you-exist-in-words - Tumblr blog

[you-exist-in-words]

I wish I could tell my

twenty-two year old self

we're getting married this year

you were right not to settle

for the heart breaking love

you thought you deserved

even though you were drowning

every choice you made

everything you endured

the times you told yourself you had learned by now

got us here

and we have learned

and we are l i v i n g

*and we saw Taylor Swift

[you-exist-in-words]

I thought I was catching other people

in between my vowels and consonants

but looking back I realize

it was always me on the page

and even though she's gone

I see her here

I love her still

[you-exist-in-words]

she sheds the apathy

encasing my skin

she pulls me out of doors 

and into myself

-sunshine

[you-exist-in-words]

regret

when I see the horizon

and you are not there

lost in translation, mixed signals, confused

it was a small mistake though

I am weary

I wish I could have simply gotten it right

[you-exist-in-words]

I feel small

when there are corners of the earth

I cannot fathom

the ever reaching depths of space

the death of stars from so many years ago

it’s unimaginable

still I try everyday

to make my small feel big

to the cat that purrs at my feet

the man for whom I held the door

the plant I watered on the windowsill

the bird I saved from the attic

the hands that hold mine, even briefly

for that time I am mighty

[you-exist-in-words]

always something

like pages of a never ending book

the worry piles up

the list of reasons

grows long

it wraps around bones, brain

being

until the worry is

one mind

together you solve

always fixing

and then the next

anxious planning never fails

but the win is never quite as quick

the next problem flies down

the winged masochism

whisks away

only when shot from the sky

saw I the problem

the worry

-separating from myself

[you-exist-in-words]

it smashes you to pieces like twigs on a train track

your world before splintering into the after

before was 7 years old, spoons under pillows and fresh fallen snow

after is drowning in invisible tides

after is understanding there was before

but

the after creeps into the now

slowly

like falling asleep

like falling in love with someone you met once

on the school bus

like learning to live in the after as if it’s before

and realizing you are here

we are all still here

-getting better

[you-exist-in-words]

the man gives love to the wildflower field

does he appreciate the dusty road that lead him there

a brittle hut of twigs and leaves, the home he left

fate written in the sky

an invisible essay of loss

[you-exist-in-words]

sunny couch is warm

white noise softens the bright room

contentement whispers

[you-exist-in-words]

I posted a sign in your honour.

lost:

my broken heart

~ if found, do not return

[you-exist-in-words]

the crooked staircase

sways carelessly in

the bitter wind of your

own self-doubt

could I climb all the way

to your heart and mend it

I would

[you-exist-in-words]

I think our souls have met before

I can feel the string

wound tight around my heart

it’s how I know I’ll never lose you

[you-exist-in-words]

joy

everyday

in your eyes

in your reflection

in me

[you-exist-in-words]

for making me whole, thank you

needing to be a person you could love

turned out to be the missing piece

[you-exist-in-words]

breathe deep into the lungs

the chill in the tips of my fingers doesn’t reach the heart

today

I seem to be smiling

[you-exist-in-words]

haven’t had much to write about

I am happy

is it because I don’t know how to celebrate joy,

only document pain?

I will try to do better

[you-exist-in-words]

as the sticky summer air

faded into a cool autumn

my heart did soften suddenly

and in your eyes I could find the whole meaning of life

when smile lines crease your cheeks

I am shattered and pulled back together

in a single breath

every star in the universe is tethered to you

I can but observe the ships that sail

in the tidal waves crashing through your ocean eyes

there is a glimmer that leaves me breathless

like late afternoon sun bursting from the clouds and dancing across the horizon, my heart in tow

roam your fingers down my spine

I am a book full of sunshine

resting in the palm of your hand

with pages laid bare, open and unafraid

you are the water, you are the lifeboat

because I love you

you are everything