#ugh i feel like this is potentially not going to be taken well

[uncanny-tranny]

I find that using more neutral language such as "people who menstrate" isn't just inclusive of trans people who fit the prerequisite condition, but also cis people. Saying something like "only women menstrate" ignores that many people start menstruating well before they are socially and legally recognized as adults. And obviously, this goes beyond menstruation; it includes pregnancy, certain cancers, and these things aren't barred by gender or (necessarily) sex assigned at birth. Neutral language for all bodies benefits trans people, intersex people, and cis people (younger and older) alike.

[alcoholfreenayeon]

What about some Jihyo x actor fem!reader fluff please! Maybe there’s been rumors that the two have been seeing each other for a while after meeting at an event. Pictures of the two taken from a far hanging out and eating at restaurants. Then the reader is in an upcoming major film and one of the premieres is in Seoul and Twice is invited to attend. Just some cute stuff like the two making small gestures like eye contact and smiling at each other across the red carpet or being seen taking photobooth pictures at the after party. Please and thank you hehe :)

AN: sorry for the long wait anon. Hope you like this!

Jihyo x Actor Fem!Reader

Caught in the Act

It’s always a good day when you are on a date with your lovely girlfriend especially when she’s none other than Park Jihyo herself. Add to that the pleasant weather and the good food that’s about to be served, life doesn’t get much better than this really.

So, how’s your day been darling?, “Jihyo interrupts your thoughts, her cute smile sparking with curiosity.

“Well, you know the initial reaction to the movie as been much better than expected from the critics so I think this might be it, my introduction to the world.” You couldn’t help but feel extremely proud. This was your potential breakthrough after all. You hear your phone go off a few times but ignore it and continue, “Then there’s the premier coming up in a few days and as you would have found out yesterday, Twice are invited!”.

Jihyo smiles sweetly and proudly as she listens to you be so happy. “Yea I got the invitations yesterday, why didn’t you tell me about that before!, she pouts.

“I wanted to surprise you”, you tease, glancing at your phone again as another bunch of notifications pop off.

“Ah well it was a very pleasant surprise!” Jihyo almost squealed. “I’m so happy for you”. She paused for a moment as your notifications went crazy yet again. “Ooohhh, the premier hasn’t even happened and miss y/n has become such a busy star already.” She teased with a wink.

“Ugh I’m so sorry about this”, you say sincerely deciding to check what the issue is, “I don’t know why……oh….no…..”, you mild annoyance slowly turns to dread as you look through your notifications. You’ve been tagged in social media posts, your manager has been messaging you, media agencies have been messaging you, fans have been messaging you with the only common denominator being some pictures. Pictures of you and Jihyo from yesterday, last month and other times when the two of you met recently. Your eyes scanning the same words in all of the messages

Caught

Dating

Exposed

Scandal

Your hands start to shake as you realize the ramifications this could potentially have. Suddenly the relaxing atmosphere of the restaurant felt very tense, the glass walls made you feel exposed and the other people here made you nervous. You felt absolutely terrified, your personal life, your career and your girlfriend’s career were all at stake here. As scared as you were right now, it was important to begin damage control as soon as possible. You look at Jihyo who was resting her head in her hand glancing at you seriously while using her phone presumably waiting for you to be done. She probably knows by now as well since she’d likely have been contacted as well.

Taking a deep breath, you grab her hand and quickly drag her, away from the windows, away from the people to the closest secluded area you could find…which happened to be the bathroom. Pushing Jihyo inside, your close the door, wait a few seconds and peek out to see if anyone saw you two come here.

“We need to hurry, someone might come in”,

You nod in agreement and sigh in relief to see no activity you turn back to Jihyo only to see that she has lifted up her top, her breasts exposed and was in the process of pulling down her pants, her cheeks slightly red and her face full of excitement.

“What the HELL are you doing????”, you ask in astonishment.

“What do you think love”, Jihyo flirts squeezing her tits together with a wink.

“Jeez! That’s not why I brought you here!”, you reply, your cheeks flushing. “Put your clothes back on! Someone might walk in!”

“Ahhn what’s going on with you”, Jihyo protests, feeling confused and a bit disappointed.

“They found out.”, you say grimly. “I’ve been getting a lot of messages and there’s pictures circulating and everyone is talking about a potential scandal and-”

“Whoa whoa, calm down. What are you talking about? People found out?”

“I don’t know how? I’ve been receiving so many messages and….didn’t you see it?”

“I keep my notifications off….”

You show her what you’ve found out and Jihyo looks worried now.

“Im surprised, I thought we were quite careful. Maybe we got a bit sloppy recently but for now…..Ok, I think we go back home for now, talk with our companies and then see if we need to address this publicly”, Jihyo says seriously.

You take a deep breath and nod. You let Jihyo leave first and wait about 10 minutes before you go back as well. You didn’t have the courage to check your phone again and were fearing the worst.

On your way back, you called your manager to ask what was going to happen and were a bit relieved to find out that all mostly speculation but the fact that two of five pictures had captured Jihyo and your face cleanly and it was obvious that it was the two of you. Your manager informs you that as of now it would be viable to keep quiet and then the company can say the two of you are friends hanging out, but this stance could change depending on the reaction of the general public. It was too soon to gauge the true reaction of the people right now and it would take a few more hours to assess the situation more accurately.

You spent the next few hours watching some Netflix, trying to distract yourself from the drama till you got further news from the agency. It wasn’t very effective though since your thoughts kept drifting back to it. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity you got a call from your manager, no, it’s Jihyo. You take a deep breath and answer the call,

“Hey”

“hey….”

“did you see it?”, she asks with a hint of excitement in her voice.

“what? See what?”, you question back, confused.

“Open your socials, see what everyone has been saying”

You do as she says and immediately come across a barrage of negative threads about the two of you which only reaffirms your fears but as you keep scrolling through you are completely surprised to find out that despite the initial outrage the fans and public are actually overwhelming supportive of you and Jihyo.

“I never thought Y/N had rizz like that to pull Jihyo!”

“Jihyo is so real for going for Y/N”

“Just based off the photos I can tell these two are so cute together”  

“NOW I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THEM AT THE PREMIERE”

You didn’t know how to react now. People were seeming for rooting for you both but what does it really mean you and Jihyo got away with it? That there wouldn’t be any real consequences? It seems too good to be true.

“Hellooo are you still there Y/n?”

You were so relieved that you had completely forgotten you were on a call with Jihyo. “Y-yeah, I’m still here.”

“Everyone from my side thinks that everything will be more or less alright since people aren’t very angry about it.”

Hearing Jihyo say those words meant a lot and you felt a lot less tense now and were a bit more relaxed. “That’s so good to hear. I still haven’t heard anything from my side, so I hope they tell me the same soon.”

By the next morning your agency had assured you that everything was fine and there would be no major problems. With only two days left for the premiere, time seemed to fly by. Mostly due to how hectic and busy things had been for you but also partly because you were quite nervous about it all.

Finally, the day of the premiere arrived, the whole morning was nerve wrecking, you just kept thinking of all the ways that things could go wrong. Thankfully you managed to get it under control as the day went on until it was actually time for the premiere. When you arrived at the red carpet the first thing that you noticed was the sheer number of people present. Were they all there for you? That seemed entirely insane to you, maybe your driver messed up and now you were at the wrong place and now you were going to get embarrassed when you end up missing your own premiere. However, as soon as you got out of the car, you were absolutely hounded by the crowd of people. They seemed to be speaking in sync, but you couldn’t make out a single word with all the noise. After the initial excitement wore out you could finally make out some of the questions and began to answer them.

Just as you were beginning to get comfortable, the crowd goes wild again as someone else arrives at the carpet. As the car door opens, time seems to slow down and steps out Jihyo looking absolutely gorgeous, her hair perfect, her smile making you feel weak even if it wasn’t directed at you. She greets the crowd as the rest of Twice step out. You were still mesmerized when you snapped out of it realizing that a lot of eyes were still on you. Your cheeks began to flush a bit as you tried to act like it was nothing. Some people in the crowd seemed to have caught on and you could hear a few ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’. Pretending like you didn’t hear them, you decided to move on.

As the rest of the cast turns up, time seems to fly by and before you know it, it’s time to watch the premiere. Everything was going well, in fact every time you appeared in a scene a certain section of the crowd a few rows behind you seemed to cheer loudly. Only when the interval began, and the lights turned on did you realize the loud section of fans were sitting near Jihyo. You didn’t really know how to feel about this. It was kinda sweet maybe-

Your thoughts were interrupted as she made her way towards you flashing you a quick smile before heading to the snack bar. Even though you were quite relaxed on the outside, that small smile from Jihyo made you feel really warm and fuzzy on the inside. You followed her to the snack bar, greeting some fans along the way before stopping next to her. The two of you looked at each other for a moment, smiled and then turned away ordering snacks.

Of course, you wanted to kiss her, but this was NOT the place for that despite the fans seemingly egging the two of you to do something. Coincidentally you both ended up walking back together which caused some whooping from the crowd causing both of you to blush a little while making your way back to the seats.

The rest of the premiere went quite smoothly, and the people absolutely loved it, and you couldn’t be prouder of your work. You ended up taking pictures with each fan in the premiere. While you were about to exit, you were pulled in by Jihyo who told you to keep quiet and that she wanted you to follow her out the back.

“I want you all to myself for some time now”, Jihyo says endearingly. You have no complains, in fact this was exactly what you wanted as well. While the rest of Twice and the movie cast were a bit confused at the disappearances of their members, both groups were busy enough to not put two and two together.

[catboybiologist]

March 2024 documentation and transition journal

Just got my levels results back, meaning that the doc is fully updated for March:

This is possibly one of the most exciting and interesting months of HRT since starting, because I've experimented around a lot with injection doses, so let's talk about that! I'm also slapping a couple of old pics in here for reference, so I'll slap some selfie tags on this.

So, lots of interesting HRT stuff. At my last levels check, I was on 4mg injectable EV a week. And… my E actually went down, even though that’s an effectively higher dose than my previous regimen (6mg sublingual/day). Because of this, I talked with my provider, and essentially she told me to fuck around. I probably was way looser with it than she wanted me to be, but she told me to go to 8mg/week maximum, and try and settle on 6mg/week minimum. So….. here’s what I did.

1 week of 8mg.

2 weeks at 7mg.

2 weeks 6mg, during which my levels were checked at mid.

I… can’t really advocate for this. Basically, my logic was that I wanted to see what it felt like to max things out, but have my actual levels check reflect what I’m like at 6mg to know if increasing or maximizing the dose beyond that is necessary at all. Ultimately, I’ve concluded that 8mg feels too high- I start getting a bit of headache and nausea at peak. 7mg feels very comfortable. 6mg, I felt fucking miserable at trough. When I was on 4mg/week, I used a couple of sublingual pills to try and get through that, but I tried to see if I could stop doing that. It went okay for the higher doses, but on 6mg… ugh. Felt like complete shit. I’ll def be using a couple this week to get through that, probably just 4-6mg sublingual on wed/thurs to make sure I’m feeling okay.

Oh. Also. I ditched Spironolactone, against the advice of my provider. 

I was getting really, REALLY irritated by the diuretic effects, so I quit it when I tried to 8mg dose just to see what would happen. I figured that 8mg would be more than enough to suppress T on its own (likely true), and so I thought it would be the best time to try that. And… when I stopped spiro, a depressive haze that had been in my head lifted very quickly. I thought it was just depression based on a rough past couple of months, and that’s probably true, but it also felt physical. The diuretic effects have also stopped, and I genuinely can’t imagine going back on spiro.

I’ve heard a lot of theoretical stuff about spiro potentially being able to inhibit growth and development. It's possibly a growth hormone inhibitor, but should be a more potent antiandrogen than anyone else. It’s…. Really hard to say whether spiro actually inhibits growth. As with a lot of transfemme physical developments, there’s never been a comprehensive, conclusive study on it, which is why its relegated to miscellaneous anecdotes that everyone will swear one way or the other on. I’ll have some opinions on this later.

So what improvement to my levels did I get out of all of this?

Well…. Good, but nothing radical. My midcycle estrogen is 159 pg/mL, which is about my target for trough. It’s a good step up from the 4mg dose, but I’m probably going to increase to 7mg/week- that felt fine to me, and I’m pretty confident that that’ll be the dose that nails it. I’m pretty deadset on going forward with that, I would just need a levels check to verify we’re all good there. (Side note, I’m a bit frustrated that my body literally seems allergic to just… stuff. Idk if I have an overactive liver or what, but my T crashed super easily, adderall consistently lasts shorter than it should, and my E is really struggling to go up.)

And did this result in any physical improvement? 

I actually think that this last month has been the single fastest month of physical development I’ve ever had. Here’s some things I’ve noticed:

My breasts have become much larger and more developed in relation to my chest, with a much better shape. Comparison pictures to even just the end of January show a wild difference (sorry, not posting that publicly). To be fair, though, I’m still pretty clearly in tanner 2, and I maybe want to wait for just a bit more development before I start progesterone. 

Waist measurement is still going down, and hip measurement is still holding steady. This means that, in effect, my hips are getting wider.

And this is one of the most exciting ones- my upper body seems like its getting smaller. I’m floored by this. My underbust is less, my chest looks noticeably less barrel-y, and my ribcage kind of “flows” into my waist better. I wrote a bit about this on reddit just now, but I think I know what’s happening here. Not only is fat burning from the sides of my chest as it builds on the front of my chest, I actually think my costal cartilage might be getting “tighter”, effectively pulling my ribs a bit closer in to my sternum

I have…. No way to confirm the hunches of that last one, other than the images I can show. So for educational purposes (and y’know. Making the funny women in my phone type funny syllables) Here’s a quick timeline where I think you can see the “barrellness” of my chest decreasing:

From left to right, we have September (0-1mo), December (3-4mo), March (6-7mo)

Don't worry, my shoulders are just as wide and athletic dyke-y.

Am I delusional? Is this anything? Maybe. Pictures are hard to make consistent with changes this small. But I do feel like its noticeable, and it seems like women’s cut shirts and tanks have fit me in a way that’s a lot more consistent with a cis woman’s body. Again, there’s also nsfw images, and I think they show a lot of progress, and I think I can pretty definitively say that this has been the single month with the most physical changes since, well, my first month back in September. 

Why did this happen? Well, I’m working with a sample size of one here, and multiple variables have changed at the same time. There’s really three things that could be happening: increased injection dosage, ditching spiro, or the general come and go of physical changes. It’s impossible to completely know what’s going on because of this, unfortunately- I’d need way more data. That said…. This is the first new “wave” of development I’ve had since I started, and my actual blood levels didn’t increase that much. I really, really don’t want to conclude anything, but I’m kinda thinking that spiro had something to do with it. It has broad effects on physiology which aren’t entirely characterized, that could easily theoretically be inhibiting generic growth and development. That said, I think starting with a strong antiandrogen is basically necessary for HRT. It’s extremely difficult to get E levels up without robustly inhibiting T first. Obviously don’t take this as medical advice, or even a scientific opinion. This is nothing more than a hunch.

Idk. I’m happy. I feel like I finally am starting to break through the progress stall I’ve been growing increasingly frustrated with. And I think getting the proper injection dose actually worked to break through it. I’m feeling a lot better with my transition in general too. I won’t elaborate much here, but I’ve been coming out to a lot more people, and its been tentatively going about as well as I could ask. We’ll see what the future holds, but I’m excited about it.

[army93bangya]

The Moon Goddess's Chosen | Chapter 4| MYG [M]

*Chapter 4

*Summary: Y/N wakes up disoriented in unfamiliar surroundings, what is going to happen to her now that she has been taken from her father? What will Alpha Min do to her now that she is in his grasp?

*Genre/Rating: Mature, 18+, Werewolf/Fated mates, eventual smut? 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️

*Warnings/Potential Triggers: Talks Child of Abuse, Abuse, Non-con Touching, Non-con Confinement, Angst, Mistreatment, Being Detained, Anxiety, Nervousness, Mention of Murder, Mention of plotting Murder, Reader is going thru it, Confrontation, Slight mention of Rape, Poisoning, Possible future Smut,….more to be added in future chapters.

*Disclaimer: This work was written and owned by Army93bangya and there is no consent for anyone else to post it as theirs, this story is intended for entertainment purposes only, this story is a work of fantasy, seems a bit ridiculous to say but I do not own or have rights to BTS or the members and the characters in this story are a fictional interpretation of members. Wolfsbane is an actual poison and there truly is no cure. DO NOT EVER INGEST WOLFBANE!

*Words: 5060

*Notes: Well...here we are.. I don't even know what to say. Currently this story is slow burn, but I am just kind of going with the flow when writing it so that could change. Jimin is an absolute sweetheart! Don't come for Y/N her trust issues are real with good reason. I did a tiny amount of research on herbs and wanted something somewhat realistic in the story for a medicine to help with her poisoning. Khella is a real herb that is native to certain parts of the Mediterranean and Asia and can be used medicinally for heart ailments. I will leave a link with an article I read for the purpose of this story. As always thank you so much for reading and please leave me a comment telling me what you think so far! :)

7 Health Benefits of Khella - Healthy Focus

Previous Chapter ------ Next Chapter

You're comfortable. That's the first thing you register when you start to regain consciousness. Maddie must have found more padding and blankets for your bed, she is such an amazing friend. UGH your body and head both ache with the aftermath of the wolfsbane, feels like you drank a ton of wine and are now hungover, only worse. Did you faint? Did Darius carry you to your be- Wait! As your mind starts to catch up you remember the gathering, Maddie mated and led away, your own mate connection made to Alpha Min, the words spoken, Alpha Mins words in particular being a great concern, Darius’s futile attack, the beta that had you and…and…he lifted you into his arms. Your father was bested. No no no no! This can not be happening! 

Your eyes are heavy but you manage to open them and take in your surroundings. Letting out a breath of relief to find that you are currently alone, But it is overly obvious that this isn't your bedroom, or your tent at camp. You're snuggled into a massive pile of blankets and furs on a platform of some kind about a foot off the ground. The bed you are in is situated at the far left corner of this huge tent with a chair positioned right next to it. In front of you to the left of the entrance is a couple decent size baskets and a big chest. A modest fire pit is set up at the center of the tent with its embers currently banked, two stoops stand upright for sitting outside of a stone barrier that circles the pit. The front right corner is blocked off by a couple partitions and in the back right corner of the tent is a large long table with benches set up on both sides that look like they could fit four people on each bench, a chair sits at the head of the table facing the entire tent. A tent this size with such furniture inside for a temporary encampment can only mean one thing. This is the alphas tent, You’re in Alpha Mins tent…in his bed.

Don't Panic! You can't freak out right now, need to think. You don't know how long you will be alone in this tent so it's best to use what time you have to reflect on everything that has happened, and come up with the best course of action. What do you do? With everything you have heard about this pack and your fated mate, it would be unwise to think you will be treated with any type of kindness, you're not that dense. Alpha Min could come through that entrance at any second, he is unpredictable and almost completely unreadable. He might come in and hurt you or force himself on you. No you can't stay, so that leaves you with two options. Either you stick around and try to placate Alpha Min into believing you want to be his mate, maybe he won't hurt you if you are compliant. You would just have to wait and hope that your father can successfully retrieve you. It is not the best option, and you REALLY don't want to go back to your father and Darius either, but it is the better option as it is more likely to be a successful outcome. 

The alternative would be to find Maddie and attempt an escape. You can not run and leave Maddie to this fate, no you would have to find her in this camp first. But where would you even go? Two she wolves on the run are a massive target to both rogues and packs. And it would be foolish to try to seek refuge with any pack. There would be too many questions that would need to be answered before a pack would take you in. Not to mention packs that provide sanctuary to outsiders are the first places your father and Alpha Min would look. No you would have to go rogue and find unclaimed territory to hide in, somewhere far away. That is if you could even succeed in the impossible feat of escaping. 

You would need to inspect the complete layout of the Bangtan camp, find the best spot to sneak out of here while observing for the best possible moment as well. Locating Maddie is a top priority and you are hopeful that you would be allowed to speak to her alone. It is most likely that Alpha Min will keep you under guard, so being able to get away from your keeper is something you have to take into account too. But perhaps the biggest difficulty with this plan is Alpha Min himself. Taking everything he disclosed at the gathering and assessing it you know he will be your largest obstacle. For reasons unknown to you, he wants you, and you don't take him for a wolf that rolls over and accepts defeat. With his heightened senses it will be near impossible to get away from him undetected. And with him being your mate he will be able to pick up your scent easily. So if you are successful in fleeing undetected the next challenge would be being able to evade him till you get a far enough distance. With so many unknown variables it would be next to impossible to escape. Basically both options are awful, uncertain, and unfavorable. 

You're doomed. And you really need to relieve yourself. You glance at the entrance and instantly anxiety saturates you completely. You can do this, laying here is not going to accomplish anything, you have to do this. Besides, if you urinate in Alpha Min's bed that probably won't endear you to him at all, and the thought of being in his bed when he comes back is an immediate motivator to find your courage. Slowly you lift up into a sitting position, the dress that you wore to the gathering is still on your body so that somewhat soothes you. You find your shoes positioned neatly by the bed, removing the blankets from your body and sliding your legs off the bed you grab the sandals and strap them to your feet. You yearn to be able to just shift to wolf form and go relieve yourself easily, maybe explore without having to speak to anyone. But your father only let you shift when necessary, when the itch to do so became too much. He did not like you being in wolf form so you're not about to do so here without approval first. You need to be compliant, obedient so that with luck your time here will be as painless as possible. 

You let out a groan as you stand, your body feels stiff and everything aches. Surprisingly though you don't feel quite as sore as you usually do coming off of wolfsbane and that gives you pause. You get a flicker of a foggy memory, being held up in a sitting position and having liquid coaxed down your throat. Huh. They weren't lying about the healer it seems. You are used to the wolfsbane running its course through your system and it is usually about a week before you are feeling back to normal. They must have given you Khella tea. While there is no cure for wolfsbane, Khella is known to aid in ridding the body of the toxin quicker thus speeding up recovery time. Judging on how you currently feel and if they give you more Khella tea, you will probably be fully recovered in about three to four days instead of your regular seven to eight days. But until then you will bear the discomfort as you always have and face the outside of this tent. 

It is bright when you first step outside, you squint your eyes and give them a moment to adjust before taking in your surroundings. Alpha Min's tent seems to be at the back of the camp as there is a big open area in front of you with a communal fire in the center for cooking and heating water. There are several tents on both sides of the area left open for the pack to congregate. “LUNA!” your eyes shoot towards the loud exclaim to take in a man briskly approaching you. On instinct you take a step back closer to the tent you just came out of and he instantly stops a few feet from you. Oh. You recognize him. It's the beta that came to you after Darius released you, the one who still seems to be calling you Luna. Funny he looks about as nervous as you feel. “Luna, you should not be out of bed in your condition. I was just coming to check on you. I am so happy you are awake but we should really get you back into bed to rest.” Before you can be concerned by his words, he gives you a boyish smile and visibly softens his entire demeanor completely contradictory to everything you have heard so far about the wolves in this pack.

Even though he seems genuine with his caring demeanor and sweet smile you know better than to be led into a false sense of security and let your guard down. No matter how endearing he looks right now. But for your own well being you will play along to this facade you seem to have walked into. You try to appear more at ease before answering him. “I'm sorry, I didn't know I was not supposed to leave the bed, but I really have an urgent matter to attend to.” You give him a pointed look and his eyes widen and he starts garbling words before being able to actually respond. “Ofcourse Luna! let me guide you to an area to take care of that!” He turns to look at the two other men he seemed to be talking to before identifying your presence and bolting to you. “Can you guys go find Alpha and let him know that his mate is awake?” They both incline their heads and walk away to perform the task given to them. You hope it takes them a very long time to find him.

The beta promptly turns back to you, gives you a sheepish look, and raises his arm to show you what direction to take. You start slowly walking and he instantly falls into step with you hovering an arm behind you like he wants to wrap it around you or is worried you will fall. “How do you feel?” You had been trying to analyze the area and layout of the camp as much as possible when his soft question came out. “Better with some sleep. Thank you.” There, polite and short. He shoots you a concerned look and continues to inspect you like he is worried you are going to keel over and die on him right here and now. Regardless if he is putting on a show for you or not, his jumpy fretting exterior is humorous to you. It is like he is scared of YOU. The thought is amusing and you can not help the slight upturn of your mouth, the subtle softening of your features. 

The change in your gaze seems to be the balm he needs, because he immediately becomes more at ease and begins to cheerfully engage you in conversation. “It is such a relief to know you are feeling better! We were all extremely worried about you, Yoongi was very distressed with your condition. It is not often any of us see him in such an agitated state anymore, he is an expert at masking his emotions. Oh! My name is Jimin by the way, I apologize for not introducing myself sooner but it definitely didn't seem like the right time.” Jimin lets out a nervous laugh. You think back to your first contact with him, how gentle he was with you, how he tried to soothe you. Dammit! He seems so kind and endearing you have to remind yourself letting your guard down would be detrimental to you. Dread passes through you when his words about Alpha Min being agitated registers. Does this alpha get violent when upset? You will have to be extremely observant around him, cooperate entirely so that hopefully his anger will not be directed towards you.

You are almost to a secluded wooded area that Jimin is leading you towards. You decide then that he seems safe enough to talk with, while discreetly attempting to gather some information from. Also it would only be polite if you provide him with your name as well, and it would be a plus if he stopped calling you by the title of an alphas mate. “My name is Y/N. I wanted to thank you for helping me at the gathering. If you don't mind me asking, where is Alpha Min now?” He studies you for a second, but not in a bad way. Instead it is like he is checking to see if you are upset about the alphas absence before responding. “Your mate has been by your side as much as he can, but as the alpha he knows it is also his job to keep his pack safe. He left earlier to run our camp's perimeter and personally receive updates from all the wolves acting as sentries to the borders he has set. Don’t worry Luna, I'm sure as soon as he hears you are awake he will finish quickly and return to you.”

Just as he finishes speaking you reach the outline of trees, saved from having to respond to everything that is expelled out of Jimin's mouth. You’re gonna need some time to mull over his words and all of the implications before coming up with another question that doesn't sound too intrusive. Jimin follows you into the woods, he makes an excuse that you are still recovering and he needs to make sure you are safe, but it just confirms that you were right in your assumption earlier. It looks like you will indeed be kept under constant watch. He does however move a few paces away before giving you his back. So Alpha Min has put precautions in place and is monitoring the area his pack has made camp. Even in neutral territory where there is supposed to be no attacks or acts of violence outside of simple mate disputes, he is taking strategic defensive steps in case your father decides to try something. It is a wise decision, you wouldn't put it past your father to have already met with his betas and concocted a plan. 

Doing your business quickly you make your way back to Jimin and stop by his side. He starts to analyze you from head to toe as soon as his body is turned towards you. “Let's get you back to camp and back in bed so that Yoongi doesn't have my head. Okay Luna?” You freeze staring at him but he has a slightly playful look on his face that says he is joking and you turn to start walking, before he can comment on your panicked flash change in body language. Still so weak from the wolfbane, and the exhaustion of all the emotional turmoil you have been put through so recently, this simple walk has you feeling completely drained and pushing yourself to make it back to where you apparently were supposed to stay. Breath coming out labored you are almost out of the trees and back to the clearing of the camp when you sway and your body starts to give out. Stumbling you hear Jimin curse through the slight ringing in your ears, he catches you before you completely lose balance and once again you are hoisted into the betas arms. Jimin is now carrying you and walking at a fast pace towards the camp. The thought of being carried by the beta into camp leaves you feeling both ashamed and weak for all the eyes of this pack to see. “I can walk on my own, I just need to catch my breath for a second.”

Jimin stops walking and angles his head to look you in the eye. “Please let me do this for you Luna. You still have wolfsbane in your system, I can not imagine the kind of pain you are in or how exhausted you must feel. Your mate has asked me to watch over you, to protect you while he is not here. I will do anything and everything to make sure that you are taken care of until he returns.” You lower your gaze to your hands that are resting in your lap out of learned behavior. He must take your silence as acceptance because he starts his fast walk back to camp. “Why do you call me that?” he doesn't falter in steps but he does shoot his head down to look at you in confusion. “What?” “Luna. Why do you call me Luna?” Jimin looks away but you can see him smiling. “Because that's what you are. Even without my Alphas mark, you are his mate and Bangtans Luna. But we also know you are so much more than that arent you?” 

He is gazing at you again with such a warm bright look that you have to turn your head away to escape it. Instead you look to see that you are almost back to the Bangtan camp and begin to feel the anxiety creep in. “Please put me down before we make it back to the camp.” Jimin is silent for a few seconds, seeming to be mulling over your request. Then he is looking at you again and listening to your breathing which has settled back down. “If you let me continue to offer you support and help you back to your tent I will let you back on your feet.” Did he really just give you a compromise for walking on your own two feet or being carried?! You let out a slight snort of exasperation before nodding your head in agreement. He grins and shoots you a look raising his eyebrows that says he also finds you somewhat exasperating as well. His playfulness puts a simple quick smile on your face before you are gazing towards your destination again. 

Jimin puts you down when you are but a few paces from the closest tent and puts his arm around your waist to take some of your weight while you walk back to camp. His hold is firm but extremely gentle compared to Darius’s painful grip that you're sure left a bruise you haven't been able to examine yet. You give him a look that says this is unnecessary, but he just gives you a somewhat stern one back and you decide not to argue. Making your way back to Alpha Min’s tent there are more people out and moving about the camp than before. People are looking at you and staring with looks that can only be recognized as admiration. Some even go so far as to bow their heads to you and Jimin as you walk past. It makes you extremely uncomfortable and confused, you do not meet anyone's gaze after that. You begin to contemplate what this pack thinks it is you can do for them that has them so thrilled to see you. That overwhelming dread is back, what will Alpha Min and this pack do to you when they find out you do not have complete control over your gifts and try not to use them when you are able and not fighting wolfsbane poisoning.

You make it back to the open area between tents with the fire and an older woman with the marks of a healer makes a beeline for you. "There you are! Jimin! Why did you take her out of bed? I wasn't gone that long but imagine my panic when I came back to find her missing! almost sounded an alarm!" You watch with wide eyes as the irked woman rants at Jimin and smacks him on the arm not wrapped around you. "Kit she had to relieve herself! What was I supposed ---" The betas words become background as a knowing sense shoots down your spine and you turn your head feeling the drawing of the mate connection right when Alpha Min and 2 of his other betas come into view between tents making their way into the open area. He stops walking when his eyes immediately snap to yours most likely feeling the pull as well. Alpha Min looks directly into your eyes for only a few seconds before taking in your position leaning heavily on his beta, his face tightens and you see his jaw clench. You start to panic when he starts advancing straight towards you with a pissed off look on his face. In flight mode you begin attempting to get out of Jimin's grasp so you can try to escape the alphas sudden wrath but freeze when Alpha Min lets out an impressive growl before he is suddenly upon you scooping you into his arms. Startled, your arms act on their own and fling themselves over both of the alphas shoulders so that you can grip him for purchase. He doesn't even halt his movements when he lifts you, continuing straight to his tent. 

Once back where you started the alpha goes straight to his bed placing you upon it. He places a knee on the bed and begins to reach his hand toward you. On instinct you start attempting to backpedal away from him. Alpha Min puts his hand down and straightens his body. Maybe he wasn't as stoic as you believed because he is giving you a bewildered look, almost stunned even, like he can't believe you are frightened of him. “You do not need to be fearful of me. I will never purposefully hurt you. No one in this entire pack is going to hurt you. You are safe here, with me.” Eyes wide you just stare at him, unable to process thoughts enough to respond. What would you even say? That you don't believe him at all? Shit your plan was to be compliant and you are already fucking it up! He places his bent leg back on the ground before crouching down so it is not to seem like he is towering over you. The alpha just stares at you with a blank look. Not in a bad way but like he is patiently giving you time to calm down and talk to him. 

Your terror and panic greatly decreases seeing him with a calmer exterior, and you are saved from having to collect yourself and come up with an amicable reply when the healer's voice breaks through the stare off you both seem to be having. “Alpha may we enter?” Alpha Min turns his head to the entrance before straightening back to his full height and turning to face the entrance. “Yes.” Although his back is now to you he does not move from the bedside. If you were naive and mate-struck then his placement in front of you would seem more of a protective stance. Heck maybe it is in a possessive way. The healer, Jimin, and the two betas that were just at their alphas side all enter the tent. Both the betas, unknown to you, perch on stumps near the fire facing their alpha while the healer starts to make her way to you completely disregarding Alpha Min as she passes him. Jimin stands a few feet in front of his leader looking very twitchy. Focused on the alpha and his endearing beta you startle when you feel a hand placed on your shoulder, sucking in a quick inhale of breath and causing all eyes in the room to snap to you. Alpha Min is facing you again, eyes flitting between your face and the hand on your shoulder. 

“I'm sorry Luna, I didn't mean to startle you. My name is Kit, I am one of Bangtans healers. I would like to take a look at you and ask some questions if that is okay?” Your eyes flit between the alpha and his once again blank expression to the healer before giving her a nod of affirmation before looking down at your hands held together in your lap. You feel Kit reach for your neck gently to feel your pulse before hearing someone clear their throat prompting you to look back up at the alpha and his betas. “Luna woke up and had to relieve herself. We had just made it back to camp.” You feel embarrassment at Jimin discussing your need to piss with multiple ears in the room. Alpha Min sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Jimin, you could have gotten a bucket for her so that she did not have to strain herself walking into the woods. She still has wolfsbane in her system and needs rest, not to mention I don’t like the idea of you two on the outskirts of camp while I am still trying to determine the threat level we could possibly be facing.” Jimin lowers his head to stare at his feet in submission. “I’m sorry alpha, I will not fuck up again.”

You want to say something to defend Jimin, he did nothing wrong and has been nothing but kind towards you….so far. Curse your soft heart. “Luna, your pulse is elevated and your fever is spiking again. I’m going to make you some more Khella tea. How much pain are you experiencing?” Welp all eyes are back on you again and you almost want to die at having your anxiety ridden heart rate being announced in front of these wolves. Alpha Mins eyes are back on you, his form is tense, fist clenched. You don't want to say the wrong thing and make him even more angry so you settle with a quiet ‘I’m fine’. Kit huffs at you seemingly exasperated. “Luna please don't put on a brave face and be dishonest with me. I know a extensive amount about wolfsbane poisoning and how much pain it causes to radiate throughout the body.” You don't know what to do or how to respond, on one hand you are afraid to say the wrong thing and make this alpha mad, but looking at this healer you know she isn't gonna let you get by with short feeble answers.”The pain is there but bearable, the Khella tea is helping and should shorten the recovery time. I usually just have to sleep it off and that typically takes seven to eight days.”

Kits face has taken on shock and the entire tent is eerily quiet before Alpha Min breaks the silence. “What do you mean you usually have to sleep it off?” His voice comes out in an almost growl and you visibly flinch. The alpha takes a small step back and the look on his face can not be mistaken. He is upset and you are wondering what you said wrong. “I’m sorry Alpha Min I should have explained better. When I have wolfsbane in my system it typically takes me seven to eight days to recover with rest. I have built up a slight tolerance to the poison though and this was a smaller dose so I may recover quicker. Well I will recover faster with the Khella tea regardless.” The alpha takes on a stoic expression and slowly approaches you. You stay still this time when he crouches next to the bed, his eyes stay on your face as he slowly raises his hand to rest on yours in your lap. The current of the mate bond flows through the both of you. His touch proves to be the remedy your heart needs to slow and your entire body to calm. “How many times have you been poisoned with wolfsbane?” His voice is soft when he asks and he maintains a calm exterior, like he is cautious not to frighten you. You don't know what to make of his eyes though. They look pained. Like he is the one hurting from poison and not you. It leaves you feeling flustered and so unsure that you stutter your response. “ I-I’m not sure. I never really thought to count.” You drop your eyes back to your lap. Looking at his hand gently resting on top of yours, he gives a tiny squeeze prompting you to meet his eyes again.

Jimin takes a step forward breaking the trance you two seemed to be in when you glance at him. He looks tormented. Like it was his fault you were poisoned. It is all too much, you feel stripped and vulnerable all of a sudden. Not to mention extremely confused and conflicted with the way they are acting towards you. Kit seems to pick up on this placing a calming hand on your upper back. “Alpha, a hot bath would help alleviate some of the pain in your mate's body as well as her fever.” Alpha Min looks at her and then back at you before nodding, removing his hand from yours, and standing to address his betas. “Kook. Jimin. come with me to have water heated and walk the camp, Hoseok will you stay here?” The muscled up beta simply stands and starts walking to the entrance while the other gives a bright grin before nodding. Jimin shoots you a small smile and follows muscle-beta out of the tent. The healer huffs and mumbles something about ‘overprotective’ but that's all you get from your spot next to her. The Alpha moves to the right corner moving the partitions aside to reveal a tub before turning to look at you one last time and waltzing out of the tent. You clench your hands together feeling bereft with the alphas exit, his warm hand no longer holding yours. That frustrates you even more because it feels like your body is betraying you. He is dangerous and unknown, and when he is near his scent and presence intoxicates you to the point you want to rub yourself all over him until you're drenched in his scent and warmth. Yep. You're screwed.

[thelaughtercafe]

Angel

Tea Type: Half and Half (This one was written to vent so it's got a little more hurt towards the beginning than usual)

Potential Triggers: Nonspecific mentions of emotional abuse

Pairing: Duncan/ F!Reader

Length: 1k+

Summary: You and Duncan are both desperately trying to stay awake for the challenge. The lack of filter allows confessions to slip from both of you.

“Ugh I’m starting to go. Can you help keep me awake?”

Duncan looked over and blinked in surprise. You hadn’t spoken much the past weeks save him teasing as he did with most of the girls. You didn’t outwardly encourage it but he could admit he got pleasure out of your flustered reactions to keep it up consistently with no provocation. 

A smirk twitched onto his lips as he moved to where you were sat leaning against a tree trunk a little ways from the main group. 

“Sure thing sweetheart. Tell me what I can do.”

You were already a blushing mess. It’d taken a great deal of courage to even ask but already you were growing meek again.  

“Well I…um…sorry.”

He softened a little after a glance over his shoulder, tugging you to sit behind the tree with him. Everyone was mostly sleeping and this way no-one would see his expressions before he heard them coming in advance. He didn’t want anyone hearing him like this. Hell, he typically wouldn’t ever dream of being like this but the lack of sleep was impairing his judgment. 

“Why do you do that? You constantly apologize for stuff that’s not even your fault. Or without having even done anything wrong at all. It makes you look weak.”

It wasn’t the nicest way to say it maybe but Duncan was trying. 

You looked down to your fidgeting hands and smiled bitterly.

“It’s not exactly a happy reason; but you don’t seem like the kind of guy to pity people so I guess it’s alright if I tell you. Let’s just say my home life wasn’t great. My mom was sick so I was left to do all the chores and such. Her long term boyfriend was quick to put me down and point out the smallest of inadequacies in my efforts.”

You shrugged before looking at the camera across the way and giving it the finger. 

“That’s for you if you’re watching this, dick.”

God, you really were tired. Your filter was gone. Luckily, your attention was shifted to Duncan as he smiled at you and lightly placed his hand on yours.  

“Well I say he’s lucky. If it was me I would’ve stopped doing them altogether. Guy sounds like a real piece of work." 

You turned your gaze to his and he noticed the hint of sadness within. 

"Which is why you’re the strongest person I know. That’s actually the first time I told him to fuck off. After making me spiral into panic attacks, giving me arachnophobia, and making me hate myself it still took me being on the verge of passing out on a reality show talking with a bad boy with a heart of gold to get the courage. Pathetic. isn’t it?" 

Duncan clenched his fists but managed his anger with a breath, trying not to blush at your honesty. 

"Right. You really think of me like that sweetheart?’

The typically antagonistic nickname now sounded sweet. 

You shrugged, finding it much easier to talk when not looking at him as you put your head on his shoulder. 

”‘Course I do. You may act all mean but you want us to win too. I don’t think you’re half as cruel as you pretend to be. You’re here comforting me and keeping me awake aren’t you?“

You yawned and he scoffed, glad you couldn’t see his face as a tinge of pink surely was evident. 

"Could just be doing it to get further in the competition. More chance our team wins if there’s two of us.”

You shrugged. 

“Sure. You could be. But I doubt it. I have a bad habit of only seeing the good in people and ignoring my gut feelings. But here on the island I’ve learned to start listening to it more. And right now it’s telling me you’re a good guy. It always has.”

Duncan sighed and looked down in amusement at you now fully cuddled into his side. He curled an arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer but when he felt your breaths start to slow he ran his fingers along your neck for a moment in warning. 

“Hey. Don’t fall asleep k?”

You jerked in his grip and giggled which made him blink.  

Huh. 

He noted the way you suddenly looked nervous, and the way your face had gone red. In addition to your eyes flicking everywhere looking for escape, a smug smirk crawled across his face. 

“Oh princess~ Got something you wanna tell me?”

He felt you stiffen and you giggled nervously again, clearly jumpy. 

God you were precious. 

“N-No! I just-I-thanks for helping but I-”

As you were about to scramble away he quickly turned to pin you against the tree, easily restraining your wrists over your head with one hand and leering over you.  

“You may as well give it up. I know you’re ticklish. Sure would be a shame if I let you fall asleep now ya know? Time to fulfill your duty to the team like the angel you are~”

Oh God. Time to pretend he didn’t just say that last part. Distract!

“D-Did you just-hey whahahahait!! Duncan!!”

You dissolved into squeals and giggles as his free hand began squeezing along your thighs suddenly regretting wearing shorts.

“You are such a jheheheherk!!”

Glad his moment of softness had been forgotten Duncan easily returned to teasing, feigning innocence.

“Oh? But I thought you were so sure I was a nice guy. Looks like your feelings were wrong. Good thing you have a thing for bad boys huh angel?”

He relished in the way you went even darker and sputtered over your laughter.

“N-No I-what!? That’s-crazy talk!”

“Your blush tells a different story. Plus, I’ve caught you stealing glances all summer. Lucky for you I like good girls just as much. Even called dibs in the boys cabin. Trent almost beat me to you but lucky for me he got more into Gwen around the same time which means you’re all mine if you want to be, angel.”

While he was talking casually his hands were moving easily all over, from your thighs to your hips up to your underarms and then to your neck where he opted to stay, keeping you in steady giggles as he waited for your response. 

You rolled your eyes before smirking back. 

“F-Fhihihine then. Gonna make me fhahahall demon boy?”

He grinned, full of roguish charm as his fingers finally slowed and he released your hands to cup your face in his palms and then seal your promise. 

“Only if you’re sure you’re ready for it sweetheart.”

No-one would find out until a few competitions later; when he got sick of hiding and kissed you so hard you swooned after a win you somehow managed to pull off. 

All insecure thoughts of him caring more about his bad boy image than you were  banished and it suddenly made sense to Courtney and Gwen why the nicknames, however passive aggressive, had stopped. They were all for you.  

Angel was still his favorite of course.

[tgmsunmontue]

Together or not at all - Hangster sequel

I wrote a ~2.5k Javy/Nat 5+1 and this is the 2k Hangster sequel (with a potential epilogue to come, who knows?)

This is based on the fact that ~14 months ago my BF of over 20+ years started dating my husband's BF of over 20+ years. Because my husband dared his BF to ask my BF out. Yep. We are all in our mid-40s and that's a thing that happened. They moved in together two weeks ago.

                “I dare you to ask him out…”

                “Ask who out?” Jake asks, leaning back against the brick work of the house while he watches Javy’s kids run around in the backyard and tries to not miss Laney and Pepper too much.

                “Bradley.”

                “What? Uh… why do you think that would be a good idea?”

                “Well, you actually have a fuck load of stuff in common for a start.”

                “Okay. I…” He pauses then and considers it, because Javy’s not wrong. Except for the fact that he may have taken one too many knocks to the head. “Okay. Imagine this. I ask him out. We go out and hit it off. Start a relationship and then two or three years it crashes and burns like all my past relationships and then you and Nat feel awkward as fuck and feel like you can never invite both of us to the same thing ever again…”

                His divorce was five years ago, he’s had two short-lived relationships since then, and he’s just sort of figured that maybe the problem is him. Or his career. His career is such a big part of him though that it’s something he can’t divorce himself from, which is a line Catherine had thrown at him and it had cut deep even if he’d later reflected on it and realized the truth of it.

                “No. No. I don’t accept that. That’s bullshit Jake. For a start if you think Nat wouldn’t force you both to get over yourselves if you broke up – ”

                “If? We haven’t even gone on a fucking date yet.”

                “If you seriously don’t think you could have something with him, then I won’t press. But you guys have a lot of shit in common okay? You’re our best friends for a start, and okay, yeah, that could get a little messy if things don’t work out. But that would only be for a while. Only until Nat beat some sense into both of you…”

                “And what about the fact I have kids?”

                “Bradshaw loves kids. Pretty sure he’s not going to hold that against you. In fact it might even count in your favor.”

                “What do you mean?”

                “Uh… well… he doesn’t really know you like we do. You guys haven’t exactly crossed paths a lot the last few years, with him being stationed so far away. And it’s not like we talk about you to him, other than mention you in passing. So he might have more, um, distinct memories of you from Top Gun that first time. And some of those other times.”

                “Great, so when I was young and dumb and we pretty much had a pissing contest every time we talked to each other? You seriously think this is a good idea?”

                “You’re both Navy. You’re both very family orientated. You like being outdoors. You’re both best friends with either me or Nat, and after fifteen years I have to say I consider him a good friend and I seriously think you two could work.”

                “So you don’t really dare me, because that’s juvenile shit… you just think it’s a really good idea.”

                “Jake, buddy, my dearest and oldest friend and godfather of my children… I’m still daring you because you’re juvenile as fuck and I want you to do this. In fact, I’m not just daring you, I’m double-dog-daring you.”

                “Ugh, you suck…” Jake mutters, knocking his head back on the bricks like it will somehow relieve the annoyance he’s feeling.

                “Nope. But you might if you follow through on this dare.”

                “You’re disgusting. One day your kids are going to ask what you mean and it will serve you right.”

                Javy just laughs at him and Jake hates that he knows him so well.

                He guesses he’s asking Bradshaw on a date.

…             …             …

                They’ve decided on a local tap house specializing in IPAs and Jake is pretty sure neither of them cares about that, but it’s low pressure and informal enough that they can just pretend this is two friends catching up rather than their best friends insisting they go on a date. He’s still getting flashbacks to some of their previous meetings, and he knows that’s all past, that their most recent interactions have actually been mature and adult, but it still feels a little surreal to be meeting up with him without Javy and Nat also in attendance.

                Bradshaw enters the building and he looks weird. It’s been a couple of years since Jake’s seen him in person, their careers taking them to different parts of the world. He’s not wearing a Hawaiian shirt, is missing his moustache and looks good, light blue button-down with sleeves rolled up, showing of tanned forearms and wearing dark jeans. He’s always been attractive, Jake isn’t blind, but right now he’s allowing himself to look and appreciate. It’s a different experience than what he’s used to when faced with all of Bradley Bradshaw.

                “Hey Jake.”

                “Bradley…” he replies, the name unfamiliar in his mouth. They don’t hug or even shake hands, both letting out little huffs of laughter at the awkwardness and Jake motions to the booth he’d been directed to when he arrived. They sit opposite one another and place drink orders with the hovering waiter.

                “Is this as weird for you as it is for me?”

                “Yeah. I have to say, I didn’t expect you to ask me out. I promised Nat I’d give you a chance so…” Bradshaw says, and he shrugs, but his smile isn’t mocking, just a little.. shy maybe?

                “Well, don’t do me any favors Bradshaw. I’m only here because Javy double-dog dared me,” he says it with a wink, his lips twitching in amusement and hopes Bradshaw takes it with the levity in which he means it. He does, laughing and Jake has to admit he looks good.

                “Only you would feel the need to do something because you got dared into doing it.”

                “You saying Natasha daring you to do something wouldn’t make you do it?”

                “More like the opposite really. She tells me not to do something and I immediately go and do it.”

                “God, you must drive her insane.”

                “I’ve mellowed as I’ve gotten older.” Jake laughs again, because he’s not sure if it’s mellowing or simply maturing, but he knows what Bradshaw means. “Anyway, we might as well catch-up, not like we don’t have plenty of things we can talk about.”

                They talk. They talk and talk and he finds himself enjoying it more than he thought he would. Bradshaw is funny and entertaining, intelligent and not afraid to poke fun of his younger self, admitting that he’s come a long way. He asks about Jake’s daughters, listens to endless stories about them with a smile on his face and asks to see photos. Naturally they talk about Javy and Natasha, their joint godchildren, the sickeningly sweet way they can be together sometimes, but how happy they both are for their closest friend.

                Food arrives, is eaten and shared easily when Jake apparently eyes the ribs a little too hard. He makes a passing comment about ribs in Texas and having to get Bradley to try them next time they visit and while a part of his brain spirals away in mortification, he manages to keep his expression neutral, and Bradley doesn’t seem to even do a double take at the vague mention of a future. He is very firmly Bradley now though, not Bradshaw, and he wonders how he might think of Jake. Whether it’s callsign, last-name or first. He definitely seems to use Jake with no hesitation and another little part of his brain wonders how else his name might sound at other times… He startles a little at that train of thought, not really having thought about taking Bradley to bed. It’s not an unappealing thought, but it does feel…

                “Does this feel a little weird to you?”

                “Yep. Little surreal. Not bad… but,” he shrugs then, but Jake knows exactly what he means.

                They both pass on dessert but order coffee, neither of them wanting to stop talking and he feels a little warm when Bradley stretches his legs out, brushes against his own legs and then just rests there while they keep talking. It’s been over four hours and that’s… god, he doesn’t think he’s spent this much time just talking with anyone like this other than Javy or his parents in years. It feels good.

                They finish up and settle the bill, walking out; Bradley holds the door open for him and Jake hasn’t been on a date with someone who holds doors open in a while. The last person he dated seriously was his ex-wife and while he’s had a couple of very short-lived relationships since then, none of them had felt this easy. They walk aimlessly, or what he thought was aimlessly until they’re stopping beside a car and it beeps as Bradley unlocks it before turning and looking at Jake, lips quirked in amusement.

                “God, let’s get this over and done with, come here…”

                Jake’s laughing as Bradley’s hand lands on his waist and tugs him close, they’re both smiling as they begin to kiss, Bradley a couple of inches taller than him giving him an ever so slight height advantage and downward angle and Jake presses into it, lets his own hands settle on Bradley’s hips. They’re not smiling anymore, the spark between them like a pleasurable electric shock and Jake groans into it, not having expected to feel anything more than warm pressure. Bradley’s hands become firmer, his body pressing against Jake’s and it feels feverish, an edge of desperation that doesn’t have an explanation. Their lips are slick, urging each other to press a little firmer and his stomach swoops with anticipation, his cock starting to harden. He’s pretty sure this is meant to be a goodnight kiss, not fucking foreplay and he pulls back ever so slightly, reluctant to step away from the press of Bradley’s body against his. But they should probably talk.

                “Fucking hell…” Bradley says, and he doesn’t move away either, the words murmured into the side of Jake’s neck and his body feels tingly with awareness.

                “Yeah. Wasn’t quite, uh, expecting that.”

                “Uh no, neither was I. Fuck.”

                “What’s wrong?” Jake asks, because while he might be feeling a little surprised, he’s not upset at all.

                “Are we that blind? Were our best friends able to see… that?”

                Jake snorts.

                “Well, I think until recently one or both of us have been in relationships so no, I don’t think they’ve been waiting for us to figure our shit out for years or anything. But maybe they thought we might… get along?”

                Bradley huffs a laugh and pulls back enough to give him an amused look and oh, it reminds him of all the times before when he’s given Jake a similar look. He’d thought back then that Bradley had been laughing at him, but he thinks he’s had it wrong, it’s been Bradley inviting him to share in a private joke, to laugh along with him. Okay. Maybe Javy has seen something all along.

                “So… we doing this then?” Jake asks, because he needs to know. Wants to know.

                “I’m… yeah. I’m in.”

                “Okay. Good. Me too,” Jake says, and he kisses him again, wants to know if their first kiss was a fluke of some sort but is very happy to be proven wrong. His entire body thrums with arousal and god, it’s been a while, but not long enough to warrant this type of reaction. He wants to take Bradley to bed.

                “So,” Bradley says, his lips and teeth leaving little ticklish nibbles along Jake’s jaw. “I guess one of the benefits of doing this now is we both have a better idea of what we’re looking for. Already sorted through our twenties and thirties…”

                “Yeah. Know what you’re looking for in a partner, also what you’re not looking for… Oh fuck… Bradley,” Jake mutters as Bradley grinds against him and he can’t believe they’re making out against Bradley’s car like a couple of teenagers.

                “Yeah Jake… Didn’t think I’d find it right in front of me, but I’m not disappointed.”

                “Oh god, Javy’s never going to let me live this down. He’s going to be fucking insufferable.”

                “Don’t worry, I’ll make it worth it.”

                “Fuck, yes please.”

EPILOGUE

[hotreadingwitch]

MADE TO LIE - the drive

BUCKY 

Bucky woke up early that morning, his unnatural body bouncing back easily despite the amount of alcohol he’d consumed mere hours ago. Looking at the ticking hands of his old-fashioned clock with a huff, he got up and put on his running gear before heading outside. When he was stressed like this, when that ball of feeling inside him threatened to boil over and ruin the entire life he’d built from the ground up since he’d reconnected with Steve, running was the only thing that helped. The secluded property Tony owned was free for their use at all times and it was on days like this where he was particularly grateful that he could complete five laps around the acres and acres of surrounding forest. 

Stopping in the middle of the woods, his heart beating hard, though not from running, Bucky pulled out his phone. 

“I’m scared Doc” Bucky’s quiet admission filled the silence when Dr.Pashia picked up. 

“Scared of what exactly Bucky?” She questioned, her calm voice soothing his racing heart, despite the fact that he was calling her unprompted at 5 o’clock in the morning. 

“You know” he gulped. 

“I do” she answers sagely, “But I’d like to hear you say it. I think it would be more helpful for you that way, don’t you think?” 

“I’m scared of what I’m feeling, of the thoughts I’m having…” his voice was thick. 

“Yes, and what else?” 

“Y/n is so special and I’m scared the closer I get to her the more potential I have to hurt her. We started this mission on the wrong foot and I’ve already harmed her just by trying to keep my distance. I keep fucking up and I’m scared it’s only going to get worse the closer we get” he gulped before confessing, “…You know how long I’ve liked her” 

Dr.Pashia was silent, prompting him to continue. 

“I’m worried that it—that everything I’ve been through has taken all the good out of me. And she deserves someone better than me, I know it” 

“I believe that’s Y/n’s choice to make”

He swiped his hand over his mouth in frustration. 

“I—I’ve got to go—” Bucky strained before moving to end the call. 

“Bucky?” Her voice crackled through the line with a small sigh, “I know this all feels like too much for you to handle but before you go, I want to remind you of who you are and who you’ve been, and no, I don’t mean the Winter Soldier. Remember you’re a good man, a good soldier, a good brother, a good son, a good teammate, and a good friend. Please don’t forget that you are good and deserve to be happy despite what you might think and no matter what you’ve done.”

“Thanks, Doc, as always” 

“You’re welcome Bucky” 

Taking a deep, shaky breath he shut down the call before taking the long walk back to the compound. 

Y/N 

Y/n’s alarm went off and she was quickly awakened from her groggy slumber. She slapped her hand over her phone to turn off its incessant buzzing. Past the large windows, Y/n could see the grassy terrain just outside of the compound as well as the large forest and small lake beyond. She sat up, stretching her body before getting out of bed to get herself ready for the day ahead.

When she finally stood, she felt as if her head was going to explode, her vision going slightly blurry around the edges. She knew she and Bucky would be driving down to the city today and yet she’d drank as much as she did last night anyway, without a care in the world. The truth was it was all the caring that had made her drink that much in the first place…and now she was suffering the consequences. 

“Fuck” she grumbled to herself before slipping into a cozy outfit. 

~

“Morning” Y/n announced as she walked into the gray modern kitchen of the compound, wincing as her cheery tone rang loudly in her ears. 

“Ugh” Wanda groaned back as she saw her friend enter the room, “Not so loud, please” 

“How many times have I told you both to pace yourselves? To not drink so much?” Natasha chided with an eye roll. 

“It’s not our fault that you’re somehow biologically immune to vodka” 

“It’s more of a talent than a genetic thing really” she quipped back before wiggling her eyebrows at Y/n, “Excited for today? 

“Not exactly…” Y/n paused over her bowl of cereal. 

“What do you mean, ‘not exactly’?” Wanda pressed, her head tilting, “Don’t you want to get to know your new partner in crime?”

“Well, I guess I hadn’t thought of it like that” Y/n replied pensively. She had been so focused, first, on her anger at Bucky for being so rude and then on the new budding feeling inside her. She hadn’t even considered today could be an opportunity to learn more about the mysterious James Buchanan Barnes, “By the way, I haven’t had the chance to tell you both, last night—” 

A low, gruff voice from behind them interrupted their conversation, “Ready to go Y/n?”

Y/n turned her head to see the Bucky’s tall form lurking in the doorway to the kitchen. 

“You bet” she replied, trying to keep the atmosphere light between them despite the palpable tension. Y/n got up and headed towards the door, turning to her girlfriends and shooting them a nervous look before following him out towards the compound’s garage. Grimacing slightly at him, she added quietly, “As ready as I’ll ever be”

The garage was a very large white room with a slate gray floor and, of course, a gigantic Avengers logo mounted to the wall. Y/n rarely went in there except to get the jets for missions. She and Bucky walked past the rows of Avengers planes until they came to a door tucked away in the front corner that Y/n had somehow never noticed. It was the exact same colour as the wall and blended in seamlessly. Bucky unlocked it with a small silver key revealing a room full of vintage cars. 

“Wow” Y/n exclaimed at what she assumed was Tony’s collection, running her finger along the shiny side of a red convertible, “These are amazing”

“Well, this one is ours for the time being” Bucky gestured to a slick black car with silver accents. He caressed the car with an almost childlike wonder, taking in every detail of its exterior. Y/n had never seen him excited like this before, he was usually so closed off. 

“It’s a 1966 Ford Thunderbird”

“You like cars?” she assessed, smiling at him before slipping into the plush leather passenger seat. 

Bucky nodded, sliding in as well. As they backed out of the garage he gripped the wheel with his vibranium hand, the flesh one rested on the back of Y/n’s headrest. Y/n couldn’t help but inhale his scent as he leaned into her while he backed up. He smelt good and masculine like wood, smoke, and gunmetal all mixed together. 

As they drove away from the compound Y/n immediately became immersed in the scenery around them. The trees seemed to sway, beautiful with their various warm shades of red, orange, and yellow. Bucky stared at Y/n as she looked out the window, her knees tucked up to her chest. Her head then turned and she was startled to see Bucky’s blue-gray gaze fixated on her even as he drove. 

~1 hour later~

“We should listen to something” Y/n chirped. Bucky rolled her eyes but she ignored his grumpy response, quickly connecting her phone to the speaker, “Hmm let’s see. Well, what kind of music do you like?”

“I like 40s music so…” he replied.

“Any other decades?” Y/n laughed. 

Bucky gave her a stony look but remained silent. 

“60s? 70s? 80s?” She questioned but he continued to fight back with his silence. 

“Fine let’s go with the classics…” she thought aloud, “What about the Beatles?” 

“No” 

“Fleetwood Mac?”

“No” 

“Led Zeppelin?” 

“Maybe” 

“What about Marvin Gaye? Everybody loves Marvin Gaye” 

“I like Marvin Gaye” Bucky replied, earnestly. 

“Steve adores Marvin Gaye” she giggled, pushing him a bit further, grumbling, “You clearly don’t…”

His superhuman hearing picked up on her bait. 

“I like Marvin Gaye” he growled, practically pulling out the steering wheel with his tight grip. 

Though Bucky angry with his fists clenched should have scared Y/n it ended up doing the exact opposite. She broke out into a fit of laughter and couldn’t stop herself even when she saw Bucky’s eyebrows raise at her as if to say, what the hell. In a minute, however, his features softened. Somehow, even though she was technically making fun of him, the gentle laughter of the woman beside him made him smile, even if just a little. 

“Do you even know this song?” She quipped, continuing to playfully jab at him as she queued a track. 

Hey, hey, hey…Hey, what’s happening? Brother, what’s up? 

The intro to Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On rumbled through the car’s updated system that Tony had no doubt paid too much money to install. The sweet croon of the saxophone, followed by the artist’s mellow voice, acted like a balm to Y/n’s soul. Relaxing further into her cushiony, leather seat, she softly sang the first few lines. 

Mother, mother there’s too many of you crying. Brother, brother, brother there’s far too many of you dying. 

“So, do you?” She poked again, a small smile drifting onto her face, “You’ve got to know this one at least” 

“I know it”

“Thank goodness” she blew out an overly-dramatic breath in faux-relief, turning in her seat to smile at him. 

“You do know I was technically alive in the 70s don’t you?” Bucky chuckled with a knowing smirk.

“How old are you even? Exactly, I mean…” 

“I’m 98” he stated easily, “I’ll be 99 next March” 

“When’s your birthday?” 

“God” he groaned, “Please tell me you aren’t asking ‘cause you want to know my sign. Wanda cornered me when we first met to ask, I couldn’t get away from her for two whole hours. She did my entire birth chart” 

He said the last words with semi-disgust causing Y/n to chortle. 

“So you’re not going to tell me then” she sighed before guessing, “Well let’s think, you’ve already said you’re born in March so you’re either a Pisces or an Aries. Guessing by how emotionally unavailable you seem I’m going to go ahead and say Pisces” 

“Hey! That shit is scary…” he barely repressed a shiver, “I don’t get how you can know these kinds of things about people, from what, the stars?” 

“I like to think it’s fate, the way that we end up that is” 

“You believe in fate?” He scoffed. 

She gazed at him, affronted, “Yeah I do, you don’t?” 

“I learned a long time ago not to believe in things like that” 

A beat of silence passed between them. 

“Well start believing, old man” 

Bucky scoffed again before a smile slowly spread across his face, like he was trying to suppress it but was failing miserably. It took Y/n all her strength to tear her gaze away from the bright expression that had appeared in place of Bucky’s typical stormy, hard-edged gaze. Only when she finally found herself able to do so did she realize that Bucky was parking their car in the mostly empty parking lot of a building just off the side of the highway they’d been on for the last hour. The orange-neon sign stated that they were at “Milton’s Drive-In Diner”

As Y/n stepped into the diner, the jiggle of the bell attached to the door made her jump. It was so quiet otherwise, seemingly no one in the space other than a small older man tucked away toward the back counter and a pair of girlfriends who Y/n assumed might be going camping due to their large packs. Bucky placed a comforting hand on the small of her back, the act easing the tension between her shoulders that she hadn’t even realized was there. She relaxed even more when the smell of pies, pastries, and shitty coffee suddenly filled her nostrils. 

“Not quite a Parisian café but it’ll do” Bucky smirked toward her. 

“No, not quite” she joked back before admitting, “I might just like it better”

Bucky made no comment, though he didn’t need to, the rise of his eyebrow was enough. 

“Hello, hello” a cheery older woman, maybe in her mid-60s, with a Southern drawl called out from the kitchen, “Sit wherever y’all like” 

Bucky shuffled them over to a table in the corner opposite the one the older man seemed to be now passed out in. Y/n sat down at the booth, her hands rubbing curiously across the cracked vinyl of the seat below her.

“Y/n” Bucky said then, something about the soft way he said her name drawing her attention back to him. 

Sometimes she forgot just how handsome he truly was. 

“Yes?”

“Before we get to the city, I think we should talk more about the mission…We haven’t really discussed any of it since Tony assigned it to us” 

“Very good Barnes, I’m sure he would give you a gold star if he was here” she chuckled to herself. 

“I’m serious” he gritted out, “And it’s Bucky” 

Her mind flashed to the night of the party, nodding silently before sighing, a bitterness coating her tongue as she spoke, “Well Bucky, I know this mission goes against everything I believe in and yet because of you and Tony I’m doing it anyways. I also know that, for some unknown reason, you’re just somehow fine with everything. Care to explain?” 

He shook his head in disbelief, ice seeping into his sharp gaze.

“You’re not going to tell me why you’re okay with this are you?” 

“No,” he said through gritted teeth. 

“No?” she huffed, eyes narrowing, “Okay right, real good talk partner. Next time you want to have a real conversation Barnes remember that it takes two to tango” 

“You think I don’t know that” he spat back, lowering his voice to a deadly rumble, “Listen Y/n, there are reasons behind my choices that you’ll never know or understand okay? That doesn’t mean you get to say I’m not trying cause I am, believe me, this is the hardest thing I’ve had to do in years. I’m trying to do the right thing for once in my fucking life, to start fresh, to do anything other than what I’ve done in my past. So please believe me when I say that I am trying, I’m trying to be better for you…” 

The confession sat on the linoleum table between them. 

“Don’t you think we should’ve had this conversation before we even had sex?” Y/n whispered quietly, hating how vulnerable she sounded, surprised at the bundle of emotions that were suddenly spilling out, “We got assigned the mission and you hurt me by being cruel, we filmed the tape and you hurt me by acting like it was nothing, we watched the news spread like wildfire and you hurt me by forcing me to deal with the aftermath alone…All you’ve done is hurt me Bucky and it just sucks, you’re supposed to be my partner in this. I want you to be with me in this.” 

“I’m—” he started, peering down at her with clear regret, only to be interrupted by the old Southern belle from earlier, who was ready to take their order. 

“What can I get y’all? You driving down to the city? Bet you’re staying somewhere nice downtown from the looks of yous” 

“Two Club Sandwiches, a Coke for me and a chocolate milkshake for her” Bucky ordered off, purposefully ignoring the other question about their plans. 

When she left them again, Y/n grumbled, “So now you’re ordering for me” 

“Did I not get you what you wanted?” he asked, cocking a brow, the tension between them slowly dissipating. 

“You did, congratulations you’re an observant creep”

Bucky laughed at that which only pissed Y/n off because that low chuckle of his and that bright smile which was as infrequent as the Sun on a cloudy December day, made her shamelessly grin. 

When their food arrived after a few minutes they ate in companionable silence. Despite their talk, it wasn’t awkward, it was the kind of silence that they both knew came after the storm. And for two people who rarely shared their deepest fears to anyone, let alone someone who could use it against them, that moment of honesty was pouring rain indeed. 

“Just the bill now, thanks doll,” Bucky said when they were finally wrapping up at the diner, his eyes widening as he realized he had just accidentally flirted with the older waitress, calling her by the old-fashioned nickname. 

With a huff, he wrung his hands before opening his mouth to apologize. 

“No need to apologize sweet thing…” she interrupted him with a bright laugh, her peachy skin crinkling with the movement, “Haven’t had much attention since my husband George died just around three years ago now, you’ve done made my day” 

“Oh” he smiled awkwardly, “Well I’m glad to hear—” 

“Paula!” she interrupted again, tilting her head back to call her colleague, “Paula you won’t believe it, this young man here is flirting with me” 

Bucky hung his head and Y/n barely surpassed a snort as she mouthed ‘young man,’ prompting him to glare exasperated daggers at her. Another waitress, who Y/n figured must be Paula, craned her neck out from behind the floppy doors that led to the kitchen. 

“Is that so Daph?” She looked over before throwing a sultry wink at Bucky. 

“Oh Lord” he huffed quietly so that only Y/n could hear. 

When they got back to the car, Bucky caught her hand as it reached for the music dial. 

“Listen Y/n about what you said—” 

“Don’t bother” she responded, “It’s okay, I’m just being overly emotional…” 

It was okay to her in that moment, she didn’t even think she really needed to hear him say it. Just from the sorrow in his blue eyes, she knew he was sorry. 

“But I’m going to anyways…” he continued, “I’m sorry for how I treated you, how my actions made you feel. I never should’ve been so cold. Just because it’s how I operate when I’m nervous doesn’t mean you deserve to be on the other side suffering. I’m truly sorry Y/n and I hope you can forgive me eventually.”

“I do” she whispered before clearing her throat a speaking with more confidence, “Forgive you I mean, I do” 

He nodded roughly before cranking the key in the ignition and pulling out of the Milton’s Drive-In Diner parking lot. 

~

“We’re here,” Bucky said. 

Y/n glanced up at the tall building, admiring the carved white stone walls, the stained glass entrance and the fancy red carpet leading up to the doors. Bucky gave the car over to the valet before sweeping Y/n through the heavy doors and into the ornate lobby. They checked in quickly and then headed upstairs to their suite. 

The room was fancy, to say the least, French in style, and huge. There was a general living space just past the foyer the main set of doors opened to, multiple bathrooms, a study, and even a wide terrace that spanned the entire length of the suite. 

“Alright let’s get ready then” Y/n stated, the plush carpet beneath her feet muffling her steps as she searched, “Where are the bedrooms?”

She moved through the large main room and towards what appeared to be the only remaining door in the suite on the right-hand side. Her mouth parted slightly as she opened the double doors revealing one giant king-sized bed. 

“I’m gonna kill Stark” she growled through gritted teeth. 

“What is it?” Bucky questioned, coming up behind her so that his front was an inch from her back, “Oh”

The proximity sent a shiver up Y/n’s spine. She quickly shook off the memories of Bucky’s soft lips on her skin. 

“Well, anyway” she sighed distractedly before gesturing to the bedroom, “I’ll get ready in here, are you okay to use a bathroom?” 

He huffed before grabbing the bundle of his clothes for the night, “Sure”

Y/n closed the doors to the bedroom and unzipped the garment bag that contained her clothes for the date which she had let Wanda and Natasha pick out for her. Her fingers quickly caressed a dress made of silky red fabric, admiring its quality. She then gasped as she saw what was hanging in the bag underneath it. Instead of a regular bra and panties, the girls had selected a lacy black set of mostly sheer lingerie to go under her dress. “Oh for fuck’s sake” she breathed. 

“Almost ready?” called Bucky’s voice from the other side of the door.

Y/n quickly put the set on and slipped the dress on before realizing it needed to be done up at the back. “Yep!” She responded, “But can you zip me up?” 

Bucky’s lips parted slightly as Y/n opened the door. Her silky red dress hugged her curves in all the right places and they were only enhanced by the tall black heels that she was wearing. Y/n turned, exposing the super soldier to her mostly bare backside. Bucky’s eyes flitted from the exposed small of her back to her lacy black lingerie before focusing on the zipper. 

“Done” he asserted gruffly as Y/n heard the crisp sound of metal fastening. 

Despite Bucky’s past attitude towards her, Y/n couldn’t help her breath from hitching when his hands lingered a little too long on the small of her back.

“Let’s go,” she said, turning to face him. For a second they remained close, both of them breathing in the other before Bucky walked towards the foyer. 

“Right” he replied gruffly, before looking at her and smirking, “We’ve got a date to go on” 

A/N - if any of you were interested in where I got Bucky’s scent from, it was based on Tom Ford’s cologne called OudWood. 

Requested Tag List: cjand10 identity2212 bucky-jbb-sunshine unaxv hnnhbananananana

[fushiglow]

sooo... can we all agree that this fight is definitely ending next week???

some (lots of) thoughts on the jjk 234 leaks below!!

i feel like i'm the only person who's still really enjoying this fight??? like i think it's great????? anyway.

i can't believe megumi had a TIGER SHIKIGAMI??? and now it's just GONE????? honestly, ever since the yorozu fight i've been bummed out by how much of megumi's growth sukuna has taken from him, but this one *really* hurt.

i convinced myself that gege would save the tenth shadow for the boy's big comeback (because i'm an idiot) 😭 i know there's still a ton of potential in megumi's domain but his precious animals!!!! ugh.

although speaking of comebacks — "how long are you gonna make me wait? you're no longer fushiguro's shadow, you're MINE" is suspicious as hell 👀 is mahoraga reluctant to follow sukuna's wishes??? WHY????

as for gojo, turns out he *is* the strongest because he's gojo satoru. i've got so much respect for him after all this, he doesn't even need to win to prove himself.

when hakari said gojo told them only to intervene when he's weaker than them, i laughed out loud. he's there with half an arm, no rct left, brain damage from using his domain too much, and you're telling me we're *still* not at that point?? like i knew the gulf between him and the next strongest was big but not THAT big??? just how strong is he???? 💀💀💀

as a side note, i'm *so* happy to see that the students have a plan in place!! and i love that gojo wasn't too proud to make one — although we knew that already. i hope we get more insight into what's happened over the last month in the coming chapters. (also will everyone stop coming for my boy yuta now??? he was just worried about his sensei!!)

still, i feel like the peek into the future on the last page spells either victory or death for gojo. the insight into sukuna's thoughts was very welcome and i'm glad to see that he's sweating as much as gojo right now. however, the dialogue about win conditions at the start of the chapter keeps playing on my mind. a lot could happen in 41 seconds and there's no guarantee that gojo is still standing by the time that hollow purple hits.

(by the way, are we thinking it's the same purple from the start of this fight swinging back around like red did a couple of chapters ago?? or is this the unlimited hollow thing from last week??? confusion)

i have no idea how this fight will end, but it definitely feels like next week's chapter will mark the conclusion. it lines up with the end of the volume, so it seems likely. anyone brave enough to make any solid predictions???

i keep changing my mind about what's going to happen. like i know we've all convinced ourselves that gojo will die (probably to prepare ourselves for the worst) but it seems too predictable for gege. i think he's done well to keep us guessing for this many months though.

anyway, the essay i started writing about gojo a few weeks ago has turned into a monster essay about gain and loss and karmic cycles and how they play out in this fight. unlikely that anyone else will care but i've spent too long rotting my brain over it not to post so... maybe later this week??

[djservo]

riding the high of seeing challengers twice already means i’ve remembered tumblr (the gifs that will be reblogged..) in time for the monthly book wrap up! coming in thick and fast are we in a post-Easton Ellis world? where did your april reading take you and what’s on the horizon for may?

I've heard that's the movie of the moment!! do you think we'll see a cultural resurgence of casual tennis and all the clouty pickleball courts soon to be taken over by tennis as the lord intended? much 2 think about ..... april was laughably not a big reading month for me ugh so i'll take a page from ur book + talk about some fav watches

The Edible Woman by Margaret Atwood

my first Atwood! reminded me of The Vegetarian by Han Kang with its theme of appetite linked to interpersonal relationships + unraveling sense of self (in fact this book might've popped on my radar bc of its association with it). I liked how each character had their own quirks + weird shit going on too, made the stakes that much more layered and set a kinda zany world for the plot to unfurl in

Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis

finally acquainted with Mr Ellis... not as graphic as I was expecting it to get but I suppose it's his debut + ultimately a different subject matter/world than American Psycho so Understandable! very sparsely + unfeelingly written which I might've read as lazy had I read it years ago but luckily I'm a dedicated student at the Dennis Cooper Institute of Mundane Morbidity so I can appreciate the detachment as an effective vehicle for plot/development. a little repetitive and predictable after a certain point but I think that was the point of it all. im excited to dive into his later / more thorough works!!

Fan Fiction: A Satire by Tavi Gevinson

not actually a book but a 75 page zine that I devoured in one sitting truly unable to rip my eyes away, so im counting it. rookie mag + tavi were staples for me as a teen and tho I was never a swiftie, she also very much aligns with teenage years in my head + she's also just the perfect subject for this kind of piece so this was incredibly nostalgic... so playful and clever and funny and weird, reminiscent of I Love Dick by Chris Kraus with unreliable + obsessive narrator in autofiction form. RPF is actually very ethical and fun when it's this well-formed methinks

The Adjuster (1991) dir. Atom Egoyan

this is only my 4th Egoyan but I'm so amazed at how he portrays desire and obsession and detachment in an equally unsettling and blasé way, images that stay on my mind weeks later. I feel like I consistently see a lot of praise for Arsinée Khanjian's performance in his films (rightfully so!!), but Gabrielle Rose is such a queen of haunting intensity I just can't not stan!!!

Young Soul Rebels (1991) dir. Isaac Julien

really fun sexy cool giallo set in late 70s london. amazing soundtrack and costume / set design, cultural/racial/sexual clashes expertly touched on in both explicit + subtle ways. Julien has such an incredible eye for detail, I wish he'd make more narrative films

Girls Town (1996) dir. Jim McKay

sensitively nuanced and surprisingly (for being directed by a man) realistic portrayal of girlhood with another great soundtrack + costume design moment. just felt incredibly real between the friendship dynamics and adolescent handling of difficult topics - the kind of movie I wish I'd come across a decade ago but am grateful I got to see such a beautiful restoration of it

Hustler White (1996) dir. Rick Castro, Bruce LaBruce

WOOOOOOF tony fuckin ward........... hard for me to focus on much else at the moment but wow this was so sexy and funny like surprisingly slapstick at times?? i mentioned it in my letterboxd review, but literally slapstick stumbling into a BDSM scene... just a the perfect convergence of things I love to see on screen, a perfect fun time!!

my sister and I are buddy reading (2) referenced works in Fan Fiction: A Satire + I've got a handful of potential picks for AAPIHM reads, probably leaning more towards the nonfiction route bc this JCO short story collection has maxed out my capacity for fiction at the moment

[mixterglacia]

CONTENT WARNING

VIVZIEPOP CRITICAL/STOLITZ CRITICAL BELOW THE CUT

You have been warned.

I wanna clear some things up before I get to the episode. (Yes I will clarify when I get into the ep itself.)

Stolitz in and of itself isn't the issue. Them being toxic, or messy isn't actually a problem. In fact, that can make for very interesting characters.

If you actually put in the effort to do so.

Currently as it stands, they're just a lukewarm, half-thought out, sad microwaved piece of steak. They were once a very satisfying meal. They could POTENTIALLY get back to that point. But you have to treat them right.

My biggest issue with these two is how easy they are to fix. Or rather, how easy they could be. I actually don't hate the idea of them together, I just hate how they're executed.

Here's a few things I would have done, and the problems I have with the current state of things.

One, make it like an addiction. I often jab at Stolas being the architect of his own undoing, but...the biggest risk he's taken has already happened. He's gone through with the divorce. As the child of one, they suck but to put it bluntly, Stolas has lost practically nothing.

If he were risking being disowned, that would be one thing. But you've given no indication that he's dealing with anything short of normal problems. Royalty has to deal with assassination attempts already, so Stella trying to take him out is just a Tuesday for him. (In fact, that would be a very funny potential running gag. "Ugh, Stella you really think I would fall for this? You know I have royal bomb sniffers. Try harder, you witch!")

Instead, make it so he and Blitz never had any real reason to keep getting together. Make it so SO easy for them to get over each other. No matter how many 'last times' they have. It's never going to be enough.

Their motives can be different, sure that's great. Blitz started it in a very shallow way, and Stolas craves the relationship he's always wanted. I agree with you, that's an interesting start.

But the book bribery just makes anything in this whole deal lack a punch. Blitz CAN'T get out of this. He has an entire team, one of which is his daughter to support. He literally couldn't get out of this if he wanted to. He likely still thinks the gem is some sort of trick. Like it's a test.

Instead of what it should be. A deep, unavoidable NEED. Something so addicting that they can't stop. They keep falling together, Blitz clearly struggling with his burgeoning desire to stay. Stolas with his clear understanding that he's going to destroy his daughters life.

Because as it stands, it's painfully boring. We've seen plenty of royals hooking up with servants. And that's what Blitz is/was for the grand majority of this. He was that vision he had. A man on a chain, unable to get away from this rich bastard because he NEEDED his magic.

Give me substance. Give me two deeply flawed men finding comfort in their own ruination. Give Stolas more stake in the game. Make his life well and truly fall apart because he just can't stay away, even though it's as easy as breathing.

Because at the end of the day, Viv and Co can't decide what they want. Do they want us to believe that Blitz wants this too? Because I sincerely haven't seen evidence of it.

There is a difference between showing and telling.

You're SHOWING us that Blitz is desperate to keep what little he has afloat. You're SHOWING us a struggling father who's grasping at every little moment to keep his adopted daughter and two employees fed. You're SHOWING us a man so driven to carve out a niche for himself that he'll subject himself to being a prince's dick for hire.

You're TELLING us that he's growing feelings for Stolas. You're TELLING us he's just as wrong as Stolas is.

Blitz is wrong about MANY things, but this isn't one of them.

You're SHOWING us Stolas is constantly demeaning Blitz. You're SHOWING us he's just moping around his big fuck off castle, not putting in more than the bare minimum for his daughter. You're SHOWING us that he's a petulant toddler in a grown man's body. You're SHOWING us that Stolas has allowed Blitz and his daughter to live in abject poverty this whole time.

You TRIED to show us that he's actually got some level of feelings below all that, but you keep throwing the sincerity of that into question.

You're TELLING us that he's always held him in such high regard/value. You're TELLING us to feel bad when he's arguably worse of an asshole than Blitz.

Give us real character development. Not rushed one-liners that are often so hard to tell if they're genuine or not.

My big issue with the Helluverse in general, but ESPECIALLY Boss, is that the team is so obsessed with getting to the juicy bits that they DON'T PUT IN THE EFFORT TO GET THERE. This isn't a telenovela. This is a early 2000's drabble fic pretending to be a plot.

Your work lacks any true substance. It's EMBARRASSING. You're letting your fans do all the work for you and hardly putting forth any quality writing yourself.

You need to stop CONSTANTLY contradicting yourself.

They're both often in the wrong, that much is true. I won't ever argue that. But I am dreading how this episode is going to shit on Blitz when he was ABSOLUTELY JUSTIFIED FOR WHAT HE SAID TO STOLAS.

Okay, let's get into this crap.

Let me start by saying this. Viv and Co? If you're going to try and gaslight me, at least make it fun. Or less obvious.

Why is it bad when Blitz says he wants to earn his ticket to earth? He so SO clearly thinks this is just a test by Stolas. It's so plainly obvious that they never communicate, and why are we pretending Blitz has no right to be mad here? Sure Stolas got hurt, but how is that anything other than his own fault?

Blitz has NEVER pretended he was anything other than a booty call for Stolas. It really REALLY isn't his problem that he didn't recognize that.

"We don't do words. We do sex." There we have it folks.

You can't make me feel bad for Stolas over this. He made a deal with a man who NEEDED him to keep his company running. Why should Blitz have to grow feelings for a man that never wanted more than his body?

“Everyone just hates me for shitty reasons.” This is the line that makes Stolas look like a total dickwad. EVERYONE else (from what we know) has genuine, valid problems with Blitz. Stolas just misunderstood him and is mad that he couldn’t coerce this man into being in a relationship. Why should I feel bad that Blitz ripped into him?

You’re SHOWING me Stolas is throwing a tantrum. Then you’re TELLING me to be mad at Blitz? Fucking why? He’s RIGHT.

“I don’t look down on you!” FUCKING PROVE IT. You’ve made literally no effort outside of some throw away lines to show that he actually cares. Everything he’s after from Blitz is sex. He never gives any hints that he wants more until he explodes. He’s always baby talking him and treating him like a toy. You are SHOWING us something totally at odds with what you’re TELLING us.

Why is Stolas acting like Blitz didn’t send M’n’M to save him? Why is he acting like Blitz wasn’t literally in another ring of Hell during this? Blitz was literally doing all he could in that moment, because NEWS FLASH YOU IDIOT! He was being a good dad and taking care of his daughter! Take notes!

I’m getting very concerned that there’s no continuity editor. Because this was either an intentional misrepresentation of the truth on Stolas’ part, (which if that was the case, he’s even more of a prick.) or they just forgot their own show!

Stolas is crying about showing Blitz so much attention and time and care. WHERE? Is it between the sex and hired jobs? When are they spending quality time together? Sex. Is not. A relationship. Blitz was never putting up signals that he wanted anything more, he is not in the wrong here.

I know damn well Stolas isn’t out here asking Blitz if he feels remorse. DO YOU? I refuse to be gaslit into thinking that Stolas isn’t the problem here. Blitz is totally justified when he shouts that he doesn’t owe Stolas anything. He doesn’t. He never signed up to be in a relationship. He’s functionally just doing his job.

The mini-apology tour was actually quite fun. Especially the humans. Good job.

I’m also somewhat confused why the party was held on Earth. At first I thought it was because the others didn’t know Blitz had the crystal, so they did it in a place he couldn’t go. That would have been a pretty decent stroke of writing on their part. But then they said it was the one night any of them could go through? Why bother with Earth? It just seems kinda pointless? If I’m missing some narrative reason, feel free to let me know.

Honestly the one shining star of this episode is Verosika. She was BRILLIANT. I wasn’t anticipating how much I was going to enjoy her writing. She’s going out of her way to basically give these folks a night to let their hurt out once a year, at her own expense. She’s functionally holding a group therapy session. I really adored that nuance.

Unfortunately, it all just makes Stolas look so much worse. These people were wronged by Blitz. Deeply, truly wronged. (Though how he can cause this much damage in what, like thirty, thirty five years is a lil…weird. Unless she’s just inviting everyone he’s slept with.) Compared to them, Stolas looks like a petty ass.

I’m really not that mad at the song, but more so how she’s trying to make us feel about it. Everything Stolas is saying is more or less true. He’s the one that misinterpreted what they had. He’s the one trying to get this man who never showed any actual interest. He’s the problem. But every time you give us a moment of introspection, you then use it as fuel to try and force us to feel bad for Stolas. For once in this show’s life, can we actually let someone be mad at Stolas and not use it for a future pity party?

He is not the victim in all of this.

While Blitz is an undeniable asshole, he’s not the one that asked for this. He made a desperate deal to try and survive. Never once did he pretend to be anything outside of that. Do you seriously expect me to believe this song is what would make him go “oh no i hurt him im a meanie”?

This would GALVANIZE him. “Fuck this royal bird for pretending I’m such a bad person. Like he wasn’t playing with me like a toy.”

Why should we pretend that this apology/confession isn’t totally out of left field? The only one I wanted to say sorry to was you? He wouldn’t fucking say that! He had what, an afternoon of fake sorries and this is the one he actually wants to give? No!

It feels cheap and rushed. While the sequence is decently written (and very well acted, kudos Brandon) out of contex, it feels stupid when you look at the show as a whole. Especially when you follow it up with Stolas directly stating he just wants SOMEONE to be with. He doesn’t want Blitz. He just wants someone that isn’t obligated to be with him. So why does that have to be Blitz? Why are you forcing this relationship when you directly clarify that Stolas isn’t even after Blitz in particular?

I’m sorry but you all have ship-blinders on.

When you take them off and look at everything in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t work. And that’s okay! It’s honestly fine to let a relationship end! They can be a step on each other’s journeys and there’s nothing wrong with that. I truly don’t get why they’re pushing for this to be the end goal when there’s far more weight in letting them move on. Honestly it’d be refreshing to see them tackle it in such a way!

But that’s the problem I mentioned with Viv and Co’s writing before. They excel in drabbles. But when you try to make a show out of drabbles, it falls apart eventually. The narrative doesn’t flow. The characters are all over the place. It makes it all the more infuriating when you get moments like the balcony sequence.

Gods that started so strong. It was so SO well done.

Then you shoot it in the foot by once again trying to force this boring, broken ship down our throats. You know what Blitz needs?

SOMEONE THAT WANTS HIM FOR WHO HE IS. NOT SOMEONE THAT’S JUST LONELY AND WANTS ANYONE THAT LOOKS HIS WAY.

He deserves Fizz. Or hell, he deserves to grow as a person and learn to love himself outside of the lens of others. He shouldn’t have to keep chasing a guy he didn’t like in the first because he thinks no one else will have him.

That’s pathetic and sad. Why should we be rooting for these two? Just because Stolas felt bad that he was using Blitz’s desperation as a tool to keep fucking him? I DON’T FEEL BAD WHEN HE CLEARLY WAS EXPECTING BLITZ TO ROLL OVER AND THANK HIM FOR COMMON DECENCY. You don’t do good deeds to expect anything. Despite them TELLING us he was willing to give Blitz the crystal, come what may, that’s not what they SHOWED us.

Stolas is a total creep and I won’t be gaslit into wanting them back together. Until they actually prove to us that he can value Blitz as a PERSON and not a toy? Hard pass.

Learn how to actually write a good toxic ship and get back to me. Because for how interesting these two can be, you had the unmitigated gall to make them BORING. Christ on a bike, let Blitz be interesting in his own fucking show challenge. You can’t just write the fun bits. You gotta work for it.

[mittensmorgul]

okay, i think at least one of my thoughts on this episode is beginning to congeal into something... Gabriel

and I’m gonna call him Gabriel for the sake of expediency, because I do think that’s who it is. let me explain.

first off, they name checked Tall Tales in a bit of throwaway dialogue. but I heard it. (i’ll rewatch tomorrow when it’s on the cw app and get the exact quote, but it was just weird enough as dialogue that it felt deliberately inserted there)

then there’s what we DO know about Gabriel’s timeline, mostly from things he himself said in canon. in 5.08:

You don't know anything about my family. I love my father, my brothers. Love them. But watching them turn on each other? Tear at each other's throats? I couldn't bear it! Okay? So I left. And now it's happening all over again.

I always believed he was referencing the ORIGINAL fight between Michael and Lucifer here, when Luci ended up crammed in the cage. That’s what he ran from. At the beginning of Humanity on Earth. And he’d been playing Loki for... look let’s call it at least thousands of years. And Loki? in 13.20:

GABRIEL: Oh, well… We were. A few thousand epochs ago, I was out for a hike in the fjords. Came across Loki bound in a cave, snake dripping venom into his eye. Ugh. Apparently, he had some spat with his pops. Anyhoo, I freed him. Saved his life. Then my real brothers started going at it. I wanted out. Loki owed me one, so… he helped me ditch Gabriel and become him. DEAN: So then you took on his whole… trickster vibe. SAM: What did Loki do while you were impersonating him? GABRIEL: Oh. Well, he had his own family drama to worry about. It was in his best interest to go off the grid for a while. DEAN: But you saw him in Monte Carlo. GABRIEL: Well, I needed someplace to hide. He'd already helped me the once.

So both of them were out and about. even if they were both staying off grid as it were. And I always assumed that Loki only came back out after he heard of Gabriel’s “outing” and “death”-- and Odin’s actual death-- in 5.19.

But circling back around to the Tall Tales reference... it took me a while to see how it could be Gabriel. He had two modes: hoist the deserving upon their own petard, and teach people he actually finds interesting lessons they need to learn. And weirdly... this turned out to be the latter. And it feels even more like an Important Lesson that needed to be learned with Chuck literally sitting in the backup band. Even if that was just supposed to be some random musical group, you know? In a meta way, that’s still Chuck.

(and the role even fit’s Chuck’s known history, thanks Robbie... playing all sorts of music clubs, just having relationships, etc., but that’s all really beside the point to this)

Gabriel... was playing pretty much the same game he did on Sam and Dean way back in 2.15. Like... exactly the game he’s always played on them right up until they finally caught him in 5.08.

Why do you think I've always taken such an interest in you? Because from the moment Dad flipped on the lights around here, we knew it was all gonna end with you. Always.

And that feels like the EXACT reason he would’ve taken an interest in Sam and Dean’s parents, too.

But also in all the episodes of spn that dealt with Trickster lore, and actual Loki lore, there was never a mention of a mirror. Or of being able to kill any of them with a shiny blade covered in blood and whatever spell they did. It was always a special stake. And Gabriel actually did eventually kill Loki... with a special wooden sword. Not a shiny blade.

So, why the deviation in lore? I know we’ve been asking this throughout The Winchesters, but this feels really important here, as well as having a potential explanation immediately to hand: that Gabriel set up all of it. He just wanted to play up close and personal with the Winchesters, maybe pass off a little lesson if he could. But also, regardless, it’s another nod to an angel in the series, and those are really beginning to pile up without actually showing us a real angel. And I’m entirely bemused by that on its own.

[kaeya-official]

You...make a good point. Unfortunately, I'm still not sure. Wait, no...actually...I think I am. You're...understanding and kind.

I think it's because. I feel like. I'm not living up to my potential or something like that. Ugh, I'm being really cringey yeah I know. I feel like despite everything and all that's in me- the output would always be average and barely something that is deserving of appreciation or acknowledgement.

Then, I kind of just stop trying. It feels like being trapped in a cage you locked yourself up in.

"Ah, yeah, I know that feeling well... It's not an easy thing to get past. You are your own worst critic, right? But I think... I think what it comes down to, is that your maximum potential is something you work up to. You never start at the top, it's always a climb. And if you were already at the top, wouldn't that be a little sad? That you had no more space to grow or change?"

"...I don't have any answers with easy fixes, or the correct way to go about fixing this feeling, but I can say that it will pass, eventually. As long as you don't give up on yourself, there is always another end to the tunnel, a peak to the mountain, and other such cheesy metaphors. You can't be kept down if you always get back up, right? It's not about not falling in the first place."

"Celebrate small achievements. You draw, right? Let yourself feel good about practicing, even if it doesn't turn out how you envisioned it. Having drawn anything at all is a good first step, and repeating that step enough times will inevitably lead to improvement, like individual bricks making up a wall."

"And remember to rest, refuel, hydrate. The body isn't a machine, it's an animal, and all animals need food, water, and rest to live their best lives. A horse cannot run at its top speed unless it is well cared for, and the same is true for humans. And even then, a well taken care of horse cannot run at top speeds at all times. Do yourself the service of taking care of yourself properly, and don't burn yourself out trying to sprint constantly. Pace yourself, take care of your body and mind. Live in cycles of rest and action. The rest will come naturally alongside."

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

Rewatched the vld pilot i have uhhhh opinions-

First things first, it was good!!! Like both as entertainment and as writing wise it was good!!! It sets up the characters and introduces the plot really well, it was good ok! It was good!!

It also hurt SO MUCH knowing what happens later on like both because so many things in the pilot gets undermined or completely forgotten and because the show really had a lot of potential

Like it sets up so many themes that really didnt go anywhere- Shiro's backstory, whatever shitty energy thing Keith has, Lance's potential arc, Allura's arc, Lion bond, destiny etc etc

It feels so nice to be vindicated about Hunk. Like he is bitchy! He loves to complain! He will go through your personal stuff! I love him, he is kind but absolutely not nice, i love him!

Could have done with less fat jokes though like ugh stop

Also Lance really was great here, like i might be biased but like he was genuinely more complex than people give him credit for. Like he is showboaty, a jerk and a pompous cunt, but he is also great at noticing what people need, making right snap decisions under a lot of pressure, knowing when to jump in but also when to not do that and is genuinely kind and accepting, but also all of this undermined by his fucking personality

Also where are my 1000 and 1 fics of Lance who genuinely thought he saw Hunk die and when the battle is over he is getting a bit protective of Hunk to the point of being overbearing.

And i love how Coran and Lance did not like each other makes whatever is going to happen next all the more compelling

Also why the fuck do people act like Lance bullied poor Keith like the garrison trio are WAY bitchier and meaner towards each other, like Keith is not a victim and he's definately not passive and defenseless about it either he was literally calling Lance a non essential weight

Also speaking of Keith, he was BARELY there, like aside from the story taking its time to go on about how special and amazing Keith is, the bike and the red lion scene he was just barely there. Like the others felt like they were present even when the scene wasnt focusing on them but you can easily forget Keith is supposed to be there

Like seriously even Shiro was more focused with Pidge

Like no wonder they had to screw over and undermine the entire cast and the plot to make Keith the Protagonist™ because otherwise he would not have been this popular

They should have kept this trend honestly

Also god i missed Pidge being actually interesting and likable, like she was flawed and could be mean but also just a girl desperate to find her family, god if only LM didnt decide to make her a flawless self insert

I still think they should have killed her father and/or her brother, like just for the flavour it would have been great

Hell she was trying to save the prisoners who even fucking Shiro was ready to abandon! Granted it was to look for her family but still!!

Also Allura!! My girl Allura!! God she didnt deserve any of this shit!!

Like she tries so hard to be strong and lead and save universe but also god! But also it was just so clear that the loss of Altea was breaking her and she only Just started to process it

"You must sacrifice everything to form voltron" petition to bring back Alfor AI just so i can kick its ass again, cause like SHUT UP!! SHUT THE FUCK UP! NO SHE DOES NOT! SHE ALREADY LOST SO MUCH AND SHE WILL LOSE SO MUCH LIKE HOW DARE YOU! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!!!

"If i could i would take the burden away from you" THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN FORESHADOWING! HE SHOULD HAVE CAME BACK TO SAVE ALLURA AND TELL HER THAT SHE MUST LIVE NOW! THAT SHE DIDNT NEED TO SACRIFICE HERSELF! HE SHOULD HAVE TAKEN HER BURDEN! I AM GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT!! SHUT UP! SHUT UPPP!!!!

Sendak is..... twinkier than i remember

"We must wipe out that filthy race, once and for all!" Zarkon says about the Altean race while his Altean wife whom he claims to love is right there

Anyway yup this was my experience, i loved the pilot

[suhnshinehaos]

i literally just found growing pains yesterday and i DEVOURED it. i absolutely love the idea of exploring and experiencing different types of love throughout your life and the way that was portrayed through seokmin, mingyu, and minghao was SOOOOO well done! i love love love childhood friends to lovers and seokmin and yn being established but then growing apart and having to navigate their new lives and dreams as individuals entering adulthood was heart wrenching but so maturely handled. i loved how yn considered the potential of falling back in love with seokmin for that brief moment after moving back because i just feel like that's such a realistic and vulnerable thought to have. yn's relationship with mingyu too was just!!! when they broke apart and yn set boundaries about not contacting outside the groupchat but they both wanted to message each other!!! UGH! the vulnerability! the strength that would've taken! the respect that they had for each other! SO GOOD!!!! AND HAO!!!!!!!!! SCREAMING, CRYING, THROWING UP, GIGGLING, KICKING MY FEET!!!! PLEASE!!!! WE LOVEEEE A RESPECTFUL KING!!!!! their companionship, their genuine enjoyment of each other's company, their mutual respect for each other's skills and talents! it is soooo rich and fulfilling how they have just integrated themselves into each other's lives and how easyyyyy it was. ugh i could literally just go on forever about this series like i literally spent a car ride with my husband talking about it and how it made me feel! i had to absolutely leave you a message and tell you how much i adored this series and how wonderfully crafted it was. the writing, character relationships, and emotions woven throughout has been gorgeous!!! i hope you have a lovely day!!!!

hold on 😭🤚 i had to do a lap around the house after reading this ask oh my… thank you for this!!

i’m so glad you enjoyed reading gp and so so happy that you like the concept of it. i really do try to make gp as realistic as i can bec to be honest writing it always feels like a moment of reflection for me… and it’s always nice to think about the kinds of loves we experience and how all of it on way or another changes us and aaaah and i love translating that through the different acts

seokyn, yngyu, and ynhao are all so dear to me- but yn most especially, they’ve been through so much and writing the end of it all feels so bittersweet 🥹

anyways, thank you again for this. reading this ask made me look back on yn and yn’s relationships and it’s so nice considering that gp is coming to an end. i hope your day is as lovely as you <3

[hopalongfairywren]

For the ask game, 🥚, 🔪, and 🏳️‍🌈?

🥚 - To what extent should the Eggpire's former members be held responsible for their actions under the Egg's influence? Oooh special interest, be prepared for a long-ass answer. Also, since this is gonna be so long, I'll just reblog my answer to the other two questions. TLDR for those not interested in individual explanations: It varies character to character but for the sake of angst, drama, personal enjoyment, and enjoyment of seeing my favorite characters going through it, I love incorporating this very question into my own stories as a very real side-plot and moral question between revenge and rehabilitation, which would tie in well with the other concurring arcs' themes of retribution, what the line between justice and revenge is, redemption, loss of trust... Ugh talk about waste of potential in canon.... (God forbid the dsmp ever let multiple plotlines intersect in a way that is cool and ties the whole story together) Anyways, I answered this a long time ago, and since then the egg finale happened, so I have a new opinion. c!Hannah, Ponk, even Ant (although he was a blood thirsty little murder kitty) stay the same in that, they were all desperate people taken advantage of (and sometimes even abducted) into being egg-controlled, much like a real cult. Unlike a real cult though, where no matter how brainwashed someone might be we generally treat them as responsible for the crimes they committed, the egg has mind control at it's disposal.

I still don't know how the egg is supposed to actually work in canon lore, like as an ancient parasite, as a fungus, as a supernatural curse...? And at this point we'll never find out, but the point is these people- all of them but especially those three, were under the egg's complete control of their minds, and if not that then at least their was some version of TLOU cordyceps-esq type scenario, but where even if the egg's influence on their minds could at least wane somewhat, (I'll get back to that with the other three offical eggpire members) It still controlled their bodies via muscles. (This probably isn't intended at all, and if the egg solely controlled their muscles, the infected would probably be less able to do things such as plan banquets... but it's a fun concept to explore) Now for the other three, c!Bad, c!Punz, and c!Skeppy (I know he doesn't technically count but I'm ignoring that.) c!Punz is a special case because I feel like they either forgot or didn't care that they were at one point a part of the early eggpire. They weren't at the red banquet. And even though I thought they'd be a Chekhov's gun type situation where he'd come to play in the revival book lore, where it could have been revealed c!stagedduo were working to strengthen the egg as equal-partnership (at least in their minds) allies, in order to distract the SMP by using the killing of c!Vikk and Lazar as a means to feed the egg. Or maybe the Sam Bucket finale stream, or the c!Sam's multiple bodies finale, or the egg finale, or even maybe the finale finale Tommy finale. Which could have with Punz unleashing the egg on c!Clingyduo, betraying c!Dream for it, or idk, something. But nope he was to busy being a walking revival book and god forbid the loose plot threads of the dsmp ever get tied together in a reasonable manor. Also their was that time he was kinda sad c!Tommy died and showed signs of resisting the egg but that just. Doesn't line up with any further characterization we get of him, especially that finale. But even though c!Punz wasn't there at the most memorable egg atrocity, if we're talking about holding dsmp characters accountable for their atrocities, there's a whole other laundry list of crimes c!Punz committed while fully in control of his body. c!Bad is also interesting, because does seem to be able to break out of egg control for a moment so he can yell at c!Skeppy. But that obviously didn't last long enough for him to not go ahead with the red banquet... But it's worth remembering he like the first three was desperate for Skeppy to come back, although that isn't an excuse for any of his actions. But if anyone besides c!Ant was gonna be punished for the red banquet, or c!Sam being trapped, or the multiple Puffy assassination attempts, It would be c!Bad who organized, lead and founded the eggpire in the first place. (Hey c!Sam why'd you demote c!Hannah and treat her like shit for betraying your trust when c!Bad and c!Ant, the men you had carry out one of the jobs you consider most important, keeping c!dream in the prison betrayed you not once but fucking twice, and three times if you count c!Bad giving enderwalk c!ranboo the prison blue prints? And lastly, c!Skeppy, who wasn't a part of the official eggpire but may as well be the reason it formed considering c!Bad's motivation. But i'm not focusing on that, i'm focusing on the last egg lore stream, where it's revealed c!Skeppy made a deal after waking up from his death unegged and killing c!Bad to uninfect him, and then presumably coordinate everything from the red herring evidence being planted to pushing c!Puffy down the hole. And I think he was reinfected somewhere along the way? Anyways by that point I don't really think anyone cares about how in control you were of yourself or why you listened to the giant murder egg, you done fucked up and started the apocalypse.

[princesssarisa]

Character ask: Esmeralda (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

This answer is for the Disney version, not for the original novel character, whom I'm not really familiar with.

Favorite thing about them: She's one of my favorite Disney heroines. She's tough, witty, and smart, yet kind, selfless, and idealistic, she's lively and full of fire, yet dignified too, she knows when to be fierce, when to be gentle, and when to be funny, and she's a brave, outspoken champion of the underdog.

I also like that she's sensual and sexy yet never slut-shamed by the narrative, just by the villainous Frollo (though I'll admit that portraying a Romani woman that way does have unfortunate implications; see below), and that she's allowed to not return Quasimodo's romantic feelings without being portrayed as clueless or ungrateful to him.

Least favorite thing about them: That in some ways she's a stereotype of a Romani woman. I wish that the filmmakers had taken more pains to portray the culture accurately, and not sexualized Esmeralda quite so much.

Though I appreciate that in-universe, "sexy Romani dancer" is a role she plays because it earns money (she tells Quasimodo that she wouldn't be a street dancer if she had his talent as a woodcarver). And I'm glad that at least she is a sympathetic, heroic Romani character, unlike in the original novel where she's a white girl who was kidnapped by the Romani as a baby. (Ugh!)

Three things I have in common with them:

*I have dark hair.

*I care very much about social justice and standing up for outcasts.

*I like to wear purple.

Three things I don't have in common with them:

*I'm not stunningly beautiful and desired by multiple men.

*I doubt I could survive on the streets or as a fugitive from the law.

*I'm not Romani.

Favorite line:

During her duel with Phoebus in the cathedral, when he compliments her for fighting "almost as well as a man":

"Funny, I was going to say the same thing about you!"

And the opening lines of "God Help the Outcasts," sung to a statue of Mary and baby Jesus:

"I don't know if you can hear me,

Or if you're even there.

I don't know if you would listen

To a g***y's prayer.

Yes, I know I'm just an outcast,

I shouldn't speak to you.

Still, I see your face and wonder,

Were you once an outcast too?

brOTP: Quasimodo, Clopin, her goat Djali.

In crossover fics, I also enjoy seeing her interact with other heroines from '90s animated film, especially Belle, Megara, and Anastasia. They all have a lot in common, but striking differences too that could make them interesting foils for each other.

OTP: Phoebus.

nOTP: Frollo.

Random headcanon: Her parents were killed when she was very young, and Clopin has effectively been her father figure ever since.

Unpopular opinion: I don't think her lack of romantic interest in Quasimodo is because he idolizes her too much. She just doesn't have romantic feelings for him, and it's nobody's fault. She loves him as a friend, but Phoebus – whose maturity, humor, rugged edge, and fighting spirit more closely match her own – is the type of man she wants as a romantic partner. I agree that she and Quasi wouldn't have been right for each other even if she had been interested, in part because he idolizes her too much, but also because she pities him too much. (Why does the fandom criticize him for calling her an "angel" but not her for calling him "this poor creature"?) But I don't think that's the reason why she chooses Phoebus instead.

Also, contrary to what Disney Wiki says, I don't think she and Phoebus are about to kiss in the cathedral when Frollo bursts in to have her arrested. Staring into each other's eyes and feeling drawn to each other doesn't always mean "about to kiss." I think it's important that her feelings for Phoebus don't fully cross from wary attraction into love until he proves that he's a true ally, by (a) saving her with the lie to Frollo that she claimed sanctuary, and (b) rescuing the miller's family at the cost of his career and potentially his life.

Song I associate with them:

"God Help the Outcasts"

"Someday" (this is my favorite cover version of it, sung by the late Broadway star Laurie Beechman)

Favorite picture of them: