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nottapossum · 18 hours

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Father knows best chapter 14: Don't give up on me

'I will fight

I will fight for you

I always do, until my heartIs black and blue

And I will stay

I will stay with you

We'll make it to the other side

Like lovers do.

I'll reach my hands out in the dark

And wait for yours to interlock.

I'll wait for you.

I'll wait for you. ~ Don't give up on me, Andy Grammer. {movie: Five feet apart.}

♡

Possum note: That's right, this book still exists. I didn't forget. Don't worry. Lol.

I've been so sick all week otherwise it would have been posted last week. Had some editing to do for it before posting. Hopefully it's alright. It's really late rn.

⚠️TW: involuntary Regression, talks of abuse, mentioned trafficking lots of hurt feelings, apologizes, regrets, implied self hate, Talks of violence, fear of rejection, hospitals. LMK if I should add.

♡

~~~M&M: Past:~~~

Millie and Moxxie had the most beautiful wedding.

He's not sure if it was only the most beautiful wedding he's ever seen because it was actually that beautiful…or because it was his.

It didn't really matter, it was the most beautiful in any case.

He's never been so happy in his entire life!

…but he's also never been more terrified either.

Millie would be in huge danger if they were ever found out.

He has absolutely no doubt that she could handle herself if anyone came after them, but that didn't mean he felt okay about that possibility.

“I wish my parents could've been here to see this.” Millie says as they lay in their bed at the hotel room.

“I know. Me too.” He says, laying down next to her.

The two of them stare at the ceiling…

“Did you tell your pa we got married?” Millie asks.

“Yeah, he says congratulations.” He lies.

Millie smiles. “That was nice. When do I get to meet him?”

“I don't know.” Moxxie says. “He’s just really busy. He's never really had time for family stuff…not since…”

“Your ma?” Millie asks.

Sure.

“Yeah.” He says.

“Do you think she would have liked me?” Millie asks.

“She would have loved you.” Moxxie tells her…

…It's the truth…he thinks.

But sometimes, you have to make up your own truth. “She would have been very happy for us.” He says. “She would have loved to be here.”

He tried so hard to imagine what it would have been like if she were here…

There's a good version…and a bad one.

In the good fantasy, she helped Millie get ready, told her how happy she was that Moxxie was happy…like the movies.

She'd give Millie the pearls she wore at her wedding, a gift from her mother.

And Millie would wear them, even if they're not really her style.

Millie is a badass, but she's also so kind and polite. Even if Moxxie tried to say something, Millie would insist she wear them.

‘I'm wearing them. They're the…most beautiful pearls I've ever seen in my entire life and I'm honored.’

‘Millie, you don't have to-’

‘Shut up, I'm wearing them!’

His mother would turn to Moxxie and tell him to treat Millie well because she deserved the world…because she does.

She absolutely does.

She deserved everything from him. Every good thing he could give.

Since he was already imagining, his father and Alessio would be there too…

His father would tell him that he made his father proud, that he found a good one.

Alessio would hand them the rings at the ceremony with a proud smile on his face.

But…

Then, there was the real version…

What would really happen if they were all there…

His mother would beg him not to do it.

‘Don't ruin Millie's life like your father did mine, please. She deserves better than this.’

She'd warn Millie not to go through with it.

His father would call him a miserable failure, he'd definitely put a stop to the wedding before it could actually happen…

Alessio would pull him away before the ceremony so that Millie would think he just stood her up.

They'd lock him up for a few days, and his mother would tell him it was all for the best.

“Honey?” Millie asks him, pulling him out of those dark thoughts. “Are you okay?”

….He decided he'd stick with the fantasy.

Moxxie smiles at her. “I'm okay. I love you so much.” He tells her, taking her hand.

“I love you too.” She says. She kisses Moxxie with such passion and devotion that he could feel nothing but happiness and love for her.

She was his family now…

No one else matters.

They're okay. And he’ll do everything to make sure of that.

~~~Present:~~~~

They arrive at the hospital to bring M&M in.

Stolas was already there at the door waiting for them.

Once they are parked, Stolas starts barking orders at the hospital staff, knowing he'll need to use his authority to get them to help the imps. Imps aren't exactly a priority otherwise.

Blitzø gets out of the van quickly so they can get to Millie first.

“Blitzø! Are you alright?” Stolas asks once he's out of the van, taking his wrist so he can look the imp over quickly to examine his burns and scars.

“I'm fine, M&M are the ones who need help.” Blitzø explains. “Millie was shot, and Moxxie- I don't really know what's happening with him to be honest with you. But he's not… doing okay.”

Stolas tells the staff to get Millie out of the van. “She needs help first, and then these two.” Stolas gestures to Moxxie and Blitzø once Moxxie is also out, along with Loona and Sallie May.

The staff nods and they immediately tend to Millie.

Blitzø sighs. “Stolas-”

“Shush.” Stolas says to Blitzø before turning his attention back to the staff. “And check those two as well.” He says, pointing at Loona and Sallie May. “No one is leaving this hospital until you're sure everyone is alright.” He says.

“Yes, sir. We'll get her in and fixed up, if everyone else can please wait in the waiting room.” One of the doctors says to them.

Stolas gestures for Blitzø to sit in the waiting room first, face firm in case he tries to argue again.

Blitzø does as Stolas tells him, but he doesn't like it! He hates hospitals! Stolas knows that!

His little self is creeping out, small thoughts of how mean Stolas is for making him do this, it's not fair-

Now is not the time to be small, Blitzø!

He tried to get himself out of it, thinking of big things…

Uhm taxes…

Paperwork…

Muder?

Stolas attempts to comfort Blitzø by placing a gentle hand in his.

Blitzø looks at their hands, then smiles and lightly squeezes Stolas's.

He's not really helping the smallness. But he does appreciate it.

Suddenly, someone shoves a clipboard at him. Not violently, but suddenly. “Just some paperwork for you to fill out. Where do I give Millie's?” One of the nurses asked.

Blitzø blinks. “Uh.”

“I got it.” Stolas says, taking the clipboard.

“You know nothing about Millie.” Blitzø says once the nurse is gone.

“You're doing it.” Stolas says. “I don't think Moxxie is in the right headspace for it.”

“No kidding.” Blitzø mumbles, taking the clipboard from him.

He finishes his and then does his best to fill in Millie's…

But he doesn't know everything about her…

Sigh…

He needs Moxxie's help.

He looks up at the white haired Imp, just staring at his own clipboard, eyes looking dead.

This was all his fault…

Why didn't he just ask Stolas for help sooner?

Moxxie deserves a lot better.

~~~Moxxie and Blitzø:~~~~

Moxxie sat down by himself across from Blitzø, but far enough away from him and Loona. He really just wants to be alone right now…

But he also doesn't. He doesn't really know.

The nurse handed him some paperwork, and he set it aside immediately, he didn't want to see a doctor…he just wanted it all to be over.

He wishes he didn't exist.

But not with his father…

Or with him? It would be easier if he was there instead.

No.

No, that would not be better, that's manipulation talking. Not the truth.

He wants to be here.

Okay not here…but better here than there he supposed.

He has a clipboard in his hands…

He looked at the other one that he just set aside, then looked down at it and realized it wasn't the hospitals…it was the list of all the littles that were trafficked by his father.

He doesn't even remember grabbing it. He flips it open and looks through the many names…

He carefully reads them…looks like most of those who were trafficked are in pride.

Makes sense, probably sinners since they can't adopt littles of their own.

For good reasons, he's sure.

Sick fucks.

“Moxxie?”

Moxxie looks up at Blitzø who was looking at him with what appeared to be nervousness.

He blinks…is he sure it's Blitzø?

Blitzø hands him another clipboard, there's too many clipboards.

“I tried filling it in as best as I could but I don't remember Millie's blood type.” Blitzø says. “Or birthday.”

Moxxie doesn't respond, only looks over the unanswered questions and fills them out real quick.

Blitzø sits next to him. “Hey…”

Moxxie looks back at his boss.

Blitzø sighs, he knows Moxxie is not okay, but he wants to ask anyway! What's a way to ask that isn't so…obvious?

“How uh- how you holding up?” Blitzø asks, hoping that was an okay way of asking.

Moxxie shrugs, expression not changing. “I don't know…I'm-”

He thinks it over, not sure what to say.

He gives up, finishing Millie's paper work before moving on to his own.

“Look…Mox, I'm so sorry for what happened today- I didn't mean to start that fire…” Blitzø takes a second to breathe, not wanting to think about how…

How familiar it all felt.

He often wished he just apologized to Fizz that day, he wasn't about to make the same mistake with Moxxie.

Moxxie doesn't say anything, so Blitzø continues: “I could have saved you earlier if I had just accepted help from Stolas. I don't know why I didn't I guess I just-”

Moxxie raises an eyebrow. “Did- did you just apologize to me?” He asks.

Blitzø looks at Moxxie, confused. “...Yes?”

“You've- I don't think you've ever done that before.” Moxxie says.

Blitzø hums. He looks away from Moxxie. “Yeah…pretty sure I owe you at least five thousand apologies at this point.” He says. “Sorry it took so long to finally hear one. I've been awful to you. I'm awful to everyone…it's not a excuse, that would be the worst defense actually…I just-”

“That's two.” Moxxie says.

Blitzø scoffs. “Shut up, please? I'm being serious.” He says, slightly amused by Moxxie, but not wanting to admit it.

“Serious too? Wow. Lots of new behaviors from you today.” Moxxie says, not mean or sarcastic, just…teasingly?

“Forgive me for being a little remorseful.” Blitzø rolls his eyes in annoyance, crossing his arms as he leans back in his chair.

“Vocabulary improved too.” Moxxie says.

“Okay, we're done talking about me.” Blitzø says, same annoyed tone.

“Stolas must be a good influence on you-”

“Moxxie!” Blitzø shouts, not in a mean way, just loudly to show his seriousness.

Moxxie chuckles. “I'm sorry, I'm done. I'm just…I don’t know. I can't take anything seriously right now. Everything is so fucked up, I don't really know how to react to anything right now.

Blitzø nods. “Yeah…I get that.”

“I’m sorry I lied to you, sir.” Moxxie says, catching Blitzø a little off guard.

“Blitzø.” Blitzø corrects, not sure how else to respond.

Moxxie nods. “I’m sorry I lied to you, Blitzø. I know I should have told you the truth before, but it was just- I- well…”

“Moxxie…you have nothing to apologize for, alright? You didn’t do anything wrong. I wouldn’t have told me either, are you kidding?” Blitzø asks. “You didn't know what kind of person I was. And even when you did, it didn't really matter. Besides, I sorta figured you were a little anyway.” Blitzø admits.

“Really?” Moxxie asks. ”It was that obvious?”

“Well, it was always a question in the back of my mind. The point is, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and just because I know for sure now, doesn’t mean I’ll treat you any different.” Blitzø explains.

“Thank you, s- uh Blitzø.” Moxxie says. “But-“

“What?” Blitzø asks.

“Crimson threatened your family, he threatened I.M.P! Even if he is…-” He can't bring himself to say it. “I bring danger wherever I go! What if the rest of my family decides to find me? What if they-”

Blitzø grips his shoulders again. “Moxxie, my family is safe. We’re fine. Everyone is okay. If they’re not, we’ll deal with it. This isn’t your fault.” He says.

“But I should never have let it get that far in the first place! You saved me from being homeless, you helped me escape prison, saved me from my family, twice now- you don’t deserve this!” Moxxie says.

“Moxxie, we’re friends. We fight shit together. Besides, this was nothing I couldn’t handle.” Blitzø says. “We escaped prison together, we started I.M.P together, we fought the human government! There's nothing we can't do. And Millie? She could do it all without us, but she has us: we can handle anything that's thrown our way so long as we got each other's backs.”

“Moxxie nods. “Thanks, Blitzø.”

“Don’t mention it.” He says. “Well, since I now know your secret…I guess it's only fair you know mine.”

“Are you going to tell me that you're a little too?” Moxxie asks him.

Blitzø sighs. “Yup.”

“I figured.” Moxxie says.

Blitzø shrugs. “Well, littles kinda have a weird sixth sense about these things.” Blitzø says.

Moxxie nods. “Yeah... “It doesn't change how I feel about you either.” He says reassuringly.

“Thanks, Mox.” Blitzø doesn't smile, but Moxxie knows that he was happy to hear it.

“I need to apologize to Millie.” Moxxie says. “But, I don't know how.”

Blitzø nods. “Yeah, that won't be a fun one. But, it'll be fine.”

“What if she never forgives me?” Moxxie asks.

“She will.” Blitzø says.

“She shouldn't.” Moxxie argues.

“She will.” Blitzø says again, a little louder.

“I didn't mean to cause all of this.” Moxxie says.

“Moxxie, stop. You didn't cause this.”

“Stop saying that.” Moxxie says. “Because I did.”

“I will stop once you stop blaming yourself, it was my fault more than it was yours; You didn't ask to be kidnapped or to be forced into your father's creepy mind games.” He says. “You're the victim in case you haven't noticed.”

Moxxie looks as if he's about to say something else…but he doesn't.

While they were talking, Stolas had taken all the paperwork to the nurse.

“Moxxie Knolasname?” The nurse called. “The doctor will see you now.”

Moxxie stands up.

“Good luck.” Blitzø says.

Moxxie smiles at him. “Thanks, Blitzø.”

Moxxie looks at him for a moment, as if there was something more he wanted to say…

But he didn't.

~~~Blitzø and Loona:~~~

After the conversation with Moxxie, Blitzø got started on his next apology…

He moved to sit down next to his daughter, the guilt eating at him alive…

“What do you want?” Loona sighs.

“I didn't mean to worry you, Loony.” Blitzø says. “I know I messed up.” He says.

Loona sighs. “We could have lost Moxxie.” She states.

“Loon-”

She holds up a finger. “I couldn't lose you both. I couldn't live with that. You're my father, dude. You're supposed to be there, I still need you around!” She shouts, trying not to be too loud, but she's so angry, she can't help it.

Blitzø takes a deep breath. “I know, I'm sorry. I just-”

“You need to take care of yourself!” Loona says. “I'm not losing another parent.” She says.

“Loona, you're not-”

Loona starts tearing up. “This was all my fault…” she whispers.

“What?” Blitzø asks, he hasn't seen her cry in a while…he's not sure what to do.

“I was supposed to be watching him, I couldn't track him down, I've been so awful to him!” Loona cries outwardly now.

“Hey.” Blitzø rests a hand on her shoulder. “Loona, this was not your fault…do you hear me?” Blitzø asks.

Loona nods. “Yeah.”

“Good. It wasn't your job to take care of Moxxie, he's a grown man.” He says. “I never should have put that on you. I never thought it would go this far.”

“...I couldn't track him.” She says.

“It was impossible to track him. Why would I expect the impossible from you?” Blitzø asks. “That's ridiculous.”

“You don't get it.” Loona says. “It's the one thing I'm good at, the only thing I'm good for, isn't that why you adopted me!?” She asks.

Blitzø's eyes widened. “What?! Of course not! Loonie-”

Loona turns away.

“No, look at me, Loonie.” Blitzø tells her. “You are my daughter. You mean way more to me than your physical abilities. I know you. You're smarter than you think you are, you're hilarious, driven, you hide everything behind sarcasm and anger but I know how passionate you are, how you want way more than anyone could or has ever offered. Loona…you matter to me. I love you. I saw that you had so much to offer the world and deserved a better chance, that's why I adopted you. No other reason.”

Loona looks at him.

“I went into that pound to find a hellhound for I.M.P. but…my motives changed once I saw you.” Blitzø explains further.

Loona smiles.

She wants to thank him, tell him that she loves him too…

But…

She really doesn't want to cry again.

Loona wipes away the tears quickly and stands up. “I'm gonna go get some real Coffee, want some?” Loona asks.

Blitzø shakes his head. “No, my nerves are bad enough right now.” He says, half joking.

Loona smiles and nods. “Yeah.” She turns to Stolas, who was a decent distance away. “Take care of him?”

Stolas smiles at her, then at Blitzø. “Always.”

~~~Stolas and Blitzø: a few minutes later:~~~

“Okay, Mr Blitzo. We're ready for you.” Someone suddenly says.

Blitzø's breathing fastens as his chest feels this horrible- horrible pain.

He was doing so well, but now he either wants to cry or kill every nurse and doctor in this damn place!

“Is it alright if I accompany him?” Stolas asks.

“I suppose so, if he's okay with that.” The doctor says.

“Blitzø?” Stolas asks him for clarification. “Is it alright if I go with you?”

Blitzø nods, taking Stolas's hand. “Please.”

He's feeling small…he can't fight it anymore. He needs Stolas there!

Stolas smiles. “Come on.” He leads Blitzø to the doctor's office.

They get a few strange looks, but no one questioned why he went with the imp.

“Take a seat please.” The doctor tells him.

Blitzø climbs up on the hospital bed and sits down, still holding Stolas's hand.

He's kicking his little feet anxiously and his eyes are showing off innocence.

Stolas realizes he's small now, and he gives Blitzø a worried look.

“Alright, Mr Blitzø. What happened here?” The doctor asks.

Blitzø doesn't answer, he just bites down on one of his claws.

“There was a fire.” Stolas says softly, taking Blitzø's hand out of his mouth.

“Is he a little?” She asks Stolas.

Stolas feels a cold sweat as the imp is reaching for him, asking for some comfort.

“Well, I want to say no.” Stolas says.

“Stowes.” Blitzø whispers loudly, it's cute he thinks the doctor can't hear that.

“He's a secret little then?” She asks. “I get those more often than you'd think. I promise I won't say anything.” She says. “It's not really any of my business.”

“Oh.. Thank you, I appreciate that.” Stolas says.

She gently and carefully touches Blitzø’s face.

Blitzø flinches and moves away from her.

“Hey, it's okay, sweetie.” She says.

Blitzø whines, reaching and clawing at Stolas to get away.

Stolas takes his hands carefully. “Blitzø, calm down, please. She's not going to hurt you, I promise I wouldn't let her do that.”

Blitzø does believe Stolas, but that didn't make him any less afraid!

His breathing continued rapidly as soft whines escaped him as she examined his wounds.

She looks them over and carefully bandages him up. “He'll be fine, there's gonna be quite a few new white marks on him, but-”

“But he'll be alright?” Stolas asks.

She nods. “Oh yeah, he'll be fine.” She turns to Blitzø. “You'll have to keep those bandages on for a bit until they're fully healed, okay hun?” The doctor asks. “Replace them every day or so, or whenever you think you need to.”

Blitzø doesn't answer her, just stares at her with fear and skepticism.

Stolas speaks up. “I'll make sure he takes care of himself. Don't worry.”

She smiles. “You're so lucky to have such a good caregiver.” She says, handing Blitzø a lollipop.

Blitzø takes it, reluctantly, biting the plastic and deciding its gross.

Stolas shakes his head as he takes the lollipop and unwraps it for him. “No, I'm the lucky one.”

“Is that your daddy?” The doctor asks.

Blitzø shakes his head. “Mm no. Dats my Stowes.”

Stolas pets his head. “Is there somewhere we can go until he's out of his headspace?” Stolas asks.

“Of course. There's a quiet room outside. Walk down the hall. It's the one with the koala on the door.” She says.

“Thank you.” Stolas smiles.

~~~Moxxie and Sally May.~~~

“You alright?” Sallie May approached Moxxie once he got out of the doctors office, she handed him a coffee from the machine.

“I'm fine.” Moxxie says, taking the coffee. “Thanks.”

“The coffee here sucks.” She says. “I'm getting some real coffee after they tell us Millie's not fucking dying.”

Loona offered to get her one, but she turned her down, not knowing the wolf well enough to trust her with her drink.

Moxxie’s breathing fastens at that moment, thinking about Millie and the state she's in!

“Woah, chill out. She's fine, she's survived worse than this.” Sallie tells him.

“I know, I know. I know she's fine, I just-”

“You're worried, I get it.” Sallie says. “I am too…”

They were quiet for a few minutes,

“So. You're a little?” Sallie May asks.

Moxxie nods, it was weird admitting it. “Yeah, so?”

“So, how'd you fake the test?” She asks.

“My father made me.” Moxxie says. “Hypnosis works wonders on the mind.”

Sallie May hums, understandingly.

“How about you?” Moxxie asks back.

Sallie's eyes widened. “What?”

“I've known since I first met you.” Moxxie says.

“You've never said anything...” Sallie says, shifting awkwardly.

“It's not really my business.” Moxxie says.

Sallie licks her lips. She has never talked to anyone about it…ever. Not even Millie or her brothers.

“You don't have to answer.” Moxxie says. “I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

She looks away from him, appreciating his sensitivity, she supposed.

She's not sure if it was the situation or the fact that Moxxie is a little that makes her want to, but she does want to tell him. “...It was hard after I came out.” She explains, not entirely sure why, but she thinks she can trust him. “My parents didn't really…get it. I mean, they were fine with me being myself, they tried to be supportive. But, it was so stressful! Everyone was treating me like- like I changed but I didn't! I dyed my hair and changed my clothes, and they acted like I was a complete stranger they didn't even know!”

Moxxie nods.

Sallie took some deep breaths. The only one who treated her the same was Millie, their rivalry didn't change a bit…and it was amazing!

‘Thanks for not…you know, treating me like a complete stranger.’

‘You're not a stranger, I always knew who you were, an annoying, stubborn, badass bitch. I think…you're brave. Being honest about who you are isn't always easy. Especially with our parents.’

It was a small compliment that they barely lingered on…

But it meant the world to Sallie…

“After that I- I just- I didn't know how to tell them that I was a regressor too. So, I didn't. I studied that test for months to make sure I didn't get a regressor classification… I just couldn't do it.”

Moxxie nods. “Yeah…I get that.” Moxxie sayd. “I don't know how I'm going to face it.”

“Face what?” She asks.

“The rest of my life.” Moxxie says.

“I've been there, trust me. Sometimes being yourself is harder than the fake version you've invented…but that ain't livin.” She says.

“But I've been pretending my whole life.” Moxxie says. “I don't even know where the facade ends and I start. I feel like I've been broken for so long…and I'm just pretending I'm all put together.”

“It's okay to not be, you know, it's okay to not be alright. It's alright to be a little broken. Everyone is a little…”

“People always say that, but they never mean it.” He says.

“I do…” She takes a sip of coffee then turns to him. “Suffer.” She says, snarkily.

Moxxie rolls his eyes.

“Seriously though, let yourself feel. Those who really matter will be there. “

“You need to learn to take your own advice.” Moxxie says.

Sallie shrugs. “But I worry no one in my family really matters.”

“We do.” Moxxie says. “Millie and I will be there for you regardless of what your family says. But you should give them a chance to care before assuming they won't be supportive.”

Sallie May scoffs. “You need to learn to take your own advice.”

“Moxxie, you can see your wife now.”

Moxxie feels a sharp pain of guilt hit his heart…

He takes a deep breath.

“It'll be alright.” Sallie May promises.

But there's no way she can know that…

Moxxie nods anyway and stands up.

“Moxxie?”

“Yeah?”

“Don't tell Millie about me.” She says.

“I wouldn't do that.” Moxxie says. “I promise your secret is safe with me.”

~~~Stolas and Blitzø:~~~~

Blitzø and Stolas find the quiet room.

The sign on the door wrote: ‘Quiet room/Sensory-friendly room. Please be respectful.’

The room was a beautiful blue color, and the lighting was soft as was the music that was playing inside.

There were toys in the center of the room, and beautiful shelves that were sorted nicely and labeled.

-Fidgets

-soft toys.

-paper

-towels

-wipes

-headphones.

It was a paradise for any little one, or for those who deal with sensory issues, anxiety, or those who are autistic.

It had everything they could possibly need.

Stolas set Blitzø down next to him in the seating area. “Are you doing alright?” Stolas asks him.

Blitzø shrugs, climbing back onto Stolas’s lap.

“Do you want to go home?” He asks, petting the imp’s head.

Blitzø shakes his head and whines through the lollipop in his mouth, hugging Stolas tight.

“Would you like to stay with me tonight?” Stolas asks him.

Blitzø nods. “Scay.” He says through the lolly.

Stolas kisses the top of Blitzø's head. “Alright, you can stay with me. As long as you'd like, little one.”

“Stowes?” Blitzø asks, taking the candy out of his mouth.

“Yes dear?”

“M’ in twoble?”

Stolas tilts his head. “Of course not, darling. Why would you think that?”

“I ‘pose ta be big.” He says.

Stolas kisses the top of Blitzø's head. “You can't help that, darling. You had such a big stressful day today. Besides, the doctor isn't going to say anything. Even if she did, I promise I would never let anything bad happen to you. Alright?”

Blitzø nods. “Stowes?”

“Yes?”

“Hawts.” He whines, resting his head against Stolas's chest.

“I know, dear. I promise it'll get better.” Stolas holds him gently, avoiding his more sensitive areas. It was hard but he found a comfortable enough position to hold the imp before the little one fell fast asleep.

~~~Millie and Moxxie:~~~

Moxxie hesitates a moment before entering Millie's room.

What can he say?

He lied to her, hid his true self, his family, and dragged her into all of it.

His head was spinning and he felt so cold…

The doctors had prescribed him anti-anxiety medication and gave him the number to a therapy clinic.

That's what he needs. Drugs and strangers to talk to about what happened.

Right now he wishes he could take the drugs.

And talking to a stranger would be easier than talking to Millie right now …

Which hurts…because Millie is his favorite person to talk to.

He takes a deep breath and opens the door.

“Moxxie!” She smiles, lively as ever. She acts as if she didn't lose a shit ton of blood from her leg.

“Hi.” Moxxie smiles. “How are you feeling?”

Millie reaches for Moxxie's hand and pulls him forward, hugging him tightly. “I'm so glad you're safe. Are you hurt at all?”

Moxxie shakes his head. “I'm fine Millie. I'm not hurt. I'm okay.”

Millie sighs with relief. “Good.”

There was a few minutes of silence between the two…now that they both know the other was fine… there was room for other thoughts.

“Moxxie?” Millie asks, voice a bit hesitant, but determined as well.

Moxxie looks at her. “Yeah?”

Millie looked up at her husband sadly. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She asks him. “I would have understood. I don't under-”

“Millie…” Moxxie turns his head slightly away from her. “Can we maybe not talk about this right now?” He interupts.

“I’m your wife!” Millie says. “How could you not tell me? I am always here for you, how could you think that I-” Millie takes a deep breath. “What did you think I would do to you?”

Moxxie shakes his head. “Nothing, I just-” he really didn’t want to talk about it…he wanted to forget it.

“Moxxie?” Millie asks. “Are you alright?”

Moxxie shakes his head again. “She was right. I never should have dragged you into this. I'm sorry.”

“Who's she?” Millie asks.

Moxxie gets up and walks around the room a bit. He doesn't know why, he just has to move!

“Moxxie?” Millie asks.

“Do you need anything?” He asks. “Are you hungry or need another pillow?”

“I need answers.” She says simply.

She doesn't understand any of this…what was going on!?

Moxxie sighs. “Millie…please?”

Millie nods. “Alright. I'm- I'm sorry. You're right. It can wait, I'm just-”

Moxxie takes her hand. “You don't have to be…I'm the one who's sorry.” Moxxie says.

Millie smiles at him. “It's okay.” She says. “You didn't do anything wrong, hun. I'm not mad at you.”

“Really?” Moxxie asks. “You're not mad?”

“Of course I'm not mad. I'm confused, maybe a little hurt, but I'm sure you have your reasons, right?” Millie asks him.

Moxxie nods.

Millie reaches to touch Moxxie's face. “I love you so much. You know that, don't you?”

Moxxie nods. “I know. I love you too.”

Moxxie sighs and he's suddenly very unable to stand still, fidgeting, needing something to do.

“Hun?” Millie asks.

Moxxie looks at her. “Yeah?”

“Can you get me a glass of water?” She asks.

Moxxie smiles and nods. “Yeah. Thanks, Millie.” He says, about to leave the room.

“And Moxxie?”

He stops. “Yes, Millie?”

“Whatever the answer is- when you're ready…it'll be okay.” She promises. “We'll work this out together. Like we always do.”

Moxxie nods. “Okay…”

He leaves to get her the water.

And Millie sighs once she's alone again.

It was hard to accept. But she trusts Moxxie.

Sometimes trusting someone means not getting all the answers right away.

Even when it's killing you.

♡

'And I will hold

I'll hold onto you

No matter what this world'll throw

It won't shake me loose'

Cause I'm not givin' upI'm not givin' up,

No not yet

Even when I'm down to my last breath

Even when they say there's nothin' left

So don't give up on me

I'm not giving up,

No not me

Even when nobody else believes

I'm not goin' down that easily

So don't give up on me.'

Don't give up on me, Andy Grammer. {movie: Five feet apart.}

♡

Possum: One more chapter, one more chapter!! Then we get lotsa Moxxie fluff! Hang in there guys!!! Lol 😆

Hope you guys liked this chapter okay. It's not anything special, the next one will hopefully be better.

At least we know about Sallie now! What do you guys think of her being a regressor? Lmk.

♡

@todayimfour @ask-dusty-boy @im-not-paying-my-taxes @abby5577

@thatswhat24 @stormy-is-hyperfixated @trophyxtissues2 @attagirljessy

@legeufygeuber100

#ittybittyimps #father knows best #fkb ittybittyimps #father knows best IBI #little!Moxxie #age regressor Moxxie #age regressor Sallie May

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obsidiancreates · 2 days

Text

From Regular Wednesday To Regular Whimsday

(I still haven't watched past 41 in OUAW, I keep just restarting it, so for the OUAW gang this is just some unspecified time in the swamps of Hither.)

It starts with Witchlight, of course. A patch of mushrooms, a mysterious artifact that could reportedly "open doors to new worlds of possibilities", and the whims of a 20 year old with ADHD and the ability to write whatever the fuck xey want.

And so the artifact shatters in the patch of Witchlight, and Carnival LeCroux find themselves faced with six deeply confused, highly concerned, and bafflingly identical humans.

"Well this is diffrrrent," Torbek says, scratching his head. "Isn't it usually uuus who Witchlight messeees withhh?"

"Must've been that orb thing!" Kremy searches the mud below them by poking his cane around in it.

"Roman, what is this?" The human in the dark shirt and blue-striped tie asks the one in the white-and-red royal-like getup.

"Don't look at me." Roman points at a human with a similar but more elaborate outfit of green and black. "Whatever this horrid imagining is, it must be Remus!"

"Oh, thank you, brother, it is horrible here! But, I didn't do it! Maybe good ol' Daddo did? He's been a frog before, frogs, swamps-"

"Please, Patton would never bring us somewhere this gr-oss!"

"And I really only looked like that because we were talkin' about Frogger." The human in the lighter blue shirt with the gray covering tied around his neck says, wincing a little and adjusting his glasses. "Virgil? Do you know where we are, kiddo?"

"No." The human in the patchwork purple and black hoodie is tense, ready for either fight or flight (probably flight, based on his general vibe). He looks around, eyeing Carnival Lecroux. "And those guys seem way too active to be any imaginary constructs. ... I told you guys we shouldn't have let Janus convince Thomas to have another glass of wine tonight! We're probably in some... weird nightmare because of it!"

"Oh, blaming me, what a surprise." The final human- well, maybe not. While most of him looks human, half of his face is covered with scales. His cheek has a natural slit implying an ability to unhinge his jaw quite wide but only on that side (so he probably can't actually, because his other cheek would be completely screwed if he tried), and his eye is bright yellow with a slitted pupil.

"Slit pupil means he's venomous," Frost warns his friends. "Right, Gricko?"

"Oh, yeah, yeah. I've never seen a snake-folk before, though, actually."

"He's barely a reptile-folk at all!" Kremy points at the kind of-human. "Either fuckin' commit or don't!"

"Oh, okay, gettin' some strong language here! Let's uh, elt's tone that down, how about, huh?" Patton looks at Remus. "Kinda leaning towards this being you, now."

"What, like I'm the only one who swears between us?! Ro-bro here-" Remus slings an arm around his brother, who quickly shoves it off. "-is the one who came up with Bitchmas!"

"I was in a heated debate! I'm just very passionate!"

"You're a potty-mouth! Even more than me!"

"I have to disagree, Remus. Your deodorant alone is all the evidence I need to contradict you."

"Mmm, but does contradicting me really matter if no-one cares to pay attention, Logan?"

"Oooooh, they've got drama." Twig climbs down from Gideon's shoulders. "This is just like those trashy major images!"

"We are not trashy!" Roman looks at his brother. "Well, most of us are not trashy. And we are not from some... major image!"

"Roman, I don't know that you need to justify us to the imaginary child."

"I'm not a child! I'm a Twig!"

"As in your name?"

"Yeah!"

"Then those are not mutually exclusive concepts."

"Alright, alright, enough of all this!" Kremy points at Logan with his cane. "Y'all explain yourselves right now so we can get a fuckin' move on!"

"Boy, lotta f-bombs being thrown around by this guy." Patton plays with the sleeves of the hoodie around his neck.

"Why would I explain? The only possibility is this is happening within Thomas's mind, so I see no reason to-"

"OH, GREAT FLYNN RIDER'S SMOLDER! Logan, there is another possibility! A whimsical, fantastical, impossible possibility!"

"That... is already a contradiction within itself."

"We... have been TRANSPORTED TO ANOTHER WORLD!" Roman strikes a pose, one arm aloft in the air and the other held close t his chest as he gazes up into the sky.

"That is absolutely impossible."

"Uh... I dunno." Virgil looks down at the mud and swamp ooze clinging to his boots and pants. "I do feel... weirdly solid, right now."

"Yes! Some kind of incredible magic has taken us OUT OF THE REALM OF PRETEND and into a true fairytale!" Roman's eyes positively sparkle.

"First of all, magic does not exist."

The entire Carnival Crew look at each other. These people are either completely insane, or from what sounds like the worst world ever. No magic is like no stones for building, no wood for burning, no air for breathing.

Logan continues. "Second of all, if we have been somehow transported, beyond all possibility and the very logic that makes up my being, where is Thomas?"

Gideon puffs on his cigar. "Quit talkin' between yerselves! Just answer Kremy's fuckin' question, man!"

"The... alligator-man did not ask a question. He told us to explain ourselves."

"Oh-ho my gods! He's worse than Frost!"

Frost doesn't show if he's offended or not. He simply goes, "Mmm."

"I don't care what you say, Logan-"

"Not new information to me."

"-I am going to treat this as a grand magical adventure! Clearly we have been taken away to a world of magic and monstrosities to fulfill some grand quest, and these uh... strange creatures, are the proverbial tutorial for our journey!"

Gideon leans down to Kremy's ear. "Can I punch 'im?"

"Not yet, Gid. But probably later."

"Mmph, fine."

Roman points at the other party. "My good sirs! We are the Sanders Sides, a group of uh- what's the word you use, Logan?"

"Fine, I shall play along until a reasoning more aligned with myself is presented by someone who will actually be listened to. The word I use is Metaphysical, it simply means not actually physical beings."

"Yes! Metaphysical adventurers from another world!"

Frost leans in, intrigued. "What exactly do you mean, you aren't actually physical beings?"

Logan speaks before Roman can give his own explanation- likely for the best, as the words 'Well, nerd,' were clearly to be Roman's next input to the conversation. Logan, instead, matches the energy of Frost with his clear explanation.

"Well, to put it simply we are personifications of various aspects of Thomas's personality and mental processes. Our main function, and reason for existence, is often to externalize an issue that would normally be resolved through an internal examination and investigation."

"Wow, that's uh- that's really quite interesting. And yet you all take on these uh, these-these roles, and personalities, beyond your intended representations?"

"Yes, and the... severity, of these individualizations has increased drastically over the years."

"So you've had a-a growth cycle! You've developed your minds to contain intricacies and um, and greater depth of character, literally."

"Well- yes, I suppose that is not an inaccurate way of stating it, but again we are not individuals. We are not actually capable of fulfilling many of the requirements considered for actual-"

"OH MY GOSHHHHH!" As Patton cuts Logan off with a joyous scream, Logan's huff of indignation goes unnoticed by all but the fascinated Frost. Instead, all attention turns to the creature who has stepped out of the bushes. Giant round eyes, soft and fluffy fur-feathers, a little beat that the leg of a frog is quickly swallowed into.

"I'm going to cry," Patton breathes, hands clasped up by his mouth.

Logan clears his throat and adjusts his glasses. "It is a very adorable creature. And apparently docile, which I assume means it's with these people."

"OH, of course she is!" Gricko throws himself at the adorable owlbear, clinging to her neck with a hug as she muzzles her face into his. "This is my daughter Hootsie, Hootsie T. Cutesie-Grimgrin!"

"Don't you mean pet?"

Gricko looks at Logan with horror. "No! She's my daughter, and a very bright little girl, oooooh Hootsie, he didn't mean it, they must not have adoption in whatever world he's from."

"What? Of course we understand the concept of adoption, but-"

"Well y'all said you ain't got magic where you're from, so it ain't too unreasonable to assume you're lackin' a buncha other stuff as well!" Kremy gestures at Logan with the ground-end of his cane, flinging swamp muck onto the human's shirt.

Logan sets his jaw and looks Kremy in the eyes while flicking the muck off. "Our world lacking in nonsensical magic does not mean it lacks basic concepts such as adoption. I was proposing a correction because, while it is clear anthropomorphic animal-human hybrids are a normalcy here, that... is just a bear with an owl face."

"Hey! You keep shit-talkin' our niece, I'm gonna punch you right in the body!"

"I am not-"

"AWWWWW, you guys think of each other as family?"

Kremy taps the eyehole if his skull cane topper. "Well, I dunno if-"

"Hell yeah we're a family!" Gideon grabs Hootsie, and by extension Gricko, and holds them both in a hug. "Been travellin' together so fuckin' long an' know so much about each other, what else could we be?"

"I mean we could be a group or uh-"

"Ooooooh, but Mr. Kremyyyyyy, Torbek thinks of you all as faaamily."

The screams of the entire collective, Sides and Carnival alike, could deafen someone unused to either party. Twig and Roman especially.

"Oh-ho, geez, man! We forgot you were here!" Gideon thumps Torbek on the back. "You gotta stop doin' that!"

"He does that a lot?!" Vigril, adrenaline leaving him, drops out of his pose to bolt and sinks deep into his hoodie. The words come out more like spittle, forcing their way through gritted teeth.

"Ooooh, Torbek doesn't mean to. People just forget Torbek exists."

"That's not a terrifying notion at all." Janus keeps his cane hoisted up and arm cocked for a swing, just in case. "There's nothing alarming about a seven foot tall glowing monster who can completely vanish from notice without even trying."

"I knew he was still here!" Remus twirls his morningstar and walks over to Torbek, burying his face in Torbek's closest patch of fur and taking a deep sniff. "You reek! It is delightful!"

"Oooooh- huh? Wait, reeeeally? You find Torbek deliiightfuuul?"

"Oh, abso-lutely! What is that smell, I have never whiffed it before! Is it your deodorant? What flavor is it called?!"

"Uuuuuuh, what's deodorannnt?"

Remus blinks up at Torbek with a grin absolutely carved into his face. "You're going to be my new best friend. Sorry Janus!"

"I don't care at all." Janus examines his "fingernails", despite the presence of his gloves. "The title means nothing to me."

"You love me!" Remus begins to literally climb Torbek. "Now let me see these glowing drug implants! This place is a wealth of new ideas!"

"Please do not encourage my brother," Roman says with a look of disgust.

"We ain't, I think he's just encouragin' himself. And trust us, we've tried makin' Torbek a little more presentable."

"Yeah! When he was all tiny in my inn, he got a nice bath and makeover! But it got ruined as soon as he fell out." Twig holds up her tiny satchel-sized inn for Roman to see.

"Your- oh, look at that! Now that is the kind of whimsy and fantastical magic I was looking for!"

"Speaking of looking, let's look for a way home." Virgil is no longer quite so pressed into his hoodie, but the hood is still up over his head. "What is Thomas going through right now? You guys said when I ducked out, things got bad. Now we're all gone!"

"Oh, sweet Tatiana's beignets, he's right! Thomas could be in serious peril!"

"That's assuming our roles as facets of his personality still apply to us at this moment. Given that we have physical forms-"

Remus's head snaps around and he shouts, "You're all aware of your own breathing!"

Everyone splutters and gasps and makes general noises of upset as suddenly Breathing becomes a conscious effort.

"And we've all got heartbeats!" Remus giggles and claps his hands as even more displeasure rings out, and he simply turns back to trying to part Torbek's fur around the implants and see the scars. Torbek shifts uncomfortably, but his ear twitches and his eyes glaze with a bit of relief- Remus is unintentionally helping scratch a few itches and clean some gunk from Torbek's fur.

Virgil has his hand over his heart. "Is mine supposed to be racing this much?"

"Well, everyone has a different resting heart rate, Virgil. Allow me to- oh my goodness. Ahem. No, that is likely because your, well, you, has spiked with Remus's comments."

"Hhhnnnnggg..."

"Okay, Virgil, now would be the time to utilize those breathing exercises you've taught Thomas."

"Little easier to say than do, Logan!"

"Well, simply try."

"Yes, and if the racing nature of your heart causes you other health problems, Gricko may be able to help." Frost gestures at the goblin who, when Torbek had frightened everyone, had dropped from Hootsie's neck and landed head-first in the soft muck of the swamp. Gricko puts up a single thumbs-up, still quite stuck and dazed, though his nose peeks out just enough for him to breath without worry of suffocation.

Logan blinks. "He, is your doctor?"

"Not exactly, he is uh- let me pull him out, actually, he may want to correct you."

Frost does not move to pull Gricko up- but up Gricko comes anyway, a shhhhhplop! following some invisible force yanking him from the mud.

"Oh, thank you, Frosty," Gricko says, his voice becoming mumbled and somewhat slurred at the last word. "Anyway! Um, yes, I am not exactly a doctor, I am a druid. I can help with some basics healings but not everything."

"Like Torbek's various raaashes."

"Ooooh, you have rashes? Where?!"

"Remus, you will get rashes if you touch them," Janus says, reaching up with his cane and swiftly pulling Remus down to the ground. "Having a real body means you can actually get diseases now."

"Oh, Janny, you're saying that like it's a bad thing!"

"Which means real, symptoms? Including things like death?"

"I still don't see the issue here."

"Okay. Does anyone have a leash?"

"Ooooooh, yes, please."

"Eugh."

#once upon a witchlight #sanders sides #thomas sanders #legends of avantris #fanfic #my attempts at fanfic

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bnhaobservation · 3 days

Text

Ramblings about the Shigaraki family

So, the past time I was rambling about the Shimura family, the Takami family and the Himura family.

Well, I guess this is the time to remble about the Shigaraki family (as the family of All for One and Yoichi, not the family of Shigaraki Tomura).

PREMISE

In creating the history of the Shigaraki family Horikoshi went as unrealistic as he could get and more. Their backstory is basically a HUGE request for suspension of disbelief on how children, and more specifically newborn, work.

For start the children shouldn’t have survived and, to continue, assuming their survived Yoichi wouldn’t have probably grown that way, never mentioning the framing seems to blame All for One for things that are actually not his fault for no good reason (I mean, there’s PLENTY OF THINGS we can blame All for One for, why trying to do so for things that aren’t his fault?).

So I’ll split this analysis in two, first I’ll put the ‘in reality this wouldn’t have worked’ part, so as to get it out of the way, then I’ll go back to the siblings and re-analyze them pretending all the highly unreal things in their history are, by some miracle or extremely unlikely and unexplained reason, possible.

Mind you, this first part isn’t meant to be a complain, merely a list of what clashes with reality. Mangakas can ask their readers to suspend their disbelief and accept unreal things to happen in their story… the problem is this makes harder for readers to them analyze the characters’ behavior because they can do or are expected to do, what a normal person can’t do and this makes the message the author wants to deliver harder to pass.

Lastly... what follow is just my humble opinion. I'm not Horikoshi, I don't own the truth so feel free to think differently.

And okay, let’s start.

REALITY CLASH

Now… we’re told the Shigaraki twins lose their mother short after being born. All for One manages to steal her Quirk before she dies, which okay, he might have done unconsciously… even though the other times he did so, he seemed to do it with purpose (as he needs to turn on and off his Quirk when he does so) and needing time remaining holding his victim for a while which doesn’t seem the case here but whatever. Quirk magic.

Now… the babies are then left lying on the ground next to their mother.

The problems really start when the flood of the river sweep them away. We’re asked to believe All for One managed to use his Quirk to cling to his mother, remaining on top of her and therefore out of water while at the same time holding his brother’s arm and keeping him as well on top and out of water.

We start with the first problem.

To use his mother’s Quirk to stab her, he should manage to hold his head still as he pierces her… but a baby takes about three months after birth, to develop enough neck strength to hold their heads up. They won't fully control it until around six months. More likely, if he were to activate his mother’s Quirk, he won’t stab her, he would end up pushing himself AWAY from her, never mentioning figure out he has to use it on his mouth and on his right hand to manage to hold on her. Newborn don’t use their mouth to hold themselves at something by biting it (they don’t even have teeth!) but to suck and are still trying to figure out they can grasp things and how.

All for One to figure out he can use his mouth and hand to hold himself and that he can strength his grip by using his mother’s Quirk which he has just stolen and shouldn’t know how it work feels highly unlikely if not outright unrealistic.

Now… a corpse can float as long as it doesn’t fill itself with water. Since it’s raining and the river’s waters aren’t quiet and she has on top of her two babies (newborns weight from 2,5 kg to 4 kg) not only I wouldn’t expect the corpse to take long to fill itself with water but also to be a very unstable raft.

Even if a baby’s grip is pretty strong and Yoichi should weight much less than him, adults on an unstable raft have problems to hold each other… never mentioning this requires All for One to see Yoichi (newborns’ vision isn’t as good as when they’re adults), acknowledge that Yoichi is something he wants to keep, grab Yoichi and keep on holding him despite the unsteady surface he’s on.

But whatever, let’s assume he could do all this.

Babies need to eat about every 2 to 4 hours. How are the twins getting milk? In theory someone should have picked them up and, since society is still in place, brought them to an orphanage where they were cared for. The story though seems to want to imply from that moment on they survived on their own which is… well above a baby’s abilities as newborn don’t even know how to crawl.

Horikoshi then tells us All for One was imbued with hubris and disrespect for others from the moment of his birth and views everything within his reach as his own possession… as if this were a thing that All for One was born evil. Problem is… this is how all the infants see the world and it’s only around preschool age (but sometimes it drags on longer) THEY ARE TAUGHT the world doesn’t revolve around them, as well as to empathize with others. They’re all like that and meant to be taught to grow out of it, it’s not something that’s characteristic of All for One only or of evil people only.

In the scene in which All for One beat people and Yoichi tries to stop him Yoichi is missing his milk teeth meaning he just started being of school age (you lose milk teeth at 5/6) and the two seem to live on their own, meaning they aren’t in an orphanage.

Long story short, when All for One was a newborn being as selfish and egocentric as he could was absolutely normal and since apparently no one taught him that it wasn’t the right behavior, it was unlikely he would stop… and here comes the second problem as… Yoichi instead somehow learnt it!

Yes, it could be because All for One is taking care of Yoichi so in a way Yoichi has someone to act as a caretaker but… All for One shouldn’t even have known how to take care of him, that Yoichi too, like himself needed to be feed! We’re told Yoichi is weak and sickly, this would mean he shouldn’t have survived if not properly taken care of meaning he needed food, staying in a warm, clean place, and possibly medicines and so on. There should be an adult in this story taking care of them in their earlier FORMATIVE years, but there’s no mention of this, to the point that it’s ALL FOR ONE WHO NAMES YOICHI and is aware he’s his sibling and the same goes for Yoichi… who doesn’t give up on his older brother because he has faint memories of All for One’s hand holding his arm when they were newborns and wants to believe his brother’s grip had been gentle and kind. Note that people don’t have memories that date to their birth… and if All for One’s grip had been gentle and kind, Yoichi would have slipped from his grasp and drown. That wasn’t the moment to be gentle but to hold tight but neither baby should remember the whole thing so not only a gentle grip would be unrealistic but shouldn’t be remembered.

Apparently Yoichi has no other nice memory of All for One… even though it’s supposedly All for One who takes care of him because we see him as a kid finding hard to stand so it should be All for One who provides him with food and clothes.

Also, although it’s just an explanation the fact that All for One stole the nutrients provided by his mother while they were in the wombs seems to speak ill of him but Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome is a pregnancy condition that involves imbalanced blood flow between identical twins. The imbalance deprives one twin of the nutrients it needs while providing an excess of nutrients to the other twin and can be fatal TO BOTH. It’s not a sign one of the babies is greedy, it’s a sign the pregnancy is having problems.

All for One has plenty of faults but he’s not born evil due to a pregnancy condition or having the exact same mentality all the newborns have. The framing instead seems to want to paint him as such. Of course there’s the possibility Horikoshi wants his readers to realize this, that the framing is unsympathetic because it’s meant to be unreliable. I don’t know but, for me, it doesn’t really work well.

To make up for it the framing for Yoichi is extremely positive but… Yoichi is actually presented as a fundamentalist Hero, the kind that would make Stain happy with his Quirks can’t be used for personal gain (Heroes use their Quirk to save people but gets paid to do so, hence they get a personal gain. If Quirk use has to be completely selfless we go back to Stain’s ideals of how being a Hero can’t be a job), but he fails at being a positive figure in All for One’s life as he can’t influence him positively in the slightest.

Last but not least, Yoichi claims he’s teaching himself how to read. While it’s possible to teach yourself how to read, generally you need someone to help you connect the written shapes of letters (or, in his case, kana/kanji) to the sounds. If the kids are alone without a supervising adult reading for them, and therefore indirectly giving them help to connect the kana/kanji to the sounds they make and give them reading directions, they shouldn’t even be capable to know in which sense the reading should go… actually it should have taken Yoichi time even to figure out if the manga should have been read in the western or in the Japanese manner because no one was there to help him figure out this or in which order to watch the images and this isn’t always easily intuitive.

Anyway, with this we end the part where I discuss the points in which the past of the Shigaraki twins distances itself from reality to the point it goes from highly unlikely to completely unreal without additions/adjustments Horikoshi didn’t seem to plan to include.

Due to this part I don't know if my analysis can be reliable because I tend to make them according to how the mind, the psychology and the development of people work in reality in addition to what it's told in the story. If the story distances too much from reality... well, I can easily be lead off track in my interpretation so consider yourself warned.

IF WE TAKE THE STORY AT FACE VALUE AND ACCEPT THE UNREALISTIC

The first relevant thing about the Shigaraki twins is that they’re alone in the world from the start, having only each other as company.

Even when they were in the womb and technically were with their mother, she was unaware of their existence and lived an unstable lifestyle which, in a way endangered them, never mentioning she died once she gave birth to them and left them alone in the open, under the rain and in a hostile environment as rats wanted to eat them and the river flooded short after, which yes, saved them from the rats but could have killed them as well.

If in the story this was meant to be a formative experience for the twins (in real life it hardly would be but we’ve discussed this part already so let’s pretend it would), All for One at the start of his life was presented immediately with lack of care and help and a world that’s a danger to him. In order to survive he has to take care of himself, he has to steal his mother’s Quirk and use his mother’s body to survive. As he does so he chooses to also save the other misfortunate creature that was with him from when he had a spark of life, his twin brother.

It’s not like Yoichi is presented as nurturing or caring or helpful toward him (quite the contrary, Yoichi throw things at him when he thinks All for One is doing something wrong and shares with him the fact he’s reading comics only when All for One catches him doing so)… it’s just Yoichi is there, with him, and doesn’t mean to harm to him in a world that either ignores or tries to harm him… and somehow All for One recognizes him as ‘family’. Yoichi is like a Teddy Bear to All for One, in a way he’s his security blanket. Yoichi was his sole companion, the only one in the same situation as he was and, apparently, All for One felt Yoichi should feel and see the world like he does. He wants Yoichi to see the world like he does.

All for One’s mentality of seeing everything else as his own possession, hating those who wouldn’t care for him when in need and wouldn’t provide him with anything is the one of an infant and he’ll never graduate from it… except in regard to Yoichi. Although he still labels Yoichi as a possession, the latter is of no use and provides him no care and yet he can’t let him go nor feel disgusted by him. All for One will label his feelings for Yoichi as ‘love’. It’s clear it’s not healthy love, the one in which you care for the other and asks for nothing back, it’s selfish love, the one in which you think you own the other and the other has no agency in this.

What about Yoichi instead?

While All for One is the one who has to fight for their survival… Yoichi doesn’t. He gets saved by All for One. Where All for One doesn’t have anyone to help him, Yoichi has someone. If we’ve to accept no adult took care of them… Yoichi’s survival was entirely dependent on his older brother (and, later, Yoichi will also get saved by Kudō). All for One is clearly a terrible caretaker as selfish as he is, but he still is Yoichi’s caretaker. Yoichi has better clothes than All for One has (his clothes fit him when All for One has some cloth tied around himself), we see Yoichi as a child can’t seem to be able to move (he seems to be crawling on the ground) so he can’t provide himself for food, which means All for One goes out of his way to search food for him too.

I’ll stretch things a bit and assume that, since Yoichi is weak and is being provided for, this helped him to feel empathy with other people who are weak and therefore, when said people get abused by his brother he feels bad for them and so he didn’t want All for One to hurt them (it usually doesn’t work like that in real life but it happens all the time in manga so let’s assume that’s what Horikoshi is going for).

Yoichi though, is unsuitable as a morality pet (I’m not looking down at him, ‘morality pet’ is the name of a role trope/archetype in tales) who will lead to All for One becoming a good person.

In fact All for One will claim he wants to become a evil overlord because he wants a world that exists for his sake and his alone. Basically no one cared about him when he was in need so he now wants to force the world to do so. His wish is an answer to the pain he felt when he cried and screamed and no one came to help.

He wants to be loved and nurtured the way he wasn’t as a kid (being loved and nurtured is a kid’s PRIMARY NEED and if the kid doesn’t get it, there’s a GIANT size chance the kid will receive serious psychological damage that will carry over to adulthood) but, since he didn’t receive such things, he didn’t even know how to ask for them or what actually he’s looking for. He’s still an infant in a way, instead than trying to become a person that can be loved and nurtured by others, he just wants to impose himself over them the way a newborn wants, making everything ‘all for his sake’.

So All for One wants to identify with the person whom, he thinks, has what he’s missing, the evil guy of the comics whom everyone serves, even if out of fear (talk about comics having a negative formative impact on him). This is his power fantasy, only All for One has power enough he can turn his fantasy into reality.

Yoichi has a different dream, he wasn’t completely neglected, he was (poorly) taken care of but he’s powerless so his power fantasy is becoming the Hero who’s fighting hard against a enemy and will eventually gain power enough to defeat him. The comic is formative for him too, as it gives him the idea good should always prevail on evil as the Hero will eventually win… THROUGH FIGHTING THE BIG BAD.

It’s meaningful that when Yoichi sees his brother hurting others he throws a can to him, attempting to hurt him in retaliation (and only ending up on being hurt back)… where Midoriya, in the first chapter, stood in front of the boy Bakugō was hurting and it’s Bakugō who attacks him. Midoriya focused on protecting, Yoichi focused on attacking.

Now I’m… not sure if this is done on purpose or it’s a flaw on Horikoshi’s part but in the story we don’t have Yoichi giving All for One a single meaningful speech or do a single meaningful thing that could have a chance to move his brother enough to make him change his path. I mean… we get All Might preaching about how Yoichi has a strong sense of justice… but the way all this is shown is merely by having Yoichi refusing to join his brother and giving him moral speech like how meta powers shouldn’t be used for personal gain ( “異能”は私利私欲に使うべきじゃない ‘“Inō” wa shiri shiyoku ni tsukaubeki janai’) and how bad it is that All for One is doing this to fulfill his own personal desires… which is not really convincing to me because:

- in the BNHA superpowers are used for personal gain as Heroes get paid and it was Stain the one who complained against it but the story set up Stain as an extremist, not as someone who’s right…

- the problem isn’t really that All for One is trying to fulfill his own desires (there’s nothing wrong in fulfilling your desires!) but that his own desires are harmful to others…

…and can’t be convincing to All for One because it basically doesn’t answer to All for One’s needs, but just tell him what he can’t do. Yoichi doesn’t tell him ‘I care for you, I want to take care of you, if you were to help people and let them know you they would care for you and help you too so you don’t need to do this’ but ‘don’t do this because it’s morally bad’ even though people around them is using their superpowers for personal gain and acting to fulfill their own desires at their expense. It’s not a solid argument for an ordinary person, for someone who has the maturity level of a newborn like All for One is… well, totally ineffective.

We’ve the same problem when All for One calls there two people and turn them into his allies by HELPING THEM, giving them what they NEED to stop being in misery.

Yoichi’s “Don’t do it…! There’s no coming back” (ダメだ…!戻れなくなるぞ ‘Dame da…! Modorenaku naru zo’) is the opposite of persuasive as those people don’t want to come back, they don’t want to go back as they were, they were miserable as they were, like Lady Nagant they hope that the world All for One will bring will be better than the current one because the current one is terrible to them.

There’s no understanding of what moves others nor the presenting of other better options available.

Yoichi is not persuasive at all, with such words he can’t hope to change anyone’s mind… though I don’t know if it’s a flaw in Yoichi or a flaw in writing (as in Horikoshi believes Yoichi’s ‘noble’ words would move others but they don’t work on All for One because the guy is a bad guy and they don’t work on those people because they’re weak and so they fall prey of All for One).

Anyway, due to Yoichi’s inability to drive his point across (possibly because he is unable to see the needs of All for One and empathize with them so doesn’t know how to respond to them in a way that would move his brother), Yoichi is unable to positively influence his brother. He remains, unyieldingly, in his ‘noble’ position, but doesn’t get a single progress with his brother.

All for One also doesn’t make progresses. He’s vocal about how he loves Yoichi, but doesn’t actually know how to love people because, again, he’s as mature as a toddler. He jails Yoichi, forces a Quirk on him thinking this will help him see things his way, but, even though he actually gives a much better speech than Yoichi, he doesn’t understand him and why he’s refusing.

In a way the twins are similar, they both have a power fantasy and aren’t willing to compromise on it or to genuinely try to put themselves in each other shoes to REALLY meet each other middle way.

In theory it makes sense they can’t, due to their upbringing they weren’t taught to do so, to reach each other midway (which is something very different from what All for One is doing in chap 193), to compromise and find a way to be they both can accept.

Ultimately Yoichi escapes, supposedly planning to fight his brother and All for One ends up murdering him… and then regretting it immediately after because again, his outburst that cause Yoichi’s death is the one of a little child who doesn’t see the consequences of his actions.

All for One saves Yoichi’s hand, he chases what remains of Yoichi in form of his Quirk for YEARS, he hates Kudō who took Yoichi from him to the point he didn’t just murder Kudō but all the women and children who were close to him so as to make sure to end his bloodline, he feels empty inside without Yoichi.

It’s ironic because, even though I think Horikoshi’s idea is to have both brothers love each other, it’s actually only All for One the one who shows his love. Sure, it’s a VERY TWISTED, VERY SELFISH form of love, in fact, if All for One’s interest for Tenko can be compared to the one of a predator who took a young child and manipulated him into doing his bidding, his love for Yoichi can be compared to the one of a selfish, jealous boyfriend who would kill his girlfriend should she look at someone else.

With this I’m not saying All for One’s love is incestuous, because it’s not represented as sexual (or even romantic) in nature. All for One’s warped love for Yoichi is likely meant to be the reflection of a childhood need, it’s twisted and selfish because it’s comparable to the one of an infant for his mother, not of an adult man for a potential partner.

Now… very likely since All for One is so psychologically damaged Yoichi’s love wouldn’t have managed to compensate and make All for One a normal person but the bad part in the story is that Yoichi is never shown giving him love.

I’m not saying he should have done it when All for One was trying for world domination but, in the flashbacks about their childhood, along with the scene in which he threw a can at him, there could have been a scene in which he… I don’t know, covered him while he was sleeping or cuddled close or bandaged his wounds or something. Instead it seems if All for One hadn’t caught him, Yoichi would have kept from him even the fact he was reading comics.

It’s, I fear, a problem in writing, possibly Horikishi assumed it wasn’t needed to show it because Yoichi is a good person so of course he would love his older brother, it’s just All for One who’s not catching it up and being content with what Yoichi is giving him, and maybe for Japanese readers it’s obvious but… as a western reader I can’t see it.

Yoichi’s love instead is hardly depicted. Yoichi is this paragon of virtue that wouldn’t yield to him but… he’s not shown giving him (brotherly) love, we’re only told he wouldn’t give up to him due to his wish to picture All for One held him gently when they were newborn. I’m confident he loved his brother because that’s what’s socially expected of him, so Horikoshi likely gave him this trait despite how Yoichi can’t forgive what All for One did but… it’s not really something the story digs into, in a way Nana shows more care for Tenko than Yoichi for his brother. Again, possibly is a narrative problem, All for One is meant to be the ultimate evil so Yoichi has given up on him, we’ve to be satisfied with him dying, if his brother were to weep for him we might feel bad… but still this doesn’t paint Yoichi as a brother who, at a certain point had loved All for One, we just have a box saying something along the line but no visual proof.

Yoichi will go and develop attachment for his saviors, Kudō and Bruce, and for Midoriya, who represents the perfect Hero Yoichi believed in (and, likely, for the past One for All users), where All for One can’t really attach to people, not even to Tomura whom he raises to be similar to him (he leads Tomura to kills his family by accident and rage, in the same way he has done with Yoichi, and All for One gives him their hands same as he was holding Yoichi’s hand, and raises him into his beliefs telling him it’s okay to kill people) and who loves and respect him. To All for One, Tomura is just his next body. For him his ‘friends’ are all ‘expendable’, which includes Machia and, likely, Garaki. None of them can replace Yoichi. None of them can provide him with the love and care he needs to satisfy his soul. There’s probably no way to provide him that, his idea if he were to have Yoichi back he would feel fulfilled is likely doomed to fail, he can’t fill the black hole there’s inside his soul, if he were to have Yoichi back he would delude himself he’s happy but he would still crave for more. It would never be enough because it would never be healthy.

Yoichi instead… doesn’t need him, he’s satisfied with dying as a Hero. Yoichi is focused on his goal and while his goal is a good one for humanity… it remains a power fantasy for Yoichi to feel fulfilled all the same… which, I fear, is a flaw in writing. Probably Yoichi needed to be developed more, instead than remaining a stereotypical representation of noble ideals, he needed someone to dig more in his humanity, in his flaws, so that he would feel more human and less Mary Sue… but, I guess, there was no space in the story for this. Yoichi, as well as the other All for One’s users, aren’t really that important in the story, Yoichi is more like a plot device, the one who creates One for All and the one who gives a motive to All for One to chase the One for All users, instead than a character.

It’s probably also due to this that his reunion with All for One at the end of the story feels weak.

All for One has learnt nothing, he’s still the same as he were at the start, but he’s also desperate to have Yoichi back, he begs Yoichi to shows himself to him… but Yoichi basically shrugs it off, he’s more interested in praising Midoriya for offering them a final salvation… and with them I’ve my doubts it includes himself and All for One but I think he includes himself and the One for All users (‘Kyūsai’ 救済 means “relief; aid; rescue; salvation; help”… but also “salvation from suffering based on Buddha's teachings” meaning they finally might stop being trapped in between life and death and move on) who get to punch and destroy All for One fulfilling their lifetime goal and then can finally stop being vestiges. Yoichi also claims he couldn’t guide his older brother but again we stumble in the old problem. His effort to guide him was hardly shown and there is little regret in his words. Where the Todoroki family tried to stop Touya but also was there to express their love for Touya, Yoichi just seems interested in stopping All for One, no love involved.

So in a way it’s ironic, differently from the other families I looked at, here there are no parents who damaged their kids or pushed their values on them… but just two siblings who failed to love and support each other in an healthy way. One focused on becoming a noble person, the other decayed into a terrible person and, while in a way everything can be traced down to blame society (they were left without a caretaker with the world being in chaos and anti Meta mobs hunting people) the story really doesn’t focus much on this.

In the end, Midoriya’s final words about All for One being just a lonely man (‘sabishi’ 寂し meaning “to feel lonely” “to miss someone”) seem to miss the target. Midoriya knows nothing about All for One and his real problem wasn’t just he was alone (as he’d been bad even when he had Yoichi) but that he was ‘unraised’. No one raised him, cared for him, taught him to be a better person from when he was an infant. This caused him to become unable to establish healthy bonds with others and, therefore, to develop a healthy way to live.

So yes… he’s lonely because he doesn’t have Yoichi or anyone else… but that wasn’t his problem. Society has abandoned him instead than teaching him to care and so, as a result, he never learnt to do it.

Of course, due to the framing, it can be that this wasn’t what Horikoshi aimed to represent, it could be that he just expected All for One to learn those things by himself like Yoichi did… even when it’s normally not how it works. But well, this is a story so he can go as unreal as he wants.

So well, I guess that’s all for the Shigaraki family, which, in hindsight, wasn’t really that developed and, if Horikoshi hadn’t written those flashback chapters, I guess I wouldn’t have tried writing about it.

I hope you’ll forgive me if this isn’t as deep as I usually write this sort of meta but, not only there was little material but part of the material was ‘too unreal’ to make a realistic psychological evaluation of the characters and their motives… or just too vague so I tried to do my best but I might as well have failed. Many apologies for it and thank you for having read this piece till now.

#boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #Shigaraki #Shigaraki Yoichi #Shigaraki Tomura #All for One #BNHA Ramblings

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avatarthelastairgender · 4 months

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i think the most insane thing about the mean girls movie musical is that literally no one does anything mean for the entire duration of the movie.

#we are TOLD about an actually mean thing that happened in the past but no one is SHOWN actually being mean or doing anything mean.#i was losing my mind

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othercrossee · 1 year

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Btw yes I am making kamado sorta a villain in the au, in the game he was so pathetic about protecting the village he rather sent out a 15yo child out in the wilderness after using them for his own gains, left to die and rot if volo didn't help them

#z rambles #hes so caught up in his own goal and his past to look around himself who he hsd been casually exploiting and in this case #its the dorm presidents who are still students yet treated like an employee for the entire school years #its even worse knwoing theres TEACHERS in the dorm concil who doesnt do equally as much as the president #and irida is young. her entire thing is that she was forced to grow up too fast and shes so tired she doesnt let herself rest due to it #unlike irida. adaman actually doesnt overload himself with work cuz he trusts his council members to do their fair share #irida is too prideful and shes too anxious to rely on others. she rather overwork hersslf to death if it leads to that #kamado doesnt care as long as the job is done #and when a very real dangerous thing happened he doesnt call off the hunt altho adarida told him to do so #*he was not one to bent rules after petty remarks* they were questioning his status and decision. he was the director for a reason #and it seems irida took that to heart. of course. only you kmow the best ill do my part eveb if it means dooming myself #cant help it cant you? just another task she needs completed and be validsted in how responsible she is for her position #for the greater good wpuldnt you risk yourself as well? your livelihood? your youth? your life?#was death really sth she cpuld casually accept #obv it isnt entirely kamados fault why irida is the way she is. eveb in later chsoters hes proven to be rsther stuck in his own shoes #why not fit into another size for a try?#the ghost of the two children hikari snd rei would surely show him incase we couldnt. exploited and dying in battle out in the danger?#theyd kmow a thing or two about teaching old men too stubborn in their ways to see the risk theyve taken #why risk for the greater goods when theres other ways thst doesnt require such things to begin with?#were you gonna let your own trauma and memories destroy others too? were you?#and god did that rang thru maybe not just for one. someone else def need to hear that for herself #were she gonns ket her own trauma and memories destroy others....and subsequently herself in the process?#it almost feel like her entire life could burst open at the seams. at its foundation #maybe for her the treasure hunt isnt too special. especially when your entire life feels as if youd been hunted from the beginning #spirit school au #HOW R PEOPLW FINDING THIS?? its just so ranfom???#2024 op here excuse me dkjakd

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myriadsystem · 25 days

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#must not text him texting him is the growth killer #must not text him texting him would be bad because it will make us feel bad and its my fucking bday this weekend #im not letting me do that to us #but fucking god i miss him rn and a lot lately 😭😮‍💨 was there a traumaversary i didnt know about??#the only him related traumaversary already happened in feb and we handled it pretty fairly well (mostly due to the ffected being dormant)#but still like. what did i do last year for my bday? what did we do the year before he was probably there then but i dont remember feeling #this way around last bday? which he prroobbabblyy wasnt there for? time is not easy for me #idk its driving me crazypants lately like i miss him so much i thought he was my everything forever he told me he would be #but hes not and he never was and hes done a lot to hurt me but none of it was on purpose he was never mean or violent #and looking at old pictures we look so fucking good together and old chats the way he talked to me was so sweet and but that doesnt change #the fact that at this point in time and probably never again is he actually here #fuck this noise man ive got a cute outfit ready im going to the local museum with my grandma for my bday day #and ive got weed and tunes planned for the evening there are so many things to look forward to coming soon why #why do i seem to be stuck in the past lately. like not in active ptsd mode im not triggered as the kids love to say but i just cant stop #thinking abt him and the whole relationship and wishing he was here. wishing he never left? or more like wishing hed come back #hoping that hes changed enough and that i have too to make it work. i keep having awful visions of him coming to my door after a life attemp #and im so mad at him but i cant leave him out here so of course i invite him in to care for him and make sure hes ok #and its awful because it feels like a whisper away from being reality. its too close to what could be real #and its awful not because its a dream but because the closeness to what could be reality hurts so much when logic kicks in #and i know its not reality no matter how dang close it seems #personal #i think im splitty lately. im losing more time than usual and i cant get this boy outta my head.#i hope hes a lingering thought and not a permanent resident oh that would fuck us up so so bad #idk. idk dude! everythings fucked up atm im doing a lot of personal growth but im also behind on so many other things #i just want him out of my brain. its my fucking goddamn birthday and im making this one a good one for fucking once #i can handle the other shit later but this one do be fucking me up in a major way lately the last few days. weeks? who knows

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fingertipsmp3 · 26 days

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Feel like locating my secondary school PE teacher and sending him some kind of hate message tbh

#just thinking about the time he basically; apropos of nothing; decided to make us run a 5k all through town #i mean we ended up so far away from the school it MUST’VE been a 5k in total #and the people who completed each leg of the run the quickest (so; the fitter people) were allowed to rest until everyone else made it #then we had to keep going once everyone was there #which mean whoever got to the next checkpoint last wouldn’t get to rest at all #of course your girl was last #i ran most of it with somebody who just got out of hospital and she was insulting me the whole time for being unfit and saying she would’ve #left me in the dust if having surgery hadn’t impacted how fast she could currently run #i was like i wish you fucking would leave me alone #i was in so much pain. the stitch i got didn’t go away for absolutely AGES. i tasted blood in my mouth #of course everyone told me it was just my own fault for being fat and lazy and never running #like i didn’t do PE twice a week and try my hardest #just because my hardest didn’t look as good as everyone else’s hardest didn’t mean i wasn’t giving it my best #but this fucking man didn’t seem to know that #and i just have to wonder if crushing my & other people like me’s self confidence was the goal #or if he just didn’t understand the fucking thing he’d VOLUNTARILY become a teacher of #you can’t just make a beginner run a 5k!!! people who find it harder need longer breaks!!!!!!#he put me off running for SO fucking long. he & the girls he continued to gang up on me #whenever i run outside i think i’m going to hear laughter #and whenever i stop to walk i think i’m going to get verbal abuse #the way i’m twice as good a teacher as he was. and i quit. says a lot doesn’t it #i really think i might look him up and sign him up to be visited repeatedly by jehovsh’s witnesses #or just run repeatedly past his house with a sign on my back saying FUCK YOU TIM #i can’t actually remember his first name. it’s something similar to tim #i think he deserves bad things to happen to him so i don’t care if it really is tim #i change everyone else’s names but who the fuck cares about him #personal

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kindacreepy-kindaugly · 2 months

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haven't been sad like this in a long time

#doll #did i get lovebombed again #it's been ages since he last even tried that w/ me...#but. the more i think abt it the more it makes sense.#the others were suspicious from the start but we couldn't figure out what the ulterior motive could possibly be #cause it was so out of character for him. suddenly wantin to make us more official when he'll usually avoid any trace of actual commitment #i guess he knows i dream about a more....traditional relationship. exclusive for both instead of just one way.#white picket fence etc #so it was easy to spin it into that when rly he just wanted to stake his claim in a more visible way #(not a proposal just a promise ring type of thing on a necklace so i thought it was him tryin to compromise)#so now i just feel stupid cause i bought into all the stuff he said. bout the way he wants this to be forever.#when it rly was just another way to mark me.#i'd be fine w/ it if he just said that's what he wants! he knows i don't mind wearin his name or w/e even though i don't rly get it #but tryin to mask it as smth else that he knows i want but would never ask for cause he doesn't do that stuff #it's not ok #everything he does we deal w/ as it comes but. not the fucking mind games again. he can't/doesn't wanna force me to do things (anymore)#so now he's tryin to trick me into em instead?#i don't feel like i can trust anything he's said now #n if i try to have an actual adult conversation about it he's just gonna talk circles around me til i'm dizzy again #i was rly startin to trust him. i don't understand. what happened?#did i do something? have i been so flaky he feels he needs to do this stuff to keep me in check?#he just told me that he's happy if i even just drop by for a little while but. i'm not sure i believe that now either.#i mean i shoulda realized cause it'd only affect me anyway. i don't think he even mentioned wearing one himself.#i've been so happy ring shopping for days n now i just feel sick. messing w/ consent is a whole Thing for him so #chances are he wanted to keep me content w/ an empty show of commitment while he gets off on what it really means #i shoulda known it was too sudden n came out too easy for him. he never talks about feelings stuff so easily it's always a struggle #i think it's all bc he's afraid of losin me but....i rly thought we were past this stuff. i rly thought i could trust him now.#i'm just rly rly upset n sad n disappointed #spdrvent

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autismserenity · 3 months

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know someone who enjoys horror stories? share this one! it's true!

hahahahahahahahahaha aarrggghhhhhhhhhh 3,000,000 deaths due to COVID-19 last year. Globally. Three million. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. The reason people are still worried about COVID is because it has a way of quietly fucking up your body. And the risk is cumulative.

I'm going to say that again: the risk is cumulative.

It's not just that a lot of people get bad long-term effects from it. One in seven or so? Enough that it's kind of the Russian Roulette of diseases. It's also that the more times you get it, the higher that risk becomes. Like if each time you survived Russian Roulette, the empty chamber was removed from the gun entirely. The worst part is that, psychologically, we have the absolute opposite reaction. If we survive something with no ill effects, we assume it's pretty safe. It is really, really hard to override that sense of, "Ok, well, I got it and now I probably have a lot of immunity and also it wasn't that bad." It is not a respiratory disease. Airborne, yes. Respiratory disease, no: not a cold, not a flu, not RSV.

Like measles (or maybe chickenpox?), it starts with respiratory symptoms. And then it moves to other parts of your body. It seems to target the lungs, the digestive system, the heart, and the brain the most.

It also hits the immune system really hard - a lot of people are suddenly more susceptible to completely unrelated viruses. People get brain fog, migraines, forget things they used to know.

(I really, really hate that it can cross the blood-brain barrier. NOTHING SHOULD EVER CROSS THE BLOOD-BRAIN BARRIER IT IS THERE FOR A REASON.) Anecdotal examples of this shit are horrifying. I've seen people talk about coworkers who've had COVID five or more times, and now their work... just often doesn't make sense? They send emails that say things like, "Sorry, I didn't mean Los Angeles, I meant Los Angeles."

Or they insist they've never heard of some project that they were actually in charge of a year or two before.

Or their work is just kind of falling apart, and they don't seem to be aware of it.

People talk about how they don't want to get the person in trouble, so their team just works around it. Or they describe neighbors and relatives who had COVID repeatedly, were nearly hospitalized, talked about how incredibly sick they felt at the time... and now swear they've only had it once and it wasn't bad, they barely even noticed it.

(As someone who lived with severe dissociation for most of my life, this is a genuinely terrifying idea to me. I've already spent my whole life being like, "but what if I told them that already? but what if I did do that? what if that did happen to me and I just don't remember?") One of its known effects in the brain is to increase impulsivity and risk-taking, which is real fucking convenient honestly. What a fantastic fucking mutation. So happy for it on that one. Yes, please make it seem less important to wear a mask and get vaccinated. I'm not screaming internally at all now.

I saw a tweet from someone last year whose family hadn't had COVID yet, who were still masking in public, including school.

She said that her son was no kind of an athlete. Solidly bottom middle of the pack in gym.

And suddenly, this year, he was absolutely blowing past all the other kids who had to run the mile. He wasn't running any faster. His times weren't fantastic or anything. It's just that the rest of the kids were worse than him now. For some reason. I think about that a lot. (Like my incredibly active six-year-old getting a cold, and suddenly developing post-viral asthma that looked like pneumonia.

He went back to school the day before yesterday, after being home for a month and using preventative inhalers for almost week.

He told me that it was GREAT - except that he couldn't run as much at recess, because he immediately got really tired. Like how I went outside with him to do some yard work and felt like my body couldn't figure out how to increase breathing and heart rate.

I wasn't physically out of breath, but I felt like I was out of breath. That COVID feeling people describe, of "I'm not getting enough air." Except that I didn't have that problem when I had COVID.) Some people don't observe any long (or medium) term side effects after they have it.

But researchers have found viral reservoirs of COVID-19 in everyone they've studied who had it.

It just seems to hang out, dormant, for... well, longer than we've had an opportunity to observe it, so far.

(I definitely watched that literal horror movie. I think that's an entire genre. The alien dormant under ice in the Arctic.)

(oh hey I don't like that either!!!!!!!!!) All of which is to explain why we should still care about avoiding it, and how it manages to still cause excess deaths. Measuring excess deaths has been a standard tool in public health for a long time.

We know how many people usually die from all different causes, every year. So we can tell if, for example, deaths from heart disease have gone way up in the past three years, and look for reasons. Those are excess deaths: deaths that, four years ago, would not have happened. During the pandemic, excess death rates have been a really important tool. For all sorts of reasons. Like, sometimes people die from COVID without ever getting tested, and the official cause is listed as something else because nobody knows they had COVID. But also, people are dying from cardiovascular illness much younger now.

People are having strokes and heart attacks younger, and more often, than they did before the pandemic started. COVID causes a lot of problems. And some of those problems kill people. And some of them make it easier for other things to kill us. Lung damage from COVID leading to lungs collapsing, or to pneumonia, or to a pulmonary embolism, for example. The Economist built a machine-learning model with a 95% confidence interval that gauges excess death statistics around the world, to tell them what the true toll of the ongoing COVID pandemic has been so far.

Total excess deaths globally in 2023: Three million.

3,000,000.

Official COVID-19 deaths globally so far: Seven million. 7,000,000. Total excess deaths during COVID so far: Thirty-five point two million. 35,200,000.

Five times as many.

That's bad. I don't like that at all. I'm glad last year was less than a tenth of that. I'm not particularly confident about that continuing, though, because last year we started a period of really high COVID transmission. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. Here's their data, and charts you can play with, and links to detailed information on how they did all of this:

Here's a non-paywalled link to it:

https://archive.vn/2024.01.26-012536/https://www.economist.com/graphic-detail/coronavirus-excess-deaths-estimates

Oh: here's a link to where you can buy comfy, effective N95 masks in all sizes:

Those ones are about a buck each after shipping - about $30 for a box of 30. They also have sample packs for a dollar, so you can try a couple of different sizes and styles.

You can wear an N95 mask for about 40 total hours before the effectiveness really drops, so that's like a dollar for a week of wear.

They're also family-owned and have cat-shaped masks and I really love them. These ones are cuter and in a much wider range of colors, prints, and styles, but they're also more expensive; they range from $1.80 to $3 for a mask. ($18-$30 for a box of ten.)

#covid isn't over #covid 19 #disability rights #disability advocacy #wear a mask #covid conscious #covid cautious #mask up #wall of words #public health #health care

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lovecolibri · 9 months

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#we are supposed to be transferring our stuff over to the outsource company on the 18th #we still haven't even received the offer from them with our pay and benefits quotes and job descriptions etc #i asked who would be taking over all the stuff outside our normal jobs we should be doing #and if a position would be created to do that stuff because i would like that position #and i got told no i would have to keep doing things for the facility even if i got rebadged to the new company #(aka they 'can' take over all these job duites but only if we stay on to do them because in all reality they CAN'T take everything over)#now with open positions at the facility filling up and no offer to compare with from the outsource company me and the other person #in my group still looking for another job both decided we were tired of waiting for the offer and took other internal positions #and when i tell you everyone started *scrambling* and are now pissed because they already said they could do all this stuff #that they absolutely cannot do without us i just 🤭🤭🤭#this place fucked us around for months and pushed up our transition date from a year after the system switch slated to happen in july #(then pushed back to oct and then nov giving us until fall 24)#to 4 months later saying it would be sooner to then aug 18th saying it was gonna be a month #are now VERY much in the 'find out' stage of things and all i can do is laugh #good luck replacing nearly 50 years of experience between the three of us #with people we have repeatedly pointed out were not helping and were actually wrong about almost everything they touched #i feel like a weight has been lifted and it's not early enough for the 'learning a new thing' anxiety to set it yet #but that means i also am ready to sleep for a month now that things are gonna be less stressful #ANYWAY #gonna ask if i'm getting my yearly 3% raise just for all the shit they put me through the past few months

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nobodysuspectsthebutterfly · 3 months

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FYI artists and writers: some info regarding tumblr's new "third-party sharing" (aka selling your content to OpenAI and Midjourney)

You may have already seen the post by @staff regarding third-party sharing and how to opt out. You may have also already seen various news articles discussing the matter.

But here's a little further clarity re some questions I had, and you may too. Caveat: Not all of this is on official tumblr pages, so it's possible things may change.

(1) "I heard they already have access to my data and it doesn't really matter if I opt out"

From the 404 article:

A new FAQ section we reviewed is titled “What happens when you opt out?” states “If you opt out from the start, we will block crawlers from accessing your content by adding your site on a disallowed list. If you change your mind later, we also plan to update any partners about people who newly opt-out and ask that their content be removed from past sources and future training.”

So please, go click that opt-out button.

(2) Some future user: "I've been away from tumblr for months, and I just heard about all this. I didn't opt out before, so does it make a difference anymore?"

Another internal document shows that, on February 23, an employee asked in a staff-only thread, “Do we have assurances that if a user opts out of their data being shared with third parties that our existing data partners will be notified of such a change and remove their data?” Andrew Spittle, Automattic’s head of AI replied: “We will notify existing partners on a regular basis about anyone who's opted out since the last time we provided a list. I want this to be an ongoing process where we regularly advocate for past content to be excluded based on current preferences. We will ask that content be deleted and removed from any future training runs. I believe partners will honor this based on our conversations with them to this point. I don't think they gain much overall by retaining it.”

It should make a difference! Go click that button.

(3) "I opted out, but my art posts have been reblogged by so many people, and I don't know if they all opted out. What does that mean for my stuff?"

This answer is actually on the support page for the toggle:

This option will prevent your blog's content, even when reblogged, from being shared with our licensed network of content and research partners, including those that train AI models.

And some further clarification by the COO and a product manager:

zingring: A couple people from work have reached out to let me know that yes, it applies to reblogs of "don't scrape" content. If you opt out, your content is opted out, even in reblog form. cyle: yep, for reblogs, we're taking it so far as "if anybody in the reblog trail has opted out, all of the content in that reblog will be opted out", when a reblog could be scraped/shared.

So not only your reblogged posts, but anyone who contributed in a reblog (such as posts where someone has been inspired to draw fanart of the OP) will presumably be protected by your opt-out. (A good reason to opt out even if you yourself are not a creator.)

Furthermore, if you the OP were offline and didn't know about the opt-out, if someone contributed to a reblog and they are opted out, then your original work is also protected. (Which makes it very tempting to contribute "scrapeable content" now whenever I reblog from an abandoned/disused blog...)

(4) "What about deleted blogs? They can't opt out!"

I was told by someone (not official) that he read "deleted blogs are all opted-out by default". However, he didn't recall the source, and I can't find it, so I can't guarantee that info. If I get more details - like if/when tumblr puts up that FAQ as reported in the 404 article - I will add it here as soon as I can.

Edit, tumblr has updated their help page for the option to opt-out of third-party sharing! It now states:

The content which will not be shared with our licensed network of content and research partners, including those that train AI models, includes: • Posts and reblogs of posts from blogs who have enabled the "Prevent third-party sharing" option. • Posts and reblogs of posts from deleted blogs. • Posts and reblogs of posts from password-protected blogs. • Posts and reblogs of posts from explicit blogs. • Posts and reblogs of posts from suspended/deactivated blogs. • Private posts. • Drafts. • Messages. • Asks and submissions which have not been publicly posted. • Post+ subscriber-only posts. • Explicit posts.

So no need to worry about your old deleted blogs that still have reblogs floating around. *\o/*

But for your existing blogs, please use the opt out option. And a reminder of how to opt out, under the cut:

The opt-out toggle is in Blog Settings, and please note you need to do it for each one of your blogs / sideblogs.

On dashboard, the toggle is at https://www.tumblr.com/settings/blog/blogname [replace "blogname" as applicable] down by Visibility:

For mobile, you need the most recent update of the app. (Android version 33.4.1.100, iOs version 33.4.) Then go to your blog tab (the little person icon), and then the gear icon for Settings, then click Visibility.

Again, if you have a sideblog, go back to the blog tab, switch to it, and go to settings again. Repeat as necessary.

If you do not have access to the newest version of the app for whatever reason, you can also log into tumblr in your mobile browser. Same URL as per desktop above, same location.

Note you do not need to change settings in both desktop and the app, just one is fine.

I hope this helps!

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prezaki · 10 months

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One core trait of Phoenix Wright as a character that I rarely see discussed is how utterly evasive he is about his private affairs. It sticks out the most in AA4 when we see Phoenix from the outside, but "Phoenix won't tell anyone anything important unless he absolutely has to (and even then, he probably won't)" is by no means a new development for him.

From AA1 onwards, we see Phoenix dodge people's questions about his personal life time and time again. In part, this is by narrative necessity - Phoenix knows more than the player is meant to know in order to achieve the optimal tension curve. But AA takes his narrative shortcut and turns it into a real character beat.

Phoenix Wright is the most cagey fucker on the planet.

At the end of 1-1 Mia asks him how he came to befriend Larry and Phoenix dodges the question with a vague promise to tell her later - this also means that in all of his time working with Mia, he's never actually disclosed his full motivation for becoming a lawyer to her.

In 1-2, Maya asks him how he knows Edgeworth and he dodges, because of course he does. The same song and dance repeats at the end of 1-3. And despite Maya's repeated prodding by 1-4, Phoenix still has not told her a thing about his past. That's from October until December that Maya is left going ??? and her questions go nowhere.

Then, between AA1 and AA2, Edgeworth is presumed dead by suicide. Does Phoenix tell Maya about this? Absolutely not. He does not tell her in letters nor is he clear about it when they see each other again in person, months later.

What Maya gets once it's inevitable to talk is a vague 'he's gone' and no elaboration other than the request to not speak about him again.

This is Phoenix's default coping mechanism.

In AA3, there are numerous instances where he mentions forgetting Dahlia, not speaking her name again, etc. Edgeworth is 100% getting the 'person who hurt me too deeply to think about' treatment here.

But to not even tell Maya a vague overview on the matter, when Maya knew him too? Rough. And it just keeps going.

It's six months between telling Maya that Edgeworth is 'gone' in 2-2 and her finding out that 'gone' seemingly means' dead' in 2-3.

Maya complains about it, too. This isn't a matter of 'she never asked again', it's a matter of 'Phoenix is dodging all questions'. Gumshoe has to intervene in order for Maya to finally find out.

And finally in 3-5, does he tell anybody why he's going to Hazakura temple and why he seems interested in Iris? Absolutely not!

At this point we get Edgeworth openly acknowledging that Phoenix keeps his emotional cards extremely closely to the chest. When he states that he wants confirmation on whether or not he has met Iris before, this exchange happens:

Even as Edgeworth directly calls him out on being evasive and never actually speaking to people, all Phoenix can do is acknowledge that this is how he is by apologizing - but he won't change his ways.

AA4 Phoenix is really just a natural evolution of Trilogy Phoenix - Trilogy Phoenix is already evasive, already hates telling people about his struggles or accepting help... It's really no wonder that he'd isolate himself instead of reaching out once he gets disbarred.

#ace attorney #phoenix wright #ace attorney meta #is this a tag??? idk i am trying my best here

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genderqueerdykes · 3 months

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i got paired up with a new therapist who specializes in and works primarily with neurodivergent patients. i felt comfortable enough to tell her that i'm autistic. she asked if i've ever received a formal diagnosis- i said no, because i've attempted in the past and i've been turned down because i'm "too articulate," i "speak too well," and they see my feminine deadname and that i'm legally AFAB and dismiss me, because "women can't be autistic".

my therapist told me that self-diagnosis is valid.

as we continued to talk through that session, she readily pointed out several autistic behaviors that i had been displaying without even realizing; i began infodumping about queer history and psychology without even realizing it, which she pointed out and then remarked that those are definitely special interests of mine. i felt floored. i knew these things about myself, but she acknowledged them effortlessly without hesitation.

in the next session, she pointed out that my tendency to re-analyze social interactions well past the time that they are over is also an autistic trait, and that i wasn't ruminating anxiously, but rather that's just how many autistic people process- we "over" analyze things in ways that allistics do not. it's difficult for many of us to figure out the entirety of what's happening in the moment, we process over time.

after that, she told me that during our next session, she wanted to spend that appointment talking about my special interests so she could get a better picture of me- specifically using that wording, calling them special interests.

after years of trying and failing to get acknowledgement for my neurotype, all it took was one therapist who specializes in neurodivergence to see the signs. one. sometimes all it takes is one person to make the difference. don't give up if you think you are autistic and are struggling to get a diagnosis or just recognition for it. it doesn't mean you're wrong. the average allistic knows nothing about how autism actually presents itself, only what they know from media, memes and mean jokes. sometimes all it takes is meeting one person who knows what autism looks like.

don't give up. you know who you are.

#autism #actually autistic #autistic #autistic things #neurodivergence #neurodiversity #neuropunk #our writing #about us

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unclewaynemunson · 10 months

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It wasn't the first time Eddie woke up to an empty bed after having someone spend the night. But it for sure was the first time it caught him by surprise.

He had been pretty sure things were different, with Steve. There was a real, proper date before they ended up in Eddie's bed together, after all. They held hands, they cuddled, they did all the romantic shit that Eddie used to scoff at and skip right past, before he got to know Steve Harrington. It hadn't felt like it was just about the sex: there had been tender touches and sweet words and soft kisses, and falling asleep in each other's arms afterwards had felt more intimate than anything Eddie had ever experienced before. So it didn't make sense to wake up and see no trace of Steve. No note, not a single piece of evidence that Steve had been there, not even something as dumb as a forgotten sock. Nothing.

As he went through his morning ritual of coffee, cereal and cigarette, he felt confusion make place for anger. By the time he was dressed and looking at himself while brushing his teeth in front of the crappy old bathroom mirror, he wondered how he could ever have been stupid enough to think that Steve would stay. The realization that Steve had apparently only used him to get what he wanted and dropped the act as soon as that happened, made him feel gross. He spit out his toothpaste with way more force than necessary and jumped in his van to tell Steve exactly that Eddie wasn't the kind of guy who tolerated being toyed with like that.

-----

When Eddie barged into Family Video, Steve was standing at one of the shelves with a big pile of tapes in his arms, the store empty and quiet except for some movie playing on the big screen in the background.

He looked up at the sound of the bell, and actually had the audacity to smile a soft, almost tender smile when he saw Eddie coming in.

"Hey there."

And, well, that truly did it for Eddie.

"Hey there?!" he repeated in a loud, shrill voice. "Seriously, Steve? What the hell, man? You sneak out of my bed after making me think what we did actually meant something, and now you greet me with a "hey there" like nothing has even happened?!"

Steve frowned; he looked genuinely surprised. Seriously, had none of the dozens of girls he probably pulled this on ever told him off? Or were they all worth staying for, contrary to Eddie the Freak Munson?

"Wha- What do you mean, making you think it meant something?" Steve stuttered. "It meant something. At least," he shrugged lightly and his cheeks colored into a light shade of pink, "to me it did."

For obvious reasons, Eddie found that a little bit hard to believe.

"Then why the hell did you sneak away at the crack of dawn like it was just some goddamn one-night stand?!"

Steve stared at him for a couple of seconds, his mouth falling open. Eddie had seen him look confused plenty of times before, but never like this - like he was missing something huge.

"I - I was allowed to stay?" Steve finally uttered. And it sounded so genuine, so small, so lost... All Eddie's anger easily got knocked out of him with that one question.

"You thought you weren't allowed to stay?" he asked, in a much softer voice this time.

Steve shrugged, suddenly avoiding Eddie's gaze.

"Yeah, I mean... I just assumed..." He swallowed visibly, seemingly searching for words. Finally, he fixed his eyes back on Eddie's face. "You actually wanted me to stay?" It sounded equal parts confused as hopeful, and the look in his brown eyes was so soft and innocent that it almost broke something inside of Eddie.

"Why the hell did you think I wouldn't?"

"I dunno, I just thought..." He looked away again, to a point just behind Eddie's shoulder as he continued, "Whenever a girl would come to my place, they'd always leave right after we finished. Or when I'd come to theirs, they'd have me leave through the window before their parents would notice. Some of them wanted to cuddle for a bit afterwards, but not, like, the whole night, y'know."

"Fuck, Stevie... I -" Eddie could barely believe what Steve was saying; it truly blew his mind that there were so many people who could have Steve Harrington in their bed and not want to keep him there forever. It made him furious - not at Steve, obviously, but at those girls who had made this perfect boy believe that he wasn't the kind of person people would want to keep around for what came after the sex.

"Falling asleep with you last night... That was the best thing that ever happened to me," he told Steve. It felt vulnerable, to say it out loud, but he knew he had to get it all out in the open. "I mean, don't get me wrong, the things we got up to before falling asleep were also pretty damn mind-blowing..." He couldn't help but chuckle. "But of course I wanted you to stay. I thought that would speak for itself."

"Oh," was the only thing Steve said, just blankly staring at Eddie for a couple of seconds. Then, his eyes widened as Eddie's words finally seemed to sink in. "Shit, Eddie, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to -"

"It's okay," Eddie cut him off. "Can you uh," he nodded towards the video tapes in Steve's hands, "Put those away, please?"

Steve placed the pile on the shelf behind him and Eddie immediately launched himself into his arms, pulling him as close as humanly possible without crushing his bones.

With a surprised Oomph! Steve took a few stumbling steps backwards before he caught his balance again, and hugged Eddie back just as tight.

"I'm really sorry, I messed up," he said, his mouth close to Eddie's ear. "I had no idea. If I had known, I would never have left, seriously. I would've called in sick and made you pancakes, and I would've stayed with you in bed all day."

"It's okay," Eddie repeated. "I mean, it's frankly ridiculous that you'd assume I wouldn't want you around every single fucking morning from now on, but -"

"So can I make it up to you tonight?" Steve interrupted him, an eager undertone to his question. "Or actually tomorrow morning, I guess?"

Eddie leaned back slightly to see Steve's face. He was hesitantly smiling at him, and Eddie gave him a beaming smile in return. Then, he leapt forward again to press an impetuous kiss against Steve's lips.

"How 'bout you make it up to me every day from now on, big boy?"

"I dunno, making you pancakes every day from now on is a bit much, don't you think?"

Eddie laughed. "Then the deal's off, sorry."

"What if we take turns?"

He pretended to think for a moment. "Alright, I think I can live with that," he finally concluded, letting Steve pull him closer again to steal another kiss. And as long as he could taste Steve's lips, he couldn't care less about pancakes.

#look i know we all go crazy for the trope of steddie waking up and being surprised the other is still there #or one of them waking up to an empty bed only to find the other in the kitchen making breakfast #but have something a lil more painful instead i guess #don't mind me rambling about stranger things #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #fruity ficlet

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celibibratty · 1 year

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(sigh), yesterday was the day, the day that changed everything, the day I saw that damn story, whenever December 23th arrives I always think about that, i will talk about this day cuz i think It's important for me to talk about this💨, I even remember the clothes I was wearing that day, I was wearing a blue tank top with flowery purple short, it was 2019, I was in the bedroom and it was almost night, I was watching this ao3, checking to see if there was any new sean x daniel story, and I updated the page and with that a new fanfic appeared (which was this damn story), I looked at the tags and saw that the story was happening in blood brothers and there was something to do with rape/abuse, I thought "hmn, this must be just another story of Sean acting like a freak (and I also i used read all of the stories,so)", I put it on, the story had started with the first red flag, which it was the fact that the person put the homies from ep 3 (cough, cough cassidy) in it and made daniel being supeer okay with that 💢🔥, and i get super pissed because in the story the person put that daniel was jealous of finn stealing sean from him tho in the game daniel is jealous of sean WITH CASSIDY NOT WITH FINN!!!💢🔥(and in the story there was cassidy in the middle), i thought it was so stupid, but keep reading, well, then we got to the shocking part, I got to the part that is close when things...start happening, and I realized that daniel had some weird dialogues and a very strange way for being the victim, I just remember that I felt a pain in my stomach, a bad feeling and thought "wait!?, is daniel who going to do this to sean?, no, no, it can't be, it can't be that", then I went down and I got to the naughty parts, I realized it was really Daniel and I thought "yeah, it is", I was so shocked, so disgusted, it never crossed my mind to invent Daniel doing this to Sean, I never pictured Daniel that way (he was my bratty💧, the sassy pretty kid💧), i never thought of daniel like that with sean, i didn't imagine them like that even in redemption (even daniel being more masculine), imagine then in bb, never!, I got super anxious, I started to shake, my breathing was so labored, I couldn't even breathe, but my mind forced me to keep reading until I finished, because I thought that if I kept reading, if I endured it maybe it would hurt less...

(it's almost like I knew that from now on this version of their pair would be more frequent, so i should get used to it, a-and I didn't wanted to sound boring, or different, I don't understand why I thought that way, I don't care what others think, but at the time I remember that I didn't wanted to be different, i didn't wanted to be the only one), I felt like snow white in the scene with the trees, I had finished reading, totally devastated and a bit numb, I saw that there were some comments, I wanted to see even for maliciousness, i wanted to see if someone was complaining about this shit, but no, and to my surprise every single person that i knew that were the ones that "enjoyed" sean x daniel was praising it, i felt (sigh) so betrayed, the comments people saying things like "possessive daniel is so hot", " oh, daniel topping sean is such a concerpt that should be more explore" and I was like "no, what do you mean?, daniel is not like that, I thought you liked it them together because it was cute💧", I felt horrified, it was everyone, I remember throwing the phone on the bed in horror, then I got up and went to do my tasks to reflect a little, before I talk about this part I need to talk about another situation/fanfic that have a great influence on that day, but sometimes I forget about it (well, before this damn fanfic appeared, the most recent and famous story was a story that had a kinda of lolita vibe, that's what I call this story, the lolita story vibe, this fanfic was also one that had/has a kinda of heavy/nonsense vibe, but I had read it and thought it was okay, I even kinda of...liked it at the time💨, but then one day someone made a comment saying that they didn't like the story very much, because they thought sean didn't seem like sean, he was very pervert and that the story had a kind of strange vibe, very heavy, and the person didn't like it very much, I was so ashamed, I hadn't thought like that, I thought it was okay, I got like "yeah, y-you are right, this story is do weird💧💨"...

continuing, I remember cleaning the cats' potty and mentally saying "I hated this story, I thought it was disgusting, horrible, I want the person who invented it to suffer, I thought it was horrible" but then another voice appeared saying "no ana, don't say that, it's not cool to talk like that about other people's work, the person probably worked hard on it, the story was huge), but I thought "i don't care, I thought it was nasty, I hated it, that was horrible", and then the other voice said "oh, ana, but the lolita story was also horrible, and YOU liked it!, you don't have the right to complain, if you liked that one, now you'll have to like this one too" (it seemed like a dispute between my mind and my heart), I felt so bad, I wanted to take it away from me, but I couldn't open up to anyone, I was thinking about marina, what was I going to say to her?💧, I didn't wanted her to see these dolls like that, I didn't wanted that she sees them like that now too, I didn't wanted her to remain like me, I think it's horrible, but I swear I would give this story a kudo even though I hated it and it made me feel so sick, but it was because I thought that maybe giving a kudo I would feel less bad for having hated it, I finished doing what I had to do, I went to the bedroom and when I updated the page of this ao3 the story was gone, it gone in the same day(it seems like it only appeared to mess with my head cuz it gone right after it), the story had been deleted (and thank god it was gone, i swear i would have given a kudo if it hadn't and i would never-forgive-myself-for-it), i got so relieved, i even felt...happy, but what had it done to me , it was done, even relieved, I still felt strange, I felt that I had lost something, and I say, I feel that on that day I lost my love for these dolls, after that it was never the same, tbh i feel like i lost everything, everything that meant to me (my love for this dolls, my confidence, my stability, a-and my creativity)

#I wronged the day actually it was 23th😤 it has a reason for me get to remember the exactly day that this happened...#But i don't like to talk about it #Ngl i cried a little while writing this #This day/fanfic mess too much with my head #I think its horrible so i hidded this fanfic/day from marina for 3 MONTHS!? I only reveald this day/fanfic to her on february of 2020 #Cuz it was on february of 2020 that i think this story came back💧and i didn't take it i had an anxiety attack and i opened up about it #I mean i think she already know/sensed that i saw something that got me shocked but i think didn't told her how it was the story #So that's it that it is the damn day the damn fanfic that haunts me till these days #It's funny whenever i remember that day i-i feel scared (a react as if i afraid of something) my body starts to shake #I start to move my head away like i don't want to look at it as if i'm reviving the day's emotions cuz i react exactly like that in the day #Wait wait so that means that the day that i had a strong rage outburst was the real day that i saw this story (december 23) that's weird #just like marina said one day god damnit we do blood brothers to get away from these pests💢🔥(ep3 homies)...#to get there the nobodies invent them in the middle of it😒💢#Remember these things makes me question why do i still manage to like this crap (idk if i should feel impressed or sad)#My memory with this l0lita fanfic is kinda distorcid i remember i didn't liked - liked it had some things i found kinda bullshit...#I think something to do with episode 3 i don't remember but it had something to do with ep 3 that i didn't liked #this l0lita vibe fanfic is one story that i always forget about it (sigh) i guess its cuz of the guilty i felt ashamed/dirty for liking it #But i feel bad for ana from the past cuz i reread the story and i understand why she liked/accpted it i don't think i should blame...#Myself for that or feel guilty💧and honestly i think i only endured this fanfic cuz my interpretation of it it's kinda interesting😒#Reflection

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