#wait one more thing... did you ever wonder why most destiel or dean or cas primary focus blogs spend so little time talking about sam?

[mittensmorgul]

:’D

[sortasirius]

“Despair” and Dean and Cas

Well well well, winning is my favorite thing.

As usual, this is going to be as long as hell. And fair warning, it’s extremely emotional.

So here it is, the thing that we have been barrelling towards for years, literally years.

Just want to point out this.  Also, I will NEVER allow someone to speak negatively about this writing group, EVER.

Team Free Dads starting off the episode is so sweet, so scary.  Cas’ calming, Dean’s fear, Sam’s desperation, really just hammering home how much they love Jack, how his pain is pain for them, how losing him is unbearable.

“I can’t stop this.  I’m coming apart.  I don’t want to hurt you.  Don’t let me hurt you.”

Oof.  If you’ve ever question whether Jack is a Winchester, this line should shut that shit down for you.

When I tell you I was PISSED when Billie sent Jack to the Empty to EXPLODE?????  PAIN.

“Yeah the Empty can’t come to earth, not without being summoned.”

Hello Bobo, clue number 1.

The fact that they only had Jack in limbo for like five seconds was great for my heart health, thank u very much Bobo.

Also Dean wielding Death’s scythe?????? KING?????

Man, Sam and Dean’s growth.  The way that they’re able to, idk, actually speak on how they feel without death looming or fear or pain.  It’s just a conversation, just an honest conversation of Dean admitting his mistakes, admitting how he felt.  Admitting that he fucked up, and Sam forgiving him for it.

CHARLIE AND HER GF CHARLIE AND HER GF CHARLIE AND HER GF

Also...hunters and their “dates.”  Two hunters who are happily together, who are happily fighting monsters.  Hm.  Sounds like a Saileen/Destiel parallel to me boys.

You ever wish Cas would look and the mirror and take the great advice he gives others?  Because I do.  He’s always tried to be “useful” for Sam and Dean, for Jack, always tried to make sure that he’s useful enough that they keep him around.  But what he doesn’t understand, what he’s never understood, is that they need him because of who he is, not because of what he contributes.

Remind y’all of anything?

And here we have Clue Number 2

And then, Sam’s realization.  Eileen.

Did I begin full tilt screaming no in my apartment when he said her name?  Who’s to say?

How can a lock screen cause me this much pain????

Okay but: Charlie loses Stevie, Sam loses Eileen.  Clue Number 3.

I feel like I don’t talk enough about how much Sam loves Eileen.  About how obvious it is that they are endgame, about how happy he is when he talks about her.  This just feels like a blow to the stomach, but we’ve barely even started.

Sam immediately shifting into protective leader mode?  He is the love of my life.

Dean’s simple nod, like it’s a given?  Enough to do me in right there.

This is another episode where it’s just so clear that Sam is the leader of the North American hunters.  Everyone knows him, everyone is willing to follow him.  He’s knowledgeable and kind and fair and just and an incredibly capable fighter.  Once again, I don’t believe his work on earth is done.

Can we also please talk about how FRIGHTENING IT WAS for Jack to kill that plant???  I don’t really have much of a comment on it because I was literally just like ?????

With Billie saying that it’s Chuck, the way that people were dusted, very similar to Becky and Amara, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised, especially with Donna getting taken off the board.  It’s like I said last week, I don’t buy that he’s taken himself off the board, he’s too invested in the unraveling of this story to take a step back.  He’s gotta break them before he can defeat them, that’s the only way.

And here we go, into one of the most painful and surreal things I will ever write about.

Dean’s speech.  His guilt, his regret.  The shame of not only trapping himself, but the pain, the horror of trapping Cas.

“I just lead us into another trap.  All because I, I couldn’t hurt Chuck.  Because I was angry and because I just needed something to kill, and because that’s all I know how to do.”

“Dean-”

“It was Chuck all along.  We never should have left Sam and Jack, we should be there with them now.  Everybody’s gonna die, Cas.  Everybody.  I can’t stop it.”

His narrative arc.  Tied up in a bow.

“She’s gonna get through that door.”

“I know.”

“And she’s gonna kill you and then she’s gonna kill me.  I’m sorry.”

Cas smiles.

Cas knows.  He knows what’ll get them out of this, and he knows that he would do anything in this Universe for Dean Winchester. The human man he fell for.

“When Jack was dying, I made a deal to save him.”

“You what?”

“The price was my life.  When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever.”

“Why are you telling me this now?”

“I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I’ve wondered what it could be, what my true happiness could even look like.  I never found an answer, because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have. 

“But I think I know, I think I know now...happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being.  It’s in just saying it.”

“What are you talking about, man?”

The most selfless thing Cas does in this, and he does a lot of selfless things, is to tell Dean Winchester how impossibly good he is.  To tell him that he is worthy, to tell him that he is adored.

“I know, I know how you see yourself, Dean.  You see yourself the same way our enemies see you.  You’re destructive and you’re angry and you’re broken and you’re daddy’s blunt instrument.  And you think that hate and anger, that’s what drives you, that’s who you are.  It’s not.  And everyone who knows you sees it, and everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love.  You raise your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love.  That is who you are.

“You’re the most caring man on earth.  You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.  You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you outta Hell...knowing you has changed me.

“Because you cared, I cared.  I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, I cared about the whole world because of you. 

“You changed me, Dean.”

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?”

Dean’s greatest fear. His fear of those loving him leaving him. The terror of being alone.

“Because it is.

The head shake.  Don’t love me.  Don’t love me if it means you’ll leave me, don’t love me, everyone I love leaves me.  Don’t leave me.  Don’t love me.  Don’t leave me.

“Don’t do this, Cas.”

Just like I always thought.  One last look at Dean before the Empty takes him.

“Cas-”

“Goodbye Dean.”

And Dean is left, broken on the floor, unable to answer Sam’s calls, unable to do anything.  It doesn’t matter to him that Chuck has wiped everyone out, it doesn’t matter to him that Sam and Jack might need him.  It doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t matter, because the thing that mattered still hangs on his lips, still waiting to be said, and now he won’t get another chance to say it.

The fact that I am writing this, even with all my spec, with all my analysis of the writers’ room, of their text, of the way Dabb and co had approached this story, nothing could have ever prepared me for this.  Nothing could have prepared me for a three and a half minute, uninterrupted scene where Cas confesses not only that he loves Dean, but that he has always loved him.

I talk a lot about how these writers don’t get the credit they deserve.  Unfortunately, from most of this fandom, they never will.  We will likely never know the fights with the network they had, the steps backward they had to take, the way they had to beg and fight and claw to get this on the screen.  But they did it.  They did it for these characters, they did it for this dinosaur of a show, and yeah, they did it for us.

It was not easy, I can promise you, to get this greenlit.  They had to fight for this, they likely had to call in favors and make threats and quite literally put their careers on the line (you may scoff at that, but WB is a BIG company, especially in the TV/movie world) for this story.  This story of Dean and Cas, the man dragged out of Hell and the angel who fell for him.

I have tons more to say, and will likely have several more posts about this, but I want to leave all my babes who are worried that that was the end for Dean and Cas with some takeaways.

Sam is missing Eileen.  Dean is missing Cas.  That is no longer a fun subtextual parallel, that is it for them.  Their respective endgames are missing, and they will not know their peace until they get them back.  Chuck will not win.  That’s not the story being told, and right now?  He’s winning.  He’s broken them, left them with nothing, left them with an empty world and a hole in each of their hearts where their person (or angel) used to be.

Our show is going to end with “contentment.”  “Contentment” isn’t from Sam and Dean being filled with grief and hitting the open road.  It isn’t Sam getting Eileen back and leaving Dean with no one.  “Contentment” is Sam and Eileen, Dean and Cas.  Together.

[ugh-againwiththenames]

So Many Fanfics So Little Time

This is just my list, I have seen so many (but if you want to use it it’s all yours too!).  I’m not a writer.  But I am a hell of a reader. Voracious one might argue. I just wanted to track my progress through the weeds of the absolutely never ending supply of Destiel and Cockles fanfic. 

Read on if you want to see what I’ve read, and what I’ve thought. I am but one person with opinions - some of them may be unpopular - some of them you might agree with, but if you find something you haven’t read here, I encourage you to do so. 

Honestly, this is just so I can track what I have read already, and when my friends ask, I can reference something easily. I have found some different fics on all kinds of ‘best of’ lists all over the interwebs. And I love recs - so rec away friends. 

As someone who reads a solid 40 novels a year typically, I don’t come by the “I read a lot” innocently. I do actually read a LOT.  When not reading fanfic (a new obsession, all things being fair), I usually read a lot of Fantasy/high fantasy, romance/erotica, and or YA (yeah, that was a bit of a ride no?).  So from this one might digress that I like fluffy, cute stories, complicated and supernatural/paranormal type stories, and I sure do not shy away from violence or smut (or maybe violence with smut? *smirk*). 

I have read all of these in the last 2-3 months (I will continue to add as I go). I had never read a fanfic until 2-3 months ago.  A lot of these wonderful people are on here, and I mean you no offence by not directly tagging you - I’m still learning how to actually properly use this site. Links to AO3 are included (and I love you all). 

These aren’t necessarily in any real order - I did read T&S first, followed by 91W, and 4LW...after that it’s just a shit show of Long or Short, Destiel or Cockles - smorgasbord. Some of these are the most popular Fics out there, and others I’ve never seen recc’d anywhere (just sort of accidentally happened upon them).  So let’s get to it, shall we? 

Twist and Shout - ok look. I understand the stigma associated with this one, but it was the FIRST one I read. It was the ball that shot me down the hill, and I haven’t stopped since. So. I loved it. I CRIED like a baby. SOBBED. It was not the quality of the writing but the way the story was developed and delivered. I have Never Cried Like This Reading a Story IN MY LIFE. It’s a rite of passage. Read It and have an opinion - it doesn’t need to be mine.  

Author(s): gabriel, standbyme   https://archiveofourown.org/works/537876/chapters/955188

Ninety-One Whiskey - aka 91W, it is mentioned so much, and is SO worth the read.  I continued my dive into the war fics (not typically my bag really and here I was reading 2 in a row).  There are a couple of followup stories as well to this series (and yes, I’ve read them all).  Although I’ll say that the original is my favourite. I often got lost in a bit of the War/Tactical descriptions, but would recommend it to anyone anyway. Ugh...the “stolen moments”...they were at the same time tragic and the most amazing things ever.  You feel me? no? go read it. 

Author:  komodobits   https://archiveofourown.org/works/2362190/chapters/5214500

Four Letter Word for Intercourse - aka 4LW.  OMG just, OMG. I loved this story. I loved it so much. I think I read it in a day.  Devoured it. It’s so HOT. Just read it. If you haven’t you’re missing out.  LEMME AT IT. I loved “knowing the secret”, and had some major anxiety about that realization dawning (I had to take a breath, and be like, no, no, this is gonna be a mess, but it’s gonna be SO GOOD - I was not disappointed).  There’s more than one work here too - read them all. PLEASE. 

Author: bendingsignpost  https://archiveofourown.org/works/16086839/chapters/37568591

Memories Bring Back Memories (Bring Back You) - This was the first Sobs one I read, but it sent me on a spree.  this is the Memory Loss one.  I have one piece of advice here - read everything by Sobsicles. You can thank me later...just go to her page, and fucking sort to supernatural (or not, read it all!) I’d list them but I’d fucking seriously be here all day.  Also, her tags make me laugh so hard.

Author:  sobsicles https://archiveofourown.org/works/24022945/chapters/57796885

Orpheus - I love this one too, Tattooed!Cas, my LOVE. paired with Mechanic!Dean, my HEART, #help.  Read this one in one evening as well. (I was on a roll).  It’s a one night stand that turns into more (much like my last relationship)....hmm...maybe this is why I was pulled in - although to be fair that is the last similarity to my shitty love life! I do not remember how I stumbled onto this one (tattooed Cas may have been the draw...tbh). Read the warnings though, there is some triggering stuff in this one - but if you can handle it, it’s definitely worth the read. 

Author: sysrae       https://archiveofourown.org/works/2364347/chapters/5220227

Have Love, Will Travel - Can you say no to Stripper!Dean? Cause I sure as hell cannot. Typical sort of character development here with Dean having trust issues, and Cas being painfully awkward...(but in like a super cute way?).  Would Recommend. 

Author: squeemonster   https://archiveofourown.org/works/565455/chapters/1011747

The Inexhaustible Silence of Houses - Change of pace here...It’s got a nice twist.  I didn’t actually clue into how it was going to end until very near the end (maybe I was being oblivious), when the realization came over me and I was...man. I was DONE IN.  I hope that doesn’t spoil (I need some kind of way of remembering them). Voiceless!Cas Hunter!Dean

Author: Askance (doomcountry)   https://archiveofourown.org/works/560268/chapters/1000755

Adagio - This is super short, and super cute. Honestly, I would read the whole thing just for the last line. It’ll take you less than an hour if I remember correctly. Go, I’ll wait. I squeeed. did you? 

Author: noangelsinthegarrison   https://archiveofourown.org/works/1397248/chapters/2928145

Any Little Heartache - super easy read (not in a bad way, but in a ‘you’ll fly through it’ way).  It’s mid-length, not graphic, but really fun hospital AU. HeartSurgeon!Dean / Nurse!Cas - enemies to lovers anyone? Fuck you to Fuck me? yeah. YUM. 

Author: followthattardis https://archiveofourown.org/works/5143376/chapters/11838311

Ad Astra - This is another short(ish) one, just one chapter.  And by that I mean that this is written like a very long poem. Cas as a star who has visited Dean many times over the years of his life, that culminates in 4x01 barn scene. It’s ‘awe’ sad. ‘puppy dog eyes’ sad. The writing format took me a bit to understand what was happening - it’s my lack of poetry knowledge, not the writing.  

Author: nhixxie https://archiveofourown.org/works/1013491

Ad Astra Per Aspera - This is a cute story.  ESL writer, no judgement.  I found this while looking for the one above, and thought the premise looked cute - and it was. Misunderstanding leading to Dean realizing he’s actually Bi.  Miscommunication leading to realization.  

Author: Riverchester https://archiveofourown.org/works/12354336/chapters/28101816

Psalm 40:2 - Time travel post-canon Cas and Pre-series Dean.  If you’re wondering how that works, strap in for this ride, it’s well worth it. 

Author: unicornpoe https://archiveofourown.org/works/30786425/chapters/75992444

Addicted to You - Warlock!Dean/Incubus!Cas - accidental ‘mating’ (I actually really don’t like that word, but there’s sort of no avoiding it in this situation). Cute story.  When you drunk dial a succubus and get an incubus instead...Whatever will we do? 

Author: Ltleflrt https://archiveofourown.org/works/4387346/chapters/9959288 

A Glimpse Beyond - End Fix-it. Not yet complete, 10 chapters so far...I want MORE! Reliving memories Dean/Cas & Sam/Eileen.   

Author: NorthernSparrow https://archiveofourown.org/works/27731689/chapters/67875925

Cas-ti-el - Please I want more...It’s like the story just started. Please write more of this story!! 1 chapter, it’s a trope prompt challenge, but I want it to be a full on story of its own. Imprinted names of their soul mates, Dean doesn’t understand his (because it’s in a different language)...I’m frustrated by wanting this story to keep going. 

Author:  Valinde (Valyria)  https://archiveofourown.org/works/1941591

Our Bodies, Posessed by Light - another short one. Not going to lie, this one took a little getting used to, and I can’t say that I enjoyed it too much for the sole purpose that the premise gave me the willies.  Cas has to vessel jump - ends up in Sam...I got through it, it had a good ending, but yeah, sorry. This just wasn’t for me. 

Author:  obstinatrix  https://archiveofourown.org/works/260289

Peanut Butter Pumpkin Wedding Cake - Waiter!Dean / Writer!Cas - This is so effing cute, just misunderstanding after misunderstanding bumbling around like the couple of dorks that they are. It’s only one chapter. 100% would recommend. 

Author:  Sparseparsley https://archiveofourown.org/works/223962

Destiel, Actually - This is another super cute story, 5 chapters. Gabriel playing a singular role in putting Dean and Cas in awkward positions to push them together.  I fucking DIED at “oh, I am the sub” - needs context, but I guarantee you that you’ll laugh out loud...

Author:  Bexism  https://archiveofourown.org/works/399934/chapters/658398

The Smell Before the Rain - This was my first A/B/O - a big apology to all those who are into mpreg and whatnot, this was my lesson that I am not. this was not for me. Also - I’m a firm Cas (Alpha/Dom) believer, and i’m good with switch Cas, but it’s hard for me to take him being the full Omega here, when paired with the rest I just couldn’t do it. I finished it, but, not my thing. I know now. 

Author: jscribbles https://archiveofourown.org/works/22355230/chapters/53406127

Crazy Diamonds - This is another short one, only 3 chapters - it’s a body swap for Dean, 4x02 him and 2018 him swap places (assumption that 2018 him is “with” Cas).  It’s a super cute little story. 

Author:  pantheon_of_discord https://archiveofourown.org/works/16151642/chapters/37738631

The Breath of All Things - Wheelchair!Dean / Volunteer!Cas.  This is a lovely story, typical Dean self-hatred etc. Triggering for those with suicide warnings. It had me in tears at the end. There’s a really spectacular quote near the end that I found so romantic I screen grabbed it. 

Author:  KismetJeska https://archiveofourown.org/works/994750/chapters/1967519

Kind of a Forever Deal - SummerCamp!AU This is just a really cute and fluffy summer camp AU.  Which is so different from 91W (That’s right, check the author)! I was a little disappointed with the ending, but otherwise really enjoyed this all the way through and was loving all the discovery and young characterizations of all the characters. 

Author: komodobits https://archiveofourown.org/works/999291/chapters/1978478

Everytown, USA - Best way I can break this one down? Wanderer!Dean (listless and without a place in the world, he ends up in a small town...), Twin!Cas (that leads to some fun things). There are a number of points where you’re gonna yell at Dean for doing stupid shit (that are very much in character for him to do), you think, well, yes, obviously you’re going to do that you silly fucking boy [affectionate]; but whyyy? (but we know). 

Author: aileenrose https://archiveofourown.org/works/1797559/chapters/3854836

Chalk and Chainmail - HighSchool!AU, Cas is an artist, Dean LARP’s - it’s cute and angsty. 

Author:  lemonsorbae https://archiveofourown.org/works/804704/chapters/1517551

A Little Patience - Ok. you want smut? This is your story. You want Kink? This is your story.  I actually did not finish this. It got a little carried away in my opinion. It was VERY panty kink oriented (which, while essentially canon isn’t really my kink) so, if you want that Panty Kink on full display? Go forth and enjoy! it  is thirty something chapters, I got to the mid-twenties I Think. 

Author: riseofthefallenone https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3739232

Control - I REALLY ENJOYED THIS. Which is saying a lot for someone who has already admitted that a Subby Cas isn’t really my HC - so to so thoroughly enjoy a Sub!Cas story? (maybe it’s the tattooes...*wink*). It’s an AU where Cas is the head of a company - Dean is a callboy I guess, for lack of a better term. Just read it.

Author: dothraki_shieldmaiden  https://archiveofourown.org/works/31156601/chapters/76993217

More (I copy pasted the next lot from my google doc, I’ll flush them out later - no i wont...)

Teach Me (short) - movie night in the bunker, things get a little carried away   Author:  Chiyume  https://archiveofourown.org/works/5961327

You Light the Spark (in my bonfire heart) (short) - when cas doesn't realize that dean is unaware of his feelings, super short, super cute                      Author: noangelsinthegarrison https://archiveofourown.org/works/1193910 

Communication Breakdown (short/cockles) - dean ends up in Jensen's head while he films the confession scene, no sexual content Author: jujubiest   https://archiveofourown.org/works/29669601/chapters/72951339

Look What You Made Me Do (short/cockles) -      -  Vegas Con 2020 / jensen comes out with a song     - cute short - no sexual content Author:  green_blue_heller https://archiveofourown.org/works/30251592 Full House (short/cockles) - reimagined version of the rented house story - putting it in order (so to speak). funny / cute / fluffy not explicit   Author: n_nami  https://archiveofourown.org/works/30855827

Cyber Sex (short/cockles) - anastiel https://archiveofourown.org/works/31467086      - shameless post GISH Fest zoom call porn      - Short (very short)

It's Complicated (cockles) - gail_morgan https://archiveofourown.org/works/31434938/chapters/77747519       The GISHtake (short/cockles) - MellyCrazyCoconut https://archiveofourown.org/works/31508099     - cute short post GISH zoom     - oops "babe, really?"  

(10.02.2021 updated) Since last update: New reads - Fuck i’m gonna be here all day - there’s not gonna be as much gonna be NO detail in these breakdowns...sorry! This has now just become a “what i’ve read list” as opposed to a Rec list...

Love, All Alike (Pt. 1 Love, All Alike) - Phantoms_and_Foxgloves   https://archiveofourown.org/works/4555599/chapters/10370646                             - Though The Stars Walk Backward (pt 2 Love, All alike) - Phantoms_and_Foxgloves

And this, your living kiss - opal_bullets   https://archiveofourown.org/works/18083927/chapters/42744872

Come On, Let's Strike a Match (Domination and Submission: a love story pt 1) - anyrei & queerwerewolf ***   https://archiveofourown.org/works/25722478/chapters/62458810    - Playing With Fire (D&S: a love story pt 2)    - We Kiss and the Flames Get Higher (D&S: a love story pt 3)     - Sparking That Old Flame (D&S: a love story pt 4) 

Cinderwings - bendingsignpost Cinderella!AU**   https://archiveofourown.org/works/12847041/chapters/29336421

Linden - fleeceframe Swan!AU**   https://archiveofourown.org/works/33126730/chapters/82236118

No Netflix, No Chill (short) - dorian_they   https://archiveofourown.org/works/28764966

Can't Drink You Away (short) - dorian_they   https://archiveofourown.org/works/28785792 

Jensen Totally (Does Not!) Snore (short RPF) - Dorian_they   https://archiveofourown.org/works/30315717

Dean Ships It (short) - dorian_they   https://archiveofourown.org/works/30349434

All about control - wingless   https://archiveofourown.org/works/9151930/chapters/20791243

Aesthetics in Autoerotica (pt 1 Aesthetics in Autoerotica) - relucant   https://archiveofourown.org/works/3885544                                                             - The Ties that Bind (pt 2 Aesthetics in Autoerotica) - relucant

Let's take a drive - sobsicles   https://archiveofourown.org/works/32581027/chapters/80819581 

Enchanted ink - castielslostwings TattooArtist!Dean TattooArtist!Castiel AU ***   https://archiveofourown.org/works/23043622/chapters/55109530

The bones beneath our skin - darknessbound   https://archiveofourown.org/works/24633754/chapters/59515804

The Plot (RPF) - Castiel_Left_His_Mark_On_Me   https://archiveofourown.org/works/2795588/chapters/6274970

The Gentle Force with which you Take Me (RPF) - Phoenix_Ascended   https://archiveofourown.org/works/32110120/chapters/79549183

According to all known laws of Life (Pt. 1 Cursed Metaphors) - sobsicles   https://archiveofourown.org/works/29207901                                                          - and he's back (with a mind of his own) (pt. 2 Cursed Metaphors) - sobsicles

Six hundred sundays (and many more) - sobsicles   https://archiveofourown.org/works/31158776

Aching in the Absence of you - sobsicles   https://archiveofourown.org/works/31832977/chapters/78811378

gorging myself on you, still can’t get full (insatiable) (Short) - sobsicles   https://archiveofourown.org/works/32203291

memories bring back memories (bring back you) - sobsicles   https://archiveofourown.org/works/24022945/chapters/57796885

Dream Come True (short) - bendingsignpost   https://archiveofourown.org/works/28071159

tall grass - aeli_kindara   https://archiveofourown.org/works/13127040/chapters/30030726

asunder (Short) - rageprufrock https://archiveofourown.org/works/62115

Apheresis - bendingsignpost BloodDonor!AU **   https://archiveofourown.org/works/32674783/chapters/81056680

we always were but never knew it - frightfullyrude   https://archiveofourown.org/works/32698324/chapters/81119503

In this Louisiana Bar (Short) - fleeceframe   https://archiveofourown.org/works/31764487

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Alternate Universes - n_nami   https://archiveofourown.org/works/32687929/chapters/81092785

my heart a compass - lagaudiere https://archiveofourown.org/works/28629951

Unsound Inverses - sp8ce (not complete)   https://archiveofourown.org/works/29836881/chapters/73413300

The Jensen Mistake (RPFish) - fellshish   https://archiveofourown.org/works/31950169

tell me about the dream (Pt. 1 Kids are coming home) - playedwright   https://archiveofourown.org/works/27984813/chapters/68544450

It's handy to know (FIMMF Themed ;)) - RosaMarloes   https://archiveofourown.org/works/31761322

So Says The Sword - komodobits AngelTrueform!AU**   https://archiveofourown.org/works/12597892/chapters/28695592

Communication Breakdown (RPFish)- darkshrimpemotions (jujubiest)   https://archiveofourown.org/works/29669601/chapters/72951339

Carry You Home - Casloveshisfreckles   https://archiveofourown.org/works/26982637/chapters/65862916

In the Shadow of your Wings - Enochian Things (Salr323)   https://archiveofourown.org/works/7531294/chapters/17121655

When Harry Met Sally (RPF) (Pt. 1 When Harry Met Sally ‘verse) - mnwood   https://archiveofourown.org/works/7622347/chapters/17351845    - Eight Dildos (RPF) (Pt. 2 When Harry Met Sally ‘verse) - mnwood    - Attention, Please (RPF) (Pt. 3 When Harry Met Sally ‘verse) - mnwood             - Boat Trip (RPF) (Pt. 4 When Harry Met Sally ‘verse) - mnwood

A Winter's Tale - NorthernSparrow   https://archiveofourown.org/works/2654327/chapters/5930561

A Close Shave - NorthernSparrow https://archiveofourown.org/works/3090167

r/supernatural - renrub (short) https://archiveofourown.org/works/27626783

sam reads destiel fics - rebshome (short - funny!)   https://archiveofourown.org/works/33721624

Angel Cookies - noxsoulmate Chirstmas!AU **  https://archiveofourown.org/works/11729640/chapters/26427765

Under The Midnight Sun - NorthernSparrow Arctic!AU **   https://archiveofourown.org/works/16690645/chapters/39143677

Bron-Yr-Aur - mrbluesky (Short) https://archiveofourown.org/works/28225335

The Dean Winchester Beat Sheet - saltyfeathers   https://archiveofourown.org/works/19258594/chapters/45800209

The Meaning On My Skin - saltnhalo   https://archiveofourown.org/works/18005378/chapters/42538133

Red Right Hand (Pt. 1 Murder Ballads)  - Duckyboos   https://archiveofourown.org/works/4306110/chapters/9760008    - Are you the One that I've been waiting for? (pt. 2 Murder Ballads) - Duckyboos   

Riptides - sharkfish   https://archiveofourown.org/works/13230426/chapters/30263556

Damn Fine Ride - Cimorene105 (pt 1 - rodeo) Cowboy!AU** (I’m a horse girl, sue me...)  https://archiveofourown.org/works/14342340    - My Face Just Does This, Sometimes - Cimorene105 (pt. 2 rodeo)    - The Kinkiest Thing I've Ever Done- Cimorene105 (pt 3 rodeo)    - All Signs Point to Love - Cimorene105 (pt. 4 rodeo)    - Monster Love - Cimorene105 (pt. 5 rodeo)    - My Man, The Siren - Cimorene105 (pt. 6 rodeo)    - A Pain in My Ass - Cimorene105 (pt. 7 rodeo)

Astrolabe (terra incognita pt 1) - reluctantabandon, Winter_of_our_Discontent   https://archiveofourown.org/works/3348812/chapters/7326794    - Drollery (terra incognita pt 2) - reluctantabandon Winter_of_our_Discontent    - Rubrication (terra incognita pt 3) - reluctantabandon Winter_of_our_Discontent

Go Down With This Ship - PorcupineGirl   https://archiveofourown.org/works/8023642/chapters/18370474

Fire and Ice - Castielslostwings (Firefighter/Paramedic AU!) **   https://archiveofourown.org/works/23286295/chapters/55768486

The Structural Similarities of Hunters and Onions - Faster_Than_the_Speed_of_Sound (Short)   https://archiveofourown.org/works/33383101

Castiel Novak's Office, This is Dean - emmbrancsxx0   https://archiveofourown.org/works/22411336/chapters/53545840

Out of the Deep (out of the deep pt. 1) - riseofthefallenone - MERMAID AU! **   https://archiveofourown.org/works/548878/chapters/977676

Dean (and Cas') Top 13 Zepp Traxx - pantheon_of_discord   https://archiveofourown.org/works/10909440/chapters/24256989

I'll Be Good - LittleAngelCassie   https://archiveofourown.org/works/4118334/chapters/9282234

Kenosis - CastielsCarma (Short - part of Destiel ABC collection)   https://archiveofourown.org/works/30411720

[alsaurus-loves-dean]

What Dean Has To Say a destiel fic by alsaurus | rating: T | word count: 3.8k When Cas comes back, he disappears.

He’s supposedly still in the bunker. According to Sam, he doesn’t seem to have left the building at all since he arrived.

Dean wouldn’t know, because Cas is avoiding him.

It’s the only explanation. Why else would it be impossible to find his best friend even though they’re under the same roof 24/7? Not that Dean has really gone looking for him, but still. They haven’t crossed paths once since Cas got back three days ago. This wouldn’t be so weird on its own (yes it would), except Sam sees Cas all the time. So what gives?

Dean knows what gives, but at the same time? He doesn’t really. Cas is obviously reluctant to talk to Dean after what he’d said to trigger his deal with the Empty. He’d said all that under the assumption that he’d never have to face a response. Dean understands. He would definitely feel the same if he were in that position. But Cas? Cas is the bravest, purest, and most sincere person that Dean has ever met. How could someone like that be afraid to talk to someone like Dean?

This isn’t how Dean had expected this to go.

He’d wanted Cas back more than anything he’s ever wanted in his life. He’d never felt joy the way he felt when he saw Cas out of the Empty, back in the bunker where he belonged. Dean knew he needed to be with Cas, that Cas was it for him.

But he’d also kind of assumed that Cas would take the lead, here. Cas, who was so straightforward and free of human insecurities, would be the one to bring it up - if only just to assure Dean that nothing had to change. Then Dean would have the perfect opening to tell him he felt the same. If words failed him in that moment, Dean was also prepared to let his body do some of the talking.

Dean had not imagined that Cas would just straight-up hide from him for days on end. It’s frustrating, but also a little endearing.

Okay, it’s a lot endearing. Very endearing. Some might even say it’s adorable. Not Dean, though. Sure, Cas is so flustered at the idea of talking to Dean about his feelings that he literally won’t show his stupid angel face - so what? What’s even cute about that?

Anyway.

Dean is starting to get antsy about the whole thing. He’s not exactly anxious, but he’s so amped up that his body interprets it as anxiety. He had to cut down on the caffeine because he’d started to feel like he was vibrating out of his skin. For someone Dean never sees, Cas sure does occupy a whole lot of space in Dean’s head most of the time. He finds it difficult to really focus on anything else, so he’s watched a LOT of movies the past few days - just zoning out with only half his attention on the screen.

“Why are you sitting here in the dark by yourself?” Sam asks from the doorway, making Dean jolt in surprise.

Dean hadn’t realized he’d turned the TV off after Dirty Dancing had ended. He really is just sitting in the Dean Cave, in the dark, by himself. Awesome.

“What‘s it to you? And who am I supposed to be sitting with, anyway? Not like Cas wants anything to do with me,” Dean grumbles. Laying it on just a little thick, since he knows better than Sam why Cas isn’t here.

“What is up with you two, anyway?” Sam asks, and it’s obvious that he’s been waiting for the opportunity to do so. He flips the light switch and comes to sit in the other chair. He’s perched on the edge of it, leaning towards Dean as if to signify how very important he finds this conversation. How he’s not going to let Dean out of it.

Fine.

“Cas is just being a baby. He thinks he can just confess his undying love for me and peace out, and then once I rescue his ass he can just avoid dealing with the whole thing,” Dean starts. Then he finds he doesn’t want to stop, despite Sam’s eyes going wide in shock. “Seriously, man, I don’t know how much longer I can take this. Like how long am I supposed to wait? We should have spent these whole three days in bed doing all kinds of freaky shit - but look at me, Sam! I’m sitting alone in the dark without even realizing it because the dude lives rent free in my freakin’ head!”

“Umm,” Sam says.

“I get that he’s nervous, but so am I! I mean, he’s the one whose cards are already on the table. I’m the one who has shit to say! I don’t even know if I’ll be able to say it, but I’ll never find out if I never even see the guy!”

“Okay, hold on. Just a minute. You’re saying that Cas told you...?”

“Yeah.”

“That he - “

“Yep.”

“And you want to say it back.”

“Sure. If you wanna call it that.”

“Come on, Dean.”

“I mean yeah, Sam, what do you want me to say? I have no idea how it’ll go down. I still haven’t seen him since we got him back.”

Sam starts to smile, and Dean doesn’t like the look of that.

“So what, he’s avoiding you because he’s scared of what you’ll say?” Sam asks.

Dean shrugs.

“I guess. Why else would he avoid me and not you?”

Sam’s smile grows as he sits back in the chair, settling in. He watches Dean for a few moments, eyes twinkling like he’s about to say something really stupid. Why did Dean think that opening up about this would be a good idea?

“That’s actually kind of cute,” Sam says.

Dean rolls his eyes so hard he has to throw his head against the back of the chair.

“Don’t you start with that!” Dean groans. “It’s not cute, it’s annoying. It’s cowardice, is what it is!”

“Have you tried to find him?” Sam asks. The smirk on his face tells Dean he knows the answer but is asking just to be a little bitch.

“Shut up. Why does it have to be me, huh? Why do I have to be the one to bring it up?”

“I didn’t say you had to bring anything up. I just mean have you tried to talk to him at ALL? You say you haven’t seen him, but have you looked for him?”

Dean has not. But -

“I already looked for him, in the Empty! And I pulled him out. It was a whole thing! I think the ball’s in his court now.”

“Dean, think about it. You have a lot more experience with this kind of thing than he does,” Sam reasons.

It’s true. But at the same time -

“I have never experienced anything like this. Ever. Especially not with a dude,” Dean says. He feels out of his element, too. That’s why Cas was supposed to take charge! (Dean knows that doesn’t make sense, and he doesn’t care).

The smile on Sam’s face turns gentler, any trace of teasing disappearing.

“I’m surprised you’re even telling me all this,” Sam says.

“Sam, come on,” Dean protests, because he really doesn’t want to get into it.

“No, really! In the past you’ve been… very adamant about being straight.” Too adamant, is what Sam means. He’s not wrong.

“What’s your point?” Dean asks.

“I’m just glad this is happening, I guess.”

Dean can’t help but melt a little at that sentiment. Inwardly. On the outside, he’s still trying to act put out, but the longer he sits there trying not to confide in Sam, the stronger the pull to do so becomes. Like being caught in a wave, Dean finally lets it pour through him.

“It’s Cas. You know? It’s Cas. I spent too long worrying about all that. I’ve lost him too many times, Sam. I can’t really care about all that stuff anymore. So I just want him to know, you know? I don’t want my crap to keep Cas from getting what he wants. He deserves to get everything he wants. He can have it. I want him to have it. And I want him to know that.” Dean stops. Takes a deep breath, because that was a lot. Then he wraps it up. “And that means you’re gonna have to know at some point anyway, so. There you go.”

Sam looks shocked again, but in a totally different way that Dean doesn’t recognize at all. Which makes sense, considering this is the first time Dean’s ever admitted to having gay feelings for an angel of the Lord. It’s an unusual situation.

“That’s amazing, Dean. Seriously. I’m really, really happy for you,” Sam finally says.

Dean can tell he means it. He’s actually not sure he’s ever seen Sam so sincerely pleased. But Dean frowns at that last sentence.

“I don’t know what you have to be happy about just yet. Dude won’t even talk to me.”

“You said yourself that you haven’t even tried!”

“Yeah but I can take a hint, man. He doesn’t want to see me. Otherwise he’d have seen me.”

And it boils down to that, Dean realizes. Because while he understands that Cas is reluctant because he’s afraid, Dean is also hurt. It’s irrational, but he wants Cas’ love for him to be stronger than that fear. He aches for Cas every moment of every day and every night. He’s barely functioning because he feels like his entire existence is on pause - he hadn’t expected to be in this prolonged state of limbo. He’d been ready for Cas. But it turns out he’d been ready for a different Cas, one he’d thought up in his head - because the real Cas, the Cas he loves, is too afraid to face him and Dean has no idea how long that’ll last. He has no idea when or even if Cas will come to him. Every moment that passes could be the moment before Cas finally talks to him. It’s agony. It’s wonderful.

But he meant it when he said that Cas deserves everything he wants. So why should Cas have to seek it out, when Dean could just give it to him?

“I need to find him, huh,” Dean says, and it’s not a question.

“Yeah, man. You should do that,” Sam agrees. There isn’t an ounce of admonishment in his voice. He’s just supporting Dean, and for once, Dean is grateful.

“Thanks, Sammy,” he says,

Time to find the angel.

concluded in chapter 2. read the rest on ao3.

[angelswatchingover]

It’s not about a conspiracy.

So Supernatural ended and, in usual Supernatural fashion, it went down in the craziest, most meta way possible. Two episodes before the finale, they canonized Destiel through Cas’ love confession to Dean then, in one last queerbait, didn’t give Dean a chance to respond then completely left Cas out of the rest of the narrative. Of course it couldn’t end there so a dub error aired in Latin and South America where Dean reciprocates. 

Fans, of course, lose their shit and conspiracies fly that this was the CW quashing the Destiel storyline. 

Was it?

I seriously doubt it. Not that the CW isn’t very problematic with killing gays and the movement to bring this to light is a good one. However, the script that we have seen says Dean doesn’t reciprocate. Misha said it wasn’t in the script. And the ending that we got confirms that they never intended this to be anything more than Castiel’s ending (hell, the band Kansas may have planned to get more air time ROFL). 

It’s much more likely that the whole thing is shitty, thoughtless writing. Let’s be honest, SPN fumbled their way into greatness way more often then they planned it. Let’s face it, Kripke never intended this show to go beyond 2 dudes in a cool muscle car killing things. He never meant to address the deeper issues of fate, God, angels, and free will - he has said as much. He was extremely lucky to have gotten some very talented writers like Ben Edlund who were able to make this shallow idea into a deeper, more complex story. And if it weren’t for the incredible talent of the actors who brought life and meaning and nuance to some pretty bad scripts, this should would never have survived this long. Jensen Ackles’ facial expressions can give us so much more than the words that were on the script. Not to mention a passionate and engaged fandom that could take a throw away line and latch onto it (likely to the surprise of even the writers). 

Endings are hard and writers who have to write endings often try to go for shock value and edginess over good story completion. This is why the best show endings are usually the ones that were planned as one story arc from day 1 (see Black Sails, The Good Place, Crazy Ex Girlfriend, Schitts Creek, Breaking Bad). These endings were designed as the culmination of the story narrative that was built towards it. They don’t need to end with happy endings and we may lose great characters, but the narrative and overall arcs stay true and are completed. That’s why they are so satisfying. Supernatural, on the other hand, was never supposed to go 15 years and no one had any idea how to end it. Each year they had to keep going they had to scramble to come up with and idea and Chuck being the ultimate big bad was a stroke of genius that was stumbled into and definitely not planned since the beginning. 

When J2 decided it was time to move on, the writers had to figure out an ending. We know from cast meet and greets that as recently as weeks before the were supposed to shoot the finale it was still being changed and was pretty shaky.  On top of that, just as they were supposed to shoot their finales, Covid19 hit and whatever it was they planned had to be re-written because of restrictions and logistics and they couldn’t just wait till Covid was over because their cast and crew had new jobs lined up they needed to move on to. So, they scrambled and cobbled something together and, like GoT, HIMYM, and Dexter, tried to go for shock and edgy rather than looking back at the themes of their narrative to tie it all together. It ended up coming across as lazy and mediocre at best, regressive and queerphobic at worst. But I don’t think they ever planned to make this anything but a nostalgic homage to the pilot. Again, I’m sure they thought they were being clever, but it backfired. 

It was so empty and disjointed from the rest of the narrative that much of the audience watched thinking that can’t possibly be what was planned! The story must have gotten gutted by the CW or something, right? Tell me they didn’t just completely ignore the boys’ character growth and the queer storyline that had been a major thread for a dozen years! Guys, that’s exactly what they did because, in their minds, having the finale be nothing but a call back to the pilot was some crackerjack writing. They were actually proud that they would get to make everyone cry, make only 30% of fans satisfied, and be so shocking they upstaged Game of Thrones for an ending (all Dabb quotes that I don’t feel like finding and citing but you can easily). Jared even talked about all the things they put in there from the clothes to John’s journal to make it a big homage to the pilot. Sadly, that approach just made it hollow because it made the audience wonder what the other 15 years were for. But sometimes writers shoot for something and miss... by a long shot.

So I know the conspiracies' can be fun. I have had a blast the last few days laughing at the memes and the powerpoints. But please, take them with a grain of salt and don’t go down a dangerous rabbit hole. The most likely answer is right in front of our faces: shitty writing. Stay sane. Stay an SPN family. 

And by all means, keep fighting for better queer representation. Boycott the CW (I know I never plan to watch anything there again) and unfollow their social media. Stop spending money on official merchandise and support artists. Use the hashtags to bring attention to the treatment of LGBT characters in media. Make your voices heard loud that we deserve better. But if the focus is on some Spanish dub conspiracy, it will be brushed off as crazy fangirl nonsense. Focus on the actual intentional behavior that we know they did; the queerbait of Cas in 18 to gain audience interest for a finale that had no intention of paying off. Focus on the killing of all of the LGBT characters in media. And find stories of good representation and solid consistent story arcs to support (the ones I named above are a few excellent examples). 

I love you, my passionate, thoughtful SPN family. Just try to stay sane and level headed through your ire. 

[heller-a-good-time]

I offer a theory about tonight’s episode and the finale and yes it’s a long shot but I’m just writing this to make both myself and all of you feel a little better.......

From the very beginning of this episode, something felt off.

Dean tells Sam and Jack what happens to Cas and everyone has a very underwhelming reaction to it. Not to mention, they gloss over how exactly Cas died.

For the entirety of the episode they don’t seem very effected by Cas’s death.

Next, we’re told that Lucifer was brought back from the empty despite the fact that only a few episodes ago we were told chuck had no way of doing that. We can obviously chalk that up to bad writing and most likely it probably is. But it’s crazy that they seriously created a plot hole for episodes that are so close to one another. This is usually something we see happen between different seasons.

Also, despite everything that Lucifer has done in this show, the brothers are almost too quick to trust him. Granted they do have some doubts at the very beginning but the brothers would usually put up a bit more fight than that considering how much Lucifer has taken from them over the years. Dean has struggled to trust Jack for several seasons because of what he’s done and specifically what happened to Mary. And yet Dean trusts Lucifer in the space of a couple of minutes.

Then, there’s the ending.

When Chuck finally decides to end Dean and Sam, he says he can “Get his hands dirty” despite the fact that in an episode earlier in the season, Sam accuses him of being too afraid to get his hands dirty.

Chuck is defeated almost too quickly for being God. And the way he begs for Sam and Dean to kill him as they drive away also just doesn’t seem like God.

Also, this entire season, we’ve seen Dean absolutely furious over what Chuck has done to him and his family’s lives. He has been so hellbent on killing him that he pointed a gun at his own brother just two episodes ago. Even last episode, he tried to take Death on by himself because he was so motivated to kill Chuck. And then when he’s finally at that moment he’s been waiting for, he barely seems to care. Granted, it could be argued that Cas’s death might’ve made him finally realize how reckless he’s been the entire season. But everytime Dean has ever lost someone he usually has two responses. Getting himself killed or revenge (with the exception of Sam’s deaths where he obviously desperately tries to bring him back but I’ll talk more about that in a second) It’s been a consistent pattern with him throughout the show. And yet all of them are absent here. They’re not even acknowledged.

And also, them sparing Chuck wasn’t them being heroic. Killing him would have been mercy in this instance. Instead, they force him to live as mortal with no family—because he killed the only son who still trusted him, and he has to spend the rest of his life knowing he couldn’t defeat Sam and Dean. This specifically reminds me of that scene when Dean was demon back in season 10 when he spared the man who had traveled all that way and trained his entire life just to kill Dean for what he did to his father. And Dean spares him. Not because it was the good thing to do. Because the man would spend his entire life knowing he missed his one shot and that was ultimately a worse punishment than death. And they do the same thing to Chuck in this episode.

When Jack brings everyone back, the boys don’t even seem to care that now all of their friends and Eileen are alive. Sam doesn’t even mention her despite the fact that two episodes ago when he first heard about everyone “going back to where they belong” his first concern was Eileen. He was also completely gutted last episode knowing she was gone and he doesn’t even mourn her in this episode.

Also, when Jack becomes God, Dean doesn’t even ask him to bring Cas back. Despite the fact that this is once again one of his common responses we’ve seen consistently throughout the show when he loses someone. And especially considering how Cas died, Dean should especially want him back. Even when not interpreting his feelings romantically, Cas has been his best friend for 11 years. And they finally have the peace that Cas helped them fight (and sacrificed his own life) for. Dean would want Cas back. Especially since he knows now from earlier on in this episode that God has the power to do that.

Jack then decided to not go to the bunker with them. Despite the fact that for the three seasons he’s been in, the only thing he’s ever wanted was a family and to be accepted. (Let’s not even mention the fact that the brothers were both just chill with a 3 year old running the universe now. Even if it is Jack. He’s literally three. But whatever.)

The boys head back to the bunker and celebrate their “big win” if you can even call it that. They are completely content with being all alone. They lost Cas. They kind of lost Jack too. And they’re fine with it.

Literally last season, a bunch of hunters from the alternate dimension that they barely knew were all murdered and they were more upset about the bunker being empty after that than they are at the end of this episode.

They do a toast to all of the people they’ve lost along the way in a bit too good of a mood, which is something that these characters would never do. We’ve seen them grieve every person they’ve ever lost prior to this episode and they always believe the blood in on their hands. Yet now they’re suddenly content with the people they’ve lost. Even if it was their own faults.

The entire show has been about family. And yet half of their family is missing in this ending and they’re okay.

The entire show has also been about how the two of them have a crippling codependent relationship and how that always seems to start trouble. Instead of the brothers finally acknowledging this relationship. They now live happily in the bunker. Probably still codependent on each other.

Which means neither of them were forced to learn a damn thing.

My point is this episode feels very off.

And people who have watched 15 seasons of this show more than likely recognize that.

And there’s so many things that seem wrong and ooc that it almost feels as if it’s on purpose.

And that’s why I’m starting to wonder.....

What if it is?

There’s one more episode to go and what if, just maybe, they reveal that the episode that we just watched tonight isn’t what really happened. Maybe it’s the cheesy “it was all a dream” trope. Who knows?

The biggest reason why I believe this (besides the fact that I’m just a salty bitch and I need to find a way to calm myself down) is because this ending aligns almost perfectly with what Becky said about Chuck’s final ending earlier on in the season.

I now provide you the examples:

Just saying.....

I think that this might just be another variation of Chuck’s endings that they were forced to play out. Or something like that.

Because there’s just so many things that don’t fit with the entire rest of the show.

From what I’ve seen online thus far, people are very upset with this episode. Because they’ve watched 15 seasons of this show and they can tell when something just isn’t right.

And in a way, if this episode was purposely made to feel off to then reveal in the finale that none of this was real, it would pay respect to the fans who watched the show for all these years. Because they’re so familiar with the characters and the way plot lines usually play out that when all of a sudden it felt like Opposite Day watching this episode, they picked up on it and they were supposed to.

(Also another thing that I just realized I forgot to add, maybe this is just me, but a lot of the scenes in the montage at the end were very random??? Like a lot of them were insignificant scenes from the show. Ya know? I just think if any of us put together a montage for this show it would probably feature very different scenes. Like way more important ones. Maybe this fits into my theory? Maybe I’m absolutely reaching too damn far with this one. Idk. Please tell me I’m crazy)

Maybe this episode relied on fans having extensive knowledge of this show and it’s past. Maybe this episode wants you to believe something is off about it. Because they’re going to rip the rug right out from under you in the finale.

Hell, maybe this entire season has been a lie. We’ve seen Dean specifically do things he would never do in previous episodes. Point a gun at Sam. Tell Jack he’s not family. Be completely on board with sacrificing a family member. And Sam has been practically wallpaper in this season but maybe let’s not get into that too much. And hell, I’m gonna say it: Destiel went kinda canon when we never in a million years ever thought it would. Maybe all of these things are supposed to tell us all of this season wasn’t real? Maybe. Dunno. I think I’m actually just going insane? Yeah that’s probably it.

I’m really just spit balling here. Mostly because I was very upset by this episode. But maybe some of you feel the same and even if this is nowhere close to where the show is heading in its ending, I just wanted to maybe provide some comfort to those who feel the same as me.

Or maybe I’m completely wrong and this episode was just bad.

[touchstarvedsam]

I was really gonna ignore that "superior"natural thing but I saw that they seem to have some talented artists. So I thought maybe they are doing something interesting (even if it's destiel) so I checked out their Google doc and omg I'm HOWLING! Eileen calls Sam moosie, Cas calls Dean squirrel. Dean calls Cas kitten, Sam calls Eileen otter. They say it's just a incollection of ideas that might not make it into the project, but you get a sense of what you're dealing with there. And this is from1/?

A brief perusal to see how much attention Sam gets compared to Dean & Cas (a word search gave 27/87/100 results for each respectively, so not too much attention to Sam. But sure, Sam is the favorite character of some of their writers). I'm sure a deeper reading will unearth more (like, Dean saying you are home to Cas, who says we're not at the bunker, Dean replies but you are home. That sounds like something Dean would say. And Dean wishes a tulpa into existence 'cause he misses Cas too much)2/?

They say they want to eliminate plot holes but it seems what's a plot hole depends on whether it serves their ship: purgatory stays (we know they love that arc) even if it makes no sense for Crowley and Cas to go through that much in S6 when apparently there are many ways in and out. Cas, the guy who failed at almost everything he's done, is a "master strategist". Every other retcon of later seasons stays as long as it serves ship purposes. Sam gets his fair share of attention but Dean is the3/?

One who teaches Cas about being human including the textures of food (Sam and Cas pbj moment erasure) and Cas should be the one to teach Jack about his powers (no mention of Sam and Jack's relationship). Other ooc things: Cas rides a bike and when Dean asks says it reminds him of flying. After Cain, Dean takes Cas to the farm for bees (?). Cas and Dean snuggle. Knowing Cas is alive gives demon Dean strength to fight to be cured? Dean speaks enochian to Cas. Cas making a mixtape for Dean. 4/?

Cas being in regarding Dean. "Baby jack walking around in cas’s trench coat going “I’m an angel”." Home alone type ep with Jack. Dean kissing cas's forehead when he's dead in 13.01. Crowley is Jack's godfather and gets him a hellhound pet. Sam has a pet fish? Dean sings you're my sunshine to Cas as he sleeps. "Uncle Gabe". Apparently John dropped Sam and Dean off at Bobby's all the time? I don't think this is canon? Keep 15.18 but change 19&20 (of course). There's no drama or angst like 5/?

Kevin's death or Crowley's death or anything that might add tension to the story. Unless of course it serves the ship so plenty of trauma for Cas including darkness (from the empty) and sharp objects (from Naomi). A small mention of Sam's trauma with Lucifer, thank God, but it's interesting that they have so little Sam. They can say they'll flesh out more arcs for Sam but it's clear he's not a priority from how he's not present where he should be. For example, Dean will explain everything 6/?

To Mary and break her out of her brainwashing. But where's Sam? She's his mother too. Other than Eileen Sam's most meaningful relationship seems to be with his pet fish (still confused about that). Even if this project gets better in the future, which I doubt, it's clear what the direction here is. It baffles me that they think this is superior to the show we have, as problematic as the show is. I wish them best of luck but I don't have any high hopes for this. Thanks for the laughs though. 7/7

Sorry for that long ass rant in your inbox. It's in the middle of the night but I'm cackling after reading their doc and I had to share it with someone. I thought you might find it amusing as well. Hopefully all my asks go through. On the one hand, I feel bad hating on a fan project. But the way they've positioned it ("superior"), the blatant disrespect to Sam, and all the shit their side has pulled since the finale (and long before that) has really irked me. Again, sorry.

I just- this whole thing was a whirlwind of nonsense, it took me a whole week to process it. I don’t even know where to start here, or if I want to just yeet my laptop out my bedroom window into the snow. They really consider their ideas superior to the original show? More like Inferiornatural, to be honest. Superinferiornatural? They can’t even seem to characterize them correctly, let alone come up with a decent plotline or idea.

So we’ll start with the nicknames, since that is where you started. The whole thing is painfully out of character, but the worst (and funniest) of them all is Dean calling Cas “kitten,” I might actually laugh myself into an early grave with that one. Dean gives nicknames to shorten people’s names (besides Sam; Sammy is the only person who gets an extended nickname). He’s not going to give someone a longer nickname than the original nickname he uses for them! And Cas wouldn’t actually give nicknames, especially not giving Dean the nickname Crowley gave him??? Otter?! Moosie?!  W H A T. Can we move on from grade school kiddie crush nicknames?

I’m currently manifesting Dean saying “kitten” in his gruff voice with that lip curl he does sometimes and I’m cracking up about it. Thanks for the amusement, heIIers.

Of course Sam would only be mentioned 27 times to Cas’ 100 because Sam means nothing to them. He’s only ever either been in their way or a cheerleader for that horribly characterized ship of theirs. I just love how, in order to make DestieI, they have to butcher the characters so irreparably that they’re unrecognizable. Good for them, they can’t even have fanfiction of their ship where the characters keep their canon personalities. 10/10 would laugh at again.

I love the Sam erasure. It’s true to the heIIers’ character at least. They’re a one-trick pony. I’m so used to it by now that I’m totally desensitized to their bullshit. But Dean speaking Enochian? What? When and how did he learn that? I can’t see Dean in his 30s sitting there willingly to learn the language of the angels. Not even if his “kitten” is the one to teach him. Dean doesn’t give a fuck about that. If any of them is going to learn Enochian, it’ll be Sam, and they can fight me on that. I will kick anyone’s ass that argues.

I hope the mixtape Cas makes for Dean is just 4 hours of that Spaghetti song by The Wiggles because Cas sucks at doing human things.

I’d love to see the Sam erasure in the Regarding Dean one. Just swap Sam out for Cas? So Cas is the only one Dean recognizes? Hmm. Where would Sam go? A smoothie place? Yeah, as if Dean would remember the angel who he’d barely known for 8 years at that time over Sam who he’d known since he was 4 years old, lol. Sure, Jan.

The entire 5th ask is WILD, nonnie. A pet fish? Dean singing you are my sunshine? Dean kissing Cas’ forehead? LMFAO. Crowley is Jack’s godfather. The KING OF HELL is Jack’s GODfather. I’m- hgfjdksl I’m sure Dean who was ripped apart by hellhounds would love for Jack to have a pet hellhound. Yeah. Absolutely. “Uncle Gabe” yeah, fuck that guy in particular. Honestly, I’m surprised they haven’t erased Eileen to make SabrieI endgame in their fic. SabrieI is the Sam version of DestieI. It’s just as nasty and abusive :) which was why the heIIers ship it. They’re into abuse. It’s their shtick.

I do wonder what the point of the fish is... Sam has always loved and wanted a dog... you’d think they’d give Sam a dog... but I forgot they don’t pay attention to the show unless the episode has Mushy in the credits. I literally saw a heIIer say they skipped episodes if Mushy wasn’t in the credits... so they don’t know how to characterize Sam or Dean, but from this message they don’t even know how to characterize Cas who seems to be their precious uwu baby angel so I’m not surprised. I can’t wait for them to start releasing this shitshow. It makes for good fodder to make fun of them all over again. They really watched a grand total of 146 out of 327 episodes and thought, “Yeah, my opinion about the show definitely matters,” and I think that’s fucking hilarious.

Sorry for taking so long to respond! Hope I did a good job, nonnie. <3

[mattzerella-sticks]

Heart in My Hand (15x18 “Despair” coda, Dean-centric, Destiel. post-that scene)

(ao3 link)

He was right there.

Cas was telling Dean everything he ever wanted to hear since meeting the angel of the Lord... only each and every word of his confession stabbed at Dean's heart. Because once he finished, there's no more time for them. For him. For any chance of happiness - all that taken away by the Empty. And now he has to carry on.

He tries. Stands, gets in his car and drives where Sam tells him. When he meets with the others, though...

           Dean spots them easily, only two people left on the planet besides himself. Standing in the middle of the street, waiting. He rolls to a stop near some crashed truck and an abandoned bag of groceries that spills out the top. Egg yolks oozing into a small puddle, mixing with freely leaking juice burning bright against dark asphalt. Visible even from where he sits inside his car.

           With Sam and Jack advancing, Dean crams the rest of his emotions down. Puts on a brave face. What he sees in his rearview isn’t anything like that. Trembling lips. Red, blotchy skin. Wide eyes that look more haunted than an average, Midwestern home. It’s better than how he appeared earlier. And since they’re already here, he must move on. Steeling himself, he exits his car.

           “Dean,” Jack starts, glancing from him to his empty car, “Where’s Cas?”

           Dean fails, again. “Cas…” He croaks, words blocked by the boulder that wedged into his throat once that black portal of despair vanished. Water traces familiar pathways down his cheeks, Dean steadying himself on his open door. Hisses panicked breaths through clenched teeth. “Cas, he…”

           “Oh.” Sam stumbles backwards, news dealing its own damage. Jack stares at Dean, jaw hanging limply. Gaze wet from threatening tears. “Was it…” his brother coughs, regaining his footing, “was it Billie?”

           He shakes his head, still not ready to speak. Voice abandoning him like… well.

           “Chuck?” Jack asks, inching closer. “Did Chuck make him crumble, too?”

           Dean nearly forgot. Chuck… if only. His anger would have a target, instead of hanging around him as if it were a fog. Miasma thick he cannot see past a never-ending reel of those few, long minutes. Cas’s parting message replaying ad nauseum. “No,” he manages, staring at Baby’s roof. “No, he – he sacrificed… to take out… to save…” Gasping, Dean lolls his head upwards. Staring up at an empty sky, sending what’s left of his sentence into the heavens.

           Someone approaches, lays a hand on his elbow. There because it hovered over Dean’s shoulder and chose a different path. Dean felt how close it came to fitting over his angel’s mark. Heard a sharp intake of breath after they noticed it, confirming Dean’s suspicion. “Dean,” Sam says – of course it’d be him. He recognizes his little brother’s voice. Especially when he forces confidence through his tone. It lacks, however, as an undercurrent of worry threaded through it. “Dean,” he continues, “what happened?”

           First, he searches for Jack. The younger boy leans across from Dean, waiting. Curious. Heartbroken. “He,” Dean whispers, knees buckling under him, “Billie was out for blood and – and we couldn’t stop her on our own. So Cas, he…” Sam’s grip tightens on his elbow, adds another supportive touch to Dean’s armpit. Keeps him standing. Dean thanks Sam by letting his hands stay. “We were dead to rights. So Cas… let himself be happy.”

           Jack’s muttered curse resolves a lingering question, whether he knew. Doubly confirmed since Jack draws further attention to himself, slamming his fist on Baby’s roof. Dean doesn’t raise his usual objections. “The Empty,” he says.

           “The Empty?” Sam glances between Jack and Dean, “What would… why would the Empty be there? When Cas is happy – what are you talking about?”

           “A deal Sammy,” Dean says. Louder, rougher. Shattering the eerie silence of this deserted city scape. “He made a deal with that damned thing, his life for… for…”

           “For mine.” Jack tilts his head, brows drawn in such a mirror of his father Dean nearly collapses where he stood. He remains strong. “When I was in Heaven, after I… I died, the first time.” Sighing, he stretches towards them. Extending an empty palm in a gesture of regret. “I’m… I’m so sorry –“

           “No.” Dean slides his own hand, taking Jack’s. Squeezes it. Grounding himself further. “I don’t… it’s not your fault. Cas made the deal. He – he’s made his choice. It’s… if he had the chance to go back, he’d still do it. Again and again. That’s who he is.” Dean hiccups, face cracking as his mouth stretches wide, gracing the others with a rueful smile. “Putting everyone’s needs before himself even if it… even if it meant he could never…” He shudders, Cas’s peaceful expression when the Empty struck frozen in his mind. “Too good, Cas was – he was too good –“

           “Dean, Dean!” Sam tore Dean away from Jack and Baby, carrying him off to sit on the sidewalk’s curb. Bent him, head between knees, helping him work past growing hysterics. Jack followed them, hovering. Shadow blocking the sun from shining above, casting him in darkness. Thinking this makes Dean spiral further. “Breathe Dean, just breathe.”

           It’s stupid. Dean wastes valuable time, their world crumbling all around them. And what is he doing? Crying. Making Sam and Jack comfort him because Dean lost the shovel he usually buries his feelings with. Empty probably taking that, too. It’s stupid. Maddening. Also, completely unavoidable.

           Dean wondered if, one day, he might shatter so completely gathering those pieces might prove impossible. He has his answer, at the worst possible moment.

           Soon he calms, and Dean can lift his head without flashing back there.

           “Dean…” Sam starts, cautiously. Treating Dean too carefully given how far into this war they’re in. “Dean, Cas’s deal… the Empty wanted him happy?” Nodding, Dean waits for the next question. Dreading it. “What… what did he do?”

           Sam hadn’t broken down, when they found Eileen’s duffel – and her phone. Recovered best he could and shouldered his pain. Allowed those seconds of grief, then used it as fuel. Whereas Dean drags his suffering into eternity. Mourns his best friend, and their lost potential. A stolen future. Years spent in denial. If he’d taken a chance earlier… at some point. “Cas,” Dean sighs, “he let himself… he confessed…” Explaining it was too difficult, but Sam needed to know. Jack, too. “He loved me, Sam.” Laughing, Dean wipes at his eyes. “He loved me, after all I – he still… he loved me, and that killed him.” Whispering, he repeats, “He loved me.”

           Sam’s features shifted, journeying from shock to a pitying understanding. Rubs comfortingly at his back, sighing. “Loving you was what made him happiest?”

           “Yeah… it was, it was so simple…” Dean uncurls, teetering, flirting with the idea of lying on his back. He and Jack trade a fleeting glance, Dean checking his reaction. Not surprised in the slightest. Kid’s too damned insightful. “Just admitting it was enough and… and you know what he said? He said he… Cas believed it was something he could never have?” His chest tightens, and Dean scoffs. “I don’t… how could that be – how could loving me be, I’m… how can I be Cas’s happiness? Out of all he could have had, and what he wanted was me – what I… what I thought I could never have.”

           “Don’t say that Dean,” Sam admonishes, “you are worthy of having love.”

           Shrugging, Dean turns from his and Jack’s heavy stares. Looks at the pooling egg yolk again; focuses on that spreading mess. “Cas said about as much, before the Empty… had this whole speech that I – it felt like I was being peeled away. Called me out for… it all feels so meaningless. Is that what it felt like, with Eileen? Being with someone who can see through you and make all this big stuff seem – well, seem not so big anymore?” Sam agrees, as much. “There we were Billie hot on our heels. Waiting for death, and he spits out the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. I almost forgot what was going on. It was just him and me… him seeing – seeing me. And you know what I did? Not a goddamn thing…”

           “Dean…”

           “I could barely speak, I – I was so scared,” Dean admits, “if you’d’ve been there Sam, the look of – look of finality that was there, alongside the love, and peace, and happiness. I always wanted to hear him say that, couldn’t predict him saying all of that… I would’ve traded it if it meant he’d stay. And I can – I get to have him in the only way we could. But he made up his mind, like with Jack. Took Billie down, and him, too. Leaving me there – alone – that it… when I finally said it back, I was too late.”

           They echoed. Hung in the air. Mingled with Cas’s blood on his sleeve and the fresh tears pouring out of him. Shook Dean down to the very core of his being, barely hearing it past the low pitch of static filling his ears. Dean thought those words innumerably before, imagined different scenarios, played pretend in the comfort of his room where no one can see.

           No one ever will, now.

           “I…” Dean tries saying his truth. It doesn’t want to come out. He continues regardless, “I miss him, Sam. Why do we do this? Hurt everyone we’ve ever cared about? Hell, the whole world’s collateral damage because of us!” Exhausted, Dean gives in. Falls fully off the cliff, lying on the sidewalk. Arms spread beside him while he watches endless blue.

           Sam squeezes his knee, “I miss her too. I miss them all.” He stands, adding another shadow. Jack’s advancing, too. Blanketing Dean in a strange temperature. Not cold, still there’s an absence of warmth he notes. “But it’s not on us. It’s Chuck. Always has been…”

           “Then is this it?” Dean asks, “One last play, even if it kills us? Even if it can’t bring everyone back?”            

           “At least we died fighting, then.”

           Dean cannot argue with this. He doesn’t feel too inclined to move yet. “For them,” he says, closing his eyes. “This isn’t about us, anymore. It’s about all of them. The world… our family… Eileen and – and Cas.”

           Their shadows move. He senses them leave, sunlight returning. Bringing with it more memories. Of how it felt first hearing Cas say it. A natural glow that lit from within. Snuffed in Cas’s next breath, as Billie’s fist pounded on the door, and when the bitterness of Cas’s declaration hit his tastebuds. Dean grasps for that feeling, basking under the sun. Pretends it’s Cas giving him that gorgeous, soul-shattering smile. Encouraging him into his final battle. Telling him it’ll be over soon, he’ll be done, and that he loves him.

           He loves him. He loves him. He loves him.

           “I love you Cas.”

           Dean will rise. Gather what little he, Sam, and Jack have and rush at Chuck until there truly is nothing left. Of this world. Or of them. But that’s later.

           Right now, Dean dreams of his losses. Apologizes, one by one, faces blurring together as he starts counting strangers his mind saved for no purpose other than to make him carry more crosses.  Never his, though.

           Cas’s face shines uninterrupted, clearly, like the sun. There even as everything else fades. In the safety of his mind, where the Empty can’t steal him. In the safety of his heart, that Chuck can’t control. In his hands, wearing Cas’s blood like a badge of honor and pride.

           And love.

[prayedtoyou]

elevator confessions

Destiel // 1.6k words // general audiences // mentions of past canon MCD

i was inspired by this adorable fanart by @kamicom because it kinda looks like they’re in an elevator and i just had to write something. i know it’s an older fanart, but i just saw it for the first time ever yesterday and i absolutely adore it and i think we could all use a little love confession and some fluff. so, without further adieu ~

“How did you know Amanda Lay?”

The girl—Emily, Dean remembers—hands him and Cas a couple cups of coffee. It’s early morning and smells like the rain they drove through on the ride here the night before. The windows of her high rise Seattle apartment are all open and a soft breeze rustles a magazine on the coffee table, moves the floor-length curtains. The apartment is stunning in a shabby chic sort of way, full of floral designs and soft throw blankets. It’s not really Dean’s taste, but it’s spotless. Dean wonders if she’s been cleaning through her sadness.

“We went to grad school together.” She takes a seat in the white armchair across from the couch Dean and Cas are sat on. Her face is expressionless but her eyes are swollen. Dean’s seen it plenty of times before; people repress their grief around other people in the aftermath of a death so no one can see them falling apart. Dean’s been there himself more times than he’d like to remember. “We met in the food court between classes and clicked right away. We started living together a year after we met.” She looks from Dean to Cas and back to Dean. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think I had to talk to the cops about this, I wasn’t there.”

“The FBI takes things a little more seriously and we have to run our own investigation,” Dean explains. He takes a sip of his coffee and flips open his notepad. “I know this must be very difficult for you, but we appreciate any information you can give us.”

“The FBI is involved in a . . . bear attack?”

“Killers are very creative nowadays, Ms. Maxwell,” Dean continues quickly when he sees Cas’s mouth open up. He told Cas not to talk too much, since he was never really all that great at undercover work. “We have reason to believe that a person may have done this with their own makeshift claws.”

Dean knew there was no delicate way to put that, but he didn’t have to recite the words like they were out of a script. That’s the downside of having so much experience, sometimes you forget that other people care more than you do.

Emily’s stoic expression holds while she processes Dean’s words, but it breaks down slowly, and then, all all at once, she begins to shake under waves of sobbing. Her hands come up to cover her face as the gasping and wailing fill the otherwise composed apartment. Cas looks at Dean, clearly uncomfortable and unsure of what to do.

“Who would do that?” she shrieks, looking between Dean and Cas with tears streaming down her face, hands in fists on her knees. “To another person? To Amanda? Why would they do that to her? She didn’t do anything wrong!”

Dean opens his mouth to offer some sort of rehearsed condolence, but abandons the idea when she wraps her arms around her middle and bows her head over her lap, the crying continuing. She looks like she’s about to be sick.

Cas leans over and whispers, “Dean, what’s happening?”

It takes everything in him not to roll his eyes. “She just lost her friend, Agent Kossoff. She’s sad.”

“She wasn’t just my friend!” Emily blurts around a hiccup, pulling herself up enough to cast her angry red eyes at them. “I was in love with her! She was the love of my life and I never—” hic “—I never—” hic “—told her!”

Understanding floods through Dean. It hits painfully close to home, but he doesn’t have the time to think about it. He pushes the box of tissues on the table closer to her, hoping that’s what she needs right now. He watches as she takes one to mop up her tears and then another to loudly blow her nose. She’s an absolute wreck. A flash of a memory—knuckles against a back door, carrying a body inside, burning his best friend—knocks a little breath out of him. He pushes it away.

“I was going to tell her on her birthday,” she blubbers quietly, sobs subsiding. “I had this big plan with flowers and wine and some rom-coms. She never really liked parties, so I thought it could just be the two of us, and I could talk to her about it. But at the last minute she said she wanted to go hiking with her sister. I told her to be safe and call me if she had signal, but the next time I saw her was on the news.”

Dean pulls a few pages of his notepad back and finds a name. “Her sister, Kelsey, said that it happened while Amanda was out looking for some water, but Kelsey wasn’t attacked. Was there anyone who would have ever wanted to hurt Amanda?”

Emily shakes her head. “Amanda was the kindest person I’ve ever met. She was a veterinarian, for crying out loud, all she wanted to do was take care of animals and volunteer at the soup kitchen and paint. Everyone loved her.”

Dean nods, scratching a few words on his notepad. He glances at Cas who’s already looking at him, but quickly looks away. 

There isn’t much else she could tell them and Dean’s sure that she would rather be alone to cope with her loss than continue to be questioned by strangers, so he stands and Cas follows suit. He hands her a card. “We appreciate your time, Emily. If you think of anything else, please don’t hesitate to call.”

She takes the card with a nod and nothing else. Dean and Cas let themselves out and press the button for the elevator. It’s quiet between them as they wait for the car. Dean worries his lip, thinking about the times he lost Cas and regretted not telling him.

He should tell him. Before it’s really too late. Cas could die tomorrow—hell, he could die today on this case—and he’d never know.

Maybe Amanda knew and she went hiking because she was too afraid to deal with it. Maybe she thought avoiding Emily would make it feel less like breaking her heart. Maybe Cas knows, too. Maybe that’s why he never seems to stick around longer than a week or two at a time.

The elevator doors open for them and they step inside. Cas isn’t looking at Dean, more concerned with wringing his hands together like he’s nervous. Dean’s never seen him do that before; he looks so human doing it.

He should tell him. Cas is human now, so he’s vulnerable. The elevator cords could snap and they could fall 15 floors to their death. Someone could hit them on the drive back to the motel and crush them against the side of a building. Lightning could strike, a 10th story potted plant could fall, a dog could maul one of them and it’d all be over. He should tell him.

Dean Winchester has never been rumored to be a coward, not since he spent decades hunting monsters and staring Death in the face and fighting God himself. But this is different. This is scary—putting it all on the line to risk losing one of the most important people in his life. Still, he should tell him.

It’s just not the right time. Which is a problem, because it’s never the right time. He could have told him when he first started having these feelings, when they were new and confusing, but how could he explain something he didn’t even understand? He could have told him when he was planning on blowing up Amara and himself, but what would be the point in admitting his feelings when he was just about to die? He could have told him when Cas came back from the Empty, all shiny and new and lost, but there was too much else going on to worry about emotions. He could have told him in purgatory, both times, he could have told him in the hushed hours of the night when he knew Cas was watching over him, he could have told him, he should have told him, he should tell him, he—

“Dean?”

Cas’s voice startles him out of his internal argument. Cas is still distressing his hands and his gaze is zeroed in on the floor.

“Hm?” he replies.

Cas doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. He said Dean’s name so quietly he’s starting to wonder if he even said it at all.

“I . . .” Dean hears Cas audibly swallow and take a deep breath. “I love you.”

Dean’s brain short circuits. Cas didn’t really just say he loved him, did he?

“Hmm,” he hums in response. What does one even say to that? Yeah, I love you too and I have for years but I was too much of a pussy to say anything. And maybe also, Did you just have the same internal monologue as me and beat me to the punch? Perhaps with a side of, Was I even going to take that punch or just continue to repress my feelings for another ten years?

None of those things come out. Instead, he does what he does best and Dean Winchesters his way through it. He wraps an arm around Cas’s neck like it’s no big deal and pulls him in close enough to press a long kiss to his cheekbone. Cas is stiff for a moment, then relaxes and worms an arm around Dean’s waist.

“I love you, too,” Dean says against Cas’s skin.

Cas turns to face him and Dean turns at the same time and their mouths find each other without preamble.

When the elevator opens to the lobby, they walk out to the car like that, wrapped around each other, and then they hold hands in Baby, and then they meet up with Sam at the motel with smiles and breakfast sandwiches. Sam doesn’t say anything, but Dean thinks he knows. And that’s enough for now.

tags under the cut!

@joharvell | @good-things-do-happen-dean | @curly-cue-scamp | @queenvee08 | @cottondean | @flowersforcas | @letsgobethegoodguys | @sorrycas | @randomlikes24 | @hallowedbecastiel | @vought | @wanderingcas | ~ pls let me know if you’d like to be added to or removed from the list!

[fromparishwithlove]

Nothing But Handprints

[2,663 words, Destiel, mostly canon compliant]

A/N: Hey, hi, it’s midnight and I spent three days writing something and I actually finished it. It’s not that long, maybe 3,000 words but it’s something and I’m kinda proud of that. Ever since Supernatural ended I’ve found myself writing more and more. I’m actually working on a full fic and right now, it’s the most words I’ve ever written for one story, even though it just a shitty first draft. But before I publish that, I wanted to share something smaller, ease my way in so to speak. So this is a lot of Dean Winchester angst and a sort of continuous ‘Oh Shit’ moment in which he processes lots of memories and realises the impact Castiel had on his life, many of which are connected by the significance of the handprint. Ahhh the beloved handprint! Tbh I was kind of inspired by Jensen’s enthusiasm for bringing it back in 15x18 so you can thank him if you like this story. I think I’m going to eventually add this to Ao3 and it may get a sequel but for now, I hope you like it. Or at least don’t hate it.

Cas was gone.

Dean felt the loss as surely as if one of his lungs had been ripped out. Maybe it had. Maybe that’s why it was so fucking hard to breathe. And still he kept dragging in air, each breath a razor blade - Inhale. Exhale - forcing himself to endure the exquisite pain of survival.

Survival, he knew, was its own brand of suffering; barbed with regrets and heavy with the keen sting of memories.

Behind his eyelids bullets ripped through a dusty trenchcoat. A familiar voice admonished him; he was almost out of minutes. The cool press of fingertips brushed against his forehead. The silver streak of an angel blade caught the light. A fist collided with his jaw with a sickening crunch. A huff of involuntary laughter escaped from reluctant lips. Stubble scraped his cheek as he pulled the angel into a hug. Shades of blue crowded his vision - the garish blue of a crappy general store tabard, the endless blue of the morning sky as he wrestled his way out of his own grave, the untamed blue of angel grace, humming with raw energy. And best of all, the solemn blue of that unflinching gaze. There was a discarded cowboy hat on the backseat of the Impala. A game of Sorry pushed across a table and into his hands. A shitty four door saloon the colour of middle-aged misery.

And the brand of salvation burning on his skin - the Righteous Man, touched by an angel. The same handprint that now stained his jacket bloody.

As hard as he tried, all he could do was remember as shuddering breaths turned to wracking sobs.

*

Whatever this thing was, it had marked him. Searing it’s own handprint into the flesh of his shoulder, staking its claim.

Dean couldn’t help but feel... violated.

He looked like a walking advertisement for one of those crappy tourist spots: take nothing but photos, leave nothing but footprints but in his case it read: take nothing but liberties, leave nothing but handprints

He ran a tentative finger over the raised flesh and hissed at the contact. It felt raw, like a burn; still stinging and angry.

He glared at it, hoping the sheer force of his loathing would somehow dissolve it. But it remained, stubborn and resolute.

It looked human. That was the worst thing. To think there was something out there - something monstrous - masquerading in the body of an innocent person... And with enough power to pull him from the pit.

That thought alone was enough to chill the blood in his veins.

And what did that mean for him? He bore its signature on his skin after all. Did that mark him as it’s property?

He belonged to no man. And no monster.

He would rather spend a lifetime in Hell.

*

Getting up off the floor had been the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. Turning his back on the last place he’d seen Cas near impossible.

What if, by some miracle, he came back? He deserved to know Dean had waited. After all, Cas was the only one he’d ever really had any faith in.

But Dean had given up on miracles long ago.

He let his phone ring out again and again; the sound too harsh in the grief-stricken silence. What if he never answered? What if he let Sam believe he was dead? Cas too. Because in reality, he felt as good as.

*

When she saw the mark on his shoulder, her eyes widened a fraction, her mouth parting in what Dean recognised as wonder.

Dean Winchester is saved.

The words came back to him as she aligned her palm with the echo of Castiel’s, caressing the raised skin with a gentle touch.

Something about the contact made him feel nauseous. Even though they were pressed together, not a breath between their bodies, he felt as though she had dug her nails into an open wound. A shudder of revulsion ran down his spine. He suppressed the urge to shake her off, instead drawing her attention away with a searing kiss.

The feeling of unease was harder to dislodge.

The mark itself no longer bothered him; it had faded somewhat and by the time Pamela used it to make contact with Castiel it hadn’t so much as tingled. This sudden display of hostility triggered by Anna’s touch unnerved him.

Maybe it was because she was an angel. Maybe it could sense her power, reacting with whatever traces of energy Castiel had left behind.

Or maybe it was something subconscious in Dean; something he didn’t want to acknowledge - couldn’t acknowledge - for fear of what that might mean.

But he couldn’t outrun the truth.

He noticed how Castiel turned away when Anna leaned in to kiss him goodbye. Thought he saw a flicker of jealousy contort his features. But only for a split second.

And once again that involuntary feeling of distaste rose up inside him, rearing it’s head, demanding to be heard.

And this time he listened.

And this time he recognised the ceaseless lament of his guilt.

*

Every cell in his body screamed in protest as he staggered out of the bunker. Every step a monumental effort. It was as though The Empty had created a vacuum when it had taken Castiel, and now it threatened to drag him into the same darkness.

He was exhausted; more than once he had to fight the urge to lay down and never get back up. But he knew he couldn’t.

He had to get to Sam, had to confront Chuck and demand he bring Cas back. He pinned all his hopes on it. Because if Chuck - Lord God Almighty himself - couldn’t bust Cas out of The Empty, what hope did he have of doing it himself?

So he dragged himself behind the wheel of the Impala and tried to ignore how normal it felt to sit there, as if he were just heading out on another case. As if the whole world hadn’t shattered apart and been clumsily glued back together in a matter of heartbeats.

He refused to look over at the passenger seat, refused to acknowledge the empty space beside him. Castiel had occupied that space just a few hours ago.

Could that be right? Had it only been a few hours since they’d made the journey to Lebanon, their silence weighted with shared worry yet still companionable? How had he lost so much in so little time?

*

Castiel arrived in the nick of time.

Zachariah had been gearing up to do some serious damage. He might not have been able to kill Dean on account of his status as Michael’s Vessel but he could still make him suffer. And Dean knew he had riled him. But nothing, not even the threat of what was to come would induce him to say yes. Zachariah had simply given him an advantage, a roadmap of what not to do to. He wouldn’t end up a cold, callous, merciless soldier like his future self. He wouldn’t. He refused to believe there would ever come a day when he would willingly sacrifice his friends and family - his fellow comrades - no matter what Heaven or Hell put in front of him. He would rather die than live to see himself become so despicable.

“That’s pretty nice timing Cas.”

“We had an appointment.”

His answer was so matter of fact, so practical, that Dean couldn’t help the smile that broke over his face. It implied that Dean could’ve been minutes away from death or simply completing the crossword and Castiel still would’ve come for him at that exact moment. But there was something coy about the set of his features, something like amusement twitching at the corner of his mouth.

Dean was under no illusion that, somehow, Cas had sensed he was in danger and, despite his apparent ignorance, had slipped in and taken Dean while Zachariah’s back was turned. It was crafty, calculated, almost petty in its brilliance.

And now Castiel stood looking at him, ready to talk, to plan their next move, without even a hint of expectation in his gaze.

He didn’t boast or demand gratitude. He didn’t want Dean’s thanks; he just wanted to be included.

The realisation hit Dean all at once, Castiel’s own words coming back to him as he considered how the balance between them had shifted.

You don’t think you deserve to be saved.

But Cas had saved him. Had been trying to save him for a while now but Dean had just been too blind to see it. When he had freed him from Hell he had been following orders but now, he had simply taken it upon himself to remove Dean from trouble’s path.

Against all odds and the interests of Heaven, an angel had his back.

Dean took a step forward and, placing a hand on Castiel’s shoulder, he said, “Don’t ever change.”

What he meant to say was: Don’t ever change back. Don’t ever serve the interests of others when you know in you’re heart they’re wrong. Don’t ever become unreachable, unknowable. Don’t ever stop being the angel on my shoulder because without you, I’d die.

There was so much he had meant to say but the words died on his lips. He hoped that Cas understood just from the look in his eyes, the force in his tone, the significance of that hand on his shoulder.

Dean knew that he didn’t always tolerate human contact but Castiel didn’t shrug him off. He allowed Dean to grip his arm, the fabric of the trenchcoat screwed up under his fingers. For a minute Dean held on and when he finally drew away, he half expected to see the shape of his palm imprinted there, just as Castiel’s handprint adorned his own shoulder.

*

He drove on autopilot, trusting his body to react accordingly; his mind was otherwise consumed by bittersweet memories that made his throat ache and his eyes sting.

He replayed every journey they’d ever made together, nothing but open road before them and unsaid words between them.

You changed me Dean.

His tears ran hot, spilling down his cheeks and splashing into his lap.

Dean had immediately recognised the truth in Cas’ words, but they still reverberated through him like the tremors of a distant earthquake. Letting himself consider the possibility that he, an insignificant stain on the Earth’s crust, had changed Castiel, a centuries old celestial warrior, was incomprehensible.

It was like... staring into the sun.

The more he told himself not to, the more he became blinded by its glare. Dean wanted to squint whenever he looked at it, shield his eyes from its radiant sincerity.

Because he had known it this whole time. Known and never admitted it to himself.

He had witnessed firsthand Castiel’s transformation from a finely tuned, emotionless instrument to a discordant orchestra of empathy and feeling and not once had he suggested it was his own influence that had inspired such a change.

Because how could he have inspired such honesty and compassion, gentle humour and tenderness? He was stubborn and defensive, worn down by years of trauma and still so full of anger.

But he was wrong.

Of course he was wrong.

I cared about the whole world because of you.

It felt too big to accept so readily and yet... Dean remembered the first time he’d made Cas laugh, the first time he’d heard doubt creep into his voice, the first time his cheeks had flushed with embarrassment, his eyes had filled with sorrow, his shoulders had sagged with relief. He remembered it all and he remembered his own despair, his exhaustion, his cocky bravado. He had begged and reasoned and joked with reckless abandon. He had unwittingly smothered Cas with his humanity and instead of suffocating, Castiel had simply taken a deep breath, filling his lungs with every human emotion they’d ever dared to beat out of him.

*

His body felt beaten, his mind battered and broken.

Sam didn’t even have to ask as he forced himself out of the car to meet his younger brother’s eyes.

Understanding glimmered there. He might not know the details but Sam recognised the same heartsick anguish that gripped his own soul. The same bone-deep weariness that had settled over him ever since discovering Eileen was gone.

They had lost everything. Everyone.

Details would come later; coaxing out the truth one shot of whiskey at a time. Although, looking at the state of his brother, Sam wondered whether it wouldn’t take several bottles.

*

Dean took another pull on his beer.

He couldn’t understand why he’d done it. Maybe he hadn’t meant to. But sure enough it was gone. Every day the past slipped further and further away, fading as quickly as dreams but still he couldn’t help but reach for those memories.

There was barely anything left to remind him. Sam was... Well, Dean found it hard to think about Sam. And Cas... Dean hadn’t seen or heard from him in almost a year. He was starting to think Cas had removed the mark on purpose; some deluded attempt at helping Dean forget. Perhaps he thought it was a mercy.

But Dean didn’t want to forget. Not if it meant forgetting what it felt like to belong.

Once again he found himself in front of the mirror, beer on the counter, sleeve rolled up, his own hand pressed to the place where Castiel’s had once been.

He could hear Lisa moving around downstairs, glasses clinking, Ben’s laughter loud and jubilant out in the yard. He shouldn’t be here. Not again. Not today. He should be down there manning the barbecue, joking and celebrating with his family.

But he couldn’t seem to tear himself away. There was nothing to see and yet he kept on searching.

Mary had always said that angels were watching over him but his angel had abandoned him, leaving no trace behind.

Dean’s grip tightened, nails digging into his flesh. He relished the pain but it was not enough.

*

“You’ve got to bring him back.”

He’d ground out the words with deliberate force, still reluctant to admit Cas was gone, to admit that he alone couldn’t save him.

But Chuck had merely shrugged off their surrender. Apparently he was happy to simply watch them flounder. With no one left to fight for and no monsters left to fight, the brothers would be effectively made redundant. Just Sam and Dean and an eternity of suffering stretching out before them. How could that be the end?

In Dean’s opinion it was shitty, lazy writing. Surely Chuck would grow tired of their struggle soon enough and then what?

Stripping him of his power, his divinity, his immortality had been deeply satisfying. Dean relished the moment he turned his back on him, refusing to expend the effort it would take to kill him. That was, after all, not who he was. Not anymore.

For the first time in his life, he was going to carve his own path - without destiny or prophecy or some omniscient douchebag shoving him around on the chess board.

The thought terrified him. Did he even know how to live a life when his every movement wasn’t being dictated by someone else?

He supposed his first move would be the obvious one. But it was the only one he really wanted to make. With Jack taking on the role of God, his task of liberating Cas from The Empty seemed fractionally less intimidating. They would find a way.

Dean swore to himself that no matter how long it took, no matter the lengths he would have to go to, he would see Castiel again. And when he did, he intended to drag him out of the darkness and cover his soul with his handprints.

[destieltropecollection]

Destiel Trope Collection 2020 Day 10: Enemies to Lovers

It's a Match! | @suckerfordeansfreckles

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 2015 Main Tags/Warnings: pining, online dating, getting together Summary: Dean has seen the guy a handful of times, mostly at Charlie’s parties or when out and about with her — it’s only been six times that Dean is aware of, actually. Not that he counted. Well. He did, maybe, count a little. But that’s only because the guy is seriously gorgeous, and also seems to seriously hate Dean. Like, frowns and dark stares and leaving the room when Dean enters it. And that is most definitely the only reason why Dean keeps track of their meetings. It has nothing to do with the fact that, for whatever stupid reason, Dean feels all fuzzy and happy and warm around this stupid, scruffy, handsome, dark-haired and blue-eyed Cas-guy. Something about him just… does things to Dean’s head.

In The Ballroom | @gii-heylittleangel

Rating: General Word Count: 2594 Main Tags/Warnings: lovers to enemies to lovers, broken relationship, getting back together, false mentions of cheating Summary: The high school dance was useless in Castiel's opinion; there was nothing to do, people were incredibly annoying, and he would be alone. But, having Charlie Bradbury as his best friend, he had no choice but to go; after all, there was a tiny chance he would get tacos after the party. Castiel did not get tacos but he got something a lot better.

Ring a Bell for the Righteous Man | @pray4jensen

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 3003 Main Tags/Warnings: Enemies to Lovers, Royalty/Fantasy AU, Soul Bond, Marriage, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dubious Consent Summary: An hour passes and the prince doesn't bed him. Dean thinks that maybe the prince doesn't have any intention of doing it at all, and if that's the case, it'll be Dean who'll face the consequences. So, thumbing a finger down the length of Cas' wings, Dean taunts, ""I thought you promised Lord Alastair that I wouldn't be able to walk, your highness."" Dean pauses. ""Are you doubting yourself, my lord?""

Addicted | @verobatto-angelxhunter

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 3671 Main Tags/Warnings: Season 4/5 canon divergent, Destiel, slow burn, Badass! Castiel, first kiss, first time, explicit sexual content, canon typical violence. Summary: Dean can't get Castiel out of his mind. Everytime the angel is in front of him, is hypnotizing. He needs to know what is going on with him. Why Castiel is so irresistible? And why he feels that empty everytime the angel isn't near him.

the light of falling stars | @procasdeanating

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 4980 Main Tags/Warnings: Alien!Cas, wing fic, inspired by a movie (enemy mine) Summary: … when Lieutenant Dean Winchester and the two ships under his command engaged in combat with a Seraph squadron. Two army ships were destroyed, while one fighter, presumably Lt. Winchester’s, made a forced landing on a nearby uninhabited class D planet after triggering the emergency protocol. The ongoing search has not produced conclusive results. Lt. Winchester is classified as missing in action…

First Impressions | @suckerfordeansfreckles

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 7254 Main Tags/Warnings: hospital AU, ftm trans Cas, top surgery, mentions of medical stuff, sharing a room Summary: When Cas wakes for the first time after his surgery, there’s sunlight tentatively streaming through the window to his right. It takes him a while of uncoordinated blinking and thinking until he realizes where he is, why he’s here. And then the giddiness comes, sudden and overwhelming, when he looks down at his chest and there is none. The reality is almost too much to grasp and his hands shake a little when he tries to raise them to touch. He's happy, and giddy, and so thankful. And then a nurse wheels in his new roommate, one very obnoxious and flirty Mr. Winchester. Cas just... cannot wait to watch all of this play out.

The Galaxy's Most Wanted | @saltnhalo

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 10160 Main Tags/Warnings: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Space Pirates, Enemies to Lovers, Blow Jobs, Frottage, Angry Sex, Sexual Tension Summary: Dean had been the one always up to mischief, running around with his father’s broken laser pistol and constantly getting into places he shouldn’t have been. Sam, in comparison, always seemed to be the smart, studious one – until he reprogrammed the AI in their neighbours’ house to play ‘Happy Birthday’ at the loudest possible volume while keeping all the doors and windows firmly locked. It had taken two experts seven hours to undo the coding that Sam had managed to integrate into the house’s programming. So, yes. They had been exceptional even from the beginning. And when John Winchester crossed one too many people, his sons inherited his beloved ship, and took to the cosmos doing what they knew best: stealing. And they were damn good at it too. Almost unrivalled, across their own galaxy and even those neighbouring. Almost.

Love Thy Enemy | @gii-heylittleangel

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 11887 Main Tags/Warnings: revenge planning, use of guns, major characters injury Summary: After being betrayed by the Men of Letters, Dean makes the most stupid, idiotic, and best decision of his life: ask Castiel Novak, his long time enemy, for help.

The Quest for the Demon King's Heart | @cr-noble-writes

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 12500 Main Tags/Warnings: fantasy au, demon king!dean, wood elf!cas, enemies to lovers, mutual pining, minor character death, major character injury, angry sex, angst with a happy ending Summary: In a fantasy land, Dean, the Demon King, goes to a distant guild to take a break from evil, where he meets a young adventurer, Castiel, on a quest to slay the Demon King. For fun, Dean helps and protects the adventurer, and affection grows between them. Then, they arrive at the gates of his castle.

A Virgin to Redeem the Billionaire | @notfunnydean

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 16660 Main Tags/Warnings: Manipulation, Emotional Manipulation, blackmailing someone into a relationship, Mentions of drug selling (not Destiel), Mentions of cheating (not Destiel), virgin!cas Summary: When Castiel meets Dean Winchester, the other man seems to be a real asshole. So it doesn’t surprise him, when Dean shows up again and this time blackmails Castiel in a horrible way. Castiel agrees to be his boyfriend, only to protect his family, but along the way he actually falls for Dean.

The Bakery | @dates-with-cas

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 41075 Main Tags/Warnings: angst with a happy ending, offscreen character death, enemies to lovers, workplace sex, semi-public sex, attempted rape/non-con, mentions of past sexual abuse, alcohol as a coping mechanism, sex as a coping mechanism, sex in a kitchen, unresolved past trauma, top!Cas, bottom!Dean Summary: Dean Winchester loves his job, and he's thrilled to have his boss' brother coming in to work over the holidays, that is until he meets Castiel Novak for himself. The man is picky, grouchy, and absolutely fucking gorgeous.

The Path Between the Stars | zaphodsgirl (AO3)

Rating: Mature Word Count: 53111 Main Tags/Warnings: AU - Labyrinth Fusion, Angst with a Happy Ending, Minor Character Death Summary: It's been almost fifteen years since Dean met the enigmatic goblin king, Castiel. After failing to complete the labyrinth with Sam to save baby Adam, Dean is forced to make a deal to secure their freedom. Five years ago he finally gave in to the feelings he’d been keeping at bay for some time, only for Castiel to disappear from his life completely without a word. When Dean relays the story of the labyrinth to Sam's girlfriend Eileen, an opportunity presents itself for him to get some answers...and maybe have a second chance at something he hadn't dared to believe was real.

Of Twists and Turns | @kitmistry

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 75080 Main Tags/Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Pirate AU, Implied Drug Use, Minor Character Death, Amputation, Sea Monsters, Hunter Dean Summary: When naval surgeon Castiel Novak is captured by the Black Impala pirates, he has no choice but to agree to their terms: He is to serve on their ship for a whole year before they release him. That doesn’t mean he is going to like it, though. Especially when their captain is the embodiment of everything Castiel despises. Determined to earn his freedom, Castiel settles into the life of an outlaw. When the pirates’ true goal is revealed, though, he can no longer deny that things are not as black and white as he thought they were. And he can’t deny how drawn he is to Captain Winchester either.

Sovereign | @pomegranatedaffodil

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 87974 Main Tags/Warnings: Arranged Marriage, Hate to Love, Fantasy AU, Royalty AU, Virgin Castiel, Switching, Slow Burn, Minor Injuries Summary: When his brother embarks on a risky venture, Prince Dean of Pellia’s only choice is to enter into a marriage with the king of Arxelle in order to save Sam’s life as well as his own. King Castiel is severe, aloof, and no more happy about their hasty wedding than Dean. Marital bliss is the last state either of them expects to reach, but as Dean spends more time in his new home, he and Castiel slowly begin to settle into a partnership that allows them to put the needs of their kingdom before their own feelings. The longer they spend together, though, the more those feelings develop, daring them both to wonder if they might ever be husbands in more than just name.

Shot Through The Heart | @peanutbutterjelly-pie

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 156327 Main Tags/Warnings: Alternate Universe, Men of Letters, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Humor, Case Fic, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Bottom Dean Summary: As a hunter Dean finds himself more often than not relying on the help of the Men of Letters. Most of the time that's not much of a problem - if it wasn't for Castiel, the smartass bookworm with the piercing blue eyes, the messy hair and the rude attitude. He's been an annoying thorn in Dean's side since day one - and the hunter doesn't see that change anytime soon.

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. LXXIV

It was a love story from the very beginning

You Are (Part III)

(11x23)

Hi! We reached the last meta from season 11! Yay!

As I disclaimed in my last meta, this is a Destiel centered series of analysis, so the rest of the topics could be taken superficially.

Hope you enjoy! Let's start!

[[MORE]]

You are back

Çhuck, God himself, was agonizing on the floor, the event most important on the entire Universe, but even so, Dean ordered Sam to go to check on him, because Dean wanted to check on his angel, his own personal universe.

Gif credit @mad-as-a-box-of-frogs

So the relived and slight one side ways smile he showed when he realized his Cas was back, it was priceless.

So, okay, the world was about to end, but Dean has Cas back, so... 🤣🤣

And later, when Cas made a innocent appreciation about Dog's breakfast, Dean just feels so proud of him. Throwing to his brother "Cas is back."

But I know we are not here for this little scenes ... But the nefarious car talk... Okay, let's suffer now.

I for We. And you are a brother to Us

We all know there was plenty alcohol in that bunker when Dean decided not to die sober.

The camera showed us deliberately, when the hunter opens the fridge, we had beers there.

So the 'let's go to a ride to buy some beers before the world ends' was just an excuse.

He invited Sam to covered his intentions, knowing Sam would reject him for sure.

So, when Sam said no, as he was expecting, he calls for his angel.

Once in the road, the conversation wet from one point, to another. But the way it ended it wasn't pleasent.

DEAN: How you doing? You good? I mean, you know, the whole Lucifer thing.

So, this is what happens with Dean: he can openly talk about his feelings or other people's feelings with Sam or Jody, but he lost track of his own words when Cas is in front of him. So here, by this, he wanted to know about why Cas said yes, or... What was happening with him. Because he didn't see that coming. But he simplifies this whole ideas that haunting him for so many days and night without sleeping, saying 'the whole Lucifer thing'. The whole Lucifer thing means all of this, including his own deception of Cas rejecting to be saved by him. To come back to him. So there this wall between Dean's true feelings and Dean's words towards Cas. He is protecting himself from that pain, the rejection. So he is deeply concerned, but he needs to act cool.

CAS: I was just... so stupid.

Cas is still sad and feeling not usefulness.

DEAN: No, no, no. It wasn't stupid. You were right. You were right to let Lucifer ride shotgun.

Me and Sam wouldn't have done that.

By saying this, Dean is trying to convince Cas he was useful, and brave. Because he did something not Sam not him would do. Dean is trying to support him and comfort him, as a real friend would do. He could be yelling at him, and saying he did a stupid thing, as he uses to do when Cas takes this kind of decision, but this time is different, because he recognizes Cas said yes to Lucifer because he was feeling sad, and bad. And Dean didn't see that.

CAS: Well, it didn't work.

DEAN: No, but it was our best shot, and you stepped up.

CAS: I was just trying to help.

DEAN: Well, and you do help, Cas.

Dean repeats to Cas that what he did was useful, was very helpful, he is important in the fight. Now that he settled that point, is time to let the angel know he's not just important for the fight, but for him. Because he was terribly worried about him, not sleeping, imagine he could lost him forever... But his fears to rejection played Dean again.

DEAN: You know, l— You know, sometimes me and Sam have got so much going on that...we forget about everyone else.

He backtracked, but he tried, he tried to apologise because he didn't see what was happening with Cas. So he look for a shield. Sam. If he uses Sam, he won't be alone in his feelings... Because Sam loves Cas a a brother, a real friend. But not Dean. Dean is in love with Cas, so, Sam is the shield. Those feelings: BROTHERHOOD, FRIENDSHIP. Yes. Dean can handle that. But his true feelings? The first person talk? The L word?, He just can't right now... that's why he transforms I into WE/US/SAM AND ME. We didn't see you sad. We weren't aware of your depression.

CAS: Well, you do live exciting lives.

DEAN: [Chuckles] Yeah, that's one word for it.

But you're always there, you know?

With this Dean is trying to say another thing it was haunting his mind this whole time for sure. Cas always come when they call. Cas is always there for them. Cas takes care of him, all the time. He failed to Cas.

[Dean looks over at Cas]

DEAN: You're the best friend we've ever had.

Dean is feeling the cowardice all over him, using the shield, the safe WE and covering his own true emotions and feelings, to deliver a message to Cas: YOU ARE IMPORTANT, best friend, is wonderful privilege, a great place. But Cas is more than just that, even for Sam, so he adds...

You're our brother, Cas. I want you to know that.

Dean places Cas in Sam's spot: BROTHERHOOD that's the maximum place for a friend. So for sure, Sam considers Cas his brother. But is not the place Dean gave Cas in his heart. But is a safe word: BROTHER, there's not danger on that. Not feelings exposure. Not rejection.

Gif credit @mad-as-a-box-of-frogs👇

Cas' sad and disappointed expression when he hears Dean saying this is so painful to see. That's not the place he wants with Dean. So is more pain for his angelic heart. Dean, heartbroken as he was for being rejected when he tried to save him, is heartbreaking Castiel now. Misscomunication, that will take a huge place in Dabb's era.

Jealous Cas

Just a few words about this, because I'm addition to the new rejection our angel had felt in Dean's hands, when they were planing the soul bomb, they needed someone to get close to Amara. And Cas, who had witnessed the way Dean and Amara interacted, that... Bond, he gave his own opinion about the plan...

CAS: We need somebody to get close to her, someone with a... personal connection.

Cas made a face here, not a good one hehe. He knew about this, about their connection.

Goodbye

Dean said goodbye to his mom the grave ( as a foreshadow of her resurrection), to his brother, and then, it was time for Cas...

Gif credit @spnsmile 👇

The hug is tender, and Dean looks sad at the end. But then Cas throws to him his quote ...

CAS: I could go with you.

DEAN: No, no, no. No, I got to do this alone.

Castiel is always willing to die for Dean, so let him go alone to a certain death is not something he is able to handle, but because Dean is requesting him this, and then he even gave Cas a mission: to take care of Sam. That's why Cas stays. He has a new mission, to protect Sam and comfort him.

Finally, when the world was saved, the camera shows us Cas asking for Dean. Because his thoughts were with him the whole time. Just like Dean's thoughts when he wanted to get his angel back, or when they were planning to defeat Amara, and Dean asked what Cas thought about the plan, and Lucy mocked him, of course.

Gif credit @mad-as-a-box-of-frogs 👇

Need vs Want

The writers presented to us the topic we will explore in season 12/13 and even 14. What do you want, Dean?

Want is not need. The quote I NEED YOU. It was used by Dean Winchester in the crypt scene, as a shield too, to avoid the fact that he needs Cas because he loves him.

But here we have Amara

AMARA: Dean, you gave me what I needed most. I want to do the same for you.

And she wasn't wrong, she needed her brother to be in peace, and after a visit to the bunker, finding that pic with Mary and Dean on it, she perceived Dean needed his mom the most. So Dean will need his mother to finally find what he really wants. It will be the start of his self knowledge, self acceptance and self love that will lead him to finally express his true feelings for Castiel, that we all are waiting to happen in season 15.

I hope you enjoyed this!! See you in the next meta! Season 12!

To Conclude:

Last episode from this season showed us an attempt of Dean Winchester to put into words all the things that he was struggling with. But using Sam and changing the I for We/Us is a symptom of Dean's fears of being rejected. He is not ready to express his feelings which is translated into a new deception and rejection for Cas. Misscomunication.

Ending with the Need vs Want, preparing the self knowledge path Dean will have in season 14.

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weird-dorky-little-deana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @isthisdestiel @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@imjustkipping @destielle @agusvedder @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel

If you want to be added or removed from this list, just let me know.

If you want to read the previous metas from season 11, here you have the links.

Vol. LXII, LXIII, LXIV, LXV, LXVI, LXVII, LXVIII, LXIX, LXX, LXXI, LXXII, LXXIII.

Buenos Aires, August 11th 2020 5:30 PM

[destiel-owns-my-ass]

Destiel 15x18 Coda

I was waiting for someone to drop a coda for that scene in 15x18 and since y’all didn’t come through fast enough, I wrote it myself. I really hope y’all like this bc i poured my heart into it. Also this is hella sad and angsty so please get ready for that. Enjoy!

--------

The loud pounding on the door every minute or two made Dean even more distraught than he had been already. Death would get through this door any minute and take him. And there was nothing he could do about it. "She's gonna get through that door." Dean voiced his concerns out loud. He slowly stepped towards Cas, hoping maybe the angel had any idea how to get them out of this situation.

"I know. Cas wouldn't even look at him. 

"And she's gonna kill you, and then she's gonna kill me." How could the angel stay so calm in moments like this? They were about to die. Did he not understand the seriousness of the situation? The door kept pounding in the backround, making it impossible to stay calm. "I'm sorry." This was all his fault. If it wouldn't have been his stupid idea to confront death they wouldn't be here right now. "Wait, there is- There's one thing she's afraid of." Dean raised his gaze from the floor, looking at Cas with new found hope in his eyes. "There's- There's one thing strong enough to stop her." Cas continued. He turned to face Dean, with a look the hunter couldn't describe. Desperate, but somehow with a glimpse of hope in his eyes. He had no idea what the angel was talking about, but maybe there was a way out of this situation. Dean searched Cas face for answers before he continued. "When Jack was dying, I- I made a deal to save him." "You what?" What the fuck had that to do with this situation? And why hadn't the angel told him sooner? A surge of anger swelled up in his breast but Dean tried to ignore it. "The- The price was my life."

What? Shock and confusion filled the hunter. 

"When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the empty would be summoned and it would take me forever." "Why are you telling me this now?" Dean was trying to put the pieces together in his mind but this was all happening so fast. Billie kept banging on the door, and made it impossible to form a conherent thought. "I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what could it be, what- what my true happiness could even look like." Dean wasn't following. "I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want... it's something I know I can't have." The door kept pounding in the backround. Dean had just gotten out of almost having a heartattack a few minutes ago and now this. It was just all too much in too little time. "But I think I know- I think I know now." Cas had an odd smile on his face. Was that relief? "Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it.

"What are you talking about, man?" This didn't make sense. Not at this time. They were about to die. Why did Cas start monologing?

"I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean." Dean couldn't hide the confusion spreading in his face now. What did that have to do with anything? "You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. You're- You're Daddy's Blunt Instrument." No,no,no. Dean realised what direction this was turning into. He tried to keep his emotions at bay, the way he always did, but this was different. He felt his eyes tearing up. This couldn´t be happening. Not right now. "And you think hate and anger,that's- that's what drives you. That's who you are. It's not" Everything Dean wanted to do was to tell him to shut up. He had realised what was happening. He didn't know how or why- but it was. He could be wrong though. Dean begged to everything that meant anything to him that he was wrong. "And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love." What Cas was saying- he couldn't believe it. The shock washing over him right now was undeniable. "You raised your little brother for love. You fought this whole world for love. That is who you are. You´re the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know." Cas teared up too know.

Dean wished he could stop this, but whatever was happening right now... it felt final. The door kept pounding in the backound. Dean had to swallow. He couldn't comprehend what was happening right now. Too many emotions all at the same time, washing over him. He had never seen the angel behave this way.

"You know, ever since we met and ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me." A teared rolled down his face now. Dean couldn't think, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything but watch and listen. "Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you." Dean looked the angel deeply in the eyes, not being able to hide his fear now. "You changed me, Dean." "Why does this sound like a goodbye?" "Because it is." This was happening too fast. Dean slighty shook his head. No. This couldn't be happening right now. Cas couldn't leave him again. "I love you." What? No, he was lying, no one could ever love him, broken as he was. Dean couldn't accept this. Not right now. Not when Death was literally knocking on the door. "Don't do this, Cas" He was screaming in his mind. Please don't do this now, this is the worst timing ever. Dean heard a strange sound and turned around. The empty was summoned. He couldn't stop his lip from trembling. He turned his back to the empty to look at the angel one last time.The one thing, Dean had wanted for years, Cas had just admitted to. But he couldn't be happy about it. Because he would leave him. He searched the blue eyes he had learned to love, for anything. Any sign that this wasn't real. That this wasn't happening right now. But before Dean managed to get anything else out of Cas, the door swung open with a bang, and Billie entered the room.

"Cas-" was all he managed to say before Cas laid his hand on Dean's shoulder. "Goodbye, Dean" "What?" The angel pushed Dean away and all the hunter could do was to watch the man he loved get taken away from him. The black goo took both the angel and Death in a matter of seconds, before he could even realise what was happening. Dean stared at the spot in the room, in which the empty had dissapeared into. All that was left now was a deafening silence. He couldn't stop the tears from rolling down his face now. Cas was gone. The man he loved was gone and Dean didn't even have a chance to tell him. His phone started ringing, but Dean didn't have the energy to answer it. He knew it was Sam and he couldn't tell his brother what had happened. Not yet. Instead he just sat on the floor, sobbing into his palms and swearing to himself, whatever it would cost, he would get the angel back.

[sidecarghost]

Spn 12x11 “Regarding Dean” Canon Divergent Destiel Fic

Suptober20 - Day 26 Walk of Shame

Notes: Dean and Castiel both get a chance to ride the mechanical bull in this canon div fic.

Dean feels a cool breeze and reaches for a blanket to wrap himself in. But his hand finds nothing but... grass? His head pounds and his eyes protest as he wills them open. So, at some point his latest escapades got him passed out in a field. He pushes himself up into a seated position. The feral bunny that had been nuzzled into his side gives him a look of reproach.

“Hey little buddy,” Dean tells the bunny. “Do you know how I got here?”

The bunny hops away. Dean realizes he is missing some things like his phone, car keys, and clothes. He just has his brown bear boxer-briefs on. So last night either went really well or really bad. Sam would know. Just gotta give him a call. Dean walks in a random direction hoping to find someone for help.

Dean doesn’t have to look long, as he almost trips over a dude sleeping along the trail. This guy is following Dean’s trend of wearing underwear as sleepwear for the great outdoors. “Hey,” Dean reaches a foot out to tap the sleeping dude.

“Hey yourself,” a deep voice groggily answers.

“Cas?” Dean questions.

The not quite awake Castiel rolls over and squints at Dean. “Hello Dean,” he says. “You aren’t wearing any pants.” Castiel informs his friend.

“Yeah Cas,” Dean responds. “I’m not the only one.”

“So it would seem. Let me know when you solve the mystery of our wayward clothes.” Castiel yawns and begins to nod off again.

***

“Cas, what are you doing? You don’t sleep remember?”

“That does sound like something I’ve said,” Castiel admits.

“Come on buddy. Let’s try to find someone that can help us.” Dean tells the nearly comatose angel.

Castiel moans in a way that Dean decides is unfairly pornographic. Dean then finds himself staring as Castiel performs a full body stretch by reaching his arms back behind his head and stretching his feet out in the opposite direction. This maneuver causes all the well toned muscles on Castiel’s body to flex. Damn, Dean thinks, walking with Castiel in his underwear just got way more awkward.

“I’m going up the trail. Catch up when you can,” Dean tells Castiel as he hastily retreats away from his friend.

After a few minutes, Castiel has caught up to Dean on the trail and they see a park up ahead. Dean would rather not get arrested for public indecency, so he tries to think of a plan to somehow get a phone without exposing himself.

“Cas we can’t just walk into a park in our skivvies,” Dean says. “Do you have any ideas?”

“Um... if Sam was an angel we could pray to him to bring us clothes.”

“Do we know any angels that aren’t dicks and could help us?” Dean asks.

“No,” Castiel admits. “Networking has always been a challenge for me.“

“No worries Cas, nobody’s perfect.” Dean responds. As Dean considers their next move, he notices a runner in the park. The runner is the size of a small giant, and he has his trademark long, flowing hair partially covered by a beanie. “Hey Cas, look we are saved!” Dean shouts, “SAMMY!”

Sam turns at the sound of his name and runs up to Dean and Castiel. “Uh, why are you guys wearing nothing but your underwear in the woods?”

“I don’t know Sammy. Cas and I just woke up here. I can’t remember anything from yesterday.” Dean tells his brother.

“I know what happened. Apparently the memory curse doesn’t affect angels.” Castiel tells the brothers. “Dean and I went to a bar last night, and the bar had a mechanical bull.”

“Oh, wow a mechanical bull! How awesome is that?” Dean says excitedly.

“Yeah, you said the same thing last night, Dean. Anyway, Dean dared me to ride the bull. I knew if my vessel had full range of motion I would have more success at riding through the bucks.

“So I removed my trench coat, suit jacket, tie, and shirt. I still had my wifebeater on to preserve my vessel’s decency. I also removed my shoes and socks and hiked up my pants to help with gripping the bull between my legs. Dean must have been impressed with my performance because I could feel his eyes fixed on me while I rolled my hips through every buck that bull took me on.

“After my turn, I asked Dean what he thought of my riding. He responded with some unintelligible swear words. I went to grab my shirt, but Dean grabbed me by the arm before I could put it back on. I turned to look at him, and Dean fixed his eyes on mine.

“Dean had lowered his voice to barely a whisper when he told me I made him jealous of the bull. I have heard trillions of romantic declarations during my existence, but Dean’s utterance was easily the most romantic thing ever said by your species. So I kissed Dean. I haven’t kissed a lot but I thought the kiss was good, and that I would like to keep kissing Dean for the next several eons until the Sun consumed the Earth and we both became stardust.

“I was relieved to find out Dean seemed to also have a good opinion on the kiss, because we kept on kissing. We let our tongues lazily discover the sensation of slowly tracing out each other’s mouths. The sensation was very enjoyable.”

“That’s nice, Cas. But I think we should focus on the part of your memories that deals with you guys getting cursed,” Sam tells Castiel.

Dean gives Sam a bitchface and then tells Castiel, “Just ignore Sammy, Cas. I want to hear more about the things we did last night,” Dean says with something that sounds like longing in his voice.

“So eventually,” Castiel continues, “Dean wanted a turn at the bull too. He decided to follow my method and also stripped down to his undershirt. Dean hopped onto the bull and then waved me over asking me to join him.”

“Um... is this really relevant to getting cursed?” Sam asks.

“Shhh, don’t interrupt Sammy,” Dean says. “How did things go with the two of us on the bull Cas?”

“It was a little different from riding the bull solo,” Castiel reflects. “I got in position in front of you. And we leaned into each other in rhythm with the mechanical bucks. Our legs tangled together as we thrust through the motion. Dean wrapped one arm around my waist, and I gripped his arm back with one of mine.”

“My vessel began getting aroused from the whole experience. And I could feel evidence of Dean’s arousal each time he rolled his hips behind me. Dean suggested we go to the Impala at this point.”

“Holy shit Cas! I do not want to hear about you and my brother having sex in the Impala,” Sam complains.

“Well, then you are in luck Sam because we did not get that far. We had stripped off everything left but our underwear. I hadn’t realized what a brilliant construction the human somatosensory system was before last night. Every nerve receptor was set on fire from the feel of Dean’s finger tips touching my skin. Dean asked if his touches felt good, and I tried to make the most eloquent response possible with a ragged moan. I had once thought soulmates spending eternity in Heaven with just each other for company probably got boring. But last night I felt like spending forever in the Impala with Dean would be the most wonderful thing imaginable. And that forever wouldn’t be nearly enough time.

“But then this drunk guy stumbled and bumped into the Impala. I recognized him as the witch we were hunting. Dean and I burst out of the backseat to run the witch down. We ended up chasing him into these woods, but we both ran a little slower than usual because we didn’t have any footwear protecting our feet.

“Our delay gave the witch ahead of us enough time to cast a spell. The effects of the spell caused us both to go unconscious, and apparently also caused Dean to lose his memories. But I know all the witch’s info, so we should go to his family’s home to break the curse. Then Dean will get his memories back, and we can pick up where we left off.”

“Fuck yeah, let’s go already,” Dean agrees.

“Okay, okay just meet me by the road up 1/4 mile where it stays close to the woods. You can jump in the back seat of my rental car without being seen by anyone.” Sam says.

“Awesome, Sammy we will see you in a few minutes then.” Dean tells his brother. Sam nods and turns away to walk over to the parking lot on the far end of the park.

Dean and Castiel begin to walk further into the woods in the direction Sam pointed to them. Dean looks over at his friend and smiles at Castiel, and Castiel can feel the heat rushing to his vessel’s face. Dean reaches a hand out, and Castiel smiles softly back to Dean as he tenderly entwines their fingers together.

Dean thought about how he had been wanting to kiss Castiel ever since he had met him, and now he was pissed that some asshole witch had taken that away from him. But holding Castiel’s hand helped simmer the rage building in his blood. Castiel always helped ground him when everything else seemed to spiral out of control. He wished he could remember the feel of Castiel’s lips on his own.

Dean pauses on the trail, and he looks at Castiel and says almost shyly, “Cas, I was thinking we could try another first kiss before I get my memories back.”

“I would like that, Dean,” Castiel says with a smile.

“Only thing is, I should have asked Sam for a mint because I’m sure I got some wicked morning breath,” Dean laments.

“I’m an angel of the lord, Dean. I can fix morning breath,” Castiel says. Castiel continues to hold Dean’s hand with one of his own, and reaches his other hand towards Dean’s face. He then traces a finger over Dean’s lips. Dean playfully catches Castiel’s finger with his mouth and sucks down on it. Dean is rewarded with a sexy moan from Castiel, and the feeling of clean, minty freshness on his teeth and tongue. Castiel’s finger is let free from Dean’s mouth, and Dean resolutely determines to give Castiel a kiss that an immortal being would remember for the rest of their existence.

~~

Sam has been waiting on the side of the road for the past 45 minutes. He figures he knows exactly what is happening in the woods, and although he is happy that his brother and best friend found love, having to wait while they are hooking up is not how he wants to spend his morning. He considers driving back to the motel and leaving Dean and Castiel to walk back on their own.

And Sam chuckles at the thought of a billion year old angel doing the walk of shame with his brother. Fighting the supernatural takes a lot more away from the brothers, than it ever gives. But sometimes the universe conspires to make everything fun and ridiculous again. Sam checks the trunk for a duffle bag with a couple sets of spare clothes. He drops the bag and a burner phone in a place where it seems obvious from the woods, but isn’t visible to passing motorists.

Sam gets back in the driver seat and starts the car. As he drives back to the motel, he enjoys laughing to himself every time he thinks of Dean’s face when he realizes he’ll be walking back to the motel.

[dickspeightjrs]

Nut Up, Novak (au / 1.7k words)

Prompt 13 from my ‘30 Destiel Prompts’ for @caslikescoffeeandfreckles

ao3 link

Castiel hummed to himself. He felt like a bumbly bee, happily buzzing around the kitchen. He was packing up a lunch to have on a picnic date with Dean. 

The thing between them was still a little new. They’d only been on a handful of dates since they’d met at the library where Castiel worked. 

Castiel had been stacking and rearranging the shelves when this man had come sauntering up to him loudly asking about a book he needed. 

After telling him, politely, to lower his voice because the green-eyed man was getting glares from the college students trying to cram for finals, Castiel took him to the correct area that he needed in order to find the book he was looking for.

“Thanks, man, you’re a life-saver.” He said. “My nerd-ass brother needs it for his final but he’s deep in study mode.”

“You’re most welcome.” Castiel assured, with his customer service smile tacked onto his face. 

The man hesitated for a moment, raking his eyes up Castiel’s body, taking in the slacks and sweater vest Castiel was wearing. “How do you remember where all the books are in this place?”

Castiel shrugged, trying not to feel self conscious at the stranger’s examining gaze. “I’ve read a few from each section, which helps a little, I suppose. I also happen to enjoy my job.” 

“Wow,” he said, “you must be super smart.” He grinned a lop-sided smile. 

Castiel blushed. “Well, I don’t know about that. But thank you.”

The lop-sided smile on the man’s face turned into a cheeky grin. “So,” he said, leaning his shoulder against the bookshelf he’d just picked up a book from, “how about we get together one day soon and you tell me some of the stuff that’s in your big brain?”

Castiel’s face couldn’t get any more red. Was this, frankly beautiful, man asking him out? It couldn’t be. They’d barely known each other for even a few minutes but Castiel could tell this man wasn’t the kind of guy that was normally into him. 

Castiel’s tie and sweater vest certainly weren’t the typical match for the ripped jeans and henley that this wonderful man was wearing. 

“What d’ya say?” The man asked when Castiel still hadn’t given an answer. He seemed a little cocky to Castiel but, instead of being put off by it, Castiel just thought it was a little goofy and endearing. 

“I think I’d like that.” Castiel smiled. 

“Good.” The man pushed himself off the shelf he’d been leaning against, and pulled his wallet out of his jeans pocket. He produced a card and passed it over to Castiel. 

‘Dean Winchester. 

Singer Salvage & Autos

TEL: 07593123344’

Dean. It was suddenly the best name Castiel had heard (or seen, he supposed). 

“Text me.”

*  *  * 

Since then, Castiel discovered that Dean was much more than the cocky ‘bad boy’ vibe he’d tried to give off. 

For example, Dean cared a lot about his brother, Sam. He talked for most of their first date about Sam being the most hard working kid, and how he’d got into Stanford on a full ride. 

After about an hour, Dean had stopped for a second and cringed. “I’ve been talking about my dork of a little brother for our entire date, haven’t I?”

Castiel had chuckled and nodded but was quick to assure Dean that it was nice to hear about someone Dean cared so deeply for. He only hoped that one day Dean could care that much for him too. 

Now, Castiel was preparing for their third date. He’d planned a picnic to have on the grassy expanse overlooking the river on the edge of town. 

He was hoping that today would be the day that he’d finally work up the nerve to ask Dean to officially be his boyfriend. 

Putting the finishing touches to the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Castiel licked the remaining peanut butter off the knife. If he wasn’t saving room for when he ate with Dean later, he’d finish off the jar. 

Peanut butter was a gift from the Gods as far as Castiel was concerned. 

Noticing the time on the clock, Castiel rushed to pack the remaining parts of the picnic into the basket and leave out the door. 

*  *  *

Later, at the river, Castiel arrived first and set everything up in anticipation for Dean’s arrival. 

Looking at the spread of food laid out on the blanket, Castiel couldn’t help but feel proud of what he’d put together. He just hoped Dean would like it. 

The nerves began to set in and spotting Dean across the way, walking towards him, only made it worse. 

Dean looked good today. His dark blue jeans and khaki henley hugged him in all the right places. And it sent Castiel’s heart racing. How was he meant to pluck up the courage to ask Dean to be his boyfriend now? 

“Hey, Cas.” Dean waved, as he approached. 

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel replied, patting the spot on the blanket next to him, inviting Dean to sit down with him. 

“Oh man,” Dean said, taking in all the elements of the picnic in front of him, “did you do all this?”

“Yea,” Castiel couldn’t help but blush, “I thought it would be nice for our third date. I hope that’s okay?” 

Dean nodded with an excited smile on his face. “Yeah, dude, this looks awesome!”

“Thank you, Dean.”

Dean grinned from ear to ear. 

Gosh, Castiel thought, Dean truly was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. 

He couldn’t wait any longer. 

“Dean?” Castiel asked, making eye contact with the other man. 

“Yeah, Cas?”

“Um, I was wondering, considering we’ve been on a few dates now, and I really enjoy spending time with you, and you’re very kind and caring and-”

“Cas, you’re rambling. What do you want to ask me?” Dean teased, a knowing grin on his face. If Castiel wasn’t so nervous he’d tell Dean off for winding him up. 

“Sorry. I just wanted to ask if you’d be my boyfriend? Officially?” Castiel immediately closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see Dean’s reaction. 

A hand came to rest on Castiel’s cheek. 

“Castiel, look at me.” Dean whispered. 

Castiel fluttered his eyes open to find Dean’s green ones intimately close. 

“I would love to be your boyfriend.”

A huge smile spread across Castiel’s face. He was so happy. He’d never expected it to lead to this when he’d helped a slightly cocky guy look for a book but he would never change a thing. 

“Can I ask you a question now?” Dean smiled. 

“Of course, Dean. Anything.” 

“Can we eat some of your food now?” Dean gave Cas a cheeky grin. 

Castiel chuckled and nodded, moving to take the food out of the packaging he’d wrapped it in. Dean’s eyes lit up when Castiel took a pie out of the basket. Already, Castiel knew that he’d do anything to keep that look of happiness on Dean’s face. 

Dean’s happy smile stayed on his face as he reached over to pick up a sandwich from the pile Castiel had carefully constructed. 

But the smile quickly turned sour when he brought the sandwich to his mouth. Castiel frowned when Dean sniffed at it instead of taking a bite. 

Just as Castiel was about to get really offended, Dean spoke up. 

“Uh, Cas?” He asked. “What’s in these sandwiches?”

“Just peanut butter and jelly. They’re my favourite. I ate some earlier though so it’s okay, there's nothing wrong with them.” Castiel explained. 

“No, no Cas. It’s not that, it’s just,” Dean awkwardly rubbed at the back of his neck, placing the sandwich delicately back on the pile, “I have a nut allergy. That sandwich could literally kill me.” 

The blood drained from Castiel’s face. Dean had only just agreed to be his boyfriend and now Cas was trying to kill him! God, Dean would probably never want to see him again, let alone date him after this. 

“Oh my god, Dean! I’m so sorry! I had no idea. I didn’t even think. Oh god. I could have killed you.” Castiel frantically apologised, breaths coming fast and deep. 

“Woah, dude.” Dean raised his hands in a calming gesture. “It’s okay. It’s an honest mistake. You couldn’t have known.” 

Castiel could hear Dean’s words but his body wasn’t watching up. Deep breaths kept being drawn into his body. 

“Cas,” Dean gathered Castiel’s hands in his, “focus on your breathing and listen to me. It’s okay. I hadn’t told you yet. I’m fine. You’re fine. We’re okay.”

Castiel finally snapped back, his eyes focused on Dean’s. They then moved down to look at his hands enclosed by Dean’s.

Dean noticed Castiel calm and leant down to place a soft kiss on their joined hands. “Are you back with me?”

Castiel nodded. He didn’t trust his voice to speak. 

“It’s not something I usually tell people right away,” Dean explained, softly. “I dunno, I guess I feel embarrassed by it. It’s kinda nerdy. I tend to just avoid things where I don’t know that the food situation will be, y’know?” 

Hearing Dean speak badly of himself made Castiel find his voice. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You can’t help it.” 

Dean shrugged. “I just feel bad. You went to all this effort for me and I can’t eat it.” 

Castiel shook his head. “It’s okay, Dean. We still have the pie. I got an apple one because I remember you mentioning that it’s your favourite?”

Dean blushed. “You remembered that?” Castiel nodded. 

The two men looked softly at each other for a moment. Dean looked into Castiel’s eyes like he was searching for something. After a couple of moments, he must have found what he was looking for because he opened his mouth to speak. 

“Cas, how long ago did you have some of that peanut butter?” Dean whispered, moving his hand to cup Castiel’s cheek. 

Castiel frowned. “A few hours ago. Why?”

“I just wanted to check it was safe for me to do this.”

And with that Dean leaned forward to press a soft kiss to Castiel’s lips. Once Castiel got with the program, he opened his mouth to allow Dean to deepen the kiss. 

*  *  * 

Eventually, when Dean and Castiel moved in together, Castiel had to give up his favourite food. 

But he’d found that the taste of peanut butter wasn’t his favourite anymore. Instead, it was the taste of Dean every time they kissed. 

Now that was the true gift from the Gods. 

-

A/N: I hope you enjoyed it Lexi!

Fun fact: I have a severe peanut allergy so I really enjoyed writing this one lmao. And much like in the fic, everyone else is always more concerned about me dying from it than I am haha

If you liked what you saw, REBLOG! and consider reserving a prompt from my ‘30 Destiel Prompts’ challenge, or just send me your own prompt you’d like me to fill!

-

TAGS: @eccentriccas @starrynightdeancas @credentiast @imbiowaresbitch @starclaire @cockleslovesdestiel @bend-me-shape-me @destielfactory @dea-stiel @wendeano @wingsandimpalas @aggressivedean @flowersforcas @chill-legilimens @pancakesofthelord @saltnhalo @caslikescoffeeandfreckles @assbuttboyfriends @jhoomwrites @breathingdestiel @simplymisha @thekingslover @aelysianmuse

(once again tagging my faves, let me you if you’d like to be removed from future fics - or added if you’re not already there! we don’t have to be mutuals)

[drop-of-infinity]

I am once again continuing that one Destiel fic

This part is canon compliant with season 8 and it was thee most fun thing ever to write

Chapter one

Chapter two

Chapter three

Chapter four

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Chapter 5: season 8

1

{“Where’s the angel?” It was all he said, all he thought nowadays. Purgatory was pure because he knew what his goal was. Find Cas. Escape. Find Cas. Escape. Then there was Benny, who had become Dean’s friend more quickly then he wanted to admit. Well, friend wasn’t exactly the word for them. It wasn’t like Dean hadn’t slept with men before, but this was one of the only times he’d done it sober, and the only time he’d done it with a vampire. Purgatory was pure, and he was just himself down here. It was making him face some things he didn’t want to examine too closely, such as the way he felt about Cas. On the other hand, he could explain it away by saying it was just him and Benny down here, and Benny provided some things he missed about the outside world, but that wasn’t the whole truth. It didn’t matter really, he was just there to find Cas. “Where’s. The angel.”

2

{“Dean.”

“Cas! Damn it’s good to see you. Nice peach fuzz!” They had finally found him. After months, Cas was here in front of him. Dean hugged him tightly, because he was incredibly relieved and couldn’t quite control his impulse to touch. His skin ached with the need for it. The feel of Cas under his fingers was intoxicating, but the angel was still, unmoving, so Dean made himself step back. As he stared at Cas, subconsciously checking the angel for injuries, it suddenly hit him. Well, suddenly wasn’t really fair. This had been a long time coming, but it took the fear of purgatory and the relief of seeing Cas again for Dean to finally let himself see it. His breath hitched as he let the weight of it sink into his bones. Oh. I’m in love with him.

{“I have a price on my head, and I’ve been trying to stay one step ahead of them to... to keep them away from you.” Dean deserved the truth at least, so Cas gave it to him. As happy as he was to see him again-and he was so happy he felt like he might explode-he was also terrified. He had to keep Dean safe. He could feel the phantom touch of Dean hugging him, and was glad he had restrained himself from returning it. If he’d let himself hug back, all kinds of dams might have broken. Dean was still safest far away from him.

{“Cas!”

“Dean!” Dean was trying so hard to pull him out, and Cas could feel it slowly working, but... Dean’s hand was feverishly warm around his and his aching heart was easing, and he didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve Dean. He deserved to die. As the realization hit him, that he was meant to be in purgatory... Cas let go.

Blood Brother

{“Why’d you do it Dean? Resurrect me?” Benny’s question was fair. Dean had been wondering about that himself. As he often did these days, he found himself remembering purgatory. Dean was running desperately, Cas and Benny right behind him. The leviathans were coming. Benny was right. Cas was going to get them all killed. Dean didn’t care. He was fighting one of the monsters, managed to chop its head off, then looked over at Cas. A leviathan was kneeling over him, and Dean was too far away to do anything. He felt his vision tunnel. NO He thought frantically, I CAN’T LOSE HIM AGAIN. Suddenly, Benny was there, slicing down at the creature. Cas was safe. Dean shook himself back to the present and watched Benny climb into the boat. Why did I resurrect you? He thought, because you protected what I love.

7

{“Hello Dean.” Cas almost couldn’t force the words out. Face to face with Dean again, all the things he’d wanted to say went out the window. He didn’t know why he wasn’t still in purgatory, and he knew Dean would have questions he couldn’t answer, but right now the feeling of those familiar green eyes staring into his own was enough. It was everything.

{“Better?” Dean stared openly. Having Cas back hadn’t really sunk in until that point. With his torn clothes and beard, he had looked far too much like the Cas in the doomed 2014 future Zacharia had once shown Dean. It was terrifying. He’d asked Cas not to change after that, and seeing the angel so different... well. But cleaned up, shaved, and with his coat back? Cas looked like himself again. And himself looked... good, Dean realized somewhat giddily. Really good. He mentally slapped himself. Keep it together Winchester.

{“Cas!” Dean rushed over to steady him, placing his hand on Cas’s shoulder in a mirror of their first meeting. The angel leaned into it as Dean drew his hand away, too dazed to realize what he was doing. Angels didn’t usually need physical touch the way humans did, but then again Cas wasn’t really an ordinary angel. He snapped out of it and leaned back, although he wished he could do the opposite. The last thing he wanted was to make Dean uncomfortable.

{“You could have gotten yourself killed, why didn’t you wait for me?” Dean knew that the anger was a cover for fear, but anger was easier to deal with. He just got Cas back. He couldn’t lose him again. Dean was starting to realize how deeply he needed Cas. It terrified him to his core. Dean Winchester, sarcastic lady’s man, his father’s son... had truly, terribly, fallen in love with an angel. And the angel could never love him back.

{“For failing you like I fail every other god forsaken thing I care about, I don’t need it!” Cas gazed at him openly. Dean truly believed this was his fault, and Cas needed to fix that, but first... he let the hunter’s words sink in. It’s always a bit of a shock to realize that Dean cares about him. On some level he knows it, but on another level, Dean is beautiful in every way, and Castiel is an angel who deserves purgatory. They are nowhere near on the same level, and yet... Dean still cares about him. Cas lets the warmth of it spread through his chest, just for a moment.

Hunter Heroici

{“I’ll watch over you.” He’d done it every night in purgatory after all. There had been such constant danger, Dean had seemed much more comfortable around Cas. He talked to him more honestly, touched him more freely. All Cas wanted was to keep Dean safe but- “that’s not gonna happen.” Cas frowned at his hands. I guess that was only in purgatory.

{“I’m afraid I might kill myself.” Dean felt panic rising in his throat. Every time he was apart from Cas now, his brain dissolved into a cycle of I can’t lose him I can’t lose him I can’t- and he had to cut himself off. There wasn’t time for that, wasn’t time for his feelings. Especially right now, when Cas clearly needed him. If only he could see himself through Dean’s eyes.

13

{“He’s uh.. he’s not answering.” They had barely seen Cas since he killed Samandriel. Dean was trying not to worry, and he knew Cas could take care of himself, but he couldn’t help it. After spending so much time together in purgatory, failing to get Cas back, finally having Cas with him again, and now this... Dean could only take so much. Life altering realizations aside, Cas was still the best friend he’d ever had. He missed him.

Goodbye Stranger

{“You’re ready.” Castiel stood slowly, surveying his carnage. Hundreds and hundreds of dead Deans that he had killed with his own hands. The part of him that Naomi could never quite control, the part that wasn’t Castiel but Cas, threw itself around inside him, sobbing. He couldn’t kill Dean, he needed Dean, he lo- Castiel cut that thought off quickly. He could kill Dean. He just had. Over, and over, and over.

{“if he’s so sketchy then why were you praying to him?” Dean glared at Sam. Maybe because I’m in love with him bitch, he thought, then stopped, terrified. He couldn’t tell Sam he was... whatever. Their dad-Dean clamped down on his own train of thought. Sam wasn’t like that. He glanced sideways at his brother, and saw that he looked a little too knowing. Dean forced himself not to panic. Sam didn’t know anything, and he didn’t need to. Dean didn’t have to think about that right now anyway. The important thing was figuring out what was up with Cas.

{“You really think we can trust uhh... Megstiel?” Sam glanced at him with that look on his face again and Dean regretted his word choice. And his tone. It wasn’t like he was jealous of Meg or anything, he was just... jealous of Meg. Fuck.

{“I... I won’t hurt Dean.” “Yes. You will. You are.” Cas fought against Naomi as hard as he could. He wouldn’t hurt Dean, he couldn’t hurt Dean. And yet as he struggled, he could feel his blade slicing, could feel the hunter’s blood under his hands. He was managing to hold back, or Dean would already be dead, but it wasn’t enough.

{“I need you.” Cas froze. Naomi screamed inside his head, ordering him to kill Dean, but he didn’t move. He needs me. Cas pushed desperately at the walls of Naomi’s control. He couldn’t give up now. Dean needed him.

{As Cas reached towards him, placed a hand on his face, Dean leaned into it. His skin felt tight with the need to touch Cas, who was about to kill him after all. And if he was about to die, what was the point of denying himself that touch? He only wished he’d been brave enough to say... it. Except... “I’m so sorry Dean.” Cas didn’t kill him and he was left with the phantom of soft fingertips on his face, and the knowledge of what he had been ready to accept as his dying moment.

{As Cas reaches out towards Dean and sees him flinching away, he remembers why he believes he deserves purgatory. He cups Dean’s face, gently, tenderly, as he heals him. Dean leans his whole cheek into his palm even as he protests. Hours later, while Cas sits on that bus, he can still feel Dean’s face under his hand. He sighs, and closes his eyes, trying to ease the touch-starved ache in his nerves, something, of course, that angels should not be able to have.

Taxi Driver

{“I know. You’re hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty. I only wish he felt the same way.” Dean felt his blood boiling. This bitch had brainwashed Cas, and was now hunting him. Despite the fact that Cas had left again, not trusting Dean enough to stay, nothing was going to hurt his angel as long as he was still kicking. Not your angel, a voice that sounded almost like Naomi whispered in his head. Never your angel.

The Great Escapist

{“in the words of a.... good friend. Bite me.” Thinking of Dean made Cas’s chest feel tight with longing, but it also made him strong. Dean would want him to keep fighting, so he would. He didn’t deserve to be here, but if he could do something good while he was on Earth anyway, he would.

Clip Show

{“Bolting off with the angel tablet and then losing it because you didn’t trust me? You didn’t trust me.” Cas was startled by the anger in Dean’s voice. No matter what he did, he always seemed to end up hurting him. Dean always got angry, and Cas never knew how to fix it. His heart clenched.

{“Just stay here!! and... get better.” Dean knew he couldn’t stay angry at Cas for long, but it hadn’t quite worn off yet, and the last thing he needed was to be thinking about his mixed feelings on a case. Cas needed to stay here, to stay safe. If he was holed up in the bunker, maybe the voice in Dean’s head that was alway screaming at him-to grab Cas and never let go, to make sure nothing could harm him-would shut up.

Sacrifice

{“Anything?” Dean tried to ignore the heat spreading through his side at how close Cas was sitting. It was a completely empty bar, but the guy still didn’t totally understand personal space. Dean thought of how easy it would be to lean over and kiss him, then spent a few minutes trying very hard to stop thinking about it.

{“How about the next one’s on me.” Dean stared at the two men, feeling panicky and self conscious. Cas was already getting up. To find the cupid, that was what they were there for. He shook his head at his own distractedness and followed Cas.

————

{Dean’s heart feels like it’s going to fly out of his chest. He holds Sam and screams for Castiel and tries to stay sane.

{Cas watches the angels fall one by one, and aches for them. He has been falling for so long, he never had this moment-at least not physically-of rocketing down in flames.

Cas is human again, and Dean is trying to keep his brother alive, and there is so much to do in so little time.