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me: why am i so anxious tonight

the nefarious wizard who cast a spell that made me forget to take my antidepressants this morning: heehee it is a mystery i supposee <):3

me: hey man why'd you giggle when you said that

the nefarious wizard who cast a spell that made me forget to take my antidepressants this morninv: hoohoo nervous habit <):3 you will die in your sleep tonight

me: what

the nefarious wizard who cast a spell that made me forget to take my antidepressants this morning: hoho time to remember in visceral detail when you made a social faux pas with your friends two years ago <):3

[tired of their games, i leap up and manage to catch the nefarious wizard by the point of their hat. after a brief struggle from which i emerge the victor, i open the nearest window and drop them into the garden bed below. then i return to my snuggly bed, put on an audiobook, and drift off into spitefully peaceful sleep.]

[EXTERIOR: GARDEN, NIGHT. the nefarious wizard does battle with a feral possum. it ends in a stalemate.]

MORAL OF THE STORY: everything is going to be ok, breathe deep and distract your mind and go to sleep. the nefarious wizard is now asleep beneath a pumpkin leaf and will gently dissipate over the next four hours. come morning it will be gone

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WANTED: apprentice to ME, grand wizard smeeplebarb the girthy.

in addition to all standard apprentice duties, must be willing to:

live in a little box in my pocket (free of charge)

do all of my dishes and laundry

take my familiar for his walkies (rabies shot required)

polish my orb nightly in preparation for my pondering

compensation includes:

this dope wizard hat i made out of a curtain

bragging rights about being THE grand wizard smeeplebarb the girthy's apprentice

free accommodation (little box in my pocket)

education in the arcane arts and crafts (except for macramé)

those who are NOT willing to eventually betray me need not apply.

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grand wizard smeeplebarb the girthy has lost another apprentice, putting him in second place on the wizard union's apprentice turnover rate scoreboard. this year WILL be the year that he beats lord high wizard huchenlim and finally win the 'most irresponsible wizard mentor' hatpin . trust and believe

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grand wizard smeeplebarb the girthy would like to apologise for his month long absence when he promised to deliver more inspirational messages a week hence from his first. this week's inspirational message is: always remember that no matter how much you just fucked up that potion, your apprentice will have fucked it up so much worse. that's all!

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yeah yeah yeah yachts and houseboats whatever the fuck blah blah blah . have you considered a houseTRAIN instead ???? it's like a houseboat, except you permanently live on a train as it wends its way through the world, so it's much much much cooler . in my ideal universe there are train tracks all over the place everywhere and soooooooo many little housetrain. can u imagine. it'd be so cool . friendship communal housetrain. family housetrain. okay this post has gotten away from me a bit the point is i REALLY REALLY REALLY want functional global rail systems to the point of overabundance

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lately they been calling me Wet Toes Michael the way i keep accidentally stepping in very large puddles of rainwater

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oh so when gandalf the grey wizard of yore sets off fireworks hes 'a wonderful old fellow' and 'a dedicated protector of the small pockets of joy and love and hope that still yet reside in a crumbling and-maybe-doomed world' but when i, grand wizard smeeplebarb the girthy, do it, im 'committing malfeasance' and 'endangering everyone in this supermarket'--

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first day at the [BLANK] factory sure hope [x] thing doesn't happen to me

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the compression socks stay ON during sex

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me: okay im gonna lock in for real now

the david attenborough impersonator that i hired to narrate my every action: despite saying this, they will not 'lock in'. instead, they will continue scrolling through tumblr for another forty five minutes.

me: can't you say that i'm doing something cool for once

the david attenborough impersonator that i hired to narrate my every action: caught out in their procrastination and left with nowhere else to go, our subject reaches for their last line of defence: doing a bit on the internet.

me: cmon man

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me at the sleepover: ok i'm going to go to sleep now

❗NEW QUEST AVAILABLE: spend another three hours talking to your friends

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grand wizard smeeplebarb the girthy would like to remind you that anything can be a pair of boots if you try hard enough. check back in next week for more inspiring messages like this from grand wizard smeeplebarb the girthy

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what if instead of cornflakes they were called pornflakes and instead of stopping you from masturbating they made you jack off SO HARD

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haters will see you

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why is it always Why are you putting superglue on that open wound of your finger do you have any idea how toxic that stuff is and not Was gluing your finger shut fun Did you have fun

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diversity win! this dumb gay ginger also has an astigmatism

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you ever done a shit so diabolical you have to take off all your clothes and sit there goose-pimpled and naked as the day before you were born as some terrible divinity calls down a righteous fury of fiery rain upon you for all of your mortal sins . that just happened to me