#which is exhausting on its own
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Turned in my lab exam and the professor just looked at me and went "long day?" Dude, you have no fucking idea
#god today has been a mess and im so ready for it to be over#mondays already suck bc i have two 3-hour lectures back to back in the morning and then lab at night#which is exhausting on its own#but it just hasnt been a good day mentally either. so now all the little problems of the day are the end of the world#and i had several of those in my first lecture of the day#completely broke down by 11 am#and then that goddamn exam#and its not even over. i still have a bunch of shit i need to do tonight. but fuck it im not doing anything until after dinner#whenever that is#anyway im sorry for the vent and im sorry bc im not sure if im even making any sense#im probably overthinking#but i needed to get this out somewhere#snowys talking again
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Being a human is literally like this weird combo of being okay and not okay that goes on forever except there is also death
#(i'm fine)#(personally) (mostly) (really)#this has just been an absolutely terrible year for our planet and its people and animals#and it's fucking insane that as an american living in relative safety and comfort and experiencing the pleasures and guilt of that...#...i can experience this horrible yet ENTIRELY SURVIVABLE blend of acute pain over so many things at once#including war and genocide and the utter hopelessness of that#and also things like being really really sad that matthew perry's life was so hard and he died#and also so many bad and weird things have happened to family members this year but we mostly have the resources to come together and deal#which is amazing and bolstering and exhausting#and my brain still has space to be excited about writing and numb to writing and angry/impotent about writing#desperate for feedback yet private and retreat-y and weird#always hoping to hit upon The Perfect Thing :-/#and i live in a place that basically is not a democracy any more and also the u.s. is so cursed we've never been what we said we were#so a lot of my own perceived safety is incredibly fragile#but still so much more solid than what the people i am mourning for had#and none of the comparisons make a lick of sense and are in and of themselves deeply unfair#to the point that it's humiliating to feel guilt (making it about me) and simultaneously humiliating that i don't feel guilt *constantly*#and i have therapy this week but also this deep sense that while my therapist will be a fine person to talk to it will feel unuseful#i've always been a muddle of optimism and pessimism and i am very adamant that life is super beautiful and this is precisely why...#...all the violence in the world is so brutally devastating#it's just that the casserole of all these thoughts feels increasingly horrible#and feeling that way is 100% sane#and even intersectional frameworks and intentional attempts at gentleness only get you so far in the grapple#for meaning and for ideas of what to do#so i end up contacting my reps about various awful things#and zooming in and out on my fixations and having excellent days and terrible days#often dependent on what feels like a camera setting i only partially control#and i'm sure i'm not alone in feeling embarrassed that deep empathy and grief for people i've not met somehow ends up being...#...at least a sliver about ME and my little world#about me
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closing csp Before 11pm?????? maybe there is hope fr my sleep schedule yet...
#hina.txt#its been over 2 weeks of drawing into the early am#which is fun in a way shjgdf idk how normal it is to Like the feeling of bleary eyes and shaky hands and colours starting to look wrong#if i rly push i get to a point where its like i can Feel every iota of my own skin from underneath it#its freakyyyyy . that and my tummy rumble#but fr the vibe of night drawing is so cozy and liminal#plus exhaustion is a double edged sword fr creating i think#on one hand at some point i get so out of it that time flies n the piece flies#but also the work quality dips and i make sloppy mistakes#not tonight tho ! unless...?
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I give my grad speech in a week, have been writing a million versions of what I want to say in my head all year, talked to my mom last night, boy did she separate the wheat from the chaff.
#teaching tag#allskskskksksjsjs my mom one of the only people in the world who knows me and appreciates me but is not under the influence of my charm#even a little bit#skksksksksjsj actually my whole family is like this. which is a GIFT. and also something that can be so hard for me skskkdjdjdjdjdjjd#truly my most ruthless critics#but I wanted to cut things down in my own mind to the truest and most bare essentials#and that’s why I asked my mom! because I wanna get the core straightened out#will it end up being slightly more joke-y and vulnerable than she would like? yeah. but I am not my mom and cannot live as if I were#anyway have I thought too much about this speech? 100%. and wildly overestimated its actual importance#which is pretty small. so I have a week to wrangle myself back in line#idk i know it’s a good thing—the wave of excitement I can create#and I’ve had many people tell me they’re so looking forward to it etc.#but with it also comes a lot of pressure. a lot of pressure to be funny and to be charming#my own instinctive desire to fly too close to the sun and to take everybody on a ridiculous journey#but I want to go back to the core. especially in my teaching#it feels extremely important to me#anyway. what I need to do is let this go. and pray. and stop having a huge ego etc.#but it’s very hard because I am a self-obsessed narcissist who LOVES the sound of her own voice#I am also exhausted and have a lot of teaching/grading to do in the next week#sorry just processing thank you for listening
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the forest looks like heaven today i woke up feeling the heaviest weight at the top of my heart
#yesterday on the study they said they were dating two others and it was going well and i cant imagine fucking you but#you have great tits. they got upset at me not inviting them to a party. my research partner told me to write a 1000 word essay on why they#should come. they spoke about how much they wanted theiir ex and they wouldnt tell me much about who theyre dating bc#they thought i still had feelings for them which. god. theyre right but the assumption is so arrogant#the streams r rly beautiful im walking to a date and shes gorgeous and some of my friends know her but i look#exactly like ive slept on my friends floor for the past few days so . aaa anyway#god after that whole call i just felt so deflated like i felt over it but now its all . back. like seeing them being happy w smn else#inflicts active misery upon me which means ii think im becoming a worse person bc of them. i called my friend and i just . idk i walked home#i kept wanting to weep but . woah the sun is so pretty#there are petals and dandelion seeds floating in the air#med school students walking to their lectures#she does biochem btw. the person im meeting now#there are two butterflies dancing together. i cant make this shit up the past few days have looked like actual heaven#ive spent them being on survival mode and not even bc of my studies like ok focus on log functions while the person kn the screen#tells u abt how if her ex were to call shed fold immediately and the new girl is a singer and its going well and maybe ill tell you#more abt it in a few months. SO YOU KNOW IT HURTS ! SO WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME YOUD MAKE OUT W ME AT THE CLUB WHY WOULD U FALL ASLEEP NEXT TO#ME WITHOUT CLOTHES ON ! WHY WOULD YOU CARESS YOUR OWN SKIN LOOKING AT ME IN THE MIRROR !!!!#anyway im like . sane.#i just . felt like it was over#i realised i kept seeing ppl who i thought were more attractive etc etc than her bc i needed to prove to myself#that im attractive enough to be liked or that i can be liked at all and a part of me wanted to prove it to them too#its just a horrible mindset to have and yh not only do they not care but they also bring out the worst in me actively like . I DONT KNOW#BUT THEN WHO ELSE KNOWS THAT THE GOLDEN HOURS IN TEHRAN ARE PINK AND LILAC WHO GOES TO TECHNO RAVES AT THE BASE OF DAMAVAND#WHO CAN PIN YOU AGAINST A WALL LIKE THEM !!!#anyway#standing up it just feels so#exhausting#like this the most exhausted ive felt from all this ever
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Getting out of a writing slump feels quite similar to rising from your coffin like a vampire. Which I am btw
#sophie speaks#wrote almost 500 words for www today which isnt a lot but im proud of myself#i just needa like. hack my brain or whatever i can do it#tbf next chapter is not coming for a while because april beat me up very bad#i was sick for the entire month and i had other stuff happen that exhausted me completely ut was horrendous#so next chapter has only 2k of it written and its all the easy parts#i like. gotta come to terms with my own disability being... disabling#like yeah man it does that#but i wrote 800 words today in total and hones thats more than i couldve hoped for#and we be staying optimistic!!
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...
#ugh. im so tried. why is crying so exhausting? i havent done anything. this is bullshit#we went from a slow motion breakdown to full on freakout meltdown today#luckily no one was around in the lab this morning bc i couldnt stop crying#so i went to the counseling center and made myself their problem#canceled my committee meeting. which everyone tells me is fine. its all fine#think about going home for a while they say. maybe tell ur dad ur having a bad time thry say#but im so tired. and i dont kno what to do and its all falling apart#i just feel like im brushing up against the limits of what i can do intellectually and its like well where do i go from here?#what do i do with my old data? how do i move my project forward? whats the point of any of this?#why did i put myself in this position? would taking a leave even help? id still have to come back to the same mess#its just so frustrating bc theres no solution ill find satisfying. everything just sucks.#idk what my advisor even told my committee. bc we were supposed to meet tomorrow morning. ugh. it would have been so bad#it also sucks bc im so drained that i can just feel my own weight when im trying to talk to ppl#like u kno when ur being a wet blanket but u dont kno how to fix it. like srry my vibes r wretched. maybe im just stuck like this#i dunno. my dad invited us home for a week in july and also plans to come out to visit me in August. but that seems like a long time away#i dunno what im gonna do. what a disaster#unrelated
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thinking thoughts
#mia's ramblings#thinking abt that one time i was so uncomfortable with my friend's pda thing that i left them behind at the koi pond#like i literally just. stood up. started walking away#i still have no idea why it made me uncomfortable and even now just thinking about it makes me sick#for some reason idrk#also thinking about those times where i was so mentally exhausted from everything that i didnt have the energy to stand up so i just#didnt go to school#obviously i told people i was “sick” or “masakit pakiramdam ko” etc which i mean#its a half truth? atleast ???#and thinking about how i just want to avoid Her bc i do Not want to be dealing with their relationship problems at 6am but yk#the moment she starts up conversation i just#put those thoughts at the back of my head and pretend like im not fucking tired of her bullshit#i could be so. mentally drained. to the point that i just avoid everyone by going to coop on my own or going to 7-11 just to Breathe#but the moment someone talks to me like jack or salve or heck even kui my brain just. forces itself to act “normal” and by normal i mean no#-mentally drained yk?#like the moment literally anyone starts talking to me the thoughts of being mentally tired just get pushed back and idrk how to tell people#-that im mentally exhausted without sounding rude so i just#let my brain just bottle it up until im so tired mentally that i literally cannot function#i think its called being overstimulated? yea#which yeah basically this shit happens every. day. until my brain just goes nope youre shutting down no school for today also youre getting#-a fever too#which like??? idk why it happens???#and its not like i dont want to talk to them either#like#obviously i do#but talking to anyone when im like this makes it feel like an obligation#which fucking sucks because i dont like being obligated to do stuff i just want to do it because well#i want to??#and i feel bad for peewee bc usually he'll talk to me when im at my limit so my responses are very short and yea#this is why i always say 'im tired' whenever people ask how im doing
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#trying to explain to people that anti zionism isn't antisemitism is exhausting on its own#but when those people are your parents who randomly call you in the middle of the day to yell at you for going to your schools encampment#i am so fucking tired of everyone.#'you're making them feel unsafe' and that's more important than the palestians who are actually being killed? which is why these protests#fucking exist in the first place? are you that fucking removed from reality that that's the only thing you care about?#this is such an old conversation we just have to keep having over and over again bc nobody listens#and the fact that it's my parents just makes me extra upset bc they know the exact way to betittle me and make me feel small#shut up hanna
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i am FUCKING pissed about the feral cat situation yet again
#killed the fledgling bird ive been happily watching be nurtured by its parents over the last few weeks#and which had just started out trying small flights on its own#i guess technically i managed to chase the cat off before it finished the job but the baby is almost certainly going to die#almost all the feathers on the back half of its body were ripped out and it had a large bleeding gash down its back#if the wound isnt fatal the bacteria from the cat teeth and claws will be and it got out of sight so i cant even find/help it#i hate it!!!!! i hate it that a group of 'animal lovers' can just decide the rest of the cities wildlife doesnt matter and deserve to die#just because they get sad 100 cats a year or whatever were humanely put down in shelters#first nubfoot my beloved one footed dove and now the baby :(((((#ive tried trapping ive tried deterrant sprays ive tried plants they dont like the smell of ive tried chasing it off every time i see it#nothing works!!!!! it does not care. and no it cannot be taken to a shelter. they just dump them back where they were collected#thats how TNR works. makes it everyones problem and lets the cats die miserably of heat exhaustion at 115º in june instead#bc apparently thats the nicer thing to do i guess#anyway keep your FUCKING cats inside#not sure if it also got one of the parents :(((((( have only seen one dove kind of looking around trying to find its family#:((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
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starting to think this website is bad for my mental health.....
#⚠️#personal#everytime i come on here and read a post thats discourse its like entering a boss battle against my ocd#like fuck! not again!!#i dont know the answer and my brains yelling at me if i dont reblog fast enough im a bad person and i cant scroll by either causr thatll#make me a bad person whos ignoring what seems to be an obvious problem and now im FUCKED!!!#yeah maybe i could just unfollow discourse people but theyre half the people i follow and also some of my mutuals and like#its not like i dont care about issues its just hard to engage with anything on here when my own mind keeps yelling at me im a horrible#person for not reblogging whatever new queer discourse post has appeared on my dash#its exhausting!#i wish spaces online were more ocd friendly! but they never will be! cause social media thrives off reactionary aggressive shit like#''reblog this or youre a TERRIBLE PERSON'' and even when the op isnt saying that and is like calmly explaining things or at least from what#i can gather from their tone over the internet which is hard to judge that voice is still in my head like people on here will label you a#shitty person for not reblogging certain posts and that scares me and my ocd so bad!#i do care its just hard to want to engage with anything when everyones so angry all the time#yeah people can be justified in that anger but still for people like me who struggle with moral ocd its hard#ive been considering jsut not reblogging discourse but i want to show solidarity with people this discourse is about#i want to show i care cause i do its just hard like#i feel like half the shit i reblog on here is a compulsion#yeah maybe i should spend less time on here but even when im trying to do that i still scroll on my dash for maybe like 5 minutes and ive#already been hit with like 20 different discourse posts#i jsut came on here for gotham fan content idk man
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im a little sad today
#i wish i was a little more functional. that i could understand integrals. that i could finish my projects on time and not get distracted or#bored or upset five minutes in. that i could write everything i want to write without getting exhausted. that i could draw everything#i wanted to without feeling dread and like. idk. maintain something? that i could keep a routine without getting tired of it immediately#that there was enough time in the day to do everything i have and want to do and also sleep and eat and drink and keep clean on time#and be like. healthy. i wish applying for school and aid didnt actively fill me with dread. i wish it didnt feel like so much effort to make#a future for myself. i wish i could be like the others i know who seem to have such a clear and light weight mind unimpeded by roadblocks#i wish i could see my family more often. i wish they would respond when i ask after them. i wish i wasnt filled with panic everytime they#dont because i know that things arent the way they were but i cant seem to let that go even though its been years. i hate that the panic#doesnt go away. i wish i was fine living without them. i wish i was fine on my own. i wish i wasnt so detached to others and that i wasnt so#attached to the ones i love. i wish things were easier and so many things feel out of sight and i KNOW thats not true. i KNOW there is#something there waiting for me and i will be taken care of. i know everything will be fine and nothing is hopeless#but still it feels that way and i hate complaining about my feelings but its not wrong to feel and i know this.#somehow the repetitiveness of my feeling makes me just as tired as if someone else was talking to me about their problems all the time#which is so stupid. idk.#delete later#hanancouldyounot
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I’ve been struggling so much recently regarding social interactions, keeping conversations online, honestly have no idea how people have the social battery
#ive been diggin myself into a hole because ive just not replied to friends#ive been soooo avoidant with dealing with it#which is so bad#and i know im an ass for that#my social battery is literally 0#ive not been used to being in contact rveryday in person with people and its been so different for me#since i see my partner almost every day and i see the one friend i have in the area the other days#and still try to have my days to myself#i feel like im drained even thinking about having conversations online or through social media#like a video call is better#but im sl exhausted with the idea of texting#anyone else feel like this?#i know its my own wrongdoings and im causing people to justifiably be angry with ne
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also! also! i have a job! i forgot to tell u!! i work at a nursery 3 days a week!! :D
#im fucking exhausted#bc its more social interaction than ive had in about 4 years#so going to bed at 9 is becoming a thing because my body cant sustain sleep st midnight and getting up at 6:30#anyway! its fun and i like it and i got paid today so i have my own money which i earned#and i have to remind myself that this is a huge fucking deal!#for someone that hates the idea of working and is truly scared they're gonna burn out in a month#this is a big deal! i should be proud!
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this might not be a common opinion but I legitimately fucking love emails. As someone who's really bad at navigating social spaces emails are an absolute blessing, there's a designated structure and vocabulary for it, there are templates available online for almost any type of email. It makes social interaction so much easier when the interaction fprmat comes with clear cut and well defined rules that you can google idk
#plus the fact that you dont have to come up with it on the fly like with phone calls or face to face comm#you can write it out#read back over it#make adjustment or rewrites as needed#and then deliver it when you feel like its ready#texting is too fast and theres no rules for it#like theres no tutorial articles online for how to hold a texting convo#and esp when u take texting styles into account#everyone texts differently so there literally Is Not a universal trick for it you have to adjust your own style for every different convo#which is so exhausting#emails on the other hand#there is a specific Way™ that emails are written#a format that everyone has to follow and that just makes communication so much easierrrrr#emails are great. actually#and im tired of pretending theyre not
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#my art#ive been so jsvgjsnsndjbdjks#just a big ol jumble of kahsjdbskdhi#and i wanna draw more but im so uninspired aahhaah#i kinda wanna do some studies or smth but ahhhh idk i also just wanna lie in bed when i can#i so tire#but being lazy and bored is also so exhausting haha it feeds itself#so yeah itd be good to try to push myself a bit in my free time to do smth kinda fun chill engaging#its crazy bc theres so much that i could be doing but i have such a hard time being self motivated...#so outside motivation like work or friends is the only reason i do literally anything#which sucks bc i have a lot of things id like to be able to do on my own but yeah. idk why its so hard to do things for myself#that being said if anyone sees this and wants to do lil drawing challenges or trades or smth together that might be niceee#im sort of painfully shy online haha tho im not so much irl#i think the thing abt it for me is the feeling of creating these lil digital footprints#like if i send a message or make a post its just preserved like that... forever.. actually i recently looked at emails from my childhood#and its really cool to see a slice of the past like that but still. idk why it bothers me tbh. i just never got used to it#memories fade and warp over time right? so it really feels like existing in the world and talking to people is just a passing moment#it doesnt really feel that way w the internet. as small and insignificant these small imprints might be#and im really just being neurotic but yeah. maybe i dont like the feeling of taking up space and slowly widening it with every little step#yea thats neurotic fr LOLL#anyways im really rambling away in these tags haha but if ima post this art anyway its such a good excuse to ramble into a void :D#and a good way to practice existing on the internet. im sure ill get used to it
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