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[titularwriter]

colors beating

lucious lashes beat, closing and revealing the beauty under them bursting colors beneath the lid, pumping, moving to their beat windows to the soul, with hidden emotions underneath the colors love and passion, firey anger, and cool, calm, hidden peace burst of baby blues, and earthy greens, warm chocolate browns

[titularwriter]

Zehra Naqvi, from The Knot of My Tongue: Poems and Prose; “Dear Baba”

[titularwriter]

one sided (why won't you care?)

i read a quote that said that sometimes we expect more from others because we would do more for them than they would do for us and i was forced to reflect on past relationships where i put in all the effort how it felt to hold up the sinking ship that grew heavier and heavier water of unease and distance seeping in why was i feeling like i was the only one giving time and care into our lives together do i not understand friendships and relationships well? it's frustrating to realize the ones who you thought would have your back forever and always simply had you as a passing thought maybe i need to step back and keep to myself until i meet someone who wants to put as much energy in me as i in them

[titularwriter]

wishing (a desire for things i can never have)

i think i may be a man for i wish for things i do not have stubble to scratch at broad shoulders and a strong back to admire an invisible waist and a flat chest things that genetically aren't and will never be mine

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crossed wires

i wish i could put into words the way that i feel but it's like a jumble of cords all knotted and interwoven not connected to the right ports so all the data sits heavy in my chest forever uninterpreted

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stalling (you can't keep running)

it's a cycle to be honest i'll think of it, ponder it, push it down until it disappears, and hopes it goes away but it never does i can feel it in my chest next to my heart the knowledge that this isn't me i claw at my chest as if that'd make it flat but it won't. it never does. yet i try to ignore it, again and again. tell myself it'll just cause problems who cares if it might make me happy settled in my body and my brain in a way i've never felt before or will it just make me stand out will it make this feeling worse

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[titularwriter]

paper thoughts (hidden among my cells)

i take my secrets and my hopes and fears and fold them up making them really small then tuck them up under my rib cage between my shoulder blades in the crevice between my hip and femur i fill the empty gaps in my body constantly taking my thoughts and interweaving them with my soul to the point where they can never be taken only given

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dissolve (let me feel you tremble)

lay your body beneath me

whispers fall from your mouth

bear your soul to mine

let this moment freeze time

and come apart for me

[titularwriter]

television screen (i know what it means)

i've seen the tv glow for quite a while now. it's taken some time to decipher what it really means, but now i am afraid i will have to turn the tv off very soon so i can blend in and stay alive without fear. though i know not everyone can turn their tv off or blend into the crowd, so i don't want to shut off my shining screen. and then i can stand with my oh so beautiful, my queer and trans community in defiance of this hate. but i fear i lack a lion's large, brave heart, that i am not brave enough to be true to who i am and are to be in this life. if i can survive to see the next sunrise or sunset, that will be enough it will have to be. i can't accept anything worse. even if the tv goes dark with lack of power when everyone else is looking, i know in the back of my mind, it's glowing. the tv will stay on. i see the tv glow. i know what i means.

[titularwriter]

icarus reincarnated

it's 2am and the sky is quiet i think of what ifs and dreams of ambitions that feel hopeless things i'm not brave enough to think in the sun for i fear my back would burn from melted wax and i'd fall into the darkness of a pit i can't escape full of tauntings and reminders that i was no better than daedalus's son

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anxiety

i hold it in my hands next to my heart at the base of my neck and across my shoulders though times it’s less me holding and it gripping on for dear life as if it’s afraid of me letting go i think for as long as i live it will be right there with me

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To be seen is not to be loved. But to be loved is to be seen and understood completely.

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The smell of bay leaves engulf my home as a blanket of darkness wraps my town. I listen to the nights serenade. Children’s laughter as they run through the streets. My black cat’s yellow eyes stare into my soul. The witching hour is well on its way. I take a moment to release. I remember my loved ones that have passed. I think of all that this year has blessed me with. The night wades and fades, silence encompasses the air.

xo.j

[titularwriter]

with(out)

i don't mind being alone in a library, sitting at home with a good book, or on the beach watching the sunrise and taking long walks on empty roads but when i see friends with friends a mother with her son a father with his daughter a couple i realize, even though i don't mind being alone i wish i wasn't

[titularwriter]

unsettled

sometimes i wonder why god put me in this body that never feels like mine or is it because i'm in his image and he never feels truly settled in a constant form too