a-pheonyx-manifesting

[a-pheonyx-manifesting]

~ The Yellow 💛~

Have you watched Tuca & Bertie? In the show, there's mention of "the yellow", a tender glow of warmth & care that comes from a houses' window in the cold/dark. This picture started there. I don't know what my future holds but, I know I want to be surrounded by "The Yellow".💛

Even in full rooms I often feel lonely, this isn't that. This is me, depressed- surrounded by people who love me anyway. They may be imaginary (rn) but, they showed up- they know I can't leave my bed so, they make a nest out of my room & we play games- maybe watch movies. They laugh, they joke, they're not mad/awkward when I can't. They don't give me pity wins and they're not upset if in the morning, I don't feel better.

Maybe they got me to eat, water my plants, or some other small win. Maybe, they're happy simply knowing I wasn't alone while lost in the depths of my brain, or my body. They're there for me, and I return the favour as I can. Fights are over silly, forgivable things & we know how to mend our collective. We have similar morals/core values though, we may differ in beliefs or tastes. At our heart, we believe in lib*ration, equality, & equity. Maybe it's just a fantasy but, one can walk towards a destination with hope it looks similar to the imagination & also understand we can't begin to know it that way.

I finally decided to share how I ended up colouring it. I don't know how long it's been. Side note: I also made the background come to life- I'm currently trying to use left over wall paint (and spray paint) to paint my desk to be "space themed" because, I randomly doodled it like this and fell in love with it. 🌌

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Good morning! 🌞 Hope you're having a good day, or if it can't be a good one it's at least a day with substance. (Not substances but, like maybe it was a bad day and ultimately, you learned something important idk.)

This is another one of my 'quote' pieces where I take messages/affirmations saved on my phone and then use them to inspire art. (This started cause I was running out of space on my phone before it bricked.) It's an older piece, most of my work usually is. It sometimes takes weeks-months to get over the anxiety of sharing my work.

I did open Snapchat (Same name + photo- I don't add you unless I know you but, you can follow the public account if you want.) with the hopes that sharing my art in the stages I'm creating it will help me get over this anxiety. (It's easy to start there since all pictures last 24 hours.) I'm also on Tik Tok now, too- same name though, I haven't posted.

P.s- I discovered I really enjoy drawing/painting cartoon gu!ll0t!n3s. (I must sculpt one for the future 'I spy' dollhouse.)

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Sometimes I like to draw creatures. Is she wax? Is she static? Is she glass? Is she teeth? Yes. She's a nightmare, and she's very loud. Her staff steals your memories. She might be the personification of 'overstimulation' but, I honestly haven't really sorted out her place in my world. The note I have written so far is: "Steals memories, makes your thoughts unbearably loud within a 100ft radius, walks through nightmares." So, she's more to look at than anything else atm.

Anyway, this is my check in that I'm alive. ✌️✨ I do want to post more art but, I don't have the space to work on my stuff and my mental & physical health ain't doing so hot. So, I wouldn't expect consistency from me. I'm trying to get my sh*t together, I'm just not exactly sure where or how to start with the cards that have been dealt to me (And also some cards I drew poorly). I'm trying to figure out what is in my control, what I can do, first steps. Thanks for looking at my art, hope it made you feel... something. 🤷

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A Snapchat Poem. 🤷

(Referencing Helluva Boss, Super Smash Bros, and Grey's Anatomy)

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"Busy Bus Stop" 🐝🐞🚏🌷🌹

Today I accomplished putting watermarks on some images that I had to retake (cause I lost a bunch when my phone bricked). I don't know why I have a love for bugs and bus stops but, I do. 🤷❤️ To celebrate all I've done today, I'm posting a piece I haven't shared yet. 😁✨ This piece is kinda based off a painting that I gave to some people I don't talk to anymore but, I did love it. (It was a bee reading a book at a rainy bus stop, at the base of a thick tree.)

It's currently my "Friendy Beats" playlist cover. Which is basically just a "Friend Group Fantasy"- a mix that brings the vibe when just sitting out and hanging with friends. I have few friends and none of them know each other so, it's still just a fantasy but, it's nice to dream about something I could look forward to. ☺️💭

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WOWZA! I'm sorry I disappeared I was drowning in my brain juices. So, I had this poll open on FB and Instagram as well and while it was neck and neck our winner was EMRYS!!! 🏆✨ (Though, I might use Everett as his secondary or middle name.)

For the purposes of Idk & I need opinions, (for novel writing reasons):

Note: If you didn't know, I've been in the process of writing an adult fantasy-adventure novel for a very long time but, I get stuck in my head and frequently restart. I'm trying to break the cycle- one day at a time but, right now- I need opinions.

[a-pheonyx-manifesting]

For the purposes of Idk & I need opinions, (for novel writing reasons):

Note: If you didn't know, I've been in the process of writing an adult fantasy-adventure novel for a very long time but, I get stuck in my head and frequently restart. I'm trying to break the cycle- one day at a time but, right now- I need opinions.

[a-pheonyx-manifesting]

Happy James Cook got 🔪❤️ Day.✨

I know that this is *look at calender* three days late, shhhhhh. I tried to get it finished on time but, I just finished this (and a few others) last night. I'm really happy with the way their outfits came out. ☺️ It's been a while since I made something where I thought about turning a drawing into a painting but, last night I had a little surge and this is one I'm thinking over. 🤔

Not usually a celebrater but this year, my girlfriend and I went to see the movie "Heart Eyes".😍 It was a lot of fun! Very much romantic comedy meets B-movie so, right up my alley. I had to contain my excitement so as not to disturb others in the theatre. Other than that we played a little at an arcade before coming home and relaxing. We didn't put too much into doing something special since we kinda celebrated a few weeks ago. She took me to Build-a-Bear because I'd never been before and she felt it was something I was missing out on. She got me a star ⭐ bear, he came with a star to name. I call him "Orionne" and I got a little lavender 🪻 scent packet stuffed in his head to help with my anxiety attacks.

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"No one said this was going to be easy. Don't you dare give up just because things are hard. This will pass. You will be better for it, keep going." - 🤷 Some Internet Stranger.

I definitely need to work on my group shots. This is part of my self-motivation and phone clearing project. I have a bunch of affirmations/quotes saved in my phone and I never look at them. So, to make them more memorable I'm writing them in my sketchbook (to draw an image with it) or in a collage in my journal.

Whenever I look at this drawing I hear "The story of Tonight" from the Hamilton Soundtrack. I don't have a title for it but, here's the process. Maybe one day it'll inspire a short story from me or something. 🤷

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👽 "Lost in Space" 🩰

In my head, the dancer is practicing for a performance but, dance has become second nature, leaving her mind to wander as one's might during driving hypnosis. Either that, or perhaps she's nervous to perform in front of her long-distance girlfriend, who she's meeting for the first time. Or maybe- she's de-centering her ex-girlfriend who she used to treat as the center of the universe, grounding herself in reality with dance. Really, I have no idea- I just draw things, sometimes. Does give me a little bit of 'the writers twitch' though.

Edit: I think I might end up putting those lost writing pieces I recently found as captions for pictures, I otherwise don't know how to caption.

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I just had a "wtf?" moment, i don't really know what to make of it, tbh...I say this thing: "Practice makes progress, progress is a process, and perfection is a lie." Sometimes I leave it comment sections.

What is the point of replying: "Practice makes improvement." Like, okay? Yeah- that's what I said.... But with the reminder that that progress takes time and not to get caught up in a concept that's unachievable. Like, what? Why wouldn't you leave your own comment for that? Why bother replying to tag me???

For more context: in this comment section was under one of those "Leave some good advice for someone to find" pictures/posts.

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So, I changed my profile picture to match across my social medias (which likely will change cause I'm inconsistent). My profile pic used to have my old watermark, in-case someone missed my old page and wanted to find me but, I don't think I had/have a big enough following for anyone to notice/care about the change, since it happened months ago and nobody's said anything. I'll still be using the "formerly known as" tag (on Tumblr) when I post images that still have the "Crafty_Pheonyx" watermark.

Why would an image have a watermark I don't use anymore? Asked nobody. But, I have two main reasons: 1) I started a piece while still using the name "Crafty Pheonyx" and didn't finish the piece until after my change. 2) I started a project while using the name and I haven't revealed it yet. The entire thing might have my old watermark, or the beginning images will have it and the finished images will have my new one.

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"23 Years of Dysphoria"

TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNING CHECK TAGS

Why does my body feel like this? Skin too tight, nothing's right- What's this feeling to me? The mirror's disorienting.

This isn't my body, this isn't my face. Just anxious disgrace. "I wish I were a boy...today" "It's p*nis envy, you just weren't born that way."

Something's missing, I just don't know. We all hope it's something I'll outgrow. Boobs come in, too small, too big. Favourite sweaters hide that nothing fits.

Conventions are my pride parade. A fun excuse to bind, all day. Wear it for school, "practicing for Cosplay". My folks say: "Just a costume phase."

Raised in hiding, L-G-B-T-Q-I-A2's exciting. My world unfurls, there's more than boys or girls. I still don't know- "How can you be both?" "You take issue with pride?"

I just want to know answers to what I hold inside.

Losing weight, looking hollow but, "lucky". Doesn't change that my body's disgusting. Sometimes how it looks, mostly how it feels. Completely incomplete, the un-recognition's real.

Femininity, Masculinity? What does it even mean to me? Engaged to h*mophobic rage, once I say: "Sometimes, I feel like a man-maybe a them." "No. Media's filling you with gay shams."

Body's in shambles, mind scrambled. His only witness, distressed in my britches. He always assures: "S*x will fix this." "No"'s dismissed- "S*x is an insecurity fix."

Thunderstorms, Riots, & Wildfires- the world is sick and we're all dire. Everything's so loud and thick, I almost forget: my body is desperate, my body is sick.

Family and Love. At last, the past is in the past. My sweater still holds me together, tape and glue. I take a breath, learn something new. I'm gendefluid- that's all there is to it.

One, the other, sometimes both, sometimes neither. Dead name's burried beneath her. My body and mind aren't always aligned. At least I know they're finally mine.

🧡A. Pheonyx Manifesting (2022)🧡

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These pieces are from my self-motivation project- I'm trying to clear quotes from my phone and make them more memorable. Sometimes they get drawn sometimes they get written down in a collage in my journal. Either way, it helps me clear space and it gives me a little creativity promt. Not all of them are self-portraits but, these two are and I think they came out pretty okay. 🤷✨

"May your choices reflect your hopes not your fears." -Nelson Mandela

Did you know orange 🧡 symbolizes hope? (Unrelated- it's also my favourite colour.) In this one I tried to play with the "reflection" on my glasses. In it, I'm taking care of my 'mental garden' and it is blooming miraculously, the skies are full of love, and I have healthy boundaries rather than walls. The hope is a work in progress but, it's possible that the goal is a 'forever process'.

Sunrise Moments 🌅✨

"The ocean does not apologize for it's depth and the mountains do not seek forgiveness for the space they take and neither shall I." -Becca Lee

The fantasy here is to travel with loved ones who if they can't understand me, hold space for me. They understand I need to savour good moments, they know my extremes, how my body has different capabilities and we're all happy these are who we chose to share this beautiful adventure with. 🧡

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I just realized that I'll be nicotine free for a whole year in a few days... Should celebrate? I didn't really celebrate quitting in the first place, and I felt the milestone went unnoticed to my loved ones. It feels like it's silly to do something special but, I feel like it isn't unearned. I have fought so many cravings and haven't given in, even when I found my back up stick, while under immense pressure.

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✨💙🌊 Escapism + The Process 💭💙✨

I'm honestly not fully sure what this drawing is. Maybe it's someone who's in love with their roleplay character (I know I'd love my players to be fantasizing about playing), maybe they're in love with a creature from another plane of existence, or a novel they can't put down. I really don't know. 🤷

I also think it doesn't matter. They're walking outside, having a smoke, and day-dreaming about a woman made entirely of water. The story behind the image has endless possibilities, which is bound to happen when I'm turning random doodles into full images. 💙

My random doodles kinda kept me doing something other than drowning in my brain this last year so, I don't fully question the motive/theme behind every image. I like that they may inspire me to write a short story, or poem later, or maybe, they may simply exist. I love how queer and strange they get. I love how now when I flip in my sketchbook, I'm not caught up in perfectionism. It finally feels like it's mine, like it's starting to reflect me. My mind is an interesting & twisted place, the more I learn about it. Sometimes, it's not so bad. Sometimes, it's simply nonsense. I'm thankful I can turn parts of my inner world into art. ✨

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Another lil' look at my colouring books. 🖍️✨

Goblin Gal- The Process ✨

High Class Orc Lass- The Process ✨

I want to print some little themed colouring books, starting with 'TTRPG'. (All ages, so I make sure the pages are colour-able with crayon.) Ultimately, I hope to reconnect my business relationship with a local dice shop. (I've not been the best communicator so the relationship definitely needs repair but, they used to hold my candles and they make a point to support artists. So, 🤞.) My dad helped me edit the marker stains out but, I think I've figured out a way to stop them so there's less editing to be done. Though I'm sure the pages would still need whitening.