#what are the lived experiences like for the community?

[0104-vikita]

The Amazing Digital World

🍀•~ MASTERPOST ~•🍀

•~The beggining~•

In an attempt to do a little experiment. Developers wanted to test Ai's ability to evolve.

They started to create a very basic virtual world. Coding some realms, some biomes, some communities, some special locations, and different types of enemies and villagers. A combination between Minecraft and Stardew Valley.

Caine was like the coder's will inside this world, they coded him to create everything the developers demanded. Once the basics were finished, he had the task to look for errors, bugs, and anything that could harm the proper function of the world, as well as create whatever the creators demanded him to.

The game and its NPCs were specifically coded to be able to evolve. They wanted to see how far the NPCS free will could go, how much they could do. They wanted this virtual reality to feel as real.

This would take a while tho.

The developers had big hopes in this auto-sustained world. But it didn't work as fast as they thought. They left it aside for a while, and the company kept selling with normality. Some eventually forgot about it, but the small world they once created had evolved into a full fleshed out universe.

Entire families of each type of NPCs had formed, a functional economy, and different cultures arose. More importantly, the NPCs had reached the level knowing they lived in a digital world, but they also knew this was where they were supposed to be.

They lived their lives like a regular human being. Everyone expects one particular AI..who unfortunately was never meant to evolve as the others. An AI that till this day, keeps waiting for the coders to give meaning to his existence.

~• The Realms •~

Note: illustrations might be done in the future

The Main Grounds 🎪👣

Human-like creatures made of rubber inhabit what one was the starting point of everything. Most human-like inhabitants are clown themed, wearing colorful combinations and displaying extremely pale skins with iconic make up. Most houses now look like circus tents.

As the starting point of everything, Humanoid Clowns are usually skilled on all kinds of areas, nowadays though they are mostly recognized by their sharp communication abilities.

Feeding habits: Regular Foods and Water

Pomni and Kaufmo inhabit this realm

Woodland Kingdom 🌲🪵

Wood made toys inhabit this prosperous Nation. Although wooden puppets and dolls can be found, the biggest demographic group this realm are Chess-like inhabitants.

Chess pieces do not reproduce, but spawn from flowers instead. Each type of piece spawn on its own recurrence, pawns are the most common, Queens and Kings are the most rare. Every 20 years, the new Queen and King must replace the formers.

Trees on Woodland are abundant since most of this realm is forest surrounded. They provide wood for construction to other realms and are knowledgeable on the matter. Woodland has the widest insect population.

Feeding habits: Wood and Tree Sap

Kinger and Queenie inhabit this realm

The Great Cartoon Plains 🌽🚜

Probably the biggest biome and realm of all. Here cartoonish anthropomorphic animals made out of rubber inhabit the plains. Great weather, excellent soil, and wide terrains, The Great Plains is the hostess of the biggest agricultural production that feeds most realms.

Most families that inhabit this place farm and mine for a living. They provide the raw materials that sustain the rest of the world. They have great resistance and their histamine lands the longest.

Feeding habits: Regular Foods and Water.

Jax inhabits this realm

Raggedy Village 🧸🧵🪡

A village with a welcoming vibe, Raggedy Village is probably one of the safest and calmest realms. Rag dolls, plushies, fabric puppets inhabit this place in big teapot looking houses. They are usually very kind and willing to teach.

Raggedy villagers excel at the refining of cotton and fibers, as well as the art of sewing and designing everything from carpets and curtains to clothes, hair bowties and shoes. Raggedy village is the biggest exporter of clothes and fabric.

Feeding habits: Gossypium and Sweet Tea

Ragatha inhabits this realm

Puzzle City 🧩🎲

Tall, noisy and at times confusing, Puzzle City occupies this place on the list. Wacky and colorful, Puzzle City owns the most abstract and ingenious buildings and transport mechanisms. Their citizens are not any different.

Often called "The Geometrics" citizens of the city are plastic and are usually composed of geometric shapes that can be rearranged. Geometrics are especially good at architectural engineering and design, and are by nature bright in color and personality...with a few exceptions..

Feeding habits: No food is needed for survival

Zooble and Orbsman inhabit this realm

Stone Temples 🎭🎨

Special for being home of NPCS originally designed to be provoked enemies. The Stone temples are clean, polished, resistant and often, artsy. They display beautiful designs and paintings, and with reason.

Often called the porcelains, the inhabitants of this complex are artistic and emotional souls, and excel in every form of art, from painting, sculpting, dancing, music, and theater. Most porcelains have a distinctive physiology: Mask faces with light ribbon bodies.

Feeding habits: Minerals and Gossypium

Gangle inhabits this realm

Candy Island 🍭🍮

The most distant territory, Candy Island feels like a fever dream without a set time period. The name says it all, an island of the size of Australia where everything is made out of every type of candy imagined, including their people.

Lolli citizens, cake fellas, and gummy lads are just a few examples, they are often highly energetic and sweet. Most desserts found in any other realm most likely came from Candy Island.

Feeding habits: Regular desserts and raw sugar

Loolilalu, Gummigoo, Max and Chad inhabit this realm

The Amazing Digital Academia 🪄🔮

A wide academia with a fundamental purpose: Sustain the world they all live in. With the original coders absent, Caine is allowed to grant certain skills to NPCS that seem responsible and acknowledging about the matter

What we might know as coding, for them is magic. Being able to manipulate reality and spawn new creations, new textures, flavors, physics, biomes, was necessary for the expansion of this little world.

Here, students learn everything they need to know in order to maintain and expand this beautiful world. Alongside coding, characters study whatever discipline they want to master.

All characters previously mentioned attend as students and teachers

~• Families and Births •~

Each type of NPC presents a different type of reproduction. No genitalia is present on any of them, but just like in the sims, the game recognizes the baby making process and starts the NPC's corresponding process to spawn a new baby. Different types of NPCS can result in interesting combinations and character designs

❤️ SPECIAL THANKS TO @notnights for helping me with ideas and figuring out a lot of stuff ❤️

[etz-ashashiyot]

You know how sometimes arguing a point is losing?

Like if you engage the argument at all you are inherently putting up for debate things that should never be up for debate and the argument itself is degrading?

You see this with interpersonal gaslighting:

A gaslighter doesn’t simply need to be right. They also need for you to believe that they are right. In stage one, you know that they’re being ridiculous, but you argue anyways. You argue for hours, without resolution. You argue over things that shouldn’t be up for debate  – your feelings, your opinions, your experience of the world. You argue because you need to be right, you need to be understood, or you need to get their approval. In stage one, you still believe yourself, but you also unwittingly put that belief up for debate. In stage two, you consider your gaslighter’s point of view first and try desperately to get them to see your point of view as well. You continue to engage because you’re afraid of what their perspective of you says about you. Winning the argument now has one objective :  proving that you’re still good, kind, and worthwhile. In stage three, when you’re hurt, you first ask, “What’s wrong with me?” You consider their point of view as normal. You start to lose your ability to make your own judgements. You become consumed with understanding them and seeing their perspective. You live with and obsess over every criticism, trying to solve it.

[Source]

But you also see this on a broader societal level, with people asking unfathomably awful questions about minority groups, such as:

[Source]

It should go without saying, but no group of people should be forced to explain that yes, they really are real people, dickheads. The question doesn't deserve an answer; it deserves at best a disgusted eyeroll + "Are you a Nazi?" and at worst a punch to the face.

There is also the related phenomenon of the "when did you stop beating your wife?" type questions. The question is framed as a yes or no question, but the real answer for the innocent is: "I've never beaten my wife and never would." But even that answer still dignifies the question with a real response and puts the idea in the mind of the listener that hey maybe that's a real possibility and this guy is lying because of course he wouldn't just admit that. Now I don't know what to believe, but I'm skeptical.

Even if he answers, doubt has been cast on his character and many people (maybe even most people) neither have the attention span to listen to his full counter argument and supporting evidence nor are invested enough in strangers' lives to take the time to dig for facts on their own. Critically, it comes from a good impulse that shouldn't be repressed or taken too far in the opposite direction; namely, that we want to believe survivors and make it socially acceptable to speak out about abuse.

This leaves us with the uncomfortable reality that balancing believing survivors and whistle-blowers against not automatically believing allegations that very well may be false and/or in bad faith is a very tricky balancing act indeed. Because of this, people tend to struggle with taking survivors seriously and with presuming innocence until guilt has actually been proven, both. And as for the latter, this is at least partially due to the same psychological factors underlying the Don't Think of an Elephant problem.

Why am I discussing this?

See the thing is that these types of discourse have all been used, heavily, against the Jewish community, especially since Oct 7th, but really going back hundreds of years.

If you want to be our ally, you need to be on guard for how people use this rhetoric to accuse Jews of absolutely batshit cookoo bananas allegations (like being lizard people or having horns, or secretly running the world, or killing Christian babies to use their blood in our matzah, etc. etc.) and get away with it. Now obviously if so many people weren't already racist towards Jews as a people and had a vested interest in maintaining their supercessionist cultural worldview from Christianity and Islam, it would be a lot harder for this to work. Alas, the past 2000 years has created a bit of a snowballing effect.

This culminates in the effect described so well by Sartre:

Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The anti-Semites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons, they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument but to intimidate and disconcert. If you press them too closely, they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is past.

— Jean-Paul Sartre

Right now, Jews are facing extreme levels of these types of rhetorical abuse, and are receiving very little help in the way of pushback.

We have to stop trying to explain ourselves and start just naming these tactics instead.

[subsystems]

At this point, I don't want anyone following me if they support The Plural Association. This is full rant mode.

I'm triggered and deeply disturbed by the stuff I see being pumped out by this group under the guise of "inclusivity." I'm sick and tired of TPA stigmatizing systems that are different from themselves. I'm sick and tired of TPA spreading misinformation about systems that are different from themselves. I'm sick and tired of the false promises of resources and lack of transparency.

Instead of listening to systems that are different from them, they make up shit about us to turn our own community hostile towards us. You think systems who are pursuing or achieved final fusion don't see the shit you say about our existence? The misinformation you spread about us? You think systems with CDDs don't see the way you talk about them? You think we don't see you inciting more syscourse on social media?

You think we don't see you manipulating the articles people send you with their lived experiences in order to spread your toxic views?

It's ALWAYS the final fusion hatred. Have you ever asked systems who have actually achieved final fusion whether their ideas about us reflect the recovery we desired?

"It does not allow for personhood" what the fuck does that even mean! Never once during my final fusion process did anyone in my system feel like we weren't seen as or allowed to be people. Never once did our therapist erase or minimize our personhood.

Do you even care that our concept of "personhood" can shift throughout recovery, too? That we collectively pursued final fusion because our personhood felt more authentic and wonderful with fusions? And that we wouldn't fucking voluntarily pursue a recovery option if it felt like it took away from our existence, dehumanized us, or harmed us!

You only give a damn about the systems who fit your narrow little box of "valid." The ones who act and talk in the way YOU want, who heal in the way YOU want, who exist in the way YOU want. But fuck all the other ones, right!

God, sorry for this rant but I am just. So done. Please don't send them any hate or harassment, especially people who aren't even associated with them or got paid to write articles & shared their lived experiences for them. I just sincerely hope for TPA to change.

[nunalastor]

HAPPY MER-MAY!

Have a mermaid AU bc ilu

Charlie grew up fascinated by the ocean because of her dad, who used to be a passionate marine biologist working for a famous and well-funded research center. However, something happened that gave Lucifer a fear of the ocean and the creatures living in it. Charlie loves to visit the aquarium/research center where he used to work with her girlfriend and dreams of someday following in his footsteps, despite Lucifer's reservations.

There's one guy at the aquarium whose guts Charlie absolutely hates; Adam, a guy who as far as she's concerned, has no business working with marine life because he keeps smugly going on about 'monsters' that live in the ocean and how a little girl like her would be swallowed up by the ocean in a second. One of his smug remarks gives Charlie the impression that there's something... off happening away from prying eyes at the aquarium. So she convinces Vaggie to sneak in after hours and find out what. And that's when they find the monsters; the merfolk.

Alastor.

The scientists at the aquarium see all merfolk as violent, dangerous creatures who hate mankind and need to be researched - primarily via vivisection - and have their population strictly maintained. Charlie's heart breaks at the sight of Alastor's body covered in scars from the experiments that the scientists have been performing on him. And it becomes immediately clear to her and to Vaggie that he's not just an animal with a somewhat human-like appearance. He's very obvious sentient, even if he can't communicate with them the way they're used to. But he does manage to convince Charlie and Vaggie to bring him a few items from some of the other tanks; pieces of specific types of coral, some rare species of fish and weird sea life, an oyster with a pearl forming in it. Vaggie and Charlie just think he wants some little trinkets or things to remind him of home. What Alastor really needs are ingredients for a spell.

Suddenly Vaggie and Charlie are scrambling to pull a naked man out of the tank before security makes its rounds. They make a clumsy, reckless, frazzled escape with Alastor in tow and Charlie does the only thing she can think to do.

She brings the mute, naked man (he's wrapped in a tarp) to her dad.

-Alastor's tail is like a betta's, with deep black and vibrant red scales. It's dirty and tattered when Charlie and Vaggie find him, however.

-Dunno how/if Vox would fit into the AU yet but he's definitely some sort of electric eel, and definitely still keeps pet sharks. I just really really really like the mental image of his sparky electric eel form and so I had to mention it.

-Alastor is a sea witch. He was captured by Adam while trying to sink one of the researchers' ships and only survived because Sera wanted to study him. He's extremely mistrustful of humans and only plans to use Charlie and Vaggie until he can recover enough to get his revenge on the researchers who captured him.

-Alastor will definitely still eat humans, given a chance.

-Lucifer believes Lilith was killed by a merfolk (Roo) but in truth she was one. Like Alastor, she was a sea witch who used magic to take on a human form. When Roo came hunting after her and her hybrid child, Lilith returned to the ocean to deal with the threat.

-Charlie is a hybrid, but thanks to Lilith's magic she remained mostly human throughout her life. Alastor soon realizes there are spells on her keeping her human and starts working to undo them.

-Charlie tells Lucifer outright what Alastor is and how she and Vaggie found him, and Lucifer doesn't exactly hide the fact that he used to work for the same research center that was torturing Alastor. So they start out pretty mistrustful of and hostile towards one another. However, Lucifer still won't hand Alastor back over to Adam and Sera, which is why Alastor decides not to kill and eat him yet.

-Alastor doesn't have human vocal chords, so while he can understand humans when they speak to them, he can't respond. He can, however, exert some control over the electromagnetic spectrum. Radio waves. He uses this to project sounds through an antique radio in order to 'talk' to everyone.

👀

[thedaythatwas]

I’m just thinking long and hard about the way Akiren and Akechi are written as foils for each other. Because of course, the game drives it home for us that the two are narrative foils: Akiren is the champion of free will who finds power through his friendships, Akechi represents the ways society binds us. He is chained by his desire to be wanted (importantly, by the wrong people– I’ll get to that).

At first glance, Akiren and Akechi’s point of divergence has to do with their relationships– Akiren has confidants, Akechi doesn’t, and this is the deciding factor in Akiren’s victory over Akechi on November 20th and in the engine room. Still, while this is certainly part of what makes their relationship important as a narrative device, it’s not the full picture. That, I think, has more to do with the fact that they both desperately want the very relationships that are used to foil them. They have common ground, and that’s what makes the emotional beats of their differences hit as hard as they do.

Even though Akechi doesn’t have the close bonds that Akiren does with his friends, he is defined as a character by his desire to belong. He wants to be praised and given everything he feels he was denied by Shido’s callous disregard for his mother and society’s unjust treatment of him after her death. He was a self-proclaimed “undesirable child” who spent his young adult life doing everything in his power to never feel unwanted again. He literally spells it out in his engine room monologue– “I was extremely particular about my life, my grades, my public image, so someone would want me around!”

Akiren, like Akechi, begins his character arc as a social outcast. Unlike Akechi, who appeals to systemic power to claim social clout and chase his own sense of belonging (the Shido revenge plot, which would, uhm, theoretically end with Shido acknowledging his son’s worth), Akiren finds family with other outcasts. All of the Phantom Thieves understand his struggle, and because of this they foster a sense of understanding and community that Akechi never gets to experience.

It is important to note that these bonds are deepened when Akiren helps those around him. While there’s absolutely nothing bad about doing things for the people you care about– in fact, most would argue that this is what makes a friendship a good one– we can take a reasonable guess that Akiren craves the love of those around him just a bit more than is healthy for him. He plays therapist for half of Tokyo– he stretches himself absurdly thin for the sake of his friends. That’s a bit much to ask of one person, but Akiren seems to demand it of himself. This is the nature of confidant routes as a game mechanic, of course, but hey, reading into game mechanics is important to getting a solid reading of who Akiren is behind the mask!

The crux of it is, Akiren and Akechi are both lonely characters. Their desire to be loved quite literally drives the narrative of the game, both in terms of plot and gameplay. What makes their foiling so tragic is the fact that Akechi so obviously wants what he has himself determined he can’t have. He says as much in the engine room when he questions why Akiren has things that he doesn’t, despite being (as he says) criminal trash living in an attic.

And yet, Akechi’s isolation is frankly the result of his own decisions. He is the one who chooses to work for Shido. He is the one who acts on a worldview that requires he keep his cards close to his chest to win— against Shido and against the world that wronged him— and to be considered desirable (even despite the fact that this mindset obviously works against satiating his hunger to be loved. He really needs to go to therapy, but I digress).

I don’t think Akechi even knows how to go about claiming what Akiren managed to. Akechi has agency in the actions he takes, absolutely– he would be furious about any suggestion to the contrary– but in many ways, the choices he feels himself able to make are constrained by his circumstances and the lessons imparted to him by his past.

All this to say, Akechi and Akiren aren’t different because Akechi doesn’t want teammates, or even friends. He sincerely wants everything Akiren has. He tells us this in the engine room. He shoots himself in the foot by prioritizing approval from society and love from Shido above other relationships. But thinking from inside his shoes, what else was he going to do? Where else would he have thought to turn to find what he wanted? He was dealt a horrible hand and he played his cards according to the rule book he was given. If the world were just, Akiren and Akechi wouldn’t be foils. It’s the injustice implicit in that that really drives home the point I think P5 is trying to make when it foils Akiren and Akechi in the first place. It also, personally, has been making me want to scream all day.

On a related note, this is also the exact reason that Akechi being the one to bring up that things might have been different if only he met Akiren a few years sooner makes me want to throw things, but this post is long enough. I’ll save all that for later!

[themaveriqueagenda]

it's trans+ history week, and i want to talk about something.

as a trans maverique, i can't relate to large parts of trans history. a lot of it, even the nonbinary parts, always refer back to the binary in some way, like being fluid between both, blending both, femme or butch as genders etc.

as someone whose gender is disconnected from all of this, i only relate to those things on a surface level, if at all.

the only person i at least somewhat relate to was a neuter person on a talk show in the late 80s. they were the only historical reference i have for being separate from the binary.

and being alienated from what's meant to be your history feels very weird. it feels like there's a void where your ancestors should be.

it feels like my experience isn't real because there's nothing in trans history i can point to and say "look, they're like me, we have always existed". and this goes way beyond just language.

feeling like you have no history feels like the people who claim that your gender was just made up on the spot 2 weeks ago were right after all.

not seeing myself represented in history also means i don't know what the lives of people like me looked like, or what they can look like now.

it raises so many questions: do we grow old? do we get to live long and happy lives? where did we find community? what did we call ourselves before "maverique" existed? were we able to exist openly, or did we only get to be ourselves in the privacy of our journals?

who are my ancestors that i can honour?

[punkeropercyjackson]

My audhd brain won't stop telling me to do a full breakdown of the parallels between Percy and Hobie so i will.Alright,let's do this one last time!

Troubled but good kids

Afro-dominican New York/Jamaican-English(NY and England are where punk first started)

Anarchists,proffessional instigators,always helping out around communities(it's implied Percy participated in Rachel's protests and charities with her)and looking out for the little guy

So they're actual punks instead of just EdgyTM douchebags because they wanna do the right thing no matter what

No masking game autistics

Trans femmes who come across as masc only to normies

Chillaxed and super kind and love cute shit and people but also have major street credit,a huge edge and strong as fuck backbones and the reason they're so kind is that their childhood was beyond brutal so as they grew up they decided to be the positive older figure in younger people's lives they didn't take to have to the point they turned into Team Dad's

The EXACT same sense of humor

Blue-coded

Alt music lovers

Expressions are always either super intimidating or meme worthy goofy

Pet supernatural dog(Spidermutt and Mrs O'Leary)

Widely regarded as the coolest ever in-universe and correctly so but they're huge dorks when you get down to it but that only makes them even cooler-They were this cool the whole time

6'something with guitarist hands and described as so attractive it's shocking

Go by a nickname instead of their full name and have a common black surname

Oldest and most experienced heroes in their main casts

Hobie's dad is a deadbeat who left him as a baby to do supernatural shit

'I'm not a role model' 'I hate the a.m,i hate the p.m,i hate labels' 'I don't believe in consistency' / 'Was i a troubled kid?Yeah,you could say that' 'I AM impertenent' 'The sea does not like to be restrained'

'Calling yourself a hero makes you self-mythologizing'Hello???????????

Gwen is the Hazel to Hobie's Percy.She's a younger trans girl with a ghost motif who's a pastel ray of sunshine and runs her mouth as much as they do and has a dead mom,an abusive corrupted figure dad and their own impressive experiences in heroism before meeting them

Nico is another teen Ghostkid who Percy gifted a Ramones shirt and gave shelter to multiple times when he was homeless because Hades/Pluto is as much of a fucking cunt as George Stacy is.Nico is also a Miles kinnie because he's an optimistic softboy who's nerdy,a fast food lover and a lot stronger than he gives himself credit for and Percy is the big brother mentor to him the fandom thinks Hobie is to Miles(Nah fr Hobie and Miles are ambigious but Percy's canonically a grown ass man and Nico's Miles' age,P*rcicos pack it up and get over that your ship only works for transfem Percy proof)

Karl=Jason(the cooler St*ve R*gers,the actual voice of reason on the team but just as unhinged as the rest of them,very nice guy vibes and Hobie's righthand),Riri=Annabeth(Black girl genius who takes no shit but is still written as a person instead of a stereotype)and Mattea=Clarisse(red-coded,rowdy tomboy and war paint)

Mayday and Margo are basically just Estelle and Rachel,Jessica makes a pretty convincing Sally and Miguel reminds me of Poseidon but especially when he's interacting with Hobie

Sarcastic troublemaker smiles i've always found endearing(Rip to Annabeth but i'm different)(Also for Hobie i mean this platonically)

Immaculate rizz that's mostly unintentional but reaches critical levels when on purpose

Cocky asf and self-loathing at the same time

That one scene of Hobie leaving Gwen a Watch with the 'In case it don't work out' note with a lil doodle of him on it after getting her dad's ass/Percy sending the Olympians Medusa's head in a box after slaying her with a note saying 'Best wishes' to spite them

Goofy ahh who are nonetheless taken seriously cause Watch Out

They even both have terrible singing voices

And technically not the same thing but Hobie's also pink-coded so they're cotton candy colors and with Percy's white streak they can be the trans flag too!!

[mitamicah]

Gig report: Käärijä at Böle Arena and Club 05.04.24

It has now been five days since my first Käärijä gig in Finland and my first stadium gig with him as well. In short it was an amazing experience and one of those concerts I probably will keep with me forever. However, there were both great and less great parts of the whole thing.

TLDR; I loved the shows especially because we were able to see Jere live out his Rammstein fanboy dreams and that we got Paidaton Riehuja during the spontaneous DJ booth set which made me cry. However, I was more than once annoyed about security and their lack of communication to the fans.

Disclaimer: this report is written from my point of view. Keep in mind that this is just the opinion of one kääryle and some of these experiences are very much subjective to my unique situation.

My trip to Helsinki was far from ideal. The flight I was meant to take on Friday May 3 2024 was cancelled and so I have to wander around in Copenhagen Airport for eight hours before flying to Stockholm then Helsinki and landing around dinner time instead of the originally plan 9.20 in the morning. For this reason I had to cancel the tattoo appointment I just made and mentally cancel my plans to explore the inner city of Helsinki. Luckily I wasn’t alone since another fan had been scheduled to take the same flight so we hung out together. Our luck didn’t improve however so we caught the Joker Out travelling curse in Helsinki when our bags were missing for half an hour to an hour. Because of this we were only arriving to Pasila station around 8-9 o’clock in the evening.

I blame me having been up very early (2 am), the annoyance of all we’ve gone through and my autism making me like clear cut rules that people actually following for my feelings about the next part. The thing is that we were a group of four going to Böle just to see the venue after eating some Korean/Japanese food to be met by a big group of campers outside the venue. This confused me since the venue had informed on more than one occasion that queuing before 8 am Saturday was prohibited. From what I gather from Elmi (ehaapasalo on ig) that talked to some of the campers the security personnel had given into the campers to be allowed to camp at the venue although NOT at the main entrance. Yet they (the venue) had not make an official statement about this making it so half or more of the fans would not have known about this chance of plans. I was way too tired and it was way too late for me mentally to change my plans so I went to my hotel where I slept horribly given I worried about the queue the entire night.

Next morning I woke up as I’d planned at 5.30 (would’ve been more than enough time had the queue started at 8 am) to be informed through IG group message that there were already 60+ numbers given in the unofficial queue. Already slightly sleep deprived I went to the queue a little past 7 am with a big, lurking cloud (figuratively) over my head. I got number 99.

At 8 am the second big change of plans where announced: Instead of starting giving out official numbers at 11 the security would now ask people to line up so the numbers could be given at 8 am. This change didn’t bother me as much as the previous one but it was still not a great feeling I was left with since this was not clearly communicated before now. We got our numbers (mine was 95) and pretty much 85-90% if not more went home to sleep and/or eat. That meant me that had looked forward to hang out and meet people in the queue felt I was getting even more punished for following the rules.

Because of this and my foolish hope of getting Käärijä to notice my sign asking for a tattoo, when a fan told me there were still tickets to the day show I ended up buying one for myself. (and so I ended up with yet another number being 38). More people slowly starting to arrive after that, and with the company the anxiety and sour taste in my mouth subsided slightly.

The dayshow would start at 3 pm, so we had been asked to be back at 1. The line however only started to form because we (the fans) got impatient at 1.30. Other than that the personnel did alright when double checking our numbers and I’d say getting inside seemed to go smooth and easy so cookie points for that at least.

The day event would be the first (and so far only) time I’ve gotten barricade (however I wouldn’t have it for long since I allowed two squeaks fourth of my height to stand in front of me – it was an all-ages show after all). I was standing next to @duekko a bit to the right of the stage yet still somewhat close to the middle and we had a lovely time waiting (and enjoying the concert) together I’d say.

The show itself was amazing- I loved seeing Jere fulfill all his Rammstein fanboy dreams with amazing outfits, outfit changes, pyro, smoke and silly gags. I especially enjoyed hearing People’s Champion (laughed my ass off seeing häärijä in the mushroom hat) live for the first time and the Tequila interlude and having the dancers around for Huhhahhei, Kot Kot (although in chicken costumes) and of course Cha Cha Cha was a treat.

The one thing that might have slightly made the experience less enjoyable for me was definitely my own fault. The barricade seemed miles away from the stage (to make space for pyro) and it was so dark that you could not see anything from the stage (I believe). That meant that no matter how much I tried it was definitely not going to work out with having Jere notice my sign. I did try both here and at the evening event yet I felt much more in the way and self conscious about it than I had hoped. So that slightly coloured my experience since I personally like to be as little aware of myself when I’m at a concert as possible. It also seemed that Jere were a bit nervous (understandably so) inbetween songs having to keep to a schedule yet as soon as the songs started he was back in performance mode and seemed to have a great time so that was lovely to see.

After the day show I got about an hour of queuing with people again which was lovely yet far from enough to speak to everybody I wanted to. A third little annoyance with the security arrived when we were lining up for the evening and then got the message to go inside 15 min before but just stay inside awkwardly in our queue until the doors opened for real. That truly was a strange experience and I have no idea what the security was thinking. Of course somebody in front started running as soon as we was allowed to move so to not getting stampeded everybody had to move. This whole chaos ended with me getting a way better spot than I’d imagined (third row a bit to the right yet still closer to the middle than in the day show). In some ways I think this spot was better than the day show at least in terms of the angle I was looking at the stage from.

The support band from the evening show was decent yet I am not sure they’d be added to my spotify playlist anytime soon. The evening show felt a lot like the day show just turned up to eleven with Erika joining for Rouska (as expected yet still very much appreciated) and songs like Rock Rock (the original version) and Menestynyt Yksilö being added to the setlist. Before Urheilujätkä (that was also being played at the day show) we held a little memorial for Hanna which made me teary eyed. We also got Cha Cha Cha twice this time which gave me big flash backs to the Europe tour which is only a good thing. (but yeah again my sign quest was a dud).

After the concert I was able to meet Aarni which was really cool (I went into big golden retriever puppy mode so by the off chance you are reading this Aarni, I am sorry for being so in your face x’D). I got a picture with him and gave him three stickers so he could give some to Jere and Häärijä (later in the evening I met him again and he confirmed that the boy had indeed gotten the stickers). My sidequest did cost me a setlist however but that is okay because Anniina (@formulalakana) got it instead which I am more than happy about (you may have seen it going around since it is the one with the Bojan picture at the bottom).

Joining the afterparty the first I did was finally buying that green hoodie I’d wanted since the Stockholm gig and then I went to buy water since I hadn’t really drunk anything since that morning. Sonny was the DJ of the evening and he played Käärijä songs – new, old, known and unknown – all evening. It was great hearing studio versions of People’s Champion and Ihan Sama yet also just hearing Morgan and Kovis being played on speakers at a club healed my soul.

I ended up joining the dancers just at the right time because 3-4 songs later Käärijä and crew joined the DJ booth to play a very spontaneous extra set for us. This was by far my favourite part of the evening because unlike the stadium shows the vibe was way more personal and intimate and heat of the moment. We bullied Jere into performing Kovis, we got the demo version of Cha Cha Cha, we got Ihan Sama and Punainen Marli. Heck, we even got to hear the new collab between him and Joost called Traffik! Everything seemed to go too well when suddenly a person behind me fainted and we immediately called for the show to stop. While it took a bit for the people on stage and security around to notice we were able to help the person (I really hope they are okay). I will give a few cookies to the security there as well – they seemed to react pretty quickly and professionally in this situation (they’d also actually been taking us seriously during the concert when asking for water unlike at Joker Out at Kulttuuritalo day 2 where we had to almost have people fainting before we were allowed water).

The DJ set ended in the most magical way because Jere decided to end with Paidaton Riehuja. Now I am a transmasculine person who like many transmasc kääryleet probably have a very strong connection to this song. Because of that I had been daydreaming about one day being lucky enough to be at a käärijä show where this song would play (preferably after my top surgery) so I could confidently and comfortably throw my shirt off and join Jere being shirtless and just feel the relief of not caring about my looks together with the wind on my chest. I had never imagined this would actually happen and definitely not here at Böle not even half a year into my hrt journey and pre op. Because of the rarity of the moment however I without thinking struggled my way through four layers of shirts to by the half way point of the song stand in only my sports bra howling with the little bit of the voice I had left. When the song was finished it hit me what I’d just done (for context: this is the first and only time I’ve willfully stripped down shirtless in public after coming out and the first time as long as I can remember I’ve been this unclothed and felt completely safe about it). I cried. And that is a first. I have never cried at a concert like that- always after the fact. So this is the one moment that make it so I think I will remember Böle forever. (I also cried at least two more times after exiting the dancefloor). Before exiting the danceflor however somebody next to me found a flower pin that they thought was mine (it wasn't) that I ended up taking with me home - so if anybody lost a flower that day (you can see it in the picture below) and what it back feel free to let me know :'D xD.

I stayed till the end of the evening chatting with new and old friends and dancing with strangers. I at one point saw Jesse yet was not fast enough to get over to meet him. I didn’t managed to meet everybody else yet heard about others having amazing moments with the guys which made me very happy for them (even if I myself also felt a bit sad that it hadn’t been me but you cannot get everything).

In the end I’d say Käärijä was a good first gig for the venue yet there are things they can definitely approve such as their ability to communicate and stick to what they have put out there as the official rules to make it the fairest for everybody involved.

As always I thank all of you for the amazing stickers, bracelets and other gifts I got this evening!!! (I got 23 bracelets which has definitely broken the last record which was held by Joker Out in Helsinki day 2). It was amazing meeting you all, taking pictures with you, getting excited with you, dancing and laughing with you and just overall sharing this amazing time together.

For the ones that are curious I did manage to get my tattoo appointment rescheduled for Sunday (that will probably be its own post) and because of that I also had time to add in a spontaneous tattoo to celebrate the milestone that is me being comfortable enough to take off my shirt first time in public. The rest of the trip in Helsinki was spend going on a Käärijä related solo tourist tour that you may-may not have seen me post about already.

Thank you for reading this gig report and I hope to see some of you again in July.  

[allyricas]

it's golden like daylight

eddie and steve who are like stupidly in love, but a misunderstanding leads to a devastating breakup. no staying awkward friends, no wishing each other the best. nope, they are hurting and want nothing to do with the other. they don't communicate and it takes others getting involved for things to finally work out. it's months of angst before the daylight finally breaks.

I once believe love would be burning red But it's golden Like daylight, like daylight Like daylight, like daylight I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you I can never look away I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you Things will never be the same

steve who hears eddie telling wayne that things with steve are fun, just a fling. it's nothing serious, uncle wayne. i mean, it's steve harrington, how serious could it really be? wayne is a taciturn, quiet man and just shakes his head at eddie's foolishness. he knows his nephew is in love, but afraid. neither of them realize steve overheard. steve doesn't understand that eddie didn't mean 'it's steve harrington' as a slight against him, but rather, against eddie himself. it's steve harrington, how serious could he be about eddie munson? it's meant to be self-deprecating and vicious only to himself.

the word nothing repeats in steve's head for weeks. he pulls away from eddie, but tries to pretend nothing is wrong. as much as it hurts, he loves eddie and doesn't want to lose him. he knows he's running hot and cold, but he's trying to hold it together. they're relationship was a secret to nearly everyone. only robin knew and eddie's best friend jeff knew. and his uncle knew since steve nearly lived in the trailer.

he can't start acting weird around eddie without alerting the entire party that something is wrong. it hurts knowing eddie think he's nothing serious. that he's still king steve to eddie, that all the soft, romantic moments meant something very different to steve.

a few weeks of steve acting strange has eddie panicking. he thinks all of his fears are coming true, so he gets mean after steve sits on the other side of the couch, barely looking his way. he decides to confront him. says how he knew king steve would do this, that it was all just an experiment, bullshit even. how he should have known.

and steve hears that word from someone he loves again and it breaks him. he lets his old self out to handle things. steve goes cold and totally emotionless. he's unaffected, untouchable and this is nothing, bullshit and he won't cry in front of eddie. make them think you don't care he thinks to himself.

he rolls his eyes, scoffs and tells eddie's it's over. tells him to throw his shit out, to lose his number, that he's had his fun, and the fling is over. and he walks out of the trailer without looking back. the minute forest hills is out of sight, the mask drops and he falls apart. he has to pull over so he can sob until he can't breathe. he's not sure how long he stays parked in the dark, crying over the fact that he lost eddie. that after everything they went through, apparently eddie never really saw him and never actually loved him. steve figures the only thing he can do is pretend he's fine.

eddie is broken. he is so shocked by the way steve left, laughed at him when he broke things off that he can't even cry until his uncle comes home in the morning. he wanted to fight about it. wanted steve to fight for him and instead, his worst fear came true.

seeing his uncle's concerned face is all it takes for him to finally break down. he cries and tries explaining what happened. wayne so much as tells him that none of it makes a lick of sense because that boy is head over heels for you son. eddie is heartbroken, totally unaware that his cruel words are the catalyst to the whole breakup. even when steve throws the words right back to him, eddie never makes the connection.

eddie doesn't handle it well. he's visibly falling apart during campaigns, stops going to band practice. loses weight he really couldn't afford to lose. steve seems fine. he's carrying on as if they were never even together. it hurts so badly to see steve carry on as if they weren't together and hadn't just broken up. the only person who knows all the painful details is robin because steve is convinced that no one needs to know, that it would out eddie. she occasionally glares eddie's way, but stays out of it at steve's insistence.

privately, steve is truly a mess. he's cried more over the last few months more than he has in his entire life. he tries to be there for the kids, to put on a happy face so no one knows just how badly eddie hurt him, but he feels the way the kids stare at him. he feels their concern so he just tries to fake it better. he tries to go out on dates, but none of them mean a thing. he can't touch them or kiss them without wishing it was eddie. he throws up the first time he tries to kiss a girl outside her apartment. it's wrong, it's not eddie and he only wanted to kiss him.

steve sees the way eddie is wasting away. the kids tell him about how eddie's depressed, quit his band and doesn't bother with the campaigns he wrote. it infuriates steve because how dare eddie act like he's the heartbroken one. eddie is the one who didn't want steve, couldn't reciprocate the love steve felt. he heard him so much as tell uncle wayne that it was nothing. that they were an experiment, that eddie always viewed him as the shitty high school jock he couldn't seem to escape. it just made steve bitchier towards eddie, because how dare he?! he ignores the worried voice in his head that wants to go to eddie. the urge to care for him never seems to fully leave.

it's not until wayne and steve finally run into each other a few months after the breakup that steve starts to think maybe eddie's actually hurting. wayne is kind to him, but has that disappointed look in his eye that hurts worse than any angry words. wayne looks tired and when steve asks how he is, he sighs the worlds heaviest sigh. tells steve about how eddie isn't doing so good. won't eat, won't leave his room. that he's watching his boy waste away and that he still doesn't understand what even happened between the two of them.

which...confuses steve. steve tells him as much. mentions the conversation he overheard, that he knows eddie doesn't love him, doesn't see him that way. he admits that he's in love with eddie, that he only walked away because eddie basically told him to. that he tried to make things work even when he knew that eddie wanted something different.

he asks wayne to keep the conversation between the two of them because he thinks eddie just needs time to let go. all wayne says in return is that eddie can't let steve go because he cares for you steve. my nephew makes a lot of mistakes, but make no mistake, the boy's missing you something terrible. steve knows wayne would never lie to him.

while steve and wayne have their heart to heart, robin finally cracks and confronts eddie. if she has to listen to steve cry himself to sleep one more time, she might commit homicide. the whole thing is ridiculous because she saw the way eddie looked at steve. he was either the world's best actor or something else is going on. so she makes her way over to forest hills knowing steve is busy grocery shopping and running errands.

when eddie opens the door, she actually gasps out loud because he looks terrible. too skinny, dark circles under his eyes, hair a wreck. he's not even wearing his rings. all her righteous fury dissipates as she looks at eddie.

he's quiet, all the manic, quirky energy that surrounds him gone. he looks like a shell of the man she knew only a few months ago. she asks why he is so heartbroken if steve meant nothing to him. asks him why he cares so much over someone who was just a fling, an experiment? she tells eddie how steve heard him say those things to wayne, and still stayed until eddie called him king steve, an experiment, and bullshit that fateful night.

she tells him that steve is good at faking it, that he's done it all his life for his parents. she makes eddie listen as she tells him about the way steve cries himself to sleep every night. that he thinks he is unlovable. that he thought eddie was different. eddie's sobbing as robin tells him the unseen truth of just affected steve's been by their breakup.

he remembers that night he lied to wayne. he knew even wayne knew he was full of shit, just trying to guard his heart in a vulnerable moment. his steve...he would have only heard the words. eddie thinks he can feel the moment his heart finally cracks in two because this whole thing has been a severe misunderstanding that he caused. he knows steve is afraid of being too much. he knows his parents treated him like shit, made him feel like his love had to be earned and then made sure he could never fully earn it. knows about how nancy broke his heart. robin made sure to tell him that she also called him bullshit.

robin holds back his hair as the throws up. stays with him while he showers and helps him detangle his hair. lets him cry on her shoulder. she helps him clean his room and do his laundry and lets him talk it out. he admits that he is deeply in love with steve. he tells robin about how he lashed out when he felt steve drifting away from him. she makes him eat and drink some water. and then, she tells him it's time to make things right as she's leaving.

they're both realizing there has been a misunderstanding of epic proportion. eddie is sick knowing that steve heard him say things he didn't mean at all. steve's new knowledge means that eddie really is doing that badly. dustin and mike have been talking about how terrible he looks, but steve just thought it was teenage dramatics. they said he'd lost weight, wasn't eating. the urge to go see him is nearly impossible to ignore, but he's still not sure if he can... the words eddie said still replay in his mind.

he thinks of wayne, looking so concerned. thinks of the look on eddie's face the night he told him to lose his number, the shock on eddie's face as steve basically laughed at him as he broke it off. regardless of anything eddie said, steve is the one who said the words 'it's over'.

oh, my, god. steve feels ill because eddie thought steve considered him the experiment and that was the reason he'd been pulling away. they're fucking idiots, the both of them. months of heartbreak because they have the communication skills of repressed neanderthals. after a few hours of ruminating over all the ways he's fucked up, steve knows he has to make things right.

eddie is on his way out of the trailer to fix things when steve's bmw flies around the corner, skidding to a stop next to his van. he looks unhinged, like he's been crying and repeatedly running his hands through his hair. he's still in his family video vest and he's out of breath like he's run a marathon.

they stare at each other for a few moments before they start talking at the same time:

eddie: i'm so sorry, i didn't mean a goddamn word. steve: no, i'm sorry, i didn't even try to talk to you, i just acted all weird and you could tell something was wrong and- eddie: no this not on you stevie, i should have asked what was wrong, i lashed out because i was afraid you were leaving and- steve: no, i could have just talked to you, i love you so much and i was afraid you didn't feel the same way eddie: no, sweetheart i'm so in love with you, god it made me a little crazy and i was scared, wayne was asking me questions and i got defensive and i was totally lying. i love you so fucking much. steve: i'm so in love with you eddie: i don't think of you as king steve, i do see you steve, i know you. you are so easy to love, i promise. there is nothing about you that's bullshit. steve: i didn't want to leave that night, ed. i was so hurt and you said it was an experiment and i'm so stupid, i thought you meant it was that for you- eddie: hey, you are not stupid. we both fucked up, but i was mean and you were trying to protect yourself. steve: but i hurt you, baby you look like you haven't been taking care of yourself, please let me take care of you. eddie: we can take care of each other, love. i've missed you, please, forgive me? steve: only if you forgive me too.

they spend the next several weeks making up. it's a lot of physically reconnecting, of course, but it's also talking through everything. they want to be sure that they're communicating. this means talking through all the painful stuff, from the start of the issues and even before. it's eddie opening up about his urge to run whenever things get too good, that something will go wrong and that he's too much. it's steve explaining his deep seated fear he has to earn love and that he's never worthy of it unless he's done enough. they both have abandonment issues to work through, but they are committed to working through all of it together.

the heartbreak suffered during the six months they spent apart ends up transforming their relationship into something unshakeable. it's deeper, filled with a more encompassing love than before. it's pages of beautiful love songs that eddie can't help but write. it's steve knowing he'll follow eddie without a second thought once the band finally gets their big break. it's their beautiful future, golden like daylight, defined by love and no longer controlled by fear.

Like daylight It's golden like daylight You gotta step into the daylight and let it go Just let it go, let it go I wanna be defined by the things that I love Not the things I hate Not the things that I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of Not the things that haunt me in the middle of the night I, I just think that You are what you love

[polyamorousmood]

hi how do I find a polycule willing to adopt a mentally deranged overly clingy and kinda dumb qpp who's also 17 (but turns 18 on nov 9) and has very limited communications due to living conditions and a mother who has outright admitted that if we don't move out she'll just keep curating out friends... oh also we're a system (if you know who's sending this ask no you don't shhh)

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the last ask: tumblr's the only place I can think of where that might be viable. 🤷‍♀️ The notes of This Post have a lot of poly/aro/aces, go follow a few and interact with them and hope for the best.

If there's another place, someone please name it, apparently its in high demand lol.

Just so you know, I do not know who this is. I know I've seen several systems following me, and I do not remember any of their URLs 😂

But also. And I know being 17 and being told you're too young to experience what you want to is bullshit, so please know that's not what I'm saying. If you can find exactly what you want, great, but... you don't have to be so desperate for it. Good things WILL come to you, and you CAN have a fulfilling time in the meanwhile. Your happiness does not hinge on finding that now.

It sounds like a bitch of a situation with your mother, and I think that's partially what's fueling this, and I'm sorry for all that beyond words. But jumping immediately into a situation where you're dependent on people who were previously strangers is a situation brimming with opportunities for abuse. Not that it will for sure happen, just that it easily could, and you might find yourself no better off than you are now. I have seen it happen. By all means, get out of there, but I am begging you -- I, me personally, am begging you personally -- be cautious, be safe. Don't get into anything you can't get back out of, one way or another.

I hope you'll forgive the unsolicited advice. I just. Building the life you want is a lot more than having a certain relationship. Its very important to me that people know this. You can be miserable with someone and you can be content alone. Anyone can.

I wish you luck, my friend. 🍀 Stop on by again 💙💖🖤

[queerprayers]

hi johanna! i want to try going to church, but feel self-conscious. i live in a small town, my friends are not religious and my family is ex-christian. i'm worried about people judging me, even though i know that shouldn't matter. some of my family seem embarrassed of how christian we used to be and they'd be surprised i want to go to church. i feel equally worried about walking into a church where everyone knows everyone but me or seeing someone i know! any thoughts are welcome. love your blog!

Hello, beloved!

I'm sure you're not alone in this situation—honestly, it can be kinda embarrassing to genuinely want to participate in faith, the way it's embarrassing to be earnest about anything. People who aren't religious can completely misunderstand the motivations and experiences of religious people, and while I don't know why your family left religion, both people who just weren't all that into it and people who have been hurt by or have serious issues with the church can be (sometimes understandably) antagonistic toward people who stay or join. 

Perhaps judgment "shouldn't" matter—but it does, to most everyone. Something something how our brains are wired to desire acceptance—I'm not a psychologist. It makes sense and it's okay. Caring what people think often coexists with empathy—they're both awareness of others, desiring good emotions in others. But we cannot let empathy become fear of ourselves. Empathy extends to our own souls too. Being genuinely faithful in the face of judgment from outside and within your communities takes strength. Creating a life of your own is terrifying. This isn't fair, but it is our calling. 

In recent years, I've embraced the uncool-ness of my earnestness—my beloved amalgam of philosophy and religion that started as an apocalyptic cult and was co-opted by empire and has a lot of weirdos and needs to repent of its crimes and has produced some of the most beautiful art in the world and that attracts people to the walls of churches even after everything. I'm almost glad in some ways that it's not the assumption anymore that everyone is Christian, that more and more you have to go out of your way to be part of this thing. (I'm not completely naive—I know that where I live is a majority Christian country, and I am not pretending oppression or minority status or counterculture. But I am often met with surprise that I'm Christian, and I treasure that.)

The small town thing is its own beast—I live in a city (small but I think it counts), but I currently go to church half an hour away in a very rural area, and there's a specific environment of knowing everyone that I only have a tiny experience with but can imagine how exposed it must feel to try something new or change your life in any small way. And there is definitely a small church culture that can feel intimidating, like sitting at a new table in high school, wondering if somewhere tight knit has room for another. I can never promise this, but I know with my church and many others, welcoming a new person into that tight knit community is the most natural thing in the world. You'll probably get a more personal welcome, and be invited to more potlucks, and I can't promise someone there won't know your mom, but it's doable even as an introvert. Church people want more people at church—in lovely communal ways or in evangelistic ways, and while I hope you meet the former, even the latter has its own welcome. There are definitely ways to dip your toes in the water of church without braving this—like visiting a church while you're out of town, or tuning into a virtual service—but I believe in you to take it a step further. If you come a few minutes late and leave a few minutes early to avoid any conversation, I salute you. If you see someone you know and flee the other direction, I understand. If you go once and have to wait a few months to be brave enough to go back, so be it. But you have as much a right to exist on holy ground as anyone, and you already have common ground to stand on because you want to be there, just like them. I don't know how many churches are near you, but you're already going outside your comfort zone, so you might as well step into one that you're not familiar with—a more traditional mass, or a hippie sing-along. Don't set limits on your journey that is about pushing past limits.

You want to try this out, and it probably feels lonely, and you'll have to stomach surprise and probably being looked down upon by people who feel they know better, feel they have evolved past the need for silly little ritual, or for whom religion only exists as closed-mindedness. I don't know if you're queer, but I've had similar experiences of being the one to embrace where God and my heart lead me, to the embarrassment or shame of those who have never encountered it or have stifled it within themselves.  You'll have to stand your ground, the way anyone who seeks something their family and friends don't has to do. Formulate some answers for questions you may receive—but no one has a right to your story. You're allowed to be casual about things that are deeply personal, you can say "I don't know, I was just curious" when everything in your soul is calling out for this. Being publicly faithful often comes after you've done the reconciling within yourself. Have patience.

If you're into saints, find some who have gone their own way—Francis of Assisi comes to mind. I even think of Moses, telling a member of his own adoptive family to let his people go, standing his ground for people he had only recently come to love. The faithful that have come before us had to live through—and die from—so much. Entering new communities has always needed strength, the strength of God. Often a lonely way at first, but your family's embarrassment or your friends' lack of understanding is not your burden. Their judgment is on them to swallow down or bear the guilt of acting on it. Your choices and calling is for them to reconcile. I'm not saying we should do whatever we want without regard for how it affects others, but you are not causing harm, and any tension will not have been created by you going to church, but by them disliking or not understanding this fact. And tension is sometimes necessary for people to reconcile with—it'll be good for them. You're probably doing them a favor—we all need to learn how to love people the way they will need to. It sucks to feel like a teaching tool, and I don't want to reduce you to that, but so often living a full life means people who can't deal with that have to learn. Looking at someone embracing what you never found a way to flourish within or understand is like looking at the sun sometimes—I've been there. But it is not for us to apologize for the light. And it often happens that being that light will move someone else to bravery.

I'm sorry it falls on you to be brave first. I'm sorry that religion is not simple or easy, but genuine desire can and will take you so far. I have a hunch that after the first time, a lot of things will make more sense. Beginning is half of the journey sometimes. If you've already begun since writing this, I'm very proud of you, and if you haven't, you have so much beautiful time. Faith is not all or nothing, and it is never too late. Life does not begin and end in your small town, and life can and will flourish—you are part of such a big world and history, for better and worse.

God is with you, regardless. God is right there, walking with you, moving your feet over the threshold of places you muster so much bravery just to enter. What shouldn't matter but does, deeply, heartbreakingly, can be both taken seriously and let go of, through the peace of Christ.

<3 Johanna

[black-butler-meta]

Why Ciel Being a Minor is Crucial

Something that constantly catches my attention as I read Black Butler is the emphasis on Ciel being a child. It’s brought up constantly in how other characters perceive him, and it also presents itself at times within his behaviors, particularly during traumatic events. It’s intentional and vital to the story and the themes and messages within it would not be the same if Ciel were an adult.

Ciel’s childlike nature and presentation is an integral part of the overall story and his development as a character. It serves three purposes:

It symbolizes that he is not yet past the trauma he endured when he was younger.

It serves to contrast against his more mature qualities and how others underestimate him because of it.

The presence of both mature and immature qualities provide symbolism for the transient stage of adolescence and how adults respond to it.

For the first point, Ciel’s persisting youth serves as a symbol of being stuck in one’s past trauma. He is thirteen years old, and yet he looks younger, likely due to his time in captivity where malnutrition was one of the many cruelties he endured. Additionally, he maintains some child-like characteristics within his personality and actions, such as being carried often by Sebastian, having Sebastian watch over him as he falls asleep, and an avoidance/ignorance around sex/sexuality. His childlike behavior is heightened during traumatic events, such as witnessing the slaughter of children within a replicated space of where his trauma occurred (Book of Circus arc), his near-death experience with Sebastian where he had to be forcibly restrained to receive treatment (Green Witch arc), as well as when he has PTSD nightmares. He comes across as very sheltered and avoidant of topics around sex, which at least partially correlates to his cultural upbringing within Victorian era England; however, his blatant lack of awareness of sexual topics/concerns pushes even beyond his cultural restrictions into the atypical (this will be expanded upon in a separate post).

Most, if not all, of these moments show a behavioral age regression in response to trauma. He may be 13 in the present, but the scared 10 year old still lives within him.

Age regression is typically divided into two types: voluntary and involuntary.

Ciel demonstrates both of these. He demonstrates voluntary age regression by allowing Sebastian to carry him around, as well as explicitly ordering him to watch over him while he sleeps. Although I’m not entirely sure on what are considered typical butler duties, one might even see the act of dressing and washing as babying, although this also seems an appropriate duty since I’m sure Ciel never had to dress himself as a young child. Still, none of us can deny that the act of dressing and washing are an intimate and personal form of care between Ciel and Sebastian, regardless of what side of the ship/no-ship fence you’re on. The number of frames/scenes of Ciel being dressed/undressed are evidence enough that these moments hold weight for both characters. Within all of these situations, Ciel is in control; he decides how he wants to be treated, and anyone who oversteps that boundary is met with hostility (e.g., Sebastian attempting to spoon feed him). By contrast, the involuntary age regression occurs during moments of trauma, which was already described above.

Either way, the childishness of Ciel communicates the message that while trauma may happen in a specific place and time, the impact of it is lifelong and takes years to overcome.

For the second point, it’s also important to recognize that while Ciel is childish in many ways, this youthfulness of him is always put in contrast to other aspects of him that are very mature. He’s an earl and has the responsibilities of an adult, the heaviest of which is to fulfill the Queen’s orders as her watchdog. Additionally, his intelligence and wry humor are very mature for his age, partially thanks to Sebastian’s influence and education - we saw on the flashbacks how little he knew at first and how much Sebastian had to teach him. If it weren’t for the childlike aspects present (physical smallness included), he could easily pass as an adult character.

The fact that he is technically a teenager and not a preadolescent is an important one. He knew early on that he would be perceived as a younger than he was due to his small stature. In order to carry out his vengeance, Ciel knew he had to integrate adult society. He had to work particularly hard to grow up as quickly as possible, which was why he allowed Sebastian to educate him so strictly. It worked; the queen recognized his position and maturity and allowed him to take his place as her watchdog, granting him the ability to pick up his father’s mantel and become part of the dark, seedy (and very adult) underworld.

However, it goes without saying that his youth is never forgotten amongst the adults that surround him. He is constantly looked at/treated as a child by others, including his enemies, and as such, they think they can either manipulate him or don’t see him as a threat. Ciel uses this to his advantage to best his enemies with his superior intelligence and Sebastian’s supernatural skills. He’s throwing their assumptions of him back into their faces. He isn’t a child; not anymore, and especially not after what he went through. Within the world of Black Butler, children are often treated as less than human, not worthy of respect or autonomy. They’re often compared to tools, dolls, or animals. Children are ‘things,’ created by adults and for adults. It’s a beautiful irony that it’s the cruelty of adults that has transformed Ciel into the very thing that’s going to destroy them (i.e., the adults responsible). Their hubris and the fact that they underestimate him due to his youth will be their downfall.

Of course, the conversation of whether Ciel is a child or adult is, in a way, a false dichotomy. The reality is that he exists somewhere in the middle; Ciel is neither fully a child nor fully an adult, and it’s this power struggle between his trauma and the world he lives in that provides symbolism for what it means to be an adolescent. Adolescence is a transitory period that is often overlooked or de-emphasized, particularly in western culture. Adolescence is often lumped in under the category of “child” with emphasis on the younger years of childhood, especially when it comes to topics of sex/sexuality (again, this will be discussed in a separate post). As such, there’s an invisible divide that exists in western culture between being a “child” and being an “adult.” This, of course, does adolescents a disservice, as adolescents are also going through major physiology changes, as well as dealing with a change in expectations from those around them. It’s a combination of adults restricting personal autonomy and self-identity for the adolescent paired with the pressure/expectation of the adolescent to behave as an adult and provide adult-level results.

This is what makes Ciel and Sebastian’s relationship so interesting. Due to the nature of the contract, Ciel is the one in control, rather than Sebastian. It’s a strangely balanced relationship between them, where Ciel is the master and Sebastian is the servant; and yet, at the same time, Sebastian is the mentor/guardian and Ciel is the mentee/apprentice. Sebastian is able to teach and establish rules that follow his role as his butler and play along with the game of upholding Victorian values (mostly), but in the end, Ciel is the one who has the final say on what happens. In this sense, their dynamic grants Ciel the autonomy and control that he craves, while also providing him with the support that he continues to need. In this way, Ciel is able to exist in both spaces at once: being a child in some ways, and being an adult in others. Both are central to who he is, and both are important.

[butchtwinkimp]

being a lesbian who ISNT an exclusionist (meaning mspec lesbians and trans(men) lesbians dont bother me) is NOT for the weak. Specifically when you identify w “controversial” identities too. Im not a binary trans man but I personally know 1 irl trans man who is a lesbian and plenty online and i have spoked w them and ultimately related more to their experiences than I do to cis lesbians (for context I am a transmasculine nonbinary lesbian) idk it was just so easy for me to understand where they were coming from and understand why they would want to identify that way, and personally i identify with terms like “boydyke” and “lesboy” and its so crazy to see all the online drama over these terms… and its so hard to find online lesbian spaces where I feel ..safe?? Tiktok is an absolute dumpster fire. Most of the lesbian reddits are super terfy, even towards trans women and fems, god forbid you mention you are transmasculine youll get downvoted to hell. Even on r/butchlesbians!!! I got banned for trying to explain why a binary trans man who lived his life as a butch woman for 25+ years, whose friends are all lesbians, whose wife is a lesbian, *MIGHT* still identify as a lesbian/with the lesbian community. And literally every other post on that sub is people questioning their gender confused whether they are butch or ftm or both! So idfk! Im tired of being called transphobic and lesbophobic for being transgender and a lesbian!! What the fuck!! I tried joining some facebook groups and the ones in my area literally either specify cis lesbians only or one of them literally had a questioneer asking if you think trans men are men and therefore cant be lesbians or if youre a disgusting terf that thinks all trans men are lesbian. Like… whatever happened to nuance..

[certified-moth]

Do you think people think "woman" is a neutral identify if they only think her lesbianism makes her queer and not her womannesss?

Like, uh, yeah, dumb ass, queer identities are only based in queerness. If you are not attracted to the same gender or trans, your identities are not queer. They do not impact your role in the LGBT community. A straight man who is cis but does not feel sexual desire is not queer. A cis straight kinky man isn't queer either. There's no identity identity you can give a cisgender, straight person or cisgender aroace person that would make them LGBT.

i think youre misinterpreting what i said. i dont think smth that doesnt contribute to someones queerness is neutral. i wasnt implying any part of anyones identity is neutral, i was noting that the treatment of aro and ace identities as neutral is a common belief in exclusionists. by that i mean that they are ignored as a factor impacting the lives of an individual. they are treated as having no meaningful impact on the persons sexuality, and that the only impact comes from the attraction present.

youre trying to define an example of queerness that i just dont agree with. the idea that same sex attraction is necessary is just kinda an arbitrary rule you believe in. I would personally say that the main connecting factor of the LGBT community is the way our identities have shaped the way we experience the world in comparison to cishet people.

i do actually think a heteroromantic asexual cis guy is LGBT if thats how he chooses to define his identity. Like i briefly mentioned in my post, our world is shaped around relationships. there are legal benefits to relationships. they are treated as a given expectation. to not experience sexual attraction greatly changes the way you experience relationships, as well as the way society treats you.

your entire argument just proves the point of my post. you view aromanticity and asexuality as inherently neutral, providing no experiences that could connect to queer experiences. You treat them as if they are just basically straight. but all the aro and/or ace people i have personally interacted with have far more in common experience-wise with queer experiences than they do with straight ones

(also i never brought up kink, i dont believe kink is inherently queer. im not sure but it kinda feels like you are conflating a sexual orientation and a sexual preference)

[littleeyesofpallas]

At this point I've basically long since run dry on Bleach funfacts, certainly out of any that have any real weight in the broader readings of the series. But I do have one not-so-fun fact still left up my sleeve --a real dead end nothing contribution... So buckle up, I guess? I apologize in advance if this ends up, like, I dunno, spoiling the aesthetic(?) for anyone. Feel free to just ignore this and move on if you're touchy about keeping your obsessive fandom experiences squeaky clean.

So, I noted back when I was combing thru Quincy terms, that it felt a little less than comfy that in addition to the general n*zi aesthetics Juugram's official title was in fact "Sternritter Grand Master" which felt, at the time, like an unfortunate coincidence that it would fall in line with the naming scheme of the K*K's nonsense titles like Grand Wizard/Grand Dragon, Grand Cyclops, Grand Magi and various other ridiculous sounding occultist LARPer horseshit they've cycled thru over the past century+. But I just kinda left it at that and didn't think to dig any deeper,

But then I was reminded that in the early days of the K*K one of their stated goals was to establish a white supremacist "country" inside the united states, and as they dabbled in this insurgency fantasy, they dubbed this goal of a secret, second, white nation within the confines of the USA, their "Invisible Empire"...

And although the word we hear throughout the TYBW arc is the German Wändenreich[ヴァンデンライヒ] from Wänden:“Walls” and Reich:“Empire/Realm,” the Japanese meaning underlying that term is [見えざる帝国]: “Unseen/Invisible Empire.”

In fact the white robed and hoods tradition stemmed from what were initially petty pranks(although they escalated very quickly in seriousness and danger) in which they would menace black communities and abolitionists by pretending to be the ghosts of dead confederates. In this capacity the imagery and language around them also evoked an "Army of Ghosts."

And although it was never properly addressed, there was always this vague issue of the Quincy's ages... Those with clear backgrounds like Juugram and Bazz-B seem impossibly old. And we see that As Nodt is recruited on what appears to be his deathbed --in a hospital, on life support and in fear of dying, with a bible on his bedside as if ready to be read his last rites-- and of course the Quincy genocide of 200 years prior.

And tangential to this, we see the brief, if mostly pointless, return of the three dead Fullbringers --Ginjo, Tsukishima, and Giriko-- who all seem to have retained their memories and powers across the borders of life and death. (We won't ask about how or why their fullbring items are still usable) Is it safe to speculate then that the Quincy are in fact a literal Army of Ghosts? It explains how they're able to go toe to toe with the shinigami in ways Uryuu's initial explanations of their skills would've suggested wasn't possible. (i.e. that they were describes as being regular flesh and bone humans and only their weapons are actually supernatural, and thus they are not capable of particularly extraordinary physical feats, or blessed with any superhuman durability.) And it also sort of makes more sense that rather than being a bunch of flesh and blood humans who survived losing the war, somehow spiritized themselves to get into the afterlife, and then hid for 999 years, that they could have just been humans who died first and were recruited as ghosts, having been spirited away into the shadow realm. Or Quincy that died with the full intent of reuniting as ghosts, having some kind of assurance that they would retain their memories and powers.

I like the former over the latter though, as it means the Ishida family really were the last living Quincy. But I do like the morbid idea of Yhwach commanding his army, Jamestown style, to kill themselves as the first step to them going to heaven. Only in this case the kingdom of god as they imagine it has to be fought for because the shinigami are already have a whole society there and need to be driven out first.

There is also a lot of "Knight" and "White Knight" imagery and titles evoked in the K*K's long history, and while that's absolutely vague enough to be handwaved on its own, it's definitely not not adjacent to all this....

(This has nothing to do with anything I just had already slapped the uniforms pic together and wanted to use it somewhere)

So to sort of loosely review everything going on with the Quincy....

Catholic inverted priest frocks, crosses, silver and exorcisms, holy eucharist angel wings&halo final forms, blood eucharist schrift, conversion based recruitment policies, the whole "one kingdom under god" shtick, miracle baby son of god christ figure, explicit mention of monotheism

but then also 5 pointed crosses/stars and pentagrams,

victims of a genocide with a dr.mengele nemesis, YHWACH-v-YHWH

inverted Hugo Boss uniforms, german themed attacks, skills and tools, crosses again, explicitly evoking the Schutzstaffel with Yhwach's royal guard, and nonsense blood purity eugenics b.s.... weirdly not touched upon "black sun" or swastika imagery tied to Ichigo

For some reason a few loose threads of what appear to be Loius XIV and his sun god apollo fixation, purifying light and sun and stars motifs

YHWACH having big Backbeard energy, the literal evocation of Backbeard, being a western ghost army

and now these mismatched crumbs of what appear to be deliberate K*K references: ghost army, invisible empire, grandmaster, etc...

Like... I don't think this makes them worse, or paints Kubo as some kind of crackpot racist --in case my stance on his use of n*zi imagery didn't make that clear-- but like... I don't know what to make of it honestly... It's as inconsequential to the actual message or plot as anything else, including the n*zi stuff, but it just feels weird knowing it's there? Just sorta loitering around in the background?? Also the Quincy are just such a bizarre clusterfuck of unfocused nonsense ""themes"" with like zero actual content just in general. Given everything that's in that slurry I think that might be for the better? Because any coherent message drawn from all of these influences probably couldn't have been any good...

[sharpened--edges]

The tension between liberal declarations of victory over racism and the real lived experience of Black people in America exploded into full contradiction with the [1965] Watts Uprising in LA. […] What followed was six days of “insurrection against all authority,” as the local CBS radio station reported it. “If it had gone much further,” the news report said, “it would have become civil war.” More than 950 buildings were damaged, and 260 were totally destroyed. Looting and property destruction amounted to over $40 million in damages — nearly $330 million today adjusted for inflation. But the destruction was hardly wanton or senseless. Almost no homes, schools, libraries, churches, or public buildings were even partially damaged. The use of arson was strategic and controlled. The majority of Black-owned businesses were not looted, nor were those businesses that were seen as dealing fairly with the community. Signs went up saying “Black-owned” or “soul brother” and the like, which would (usually) protect a shop from rioters. On the other hand, businesses that had traditionally exploited people, in particular pawnshops, check-cashing stores, and department stores that operated aggressively on credit, went up in flames. Credit records were usually destroyed before anything else took place. Brave rioters even made attacks on police stations; one was set alight. The tactics were simple but effective, as Gerald Horne records in his important history of the Watts Uprising, Fire This Time. One common tactic saw a group of rioters, usually young men, drive up to a business, hop out, break out the windows, then drive away. Then cars of looters, a much more mixed group, split between men and women, young and old, would arrive and work to empty the store. The store would only be set alight once credit records had been destroyed and goods had been fully looted. Rioters usually remained nearby to make sure the building burned, attacking firemen with bricks and bottles if they tried to put out the flames before the fire had fully consumed the hated business. Tactics reflected effective communication and mobility among the rebels. Rioters transmitted information over the radio waves, used payphones to spread intel, and listened in to police broadcasts to see where cops would be deployed. False reports were called in to send police scrambling, at which point areas they’d just “pacified” could be re-taken. In areas they didn’t entirely control, rioters focused on hit-and-run strikes, then dispersing quickly to reappear elsewhere. All of these tactics would be adopted and practiced, with local modifications, in other riots throughout the period. The media described these as guerilla tactics, and police and reactionaries compared the situation in Watts to fighting the Viet Cong or the Mau Mau of Kenya. Rioters often appreciated the comparison: many, encouraged by the thought of Malcolm X, Revolutionary Action Movement (RAM), Robert F. Williams, and local militants, understood their actions as guerilla warfare, too. Other rioters tied their actions to anticolonial struggle via resistance to imperialist war. Many men of draft age interviewed afterward said something very similar to what one rioter told SNCC newspaper The Movement: “I’d rather die here than in Vietnam.”

Vicky Osterweil, In Defense of Looting: A Riotous History of Uncivil Action (Bold Type, 2020), pp. 196–8.