#youre such a perfectionist and so bad with managing your emotions that losing at anything makes you want to hit something

[firestorm09890]

The still image of Zexion with his head resting on the arm of his chair after losing in multiplayer 358/2 Days was already very funny but it's even funnier knowing that the full animation has him slam his fist down in frustration and only after making sure no one else is watching

[liitlesunshiine]

Villainous Taste

(Detective reader x Villain Bakugo)

Warnings: NSFW, smut, mentions of death, degradation, manipulation, very bad bad stuff, dubcon, noncon, assault, sub/dom themes, don’t read if sensitive to violent themes

_________________

You sighed in frustration at your desk that was fully covered with a mountain of papers. It’s been over year now since you’ve been assigned to the notorious Bakugo, Katsuki case; and you’ve made little to no progress on catching the pesky fucking villain. You were losing your patience by the day. Especially since it felt like a personal attack on your ego that you still haven’t managed to pin this guy down. The great detective Y/N, Y/LN getting played and taken a fool by the villain himself. It’s not like you’ve made no progress though. There were times, many instances in fact, when you managed to pin the villain down. The constant face to face encounters only ending with the villain toying with you and taunting you. It’s honesty a surprise that you’re still alive considering all the chances he has had to kill you. Condescending dick, you were sure he was getting off by the chase. This all seemed to be a game to him and it infuriated you even more since you were practically entertaining it. He was thriving off the little interactions with the quirkless detective.

The way he would cockily stride his way to you with that big smirk smeared across his face. Eyes devouring your body that left an unsteady chill run down your spine. His presence held such power and intimidation that you couldn’t help but take steps back with every step he took forward. You always felt like a deer in headlights whenever he swaggered towards you. No amount of experience or expertise will ever get you accustomed to his predatory gaze.

“Go figure they’d send a quirkless bitch my way. They must really hate’ya.” He said with a rather amusing look, never breaking his eye contact with you. He grabbed a piece of your hair twisting it softly between his fingers, as if he were inspecting it. You could’ve sworn he was sniffing it too.

Yea, you were quirkless but you managed to hold your own ground. Having to work ten times as hard, having to prove yourself among your peers and having to earn the respect and position you have worked so tirelessly for years. While being quirkless was a hinderance or handicap as some would say, it was a mountain that you decided needed to be climbed. You reached its peak and planted your flag years ago. This title wasn’t given to you mindlessly. You dedicated tears, sweat, and blood to get to where you are now. Gained recognition from higher up heroes themselves and even managed to get assigned to Bakugo’s case; the most wanted and powerful villain in Japan. Now, you weren’t in denial either, you were well aware you stood no chance against the hero toe to toe. Hell, even the top tier heroes themselves barely made it out alive. You were simply here to pinpoint his locations and set up an area for his arrest. What seemed to be a simple task ended up as a wide scale massacre with Bakugo skimping through all the heroes nonchalantly. It was a complete blood bath. All the pro heroes who were posted for defense that day were to be blown up to pieces; the graphic scene till this day haunts you in your sleep. Sleepless nights and paranoia became a norm, with the image of him dripping with blood casually stalking towards you was something that you have not been able to shake out of your head for months now.

He had forced you into an alley that day. You were trying your best to steady your breathing and figure out an attempt to get the fuck out of this predicament. Your eyes skimmed for any opening, avoiding his intense gaze, looking anywhere but his blooded face.

You felt your back hit against the wall. He was now sickly close to you, you placed your head down in shame looking at his shoes rather than his face. Knowing damn well there was no way out of this situation. Beads of sweat ran down your back and colored your forehead. He slammed both his hands against the wall, causing you to jump, your head now trapped in between his forearms. His body hovered over, the smell of blood forcing its way into your nose. The intense body heat radiating off of him, had your head spinning. You felt frozen in place, every worst case scenario rushing through your mind, trying to stay steady while silently sobbing to yourself.

“My eyes are up here slut.” He gripped your chin roughly forcing your eyes to meet his. You took in the rough image of the villain in front of you. You saw the spiky unruly hair sticking out in every direction, some parts drenched in the blood of his victims. His sharp facial features looked even more intimidating under this light, little scars freckled his skin here and there scattered throughout; and his 5 o'clock shadow appearing in patches. It was his eyes that took you by surprise most. None of the pictures posted online, none of the documents you saw ever matched what appeared in front of you. The dark ruby colored eyes stared curiously back at you, analyzing your every move. The stare felt strangely intimate, and it probably would’ve been considering the circumstance. Y/N wasn’t sure if she was really fully conscious of what was happening, but having him so close was making her feel unnerved. Hell, even as a villain there are many people who admire and drool over the criminal. But seeing him this up close drenched in the blood of your peers was when the fear and guilt washed over you and you quickly snapped out of his trance. You were brought back to your senses and reminded of your current predicament. The images of the heroes fighting and dying at the hands of this animal quickly flooded in. Anger now overwhelming your sense. You reminded yourself that you were quirkless, not helpless. And with that thought, you broke your intense gaze away from him, slapping his hand off your chin and quickly spitting in his face. The action caught him rather off guard and you took this delayed response to knee him in the balls and bolt for it “FUCKING BITCH!” He roared.

~

Ever since then your encounters with Bakugo have been rather odd to say the least. You didn’t really know how else to describe it. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking. There were instances where he would get rather “touchy” and others where he would straight up just physically hurt you. It was a wind whirl of emotions and odd behavior whenever you encountered him. You didn’t know what to make of it either. He could’ve killed you months ago and the fact that he hasn’t, has left you feeling uncomfortable and confused. You felt yourself wanting to avoid him now, you haven’t been prioritizing his case anymore and you’ve lost all the spunk and passion you had in the beginning. Continuously failing to catch him and having countless of pro heroes dying at the hands of his explosions was something you no longer had the heart to bare.

Especially now that whenever you found him he’d just toy with you. It was beginning to seem as if he's looking forward to these little encounters, like he’s waiting for you. You began to notice the issue when he was becoming purposefully sloppy in hiding his tracks, it was if he was screaming to be caught. And after working his case for over a year Y/N knew his actions, how careful and precise he could be when he wanted to. A perfectionist in his own right but now, now he was practically waving a flag yelling at you where he is and to come and get him. This was a total 180 from his usual behavior and tactic and with each encounter becoming more unseemly; Y/N thought it was best to take a break from the scandalous villain. You decided on no longer participating on the missions. You couldn’t shake off the eerie feeling of this situation and where you were once so headstrong stepping into the battlefield, your courage and pride was stripped from you. Now the only thing you prioritize was staying the hell away from him. So with whatever information you did find on the villain was quickly handed over to the hero agency without any hesitation.

~

After a few months of you steering clear from the villain, his crime scenes were becoming more brutal and graphic by the week. His killing sprees drastically increasing and the victims were piling up. Y/N couldn’t help but to let guilt consume her. Thoughts of Bakugo infiltrated Y/N’s mind. From the moment she woke up, to while she’d desperately attempt to sleep. You felt yourself slowly going insane. As if your movements were being watched at all times. Your mental state began taking a toll on you and was affecting your work. You could no longer focus on anything for a span of time without the mere image of a bloodied Bakugo appearing in your head.

His case was one you guiltily found compassion in. One of the top students in UA Academy showing nothing but absolute potential to become a top ranking hero crumbled and fell to villainy after his long time friend Izuku Midoriya, was killed trying to save him. It appeared the guilt ate him up inside and as a result, Bakugo quickly blamed the heroes for being weak and unable and decided on taking matters to his own hands by killing everyone involved that day in Midoriya’s death. This paired on with him living in an abusive household led to what he is now, at least that’s what Y/N assumed. Y/N’s heart felt torn in two feeling somewhat sympathetic towards him due to his rough upbringing and traumatic past but either way it did not excuse the atrocities he was committing now. You felt yourself falling deeper into the rabbit hole because of this man. You finally decided this couldn’t continue on any longer. You requested a transfer, figure you cut your losses with Bakugo’s case and move on with your life.

~

It had been two weeks since you’ve transferred departments and moved into the inner city of Tokyo. It was new, it was adventurous, and it was a step forward. A perfect way to start fresh and move on. You felt the withdrawals from Bakugo’s case every now and then, mainly the guilt consuming you at night or whenever you saw the news appear on TV with a new crime he had committed. You did your best to avoid those emotions though. He was no longer your problem and you did everything you could anyways. Regardless, your attempts at catching him always resulted with blood on your hands.

It was a particular long day at work. You decided on staying later than usual setting up the finishing touches in your new office. You figured you’d also catch up on some cases to avoid getting swamped on Monday. By the end of it you came to realize it was a quarter past midnight. “Oh shit, I gotta get the hell outta here,’ you mumbled to yourself while you quickly got your personal things and organized the remaining loose ends in the office. You locked up everything and exited out the building, deciding on taking the metro home since you felt exhausted and couldn’t commit to the 2 mile walk.

You weren’t used to the metro being so empty and silent, but it was rather peaceful you thought. While the doors open you took no notice in the looming figure behind you. Exhausted and empty minded you walked in, to the doors behind you closing. You were instantly snapped out of your daze when you got shoved against the pole and a hand quickly covering your mouth to silence your scream.

“I’m real upset quirkless.” You immediately recognized the voice and a chill ran down your spine. You looked up to see the reflection of Bakugo off the window, he was staring at you dead in the eye. His signature scowl heavily evident on his face.

“Are you trying to hide from me? Made me follow your ass all the way to Tokyo now? Come on quirkless, you know I hate being teased.” He positioned himself to have his crotch lined up with your ass. You felt the pressure only getting bigger with each word he spoke. Your heart was racing by this point, you tried to wiggle your way out of his grasp but he only gripped you harder as a result. He pulled your hair forcing you to look at him once again through the reflection.

“What happened slut, got bored of me? Am I not important enough anymore to catch? I’ve killed hundreds of people ya know, why did you stop trying to arrest me? Don’t tell me another villain got your attention. I don’t mind killing off the competition babe.” He gripped your hair even harder to the point where your skull was becoming numb, your cheeks already salted with tears.

“Fucking slut, I should seriously punish you. You’ve been making me work overtime.”

The train did a gradual stop and the doors open once again with two individuals walking in. Y/N felt a bit of hope wash over her until Bakugo moved to sit down on the opposite direction, forcing you on top and both your backs facing the two people who just walked in. Since he was wearing a hoodie no one would be able to recognize him from this angle. Right now the situation looked like two people who are just foundling on the train. You now sat directly on top of the villain’s lap. His hand still covering your mouth harshly. When you felt the bulge in his pants fully erect is when you began to whimper.

“Awe, did my slut miss me? Don’t worry detective, I’ll give you some nice warranted attention.” His free hand began to stroke your exposed thigh. The action immediately had you squish your thighs together and attempt to get away. But he simply responded with gripping you tighter.

“Try anything and I’ll fucking take you right here, right now. I’ll blow up everyone in this fucking train. Try me bitch.”

He placed a testing hand on your thigh and tapped it softly as if waiting for your reaction. You stayed still not daring to move. “Come on baby, open up for your favorite villain.”

You silently nodded your head no, more tears springing out. He gripped your thigh roughly.

“Y/N, I won’t ask again. Fucking open.” The authority and venom that came from that demand left you having goosebumps. The fear reached you and before you knew it, you had your legs opened and spread for him.

"Atta girl.” He hummed satisfied and began stroking your inner thigh. Absolute shame and guilt overtaking your senses, you felt completely out of control and held prisoner. Your mind trying to disassociate itself with the current reality you’re in right now. But only to being brought back with his rough hands violating you and his threatening tone looming over you. “Now, I’m gonna release my hand from your mouth. If you make any fucking noise, I’ll kill everyone in this metro and make you watch while they beg for their lives, m’kay.” You nodded rather quickly, you wouldn’t be dumb enough to even dare to do such a thing. Too many people have already fallen victim to this animal, you refuse to take part in anymore blame for it. You’d figure you just let him use you and quickly get over the situation and forget it ever happen. Maybe you’ll set up an attempt to try and kill him yourself. Either way, the sooner this is over the sooner you get to go home and ball your eyes out and come up with a plan. He hummed again with your response.

“Good girl.” His hand slowly and hesitantly left your mouth and snaked its way to your thighs. He gripped both of them and forced your legs to open wider.

"Really liking the skirt baby. Makes accessing you so much easier.” He chuckled in your ear, mocking you. Ironic considering this is the first time you’ve worn a skirt in over a year. Your fucking luck. This whole thing was just entertainment for him, bastard.

His hands slowly made themselves lower reaching the inner most part of your thighs. He pulled the skirt up, completely showcasing your thong and pantyhose. You practically heard him salivating behind you. You tried to close your legs feeling painfully embarrassed.

“Tsk. What did I say Y/N” he forced your legs apart once again but with more aggression and speed, that lead you to buckle your hips onto him. You instantly became flushed, feeling the heat rise to your cheeks at the realization of what you just did. You heard him groan.

“Such a fucking tease.” He ripped your pantyhose apart, giving him full entrance to your underwear. The cold air had a cooling sensation on your inner thighs and you felt yourself softy throb. You let out a silent whine and he quickly shoved two of his fingers in your mouth while the other started doing soft circles on your clit.

“Fuck quirkless. You’re so wet, always knew you were a fucking whore for me.”

Even to your surprise you didn’t expect yourself to be this hot and ready for him. You felt completely betrayed by your body but you couldn’t help in relishing in the sensation. It felt so good to finally be touched by someone even if it was someone as vile as him. Is this what it feels like to have the most dangerous man about finger fuck you on the metro train? Maybe you can just pretend you’re getting touched by Jim- the cute and quirky coworker of yours, but with every flick even that was seeming to be difficult already. You were sucking and licking his fingers shamelessly and subconsciously grinding down on his erection. You were definitely disgusted from yourself. But you’d be lying if the thought of fucking this villain hasn’t crossed your mind. Especially with the constant harassment you faced whenever you crossed paths, how he’d violate you but never to this extent. Always leaving you in an array of emotions. Even now you’re having a hard time understanding what exactly is happening.

Your eyes snapped right open when the fingers in your mouth left to slap your pussy. You glared at him with a concerning look. He only smiled in response, the sadistic kind.

“You seemed distracted baby. Got me doing all this work and you’re not even paying attention.”

His wet fingers hooked your underwear and causally pulled them off. You were now completely exposed and the reality of the situation was settling on you. “Bakugo please don’t.”

“After you were sucking and grinding on me? Don’t act so innocent now bitch, you’re fucking soaked. Pussy is practically begging for my cock.”

He slipped one finger inside slowly, as if he was exploring the inside of your pussy. His fingers were thick and scarred due to years of using his quirk. The sensation alone was enough for you to throw your head back on his shoulder, opening your legs wider for him. You couldn’t grasp the reason for your actions. Here you were shamelessly opening yourself up and enjoying the fingers of a villain who has caused so much destruction and brought about so much pain in your life. How is it that you’re enjoying this? You really are a terrible person.

“Fuck baby, this is quite the sight.”

Any attempt in trying to hide what you and Bakugo were doing was completely thrown out the window by the sloppy and lewd noises from the villain fingering you. You began to bite your bottom lip in attempt to hold back the moans trying to escape you when he added a second finger.

“Don’t hold them noises back, let these people know how good you feel from just by my fingers slut.” By this point you couldn’t control the soft noises coming out of you even though you were trying. He was fingering you with such expertise, you were feeling yourself beginning to melt under him. When was the last time someone had touched you liked this? Are you so touch starved that you’re about to cum from out of all people- Bakugou Katisuki? Your mind was spinning.

The train reached its second stop. You tried to close your legs and compose yourself before the doors had open but Bakugo didn’t stop his assault. “Bakug-“

“Keep them open baby. We’ll put on a show for whoever sees. I don’t give a fuck.”

The only two passengers who were on the train walked out rather quickly and with no one else entering, it was just you and this villain inside. You couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or bad but at least the risk of him hurting someone else isn’t looming over your head. Instead of taking this moment to escape you threw your arms up gripping Bakugo by the neck. Might as well and try to get this over with. Sooner this ends, the sooner you get go home and bleach your skin clean and pray for forgiveness to whichever god decides to listen. This action did indeed catch him slightly by surprise but he stopped fingering you momentarily and ripped your shirt off revealing your bra to him. He quickly gripped both of your breasts massaging them in his hand.

“Turn around.” He huskily said into your ear. Already lost in the sensation of how good he was making you feel, you quickly got off him to then get back on straggling him. You were now back on him facing him with your cunt completely exposed, skirt crumbled up to your waist, and your breasts directly in his face. He was smirking down on you. He gripped the center of your bra and activated his quirk leaving the bra in shreds.

“Any idea how long I’ve been wanting to fuck this pretty little body of yours?” He gripped your neck, choking you slightly while his mouth made his way to your nipple. “Way too fucking long. Gonna devour your little cunt. Gonna make you pay for all the trouble you’ve been causing me.” His hand left your throat and began squeezing and pinching your nipple. The action causing a moan to rip out of you. “Fucking bitch, you’ve been such a distraction.” You were gripping and pulling his hair now while grinding furiously against his crouch in a desperate attempt to feel some type of friction. “Bakugo-“

“Katsuki,” he corrected, “we’ve been past the formalities for a while now”

You blushed, you rarely call anyone by their first name but Bakugo could be the exception. Besides it’s not like he wasn’t fingering your pussy like a jackhammer on a public train 5 minutes ago, not like you were grinding on him like a desperate dog in heat right now...

“Suki,” you said hoping the cute pet name would be enough to grab his attention, you attempted to sound as desperate and needy as possible, “please make me cum already.” You pleaded while placing your hands on his shoulders. Makeup smudged from the tears and sweat, lipstick smeared on your chin from him covering it, clothes all ruined and your hair a mess, you already looked so fucked out, Bakugo just ate the sight up. He had his hands gripping the side of your hips caressing them. You leaned in wanting a kiss until he quickly gripped your face squeezing your cheeks together preventing it so. “On your knees baby.”

While still squeezing your face you slowly get off his lap on your knees in between his legs.

“Open your mouth and show me your tongue.” He released his tight grip but kept his hand in place, you opened your mouth and slowly stuck out your tongue. He gave a devious smirk, in which you saw something enlighten in his eyes. The bright red color seeming more mahogany now. He leans in lining his mouth above yours and spits on your tongue. He nods his head allowing you to swallow, which you complied easily to. You now waited patiently for his next orders, your full submissive side completely taking over, not like you have much of a choice anyways. Regardless, the desire to please him and the desperation from under is consuming your every thought and sensation.

“Go on slut, suck daddy’s cock.” He leans into the seat with his legs fully spread to you. You slowly unzip his pants with shaking hands allowing his dick to spring free. You nearly drooled at the sight wanting to taste him badly. He was completely erect, a huge vain running down the base of his cock, the tip already covered in precum looking swollen and red. You lean in his dick using your hands to pump him, you slowly bought the tip towards your mouth giving it small kitten like licks. As you began sucking the villain in front of you, he lets out small grunts and groans throughout. He eventually pulls your hair and shoves his dick entirely in your mouth forcing itself to hit the back of your throat. 10 seconds pass by and he hasn’t removed his hand, 11, 12… your eyes begin watering and you’re desperately attempting to get fresh air. You begin pulling away only for Katsuki to laugh and hold you down tighter. “Aha’ha choking on my dick detective? Such a cock hungry whore… this outa teach you a lesson, maybe I’ll get some hand cuffs late-later on and treat you like you really deserve, yea-yeah. That sounds soo good.”

While Bakugo goes back and forth with himself, you begin getting red faced and losing consciousness he pulls your hair up forcing you off and you while you take this opportunity to weed in gaps of air desperately and choking, he quickly shoves himself back inside your mouth. This time he moved your head in up/down motions, you attempted your best to slurp and suck with minimal oxygen entering your system, but it was proven to be very difficult, luckily enough you notice the villain becoming slower and sloppier with his movements. You brought yourself to deep throat his cock once more until the warm liquid has finally entered your mouth. The taste sour and sticky inside, this is what sin must taste like you thought.

As on cue, the metro did a halt and you instantly recognized the location. You gave a side eye to the villain next to you who also knew this was the stop to your neighborhood. He self confidently got up and immediately zipped his pants. He took off the hoodie he wore only leaving the black tank top underneath and shoved it over your head. The hoodie was long enough to cover your whole body and you were thankful since your current garments were in shreds across the floor. It also smelled strangely sweet, odd, like burnt caramel? Maybe the lack of oxygen is making you slightly delusional? You assumed, well hoped- this is where you would go separate ways with the villain. Have this memory go to the grave with you and forget it ever happened. But to your lovely surprise he picks you up bridal style and carries you out the metro. You looked at him questioningly, the feeling of dread looming over and suddenly becoming overwhelming just waiting for his response. He simply smirked.

“You’re clocking in overtime tonight detective.”

[nicholasdyer]

( OLIVER JACKSON-COHEN + CISMALE ) —  Have you seen NICHOLAS DYER ? THIRTY-THREE year old is a DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS AT AN ARCHITECTURe FIRM who resides in MANHATTAN. He has been living in NYC for TWENTY-NINE YEARS, and is known to be PASSIONATE and EMPATHETIC, but can also be IMPULSIVE and PERFECTIONIST, if you cross them.  People tend to associate them with BRUISED KNUCKLES and SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS. @codstarters​

Hello everyone! Very excited to join you guys. I’m going to keep it short and simple because I’m trash at intros. The name’s Emma, I’m 25 and from the cst zone. I bring to you my baby Nick. (He’s a brand new muse so I apologize for the lack of info, I’ll be adding more as muse grows. ) Still working on some connections but feel free to smash that heart button if you’d like to plot!

Nicholas Dyer was born New York City on October 19th and is the oldest and best looking out of 4 siblings.

There is nothing complicated about Nicholas life really. He comes from a wealthy, hardworking and very loving family, but that doesn’t mean that the Dyer’s offsprings didn’t know anything about hard work. Their father always made sure to let them know that everything they had, they had it because he never slacked off, he worked hard to achieve his goals and the life he wanted for his family. In fact you could always find him telling his oldest son “Without labor nothing prospers, son.”

He took that phrase pretty seriously. As a child he put a lot of pressure on his shoulders to be the perfect son. He wanted, no he had to succeed at everything he did to show his father that he too understood the meaning of hard work and make his parents proud. He was a sort of parent pleaser. 

And so his need and desire to make them proud went beyond just getting good grades. Soon it also involved more important decisions like his career choice or his relationships, what he said or even how he felt sometimes. It felt to him like like he was losing himself, or more like he never truly got to find out who he was and what he wanted.

It was around college when Nicholas chose that it was enough of living a life he didn't plan for himself, that he had to start doing started more of the things he liked and to start making bigger decisions for himself, like moving out of his parents house and finding an apartment. Amongst those things there was boxing.  Of course, at first his parents, specially his mother, wasn't very keen on the idea of his son getting beat up and having a black eye or bruised face. “Why would want to do this to your face? You have such a beautiful face.” Those were the words that his mother told him every time  he visited their house for the weekend. It didn’t bother him, it actually made him laugh that out of all the compliments in the world she could give him, it would have to be about his looks. But then again, any other mother would’ve said the same thing. What kind of mother would want to see their son’s face with a black eye or some bruises just because he thought it was a fun sport.

Another decision that made an impact on Nicholas life was moving to London. He went to study the last semester of his career as an exchange study at Cambridge. There he felt like he was able to truly show himself, no parents  breathing at the back of his neck, judging, disapproving all the choices he made. London felt like big breath of fresh air. He graduated college there and began working at an architecture firm. Of course he started very low, but thanks to his hardworking perfectionist side he managed to climb on a very short time to a higher position. 

He lived in London for around 4-5 years until a famous architecture firm offered him a job back in New York. It was hard decision to make but the fact that he experienced his first heartbreak and that he sort of missed his family helped decide that it was the best thing to do, at least for a while. 

Personality:

He’s very passionate about everything he does.

Good-natured, well-meaning.

Despite the vibe he gives sometimes, he’s a huge softie and an extremely emotional person.

A perfectionist to the core, Nicholas not only sets the bar high for himself, but for the people in his life as well. 

His loyalties lie primarily with himself, his family and best friends.

Nicholas can be sometimes closed off with people, it’s very rare for him to let new people in.  

It doesn’t happen very often but sometimes he tends to act first and think later, which has led him to some trouble but he’s always been able to talk himself out of it. 

He can also be charismatic and even cocky at times.

Wanted Connections:

Siblings: Of course I’d love to see Nicholas siblings around the rp. Even if at the moment his relationship with his parents isn't the way it used to b before I picture the Dyer’s kids pretty close. Like they probably they do have fights and probably get on each others nerves sometimes like every other sibling but at the end of the day they know they have each others back and also complain about their parents when they get really unbearable.

Highschool sweetheart: I would love for Nicholas to have some romantic connection from the past when dated someone his parents thought would be a good match for them just to please them. Of course he probably would’ve been very polite and a gentleman with her but he never got to feel any romantic feelings towards her. Of course how she felt towards him its totally up to you, she could’ve done it also to please their parents or maybe she did had some feelings towards him, its totally up to you. I just want some angst in mah baby’s life, the more the better.

Best friend(s): It could be someone he met in his childhood or someone he met in college. Of course I want someone who has been through Nicholas whole change from being the perfect little son to slowly becoming himself. They are his ride or die, and probably have always had his back and probably are someone Nicholas turns to whenever he needs to seek advice from someone who isn't his family for a change. Also they would be the ones who Nicholas went to cry to when he got his heartbroken back in London.

Fling to (best) friend: Okay so maybe they met through some mutual friends and at first sight they were like “you’re cute, let’s go out.” Probably had one or two dates, ( maybe even hooked up) and after that they got along really well but neither of them saw it becoming something more so  both agreed that it wasn’t going to work out and decided to stay friends. And eventually they became besties and make jokes and tease each other about when they went out.

Exes (good or bad terms)

Flings

Neighbors

Sparring buddies

Roommates

Frenemies

Good / bad influences

Crushing on (could be mutual or unrequited)

Those are just some ideas that came to mind but if none of these catches your eye then we can definitely come up with something else I definitely will take all the plots.

[yandere-daydreams]

I feel like if anyone had Thoughts about this it’d be you but : zodiac signs as yandere ?

I have so many thoughts on this!!! I’m assuming anon wants to know about sun signs only, so that’s what I did! Keep in mind that literally every single one of these will be biased towards how I view the signs, so if you disgree then.... sorry!! (This post also might be a little long because there are. Twelve signs.)

-

Aries - Okokokok...... I would like to think..... an Aries would be a possessive, but in a very aggressive way?? Like if they’re jealous of one of your friends they will not hold back. If you wont get rid of them in your life, they’ll do it for you with little hesitation. I feel theyd be romantic and flirty, and refusing their advances just is Not an option. They’ll often lose their temper if you misbehave too much, and it wont take much to get them to that point. They’re very loud and headstrong, and will absolutely manipulate you into doing whatever they want. They aren’t very affectionate, but if you ask nicely enough they’ll begrudgingly cuddle with you (and secretly enjoy it but shhh) Their punishments: severe. Their amount of remorse: zero.

Taurus - Definitely a more submissive yandere!! Probably a delusional and when you disagree with them or tell them theyre wrong, that you don’t love them, they will probably cry so much and not speak to you for days at a time as opposed to physically punishing you. Will not get angry easily and will repress any anger they feel until one day they snap and go Crazy and break your legs or something. They will not take kindly to your nasty remarks or constant attempts to free yourself from their captivity, but they will generally react very passively because they love you and would never want to hurt you (unless they really had to, of course)!! 10/10 will make you nap with them. Constantly.

Gemini - They’re probably a little delusional, but also really obsessive and clingy!! They will force you to cuddle with them for HOURS AND HOURS and just... play with your hair... and babble about their day and the weather and whatever to keep you in their arms. It’s honestly pretty nice and relaxing, and perfect if you’re okay with lounging around all day. They’ll probably really half-ass everything too. Like yeah you’ll be in handcuffs, but if you really tried you’d probably be able to slip out of them because they didn’t bother getting ones that actually fit. Also, everytime you lash out at them they will completely brush it off and deflect everything. They will just pull you into their lap and coddle you until you’ve calmed down and stopped saying such ridiculous things to them. Will also make really dumb jokes in conversations they have with you, and you will have to laugh no matter how awful they are. I mean, unless you want to be punished (read: cuddled) more.

Cancer - A soft yandere, baby!! They will pamper the HELL out of you. They will deck your room out with the nicest furniture, get you the /softest/ handcuffs on the market, bake you your favorite desserts, the whole nine yards!! They will comfort you when you cry about your situation, but will refuse to acknowledge that they are the reason your crying. Very delusional and very manipulative, will guilt trip you into being nice to them. Very powerful puppy dog eyes. 10/10 will kiss you on the forehead and apologize for every bad thing they’ve ever had to do to you.

Leo - They were probably the popular kid in school and you probably had a massive crush on them. When u finally managed to get their attention they never stopped paying attention to you. The next thing you knew, you were locked in their attic. They are very ambitious, and once they had their eyes set on you, no one was going to get in their way. Very possessive, will cut off all of your friends for you and be very jealous!! When the roles are reversed, though, and you get jealous of their friends, it’s fine baby!! There’s nothing to be jealous of!! ^3^ Will probably spoil you a little bit, but only if you havent pissed them off recently. If you’re mean to them they will take it so personally and be so dramatic about it!!

“Can you say something to me it’s been three days.”

“I thought my voice was annoying you >:T”

“Oh my god-“

Virgo - Protective protective protective!! Will lock you in a room with absolutely no furniture with sharp corners or anything you could hurt yourself on. An actual perfectionist, will put makeup on you, do your hair so there isn’t a single strand out of place, and dress you in color coordinated outfits ONLY. Will literally take the best care of you, but it’s overbearing how much they worry about your safety all. The. Time. You will more than likely never leave the house without them, and never without at least SPF 50 sunscreen on. Will attempt to be your personal therapist, but has never properly processed and emotion before, so... they aren’t very effective. If you attempt to escape, they will punish you severely.

“Ayo I sure wish I wasn’t HERE right now ahaha sure wish I was HOME and not with YOU.”

“Oh? Ahahaha okay!” *literally breaks your fucking toes* “See! You have to stay with me!! You could get hurt much worse than this in the outside world, you have to be more careful!! :)”

Libra - Probably protective and obsessive to a certain extent. Will probably be really sympathetic?? But like in a “I cant let you go I’m sorry the world is bad and scary and I don’t want you getting hurt.” kinda way. They would want to give you a little bit of freedom, though, so they’ll let you go out with your friends occasionally, but they’ll be VERY cautious and, well, protective of you. They are very understanding and give you lenient punishments when you push them over the edge and theyre ‘forced’ to punish you, but will not comfort you afterwards to compensate for the lack of severity of their punishments. Balance, baby!

Scorpio - An obsessive for sure. Literally IN LOVE WITH YOU. Will instagram stalk you, your family, your friends, your neighbor’s dogs, ANYONE that has ever been in contact with you. They already know everything about you when they finally execute their plan to kidnap you. They’re very attractive and strong willed and will put you in your place with no hesitation, but afterwards will attempt to kiss it better because they feel sorta bad. They just want you to love them!! They crave so much attention constantly, and will want to cuddle with you and be close to you at all times. You will have to be an excellent liar, because they will be able to call you on your bullshit so easily!! They will absolutely not tolerate any lying, so it’s better to justbe honest with them, even if you think it will make them mad. 10/10 will probably stare at you for hours on end without saying a single word and then watch you sleep. All lovingly, of course.

Sagittarius - P o s s e s s i v e. Can and will beat the shit out of anyone that touches you and will beat the shit out of you if you mention someone other than them to teach you a lesson. They have very bad commitment issues because they’re afraid of the people they love leaving them, and they overcompensate for it a lot. Probably actually a little bit out of their mind beyond the whole “I have my love interest locked in my basement” thing. Will give you the bare minimum amount of the things you need to survive and will deprive you of food and water for days at a time if you say something a little too nasty to them. Is really good at saying the right things to talk you down when you’re upset after a punishment or something. Very good at making you laugh as much as you hate to admit it!! 10/10 will probably turn to sensory deprivation if all else fails just because they’re sadistic like that.

Capricorn - Very responsible, planned a lot for your arrival. Very smart, rational, and protective, they have a plan for literally any situation thrown their way. They’re very fragile but they project it all onto you, and as a result they take very good care of you. They’re kinda intimidating but actually very sweet, and they love you more than they love themself. Probably rich because they’re really good at saving money, and they’ll spoil you with every cent they have. Bossy, and if you choose to ignore what they tell you to do they will make your life miserable for the next few days. Again, they’re very serious looking and intimidating, but they have a playful and carefree side that only really comes out around you!! They love you a whole lot, and make that very clear through the gifts they give you constantly.

Aquarius - Hear me out. Remember that tsundere yandere post Daydreams made? That’s Aquarius. They are very mean and nasty!!! A true goblin, honestly. They’re totally head over heels in love with you, but they’ll make you work to earn that love, even though you didn’t ask for it. You want attention?

“Haha nerd, why would I come cuddle you?? That’s like... weird... You’re gross!!”

Do they hate you, or do they want to marry you and ride off into the sunset with you? You’ll never know, because they wont ever let you get close enough to them to figure out what goes on inside that crazy head of theirs. Overall will probably treat you well, if you’re okay with the constant bullying and berating that you’ll get from them daily, that is.

Pisces - Soft like Cancer, but obsessive like Scorpio!! Has very strong feelings for you, but doesn’t know how to manage them in a healthy way. They want you all to themself, and the only way they know how to keep you in their life is by taking you. Very manipulative and delusional.

“Haha fancy seeing you here babe!”

“I am locked in your basement and I have been for the past seven months-“

“Crazy how we just keep running into eachother! Are you, like, obsessed with me or something?”

Like Virgo, they’ll try to be your personal therapist, but Pisces is actually good at it. You can never hide how you’re feeling from them, because if they pick up even the slightest difference in your tone of voice they will dig through their brain for any possible event that could have taken place to make your mood shift even the slightest bit. Crazy, but in a very loving and wholesome way. 10/10 would take a bullet for you!!

[tae-cup]

Fragments of Lace and Ribbon | PJM

Pairing: Park Jimin x Reader

Summary: You don’t remember much, but you remember them...

Genre: Choose your own adventure, amnesia au, fluff

Warnings: N/A

Rating: PG

Word Count: 3k Words

A/N: Forgive me for not having a dancing bone in my body

Header by the talented and amazing @dnrequests​

Timeline Place: 2

Other:

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

        The sweat rolled down your cheek, raced across your neck, and fell to the ground with the grace of a cheetah. Or perhaps a swan would be a better analogy here. Lisa, the choreographer, clapped her hands together, a tight lipped smile on her face. You hesitantly stepped off the raised platform. Jimin stepped around from it as well. 

“No, no, no, you guys need to be able to capture the emotions of this scene.” Lisa snapped, massaging the crease between her brows. 

“Listen, this scene is where, for the first time, the black swan trusts her lover enough to let herself fall. Yes, it’s a metaphor, yadah yadah, that doesn’t matter.” The woman sighed. “Come on, just get it together.” 

“I can’t help it, I’m nervous. You’re asking us to do a trust fall on stage. How do I know he’ll be there to catch me.” You whispered softly. 

“Is that not the point of a trust fall, Y/N?” Lisa snapped shut her notebook and shouldered her bag.

 “Class dismissed, don’t forget to stretch.” Then the teacher turned to you with a sour expression. “Really, Y/N, it’s not that bad.”

       You just dipped your head, not one to argue with the teacher. A warm hand landed on your shoulder and you jumped, having forgotten you were not alone. Also, Jimin was known for moving rather quietly. The other students were stretching and packing up. 

“Can you help me stretch?” He asked, his voice sweet and soft. Jimin was always soft. 

“Yeah, sure.” You quickly agreed, following him to an open space. He stretched out his legs in front of him and you pressed on his back. He groaned in relief. 

“That’s good, thanks.” He praised you, making your stomach flip for an unknown reason. You pressed a little harder and he released a long breath. 

        You were busy thinking about the routine in your head. You needed to leap onto the raised part of the stage, Jimin trailing behind, and fall backwards, trusting he’d be there. The problem? You didn’t trust him. It wasn’t that he was a bad dude or anything, you just didn’t really...understand him.  

“You can trust me, Y/N.” He said softly as you readjusted your position. His words pulled you from your thoughts. 

“I know.” you answered hesitantly. He seemed pleased with that and slowly stood up. You eased off his back. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Y/N. Take care.” The man smiled sweetly and shouldered his bag, exiting the room. 

“5, 6, 7, 8,” Lisa clapped to the beat. Her shouts were drowned out as you focused on the routine. You knew your routine, you just hoped Jimin did as well. 

        You leapt onto the raised platform, the heat of the lights beating onto your sweaty forehead. A few wisps of hair curled onto your forehead. You did a pirouette and then sharply inhaled. You better be there. You thought to yourself as you pretended to lose balance. 

       You gracefully tipped backwards at the other end of the platform, only to yelp in surprise. The music cut and, in a daze, you slowly sat up. You had fallen. Well, not really. Jimin was uselessly holding onto your arm, just a few moments too late. 

     You blinked a few times, seeing his face peer into your peripheral. 

“Oh my god, are you okay? I’m so sorry.” He sputtered. “I’ll practice it more. I swear you won’t be dropped again!”

      Your eyes scanned his distraught expression and you decided to forgive him, though the seed of doubt had been planted. Lisa was calling for a water bottle and to turn down the lights, probably thinking you were a little out of it.

      In contrast, you were wide awake, alert, and aware of yourself. Could you trust him to catch you? The thought was swallowed and rested uncomfortably in the pit of your stomach. 

“It’s fine, Jimin, just practice.” You said lightly, standing up and dusting off your tights. “But seriously, work on it. It could cause some serious issues later.” You tried to say as nice as possible, but he got the message. 

         If you were injured, there was no way you could major in dance. It was like how when you seriously break a bone and it’s never quite the same. Your art required it to be the same. 

         The performing arts had always been your dream once you had gone to college and you were thankful for the scholarship considering your awful grades. A twinge of melancholy pricked at the back of your mind. Namjoon and you hadn’t exactly worked out once college forced you your separate ways. 

        It never would’ve worked anyway. You had long since gotten over him and you were friendly, but, like a broken bone, it would never quite be the same. You just tried to ignore the same flutter of excitement that Jimin gave you. But trust was important and right now, it just wasn’t there.

         Jimin was a nice boy, you had seen him around. He was always the one to hold open the door, help you carry things when your hands were full, and the first to check in if you seemed gloomy. 

        He was a perfect angel. So you just had to trust that he could execute. Lisa rushed over with a water bottle, but upon finding you standing upright and looking only a little startled, she calmed down significantly. 

“You guys should practice this move outside of class.” She instructed. “I’ll leave the keys in my office. Please just practice it, otherwise you’re going to give me a panic attack on stage.”

“Can’t we just...change it?” You suggested sheepishly. The woman looked appalled. 

“No way, Y/N.” She said firmly. “I know it’s tough, but this is a good challenge. Besides, this is the most important part of the show.” 

      She continued on her rant and you didn’t want to interrupt so you stood quietly, nodding to her points.

“So, you see why you need to do this?”

“Yes, ma’am.” You dipped your head, having tuned out long ago. 

      Her hand landed softly on her shoulder. Her face was gentle, kind. She understood your hesitation. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I wouldn’t have casted you if I didn’t think you could do it.” She said quietly and your pride swelled. With a proud smile, you watched her walk off to critique the others. 

“Wanna continue working?” Jimin’s soft voice said. You turned, having almost forgotten he was there. You nodded. 

“Yeah. Let’s get this thing down.”

         You collapsed to the wooden floor, exhausted and disappointed in your lack of progress. So far, you’d practiced the same thing about 20 times. 10 of those he was too early, you were, sadly for your bottom, dropped five times and you had only managed to execute it five more times.

        It wouldn’t be so worrying if those five times that worked were all together and at the end. Alas, they were spread out between your attempts and it felt like a guess and check sort of method. It was like you were gambling and Jimin was an elusive object, an uncertainty.

       You wanted it to work so bad, you had no idea what had gotten into him. He was usually so level headed, picking up moves faster than you could even imagine. And yet, you were starting to lose faith, beginning to check if he would be there in time when you ran it through. Here he was now, collapsed on the ground beside you. 

“I don’t know what’s going wrong.” He started after catching his breath.

         There was a long pause, his voice bouncing off the walls. Your eyes remained trained on the white concrete ceiling. After a taxing day at practice, you often found your mind numb and incapable of forming coherent sentences. As frustrated as you were with him, it wasn’t like you could force him to be on time like a puppet master. 

“Uh huh.” You drawled, taking a deep breath as you felt your adrenaline fading. 

        It was after dark, the fluorescent lights of the studio seeming just a little too bright. Your internal clock was fucked, especially considering the lack of windows. 

“You alright? I’m sorry I dropped you, I swear I’ll continue practicing.” 

“Continue practicing?” You sit up, running a hand through your sweaty hair. “Park Jimin, you’ve practiced a ton, with me and without me, we both know it.” 

      You took his silence as defeat. Jimin was the kind of person that worked until they dropped or their body gave in. He was a perfectionist, you could tell simply from observing him in class. So that got you thinking about...what if the issue laid within you? What if he was off because you were off? 

       There was also the possibility that you were messing with his timing by doing something off and he was worried about dropping you. You massaged the crease between your brows. 

“Jimin, I think the issue lies inside your head.” You said. Then you groaned at the implication. “I mean, I just think you’re psyching yourself out. You can trust me to keep time, just focus on yourself.” 

       Jimin sat up as well. You both faced the mirror. You saw your sweaty and disheveled reflection, wincing at how messy you looked. His hair was sticking to his forehead and slicked at the sides with glistening sweat. 

      Yeah, you both looked horrid, but together you made quite the picture. You smiled a little at the thought and maintained eye contact with yourself in the mirror. In your peripheral, you saw him glance at your reflection. 

“I know.” He said softly, steepling his fingers. He rested his elbows on his knees and remained looking in deep thought. “I don’t know, Y/N, I’m scared of letting you fall.” 

“Then don’t.” You answered quickly. 

      Then you sighed and your eyes flicked to his in the mirror. 

“I trust that you won’t let me fall. You don’t have anything to prove. Anyway, you’ve already dropped me like ten times...what harm can ten more do? As long as it’s not the performance, I’m fine with it.” 

      He nodded, rubbing at his forehead angrily. Jimin took in a shaky breath, feeling his eyes water a little. 

“Why am I like this?” He said miserably. You remained silent. 

“I don’t understand why I can’t just get it right. It’s not even that hard.” He whispered, his voice barely audible. The static of the room was suffocating, the air stale. 

“Sometimes perfection is in the imperfections.” You said softly. 

      Your hand left your side and instead reached out to rub his back. You felt the heaving of his chest and the stutters of his breath. 

        You closed your eyes for a moment, thinking back to your practice. Yeah, it had been hard, even annoying, not knowing if he would catch you, but there had been little moments you could appreciate. 

        The brush of his skin on yours, the soft and apologetic smiles, the laugh that rang like a sweet bell. You had a lot to be thankful for in this practice. You got to see how Jimin worked, the way his brain behaved. There must be something that wasn’t clicking. You both knew that he was capable, more than capable. 

           You opened your eyes, letting your gaze move to him. He was still pulling himself together. Now, you had seen, quite literally, blood, sweat, and tears, shed in this dance room. You shifted to your side slightly and gently tugged him into a hug. He didn’t resist. 

        You held him for what felt like ages. The warmth of his body flush up against yours made your temperature rise. The room felt like it was getting hotter, but you knew it was just that he was clutching onto you like you were his last hope. 

“Jimin, you’ve got to cut yourself some slack. Take it easy, okay love?” You said tenderly. “I’ll figure it out, just leave it to me.”

       You listened to the music again, and once again, you were thrown off. You were sure you had figured out the issue, but you needed to double check. Again, the question of why would this throw off such a seasoned dancer? Came to mind. But, everyone had their weakness. You wrote down a few notes and then called up Jimin. 

      He picked up on the first ring. 

“Yeah?”

“I think I may have figured out our small issue.”

“Oh?”

“Practice room A, 6:00 P.M.” 

“Great, see you then.”

       You paced, playing the music once more. Jimin sat on the wooden floor, his legs crossed and head tilted curiously. You paused the music that pulsed through the speakers. 

“Do you hear it?” You demanded.

        He just quirked an eyebrow, looking at you like you were a mad woman. And in his defense, it did look like that. 

      Your hair was a mess, strands flying in every direction, as you spoke to him. Your eyes were wide and alight, having figured out the issue. He slowly shook his head, watching your face turn to a scowl. 

“Okay, well, here’s the issue,” You sniffed, placing your hands on your hips. “The time signature.” 

      He didn’t seem convinced so you continued on. You waved your hands like mad and in all honesty, it had been a while since you slept. You had always had awful time management skills. 

“It’s in a 5/4 time signature, but your brain is trying to compensate by moving to what feels right; 4/4 or some multiple of two.” You explained. “I can’t believe I didn’t notice before.” You huffed, stopping your wild pacing to get a good look at his face. 

       The room was dimly lit after you burst in, complaining about the horrendous lighting first thing. He watched you, amused, but also his eyes alight with the epiphany. 

“Wow! You’re a genius, I have no idea why I didn’t notice before!” He leapt to his feet and scooped you into an unexpected hug. You refused to let your cheeks heat up, but your heart was beating like crazy. 

“Ah, it’s not a problem, you would’ve figured it out.” You said sheepishly. “You can...put me down now.” 

“Oh...right.” He awkwardly cleared his throat, setting you down. “I don’t know, Y/N, you’re smart and I had...other things on my mind that distracted me.” He said vaguely, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Do I want to know?”

“You’ll find out.” His angelic face morphed into a sinful grin. You playfully shoved him, resulting in his overexaggerated protests. 

“You’re such a dummy.” You chided, waltzing over to the ipod. “Now, let’s run it again.” 

         God, why were you sweating so much? Why were you so nervous? You had practiced the routines a million times, every step was memorized, every beat was ingrained in your very being.

         There was no way in hell you should be getting stage fright. The applause of the crowd gave you pause, your heart leaping into your throat as the overture began. Lisa appeared on stage, giving a few words. 

        The Black Swan was a new performance, a spin on the classics. 

Dressed in an inky black top with satin shorts, the swan makes her first appearance. In the kingdom of white swans, she is scorned, tossed aside. Her feathers are dirtied, her pride wounded.

 You spun, extending your hands, letting the movement flow from your fingertips to the ceiling. 

The swan comes across a large puddle of white clay one day, and in a desperate cry of anguish, slathers herself with the white clay, staining her feathers an angelic white, just like her peers. She’s considered beautiful, taken in by the villagers, who do not recognize it is her, and presented to the prince. 

You curtseyed as the prince made his solo entrance. 

The prince takes a liking to the white swan, yet every day leading up to the wedding, she must awake early and leave to cover herself in the clay. She can feel her facade crackling. 

One day, she sneaks away, days before the wedding, and runs into another black swan. 

Jimin appears on stage, leaping his way into the bushes and rolling in the metaphorical clay. He gingerly watches you.

 She drops her handful of clay, surprised to see another black swan. 

Day after day, long after the wedding, she returns to the puddle. And day after day, he greets her until she feels herself falling. The black swan is unsure of how to continue living her lie. 

The two get into a disagreement. He protests, claiming he would love her with all his heart, the color of her feathers does not bother him. She calls him a liar and runs away, unable to allow him to see her vulnerable. 

Again, the next day, they argue. The black swan cries, throwing herself into the clay to hide herself. He reaches out for her, she pulls away. 

      You ran around the raised platform, dread building. Yes, you were out of breath and running on fumes as the climax of the performance began, but you were more concerned about the trust fall. 

       Could you trust him? Your brain said no, your gut said yes. 

The man reassures her that she should love herself, she should let herself be like him, be with him. 

      The music crescendos, building and sweeping the audience up in its loving arms. The suspense continues to a dizzying climax, the strings falling down the scale as you spun onto the platform. 

      You listened to your gut, taking a deep breath, and tipping backwards.

 The swan falls into her lover’s arms, confessing herself, opening herself up to him.

      You stared up at him. The bright lights casted a shadow over his beautiful features, but you could feel the rise and fall of his chest. His sparkling eyes peered into yours.

The swan is no longer alone. The swan has been caught and she can finally breathe easy. The worst is over, now it’s time to let her true colors show. 

Want to try another path?

Go Back To The Beginning

[aresrl]

Hi ! I saw you were doing genshin matchups can i have one including my vision, friends, enemy and my romantic partner ? In other words can i have the whole formula haha ? I like to write on the spot so i may during my description express myself as if i was the funniest clown or jump on subjects & subjects… Please indulge me in advance :)

So starting by essential infos : i go by she/her, am 18 and would like to be paired up w a male. It can be a funny info depending of my results so i am going to say one thing about my apparence : i am on the taller side for a girl, being 173cm. Personality wise : I can be described as creative, honest, competitive, independent, rebellious, smart, playful and chaotic.

Overall i am ambiverted but can be for some hard to approach cause of my resting mean face or the way i am direct w words. I like to think a lot but am what you can call a mix of rationality and irrationality. I like to process all possibilities like a crazy sciencist, learning about new things making a step closer to the truths this world can hold to have my own perception and apply what i think is justice ? Ah, Watch me being all philosophical yet people like to call me coleric but i guess it’s just on jealousy as i obviously do of sort to make decisions w my head rather than my heart / semi ironic. but i am not immune to my own emotions even if i can hide them or bottles them up for a long time. I consider showing too much emotions as weakness and i do not like to be seen as vulnerable… So when i feel romantic feelings towards someone i also tend to feel kind of mixed up about this and do not know how to act, i use all my forces to hide my easily flustered self and then process to either flirt accidentally or act like my collected self so not so much, friendly but mysterious.

I value adaptability, quick thinking process, curiosity and detachement to social norms. I can be quite hard on myself despite not looking like your usual and organized perfectionist but do not mind facing others adversity. My hobbies consist of drawing, writing, reading, listening to music like everyone on this platform lol but add learning new things and playing all sort of games no considering their nature, also i like from time to time to cook even if i am far from being an expert but i absolutely no take slander on my skills and i do physical activities as i pay attention to my condition and want to still be able to fight whoever mess w me or run after whoever mess w me too. I take interest in psychology, history, social, economics, philosophy and languages. Currently stduying law to be the weirdest avocate. I like spicy food or just food in general, the sensation of the sun on my skin, poetry and art in all its forms. I like to take inspiration of my surroundings and am quite sensitive to things as rain, fire for that. If i wasn’t poor it would make complete sense that i like to travel, but it’s bound to not happen as i have also poor money management skills… My case is not as bad as Mr.Zhongli but i too have quite a detached relationship w money and try to not be involved in…. There’s like tons of people who owe me money but i am like too tired to even reclaim it and i guess it’s on my hidden generousity. Insert virtual sigh here, What can i add ? A fun fact about me ? During something like a week i have putted salt on my father water during summer cause i was angry at him and was laughing everyday cause he was complaining but couldn’t find the responsible ? And Till this days he don’t know it’s me ? Also i did write a 3k one shot about food flavor once, I think that’s enough embarrassment for me, thank you for doing this and I hope that’s enough and most importantly useful infos.

Okay, while reading you, I was like: “Ok, ok, calm down.” Here are your results

You received... A Pyro vision! Optimistic, enthusiastic, impulsive, reckless, and a lot of energy are the general characteristics held by the Pyro vision. • I said I wouldn't base myself on astrology and all but are you an Aries? The way you wrote your description instantly made me think of it, and the Pyro vision and this sign share the same energy. • So, the way you're writing is one of the reasons why you got a Pyro vision. • Even though you said you take your decisions with your head and not your heart, you seem very impulsive: someone made you feel bad? You will immediately plan your revenge. • You seem to have infinite energy to spend (especially on annoying people). Your partner would be... Childe! Chaotic couple. • Honestly, I think he's the only partner that could deal with you because he also likes to “cause quite the stir.” • He will manage “your” money. • He loves your softer self and will also be soft with you if he sees it. • Childe would be supportive with you, and sometimes you'd share totally different opinions on certain things so it can create interesting situations. Your friend would be... Xingqiu! Chaotic friends. • You share a common way of thinking, even though Xingqiu might be more sneaky. • Because you've got the same ideas, you always have fun together. • He's also one of the only ones that can deal with you. Your enemy would be... Chongyun! Leader of the “Victims of Y/n and Xingqiu” alliance. • Your curiosity didn't pass through Chongyun's condition, so it creates spectacular results. • He thinks that your plans are even more annoying than Xingqiu's. • He's at the edge of hating you because you never stop bothering him. Worth to mention • Yanfei could have seen you as a sort of rival, but eventually, you ended being her assistant. • Beidou likes your values. There! My final words for this are: you don't have anything to prove, and don't lose yourself.

[thewhitefluffyhat]

No, Alina Isn’t Crazy

Let me explain...

When Alina was first introduced, I thought she was the character that made the least sense as an actual person rather than as a trope-y “mad artist” archetype.  But after the reveal of her backstory, I find her personality and motivations do make sense, especially when you consider the events of Alina’s Magical Girl Story from her perspective.  

Indeed, since that story’s release on JP, she’s quickly risen to become my favorite new character from Magia Record.  Hence why I’m posting this today - it’s another semi-Magia Rapport related post, haha.  Alina is definitely my favorite of the Forest element characters, and perhaps this essay will show a little of why that is.

Provocative title and Magia Rapport aside, though, what’s actually below the "Keep reading” is a close read analysis essay, specifically focused on Alina’s MGS.  (A lot of Holy Alina’s MGS serves to confirm and reinforce little points scattered throughout this too, but this post was long enough without it!)

Introduction

The theme of Alina’s own art might be “Alina’s beauty” and “life, death, and emotion/decay.”  But I would argue that the theme of her MGS as a when taken as a short story is “voyeurism and objectification at the cost of self-identity.”  Specifically, how Alina’s actions and personality are the logical conclusion to that concept taken to an extreme.

There’s one important truth to Alina’s world, and that is the idea that Alina’s art IS Alina.  We see it at the start – when she says her art is what she enjoys and what she grasps with her own hands.  We see it at the end – with her realization that her art’s theme is “Alina’s beauty.”

And at the end of the day, what MGS Alina most seems to want is to be left alone to do art, to be herself.  But who is Alina?

Alina the Teen Prodigy

Unfortunately for Alina, her fame gets in the way of figuring that out.  Such is the life of a teen prodigy.  As perhaps can be expected, constantly parading children under a spotlight is a great recipe for turning out extremely high-strung kids with very warped self-esteem.

(See also: Nemu, but especially Touka.)

The exchange regarding the award here is a good illustration of that mindset.  It might initially seem contradictory for Alina to work desperately hard to win an award that she later doesn’t want and claims she wasn’t aiming to win.  But once being “gifted” becomes central to your identity, winning an award doesn’t feel good anymore.  It feels more like running in place, just the bare minimum expected of you to maintain your identity as a genius.  And Alina’s perfectionism means she can’t not hold herself to that standard.

Indeed, Alina is already showing signs that she’s struggling under the pressure and overexposure.  Normally, Alina seems to love talking about art and her own works (as long as it isn’t about herself, anyway).  Arguing with her teacher and running away are far more of a bother and interfere with her ability to get back to painting far more than a quick meeting would have been.  Yet she curses at her teacher, bolts, and skips school rather than have to deal with the consequences of her fame again.

She’s irrationally lashing out, asserting her boundaries in whatever way she can. And with the way the characters react, this doesn’t even seem like the first time it’s happened, either...

Which suggests Alina’s problems with her fame also aren’t new.  When we first meet her, Alina is already a lot closer to a breakdown than she appears on the surface.

Having natural talent from an early age, Alina probably hasn’t learned how to deal with failure without spiraling into a full blown identity crisis.  As a perfectionist, she’s also hypersensitive to even the slightest mistake.  And given that she’s been famous for a few years at this point, her acting out is practically expected.

Just given the setting that she’s a well-known child prodigy, it’s not surprising that Alina has all these traits.

Alina’s Adults Are Useless

What is a bit disturbing, though, is that adults around Alina aren’t any help in protecting her from her fame.

Indeed, from what we see, the pattern is the opposite - over and over, the supposedly “responsible” adults in Alina’s life say her visibility matters more than her consent.  Her teacher pressures her into competitions she dislikes and then gets on her case when she pushes back.  Her parents put up her whole life story, including photos of her as a kid, without Alina’s approval or even permission. 

Jumping ahead, I think it’s rather telling that Alina manages to destroy all her art, commit suicide, and get rescued by a third party – and none of these adults even visit her.  A popular theory is that Alina’s parents are travelling in a different country.  But - did no one tell them?  Did they not care?  As it is, anything Alina does – even blatant red flags like destroying a classroom and her own art – is treated as just another work of artistic genius, to be advertised and exhibited.  

(Because apparently nothing says High Art like creep shots of a teenage girl having a mental breakdown.)

Of course, Alina isn’t being neglected or abused like Sana or Yuma.  Not even close.  But she’s not in a great situation either.  She doesn’t really have anyone she can turn to in a crisis.  The adults in her life mostly use her for their own ends, reinforcing that her worth is in her fame as an artist, not her value as a person.

Alina’s Peers Aren’t Much Better

Then, on a more subtle level, there are Alina’s peers.  Whenever she’s mentioned by people her own age, she’s either the subject of scary rumors or glowing admiration.  Other kids know her as a celebrity name to be idolized or feared, not a person.  

Before becoming a magical girl, the only person who actually makes an effort to befriend Alina is Karin.  But even she is initially caught up in the aura of Alina’s fame and contributes to the swirl of gossip around her.

The result is a situation where everyone around Alina has their own opinion on who she is.  No one seems to care or leave space for who Alina wants herself to be.  And Alina, not having a social life to fall back on, is increasingly left with “genius artist” as the only means she has to interact with the world.  It’s a self-reinforcing spiral.

The Critic’s Letter

First, what it’s not: this isn’t about Alina getting a bad review and not being able to handle criticism of her work.  She’s already won the competition.  And Alina is perfectionistic to unhealthy levels - she’s already her own worst critic.

Rather, the letter’s insinuations are both subtler and crueler.  As Alina says, the critic isn’t concerned with her artwork - he’s commenting on Alina as a person.   Thus, the critic’s words are the same pattern as before, now crystallized into its sharpest and purest form.

Alina’s internal sense of identity is precariously fragile.  Meanwhile, Alina’s external identity is being used as a canvas for other people’s desires.  Even though all Alina really wants is to create art for her own sake, other people obsess over and dump their own meaning (or lack of meaning) onto her works.

Once again, Alina’s art is conflated with Alina herself.  The person is being evaluated as a piece of art.

As if that wasn’t enough, the letter’s final insinuation that Alina is losing her brilliance is a triple threat.  If she can’t create great art, Alina loses the activity she enjoys most. She also loses the one thing she knows other people value her for.  And worst of all, she loses the only touchpoint she has for her sense of self.

Cue existential crisis.  Alina’s life is Alina’s art.  Alina’s art is Alina life.   Without one, she doesn’t have any concept of the other.  

And in the light of all this, her suicide makes perfect sense. 

Alina’s Suicide

Welcome to the literal and figurative objectification of Alina.  Literal, in that she’s turning into a corpse.  Figurative in that by putting her body up for display, she’s allowing people to voyeuristically consume it –  an idea further reinforced by the “Kusouzu / Nine Phases” reference in the title implying a tinge of sexual objectification as well. 

Now that she’s destroyed all of her previous works, the only thing Alina leaves her audience to look at is Alina herself.  Filming her body as it turns from a person into a dead object was simply the logical conclusion to a life of being displayed, objectified, and overwritten by others’ perceptions.  

But how does Alina feel about this ending?

The day of her suicide, Alina rushes around in a kind of manic euphoria.  This isn’t especially odd.  After all, it’s not uncommon for a suicidal person to outwardly appear happier before they make an attempt, as finally having a concrete plan of action can feel like a huge relief.  

Dying means a solution to Alina’s worries about her talent fading.  Dying also means an end to all the pressure, all the constant struggle of performing to ever-heightening expectations.  Alina can simply abandon the cases and tools once she’s done with them - no need to stress about the future when she won’t have one.

Alina’s farewell, though, betrays darker emotions.  It’s simultaneously deeply spiteful - “this is what you all wanted from me, are you happy now?” - yet also an admission of utter defeat.  Alina is giving up her very humanity and selfhood to be evaluated as whatever her audience wants.

Throughout the story, everyone keeps telling Alina that her art is intoxicating, pulling the viewer into it… but the reality is the exact opposite.  Alina’s art was just something Alina made for herself, and any intoxicating meaning was something the viewer injected into it.  

And thus, Alina’s revelation.  Alina’s theme is “Alina’s beauty” – both a rejection and an embrace of that objectification.  Now, Alina has declared that her art loudly and unabashedly about herself, viewer projection be damned.  And yet, at the same time, since “Alina” is what viewers are obsessed with seeing, then Alina will give them exactly what they want…

An Artistic Failure?

So then why does Alina consider her final art to be a failure?  It fits well within the theme of “Alina’s beauty.”   Indeed, her later works like “Humanity’s Implicit Reward” and even her swimsuit are arguably just softer variations of the “Alina’s body as forbidden yet alluring object for the viewer to consume” idea that is present here.

This suicide also seems to fit into the “life and death” motifs she has.  It’s a twisted kind of resurrection - effectively, she’s killing herself as a human in order to live on eternally as a memorable piece of art.

Alina plans her final work directly because she thinks she’s dying as a creator.  Rather than face her brilliance fading, she chooses to defy it by going out in a blaze of glory.  And when put that way, it’s an exciting and fitting conclusion.  

There’s just one little problem with that narrative...

While drifting between life and death, Alina realizes the critic was wrong.  She had a theme all along.  Alina’s brilliance wasn’t fading.

And thus, since she wasn’t a “dying artist,” her “going out in a blaze of glory” no longer holds any profound meaning.  She’s just a silly teenager who got too worked up over a harsh letter.

The overall concept behind Alina’s last work wasn’t the issue.  The failure was in the timing and execution, killing herself before such a thing had meaning and in a way such that her body would be found.

And so, I don’t think Alina has learned her lesson here.  I don’t think Karin’s words have gotten through to her yet.  If she concludes at a later point that her talent is truly is fading or that she’s lost her theme, I’d fully expect her to pull another suicidal stunt again.

Conclusion

So the good news: Alina lived!  She’ll have plenty more chances to create art and figure herself out!

But the bad news: Alina’s revelation implies she’s now even more reliant on her identity as a genius artist.  

And thus, like so many other characters, the end to Alina’s MGS isn’t really an ending. She hasn’t solved the problem at the heart of the crisis that led to her wish.  Becoming a magical girl and discovering witches does nothing to stop Alina from falling into another identity spiral, nor has she left her suicidal tendencies behind.

Alina found her theme, but she still hasn’t found herself.

Misc Details

Some other neat miscellaneous details that fit with this interpretation:

I’m glad the English translation keeps at least a little of the quirky way Alina refers to herself.  (That being said, in Japanese, it’s even more exaggerated - she doesn’t use normal first person pronouns at all, only using “Alina.” )

Because on the one hand, this is an obvious hint at her extreme narcissism: Alina’s sentences frequently emphasize her name.

On the other hand, it’s a great subtle detail to return to the theme of objectification.  To put it another way, Alina refers to herself in third-person.  That is, even when Alina is speaking about herself, she reflexively frames it from the point of view of another person.  Because Alina is constantly having other people’s perspectives forced onto her!

Also, it turns out the pattern of others projecting onto Alina is present in her witch as well!  “Old Dorothy” is a historical figure whose diaries have been analyzed by multiple different researchers.  Some of them came to the conclusion that Dorothy was definitely a witch, others came to the conclusion she was definitely a normal, upstanding member of her community.  The researchers got completely opposite results from the same exact diaries.  So therefore - did they truly care about learning what Dorothy was really like?  Or were they just out to prove their own theories?

(Two years in, Old Dorothy is even more fitting of a name.  Doroinu basically predicted the entire fan response to Alina.  Some people see her as an evil (w)itch, some people see her as a sympathetic figure - all from looking at the same text.

We’re even starting to see the “two sides” of Alina come up in the Main Story, with Karin’s subplot in Arc 2.)

Meanwhile, Old Dorothy’s form - a “paint tube” - carries both this “paint over with your perceptions” meaning while also suggesting the same story as Alina’s final piece in miniature.  

Unlike Izabel, Alina’s witch form isn’t that of an artist.  Because when Alina hits her lowest point of despair, she no longer considers herself to be an artist.  She believes the only value she has left is to become literal materials to create art.  

In other words, Old Dorothy is Alina turning herself into art again.  It’s just rainbow paint this time instead of red.

Last but not least: yes, I am absolutely aware of the irony of this essay.   Here I am rambling about how Alina’s story is all about her struggle to be herself while everyone seems determined to erase her in favor of their own projections – and yet  a good chunk of this interpretation is probably my projecting on her.   Whoops!

Still, even if you disagree with it, I hope this essay was interesting and maybe made you question some of your assumptions about Alina.  

Thanks for reading!

[purplesurveys]

1236

survey by lasertine

10 How's

How did you get one of your scars? I keep recounting the story of my eyebrow scar, so I’ll share something else...I have several scars on both my knees since I was the neighborhood’s clumsiest kid and ALWAYS tripped/stumbled when I played outside. I used to be extremely insecure of my legs, but started to stop caring as I gradually noticed that no one really gives a shit about scars from childhood accidents.

How did you celebrate your last birthday? I went to work, being the workaholic I am. I only celebrated in the evening, when I bought a week’s worth of food for my family and I to feast on. I was honestly fine with it; it was exactly how I wanted my birthday to go as I’ve stopped wanting to make a big deal out of it haha.

How are you feeling at this moment? Weirdly relaxed for a Sunday. The gloomy and cozy weather is probably helping with that.

How did your night go last night? As a fangirl, good! Got lots of new content which is always fun. As a person (lol), it was just fine. I like being able to recharge on weekends and I can never really complain even if I don’t end up doing anything productive.

How did you do in high school? I was a bit all over the place. I exerted some level of effort in my favorite classes but didn’t really do the same for subjects I didn’t care for as much, like home ec, chemistry, math, etc; but on average I managed to get good grades all throughout. Overall, I kinda acknowledged very early on that high school grades weren’t going to matter in the real world so I didn’t make it a point to overexert myself and just focused on having fun and making fond memories in those teen years.

How did you get the shirt you're wearing? I got it from Artwork, a local brand that sells various apparel sporting designs produced by local artists. The branch I got it from has since shut down but I believe the brand is still alive and well.

How often do you see your best friend? I used to see Angela once in a blue moon mainly because our schedules always clashed back when we were still students, but ever since forming our little Army friend group with Reena I’ve been seeing her nearly every week.

How much money did you spend last month? LOL June was actually my worst and most shameful performance when it came to spending...let’s move on...

How old do you want to be when you get married? Kinda happen it would happen by the time I’m in between the ages of 28 and 30, kind of losing hope on it.

How old will you be at your next birthday? 24.

NINE What’s

What is the most important part of your life? I’ve said this several times but it’s really work. I’m aware of my weaknesses at my job and I want nothing more than to improve on those just because my perfectionist ass can’t bear being bad at something I’m supposed to be contributing to lol.

What did you do last weekend? Last Saturday I  watched BTS’ concert in Sao Paulo and had my first session at my Korean class. Last Sunday I mostly chilled at home but I also went to Starbucks to work for a bit but to also just relax before the week started.

What did you last cry over? Watching Angela and Reena’s graduation ceremony this afternoon. It’s hilarious because I didn’t even cry during and was mostly indifferent towards my own grad, but I surprised myself by breaking into tears while watching theirs. I’m guessing the emotions simply welled up from me being very grateful for our friendship, which formed when I needed it the most.

What are you worried about? I always get Monday anxiety on Sundays, so let’s go with that.

What is your mother’s name? Abby.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset? BTS, for one.

What would you rather be doing? It’s not a matter of what I would rather be doing, but where I would rather be. And right now, I wish I was back on a Friday evening with the weekend just about to start.

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other? Patience.

What did you have for breakfast? My mom cooked up a feast for today’s breakfast for no reason - we had fried rice, tocino, I think bangus(?) and if not bangus then it was some other kind of fish, corned beef, cheese omelette, glazed ham, bacon strips, and the leftover chicken wings from last night’s dinner.

EIGHT Have You’s

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? I probably do something of the sort at least once a day.

Have you ever had sex on the beach? No. I think I might feel uncomfortable doing so, even if you told me it would be a private beach lol. 

Have you ever been backstabbed by a friend? Yes.

Have you ever been out of the country? Yup, but it’s been a while. :( I haven’t traveled abroad since 2016.

Have you ever dated someone younger than you? It barely counts; she was only like a month and half younger.

Have you ever liked someone who already had somebody? That hasn’t happened.

Have you ever been brokenhearted? Of course.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day? Many times.

SEVEN Who’s:

Who is the last person you saw? My dad. He was watching the evening news in his room when I heard the report playing Permission to Dance so I rushed in there to see what the news was going to be about, hahahaha.

Who is the last person that you texted? ...also my dad. I was just asking him where he was since I had been craving chapaguri the other day and was gonna request if he can quickly pass by the Korean mart near our village. He never replied so I just cooked the instant noodles that we have at home, which in hindsight was I guess for the better because at least I got to save the money I would’ve paid him with.

Who called you last? The Lalamove driver I mentioned on the previous survey.

Who is the last person you hung out with? Angela, Reena, and Hans.

Who did you hug last? Angela, right before I left from her place last Tuesday.

Who is the last person that texted you? Not sure.

Who was the las person you said "I love you" to? Yumi, when I congratulated her on her graduation post.

SIX Where’s:

Where does your best friend live? The city next to mine.

Where is your favorite place to be? Either a coffee shop or our rooftop.

Where did you sleep last night? My bed.

Where did you last hang out? Mega with the three aforementioned friends.

Where do/did you go to school? UP.

Where did you last adventure to? ...Mega. So repetitive hahaha but I don’t really go out much these days for obvious reasons.

FIVE Do’s/Does:

Do you ever wish you were someone else? Not someone else in particular but I will sometimes daydream about having a different reality/situation, like being able to play an instrument or being more capable of affording more things.

Do you think anyone despises you? Possibly.

Do you like someone right now? Nopes.

Does the future scare you? It doesn’t scare me so much as it’s increasingly starting to make me feel lonelier whenever I start thinking about it.

Do you have any secret powers? Erm, no.

FOUR Why’s:

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)? They’ve both been there through the thick and the thin and the ugly with me and have never once left my side.

Why did your parents give you the name you have? As for both my names, they just liked the sound of them.

Why did you get a myspace? Because I noticed it was popular and I wanted to see what the fuss was about.

Why are you doing this survey? Countdown surveys are always a fun format.

THREE If’s:

If you could have one super power what would it be? Time travel.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you? If it comes down to it, as irresistible as it seems, probably not.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be? Somewhere with winter/snow.

Two Would-you-ever’s:

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? I’m struggling to think how that can action save someone, but I guess if it ever does boil down to it then yeah, in a heartbeat. It grows back and if the situation was that drastic, hair would be the least of my concerns.

Would you ever get back together with any of your exes if they asked you? Depends.

Last one:

Are you happy with how your life has turned out? Very.

[keiscait]

Hello!! I see that your matchups are open and I was wondering if I could get a Living Room and Bedroom one? Living Room would be more preferable if u can’t do both. I’m not sure if this is enough to cover both…I’m sorry agdhshdhejdbjdj

I’m not sure if u can do this but could u make this anon too? You can associate me by this emoji: 🕺

Here’s the info:

PRONOUNS: she/her

PERSONALITY (Living Room): I am generally very shy and closed off, always making sure I avoid people. I stay away from large crowds because I’m a ball of anxiety (I get anxiety easy) and I get really nervous whenever someone approaches me, especially around guys like I usually won’t look at them in the eyes because I become a blushy mess and lose my words. I am also usually very quiet too and don’t talk a lot. 

However, when I talk to my close friends, I literally become Hinata (no joke). I get so hyped, energetic, cheerful, make my friends laugh, and help them a lot too. I am also very passionate about things. When I am suffering with a problem, I don’t like telling friends because I don’t wanna worry them because I feel bad. I end up telling my best friend (they are literally Kageyama to me LOL). I also apologize a lot if I felt I did something wrong and I am quite odd to my friends. I end up getting into playful banter with my close friends where I tease them with playful jokes. I am quite observant too since I don’t usually talk to people, so I notice things from afar. I can tell if a friend of mine has a slight change in their behavior and I will ask if they are ok to be sure. I am also very honest, straightforward and pretty blunt about things. 

Do not get me upset. It takes a lot for someone to make me upset and actually angry. The most I would get is being annoyed. However, if you managed to get me angry, I lose my temper and yell and my friends have mentioned it’s as if I would snap someone in two. I do curse like crazy so people get surprised since I am usually quiet. Again it is rare, but I’ve been told it’s scary when I get angry. I will eventually be alone to recharge and wouldn’t want anybody to talk to me. 

When it comes to relationships, I don’t have that much experience…I hate PDA so I’m really private. I’m actually afraid to love somebody because I’m afraid I won’t be good at all so if somebody was crushing on me and shows affection, I try to divert that attention to something else because I get shy and get so scared. Again it’s hard to look at someone I like in the eyes because I blush so much. It’s hard to show affection by words so I show it by actions like hugs. I would love to hold their hands, caressing them or squeezing them just to feel the comfort and warmth. I think I might be very tender and gentle but I think as I open up, I might get cheery and energetic but that’s a theory. I do try my best to make them happy even if it takes me a while to get comfortable and I’ll try to shower them with love by physical actions. Maybe I’ll draw for them too to make them happy…

I love art. I love to draw for my friends because I love seeing them get so excited for the finished product. I also love listening to music every day so when I’m alone and away from everyone, I just blast music through my headphones. I love gaming too so you’d find me playing the Switch!

I am a perfectionist, hardworking and always try my best even if I get put down. Sometimes I might overwork when it comes to drawing but that’s because I get so eager to improve every day. I also love to give support to my friends for their dreams and but I am not an optimist or pessimist, I am a realist. 

IN BEDROOM: Pretty much the same when it comes down to relationships. I get extremely flustered and shy about physical affection and worry if I’m not good at all. I might be a bottom aagdhhshdhsjdjd I just don’t see myself having confidence in these kinds of experiences. I would love if somebody was gentle and passionate with me tho…Since I don’t rly interact with people in the public, I think I might be touch starved so any physical affection might drive me crazy (in the good way). As flustered as I get, I am pretty dirty-minded. 

ZODIAC: Aries

THINGS I LOOK FOR IN A PARTNER: quiet, calm, observant, passionate, playful, a tease, cold yet caring, strong, emotional, empathetic, kind, understanding, respectful, and not afraid to speak their mind

HOGWARTS HOUSE: Gryffindor!!

FAV FOOD: I loveeee food. I am always hungry for food. I love spicy food especially. I love pasta/spaghetti, pizza, sushi, and I love chicken burgers

FUTURE PLANS/DREAMS: I just hope to be successful and actually feel happy. I hope I’ll land a good position for art like for animation or games (especially if it’s anime-related!) I’m not sure if I’ll find someone to settle down with but only time will tell. 

MUSIC TASTE: Rock, J-Rock, Future Funk, Lofi, and I adore anime and video game OST LOOKS: I’m smol like 5'3. I have light skin but not pale (it’s like Hinata’s) and I have red/brown hair and brown eyes. I also have little freckles on my cheeks I’m so sorry if it’s so much but maybe it helps ; __ ; Thank u for doing these and make sure to take breaks!!

————————————————-

Hello and welcome, dear! This is wonderful - thank you for all the details, it gives me a lot to work with! ❤️ I’m so excited to get started with this. Let’s go to the living room! ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

For you, I’ve invited over…

Kita Shinsuke! (Runner up: Sugawara Koushi)

Our lovely Inarizaki captain may come off as cold and stoic, but he’s really just unbothered my trivial things. He strives for improvement daily, and ensures he goes through the motions before reaching perfection.

- When you two first meet, I don’t think there will be a lot of interaction there - but when there is, it’s definitely more comfortable than it is awkward. Kita has the effect on people that makes them feel safe and secure, like all the pressures of life just disappear for a moment

- This is how your friendship starts. He proves himself more and more approachable by the day. You’re both straightforward and observant people, so you two would probably tag-team when interacting with other people. He’ll make you feel secure in the friendship despite his no-nonsense bluntness, while he appreciates that you aren’t a flashy person

- The fact that you’re a hardworking perfectionist helps him relate to you on a deeper level. He’d be so happy to find someone who understands this part of him

- He will probably make himself more present in your life by doing little things - helping you clean up after class, sending you tips on how to study for a subject you’re having trouble with, offering an ear for you to rant if he notices something’s off

- He does everything slowly and with very close precision, all in the hopes of you becoming more comfortable around him

- the man is near perfect, what more can I say 

- OF COURSE he succeeds. He’s Kita Shinsuke

- Don’t worry, he won’t be thrown off by your more playful side once it comes out. Kita most likely already got hints of your sunshine here and there while he was slowly gaining your trust

- Once he feels like it’s the perfect time, only THEN will he ask you out

- Let out your inner gremlin!!!!! He can 100% handle it, since he’s so used to the chaos of his team by now and he has somehow remained?? completely SANE?? what a man

- AND the difference is, he LIKES YOU!!!1!!!!!!!1!!

- He will adore all your little quirks, and may even participate in your playful banter

- Does not mind that you’re not into PDA. Hell, he might even be relieved–

- He’d notice how you try to divert affection, and will try to talk to you about it. You won’t have to say much, he’ll be able to tell from your body language that it’s because you’re anxious to love somebody, and will never take that against you

- Will work on trying to break through those walls, but wouldn’t ever force it

- Prepare for a beautiful domestic future 🥺🥺🥺 a simple life on a farm in the Japanese countryside with the man of your dreams?? You, an artist, and him, a farmer???? The absolute PUREST domestic dream 😭😭😭

~

You were sat in your worktable, sketching away the morning. A deadline was fast approaching, so you could hardly allow yourself to rest - so the first thing you did today, as with most days, was work. 

The art block hit a few days back. Your nights have recently been filled with drooping eyes paired with a throbbing headache, and they were now slowly eating up your mornings, too. You massaged your neck, sore from hunching over your desk so much - all you could at the moment was stare at the now blank sheet in front of you. You weren’t satisfied with any of the pieces you made, so you always ended up scrapping whatever it is that you were doing.

You were snapped out of your daze at the sound of the cuckoo clock. You noticed that you were gripping the pen a little too hard, causing some redness on your fingertips. A frustrated groan escaped you as your hands rubbed circles into your temples. The morning felt so dull.

The time read 7AM. Two hours on the desk and not a single thing, you thought to yourself. Like clockwork, you heard the door open and close as Kita came back from field work. He stopped in his tracks upon seeing you.

“You’re awake?” His tone was more concerned than surprised. He had witnessed your restlessness these past few days, doing whatever he can to ease your frustration a a little bit. This wasn’t anything new to him, seeing as you were both workaholics, but he couldn’t help but worry about how this deadline was treating you.

You managed a weak smile as you met his eyes. He looked pretty in the morning light - sweat trickling down his neck, some of his hair clinging to his forehead, lips slightly parted to allow better breathing. It was rare for you to see him like this since he usually gets up and finishes work before you get up. The sight comforted you a bit, as if the bleakness dissipated for a little while.

He walked over to the coffee machine to run it. “Still no luck?”

“I’ve been at it since 5AM.” You let out an exasperated sigh. “I woke up when you went out to work. I couldn’t go back to sleep thinking about it.”

He hummed in acknowledgment. The two of you stayed quiet for a while, with only the sounds of the coffee machine and birds chirping. The peacefulness almost sunk in until you were reminded of the stress looming over your head. You let out another sigh.

You were staring down the blank sheet again, sick of the emptiness it posed. With a pen in hand, you tried to mimic the motions of drawing strokes, hoping for a sudden burst of inspiration. Nothing. 

Kita laid a cup of coffee next to you. “You barely slept, y/n. At least eat a bit.” That elicited no response from you - all you could do was lean back in your chair, feet put up onto the seat.

Your boyfriend placed his finger under your chin, making you look up at him standing next to you. “Y/n.” 

He examined your expression - you were so tired; redness peaked from the corners of your eyes, and your lips were almost pale. “You need food in your system, y/n.”

“I don’t have time to eat, Shin, this is–”

“Food is what the brain runs on. Even a child knows that,” he teased as he pulled you on your feet and led you to the kitchen table, “Eat.”

You had no choice but to oblige. You plucked a banana from its bunch, munching away while Shin scrambled some eggs. Before you knew it, a breakfast was spread out in front of you. The brown-eyed boy pressed a kiss at the top of your head as you praised him. “I don’t deserve you,” you said with a smile.

“It’s just breakfast,” he chuckled, “and you do deserve me. You deserve the world.”

The world suddenly felt full of color again, and you were ready to face the dreary white that’s been mocking you the whole week.

~

I hope that was alright with you, dear! Let’s head over to the bedroom ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

Look who’s here for some alone time!

Semi Eita! (Runner up: Kageyama Tobio)

One of the prettiest setters to date, Semi here has his moments of sincerity despite the scary attitude he puts up. He comes off as a domineering personality, but I feel like in the bedroom, he’d be incredibly tender.

- Don’t believe the mask he puts up. Semi bb is a big softie for his s/o!!!!! CHANGE MY MIND

- In the bedroom, you well-being would be TOP priority - he would constantly ask you if this or that is okay, and make sure your comfortable with whatever the two of you are doing

- Your first time would be SO intimate: if you planned it beforehand, he’d go as far as laying out candles, setting up a fragrance to fill the room, and maybe even laying out roses; if it isn’t planned, he’d hold you close the whole time, and won’t really get rough with how he handles you

- Has enough confidence to take the lead. He’s pretty self-assured, and this will really translate in the bedroom

- Knows where to touch you and is gentle about it, making sure to test things out first before going at it

- When he gets to know your more dirty side, that’s when he brings up stuff he’d like to try out. Try surprising him every now and then by telling him you want to try something new ( 　･ิω･ิ)

- Oh, his moans. SO GOOD. They’re soft, but so raw, and it would almost sound melodic. Would also chant your name a lot

- I can’t imagine him being loud in the bedroom, but he’d definitely be into dirty talk - I imagine it’s one of his top kinks - more praising than degrading

- He’s also into choking, unless you’re not comfortable with it, then for sure, he wouldn’t force it on you 

- MAKES THE PRETTIEST O FACES. WHAT I’D GIVE TO SEE IT

- Would lay on top of you (or under, whichever position you were in) for a while before aftercare. He wants some time to hold you while winding down

- Aftercare would be quick but careful - he wants to ensure that he’s got everything covered

- The epitome of Making Love, as opposed to simply “having sex”

~

Sorry for the long wait, darling! I hope you enjoyed all of that, and thank you so much for your patience. Feel free to pay me another visit, or just sit and chat with me anytime :D

Thanks for stopping by! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

[jcsslyns]

hi friends ! i’m red (she / her, 23) and i am so excited abt being in this group ! it’s been awhile since i’ve rped so pls be gentle with me and my baby jos — can’t wait to love up on all of you and your beautiful muses, feel free to like this and i’ll pop in ur ims for all the things c:

welcome aboard, josslyn matthews, student #2. we are excited to set sail with you !  has anyone told you that you look like florence pugh? according to our records, you hail from rochester, new york, prefer she/her/hers pronouns, are cis female and are here to study communications. we also see you received a spot on the ss university because of your online lottery win — we won’t tell anyone. during your first few weeks here, other students said you were + tenacious, + effervescent, but also - mercurial. it sounds like you spend most of your time at the student lounge. upon checking your luggage, we noticed you packed a blanket made from some of your mom’s t-shirts. hopefully your roommates don’t steal it!

GENERAL INFO.

name: josslyn drew matthews

nickname(s): jos, jossie

birthday: august 28

age: twenty-one

gender: cis female

pronouns: she/her

zodiac: virgo

sexuality: bisexual

hometown: rochester, ny

hogwarts house: slytherin

mbti: enfj

ABOUT.

trigger warnings, mentions of: infidelity, cancer, death

josslyn had a pretty comfortable upbringing. realtor mom, dad who had a professor job at the local college, golden retriever sprinting around the lawn of their house with the white picket fence, dinners around the table every night, that sort of comfortable. she was a bubbly, happy-go-lucky child, and life hadn’t given her any reasons to resent the sun coming up every morning. and then when she was thirteen, her father had an Affair which turned into a whole Scandal that followed her to school, and josslyn was not used to being the center of attention on terms other than her own. josslyn’s mother was absolutely mortified at the whole situation and filed for a divorce faster than she could have said ‘bye.’ josslyn ended up taking her mom’s side in things and her relationship with her father pretty much ceased to exist the day that the divorce was official. 

it didn’t take long for her to find a groove and make herself at home in rochester, the new settling point for her and her mom post divorce. she played softball all through high school (gr8 anger management option) and ended up getting a scholarship to play in college.

she started her college career in one place and very quickly had to switch gears after her mom’s diagnosis. she took a year off to be with her mom and help out during treatments and surgeries — she’d applied for seas one day during a treatment just for laughs, never expecting anything to come of it. ultimately, things took a downward turn and never got better. her mom passed away a month before getting word that she’d won the online lottery. josslyn decided she had nothing left to lose, no strings holding her in place, and set off to carve out the newest chapter of her life

josslyn is not afraid to go after what she wants, and there are times when she finds herself in a morally ambiguous area where she’s not afraid to step on someone if she has to in order to get to her point

methodical but also very much ruled by her emotions, is susceptible to really just flipping shit with very little warning if she feels strongly enough about it (and most things, she has v strong opinions on)

has trust issues, not always the most trustworthy person

bad at prioritizing. bit too much of a perfectionist or a bit too on the path of “trying to relax” 

is very aesthetically and organizationally driven?? like she’s the queen of bullet journaling and having everything tick all the boxes of a sought out vibe. her shit is in Order (or at least, it is on paper)

she’s the girl you call if you want someone to sit with you and get wine drunk while getting over whatever shit life has served up. she is not the girl you call if you want someone to tell you everything you want to hear — if she thinks hurting your feelings will help you in the long run (even if it’s out of the best of intentions) then get ur tissues ready

has a stick and poke tattoo (among other professional ones) on her ribcage that she gave herself when she was sixteen. it’s a tiny smiley face. will gladly give u one as well

middle name came from her dad’s middle name (andrew). lowkey hates this about herself

[flying-elliska]

Hi Ellie!! I hope u dont mind this ask ❤Do u have any advice on how to do stuff on your checklist and not get overwhelmed? I can hardly do one thing out of my to do list and then i get severely depressed for not being able to do anything. i dont think i can function like a human being sometimes. anyway youre so cool ellie!!! i admire you loads!!! - help asked from one adhd struggling teen

HI anon ! I’m sorry for not answering sooner i had a beautiful answer ready and then Tumblr just ate it T_T anyway i don’t mind at all i think it’s awesome that you’re asking me ! this is honestly still something I’ve struggled a lot with. here are a few things that helped me (keep in mind i’m not a professional and this is only my personal, limited point of view) :

- ofc the first thing is to get as much help as you can, there are lots of people out there who can help. Generally talk to people around you about your problems ; often they want to help and just don’t know how : i know the tendency to feel ashamed and keep it in but that’s not good. Some people might be a bit ignorant so maybe keep a few ressources on hand you can send to people to educate them if that’s an issue ; and educate yourself so you feel more secure and legitimate in your opinions. 

- one thing that’s helped me lots is to go on #ADHDtwitter and #Neurodiversesquad because a lot of people on there are actual adults who are sharing both their struggles but also tips on how to actually manage the symptoms and have full and happy, if messy, lives. It’s very inspiring. It helped me a lot to feel understood, less alone and gave me a ton of ideas. Some accounts to start with : @ danidonovan - @ blkgrllostkeys @ ADHD_Alien (her comics are so cute) @ dustyexner plus lots of others

- regarding having trouble doing things, this is definitely a Big Damn Problem for adhd folks. the concept of the emotional Wall of Awful really helped me with this, you can find more about it in this Youtube video by the awesome How To ADHD channel (all her videos are so helpful !! have a look!) basically the idea is that we accumulate emotions linked to certain tasks based on unhappy past emotions that make it a lot harder for us to do things and that building it down takes a lot of time and effort but there are ways to work with/around that. learning to process, connect to and be more mindful of our emotions is a huge task, but it’s often a central one. 

- don’t try too hard to be neurotypical aka ‘normal’. find the solutions that work for YOU. If they’re a bit weird ? Whatever. The point is that it works. You will probably end up having weird routines that make no sense to others but it doesn’t matter as long as it helps you. Be creative and don’t be afraid to think outside the box. I’ll give you an example :  one of the reasons i hate going to bed early is because late at night is when i feel the most free of outside obligations and therefore i don’t want to give that up. So instead what i’ve been trying to do from time to time is a ‘clown hour’ where i basically give myself permission to do whatever the fuck i want (within reason lmao) but in an active way ; basically indulge my rebellious inner 8 yr old. Last time I ended up watching martial arts videos on youtube and practicing kickboxing kicks on the Mulan soundtrack and then put on funeral music and improvised my own eulogy by thinking about what i would like people to say about me after my death. Lmao that sounds completely wack when explained to other people but the point is - stuff like that really helped me reconnect to the idea that my time is mine to do with as i please, not just late at night. Anyway my point is : make it fun, make it a game, try things, experiment. Our brains crave novelty and if they don’t have it and feel burdened by shame, pressure and expectations of course they get depressed and stuck. Give your brain the fuel it needs to work. 

- just accept that sometimes you’re going to be a mess. it’s okay. you can be a bit of a mess and also live a fully, happy, joyous life. our society puts so much pressure on us to have this Perfect Instagram Life where everything is polished to unrealistic standards and gives us the idea that your morals are linked to productivity and if you are not constantly striving to be a Model Consumer Pretty Picture you are a Bad Person and a slob/lazy/unworthy/etc and all of that is...toxic garbage of the highest order that everyone should unlearn but especially us. related to that i would be careful with use of social media, tailor it to only give you content that makes you feel good/intellectually engaged/creative because it’s so easy for us to go into bad comparative spirals.

- tied to that be careful of your own perfectionist drives. it’s veeeeery common for adhd people to want to overcompensate their perceived shortcomings by wanting to be perfect. aka you haven’t done anything in weeks and all of a sudden you have this insane to do list where you expect yourself to turn your entire life around in a week. well, not going to happen. i’ve found it so important to limit myself. for instance what i do now is i forbid myself to put more than 5 items on any todo list. once i’ve cleared items i can add more, but not before. it’s a lot less scary that way. also prioritizing is very important so you don’t get bogged down in details.

- try to be mindful of your own energy. a big tendency of adhd people is to overpromise and underdeliver because we are enthusiastic and we want to please people but we are bad at estimating time/energy it will need. learn more about your own boundaries, what things are hard for you to do (for me, it’s socializing in groups) and what gives you energy (for me it’s writing, reading and walking in the woods) and try to balance that. learn to say no, it’s tough but necessary. So that you have enough left for the tasks you need to do. 

- create an environment that is benevolent and helpful for you in which to work/do things and that generates positive emotions. Get yourself a cute notebook. Put on happy music. Don’t forget to feed yourself. Don’t give into the urge of punishing yourself. You deserve happy good things - not overindulgence as escape - but our brains thrive on short term rewards. Bundle the unpleasant tasks with more stimulating stuff (for instance i always listen to podcasts while cleaning/grocery shopping etc). Create pleasant little routines for yourself (for instance one of the first things i try to do in the morning is do a little drawing of my emotions, it makes me happy, then i have tea and i plan my day.). Put on alarms constantly so you don’t lose track of time, but with a cool song. Find yourself cheerleaders who can encourage you in a positive way. Stuff like the pomodoro technique, timing yourself while doing a task, etc, can really help. Or telling yourself you will do a thing for ten minutes and stop when it’s unbearable, etc. Prioritize joy, pride, affection, desire to help, altruism, love, curiosity, interest and passion as motivators, instead of anxiety, guilt and shame. 

- find ways to build self esteem and confidence in your own skills. it’s often a lack of that that can block you from doing what you need to because you might be afraid of screwing it up. what I did for a while, for instance, is to keep a record of the stuff i did everyday and then extrapolated the skills i displayed from that. another thing you can do is make a list of simple skills you want to learn and find ways to do that, like youtube tutorials, etc. especially when it’s practical stuff and quick to learn, it can really feel so good, and make you more familiar with a sensation of success (and if you fail it can be a fun experiment gone wrong, and self discovery, you don’t have to be good at everything.)

- find ways to challenge yourself. depression happens for adhd people when we let ourself stagnate, isolate ourselves because of shame, and get into this idea that we are subhuman and we don’t deserve good things. that is false. you deserve a happy life. and our brains crave novelty. find your passion and indulge in it, find the things that make your brain come alive (as long as they’re healthy ofc). if you’re not sure what that is, just keep trying. you will find it. but resist the temptation to make your life smaller and smaller. you might mess up but that’s okay. it’s human and it will make for interesting stories later. instead of trying too hard to ‘fix’ yourself, focus on developping your positive sides. it will give you energy, self-respect and draw you forwards like a rocketship. we thrive on passion, not reprimand. 

- anyways : i know how tough it can be. depression is really something i struggle with, too. and doing things remains Hard. but my point is, you are not alone, and you are not broken. chances are you too, like most adhd people i know, are a fun, creative, compassionate person with a heart of gold and so much to give. our main enemy is most often the shame that comes with living in a world that is not adapted to us. but the truth is we are just playing the game of life on a much harder setting than a lot of people, and we don’t even have the manual. of course it’s going to create struggle ! so i think the best thing to do for yourself is cultivate a sense of compassion towards yourself, self acceptance, and humor. 

- as a teen you probably have a limited margin of autonomy to make your lifestyle fit your needs but - there is so much potential for it to get better ! as you grow in self knowledge and ability to make your own choices, you will find the right solutions and your life will get so much better. i have heard so many stories like this. since i got diagnosed, too, my life got a lot better. i won’t lie, it’s a lifelong process. but there is so much possible. give yourself time. you are so young, and you are definitely a human being. being human is struggling with being flawed and vulnerable and imperfect. i know the world can be shit sometimes, you probably got some negative messages - especially from your own brain bc depression definitely lies to you ! but don’t let yourself be guided by ignorance and fear. you deserve better. i bet you’re also super cool. the happier you are, the better off the world will be. so invest in yourself. educate yourself, develop your self knowledge, be kind to yourself, and keep making little steps. you’ll get there. <3

[queenborhapreaderships]

rekindling the flame - chapter 1

Hey everybody! So this is that rami x reader (with a dash of freddie feels) I was talking about earlier! It’s not done, so I guess this is chapter 1? I’ve never cut a fic into chapters before because I’m a stubborn perfectionist but like. Eh. Ya know? Thanks to everyone who told me to go ahead and post this! Also, if anybody would be interested in a tag list, hit me up. I’ve never done one before but I think I can grasp the concept, haha! Anyways, here we go! (pls let me know if you like it, fr)

-description-

You're the daughter of Jim Hutton, so growing up was a roller coaster. With Freddie as practically a second father, things were never boring. But time passed and things changed. Everything changed. Not knowing how to process any of your past, you flee to the states in an attempt to write music and find yourself. It pretty much turns into instant isolation! That all changes when you get a call from your Uncle Bri about a movie being made on Freddie. Secrets come to light and you just might find yourself falling in love with the boy with the beautiful eyes along the way.

-word count- 2,987

ao3 link

You’re alone when you get the call. You’re alone a lot these days, but you work best without the distraction of friends pulling you out to party and get drunk every other night. Besides, you really want to focus on this latest song you’ve been writing. You just can’t seem to get the bridge right, the chord progression is off in the tiniest way and for the life of you, you can’t figure out why. Suffice to say it’s been driving you absolutely mad.

Your eyes light up when you strum the new experimental chord you’ve thrown in, but you’re interrupted by the harsh ringtone of your cell.

“Goddammit” you mumble to yourself and sigh as you put your guitar down on top of its case. You look over and feel yourself involuntarily smiling at the contact name. It’s Uncle Bri, you wonder what he’s up to these days. It’s been a while since you’ve heard from him. Too long, actually. That’s hardly his fault, you’re aware of the fact that you’re isolating yourself but you really can’t really garner up the energy to care, as bad as it sounds. You pull yourself out of your thoughts and reach over to answer the phone.

“Hey, Uncle Bri!”

“(y/n)! I’m glad I got a hold of you! How are you doing, my dear? We miss you!”

“Aww, I miss you guys too! I can’t complain! I’ve been working on my music a lot, so that’s been taking up the majority of my life at the moment” you sigh, suddenly wishing you’d have managed your time better. You really do miss your goofy Uncles.

“Ahhh, just like good ol’ Freddie, I see” you can hear the smile toying with his voice.

“I wouldn’t go as far as to say that”

“Well, I would,” he says triumphantly. “Anyways, do you have any serious, unmovable plans for the next, oh, say 8 or so months?” you can hear the grin in his voice.

“Um, not that I know of...” you say, although it comes out more as of a question

“Perfect! Then I’ll be flying you over here to the UK pronto. You’ve got work to do” he says and hangs up in a haste.

You pull the phone down and stare at it. That was. Odd.

It’s not until later you realize that this is all for that movie that you’ve been hearing rumors about for months. You weren’t sure if it was actually happening or not, you feel like you definitely should have considering who you are, but Uncle Bri certainly wouldn’t be uprooting your life for anything unimportant. You’ve settled into a nice routine over in the states. For a movie this important though, this central to who you are, you’d be upset if you weren’t involved.

~~~~

If you were being completely honest with yourself, you don’t remember as much about your father’s partner as you wish you did. Let’s be real though, he was practically your second dad, he raised you until you were almost seven. You have faint memories of calling him papa. Your dad didn’t love it at first, he was probably worried about what Freddie thought. He, of course, absolutely adored it and as well as he adored you. So, papa, he was.

The memories you do have, you wouldn’t trade for the world. For the entire world. Some of your favorites were Freddie making you breakfast and cuddling on the couch. He would always read to you before bed and find your favorite stuffed bear before tucking you in and pecking your forehead. Sometimes, your favorite nights, he would sing you to sleep. You were probably too old for lullabies, but Freddie never failed to deliver, not even towards the end. His favorite song to sing you was I Was Born to Love You. He sang it slow and soft, making sure you took every word to heart. Sometimes you dream about it, wishing for just one more day together with the two of them.

You don’t have much to do on the hellish flight ahead of you, so you pull up the folder you keep on your phone of pictures of your dad and Freddie. They looked just as happy as they were. You smile as you scroll through them, pictures the world hasn’t seen. Pictures of the two with their cats, pictures of all three of you together.

You feel your eyes mist up when you get to one of your favorites. At first glance, it appears to be the most mundane thing in the world, but to you it’s everything. Freddie’s balancing you on his hip and he’s got his other arm wrapped around your father, kissing his cheek.

“Oh, fuck” you mutter under your breath, tearing yourself away from the grainy image. You’re finally realizing just how difficult consulting on this movie is actually going to be. You miss your dad and you miss Freddie more than words can say.

You never really dealt with your fathers' death nearly a decade ago. Freddie’s death probably messed you up in more ways that you’re even able to conceptualize because you were so young at the time. He was just a part of you. A part of your history. A part of who you were and who you are.

You’ve got a lot of shit to work through, and god, you hope you’ll be able to hold it together for just a while longer. This movie is important to the two most important people to you. You’re certainly not going to ruin your chance at making it the best it can be because you can’t look at the main character of the film without losing it.

You swallow the lump in your throat and reach down to rummage through your bag for your headphones. You close the photos app and pull up Spotify instead. Zoning out and distracting yourself with music is always how you’ve dealt with the brunt of your emotional issues since practically the beginning of time. The second the first note rings out, you feel a weight lift off of your shoulders and you sigh in relief as you settle in for a long ride.

~~~

You’re pretty damn sure that finally getting off the stuffy plane and stretching your legs is the best feeling in the world. You’re instantly proven wrong though when you spot your uncles waiting for you. They’ve got a dorky sign with “(y/n) Hutton” scrawled across it with a few shaky hearts at the bottom. You can’t help but chuckle, your heart swelling at the gesture.

You quicken your pace and when they notice you barreling towards them, your clunky bags in tow, their faces light up. Their sign and your suitcases are instantly ditched in place of Uncle Rog opening his arms up for you to crash into. Of course, you do, without a second thought and you hold on tight. It feels like if you don’t, he’ll disappear right out from under you.

“Oh, love, how are you? How are you, really?” Uncle Rog says, pulling you away from him to study your face. You sheepishly avoid eye contact, aware that these two know you better than most.

“You know, we do worry about you. More than you think.” Uncle Bri chimes in, responding to your silence. He then reaches over and takes his turn to pull you into a hug. You close your eyes and bury your head in his shoulder. You barely muster the strength needed to keep your voice from shaking.

“I know. I just missed you guys, is all” you break away and get your bearings together. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice the two sharing a skeptical glance, but luckily they drop it for now.

~~~

To say the studio was huge would be an understatement. You’d never dealt with anything this major in your entire life, sure you’d been going to your Uncle’s concerts since you were little. That was different though, that was second nature. Music has always been second nature. This? This is a different world, man. There are more… rules. You’ve never been one for rules.

So far, you’ve been introduced to a lot of the key players in the movie, big execs and such. They’ve all been very graceful and polite if not slightly intimidated by you, which you find hilarious. You still haven’t met any of the actors yet, but you’d been given their names and have already done extensive googling. They all seem like the perfect people for the parts.

You’d actually seen a bit of Rami, Freddie’s actor’s, work in the past. The Night at the Museum trilogy is a goddamn classic and your friends have forced you to watch a couple of episodes of Mr. Robot. So you’re definitely excited, if not a little nervous, to meet the boys.

It’s almost like the universe can read your mind because when you and your uncles turn the corner, there they are. You can tell they’ve met before because Rami, and if you remember correctly, Joe are waving and they all walk over.

“(y/n), you haven’t met the boys yet, have you?” Uncle Bri asks, and before you have the time to answer, he’s introducing you to them respectively. You do your best to remember who is who, it shouldn’t be too hard but this would not be a great situation to slip up. There’s Ben, Joe, Gwilym, and finally, you reach Rami.

His eyes are even more striking in person. You think he’s saying something but you can’t hear a word of it. A poke on your shoulder pulls you out of your trance and you realize you’ve been staring at him for a longer amount of time than would be considered socially acceptable. You glance over at Uncle Bri, a thanks for snapping you out of whatever that was.

“Oh gosh, I’m sorry! Zoned out there for a second, it was a long flight” you grin and do your best to sound casual but you’re definitely rattled from your mistake. You almost let out a sigh of relief when you see Rami’s warm smile.

“Don’t worry about it, I totally understand. You flew in from the states, right? That ten-hour flight can be brutal” you nod and he continues. “Anyways, I was just saying how much of an honor it is to be playing Freddie and if there’s anything you ever need or want to talk in regards of the script or characterization, I’m always here. You probably have more influence than me when it comes to that actually, but the offer is always on the table! The same goes for all of us.” He gestures at his castmates and they all nod accordingly. He sounds incredibly sincere and it’s impossible not to grin.

“I really appreciate that, guys. I’m here if any of you need anything too! If you need help going over your lines or if you have any questions about my uncles, dad or my experience with Freddie as a father figure, I’d be more than happy to let you in on everything I know” You’re not, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but why else are you here?

You hear a chorus of thank you’s and wave at them as they rush off to hair and makeup, already late. You look down and try to swallow a smile, you’d be lying to yourself if you tried to pretend it wasn’t endearing. The three of you continue down your path and you feel Uncle Rog bump into you.

“You okay, (y/n)?” he says, trying poorly to hide his shit-eating grin. Oh god, what does he think he knows now?

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired…” you taper off when you notice the look the two give each other.

“Okaaay, whatever you say,” he says in a sing-songy voice. You groan and roll your eyes.

“Well I don’t know about you two, but I’m gonna go explore the set,” you say, trying to get a minute to yourself. It’s just all been a little overwhelming and the last thing you need is your uncles scheming over whatever it is they’re scheming over because if there’s anything you know, it’s that look.

“Have fun, love. We’ll be here if you need us” Uncle Bri reminds you for the thousandth time. You thank him and wander off on your own.

~~~

As the days go by, you fall into a routine. They don’t need you there at a specific time so you definitely consider yourself lucky in that regard. All of the actors have to be at hair and makeup typically at around 6. You shuffle in at a comfortable 10, say hi to anyone who isn’t currently working on a scene, and hide away in one of the back rooms with the writers.

The script has already been put out of course, but they still meet every day to talk about potential revisions or go over their work with the rest of the cast and crew. While definitely on different sides of the globe from each other, what they do isn’t very far from what you do. At least it’s on the same planet. Which would be a first in this new world of Hollywood. So you’d say things are going pretty smoothly. You haven’t yet had to dig deep and reveal anything about yourself or your history that you didn’t want to.

Of course, though, the universe can’t let you stay comfortable for very long. It needs to have its fun in throwing you for a loop just once you think you’ve got things figured out. This loop comes in the form of none other than Rami Malek. At first, that is.

It starts like any other day. You come into the studio in your baggy hoodie, with your messy hair strewn everywhere, and your headphones in with the volume up as loud as it will go. You yawn and scrub at your eyes. You were up pretty late working on that same damn song, it’s just been eating away at you. The day you figure out how that bridge works will be a goddamn national holiday in your book. You groan and continue down the winding hallways.

When Rami comes up behind you and taps your shoulder, you jump out of your skin and your soul just about leaves your body. You rip your headphones out and turn around to see him giggling like a toddler and you gasp, grasping your chest dramatically.

Your heart flutters at the carefree expression on his face and you swallow down and try to ignore the emotions so obviously bubbling up to the surface. You can’t help but stare though, it’s not your fault that he’s absolutely breathtaking. You’re confident that his jawline could cut steel. This time, your admiration slides and he doesn’t notice because he’s still pulling himself together after the little incident.

He’s wearing Freddie’s angry lizard jacket and he’s got the fake teeth in. He’s the spitting image of Freddie and it honestly would have been a little jarring if it weren’t for him being so warm and open, squashing any possible nerves you may have before they even have the time to fully form.

“Sorry!” he chokes out, swallowing the last of his giggles. “I really didn’t mean to scare you, I thought you heard me walking up, but I guess not,” he says and gestures at your headphones dangling down and twirling together.

“Jesus Christ, Rami. You do know that you almost killed me, right? I literally almost died right here!” you say, still playing it up a little bit. You can’t keep a straight face for long though and break eye contact to laugh under your breath. “Anyways, what’s up? I haven’t seen you in a while! You look great, I must say” you point out, referencing the outfit.

“I always look great, darling,” he says, putting on Freddie’s accent. You raise your arms in surrender and he shoots you a grin. Suddenly he’s Rami again, just like that. “So I’ve got that one big scene tomorrow and I feel like something is off with my performance and I just can’t put my finger on it. I was wondering if you were free later tonight after we’re done shooting to go over the script with me?” you’re not sure if he’s doing it on purpose, but he’s giving you the biggest puppy dog eyes you’ve ever seen.

“Oh, I know that feeling,” you say, thinking back to your stupid song. Maybe you can play it for him and get his input? You quickly brush off the thought, this is about him, not you. “And of course! I’d love to!” You can’t even pretend you aren’t honored and a little excited to see him later. Even though you’ve fallen in love with your little routine, you have a real soft spot for this boy.

“Perfect! I can’t wait to see you then” he waves as he walks off. You wave back and once he’s turned the corner, you can’t contain your giddiness. Before you know it, you’re hopping and -hopefully- internally squealing like a schoolgirl. He’s just so cute, okay? It’s not fair. It shouldn’t be legal.

~~~

You spend the rest of your day curled up in the bean bag chair in the corner of the writers' room going over a thousand different scenarios in your head, both eagerly and anxiously awaiting the end of filming. You’ve really been thrown for a loop here, going from total isolation to the midst of practically a high school crush. You’re not even entirely sure why, there’s just something about him. You’re not quite sure whether you like it or not, but there’s one thing you do know. Denying it won’t get you anywhere, you’ve been down that road before.

[noonetosmilefor]

Flower asks.

Thank you once more, @uneven-odds. <3

Alisons: Sexuality? - Straight.

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender? - Her.

Amaryllis: Birthday? - 11th of July.

Anemone: Favorite flower? - Tulip.

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show? - Stranger Things.

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger? - As far as saving their life without risking mine.

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes? - “Nothing in the world can trouble you as much as your own thoughts.”

Aubrieta: Favorite drink? - Tea.

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? - No.

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love? - Yes.

Baneberries: Favorite song? - Currently Lost by Dermot Kennedy. (Or literally the whole album.)

Basket of Gold: Describe your family. - Close, open-minded, strong, supporting. (I love them!)

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it? - Yes. Her name is Iris and we’ve know each other for 9 years already and I love her so so much! 

Begonia: Favorite color? - Blue.

Bellflower: Favorite animal? - Horses.

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person? - Night person.

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be? - Eagle.

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? - Veterinarian. 

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children? - I’m not a big fan of children but if a child smiles at me, you sure as hell can bet that I’d smile right back at them.

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why? - Losing loved ones, well it’s self-explaining.

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood. - It really was a safe and carefree childhood and I had everything and everyone I needed.

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth? - Hiking to my favorite place and reading my favorite book.

Buttercup: Relationship Status? - Single.

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go? - New Zealand.

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved? - Whenever I’m with people who love and accept me the way I am.

Canna: Do you have any tattoos? - Nope.

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings? - No.  

California Poppy: Height? - 5′9″.

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts? - Yes.

Carnation: What are you currently wearing? - Just a t-shirt.

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight? - Yes, as a child.

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged? - My sister.

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed? - Someone I don’t want to kiss again.

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font? - Don’t really have one.

Columbine: Are you tired? - Kinda.

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to? - Winter.

Coneflower: Dream job? - My job right now.

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert? - Inbetweenie.

Crocus: Have you ever been in love? - Yes.

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about? - Far FAR and beyond.

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it? - Yes, a white tiger.

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign? - Cancer.

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering? - I don’t think so..

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment? - Being myself and self-confident.

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)? - Well I never thought about that haha.

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to? - To someone I don’t want to be reminded about.

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at? - Listening.

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at? - Opening up.

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month? - I found out what I want, I had some time for myself and I’ve been with one of my best friends for a few days.

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today? - Okay, I’d say.

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life? - Kind of, not fully.

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two? - Traveling more.

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life? - My friends, my family, my pets, music, books, especially Sebastian Fitzek’s books haha, health, traveling, cinematography and my home.

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed? - Watching HIMYM.

Hellebore: How do you show affection? - By listening to people.

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of? - My family.

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day. - Waking up late, getting some breakfast, drinking tea and reading a good book, probably napping haha, some more reading, going for a walk and back to bed again.

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time? - Sleeping, going to the movies, reading and traveling.

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them? - 9 years. I’ve met her in school.

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything? - @uneven-odds. <3

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have? - If I do count really close and good friends, around 10.

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? - That I’m the kindest and funniest person they’ve ever met. It shocked me tbh.

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself? - I’m too stubborn and that I can’t really show my emotions.

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself? - My patience. 

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? - The fact that I’m too much of a perfectionist sometimes.

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child? - Race against my dad.

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid? - A girl called Tamara.

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for? - Not being there for one of my friends when he needed me..

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about? - Loving the person I loved.

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name? - So I googled it and it means “the anointed one”. My mum and dad named me after my mum’s brother, his name is Christian. My mum loves him so much, that I got this name, well the feminine form.

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it. - In a suburbia. It’s very small but I love it here. I do love Vienna and it’s not that far away. But here in this small town is where I feel most comfortable.

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up? - Big, full of wood furniture and toys and a few posters of the Backstreet Boys.

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years? - I did not really enjoy my teenage years at first. But I’ve always been grumpy about everything. That has changed through the years and I had happier teenage years later on.

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom. - I love her and she is one of the toughest women I know. I’m sad that she feels left out that often and that I can’t really give and show her the credit she deserves. Because she deserves the world, really.

Onions: Tell about your dad. - My dad is the best dad. Even after he and my mom got divorced he’s always been there for us. And he did everything he could for us to be happy. I’m very thankful for that.

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents. - When I think about them I almost every time start crying. They’re in their 70s now and I’m constantly worried that I’d loose them. They’re 2 of the greatest people in the whole world - they deserve the whole world. And if I ever feel annoyed by them I do cry a few hours later. I love them so much. Sometimes I wish I could die before they do so I don’t have to feel the pain of losing them..

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable? - My most memorable birthday was on my 11th birthday with my best friends and cousins. It’s been so carefree and full of laughter.

Peony: What was your first job? - My first job was the job I’m doing right now.

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any? - I don’t have a special plan on how I want to meet my future partner. If it happens, it happens.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain? - I don’t. It sounds hard but I just ignore it until it get’s too much and then it literally bursts out and I can’t stop crying for literally 5 hours or so.

Pink: Where is home? - Wherever the people I love are.

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change? - I’d stop the cancer that killed my half-sisters mother.. she’s been like a second mom to me.

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them. - My dad. He literally had no one who supported him when he was younger but he somehow managed to build his life and stand on his own two feet. He managed to give the love he never received from anyone before, to my sisters and me and I really admire him for that.

Primrose: Describe your ideal life. - Carefree and happy.

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child? - Elves.

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life? - My sisters.

Rose: What’s your favorite sound? - The sound of people’s genuine laughter.

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory? - One night in Berlin with @uneven-odds. (That sounds so wrong, but you know which one I mean haha. <3)

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory? - My “second” mom dying.

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want? - Inner peace.

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things? - It’s very difficult for me because I rarely open up, not even to my closest friends.

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without? - My family.

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night? - Around 7 hours.

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning? - Work.

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job? - I love it.

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing? - My yellow trench coat.

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic. - My aesthetics are always plants and books.

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you? - Books.

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now? - My future.

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called? - None because I’ve been too busy to read.

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year? - At the same place but a little happier.

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is? - If it’s from the Latin word “vorare”, it means “to swallow” as far as I can remember but idk really haha.

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself. - I love doing my nails. Ok, that was really random haha.

[fleurvaessen-blog]

Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2019

It is a vulnerable and hard subject. Over the years I have experienced that most people try to avoid it, at least when they are talking to me. It is an elusive subject, a very very complex disorder that is so incredibly hard to understand. Even I, with a degree in psychology and first-hand experience, don’t understand most of the time why the hell I did what I did, and kept doing it with full knowledge of the consequences. People tend to think: well you didn’t like your body so you stopped eating. But that is just scratching the surface. In order to see the early signs of an eating disorder and act correctly there needs to be more awareness of what is going on when an eating disorder enters your life.

Most people suffering from an eating disorder have a few things in common: a sensitive and emotional personality, lack of self-worth, perfectionistic tendencies and a craving or need for approval and love. This can lead to feeling overwhelmed and insecure when faced with negative events, whether it is something traumatizing or just one simple obnoxious comment. For me this continuing insecurity turned into a deep self-hatred. I had this constant feeling that there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t supposed to be alive. I felt as if I was that one rotten apple, in a supermarket full of enjoyable ones. I was that one disgusting, moldy apple, that slipped through all the quality checks and managed to end up in life. But who would ever want a rotten apple? It doesn’t belong in life, it belongs in trash. I have felt that way about myself for years, and I still wonder why I haven’t developed an eating disorder at a younger age.

When I started losing some weight, I felt like I had found the answer. Finally something that I was good at. The rotten apple had found her purpose in life. After all, if I had the discipline to not eat and had this much control over my food intake and weight, people would look up to me and see a shiny, juicy green apple instead of the rotten apple I always thought I was (I am sure my mum will hate the comparison of an apple, all those evenings on the sofa where she had a bag of crisps next to her and I was eating my carefully sliced and weighed apple – with cinnamon, of course – and I know it still brings back those feelings of helplessness when she sees me eating an apple now).

Unfortunately, my self-hatred didn’t disappear along with all the kilos. It was secretly growing as I started to connect my self-worth to food. I have spent hours contemplating which porridge, yogurt or bread I should buy (because: I fancy the chocolate one, but it contains five calories more so what do I do?!) to eventually walk home empty handed. This was not because I was scared of the food itself, what it would do to my body or my weight. It appears as if it is, even in my own mind, but that is no more than a facade. I was scared for how my thoughts would turn into this crazy maze, where every road seemed to lead me to chaos, the loss of control and the worst: the idea that you have allowed yourself something, anything. After all, you are still that rotten apple that deserves the slow torture of starving yourself. The only way out of that maze is by compensating your next meal, or exercising, or being sick. And so you do.

‘I was an anorectic because I was afraid of being human.’ I once read this in one of the many books about eating disorders I have dived into. This one sentence might hold the root cause of this destructive mental illness. Fear of not being good enough, fear of getting hurt again, fear of the unknown future, fear of being left alone or left out, fear of not being able to achieve what is expected from you. With your focus on food, weight, body and calories there will be no room for being human. You live your life on hold. In some cases you physically won’t even look human anymore. You’re body and face might look like a ghost, a skeleton, as if you are dead already. Or maybe you will literally build a wall around yourself.

For me, I told myself that if I was a rotten apple and there was nothing I could do to change that, I might as well be the smallest apple possible. The smaller I am, the less room I take up and the less I bother other people, simply because there is less of me. Recovering from anorexia, starting to eat more food and gain weight, was the hardest thing I have ever done. Not because there was something wrong with my teeth, my stomach or my jaws. It was (and is) hard because it meant I had to allow myself to take up space. To be human. To live a life. To face all my fears. To feel all my feelings, both good and bad. While everything inside me was still telling me about the rotten apple and how I was not worthy of life. Imagine that voice getting louder with every bite, every meal, every gram that shows on the scale.

This is why an eating disorder doesn’t end when your weight is back at a healthy level and this is why you can’t tell us ‘to just eat’. It doesn’t have anything to do with the food you consume. It doesn’t have anything to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you feel about yourself, and the things that made you feel that way.

Nowadays, I have gained a lot: some weight, a college degree and a job, friendships and a life. But there is one thing I still haven’t gained: a sufficient amount of self-confidence. And so the eating disorder hasn’t been defeated yet. Yet.

P.S. I could fill pages and pages with my thoughts and feelings about eating disorders, their causes, treatment, the aftermath etc. Today I have only written about my personal experience and within the context of raising awareness I feel it is important to add a few things. An eating disorder does not equal anorexia and it definitely does not equal the extremely skinny girls you see in documentaries and read about in magazines. Yes, those are eating disorders and yes, it surely is heart breaking but please do realise: out of all people suffering from an eating disorder, the smallest percentage suffers from anorexia. Don’t forget about bulimia, binge eating disorder and all the atypical eating disorders.

Next time somebody trusts you enough to tell you about their eating disorder, don’t tell them: but you don’t even look that skinny? Instead, tell them: I know it is hard for you to believe, but you are worthy of everything that you want in your life.

[thedefinitionofbts]

If You Knew

Pairings: Min Yoongi x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Romance, Doctor Au

Words: 7K

Description: Requested by anon

Dr. Min Yoongi is the most skilled neurosurgeon in the country. He has successfully faced a number of challenges in his career and is under the assumption that he can professionally handle anything at this point, that is, until he was put in charge of treating the girl he has harbored a secret crush on since college.  

Or, in which you lose your eyesight in a car accident and fall in love with the neurosurgeon treating your condition.

A/N: Thank you to the lovely anon who sent in a request for a doctor au!

Min Yoongi has treated a lot of people in his life.

As a world-renowned neurosurgeon, he wasn’t the least bit surprised when he got a request to treat a victim of a brutal car crash. He’s always the first doctor to be recommended because of his reputation, and nine times out of ten, he is, without a doubt, the best person for the job. But the moment he saw your name on the patient form that was handed to him as he walked down the squeaky clean hallway of the hospital, he knew this was going to be that one out of ten time that he was fucked.

Rewind back to when his best friend and closest colleague, Kim Namjoon, had told him that the hardest part about being a doctor isn’t actually acquiring an extensive amount of knowledge on the practice of medicine, performing long surgeries, or dealing with being overloaded with work on the daily. For geniuses like them, it was never about not being smart enough or skilled enough. Instead, Namjoon had brought to Yoongi’s attention long ago that the most difficult part of being a doctor was dealing with being the courier of bad news.  

Of course, being forced to play that role doesn’t happen often. It shouldn’t because doctors are supposed to save people, to heal them. But they aren’t divine entities. They can’t fix everything, and with the existence of things they are powerless to do anything about comes the need to perform error handling, to figure out how to let people down without allowing those feelings of guilt and remorse consume you.

And so, being the overachieving perfectionist that he is, Yoongi took the liberty of conditioning himself in a way that he would never have to run into that issue. He figured if he detached himself from his patients to the point where his relationship with them lied solely on a professional level, he would never have to meddle with emotional attachments.

Up until now, his solution of desensitization has been working smoothly. He’s faced the task of notifying family members of the death of their loved ones and informed people they are in the later stages of cancer or some untreatable disease. He’s told mothers that their babies were born impaired and will die before the age of 5, and athletes that they may never walk again. He’s seen the worst of it and has come out more or less unfazed.

He thinks he has it down to an art form, one that he has spent the majority of his career crafting to the utmost perfection, which comes back to the one thing he had never thought in a million years he would have to do, and that was to be in charge of treating you.

 …

 To say that Yoongi was inept at comforting people would be an understatement. Don’t get him wrong, he comes off kind and considerate to everyone around him, and he’s highly, highly respected by everyone in his field of work. He has good relationships with his patients (professionally), and he always delivers treatment to the best of his ability.

But it’s safe to say; he’s never offered anything deeper than surface level care. Surface level care as in, treat physical condition and get out before getting too deep into consolatory territory. He’s not a therapist. He shouldn’t be expected to treat psychological ailments or provide a shoulder to cry on.

Of course, that’s under the assumption that he’s treating a stranger or at most an acquaintance.

And that’s where you come in.

You, as in, the girl he fell head over heals for the first time he saw you reading under a willow tree on a warm spring day. The same girl he never had the guts to approach properly because you were always surrounded by hotter guys, and Yoongi being the classic nerd who had his head buried in textbooks 24/7, was nowhere near your league.  

“Dr. Min, she’s in room 227” The nurse next to him reminds as she watches Yoongi almost open the door to the wrong room. 

He looks up at the room number of the door his hand is already gripping around the knob of:

226

“Aish” He curses under his breath. He needs to stop drowning in his thoughts before he makes a fool of himself. He quickly glances back at the group of residents and assistants, making sure they don’t suspect he’s unfocused due to fatigue, which he’s proud to say he has never been, before continuing to the next room over. 

There’s no background noise in the room. Other than the familiar beep of the heart monitor, it was almost disturbingly quite. Yoongi’s gaze lands on your sleeping form, head and arms wrapped in gauze after going through emergency treatment right after the accident and breathing through tubes for the time being.

“She was transferred here this morning.” The nurse informs, cutting through his mental observations. “Her left arm and ribcage have sustained minor fractures. Her spinal cord was not severely damaged, but we are still uncertain about how much the cranial trauma has effected her eyes.”

“Her eyes?” Yoongi echoes, partially unsure of why his own voice sounds so distant and hollow.

“It is inconclusive whether her vision loss is dude to nerve damage or just corneal lacerations. We will need to run more tests when she wakes up.”

 ….

 Past

 Yoongi was in his second year of undergrad when he first came to the realization that he hadn’t experienced as many youth related “joys” as his fellow peers. He had never dated a girl, never felt the recklessness of partying until dawn, wasn’t a club goer or drinker, and steered clear from recreational drugs all together. He always used the “too busy focusing on my future” excuse for virtually everything that came crashing his way.

It was a classic case of being determined to succeed, and he was pretty sure his future self would be proud of his strong will at such a ripe young age.

Everyone around him knew that he wasn’t the type to get distracted easily; in fact, it was a labor-intensive struggle just to get Yoongi to do anything non-school related. His attention was rarely, if ever, drawn away from his goal-oriented mindset, but you somehow managed to make him do a double take the moment he looked out the window of the library he had been rooted in all afternoon.

“Whatcha looking at?” Namjoon’s voice from across the table snaps him out of his momentary trance.

“H-huh?” Yoongi turns back towards Namjoon, still unaware of the chemical change that had occurred in his brain due to a certain heart-fluttering stimulus. “Oh uh, nothing, just…enjoying how green the grass is.” He fabricates; eyes quickly shooting down to his textbook in hopes that the other male will treat this occurrence as nothing out of the ordinary.

But of course, he doesn’t.

“Enjoying how green the grass is?” Namjoon cocks a brow obviously unconvinced, pupils shifting towards the direction Yoongi had been staring at for a good two minutes- that likely would have turned to five or even longer had he not interrupted.  

And there you are, sitting peacefully under a willow tree with your flowing hair partly fluttering in zephyr, partly tucked behind one ear, and eyes fixated on a book resting gently in your lap.

It was almost too cliché, but Namjoon wasn’t about to judge.

His lips curve upwards, sighing fondly as he turns to face Yoongi, who is now not so subtly trying to avoid direct eye contact with the all-knowing male.

“Are you going to go out there and talk to her?” Namjoon inquires without a single hint of hesitation.

“What are you even talking about?” Yoongi retorts, trying to sound like Namjoon was being completely absurd and didn’t just witness the signs of love at first sight displayed on Yoongi’s habitually apathetic face.

Namjoon exhales and shakes his head. “If you’re going to deny your infatuation, you should’ve tried to be less obvious.”

“Again, I have no idea-”

“Oh come on, Yoongi. Are you really going to play this game with me?”

Yoongi tsks in mild annoyance, expression turning sour. “I don’t have time for this. Let’s get back to studying.”

Yoongi is definitely a stubborn one. He was like that with his goals and dreams, his resolve to succeed in the medical field, and personal desires, as he soon came to learn. Perhaps that is also why he never moved on from you.

 …

 Even after that little incident at the library with Namjoon, where he pretended like he had been unaffected by the first stages of a growing crush, the thought of you had constantly been on his mind. It was like that image of your elegant form had been imprinted in his memory, and it wasn’t going away. Although he would never admit it verbally, he would catch himself thinking about you at the most random times, while he was eating, walking between classes, listening to music, and even during exams! It was a nightmare, and further to his dismay, such thoughts had been increasing in frequency to the point where he couldn’t stop himself from hoping he could see you again, even if it’s just a distant glimpse. Which is precisely why he found himself frequenting that same spot in the library more often than not.

It’s a bit creepy to say he went there to observe you from afar, but when it all boils down to the crux, that is all he had the courage to do. And it’s not like he was just staring at you the whole time, thankfully he’s not that creepy. It was more like the intermittent glance outside when his eyes got tired of the same old human anatomy flashcards scattered in front of him or the occasional tilt of his head when he caught you lifting an arm to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. He would sometimes imagine what it would be like to invite you to study with him, to sum up the guts to actually talk to you because it was definitely a more natural way to handle the state he was in.  

Surprisingly it wasn’t that hard. And by “that hard”, he means that one day it unexpectedly started pouring rain, and somehow turned into the first time you met him, or in other words, “found out about his existence”. Yoongi himself was actually immersed in his own reading when it happened. He was occupying the exact same seat in the corner when he heard light tapping on the window, only to recognize they were pellets of water hitting the glass.

He jolts up at the realization, and his eyes immediately shoot to the spot you were sitting outside, gathering your belongings in your backpack in preparation to escape the downpour. He doesn’t even take the time to think about what he’s doing, diving into action without a game plan as he hastily grabs his umbrella and sprints out the door. Yoongi doesn’t think he’s ever ran faster in his life, heck, he didn’t even know his scrawny legs could carry him so swiftly. But he makes it to the tree in time, just as you were zipping up the last compartment of your bag.

“Here” He says briskly, handing you the umbrella gripped between his hands before considering how bizarre the situation was from your perspective, to see a stranger handing you an umbrella while he was getting soaked under the rain himself.

You look up at his out of breath state, his clothes drenched from the water still falling from the sky. “Ummm, thanks?” You hesitantly take the item he’s presenting you, eyes still trained on him, waiting for him to explain what was going on, where he had magically appeared from, and why he was not using the umbrella to shield himself but rather offering it to you. “So…” You open the parasol and hold it above both of your heads, biting your lip when you realize you have no idea what to say.

“S-sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Yoongi scratches the back of his neck, silently cursing himself for not thinking this through. His wet bangs were now clinging to his forehead, and he’s 99.9% sure he looks like a complete idiot. “H-here, I can hold that.” He awkwardly reaches out and takes the umbrella from you, hands brushing against yours momentarily before you let go of the handle. “Sorry.” He mutters again.

You shake your head. “No, I should be thanking you for saving me out here.” You smile brightly, and Yoongi swears he’s never seen anything so beautiful. “I don’t think we’ve been acquainted, I’m Y/N.”

“Y/N…” Yoongi spends a little too long savoring the way the syllables roll off his tongue. Even your name was beautiful. Nothing like any of the names he had conjured from the guessing games he had played in his head for the past few weeks. Y/N…it was perfect. “Uhh..my name is Y-Yoongi. Min Yoongi.” He adds, fortunately catching himself before he fell into another daydream.

You giggle at his display of nervousness. “Did you just happen to be out here on a walk?” You query, tilting your head in the cutest way possible (according to Yoongi).

“Oh, no. I was studying in there.”

Your eyes follow the direction his finger had raised to point towards. “So how come…?” You wanted to ask why he had ran out here.

“But then I got tired of reading and came out for a break.” He lies, praying that you won’t be suspicious of the impossible coincidence that he just happened to be outside with an umbrella within your vicinity right before it started raining.  

“I guess it’s my lucky day then.” You grin, putting your pearly whites on display this time. Yoongi’s heart is pounding so hard he feels like he’s going to pass out.

The two of you slowly make your way back towards the library. Half of Yoongi’s body remains exposed to the rain because he tries to leave enough room for you, even though you insisted he should scoot closer to you. You assume he’s just being polite, seeing as though the two of you just met.

“So what’s your major?” You ask, directing the conversation casually in an attempt to dispel the tension.

“I’m, uh, pre-med.” He answers.

“Impressive.” You nod. 

“What about you?”

“Literature. Not as practical.” You shrug, remembering how your parents were against your decision to study something that would not provide very many career opportunities, but you loved it too much to give it up in exchange for something else.   

“No, no. That’s really interesting.” Yoongi quickly butts in, regretting his choice of words the moment he hears what he had just voiced. He clears his throat, taking a deep breath before trying again. “It’s a study that is irreplaceable, and central to us as human beings. It helps us expand our horizons and express ourselves in unique ways.” He pauses for a second before continuing. “It’s really cool that your passions lie within something so important to humanity.”

Your lips curve upward at his heartwarming words.

The rain lets up not long after you reach the library, and you end up thanking Yoongi again before parting ways. He doesn’t know it then, but you were grateful for several things he did for you on that fateful day. Although he probably didn’t mean for his encouraging words to make such a huge impact on your mindset, to you it was unforgettable because it was exactly what you needed, not only on that day but also for many years to come.

 …

 Present

 He stands at the doorway staring at your limp form lying on the patient bed. His heart feels like someone is tying ropes around it, and he feels like the air in the room is too thin.

“She will be blind until we find a donor.”

The words keep repeating in his mind, and he doesn’t know why they are affecting him this much. He’s not supposed to be attached to patients. He’s not supposed to be concerned past an acceptable professional level. He’s not supposed to be too weak to inform them of bad news, and yet he had forced a resident to break the crippling news to you earlier this morning. 

At least it’s not permanent. At least it wasn’t nerve damage and can be fixed with ocular surgery. But even so, it doesn’t quell any of his concerns because compatible cornea donors can take months to find. 

“H-how are you feeling?” Yoongi squeezes his eyes shut the moment the words leave his mouth in a not so smooth manner. Why the fuck was he getting nervous? This is not how a world-renowned neurosurgeon should be acting. Min Yoongi, fucking stay professional.

Yoongi swallows thickly through gritted teeth, hoping that the sound isn’t loud enough to make it to your ears.

You continue to lie stiffly on the cot, not turning your head in the direction of his voice or giving any other indication that you had even heard what your doctor had just asked. The bandages around your head had been removed, but your eyes were kept closed for obvious reasons.

“Better” You softly answer after a painfully long silence that Yoongi spent mentally scolding himself.

He instantly relaxes the moment your voice, which is just as beautiful as he remembers might he add, fills the quiet room.

“That’s good. If you feel any discomfort or need anything, don’t hesitate to let us know.”

“Ok” You respond with a slight upturn of your lip that almost resembles a half smile.

“I’m going to perform some simple tests to make sure your nervous system is still functioning properly.” He informs as he prepares his equipment.

“Ok” You answer again, shifting a little this time to show that you are ready.

Yoongi takes a deep breath before reaching over to take your uninjured arm. He proceeds to give instructions for you to move your fingers, elbow, and shoulder, before moving on to make sure you haven’t lost sensation in any of your other limbs. You stay quiet for the majority of the time, only obediently doing as he says. You take note of how soothing his voice is and how delicately he handles you, and you can’t help but wonder if all doctors were this gentle, this kind, because you hadn’t quite experienced the same tenderness with the previous nurse and assistant who had performed initial tests on you.

“Now I’m going to quickly assess your lungs.” He notifies before reaching over to grab his stethoscope, shoving it in his ears and trying to ignore the fact that he’ll be seeing your partially bare body. The exact thing that he’s shameful to admit he could not refrain from fantasizing about when he was lying alone in his dorm room so many years ago. He swallows again, harshly reminding himself to stop being so ridiculous. That was the past. That was natural for a male in his sexual prime, but he’s older now, more mature, a respectable doctor-

Fuck.

All thoughts of reason flew out the window the moment his fingers brushed against the smooth and soft skin of your chest. His heartbeat is quickening, and he clenches his jaw to prevent his hand from trembling even in the slightest bit. Thank god years of surgical training has gifted him steady hands, because he’d be shaking uncontrollably if he had not practiced the art of calming himself when his own nervous system is on overdrive.

“Inhale. Exahale.” Yoongi instructs, for your sake and his own.

You follow his commands, taking in a deep inhale and long exhale, but you manage to squeeze in a quick question, one that you had been curious about for the past half hour. “Since I can’t see your name tag, can you tell me how I should address you?” Yoongi’s hand freezes, still placed above your exposed chest.

“You can call me Dr. Min.” He answers, eyes fluttering up to trace over your facial features but finding it difficult to read your emotions without your eyes to give anything away.

Lucky for him, you smile at his response, and it’s so reminiscent of the first time he saw your lips stretch into such a beautiful form that his heart almost skips a beat.

The rest of the testing goes efficiently, mostly because it’s filled with some light conversation. Now that you know his name, you somehow feel closer to him for some inexplicable reason. He’s not that nameless, faceless medical practitioner that’s pinching and probing you like you are some lab specimen, but rather a doctor by the name of Dr. Min, who handles you like a porcelain doll and speaks with a kind of rhythm that takes you to a place as familiar as home.

“Well, that’s all for now.” Yoongi announces as he cleans up. You can hear him packing away up his equipment, metal against metal, and the sound of him pushing the cart back into the corner.  

“Will you be back?” You ask as he walks back to your bedside.

“Of course.” He answers, letting his face relax into a smile. “I’ll come as much as you need me to.”

“I would like that.” You say, as he helps you lie back down to rest.

Yoongi doesn’t know what you mean by that statement, but he assumes you just want to be reassured that you’ll be properly taken care of. He jots down a few notes on his notepad and prepares to leave, but just as he was about to leave the room you call for him one last time.

“Dr. Min?”

Yoongi halts mid-step. “Yes?” He turns back to look at you, even though he’s fully aware that you can’t see him anyways.

“Thank you.”

 …

 Past

 Yoongi didn’t lack appeal in the traditional sense of the word, but he wasn’t exactly good at being a ladies magnet. He knew he wasn’t physically alluring, but he had brains, and there were plenty of girls who could appreciate a smart man. Like take Kim Namjoon for example, a man with the IQ of a genius, constantly spewing quotes as deep as the Pacific Ocean. But unlike Yoongi who gave off the aura of someone who hated everything about life, Namjoon made his nerdiness come off as charming and irresistible.

Yoongi, on the other hand, rarely expressed emotion on his face, and even when he did, it was always solely around his closest friends.

“So you’ve moved on from spying on her from the library?” Namjoon leans back in his chair and crosses his arms, contemplating the next steps he can suggests the hopeless male take.

“Joon, I told you, I stopped engaging in that shit a long time ago.” Yoongi huffs. “It was creepy, I know.”

Namjoon chuckles wholeheartedly. “And yet you managed to do that for what, 2 months?”

“Shut up”

“You’ve spoken to her before. Why not ask her out?” He proceeds to push the topic, despite knowing that the older male never wants to talk about it.

“Because I’m over her.”

“Lies.”  

Yoongi hates it when Namjoon is right because Namjoon is always right. He’s not over you. Hell, he’s never going to be over you. And just because he doesn’t see you anymore, doesn’t mean you’ve stopped haunting his dreams or daytime musings or every crevice of his cerebral cortex.  He even applied to be a TA for an introductory Bio course this semester, hoping that it’ll take his mind off of things that should not be specified.

He had thought it was the perfect plan, that is, until he saw you walk into the lecture hall on the first day of class.

What kind of fuckery-

“Yoongi, right?” He looks up to find you standing in front of his desk, apparently keeping his head down and eyes trained on the professor’s stack of handouts was not going to help him turn invisible.

“Y-Yes” He clears his throat.

“I know we don’t really know each other yet, but you don’t know how glad I am to see you.” You admit, looking around at the other students whose faces you’re even less familiar with. This is what happens when a liberal arts student decides to take a science class for fun, just to see what it was like.  

“You are?” Yoongi’s jaw slackens at your unexpected revelation. You can’t seriously be glad to see him for the reason he thinks… can you? He’s not misinterpreting your words… is he?

You nod while beaming at him so brightly it’s almost painful for his frail heart. “Yeah, I don’t know anyone here.” You clarify.

Yup. He misinterpreted. “Oh, right. Lit major.” Yoongi pretends to casually recall, not that he even came close to forgetting any detail about you.

Throughout that entire semester, Yoongi learns more about you than he had ever dreamed he would have the opportunity to. Because of your nonexistent science background, you always show up to his tutoring hours and stay longer than any other student. At first it made him a bit uncomfortable, knowing that there was no way he would even stand a chance at getting over his feelings for you at this rate, but interacting with you soon settled into a comfortable routine, one in which he almost gained enough confidence to be less nervous around you.  

“I’m sorry, you probably have other things to do.” You apologize as you look up at the clock hanging on the wall and see that it’s past the end of his tutoring hours.

“It’s fine. I was planning on staying here to study anyways.” He smiles at you, pulling out his own textbooks to show that he wasn’t leaving any time soon.

He hates himself for unleashing this type of self-torture on himself, for falling into this vicious cycle of not being able to resist caring about you past what is expected, or even reasonable for a mere TA. He didn’t have to stay past his tutoring hours for your sake. He didn’t have to make customized study guides just for you, and go out of his way to hide the fact that he did all of these extra things.

So you never knew about the countless occasions, Yoongi spent all evening helping you study class material, even when he had projects and lab reports due the next day. You never knew about how he didn’t mind losing a few hours of sleep, if it meant spending those hours with you.

 …

 Present

 “Y/N? The Y/N that still plagues your conscience to this day?” Namjoon almost spits out the bite of food he was chewing on. He and Yoongi were eating lunch in the hospital cafeteria when the older male decided to break the news to him. He knew Namjoon would find out eventually, so there was no need to hide it.

“You’re over exaggerating” Yoongi mutters, looking down at his lunch tray and picking at his food absentmindedly.

Namjoon sighs. “Am I? I told you the guilt wouldn’t go away that easily.”

By guilt, Namjoon means the terms in which Yoongi left for medical school without saying goodbye to you or even leaving you a way to contact him. 

“It was four years ago.” Yoongi reminds, as if time would really allow him to accept the decision he made.

But he’s never stopped regretting it. He’ll never forget how long he spent waiting by that bench, pacing back and forth while formulating a way to tell you how he truly felt about you, only to run away when he saw you walking down the sidewalk with someone else. That other guy was probably just a friend of yours, but the scene of you laughing to your hearts content as you linked your arms with him shattered any bit of confidence he had managed to assemble.

In retrospect, it was pretty stupid of him to let something so trivial prevent him from doing what he should’ve done at the time, which was confess in the face of potential rejection. He also didn’t know it would be the closest he ever got to telling you how much he liked you, nor did he anticipate it being the last chance he ever got to see you before he went off to medical school. He often wonders what would’ve happened if he had just sucked it up and confessed. Would you have given him a chance? Would he be less regretful? Even in the event that he was rejected, he was certain at the very least he wouldn’t feel so pathetic for chickening out even to this day.  

He still lingering over those thoughts of the past as he lightly knocks on the doorframe of your recovery room.

At the sound of the familiar tap, your head jerks towards the entrance and your lips curve into a gentle smile when you hear the distinct footsteps of the doctor who never fails to brighten your day.

“How are you feeling?”

It’s always the first thing that glides past his lips, the tangible serenade that makes the dull room come alive. 

“So much better now” You hum, exhaling blissfully.

Yoongi furrows his brows, not quite understanding what you are referring. “Did the nurse up your dosage?”

You laugh, shaking your head. “It has nothing to do with any of my medications, Dr. Min.”

Yoongi takes a seat on the chair by your bedside, still oblivious to what you mean.

“I heard you’re a writer now.” He says as casually as he can while simultaneously gripping the book he has brought and is planning on reading to you- if you wanted, that is. He was actually on a break from work, but decided to pay you a visit because he figured you would be bored, or at least that’s the excuse he kept repeating to himself. Truthfully, he’s feeling very uncertain of his actions and whether or not this is even an acceptable thing to do as your primary doctor. It’s probably not, but when has Yoongi ever been able to resist going the extra mile when it came to you?

“Now?” You pause at his peculiar statement. Were you being overly sensitive to his choice of words or did he actually sound like he was someone who knew you in the past? Maybe it was just a misunderstanding on your part.

“I mean, it says you are a writer on the patient information forms.” Yoongi corrects, quickly clearing his throat awkwardly.

“I am” You nod. “I’ve always been passionate about literature, but sadly, I can’t read or write in this condition.” Your expression falls, and Yoongi feels a tiny pang in his heart.

Yoongi looks down at the book clutched between his fingers. “Well, I can read to you if you would like.” He is trying really hard to make this a smooth transition to why he came to visit you today and not give away the fact that he actually planned this whole “read to you” thing. “I just happen to have this book here with me right now, and I’ve got some time to kill.”

You remain silent as you let his words sink in. It crosses your mind as being a little strange for a doctor to just have random books on hand while working. “Do you always carry books around?”

Yoongi swallows nervously. “I-I….yes” He stutters.

You giggle. “So you’re an avid reader?”

“You can put it that way.” He responds before flipping over the cover.

When he begins reading, you immediately recognize the title of the piece he had conveniently chosen. Was it too much of a coincidence that he just happened to have picked up one of your favorite books? Surely the patient forms would not contain such personal and medically unrelated information.

“You’re a fan of Murakami?”

He glances up from the page. “A friend of mine is.” He replies, recalling how Namjoon had shoved so many of the Japanese author’s works in his face over the years. He eventually grew fond of them for reasons he normally elected to not acknowledge, but deep down he knew it was because they always reminded him so much of you and your own literary tastes.

“I’m glad it rubbed off on you.” You comment, smiling once more.

Yoongi takes your peaceful reactions as a sign that you enjoyed his uncustomary visits, so he comes whenever he’s on break. Of course, he always hides those details and pretends that he’s just stopping by as he’s making his hospital rounds, but that was beside the point. Sometimes he even comes with a journal to write for you, becoming your pen and paper. You share all of your ideas with him, the deepest layers of your thoughts that your surprised became something that was so easy to do. It’s not every day that you feel comfortable enough to be in someone else’s company when you are writing. You typically wouldn’t even allow your closest of friends to walk in on you brainstorming fantastical ideas for new stories.

It was all going well for Yoongi until the day he didn’t time his visit right and almost fell out of his chair when the nurse walked in on him as he was reading to you.

Her expression is of mild astonishment as she stares at the neurosurgeon dressed in casual attire. “Dr. Min, I thought you were off work today?” Her question echoes loud and clear throughout the room, making Yoongi wince at the revelation of the secret he had kept so well up until now.

“I-I…” He completely at loss for words, eyes shifting over to you who has no idea what is going on.

The nurse proceeds to check up on you, clearly oblivious of Yoongi’s stupefied state.

He remains standing awkwardly against the wall as she finishes her assigned duties, not making a sound or clarifying why he was still there. Luckily the nurse doesn’t think much of it, and leaves as soon as she is finished.

“Dr. Min?” You voice as you hear him sit back down.

“Yes?” Yoongi murmurs timidly.

You smile knowingly. “Thank you”

 …

 It was exactly four months later that Yoongi was informed of a potential corneal donor for you. Admittedly, the moment was a bit bittersweet for him because it meant that you would be leaving the hospital with new eyes as soon as you recover from surgery, which means he would probably never see you again.

“I can’t believe you haven’t told her.” Namjoon is tempted to tear his hair out at this point.

“Of course I told her!” Yoongi defends, taken aback by the fact that his closest friend would think so lowly of him.

“I’m not talking about the donor stuff. I’m talking about the fact that she doesn’t know you’re the Min Yoongi from her undergrad days. 

Yoongi sighs. He should’ve known that Namjoon was still caught up in that. “Eh, she’s probably long forgotten about me.” Yoongi brushes it off, despite the little voice in his head that’s furiously trying to agree with the younger male. “It’ll just be weird if she finds out now because I’ve stepped over my boundaries as a doctor.” It was the truth, more or less. He’s definitely way past distant professional relationship at this point, and he thinks he’s certain that you’d be creeped out if you knew everything he’s done or has been doing for you.  

Namjoon rubs his temples in utter frustration, completely speechless at this point. “I don’t know what else to say.”

The surgery is successful. Of course, since it’s Min Yoongi and he’s just that skilled of a neurosurgeon. He doesn’t visit you on the day your bandages are removed and you can finally see the world in all of its glory once again, the brilliant sunlight surging into the small room, the vase of vibrantly colored flowers on the table by the window, the light blue and white bed sheets that you are seeing for the first time in four months. It was an exhilarating feeling; one that you’ll probably remember for the rest of your life, and it would’ve been a perfect moment, if only the first person you saw was the Dr. Min who gifted you the honor of being able to experience such a wonderful sensation again. 

You couldn’t hide the disappointment in your expression when all you saw was the nurse staring at you apathetically, and checking to make sure everything was functioning properly.

Maybe he was busy. You console yourself.

 …

 Yoongi was just getting off of his overnight shift a week after you checked out of the hospital, when he noticed that the flowers around the hospital grounds were beginning to bloom again. Leaving the hospital in the morning wasn’t that odd of an occurrence, but it was the first time in a long time he was taking a moment to enjoy the heartwarming signs of spring in the air. The sky was clear and the wind was twirling in enchanting ways.

He kind of wishes you were here to enjoy this with him.

But he only chuckles at the silly thought. Allowing you to actually see him was completely absurd. He even made sure some other patient was occupying your room before making a trip back to the place he had frequented for the past four months, basking in some of the old memories of the conversations the two of you had. He can’t deny the fact that he misses you, but he convinces himself that leaving you oblivious was for the best. Just as his mind was flooded with a few remaining thoughts of you, he closes his eyes and imagines he can almost hear the sound of your voice.

“Yoongi!”

The echo of his name being called by such a lovely and familiar melody makes him wonder if his lack of sleep or ungodly sleeping habit due to his job is finally taking a toll on his body.

“Dr. Min Yoongi!”

This time it’s louder and clearer than the first, and it makes his tired heart begin to race.

No fucking way.  

He whips his head around in a daze, only to see you standing a measly few feet away from him. He blinks a few times; still unable to comprehend that this isn’t one of his drowsy hallucinations.

You continue to stare at him with fond eyes, tracing over his aged yet soft features. He honestly hasn’t changed much, other than the dark bags under his eyes which you know will disappear after he gets some much needed rest. The disbelief that he’s drowning in is evident in his wide pupils and slightly parted lips.

“You were going to leave me hanging again, weren’t you?” You playfully accuse, taking long strides forward to close the gape between the two of you.

“I-I-…” He’s dumbfounded, unable to believe that this isn’t one of his illusory dreams of you, and that you are in fact standing before him right now, tangible and real, and looking at him with eyes that are seemingly verging on joyful tears. “You knew it was me?” He manages to inquire amidst his incredulity.  

“Eventually.” You admit, smiling at the way he drops his gaze. You gently reach up and cup his cheek. “At first I was a bit hurt that you didn’t tell me, but then I realized that it gave me a chance to fall in love with you…again.”

Yoongi’s jaw drops at your confession, and he feels like his breathing has stopped all together. “Y-You…m-me…again?” He’s lost the ability to form coherent sentences. This can’t be happening. Did you really just? To him?

You nod, chuckling at how embarrassing this all was, but you couldn’t lose him again, not after you regretted never telling him how much he meant to you four years ago and how much he still means to you now. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pour all of this on you all of a sudden.” You exhale in an attempt to calm your pounding heart.

There’s a long moment of nerve-wracking silence before Yoongi finally speaks.

“Y/N…” He takes a deep breath, organizing his frenzied thoughts as best as he can. There’s so much he wants to say, but he doesn’t know where to begin. He wishes he could just transfer everything he wanted you to know without having to come up with a way to eloquently convey his feelings. From that heart fluttering moment he first laid eyes on you to this unforgettable exchange that is making him feel like the happiest man alive, he doesn’t know how to get it all across in one statement, so he settles for something simple. “Y/N, I love you.” He ends up spilling the words he’s always wanted to say but never thought in a million years he would have the chance to.

Your face heats up at his direct confession, but that doesn’t stop you from taking it as a green light to jump into his arms, nuzzling your face into the crook of his neck. “I’m not dreaming, am I? This is real, right?”

Yoongi closes his eyes and soaks in the scent of your hair, arms squeezing you just a tad bit tighter as if to show that this, indeed, is not a dream. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this to be real.”

...

[svtwords-blog]

Reel to Real

Pairing: Joshua x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Note: Here it is! I chose Josh bc he’s Josh, enough reason. Jk, anyway hope this is okay with you! Bit lame cuz I’m currently writing another script for class

“Whoever loses has to take the dare!” (Y/F/N) shouted and started the game. Everyone gathered and formed a circle. The game continued for a few minutes until everyone screamed with joy except for you who lost. (Y/F/N) had a smirk on her face which made you feel uneasy.

“I have a cousin that works at Pledis. And she told me that Seventeen needs someone to act as a love interest in their MV. And since you’re in the drama club, I dare (Y/N) to audition for that role.” Everyone was pushing you to join because they know how much you love Seventeen. You agreed on the dare as a joke and shrugged it off. You almost forgot about it until a week later that (Y/F/N) reminded you that your audition is near.

“So how did the audition go?” (Y/F/N) was on the phone and wanted to know every detail that happened while you were at Pledis. “Bad, I’m so not getting that role,” You replied and bit your lips. Being the perfectionist you are, you weren’t that pleased with the way you acted. “Sure? Better check your emails (Y/N) ‘cause I’ve heard the opposite.” (Y/F/N) chuckled before hanging up.

You hastily opened your laptop and checked your emails. Your eyes widened at a specific email and your heart started thumping. “Dear Ms. (Y/L/N), we are pleased to tell you that you will be working with Seventeen for their next MV. The boys themselves loved your performance. We are expecting you to be at Pledis tomorrow. Thank you.” You read aloud and started squealing once the message sunk into your system.

The car came to a stop outside a familiar building. You stepped outside while trying to calm your nerves. Your heart was racing as the receptionist guided you to the meeting room. Was this really a good idea?

Staffs greeted you when you went inside. Cameras were everywhere which made you more anxious. You had no professional background in acting but you do know the basics. One by one, Seventeen entered the room. You tried so hard to calm yourself and not show your weird fangirl self.

“Today is the first day of the MV filming. Ms. (Y/N), I assume that you already know Seventeen. Boys, this is (Y/N), she’ll be acting as the love interest for your MV.” You greeted them calmly thank God and they greeted you with smiles and excitement.

You kept stealing glances at Joshua who looked really cute focusing on what the PD’s are saying. Joshua seemed to notice and caught you looking at him. He chuckled lightly at your flustered state. The meeting ended and it was the start of the recording.

The MV director started explaining what’s going to happen. “(Y/N) likes Jeonghan but Joshua likes (Y/N), the love triangle. The members will help both Joshua and (Y/N) to realize their feelings for each other, as shown in the lyrics. We’ll follow what the lyrics says and Josh will get the girl.” Your face was red when you heard what’s going to happen. You tried to hide it and concentrated on how you’ll act.

The members — except for Jeonghan — shooted first. Jeonghan sat down next to you and started a conversation. He was fun to be with and the two of you easily clicked. It was your turn to act with Joshua and Jeonghan gave you a pat on the head before letting you go.

“Hi!” Joshua waved at you which you returned with a shy smile. The staffs were fixing the set and Joshua found that as an excuse to talk to you for a moment. “I really liked your acting on the audition video,” Joshua complimented and you blushed. “T-thanks,” you managed to say. He just complimented me.

The staff called for the two of you and signaled that they were ready to film. “Genuine flustered reactions, (Y/N), okay?” The director reminded you before shouting action. Joshua’s gaze changed which really made you blush. He was quietly singing along to the song playing in the background while acting with you.

You finished that scene in two takes. The PD’s were satisfied with your acting and reactions. You were really flustered. “Good job (Y/N)!” Jeonghan shouted from where he was watching and you smiled at him. “Wow, you two are close already?” You turned around and saw Joshua standing next to you. “Maybe.”

A week after the start of the filming, you got close to the boys and every filming was fun and enjoyable. You exhanged numbers with them and they always talk to you, especially Jeonghan and Joshua. You were halfway through finishing the MV and you got a little sad thinking that you won’t see them much anymore.

“Confess to him already. It’s so obvious that you like him.” You turned and saw Jeonghan next to you. He pointed at Joshua who was filming his part of the MV. “No way,” You shook your head and playfully punched Jeonghan on his arm. He ruffled your hair in return and chuckled at the cute mess he made.

Little did the two of you know, Joshua was watching from the set. Am I jealous? No, right? They’re close, so what? It’s not like (Y/N) likes him. Does she? Thoughts like these ran through his mind and didn’t notice you approaching him. Joshua woke up from his reverie when you gently tapped his shoulder and sat next to him. “You okay there?” You asked with a smile which made his heart skip a bit.

“You’re too lost in your thoughts Josh. Everything fine?” Joshua loved the soothing sound of your voice. You were always gentle and bubbly, making him smile all the time. He nodded at your question and rested his head on your shoulder. Your heart started beating like drums with a fast tempo. Calm down (Y/N), he just rested his head on your shoulder. You played with his hair while he savored the moment of being this close to you.

The two of you were lost in your own thoughts and didn’t notice cameras filming. Both the members and the PD’s found what you two were doing really cute and filmed it. Even Jeonghan was taking pictures and sending them to you, ‘Thank me later (Y/N).’

The MV filming schedule was finished after a few more takes. You were fixing your things when Mingyu approached you. “We’re having samgyeopsal, you’re forced to go with us under the commands of Jeonghan-hyung,” Mingyu said and dragged you to their car. You were about to open the door to the passenger seat when Mingyu dragged you again and made you sit next to Joshua.

Jeonghan looked at you and Joshua sitting together and shot a look. You rolled your eyes at him. Most of the members were asleep or in their own little world. You turned to Joshua in hopes of breaking the silence by starting a conversation but he was peacefully sleeping. His head was in an uncomfortable position so you rested it on your shoulder.

Joshua turned and hugged you from the side. Your face was red and your heart was beating like crazy. He looked so comfortable hugging you and resting his head on your shoulder so you didn’t bother to move. You like it too (Y/N), admit it. You gulped as your brain started agreeing with your heart.

The dinner was full of laughter. There was never a dull moment when you’re with them. You only have a week left of shooting the MV and the teasers. It makes you sad but for now, you want to enjoy their company and be happy.

Jeonghan — who was sitting next to you — nudged your shoulder and showed a picture of Joshua hugging you from the car. “How the hell did you get that?” You turned to him with wide eyes. “I have ways, sweetheart,” Jeonghan said and winked at you. You were already used to this side of him. You tried reaching for his phone but Jeonghan placed it behind him.

From the other’s point of view, it looks like the two of you are hugging each other. Joshua kept poking the meat with his chopsticks which earned confused looks from all of you. What he saw really made him lose appetite. He stood up and excused himself. “Someone’s jealous...” Jeonghan said and the twelve of them turned to you. “I didn’t do anything!” You said defensively and they laughed at your reaction.

After that dinner, Joshua became distant. Messages between the two of you consisted of ‘good mornings’, ‘great job today’ and ‘keep safe’. Tomorrow was the last day of filming. You prepared letters for the boys and for the staffs as well.

“I want you to pour out all of your emotions,” the director instructed. You were filming the teaser where Joshua sees you with Jeonghan and he becomes sad. You reached out to him but he moves away. Just like what’s happening to us right now, you thought.

All the teasers for the MV were finished. And you’ll be filming the finishing touches tomorrow, and the part where Joshua wins you. You were saying your goodbyes and was about to leave when Dokyeom told you that the staff called you for a talk.

You found the room Dokeyom told you about but not a single staff was there. Only a boy who looks just as confused as you. You felt someone pushed you inside and locked the door. “Make up already lovebirds!”

Joshua gave you a confused look and you just shurgged. The two of you tired opening the door but it was no use. “We’ll let you out once you’ve realized that you love each other,” someone shouted from the other side of the door. You sighed and sat down, giving up. Joshua did the same. “Are you mad at me?” You asked him. He’s been acting a bit weird lately.

“What makes you think that?”

“You’ve been avoiding me lately, Josh.”

“No I’m not.”

“Is something bothering you?”

“Do you like Jeonghan?”

You were taken aback by his question. You never thought of Jeonghan as more than a friend. It took you too long to answer which made Joshua think that he was right. He rushed to the door and knocked on it. “(Y/N) and I are okay, let us out.” Hansol opened the door and you whispered before Joshua could ever leave the room.

“I like you,” you said before dashing out. You immediately left and Joshua froze when he heard you say that. He wasn’t expecting anything. Hansol snapped his fingers in front of him and Joshua looked at the younger boy. “I think you should chase her now?” Hansol suggested and pointed to your figure leaving the set. “I have a better idea.”

You mentally slapped yourself when you remembered what you said to Joshua. I should’ve said it today because it’s the last day of filming and I won’t see him anymore, you facepalmed and let out a sigh. You decided that you’ll just pretend that you didn’t say it and act professionally.

You were called on set where Joshua was waiting. You were filming the last part of the MV where Joshua confesses. “Just go with the flow, (Y/N),” the director said. Joshua took your hands in his and looked at you straight in the eyes. This wasn’t in the script, you thought.

“Do you like me?” Joshua asked. You were surprised and stunned for a moment. This wasn’t on the script the staff gave to you. “I said, do you like me?” Joshua repeated and you nodded, “I guess I do.” Joshua hugged you and whispered words that made your heart jump. “I like you too. I guess I won.”

The director yelled cut but Joshua didn’t let go of you. “Uh, Josh, the filming’s done.” You poked his arms that encircled your waist. “I thought you like me so let me hug you,” he said in a whiny voice which made you laugh. “I thought that was for the MV,” you said and broke the hug.

“Hit two birds with one stone? I guess what happens in the MV happens in real life too.”

“So what are we, reel to real now Josh?”

“Absolutely babe.”

istg it’s lame