#what i've been reading lately

[panevanbuckley]

when the hyperfixation kicks in like crazy and you end up reading far too many fics in a matter of days

[rin-may-1103]

[graveyardgremlins]

Dead on main, but Constantine is the cupid and it has the same pacing and format as an issue from hellblazer

[sysig]

Utterly Defeated (Patreon)

[sunshine-and-her-ikevil-stuff]

I haven't even read it yet and it ALREADY HURTS (even more so with context of what happened just before)

I already feel too many emotions

screaming "I DIDN'T HAVE IT IN MYSELF TO GO WITH GRACE, 'CAUSE WHEN I'D FIGHT YOU USED TO TELL ME I WAS BRAVE!"

[silusvesuius]

unleashing the same hellscape i did on my notes app here it's my nelvas thinking dump i wrote just for fun and to keep track of what i view them as up 2 this point. Might change my mind on it later on it has a lot of things written in brackets for no reason . it's like ~2500 words long which isn't much but i think i said everything i've had in my mind for now read it for fun if you like to have fun leik me :) And talvas :) And nelothxP

retyping what i said in the tags of those last text posts and rearranging those thoughts a bit: in my train of thought that's been going steady since early 2024 i'm almost certain that neloth might see talvas as the epitome of being morally Clean (before that changes because of neloth's influence over him) and generally pure as a person. pure not used in the Pervert way; neloth is just a veeery big fan of talvas having absolutely no backbone and being very docile when it comes to him. which is r expected traits 4 someone if they find themselves under neloth's thumb as an apprentice, but it being written that he isn't at all catty and defiant to his face is cute. all talvas manages to do is shit talk neloth to others and pray neloth doesn't find out he meant the things he said but also can’t help feeling bad about it, even though neloth doesn't and wouldn't care, if he found out. neloth is happy with being an obnoxious & disgusting person. truly.. him growing obsessed with talvas' docile and innocent nature doesn't necessarily have to add up to him wanting to Taint or Ruin him (and if it happens ((it does)) it's not done on purpose, neloth can't hold that much control and power of his actions in that specific department). he encounters difficulties when he realizes he actually wants that Elven Twink.. it's too far gone to fix anything after he's tampered with talvas' patience and stability, and even then he can't be honest with talvas about anything, because he still wants to hold a great deal of power over him (neloth essentials for survival).

Might be the type to just want talvas to magically(haha) think it's okay that his wizard master desires him and expect that energy right back without talvas actually acknowledging it because it'd make neloth feel insanely cringy and embarrassed.. humiliated.. EVEN. but that's just in a deep deep dark corner of his mind, he isn't stupid. when trying to gain 'access' to his apprentice ("*His* apprentice" is also kinda funny way of viewing his mind too. just cause talvas is working as an apprentice under him neloth probably already feels a concerning sense of ownership over him that makes him feel very good) he can't even make the signs of interest be apparent to talvas because he's insanely inept at being Soft and honest for obvious reasons. he can tell what possibly could make talvas warm up to him even after he treats him like shit for eons but there's no way he's bringing himself to do it (change is embarrassing, especially in their formal dynamic, and especially at his age). so it's a half-assed attempt (actually he's trying his hardest🙄) to try and make talvas be (at least) less afraid of him. not that talvas has any other place that we know of that he "Belongs" to, he just sticks with neloth regardless of anything. neloth watching him as he sleeps ensues . Guys what do i do to make my apprentice let me hit because all of the eye contact i do with him while gripping his arm or petting his knee isn't helping. 

if we were to go back to how that spark is ignited in neloth swamp of a heart, brain… idk, it has to be when he realizes talvas' capability of forgiveness and 'Sucking it up' instead of lashing out at neloth after .. anything, but perhaps physical abuse in particular. neloth a 100% has absolutely no problem putting his hands on anyone, especially someone he sees so often, such as talvas. not that talvas really annoys him (his clear and voiced obedience pleases neloth as anyone can tell), but he just doesn't see it as too much of a big deal. the physical mistreatment that happens once in a blue moon isn't intense enough to scare off talvas for sure anyways. neloth is a bitch so all he can so is smack him at the back of the head (talvas finds it very normal) and slap him if he's feeling festive (something talvas finds kinda extreme but not that it happens often. he sometimes feels like he deserves it, or that neloth is warranted to do as he pleases. he tosses around it being justified or pitying himself, though). May be possible that neloth would realize he Like Likes talvas once he slaps him, mayhaps, for the first time, but talvas' immediate reaction to being treated like that is just sadness mixed with feeling shame for tearing up/crying in front of someone he respects *bishoujo sparkles sfx*. talvas is a delicate soul so he can't hold warranted emotions like that for long, and even tho it's expected of him to be making eye contact w/ neloth in a setting like that, he wouldn't be able 2 bring himself to do it because looking at neloth would make him wanna burst out in tears like a weeeee baby. Booo hooo.. talvas is the 19th century (4th era) damsel that runs out of the ball in tears after no young cavalier invited her to dance. watch this bleed into the most awkward and silent week of neloth's entire life because talvas doesn't even really feel like speaking to him or looking at him, but neloth doesn't wanna brute force the usual respectful etiquette out of him cus he thinks that's just gonna make talvas hurl himself down on some rough rocks at the seashore. Good thing talvas is very spineless and forgiving (especially in relation to neloth… i mean.. who r YOU to not forgive him) so that might just last a day or two. the hurt always stays tho. neloth this is why talvas doesn't wanna smash you.. you might've made some conclusions about what elven twink you like but talvas is just even more scared of you now. was your Pervert awakening worth it. and even if we do backflips and jump thru the point where everything is too far gone for either of them to go back, dude is still too afraid to make out with his apprentice. Deserve. but why though because talvas wouldn't refuse. for what reason? we may never know

^^^ this makes me feel like i love seeing characters i reaaaalllly love (elenwen and talvas in this case) as enigmas in situations where they're confronted with something so ""Intimate"". elenwen's stance on this is final tho cause she's a grown ass woman and there's no way you could reshape her brain. ulfric left her mind plane in SHAMBLES. talvas has more right (in the literal sense) to be erratic or inconsistent with his actions. maybe he likes to be desired. Also i strongly believe that talvas has probably never been in love (for any reason rly but it's mostly him not having actual time for it + not seeing it as something that is important to him at that point in his life)… i want neloth to be his first experience with Love so that it ruin his view on it forever. can't get myself to say he'd be in love with neloth at any point though. From his standpoint it really should feel empowering and 'nice' that neloth wants him in many ways (ew).. cause that's a man with status.. power.. ability to do anything rly . talvas is in no condition to be playing mind games with him or anything tho so don't get that idea. he's not strong enough of a person to be Tricking anyone or to be Playing with anyone's feelings. neloth would be immune to that, too. neloth can just kinda tell talvas is too good and … UNTAINTED. talvas wants to see the best in everyone. too bad he genuinely detests you, neloth.. so: he doesn't actually love neloth but wouldn't be happy to see his tombstone either. SO (PART TWO): if you time it right he wouldn't be against getting Freakkkkyyyy with you okay?but no promises

even if @ some point talvas develops indistinct feelings towards neloth cause of neloth's own incessant weird-mild advances it wouldn't have to mean he just likes old men permanently now. actually it kinda does. i can sorta feel it rearranging his braincells and making him unable to normally interact with people in his age range. he probably already had a hard time talking to others in hopes of developing a friendship just cause he's timid but after neloth's nonstop abuse and Accidental romance mind games he morphs into a whole new type of guy. it's hard to notice at first but he'd probably just start to leech off of neloth's prissy and unbearable personality in a natural course of things + neloth is the only person he sees and talks to on the regular pretty much. < this can just be reworded as just the cycle of abuse and whatnot. if he notices an opening in the abilities and Smarts of another person, especially someone his age/younger, he will automatically see them as umm…stupid. and also insult your abilities to your face if he snaps. he strikes me as the type to be afraid to say what he really thinks (another consequence of being glued to neloth all the time when all talvas does is act like he totally respects anything he says) and gets scared if anything slips out his mouth but is proud in letting the "Truth" be known because he already figured out you're a lesser being than him. he's just cloning neloth's verbal abuse braincells though he would never put his hands on someone. his desire to be mean and see himself as superior stems from neloth always disparaging him obviously.. talvas 4 that reason is very self conscious of his abilities and doesn't rly think he's all that useful or talented. his self doubt then would play into how he doesn't know when to believe what others are saying to and about him.. i wanna imagine that talvas is very oblivious to neloth's weirdo status just cause he partly doesn't even want that thought to cross his mind. i bet everyone but him sees it and finds it gross😕 but nobody in the vicinity is strong enough to tell neloth that he should be ashamed LMFAO. if you would try and even hint to talvas that it's happening he'd never take you seriously and just get mad. he's protective of neloth's image more than neloth himself is; not that people knowing neloth has abnormal sodomistic inclinations toward his apprentice would make his public image worse than it already is (everyone already thinks he's weird so it's not shocking at all) but talvas still wouldn't wanna hear it cause he thinks it's just false. maybe he's just ashamed that he's being brought into the whole thing. also because he doesn't wanna face the reality EJI23JRIO32KJ Well talvas when neloth makes an actual move on you don't say that we didn't warn you.. we're all waiting till neloth's status as an obvious apprentice-pervert becomes obvious to you

even if he's willingly ignorant of the fact he still thinks of the 'accusations' a lot when he feels like it. and unknowingly begins feeling even more uncomfortable in neloth's presence. heart starts beating faster and everything. neloth could come up to him meters away and talvas would still cover his mouth in realization and be like "i knew it… the DB told me but i didn't wanna believe it …..😦 so you really do like young men … and you're in love with me ..😨" *Neloth wakes up from this fever dream drenched in sweat* < neloth doesn't want (obvi) talvas to react that way at any point because he himself would just get scared so they'd just be staring at each other wide eyed. but talvas jumping into his advances isn't what he wants either (that'll also scare him). neloth is still relying on talvas' politeness to let him do as he pleases. but it is impossible for talvas to let it slide without questioning anything regardless so🤷‍♀️ take your few Ls and move on. neloth just wants talvas to sit on his lap. wants to spoonfeed him soup. he's so romantic. he also wants to(sniper on rooftop blows my head to bits). neloth is actually a pretty touchy feely person when he's feeling Frisky (=deranged about talvas). I'm certain his favorite part of talvas' body is his legs. talvas has beautiful young man skipping leg day legs. so nothing special at all but neloth wants to touch them lol.. let your master wizard squeeze your calves and he might just be occupied enough like a kid playing with a fidget toy to not abuse you verbally for 3 seconds. as i said befoar neloth is unpleasant with his touch because he doesn't know how to be soft + doesn't even want it to necessarily feel very 'rewarding' as to not pamper talvas. petting talvas kinda turns into a nervous habit for himself and an instrument of some sort of Reassurance 4 talvas when he wants him to know he’s not mad, for example. non-vebal confirmation. talvas still finds it weird but thinks it’s a charm point too. neloth wouldn't even be against touching him familiarly in front of others but only in a "older male figure" ways ex. touching his knee or putting his hand at the back of his neck (talvas sees it as some sort of disciplinary tactic though). physical touch that matches neloth's age and is enough for it to be seen as not necessarily romantic / overtly weird. 

there'ssssss no saving talvas after such a powerful person gets his hands on him. any will to leave would leave HIM either out of fear or out of attachment and neloth wouldn't just let him go (Alive at least) since he knows the things he knows. if talvas were to escape i'm a Truther of him not feeling in place and wanting to go back cause it's the stability that he's used to. but tbh if he encounters neloth on accident anywhere he's gonna start running. I was drinking tea while writing this and started choking on it i just nearly died writing this are youhappy. anyways, nelvas is a never-ending abusive relationship that doesn’t even have High highs, all it has is low lows. neloth always mistreats talvas for any reason but is never genuinely kind from the heart or out of remorse. .. hmm……yeah. I forgot to type this back out from my posts tags > talvas might just start viewing neloth as fuck crazy and demented after he Finally notices at least one molecular sign of gay attention from him . like ‘Oh wow Master Neloth obviously doesn’t get any female attention or anything cus he’s a sick fuck why does he have to search for it from me Can varona take the hit for me 🥺 *sees her dead body being dragged by the DB* hmm i guess not well i’ll figure something out i guess’ (he doesn’t) also the dialogue talvas has with varona after he steals neloth’s book trying to conjure some bs up will always be so cute to me he’s so defensive and afraid of neloth finding out. Him trying to decipher neloth’s handwriting is cute TOO ik their 19th century love letters to each other would go crazy and make sense to anyone but each other but i’m not gonna talk about 19th century girl talvas x neloth rn it’s too much . what ever. i think i’m done thank you i should just go back to drawing them as grecian pottery red figures or smthj Fun stats for you 4 getting to the end: times the word ‘abuse’ is used: 6

[not-neverland06]

I just discovered you not too long ago but you are probably one of my top favorite writers rn

Its like you live in my brain. Im never embarrassed by what you make the reader say or do. dont even get me started on how delicious your angst is. I am a retired angst connoisseur and the way in which you write it brings me back to when i first discovered the sweet masochistic itch that had never been properly scratched.

Tldr your writing tickles my brain in all of its folds <3

I can't express to you how much I needed to read this. I've had the worst week of just shit compounding on shit and have officially understood what exactly the ao3 curse is because WTF is happening to me.

Anyway, this was so wonderful to read even if it seems like such a simple little thing. I want you to know how important messages like these are to authors. Thank you so much for your support and I'll continue to do my best not to embarrass you <33333

[cardentist]

regarding kyle from the evillious chronicles/daughter of evil series:

I don't think people ever put this in blunt enough terms, but kyle was a Victim in the situation.

"kyle had a crush on a lesbian and that's why he's a bad irredeemable character" is a take that I Still see used completely unironically to this day, and it's so baffling to me.

prim marlon, kyle's mother, is in possession of the sword of venomania, the vessel for the demon of lust. she used that sword to possess king arth, someone who was not interested in her romantically and had a wife, and forced him to have a baby with her (something that she made him forget after the fact).

to put it bluntly, as the fandom often doesn't, this was rape. she used magic to coerce him into having sex with her against his will. this is a consent issue, the power of the venomania sword is Inherently a consent issue.

and then what she did see, is she intentionally put kyle in an arranged marriage with the purpose of one day coercing him to break it.

for those who aren't aware. prim was in love with arth, arth was in love with anne. arth and anne got married and had children (riliane and allen), prim plotted to get revenge and had intended to burn the entire world if necessary to get it.

in that process she intentionally arranged a situation where riliane would be possessed by the demon of pride without her own knowledge, affecting her behavior.

riliane would become more volatile as she grew up, and in that time she'd Also grow up knowing that kyle was intended to one day marry her. having kyle Reject that marriage was Intended to send her into a blind rage, that was what prim wanted to happen.

so what she did was give kyle the venomania sword as a "gift" and Didn't Tell Him What It Did.

it was the Sword that influenced him to develop a crush, it didn't matter to prim who that crush was on only that it happened. and this, as I need to make perfectly clear. Was Prim Violating Kyle's Consent.

prim, kyle's own mother, used demonic sex magic to Force him to develop feelings that he might not have otherwise.

this isn't the only way that she hurt him, she abused him throughout his life, but I Need the fandom to internalize this.

kyle's crush was not his fault, kyle's crush was him having His Own Consent violated without his knowledge. He was the victim in this situation.

and notably ! when venomania (as the sword is named after) made a contract with the demon of lust he kidnapped women to his sex dungeon basement. when Kyle was unknowingly possessed by the demon of lust he gave a girl he had a crush on a hug.

kyle Never forced himself on michaela, he never made her do anything she didn't want to do, he just Liked her and wanted to get to know her. the fact that she was actively falling in love with someone else at the time Wasn't His Fault.

and moreover, Kyle Did The Right Thing By Ending His Arranged Marriage With Riliane.

kyle was in his early 20s, riiliane was Fourteen Years Old. the marriage was arranged without his consent when he was a child, it's not his fault that he was in that arrangement in the first place. but it's Objectively A Good And Moral Thing that he broke that arrangement, despite what ended up occurring in response.

nobody has to Like kyle, but you Cannot criticize him without acknowledging that he was intentionally manipulated, abused, and Possessed by his mother into making the mistakes that he did. kyle is not the villain of the daughter of evil series, prim is.

kyle's only crime was being straight and not wanting to be married to a minor, and in that I think he can be forgiven

The daughter of evil series: [Link] The entirety of the evillious chronicles: [Link] A guide to the series: [Link]

[winchestersheaven]

me: i’m gonna read Rodney McKay fics

fandom: we have lots of McShep

me: McShep is good, i like that ship

me: so, McShep fics with Rodney feels, please

fandom: sure thing, lots of Rodney feels here 😇

fandom: *bombards me with unexpected John feels*

me: hey, uh. why is my heart all fucked up?

[ranchthoughts]

BL WRAPPED 2023

thanks for the tag @distant-screaming (here)! I decided to get a little creative with it, and also customized it a bit to myself (I'm not a big soundtrack or fanfiction person).

This also functions more or less as my "First Year in BL" post - I watched my first BL in mid January 2023, made this sideblog in mid March 2023, and I haven't looked back since.

I'm going to tag @airenyah, @chickenstrangers, @colourme-feral, @sollucets, @twig-tea, @waitmyturtles, and @williamrikers to do any version of a wrap up they please (or none at all!). I'm also curious to see other people's years summed up, so if you're reading this feel free to tag me - I haven't been on Tumblr much lately so I know I've missed things.

[meymeyzart]

tough crowd I guess...

[yuppievalley]

blehhh

[saltyloafy]

the "came back wrong" idea but its how kazuma thinks of himself after he gets his memory back post dgs2-4.

even with his memories back, he can't wash away the dirt and the callouses on his hands from 9 months working at sea as a manual laborer, an experience he never would have lived had he never gone through the tragedy on the ss burya

he can't get the look in ryunosuke and judicial assistant mikotoba's eyes when they first learned of the assassination contract that he willingly participated in out of his head, the look that said that maybe the kazuma they knew, the kazuma they LOVED, did in fact die and stay dead on that boat

kazuma was never truly carefree even as a boy with the shadow of his supposedly serial-murderer father over him but now that the sheet is fully off of the gruesome scene, can he really ever go back to who he was before? will the guilt of the deaths he couldn't stop just move into the hole left in his heart left by the resolution of his life's ambition?

or how about how kazuma wanted to be the one to show ryunosuke the ropes of being a defense lawyer, but by the time he found him again, he had already grown into everything that he hoped that he could be (just without him). now that he was on the side of the prosecution, kazuma could never stand by his side in that way ever again, yet another thing that changed over that year that he was 'dead'. ryunosuke took his perception of kazuma's dream and flew to greater heights than kazuma ever could have(this is kazuma's thoughts talking), all the while while with kazuma's defense band around his arm and karuma at his hip. 'kazuma asogi' was already living on through ryunosuke, so why did kazuma still need to be here? he could no longer do what he had come to England to do, because someone else had already taken up that niche perfectly

if kazuma wasn't the son of a mass-murderer, the defense attorney who changes the judiciary, or ryunosuke's partner, than who was he?

I think kazuma deserves to be a little fucked up by the shit he was forced to go through as a result of the professor case being dragged out into the open and also his amnesia / hong kong adventure. kazuma already has his new goal in life figured out by the end of the resolve of ryunosuke naruhodo?? I disagree. I don't think kazuma would fit as perfectly into the role of a prosecutor as quickly as he did. I don't doubt he would be a very good prosecutor but after the adrenaline of the professor case fades away, there has got to be some growing pains,,, and seeing ryunosuke having adjusted so well to his absence (221B fam :) ) could not have felt great, even if he would've been accepted into that family in milliseconds if iris got a peak at that tortured face but that's besides the point here

the way that kazuma acted all cold to ryunosuke and susato during the van zieks trial, I can't help but think that he tried to distance himself out of fear that they'd see he had changed and not want to be around him anymore. that because he wasn't the same kazuma that had left japan's shores aboard the ss burya that he wasn't worth being a part of their family anymore. obviously he couldn't be more wrong. but let the samurai boy have a bit a brooding time, he deserves it

[momentomori24]

I like to headcanon Shin as a hardcore atheist (complete opposite of Hiyori who's a very religious person). He can't see himself believing in a higher power, not when his plights and tragedies and suffering were always met with indifference by whatever higher power may exist. But not by Sou Hiyori-- his guardian angel all throughout high school. His protector and his tormentor. His saviour and his captor. Someone he devoutly followed for years after having found him. Someone he looks up to; someone superior (always "Hiyori" while he's still "Shin", never his equal). Someone whose teachings he takes to heart and lives by. Someone he seeks out instinctively in his hour of desperation and need. Someone whose hand-me-down he wears dutifully around his neck to keep him close at all times. Someone who will praise him for his obedience and dependency and punish him for his defiance and independence. Someone he loves and respects and fears all at once. The moon can't shine without the sun, and Hiyori all but shone upon him when he couldn't find the light within himself. Shin doesn't believe in God, but loving Hiyori is the closest he's ever gotten to religion. I think it's poetic, in a way.

[13thdoodle]

bunch of Phantasy AU doodles n wip from earlier this year

Basically I just found out this year that ball-jointed dolls actually have strings in them and not just... magically attached by the ball joints themselves? And 31 in this AU is a ball jointed doll that were made out of Danny's energy so here we are :3c

I've been watching a lot of doll customization since earlier this year and found out from dollightful's video that no they are all connected by elastic strings inside so that's where the idea came from

...i was looking on google to find a good example to put here and clearly I'm not exactly paying attention to how the main body strings are actually.. pinned to?

the video I've been watching the most is dollightful n moonlight jewel and they have their bjd usually only to the bottom of the doll head instead of all the way to the top on the skull pin like the diagram above

Which is why 31 has his strings all connected to the 'heart' in the middle instead of the head kasjdnkasjnd

But yeah uhhh specifics aside...

----

Those ball jointed dolls made me think of 31, and then thinking about the clones in Phantasy AU and like.. the logistic of it

for 31, the idea is that during the circus gothica arc for this AU, Danny actually got kidnapped all the whole way into another universe/plane in which he met Valeska (Enn's oc) who unalive what his face the circus leader n break Danny's hypnosis

and now that Danny is essentially stuck in a whole other plane/realm/or sth he just following Valeska hoping she'll help him find his way back.

In one such trip, Danny got kidnapped (again) by another group/cult who wanted to use his power/energy as a gate keeper to the ghost zone to make their own gate keeper so they can open portals to ghost zones and maybe other realms too

31 is part of the experiments. He's a doll made with part of Danny's energy as his core.

And then it's.. uhh.. sth sth Valeska finally found out where they kept Danny and devour everyone there safe from Danny n 31 who helped him escape so now the three of them travel together~

The last pict is me thinking about clones and kingdom hearts :tm: so dramatic about Danny being the soul separated from the main body and 31 a clone made from part of the soul too and all that Not sure where I'm going with that but it do sound cool

And there's also Danielle but I'm not exactly sure.. how she would fit in? but it would be interesting if she was made from Danny's body somehow

so 31 made from part of teh soul and Dani from part of the body sounds poetic somehow

[can-of-slorgs]

Finished the Seashells collection a couple of weeks ago, so I drew my girl who did it all possible.