#using tumblr tags as my personal diary at this point . man

[art-o-gant]

my fucking les mis brainrot is back can you believe it.

marius jumpscare under the cut

marius be upon ye

[oskea93]

Keep it to Yourself (1)

✶ Douglas Booth!Nikki Sixx x OC ✶

Warning: This story will contain scenes of drug/alcohol use, sexual content, mentions of death, overdose, physical and emotional abuse. Please read at your own risk. I do not own rights to Motley Crue or any other famous person mentioned. Portions of this story will be pulled from Motley's book and film The Dirt as well as The Heroin Diaries. There will be parts that are complete fiction as well.

Taglist: @fancywasmyname1, @kaitieskidmore1, @xxisxxisxxis, @sparxx27,  @cruecifymesixx, @tempt-ress, @a-sia-san, @x-xinenas, @casualcomputerarbiter-blog​, @makaelahdelvalle

Author's note: Hello everybody! It's been a while since I thought about this story but now I want to bring it back to life. I think I rewatched The Dirt about 20 times in the past couple of days (Thanks snowstorm!) and i've been thinking about this story and all the other amazing Crue stories that are on Tumblr. So, with that being said - I have decided to rewrite Keep it to Yourself. I went back and read the original version and I want to revamp it in a way. I've changed a couple things and I hope to make it better than before. If you were tagged in the original version, I went ahead and just tagged you for this new update. If you would like to be removed, just let me know and I will take you off. If you aren't a part of the taglist and would like to be, just let me know and I will get you added. I hope you enjoy the new and improved Keep it to Yourself!

“Bryant –“ He paused. “I know I’m probably the last voice you wanna hear on your answering machine, but I desperately need your help right now.” A breathy sigh blew through the speaker. “I’m at my wits end and I have no idea what to do with him.”

I stared at the device – my hand curled against my mouth as his words flowed through my living room. “The drugs are constant – he’s high 24/7 – Half the time I don’t even know if he’s alive or dead when I get into his room. It’s not just him – they’re all fucked – but he’s the only one with one foot in the casket.”

How he got my number remained a mystery. They made him millions of dollars – more money than the man could even count – yet he was calling me about his issue. From the beginning, I told him that it would only get worse. The guy had issues way before he formed Motley – way before the money and fame came into the picture. Sure - he dabbled in drugs before hitting peak stardom, but the money was there, and he was a kid in a candy store.

“I know the two of you ended on such a sour note, but I feel like you’re the only one that can truly help him get out of this fucking mess. He needs you – I – we all need you, Bryant.” He went on to leave the number to the hotel they were staying at for the night. Begging one last time for my help. I must’ve played the damn message 10 times – each time making my anger rise. Doc was the one who let it get to this point – he fueled the fire when it should’ve been sprayed out years ago. He pushed the drugs in their direction – Nikki was always a step ahead though. He attracted the slime that had the harder, faster drugs. The drugs that would make him feel nothing when in reality his whole fucking world was crumbling down…

I continued to move the spoon around the cup, the sugar long dissolved by now. I was so lost in my own thought – Doc’s words swirling around in my brain.

“You’re thinking about going, aren’t you?” The brunette in front of me asked. “I know that look and that look tells me that you’re giving in.”

Hannah Hastings was the first person I met when I moved to South Carolina. She was an event planner – a free spirit in a Dynasty like world. She would spend hours on my couch, a bottle of wine being shared, as I spilled my entire life story into her lap. She knew all about my history with Nikki – how we met – our marriage – and the demise of our relationship.

I let out a sigh, “I don’t wanna go but something’s telling me that if I don’t –“ I paused. “If I don’t go, he’s gonna end up dead and then I’ll be blaming myself. At least if I go and say I tried and I don’t succeed, I won’t beat myself up if something does happen to him. Like – It’s not even a matter of if – it’s a matter of when.”  

“He was such an asshole though, Bryant. The man was toxic to you-“She reached across the table taking my hand in hers. “I don’t want to see you get hurt or worse. You know how drug addicts are – he could get violent and not even realize it until it’s too late.”

During the three years we were together, he never laid a hand on me. I was the one who had the heavy touch. Sure, we had awful arguments that pushed me to the point of slapping and pushing him away, but he always stormed off before touching me. The drugs at the time weren’t as hardcore as they are now though. I could walk in his house and come back out with a bullet hole this time. Hannah was right – drugs fucked with people’s brain – I’m sure Nikki was already there.

“Are you gonna tell Wyatt?”

I slumped back in my seat at the thought of telling my Uncle Wyatt. To say he hated Nikki would be an understatement. He warned me from the beginning that Nikki Sixx would be nothing but trouble, but I didn’t listen. He was used to guys like Nikki – being a kid from the wrong side of the tracks himself. He made a promise that he would do everything he could to protect me from men like Nikki. We only had each other and when Nikki came into the picture, the worst type of thoughts ran through his head. He knew what guys like Nikki did to girls like me – innocent until proven insane. It happened to my mother – her infatuation sending her straight to the grave.

“I figured I would just call him when I got to California-“Her eyes growing large. “You know so he can’t talk me out of it or worse come and get me.”

She shook her head in disbelief, “You know I love you and I’ll support you in any way –“I felt a “but” coming along. “But –“She smiled. “This is one decision I’m very wary about, Bryant.”

I felt the same way. I had multiple scenarios playing like film reels over and over in my head. Some pretty good while others resembled horror movies. Even I knew that Nikki’s reaction to seeing me would not be a good one. He broke my heart, and I broke his even worse. Besides the band, I was his only true constant. He barely had any family – his grandparents living states away – not even aware of their grandson’s antics. Sure, the art of touring and going to different states brought about groupies and so-called friends but he didn’t have anyone to call or return home to. I was that person for him.

“You and me both, sister…”

I waited for the line to connect – the operator being nice enough to connect me straight to his room. Doc and I didn’t really have a relationship. He was Motley’s manager and at the time I was just a wife. I was glad the guys had him at first – their success was growing like a wildfire but that was because of their drive for stardom – Doc was just there lending a helping hand. He was extremely pissed when I ended things with Nikki. His own mouth spewing curse words my way once Nikki was served with divorce papers.

It makes the band look bad when a member gets divorced.

Nikki refuses to get out of bed and it’s all your fucking fault.

Girls all over the world would stay with Nikki no matter what – cheating, drugs – Learn to turn a blind eye.

“Hello?” I sat straighter as Doc’s voice sounded – my thoughts suddenly escaping me. “Hello?”

“It’s me.” My voice cracking. “I – uh – I got your message.”

“Oh, thank God, Bryant.” He sounded relieved. “I was worried that I would miss your call –“He paused. “Or if you would even call at all.”

I stayed silent – not really up for conversation.

“Listen, I know this is a bit of a tall ask, but I really do need your help. Nikki – hell all the guys for that matter – are ticking fucking time bombs. Nikki’s clock is etching closer to midnight ever second the fucker breaths – and I pray every night that he’s still doing so. He’s high ever second of every day. He shoots up when he wakes and right before he passes out for the night. I have no idea what he’s even taking anymore. Shooting up, snorting, smoking – he’s the walking picture of Nancy Reagan’s campaign.”

My grip on the phone tightened as he spoke – realizing that he was more far gone than thought.

“I need you to come out here and help us deal with him. I think Doug and Fred can deal with the other three, but we can’t get through to Nikki. Fuck, it’s not even Nikki anymore that we’re dealing with. He’s so mean and terrible to be around. His moods go from zero to sixty – it’s even worse when he’s coming down. Poor Tommy’s getting married, and I can’t even imagine Nikki standing up there with him when he’s high off his ass. You’re the only one that I think can get through to him – he still loves you, Bryant.”

He still loves you, Bryant.

Maybe the old version of Nikki was still in love, but I can assure you the drugged-up version was only in love with his high. That was Doc’s way of trying to lure me in – telling me that Nikki still loved and cared about me. I still loved and cared for the guy too – the Nikki I met at a 7-Eleven almost 6 years ago. Pre-Motley Crue – before the fame, drugs, egos, and women.

“I’ll pay for your ticket out here and everything if you agree, Bryant.” He stressed. “I’m desperate – he’s gonna die if we don’t do something.”

I let out a sigh, closing my eyes, asking myself if I really wanted to do this. It was a constant battle with my head and my heart. My brain was yelling at me to tell Doc to fuck off, but my heart couldn’t deal with the thought of Nikki no longer being here. “You think seeing me will snap him out of this spiral?”

“I think seeing you will probably piss him off more but at least I know you’ll be there and have the chance to stop him.”

My brows furrowed at his comment, “You’re making it sound like I’m gonna be with him at all times?”

His silence confirming my question. “You can’t expect me to stay in the same house, hotel room, or wherever with Nikki –“

“That’s exactly what you’re going to do, Bryant.” He cut me off. “I need that man to have constant surveillance – can’t put a bodyguard in there with him. He needs to have someone that he’s familiar with – someone that’s gonna remain sober and not give into his advances.”

“Then why don’t you stay with him then?” My attitude starting to come out.

“I’d end up killing him and then all of this would be for nothing.”

I shook my head as I pulled the phone away from my ear. I could hear Doc’s voice as he continued to talk. “Listen-“ I spoke up, cutting his sentence off. “I will come out there but I’m only there for a week. Once that week is up, whether he’s getting help or not, I’m going back home.”

“That’s not gonna work, Bryant.” He huffed. “He gets more fucked up when he’s out on the road than he does at home. These fuckers waiting in back alleys and backstage – knowing that he’s looking to score – that’s where I need you the most.

I’d been on tour with Motley when they were first getting their feet wet. I watched as they performed their first gig at the Starwood and then when they were opening for bigger acts like Ozzy. Going on tour with four men – the four Motley men was not for the faint of heart. I saw more body parts than I cared to see. Drugs, alcohol, and women were being pushed in their direction – more so as their popularity grew than before. Nikki and I shared a bunk and even that got old after a while. Living with four men for months on end would cause any woman to eventually lose it. Nikki and I were constantly fighting. Hell, I was fighting with everyone, even Mick at times. This was their dream, and it was my absolute living hell.

“I don’t th-“

“What do I need to do so you will say yes? Walk on water – swallow arsenic? Please, Bryant. I have never been so desperate in all of my life.” His voice wavering. “You were in love with this man at one point – I believe you may still love him. Just remember the reason why you fell in love with Nikki and do it for that reason."

[jheselbraum]

They lierally weren't in a relationship. It's implied by the ganon awakening memory and her own diary and other dislogue she never actually proposed by chickened out. Why would she gasp seeing Link staring at Zelda if he was actually engaged to mipha? Media literacy dead

I just want to say congratulations to the Gravity Falls fandom. After nearly twelve years on tumblr and a truly staggering amount of blocked fans and admittedly incendiary posts on my part not a single one of you verifiably went on anon to get around a block and into my ask box. Not even that time I opened up about my personal family issues and got attacked for it by dozens of people. Everyone who got blocked stayed blocked. In fact, no one from any of the circles I post in has ever done this, hence why I'm even dignifying this ask from a pathetic individual who ships like they're an adult Harry Potter fan with a response: to commemorate the occasion.

In this time of mass exodus due to racism and transphobia from staff as well as our user data being sold to an ai model which will immediately die the moment it tries to train itself with it, it's wonderful to know that there are still parts of the true tumblr experience that I too can take part in, and that despite tumblr's waning growth and popularity, despite my own waning time on this site, when I do eventually log off for the final time I'll be able to rest easy, knowing that I truly was a part of this community... And knowing that the part of the community I primarily interacted with during the bulk of my time here, despite a brief period filled with completely untagged old man incest porn in the main character tags, never pulled this shit, and never got to the point where every third post in a given ship tag was a complaint, about random bullshit that doesn't matter and isn't actually something anyone was mad at in the first place.

Truly it would cheapen the experience, to complain about a bunch of unrelated topics, characters, and ships you don't like, in the tags of a ship that you do actually like, to the point where someone going into that tag looking for shipping content of the ship they like has to deal with a bunch of annoying crap that isn't shipping content and is rude to other people for no fucking reason.

The humble vagueblog has existed as a vital part of your fandom's existence since the beginning, dear Gravity Falls fandom, and you have used and honed the practice well. Your tags have not been infested with pages of unrelated crap from a new set of people very week who think the rest of us enjoy them spamtagging their complaints, and our tags have not been infected with people who don't like what's being posted in that tag posting in the tag anyways about how much they dislike the content of the tag they're posting in. All the porn is now tagged properly and no one is freaking out about people who don't ship their ship, not even when that ship consists of two characters who are at the same developmental stage for their respective species, and are not related to each other. As the fandom of a children's show from 2010s era tumblr you have truly exceeded all expectations. Gaze upon this ask, on this shadow of a shark beneath our little rowboat and know that I thank you, and that if and when I do eventually leave this site I will leave satisfied. Know that if there ever comes a time where I begin posting zelink content full time, I will be in hell trying to block annoying assholes all over again, because every third post in the zelink tag is made by someone like this who clearly has nothing better to do with their time than complain about a naked fish lady who is dead and does not interfere with the ships they actually like because she's not real and you don't have to include her in your fic or engage with the people who like her if you don't want to.

Because obviously the zelink ship tag is the only place one can complain about a fictional teenage dolphin with boobs being in a relationship with a fictional teenage human, and obviously a fictional dolphin with boobs is the biggest problem this fandom has so someone has to say something, it'd be rude not to tag this Voltron fandom level bullshit as zelink.

[kaikama]

Today is a confusing day for my gender. I want to (genuinely) thank some people on Tumblr for that, but I don't know how. I know many people consider their blogs as being a sort of public diary, but I've never used mine like that before. I reblog art and memes, and sometimes ramble in the tags, but almost never make posts of my own, and certainly don't talk about anything important when I do.

However sometimes the best way to get ahold of something slippery that's swimming around in your head is to first get it out of your head. I may not even post this, though contrary to how I present myself on this blog, I do very much love talking about myself (especially when I can indulge my inner 12yo-fanfic-author and be a bit dramatic and poetic about it) so we'll see.

However, to the anxiety of making a long, eventually emotional post I will cede the small victory of a readmore:

I guess the place to begin is with the lovely @dduane. In particular with the recent post she reblogged talking about @redgoldsparks's book Gender Queer. I was reading through the comic therein when I remembered that I actually had the book e was talking about sitting on my "to-read" shelf... okay, one of my "to-read" shelves. No avid reader with disposable income should be surprised I have so many such books, nor that any book could get lost in such a pile, no matter how... personally relevant it is.

I picked it up one day, not at my usual book store, but actually at a local comic book/board game store. It caught my eye of course by presenting the words "GENDER QUEER" in big, bold letters, and and further enticed me when I flipped through it briefly and saw it didn't censor itself unnecessarily. In a graphic novel that's largely about gender, it was relieving, for example, to see bodies being addressed without fear that showing them was too obscene.

So I bought it but, as I mentioned, it sat on my shelf for at least months, probably a year or more, if the time dilation typical of the pandemic period can be assumed.

Then today, after seeing that post, I decided to finally take it out. It only took a short while to read, maybe an hour or so. Unless you include the time it will spend lingering in my mind, in which case I may never finish reading it.

I related to it in many ways. In ways that were the same, but upsidedown – since I was amab, but could still feel a connection to the ideas within. Technically a different wavelength, but... a harmonic of the original. But one point in particular is the whole reason for this post. Page 189.

If you don't have the book, well firstly I highly recommend you go get it now and simply read through it to see the page in question. But in case you can't, I'll describe it here:

In panel 1, the author laments about wanting to switch pronouns, but that "they/them" doesn't feel quite right. In panel 2, e asks eir conversational partner what e uses. In panel 3, as you have probably guessed, e tells the author that e uses "e/em/eir" and, important to my story, uses them in a sentence: "Ask em what e wants in eir tea." In panel 4, e reacts with a huge smile and starry eyes.

Here is where I'll pause and mention that reading that passage gave me a shiver down my spine. I love seeing people explore their identities – or in this case, eir identity – and that especially goes for things I could never wrap my head around, such as neopronouns. As much as I respect them, I never could understand. To me, gender has usually been a nuisance. Something that I have to perform. If I don't, people will assume some performance anyways, one which is usually wrong. I wish I could just work backstage. Or maybe it's more like I wish everyone had a program guide, so instead of having to constantly tell people I'm not a man, they can just see the description in the guide for themselves. I'm just so tired of it. So tired.

But! That's why I get shivers like this, since it warms my heart to see people like me, also pushing through. E shouldn't have to struggle to be known. E does. But that strength inspires my own, which I hope inspires others, in a cycle of propping eachother up!

Then in panel 5 e says "I love those pronouns! I just got the biggest tingle down my spine."

And I recall my spine tingle.

And I'm really confused.

Do I want those pronouns? I've been using "they/them" for a while now, and I've known about (and had friends who use) "e/em/eir" for some time now. Surely I would've realized they fit me sooner than this, right?

Then again, I think, I have been kinda growing dissatisfied with "they/them" for a bit now. But I always just felt tired of gender as a whole. I don't want pronouns that even fewer people will understand, I said. At least with "they/them" I can point at the neutral usage everyone uses them for. Anything more obscure would just be all the more effort. All the more tiring.

...but does that make it untrue? Or simply unfair? Everything to do with being queer is unfair, sorta' by definition. If I wanted it to be easy, I could stick to "he/him", but that would only really be "easy" for other people, I realized. Neither "he/him" nor "they/them" are easy for me. Neither "male" nor "female" nor "non-binary" are easy for me. Neither the old gender binary nor the new gender trinary are easy for me. I'm just so tired.

I wish I had an answer to finish with. Not for your sake, but for mine. I have a sort of modus operandi I like to use: "prepare for the worst, but hope for the best, and expect something in-between." It's a bit of a compromise between the phrase"high hopes, low expectations" and my optimism. Well, I forgot to do that here. I had hoped that I would've found my answer by the end of this post, but I forgot to "prepare for the worst," and as such had no middle ground to set my expectations.

Maybe the answer is to stop caring so much? But that seems like it would be a disservice to myself and my wants and needs. Also it seems impossible. Or at least like clinical depression, which shouldn't be anyone's goal.

Maybe I should try using different pronouns? None of my friend would care. But they would make mistakes. It's extremely rare for one of my friends to slip up now, but it does still happen. And using something new would give me those small rock-in-the-shoe, scratchy-shirt-tag irritations that @redgoldsparks mentioned in eir book all over again.

...or maybe "they/them" is dorta' doing that now, and I've just gotten used to it? I remember when I switched I hadn't realized that "he/him" wasn't great until then. Not because I felt bad hearing it, but because I suddenly felt good hearing "they/them." I still think I don't feel especially disphoric over "he/him," but now that I know the euphoria I could have, it feels worse in comparison. Maybe the same would happen if I switched again?

My how many thoughts I have about this. I want an answer. There is no simple answer. Life is work. I love life. I hate work. I'm so tired. But it's worth it.

I think that's most of my metaphorical brain-fish on the topic disgorged for now. If you listened, thanks for listening. If you're confused, imagine how I feel. And if you think you felt like you resonate at some harmonic of this, please go read @redgoldsparks's book Gender Queer. It probably won't have clear answers, and the feelings it evokes probably won't be exclusively positive ones, but if you've read this far into my ramblings, then I can promise you it will be a valuable read.

Thanks for your time! -Kai

[jimmybuffettdied]

I posted 1,865 times in 2022

That's 1,825 more posts than 2021!

14 posts created (1%)

1,851 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@shakuras3nder

@spongebobssquarepants

@x-heesy

@the-stray-liger

@glyphsmash

I tagged 9 of my posts in 2022

#tumblr milestone - 3 posts

#250 posts - 1 post

#1000 posts - 1 post

#taylor swift - 1 post

#from the diary of daenerys - 1 post

#i hate politicians - 1 post

#i dont hate biden - 1 post

#ghost tongue - 1 post

#mario - 1 post

#boo - 1 post

Longest Tag: 26 characters

#from the diary of daenerys

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I saw a post about MCR. It was a video of all the posts asking for a cheerleader outfit and then at the end, the reveal that it finally happened. I believe it was set to some kind of classical music. Did I dream this post? Have you seen it? Can you help me???

0 notes - Posted August 25, 2022

#4

250 posts!

0 notes - Posted July 14, 2022

#3

Poor Waffles.

1 note - Posted October 8, 2022

#2

why is your url jimmybuffettdied

I don't know that there is a good answer to this question. Okay. Story time. When I was a younger person, MIRC was an active chat program where you could change your username any time you signed on. So, I went through many different "screen names." In the good old days, trolling didn't even have the name "trolling" yet, or I wasn't aware of it, anyway. So, I was a teenage troll. At some point I decided it would be funny to start a rumor that a celebrity had died (maturity has never been my strong suit.) The internet was young, okay? Anywho, I went through a few names, for example, FrankSinatraDied and JohnnyCashDied (they were alive at the time). However, they were much too popular and were instantly disputed by fellow chatters as viable options. So, I went with JimmyBuffettDied and excepting for "Parrotheads," people either didn't know who he was or at least questioned the possibility that maybe he did die (he is still very much alive btw). This became my main screen name. However, the unforeseen side effect of using that name was that people began to know me as "Jimmy" (not my real name.) It became my online presence and even now there are people I have met in real life who KNOW my real name, as well as just online friends that call me Jimmy. So, it stuck. It followed me to other social media. It is my "stage name." It is me. I am JimmyBuffettDied and to be honest, I hope the man lives forever. I hope this is an acceptable answer. Might delete later. Ha.

3 notes - Posted October 8, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Hey, you guys remember AIM buddy icons?

6 notes - Posted August 13, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[nachoscheesy]

Tumblr Revival

Tl;dr

Tumblr has a large interconnected community of artists and content creators, and should focus on its strengths and what it does right. Instead of trying to compete for space against Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Tumblr should focus on empowering its community and giving that community the tools to develop the site's unparalleled uniqueness.

Tumblr is the crossroads of the internet, with a monthly user traffic of 300 million it is the perfect space for artists, content creators, and small businesses to grow their following without having to fight for a seat at the table against companies with huge budgets.

Hi, I go by Nacho here on tumblr, and I'm sure as many of us on tumblr have noticed, the (hell)site is kinda going downhill. Tumblr was bought by Automattic in fall of 2019, and I am sure they have the best intentions to help tumblr stay afloat. However, I think it's time the community took a more deliberate approach to how tumblr is handled, and hopefully Automattic and @staff will hear us out. I think I have a solid solution to tumblrs money issues, that will help both the site and empower its online communities.

First and foremost, I am not involved with Tumblr or Automattic. I am just a simple blog trying to help out a place that I've been on since 2010, and I would hate to see it die here around 2023.

So, let's get to the root of the problem on tumblr right now. That being money, tumblr is currently costing more money that it produces, as we've seen with its 97% drop in value from 1.1 billion dollar sale to being sold at around 3 million dollars.

So the first thing that must be improved before anything else can be improved on tumblr is how much money they're bringing in a month. I don't think folks on tumblr hate monetization as much as we all collectively say we do, I think the issue is that most advertisers are completely disconnected from the groups they are trying to advertise to on here. Tumblr comprises roughly 65% millennials and 30% gen-z, the two generations that advertisers seem to have the hardest time advertising to for a myriad of reasons. The main one being that they don't fully understand what we want, and sometimes just don't listen to what we are saying.

Lets look at how tumblr makes its money, Tumblr has four main revenue sources,

Ads by sponsored posts

Display ads through video posts

Sponsored Day ads or banner ads

“Premium Themes”

I'll go into depth on all of these and how tumblr could make potential changes to improve their revenue anywhere from three to six months after it implements some or ideally all of these changes.

First tumblr ads and sponsored posts, these changes are going to be contingent on tumblr allowing its users to share, like, and comment on ads much like all other media sites currently allow. Or at least giving advertisers the ability to turn that on or off as a function.

The average tumblr post gets reblogged 14 times, that number increases significantly if the ad is engaging and actually caters to the communities wants and needs. My reasoning for giving users the ability to reblog ads is to increase user engagement while maintaining their current ad vetting process and all of the nonsensical ads that are run on tumblr 90% of the time.

The other reason for allowing tumblr users to share and comment on ads, or have it be an option for advertisers to turn on or off as they'd like, is that the appeal of tumblr is the ability to propagate and obsess over the most niche things (i.e OSHA.)

All the while allowing content that gets shared all over the internet bubble up to the top through the collective hand of the tumblr community. Along with this tumblr has no way for small users to share their own products or services, every single major site has a way for users to advertise their pages or products through the site.

Tumblr is a content machine that creates imagery and memes that get shared all the time across the internet, so the ability to share and curate its own ads is paramount to improving advertising and user engagement on tumblr.

My proposal here is for tumblr to expand its advertising capabilities to all users, while charging a flat rate fee to advertise on tumblr, with additional charges for popular tags or trending tags. Tumblr currently has no self service advertising system much like Facebook does for example. Where facebook charges a daily rate on cost-per-click(CPC) or cost-per-thousand(CPM)

Charging a flat rate fee at a rate of a day, week, month, or quarterly basis with variances in prices based on the lease term and what the advertisers would want to have their ads show up on certain tags. This would open up the doors for small businesses that don't want to advertise on places like facebook, twitter, or google with their complicated CPM and CPC models. Also bringing in more small locally owned businesses with the added value of less competition for ad space on tumblr.

This would also take some of the weight from tumblrs own advertising staff from having to explain a convoluted system to potential advertisers. Creating a simplified model with the the advent of tumblrs own infrastructure able to get a single post to a large variety of users. Where the current ad model uses a “shotgun” method to hit as many people as possible, the tumblr model could encourage advertisers to curate a more personalized and intimate experience that tumblr users would love.

Why not just advertise elsewhere? Tumblr still in fact gets over 300 million views a month as of June 2021 (Statosta), and the added benefit for users to be able to like, share, and interact with ads would allow ads that the community enjoys to be talked about more. Giving advertisers more honest feedback about their ads while increasing their SEO’s.

Also small businesses that can't compete with the vetting processes that are used on other sites, would have a better chance of developing their business and increasing their clientele on tumblr whose core demographics are approximately 60% millennial and 35% gen-z. This core demographic does in fact care about being able to shop at local stores, or even a store across the US that is trying to drum up its own online sales.

These ads could be placed inline on the tumblr dash while moving other sponsored ads to the right of the site on desktop, but making them alternate on mobile between user ads and sponsored ads.

Second, the display ads should be changed to allow tumblr users to share and further interact with ads to generate more user engagement, incentivizing more businesses and companies to build their brand status on tumblr. Tumblr has a good model for creating short diaries or daily vlogs for companies that wish to show off their products on social media. This includes smaller businesses and vlogers that want to post videos or tutorials of themselves on their blog.

Tumblr is a good site for user engagement with a pool of creative potential for anyone wanting to gauge the desire for a particular subject or piece of media, maybe even an upcoming show. Having the ability to share and comment on sponsored ads would also help advertisers by allowing them to get more bang for their buck with a considerable uptick on how users engage with that content.

Third, tumblrs sponsor day ads and banner ads are inexpensive and should be highlighted as a selling point over their competitors. Tumblr 24-hour banner ads are considerably more affordable for businesses when compared to places like twitter with their 200k price point. For the same amount of money on tumblr a business could have their company at the top of the dashboard or app for 8 whole days. Much longer and much better than the competition.

Keeping this price fixed, with a change in the price CPC is still a much more lucrative and attractive selling point than any of the competition on the internet today. I know this might not be exactly what tumblr wants to hear when it is hemorrhaging money right now, but let's look at the cost for these 24 hour daily ads and banner ads. If tumblr hypes up the price point on these ads they could see a significant rise in advertisers considering the lack of competition on tumblr and past success stories of companies who did advertise on tumblr.

At the same time larger advertisers should be encouraged to make engaging ads and blogs on tumblr that will make people want to actually go to their blogs, that then link to an external site or page. Not ads that instantly try to force you to go to some other site, by rewarding or offering special discounts for people who find a special code or something off of the actual blog. Or even for giving the same code to everyone who reblogs a certain post made by the advertiser.

Seems too good to be true? Look at “Asos” back in 2015 when they held a shirt design competition on their tumblr blog. Where they had 900 submissions, four of which were picked, and were sold out of the user generated shirts in 10 hours.

This is not the only case however, but FX ran their own campaign for the show “Man Seeking Woman” where they saw a 2.8% increase in user engagement, 86% increase in their tumblr followers, and they actually saved money through advertising on tumblr.

All this leads me to believe that tumblr actually was and continues to be the best place for brands, small businesses, and artists to develop themselves through genuine user engagement.

Finally, the “premium themes” that are available on tumblr that allow for unparalleled customizations that you hardly find elsewhere on the internet anymore. Tumblrs ability to take a variety of media sources, as well as having an unparalleled level of customization, user interconnectivity, and a vibrant artistic scene shows that it is ripe with potential.

Tumblr could still use its post+ feature, but in the same way that Discord uses its subscription service. For cosmetic changes that can be added modularly to the site or individual blogs for an additional monthly fee. In conjunction with partnering with community artists to bring small cosmetic additions to individual blogs, while paying the content creator and tumblr taking a small portion of the profits over a certain amount.

To be completely honest this is probably the hardest portion of this entire pitch to make changes to in a shorter period of time, considering all the testing and “under the hood” changes that must be made. However, I think that implementing this as well as the other changes I have proposed will bring back more foot traffic to tumblr as well as increase its revenue and profitability.

In closing, I am simply working with whatever information I was able to find online and a good amount of time invested on my part to do this. I think tumblr has a ton of potential still to return as a force for good for the communities that exist and want a change from what the internet has become. Time and time again when any company or public entity dies it was because it did not change and refused to adapt and innovate, oftentimes not at the hands of the people working everyday to keep the site running. Instead at the hands of people who dont see the value in what has fallen in their laps.

If you agree and think this is something that can be done, please reblog this post and follow me for more updates. If I don't hear back or this does not gain any traction by the end of the year, then tumblr can go to its inevitable end. I will be here sinking with the ship.

@support @engineering @music @wip @changes @photomatt

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

Theres suddenly a lot of napoleon hate in the tag and idk what to do.. I’m interested in him and all but he did a lot of rly bad shit. I don want to pester you but do you know a way i can like.. come to terms woth those thoughts because its unhealthy to just rip from a hyperfixation

ah yeah that comes and goes. I don’t track, or go into, the Napoleon tags for that reason. 

I’ve addressed this before to another anon a year or so ago, maybe more, but at the end of the day you have to understand that Napoleon was human. He did bad things, he did good things. He could be a dick, he could be warm and generous. Because he is a multi-facsted human being living, and ruling, in a complex time. (All times are complex, but you know what I mean.) (Also, there are times when you can’t really apply modern expectations of behavior or morality to the past. Or, I mean, you can. But it won’t get you very far. I think tumblr struggles with this, sometimes.)

I don’t have an answer for how you should reconcile the contradictory life he lead. That is up to you to figure out. Sometimes you just have to sit with, and acknowledge, the bad. Because it isn’t going away. 

But also don’t become all consumed on one side (he’s the anti-christ/evil/the worst thing ever) or the other (saint who can do no wrong). Finding a balanced, nuanced understanding of him is key. 

And to that end, I recommend getting off Tumblr. Tumblr does not like nuance or context. It does not like understanding the world people are born into, the events that impacted their lives, the fact that they are human and so have deep flaws - as we all do. 

What I do recommend? Reading lots. Avoid Alan Schom and Phillip Dwyer (my two nemesis, though they are unaware of this). I only point you to biographies as a means to provide you with an overview of his life. But all biographers are flawed, all have their biases. And biography as a historical format is ... well I’ve strong views on it. But if you’re keying in on one person for fixation reasons, it’s a good starting point. Zamoyski’s alright. I have some critiques of his work but he’s as fine as any for a starting point. Steven Englund’s Napoleon: A Political Life is probably the best I’ve read. 

But once you’re done with that, read what original documents you can (memoirs, diaries, letters, accounts, newspapers), but read them critically. Know that memoirists all had a spin. Letters were written with an understanding that they could be read publicly - if at least to other family members. The concept of privacy was different at that time. 

Also, very importantly, read broadly about the life and times of the late 18th and early 19th centuries. Read about the French Revolution, Napoleon was 20 when it began and it had a profound impact on him. Read about culture and society at the time - in France, in Corsica, Italy, the UK. Read about religion, about science and literature of the late 18th and early 19th century. Napoleon was not a religious man but his Catholic childhood informed, if subconsciously, many of his world views. Especially his understand of a woman’s place in the world. It’s a deeply Mediterranean Catholic understanding. Read about friendship and the homo-social nature of Napoleonic relationships in France (Napoleonic Friendship is great for this). Read about the revival of the classics (which, when covering the French Revolution, should be addressed). 

It’s one of those things, that to come to understand someone. To reconcile their incredible bad with their incredible good, you need to know the world they were operating in. The life they led. The information they had to hand. The relationships that informed and influenced them. 

E.g.: Napoleon and Josephine fought famously over money. Why? Josephine had a compulsive spending habit that I think is a bit of a response to the Revolution and her experiences therein. Napoleon watched his father fritter away what little money the family had gambling, drinking, whoring, ill-thought out business ventures etc. (his mother, according to one apocryphal story, used to send him down to the docks to spy on his father and report back how much he lost). He also went through incredible poverty in his early 20s as the sole bread-winner for his entire family. Des Mazis has some moving memories about this time and how messed up Napoleon was about feeling like he was failing everyone. 

These two people have strong responses to money because of the things they’ve lived through. Entirely understandable responses. But they are responses that are in conflict, so of course they fought over it. 

Context matters. 

Some of the things he did are not going to be comfortable to think about. And that’s ok. That’s part of studying history. Witnessing events and actions that are uncomfortable, that are horrible. But also, as a historian, your role is to understand. By all means look at the decisions he made and say: that was a terrible thing to do. But also look at decisions he made that were good. Like, I don’t know how else to put this than to say: he was complex, he made mistakes, he was cruel in some of his policies, he was also capable of great kindness and generosity and goodness of spirit. He did France great good and he did her great harm. As all rulers do to their countries. 

He did the people he loved great harm and great good. He hurt them and helped them. As we all do to the people in our lives that we care about. 

I wish you the best on this. 

My only truly dear, and earnest advice is: get off Tumblr. Do not take your history from this website. Do your own research. Form your own opinions. 

Thank you for the kind ask!

[thechosenferret]

Of Course It’s Precious Potter - Chapter 3

This chapter is dedicated to @scarheaded-ferret for his birthday! You are such an incredible person, and I hope you enjoy your next year of life! <3

Summary: Draco has been tasked to steal a possession from precious Prince Potter. Little does he know, that's only a small test for what they need done next. Well, that is if Draco can carry it out to the end.

You can also read it on ao3 under the username TheChosenFerret (there’s a link in my bio, I don’t trust tumblr with links in original posts), or through my tag #Of Course it’s Precious Potter

一一一一一一一一

As the day progressed, Harry couldn’t get the nagging thought out of his head that perhaps his mind hadn’t entirely made up the blond stranger. With would be a lovely thought if it meant that he could see him again, but there was still the tiny problem that their first meeting was… technically due to trespassing. 

Harry didn’t give a thought to why exactly he was trespassing until he made his way to his dresser. Every year, Harry sees the same items on that dresser. Every week, Harry cleans those same items on that dresser. Every day, Harry picks up one specific item on that dresser. Today, however, it was gone. Gone except the letter he carefully kept secret underneath it, which could only mean three things. One, someone knew about the letter. Two, someone purposely left the letter. Three, the blond man must of stolen his dad’s trophy. 

Fuck. 

Of course the trespassing man had to commit another crime at the same time. 

Of course the trespassing, stealing man had to purposely not steal what was now the last remaining artifact of his parents. Harry didn’t know whether to count this man as a complete fool, report him immediately to the watchmen, or send him a thank you card. Of course, reporting him to the watchmen would mean giving up the letter for investigation and to “protect the past King and Queen’s treasures,” aka lock them up until they rot away, so that was clearly not an option. All that’s left is that the man is a fool who should be thanked, which could only be done if he made the foolish decision to strike again. 

He could strike again, actually. Seeing as he left behind the letter, someone may of been just as pissed off as Harry was happy. 

In that case, Harry went to collect his parent’s letter like always, but instead of reading it before immediately hiding it again, he brought it over to his desk, where he placed it next to him so he can protect it better, then began to write letter to the blond man. After a few drafts, he finally felt okay enough with it, and went to leave it in the middle of the room upside down with the words “To The Blond” written as big as possible on the back. 

Feeling the day catch up to him at last, Harry collected his parent’s letter and made his way to the bed, where he read through the it from the light of the one candle left still lit in his room. He then carefully placed it on a pillow next to him that he is certain will not be harmed if he were to roll over in the middle of the night before blowing out the flame and finally going to sleep. 

一一一一一一一一

Following the same path that he took last night, Draco scaled up the castle, steadied a rope to a mini cross lined up across the roof, and made his way down the chimney into the now unfortunately too familiar, dusty fireplace. The only thing that was different now was the one piece of trash among the nearly spotless room. Draco ignored the item and surveyed the room, trying to get into the mind of such a Posh Prince to see where he might hide his oh so important diary. 

On the bookcase? Although the room is pristine, the bookcase feels like it hasn’t been touched in ages. In the drawer under his bedside table? Draco carefully made his way closer to the table, and therefore the stupid prince. He looked so… not idiotic while asleep, even slightly peaceful. Draco snapped himself out of his thoughts as he turned his attention back to the table and, subsequently, the drawer that was lacking a diary. 

Draco continued his search by checking the other drawers in the room, where the most interesting thing he saw was a hairbrush, but yet no journal. Not wanting to be out in the open for too long, Draco made his way back to the fireplace, but not before stopping in the middle of the room with that stupid piece of trash. The stupid piece of trash that was addressed to a blond. Merlin, of course Potter had seen him. And to make it worse, he wrote him a letter. Curiously, Draco picked it up and started to read it as he very slowly walked back to the fireplace. Potter wanted to meet up with him. And doesn’t despise him? That idiot. He’d guess the prince was all self-righteous and forgiving, but he never expected to be on the receiving side of it. 

He paced the room without care as he read the letter again and again, only stopping when his brain started to think about how he must of written this tonight, which means that he probably used his desk tonight seeing as the paper didn’t show signs of being written without a solid surface behind it, therefore maybe he regularly uses his desk, so perhaps he has actually used the books stacked on his desk. During all this time of snooping, Draco thought the pile of books was just for decoration to act like he studies. 

Draco put his letter in his pocket and began to sort through the books. Introduction to Finances? Nope. Full History of 1660 to 1666… Aha! An unmarked book with handwritten entries dating back to 10 years ago. And to further prove his point, the handwriting is very close to the one shown on his letter. Bingo! Not wanting to risk Harry seeing him for what now would be the third time, Draco slipped back out with the diary, totally not glancing at Harry one last time before leaving. 

一一一一一一一一

Draco continued his route to the meeting spot by rooftop, not wanting to deal with scaling back down quite yet. As he walked and jumped, all his thoughts kept tracing back to that damn letter. That letter and the diary that featured what he can only guess is all the minor inconveniences for such a rich and loved guy such as Potter. Which means that it really wouldn’t be horrible to read some of it. Plus, he should double check that this contains the prince’s thoughts, and not some rando’s diary the prince somehow has saved. So, Draco was legally obligated to read it. 

Draco made his way over to the meeting spot and found a nice spot on the roof where he can lean against a half wall, but could still perfectly see the sun when it rises. The client can wait a few more hours for me to double check this purchase. Can’t give away faulty merchandize after all.  So he read. And read. And read. 

The journal wasn’t contains of minor inconveniences at all. Actually, they were very major problems. Why hadn’t this idiot told someone about this before? That cupboard. His family. Merlin. Draco couldn’t let this get out to some second hand thief, not that it was any better that he’d done it. There must be some reason he’s been keeping it out of the public’s eye for so long… which means that Draco’s going to have to make sure that this book stays a secret. One stupid letter and all the sudden he’s helping people, all thanks to that idiot Potter. 

Draco hid the journal in his jacket and made his way down the building and to the market. He had to look into a lot of stores to find one that has someone in it, let alone is selling empty journals, but at long last he found it. He got the smallest one (both to help out on cash but also so he can fill it up faster), then bought a quill and ink and made his way back to the roof to start his work. 

He wrote until the sun finally did rise, but he managed to create a diary full of minor inconveniences that seemed close enough to reality to be believable. To finish it off, Draco scrawled the words “Harry James Potter’s Personal Journal” on the front. It pained him to have to try to recreate the messy handwriting of Potters, but he feels like he’d pulled it off with flying colors—maybe his cousin was right about how he should go into forgery. 

Worried about stalling any more, Draco hide the real diary and letter on the roof, and made his way down the building. He threw on his “I just pulled off a successful heist” face just as the same man from the previous night appeared from behind a wall. Silently, he handed over the replicated diary, choosing to not speak even when he guy walked away and said “Well contact your family again soon” for fear of having his voice betray his thoughts, all of which were along the lines of fuck.

一一一一一一一一

Taglist: @devilrising @sweetlialia @ladyseidenlocke 

[brightblessed-aa]

*  GETTING    TO    KNOW    THE    MUN  :

NAME  :  topaz

NICKNAME  : never really had one

FACECLAIM  :     i sometimes use my character violette since idk

PRONOUNS  :  he/him

HEIGHT  :    5′1 .

BIRTHDAY  :  august 15

AESTHETIC  :     for edits, i like glitchy stuff. i also really high contrast videos. like irl, idk man. changes depending on my mood. 

LAST    SONG    YOU    LISTENED    TO  :    ancient dreams in a modern land by marina

FAVOURITE    MUSE(S)    YOU’VE    WRITTEN  :  roi here. my old jack wynand/ryan from bioshock. i like all my muses? roi is probably my favorite. 

*  GETTING    TO    KNOW    THE    ACCOUNT  :

WHAT    INSPIRED    YOU    TO    TAKE    ON    THIS    MUSE  :       i made roi in game as my second character when i was first finishing heavensward on violette. i played him when i felt like playing and not doing story since my brother and i went through story together and we only played when neither of us were working. i wanted roi to be more lore-friendly and be a sort of “not heroic hero”. i was really into steins;gate at the time, and i wanted a character that had impure motives and was sorta tsundere and put on a sort of personality for people vs acting like they really were. but unlike violette, i wanted someone who made themselves seem worse with their act. so while roi is nothing like okabe, he was slightly inspired by him (which is why he’s max height and has yellow eyes lmao). anyway, from the moment i made roi i started writing these dumb ic diary entries from him. my second character on everything is my “rp run” where i try to really get into the character’s head. and from writing those diary entries and learning more about the lore while playing on violette, i sorta pieced him together in terms of backstory and stuff. in terms of tumblr, i decided to make my g’raha account when 5.1 first came out. and i saved the url ‘brightblessed’ for my eventually wol account. i didn’t think anyone would be interested in roi, so when i originally made the blog, it was a multi with him and violette on it. eventually i took her off because i just liked writing roi a lot more. but yeah, while i was writing g’raha i just wanted to have a chance to have my own wol out there. and roi was the one i put the most love into at that point with the ic diaries and everything so it felt right. 

WHAT    ARE    YOUR    FAVOURITE    ASPECTS    OF    YOUR    CURRENT    MUSE:  

his growth, i think. i went from a small concept to a character i am very proud of. he’s my first oc muse to last over like a month. his character arc as i played through the game surprised me because i didn’t plan it i just played the game in his headspace kinda sajssfk. but i love how i can touch on dark topics like loss, pain, self hate, guilt, and fear. but also touch on hope, love, self-acceptance, and vulnerability. 

WHAT’S    YOUR    BIGGEST    INSPIRATION    WHEN    IT    COMES    TO    WRITING:    

music. i make massive playlists for my muses because it helps me get into their head. from songs to bgms, to even just sounds that remind me of them. if i pick up a muse and can’t make a playlist with at least 50 songs, i probably will drop that muse. 

FAVOURITE    TYPES    OF    THREADS  :

i like a variety. but i am very very skilled in angst and i got my start on tumblr in horror communities. so that stuff too. but angst is my go-to because it’s just... easiest for me. 

tagged by:  stole from @noctsight

tagging:  @vierandancer & anyone that sees this and wants to fill it out can @ me. 

[chemicalarospec]

Genuinely Don’t Say Anything Interesting Here But I Like Talking So Thus I’m Posting This

okay I did like nothing productive today but have a ramble on youtube fanbases, specifically the new gen of mcyt. This was two posts and then I made it one so sorry when I repeat myself. I did edit it tho lol. But that means I also inserted more, so this is just all over the place now. 

me from the future: oh god. all over the place. wait wtf this is so long. I don’t even have much to say I just like writing the same sentence three different ways and refusing to cut any of them. I’m sorry; I don’t know how to edit; this is informal AF. (can I use three semicolons? at least one of those is wrong anyways lol.)

edit: I’m so sorry I forgot about having a “read more” last night laksjdflksjad. Also idk if I even agree with myself lmao.

it’s so funny how mcyt is like The Thing now. It’s not cool to like it anymore lol, cuz everybody does. (This is a me thing. I like being special lol. I also self-define “cool” so you should not take it to heart when I say it’s not cool.)

I mean, just thinking about the Dream SMP as something I *do* want to get into, it doesn’t feel like “our thing” -- it’s has the feel of a HUGE fandom. Seriously, I’m in the phandom, which ngl has been dead since 2018, and the fanbase for the SMP has a much different, bigger feel. Idk what i’m getting at, it feels imposing? looking at the Dream SMP fandom seems similar in scope and slightly in atmosphere to pre-2019 phandom, at least to me, and it’s actually making me grateful that I joined now and not all that time ago.

Also I brought up the “our thing” bit because of the mcr post that goes “funny how MCR seems like our little secret and the biggest thing in the world at the same time” and I kinda thought that was just how all fandoms worked? idk I was going to assert that the truth is different but I thought some more and now I’m not sure.

but yeah I like the “our little secret” feel and somehow the phandom has (re)gained that while technoblade (and the new gen of mcyt as a whole) is loosing it.

I mean, I’ve been watching Technoblade since the bedwars winstreak. He had less than a millions subs but most people I brought him up to actually did know who he was. He was big but he wasn’t *famous* -- we all knew about him and we all cared. Like the only person who knew who he was and didn’t care had a little brother(s?) that loved him (wait why is this all in past tense this is all still true). (Yes AFC this has become a callout post for you mocking techno lol.) (If you’re still reading my miNeCRaFT yOuTuBeR fAnBaSe MEta. cringe culture is dead tho; I don’t have to say it like that.) 

Anyways, I didn’t follow Technoblade’s Dream SMP streams and now I feel like I’d just be tagging along if I did get into it. (also didn’t watch SMP Earth lol.) This is because I’m a gate-keeping jerk. Or hate missing out. One of those two things. 

(awkward transition where I don’t know how to make my tangent meaningful and have to make it back to the original train of thought I violently interrupted)

As a long time Techno fan, I’m really proud of the growth he’s experiencing, but a little sad too as the community is being -- well, I don’t want to say “infiltrated,” as I don’t want to shade anyone who was simply late to the party -- perhaps diluted? overwhelmed? yeah, overwhelmed by newer fans, and becoming “unmanageable” in a sense; it feels like we’ve lost a bit of our sense of community with the influx of new fans -- no shade to any new fans! This is just the way fandoms work. When the crowd is larger, it becomes harder recognize each member as a person, even if everything else is the same. (”The death of one man is a tragedy, the death of millions is a statistic.”) (look this is how my brain works deal with it)

I just really like this small community feel, and it’s a bit daunting looking at the smp fandom. 

Also the growth Dream experienced this year is genuinely ludicrous. I mean, the wide appeal of shipping is part of it, not going to beat around that bush, but there’s just so much and I wanna read an essay from a long-time fan who saw it on why he’s got so much growth. 

I really hate to shame fans and stuff, but part of it, at least for me, is that most of these new fans probably aren’t “minecrafters” like we were. I doubt the majority of them grew up on Stampy, DanTDM, and whatever the other ones I didn’t watch were. I mean, some of this is because Child. For them, the distinction is really pre-quarantine post-quarantine i guess? Really, whether they played Minecraft or not. Again, I know it’s bad to shame fans, but apparently I’m just a terrible person and I feel like it’s more shallow or disingenuous to get into MCYT when it’s popular without already being into Minecraft. 

WAIT that’s it -- Minecraft community, as a whole, is special. It’s a LARGE umbrella of fandoms in general, but that’s the thing: they’re all more communities than fandoms -- from the casual builders to the pro parkour players to those who watched the og youtubers to those who followed the Great Potato War, there was Minecraft Culture. 

And the expanded fandom that’s sprung up around the Dream SMP and possibly Dream in general (???) is more of fandom. It feels like a fandom. People treat it like a fandom, they talk about it in fandom spaces, it is fandom, a modern fandom. Not a quaint “little” Minecraft community. 

I’m not going to say it’s because of the shipping, but... I have no data but at least I can say that it certainly creates an appeal for Fandom People as opposed to Minecraft People. And then also it’s just a fandom thing so it makes the space more fandom. 

Also I realized this is all based upon a feeling, so where did the feeling come from? I was reading in-fandom texts a lot today, and I think the storyline actually might have something to do with it. Also maybe the “talking behind their backs”? I can’t be bothered to remember what I’m comparing to what at this point but that’s definitely done in a lot of other spaces I’m in, so idk.

OH FRICK I’ve mostly been *in* the fandom spaces for real things lmao. (Read: I’m 100% making up everything at this point.) 

(awkward transition because I inserted the last two paragraphs later on)

And really, I played minecraft today for the first time in months. But it’s still with me, you know? The memories of being introduced to it, growing up with it. Going to the Nether with my cousins, my uncle’s giant survival mode cathedral. Mojang being bought by Microsoft and everybody hating it. (... me, my brother, my two friends, essentially... how did we even know??)

[I had part about the minecraft.net writers here but it was completely unrelated so it became it’s own post. I should do that more.]

(With every sentence the target audience of this post gets smaller.)

What was I saying? I’ll just wrap up. 

TL;DR: Dream SMP fandom feels like a fandom and not a Minecraft community and while that’s not necessarily a bad thing, I’ve realized I prefer a community feel, which makes me grateful I joined the phandom now. Also I shouldn’t be allowed to post things past 9:00pm. 

Oh my god I’m so sorry to all my mutrals. My tired loquacious reflex has kicked in. This is essentially a dan and phil stan blog, and though I know a few of you know what I’m going on about, I’m so sorry to the rest of you. 

Well, at least *I* think I’m a fascinating person with interesting things to say hahahahha. 

This is like a diary post. Should I post this? Yeah, other people should share my thoughts lol. OH NO: Late-night Tumblr fandom ramble posts are the new social-justice tirade/generally useless blog-like Goodreads reviews. At least it’s what Tumblr’s made for :P. 

[positivelyamazonian]

What do you mean by “more focused on general TRAOD lore than in Kurtis as character which doesn't surprise me anymore given what we know” - what is it given we know?

Hi, you’ve sent this question concerning my tags in the last post about Kurtis’ journal as merchandise from The Dark Angel project - just stating it for the readers that might be confused about what you’re asking about.

When I say “what we know” I refer mostly to all those - rather scarce - TRAOD/TR fans who have bothered to read every detail about TRAOD’s lore, every making off video and documentary concerning this game, every interview and beta/hidden/deleted/unused content related to all this universe - which I did. I also refer to those who have discussed all of it in this Tumblr over the past years - and honestly if you don’t know what I’m talking about it’s because, perhaps, you’re not totally up to date about it.

I would recommend to catch up  - and those are long hours of reading - with all this content so you can have the whole picture of what I’m talking about, but just to reduce it to the point that concerns us now, it’s not surprising Kurtis’ journal was gonna end being just a TRAOD lore concept art compendium than a Kurtis focused item as character because:

1. It was always announced and marketed like that. Murti Schofield has always stated the journal was gonna be a compendium of fresh TRAOD concept art - it’s not old, the old one you can find it in the notes I pledged for in the Kickstarter - more focused on Konstantin Heissturm - Kurtis’ father - character than in Kurtis himself. 

2. Murti also said there’s no content related to the game itself, but a collection of data and lore prior to the events of the game.

3. He also said there was not gonna be big notes or textes or written lore, mostly concept art, maps and short data file about some characters he didn’t have space to develop more in the final version of the game, such as the Cleaner. 

4. Finally, that most of the present lore belonged to Konstantin Heissturm and not Kurtis Trent. The journal belongs to his father in origin and he receives it from him. 

Now with all of this is not surprising the journal has turned out like this, but to be fair I must admit I, myself, was expecting a bit more because, after all, it’s called Kurtis’ journal, not Konstantin’s journal. I wanted it to look more rough, used, and worn out fitting not only Kurtis’ hazardous lifestyle - as it was marketed - but also Konstantin’s himself. But it’s Murti doing it, and Murti Schofield is extremely delicate and polished in his calligraphy and design. So in the end it’s more a Murti’s journal containing lore of the game than some item in-character. For me, it looks like more like an add-on to the old notes I pledged for than a whole new product.

Again, though I’m a bit disappointed - because I wanted to see more of KURTIS himself in here, not Murti/Konstantin - I am not surprised of the result and here’s the point you’re asking about: Murti was never that interested in releasing more lore concerning Kurtis himself. If you’ve paid attention to all of his interviews, statements, and the way he sees the whole TRAOD project itself - I am now talking about the game released in 2003, not the Dark Angel music project - which I did because I’ve been in some contact with him recently and also following his activity due to my backing of the project, Murti wasn’t the only creator of the story, neither he was of the characters, Kurtis included.

In fact, the final version of the story we see in the game has much more to do with Adrian Smith and Richard Morton’s involvement and creative decisions than with Murti as storywriter. Soon you realize he cares much more about Konstantin - a character that barely appears in the game because he’s already deceased, not even his name’s mentioned - than about Kurtis. That doesn’t mean he isn’t involved in his bio and lore and other details, because he absolutely was, I just mean that the final version of what we saw is a teamwork, not just Murti’s ideas. Even Murti is not at all behind the dynamic between Lara and Kurtis - the delicious dynamic we all know about - this being a product of the creative ideas and process of Morton rather than Murti.

From the moment only Murti Schofield was involved in TR Dark Angel project and not other Core Design members, I’ve had very clear in my mind than only a part of the final lore of the game was gonna be present at the project. And it’s fine, I don’t mind, it’s amazing they gave me the chance to meet this fantastic writer. But as I’ve been following all the content related with the project and the game I realized he doesn’t know everything or could answer to everything he was asked, because, naturally, he could only respond to the parts he was involved with - and that’s perfectly fine, and he had no problem to admit it, and nothing otherwise was expected!

This means many details about what Kurtis is, looks, and we enjoy about him were born by Richard Morton’s decision. So I knew this part was not gonna be present in the journal. Also, if you explore Murti’s activity and statements, he’s been recently working more on the past lore of the game. He’s been talking and headcanoning more about Konstantin than Kurtis, he’s been talking about more of the Nephilim, the Lux Veritatis, and producing content for Morgau and Eckhardt rather than for Kurtis and Lara at all. And it’s because he handles the part in which he was involved, the lore of the game, not the game content itself. For that, they should have included Morton or Smith, as far as I’ve found out.

This means Lara was never gonna be present at the journal, neither Kurtis as personality, because it was Richard Morton who created this personality - he chose the final name, I think, after all! Murti wanted him to be called Vance Renner - and of course Murti has been more seduced and interested recently in Konstantin as character than in Kurtis himself. And more invested in describing artefacts, power devices and other lore definitely not present in the final version of the game because he left the team before the game was released, since his task had been concluded: giving lore and plot. 

As you can see, this way, it is not surprising the journal is not a piece of merchandise that responds 100% to the final version you saw of what Kurtis is in the game, nor I expected it, but rather a recently crafted product that reflects more of the immediate past of the game’s universe, than the game plot itself. I would say it looks, at most, as if Kurtis has just gotten this diary from his father and the blank pages are still to be filled by him.

Which again, despite it was noted in advance, and we all could see photos of the inside pages, and nothing that wasn’t marketed was delivered, I still would have preferred it to look like a Kurtis’ journal, not a TRAOD lore concept art compendium whose pages don’t even look aged. But yet again, if you’ve been digging and listening to Murti’s part in the whole project, it was expectable in a way. And all of this I am not saying in a derogatory manner. It’s natural. TRAOD was the result of a teamwork, not just one single man. This one single man, thus, gives you his part in the story, but not the whole picture at all.

I hope I’ve made myself clear with this. Sorry for the long post, and I recommend you to read the whole content around this game, because it’s worth the time if you care about such things.

[hazzabeeforlou]

Digging Deeper

Thanks @alienfuckeronmain for the tag, this I’ve loved reading everyone’s, and I tag @taintedlav @rahashirley @raisemybody @twopoppies @cuethetommo @metal-eye and @seasurfacefullofclouds1 if anyone wants to play!! 

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? ink color matters less than ball-point-ness... 

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? I want a witch’s cottage with a giant messy garden on the edge of the moors and a forest a million miles away from everyone. So country. 

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? I’ve actually stretched myself this summer! Am learning French and guitar, and idk if it counts but learning my new job which I NEVER thought I could handle lol since I’ve never worked retail 

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? Honey ;)

5. What was your favourite book as a child? Well I have to say Narnia and Redwall, but when I was very tiny I loved this book about a girls who could whistle and speak to animals (named Mable) and the Velveteen Rabbit, and a book called “The Lost Princess” which is fucking amazing, by the precursor to CS Lewis, George MacDonald

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? I usually take showers because baths take too much time. Also baths are romantic and that makes me sad, and also I have to look at my body which, ug, not prepared to do that all the time rip

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? Mer. Fucking. Maid. Though I’ve always wanted to fly too, I used to spend HOURS in the water just underwater swimming with my legs stuck together just pretending to be on ocean adventures

8. Paper or electronic books? I usually much prefer paper, but since I got these blue light blocking glasses I am finding i’m fine either way physically. Soul-wise though, yeah, paper

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? Probably my mango colored crop hoodie that I once smashed melting frozen blueberries on and then spent hours and days getting the stains out...

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? My real name is super boring and typical, though I do like it. I enjoy my tumblr name a lot, Toni, and it feels more genderless and constrictive than my actual name lol

11. Who is a mentor to you? I’ve had so many great teachers, but the biggest lesson I’ve learned in life is that so many you admire can be deeply flawed. I have lots of trust issues. I only take advice from a select few people, and they don’t include anyone ‘old and wise’ lol 

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? Oh for sure, I used to want to be an actress or a rock star or whatever. Famous author. I would fucking LOVE to have a platform and help people and cheer people up and see people grocery shopping and have instant friends. I know that sounds terribly naive but I’ve said before I share a lot of Harry’s personality, and I just love flirting with people and smiling with them and giving hugs. Now, I would want to be famous as TONI me and not real me, because then I could never be myself because my fam would find out rip

13. Are you a restless sleeper? Depends on my mattress. Currently, yes, ugg. I wake up in an omega nesting scene from a fic every morning

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? Unfortunately yes. 

15. Which element best represents you? idk I usually say fire but I’m feeling more water lately 

16. Who do you want to be closer to? I’m working on getting to know my amazing sister better, and that’s been lovely.  

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? All my friends have been long distance for actual years, so i don’t miss anymore more than normal. I am missing just... the POTENTIAL for someone. This indefinite distancing is wearing on me. 

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. I was like two or three, and we were out on a full moon walk and I was in my stroller in the red sheepskin bundled up, and I remember coming up our sidewalk and looking at the world and moon and thinking, “remember this moment, or you’re going to grow up and forget how wonderful it was.” Also when I was five I had a breakdown on my mom’s lap because “I’m going to grow up and be too big to be sung lullabies to!” and I didn’t want anything to change EVER  

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? I used to make a concoction of rye crackers, mustard, and pickles. Don’t ask

20. What are you most thankful for? all the opportunities I’ve had in life. I’m so massively privileged 

21. Do you like spicy food? depends on how hot

22. Have you ever met someone famous? I saw a few celebs in NYC, Shosh from Girls, the guy from Monk, Tim Gun, John Oliver (and his golden retriever) and I passed a drunk as a skin Alec Baldwin outside Lincoln Center one day. Probably other people I didn’t recognize. Oh and S**** M***** rented my instrument right before covid hit here, and drunk him (or high him) couldn’t believe he had a h*** to play around on, and then I saw him staring at mountains being the most stereotypical rich white boy ever, also he did not send out gay vibes but don’t let that stop your Shiall, please don’t let it  

23. Do you do you keep a diary or journal? I almost always start with the new year and do like. A day. And then forget. 

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? PEN

25. What is your star sign? Aries sun, Aquarius moon, Pisces rising

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Depends on the cereal, those golden grams were BEST thoroughly soaked in milk fight me 

27. What would you want your legacy to be? make the world a little better 

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? Yes but you know, i’m the worst at making time for it. Still getting through that Brief Interviews with Hideous Men or whatever it is

29. How do you show someone you love them? Just thinking of them and doing little things to surprise them, I think

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? Yep the smaller and more crush friendly the better 

31. What are you afraid of? I really do not. like. limb loss. no horror movies for me EVER

32. What is your favourite scent? wet Labrador because it means there’s a WET LABRADOR

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? surname always unless I’ve always known them by firsts. Religion, man

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? I have this dream of buying up all the land shitty developers snatch up in this country and ceding it back to its rightful owners. I’ve legit cried over little forests turned into parking lots, thanks Joni Mitchell 

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? pools are so clean and have no sharks or jellyfish. that said, they also have no waves... 

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? turn it into the store it was closest to. I’m the lawful good box and yes I hate it

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? YES in Breckenridge one year I saw a fucking meteor shower! I’ve wished on some, they’ve never come true I don’t think. 

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? I’m too scared to have children even if I could (I can’t) because of the pressure of what would fuck them up and what wouldn’t 

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? I love my baby tat @alienfuckeronmain gave me, idk if I’d want another one someday, maybe a sister tat with my sis

40. What can you hear now? The fan, my typing, my parents watching old TV shows

41. Where do you feel the safest? With a pet outside in nature somewhere

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? putting limits on things /myself/people

43. Of you could travel back to any era, what would it be? You know I used to really DREAM about this shit, but since I realized I would have genetically DIED in any other era, and that my dreaming was a literal result of white privilege since it would fucking SUCK to be anyone else (I mean even now it’s awful wtf) I just. Stick with the present. 

44. What is your most used emoji? the laughing face. oops. 

45. Describe yourself using one word. Supercalifragelisticexpialidocious

46. What do you regret the most? I have so many. social. anxiety. nightmares from my 28 years of life that haunt me

47. Last movie you saw? l think it was the Downton Abbey movie? 

48. Last tv show you watched? Monk 

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. Surplumn. a really divinely wonderful thing, like ‘oh her lips are surplumn’ like a juicy chocolate mousse and perky breasts idk 

[gocatboygo]

I don’t know if you have made a post about it already, but could you introduce your alters? And any blogs they have (I’m sorry if this is an intrusive question, I don’t know much about DID)

not intrusive at all dear!! let me know if you want some resources to learn more about DID, i’m always happy to point an uneducated person in the right direction

i have a rarer subtype of DID called polyfragmentation, meaning i have over 100 alters. obviously i don’t know all of them personally since ive only known about my DID for like a year. i have a system carrd with all our most common fronters, but that’s only for friends and mutuals, since it’s got some personal info on it

i’ll just introduce the people who have blogs or post on here, as well as the people i reference a lot, since that’s what’s relevant! 

jackson / kitty: me :3 i prefer if only very close friends, children/child alters, and my own alters call me Kitty. it was my name when i initially split off, but now that i’m the host, i use the body’s name (jackson). if you wanna know more about me check out my about page

jet / sterling: my co-host! @jet-sterling (main) / @mxgalomaniacal (industrial rock sideblog)

roxy: bun/bun/buns/bunself pronouns for this person! bun is really fun and adorable, you would love bun. check out “#roxy posts” or buns page on my blog (there should be a link in my mobile links that says “alter pages”)

lydia: very sweet caretaker :) i believe her tag is “#lydia”. check out her alter page too if you want

oryan: oh my god i love oryan TT_TT @oryans-blog. he’s made a few posts on here but i don’t think he tags them with his name. in sterling’s words, “oryan would probably make friends with a fucking steam locomotive” 

katy: my twin alter :)... she occasionally posts on here but usually doesn’t tag it. a lot of the time she doesnt even mention it’s her she just reblogs posts in silence lmao. fyi twin alters are alters who split off at the same time as each other, usually performing complimentary roles. pretty sure we split off in 2009

gaylord: this man does NOT post. he’s my protector. he’s an old man who can turn into a lion and everyone in my partner system calls him Snape because they’re bullies. the only songs hes ever heard are 1. some bjork song my ex put on for him, 2. various lullabies, and 3. world in my eyes by depeche mode

rabbit: sometimes i talk about this funky little guy in my “#tumblr diary” tag or my “#didposting” tag... 

blair: host from 2017-2018 who recently came out of dormancy! if you don’t know, dormancy is sort of like a comatose state for alters. their tag is just “#blair”, also search “#for blair” to see posts that remind me of them

abel: he’s been AWOL on and off for so long but he fronted today so im really hopeful. a protector of mine who i’m really close to.

that’s all i can really think of!! thanks for asking. let us know if you have questions

[boogiewrites]

The past doesn't matter. All that matters now is the future.

Alfie Solomons One Shot

Word Count: 12,400+

Summary:  A one shot about a woman named Rachel and the infamous Alfie Solomons. Angsty and romantic, happy ending.. Rachel finds herself unhappy with her life, despite making the clear choice to choose it and live it. With yearly reminders of her mistake coming in the form of flowers from the man she left, all her regret comes to a head and she reaches out to him, the man she truly loves, to help him (and her) escape the dark hand of her husband. Some lessons are only learned the hard way.

Warnings/Tags: Language. FLUFF. ANGST. Cheating on your awful husband. Revenge. Mild violence. Explicit Sexual Content: Making Love. Long lost lovers. Regret. Lover’s reunited. Confessions of love.

Click on my icon then go to my Mobile Masterlist in my bio for my other works. (Had to do this since Tumblr killed links, sorry.)

From an outsiders point of view, your life was a picturesque little portrait of a wholesome family with a hard-working husband, a baby, and a dutiful wife. Although in most meanings of the words, that would be correct, but behind closed doors, after dark and beneath the surface, it was anything but. Years of built up lies, neglect and bitterness were the names of the pillars that held your life together. With a strong foundation that was built entirely on regret.

You woke up in your bed alone as you do most mornings, your husband, an inspector for the London police got up early every morning to phone his contacts and read the papers. Frequently his work had him get in at all hours. He would casually ready himself for bed, switching lights on and making no attempt at being quiet despite the fact you had a baby in the adjacent room. This would often leave you to have to go care for her as the commotion would wake her and it always seemed to happen just as you had fallen asleep. He would come in and leave you to hush the crying child. He had not once offered to comfort her himself.

He hadn’t touched you since you’d become pregnant and the baby was almost a year old now, he was always working, always tired and caring more about numbers and his arrests than his own family. You had had trouble getting pregnant and it was all Harold would act upon or talk about when you were first married. You assumed this meant he would be an involved father and be thankful towards the woman who gave him such a gift. But you had the child and now you didn’t know if you preferred the hollow sexual attention of before to the utter indifference towards you now. There were never sweet words or apologies for this neglectful and selfish behavior and you were left angry and bitter. You couldn’t believe you’d actually chosen this life for yourself. You had thought this life would be easier and more secure but you’d never felt more alone or worked as hard as you had keeping a home and raising a child practically alone.

It had been alone except for Harold's existence, until very recently when you’d gotten a maid to come and help a few nights a week. You’d begged for assistance as you were so exhausted you had slept through the baby crying one afternoon and Harold came home and did everything but hit you in retaliation to your so-called neglect. He only agreed to hire help at that point because of your incompetence with raising his child. It had taken you so long to become with child, he said he should’ve taken it as a sign you weren’t fit for motherhood. Since then you’d been so low, so depressed with near constant red and puffy eyes from crying for a life you could’ve had. A life with passion in it. A life with a man, however miraculously flawed he was, loved you wholly and truly. But you had made your bed and you had to lie in it now.

This constant haze of exhaustion and sadness was probably the reason you hadn’t recalled what day it was. You’re feeding your little Elizabeth, she’s content, the only in the house to be so as she suckles away at you as you make tea in the kitchen.

There’s a knock at the door and you think nothing of it, it could be a messenger, a coworker of Harold’s so you don’t acknowledge it and continued focusing on the task so you don’t mess up the brew and get a passive aggressive response to it.

“Again with these bloody fucking flowers!” He yells after you hear the door slam. He sits the large bouquet on the kitchen table and crosses his arms. “How many years in a row now? What the fuck is with this? These must be a mistake.” He says rubbing his chin.

“Please Harold watch your language around the baby.” you ask softly.

“She can't bloody understand me.” He says with a dismissive wave of his hand.

You turn and sigh. Your heart sinking to your stomach as you look at the flowers. You gulp and readjust the baby in your arms. You knew who the unmarked flowers were from. You knew why they were sent and each year, as your life became more and more hopeless and overwhelming they made you more and more depressed knowing what they signified.

Today marked the anniversary of the day you had left Alfie Solomons. A man you had known since before the war. After returning, you ran into each other by chance, you had thought, and something was different that time. That difference, unknown to you at that juncture had been him acting on a promise to himself to find you and tell you how he felt if he made it out of the war alive. A romance quickly bloomed. Something passionate and burning hot, long nights together that made your days apart feel eternal. He was trying to make something of himself, you’d known that. What you hadn't expected was for him to be so bloody good at being bad. His work became more and more intense, with more violence and danger and it had scared you. You didn’t want a life where you had to worry about your husband constantly and worry about your own safety because of things he did. It all frightened you and you had made the life-altering, world-crushing and heartbreaking decision to leave him for something safer.

You thought life with Harold would be common and simple but you soon found it to be anything but. The social ladder of his workmates and their wives held nothing for you. You were born and raised poor and lacked the certain air of arrogance and affluence that they did. It was as if they could smell the coal in your pores from your youth and knew you weren’t like them. There was nothing save sweet Elizabeth, an innocent in all this to soothe you now.

The flowers this year hit you particularly hard as your disappointment with your decisions weighed heavily on your chest. You rocked the sleeping baby and stared at them. Flowers you’d picked together when you were young in fields on picnics where you’d make love in the tall grass in the summer. Tears well up in your eyes, your heart literally aching for what you’d lost in him. He was a stubborn man, and it seemed even after you’d left he’d kept a spot for you in his heart. If these flowers were any indication. Every year, a large bouquet of flowers sent in the morning in a porcelain vase. Harold has tried to find who they came from but as was his way, Alfie had paid off the florist well and your secret was safe.

If Harold were to ever find out about it, it would surely be Alfie's downfall. Harold handled the crime in Camden where you resided, and of course, Alfie was more than well known. You had to hear your husband say the name of the man you truly loved every so often and it’d make your stomach turn with every syllable.

But you were far from an innocent bystander in all this. You would eavesdrop on your husband's conversations. For the first year you were married you forced Alfie out of your mind and tried to be a good law keepers wife. Something it soon became apparent you were never meant to be. But after the flowers were sent the first time, it awoke something in you and you became a deviant yourself. It hadn’t taken you long to catch on that Harold’s affections were hollow. He was a man who cared about his image and nothing much else. He held no loyalty to you truly in his heart, you were merely a box to be checked on a long list of things that were expected of him.

Alfie had always been loyal to you. He was far from perfect but he always took you into consideration. Harold never did that. That day a loyalty of your own was awoken and you became the person behind the anonymous tips leaked to Alfie of threats from the police. You paid the rough youngsters in the market to deliver the letters to his home and tell him nothing of who sent them. You’d saved him from certain demise and arrest countless times now. You liked to think the flowers were a thank you for your services that put you in harm's way if you were found out. Luckily, with the criminal activity you’d witnessed while with Alfie, and your questionable upbringing, you used those things to your advantage to not get caught.

The weeks pass and the flowers wilt. You dry them and press them into your journal as you always do. Just another secret kept from your husband. Despite the maid being with the baby in her room, you find yourself awake and wandering the halls. You see the door to your husband's office opened, which was rare. It was usually locked. He had come up to bed and gone into a deep snoring sleep quickly, not even stirring as you got out of bed. You move into the small office, a mess except for a small area on his desk. You see his work diary and your nose twitches. You take a deep breath, looking out of the room as your fingers trace the edges of the leather ledger. You could hear the faint snoring and knew you were in the clear from him at least. You flip through to find names and dates and arrests. Times of surveillance and names of places surveyed. They weren’t all about Alfie, but most were, you could tell from the Jewish names used. You flip to the most recent, a heavy sigh escaping you as a black star rests on tomorrow. You take in the scribbled notes. A warrant had been issued for the search of an office in Solomons' name. from what you could tell tomorrow night there would be a raid. You try to figure the timetable in your head. By the time he was out of the house tomorrow, you could make it to the market, but you couldn’t guarantee the message would get to him in time. Usually, your husband would’ve bragged about something like this. So you assume by the almost code like jotted notes this might have been something secret or something they thought would be fruitful to them. It was underlined and stared, and Harold wasn’t known for his flourishes so you assume this must be big.

You shut the book and leave everything as you found it. You switch off the light and shut the door, assuming he hadn’t meant to leave it open and shutting it would’ve been a perfectly reasonable thing for a wife to do. You cross your arms and chew your lip, walking slowly down the hallway. You feel a pit of worry deep in your chest and stomach grow.

If Alfie went down and you could’ve done something to prevent it you would never forgive yourself. But short of telling him yourself you didn’t know how to do it. You didn’t have his phone number, you couldn’t call. A telegram wouldn’t get there in time and sending it anonymously would be very difficult if not impossible, and you didn’t have money to pay off anyone.

You make a decision. One that would turn out to be one of the most important of your life and wasn't it suited it would involve Alfie. You go up to Elizabeth’s room and tell the maid you’ve heard from a friend and will be heading out, as she requires your emotional support. You ask her not to tell Harold unless he asks. She asks who the friend is and you tell her to relay that in your haste, you didn’t tell her. You will be back tomorrow certainly and she was to stay with the baby and she’d be compensated for her time. You go to your room and retrieve a dress and clothing suitable for the night chill.

With your coat tight around you, you walk the few streets to Alfie's Home. You silently prayed he would be there and would allow you to come in. You kept repeating the information you’d read to yourself on the way, your feet quick and your head covered with a scarf to hide your appearance so no one would recognize you.

With your breathing now fast and heavy, small puffs of steam from your lungs as you stand in front of his door. Your face is flushed and your skin tight from the cold and exertion. Your hand stops before making contact with the door. Were you really doing this? This was something you didn’t come back from. This was a line crossed and you hadn’t spoken to the man in years, hid from him in public when you’d see him in town, so you weren’t sure if he’s even seen you in that span of time.

You close your eyes and force a knock of your knuckles to the metal surface and wait with bated breath. There is a light inside, you can see it, but it could be from a maid or a guard. If he wasn’t there you weren’t sure what you’d do. You hadn’t planned that far ahead.

With no answer after what felt like forever you knock again. You hear a old familiar voice grumbling and swearing and your jaw tenses. You realize you’re about to come face to face with him and you feel a bit nauseous.

“Who in the fuck is it?” You hear him shout from the other side of the door and you find your voice gone. Your throat right and your breathing stuttering. “I ain’t openin' the fucking door unless you tell me.” he states obviously.

You take a deep breath and swallow. “It’s... It’s Rachel.” You force out. Eyes already wide and nervous.

There’s silence from the other side of the door for a moment. He knew that voice. He could never forget it. He didn’t have to ask Rachel who. He stares at the door a bit befuddled, brow low and face twisted in thought, eyes shifting as if he could see through the door. His hand hovered over the handle and he lets out a noisy breath. In all of these years, why would you be here tonight?

“Alfie?” He hears your say and it’s like a knife ripping open his chest. That voice calling his name haunted him in his sleep for years. The last time he’d heard it called so sweet it had had the same effect on him as you’d told him goodbye.

He opens the door, jaw tight and half expecting a shotgun blast to the chest for his stupidity to open his door to the wife of the man who was out to get him. But that was a big part of what made him open it as well. It had to be something of dire consequences for you to reach out to him. He takes his chances. Pulling back the door, squaring his shoulders and putting up a front of indifference as he was used to, he slowly reveals you standing with your hands clutches to the lapels of your coat, large hazel eyes batting at him on a face that looked fearful and concerned.

Neither of you says anything for a moment. He sees your lips trembling and your knuckles white with tension. You finally break under the hard stare of his piercing blue eyes.

“May I come in?” You ask softly, casting your eyes downward.

“Why are you here?” He asks, his voice now even and calm unlike the shouts earlier.

You open your mouth only to shut it and breathe out forcefully. “I came to tell you something.” Your voice meek and losing any confidence the longer he made you stand outside.

“And it couldn’t wait for a normal time when most people would call upon another person?” He still had his sarcasm down, that was clear and he sees your face stay sad and guarded, not bending to his tone and giving him any hint of annoyance or amusement.

“Please? It’s important. I’m risking a lot to be here right now.” Your eyes still aren’t meeting his, your brow low and your posture slumping. He was making you feel bad, perhaps hurting your feelings and that wasn’t his intention whether that’s what he should want to do or not.

“Come in, love” he eventually says, opening the door and showing you in. He watches you shiver and take the scarf from your head showing the same waves of dark auburn, similar to his.

“Thank you.” You say meekly. You were a shadow of what he recalled. You had been so full of life and self-assured last he’d laid eyes on you so closely. Now your eyes were more sunken, the only color in your face from the cold nipping at your nose.

“What...” he shakes his head and blinks in confusion. “Why are you here Rachel?” Saying your name aloud, having it hit his ears felt strange.

“There are some things I need to tell you, Alfie.” You begin, unbuttoning your jacket. “May we sit? This might...take a moment.” You say with a flinch in your face as if he might strike you for asking. What sort of life had you been living without him? He expected you to be fat and bubbly and a kept woman with Harold. But he found you acting more like a dog that had been kicked one too many times.

He nods, “Here love, let me take that.” he says softly, moving towards you slowly and the way your shoulders tense when he takes your coat from your shoulders makes him have to hide his sadness in his face. His poor little lost love, what had your decisions brought you to?

As you feel the warmth from his hands you want to shudder, not having been touched in so long by anyone for any reason it felt foreign to you. When he lightly touches your upper back you jump slightly as it catches you off guard and you’re ashamed of your nervous behavior.

“You okay? Are you hurt?” He asks as you walk to the living room where the fire roared and piles of books sat around a clearly worn armchair.

“Sorry I’m... no I’m not. Just nervous.” you stutter out.

“You have nothing to fear from me. I stand by my words I last said. I won’t hurt you love, no matter what you’ve come here for.”

“Thank you” is the only reply you can manage. You sit on the couch and he leans over and touches your shoulder, finding you cold and far less plump than he expected for having a baby.

“Would you like tea? I'm getting you tea, you’re cold.” He says and you can hear the worry in his voice for you. You’d missed hearing that from someone.

He strides into the kitchen and brings back two cups, and the taste takes you back to your time with him in an instant. It warms you in a way you didn’t expect as you sip away at it, trying not to appear too eager and stare into the fire as he studies you from his seat next to you.

“You still drink this?” You ask eventually, your face not turning towards him but your eyes look his way.

“I’m a creature of habit ain’t I?” He says with a lighter tone. “I find something I like and I keep to it.” His words sting like a slap to the face and you close your eyes for a moment. Who was this fragile little bird in his home? She certainly wasn’t the girl he once knew.

“I wish I could say the same.” You say quietly, sniffing then clearing your throat.

“Are you okay love?” He asks again, setting his cup and leaning towards you. “Are you in some sort of trouble?” He tries to get something out of you to ease his own nerves.

“Not...exactly no.Not yet anyway. I could be for coming here but...” you let out a sigh and finally turn his way, your back hunched as you leaned towards his crouching frame. “I had to.”

“You’ve got to start speaking in more facts and fewer riddles, sweetheart.”

“The police are going to go after your offices tomorrow. They have warrants and there’s a plan in place.” You say without eye contact as your purse your lips tightly.

“Wh-Why are you here telling me this?” His eyes narrowed and hiding his worry for you and the information's sudden appearance.

“Because if I sat by and let something happen to you, that I could have stopped...I couldn’t live with myself.” you admit, and your shining eyes finally turned to meet his that hadn’t left your pale face.

The words hit him hard. “This...” he clears his throat and thumbs his nose, his weight in his elbows on his knees as he leaned in close and spoke softly in his disbelief he was hearing such a thing from you. “This is Harold’s doin’?” He asks, not being able to bring it upon himself to call the man your husband.

“I saw it in his diary just tonight by chance. I knew my usual way wouldn’t reach you in time.” Your words seem to be coming easier now despite the closeness of him. You could smell the rum from the distillery on him.

“What you mean usual way?” He speaks slowly and his head tilts as your eyes go wide. He was far too clever to speak to when you were nervous. You were far too scrambled in his presence to keep cool and hide your secrets.

You hadn’t meant to word it like that. “I-uh..” you stutter and he sees your breathing pick up, the rising and falling of your chest, the only thing that looked healthy on you caught his attention. He knew you’d had a baby and that must be the reason for it, for the rest of you was slight in your modest dress.

“Rachel.” He says, reaching out and taking your hand and he feels you shake at the contact. “Love stop shakin’.” he says taking both your hands into his. “Now take a breath. You’re safe here.” You look into his eyes and you believe him without so much as a second guess. Those eyes were the same, a bit saddened perhaps but still full of love for you. As you took his advice and took a few slow deep breaths you look down to your hands clasped together.

“I’ve been giving you information.” You whisper as if barely saying it might make the offense not as bad.

“I haven’t spoken to you in years love and seen you almost the same, what do you mean?”

“Your anonymous source. The ones that come from the children and are delivered to you.”

The tension in his mouth leaves, just wide eyes glancing over your face to see if you were lying. “How do you know about that?”

“Because I’ve been paying them to do it.“

“They weren’t in your handwriting I’d recognize it anywhere.”

The confusion you both feel sitting heavy in your chests. “I wrote it with my other hand.” You admit. “So you wouldn’t be able to tell.”

He rapidly blinks before turning his face back to yours. “You’re serious?”

“Why would I lie about it? I’ve been risking being discovered doing it.”

“I’ve been gettin' those for years Rachel... this whole time...?”

“The first year you sent me the flowers.” You whisper swallowing noisily and his face softens. You had gotten them. You had remembered. The realization hits him hard and his heart starts to thump harder. “I started after that.”

“So you have gotten them.” He whispers, his grip on your hands tightening.

“Yes. Every year.” you look at each other and you feel the raised pulses in your gripping hands.

“You knew it was me?”

“How could I not?” The flash of a thought of a smile crosses your eyes.

“You remembered?” his voice makes his disbelief apparent.

“How could I forget Alfie?” Your voice was stronger and more certain. He knew you were speaking from inside now, the fear falling away to honesty.

“You haven’t said a word in years, I thought you’d forgotten me entirely to be honest.” he admits.

You pout and shake your head. “You don’t forget someone when you love them the way I did you.” You say almost offended

“And you’ve been givin' me information this whole time? Taking it from the police and tellin' me?” His voice tells you he doesn’t even know how to believe the statement. The woman he loved, that he thought had long forgotten him had been looking out for him for years.

“Yes. I couldn’t stand having to hear them talk about taking you down. Anytime I got wind of something I tried to tell you.”

“You did that...for me?” He asks with eyes that show more vulnerability.

“Yes.”

“Riskin' being found out by giving me info and coming here tonight to warn me?”

“Yes.” You say stronger.

“But why love?” His face showing his confusion. Why risk everything for a man you willingly left? “You could’ve really gotten yourself in trouble.”

“I know that.” You say more defiantly. “I have my reasons.”

“And you’ll share classified information with me but you won’t share the reasons why you do it?” his voice more demanding.

You feel the words build up in your throat and they burn. They want to be released. “What do you want me to say, Alfie?” You say with a harsher tone, tears appearing in your eyes.

“The truth would be nice, don’t you think?” He states obviously. Pulling your hands back towards him as you try to pull them away. “No Rachel.” He shakes his head and “I let you get away without the fight I should have. I’m not letting you leave here without answers this time.”

“Alfie please,” you rasp out. The tears burning in your eyes. You knew he deserved the truth. He had kept his distance and let you live your life, he could’ve tried to ruin your marriage, even kill your husband but he hadn’t. He loved you and he let you go. With which is something you had never been able to do. “I cant.” you whimper.

“But you can feed me information and worry about me? Put yourself in danger by coming here and doing so?”

“I can’t let anything happen to you. I couldn’t bear it.” your voice cracks and the tears start to fall.

“And why? Why would you leave me and marry another man and birth him a child and still do this?”

“You want to fucking know?” You finally break. A deep breath and a bold stare into his searching eyes make a fire light inside you both. There was his little Rachel. This was the raw and emotional woman he’d been in love with since even before the war. “You want me to admit that I failed? That I made the worst decision of my life leaving you?” The words escape you violently and he holds your hands tightly, his jaw clenched as the things he’s long wondered poured out of you in a display of honesty and vulnerability few ever see. “That the only thing that brings me any inkling of joy is my baby and she exhausts me to the point of forced unconsciousness because I’m left alone all the time? That my marriage is purely performative? I’m stuck without love or touch or even common decency and have been for years? Is THAT what you want to know so badly?” you choke out.

“Of course I don’t want you to have that sort of life love,” he says with a feverish retort “I want to know why you still care if I live or die?” He begs with his eyes.

“Because I... I fucking love you, Alfie. At no point have I stopped! And I hate myself for it and what I’ve done! What should’ve been the best years of my youth are now the darkest and cold I’ve ever known. I loved you but I was frightened! I didn’t want to die but now I see that life without love isn’t worth living for me and it’s all I can do to make amends. All that’s within my power to do is try to make sure you don’t die by the hand of my husband because if that came to pass I would kill myself, do you understand?!” Your breathing is ragged and fast tears fall down your face and you feel so alive. Things you’d never thought would ever admit were now shouted in the face of the man you had known, up until a few minutes ago, would never hear them. You laid your soul bare for him and you did owe him that much for making such a mess of things.

His eyes look at you like they had all those years ago. The same love rested within them that you’d seen even after you broke his heart. And though the face around them was older and more worn now, the eyes remained the same.

“My love...” he whispers, a hand traveling to the side of your face to make you meet his loving gaze but you shut them tightly and whimper. “Look at me Rachel, please.” He speaks with such softness and tenderness you don’t deserve.

“It hurts too much Alfie. Everything hurts so much.” You begin to sob.

“Shhhh, there, there my lovely girl .” He coos, bringing your head to his shoulder, the feel of warmth against you is too much for your weak constitutions. He strokes your hair and you sob, the affection too much to bear. You give in. He knew the truth now, what else was there to hide? You let yourself lean into him, a and wrap your arms around his neck.

“I’m so sorry” You whine.

“No, no, pet I am.” He rubs your back now, feeling his mouth ear your ear. “I should’ve seen you were just scared. I should’ve fought to keep you.”

“I’ve never loved him, Alfie.” You choke out and it felt so good to say.

His chest burns with your confessions. It’s everything he wanted to hear and nothing he wanted at the same time. He thought you were happy. He never wanted you unhappy, and if he’d known...it didn’t matter now though. You had both made your decisions and now you're left with what to do next now that the truth was out.

“I thought maybe I could forget you if I fell into my place. Did my wifely duties and acted proper. But I never did. I should’ve left when I couldn’t get pregnant. It should’ve been an obvious sign.”

“Shhh shhhh” he says wrapping his arms around your body.

“I could've died having her.” You say as your body stills and you feel him tense beneath you. You lean back to see his face and it was just as scared as yours. “ I Laid there alone, bleeding and terrified and all I thought about was how I wished you were there. That I could see you one last time.”

“Rachel..” his face, voice are pained, hand moving to touch your cheek and brush your hair back, looking over the gut-wrenching heartache across your face.

The confessions keep coming and you can’t stop them now. Not with him within a breaths distance of you. “God how I wished she was yours.” You look to his lips, just as soft as they had been as your fingertips trace over them. “I had hoped we had an affair I’d forgotten.” You huff out a noise that was almost a laugh.”That somehow she had been brought into the world with love. That she could be put into her father’s arms first instead of a stranger. You would’ve been there when she was born. You wouldn’t have left me alone. She could’ve been held by someone who would look at her like I do, like she’s the reason for living.” You see the tears in his eyes and you adore their existence, it meant perhaps there was hope, somewhere, somehow for love to exist. “I’m so sorry Alfie.” your voice begs.

“What I wouldn’t give to have given you that.” He whispers, looking over your pained and striking face.

“My God Alfie what have we done?”

“It doesn’t matter what we’ve done. What do we do now?” he holds your face firmly.

You stare at each other in silence. Neither having the answer. How would you begin to remedy this? Was there a remedy at all? You look over the face that sent love and lust through you so easily as a younger woman and it was still having the same effect on you. “Alfie?”

“Yes, love?” He whispers, brushing his nose against yours affectionately.

“Do you still love me?” You ask weakly.

“More than anything,” he says with a low brow.

“Then do what I know you truly want to right now. I see it in your eyes the same as I ever did.”

“Rachel...” He whispers hesitantly.

You lean into his lips and close your eyes. “It has been so long Alfie.” You beg. “So long since I’ve felt wanted and loved as I do right now in your arms. Show me that you love me. Make love to me Alfie. I feel I will live to have more regret than I do already if we do not.” There’s was no going back now. Even if you stayed apart and lived double lives, lied about how you felt to everyone else but each other, things were different now. They couldn’t truly go back to the way they were, not in your hearts.

“Are you sure?”

“Only about you my love.”

And with that, he gives in to you, as if he ever stood a chance. At first, the kiss was chaste. Hard exhales escape you both with pained expressions that gave away the hurt that resides inside you both. A whine escapes you unintentionally as you press against him. Your mouths show quickly the hunger that lives within you both. As his hand moved down your back, clutching at you before taking the back of your head to hold you fast to him, you hear him moan. A sound you never thought you’d hear again. You give it back in full, hands moving to his already messy hair and your lips work fiercely against each other. They part for tongues and moans, lapping against each other with no thought of shame for the needful sounds coming from you both.

He pulls back to your surprise, panting and holding your face. “No way I’m making love to you on this couch. We’re going to bed where I can do it proper like you deserve.” he says forcefully and you follow him without question, hand in hand up the stairs. The room is dark and cold and neither of you care.

You reach to unbutton his shirt as you kiss him, he undoes your dress to your waist where the buttons ceased. You take turns, steps toward the bed as you removed your clothes limb by limb.

You are down to your slip and nothing else, him with undone trousers hanging loosely on his hips. “Get under the covers love, I’ll not have you getting cold." He says, peeling the last layer off.

Watching your body now changed, hip bones more prominent, your bum more round and your arms lean and strong from the baby. He matches you in nakedness, and then in the bed.

Losing no time he pulls you against his chest, hands down your back to grab your bum. You hold yourself against him as closely as possible. You hadn’t felt skin against yours in so long, you hadn’t felt alive since the last time you’d been with him. It all comes flooding back, pieces of memories from your time together. At night in the garden in the rain, in the low light of dawn in a tiny bed barely big enough for you both, in his office on the settee, all different and all bringing you over the edge with sweet words and skilled hips. You’d missed him even more than you thought you had as you let yourself drown willingly in the memories.

You were softer than he recalled. Smaller but softer. He kisses you thoroughly, hand moving from sensual space to space, taking in every new scar and mark that he hadn’t been around for. You clutch tightly to his back and neck, almost fearing he might come to his senses and stop.

He moves you beneath him a swift motion, nothing had changed when it came to the two of you reading each other bodies, anticipating what the other wanted. Only after he has met his fill of your mouth on his do the kisses start to wander to your neck. You melt into the bed, hands holding around his back as you exhale noisily and whimper at the softness of his lips as they work against your neck and chest.

“My god, how have I lived without this?” You whine out, hands moving to his hair first before moving to his face and pulling him back to you. “How have I lived without you?” You whisper before meeting him in a feverish kiss, his hands traveling to your hip and thighs, pulling and squeezing, wrapping your legs around him.

“I have not lived without you, my angel. Let me feel you love, wrap yourself around me, I need to feel you.” he groans between sloppy kisses.

You obey without question. His mouth back to your neck as you hold your hand in his hair, remember the softness and finding it longer now. “Alfie I need you.” You moan without shame. “Please, love.” You whisper into his ear and he takes hold of your hip.

“Do we need protection?” He asks, his head lifting up, having totally forgotten about such a thing up to this point.

“No, darling, it took me years to get pregnant, we’re fine.” You say with a more focused voice as you faded in and out of your responsible selves for a moment. He grunts in response, settling his knees into the bed and reaching between your legs to prepare you as you seemed rather starved for it. There was no judgment in this observation as he was the same, knowing he was hard and leaking already at the thought of coming back home to your body. Your body enthused the same as he found your thighs slick with proof of your honesty behind your words of needing him.

“Rachel, you have never been so wet for me.” He whispers against your lips, finger frictionless between your lips.

“It’s been so long, Alfie, so long. Years.” you whine and he pushes his fingers into you to find you taut and hot.

He watches your face barely visible in the moonlight dancing through the curtains. a flutter of lashes before your eyes roll back. Your mouth trembling open and a lustful moan rising out of it just for him. Your sounds were deeper now, slower and building, rawer than he recalls. He moves his fingers in you, finding their place naturally as ever as he finds you still grasp his shoulders when her circles your clit, some things never change.

“Please Alfie.” A breathy and soft moan in his ear. “I need your cock. I’m more than ready, darling.” You cry and he grasps himself, gliding between your thick soft lips to cover himself in your wetness. “My god...” you whisper, feeling the heat and hardness against you. You had given up on feeling it ever again. You recall the first time you had sex with Alfie. How surprised you were by everything about him. An almost femininely beautiful face, shaven back then. A harsh voice and rough hands from work, same as now, and the thick stretch of him that made you gasp for air just as it was tonight.

“Alright love?” He asks with a tender kiss to your temple as your mouth lies open and mewls as he pushes into you.

“More.” You request, hand snaking to the back of his neck, pressing his lips against yours and keeping a tight grip on him as he buried himself inside you. The lack of hesitancy you had for him was intoxicating. He hadn't felt so full since you’d left, filling you and filling himself simultaneously.

Your grip on each other is almost bruising, his hands traveling the width of your ribs as his lips press soft kisses to your breasts with every slow pump inside you. He handles with you care, like you are as physically fragile as you are emotionally while in his arms. He licks across your nipples, bringing kisses into the heavy weight of them and groaning as his face rests between them as you press them together for him.

“Your body is heavenly my love.” He rasps in your ear, returning from your chest to press his soft lips to your neck again.

“You feel so good, Alfie. Better than I can ever remember.” You whine out before a moan takes away the eye contact you were holding, your head falling back to the pillow. This was what making love was, you think to yourself. He moves slowly but purposely inside you, the slight weight and hang in his stomach you both have from getting older and having a child press against the other, seeing your bodies together completely, finishing it with the meeting of your mouths as he his body moves against yours, giving you the extra touch your body needed. Alfie's touch lit your skin on fire and told yours what it needed before it knew itself. The roaming of his hands, grasping at you with desperation, the other by your head in your hair to keep your face in sight, his insistence to watch your face told you he wanted you, and with his moans, his body told you it needed yours.

His thumb traces over your panting mouth, watching every expression your face made and committing it to memory. “I have missed you more than words can express.” He says softly, your eyes rolling back to meet his.

“More than anything.” You whisper back. You take a quick inhale, rising to touch his face again, to feel the beard under your fingers, the pulse on your palm. “I love you.” You say with a pained express born from the same emotion and pleasure

“And I you. Always.” His face shares your same expression of downturned brows, your eyes continued to tell of the emptiness you felt without the other.

He didn’t know what would become of the two of you, but he knew he wouldn’t make the mistake of this miracle happening between the two of you tonight being taken for granted. This could be the last time he gets you like this, he wasn’t letting a single nuanced flinch of your face go unnoticed.

He hears the sequence of breathing he recalls as he hums with contentment at the sound. He knows what that sound meant. Your thighs pull tight against him, and he holds your hip to keep you in place. He pushes into you harder, a dull slap of skin to skin your toes start to curl.

“Alfie.” You moan and gasp, the same calling of his name he heard in his dreams.

“That’s it my love,” he whispers into your ear. “Let me hear you, please.” He asks with eyes screwed shut for a moment, the pain in his chest from the fear of thinking he’d never hear you again settles.

“Oh Alfie.” you mewl, your skin beginning to tingle, letting your thoughts come through as he wished.

“Yes, love, yes.” He says against your cheek, pressing his face to yours.

“Oh my god.” You gasp, your breathing fast and quick as he hit into you.”Oh my god yes.” he feels your thighs tense and start to shake.

“Come for me Rachel, my love, my god let me feel you again.” As he speaks it overtakes you. Your eyes are now permanently housed, rolled back and fluttering as your back arches and your whole body convulses against his. It comes wave after delicious wave, you’re sure you moan and cry out but you can’t focus on anything but how impossibly good it feels. This was life with Alfie, not only love and care but a deeper satisfaction being met by both body and mind.

Your body remembers before you do of the feel of his hand suddenly tight and still against you. His forehead to yours as it has done hundreds of times before, you hear the shouted wordless cries as his back hunches and you know by the deep home he’s made in you that he’s found his end as well.

You come down together with much noise. Moans continuing as you pant and groan as your muscles shift, the small convulsions of aftershocks that make you both shake. He stays inside you for a while, and neither of you says anything.

You both know you have to go in the sobering air after an orgasm. You kiss softly, hands to faces, eyes spilling out apologies for so many things.

You tell him you’ll figure something out. He kisses you after he helps shield you from the cold in your coat, buttoning it for you. You tell him you meant everything you said. To take care of the warning for tomorrow and you would try to take care of things on your end. He nods and kisses you one last night, truly and honestly believing it would be the last time.

You walk home quickly, only a few hours have passed and the sun is nowhere near up. You could get lucky and return unnoticed.

You’re still thinking about what to do as you’re sipping tea in your kitchen the next day, surprised it seemed you’d gotten away with it. Harold had still been asleep and you paid the maid extra just for not telling him you’d left. What was another secret added to the life-changing night you’d had, after all?

The day passes and Harold comes home defeated and you silently rejoice in your love having bested him yet again. But your celebrating wouldn’t last too long.

Almost two months pass and you stand in your bathroom, wiping the vomit from your face and dress. As you stare at your reflection. You knew this meant a few different things. One, you were most certainly pregnant as Elizabeth had made her announcement of conception in the same way. Two, that it was not your husbands, but Alfies. And three, that the problem with conceiving had never been you as you’d been berated into thinking, it’d been Harold’s.

A twisted sense of revenge is filled within you. There had been nothing wrong with you. And you had proof. You had the child of the man you truly loved growing inside you, just as you’d pretended with Elizabeth from time to time. You only had a certain window to act now, and perhaps it was for the better. Now you couldn’t idle. You just had to come up with a plan.

But both lucky and unlucky for both you and Alfie, fate intervened.

You answer the door not even a week after realizing you were pregnant. A young boy, bent over and gasping for breath and trying to speak stands before you.

“Take a breath dear, breathe.” You say, with the motherly tone you had fallen into speaking with as you only really talked to Elizabeth.

“Mr. Solomons sent me miss.” He gets out and your eyes go wide.

“What is it? What’s happened?” Fear sits fat in your throat at the rushed words.

“He has me run here when the coppers showed up at his house. They were takin' him away when I was running to you.”

“He was arrested? Why for?”

“I heard them saying he was a suspect in a murder case.”

“Oh fucking hell.” you mumble.

“Yeah.” the boy says nodding, standing back up straight now.

“He said to come find you to let you know.”

“And you don’t know anything else?”

“Fraid not.” He says with an apologetic glance. His voice breaks your rushing minds thoughts. “Are you gonna help him miss? If he gets put in jail I don’t know what’ll happen to my family. We live off what he pays me to be his eyes and ears right now

“I’m going to do everything I can to get him out of there.” You say, moving to grab a few pounds from your purse and giving them to him. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Thank you, Miss.” He says with a nod as he hops off the stairs and scurries away.

You phone the maid and tell her to come over, you dress and feed the baby and wait by the door.

Within a few hours, you’re in the police station acting calm and asking questions. Lying and saying you heard your husband caught someone big and you were here to congratulate him. People started talking without any inquisition. With an open file you’re told on the night of the murder he was seen. You ask which night, as you frequently took late night strolls and wanted to know when might be safer to do so. The night in question is the night you were at his home with him. This made you his alibi. This meant your confession was the only thing keeping Alfie Solomons from getting convicted of murder. Multiple witnesses were given, and that seemed awfully suspicious for a crime at night in an abandoned part of town. The whole thing read set up. Perhaps the black star wasn’t for Alfie in the ledger, but for the night when murder would be committed to frame him for. You weren’t sure if it was the influx of pregnancy hormones or the risk of losing him to a false claim but you dismiss yourself politely and go up the stairs to find your soon to be ex-husband.

You find Harold floating and looking very surprised as you walk around the corner.

“Rachel? What on earth are you doing here? Is their an emergency? You should have just called.” He begins.

“I heard you brought in Solomons finally.” You say flatly and he perks up.

“Oh yes come to congratulate the newest town hero have we?”

“May I speak with you for a moment? I’d like to hear what happened from you.”

“Oh, she lives for a bit of gossip.” He teases you and laughs with the other men.

You take him to a hallway to talk. And it would seem happenstance was all about you today as you chose the door to the room Alfie was in to talk in front of. He hears Harold blabbing on again, thinking he’s about to come in to gloat again.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news for you Harold.” You say flatly.

Alfie recognizes your voice immediately and he perks up.

“What’s that?” Harold asks

“He didn’t do it.” You respond in the same tone.

“What shite are you on about woman? Of course, he did it.”

“No, he didn’t. What are the chances of there being three eyewitnesses in an abandoned part of town in the middle of the night? The whole thing is a setup.”

“What do you know Rachel? Leave the police work to the men alright sweetie?” he spits out defensively, giving himself away.

“He has an alibi.” You say with more anger in your voice.

Alfie's eyes go wide as he stares at the door.

“What another child, another slag they’ve paid off to lie on his behalf?”

“No. A very reliable source.”

“And where are they? Why are you here and sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong? You should be at home minding your own bloody business and taking care of the baby.” he says with cold accusation.

Alfie was fuming at how he was speaking to you. Any bit of guilt he thought he might’ve had for sleeping with another man’s wife was gone.

“They’re here. And I’m not going to let you send an innocent man to jail.”

“INNOCENT?” He laughs in your face loudly. “Sweetie you don’t know Solomons from a hole in the ground and you want to speak on a known criminals innocence? Christ Rachel, are you affected in the head?”

“I do know Alfie.”

“On a first name basis are we?” He rolls his eyes and lets out a condescending groan. “What’d he do? Pay for your food at the market one day? Help you jump over a puddle and now you’re gonna claim he’s a good man? He kills people Rachel. He’s an evil and manipulative man who uses people to get what he wants.”

“And so are you.” You spit out

Alfie's brow shoots up and a smile appears on his face.

“Fucking WHAT did you say to me?” He hisses and Alfie hears you make a pained sound and growls.

“You kill people. You’ve done nothing but use me and you're incapable of love. I call that evil.” you angrily whisper.

“You’re as mad as a fucking hatter Rachel, my god. We’re going to call the doctor and see if we can get something to calm you down.”

“No. WE aren’t doing anything. YOU are going to release him because he wasn’t at the docks that night.”

“And what proof do you have?”

“My word.?

“And how would you know?”

“Because I was with him.” You say with such malice in your voice Alfie can feel it. His heart races for fear of what Harold might do and also from being proud and surprised.

“Don’t be daft you were in bed with me all night.”

“Was I? You never do so much as touch me so how would you even know?”

“Get the fuck in here.” he says roughly pulling you in the room Alfie was in. “Do you know this woman?” He asks him, holding you by the arm.

“I do.” He says calmly.

“And how do you know her?”

“Intimately.” He says with such gall it sends a fearful thrill up your spine. “We used to be sweethearts.” He adds.

“You used to fucking what?” He hisses, moving to hold your face tight by the chin.”Is this fucking true? And you better not lie to me because I’ll know!”

“I’m finished lying to you, Harold. Alfie and I were together for a very long time before I, unfortunately, decided to marry you.” you sass back.

“Watch your bloody mouth.” He leans in close.

“Or fuckin' what eh? You lay a hand on her and you’ll have more than framing me for murder to worry about.” Alfie says territorially from across the table, his arms shifting in the cuffs.

“You were with him the night the murder happened? Where were you?”

“At his house.”

“Why?” He says angrily and louder.

“To warn him about you coming after him.”

“You did what now?”

“I told him I thought you planned on coming for him soon.”

“And why the fuck would you do that?”

“Because I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him.” You say sternly. You take a deep breath and yank his hand off your face.

“The time frame on the murder is a few hours, you can’t cover all of that.”

Alfie lets out a deep chuckle from across the table. “You wanna bet?” He smirks.

Harold moves fast and strikes him across the face, grabbing him by the collar and shaking him.

“Stop it you brute! He didn’t do anything! I did” You hit Harold on the back.

“So’kay love, just love taps, this one has a temper innit he?” he spits out blood into the floor.

“Shut up!” He says slamming him into the chair and quickly turning to you.

“Harold I demand a divorce.” you say with a boldness Alfie recalls from your youth.

“You fuckin' what? YOU want to divorce me? After all I’ve done for you?”

“What the fuck have you done for me?!” your voice rises.

“A roof over your head, food on the table and a child for starters!”

“The baby was your idea if you recall! I never asked for it! And not like you were much help in making her with how long it took you to get me pregnant! You’re hardly a man at all!” You shout back and shove him and he slaps you across the face.

Alfie is on his feet in an instant but Harold pulls his gun on him.

“If you take one more step I will fucking shoot you and blame her.” He says glaring at you but speaking to Alfie as he stands still but doesn’t sit. “You’ve never been anything but a little bloody beggar girl have you? Cockney trash. Your mum was a slag your father was a criminal And you’re just the same aren’t you?”

“Better than being like you.” you spit out, rubbing your face.

“You were at his house for hours that night?”

“Yes.”

He takes a deep breath before he speaks “And what were you doing?”

“You already know the answer don’t you?” You say quietly. “Just cockney trash coming together how it should be eh?” You say with your accent coming through.

“You fucking didn’t.”

“I did before I met you and I did that night and I’ll do it again. I want a divorce Harold. I don’t love you. I don’t even like you. I tried. And I couldn’t. Do you know how bad that makes You? That not even I, with my criminal family and my storied past couldn’t manage to see the good in you?”

“And I suppose you think you love him instead?”

“I know I do.” You say getting in his face and Alfie has never been more proud. Or shocked for that matter. You kept your word. You figured something out. "So now you're left with a choice, Harold. You let him go, and no one finds out your wife was fucking a criminal while you slept, or you try to charge him and I'll scream the truth about how this is all a setup and how you're just a crooked as he is." you hiss.

He moves to Alfie and unlocks the cuffs “Get the fuck out of here.” he sighs. No one moves for a weighted moment. “ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?!” He screams and Alfie takes you by the hand and leaves without looking back. ------ A man was already waiting outside for him, and he pulls you into the car with him, which under normal circumstances would've been fine. But as his man pulls away fast and the motion triggers your nausea and your head starts to spin.

"Oh god I think I'm going to be sick." you groan, trying to steady yourself in the car and grabbing Alfie's knee.

"And rightfully so, love, you should'nt've had to even witness that let alone be handled in such a way." his hand rubs across your back to comfort you. You continue to breathe your nose and out your mouth, eyes shut and hands still tight against him. "Oh you mean actually sick?" he says with realization. "Oh hell, breathe love you're fine." he leans forward, pushing your hair out of your face. "I shouldn't have jostled you so, my apologies." he says softly, his hand still rubbing against your back.

In these few moments, you realize what he was doing was more than Harold had done to ease you during the entirety of your marriage. "Elizabeth. We need to go get the baby." you say as you flutter open your eyes.

"Drive on to her house, eh?" is all he has to say to the driver, and it hits you not only he, but this man who worked for him knew where you live. It said so much about how he'd spent your time apart.

You pull up and give no explanation, having him stay in the car as to not arouse suspicion. You gather a suitcase of your things, heirlooms and clothing, following with Elizabeth's, only bringing the things that couldn't be replaced, as you knew Alfie would have someone purchase the necessities for you. It all happens in a rush and being the well-tempered child, despite whos she was, Elizabeth doesn't pay much mind to the ruckus around her. You have your trunk put into the back of the car, Alfie taking the case of the baby's and placing it in the floor as he helps you into the car, sliding in quickly behind you. And like that, in a span of mere minutes, you'd left your husband, taken your baby and had everything important to you in your life within a close radius.

"'Ello little one." Alfie says, reaching out a finger to the wide eyed bundle in your lap.

She takes him in for a moment, a tilt of her head and prompt bubbling of spit from her lips that you chuckle and wipe away. She coos and lifts a hand out to grab his beard and give it a tug.

"Ah. Yes. Not used to one of those eh?" he asks, nose twitching as she tugs rapidly. You let out a chuckle, and how long had it been since you'd let yourself make that noise? As she brings her hands to his face, patting away at his cheeks as she explores the friendly stranger, you lean forward and kiss his temple. "What's the for love?" he asks, one eye shut so the baby doesn't blind him as he turns to you.

"For you," you say with a soft smile. "Is this alright Alfie? Me and the baby I mean? I'm coming to you with an awful lot of attachments." you say apologetically.

"And we'll handle them all." he says obviously. "I love you. Fully. You don't love parts of a person, darling. And it's not as if being with me is some walk in the park." he grins.

"I'll take all of you as well. Happily." you lean in to share a brief kiss and Elizabeth lets out a squeal and you both laugh before you pull away.

"She seems to approve." he says, wiggling his fingers as he explores his rings with her tiny hands.

"She's never seen me kiss a man before," you explain. "She seems to approve as much as I." another subtle upturning of your lips as you watch your baby chew away at his fingertips.

"Oh, my darling..." he says with a heavy sigh, making you turn to face him at the sadness of the tone. "What sort of loveless prison were you in my love?" he holds the side of your face and kisses you again, but this time the baby is distracted by the shiny rings. "I would have taken you from it if I had known." another chaste kiss. "Never again, Rachel." he whispers. "You'll be kissed every day and I'll make it a point she knows her mum is loved. Just the same as her."

"You really don't mind that she isn't yours?" you force out.

"She is yours. And that's all that matters to me. You." he says with a firm nod. ------ The night, Alfie comes back home, having things to settle and not wanting you to have to lift a finger. His maid helps you unpack, setting up space for you in his room and overtaking a guest room across the hall for the baby. His men bring in a bassinette and pram for you, the food you'd listed that she liked to eat and even a few dolls for good measure. You're breastfeeding a rather cheery baby, being very vocal as she smacks away at you while you softly tell her about the day you'd had.

"And that's why we're going to be living with Alfie now. Your mum is very happy about this and you should be too. I'm sure a happy mum will be much more pleasant to deal with compared to have I've acted as of late little one, and I am sorry for that." you sigh, brushing back the curls on her head.

"Certainly even on your worst days you were lovely." he announces his arrival from the doorway, now in hanging braces and only his loose shirt, untucked and billowing out from his trousers. "I got back as soon as I could love." he says quietly to not disturb the baby. He leans in as you tilt your head up to speak, and gives you a kiss. Something you weren't certain you'd ever get used to. "Did everyone take care of you this evening?" he asks, bending at the waist at your side, a warm and comforting hand on your back.

"They were all wonderful. Thank you, Alfie. Really. I can't say it enough to you."

"You don't have to say it at all." he smiles, a light tap to your chin after he cups the side of your face. You sit in silence as you watch Elizabeth suckle away, gurgling and happy, you wondered if she could feel the difference in the air, the calm and the care. "She's a rather good babe innit she? She's not been fussy a'tall." he muses.

"She is a good baby. Somehow quiet despite the environment she's been in up to this point. But she seems rather giggly today." you smile.

"Good," he states with a nod. "And what of you dear?" he asks, the back of his hand brushing against your forehead. "Ida said you were sick today. Or has the excitement of it all gotten to you?"

"It did but..." you shake your head, a lump rising in your throat. "I have been upset by a few things. Mostly from Harold." you frown.

"Wasn't it you that called him barely a man? You mustn't worry about a thing like him any longer." he shakes his head.

"Well I called him that for a reason..." you begin softly, Alfie can see the change in your face.

"Do go on, love." he says, pulling a stationary chair up to your rocking one, taking your hand to listen. Your stomach flutters, and even though it was too soon for such a thing, it was as if the second little one knew it was home.

"He'd said terrible things of me, accused me of nasty things while we were trying to conceive. And I was always told I was the problem. That it was my fault." You feel his grip tighten on your hand, likely from anger. "But I've come to find that I was never the problem." you say with a shaky breath, turning to look at him, your eyes bright in the dim light of the room as he tilts his head at you in question.

“And how’s that, darling?" he asks, eyes narrowing slightly.

“Because you and I slept together only once and I got pregnant.” you rasp out.

His eyes go wide and he looks at you and your puppy eyes, large with worry. “You...what now?” he rapidly blinks.

“I’m pregnant.” You say clearly.

He sits up straight. “Are you Bloody serious?” he whispers, eyes shifting from your stomach to your face. His other hand moves to wrap around your one, leaning in closer to you as if a further inspection of your honest face might give him more answers.

“Entirely.” you swallow noisily.

“And you're sure its-“ his chin lowers.

“Yours. Yes. Couldn’t be anyone else’s." you shake your head slowly.

He lets out a heavy sigh and furrows his brow. He releases your hand with one of his, moving it place it on your stomach that wasn't covered by the baby in your lap. “We decided to make up for lost time dinnit we?” He says, his eyes moving back up to yours.

“Apparently so." you watch his face, looking for anything negative, but you don't find it. "Although I can't bring myself to mind it.” you whisper, leaning in closer to him.

“Neither can I, love.” He shakes his head. "More than a bit of a shock though innit?" he huffs out an amused sound before taking a moment to look at your face. He leans in and kisses you, you feel the heat of his hand through your dress to your stomach, fingers moving ever so slightly as if he might feel something. “I do love you." he whispers, forehead against yours.

"And I you." you smile back, eyes shut and letting yourself be emersed in the feeling of affection.

"And I'll love this little one here." he pats your stomach. "And I'll love this little one here." he nods to the baby in your arms, he promises. "So may I ask you, in the spirit of making us a family, of making you and them mine... would you have any interest in pushing forward this rather unconventional romance?” he asks, a smirk falling across his face.

"Nothing about us has ever been traditional." you grin. "So why start now?" you shrug.

“It would seem proper, with there being a new little one coming into the world because 'a me 'n all...would you like to get married? As soon as your divorce is final?”

“You...really?" you ask, and the surprise in your face almost breaks his heart, why wouldn't he want to keep you forever?

“Yes. How could I not be? I can’t lose you again.” He says more serious.

"I'm not leaving you again." you shake your head and your lashes flutter with emotion, you reach out to cup his cheek. "I spent all my time worrying about you when I was somewhere else. Despite leaving you because I didn't want to worry." you huff out a soft laugh. "I'd rather worry and be with you than be anywhere else, Alfie. I'm sorry I had to learn that lesson the hard way." you whisper, an apologetic smile tugs at your lips.

"The past doesn't matter anymore, love." he shakes his head, holding your soft palm to his rough cheek. "All that matters now is the future," he states with more certainty than you feel. "And I'd love that future to be one where we're together. We'll make yours and mine one, Rachel. You can finally be my little missus like I used to tease you about bein' when we was younger, yeah? My little Rachel Solomons. My wife. Mother of my children."

"Love of your life." you whisper back the sweet words he used to promise you years ago. After you'd make love in your tiny flat, on your uncomfortable bed, he'd twist your ring finger and tell you how one day he'd be able to buy you a ring, he'd tell you everything you wanted to hear from a man and you'd taken it for granted then. But you didn't plan on ever doing that again.

"Always. I meant it when we's young and I mean it more now knowing what the world is like." his eyes don't hold that whimsy they had the last time he'd said these things to you, but that made it more reassuring to you, more honest. "I love you. Let me be with you so I can take care of you, darling. You deserve that and more. Let me be the one to give that to you." he asks, kissing the palm of your hand as your fingers gently stroked his face.

"I love you, Alfie. Of course, I'll marry you." you say with a smile.

"I will go and get the ring come morning then." he says before leaning in to kiss you again.

Elizabeth interrupts you with a tiny snore from your breast to let you know she's fallen asleep as you laugh against Alfie's lips while he kisses you. You chuckle and pull away. "Let me put her to bed." you whisper and kiss his cheek, placing her in the new crib with her favorite blanket and toy you'd brought with you.

"She looks just like you, love." Alfie says, standing behind you, arms slowly wrapping around your waist and head resting on your shoulder. "And if we're lucky this one will too." he chuckles, kissing the side of your head, hands splayed across your stomach. "Are you ready for bed love? You must be exhausted after the day you've had on top of caring for her and cookin' up my little one, yeah? I've been told by my mother the Solomons babies will exhaust you long before they're born, I'm afraid."

"Lucky I've been taking care of one for a good chunk of my life then, hmmm?" you laugh quietly and turn in his arms. He's warmed to his bones at the sound of it and the sight of you without tension on your face, as he'd only seen you with a veil of worry for so many years.

"Oh there she is." a warm smile appears on his face. "There's the funny little girl I fell in love with. Givin' me hell from the start." he laughs as he holds you close and kisses you.

"And you want me to give you hell forever. What does that say about you?" you hum contently.

"That I'm hopelessly in love with you." he answers. "Come now love. Let's get us to bed. We've got a new life to start together come morning."

"And what if all this love talk has made me not want to sleep?" you say with a cheeky smile.

"Then I will give you whatever you want of me, my love. Tonight and the rest of the nights hereafter."

@fangirlfreakingout @jaegeeeeer @cosettewinchester @lookuptheskyisfalling-blog @brianaisasongbird @cry5t4l-w4rri0r @iliveonchocolateandnetflix @jess2464 @hardygal69 @thegarrisonpublichouse @a-flock-of-angry-pigeons @pootle @negansdirtygirl22 @musingsby-night @wtf-is-wrong-with-this @shine-dont-shadow @vale0413 @lafayettes-baguettes-1 @sxlomons @aphnxrising @emerald-bijou @elaenom @give-jack-a-lightsaber @anrm1 @ultrablackwidower @tinastarkandco @arrowswithwifi  

I just tagged everyone who is tagged in my other Alfie fic, Choking On Sapphires. 

[profoundnet]

Profound Member Post - June 2019

Header by @cryptomoon​​​ and is available on merch from her redbubble store. You can use all those fancy emojis (and more!) on our Discord Server!

The Masterpost is open for all creations by ProfoundBond members which are posted in entirely during that month.

MEMBER CONTRIBUTIONS FOR JUNE 2019!

Masterpost below the cut.

MaggieMaybe160 - @maggiemaybe160​ - MaggieMaybe160

Say Yes

Endverse!Dean's life is going pretty well with Endverse!Cas until Dean's past self shows up. A look at the episode "The End" from Season 5 from Endverse!Dean's point of view.

Tags: Canon Major Character Death

SFW

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CR Noble - @cr-noble-writes​ - CR Noble

Truth or Dare

Truth or Dare seemed like a good way to pass the time until they had to go after Lucifer. After everyone else fell asleep, the game turns naughty between Dean and Castiel. Created for the Lusty Lexis and SPN Kink bingo challenges

Tags: canon-compliant, first time, pwp, top!cas, bottom!dean

NSFW

Falling Apart

Sword & Cross Resident Rehabilitation is a last-ditch effort for Dean Winchester to move past the drug and drinking problems he developed to bury his guilt over the fire that killed his brother. Not to mention the wild visions and smoky, sentient shadows that have plagued him his entire life. It's supposed to be the best Savannah has to offer, but one look at the crumbling tile floors and dangling crown mouldings, and Dean has his doubts. Enter Castiel Novak. He’s rude, aloof, and a total dick from the moment they lay eyes on each other but Dean can’t help but feel a mysterious connection to the man. Maybe he really has lost his mind. But when Castiel starts making appearances in Dean’s vivid visions of the past, he knows there is more to their link than meets the eye. Even if Cas keeps telling him otherwise. It seems everyone at Sword & Cross knows what’s going on except for Dean. Trying to conquer his mountain of guilt and doubt and figure out the connection he is certain he shares with Castiel is only made harder by the “accidents” that seem to follow him. Not to mention his attraction to Gadreel. Whatever secret Castiel is trying so hard to keep, Dean knows he has to uncover it. Written for SPN Movie Big Bang 2019

Tags: past Dean/Lucifer, Dean/Gadreel, rehab au, flashbacks, vivid dreams, ptsd, minor character death, sam is dead when fic starts, slow burn, suicidal ideation

SFW

Washed Up Souls

Castiel has wandered the Earth for millennia, hiding from Heaven and looking for a soulmate he shouldn’t have. All he has to go on is the phrase written on his forearm: the last thing he’ll hear his soulmate say before they die. He’s living as a human on the outskirts of New Orleans when Hurricane Katrina hits and he hears that phrase in a prayer. Dean Winchester never bothered searching for his soulmate. Then, after a hunt, he wakes up in a strange bed with a serious wound and no recollection of how he got there. And there’s a strange, but really attractive, guy taking care of him. As the days pass and the two men learn more about each other, Castiel realizes his feelings for Dean. But what will it take for Dean to admit his own feelings for Cas? Written for the Dean Cas Reverse Bang 2019

Tags: temporary MCD, soulmate au, openly bi dean, demi cas, canon-divergent pre pilot, hurrican katrina, major character injury

SFW

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LeafZelindor - @leafzelindor

Art for “Beyond”

Art created for the SPN movie bang fic "Beyond"

Tags: Destiel, AU, Star Trek

SFW

Created for @snarkysnartes fic Beyond. 

Profound Prose - Pride

Pride picture done for Profound Poses. Wings all around.

Tags: destiel, pride

SFW

Art post for "Don't Be So Charming"

My contribution to Pie Darling's SpN movie bang fic "Don't be so Charming" 

Tags: Destiel, AU

SFW

Made for PieDarling’s fic “Don’t be so Charming”

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weldersmightyb - @weldersmightyb - weldersmightyb

Hurts So Good

Part of Dean/Cas Reverse Bang 2019 - Fic in Response to Anyrei's wonderful art! What will happen when Dean and Cas are both human and in bad places in their lives? Through the pining, angst, tears, and happiness, Dean tries to heal Cas, but Cas does just as much for Dean when they both give into the desires that have been ignored for far too long. Follow them through their stupid pining, a cute mini-case where Cas becomes a rock god, and so much pain. Trust me, the journey will be worth the tears.

Tags: No Archive Warnings Apply, Hurt/Comfort, Case Fic, Hospitalisation, Dean Winchester Whump, Rock Star Castiel (Supernatural), Grief/Mourning, Angst with a Happy Ending 

NSFW

Written for the DCRB in response to @anyreiart ‘s art.

Three Men and a Baby. Well, Two Men, an Angel, an Archnephilim, an Archangel, a Witch, and a Baby, But Who's Counting Anymore?

Spells make Dean nervous. That's just common knowledge. Especially when they make Cas drop to the ground unconscious. But once Gabriel shows up with more information, Dean has to question whether this spell is actually a bad thing. A quick ficlet in response to kuwlshadow's wonderful art.

Tags: No Archive Warnings Apply, Fluff, Mpreg but not really, Alternate Season/Series 14, Team Free Will 2.0 (Supernatural), Gabriel Joins Team Free Will (Supernatural), Rowena too, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester

SFW

Written for the DCRB in response to @kuwlshadow‘s art. 

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JessJessTheBest - @saywhatjessie - JessJessTheBest

Bold Defiance 

“You, Bold Defiance?” Dean rolled his eyes. “You are so predictable.” Castiel had been operating as ‘Bold Defiance,’ evil super-villain, for most of his life. It was the same thing, day after day: scheming, magicking, and getting inevitably foiled by The Guardian: the city’s acting superhero and Castiel’s childhood rival, Anna. It was a comfortable if not altogether productive routine. The periodic kidnapping of journalist, Dean Winchester, didn’t hurt. But what happens when one side actually wins? What does a person do when the person who opposed them, the person who defined them, is gone?

Tags: wing!fic, superhero au, Technically an alien au, journalist!dean, character death but not really, arcane magic, Jack being cute, an extreme indictment of the prison system

SFW

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Jdragon122 - @jdragon122 - Jdragon122

Art for “Giant, Anguish, Danger”

Art for SPN Movie Big Bang

Tags: jdragonart, the ritual movie, horror monster, blood, malmuses, horror fic, spn fan art

SFW

Made for @malmuses fic “Giant, Anguish, Danger”

DCRB - Sea Serpahim 

Art for the Dean Cas Reverse Bang 2019

Tags: creature!cas, marine biologist!dean, jdragonart, dcrb, supernatural, spn fanart, castiel, dean winchester

SFW 

In collaboration with @saltnhalo (fic)

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nickelkeep - @nickelkeep - nickelkeep

Scribere Jussit Amor 

When a case involving angels pops up, Sam needs a book from Cas' room and asks Dean to get it. After a quick phone call with Cas, and making sure he has the red book, written purely in Enochian, Dean's sure the brothers are ready to go. Except, Sam has now translated Cas' journal, leaving Dean to face some very harsh truths when it comes to a particular Angel of the Lord.

Tags: canon fic, diary/journal fic, canon temporary MCD, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV Alternating, implied/referenced alcohol abuse, implied/referenced suicide attempt, Sam Ships It

SFW

Made for the DeanCas Reversebang with art by @dmsilvisart

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SoloArcana - @soloarcana - SoloArcana

Sassy Castiel Vacations

The first time it happened, it took Castiel 34 hours to get back to the bunker. The second and third times took half that. By the fourth time, he thought it was time to teach Dean a lesson. Castiel stayed gone for a week. When he walked back into the bunker, Dean met him at the foot of the stairs. "Where the hell have you been, Cas?"

Tags: Dean's Daisy Dukes, Crop Top Dean, Inspired by Tumblr, Snark, Glitter, No major archive/trigger warnings

SFW

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phoenix_michie - phoenix-michie

Run To Him

Being a sheriff is all Dean Winchester has ever wanted. He loves his job, the town, and the people living in it. When a new guy moves into the neighborhood, Dean’s beloved townspeople are quick to talk and the rumors start to spread. As a new substitute teacher at the local High School, Castiel Novak attracts not only the attention of his neighbors, but also of the parents and the kids at the school. As complaints start to pour in at the station, Dean dutifully deals with them—and with Castiel, not knowing that this man is only trying to find his peace and quiet, trying to escape his past, but leading it right into Dean’s town.

Tags: Past Castiel/April Kelly, Sheriff Dean Winchester, Teacher Castiel (Supernatural), Canon-Typical Violence, Explicit Sexual Content, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Mentions of Suicide Attempt, Stalking

NSFW 

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insomnia - insomnia 

The Colour of Black

Dean Winchester wakes up in hospital bruised, broken and mostly blind with little memory of how he ended up there. To the people he saved he's a hero, to none more so than the dorky guy with the amazing voice who visits every day and doesn't seem to want to leave.

Tags: AU - Soulmates, Pseudoscience, Injured Dean Winchester, Oblivious Dean Winchester, Fluff, Falling in Love, Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, First Meetings

SFW

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Wargurl83 - @wargurl83 - wargurl83 (Pillowfort)

HUMANS ARE WEIRD, A Space-Pack Bonding Story

Humans have made it to the stars, and they really will pack bond with anything. This is the story of how Dean built his own little family in space. Written for the 2019 Dean/Cas Reverse Bang.

Tags: Destiel in space, Humans Are Weird, Humans will pack-bond anything, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction

SFW 

A Symphony of Flavors 

Master Chef Castiel Novak likes his life ordered. Controlled. Sensible. He's an Alpha with no mate and no hope of finding one. His life is turned upside down with the death of his sister and taking guardianship of his nine-year-old niece, Claire. Add to that, there's a new sous chef taking up space in his very orderly kitchen with his loud music and brash attitude, and for some reason Castiel just can't take his eyes off him. Dean Winchester loves to cook, love his mom, and loves kids. His goal has been to work with Chef Novak for as long as he's been in Kansas City. What he wasn’t prepared for was an Alpha all of his own…

Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chefs, Alpha Castiel (Supernatural), Omega Verse

Made in collaboration with @foxymoley‘s art

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Darmys - @darmysasagiri - Darmys 

Gone in 60 Seconds

Convinced by his mother walk away from his life, and save his younger brother, Dean left Seattle six years ago. Only to be told on a Monday, Sam’s taken a job from Richard Roman: Local stolen-car broker, and all-round bad guy. And Sam’s fumbled the job. Now Dean has until 8am Friday morning to get 50 high-end cars on a container ship, or Roman will kill Sam. Starring: Dean Winchester as Memphis Raines Sam Winchester as Kip Raines and Baby as Eleanor.

Tags: AU-Movie, Referenced Cas/Others, Cars, Fast Cars, Stealing Fast Cars, Underage Drinking, Vomiting, Cole Dies, Bad Language, SPNMBB 2019

SFW

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supernatural9917 

Boy Next Door

Castiel's hot, young, new neighbour is going to drive him crazy... Written for the Destiel Smut Bingo 2018. Square fill: Getting caught

Tags: Twink Dean Winchester, Older Castiel, Castiel and Dean Winchester are Neighbors, Dean is a Tease, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Age Difference

NSFW

In Flagrante Delicto

Cas gets home earlier than expected and catches Dean enjoying himself to a familiar video... A Red Carpet Chronicles Timestamp, and also fills the Destiel Smut Bingo 2018 square: Making a sex tape.

Tags: Red Carpet Chronicles, Alternate Universe - Actors, Masturbation, Castiel catches Dean during his alone time, Dean doesn't mind, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester

NSFW

Made in collaboration with @delicious-irony

Riteousness Rides Agayn: the Further Adventures of the Riteous man and his Avenging Angel

Infamous highwaymen The Riteous Man and The Avenging Angel are better known to their neighbours as brothers Daniel and Castor Smith, and to their friends as secret lovers Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak. After recovering from a near-fatal accident, Dean is ready to ride again, and their target is the wealthy and cruel Lord Talbot. With a bit of help from their friends, blacksmith Benny Lafitte and grocer Gabriel Speight, The Riteous Man and The Avenging Angel will ride again.

Tags: Alternate Universe - Historical, Restoration England, Highwaymen, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean/Cas Reverse Bang 2019

NSFW

Made in collaboration with @pimentogirl

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NadiaHart - @hartlessfiction - NadiaHart

Soother

Dean’s been a regular Soother at the maternity ward in Brodstone Memorial Hospital for a few years now. He comes in late, after work; after dinner and dessert been served and put away. After everyone's asleep and no one can ask probing, annoying, little brother-esque questions about what he’s doing and why he’s given up on finding his own mate–his own pack. He likes it, volunteering at the hospital, where’s he’s needed, it soothes something inside of him. He sincerely hopes that he's helping these pups just as much as they're helping him. And right now, that’s all he’s willing to ask for.

Tags: Alpha!Cas, Omega!Dean, meet-cute, True-mates, fluff, scents.

SFW

Art for Anarchy 

Artwork for Anarchy- a DCRB fiction by NeonBat

Tags: Shirtless Cage Fighter Dean Winchester. SFW

Made in collaboration with @neonbat666‘s fic

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thatpeculiarone - @ilovetodreamx - thatpeculiarone

Disambiguation 

It happened in a split second.

One minute, Dean was looking at him - the next, he was on the floor a few feet away.

Dean is attacked by a witch on a hunt, causing him to fall comatose and his memories to be erased. Dean spends his time unconscious reliving his life, building memories back together and seeing things from a new perspective. Meanwhile, Cas and Sam race the clock in order to try and save Dean, with many dead ends along the way. As time begins to run out, Cas realises it may be too late for him to tell Dean how he truly feels.

Cue: An angsty two-weeks in the Men of Letters bunker.

Tags: AU - Canon Divergence, Witchcraft, Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, Memory Loss, Hunt Gone Wrong, Hurt/Comfort.

SFW

Made in collaboration with @pallasperilous‘s art! 

[goingknowherewastaken]

Divine Me A Masterpiece Challenge

♦ About

Welcome to my 1000 follower challenge!!! With there being a lot of seasonal challenges right now I thought I’d do something a little different. I thought that maybe we should get in touch with magic that’s in the air right now ;)

So for this challenge we are looking at tarot! First I’ll go over the rules and expectations, then gloss over tarot, and finally round out this post with the characters and prompts. So let’s get started :D

♦ Rules

To Enter

You must apply through my ask box so no anons. If you are using a side blog and don’t want your main shown to the world tell me so in the ask and I will not post it publicly. 

Every entry needs to be inspired by a Major Arcana card and must be focused on a character or ship I listed.

Each card is limited to one person!

Entries must be sent by ask and will be posted publicly!

I have bonus prompts listed at the bottom of this post; you need to use at least one (1) and you are limited to three (3) total! Sentence prompts are all first come, first serve! The majority of the AU prompts have a two person limit.

What your ask should include - the tarot card you wish to claim, the character or ship you wish to write for, and 1-3 of the prompts/AUs I have listed (You need to use at least one from the list).

All angst must have a happy ending and no cis-swapping.

I am accepting - fics, fan art, moodboards, edits, and playlists (you need to make a cover for it).

Note: I work second shift so please don’t panic if I don’t respond in the afternoon/evening hours.

November 24th, 2018 - I currently am just shy of 1000 followers and will not be posting a due date for these until I get 1000 followers. I will tag all who entered when that happens.

When Posting Your Work

All entries are due on February 22nd, 2019. Please do not post before then.

Make sure to list - the character/ship you wrote for, any warnings, and if it is nsfw.

Tell me how you interpreted the card for your work.

Make sure to tag me @goingknowherewastaken and @jiminthestreets-bonesinthesheets (Ashley is my assistant during this challenge)

Please use this tag within the first 5 tags - #DivineMeAMasterpieceChallenge

If your work contains nsfw content please make sure to tag it accordingly.

Please send me the link to your work through my ask box!

♦ About Tarot

We’ve all seen the decks of cards with beautiful designs used for helping find possible answers to questions we may have, but not everyone knows what’s going on with them. I will gloss over the bare minimum of info here, but I encourage you all to read up on tarot if you are unfamiliar with it.

Tarot cards are used for uncovering possible answers to questions we have about our lives - from love to career. Cards can be drawn and placed in a certain layout (spread) and are then read in a specific order. They are meant for enlightenment and what they tell in the spread is not set in stone - they are cards and you can ignore their take if you wish.

There are two ways to read the cards depending on how they appear in a spread - upright and reversed (upside down). If the card is revealed to be right-side up you are to read the card as is and if it is reversed then it’s meaning is reversed.

Depending on the deck, the description of the card can vary slightly, but overall they are similar. Also, the meaning behind the card is affected by the other cards in the spread. For this challenge you will only have to worry about the card you selected.

Because there are in total 78 cards in a standard deck (divided between the Major Arcana and the Minor Arcana), we will only be using the Major Arcana which totals 22 cards.

Please read up more on the card you select!!!!!

The Tarot Cards (the words listed are just brief overviews of the cards that I gathered from Biddy Tarot)

Fool - @haveyouseenmymind 

Upright - beginnings, innocence, spontaneity, a free spirit

Reversed - naivety, foolishness, recklessness, risk-taking

The Magician

Upright - power, skill, concentration, action, resourcefulness

Reversed - manipulation, poor planning, latent talents

High Priestess - @frostingsfics 

Upright - intuition, higher powers, mystery, subconscious mind

Reversed - hidden agendas, need to listen to inner voice

The Empress

Upright - fertility, femininity, beauty, nature, abundance

Reversed - creative block, dependence on others

The Emperor

Upright - authority, father-figure, structure, solid foundation

Reversed - domination, excessive control, rigidity, inflexibility

Hierophant - @bsotstory 

Upright - religion, group identification, conformity, tradition, beliefs

Reversed - restriction, challenging the status quo

Lovers - @the-goddamn-queen 

Upright - love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices

Reversed - disharmony, imbalance, misalignment of values

Chariot

Upright - control, will power, victory, assertion, determination

Reversed - lack of control and direction, aggression

Strength

Upright - strength, courage, patience, control, compassion

Reversed - weakness, self-doubt, lack of self-discipline

Hermit - @auduna-druitt 

Upright - soul-searching, introspection, being alone, inner guidance

Reversed - isolation, loneliness, withdrawal

Wheel of Fortune - @kjs-s

Upright - good luck, karma, life cycles, destiny, a turning point

Reversed - bad luck, negative external forces, out of control

Justice

Upright - justice, fairness, truth, cause and effect, law

Reversed - unfairness, lack of accountability, dishonesty

Hanged Man

Upright - suspension, restriction, letting go, sacrifice

Reversed - martyrdom, indecision, delay

Death - @captainsbabysitter-blog 

Upright - endings, beginnings, change, transformation, transition

Reversed - resistance to change, unable to move on

Temperance

Upright - balance, moderation, patience, purpose, meaning

Reversed - imbalance, excess, lack of long-term vision

Devil - @bookcaseninja

Upright - bondage, addiction, sexuality, materialism

Reversed - detachment, breaking free, power reclaimed

Tower - @haveyouseenmymind 

Upright - disaster, upheaval, sudden change, revelation

Reversed - avoidance of disaster, fear of change

Star - @filatarcangelus

Upright - hope, spirituality, renewal, inspiration, serenity

Reversed - lack of faith, despair, discouragement

Moon - @resistance-is-futile81

Upright - illusion, fear, anxiety, insecurity, subconscious

Reversed - release of fear, unhappiness, confusion

Sun - @and-i-cant-resurrect-you 

Upright - fun, warmth, success, positivity, vitality

Reversed - temporary depression, lack of success

Judgement 

Upright - judgement, rebirth, inner calling, absolution

Reversed - self-doubt, refusal of self examination

World  

Upright - completion, integration, accomplishment, travel

Reversed - lack of completion, lack of closure

♦ Characters And Ships

Characters (for reader inserts)

Jim Kirk (AOS)

Leonard McCoy (AOS)

Spock (AOS)

Scotty (AOS or TOS)

Steve Trevor

Steve Rogers

Bucky Barnes

Clint Barton

Bruce Banner

Thor

Peter Quill

Skurge

Owen Grady (Jurassic World)

Nicholas Devereaux (The Princess Diaries 2)

Cinderella’s Prince (Into The Woods)

Bernie Webber (The Finest Hours)

Jack Ryan (Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit)

Toby Howard (Hell Or High Water)

FDR Foster (This Means War)

Dr. Alex Murray (A Wrinkle In Time)

Robert the Bruce (Outlaw King)(I can’t help it he’s too precious with Elizabeth!!)

Eomer

Vaako (The Chronicles of Riddick)

Gavin (Pete’s Dragon)

William Cooper (RED)

John Kennex (Almost Human)

Vincent Stevens (The Loft)

Kirill (The Bourne movies)

Ships

McKirk

WonderTrev

Jim Kirk x Eomer

Jim Kirk x Vaako

Jim Kirk x Scotty (Scirk)

Owen Grady x Charlie Weasley (from Harry Potter)(I know no one will use this ship but I have to have hope ya know?)

WonderKirk

Napollya (Napoleon Solo x Illya Kuryakin from (T.M.F.U.)

Merthur

I have expressed interest in other crossfandom ships in the past that involve one (or some) of the characters listed above so if you have an ship in mind ask me about it and I may grant an exception to it (no sp*rk though so don’t even try that)

♦ Other Prompts

Sentence Prompts (gathered from around tumblr)

“I…think I’m in love?” - @the-goddamn-queen 

“Are you scared? Don’t be. ‘ll protect you from today onwards.” @haveyouseenmymind

“It’s crazy, isn’t it? Two complete strangers who know nothing about each other being brought together like this.”

your car slid into a snowbank and i’m the mechanic that comes to tow you

i hate the holidays more than anything in the world and you drive me nuts because you love the holidays more than anything in the world and this is why we aren’t friends (enemies to friends to lovers hello)

i’m constantly dragging all my friends to your hockey games because i think you’re so much fun to watch and i don’t think you’ll ever notice me

you knit me a sweater for christmas and i realize i am in love with you @bsotstory 

your birthday lands on christmas so no one ever remembers except this year i’ve asked everyone to delay their holidays to throw you a proper birthday bash

I build a fort in the college courtyard and have been throwing snowballs at people passing by and you are not impressed

our first date is spent walking around our small town holding hands and talking as soft snow falls around us @resistance-is-futile81 

I mean life is full of surprises. You could find the love of your life tomorrow, but you could also wake up bald. @the-goddamn-queen 

Will you press pause on your SHIT for 5 minutes? @the-goddamn-queen 

“Let’s not confuse healthy eating with a hot dog.”

“I’m gonna lay down and die for like a half hour okay?”  @auduna-druitt

“So MacGyvering this out of my tuckus right now.” @captainsbabysitter-blog 

“I just did some calculations, and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of shit.” @frostingsfics 

“You screw with me, I’ll screw with you.”

“i’m pretty good at providing distractions.”

“Why is there a picture of Steve Buscemi in your bathroom?!”

“These stars are nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in your eyes.”

“Are you ready to dance with the devil?” @bookcaseninja

hey i just moved into the house next door and i just wanted to let you know that your dog keeps getting into my yard an - wait what? what do you mean that’s a cat????? that’s not a cat it’s fucking huge!!!! (turns out it is a cat, it’s just really big and fat) @haveyouseenmymind 

The postal worker delivered your package to my place accidentally and I was expecting something so I totally didn’t look before I opened it and… wow that is um… quite an interesting thing you bought and I’m here to return it

our dogs are in love with each other and it’s making things awkward at the dog park AU

I injured myself doing something stupid at a holiday party and you’re the doctor at the emergency clinic AU

I just moved into a new apartment and went to buy groceries, but I bought more than I could carry back. I’ve stopped to catch my breath when I hear someone asking if I need help and I look up and the sun is literally making you glow like a damn angel. @and-i-cant-resurrect-you 

where one person is actually famous and sets up a dating account with their real picture and the other sees it and is like, oh dude you are not fooling anyone with that picture and when they actually meet the other is pissed because DUDE YOU’RE THAT FAMOUS PERSON and the other is like, yeah, i mean, i thought you knew…

i have a soft spot for cats so i always feed the fat one that’s always hanging out in the hall with treats and now it started hanging around me fuck i’m so sorry i didn’t mean to accidentally steal your pet @filatarcangelus

“ur just a random stranger and i’ve been ranting to you for like 20 minutes about how much i hate this one band but now several groups of people came up to you asking for pics and autographs, and oh shit it turns out you’re in the band i’ve been going on about” au

You’re a famous viner and I constantly witness you doing the weirdest things AU

“I went to see you live in concert and was front row and you went into the crowd and I grabbed your hand, but started freaking out so much that I was touching you that I couldn’t let go to the point where security had to physically tear me away from you and now you’ve invited me backstage literally what” AU

AU Prompts (each of these (baring the Soulmate AU) has a two person limit)

Soulmate AU (there will be no limitations on this prompt) - @frostingsfics 

A/B/O AU

Shop AU -

Book shop,

flower shop,

bakery,

coffee shop/cafe,

ice cream shop,

boutique/antique store

Professors/Teachers AU

Wings AU - @bookcaseninja 

Supernatural Creature(s) AU

vampires,

werewolves,

fey,

shapeshifters,

Ghosts,

demons,

Angels

merpeople

Magic/HP AU - @haveyouseenmymind 

Celebrity/Famous Face/Hollywood AU

Fake Relationship AU - @captainsbabysitter-blog 

Youtuber/Viner AU

Circus AU - @kjs-s 

Roommates AU - @auduna-druitt

Historical AU

Fairy Tail/Disney AU

Spy/Secret Agent AU

Royalty AU - @and-i-cant-resurrect-you 

Classic Novel Pride & Prejudice AU

Tagging those interested: @musicmandy1991 (tumblr won’t let me tag you????) @haveyouseenmymind @outside-the-government @tardisoftheshire @bookcaseninja @miraclesoflove @exiledtime @cynically-optomistic @frostedej