#what would be good for my gallbladder/ lack of a gallbladder

[hazel2468]

Ok I gotta bitch about something real quick here.

So, good news first- got a diagnosis. PCOS. I had a feeling (and several of my friend are now correct), but it's good to have a solid "Yeah, this is what's going on here".

But anyway. Kvetch time.

So, my endo is pretty great. She offered to hook me up with their gender specialist, so I might be getting the ball rolling on that soon, which is exciting and terrifying. But we had a call and went over everything. More good news- my levels look great. Everything is normal and my thyroid levels are, quote, "beautiful". But we started talking about PCOS, talked a little bit about HRT. And then she brought up diet stuff, which I imagine is standard.

But what annoyed me was that she was talking about how to adjust what I eat because of "health risks". And so I asked her to clarify for me- is there anything in my labs of concern? And she said no- everything looks fine and dandy. I asked if there is any indication that I should be making any kind of serious changes based on my labs. Again, no. Everything looks good.

So... The only "issue" there is my weight.

My levels are good. I've been in a bit of an experimental "what can I eat that won't upset the void where my gallbladder used to be?" phase, but overall I've been eating the same as I have for years. I did tell her I wanted to work out more and, now that I'm fucking finally fixing my sleep schedule I might actually be able to make time to lift in the mornings.

But what annoyed me was that all of that stuff- good stuff- eating in a way that doesn't upset my intestines, working out more because fuck it I wanna be a strong theydy, the fact that my labs are not only normal but look great... All of it just falls before the fact that I am fat. All of it.

And to be clear, I'm not pissed at my doctor, specifically. I'm pissed because all of it seems so standard. It's the "this is the PCOS spiel" kind of thing- the general stuff that you say. And the annoying thing is that, apparently (and I was already well aware of this but it always sucks to be reminded), it doesn't actually matter what my habits are, what I eat, if I work out or not, how my labs look, at least in the eyes of the general medical standards.

No, what matters is that I am fat, and therefore I am unhealthy and need to change everything- even though literally everything else speaks to the contrary.

And what's even MORE annoying is that... I have PCOS. I have hypothyroid. Those are BOTH conditions that cause weight gain. Those are both conditions that make losing weight even harder than it already fucking is for most people.

So the fact that the medical standards for diagnosing someone with PCOS involve looking at their BMI and determining that they need to change their whole lifestyle solely based on how they look- not on their actual habits, not on their ACTUAL LAB RESULTS, but their weight?

IDK that just annoys me. It pisses me off. It put a damper on the whole "You have an answer finally AND also you're doing really well health wise.... OH but you're fat and so we need to lecture you about your diet and exercise and imply that the reason you should do those things is to lose weight."

[skzsauce01]

Losing Game

Description: Jeongin loves you to death. Based on Duncan Laurence’s “Loving You is a Losing Game.”

Warning: death, war, inferiority complex

Word count: 1.7k

Pairing: fem!reader x Yang Jeongin

A/N: Thank you to my SG friend for the military consult lol

Loving you is a losing game.

That’s what he thinks as he watches you fall to the ground. Time seems to stop, and in that moment, he sees your life together flash before his eyes.

He met you in high school. You were lab partners for biology, and he never thought anyone could look good in a lab coat until you walked up to him and introduced yourself. 

“Hi!” you said. “I’m Y/N. You’re Jeongin, correct?”

“Y-yeah. Sorry you’re partnered with me; I’m not that smart.”

You laughed amusedly and he could feel a warmth spread across his chest. “Well, Jeongin, I hope I can prove you wrong. Biology’s really fun, and I think you’ll find yourself better at it than you think.”

Jeongin never once met anyone who had such confidence in his academic ability. Your words resonated with him, and in the end, he really did do better than he could have imagined. He didn’t exactly find biology as fun as you suggested, but he would study late into the night for that one class just because it was on something you liked. He would stare at the tips and pointers you hand wrote for him until they’re etched into his brain, and imagine that little smile of yours whenever he did well. 

“This is the gallbladder, right? Next to the kidney? We need to dissect that out,” he’d once said.

“Right,” you nodded. Leaning towards the mouse pinned to your dissection tray, you began to pinch the gallbladder with your forceps. At that moment—one Jeongin thinks was sent from above—a strand of your hair falls into your face.

“Dang it,” you cursed, trying futilely to push it away with the non-gloved part of your wrist.

Jeongin, who was designated notetaker for the day, set his pen down. “Do you need help?”

“Yeah. If you don’t mind, can you grab a bobby pin from my pencil pouch?”

He bent down to your backpack and did as told, but was not expecting the heart attack he got when he straightened back up to see you leaning towards him.

“W-would you like me to put it on for you?” he stammered.

“If you don’t mind.”

Putting that bobby pin in your hair was the single most difficult thing Jeongin had ever done. The second most difficult thing was ignoring how hard his heart was pounding against his ribs afterwards.

“You’re pretty good at this dissection thing,” he comments, clearing his throat and trying to distract himself.

You beam. “You think so? I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

“You’d definitely be a very good one.” Jeongin felt a little nervous. Would you still consider someone like him by your side when you are rich and successful?

What Jeongin thinks he lacks in intelligence, he makes up for with tenacity. For all three years of high school, he slaved through the most difficult of science courses just to stay by your side. To his surprise, you stuck by his side too, ignoring your more high-achieving peers’ dissuasion and their mockery towards someone like Jeongin.

Loving you is a losing game.

“Heyo,” you greeted him one lunch period, pulling a chair up to his desk like you’ve done every day for the past few years.

Jeongin quickly hid the barely-passing math quiz his teacher just handed him. “Hi, Y/N.”

You frowned, noticing his unusual demeanor. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he insisted, sipping nervously on his water.

You turned your head toward the chalkboard where his teacher had written the mean and standard deviation of the test. “Math?”

He signed helplessly and nodded.

“Do you need any help?”

He bit his cheek. “You’re already carrying me in chemistry; I don’t want to keep bothering you.”

“You’re not a bother. Besides, what are friends for?” Seeing that he wasn’t budging, you asked, “What do you want to do in the future?”

What did he want to do? That was a good question. He had gotten so used to just following you, he did not have much of his own direction. He did know that whatever college you were going to, he did not have much of a chance with, so what was he going to do?

You continued, “If it’s not math related, I don’t think you have to be so stressed about one grade.”

“But you’d never have done as poorly as this,” he couldn’t help but mutter.

You furrowed your brows immediately. “Jeongin, do you compare yourself to me?”

“Well, not exactly, but I— I mean, obviously, I can’t—”

“Jeongin,” you cut him off.

“I know I shouldn’t—”

“Jeongin.”

You only continued when you finally got him to look you in the eye. “I think you are brilliant. Really, I do. You have a unique ability to see different aspects of things I have never even considered. Sure, you may not score the highest on tests and exams, but the school system only measures one type of intelligence; it just happens to not be yours. It doesn’t mean you’re not smart, and it certainly does not mean you should see yourself as incapable. I look up to you, Jeongin. I wouldn’t if you weren’t worthy of it.”

Jeongin stared at you blankly after your speech. He felt funny. He didn't quite know how to put it, but it felt like you’d just turned his world upside-down.

“So, yeah!” You smiled, moving away from the serious tone. 

“What are your future plans?” Jeongin asked in return. “It’s time to start applying to college soon.”

“I was actually looking into the military.”

“Military? But you don’t even have to serve.”

You shrugged, taking a bite of your lunch. “Med school is expensive. Besides, it almost guarantees me a job.”

Jeongin chews slowly. “But it’ll be hard.”

“But at least we’ll be together, right? When you enlist too?”

He nearly chokes. Your well-meaning, friendly words were too much for his heart. He knew you did not have the intentions he’d wished you did, but he couldn’t help but hope.

He really should not have loved you. Maybe then, you would have had one less reason to be in the army. Maybe then, you wouldn’t be here, with him, on the front lines of 38th parallel. 

Loving you is a losing game.

“Sergeant, how are you holding up?” Your voice was staticy over the walkie talkie, but Jeongin was glad to hear it after trudging through trenches for the last couple of days.

“Hanging in there, Lieutenant.” 

“Good. The North seems to be advancing. The medical team is approaching as a precautionary and to check vitals.”

“Roger tha—”

BOOM! A large sound interrupts all conversations. 

“The North has activated one of our landmines! They are less than 500 meters away!” announced one of the men.

Jeongin threw on his helmet. “Fall in!” 

“Be careful!” Your voice was barely registered as another bomb went off and the troop mounted their guns over the trench.

The battle was chaos. No training, no matter how thorough, could have prepared Jeongin for what he experienced. Bullets were everywhere, and he could not tell if he’s even still alive or if his body was just acting on its own with residue adrenaline. The enemy kept advancing no matter what he did, but his own men were dropping like flies.

“Push forward” He barked. 

If his troop replied, he couldn’t hear it over the mines exploding and cannons firing. He led them onwards, shooting anything he could see without being able to even think about it. He was doing well—you were right about him being able to see things others couldn’t which allowed him to weave between enemy lines and attack where they were most weak. All his focus forward though made him neglect one thing: himself.

He knew as soon as he felt it under his foot.

“Fall back!” he cried, almost not quickly enough.

He could only pray his men did as told as he himself jumped as far away from the mine he just activated.

“Jeongin!” 

The pain was excruciating. He ended up sprawled forward, and when he looked back through blurred vision, his entire right leg was missing.

“I— I— I—”

“Shh, shh. Don’t panic.”

His head falls back to the ground, dizzy. Still, he kept his eyes trained on you. “You shouldn’t be here.”

Over your radio, he could hear, “Lieutenant L/N, what are you doing? Retreat immediately!”

“If I don’t put a tourniquet on this now, you WILL die, Sergeant,” you declare through grit teeth.

“Just leave me. You’re going to get shot on this active field.”

“I’m wearing a red cross; they won’t shoot me.”

“Are you crazy? No one’s looking at who’s wearing what right now!”

“Just shut up and stay down!” You glared at him, eyes blazing with a desperation he’d never seen before. 

“Y/N…” He wanted to tell you to run, but his world was quickly growing dark. He could barely even mutter your name.

“Just… just shut up.” You went back to tying off his dismembered leg.

“Y/N…” But if he had the time to tell you one thing, it’ll be—

“You can’t die. I won’t let you,” you sniffled.

“I lo—”

You were tying the last knot, trying to wipe your tears with your shoulder as you did so. 

And that’s when it happened. That’s when he saw a bullet pass cleanly between your two eyes, and that’s how he comes to watch you fall, life already gone from your body, onto the ground with a soundless thud. He lays there, next to you, unable to do anything. With the last of his consciousness, he reached his hand out for yours.

Loving you is a losing game.

<Twenty years later>

Jeongin rolls his wheelchair into his office. He turns to the picture on his desk and salutes it. It is a picture of you, smiling with him the day he was promoted sergeant. He was so full of life back then. You were too.

… A broken heart is all that's left I'm still fixing all the cracks Lost a couple of pieces when I carried it, carried it, carried it home

… I've spent all of the love I saved We were always a losing game Small town boy in a big arcade I got addicted to a losing game

He peels his eyes away from you and goes to throw on his doctor’s coat.

… Oh, oh All I know, all I know Loving you is a losing game

~ ad.gold

[jjoelswatch]

Big ol' health rant under the cut.

I'm beyond frustrated with my care team and how hard I have to advocate for myself to get tests/labs done.

I've been not feeling well symptomatically for over a year, and been dealing with lack of appetite issues for about three years. Started with right side stomach pain last August that led to potential gallbladder issue concerns. I had every test under the sun to rule it out (abdominal ultrasound, upper scope, HIDA scan, stool sample) and everything came back okay aside from some inflammation (no H. Pylori, no celiac, no gallstones, no ulcers-- gallbladder, liver, pancreas, etc function all normal). So it was just like "well okay, I guess nothing's wrong with me except that my right abdomen hurts from time to time" and I tried to move on with my life.

I started having strange neurological symptoms back in March of this year (tingling/numb sensation in my face, strange senses of touch in parts of my face-- like parts of my face felt like a balloon). I've always suffered from ocular migraines with aura and no pain (and flashes of light/visual snow), so I thought it was just fun new migraine symptoms. They went away for a few months then came back in full force with even more fun symptoms (tingling in my hands and feet, lack of sensation in my right leg but not total numbness, a gradual increase in forgetfulness/short term memory issues that are SO not the norm for me, middle back pain??), so I scheduled an appointment with a neurologist and went to my shitty CNP "doctor" (disclaimer, CNPs are not doctors despite how the American healthcare system treats them like doctors) and basically pleaded with her to run bloodwork on me and to try to do anything to get me into for brain scans or something. Because weird neurological symptoms are super scary and it's hard not to assume the worst when you're experiencing them fairly suddenly.

She ran my bloodwork and found that my B12 levels were really low. I learned that B12 can cause literally all my symptoms, so I was relieved and they put me on 4 weeks of weekly B12 injections, with the plan to start monthly injections afterwards. She also told me they were going to test my bloodwork for folate levels and talk to one of the doctors in the practice to get to the bottom of what's causing my deficiency since I wasn't anemic or vegan/vegetarian. I felt...hopeful? and like we were headed down the right path.

Well, the office failed to click "submit" to order my blood to be tested for folate. So my CNP couldn't work with the other doctor to try to puzzle out what's wrong with me.

I was feeling pretty good during those 4 weeks of injections. My memory was sharper and my symptoms were gradually reducing (there is apparently something called "nerve wake up" when dealing with neuro issues from B12D, which can still cause symptoms to show). I knew that recovery would be gradual, as it can take 6 months to a year to really recover from neuro damage/issues from B12D, so I tried to stay positive. But a week and a half out from my last weekly shot, my symptoms returned with a vengeance.

Now my symptoms are a right leg that wants to cramp up from hamstring to calf, a left toe that just...twitches of its own accord, other random muscle twitches/tenseness, and (possibly unrelated?) increased acid reflux issues. My neuro appointment isn't until the first week of October (because the US sucks and it literally takes 5-6 months to see specialists at the bare minimum), so I messaged my doctor in a bit of a panic with some questions about my symptoms and asking if we could more aggressively treat the deficiency, because like...I'm concerned about perma nerve damage at this point?? And she tells me she's going to refer me to a neurologist without answering any of my other questions or trying to see me any eariler.... If she'd looked at my file or remembered our last conversation, she would know that I already have a appointment with one.

I caved and did several things. I tried to switch to the other doctor in the office she said she was going to work with to get to the bottom of my issues, because...why not go straight to the source? That failed, as the practice "doesn't do that, as a rule" which like...okay? Desperate for relief, I started sublingual supplements of B12 (fucked up at first at did the methyl version which just didn't agree with my body and switched to the same form as my shots were). I started seeing some relief in my symptoms, including my muscle tension in my leg (which was previously causing me to have trouble walking) and some of my muscle twitching.

I also called the neurologist's office like, "listen I know you guys haven't seen me yet, but can you order some scans to give me some peace of mind?" and they finally agreed to send me in for a cervical spine MRI and an EMG. I did the MRI only to find out that the reason they had me down for one was "neck pain" which I've literally never said I had and they didn't include a brain MRI like I'd expected given my symptoms. MRI turned out fine, which was a relief as much as it was kind of expected. The EMG is yet to be done (on the 28th).

I finally had my appointment with my CNP on Monday for my first monthly shot and to do labs, including the folate lab they screwed up. I told her that I wanted her to run labs for the missed folate, iron, vitamin D, magnesium, and copper. She sort of...laughed at me?? and told me that we ran those labs already. I told her to look at my chart because we didn't, and she obviously had to walk back her sentence and was like "I don't think we need to run labs for vitamin D but we can if you want?" and of course I said that I did. She refused to run labs for magnesium because that was "a more serious lab" and then said she "didn't know how to even test for copper because that's a heavy metal". I get my labs done, get my first monthly B12 shot. She sends me on my way with "depending on how your labs turn out, we'll see if we need to continue B12 shots"...when it can take a year for my symptoms to correct themselves.

Go figure~ my labs come back - the labs I had to TELL her to order for me - and out of a desired 30+ range for vitamin D, my level is 7 lmao. Thankfully I still am going to be getting monthly B12 shots since my levels are higher (due to self-treating) but still low. I also have to take vitamin D and a multivitamin now. She also referred me to a hematologist because I brought up the MTHR gene that can affect B12 absorption since I'm not anemic or vegan. I just want to know what's causing this deficiency, because she seems to have dropped the ball on the matter altogether.

I'm close to a week out from my last shot now and my muscles are getting tense and twitchy again. It's so, so hard to sit here and tell myself that this healing process is just going to take time-- trying to reassure myself that my muscle twitching is just "nerve wake up" and not a sign of something much worse. I've been going quietly crazy worried about ALS, Parkinson's, or MS because these deficiencies can mimic their symptoms. I just want it to be the 28th so I can get my EMG done and over with, and then see my neuro on the 2nd of October. I so tired of going to the doctor. I'm tired of feeling like they don't take me and my symptoms seriously. I'm tired of feeling like an annoyance. I'm tried of having to go out and do my own research and then bringing that research to my doctors, because between the two of us, I don't have a fucking medical degree. I'm tried of hearing "don't consult Dr. Google" when what else am I supposed to do when you're not doing your job thoroughly?

I'm just tired and I want to feel better.

[nekoannie-chan]

Life update

TW: DEPRESSION, MENTION OF SURGERY, MENTION OF THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE, MENTION OF BEING CLOSE TO DIE

 Well, I don’t know how to start to explain what happened, maybe you notice I’m not posting new fics as I used to do, some days I disappeared, the lack of interaction, here’s a kind of explanation (that none asked and you don’t have to read because is too long), which honestly was too difficult for me wrote it without crying.

I think everything started on my birthday week, dad got a stomach infection, but he was very sick, also I had a math final exam, horrible, I didn’t sleep in 3 days the deadline was on my birthday, but also dad got a stomach infection. Mom was helping me with the exam because was too difficult and probably wouldn’t finish it in 3 days (you know, 12 exercises, 5 pages per exercise), anyway I got a good score. The deadline was on my birthday.

The day after the exam, right after I got my score, mom went to her second covid shot, but dad is diabetic and has high blood pressure, his glucose was 32...  that means was too low even for a healthy person, I gave him food, sweets, trying to increase the glucose because dad didn’t want to go to the hospital, probably he thought I will freak out or something, so I have to wait until mom arrived and finally, we took him to hospital, he stayed in that night and next day he had his treatment in the home.

Then in July, I got my first covid shot, at the begging only my arm was in pain, at 8 pm I feel lots of heat but I didn’t have a fever, until 11 pm, fever and goosebumps started, I took paracetamol and went to sleep…but then I had fever during 3 days that included hallucinations (mom sometimes laughed with non-sense I told), and the other side effects I had them during a week.

On summer holidays I realized something about my PhD program (close friends know about this) and I started to be depressed, I’m still depressed, anyway I will get my degree in 3 years hopefully, but I know things, and yeah, maybe I can’t do or solve something, I’m just waiting.

Also, I was plagiarized on Wattpad, someone translate to Portuguese at least one of my fics, I asked for support from my Wattpad followers, I didn’t have support there, in fact, some people unfollowed me, the book and account are down. Maybe my fics aren’t the best, maybe I’m not popular, but I work very hard on every fic, maybe I didn’t tell it, but really affected me, my depression got worse, and for a moment I thought would be the best take all the pills I had in front of me, I was tired (I’m too tired), I didn’t do it, instead, I cried during 3 days.

In September, after I finished my class, dad got very sick again, he didn’t want to doctor again until 4 pm, doctors suspect was the gallbladder, but blood test and the other tests showed was something different, they did more tests, the whole week they did different tests, at the end was the gallbladder.

Dad had surgery, but he was nearly to die, the gallbladder was in pretty bad conditions, doctors took it off in parts because it broke every time, they tried to take it off, dad’s heart stopped twice during the surgery, I was very close to losing my dad. I’m dad’s princess, we are a little family, we are always together, the 3 of us (well, 4 if you count my Ryo)…

Now dad is okay, the post-surgery was okay, no infection, mom and I took care of him, the doctor said he is okay, at the end of December he has another appointment, probably next week he will have new tests, is just to check everything is okay.

Then some things with my assessors aren’t good, I can’t focus, thinking is difficult, I told them about the situation but… I’m trying my best, just sometimes doing things is hard when you’re depressed.

Ryo, my dog, he is 16, is like my baby, grandma gifted him to me when he was 3 months old, because of his age, now he is losing his sight, but he still wants to play like he was a puppy, so, one day he was near the stairs, I called him, but instead, he walked to the stairs and fell, I tried to get him, but he woke up and tried to run, and fell again, I was yelling like crazy, honestly for a moment I thought the worse, my parents were in the first floor when they heard me, they thought was me who fell, dad took Ryo carefully, we checked him, apparently he was okay, he walked normal, didn’t complain, we took him to vet, and confirmed us that Ryo was okay, no damage.

I know some people have blocked me, I don’t know the reasons, but I’m too tired, they can do whatever they want, I just trying to make it every day.

My apologies for all the challenges I signed in and don’t post my entry yet, I’m working on them.

So, about the requests, please be patient, I know I said will be ready in December, I apologize, but after all the above, I don’t think would be possible, I’m trying to hurry but still, I have some fics unfinished, I promise in the first trimester of 2022 will be published.

And if you want, I read your fics, TAG ME IN, despite I have the notifications on, Dumblr doesn’t notify me when someone posts a fic, I can’t check blog per blog, so tag me, maybe I won’t read it immediately, I will try at the following day or during the week. You can check what I read here.

[janicho88]

In This Together

                                             Pic originally posted by jrackles                               

Pairing- Dean x Wife!Reader

Word count-9825

Summary-The reader hasn’t been feeling well and is afraid to go to a doctor, because of her medical history.  One thing seems to lead to another, but she has her husband Dean to lean on. This is AU

Warnings- Sick reader, Little bit of language, A little angst, and maybe a little fluff, slight implied smut. Possible triggers talks of multiple surgeries some are a little descriptive, talk of possible loss of fertility, female problems.

 A/N This is my first fic I have finished.  I have had some things going on, I needed someone like Dean, this was the closest I could get to having him. It is unbeta’d all mistakes are mine.  @winchest09 and @katehuntington​ you two are absolutely amazing!! Without you two, your virtual lockdowns and the people I met because of them, I never would have had the confidence to finish this let alone post it. Thank you! 

You sighed as you rolled over in bed, time to get up and start another day.  Although you were hoping today was different. You were hoping the pain you had been having which couldn’t decide whether or not it wanted to be in your side or abdomen would actually be gone.  Something that had just been in your head.   You had felt a kind of off for the last 2 weeks but had kept that to yourself.

“Morning Sweetheart,” came from your husband of four years, as Dean walked back in your room fresh from the shower. A quick kiss good morning before he finished getting dressed and you headed to get yourself ready in the bathroom.  Soon you were both out the door and off to work.  Dean was a partner in his father’s mechanic business. It was doing well for him; he’d even added on auto parts store next door.  You were running your family’s restaurants, your parents slowly cutting back on their day to day involvement, but not leaving entirely yet because you were going to need their help in the new year.

You enjoyed your mornings at work, for the first few hours it was just you preparing things for the day, your radio playing softly your only companion. It wasn’t long before your daytime employees came in and the lunch rush began you all working as a team everything going smoothly today. It was while working on clean up and the dinner prep, one of your workers, and your friend, Donna found you in a back corner with your hands on your right side. When she asked what was going on, you told her you were fine and went to finish the task you were working on. Before she left Donna passed by your office where she saw you inside with a look of pain on your face again, your ringing phone interrupted her from saying anything to you then.

Dean beat you home from work and was preparing hamburgers to grill when you walked in.  You set your things down and met him in the kitchen for a kiss, “Hey Babe, how was your day?”

“Good.  The new guy, Gabe, I was telling you about should work out well, might be a little bit of a smart ass.  Benny seems to have taken him under his wing to show him the ropes. Those two will be interesting together.  How were things at the restaurant today?”

“That’s great! I know with your Dad, and Bobby cutting back their time there you wanted at least one more person in.  Work was fine, late lunch and steady afternoon which is why I’m later getting home.”

“How’s the foot doing? You’ve been on it more with working longer hours lately.”

“Okay, as good as it’s going to be for now.”

You two enjoyed a quiet dinner, then curled up on the couch to watch a movie before heading to bed. Dean noticed you didn’t eat much of your dinner, but he figured you were either tired or grabbed a snack at the restaurant.  

Your next morning started off about the same both of you on your separate ways to work. It was afternoon when Donna saw you again with a grimace on your face and a hand on your side. A little while later she saw your running to the restroom where you threw up.

“Alright, spill Y/N. What is going on, you’ve been a little off lately?”

“Donna, I’m fine.”

“Bull, lady.  Do I need to call Dean and ask him?”

“NO!” Your head went back, and your eyes closed as you thought about what you were going to say. You went with the truth, maybe she would tell you what you were hoping, it was nothing.  “I’ve been having a sharp pain in my right side, sometimes it moves to the front and is in my abdomen.  Every once in while it might go lower.  It’s probably just a sore muscle or maybe the ulcer is coming back”  

“And the upset stomach?”

“That’s new-ish. This is nothing, I’m fine.  It can’t be anything.” You almost whispered.

“You should probably talk to your Dr.  Maybe your OB first, given your history.  That’s what your worried about right?”

With tears in your eyes you gave a soft yes.

“Call them, and then talk to Dean.  Knowing you, you haven’t said anything to him, and were going to keep pretending nothing was happening.”

You walked away to call for an appointment.  Donna was right, you were scared, and you hadn’t told Dean.  You didn’t want to go through this again.  Around year and half ago you were at a girls day out when you just didn’t feel right.  You attributed it to worry you had about something at work.  It didn’t go away and over the next two weeks things got worse. You weren’t hungry, you had a sharp pain in your side, had started burping and not been able to stop it.  That one bothered you the most.   Then you started getting sick.  Overall, you just didn’t feel well.  You figured it was early February now, you just had a good old-fashioned winter cold. When you suddenly had trouble drawing a deep breath and it hurt to breathe, you had gone to a walk-in-clinic.  They thought it was your appendix or gallbladder and sent you to your primary Doctor the next day.  They agreed and sent you to a CT Scan the next day.  Dean went with that morning and waited while you went back for the test. You were told your doctor would have to results in a few days while they were getting the test started.  When they finished the scan, they told you to stay on the table they had a radiologist coming to read the scan right then.  That hadn’t done much for your nerves.  They told you something about a mass on your ovary and kids still being possible, but you needed to see your OB asap.  You had walked back out to Dean in the waiting room in shock, not 100% sure what had happened in the last few minutes.  You had ended up having a cyst on an ovary, which had destroyed that ovary and continued to grow into what your doctor called a giant mass. It had gotten so big it was pushing on your other organs.  They had to go in and take it out.  You were getting to the point you were okay with that part, but the doctor kept talking, and you kept squeezing Dean’s hand harder.  They couldn’t see the uterus around the mass and didn’t know if it had damage or the other ovary, and there was a possibility it was cancerous.  Suddenly the kids you and Dean had been talking about and picturing, might only ever be that, talk.  You had been a wreck the morning of surgery, but Dean was in pre-op with you as long as he could be holding your hand telling you everything was going to be fine. It didn’t matter what happened with the surgery.  If it was just the two of you, or if you ended up adopting. You were in this together. He loved you and the two of you would be just fine.  The surgery had gone well.  They only had to take the mass out and the tests came back cancer free.  

Things between you and Dean were good.  The last year and half had been crazy, no kids yet, although that wasn’t due to lack of trying in the beginning.  The December after your surgery you had ended up with a stomach ulcer and they found a fibroid on your uterus.  You really couldn’t catch a break.  Your doctor had wanted to put you on birth control to slow down the growth for now.  Here you were, once again worried that you wouldn’t be able to give Dean the baby you knew he wanted. His brother Sam, and his wife Jess had had their first child a few months prior and Dean was the loving uncle.  Holding little Jake, he could calm him down faster than anyone but Jess. He spent a bit of time telling him all about Baby, and the things he would teach him when he was older.  You were fairly certain he might get that boy in trouble with a few things, but that could be dealt with in a few years.  You knew Dean was hoping for the day he would be holding his own baby, and teaching them, you were afraid you were never going to be able to give him that.  

You were sitting on the couch when Dean came home from work.

“Hey Sweetheart, how was your day?”

“Fine, how were things at the shop?”

“Good, busy. Dinner smells great.”

“Thanks, it’s got about a half hour till it’s done.  I know you want to shower, but can I talk to you first?”

“Always.”

Dean joined you on the couch as you started explaining.  “So I’ve been feeling kind of off lately, not quite right.  Pain in my side and abdomen.  The last few days throwing up if I ate and drank much.  It’s a bit like before.”

Dean moved closer and held you as he asked, “Are you thinking you have another mass, the fibroid, or something else?”

“I don’t know, and that scares me.  I want it to be nothing, but we both know my luck isn’t that good.  I have an appointment next Wednesday with my OB/GYN. I figured it would cut some of the middle wait time out.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“Thanks, but I think I will be ok alone with this first visit.”

“Wait, don’t you have your foot appointment that day?”

“Yes, but it’s in the morning.”

Wednesday your appointments finally arrived.  You had been having trouble with your foot for a few years now, it had gotten so bad you couldn’t even wear a tennis shoe anymore.  You actually were supposed to have surgery on it a few years ago, the same year you had found the mass and had to have that removed instead.  It was a pretty simple appointment; they did updated x-rays since you hadn’t had any in over a year and talked again with the surgeon about what surgery would entail.  He was a foot and ankle specialist at the University hospital.  This was going to be your third foot/ankle related surgery but the first on your right foot.  You had had different doctors each time, and you like this one the best.  He was extremely knowledgeable and easy to talk to.  You may have been nervous for this surgery, but that was because of everything it was going to involve.  You were born with as the doctors called them extremely high arches.  It had caused you a number of problems over the years, sprained ankles, multiply breaks, and your two other surgeries.  They were going to go in and break your fifth metatarsal and put a plate in there and realign it, cut the Achilles tendon and lengthen it, you had tears in the Peroneal tendon which had to be fixed and then attached to the Brevis tendon to strengthen it, ligaments on the inside and outside of the foot needed to be tightened or loosened depending on the side.  You had had all of that done nine years ago on your other foot, but because of problems you had with that first surgery they were taking it a step further. They were going to cut the bones in your heel and realign them.  That part was making you the most nervous.  You would be spending the 3 months following surgery on crutches, possibly longer.  You had spent enough time on them over the years, you were pretty good on them at least. You had been planning on the surgery happening in January, you couldn’t put it off any longer.

The worst part of all this has been the not knowing because your mind is great at making up worst case scenarios, you were a bit worked up for your afternoon OB appointment.  You and your doctor talked and going over your symptoms he was sending you for a CT scan the following week because he thought you might have a kidney stone based on some of your symptoms. He also ordered an ultrasound to check on the fibroid. They don’t do anything with fibroids until they are over 4 cm and causing problems.  When yours was found it was at 3.3 cm, so they had just put you on birth control.  The doctor talked about what could happen if it was the fibroid.  You might need surgery to remove it, if it was to big, they might have to take the uterus out or there were shots out that put you in menopause for a while.  You were due back in his office in two and half weeks to go over the tests.  More waiting, just great.

Dean had dinner waiting for you when you got home. You explained the tests the doctor wanted and what he told you he was thinking.  You never thought you would be in a spot where kidney stones were an option you were hoping for. You two spent the evening on the couch watching movies compromising on your choices. Since Halloween was coming soon Dean wanted a horror movie, you agreed if you watched that one first and ended your night with The Proposal.  That way your mind wasn’t on a horror movie just before bed.

The next week went fairly quickly and your tests were done you were just waiting on follow up. You and Dean both busy at work during the days.  You had lost a manager, you mom had been taking on a lot of caterings which kept her out of the store, and Donna couldn’t pick up more hours because she was taking care of her sister, Jody’s daughters at night.  All this meant you were working open to close three to four days a week and at least 8 hours the other days.  You would get home at night and not want to move from your couch.  Friday morning you were doing your prep work when you received a call from your doctor’s office.  They had both of your results in. They didn’t find kidney stones; the fibroid had doubled in size and there was a mass on your remaining ovary.  Your follow-up appointment with them was 10 days away, but they wanted to see you as soon as you could come in the next day they were open, which was Tuesday.  The last surgery you needed was like that, everything done asap.  You had found out about the mass and a week later you were in surgery.

You hung up with them and called Dean in tears.  Your mind automatically going through worse case scenarios.  He did his best to calm you down and tell you everything would be okay. You two were going to be alright. You called your mom when you hung up from Dean and filled her in on your results. Making yourself get back to work.

Being a Friday, you had a busy lunch rush and had a bit of clean up and more prep work to get ready for the dinner rush.  You were working in the back when the door buzzer went off notifying you of someone coming in.  Donna called you to the front saying a customer needed your help.  The first genuine smile you had all day coming to your face as you took in Dean standing there with a bunch of colorful flowers.  

“Oh Dean, they’re beautiful! Thank you!”

“Not half as beautiful as you Y/N, how are you holding up sweetheart?”    

“I’ve been better. It’s going to be a long weekend waiting to see what he has to say.  My mom talked to my cousin who does some work at the hospital, a friend of hers works for an OB/GYN who has been around awhile and is the only one in town who does this surgery robotically.  I have an appointment with him next week also for his opinion.”

“It’s all going to work out, no matter what it’s you and me together.  I have to get back to work and I know you do to, I just wanted to stop in and see how you were doing.”

“Thank you, Baby, I appreciate it so much.  I love you.”

“Love you too Sweetheart.  I will see you at home tonight”

When you weren’t at work, you and Dean hung out at home over the weekend.  He did his best to take his mind off of your upcoming appointment.  You greatly appreciated his effort.  Before you knew it, Tuesday afternoon rolled around.  This time dean accompanied you to the appointment.  The doctor explained that the fibroid was now at 6.7cm and was what was causing your problems.  He was really pushing these shots you take once a month that put you in menopause for six months. He told you that it would shrink the fibroid, and that would be best to start with.  The other options he was giving you were waiting and getting another ultrasound end of December/early January and coming back then or go in and do surgery sometime. You weren’t sure how you felt about either of those options but were glad he wasn’t going in right away to take out the uterus.  What did frustrate you the most, was how the call on Friday made it sound like things were worse and you needed to come in asap for something to be done, and the doctor wasn’t doing anything right now.

You and Dean both felt a little calmer when you left the office.  “What are you thinking about your options, Darling?”

“Honestly, I’m not so sure about those shots, I would need a lot more information on them first. The whole being put into menopause has me nervous.  That’s not something I ever thought I would be thinking about at 31.  When I talked to the nurse on the phone Friday she made this seem so much worse, and he’s not doing anything other than the shots now. I guess we’ll see what the other doctor says tomorrow.”

The next morning you and Dean were at the other doctor’s office.  New patient paperwork all filled out and you were waiting to go back. Your cousin’s friend called your name and took you back.  She had been talking to your mom, so she knew what was going on and had shared it with the doctor.  You asked her opinion on the shots, and she just shook her head.  She told you there wasn’t any guarantee it would even work, and there was a lot of risk with what going into menopause could do to you and your chance of having a child.  You would have to sign a number of documents that said you didn’t hold that company responsible for any of the large number of side effects.

“I wasn’t sold on them before, I’m really not know” you told her and Dean.

The doctor came in shortly after and did quick exam.  You had asked his opinion on what to do, he said taking it out would be the best thing to try and preserve the uterus and a chance for you to have children in the future. Yes, you could have a child with a fibroid on the uterus, but as big as it was it could cause problems. It didn’t end up being a long appointment because he was called away for a birth. He did order 2 tests and you set those up before leaving.  One was another ultrasound to check where the fibroid was and if that would cause any problems itself. The other was to check the uterus for any cancer spots, they did warn you that one could be painful, and you weren’t going to want to do much after the test was done. You had those both scheduled for the following Tuesday and Wednesday.

As you walked out to your cars you asked Dean “What did you think of him, and everything said?”

“They are both pretty against the shots, and I know you didn’t really like the idea of them either. You cousin said he has more experience, right?”

“Yes, he does. I’ve talked to a few others that know him, and they all like him.  Donna’s aunt was an OB and she referred patients to him if it was something she couldn’t do.”

“Ultimately Y/N, it comes down to what you think, and what you want to do.  We can talk more at home on your thoughts and see what these tests say.  I will support your decision no matter what.”

“Thank you, Babe. I love you.  Have a great day at work.”

“I love you too. I hope you have a great one as well.”

You were talking to Donna at work about everything that you had found out.  She had spent a little time working in her aunt’s office and at one point had been premed in school, you valued her opinion.

“You need to get it taken out girly, it’s already grown a lot on you.  I know how much you and Dean want kids.  If you wait too long you run the risk of losing that chance.”

“Part of me knows that, but the other part of me is worried about what is going to happen during surgery.”

“That’s understandable, any surgery there is a risk.  This doctor has done thousands of these, you’ll be fine, most importantly you’ll be better. Don’t ignore this, Dean and you can adopt if you can’t have kids, Dean won’t be fine if he loses you.  Don’t do those shots, there is a lot of risk with those, and you could run into even more problems.”

“Those shots are pretty much off the table, I really don’t like the idea of them.  I know your right, a part of me just really doesn’t want more surgery.  The last week the pain has gotten worse so I don’t know that I can put this off.”

“I know Sweetie, surgery makes anyone nervous.  This will all work out.”

“Thanks, Donna, you are an amazing friend.”

After dinner that night you and Dean were sitting in the living room and you decided you weren’t going to think about any medical issues.  While he had the game on you grabbed your computer and recipe binder. Settling next to Dean on the couch you pulled up Pinterest and Christmas recipe ideas. You had been scrolling for a few minutes when Dean looked over at your screen.

“What are you looking up Christmas for?”

“Mom and Dad’s Christmas party is a month from tomorrow, and I need to get my baking list around.”

“What do you mean a month away, that’s before Thanksgiving?”

“With Thanksgiving being so late this year, they are doing it the Saturday before.  That way it has less chance running into other Holiday parties.  You don’t want to do it Thanksgiving weekend, and then there are only three other weekends before Christmas and there will be a bit going on.  So I need to figure out what’s on my baking list this year, what’s staying, what I’m adding.”

“It’s too early to talk Christmas.”

“Hallmark starts Christmas movies this weekend, Saturday has some of my favorites we can watch after work!”    

“It’s not even Halloween Y/N, I’m not watching Christmas movies!” Dean threw his head back against the couch turning slightly to glare at you.

“You say that now, we’ll see what happens when I get that remote,” you smirked.  “I could happily watch them year-round.”

“Ehh, your getting better with that.  You used to be into Christmas songs and movies 361, the couple days leading up to Christmas Eve and sometimes that morning you were a little bah humbug saying you were done with all of it.  Then the day after Christmas you start singing Frosty again.”

You just glared at him for a minute, “It was the stress, and trying to get everything just right and make everyone happy.  My shopping will be done, before 2 days before Christmas this year.  I’m going to enjoy it, no stress.”

“Sure thing, Sweetheart, whatever you say.  We’ll see how you are on December 23rd.”

“Going back to the Holiday of the month we are actually in, Sam wanted to know if we wanted to come over Thursday night.  See Jake in his first Halloween costume, hand out candy to the Trick-or-Treaters.  Mom and dad are going to be there too.”

“Sure I’m in. It’s usually a busy night for us so I will be over after I can leave work.”

“Okay so we have my usual baking items: Sugar cookies I  think I’m going to keep it simple and just do drop cookies instead of cut outs, buckeyes, peanut butter blossoms, no bakes, petit-fours, truffles, cranberry bars and the varieties of chocolates those I’ll make with mom. Now I need to figure out some new ones. Hey what do you think about, hey, where are you going?”

“I need a beer if we are going to talk about your crazy Christmas baking list.”

You waited for Dean to settle back next to you to show him your finds.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/174584923042596801/

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/174584923042596805/

“You’re on a Grinch kick this year aren’t you? You mentioned a few weeks ago you wanted a Grinch sweatshirt this year.”

“Maybe, part of me is. Anyways thoughts? What about these?” https://www.pinterest.com/pin/174584923042556919/

“Ooohhhh, Do you think I could make these?” https://www.pinterest.com/pin/174584923040748115/

“We aren’t going to be using our kitchen to make actual food anytime soon are we?  I love you and you are very talented when it comes to your baking but I don’t know if you have the patience for those cupcakes.”

“You’re probably right, it does tend to run thinner when I’m trying to get all this stuff done. Look on the bright side, the party is early this year so I will have the kitchen back to normal sooner.”

“Sureee you will.”

You weren’t going to admit it to Dean right now, but you were trying to force yourself into the Holiday spirit. With everything going on you weren’t sure you were going to be in the celebrating mood this year.  You knew how much he loved the Holiday, and the time with family together. You would put on a happy face for him.

Dean took you to your appointment Tuesday afternoon, because they didn’t recommend driving after since you were going to be in a bit of pain.  It wasn’t even a five minute test to go take a swab of the uterus lining to send in to check for abnormal or cancer cells. They were right though, you definitely hurt after.  You and Dean picked up food on the way home so neither of you would have to cook or clean up. He got you situated on the couch with a heating pad after you got home. You two spent another quiet night in.  The next afternoon you took yourself to your ultrasound.  The results for both tests would be back in time for your appointment the following Tuesday.  

Thursday was Halloween, and you were short handed at work again, but not as busy as you were expecting to be.  You left around 7 and headed over to Sam and Jess’ house.  5-month-old Jake was dressed up in a cute duck onesie.  After saying hi to the couple, your husband, and his parents you grabbed some food and settled down with Jake.  You were told you just missed Cas, his wife Kelly, and their son Jack. The one year old getting cranky and ready for bed.  Jess and Mary joined you shortly.  The guys were watching one of the All Saint’s Day movies.  Apparently having a little one to get excited about put Sam in a better Halloween mood then he usually was in.  Mary asked how you were doing; Dean had apparently told her a few days before and Jess had just found out tonight.

“I’m alright, it’s been going on over a month and I think at this point I want a plan.  I want to know what’s going to happen.  But I want to make sure that we decide on the right course of action too.”

Both ladies assured you they thought you would be fine, and that everything would work out for you. Your attention turning to the little boy on the floor in front of you.

You spent your weekend working and had started some grocery shopping for you baking supplies.  Those supplies then found a home on your kitchen counter.  So Dean was right, he was slowing losing the kitchen for a little while.

Tuesday afternoon saw you and Dean back in your new doctor’s office waiting to be called back.  It wasn’t a long wait and you headed back. Thankful your tests had come back normal and the new ultrasound didn’t show any new problems.  Because of the last surgery you had there was to much scar tissue in your abdomen for the surgery to be done robotically, and the fibroid was too big.  You did have the option for another procedure, he described it as resetting your uterus.  He did tell you it wouldn’t do anything for the fibroid, but it could get your periods back under control and might lesson some pain, you would need a few days off work. The best chance you had if you wanted to get pregnant sometime was to have the fibroid removed.  Now you just needed to make a decision on what you were going to do.  You were leaning toward surgery and when you didn’t make a definitive decision the doctor told you to come back in 2 weeks.  When you were checking out and scheduling the next appointment you asked how far out the wait for surgery was. His calendar was filling up and he only had December 9th and 23rd open.

On your way home you and Dean talked about what you both were thinking.  You told him you were leaning toward surgery, and he also thought that would be your best choice.  Now you just weren’t sure you really wanted to wait.  If you called your first doctor, he could do the surgery in two weeks, he just had to wait for insurance purposes.  Honestly, he was never busy. That put you the day before your parents Christmas party or waiting till the next weekend which was the day after Thanksgiving.  Another problem you had was making sure you had help at work. Right now, you didn’t have the help to do it.  If you pushed it too far into December it was going to be a problem with your foot surgery.  They had said with your stomach because they were cutting it open you would need to be careful not to tear your stitches for a few weeks and be limited for 6 weeks with what you could do. Crutches weren’t going to be a good thing to mix in.  

Your parents, you and Dean all talked.  You didn’t have the help to do the surgery in November, December wasn’t a good idea because of your next surgery.  You decided if the doctor thought you could wait you would do the foot surgery in January and then six weeks later when you should be able to start putting some pressure on your foot you would have the other.  That way the six weeks you needed to be careful with the second surgery would be ending in time for therapy in May.  Work was going to be getting better help wise because you were selling on of your locations.  The gas station next door to one of them wanted to expand and the only way they could was if they bought your property.  That deal was supposed to close first of January. Your foot surgery was scheduled for the 16th.  Things seemed to fall in to place for that all to work out.

You still weren’t feeling the best, but you were glad to have noticed you didn’t have the pain in your side and stomach every day anymore.  It had turned into just having really bad periods every few weeks.

When you went to your appointment two weeks later you went alone and talked to the doctor about your thoughts and timeline. He didn’t think that would be a problem, telling you before he left that removing it was your best option.  They weren’t’ scheduling yet for February or March so they would call you when those books opened.

If you were honest, you were feeling better with what you had decided on.  Also, the fact that no one was worried enough to say you had to get in right now for surgery.  You were still going to worry between now and surgery it was just who you were.  

It was the third week of November, your new focus on the upcoming Holidays.  You had already started your baking, freezing everything once it was made cooled and put in an airtight container. The list was still shorter this year it only had about 15 things on it.  You didn’t get the Grinch recipes made, or the snow globe cupcakes, but you did make the thumb print snowmen. Next year.  Two days before the party you moved on from baking to getting the food you were doing around.  In between all this also trying to help your mom decorate their house and putting decorations up at yours.  You didn’t end up doing as much to your house as you usually would, but just less to take down after and you knew things would be crazy then.  

The day of the party both you and your mom ended up being stuck at work longer than you were supposed to be.  This meant you had to work quicker when you got home.  Dean went to your parents with you to help with the last minute set up. It was nice living on the same street as them, so you didn’t have far to go.  With the final cleaning finished you were in the kitchen with Dean starting to get food around while your mom ran upstairs to shower.  Your brother and his girlfriend coming shortly after.  They had been dating for almost a year, but she didn’t come around much, so you didn’t know her well.  Trying to ask her questions about herself didn’t get you very far because she only gave one-word answers.  You looked to Dean and he just shrugged his shoulders, not knowing how to get much out of her either.  When your mom came back down, and the food was in good shape you and dean went home to get ready and get the desserts.

You always enjoyed this party it was family from both of your parent’s sides, Dean’s family started coming when you two were dating. A variety of your parent’s friends along with your brother’s and yours. You were surprised to see more cars in the driveway when you returned. Cas, Benny and Kelly were in the kitchen talking to your dad and brother, along with one of his old friends from school. It didn’t take long for the house to fill up with people and the sounds of laughter.  It was close to one by the time you and Dean went home after helping to clean up.  You were beat and ready to fall into bed, Dean not far behind.

The restaurant you were selling, was the store you spent every day at, it had been your baby over the last 8 years.  Since you were going to be closing it soon you had cut back on the Sunday hours which meant you and Dean could enjoy a lazy morning after the party. It was nice not to get up and go, you had missed the relaxing mornings you two used to enjoy. When you finally dragged yourselves from bed it was to the kitchen to make a late breakfast of eggs, bacon and toast. You would have to head in to work after lunch, but that didn’t mean you had to be in a hurry to get ready.  After cleaning up the kitchen Dean dragged you back to the bedroom where you spent a little more time catching up.

That week was Thanksgiving which meant a shorter work week for you both.  Thursday morning started off much like Sunday’s had, although you both had to be out the door by noon and have your food and deserts ready. A late lunch with your family at your grandmother’s house was first.  The Y/L/N could be a rowdy group, so it was usually a good time as long as you could avoid any family arguments.  After cleaning up there you would head to Dean’s parents where they had an early dinner. You tried not to eat too much at either place for two reasons, one you wanted to be able to move later and two you were trying to avoid being sick.  It didn’t hit you as much as before, but you never knew when it would.  After the guys collapsed in front of the football game on tv, Mary and Jess hit the adds. You left to go pick up your mom.  The last two years you to had done some Thursday evening shopping because you both worked on Friday, and it gave you time just he two of you.  You hit the mall and a few stores trying to start on your shopping list.  You meant it when you told Dean that everything was going to be done early this year. You were going to enjoy the Holiday season.  When you finished you dropped her back at home before going back to your in-laws. A short time later you and Dean headed home.

Much like it does every year December flies by.  You hadn’t finished your shopping as early as you wanted, but you weren’t as stressed about it this year.  You enjoyed nights with Dean curled up on the couch.  You had seen the Grinch more times than you could count this year, I guess you were having a Grinchy year.  Before you knew it, Christmas Eve was here.  Both you and Dean worked that morning before meeting your families at church for the 4 o’clock service.  You had to go early if you wanted a park, and a seat.  It was always so beautifully decorated for Christmas, you enjoyed taking it all in waiting for Mass to start. One of your favorite parts of this service was when Father would call any little kids up that wanted to and ask them questions about the religious aspects of the holiday. Where was Jesus born?  Your favorite answer this year was Baltimore. What gifts did the baby receive? Cake and ice cream.  The answers they came up with were always a laugh.  You hoped you would be sending your own child up there someday.

Everyone headed to your parents’ house after, some other family and friends would be joining you. You had dinner and then played games. As you and your cousins had grown so had the games.  Jake was the only child present and he wasn’t old enough to understand what was going on. With all the adults playing it could get a little rowdy especially between Sam and Dean.  One of your aunts had done that gifts wrapped in a saran wrap ball and it seemed like only those two could make much progress.  So of course, when one of them was trying to unwrap the other would give a little trash talk.  You had been feeling a little off and would disappear from the room.  When the ball was unwrapped, and Dean saw you left again he came to find you.  He found you sitting on the steps just outside your parents’ upstairs bathroom.

“Everything all right, Sweetheart?”

“Not really, my stomach is hurting me a bit and if I try to eat or drink I’m running to the restroom because it’s going to make a reappearance.”

“Anything I can do to make it better?”

“Thank you, but no I just need to tough it out.”

“Soon Y/N this is all going to be behind you honey.”

“I cannot wait.”

He held you close as you both sat on the steps for a few minutes softly kissing the top of your head.  When you rejoined your family, they were on to a different game.  The two of you hanging back to watch.  When the time came to leave you were more than ready to head home just so Dean could hold you in bed.  You fell into a fitful sleep that night, not feeling all that much better when you awoke.

The two of you were spending the morning at your mom and dad’s and then going to John and Mary’s in the afternoon. Your dad’s mom and siblings joined you for breakfast and afterwards you exchanged gifts.  Luckily, you only had to leave the room once.  Dean knew you weren’t feeling well so the two of you left shortly after to go home before heading to his parent’s house. When you arrived, you headed to the kitchen to help Mary.  The two of you got along really well, you often considered yourself luck in that way. A few of your friends didn’t have the best relationship with their in-laws. By the time Sam and Jess arrived dinner was ready, and you all gathered round the table to enjoy. It was a great night spent with them.

The end of December was quickly approaching, and you hadn’t heard anything from the company buying your story, communication had just stopped.  After you talked to your dad, he started making phone calls to the company again to see what was going on.  Their plans for the property and been pushed back a few months so they were no longer in a hurry to close. You ended up pushing your foot surgery back there weeks till the 6th of February.  Your dad finally got a date out of them you were closing on Monday the 3rd of February, that would also be the last day open.  You would spend the next two days moving everything out. The New Year wasn’t even here yet and you knew it was going to be going fast.  

Things were going to get busy for you in January, so you and Dean decided you just wanted a quiet night in for New Year’s.  At the store you picked up a bottle of Sparkling Cider to toast with, neither one of you big Champagne drinkers, along with a few different appetizers to make.  The evening was spent curled up on the couch watching movies, until you switched over to watch the ball drop. Sharing a sweet kiss with Dean when midnight arrived.  This was going to be your year.  The surgeries would be done soon, you and Dean could move on with the rest of your lives, it was all going to work out and be fine.

You had been right when you told Dean January would be crazy.  You spent the month working on cleaning out things at work.  The office took a bit of time, dividing up what was going home and what you were sending to your new office.   Cleaning out things you didn’t use any more, what you were selling and what was moving to the other location.  On top of all that you were trying to keep a relatively clean house and not let everything there fall on Dean’s shoulders. Everyday it seemed like a little bit more left the store and the shelves were slowly becoming bare.

Sunday through Wednesday of closing week was going to be extremely chaotic for you all, so you wanted things at home that needed to be done before surgery finished by Saturday. You cleaned the house top to bottom, rearranged the living room furniture so it would be easier to navigate on crutches, got the crutches ready,  finished laundry and tried to stock up on non-perishable groceries so Dean wouldn’t have to go out as much.  

The last two days you were open were particularly emotional for you.  This location had been your baby and second home for the last 8 years, you had helped with the cleaning, gutting, and remodeling of the building when you bought it.  Everything was set up just how you wanted it.  When you went back to work in a few months at the other location it was going to be vastly different.  Sitting at the closing you were trying to hold back the tears as you signed the papers, part of you wished Dean was there to give you some of his strength but he had to be at the shop that day since he was taking the next 3 days off.  Leaving the closing you went to work to open for the last time.  That day was extremely busy for your and Donna so many of your loyal customers coming in one last time.  Dean came in for a late lunch giving you a much-needed hug, he left after promising to be back before closing.  Dean along with your parents came back before closing helping you to clean up and finish making orders.  When you turned the open sign off one last time Dean pulled you into his arms and held you while you cried.

“It’s okay Sweetheart. It’s the start of a new chapter, you have a lot of memories to take with you.”

“Thanks, Dean. I know, I just hate goodbyes, and change.”

“I know you do, but it’s a good one.  Keep telling yourself that.  Closing this story is going to help greatly relieve some stress.”

“You’re right, Babe.”

“Hey! I’m always right. We should probably head home; we have an early busy day tomorrow.”

It was six am when you and Dean pulled back into the parking lot the next day.  You had wanted a few minutes without the others around to take care of some of your stuff.  By 6:30 someone was there to disconnect the water lines so the pop dispenser and ice machine could be moved.  Your parents arrived at 7 and you started loading both of their trucks and the trailer with items going to the other store.  Sam arrived and went with Dean in one of the trucks following your mom to go unload. Electricians, and others arrived to get the oven and its components unhooked.  You had gone around the day before and put a note on everything stating where it was going, whether the other store, your or your parents’ house for storage, staying in the building or going somewhere and you just didn’t know where yet.  The movers were the last to arrive taking some of the bigger equipment for you, this way you guys didn’t have to figure out how to get it on and off a trailer.  Dean and Sam arrived back to help load the truck and your SUV. At one-point Dean took one of the “going somewhere” notes and tapped it to your back.  It was awhile and two stops later before anyone told you. It was 6 o’clock that night when you put the last load in your car to leave for the day, heading home to unload one more time.  By the time it was unloaded your foot hurt so bad you could barely walk, both you and Dean collapsing on the couch not moving till you went to bed.

The next day you had a few more things to get out of the store and had to meet the pop company to pick up their equipment since they couldn’t come the previous day.  You left the store that afternoon for the final time. Your OB and scheduled one last ultrasound you had to run and get that done, thankfully the fibroid had not changed from your last one in December. One more grocery store run to stock up for a bit, then home to vacuum and make sure you were all packed for the hospital.  

Both your mom and Dean were going with you for surgery, but Dean had an early morning meeting the next day he couldn’t reschedule so your mom was staying the night in the hospital and bringing you home the next day.  It was an hour drive and you had to be there at 6:30 for an 8:30 surgery. You went through all your pre-op things and your mom and Dean joined you back there waiting for you to go.  Several people were in and out of your little curtain room, the surgeon, anesthesiologist, nurses, and med students.  It was finally time to wheel you back after getting one last hug and kiss from Dean and him telling you everything would be fine.  A few hours later you woke up in recovery which is where you saw Dean and your mom again.  It is also where you found out they didn’t have a room for you, and you were staying in a short-term patient ward.  It was almost like a pre-op room, one giant room with 15 curtained off rooms.  Actually, the pre-op room was bigger.  There was a bed a chair and one of the old hospital TVs that moved.  The back of your foot where they did the heal work was bleeding through your after surgery splint and they said it would take a few hours to stop so they propped it up and told you, you couldn’t get out of bed. It only took a few hours for you to be tired of sitting in one spot, as someone who spent all day on her feet this was a struggle.  Sleeping in a hospital had never come easy for you with your previous surgeries and adding all the extra noise with so many people around that wasn’t happening either.  It was later in the afternoon when you told Dean he should go.

“Babe, you might as well head home, you have an hour drive and there isn’t anything you can do here. Plus, there really isn’t any room in here.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to leave if you need me.”

“We will be fine, I’m not moving, and mom will be here if I need something.  Go home get some rest it’s been a long week.  I love you I’ll see you at home tomorrow.”

“Love you too, I’ll call you later. Take care Sweetheart. Y/M/N, call me if you need something or anything.” He gave you a kiss and hugged your mom before leaving.

The rest of the evening and night dragged on, when you finally fell asleep that night you woke up almost every half and hour. The nurses were in every hour, and around 2am one of the other patients started screaming because he pulled something out he shouldn’t have.  By 5 am you gave up on sleep.  One of the doctors came in later in the morning to wrap another layer of gauze around your splint to cover up the blood, and by noon they let you go home.  

The next two weeks went fairly quickly, Dean made a good nurse when he was home at night getting you whatever you needed so you didn’t have to get up or try and carry anything while using the crutches.  You had practiced on the crutches before surgery, but it is still a little different when you have to be using them.  As your family knew well, you were also accident prone and managed to slip and slam your foot down a handful of times.  Both your parents, and his would stop over during the day to see if you needed anything or to bring you lunch.   The stitches and staples came out at the two-week mark, that wasn’t a fun experience you had never had it hurt as much as it did this time.  The doctor wasn’t putting you in a cast, he was going to let you leave in a boot which you would be able to take off if you were sitting with it up or to shower.  Thank you for small miracles!  The next appointment was four weeks away, the Friday before your Monday surgery.

The next month went fine for you, just very long.  You were still stuck at home so things did get a bit boring, a number of new games could be found on your phone and you found a website with fanfiction from your favorite show you started reading.  While fine for you, things were going nuts in the outside world, something called Covid-19 was making a lot of people extremely sick, overseas countries shut down and in the U.S., many states were doing the same thing.  Your follow up appointment was cancelled and moved to a video chat, then days before it was scheduled your next surgery was cancelled.  Stay at home orders were put in place and masks were required for those who had to leave the house.  

It was definitely a crazy time and it went on for a few months.  6 weeks after you last video appointment,  during the first full week of May, you had another and this one sent you to therapy if you could find someone open.  You could also lose the boot and work on losing the crutches. The place you had gone for past surgeries was open and you started back there.  This surgery was the hardest time you had to start walking again.  There was a bit of pain if your heel hit the ground, so you couldn’t completely get rid of the crutches like you wanted to.  The therapist you were working with said with the type of surgery done to your heel, the pain you had with it would determine what you could do and how fast you would get there.  

You got a call from your OB’s office, they were given the clear to start surgeries again and yours was scheduled for June 1st, which was two weeks away.  You had had a few problems over the last couple of months and just hoped nothing had changed and they would be able to just go in and take the fibroid out no problem.  The closer the date got the more worried you became.  Dean tried to tell you everything was going to be fine, and not to worry, but you aren’t the best listener.  Because of things going on with Covid, you needed to be home the week before surgery as much as possible only going to therapy twice and the grocery store once early in the week to get a few things you wanted.  For the last three months Dean had done the shopping, and you were thankful, but there were a few things you wanted to get yourself.  Saturday you were going to have to get a Covid test and then had to self-isolate until you left for the hospital on Monday morning.  The hardest part of that was going to be sleeping in a different room from Dean, you were even supposed to wear a mask when he was in the same room as you.  You had spent the week before rearranging the living room again, then cleaning the house best you could as you hobbled around. Friday night you spent the evening with Dean curled up in your spots on the couch.  The closer you got to surgery the more nervous you became.      

“Sweetheart, everything is going to go just fine.  There is nothing for you to worry about, and no matter how much you worry it isn’t going to change anything.”

“I know, I’m just, I can’t help it.  You know how my mind works I’m great at going to the worse case possible. I’ve always wanted kids, and I know you did too, I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to give that to you.”

“Hey, it’s you and me no matter what happens.  If we can have kids one day awesome, if not we will look into adopting.  What’s not changing is you and me, we are in this together, always.”

“I love you.  Thanks for being so amazing, especially during these last crazy months when I couldn’t do much on my own.”

“I love you, too. That’s what I’m here for, you would do the same thing for me.  You always take care of me when I’m sick.  I will always be here for you.”

“I will always be here for you too.”

Saturday morning you did a few more things around the house before giving Dean a kiss and leaving for your test.  It went fairly quick your doctor’s office scheduled you an appointment and you preregistered. You headed home to work on laundry and make sure you bag was packed. That evening you and Dean were watching movies in the living room, although unlike usual you weren’t sitting together on the couch.  Sunday was a warm sunny day, so you enjoyed it outside. Monday morning Dean took you to the hospital, you went through check in and then through the routine in pre-op.  Just before they took you back you snuck in a quick hug and kiss from Dean.  

“I love you, Baby, everything is going to be just fine.  I will talk to you after surgery.”

“I love you too, thank you for everything.”

“You don’t have to thank me for anything.  We are in this together.  Love you Sweetheart.”

Dean was able to stay at the hospital during surgery, but he had to leave after. They weren’t allowing visitors into the hospital, so you were going to be on your own in the hospital for the next three days. Dean headed to the waiting room and they came to wheel you back to surgery.  Well, here goes nothing. 

Part 2

[sextonsharpwinhalstead]

Finally caught up on Med...

I have to say they are still on their bullshit but for the first time in I don’t know how many seasons the show feels like it’s moving towards something big as in the finale would be huge.

Every single character feels like they have some kind of growth or that they are moving towards something bigger, there’s definitely a momentum that I can’t quite put my finger on. There are so many moving parts and stories and for the first time since season 1 I actually feel some of the familial/friendly feels that they used to have.

Maggie has a real story, and we got backstory about a baby girl she gave up for adoption when she was a teenager who she has decided to actively look for! And how did we find this out? I wish that I could say it was something she disclosed to Natalie but it was to Sharon. This still backs up what I’ve said in the past that they aren’t as close as the show tells us they are (Maggie + Natalie). When Maggie needs to open up and get vulnerable it’s with Sharon, Will, or some of the nurses like April and Monique. But it’s not a shit on Natalie moment, she asks and offers to be there for Maggie more than we’ve seen in a while. I just wonder why Maggie doesn’t open up to her...like really open up.

Speaking of opening up I really like that all of the doctors are seeing Daniel, it allows for a lot of missing interpersonal communication that has been severely lacking in past seasons. I also love that issues like Ethan’s PTSD haven’t been forgotten. Daniel’s sessions with the characters feels more organic this season, the conversations aren’t written off a cliff and he always follows up and touches on issues that they spoke about in the past. It may seem small but it’s big thing for Med to keep the continuity going.

Sharon was MIA for the first few episodes but having her back once again feels organic, her story doesn’t feel shoehorned even though I’m sure some see it as “a lot” it feels right. I hope that there is a resolution with her son going forward and she isn’t caught in the middle much longer with his ambitions and her duty to the hospital.

Daniel’s custody battle is wild to me considering that I’m still in the middle of writing “Let Me Re-Introduce Myself” and I have him losing custody there too. Albeit for different reasons lol. I’m not a huge fan of Anna, I hope that Daniel gets a chance to be a good dad to her, with maybe a Robin sighting somewhere in the mix.

The show has managed to discuss and incorporate Owen more than they have in the last three seasons and I think that’s really cool. Natalie gets to be a mom and I think that’s needed for her character’s growth. I’m still really annoyed that they wrote her taking all these huge risks with her career last season just to have her leaning on Crockett every two seconds. That’s one of my biggest gripes with their writing of her. When she was closer and even in a relationship with Will it was the same. They were always on cases together and she was always getting a second opinion i.e second guessing herself. I don’t like that for the ONLY female doctor on the show. They are the only thing that feels sequestered and like the “old Med.”

The Crockett-Natalie relationship to me is manufactured chemistry which is this case for almost all the ships on the show. They write what they want, because screen tests are not a thing anymore. I like that he finally has someone to open up to and he has a place to finally be vulnerable. I don’t think any of this is meant to last. If this is the season for continuity than we cannot forget that Crockett watched Phillip slip a ring on Natalie’s finger and didn’t say shit...that will always be a yuck spot for me.

Manstead is DEAD in the water right now. But the Crockett-Natalie ship feels like Jeff and Natalie. She is like “yeah sure....maybe” I just don’t buy it for longevity. Crockett is going to end up hurt before she finds her way back to Will. And speaking of Will...

Will is criming every episode. Like the way this dude is head-on backsliding into the illegal nonsense, from giving/taking bribes to unblinding the study and then lying to Virani about it...this is building into something really awful guys. And also, what in the world is going on with the Virani-Will-Ethan weirdness. I think Virani is fond of Will maybe even a little attracted to him but she is flustered around Ethan. I don’t know if he is ready to move on but when he does, I could definitely see her going out with him. What’s odd is that the show after like two seasons finally has Will working with April and with the proximity to Ethan and Virani and all the clashing Will and Ethan have had this season...I don’t know where this is going...nowhere good though.

Ethan is a the best fit for Chief. I’m so grateful that we still see Lanik, I can’t get on board with them calling him Jim...that is a white guy manning the grill at some random neighborhood barbeque. I’d rather them call him James. Anyway we all saw the drill sergeant coming a mile away. I knew he was going to be crazy. I didn’t expect him to be stupid. He had gallbladder surgery and then came to work? C’mon dude. However, I feel like that was Ethan’s second biggest misstep the first was hiring Dr. Archer. Guys, he gives me DARK vibes. Like, Gwen and Jimmy, and Ava, and even Cornelius NEVER had the creep-factor that this guy has. There is something malevolent and downright violent about him. I don’t know if it’s the actor or just his portrayal of the character but I feel like at his most benign he would sue the hospital for wrongful termination, cause lets face it he is not going to make it at Med, or he is going to do something that is really awful. I could be wrong and maybe I’m channeling that feeling into a fic but I got my eye on that one.

And last but not least, April. I worried that she wasn’t going to get much to do and would go back to being a supportive character this season. When she isn’t in a ship she is completely ignored. But they haven’t been so terrible with her. I do feel like they could’ve written something a little bit more articulate about why the Covid-Unit was so important to her. Like we as an audience know April is empathetic but I wanted to hear what that felt like for her, maybe tie back into some of the things she’s given up for this job. I absolutely did not miss her saying that she felt like she was apart of something bigger and that “Ethan took that from me.” It felt like what she was saying had some double meaning, Ethan ending the engagement and ending their relationship as well as her saying he was his own worst enemy felt oddly therapeutic and somewhat foreshadowing of what’s to come. It’s clear that they still have feelings for each other. I just hoped for once that there had been a little more attention given to why she felt such a huge purpose from that work. I’m glad that she is helping with the trial. I have more Sexstead gif opportunities than ever before! Did anyone notice that scene was in the promo pics between her and Will and where she’s crying were deleted? I really want to know what happened, because those tears look like a patient she was closed to died or she was falling apart at the idea of not being apart of the trial anymore.

All the same this season isn’t that bad. What I’m  not crazy about I can tolerate and for once I’m curious to see what they are going to do going forward.

[glorious-blackout]

Summary of Junior Doctor Life - Preparing for COVID-19:

I can now fully appreciate the phrase ‘Calm Before the Storm’. Throughout my Surgical Receiving shifts I only accepted eight calls from community GPs across all four days… for comparison’s sake, I would usually expect to receive eight calls a day. Our usually busy emergency ward remained half-empty, while cancellations of planned procedures meant the Elective Surgery ward was also quiet. The percentage of GP referrals that actually required surgery shot up - it was one of those rare instances where multiple people with suspected appendicitis actually had appendicitis. Visiting hours have since been slashed so the entire hospital feels rather empty. In a way it’s been surprisingly pleasant - I certainly had one of the most chilled Surgical Receiving blocks of any junior in history - but underneath it all there’s the uncomfortable knowledge that the peace will shatter within weeks. 

One of the GP referrals I accepted concerned a lady where the community doctor felt she might have cholecystitis (inflammation of the gallbladder). The GP was upfront about the fact that this lady had a fever, but that would be expected of cholecystitis and the story I was told seemed to support that diagnosis. What the GP neglected to tell me - and what we didn’t find out until the patient arrived on the ward - was that her symptoms were less of the ‘gallstones’ variety and more ‘I feel generally unwell and have a headache. Also I’ve just come home from Spain’. Ultimately we had to isolate her and test for COVID-19, and in the meantime I got my first experience of taking bloods in full protective gear (well, a surgical mask, gloves and a plastic apron - this is the NHS under a Tory government after all). Thankfully her test came back negative and her symptoms resolved with supportive therapy, but I had to resist the urge to send a very passive-aggressive discharge letter to the GP.

An unexpected (but welcome) feature of this outbreak is that our higher-ups have stopped pretending that spending a year trying to look good on our portfolio is worthwhile. Now, instead of having to log 60+ hours of teaching or convince busy seniors to supervise us examining patients/performing procedures, the prevailing attitude seems to be “If you can survive a catastrophic pandemic in your first year, you pass.” 😅

In a country where everyone from Prince Charles to Boris Johnson to random footballers can get tested on a whim, there are still no routine screening tests for NHS staff. From what I’ve heard it’s a struggle to get tested even once you’ve developed symptoms, and there’s zero options if we’re asymptomatic. Given the likelihood of asymptomatic carriers being a factor in the spread of infection, I can’t say I’m fond of the idea that we could be passing the virus on to vulnerable patients without realising it.

Our surgical wards have now been split into the ‘Green Ward’ and ‘Red Ward’, with suspected COVID-19 patients being sent to the latter until their test results come back. Of course, in typical fashion all the patients sent to Red Ward so far have been Negative, while the one highly likely COVID-19 case we’ve had was initially sent to Green Ward due to lack of symptoms. 

All of us seem to have resigned ourselves to the fact that we’re doomed to get the virus at some point. It shouldn’t be such an inevitability, but between the lack of proper masks and sufficient testing we’ve all learned to accept it and get on with our jobs. For the most part we’re pointedly ignoring horror stories of ICU doctors being hooked up to ventilators and focusing on the possibility of having a whole week off.

Had to explain to one patient’s relative over the phone that, in light of her self-isolating as a result of her child having symptoms, it probably wasn’t the best idea for her to come and see her very frail grandmother. It took far more convincing than it probably should have done.

For infection-control reasons, our work outfits have now officially been replaced with scrubs, which is lovely because it’s like working in your pyjamas. Though the increased demand does mean that getting some in your size is a daily struggle (one which the theatre nurses tend to win).

Our hospital is still very much in the preparation stage (we have a few confirmed cases, but not so many that we’re struggling), and as a result the whole place feels eerily quiet. One of the most bittersweet things to accept is the fact that the hospital as it is now - with its half-empty wards and quiet assessment units - is how it could have been all along if people weren’t so quick to abuse the service. We still have our emergencies of course - people still get heart attacks during a pandemic - but we’re a far cry from the bed crises we used to face monthly. I’m hardly naive enough to believe it’ll last and no doubt I’ll miss this feeling in a matter of weeks, but we all seem to be enjoying the peace while it lasts.

Having had four days off during the initial stages of lockdown in Britain, I’ve realised that my anxiety is actually worse when I’m at home. Perhaps it’s the sheer quantity of horror-stories and scaremongering present on the news and sites like Twitter, but there’s something to be said about the quiet determination of NHS staff. Our seniors have made no secret of the fact that this is an unprecedented situation and that we’re all treading unfamiliar, terrifying waters, but seeing them get on with their jobs and preparing as best they can has done wonders to alleviate my own feelings on the situation.

I’ve also realised that - despite the risk - I’m genuinely grateful that I still get to go to work. I’m well aware that it’s going to become extremely stressful very quickly and I’m about to face some of the most difficult months of my life, but knowing that I can be of some use during this mess is a strange privilege. 

As a sign of how quiet it’s been (and an indicator that we have too much free time on our hands), I arrived at work today to find that my colleagues had assigned us all ‘Breakfast Club’-style monikers earlier in the week. I’ll give you three guesses which one applies to me 😉

[clouds-of-wings]

I wrote this like 3 weeks ago and actually got over it since but @tardigradedeathposture wanted to read it, so here’s the lightly edited rant.

---

I was going to not write about how crap I thought the Witcher TV show was but it keeps bugging me and whatever here’s my rant.

So as my followers might know, I played the games (yes even the first) and mostly liked them, especially the second, which I think is a great game and actually better than the third, which I still enjoyed. The first, well, had its moments. I’ve read the first book about 5 years ago after playing the second game for the second time but couldn’t really get into it, I watched the old Polish TV adaptation and found it sort of quaint but nothing special. So of course I was skeptical of the prospect of a TV show but also sort of interested.

Well good things first. I thought Henry Cavill played Geralt pretty well actually. People hated him when he was first introduced but I think most were won over by his performance. He isn’t quite like the Geralt I know, but that might be due to the script. Second good thing, Jaskier isn’t quite as incredibly annoying as he is in the games, though still annoying. But at least he isn’t a pimp here. Third good thing, Chireadan, because Elves <3

But apart from these aspects, I think I haven’t watched such a stupid show since Once upon a time (which was so terrible that it caused my gallbladder to ache non-stop, so I had to stop after the first half of season 1. Witcher didn’t do that, so I guess it wasn’t quite as bad as OUAT). I know the series follows the story laid out in the books, and actually my problem isn’t even what happens, but how it’s presented, in that story and characterization manage to be tepid and tropey and also illogical and self-contradictory.

Take Yennefer for example, because her character annoyed me the most.

Now I’m not a fan of her in the third game either but at least she has a consistent (terrible) personality and a will of her own there. I read that she’s a better character in the books, so okay. Maybe they butchered her on the show. I honestly don’t remember the book I read very well anymore, as I said, I couldn’t get into it.

She is explicitly said and shown to do very badly during her mage training and to be bad at court politics, she’s barely even shown doing magic before the last episode, but she gets to “ascend”, whatever that means, while the other (far more deserving?) students get turned into eels. Later her teacher says she was the best student she’d ever had (?? when? where?) and gives her trust and responsibility for zero reason and Yennefer goes on to save the day, sort of.

She gets, in one of the most unrealistic scenes on the show, cosmetic surgery that involves an extensive spinal operation and the removal of her uterus WITHOUT NARCOTICS and half an hour later she wows everyone at the prom ball. IIRC, in the books and the games the sorceresses and sorcerers alter their appearance using, uh, magic instead of having some guy rip out their spine. And the sorceresses explicitly make themselves beautiful because “that’s what their clients expect”, just like the sorcerers make themselves appear as “venerable” old men - because it’s the pre-conception their clients have. It’s subversive, John-Karen, because the mages somewhat cynically show themselves to be genre-savvy by exploiting the... why am I explaining this. It’s obvious to everyone except the idiots who wrote the show. The point is, it’s not about their personal empowerment, but they could have done something with Yennefer’s “ugly to beautiful” transformation and they didn’t, so that sucks too.

From the whole way she’s presented, it becomes clear that she would be a terrible mother (”happy childhoods make for boring conversation”), yet we’re supposed to feel sympathy for her quest for fertility. And she’s constantly bitter about her lack of it - when the surgeon told her very clearly that she’d be losing her fertility as a side-effect of the operation and she explicitly agreed to it. This wasn’t something that was forced upon her yet she acts like it was.

Just like in the game, she has zero concern for other people’s wishes or boundaries. I mean she cast magic upon a bunch of people and made them sexually assault each other, and the show just frames it as “sexy lady hosts an orgy”. Then she accuses Geralt of not paying attention to other people’s boundaries because he made a wish she doesn’t even know the specifics of (lol).

Yennefer is a pretty terrible person, which would be fine in terms of character, if she were actually presented as terrible. Yennefer actually has pretty exactly the personality of Cersei Lannister, but Cersei was intentionally portrayed as vicious, power-hungry, dishonest and irrational. We weren’t supposed to see her as a good person and that made her a great character. Watching Cersei was fun and interesting. Watching Yennefer is grating because in any sane universe, a woman like that would not be the hero. That’s also why I think it’s absolutely false to call TW “the new GoT”. TW is worse than even late seasons GoT.

However, the show loves her so much that it randomly gives her super-powers whenever it suits. In the fight in front of the dragon cave, she’s as good with a sword as Geralt, even though she has no training and no muscles and he’s literally been mutated to become a better fighter. In the last episode, she easily deters the attack by Nilfgaard and then destroys their camp (??) with magic when up until then she was only ever shown to be very bad at magic. (Unleash *~the chaos inside you~* god who wrote that script?)

But in the end, almost her whole story is determined by the effect she has on men. Despite all her qualities that we’re supposed to blindly believe she has, it’s her looks and the fact that some men like her constant pointless insults that determines what happens to her. The archeologist guy in the beginning is the only one who stops her from totally failing at mage training. The king she wows with her good looks and her early 21st century dress becomes her employer. Geralt and the Elf guy falling for her. The knight guy she manipulates into going to dragon mountain with her. Her only skill that she is somewhat consistently proven to actually possess is the ability to charm and seduce men with her beauty and her sparkling personality.

Unfortunately, this characterization is somewhat common among “strong female characters”. All the important female characters on American Gods are that way as well. Wonder Woman is (in the film, I haven’t read the comics) close to it as well. Random pointless superpowers, but her story is actually determines by everyone being head over heels for her because she’s pretty. I don’t really know why this counts as “feminist”, but for the media industry apparently it does. I think it’s rather the opposite.

But, god, Yennefer wasn’t the only terrible character. I also hated the way they portrayed what were apparently supposed to be Scoia’tael adjacent Elves in the first episode. Can you imagine Iorveth or Yaevinn make common cause with those planless caricatures? I absolutely love the clearheadedness and ruthlessness of the Scoia’tael in the games. They rebel against human oppression with the decisiveness of people with nothing left to lose. The Elves are portrayed as a mentally somewhat superior race who see themselves as the rightful owners of the land and are absolutely furious at humans using brute force to disinherit them. I love the absolute lack of moral high ground and of “virtuous victimhood”. I love the elitism turned to bitterness. I love the way they frame things like telling Elvish legends as acts of resistance (which is something that has plenty of real-life parallels). I love (since it’s fictional and all) the vicious treatment of human civilians, since, you know, from the Elves’ perspectives there are no civilians among the humans. In the games, you’re clearly made to understand that both the Scoia’tael and their opponents have committed terrible acts, and then, because this is war, you’re expected to pick a side anyway. Which was both easy and fun for me as a huge Elf stan in general, but I love that it’s not supposed to be an easy choice.

So I’m just talking about a short scene in the first or second episode, because that was the only time we see Elves who have Elf-specific problems, but I just hated that scene, because it steps into exactly the tropes that the games avoided. They complain, act irrationally and are portrayed as helpless, morally pure victims who won’t actually do anything that will do more than just slightly inconvenience humans. Toothless! Exactly as Hollywood would like oppressed peoples to be, righteous in their suffering, maybe stealing some bread but that’s all they will do.

Another thing that really bothered me was how unpolished it was. Hahaha! Terrible pun alert. They took everything Polish out of the story, see what I did there? I would have loved to see those houses with the flowers painted on them for example that are based on a real Polish village. What we got was just a bland Medieval(TM) world that could be anywhere and had no discernible features. It also obliterated the charm of the costume design. I found myself longing even for King Henselt’s unbelievably stupid belt because at least it had some character. And the weird and awesome creature design as well. None of it was on the show. Can you imagine that in a million years creatures like the three Crones from TW3 would show up on the show? Of course not, because a female character who won’t give the viewer a boner is obviously not worth showing.

And I don’t even understand how they managed to include Geralt being aware of his outsider status and thinking about it and to somehow make it boring anyway. But I’m really tired of writing and thinking about this now, so this is the end of my rant about like... half the things that annoyed me about the show.

[ncvaleereign-ar]

hi you beautiful people so ive been lacking muse for this beautiful human that is nova reign that i basically revamped her, gave her a new secret and changed her whole background. i basically wanted to start fresh with her and just try to do something new but also add in a sort of old muse ive had and combine her with my pop princess. so below is a new and improved nova. if you’d like to plot heart this and i’ll come message you <3

new york’s very own nova reign was spotted on broadway street in stuart weitzman heeled boots. your resemblance to perrie edwards is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty fifth birthday bash . while living in nyc ,  you’ve been labeled as being hot headed , but also tender hearted. i guess being a cancer explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be pastels, diamonds, sunflowers  .  &  ( cisfemale & she/her  )  +  ( anna , 25 , she/her , est . )

trigger warnings include: drugs & death

༄ ʙᴀsɪᴄs

ɴᴀᴍᴇ → Nova Lee Reign

ᴀɢᴇ → 25

ʜᴏᴍᴇᴛᴏᴡɴ → New York City

ᴏᴄᴄᴜᴘᴀᴛɪᴏɴ →  Musician

sᴇxᴜᴀʟɪᴛʏᴏʀɪᴇɴᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ → bisexual

ʀᴇʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴsʜIᴘ sᴛᴀᴛᴜs → single

 ༄ ᴘʜʏsɪǫᴜᴇ

ғᴀᴄᴇᴄʟᴀɪᴍ → perrie edwards

ʜᴇ��ɢʜᴛ → 5ft 3in

ʜᴀɪʀ → blond

eᴇʏᴇs → bright blue

sᴄᴀʀs → a scar on her stomach from getting a surgery removing her gallbladder, one across her forearm from not listening as a child and not paying attention to where things were causing her to accidentally gash her arm

 ༄ ᴘᴇʀsᴏɴᴀʟɪᴛʏ

ᴛʀᴀɪᴛs → + very warm welcoming, caring, will legit put your needs in front of her own, - hurt her or her friends vile, manipulative at times, can be snarky

ғᴇᴀʀs → being alone and spiders

 ༄ ʙᴀᴄᴋɢʀᴏᴜɴᴅ

*nova lee reign never wanted the life she was give but being born into a family of one of the most fearful and powerful businessmen/women in new york she had no choice but to follow in her family’s lifestyle. From a young age she had dreams, dreams that didn’t involve business deals, business meeting or being a feared person. 

*nova always wanted to go into music, whether it be starting a record company or sign a record deal one day, make a name that wasn’t her family’s but had to keep that a secret from her family but only made it her misson to make her dream a reality once she learned what her parents actually did soon making her actually having to live a double life because she told them her dreams and they laughed

* her parents say they own a company by the name Reign Enterprise but in reality that company is just a front of what really is going on behind closed doors. Reign Entireprise is just a codename for her family to hide behind the fact that they are a powerful mob family that instead of selling stock, they sell drugs and when they don’t get their way, they kill anyone that gets in their way.

*nova does everything she can to come out on top whether it be overworking herself or using her family ties to try to take down whatever competition which was how she got to be apart of her band. she hates using the name she was given but once she found out it worked out in her favor she went with the flow. well until she met a boy.

*when nova met alex she felt on top of the world. she didn’t follow her parents rules, she felt reckless and happy. she was in love. when she was with the male she forgot who she really was and that wasn’t okay with her family. which is where her secret comes in. two years into their relationship the two were just about to engaged, when her parents found out that nova was going to leave her family’s lifestyle they ordered a hit on her boyfriend and just before he got down on one knee the male was shot and killed by the hand of nova’s father and nova was the one to cover up the death.

 she keeps a double lifestyle, working for what she what she loves doing and trying to reach her goal but also trying to show her parents the fact that she could one day take over for them. personality wise, she’s a bit sassy will try to get you to cause trouble with her but that’s because she’s always looking for a good time. she’s also generally really sweet but that’s because she uses that as an advantage to get people to join in on all her plans and fun.she’s really loyal to her friends but to her enemies she’s a snake, she will do anything to ruin their life try to find their deepest secret and expose them only because that’s the kind of person she is.

 ༄ PLOTS 

 Everything that is right here! is very wanted!!!

roommate plots- please give this girl a normal life and give her some roommates who don’t know about her family and just loves her for her and dont think anything other than she’s a actual nice person (0/2)

ride or die/squad – all the types of best friends, male best friends, ride or die best friend a partner in crime this girl needs all the friends that she hides who she really is from of course but she still gets along with these people and maybe theyre the first person she calls when she needs to talk or get away (0/2)

childhood best friend- grew up together, always stuck together, and saw each other through the good and bad times. knows every secret and is that person she calls when she knows she’s going to have a mental breakdown (0/2)

guy best friend - plain and simple. her male bff that she goes to all the time to cheer her up, be her hype man and just talk about any and all things (0/1)

music friends - give this girl all the music friends pleaseeee (0/??)

Stay- “Tell me that it’s all okay I’ve been waitin’ on this all damn day call me in the mornin’, tell me how last night went I’m here, but don’t count on me to stay” || basically a very toxic relationship its a complete back and forth between the two. they either are together or they’re not until nova can’t take it anymore. yes she’ll still come when they call at three a.m. drunk off their ass but she won’t stay. she’ll help take care of them but that’s all. (0/1) 

Motivate- “When he moves in, I cave in want him to dive in my ocean we take off our labels on the coffee table 2AM and we just begun” || a relationship that purely works on sexual attraction, but also one of nova’s biggest motivators in life. it’s either really toxic or pretty serious. this person would be the biggest influence for her writing her song ‘motivate’ (0/1)

Happier- “And the image of you being with someone else well, it’s eating me up inside but we ran our course, we pretended we’re okay now if we jump together at least we can swim far away from the wreck we made” || basically this is a relationship (romantic or friendship wise im sure we can make it work) where no one wants them together. her friends tell her they’re a bad duo and their friends tell them they’re a bad duo. nova makes the decision to just be friendly during group appearances but knows they’ll never work out because the world is against them but she wants the other to be happier in life. (0/2)

Bad At Love- “I’m bad at love but you can’t blame me for tryin’ you know I’d be lyin’ sayin’ you were the one that could finally fix me lookin’ at my history” || nova doesn’t believe in love, she had it and it went away and then she tried again but she was never good at it because she makes herself believe that she doesn’t deserve love. this is basically a past relationship where she left, she ran when things got good because she was scared so she left without a word and now she’s running into them again and everything hits her at once. its a pretty angsty plot. (0/1)

Sweet but Psycho- “You’re just like me, you’re out your mind I know it’s strange, we’re both the crazy kind you’re tellin’ me that I’m insane boy, don’t pretend that you don’t love the pain” || this is like a ride or die plot, basically they’re like two pea’s in a pod. they get in trouble together, they have fun together, they might experiment things together but in the end they’re like the same person. nothing sexual comes from this. (0/2)

[cptn-stvngrntrgrs]

can you do a post- endgame romanogers fic? Steve and Natasha are married for 2 years now and suddenly she becomes sick. She panics because it might be a late effect of the soul stone which Steve very much disagreed. They went to the doctors and found out she's carrying a child! Steve tells her that the soul stone might've probably healed her

hi anon! thank you for this - i had fun with it!!!

Title: I guess we got the better end of the bargain

Relationship: Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanoff

Steve got Natasha back - soul for a soul indeed. But what they didn’t know was that Natasha got something back as well.

set post-Endgame and Nat and Tony are very much alive

Also posted on AO3!

Natasha woke up just as the sun started peeking in through the blinds. She blinked, feeling a bit too warm in Steve’s arms. He was still fast asleep, probably worn out from the mission he just came back from the night before. She terribly missed him - he was gone for two whole weeks, longer than he expected. It was the longest he’s been gone since the whole Thanos fiasco, and she has to admit that they were both pretty shaken up from it.

She wanted to stay in bed longer, to stay wrapped in his arms, but she wanted this morning to be a bit more special so she decided to just get up and make Steve some breakfast. She carefully wiggled herself out of his arms to not wake him up and made her way to the kitchen.

About half an hour later, just as Natasha was frying bacon, she felt his arms hug her from behind and his lips attach to her neck. “Good morning Mrs. Rogers,” he greeted, his voice husky and muffled by her skin.

“Good morning Mr. Rogers,” Natasha retorted, grinning and tilting her head to give him a swift kiss before turning back to flip the bacon.

“I missed you,” he whispered, still pressing kisses all over her neck.

“Mhm, I know - you made a pretty good point of showing me that last night,” she smirked.

Steve chuckled. “Want me to show you again?”

Natasha rolled her eyes, pushing him off her as she put the bacon on the plate. “It’s time for breakfast,” she walked towards the table and Steve followed her, pouting.

“Can we skip to dessert already?” he added, sweetly.

“Nope, breakfast is the most important meal of the day,” she teased, winking at him.

Steve filled her in about his mission over breakfast, with Natasha making occasional comments. They’re slowly rebuilding SHIELD up, with Maria Hill as the new Director. The Avengers are helping her with it; completing missions, training new agents and recruits, as well as keeping tabs on everyone else. Well, the rest of the Avengers anyways - those who are either permanently living in the Compound, or like Steve and Natasha, live near it.

Steve’s mission was with Sam and Wanda - it was just a standard mission of gathering intel from an underground nuclear weapons dealer and to possibly take down the operation. It should’ve been five days max, but they were compromised and had to stay longer than necessary.

“Well I’m just saying, you guys could’ve called me for backup,” Natasha said, frowning at Steve’s story as she at her toast.

“Nat, I couldn’t put you in danger like that,” Steve quietly reasoned.

“Oh, but it’s okay if you were the one in danger?” she snapped back. She doesn’t want to get pissed, she really doesn’t, but Steve can be a tad bit overprotective sometimes. And her emotions are all over the place lately, probably from the lack of Steve, she figured.

Steve sighed, drinking his orange juice. “Nat-”

He didn’t finish what would’ve been his plea for her to drop the issue because Natasha was suddenly on her feet and running to the bathroom. Steve, alarmed, ran after her.

Natasha was crouching down by the toilet, throwing up. Steve crouched right behind her, holding her hair up and rubbing her back as she continued to puke. She coughed once it was over and Steve pulled a towel from where it was hanging behind him and handed it to her. They were now sitting on the toilet floor, and Natasha all but collapsed weakly into Steve as she wiped at her lips.

“Nat, what happened? How long have you been sick?” he asked, once she has stood up and brushed her teeth.

Natasha didn’t answer but instead, made her way to the living room and sat on the couch. Steve followed her and sat next to her, grabbing her hands to hold. He rubbed his thumb at her knuckles as an attempt to soothe her.

“Nat, please talk to me,” Steve encouraged after a while of silence. She’s staring straight ahead, looking a bit pale, and Steve can’t help but to feel scared.

Natasha still has a lingering fear in the back of her mind. Vormir must have done something to her. She was the only one who had to… well, basically die to get the stone, and surely, that has to have taken some toll on her, right?

But then again, that was two years ago. A lot has happened since then.

They got married shortly after - a small ceremony at the newly rebuilt Compound’s training field that was transformed into a magnificent garden for a day. Well, it wasn’t really a “small” event since all the Avengers were there, and there’s quite a lot of them. Still, they were all Natasha and Steve’s family, and of course, everyone wants to see them finally tie the knot after so many years of “bad timing” as Steve called it.

Morgan and Lila were the cutest flower girls, and Nate was an adorable ring-bearer. Sam and Bucky were both Steve’s best man since he just won’t choose one between them. Wanda was Natasha’s maid-of-honor, and the girl was smiling brightly the whole day, even through her tears as Steve and Natasha said their vows.

It was easily the best day of Natasha and Steve’s lives.

All was well after that - Natasha and Steve moved to a house about thirty minutes away from the Compound. As hard as it was, they tried to put the whole snap and undoing of it, the Time Heist, and such in the past. They moved on with their lives.

Steve gave her hand a little squeeze and Natasha’s eyes snapped to him. She cleared her throat.

“This is the fourth day in a row.” she said in a low voice. She ignored the first two days she’s thrown up, thinking she just ate something bad. When she was sick again yesterday, she started to become a bit more concerned.

Steve’s eyes widened a bit, but he stayed silent. “Do you think…” she trailed off, but he knew what she was thinking.

“That this has something to do with the soul stone?” Steve finished for her. “Nat, I don’t know…” he said, shaking his head. “It’s been two years since then. Why would the effects show up this late?”

Natasha shrugged. “We don’t know what it really did to me. Yes, you brought me back. But is that the end? We don’t know that!” she threw her hands up.

Steve nodded, letting one of her hands go to rake his hand through his hair. “Do you want me to call Bruce?”

“Yes please.”

Steve stood up, leaned down to kiss her forehead, and went to their room to get his phone and call Bruce.

Natasha lied down on the couch, her mind racing with ideas on why she might be suddenly sick. She keeps telling herself that she just caught the bug, but it’s been four days. And she’s not too sick , but she just… feels like something is off. Her thoughts lingered on the soul stone. That must be it, she thought.

She gotta admit, she hasn’t fully ruled out “brain tumor” just yet. She looked it up on WebMD a couple of days ago - which okay, was a bad idea - and it turns out, nausea and vomiting are some of the symptoms of brain tumor.

“Bruce said he can meet us in the Compound in three hours,” Steve’s voice broke her out of her reverie, which she was glad for because her thoughts were about to spiral down on the idea of having a brain tumor.

Steve cleaned up the table and soon joined her in the couch. She curled up on his lap, and he kissed her as he reassured her she’ll be okay. Natasha nodded and rested her head on his chest as Steve turned the TV on and flipped the channels until he landed on a movie. Natasha dozed off after a while.

–

Steve was standing off to the side as Bruce checked Natasha’s vitals. It’s odd at first - Bruce fusioned with the Hulk as a doctor. Natasha looked so tiny next to him. Bruce had trouble adjusting at first too, with medical supplies being too small. Good thing Tony made some “modified” tools specifically for Bruce.

“Well, everything looks normal,” Bruce announced, taking off his stethoscope. Natasha sat up and looked at Steve then to Bruce.

“Should we run some other tests?” Steve asked.

“Yes, I say we definitely should. This could be a prolonged effect of the soul stone, or not,” he added, seeing Natasha’s frown deepened, “but we just have to be sure. I’ll call in Strange to help me operate the machines and diagnosis.”

An hour later, Dr. Strange arrived at the Compound. After Bruce briefed him about Natasha’s current condition, he suggested they do an ultrasound exam first.

“An ultrasound? What for?” Natasha asked.

“Yes, abdominal and pelvic ultrasounds. These are just to rule a few things out, like pregnancy.” Stephen answered.

Natasha nearly scoffed, while Steve stiffened. “Strange, I can’t get pregnant. You know that,” she reminded him.

Strange nodded. “Yes, I know. But it’s just routine, Natasha. And we can also see if maybe the vomiting is caused by something else, like gallbladder stones and whatnot.”

Natasha agreed and after changing to a gown, lied down on the seat next to the ultrasound machine. Steve stood right next to her, holding her hand.

“I’m going to start with your upper abdomen and I’m going to work my way down,” Strange explained. He spread the gel over her abdomen and moved the wand around. They were watching the screen intently, although Natasha and Steve has no clue on what’s happening. Occasionally, Strange would pause to zoom in, and Bruce would throw comments here and there.

After a while of scanning, Strange squinted at the screen and he and Bruce exchanged a look. He shook his head and rotated the wand for a different angle until he stopped and zoomed in on the image.

“No way…” Bruce whispered, taking a closer look at the screen, glancing at Strange and seemingly having a mute conversation with him.

“What is it?” Natasha asked, a little alarmed.

“Natasha, you’re… you’re pregnant,” Strange answered, turning to look right at her.

Natasha’s mouth dropped, not being able to comprehend what she just heard. There’s no way she’s pregnant - the Red Room made sure of that! No, no, this was some sort of mistake.

“But Natasha can’t get pregnant,” Steve spoke out for her. He too, looked thoroughly confused.

“There has to be some sort of mistake,” Natasha reasoned out, but her mind was spinning. Her grip on Steve’s hand hardened and she could swear she saw him flinch.

“I understand that, but here, look,” Strange zoomed in on the image and used the controls to highlight the screen. “This over here is the sac. And that,” he moved right at the screen to touch it, “is your baby. You really are pregnant, Natasha.”

Natasha and Steve stayed silent, both seemingly trying to process this information. They looked at each other then at the screen, then at the doctors.

“Congratulations…?” Bruce said, smiling at them, trying to gauge their reactions from the look on their faces.

The men still didn’t say a word until Natasha let out a sound that sounded like a choked laugh.

“I’m pregnant.” Natasha declared, more to herself than anyone. As if she’s testing the words and saying them out loud as a confirmation. She looked up at Steve, “Steve, I’m pregnant!” she let out, her eyes starting to fill with tears.

Steve nodded and smiled brightly at her, his eyes mirroring hers and leaned down to kiss her. “We’re having a baby,” he whispered at her lips.

Natasha nodded and giggled, feeling giddy. Pregnant. Wow. She’s actually carrying her and Steve’s baby. She never thought this was possible, but what surprised her the most was that she wasn’t even… scared or anything like that. All that she was feeling was pure joy and excitement. Sure, she’s still very much confused on how she was able to get pregnant, which reminds her…

“But how am I pregnant?” she asked, looking back at Bruce and Stephen.

“What, you’re telling me you and Cap don’t use protection?” a voice piped up, and Tony suddenly showed up, a big grin on his face.

Bruce and Stephen chuckled while Steve’s face reddened. Natasha just rolled her eyes fondly. “Well to be fair, we never really needed one,” she told him.

Tony laughed and approached the screen. “I just dropped by to talk to Bruce and I was told he’s here. Congratulations! You’ll love parenthood,” and he left the room with a wink.

Bruce cleared his throat. “Well, to answer your question, we honestly don’t know.”

“Do you think it’s the soul stone? I mean, it might have healed her when she was… there,” Steve suggested.

Strange hummed and nodded. “I think that makes sense. Maybe in a way, she was fixed? Replenished?”

“We could talk to Gamora and the rest of the Guardians to get some more insight, if you want.” Bruce said, looking at Natasha.

She nodded. “We can. But can we go back to the baby now?” she smiled. “Strange, do you know how far along am I yet?”

Strange picked up the wand and put it on her belly again. “Hmm, around 6 to 7 weeks, it seems. Oh, hold on,” he pressed some buttons and they all heard a thumping sound. “That’s the baby’s heartbeat,” he said with a smile, glancing at Steve and Natasha.

Natasha put one hand over her mouth, astonished. Steve squeezed her hand that he was holding and let out a soft laugh. “We’re going to have a baby,” he whispered, looking at Natasha then around the room with a wide smile.

—

An hour later, Natasha and Steve were at the common room with Strange, Bruce, Tony, and Pepper to talk about the pregnancy. Pepper was on the couch, very excitedly holding onto Natasha’s hand.

“Now, Natasha, we don’t want to scare you but,” Strange and Bruce shared a look, “be careful. We still have to run some tests and we have to monitor the baby carefully.”

“We’ll get my doctor from when I was pregnant with Morgan,” Pepper said, squeezing Natasha’s hand when she tensed up for a bit. “She’s one of the best in the nation and she’ll take good care of you.” Natasha nodded and smiled at her.

“For now, please don’t take any missions or do anything too physical.” Bruce piped up, handing Steve and Tony mugs with coffee. The two took it gratefully and gave him a pat on the back.

“How do you feel, though, Romanoff?” Tony asked, taking a seat across from her.

Natasha and Steve exchanged a look and he gave her a smile while sipping his coffee next to Tony. “I have to say, I was really glad it wasn’t a brain tumor,” she answered with a laugh. Tony almost spit his coffee up and raised an eyebrow at her. “I may have looked at WebMD for a minute.”

“But to answer your question,” Natasha continued, “I’m happy. Really happy.”

Pepper practically melted at her answer and gave her a hug, while Steve stood up and stood behind her, his hands giving her shoulders a squeeze, and kissing the top of her head. She looked up at him and felt her eyes water again. Wow, they are right - pregnancy does make her more emotional. But she just couldn’t believe it - she knew Steve wanted kids and although he perfectly accepts that she can’t have any, she still sees the way he is with Morgan or Clint’s kids. Natasha smiled even though she can feel a drop of tear fall - he’s going to be the perfect dad. “We’ll be a family.”

Notes: 

thanks for reading!

--and i hope i did the whole ultrasound thing correct? i have no medical background lol (im a business student, im so bad at science huhu sorry mom) but i did watch a couple of ultrasound videos and read up on it. i didn't think there were so many types of ultrasounds!!!!! i only ever had one to check for pcos (tmi, sorry) and i kinda used my experience to help write that scene lol

--ngl i might add to this - i kinda like the idea of James post-endgame!!!

[anandasamsara]

Am I wrong for not going to the hospital with my parents? My dad's gallbladder acted up again (i think it has been for close to a week now and just 20 minutes ago he decided to admit it), but im dead on my feet, just got home, it's almost 4am, i woke up around 7am yesterday, went out to the store, came back, worked on my projects all day, went to a friend's birthday party, and got my period which means pain and cramps.

I'm tired. I'm in pain. I almost fell asleep while talking with my mom. I'm kinda pissed that my dad didn't say something sooner.

Every time he only says he's in pain in the middle of the night when everyone else is tired. He ate 5 bologna sandwiches, which he shouldn't have, bc every time he eats too much of it his gallbladder acts up (probably bc it's too fatty). He was out and about with my aunt all day, she has a car, why didn't he ask her to take him to see a doctor?

I know it's not his fault, the medical condition at least. But he's a grown ass man, he should take care of himself. I can't take care of him, and mom, and myself, and job search all together. I just can't.

I was so good today. It was a great day. Now I'm just tired and feeling guilty. What help would I be there with them? No one can accompany him bc he's not old enough for it. If the doctors let anyone in, is just the one person. Doesn't matter if they explain to me or to mom, dad's the one who has to understand.

I just

I feel guilty. But I don't. I know I need to sleep, i know I'm not functioning 100% rn, so i would be no help there with them.

I guess I just want people, whoever they are, to sort their own things.

Dad should have followed the doctor's instructions. If he felt weird, he should have told us as soon as it starts.

I just don't want me or mom to lose any more nights of sleep for his lack of responsibility.

I just kind of don't feel anymore. I just need to sleep. Please.

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Sticks and Stones

A comment left on one of my photos!*

Let’s start this by simply saying Thank you!

Thank you for taking the time to comment on one of my photos – thank you for providing your opinion on a topic that we as women face on a daily basis – I want you to know that when you attacked my body, you did not effect me in a negative way – you did not discolor my self esteem, you did not hurt me (as I have been through far worse) and you certainly did not make me think any less of myself– in fact you empowered me.

You’ve made me stronger, so thank you!    

In many ways you are right, your opinion is exactly that – but it’s your form of “fit” that I do not fit into – not mine (or those who love me)  You see, this whole industry is in the eye of the beholder – it’s what we choose to get out of the process that matters, it’s all indifferent and perhaps if you removed your rose-colored glasses you would see beauty in all the different shapes and sizes the human body comes in rather then taunting those around you for not having your form of fit.

Those comments set us back, they linger and are a leading cause of so much self doubt and self sabotage and that conversation needs to change, you cannot be teaching children that – in fact, you should be educating yourself because YOUR perception of what “FIT” is needs to change.

FIT is defined as

“in good health”

……especially because of regular physical exercise.  

Well, that sounds like me…I mean

I have climbed the CN tower stairs, twice – all 1,776 of them.

I dance, every day for upwards of an hour or two

I lift weights every day

I fuel my body properly; I do not diet or restrict what foods I put into my body (because I am human)

So contrary to an unsolicited opinion on MY body…I AM FIT and here’s the thing- YOU (whoever you were) don’t get to decide – 

I have moved past that way of thinking – and I invite you to as well!  

I am not an expert.  I do not have a flashy background it fitness, I am not a trainer or a nutritionist – but what I do have is life experience, I’ve been through trauma (that I am still healing from) I have demons that I have been so ashamed to face until recently because of fear of judgement from not only strangers but from people who frequent my table.  The truth is none of this is easy to talk about, no one wants to stand up and talk about their body in a negative way, or relive their toxic relationships no one wants to risk appearing weak when there is already so much judgment out there, but guess what, we all have pasts, we all have gone through something that has lead us to be who we are today and just because someone has a similar story and lived through similar situations (and survived) doesn’t mean that your story is any less validated, it doesn’t make the experience any less traumatic or hard and it certainly doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to tell it – we tell our stories in hopes that it helps someone so that it shows that we can go through dark times and still rise – we should be encouraging people to read their chapters out loud instead of claiming rights to something that many of us have faced whether its disordered eating, body image, mental health, self sabotage, relationships…and so much more. 

My first ever heartbreak had a lot to do with my weight at 21 … I will never forget how I watched a man that I loved fall out of love with me as the number on the scale went up. I was insecure about it but we never talked about it - I never asked the right questions I never asked if he was still attracted to me (as he gained the same “happy” weight I did) I didn’t ask if he was falling out of love with me but up until that point I never struggled with my body image and I believed that the number on the scale didn’t define me – but the truth is, it DID (in my own mind at least) – and in the end he broke up with me.  Truthfully, I can pinpoint that to exactly when my negative relationship with my body started.  B and I ate out a lot and If we weren’t eating out then I was cooking big meals that were greasy and with portion sizes that were out of control, I thought food solved everything. I gained about 30 “happy pounds” and hit my second puberty. My hips went up 5 sizes, my boobs were out of control and I didn’t recognize the girl I saw in the mirror anymore.

Dating as a chubby girl was seriously depressing so much so that I tried online dating (I know, save the judgment for later) I remember only using pictures of my face and avoiding anything that showed my body – and I ended up meeting this guy and after a few days of us texting we went for a movie (we had a wonderful time and he seemed really into me) but unfortunately on the ride home he pulled over 3 times and PULLED IT OUT…(I am not joking and there is a whole other story to this) anyways – I declined – politely (3 times, once with tears lol)  I could tell that his ego was a little hurt.  Shortly after he dropped me off at home I got a message from him that said… “you know you’re a lot bigger in person” as if that was the reason he wasn’t going to see me again - (not that he was a total pig) but honestly I was shocked and so embarrassed that someone openly commented on my weight (that wasn’t my grandma) and I wont lie It really hurt my feelings,  but I politely reminded him that the weight was something I could easily work off, but he was stuck with a small dick for the rest of his life (lol) and so we never spoke again (until he came across my social media last year and has been creeping ever since!!)

The truth is in that moment I became so desperate to have my old body back - to be able to fit into my old pair of jeans (the “before” him jeans) that I started skipping meals – I lied to my loved ones about what I was putting in my body - I ended up in the hospital - multiple times with stomach pain and exhaustion - I took a leave of absence from work because I was too sick to even get out of bed.  

I DID THAT - I starved my body and all I can remember thinking at the time was that it worked, I lost the weight as if it was some miracle.  It didn’t change anything- I was still sad, I was still skipping meals and I knew that mentally I was not in a good place and it didn’t help that 6 months after the break up that spiraled all those negative feelings just announced he was getting married.  This went on for about a year, where I struggled with disordered eating and my body image - I met matt, at my thinnest and I maintained that as long as I could - fast forward to pregnancy (which turned out the be incredibly unhealthy) I was still  starving my body, its really the only pattern I knew and I continued to watch my weight,  I didn’t want a repeat of what happened with B, So I limited my calorie intake – But once I realized what I was doing I started eating smaller meals more often, then the portions became larger, and within a few weeks I went from not eating the foods I wanted to eating everything in sight.  I would over-eat…and then eat and then eat some more…and in 3 months I gained almost 40lbs (60lbs my total pregnancy), went borderline Diabetic and ended up having a premature birth at 7 months followed by my gallbladder being removed shortly after-  great experience, right!  

My mentality at that time was “Well my body is changing anyways, may as well enjoy it…”

Or “I’ve already gained this much weight, what’s another few pounds….”

WRONG, wrong, wrong WRONG - that is not a healthy mentality at all and again is a part of that self sabotaging culture that we as women live in.

I wasn’t surprised that 5 years later I still owned 95% of that “baby weight”, I knew I needed to get serious – I put blinders on when it came to my health I was overweight, I was lazy and I lacked motivation to work out and it wasn’t until about a year ago that I actually committed to something that worked for me… (did you catch that… “something that worked for me”, because everyone is different ) Anyways- It certainly didn’t happen overnight, and I had to overcome a lot of personal demons that ended up being bigger then just a negative body image - I had to get raw and admit that in some situations I was the toxic person – that I allowed my circumstances and for that I carried so much guilt. 

The point is! 

As human beings we need to learn to co-exsist with all of our demons whether its food, weight or body shape or even our mental health – we need to be as patient with ourselves as we are others, mindful of our own feelings, our own needs and we need to cultivate in them.  This is why this conversation is so important to me – why I choose to address certain things, why my social media is public- no one but me has the right to narrate my story and so the best I can do is live well,  without fear of judgment, comfortable in my skin, in my decisions 

- Although I am as open as I can be, I choose to be very conscious about what I post on social media (for a few reasons) - One is simple, my husband has to approve of the content being posted. Out of respect and love for that man who has supported me unconditionally throughout this process, regardless of being 1000% confident in my “now” body, he prefers some things to stay private (in which I totally agree) but the other is because there are people (no scratch that) women out there whose “dream body” is my “then” body –  and the words I use to describe how I felt in my own skin during that time can damage someone else’s perception of their dream body, it can become discouraging – But understand this, I know now that my body was actually never the problem. That additional weight I carried, was beautiful. I admit there have been things that I have been insecure about, yes but that was society making me believe that my body didn’t look right,  that was social media and marketing saying you are only worthy of real love at a 120lb and everything else is unlovable.  That was my own self sabotage that made me believe I wasn’t good enough as is and so I went to drastic measures to try and comply to what society told me beautiful should be and throughout this entire process I wish I would have told myself sooner that being a size 12 did not change my banging personality or my sense of humour and being a size 8 didn’t change my heart, or how I viewed the world and being a size 4 now doesn’t make me any better of a person then I was 10 years ago when I felt my worth was dictated by the number on the scale.  I have had to accept that not everyone will see “fit” the same way I do and unfortunately because I have decided to put my life on social media the way I do, I have opened a window for others to form that opinion of me, I have allowed them judge me, to be passive towards me or to even question my character and in some cases those opinions will be voiced but I welcome them and if by chance you are that person who wants to dim my light know this you can’t break me - I am 10000% comfortable and confident in who I am – Broken past, Belly fat, cellulite, saggy boobs and all (Lol)

I will end with this, I will not apologize for “showing off” as I have earned the right to – I will not apologize for over coming the two worst relationships I’ve ever had and will ever have in my life (food and my self worth) – I will not apologize for being my own version of fit even if it doesn’t align with yours and I certainly will not apologize for being who I am.

As far as I am concerned, as long as you are not harming others in any way, live unapologetically in all you do.  You don’t need validation from anyone or anything!

[kyungsoopilates]

Pens and Needles| 1

Pairing: Kyungsoo x Nurse!Reader

Rating: Fluff for now..

Word count: 2,174

A/N: a *cholecystectomy is a surgical procedure where they remove your gallbladder.

1 2

You’re awoken from your peaceful sleep by the sound of your annoying alarm clock. You groan, reaching your over to snatch your phone from your bedside table. The time in the screen reads a dreadful 4:01am. You sigh. Another long day ahead. You manage to pray yourself from your bed, slinging your feet around to the side and slipping them into your slippers. You make your way to the bathroom, yawning and stretching your tired limbs as you go. Once inside you turn the shower on, watching the water stream from the shower’s head. You peel off your clothing as steam begins to fill the room. You hop in under the warm steady stream eager to have the hot water relax soothe your muscles.

After a long steamy shower the rest of your morning routine goes by in a blur. After getting dressed and applying minimal makeup, you take your hair out of your bedtime braids and comb through the tangled coils with your fingers. Decent enough. You finish up in the bathroom and make your way into your living room, grabbing your bag, keys, and a jacket. You exit your apartment and make your way down the cozy little hallway to the building's stairwell. Might as well get these tired bones moving. Your apartment complex isn’t huge, but you live comfortably in a decent part of the city near the hospital at which you work as a nurse.

You see your next-door neighbor, Mr. Park, lingering by the front door of the lobby. He’s a nice old man who owns a popular coffee shop down the street. He often walks with you on your way to work, as you always pass his shop. He regularly gives you a drink to take with you. The first few times, you offered to pay him for the coffee, but he simply declined, telling you that as a friendly neighbor you were welcome to come by anytime for a cup. On the house.

You walk down the street side-by-side taking in your surroundings. Without the presence of the sun, the air is cool and still. You round the street corner; the coffee shop sits at the end of the upcoming block. It’s a cozy little place. Not very big, but what it lacks in size, it makes up for in atmosphere. You can see why so many people go there. It’s homely and warm; if you didn’t work as much as you did you’d probably spend a lot of time there just for the sake of it.

You come to a stop in front of the shop, you glance briefly at the sign, “The Roasted Bean”, it reads and wait patiently for Mr. Park to unlock the front door. He gives the door a light shove and steps inside. You follow behind him, walking up to a table closest to the counter, and set your bag on the ground as you seat yourself in the chair behind it. Mr. Park busies himself with making your usual cup of coffee while you check your phone for any emails and other notifications. The time reads 5:15. Perfect. You check the email you had received last week containing the information about today's upcoming patient. The head nurse assigned you a special patient for the next two weeks. They were set to have a cholecystectomy* today and would remain under your care until safe for them to return to their usual schedule. You definitely didn’t expect to be assigned to an idol, and you especially didn’t expect to be assigned to one of your favorite idols. Do Kyungsoo. You had been trying to scour through your brain for where exactly you qualified for this kind of patient in particular. However, you were one of the best nurses on your floor; people admired you for your maturity and compassion. Making you someone who patients requested often. You took your time with your all of your patients; you always made sure they had everything they needed and then some. You checked in on them more frequently than any of the other nurses did, you even bathed them on a regular, as many patients that you had were older folk. Maybe it shouldn’t come as a surprise that EXO’s manager had requested you specifically or rather, asked your Head Nurse who was most fit to care for one of his members. You were a tad bit nervous, not so much because of it being EXO’s D.O, but more so concerned about making sure you did everything to his liking. You’d also be lying if you said you weren’t a little nervous for him to be having such a painful surgery. Having experienced the whole ordeal yourself just a couple years prior, you had a fairly good idea of what he was in for.

Standing from your seat, you thanked Mr. Park for the coffee as you made your through the front door, stepping back into the cool morning. The hospital was only another 10-minute walk or so from here, and your shift didn’t start officially until 5:45. You walked at a leisurely pace down the block, sipping your coffee as you went. The steamy beverage warmed you nicely in the cool atmosphere. You continued your steady pace watching as the streets started to fill, littered with people making their morning commute. As you closed in on the hospital, you watch the sky change from its deep blue to splashes of brighter colors as the sun began peeking out over the horizon. You were just beginning to feel the soft warmth of its appearing presence, as you found yourself now stepping through the automatic doors of the hospital entrance.

You waved to Hani, a older woman, who sat at the reception desk and made your way over to the first-floor elevator. You pressed the up button and finished off the last of your coffee, tossing it into the nearest bin. The doors to the elevator parted and you stepped in, pressing the number two on the keypad. You dug your hand into the front pocket of your scrub bottoms, retrieving your ID lanyard and placing it around your neck. The elevator came to a stop on the second floor. You step out quickly, making your way down the narrow hall to the nurses’ station. You spot Soya, your boss, and head nurse, sitting at her desk. You walk over to her, seating yourself on the edge of her desk.

Y/N! Right on time. As usual," she smiles. Soya has always had a soft spot for you. Since you started here a little under two years ago, she had taken you under her wing and helped you move from being a nurse's assistant, who occasionally filled in when all the other nurses were busy, to a full-time nurse. She loved your enthusiasm and passion for taking care of people. Leading you to your biggest assignment yet. 

“Always. So big day today I guess..” you trail off, fidgeting with a loose string on your top. You didn’t want her to see how nervous you were.

“For you or for your patient?” She lifted an eyebrow questioningly, chuckling softly.

“For the patient, obviously, he’s the one having surgery. Not me” you let out a deep sigh. “It’s fine, I’m totally fine. I’m not worried at all. Everything will go smoothly. I not even nervous.” Her expression softens.

“There’s no need to be nervous, Y/N, this is nothing you haven’t already done, like a hundred times. Just treat him the way you treat all your other patients. There’s no extra pressure just because he's a celebrity.” She stands from her desk, walking around it to drape her arm around my shoulder. She leans in slightly to whisper near my ear, “You are the best nurse on this floor. This new patient? This new young, strapping, handsome patient? He is going to adore you, Y/N. I’m calling it right now. In fact, I ought to start placing bets with the other nurses, make a little extra cash, you know?” She wiggles her eyebrows at you, grinning mischievously.

“Now why would you of all people need extra cash? You are literally the Head Nurse. I’m pretty sure you make double our pay.” You squint your eyes at her accusingly.

She places her hand over her heart, feigning hurt. 

“Me, making more money than you? The world’s best nurse? How could you even say something like that?” She gasps dramatically, releasing her arm from around you.

You roll your eyes at her antics. Thanks to Soya, you feel a lot more at ease about your newest patient. It’s less than an hour now until he's set to arrive for surgical prep.

You spend the next 15 minutes setting up a room on the 5th floor where your patient would be spending the next two weeks. You fixed up his bed, making sure he had enough blankets to keep warm, and pillows to ensure his comfort; as this was an abdominal surgery he would have to sleep on his back for awhile post procedure. Stocking the room’s drawers with extra disinfecting and bandaging supplies, you finished up and made your back downstairs to the surgical station to see if Kyungsoo had been checked in.

“Y/N!”

You turned around, only to be greeted by Tiffany. Tiffany was another nurse that you had worked with for quite some time. Although she was less serious about her work, and often tried to pull you from yours, she was still an okay girl.

”There you are, I’ve been looking for you. Your special patient is in the waiting room. Reception just checked him in.” she winked, giving me a suggestive look.

”Ew, please don’t look at me like that. And definitely don’t come anywhere near me once I call him back. I don’t need you embarrassing me.” you scold her.

”Oh come on, aren’t you at least gonna introduce me. I mean he’s such a cutie!”

”Goodbye, Tiffany.” You leave her behind making your way towards the door leading to the waiting room.

You take a deep breath and open the door, scanning your eyes across the nearly vacant lobby. You spot a man in glasses, hunched over his phone towards the back. A small black suitcase sits in the chair beside him. You walk over in his direction. Given by the amount of older people in the room, you can confidently assume this is your 26 year old patient.

”Do Kyungsoo?” he startles slightly glancing up from his phone . You offer him a gently smile.

“We’re ready for you.”

“O-okay.” He tucks his phone away into his back pocket, grabbing his suitcase and standing from his seat. You walk ahead of him, leading the way back to the door you had entered from. You open the door, allowing him to walk through first.

“If I could just have you step onto this scale to record your weight.” You gesture in front of you both to a scale that sits off to the side of the wide hallway. You remove a notepad from your scrub pocket, readying yourself. He steps onto the scale quickly, and you note the number that pops up on the little display.

“Perfect, you can step down now. Do you happen know what your height is?”

“About 5’8.” You scribble 5’8 down, making a mental note to convert that to inches when you go to enter the information into the computer later.

“Alrighty, you can follow me and we’ll go on in to your room where i’ll get you all prepped and ready.” You lead him further down the hall, counting the numbers listed by the doors as go. You make a right, turning into the hallway leading to rooms 15-30.

“Alright, here we are,” you stop in front of room number 19, pulling aside the curtain and stepping into the room. Kyungsoo follows behind you, glancing around at the various equipment and devices. “This will be the room that I get you all prepped and ready in. And then after your surgery instead of coming back here you’ll go up to the fifth floor, which is where you’ll stay for the duration of your time here.” You explain. He nods, setting his suitcase on one of the chairs.

You make your way over to the computer, signing yourself in, you begin inputting the information you wrote down early. You temporarily switch the computer back off turning to face Kyungsoo.

“So, first I’m going to let you get undressed and changed into this gown here,” You gesture to the folded gown lying on the bed. “While I go and grab a few things, okay?”

“Do I take everything off?” He asks sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Yep. Everything off, underwear included.” You walk back through the door way grabbing the curtain. And when you’re done you can just pull this curtain back so that I know you’re ready.” You pull the curtain, allowing him the privacy he needs to undress.

[fourteen--steps]

This is maybe not a good time of night to post this and actually get responses but idk it’s stuck in my brain and I’m hoping for some input maybe?

Fat Bub has a fast growing tumor behind his right hand pectoral fin. I noticed it as a few raised scales when I got back from visiting family in december, and it’s ballooned to a solid, round lump under the skin, larger than a pea, within a month. In spite of his name, he’s not all that big yet and isn’t even a year old and that’s pretty damn big on a little fish. This pic was from a week ago and it’s grown since then.

And I’m not sure what to do. That rate of growth is pretty scary. Tumors on goldfish are generally benign but even so, a benign tumor can still cause problems when they’re large or in problematic areas. He’s not showing any issues swimming yet but I’m sure once it’s heavy enough he probably will. I also don’t know if the mass extends inside his body at all, or could potentially be pressing on any important structures of his pectoral fin. I’m not sure if it might damage nerves or muscles he needs to move the fin, or press inward and compress his swim bladder or digestive tract (I believe the liver and gallbladder are around there? Spleen maybe?). 

There’s the possibility of removal. But I’m not sure how much I trust the vet I was going to for the Plague stuff now. I was very upset in the end with how they were handling my situation and the lack of urgency the vet had for the lives of my animals. I don’t doubt her qualification, but I’m still very wary and not sure I want to bring my business there again. If it were a more clearly defined mass I would feel comfortable removing it myself, but I’m hesitant since it’s under the skin and I can’t really see how far it goes. I don’t want to start and then see that it extends into his body or further along under the skin where I’m not confident going and then not be able to remove it all or risk hurting him. 

But even with that from past experience I know that these fast growing tumors don’t usually stay gone. If you leave even a tiny bit of the cancer tissue left, it grows back. And in a fish as young as Bub..? It’s just really not good odds...

I’ve seen young fish truck through 2 or 3 tumor removals and bounce back great, but it just always grows back and even though it buys them a few more months they still end up euthanized eventually.

I guess I just don’t know what to do. I feel like if something is going to be done surgically it should be while it’s still a reasonable size. But I don’t know what or with who or if I even should. I’m not ready to say goodbye. He’s my special boy. I’ve had so many losses in the last few months I’m not ready for my big dumb beautiful boy to go. I’m not. He’s not either, I don’t think, he still doesn’t even really know anything’s wrong. Would I be horrible to put him through those things? What if it does work? What if we take it off and it’s gone? Or it turns out to have been an infection or parasite related thing or something curable? 

What if it’s not..? How do I know what to do?

[theworldoffostering]

Yesterday

I haven’t actually seen Baby’s mom since early September when I accompanied her to her last doctor appointment.  She’s 29 weeks along at this point and had a total of two prenatal appointments so far. She’s actively using meth and cocaine/crack (she’s uses these names interchangeably so idk).  She said that she is off of heroin for good.  I don’t have any reason not to believe her at this point.  As far as I know, she hasn’t used heroin in over a year.  She does have hepatitis C and known gallbladder issues.  I am really getting an inside look into how the healthcare system does not work for addicts.  I mean, I’m not sure what I thought it would be like.  Truth be told, I’ve probably given it zero thought up to this point in my life.  Mom genuinely wants her baby to be okay.  People (doctors and other medical staff, as well as the general public) think that she’s awful because she’s using while pregnant.  I understand (intellectually) that the drug use is hurting her unborn baby, but there is no real way out for this mom.  She has been through treatment multiple times.  She told me yesterday that the only way to quit is to decide that you’re never going to touch the stuff again.  Apparently that’s how she did it with the cocaine (I have zero experience with street drugs, so I really take her at her word with what she tells me about her experiences). We showed up at urgent care. We were seen.  Doctor was amazing.  The lady at the front desk asked me if I was her mom.  Whuck?  I mean, I am older by about 14 years, but no, I’m not her mom.  Doctor didn’t have the ability to do the imaging that was needed, so he sent us onto the ER.  At the ER, the nurse asked me if I was her mom, and then told me she thought that because of how I was dressed (leggings, boots, cardigan).  Let’s just say I feel old and out of shape today.  We sat in the ER for hours which is typical.  However, mom was clearly irritated, agitated, and going through withdrawals.  There was also a problem with her insurance.  It had lapsed, but that was a mistake on the part of the state.  Thankfully, Mom was able to take care of that today, and it should cover her retroactively, since it never should have lapsed in the first place.  However, yesterday, it just made her more irritated and agitated.  She’s not a good advocate for herself.  She’s impatient with medical staff, and she swears profusely (although she tries to keep it under control).  The more questions people ask her, the more irritated and impersonal she becomes.  Not being able to smoke a cigarette for hours on end only furthered those feelings.  It was difficult to say the least.  She probably would have left AMA if I hadn’t been there.  I had to smooth things over with medical staff, and I was sort of frustrated by their lack of understanding.  It was clear that they don’t deal with this situation on the regular which was somewhat surprising to me.  The doctor eventually came in the room and Mom had pulled out her IV at that point (well, I did per her request), and when Mom told the doctor she wanted to leave asap, the doctor sort of took an attitude with her and said she had been on the phone for an hour trying to get her prenatal care so she could leave with a plan.  The thing is, Mom felt like that was the doctor’s job, and the doctor clearly felt like Mom should be grateful to her.  It was at that point that I realized that the doctor was absolutely clueless. She wanted to be helpful and was genuinely trying to be, but Mom did not care that she had spent an hour on the phone trying to help, and basically Mom is right--it’s her job.  The doctor reached an on-call OB at the hospital where Mom wants to deliver.  The OB wanted Mom to transfer there last night.  Mom said no.  They gave her the number to make an appointment so now we’ll wait and see if she makes the appointment.  I’m sort of panicking about the meth use.  That’s all I’ve got for now.

[andthenrealitycrashesthrough]

Writing Prompt!

Based on This Post of mine:

@glieric Ask and ye shall receive! (but also be careful what you wish for):

Her eyes burst open, ready for the day, as her chest heaved furiously. Furrowing her brows, she gulped lungful after lungful of air. After a lengthy and peaceful sleep, she was finally awake.

“Hmm.”

She hummed to herself as her eyes quickly scanned the room, darting violently back and forth. “Looks empty to me. Apart from myself, of course,” she added quickly. Too quickly…

Suddenly frightened at herself, she leapt out of bed, slowly at first and then all at once. Getting out of bed can be DANGEROUS if done incorrectly. One could…break something. She then carefully, CAREFULLY walked over to her bedroom, cautiously ensuring that she didn’t hit the floor too hard.

As she looked down she realised that she was standing on dry ground. This was particularly shocking despite the fact that she had always lived on dry ground. But I digress. Clutching her chest in horror, she looked around her. Astonishment filled her every feature, from her face to her gallbladder, for what did she see? The walls were ALSO completely dry! Who could have foreseen such a thing?

The unavoidable dryness she was faced with, surrounded by, being suffocated by, suddenly alerted her to her incredible thirst. At that moment she knew that nobody was, or indeed ever had been, as thirsty as she was at that moment.

She moved about the place swiftly, sucking each last drop of everything she could find. She drank the milk first; then began squeezing liquid from the onions in her pantry; next came the grapefruits (disgusting, yes, but she was desperate); these she washed down with a mass array of other liquids—truly anything she could find.

“Mmm yes, that’s the last of it! There is no more liquid in my house!” She remarked scornfully, her head emerging out of the now barren toilet bowl as she licked her lips.

Content with her quest, and with her thirst now rather quenched, she quickly began dressing for school. She was pleased. Very pleased. So pleased with herself, indeed, that she began crying tears of pleasure and happiness at herself and her incredible liquid-seeking abilities.

But once she began crying…she could not stop.

She cried as she put on her pants, three legs at a time. She cried as she licked the walls, hoping in vain for some kind of liquid to satisfy her thirst. She even cried as she tied her shoelaces. Like, both of them. Wow.

Suddenly, she realised how late it was.

“Oh boy! School time!” She hissed out into the open air of her neighbourhood as she closed her front door gently, then opened it again and slammed it seventy-two times. She was hissing because she was so thirsty that her throat was dry and her voice hoarse. In case you couldn’t figure that one out for yourself, reader. Honestly, must I do everything myself? Whatever. Anyway.

 Finally at school, she looked about in desperation for her friends. She could think of only one thing: how so very, very, incredibly and undeniably, completely and very thirsty she was. She totally wasn’t thinking of sucking their blood. She’s not a vampire, reader. Oh my gosh what is wrong with you why would you think that?

In the busy school hallway and surrounded by hundreds of people she hated but was forced to be locked in with five days a week for hours at a time, she spotted her friends. Yay. Good for her, having friends and stuff. I’m not bitter.

Her eyes dramatically adjusted and zoomed in, zeroing in on the item in her friend’s hand.

‘Eureka!’ She thought. ‘I am so very thirsty, so this quaint little beverage will surely salvage me from the depths of arid and desolate despair and return me to good health!’

Gripping the drink tightly, she braced herself for the cool liquid to grace her throat and travel down her oesophagus and into her waiting stomach, and like, eventually be absorbed into her bloodstream only to be filtered out by her kidneys and expelled as waste from her bladder. Because science.

But lo! What’s this? Betrayal!

The drink was empty. The drink…had already been drunk.

Her chest heaved several times. Her blood boiled to approximately 395 degrees, then sautéed with peas and onions; served with saffron rice and yoghurt. Her pupils dilated to such an extent that nearby planes almost mistook them for a landing zone. Never had she felt more betrayed. More dead. More alive.

“This bitch empty!” She bellowed to the crowd, entirely unaware that she was being recorded on a portable filming device. And, with a great thrust of her capable arm, she flung the empty beverage over the heads of the fellow humans she detested so entirely.

“YEET.” She screamed as the empty drink disappeared from sight, just as her hopes, dreams, aspirations and trust had upon discovering the obvious lack of beverage within the drink. And so, like the drink container, she too was empty. Yeet.