#tw negative thinking

[sewerelk]

One down and an undetermined number more to go.

[jynxedshapeshifter]

I mentioned a while ago during my second playthrough of AA4 that I managed to pinpoint the exact moment this case turns Klavier's world upside down (that being, the moment he realizes Kristoph manipulated him), but I don't remember if I ever posted screenshots of what I meant by that. These are those screenshots. Immediately after this, Klavier requests permission to ask Vera a question. This question is what the first non-painting forgery she made was. He gets confirmation that the forgery was what he thinks it was and breaks down.

Now at first, one might be inclined to say "Well, we don't know that he made the connection to Kristoph, he could've thought Phoenix commissioned the forgery!" but I disagree, because the internal conflict that Kristoph planted in him by telling him Phoenix was going to present forged evidence is why Klavier took a break from prosecuting. Klavier was already suspicious of Kristoph at this point. Klavier doesn't seem even a little surprised when he mentions to Kristoph that not only is he being accused of murder again, but Apollo's the one accusing him. Again.

There's so much Klavier was probably feeling here. Betrayal, if we assume he put the pieces together and realized Kristoph commissioned the forgery. Guilt, assuming he, at the very least, realized Phoenix didn't commission the forgery. Anger, because what the fuck.

This was such a dick move on Phoenix's end too. This whole case is Phoenix using Kristoph's former employee and Kristoph's younger brother as pawns against him. Sure, you could argue that Phoenix thought this was a good way to make Klavier aware of Kristoph's actions, but at the same time, I can't really help but feel like Phoenix also did this because it was Klavier who accused him of forgery, even if subconsciously. We know he's willing to hold a years-long grudge because he does exactly that with Kristoph.

It's interesting because it shows multiple things about Phoenix:

He's not above using manipulation to get what he wants (justice, in this case)

He's not above using people as pawns in his plans

When he wants revenge, he will get it, even if that means emotionally fucking over multiple people (because even if he wasn't trying to get revenge on Klavier, he absoloutely fucked him over emotionally. I can't imagine Kristoph's involvement in this case was good for Apollo emotionally either)

The ONLY reason Phoenix is better than Kristoph in AA4 is because Phoenix is manipulative for the sake of justice, while Kristoph is manipulative for the sake of his own ego. They're on total opposite ends of the morality spectrum but both manipulate and use people for the sake of their own goals (and they both specifically manipulate and use Apollo and Klavier and each other for the sake of these goals).

It's fascinating, and I'm honestly really sad that this is the only time we see this side of Phoenix, even if it does make sense why this is the only time we see this side of Phoenix (and it's also probably a good thing this is the only time we see this side of Phoenix because I think if we ever saw it again, we'd know something fucked up is going on).

Idk. Klavier needs a hug and Phoenix shouldn't have taken out his bitterness toward Kristoph on Apollo and Klavier regardless of how good his intentions were

[waywardsunlight]

Hunter and Luz's deaths being reverses of each other is crazy work in so many ways. Hunter is working on his emotional well-being, and beginning to accept himself. He lists the things he wants to do in order to stay focused so he can take himself (and Belos) out. Hunter hasn't been able to fully escape his trauma, in fact it literally overtakes him and he hurts people he loves, and he's holding onto the potential life he won't get due to Belos. Hunter's possession is forced on him, it's out of his control, it's the unfair expectations and history of violence that he could try and recover from but it still a part of him.

Luz has been in the exact opposite mindset. She's been really depressed and doesn't see a future for herself where she doesn't hurt everyone in her life because of her guilt. Luz is planning to sabotage her friendships in order to protect her friends from her perceived "brokeness". But her death is sudden and shocking, her sacrifice isn't made out of guilt but of an inherent impulse to save somebody else. Luz has to choose to come back, and she accepts a "possession", where she's in control. Luz has to accept that she's good, that she is worthy of life because she's here, right now, and she is enough.

They both also deal with the aftermath differently, with Hunter grieving and being angry at himself for what happened (which Luz and their friends perceive as him being angry at them). Hunter wants to get revenge on Belos at first, but then his focus shifts to protecting his friends and fighting for the Isles instead. Luz comes back with a lot of joy and excitement, she's happy to be alive again and its fun and she's more than happy to get revenge. After that fades, Luz is left tired. But they both end the series getting on the same page- they both love their families, and they both choose to live.

[ohitslen]

Intrusive thoughts

[usagifuyusummer]

By the Angel(s) Will

♥️ Proceed.

...

He won't be suffering anymore once you PROCEED, Noelle. Please listen.

.... Kris, I can't-! This doesn't feel-

YOU WE NEED HIS WINGS TO ASCEND ASCEND ASCEND ASCEND ASCEND ASCEND ASCEND GET STRONGER.

NO!!! I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS, KRIS!

Then, this bloodshed will never end- I-ca-!

♥️ PROCEED, NOELLE.

There's also another fanart that has similar themes to this. I think it's pretty neat. https://www.tumblr.com/fazsion/785376949530984448/alternate-ending-click-for-better-quality?source=share

Extra stuff down here, lmao (I yapped a bit in the alt text of the artwork).

They both took Berdly's wings to ascend.

My progress video. You can tell I was struggling with the backgrounds fagshdjjahagwusjje. I SUCK AT COLORING AND BACKGROUNDS SO BAD YOUR HONOR!!!! BUT I WILL LEARN!!! 😭😭😭😭😭✍️✍️✍️🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

(I learned how to draw blood here. It doesn't look much, but I tried.)

But really...., I didn't know what to do with the background of this fanart. I just wanted to try and draw the pose that Vivinos posted recently.

Also, do monsters bleed in Deltarune? I think they do not in Undertale. So far, monster biology in Deltarune has a lot of speculation instead of concrete facts/evidence. The way we know that monsters don't bleed in Undertale because if you do the Genocide route, you literally see them turn into dust. But, in Deltarune, for Genocide mode so far, you freeze them. So, that doesn't really help confirming how monster biology works in this universe, lol. There's only a lot of borrowing information from Undertale to understand how Deltarune monster society works.

So yeah, if you're reading until this point, thank you! Hope your day goes well. (Post might be edited if there are issues.)

[smal5504]

bleeesuashuhfg im still not over it can you tell

yapping down beloe :>

as a wise kikuo once said "search!!! search!!! where are you enemies!!! search!!! search!!!" (in reference to la la la rasen no naka RHSFJSKGDHCFJ)

la la laaaaa so first of all many elements of this are based off of my cool cool bfdia pin imaginings animated series the link takes you to the tumblr upload of part 6 to the series!!! because it best pertains to this episode and drawing YAY YAY YAY i dont know what else to yap im jus really really REALLY proud of this ♡♡♡ /vvvvvpos /silly red pushpin attempts to counter debiliating anxiety and self hatred by putting on a whole show affirming that shes utterly unlovable, lives to regret it

also pleek obserb my bin beefydie-yay hyperanalysis video presentation it would be quites the appreciating

okay goobeye eid mubarak

[altarfates]

I think it might be time for me to actually take a proper break.

I’m not finding joy in my hobby right now and I’m not sure if it’s coming off the back of these last two to three weeks being stressful and now I’m not sleeping ontop of it. I just can’t keep up I can’t bring myself to produce writing that people will enjoy reading and not feel like I’m hating writing in the process. I think I just need some down time after this week is over and the bathroom is done and my life can return to some semblance of normality. it just sucks because you get to the point where the things you like just don’t feel like something you like anymore.

[aelirus]

I meant to say this yesterday morning. For no reason except that this just tends to happen over time and I'm mentally ill.

CALL ME SELFISH... but I love being credited with ideas I've given others or that helped inspire something else for someone. I love it so never worry about @'ing me or telling me that. You don't have to and it typically slips people's minds especially if they liked something enough to make it their own, and I'm sure I do it plenty too (never be afraid to come on my post or in my comments or dms and claim an idea thats yours btw. Tell em!!!)

Actually, the more selfish part comes from the fact that if I think my part is not being acknowledged in something I turn evil as fuck (just annoyed), which I am working on by just ignoring the thing. Because I know I can't claim ideas or thought processes. I just figure I should warn.

[helpami-flaffy]

EPIC THE MUSICAL OPINIONS, VERY OPINIONS, VERY MINE.

IF YOU DON'T WANT SOME NEGATIVITY DON'T READ. THIS IS NOT PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE I SWEAR.

MOSTLY COMPILED AT NIGHT, SOME REVISION.

PLEASE DO NOT COME AT ME.

.....................

After this saga I'm left kind of perplexed about epic.

What is epic trying to say here? What's the musical's stance on ruthlessness?

Because it isn't very clear to me anymore.

Is it bad? Is it good and just? Is it a necessary evil? Is it worth becoming something monstrous just to achieve your goals?

The thing I'm trying to say is:

Is epic a tragedy or a triumph?

Until the vengeance saga I thought it was the former, but now I'm not so sure.

Throughout the story Odysseus takes desicions that either side with what I'll call the 'open arm mentality' or the 'ruthless' mentality.

He gets punished for both a number of times.

He kills Astianax so he doesn't have to fear his future vengeance.

He spares Polyphemus and that leads to 558 men dying.

He appeals to Circe's humanity and that leads her to freeing his men and helping him get to the underworld.

He sacrificed 6 men to Scylla and that leads to 'mutiny' and 'thunder bringer' where the rest of his crew dies and he ends up in calypso's island where she imprisoned him for 7 years.

First act of ruthlessness= good outcome

First act of open arms= bad outcome

Second act of open arms= good outcome

Second act of ruthlessness= bad outcome

(I forgot to add the sirens, that encounter is kinda strange tho.  Ody kills all of them but I wouldn't call that ruthlessness. Ruthlessness is doing whatever needs doing to get what you want. He needed to know how to get home, and killing the sirens after doesn't matter in that context. I guess it's good for future sailors? I'll count this as an altruistic positive I guess)

This breakdown isn't perfect, lots of other things happen and some things Ody does can't really be neatly categorized by this simple metric imo, but I'll continue anyway as it feels to me the story breaks down his actions in a sort of similar dichotomy.

All in all the 'good to bad' ratio seems pretty balanced, right? It's not always ruthlessness that wins the day, and 'open arms' solutions don't always work out.

So why does it feel like we're supposed to root for ruthless Odysseus? Why does it feel like the story wants us to believe that being the monster is a good if 'somewhat sad' outcome?

Why am I saying this? Well, it's 600 strikes.

Actually just- all the vengeance saga.

Why is what Ody does here supposed to be cool and awesome? Because, like, that is absolutely the angle here.

Complete with a, honestly absurd, anime power up and fighting-god-one-on-one moment.

Why does the story break down it's logic,  breaks suspension of disbelief (at least for me), to get Odysseus into a position were he can torture Poseidon into letting him go?

Wich?? Btw should not work??

Why is this how he wins?

Why are the ghosts of his friends and family no longer spectres of regrets for but terrifying promises of death?

What does this say? Was Odysseus wrong about their sacrifice? Was regret ever only a noose around his neck? I'm looking too deeply into this one lol.

In 'get in the water' we even get the obligatory appeal to Poseidon's mercy just to hammer down once again that 'open arms' doesn't work, even tho it's Athena's appeal to her father's mercy that set Odysseus free in the first place.

The saga ends with Poseidon asking Odysseus how he'll sleep at night after all of this and Ody, in admittedly the coldest line ever written on paper, says:

"Next to my wife"

...

This is cool.

Extremely cool even.

But that's kind of the problem I have with it.

The song ends in a badass way. This is meant to be the final zing to seal Odysseus' cool ass victory.

And in all of this, not once, does the story seem to recognize that...well...

Poseidon won.

Hell not even Poseidon recognized it!

I'm not even saying "OoOh if it was realistic Poseidon would have have won!" (Tho yeah, ask me about that, lol)

In the great ideological battle that's at the center of Epic: the musical, Poseidon was the ultimate victor.

Ruthless is what wins at the end, it's what gets Odysseus home. Odysseus might be a monster but he's a victorious one.

I feel people and the musical both don't really acknowledge that.

That even if Poseidon lost the battle he ultimately won the war.

Were is the irony? Where's the bitterness and sorrow? We're Poseidon's bloodied, mocking smirk revelling in his victory?

Is Epic a tragedy or a power fantasy?

[vinodiriso]

i have my exam today and i have never sweated quite as many bullets in my life

[generic-sonic-fan]

Shadow and the idea that he thinks he's ruined himself. Shadow and the idea that he had one shot to be perfect and now he's forever broken. Shadow and the idea that if he could just beat back the stupid emotions in his head, he could be the Ultimate Lifeform everyone needs him to be and fix everything and save everyone- but no. Now he's the sick one. Now he's the vulnerable one. Maria gave up her life for this.

And he blew it.

[legionofpotatoes]

no one told me my 30s would just be an endless stream of funerals for the people who raised me but here we are :)

[borderlinereminders]

need meds huh? guess your dbt pushing you do isn’t a cure all then…

I’ve literally never said it was.

I struggle with extreme depressive episodes, and my coping skills help me cope with my urges and self destructive tendencies during these periods. They also help me push myself through things I need. I think without these skills, my relationships wouldn’t be healthy, and I’d have done a lot of damage to my life if I was even still around.

But they don’t stop the episodes. The episodes come back every few weeks despite everything I’ve tried.

It’s valid if meds aren’t for some people. It’s valid if DBT isn’t for some people. There isn’t a single solution. We’re all different. And for people like me, a mixture of coping skills, lifestyle changes and medications seems to be the combo I need.

[altarfates]

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Accepting what has happened doesn't mean forgiving. Accepting and welcoming to nurture whatever negative situation you had been through doesn't mean you have to forgive at all costs who made you go through that, nor forget the pain. Accepting means knowing you cannot change what has happened but you can change how you look at and feel about it now, so that you can change your future too. You can free yourself from all that and move on. And it's all up to you. Also the amount of time you need to get there is up to you, do not fret it.

[botanikos]

Image text: It's Lisa Simpson giving her presentation with the words "I blocked and deleted anons for months, and left this blog/Stolas only for it to all keep going anyway."

Today, while singing around the kitchen after having a hard time at work, I had some "post-stress clarity" or whatever you want to call it.

I have been so exhausted, anxious, and genuinely saddened by the ongoing anonymous tirade that continues to mention my name (and others — but I don't speak for them, only myself). So allow me to make some clarifying statements, shall we? Not that I owe anyone a single word... besides, those I am close with or who know me know the truth. And let me just say thank you.

To everyone else, I refuse to apologize for making this post. As a victim of this circlejerk of an anonymous harassment campaign that people don't want to acknowledge or take seriously and just label as regular old "drama" even though it's been going on for months and that is fucking WILD — I am tired of keeping quiet. So here it is, why I "left."

1. My very first anonymous "criticism" was not that at all. I still wouldn't classify it as "hate" either, despite what others thought of it at the time. However, I have come to the conclusion now, months later, that it is entirely possible, and very likely, they mistook me for someone else. "Jude, that is awfully generous" ; no it isn't. It's what I believe to be true. My URL, at the time before it was changed to botanikos, was very similar to another person's. Knowing what I do now, it makes sense. No harm, no foul.

2. I have no real proof of who has been / is / was sending the constant barrage of anonymous messages. The Cam blog stepped up and said it was them. I believe they played a part in it, for sure, but considering things are STILL being said and I received messages even after blocking them. . . Huh. Interesting, don't you think? Anyways. . . That being said — Not once have I ever made a post about or directed towards another name that has been consistently mentioned in all of this, yet my posts were stolen and used. Linked, of course, because I took the reblog feature away. So again. . . The only things I have ever addressed are a select very few (2-3 messages at most) anonymous asks. I have. . . So many screenshots of messages I consistently received. Let that sink in.

3. "Just ignore and block. They will stop." If that were true, do you think I would have left this blog? No. Again, I don't know who is behind any of this, but it doesn't take rocket science to realize it's because I write Stolas and started befriending people? I assume that is what I am guilty of and what drew the attention? Coz otherwise, WHAT is the reason FOR ALL OF THIS/THAT? I'll wait, if anyone has a valid explanation. . .

4. Yea. I DID make a new blog! Wow! It's almost like I felt unsafe and anxious on this one after everything that's happened/been going on! And the only real way I saw myself regaining control of the situation was to take a few days away, shut down this blog, and start anew?!?! And even still, my name is being dragged around to other people. . . Funny how cowards don't want to ask or talk to me themselves about whatever curiosities they have. Huh! But no longer surprising. I'm just disappointed that I know 6 year olds with more decency and respect than the adults over here.

At this point, I am acutely aware that whoever is behind this, while I may not know their direct identity. . . It is SOMEONE or a group of people who are either close friends with one another and have interacted with me on some level (or the people around me) or they are someone I am close to and unaware of their double standards.

So, of course, I'm going to use a different name and different blog, be private and highly selective, and slow to follow people back or write anymore. Because my spirit and desire to be here while not entirely gone has been severely broken. If you feel like you need anything made clear or confirmed from me, just ask. I have screenshots of everything I need/felt was necessary. I'm an open book. Talk to me in private if you need anything more from me. But there's your explanation.

So let it fucking go. At this point, I'm done being sad about it; now I'm just furious. And if saying all of this makes you dislike me or question my character, I hope you take a moment to do a little reflecting yourself, too. Because nothing I've said above is in any way demeaning. I have given you my experience(s). This blog has brought me so much joy, and sparked new friendships that I am grateful for. But the fact remains that I had to leave. I have to be someplace else, and I'm not even fully present there either.