#well. sometimes you fix the trauma and sometimes you make it work for you that’s all I’m saying

[lesbianaelwen]

“camaraderie in the toxicity” REAL

[pandoratheprocrasticreator]

Oh god now that toh ends with luz being able to travel between worlds ppl are using that to dunk on amphibia. And now that belos died ppl are using that to dunk on su.

They are different shows people! They have different themes! Amphibia is a classic take on isekai as escapism! Marcy went to amphibia to avoid her real life and while she had fun she didnt mature until after she accepted she needed to embrace change in her life! Anne matured in amphibia bc she always recognized that she has her own life to get back to! Sasha matured after realizing that too! Leaving amphibia for good means to embrace the step out of childhood! Something thats inevitable for everyone!

The owl house is about finding a community in midst of ostracization! Luz stayed in the boiling isles because she found people who accepted her quirks! The boiling isles was in danger from a bigot and luz helps her new community defeat him! Its a very queer story! Community is the center of the story so it makes sense for luz to be able to go back to the boiling isles since shes maintaining her place in the community!

Steven universe is about choosing to be kind! Its that everyone has their own specific traumas that they can overcome with the right support! Its about surviving in a world of bigots at any cost, even if it you have to work with the bigots to carve out a space for the people you love! Because people like you exist and theres nothing anyone in power can do about it! Its also a very queer story! The diamonds can never stamp out the off colors because they will always be there! Steven works with the diamonds not because he likes them but because they can improve the world for his family if only he could get through to them! Hes rewarded for choosing to be kind with success because the theme of the show is hope! Hope that anyone can change! But even though the diamonds stop being fascist steven still doesnt like them because its not about forgiveness! Its about fixing things! Stevens just polite about it!

The owl house starts off with the assumption that everyone can change but its not about the potential its about the willingness to change! The focus is on belos, whos had every chance to turn his life around but will never admit that hes wrong! And the show posits that if someone isnt willing to change theyre not worth helping! Its not about whether or not the character is fascist its about if theyre willing to stop being fascist! Several characters stop being fascist and are welcomed by the characters with open arms belos just wasnt one of them! Several characters clean up their acts but dont adequately address the previous harm they did and are STILL fully forgiven eventually! For toh forgiveness is paired with fixing things you just need to give it time!

And theres an argument that some of these shows didnt do their themes well. If you wanted to portray amphibia as an escapism world that the girls need to leave behind to get to their richer futures then having them get such caring found families go against that by giving them a potential of a good life in the isekai world. Steven universe uses the diamonds as metaphors for mental illness and relationships but its hard to stick with that when you also need to consider the countless other gems they hurt. I think its also fair if people prefer one theme over another.

But a lot of stuff i see comparing these shows just go over surface similarities? Like oh shit! These two shows have the same character archetypes! They have the same inciting incident! This must mean that theyre exactly the same in everything but names and artstyle and are trying to say the exact same things! Like. No. Sometimes,,,,,two stories,,,,,,can talk about two different things,,,,,,,

[cozage]

Zoro, Luffy, Sanji, Law, and Ace with a fem slave S/O with lots of scars, injuries, and more. She’s so sweet and quiet and great at cleaning and cooking and sewing and practically their future housewife on deck!

A/N: Thank you Anon :) You gave me something I didn’t know I needed. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Characters: F! reader x Zoro, Luffy, Sanji, Law, Ace

Cw: lots of PTSD, trauma response, angst, scars, injuries, etc. 

Total word count: 1.5k

A New Home

Zoro

He always announces his presence when he enters a room. There was one time he didn’t announce it when he came into a room and it scared you so bad you started crying. Never again.

He likes to just sit in the silence with you while you work. Sometimes he watches you, but most of the time he naps. He loves that you don’t mind the quiet space, that he can come to you for a moment of solitude. 

He never asks you to fix his torn shirts. He doesn’t feel right asking you to, but when he finds them sewn back together perfectly and folded neatly in his drawer, he gives you a soft kiss as a silent “thank you”.

He is FIERCELY protective over you both in social settings and in battle. He is always yelling at Luffy for being too loud or scaring you, he pulls out a sword against anyone who tries to make advances on you in public, and god forgive anyone who even thinks about hurting you in battle. 

He gives the best massages. He has perfect control on pressure and knows exactly where to press to comfort your aching muscles. He loves to massage your shoulders, your hands, your feet. Afterwards he’ll lazily trace his fingers across your skin, sometimes tracing over scars, but he never asks about them. He knows you’ll tell him when you’re ready. 

Luffy

He works so so hard to get you out of your shell. He just wants you to try new things and have new experiences!! He wants you to live life to the fullest!! 

New adventure? New food? New friend?? He’s introducing you to it all. It’s a bit overwhelming at times, but you know he means well, so you try your best to embrace it. 

He used to ask you about your injuries and scars whenever he saw a new one, but he’s learned to stop for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes the memories are so bad you cry, and he holds you and rocks you to sleep. Sometimes you tell him the truth, and he gets so angry he needs to go punch something and scream at the sky. Sometimes you’re not sure how you got it, and you get lost in thought for hours trying to remember what memory you’ve forgotten. 

You are always cleaning up Luffy’s messes, helping Franky repair the worn sails, stitching up torn clothing from everyone. You have a way with fabric, and can make an old shirt brand new again. Luffy deems you the “Clothing Captain”, since you can get rid of any stain, mend any cloth, and create the best outfits from scratch.  

He watches you really closely to make sure you aren’t working too hard. Sometimes you just get so caught up in getting as many tasks done as efficiently as possible that the whole day passes and you haven’t sat down once. Luffy keeps an eye on you and makes sure you are still having fun. The life on the Sunny isn’t supposed to be hard work, it’s supposed to be a fun family where everyone chips in with what they’re best at and what they enjoy. He knows you’re still working to understand that fully, and he works to support you the best way he can. 

Sanji

The first time you ate his food, you cried. You had never had anything better in your life, and you praised his cooking ability for days. It was the most you had spoken since joining the crew, and it was all for him. Sanji instantly fell for you, of course. 

He cooks constantly for you. He’ll spend hours over the stove trying to get the recipe just right. You never citicize his cooking (because it’s always the best thing you’ve ever had), so he learns your body language instead. He learns your favorite ingredients, and watches your reactions to his cooking closely to figure out how to perfect it just for you.

He talks your ear off, which you love. He knows you're not much of a talker, and he makes up for the empty space. Neither of you ever mind, you love hearing about his life, about their time on the sea. You asked him once where he first fell in love with cooking, and he got quiet for a long time. “My mother.” He finally said, and you knew that was all he would say on the matter. You realized that he had a past he didn’t like to talk about as well, and you didn’t push him to say anymore. 

He's extremely defensive of you, and keeps you away from prying eyes and questions. Luffy asks something insensitive? “Mind your own business, Luffy!” Zoro says something boneheaded? “I’ll kill you for that Mosshead!” Anytime you’re feeling awkward or uncomfortable, Sanji is there to step in and tell people to back off. 

He picks up on your PTSD warning signs super fast. He watches for the nervous flicks of your eyes, trembling fingers, twitching hands. As soon as he sees a sign, he’s there in an instant. He asks you what you need, refocuses you in the moment, makes sure you know you’re safe. He holds you and lets you cry and scream into his shirt. No matter what you do or what you need, he’s there for you. 

Law

The first time he sees all of your scars, he’s enraged. He clenches his fists and grits his teeth and does the best he can to help you with your current ailment without showing outward anger, but you can feel his rage. It scares you, and when he realizes his emotions are upsetting you, he works to keep them in check in the future. 

He studies up on all the medicinal herbs to heal aches and pains, and tries to find ways he might be able to help heal any injuries or long-lasting pain with his Ope-Ope fruit. 

He watches closely to see how you navigate being on a ship with new people. Some big milestones he notices:

The first time you speak without being asked a direct question

The first time you offer to mend Bepo’s outfit that’s been torn

The first time you fall asleep without crying

The first time someone touches you and you don’t flinch

The first time you laugh

The first time you initiate a kiss with him

There’s many more, but those are his favorites 

He gives you weekly checkups to make sure you’re not overworking yourself and ensure your health isn’t deteriorating 

He loves to kiss each one of your scars, starting at your fingers, moving up your arms and then down your back. He knows he can’t take away the pain, but he can try to mix in a few good memories with them as well. 

Ace

He knows that you question your worth a lot, so he gives you constant reassurance. “You’re doing amazing” and “I’m so proud of you” are some of his favorite things to say to you. They’re your favorite things to hear, too.  

At first, he wants to include you in everything. He wants to show you off. He wants the entire crew to get to know you and realize how great you are. But the big party scenes are overwhelming, and you get a panic attack at one. He quickly realizes that while his intentions were good, he misread the situation, and he apologizes profusely. After that instance, he prefers watching the stars with you in the crows nest as opposed to the party scene below. 

Occasionally he’ll still join the party and ask if you want to join, but he never pressures you to go. Every now and then you’ll go with him, and he keeps you close to him the whole night. When you’re ready to go, he always leaves with you, and makes sure you have time to process the event and decompress before you go to sleep so you don’t wake up anxious the next day. 

He gives you the equivalent of a hot stone massage with his devil fruit powers most nights, trying to coax your muscles into relaxing before bed. He tries his best to ignore your scars and your tattoo as he massages your back. He brings up the idea of you getting the sun pirate tattoo, but at the thought of the pain you begin to shake, and he doesn’t bring it up again. He talks to Marco secretly about the extent of the phoenix fruit abilities, but unfortunately the doctor can’t be of much help in healing the old wounds or the mental ones. 

You love Ace’s friends quietly. You make them snacks, and bring them drinks on hot days. You mend their clothes after battle, and help tend to their wounds when Marco is busy. You don’t always speak, but when you do, Ace’s friends brag about it for days. It’s an honor to be spoken to by you, and Ace loves that his friends love you too. 

[natigail]

"I figured hey, if I'm here, I might as well be honest with myself. So I dug into the archives. And I found teenage Dan. Do you remember HELLO INTERNET? There I was, eighteen years old, your average caucasian British boy with your problematic vocabulary, just wanting so desperately to be liked. I then saw myself age twenty, as a student. Not that I was actually studying anything other than the male anatomy. I had no plan. No prospects. I was in desperate need of a haircut. Jesus Christ. No, look, that was not a hairstyle. It was geometry. My hair was a square. I then saw myself age twenty-two as an adult, just trying to make my way in the world, taking any job that I could, no matter how inauthentic or degrading. And look. I don't hate these past versions of myself, alright? Apart from the square one, it can get in the fucking bin. Mainly, I just feel sorry that it took them so long to work out who they are. I then stumbled across the video titled Existential Crisis. In which I utter the optimistic nihilistic epithet: 'embrace the void and have the courage to exist'. Embrace the void and have the courage to exist. It sounded nice when I said it but for some reason it just didn't hit. I had accepted the absurdity of the world but at that time, I hadn't accepted myself. Looking back at it, it finally clicked. Anyone who has suffered with depression or any kind of trauma that seriously affects your self-worth hopes that one day you're going to have this sudden revelation and then everything is fine. I had my revelation alright. I am unapologetically gay! Don't know if you hadn't picked up on that, so far in the show. But just having this revelation did not immediately fix all of my problems, because I still feel that inherent burnt-on brand that I am wrong. And that doesn't just go away. No, I know what my problem is, alright. My problem I am always living for the future. Every day I am thinking about this dream future where all of my dreams have come true and all of my problem have gone and everything's fine. And so, every day in the present of my life can be this joyless unrelenting grind towards that future. But it's okay. It's going to come any day now, right? Learning to look yourself in the mirror and being honest about what you've been through and keep living in spite of that can be hard. It takes a long time and a relentless persistent resistance against the way that you've been trained to feel by the world. But that doesn't just mean you should give up. Because, sure, sometimes in life, you may feel trapped. I felt trapped by my sexuality. You could feel trapped by your culture or your community. Hell, you could be literally trapped in an elevator but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to get out. 'cause, sure, when I look at the state of the world, I am very tempted to just go: You know what - we're all doomed. But that isn't courageous. That is cowardly. It's the easy way out. Even if it is, as I hope you'd all agree, a really fucking cool name for a show. So that's the thing. You can either say to yourself, every day is just a discontent emoji or you can find the courage to force your inner smiling cowboy hat, ye-motherfucking-haw! And just try to find in everyday life. Which is why I made this show. So I'm not living in the future but I'm just right here, right now, with you, just trying to have one good night. And look. Hey. Who knows, huh? We may all be doomed. Death may be inevitable. But first, we get to live. Life might at times be a struggle but just being here, to put one foot in front of the other every day is living. So please, do not let the doom drag you down. You are important. You matter. Please, stay hopeful for the future. Appreciate life. Embrace the void and have the courage to exist." - Dan Howell, closing monologue of his show "we're all doomed" (2022-2024)

[cherryredstars]

Hi! I really really love how you write for Simon. Like honestly it is so good. I saw that you're taking regular requests right now, so if it's okay could I request some jealous/insecurity headcanons or a oneshot (any format really) for Simon? Like maybe him and the reader are still working toward being more secure but there's still those moments where there needs to be some reassurance and a bit of comfort.

I just loved your cocky!Simon headcanons and I would love to see the progression of him getting to that point if you know what I mean lol.

Also congrats on 1k!! You deserve it!! I love your blog.

Pairing: Simon “Ghost” Riley x gn!reader

Warnings: Fluff, Insecurities, Mentions of Simon’s Trauma, Angst (???) with Comfort

Summary: He just needs a little reassurance sometimes.

A/N: I need to write for Simon more, I miss him!!

Word Count: 1.6K (Edited)

Simon’s been jealous before. Envious being a better word. 

He used to be jealous of all the kids who had a loving home to go to. Jealous of peers with perfect parents and perfect siblings. Jealous of all the things he felt like he should have but couldn’t get. But this is a new kind of jealousy, a new insecurity. One so ugly and consuming that he feels particularly shameful of it. 

He knows relationships, especially for him, are all about time. Everything is about time. Hell, he spent fucking months trying to come to terms with the fact that he liked you. Spent even more time building up the courage to ask you out on a date and begin a relationship with him. Add on to that the long hiatuses caused by deployment? This whole relationship is a slowly spinning clock. 

But he’s here, a newly taken man with the kindest thing on his arm. He should be grateful, and he is grateful! Truely, undoubtedly grateful for the opportunity you have given him. But, he can’t help wanting more. From himself mostly, but also from you. And it frustrates him, frustrates him to no end because he knows he’s the reason why the both of you can’t have more. You have told him countless times, drilling it into his head like a daily affirmation that you’re okay with that. That would wait however long it took for Simon to get the hang of this. To fully comprehend what it means to be yours and how to navigate through it. And he is so blessed to have someone so understanding waiting up on him. 

But he sees the difference. Sees the way how natural, how fucking easy it is for you to talk and interact with everyone else. Can see how easy it is for everyone else to interact with you. Things he can’t comfortably do yet. It makes a dark well of hatred form in his stomach because he can't understand why it has to be so hard for him. Why he got the shitty deal of cards, why he got the short end of the stick. He knows, realistically, that it's his fault. So what if his shitty family life and not so glory-filled military career played a part in it? It's still Simon’s own actions at the end of the day. 

It’s fucking torture to watch the casual touches everyone lays on you. How easy it is for your friends to playfully shove your shoulder when you tell a joke, how they don’t hesitate to wrap you in a tight hug when you greet them, how they casually rest their chin or head on your shoulder and complain about everything that went wrong today. Fucking hates how confident people are as they try to flirt with you, how they could so easy articulate their attraction towards you in mere minutes when Simon can’t even do it in months. It makes him want to throw himself against a wall until his screwed up head fixes himself.

And you just look so happy. Smiling at your friends and returning the physical touches with ease. Face beaming with joy as you wrap someone in a hug or link their arm with yours. How you just fucking glow at the compliments given to you by your friends or a passing stranger in the street. He wishes so desperately that he could give you that, that he can casually walk into a room and tell you how fucking stunning you look instead of keeping it in his head. Wishes he could casually grab your hand without feeling like his skin was just dipped into a tub of acid. The only thing that keeps him together is your instant dismissal of anyone that tries to flirt with you, a proud look on your face as you say I have a boyfriend.

But he knows that it doesn’t look like it. Not when there is an obvious space between the two of you as you walk together. Not when he doesn’t make a single move to wrap his arm around you in a crowded space so you don’t get separated. He definitely screams boyfriend when he just watches someone come up to you and try to get into your pants instead of marking his claim on you. Safe to say, he doesn’t expect to find a Best Boyfriend Ever mug under the tree during the holidays this year. 

He knows it pains you too. Can see it every time you instinctively go to grab him only to stop midway through and you give him a bashful smile. Sees how painfully obvious it is when he comes back from deployment and you and him stand outside the terminal gate awkwardly because you don’t know how to greet him if it isn’t with a tight hug. It’s painted all over your face when the both of you are at a group hangout with friends and you watch with an envious gleam in your eyes how the couples are squished into each other’s sides or sitting in their laps. A sharp pain runs through his chest when he can’t even drape his arm over your shoulders to comfort you. He knows that the small smile you give him when you turn towards him is because you know he won’t, even if he really wants to. 

He hates that he can’t give you the simplest of things. Things that are supposed to be so natural in a relationship. Things that were promised to you when he asked you to be his partner. Things that make you so happy. He hates the idea that he’s robbed you of something. That something being a happy and normal relationship. That feeling builds and builds until he’s an insecure mess on your couch as you guys have a movie night.

You’re on opposite sides of the couch, something that makes him want to choke himself out. He’s spread out, arms thrown over the top of the sofa and legs spread. You’re pushed into the arm of the sofa, making sure none of your limbs touch him accidentally. He almost wants to throw up when the actors on screen run into each other’s arms and a small ‘aww’ leaves your lips with a dizzying smile. His hands clench and unclench as the movie ends. You sit up stretching and about to leave for a bathroom break before putting on the next movie when Simon speaks up. 

“I’m sorry.”

Your head snaps to him quickly, a confused furrow forming in between your brows. You’re about to open your mouth to question him when he continues, “I’m trying, but…it’s hard.”

It’s not much of a clarification, but you still understand what he’s talking about. A sympathetic smile comes across your face as you approach him. This time, you sit next to him but still not touching him. A tenseness leaves Simon’s body, preferring you close by even if he can’t touch you. You’re fully turned to him, a look of admiration on your face as you study him. The look ignites his soul and that little well of hate dries up the tiniest bit. 

“I know you have, and I’m so, so proud of you, Si.” The small tilt of your head and soft smile makes him want to nuzzle his face into your neck and shower you in his own praise. He knows he’s practically glowing from your words, and he can’t find it in himself to be embarrassed. 

“Still… I know how happy it would make you. Just… please.” He doesn't know when the lump formed in his throat, but he tries to subtly get rid of it. 

The way you melt into the couch also makes him melt into the fabric. The two of you study each other for a moment, taking in each other’s presence. Slowly you get up and Simon moves to get up too, a moment of panic running through his veins before it dies away when you grab his empty mug from the coffee table. You give him another soft smile as you hold the cup tightly in your grasp.

“Of course, Simon. Thank you for trying. Thank you for wanting to try for me. That is what makes me happy” 

You leave Simon there, excusing yourself to make him more tea and going to the bathroom. He sits and stares at the TV, a new feeling emerging in his chest. It pushes away the insecurity and that hatred and the jealousy. It expands until his own body is buzzy and a puff of air leaves him. Everything feels lighter, brighter now. This feeling is new. One so beautiful and consuming that he feels particularly at peace with it. Love, he thinks. He thinks it might just be love.

So when you come back to sit at his side, mindlessly blowing at the surface of his cup of tea before giving it to him, he lets the tips of his fingers purposely brush over yours. He holds your gaze, making sure you know it wasn’t an accident. A beaming smile forms on your face and he feels a smaller one form on the rim of his mug. He turns away then, sipping on his tea as you look for the next movie to put on. 

He doesn’t touch you again that night. But it still made all the difference. That one, singular touch was worth everything. 

The next night, he comes back to your apartment and stares down at the new mug that greeted him when he opened the cabinet. His finger rubs against the printed words with a lovesick smile. 

Best Boyfriend Ever.

I ♡ Simon Riley mug when???

[carmenized-onions]

Where To? | Delivery Fees

logline; Fix, after fix, after fix; at a point, you've gotta ask what you are.

[!!!] series history, this is the fifth; First, Second, Third, Fourth

portion; 8k+ (sorry, it's about to go down. Perfectly in time for your long Friday midnight read that you regret in the morning!)

possible allergies; birth/medical shenanigans (nothin' scary, tbh, unrealistic), Mikey heavy talks and thus, mentions of drug addiction, it's traumas, his death, and grieving! Tony makes a joke about being bisexual, and I simply can't apologize for this, I write the perspective I have, man.

pairing; Carmen ‘Carmy’ Berzatto & Fem Reader (aunt, mentions of bein' a mom, no pronouns? I think?)

this is by far, I think, the best (and longest) chapter so far, and if you don't leave me a paragraph (or several) detailing your thoughts and favourite moments, I will eat a lightbulb. And you will simply never hear from me again. Be warned,,,,,

Everyone works fast and efficient. Hospitality is used in two places for a goddamn reason. A well-oiled machine can switch gears on a dime.

Sydney gets a clean table cloth sample from a pile of off-whites they’d been considering. She puts it down in the office, swiping it over the floor to cover up the grime. Does she close her eyes when she walks in, and trip over the chair on the ground? Yeah. But she’s trying to be respectful of Nat’s privacy, okay!?

Tina talks Nat through everything as she gets Nat to lay down, she finds your Carhartt jacket hanging the shelf, folds it, and tucks it under the small of Sug’s back for support.

Richie is in the front of house, yelling at Pete over the phone, both with disdain and love somehow? That’s fathers for you. Fak is respectfully standing in front of the office door with one pile of warm cloths and another pile dry. Was he yelled at when he initially tried to come in? Yes. He’s handing them off to Sydney as needed now.

You scrub your hands clean, dry them, then start rolling on prep gloves at the sink. An apron is thrown around you, you turn your head just so, to see Carmen behind you, tying the neck and then waist of your apron for you.

He’s focused on the knots, but he looks up at you for a split second, meeting your curious gaze, his only explanation is, “S’faster.” You refocus on your gloves, because you’ll go insane if you don’t. It’s a silent exchange.

When you’re both scrubbed and ready, Carmen takes the towels from Fak and you usher for him to switch places with Tina, who slips out along with Sydney.

Everyone else sits outside the office, hushed and worried, and it is just the three of you, in here. Technically four, if you think about it. He sits on his knees so Sugar can elevate her head on his lap. And on the other side of him, about to assist in the birth of his niece, between her legs, is you.

You situate yourself, hands at the ready to catch a baby, towel in your lap.

And if you can just pretend you’re wearing medical gloves instead of prep cook gloves, and scrubs instead of an old Beef apron, you can almost believe it’s three years ago and you’re riding in the back of an ambulance helping a new mom deliver a baby, and Mikey is still alive somewhere where you don’t know him yet. You shake your head out of it. There’s not time for this.

“Alright, you’re doing a great job, just keep breathing, just keep pushing— Sometimes talking helps, uh, with labour.”

“I— What should I talk about—?”

“Oh, uh—” You look up at Carmen as if it’s gonna help you, and in a way, it does, “Why don’t you tell me baby names you’ve been considering? You pick one out?”

“Oh, oh I— Christ— I was thinking maybe, maybe Michaela? Is that stupid? That’s stupid, isn’t it?” She warbles with a stinging level of insecurity.

“I don’t think it’s stupid, Sug.” Carmen’s quick to jump in, swiping her hair out of her eyes. You nod in agreement, backing him up. “I don’t think it’s stupid. It’s a sweet sentiment— Nobody gets to judge the way you mourn, Nat.”

She groans in pain, then groans more pitifully, like being struck with a sudden guilt, “Tony!”

“Yeah, yeah, Nat? I’m here.” You take her hand.

“I was being a bitch before in the bathroom!” She whines this out like a drunk girl’s confession.

You’re quick to lean forward to her, consoling her, as if she is in fact a drunk girl in the bathroom with you, “Nononono, you were fine— Hey, keep pushing, keep breathing— You weren’t bein’ any type a way, you’re good!”

“I was so judgy! I was just like my fucking mom— Oh my God— Am I gonna be my mom?!”

Carmen and you are lightning fast to usher and coo a myriad of denials and flat out ‘No’s. When he gets the chance, he looks up and whispers to you, “What did she say to you?”

He’s far too hung up on this, in this moment. You squint at him, whispering back, oozing with sarcasm, “She can still hear you.”

“I said— I said ‘didn’t see you at the funeral’! Like who says that!?”

Carmen should be looking at his sister, which makes his stare feels ten times more exposing, “You didn’t go to the funeral?”

You shrug, but you feel a mountain of guilt on that shrug, like fucking Atlas. “Neither did you.”

He squints back at you, head tilting just slightly, “Yeah, but—”

“You knew him so much better than we did and I just— You’re so intimidating!”

“Intimidating?” Looking at Carmen’s face, it doesn’t look like he disagrees. Which only shocks you all the more.

“Yes! You know, you’re— You’re—”

“You’re like Mikey.” Carmen finishes for her. She nods, deliriously, trying to focus on her breathing.

“In what way?” You’re way too interested in this conversation, Goddamn it, look at the baby forehead, not the boy.

“You don’t talk like him or nothin’, but—”

“It’s the air!” Sugar shrieks on ‘air’, white knuckle gripping your hand. “You just, you control the temperature— you make rooms easier to breathe in like he did— And I— I wanted to push to see you make it harder to breathe like he—Oh my God!”

“Nat, you’re doing a fantastic job. The head’s a quarter way out, you’re doing —great.” You nod to Carmen, and wordlessly he knows to take your absolutely shattered hand out of her grasp and replace it with his. “And I try my best, but I— Y’know what, this isn’t the time—”

“No! Please, God, keep going!” She is clinging to your words like a telenovela. “This is all I have to keep my mind off my vagina tearing open!”

You nod, you want to wring your hands together but you’re wearing latex gloves. “I just— I didn’t know your brother better than you did. I just— I just knew him when he wasn’t letting a lot of people know him.”

“How did— you become friends with Mikey?”

“Dad was a fixer—”

“No, I know how you met. How did you become friends?”

You pause. God, no one’s ever called you on it. You've always been able to get away with a mere list of factors.

“I, uh…. was a couple jobs in at the Beef, with my dad, and we’d spoken casually before, but I stepped out to get some air, and he was there, havin’ a smoke, and he offered to share, and when I said ‘Oh, I don’t smoke’, he—”

You soften at the thought, eyes distant, smirking. “He went ‘What, are you Amish?’ And I guess, we just… Became friends over how detached and different I was, from everything else in his life. I didn’t know anything about him before The Beef. I didn’t come with expectations or social circles to rat on him to. I was— I was basically Amish, to him.”

You were his lock box. You had no way of using anything he ever said against him, and even if you could, you never would.

He could bitch about his successful baby brother in Denmark, and also rave over how excited he was about his successful baby brother in Denmark. He could do impressions of his little sister's cringey husband, and also show his relief in the fact that she will always be loved. He could tell you how scared he was, he could tell you what Uncle Lee said—he couldn’t tell you he was using. No. He couldn’t tell you. But you would find out, when you had to administer Narcan on him as he was passed out in the back alley of The Beef.

From there, there was nothing you didn’t hear about, nothing he thought would be worth hiding, after that. A diary of confessions is carved into your heart. Your name is carved into your favourite booth at your second favourite diner, not two blocks from here. It’s all the same handwriting.

You didn’t know Mikey better than his siblings did, you just knew how he felt about the things they saw.

Natalie’s shrieking brings you back to earth, you re-cradle your hands for the very top of the baby’s head. Despite the pain she’s in, she was right, your talking really is helping her keep the focus off her pain, “Is—Is that why you didn’t go to the funeral?!” She’s not judgy or mad, she just can’t say anything without full screaming it.

“I don’t— I don’t know if this exact moment is the best time—”

“I decide what time it is!”

Carmen looks up at you, and for the first time, is wincing at the iron clad grip his sister has his hand in— Ironically, the one with the stabbing tattoo. He wheezes, “She— She decides what time it is.”

“Right.” You nod at both of them, eyes wide. Your tone is hasty, you’d rather explain yourself well, but now you just have to explain yourself fast because the baby’s head is three quarters of the way out.

“Well, I, uh, yeah— It was, it was tough. I didn’t— I didn’t want to watch a group of people I’d heard so much about, good and bad, walk up on stage in front of a closed casket— N’— N’ talk about like, cute childhood moments— When I—When I had seen, when I had only seen him at his worst. And I— I liked the Mikey I got, loved the Mikey I got, but I know those last two years were very different. And I guess— I guess, I didn’t wanna learn… What I missed.”

There’s a lot of reasons why you didn’t go to the funeral, but that’s the one you know she’s going to find the most digestible and make some semblance of sense out of, right now.

She nods, repeatedly, deliriously, Carmen holds her head still. “I’m— I’m sorry, Tony.”

“I forgive you, Sug.” You nod back, reassuring, a soft smile for but a moment. “Now breathe, and one last big push— Head’s almost out! Smooth sailing from there, you’re doing so good!”

Just as frantic as Natalie’s screaming, there’s doors slamming, yelling, and what sounds like tripping from outside the office, “Nat! I’m here! I’m here! I’m coming!”

“Oh! Hold it in, Pete’s here—”

“Sugar, again, I hate to tell you this, not how that works!”

It’s about an hour later, you’re sitting out in front of The Bear, on the curb, with Syd.

Tina headed home as soon as she could to get back to her family. Richie said he’s on ‘daddy drop off’ for Eva tomorrow, so he had to head out— And he’s Fak’s ride, so he left too.

Once the baby had been delivered, and you’d screamed at calmly communicated to Carmen to get the exact time for the birth certificate, and Pete had rushed in and almost slipped on the wet sheets and cracked his head open— Everything was totally chill.

Pete’s driving his wife and daughter to Saint Anthony Hospital, where they’ll stay in holding for the next one to two days. Carmen refused to let you clean up on the basis of, ‘you just delivered my niece, get the fuck out’; and is inside, finishing that up. And so, you and Syd are perched up outside, getting some much-needed air, talking about nothing.

“That was fucking— crazy.”

“I think I should start smoking.” Is all you can reply, laughing shakily, eyes on the stars— Though there’s not many. Shout out light pollution. You hug your arms, still in the same outfit, apron-less, jacket-less, cold as fuck.

Syd laughs, “Yeah, that’s the move. For sure.” She sighs, sipping water from a deli cup she’d brought out. “...I’m never fuckin' having kids.”

“No, for sure.” You whistle, leaning back for dramatic effect, “I go back and forth on it a lot, and then I see a mom giving birth or dealing with her goblins and I’m like—”

You look to each other, speaking at the same time, “Free birth control!”

“Genuinely!” You snort, laughing through the words, “I leave cat food out on my fire escape for this one stray on my block, and I think that is as committal as I’m willing to get with taking care of creatures.”

She sniffs, looking at you more peculiarly, still smiling, “I think you’d be a good mom, though.”

Your amused grin sobers into a wistful smile, “I think you’d be a good one, too. Both like taking care of people.”

She punches your shoulder, softly, obviously. “You came through in an insane way, tonight.” When you try to wave it off, she doubles down, “I literally do not know what would’ve happened without you. The Bear is literally in your debt—And—And— You ditched your date, for us.”

You sigh, though smiling, “Syd, it wasn’t—” “It was bad? It was so bad you were kinda wishing this would happen?”

The house lights of The Bear shut off and Carmen comes out as you respond, locking the door behind him.

“I cannot fathom a date so bad that I actively hope my friend’s sister goes into labour and needs me to deliver her kid.”

“So it wasn’t bad?” She leans forward onto her knees, like she’s about to get the daily scoop.

“Not what I said, no, you keep cuttin—”

“You cold?” It’s Carmen who cuts you off this time, standing behind you both. You turn your head to him, still hugging your shoulders. He looks …stiffer than usual? Tense? You can’t tell the adjective, he just looks… Different. Or maybe it’s just a default you’ve never noticed. But you think you would’ve noticed.

You stand up, as does Syd. “Oh, yeah. I thought I’d like… Rinse my Carhartt before I wear it again. I’m good, though.”

He pauses where he is, like he’s computing, then shakes his head, “Don’t act tough.” And takes off his jean-fleece jacket, holding it out for you. Who are you to refuse that?

When you reach for it, he pivots in time to put the sleeve over your arm for you, then the other. You quickly recall the walk-in, and suddenly this feels like divine retribution. God, it’s weird to be cared for in return. God, he cares for you? Don’t start ruminating right now, holy shit—

“Thanks.” You cough, awkwardly, looking to Syd, pointing your fingers to both of them. “Ride? Ride?”

Syd holds her bag over her shoulder, and you can already tell what she’s gonna say. “I’ll take the—”

“If you say L instead of my fuckin’ car, it’s your ass, Adamu.” It’s past twelve. No way.

“…I’ll take the ‘your fucking car’, please.” She bows her head down, you throw your arm over her shoulder, dragging her with you. “That's my girl!”

You turn your head over your shoulder to Carmy, his weird different demeanour has somewhat melted away, good enough. “You comin? I’m holding your jacket hostage this time, so you kinda have to.”

He follows close behind you two, sheepish. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll take the ride.”

“Who wants to sit in the back?”

“Isn’t the hot-seat s’posed to be shotgun?” Syd questions.

“You know, people say that, but that’s for when you wanna socialize, when it’s late you wanna sprawl in the back and pretend you’re the last person on earth.”

“You make a compelling argument, my friend.” Syd taps her nose, grinning. She calls to Carmy behind her. “I call the back!”

“Is it bad if I don’t check on my dad, while I’m here?” You park in front of Syd’s place. You know it well, your dads live on the same block. “No, right? It’s twelve in the morning and no matter what you both say, I think I do still smell vaguely of afterbirth.”

“If I were your dad, I think I would prefer to not be visited, right now, yeah.” Syd nods, taking her seat-belt off.

“Woww,” You eye her through the rear-view mirror, “You don’t love your daughter, Syd? Wouldn’t get up at midnight for me?” Carmen laughs from the sidelines into his fist, leaned against the window.

“Of course I would, my sweet child!” She snickers, reaching forward to pinch and pull your cheek, you slap her hand away. “Alright, fuck off.”

When she pulls back and goes to grab her stuff, you remember. “Oh! There should be a lil’ gift bag, somewhere on the ground back there?”

“Yeah,” She procures the bag, lifting it up to her head for you to see. “This thing?”

You nod, “Open it.”

“Oh what!?” She groans, before even opening it, “You got me a present and have saved me twice? Did you kill a loved one of mine or something?”

You laugh, shrugging. “Bloodlust is insatiable. But, y’know, I’m proud of you for opening and getting Head, I wanted to commemorate, or whatever.” You shove Carmen’s shoulder, getting his attention, “Yours is coming, by the way, I just need a lil’ more time on it.”

He seems perplexed by the idea that you’re getting him a gift, even though you already told him you would, but he nods. Syd unbags her present, “What…?”

In a small box, with a clear lid so she can see through, is a white Dickie peter pan style collar. Tacked onto both lapels are gold circular collar pins. On the left one, it has the initial S, and the other A; both in gold over a white background. A thin gold chain connects the two pins, across the neck. All fake gold, duh, you’re not rich. But it’s still gorgeous. And thoughtful.

“‘You lose all sense of identity, in a restaurant.’” You repeat her own words back to her, looking at her through the rear-view mirror, smiling. “I thought maybe a little extra personal touch on the uniform would help with that. The collar’s really just to explain how the fuck it works, but I also sweat so much in your kitchen, so I thought it could be use—” Syd cuts into your ramblings, swinging her arm over your headrest to hug you, more like choke. But with love, so you hug her arm back. “—Full.”

“You’re a great daughter, Tony.” She squeezes. “Thank you.” You just squeeze her arm back.

She shows the gift off to Carmen, who seems genuinely impressed, he can’t stop glancing between the gift and you. You remember things. “Beautiful, Chef.”

“Oh, oh oh, before you go—” You snap your fingers, “I’m coming to the wedding gig, fuckin’ uh… Vickie and Merman? That can’t be right…”

“You’re coming to Vinnie and Mira’s wedding?” Ah, count on Carmen to know names. It's his family, after all. Or family adjacent? Unsure.

You nod, “Bar-tending. Cicero got me. You’re catering?”

He nods, “30k is 30k.” Syd backs him up. “It’d be fucking stupid, if we said no, especially since they’re taking expenses.”

“We should like, coordinate or something—” “Wait!”

Syd interrupts, clutching the shoulders of your seat and Carmen’s. “When did you see Cicero?”

“Uh, couple hours ago? When you were spamming?”

Syd squints, looking into the middle distance like she’s just cracked a case wide open. Hot outfit. Denial of dates. Cicero. “Oh my god... Cicero’s your sugar daddy?”

“What?!” Lightning speed, both you and Carmen yell. Probably for entirely different reasons and confusions.

“No! Syd, I was at work—” “Well, it is a type of job—” “I am not doing any sort of code for Sugar Baby activities! I was at a real place of business and he was there, he asked me to bar-tend, he said y’all would be there.” You gesture with your hands wildly as a form of enunciation.

“Right…” She opens the door behind her, eye contact un-breaking. “I’m gonna figure you out��”

You roll your eyes, waving goodbye with one hand, flipping her off with the other. “Text me your hotel plans for New York, loser. We can split a room.”

“Okay, loser! See you. See you tomorrow, Carm!” She waves you off, shutting the car door behind her. Carmen waves back to her. Once she’s safely inside, he turns to you. You speak before he can.

“Listen, there’s something about being around your childhood friend, and also around your old neighbourhood, dropping her off at home like you used to in high school, that makes you completely age regress into a sixteen-year-old.”

He smiles, putting his hands up in defense. “I didn’t say shit.”

“I could feel the judgment, radiating.”

“I, I wasn’t—” He chuckles awkwardly, scratching his nose to hide his eyes. “I thought it was cool. To uh, see, a different side to—to both of you.”

“Awe.” You pull off the curb, driving off. “Wonder what you were like, as a teen.”

He laughs, “A fuckin’ loser, is what.”

“Eh, I was too.”

“No, you weren’t.”

“Oh? We go to the same fuckin’ high-school, Berzatto?” You flick your gaze from the road to him for a moment. “I think I would’ve remembered.”

He rolls his eyes, though you don’t see it, back on the road. “You wouldn’t have been a loser. Not like, like me level loser, at least.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Too nice.”

“That’s true. I was an angel.” You hum. “I was well known but not popular, I tended to hang out with the more fringe people. Also, I was fucking depressed, I missed like, half my junior year with fake sick days.”

“Hm.” He crosses his arms, leaning against the head rest, tilting his vision to you. “I would’ve thought you were cool.”

“I would’ve thought you were cool, too.” You smile. “I bet we would’ve been friends.”

He just hums in reply, not confirming or denying, lost in thought. He tilts his head back to look at the road. You speak up after a moment, “Where are we headed, by the way?”

 He straightens up in his seat immediately, leaning forward. “Oh, oh right, fuck, directions—”

“That, but also like, I can drop you somewhere else— Like, not home.”

“Like?”

Like your place. “Like uh, I dunno, if you wanted to go to the hospital? If you’re like… A hospital family?”

He snorts, “A hospital family?”

“Like, for my nephew, I didn’t go to the hospital, I met him a week later. But you did already meet your niece— So maybe you get a pass?”

“Yeah, I don’t think we’re a hospital family, anymore, anyways.” Ah. The silent knowing. The glue that was there is gone. “You have a nephew?”

“Yeah, you wanna see photos?”

“Oh, uh, yeah—”

“I’m fucking with you.” You chuckle, “No one wants to see photos. But I do have a nephew.” You click your teeth. “You have now joined me at Aunt and Uncle status, people will congratulate you despite the fact that you contribute nothing to becoming one. Congratulations.”

You reach a hand out, awkwardly shaking his hand for a second before right back to the wheel. It’s hard to move one hand up and down and also drive. Carmen just shakes his head, chuckling. A win.

“We could also go shopping.” You shrug. “Buy your niece some baby shit? Or, you’re tired, so I should probably just drop you—”

“Let’s go shopping, yeah.” He’s quick to interrupt, pivoting to face you. Anything to keep the night going, with you. “If uh, if you want.”

“There’s always something I need to re-up on, I’m down.” You nod to him, more specifically, his phone in his lap. “Can you find the nearest 24/7 department store, for me?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He fiddles with his phone, getting directions, then balances it on the console so you can see. There’s a lull of comfortable silence as the adrenaline from you two delivering a fucking baby wears off. God, the trauma bond between you is as thick as a lead pipe at this point. You can’t tell if that’s a good thing. You don’t want to find out.

He’s first to break the silence. “Left up here.” Just reading you the directions, and then tacks on, as you take the left. “…Where were you, when we called?”

You groan, though smiling, “Not you fuckin’ too, Carmy!”

“I—” He laughs, disingenuous, you can tell. “I just wanna know, if, if we really did interrupt somethin’ for you.”

“You wanna know if I went on a date.” Not a question, a statement.

His mouth opens, shuts, opens. He shrugs. “A little.”

“Why, you wanna ask me out?”

What. What. What. What. Why— Where— Who—Huh? Crash the car. Why did you say that? Why would you say that? Crash the car right now. Veer into that streetlamp. Kill both of you. Instantly. Those should be your last words. Do it. Do it!

You cough, clearing your throat after a solid one second of silence— Eons too long. “I was— I was actually at work. Not lying to make you feel better. Didn't ruin shit, for me.” You’re certain you’re fumbling this, as you fake laughter at your cool joke, definitely a joke because he literally broke up with his girlfriend yesterday and that was an insane thing to say. Disrespectful, even.  

He’s silent, for a good few seconds, which again, centuries. If you were looking at him instead of the road, you’d see he looks like a deer in headlights, but like, a deer that is somewhat hoping he does get hit by that car.

“…What’s your work?” He flits between you and the GPS. “Straight through this intersection.”

“Bartender.”

“What bar?”

“You wouldn’t know it.”

“That’s why I’m asking. Take a right up here.”

You turn your head to look right, and also at him. He’s looking at you expectantly. You grimace, taking the turn. He’s not gonna let this go. “…Eden’s.”

He squints. “…Isn’t that—”

“VIP bar and club, yes.”

He backs up in his seat, thinking. Prodding at his inner cheek. “You’re a—”

“Alright, I’m a fuckin’ bottle girl, Carm!” You groan, wanting to say the realization before he could. “I do bar too— And I have been a sommelier, but yes, I am a fuckin’ ‘throw around bottles with flashlights strapped to them’ girl.”

“Turn into there, up left.” He crosses his arms, you’ve raised your voice but he hasn’t. “Is it… Good?”

You sigh, “Tips are good. And I tend to get put on bar. I’m only on-call, it’s just when they’re down someone and I’m down on services for the month.”

He nods, slow, pensive. You shrug, turning into the lot of the department store. A Target. The nice Target, too. “Gotta make rent somehow, y’know?”

He nods again, very clearly lost in thought. You park the car, in a relatively empty lot. He’s still thinking; you turn to him. “…You good, Carm?”

He turns his head up to you, at a molasses like speed. The gears are visibly turning in his head. “What if you worked at The Bear?”

“…Huh?”

“You could, you could do bar.”

“You don’t have a bar.”

“You could make drinks, in the back. We don’t have a drinks guy.”

You take a deep breath, thinking. That is really, what you want. You’d be at The Bear, every day. It’d feel like home. You’d spend time with your second family instead of an ever-turning roster of old male customers. Your coworkers at Eden aren’t bad, but you never quite clicked as family. Not like you did at The Beef. Not like you did at The Bear. You’re staring at Carmen, and his face is slowly morphing into a golden ticket.

Carmen wants you to quit. Carmen’s maybe never wished for the downfall of someone’s career more than right now. Or maybe it’s an uptick? He wants your success, really. The Bear would be an upgrade. You’d be at his restaurant, in his uniform. In the back, making drinks, where no one’s going to look at you, whistling, turning heads. You could make him lavender coffee, every morning. He could put it on the menu. You could work on a cocktail menu together. An evening coffee menu, too, maybe. He could spend the rest of his miles to send you to Paris, have you visit wineries to learn about different types of grapes and shit. He could come with you, maybe, if he got the time off. Who’s he kidding. He’ll never get the time off. But you could send him photos. An entire lifetime is rolling on in Carmen’s head, as he waits for your answer.

“You can hire me.”

There’s a wreath of grapevines, cascading over your shoulders, but then you poke his shoulder, and— “When—” they vanish. “—You can afford to.”

He squints, heart stuttering. “We-We can afford—”

“No the fuck you can’t.” You interrupt, shaking your head. “You and Syd are unpaid, right now, I’m not coming on until I see you cashing cheques.”

The coffee in his head hasn’t gone cold just yet. “But you will come work for us?”

You smile, nodding. You put your hand out for him to shake on it, he does. “You’ve got a promised bartender, Berzatto.”

He’s beaming, he’s trying to hide it, but his eyes are too bright for one in the morning. It’s impossible to not see it. But he keeps his cool persona, just nodding. “Cool. That's cool. Let’s uh, let’s—”

You smack your thigh, opening your car door. “Let’s get fucking going!”

It’s a ghost town in the store. You’re pretty sure you could rob this place blind, and not a single worker would bat an eye— If there’s even an employee here right now. You stroll through aisles relatively quickly— Carmen doesn’t have to wake up insanely early tomorrow, since The Bear doesn’t currently have a morning schedule— But he does have to get up at a decent time for Syd, who’s coming over to rework the menu.

Yeah, he took your advice. He’s working on being a better partner. He’s even grabbing ingredients that spark something in him, mumbling cooking terms you couldn’t utter back to him if you tried. It’s a stunning sight, to watch him work in this way. In his element.

Which makes him, in the Children’s Department, completely out of his element, look so much funnier.

“What the fuck do you buy a baby?” He stares down the aisle, alarmed, confused, possibly a touch scared. He turns his head to you, expectant, as though you’re a prophet who’ll save him. “What the fuck did you get your nephew?”

You shrug, counting on your hand. “A Peter Rabbit book, a teething toy that doubles as a stuffy, and a onesie—Or I think they’re called rompers? When they don’t go all the way to the feet?”

He squints, scratching behind his ear. “Do they use any of that shit, when they’re new?”

“No.” You deadpan. “But, my brother reads to him at night and baby switched from holding to teething pretty easy when the time came. Clothes are honestly the most useless. They outgrow that shit in two seconds.”

He nods, looking nowhere, thinking. “Bear and book?”

“Bear and book. Plus something for your sister.”

“Like what?”

“I’m not giving away my ideas.”

“You’re getting her something?”

“How haven’t you gotten my love language is acts of service and gifts at this point?”

“You could gift me with an idea.”

You cannot bite back the smile on your face. You shake your head and roll your eyes, walking ahead to get the bear and book. “I’m getting her a heating pad. You can get her bubble bath shit.”

The bear is cute. It’s incredibly squishable, he’s got adorable heart shaped nose and blue instead of pink on his ears. You’re holding the babe, since Carmen’s basket is full of groceries and you didn’t want to get the sweet little gentleman dirty. Carmen does not like that you keep calling the bear a sweet little gentleman. You do it more.

You offer up the Berenstain Bears for a book, he simply walks away from you. Oh, suddenly it’s bad to make this child’s life entirely bear themed? What world do we live in? You agree on Frog and Toad.

You split up for a couple minutes, he’s getting soaps on one end of the store, you’re getting a heating pad on the other. Plus the smallest bottle of bleach you can find.

It is a bizarre sight, you imagine, for the greeters watching you. Walking around, clutching a bear to your chest, holding a bottle of bleach in one hand, a boxed up electric heating pad in the other. Wearing a jean jacket that’s both a little too big for you and yet too small to button over your chest—and if they’re paying attention, underneath, a red leather corset. God, it’s one in the morning. Your makeup has probably melted off by now.

When you meet back up, he’s in the Hygiene aisle, relaxing bubble bath with Epsom salts already in his basket. Good Carm, he learns fast. Even better, he’s in the Men’s Hygiene section.

…Staring at Old Spice scents.

Your entire system completely reboots for no good reason. You blue screen mid-step. Thank God, his back is to you, so he doesn’t catch this. You sidle up next to him, coolly, squatting down to look at the scents on the bottom shelf.

“Every lesbian I know uses Wolfthorn.”

He turns his head to look down at you, flattening his lips in a line to not laugh. “You want me to smell like a lesbian?”

You tilt your head to look up at him, shrugging. “You currently smell like a bisexual.”

He still smells like you. Well, mostly he smells like seared meat and fish, but underneath that, he smells like your soap and shampoo.

He snorts, taken aback slightly by the subtle come out, covering the bottom half of his face with his free hand.

“You should get the fuckin…” You stand, finger waving over the bottles looking for the right one. “The relaxing one. Get all the advantages you can.”

He hums, “You like lavender?”

“In doses.” You shrug, swallowing. He thinks you’re intimidating? You feel like you’re under a microscope, the way he looks to you. “I get a headache, when it’s too strong.”

He nods, grabs the Bearglove scented one, and starts walking. Not letting you question the choice. You hurriedly follow after, heading to the self-check-out with him. He walks and talks. “What’s with the bleach?”

You stare at him for a long while, squinting. He stops walking to face you. “What?”

“I’m debating whether or not I tell you.”

“Are you gonna poison me?”

You click your teeth and snap your fingers, ‘awe shucks’. “You’ve foiled my plan.”

He smiles, but looks at you expectantly. You shrug, you must acquiesce. “It’s for your present.”

“You said you hate the painting in The Bear, so I’m making you a new one.”

It’s his turn to blue screen. You add, “If you end up hating it, you don’t have to put it up, but I wanted to take a shot at making a piece that’s you, like you wanted.”

All he can bring himself to do is nod, because if he doesn’t, he’ll spill his guts in the middle of this Target.  “I’ll hold off on getting a new one, then.”

He taps his card before you can, when you use self-checkout. He shrugs when you grumble about this. “I owe you gas money.”

“You did not owe me thirty dollars of gas money.”

“Then I’ve got credit in advance.”

It’s half past one in the morning, when you park in front of his place. Two nights in a row, this is gonna fuck with your schedule… Eh, when did you ever really have a schedule?

“Thank you.” He turns to you with a striking certainty, swallowing. “Like. For everything. I think I could’ve died every single day for the past few days, if you weren’t there.”

When you open your mouth to brush off the thank you, because he knows you’ll brush off the thank you, he hovers a finger in front of your face, shushing you. “Don’t give me that ‘no big deal’ shit, neither. It’s been a big fuckin’ deal to me.”

You sigh, nodding, you take his hand where it hangs in the air, bringing it down. You’re still holding it. You’re hoping he forgets that you are. He absolutely won't. “…I just don’t like it when people feel like they owe me. Other than, y’know, doing actual handyman shit for money.”

He nods, “I don’t feel like I owe you. I want to pay it back.”

You shrug, “You’ve fed me every day. So, that’s kind of a huge return.”

“You delivered a baby.”

“Listen, I’m just trying to make you feel better.” You lift your hands in defense, letting go of his hand. You regret it. “I’m very cool, we know.”

“You are.” He chuckles, but his words are sincere. Why is he looking at you so hard?

“What?” You cross your arms, looking back at him.

“You delivered a baby.” He repeats, wonderment in his voice.

You nod. “Not the first time. Which is lucky, not every paramedic has experienced a code O-B. I don’t wanna give you an unrealistic expectation.”

“How was that?”

“The code O-B?”

He tilts his head back and forth, ‘kinda’. “Being a paramedic.”

“Hard.” You nod, straightening up. “Hard. Went to school for two years, straight out of high school. Spent three years as a first responder. It was… Fucked. I cut like...”

You chuckle when you say it, shaking your head, but the feeling isn’t amusement, “Everyone out of my life. Not on purpose, just by design. The hours are insane, obviously, and my co-workers… Like, you expect to be the youngest in the room, and so, when you’re surrounded by kids your age, breaking some grandma’s ribs, doing C-P-R in the back of a shrieking, speeding truck…” You trail off, looking down.

“It’s uh… It was tough, yeah.” You sniff, not crying, just filling silence, looking back up at him.

He nods, “…That sounds pretty fuckin’ tough, yeah.” He’s thankful that you gift him with a laugh, however dry. “And you just switched to, to handiwork?”

You shrug, so-so. “I would’ve kept doing it, is the thing. Which is kinda scary to say. But, basically— In the free time I did have, my dad, who owned Chicago’s Kindest, would ask me to come fix shit with him— Which, would seem tiring, but he really just made me hold a flashlight and hand him shit, most of the time. It was more like… His dad way of asking to hang out.”

“And uh, it’s a old family business, right. He’s been doin’ that shit since I was born. And uh, when he started—” You flex your hands and fingers, cracking them, staring at them. “Gettin’ arthritis and all the other fun old people weaknesses, I started working and he started holding the flashlight… It was kind of a no brainer, when he told me he had to retire. To make the switch, I mean.”

You click your teeth, looking back up at him after a moment, “Sorry, I’m fuckin’ talking too much—” “No, no.”

“I— I, It’s good when you talk too much.” You do not notice the way his jaw grinds, for just a second. Cursing himself out in his head for bowing out at the last minute there.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

You lean your arm on the shoulder of your seat, then your head against your arm. “Yeah, good bedtime story, at least.” You check the time on your phone. Almost two. “You’ve gotta fuckin’ go to bed. You’re probably gonna need to meet with Uncle J, anyways.”

“…Oh fuck.” He rubs his hand over his face when he realizes.

You continue, nodding, cringing for him. “Maternity leave, catering gig— You’re in for a fuckin’ day tomorrow, Berzatto. Need your beauty sleep.”

He swallows, nodding repeatedly, head in hands. “Yeah, yeah, I do.” He laughs, halfheartedly. “Thank you. Uh, for all the shit, again, and the ride. And the detour.”

You shrug, “Welcome. More fun with you, anyways.”

He nods, eyes going from straight at you to literally anywhere else. He fiddles with the door handle for a moment, though he’s turns towards you, not the door. It looks like he’s having a wrestling contest with his own brain. You’re not sure who, but someone wins. “I, I uh, do want to, by the way.”

You furrow your brows, a little worried, honestly. “Want to do what?”

“Ask you out.”

…

It’s sort of like, all the facilities of your stupid brain shut off. You think the teenager tripped over an important wire and every thought and ability to contextualize feelings has left. The same has happened to him, of course, and now it just comes down to both of your now palaeolithic brains to rapid fire responses to each other.

He adds, “Not right now, but, eventually. After, y'know, we— we know each other better.”

You nod. He continues, rambling. “And I’ve— I can’t split my time, right now. I’ve gotta-gotta focus on The Bear, right now, and- and Syd, right now.”

“That should be priority, yeah.”

“—I’m not expecting you to wait—Or-Or even say—.”

“I will.”

It’s his turn to go mum. You play with the stray baby hairs on the back of your neck, explaining.

“The timing right now, like, could not be worse for you.”

“Right.”

“You just started a new business,” “—Yeah—” “That you’re 800k in the hole for,” “—A little less—” “You just went through a break up.”

“Not a rebound.” He’s quick to assure, with a certainty. “If that’s—If that’s a concern.”

You smile, shaking your head, “Not a concern for me, concerned for you. I just wanted to agree with you, that the time for it isn’t right now.”

He laughs, softly, through an exhale. “You don’t wanna convince me otherwise?”

You laugh, shaking your head. You straighten up, putting your hands down. You feel bolder. He’s sort of asked you out, he’s called you pretty, he smells like you, you’re wearing his jacket, he’s staring at your mouth. No risky half-joke is gonna get rid of you now. Probably.

“I’m not gonna lie to you, just so you’ll fuck me, Carm.”

It’s like, a sleeper agent activates, in his brain. Like you’ve done the fucking Konami code. He goes from nerve wracked to nerve wracking. Reaching over the console, fast, hand on the back of your head, pulling you while also meeting you in the middle— And he’s about to go for it, not give you a second to reject him, before he thinks better. Well, kind of.

Holding you there, “I’m going to kiss you.” It’s not posed as a question, but it’s functioning as one.

You stare, wide eyed, taking in his features. Taking in his already waning confidence. “…Sure.”

And he does. And he’s realizing, as he pushes you towards him, pressing his mouth to yours, that this is so so so different, from Claire. You are not going to distract him— In a good way. You wouldn’t let him. You’re prioritizing him, even when that means you need to wait on him. You want to know him, first. He wants to know you. You were being funny, sure, when you said you wouldn’t lie to fuck him— But God, think of how much that means. He sure is. And now, that he knows you have so much respect for his work, his mind, his body, and are happy to just get to know him as a friend first—to give him the space and time he needs— He immediately wishes he'd never asked for said space.

He's holding your head to him, unyielding—Unless you signalled otherwise, but you haven’t yet. At the same time, he’s also pushing your shoulder back, pushing you back, leaning over the center console. He's realizing he's never really gotten the idea of wanting to give oneself and take another. He’s taking in everything, taking everything you’re willing to give.

He knows your conviction well enough, at this point, when it comes to others. He’s asked for time, and that essentially means, the second he stops, he’s going to be locked off from doing this again. He has to give everything—then take everything he can. Ration it out, over weeks. God, what if it’s months? You wouldn’t hold this from him for months, surely?

You tap his neck, gently, and he swears he hears— Feels a gasp. A moan? Don’t think about it. He pulls away, just a few centimetres. He smells like you. He still smells like you. Staring. Soft, scary, eye contact. It’s two in the morning, your makeup has melted, your lip gloss has evaporated, but it doesn’t look like it. No. They’re perfectly wet, blush pink bottom lip. Don’t think about it. He thinks about it; he doesn’t think about his next sentence. You speak at the same time, and for the first time, don’t say the same thing.

“Do you wanna come up?”

“You’ve gotta go, Carmy.”

He shakes his head; you can’t be serious. You’re so sweet, and now you’d be so cruel? You laugh at him, incredulous. He swallows, correcting himself, “Come up and—And sleepover, just that. Make you breakfast, again.” He kisses you, again, selfish. He knows that. He’s at peace with it.

“Carmy,” Good start, that deserves a kiss. “—as much as I’d love to see your apartment—”

“You’d hate it.” He cuts you off, God, it looks like you’re gonna keep talking, and he’s going to have to respect that. He switches to your jawline. “I don’t have a bookshelf.”

“You— Hold on, you don’t have a bookshelf, Carmen?”

“Don’t say my name like that.”

“Don’t bite! How many books do you have?”

“Ninety-one. Cookbooks. I narrowed down for the move.”

“Where do you— Christ— Keep ninety-one books?”

“Floor.”

“Floor?!”

“I told you you’d hate it.”

“I don’t hate it, I just— You deserve to have nice things.”

He pulls back again, staring at you, practically wheezing he’s breathing so heavy. He thinks on it for a second, this time. He wants nice things, too. You make him believe he deserves nice things. You're why he took a chance, took a risk, and told you he wanted to see if more could happen. He believes he deserves nice things. Nice you.“Come up.”

This motherfucker is evil, you think. He’s asked you to hold a conviction, asked you to hold a level of patience, for him. And you’re trying so hard to hold that conviction— While he’s actively trying to make you break it the second he’s decreed it. You’re hanging by a thread here. You cradle his face in both hands, kissing him on your own accord, this time. He takes this as meaning he’s supposed to go insane again. You laugh, and that makes it hard for him to not laugh too, which makes it hard to kiss you.

“Carmy.” You hold him back by his shoulders, just slightly. Giggling. You’re smiling, he can get you to fold, if he puts his mind to it. “You’ve got Syd coming over in the morning, all week—”

“Not until noon.”

“Baby, not the point.” Oh, pet names. Good. You called him Sweetheart when he was locked in the freezer, and that was all his brain had to work with until now. God, why did he say he wanted to get to know you first? You can do two things at the same time. You're multi-faceted.

“The sooner—” You wheeze, looking at him, he looks insane. “The sooner you go get sleep, the sooner the morning will come, the week will go by, you’ll start being able to pay yourself, soon enough. I’ll become your bar back, you’ll be able to take time for yourself, and you’ll ask me out.”

He stares at you, thinking. “…I don’t think it’d go any faster—” “Carmen!” You squeeze his face with one hand. “Bedtime!”

He nods, finally, escaping his fugue state. “Okay.” He reaches into the back to grab his grocery bags. Christ, don’t look at the midriff, motherfucker, lock in! Lock it in!

You start to peel off his jean jacket to return it, he’s quick to stop you.

“Keep it. Wear it to work. Til you quit.” He looks at you, considering something once again, groceries in hand. “…Wear this too.”

After he finally gets out, and you wave to him from your window, waiting for him to get inside safely. You drive off, heading home. You take a long fucking breath. Slowly, your motor skills and cognitive abilities return to you.

You take one hand off the steering wheel, fishing out your rope chord necklace from your pocket. You rub your thumb over the plastic pendant, a year-old self-soothing method, by now.

You think about something Mikey said off-handedly, quite often, you squint, staring at the road ahead, perplexed, driving home with the first hickey you’ve had in a minute. You shout out in your car, pleading for an answer from beyond the grave here.

“Mikey, are you sure he’s a virgin?!”

Before we even, start here-- Number one, I'm sure you've forgotten at this point, but I will eat that lightbulb, motherfucker-- I just wrote 8k, I need my k of thoughts in return!! What'd you like! What stuck out to you! Favourite lines/moments!

What even happened in this chapter, deadass, I can't remember it all. Let's try to summarize.

Birth (woah!)

Mikey talks, a lil more of their friendship revealed, cute

Syd and Tony being cute as hell. Speaking of, I'm Desi, so I write Tony like a WOC-- I don't think it makes a huge difference to their dynamic, but I felt like noting it. Oh, Tony's gift!! Collar pins!!

Jacket exchange program, fr.

We would've been friends in highschool.

Why!!! You wanna ask me out!!!??? (crashes car)

Haha, what if you worked for me? (imagines a full perfect life together) I'm so normal.

(buys the brand of body wash you like) (specifically doesn't get the one that could give you a headache after a prolonged period of time) (even if it's the relaxing one) This is what normal people do.

Paramedic/Chicago's Kindest backstory!

(pseudo) ASKS OUT!! TENATIVELY!! REALLY JUST GOT SO FUCKING SCARED BY THE IDEA OF YOU GOING ON A DATE WITH SOMEONE TONIGHT THAT HE HAD TO TAKE THE PLUNGE.

kith.

That was the coin flip, btw. Hehehe. Heads he goes full smooch, Tails you go 'alright, sick, see u later', and he leaves. I could see it going either way. Carmen's a reserved guy. I knew I was going to make him state his interest, because I wanted to try out a lil something new. In the past, I've had the climax of a romance be 'omg we like each other how nice', and I wanted to try out the idea of these two knowing they like each other, and basically trying to maintain that. Thought it'd be fun.

Oh, this one's serious. I gotta know-- Good kiss? God I feel like someone's first boyfriend. I do not write sequences of intimacy. I go 'they fucking kiss, hurray, next scene'. And so, I really gave it my all here. I hope it turned out. I think Carm and Tony had so much tension piled on top of so much trauma that it simply couldn't have not been so feral.

Anyways, I expect an essay on my desk tomorrow. Thesis statements with supporting evidence, motherfucker. I love u. I hope u liked it <3

I start my job next week so I'm trying to write as much as possible before then, lmao.

Next Part

[byerseason]

my personal opinions on byler & mike’s character

most people believe mike is clueless or at least he just suspects will’s feelings. well, sometimes i agree with that but in general i think mike knows. actually he always knew. let’s look at everything from the beginning.

both mike and will always lived in a small town full of homophobia. we know will personally experienced homophobia from his dad and other people in hawkins. mike and will are friends since kindergarten and mike obviously witnessed all of these homophobia will went through. maybe mike experienced it too, we know ted said “see what happens?” for a reason. especially with lonnie, mike witnessed everything he did to will, we all know will shares everything with mike. so from their point of view, this thing called “homosexuality” is something really bad and all it causes is harm and hate. it’s something forbidden.

now let’s see what happened in all seasons. in season 1, a cool girl magically comes into mike’s life and shows interest in him. “you’re blind, because a girl is not grossed out by you” now mike has a chance to be normal like people expect him to be. and he’s a child, it’s not that deep. he can try. no deep feelings, no love, just be normal.

in season 2 this chance is taken away from mike leaving a trauma to him. after all, el was special and he cares for her so much. and the fact that she sacrificed herself just to save him and his friends is not something we can overlook. and adding to this trauma, something really bad is happening to will and they don’t even know what is it and how to fix it. he does his best, he never leaves his side because it’s something a good friend would do right? it wasn’t that forbidden thing the adults get angry about and it shouldn’t be. after el’s return and will being safe, mike had this chance again. el was here, she was incredible, a superhero who saved will and the world, and she was ready to be in a relationship with him. snowball scene was mike telling will “i’m moving on, you should move on too or we will get hurt by this.” because you know, these things always hurt will and nothing else.

in season 3, mike continues to this “moving on” as we can clearly see. this time a little bit grown up, or at least trying to grow up. distancing himself from will and all his friends, focusing on el all the time and for some reason not being able to maintain a friendship with will while dating el. this speaks volumes actually. it’s both him trying to be normal as expected and distancing himself from will to make sure he is normal too. to me that’s all the “it’s not my fault you don’t like girls.” scene. while mike is fighting back, will makes it harder for both of them without realizing it. i think -like everyone- the ending of season 3 was mike realizing it’s not working and it’s getting serious. he’s growing up, they’re growing up and everything is becoming clearer.

will and el moving to california was a new chance for mike. he ignored will, well at least he tried even though it’s clear he felt his absence especially in school, he didn’t reach out to him thinking maybe this is the chance for both of them to move on. and then el’s letter happened. mike thought will really did it, he moved on, he was able to move on while mike isn’t. if we think deeper, he is even working on a painting for her, something he used to do with mike. so yeah, will is normal, it worked for will, while mike is still dealing with this. when they reunite i think it was much more than just jealousy. disappointment, anger maybe? especially after he saw he brought the painting to the airport. apparently will wasn’t planning on giving all his attention to mike, who was visiting him after months, but he was planning to give the painting to the girl he likes, it was probably the reason of his excitement, not mike. so this is what makes mike want to focus on el more and ignore will during rinkomania scenes. when el mentions angela and will gives a reaction to this, mike is sure he was right and this day is about angela for will.

but he finds out he was wrong. well, the painting is still for a girl but at least he was wrong about angela. will was just upset because mike was being lied to, and he was hurt by mike being distant from him. this is what leads mike to sincerely apologize to will, as always. he always does that, if will says “where is dustin right now?” mike realizes his mistake and tries to fix it. if will says “we used to be best friends” mike realizes his mistake and offers to be best friends again. that’s all their dynamic about.

after mike and el’s fight, mike comes and explains what happened to will but it’s more like he is asking for an advice, he wants will to understand him. “it was a fight that you can’t come back from.” he wants will to agree but he doesn’t, this is when we start to understand mike’s inner struggles. he brings up this topic to will three times. none of these conversations are like two best friends giving each other relationship advices because mike never tells will what is the problem. for some reason he doesn’t want will to know he can’t tell her girlfriend that he loves her. we all know will and mike are sincere enough to tell these things to each other, they always do. but if he can’t, there must be a reason. maybe mike himself doesn’t know the answer either, maybe he doesn’t want will to understand his situation because he thinks will successfully moved on, who knows?

in the desert scene, he brings the topic up again, without mentioning what is “that thing”, but this time will seems like he understands. “sometimes, i think it’s just scary to open up like that, to say how you really feel, especially to the people you care about the most.” mike never mentioned he is struggling to say how he feels but will understand, he always did. this conversation would continue with mike opening up to will if it wasn’t interrupted, so mike brings it up once again for the third time, in the van scene.

this time he is being more open but he is still struggling to say one thing, which will completes for him “you’re scared of losing her.” well, mike was wrong. will wasn’t getting it until.. the painting scene. mike is not stupid, he knows will spent days working on it. he knows eleven doesn’t know about what this painting is about. he knows he doesn’t make el feel like “she is not a mistake at all” especially after their fight, remember that line from the script “she’s already beginning to understand she doesn’t need me, i saw it in her eyes” he knows el doesn’t need him, he knows will well enough to understand he is lying. the way he looks at will admiringly is him thinking “he didn’t move on, we’re still the same.” and also him being aware of what will is doing for him, breaking his own heart and sacrificing himself just to make mike feel better. also, he notices will is sobbing, he looks at him and even if he didn’t how could he not? he had tears in his eyes during all the monologue and he was sobbing right next to him. so is there any reason for mike to not say anything to his best friend sobbing next to him if he didn’t know the reason? the mike i know would immediately ask what was wrong if he was clueless. he knows why will is crying but he doesn’t know what to do about it. mike’s situation is pretty sad when you think about it, he probably feels like he’s stuck.

then we have the desert reunion scene. this time we clearly can see how stuck he feels between el and will, he doesn’t know how to get out of this without hurting any of them, and also himself. the way he looks at them looks like also him being afraid of damaging their bond.

then the monologue scene.. this scene may mean lots of different things, i am not sure either.

it may be mike being aware of what will is doing, how he is sacrificing himself once again, how mike is gonna have to lie and hurt everyone in the end, how the things are gonna be way more complicated or mike realizing he was wrong about thinking will has feelings for him.

my season 5 expectation is seeing a mike wheeler who stops fighting back and embraces his feelings, without hurting both of them.

that’s my point of view that changes almost everyday lol. i don’t know if there are many people who believes mike isn’t clueless so i wanted to share my thoughts. 💛

[stoat-party]

Big fan of The Charon Situation being just so incurably screwed up. If ever there were a person equipped to have full control over an adult man’s free will, it’s definitely not the Lone Wanderer. Even the most educated, well-meaning, and genuinely righteous LW couldn’t handle the responsibility. She’s a teenager raised in an insular totalitarian ant farm who’s suddenly been thrust into a world with no authorities, no guidance.

Which creates a wonderful dynamic with Charon. If Ahzrukhal is to be believed, he was raised this way - he never had the chance to be an adult, taking risks, shouldering responsibility, gaining independence. His parents probably weren’t in the picture for long. I imagine his lack of agency causes him to be emotionally immature sometimes - how can you learn to solve problems like an adult if all the adults in your life treat you like a weapon or a dog or a houseplant?

This guy has to be so screwed up in every way. According to the game guide, he just doesn’t sleep?? Or Azzy never let him sleep? He has that idiosyncratic formal speech pattern, he worries a lot, and the only personal detail we know about him is that guns make him happy. He also kind of openly hates the player’s guts sometimes (he’s sarcastic when given certain commands, is joyfully mean about the GECK, and basically sentences you to death in the non-canon base game ending). No matter how hard the LW tries, some damaged part of him will always resent her authority. She could be a thousand times kinder, fairer, and more just than all his previous employers combined, but she’s still one of them. He still doesn’t have free will.

That power is illegitimate for a reason. There’s no way not to misuse it eventually, especially for a teenager with endless stress and trauma of her own. You’re fighting and you tell him to shut up so you can have the last word. You get a significant other and he gets left home with the dog some nights. You take a quest path he doesn’t approve of and he has to grit his teeth and go along with it.

It’s not fair, can never be fair, and that’s the perfect dynamic to explore. Because as much as he hates her, he loves her too. She literally saved him from Hell on earth, gave him the opportunity to be a force for good. He’s not dumb, he knows that the problem is the contract, not her. Over the years they’ll mature together and learn how to fix a lot of these problems. There are so many unique challenges to creating a healthy relationship out of… that.

(A lot of writers have the contract get destroyed, especially for 😉 reasons. There’s nothing in the game indicating that can’t happen, and it works fine for their purposes. I just think it’s more fun for it to be a continuous obstacle.)

[777rare]

☀️ASTROLOGY OBSERVATIONS PT.2💥

disclaimer :

DO NOT READ FURTHUR IF YOU ARE A MINOR!!

THIS CONTAINS MENTIONING OF seggs and bad words so please scroll if ur below 18+

THESE NOTES ARE ONLY A STUDY OF MINE AND HAS/HAS NOT BEEN PROVEN YET, SO IF IT DOES NOT RESONATE WITH YOU, FORGIVE ME AS IT WAS ONLY A STUDY/OBSERVATION OF MINE.

I DO NOT PILRIMIZE, COPY OR REWORD ANY OF MY FELLOW ASTROLOGY OBSERVERS POSTS AND I DEMAND THE SAME IN RETURN

Mercury in 1st house natives are very talkative beings lmao🙊

Mars in fixed signs(AQUARIUS,LEO,TAURUS,SCORPIO) won't take anybodys shit no matter what..if somebody ain't treating em right, they're always ready to fight back

Mars in cardinal signs(CAPRICORN,CANCER,LIBRA,ARIES) can control their temper and toleration levels when somebody's acting all shitty but when they can't take it anymore, you're done for.

Mars in mutable signs (PISCES,GEMINI,SAGITTARIUS,VIRGO) will most of the time tolerate ur shit and get pissed off internally. They won't show it although they do sometimes, its mostly always internal. suppressed anger and frustration.

Apollo-venus/neptune folks are very admiring. Apollo-venus/ 8th house people are charming and alluring whereas apollo-neptune/ 12th house people have ethereal or outwardly beauty. Apollo aspecting ascendant are attractive too. Ex: alexia demie has Apollo quintile venus, zendaya has Apollo in 8th house.

Adams-sun/moon/asc/Mc natives have a very masculine character or mascular body in a man's chart ex: Chris evans has Adam's trine sun, Dwayne Johnson has Adam's sextile moon.

people with aura/ascendant in harsh aspects with moon(esp. Square) could mean people sense ur aura/ energy to be "too emotional" or "cold ass bitch" vibe. the tension in these aspects can also manifest according to the placements, degrees and other aspects.

natives with sirene conjunct jupiter could have such a raw seducing energy and lots n lots of it by the way! They tend to have a very mysterious,sexy,alluring touch to them. its like they have this "cremé dé lá cremé" persona blended in them..it's just so fucking hot..I also feel these natives catch too much attention sometimes even when they don't intend on trying to catch anyone's attention. It can sometimes get really annoying for them too.

In your varuna persona chart usually I feel the native is born to gain world wide fame if their sun/moon conjunct asteroid varuna.

Melete-chiron/sun/moon/asc harsh aspects tend to become victims of anxiety disorders, panic attacks. Check the houses and signs to get more insight as well. Ex: zendaya has melete semi square moon and sesquiquadrate ascendant

Lacrimosa in 12th house natives emotions gets overwhelming when they're in bed or at night. These people could feel overwhelmed with grief and sadness at times and cry themselves to sleep

chiron in aquarius/ 11th house, can show a native getting severely wounded or experiencing trauma, anxiety, grief because of online platforms, social media, technology, anything techno like phones,laptops etc.also these natives never have good, honest friendships. It's always fake friends and getting cheated or left out by friends. These natives should be very careful when it comes to making friends as well. Ex: I have this placement and when I was 10 yrs old, my closest friend food poisoned me. still don't know why.

Saturn-venus natives are beautiful but it's somewhat of an energy that's sleeping in them or yet to sprout. These natives need to put in some self love and work to glow up, especially showing themselves love.these natives tend to dislike the way they look or always try to find some flaw in themselves but their beauty will truly shine only when they begin to love themselves and work on themselves more. (Esp. Harsh aspects)

Virgo lilith natives have a very reserved sex appeal. These people tend to be very picky and minimalistic when it comes to their sexual partners.people most of the time assume these natives to have less knowledge about sex but deep down these natives are just crazy internally. You'll know it when you meet a virgo lilith native.🤠💫Aspects and houses can differ too.

I feel like asteroids in special degrees 11°, 22°,0° also have a really strong or special effect on the native.

sun-mercury natives always look younger than their age. The native can also be very childish even after ageing so much.

Planets in Scorpio sign or where your scorpio is placed is where you keep things hidden, out of reach from others or have deep information about. Thats why when scorpio falls on someones ascendant they are seen as very mysterious and secretive. Ex: I have scorpio over 8th house and i keep my sexual life hidden(8H= sex,money,etc), my brother has scorpio in 3rd house and he knows a lot about my past than my mom, and also about the people in our neighborhood(3H= siblings,neighbours), my mother has scorpio moon so she does hide her emotions a lot. My sister has scorpio jupiter and she does lots and lots of researching and has a lot of knowledge about books and countries that most of the people don't know about.not even me🙂.

Pallas-ascendant(positive aspects) natives look wise and mature

Lots of planets aspecting to chiron can show a native who has been wounded so so many times in their life.

Sokrates conjunct neptune or in pisces/scorpio/ in 8th/12th house natives love deep conversations.they hate small talk and just wanna go so so deep.

Pallas conjunct neptune natives have so much spiritual wisdom.

Tone-pluto natives tend to have a raspy,deep touch to their voice.

Asteroids mentioned above :

apollo - 1862

Adams- 1996

Aura - 1488

Sirene - 1009

Varuna - 20000

Melete - 56

Lacrimosa - 208

Feel free to reblog and tag me when you do❤🙌🏻 Hope you all enjoyed. Thankyou.bye!❤ have a great day ahead!🏝☀️

[thursdayinspace]

This moment. This kiss. The amount of things going on here. It packs such a punch. This is a turning point, and this is an instance where they are not communicating their true feelings and know about it. Because what they need to say is simply too difficult. They are well aware of the cracks in their relationship, but they love each other too damned much to deal with them. Which is so human. I mean, do I like the fact that they're heading towards separation? Of course not. Do I buy it? Absolutely.

They have been through so much. Trauma heaped upon trauma. Death, death scares, abductions, the loss of their child, everything they've seen and done. On top of that now, there is his isolation. Nobody can carry somebody else's happiness on their shoulders all on their own. It breaks you. It's too much. But those two have always been there for each other. Always. And the very fact that they only have each other means they can't acknowledge the fragility of what they have, not even their own fragility, because they're aware of the other one's wounds and don't want to burden them with theirs, for fear of breaking the only thing they have.

And at this point, they know they have been quiet for too long. They have arrived at a point where talking simply won't fix it anymore. And what is so painful about that is that they love each other more than ever. All of that is in this moment. He tells her they can go away, just the two of them. He's begging her to stay, to turn their backs on everything and start over. She looks at him like she wants to believe him so badly, wants to believe that they can run from the darkness.

That kiss is so heartbreaking and beautiful because it's hope and despair at the same time. He's telling her that he knows things are broken between them, but they're still them, they've always made it through everything together. And she's telling him that this isn't them anymore. She wants to stay, but she just can't see how. The one thing they agree on: they don't want this to end.

The way she's crying into the kiss. The way he is so gentle with her. It looks like a kiss goodbye from her, and from him it looks almost like a wedding kiss, as if he'd just promised her forever. And in a way, he has. And in a way, she has too. It's an affirmation of love, of undying devotion, and of clinging with all their strength to something that they can feel slipping away.

They are still so desperately in love with each other, and they can't imagine being apart for even just a day. But the sad truth is that love is not always enough. They have taken terrible care of themselves. Just like you're supposed to put on your own oxygen mask first in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, you have to take care of your own well-being if you want to be able to take care of somebody else. They need each other like they need air. But they also can't go on like this.

I firmly believe that post-revival, they will be together forever. They will get their happy ending. But after everything they've been through and after years of pretending like they can take care of themselves and each other, it makes sense for them to arrive at this point. And still it is heartbreaking to see. They are it for each other. They're each other's person. But sometimes, that is not enough. (And sometimes, you still find your way back to each other and finally find a way to make it work. And they will.)

[residenthughes]

square one

pairing: leon kennedy x gender neutral reader

word count: 1.6K

tags/warnings: fluff, domestic fluff, some angst, leon's dealing with some insecurities (acne) :(

summary: leon's always struggled with acne. a recent flareup brings up more than he bargained for.

notes: think i saw a post about the texture of leon's skin in the re4r, as well as a headcannon that he sometimes picks at his skin and idk, just felt compelled to write this. i struggled (still do) with hyperpigmentation from acne, so this was low-key self-indulgent (and me projecting, sorry leon 😭) so enjoy(?) the fruits of that! one more exam and i'll be active again (in between celebrating any chance that i get that exams are over) hope you enjoy! :)

He feels like a teenager again.

Full of angst and riddled with insecurity. There’s so much curiosity in his eyes, fingers gingerly grazing against the scarlet surface of his cheek with inflamed pimples. Leon thought he outgrew this. Despite the occasional picking at his skin when submerged in the anxieties that live rent free in his mind, his skin remained relatively calm rain or shine. It’s worst was when he was in high school, so awkward and unsure of everything. Redness dotted against his face, he felt like puberty brought out the worst in him, forced him to grow in a body now foreign to him, navigate the unknown territory that were his new feelings. It’s a time that isn’t all that nostalgic for him and when he stands in your shared bathroom, long into his adulthood - 27 years old - staring into his reflection, his life flashes before his eyes. He’s right back where he was. Nerdy and hesitant. 

He feels so small.

“Hey,” your call for his attention is soft, doused in all gentleness you can muster as you quietly observe your partner from the door frame. “You ok? Tea’s getting cold.”

Leon huffs in annoyance, not meaning to but when his eyes catch sight of how inflamed his skin is, it takes him gnawing inside his cheek to stop himself from spiralling. It’s so silly, insignificant even. Leon never really cared much for his appearance as an adult. Reminded fairly neutral in regards to himself, stance never swayed despite those that fell to his feet bewitched by his devastatingly good looks. His stance shifted when you two met. Suddenly, he was a teenager again, but in a good way. Do I smell good? Is my hair ok? Am I overdressed? All these little curiosities combated by the love you embrace him in. He doesn’t become confident - your love is not a fix-all remedy for years of trauma and insecurity. But he becomes more sure of himself, reassured and loved wholly. He picks up his own pieces, slowly but surely. You simply steer him in the right direction. A beautiful thing, a lovely thing.

In spite of this beautiful thing, Leon can get in his own way sometimes. Stares at his reflection too long when he’s been spiralling and simply meets your gaze with a vulnerability reserved only for you. “Skin’s been acting up.”

“Honey,” you approach him cautiously, like he’s made of porcelain and Leon leans into the gentleness without a care in the world. Your hands never make contact with him, knowing any touch might open the floodgates of emotional turmoil that slowly seep into his bloodstream, poisonous and harrowing in nature. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

He grimaces, eyes avoiding yours as he shrinks into himself. “Been a stressful week is all.”

Leon flashes an unconvincing smile, puffing out a beat of laughter that is all but amused. “Guess this is the result of it, huh?”

Your heart sinks. You remember when this came up early in your relationship. You were often seeing each other, whether it was to go out on the town dressed to the nines or lounge around and snack on whatever junk food (of which there was very little in Leon’s apartment) you two could find. He refused to see you, citing long work days and the lack of energy they left him with as his reasons. You respected his wishes, giving him his space and all the time he needed before finding his way back to you. However, you couldn’t ignore the voice at the back of your head, nudging you towards him with pleas of assurance. Reassurance that he was ok and wasn’t deserting you for reasons you could help with.

You bumped into him on his way back from the grocery store.

Against his better judgement, Leon needed to restock his shelves with leafy greens to rid himself quickly of the acne against his cheeks. He knew you were at work, so he took his chance and sped ran through the isles, mask pulled up to his eyes as he simply went about his business. Packing his grocery bags quickly and making big steps towards his car, only to run into you in the parking lot.

He expects you to drop your belongings. Dramatises the whole scene in his head, imagines your face twisting in disgust and murmuring a half-hearted excuse to leave the conversation early to block his number because his insecurities have gotten the best of him and he can’t think any worse of himself than he is now. 

It’s all fiction, the tragic story he paints in his head. Sees you give a small smile, cautious and coy.

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” he muses, the awkwardness of his predicament leaving him with nothing but the desire for the ground to swallow him whole. “Would have dressed up a bit.”

You laugh a bit, easing the pain but Leon still wants to leave regardless, foot pointed away from you with his body slightly turning towards the direction of his car.

You take note of his body language and make the conversation flow as casually as possible. “Yeah, I got off work early and was actually gonna pick up some things to come see you.”

“See me?” 

“Yeah, think it’s to be expected to want to see your partner.” you joke lightheartedly, eying the tension that leaves Leon’s shoulders as they relax back from his ears. 

“That’s sweet of you,” Leon starts. “But, I’ve gotta head back to the office…printer’s jammed.”

“Again?”

It ‘jammed’ last week. Along with some other atrocities that left Leon MIA all last week and this week too. It’s not too long to question, but the distance between you is growing unlike times before. It unsettles you.

“Can’t work that thing to save my life. So, it’s my obligation to fix it.”

“Leon,” you’re seeing through his act, calling for the denouement to the charade Leon orchestrates. He feels sickly doing this - this isn’t what you deserve, he knows that. But, during one of scarce times in his life that he’s self-conscious, is it so horrible to want to be left alone? “You’ve been a bit MIA recently. You sure you’re holding up alright?”

He questions for a moment telling you. Disclosing his recent flare up because he knows it isn’t a bad deal, especially with you who nurtures a safe space for him to call home. And he does, he goes to tell you, but in a desperate attempt for closeness, you step forwards and he’s stepping back and suddenly there’s a deafening silence between the two of you.

“I didn’t mean-”

“It’s ok,” you reassure, time and time again. His heart hurts from the constant push and pull that plagues your relationship. It wasn’t something you had to deal with. “Just talk to me. Please?”

It’s different seeing you like this. Over text, it’s easier (but not impossible) to tap away at the screen and desert his phone, submerging himself in work to fend off any thoughts that attempt to crawl into his brain. But you’re here, right in front of him. Eyes soft and so unbearably honest with your state of being. It tears him up inside. Makes him acknowledge every attempt to distance himself from you and never do it again if the same circumstances arose.

Leon makes the situation right. Approaches you despite the screams at the back of his head and heads back to his apartment with you sitting in the passenger seat, describing the acne flare ups that in spite of the demons he faces on his missions, makes him react like no other. You comfort him as best as possible, listening to every word he says and not bothering with unsolicited advice or shallow comments that won’t help the situation. You simply craft an evening filled with distractions, all his favourite in-home activities whilst showering him with all the affection he’s missed. And when it comes time to wash up and settle into bed, you make light of the situation, giving him one of the Sanrio headbands you had left in his apartment as you two clean up for the night, the space and comfort you give him enough for him to crawl into your arms under the covers and never let go. It’s an act of service, a day, that he’ll never forget. One that allows him to bare himself to you, years later, and let you take the reins because this, on top of the travesties he’s encountered far too often lately, have made him feel like a shell of himself. 

“It’s hard to keep up with everything when you’re so busy, isn’t it?” He nods. “You’ve been working hard, always have. Saving the world isn’t an easy feat, you know?”

He laughs, this time around humoured. “I wouldn’t exactly say that.”

“Well, whatever you do,” he laughs again and you can see him slowly coming back to you. You flash him a smile, a smile that holds timeless tales of your love story and his heart begins to warm. “It’s perfectly normal to get some R&R afterwards. It’s well deserved, especially in your case.”

He simpers, now having worked up the nerve to look into your eyes and in them, sees that dazzle. The same dazzle from your first glance, from your first confession. Even at his lowest, the dazzle remains. Your love, unwavering. There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for you, all of which he does when he feels like himself again. Showers you in abundance and more because that’s what you deserve and more.

“How about I run us a hot bath? You can tell me all about the printer jamming whilst I wash your hair, yeah?” 

He feels like a teenager again. This time, abundant in all the love he has for you.

[paradoxicalrising]

Astrology Observations :)

preface: this is my first time doing this, these are all either my personal placements or I've had multiple experiences with a certain placement. none of this is absolute, pretty pls take it with a grain of salt, these are very general. Every single one of these placements depend on aspects in an individuals chart. WARNING: some 18+ topics. Enjoy :)

Mercury in the 8th house: naturally good at reading people, interested in psychology, religion, spirituality, astrology. chronic over thinkers + intrusive thoughts galore. could either really enjoy giving/ receiving head and/or dirty talk, reading smut.

Pisces Mars: sweethearts on the surface, usually soft-spoken or doesn’t talk much, spends more time observing or making up scenarios. also another overthinking placement. could also be someone who does drugs/ drinks alcohol. excels in the entertainment industries (film, theatre, music, art etc). either have a piss kink, foot fetish, or demisexual. 

Scorpio Venus: intense lovers. my ex had this placement and told me he’d die for me only knowing me 3 months. my sister also has this placement and will not eat dinner without her husband (could be the taurus opposition = not eating (taurus) until lover (Venus) is around), I think it’s a symbol of loyalty. once this placement finds value in someone, they are ride or die type loyal until you betray them. may stay in relationships longer than they should because it’s fixed emotion unless they finally see it themselves.

Cancer Moon (men specifically): I've had 3 cancer moon men take me to the beach on our first date. they’re always gassing themselves up on their cooking skills. their moms can be really restricting, especially those with Saturn in cancer as well. I've also seen their moms be really detached, cold, basically telling them to fend for themselves. highly intuitive but may get too caught up in the potential of a situation/ person and being disappointed when reality is different. hopeless romantics fr just throwing themselves into anyone they have a good feeling about without the physical proof.

Fixed Rising: the RBF (I love y’all). 

Vedic v. Tropical Astrology: honestly I think they’re both valid, and everyone should decide what placements resonate more with who they feel they are. Ex: I  have Venus, Jupiter, and my Sun in the 7th in Virgo (Tropical) but they’re in the 8th in Leo (Vedic). I feel more of the 8th house but in Virgo.

Pisces moons: I never feel like they’re listening to me if they aren’t looking at me because when they’re looking at me I can literally see them digesting the info w/ their dreamy eyes, but when they look away I just know they’re imagining some kind of fantasy that has nothing to do with the convo. 

Libra Moons: try to be soft and sweet but they have that fiery underside. I've noticed they’ll get all excited and sometimes aggressive and then apologize for it, like no girl look at you having a good time. they usually look aesthetically pleasing, you will never catch them not matching/ lookin raggedy in public, but they won’t judge others for it, Virgo and Taurus will haha.

Virgo + Libra: specifically rising + degrees, moon, or Venus combo usually have clear, healthy looking skin, especially after high school w/o all the teen acne hormones. 

Moon Conjunct Pluto: anyone else noticed the effect these placements have on their peers? it’s so weird but people are like magnetized to whatever house this placement is in. I guess cos it’s generational and yk it’s Pluto, but people around this placement can’t help but be enticed by these individuals. could be amazing actors if they can harness those dark emotions into a piece of work. these are the type of people to succeed out of spite of their trauma; very determined people. they can put such dark emotions into easy actions and words that others find hard to say out loud but they don’t shy away from dark stuff, they’ve dealt with darker topics since they were young.

Neptune in the 1st house: people constantly projecting onto these placements ! it’s important these people form a ground sense of self they can remind themselves of when they feel like someone is protecting on them. I have this placement and someone told me I was intoxicating to be around/ they felt intoxicated around me though they are sober. I fr think people get drunk off the illusion of this placement. These people are never what people say they are, if you want to get to know them I beg of you to please talk to them yourself instead of listening to others opinion of them. the women are cursed with the manic pixie dream girl trope. hella sex appeal bc of the blurred perceptions. make amazing actors/ musicians. very intuitive placement, but can doubt themselves.

[urdepressedslut]

Void

♡ Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Hydra!Fem!Reader/The Winter Soldier x Hydra!Fem!Reader

♡ Summary: Working as a nurse at HYDRA, you find yourself intervening when you catch Alexander Pierce striking The Asset. You don’t even know this man, but you can’t just stand and watch him be beat down.

♡ Warnings: violence, angst, mentions of guns, unwanted touching, mentions buckys trauma, poor sweet bucky

You took your place as the caboose in the group of people, lingering behind as you ducked your head, avoiding the judgmental stares from the guards.

Sometimes you wondered if anyone even knew your name. You were practically invisible. You stayed out of everyone’s way, never attempting to make conversation. You learned your place here, you were not to speak out, your thoughts and opinions meaning nothing.

You were only ever useful or needed when The Asset needed to be fixed up. You were efficient in your work, cleaning and stitching wounds with expertise. Despite your shaky hands that came with the pressure and anxiety sometimes, you were good at what you did. But it was rare that anyone ever praised you for your hard work, not that you were ever expecting a thanks, but it would be appreciated.

You were not blind to HYDRA’s motives, but you were also in a dangerous position to speak out. HYDRA had control of your life, you were shackled to them.

You had no family left, only your uncle, who happened to be one of the leaders of HYDRA.

Alexander Pierce.

Although he was your blood, he never felt like family. Treating you like someone under him, ordering you around, forcing you to follow him. It felt fair to not even consider him family, as far as you knew, your family were dead.

“Move it, girl.” One of the guards snapped, noticing your pace slowing while you were stuck in your thoughts.

Speed walking to catch up, you swallowed nervously as you approached closer to your destination.

The sound of commotion could be heard ahead, just outside the room. Your hands were clammy, making it difficult to hold your supplies tightly.

The group separated to the sides, leaving you a cleared path to enter. The sudden attention on you had your heart pounding, your chest rising and falling erratically.

You shuffled from foot to foot, hesitating, frozen in your spot. Your chest started to ache, and you cursed yourself that this wasn’t the time for a panic attack.

“Go now!” The guard closest to your right yelled, making you flinch back.

Bowing your head apologetically, you forced your feet to move into the room. The atmosphere immediately tense, the air thick with machinery fumes. It was when you entered the room completely, you allowed yourself to look up. Taking in the scrawny handlers scattered around the room, their expressions blown in fear. Armed guards fenced the room, their weapons pointed at the defensive man in the middle. The Asset.

You felt like you had entered at the wrong time, things seeming to be a tiny bit chaotic.

Your gaze fell upon the tense man, his muscles flexing with what seemed like panic. You didn’t know this man very well, only having fixed him once or twice before, but the far away look he always wore, saddened you.

From what you could tell from your time here, was that he was loyal. Never speaking unless asked to, really quick to follow orders. He rarely acted human, and you were beginning to wonder if he even was. He was emotionless, despite his occasional sadness and rage. But it was the slightest ghost of emotion, that you’d miss if you blinked.

You couldn’t help yourself from feeling bad, the restraints and many guards proving he was to be tamed. Meaning he was probably being kept here against his will. That thought made your stomach twist.

It didn’t surprise you, coming from HYDRA, you knew they were known to take things to drastic measures. Willing to do whatever it takes. You felt sick to even lift a hand in helping them, but again, you didn’t really have a choice. Either help stitch a few wounds or die a painful death. Or worse, become a robot like The Asset, being controlled by HYDRA’s hands.

Scanning his body, you didn’t seem to find any open wounds. A crease formed in between your brows, wondering why you were here if there wasn’t any wound for you to fix.

Turning to the closest guard, you anxiously met their hardened gaze.

“Excuse me… What am I supposed to—”

“Calm him down.” The guard snapped, focusing his glare back on The Asset.

You furrowed your brows even more, you were a nurse, not a counselor.

“I don’t know what you—”

“Calm. Him. Down.” The guard spat, readjusting his aim of the gun of you, “Or I’ll shoot you.”

The end of the gun being pointed at you was intimidating, the threat looming in the air, and you were confident that the guard was not bluffing. Swallowing thickly, you moved your numb feet, placing your stuff down on the table.

Side eyeing The Asset, you walked in front of him, watching his empty gaze look right through you. You didn’t know how you should approach him, cursing the guards for throwing you into this so suddenly.

He was being treated like a threat, and you found it funny that you felt threatened by everyone else in the room, besides him.

“Um… Hi there,” You started, not receiving any hint that he’d heard you, “I know you’re nervous, but everything will be alright. Just take a deep breath.”

You heard guards chuckling, giggling at your weak attempts at consoling the man. You felt self conscious, embarrassed by the way they stared down at you.

You couldn’t help but feel terrible for lying to this man. How was it right for you to assure him everything’s fine, when it was far from it?

“I need you to take a deep breath, please?” You said softly, your words coming out slightly desperate.

It was a split second, but the man’s eyes had snapped to yours, confusion painted in his orbs. His muscles relaxed only slightly, and before you could say anymore, Alexander Pierce himself was striding into the room.

“Step away.” Pierce demanded, motioning to a guard when you weren’t fast enough. You were grabbed harshly, feeling yourself get yanked back to the guards chest.

You immediately felt uncomfortable in the guards tight hold, wiggling to create some distance.

“Don’t you fucking move.” The guard spat into your ear, making you halt your movements and shiver in fear.

You watched Pierce examine The Asset, repeating his question when he hadn’t responded. Pierce suddenly cranked his hand back, backhanding The Asset, his head jolting harshly to the side.

You winced hearing the loud smack, you felt angered for this man. Hating the way they treated him like a caged animal, abusing him for their needs. You couldn’t just stand aside and watch this happen.

Ripping yourself out of the guards hold, you walked up to Pierce, chest puffed out in attempt to look confident.

“Stop this! He didn’t do anything wrong!” You told him, your voice the loudest it had ever been.

Pierce glanced over to you, entertained by your attempt to protect The Asset.

“I wasn’t aware that you were in charge?” He asked you, not giving you a chance to speak, “That’s right, you’re not. Who do you think you are, to think you have a place to speak to me?”

You scrunched your face in frustration and disgust, hearing the last family member you had say such things, cutting you deep.

“I’m your niece.” You whispered weakly.

“You’re nothing to me. Just a pathetic nurse we keep around. Do not forget that you are expendable.” He stated so calmly, making your eyes water from the humiliation.

Staying silent, you felt defeated, staring at the ground. Pierce scoffed, turning towards the scrawny man behind The Asset.

“Wipe him.” Pierce commanded.

Your eyes shot up at those words, no stranger to what would come from that torturous machine. The horrific screams that plagued your nightmares, echoing down the halls from this very room.

“No!” You shouted, causing everyone to stop what they were doing and stare at you, “I haven’t stitched his wound yet.”

Pierce squinted his eyes, studying your gaze. He walked closer, invading your personal space, grabbing you by the collar of your uniform.

“I don’t care what you do, just do it quick and leave.” He whispered venomously, his eyes glaring into yours. You could almost see his orbs turn red with fury.

With a shove, he pushed you away, causing you to catch yourself on stumbling feet.

Thankful that he was too busy to care about your lie, he walked out of the room. All the guards but one following him, leaving you with the one guard. The scrawny handlers stepped into another room, waiting for you to finish so they could wipe The Asset.

You watched the man carefully, acknowledging his beaten down expression. His eyes empty and haunting.

The guard walked up to you, shoving you forward with a little too much force, causing you to fall on your hands and knees.

“Hurry it up!” The guard yelled, raising his gun, training it on you.

You huffed, ignoring the throbbing in your hands and knees for now. Standing up, you turned and faced the guard.

“I need to be alone with him.” You said softly, earning a laugh from the guard.

“Yeah right, now shut the fuck up and start.” He spat.

“I need him calm, and he can’t calm down with you in here.” You told him, yours hand motioning to the gun in his hands.

“Why would I listen to you?”

“Because if you were smart, you’d leave and let me do my work. For your sake, if Pierce comes back and finds The Asset not taken care of… He won’t be happy.” You threatened, the guard surprisingly shutting up.

Sending you another deathly glare, the guard walked out of the room, slamming the door on the way out.

With him gone, it was just you and The Asset, and for some reason you felt like you could breathe fully. You felt like you weren’t being watched, your shoulders relaxing from being so tense.

“I’m not hurt.” A soft voice sounded, your eyes glancing up to the man.

His voice had startled you, you weren’t expecting this muscled, intimidating looking man to have such a gentle voice.

You looked at him, giving him a smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes.

“I know, I just… I just wanted you to have some time alone for a little bit. I’m sorry.” You explained, keeping your voice quiet.

Meanwhile, Bucky was confused on why you would do such a thing. Kindness was foreign to him, and he wasn’t expecting it to come from anyone from HYDRA. Looking closely at you, he wondered why you were in a place like this to begin with. You didn’t seem to fit in.

“I wish I could run away from here.” You whispered out loud, feeling comfortable with him, not worried about him judging you.

All you received was a grunt in response. The two of you sat in silence, neither bothering to create conversation. In a way the two just enjoyed each other’s company.

After a while, you were surprised to hear the man’s gentle voice again.

“I wish I could too.” He whispered.

“Wish you could what?” You had forgotten what you were talking about before, losing yourself in the comfortable silence you had both found.

The man held your eyes in a desperate gaze, almost as if he were pleading for help.

“Run away.”

A/N: i just realized most of my work is angsty and depressing and well 🥴 that pretty much explains me lol. this idea came to me while i was eating lunch today, let me know what you think🤍

[luneariann]

Bsd headcanons!

- Kouyou, 27 yr as of current canon

- Kouyou started dressing in traditional clothing in an effort to seem older/inspire more respect when she first became an executive, and it stuck. now instructs all the people under her wing to do the same

- Actually a huge fan of romance novels, Chuuya started reading them cuz of her

- Tea snob

- WILL judge you to your face in the most convoluted language, you will only realize you were insulted in like three business days

- She has freckles but she covers them up w makeup, Yosano loves them

- Yosano, 27 yr old

- When she was first adopted by Fukuzawa she tried doing things she thought kids her age did in an effort to feel more "normal" it didn't rly work

- Has won scariest ADA member four years in a row, shes both very proud of that title and very protective of it, actively does scarier shit once the elections come back around each year

- Wine snob!

- Veryyy blunt, she got it from Ranpo (Fukuzawa would call him a bad influence except he theyre both saying what hes thinking so)

- Dazai, 26

- Has tried to be a plant dad to win a bet w Ranpo, failed miserably, none of his plants are alive but theyre all lovingly named anyway, he talks to their decomposing corpses sometimes

- The worst fashion sense known to man, he KNOWS how to dress he just makes the active choice to dress like a bowling alley carpet when given the chance

- When Atsushi made him a friendship bracelet and he had to be excused to go to the bathroom and compose himself

- Hes Yokohamas local cryptid

- Chuuya, 26

- Loves romance novels, its his greatest secret

- Dazai gave him a bunch of plants as a surprise gift during his brief plant dad phase, he frantically learned everything he could abt them so he could take care of them properly

- He cuts his own hair, yes it is uneven on purpose, he thinks he looks cool (he does, but only because hes Chuuya so he can pull off literally anything) (yes i am biased why do you ask)

- Fantastic cook

- Piercings <333 he would get a tattoo but he doesnt rly do well with needles (cough trauma cough)

- Atsushi, 18

- Had a "sleepover" with Kyouka when he realized neither of them had ever had one, it was great they did eachothers nails and watched romcoms together, Kyouka decided she didnt really like them but Atsushi did so they watched them anyways

- Made everyone friendship bracelets one time on said "sleepover"!

- ALSO has an atrocious fashion sense, its Dazais influence <//3

- Kyouka has made it her personal mission to fix his haircut over time (he cuts his hair with kitchen scissors, she was horrified when she saw)

- Akutagawa, 19

- a full on trad goth, he goes simple for work tho

- Hes a gatekeeper, sorry yall </3

- Carries around an umbrella in the sunlight cuz he burns rly rly easily

- Gets cold REALLY easily too

- The most socially inept man you will ever meet, Gin had to cover for him A LOT when they were children

- When he first realized he felt something for Atsushi he not only did not realize that his heart speeding up around him was a crush thing, but thought it was excitement for a fight, so he just ended up challenging him to an absurd amount of fights, going as far as to go to the ADA to pick fights

[xxsabitoxx]

Toxic Things the Pillars Do.

Pillars x Unspecified Reader

Warnings: toxic behaviors/habits — angst-ish

A/N: don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of these characters being the perfect dream man/woman but lets be real… if they were real people they’d definitely have some bad habits… so this is what I think they are :)

Bold words = the toxic trait

Tomioka Giyu

He is so unbelievably withdrawn sometimes

You were able to break him out of his shell enough to want to be with him and make a life with him and such

But sometimes he falls into these periods where he wants nothing to do with anyone — including you.

Which, you understand his past traumas, you understand when people need space

But these periods of silence can go on for months

You try to be there for him but really there is only so much you can handle before you feel like you’re in a relationship with a damn ghost.

He thinks things can go right back to normal once these episodes pass

He thinks you’ll always be willing and waiting for him once he pulls himself out of these depressive episodes

And you were the first few times it happened, now you’re at your wits end

He can’t see why you’d be bothered by his withdrawn personality

I mean, you knew what you were getting into, right?

Kocho Shinobu

She can have a mean ass attitude

I’m talking mean as fuck, like she gets into moods where she’s just looking to start an argument

We know she’s an angry soul, she hides it behind a never ending smile

But when she’s alone with you, she can be herself

Which, in her mind, means she doesn’t need to put up an always happy facade with you

You respect that of course, you knew she was feisty before getting into your relationship with her

But there have been times where her attitude gets the better of her and she can be almost unbearable

She’ll insult you during a fight and not apologize after

She struggles to see when she’s in the wrong

It’ll take a lot of work to get her to apologize but honestly it sometimes doesn’t even feel genuine

She gets visibly upset if you give her an attitude in response to her behavior

Rengoku Kyojuro

He’s too positive

If you have a problem or are having a bad day, you’ll often go to him for help

The problem being, his advice can almost be a little too much… pushy even.

Sometimes you just want to collapse in his arms and hug him tightly to feel better

However, he’ll nonstop talk about ways to fix your problems and even try and get you off of him to do so

He struggles to read the room

When you’re upset, sometimes Kyojuro has an issue realizing it. (It’s giving tism…mood)

He’s also very practical and can struggle to differentiate between you wanting advice and simply wanting comfort

The thing his, overall his “toxic traits” aren’t all that bad

They just take some getting used to, and he’s more than willing to work on them

Main toxic trait: he really doesn’t have one

Uzui Tengen

He unintentionally plays favorites

Out of his spouses, he’s quite obvious about the one he’s feeling closer to that day (ouch)

He doesn’t realize it, he thinks he’s hiding it well because honestly he loves all four of you the same.

It’s just… sometimes he’s a little more clingy with one or two of you more so than other days

He’s blunt as fuck

He has no regards for what he says, if it hurts it hurts but it’s the god damn truth

This has actually created a few arguments among the five of you all together (Tengen, Makio, Suma, Hina and you)

There has actually been times where you’ve all slept in separate beds because of it

He is a perfectionist

If you do his makeup or hair wrong, he’ll get pissy about it

Maybe even make a comment about how one of the other wives do it better. Like I said, he’s blunt.

Kanroji Mitsuri

She’s extremely clingy Don’t come for me for saying that, I love clingy people tbh

She’ll throw a fit if you have to leave her on days she’s not feeling the best

She’s super emotional too so sometimes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around her

If you don’t give her the attention she deserves, she’ll give you the silent treatment

That being said… she’s stubborn

Similar to Giyu, she doesn’t think her stubbornness is a big deal and can’t understand why you’re peeved by it

Which results in an argument… which results in tears

Even if you didn’t do anything wrong, she expects you to apologize yes of course Queen, whatever you want fr I’m on my knees.

She unintentionally gaslights you

“What? Do you not love me? Why don’t you spend more time with me? I guess I’m not that important”

She’s a lot to handle but tbh you still love her. No fr I’m on my knees I’ll do whatever she wants

Iguro Obanai

He’ll compare you to others

In a weird way, he’ll project his own insecurities onto you

He’s super critical when it comes to random things, if you ask him a question and he feels the answer is obvious he’ll make you feel a bit stupid for not knowing

He gets super jealous

Some may see that as a plus it’s me, I’m some but it can honestly become overbearing

He is hesitant to let you go out with anyone that isn’t in him and often forced you to decline plans

You’ll get into arguments over this and he’ll blatantly pretend he has no idea what you’re talking about

He gaslights you purposely

Unlike Mitsuri, he knows what he’s doing and knows just how to fuck with you

He’s a bit of a drama queen because of it

I totally see him not letting you break up with him, low key Yandere-ish

Shinazugawa Sanemi

His mouth. His attitude.

This bitch is a smart ass, even if what he says backfires he knows he’s more than capable of handling himself

So when it comes to you? It’s always a losing battle

It’s almost as if he’s trying to get you to leave him, see how far he can push you before you give up

He won’t open up

If you manage to stick with him, you’ll realize he mellows out and isn’t as big of a hard ass as he was

That being said, it doesn’t prevent him from falling into periods of depression or anger

When you try to help him, he pushes you away. Similar to Giyu, but these episodes don’t last nearly as long

He’s possessive

Unlike Obanai, this man rarely gets jealous. He’s cocky enough to know you’ll never find anyone better than him… gaslighter lmfao but he right

He likes to leave various marks on you where people will see and he’s not shy to public affection. Even if it makes you uncomfortable.

Himejima Gyomei

He often prioritizes other things over you

You know his work comes first, you know a lot of people rely on him but… he’ll always put work before you

Even if it’s a birthday, special occasion, etc

He’ll make it up to you of course but there is only so many missed dates, missed birthdays, missed anniversaries that you can take before you start to feel inferior

He wants children but can’t understand why you don’t

Going off of what I said above, you know damn well you’ll essentially be a single parent even though you’re with him

When you bring it up, he doesn’t see the issue. He doesn’t think he’s that absent in your life

He’s pretty timid personality wise, but there have been times where you’ve pushed his buttons and he gets curt with you.

You can go a while without seeing him

I’m talking months. When it comes to work, it’ll always be his number one priority

I should mention, he fully expects you to wait for him and refrain from… any sexual activity. I’m not sorry for that lmao

[jadeylovesmarvelxo]

Confession 🌸💕

Steve's attack in the Upside Down cements how you feel about him but you think he still loves Nancy.

You don't realise he's in love with someone else.... You.

❤️🌸 18+ Minors DNI, very fluffy, slightly angsty one shot.

If you enjoyed this leave a like or reblog ❤️ I don't give anyone permission to copy, repost or reuse my work 💕

❤️

The bites were bad that was the first thing you noticed as Steve collapses against the cave he was beside.

You rush over to him immediately, the wound around his neck is severe and it makes your anxiety around this whole situation even worse.

Would he be okay? How far could he go before he needed to go to the doctor?

The wounds on his side need bandaged quick and you rip off a piece of your shift to use it as a makeshift bandage.

"This will hurt for a minute okay but we need to bandage this up" he nods and adjusts himself so you can wrap the shirt around him, he winces, hands running through his hair as a pained moan escapes him.

He's covered in dirt and blood and grime, you shouldn't find him attractive like this but you do... God, you had been smitten with Steve since last year.

Ever since you became friends with Robin, ever since all the shit that happened on July 4th.

The experience bonded you, Robin and Steve, being part of the Scoop Troop team, facing the Russians, Steve getting beat up, the drugs they fed all three of you, sharing secrets it connected you.

Steve got his mojo back and started dating, charming girls, being himself and along the way you got to know him better, you helped each other deal with the trauma from July 4th and the days surrounding it.

Sometimes you would have movie nights with Robin and you would wake up nestled into Steve.

"You looked so comfy I didn't have the heart to move you"

The truth was you could happily stay there forever.

That kick started all the butterflies in your belly, heart racing, feelings for him.

Now here you were with him in The Upside Down, along with Eddie, Nancy and Robin because Steve had been dragged into the gate that led to it. Watergate.

You didn't hesitate as you jumped in after him, your heart was pounding, fear mixing with the need to protect Steve and you ended up here along with the others, beating the shit out of those demobats who attacked Steve.

You smile as he's all patched up.

"There, all better" his gaze is soft as he stares down at you.

"Is he okay?" Nancy comes up to you both and you nod.

"All fixed up" you give Steve a small smile and move away, not wanting to see the way Steve looks at Nancy, you know he's still in love with her.

Nearly losing Steve has made you realise that you're head over heels in love with him but it was hopeless because he wouldn't want you, not if he could have Nancy.

Even if he did feel the same you would be a second choice and you didn't want to be that.

"Hey?" Steve's hand connects with yours, his thumb circling around your palm.

"Yes?" you try to ignore the way your heart speeds up at just his very touch.

"Thank you, sweetheart" you shrug like it's no big deal but then pause for a second.

Fuck it, you may die in this hellhole world so if you did you would rather go out with no regrets.

Ever so gently you kiss his cheek, hand rested on his chest.

"I'd do anything for you Steve" his breath hitches and you move away, not looking at the others.

"Let's find some way out of this shithole yeah?"

🌸💕

A week had passed everything was back to well not normal but a now monster free town...

An earthquake had rocked the town after Vecna's defeat and The Upside Down's destruction.

Clean up, restoration and recovery was happening and you were helping Stev go through things in your house that could have donated to help those in need.

Eddie was in hospital after a vicious demobat attack, he nearly died but thankfully managed to pull through, his name had been cleared by a miraculously returning Jim Hopper of any involvement with the murders of Chrissy, Jordan, Freddie.

Max was okay, her leg and arm had been broken during Vecna putting her under his curse a second time but she was healing.

Hawkins would heal too in time.

Steve's hand on your shoulder breaks you out of your thoughts and you continue folding up clothes.

"You okay?" he asks concerned and you nod.

"Just glad this is all finally over" he grins and hoists up one of the boxes to put in his car.

"Shit, tell me about it. Will be nice to not having to worry about facing monsters, worry about losing people I love" he looks up at you and your stomach sinks a little.

He must be talking about Nancy.

"Yeah...you know Jonathan and Nancy broke up?" he surprises you when he tells you he already knows.

"We talked, we talked a lot actually" oh, you figured they would at some point you just didn't realise it would be so soon.

"I'm happy for you Steve, you and Nance are back together right? I know you love her. I'm happy for you" turning away you will the tears not to come, curse yourself for not saying sooner.

Not like it would make a difference if he didn't feel the same way.

"We aren't back together honey" okay, this does shock you and you turn back to Steve confused.

"I thought...you still love her?" he walks over to you, his gaze intent on yours.

"For a long time I did but not anymore and I told her that. Truth is? I'm in love with someone else"

Someone else? "Who? One of the girls you dated recently?" he shakes his head.

"No, that was just sex, me losing myself in that because I couldn't have what I really wanted, who I wanted because I wasn't sure how she felt" he smiles, gaze tender as he looks at you.

"Can you not think of who it is hmm? I'll give you a hint? She's brave, beautiful, kind and so hilarious. She makes me laugh like no one else has, I've fallen in love with her like I have with nobody else and she's standing in front of me right now"

He loves me, tears pool in your eyes and he wipes them away softly.

"Little birdies have told me you obviously feel the same and I'm clearly a dingus who needs to be told everything"

Dustin and Robin, this makes you giggle and he gently kisses your forehead then looks into your eyes.

"I'm just wondering if they are right? Usually are. Being both geniuses and all" to answer his question you kiss him and he's kissing you back, hands running up your back, tangling in your hair.

Briefly you pull away.

"It's always been you Steve, I love you too" you kiss again and he whispers those three little words over and over again.

I love you.