#when literally just discussing it more and getting context can make it so much easier to understand

[redysetdare]

I keep seeing other Aros say things like "Having a crush sounds like an anxiety attack" and while I get the misunderstanding I need y'all to realize that it's literally just the vagueness of the wording that's making you think this.

Crushes often get described as causing a "racing heart" you know what also is described that way? someone being excited. Someone being overjoyed. and yes, someone feeling anxious.

And the thing is, it's not wrong to assume anxiety because yes - Crushes can cause a bit of anxiety but the reason for the anxiety is different. Someone may be anxious around a crush because they want their crush to like them and don't want to embarrass themselves. It's just the generic anxiety of wanting to be likable to people but instead just being geared towards a specific person.

There's also the fact that a crush, like anxiety, does trigger adrenaline. but so do many things, such as going on a roller coaster. People enjoy roller coasters just fine because of the adrenaline rush and everyone agrees that going on roller coasters aren't anxiety attacks.

Basically what I'm trying to get at here is "this sounds like an anxiety attack" shows a misunderstanding of symptoms and in some cases is willfully ignorant as it shows that you don't wish to learn beyond your own understanding. And this misunderstanding is due to how vague the wording used to describe crushes usually is. It's using words and symptoms that depending on the context can mean different things.

TL;DR Crushes are no more like "anxiety attacks" then getting an adrenaline rush on a roller coaster. It's okay to not understand something but maybe don't call what you don't understand an "anxiety attack"

[mrghostrat]

This isn’t really a question for you but to the other anons who say they “hate aus but love yours” and I kind of want to know why? I also LOVE your AUs and it’s not an insult to say they both (streamer/bnf) push the limits of the canon characters to almost breaking point. They’re really their own characters and it’s a good thing. But if you’re someone who hates aus I’m surprised they would go for the extremes? Have they just not given aus the chance? I think in their rush to praise you they’re unintentionally punching down on other aus. bBut if they like yours so much there’s so many other possibilities they could also love if they give aus a chance

i get it tbh! and i don’t think it’s inherently insulting to other AUs, because it’s not a matter of quality, it’s a matter of preference.

for some ppl, the characters’ roles as angel & demon and the STAKES that come with that, are so integral to their characterisation, and a key part of what makes their pining & their personalities recognisable. what they’ve been through, fighting the apocalypse and sneaking around under the noses of literal heaven and hell have formed them as people*, and their relationship, to an incomparible degree. and 6,000 years hits very different than a human lifespan.

it’s valid to prefer the setting that turned the characters into who they are. that’s the crowley and aziraphale we all love, after all. i love canon compliant or divergent fics, but for me, i just get restless reading such a narrow selection of plots and feelings, and have always loved the open-endness of AUs (in every fandom).

the other problem with AUs is that, by taking them out of their primary roles, it’s a lot easier for writers to tangent and drift away from accurate characterisation. without the tether of canon roles and settings and past decisions, you can very easily forget what makes them Them.

there are plenty of readers who consume fan fic because they want more stories about the characters AND the story/setting/context they’ve grown to love on the screen/page. i daresay most of them lol! i personally love characters more than anything, and like finding ways to tie their canon personalities and decisions into new settings, to see how they would approach human problems. but i understand feeling like crowley and aziraphale are only crowley and aziraphale when they’re in the universe that made them who they are now.

this isn’t to say that every other AU is badly written or unenjoyable. it’s just that it’s harder to get it right, which can be off putting for readers who value that to try and scour through the archive for something to read; and even when they are characterised well, it doesn’t change the fact that people who prefer canon simply don’t enjoy tearing them away from it. those people likely enjoy mine because i try very very hard to NOT make them their own characters, i want to change the setting and the stakes but i’m gandalf pouring over scrolls and documents trying to get every nuance of characterisation right, despite how Out Of Left Field the initial concept might seem. and so i’m lucky they’ve decided to give me a chance, be it from my art, my writing style, the snippets i share, or all the wonderful people who’ve recommended me.

source: i prefer human AUs and @thewolveswolf prefers canon compliant and we’ve had this discussion on the daily LMAO

[qqueenofhades]

you can tell you work in academia with how much patience you have for some of these asks...."I don't know what is and isn't true anymore" is such an indefensible cop out of a way to exist in the modern world. morally clean "Leftists" could at least have the decency to learn the history of the people and places they pretend to care about for internet points, but hey, it's way easier to take the Opressor Approved route and give into despair and recycle repurposed right wing propaganda like the TERF version of geopolitics. a lot of people need to ask themselves, if there were no internet asspats involved, would you actually still care?? anyway thank you for your patience and willingness to engage, you're a better person than me :')

So far as the other anon goes, they have apologized and taken responsibility that it was a dumb thing to do, I have accepted that apology, and I think that matter is now closed. And yes, I do actually appreciate (as discussed in many other posts and asks) that it is difficult to always and automatically find reliable information, that it has been made deliberately even more difficult to do so by various bad actors, and that this results in a big ol' Bad Take Sea even by people who are genuinely otherwise well-meaning or want to make a positive contribution. So I really do have sympathy for that. Perhaps the previous anon did not put that sentiment across in the best of ways, but as I said, we should all have a bit more grace in remembering that we are real people behind the computer/phone screen and are dealing with different stressful things, and therefore sometimes make mistakes and do or say things we don't mean. (You know, for those of us who aren't pornbots. Oh tumblr.)

Where you and I absolutely agree, however, is that just because it is sometimes difficult to acquire that information, or that systemic and deliberate barriers/misinformation has been put in place to increase the difficulty, it does not excuse people from the responsibility of doing so, especially if they want to put themselves in the position of being the Perfectly Correct Social Media Oracle who will judge and criticize everyone else's responses and act as if that has some real-world impact or is a real marker of someone's "personal morality." And there are for sure plenty of people who are doing that with literally no self-awareness or other critical tools, because as you say, they want the Internet Asspats for being seen as a "Good Person" according to a very narrow and limited definition. But they can't think about what that entails, how to challenge it or correct it, or otherwise apply it carefully, so, yeah.

As I said, I am generally willing to answer asks that are made in good faith and show a real willingness to learn, because (as noted and which is doubtless visible again here) I am an academic and I enjoy having these kinds of discussions. But this topic in particular, and modern social media in general, is really not made for it, and it's easy to get sucked down the Discourse Black Hole that doesn't do anything for anyone, and I try to avoid that. So I answer only when I think I can contribute something useful to the discussion, which results in those kinds of long and careful responses where I do always worry that I haven't said enough or said it the right way, especially with the bad-faith reading police eager to leap on any small misstatement or sentence taken out of context. That is of course a hazard of being a person on the Internet in 2024, and since I am still here and still answering questions generally, I have clearly decided to accept it. But I also don't have an obligation to respond to *everything,* and I don't. It is a fine line to walk and again, I am a middle-aged tired academic and ordinary person doing my best. I appreciate your support. :)

[djsherriff-responses]

Manga spoilers, or “How Dolph’s perspective of his own memories conflict within itself”

As well as other thoughts (please please discuss this with me) Note I only read the preview pages from Google books , which while has shown the most from the manga it’s only previews and thus I am missing huge chunks of context . Also apparently there was a print issue and they’re reprinting the manga to be on shelves for Match, talk about a doomed yaoi am I right fellas?

While it’s more likely the stuff that contradicts with the show (and itself) is due to the two projects being made in different paces , as well as just general struggles writing a manga spin off of a new property, it is fun to see possible narrative purposes that can be strung from it especially for fanfic angst purposes

Particularly the fact the manga is Dolph revisiting his memories

One of the story beats of the manga that immediately stood out to me was the differences between how Dolph met Alex

In the manga it’s either day light or the very early evening seeing as how Dolph walked past groups of people and families while wondering the beach city. After Dolph fails getting pizza, he makes his way to a bar called “Spark” and finds Alex, notably surrounded by people partying and being rather jolly himself

But in the show? Drastically different flashback, different tone even

This is clearly the dead of night, and the bar called “Prism” is quiet , or at least doesn’t seem to have as much as an active rave compared to Spark. Alex is a lot more attractive relaxed here, having a smoke rather than getting frisky with some other people who notably aren’t in this flashback. While Dolph was a wreck in both anime and manga, he seemed far more on edge in the anime version.

How Alex responds is also interesting in each version. In the manga, Alex gave him a smile which made Dolph blush before passing out. But that’s not what happened in the anime. Alex just looks at him confused and a little concerned before Dolph passes over. Dolph didn’t blush, instead he remained hostile until Alex caught him and asked for his name.

So what does this mean, besides that the manga has writing issues and it probably shouldn’t be seen as “true” canon?

Even after everything Dolph has suffered and experienced, he is still looking back on his relationship with Alex through rose tinted glasses, even though they’ve cracked they’re still rose coloured.

It’s also possible Dolph may have been given some kind of false memories ,either literally through his cyborg brain or just from Alex twisting things to get into Dolph’s head to control him further (Eden may have also messed with his head but just put a pin on that)

While it is entirely possible the anime flashback is the “false” memory , if we consider how Alex planned on using Dolph until he decided to betray him , the manga version of events seems far more palatable to get Dolph to stay loyal to Alex

Think about it, an old man picking up a barely legal teenager from a club surrendered by people in daylight is a far less creepy scenario than an old man picking up a barely legal teenager at an empty club in the dead of night

So it’s probably easier to view this manga as Dolph’s “false” and true memories conflicting with one another than the true story of what happened between Dolph and Alex

A barely conscious Dolph over hearing this conversation is likely one of the few “true” memories that exists in his head. It’s worth noting as well that people who suffer from abuse can develop issues with their memory, and Dolph was a victim of Eden abusing him from early child hood , meaning he was already mentally vulnerable when he met Alex

Speaking of Dolph’s childhood trauma, he was basically (unknowingly) sold to Eden

We actually get a very brief glance of what Dolph does remember of his mother , who is obviously not a blonde sex worker who Ramon probably visited at some point but a struggling woman who was given a difficult choice due to desperation also gotta love Eden having casual eugenics in its system

Do you think Dolph’s mother is still alive? Do you think she mourns him every time she sees his face on TV? Do you think she ever tried finding him?

NOTICE THE GLITCH ON HER FACE!? “They took everything” , he probably isn’t aware of this but I’m damn sure Eden tried erasing the very memories he has of his mother

Dolph is definitely not the first the person in Eden to undergo cybernetics enhancements. I seriously doubt Sarah became a full bodied cyborg Templar after Dolph became Captain Laserhawk, but this was likely a much more specific trail the scientists were doing.

While it could’ve been for some mysterious purpose we do not know off yet, based on limited knowledge I have atm it’s likely Dolph was one the first child soldiers Eden produced. Do make note that the scientist refers to Dolph as a test subject to be used and tamed rather than a human child and that Dolph refers to himself as property , Eden was testing ways to make children into tools to be owned

How much of these memories are “true” though is unclear, considering Dolph himself gives some confusing information

At the beginning of the manga Dolph states he was 4 when he began his training, but later on says he wouldn’t leave the facility for the next 8 years.

Meaning he would’ve been 12 when he entered the outside world

That hmmm, that seems a bit weird? Right? Like, even by Eden standards I’m sure that’s a bit young to let a armed child fight terrorists, or maybe Eden really is that messed up

…..maybe Dolph really did become a traumatised Cyborg before Sarah, damn

Still I’m going to count that as weird because I highly doubt even Eden could get people to ignore a middle schooler in their police force. Also possible Dolph just sucks at maths

Another note worthy thing is Lucy

Lucy is essentially Dolph’s childhood friend who is the daughter of one of the scientists experimenting on him. Lucy was the one who kept Dolph’s spirits up and gave him hope when he had none, and pushed him to keep going in hopes of becoming a “superhero”

A pretty damn manipulative relationship when you actually think about the fact Lucy is going to become Dolph’s boss when they’re older and Dolph has no say in the matter

The thing is, I actually don’t think Lucy was ever a real person, or at least I think much of what Dolph is remembering of her is fabricated , even more so than how he is remembering Alex

Obviously once I am able to read the full manga that point is going to be harder to believe in

But Dolph having a child hood friend who is always cheering him on no matter what? She just happens to be the scientist’s daughter and thus can visit him whenever? Lucy being such a kind and caring soul that Dolph doesn’t want to leave the facility and thus her behind? The notable lack of Dolph interacting with other children being experimented on? Dolph not knowing any kids showing symptoms of being traumatised and him and those children having conflicts because of that?

Lucy seems too good to be true

Until the part Lucy tells Dolph to shoot a kid, but Google books won’t let me read past this page so no clue what happens after

Based off of what I found on Assassins Creed wiki, Lucy was basically a double agent for the assassin to infiltrate the templars , only to decided to join the Templars for real and turn her back on the Brotherhood. Kinda interesting how Dolph’s “friend” back then had strong ties to the Assassin Creed games

Anyways before I finish this post I want to go back to Alex

Two things we learn here

Alex was the first person Dolph ever slept with

Alex set things up (a fight) to it make it easier to get Dolph to get into bed with him

So obviously Dolph was not some kinky bad boy before meeting Alex (side note but I feel a bit awkward about some jokes I’ve made about Dolph’s sexuality knowing the context of the manga now) and it was even mentioned in other pages Eden didn’t even let Dolph “have” a sexuality to speak off, basically raised to take orders. confirms my theory that “Captain Laserhawk” was for branding purposes not because Dolph actually lead a team

But also something far more important to address, Alex manipulated both Dolph and the situations that they were in order to get sexual with Dolph, a barely legal teenager with little life experience and who never had any prior experiences with that sort of relationship

Even though Dolph did consent, he had no clue what Alex was doing and was being manipulated by him

While I do think this memory is true , it does make me wonder if all of Dolph’s sexual encounters with Alex was this sweet and gentle , or if Alex pushed Dolph further into activities he may not have been comfortable with?

It’s really interesting to see that Dolph did comfort Alex sometimes rather than him being the one needing calming and that Dolph wanted a fresh slate in life. The poor guy was down bad from day one and probably would’ve shoved a wedding dress on if Alex popped out a ring

Really hilarious to see Alex get angry about Eden “fucking experimenting on kids” as if he didn’t just bang a teenage virgin young enough to be his son

There’s also an irony in seeing Alex be the revenge seeking one, though idk if that’s genuine or part of an act

Conclusion: Dolph doesn’t remember how events actually happened because people literally tempered with his brain and because he has a ton of repressed memories , Marcus Holloway probably should go back to college before continuing his therapist career and Alex is a groomer

[geddy-leesbian]

at long last, I present my headcanon about Luis's education/career timeline + why he kept working for Umbrella while knowing how fucked all of it was

First off there's enough 16 and younger high up Umbrella scientists that it's easy to just accept that shit in the RE world is just Like That and a 12 year old Luis rocking up to enroll in university just makes sense within the logic of the world, but my personal headcanon is way more expansive than that. I like to imagine him actually going to a school operated by Umbrella. The Umbrella boarding school in the Arklay Mountains was shut down, but I headcanon that it wasn't the only one. Umbrella having boarding schools for child prodigies just makes perfect sense- I mean just read a file about the Executive Training School. 

Going after/investing in younger kids is a logical thing to do because they're so much easier to manipulate and brainwash into being exactly what Umbrella wants. 

And since Umbrella Europe had that rivalry where they were always trying to compete with their sister branch, I can imagine them seeing what happened to the Executive Training School as an opportunity: Umbrella US fucked up the concept, so they can outdo them by simply running their own competently, without it completely falling apart.

Now you're probably thinking there's a hole in my headcanon, the fact that Hunnigan's report mentions Luis enrolling in university and working for Umbrella after graduating. 

My counterpoint is that Umbrella is sketchy as fuck. The whole "James Marcus being a crazy person and performing fucked up experiments on his own students" shit show happened when Luis was just a toddler. So I like to think that inspired them to get a little more cautious when it came to their fucked up child prodigy shenanigans, in time for them to have a solid system worked out by the time Luis is orphaned. And by that I mean they'd find a university to bribe into giving them cover. A new child prodigy graduates from the Umbrella school, Umbrella coughs up some cash, and suddenly that kid attended a university they never actually stepped foot in, and has a diploma with no direct ties to Umbrella. They 100% had the resources and pull to swing some type of arrangement like that. 

And Luis is literally the most perfect target for a school like this. He's not just young, he's from an extremely isolated place, making him even easier to manipulate. He also has nothing. They can single him out and crack the whip and push him harder than any of his peers, and he'll just accept it, because what else can he do?

It's Umbrella, or the streets for him.

And I think he probably caught on to the fact that he had made a deal with the devil pretty quickly after starting on the Nemesis Project, but he had made his bed and had to lie in it. Because even after he graduates/becomes a legal adult, they have him completely locked in. There's literally no paper trail or anything official supporting the fact that he's a person who exists. The only thing is the university records Umbrella paid for. Umbrella can hand over some chump change and make those go away too. He wouldn't even be able to start from scratch without a degree, because they could go after him for fraud too. Claim he showed them his degree when they hired him, but discovered it must have been a fake, because the university has no records of him. Who would the courts side with, the kid without a birth certificate, or the pharmaceutical giant that can afford an army of lawyers? It's probably not enough to be all that life ruining, but threats don't necessarily have to be true to work. With Luis's unique life, he's most likely going to be scared of any threat like that, he just doesn't have any experience or context to help him get a grip and really think about it, he's just scared shitless at the thought of going to prison.

And ending this with a point that's independent of my other headcanons in the post and can work on its own. When discussing why Luis stayed for years, we can't forget about Rockfort Island.

On the island, there is also a prison camp and an airport. The prison camp especially, represents an especially dark side of Umbrella. Potential industrial saboteurs and traitors to Umbrella are captured and sent there to be used as human guinea pigs in biological experiments. Once inside, prisoners are held there indefinitely.

(emphasis mine)

I think the common assumption is that Luis fucked off back to Valdelobos because of Raccoon City and being afraid of governments/law enforcement coming after Umbrella, but I really think it was actually Umbrella he was running from. Umbrella would have seemed untouchable at this point, they had the blessing of the government to do what they did in Raccoon City, I doubt anyone there genuinely thought there would ever be legal consequences for any of that. Legal consequences were maybe a far-off possibility that wasn't guaranteed, while Umbrella was very much a real, present, active danger.

But if he got to a point where he couldn't handle the guilt of what he was doing anymore, his options were to disappear completely, or risk being captured and taken to a concentration camp. (Even just resigning normally, without taking any actions against Umbrella, would leave him terrified. A well-liked rising star like him just suddenly resigning, and offering no explanation, likely would have seemed suspicious, and given that Rockfort inmates were a resource for experiments, I can't imagine the bar for what makes someone a "traitor to Umbrella" is very high.)

[demonfamilytherapist]

No Rival

A/N: I wanted to write something with Duck to get back into practice and it ended up being waaaaay longer than I thought it was going to be. Also ended up being a Lucifer and Duck getting together fic.

Summary: After Diavolo’s confession, Duck returns to Serenity Manor to find their demons in crisis.

Mentions/warnings: Duck is she/they, discussions of relationship issues, not much else I can think of?, Duck is poly with the bros

Previous Duck and Lucifer fics for context: Pact, Drunken Night

———

Duck looked between the three demons in her room.

Satan, Asmo, and Belphie. Satan and Asmo regularly hung out with her together, and Satan and Belphie too for the Anti-Lucifer League. Even Asmo and Belphie, though rarer, would stay over, Asmo doing Belphie’s hair while he slept.

All three of them together? Duck couldn’t remember this particular combination before. Nor any reason why they wouldn’t meet her eyes.

Duck cleared their throat, waiting for an explanation about why they’d been ambushed the second they got home from talking to Diavolo. It wasn’t that strange for the brothers to want to spend time with them, but when they knew Duck would be tired, they usually didn’t barge in for no good reason.

Usually.

“We need to discuss something,” Satan began, then immediately winced.

“Nothing too big a deal!” Asmo rushed to add, shooting Satan a sharp look.

“It’s about the others,” Belphie finished, resting his chin against the back of Duck’s chair.

Duck let her heart beat come down for a moment, frowning at Satan for the phrase (or a variation) she hated more than anything.

“Okay,” they sighed, dropping off their bag in the corner and settling on their bed beside Asmo. “What’s going on?”

“It’s also about Lord Diavolo,” Satan explained, and now Duck winced. Belphie snorted.

“It’s been obvious to everyone - most obvious to me, but now even Mammon’s noticed it - that Lord Diavolo has an interest in you,” Asmo said in a rush, taking Duck’s hands in his own. His sunset eyes were urgent, and Duck groaned. It had literally just happened, how did they know so quickly?

“Yeah, I know. But I don’t-”

“We know you don’t.”

Belphie spoke up, sounding about a second away from sleep. He gave her a lazy grin. “You have better taste.”

“Regardless, that’s not the issue.” Satan leaned against the table, crossing his arms. “We know that there is no reason to be concerned with Lord Diavolo as far as our relationship goes.”

“But Mammon and Levi threw a fit! I thought Levi was going to summon Lotan to the human world!” Asmo ended up bouncing on the bed as he threw his arms around to make his point. “Even Lucifer seems upset!”

“That… makes sense, actually,” Duck muttered, thinking back to all the times Lucifer had interrupted Diavolo’s attempts to get her alone. “What about Beel?”

“Beel’s worried because Lucifer’s worried,” Belphie said, frowning. “And he’s worried you’ll get annoyed with his eating.”

“If I was going to, I already would have.” Duck shook their head, feeling the weight of the brothers’ gazes. “So, you want me to go fix things up?”

“We don’t want to put this sort of pressure on you,” Satan said, sounding genuinely apologetic. “But they won’t listen to us. Mammon’s going to bankrupt himself if he stays this upset.”

Duck rested their head against Asmo’s shoulder and sighed. He pressed a kiss against their hair.

“Mammon and Levi get insecure with you. They’re still getting used to… this,” Asmo waved his hand, seeming to encompass Duck and the House of Lamentation and Serenity Manor. “And with everything that happened last year, I think they’re especially worried that you might decide to go somewhere… easier.”

“But you know otherwise?” Duck asked. She suddenly felt a weight against her back as Belphie squished himself against her. Duck reached out a hand for Satan to take - not one to join a cuddle pile, he took it with a smile and squeezed.

“You’ve proven your feelings beyond a shadow of a doubt,” Satan assured, pressing a kiss to their palm.

“There’s no one better than me, and if you can get my brothers in the deal, then why would you ever choose anyone else?” Asmo winked, tugging Duck closer - and Belphie along with her.

“If you wanted to leave, you would’ve gone by now,” Belphie mumbled, echoing her earlier words. “Besides, there’s no way you leave us for Lord Diavolo of all people.”

“Belphie,” Satan warned without any heat.

“I just meant Duck wouldn’t want to be royalty,” Belphie said innocently. Duck scoffed and began to disentangle herself. Satan pulled her out of the pile.

“I’ll get to it. But I expect someone to take my breakfast duty tomorrow.”

“Happily. I’ll make some human world food for us to share, okay?” Satan wrapped his arms around Duck’s waist, a hug so quick they couldn’t respond before it was over. Satan still wasn’t used to expressing affection in front of others.

“I’ll help!” Asmo got up, leaving Belphie to slump over on Duck’s bed without any support. “I’ll get some sweet pastries. I’ve heard there’s a lot of options in the human world!”

“I’ll supervise,” Belphie mumbled.

“I’ll look forward to it.” Duck smiled, already deciding on her plan of attack. “Hopefully, everything will be back to normal by then.”

———

Duck’s first stop was the gym. It was often where Beel went when he was stressed - that or the kitchen - and since Belphie had said he was upset, this was their best bet.

As expected, Beel was benching weights with his eyebrows furrowed. Duck took a moment to look him over - the white tank top pulling up to show his stomach, the way his muscles moved beneath his skin, his eyes staring off into the distance despite carrying such a heavy weight. They waited until he’d finished his set and put the bar down before they knocked.

Beel startled, face flushing red as soon as he saw her.

Duck strode over and made herself at home on Beel’s lap. Beel quickly leaned away - not to put distance between them, but to put them face to face despite the difference in their height. He was considerate like that.

“Um, hi.” Beel blinked, still slightly looking down on them. “Is there something you needed?”

“Sort of,” Duck agreed, resting her hands on his chest. “I need to check in with you. Belphie said you were upset.”

Beel flushed again, and this time looked away. One hand was resting on her hip to steady her, and Duck felt him worrying at her shirt.

“I heard… that Lord Diavolo likes you a lot.”

“Mhm,” Duck agreed, waiting for him to go on.

Beel swallowed heavily and continued. “I, um, I know that it’s not always easy for you here. In the House.”

“You boys certainly keep me on my toes,” Duck agreed. They tapped on Beel’s face until he turned to face them. “I’m not gonna draw this out. I’m not leaving, Beel. I’m staying right where I am, with you and your brothers.”

“Lord Diavolo,” Beel began, then paused. “Lord Diavolo likes you a lot. And Barbatos would cook for you everyday.”

“Do you want me to go, Beel?” Duck asked, a little bewildered about how he was selling the prospect.

“No!” Beel insisted, sitting up enough to jolt her. He quickly stilled and helped her regain her balance. “But I… I don’t want you to have any regrets about staying here, either.”

“I don’t regret it, Beel.” Duck made sure to meet his eyes, let him see the truth in her. “I want to stay here. And nothing is going to convince me to leave.”

Beel relaxed for the first time since they’d entered. Duck sighed and rested their head against his chest.

“I know you and the others got worried, but it’s true. This is what I want. Not some fancy castle or royal title.”

Beel finally held her properly, pulling her closer and cradling her head.

“I’m glad. I don’t want you to go away.”

“Same here.” Duck allowed themselves a moment more to rest against Beel, but forced themselves to pull away. “But I do have to go right now to do my rounds. What do you say to a snack afterwards though?”

Beel smiled and helped her up.

“Thank you, Duck. I’ll wait downstairs.” He wrung his hands together, shoulders hunched in a way that belied his size. “Good luck with everyone else.”

“Thankfully, not all of you need talking to.” Duck pulled Beel down by his shirt into a quick kiss. “I’ll see you downstairs.”

———

Levi didn’t even respond to her knock, but his door opened easily. That, at least, was a good sign. At his most upset, Levi would curse his door not to open.

Henry swam placidly in his desk, acknowledging Duck’s entrance with a few bubbles. Levi himself was harder to find, but eventually Duck realised that the pile of pillows and plush toys in Levi’s bed was lumpier than usual.

“Hey, Levi.” The pile twitched. “Can I come in?”

There was no response, and Duck knew better than to take that as an invitation. Instead, they settled beside the tub, about where Levi’s head would be. They trailed a hand over the sea of soft, comforting things Levi had collected, letting him see where they were.

“Beel seems to think I’ll leave for Barbatos’ cooking. I imagine Mammon is thinking about how rich Diavolo is,” Duck mused, resting her cheek against the tub’s edge. “What about you, Levi? What do you think Diavolo has that I want?”

The pile shifted until Levi’s head breached the surface, facing away from Duck but leaning against the wall of the tub where she sat. A glance at his reflection in Henry’s tank revealed a deep frown, but she couldn’t tell if his eyes were squinted in anger or holding back tears.

“He is rich,” Levi mumbled. “You’d be able to buy any merch you want.”

“You’re the collector here, Levi,” Duck returned, leaning forward to rest their chin in his shoulder. “I said what he’d have that I want.”

Levi frowned again, but more pensive than upset this time. “You do usually just get a few little mementos… Well, he’s also a super cool and popular prince.”

“Mhm,” Duck prodded, letting her hands slowly creep around Levi’s shoulders.

“But… you don’t like big parties anyway, and it’s not like you want to be royalty.” The pile shifted again, and Duck realised she’d totally missed Levi was in his demon form - his tail pushed aside pillows and cushions to eventually find her arm. “He’s also really handsome.”

“Handsome?” Duck laughed. “Should I be the jealous one here, Levi?”

“D-don’t deny it!” Levi finally faced them, his cheeks bright red. Duck smiled patiently until he sighed, tail twisting in the air. “S-so… he really has nothing you’d want?”

“I’m glad you could figure that out on your own, with just a little push.” Duck pressed a light kiss against his cheek, and Levi yelped and sunk further into the bath again. “I know it’s tough for you Levi, but it makes me feel hurt when you doubt my feelings. I know you have trouble with your own confidence, but I know what I want.”

“I-I know,” Levi agreed, his tail settling and curling around her wrist. “I’m sorry. I don’t- it’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just-”

“I wish you could see yourself how I see you, Levi,” Duck finished for him, cutting him off when they spied the beginnings of a self-loathing spiral. “But until then, I’ll be here to remind you. I love you, and no amount of anime merch or popularity is gonna change that.”

Levi surged forward, plush toys flying through the air, and Duck found themselves half-dragged into the tub. Levi’s tail cushioned them, stopped the edge of the porcelain from digging in.

They stayed like that, in silence, until Duck eventually wiggled away. Levi helped lower them back onto the ground.

“I’d love to stay longer, but I’ve still got one more visit to make before bed,” she said, a shrug and a smile she hoped conveyed that she really did want to stay longer. “I did offer to grab a snack with Beel though, if you want to join?”

Levi forced a smile - but at least it wasn’t entirely fake. “I-it’s okay. I’ll, um, see you down there?”

“Of course.” Duck pressed one last kiss to his hair, and headed across the hall.

———

“Mammon.”

“Nuh-uh! Not a chance.”

“Mammon, you know I can kick down doors, right?”

“No way! And if you do, I’m coming to you for the repair bill!”

Duck groaned and muttered a word that rhymed with her name.

Kicking down the door was an option… but she’d prefer not to take such a drastic measure, especially since Mammon was already in a heightened state. She also wasn’t entirely sure how that’d effect the portal between Serenity Manor and Mammon’s room in the demon world.

When Mammon doubted their relationship, he got upset. When Mammon got upset, he could get nasty - and while he wasn’t quite at the worst Duck had seen him at before, he was still defensive, putting every barrier he could between them.

“I guess I’ll just sit out here until your package from Akuzon arrives and you have to open the door.” Duck, as good as their word, sat in front of Mammon’s locked door.

“Not this time! Akuzon akudrone delivery! It’s coming in through the window!”

Thunk.

Duck’s head hit Mammon’s door as she groaned. She was seriously starting to feel the weight of the day, and she didn’t want to waste time arguing with Mammon.

“C’mon, Mammon, you know I don’t like using the pact for shit like this.”

Duck rested their eyes shut, trying to breathe deep. It was hard not to get annoyed at Diavolo for kickstarting this, even if he hadn’t meant to. At this rate, Duck might have to travel to the Devildom via someone’s room and climb up to the window, or really use the pact.

Duck was still thinking when the door swung open and they fell straight onto their back.

Mammon cursed and half-dragged, half-carried her through the doorway by her collar, dropping her to the floor again once he could shut his door.

As soon as she was in, Mammon stormed over to his couch and sat there, facing away from her.

Duck shook off the last of their daze and stood, following Mammon.

“Mammon, c’mon. I already talked to Beel and Levi. I saved you for last because I was hoping you’d know me better.”

Mammon huffed and pulled his jacket closer around him.

When Duck tried to sit down beside him, he shuffled away - when they tried to move into his line of sight, he twisted and turned.

With a sigh, Duck moved in front of him and, before he could react, folding their legs beneath them. They rested their arms on his knees, forcing him to stay where he was - or drag them along for the ride.

At this angle, she could see through his crossed arms and sunglasses to his eyes, which widened as he finally met hers.

“Wh- what the hell are ya doing?” Mammon stuttered, blushing and trying to avoid their gaze. “I didn’t even want you in here. Ya should be grateful I let you get so close, and not push your luck!”

“Mammon, have I not been paying enough attention to you?” Duck asked.

Mammon froze. “Wh-”

“This whole kind of relationship is new to me, too.” Duck rested her chin against Mammon’s leg, looking up at him through her lashes. “I’m trying my best to make sure I give you all enough attention. But sometimes I’m not sure how it’s going. Was I neglecting you?”

“N- that’s not the point, human!” Mammon burst out, and Duck felt a little bad about drawing the attention to herself and not Mammon. But she had to get him talking somehow. “The problem is - is the one demon in the Devildom who could take you away is making his move!”

“Mammon,” Duck began slowly, carefully lifting herself onto the couch. “What do you mean, take me away?”

Mammon flushed and turned away, but there was no chance Duck was letting this go. They threw their arms and legs around his back, clinging on like a koala while Mammon sputtered.

“I’m not a bag, Mammon. Someone can’t just pick me up and carry me out.”

Mammon stood up, gripping Duck’s legs to keep her upright as she shrieked. “I beg to differ.”

Duck smacked his shoulder - but their wide grin matched Mammon’s, who gave a twirl before dropping them both back onto the couch. This time he faced Duck, and the smile dropped.

“It’s just… my brothers are one thing, but Lord Diavolo is something else. He could sweep you away to the castle for all sorts of fancy stuff. Or change it so you stayed at the castle instead of the House. Or even if you just liked him, it would split your time away from us…”

Ah.

Mammon wasn’t mad. He was scared - acting out because if he pushed them away, maybe it would hurt less if Diavolo really changed things up.

“I don’t like him, though.” After a moment of consideration, Duck added: “Not like that, at least.”

“Good!” Mammon pulled them closer by the front of their shirt, arms wrapping around them and keeping them firmly to his chest. They couldn’t see his face. “You haven’t been neglecting me or whatever. I… I’m still getting used to this whole thing, but I ain’t upset about it or mad at you. I know ya…” Mammon cleared his throat. “I know ya love us all. I just… I don’t wanna compete with the Demon Prince, y’know?”

“Well, good thing for you it’s not a competition.” Duck managed to wiggle her head out enough to press a kiss to Mammon’s neck - his shout was reward enough. “Like anyone could take me away from the Great Mammon.”

Mammon rolled back, pulling Duck with him as she laughed until they were lying, face to face, on the couch. Mammon’s cheeks were stilled flushed, his dark skin tinged darker, but he managed to meet their eyes.

“I love you,” Mammon whispered, as if he couldn’t quite believe it himself. Duck wasn’t sure who moved first but their foreheads pressed together, her eyes slipping shut as she felt rested for the first time that night.

Mammon shook her back up.

“Hate to do this to ya,” Mammon said, and Duck believed it by the way his hands lingered on her back, the slow motion of him sitting up. “But you do have one more stop to make.”

Duck groaned and flopped back down. “Lucifer and I aren’t-”

“I won’t pretend I get what’s going on with you and him.” Mammon shifted, and Duck thought that of all his brothers, Mammon probably had the best understanding of it. “But he’s been worried too, in that Lucifer way that means he’s gonna be an ass to everyone even more than he normally is. He ain’t gonna listen to me, so…”

Mammon looked at her with blue and gold eyes, bright and beautiful as the sky in the human world. Duck would, unfortunately, do anything for those eyes.

“Fine.” Duck reached for Mammon, who pulled them up without any of his usual complaining. “But we’re meeting downstairs in a bit for snacks, so come grab me after a bit. You’re my escape route.”

“I’ll grab you after I get the best pick of the food.” Mammon walked Duck to his door. He paused, but pressed a blinding fast kiss to their forehead. “I gotta cancel some online orders first. Good luck.”

“I’ll need it.”

———

Duck made a beeline for Lucifer’s office, all the while thinking of what to say.

Duck knew her demons well by now. They knew that she and Lucifer were a point of contention. They knew it was awkward to be dating six of the seven brothers, especially when the bulk of that relationship took place within the walls they all shared.

The entrance to Lucifer’s office in Serenity Manor was too close. Before they could sort out their head, they were in the library.

She wanted to wait, think about what to say, but the door opened before she was halfway there.

“Come in,” Lucifer called.

The sound of pen against parchment filled Duck’s ears as she entered, taking in the room. The record player was spinning, but not playing - a sign Lucifer had stopped the music just before she entered, the record actually cursed instead of just rumoured to be. Lucifer himself seemed perfectly normal - for him, anyway - but Duck noticed the way is eyes followed her from where he sat.

The door closed behind them.

Picking up the pace, trying to make up for their earlier hesitation, Duck rounded the desk and perched on the edge, beside Lucifer. He looked up at them with a raised brow, putting his parchmentwork to the side.

“To what do I owe the pleasure this evening?” Lucifer asked, turning his chair towards them.

“I think you can make a good guess,” Duck replied. It was nice getting to look down on Lucifer for once, so of course he had to ruin it by standing.

“I’m aware you’ve been talking to my brothers,” Lucifer said, and Duck had long stopped asking how he knew everything that happened in the House. “I appreciate you taking the time to clear the matter up. I hope you know their feelings do not reflect on any action or lack of your own, of course. It is Mammon and Levi’s nature to overreact to such things.”

“Thank you,” Duck said, craning her neck to look up at him. Lucifer took a step back and moved towards the cabinet, removing the record from the player. “Belphie seems to think Beel was upset because you were upset.”

Lucifer scoffed, but the sound was a little too forced. Had Duck gotten particularly good at reading him, or was he letting them figure it out? Giving little signs he knew they’d pick up on?

“And why would I be upset?” Lucifer asked, returning with two glasses. He handed her the one filled with fruit juice from the human world, something he’d starting stocking in his office last year.

“Why would you?” Duck asked, but it was more of a sigh and Lucifer eyed them warily as they drank.

“You look tired.”

“I am tired.”

Suddenly, the weight of the last few days - rejecting Diavolo, Barbatos’ too-knowing look, the sorcerer’s trials, settling things with the brothers, even the fun at the park - had caught up to them. Lucifer had returned to their side - hovering, really - and with the thought of to hell with it, Duck threw their arms around him and rested their head against the silky fabric of his vest.

Sudden physical contact always made the pact surge - she’d gotten used to it with everyone but Lucifer, whose touch was rarer and whose reactions were stronger.

Duck took a moment to breathe in the feeling of soaring as Lucifer’s strength rose in her, borrowing just enough to stave off the headache developing behind her eyes.

It was only then that Lucifer managed to recover, his arms wrapping around them but pushing them back, guiding them to the couch where he sat them both down.

“You didn’t hear any of that record, did you?” Lucifer asked, checking over them. His red eyes were almost black now that he faced away from the fire. “It really is dangerous to humans, that one. I hadn’t listened to it since you arrived…”

“Then why listen to it now?” Duck asked. She really did feel better after drawing on the pact, but she was still tired. Tired of the anxious energy in the house, tired of thinking through everything she said with everyone together, tired of never knowing how far to push.

“Because I…” Lucifer looked away. It was almost the sort of vulnerability that Duck craved from him.

“Because you thought I wouldn’t come.” Duck couldn’t blame him, seeing as they hadn’t originally planned to. But that was part of the problem, wasn’t it? Duck had their reasons for not being with Lucifer. Reasons that nobody questioned or pushed them on. Reasons they weren’t sure anyone really understood. “Did you think I wouldn’t come to you, or did you think I’d be in the castle?”

Lucifer cleared his throat. “I… I did not think you would be in the castle, seeing as everyone is now in the human world for the term.”

“So you thought I’d be at his hotel…?”

“No,” Lucifer admitted. He still hadn’t let go of her. “Honestly, I had hoped Mammon and Levi would occupy more of your time. It seems you’ve gotten quite good at… at supporting them.”

“I’ve had lots of practice,” Duck joked, but Lucifer only winced. He squeezed their shoulders and seemed ready to pull away, but Duck placed their hands over his and tried to meet his eyes. “Lucifer, please. What’s going on in that head of yours? Help me understand.”

Lucifer froze, lips parted and eyes wide, and Duck would’ve laughed at such a naked expression of shock if they weren’t so desperate to- to know what words to say, to know what to do that would finally bridge the gap between them.

“I- You do not need to-” But whatever Lucifer saw in Duck’s expression in that moment froze him again, and Duck was mortified at the tears she felt rising against her will.

Every time, every time with Lucifer - the walls, the deflections, the romantic lines that were honest, but so rarely open - loving, but so rarely willing to be loved. Duck sort of wanted to scream. After everything, did he not trust her? Not respect her? Did she even have the right to expect that of him?

Of course, crying in front of Lucifer wouldn’t help their case.

“Please, Lucifer,” they repeated, and Lucifer swallowed.

“I-” and Lucifer paused again, this time seeming to gather his thoughts - his gaze distant, but not hiding the furrow to his brow. “Last year, when my memories were gone…”

Duck nodded, encouraging him to continue, any tears drying with their attention on Lucifer’s words. It wasn’t the start they’d expected to his words, but Lucifer could take his time if he was being honest.

“It was freeing. I had no memories of my relationships of course, but the feelings were there. I loved my brothers and felt frustrated that I couldn’t calm their worries. And you- when I woke up, and saw you-” Lucifer cupped her cheek, his touch oh so gentle - gaze almost awed. “I knew immediately that you were important to me. When you were vague about our relationship, it hurt - but I felt free to pursue you, to try and win your favour. I couldn’t believe my past self had made so many mistakes with you.”

Duck opened her mouth to protest, but the same hand that cupped her cheek lightly covered her mouth - she got the message. Lucifer was having a hard enough time speaking about this as it was, and any interruptions might stop him.

“And then that night, the dagger…” They both shuddered. Lucifer reached for their other hand and Duck gave it, letting him trace the ring of light on their finger. “I thought that I could protect you and my brothers. I couldn’t remember any of my other responsibilities, only that - that I would do anything for you all to be safe. I didn’t really think myself… necessary to the dynamic.”

Duck didn’t speak, but she made her protest with that thought clear the only way she could think of - biting Lucifer’s hand. He laughed, but it faded quickly.

“And then the dagger rested over your heart,” Lucifer murmured, his gaze fixed to the spot where it had been. “And then the ring, and you collapsed. I regained my memories but I’d thought - I nearly lost you, and as my memories returned, I recalled all the other times you’d nearly gone beyond my reach.”

“I’m here,” Duck said, breaking their silence - but Lucifer didn’t shut down again, only tucked a strand of hair behind their ear.

“I know. And before my eyes you were building your relationship with each of my brothers, forging your connection with them, and each time I sat on the outside - it seemed with my memories, we could barely interact without clashing, that once more I couldn’t see my place with you.”

Lucifer took a deep breath. “My fear is not that Lord Diavolo himself will take you away, as you have made your feelings clear and I do not think he would disrespect such a direct response. My fear is that I have no place by your side, and that my own failings will eventually become too much for you to bare, and you will be forced to leave to maintain your own comfort - and either my lack causes my brothers to lose the best person that has come into our lives in millennia, or I will be left behind. Lord Diavolo’s feelings simply were a… focal point for those fears.”

As much as Duck flushed at the best person comment, they fixed on the rest of it. “Lucifer, that’s insane! Your brothers aren’t going to leave. I’m not going to leave. No one’s leaving this- our family.”

“I did not say these fears were rational,” Lucifer returned, though he was as off guard as Duck had ever seen him. “Isn’t it said that humans fear the unknown? Perhaps that is true for demons too. I fear all that I do not know. I do not know the future. I do not know if Lord Diavolo will pursue you further. I do not know if - I do not know what words can express my love for you, nor what I can do to… to make you want to open your heart to me.”

Duck sighed and lay her head against Lucifer again, trying to take a moment to gather her thoughts. Lucifer let her, one hand coming to rest against her hair, gently smoothing it out.

It was tempting to tell him he was an idiot and leave - reassure him of his place with his brothers, with Duck, and deal with the rest of it some other day. The problem was they’d both been leaving things for some other day for a while now. Since the moment they’d made the pact, really.

“Do you remember when you came home drunk last year?”

Lucifer’s grip on Duck tightened, which they took as a yes.

“I trust you would’ve mentioned before now if I did anything particularly… concerning,” Lucifer began, and Duck can’t stop a quiet snort of laughter.

“Not at all. In fact, you were very sweet.”

Lucifer groaned. Duck felt the reverberations through his chest.

“I sort of guessed you wouldn’t remember much,” Duck continued. Lucifer had taken to playing with their hair. Duck didn’t like their hair touched normally - too many people had tugged it, mussed it, or otherwise annoyed them - but Lucifer was careful, and it felt nice. “But you said some… interesting things.”

“Interesting,” Lucifer muttered. He shifted back so they could look each other in the eyes, but did not relinquish his grip on their shoulders.

“Revealing,” Duck clarified, and wondered if she was being cruel, to keep him in suspense. It wasn’t intentional. What to say, how much to say, what she even wanted out of tonight - she was still making it all up on the fly.

Lucifer was reading their face carefully, but didn’t see any tricks or anger. “I can’t imagine I said anything drunk I would not be willing to say sober. I love you, and I will repeat that fact as often or as little as you prefer.”

“I love you, too.”

Air hissed through Lucifer’s teeth and Duck would’ve thought she’d hit him. Why? It wasn’t the first time she’d said so. Maybe it was the quiet, or the study, or the strange honesty that had overtaken them both.

“You say that, but… I want to understand,” Lucifer said slowly, picking his words. “I will not argue with you. I love you. You love me. Then… why…?”

“Why aren’t we together?” Duck guessed.

Lucifer nodded gravely. “I admit, I had assumed your feelings for me simply didn’t… match mine for you. That I had misread certain signs. I didn’t doubt your love, exactly,” Lucifer hurried to add when Duck failed to hide their surprise, “just the nature of it. Your love could have been strictly platonic or familial. And love is quite separate from like. Both are needed for a proper relationship.”

“I have loved you for a while, Lucifer,” Duck said, and knew what he was thinking - of their other conversation in the study, the pact, the kiss, the leaving. “It is not a lack of love that’s the issue. And for the record, I like you, too.”

“Then tell me what is,” Lucifer whispered, his fingers trembling against their back. “Please, allow me to understand.”

“That night when you were drunk,” Duck began, “we had pretty much the same conversation.”

Lucifer listened intently, though Duck felt strangely free under his gaze.

“You asked why I didn’t let you so close. I stand by my answer then, but I think things have changed a bit, too.

“I do love you. And I believe you love me. But you don’t… I’ve never really felt like you trusted me.”

“Of course I trust you,” Lucifer said, and it almost sounded harsh - but Duck could read Lucifer’s tone pretty well now, and knew it was only him trying to be firm.

“I think you think you do,” Duck continued, and Lucifer frowned. “But you don’t- ugh, I feel like I’m repeating myself from then.”

“Then repeat yourself. I’ll remember this time.”

“Love isn’t the issue. The issue is I can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t view me as an equal.”

Lucifer shifted, a rare sight where he was so visibly uncomfortable. “Well…”

“Not your equal in power, or authority,” Duck explained. “Your equal in a relationship.”

“When have I not treated you as an equal?” Lucifer asked in that same tone, bordering on harsh and demanding. He paused, looked away. “After our pact, that is.”

“I’m not holding a grudge over anything before that.” Duck tried for a smile. It fell flat. “How about immediately after the pact, when you told me how I always wanted to kiss you?”

Lucifer flushed. “I truly am sorry for that.”

“I know. And how about when you tried to throw away the gift Mammon got for me?”

“It was cursed!” Lucifer protested. Duck stared at him. “I… did not think it was of great importance.”

“I did appreciate one thing from the carnival,” Duck offered, and Lucifer immediately perked up in a way she wanted to describe as cute. “On the Ferris wheel… when you told me about your worries, with Diavolo and Solomon.”

Duck paused as she watched Lucifer think. His brow furrowed, his mind working behind those dark eyes, until he turned towards her with a frown.

“I might’ve guessed from some of my brothers… you prefer someone who needs you to solve their problems?”

Now Lucifer was looking to hurt, and Duck’s ire rose with his. It would be so, so easy to growl and snarl back, to storm out, even to throw Lucifer’s pride back in his face. I thought you said you wouldn’t argue.

Instead, Duck stood up and paused - just long enough to see Lucifer’s scowl break into an expression of regret, just long enough to kneel on the couch and force them at eye level. Duck gripped Lucifer’s face with both hands, making sure he was looking at them.

“I cannot be in a relationship with someone,” they said slowly, enunciating each word, “who sees me as someone to give orders to. I am not one of your brothers. I’m not even an exchange student right now. You have no responsibility or authority over me.”

Lucifer understood, Duck could see, and wasn’t surprised by that. Their pride lay at the heart of that issue, and pride was what Lucifer knew well.

“I also,” Duck continued, “can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t go to me for help, or only goes to me for help as a last resort. I can’t be together with someone who will hide when they’re upset until it bubbles up and they lash out - and it does happen, don’t argue with me - and I can’t be with someone who sees me as a task to tick off instead of a partner.”

Duck didn’t realise how much force they’d been putting into their words until they found their chest heaving. They cleared their throat as they recovered, slowly loosening their grip on Lucifer’s cheeks. Lucifer’s expression was as blank as they’d ever seen it. They sat back and tried to figure out exactly what they’d just said.

“I don’t see you as a task,” Lucifer murmured, but their was no real force behind it. He didn’t seem to be quite meeting their eye, his gaze unfocused.

“Maybe not a task,” Duck allowed. “But a responsibility. Something to be taken care of, not… not relied on.” Duck swallowed. Was it hubris, to even expect Lucifer to rely on them at all? They were only a human, magic or no, at the end of the day. Lucifer was ancient, more powerful than most beings could even dream of being. They couldn’t exactly argue with his viewpoint, but they couldn’t accept it either.

“You are always looking out for, and after, my brothers.” Lucifer’s hand found hers and he tugged until their eyes met again. “I wouldn’t… I don’t want to be another burden to you, when you have already…”

Duck shook her head and Lucifer trailed off.

“Do you think I see your brothers as burdens?”

Lucifer sighed. “Burdens no, but you cannot deny how tired you become. Tonight being an excellent example.” Duck gave him a shrug. “I don’t… I dislike the idea of being a source of pain for you. But it seems I’m too late on that,” Lucifer added ruefully.

“It’d be a whole lot easier if we just figured out how to talk straight to each other.” Duck squirmed on the couch until she let her feet back down onto the floor, sitting more naturally. “I’m not trying to say I’m perfect here, but I… I need to… I need to know, without question, that if you were suffering, or struggling, that you’d let me help. Even if it was something you couldn’t talk about because royal business or whatever, just letting me know you need the extra support. Something.”

“You are perfect for us,” Lucifer whispered, leaning forward until their foreheads pressed together. “Nothing else matters for me. And… I think I understand.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

Duck couldn’t quite look Lucifer in the eye. All of a sudden it seemed absurd - what could she do for someone like him? Sorcerous power or not, she’d caused just as much trouble to Lucifer as anything she could fix.

Lucifer nudged them until they looked back at him.

“If I agree to… try,” he stumbled over the word, “and express any concerns to you more often, does that mean we…?”

“I mean… I guess?”

“You guess?” Lucifer frowned. “I’m going to need a clearer answer than that, Duck.”

“See, that’s what I mean! You told me what you needed.” It was a weak joke, but it at least made Lucifer roll his eyes. “I mean, yes. If you allow me to be your partner, then yes, we can be… together. If you want.”

“I believe,” Lucifer whispered, and suddenly Duck was pulled tightly against him, their hands coming up to rest on his chest. “I have made what I want quite clear.”

The room was still, only the fire crackling in the fireplace offering sound or movement. Lucifer drew in a deep breath. One gloved hand brushed over their lips.

“May I…?”

Duck nodded.

Their lips met, Lucifer trying to pull them impossibly closer - Duck tangled one hand in his hair, the other trailing along his neck, shoulder, back.

Lucifer shifted again until Duck was sitting on his lap, and when Duck pressed him back he leaned against the couch. Duck raising herself up to straddle him. They broke apart, briefly, and while Duck was expecting the hungry look in his eyes - she wasn’t prepared for his gentleness, the soft, relaxed, fond set of his smile.

“I love you,” he said again.

“Oh shit!”

Duck startled, and while they didn’t fly apart Lucifer had to grip her hips to steady her.

Both Duck and Lucifer turned to the door to find Mammon, who wilted under their combined gazes.

“Um, food’s ready.” Mammon gestured vaguely downstairs. “Just a quick snack so. Get it while you can.”

“Mammon,” Lucifer growled.

“We’ll be a minute,” Duck said.

Mammon was out in a flash, and Duck sighed, already imagining the chaos they’d be walking into downstairs.

“A minute?”

“Yes, a minute, you horndog.”

Lucifer scowled at the term but, notably, didn’t argue. He did press another kiss to Duck’s jaw, then worked his way to her cheek.

“Lucifer.”

“I’ve waited a long time to do this,” he said simply, but gave her a break.

“We’ve got time later,” Duck teased. “When I’m not so tired.”

“Indeed, it’s been quite the day for you, hasn’t it?” Lucifer smiled in a way that instantly made Duck suspicious. “Shall I carry you downstairs?”

“Don’t even try it.”

But his arm already swept under her knees, the other supporting her back as he rose to his feet.

“Lucifer!”

“I do so love to hear you say my name.” Lucifer didn’t respond at all to Duck’s heels digging into his side, or their attempts to push themselves away.

“I’ll bite!” Duck paused for a moment and considered that might encourage him. “I’ll use the pact!”

At the door, Lucifer spun them to the ground, keeping his hold on Duck as they regained their balance. He hadn’t stopped grinning the whole time.

“I adore you,” Lucifer said simply, pulling her close again.

“And I think you’re wonderful,” Duck agreed, but pulled him forward. “Now can we please go before your brothers send a search party?”

Hand in hand, they descended the stairs of Serenity Manor.

[drill-teeth-art]

I had a few gripes about some episodes/things that I felt could've been done better. Can I ask for your critiques?

Welcome to Otto's Critique corner. Here are my guidelines for discussing critique with me for everyone's reference.

Repeat after me.

It's okay if we disagree on the flaws of Earthspark. Other people will have different opinions and preferences. Just because someone disagrees with me doesn't make them a bad person. (This is something I spent some time learning and understanding when I was younger, so I always like to add it as one of my rules.)

We will not use this critique space as a platform to be rude to others. We may point out flaws in others' arguments and note where we disagree, but this is a space of discussion and not harassment.

If we feel too worked up by the topics, we will step back. We are responsible for our mental health and emotions. We are capable of stopping ourselves from lashing out at others, so we will be mindful of our emotions.

Onto the main critiques under the cut. Feel free to ask me to expand on certain things as you like.

More of a technical writing issue, but I think the action scenes are written ineffectively. They all feel very slow paced. It comes across as when characters are not in frame, they aren't doing anything. It takes way too long to accomplish things for this reason that would resolve the conflict faster. The characters also actively choose to not do the obvious solution for plot reasons. So for people who write action scenes and such, this is stuff to watch out for. Your characters can do things when they're not in frame, you just have to imply it well enough. Writing conflict is more believable when you write in reasons why they can't do an easier solution. Like the terrans and Bumblebee literally could have gone to get Optimus and Megatron before going back to get Grimlock. If I remember right, one of the characters even suggested it. But they just didn't do it. The obvious plot patch is to have their radios be broken or Optimus and Megatron don't answer and they don't want to leave Grimlock alone too long. But that isn't addressed, and that can read very frustrating to the viewer that the characters ignore the obvious solutions.

Onto the thematic critiques. Now to be fair, this story is incomplete as of now. I try to avoid fully critiquing something that lacks it's full context, but here are my thoughts on what I see so far. To begin, I am a fan of nuanced writing. I love villain redemptions done well and hero corruptions written well. It's important to show that people can change for the better and that good intentions don't justify certain actions. These are pretty easy to mess up writing though, and since I think it's such an important thing to write well, I tend to be harsher critiquing it. Again, it is okay if you disagree with my analysis or agree but want to add a point or agree with most but want to point out a detail I missed or even my own bias. Discussion is good.

Thematically, I think Earthspark shies away from confronting it's own major themes too much. Earthspark has heavy themes around oppression, alienation, trauma of the past haunting the present, and discovering that many people treat others they don't understand cruelly and choose not to understand them. These are very heavy themes, and (assuming the best intentions) I think the writers aren't bold enough about them. As a smaller in world example, Robby encounters his old friend who has biases against Transformers and repeats harmful talking points. Robby doesn't really say all that much about it, choosing to just take his terran siblings and leave. Now, this writing choice I don't have a huge issue with. It's not one person's responsibility to do the educating to someone about their bias. I would have personally liked to see the writers let Robby get angrier, but I don't mind the "I don't have the energy to explain this to you and it's not my job" approach in this instance. Later Robby's friend fixes the graffiti on the bridge to not be a hateful message. Now, it is nice of that character to do that, but I'm frustrated that we saw no substantial confrontation and education. We as the viewers were not shown that this character was more directly confronted with their own biases, and that's somewhat of a pattern that is frustrating. Megatron at the memorial park after the terrans reenact his war memories in front of him doesn't get mad at them or explain to them that war and trauma isn't a laughing matter. At least he doesn't explain it explicitly which I would like to see. But this happens a lot. Megatron expresses to Optimus he doesn't like the devices GHOST is building that control Transformers' mode they're allowed to be in. Optimus sort of vaguely says they have to do this for the greater good, and the topic is dropped. Robby walks away from his friend without explaining why it's cruel to buy into anti Transformers rhetoric. The topic is dropped and suddenly the other kid has a change of heart. Nightshade and a nonbinary person have a discussion about gender that I personally really hoped would go deeper. The topic is dropped as the scene changes after a few sentences.

I feel like the way the writers aren't diving into their themes more is frustrating. It comes off kind of insulting to me. And I am sure that isn't the writers' intentions. And again, I don't think Earthspark is an all bad series or that others shouldn't enjoy it. I know good representation is a huge struggle, and I'm actually really happy to see Nightshade as nonbinary rep even though I also wish they explored more with them. It's just frustrating to see the writing shy away from getting into the representation they're boasting so much that I can't even tell what they're trying to say about their own themes.

(Please no huge spelling and grammar errors fingers crossed.)

[sherrendipities]

we bein VULNRABLE on the KINK BLOG besties. mostly i needed a place to dump out some thoughts on gender and weird cultural shit and the things that led me to get into these kinks and why they've been healing. tw for non-graphic discussions of sexism, but it's really just feelsy, it's nbd

i'm in the minority of women into dykebreaking who actually ended up with this kink genuinely changing the way i think about and understand my sexuality, and outside of the context of kink, i no longer label myself as a lesbian.

i came across a post today on tiktok that was super fun. it was a saudi rapper with his whole crew, dressed in traditional garments and carrying the scimitars that are on the saudi flag. the video itself was delightful, the music was banging, and i bookmarked it so i can check out the guy's spotify when i have time.

it was a comment that really ticked me off. it said "no girls, no alcohol, no smoking. just vibes 💯". and yes i'm aware it's such a juvenile "ew girls have cooties" ass fucking perspective but it drove me up the wall cause that really is the attitude so many grown ass arab men are stuck with. and it was that comment in particular that really made me realize why i've always struggled so much to connect with men for so many years, to the point where i very much believed it was as simple as, "guess i'm gay."

and the phrasing of that really made it click in my head that to so many men, women are just a vice. this is something you'll find all over, but it's especially prominent with arab and muslim men in my experience. women aren't full human beings who you can laugh with, share stories with, be friends with, enjoy music with. we're a vice, no different from substances and gambling and other sinful things. we're something filthy, to be separated away from them (literally; i grew up in a very gender segregated country). our inclusion and our intimacy, even in a completely nonsexual context, is something that ruins the purity of the moment. we can't just fucking like rap or be full humans and equal participants in anything.

and i'm not saying anything novel or new. it's the same way that a lot of men all over the globe will talk about "the friendzone," because women aren't people you make friends with, we're objects you jerk off with. it's a very similar perspective, but i think this exact moment really made me snap because of the cultural context around it. these were men singing and dancing in traditional garb, and i was just vibing enjoying the merging of the traditional and the modern as well as the merging of black american culture with khaleeji culture. the vibes were indeed 💯!!

women are objectified all over the world. in the west (from my experiences living there), it's more so that women are something to be chased, used, then discarded, or chased, locked down, and ignored. the attitudes that i've seen from SWANA men has been that women are something impure and filthy that must be locked away. sure, you eventually have to find some wife, but trust me marriage in west asia is its own shitshow that i wouldn't touch with a 10 ft pole.

and in a weird, roundabout way, this is why it was so much easier for me to realize i liked women than men. even though i grew up in a horrifically homophobic environment, i knew from a young age that the treatment of gay people was dumb as shit and a problem of homophobia, not that the queerness itself was bad. it was easy for me to connect with other girls. i never questioned that they viewed me as a full and equal person, and eventually i ended up getting a couple crushes on them and i didn't judge myself for it at all. with my girl friends (romantic and platonic lol), i knew i was with them because they wanted me there, not because i was allowed to be there, yk?

the same can't really be said about men. and again, there's like... a million different manifestations of sexism that can make it so hard for a woman to connect with the men around her (not just romantically obvs but just as HUMANS in community together). this is just me dissecting one (1) aspect of it.

i think another part of what is making me start to really dissect this now of all times is because i recently watched khadija mbowe's video about the man vs bear debate, and she quotes bell hooks' book, the will to change. i haven't read it yet but the more i think about it, the more i think i really need to. for my soul. but anyway, the quote was:

"Every female wants to be loved by a male. Every woman wants to love and be loved by the males in their life. Whether gay, or straight, bisexual, or celibate, she wants to feel the love of father, grandfather, uncle, brother, or male friend. If she is heterosexual, she wants the love of a male partner. We live in a culture where emotionally starved, deprived females are desperately seeking male love. Our collective hunger is so intense, it rends us. And yet we dare not speak it for fear it will be mocked, pitied, shamed. To speak out hunger for male love would demand that we name the intensity of our lack and our loss."

and i think there really is so much shame around that because 1) a lot of pop feminism is centered around capitalist individualism and on some level it feels anti-feminist to admit this, and 2) it so often gets misinterpreted or belittled; either you're some boy-crazed idiot who needs to be more independent or you just have daddy issues (why the fuck do we belittle daddy issues so much i fucking hate that shit). but something about the phrasing of it (or maybe just the fact that it's bell hooks lol) made me think of it more from a hippie, commie, "the love for your fellow human is the most sacred and valuable thing in the world" perspective and it's like. yeah man that shit DO be hurting. it aint right to be so emotionally and even physically separated from a whole half of the population. and for me even though i have reasonably good relationships with my dad and brother, there's this greater sense of disconnect from my community at large BECAUSE of patriarchal influence. i wish i could feel safe and assured that my fellow countrymen would look out for me but i simply have never been given enough reason to trust arab men at large. this is genuinely one of the biggest reasons why i struggled with internalized racism so much for so long, and i often still do.

but all that said, i think in a weird way all of that fuckiness is why i ended up finding misogyny kink so soothing, and especially dykebreaking. beyond the fact that shit's sexy and it doesn't always have to be that deep, it also started off as a way for me to explore this feeling without having to label it one way or another. "sure, it's just a kink, whatever." for a long time i'd thought that small, very repressed pull towards men might just be comphet. for a lot of people that probably is it !! but as stated, i had a weird mix of factors that made me like this lol. the more i started to connect with men, the more i was like ooohh. it is not comphet, and it is not just a kink.

there's something very soothing, empowering, and healing about taking all those things that have stopped me from being able to connect with men and using them to form such loving and intimate connections. i love being treated like an object while knowing with all my heart that i'm respected and appreciated and i'm not going to be tossed aside. i love being treated as sinful, corrupting whore that tempts the worst impulses out of men, while knowing that the man in question adores and values me as deeply as i do him.

anyway, idk how to end this. i just be yapping. the moral is i love my Doms with literally my whole being and sometimes the most feminist thing u can do is slap a girl around and call her a cunt to heal a broken lil piece of her soul.

[mermaidsirennikita]

From what I gathered, it's because she was praised by BookTok, and she's a Reylo shipper and her book was a Reylo fanfiction in the beginning.

People are just very sensitive about these two things.

Oh yeah lol, alllll that--but I think the extra level of criticism towards Ali got super personal, and because her books are so popular, the criticism really got picked up by people who have NO idea how writing and publishing works. Which made it so much worse.

I think you're absolutely right that Ali's books being popular on BookTok was a big part of it--and this is a combo of luck and her publisher, Berkley, being very good at marketing (.... for the authors they prioritize, and it makes sense that Ali was one as she had a preexisting following). So it's a combo of the book taking off and her having a preset great marketing hook for a publisher that seems to know its shit when it comes to marketing. She makes it easier for them, but Berkley is also good at marketing people who would typically be harder to market (Evie Dunmore writing very standard historicals, in a subgenre that's not super popular atm).

And while I do hate a lot of BookTok rhetoric, and while I don't get many, if any, recs from there... It makes sense that Berkley went for them with this book, because the Reylo thing feeds right into their audience. Ali is far from the only Reylo fic writer who's been published (I've read like, four Reylo fic books this year alone lol) but TLH was so distinctly Reylo.

The reality is that this did tee her up for a set audience, but she did write good fics and she did have an audience over other fic writers for a reason, you know? It doesn't mean she didn't work for success; it just does mean that she happened to latch on to a pairing that hit the zeitgeist in a big way, and, as publishing has done for decades now, but more openly in recent years--that pairing was sought out by trad publishing.

And then it snowballed because of the anti thing, and like... I remember this weird moment where people were going off on her because she mentioned her agent suggesting tropes to her? And it's like? Yeah? That's brainstorming lol. I get that the trope marketing thing makes it feel like everyone is suddenly writing to tropes, and it's like--yes, the marketing can be overwhelming, 100%. But writers, especially commercial writers, have always written to tropes. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard writers on podcasts go "I haven't written second chance romance, I'd like to do that someday" or whatever. Romance writers especially write to market. It's a job. And your agent will tell you what they think will sell, because it's literally their job.

But it was flipped into this thing where Ali couldn't think of shit on her own, and it's like--brainstorming with people? Is normal. It was really in the context of her giving credit where credit is due, tbh. Because a lot of your best ideas as a writer don't just pop into your head on a whim. Writing is actually a collaborative process. The indies everyone hates that suck balls? Usually don't have an editor working on them. Fic writers talk about their beta readers trading ideas with them all the time. But because people wanted a reason to say that Ali's work was inherently lesser (versus "not for them"), they turned an innocuous normal thing into her being unable to write.

It's really kind of bizarrely hilarious because it's like... if all you're really worried about here is a reylo being published, just say it. Don't try to discuss things you don't actually know shit about (or for that matter, speak over people who do know what they're talking ab out) because of this one fic writer getting published.

[troutfur]

I am currently writing some fic post stuff for an au I am working on, specifically related to Rootspring and his 'can see spirits' thing, and out of curiosity what is you're take on 'heresy' in clan society?

Like, what would be their idea of things like witchcraft, would they even really have similar concepts, either real or imagined?

There is the Dark Forest of course, but it doesn't seem like most cats knew about that before the literal hell invasion.

Would they do the 'heresy' route of just lumping anything spiritual outside of Starclan into 'Its Dark Forest' or would it be more like, 'Its not my ancestors so I don't care, and this is the clans so you WILL follow the stars and not anything alternative.'

Hmmmm...

Heresy persay I wouldn't say there is much of a concept. Their society doesn't have much room for an agitator to come in with alternate theology or radical breaks in social mores when so much of it ends up being discussed on and legislated on by leaders.

Witchcraft though? Oh absolutely! Clan culture is pervasive with xenophobia and a sense of exceptionalism. I can only imagine that upon contact with external cultures they may be at the very least skeptical about any other alternative heaven type realm.

Though I can see them coming to accept it after extended contact, for for the case of, for example, The Tribe. It still fits their paradigm in terms of a star religion and it's not too far-fetched to think the night skies may contain multiple territories.

When it comes to The Sisters though? That's where it gets interesting! I will be intermixing a little bit of headcanon and even canon-rework here so fair warning.

The way I see the Dark Forest is that it's much more terrestrial, hence the forest and moss imagery and why it's much easier for DF spirits to walk in the dreams of cats. I would even dare say it would be interesting if DF spirits were tethered to the territory and its features, haunting them, creating trouble.

Thus with regards to The Sisters and their dualistic, gendered cosmology and the powers associated with such, encounter with a Sister tom immediately predisposes them to assume the worst. "Toms speak with the earth, she-cats sing to the stars."

I have even thought it'd be interesting if Sisters believed in gender-segregated afterlives. Tom souls are heavy and as such sink and become one with the earth. She-cat souls are light and thus float upwards and remain diferentiated.

Thus, with the context that the Clans' main exposure to Sister magic has been through toms and their power the immediate assumption is that they're witches contacting evil spirits. The Sisters don't even have a concept of a mediating priesthood unlike other cultures the Clans have been in contact with which would also be great cause for alarm in their minds.

I tend to think of meddie training as actually quite heavy in ritual techniques. Lots of learning divination systems, memorizing prayers and ritual scripts, learning how to perform intricate coreographies, that kind of stuff. Honestly the doctor part of doctor-priest is remarkably sidelined in how I tend to approach them.

Compare that with how Sisters handle it. Theirs is a society that expects all its members to be adept in techniques that facilitate direct contact with the divine, meditation for the toms and singing for the she-cats. The singing thing would make a lot of sense if it was a means to work themselves into a trance.

A meddie would definitely see this more unstructured and democratic approach to religion as completely reckless and dangerous.

[runwayrunway]

when germans think lufthansa nobody thinks ah yes the name the nazis gave to their airline, because the hansa name is a direct tie to something far older and that is far more suitably neutrally nationalist propaganda - Hansa. The Hanseatic League. The "earliest predecessor to the EU" and something that remains such a point of pride that formerly Hanseatic cities keep it in their name centuries after the Hanseatic league was wiped from all maps. Something that remains on modern city signs and even on car registration plates, like Hamburg giving up the single "H" to the smaller and far less important city of Hanover just so they can have their "HH" for Hansastadt Hamburg

With Lufthansa it's not so much the etymology that's the issue as the historical context. The name itself is entirely harmless but the original Deutsch Luft Hansa was a government apparatus which used forced labor of prisoners including children and was run by members of the Nazi party including several who had personal hands in war crimes. Today's Lufthansa is technically a different company but it was lead by many of the same people, most notably Deutsche Bank manager Kurt Weigelt, Luftwaffe Oberkommando Kurt Knipfer, and Luftwaffe chief of staff Werner Kreipe. This company was actually established with the name Luftag and then spent a significant amount of money to continue using the pre-war name and crane logo. (East Germany's flag carrier pre-Interflug also attempted to do this until Luftag/Lufthansa sued them into bankruptcy for it. To be clear, they also should not have done this, in my opinion.) They also seem to consider themselves to be the same company, if stating their founding date as 1926 is any indication. They've taken some downright bizarre actions when it comes to if they want to acknowledge this or not, including commissioning studies by historians and then suppressing their publication. Keeping the Luftag or Interflug name would not have changed this but the fact that they chose to continue branding themselves as Lufthansa definitely exacerbates it.

This is the unfortunate double reality in which German companies which keep the names of their Nazi-era counterparts are forced to operate. I'm sure somebody who knows more about cars than me could talk about Volkswagen or Porsche, which literally takes its name from an officer of the SS who produced weaponry for the war effort. Should they have outright changed their names? That's a bigger question than I can answer. I generally lean towards 'yes' in the same way I do for Chanel - the fact that a company is no longer literally owned by the same people it once was doesn't make the bitter pill that is branding itself with the name of someone who contributed to genocide much easier to swallow, and even more so with something inherently political like a flag carrier. Both Italy and Japan, for example, retired the brands of Ala Littoria and Imperial Japanese Airways. But there's obviously not a consensus here and I am just one person with one opinion. I find Chanel and Porsche to be far more inherently loaded than Lufthansa, but that doesn't mean there isn't a conversation to be had surrounding this topic, and people have been having that conversation for years.

This is, in all honesty, about the least of my political criticisms of the current Lufthansa. It's been the better part of a century and they are no longer literally abducting people to build their radar systems to the best of my knowledge, nor do they have any 150-year-old SS officers serving on their board. But they are still indisputably linked to Nazi Germany, which I expect they are pretty reluctant to lean into when discussing their history because if they did that would be terrible (and as far as I know of German law probably also illegal). Of the large airlines in the world this is a pretty uniquely Lufthansa baggage to deal with and it puts them in a pretty unfortunate spot a lot of the time, but as I was getting at in my post I do think there's a lot they could do that actually leans into German identity rather than being quarterlyreportcore without sticking Third Reich imagery on their planes but I can also understand why they may be hesitant to brand themselves in any way that isn't super sterile given that they have this history. It is just inherently harder to make being Lufthansa your brand than it is to make being the country that has really great glaciers your brand.

No, it's not the main thing that is associated with the name 'Lufthansa' and it shouldn't be. Yes, Lufthansa is a brand which was actively put forth by the Third Reich rather than just coincidentally existing at the same time and that is always going to be a nasty barnacle attached to the airline.

[knackfandomarchive]

could i ask for some lucas headcanons bc all of the ones you've posted so far are really cute lmao (he is my son)

Oh Bestie, you sweet-talker, you!

Umm... I'm so sorry; I had already talked about most of these before; I don't have much and only have like 15k words of prose across all my documents. I'm bringing these ideas up again mainly for context and in case some readers haven't seen them yet. This is sort of like an overview for the first segment of my story, and also some brief character analyses of certain scenes. I'm also not sure what would spoil my story or not.

I forgot how English works (and it's my only language).

Also this is depressing AF... I tried to put all the doom and gloom into this first part, so if anyone reading this wants to skip to the part that says, "I avoid giving Lucas any diagnosis..." then be my guest. It's. Half the post, tho.

And I'll post the art separately tomorrow, so people won't have to read the depressing stuff to see it.

With that, I can shakily point to a few foundational scenes I over-analyzed. Especially this one:

Where to start...

As we may recall in the first game, the Doctor complains to Ryder that it was easier to take care of Lucas when he was younger, and, "now he wants to know How and Why and debate everything. It's really quite trying at times."

This just sounds like puberty to me. Dad agreed; the Doctor probably received Lucas at a young, easy-to-please age and got used to that lifestyle. But as Lucas grew older, taking more independence, and forming his own opinions - normal development stuff - this resulted in conflict - the form of which I'm still unsure of.

So, I have Lucas lose his mom around eight years old. It's that vulnerable spot where he's old enough to remember her well, and young enough that he has little in the way of coping mechanisms. And while puberty is right around the corner, it gives the Doctor some time to know him before then.

Another thing to add, my Dad mentioned something Lucas said while reaching for his locket:

We're taking a literal approach to this. Not only is this device the last thing he has left of his mother, it's also the only thing he has left of his old life; all of his belongings had been destroyed or lost. We discussed possible causes, and I prefer something horrible and yet mundane. Not super newsworthy outside of his hometown. A fire, maybe?

Lucas needed a new home. And his father was never mentioned, which could mean anything (I haven't gotten around to that). In any case, they were not in the picture by this time. Next of kin would be Ryder or other family members.

We can recall Ryder in a later scene asking if Lucas wonders why the Doctor takes care of him, rather than Ryder doing so. Ryder explains his own unavailability as being very busy. I take this to mean two-fold: he was the only alternative when it came to raising Lucas, and it wasn't due to his capability to parent. So, if Lucas had other blood relatives, they never stepped up. Naturally, this results in Lucas feeling unwanted.

So many characters I need to get right... Lucas lost his mom, and Ryder lost his sister. Ryder may have thought himself and his life situation too unstable. Like he couldn't afford the responsibility on top of the grief and whatever else he had going on. Lucas stays with him for only as long as it takes to arrange a plan with the Doctor. I think Ryder might have some mental troubles of his own that would make raising a child difficult. But the Doctor isn't much better on that front.

Doctor Vargas seems to have had a lingering emotional wound since Charlotte disappeared, and based on vibes was likely a lonely, somewhat reserved man. But his living situation is the most stable, and he has kept it together for so long. And if he ever imagined having children, this would fill that need. So the arrangement - as my Dad suggested, and as I will have Ryder suggest - is a two birds, one stone kind of deal. The hope is that Doc and Lucas would help each other get better, and not worse.

Lucas is taken to the Doctor's Mansion, where Ryder will say goodbye. I have Ryder keep a stoic demeanor; he's trying to stay strong for Lucas. Even holding his breath to keep it from shuddering when they hug. But Lucas really could have benefitted from a more vulnerable moment with him, instead. Ryder is the one who gives Lucas the locket as a parting gift. Lucas begs him not to go, but Ryder can only say he's sorry.

I don't know the boy's educational situation exactly, but after that, his grades drop, he becomes more withdrawn, and his friends, if he has any, don't know how to help him. What are the chances they're mainly fair-weather friends, who go play with someone else when Lucas starts being a bummer? At least I haven't invented bullies to harass him on top of this. Actually, there's a chance that Lucas would be the bully, but I haven't decided.

Have I mentioned Lucas crying at night? He can just about gloomily keep it together during the day, but at night, when he's alone with his thoughts, he falls apart, and his crying soon wakes up the Doctor. Losing his mother and then feeling abandoned by his uncle and other relatives, it's a major blow to the self-esteem. And when his whole world is turned upside down in one fell swoop, it leaves him with a peculiar feeling.

Here is where I point out the next aspect:

Right here, this could have been the end of Lucas. And the Doctor can only watch him go. If I look at it from a more thematic view, Lucas's loss is so devastating to him that he'll clutch the memory of his mother and what he had before she died, at the expense of living himself.

So we have a semi-suicidal eight-year-old living with an older scientist and anyone else who lives in the same building. Scientists and their families from all over the world! I still don't know how the Doctor is going to take care of him. Lucas when he's older is grateful to the Doctor for taking him in, but doesn't seem to me to think of him as a father figure (but perhaps I just forgot something). And my grasp on the Doctor's character is extremely flimsy, despite him virtually being the protagonist of the first game.

I'm not sure how familiar Lucas is with Doctor Vargas. The boy's mom was a colleague, and Ryder trusts the Doctor a great deal, so at least they're not strangers. But Little Lucas might not have paid much attention to the Doctor. Maybe they played peek-a-boo a time or two. I can imagine a dark-haired toddler running under tables at company picnics or something. Doc might have showed him a couple neat gadgets or gifted him some. I dunno yet. What could be the KNACK-equivalent of a Game Boy?

During Lucas's crying spells, I kind of have the Doctor treat him like he's physically sick. Hold him while he cries, put a hand on his shoulder while he throws up, that sort of thing. Uhh, soup - in a big ol' thermos. Gotta stay hydrated and replenish those electrolytes.

Lucas crying and the Doctor consoling him is a regular occurrence for maybe a week or two, and the Doctor can't hide his exhaustion well. Still working out the details, but essentially Lucas doesn't really stop crying after that, he's just quieter about it and lies about it and Doctor Vargas doesn't press the issue. But the Doctor does worry. Lucas seems exhausted all the time, and when he's not hunched over and listless, or politely playing along with whatever to satisfy the grown-ups, he's throwing tantrums about the pointlessness of homework and anything else he doesn't want to do. I made that up. Sometimes he does still find joy in some things, and while it's temporary, it gives Doctor Vargas some hope.

The Doctor's thoughts, as they often do, turn to Charlotte, and how he felt after losing her. And what happened on that fateful day.

Lucas has a well-known love of puzzles. Because I want him to. And especially puzzles in video games. And what is science but a series of puzzles?

Before his mother's passing, I imagine Lucas enjoyed school and gained some reputation among his peers for being a nerdy kid and very smart. Naturally this would result in some peers getting close to him to improve their academic metrics or because they have similar interests. Maybe he has an interest in - the foundational stuff a seven-to-eight-year-old learns about - physics. I imagine he found his mommy's work very interesting and would ask her a lot of questions, sometimes rehashing the same ideas again and again (as my sibling did when they were little).

After she's gone, he still loves puzzles, but much like anything else, the experience of playing with them is tinged with regret. At the Doctor's place, I'm sure there are some other children and young folk living there, too, but I don't know how Lucas feels about them. I have to make so many characters...

I think Lucas would piece together some jigsaw puzzles in the lounge areas. And also slurp up much of the hot cocoa during winter time, but I digress.

Hmm. I need him to accumulate a small collection of toys, but I'm not sure yet who gives them to him and when. If he receives them all too soon and from strangers (scientists who find him endearing), he might feel sour about being pitied. At the same time, if he had a lot of toys before the fire, he'll sure miss their absence. Anyway, some things like: a small chess set, from which he'll lose some pieces, sidewalk chalk, a new gaming device with Tetris and a few other games on it, jump rope, a skateboard (actually a longboard), a Rubik's Cube, and some plushies. I want him to get the device and a plushy or two fairly quickly.

He mainly plays with the gaming device, and while it fills time and is entertaining, it does not fill the void. Still, the Doctor taps his shoulder one day.

"So. I heard you like puzzles?" Said more like a statement than a question.

Lucas doesn't fully understand the situation at first, on the order of a few hours or a day or so, when the Doctor shows him the orb. Doc tries to have a heart-to-heart moment with Lucas, but what the Doctor *says* reads like Chekhov's plasma cannon and I don't have the 'payoff' for that lined up, so I might change it.

But once it clicks for Lucas, it's like a switch is flipped. He smiles more and starts getting genuinely excited about things again. It helps that I had a pipe-dream of making Knack's puzzle a mini-game, so Lucas finds it fun. I'll want to add more to it, probably, depending on how I interpret Knack. I also have a headcanon that Knack's orb resembles a plasma globe in some tactile characteristic; Lucas likes to touch or hold it at every opportunity because it vaguely feels like something is going on in there. It's just so cool! The Doctor may or may not appreciate the novelty.

So it's like, Knack provides Lucas an opportunity to climb to his feet again. More indirectly than the screenshot, though.

I apparently got someone's game-play video confused for a trailer, and misinterpreted the YouTuber's voice as Lucas's voice, so one version of this post mentioned Knack having an incidental role of 'guardian' to Lucas. I still might want to play with that, though.

Anyway, if you're curious as to why Lucas finds the orb so much more satisfying than other puzzles, it's because of the angst. I had initially intended for Lucas to work on the project as something to distract him, much like any other puzzle, give him something to look forward to, and help him bond with Doctor Vargas. The Doctor himself hopes it can help the both of them move on from their losses, and hopes it can help him teach Lucas a thing or two.

But, somehow surprising even to me, Lucas seems to have taken it upon himself to solve this particular puzzle as a measure of value. If he can play a big part in solving it, and contribute to a grown-up scientific achievement, then he's worth all the trouble, right? Then he'll actually amount to something and be worth loving.

... I'm not sure what to say next except that I want to bonk him on the head with a paper towel roll and tell him he's being silly. And then give him a big hug.

At least he lets himself be happy again. In fact, his educational situation might flip from being too aloof to being too distracted. Doodling odd symbols in the margins of his homework and tapping his feet when he should be studying.

He still cries at night sometimes, though. Umm... trying to rack my brain here...

I avoid giving Lucas any diagnosis. Is this a bad idea? Would it be preferred I name his issues, and do research on them?

I kinda just make stuff up.

Okay, switching gears now. This part is more scattered because I don't know how to string the ideas together.

I think I mentioned the Doctor taking Lucas to places like museums and carnivals and aquariums.

Lucas might be prone to jealousy, at least when he is young, and becomes slightly possessive over the orb. This doesn't come up much beyond pressing his lips together, avoiding eye contact, and nursing a bitter feeling when the Doctor improves some experimental hardware without Lucas's prior knowledge. Lucas wonders if the Doctor had continued solving parts without him. Not sure if I should drop it.

Lucas is about ten years old by the time Knack is Manifested. I picked ten years old just 'cause that's about two years of working on the puzzle, enough time to build that machine. I don't want it to take too long or short because the puzzle I'm going with currently makes the Doctor look a bit stupid.

I have Lucas as twelve years old when the first game starts, because that's about middle-school age where the puberty does the things. And about 16 or so in the sequel, trying to balance the moved-out thing with the uncharacteristically immature behavior.

Also because Ava seems about 16 and Dad said that number makes sense for her role as a youth leader, and Ava and Lucas seem like peers. Man, they really flopped on the framing for the scene in this shot! I can hardly see Lucas at all with low brightness. Maybe it's different when you play it yourself.

Dad also told me something that I interpreted to mean most media is really bad at establishing ages. So I'm not sure what to do with that.

Anyway, ten years old.

I'm still not sure how, after the excitement of success subsides, Lucas will initially react to the creature made of stone. His reaction will probably depend on his background. Early drafts have him fed fairy tales that paint goblins unfavorably. And since the creature resembles a goblin in some aspects, Lucas freaks himself out or intimidates the little guy. But these drafts felt silly or off, because the creature is all smiles when he wakes up, and we know he's friendly. Also the Doctor just stands there. So I'll come up with something else, probably.

Regarding Knack's relationship with Lucas: When I see other people describe their relationship as sibling-like (a headcanon), they tend to position Knack as the elder. I may need to double-check; the fandom is pretty small and I haven't read much of the fanfictions. Another headcanon I saw a couple times is that Knack had been alive/conscious a long, long time ago.

But recently someone told me they interpret Lucas as the elder!

My interpretation is that Lucas steps up to that particular plate, first.

My idea goes: before anyone knows for sure that Knack's creature type also includes being a person, Lucas treats him a bit like a toddler and a pet, himself acting as the older brother and sorta babysitter. Still trying to decide if Knack knows he is a person at this stage... It seems like in both games, Lucas tends to talk to him like he's giving him a tutorial.

So I gotta figure out how the Doctor, Lucas, and some other folks turn a sweet little bean into the Knack we all know and love. And how Knack and the Doctor etc, do the same with Lucas.

Lucas is so silly!

I know you saw the one about the first night, Bestie [D;? but I'm not sure how to explain it concisely here. A lot of these I feel would be best shown in a comic series.

There is very much a theme of reciprocation in my story. That might be the wrong word. I'm thinking of familial affection. Lucas just doesn't get enough, and so, doing unto others as he would want to be treated, offers attention to Knack. What to list as examples... Reading him stories, nuzzling, very simple dancing. Probably more but I am my brain is made of Swiss cheese.

I did mention Knack being a sleepy baby on here at first, but I don't think I mentioned that Lucas worries if he's dying or something. It's like if you brought home a baby creature, but had no idea what it eats or needs to live, and then it acts groggier and less responsive, and can barely hold its head up... The Doctor kind of scoffs and says it's highly unlikely (not in a mean way), possibly thinking of Knack more like a device. But even if the Doctor is confident, Lucas isn't convinced. And Baby Knack doesn't know how to ask for what he needs, so he kind of furrows his brow and squints and makes little grumbling noises and like. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's like he kneads invisible dough or something? And he frequently glances up at Lucas or the Doctor.

Lucas tries really hard to not-cry and seem reasonable, but he can't help reaching out to pet the little guy's head. The creature responds very favorably, still sleepy. Leading Lucas to bring him into a hug, possibly picking him up. The creature is soothed by this, and after wrapping his arms around Lucas, he promptly falls asleep. Or something idk. Everything is a work in progress.

Knack occupies a weird role at first, and even later on occasion: something sort of like a pet, but not quite. Lucas is primarily the one who initiates the interactions like that, but sometimes the Doctor does as well. Knack himself does not understand until later.

I know it's silly to have Lucas pet him. He's basically a rock, even if he reminds me of a teddy bear sometimes. But look at that face! Lucas can feel warm and fuzzy just knowing that his little puzzle buddy likes him.

I also have Lucas very interested in Knack as a person, like how he's feeling and what he thinks. I think it would be funny if he gets good at reading Knack's body language, but not so good at interpreting his words sometimes. I'm kind of throwing out that scene in 2 where Knack gives Lucas an odd look for presuming what he's thinking and framing it as a 'talk'; if Lucas paid any attention to Knack, he would have done something like that a long time ago. And so I have him *do*: Early on, Lucas talks to the Doctor for Knack, like an untrained interpreter. And sometimes even airs his own grievances as if Knack is 'saying' so.

I mean, I *guess* I could have Lucas be oblivious to Knack's emotional situation unless it suits him, but then like. I dunno. That doesn't fit the little guy I made up so far. What feels more like Lucas?

Lucas sometimes imitates Knack's mannerisms and vice versa. Also expect recycled dialogue. I think Lucas vicariously experiences some adventure through Knack.

I still think Lucas gets swole by playing with Knack all the time.

Later, Knack and Lucas switch big-brother-little-brother roles based on the scene.

(I got this screenie from MoeePlays. The rest of the unwatermarked ones are from FullPlaythroughs.)

You may also see Knack playing the big-brother role while being Little Knack, if I can communicate that well enough. I think it's interesting. And the reverse.

Dad compared the way I describe Knack to Lennie Smalls in "Of Mice and Men", and suggested Lucas could be made somewhat like George. I must say, I hadn't read that story before then. So that was a wild ride! Now George, he's kind of prickly, which Lucas seems to be in the second game, but I'm a little hesitant. Dad also mentioned something about George's dream, and maybe Lucas could have something like that. I think I know what he means, and it's probably a reason I feel stuck in the 'ending' I had written; the dream feels impossible.

Jumping around again; if you were to talk to Lucas about Knack, and Knack was nowhere to be seen, Lucas would probably think of him as Little Knack. I looked too far into Lucas calling Knack "little buddy" at the start, and couldn't remember if Lucas called him something different later. I also interpreted this to mean Knack often hangs out with Lucas as Little Knack, which is supported by a brief shot or two in 1, and the title screen of 2.

Lucas considers Knack to be his achievement on some level. In fact, I consider this to be what he was alluding to in the museum in 2; that "without me, the Doctor would never have known-" how to bring Knack to life. I can imagine a young Lucas, when people are told that the Doctor had solved the puzzle and created Knack, saying quietly or thinking to himself, "*I* made this."

He goes back on that idea later. For Reasons. I might change that also, though. Then again, if I change the story every time I get caught and scraped up in a prickly patch, I wouldn't have much of a story anymore. I wouldn't necessarily say Lucas is naive. He's pretty smart and can sometimes pick up on things, but he can be willfully ignorant. If that doesn't make sense out of context, don't worry.

Changing the subject, Lucas kick-starts Knack's mischievous streak. He kind of teases him? Best example is the GIF I wanted to make but turned into a slideshow. In the garden, Lucas growls in jest at a Little Baby Knack, who reacts ferociously and growls back with rough red lettering, lifting his paws a bit and shifting his weight from foot to foot. Lucas laughs, delighted, and Baby Knack's expression shifts a little into amusement, before the GIF loops and they return to growling.

To clarify, Knack is playing, here. Although it does take him a few moments of fleeing and fawning to realize Oh, you're threatening me as a joke. Two can play at that game! Eventually, Lucas feels that Knack is acting too aggressive for his comfort, and, failing to notice that Knack is mirroring his own body language, worries he'll get a good punch to the gut. Or worse. He tries to de-escalate with the offer of a hug, which allows Baby Knack to play a mean prank.

And at one point I want Lucas to try smuggling Knack to school for the express purpose of scaring the crap out of Lucas's peers. For fun!

Another thing about how I wrote Lucas is that, when he is younger, at least, he isn't all that shy with Knack after like a day or so. I'm not sure how to say what I mean... It's like, Lucas has a tendency to get excited and touch, lightly pull, or grab Knack's arm(s), to get his attention, turn him around, or drag him somewhere. It's also a means of affection. He's gentle about it, but still. He isn't usually so grabby with other kids.

One of the things I considered playing with Knack is whether he might bite a family member when he is a 'baby'. But the more I think about it, the more the answer resounds no, he wouldn't. In one scene I wrote, Knack makes a non-lingual, idle threat (growling at him), but Lucas calls his bluff and takes something from him anyway. Lucas actually scoffs at him, incredulous.

Do not look to Lucas for guidance on how to treat children, animals, or operate heavy machinery.

Umm, what else. I bet Lucas would pass out if someone strokes his hair. First thing that comes to mind is Charlotte experimentally trying motherly things, feeling awkward about it and stopping. Lucas murmers something like, "You can keep going :)" Realizes what he just said, "I mean, if *you* want to," and scratches the back of his neck and looks away.

Along with a grappling hook (or maybe the Doctor gave him that), Ryder gives Lucas a butterfly knife for his twelfth birthday. This sounds very familiar to me, so either I thought about it before, it's practically canon, or someone else had mentioned it and I just can't remember. Or it could be a regular pocket knife.

At some point, to someone else, I have Doc describe Lucas as becoming more responsible since Knack came into his life. But of course, since the Doctor can never let Lucas have anything, he amends it with, "at times."

I also have this screenshot:

What was I going to put down for it...?

I remember seeing a review where someone mentioned this scene, gave an extremely reductive summary of it, and they thought "It plays out like a parody of kids movie/game “you-can-do-itism” but it’s not parodying anything in particular." I was rather miffed about that, to say the least; I thought this scene was a major characterization moment.

Lucas is curious/a scientist.

Knack puts so much faith in the Doctor that he limits himself. He also comes off like a major teacher's pet with his quoting ability.

The Doctor thinks himself so smart like he knows everything without testing it thoroughly. To the point where he has told Knack that he is incapable of something.

Lucas encourages Knack to try new things.

Not sure how to put this, but it comes up again in the Key Confrontation. Could be related to 4. Lucas is skeptical of the Doctor's authority and offers an opposing viewpoint. He prompts Knack to stop viewing the Doctor's words as gospel, at least temporarily. This is why I want Lucas and the Doctor to be/become foils in my story. Lucas sees himself in Knack.

Knack believes in the Doctor, sure. But he also trusts and believes in Lucas.

And one last thing, because I can't escape upsetting topics: there may be some parental favoritism going on between the Doctor and the boys. I loathe the idea, but it slots into my current framework with unfortunate agreement. I had a conversation with Dad about it, and he said, uhh trying to remember... it's a reasonable idea. He spoke of Lucas coming into his own and how it challenges the Doctor's ego, meanwhile Knack does whatever the Doctor says without question.

I don't think Lucas would resent or blame the Doctor's Greatest Creation, but it would impact his self-esteem. I don't know what that looks like yet.

Umm, I hope this was worth the wait; I had a lot of fun! I want to add more but I'm kind of scatter-brained. Also this is 4.6k words apparently.

[minalblood]

Aaan we're back with ep 4. John heavy ep 4. This will be a lot,but I actually dont want to focus on John with it. I will reference to him because he's literally going through an episode long ptsd attack and there's a lot to discuss with that, but there are so many other interesting facets about this episode. We also get kyle here.

But sure let's discuss John 1st tho. So his response to dealing with his ptsd flashbacks is distracting it with violence. Now i do want to make something clear here. I dont think necessarily that chanelling his very complicated emotions into action is bad per se here, if this was productive tho. But with John, unlike several othera ih this episode like Mary and Carlos, he isn't productive about it. For Mary we see that she is chanelling her own complicated emotions into training and getting John to partake, but it only slightly works. Same with Carlos, they focus their own issues into their hunting. John however does not. He tries to let it out through hunting, but really qhat works is just punching something as seen in the bathroom. Its not about chanelling it into something, but just violence qhich is why his hands no longer shake after punching the dispenser even tho all that action is is destructive. He also is very much either unaware of or actively ignoring his limits, because he's given several outs before getting himself in the group session and severely triggered. Mary alone gives him at least 2 or 3 outs. But she, like everyone, assumes he can make his own choices and can handle himself so when he saya he's good, then they trust it. Which isnt an issue, they are right to trust him on his own limits. But he very much isnt listening to them.

Now lets talk Carlos a bit, because we have some fun stuff for him too. 1stly we find out he was navy medic. That alone tells me some stuff and also very much reminds me of Dean in Pac-Man Fever. But it also firmly speaks back.to what we've been seeing from Carlos the past 3 episodes. Ive been mentioning that theue role in ep 1-3 was more support, was thw one in the background, doing the job, efficiently, not in the foreground as a soldier, but nonetheless vital. The fact thay they were medic makes perfect sense in this context, because as medic the goal was to ensure the frontline fighters were able and ready to jump back in and thay was what Carlos has been doing the past few episode. Then we have the story during group therapy that slots into place the ways he's been supporting everyone. Because while John is deing with severe survivors guilt and an exacerbated sense of responsibility which imo is why its much easier for him to have a black and white view of the situation, Carlos could've had the same issue, especially as a medic where, unlike John's self imposed responsibility, ut was literally their job to keep people alive and certainly couldn't through their time serving, not everyone. And even then, Carlos' takeaway wasn't to demonize the other side who was responsible for the people Carlos was in charge of saving ending up under their care, but rather saw the enemy and understood clearly that they too likely got pulled into this war against their wishes for some, lost people and experience the horror.and loss that the war brought same as Carlos. That speaks to a high level of empathy, something we've already seen Carlos display the first 3 episode but it makes it even clearer here that its a trait they've had foe a long long time and its one thats been honed and tested.

Then we have Mary and Lata, both of whom are dealing with the loss of Maggie and what effects this had on them. So if for John and Carlos we have the magnitude of war combined with personal loss, for Mary and Lata we have the very personal loss of Maggie reflected through the magnitude of hunting life. Which is why I think the episode has Carols and John confrunting (for better or worse) their loss in a group setting while Mary and Lata are in a one on ine scenario either just by themselves or talking to a singular person (Kyle). And why their confruntation of the loss happens in a quieter way via going to Maggies room and acknowledging that loss properly and thus reconnecting with who Maggie was, to them, and remembering her and understanding her which in turn leads to them understaning themselves a bit.

A quick line about Millie here. I think "her words are cheap, actions speak louder" attitude isnt necessarily a problem per se, the issue is that that saying refers to words are cheap if your actions dont match them, not that you shouldn't talk about things. And thats where the issue lands, because Millies actions have actually been kinda counter to her words and not in a good way the last few episode because she's said things that were a problem and acted correctly and did things that were a problem and said the correct thing, but til now its very rarely been actions matching her words. This ep is actually where we start seeing the shift into a Millie that us more aligned in her meanings. Having her verbally be there for John and the physically as well at the end of the episode. It's not perfect, both her actions ans words are both flawed this episode in various moments, but they are aligned.

And finally Mars Neto and the fucking sheer amount of Michael parallels/references in this episode. It drives me insane! Its the mention of John's destiny, the fact that Neto uses a spear, thay he wants John to be his own personal human weapon, the fact that Mars Neto isnt even the God of War himself, but rather in Lata's words, based on the Roman God of War, this emulating Mars the way Michael tried to emulate Chuck while ruling Heaven. I just cannot ignore the Michael of it all. And I also cant ignore that the way he dies is heavily reminiscent of how Dean, under the Mark of Cain, another older brother who echoed Michael and who's outright referenced by Neto when speaking of the centuries of blood and violence in John"s blood, killed Abaddon. The violence of it is echoed here and the issue with that violence ia too. Because while killing Neto is a good thing, like killing Abaddon was, the ultimate take from the battle is that John did not do the right thing because of the rage, juat like killing Abaddon spoke of the Marks influence over Dean.

And finally, we have the conclusion, of Mary and Lata starting to heal from their loss in a trubute to Maggie herself, Carlos going to therapy and John, isolating himself with only Millie there to comfort him, but even that is moreso because Millie goes out to search foe him, and not because he seeks out help.

This is a very rough episode to watch for me, for a miryad of reasons, but thats also why it's onw of my favorites too.

See y'all for ep 5.

P.S. The "uncle Samuel scremed at me" in Maggies postcard? Hurt my soul and made say a "fuck Samuel Campbell" and also is a perfect throwaway line in this ep to segway into ep 5 which is a Mary heavy one.

[hxdrostorms]

@legendreign has sent: 1. OTP(s) for your muse? ( For muses, all three Gold Saints! ) 2. NOTP(s) for your muse? 4. Are you oc shipping friendly? 12.Do you believe rp’ing a ship adds to character development?

Mun Related Shipping Questions! [Accepting]

1. OTP(s) for your muse?

// Funnily enough, I only have one answer for this one, bc I haven't figured that out for 2/3 boys I have here.

I've seen some really lovely fanart of Shaka/Mu, and I think I might enjoy it in a fanart/fanfiction way. Because I don't think I'll be RPing it, with the way I've set up Shaka (this isn't something I want to do with Shaka RN. That's why I've set him up as a singleship muse, nothing is ever set in stone so who knows if I'll ever change that about him.).

Aldebaran is practically a blank slate: sticks leggy out, who's going to give me a ship for him? I'm literally all ears, when it comes to ships for him.

And then we have Deathmask, and I've dug myself into the Aphrodite/DM ship hole, and I'm not leaving. NGL, I'm looking forward to write this ship. Fingers crossed for me to find an Aphrodite RPer, who'd be down to write it with me.

2. NOTP(s) for your muse?

// I've got nothing TBH? I also haven't touched with a 10 ft post any form of discourse in this fandom. Spoiler alert: I don't want to see or engage with it. So, I have no clue what would be considered a "bad" ship for my muses, that would get me crucified.

I'd imagine that anything involving the golden saints with the bronze ones, due to the ages. And I think it's a good time as ever to say that: in order for me to do anything like that in a RPing format, the characters will have to be aged up first (likely in the context of a post-series events type of situation/plot). Everything must be discussed and agreed upon, between me and the other mun. No ifs and buts, I won't do anything romantic between them, during the series' events for my own comfort.

I don't want to start any form of a shitshow of a discourse. Because, I'm way too tired of this nonsensical discussion, that never ends.

4. Are you oc shipping friendly?

// OFC I am! I'm just a bit more selective for OC/CC ships. But honestly? If the chemistry is there, and we have a solid plot going for them? They can offer me an experience that even surpasses CC/CC ships! I've had some truly awesome OC/CC ships in the past, which I still cherish to this day.

12. Do you believe rp’ing a ship adds to character development?

// Okay SO as sb who personally takes huge enjoyment out of character development, AND has had a long history of dealing with some snobbish Rpers in the past, I'll go straight to the point:

It all depends on what your end goal with it is.

Do you want to only focus in the fluff/smut/etc aspects of it? That's awesome! All the power to you.

Do you want to take this as an opportunity to expand on things through a relationship? That's equally awesome as well! All the power to you.

I'm just genuinely sick and tired of Tumblr RPC's competitive nonsense, where they think that they have to pitch one against another and try to shame RPers who have a different approach/interest to RP. No Karen, we aren't doing a full on essay through rp on tumblr dot com. You're not handing your shit ship to be analyzed, in a professional way.

All ships have the potential to serve as food for character development, but that has to come from the muns' wishes to do that to begin with. Otherwise, you're just forcing an elitist and snobbish way to RP, that's just unhealthy and nobody wins in the end. I personally take a lot of enjoyment of grabbing my main ship partners, and truly get DEEP into things on our discussions and worldbuilding.

And at the same time, I've had some good times with folks, who only wanted to do a simpler/easier to digest stuff and not think too much about the HCs/implications/etc. Does that suddenly make me into a lesser RPer? I highly doubt it.

[falsenote]

not to make a comparison post about two biographies that are not even available in english translation and also barely have anything in common besides the fact that i've read and enjoyed them and are about actors i like but. it's just so interesting how the 2018 volonté bio by mirko capozzoli and the 1991 romy bio by michael jürgs both foreground the cultural and sociopolitical contexts of the 60s-80s while approaching these filmographies and life stories because it not only makes time period so much easier to grasp but also deconstructs these mythical images of the actors in question in some ways

they differ in format because the romy book is very anecdotal, it constanty jumps back and forth in time, so much so that while reading i literally thought to myself that this is exactly like listening to someone tell stories at a bar or something because the way it's written it's like following someone's train of thought, how telling a story reminds them of another story from a completely different time and so it goes on for hours which makes it a messy but very enjoyable read on one hand, and on the other it's literally has the same dynamic energy as the movie 3 Days in Quiberon. which is a fun reconstruction of romy's stay at this french spa resort rehab place and most importantly her series of interviews with two journalists, one of them being michael jürgs, who in real life wrote the biography in question, heavily based on the interviews recorded during this time. and this is where i had some problems with the film because i didn't understand the need to make him into this misogynistic caricature, like i don't know much about nor care particularly for jürgs himself, so it might be that i missed out on some actual drama regarding this issue but this portrayal was very strange to me because surprisingly i felt while reading that considering how sensationalist biographies can get he was being respectul and even affectionate towards romy and her films. related to this, and which bothered me more, is that in one scene romy's friend says to him something dismissive about him writing about politics and i just didn't get the point of that, like insult self-important leftist men all you want (a topic also relevant to the volonté book. there it works!) but to me one of the most interesting parts of the bio were when jürgs was making these observations about post-war germany/austria and their relation to how the public opinion related to romy's roles and she herself (and how at that era [or maybe ever since?] clearly the two were seen as one). there is much to say about this public image, political situation issue (very vague terms i know but i will elaborate in a bit), so i just don't understand what's the problem with discussing this in particular. but in any case

as opposed to the dynamic flow of the romy book, the volonté bio is strictly structured, linear, so thouroughly researched that it's insane and not only that but everything is cited which i loved because often times with biographies it's hard to distinguish between the writer talking about some factual events and hypothesizing. but capozzoli's book is made up mostly of cultural and political contexts to volonté's filmography with some anecdotes inserted that range from terribly sad to amusing in a surreal way (large percentage of which is shared by his girlfriends over the years because. women's stories matter!!!) and some words on the films themselves which are funnily enough the weakest part of the book for me (and in the romy book too if i'm honest. strange). but to get closer to what i'm trying to say with all this, both the extensive amount of context and various anecdotes serve as counterpoints to previous overviews about him i think, and the book outright reflects on this general perception. and by general perception i'm referring to such eye roll inducing content as the documentary Un Attore Contro (2004) which is not only uncomfortably horrible on a technical level (every single person that talks in it gets cut off mid-sentence i'm not making this up. and they literally dragged half of europe out for this so just imagine) but even more worrying because the makers of the documentary try, with their poor editing skills, to force a very simplified interpretation of his film career and his life as a whole even. it's basically the usual tortured artist narrative that he was this misunderstood political revolutionary whom the film industry disappointed so much that it made him lose all hope ending with his death. and it's exactly this intense focus on tragic deaths of actors that i just find so tiring, it's always so sentimental (as in: untrue). i feel the same way about this issue when it's about romy too of course.

and to finally arive to what i could've said at the beginning both jürgs' romy book and capozzoli's volonté book provide this broader view of the times and cinema at the time and what made it all very enjoyable is that the writers are able to step over the usual clichés of the biography and while they naturally show a great appreciation for these actors, at the end of the day these people are the products of their time and that is exactly why they are interesting and uninteresting. by interesting i mean that of course these life stories, many parts of which widely known in details because of their public image, capture a portrait of the times very well, because they reflect the age. and by uninteresting i mean that at the same time, the mystification and idealization of the actor / artist is pointless because regardless public recognition, it doesn't make much sense to reduce them to a comfortable narrative because they naturally will contradict that image.

that is why it was refreshing to read jürgs' hazy recollection of romy and her growing into her political ideas, taking more self-confident roles moving away from but constantly criticized by post-war germany public opinion. and that is also why it was interesting to read capozzoli's recollection of italy at the time in the context of volonté's career and life throughout the memories of people who worked in the film industry during those years, giving the whole thing a collective, historical document feel.

also i left this thought to the end bc i'm kind of hoping no one will get this far into reading this post but another thing that is very amusing when comparing these things is that romy obviously had at the time and still has i suppose this very feminine, diva image, widely reported love affairs w some men etc etc and while this is of course part of the vibe, the bio kind of deconstructs this too with mentioning many traits that go against this like her masculine walk for example (which i've also noticed in many of her movies before it's very cute) also quite a few of her boyfriends were younger and less successful so she provided the main source of income, not to mention the alleged bisexuality... and w the volonté bio too it's a little bit similar like there you have this revolutionary political activist image but when you read the book this is counterpointed with the aforementioned testimonials from his girlfriends who are fairly critical of him putting those progressive political stances into practice (meaning that i've made a few additions to my gian maria misogyny moments folder). but on that same note no one ever mentions anywhere else that he was directed by his girlfriend armenia balducci in a movie. lost media people need to get on this because then it would finally be time for me to make a gian maria feminism moments folder. sweet dreams. but the biography dedicates an entire chapter to the movie despite it being lost so women's rights are partially restored.

and after all the romy book ends with a quote about how the journey to your own self and to others takes light years and the volonté book with the acknowledgement that all these anecdotes and memories are limited because they don't give across the complexity of these experiences. which is kind of sweet

[illicien]

“Nobody asked about my writing” meme

Ohhh thank you so much for the tag @amethyst-noir! Having read these questions already I can tell this is going to become a pain in the ass to answer, bless you and thank you for the suffering.

 1: what are you currently working on? 

Far too many things. My writing tab currently has open:

One-Time Thing (third part in progress, but I have all of the parts in the same doc)

HS / Mafia AU Outline (when this starts becoming a thing more effectively I hope every single one of you is ready for me to be the most whiny bitch on the timeline; when my wife said "oh that sounds like it'll be 300k" I was like lol I've never written anything that long! But this outline... this fucking outline...)

Captured (inspired by a whump prompt, whether this comes into existence is entirely dependent upon the whims of my muse and they are feeling incredibly tempestuous of late.)

Seeing Double (This remains my comfort fic to sit back in because writing Stephen occasionally manages to help reset my brain when I get stuck.)

WB Hanahaki (I completely blame a combination of @winterbonesthings @six-demon-bag and @bicycleonfire for the fact that this even started to happen.)

To The Victors (This is literally the fic I've had open and been casually poking at now and then since before I even started OTT and whether it will be finished is also dependent upon the whims of my muse.)

And that's all WinterBaron shit I just have that I'm casually flicking through depending on what is best meeting my interests at any given hour of the day.

2: summarize your current project 

Which one? I'm literally gonna randomize 1-6 and find out which project we're summarizing.

Well okay then. Seeing Double it is:

With the sudden splitting of timelines and opening of the multiverse, some of HYDRA's experiments in other worlds have created strange pathways to other worlds; while HYDRA has been mostly dealt with in their active timeline, the elimination of a specific base has left Sam, Bucky, and Zemo faced with an actively Winter Soldiered Bucky Barnes. Not quite sure how to handle their new situation, and mildly unnerved by the fact that this Winter Soldier has decided that obeying Zemo of all people is the best choice, Sam suggests taking him to Doctor Strange - because if anyone's going to be able to figure out sending him back to his own dimension, a sorcerer seems like the best option.

3: summarize your current project poorly 

(Same project? Different project? Different project.)

Zemo's fucking pissed to realize that he's in love with someone again; he'd ignore it, if it wasn't literally killing him.

4: describe your favorite character or characters

Tea sluts.

Oh, did you want a better description? Well you aren't getting one. They're tea sluts. You think they're perfectly put together, incredibly in control, and that's exactly what they like you to think as they casually sip their tea and pretend they're only the most sophisticated of people.

But it takes about two seconds to turn them from sophisticated and in control into whining little bitches. And I love that for them.

5: post a line from your current project without any context 

They'd taken time to collect - the remnants of Ultron scattered in a distinctive display, pieces welded together in a manner both grotesque and hauntingly beautiful.

6: how do you get through writers block?

Skip to a different project for a little bit. Sometimes it's less that I'm blocked in terms of writing, and more that I'm stuck on a specific scene or story, and moving on until I'm stuck on something else makes it easier for me to return to whatever I was initially stuck on.

7: would you want to live in the world of your current work? 

No. Not any of them. No thank you. Especially not anything MCU adjacent. I'll skip on that, thanks.

8: briefly discuss your outlining process, if you outline 

My outlining process only really exists for fics that I am well aware / intend to be more than one chapter. For example, there was no real outline for OTT, and it did get away from me because of that, in part. That's why OTT turned into a series rather than just being multichapter.

When I do outline, however, I have a very specific set-up that involves first jotting down several notes from my brainstorming session as I typically bounce the initial concept off of someone. Many bullet points exist. From there, it's a matter of grouping them into relevant areas, and then breaking things down into chapters from that point. I'll occasionally make specific notes about particular dialogue pieces as related to specific bullet points. Before I do a final dive into starting to write pieces, I'll go over chapter bulletpoints again to see if there are any specific things that could use to be arranged elsewhere.

If I write without an outline for a multichapter story, we get chaos like Collared and Embraced which are both currently still sitting unfinished, despite my best efforts.

9: what is the aesthetic of your current project?

Okay so I'm gonna return to To The Victors for this one, even though I mentioned it once already earlier, because of all of them this one has a very visual set up.

Piercing suspension; human food trays; an old castle hall draped with purple silk and velvet; the contrast of highly mechanical chrome bits and pieces against elegant fabrics and stone walls

10: what song sums up your current work the best?

Ooo this is hard, especially since I decided to save this one specifically for the OTT finale...

We'll go with:

Tagging

Sending this one over to @six-demon-bag @winterbonesthings and @winterytrash cuz I'm sure y'all are working on something at least. @bicycleonfire too if you've got anything ongoing you wanna share 😉