#well he also has ocd so his guilt is immense

[pathologising]

trying to kill the catholic in my bfs head bc that shit makes him feel guilty for no reason and I can't have my beloved ruminating

[starry-skies-116]

Damn, I gave this singular kid a helluva lot of trauma, didn´t I? By no means am I qualified to be a psychologist, but goddamn- you don´t need to be one to see that I made Gregory/Evan messed UP.

Let´s start off with the basics:

First, my dude has C-PTSD that torments him throughout the ENTIRE game throughout the events of Security Breach. This offshoots directly into a persecution and inferiority complex that nurtures extreme anxiety, self-hatred and paranoia (stemming from the abuse of his father plus his other traumas but- I get ahead of myself).

Then, Evan suffers from symptoms of psychosis in his first life, then again in dreams as Gregory when he´s beginning to regain consciousness and sentience later on. 

Regaining his memories of his past life results in him developing survivor´s guilt to the degree where it´s like he´s a genocide survivor, when in reality, he´s aware his whole entire family died after he did. Gregory´s entire world was ripped away from him at the ripe age of ten, and as a result, he becomes over-attached to the people he loves and never takes their rejection well. Like, at all. He also grows obsessive, hypervigilant and protective over those he considers his family, nigh-worshipping them and considering restoring his past life, his identity and his family so he can heal his suffering and lead a proper life- his only reason for existing.

There´s also a small degree of potential for OCD, since he has strange habits- vocal tics when startled, unwanted and wantonly violent thought processes, rubbing his thumb against his index finger and doing barely noticeable motor exercises when restless- but where it starts treading into disturbing territory is when he keeps a post-it-note drawing of his family, more notably his siblings, in their house. Every so often when he takes it out, he just HAS to obsessively cradle it and kiss it.

Oh, look, another sign this dude isn´t okay.

Then, there´s Gregory´s blatant disregard, hatred, heavy distrust and malintent towards those who wish to hurt him- and sometimes, those whom he expresses hostility towards is also an entirely arbitrary decision, which is why it´s so hard to win his trust: one wrong move and you´re going to find a go-kart being yeeted at mach 10 directly towards your face. This suppressed and festering hatred results in brusque and unfiltered apathy towards non-family and non-friends individuals, resulting in him holding them in extremely low regard, seeing them in a villainous light and heavily antagonizing them, regarding them as mere obstacles or enemies that block him from his goal, his dream.

Oh, yeah, speaking of his goals- did I mention that one large reason that he has such an idealistic mindset, such strong love towards those he trusts, and such dedication and unfaltering willpower and spirit is because he worships and unhealthily obsesses over those goals to the point where it´s his only reason to live at all? 

Due to Gregory´s immense tragedy and loss, he literally exalts his family on a pedestal and prioritizes his and their life above everything else. He loves, adores, worships them, even- possesses such deep affections for them that it could be considered creepy, so much so that he´s cold, cruel and ruthless to anything that he sees as a threat to him or them.

Couple that with how he basically was asleep for 57 years and develops undiagnosed insomnia and somniphobia, and can only sleep in Freddy´s presence? AND how he had somniphobia before in his past life?

Hmmm… what else? Oh, yeah: 

He turns feral and near-draconic in direct confrontations, bursting into hysterics and scream-crying at anyone who tries to yell at him or threaten him or strip him of his power and control over his life. 

He blames himself for being weak and powerless or emotionally vulnerable as a result of his brother and his friends bullying him. 

He literally throws himself into his ¨work¨ and blinds himself with false hope and flimsy self-reassurances to dissociate from his negative feelings and direct root of his trauma. 

He basically loses his reason to live whenever he argues with his brother as Freddy (the only person he loves and trusts), and cries and grieves for hours on end in hysterics like a madman in his emotional meltdown and overwhelming guilt.

He expresses rage and destructive, nigh-homicidal tendencies when things don´t go his way, especially when he worked so hard to alter the circumstances into his favor.

Couple that with severe touch-starvation and empty-nest syndrome, and how he basically had to LITERALLY starve and live off of a disgusting, meager diet of two candies and a bottle of Fizzy Faz per every two days when he was lucky enough to find food and water, and because of the nature of his creation, the stimulated needs are perpetual with no way to turn them off unless they´re fulfilled.

So there he sits. Confused. Scared. Hungry. Cold. Alone.

I could go on.

Oh, and also, he has a MASSIVE sweet tooth. Which means he relies on and is addicted to material things to grant him temporary happiness- food, items and people to tether him to what he treasures and loves, which means, even more depressing- he can’t find a home and inner peace within himself. He hungers to be loved and accepted by others, and finds happiness in the frivolities of life like puppies and chocolate cake because he is stuck in that childish mentality that he can't live with himself or love himself. He can't accept himself.

Someone PLEASE take care of this kid and get him some therapy. Por favor.

He needs it. In case you couldn't tell already.

Oh, and I feel the need to mention: he was ten by the time he died, and he's still only ten (chronologically 67 but does it fucking matter anymore?).

[the-marvel-imagines-blog]

Depression and Anxiety

Hello, my beautiful followers!

This post is going to be something different than what I usually post. This isn’t a chapter of Madness or a random ficlet/imagine. I just want to open up about what’s going on in my life at this exact moment, something that has plagued this blog a lot since its birth.

***IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO TALKS OF SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, OR ANXIETY, PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER***

***If you are struggling, there are always people who are willing to help. Reach out, find a hand, grab on, and hold tight. You are needed. You are worthy. You are enough. ***

***If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. The Lifeline is available for everyone. It’s free, and it’s confidential. You can call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or chat with them online here.***

I live with major depressive disorder and panic disorder that also morphs into bouts of OCD. Throughout my life, I’ve been treated by various therapists/psychiatrists/doctors, received medication (which never seemed to work), been to therapy, spent time in inpatient care, and spent time in the hospital in connection to my depression and anxiety, which have-in the past-led to attempted suicide and suicidal thoughts. My anxiety and depression feed off of each other at this point in my life. I look at them as a co-dependent couple.

When I’m depressed, my anxiety is sitting in the background with a little voice saying, “people can see you’re depressed! You should hide it! No one likes a debby downer. Be happier. If you don’t play your role as the funny one, people won’t want to be around you.” It progresses from there, and they begin to work in tandem with one another. If I don’t hear from a friend for a day (which is totally normal in my friendships), the anxiety tells me that they probably left me, while the depression tells me that it would be for the better because everyone leaves at some point, right? Those aren’t “normal” thoughts for me most of the time, but depression kicks my ass. I struggle with the anxiety building up the depression...until the depression starts to give way to the anxiety.

When the anxiety hits, it hits hard. I have panic attacks, and it leads to me secluding myself in my house for days on end. I’ve called out of work before because I can’t bear to leave for fear of having another panic attack. It’s embarrassing to have one of those in public, especially at your job. Quick story: my anxiety had started to diminish, and I was heading back into what I call “Eden” which is just the state of being “normal” (for lack of a better word).

Let me say this before I continue: I understand that “Eden” has a religious context, but I was raised Catholic and left the church at a young age (14ish) when I was told (at my church) that “the gays are going to hell.” I understand that not all Catholic churches preach hate, but mine did at the time. As a queer woman, that didn’t support my beliefs, so I left, but that’s an entirely different story. Eden was still, in my mind, a place of peace and tranquility, a place I dreamed of when I was younger. When I was scared as a child, I would try to picture what the Garden of Eden would look like, and it helped calm me. I just wanted to put great stress on the fact that my choice of words for my “normal state” is in no way pushing religion onto anyone. It’s just what I named it.

Anyway, I was on my way out of my anxiety, thinking that it was just about packed away. I hadn’t experienced a panic attack for two or three days at that point, so I was hoping there wouldn’t be anymore of them at all. When I got to work, I clocked in and within 45 minutes, the man who had been sexually harassing and threatening me (he’d often threaten to follow me home and do whatever he wanted with me) came into the store. This man was well known for being a drug addict and an alcoholic, but he made me feel wildly unsafe even when I was far away from work at my own home. He did his usual rambling and made eyes at my chest over and over again, asking for cigarettes and whatnot. In the meantime, I had called my supervisor up to the front to have him deal with the situation. By the time he got there, though, the man noticed and walked out. Still, he had made the same variety of threats he always did, and it sent me over the edge.

I ran to the bathroom, a complete mess. I was sobbing, shaking, and I nearly fainted because my panic attack was causing me to hyperventilate. I cried so hard I had to use the toilet to vomit (probably TMI, but I want to be super real with y’all). I’m a strong person. I’ve been through the wringer time and time again from my mom’s suicide when I was 14 (which I feel an immense guilt over) to the death of my very best friend. We all have our stuff, every single one of us, and these are mine. When my panic attack had subsided, my boss suggested I go home and take it easy for the rest of the day. It was the most embarrassing situation I’d ever experienced because this panic attack happened at my place of work, and my coworkers witnessed part of it. I could barely show my face after that, and my depression started to feed the anxiety. The depression said, “you’re too damaged. No one likes damaged goods. You might as well not be around. You’re a waste of air. This is just a sad existence. Why try? Give up.”

This is just an insight into my life. Recently, I woke up, and I knew it was going to be one of those days. I had a pretty severe panic attack the night before, but I woke up with high anxiety at around 2:30 am. I knew at that moment that it would lead into a depressive episode, and I can never tell how long the episodes will last. I started to have a complete meltdown. I wouldn’t normally wake up around that time, but I did. I drove out to the middle of town and sat in my car until it was light out. I watched passing cars, stared out the window, looked up at the stars, and thought about my own existence. For hours, I was the human embodiment of the Dial-Up internet sound or TV static.

I have a history with self mutilation, which I hate talking about even with my therapist. It brings up the “hot shame” feeling. It’s an activity I haven’t partook in for years (since I watched my grandfather cry when he found out about it) and had no real interest in it since then. For years, those thoughts haven’t really crossed my mind...until that morning. In a desperate attempt to pull myself out of that mindset, I started to partake in other destructive behaviors that I won’t get into detail about here because I NEVER want to endorse these activities. I wanted to feel something else-anything else-and distance myself from potentially hurting myself, so I did.

***I want to make it very clear that these are not activities that are life-threatening (hard drugs, self mutilation, breaking laws, etc.). I want that to be very, very, very clear.***

Because I haven’t taken part in these activities for a long time, it’s hard to remember how to pull myself out of this all-too-familiar rut. I’ve been isolating myself from my friends, hoping that by hunkering down and riding it out, I’ll be able to come out of this episode quickly.

I just wanted to give some clarity as to why I’ve been “absent” on this blog, why I haven’t been posting as often as I would like to be, and why I haven’t been as active as I should be. I hope you’re able to understand why this blog may seem “lifeless” at some points, but I have a lot of ideas as to how I can bring my creativity back to life and maybe breathe life back into this blog that I love so much. Writing is my main creative outlet, and being able to share my creations has given me so much joy.

I cannot explain how phenomenal y’all are for sticking around and staying with me for this long. To those of you who have reached out and have spent time talking to me, fangirling with me, encouraging me, hearing me, more times than one, you’ve pulled me away from a ledge, even if you didn’t know it. I am forever thankful for what you’ve given to me, and I could never thank you enough for that.

With all the love in my heart,

Me.

[the-dancing-fairy]

So in honor of the Fruits Basket reboot who would you say are your fave Furuba characters and ships (canon) and why? Least fave Furuba characters and canon ships and why?

Hi hi ＼(＾▽＾*) Thank you so much for asking! and ho boy, here we go... Many spoilers abound, y'all have been warned. Also, these are in no particular order. 

faves:

Kyo/Tohru: I don’t know how you can’t love these two. The growth they bring out in one another is immense, and seeing both of them go through so much pain throughout the course of the series but find comfort and healing in each other is so impactful. I could talk about their dynamic and love for each other for days. 

Momiji: Momiji has a kind of selflessness we don’t really see in any of the other characters of the story. Lot’s of others are motivated by making the lives of their loved ones better, but Momiji I think is willing to give up the most and sacrifice his own happiness the most. He’s also more motivated by familial love, which is a nice contrast to the other characters. Additionally, despite his childish appearance, he offers some of the best wisdom the series has to offer. He’s a very emotionally intelligent and grounded character, and I love that about him.  

Kyo: This poor boy has been through so much and I just want to protect him. When I reread the manga recently I was struck by all the cute details we get about child Kyo, (he doesn’t like having similar names to people, he often stands and watch’s Shishou from afar when he has a difficult question to ask) and all those little quirks make him feel like such a real child, which makes the neglect he faces really hit home. Takaya-san did a masterful job with his arch in connecting his trauma from his parents to his experience as the cat to his guilt/anguish over Kyoko. Watching him heal from all that is one of the most fulfilling parts of the series for me every time.  

Yuki/Machi: these two are so good together. I love their teasing and how they silently act to ease each other’s anxieties as they come to understand each other more. Machi’s ability to see Yuki’s imperfections and loneliness hits something deep in my heart. They make me happy. 

MACHI KURAGI: Listen. Machi has OCD. She has an obsessive and compulsive need to destroy anything too neat or perfect, because the standard of perfection she was held to as a child is oppressive and she can’t stand seeing physical manifestations of it in the world around her. As someone who deals with similar issues, her story always hits home for me.

Haru/Rin: I would die for these two. I would do it. For all I love the rest of the couples here, I think I have to say Haru and Rin are my favorite. These two are both rather hard on the outside, but so soft for each other and I’m weak for that dynamic. I also think they subvert gender expectations in a way I find really compelling. Normally when we see the “I’m distancing myself from you for your own protection because you’re just so good” type behavior, its from a man. Seeing Rin’s desperation to protect Haru inverts that, which I appreciate. But it’s also accomplished without emasculating Haru in anyway, which I also appreciate. I’m not going to put them on this list individually since it’s already really long, but they’re both definitely among my favorite characters in the series. 

Kisa: I’m soft for Kisa because she reminds me of me as a kid. Also she’s literally the cutest. I will never get over her following around Tohru while she does chores. 

un-favs: 

So generally speaking I don’t particularly mind most of the characters and ships in the series. I think part of this is because even characters I don’t like are well developed and important enough to the story that I want them to be there even if I’m not crazy about them... but there are still those I’m not crazy about. 

Ren: Ren is super important to the story because she’s one of the main drivers of Akito’s initial turn towards cruelty and manipulation. She’s vital to the story, but she feels pretty shallow, with her biggest trait being obsessive delusion. She feels hollow, and in a story so full of rich and complex characters, that’s a bit of a let down.

Katsuya(/Kyoko): I think Katsuya suffers as a character because we only see him in Kyo’s flashbacks of Kyoko’s stories. Those 2 degrees of removal make him feel very... removed (lol). He comes across as rather selfish, and kind of reminds me a lot of Shigure, but whereas we get to see Shigure’s motivations, we don’t really get Katsuya’s. He feels much more flat than most of the other character’s in the story as a result. His interest in Kyoko when she was so young is also super creepy to me. It feels like he mostly helped her to help himself. Because he’s so icky and flat, he feels replaceable in a way no other character in the story does. Like, it could have been someone else who spurred Kyoko’s growth and became her partner, and he didn’t have to be so much older and icky.  

Uo/Kureno: I actually like most of their dynamic, but the age gap is still *cringe*. I also feel like the two of them individually have a lot of development, but we don’t really get much development for them as a couple. Like Uo and Tohru are a big part of Kureno’s ark in terms of him finally realizing he can and in fact should do things for himself rather than just living for Akito, but this is more played out in his interactions with Tohru than with Uo. They really only interact 4 or 5 times before Uo decides to basically run away with him, which just kind of left me like ??? I love them both a lot, and it does ~mostly~ makes sense for them to be together, I just wish their partnership got more development. Also, that age gap cringe is real. 

So there we go! I hope you were able to slog through that anonnie, I know it got really long , but Fruba has the most feels （；￣д￣）I hope you enjoy my thoughts none-the-less! 

[neospacenerds]

Notes on AU!Roman

Reversed Background

Almost everything about Roman’s home planet is explained in this post, though I've come up with a few amendments since them. Mainly regarding the name which is now KXT-49. But here are some additional notes.

- His family has weird hair and eye colors because at some point they volunteered as test subjects for cosmetic gene modification to make some extra money. It’s one of the many things that people can do on these corporation  owned planets to earn extra cash.

- Was discovered to be an abnormally fast learner from a really early age, but that didn’t amount to anything seeing as hello, their lives are still pretty much corporate collateral.

- Access to reading materials is very sparse on his planet and internet access was limited, so anything he could read he would tear through repeatedly. He never attended an official school. Like most of the kids on the planet, the only education they got was from teachers from a voluntary organization coming over to give them lessons, which is how his sister-in-law Clairesse got involved in his life.

- Clairesse played a big role in cultivating his interest in learning, especially in science and math. Her being able to come and go from the planet as she wished allowed her to bring back lots of reading materials and learning aids that helped him immensely.

- His big break came when he got intergalactic attention for discovering a huge flaw in a prominent scientific theory that basically changed the foundations of modern science (I often joke that it’s Einsteins theory of relativity but I might actually have to research on this one)

- That’s basically how he earned a full scholarship to NEMI under the  Technological & Systems and Support majors from one of the biggest names in R&D in the galaxy (possibly Nabaal, we’ll have to see when i start developing my concepts for the AU!Hyperion Collective).

- He’s got a very simple goal; make cutting edge breakthroughs in tech development that’ll earn him enough money to buy his family out of indentured labor.

- Naturally he’s practically guaranteed to end up in for Alpha in this universe, primarily because he doesn't have the glaring personality flaws his canon self possesses.

Personality

- My basis for his personality was basically what Roman would be like if he didn’t turn out to be so very jaded and cynical about everything. AU! Roman is intelligent, but more importantly he’s obviously constantly curious and isn’t reserved about it. He know’s he’s smarter than most but he doesn't rub that in everyone else faces. He’s not at all reserved when it comes to asking questions, and when he really hooks on to a topic those questions can get rapid fire and intense as all hell.

- He has an almost scary desire to improve himself and is always working on something. Doesn't matter if he’s reading, doing homework, learning some new skill or going ham in the workshop, it’s as if he constantly needs to be working somehow. A lot of that compulsion probably comes from the fact that he thinks he missed out on so much time to do so much while he was just a farm boy on his home planet. Now he feels that he needs to make up for that, not to mention the fact that his family’s basically relying on him to get them out of hell. No pressure.

- You know that one Hamilton song? Why do you write like you’re running out of time? That’s him. Part of him feels like this whole experience is a dream from which he might wake up from at any time, which is why he’s got to make the best use of it while he can.

- One thing he retains about his canon personality is how organized he is. In addition he’s very frugal and doesn't waste anything. Does everything to maximum effectiveness, which might come off as OCD a lot of the time.

- He’s definitely a lot more genuine. Oh yes he’s got no qualms about being open about his feelings. One might say he really took after his mother on this one. It might take awhile for him to ease into it though, since back home he’s very used to repressing his emotions just to make things easier on those around him. But once he gets used to the idea that he’s in an environment where he doesn't have to do that, oh boy are we going to have a fun time.

- I feel like he would also retain some of his manipulative edge. Not a lot of it, just enough to show that he’s self-aware about his motivations. He knows he’s there for a purpose and that’s to get rich. Anything that brings him a step closer to that goal, he’ll do in a heartbeat. Contrary to his canon self, he’d probably be very contentious about making friendly relationships, especially with others who could prove useful in the future. He especially would target individuals that’re well off, which I think at some point will lead to him befriending the wrong people (ie. AU!Aoife, if my ideas for her pan out, nudge nudge wink wink). Realizing where his morals stand in comparison to his ambitions is probably going to become a definitive struggle for him.

- He is very shrewd when it comes to making money and takes up any opportunity he can find. He will do a lot of things for money, even if they border on morally gray or take advantage of legal loopholes. Though he probably wouldn’t commit a crime. I’ve actually envisioned him plotting some sort of scam type scheme with Day to steal from the rich and give to the poor (himself) which might be a whole episode i’ll write about later.

- He tries not to lie, though he can and will twist/omit the truth. He definitely feels guilt about his ulterior motives but tells himself it's all for a good cause.

- He’s probably going to start as someone who avoids conflict and takes insults rather than fighting back since I imagine that’s the kind of treatment he’s endured back on his home planet. He’s also diplomatic rather than confrontational in nature. However he’s probably going to develop with time from being calculatingly passive to actually being able to stand up for himself. There’ll come a breaking point where someone pushes him a little too far and he snaps, giving rise to him easing into the iconic sassmaster9000 that he was meant to be.

- He might fight some people, though he’d probably since he's a scrawny farm boy with minimal combat training.

- I feel like he keeps trying to do ridiculous experimental stuff going out of his way to try to break the law of physics. Everyone else is just like Roman stop why can’t you give us regular exosuit upgrades like everyone else and he’s just like NORMAL ISN’T GOING TO MAKE ME RICH. He especially wants to build a portable temporal flux device ie. mini time travel machine. Imagine someone being able to zip about through time like tracer.

- He really likes animals. REALLY likes them. I swear he will befriend any animal in existence.

Family

- His family structure is essentially the same as canon, two half brothers, father, mother. Only difference being that his mom’s actually still alive in this one.

- His brother’s mother, Elizabeth was the sister of his mother, Victoria. She fell ill and died, leaving Victoria to take care of her young nephews. Somewhere along the line Frederick and Victoria fell in love and they got married and tada, Roman was born.

- Roman has a lot of respect for his parents, both of whom are ridiculously hardworking. They tried their best to keep the children away from hard work for as long as they could so it wouldn’t stunt their growth or affect their health, but it took a heavy toll on them. Frederick’s health has been poor over the past few years, and while Victoria’s determination to raise her children has prevented her from falling into the same pit of despair she did in canon, she can get really emotionally unstable, hysterical and is always stressed about making ends meet.

- Roman got a lot of his diplomatic personality from dealing with his mother who overreacts to things a lot. It’s an unspoken rule in their household that he’s pretty much the only one who really knows how to handle her when she’s like that.

- His oldest brother Alexander follows closely in their father’s footsteps. He is happily married to Clairesse and they're about to have their first child. Roman is really to Clairesse, She’s practically the sister she never had and they act like they’ve been siblings forever.

- His brother Caesar is the troublemaker in the family. To everyone’s dismay he’s constantly getting into trouble gambling, drinking and being an unscrupulous womanizer. He's been chased out of the house with a broom more times than anyone can count. He constantly tries to mooch money off his younger brother, and though Roman never gives him any he sneaks food out so Caesar doesn't go hungry. It feels a lot like he’s the older brother whenever he as to give Caesar a lecture about not being a fucking dumbass.