theawakeness-blog

[theawakeness-blog]

La Monde

Recently, I have been obsessed with Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s Cosmos. I am always fascinated with learning about our universe’s vast history, evolution, and expanse. The show dissects the structural complexities of our planet, while witnessing the birth of civilization. While watching this series, I reflected on the ways Earth shifted and changed, creating the better and worse for its inhabitants. Life on Earth has always faced a series of global phenomenons and catastrophes, however, life has always triumphed these obstacles.

I asked myself, so why does life on Earth today feel so difficult this time ‘round the sun? I think when we break it down, society evolved and advanced so immensely that in today’s age, we don’t face the same category of ‘survival of the fittest’. But rather, we face separating cultural differences that spark global civil disagreements.

One of the core issues we fight for humanity today is ironically humanity itself. We separate each other by these invisible borders, outrageous claims to parts of the world that weren’t our property to begin with. Nations wage wars against each other for land, fighting each other for a world that belongs to everyone. Being a citizen of the world isn’t enough anymore. Today we separate each other by harmful nationalistic views that do nothing more than keep further dividing us as a species.

The world did not hurl itself through space for dozens of millennia, providing life and security for its inhabitants - just to have it killed by selfish and terrorist views. Just a reminder, the world does not need us - we need the world. This planet will survive, but will we?

[theawakeness-blog]

The act of forgiving is giving; not just to them, but to yourself.

I’ve been working on a self help book for about two years on and off. And on the sixth chapter, I had this feeling of “huh.” I guess I should, or rather could, explain better than that.

I never knew I had an anger issue until I was stuck in a really shitty situation. Two years ago, I had a group of friends and needless to say, the results were chaotic.

I was dating the girl I had been in love with since I was a sophomore in high school, confused and scared in my identity and sexual orientation. But I finally had her, again, I had a real chance. My best friend within this group also had feelings for her, and to my disadvantage, she had feelings for him, too.

And it made me unbearably angry having to confront the fact that my girlfriend was lusting over my best friend, my best friend lusting over my girlfriend, and I’m just somewhere in the middle floating around. I never really learned how to express my anger, where the root problem was just I felt inadequate, I felt like less of a man, I felt not enough, for the girl that was the girl of my dreams and I could never ever alter her. There was nothing I wanted to change about her, I guess, other than the fact that she had feelings for my best friend.

Through that break up, and the break up of that group of friends, I learned where I struggled; I struggled with my anger, communicating my anger, etc. And truth is, I haven’t really addressed anger, the idea of it or the feeling of it, since then. I think that deep down I was scared of expressing anger, or even feeling anger, because all it did was leave me in heartbreak and losing my lifeline; this group of amazing people that showed me my true self, accepted me, and loved me unconditionally despite my rage.

So when I got to this chapter, I guess I felt uncomfortable. The questions guided me regardless of my discomfort, asking me about my mother, my father, my sibling, my family as a whole in terms of how they react in anger. And I realized I do hold grudges, as opposed to being destructive and in a complete blur of rage.

The main activity in this chapter was to write a letter to someone you are angry at, noting that it could be old anger, or new anger. In this letter, you are instructed to be as real, as genuine as you possibly can be in expressing your anger towards this person without holding yourself back. After you write the letter, you read it once to yourself, and then fold it. On the outside of the letter, you’re instructed to write “What I really want is your love and approval” and then burn it, therefor releasing your anger completely.

This activity really helped me. I mean when I stumbled onto that activity, I was stumped for a minute: because it had been so long in feeling, expressing anger, I genuinely didn’t know who to turn to in anger. And when I did decide on someone, I felt guilty for it. But by writing that letter, I cried, I felt, and then I was able to truly let go of my anger. And it felt amazing.

I really want to encourage my readers, if they are struggling with anger or letting go/forgiving someone, to see the benefit in it by giving this exercise a chance. I really strongly encourage you guys to write out how you feel, lay it all out on paper, and then burn it. The release you get, you give to yourself, but in the act of forgiveness, you are also gifting that person the chance of being better as well. Forgiveness is such a strong act of power, strength, and courage. Give it to yourself.

Let us know in a message if you relate in such things, or if you practiced this exercise. Perhaps even submit a letter to us letting us know how your experience was, we’d love to hear it and support you! :)

Carry on, 

K

[theawakeness-blog]

Verité

I spent years avoiding the truth. Accepting the lies I told myself, embracing a made-up future where I could pretend that everything was going to be okay. I guess the hardest part is when you lie to yourself for so long, that when you start to unravel everything you don’t know why you thought it was so believable.

The biggest lie I ever told myself was that my mother was ever going to care about me in the way I wanted her to. I thought that by moving away, and coming back, somehow something would change for her. Maybe, I thought, she’d realize she pushed me away. But instead now I face radio silence save for remote conversations where we pretend my high school years never happened.

I think she still has hope that one day I’ll tell her she was right, that this was a phase and that God’s plan for me was still on track. But it won’t happen. Growing up, I knew I was the favorite child, everyone knew it, and I felt like my parents were really proud of me. But then I turned eleven and fell into my first crush with my male best friend. I told my parents, not knowing it was wrong, and ever since then I have felt so incredibly impure in my life.

The truth is, that coming out for me tore a huge part of my soul out. On the side of my ribcage I have a tattoo that says ‘impure’, which I have dedicated entirely to the way I feel every time I think about my life. I was raised in this life where if you were anything that did not fit inside the predetermined box, you were nothing. And that was the scariest part of my teenage years, because I felt so uncomfortable with who I was and it really changed the outcome of how I am as an adult now.

I have so much anger built up now that I am starting to realize how much effort I have put into lying to myself. But, like everything else in life, the outcome will always teach you something valuable. So here’s to hoping that I can begin to learn how to accept the things that have happened to me, and start to accept the truth of my life.

[theawakeness-blog]

Fuck (Corporate) America

Lately I have been having this overwhelming desire to drop everything. I’ve confessed and share these feelings with several of my friends, and I’m sure a larger population that’s outside of my reach. Regardless of these connections, I feel crazy for how I feel. I see so many people do exactly what I fear, what I lack, what I cannot do, so easily, or at least it comes across that way. 

I suck at keeping jobs. And I hate money. 

Basically every job I have, I have left. Regardless if there is word of promotion, of success, even going through the most annoying forms of training, I fucking hate working majority, if not all of the time. Which is super annoying when we live in a world right now where you very much have to depend on a job--even if you hate it, even if you’re not getting paid nearly enough for what you do, for success. We live in Corporate America. And look around you, once in a while. See how we treat those that are well off in their financial status. They have the best the world has to offer only because they have the money to attain these things. And the money, the never ending evil green that floods their pockets boosts their ego. We praise and look up to celebrities, even if we don’t acknowledge it. Maybe not praise, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at the Kardashians- as much as I strongly dislike the family- and wished to be in the same financial status as them, to be able to take care of my family, or myself, to have anything I could ever want or dream of because I have the money to attain such things. And I’m not even talking simply of material things. Dude, it costs ridiculous amounts of money to even travel the world. Most of us will work the rest of our lives until we retire, and then we have less than half our lives to do what we actually want to do--given, if we saved our money wisely and have the money to still care for our families in the years we have left while also following dreams we put off until this moment. 

I’ve seen this first hand with my step father. He worked his ass off his whole life, owned his own company. And even though he was paid very well, and we were able to go on trips when we were younger, now that he is retired and there isn’t a constant paycheck every week, he does worry about money. He’s told me he would love to travel to Poland, as his family is from there. He would love to travel the world, but can’t. For years he struggled with knee problems and lack of hearing aids, and felt as though he was ‘splurging’ when he retired by getting knee replacement surgery and hearing aids. To me, that’s ridiculous and fucked up. He needed these things years ago, and in no way is that spoiling or splurging in money to grasp onto these things he’s needed. 

Ultimately I know my voice, my opinion, my feelings won’t change America from being a society that relies on money, and fails with lack thereof. I know I’m going to have to work the rest of my life to afford things as simple as a roof over my head, food on my table, medical expenses, etcetera. But even stronger, I know I am striving to live, not just survive. 

And I feel like to do this, I really need to spend time (when I am not working) on doing things I love, or at least planning things for the future to look forward to. I don’t ever want to relate my success or pride in my accomplishments based on how many 0′s I have in my bank account. I don’t want my happiness and pride in my life to be on how big my house is, how many acres of land I own, how expensive my clothing is, or what kind of car I drive. I want my happiness to be my own, and to be based on my own experiences. I want my happiness to derive from all the realizations about myself, about the world, about the universe and these people around me I grab onto. I want my happiness to be from seeing both the sunrise and the sunset in the same day, on different beaches in northern Michigan. I want my happiness to be off of how many times I’ve laughed until I cry, the pure happiness of a great big up after a really bad down, all the puppies to pet that I possibly can, all the concerts I sweat my ass off at and walk out of with a sore throat and no voice. 

I want experiences,

I don’t want money. 

I want to live. 

-Kody

[theawakeness-blog]

Sinners Prayer

“He has a funny way, saying “forever” too fast. Dont get mad, can’t blame a tramp for something he don’t have.”

I lately have been taking a more in-depth lyric analysis of one particular song, “Sinners Prayer” off of Gaga’s new album, Joanne. And I personally think this song is one of the deepest songs on that album, without really trying too hard.

I’m not going to really write a whole lot about this song, except for the lyric I started the post with. This particular lyric is really hitting me lately because of a recent breakup I went through. The idea of saying forever, too fast, really stuck with me and has been ringing in my ears so much. I think the hardest thing for me to do is just move on, and accept the mistakes that were made and accept the sinner inside of me. That’s really what this song is, is a redemption song made to chant about this idea of, “hey I’m not perfect but I know it”. And I think that is truly what makes this song stick out so much on this album.

Later in the bridge of the song, she sings these lyrics: “I can carry you but not your ghosts, Wish I had the faith but, I don’t know.”

And I think that is another really powerful outlook on me accepting and moving on with my life. Like, I have to at some point realize that your ghosts and your past and your burdens are not meant to be shared with me. And lastly, that lyric about having faith really struck me. As my faith in these burdens became something that I wasn’t really sure if I wanted or not, and it ended up being really conflicting to who I was as a person. It made me feel really heavy, and really wrong for keeping a ghost that wasn’t mine.

This song, all-in-all, provided me with some sort of closure to what I was feeling, and explained to me why I was feeling that way. It gave my emotions a direct line, a form of communication.

Send us messages and share with us what songs have made you realize things you didn’t know where there!

[theawakeness-blog]

We are looking for a new writer to start writing weekly in September! The candidate we are looking for is fearless and willing to speak their mind. The Awakeness is a blog designed to encourage others by facilitating unvoiced conversations. Starting out, this is an un-paid internship that can later become a permanent position if desired. Writers are required to post once per week while providing a consistent writing style free of spelling or grammar errors.

You can apply for this position on our Facebook page, or send us a message and we’ll be more than happy to further discuss the position with you!

[theawakeness-blog]

“And the shadow of the day will embrace the world in grace, and the sun will set for you.”

--Chester Charles Bennington. (March 20, 1976- July 20, 2017)

I was completely and utterly heartbroken when I heard the devastating news that Chester has ultimately ended his life. I didn’t believe it at first, and really didn’t want to. This is someone that I have resonated with through the power of music and lyricism since I was young. I think the youngest I was when I started listening to Linkin Park was roughly 4th or 5th grade. I remember during this time in my life, I was having extreme feelings of inadequacy, not feeling normal or like I fit in with any of my peers as I was so drastically different appearance wise than them at such a young age. I felt really alone and really depressed. I found comfort in Linkin Park, the messages in their songs, or sometimes even the feelings of rage that I too felt. No mater what the message or voice was behind the song, I could resonate with it. It helped me immensely in efforts of not feeling alone, even when I was alone in my room sobbing. Linkin Park is, and will always be, an important part of my life and my childhood. I am beyond words thankful for Chester, the band, and their music. I’m deeply saddened.

And I was scrolling through my timeline today on Twitter, and seeing all the fans sending all their love to one another struggling with this loss, sending their own private tweets to Chester’s account, just lots of love and loss and sadness all over Twitter. But one message really stuck out to me (and I wish I could find this tweet, but I’ve somehow lost it), but there is an even bigger message to be read here from this devastating loss. That of which being the topic of mental health, how incredible important it is, and how real it is.

There’s this sort of stigma that I’ve noticed (and I’m sure others have as well) that girls are the only ones that actually struggle with mental illness, and that is so not the case. We need to normalize the fact that men, too, struggle with mental illness. We need to make men feel validated and accepted in these terms so they can go to someone for help, if they are feeling at danger to themselves in such darkness. There’s this image so many people, whether intentionally or not, hold against men that suggests they shouldn’t or don’t feel emotions, or are not emotionally vulnerable people. But look around you. We have lost amazing musicians, amazing actors, amazing humans to mental illness overpowering the mind. Recognize that men also struggle with mental illness, and support them to reach out for help. We cannot keep losing so many to these illnesses.

I would also like to mention here that if you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts and tendencies, please don’t hesitate to reach out. There is absolutely no shame in allowing people in to help you when you feel a danger to yourself. 1-800-273-8255.

We love you, Chester Bennington. Rest easy, love.

-Kody

[theawakeness-blog]

Hello?

Hey! How are you?

-TC.

[theawakeness-blog]

Passion For Fashion

Some of my favorite fashion looks come from John Galliano’s collection for Christian Dior Printemps 2011. Looking back, this collection is so much more in-depth than anyone thought as it is an interpretation of the modern woman. The show commences with bold, vibrant shades of dark reds that softly blend with black, white, and the occasional silver.

The entire collections features broad swaps of color carefully underscored by black lines. This collection is so vast and detailed, just one piece took over five-hundred hours and twenty-four days to complete, leaving time little time for it to be completed on the day of the show. For printemps 2011, les atelier for Dior brought to life a total of thirty designs and sketches by John Galliano. Each piece uses techniques and methods invented by Dior himself, and consistently refer back to the “New Look”.

This show in particular is my favorite by Dior, because of its play on vibrance within the feminine silhouette. Each piece carefully twists around the model, shaping her into an art piece known as haute couture. The tulle used for each gown evokes similarities to brush-strokes, playing with both highlighting and shadowing the figure in the perfect way. A method called “baguette strips” within the tulle are used to accentuate each crisp fold, capturing the highlight within the motion of the model.

“A dress is a piece of ephemeral architecture, designed to enhance the proportions of the female body.” - Christian Dior.

The statement of prominent and strong women are displayed perfectly within this collection, telling the story of bold and beyond. This collection is the first collection to inspire the way I personally view the fashion industry, and I hope this post can inspire some of you, as well.

Sources: vogue.com Dior passage no. 5, studio h20.

[theawakeness-blog]

GO

so first things first: i would like to apologize to you, reader, for not being here the past two times i have been scheduled to post. i'm going to touch base on how i've been doing mentally, and my realizations from this break, but it needed to be said. furthermore, i am now getting back into the schedule and hum of things and am making time for The Awakeness, as well as my other dreams as well! it's so important to make time for yourself. i've discovered this recently, and a lot throughout this break i had. i've recently started trying to make time, even if it's only for an hour or so a day between when i wake up and when i go out and socialize with my friends here. which is incredibly important for mental health! i used to stress and force myself to do something productive during that time: work on my self help book, clean my house, clean my car, do laundry, et. al. but then i remembered wise advice from the last therapy session i had about a year ago, where she told me that self love comes even in allowing yourself to just breathe during times of being alone. forcing yourself to work on a book, or journaling, often times won't get you the realizations or answers within yourself you truly need. and it's so incredibly important to listen to your body and it's wants and desires. she told me i shouldn't feel guilty for choosing to lay in bed and watch a movie, rather than journaling: though maybe watching a movie and laying in bed isn't productive, that is absolutely okay! the fact of the matter is, and the most important i do think, is that i am taking care of myself and listening to my body. in a moment like that, maybe my body just needs to relax, and that's where that want comes from. and i've been allowing myself to do what i want (so long as it is not harmful or destructive of course), and honestly a lot of the things i've wanted to do for myself and with myself have started to appear in my life. i've not only devoted more time to myself, but i have also picked up on reading again, which is a goal i had set for myself in 2017. actually last night, i picked up a book i had picked up and put down twice, and actually sat and read the whole thing. and it felt amazing! along with that accomplishment yesterday, i also registered for classes for the upcoming semester and cooking dinner with Mary for her family, and had a really fun time doing it! there are more goals i have set aside, and one by one i am going to run at them fearlessly. i am heading back to the gym tomorrow, after having not gone for a couple of weeks. losing weight and getting fit, as i mentioned before in older posts, has always been one of my dreams. i've often been discouraged and thought it could never come true, but so long as i am working towards it, i am sure i will see progress eventually. maybe not in the span of time i would like to see progress, but this is definitely a test from the universe: being persistent in chasing your goals and showing your promise to achieving those goals will allow you to have that. the universe is very giving, so long as you show very specifically what you want and what that could do for you. all i want is to love myself and to be healthier, and that's what i'm running towards. so, my request for you, readers, is this: acknowledge how little, yet how much time we still have left in 2017, and with that, write a little list to yourself. set some goals that you would like to accomplish or at least begin running for this year. really take time to listen to your heart. but that's the easy part, right? so let me challenge you: take one of those goals, and run after it! i dare you! and please feel free to message us (anonymously is an option as well!) and tell us what your goals are, and where your progress is in accomplishing and facing this goal. and know that we are rooting you on! So on your marks, get set... -Kody.

[theawakeness-blog]

Today Is.

There really aren’t any words to say today. I feel pretty silent, void of thought, and complexly loud at the same time. There is a lot going on, a lot of words being said around me that I feel I do not understand. I am being rushed into decisions I do not want to make. There is a currant of stress flowing around me, seeping into me and pushing out every positive emotion I could think of.

But this is not what I want for me, so I reject it. I give up on the idea that I have to feed into negativity in hard times. If I truly don’t want my depression to resurface, and I do not want to fall behind and fail in my life, I refuse to let it happen. So, I change. The world around me is not going to change to make me happy, I have to change the way I am, to make myself better. To relieve myself of these negative things, I have to stop giving in to them.

So, here I am, changing. I removed myself from toxic friendships, took my investment in them and put it toward myself. I moved up in my career and boldly approached challenges that weren’t even mine to face. I moved hell and high waters to get where I wanted to be, and I never stopped to let people get in my way or slow me down.

One thing I truly believe is that if you want to get out of a hard time in your life, you have to be bold enough and brave enough to do it. You and you alone have to face up to what is wrong, how you are doing it wrong, and how you are going to make the change. There are ways out of bad situations, you just need to find the exit door and run.

[theawakeness-blog]

Fuck Nationalism

Albert Einstein called nationalism the “measles of mankind”, referring to how outrageous ideologies can transform an entire populous against each other. Nationalism by definition is the extreme form of patriotism, often implying a fear or fight for superiority over other nations.

An example of nationalism is the current state of affairs in the United States. While the word ‘united’ would imply anything except nationalism, the sad truth is that we are vulnerable to claim our dominance in the world. We often misplace what we think is under the category of patriotism, when in reality, we are being fed into a brain-washing nationalistic society.

You might think, or assume, that nationalism is healthy to make a country prosperous. But you’re wrong. Nationalism is used in politics to gain political control of a seemingly collapsing situation. Americans are pridefully patriotic, standing together in their red, white, and blue states.

God bless these United States.

[theawakeness-blog]

Apple-of-my-eye, Appleton.

I've never felt so at peace or comfortable in my surroundings as much as I have on my vacation here in Appleton, Wisconsin. I've been here before, but only when I've come to visit Topher in the past when they still lived at their parents home. On a side note, it's amazing what we have gone through together. From homophobic parents and families, being bullied at school, getting our hearts absolutely shattered, we have literally been through it hand in hand from 9 hours apart, and we are still standing today. It's still insane to believe that Toph is now independent and free to live their life on their own. And that's ultimately what I feel while staying here in Toph's apartment for the week. I feel this sense of hope and pride, not only in my best friend who's made insane and incredible progress since we first became friends, but for myself. I too have traveled this beautiful and disastrous path and made it out alive! And I've never been so grateful or so proud of that until I got to experience moments that were so simple but so important to me this week; laughing my ass off until I was bent over with tears streaming down my cheeks in a target, getting matching tattoos that symbolize our pact we made years ago, getting drunk together, having those heart to heart conversations in the car together from a mini road trip, painting our faces and feeling super confident, slapping each other while laughing on the floor in efforts to stop laughing as to not ruin our face masks that were SUPER uncomfortable. There really is no better feeling than when you find your person, you know? Toph has been with me in the most vulnerable times of my life, and still is. I could not be more grateful. And I am beyond excited to start my life here with my best friend in the near future. And I guess that's what I wanted to talk about, honesty. I feel like Appleton is just one of those places that feel like my home away from home. Sure, it could be just the people that are here, like Toph. But everyone I have personally interacted with here has been so kind and welcoming. This city is completely accepting of its origins but is continuing to grow and change and adapt to shift into what will best fit its residents now and in the future. There's just this feeling of hope in the air while the construction workers busy away at making these changes. In the same sense, I am constantly changing. And how safe is it to do that in a completely different city and state where nobody else knows me, and I can meet new people and make new experiences?! Ultimately I'm just really excited for life here. Nothing has ever felt so right. And it's going to suck leaving on Saturday. -Kody

[theawakeness-blog]

Wednesday

This is the story all about how, my life got flipped turned upside down.

For this week’s post I decided to write about my relationship with Kody, my co-writer on this blog. For those of you who don’t know, we are actually together on vacation in Wisconsin this week. That is partly the excuse for my late post this week, as yesterday we got matching tattoos.

I have been best friends with this kid for the last six (?) years of my life, and each day I get through it by his side. We only see each other once a year, due to the distance between us, however, there has not been a single day when I haven’t talked to Kody. This kid has gotten me through every single issue we have faced together, and I honestly could never begin to imagine a world without them. As cliche as that sounds, I truly have never had anyone in my life that compares an inch to Kody.

As you can see in the photo above, we have two matching tattoos. One, a plane, symbolizes the distance and the journey of our relationship.

Our newest tattoo, the mountain, has a bit more complex history to it. The very first time we met, we made a suicide pact - but not the kind you think. It was the opposite, whereas, we promised each other to never commit suicide. We tied this promise together, by rolling down a hill (which ended up having a lot of sharp rocks along the way down, that nearly killed us). So in our pact to not end our lives, we almost ended our lives.The mountain represents that hill, the pact we made - so we can always remember that promise in our lowest point. The tattoo itself is also a half-circle, which promptly reminds us as well that we are only half-way done with our journey. We still have a whole lifetime to complete our journey, wherever that leads us.

[theawakeness-blog]

I found this quote--oddly enough, scrolling through tumblr years ago. It always weighed on me with some sort of significance, but it just recently resonated with me even more so. I've been really hard on myself lately. I guess I shouldn't say lately, I've always been pretty hard on myself. Okay, saying i've been pretty hard on myself is a complete understatement, but hopefully you get what I'm trying to say here. I've been horrible to myself. Just about any label that's been stuck to me by my peers, I have kept to myself and repeated them back in the mirror like an affirmation. Which really sucks, because I didn't realize until I got more into healing myself through therapy, self help books, and the right group of people that ultimately, we do create our future. I used to think that just because of my weight, I was worthless. Growing up as the fat kid, was really hard. I never really knew who was my friend, a lot of the time I thought the friends I had were forced to be my friends by the teacher or because they pitied me. My brother was fortunately two years older than me, and always had a large group of friends. He was always one of the popular kids in his age group, people would come up to me all the time acknowledging me as his sibling. It was almost like I had body guards growing up, knowing that if anyone hurt me, my brother would be there to fix it. But regardless, my weight has always been an issue. And unfortunately in this society, people don't really view an overweight person and stop to think before they judge. America has this stereotypical view of overweight people; couch potato, lazy, eats and sleeps. Nobody stops to think that maybe you're overweight because of a medical issue. I guess the main issue is that everyone thinks about everyone's weight to begin with. And that really sucks. Anyways, what I'm trying to get here at, in relation to this quote, is that my "weakest link" is my weight. But I realized something that struck me to the core the other day--I can change this. I am not stuck. I know what I want, and I can get there. But I have to make the changes to see them. I have to overcome my fears and anxieties to get to my ultimate satisfaction with myself. I've already taken the steps (literally, HA) to; I go to the gym at least 5 times a week, and when I leave I'm dripping in sweat. I used to not be able to go the gym, and would just work out at home even though my mom was paying for my gym membership for me. I've made huge progress in my fitness goals, from the time I spend at the gym to how long I use each machine. Just because I am overweight right now, does not mean I am not worthy of love or acceptance, because I sure as hell am. And that love and acceptance needs to come from within first. If The Awakeness is the first place I say it, then let me say it loud enough for those of you in the back; I love myself, and am going to continue loving myself and my body by working out and achieving all my goals ahead. -Kota (If you guys want to follow my fat-to-fit journey, I'll be posting updates and things on instagram on my gym account, hippiepunkgymrat )

[theawakeness-blog]

Herstory

May the best woman, win. The words pierce through me, and a sense of pride runs down every single vein in my body. My spine shivers and I want to shout. I suddenly realize that this is why it feels so good to be queer.

See, Pride was never my strong-suited favorite subject in my life. Actually, until recently, I have despised every single moment of being part of this community. Not for all of its flaws with inclusiveness, or its unintentional segregation issues, or even the fact that transgender men and women are often blurred out of the whole scene. No, my lack of commitment to the community drove further than that. It was simple for me, I was homophobic.

Real talk, a queer individual absolutely hated gays. I envied all of the stereotypical happiness that came along with the label. All of the happiness I was never seeing. I spent my nights in high school praying to a poster of Lady Gaga, I was the president of my school’s GSA, I was suspended for standing up for gay rights in my school, I held the attention of faculty members, and I pushed for inclusiveness. I preached about how great the community was, all while loathing the fact that I was in it.

I hated it so much because the minute I walked out of that school, and I was in the walls of my parent’s house, I was the target. I could never talk about queer activism, and I surely could never begin to imagine what it was like to have supportive parents. My parents showed their support by forcing me to go to a church who ended up kicking me out because I was too vocal about who I was as a person. I was too gay for god to handle, I guess. I proudly wore my bright pink nail polish and had my gender questioned, even though I didn't know the answers yet.

Let me tell you, trying to figure out your identity, while being silenced, while at the same time having to look up at this beautiful massive queer community. It was horrible for me. Instead of it being something I was proud of, I had all this anger inside me because I was miserable trying to figure it all out, and I had to look at all these amazing examples of people who overcame and pushed through, and got to see the happiness

Now, I get to say I am so proud. I understand now, and I hope that every little queer kid who feels the same way I did, gets to experience this amazing accomplishment. The rainbow truly does show even after the worse storms, remember that.

[theawakeness-blog]

Gay to Guy

So, in our Pride theme for the month of LGBTQ+ Pride, I thought I would talk about my own personal experience. My family is from the south, and a lot of the time they are incredibly--well, I don't want to say insensitive, but it's true. Laced together with completely uneducated, in addition to not wanting to be educated. They have kinda been raised to live in traditions of southern hospitality. That being said, I don't think that all together they are bad people. I just think they don't understand and don't want to open their mind to any lifestyle that doesn't fit into theirs. Which sucked when I was 15 and scared to death when I kissed my best friend at a halloween party, and ended up falling in love with her and rescuing her from a toxic, abusive relationship. When we started dating, I did sit down with my mother and my brother, and I explained to them that I liked girls. I didn't define myself or label myself at this point, I just knew for sure I did have feelings for a girl. And I was attracted to girls. My brother mostly just shrugged it off, invalidating my own feelings and confessions by questioning if this maybe came from my appearance; as being a bigger female in society, many boys had bullied me in my past for my weight. Could they have been responsible? Was this a last resort? My mother deemed it a phase. My family's views and feelings towards the LGBTQ+ community actually lead me to throw how I felt aside, how she felt aside, and I broke her heart because I was scared of loving who I loved. Fortunately, we remained friends through the heartbreak, and for the most part she understood regardless of the hurt. I was also incredibly lucky to have had many friends who identified themselves as living in the LGBTQ+ family, and I confidently came out of the closet as a lesbian my sophomore year of high school. Though at this point, I didn't realize it at the time but I was still discovering myself and my sexuality. I'm sure those of you who were 15 or 16 at one point in your life remember the desperate measures we all took to be labeled as literally anything; preppy, goth, scene, a jock. We literally wore it on our sleeves. And in constructing my own identity, my sexuality and awareness of how much I LOOOOOOOVE woman was evident. I continued growing and learning and loving. I continued exploring my sexuality. I went through a whole different experience feeling so out of my body and uncomfortable. I became comfortable with the label as a transgender female to male human. Right now I feel comfortable in my skin, with the pronouns of masculine nature. I'm so fortunate and lucky that when I did come out of the closet, all the time, I had a supportive group of friends who accepted me and loved me and showed me that i have a lot to offer to this world. That i'm not drastically strange or odd or weird for my identity. They have all helped to water me and continue to do so. They all got me through this. I want to remind readers that may still be in the closet, it is okay. You are valid and you are still a member of the LGBTQ+ family. Please don't feel responsible for coming out until you are 100% ready and safe to do so. Also to readers that may still be exploring their identity, even through sexuality, you are valid and loved as well. Things take time. I was confident that I only had sexual attraction and desire to only date a woman when I was 15. I'm almost 21, and I know I love and accept all genders, or lack thereof. I genuinely just fall for who I love. And that's okay to! You don't need to label yourself. Be you. Proudly, shamelessly, and strikingly you. Always, Kody.