#while i’m still getting used to the other songs i’m surprised that half the album appeals to me 🤣

[neo-shitty]

i wanted to be a golden age hater so bad…

[likeadevils]

Speak Now Timeline

This is a very long post that puts all the songs on Speak Now in order of Taylor creating them. I’ve also added a few other songs she wrote while writing Speak Now and quotes from Taylor and her collaborators talking about her process.

If you don't want to read all that, check out this playlist of the album in order or this playlist of her entire discography.

Due to a surprising amount of digital decay and her life not being highly documented yet, exact dates are bit harder to come by then they are with following albums, but you can still find a few! I’ve added this color coded scale of how sure I am of the date: 

Confirmed: There is some type of official source for the date

Inferring: Nobody has officially said “This is when we wrote it,” but everything points to that date

Speculation: This date is based off pure vibes and guesswork and is highly likely to change.

Unknown: All that is known is the year (from the US Copyright Offices)

More notes: I will probably be editing it as information about vault songs and new details about old songs get come out, so it probably won’t be finished until July, so check back in with this post and/or follow me if you want updates. Most tweet dates come from crawling through the wayback machine, but if you want further sourcing, feel free me an ask/dm.

Without further ado...

Sparks Fly: Late 2006 (Inferring)

Taylor opened up for Jake Owen on October 31, 2006 In Portland, Oregon (the secret message for the song), and wrote Sparks Fly about the experience shortly after. I’ve seen a few second hand sources say she wrote it on the airplane ride back to Nashville later that same night, but I can’t find Taylor herself saying that, so it might just be an old fandom legend, or the source has been lost to digital decay, or I just haven’t looked hard enough. She first performs the song in May 29, 2007.

Haunted: 2009 (Unknown)

Taylor: "Haunted" is about the moment that you realize the person you're in love with is drifting and fading fast. And you don't know what to do, but in that period of time, in that phase of love, where it's fading out, time moves so slowly. Everything hinges on what that last text message said, and you're realizing that he's kind of falling out of love. That's a really heartbreaking and tragic thing to go through, because the whole time you're trying to tell yourself it's not happening. I went through this, and I ended up waking up in the middle of the night and writing this song about it.

February 17, 2009: Tweets "It's 3:58 am in London.. And I accidentally fell asleep at 6:30 pm, so now I'm wide awake and have no idea what to do. Write a song?"

It’s possible that this was what Taylor was referring to when she said she “ended up waking up in the middle of the night and writing [Haunted]”, but it’s also very possible that Taylor didn’t write a song on February 17, and waking up in the middle of the night and writing a song is not a rare occurrence in Taylor’s life, so one tweet doesn’t really prove anything.

March 13, 2009: Tweets "A day off in Sydney. Drove two hours out of the city and spent the day on the beach. Wrote a chorus you'll hear on the next record. :)"

Pure speculation, but I think she was working on Mr. Perfectly Fine. It was created in 2009, and in my opinion, of the possible songs it has the most notable chorus.

March 19, 2009: Posts on Myspace “I’m wiped out. I’ve been in the studio all day ( I know, I know.. We JUST put out a new album. I think I have a problem, I cannot stop writing songs.) It’s so much fun knowing that you can take your time, because you have like a year and a half to make something you’re really proud of. I love recording a few songs, waiting a few months, recording a few more.. Instead of devoting a few weeks to “record the album” and then it’s just done. I like dragging it out, that way you can be meticulous about every detail. Daydream about different ways to put the songs together, and then take them apart. I’m pretty obsessed with the whole process. So needless to say, it was good to be back in the studio with my redheaded producer who I missed terribly.”

If This Was A Movie: April 2009 (Inferring)

Taylor has literally never talked about this song, but April would be six months after and Joe Jonas broke up in late September/early October 2008.

April 24, 2009: Taylor plays in Jonesboro, Arkansas, and possibly writes a song: "I'd get my best ideas at 3:00 AM in Arkansas, and didn't have a co-writer around and I'd just finish it. And that would happen again in New York [likely Enchanted], that would happen again in Boston [likely Long Live], that would happen again in Nashville." (x)

May 23, 2009: Taylor records Half Of My Heart with John Mayer

On March 1, 2009: John Mayer tweeted: “Waking up to this song idea that won’t leave my head. 3 days straight now. That means it’s good enough to finish. It’s called Half of My Heart and I want to sing it with Taylor Swift. She would make a killer Stevie Nicks in contrast to my Tom Petty of a song.” On May 23, John Mayer tweeted "I couldn't get Taylor Swift on my record so I found the world's greatest impersonator, Laura Jacksheimer" with a picture of Taylor.

Superman: Spring 2009 (Speculation)

This could have been written any time in 2009, but due to it's general sound and the following quote, I’d guess it was written sometime in spring, when her and John Mayer first started working together. Taylor: “This was a guy that I was sort of enamored with, as usual. This song got its title by something that I just kinda said randomly in conversation. He walked out of the room, I looked over at one of my friends and said, ‘Man, It’s just like watching Superman fly away.’”

May 29, 2009: Posts on Myspace “Tomorrow, after the performance on the Today show, I’ll fly back to Nashville and record a lot of new songs I’ve written in the last few weeks. I’m really excited about that.” (She also posts "Tonight I went shopping at Top Shop in New York with the band. I got purple shoes. I’m really excited about the purple shoes, and I just needed to tell someone. I got purple shoes. Ok. That’s done." Which. If I had a nickel for everytime Taylor teased her new album by posting about shoe colors I'd have two nickels, which isnt a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.)

June 4, 2009: Posts on Facebook "In the studio. I don't know whose computer I'm using. Pssh.. Such a rebel right now.."

June 9, 2009: Tweets (about recording Thug Story) "If I said I was in the studio with T-Pain, would you believe me?"

Better Than Revenge and Let’s Go (Battle): June 2009 (Inferring)

These were probably written sometime between June 12, when the Jonas Brothers released “Much Better”, and July 1, when Taylor posted on Myspace: “What else is new.. Recording a bunch of new songs. Lots of new things to write about…..”

Last Kiss: 2009 (Unknown)

Taylor: "The song "Last Kiss" is sort of like a letter to somebody. You say all of these desperate, hopeless feelings that you have after a breakup. Going through a breakup you feel all of these different things. You feel anger, and you feel confusion, and frustration. Then there is the absolute sadness. The sadness of losing this person, losing all the memories, and the hopes you had for the future. There are times when you have this moment of truth where you just admit to yourself that you miss all these things. When I was in one of those moments I wrote this song."

July 22, 2009: Tweets "Hanging with my producer Nathan, discussing the next adventure" and then in a separate tweet "...album #3."

Never Grow Up: Fall 2009 (Speculation)

Lover Diary Nathan Chapman: "The song 'Never Grow Up' is just she singing and I on acoustic guitar. We recorded ourselves live. That song probably happened in two hours." This could’ve been written at any time in 2009, but I put it here because she bought her Nashville apartment sometime before October.

September 8, 2009: Tweeted "Last night in nash before heading out tomorrow for 4 shows, then VMA's. But right now I can't put the guitar down."

September 13, 2009: VMAs Incident

Enchanted: September 15, 2009 (Confirmed)

On September 15, Taylor attended an Owl City Concert in New York Taylor: "It was about this guy that I met in New York City, and I had talked to him on email or something before, but I had never met him. And meeting him, it was this overwhelming feeling of: I really hope that you're not in love with somebody. And the whole entire way home, I remember the glittery New York City buildings passing by, and then just sitting there thinking, am I ever going to talk to this person again? And that pining away for a romance that may never even happen, but all you have is this hope that it could, and the fear that it never will. I started writing that in the hotel room when I got back. Because it just was this positive, wistful feeling of: I hope you understand just how much I loved meeting you. I hope that you know that meeting you was not something that I took lightly, or just in passing. And I think my favorite part of that song is the part where, in the bridge, it goes to sort of a stream of consciousness of ‘Please don't be in love with someone else/Please don't have somebody waiting on you.' Because at that moment, that's exactly what my thoughts were. And it feels good to write exactly what your thoughts were in a certain moment.”

September 26, 2009: Taylor plays in Little Rock, Arkansas, and possibly writes a song: "I'd get my best ideas at 3:00 AM in Arkansas, and didn't have a co-writer around and I'd just finish it. And that would happen again in New York [Enchanted & Back To December], that would happen again in Boston [Long Live], that would happen again in Nashville." (x)

October 17, 2009: Tweets "Travis: you look so out of it. Me: I'm writing a song in my head. Travis: oh, I apologize. I didn't realize you were working."

November 30, 2009: Tweets "If I had a dime for every time my producer and I blurt out the same thing at the same time, followed by an awkward, uncoordinated high five..."

Ours: December 6, 2009 (Inferring)

Myspace Post on December 6: “I just got back to Nashville this morning after being in LA all week. Today I was out and about and in the studio all day” Taylor: "I wrote this when I was about to turn 20. I was in a relationship I knew people wouldn't approve of, and it was just a matter of time before everyone found out. When you're first getting to know someone, it's a fragile time, and then you add newspapers and magazine covers and it can get kind of rough. I wanted to have this song to play for him when it got difficult. Singing it for him was one of the sweetest moments I can remember."

December 22, 2009: Tweets "I was writing a song and my pen fell into the piano. Still trying to figure out if I should do anything about this."

January 2010: Starts polishing up the demos made in 2009 into fully produced tracks

Billboard: "Swift and Chapman had begun recording new songs almost as soon as "Fearless" was released. The two cut demos in his basement studio and would only take those songs to larger facilities once they felt they had an emotional foundation in the basic tracks. Still, it wasn’t until early 2010 when the album truly began to coalesce." Nathan Chapman: "We stripped it down and made the demos first. Taylor came to my studio and I played all the instruments on the demos, and because I have a good vocal booth, her demo vocals ended up being the vocals you hear on the record. After finishing the demos, we went out to different studios, and tried different combinations of engineers and musicians to replace some of the elements of my demos, mostly the programmed drums, and to do additional overdubs. [...] A pop artist would probably release what we'd done after five hours, but country artists don't want to hear programmed drums, they don't want to hear fake stuff. So once we had recorded the demos, we would book whatever studio we wanted for each song, to replace the drums, in many cases the bass, and to add whatever overdubs we envisioned, like fiddle, keyboards, percussion and strings. After we got the demos right, we opened it up and allowed ourselves to spend money and cut a big record." Taylor tweets on January 11: "Studio-ness with all the same boys who played on Fearless" and on January 13: "More recording. So excited. So excited. So excited. See, I said that three times. Once for every album we've made in this studio."

January 13, 2010: Posts on Myspace “Thank you January. I have had this month off. I have walked on snow-covered grass and discovered new coffee shops and laughed hysterically with friends about things that probably weren’t technically funny. I’ve written songs on napkins and sat at a giant table with my whole family on my mother’s birthday, all of us in one place for the first time in too long. I’ve gotten to take what has happened to me and process it to my full capability, and celebrate it the way it deserved to be celebrated. I’ve made new music. I’ve gone over the memories and jumped up and down with my producer and floated around with nothing on my schedule other than just appreciating what my life has somehow turned into. [...] Getting back in the studio with the same guys I trust and know and love.. (right, the pointing one: my producer Nathan Chapman) (Left, the waving one: Bass extraorinaire, Tim Marks. Clearly marked on his road case.) [...] Nick Buddha is in charge of the drums.”

February 22, 2010: Posts on Myspace "I’ve been writing lots of songs"

February 13, 2010: Writes in her diary "I’ve been obsessing over the new album. I always do that until it’s just right. I don’t know if I have the formula just right for this one yet. I know there are great songs. I just need to figure out the strands that bond them together into a great album. And I will obsess until it’s there. This album, any album, is the next 2 years of my life. It has to be more than amazing. It has to be great enough to keep my attention for 2 years."

Mine: March 10-12 2010 (Inferring)

Taylor (above interview, at 5:17): "I wrote Mine somewhere on the road, I think in Texas, actually." Nathan Chapman: "The demo for 'Mine' apparently took less than five hours to record, and sounded, according to Chapman, "almost identical to the record. After that we worked on the track for another four months, off and on, and spent $30,000 to make sure it sounded perfect in the real world."" Taylor: "This song is the first single because it has this…there was this moment between Nathan and I, my producer, when I brought this song in and when we made this demo in one day in his basement and we just kinda looked at each other and we were like, "This is it. This is the one. All of the times that I've had "The Moment" with songs of "This is the one," it's been a good call, so I'm hoping for the best on this one. Wish me luck." Scott Borchetta: "Mine" was a turning point in the album’s development. Swift and Chapman had begun recording new songs almost as soon as "Fearless" was released. The two cut demos in his basement studio and would only take those songs to larger facilities once they felt they had an emotional foundation in the basic tracks. Still, it wasn’t until early 2010 when the album truly began to coalesce. Swift presented "Mine" to Borchetta in his office [...] "We probably played that song four or five times," Borchetta recalls. "I’m jumping around playing air guitar, she’s singing the song back to me, and it was just one of those crazy, fun, Taylor teen-age moments."

March 13, 2010: Taylor records Mine, brings it to Scott Borchetta, and says she’s done with TS3

Scott Borchetta: "I said, ‘Keep going,’ [...] She kind of looked at me like, ‘You’re challenging me.’ And I said, ‘Yeah. You’ve found true north here. Keep going.’ " Taylor: “During Speak Now, when I went to (label head) Scott Borchetta and said, 'The album’s finished,’ he said, 'No, it’s not – you need to keep writing.’” (Right after playing in Texas, Taylor leaves for a vacation in the Bahamas, meaning Taylor likely had about a day in Nashville between the two trips).

Innocent: Late March 2010 (Inferring)

Billboard: “It was some time in the period after that challenge — between February and June — that Swift wrote “Innocent,” her response to the Kanye West incident.​​” Taylor: “Some songs take 30 minutes to write, and some take six months, which was the case with “Innocent.” When things affect me intensely and really hit me hard, it can take a while to figure out what I think about it and what to say about it.” (March would be just over 6 months since the VMAs).

March 24, 2010: Taylor goes lunch with Taylor Lautner and both of their publicists, inspiring Back To December.

Taylor: Swift says she based the song on a conversation she had with the guy about whom she's singing. "It's not loosely based," she says. "It's almost word-for-word. It is a song and a conversation that needed to happen, because I don't want to hurt people. If you unintentionally do so, you've got to make that better."

Speak Now: Early April, 2010 (Inferring)

On April 3, Taylor attended the wedding of Josh Farro as Hayley Williams (who is Josh's ex) plus one. That day she also tweeted: ""Nathan you smell really good! Is that a new cologne?" "Thanks! Actually it's a two in one shampoo and soap. From Dial." My producer rules." implying she was in the studio. The conversation below could have happened any day after the VMA awards in September, when Hayley first reached out to Taylor, but I think Taylor probably wrote the song fairly close to naming the album after it. Taylor: "This song was inspired by one of my friends who was telling me about her childhood sweetheart, crush guy. They were kind of together in high school and went their separate ways, and it was kind of understood that they were gonna get back together. Then, she one day comes in and tells me he's getting married. He had met this girl who was just this mean person who made him completely stop talking to all of his friends, cut off his family, had him like so completely isolated. And I just, kind of randomly, was like, "So, you gonna speak now?" She was like, "What do you mean?" And I was like "Oh, you know, like storm the church, speak now or forever hold your peace? I'll go with you. I'll play guitar. It would be great." She was just kind of laughing, and later on I just was wrapping my mind around that idea of how tragic it would be if someone you loved was marrying somebody else. Later I had a dream about one of my ex-boyfriends getting married, and it just all came together that I needed to write this song about interrupting a wedding. For me, I like to think of it as good versus evil, and this girl is so completely painted as the evil one. So this is "Speak Now.""

April 13, 2010: Names TS3 Speak Now

Lover Diaries: "So I’ve been obsessing over the new record to the point where it’s all I can focus on. I’m majorly stressed and borderline losing it, with all these lists and chronic dissatisfaction. Perfectionist-ness. I keep growing tired of songs because I know I’ve raised the bar and I can beat half the songs. Scott and I had lunch the other day. We were talking about the record and I had this epiphany. I didn’t talk in interviews about how I felt about much of what has happened in the last 2 years. I’ve been silent about so much that I’m saying on this album. It’s time to Speak Now. Scott freaked out. He loved it. We have a title, ladies and gentlemen!" Scott Borchetta: ""At one point, the record was not called ‘Speak Now.’ It was called ‘Enchanted,’ [...] We were at lunch, and she had played me a bunch of the new songs. I looked at her and I’m like, ‘Taylor, this record isn’t about fairy tales and high school anymore. That’s not where you’re at. I don’t think the record should be called "Enchanted."’” Swift excused herself from the table at that point. By the time she came back, she had the "Speak Now" title"

Dear John: Spring 2010 (Speculation)

This was likely written sometime after February 2010 (Taylor implies she's single in her vlog and her diary). Beyond that, it could have been anytime between February and June 2010.

Brief Interruption: The next two songs (Back to December and Mean) are going to use quotes from this interview that @1989worldtour found. If you've already listened to the interview attached to the Mine section, then it's the same interview

Back To December: Early May, 2010 (Inferring)

Taylor (above interview, at 5:12): "Back to December was written in New York City. Taylor was in New York city from May 3-5, and May 12-15 2010. she was not photographed in New York any other time in early 2010, and given her busy touring schedule, I doubt she was in New York at another time. USA TODAY: “Swift says she based the song on a conversation she had with the guy about whom she's singing. "It's not loosely based," she says. "It's almost word-for-word. It is a song and a conversation that needed to happen, because I don't want to hurt people. If you unintentionally do so, you've got to make that better."”

Mean: May 29, 2010 (Speculation)

Taylor (above interview, about 6 minutes in): "I started this song called Mean on my, like sitting on my kitchen counter, just playing it, and then, you know, took a plane and flew to the venue where we were gonna play that night and finished it in the dressing room." Now, this may be a too literal interpretation of "took a plane and flew to the venue where we were gonna play that night," but if we want to theorize: the only tour date (that Taylor could've conceivably written Mean during) without another show right before or after it was in Baton Rogue on May 29, 2010.

Long Live: June 2010 (Confirmed)

Lover Diary She likely wrote this around June 5, when she ended the Fearless Tour at Gillette Stadium (Wikipedia counts two festivals as being part of the Fearless Tour but Taylor doesn't, so I'm going with her opinion), since she said that she wrote a song for Speak Now in Boston (which is the closest major city to Gillette)

The Story Of Us: June 9-16, 2010 (Confirmed)

Taylor attended the CMT Awards (Which goes on to be the secret message for The Story Of Us) on June 9 and was sat very close to John Mayer. Taylor: "The people closest to me are used to me deserting a conversation and bolting into some corner of the room with my phone out, hunched over, singing some melody or lyric or hook into my phone. I wrote “The Story of Us” about running into an ex at an awards show, and I came home and sat down at a kitchen table and told my mom, “I felt like I was standing alone in a crowded room.” She tried to console me, but I was gone at that point." Lover Diary: "So I’ve been a little studio rat since the tour ended [...] Ever since, I wake up to my cell phone alarm around 9:30 each morning. Throw on a sundress, skip make up, tie my hair in a messy side braid, and head out the door with no shoes on. Because the only walking outside I’ll be doing is from my house to my car, then from my car, three steps to Nathan’s basement studio. [...] I worked on a song for a few days, then basically finished it in the car on the way to Nathan’s this morning. It. Is. So. Good. And I can safely say I am DONE writing this record!! This song is up-tempo, and hooky and sort of torn-sounding … like this horrible stressed confusion that comes on when you knew the person you’re pining away for is in the room. And for some reason, there are these invisible walls keeping things from being ok. So you’re not fine. And they’re not fine. And I’m so happy I wrote that song!! Footage of Taylor working on TSOU

June 30, 2010: Taylor tweets “@amosjheller is SLAYING a bass part in the studio right now. http://twitpic.com/21am7t” 

Footage Nathan Chapman: “We tried several bassists until we had a bass part that worked, which was played by Amos Heller, of Taylor's live band. In Nashville, it's rare for a road musician to be on the record, but he earned his way into this record by kicking ass. In fact, all Taylor's road musicians played some parts on the album, which was important for me and her.”

July 15, 2010: The orchestra for Back To December and Haunted are recorded (footage here, same outfit as these candids)

Taylor (talking about Haunted): “I wanted the music and the orchestration to reflect the intensity of the emotion the song is about, so we recorded strings with Paul Buckmaster at Capitol Studios in Los Angeles. It was an amazing experience - recording this entire big, live string section that I think in the end really captured the intense, chaotic feeling of confusion I was looking for."

And that's all for this timeline! Check out my others:

TIMELINES: debut • fearless • speak now • red • 1989 • rep • lover • folklore • evermore • midnights PLAYLISTS: debut • fearless • speak now • red • 1989 • rep • lover • folklore • evermore • midnights • entire discography GENERAL: tag

[piratefalls]

i'm sure everyone's tired of my rambling at the beginning of these, so let's just get to it. new list every wednesday!

list one. list two.

Even If It's Just Pretend by nontoxic

“The queen wants to show that the Prince and the First Son are still deeply in love and committed to their countries.” Ellen swallows. “They want you to go on a tour of the Commonwealth together, to get the public to see those emails not as a sex scandal, but an invasion of privacy of a wholesome, loving relationship.” “It was an invasion of privacy,” Alex says. He swallows. “Did they say what would happen if we say no?” Ellen’s lips pinch tightly at the corners. “Then they will issue a full denial and Henry will tour the commonwealth himself.” Alex doesn't hesitate. “Tell them we’ll do it. I’m not gonna let him do this alone." It would kill him. Henry hates this shit. The public parading, the judgment. Having to do all of that, and deny who he is? Alex at least wants to be there, to hold his hand through it. Even if it's just as a friend. It might kill Alex to pretend, but that’s a small price to pay to ensure Henry—his beautiful, vibrant, funny-as-hell, brilliant ex-not-quite-boyfriend—isn’t killed instead. --- or, the alex-never-goes-to-kensington-after-the-lake-house, exes-to-fake-dating-to-lovers fic.

I've carried this song in my mind by kiwiana

Henry lays eyes on Alex Claremont-Diaz for the first time in Rio, and it sends such a shockwave of longing and terror into the universe that Arthur feels it. Or, five times Arthur tries to get Alex and Henry together from beyond the grave, and one time two times his intervention isn’t needed.

Bear with me by phlebotinxm

The first time it happened, Henry was not having it. “For the last time, I’m not helping you shave your arse.” — In which Alex is very hairy, and Henry sort of has a thing for it. Not that he'd admit it, though.

Taking Control of the Histories by Qwert33

Singer ACD and Prince Henry announce their engagement to each other. The internet reacts. (+ the months after, a new album, resurfacing of old interviews, and public online flirting.)

Lost and Found by milowren

Pez turns to hand him his ticket, raising an eyebrow over one of his unsettling blue eyes. “It’s either too terrifying for you or too juvenile. It can’t be both.” “I’m not terrified,” Henry says sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. But as soon as the crowd in front of them clears and he’s able to see the entrance to the maze, he’s forced to recant that statement. Because standing just off to the side in the shadow of a giant inflatable jack-o-lantern, along with two girls that Henry vaguely recognizes through their costumes, is the most terrifying thing Henry has seen so far tonight. Alex Claremont-Diaz. ****** Alex and Henry are coworkers, Henry has a crush, and they end up at a haunted corn maze together a few nights before Halloween. Shenanigans ensue! Plus many horror movie references.

you handle it beautifully by HypnosTheory

“And I may have an idea for the libido problem too.” Henry sighs. “I don’t think this has risen to the level of therapy just because I can’t get hard.” “First off, nothing has to rise to the level of therapy, there’s no threshold for misery,” Alex says, parroting the words his therapist has told him about half a million times. “But no, I wasn’t thinking about therapy.” Henry raises a brow. “I was thinking we try party drugs.” - Alex, discovering Henry is having a hard time getting out of his head enough to enjoy sex, has a clear solution: recreational drug use! While on the road to self-discovery and self-actualization, Henry surprises Alex more than once. (3 times Henry surprised Alex + 1 time Alex shocked him right back)

Thirst Tweets & Mean Tweets [FOR APPROVAL] by loveonpurpose

MEMO: Official Transcript of Alex Claremont-Diaz and HRH Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor for BuzzFeed, Inc. Original video title: "Prince Henry Reads Thirst Tweets / FSOTUS Reads Mean Tweets" (2021). Filmed February 20, 2021. Approval status: PENDING This transcript is strictly confidential and may contain privileged and proprietary information, which is protected under applicable laws and intended solely for the use of The White House and Buckingham Palace.

in the shadow of two gunmen by matherine

There are over four hundred and thirty-three million guns in civilian possession in the United States. Alex isn’t sure where on the campaign trail that fact embedded itself into his brain — he thinks he picked it up from some memo between Minnesota and Missouri — but he’s never been able to forget it. It's one of those things he turns over and over in his head, running the numbers as if he could calculate the possibility of a bullet embedding itself in his brain. In the end, Alex thinks that it evens out. More people want to kill him than the average person (and that number has grown exponentially over the years) but now he also has Secret Service protection and can’t go anywhere without a motorcade. So, really, statistically, he figures that he has just as much of a chance of being shot by one of those 433 million firearms as anyone else, give or take a few decimal points here and there. But doing the math doesn’t make it any less terrifying when it actually happens.

Want you stealing my time by clottedcreamfudge

Henry has no idea what the rules are meant to be when you fall in love with your best friend thirty seconds after befriending them, but he supposes it doesn't matter anyway; he knows that Alex could never feel the same way - has always known that - and he considers himself lucky to have someone this fierce and full of life in his corner. He doesn't need more, no matter how much he may want it. Then Alex goes and ruins everything by daring to press him against the wall at a party and kiss him like his life fucking depends on it.

simply, don't by rizcriz

The first voicemail notification sits in Henry’s inbox when he lands in London. He stares at it for a long while before quietly dismissing it and shoving his phone unceremoniously into his pocket. His phone feels like lead in his pocket the entire ride back to the palace, fingers itching to pull it out and just listen. But he’s stronger than that, isn’t he? He left, he got on the plane, he made it home without once looking back. He had, though, contemplated the many steps it would take to turn around. Wondered if he could make it back with enough time to climb back into Alex’s bed and pretend none of this nightmare—the confession of love—had ever happened. But for every step he envisions himself taking back, three more lead him straight to Kensington Palace, because for whatever it is that he wants, there is only what he can have, and it is not a life with one Alexander Gabriel Claremont-Diaz. -- Or, Henry actually answers one of Alex's calls.

heart & home by railmedaddy

An exploration of life, love, friendship and family – one snippet for each week of Alex & Henry’s first year in their brownstone.

the love of my life, forever by coffeecatsme

“So,” the host of the talk show starts, eyes glimmering with excitement as he gazes at Alex over the desk, “your new single. I think anyone here would agree that it felt like a death by a thousand cuts, listening to those lyrics. If you don’t mind me asking… There’s been a lot of speculation online about who the song is about.” Alex flips his curls to the other side, trying not to smile. “Uh huh.” Or, 5 times the media speculates Alex is dating someone else and 1 time they realize he's been with Henry all this time.

You Can't Deny Me Anything by Dawg1515

“What happened?” Henry frowns deeply and presses his hand to Alex’s forehead. “You’re burning up, love.” Or: That night at the Lake House, Henry is getting ready to leave when Alex wakes up feeling sick. Faced with memories of losing his father, Henry decides to stay and take care of Alex. They have some things to talk out.

sparks fly (whenever you smile) by cxpbuck

When Alex wakes up after a particularly alcohol-filled night, he’s surprised by a blonde stranger in his bed. What’s more surprising, however, are all the messages on his phone congratulating his engagement to said blonde stranger.

how to have (normal) friends without fucking it up by ohgaywarden

Alex y’all are forgetting i started in georgetown when my mom was elected at least it’s not like the white house where they’ll bring the dogs out to sniff for weed cash and the ppos will probably check you for stuff but yeah… just don’t bring anything that would alert the royal protectors of the 4th in line for the throne Abbylol Anthony okay :) what time? -- Alex tries to make friends in law school.

a thousand, a million, billion thoughts, (all under the form of a letter to you) by CrayolaRainbow

Henry has been working on something in his office for the past week. Every time Alex asks him what it is, Henry just brushes him off with a simple “It’s a project, dear, nothing to worry about,” before throwing himself back into his work. He comes back, a week later, with a proposal he wants to show Alex. Or: Henry proposes to Alex with the help of a list, a powerpoint presentation, and some Very Gay Quotes.

buzzing by demigodbeautiies

“I mean, I respect the guts of anyone who thinks it’s a good idea to send a vibrator to the Prince of Wales,” Alex said, staring down at the little egg shaped thing in a box on their counter. “I can’t ever endorse this,” he replied, finally. -- Henry and Alex are sent a remote control vibrator. They find many, many uses for it.

A Tapestry of Intimacy Unfolded by Hqwhna

It's a case of textbook serendipity when Senator Alex Claremont-Diaz and Dr. Henry Fox first meet at a fundraiser in D.C. Now, Alex just has to think of an excuse to see him again...

Going Platinum by cricketnationrise

Email: austincamz@gmail.com Channel Name: AustinBoy Age Restricted?: 18+ Chat enabled?: Yes Subscriptions: Monthly Tiers: 2 Tier 1:> Name: Standard > Description: Access to chat room, 1 weekly video Tier 2:> Name: Bonus > Description: Access to chat room, 1 weekly video, 1 weekly livestream

Or, a Camboy!Alex AU

A Taste of You by everwitch

On a few, select occasions, Henry has indulged Alex’s flirty banter, meeting Alex halfway with his own brand of dry wit. That is hardly advisable, of course, but Henry is only… well, not human exactly, but once upon a time he was, and sometimes he likes to reminisce about that. To recall what that existence had felt like. To watch a pretty young thing with a certain spark in his eyes smile victoriously when Henry admits he’s handsome. When Henry lets Alex take him home, he thinks he’s the only one who’s about to reveal his true nature. He’s wrong.

Hit (My Love) Out of the Park by bleedingballroomfloor

“It’s just — I’ve had such a hard time feeling like I really belonged. I think that’s what got me in the slump in the first place. But coming back here, seeing all the love I still got even though I’m not on the Rangers anymore… that really helped. And being on the Mets, being in New York — you helped with all of that. More than you’ll ever know.” Or, Alex and Henry are dumb, horny disasters. With an added bonus of baseball.

Engagement by SilverRosesAndDragons

Alex and Henry get engaged. They make a show of telling the world.

hear it in the silence (feel it on the way home) by orionseye

“It drives me nuts sometimes that you don’t get to have more say in your life. When I picture you happy, I see you with your own apartment somewhere outside of the palace and a desk where you can write anthologies of queer history. And I’m there, using up your shampoo and making you come to the grocery store with me and waking up in the same damn time zone with you every morning.” - page 296 Henry and Alex get everything they want after the 2020 elections: a beautiful home, fulfilling careers, a life together. But you need to heal first, to be able to love.

Sweetheart Grips by orestespdf

“Is this a good time to say that I haven’t done this before either, and that you should also tell me if it’s terrible?” Henry asks. Alex lets out a quiet laugh. His cheeks are ruddy with pleasure, the way some people get flushed when they’ve been smiling a while. Henry wants to do everything in his power to make Alex laugh again. The sound is intoxicating. “Sure thing, sweetheart,” Alex says with an easy grin. "I’ll log any complaints accordingly.” --- Rewriting a few RWRB sex-scenes with trans!Alex.

Hold the Moonlight In Your Hands by absolute-worst-idea (cxptained)

“Come on.” Henry tells him, tugging him to his feet and suddenly time is repeating itself. They sneak through the long grass, past the same PPO’s that snooze by the front door, before taking off at a run down that very same pier. “What are you doing?” Alex yells out, laughing as they come to the same halt as before, right under the brilliant night sky. The same stars look down on them. The same moon lights up their path, lights up Henry’s face, lights up his eyes and his smile. “I’m doing this right!” Henry says. There’s a lightness to his voice, a sparkle in perfect blue hues and Alex’s chest lifts just as it had done a year ago. ---------- The group find themselves back at the lake house, and Henry wants to make right that disastrous night with a marriage proposal that will change Henry and Alex's lives forever.

my gift is my song/and this one's for you by HestiaForever

It still amazes Henry, sometimes. That Alex loves him back; that the whole world knows and it’s okay. He turns his head and kisses Alex gently. The frizzing anxiety in his veins settles, and it’s like taking a breath of fresh air. Alex breaks away to smile against his lips. “Just like old times, huh? Do I need to let you go flee the country now?” OR Alex and Henry’s relationship, told through five holidays over five years.

The Red Side Goes Up by cmere

Henry brings home a little something new to try in the bedroom. Or: The One Where Alex Gets Jealous of a Butt Plug.

One Wild and Precious Life by SprigsofViolets

In 2015, Arthur Fox was diagnosed with cancer. He went into surgery to have a tumor removed from his brain, and fell into a coma. Nine years later, he wakes up.

Imagine Being Loved By Me by ladybonehollows

“Please tell me you're not so high in your ivory tower that you don't know what fanfiction is and that people write it about you." He can practically hear the sound of Henry rolling his eyes through the phone. “No, I know what it is, and I wish I could be surprised to learn that people have written it about me. None of that has ever inspired me to go looking for it.” Alex looks gleefully at the page in front of him. “Oh baby, I love how we can still surprise each other," he says. "I'm skipping to the good part, though.”

But Then You Found Me (And Everything Changed) by Lily_Padd_23, supernatural_mondler

Henry accidentally asks a question. Alex is more than ready with the answer.

if you want to be tagged in future lists, let me know!

[audinosaur]

aoba johsai <3 lover

hi here’s some songs from taylor swift’s lover album that i think match each seijoh pairing :)) 

iwaoi <3 lover

i mean c’mon

it’s IWAOI ofc they get the title track

“and you’ll save all your dirtiest jokes for me / and at every table, i’ll save you a seat” 

AHSJDJ it’s them !! they don’t even have to say anything, if there’s a chair open next to iwa/oiks, everyone automatically knows who it’s unofficially reserved for

“and i’m highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you”

^ i think this covers both oikawa’s natural jealousy as well as how iwaizumi’s watched time after time again as countless amounts of people crush on his tooru

just the term “lover” for them. i think it’s the word they’d use in the timeskip when describing their “secret relationship” during interviews, it reveals as little as possible about the “mystery person” while still properly communicating just how important they are :)

matsuhana <3 it’s nice to have a friend

makki and mattsun genuinely have no fucking clue how they got together, they just sorta slowly shifted from being friends and doing friend things to doing boyfriend things and being boyfriends

bc of this they just picked a random ass day as their anniversary and just rolled w it

matsuhana’s so interesting to me because they’re friends to lovers like iwaoi/kinkuni yet each of them is a different FLAVOR of friends to lovers that i can’t quite explain but i love em

“something gave you the nerve / to touch my hand”

THEY!! YES! doing all their coupley shit all the while saying “it’s nice to have a friend” even though they both realize it’s faded into something much more

“twenty questions, we tell the truth” idk they just seem like they’ve never lied to each other before bc they’ve never had any reason to hide what they’re feeling

kyouhaba <3 afterglow

*deep inhale* OKAY there’s a LOT !

it should be noted that literally so fucking many of the other songs fit them but i want something slightly kinda happy pls :’)

i really love this song and it’s portrayal of arguing w your loved one and then taking the time afterwards to apologize and take accountability 

and there are so so many kyouhaba fics where they fight and then make amends (although i still think there should be even MORE)

i just love them having so many feelings and not enough ways to deal w them and the vulnerability when they own up to their mistakes and AAHHHHHHHH

“i don’t wanna do this to you / i don’t wanna lose this with you” and “hey, it’s all me, just don’t go” 

(^ examples of them being VULNERABLE AND OPEN)

also “tell me that you’re still mine / tell me that we’ll be just fine / even when i lose my mind”

i am normal about them! (lie)

side note i like how when perusing the seijoh couples gallery you just see “childhood friends to lovers!”, “best friends to lovers!”, “pals to lovers!”, then you turn the corner and see the most aggressive, tension-fueled enemies(?) to lovers pairing you’ve ever seen for no goddamn rhyme or reason

kinkuni <3 paper rings 

paper rings has a childlike whimsy that suits kindaichi & kunimi’s relationship perfectly 

half of the lyrics seem like things kindaichi would say to kunimi w full earnesty too

“i’m with you even if it makes me blue” and “wrap your arms around me, baby boy” !!!

(kunimi calls it “corny”, kindaichi calls it “romantic”, both with dumbass, lovestruck smiles on their faces)

“i hate accidents except when we went from friends to this” is 100% kunimi though, he doesn’t like surprises and events that require him to exert extra effort, but for kindaichi? he’s more than okay with it

the whole song is just so sugary sweet and shamelessly adorable and at the end of the day that’s what kinkuni is! (at least behind closed doors, bc they get embarrassed sometimes)

and bc i can’t leave my boy out, it should be noted that watari shinji is a red man to his very CORE. you bet your ass on his twenty-second birthday he was blasting 22 like his life depends on it

[spine-buster]

Lost in the Memory | Ryan O'Reilly | Volume II

gif credit @/leafsgm

A/N: I'm so happy with the reception this has gotten despite the mystery surrounding their relationship! Please continue to ask any and all canon questions you have on these two! I hope this chapter clears up some questions, too.

“You’ll have to fly back to Toronto without us.  If it’s a broken finger, they’ll know and they’ll fix it tomorrow so you’re good to go down the road for us.  Do you have someone that would be able to look after you post-surgery?”

“It’s finger surgery, Whit.  I’m not getting a quadruple bypass.”

“But it’s still surgery, Snook,” Whitney lamented.  “I don’t like to see you hurt.  Anywhere.  As big as your foot or as little as your finger.”

Ryan could hear the tone of Whitney’s voice, how worried she was, even though it was minor surgery.  While she always supported him throughout his hockey career, even when he was a kid, she was always nervous about injuries.  She saw Gareth have broken arms, knee injuries, and even a collarbone fracture during his own playing time.  “Hey…c’mere,” he cooed, extending his arms and bringing her in for a hug.  “It’s just a thirty-minute surgery.  I’m not even being put under – it’s local anesthesia.  No need to worry about me, sweetness.”

He watched as Whitney considered his words.  One part of him knew she’d never stop worrying about him, and another part knew it would calm her, at least slightly.  “Imagine being put under completely just for a little finger,” she half-joked.

He smiled.  “My fingers aren’t little though.  You remind me of that all the time.”

She smacked him on his forearm.  “Snook!”

“Ow!” he faked how hurt he was.  “Don’t injure me more, Whit!”

“You pervert!”

His smile was wide, the gap in his teeth making her swoon.  “So you’ll pick me up?” he asked.

“Yes, I’ll drop you off and pick you up,” she confirmed.  “But I want payment though.  Payment through ice cream or something.”

“I’ll do you one better,” Ryan smirked.  “After surgery, how about we go out to Goderich for a few days?”

Whitney’s eyebrows rose.  “You’re allowed?”

Ryan nodded.  “The boys are getting back in town midnight Wednesday.  Next practice isn’t until Friday, before Saturday’s game.”

“Three nights alone with you in Goderich?  You’re spoiling me, Ry.”

He leaned down to kiss her, his arms wrapping around her body and her arms wrapping around his broad shoulders.  “You know how much I love to spoil you,” he mumbled against her lips.  “So that’s a yes?”

As if Whitney would say no to going to Ryan’s cottage on Lake Huron.  She wasn’t doing anything better.

***

The drive out to Goderich, on the shores of Lake Huron, was like most other drives Whitney and Ryan took: it had Timbits, it had good music, and it had…hands.  Because of his local anesthesia, Ryan was in the passenger side this time, while Whitney was driving his rental – a Range Rover, because of course.  Ryan controlled the playlist, playing some of their favourite songs but also indulging Whitney in some of the new Taylor Swift songs.  It reminded him of when he surprised her by learning “Jump Then Fall” from Taylor’s Fearless album that came out when Whitney was thirteen.  Then, when Speak Now came out when she was fifteen, he learned “Sparks Fly”, her favourite song off the album.  Whitney told him he would have to learn a new song of Taylor’s every time she released a new album; Ryan obliged: “All Too Well” from Red, “Style” from 1989, “New Year’s Day” on Reputation, “Cornelia Street” on Lover, “August” on folklore (the whole album, really – she forced him), and “ivy” on evermore (the whole album again, really).  She’d have to request that he learn “Sweet Nothing” off Midnights. 

The air was much more crisp in Goderich, especially in March.  When she parked the car in the driveway and stepped out, Whitney could feel it.  She inhaled deeply.  It felt like summers.  It felt like home.  Even though home was Toronto now, and had been for almost ten years.  City air and country air were just different.

“Good to be home, hmm?” Ryan asked, seemingly reading her mind.

She nodded.  “Good to be home.”

They brought their bags in and Ryan disabled the alarm.  Whitney set them down in the laundry room, intent on bringing them into the bedroom later – it wasn’t like she and Ryan would be in many clothes anyway.  He turned on a few lights before grabbing the controller and pressing the button to have the automated blinds rise.  The house consisted of a main room overlooking the lake, with a glass hallway and three bedrooms, each designed like their own little pods, also overlooking the lake.  The master bedroom, at the end of the hall, had floor-to-ceiling windows and a beautiful balcony that looked over everything. 

They both watched as the blinds rolled all the way up and exposed the view.  The part of the lake in front of the house was still frozen over.  The sky was a bright blue, the sunshine illuminating the snow.  On a corner shelving unit, on the right side of the giant window, Whitney saw the array of picture frames organized that she always loved to look over.  They were filled with pictures of childhood memories.  O’Reilly family reunions.  Birthday parties.  Halloweens.  Pictures from school.  Playing hockey outside.  On the top shelf, an 8x10, alone: a picture of Ryan and Gareth with their arms around each other’s shoulders, smiling from ear to ear. 

“I’ll never get sick of this view,” Whitney said to distract herself from how the picture made her feel.

“Me neither,” Ryan said.  “It’s the best, isn’t it?”

Since the surgery happened earlier that morning, Ryan and Whitney arrived just in time for lunch.  But because Ryan hadn’t been at the house in months, there was no fresh food – just whatever was in the cupboards or freezer.  “Should I make us something?” Whitney asked.

“If I even have anything.  Otherwise we can order from a restaurant in Goderich.”

Whitney moved towards the kitchen, moving around it like she had lived in the house for years.  She practically had.  She found some pasta, lentils, and canned tomatoes – of course she would, since they were three ingredients that made up one of Ryan’s favourite pasta dishes.  “Pasta?” she held up the pack of spaghetti.

“Sounds good to me.”

She got started.  Ryan brought their bags into the bedroom but didn’t reappear again until the water was almost boiling and the lentil bolognese was being prepared.  Whitney looked over her shoulder.  “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.  Was just running the water in the ensuite to make sure it was okay.”

Whitney understood, having done the same for the kitchen faucet.  She turned back around and dropped half the packet of spaghetti into the pot on boiling water.  “Tub too?  We gonna have a bubble bath tonight?”

Before she could hear Ryan, she felt him.  He came up right behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, his chest flush against her.  Nestling his head on her shoulder, he saw the corners of her lips smile.  “We can,” his voice was husky.  She could feel his breath on her skin.  “You want to?”

“It would be nice,” Whitney’s voice was soft.  “We need to have at least one by the time we go back to Toronto.”

“Deal,” Ryan said, kissing where her neck met her shoulder lightly.  They stood in silence together, his arms still wrapped around her, as the pasta boiled and the sauce heated up in a pan.  Whitney would stir the spaghetti occasionally with her free hand, the other arm placed on top of Ryan’s, their fingers intertwined.  “I could stay like this for a while,” he said.

Whitney hummed happily.  “Me too,” she agreed.  “You know how much I love how your body feels, Snook.  Especially like this.  Just wrapped up in it.”

Ryan planted more small kisses along her shoulder and neck, and when Whitney craned her neck, he kissed her on the lips too.  But like with any kiss on the lips with them, it couldn’t stop at just one; they always needed to have more.  So one kiss turned to two and two turned to four, and four turned to Whitney turning to face him, which turned into Ryan picking her up and setting her on the counter.  Ryan was in a hoodie and track pants, so Whitney wasted no time in sneaking her hands underneath the hoodie to feel his body, just as she wanted.  His toned muscles and the hair on his chest – all of it.  She loved all of it.

“God, Snook,” she breathed out as he kissed down her neck.  “How do I ever live without your body?”

“How do I live without yours?” he asked back, his large hands squeezing her thighs. 

At the same second that Ryan stuck his tongue down her throat again, the alarm on her phone sounded.  Ryan groaned.  Whitney couldn’t help but giggle.  “Eight minutes for perfect al dente pasta,” she said.

“Make it nine.”

She reluctantly pulled away from his kiss.  “Soggy pasta is gross, Snook,” she said, hopping off the counter and turning off the stove.  Ryan watched and stayed silent as she drained the pasta and added it to the sauce and lentils, using a pair of tongs to mix it all together.  They ate lunch in peace at the dining table, looking out onto the lake. 

After finishing and loading the dishwasher, they went back to what they did best, except this time in bed.  They lay side-by-side, their legs entangled and their hands exploring.  Ryan had gotten rid of his hoodie, his t-shirt the last piece of fabric to come between Whitney’s hands and his body; Whitney could feel the heat between her legs begin to build as Ryan’s hand wandered all over her body.  Sneaking her hands underneath his t-shirt again, she dragged her fingernails up and down his body, and could feel his hand move down to her ass, squeezing it before slipping in between her legs.

Ryan sat up momentarily and Whitney helped him take off his shirt; afterwards, Whitney wiggled out of her leggings as Ryan dragged them down, kicking them off with her feet.  Her shirt and bra came off soon after, her breasts pressed between their bodies against Ryan’s chest.  Their lips were already red from so much kissing, but they didn’t stop, couldn’t stop.  Ryan’s hand went back in between her legs, cupping her over her underwear.

“God, Whit, you’re already so hot,” Ryan mumbled against her lips.

She responded by hiking her leg over his torso to give him better access.  She could feel his hand move her underwear to the side, his fingers slipping up and down her pussy.  Her breath hitched in her throat.  “Stop teasing, Ry.”

“Thought you liked to be teased,” Ryan said, acquiescing and sticking one finger inside of her slowly, but easily.

Whitney whimpered, her hips grinding against his.  One wasn’t enough.  One was never enough.  “More.  More, Ry.”

He slipped a second finger into her, just as easily.  She whimpered again, especially when he began moving them in and out, up and down, curling them and hitting that sweet spot that caused her hips to buck and for her to cry out his name.  With whatever conscience she had left, Whitney snaked her hand down between their two bodies, slipping it underneath the band of his boxers and grabbing hold of his cock.  She could hear him groan at the contact, their lips parting momentarily.  “See what you do to me?” he asked, feeling her pumping him slowly.

Whitney didn’t respond – couldn’t respond – because his fingers had curled in her again.  “Keep doing that, Ry.  It feels so good.”

Ryan took the opportunity to pull of Whitney’s underwear, leaving her naked against his body as they spooned and got each other off.  Whitney kept stroking him until he was rock hard, pushing off his boxers too.  They lay in bed like that until Whitney felt herself becoming close, and when she did, she made sure to hike her leg up ever so slightly and guide his cock towards her entrance.  He took his fingers out and replaced them with his cock, much to both their pleasures.  They moaned at the same time over the feeling of being able to fill her up at this angle. 

“Does’at feel good, Ry?” she asked between laboured breaths after a while of moving in and out of her.

Ryan nodded.  “I love having you so close like this.  Your body against mine,” he said.  “It’s amazing this way.”

“Yeah,” Whitney nodded in agreement.  “I love it like this.  I love your body, Snook.”  She dug her fingernails into his shoulders.  One of Ryan’s hands was pushing her hair away from her face so gently, pumping in and out of her slowly and passionately, wanting to make it last.  She wanted it to last too, as long as possible.  Until dinner and the game?  Until midnight?  She didn’t care.  It had happened before, during one of her secret trips to Buffalo.  Ryan had had a particularly good game and they went all night, round after round after round.  Whitney called in a sick day because she was so well-fucked that she knew she wouldn’t be able to make it back in time.  Nor did she want to, really. 

As Whitney and Ryan continued, Whitney could feel herself getting close.  Her nails dug deeper and deeper into Ryan’s shoulders, and, eventually, she moved to tug at the hair on the nape of his neck.  Ryan groaned at the feeling, and at Whitney soon crying his name over and over again as he felt her walls tighten around him.  It was only when he could feel her breathing steady that he spoke again.  “Sweetness—baby—”

“Let me ride you, baby,” she said, pushing slightly so Ryan would roll onto his back.  He did and she climbed on top of him, Ryan grabbing his cock and positioning it so she could lower herself easily onto it once again.  “Fuck, baby.  That feels so good.”

Ryan’s hands immediately went to cup her breasts, teasing her nipples as she began to grind back and forth.  “You’re so beautiful, Whit,” he mumbled, admiring the view he had of her on top of him.  “Just so fucking beautiful.”

“And you’re so handsome,” she couldn’t help but smile as her hands went to his chest to steady herself.  “You’re so good to me, Snook.  You take care of me.”

“Ride me, sweetness.  Like you love to do.”

Her nails dug into his chest, because she was already close when they were spooning.  She tried to make it last as long as possible, even shooing away Ryan’s hand as it crept closer to her clit.  She got louder as she continued to ride him, and after some time, she felt another orgasm building.  She looked into his eyes.  Ryan grabbed her hands.  “Can you feel it?”

She nodded quickly.  “I’m gonna come again, Snook.  Are you close too?”

“Can I come inside you, sweetness?”

“I hate it when you don’t,” was how she chose to respond, because it was true.  She was obsessed with how he felt inside her (and she knew he was equally obsessed with how he felt inside her), which is why they were always going at one another.  She would have almost thought it was embarrassing, them going at it like horny teenagers all the time, if she didn’t feel an overwhelming sense of love every time they did.  It didn’t matter if it was quickie or a marathon.  Ryan knew how to treat her inside and outside the bedroom.  She just wished he wasn’t so hard on himself.

Whitney felt his hot cum filling her just as she wanted, the both of them crying out each other’s names in the pure ecstasy of the moment.  Eventually, Whitney collapsed onto Ryan’s body, letting the last of her shaking leave her.  Ryan wrapped his arms completely around her, holding her close against his body.  As always, when he slipped out of her, she whimpered at the feeling.  “I’ve never loved anybody like I love you, Whitney,” he whispered, his chest still heaving up and down.

“Me too, Snook,” she replied, her voice equally as quiet and soft.  “Nobody else compares to you.  Nobody has and nobody will.”

So why won’t you call me your girlfriend, Snook?

Whitney immediately pushed her thought into a place in her mind she hoped she’d never have to acknowledge again.  They were silent for a while, letting the words sink in.  They expressed similar romanticisms to each other all the time, especially after sex, but every time was equally as sentimental.  Hearing them felt especially magical when they reunited after having not seen each other in a while: during the season when Whitney would visit in St. Louis or Buffalo or Colorado, or when he was visiting Toronto for a game, or the first time when he came home in the summers.  Now that he was home, she could only imagine how often she’d hear the words.  They never got old. 

When her breathing steadied, she looked at the clock on the bedside table to see the time.  She looked back at Ryan to see his eyes already fluttering.  She couldn’t help but chuckle slightly.  “Time for your pre-game nap?” she asked.

He tightened his grip around her.  “Sleep with me,” he said.

“I just did,” she smirked down at him.

Ryan groaned playfully at her joke.  “C’mon sweetness.”

“Let me go clean up and I’ll be back,” she said, wiggling slightly to get out of his grip.

“Don’t take too long.  I can’t sleep without you.”

***

Later that night, Ryan and Whitney cuddled on the couch under a blanket, watching the Leafs face the New Jersey Devils.  She’d changed into one of his old shirts, and they’d ordered some burgers and fries from one of their favourite diners in Goderich.  Ryan even went out to the shed to get some wood for the fireplace.  It was all very romantic. 

It was only in the intermission between the second and third period, when Whitney went into the kitchen to make some popcorn, did feelings shift completely for her.  While she waited as it popped, she wandered over to the giant window, and to the shelving unit that housed all the pictures.  Gareth was in almost all of them.  The only ones he wasn’t in were the ones specifically of Ryan’s family.  But in any of the others, Gareth stood out like a sunbeam, because that was what he was.  He was always smiling ear to ear or making a funny face.  In a Halloween photo, he’d dressed up as The Monster, and Ryan dressed up as Dr. Frankenstein.  That Halloween they pushed a three-year-old Whitney dressed as Winnie the Pooh in a wagon when she got tired.  In another photo, Ryan and Gareth posed on the ice together, buckets off, with matching hockey flow.  In another photo, Cal, Tara, Ryan, Shannon, Owen, Gareth, and Whitney all posed together around a campfire as teenagers and young adults, making smores, their faces covered in marshmallow and chocolate.  In another, all of them as kids at a beach in Goderich, having buried Owen under the sand.  In another, Ryan with Whitney on his shoulders and Gareth with Shannon on his shoulders in a pool.  In another, Ryan holding the Stanley Cup in his strong arms, and tipping it over so Whitney could drink champagne out of it.  In another, the O’Reilly family and the Napier family all posing together at Ryan’s Stanley Cup party.  Without Gareth.

When she got back to the couch with the two bowls of popcorn, Whitney was quiet, reserved, and in her own head.  Ryan noticed right away.  Even physically, she cuddled into his body even more than before, as if she needed to be as close to him as physically possible.  She draped her legs over his lap and nestled into him.  Thankfully, the Leafs won, but it didn’t make Whitney any happier.  When the game was over and the panel on Sportsnet began talking about the game and the late game-winning goal by Auston, he put his empty bowl of popcorn on the end table and draped his arm across her thighs.  “What are you thinking about?” Ryan asked as he pressed a gentle kiss to her shoulder. 

She was quiet for a few moments.  “Can I be honest?”

“Of course,” there was another gentle kiss to her shoulder.

She was quiet again.  Maybe she should lie.  But she was incapable of lying to Ryan.  With Ryan, sure, to fool other people.  But fully incapable of lying to him.  “I’m thinking about Gareth.”

Ryan kept his lips on her shoulder momentarily.  “What about Gareth?”

“How much he would have loved this house,” Whitney said.  “How much he would have loved that it’s right on the water.  He always loved the lake so much and I’ve always found it…I don’t know – cruel, almost – that the lake took his life away from him.”

Ryan knew he would have to stay silent, for the most part.  While Whitney opened up to him often, when she opened up about Gareth, it meant something more.  Grief never faded, and it never went away.  It stayed with all of them, all the time, and would come up in little moments.  It would come up for Whitney whenever she saw trampolines, because Gareth loved trampolines when they were kids.  It would come up for Ryan when the beginning squirts of ketchup would hit his plate and he’d remember that Gareth would make a sexual sound every time that happened at parties, family barbecues (as long as Shannon wasn’t around), and out at restaurants.  It would come up for the both of them whenever they’d see people paddleboarding.  “It’s so unfair,” Ryan said.  “It’s unfair that he passed away doing something he loved so much.”

“Did you realize the ten-year anniversary is this summer?” she asked

“I did,” he nodded.  “I’m guessing your parents will have a mass.”

“I mean, probably,” she said.  “He—he would have gone crazy about you playing for the Leafs, Ry.  He would have absolutely lost his mind.  I think he still is up there—”

“—I think he still is up there—”

They said the words at the same time.  They could only giggle slightly at the sentiment they shared together out loud.  They both knew Gareth better than anyone else, so it was only natural.  “I miss him so much,” Ryan said, his voice sombre. 

“I miss everything about him,” she said.  “Remember how mad he used to get when I used to distract you guys playing video games?”

“Mhm,” Ryan giggled.  “You cost him a few Mario Kart wins, Whit.  Remember how he baked you that cake for your 13th birthday and it was absolutely fucking horrible?”

Whitney snorted, the memory coming back to her like a tidal wave.  “Oh my God.  The thing was as hard as a rock!”

“How do you think I lost my tooth?  It wasn’t hockey.”

Whitney couldn’t stop laughing at the memory.  Gareth had been so proud of it.  He made it from scratch, though he wouldn’t admit to the store-bought icing.  He had emptied every sprinkle container that was in the family pantry and put thirteen candles, plus one for good luck, in a giant one and three.  When he brought it out and everybody began singing, he pretended to fall.  When Gareth told her to make a wish, she wished for a cat, and for him to make all her birthday cakes in the future.  “He was so good.  It’s not fair that he’s not with us.”

“I know.  I wish he could be here to see all this.”

With the giggling about the funnier memories came the tears.  It was inevitable.  They were silent, and fell from her eyes quickly but silently as she continued to smile.  She wiped them away quickly.  It was how she liked to remember Gareth – goofy and loving and the life of the party – but it still brought her pain.  Her voice trembled.  “I wish he was here, Ryan.  All the time.”

“Me too, Whit.  Me too.  C’mere,” he urged, wrapped an arm around her and holding her close so she could cry into his chest. 

“It’s still so hard,” she cried.  “It’s been ten years and sometimes I think it’s harder now than it was in those initial days.  He didn’t get to see me grow up or graduate.  He didn’t get to see Owen become a doctor.  He didn’t get to see you win the Stanley Cup.  And it hurts because that’s all he ever wanted – everything he did was for other people.  All he wanted was to see us do well and it hurts that he couldn’t see us.”

“He’s watching, Whit.  Remember that,” he whispered, rubbing her back tenderly as she cried into his chest.  “He’s still with us in a different way.”

Whitney wiped her tears again.  She knew Ryan was right, but it was hard to accept.  Gareth, in his own way, looked after everybody, and one of the main ways he did it was by putting a smile on someone’s face, or making them laugh, or telling them “That’s amazing!” or “I’m really proud of you!” to boost their confidence or make them feel seen.  Whitney hadn’t felt that in ten years; neither had Ryan.  It left a hole in them that would never be filled.  She looked up at him, tears still welling in her eyes.  “You always take care of me, Snook,” she said.

“It’s what I was meant to do,” he said, giving her a peck.

She nestled back into his chest, savouring the feeling as he continued to rub her back until she fell asleep in his arms.

***

“What did you get up to while you were away from us?” John asked Ryan after practice on Friday, before the game against Edmonton. 

“Just headed out to the cottage in Goderich, made sure everything was okay,” Ryan revealed.  “Yours is in Muskoka, right?”

“Yeah.  No chance of being able to go up there in the days off, though.  Not worth the drive and the haul with the boys.  It’s like you have to plan for a cross-country road trip with them even though it’s only a two-hour drive.”

Ryan couldn’t help but chuckle.  “Bet there’s a lot of Timbits to keep ‘em quiet during the drive.”

“Timbits and iPad time,” John nodded.  “That girl that came with your parents to the game against Minnesota – she’s from Goderich?”

“Whitney.  And no – Varna, where I grew up,” Ryan clarified.  “Same small town as me.  Just a few houses away from each other, actually.”

“Aryne really liked her.  They got to talking at the game and Aberdeen’s surprise party,” John revealed.  “Bee, too – really liked her.”

“You close with Bee?” Ryan asked.

John smiled genuinely.  “I’m kinda like her surrogate older brother,” he said.  “Aryne’s in her wedding party.  Her surrogate older sister.”  Ryan understood what John was saying.  “Does she live in Toronto?  Whitney, I mean.”

“Uh, yeah.  Over in Summerhill.”

John’s eyebrows rose momentarily.  It was a pretty expensive neighbourhood, so Ryan understood why.  Not that Ryan would explain that he bought the house for her.  “I know she’s a family friend or whatever, but feel free to invite her to games,” John offered. 

“Yeah?”

“If the girls are asking for her, they must like her.”

***

“Ryan gave you an O’Reilly jersey, right?” Aberdeen asked through the phone.  She’d somehow gotten Whitney’s number, which she didn’t mind because Aberdeen was very nice. 

“Oh, definitely,” Whitney informed her.  “Why do you ask?”

“Make sure you wear something hot underneath it,” Aberdeen said unexpectedly.  “After the boys win, we’re going out for Matilda’s birthday.  To Isabelle’s.”

While Whitney appreciated the confident tone in Aberdeen’s voice asserting that the boys would win on Saturday, Isabelle’s was one of the hottest clubs in Toronto.  Whitney’s eyes immediately went wide at the mention.  She stopped leaning in her chair at her desk at work and put her feet solidly on the ground.  “Isabelle’s?  Really?  That’s quite exclusive.”

“Auston always makes the reservations for these sorts of things,” Aberdeen was very matter-of-fact.  “Everybody always says yes to him.  I mean – he’s Auston Matthews, you know?  He’s good for at least one thing.”

Whitney giggled.  “I haven’t been in a club in years.  I mean, I’m twenty-seven.  I feel like I’m gonna stick out like a sore thumb.  Ryan too.”

“Oh don’t worry, darling.  We’re all really hot so it doesn’t matter,” Aberdeen assured her.  “It’s about dancing and having a good time.  You dance, right?”

“I love dancing.”

“Then it’s settled.  You, me, on the dance floor with negroni sbagliatos.”

***

“Oh wow, that looks hot,” Aberdeen swooned as she gave Whitney a full up-down in the washroom right after the game.  Whitney had changed out of her jersey that she’d been wearing all game to reveal her outfit: high-waisted black leather pants and a burgundy-coloured crop top.  The leather pants weren’t tight, but they still accentuated her body perfectly, and the crop top, with its lace trim, spaghetti straps, and little tie-up bow in the centre was exactly the right fit.  Aberdeen didn’t even get to see why Whitney’s boobs or ass looked so good in the clothes – what Whitney was wearing underneath was a whole other story.  Pink.  Push up.  Cheeky panties with garter clips, already attached to thigh-highs with lace bands and a back seam.  For Ryan’s eyes only.  And totally a surprise.  She almost wanted to take a mirror selfie and send it to him as a little tease, but she decided against it.  The surprise would stay a surprise.

“Thanks,” she smiled, digging into her purse to find her lip liner.

“Are those the Aritzia pants?”

“You betcha.”

“How are you getting home tonight?” Bee asked, ever the responsible one, her beautiful engagement ring shimmering in the bright light of the washroom.

“Ryan’ll just call a taxi…for me,” she almost forgot to add at the end of the sentence.  “Depends when we get out, too.  If the subways are still running, my place isn’t that far of a walk from Summerhill station.”

Aberdeen giggled slightly.  “I doubt Ryan will want you taking the subway at one in the morning.  Or any of us for that matter.”

“You must go to Terroni a lot,” Bee said quickly after.

Whitney gave her a look through the mirror, smiling with her eyes as she reapplied colour to her lips.  “Way too much.  Their spaghetti in canna al mare is probably my favourite dish in the city.”

“I don’t disagree, but have you been to Sugo?” Aberdeen asked.  “Their ricotta gnocchi.  Or their meatballs.  Or their spaghetti.  Or their everything!”

“Ryan’s taken me to Sugo a few times,” Whitney smiled.  “You’re right – their ricotta gnocchi are to die for.  I eat a plate and take one to go.”

Bee and Aberdeen gave each other a look at the mention of Ryan’s name again. 

***

Ryan and Whitney took a cab with Bee and Morgan to Isabelle’s.  They got into the club without issue once they mentioned Auston’s reservation, and by that time, Pierre, Matilda, Rasmus, Lusine, and a few others were already in the booth in short skirts and high heels taking a shot together.  Whitney saw the look on Ryan’s face when she took off her coat and he got a view of her entire outfit.  Ryan was dressed in a crisp white shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and blue suit pants.  He looked incredible.  So fucking hot that Whitney didn’t know how long she’d be able to last keeping her hands off him.  The music was already loud, and the club already full.  She could tell it was going to be a fun night.  It was going to be hard to keep up a façade Whitney didn’t completely know why they were keeping up in the first place. 

She and Aberdeen went up to the bar and ordered negroni sbagliattos.  When they got back to the booth, Matilda and Bee pulled them onto the dance floor, Oye Mi Canto by Daddy Yankee and Nina Sky blasting.  They began dancing together, moving their bodies to the music song after song.  Eventually, Whitney watched as Rasmus made his way onto the dance floor, sneaking up behind Lusine and snaking his hands around her hips and body.  Then Whitney saw Morgan, too, with what looked like an old fashioned in his hand, come up and snake an arm around Bee before she spun around and they began dancing together. 

When Whitney felt a body behind her, she knew right away that it wasn’t Ryan’s.  It didn’t feel like his at all – it wasn’t strong or warm, and her body didn’t react immediately to it like she always did.  She looked over her shoulder to see a good-looking guy – well, good-looking enough, but definitely not as handsome as Ryan – with rosy cheeks and a giant smile on his face.  He was dressed similarly to Ryan, with a collared shirt and nice pants on.  “Hey!” he screamed too loudly, considering how close he was. 

“Hi,” Whitney smiled.

“What’s your name?”

“Whitney.”

“I’m David!” he was continuously loud.  “It’s nice to meet you!”  They weren’t exactly in a position to shake hands, but she turned around to face him anyway.  She saw that his eyes were a bit glassed over, but all that indicated to Whitney was that he was, at the very least, already buzzed.  “You’re hooooot, Whitney.”

“Thanks, David,” she winked.  She saw Aberdeen keeping a watchful eye.  “You’re not too bad yourself.”

“You here with anybody?”

Whitney hesitated.  “I’m here with friends,” she chose to say, hoping that would save her.  “For a birthday.”

“Here for a bit of fun?” David asked.

“Why are you asking?  Am I gonna have fun with you?” she countered.

David’s eyebrows raised.  “We can have fun right now!” he was overly excited, already starting to lean in.

“Whoa whoa whoa!  Slow down Casanova!” Whitney brought her hand up to cover his face.  “I’m a lady!  You need to buy me a drink first.”

“Come on!” he tried to lean in again.

“Leave my friend alone!” Aberdeen yelled, stepping in between them while still dancing – the perfect manoeuvre for separation.  “Let her dance!”

“Get out of the way!  What are you, her bodyguard?” David asked.

“I might be!”

David gave up so easily.  He turned around and rejoined his buddies, his eyes already scanning nearby for another girl to torment.  Aberdeen looked over at Whitney.  “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.  What a jerk!” she exclaimed.

“Ryan’s coming up right behind you,” Aberdeen nodded her head over Whitney’s shoulder, signalling his impending arrival.

Whitney turned around to come face-to-face with Ryan.  “Was that guy hitting on you?”

“Yeah,” Whitney said, loud enough so Aberdeen would hear.  “He’d be so much cuter if he wasn’t such a jerk.”

Whitney had said variations of that same phrase countless times before in front of Ryan while they were with others that it didn’t mean anything to him anymore, because obviously they both knew she was still going home with him at the end of the night.  But it definitely sent Aberdeen for a loop.  She knew that at her surprise party and even now she had alcohol in her system, but was her judgement really that warped from it?  She thought for certain that Whitney and Ryan were hiding something, because, well, Aberdeen was the queen of hiding something, so she could sniff this stuff out a mile away.  But Ryan’s reaction to Whitney’s words – or lack thereof, honestly – was messing with her.  So…Ryan really didn’t care?  They were really just friends that had grown up together?

Whitney tried looking around for Rasmus and Lusine on the dance floor, but they were nowhere to be found.  By virtue of it being a club, the pumping music and all the people dancing around them meant that in just a few quick moments, they were separated from Aberdeen.  Whitney could still see her, but Aberdeen wouldn’t be able to hear them.  “You having fun with the boys?” she asked.

“You trying to make me jealous or something?” Ryan asked with a smirk on his face.

“I don’t have to,” Whitney said.  “There’s no girl in this club who could give you what I can.”

“You’re right about that,” he said.

“Bet there’s a couple of girls who have already approached and propositioned you though, huh Mr. Maple Leaf?  Have you flirted with any girls yet?”

“Now why would I say yes to that when I’m going home to this at the end of the night?” he asked rhetorically.

Why are we even keeping up this façade?  

Whitney immediately pushed her thought out of her mind.  Again.  “Whitney!  Over here!” she could see Matilda and Bee calling out to her, already swaying their hips to the beat.  She gave Ryan one last look, one last smirk.  “Are you going to be able to wait that long?”

***

Whitney took a separate taxi home than Ryan, and she even left earlier, but he somehow arrived back up in Summerhill before her.  She could tell by the light through her bedroom window.  She paid the driver and tipped generously before unlocking the door and walking in, taking off her shoes and setting down her purse. 

She walked slowly, and stood in the doorway of the bedroom momentarily to see Ryan had taken a seat on the foot of the bed.  “I saw the way you looked at me when I took off my coat,” Whitney said as she shut the door behind her, stepping further into her bedroom.  She stopped a few feet away from him.  “You seemed shocked.”

“Shocked?  No,” he shook his head.  “More like…stunned.  I was in a daze the rest of the night,” Ryan said.  “New top, hmm?”

Whitney smiled, sauntering over to him.  “Mhmm,” she nodded, playing with the strings of the tie-up bow on her chest.

“Looks good.”

“It better.  I bought it for you,” she whispered, stepping between his legs.

“Oh yeah?”

“Wait till you see what’s underneath,” she said, her hands moving outward to his shoulders, massaging them slightly.  “I bought that for you too.”

Ryan’s large hands grabbed on to her waist, where the exposed skin between her crop top and pants lay.  They looked into each other’s eyes for a while, Whitney massaging his shoulders, until she took her hands off him and brought them back to the tie-up bow on her chest, ready to untie it.  Before she could even pull, Ryan’s hands came up and stopped hers.  “No no no,” his voice was rushed whispers.  “I do that.”

“Then what are you waiting for?”

“Slow down, Whit,” he whispered, pulling her body closer, his lips kissing at her exposed skin on her midriff.  She closed her eyes.  She felt the kisses.  She felt his hands.  She felt his hot breath on her skin.  “I just want to observe your body.”

Whitney could already feel her breath getting heavy.  Their eyes met briefly before she followed his eyes wandering along her entire body, getting lost in every curve.  His hands followed after his eyes, gliding over her neck, her breasts, her hips, and her ass.  “You look so sexy, sweetness,” he whispered as his lips met her skin again.  “So sexy and it’s all for me, right?”

“Yes,” she nodded.  “All for you.”

He stood up, his body looming over hers, and cupped her face with his hands, giving her a kiss.  As he kissed her, he dropped his hands and held both of hers, continuing his kissing along her jawline, down and across her neck and clavicle, and over the mounds of her breasts pushed up by whatever surprise was waiting for him underneath.  “Look at this body, this beautiful skin,” he breathed out, his lips dragging against her skin. 

 

“Ry—"

“This perfect body, all for me,” he spun them around slowly, giving her more kisses along her neck.  On instinct, Whitney’s hand went to the waist of her pants.  The second it got there, Ryan’s hand was there to grab it.  “Don’t touch yourself.”

“But Ry—”

“Don’t do it.  Let me touch you.  Let me worship your body.”

Whitney gulped.  She watched as he brought one of his hands up to untie the bow on her top.  Slowly.  Taking his time.  He noticed a peek of pink material under her burgundy top.  He hooked his fingers underneath her top and pulled it over her head, showcasing the pink push-up bra she was wearing.  She saw his pupils dilate at the sight of her breasts in her bra, her perfect cleavage taunting him, reminding him of other times she’d get dressed up for him like this.  Usually it was special occasions – this definitely wasn’t one, but he wasn’t complaining.  He caressed her exposed skin, placing more kisses on the mounds of her breasts now that they were exposed.  He could hear her breathing getting heavier, her chest heaving up and down as she ran her fingers through his hair.  “I got your favourite, Ry.  Pink.”

His hands moved down to the button and zipper of her pants, again taking his time.  Whitney tried to help him along.  “Don’t do it, don’t do it,” he warned.  “Let me.  Only me, sweetness.”

Whitney almost couldn’t take it.  He took forever to undo the button and zipper, pulling the pants down her legs slowly, revealing every little piece she was wearing one by one.  The panties.  The garter clips.  The thigh-highs with lace.  “You were wearing all this the whole time?” he asked.

“Mhmm,” she nodded.  “I wanted to surprise you.”

“You wanted to spoil me,” he corrected.  “Look at you.  I’m fucking obsessed with you, sweetness.”

She definitely felt that – that he was obsessed with her.  She felt like her entire body was on fire.  Seeing the absolute lust in Ryan’s eyes as he looked over her body turned her on completely.  A shiver ran up her spine as she saw his chest heave up and down at how she looked.  And to think, he looked even better in his dress shirt and pants.  “If I’m not allowed to touch myself, Ry, you better,” she warned.

“Lie down on the bed,” he ordered.

Whitney did as she was told.  She posed seductively for him, despite keeping to the rule not to touch herself, as Ryan stood looming over her at the foot of the bed.  He began to unbutton his shirt, but Whitney had other ideas.  “Don’t, Snook.  Keep it on.”

He eyed her.  “Yeah?”

“Unbutton.  And roll up your sleeves.  But keep it on.”

Ryan kept his eyes locked between Whitney and his forearm as he fixed his sleeves.  Whitney could have come right then and there, just watching him, if only she was allowed to touch herself.  He unbuttoned his shirt before taking one last look at her body posed and sprawled for him, waiting for him.  “You’re so beautiful, Whit.  I’m a lucky guy.”

He watched her smile.  “I’m a lucky girl to have you all to myself, Snook.”

When can we start sharing our relationship with other people, Snook?

He crawled into bed, his body looming over hers.  They kissed, tongues slipping into each other’s mouths, before Ryan continued with his kisses all over her body.  Literally every inch was covered from her neck to her ankles.  Whitney was sure she had never felt so turned on in her life.  He took his time to cover every inch, using his lips, his tongue, and his hands to worship her body with everything he had in him.  She was breathless by the end of it all.  “Ry—oh my God…” she could barely get out.

“I could get drunk on you, sweetness.  Let me worship you.”

“I need you so bad,” she begged.  “This is perfect, Ry.  Touch me.  Please.”

Ryan complied, his hand going to her hot core.  Her panties were already wet.  He touched her through the fabric but decided that wasn’t good enough, so he hooked his fingers in the material and slid them down her legs.  She whimpered when his fingers returned, teasing her lips and driving her crazy.  “You’re already so fucking wet,” Ryan said.

“You did this to me.  You make me feel this way,” she told him.  “Only you.”

Ryan crashed his lips onto hers, his fingers still teasing her.  “Not Calum or Aaron?”

Whitney shook her head and bit her lip.  “Not even close,” she said.  “The best part of being with them was still hooking up with you during it.  And when we couldn’t I’d always picture you, anyways.  They could never make love to me like you could, because I’ve only ever been yours.”

“All mine.  Always.”

Calum and Aaron: Whitney’s ex-boyfriends.  Calum, from university, and Aaron, from after she graduated.  Calum lasted eighteen months.  Aaron lasted a little less than two years.  She had genuinely liked them, and wanted to be in a relationship with them.  And they were good guys.  When she told Ryan, he was fine with it.  She said, “But I’m not giving you up.”  And she didn’t.  She and Ryan continued what they were doing, hooking up every chance they got – in the summers, during her trips to visit him, during his short visits to Toronto for games.  Whitney knew it was wrong but she did it anyway.  She cheated with Ryan on her boyfriends.  She wasn’t exactly proud, but it was Ryan.  It was Snook.  He was her forever, and she wasn’t going to stop being with her forever.

“When you were with Justine and Kayla, was it the same?  Was your body still desperate for mine?” Whitney asked.

“Yeah,” he said.  “They were never as beautiful as you.  I’d always be thinking about you. I would count down the days until I could bury my cock deep inside you again.”

Justine and Kayla: Ryan’s ex-girlfriends.  Justine in Colorado, and Kayla in Buffalo.  Justine lasted two years.  Kayla lasted just over a year.  He had liked them, and found their relationship to be one of convenience instead of one that would stand the test of time – at least to him.  He was sure they thought otherwise.  When he told Whitney, she was fine with it.  He said, “But I’m not giving you up.”  And he didn’t.  He and Whitney continued what they were doing, hooking up every chance they got.  Ryan didn’t feel bad at all.  He knew it was wrong, but he did it anyway.  Because it was Whitney.  His sweetness.  He had promised Gareth he’d take care of her and he wasn’t going to back out of that promise for as long as he lived.  She was his forever, and he wasn’t going to stop being with his forever.

Did that make them bad people?  The thought still kept Whitney up at night.

“Do it now Snook.  Nice and slow.  Make it last.”

He unzipped his pants and pushed them down just enough to free his hard cock.  He positioned himself and entered her slowly, causing her to cry out in pleasure.  Then he grabbed her hands and held them over her head, thrusting into her at a steady pace.  Whitney moved her hips along with his, but Ryan kept her request of taking it slow and passionately, making it last for what felt like hours.  Eventually he let her hands go, and she slipped them underneath his dress shirt, feeling the slick sweat on his back stick to it.  “Look at me, baby,” she said.  “You see how good you make love to me?”

Ryan grunted in response.  “Tell me how much you need me, sweetness.”

“I need you more than anything.  You know that,” she said.  “I need you with me forever.  I need you to fuck me whenever you want.  I need you to worship my body.”

“What else?”

Whitney tightened her legs around his torso, getting him even deeper inside her.  “I need you to do what you love, Snook.  Take care of me the rest of our lives.  You love doing that, right?”

“Yeah.  S’what I was made for.”

“That’s right.  Take care of me.  Love me.  Worship my body like this.”

“I love you, Whit.”

“I love you too, Snook.  Show me how much you love me.  Take care of me.”

Does taking care of me mean marrying me, Snook?

Ryan quickened his pace, with Whitney’s screams getting louder from the pleasure and so she could block out her thoughts.  Ryan didn’t let himself go until he could feel (and hear) Whitney’s orgasm move throughout her body – then and only then did he release what was pent up inside of him, what had been building since Whitney took off her coat in at Isabelle’s.  He stayed inside of her as long as possible, and when his cock slipped out, he laid beside her.  Her breasts had practically spilled out of her bra, and both their bodies were slick with sweat for how long they’d been going for. 

They were silent for a long while, regaining their breath and re-thinking about everything that had just happened.  “Snook?”

“Sweetness?”

“I—I know I’ve asked you this before, but—you don’t think I’m a bad person for cheating on Calum and Aaron, do you?”

“No way,” he said.  “They weren’t good enough for you anyways.  Do you think I’m a bad person for cheating on Justine and Kayla?”

“No,” Whitney answered without hesitation.  “I would have—I don’t know if this is bad to say—”

“Say it, sweetness.”

“I would have, like, seduced you,” she revealed.  “And, like, I wouldn’t have cared, either.  I wasn’t going to let another girl have you.”

“You wouldn’t have had to do that.  The day I don’t want you is the day I’m dead in a casket.”

Whitney couldn’t help but giggle.  “Sometimes I don’t even think it’s cheating, what we did,” she continued.  “And I don’t know why.”

“Because we love each other.  Because you’re my sweetness,” he said.

Whitney could hear the tiredness in his voice.  This could be a conversation for another day.  Another day when her thoughts were threatening to bubble up more frequently.  She gave him one last kiss.  “Sleep tight, Snook,” she cooed as she lay her head on his chest.

“I will because you’re here, Whit.”

She felt his breathing steady.  She felt his chest rise and fall with every breath.  She tried to sleep.  She really tried.  But no matter how hard she tried, the thoughts kept coming back. 

Why have we been doing this in secret for ten years?

Why can’t we be together officially?

Why won’t you call me your girlfriend?

Why won’t you marry me?

***

“If you bring up any of that chickpea pasta bullshit Tyson’s not gonna be the only one with a history of glass in his leg.”

Nate snorted at Ryan’s deadpan delivery.  “Buddy, cool your engines.”

“Cool your engines?  What are you, my grandmother?!”

“Chill!”

“This is a good restaurant.  I like this place.  You can’t embarrass me here,” Ryan said sternly, opening the door to Gusto 101.  “I mean it, you freak.  No funny business.  Just be normal.”

The boys couldn’t stop giggling with each other as they were greeted by the hostess and led to their table.  They couldn’t even stop when they sat down with their menus, keeping up with the jabs and the jokes between looking at the menu and ordering.  It was just like when Nate got drafted again.  Those were memorable days, when they were just kids – Nate, a gawky 18-year-old with bad teeth from Nova Scotia; and Ryan, a 22-year-old who played guitar with a penchant to take the younger kids under his wing.  They hit it off right away.  Nate became “The Dogg”.  Ryan became “Factor”.  They suffered through some, well…interesting teammates and seasons in Colorado together, even playing together multiple times at the World Championships.  Now, they were both Stanley Cup Champions.  While Ryan’s exit from Colorado would always be considered a bit messy, he enjoyed his time there, and Nate (and Tyson Barrie) were the reasons why.  He kept in touch with both regularly, and visited in the summers.  They always found themselves in Toronto at one point or another. 

“Sucks that you had to get injured just a few games into the trade,” Nate remarked as they waited for their lunch – Nate ordered the branzino while Ryan ordered the cacio e pepe pasta.

“From friendly fire, too.  It was Auston’s shot.”

“You’ll be back for the playoffs, though?” Nate asked.  Ryan nodded.  “You must be stoked that you’re here.”

“It’s exciting,” Ryan said, trying to contain his emotions.  While Nate would have completely understood, they were also out in public.  In Ryan’s car, or a hotel room, it would have been a different story.  “When I found out, and I called my parents – I swear Nate, I don’t think I’ve ever heard my mom happier.  Even the conversation I had with my dad.  I’ll never forget it.”

“It’s a big deal,” Nate said.  “It’s Toronto, man.  You can be a piece of the legacy.  You know that you have what it takes.  And being healthy for the playoffs will only make you hungrier.”

Ryan was already itching to get back.  Having a broken finger was annoying because the rest of him worked, but the smallest, almost-most-insignificant part of his body wasn’t working – and he had ten of them!  It just so happened that one of the two most important fingers was broken.  The psychological torture of not being able to play when he was so ready to fucking go, especially since he spent so much time already not playing due to his broken foot, was worse.  “Yeah.  I’ll be hungry.  I want it again.”

“I want it again too, man.  Watch it,” Nate joked.

“You come for me and I’m avenging Tyson.  I’ll put you through a table,” Ryan deadpanned again.

Nate giggled.  “Why do you always turn to violence bro?  I thought all those guitars and folk music were supposed to mellow you out.”

Nate updated him on Colorado things, where he was living now and the dynamics of the team.  When their meals came, they ate, but still talked through it.  Ryan updated him on the dynamics of the Leafs and how he’d already been recognized while out and about in the city – something that rarely happened in both Colorado and St. Louis. 

“You’re not living in a hotel, are you?” Nate asked.

“No way, dude.”

“Then where are you staying?”

Ryan hesitated.  “Uh, up in Summerhill.”

Nate knew he’d heard the name of the neighbourhood before, but for a second, he couldn’t remember where from.  It wasn’t just mentioned whenever he’d pop over to Toronto for the BioSteel camp in the summers, and it wasn’t because he’d ever been there before.  And then it hit him.  “Wait, you mean with your friend Whitney?”

“Yeah, with Whitney.”

Nate and Whitney met during Nate’s first season in Colorado.  She’d visited Ryan during her Reading Week at Ryerson and took in three games.  It was the February after Gareth had passed away, so it was still a very emotional time for Whitney and Ryan.  Given that Whitney and Nate were the same age – she was only three days older than him – Ryan brought him and Tyson out with them every chance he got.  She took a liking to them quickly (especially Tyson) and had a lot of fun on the trip in general.  Nate and Tyson didn’t know they were hooking up, and they still didn’t know now.  Just friends.  She’s like my little sister.  But Nate always found it odd that when he started flirting one night after a few beers, Ryan had pulled him aside.  Absolutely the fuck not.  Nate didn’t see what the big issue was since she was flirting back.  Nate lay off, out of respect for Ryan, but he still found it odd.

Nate wondered whether he should even ask the question, but they were both grown men now, both Stanley Cup champions, both friends with respect for one another.  “Anything ever happen with her?”

Ryan played the fool.  “What do you mean?”

Nate rolled his eyes.  “There was a reason why I was flirting with her when she came to Colorado during my rookie year.  She’s cute, and she’s your type,” he said.  “Has anything ever happened between you two?”

Ryan thought back to a few weeks ago, after the game in Buffalo, when he spit on her fingers and demanded she touch herself while giving him a blowjob.  He thought back to just a few nights ago, where she got all dolled up for him in some pretty pink lingerie because she knew it was his favourite.  “No.  Nothing,” he shook his head.

“I can’t believe you, dude,” Nate said.  “No no no – I don’t believe you—”

“—Nate, I told you she’s like my little sister—”

“Bull!  That shit is said all the time.  I bet you’ve been hooking up with her and you just haven’t told anyone.”

“Nate.”

“I’m just asking you to be honest with me, bro.”

“You want me to be honest?  Okay, I’ll be honest,” Ryan prefaced.  He’d have to hide this well.  It wouldn’t be his proudest moment, but he had to do it.  “You remember when she came during your rookie season and I told you about her brother dying?”  Nate nodded his head.  “Gareth was my best friend, Nate.  And at 22 I had to see him die.  And I had to help Whitney through it too.  As my best friend lay in a casket, I promised him that I’d take care of Whit.  I’m not backing out of that promise.”

Nate stayed silent for a few moments, the weight of the words hanging between the two men as they looked at each other.  “Listen, man, I get it.  I understand,” he said in a much calmer voice.  “You guys have been through hell and back.  But isn’t the best way to take care of her…I don’t know, loving her?”

“I do love her, just not in that way.”

“Does she know that?  That you love her but not in that way?  Because she hasn’t had a serious boyfriend in a while, right?  What if she’s waiting for you?”

Ryan hesitated for the briefest of moments that Nate didn’t even notice.  “She’s not waiting for me.”

“Are you waiting for her?”

“No.”

“Alright bro, alright.  I’ll drop it,” Nate held his hands up slightly in defeat.

They continued talking about a myriad of other things.  When the bill came, they fought over who’d pay.  Ryan walked him back to his hotel and they hugged goodbye, despite knowing they’d see each other again at the arena after the game.  Ryan decided to walk around a little bit.  To think.

He thought about what Nate had to say about him and Whitney – about whether she was waiting for him or whether he was waiting for her.  He had answered the questions definitively but not honestly, because he didn’t know the true answer.  Was he unknowingly waiting?  Was Whitney?  But what superseded everything else was the promise he’d made to Gareth.  Ryan wanted to think that he’d upheld it, even just in his personal life.  Winning the Cup.  Winning the Conn Smythe.  But just buying a house for Whitney wasn’t enough.  Supporting her and making sure she was financially stable wasn’t enough.  What Ryan had a hard time admitting to himself was that he’d failed in his promise to Gareth, in many aspects, but in particular on July 9, 2015.  When he was arrested for drunk driving.

But nobody knew the real story.  Nobody knew that there wasn’t just two men in the truck that night.  Nobody knew the real reason Ryan was on the road in the first place.

Nobody knew that Whitney had been in the truck with him. 

Whitney had been at a summer party at the University of Western Ontario with some friends.  She’d been drinking all day and night without pacing herself.  It was the second summer since Gareth had passed away and she wasn’t taking it well.  She was very clearly trying to mask all of her emotions in alcohol and it wasn’t working out.  So, she did the only thing she thought to do: she called Ryan to pick her up.  He came in his old truck with his friend Burnsey, from their own party, and picked up Whitney and her friend Jessica.  They were all stuffed into the vintage trunk when Burnsey had the bright idea to get coffee to sober the girls up before they got home. 

Disaster obviously struck.  And when it did, the impact was so severe that they all jerked forward, but only Whitney’s head struck the dash – and struck it hard.  So hard that she passed out momentarily.

Ryan freaked out.  He knew for sure she had a concussion – he’d had his fair share in his lifetime, and Whitney passing out was a horrible sign.  He automatically knew that he was going to get in trouble for this – it seemed like everything was moving at a million miles an hour – but that didn’t concern him.  All he cared about was Whitney’s safety – that she didn’t get caught up in his trouble – and her health.  He didn’t care about anything else.  He looked directly at Jessica.  “Get Whitney out.  Get out.”

“But Ryan—”

“Carry her out.  Go!  She can’t be in here.”

“Bro, you can’t take the fall!  Put her at the wheel passed out—” Burnsey began.

“Fuck off!!!” Ryan yelled at Burnsey, turning his attention back to Jessica.  “Get.  Whitney.  Out!”

Jessica was at Western on a female wrestling scholarship, so it was very easy for her to get Whitney over her shoulder and run into the neighbourhood that was right behind the Tim Horton’s.  After this, things became a blur, with Burnsey yelling that they needed to skip town and Ryan only caring out Whitney and whether or not she was okay.  He remembered getting back in his car to find her.  He remembered the police coming.  He remembered the cops asking him to return to the Tim Horton’s, him asking them to make sure Whitney was okay and bring her to an emergency room, and the cops asking if she had been in the car with him.  He remembered saying no.

He remembered getting arrested after failing the breathalyzer. 

He was released easily on bail, and the first thing he did wasn’t to hire a lawyer.  It was going to see Whitney in the hospital.  She’d suffered a grade 2 concussion.  The nurse told him that Whitney couldn’t remember where she was the night before or how she’d suffered the concussion, and was positive Whitney would suffer post-concussion symptoms.  Her memory was foggy, she was experiencing headaches and dizziness, she was sensitive to light, and she couldn’t focus for more than a few minutes on something.  She was also crying a lot – emotional regulation was usually an issue in concussions.

“She seems to be speaking a bit of gibberish too, which is confusing,” the nurse told him.  “Do you know what or who a Snook is?  She keeps asking for Snook.  ‘Where’s Snook?’ ‘I need Snook.’  What or who is a Snook?”

When Whitney woke up, she cried when she saw him.  The nurse finally realized who Snook was.

Mr. Napier was called when she was discharged since Ryan couldn’t drive for 48 hours.  Mr. Napier was angry, understandably, and when the kids were home, Brian O’Reilly came over and demanded the full story from Ryan, who was honest with them both.  A lawyer was called. 

The entire event still angered Ryan to think about.  It upset him more than anything else, and it made him so disappointed in himself.  For his carelessness, for his stupidity.  It didn’t matter that his reputation took a huge blow, especially after the arrest made the news.  It didn’t matter that people made jokes about it, that whenever his name was mentioned now, or anybody wanted to make a joke about him, all they had to mention was Tim Horton’s and everybody understood the reference.  It didn’t matter that he was going to go to court and would have to defend himself.  What mattered the most was that his stupidity and his carelessness hurt Whitney.  He gave her a concussion.  A grade 2 concussion.  She spent almost two months with headaches and dizziness and other post-concussion symptoms, crying often because it was hard to do the things she loved and hard to regulate her emotions.  Ryan had promised a dead Gareth only two years prior as he lay in his casket that he would take care of Whitney, and he hadn’t done that.  The incident ruined him emotionally, and he still hadn’t gotten over it.  He’d hurt the one person he loved most in the world.  He couldn’t live with himself. 

He hadn’t taken care of her.  He hadn’t protected her, and Ryan had convinced himself that he couldn’t protect her up to the standard he pushed on himself. 

He couldn’t risk hurting her again.

***

Whitney had an array of photo albums in the house that chronicled her childhood.  She’d made copies of the photos in the albums her parents had so she didn’t have to go over there every time she wanted to reminisce.  School days, family trips, birthdays, backyard shenanigans with her brothers and friends.  Organized in chronological order, of course. 

There a few pictures in particular that brought her so much joy.  A picture of her, Owen, and Gareth at her thirteenth birthday, with the cake Gareth made from scratch that was as hard as a rock.  She loved the picture because she remembers being so happy in that moment.  A picture of her, her mother, her maternal grandmother, and her great grandmother: four generations of Gray women, reunited in North Berwick, Scotland.  A picture of Owen, Gareth, their dad, their paternal grandfather, and their great-grandfather: four generations of Napier men reunited in Edinburgh, Scotland, during the same trip.  A picture from her Sweet Sixteen where Cal, Owen, Tara, Gareth, Ryan, and Shannon decorated a ridiculous hot pink cowboy hat with pompoms, stickers, patches, glitter, sparkles, buttons, and so much more for her.  Just looking at the pictures brought back so many memories for her.  Memories of Gareth’s smile.  Memories of Cal and Owen doing handstand competitions to see who would last the longest.  Memories of Tara and Shannon’s laughs which were identical.  Memories of Cal, Ryan, Owen, and Gareth having Super Smash Brothers competitions.  Memories of the O’Reillys and Napiers going to Toronto to watch Ryan play in the GTHL for the Jr. Canadiens AAA.  Memories of secret lingering stares between her and Ryan as they got older. 

There was a photo album that she kept in her bedroom closet, more or less under a lock and key.  Photos she went to develop herself, ever since she turned sixteen.  Photos of just her and Ryan.  At first, she’d buy disposable cameras from Shoppers.  But then, Blackberries and iPhones had come out too, and she was lucky enough to have inherited Owen’s old iPhones until she could afford her own.  Anytime she and Ryan were alone together, she took pictures.  Pictures of them cuddling or posing together.  Pictures of Ryan playing the guitar for her.  Pictures of Ryan making a stupid face.  Pictures of them kissing.  Picture of them holding each other’s hand.  Ryan would take pictures of her at sunset with the beaches of Lake Huron in the background.  He’d take pictures of her wherever he brought her for sightseeing in Colorado, Buffalo, or St. Louis.  He’d take pictures of her at his houses or in hotel rooms wearing his shirts and just panties.  Sometimes she’d send him similar pictures taken by herself.  He was always appreciative.

Whitney checked the time, and when she saw it, she knew Ryan was going to wake up soon, have a shower, and that they’d have to get ready to head to the game.  She quietly put the photo album away, looking at Ryan sleeping peacefully in her bed.  She walked over and climbed into bed slowly and carefully, making sure not to wake him as she did.  For a while, she sat beside him, just admiring his features.  He was so handsome.  He hadn’t always been – he definitely had to grow into his looks.  She often tried to picture in her mind what their kids would look like, if she were ever to be so lucky.  Would they get Ryan’s nose?  Her eyes?  Did Ryan think about things like this too?

Why are we keeping this a secret?

Why won’t you be with me, Snook?

What’s wrong with me that you won’t be with me?

What did I do wrong?

Whitney regained her composure.  She pushed the thoughts down. 

Instead, she began to think of things that she loved about him, that she’d always loved about him…which was everything.  His kindness.  His protective nature.  His humour.  His generosity and capacity to give.  His mental and physical strength.  His passion.  His beard.  His nose.  His hands.  His body.  His thighs.

She moved her body closer to his and began to place the lightest of kisses on his face.  He didn’t move at first, but the kiss on the tip of his nose and on either side of his lips made his eyes flutter open slowly.  He stayed silent, coming to consciousness, realizing that she was placing kisses along his jawline.  “Whit?”

“Hi Snook.”

He smiled, still feeling her kisses.  “I could get used to waking up like this.”

Whitney smiled too.  “I’d love for that to happen.”

“I dreamt about you,” he told her, feeling her kisses along his neck.

“Tell me,” she said, kissing lower.

“Remember that night in Buffalo?”

He didn’t even have to specify which one he was talking about despite the numerous times she made the trip there.  She knew exactly which night he was referring to.  “How could I forget?”

“It was something like that,” he mumbled, a smile building on his face.

“Remember that time in the hot tub at your place in Denver?” Whitney asked between kisses.

Ryan hummed before giggling slightly.  “How could I forget about that?” he asked.  He still remembered how good she looked in the bikini she wore, which barely covered anything anyway and didn’t even last long on her, either.  He wondered briefly if she still had it.  She probably did.  “You’re so sexy, Whit.  Always.”

“Oh yeah?  Even now?” she asked.  She draped herself over his thighs, her hair falling over the top of her hoodie.  “So you’d oppose if I take this off?  Cause it’s sooo sexy?”

“You’re the worst,” he joked.  He felt her hand cup his growing erection through his track pants.  “C’mon, take it off, baby.”

Whitney obliged, sitting up momentarily to do just that before draping herself over his thighs again.  She wasn’t wearing anything special underneath, but she knew Ryan would still appreciate the view.  “Lift your hips up, baby,” she whispered, and he did so quickly.  She pushed his pants and underwear down, freeing his cock.

“See what you do to me?” he asked as she stroked his cock in her hands.

“You make me feel the same way, you know.  Always,” she whispered.  “Sometimes all I have to do is look at you and all I can think about is what you do to me.” 

Whitney kissed the tip of his cock, sucking it into her mouth soon after, causing Ryan to curse under his breath.  She maintained eye contact with him as she bobbed her head up and down slowly, taking her time.  She wanted to take it nice and slow, and she knew Ryan would like that, too. 

“You’re so beautiful, Whit,” Ryan cooed, pushing some of her hair out of her face so he could get a clearer look. 

“So beautiful with your cock in my mouth?”

“So beautiful always,” he clarified.  “But yeah, with my cock in your mouth too.”  Whitney gave him a cheeky look.  She swirled her tongue around a few times, taking him deeper, but still taking her time.  Her free hand wandered up and down where his thigh had been exposed, moving up to his abs eventually, nails grazing along his skin.  Seeing his cock go deeper down her throat was getting him hot.  “Let me take off your bra.”

Whitney indulged him, releasing his cock with a slight pop before moving up so he could reach around her and unclasp her bra.  She pulled it off, tossing it on the other side of the bed.  “C’mere, Whit,” Ryan huffed, pulling her forward so that her boobs were right in his face. 

Before she could protest, he buried his face between them, kissing and licking the skin there before taking one of her nipples into his mouth and sucking gently, causing her to gasp.  While she loved how it felt, her mind was preoccupied with what she wanted to do to him – and now that he’d taken off her bra, she knew exactly what that was.  “This is supposed to be about you,” she said, running her fingers through his hair before tugging him away.

“It’s never just about me, baby.  It’s always about you,” he hummed.

“Let me make you feel good, Ry.  C’mon baby,” she cooed, moving back down and draping herself over his thighs again, taking his cock back in her hands and mouth.  She went deeper than she had before.  “I’m yours, remember?”

He nodded.  “You’re mine, sweetness.”

“So show me I’m yours,” she said before taking his cock down her throat again. 

Ryan knew what she meant by that.  And as she went deeper, and deeper, and deeper, and he began to feel his cock hit the back of her throat, he knew he was getting closer, and closer, and closer.  He gathered her hair in his hands again and helped her along, his hips buckling soon after.  “Whit, I’m—”

“Let go of my hair,” she commanded immediately.  Ryan did as he was told and she started stroking him, quickly.  “Show me I’m yours, baby.  Come for me.”

“Whit—”

“C’mon, Ry.  I wanna see your cum on my chest.”

Ryan groaned and called out her name as he saw his cum shoot right onto Whitney’s chest, right along the tops of her breasts and in between them, her hand continuing to stroke him for every last drop.  He closed his eyes momentarily, almost unable to process what Whitney just did.  He couldn’t remember the last time she didn’t swallow – come to think of it, he didn’t think she ever hadn’t – but to think that she wanted it this way, that she wanted it on her, almost as if to mark her…God, he was gonna self-combust.  He watched as she kissed the tip of his cock one last time before posing as she was draped over his thighs, his cum on her chest in full view.  “Like what you see, baby?” she asked, making her voice sound innocent.  Ryan couldn’t respond – he was speechless.  She giggled at his lack of response.  “Use your words, Ry.  Did you like that?”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Whit,” he was breathless.

“Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain,” she warned cheekily.  She made a point to glance over to the clock and check the time.  “You should really get into the shower or else you’re gonna be late.”

“You better get in with me.”

She rolled her eyes.  “I don’t know if I—”

“—No no,” Ryan interrupted, grabbing at her wrist.  “That wasn’t a request.  It’s a demand.”

***

Whitney felt like she still had a natural blush on her cheeks from what she and Ryan got up to in the shower.  She wondered if anybody else in the friends and family room saw it.  With it being March 17th, St. Patrick’s Day, the Leafs were wearing their special St. Pat’s jerseys, which she got a kick out of, but it gave a bigger contrast to the red in her cheeks.  Even though Ryan wasn’t playing, he had a few jerseys made for him, and he gave one to her to keep.  The other girls were wearing their green jerseys in the family room, excited about the game against Carolina.  Aberdeen told her a story about how, when she worked for Brendan, these jerseys were the bane of her existence.  Whitney didn’t even know Aberdeen had been Brendan’s executive assistant; she’d always just assumed Aberdeen wrote.  Aberdeen explained it was where she met William.  It all made sense.

The boys were heading straight to Ottawa to start another nine-day road trip, which would see them play the Senators, Islanders, Panthers, Hurricanes, and Predators.  Ryan wouldn’t be home again until next Sunday, late at night, so it was going to be a lonely nine days.

Bee had immediately taken attention to her when she got there.  They ordered burgers and fries, sitting next to each other as the boys skated on the ice for the pre-game warm up.  “I feel like between the parties and people around us during the games, we haven’t gotten to talking to get to know each other one on one,” Bee grimaced before she took a bite out of her burger.

“You’re right,” Whitney said.  “It’s just been such a whirlwind being here, too.  What do you do when I don’t see you at hockey games?”

“I work in finance at Scotiabank,” Bee said.  “I help people manage their money and investments and make sure they make money.”

“That actually sounds quite productive.”

“It’s not as glamourous as it sounds.  I love my job and the people I work with, but sometimes, I realize that I’m surrounded by people who are obsessed with money all day.  It’s good in the sense that I can leave everything at work.  When I’m home, I’m home, you know?  I’m not thinking about how the stock market is doing.  Plus, it’s what I went to school for, and it’s what I’m good at.  What about you?”

“Oh, nothing special or important at all.  I work a desk job at a PR agency, but it’s nothing fancy,” Whitney said.  “It basically pays my bills, but if something better came along, I’d take it.”

“Did you go to school for PR?”

“I went to Ryerson for communications, so sort of,” she explained.  You know…” she began, hesitating slightly.  She only met Bee a few times, but she didn’t sniff out an ounce of judgemental attitude on her at all.  “You know when you just do something to say you have a degree, but it’s not really what you want to do?  You just kind of do it so you can live and get to do the things you enjoy?”

“Of course,” Bee nodded.  “So what is it you enjoy?”

“The stuff that makes life great.  This,” she nodded her head towards the ice.  “Finding interesting recipes online and trying them out.  Reading good books.  Travelling.  Being with family.”

“I hear ya.  Focusing your attention on what really counts.  What really matters.”

“Exactly.  And…I mean, at the end of the day, I want nothing more than to become a mom,” Whitney revealed.  “I know that’s very—”

“—You don’t need to defend or apologize for your desire to become a mother more than anything.  No woman should have to apologize for that.  That’s the beauty of feminism,” Bee said quickly.  Whitney nodded, because she understood.  She was a staunch feminist too.  “And I totally get you.  I want to become a mom too, but I just wanted to build my career first.”

“I’ve just always pictured myself as a mom first.  I’ve always wanted a big family.  Kids, dogs, cats, house in the city – you name it.  Shuffling them around to hockey or dance or tennis – that’s how I want to be in the future.  That’s what I want out of life.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that.  That actually sounds quite lovely,” Bee smiled genuinely.

“Just waiting for my Prince Charming, I guess,” Whitney blurted out before her mind could realize what she was saying. 

“Haven’t found him yet, hmm?” Bee asked.

Whitney thought of Ryan.  “Not yet, unfortunately.”

He wants to keep it a secret.

There’s something holding him back.

There’s something wrong with me.  There has to be.

I must have done something wrong.

[wherewhereare]

Started following Shefani recently so not really up to date on all of their idiosyncrasies. Noticed that Gwen has been silent on social media while they have been on vacation, is this normal? I know that she tries to keep the boys presence on SM to a minimum but nothing of her or Blake. I’m aware of the tabloid stories but her silence on SM makes the thought creep in that maybe something is wrong. Just trying to get some more background as I haven’t followed the entire relationship.

Gwen use to be on SM so often that the fandom got addicted to it. The ebbing off started with King not wanting to be on SM so much, and many believe Blake might have asked her to back off a bit. It really started with her meeting Blake with bits and pieces during S7 of the Voice, and then really ramping up in S9. Once they were formally out there as a couple it went out the roof.

So, we are now forced to live with a much-reduced output on Gwen's part, but she still surprises us with some sweet moments. It is my belief why she went so crazy in the beginning, was because she was beginning the second phase of her life with her soul mate, and it felt so refreshing and made her feel alive. It was almost like she was a teenager again madly in love with her boyfriend. It is how she acted and still does. What is interesting is when she wrote "This is What the Truth Feels Like) album, is that it is a bit bi-polar. It starts off with sad and mad songs and the second half all about falling in love. Even her writers saw it happen. The lyrics tell a lot.

Those of us that have been around awhile are not worried about them breaking up. They have been attracted to each other ever since they met. During S7 they were intrigued with each other, and Blake, with his humor, made her feel better when she as on set.

Both of them believe their relationship was meant to be, and that everything that happened before was a test/preparation for what they are enjoying now.

Anyone that has met them have all said the same thing that you can just tell that they are just madly in love with each other. Just as much today, as it was 7 years ago.

Since you are a bit behind, there are a couple of blogs here that you might want to explore. @shefaniquotes , whose blog is dedicated to statement Blake and Gwen have said about each other, as well as others that provide insights from the outside. @blakegwenstory is the full timeline with lots of backup. Unfortunately, it is in reverse order, with the beginning on the bottom. Shefani Archive (shefani-archive.info) is a web site run by "Nicole", and Aussie. She is not active on Tumblr anymore, but her site documents a lot from articles, videos, pap photos, you name it. Nicole pays for the pap photos out her pocket (accepts donations). And finally, I have been keeping timeline documents in PDF, starting with the original from Tumblr developed from the very beginning, and I have since added one document for each year. I do update them on occasions because as I find out about more stuff, I update the applicable document. MediaFire - File sharing and storage made simple

It has been fun to be on the journey with them. I have always called their relationship a Harlequin romance novel being written in real time.

[just-a-carrot]

HELLO CARROT!

Given how apparently I’m immune to playing OW games without recording them now, you’ll audibly hear my thoughts within the next few weeks (I’m posting tomorrow because I’m an absolute maniac), BUT I WANNA SAY THINGS HERE BECAUSE APPRECIATION CAN’T WAIT THAT LONG!

Also Merry Christmas! It’s midnight when I’m writing this, so ‘tis the day of caroling and festivities and woah. Or happy holidays if you don’t celebrate!

Back to the Our Cinderella topic, I have only played Genzou’s route as of now (I’m sure that’s hardly surprising, he is my fav), but the others are next. Their time is coming. They cannot escape. SO SPOILERS FOR GENZOU’S ROUTE!

First off, I saw you included the little dancing in front of TV Iggy pose and the joy I felt seeing it was off the charts. I kept bringing it up, I was very happy. And seeing Iggy moving about was really cool in general, even without the novelty of seeing a suggestion I made exist in the game.

NEXT UP! Genzou drunk singing is an image I didn’t know I needed, thank you for the visual and the brain food. BUT ALSO I HAVE BEEN CONNECTING JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR SONGS TO OW FOR SO LONG AND HEARING THE MUSICAL BE MENTIONED BY GENZOU THREW ME FOR A LOOP. Great musical, very nice. Last Supper reminds me of Genzou and Orlam. Judas’s voice in general reminds me of Orlam. Musicals and OW can further connect in my brain hobby drawer.

The text interactions in general were really funny, actually. I liked the absolute chaos that was Iggy and Genzou’s text conversations, I was laughing while trying to read a lot of the time. I remember the aforementioned drunk singing conversation and the puddle one both got me pretty good while I was reading, and it was overall fun to see more lighthearted conversations from the characters, even if it’s in a different universe from the main canon.

To end things off, ‘cause again 1) I haven’t finished all the game’s routes yet, and 2) you’ll be able to hear my thoughts in the moment if you choose in future anyways, I wanna mention the version of Cinderella Bucks tells at the end? I can’t get it out of my head. When I was thinking about the game after having just played it, my mind kept flashing back to CinderJesus. It absolutely decimated my brain function, but in a very fun way. More slice-of-life Bucks, please, she’s peak comedy.

Very fun game, 10/10, very sad I couldn’t buy the Kirby in the first playthrough but it’s on my to-do list, aaaand yeah! Thank you for making this! I loved every minute of it, and I’m really excited to play the remaining routes once my irl festivities are over.

sob this is so sweet! 😭💕 i'm excited to watch your playthrough too -- things are a bit overwhelming in general for me right now as i'm still with my family and doing a bunch of things, but even if i'm unable to find time this week i will for sure watch once i'm back home next week. i'm really happy that you're enjoying it so much already tho ahhhh and that you're finding it so entertaining 🥺

i'm glad you liked the poses i had so much fun with them and also using some of the suggestions to add more! and LMAO JCS is a musical i grew up watching (my parents used to play the original album in the house lol) so i get the songs stuck in my head a lot, hence why it randomly worked its way into this (among many other random silly little references or inspirations from my own life hahaha). that is extremely funny to me 🤣

i'm glad you liked the convos they were the epitome of silly. and also bucks's part hahaha. i was half-worried it would end up being too ridiculous and random for people because it just got so weird in places hahaha

thank you so much for this lovely message and all of your thoughts and for playing the game! 🥺💕 i look forward to watching the playthrough so i can see all of your reactions in real-time lakjdfs

[tisthenightofthewitch]

Ghost and Def Leppard’s Joe Elliott on ‘Spillways’ collab: “It was this big love-in”

Ghost frontman Tobias Forge and Def Leppard vocalist Joe Elliott have spoken to NME about working together on their collaboration ‘Spillways’, as well as their morning spent together in an Irish pub and why Måneskin are proof that the rock revival is real.

‘Spillways’ originally featured on Ghost’s 2022 album ‘Impera’ but earlier this year the theatrical rockers released a reworked version featuring the Def Leppard icon. Speaking to NME, Elliott described it as “this big love-in.”

He has been a fan of Ghost since the release of 2015’s ‘Meliora’ after being introduced to them by band Phil Collen and really loved ‘Impera’. “I played the shit out of Ghost’s music on my [Planet Rock] radio show, and then we saw that they had been bigging us up in the press,” said Elliott.

Forge then revealed that a lot of ‘Impera’ was actually inspired by Def Leppard.

“I’ve always been a fan but with this album, I really looked at their songwriting,” he said. “I have always been in awe of several Def Leppard records, but especially the big ones like ‘Pyromania’ and ‘Hysteria’. Not only are they great, but they achieved such commercial success that they’ve become a great example of how a lot of arguments in the pop world are wrong.”

Forge continued: “We’re constantly told we need to get to the chorus quickly, that songs need to be short and to the point but Def Leppard songs are often the complete opposite of that. I wanted to do something similar with ‘Impera’.”

With a lot of very public, very mutual respect, Ghost and Def Leppard’s respective teams started talking about possible collabs. “Out of nowhere, I got word Joe would love to collaborate,” said Forge.

However, those conversations were happening while Ghost were in the middle of an ambitious headline tour and while Def Leppard were playing sold-out stadiums with Mötley Crüe.

“I heard that it was on, but we kept missing each other because of how busy we both were,” said Elliott. “So I grabbed the bull by the horns and just went and sang the fucking thing. By the time we finally got to speak, I had already recorded ‘Spillways’ because I was chomping at the bit.”

Elliott continued: “I love that song so much. The keyboard intro blew me away the first time I heard it – with a band like Ghost having the balls to do something so unexpected like recording a hybrid of ‘Jane’ by Jefferson Starship and ‘Hold The Line’ by Toto. I really took a shine to it. It was the flagship moment for me, on what is a fantastic album. As soon as I knew a collab was probably going to happen, I just got on with it.”

Forge described to NME how he was “blown away” he first heard Elliott’s vocal on the reworked track.

“I instantly thought it was amazing and Joe’s vocals really add another layer to the song,” he said. “What he put on it was so different from what I had, but it still gelled. I was surprised by how similar we sounded though.”

Elliott agreed: “I think we do sound similar. I’m from Yorkshire but I don’t sound like it because [singing in that accent] wasn’t cool until Arctic Monkeys came along. Certain people have said they can’t tell Tobias and I apart – but I take that as a compliment. ’Spillways’ was never broken to begin with, so I wasn’t going to come in and change what he had originally done.

“If I was going to sing ‘Blackbird’ by The Beatles, I wouldn’t be changing the melody because it’s already perfect. Same with ‘Spillways’. It didn’t need fixing.”

The recording was done, but the first phone call between Forge and Elliott still lasted nearly three hours. “We realised we had a lot of common ground,” explained Elliott. “So when Tobias pitched the idea of making a video, of course I said yes but I couldn’t actually go anywhere because I was looking after my kids. So he compromised, bless him.

Elliott added: “He came over to Dublin and we went to my local which is about a mile and a half from my house. Luckily the landlord knows me, so they were more than happy to accommodate, and Tobais directed it like Steven fucking Spielberg.”

The result replaces Ghost’s typically numbered webisodes with ‘Meanwhile In Dublin’.

“The fact we’ve got this great song and then we ham it up with a bit of karaoke was just hilarious,” said Elliott of the video. “We were there for about four hours but we were only filming for maybe an hour. The rest of the time, we were just hanging out and talking.”

“Everything for me is about vibing,” continued Forge. “You cannot just point at one beautiful boy and one beautiful girl and say, ‘You two should totally fuck’ to create a love child. It’s about meeting and hanging out. What happened with this is luck.”

Elliott agreed that the move to work with Ghost was “never a career thing”.

“It wasn’t about either of our bands needing a lift because there’s certainly nothing wrong with either of our careers right now,” he said. “This was two fans getting together and working on a song for the love of it. That’s always been my favourite kind of project.”

So, can fans expect more collaborations between Tobias Forge and Joe Elliott?

“It has come up in the last while, and I’d be more than happy to,” replied Elliott. “Next time though, when we’ve both got some time off, I want us to actually find some neutral place where we can get together in a room with a little recorder, a couple of guitars, pen, paper, our brains, a bottle of wine and see what we come up with.”

He went on: “I would love to sit down and write a song with the guy because it would be fun. That’s our morning word, ‘Fun’. I don’t want to do it for a job, I just want to write together to see what we’d get. I want to play around and see where it goes.”

Later this year, Ghost are set to head out on a mammoth US headline tour after a high-profile slot at Download festival while Def Leppard’s Stadium Tour finally arrives in the UK. At the same time, bands like Metallica and Bring Me The Horizon are blowing up on TikTok while newer acts like Spiritbox, Code Orange and Nova Twins are speaking to a fresh generation of fans. How do the pair feel about a so-called rock resurgence?

“I’m in Mexico City where Def Leppard just played to 56,000 people,” said Elliott. “Ghost are playing to huge crowds as well. Metal, pop rock, soft rock, hard rock, whatever-the-fuck-rock has never really gone away in the eyes of the fans. It comes and goes though. It wasn’t big in the ‘80s until us and Bon Jovi came along and kicked it up the arse. Then it went underground again, before it turned into grunge, then emo. Who knows what’s coming next.”

Comparing it the film world, Forge explained how “hard rock has always been similar to horror, but especially nowadays”.

“You have these blockbuster horror films that would never, ever be considered for an Oscar because it’s a horror film, so it’s automatically seen as not that good,” he said. “That might change in time, but that is the stigma that metal and rock still has. It’s seen as not being as sophisticated as other things. You can’t have an argument against that, but you can still sell records, you can become big on streaming, you can sell tickets. You don’t have to be on daytime radio to be successful.”

Forge continued: “Look at a band like Måneskin. That’s a sign people don’t shy away from organic music. When we speak about the well-being of rock, there’s a common misunderstanding that if there’s going to be a resurgence, the classic bands are going to come back around. I’m counting on bands we don’t know leading the way.”

“In the early 2000s, I was completely estranged from a lot of popular music until bands like Franz Ferdinand, The Strokes and The Hives made it feel interesting again. That’s what we have ahead of us I think – a whole slew of 18-year-olds listening to [‘Spillways’] and feeling like they should go out and play music.”

Def Leppard and Mötley Crüe’s 2023 UK and Ireland tour kicks off in May. Visit here for tickets and information. Ghost meanwhile, perform alongside the likes of Slipknot, Bring Me The Horizon, Metallica, Placebo, Disturbed and Architects at Download 2023 this June. Visit here for tickets and more information.

NME

[guangchuans]

hey adam what did you think of the metamorph concert? oh funny you should ask! here :3

hi guys. i’ll pretend i know staging directing and anything more about music than “i like sounds” here 👍

first, critique:

the concert felt and was rather short. i understand why, but it was still sad to had it end so soon lol

my personal opinion here: i wish we got more older songs other than the iconic ones, but again, this is the guilty album concert, so i understand

he really did not do well on “not over you” and i’m glad he acknowledged it too, not just moving past a subpar performance

“want” also wasn’t the nicest imo? he sang that weirdly low, or at least that’s what i heard

maybe again, just my audio, but it really didn’t sound as if he actually Sung “advice” lol

this one i’ve said before but honestly, even taemin can’t do “move” now - the dance i mean. maybe it was the clothing here though bc on the show with akmu it was great. but yeah the red cloth outfit didn’t pair well with “move” imo and made the key hip movement look messy

this is not about taemin; the beyond live style of concert kind of deprived us of actual cinematography of it :/ like tell me why strings and black rose looked so much better on random fancams from 7 rows behind than… on the actual screen lol

general commentary:

he was so nervous. really. like i get why, again, i understand it all, and even that didn’t stop him from delivering some absolutely delicious stages, but ohhh brother he was nervous

why was the audience so. dead. like why did you hype up my man when he did good huh. i have to do everything in this house myself next time i’ll be the hype man nr 1

this is my lukewarm take: i didn’t enjoy the “criminal” rock version that much. it was very boring? the chord progression of the guitar sounded too much like a sample without much twist, and there were better ways to incorporate rock into that song imo

i think overall the ratio of lip sync to backing track to no backing track was reasonable and i do like that he didn’t try to lip sync much, just letting everyone see “yeah this is playback”

and now <3 praise and what i enjoyed <3

even though i really don’t like “the rizzness”, that opening was fucking insane. imagine starting a concert while hanging upside down. and singing while it. wow!

all the ment segments were so precious. it was clear he missed the audience for his solo stuff too. i know he’s been touring with shinee for half a year now and all but i imagine it’s different to know that these people came here only for you, you know? the interactions were cute and it was just… well it’s good to see the both sides of lee taemin :)

as i mentioned, the ratio of supported vocals to raw vocals was reasonable, but when he did actually sing… oh lee taemin. this is obviously a biased opinion because i genuinely love his voice, it was what made me fall in love with him as an artist in the first place. notable mentions of vocals imo:

“heaven” was perfectly delivered and a feast as always. the bridge in “heaven” is probably my top 5 taemin bridges, so it’s not surprising, but the energy on the stage while he performs that is So Good. MWAH

“light” was fun! i was dancing along, the playing with the dancers choreo is entertaining to watch and it’s a good time over all

after the flop of “not over you” he payed back with both “night away” and “blue” to me. “night away” especially, it felt so warm and so… just lovely. he nailed that

even though i don’t particularly enjoy “black rose” i can’t deny, it was so good. the choreo is always captivating and he sung it well

“door” … where do i even start. “door” is one of my favourite taemin songs of all time, and to see it executed in such a bold way was absolutely incredible and so enthralling, i felt enchanted listening to each new note and line. genuinely an amazing experience

some miscellaneous thoughts that i don’t know where to place:

i loved “impressionable,” the energy was so right for it, especially, well the D2 unzipped pants :)

the “strings” choreo is so sensual and sexy and yet in this classic taemin style of subtlety about it, it’s so nice to watch, to see him get lost in the pain/pleasure the song talks about. and there is almost, a grown aspect to it now, the aspect of like fully owning his body and what he does with it. very nice

“she loves me she loves me not” was cute, the choreography was very simple but still nice to look at, and i loved the energy on stage of it. the girl gang TM smiling and all :) good time!

rearrangements/special concert versions of songs:

as i mentioned above, i have lukewarm feelings about “criminal,” i didn’t dislike it, but it could have been better

LOVED the whole “danger” stage so much as well as “famous,” to me they’re like two sides of the same coin tbh. and something about both of them being in the same section as want mmm…

i wish i didn’t have to talk about “guilty” but i think i have to mention “guilty” too. the staging was absolutely gorgeous, the orchestral pieces at the beginning and before the bridge, the change in choreo of the dancers as if ensnaring him… it was delicious! such a good stage!

a separate section for the encore because i feel like it deserves it:

i don’t think it’s too untoward to think of jonghyun’s passing when it came to the date of the concert. i saw a few other mentions of it too, so i know i’m not alone in this belief. and this is not to suggest it was somehow planned this way with this date in mind, but rather, soemthing to just keep in the back of your head, i guess?

the whole encore was magical. opening the concert back up with “idea”, the orchestral version nonetheless, and staging that mixed both the hell and heaven aspects of the concept (light blue iridescent suit + dark stage lighting and fire) was delicious to witness and a great way to get the energy in the audience back up again

i don’t think i can talk much about what “pansy” means to me as a song without crying. maybe it’s stupid, because that’s exactly what the song was meant to do, but the fact that taemin co-wrote it too just… makes it so special :( and to know what… the sentiment of the song is probably even doubled now, to know that he came back from the enlistment, because so many fans kept loving him and his music and we stayed by his side even when he wasn’t there. this is just me being sappy i know but to hear “pansy” again made my heart sing

“i think it’s love” is a beautiful song and he sung it beautifully. it was a great encore choice, just an overall masterpiece

finishing the concert with “identity” of all his songs, on a concert named metamorph after the idea of metamorphosis, the imagery of cocoons and blooming and growth seen throughout the concert, with, once again, the significance of the date… it meant so much. it means so much. it was genuinely a moving performance, one that hooks you in and keeps you there, not letting you go. the emotion the execution the meaning behind it all… it just felt right, for that song to close the concert

CLOSING THOUGHTS

i’ve seen every taemin concert, save for the beyond live one in 2021, and this one fits into the theme beautifully. it’s a comeback, it’s a reminder that he’s still here, that he is Back, and he is back for good! as he said in one fan sign, this will go on for as long as he wants to and he will be the one to put the stop to it. i’m grateful for everything taemin did musically this year and i can’t wait to see him grow even more, as an artist and as a person. love you! if anyone read this whole thing leave me an 🍎 emoji in the replies hah <3

[fallingforel]

Hi! Could you write for Brad with prompt 19? Like the reader is part of the vamos and brad is up writing a sad song about his feelings towards the reader because he’s scared to mess it up. I really like your writing, it’s so good!!

a/n Hi lovely I would be delighted to write this also thank you for saying you like my writing it actually brightens my day up just a tinsy bit so thank you anywhoo on with the showww

PROMPT 19:“I’m worried about you.”

words:1,417

"Have you noticed the change in Brads behaviour?" I ask Tristan from where he's sat next to me.

I'm in a band called the vamps, it's all fairly new for us we're currently on the way to record our second album . I sing alongside Brad and everyone says our chemistry on stage is unbelievable and everyone says they're surprised we're not together yet to which I reply we're just best friends which we are, but I secretly wish we were more no one knows that though.

I mean for one we don't act like we're bestfriends, we always favour to sleep in the same bed, we've shared a few kisses but apart from that we're best-friends. But recently he's been pushing back I've ended up on my own in my own bed. Brad's not speaking to me as much only matters about the band, It feels like he doesn't want me there and it pains me because if two of us aren't getting along then it could cause me to leave the band and I really don't want to do that.

"Hmmm" Tristan says from beside me, clearly focusing on whatever was on T.V. more than what I was saying. "forget it I'll talk to him myself about it" I say getting up and wandering about the big mansion we were given by management for our 2nd album, to record whenever we get a new idea, mainly for Brad and I as we were the ones singing and writing but occasionally one of the others would write so it was all of us here. It was a big thing located in the heart of the L.A. suburbs and Brad and I both got our licenses so we could be able to do road trips while we were out here.

I pass all rooms on the ground floor, and there was nothing so I make my way up to the first floor and there is nothing in some of the rooms but I hear muffled noises coming from the in home studio. so I go to the end of the corridor and stand outside the room to hear whats going on

When you were mine, did I push you far away? Blame this whole weight on my shoulders Baring down on me But then I only had to see you Don't you know how good that feels? These are all the words I should've said

Did I miss my chance? Is it too late to say?

Now I'm half a world away from you But you're always on my mind There's a million words that I could've said And you might still be mine And if there's someone where I used to be I hope he tells you everyday The million words that I should've said I wish I could tell you always

It's brad singing his heart out but he sounds broken hearted, it sounds too close to the truth of how I'm feeling and it scares me. I hear rattling about in the studio so I walk away to find James. I needed some good advice and James was always the best for this,

He ended up being out on the balcony with kirstie, which surprised me I wasn't expecting her, she was my bestfriend after Brad

"KIRSTIE!, you didn't tell me you we're coming out here" "she didn't tell me either" "oh Hi James."

"Rude, didn't even acknowledge I was here. Anyway, hey y/n, whats up?" James asks making my face drop realising why I came out to the balcony in the first place "errr I came to find some advice from you" "Oh do you want me to go?" Kirstie asks "No no, I could actually do with both of your advice to be honest" I say as I'm taking a seat on the empty chair that's not occupied by one of the couple.

"So what did you need advice on?" Kirstie asks. "relationship." "Have you got in a relationship? got yourself a little boyfriend?" James asks "errr, no not quite. Do you know what I'm gonna explain the whole thing and then you can give me your advice both of you" I say flicking my eyes between where the two of them are sat.

"So as both of you know, Brad and I are best friends." I say which they both nod at. "Well, we've been sleeping in each others beds, been sharing a few drunk kisses, which I'm not sure he even remembers. So I caught feelings naturally, though I think they were already there anyway regardless what we've been up to. And then like two days ago he stopped sneaking into my bed, stopped kissing me when we were drunk, stopped talking to me about anything and everything and only specifically about band stuff. And I'm worried, so worried that it could cause one of us to leave the band and that would mess up the whole dynamic. So I went to go talk to him a minute ago and he was singing a song but it sounded dangerously close to our situation and you know Brad barely likes to sing about real situations that he goes through. That's me I like to sing about that. So what do you think I should do?"

"First off, we all kinda knew that you we're sleeping in eachothers beds because I caught brad come out in his boxers of your room. We all thought that something else was going on, If I'm honest. We knew about the drunk kisses, We literally watched it happen back in the U.K when we went out that night before we had to leave for the U.S. you and Brad had kissed but you didn't remember the next morning. As for the two days ago thing, maybe he's also realised the same feeling you're having and he doesn't think that you feel the same so he's pulling away and giving you space." James says "And the singing?" I ask. "well, he never writes and sings about situations that have happened to him. Because none have been worthy of that but what's going on with you two, is so worthy of that. It worked up enough motions in him for it to happen so don't worry about that. The best thing you can do now is talk to him don't let this drive a wedge between you two and also a wedge between the band because it will. you need to talk" "thanks I will right now."

And I'm rushing off to the studio again where Brad was. I knock on the door before I hear a hush "come in" just faint enough to hear and I'm opening the door to where Brad was sat on the sofa and sit next to him.

"Heard you're song. Are you okay?" "You weren't meant to hear that. Truth I'm not Y/n I can't keep going on like this. I can't keep not talking to you but I also can't keep acting like we're together, when we're not and you don't feel the same because It's driving me crazy because I wish we were something else." "who says I don't feel the same?" "You. two nights ago. I said I loved you and you said I don't feel the same way." "Brad that was a joke, of course I love you anyone would be blind to see that the way we act is because we love eachother not because we're just bestfriends Brad I love you and I miss you In my bed" I say standing up and crouching down to his level "You really feel that way?" "course I do. now kiss me you Idiot" and we start making out on the couch before Brad interrupts and says "Will you be my girlfriend" "yes Brad."

⋆｡°✩

yourusername

liked by jamesmcvey, bradleywillsimpson, and 30,000 others

Yourusername: think he looks pretty fit stood in the kitchen. free hugs are for girlfriends only😏

fan1: YOURE JOKING JAW IS SWINGING RN

fan 2: OMG!!! yes finally, took them long enough

thevampsfan:YOU ARE KIDDING FINALLY. NOW WE GET COUPLES MUSIC FROM BOTH OF THEM.

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⋆｡°✩

bradleywillsimpson

liked by tristanevans connorball and 67, 000 others

bradleywillsimpson: think my girlfriend looks pretty nice here @/yourusername

connorball: I think everyone was waiting for this, could've told us first though :(

↳yourusername: we did connor you seem to forget that

kirstiebrittain: happy for you two now we can have double dates

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[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

I will wait for the album to be out to make my opinion, of course, but once again it’s disappointment after disappointment for me. Sorry for being the party pooper… I’m honestly sad that Jungkook doesn’t have any credit. Not even for one song. I knew it was most probably going to be the case, but I still thought maybe one song would have his own color. I’m still excited to hear the new songs because at least we will have just him singing on a few tracks, but it will really have to be huge for me to be pleasantly surprised. He was my bias from day 1, I loved his solo songs so much, I know I may sound dramatic but I’m feeling so nostalgic now…

You're not being a party pooper! I understand your disappointment and this is a safe space to vent! I just don't quite share your feelings since I had no expectations for Jungkook to be credited on any of the tracks, and my main concern was the amount of collabs we would get and whether all the songs would be about sex. It seems we're getting a few ballads, and a good amount of solo songs, so I'm happy. My bar was just lower than yours haha.

I know we're used to JK having wiring credits on his songs (with the exception of Euphoria and Dreamers), but Euphoria is so Jungkook (it's literally the Jungkook song to most fans) and he didn't write it at all! It's possible that the songs have his own color in them, though it's not the same as SWY, for example. (But I'm skeptical about that as well.)

If it makes you feel any better, today I watched the Global Citizen performances uploaded to YT (Butter and Euphoria) and was once again massively disappointed by JK's performance. I know Euphoria is a hard track, but he did not sing the song well at all and he used to sing it in its entirety, while also dancing and flying over the audience. My mom asked what the point of performing a group song solo was unless he was doing all of it. Jungkook is literally the only member capable of doing the whole thing and he only sang half of Butter. Over 30% of his Global Citizen stage was him just raising the mic at the audience, other 25% was him simplifying notes and using falsettos for everything, and the rest was him actually singing like he was supposed to. Ridiculous to even write this about Jungkook, of all people. Sometimes, when he's on stage, it's like he's been taken over by an alien. I don't even recognize him, and can't reconcile the pride I used to feel watching him on stage with the disappointment and dread I feel now (it started with the Busan concert).

Now I'm being a party pooper, we're even! Thanks for the ask! Sorry the track list didn't excite you. Don't worry, I'm sure I'll complain lots when the album drops. You know me (assuming you do!).

PS: The nostalgia is real and I hate it, because I hate holding people up to the standards of who they used to be. It's not fair and I hated it when my mom did it to me. I don't like to believe that people get worse over time, just different... Some changes are positive.

[resonanceandempathy]

A Critical Look into NCT 127's Music

A Critical Look into NCT 127's Music

By H.D

Hello, this article is to open up a discussion about NCT 127’s music and to provide a new perspective that isn’t all praise and no criticism. 

The points in this article will be my first impression of the music, what differentiated their music from boy groups at the time and current opinions of their music. Keep in mind the first half of the article is my analysis of their discography before the 2 baddies album was released. The second half will be addressing the issues that were discussed earlier and whether these issues apply to the 2 Baddies album release. 

The Beginning

To keep this short I discovered NCT 127’s music by chance on YouTube. I watched their Cherry Bomb music video one day in 2018 and I loved it. If I could go back and experience watching it again I would. I was impressed and surprised at how experimental the song was. It had a good balance of vocals and rap that I appreciated. When I got to their songs that weren’t title tracks, I was amazed at the variety they possessed in their discography as there were songs that could satisfy someone like myself who was picky with the music I listened to. There were no skips in their earlier albums. 

Forging their own path

What made NCT 127’s music unique when I was listening to their songs in 2018-2019 was the producing, arrangement and vocal/rap were pushing the boundaries of what was acceptable in Kpop. They were a trendsetting group that had authenticity and individuality. I read that many fans, critics, and casual listeners thought differently and thought it was a bunch of noise and hard to listen to. However, it was a good decision by their company to take this route. At the time I was comparing their music to other boy groups to find similarities or differences and I realised that nobody else was doing the experimental fusion of genres coupled with interesting choreography. 

Add in their stellar live performances and I had a deep appreciation for the group’s persistence to not to be pressured by the industry to follow the trends. Instead they choose to forge their own path, one that many boy groups have adopted for themselves. The NCT 127 sound back then had the longevity, replayability, creativity and cohesiveness that I loved. 

Opinions on the music before the release of 2 baddies

I’m going to talk about my current opinions about their music in 2022. The amount of songs they have that I don’t like or have been skipped regularly is growing and that’s a problem. The track listing for their albums Neozone and Sticker is awful. It starts off well with a nice flow between the first few songs. Then the middle and ending sections of the albums are messy leaving me unsatisfied and bored. 

Let me give an example:

On the Sticker album the final three songs road trip, dreamer and promise you are not placed where they should be as they drag the album quality down. Those songs are weak and they are placed there to fill up the album run time. Another example is on the Neozone repackage the songs non stop, make your day and the prelude. Out of the three songs I only remember and listen to nonstop. It’s disappointing that the other two songs are forgettable and serve as filler songs. The point of a repackage is to make sure the new songs are memorable but it wasn’t the case here and it's a shame. 

It may seem that I hate their music but I do not. I think their albums in 2020-2021 are packed with filler songs that don’t need to be there. Filler songs in my opinion disrupt the flow of the album and make it difficult for me to get through a comfortable listening. The filler songs make the album quality go down which in turn make cohesiveness unattainable. 

To conclude, while I still enjoy their music, it’s longer giving the greatness it used to have. They need to work on removing filler songs, making sure the tracklist is arranged carefully so the listeners can enjoy an album that’s not a chore to get through. If they can do that, the replayability and longevity of their music will return. 

2 Baddies - The Turning Point 

With the release of the 2 baddies album in 2022 and the upcoming repackage Ay-Yo  let's take a look to see if my opinions about their music have changed. 

The issues that I had were:

They need to work on removing filler songs in their albums 

Arranging the tracklist so the listeners can enjoy an album that’s not a chore to get through. If they can do that, the replayability and longevity of their music will return.

Analysis of the main single and album as a whole

2 Baddies 

A few adjectives are needed to describe this song. A lackluster, boring, bland trainwreck. 2 baddies being a title track was the wrong decision. I tried to see if there were any parts in the song that I liked and there weren’t any. The raps were underwhelming and the lyrics/instrumental seemed like an afterthought. This song shows a regression in their sound as the “catchy chants”, repetitive chorus and no satisfying conclusion make it hard to listen to. The final chorus relies on the na na na’s to make it fun which it isn’t. 

Album B Sides

This album is saved by its b sides. Songs like faster, tasty, time lapse, gold dust, 1, 2, 7 (Time Stops) etc is what makes the album memorable. This album is really great. There’s no filler songs and the tracklist is arranged with care this time. The replayability of the songs is back as I went back to listen to this album many times. I can’t comment right now on the longevity of the album as a lot of time hasn’t passed for me to make a sound judgement on that aspect. 

To conclude, the issues didn’t apply to the 2 baddies album which is great. I believe that they have fixed this with the 2 baddies album. However, songs like 2 Baddies show a regression in their sound and relying on worked previously isn’t going to cut it in my opinion. Hopefully, the Ay-Yo Repackage album will be just as awesome as Favourite.

[colorsunimaginable]

the spare // chapter thirty-two // deatheater!tomhiddleston x plus size ofc - voldemort wins au

story summary:  While on a mission to avenge the death of her best friend, Ilvermorny graduate Melisa Alder finds herself in the middle of the fight to defeat Voldemort. Upon capture after the Dark Lord's triumph, she's being sold at an auction with other muggle borns and blood traitors. Her only hope is also her only bidder - the tall, dark, and handsome Thomus Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy's younger half-brother. Is he just another Death Eater or is he hiding more than just his face beneath the mask? Will she realize her true potential to be one of the resistance's greatest weapons?

*a Voldemort Wins AU with Tom Hiddleston cast as an OC x a plus size protagonist* *takes place in The Auction universe by Lovesbitca8*

words for this chapter: 4.4k warnings for this chapter: references to grooming, underage relationships

CHAPTER MASTERLIST

Chapter Thirty-Two:

I take my shower in a daze. Well, less of a daze and more a concentrated use of my Occlumency. I should’ve used it earlier with Thomus, but I blame my soft bitch heart for making me so scatterbrained.

It was stupid of me to reject him. I’d been an idiot to think that it would make him change his mind. No matter how much he might claim to want me – and it really wasn’t all that convincing – I should’ve known I wouldn’t have been enough. Me wanting it to be true, isn’t going to make it so. The risk I took had not been very well calculated. If I’d just let things continue as they were, it might only have been a matter of time. Now it’s drawn a line in the sand with both of us on opposite sides.

I keep telling myself that the pain from the rejection has nothing to do with being rejected by him. I’m sure I’d react just the same if it had been anyone else. It’s not like it’s an unfamiliar feeling.

By the end of my shower, I’d come up with no answers or solutions to my problems, but I do realize I can fix my hair now. The shoulder length look I like to keep it at has split ends that knot my hair too easily. It’s been almost four months since I last did my hair. The bright neon pink is starting to fade and the dark length of my roots looks stark in comparison. I might not be able to touch up my roots, but since I have my magic back, I can at least cut my hair easily.  

~*~

I leave Thomus in his room while I go downstairs to start making breakfast. The record player had still been in the bathroom and I drag it to the table. Music always makes me feel better.  Occlumency can mask emotions, but it can’t fabricate genuine ones. Since facing Thomus is inevitable, I need the strength a better mood will provide.

I briefly debate between Taylor Swift’s album Speak Now or Hank Williams’ Greatest Hits Volume One, but I figure Taylor’s songs would be far too romantic for me right now. It doesn’t take long for the familiar lyrics of Williams’ songs like Settin’ the Woods on Fire and Move It On Over to get me bobbing my head and softly singing to myself as I work.

After splitting a pan of cheesy scrambled eggs onto two plates, I turn to put in a round of toast in the toaster, and see Thomus standing in the kitchen doorway. He’s leaning against the doorframe with The Hobbit peeking out from under his arm. Shaking off my surprise, I instinctively go to help him, but he holds his hand up to stop me and limps to the kitchen table.

“How’s it feel?” I ask as he sits in his usual chair.

“There’s some pain, but it’s manageable,” he sighs. “It was time I started walking on it.”

I hum in agreement and turn back to switch out two pieces of toast. While the new slices are heating, I butter the ready ones.

For a moment I forget that he’s there, murmuring along to Why Don’t You Love Me. I stop mid-verse, realizing my Occlumency’s working a little too well if I’m comfortable singing in front of him after the morning we just had. Ugh, especially a goddamn romantic song? That’s exactly the shit that I’d been trying to avoid.

I steel my expression as I quickly bring him his plate so I can shut off the player. Our eyes meet only briefly, but I can see he’s carefully eyeing me. His face as stony as I expect mine to be.

“You don’t have to turn it off just because I’m here,” he says.

I shrug and turn back to get my toast ready. “I wasn’t feeling it anymore.”

He doesn’t say anything more until I sit with my own plate. “To be honest, I don’t mind your taste in music,” he says as we begin to eat. I get a few bites in before getting back up to pull out two glasses for orange juice. I remember he likes coffee in the mornings, so I reconsider and put one of the glasses back. “Everything you play is so different from one thing to the next.”

I fill and set the kettle to boil, trying not to give him a weird look. “Have you not listened to a lot of music?” I ask, a little taken aback. I remember him being fascinated by the record player when I first started using it. Does he not know there’s a wide variety of music out there?

“Not exactly,” he speaks slowly as I sit back down with my glass of juice. “Not so much in a casual sense. Someone usually had a wireless playing in the Slytherin common room, but I tended to leave when they did.”

At first my curiosity is contained to my voice. “You didn’t like it?”

“It wasn’t a past-time that I was… allowed to like.”

“I’m sorry, but that’s so weird to me,” I say, my expression showing how absolutely puzzled I am. “My mom’s a music teacher at an elementary school, so basically music’s been a part of my life since I was in the womb.” I take a bite of my toast. “You know how to dance, though?”

“I was taught ballroom dancing,” he says, “as any child of good breeding and wealth were.”

I feel my face heat. “I don’t think that what we did would be considered ballroom dancing.”

He gives a wry smile. “No, that was something I learned from my time abroad with Jacob Astor. He threw quite a few parties while his parents were away.”

My thoughts imagine parties like the one at Cliveden, except instead of dancing with me, Thomus would be dancing with someone else. Didn’t Astor make some remark about Thomus dancing with girls who... weren’t dancing? Am I anything like those girls?

“So did you never have a rebellious phase in your life?”

“Spending all that time with Jake was my rebellious phase.”

I give a disbelieving shake to my head. “If it were me, I’d have lead a very different life at school than I did at home if my parents had forbidden me from something I enjoyed. Or hidden a radio in my room at the very least. I don’t think I would’ve waited as long as you did.”

The kettle starts to scream and I quickly get up to remove it from the heat, getting his mug and coffee grounds ready.

“It was simply considered a bad influence,” he shrugs.

“And Bellatrix was considered a good one!?” I snort, my voice rising. I’m probably being too impertinent, but I can’t help myself. I’m dying to know more about their relationship.

He doesn’t say anything as I pour his coffee and set it before him.

“You think she was a bad influence,” he says. It’s not a question.

I take a sip of my orange juice to clear my throat. “Well, I know that she was an influence,” I say, skirting around the question. “One that got you into certain kinds of trouble because of the kind of person she is.” His eyes have drifted to the window to look at the back yard. Mine linger on the handsomeness of his face and I feel my chest tighten, imagining the kinds of things she more than likely exposed him to. “You were a teenager when she went to Azkaban.”

His eyes don’t leave the window. “So?”

“How old was she?” I ask softly.

Now his eyes jump to mine. “What’re you getting at?”

I peer at him, not answering him immediately, instead taking in his defensive expression for a moment. I know that Bellatrix is older than Lucius, who’s already ten years Thomus’ senior.

“It’s just… weird,” I begin, “for a teenager to hang out with… an adult.” My eyes finally drop from his face to my plate, where I start pushing around the remainder of my eggs. “I’m not trying to be rude or indelicate, I’m just… curious.”

When my eyes flicker to him briefly, I see that his expression had softened. Not defensive anymore, but resigned. As he begins to speak, I hang onto every word.

“My mother favored music as well,” he says. “She was around in my youth long enough to bestow interests on me that my father did not approve of. He wanted certain traits within me to be encouraged and others restricted.” My mind immediately wonders what on earth his father would consider an encouragable trait. “Bella was once engaged to Lucius. I once heard her say that if she couldn’t have one Malfoy, then she’d have the other.”

Someone she could control. I try to keep my reaction minimal. “I’m guessing you didn’t object to that.”

The corners of his lips twitch upward and he looks down. “No, I didn’t. She was beautiful, strong-minded, and terribly funny at times. I don’t know what teenage boy would object to the attention and flirtation of a beautiful confident woman like her.”

I ignore the twinge of jealousy in my chest at his description of her, a dry huff escaping my mouth. I’m getting some real Fifty Shades of Grey vibes here and I don’t like it. “I’m sorry, but I don’t see how that’s a good thing. Your dad didn’t have anything to say about the age gap? What about your brother?”

He shakes his head. “My marks in school vastly improved. I was the leader of the dueling club and Quidditch team captain. With her guidance, I suddenly became the kind of son my father had always wanted me to be. Lucius is the heir, but father still wanted me to be able to step into his shoes should the time come.”

“The spare heir,” I fill in and he nods.

He pauses, finally taking a sip of his black coffee. “Lucius didn’t have any objections until she became engaged to Rodolphus. I’d always suspected it had more to do with his distaste for a Malfoy being in a position of scandal and dishonor than anything else.”

I nod, trying to piece together what he’s telling me and what I already know. “So, she eventually married him and kept a relationship with you. Why didn’t you two just get married?”

There’s hesitation on his face and I immediately regret asking him something so personal. But he surprises me by answering anyway. “I was too young, and her father was pressuring her to get married sooner rather than later.”

I can tell by his face that his feelings for her are genuine and I partly wonder why he’s not bothering to mask his emotions. He looks so… regretful and I can’t stop the sympathy I feel for him. Even if the relationship was pedophilic at one point.

“I’m sorry,” I murmur.

His eyes, a moment ago getting lost in his cup of coffee, now zeros in on me again. “Pardon?”

“It sucks,” I say softly, shrugging a little. I can hear the sadness in my own voice. “No matter how great they say you are… you’re just not enough. There always seems to be someone better, and that person is never you.”

“I don’t want your sympathy,” he bites out. “Why do you speak as if you… know?”

I give him a small, tight lipped smile. He might not be masking his emotions right now, but I definitely am while talking about something so personal.

“I didn’t live under a rock before I came to England, you know.”

“Yes, I know,” he snaps.

“Remember my friend Jonathan, from my memories?” I ask. At his nod, I continue. “I had a couple crushes while at school, but he’s the only one I ever really considered might like me back.” I sigh heavily. “But then he met Sam and suddenly his world revolved around her. Which was fine, Sam deserved to be loved like that. So I just moved on.”

“You dated someone else?”

I chuckle before I can think about why he’d ask. “I’ve never dated anyone, actually.”

His head tilts in disbelief, looking as if he’s about to ask me something, but he reconsiders.

“What?” I press.

“I suppose that would make sense.” He can already tell I’m going to ask him to elaborate. He looks a little awkward. “Your… status.”

I let out a short laugh. “Oh, are you asking why I’m still a virgin at the ripe old age of twenty-four?”

“We’ve talked about your experience, but I suppose it was never… extensive.”

I have to press my lips together to keep from smiling again. He’s trying to be so polite and honestly it’s adorable.

“Well, it’s not like I didn’t want to,” I say and then pause, trying to figure out how to explain my entire romantic history without making it a TEDTalk. “Dating is just really difficult for women who look like me. Growing up my friends had crushes on guys and vice versa, but I hardly ever allowed myself to have any. Being told ‘oh so and so likes you’ and then for them to just laugh when it’s taken seriously, because oh who could ever like the fat girl, right?”

Realizing I've revealed too much unimportant information, I glance up at Thomus. He's sitting back in his chair, one leg crossed over the other, looking at me. he doesn't look bored, but interested, even if he's just being polite.

I feel a blush creep up my cheeks, but I trudge on, avoiding his eyes. "Dating apps made it slightly easier in college, but things usually just ended as a hookup. It's always 'I'm not looking for a relationship right now' and then not two weeks later, they're dating someone else. Usually someone far prettier and, um, thinner."

Thank fuck I've got my magic right now. My heart is going a million miles a minute, but the only thing my mask is letting through is that blush.

Thomus looks thoughtful, as if he's actually considering my words.

"Have you ever tried losing weight?" he asks softly. I'm not offended by his question.

I take a deep breath and give a rueful smile. My fingers come up to my plate to start tearing apart the remainder of my toast as I talk. "Of course, but I've been this way for so long I'm convinced it's a part of my DNA at this point. Not to mention that I've worked so hard for the little confidence I do have that if I woke up tomorrow with half my body weight, I think I'd have an identity crisis." I laugh a little and peek up at him to see a corner of his mouth turned up as well.

He crosses his arms. "I find it hard to believe that you weren't able to find anyone who found you attractive enough."

I blink, my eyebrows drawing together. "If my goal was to have meaningless sex then I definitely could have accomplished that."

He looks as if the light bulb just went off over his head. "You don't want it to be meaningless."

"Correct," I say, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. "I've come close before. Right after Sam died." Memories of fumbling clothes and slurred speech come to mind. "I just wanted to feel something other than the grief." Toast thoroughly torn, I drop it, wiping the crumbs off my hands with a napkin and grabbing my glass of juice. "I ruined it because after he finished me off with his fingers, I just started crying because I didn't build up a strong enough wall to stop myself." I stare into my juice, my mind feeling so very far away. "I kind of wish I hadn't cried. Things would be different and I wouldn't be here."

It's silent for a few moments, and then he says, "I don't."

Slowly, my eyes go to his face. His gaze is a bit more intense than I was expecting. We hold each other's stare for a few moments before it becomes a bit too much for me. I break his stare and chug the rest of my juice. I also beat my sadness back with a broom and sit straighter in my chair.

"Anyways," I say brightly, "the entire point of that revealing and depressing conversation is that I understand."

"Understand what?" he asks as I stand, taking both of our mostly empty plates.

"What it's like to never be someone's first choice," I say, calm and matter-of-fact.

I take our plates to the sink. "More coffee?" I ask without looking at him.

He clears his throat. "Yes."

I put the kettle back on and make quick work of the dishes I'd managed to dirty while making our meal. The stupid song from the record is still stuck in my head, so I start to hum, letting that occupy my mind instead of the conversation we just had. It keeps my mood chipper and a light grin on my face.

The kettle starts to scream and I set it to the side before turning to retrieve his mug.

My smile fades in an instant. Thomus has placed a familiar potion vial on the table. My eyes slide over to him and then down to the wand he has resting on his thigh, gripped tightly in his hand. His head is cocked slightly and he's looking at me like he knows. How the hell could he know? I only just got it back last night. He shouldn't even have suspected.

Was he not as unconscious as I'd thought him to be during my rescue? Did he hear me casting the spells?

My Occlumency helps to keep my reaction measured. No racing heart, no wide eyes. Just calm, cool, and collected.

"Come now," he says at my hesitation, his voice steady with threatening authority. "You've been such a good girl recently, let's not ruin that now."

I frown and decide to lie. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Of course you do," he chides. "How else could you have saved me?"

"Uh, ever heard of CPR?"

He scoffs. "Muggle rubbish."

"Muggle rubbish that saved your life!" My hands, hidden from view behind the island between us, subtly crosses its fingers.

"I can easily prove you're lying, Alder," he says. "All it takes is a little Legilimency."

My frown tightens. "If I did have my magic, do you really think we'd be having a conversation about it? Wouldn't you be scared shitless right now?"

"Your threats are hollow to me."

"And why is that?"

"Because if you really wanted me dead, last night was your prime opportunity, but instead, you chose to save me." My eyes fall to the movement of his thumb rubbing circles over his wand. "As we discussed this morning."

I raise my chin. "This is a shitty way of expressing your gratitude."

He raises an eyebrow. "Gratitude I attempted to express this morning," he says. "The offer is still on the table." His eyes fall from me to the island. "Or on the counter."

It takes all of my concentration not to imagine getting fucked on the kitchen island.

Wait, you know what?

I let my fingers dance over the top of the counter as I walk around it. I bite my lip and lower my gaze in what I hope is a suggestive look. Using my hands as leverage, I jump and shove my ass onto the counter, grateful that it's sturdy enough for me to do so. I lean back onto one hand, my knees spread farther apart than they should be. My other hand trails its fingers along the inside of my thigh. Thankfully the inseam of my shorts aren't leaving much to the imagination. And Thomus, sitting at the table, has the perfect view.

"Yeah," I say smoothly. "Let's fuck on the counter."

His eyes are focused right where I'd hoped they'd be. Then they trail up my body to my eyes. I waggle my eyebrows and give him a shy smile.

"Gratitude comes at a cost," I tease.

He doesn't take the bait and glares at me. "Just take the damn potion, Alder."

I sigh and sit forward, my dangling legs kicking mindlessly. "Or what?"

"Or I will tie you to that counter and force you to take it."

I lick my lips and smirk. "You know there are two ways that statement could be interpreted."

Thomus' glare turns into a snarl and he shoots to his feet - or foot, I should say. He points his wand at me.

I quickly hold my hand up. "Alright, alright, don't shit a brick, okay?"

This seems to reassure him the slightest bit, because he sits back down. His wand is still aimed at me, but his posture and expression is more relaxed, less angry. His eyes go from me to the potion and back to me. I sigh.

"At least let me cut my hair first," I say. "Under your supervision, of course."

His eyes narrow again. "Do you really need magic to do that?"

"It's much easier with magic," I say. "I'll take it as my... reward."

"I see," he says, considering for a moment. He takes in my hair, which is still slightly damp from my shower. "Your hair isn't very long. How short do you want it?"

"Just an inch or two. The split ends are starting to make it tangle."

While on the thoughts of hair, he runs his fingers through his own curly mop, pushing it needlessly away of his face. "Can't you just comb or brush it?"

"Yeah, but that requires effort and I simply do not have the patience to do that every day."

He sighs heavily, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms again. His wand pokes out next to his shoulder. "Very well."

With the slightest twitch from my fingers, the room becomes alive with movement. I can't keep the smile from my face as I hop down from the counter. Two clean plates from the cabinet come floating down to hover over the table, transfiguring into mirrors. The chair I'd been sitting in moves around the table closer to Thomus, so I can sit in the direct lighting from the window. I summon the comb from the bathroom into my hand and sit in the chair. I pull my glasses from my face and get to work.

Using the mirror I comb and part my hair down the middle. I look absolutely hideous with a middle part so I pretend that Thomus isn't sitting so close, watching my every move. The other mirror floats behinds me so I can see the back of my head clearly. Using my index finger, I concentrate on the severing charm and glide it through the side of my hair, two-ish inches above the ends. The hair falls, leaving behind a straight cut.

I turn my head and look at my reflection, making sure that's the length I want it at. Satisfied, I continue around the rest of my hair, slicing dead ends off right and left. The back of my head gets a little tricky as usual, but I manage to get it looking decent.

My fingers run around the crown of my head, pulling and separating the hair until I can hold all of it straight up. I try not to think about how ridiculous I look as I quickly slice through the ends a little bit more. When it falls, and I shake my hair out, running my fingers along my scalp as I do. I flip my hair back and it settles along my natural part, ends freshly clipped into semi-neat layers.

"Does it look like I did it myself?" I say aloud, more to myself than to Thomus as I slide my glasses back on. The broom resting in the corner begins sweeping up all the hair, and I try to bat what's left off my shoulders. "Yes. But does it look passable and better than it did? Also yes."

I transfigure the mirrors back into plates, making sure they go back to their cupboard. The broom dumps the hair into the trash can and settles back in its spot. The comb I can just take back upstairs myself.

Finally, my eyes flicker back to Thomus. His posture had relaxed even more, his arms uncrossed, elbow braced on the edge of the table as he gazes at me in return. His expression is... unreadable.

"How's it look?" I ask, a shy smile on my mouth.

He raises an eyebrow and the corner of his mouth twitches again. "I'll tell you once you take the potion."

I give a resigned sigh and grab the potion, taking my time to uncork it. He rolls his eyes and stands, tucking the book under his arm again. I stand as well, push in my chair, and chug the potion like it's a shot.

The magic buzzing under my skin fades, and I make a promise to myself to pay more attention to when it comes back, so I'll know for next time. Maybe if I can hide it better, I'll be able to go undiscovered for a longer period of time. Maybe actually put it to good use and it won't be such a surprise.

I must've zoned out because I nearly jump out of my skin when his fingers brush along the new ends of my hair. He's staring at it when he speaks.

"You look beautiful."

My heart pounds in my chest and my mouth is suddenly dry. I literally just swallowed my mask away, so as I stare back at him, I feel much more vulnerable than I was. His mask, however, is obviously still in place, and he doesn't give me a hint of emotion before he drops his hand from my hair and turns for the door.

"Come on," he pipes, "I need to find out if Bilbo decides to give Thorin the Arkenstone."

His pace is slow, so it gives me a moment to collect myself before following him.

~*~

Don't forget to like and reblog if you enjoyed this chapter! Leave a comment if you'd like! I love hearing feedback! 💕 Thanks for reading!

[lesbianfrogandtoad]

everybody wants you (but i don’t like a gold rush)

With the release of the Marauder's third studio album, guitarist Sirius Black is suddenly thrust into the spotlight. For the first time ever, his own lyrics are included in their songs.

Remus Lupin's third period history class loves the new album, and can't help but wonder who the beautiful love songs are about. They eventually find out.

(Read on AO3 or read below the cut)

Friday

After 10 years together, Remus Lupin knew everything about Sirius Black. Sirius had always been quite reserved, so this was not a feat to be taken lightly. He was a man of many invisible wounds which he only revealed to a lucky few. Given this, it was a bit ironic that Sirius Black went into a field where everyone felt entitled to know him. 

Sirius had never planned on becoming famous. He had always loved writing music, but most of his lyrics ended up feeling way too personal to share with anyone, let alone the world. 

What had started as fucking around with Peter and James eventually became an actual band. And now, that actual band was releasing an album with songs that Sirius had written himself.

While he still wrote music that felt incredibly personal, he had learned to make the lyrics cryptic enough to prevent the public from truly knowing him. It was a Friday night, and Sirius was about to find out if this technique held up.

In just three short hours, the world would be able to listen to Sirius’ deepest thoughts. He had played the guitar on their previous two albums, but none of those albums contained lyrics by Sirius himself. Needless to say, Sirius was incredibly nervous. 

Remus was considerably less nervous. He had listened to all of Sirius’ songs, and truly thought that they were great. Unfortunately, he had never been musically inclined, and while Sirius appreciated his praise, it did nothing to stop his rising pulse. 

They were sitting on the couch in the home that they shared, surrounded by friends. To the casual observer, Sirius may have appeared relatively calm given the circumstances. He was engaged in a lively conversation with Marlene, slowly sipping on a glass of wine. Only if one were to look at his white-knuckled hand clutching Remus’ under the table would they be able to tell that he was secretly freaking out. 

…

Monday 

“Did you guys listen to the new Marauders album?”

Remus did not make a habit of listening to his student’s conversations, but sometimes he just couldn’t help it. 

“Oh my god, yes! Literally so good. I want James Potter to run me over with his car.”

“Really? Have you even seen the guitarist?”

Remus stared at his laptop, holding back a grin. He certainly had seen the guitarist. 

“Honestly I couldn’t pick a single other member of the band out of a lineup.”

“Well Sirius Black is hot. And he wrote like half of the songs on the album”

“Wait, show me a picture!”

Hoping that he wasn’t blushing, Remus stood up.

“Alright, everyone please take your seats. Show of hands, how many of you did the reading over the weekend?”

“Mr. Lupin, do you seriously expect us to read about the Great Depression when the Marauders just released an album?”

Remus smiled. 

“Yes, Aoife, I do.” 

“I’m pretty sure that’s considered cruel and unusual punishment. Which is against the law.”

“I am truly the worst. Now, who can tell me what we can get from this source?”

… 

That night, Remus lay in bed, running his hand through Sirius Black’s famous hair.

“My third period students love your music. They were talking about it before class today.”

“Really? Any particular songs?”

“Well, they weren’t really talking about the songs. More about you specifically.”

Sirius let out a surprised laugh.

“Are you saying that your students think I’m hot?”

Remus blushed.

“I won’t deny it. But they did like the album.”

“Well I’m glad to hear it. And I’m glad to hear that I’ve still got it,” Sirius said with an amused smile. 

Remus laughed, adjusting his position so that he could look his partner in the eyes. 

“Smug bastard. You know that you’re hot, you’re just trying to get me to say it.”

“You got me. Please tell me I’m pretty, Remus.”

“Sirius, you are the prettiest.”

…

Wednesday

“God, I wish someone would write a song like that about me. I would kill to be Sirius Black’s girlfriend.”

“I know, right? He’s the perfect man. She is so lucky.”

…

“My students seem to think that you wrote those songs about a woman.”

“Really? People think I’m straight?”

“Don’t worry Sirius, I know the truth.”

“That is so embarrassing, I put so much work into looking as queer as possible.”

…

Friday

As Remus walked into work, he couldn’t help feeling a little excited for his third period class. Sirius had released an interview the night before, and his students were sure to have heard about it. 

Later, as the third period bell rang, Remus’ theory was proven correct. 

“Hey Aoife, did you read the Sirius Black interview in Rolling Stone last night?”

“No, why?”

“Oh my God. You’re never gonna believe this.”

“What? What did he say?”

“You know how we were talking about how lucky whoever is dating Sirius Black is?”

“Yes?”

“Well we were wrong, it’s not a girlfriend. He used he/him pronouns!”

“So Sirius Black is gay?”

“Maybe? At least somewhat.”

“This is the best day of my life.”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh at that. “This is the best day of your life?”

“Absolutely.”

“Well it’s about to get better, because today we’re talking about the New Deal!”

“You must know that that does not make my day any better.”

“Well that’s a shame. The New Deal is incredibly fun.”

“Hey Mr. Lupin, you’re gay, right?”

Remus eyed her with suspicion. “Yes?”

“So now that Sirius Black is gay, maybe you have a chance!”

He snorted. “That’s very kind of you. Now, let’s start a list of social services created by the New Deal. Anyone have one to start with?”

…

Saturday

“I’m very proud of you, you know that?” 

“I know. I was so scared to tell everyone, but it turns out that not so many Marauders fans are homophobes.”

Remus smiled. “I don’t think James would allow it. He’s always been vocal about this kind of stuff.”

“I know. I was still scared though.”

Remus grabbed his hand across the table. They were in public, but after the interview, he knew it was only a matter of time before the press put two and two together. 

It wasn’t like they had never gone to lunch together, but Sirius hadn’t gotten this much attention from the press before. Their relationship was not a secret, but they kept it relatively private. Neither of them had ever been crazy about public displays of affection, so what media attention had been directed at Sirius tended to assume that they were just friends. 

As Remus ran his thumb over the back of Sirius’ hand, he heard a camera shutter to his right. Classes on Monday were going to be interesting.

…

Monday

“Oh my God, it’s you! You’re dating Sirius Black!”

“You got me. I am.”

At this, the entire class erupted in excited chatter. Every student seemed to have something to say about their teacher’s love life.

“Alright, Alright. Please settle down. I will let you guys ask three questions, but then we have to get back to learning history, okay? Alright, Aoife, you can go first.”

“Mr. Lupin, why didn’t you tell us!? You let us talk about him in front of you every day for the past week without saying anything!”

“Ah, well– I tend to keep my private life private. I can’t exactly be professional if I’m constantly talking about my partner. Also I thought it was funny. Next question– Dylan, what’ve you got?”

“Are all of those songs about you?”

“Well I hope so. That would be very awkward if they were not, considering we’ve been together for 10 years.”

Once again, the classroom was filled with the overlapping voices of students trying to process this newfound information.

“Okay! One more question, and then we seriously have got to move on.”

Scanning the room full of excitedly raised hands, Remus’ eyes landed on a girl sitting quietly in the second row. “Emma, how about you?”

“How did you two meet, Mr. Lupin?”

“Great question. We met when we were a little older than you folks. We went to school together.”

This seemed to satisfy the students, who were considerably calmer than they had been previously. Remus decided to take this as a win.

“Now, let’s get to learning history. I am super excited for today’s class, because we are going to take a look at works that emerged from the Federal Writers Project.”

… 

“I love my job.”

“So today was good?”

Remus nodded. “It was good. Hectic, but good. I ended up managing to squeeze some content in, despite all efforts to distract me.”

“I’m sorry that my job puts you in the spotlight so much. I know that’s not your favorite.”

“That’s okay. It’s worth it because I love you. You’re worth it.”

Sirius pressed his face into Remus’ sternum, and Remus placed a kiss on his forehead. It didn’t matter what the world knew about Sirius, because he got the real Sirius all to himself.

[thisaintascenereviews]

Emery - Rub Some Dirt On It During the early to mid-00s, the post-hardcore and metalcore scene was very saturated, almost to the point where it was really hard to sift through the bad or mediocre stuff to find the good stuff. Before that point, however, it was mainly a lot of good stuff, because a lot of bands were creative, interesting, and innovative, versus making copycat and generic garbage that other bands did before, let alone did better. On top of the metalcore and post-hardcore scene being saturated, the Christian metalcore and post-hardcore scenes were even worse. Over on my other blog, The Rawring 20s, I talked about “Christcore” a bit, which was the name given to the specific subset of metalcore / post-hardcore that was based in Christianity. Bands like Norma Jean, Underoath, The Devil Wears Prada, and many more, were encompassed in this style, but a lot of other bands in that vein went unnoticed or became forgotten. A band that went into the latter camp was Emery, a South Carolina post-hardcore band’s been kicking since 2001. I first heard of these guys back in 2009 when they released the In Shallow Seas We Sail. I randomly picked it up that summer, because the cover looked cool, and because I’m sure I read about it in Alternative Press, but that’s all I heard from them. I never listened to anything else from them back then, but I know they’ve been active here and there throughout the last decade and a half. They weren’t one of the most popular bands in that scene, but they have a cult fanbase that loves them to death, as a lot of bands in this vein do. Emery just dropped a new album, entitled Rub Some Dirt On It, and it’s their first in four years, so I was curious to check it out, especially among the other older post-hardcore / metalcore bands I’ve been listening to. I’ve been listening to a lot of new albums from these stalwarts of the genre, such as Senses Fail, Hawthorne Heights, Bayside, The Used, Silverstein, and a few others. Heck, just a couple of weeks back, the new Miss May I album came out, and that was their first in five years, and it’s a ripper. I’ve honestly kind of grown on it since my review, even though I still stand by it, it jus doesn’t bother me as much now. Anyway, I really loved Emery’s In Shallow Seas We Sail back in the day, and I’ve gone back to that album, too, and it holds up very well, but I haven’t heard anything else they’ve done, let alone anything new. I went into Rub Some Dirt On It with cautious expectations, but I was ultimately surprised by this LP. I won’t say that it’s a masterpiece, and I wouldn’t put this record on my yearend list, but I was quite happy with this. They haven’t exactly changed their style in the last 20 years, but if it’s not broke, don’t fix it. This album is a relatively straightforward post-hardcore album that admittedly does throw in a few tricks that they have up their sleeves. The first three tracks on this LP, “You Stole God From Me,” “Concussion,” and “Enemy” are post-hardcore bangers, and it’s after these songs that the album does try to switch things up, all the while still retaining the familiar post-hardcore / alt-rock sound that these guys have conjured up. Things start to get a little interesting with Daniel, I’m Not Gonna Make It,” which is a strange little acoustic / indie track, whereas “Stranger” is a ballad, albeit done very well, and the closing track “Lovely Lady” is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever heard. It’s supposed to be like the closing song of a live set, with the band introducing themselves, while playing the song, and it’s really strange, but it’s also really fun. It’s only a minute and a half long, but it’s a fun little closer, even though it serves no purpose whatsoever. For the most part, though, the album stays within the post-hardcore wheelhouse and it’s done really well. Their vocalist has a great voice for it, both in terms of clean vocals and screams. The band can get heavier when they want to, but they make their cleaner sound work quite well, too. Speaking of their vocalist, he’s one of my favorite parts of this album; his voice is great, and it’s aged very well over the years. He sounds exactly the same as he did all of those years ago when I first listened to them, if not a little better. The only real issues I have with this LP are its lyrics, and how forgettable they are (they’re not bad, but I don’t remember anything about them, even though In Shallow Seas We Sail has some really good moments), as well as how this album does have a rather repetitive sound throughout it. It’s got some moments that stand out, but the post-hardcore songs, as well as the more alt-rock tracks tend to sound the same. Variety has never been this band’s strongsuit, especially with hooks and melodies, but they’re done well, so in the end, I’d recommend this album if you want a good post-hardcore record with some solid vocals and some interesting experimentation.