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tanadrin · 5 months

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Imagine one day a new social trend starts spreading. It’s something unbelievably dumb. Not harmful per de, but truly silly to believe. Let’s say, I dunno, healing crystals start going mainstream. Everybody’s talking about their crystals. It becomes impolite to criticize people who believe in healing crystals. They become a big part of people’s personalities, and people on TV start talking about them, and one day years down the line politicians are debating funding for crystal-based medicine. And through it all you are sitting there going, what the fuck is happening. I thought we were all on the same page on this. You want to get along and be friendly and open minded but you cannot pretend to believe in healing crystals, this is nonsense, and when the topic comes up you refuse to lie about it. This eventually starts to have social consequences—they’re that popular!—but what can you do? You cannot pretend a lump of quartz can cure the flu or whatever. It’s just all so unbearably embarrassing.

I think what the centrist/liberal/center-left reactionary turn driven by culture war stuff feels like. And I think the key emotion is probably cringe. Not hate, not fear, though those emotions may reinforce the turn. I think in a lot of cases people who imagine themselves pretty open minded and flexible have as part of their worldview something they thought was bedrock social consensus—on the level of “healing crystals are silly woo”—so bedrock maybe that it didn’t even need to be a conceptual boundary they actually policed in their minds.

For instance, when she started her anti-trans turn, JK Rowling made a big show of not being really anti trans, just arguing that Some People Had Gone Too Far. She wasn’t a frothing religious reactionary, after all. And I believe that’s probably true! I think Rowling probably did have a mental model of sex and gender with a little bit of give in it—of the “we can humor the odd weirdo” type. But as the discussion of trans rights in the UK got more serious over her lifetime, trans people went from “the odd weirdo” to “a recognized minority,” and eventually this ran against a bedrock belief that on some level men are men and women are women and never the twain shall meet. To act otherwise was just too embarrassing. And she wasn’t going to embarrass herself in the name of political correctness.

Other people whose brains have been eaten by the anti-woke mind virus (as @eightyonekilograms calls it) have something going of the contrarian in them, who enjoys yelling “up yours, woke moralists!” or w/e. Im thinking of ppl like Glenn Greenwald here, or Dave Chapelle, people who seem not to feel alive except when people are mad at them. That’s a separate but interesting dynamic. And there are people like Graham Linehan who become totally unhinged through this process of auto-radicalization, moths drawn ever closer to a particular source of validation within their chosen reactionary subcommunity, until they are truly parodies of themselves. That is also an important dynamic, but it’s one that only takes hold after the initial turn has begun.

I think the role of that feeling of cringe, that refusal to entertain an idea because it is too embarrassing (even if it does actually have a decent body of research behind it, unlike crystals) is important to think about, because I am interested in how to get people over it. I know that feeling has affected my own thinking over my lifetime. I wasn’t raised particularly conservative, but I had to learn not to cringe at a lot of feminist thought before I could appreciate it and learn from it. I explicitly didn’t have that cringe when it came to gay people for whatever reason, so it never entered my mind that it might be a problem. I remember being surprised to learn when I was very young that some boys wanted to marry other boys, but my response was “huh. Go figure.” Because for whatever reason I had not picked up that this was something I was supposed to be grossed out by. A general doctrine of empathy, of trying to understand people on their own terms, can help forestall some of this stuff, but it’s not foolproof in either direction—I don’t want to believe crystals have healing powers if it becomes socially popular to do so, just because it is socially popular to do so! And if they do, I don’t want to not believe they do just because it is socially unpopular!

(Obviously the crystals thing is not a one to one metaphor for the trans thing, so don’t read too much into that. Maybe astrology would have been a better analogy. Also I’m not talking just about people whose reactionary turn is predicated on trans issues—I think this dynamic applies to everything from gay rights to the Tridentine Mass. But trans issues are a handy example bc, as the adage goes, somebody posts once about trans people and they never post anything normal again. I think the classic rapid-onset trans derangement syndrome is closely tied to the fact that gender norms are a really deep element of many people’s social-consensus-based worldview, and so challenged to that worldview are felt as really cringe.)

I’m curious if other people who grew more liberal in their thinking over time had a similar experience of having to overcome what was basically a feeling of embarrassment at certain ideas.

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spacelazarwolf · 9 months

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I apologize you’ve explained this before but why do you think male/female socialization is bullshit? From the way I think about it isn’t it just the fact that certain gender roles are pushed onto afab and amab people by authority figures and thus society in general to dress a certain way, show or not show emotions, forced to cover up, etc? Isn’t this a thing that happens or is there another term for it

I agree that male socialization to justify describing amab people as inherently bad is wrong though. But otherwise isn’t this an actual thing?

i've sort of touched on it in other posts, but i'll use this opportunity to try and collect all my thoughts and expand on some things i've been thinking about lately. i can't promise it'll be all-encompassing, but i'll do my best.

i think when it comes to conversations about "socialization", we're having the wrong conversation. we shouldn't be asking "how did being 'raised male/female' make this person act?", we should be asking "how was this person affected by the gender roles they were taught growing up, and how did it intersect with other parts of their identity?"

to try to illustrate this better than just a wall of text, i'm going to give some examples of "traditional" gender roles that come up a lot in discussions about socialization, and how different people might be affected by them.

"female" gender roles

must be softspoken/speak when spoken to

under white supremacy, black women are painted as aggressive (which is seen as a bad thing) while white women are painted as docile (which is seen as a good thing). how would this gender role affect a black woman differently than a white woman?

jewish women who are raised in jewish culture are generally seen as much more outspoken than the culturally white norm. how would the expectation to be "softspoken" affect them?

how would this affect trans men who are raised with this expectation, but when they transition and are put in the societal role of "man" are expected to be more outspoken? or trans women who have this gender role used against them when they try to speak up?

must focus on being a mother

to society, giving birth is one of the pillars of womanhood. how would this affect a trans man who has given birth or wants to? how would this affect a trans woman who can't?

how would this affect a black woman who deals with racist rhetoric surrounding black people having multiple children? how would it affect a black mother who is afraid of bringing black children into a world that is not safe for them?

how would this affect women who don't want children? how would it affect women who do want children, but still want to maintain their life as an individual person and not just a mother?

must be nurturing and learn how to handle others' emotions

how would this affect women of color who are frequently burdened with managing white people's emotions in conversations about race?

how would this affect all trans people, both those who were raised with this expectation and those who have this expectation put on them later in life, whose safety can be compromised by perceived "outburtsts"?

"male" gender roles

must not express emotions

how would this affect men who are racial and ethnic minorities who are trying to talk about the oppression they face and the grief that comes along with it? especially those for whom showing intense emotions is perceived as aggression?

how would this affect trans men who transitioned later in life who now have to deal with people's negative reactions to them showing the same emotions they've shown their whole life?

how would this affect trans women who were raised with this expectation, and now have difficulty expressing their emotions even though the societal role they're in now "allows" for that?

must be a breadwinner and protector, regardless of personal cost

how would this affect trans men who have different safety needs than most cis men who are now expected to put that safety on the line? (remember malte c.)

how would this affect working class men who are not paid fairly, expected to work more for less, with less benefits and protections, and then don't get to connect with their families and friends the way they might want to?

how would this affect darker skinned men of color who are already at higher risk of police violence who want to protect their loved ones from harm but know if they try the consequences could be deadly?

must not show any femininity

how would this affect jewish and east asian men who are seen as inherently more feminine because of their ethnicity/race?

how would this affect queer men whose expression is more feminine?

how would this affect trans women who are still forced into the societal role of "man"?

how would this affect trans men, who are inherently seen as feminine because of their agab, or if they don't want to present entirely normatively masculine?

particularly when it comes to trans people, depending on when we transition, our agab can have very little affect on any sort of social conditioning we receive. for me, i came out and started medically transitioning when i was 28, almost 29. my life up until that point had been profoundly affected by misogyny and sexism. growing up in a conservative town, i'd been told by the culture that i lived in that my place in the world was to have babies with a nice man, and maybe do some music on the side. i experienced medical sexism that left me disabled, educational sexism that forced me to drop out, and those things are a huge part of why i am who i am today. so it does frustrate me when people say that because i'm a man today i couldn't possibly have experienced or been affected by those things, because those experiences supposedly belong to "women" and by trying to claim them i'm somehow defaulting on my claim to my identity as a man.

i can't change what i experienced or the way it affected me. but just because i experienced one thing doesn't mean that everyone who shares my identity has to have the exact same experience, or that everyone who is the "opposite" identity of me has to have experienced the opposite. the trans boy i know who came out at age 6 is going to have a very different experience. his teachers see him as a boy, he is growing up in a more progressive and accepting community, his parents are fierce advocates for him in social and medical settings, and he is going to have a really amazing life. the kind of life all trans people should be able to have.

my life experiences will be more similar to a trans girl who came out at age 6 and experienced growing up placed in the "girl" role than they will be to the trans boy who came out at age 6 and experienced growing up placed in the "boy" role. and that, to me, is what makes trans experiences so fascinating. the trans girl might not know what it's like to get messaging about having babies being your only role in life because you have a uterus, but those messages about having babies are still going to affect her because having babies is seen as the most womanly thing you can do, and people will use the fact she can't have babies to "prove" she's not a woman. women with uteruses who are infertile often experience similar reactions, people stripping them of their womanhood because they can't carry a child. the trans boy might not know what it's like to have high school teachers speak down to you and put you in the front row so they can look down your shirt in the middle of class, but he'll still know what it's like to have people try to prevent you from transitioning because of your physical capability to have children, and what it's like to live in a world that hates you and wants to punish you for trying to "rise above your station."

every human being experiences some sort of social conditioning, because that's how humans grow and develop. we look to the world around us to try to learn how to interact with others, what society expects from us, etc. there's really no valid argument for the idea that no one experiences any sort of conditioning when they're young, because that's just not how human brains work. it's just that it's not as simple as "male vs female socialization." there are dozens of ways that intersecting experiences like race, ethnicity, ability, neurodivergence, queerness, etc. can affect the way society sees and treats you, the way society expects you to behave, and the way society enforces that behavior. it's not black and white. nothing is.

the only person who can determine how your upbringing may have affected who you are today is you. other people might be able to make observations, but you're the only one who can connect the dots. if there are things you learned growing up that you find were not healthy behaviors or were ineffectual coping mechanisms, you can unlearn them. we are always growing and changing. i've said before, socialization is something that happens to you, not something you are. no one is trapped in their 14 year old self forever.

#ask avishai #socialization

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darkcircles4lyfe · 4 months

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Behind the locked door

In honor of Izuku’s mask disintegrating into rubble, I think it’s finally time for me to really dig deep into his character. I’ve been keeping this one in my back pocket for a while. Amid all the talk about Izuku’s fading narration, the “control your heart” subplot, I’ve been trying to find the words to articulate how I know exactly where this is going, at least on a certain level. Most recently, I read this meta from pika who brings up how the word “control” alone can be misconstrued (by us). And then I thought about how a while back I made a similar point, although I said Izuku was the one who got it wrong. At that time, I was holding back a huge piece of evidence because it was external to the story and I wasn’t sure it would be received well. As a result, my argument fell a little flat. Well, now—after 411, right before leaks for 412—it might be my last chance to play this card.

So about that external evidence. I struggle to bring it up because it’s gonna sound an awful lot like I’m projecting onto Izuku if I don’t do it justice. But… I look at the way his storyline has been going lately and I see a pattern emerging that I’m very familiar with. Fortunately, I don’t have to dump a bunch of personal junk on you in order to illustrate this pattern, because a certain personality typing system already has it all figured out: the Enneagram.

Now, hang on. I’m not one to put people in boxes. My trans ass? I managed to get a different result every time I retook the P0ttermore quiz. MBTI, zodiacs—not my thing. But the Enneagram comes the closest I’ve ever seen to covering all the bases and revealing actually meaningful insight, at least for myself. On top of that, I find it extremely useful for fleshing out fictional characters, hence this post will be taking advantage of that.

For those who aren’t familiar with it, here’s a quick overview: The Enneagram consists of 9 individual personality types, each arranged carefully in a sequential, circular manner. They are also simply named 1 through 9. While this might seem kinda basic, there is actually a surprising amount of nuance and fluidity involved. Typing is done largely through personal introspection (you don’t really have to take a test). Adjacent numbers share some core themes with each other, and according to a web of arrows between them, one type can take on either positive or negative traits associated with other types depending on how emotionally ‘healthy’ they are, causing a lengthy spectrum of different ways each type can manifest. That part gets kinda complicated to explain here, so for more info, the Enneagram Institute website is a decent place to start. I also highly recommend the Enneagram album by Sleeping At Last (and if you really want to dedicate some time, the accompanying podcast) to really get inside the heads of the types on a deeper level.

My interest in applying the Enneagram to Izuku comes from observing how differently one can interpret his character based on whether you read him as a 2 or a 9. And even though no one uses this language to talk about him, the distinction accounts for a bunch of different rifts in the fandom: whether you appreciate bkdk’s relationship, whether you can acknowledge Izuku’s flaws and weaknesses, the severity of his vigilante/rogue phase, and most importantly the gravity of his concealed heart, his rage, and what it all means—what he needs in order to grow and triumph.

Discussion of Enneagram types in the fandom is pretty scarce, but where it exists, I have only seen him labeled as a 2. Type 9 and type 2 can be similar at a glance in a lot of ways (actually, 9s can be mistaken for any type because they are like all of them combined). It’s easy to see Izuku as a 2 because he is the helping hero archetype. He puts others’ needs above his own and he is always ready and eager to help. If you listen to Sleeping At Last’s song for 2, you’ll notice that it’s all about care and noble sacrifice with the underlying theme of neglecting or even harming oneself: “I just want to build you up, until your good as new, and maybe one day I will get around to fixing myself too.” Sounds pretty obvious, right? Well, here’s the thing. You really get to know what your type is by how it hits you where it hurts, so I like to focus on each type’s basic fear and basic desire, first and foremost, as a tell. A 2′s basic fear is of being worthless and unloved. Consequently, their most basic desire is to be loved. And 2s have been taught through their negative experiences that love is conditional, something they have to earn from others. They need to be needed. So let’s say you think Izuku is a 2. This means you consider his heroic, self-sacrificing tendencies to be a result of his growing up quirkless and being told he is worthless and powerless because of it. Through this lens, he is trying to prove himself to the world by being useful. Along these lines, you may also assume he is trying to prove himself to Katsuki. Taking this train of thought even further, you may interpret Izuku’s relationship with Katsuki as an obsession of his, where he is either blind to Katsuki’s more negative traits in favor of gaining his love and praise, or else bitterly determined to prove him wrong. This is how a 2 might behave in an unhealthy relationship with an 8, which, yes, I do think Katsuki is an 8. That’s a tangent for another time, though.

But does Izuku ever “need to be needed?” It’s worth noting that while 2s’ search for validation might seem insincere, it is actually motivated by a deep, heartbreaking insecurity. They think they don’t even deserve love unless they are useful to someone, so they do everything they can to be worthy. Does Izuku show signs of this motivation?

If I stop to think about it, I can’t exactly see this in Izuku’s character. Yeah, his dream is to be a hero, and in his childhood, he was denied that dream. However I think we need to take a step back from that for a second if we want to dig deep. I mean, a lot of the other characters also behave heroically, act selflessly, and strive to help. Does that mean all of them are 2s as well? Of course not. So let’s instead turn to observe how Izuku acts with his loved ones, friends, and peers in other/adjacent contexts:

Inko: He is committed to protecting his mother from fearing for his safety. He wants to be good enough to not cause her to worry, rather than good enough to make her proud or make her love him. Idk about his father but at this point I think it’s safe to assume he is deeply unimportant.

All Might: I would describe their relationship as one of mutual responsibility. Izuku feels a responsibility to uphold All Might’s legacy, All Might feels a responsibility to teach him well. Because of this mutuality, I don’t think it quite makes sense to say Izuku deliberately seeks approval for its own sake. You know what I mean? They may be a mentor and a pupil but in practice they are almost more like co-conspirators. They don’t really have a power dynamic going on.

Shouto, Tenya, other friends: Izuku seems to take an interest in what makes his friends tick, and he sets himself aside in order to both analytically and intuitively determine what’s wrong and how to solve it. Examples include his fight against Shouto in the sports festival, and his stubborn concern for Tenya’s reaction to his brother’s forced retirement. He will put himself in the line of fire specifically when confronted with another person’s inner demons. This is not a labor that is asked of professional heroes, it’s just who Izuku is. You can also extend this observation to how he sees through Tomura to Tenko, but I’ll get to that later. Basically, while 2s seek to help in all kinds of ways, a 9’s strategy is always centered on the realm of the mind.

Kota: Adjacent to the paragraph above, before Izuku literally gets into a position where he needs to save Kota, he becomes interested in the boy’s point of view out of genuine curiosity. He doesn’t go “oh no, this kid doesn’t like heroes, I better get him to like heroes.” Instead he seeks out information as to why he thinks that way, and patiently listens. He’s sorry about what happened to Kota, and he understands. Twice (ch 71 and 72), he recognizes the fact that everyone has their own point of view on quirks, and he can’t really do anything about that.

Mirio: This might be one of the most telling examples. Mirio is the platonic ideal of an All Might successor. He’s “perfect.” He even looks the part. While this initially makes Izuku uncomfortable, he doesn’t become insecure and defensive over it. On the contrary, he easily comes to the conclusion that actually, Mirio should have One for All. Just like that (ch 172). If Mirio hadn’t dismissed the “hypothetical,” he probably would have gone through with giving it to him. That’s not how a 2 would respond. A 2 would double down and aim to be better than Mirio by trying to establish some relationship of need, fueled by the insecurity. Their shared subplot with Eri would have looked pretty different, I think.

Katsuki: I’ve mentioned before that I believe their rivalry only exists because Katsuki put it there. First of all, we can see that after the sludge villain incident, Izuku weirdly takes Katsuki’s dismissal of Izuku’s help as practical advice. Like, “oh yeah, I guess what I did was pretty stupid and dangerous, and I’m not cut out for this hero stuff. Now I can move on and find a realistic career.” Hello?? He accepted that so easily. So Izuku clearly isn’t motivated by a desire to prove himself to Katsuki. Even when he proclaims he’s going to surpass him, it’s like he’s happily mimicking Katsuki, not reacting based on insecurity or pride. Izuku is content to meet Katsuki wherever he is, and he’s satisfied with whatever kind of relationship they are able to have, including a rivalry, so he isn’t vying for his affection either. We can observe this when he gives up the role of reaching out a hand to save Katsuki to Kirishima, and also when he thinks about how “blessed” he is to even have a normal conversation with Katsuki. He doesn’t push things. It’s also stated in Deku vs. Kacchan 2 that Izuku doesn’t excuse or overlook Katsuki’s “bad side” but still admires him for his other traits. This is not at all characteristic of a toxic 2x8 relationship.

When 2s are at their very worst or pushed into unhealthy situations, they tend to become more needy and self-centered, even downright manipulative. But at Izuku’s worst, when he went rogue, he pushed everyone away to avoid being a burden. When the refugees at UA tried to prevent him from returning, he was like, “you’re right” and would have turned back immediately if not for his friends, loved ones, and other people who care about him telling him it was all okay. Meanwhile, Katsuki, in true 8 fashion, was pissed off at being rejected and having to deal with Izuku’s stubborn and evasive side (oh yeah, have I mentioned 9s are actually stubborn as hell?), but he made sure to establish that they are (he is) here to step in when Izuku can’t handle things by himself. Katsuki even opened up and admitted to his own weaknesses to show why mutual support is so important. Tbh, a lot of the above can be construed as just super healthy type 2 behavior, but not this. The way Izuku acts at his lowest, and his dynamic with Katsuki? Totally different. Dead giveaway for a 9.

Let’s get into the type 9 itself in more detail to show how it applies to Izuku more deeply—seriously, it’s beat for beat. One of the key differences is, while 2s seek validation, 9s are actually resigned to the belief that they aren’t important. Similar to 2s, a 9′s basic fear is of separation, but their basic desire is actually just peace or harmony rather than love. Notice how these motivations are just like a 2’s, except they have the “self” part taken out. With that in mind, they “achieve” their basic desire through selflessness in and of itself, without the need for recognition. That’s not to say that 9s are better than 2s. In fact, a 9 can be worse, in a way. If unhealthy, they will seek peace at almost any cost to themselves. In other words, they can be more self-destructive while still under the impression that they are doing just fine. “Peace” may refer to the expression of empathy, fulfilling the needs of others, sheltering someone, or mediating a fight—but also to repressing their own opinions and needs, not “rocking the boat,” ignoring negative emotions, or becoming a vessel for someone else to vent to.

What about inner peace? 9s value serenity, and thus they have a complicated relationship with the most tumultuous of emotions: anger. On the surface, 9s look like the type that is extremely slow to anger and highly tolerant. However, as much as they would like to believe this about themselves too, deep down, 9s are afraid of what might happen if they lose control. My phrase for it is this: I feel like a bottled tornado. Personally, I also think of anger as a basic desire to make others feel your pain—not necessarily sadistically, but in an effort to be known, to be understood. The difficult thing to grasp, especially for a 9, is that this is NOT inherently a bad thing. It isn’t wrong to seek sympathy. On the contrary, it is harmful to tell yourself that getting angry is wrong, because it’s like telling yourself that your pain is wrong, your pain doesn’t matter.

The problem is it doesn’t stop there. A 9, in shutting down their anger, ends up with such a low opinion of their own heart, their other emotions dull along with it. They cry less, laugh less, love less. It’s often said that they “fall asleep” to themselves. It all starts with anger. It’s interesting to note how different this whole mindset is from toxic masculinity—where men only feel allowed/able to express emotions through anger. This is sorta like the opposite. Anger becomes the dam rather than the river. For Izuku, I want us to consider that his suppression of anger carries with it the implication that he is hiding other things, too. It’s a given. There’s a whole sea of feelings out there, and we can only see the waves hitting the shore. This brings me to the whole “control your heart” thing. I do think it is worth mentioning that Banjou didn’t just tell Izuku to exercise control. He also told him that his anger could be useful if it is harnessed. With this added context, “control” here means “to master.” And Izuku seemed to grasp this concept… sorta. I think that if Izuku is like a 9, we can assume he has trouble understanding how anger could be a worthy source of strength. His emotions in relation to Katsuki feel more like a weakness to him, a character flaw in a hero, who is supposed to be detached and selfless. But he’s trying to understand, even though he’s afraid of it. He essentially applied the same strategy he used for mastering OFA itself: incremental strength training. Which, okay. Take a moment to absorb how odd that is, in relation to emotions, specifically. Does one learn to cry incrementally? Does one learn to use anger by bottling a fucking tornado?? Like, what, you think you’re gonna be able to let out juuust the right amount of air to avoid an explosion??? No, man… if you want to be the master of your emotions you have to be willing to sit with them. Confront them. Listen to them. Take them in completely and accept them as a part of yourself.

For someone like Izuku, though, it is very difficult to imagine how this is even possible. Tomura, as with every villain, can be used to reflect his hero counterpart’s greatest fear about himself. Tomura literally touches everyone and everything with his rage, and as a physical manifestation of that desire to pass his own pain onto others, destruction radiates from his fingertips. Thus, losing control in this manner must be Izuku’s worst nightmare, as if he would be completely unable to stop the collateral damage like an infinite line of dominoes. But his anger is not something he can overcome, as such.

An overarching theme in this heroes vs. villains conflict is that the villains are not merely obstacles to be overcome. Just think back to Himiko’s bitter rejection of the heroic sense of superiority. She demanded not to be pitied, condescended to, or lied to. Likewise, the answer cannot be that Izuku needs to restrain himself where Tomura doesn’t. What purpose would it serve to show that Izuku is better than him? Certainly not saving Tomura. If this was a battle against AFO, it might have been a different story. In that case, Izuku would have to overcome his emotional manipulation tactics. Tomura, on the other hand, is not so strategic. With his strangely childlike tendencies, he must relish making Izuku mad because it brings them closer to the same wavelength. It’s his own twisted way or seeking sympathy, or at least, the closest thing to sympathy he can get anymore, because he believes he is beyond saving. With that in mind, Izuku isn’t going to get anywhere unless he rises to meet him. Izuku has to match Tomura’s hatred with equally strong emotions of his own, whatever they may be, or else face the loss of OFA (as established in 305). This is not an easy thing to ask of a 9, once they have started to pull the blood from their extremities, become cold and numb. Bringing back circulation is painful and makes the skin crawl.

In case you’re worried about the focus on anger here, I want to reiterate that concealed anger in a 9 is just one sign of so much more. Back when everyone started fretting about Izuku’s habit of self-sacrifice, which would have been the only thing we need to worry about if he were a 2, I was freaking out because Izuku was also starting to look like a person who has too many secrets. You don’t even have to acknowledge the possibility that he lied about what triggered blackwhip. It’s written all over his face all the time these days. It’s especially noticeable when you contrast him with Katsuki after all his own growth. Katsuki confides in people. He acknowledges his weaknesses. He enjoys being himself. He asserts his place. He thinks about Izuku all the damn time and now he even lets himself be soft about it. All this warmth while Izuku is distant, muted, and blank. I know all too well what this state of mind is like. Man, I hate secrets. You get to the point where you don’t know how to talk about even the simplest most inconsequential shit. And the bigger things? They’re like a growing snowball of words in your throat that cannot possibly fit out of your mouth. The “easiest” way to cope is to simply fade into the rhythm of life. Go with the flow.

Since 9s have a natural curiosity about the interiority of other people, they may choose to focus on that in order to divert their own attention away from themselves. Taken to the extreme, they will lose track of their sense of self. Like I said, you can see Izuku doing this as he fights, analyzing the psyche of his opponent, and his match against Shouto in the sports festival was a fantastic early example. They became friends because of how observant Izuku is. His emotional intelligence and intuition are very strong, but gradually, as he has taken on greater responsibilities and experienced more trauma, he has gotten worse at applying these skills to himself. You know, we go on and on about how his narration has been reduced to nearly nothing, and it’s not just an absence of introspection, it’s an absence of self. It creates a lack of ownership over the narrative—what should be his narrative.

Right now, he’s focusing on trying to see Tomura as a person, figuring him out. I think it would be really satisfyingly ironic if in the process, he ends up uncovering insights about himself instead. It’s about time we learn what Izuku’s secrets are. I don’t actually think that Izuku mastering anger will constitute the emotion that is strong enough to keep Tomura from taking OFA. Moreover, he can’t expect to reach Tomura’s core, Tenko, unless he exposes his own. Rather, anger is the conduit for Izuku to unlock something else. Think of the way he described how Katsuki is his image of victory. The feeling manifests when he asserts a stronger sense of self (the urge to win) and he becomes more free with his words. I have no doubt that Tomura has the power to make unfiltered honesty spill out of him. He knows how to bring out his selfish needs, his pain, his pressure points, his fears, his insecurities. Hell, maybe Mt. Fuji erupting is a metaphor. I want to see Izuku explode while Tomura watches with mad glee. But then I want Izuku to Realize Things such that it finally sets him free. Then, instead of Tomura witnessing yet another person he touches fall apart, he gets to see someone become whole.

"I let the scale tip, feel all of it. It's uncomfortable but right. And we were born to try to see each other through. To know and love ourselves and others well is the most difficult and meaningful work we'll ever do." --Sleeping At Last, 'Nine'

#you are very much welcome to send me asks about this and the enneagram etc because it's very fun to talk about!#bnha meta #bnha manga #bnha 411 #bnha 412 #mha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #character analysis #midoriya izuku #shigaraki tomura #bakudeku #bkdk #dekubaku #dkbk #lin speaks

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utopians · 14 days

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I don't want to be that guy but that's not pseudoscience? The prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed until around the mid to late twenties bc the synaptic connections between neurons in that part of the brain are the last to develop. Source: https:// doi.org /10.1038/ s41386-021-01137-9

I think there might be a miscommunication happening here -- the pseudoscience isn't the assertion that synaptic development continues into adulthood, it's the assertion that synaptic development defines adulthood.

I have now read this whole article and the only assertion that it makes that's relevant to this discussion is that synaptic development continues "into the 3rd decade of life". this doesn't -- at least in my opinion -- give any meaningful credence to the idea that the brain isn't fully 'mature' until this point, bc this idea relies on the assumption that 'maturity' is a static biochemical state that the brain organically reaches and not a complex interplay of life experience, societal conceptions of 'maturity' and 'adulthood', and individual variations in development/cognition in addition to the broader process of brain development. additionally, 'brain development' is far more complicated than just the synapses of the prefrontal cortex finishing development, and is a process that continues throughout one's life.

CONTINUED below the cut bc I don't want to annihilate everyone's dash with this but I have a lot more to say

continuing the previous thought: if we're measuring maturity strictly by brain development, then things get extremely dicey, because the brain continues changing beyond your twenties and throughout adulthood! consider this study, which finds that the age of peak performance for different cognitive abilities varies widely, with some peaking around 20 and others closer to 50. the brain doesn't reach a state of 'maturity' in its cognitive functions at age 25 that it then maintains consistently through adulthood, it's far more complicated than that.

essentially, while synapses in the prefrontal cortex keep developing into your 20s (curious as to where you got 'mid to late twenties' from as well; the study only references 'the third decade of life', which could mean anything from 20 to 30), the idea that this development means anything particularly concrete about maturity or adulthood is based on (imo) a faulty and oversimplified understanding of both the brain and what 'maturity' actually means in the context of society. if your conception of 'maturity' asserts that adulthood begins in the late twenties, this conception may be due for a serious reevaluation.

and the reason I'm concerned about all this isn't because I'm a pedant -- it's because this matters in our current political climate. conservative politicians in the UK are currently trying to raise the legal age at which one can transition to 25 based on exactly this faulty conception of maturity, which argues that trans people can't make 'adult' decisions about their own bodies until this point. this is wildly infantilizing and patronizing, and I imagine I don't have to explain why it's a problem, but to elaborate: adulthood and maturity aren't apolitical concepts, and the assertion that adults don't have the right to bodily autonomy because they have been deemed medically incompetent by a truly arbitrary metric is an act of political violence.

I highly recommend this slate article: it goes into this topic in a lot more depth than I do, and features commentary from a lot of neuroscientists who know a lot more about this than me.

#asked and answered

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lilithtransrights · 1 month

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I don't think we talk enough about how stupid the demand for apolitical media is. I'm not just talking about the right wing idiots that call every piece of media woke for even daring to include a character that doesn't fit their small group of people they tolerate but also the idea that media can be apolitical.

I do and have always believed that it's nearly impossible to not include your own personal beliefs and world views in your art. Most of these views are just so commonly accepted that we don't really think about them. For example sharing and taking care of those in need is seen as the moral correct thing to do by almost every human, or well at least it is theory. To some degree you might even project your own views on the media you're currently observing and might interpret things differently from someone with a different view.

I've always loved that part of media discussion. Looking at the little things an author, director, musician or artist would include in their art and thinking about why they did it in that specific way. Why did they design the interior of this character's office in this way? Was it coincidentally? Does it reflect the personality of the character? Why did the musician pick that specific cord progression? And don't tell me they just did it because it sounded good, there was a way they wanted you to feel when you heard it.

My favorite example of people going all the way in recent years is the movie Pig. Nothing in that movie feels coincidental. It feels like Michael Sarnoski and Vanessa Block put a lot of thought into their character's personalities, how they would behave in different situations or what kind of car they would drive. And that movie perfectly highlights how pretentious the food industry has gotten.

And fuck it I'm going there, the creator isn't the final authority on how their work is interpreted. Like I already said your work is influenced by the world around you, your personal beliefs and your morals. Stop trying to tell your audience how your work was meant and make sure you put enough thought into it so that they'll realize it themselves.

In the same motion stop looking for validation from the creator for your theories. Your theory might be based on your personal experiences or your expectations and the way you therefore view their art and discussing this with others is some of the greatest joy in my opinion.

Also include more trans people in your work and make them kiss. That's my final message.

#lilithtransrights

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phoenixyfriend · 6 months

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Was watching a ContraPoints video (popular trans lady YouTuber) on some gender philosophy and got to thinking about trans girl Ani nuances.

OKAY SO: Contrapoints makes a comment in the video (transcript here) that she views herself as a boy who became a woman, not a girl who didn't realize it yet, which is a relatively uncommon approach among trans people, and that's in the middle of a longer discussion on the flaws in radfem theology (which I watched right after this PhilosophyTube video, and accidentally conflated the two since the former talked a lot about systems/structures of gender).

Anyway, I'm rotating that in my mind with regards to Anakin, who grew up in a setting that could easily be interpreted as having a much foggier distinction between Man and Woman than between Slave and Maste,r or human and twilek, etc.

It's entirely feasible that, on Tatooine in particular, the social elements of gender came down to very practical concerns (reproduction) and very superficial signs (e.g. hairstyle could maybe broadcast intended gender, and who wears skirts) outside of the specific situation of highly gendered and sexual forms of slavery (Jabba's dancing girls), which was relatively rare compared to more standard forms, like shop work or janitorial or what have you.

So you have an Anakin who grew up in a setting where "am I a girl?" isn't necessarily a question that would have the same answer as in another setting with more defined gender distinctions, in terms of both expression and role, and of the matter of identity at that confluence.

Then he--still he, at that time--meets Padmé and the handmaidens (very feminine, very girl, but not in a way that's at all like the way women on Tatooine willingly engage with), and encounters Coruscant culture (lots of gender dynamics due to the culture mash, but a low-key Western Misogyny vibe in the Senate and other non-Jedi settings Anakin's liable to encounter), as well as the Jedi classes on gender and sexuality and respecting/navigating those parts of culture on other planets.

As a result, Anakin starts developing a new, more nuanced and expansive understanding of gender, where it's more than just a few small differences, and the people around are mostly Jedi, who are also pretty dang open to nontraditional gender approaches etc And Anakin sort of… grows into wanting to be woman? In a way that isn't the usual "I always knew I was a girl" and more of an "I've learned what people consider a girl, and I'd like to be one."

And like. Ani COULD go back to thinking of gender in Tatooine terms, but why bother? Being a girl makes her happy. She wasn't unhappy as a boy in that gender framework, but she's happy as a girl now.

But because she didn't mind being raised a boy, she might say things a "when I was a boy" or "back when I was still living as a boy"

Me every time I hear a new, interesting take on gender: How can I apply this to a fictional character?

Also tbf this settles pretty well with my general thoughts on nb Anakin as well, where gender is like… It Sure Is A Thing That Exists. Anyway, Where's The Blasterfire?

#the fact that I'm still (mostly) cis after consuming such an extreme quantity of Gender Theory Things is something of a miracle #I do not mean just the above two videos. I cannot actually identify every bit of Trans And Nonbinary theory I've watched or read because...#it's just a lot. it's so much #trans headcanons #trans anakin skywalker #anakin skywalker #tatooine #star wars #phoenix talks

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sophie-frm-mars · 1 month

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Liberal Dissociative Amnesia

The Cass Review is the most discussed political topic among trans people in the UK right now. The 388 page report by Dr Hillary Cass examines the gender services available to young people in the UK and concludes that young people are being let down, gender services need to be taken out of reach for trans people under 25 and a new system which urges avoiding transition at every turn needs to be created which will refer people at age 25.

I just watched Michael Walker on Novara Media say "I think there are some very difficult questions here that I really don't know the answer to", and I find myself baffled by statements like this. I did actually understand in watching what specific questions he thought were "difficult", and I think someone could probably answer them pretty effectively to a standard he was happy with if he had a well informed trans person who he trusted in his life. The problem is, the whole segment was presented with as much equivocation and both-sidesing as possible, this constant air of "what if"

I feel like I'm observing a dissociative amnesia that people like this run into when discussing something that people they can easily see are bigots have declared to be scientific and complicated and requiring serious scrutiny. The Novara team understand the broad wave of anti-trans attacks happening across much of the world, particularly America and Britain, right now, even if they won't necessarily call it genocide - so why does this story exist completely devoid of context? Why is it suddenly time to ask "difficult questions"?

Walker wonders out loud about people on a spectrum where at one end people would have always been cis under all circumstances and on the other they would have always been trans, and in the middle of course are people who might transition if it's easier and there's less stigma. His point as far as I can tell is that somewhere in there it could get TOO easy to transition and then people will do it and regret it. Do I need to bother saying this is why we have informed consent?

It's like the people trying to wipe us out are playing Simon Says with the most progressive of our liberal media. The progressives can see bigotry for what it is most of the time and then somehow suddenly it becomes ✨special science bigotry ✨ and, perhaps because there's an institutional weight behind it, perhaps because it claims to be a serious study, or perhaps just because of the aesthetics of intellectualism the progressive journalists mysteriously forget about the whole wider context of transphobia around the world and have to apply rigorous journalistic standards to it.

"There's social contagion!" "No that's bigotry"

"They're just undiagnosed autistic people!" "No they're trans AND autistic"

"They're coming after the kids!" "No, that's age old queerphobia"

"✨Simon Says ✨ there's social contagion!" "oh well this warrants very careful discussion, I need to think very hard about this before taking a side here, it's a toxic culture war debate and we must remain ✨rational✨ when discussing issues like this..."

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zyrlovesmizu · 2 months

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y’know I respect a fan’s choice about how they want to view mizu but tiny ramble about it here. this isn’t any sort of discussion or ‘matter of fact’ essay, just a simple rant about headcannons about her being TRANS and her SEXUALITY.

Warning: extremely long.

Given the numerous limitations that would arise from traveling as a woman, I find it very difficult to understand why some people believe Mizu is transgender when it's obvious that she is hiding this information in order to survive. This was particularly true during the Edo period, when women were dehumanized and treated like objects because we only ever see them as a slave or working in a brothel (majority of the show at least). They were also seen having to depend on men for nearly everything, as demonstrated in the episode where the mother and daughter were left outside to freeze to death since her husband was not present to accompany them. Along with that subtle hints were presented to us that show how comfortable she is when in touch with her femininity like a few moments in the episode where she came back to Swords-father Eiji’s hut. Though, I can definitely see why people would label her as transmasc with the theory that she must’ve grown so accustomed to this sort of lifestyle, she’d perhaps just become transmasc in the later episodes. We’ll never know!

Next, not gonna lie, I’m insanely guilty of viewing Mizu as a bisexual women despite feeling that she is leaning more toward heterosexuality in terms of her sexuality. I have the biggest fattest crush on her so I have no problem stating how much I'm crying and wailing over this. Like c’mon, let's be real, I guarantee that 98% of simps are female, and I’m sure every single one of us has mentioned once that we can all treat her better than Mikio and Taigen. Speaking of Taigen, I HAVE to admit that him and Mizu do have the best chemistry compared to everyone in the show. It’s clear in the way she pulls him away from those shooting arrows, knocks him out becahse she fears for his safety if he follows, saving him from Fowler's castle even though she could have easily just left him to die and slain Fowler, etc. At first, I would’ve assumed she’d have trauma with men especially after Mikio’s betrayal which might’ve led her to stray away from any romantic attraction with men—or anybody in general. Honestly, I have dedicated my time to search for ANY hint (ok not rlly) that she might be attracted to women, but the only time I ever see her become flustered by one is when she appears to be taken aback by the prostitues she tried to ask for directions to the Shindo Dojo. Plus, there were only two occasions where she interacted with Akemi that people use to automatically ship them which is when she saw Akemi in her carriage (not sure of the specific name) and pinned her down in Madame Kaji's brothel. I can’t imagine them as a couple in later episodes, something I’m been dying to see. Though, it’s hard to determine what was running in her mind during the scene where they both stole glances at each other, especially since there was no sort of indication in her inner thoughts or emotions, so it’s normal to assume the above as well. (Despite that, I’m still rooting for AT LEAST bisexual Mizu because for the love of god and for the sake of all of the gay women here, PLEASE. /j)

I may make jokes about these headcannons like playfully hating on the TaiMizu ships. All in all, I’m sure the fans are mature enough to understand that these are meant to be lighthearted jokes and that people interpret a character and show in various ways and it’s normal! Even if I can’t comprehend the theory or feel as though it is a little too complicated/really negotiable, remember to support what you want, ship what you want, make whatever headcannons, nobody’s stopping you! Don’t be too afraid to just announce what you feel about the show. All I ask is to avoid SERIOUSLY cancelling someone just because of their own feelings and opinions. In the end, they’re stilll fictional characters (😞😞) who have no sort of physical form of any sort so do whatever, as long as it isn’t really THAT problematic in a sense (e.g. romanticising rape), go for it.

(Sorry for bringing her sexuality into this, I’m aware of how the show is definitely not centering on this and not every single thing has to be LGBTQ-related but I noice it’s something constantly brought up in the fandom. As someone whose phrasing and essay writing skills suck, I’m still learning bit by bit about how the world works in terms of differing views on things. I may not support your idea of a character but I RESPECT it! If I came off as rude, I’m sorry, remember it’s just my random midnight thoughts🙏)

#mizu blue eye samurai #bes mizu #blue eyed samurai #mizu #tumblr fyp #taigen #taigen blue eye samurai #akemi blue eye samurai #headcannons #akemi #transgender #sexuality #rants n rambles #late night rambles #lgbtq #random rants #might get cancelled #tumbler explore page #explore

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being-kindrad · 2 months

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Interest in a dedicated feminist online forum community?

What are women's thoughts here on an online feminist community, a forum (like phpBB for example), for discussions? Would enough women would be interested in this? Forum software has decreased in popularity, but is still used for niche subjects/communities. (Some real life examples: https://www.reef2reef.com/ and https://www.gardenstew.com/) I'm mildly interested in trying to set up forum software as a technical learning experience, but only if there would actually be interest in using it (because it would cost me money to buy a domain name and web hosting).

It seems like there are so little dedicated spaces for feminist women on the internet. Most feminist communities seem to be libfem, and/or plainly taken over by men (if they purport TWAW, then they definitely are taken over by men). Tumblr has a radfem community, but it's still part of a larger social media system which involves many TRAs (some of which harass radfems), and men, porn bots, etc. Ovarit is useful for consciousness raising, but it seems to me like the Overton window has been shifting towards more conservative takes than feminist ones, especially in how there appears to be more anti-trans takes on there than actual gender critical feminist ones, which kind of makes me bored of it. And so again, radfems are then stuck in a larger community, this one of conservative/non-feminist women, who are there because they dislike trans people and appear to have found a space where they can safely make fun of them and not actually to discuss gender critical content (the recent realization that I even need to be defending common feminist stances like women's right to abortion on Ovarit has been demoralizing). I basically want to make a place where feminist women can just take a break and not have to constantly be building up from ground zero, defending against TRA insults, arguing against conservative/right-wing rhetoric, and instead maybe discussing feminist topics or just chilling in some hobby forum sections or something, idk.

I was initially going to call it a "radfem community" but I see no reason for the community to not include women who identify more with other branches of feminism like gender critical feminism, black feminism, lesbian feminism, eco feminism, socialist feminism, intersectional feminism (I mean the original definition of intersectional, not "tumblrized intersectionality"), etc.

I think there would need to be some "gatekeeping" involved so that it doesn't end up filling up with neoliberal feminists ["choice feminism"] or "prolife feminists" [an oxymoron], so that would need to be figured out. This community would not be meant to be a place for feminists to have to hand-hold people and slowly explain over and over how gender is sexist, or how porn is misogyny, or how abortion is a part of women's healthcare and bodily autonomy. This place would be meant to be a solace from that. Imagine trying to participate in a Calculus class where people who haven't even taken algebra are constantly joining the class and asking "why the fuck are there letters with numbers in math now?!" The class would barely, if at all, progress. Likewise, this community would be for feminist women to have an agreed upon basis for basic feminist stances, and move forward with deeper analysis. There are plenty of other online communities for women who are new to (non-lib)feminism to learn about how "but I like wearing makeup, it's art" isn't a feminist stance. We don't need to keep spending finite energy hashing this out, we need to be able to move forward.

My basic thoughts so far:

It would be women-only. (But there would be no vetting that would involve requiring to share personal information, it would just be an honor system.)

I think there must be some basic feminist stances that members need to agree on, otherwise the community might as well just be a part of any mainstream social media platform. I would assume a decent starting point would be: gender critical, pro-choice, anti-prostitution, anti-pornography, anti-surrogacy, anti-beauty culture?

Some category ideas I have so far: feminism (with maybe different sections for the branches of feminism, and sections for discussing feminist books/websites/documentaries); politics (with sections for discussing or sharing news about feminist political topics like reproductive rights [for abortion, birth control, bodily autonomy], gender critical, surrogacy, prostitution, etc.; spirituality (for those who are into Wicca, or other spiritual beliefs); casual (for general chat, hobbies, music, arts, etc.)

So yeah, what are women's thoughts on here about this?

Would this type of community interest you?

What would you want to see in it?

What would you not want to see in it?

Has this been done before and I am just oblivious? (I tried searching for "feminist forum," but nothing relevant seem to come up.)

Am I naive and this is not going to work?

Please let me know! I welcome any opinions. Thank you. 💜

#radblr #radical feminists please touch #radical feminists do touch #radical feminist community #radical feminist safe #radical feminists do interact #terfblr #terfsafe

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olderthannetfic · 5 months

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hiii i know you're just a person and not a library but if you happen to have them on hand, i'd greatly thank you for some resources on how social justice topics first entered fandom pre-tumblr-2010s, especially in the 90s or earlier is the period i'm interested in, if fans were very eager on being "politically correct" and went out of their way to find related academic texts or if they sort of had to be "kicked in the butt" to do research by people who were already involved in social justice irl, and also if there was pushback against social justice entering fandom & what the arguments were (i know the japanese had the yaoi ronso, i wonder if there is some clearly traceable event like that for the western fandom, or just some insight into the decades-long process it was and how the arguments have changed overtime, eg. yesterday i stumbled across a forum discussion about how a certain character using misogynistic language is "just how working class people talk", & it's so interesting bc that's a kind of argument which seems to have fallen out of circulation completely, so that got me wondering on what other shifts there could have been👀)

I mean... "fans" is pretty broad. But if you want to know about m/m fans in Western fandom, that's a lot more answerable.

Ye olde slash fandom did have plenty of discussion around queerness. There's a certain style that's much more common in older fic where one of them is really struggling with homophobia and doesn't like the idea of being into men and so does something or other awful to create drama in the fic, and even then, some fans would be like "Then he's an undatable jerk!"

The further back you go in that kind of fandom, the more everyone is a mega-nerd and quite possibly an academic. There are certainly things that are openly talked about today that people were clueless about then (trans issues, for example), but you have to do a lot more kicking now to get someone to read an academic article on average.

I really cannot express how much more default-intellectual this hobby was in the 90s and before.

Here's an example of the sort of thing people were coming up with:

Here's a bunch of early 00s meta:

Here's a fanlore article with a smattering of the many long discussions about Why Slash:

Here's a starting point on some rapey stuff in Pros fandom that people had meta thoughts about:

And a common practice of writing fic to debunk/respond to other people's fic that used to be so overt there was a term for it:

You could also just go through the history of Escapade, the oldest slash con that's still running in 2023, and see what the panel topics were:

I'm not sure "social justice" is quite the way to look at this. If you're curious about m/m shippers and misogynist language or treatment of internalized homophobia in fic, that will be covered quite well by things like the above. Plenty of individual fanfic people were involved in AIDS activism because that was everywhere back then. But race stuff? Other kinds of social justice? I don't remember those coming up much.

And of course fans were not eager to be "politically correct". Being involved in slash fandom in the 80s was seen as being a pervert and a purveyor of underground pornography. These were rebels, not pearl-clutching line-toers.

They might have been eager to be pro-gay, but they sure as fuck didn't express it in those namby-pamby terms.

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johannestevans · 1 year

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Possibly an odd question, but……do you have advice on how to be a slut? I’m recently out as a gay trans man, in my 30’s, only ever been with straight cisgender men, and I have no idea where to start. Being on testosterone has helped with the dysphoria, but I can’t seem to let go of old habits from when I was a girl having sex with guys. You can ignore this if you don’t feel comfortable answering, I just thought given the nature of your blog you might have some really good insights

It's not an odd question at all, Anon - I think that for a lot of trans MLM and other people who were raised as or spent a long time being perceived as women transitioning to MLM spaces, it can be a really strange feeling because like... The attitudes to sex and pleasure are just so completely different.

In the West, the culture around sexual and dating life for women who have sex with men is obviously heavily influenced by patriarchal sexual objectification of women, and like...

I do want to write a bit more about this at some point, but straight hook-up and casual dating apps like Tinder and Hinge and so on came after Grindr, and while through the 00s and the 10s there's been a sense of sexual liberation for women who have sex with men, like... Many men still think of women as prizes to be won or status symbols and extensions of their reputation; many people as a rule still think of women as sexually disposable and easily exchangeable, and more than that, they think that women are permanently marked or have their value reduced by the amount of sex or sexual partners they have.

While there has been more discussion and awareness of consent within broader society, ultimately we still live in a patriarchal rape culture that positions men as sexual aggressors and women as receivers of sexual aggression, and ultimately like--

There's the obvious safety concerns to be taken into account, the understanding that women undertake a lot of risk of sexual violence in their pursuit of casual dating and hook-ups specifically because of the way that women are viewed and treated, and obviously with everything I've just said, none of it prioritises women's pleasure or even takes it into account unless it's the performance of pleasure for the sake of male viewers' titillation and satisfaction.

How can you meaningfully communicate about consent and pleasure, as someone perceived as a cis woman, with a cisgender man who thinks of you as sub-human, or as a prize or achievement to be won? How can you talk about what feels good and what you want from sex when your pleasure is viewed and talked about not only as an afterthought, but as something that's inherently less important than the pleasure of the men you have sex with?

How can you talk about sex and desire at all, when the culture you live in says in many ways, implicit and explicit, that you are not capable of such things, and shouldn't be? When it claims that women are sexually desirable, but men are not sexually desirable at all, and are merely beasts to be withstood and endured? When sex itself is something you're meant to be on the "receiving end" of, with your pleasure a side consideration if you're very lucky, and not a mutual experience you share with another person?

Cis women who have sex with men have all that to consider, and as trans men (or other trans people), we're also grappling with our dysphoria, our own feelings about our bodies and sex and desire, our relationships to other men, and particularly to the culture that's in MLM spaces.

I have two guides below - one is about vulvar and vaginal stimulation which is intended for masturbation and self-exploration, but is also good to explore with partners. I think one of the most powerful things we can have in our arsenals is understanding of our own body and our own likes and desires, and hopefully this can be a good starting place for that!

The second is a basic guide to using Grindr as a trans man (it should be usable for nonbinary and other trans ppl), and it also discusses some of the specifics in MLM cruising culture in passing.

Ringing The Devil’s Doorbell: A Light-Hearted, Practical Guide — Let’s talk sex! Vulvar and vaginal stimulation for fun, pleasure, and profit. On Medium.

Looking For 🍑🍆💦: A Beginner’s Guide to Grindr for Trans Men — Approaching Grindr and M/M cruising culture as a trans man. On Patreon / / On Medium.

Feel free to mention any specific bad habits you're having trouble with in follow-up asks, because I'm obviously not you and don't know your personal experiences.

I will say that like... If you do feel you have old habits that are things like not communicating your needs and desires or going silent, faking orgasms, going still and letting someone else "do" sex with you, etc, like.

The use of the phrase "habit" here troubles me a bit, you know? I feel like "old habit" might mean "bad habit" and like...

Cisgender women who do these things are not acting in a vaccuum, and nor are any trans people who are or were perceived as cis women. Nor are you. These are things that people ultimately do out of shame, trauma, uncertainty, fear of communicating explicitly, and a lack of confidence that is firmly embedded in us by a dominant culture that ultimately hates us. Hates women, employs misogyny, but also hates any kind of gender variance, as well as sex that's employed for reasons other than cis patriarchal sexual satisfaction and impregnation.

My point being that none of it is your fault. Not being confident with casual sex with men and/or with sex in general even though you'd like to embrace a slut era is not something to be ashamed of, it's not on you - apart from any dysphoria you might be feeling, even if you haven't experienced sexual violence or abuse, pretty much everyone has some ingrained traumas and fears given to us by the culture we live in, especially when we've been perceived as and treated as women.

So, how do we start with it?

Grindr is the obvious place to start for a lot of MLM - it's easy, it's convenient, it's right there. You might have safety concerns, though, because of the relative anonymity of it, especially if you haven't had sex or been in community with other MLM and queer men before, and you don't feel as comfortable navigating and measuring social or suspicious ones, especially over text!

When I went back to using Grindr after like eight years being celibate for Trauma Reasons, I went for fucking dudes who were staying in hotels - they were tourists, a lot of them, so I wasn't necessarily going to see them a bunch of times afterwards, but also, I preferred the safety of a hotel to seeing people at their homes.

Hotels are staffed, in public places, where you're easily within reach of other people, and unlike in apartment blocks or houses in neighbourhoods, people aren't going to ignore any loud noise and go "Oh it's none of my business" - they'll probably come out to see what the matter is. They also have private ensuite bathrooms, which is a nice convenience and not always guaranteed at someone's home.

Honestly, though? That's very much worse case scenario stuff.

One of the benefits of Grindr for me is that we normally talk in quite explicit terms before meeting up what we like, what we might want from the encounter - and when we meet up, it's normally pretty easy to communicate what we want out loud, saying, "let's do this" or "I like this" aloud as we touch and kiss each other.

The thing about MLM cruising culture and casual sex is that like...

For cis men and women, there is a vision of sex that's going to be upheld - they kiss. They lie in bed together. He puts his penis in her vagina. He thrusts until he comes. Sex is complete, because the man has come.

A lot of people will even refer to penis-in-vagina sex as "real" sex, or have ideas that penetrative sex is the only "real" or "full" sex because of its resemblance to PIV sex. Even when we talk about "foreplay", foreplay is considered almost a necessary evil to "ready" yourself for the real sex - the penetration.

Within MLM cruising culture, while penetration is absolutely the primary goal for a lot of people as a top or bottom, there are also sides (people who don't top or bottom), and even within topping and bottoming, there's plenty of other sex acts. Oral sex, nipple play, jacking each other off, massage, kink acts, etc.

I've had guys come over just to suck me off and then be like "thanks, I'm done" and go - and I've also BEEN that guy, because I love sucking dick, and sometimes it's its own reward.

The encounter is not necessarily finished because the top has orgasmed, either - if you are having penetrative sex, a lot of tops will make sure the bottom has come at least once first (just in terms of muscle relaxation, this is actually a good tip for vaginismus and/or tight anal and vaginal muscles), or they'll come and then start going down on you or fingering you because it's your turn now.

It's not all as simple as "taking turns" or anything, but the thing about MLM cruising culture is that like...

The whole basis of men meeting up to have sex with each other is that we love other men and we desire them. We desire to feel good with other men and to make other men feel good. It's historically been based in anonymity because this desire for each other and the nature of this desire had to be kept clandestine for our safety, but because of its clandestine and simultaneously casual (as in, unattached) nature, it is in many ways extremely sexually liberated.

MLM often explore different kinks and explore different people's desires and their bodies - it's curious and explorative, and a lot of it is about exploring different sex acts, positions, and perspectives of sexuality and relationships, because we already exist in counter to the mainstream cultural shames around sex. Just by desiring men and seeing men as desirable (especially as men ourselves), we're going against the domiannt perspective of the binary as like, women are beautiful, men are ugly.

While there are absolutely people who treat cruising as something transactional just for them to get their rocks off, it's a fundamentally different culture and philosophy around desire and sexuality compared to what exists with casual sex and dating for heterosexual people.

I'm sorry this is so much based in your potential perspective and the cultural aspects rather than specific explicit tips on how to slut around, so I will give a few specific tips on that now! It's just hard to know what angle you're looking for, and I do think a lot of the hardest part is changing our perspectives and exploring what we actually desire and need from our sex life.

So, some practical tips on slutting around:

testosterone is not a contraceptive! if you can't use a hormonal contraceptive like the pill or the implant, there are non-hormonal IUDs that you can use at the same time as condoms. if you want to fuck without condoms and can't use hormonal contraceptives, there's also the cap or contraceptive diaphragm!

you can buy condoms in bulk and it's so much cheaper - even the big brands will have bulk-buy options by the few dozen, and it's worth doing. always try and carry a few in your bag, have a few in your medicine cabinet. never go to a hook-up assuming they'll have condoms - always ask in advance and bring a few along!

regular size condoms will be fine in most scenarios, but your hook-up might need a larger size and/or have a latex allergy, so again, asking in advance is always a good idea

emergency contraceptives are not contraindicated with your testosterone. emergency contraceptives are also not contraindicated with emergency PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis), which will prevent you from contracting HIV after exposure. it is important after unprotected vaginal sex that you take both of these into account.

get tested regularly - if you do use Grindr, Grindr can actually regularly remind you to get your STI tests, especially your HIV! otherwise, every 3 to 6 months is a good shout depending on how much sex you're having - even if you never bareback and are on multiple contraceptives, regular STI tests (and pregnancy tests) are a good idea just in case. in ireland (and in some places in the UK), they will even let you do your STI tests for free by post!

use toys while you're having sex if you like them! Use a vibrator, use a vibrating cock ring, play around with it, have some fun! try different condoms - flavoured, ribbed, etc - and try different positions, too. explore, enjoy!

check out local queer and kink groups - there might be local BDSM meet-ups, kink events, raves etc, and it can be nice to be in touch with the local community, and you can pick up skills too, like by doing bondage workshops etc

try and hang out with other MLM, especially other trans MLM! even when you know in your own head that you desire men and to be desired by them, just being in community with other men where that desire is normalised and celebrated does so much to fucking kill the cishetero patriarchal brainworms. it takes a lot of time for any of us to unlearn that shit, and it's a process!

#trans mlm #mlm #long post for ts #musings #anonymous

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