESTAT for writers “slandering” him! Discussions about abuse in interracial relationships during Jim Crow are so far ignored that people started to publicly doubt that actual domestic violence in interracial relationships existed at all! So badly that the writers had to come out and say that they wouldn’t make Louis “not the victim” when recontextualizing episode 5.

[liquorishblack]

Inside the twisted mind of Hisoka Morow (part 1)

Part 1 , Part 2

Synopsis: Psychoanalysis about Hisoka, concerning his past and who he is today.

TW: Mentions of abuse, physical abuse, child abuse, emotional abuse, mental disorders

Wordcount: 561

➽───────────────❥

So, I have a bachelor degree in psychology and today I work in the forensic field. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that nearly every perpetrator was once a victim.

I´ve seen many on this platform wondering what a relationship with Hisoka would look like… and honestly, since he´s quite a complex and interesting character, I wrapped my head around this question as well. But I quickly came to the conclusion that if you want to make assumptions about how Hisoka would behave in certain situations regarding relationships, it is necessary to understand his psyche and therefore we should have at least a little glimpse at his past (Part 1) before we come to the relationship headcanon (Part2). 

So, shall we?

For the following I´ll go with the theory that Hisoka isn´t a psychopath at all (for a bunch of reasons but the whole discussion whether he is in fact a psychopath or not would fill a whole page for itself, so I won´t dwell on this subject today). But this much shall be said: While psychopathy is a neurological dysfunction (which means psychopaths are born that way), what society calls "sociopathy" usually arises from trauma, which I find much more likely in his case. So, Hisoka might not be a psychopath but do we find him on the spectrum of antisocial personality disorder? Hell yes! He is arrogant, self serving, only fights for himself, shows lack of empathy, views other human being as „toys“ and has no sense of remorse or whatsoever. But if he´s not a psychopath, why is that? At a certain point in his past he must have learned that people aren´t trustworthy and that he can´t rely on them. Very likely this is because he was let down, or worse, even endangered, by the people who were supposed to protect him; his primary caregivers. For this reason Hisoka stands for himself, trusts no one and is a lone wolf at heart as an adult. This theory is also supported by the fact that he seems very touch starved and even tries to get along with people occasionally, almost as if he longs for closeness and affiliation, until his own psychology torpedos his newly built and therefore still fragile relationships, because the desire of self-preservation is superior to that of belonging. So he pushes others purposely away, to not take the risk of any emotional damage. Also, the fact that at a certain point Hisoka apparently linked affection with physical violence, pain, and even fear of death suggests that the only form of attention he received in his childhood and adolescence were in fact beatings. These early childhood experiences are likely to have been accompanied by a strong and constant sense of lack of control. The only way to gain back control in such situations from which you can´t escape as a defenseless child is to master your own psychology, ergo: burry your emotions, swallow your pain, so it won´t break you. As for today, Hisokas strive to control break others is pretty obviously an overcompensation for his lack of control at the time. Speaking of emotion: I’m pretty sure that Hisoka has emotions, even complex ones, but can only sense them in a pretty aloof way, because the terrible experiences from his past forced him to suppress them and shut himself off from them over many many years, so he has simply forgotten how to feel. This is accompanied by a consuming feeling of emptiness, which is why people who fall under the spectrum of ASPD need strong stimuli to fill the void caused by lack of strong emotion. They often tend to recklessness and take great risks, not infrequently even risking their own death, just as Hisoka does when he challenges strong opponents to battle. His sense of grandeur and superiority I view as another coping strategy. I´m sure that under his nacissistic mask lies just another insecure and deeply intimidated child, so deeply buried that Hisoka might have forgotten about it himself.

Thank you so much for reading.🤍🖤

Part 2

[vidavalor]

Hello! Thank you for visiting. Armchairs and blankets and snacks are over there. *points* Stuff about my blog is here. Please read. Thank you. 💕

Hi there! Below please find some stuff about the content of my blog under the cut.

Feel free to say hi anytime, tag me in a post or to throw something into my Ask inbox thingamajig. I live for messages. As always, message me if you have any questions or comments.

You can find my masterlist pinned to my blog.

Content Info:

-I don't have an age rating on my blog as we all mature at different rates but I'd say some of the stuff is more adult than others. There is cursing and frequent discussions of sex. High school age or above should be fine here.

-Infrequently, a post may discuss characters who have a history of domestic and/or sexual abuse. All of these posts will contain individual trigger warnings so you will know before you read them and can make the choice as to whether or not that is something you would like to read.

-I don't TW posts for religious trauma in general because I write a lot about it (this is predominantly a Good Omens blog, after all...) but if the abuse veers into anything related to physical or sexual violence, anti-Semitism, racism, any type of queer-phobia or anything of any of those types of horrible natures, I will add a TW for it at the top of the post.

-This is queer-friendly space, as is a lot of Tumblr, thankfully. If you are a jerk to me or to anyone engaging with me here, you will be blocked and, depending on the situation, likely reported. In the words of David Lynch as Gordon Cole in Twin Peaks:

-I write a lot about Good Omens and some of what I write about is centered around analysis pertaining to Crowley & Aziraphale's relationship, which I see as being both romantic and sexual in nature and going back a long time. I believe that engaging with art means being open-minded and curious about how others see things. It does not mean demanding that my way is "the right" way and I don't expect everyone to agree with me.

I say this because Good Omens has a sizable fanbase that identifies as asexual and/or aromantic and for some people of that community, the idea of Crowley & Aziraphale as a sexual and/or romantic pairing is not appealing. My point is that if that is you, how you see this show is valid, too. We may disagree on some details on this one particular show but we do not disagree about how much there needs to be more overall representation of asexual and aromantic life in the arts. I have your back on that and if you would like to engage with me but are hesitant to do so because you see that I write a lot about a different kind of interpretation of Crowley & Aziraphale, please do not hesitate! I love seeing everyone's different ideas and creative works.

Thank you for reading & I hope you're having a great day. 💕

[kerubimcrepin]

Analysis: Lance Dur Webtoon Episode 5, The Third Death

(aka, Ronik's "let's try reading too much into some comics, and the Lance Dur series" challenge)

TW: Discussion of Child Abuse (physical, emotional, psychological), Filicide, Patricide, Child Neglect. Just the usual things that come up when talking about Lysmee, Agard, Lance Dur, Kerubim, God Ecaflip, and Joris, and their character parallels.

When looked at from the lens of symbolism and motifs, this comic is one of the more important pieces of Kerubim lore we have. And I really, really mean it. I need to talk about it.

But to talk about it... I will have to do something bad. Something I really wanted to put off for as long as I could:

THIS POST WILL SPOIL THE ENTIRETY OF THE LANCE DUR CARTOON, THE LANCE DUR WEBCOMIC, AS WELL AS THE CIRE MOMORE WEBCOMIC.

For this reason, I will be placing this analysis under a read more.

The thing that really gets me about this comic, is that it explicitly makes Kerubim a character foil/parallel for Agard and Lysmee.

Once or twice, I might have said things like, "Joris parallels Yugo, Atcham parallels Joris," and so on, — because of similar troubles, or character beats, — but let it be clear when I say "parallel" here, I don't mean conjecture, or correlations. What is happening here, is a bit... different.

Through his inclusion in this comic, and the role he takes in it as a victim of the Cire Momore curse, — the same way Agard was, — an explicit parallel is drawn between Kerubim and Agard.

And, by that logic, between Kerubim and Lysmee as well, — for Agard is already her foil and parallel.

In a way, their being a trinity really enriches the way one can understand these characters, — they form a sliding scale, I think, — because for every mirror image they have, there is a small deviation.

From Lance Dur's genuine love for his son and failure at showing it for all those years, and Ephedre's hatred of everything, to Ecaflip's godly "love" being both cruel and transactional.

In a way, despite Cire Momore not actually picking victims in-universe, symbolically speaking, she is the unhealable, unbeatable wound of parental trauma, personified.

It's no wonder, her long-term targets, within canon, are Agard and Kerubim.

Something can have many different symbolic meanings in the same story. From the march of death, to the weight of parental trauma.

The past, with all the horrible things that happened in it, is as real as the future, and the ending it holds. And it's always coming for you.

Sometimes, they are actually two in the same. At least for Lysmee and Kerubim.

This is the level of parallels that Lysmee, Kerubim, and Agard operate on. Even though Kerubim being their parallel is only a minor thing, because Agard and Lysmee's stories are mostly intertwined between one another, it is still a good way to analyse things.

(I hope someone makes a similar post to mine, but mainly about Agard and Lysmee. I'm too much of a Kerubim fan to be talking about them...)

All three of them grew up with parents who weren't supportive of who they were as people. The onee person who was supposed to nurture them, treated them like an object at best (Agard, Kerubim), — or derived pleasure from their suffering at worst (Lysmee, Kerubim).

Between the two, Kerubim seems like the middle ground. Agard has a toxic, distant parent, Lysmee has a horrible, physically abusive mother, and Kerubim has a toxic, emotionally and psychologically abusive parent.

Their stories diverge, yet remain reflections of one another.

Lysmee dreams of breaking free, but is killed by her own mother in the end. Kerubim cannot die, or get rid of, his father. And Agard kills his father, — obtaining a tragic sort of freedom, an actual ending to their relationship.

Lysmee and Agard reflect one another with violence, with poison. They both plan their parents' death, but for different reasons, — a want to be free of abuse vs. a twisted way to show love.

Kerubim and Lysmee reflect one another in inability to die or move on, — cursed to live forever by their parent, out of hatred, or out of love. But it differs, — for Kerubim, an eternal life, marred by death, by disease, is a pleasure, because he has his loved ones. But Lysmee... isn't living. She is suffering, forever.

Agard and Kerubim reflect one another by loving their fathers despite how bad things were, but having a way to move on, just a little, and try to be better fathers themselves, — separate from their toxic parent. But Kerubim will always have to look behind his back, to police his speech, to try and please Ecaflip, — because he is always watching, and he can always take all of Kerubim's freedoms back, at the snap of the fingers.

The way Kerubim experiences his haunting by Cire Momore is emblematic of his relationship with Ecaflip — everpresent, clouding over his thoughts, yet, if he focuses on moving forward, he can ignore it, if just for a bit.

The way it ends, is also a reflection of their relationship: only Ecaflip can choose, when, exactly, Kerubim stops suffering, — and he will keep him in danger, until Kerubim gives him what he wants.

Kerubim tries to free himself of the pain that his relationship with Ecaflip brings him by using fatherhood, but only ends up mirroring the dynamics that caused him pain. Joris wishes he could help him, but he is literally seven, and he has no idea how, — besides staying by his side, together, for eternity. Suffering from a very similar pain to Kerubim, but because of Kerubim himself.

Forcing himself to parent his own parent, to try and lead him from his pain.

Lysmee tries to free herself from the pain of her mother's abuse with romance, but the circumstances against them are far too strong, — Gustav can't even begin to help her. No matter how much he wishes he could. The only thing he could do for her is to die and be cursed together for eternity.

The same way Ecaflip is the only one who can save Kerubim, and the only one who could have saved Lysmee was Ephedre, the only one who can save Agard is Lance Dur, — because, as I had pointed out, all of them are the reason of their pain.

But the difference is that Lance Dur truly loves Agard. He might not have been the best father, he might have hurt him, but he loves Agard, enough to make sacrifices.

And if it took her mother's hate to doom her, it's quite poetic that it took a parent's love and determination that can finally set Lysmee free.

[brettdoesdiscourse]

I see this take a lot, so let's talk about it. I encourage pro shippers to play along too! TW for discussions of rape, pedophilia, and violence

Define romanticizing and fetishizing in this context. Like, just define it in your head for me. Okay, got it? So, I'm going to imagine a lot of what came up was, "oh depicting pedophilia or rape in a way that's not explicitly bad" or "depicting pedophilia or rape in a way intended to be arousing."

So, how do we determine that's the author's intention or just the way the story needs to be told? Hear me out here.

Let's say we read something where a minor character is taken advantage of by an adult. The scene is very graphic and the minor character never says no or expresses discomfort. In fact, maybe they even enjoy it.

Is this romanticizing or fetishizing pedophilia?

Or is it portraying a very accurate experience for a lot of CSA survivors? In a lot of cases, the child trusts the adult taking advantage of them and may have even been groomed into thinking this was okay. In addition, it's very common for rape survivors of all ages to experience physical pleasure during the act. It's something many rape survivors hold a lot of guilt over. This goes doubly when we look at children who may not have the worldview to realize "hey, this should not be happening."

It's very important for survivors to see their experiences represented and to be told, "hey, this is a valid experience. This is a common experience even." It's part of healing and not feeling so alone in your trauma. It's part of realizing, "this was still abuse even if I didn't feel the 'right' way during it."

Let's take another example. Let's say we have a rape scene written from the perspective of the abuser. I see this talked about as a point a lot.

Is it less acceptable to have a rape scene written in the abuser's perspective? Okay. If so, how do you feel about things written from the perspective of a murderer? How do you feel about shows such as Hannibal or Dexter? What about games where you play a killer and you actively enjoy the violence of killing the other characters?

If one of these is more acceptable to you, why? Oftentimes, we have a certain stigma around sex and how it's presented in the media. Things that are sexual in nature are often criticized harsher than things that are violent in nature. There isn't anything that makes these two fundamentally different except our own personal discomfort for one or another.

[shrimplymoray]

Neurodivergent, traumas and of sorts headcanons for creepypasta

Why? cuz obviously a bunch of traumatized psychos who live in a manor together can't not be neurodivergent and/or mentally ill in some way.

part 1 of some. idk when i'll make more but i like these.

feat. Jeff the Killer, Homicidal Liu + Sully, Jane the Killer and Ticci Toby

TW: Trauma discussion, Child abuse, PTSD discussion.

Jeff the Killer

Jeff and Liu grew up in a heavily catholic family, so you can imagine for a very emo and punk kid like Jeff it was hard to deal with.

Jeff, in my au, has Bipolar disorder, beside anger issues, and due to his family (excluding Liu) belief it was "the devil doing this to their son", he is neglected any sort of mental help.

Due to this religious trauma of being dragged to churches and being treated with physical violence for his likings and attitude, Jeff never learned a good coping mechanism, and resorts to violence to relief himself from his negative emotions.

When he is in a specially depressive episode, he tends to isolate himself and do the bare minimum to be alive.

But on his maniac episodes, he tends to be extra aggressive and violent. It was in one of those that he did his first killing spree.

Homicidal Liu and Sully

Like i said, Liu and Jeff grew up in a very catholic family. While Jeff's likings collided a lot with their parent's beliefs, Liu's were more accepted, albeit reluctantly.

Their parents had very high expectations of Liu, and whenever Liu didn't meet those, he was phisically punished.

Liu, was very distant from both of his parent's, due to fear of them, and he also didn't have many friends due to the excessive times his family moved in and out of cities.

Liu due to the physical abuse, reclusiveness and lack of attachment to anyone, including Jeff on his earlier years of life developed DID.

He only learned about DID, after Jeff's attack, when he was 15, though.

Besides DID, and him meeting with Sully, his protector, Liu also has heavy insomnia issues and PTSD from beds. Due to that he has a coffee addiction.

Sully, after being split, held a trauma holder role on the system. He grew very angry at Liu's parents, and slowly but surelly started having a more protector role, not only for Liu but, at the time, for Jeff.

After Jeff's attack, Sully grew even more bitter and split himself again, his trauma holder role staying with one part and himself, Sully, staying as a protector. That's when Liu noticed how sociopathic Sully grew.

Jane the Killer / Jane Arkensaw

Jane, before the Jeff incident, was completely normal. The max she had was one or other little insecurities with her appearance, but she had a safe and healthy childhood and family.

She was shy, but nothing that would be deemed worrysome.

After what Jeff did, whoever, her insecurities with her appearance ran out of the roof.

She always covers as much of her body as she can, too worried about anyone seeing her burnt scars and almost leathery skin.

She has an immense hate for Jeff, obviously, but she is extremely empathic with the ones that got hurt by him, including inside the manor by some reason and other people who were hunting him down, like Sully for example.

After her kidnapping, and even before that, after Jeff's burning alive, she grew a extreme anxiety disorder, and regularly does trades with Ann to get medication for it without having to notice Slenderman or the proxies.

She has heavy traumas of kidnapping, torture and tends to have panic attacks when assigned something like that.

Ticci Toby

Toby, of course, has Tourette's syndrome, as stated by his killer name.

Though in this au, Toby's main motor tics are more concentrated on his face, like multiple repeated blinking. Other tics he has is jerking his head to the left, stomping his feet, and turning his eyes around.

On the vocal tics category, he mainly ends up repeating sounds, while rarely he may repeat a word or whistle.

He also has CIPA, and that is what made him be so enthranced by fire since a young age. He didn't feel the burnt or the hurt, he only saw the pretty colour of fire.

Toby has some heavy trauma of cars, which results in most of his missions he walking to his victims. He only accepts entering on a car if another proxy is the one driving, and he can't be on the front.

Toby also has heavy trauma of drunk people, so most times on the comemorations inside the manor, he will stay in his room or outside putting something on fire.

He copes with most of his traumas and fears and honestly anything he can by putting stuff on fire or throwing stuff at people and getting away with it by being a proxy.

Happyness is in the little things <3/j

Toby also has ADHD, with an emphasys on the hiperactive.

He has trouble remembering stuff that are not written down, so if you hear an alarm going off in the middle of the night, it's probably Toby trying to remember something.

i'mma stop here because i got tired lol but this was fun.

[meta-squash]

Yet another piece for @shamelessdvdcommentary. I really appreciate getting to ramble on about my fic and also my thoughts on Mickey and characterization and things!

Abrade Summary: The immediate aftermath of 3x06. Mickey can't stop thinking about it.

[TW for discussion of rape aftermath in this post/fic]

Give us some stats - (when you wrote it, word count, how long it took to finish, is it a one-shot/multi-chapter, etc) This fic fell out of my fingers in one go, I think I wrote it in about 2 hours at 11pm in January 2019. It's a oneshot, 2,834 words.

What was the initial inspiration for your story? I had a mental image of Mickey sitting on the couch by himself just staring at nothing and then Terry leaning down and telling him to clean up, and I had also just read something for a different fandom that had very little punctuation and a lot of run-on sentences. I liked the anxiety and panic in that, and my brain switched on.

What was your favourite scene to write? I really liked the little detail of Mickey dumping the entire box of detergent into the washing machine because he just doesn't have the capacity to think about or care about measuring. I also really like the end, seeing/feeling that scene in the abandoned building from Mickey's point of view and his inability to react to Ian yelling at him.

How did you come up with the title? Just the idea of being emotionally/mentally/physically raw and worn away. The Mickey we see in the show post 3x06 is trying so fucking hard to keep the walls up and keep up appearances. But he feels so vulnerable and skinless and hurt, and I wanted to see that immediate aftermath reaction where he's all by himself and doesn't necessarily have to fake it for anybody and/or literally can't fake it because the trauma is too painfully fresh.

Are there any little moments or references you hope readers will notice? That almost the entire fic is long punctuation-less run-on sentences until the very end, after Ian yells at Mickey in the abandoned building and leaves and Mickey starts shooting his gun again.

Favourite line in the story? There are lights on in your house and you don't know if dad is home or what's going to happen when you step inside or who knows what happened since you left but fuck it because you're already half-dead right you always knew this was going to happen right you probably fucking deserved it right you're a goddamn Milkovich fucking a dude in your own goddamn house what the fuck else did you expect to happen certainly not a fucking celebration certainly not a fucking hug certainly not a surprise party Terry already got his surprise goddamn party.

Did the storyline change in any way as you wrote the story? I don't think I had a real storyline planned. This fic fell out all at once, completely linearly. I just started going and then stopped when it felt natural. I remember typing so fast because it was just a sudden blast of inspiration.

What are you most proud about in the story? (plot, characterisation, dialogue, twist/cliffhanger, etc) I love the pacing. It's so panicky and frantic, it really makes you feel for Mickey. I struggled with it a little bit, because the lack of punctuation sometimes makes it a little hard to read/parse what's going on, but I actually really like that because it feels like it's just another way of illustrating how Mickey is feeling, all tangled up and lost and hurting.

Are there any ‘behind the scenes’ info you’d like to share - e.g. what’s going on in a characters head in a certain scene or how you came to write a certain line? I really wanted to show the way the emotional trauma shows up as a physical reaction and vice versa; Mickey being unable to put clothes on but also unable to be naked so he puts everything on vs Mickey feeling like he can't even look at another person without wanting to commit violence. Or Mickey feeling like he's too much inside himself but also totally dissociating, basically all the physical and emotional sensations and contradictions that come with trauma and how much they switch back and forth and stuff.

Are there any ‘easter eggs’ in your story - e.g. references to other stories you’ve written, a trope you often use etc? Mickey vomiting on the dishes in the kitchen sink. I established it in this fic but I've mentioned it in 3 other fics now. I think it's such a great detail in that it's small but so visceral and intense and awful. I think it's important that a reaction be equal or nearly equal to its catalyst in some way, and I think it's also really important in storytelling to indicate the severity of an event in indirect ways. I think the upsetting/humiliating/gross nature of vomiting onto dirty dishes and not having the mental capacity to do anything about it is a good way to indicate the awfulness of Mickey's rape and just how badly it's traumatized him even if he doesn't have the language or ability to talk/think about it.

Were you nervous or excited to post this story? I think I bashed this story out in 2 hours, barely proofread it, and then just put it out in the world because I was so excited by it. It was just a flash of inspiration. I wish I could remember what music I was listening to when I wrote it.

Anything else you’d like the readers to know about the story? It was the first fic for the Shameless fandom that I wrote in second person POV, and it reminded me how much I love that as a stylistic choice. It also became the unintentional prequel to my fic Proof Of What You Want, which also uses the second person POV mechanic. The grammar in this fic is all whack because of the lack of punctuation, but I really really wanted the reader to feel that same level of breathless tension and panic and confusion through the inability to "rest" via commas while reading. I think it's a mechanic that worked really well.

[insoukokuhell-434]

Angst & Fluff - skk fics

The format I’m using is:

Title - writer (ao3 link)

Angst related to ( )

Fic length Time period (teen/mafia skk, 22! Skk, all ages) Additional tags (Tags in bold added by me for extra info) TW

Some fics have parts of the summary/ comments added for additional info

Willful Neglect - timeisdancing

Chuuya Dies (temporarily), Chuuya in Emotional & Physical Pain, Dazai's Grief and Guilt

27.9k 22 SKK Angst with a Happy Ending, Time Travel, Not a death fic - It starts off as a death fic but it does not stay that way Dazai Being An Idiot , Dazai Being An Asshole , But he learns his lessons and comes around. Dazai also starts off distant and then goes full simp, Clingy Dazai Dazai needs a hug, Chuuya needs a hug, Mutual Pining, Cuddling & Snuggling, Soft skk, Chuuya Uses Corruption, Dazai Takes Care of Chuuya Grief/Mourning, Self-Hatred, Guilt, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Gaslighting, Manipulation By Mori, Mori Ougai Being An Asshole

hide the truth - writingfromtheshadows

Chuuya's Amnesia, Soukoku in Emotional pain, Soukoku Fight, Dazai's Defection, Dazai's Suicidal ideation

24.6 k 22 SKK Amnesia, Canon Divergence, Unreliable Narrator, Developing Relationship, Pining,  Implied Sexual Content, Post-Dead Apple TW- Canon-Typical Violence, Dazai-Typical Suicide Mentions

Stay - the_most_happy

Dazai feels guilt, Soukoku Fight, Soukoku in Emotional & Physical Pain

23.6k 22 SKK AU - Canon Divergence Deaf Chuuya, sign language, Chuuya is so done, Dazai tries his best Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Chuuya in Denial, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Kiss Kiss Fall in Love, Idiots in Love, Love confessions in the rain because SKK are dramatic, Getting Together, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Skk's Unconventional Mating Rituals, Developing Relationship, Relationship Study, Soft skk Hurt/Comfort, Literal Sleeping Together, Domestic Fluff, Canon Compliant, Sweet

Around We Go (And Back Again)- by zombiemarker

Soukoku Fight, Soukoku in Emotional Pain

24.2k 22 SKK ADA Chuuya, Angst and Humor, Fluff, Dazai Osamu is Bad at Feelings, Nakahara Chuuya Is So Done, Nakahara Chuuya Needs a Break, Hurt/Comfort, ADA Ensemble, Minor Shin Soukoku TW- Attempted Murder

What doesn't kill me (makes me want you more) - the_most_happy

Soukoku Fight

5.5k 22 SKK (Post-Canon, Post-109) Character Study, Established Relationship, Enemies and Lovers, Love Confessions, Possessive Dazai, Caring Chuuya, Resolved Sexual Tension, non-Graphic Smut, Pillow Talk, Sleepy Kisses, Soft skk, skk’s Unconventional Mating Rituals, Canon Compliant

hey look, the sky's falling apart - saffroncassis    

Child Abuse, Dazai's Depression & Self harm

24.8k TEEN SKK (16/17) AU - Canon Divergence Hurt/Comfort, Protective Nakahara Chuuya, Developing Relationship Found Family (the Akutagawa siblings, Oda's kids, Kyouka, Oda, Ango) TW- Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse and discussions of both these

Summary - "At age 16, Chuuya defects from the Port Mafia and drags his partner with him not so much kicking and screaming as silently begrudging, and the rest follow suit in time."

For the Record - zombiemarker

Soukoku Fight, Dazai & Chuuya in Emotional/Physical Pain, Childhood Trauma

19.1k TEEN SKK  AU- Spies & Secret Agents Emotional & Physical Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Childhood Trauma, they get all dressed up and go to a gala, Implied Sexual Content, Literal sleeping together, Getting together, First kiss, Developing Relationship TW - Blood and Violence, Childhood Trauma

From tags: "Chuuya's a government experiment, Dazai's been with Mori for years, they've both got trauma now"

Love is not a victory march - osamuchuu

Dazai's Depression, Suicide Attempts and Drug Addiction

8.7k 22 SKK Soukoku taking care of each other, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Mental Illness, Depression, Drug Addiction, Blood and Injury, Healing, Recovery, Soukoku Tenderness, Light Angst TW -  Dazai-Typical Suicide References and Attempts, Addiction, Drug Use

Grown on me - Jules_tea

Chuuya in Physical and Emotional Pain

16.9k 22 SKK Alternate Universe - Post-Canon Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, Possessive Chuuya, Jealous Dazai, Caring Dazai, Chuuya Uses Corruption, a new mission but at what cost, Love Confessions, Getting Together TW- Dazai-Typical Suicide Mentions

From Summary - "Or, a story in which Nakahara Chuuya and Dazai Osamu come to accept their feelings, one way or another… and Dazai helps Chuuya finally accept himself."

They Were Different - nillakit

Chuuya in Emotional Pain, Soukoku Fight

11.9k 22 SKK Getting Together, Angst with a Happy Ending, They actually talk about shit

Lighter Angst

escalators to the moon - boyfangs

Soukoku Fight, Chuuya in Emotional Pain

20.6 k TEEN SKK AU - No abilities Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Emotional Constipation, First Kiss, Getting Together, Bickering, they’re both gay & petty, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort Found Family (Chuuya, Rimbaud, Verlaine)

Learning experiences by BlowingYourMind

Chuuya's PTSD

13k MAFIA SKK Light Angst, Fluff and Humor, missed childhoods, let them be children for once please and thank you, Chuuya-centric,  Chuuya Is So Done, Panic Attacks, Flashbacks, Dazai is a Mess, Chuuya Takes Care of Dazai, Dazai Takes Care of Chuuya, Dazai Needs a Hug, Chuuya Needs a Hug, they both get hugs Chuuya Uses Corruption, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Sharing a Bed, Cuddling & Snuggling, Soft skk, Mori Being An Asshole

From Summary: "Chuuya can't read. Dazai can't ride a bike. They both can't swim for one reason or another. All learning experiences they missed out on in their early childhood, though it seemed that they would need to make up for lost time."

Bitter/Sweet - Badwolf36

Chuuya in Physical Pain

4.1k Post-Corruption (Post-Dead Apple) Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Caring Dazai, Soft Dazai, Chuuya Needs a Hug, Angst, Stabbing, First Aid, Denial of Feelings, denial, pain

Please like/reblog if this helped u find a fic, I'd be delighted to know <33

Angst with a Happy Ending fics

Soukoku Fic Rec Masterlist

[385bookreviews]

2.230 The Spirit Bares Its Teeth by Andrew Joseph White

SPOILERS

Pages: 381

Read Time: 4 hours and 51 minutes

Overall Rating: ★★★★★ Storyline: ★★★★★ Dialogue: ★★★★★ Characters: ★★★★★

Genre: YA Historical Fiction/Gothic Horror

TWs for the book: Transphobia, gore, body horror, medical content, deadnaming, forced institutionalization, medical trauma, abortion, misogyny/sexism, blood, death, SA/CSA, ableism, murder, torture, violence, physical/mental/emotional/child abuse, pregnancy, gender dysphoria, child death, confinement, p*dophilia, gaslighting, self harm, mental illness, homophobia, r*pe, domestic abuse, discussions of miscarriage, su*c*dal thoughts, panic attacks/meltdowns, vomit, animal death, cursing, abandonment, bullying, death of a parent, kidnapping, outing, classism, body shaming, religious bigotry

POV: First person; Silas Bell

Time Period/Location: 1883-1884 London, England

First Line: At least the doctors had the decency to kill me before they opened me up.

Set in Victorian Era England, autistic trans boy Silas Bell is a violet-eyed medium. People with violet eyes are members of the Royal Speaker Society, and are tasked with summoning the dead and taming hauntings. But only the men are allowed to do so, and the women are married off to rich, non-medium men in order to create more children for the Society. As young as 16, Silas' parents have already engaged him off to Lord Luckenbill's (the head of the Speaker Society) son, Edward Luckenbill. Silas, who wants to run away to transition and become a surgeon, forges his identity and dresses as a different boy in order to gain his Speaker's seal. However, when he arrives, he is given to his brother George to be chaperoned by, who recognizes him immediately. George tentatively agrees to help him, and he goes up in front of the whole society to perform his test and receive his seal. Unexpectedly his test is to execute a woman who practiced opening the Veil, by opening the Veil himself and suffocating her in the land of the dead. He refuses, giving the woman time to stab the guard holding her. Silas and George immediately rush over to help him, and Silas stitches him back together. When George's medical license is threatened over the incident, Silas reveals himself in the presence of his parents. Before he can be taken to jail or executed for such a crime, Lord Luckenbill tells him and his parents of Braxton's Finishing School, a sanitorium for violet-eyed women afflicted with "Veil sickness" to go and be trained to be perfect wives. Veil sickness was nothing more than a hysteria label for women who weren't perfect in the eyes of society, but his parents believed he was afflicted by it and agreed to send him there. Silas tries to flee but is assaulted by his father, before being whisked off by Lord Luckenbill and Edward. He arrives at the school and is immediately made to strip and bathe in front of Mrs. Forrester, a teacher at the school.

He then meets Isabella, another student at the school, along with Mary, a seemingly cruel and manipulative girl, Ellen, a tall girl with a lot of anger who listens very closely to Mary, Louise, who is a little bit of a coward, Charlotte, who believes everything the Headmaster tells her and plays the perfect woman, and 14 year old Agnes. Agnes, who is pregnant by her much older suitor, Dr. Bernthal, is made prepared to leave the school. Angry and encouraged by an equally wrathful Mary, Ellen throws Agnes over the banister of the stairs. When asked who did it, Silas says it was Ellen, and she is taken by the Headmaster and doesn't return. Upon his first meeting with Edward, it is revealed that her name is actually Daphne and she is trans just like Silas. She is very accepting of their engagement and of his autism, and Silas is relieved. During their meeting, letter tiles that Speakers use to communicate with spirits fly out of the cabinet, claiming to be Ellen and another former student Frances, telling Silas to run. Daphne and Silas dedicate themselves to finding out what happened to the girls and bringing it to Lord Luckenbill's attention so he would shut down the school. During this time, Silas is subjected to lessons about being a good wife, and the Headmaster uses physical violence to try and make Silas realize he isn't a boy, and also s*xually assaults him. Silas meets the groundskeeper, who is autistic just like him, and they try to work together to figure out the mystery until they are caught by Mrs. Forrester, the Headmaster's wife. As punishment, the girls are shown one of Dr. Bernthal's patients, a former student named Harriet. Afflicted with "Veil sickness", Dr. Bernthal had removed her tongue, eyes, and teeth, leaving her a tortured shell. Mrs. Forrester has a breakdown as Harriet was one of her fellow students while she was a student there as well.

Desperate for help, Silas writes George to come and visit. He tries to tell him of the missing girls but he calls him sick and crazy, and then shows him why he was really there: to treat Mrs. Forrester. The Headmaster made her walk with glass in her shoes to keep her "Veil sickness" at bay. At the Garden Party, Daphne and Silas discover that the bodies are being kept in the dressing room and wonder how to find a way in. It is also announced that Isabella is to be married to her much older suitor, another doctor, like Agnes. That night, Silas walks into the bathroom to find Isabella cutting her stomach open to remove the three month old fetus inside so she wouldn't be married off. Silas helps her and performs the rest of the C-section, Mary and Louise helping as well. Just as Silas finishes the procedure, the Headmaster and Mrs. Forrester walk in, and he takes Isabella away and the rest of the girls are locked away in their room. Upon being freed, the other girls are allowed to go but the Headmaster and Dr. Bernthal try to detain Silas. Mary attacks the Headmaster and steals the keys to the dressing room. Silas runs down and finds a hidden basement with Isabella's body, where she was vivisected (dissected alive). Frances and Ellen's ghosts are also there. Mary and Silas are then locked in the basement. When the door opens again sometime later, the Headmaster, Dr. Bernthal, and another man are there to vivisect Silas. Silas realizes the other man is his brother George, and begins pleading for his life. He is about to be cut open when Daphne arrives demanding to see Silas, and they get him up and presentable, but threaten to kill Mary if he says anything to Daphne. He manages to tell Daphne anyways, and sneaks into the Headmaster's office with the help of the groundskeeper. He begins searching through files to find evidence of their crimes, but is tricked by Charlotte and Louise and Charlotte calls for Mrs. Forrester. When she arrives, Silas grabs the letter he needs and rips open the Veil, and all of the ghosts Headmaster killed in the war come flooding out, freezing the school and causing it to collapse under the frost. Daphne and Silas race to the basement, where his brother is gone, but Headmaster and Dr. Bernthal are frozen to death. They grab Mary and run and are picked up by Lord Luckenbill.

After a long sleep at Luckenbill Manor, Silas awakes and lets Lord Luckenbill into his room. He shows him the proof of the vivisections, a letter from his brother to the Headmaster, but Lord Luckenbill knew about it. He is only angered by the fact that they touched Silas. Then he reveals that he wants to marry Silas instead of marrying him to Daphne, and that he had been watching Silas since he was a child and waiting for him to be old enough to marry as Silas reminded him of his dead wife. Silas refuses, and Luckenbill tries r*pe him. Silas kills him with a piece of glass to his throat and chews out his eyeballs. Daphne and Mary saw the whole thing, and they escape the manor.

One year later, Silas and Daphne are married and living as their respective genders. Mary invites them to Manchester for Christmas, and when they go, they discover she has also invited Agnes and her baby. Agnes asks Silas if he wants to kill his brother, and the book ends.

Silas Bell (Gloria Bell, Silas Barry): Silas is one of, if not the most, relatable characters I've ever read. His autism was very accurately portrayed, and shows that even if someone "looks normal" they can still be autistic, just masking due to trauma. His anxiety is also portrayed as a rabbit that lives inside of his chest and repeats the words of the people who have abused him. When he decides to refuse Lord Luckenbill and then subsequently kills him, there is a wonderful metaphor/description of him strangling the rabbit and snapping its neck. This isn't a permanent cure for his anxiety, however he no longer lets it govern him and no longer hears his insecurities in the voices of the people who hurt him. I loved his constant stimming, and how it wasn't overdone but definitely still relevant in his every moment. The struggle he has of constantly being around people and sometimes wanting touch and other times not resonated a lot with me personally, as did his feelings about his gender and how that intersected with his feelings about being born female. Another huge thing that I love about the way Andrew Joseph White writes his trans characters is that none of them hate being trans, even when faced with so much hardship because of it. Silas explains that he has a much deeper understanding of himself than most people and even if he could magically make himself "normal" he never would. Silas still experiences trans joy even in the most trying of times and that is one of the most beautiful things about his entire character.

Daphne Luckenbill (Edward Luckenbill, Daphne Barry): I loved Daphne the whole book and how gentle and understanding she was with Silas. She always made a safe space for him, and he did the same for her, and was willing to help him no matter what. I also loved that she didn't at all blame Silas for her father's death, and made no justifications for his disgusting actions.

Mary Carter: You really hate Mary at first because she seems to be very cruel and conniving, but you end up gaining a lot of understanding and sympathy for her. Her connection with Frances and their love surpassing the Veil was moving, and she had an excellent character arc throughout the whole book.

Storyline: I was on the edge of my seat for this entire book. I really thought Silas wasn't going to make it at certain parts and was preparing myself for a tragedy. While some of the plot twists (such as George being one of the doctors doing vivisections) I saw coming, it didn't matter as the reveals were still just as gut wrenching. The body horror was insane but not at all overdone, and the whole thing overall was a beautiful and gory commentary about misogyny, ableism, and transphobia, not just in Victorian England, but even in today's day and age.

Representation: Silas is FtM transgender and bisexual and has autism, anxiety, and trauma. Daphne is MtF transgender. Mary and Frances are lesbians. The groundskeeper was non-speaking autistic. There were not any people of color in this book, but there is an author's note at the end speaking to the historical accuracy of the book where Andrew Joseph White explains that it is important to acknowledge that a lot of the torture and abuse Silas faces in the book was most commonly done on people of color throughout all of history.

Summary: Not only was this book incredibly well written and well researched, it gave very accurate representation of autism that I've never seen before. Just as in Hell Followed With Us, Andrew Joseph White portrays the trans experience as so much more than what people think it is on the surface. The way Daphne, Silas, Mary, and Isabella all changed the usage of names and pronouns immediately upon finding out either Daphne or Silas was trans was such a relief after reading the atrocity that was The Art of Being Normal (see earlier book review 2.96 for all of the reasons I violently despise that book). This is definitely one of the best books I have ever read and I will continue to be reading any and everything that Andrew Joseph White writes.

Quotes: "They can't keep scraping away layers of me thinking they can find the girl they want underneath... All of this is me. They can't just remove whatever they want."-Silas Bell (p. 87) "A strange thing about being a boy like me is how difficult it is to untangle the truth of yourself from the world's perception of you. Because, yes, I am a boy. I am just as much a man as my father and brother, just a different kind. Acknowledging this has made my life almost bearable; it's taken a terrible weight off my shoulders, given me an answer for why I feel the way I do. But I still connect with women. I find companionship with them, closeness that cannot be denied, because the world will always do its damnedest to see me as one of them. As long as we are seen the same, we will experience the same. Our lives will be linked. I will be held to the same unfair standards, punished under the same unjust rules. To separate how you are seen from who you are sometimes feels nigh impossible."-Silas Bell (p. 94) "'... I like being like this. All of it. Even if it makes things hard.' And that's true. Knowing these things about myself has given me an insight, an understanding of the way I move through the world that a great many people lack. I would never give that away."-Silas Bell (p. 204) "I tell her that the two of us are the same, mirror images of each other, our experiences so fundamentally opposite that they become identical again."-Silas Bell (p. 301) "If you're expecting some grand wisdom about love... you're sorely mistaken... It's merely asking the other person what they want for supper every day for the rest of your life."-Daphne Luckenbill (p. 378)