#tw: suicidial thoughts

[wild-pineapple-butt]

(ɔ ˘⌣˘)˘⌣˘ c) (@godless-crownless-king)

Snuggle the Pineapple ||| Accepting

@godless-crownless-king

It was just one of those days... where his mind was a dark muddled mess, toxic and negative thoughts swirling in his mind. Already, Renji was someone who didn't excel in the self confidence department, yet today, for some reason those self deprecating thoughts were weighing much heavier on his mind.

As he sat on top of the roof of Las Noches, staring out into the dark desert, his mind took him through the journey of his past up until now. Ever since coming here, this was his favorite place to go and find inner peace, looking out at the endless sand dunes, the rise and falls of the dunes cleansing out his mind.

With a sigh, he leaned and glanced over the side, wondering if he fell, just how long it'd take to plummet to the bottom. A tempting thought. Immediately, his mind conjured up an image of him laying on the cold hard sand, blood splaying out from his body, most likely void of life.

Was he better off like that..? It disturbed him to realize that image didn't affect him one bit, his heart and mind already numb from all the deaths he'd seen, all the trauma he'd gone through. He'd just be one life missing from the millions that already existed. What difference would it make?

Another exhale and sigh. What was he doing...? His head and eyes were starting to hurt, exhaustion slowly settling in. His body didn't want to move, only to sit here and stare out at the vast empty space. No sign of life, save for the small scorpions that occasionally darted out, scurrying off to wherever they were headed. Not even they wanted to keep him company. How funny.

His eyes glance down over the edge of the castle again, peering into the deep dark depths. It'd be a long way down... for sure. Would it hurt? Probably. Maybe... he'd try..?

No. Not today. Not today. With a resigned sigh, he gets up off his feet reluctantly, and jumps off the edge, smoothly landing at the bottom with a soft thud. Entering the castle from the front, his legs bring him down long various hallways to where he needed to go. The maze of hallways, ingrained in his brain, already knowing where his destination lay.

Aizen... he shuffles over to where his lover sat, reading a book. Without much of a warning, he takes the book and places it on the coffee table in front of them and proceeds to sit in the other's lap, facing him. Wrapping his arms around the other's neck, resting his weary head upon his lover's shoulders and closing his heavy eyes. This was his home now.

[brokenobstacless]

They say that someone dies when they no longer have a place in the world, I guess I died several years ago.

[rpdepartment]

all this time, i've felt like my time to go would arrive

that ɪᴛ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ʟᴀsᴛ ғᴏʀᴇᴠᴇʀ           i've been ｄｅｃａｙｉｎｇ

                                                                   moldy scaffolding                                                                       ritual strangling

                             no matter what i try, ɪ sᴇᴇᴍ ᴛᴏ sᴛᴀʏ ᴀʟɪᴠᴇ

[bi-naesala]

(TW: suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation)

After spending day after day in a cell, this interview they’re going to subject him to should’ve been a breath of fresh air, a nice break from the monotony of the inmate life, but Adachi couldn’t be more annoyed about it.

Who exactly thought he wanted to appear on TV? Oh right, they weren’t thinking about what he wanted at all; not that they ever did – he wouldn’t be here if the world had ever fucking listened to his needs – but c’mon, can’t a man be left in peace? He’s already agreed to live by the rules of this world, what else do they want?

 He’s already dreading this interview, and it hasn’t even started. Soon, he’ll be retrieved from his cell to be taken to a TV studio – ‘ cause apparently he’s dangerous, but not enough that he shouldn’t be let out of his cage – where first, he’ll be styled in a decent manner, as if there’s really the need for it, and then he’ll be drilled by questions about things that he’s sure won’t have anything to do with the actual case, all to sate people’s curiosity about the twisted mind behind Inaba’s serial murders.

If he’s lucky, he might at least get a reporter that will pretend to be sympathetic – or at least not judgmental – to get him to spill everything, and won’t try to humiliate him in front of the camera-- wow, talking about a very reassuring best case scenario here!

 Oh well, it doesn’t matter: what Adachi truly hates is that he’ll have to come up with something that will make his answers make sense. It’s not like talking about the TV world is a viable option: they’d think him mad!

Sure, they’d surely give him a lighter sentence if they believe he’s crazy, but then, wouldn’t they put him inside some mental facility? That feels even worse.

Besides, if he has to abide by the rules, he has to get the sentence he deserves, no matter how harsh it’s going to be. He isn’t going to run away.

 Geez, he can’t wait to be done with this, so he can go back to enjoy the solitude of his cell, hoping that this will be the last time he has to do something like this.

… It won’t be, won’t it? Even before he was caught, this case was making the rounds on TV; he doubts they’d back away now, not when they can torture him like this. One would guess that his desire not to be seen and get on with the sentence peacefully would be seen as something to encourage but no, he’s gotta do this fucking interview no matter what.

 … He wonders if they’ll let him wear Dojima’s tie. That’s one of the few things he’s been granted to keep, that and his suit; Adachi doesn’t know who’s pulling what strings for this, but he is a tiny bit grateful that he doesn’t have to wear the prison garb, though he has no idea if it’ll change once he gets his sentence.

He hopes it doesn’t. It was gift, after all, a gift from…

 As he fidgets with the tie, feeling its texture beneath his fingertips – a recently acquired habit – he can’t help but to think of the Dojimas.

Dojima senior comes to visit quite regularly. It used to take Adachi by surprise how relieved he felt each time the guard retrieved him for his visit, but by now, he’s gotten used to it: after all, there isn’t a person more stubborn than Dojima. If he says that he’s going to keep visiting him, he will continue visiting until he can.

He speaks of Nanako often, sometimes prompted by Adachi himself, though she’s never come to visit. Neither Adachi nor Dojima have ever brought that up knowing that, while Dojima can pull some strings to visit him himself, he can’t do the same for Nanako. Besides, she might be too upset if she sees him like this; now, Adachi isn’t sure about how much Dojima has told her about this ordeal, or how much she’s heard from the TV or her friends at school, but from the way he talks about her – “she misses you” – she must not know the entire truth. That, or she’s as forgiving as her cousin, which he hopes isn’t the case – she’s smarter than that c’mon.

Still, he wouldn’t mind seeing her again, or even just hearing her voice. He’d even be willing to help her with homework if she ever gets to visit… but it won’t happen, so he might as well stop daydreaming like that, lest he gets trapped inside a series of dumb fantasies that will never become true.

 Ugh, he really doesn’t want to do this interview, but what can he do about it? It’s not like he can leave…

Well, there is something he could do, a way that would put an end to everything.

As he caresses his tie, he wonders what would happen if he were to pull it too tight. Would someone even notice it, or would they just leave him to suffocate on his own? He’d be alone in death, just like he’s been in life.

It’s a thought that has already crossed his mind, since he has memory: even before he was aware of his death wish, he used to think about what would happen if he were to suddenly disappear, or die; he actually spent a lot of time fantasizing about this: at first, when he was still a naïve little boy, he used to imagine his parents, classmates and teachers attending to his funeral, crying from desperation and regret, because they should’ve treated him better, they should’ve paid more attention to him, but then he grew up.

Now, when he thinks about his death, all he’s able to picture is a tomb, dusty and ruined by the passage of time, just that. Nobody mourning, nobody crying, just a lonely tomb. After all, who would want to visit him?

 Images of Dojima and Nanako flash in his mind. They would mourn him.

 A sudden sense of sickness comes over Adachi…

 H-He’s gonna vomit any second now…

  Feeling like he can’t breathe anymore, he loosens his tie, but when that doesn’t seem to work, he throws it as far as he can.

Okay, it’s a bit better now. At least he can breathe.

 No, he can’t do that now: if he dies before he gets his sentence, the investigation will have to resume. Everything that happened would’ve been all for nothing.

If he has to play by the rules, then he must get his sentence. This story has to end.

 He thinks back at Dojima and Nanako. He can’t… Not to them…

 Ow, his head hurts.

 Adachi sighs, and goes to unroll his futon, so that he can lay down, hoping that some rest before the big event will help. At least he won’t feel too shitty when they come to retrieve him.

 No matter how much it sickens him, he knows these bad thoughts will surface again, but he’ll keep ignoring them.

Maybe after he gets his sentence, he’ll think about it, but for now, he has to stay alive.

 … What a pain.

[hurtfinch]

When will today be the last today?

[thefostermen]

No necesito que salven de mis pensamientos suicidas, esa batalla yo la perdí hace tiempo, necesito que me comprendan, la muerte es la única cura para eso que esta mal en mi cabeza y que los antidepresivos no pueden borrar.

[girlblogging9]

Sometimes I feel like I don't have much time here,every day a part of me leaves and doesn't come back. I didn't want to die without experiencing love.

[oneeighthundreddienow]

that moment when nobody knows and nobody can know what you're thinking, what you're planning, but ultimately.. it'll be for the best

[outcastxd]

— FULL NAME:  ella georgiana colmstoke. — BIRTHDATE / AGE:  1965.  as of 1986:  21.  as of 2022:  57. — SPECIES:  human. — OCCUPATION:  none as of the moment. — FACE CLAIM:  daisy ridley. — DEFAULT VERSE:  stranger things. — ALT VERSE(S):  

— BIOGRAPHY:  mentions of: heroin use, drug overdose, depressive and suicidal thoughts.

ella georgiana colmstoke is the youngest daughter of her family; having three brothers in front of her (1956, 1960, 1964). she was born and raised in kensington (1966), where her family’s lavish manor is located. her eldest brother was the model child, her middle brother was the brainy one, while her third brother was ever-so-slightly rebellious. she grew up in a loving home, well-educated and entered into the more elite circles of society as their status would more than comfortably allow.

late in the summer of 1979, her eldest brother was going for a drive one evening, when he was run straight off the road. impacting with the trunk of a tree, he died on impact. the entire family was absolutely shattered. somehow, most of them managed to pick up and move on, but not ella. ella took it the hardest. as time passed, she began to withdraw. from family, friends, even school.

as she was just about to turn 16, things took a darker turn. she would be discovered by her now eldest brother, in her bathroom, doped up on her newest hobby, drugs. he didn’t say anything to their parents, but he warned her that if she continued, they would be told. he thought the warning would be enough. ella continued on her downward spiral for two more years. before everything came to a head. in her 18th year, ella would attempt to overdose on heroin.

and very, very nearly succeeded. the housekeeper discovered her. she was rushed to hospital where they managed to save her life. ella was distraught, because she hadn’t died. her brothers pitied her, but her parents were absolutely mortified. she had family, distantly, in the states. it was decided without her permission that she would be sent there to break the shell she had wound herself in.

ella moved to the town of hawkins, indiana to live with her aunt, uncle, and four cousins. all that was expected of her was to keep away from the drugs. the family was nice enough, but she felt outcast from her own. she grew tired of the expectations laid upon her, the life she lived and the family she believed to hate her. ella still misses her brother, battling her inner demons, not wanting anything else but peace. by whatever means she can scrape it up.

[brokenobstacless]

Living this way day by day it's exactly like dying day by day.

[rpdepartment]

would anyone ᴄᴀʀᴇ would anyone ᴄʀʏ

if i finally stepped off this ledge tonight ?

[cast-away-nightmares]

Maybe I should I kill myself to get it over with

Maybe then the world would finally be nice to me

[heroes-fading]

tw for pretty in-depth discussion of fictional suicide attempts/suicidal ideation ///

i just. think a Lot about how the idea of “well ellie should have had a choice!” often ignores the implied fact that ellie, on the day she was entering the hospital, was struggling with some degree of suciidal ideation to the point where joel opened up about his attempt and ellie’s immediate response was:

“i know why you’re telling me this”

because she’d been so nonresponsive, so far removed from her usual self in her depression, that joel was worried for her and thought the story of him recovering from his attempt, feeling that hopeless, would resonate with her.

“yeah, i reckon you do” -- that’s....yeah. 

and she goes for the “time heals all wounds” to wrap it in a bow-- the cliche of “it gets better, you just have to give it time” that we give to people struggling especially with suicidial thoughts and joel in a moment of rare vulnerability says “it wasn’t time that did it” -- him telling her that he loves her and cares about her, that that is what healed him, that that is why he’s opening himself up because he doesn’t want her to hurt like he did. that it’s not just going to be time, he’s here and he’s not going anywhere whatever healing looks like for her. and it hits her like a gut punch because it’s the last thing she’s expecting and the thing that breaks through to her.

so if you’re asking the teenager with sucidial ideation, who has spent her entire life being told by an institution that she is inherently expendable and her life is worth nothing, coupled with her mom’s friend echoing that same sentiment -- of course she would have said yes. marlene with the “what would she want?” gee i wonder how putting her in a system that sees her as expendable would affect like worldview on top of countless traumas! and joel is the one person in her life who does not see her as worth sacrificing, who would mourn her and care about her to the point where he’s unwilling to mourn her even if it means she hates him. 

when people we love and care about go through something like that, we don’t go “oh i guess it’s your choice”. it’s “i will drag you kicking and screaming to go on with me if i have to because i love you and i don’t want to do this without you, because you are worth more than how you’re feeling right now.” it’s what tommy did for joel. he dragged him out of that ditch, took him to a medic camp even though joel swears up and down it’s what he wants and never lets him do it again and he can’t go on and do this. it’s what joel does later for ellie. 

so yeah.

no i don’t think joel should’ve woken up ellie like

“r u sure?”

[itzcherrybonbon]

TW: Suicide mention, KOSA, venting and ranting.

I'm going to scream. I swear to fucking god.

Firstly, I find out about KOSA this morning and nearly went insane. Whoever thought about this goddamn project is wrong on so many levels. I hope they don't pass the bill this year. Actually, I hope this project gets thrown in the fiery dump where it belongs and never gets brought up again. I nearly lost it, and if it happens I'm gonna be miserable and in so much trouble.

The "genius" who came up with KOSA and the fuckers who actually support this pathetic idea that came from the pits of hell are genuinely insane and deserve to burn. I don't care if I sound rude, KOSA and the idiot who made it deserve all my massive hatred, anger and death threats. Because why are you taking away the only fucking thing I have in this world to cope with? Why are you taking away my privacy and my rights? Why are you taking away my chance to escape from the real world for a brief moment, why is my chance to talk to my friends being taken away?? If you really want to "represent" us, then give us back our freedom and LISTEN TO US. FOR FUCKS SAKE.

Clearly this wasn't put into much thought at all and you are toying around with our mental health, because the consequences for KOSA are going to be fatal. Not only are the kids in danger from their information being leaked to their parents (parents nowadays are terrible and abusive in general, and the internet is LITERALLY OUR SAFE SPACE), but this is going to increase suicide numbers. And if I don't keep my shit together I might end up joining that cursed number too, maybe you'll change your mind then. Nah because this is the only way you adults are ever gonna learn your goddamn mistakes! Because you never listen to us kids, you're always "oh-so superior and all-knowing and basically an adult"

This project will cause a lot of damage to the kids' mental health and you're basically going to witness a high decrease of the population. Ain't no way most of us are going to survive this if the bill gets passed. Ever thought about that??

I'm genuinely too upset about this. The thought of never fucking having privacy or talking to my friends again (WHILE HAVING IN MIND A FEW OF THEM ARE FUCKING SUICIDIAL AND I TALK THEM OUT OF IT) is tormenting enough.

Please, for the love of god, keep spreading awareness about this terrible issue. Do anything please let's just never let this happen.

Secondly, I am genuinely upset with Tumblr's new desktop page design or whatever. It gives me claustrophobia, it isn't spacious and neat anymore, instead it's a mess.

What does the Tumblr staff try to accomplish with this pathetic design? Because it's so hilarious./neg

Everybody hates it. There's no way they're gonna keep this up for long, stop taking our comfort space and turning it into something pathetic and unusable. Seriously. Stop giving us more stress when we're just trying to enjoy our own day and casually check the notifications and have fun talking to friends.

This new design? I hate it. It's terrible for my eyesight and it makes me want to quit because I swear to god, that's how you make me feel everytime pathetic, unnecessary changes are made. This isn't even Tumblr anymore, dear staff. You're slowly ruining it, you're ruining my home. Tumblr always was everybody's home, stop turning it into Twitter 2.0. Please. Respect the users' wishes and let this app be the way it used to be. People love it the way it is, get rid of this new design and bring back the old and neat desktop page design.

[neurodiversebones]

do you have any thoughts about any of the characters being suicidal? i'm thinking specifically brennan being passively suicidal which gets her pulled from the field on multiple occasions because she genuinely just does not care if she ends up dead.

I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS AND I'M GLAD YOU ASKED BC I'M ALWAYS SCARED OF BRINGING IT UP . obvious tw for suicidal ideation / suicide attempts under the cut

brennan being passively suicidal in her adult life, ESPECIALLY in the early seasons, makes so much sense. she doesn't exactly WANT to die but she doesn't have any urge to keep herself safe and alive either. angela is actually the one who gets her pulled from work-- nobody else seems to realize what's going on, but ange knows from seeing her at her worst before.

early in their friendship, brennan had a really bad episode around the anniversary of her parents leaving-- she was so depressed she couldn't leave her bed for days, which turned out to be a benefit, because if she were any more energized/motivated, she would have ended up seriously hurt. angela stayed with her the whole time (brennan refused to go to the hospital or anything of the like) and even years later, can tell in an instant when brennan starts to swing down like that again.

i think angela experiences passive suicidiality as well-- we see her experience episodes which are coded as depression in canon (any time she becomes disillusioned with her work and life in the series), and i think there's more than that. she doesn't even recognize it as SI, because its mostly thoughts of feeling useless/unimportant/just generally empty, and ideations of things like "disappearing" or "sleeping forever". her loved ones usually reel her back in when she starts to spiral, which for her looks like more frequent dissociation, less social energy, and personality changes (lack of her usual excitement/silliness/sass).

one more character i have Thoughts abt is booth-- he was canonically suicidal when he was young, and i hc he actually attempted twice. once when he was a teenager (16-17)-- he'd been living with his grandfather for years, but the trauma felt so fresh and he just... broke one day. pops made him get help after that, and even though he was embarrassed, it saved his life. he didn't try again until he got back from serbia, where ge killed radik-- the trauma of killing him in front of his kid was eating him alive until he couldn't live with it anymore. obviously he survived again, and even thoygh he still struggles with those thoughts sometimes, he has a vow to never attempt again, because he can't leave parker (and further on, christine and hank) fatherless.

[jadedpiper]

Tw// slightly distressing content, references to self harm, drug abuse, transphobia and suicide

Heyo, since there is an overlap between my main and my gay lesbian oc writing thing (oleksandra-ecologist) I wanted to apologize for the more inconsistant posting. I was moving and felt a severe decline in my mental health the closer and closer moving day got, as we were facing eviction.

I know no one actually cares, this is mostly a vent post tbh, I just feel bad since I was so mentally occupied with everything else that I just couldn't put my effort into it. Doesn't help we had a roommate who was physically violent and like I'm 90 percent sure was doing coke, also very transphobic (yippee i love being misgendered and deadnamed in my own house!!! I love repeating my name and pronouns only to be ignored!!!! YIPPEEE!!!!)

Good news is, I woke up today and my first thoughts in my new room was "hey I don't feel like rotten donkey ass" which was fucking amazing.

Genuinely, I hadn't even noticed the lack of severe depressing thoughts or suicidial ideation until it clicked in my brain that holy shit, I don't feel like actually ending my own life over the most minor of details because of the insurmountable pressure I feel.

Things are surprisingly good, like, scarily good.

I'll be WAY more active in the coming days, just gimme a bit to readjust to my new living situation, thankies ❤️